2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 12 - 2 Bears 1 Cave 2 w/ Bert & LeeAnn Kreischer

Episode Date: November 11, 2019

This week on 2 Bears 1 Cave, Tom Segura is still on his Euro-tour and couldn't attend this recording. However, Bert Kreischer brought Mama-Bear LeeAnn. If you thought Bert was safe from being checked for an hour straight just because Tom wasn't there, GUESS AGAIN. We first get into Bert's recent weight loss. He actually legit looks good, but everyone (including himself) knows it won't last too long. We get into the inner working of Bert and LeeAnn's marriage. What would Widow-Bert and Widow-LeeAnn's lives look like? Does Bert have a "condition" he's not telling us about? We then get into what exactly IS and IS NOT cheating on your spouse, we give Tom a call, we get into Louis CK's tour email, and more!

Ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, Let's go. There's a perfect way to start off this show. 12 years in the making. It's gonna be a fucking shit show. I haven't put it in my mind. It's gonna be a hundred percent. Hey guys, welcome to Two Bears One Cave. I'm Skinny Burk Chrysler and I'm here with the blowjob champ. No, no, I think it pushes the blowjob champ. Pushes the blowjob champ. Would you probably tell everyone why we call her push

People always go like why do you know? Yeah, right? Yeah By the way for the record in case you guys want her I got my blowjob, too Oh my god, I heard Tom and Christina was my quarterly to the biggest fight about that what their neighbor Jeffrey called me And he was like, oh, you got it and And he was like, they're yelling in the back. No, that's not true. You don't even know their neighbor. I love that you just let me go. They're neighbor Jeffrey and you're like, and Tommy is in Europe

performing to half sold out shows. And that's not true either. He said, he said, it's very light in Paris. But why would you say that? Oh my god, oh my god, take that out. Take that out. Oh my god, take that out. I'm shut up.

That's just not nice. I'll be in Cincinnati, Fort Wayne, Indiana, Columbus, and Chicago, November 7th through 10th. And we've added two shows onto my Netflix taping in Cleveland, November 24th. I have Sunday, there are two shows for the taping. Let's get into some reads first. Look at how good I look.

Oh boy. Yeah. I gotta be honest with you, I was a little flipped out when I saw that picture. I like we took a bunch of these. By the way, I, no lie, I was gonna Photoshop all of them, but I, but there's,

I have more on my phone I should text you in the dov. The lighting was just so good. The lighting is so good in this and I hadn't eaten in 24 hours and I stretched my body out and I texted it to Rogan. I texted it to Rogan and a second I texted it.

I was like, I literally had like an epiphany of I was like, if he posts it, some people are gonna be like, you're no longer funny. It's the fucking take that picture down. I know, I know some gorgeous. It's like how do you see funny when you see that? You're like, gotta wait. Look at that top ab, can you zoom into the top ab?

Do you see the top ab? I don't think that's an ab. It's a dent. It's a dental. It's a dent. It's a dental. It's a dent. Look at my stomach looks, it looks ripped, does it not? It's excellent lighting. It's a dental. It's a dent. Look at my stomach looks, it looks ripped, does it not?

It's excellent lighting. It's such great lighting. I'm shooting my special there. I didn't even realize I'm shooting my special there. I gotta stop raising my hands when I get excited. But I think you may be lit from the other direction when you shoot this special. I'm lit from both directions.

It's lit from the audience and from the front. So I'm highlighted and it just creates Perfect outlines. It is clear. You're not there's one picture. I'll show you Leanne. I took with Jeff Tomzick It was directing my special and You can see the cheap code in this because I Have my I have my arm down and you can see here take a look No, shut up. Yes here, take a look. No, shut up, that's stupid. Take a look with what I'm standing next to Tom's dick.

You can see, I still have the skininess, but you can see the bump on my side. Yeah, what bump? That's because you're leaning. You're still as good. You're just, you're a joke, can you, yeah. Anyway, I got a bunch of these pictures. I took a hundred of them.

I'm not that skinny, everybody. I'm just to be fair. I'm not gonna make, probably make 205, I doubt it. Rogan text of me and ask me, if I was gonna get the belt. I'm not gonna lie to you, I'm getting a colonic Thursday, I'm doing hot sauna Thursday, I'm going to two spin glasses Thursday, we're gonna see how low we can get, but why is the color of my stomach different? Yeah, let's put it over there.

No, by the way, I wouldn't even, I could Photoshop my dick, but I don't know how to, I wouldn't know how to Photoshop my stuff. No. By the way, I wouldn't even, I could Photoshop my dick, but I don't know how to, I wouldn't know how to Photoshop my stomach like that. Maybe you should have, because you clearly didn't wear any underwear. I did not wear underwear, any underwear. It was pretty obvious there.

Yeah, I don't know. I wouldn't know how to do that Photoshop to be dead honest with you. I do know how to Photoshop, but that I couldn't do. That's out of my spectrum. I look great, man, I look great. By the way, we're ready to gain a pack in three days.

I'm gonna gain it all back in three days. How did you do that? Get ready for my spec, because I make the rules about me. No one tells me what to do about me. Do you know that is like one of my biggest flaws? Is this... No, I had no idea.

Is this like unwillingness to waver about notes? Unwillingness to waver about notes? Unwillingness to waver about notes? Like when someone gives me notes, like you should lose weight. Do you know who's got the same problem? Your mother? I swear to God you took the words out of my mouth. Yeah, it's your mother. Yeah. Wait, break down my mom for me. No, I don't want to do that publicly, but I'll agree with you if you do it. My mom, if you tell my mom she needs to lose weight, she'll gain it. That's right.

She'll gain it like this. Yeah, if you tell my mom she's drinking too much, she drinks more. She pours another glass, baby. Dude, I got that same trigger feeling what that happens to me is like, is like, and then what's crazy is if I get challenged to something, I can't fucking, I'm meltdown.

I'm meltdown and I, I'll tell you the reason I'm not making 205, we're gonna be very honest, is I have, I definitely have OCD, and I cannot wait, lost is one of the things, and it starts tickling a little bit of probably an eating disorder in me. Okay. And my brain's not there. At the middle of this month, I felt it happening, and I was like, I'm gonna get ready for a special. I have no interest in focusing on weight loss. I ate healthy and I didn't drink,

and I worked out a lot. That's where I could put my eggs in a basket. I wasn't gonna get away entirely from bread. I had a few sandwiches. I had a few bread. I had bread the yesterday in the airport. But um... Then why did you chastise me for eating bread?

A and B, I think you have things that I think the things that you think you have. Don't let them be and let's have the 100% honest with our personalities right now. I think the things that you think you have are not as bad as you think they are. Just because they're yours doesn't make them so whatever. Hey guys, you know how like you get flashback scenes and things? I can do flashbacks of Leanne on other podcasts. This is a flashback, a Leanne on a podcast. I don't know if the Fetty liver wasn't due to his drinking.

Bert tells you what he wants you to hear. I was like, what the fuck are you doing? Being honest? Yeah. It's branding, Leanne. Is you doing? Being honest? Yeah. It's branding, Leanne. Is that what that is? Branding. I wonder how my liver is now.

It's probably less fatty. It's probably perfect. I don't know about perfect. I feel great. You do? You look really good. And you forked really hard. And I think so-broctober's very inspiring for a lot of people.

I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. So-broctober, this so, Braktober's been a blast. This one's been a blast. It's one of my favorite ones. Yeah. It's odd. Do we talk about this last time? I liked the lessons allowed me to get out of my comfort zone.

It gave me a right to get out of my comfort zone. If you're watching this and you're thinking, you're thinking, oh, I should have done some lessons. You still can. Taking a lesson in something is so rewarding because you do feel like you're learning something. Yeah. And getting out of your comfort zone

is not something people do regularly. Especially people who work like a nine to five job, they're very routine based people. So it's really challenging to do something that you've never done before. I'm going now, I'm going spear fishing in Bermuda. You're doing Pilates with me tomorrow. I'm doing Pilates with Leant tomorrow.

I'll tell you all my classes. I did CrossFit. I did CrossFit. Wait, when are you going spearfishing in Bermuda? William Stevenson. Steven Williamson. Huh? I don't know.

