2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 133 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Bert Kreischer & Chris Distefano

Episode Date: May 16, 2022

Chris Distefano AKA Chrissy Specials joins Bert Kreischer this week fresh off of his new Netflix special "Speshy Weshy!" They discuss drinking, check in with Christina P to ask about her Netflix special Mom Genes, and side effects. Bert and Chris discuss their friendship with Tom, the early days of Joe Rogan, and old school comedy legends like Dave Attell, Colin Quinn and Jerry Seinfeld. They talk about how they got to where they are in comedy, being dads, and finding a work/life balance.

But I did the road, but I'd come home. I was a real attentive dad, yeah, started doing birth conqueror, and that's when it started getting busy for me. Yeah, so, you know, when for the first four years of the life, I was round a lot. Because how old are your girls now? I don't know.

Okay. 100% I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, you. I'm a, I'm a, you. This is an episode of Two Bears, One Cave, in the Man Cave, my house with, especially washi. Hello.

Congratulations. Thank you, baby. I don't want to turn this into a broadcast. This is a Two Bears One Cave. Yes, but congratulations. I appreciate it, man. Everyone needs to go to Netflix right now, especially washi. Maybe look, you know, I'm pretty, I realized the other day.

Oh, let me see that. Let me see that. Two bears, one cave, one. Oh, is that the background of Chris? Oh, great, great. Leave it there. Leave it there. Yeah.

I dissect specials. It's almost not fun. Yeah. I, I, you know what? I take things analytically and I'm not, I don't look like that guy. Yeah, you have your toes painted. I know. Yeah. I love the way you started your toes painted. I know. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I love the way you started your special off. Five or tenies in. Yeah, five or tenies. Yeah, well because because you know what happened was with that special is, is I, I was going to film it and just put it on YouTube because everybody kept saying no, all the networks, no, no, no, you know, hey, can I audition? No.

So I said, you know what? I'm just going to put it on on YouTube. Film just put on YouTube. And at the end of the special, I say to the people at the, I did at the Grammacy Theater in New York, I was like, this is going on YouTube. And at the end, I say, you know, fuck everybody, fuck Netflix, fuck HBO. I did on YouTube, the power that people, I'm a man of the people. But at the end, I said, but listen, Netflix, you want to buy it, your boy will sell it. And then I walk up and we kept that in the special. So all my, you know, fans or people who watch you're like, dude, that's baller that like you shit on them. And they kept it in and they, they paid you to shit on them. Yeah. Netflix is an interesting company. Yeah. By the way, uh, Christina P mom jeans. Yes, mom jeans. Uh, I believe so. Yeah. Let's, you know, since it's a two bears, let's face timer.

Let's face some. A little promo for Christina P. I'm going to see your tonight. Uh, it's trucking. Tom and I are on sale in Denver. Tom is July 15th. He's in the arena. I am in at Red Rocks and on the September 13th.

Just, you know, all around. I love you. There's love. Let's call it. I love it. Colorado and July. Nice. We think of the odds we get Christine to pee on the phone.

I hope she picks up and like, she's in black face for like a bit, but we get it on camera. I saw her promo. She did on by, it looks like an old MTV set. Oh, yeah. I didn't see it. No. I love, I love, yeah, I didn't see it now. I love I love man I love the ins and outs. I like I said I'm too analytical and that's when I when I watched your Special I love that it started that way. I love see I love to get captured I love to be a fan of things. Yeah, I love to get into it like so when the first time I met you you're you are the group of people that I

I when the first time I met you, you are the group of people that I secretly, and I say secretly, like secretly take responsibility for introducing you guys to. Like I remember, I remember it's saying you gotta have Kristi on you. You gotta have Kristi on your podcast. You were big. I mean, I remember when I came out here and did your podcast, this was 2018, 2019, I really hadn't almost nothing going on.

No real followers. My podcast had no real numbers. And then you, I came out on your pod and I did Theo's pod. And I went back to New York, landed. The pods came out. I didn't understand all of it. And then my followers doubled, tripled, everything started to begin then. So I appreciate it. You, Janice, Mark Norman, Sam Rill, all these guys that like, you know,

it's not, there's no like, I take pride in the fact that we're watching you guys blow up. Yeah. It must be how Rogan felt about like Tommy when Tommy really popped. Yes. You know, and I feel like I'm not putting myself in this. I hope as the future goes, I be in this, but kind of how it's, you know, you, Theo, Tom, Rogan, you know, Joey Diaz, you know, Ari, you know, that I hope that I'm a part of that wave. And it's like Andrew Schultz, Tim Dillon, Sam Moral, Mark Norris.

Tim Dillon, dude, I remember, I remember meeting Tim Dillon with Bobby Kelly when Bobby, and we went to a bar to to have a cigar and I remember Tim told me he doesn't drink and he's gay and I thought we have nothing in college. I'll never talk to this guy again. Yeah, and then halfway through my cigar. I'm crying laughing going who the fuck is this guy? No, Timmy is one of those guys obviously, you know, completely sober. Ken hang he can hang with you as as you're you'll hang out with you, it'll 7 a.m. Yeah. No problem at all. You guys all have such a great, you know, it's like,

you guys, your generation missed our, like, for whatever reason, you guys just have your, you guys are almost like more fearless than we are. Cause that makes sense. Well, I think because learning from you guys and watching like what you can have, if you just... No, no, no, no, no, here's what it is. You ready? No, I don't mean interrupt you guys and watching like what you can have if you know, no, no, no, no Here's what it is you ready? No, I don't mean interrupt you, but it is too bears

You guys watched here's my theory you guys watched us cornrogue and talk absolutely reckless. Yes Yeah, I'm gonna do that too Yeah, I'm gonna do that too. He just said he's actually a soldier somebody. What the fuck? Yeah, well then the thing is too, because when you guys started coming up and blowing up, all that stuff, that cancel culture stuff hasn't happened, hadn't happened. So we're like, oh, I was like, I'm just gonna do what they're doing. And then I'm doing it.

