2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 120 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & David Spade

Episode Date: February 14, 2022

It's another week of 2 Bears 1 Cave, and we have guest bear David Spade joining Tom Segura! Spade has all sorts of questions as he just started an SNL themed podcast co-hosted by Dana Carvey called "Fly On The Wall." David tells Tom about getting on Saturday Night Live with Rob Schneider and what it was like to be a writer/performer on the cast back then. They talk about Tommy Boy, Chris Farley, Kevin Nealon, Gap Girls, and a horror story involving Eddie Murphy.

He's in tick-tock, they're like, we're quitting. Do you hate your jobs? Your boss mean? Yeah. What's happening? I don't know. You think Lauren was like, David, come here. Sit on my knee.

Do you seem stressed? Because you haven't been on 15 shows in a row. You just can give a fuck. He goes, you're weak, leave. 100%. 100%. 100%. You're impressed, dude.

I'm impressed with the set, yeah. Yeah, me come on. I walked in here and I'm like, well, I'm gonna set up Avatar 3. So much shit and electronics. This is really the fuchs. Yeah, man. This is the fuchs.

I actually saw it on YouTube. I wanted to do my research. And so I was like, hey, who's Tom Sagora and who's, who's Christchurch? And so I go, let's just start there. And then it might have been an old one because you had to up, it was paper behind you.

And it was like, it's all on you. No, that is actually kind of recent. So what happened was, we used to do them all here. Then we moved to Austin. Bert didn't move there, but I moved there. And since it's my operation, I had a studio built, and they told us, I don't know if you've ever had some construction done on a home or something, and they're like, it'll be done. And then it was time to be done. It's just five more

months. So five more months. Then we started to take, we did a purposely shitty sets. We would just tape. I kind of like that, though. Yeah. And I think everyone likes it more. Because when you see a shitty show, you're like, it's gonna have a shitty set. Yeah. And then it sort of all makes sense. No, your show is funny. And I will make funny, you guys, even though I don't know,

you well enough to make funny, you guys. I think you do. I know, Bert, a hair better. But from the store. No. Yeah, when he used to work at Ampio. Mm-hmm. I used to get Avazavis, bro, no, he could easily work at his store.

And he probably will. He probably will. And he's on a binge right now. It's six years of doing what? Just eating and drinking. Yeah. I was thinking, you're married and I go, a bird campy. He's not putting someone through that, is he?

Oh, yeah. He's married? Yup. Oh my God, you know the phone. We have to find out that, just, no, whatever. No, I love Bert. She's a saint. She really is.

I mean, you gotta be. I mean, he tapes his toenails to the bottom of the coffee table in the living room, you know. Oh, yeah, it's gotta be a whole thing. It's a lot, man. It's a lot, man. I wish he was here just so I could make fun of him because he's a good laugher, but. He's a great laugher and he's like,

and you know, I would encourage you because he'll definitely watch this to make fun of him as much as you can. Oh, okay, I think he seems okay because I watched one of yours on the YouTube. Yeah, the YouTube is very modern. And it's, it definitely needs to be filmed. It jumps off the screen.

No, because I'm only saying that to Bustier Balls because I am doing a podcast now and it's, it's a little harder than I thought. And I actually, I don't film it and I want to. It's the flytrap. The new one with you. Yes, it's fucking hard. So I'm the guest and you will be nice to me

and then I will be mean to you. That's how it works. Okay, okay. I've done fly swatter with you and you. Fly on the wall. Oh, the fly on the wall. Even Dana goes, that's pretty funny. I don't get it.

I go, it's not really funny. It's just someone told me once when we were doing one, one of the sound guys, one of these like these idiots in the back. They just divide guys. They go, hey, it was fun to hear you guys talk. It was like being a fly in the wall. And I go, oh, that might be an interesting way to say it, because we could have a goofy title.

We had a million titles are hard to come up with. And then I go, fly in the wall, it just seems like, all right, you're in on this dopey conversation of comedians. And so that's kind of what stuck. But we don't film it, which I don't love, because I think me and Dana are like, he does a lot of impressions and just sort of animated and the guests, I like seeing a guest.

Like I watched, when I watched you two, I just like watching it even if there's not that much going on, I just find a watch, I don't mind. I do, so we did, when we started doing podcasts, I started in 2010 and it was audio, audio, audio only, right? Then the idea video was like, just seemed silly. It was actually dopey McJufe. These cool, uh,

that's my screen name and my password. He, uh, he was actually the one who encouraged me to do it and who put up clips. And now, dude, you have to have videos. I know, but you know what? It might turn to that. You know, I are Dana and I are old friends. You know, Dana Carvey from The Oldest Now. I'm pretty sure you do.

He's legendary dude and I started with Dana, when he was already on. And he was just a really good version of me. That was the hardest part. It was like, it was like I was sort of brought in. I apparently did light up my life. You guys have a good similar. Yeah, I'm like a less energy, less talented.

And he was perfect for SNL because growing up, SNL wasn't even in my dream. No. You know, it wasn't on my vision at all. Did you, were you like, usually I think most people, especially who get into comedy, but maybe like everybody has a class, like you know, one that they were like,

this is the one that I, yeah, that I, of comics, you mean, why? Well, it's like, like when, SNL's been on for like 130 years. When you they were like, this is the one that I, yeah, that I've, of comics, you mean, why? Well, it's like, like when, Edison was been on for like, I see 130 years. When you're saying that, yeah. And so you're, you're era, yeah.

So like you are the one that I was it, like obsessed with. Yeah, thank you. I think that would fall right around there, right? Yeah, because I think, and the class was nuts because it was you, Farley, Spade, Rock, like it was you, farly spayed, rock. It was insane to me.

So I've seen, I get it now, like a older that people, like kind of like, like, as an ally. Well, that they pick it, like they're like, well, for me it's from 2012 to 2016 or something. It's sort of what I would guess is when you were,

maybe in high school or college, and you were talking about it with your buddies, you had a common denominator, you'd stay home and you'd watch it and you really were into it. And then once you have stuff to do or you get older or you don't talk about the same people, you just sort of fade out of it and you catch it here and there but you really related because it was around the same age group as the cast members maybe and then when Dana, Dennis Miller, love it's all these guys that were great Phil Harbin, they were leaving we came in and it was kind of good because now and then it's like they pepper in one a year and there's not really a cast cast you know like this chunk

right uh you could say Chris Wigg as they came in Kenan is on right now there's obvious standouts and people that are always still really good on the show. But we sort of lucked into, you know, I didn't know. I wasn't a writer, per se, as a standup, you know. And you probably made me with the same way where you're thrust into saying, I'm on SNL now, which I never thought,

and I don't write sketches, and nobody gives a fuck. So here's a legal pad and a brown desk, not this shitty, but it was like really, no. Well, I do I do this here the nicest. Dude, dude, I love it. I love it. You don't care. And it's kind of what's expected.

Please. I don't know why I can't help it. No, dude, I love it. And so it helps that you have that like Larry Ellison facial hair and looks like it. What is this shit? God damn it, it looks old. No. Let Ellison facial hair. It looks like it. What is this shit? God damn it, it looks old.

No. Let me take this like Iron Man. All kidding. Aside, there's a mirror which is a fucking mistake. And you have a fucking amazing head of hair. You son of a... No, this hair, right, this second looks good because I have a... Because it was $40,000.

Yeah, $100,000. And $140,000. No, my biggest mistake was making it the Tommy Boy joke where it blows back and then from then on, everyone's like, what the fuck is going on? But that, by the way, just a side note, in that movie, I think you saw for sure. I saw that movie, not kidding, maybe 150 times. Oh God, that's so nice. I love that man. Listen, so that movie, not kidding, maybe 150 times.

Oh God, that's so nice. I love that man. Listen, so that movie, a lot of people take seven years to graduate college. That's a good one. See, I had a couple of lines too. Obviously, this Farley's movie, and I make no qualms about it.

I was so lucky. No, dude, you had the best flight out. That's a good one. That was a good one. That was a great one. Yeah, they called Dr. J. That was fun. And then there was a scene we walked by, this big fan.