You hit me up here. Where are you going to Bermuda? Oh, I'm sorry, you haven't been on these emails. No, I think I forwarded the original email to you. So you know what I'm talking about. But I know. Are you doing a character right now? I am so, so yeah.

The character's called your wife. Yeah, he hit me up and he said he's got these two professional spear fishing guys that have titles to come out to Ramuda and I was like, I'd love to. Obviously, I'm gonna, obviously, and by the way, I hope you enjoy this one, I'm gonna shoot it. I'm definitely gonna shoot it. Like, I cover it. You mean the fish? No, the cover, I'm gonna cover it with cameras and I'm gonna film it. It'll be, oh, fuck, I hope you enjoy this one. I'm gonna shoot it. I'm definitely gonna shoot it like I cover it You mean the fish no the cover I'm gonna cover it with cameras animal film it. It'll be oh fuck I'm in to call man's I'm in to call man's

I gotta call man's why he's gonna we've got a The shoot I'm doing Friday. I want man's cover it anyway. Okay. I went spearfishing. I went surfing. I did crossfit I did hot spin. I did shape house That's five different ones. What else oh tactical gun training. Yeah You're fishing, I went surfing, I did CrossFit, I did HotSpin, I did ShapeHouse, that's five different ones. What else, oh, Tactical Gun Training. Yeah. What else did I do?

I think this is it. Plaudis? You're about to take a baton class. And a baton class. Those are all my classes for the month. That's pretty good. I can't wait to see how you twirl a baton. I can't wait, I want to learn how to, I always want to learn how to twirl a baton.

Have you? Yeah, because I think I'm, that is wanna learn how to twirl a baton. Have you? Yeah, because I think I, that is my personality is. That you'd be really good at it. No, that is that, hey, I don't wanna learn an instrument, but I wanna be a part of the show. Can I just, ta-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- Like I'm fucking so excited. Yeah, you are definitely a drum major. I'm a razzle dazzle kind of guy I should have called my next my next tour razzle dazzle Yeah, you should have razzle dazzle with birdcrack the razzle dazzle this barco motion We're announcing tour

Well, I guess I shouldn't say that Seagrard time, Seagrard time and the tour is coming getting right in as a tour anyway anyway Yeah, so Brock tober's great this. Anyway, anyway, yeah, so Brocktober's great. This one's been great because I've always, always wanted to take surfing lessons. I surfed a little bit growing up as a kid, but I never was good. I was never good and I only stood up a few times.

And there were like big walls that I couldn't get past surfing. And a lot of it was, a lot of it was knowing when to catch the wave, knowing when to stand up, like getting that comfortability and I think most people would learn that naturally, but I surfed, I just was young and I was stupid and I could never get up, I could get up a couple times. And then we took surfing lessons on bigger boards, which I would have never used when I was young, because it was ego involved, I wanted to be in the cool small boards, everyone else was surfing on.

I used bigger boards and I had a fucking blast. I had a legit bass. Spear fishing, something I've always wanted to do my entire adult life. I can't believe you spear fished a barracuda. I know. That was really kind of impressive. I can't wait, and by the way,

I've been working on holding my breath. I can hold my breath for a minute, 30 now. That's great. So we're gonna go spear fishing in Bermuda, Terran Tactical, we did Terran Tactical, one of the best experiences of my adult life. No joke, only because I have a gun, I talk about this in my special a little bit

with the one I'm shooting in November where we've had it show and Cleveland on the 24th, two shows. But I gotta be honest with you, if you have a gun and you haven't taken tactical training Do it honestly do it Tom and I would both say without a doubt. I came home that night Liam was there I took my I first of all I found My clip I lost my clip for a very long time. I found my by the way

I'm spoiling part of my special now. I found my clip. I loaded my gun. I put one in the chamber. I put it my safe. I closed my safe. I go, we are locked and loaded. And that confidence was so fucking next level. What benefit do you think you've had during sober October that maybe you could share with Pushka?

I know you guys did so over October. We did so over October. We've talked about that on so over October also, but you know, sober October, I think I just think it's such a cool thing that you do for people you don't even know. You inspire so many people to be sober. And sober doesn't really have to just be booze or drugs or whatever. It could be anything. It could be anything that you, it's not healthy, I think. And I know we ran into a lot of people

when I went on the first week of your tour that were like, can't wait for Sobro October. It's a cool thing. That's really cool. It's a really cool thing. And you know, I got to give a shout out to Joe in this because, you know, he is the impetus we started this. Obviously, we talked about it last week.

Sobro October is what we initially had called it between ourselves. And then I had posted it with the Sobra Ktobert birds are available on omnis.com, but because it was a soft pitch intervention. Obviously, I have no plans on quitting drinking anytime soon. No, it's not going to happen. Not permanently. Not permanently. I'm always going to want to drink. I'm telling you right now, I'm always gonna wanna eat marijuana, I wanna smoke marijuana, I'm gonna want cigars, and I'm gonna want booze. That's just me. I'm also gonna want pizza, chicken wings, pussy,

and if you try to kick me out of San Antonio, you know what I'm gonna say? I'm gonna kick your ass till my shoes are covered and shit. No. We've been listening to Delamite tonight. I'm gonna say I'm gonna kick your ass till my shoes are covered and shit. No We've been listening to Dolomite tonight. I said no, you can suck my mother fucking dick to the bone You ain't never kick a me out of San Anton Dolomite I still might on the plane, but Joe's the one that made sure we did it year after year and and implemented the challenges Emmental implemented the hot yoga and that created a bonding with all of us.

And if you guys have a friend, I will always say this. If you have a friend who drinks too much and you wanna just reset their levels, like bring them down to level of like, reminding them what it's like to go to sleep. Sober, reminding them what it's like to not get drunk having dinner with your kids, reminding them what it's like to start up a grill

without thinking I should like to join a cigar and grab a beer. Like just there's certain things, you know, my buddy's quick drink up for three years and he's going to a cognitive behavioral therapist. Yeah, CBT. Yeah. He's going to a CBT because there's certain triggers and I've had them all month where your brain goes like I get on the plane and they go can you get something to drink? You understand. And you don't say yeah water would be great. I never I've never I've never I've never

I still haven't said that I still haven't said that I go no but maybe you should change change your new power fucking dick to the bone bitch. Do you need to kick your ass till my shoes are covered in shit? Yeah, I even, this is, but I didn't realize this until this moment. For so long, they didn't serve drinks on airlines before you took off on American. I only fly American. When American and US Air partnered, US Air one of their things that they served drinks before takeoff. And American welcomed that into their process.

And I remember that period of time when they switched over and they started serving drinks. Now obviously, as someone who likes to drink all planes and I'm gonna go out and say, you may never see me drink on a plane again. I've flown so much sober this month, I think I've got, I'm getting a hold of it, and I don't wanna lose grip of that hold.

Right. Because I know that that is what will kill me first, more than a plane for crash, that is what will kill me. Yeah. But one of the things I used to make my heart skip a beat, and it's Pavlovian, is them going, can I get you something to drink before takeoff? Why don't you go cream soda?

Why don't you do that? Because I don't have cream sodas on planes. They don't? Or will right? No. I double jack on the rocks. Double jack on the rocks, lots of rocks. Double jack on the rocks, lots of rocks.

That's what I said it every time. I'm so used to saying it so quick. It's like a joke. Sometimes with jokes, you're pacing, you get so quick, it'll just flow out of your mouth. Yeah. And so it's hard for me, because I hear, can I get you something to drink?

And my heart skips a beat, and then I have to go, diet, serum, mist. That sounds very refreshing, though. Actually, I really enjoy serum. Yeah, it's very refreshing. I really enjoy serum, serum, mist. If you want to do a partnership with Uncrustables, by the way, everyone's bringing

an Uncrustable to the show. And don't do that, because I fucking can't say no to an Uncrustable. I cannot say no to Uncrustable. It only looks like 300 calories to me. I just go, it's worth it. It's worth it. Peanut butter on the roof, your mouth.

How funny would it be if people came peanut butter? What? Might be a little cloggy. Might be a little fun. Yeah, but do your impression of some guy, some guy of me coming in your mouth. I'm still intermittent fasting. Oh, these are frozen to dov.