And it's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, a fucking you, but, but you know what it is. I think I think, you know, even with my special, even with the special issue, when I did it, I was like, I, you know, a lot of times comedians do a special, you know, they'll have a free audience. Oh, just coming I wanted to look filled. I was like, no, I'm going to sell tickets. I'm going to do this

as a regular show. I don't care. I said, if there's 18 people in the crowd, I'll do the special and put that out. I'm going to be real with everything real, real, real. And so that's why when I said in the beginning of the special, that was true. They were, they had some venue issues. So I was just there. I was getting very nervous. I'll be honest, and I just started crushing martinis. I mean, have you, you stopped drinking for a sec? I did stop drinking. I did stop drinking for a while. And then I started drinking a lot. And then I had to stop again. So now I've, now I've slowed it down. I'm trying to do a thing where I only have a drink once every 21 days.

I'm trying and. You're gonna be drinking tonight. I'll have a drink tonight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm just immediately abandoning it. I'll abandon it. Literally, that's all it takes. I'm like, I'm gonna do it once every 21 days,

but then if you would just like, but you want to have one drink, I'll say absolutely. You want a drink? If you don't have a drink, yes, today. Yeah, I'm gonna drink. Let's have a drink. Hey, listen, I still gonna do it once every 20, 20 days. But then if you would just like, but you want to have one drink, I'll say absolutely. You want a drink? If you'd like to drink yesterday, you don't have a drink. Let's have a drink. Hey, listen, I saw nothing. I saw nothing. Greek last night.

Hell yeah, dude, let me tell you something. The, oh, you got a good scotch or something. What do you want to drink? Can I introduce you? Yes. Here we go. This is Winston Churchill. The great one. Favorite is favorite. This is Winston Churchill. The great one.

Favorite. His favorite. This is what he'd wake up to. It's his whiskey. You wake up to. It was given to me by the guy who does the prideful goat. I should. I should.

This. He gave me this too. This was a distilled on my birth. Yes. To anyone that could beat back the Nazis. A little surprise. Trick. Is there a nice bucket here? one that could beat back the Nazis. A little some ice drink.

Is there a nice bucket here? No, yeah. The anyone. Dude, Winston Churchill was a bad mother. A bad ass dude. Winston church asked mother for a scar, too, if you want one. I've never smoked a cigar. Not once ever. I'd do it inside. It is your first time. I've never smoked a cigar and I very rarely smoke the cigarette or weed first time. I've never smoked a cigar and I very rarely smoke the cigarette or weed or anything. I've done Annables, started doing Annables a little bit recently, but I don't smoke, there's a lot of times

where I don't feel like a real guy. Like I don't still funny, that's why I like you. Right. Because you are a real guy. Like you are, you're a great basketball player, you're a physical therapist, right? It was a physical therapist and let's specify great, I was a great division three basketball player.

Hold on, so that's better than Tom Sager. Oh yeah, dude, but I will say, like when Tom Sager got injured, that's what some of the people on my team look like naturally, like just their arms and just contorted, because we're a division three athletes. The, I'm using my hands. I don't care, dude. Yeah, but that's why I like you.

And I think that's your appeal is that you are, you're obviously a man. Like if there is a fight in the club, and I think I'd feel safe next to you. Right. But at the same time, you're also the guy that would never start a fight at a fight. Zero to I would never start a fight. And and I will be honest, there's a chance I might run away from the fight if it's happening. I just might I mean, I'm saying to you now that I'd fight, but when push comes to shove literally, I may run away from the fight if it's happening. I just might, I mean, I'm saying to you now that I'd fight, but when push comes to shove literally, I may run.

It's possible. We'll give you a little one to have a show tonight. Just a little taste. Thank you, bubba. So this is Winston Churchill. This is what he'd wake up to. This is his favorite ride. Winston Churchill.

Here we go. Let's take a, let me take a sip to him. Winston Churchill quote, greatest quote of all time. Ooh, I have a, okay. You like Winston Churchill quote greatest quote of all time. Ooh, I have a, I've, okay. You like Winston Churchill because? I love Winston quote, Churchill quote. Here we go. It's literally a thing that I heard when I was in my late 20s.

Just, I love history. I love history. I love Winston Churchill. Oh, that's right. I love history too. I love history. So Winston Churchill said, and a thing that literally, I'm talking about a moment in time

that helped me, my brain chemistry change on just being accepting. He said, you know this is co-op, success is not final. Failure is not fatal. It's the courage to continue that counts. And I was like, wow, that's all I need. Wow, just continue. If you did great, you sold it to Greek last night. Congratulations, that's all I need. Wow. Just continue. If you did great, you sold at the Greek last night. Congratulations.

It's amazing. But that's not, that's not final. And if you didn't sell at the Greek last night, who cares? It doesn't matter. The bottom line is, is you got your hungover ass up into that cold plunge pool. You got into that sauna. You painted those toes and you started that podcast because you continued. Set out in the sun. Set out in the sun.