That was a 23 hour shoot that night. BTS. Can I do this? Can I do this? How are you when you shot that? I was probably, that was like my third year of SNL. It was probably 28 maybe. Oh my God.

Such a little fucking cold. But then you just think, I still am. Did you think that like you had one lottery, like this, this is unbelievable? No, I didn't quite get bitch. I still am. Do you think that like you had won the lottery? Like this is unbelievable. No, I didn't quite get how lucky I was. Really? It was luckily on S&L. And I mean it, like, I don't mean like you're lucky.

I just mean like that you're that age. You're on S&L. Oh, over time it really sinks in of like, how fucking lucky were we because I got S&L and I was a standup. It was a middle. And to get S&L is a middle, so we Schneider. And did you do it?

Like, there's always the famous tryouts. Wait, we mean middle act for the audience. The middle act is like not a headliner, I had about 30 minutes of material. He was in, I was like, right, so a burnt. Right, so middle that headlines. Yeah. So, and now I, yes, it was a tough try out.

It was, you know, Schneider was a buddy. And I lived with, Kevin Neelan, who you mentioned before we got into. I love Kevin Neelan. Kevin Neelan has drive, funny act. He's so cute. And I would see him at the improv and I was like, watching, luckily, I was probably 20 when I walked in the improv and got in when I was 20 and started I was probably 20 when I walked in the improv and got in when I was 20 and started doing no hosting and shit. Not

really anything just do but would go do five up front and then you know just stay here till fucking two a.m. and interview people. So it's a tough job but I was like fuck yeah I get to do it so 30 bucks is 30 bucks. So I did it and then Neelan Riser, you know the chalkboard at the improv these to have Leno sign felt like you could see really good acts and Neelan I always thought was great. It's a fucking funny dry jokes And it was sort of different style that I like, you know that I kind of He's researched papered into my own life and my own act and uh Dana a little bit of Jesus' hand, friend guy.

So, Neelan, out of the blue one night, goes, I was saying, I was living with John Mulroney or something like this comic, and I go, I got kicked out, and he goes, oh shit, you know, I'm actually got us in El now. You know, you wanna rip my room, I live in a house. With Bob Dubac, this other comedian, and Dana Carvey, who lives above the garage.

And I said, oh yeah, sure. So I rented his and when he'd come back on breaks, he'd sleep on a couch, nicely he didn't kick me out. He would stay there. And then I met Dana and Dana would tell us, what were the stories about us now. And then eventually, down the line, still never crossed in mind to be on. I'm not an impressionist. I'm not like a high-energy sketch player, whatever.

And then they just saw me on the HBO Young Comedian special. Did you ever see that? I used to watch all those. That was cool, right? That was like the only gaming town. So if you got that... Those were the shit. And then you have sometimes...

There would be the ones that really the sets would like kill. And you're like, oh my god, get like obsessed with them. And sometimes you go, I could do this. Like someone would hit an off-night and you go, they oh my God, get like obsessed with them. And sometimes you go, I could do this. Like someone would hit an off night and you go, they're not that great, but. And that's for sure is one taping, right? Back then. No, it's two.

They let you type two sets. Two sets, yeah. Wow, I didn't expect that. And when I did mine, I missed it three years in a row. And they would have like Richard Belzer. I'm like, what if we had just young comedians on the young comedian's special? I would miss out and I go, Jeff Altman got him,

Jesus Christ. So I was probably 22, 23 and I kept missing it and it goes a whole year than the improv. They're gonna look again and I only got it because Brad Gray was my manager in Mark Gervitz and they were producing it finally. Fucking nepotism, yeah. And Dennis Miller was a host too.

I love love was my favorite comedian, but he also liked me and had me open for him. And so it's a lot of people's favorite kind of I don't think a lot of people know that now. Back then yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He was a killer. Killer. Yeah. I opened for one of this maybe off white special or one of those specials. Anyway, so he helped and they had to pick five people and they and I was sixth and I was like, God damn, I'm not on. And then Dennis and Brad and Garbett said, just give spades, split them up a little bit

and get spade, do six. And that's how I got on it. It was a fucking miracle because I wouldn't have got on. And so they watched that set. No, they came to improv and they knew of me because I'd done it, you know, three times and I missed the cut, but I kept getting closer, like the Hall of Famer something. I got more votes. And then that year they go, you just missed it. They picked five, but you were six. And I'm like, fuck. And so then they go, because they produced it and Dennis was on it.

Dennis, like, it's sputly. A fucking break. Cut it a minute off everyone. Give him a fucking six minutes. So they did. Wow. So we went out and did it. And then I had to do two good sets. So they put it on. We all got about the same amount. I guess. David Bowie in the audience of all really crazy things. Yeah. I think he knew Dennis. You have a good set. Had a good set. It's always nice when someone like that's in the audience and you have a good set. And then he was like comedy fan nice. And I kept seeing him in your Bobcat. I had Matt Damon once. Oh, like a guy.

And I didn't know he was like, you know what I mean? And he was like, he goes, thank you. I go, thank you for what you just did. I was like, well, that was a weird way to say a good set. But like, I've also had, and you know, you're just PC Anderson, I just fucking bombed. Oh yeah. So hard in front of them. And then he goes, I'm angry at you. Yeah. I'm not thanking you. I'm not thanking you. By the way, he lives out here. Who does?

PT. He lives here. He and Maya live pretty close to right here. Really? In this mystery location. Yeah. Okay. Well, give him a call, man. Tell him to come over. They could. He's a fucking stud. And Maya is hilarious. Maya and I think overlapped her. She was there when I hosted. Anyway, we're jumping around, but I auditioned with Schneider. They saw the young comedians,

and said, give me the heat. It's all heat in this biz, folks. You gotta have a little fucking nudge. By the way, HBO specials were big back then, because it was only network and HBO pretty much. HBO was the mountaintops. Maybe each channel, maybe MTV, but for specials. Yeah. And this was, you know, they had the running danger fields, which was better. Yeah. Yeah. But that was like one hour specials. There was four a year.

Oh, and when I got my early one hour special is probably it took till after SNL Because I had to get an hour together and now that's a great special and then I get to thank you And then I got that probably during just shoot me the next show I did and and then that was so fun because a lot of people So because of what we're saying is like it was the only game in town like you watch a special the one H.p. Or any Murphy head one and Billy ChristmasE.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E I wanted to do it right and you know, it wasn't and plus there was no huge demand. They weren't calling me to do it all the time. So when I went out with one, Netflix was just starting to do them. And they didn't call back immediately and Comedy Central did and I said just take that one.

They want it more. And honestly, it wasn't that much money. It was just like, I just want to do one. But it has commercials and they only air once in full at midnight. Yeah. So now I'm doing an Netflix special. I'm like, I just want to do that fucking set again because no one really saw it. You know, I fucking, it drives you bananas and I'm going to go, now that's in the garbage.

I go, I'm not really from the school of throw your whole set in the garbage. When do you shoot the new one? I don't know when this airs, but today is 2018. So I will be doing it in 2022. And I think it airs in probably April. Oh, it's your reshot, though. No, I'm doing it in two weeks. Oh, you are.

Yeah. Where am I? And I haven't done it in Minneapolis. And you've been touring? Minneapolis is the best company. I've heard it's good. It was in Austin. Is that where you live? It was in Austin. Is that what you live?

It was in Austin. Buh-buh-buh. Austin, that's where I'm, buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-b Yeah, we're doing a Paramount. Paramount, Jr. Paramount, Jr. next to you. Yeah, actually there is a lot of the air next to it. Now it's Paramount. I played it once during the Moon Valley special. Yeah, yeah, that thing. And it was great. So I'm going back there. That was the special.

And with all the high jinks of masks and mandates, Austin said no. Yeah. All right, let's have dinner. I'll take you to dinner. I'll be out there. We'll be no. Yeah. All right, let's have dinner. I'll take you to dinner. I'll be out there. We'd be there.

Yeah, oh yeah, okay. That'd be fun. And then I do that. And then I go to Omaha week later. And then Minneapolis. But I never feel like I'm fucking ready. How are you like this? Dude, it's always kind of terrifying.