Yeah, it's good. It's 320 calories. How accurate is this skinny guy who's been logging his calories? You've been logging your calories? Yeah, on my noom. Oh, got it. Yeah, and it's about I've interviewed him. I'm also using an intermittent fasting app. Um, these are frozen, so I'm not going to chip a tooth on an unquestable. But um, how great would it be? By the way, no one, everyone skipped over my bit I did of, of, okay, I'll do and seen. If come had the texture of peanut butter and-

What? Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know who got my mouth. I think it'd be more like this, like this. By the way, I can hear your mouth making noise and it's creeping me out Didn't creep you out earlier We had sex this morning Two two minutes it was two it was two minutes. I thought you were telling the twice I was like don't lie. It's not twice. It's not when we started. I don't know if anybody needs to know that particularly.

But that's not super flattering for you. Just say. You're just fully loaded babe. So what love looks like, right? I wanted to see if we could call my bestie. Who's your bestie? Come on. Who do you think my bestie is? Tom?

But he's in Europe. I was gonna see if we could get him on the phone. Let's see if he's on a plane. But what time is it there? Shh, shh, shh, shh. It's a European ring. Ladies and gentlemen, via satellite. Do you remember when they say via satellite? Yeah. You're like, whoa, where is he? Right. Now they're like, just on the internet. He must be eating.

Hey, this is Tom. I am out of the country for the next 12 days. I will return on November 6th. Oh, yeah. Thank you, message. And I'll probably not year for a while. At the tone, please record your message. When you have finished recording, you may hang up or press one for more options. Hey Tom is Bart, your best friend. Hey give me a call. We're recording two bears one cave. We're recording it is one bear one bunny one cave. And I just wanted to see how the European Torias touch up with you and see if you

have any questions. I know that you texted me. Andrew, let me end it. Oh no. Hey, I'm doing a podcast. I'm doing a podcast. Let me call you back. Okay, bye. Okay.

Listen, if I know that a lot of you out there are like trying to get in touch with Tom. If you want to get in touch with Tom, let me give you a phone number. If you want to get in touch with Tom, let me give you his phone number Tom's phone number is 818 275 5526 my phone number is 3 2 3 208 08 4 4 I'm loving this fucking community app that we got involved with yeah, Thomas sent out one mass text And it was very clear. It was a mass text. Hey you guys, I'm like, immediately I've already fine-tuned the app. I'm like, you don't use you guys, you talk directly to them.

Thanks Molly. And he was like, and then the community people texted both of us. Hey Tom, for the record, you're the first one to use the app and call it, and thank everyone for letting them kiss your peepee. What? I don't know. What does that mean? So Tom and some text both of us, we are using the app,

we're getting a lot of texts. So I apologize if we can't, for both of us, if we can't get to all of them, but I know Tom's replying to some, I'm replying to a lot. I usually spend like an hour in the morning, replying to texts. I'll send you out a happy birthday.

Look, with this app, I'm just telling you, if you text that number, that really comes to our phone number. Here are the texts, they legit come to us. We can legit see them, we can legit reply to them. But as you'll notice on mine, I have like 25,000 texts. Tip from Dino Holmes, from Josh Hall, from Adam Earhart, from Caleb Cantrell, from Hunter Ayers.

I tried to reply to them, but if you text us, here's the deal. You're gonna get an honor reply, then you're gonna get four texts about the ear from us. Tom and I will text you when our tours go on sale. So you will get the first tickets when our tour goes on sale before it's out to the general population. Before even pre-sale goes, you'll get that text. When are specials? I'm filming mine November 23rd and 24th. Tom is filming his the week before. When are specials air on Netflix? We'll send you a text.

I have a TV, I shouldn't say this, but if I have a TV show that's filming in January on Netflix and it comes out, say right around the same time as my special, I'll text you when that comes out and we'll text you. If, if, if, if, if I'm, if, when that happens. If. I'll text you that and then I'll text you

also on your birthday, say happy birthday, especially if your birthday's on my birthday, which is? Um, November 3rd. So if I were to die. Yeah. What kind of man would you see yourself with after me? I think I'm pretty burned. I think I'd be single. I think I'd take your money and run. I think I'd go, I'm good.

Okay, let's walk you through. I would like to hear the average day of Wittolian. Of Wittolian? Wittolian. And then I'll give you the average day of Wittolian Bert. Okay. Well, wait, who would you marry if I left? First of all, marry?

Why the fuck am I married? I'm just slaying pussy. So you've now gotten over your OCD about sexually transmitted diseases? Oh, I'm my dick. I'm hanging my dick up. So you've now gotten over your OCD about sexually transmitted diseases? Is that what you're saying? Oh, I'm, my dick, I'm hanging my dick up. It's getting everything. I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna be like,

I'll go into herpes websites, be like, I got it too, who wants to fuck, not breaking out? Yeah, I would. You have herpes? Do not start. You understand? Oh, honey. You have herpes.

Oh, honey, you have herpes. Tell us, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, that'll take a second. God the way, no, I sound like I have herpes. Ha ha ha ha. You might have herpes. Walk us through. If I have herpes, you have herpes. I definitely don't have herpes. You know, I think you have to be exposed more than 10 minutes before you can. Herpes, you lose that.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Is it hard when your wife is somewhat funny? Listen, don't forget the beginning of this. Don't forget who pays the bills or not. I know who pays the bills. You don't need to know how to log in to pay the bills. No, not who actually pays the bills. No, that would be me.

I pay the bills. You make the money to pay the bills. You know how actually pays the bills. No, that would be me. I pay the bills. Make the money to pay the bills. You can get me to pay the bills. Yeah, right. Do you know where that money is? Oh, I don't think so. Okay, this is the average day of, this is the average day of WidowBurt. What's my fucking face work?

What's my path? I don't know how to get into our bank account. Hey, Herpe Girl. Give me my bank account. Does that what it would be like? It's a great nickname for your website forherpeasgirl.com. Hey, herpie girl, give me my bank account. Is that what it would be like? Hey. That's a great nickname for your website forherpiesgirl.com.

So wait, just tell them the Herpie stories. Because I think that- Okay, so Bert had a dry patch under his beard and he didn't know what it was. I probably have one right now. And he asked his mom to look at it and his mom looked at it and went, oh honey, you have herpes.

And of course, Bert was like, I have herpes? I have herpes. I rolled out of control. And completely lost his mind. So it's become a running joke in our family. Any of them, he has anything wrong with them. We go, oh honey, you have herpes. Yeah.

And my mom didn't realize what it was doing to me. And then my daughters started loving it. Yeah. They were like, oh honey, you have herpes. And I was like, guys, if I have herpes, you have herpes. Like we all have herpes. I don't know, it's not funny.

Don't tell everyone dad has herpes. And so. By the way, it wasn't herpes. It was a yeast infection. I'm not sure I enjoy this podcast. So I swear to God, stop right here. I thought for once I'm gonna be in control of this fucking podcast and it's not gonna be about fucking tearing me down Maybe it's fucking see maybe it's

I don't tear you down the seat is fucking evil and I was presenting facts Yeah, everyone's presenting their own facts except for me. I said my fact, did you or did you not have a yeast infection? I had a yeast infection for your, yes, okay. So yes, but it is kind of funny that both of those are vaginal perhaps yeast infection or a piece. It wasn't from, it's cleared off, okay. You just said earlier that you might have one right now. I think I have one on this side of my face. So it's not clear. I don't know how I think I have won on this side of my face. So it's not clear.

I don't know how I got on the other side of my face. If you want to see that, if you want to, the clearest, whenever, when I shake, when Tom shake my beard on sober, the first time we did the weight loss challenge, you shake my beard, you can see it so clear, it's just like a big red patch. But I'm clean now.

Oh. Oh. Valtrex, I hope you out, didn't it? It wasn't Valtrex, it's a mud I put my chains. I know, it's medicated mud. Yeah, and so yeah, and so wait, go back to, I want to hear, I want to hear Widow Leans average day. Widow Leans average day, okay.