Salon rattitudes to this. Yes. You put on your, you put on your Bruno Mars hat and you came out here and you said, I'm the new Indiana Jones bitch. And yes, see failures. Not fail. It's a coach. You continue that counts. Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference. I'd like to tell that to my daughter. He, uh, he, I dude, I mean, we are guys that have two daughters. I mean, Tom has sons, right? Tom has sons. Is it Christina Paye? Hold on. Oh, that's right. I never called her. Oh, shit. Who the fuck is this? Answer it. No, I can't do it. Um, it's tanks and atra. Do you know tank? Yeah, of course. Want me to answer it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tank. Listen, hold on before before you scream any before you scream a slur like you normally

do. I'm on two bears one cave right now live with bird christry says hello. Hello, how you heard him smoking a drone 1926 number 47. It had your name on it, but I lit it. God damn it. I know I want to smoke a cigar. Yeah, fuck. I love you, tank. I love you so much. What's your favorite Winston Churchill quote?

I know you're a history guy. If you're going through hell, keep going. Yep, if you're going through hell, keep going. I love that. Winston Churchill, all right, tank. I'll sex you in a through how keep going. I love that Winston Churchill. All right, tank. I'll sex you in a little bit. Okay. Is it important?

What we have to talk about? That's true. Tank, by the way, is a guy a very good philosopher. He helps me get through a lot of time because he's like a, you know, Jack guy on steroids openly and just is like, um, is, but he taught, he's the wisdom and vision he has and the, um, kind of, uh, how much he reads and how thoughtful he is, is he really helps you out of jams. Really? Like he mentally, he's, he's a, he's stronger mentally than he is physically.

I've been trying to get him on the podcast. You hear that tank? Yeah. Yep. All right, bubs. Yeah. Thanks. That interested. All right. I'll see you later. Bye. All right. We're calling. I'm gonna call All right, I'll see you later. Bye. All right, we're calling Christina P. Good, I thought it was sunburnt. Nope. Hey, oh, we're doing an episode of Two Bears One Cave. Oh, you are high. Hey, congratulations on the new special.

When this airs, your special be streaming on Netflix. So we thought we'd do a little promo for you. You're the best. I love you so much. I love you too. You're doing a show with, look home with. Hi, I'm your husband. Especially where she is out. Especially where she's out, baby. I'm so I'm so proud of you. Congratulations.

Thank you. We did our specials at the same theater. You did the Grammacy theater. I did the Grammacy theater. Look at us. And then tonight, are you gonna do Amy Schumer's thing? Yes, I'm gonna do Amy Schumer's thing. Fuckin' it. Are we gonna have fun or what? We're gonna fucking party, bro. Hell yeah, cuz.

Fuck yeah. Hey, I'm, I'm, I'm, I just wanted to promo your special on two bears. You're my favorite. I love you so much. Hey, I loved, I loved, I was just telling them I loved your promo you did. It looked like an old MTV set where you're like, I love you so much. Hey, I love I loved I was just telling my loved your promo You did it looked like an old MTV sat we were like I love the internet. I loved it. I loved it I loved it. I wanted to be like remote control. Oh my god. It was fucking awesome. Thank you I spent a fortune it only it's got $10 million Let me tell you something the one thing the Segura family has taught me. It's okay to spend money. Yes Oh, oh you should see so the outfit that I wore on taught me, it's okay to spend money. Yes. Oh, you should see.

So the outfit that I wear on mom jeans, that outfit I'm wearing, when we invoice for it, Netflix goes, we've never spent this much on an outfit. You have to tune in just to see when I wear it. I tell you the way. That's the fortune. And then I added diamonds to it, shit. Hell yeah. That's my babe. Yeah, that's my babe We're we's Tommy with you. Where's he? Oh, he's he's somewhere like Greensboro or something. Oh my god

I leave for I leave for Kansas City tomorrow. Oh, hey, are you around 25? Yeah, yeah, okay, I'm having a birthday party. I want you guys to come and get fucking lit, bro. That's what I'm fucking talking about. I smoked so many joints last night, push. You did? I rolled four joints for myself and I smoked all of them. You did? I swear to God, I did the Greek last night.

So I got done and I got fucking wasted. You get a task, too? No, I had a great opening joke that I murdered. I'm murdered. Oh my god. What am I doing? I had a great opening joke. They were like a a the fucking the New York Giants of a security upfront all big black dudes and and I was like none of my fans are getting past these guys and then I said it's a Greek become up here the night you got to stab me in the back. Hey, let me tell you, I did the I did the region theater, the first thing I got here on Tuesday. And someone got shot right next

door. And my agent was like, there's a hostage situation next to your theater, but they're going to open up traffic and like an hour it should be fine for your guests. I'm like, that's retarded. There's police tape in front of the region when I did my show and then like a few hours later, she'll tell you how to text. I was like what the fuck is happening? Oh my god. There was one guy rushed the stage last night on my show but to give me a joint and the black guy just let him go. I go I like your discretion. Yeah. Are you becoming the pot comic? No, no, no. I had to ask the reflux. I threw up. There's a viral video that's going to be going out pretty soon. Push, push. I went out. This is a true story.

So we go out to dinner. My show gets canceled and spoke and Hamilton collapses the stage, right? So I go out to dinner. I start drinking in the morning. I go out. I drink all day. I smoke a weed. I smoke a cigar. I play disc golf. IPA is dinner, two martinis, shots of tequila, a bottle of wine, two a steak of some fish, and then an iris car bomb. And at four in the morning, I wake up and I for the first time in a very long time, I throw up aggressively. Whoa. I throw in front of my tour bus, in my underwear, at four in the morning, waking people up. If that video does not get released, I will be shocked. Yeah. And it's me at my lowest.