And by the way, my last one for Comedy Central, we go, we're scouting locations and I go, oh, we did it at a theater here, but it was like music box theater, which was Henry Fonder or something theater. By the 101, kind of a scuzzy area. And I'm like, when it wasn't set up with theater seats, it was blank where they just cram people in,

the food fighters are doing a surprise show. So it's holds about you know 800 but they jam it on like just they put chairs in and the stage the only problem with the stage is about four feet up for the bands. It's too high. It's here and they're putting a chair right here to watch me and I go I don't mind this place it's kind of cool little a little balcony, but I want the stage lower, so I'm like, more relatable and they go, hey, we do anything you want. You point to it, we do it.

I go, okay, so I come that day, I go, hey, the stage is still five feet high, they go, yeah, I didn't move. I go, the one fucking thing I ask, no one mentions it, no one says, hey, remember the one thing of everything was fucking riding on? So I'm up there going,

hey guys, and then the crowd staring at me straight up. They're looking up your nose. And it wasn't a comedy club and it wasn't a theater. It was sort of a fucking hell commino. You know what I mean? It wasn't a truck, it wasn't a car. Do you know the place you're doing in Minneapolis? I think it's a good theater.

It's like, they have more? No, no, they have a state theater. Oh, that was Seattle. Or film. It's on my website if one of these clowns was to fucking stop gold right now. I was taking 15 minutes, but you're like, oh, the pentages. That's what you're doing. Is that something? That's great. Yeah.

Yeah, it's gonna be great. But you know, we didn't even say I'm doing my special there. Should we say that? I don't know. We can take it out. No, we don't say it when I'm there. Like we don't say, hey, we're doing a special screen, you know, whatever. Oh, you're not saying that you're taping. Yeah, I don't know why I said it. I don't know, we can take it out. No, we don't say it when I'm there. Like, we don't say, hey, we're doing a special screen, you know, whatever. Oh, you're not saying that you're taping? Yeah, I don't know why I said I.

I don't know. Yeah, that always helps. People think it would help right? Because people, ooh, I want to be part of that, right? Of course, yeah. We do my fucking shit show there. Yeah, we're pretty funny though. I did the Seattle Day of the Night and the Mortheory.

That's what I was thinking of. Fantastic. Old theater, great, good crowd, oh scared. Because there's riots there, 20 fires a day, all time in the whole city. That's what I think when I go there, and then I go, where's the riots? And they go, oh, they're over there. What is that third street that is like chaotic, and it's just terrifying. People spray paint like fuck you on the buildings.

Yeah, and they're like, don't mind that. And then Portland too, they go, I walk out of my hotel and I go, I wouldn't walk left. I go, God damn it, is this it? Everything's bored up, Apple store is fucking far away. I don't know how many people need a man now. Wait, so I wanna go back to, please tell me, cause I always imagine this has to be

one of the most amazing moments, or maybe looking back on it, when you get a because I always imagine this has to be one of the most amazing moments, or maybe looking back on it, when you get a call that you guys know. So that was, he fly us out to catch a rising star, which was an old cool club. I don't even know if it's still there. Catch? You've heard of Catch. Yeah, New York. Is it still there?

I don't know. I think so. Cool club. I knew Sandler a little bit from the valley where he'd stand up. I knew Judd, Appetau, Drake say there was a good buddy. I don't know if he ever saw his stuff. He was the way he's great. Yeah, one of my-

He was on the special. Well, yeah, and one of my friends with like new him and showed me all this tape of him. Oh, him. And it was like dark, but like fighting jokes. Fucking really funny jokes. Any road for television, I think, too? Yeah.

He wrote that, um, cartoonity called Sammy about my deadbeat dad a long time ago, which was too rough for network TV. Yeah. Uh, but Drake was great. So Drake was on, no, it's just me, Rob, we got a call to go to New York after a showcase and Tom Kenny. Poor Tom Kenny, I always tell the story. He's a great comic, his San Francisco guy killed a land on his feet hard with fucking

SpongeBob. So he's fine. Oh yeah. He does the voice of SpongeBob. Oh yeah, that worked out. So he worked out. But, you know, Dennis Miller right before I walked up, he goes, paid, because you know, how terrifying you're gonna catch, it's not full anyway.

Yeah. This way why 15 people are, and then here comes a contingent of 20. Lauren, Dennis Miller, some writers, some, you know, random SNL people, talent. I'm just fucking shitting, and I'm like, Schneider, come on.

We gotta do 20. So I go up, I'm first, I do 12, and I get off, because I'm not doing it. Sick I go up, I'm first, I do 12 and I get off because I'm not doing it. Sickning. Like, you just go, it's like my special idea for Comedy Central, the first minute I was getting to this, sorry I'm jumping around, but I was getting to it

because it wasn't really a club and the gross feeling of doing your, you can read a crowd so fast. There's no buzz and I'm walking out, there's no shadows, like fun, there's no music. I walk out and the first joke does okay, and I'm like, this is gonna be a hard set. God damn it.

Because you know on the road, you're like, tough crowd, tough shit, you know, I'm getting paid to this. I'll plow through, I might be able to get them toward the end and wear them down. And this was like, you are shitting me. My special is a tough crowd. I know. These are my fucking fans.

Jesus Christ. So the first special I did was a papered room, right? Oh, you papered it? Okay. I mean, like I couldn't sell the tickets. It was in Minneapolis actually, and it was a small theater where they usually do like, ballet and like, so when I, I'd done all your ballet

for 150 or 200 shows leading up to it, but not as a ticket seller. And I fucking was, but I was in comedy clubs. Yeah. And like the sets would go, what, the worst set of those 200 shows was the taping. Which is the taping. Yeah, for sure. And it's so you want to say I'm better.

And people go, it was good. You know, like, if you would compare it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They don't know like first show, second show, you go, the first one's better. But combining the two, you can usually get a decent set. And if you have to pepper it with laughs, it's so gross. I go, you guys, I'm gonna look away at what you do this.

I'm gonna walk out front, give me a look. And then they look and they put in like, oh, you're kidding me. That joke has never done that good. So embarrassing. And the people watching were like, what the fuck dude? It's like the Arsenio crowd,

I, ah! Throwing bodies in the air. Ah! So here I am in SNL re-bombing. It's sort of a pattern. I'm just kicking myself upstairs. I just keep getting hired. So I, back then it was okay to be white.

And I was like, this is great news. And a Schneider, I did 12, didn't, you know, and then didn't do well got off. But I'd say right before I walked on Dennis, I go, hey man, this is scary, you guys say, hey man, he's always so cool, you know. By the way, you don't wanna kill two hards. Throws a red flag.

And I'm like, okay, I'm going on in three minutes. Don't do good or do good. Spudley, it's just, you don't wanna be a polished fucking road hack. And I get it now, like, they were just looking at my writing of my jokes. And so I wanted to kill, but the truth is, they just liked sort of the wording

and the stuff that you would look at now. You know, when you see someone like Tom, if you're watching, if we go in the back of the comedy store and you watch, you can tell if someone's good in two jokes, it's like name that tune, you go, that first one you go, oh, and then you go, let's see if it's a fluke. Yeah. And then they do a second one. You go, okay,

there's some game. Yeah. And even if they don't work, which they sometimes don't, right? You go, that's good. Yeah. That's good. And that's just takes years of watching and doing it. And you can see somebody just destroy and you can be like, horrible. Yeah. By the way, I saw as a bash and I'm not putting them in the end of the destroy is bad. I'm saying I was at the store and I was just walking out and he came on and I never seen him. So I just stopped.

Like you do all the time and he's like, oh, I haven't seen this guy. And I was, I stayed, I kept going. I started laughing. I'm like, have I never seen this fucking guy? And I was killing and just doing his regular shit, but I was going, this guy's great. Then I went to see him another night.

I go, oh, he's on. I got to go in there and watch him. So that happens. You know, you see someone. So they watched us. They thought Rob and I wrote well. And Tom, Kenny did 20 and he did great. And I think we got that call.

We were staying at the Omni Berkshire where they put you up. But I think we got it at catch because I think we were to pay phone. And then they called and said, hey, a Schneider was on the phone. And he said, we got it, any hung up. So I didn't get on the phone. What?