After I did this read. Okay. Hey, you know it's so funny, one of the crazy things when you start dating someone is to watch them fall asleep for the first time. Yeah. I remember the first time I started sleeping with you, do you remember what's so funny? One of the crazy things when you start dating someone is to watch them fall asleep for the first time. Yeah. I remember the first time I started sleeping with you. Do you remember what stuck out the most? No.

How much hair are you left on the pillow? Oh. You left so much hair on the pillow. I was like, she's gonna be bald by the time she's fucking 50. Because I'm a shatter. You're a shatter. But it's also funny to watch that person sleep.

The first time you slept with me, what did you go where you like, oh, he looks adorable, where you like fuck, this is gonna be an uphill battle. I was probably already asleep. Is that fall asleep really fast? Yeah, you're dead inside.

I don't remember. All right, let's get back to Widowly-Anne. What? Widowly-Anne, oh, Widowly-Anne. The average day of Widowly-Anne. Do I still have kids at home? Yeah, and the kids were with me in the car, and we all died.

Well, we did not be living at home. I'm hoping you died in like 10 years and the kids are not at home with me. I'm sorry, did you say 10 years? I mean, minimum, minimum, minimum, 10 minutes. I'm hoping you died in 10 years. Merim, well, if you died in 10 years, I'm so young I have to use the money, right?

I'm just kidding. I'm just talking in middle moms. How many death pools are my in? I feel like I'm in death pool. You're in death pool. Who's death, what's that? Constant hope. I'm in a lot of death pools.

Like, it means people think I'm gonna die. By the way, they work- I don't think you're gonna die. They were far off. I saw a picture myself the other day from December or from January. Huch. Why?

It was we were did DC and my eyes were like. Swollen. You don't need to type in Berkreich or fat. I know what I looked like. Look at you without a beard. I know. I look skinny in that picture. By the way, I'm actually probably that way right now.

When was that? I might shave my beard after my special. That's a horrible idea. It looks so odd with just a mustache. No, my teeth look yellow as fuck too. No they don't. When I'm don't have a beard, because my beard kind of like hides my teeth a little bit. I don't know.

Thanks, thanks. Thanks, Nandava. I really appreciate that. Maybe I'll, maybe I'll just call this special, this skinny, stop the end, stop looking at the fucking screen. Okay. Focus on the podcast again. What am I supposed to do? Um, so, okay, so the kids are still alive. No, I didn't say that. I mean, are my kids still living with me? Because they're, okay. They're still living with me. Not much changes when I get up.

I still have to get up at 5.45 and get everybody ready for school and take them to school and stuff. Let's say I die. Okay, I'm thinking of speaking. Tom's in a hot dog eating contest. I go, he starts choking. I try to give him a high-moving maneuver and we both fall off the stage and he lands on me and I get crushed to death. Oh, completely. Because that's the plausible. That's next week. Tell me about the average, Leanne, what's your life look like? Do you, are there memorials of me up around the house everywhere? Do you get rid of my clothes? Do you clean my side of the closet?

I want to know everything, by the way, I should never have said that. I want to know everything. How soon do you start going well? time to get rid of birth stuff? So do you want me to be like funny when I said all this stuff? I want to be real, because apparently real is funny on in this fucking show. Is that? Yeah.

I don't know. I mean, that's a really hard question. I don't think you're gonna die for a long time. So, I haven't really. Thank you. Yeah. Fucking first person on the show just say that. I don't think you're gonna die for a long time.

Oh, the guy me. So, I really thought about that, but my house will be really clean. I know that after you die. My house will be really clean. Okay, we get that, but like, like what's the average day look like? Do you wake up and?

Well, my kids are home is the same, except I don't answer as many emails. You don't answer any. Because you don't. Oh, you don't think anybody emails me? Personally, I've helped me. No, I meant, I meant, like, you're not gonna reply to any of my fans that are like,

Leanne, so still miss him, Bert, so much. You just go, hey guys, I can't deal with that. Oh, I don't know, maybe. I guess I would have to do that. Okay. And so then. I'd sell a t-shirt that says, RIP Bert, maybe.

I don't know. No. No. No. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Do you understand that in this show, you can't give anyone fucking ideas. Because already I know we're gonna have an RIP Bert shirt.

I know it. Well, you're the one of Hammer and the idea, and if you hadn't brought it up, I'd be in the ring. Rachel, on this show, because they fucking take it out of context. Who said something? You can't even move your hands off the table.

Why? Everyone just keep them low, Leanne, keep them low. Just keep your hands low. Okay. I get excited on the Jesse Andrews thing. Yeah. And I guess I put my hand up like I was waving a cab down and everyone's like, see he's racist,

he's doing a hell hitler. It's look. My point is we are going to be coming out with RIP Berk Kreischer and RIP Tom Sigerr shirts. Are you? Yeah, and we're going to see what you're welcome for that idea. We're going to see which one sells more. And the dog, can you fast track those for Christmas? RIP Berk Kreischer and then RIP Tom Sigerr. I wish that we could make them like the two-pock big e-shirts that were all spray-painted You know no, I don't know what you're talking about And then the big a big a and then the bones and big anyway, I don't know what you're talking about dude Let's get some tasteful RIP Bert Cry RIP Bert shirts

Made so that on the day I die you already have them in your This sounds terrible. This is a terrible plan You're now you're now you're like bagging on yourself. I'm not I'm not bagging. I'm a comedian. I can I So let's go back to Louisville the end's day Okay, I think if my kids are home the day is basically the same kids are okay kids aren't home. Well I'd definitely be walking some dogs, right? No wonder you're single. Well, I mean, I've paid my dues here. Is that how you say that?

Relationship in the apartment. So you walk the dogs coming to the backyard, you have a coffee. Yeah, totally. Read a book. You read a book. Yeah. You take care of your chickens.

I go meet Sandy for a massage. You go eat them a massage. You don't need like a workout. You don't need to work out. You're gonna be fucking single. It's gonna be fat I'll work out. I'll have time to work out then. Okay, great. So you'll work out good applied is you'll be looking good I'll be looking amazing. Yeah, yeah, we did that while I was alive keep going Well, it took you long enough to figure it out didn't it? Wow There's a lot of the antics here on this show, there guys. Fucking get ready. So, so, so then you, okay, so it's now it's noon.

You've worked out, you've gotten a massage, you've had your coffee, you've taken hairy chickens, you've walked your dogs. I guess I'll have my meals delivered because you don't, you won't be there to cook for me. Okay, now we start missing Bert. All right, I like it. Oh, I didn't say I was missing you. I just said I have my meals delivered because you won't be there to cook for me. Okay, now we start missing bird. All right, I like it. Oh, I didn't say I was missing you.

I just said I missed the meals delivered. The meals delivered. Meals delivered. Read a little more. Maybe watch some TV. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

You know what? My days are so jam packed. I don't have a lot of like leisure time. I don't fancize about that. Okay. How about you? Let's bring a little razzle dazzle Okay, you go ahead because I'm not a comedian. I'm just a regular person. What does widow birds? They look like well It's very simple number one

Kids are in boarding school. I don't care if they're You are so full of crap and I'm living in Malibu on the beach I've taken the million dollars I have in you and I've invested, I've sold all our properties, I've sold everything. Boy, you really don't know. I'm a happy Malibu. You had your time to answer. A million dollars will not get you one floor board

in Malibu. Yeah, luckily you're dead, so I don't hear your chitter chatter and I'm just talking to my real estate broker. Who says, good luck. I'm living in Malibu and I wake up super early and I with my surfboard and I go out surfing first thing in the morning, right?

Maybe I come in, maybe that's probably like eight o'clock, get some tasty waves, come in, light a joint, smoke a little bit of a joint and I'm gonna go through emails I sell a thriving career because I'm getting what they call sympathy fans. Uh-huh. Sympathy fans are like, god, he's so strong.

How is he doing? Is that what I have for my podcast? Yeah, you, by the way, your podcast is gonna blow up when I die. You're by the guys gonna blow up when I die with out of fucking, and people are gonna go, I missed the days when Berwin coming in and interrupting when I talk about his weight loss.

What? I'll reply to my fans being like, yeah, and people are gonna go, I missed the days when Berwin coming in interrupt and wanna talk about his weight loss. Uh. I'm replying to my fans being like, yeah, I'm coming out flying private to Columbus. November 8th, I'll be there. I'll see you guys there. I'm missing her too. It's hard, man. It's really hard, right?