I think I start crying. Like, and so I had to go to the, I lost my voice totally, I had to go to a ear nose and throat guy. He gave me a couple shots and he was like, hey man, no booze, no nothing. Did you drink though? Did they put a scope down your throat? They gave me a scope, my throat.

Did you get hard? I don't want to do the scope. It's horrible. He did the scope and he found an ulcer in my throat and he was like, he was like, hey man. He was like, we're putting you on Pepsi. The one that's like really strong, and I asked it, you can't eat after six, no coffee, no alcohol.

And I was like, I was like, oh, I'm gonna have to, you gotta limit your alcohol intake. I was like, all right, give me a week. Let me get off the road and I'll do it. Here's a side effect with that, could probably put you on like a mesoprol. Well, this is like anti-astid reflux. I had it, I'd gird that a side effect of that medication

that they don't tell you,'s why old side effective in medication. You can't sneeze. You'll feel like you're good. You know, by the way, push you know me. How bad is that just my head up? I swear to God. If you obsessed about No, listen, I was on the medication and a week and a half go by two weeks and I keep feeling like I can't sneeze

I keep feeling like a like an a but it like won't chew and then I So my friend is a doctor so I called him and I was like dude I haven't sneezed in two weeks like do I have like some type of tumor? That's like paralyzing my cranial nerves like what's happening? And he genuinely said to me, he goes, I have real patients to deal with, like either sneeze or don't sneeze, you asshole. And I was like, and I couldn't deal with it.

And then I kept, I went on Quora and the ass jeeps thing and all that. And I was talking to people about this. Like I was like, handsters, like I need help. Like who hasn't sneezed? Like I looked to the internet and I, people were being like, it's got to be look to the internet and I people would be like It's got to be a side effect of medication

Got to be side effect of medication and I found I started communicating with this one guy his name was Pujvi He was from Bangladesh. He had in sneeze. He said in like two and a half years He didn't he didn't sneeze. He said two and a half years because he was saying the medication He was like it was like it's in medication he wouldn't sneeze. And then I was like, oh my God, so I stopped taking it. And now I just deal with the acid reflux because I don't want to go. It's so terrifying. I bet. I bet Anne Frank would have been like, I would have loved that medication. Police, I miss you. If you have time, come over and see the house.

I love you too. Congrats, congrats on Mom Jeans. Congrats on Mom Jeans. Have a great time tonight. Thank you. Love you. Bye, I'll see you later. I'm fucking scored with that one. Have they never seen the house?

Tom, whoo, Tom and I. So far it was that. It's a far, it was a far. It's a far, it's a far. It's a far, it's a far. It's a far, it's a far. It's a far, it's a far. It's a far, it's a far.

It's a far, it's a far, it's a far. It's a far, it's a far. It's a far, it's a far. It's a far, it's a really, I mean, obviously, Tom and I are still very close, but the Annen push were closer than me and Tom at a point. Like, she would come over and hang out with the girls all the time. Me and Tom and I were working. And push, we shared a night off. She just come over to our house. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, because they live in Texas. And yeah, we lived, we went down and spent some time with them. And that was nice. It was great to see the boys, but it kind of sucks that we're not in their life the way they were in our life because they were in our life. Oh, I'm not every night, obviously, but like,

almost like if I came home from the road, I'd call Tom. They'd come over. I'd make they were broke at the time. Like really broke. I was going to say, because you went Tom. It's not over. They were broke at the time. Like really broke. I was gonna say, because you and Tom, it's not like you guys found became friends when you guys started to blow up. You were friends when you both had nothing.

Yeah. Yeah. It's beautiful. But see, that's the thing. It's like, I always say that. Like, I don't know what, why other people like Tom. Like, I know why I like him. Like, I liked him when he had nothing.

Right. So when I see other comics liking Tom, I always like, I always go, like, I like him. Like I liked him when he had nothing. Right. So when I see other comics liking Tom, I always like, I always go, I like, I get skeptical. It's like, you know when like, when you see someone blow up, you go, you go, yeah, but I was there at ground zero. Like, I always talk about this on stage sometimes,

but like, the subtlety of Tom is the funniest thing. Right. His, if you're not, his, this sounds horrible. If you're not his best friend, you don't get the best parts of Tom. It's not the best parts. The best, the best parts of Tom are these. Like that, that's it. The Tom's, uh, knowing him as well as I do and seeing someone do something.

I remember watching someone one time going in and say, you got water, the way he said it. I went, I looked at Tom, Tom looked at me immediately and that's the fun part. You know what it's like, when you put that much into a relationship, you get those little moments, I know those are the fucking, like, he blows out his knee, he breaks his arm. We get it, uh, push.

This is like, you know what? I, and it's, I always fantasized about having a relationship the way Don Rickles and, and, and Bob, uh, Bob knew heart did. Yeah. You know, they're like best friends. Best friends are every day. Yeah. Once a day, every day, I was fantasized about that because I thought that would be cool.

And then I guess you get it. Not obviously we're not Bob Hart, Bob Hart in them. Like when they talk about their wives, so like when Tom blew out his knee and broke his arm, I called Leanne. I was, I got on the interstate. I was wait, we were day way down and by the airport, I got on the interstate and I called Leanne and I go, I said, Tom's really hurt. She was like, what happened? I said, I think you fucked up his knee and he broke his arm and a half. He goes, what?