I'm re-melding. I'm re-melding. He'll be, yeah. It was Bernie Burlstein and Brad Gray and Gervis. They were managers and they go, I think I'd be like, can I get my call too? I know, I go, what's going on? He's like, uh-huh, uh-huh.

You don't say, you don't say, who was it? They didn't say. So he goes, looks like we got it, it's great, we're writer performers. I go, oh no, what does that mean? Is that what Chevy Chase was like, fuck, I don't wanna be a writer. I wanna just be the Jamba Naya,

yada, da, da, da, da. Ah, my Yankee doodle, you know, I don't want to be a writer. I want to just be the jambane, the yada, da, da, da, da. Ah, my Yankee doodle, you know, I go, I have charisma like her. And so, I said, she wasn't a writer as far as I remember. I'm gonna read that. She wasn't, you know, that you're confirming. She wasn't a writer.

She definitely wasn't. So, she just did stuff that was good. But, you know, so I said, what am I writing? And they go, there's four more shows this year they want us to come watch one and then start. Fucking already shitting. I go, what the fuck am I gonna do?

Write? And that's why I went in and, and Schneider and I were buddies, you know, we went in there and did. You gotta have a buddy, I'm assuming how much that helps when you're fine But it'd be the worst but you go in and they go and Jim Downey uses a legendary great writer Not just because he has a is rep is good because it's real like I saw it every day He's very good and he just learned a lot and he goes in and they give you a no pad yellow

Lego pad there's no computers And you just get a wood desk and you go on you guys share this office and then that's it and they go there's a writing meeting one and We came in at one the next day and no one comes until five Look like a good fucking assholes like pledges and then they have the money meeting and they go the host I think that first week was maybe Corbin Bernson or Yeah, I think my first four before the summer. Corbin Bernson, it's good warm up. Alec Baldwin, he wanted Emmy for that one. So that was a great one to get. This is

before he was shooting everyone. Yeah, everyone. So know. It's unfortunate. It's killed a lot of people. He's him, Garth Brooks a lot. Garth Brooks has? I think so. Mr. Rumor. That's the rumor. Um, uh,

I can't even, I'm just spinning that I even said that. Okay, so, Alec Bonham was fucking great. By the way, when you say he's great, is that one of those things when you look back where you could tell that first meeting, you're like, this would be good.

Did he shoot someone? No, but. No, I'm kidding. Yes. Now I could tell that first meeting that he was, he had a star quality that you hear about and I was like, God damn, black hair grease back, blue eyes, black turn.

He just did a hunt for a October. This is the trick, dude, they just screened it for us, we come from the screening into the meeting. And I'm like, that's a black guy from my memory. And he's a badass, he's like, listen, he just got up, we got up, we got a nuke, this shit out of him. And he's so cool, and he's in there, just relaxed, movie star, and he's not really,

an old school movie star, he's very new, but he's very cool and confident. Nice to every writer, loved the right, went in every room, you know, they coast walks and you pitch him your fake ideas, because no one's really ready. And then he goes around with the writers, he goes to dinner.

Actually, Monday, he just leaves. And then you can write if you want. No one does for some reason. And then Tuesday, you come in and you're just stressed all the way till Wednesday, you read through. You write write all the way through and you also don't have a computer So I write until four in the morning then I didn't finish I go home sleep to ours write a little more and then drive back in a cab Handed into the madman girls a type it In the computer and put it in script format and then drive home and sleep when I went and then drive back

You couldn't email anything and damn. Yeah, it's fucking work. Hear that, kids? No work is. Do you get it? You don't get it. They would be like, it's stressful. So they go, oh, we'll change the whole system. Yeah.

Oh, I didn't know it was stressful. You know what was stressful? Every fucking job I had in my life. I like kids go, I hate my job. I was in TikTok. They're like, we, I hate my job, I said in TikTok, they're like, we're quitting. Do you hate your jobs? Your boss mean?

Yeah. I got bad news. Every boss is, boss is our mean. And they don't ask me on my day, what's happening? I don't know. You think Lauren was like, David, come here, sit on my knee. Do you seem stressed? Because you haven't been on 15 shows in a row.

He doesn't give a fuck. He goes, you're weak, leave. It's just the way it was. And it's, I feel like it should be that way a little bit. Yeah. Wait, wait, who also, who was the worst that you feel comfortable saying? Like a host? Yes, host. Yeah. Well, I'll tell you, first of all, first for Alec, and then I think the third one was dice. Oh, who, I got to think it was that early dice was so famous famous you're selling out the garden which never happened.

That was the one. I mean, guys like you sell out the garden. No, I don't. No, you just did four shows of the fucking rhyming. Is that a lie? No. Does that make me feel bad? No.

Cause I felt bad. No, in Seattle though. I did the rhyming and I told him I got, I did the rhyming and it went pretty good. But you were in Seattle at the more. Yeah. I was at the Paramount, which is the bigger theater and I did five there. I wanted to do more at the more you fucking asshole.

I don't like to work that hard, Tom. No, I don't either. God damn. Works hard. I just didn't know you were allowed to do five. Yeah, but they still let you sometimes. No, they told me we sold out at the very last minute. So that's good.

So anyway, it's not even about selling out an adrichment. I hope it's not. No, I'm more of a novelty. So I got on the Fragonelles and now anyway, the host were always... The best host for the ones just up for anything. Just Alec again, Tom Hanks, there's a bunch that just said, hey, let's do it. And it's fun because, you know,

this Dana Carvey podcast we threw together is to be on it, this is our criterion. Oh yeah, I'm a fly. It's a day with spade and Dana Carvey, you should see it. Very little listen to it. There's no video yet because it's going to be good. It's actually you have to crank it like it is. Put the horn up. No, they say those are good, though, to just a listen. I guess I don't even know. Great. You're the podcast world. I don't know. I just know I want to do. I'm glad you're doing it and Dana and I would have dinner

And I go he's so fun to talk to and he doesn't do much kind of fun and then we know so many SNL people from Riders so we said let's just kind of have an SNL slant doesn't have to be for sure But if you're writer a music act a Host or a Performer and that's most of the town. Yeah. Because everyone's done something, or audition. So they come over to the house. And you guys.

They don't. I just do it like this on my Zoom at my house. We're also all that's unbelievable, like the way we all don't know how to do it. And then Dan had to zoom in his house. You know, until Kelvets over. It's, you know what? COVID, there's some downside to it.

And I didn't think that the first year. No. No one did. And now I'm like, have you had it? I just got the new Dodge Omnicron. Yeah. Buh-buh-buh-bits, buh-bits! Bits, bits, Kyron.

You have been subjected to bits. Oh, fuck. I have had COVID and because I'm so fucking HR tough and stuff, I didn't go down for the count. But I did do it and I had to do a fucking test to do something on Kimmel and I had done 50 on my show. I mean I just do it all the time. So they go, you have to get a fucking swab for you to towel.

So I do it, go to the plane, go there, and then you get it. I'm like, yeah. It's just so tough. It sucks, dude. I know the crowd. Wait, wait, wait. I was gonna tell the crowd during the show and then I spaced.

Anyway, we all got it, literally every person. And it's a lesson to them, it's their fault. It's their fault. In a weird way. Why? There was someone, I'm forget it. But anyway, that's not why we're here fault. In a weird way. Yeah. Why? There was someone, I'm forget it. But anyway, that's not why we're here.

We're going to make fun of Bert. I thought that was a whole... I was kind of hoping you'd do it more. I know. Well, I did see the YouTube and I was... I have to say. When he took a sip of coffee, it was like a car chase for that YouTube. It was like, oh, he's like, hey, Bert.

Hey Tom. Did you drive here today? Yeah. Yeah, actually my wife, Trumel. Took a sip. I'm like, okay, something's happening. Here we go. We're into it.

But you had a guy do Morgan Freeman. He was good. That guy. Yeah. I love impressions. We gotta get a machete out of you. I'm the biggest fucking fool. I love impressions. We got to get a shot out of it. I'm the biggest fucking fool. I love impressions. Dana doesn't every episode you start doing him. We had we had

some good jobs and sorry. Is that his name? Yes, his name. Yes, good. He was good. And then then he stopped being on. It was bad again. Just trying to recall my head. It was bad, bad, bad. He came on, then he went off, and then, bzzz, fucking, these two dial tones. bzzz. I can't even say what straight fate.