Light a cigar. Then I have a coffee. Jordan's kinda worn off a little bit, right? Start rolling calls. Yo, Tommy. Yeah, running pussy through this house tonight, coming down. He's like bird bird bird not on this phone Call me on my burner phone. I'm like, okay, okay, okay. Oh, I got it I got a group of friends a gang of young friends who come out to my house for lunch because we're going spear fishing right off the coast Right you're gonna need some Jira Baldy are you get some Jabaldi? I love that chocolate get some gerabaldi

We'll get some fish and then we're gonna grill them up because it like five o'clock It's when the hose start rolling in. Yeah, all these young girls want to be actresses. So I got Harvey Weinstein Because I don't give a fuck anymore. I've lost my wife. Oh, what are you gonna do? No reason no more I got nothing to live for. She's gone, man. She's gone. Oh, man. I know we like grill out fish at like five o'clock watch the sunset. Girls come up and they're like, do you miss her? And I'll be like, yeah, it's really rough. You're blowing somebody? No, they are to me. You're missing. God. And then around 2 in the morning when everyone's gone and I'm still awake and I'm watching Dr. Pimple Popper.

I'll think I'm missing him. And then I'll dream about you and then in my dreams I'll have you. Aww, that's very sweet. It would suck to be. I honestly, I'm not even joking. I mean obviously that's all a joke, except for the hard one, I see the thing. The, I would suck to not, like, I've already, I'm already committed to you.

So like, I can't imagine life without you. Like, I can't imagine trying to go back to be single bird. Like, I can't imagine to like, to start again. I couldn't do it. I really honestly, I couldn't. That's why I said I'm done, I've paid my dues. I wouldn't want to start again either. We're saying the same thing. I don't know, man.

Why would you? You don't want to like it with me. Oh, shut up. That's not true. I mean, would you get like a male prostitute? No. I wanted to go to Dr. Squirts. What? Do you remember the fucking doctor? Oh, nobody wanted to go to that. It was a story. Someone Do you remember the fucking doctor? Oh, nobody wanted to go to that. It was a story, someone told us.

Yeah, Dr., tell the story, it's a good story. There's a, like a, a Jack-Jack for women. There's this guy who comes over and like, jerks women off and makes some squirt. Dr. Squirtz. In a massage. So a friend told me about her friend that got that massage and I was like, this is my impression of the lion.

Oh, are you serious? She's like, is that cheating? And I was like, ah, no. Because I know Leanne would never go. Dr. Squirts. Yeah. And then Leanne said, by the way, this was a bit for a second.

And then Leanne said, she goes, no. What if there was a guy, don't erase that in the job, I might use that. And then the job said, don't read that, Leanne. Look at me, I'll ask the questions. What? Don't read that. Look at me, I'll ask the questions.

Nadav, take it off the fucking thing. Yeah, I'm not answering those questions. Okay. Leanne said what, she goes, she goes, what if there was a woman who could give like the ultimate hand job and I remember going better than me? Like what woman spent more time with a dick in hand than I have? Like I've had my dick in my hand.

I put in so many more work hours than any woman could ever give a hand job. I would give, I would never be a woman, it would be a dude. There would be a dude would be the best hand job. Yeah. Well that was my theory about learning how to get a good blowjob, was you should learn from a gay man. Dude, I have, I tell this sometimes on stage. I saw a gay porn once on accident for like 45 minutes. Uh-huh.

Dude, blow jobs are next level. They're next level, they're not even real. I mean, they're like, do you think it's because they have a, they know what they're looking for. It's like, when you watch a man give a blowjob, it's like watching an Italian mom make meatballs. Versus my mom make meatballs. Yeah.

My mom make meatballs and then it's like, do I bake them? Do I, and you're like, no, you put them in the fucking, you gotta put them in this pan with the garlic and the onions and then the way that an Italian mom does. I remember I went to an Italian mom's house. I went to Vincent, naturalese mom's house Vincent's very Italian and They had this thing where they tied it up and just sat at the bottom of the thing and it just disappears And you know like oh, it's so good. I just kind of disintegrate into the sauce. Did you not eat lunch?

I have no, I think there's an uncrustable there if you'd like to I'm gonna take these home with me. Um, so wait, out of those questions, Bert, what is your wildest sexual fantasy and can Leon fill it? While these are in the doves, look at fucking, this fucking child in here. She's filled the man. That's what marriage is. It's just being saved knowing some love. He's so fulfilled.

I said to Leon, one time, do you remember I was like, Hey, do you want me to tell you up? And you're like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no This fucking child in here. She's fulfilled the man. That's what marriage is. It's just being saved knowing some lunch. He's so fulfilled. I said to Leon one time, do you remember I was like, hey, do you want me to tell you up? And you're like, no. Cool. And you're like, no, I mean, I just don't want that. And I was like, okay. And you're like, why would you even ask that? And I was like, I don't know. I just didn't want to like not say it once. And you're like, okay, you've said it. I don't want it. And I was like, all right. You're like, I like what we do. And I was like, me too. Oh God, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me around July and the kids ice cream cones collapse it on their hand and the mom cleans it up for them. Oh. That's disgusting.

That's gross. There's like an urgency to it. Like, oh, I gotta get this done. Oh. Oh. How do you know you can't see what I'm doing? I can feel it. Oh.

Yeah. Um, Leanne, is there any, like, if you could change one thing about me, not sexually, not physically, not... Is that your not- It's not changing anything about you. I'm trying to get you to say that you want me to get hair transplant. I don't, I don't, I don't, I like your hair.

I keep going around this subject. I like your hair. Can I tell you, I gotta be honest with you. I make fun of Tom for losing his hair, because he's around this subject. I like your hair. Can I tell you, I gotta be honest with you. I make fun of Tom for losing his hair because he's young and it's just happened so rapidly. It's almost like he's sick. Yeah.

His hair looks better balding than it ever looked with hair. He looked so stupid with hair. You think so? He has like cop hair. Well, your hair is very, I mean, it suits you. And you have a lot of hair. I know you think you don't, but you do. You have a lot cop hair. Well, your hair is very, I mean, it suits you. And you have a lot of hair. I know you think you don't, but you do.

You have a lot of hair. I have a pretty good beard right now. It's very sexy. But Tom's hair, we did a show one time in Sacramento and he used to comb his hair back. He used to be parted in combed back kind of. And it was thin, but it was thin. Like, it wasn't just thinning.

It was thin actual thin hair. Like, thin hair. Each individual hair was thin. And I was thin, like, it wasn't just thinning, it was thin, actual thin hair. Like, thin hair. Each individual hair was thin. And I remember he was bombing so hard, we talked about this on the show, but he was bombing so hard that what happened was his hair was, it was like, it collapsed to the point like on the sides, because the sweat

that there was one thin thing of hair going back. And I swear to God, the whole audience was not listening to him, watching that thin comb back line of hair waiting for it to fall. And like he did 25 minutes and it, 22 minutes it went. And I swear to God,

you can hear the audience go, aww, like they were totally not listening to what he said, they were just watching this thin line of hair. But that was a great improv, Bert, and a great way to act out. That was a great act. It was an excellent use of prop.

Yup. So yeah, so Tom got a hooker and Amsterdam. No, he wants to know. He did not. Is that cheating? Yes, cheating. Okay, I'll let him know. Yeah, I didn't do that.

What if he said, and he said, I just felt her tits over the shirt when I was fucking her. No. Is that cheating? Yeah, as he was fucking her. Okay, how about this? Say, let's, I would have to let's technically say, in what, if I was gonna have a TV show,

right, then film the January. What if I have a scene where I have to make out with a chick, is that cheating? No. I could totally make out with a chick. If you're? No. I can totally make out with a check. If you're fucking her, you're doing a porno. No, no, no. So I think that maybe not what you're talking about.

Hold on, hold on. Go ahead, try to back yourself into this, Mr. but the answer's going to be a little. No, if I can kiss a check in a scene. Yeah, of course, you're not. If I can kiss a check in an audition. Yeah. I can totally do it again.