And I said, yeah, and she goes, all right, come get me. I said, where are we going? She goes, honey, you know push isn't handling this well. And I went, really? She goes, call push. So I, three way call push. I'm in the car, I'm getting on the interstate. I go push. She goes Tom's in the ambulance. He's going to the hospital. Um, what are you doing? I said just come to the interstate. What are you doing? She goes open to bottle of wine and I went

All right, we're on our way I'm gonna see her get her. She is panicking and she goes, I made muffins. Ellie is like, make God right here. She goes, Bert, go to the, go to ride aid, get all the fucking stuff he's gonna need. Yeah. Push, let's have a glass of wine and eat some muffins. You need some muffins.

Wine and muffins. So we get Tom into his screening room, like downstairs, and room, like downstairs. And he is like this. I carry him in from his fucking little sports car, whatever. I carry him in. I get him into his thing. I lay him down and push, comes in with a glass of wine and muffins.

And then she goes, I found Nutella. So it, but it's, it's those moments like that. So I don't know out of that whole thing, I have two moments that I'll never forget with Tom. Leanne stands over him. He's laying on the thing and she goes, well, you're about to get fat as fuck. And Tom just looks at me like,

who the, my wife is a brutal fucking. But the other favorite, and he just looks at me and I fucking fall out laughing. The other one is we get him in the medical transport. The next day I come back down, should he just spend the night there? I come back down, get him medical transport. We got him in the thing. Thomas and Arm, leg like this, Arm like this in a wheelchair, strapped into a van where the guy has been smoking very clearly a lot. He's long hair. The windows are down. It's COVID. He's not, he's like, he's got a mask on, but it's blowing everywhere. Tom sitting, I'm sitting next to him in a jump seat and the guy goes,

so what do you guys do for a living? And I go, we're comedians and Tom just glairs at me. He goes, and I go, he goes, oh, yeah, I go, Tom, tell him a joke. Those are like, like when you, like when you invested a friendship, those are the moments that Like when you invested a friendship, those are the moments that yeah, and I think that's why your guys Pod does so well because it's not like you know Somebody just put you two together because they think we make money. It's just like a genuine thing It's like the money comes second. That's what Oprah Winfrey always says the money comes second the passions first and the money second And it's just literally I mean you guys are just it's just your friendship on display Which is an amazing time to live in,

because I feel like if this was 20 years ago, this friendship would just stay behind closed doors, and that would be no good. Yeah. You know, because it helps, it helps other, you know, like, you guys, it's never anything really serious. It's always silly, all the clips you guys post are just, it's like an awesome thing.

And I only met Tom when he had already, you know, started to become Tom. So I, so we, tell me about your experience with Tom. Okay, so I never met Tom when he had already started to become Tom. So, I, so we, tell me about your experience with Tom. Okay, so I never met, I didn't only, I, I had saw the only, Tom I think was already on his, maybe second Netflix special when I started comedy, you know, so, really?

So, yeah, yeah. So, I, he, what you guys were already both like on your way, like all those moments of the, you know, I, I was doing open mics or not even knowing anything yet. So I started to know. So what year did you start comedy? Like 2010. For real?

Yeah. Oh wow. So you guys, you weren't at the level right now, but you were already like moving up. So 2010, I'm trying to think how old was I? It was 12 years ago? 12 years ago, yeah. That's 30s.

Okay. So I was still working a travel channel. We was 12 years ago. 12 years ago. Yeah. Okay. So I was still working a travel channel. We were just probably just started doing Rogan. Yeah. And Tom, but Rogan wasn't at that level. Uh-huh. And that was the fun time of like when nobody was listening to it. And everyone was broke.

Rogan's the only one with money. Yeah. He was like, it was like, oh, that was fucking fun, right? Yeah. And so when was the first time you were a member seeing Tom? So I remember seeing Tom as he came in on opian Anthony to New York. He came in and I was like, I would be on opian Anthony once in a while. And he came on in opian Anthony and I remember him coming in and like just being like,

like really funny and like really dark comedy. And he just fit in because there was a lot of comics that I would come see maybe from LA or whatever they would come and they would just try to be too funny or try to make what do you mean open and they were you doing open Anthony yeah I was like one of the I wasn't like a regular but I they would give me like as a you know no name unknown comic like one shot yeah among or something like really one of those times I was on with Sagu. And I remember being like, oh, I'd seen, because Netflix wasn't even a big thing.

Yeah, like when Netflix, I remember he said, he sold his things to Netflix. And I said, I didn't know what it was. I go, do you want to come on my podcast promote it? And he went, no. And I went, why? And he goes, eh, it's kind of just on there. Yeah.

He's like, people find it. It doesn't matter. Yeah. And I went, really? And he goes, yeah, People find it. It doesn't matter. Yeah. And I went really and he goes, yeah, they find it. And I didn't realize it was a big, I didn't realize that was, Netflix was a big deal until he said Mike Tyson watched it. He's like, I was on a plane. Mike Tyson came up and was like, hey man, I saw you on Netflix.

Yeah. He was like, what the fuck is Netflix? Yeah. And then I remember Bill Burr had a special. It was a black and white one. It was one of my favorite specials. Um, and I watched it on YouTube. Yeah.

And someone said, man, your fucking bill, it's on Netflix. I was like, the fuck is Netflix? Yeah. And my wife's like, oh, honey, we have Netflix. I watch it all the time. I'm watching dot, dot, dot. And I went in and I turned on Tom's special in our bedroom

on Netflix and I went, yeah. And then I saw all the ones that I was like, and it was like, yeah, and I went in and I turned on Tom's special in our bedroom on Netflix and I went, yeah. And then I saw all the ones that I was like and it was like, yeah. And I was like, wait, I don't even know some of these people. Yeah. And I was like, oh, this is, and then it was like Bill Burr Tom's girl, Bill Burr Tom's girl. Yeah. Yeah.