No, it's good because I like that you're not trying. And that's an angle. I've done that. Yeah. I've sort of met. I like that you're not trying. And that's an angle. I've done that. I've sort of, I'm the king of it. You're like, you two aren't trying and then it pays off. It's literally if a kid goes, you know what? I'm just gonna walk down the street and see if I find a million dollars.

And then they do. And that's what you guys did. You go, holy shit. We got a million dollars. It worked, man. Fuck. It doesn't always. Oh yeah. It's true.

It's called draft kings. Yeah. So listen, no, you guys are always funny. And you were going to be on Lights out in the old days. Yes. We had your lovely wife. Yeah. Very funny.

And we had Bert who was always energetic and fun. But it was always a scheduling thing. I know. I wanted to do it. I took no offense. I just said all these comedians that we like, we love to come on and the works it works and I think you probably would have come on. If I would have fun. That's definitely what it is. It's actually a hard show to do for me. Every day. Yeah. Talk about hard. Fuck you. Get up. You go in.unt you know it's emails all the way in like here's a subject

Here's a good get in hour long meeting of Just so it looks easy I just remember to something didn't you was your sketch also Bye bye bye. I fucking love that fucking Spadoodle. Yeah Fred Wolf and I wrote that the best thing about that too is that I was at the age where We would just get because I said you were like my era So you get to school on Monday, and it's just like it's you that I was at the age where we would just get, cause I said you were like my era. So you get to school on Monday, and it's just like, it's you who-

Oh, and everyone says, bye bye. Well, it's like you and your crew, it's like we're funny. So we were, we were basically redo bits. I did that in high school too. Yeah, and it was just, but yeah, bye bye was a- Bye bye was a fucking scam, because- And then it was like, bye, all different.

And bye bye, yeah, and then people would do it after that. And I swear to God, so SNL back then was, you know, I wish I had Monday on my Yahoo News, they showed this SNL sketch, we're so funny this week. And it stays alive that way. You know, if you don't watch it, you go, that's pretty funny.

And- That's how I see any of them now. Exactly. You're not really probably up that late watching and maybe not. But you get to see them and you sort of get to feel what's going on the show. And it's always the best sketch. So you go, this is good. And so when we did it, if you missed S now, you had to wait six months for rerun. And so you had to watch it or VCR it. And then, and so that was it. And so if you, but like watching motivational speaker or watching Chippendales or watching any great sketch,

you're just in the side of the Namasteelite and you go, fuck that was a good one. We're sound like new and crazy spoonhead or something. Like a fuck, you just go, that's a killer. Saw it, a re-through it killed, saw it, or so killed. And as advertising, fucking crushes again. And then you just go buy your business

and you just don't know, because there's no internet, you know, Instagram, there's no feedback. It's totally different. And then you go, I hope that one worked. And then it takes time and it works, you know, people like what they like. But bubbi was one where we did it with Helen Hunt.

And it was sort of like once you got the joke and the concept of it, we just writing, and it was a good cast piece. Say, here comes Sandler, here comes Farley, and it's shit on everybody as they walk out, and we would all afternoon rehearse, so we all liked it. And then the next day on American Flying Home, they're like, bye, bye, bye, bye.

And then literally at least 10 years, every time I flew someone said it. Yeah. And to this day, it's also a brilliant, it's a brilliant, it's a simple concept as a pitch, but you're giving, there's jokes where you give the audience the formula,

like, hey, you go, you can do the joke too. Yeah, it's true. It's like one of those jokes where, if you can do it at home, you can do it at home and then if you see anybody, you can go, I'm, bye. I'm, bye.

Yeah, all, bye, bye. De-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de- And then if you see anybody you can go up by and all by so like every time you leave a flight you do it? Yeah, cuz they and then my my buddies wife worked for Americans. You know now they show it in our training to say this is our Perception we have to change it So they show the whole sketch and then they go we can't be like this and then Delta did it So now I hear all the all the ins and outs of Flight to the Zil and believe me to this day. You go on the back, they take a picture, they give you whatever you want, I get an extra two ounce water. They give you whatever they can. What do you need? They're always nice, I love it.

Even when I flew to that Seattle show, Bobby Meehmot is my opener and we fly together, we have a great time. And we were on the... I just got to take the earliest flight because I can't miss the show and so many are canceling. Yeah. And Fred Hens, I was like, thank you for coming. You know, thank you for just showing up. And the guys like, I know, I could have called and said, I mean, I do have COVID. I'm not calling and said, I go, thank you.

I appreciate it. It's really good to live. Is that work, that it? Yeah. BIT! You have been bitten. You haven't told me though. Who was the shitty?

Who was the shitty? There was, you know, there's a couple of go-tos. I heard them say in the newer days, Paracelton was taught. I heard that. I heard Bieber was taught, and I like Bieber. I've seen him out. He's very...

I like Bieber too. Conscientious. Like, he seems... I didn't know with him one night. Mostly because of Sandler, but we saw him in an award show, and he's like, you guys want to go eat? And, uh, all right. I mean, I was like, let's go.

You fucking know what I want to see Bieber, and see what he's all about. Very nice kid, and... It's been through a lot. Come on. Yeah, you know like, let's go. You're fucking, I wanna see Bieber and see what he's all about. Very nice kid and. It's been through a lot. Come on. You know what, insane. Went through the thug life for a little bit, you know, the tats and the fucking craziness. But he got married.

I think he was trying to like, just turn into the skid and just go fuck. Be married. He's a bit of a Bible thumper, which I think is nice. You know, yeah, I've heard that. And you too, right? You're always like Lord of the Cross.

I think it's saying the cross. I mean, in a way, yeah. Yeah. No, I am. I and you too right. You're always like Lord of the cross. I mean in a way, yeah No, I am I am very spiritual are you people wouldn't think that but I am you are spiritual I think I have to be yeah, I can't make it through this fucking life. I keep looking at the camera So glued it like Cindy Brady You ever Cindy Brady froze up no the Brady bunch they put on a show and she was like, is they go, don't let the cameras, and she's like, no problem.

Then the cameras, they actually go, she got hypnotized and they go, you fucked it all up, Cindy. Did you ever hear, or were you there for Segal? I know, I keep not saying Segal. What? I have said Segal and then I felt bad. Why?

Because the terrible hurt, he has no, he has no like squad backing him up. I feel like I'm his only guy. He does have the KGB. They fucking like him. First of all, he's terrifying. Second of all, I might have been warned not to die. No, I didn't.

No, I didn't. But I tell the story and I said his name and then it got picked up and now it's hard to get away from. But I will say he, I thought he was cool. I've seen the movies, you know, you watched him, you loved it. Yeah. When I was a kid, yeah. Mark for death, I was just,

I always have boobs in him which is great. You know, he always fucks somebody up. I fuck shit out. All what I wanted to do in life I was always getting picked on yeah, and I just wanted to grab some hand and break it backwards casually and then Staggs and then fuck his wife whatever they do. I mean, I don't want to give the whole movie but There was a bunch of those and then There's one a ship. What was that one?

Under siege cake. Yeah, I'm just usually fucked all the sailors. Let's do it. You know, whatever. Every movie he fucked all the, whatever. Whatever's peppered around. Workers.

And then he came on, but he's because I don't want to do too many corny things. And you know, at S&L, you have to sort of with the punches. And everyone means well, we're the greatest writing staff looking back and performers and it's not like real. I always met when someone's like, I don't really, no one's like snarky about it. They're like, oh, cool, like whatever. Well, we go, you know, Lauren, it takes Lauren, it takes Jim Downey, it takes people to go in there

and say, you know, you just have to try to trust us that no one, it doesn't help us to make you look bad. We, that would be a one shot table. We wouldn one, it doesn't help us to make you look bad. We, that would be a one shot table. We wouldn't get the publicist to get the fucking stars on it. You can't shit on your guest every time and then no one will come on. So with him, I think it was just the monologue was kung fu fighting and he had to sing it. And he goes, I'll talk it.