Well, yeah. Okay. Yeah, there's no way that you can connive or criminal this right is short for me and Tom where we make out with two chicks Oh, yeah, what ever boring And then I'm gonna write a scene where you have to make out with like an invalid Just like that's just creepy. All right. We've done 55 minutes. I think that's our contractual obligation in my credit. Is it? Well, yeah, I mean. Why are you tired?

No, no, no, no, I could go on forever. I just, I'm afraid that the, I think the fans are gonna like this one, but, uh. But they really come to see you and Tom. They don't come to see you and me. By the way, I don't even think they come to see me. I think they come to see Tom. Well, that may be, no, well, I mean, obviously,

you two have a really good friendship, like a genuine friendship And that's cool to watch so I think you are part of that friendship. What do you who? Okay, we're gonna go we're gonna say Strengths Talmerbird, okay? What okay? We're gonna pick quick quick quick purple crow it Quid pro That's the wrong term, but yeah. Do you think has more self-restraint, me or Tom?

Tom? Based on what? He's 300 pounds. Based on... Based on... Okay, never mind. If you were going to have to cast one of us as Magnum PI and one of us is Han Solo. Uh-huh. Who would you cast as who and I think I already know the answer PI and one of us is Han Solo. Uh-huh.

Who would you cast as who and I think I already know the answer? I think you would be Han Solo. Really? Yeah, and Tom would be Magnum PI. Ha. Why? Because you know what that question really means, right? Who's dangerous?

Yeah. I'm not stupid. Nidav, who do you think's more dangerous? Me or Tom? Yeah. Yeah. Doh. Oh, that's because he's not here.

Was that Tom? Well, I mean, he does wear a shirt on stage. He does. So, um, if you were going to say one of us sold out first and got a job hosting the prices right, replacing Drew Carrienne, I'm not saying Drew Carri sold out. I think he probably did. I think he would say I think he really enjoys his job. I think he did. By the way, I by the way, I would enjoy that job too. I take it back as I just answered my own question. I would take it in the heartbeat. I would love to host the prices right. Just coming every day and be like,

here you go guys, you got my price. Well, it would be all about that long microphone. Oh, long skinny microphone. If you think someone was gonna get a job as a talk show host first, who would it be, near Tom? Well, it depends, is it an interview show or are you just the person talking? Interview show. Tom. Talk, just the person talking interview show Tom talk you

Priever the just person talking you you like to hear yourself talk a lot If one of us is gonna get a job if one of us was going to get a job if one of us is gonna get canceled culture at first Who do you think I don't know what that means? I was told what do you mean what is that mean cancel cultured? What does that mean? Does that mean you eat something that can't close out your yogurt? What does that mean? What they do to Louis CK it's like it's like today what does that mean today? I'm doing a podcast with her two friends Kathy and Kirsten the reading

Jeannie Jeannie Gaffigan's book Jeannie Gaffigan's book and When's it, Jeannie Gaflow? Jeannie Gafigan's book and... When life gives you payers. And we were talking about this community app. It's called Community, that's the phone number they give us. And then the app is just simply a place where we can go to respond to all those texts. There's a real phone number,

but that's where all the texts are collected. It's when I say app, don't get confused. What I was saying to her was, and this is a testament to like, women of Leanne's ilk, women that are cut from the same cloth as Leanne. Women as the same age as Leanne is Leanne goes, what is cancer culture?

To cancel cancer culture? I got cancer cultured. Cancer culture, and to cancer culture. Um, cancel culture. And it's, to me, it's like, it's like all we talk about is that we know Louis CK, Jackson off in front of a couple of girls. Obviously, ask them, but it doesn't matter to people. They cancel them.

Liberals cancel them. They go, he's canceled to us. Okay. They can even still like him, but they can't like him now because they're afraid they'll lose their status with their friends. And then they're- It's not okay to like him. It's not, like him now because they're afraid they'll lose their status with their friends. And then they're not okay to like him. It's not, you're not allowed.

Yeah. Culturally it's not okay. Okay. Like if you, if someone was to show a picture of someone in blackface, then they, that guy gets cancel cultured, right? Yeah. Okay. It's losing its teeth at the tadpix.

I think people are a little past it. They're like, whatever. And then today I was talking to Kirsten, one of Leanne's friends, they're about to do a podcast. And I was talking about this phone number and the text I get. Now I'll say to you very candidly, just be careful with this text because you really show who you are when you start texting with someone. And so a lot of people are melting down on this app because they're not getting reply

in what they felt was a timely manner. Much like a breakup. So you're getting a lot of breakup texts with people that you've never met and you just see like a fucking 22 year old boy. Oh, you mean like H-tex escalates? Like that? Like escalates to a place where you are like,

like they're sending pictures of dicks to you. You fuck off, eat a dick asshole. This is so I knew I always knew you were. I could never trust you dad. And you're like, like they're sending pictures of dicks to you. Fuck off. Eat a dick asshole. This is so I knew it, I knew you were. I could never trust you dad. And you're like, what? And then you reply and you're like, hey man, I just got these. And they're like, oh my God, you didn't see any of my past acts.

Do you, and like, they're melting the fuck down. It is a representation of, I've never felt more empathetic for women who've had to deal with me. Because it's just men, it's not women, it's not women doing it. It is just men. And it's men that are very lonely. And so I love this.

You're assuming, you're assuming that you're low. I'm certain that a man that is texting to me 20 times in a row does not have a lot of fucking fun. But that would make somebody feel bad that did that. You're calling them that. I hope they feel bad. Stop fucking sending me pictures of Dicks going go fuck yourself asshole. Really? It would make somebody feel bad that did that, that you're calling them that. I hope they feel bad. Well, what? Stop fucking sending me pictures of Dicks going, go fuck yourself asshole.

Really? Why haven't someone do that? It's a direct insight to their ego and their self-esteem of like they don't feel good about themselves. It's like, it's, there's a lot of people that text and then you text with them and then they'll be like, hey man, how can you text me back? What the fuck, what are you doing? And then they start psychotaxing you and you're like,

hey man, I just got this, I was on a plane. And then they're like, oh, I didn't know you're on a plane. And you're like, yeah, I was on a flight. Should it matter? Do you need that immediate of a response? Exactly, that's my point. Some texts, mostly women, almost entirely women, and like regular human beings text,

and if they don't get a text back, they're like, eh, and then I text back and they're like, oh, cool to hear from you. So I'm like, hey, you just made my day. There was awesome, thanks for that, be birthday wish. Some of them fucking spiral down. Spiral out, hardest fuck my point, and I was telling this,

and immediately Leanne's friend, Kirsten, goes like, Stan, and I said, what, she was like the M&M song Stan, and I went, exactly like Stan, exactly like Stan, and she goes, yeah, it's like M&M and I go that's actually a thing She goes I have no idea what you're talking about I go to Stan someone is like a thing She goes I told him what you're talking about. I was like you just said it to me. You don't know what you're talking about She's like no, what are you talking about? I go like Stan you know how Stan and she goes I'm not following I go You just use that example, but it's like cool to be you guys where you don't know anything about anything That's going on and you just don't give a fuck and you're like canceling culture. If it's a good special

I'll watch it like I'll give them I'll give them a second chance, you know Yeah, totally. Yeah Louis CK put tickets on sale on his website Louis CK dot com. I think it is and not that I'm promoting it, but He just he's doing a big theater tour and he just released tickets. Yeah, he's doing a big theater tour and he sent on an email to all his fans and I obviously didn't um subscribe, but it was very you know Can I just tell you I'm gonna read Louise email because It bothered me that people got so upset about this email, okay?

Who would wait? Why would somebody get up? Wait, I thought you said he sent them to his fans. So, Louis has not been obviously sending out emails for a while. Yeah. Because he was canceled, cultured. Well, yeah, and it just, I just got, he was canceled cultured. So obviously he's not like sending up updates. Like, hey guys, still staying out of the line like trying to figure things out.