I think with Tom, what I liked about Tom when I first met him that time is like he was so funny and dark, but also like humble. He was the only guy who's so that I remember he does. There's no way even he remembers this because at that point time is like, he was so funny and dark, but also like humble. He was the only guy that I remember. He does, there's no way even he remembers this because at that point, he had already had the Netflix specialist, he was already, that was like, that was like, he was the invited guest. He was a big deal already headlining, selling out,

maybe was even doing a theater in New York at that time. I don't know, but he was like, I said, oh, I'm Chris and I was like, oh yeah, I'm still doing open mics or whatever like that. And he was like, he was like, and he goes, he goes, keep going, how long have you been doing it? And then ask me follow up questions.

And I was like, oh well, normally, I know now. Even if somebody said to me, I was an open mic, I was like, oh, great, knock it out of the park, don't give up, whatever. But it's like, you don't ask questions to them. But Tom was just like, ask me follow up follow up questions like, oh, that's funny. That's good. I've done that room.

Like, he gave me like, like, probably a minute, but that of his time, but that felt like an hour of his time. And I was like, wow, he was really nice to me. And then I remember watching him like slowly blow up with everything. And what I vividly remember is how bad Tom used to look on the covers of his first and second Netflix specials and then I had in scene them and then all of a sudden he came up on the third special and I was like, who was this Latin man on my screen? And then I said, is that Tom to grow the only person who's had a worse who's

looked literally the how good Tom looks versus how bad he looked is I think the widest gap, the only guy who comes close to that is Nate Bargazze. When you look at how absolutely atrocious Nate looked amazing because of how handsome Nate is, I mean, literally Nate Bargazze used to look like a fat woman 10 years ago. He looked like a fat lesbian and now he looks

like a handsome Republican. I'm gonna put a deck list or something. And now he looks like a handsome Republican. I'm a big dickless or something. Blub ugly Nate Bargazzi. Ugly Nate Bargazzi went from literally like, like he looked like a fat lesbian Democrat. To now he looks like a skinny Republican rich man. Oh fat Nate Bargazzi. And Tom is in that realm where that was the most shocking thing was I was like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look at how great Tom's the girl looks I mean look at old Nate put it. I mean there's pictures of Nate fucking horrible dude He look yeah, he look like a disease and but but and I'm saying that he does look sick actually He looks sick because now he's incredibly handsome Nate Bargazin like incredibly handsome There's even crazier pictures of me like a puppet. Yes, look at this look at this picture down here I mean look at this dude look at this he looks like fucking he looks like Jared the subway guy if he was fat Wow, he is amazingly unattractive amazing and now looking how handsome they this look at And say what really good look and look at dude look at that dude. He looks like Tick-N-Taro in that picture

Really good looking. And look at it. Dude, look at that dude. He looks like Tignitaro in that picture. He does. And then pull up Tom. And then all Tom, you know, I'm sure you guys are spoken about this, but the all Tom Segura covers. And that's why I love that him and Christina

and Pius relationship. I mean, this guy look like, like if you would have told me, look, there's an old picture of Tom. Maybe there's one, I think it's his first love. Yeah, this, if you would have told me, hey, this guy here is gonna live past 40. I'd be like you lie Now look at how handsome Tom is he's got like gray hair. This one. Look at this one. Good at that one right there. Good at that one. Yeah. Yeah, dude I mean, yeah, just nothing and now Tom look at it now look at Tom looks phenomenal. Yeah, now I look like that one

Yeah, no bird you've always looked like bird. I look like bird. I yeah, I look like that one. Yeah, no, Bert, you've always looked like Bert. I look like Bert. You've looked like Bert, even at Bert the Conqueror, you always, you still look, you just look, you look like Bert. The, it's not a radical shift. I mean, dude, look at that picture with the Leipzig, I mean, Tom genuinely, he looks like a fat Mormon.

Oh my God, he looks like he sells houses. Exactly, he looks like he sells houses. He looks like one of these guys that he sells houses and then like he gets involved in like some type of like gay sexual assault thing in his local community. That doesn't even look like a double ex. I look very triple ex. Yeah, no, no.

And the juxtaposition between how rap, like how insane the answer. And what a good dresser he is. What a good dresser both you guys are. Well, I'm not. You would never see that. He's a, he is into fashion. No, no, it's, it's incredible.

And that's one thing I, I, I like the shocking about Tom is how great he is in fashion. And just where, you know, where he came from, look at that. I mean, dude, look at that. Yeah. He also looks like he's different. Like there he looks like he literally, if you told me, Hey, if you just cut Christina P out and you took his glass and you said, Hey, that was one of the 9-11 high jackers. I believe you. Is Tom looks like a 9-11 high jacker. He got so much better looking. It's sad. He didn't match up his best looking moments with 20 out of hair. Right. He looks better without hair in a weird way. No, I'm not. Is that him or his, I'm sorry. This guy over here on the right. On the right.

Is that him? That got. Yeah. That's Tom. That's Tom. Well, in that picture, I mean, in that picture, he looks. Wow, dude. He looks like that picture.