And we're like, it's funny that you go, hey, you know, there was little Jack Chad from the little time. Hi, here comes a big boss, where let's get it on. And you're into, and you're into a brand new trick. It's such a, by the way, the song is great, just on the side note. And so he goes, I don't want to do that. And we're like, but kung fu fighting, just the idea of someone says that you don't even know what the mile long is, you go, oh, that sounds funny. Yeah. That he's doing it. And if you just sort of corn ball it up,

and we're like a gee, and, oh, the fuck would I do that? We're like, well, that's gonna be an uphill battle. It's stupid. You know, it's stupid, as you're gonna look, and we'll put like a fake fucking two by four, and you go, yeah. Chop. And he goes, but I could kill everyone in this building.

I'm like, we know, we know. But it was sort of like that where he understood, but he just, he didn't want to not be cool and I get that. But I have to say, I'd like to have him around that week and I hate to say it, but it was kind of cool. Dude, walk around and just a badass and then, you know, so I said he was a bad host and then I felt guilty. But there was a lot that just meant well and just didn't click.

It's one take, if you have more than one take, you would do better. I've started to see like the reception, it's just something we're like, hi, welcome. And it would hear some like, oh fuck, start over. And in your dinner and live show, you go, hey, and it's going and you're like, god damn, there's just no going back. And you don't get that first live show you go, hey, and it's going and you're like, god damn, there's just no going back and you don't get that first laugh

and you go fuck, we started on the wrong foot, just go back. Because in a movie, you do it as much as you want. Sure. And if you could just get two takes, that show would be better. There's that, I love, I mean, I don't want to see it all the time, but I do love, I used to love

when I watched it more when you can see that someone's really trying not to break. And there's that one with you and Farley, and I think Sandler's sitting next to you, and he's doing, you know, like the van guy. Oh yeah. He's being like, so you can tell, I'm sure, in my head I'm watching, I go,

he dialed this up for the, yeah, for the, and you're, you are breaking, you're like, yeah, there's one with Christine Applegate where I'm for sure laughing, yeah, but it was really Do not laugh right like get fired right so you did not want to and it made it worse because he was doing tricks at a rehearsal We'd seen him do motivational speaker because he would just do it on the opposite it didn't get on right away So you would go way. So you would go, yeah, get, get, get, get, get, get. All right. I even didn't grab you and shake you. And then he goes, I hear your

house. Oh, can do me. But he would do just different versions of it. We're so funny. And so you don't know which one's coming. Yeah. And then he goes, dude, I'm gonna try to make you laugh. And he would like, get close and just bump your head. And you, what the fuck are you doing? Like in the middle of the live show, or when he gets tired of doing the, he crosses eyes. So he's like this so they can't see.

Right. You go. But, will Ferrell do that to me once we were doing it? Seem when I hosted and he had a cap on like from the army, you know, like I was Canadian Mounty Handling and he goes, you be yelling back at me boy, and I go, no sir, and he goes, dude, where is that? I go, what the fuck?

Like, hits me in the face with that hat, and I'm like, but it sort of throws you, which is the fun. Yeah. So, but Farley was obviously just really fun to see and do all that shit. So when he did on the air show, I think he was doing someone's belt or he is Just doing his stupid shit and it would crack us all up and so Well, you know in rehearsal Dana. I remember one time ill-cantory. I didn't ask Dana this But there's one on Italian restaurant where they're all trying to fuck Chris Diallie They're all the way all the way to Sicily

Oh, yeah, I think it's like Phil heart, and it goes way over the top. Yeah, they all come over and dry hump her. Yeah, start licking her face. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, in the sense, just like, don't do this. And they're like, yeah, we'll see what happens after we do it. You can only do so much.

But those are fun, and we'll talk to all those people. It's fun on the podcast, because you just say, hey, remember this sketch. Sure. And then there's like five minutes there, remember about some Nielins in that sketch. I was the in Elkhanthorough, that was Nielin. We talked to Nielin on his show, on his episode.

I basically just repeated his old jokes too. Because, and he said the other one where he goes, I always botched him. He goes, I was putting a lobster in a pot the other day. And you know, that's a live animal. And I said to myself, this is wrong. I can't do this. This should live a free life.

So you know what I did? I got my car, I went out to the woods, I let him go. Because you gotta do the right thing in life. And the crowd goes like this. He say woods. You're supposed to put him in a pocket ocean. So he has so many of those, and he's funny, stupid. And like in the, in like, we go on, we want to walk.

Like you go, you pass by people and he's like, hey, there you are. And he'll go like the next group you go, he goes, oh, they're looking for you. And he's like, what? And he always catches the bar. And it's just for you oh they're looking for you. And he's like, what? And he always catches the record. Yeah, it's just for you. It's just for you. He does do a, we were on the lights out and there was all these, you know, like plants thing.

And at the corner she goes, are you gonna eat this out? And then like that does look like a salad. And, but then he just looks away. And stairs off and I go, that was pretty good, got it, damn it. I'm sitting here for 100 shows I never noticed. And then the next person came out and I go, you gonna eat that salad?

They're like, can you off me? I have to do it now. Oh, shit. Oh, fuck. Were you in, because this was like, it was, I so idolized you guys. Were you in Farley Fast Friends? Like, was it like right away?

It was pretty quick, yeah. It was that Omni Berkshire that I've been plugging that I work for now. I have to tag. I don't even know if it's still there. It was, the old SNL said, like the Hi-It Tweet, they showed like a promo. Sure. In the old days, I thought it was so cool. This was the one they put us up at me and Schneider.

And I remember going, Schneider, did you have soup? He goes, yeah, I go, it's fucking nine bucks for soup. He goes, so what, they're paying. I go, you know Lauren's gonna see that. So I thought we'd get fired. For ordering soup? Yeah, because they put us up and you'd eat. We had like, I don't know how much money to spend, but all I was thinking was getting fired, soup. Yeah, because they put us up and they let us and you'd eat they we had like I don't know how much money to spend but all I was thinking was getting fired

everything. Yeah. So the first day I walked over I heard they hired so I did my four shows we went away for the summer got hired back so we had to get an apartment come back and then they said they hired Chris Rock and Chris Farley. They had auditions over the summer you were at O. They auditioned in Chicago and you know Rock was I think Brooklyn or whatever. Sandler, they have good stories about that. Chris Rock has good audition stories. He said Dana Gould did better than him. So he left. After his audition, he left because I didn't get it. And he got it. And so I go there and then I'm walking out and I see Farley So we want to walk over he goes. Yeah, so we just walked over and laughed and talked and then we got there and it was sort of We're all new in this together and he's like

Because we knew Dana Carvee was gonna be there and Mike Myers and And all the big stars Phil Harman was a great former Neal was there and also you don't realize that Conan O'Brien is a great writer. And you're going to go compete in a weird way against Greg Daniels who did the office. You know, these are great fucking writers. Smigel. And so there's so many good ones in Fred Wolfe and Jim Downey and so Franken. So I'm doing a sketch. And does everyone want it to be in? Does all the writers want mine to get in and then theirs is out?

You know, you forget that. Yeah. So everyone's trying to be in their great geysin' room but you can't really pull too hard. Right. And so a reader, if your sketch starts bombing bomb everyone's glad to step out on that one Oh, this one's not the one everyone loves Okay, because there's 44 you read yeah, and maybe

11 12 get picked and probably eight make it right so it's got to be especially gutting though to be one if you make it to the 12 And you're like oh it's sickening right and then it then it doesn't make it too. Yeah, you're at rehearsal. You set it up, you direct it, you do everything. Childs, I don't know how to do. What kind of table would they have in the receptionist? I go, I just do table. I'm just thinking of the jokes. I don't know.

Would it be like more of a Z gallery? Would it be all glass? I'm like, are you fucking kidding me? This is what a director does. I go, oh, I can never do this. Just fucking rack my brain with this stupid shit that when the sketch bombs, no one goes, good table.

Yeah. You know, nail bat. One thing I'm working for it. Couldn't get the comedy part of it. Is that restoration hardware? Resto. So anyway, I do it and then you get to dress. Dress is eight o'clock with a full audience,

exactly the same they film it, full makeup. So you're sort of doing this twice, like doing two shows a night, which I hate. And that's why I don't do sold out shows every night. So I go, I do the first rehearsal, I get off, and then you're in the hunt on my head, all the zyak gavs, some of you know, I'll shoot on. And they go in a room and decide the show, and they come out at 11 and tell you. So the show is at 11.30. So you're on the whole weekend.