Hey, I hope everything's good. Like he's still laying low. He's still laying low. Hey guys, apparently people are recording my sets. If you're going to my shows, please don't do that. Like he just, he has not been sending out emails. So this, and so he sent out an email, which I will say, I will very candidly say,

and it is known. I am friends with Louis. I like Louis. I've never disliked Louis I've always enjoyed him. I've always thought he was a brilliant comic and That's where that leads. I told everyone these are not new things. I knew about these allegations Roughly around the time they happened. It was becoming sense with common within the comedy community Never really changed the way. I didn't know everything that happened never really changed away. I saw him. I'm a dude

I'm also 46 so that's where we lay right? I Didn't I'm subscribed to his email. I didn't even know about it. I didn't even know that I didn't even think twice about it, but He sent a text now an email and I'll say very kindly when I got it I went whoa is gonna ruffle some feathers because I bet there's a group of people that were huge Louis fans that forgot they were subscribed to his news editor that just got an email from Louis now to go back to this community app when you get and I got one from Jim Gaffigan Jim Gaffigan texted me when you get it oh skinny Tommy

bones wow we really fucking cancel culture that Hey, what's up? Hey, are you recording? Yeah, I'm recording right now Who you with oh Joe Rogan came over It's Liam It's It's Liam. How's your new kettlebell routine? It's good. It's good. Yeah, I fucking I look I look good in the dog when I walked in he's like dude you do look like you've lost weight You do look like you I feel good man

Let's let's do a bet. Let's put a bet on that, Tommy. How? What? Give me a bet. Let's let's tear a bet where we figure out how I'll I will weigh myself. No, when you get back, we'll do a bird a two bears one cave. I'll weigh myself for it. And then you give me a date and I've got to keep it below the way I wait in it. Oh My god, I'm so in on this Okay, I'm in on this too. By the way, Lea just goes she's as soon as it came out of my mouth. I was like is that what I meant to say? Leanne goes I want money on this too. I Got to pay for Christmas somehow. Oh Fuck Leanne's doing Leanne's doing a killer job

I'm not gonna talk. Leanne's doing a killer job. She is, I believe it. Yeah, what would you say? That's exactly how you get in trouble. You say shit like that. And then you're like, oh, what is that? It's exactly, I told Pat McAfee, I can kick a field going a month.

He writes checks is ask can't cash. Yeah, right checks are ask can't catch. Hey, we're house, how's Europe? It's right. I just did the answer work, Antwerp show. There was on the, you were here. Oh, Antwerp's so great. Such a great city, isn't it? Yeah, they go, I walked out and they're like, you know, bird state and he hung out. People for two hours. And, uh, and they're like, and then you didn't meet anybody.

We operate. And the guy, the guy goes, I guess it's choices. He chooses to meet people and you choose not to. Yep, that's a good way to turn around. That's a really good way to get. We had a great episode. Leanne walked us through at the average day of Widow, Leanne would look like, oh, really?

Oh, my God, I want to hear what exactly would that would be. And then I walked her through what the amazing day of Widow Burt would look like. Where are you at? Where are you at right now? I'm standing outside my hotel in Antwerp. Oh, and then, and then, oh, it's nighttime there. Yeah, yeah. And we're, what days do you have left? We're putting this up tonight. What days do you have left? We're putting this up tonight.

What days do you have left? Do you have any tickets available? They're all sold out. Oh, wow. I guess, I guess Brexit really helped. Okay. Bye. Yeah, I'm going to go.

I think it might be a few London tickets, I guess. But I didn't believe Paris went. I was like, oh, Paris. Are you sold out Paris? Yeah, I mean, small, but I thought it was not going to sell. I think they call it petite over there, Tom. Yeah. Did you add a show for your Netflix taping

on November 24 in Cleveland at two shows? Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I did. I did, I did, I did. OK. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Yeah, I can't wait to get back. When do you get back when you get back.

I get back November 18th. Okay. All right. We'll see you the 18th then. All right. Have fun in your buddy. I will. I'll talk to you later. Be safe. Enjoy your November 1st there. Thanks, Ben. Bye. Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Skurra. All right. We're gonna, we're gonna close out on this Louis CK. I wanna hear your take on this, okay? On what? On this Louis CK, because I started something about Louis CK. I don't wanna.

Yeah, I knew that. Yeah. Um, I will say that, uh, when I got the email, I did think a lot of, a lot of people that were fans of Louis that canceled him. And by the way, you have a right to cancel anyone you want to cancel for the record. Well, everybody has a right to their own opinion, including an opinion that is opposing your friends.

Yeah, you can do whatever the fuck you want. Like if you want to cancel Louis and you're like, it's just not for me. I'm not shitting on that. I'm just saying that I didn't. So don't shit on me. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, everybody has a right to do. Yeah. I'm dying to see Dave Chappelle's speech from the Kennedy Center last night. Yeah. He had the Mark Twain award and he will, and

he basically talked about, talked about freedom of speech. That's great. And how important it is. I can't wait to see it. He's such a smart fucking dude. Yeah. He really is. I wish I had half his fucking brain. You do. You're very smart. I got this email and it's one of the things I love about the community thing, about that phone number that I have, 3, 2, 3, 2, 3, 2, 1, 0, 8, 4, 4, is that when you reply to people, I know that I got to reply from Jim Gaffigan, it got me excited. I was like, oh my God, it's from Jim Gaffigan.

And I always felt like when I got email from Louis, I was like, wait, Louis emailing me? It was like a fun little heartbeat. This is what his email said, Hello there, you're getting this email because you're on my emailing list. And then in big letters with black and red lighting, he wrote, if you'd like to be removed with the highlighted like to be removed from this list,

please scroll down now all the way to the bottom of this email and click unsubscribe option down there. So I gotta give it to Louis and like going like, hey man, like he really did say in this email, hey I am not trying to trigger you, I'm not trying to fuck your day up. I know what I did is deplorable. I'm not trying to justify it in sending this email,

but I still have this email. I am doing a tour. I do want to do comedy again. There are people that do want to see that. This is how I get it done. Please right now, just unsubscribe to my email list. And it was, I thought that was done fairly tastefully. Mm-hmm. Correct. Sounds like it, yeah. The problem with America is that it's the Howard Stern effect. They used to say people that loved Howard Stern would listen for an hour, people that hated Howard Stern would listen for four.

Right. And what sucks is those same people that canceled on them, they get a rush out of hatred, I think sometimes. And so I think a lot of them, I know that a lot of them read it because it was all over the internet. How dare he let us know there are tortures. Sadly, that's kind of on you.

You should have read that first part, scroll down and click on subscribe and not had that fuck your day up. Yeah. Instead, you read the entire fucking email. By the way, I didn't read the whole email. I didn't read it and I'm a fan of Louis. I love Louis. I know Louis.

I texted him privately. I've emailed with him and said, hey, I'm in New York,, I love Louis, I know Louis, I texted him privately, I've emailed with him and said, hey, I'm in New York, come do a show with me. I didn't read the whole fucking email. I don't even know. But is that what's a troll is? Or no? No, it's not, I don't think those are trolls.

I think that's just a natural human behavior. I don't know, I don't think so. I get caught up in it, I'm shitting on them right now, I get caught up in it. No, but I would do exactly what you said. I would go, oh, well then I'm just gonna unsubscribe. And I wouldn't have given I don't think so. I get caught up in it, I'm shitting on them right now, I get caught up in it. No, but I would do exactly what you said. I would go, oh, well then I'm just gonna unsubscribe. And I wouldn't have given him the time of day. If Harvey Weinstein, if Harvey Weinstein has sent that out,

I probably would have read it. I take that back. Like out of curiosity, out of like car crash type isms, I would have read it. I would have read it. I would have definitely read it. If Ted Kaczynski sends out an email, I'm reading it. I don't know.

I feel like everyone is the master of their own destiny. And Louis has the right to be the master of his own destiny. So if you are not in alignment with him or whoever else sends you an email, pottery barn, you wanna unsubscribe, do it. You don't have to read or participate in anything that you don't want to in this country. That's one of the brilliant things about living here.

Yeah, and by the way, and I'm not saying that I'm not I'm not sharing anything brilliant. I don't ever claim to have like some inside on life, some fast track to way things work. All I will say is that I definitely get caught up in for whatever reason, Googling shit I don't like. And so then sometimes I go to my Google news and the first thing comes up with something that and I by the way, it's a real word, triggering is a real thing. It does happen to get triggered to like,

what the fuck? And so I see it online and I go like, I'm like, right now, Kevin Spacey dodges all charges in LA sexual assault case, and his victim dies. And immediately that makes me angry, and I go fucking reading this. I shouldn't. Why did his victim die?