He looks like if Chris DeLia gained like 150 pounds. That's what he looks like in that picture. Oh, the way to the right. Yeah. Yeah. No, but see like this is a beautiful picture. Tom and Joe Rogan, you know, when everybody was like, you're in, they probably told him, I'm sure how many people, I would love to know, talk to Tom,

how many people told them he was an idiot for starting a podcast and an idiot for going on Netflix. Who, Tom or Joe, I'm sure the Tom both of them. I'm sure how many people told them that. Well, Joe is, Joe is a, Joe is a freight train of Joe, meaning he does Joe and he sees Joe. And his advice is, this is how I'd do it. It's not like, sometimes my advice for people is like,

I see what you're doing, this is how I'd do it if I were you. Joe's like, and Joe at that time was, hey man, start a podcast. And everyone's like, don't your managers and agents. It's a reason no one's managers or an agent are involved in our podcast. Is it literally, Joe is the first one going, start a podcast.

This is an extension of social media. This is, you need to do this. These people are listening. Joe knew his numbers. He knew they were doubling Every fucking week. They were doubling doubling doubling and then we knew the pops we were getting like we did I Remember doing broke in the first day and I went on Twitter. I had six thousand followers from the livestream

Wow like six thousand new followers was with red band. I was, do with the fuck. I remember Redban called Joey Diaz and Joey Diaz was on speaker phone and I said, and I said, I was like, I feel like I was eavesdropping. And I was like, hi, Joey Diaz, it's Bert Kreiser. And Joey is like, what's up, you bad motherfucker? I just saw you on that fucking livestream. It's a great fucking story, Cox, like a,

I was like, holy shit. It was like, those were like, I mean, not to, Monday they'll do a documentary about it. Of course. Yeah, it's, it's one of those things too. I think with, with Joe Rogan too, is, is he has capitalized in, for entertainment and comedy, every era like the hot thing

in that era, he excelled at the sitcom with the news radio. Then the reality show was, you know, sitcom was the 90s. He did that. Then the 2000s was reality show fear factor, the biggest one, then the 2010s to present podcasts, biggest one. So that's something that when I watch show, Rogan, I'm like, oh, he's very good at adapting to because I think in anything, right, and entertainment and life and whatever jobs you have to adapt to the next thing.

I'll tell you, I'm going to say this and I hope this doesn't come off odd and I hope everyone can appreciate it. No. And Joe, Joe's success speaks on his, no one's ever going to question what got Joe Rogan to wear his today. It's Joe Rogan. Sure. But you know, you got to, you got to give a tab of credit to Brian Redban. Yeah, because Brian Redban is different than Joe. They're very, very different human beings. But Joe would have big ideas, like start a podcast. And Redban would go, let's get it done. He would buy all the equipment.

And obviously, Joe is the spirit, Joe is the reason. I don't, I don't mean you obviously, there's no way anyone's gonna take away is gonna be like, oh, Joe everything, oh, it's everything to Redban, he doesn't. Right. But Redban was like, Redban is, you know, is very integral to that whole,

this whole thing we're talking about. Yeah. If Redban hadn't, and this sounds crazy, this is a fucking stupid statement. But if Redban had told Joe, it was a bad idea. Joe probably would have still done it. But the fact that Redban went and got all the equipment, set it up in Joe's house.

And Redban said, come on, we got, and knew how to do it. And figured out how to do it. And got on you stream and got on all those things. That is a very large portion of the equation that often, I don't think is appreciated by. I didn't even know that. So that's something really, yeah, I didn't. I mean, I know I know who RedBan is, but I didn't. I didn't know really any of that. I just even started just as a listener to podcasting just really a couple of years ago because I was like, you know, I got into it.

So I was one of those people where like I didn't, you know, even I'm in comedy, I didn't really consume comedy, like, you know, Mark Norman and Sam Moral, like, I, like, like they should write a book on comedy. There was, you know, comedy nerds, comedy savants. I'm just not, wasn't like that. I didn't watch much comedy growing up. I just didn't do it.

And I started doing comedy. It's like a defense mechanism because I like miss my dad. That's why I did comedy. That's genuinely why I did it. I would create up stories to like my dad would like listen to me. So I would I would I would like do that. And so when I came from all this like, you know, getting into you know, be Anthony guy, right? I was, but I only again, I never listened to it ever. I just started getting on the show. I didn't know how it's turned. I really, I was one of those guys. I don't even know the classic comedy movies that you have to see, and I've seen almost none of them.

And it's just like, I don't know why that is, but I'm just trying to trust my instinct to be like, well, maybe that's somehow working out for me because maybe my voice sounds a little different. I don't know, but I'm just like, I'm just like, if I have to list to it or watch it, I'll do it, but like with the Red Band stuff, yeah, I didn't know like any of that.

So like for me to hear that is like, oh wow, that's cool because there's always people behind the scenes that, you know. Dude, Red Band, Red, not to go to into the weeds on this, but like Red Band was a fucking, I mean, still is. I mean, he's not dead, but like, he was a very like, he would pick you up. Like, for me, he'd pick me up, because you know what, I knew he knew I'd drink.

We'd drive out the Joe's, we'd bullshit. Sometimes, and I'm sure you can find these episodes, I'm sure they're out there. Sometimes, if you were walking into Joe's life, this wasn't like the podcast like it is now. You were walking into Joe's life. You went into his house. His kids were running around. Yeah. His wife was there. He'd make you a green shake in his kitchen. Yeah. Is, I mean,

I mean, you, it, it, it, it's hard to explain to anyone, but it's not what it is today. So sometimes, Joe would be in a bad mood. He would never do that now. You would never see that now. You can find this episode. I'm sure you can find this episode. Yeah. He was in a bad mood and he was... And all the time, he just was taking it out on Red Band. And I was just sitting in a room with Joe and Red Band fighting for three hours.