11 door opens and Dennis Miller walks out of you. You can take the fake beard off, but didn't make it. I'm like, I mean, all my makeup and eyebrows and fucking. Like, in fact, my dress room, now I'm not in the show at all. So I have to call everyone, I'm not in, don't stay up, don't stay up. And then the sickeningest is the live show. Things are fattening with laughs. And I'm walking

on the hallway running and they go, gap girls is cut. You just collapse on the carpet like flatoon. Because the show went too long. I think Anna Gastar was telling us that there was one that was, you know, like a five minute sketch. It was going long ago. We're going to cut it and they go, nope, get out there, Anna get out there and then they go, okay, starting to just, hi, welcome, they go like this.

And she goes, welcome to the show. We don't have time. She said something like, it wasn't even a minute. She just did it and just had to get out. show. We don't have time. She said something like, it wasn't even a minute. She just did it and just had to get out. Wow. And then they just cut. And then they go, dude, I mean, it's good nights.

Yeah. And then I'd run up there. Hey, stand next to him. Well, stand next to him, whoever. There's a lot of big hugs. I stay in the back. I try not to be too gross about it. You feel like when you watch that you're like,

oh, that would be like a cool experience. The sign off thing. Until you go to hug someone they look the other way. Really? And everyone watches. On camera. And they're like, yeah. I just stand there back there with Adam or sometimes we just go.

That cool, because it was too embarrassing. Because the host will eventually make it to you or the music. Yeah. It's always better to go for the music first. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a little tip for you. Yeah, okay. Is that your checkbook?

Yeah. Oh, it's a phone. Yeah. I have an old man phone. What do I get for this? This? I get $1500. Okay.

Yeah. Actually, don't make it out to me. Make it out to, um... You have a corp? Yeah. You have a funny corp name? We can cut it. Yeah. Actually, I need a name for my special go. You know what mine's called?

We can cut this. But it's called. Shut the fuck up. It's where. Dude. All I heard was, now I can't use it. It is in the, as I'm on the way to the trademark office, wait, that's hysterical.

God damn it. Do you have one? What's it called? Yeah. No, it's not. Well, okay. You can't. I have a few, but that one.

How many do you have? And do you sell them online? Do I? Do I? Your specials and do you sell them online? Do I? You're specials. Do I sell them online? Do you sell them online, or do you like a Netflix special? I've done Netflix specials. I own one thing, 100% an audio thing, an album.

And then I own the audio of one Netflix special that was right before they got smart. And we're like, oh, come on. How did you worm that? Yeah, now they're like, no, yeah, I can't even Give you any audio anymore. Yeah, I'm maybe Netflix abominable Actually, I think it's such a fucking rip. I was like god damn they go We're gonna air once at midnight. I go the fuck's watching that and then we have commercials

You have to make another edit that's 44 minutes. Yeah, oh, suck. So I go, they don't see the whole thing once and I got to burn that material. Yeah, it sucks. Get fucked. Wait, I got to ask you this too before I'm so mad I'm going to forget things.

Cause I imagine this has to be so scary. And that is you took a shot at Eddie Murphy, famously, and a joke, Eddie Murphy, famously. Mistake and a joke, but he called you. Yeah. Yeah. Wasn't that terrifying? Oh, it's fucking, I get diarrhea thinking about it

because I was spraying the walls all of Christrock because I was with Christrock. When he called? Yeah. Oh, Christrock is my rider, die buddy for years. And even to this day, we still talk all the time. You know, these guys are like, one of the funniest to talk to you when comics aren't being funny.

They just say things that are just clever and funny while they're telling something serious. He's just one of those guys, but we were just, I was in the writing, the quick stories, I did a joke about him, stupid, but you know whatever. I thought it was kind of safe, I didn't know because he always did it, you know. And I didn't give a fuck really because I was trying to get on the show. They kept saying they might fire me. So I'm like, and then when I did Hollywood Minute, Lauren goes, funny. It's all a took.

Yeah. Dad liked it. Yeah. Then a week later, I would go chunks of five shows I wouldn't even on anything and he goes maybe Hollywood minute this week Come on Yeah, are you asking me to do something on the show that you're gonna probably put on? Do it again and then Odin Kirk would help me write it Bob Odin Kirk another fucking writer amazing another

And can you believe it and such people like who just know him from breaking bad and salt? I don't know like how it's a great writer. He's him from Breaking Bad and Salt, don't know how. He's a great writer. He's a Mr. Show. He's fun real. Really great writer. And he's a good performer. And he and Conan were supposed to be on and they weren't.

They weren't getting on. And you're like, wow, I can't believe it. But so, Odin Kerr would help me with that first holler of a minute and then did it. And then it worked and I did another one. And then I just started going, I don't give a fuck because it was kind of funny, someone that was an unknown blonde kid from Arizona

like going, hey, look, hey, hair's in the board, you fucking asshole. I mean, there's something funny about that. Obviously it doesn't matter. And I'm just like, but everyone with a mistake gets one misstep, you know what I mean? Then I get to make fun, but I try not to grind too hard. Just one quickie, MC Hammer's having trouble.

I go, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, it's over. And stuff like that, downtown Julie. That was a good one. Downtown Julie Brown, I go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, my career's in trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble. But, and we all laugh. And I never, but I never like watch the carnage

and realize my career could have trouble. Yeah. You asked me like how lucky I was. I knew I was lucky and I knew I was lucky. Tommy Boy, but Tommy was another one where you're shooting it and flying back and forth. Like right now they don't do fucking shit. Like people take months off to do movies. We're not, we were fired.

Lauren is producing Tommy Boy. We can't miss a day of work. So we fly back and forth to, seriously? Yeah. We went back and forth back and forth. So we'd miss two days, come to read through, go back, come back Friday Saturday, leave after the show, shoot Sunday. For months.

For months, yeah. Same with black sheep. Black sheep was easier. It was in the summer. Okay. But on Tommy Boy, we knew we thought it was hilarious, but we never met him. We did cone heads together. But when we finished it, and then it, it came out number one, but it wasn't like a huge hit.

It really made one time someone from Paramount goes, oh, that movie made us at least a hundred million dollars on video. I go, are you shitting me? They go, it's every, everyone that goes to the storage throws it in. And they said it again like three years ago. They go, oh, that's one of our top five of all time. I said, that's something you really want in your life. And so I didn't realize I was lucky because Blacksheep was the next summer.

And the next summer they were talking about doing a Gap Girls movie. And I just go, I think I want to take the summer off. Like, it's so hard to get a movie made. Gap Girls was so funny. That's, thank you. That was fun. That was when I wrote, that was wrote from scratch. So, dude, I will tell you before we go.

That's another big one that we would have, you know, immediately copy like on Monday. Yeah, you know. One of my favorite moments of writing is most proud moment on that show is probably layoff me, I'm starving. Oh yeah. Because that was t-shirt.

I mean, it's just like, to write it and it works perfectly. And like he says it entering like rehearsal, or he says, and you're just watching, or you're at lunch and he's like, and you're trying to incorporate all those funny things. Yeah. And then I go, why don't you pick up my fries and just grab me and he goes,

no, you'll cry. I go, no, you have to fucking kill me. But he's like a monster, you know, there's no, because he's going for the best jokes. He has to grab my neck and just to coordinate it all, it was just hard to do. And's going for the best jokes. He has to grab my neck and just to coordinate it all. It was just hard to do. And he gave me a free. And he did it so perfectly.

And someone's talking fries would fit out. Like, it was, it was me and Adore just went, oh my God. And that one worked and up. And you guys as girls is just so fucking funny. And then the girls didn't like it because they're like, there's not enough parts for girls. Yeah. And I'm like, I have a great idea.