I'm gonna read it all out. I don't know. I don't know. I think they can't be related. He didn't fucking be dead. He can't be related. Why would they even put those two things in one? That's implying that one thing is related to the other. That one is not, did the guy kill himself because of the sexual assault then it's related? I don't know why. But they're implying that he's responsible for this person's death, is he? It's pretty big implication in that headline.

Does he have dub? They just passed away. Wow, they really triggered me. Yeah, that's, I'm a fucking idiot. It only meant, he just died, like he died. Yeah, and that. Yeah, that's, I'm a fucking idiot. He just died, like he died. Yeah, and that's unfair. That's unfair, and I'm not even given face to the fan. I'm not giving face to the fan, but that's inaccurate.

That's inaccurate information. We need to do a segment, Nadav called, uh, called, just the headlines. And so I'll read the headlines, and I'll just give you news, segments based on just the headlines. That's, I read based on just the headlines. That's, I read that he murdered him too.

Well, that's what they want you to know. And, you know, I am not a fan of our president, but that is sort of fake news there. The guy died of natural causes a few weeks ago. Exactly. So that's bullshit that they try to relate those to. So kind of space he's dig his innocent. They were, no, they were pulling readers

by having something sensational like someone dying. And that's unfair. That's not, those are two different pieces of news. They have married to get more people to read and more clicks. And that is what is wrong with society today. I believe is that it's all about more clicks. Instead of about what's really happened.

By the way, more clicks is so true. Listen to this, World Series Flashasher, Lauren Summers, says she did it for breast cancer awareness. I clicked it and I better see Tits New York Post. Oh my God. Jesus. Hey, can you show me the New York Flasher on the screen?

It's a fucking commercial. That's how they make their money. They got me to click for Tits. They just showed me the Terminator's new trailer. And that's how they make their fucking money. You just bought it. Who's Ryan Sinker? God damn it.

Neil Brennan gives the best speech at the Mark Twain award. Shout out to Neil Brennan. I'm a big fan of Neil's. Triggered. Clicked. Give me an ad. Give me an ad. Oh, Neil Brennan.

Ooh. I bet that is an amazing speech. I'm going to watch that online. I'm sure it's online. Regardless, what we really started this podcast with is why we call Christina P. Push. So do you want to end on that button? Yeah. Good. So why do we call Christina P. Push? We were all hanging out on the beach. Yes. And Tom introduced me to him up his wife for the first time. They were engaged. His engaged his fiance fiance. His fuck piece. His his side bitch. Right. His main bitch. His main is bottom. Yeah. He introduced me to her. I played it cool. I pretend like I didn't know she was.

I was a huge fucking fan. I was a huge fan of pushes before I met her. I knew exactly who the fuck she was. I was hoping it was the other blonde chick, but it was her. I'm kidding, she knows what I'm talking about too. Susie, do you know who Susie is? You don't know anything about anything. No, I was not a huge fan, I didn't know who she was. I was a huge fan.

So he's like, this is my girlfriend, Christina. And I was like, hey, I have always had a hard time remembering Kristen, Christina, and just those two, I guess. Kristen's, Christine's. Well, we have, we had two Christina's before you met Christina. And our life. Yeah. And Christine.

Yeah. So, and then I was like, I'll just call her by her last name. And I said, oh, it's your last name. She said, Pujitski. And I was like, I am never remembering that. And so name and I said, oh, it's your last name. She said Pujitski And I was like, I am never remembering that and so I said cool. I'm just gonna call you a push And she was like, huh? And I was like, yeah, yeah, it's like a good nickname. So the internet started calling her push Bonds and push we're like art. It was an easy way to remember them and our kids only know where his push I think they know where's Christina now, but like but when they know her mostly they'll say who I go push

Oh, yeah, Tommy buns. Oh Tommy buns. Like they won't if I go Tom Sagarra. They're like who's that? Yeah push and Tom Yeah, they said one time they were in the car they go do I know Tom Sagarra and I was like yeah And they're like how would I know him I go buns and they go oh Tommy buns? Oh, I know Tommy buns I go that's Tom Sgarra and they're like why would he have that name also? And I'm like, man That's why we have AIDS for you guys And that's why I have a tutor for you. Cause apparently, but no, so that's why we call her push. And I've always called her push.

It's just, I still have a hard time calling her Christina P. I've never called her Christina. I've always called her push. Yeah, and I haven't even been helpful in the Christina P transition. I've actually been what they call problematic. Have you? Yeah, cause I like push.

I like push. Well, that's a term of endearment for me. It's like sweetheart to me. It's such a cool nickname. I know, I love it too. It really warms my heart to call her push. I mean, I'm happy to call her Christina. I got my nicknames, the machine,

nature boy, and we're penis- No, I think that was Rick Flair, nature boy. No, I was called nature boy in high school. I'm going through in high school. In high school, they call me the nature boy. You know what they call me in high school? I do not want to know.

I do not, I don't want to know. Come dumpster. No, that's a really nasty thing to say in your life. No, I'm just saying like, I was just, the worst names you could have said. That's horrible. What do they call you in high school? Never mind.

I guess you'll never know now. No, I'm just, bon know now. No, I'm just Boenner garage no wait wait. I was a joke. It was a god damn it fuck this podcast I don't know vest is the way you joke with your wife. No, it was a joke. Come bucket No, Peter's sucker. Whatever you came up with no, no, it's a joke is like you know they call me and and yeah But don't you think it's a little demeaning? It's a joke. It's a joke. Do you think your wife had that kind of name in high school? No, it's a joke That's why it was not a good joke

But if you said you know what they called me in high school, and I was like no one I got really excited You're like bone or garage. I'd be like huh, and then that would be the joke like the first blowjob ever God yeah, I understand the nature of a joke. I also understand that that was not a nice joke to say about your wife who's not a comedian. Okay. What did they call you in high school? Never mind.

No, I'm not telling you. You can suck this boner garage all day long. You can take your come bucket somewhere else. What did they call you in high school? I do want to know. I'm sorry. Don't you wish you knew? No, don't do that with me. I'm never gonna tell you Somebody shit the bed Yes, you thought it thought for you What I hate our relationship.

Our relationship to a team is her bullying me please. I mean, please. No! Why? You have a terrible joke like that? And you think because you go please, that I'm just gonna tell you? No.

If you knew the nickname, you'd understand why I wouldn't tell you. Interesting. Interesting. It wasn't a boat or garage. For sure. I just saw we are the millers. All right. That's a great way to close this episode.

Tom, I can't wait to you back. Help me to. Help me to save trip in Europe and know that when, oh fuck, have a great week everybody. Body shots world tour. I am in Cincinnati, Columbus, Chicago, Fort Wayne, Secret Time. I've added some club dates to warm up for my special. I am not promoting those.

If you go to burper, burp.com, you can find tickets for those. I made them kind of secret so that you can find them. And if you want to come to them, you can see my special that I'm working on. I'm not promoting them because it fucks up everything. So, but didn't you just promote them? I didn't promote them.

I made it so that if you really want to see them, you go to them. But most people will be like, eh, I'll just see you when you kind of my city and the theater. That's what I want. Okay. Yeah, that's so that if you really want to see him, you go to them. But most people will be like, eh, I'll just see you when you kind of my city in the theater. That's what I want. Yeah, yeah, that's how that works. Okay. Yeah, if you're legit fan, you're like,

oh, what city's he going to go to? Go to Barbara, go to the column. You're like, whoa, shut up, get the fuck out. You're crackers or whatever? No, I'm not a crackers, but it's the name I came up with. Lexi, didn't, didn't, Tucky. Um, hey, I love you. I love you too, babe.

It was a great, this really was a great episode. Yeah, it was fun. It was a fun fucking episode. We should do a podcast together about what we call it. What would we call it? One bear one, Kant? I don't know. That's probably what you'd call it. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Have a great week everybody. No scripts to be the booze amateur, Fatology, dirty jokes,

Rancho hero, no apologies. Here's what we call, Two Bears One Cave.