What if we play a girl it because they're like, there's not enough parts for girls. And I'm like, I have a great idea. What if we play girl? But we were like, and the, but doing a gap girls movie was a quick thing because there was a Paramount deal and I already had two movies that were out and they were like, what about it? And I was like, I don't fucking know. And I'm wearing the Nylons and the nails and wigs

and shit in the summer. I just don't know if it was that funny for that long. But we sound like, it would have been great. But, and Schneider's like, but I just, it went away quickly. It was like, nah, I don't know. And then you realized later,

who's giving you a movie when you want at your fingertips like crazy? That is so fucking lucky. Now, it's still, luckily in Netflix, I got the wrong misce. Luckily I still do stuff and it still goes okay for me, but which I told you- It's hard. Was- Oh yeah you hit me out.

Yeah dude. Yeah that's what I thought. That's nice. Cause here's what it was. Like trailers are rough always and I think comedy trailers don't get it right. Yeah I think you watch a trailer and you're like alright like a lot of times in comedy especially big comedy. It doesn't sell it.

It just doesn't sell it, you know? So I just went to watch it like, all right, let's just try it. Yeah, let's just try it. That's kind of what people did, they go, spade in this, I don't know, let's try it. Orated R. And it was really funny, really funny.

Thank you, but I came from the get-go that grew more. And what's her name? Lauren Lapkiss. God, so good. We, I read it, and I think Sandler was like, this might be good for you. It's not you driving, you know. It's you driving it, but like, even in grownup,

Sandler wasn't the funniest one, but I liked that. I like that Jason Bateman, like Ben Stiller, like to meet the parents, he's like overwhelmed. Yeah. And I go, that's a tough move to play, and I don't do it all the time, but I can be kind of nice, and I'm just in over my head. And I said, if we have the right girl, it's all her jokes.

And then she added to them. So she was so perfect, she was an improv girl, and she would add, and we would talk. I would try to throw her stuff, but she didn't really need it. She was so good, and then Swartz was funny, and Schneider was funny. And you go through it, and every scene, I remember shooting, and halfway through, going, we still have to do the shadow thing, we saw the sharks, and this stuff was pretty funny. If we did the threesome, this might link together funny.

I don't know. You never fucking know. But the thing about that kind of movie and you playing that role is that it doesn't work if you're not playing that well. You know what I mean? If you're not playing overwhelmed and like, oh, what's happening?

It's been around me. If you don't let it happen. Yeah, which is like, as exactly, if your reactions aren't, they have to be kind of more contained and real because you have the over the top person around you. And I think comics, you know, you're like, I wanna be bigger or whatever.

But it's really funny. And steal the scene, but I'm like, on this one I can't do it, it's gotta be here. It was sort of like Tommy Boy in the way that, I had a force next to me, like Lauren was really funny. It's still the scene, but I'm like, on this one I can't do it, it's gotta be here. It was sort of like Tommy Boy in the way that I had a force next to me, like Lauren was very funny. And the more you react, it's half the battle. It's not funny unless you're reacting to their doing their show. Yeah, I'm gonna do a podcast with a drunk guy every week, you know?

Bert, yeah. Oh, I do, I'll do his watch them. Now how's the search going for a different host? Today went really well. It was an audition. Wait, wait, you got to finish. I'm super joke hot. You got to finish the Eddie story.

Oh, Eddie. You're with Chris. Eddie, I want to say Murphy. Yes, yeah. Eddie Murphy was offended by this joke that I did on Hollywood Minute. And how long did it take? It took not long.

Like the next day did it Saturday Sunday? We have off Come in Monday and they go any Murphy is calling you Any Murphy is calling the Eddie Murphy my favorite maybe of all time. Yeah raw Delirious the man come on the movies The movie is very scary. The movie is very scary. The movie is very scary. The movie is very scary.

The movie is very scary. The movie is very scary. The movie is very scary. The movie is very scary. The movie is very scary. The movie is very scary. The movie is very scary. The movie is very scary.

The movie is very scary. The movie is very scary. The movie is very scary. The movie is very scary. The movie is very scary. The movie is very scary. The movie is very scary. The movie is very scary.

The movie is very scary. The movie is very scary. The movie is very scary. The movie is very scary. The movie is very scary. The movie is very scary. The movie is very scary. The movie is very scary. The movie is very scary. The movie is very scary. The movie is very scary. No one said I wouldn't do it. No one. Right. Anywhere if he's on the phone for you, I go. Chris Rocks for eating a pair.

Eddie? I go. Would that be the real, and he goes, it's about the joke. I go, it is, he goes, there's nothing else. It could be, I go, God damn it. So I go, uh, in a meeting, even the page was like,

and then I go and eat writers room to hide and they call them there. Any Murphy on the phone? I go, can't find me. And they go, okay, and they go, they say he knows you're not in the meeting yet because the Monday meetings at six. Oh my God. And you're waiting yet because the Monday meetings at 6. Oh my God.

And you're waiting around because the host is always late. And if not, he's coming down here to talk to you from Brooklyn. Rock, I'd pick it up. So I go, God damn it. And so I go, rock, help me. So we went in the offices and I'm going to pick up this phone. You pick up that phone and listen. He goes, well, I'm going to go.

I go, just, just be witness. You can save me. You can jump in if you want. So I go, and I go, hold for Eddie, and I go, and rocks like this going. And he starts, he's going, you dumb motherfucker. It was just from the get go. I couldn't, it really like dropped my heart. I could, it was sickening.

Yeah. And I didn't, I'm not saying I didn't give in. I gave, I was overly apologetic. I wasn't trying to be tough. I wasn't really cool. I said, dude, if I could even get a word in, obviously one of my favorites of all time, it makes me sick.

This bother you won't happen again, but it was like I'm off limits. You would never, you would never job. He was going off on, I just hit a nerve. I hit a nerve and then I hung up and I saw a rock. Good job. Ten years later at this concert and he was with Eddie and he goes, you know I can't talk to you about my bed. I go, God, Eddie, he still hates you.

And this thing on, he like actively brings it up. And then by the time we, this is kind of an old story, but then I saw him and we made up. You did? Yeah, and then we went to the 40th anniversary and we talked. And he was a stud. You know, it was just one of those things that I almost hate that he has to hear this story because

Just one little blip thing. No, I know it to me. It's just like I think as a comedian You look like an over the course of your career You've said I've said so many yeah, and that you don't go like why I deeply believe in this and that's why I said Like you're just like throwing this out there because it might get a laugh Yeah, and for like one of those darts to hit and to have somebody come back at you. It was rough. And you know, before when I did my, after Hollywood Minute, when I'd go back

and host, they go do it again, there was something less interesting about someone in the business with them that's friends now. Sort of have my own career and doing stuff. It seems, because I see the other side, it's top. And I go, I see why it hurts people. These motherfuckers. It sounds so nice.

Start rapping. Okay, I said I hear him. Ha. Ha. Ha. That can't be what he means. That's not what he means. Okay.

Anyway, you were great. You did a good audition for me. Thanks, man. Yeah, would you do it again? This was blast. Yeah. First of all, I know I joke super funny, great guy. Nice man. I appreciate that you do so many things and make all this money and are so successful because it's, it gets people off their ass. Not everyone can do it. It's very hard what you do.

You've been putting a lot of work and, but it wakes people up to go breaking ground. You're doing new stuff and it's fun to watch. It's great. Thanks man. I'm a huge fan of yours. I never would have thought when I was coming to those class on Monday what like reenacting your guy's stuff. I ever meet you guys or get to talk to you. It's awesome. So thank you for coming. Well listen that 1500. I know you're gonna take what you want to do with it. I know 100 win in the set. Yeah. So you can take that off the top. Okay. And this is the, he have two sets. Yeah. I like that you bothered putting a million pictures of yourself out there.

I didn't do that. They're just fans. You're people that work here. Yeah. They're just like, I love this stuff. And this is an on and you and tell your lovely wife, is it a lot? I definitely will. And Maker, listen to this back to back. Talk about it. We did this for an hour or something

and it's gonna make a good, tight 12 minute show, I feel. I think easily. Just some light trims. Yeah, and then also $600,000, I'll get for this. God, you motherfucker. Well, I'm in the wrong business and the worst thing is I'm in the same business. Alright guys, I gotta run.

Give me a head start, I gotta fans out there. Okay. All right. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes top to swap the other, where's the shirt? Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean Here's what we call, two bears one cave