It's an accident to say it. And it was like, but Red Band was... And this is all you can giggle about it. Obviously, Red Bam sometimes was so fucking distracting. I remember Joe saying to him in this podcast, do you know people are listening to this, right? And Brian's like, yeah, and he's like, well, stop saying that.

You're wasting people's time. And I'm just sitting between them going, it was team of my own. Yeah, you know, I know. Red Bam is my ride home, but it's Joe's podcast. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, Red Bam was like a really fun. It was a really fun.

See, like, and I feel like I want to meet Red man. I've never met him. I've never even been on Rogan's podcast. You know, like I've only met Rogan's podcast. I've only met Rogan one time my whole life. So my God, you were fucking murder on Rogan's podcast. I hope to get on. I think, I think, I think Joe had told me

that I was gonna come on. He texted me, he gave me a date. I haven't heard from him since then, but hopefully everyone's told me are he should fear and was like, if he gave you a date, it's a date. He's going to text you a few days before. Just go book your flight. What's your date? You know, May 23rd. Oh, for real Monday, May 23rd is when he said, but he haven't heard from him, but I booked a flight to Austin and booked a show there the next day, May 24th at the Vulcan. May 23rd. But I'll be there May 23rd. I'm going to be in Austin whether it be, whether I show up or not.

Yeah, I'm on May 18th. Okay. Yeah. So if Rogan text you. Yeah. Rogan's like, I think every, I'm not mistaken. No one's to deal this from him. Every Sunday he sits down and maps his day out, but if it goes in his counters, he is not,

he is not a flake at all. He is a, he is a, I wish I could delegate the way he does. I don't think he does himself. He is a like, hey man, I have so many great Rogan stories. I mean, I have so many great Rogan stories. I have so many great Rogan stories. I have so many great like, I have so many that I can't tell, but I have so many that are just like, like, well, because he's been your friend for like a genuine friend for what, 15 years?

Yeah, probably. Yeah. So I'm saying, so it's like a real, it's not even about the podcast. It's like, this is just a person in your life. It's, it's, it's a, it's like, I mean, I can't even, you know, it's, it's funny. It's the things that, the things that upset people about Joe, it's the same thing about Tom, the things that upset people about Joe, the things I like about Joe, they make me giggle. Right. Cause I know Joe, you just know, I just know him. And I, and I, and so like, like his, to text threads that you get in with Joe. Yeah, they're fucking hilarious. Hilarious. Yeah. And then and then you know what's going to make the things that make me like I think

I'm such a large I'm such a large personality that I live out loud and they're more quiet dudes. Yeah. That the things that I know that I do that I that I can't really share like yesterday. I bought an AK't really share. I guess we have on an AK-47. And I texted Joe and Tom and Ari. I was like, I woke up, realized I'm on an AK-47 last night. And they're like, they're like fucking, Ari goes, I want to shit on you. This is the most part thing you've ever done. It's amazing. You know, we're doing fully loaded festival. And I got a I got a I got a Maskop made of myself

And they're like of course you did but like those It's funny, you know, I get a murder on Rogan. I can't wait. I'm excited to go because you know I feel a little bit of just a little bit of a sense of I don't say pride But it it comes me a little bit when I you know, I'm having a career that, you know, it's moving up and so on and so real tickets now. The theater's not at your guys' level yet, but I feel like I feel like for the first time in my career, I am controlling my fate. It's not like, oh, God, I hope I get this. Hope this happens. No, no, no.

I know I'm cultivating my audience and we're growing together just like you guys did, little by little. And I feel it happening. And I'm like, I did it all with no, no TV, no corporate and no Rogan, which, which, you know, is hard. It's hard because I felt like, you know, all my peers that got on Rogan, granted, it's not a magic bullet.

You have to do well and crush on my friends that got huge off Rogan, deserved to be huge off Rogan. You don't have to do well, because Shane Gillis was maybe one of the most hilariously bad Rogan episodes I've ever seen. He leaned into it. It was so enjoyably bad. It was, and by the way, this says like a diehard Rogan fan.

Diehard best friend. Yeah. And, and no, I've known Shane Gillis for like fucking 12 years. Yeah. So like, it was so enjoyable. So funny. It's so funny. My favorite thing on Rogan is watching someone throw a joke.

Sodor was on the other day, right? And he says something about, I wish I could get the exact clip. I'm gonna let's call Sodor and see if he remembers it. He's still in Canada. He's got COVID. Sodor is, by the way, I personally think, one of the funniest skies of my entire generation

that him through Bob Kelly. Yeah. Okay. Let's do. Let's let's let's read. Let's move this backwards. Yeah. How about no one gives because right now, you know what, Bob Kelly's hearing? What? Hey, man, I discovered all these motherfuckers. Yeah. He did. Yeah. He Bob Kelly. I met he's a godfather, man. He he you know what, dude, was such a launching pad for so much great talent. Yeah. And, and, and, and, and, and, and now all that talent, I met Soda there, I met Tim Dillon there,

I met, I met everyone doing that. I remember guest hosting, it was like a murderers lineup and I didn't know anyone. No, yeah. A guest host for, for Bob and I, I was crying laughing on the fuck are these't know anyone. No, yeah. I guess I was just for Bob and I was crying laughing. Yeah. Who the fuck are these people? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I mean, the personations and everything that they've done, I feel like, you know, those guys, like, yeah, there was all the guys that I came up with and all, and I feel like, you know, like now New York City, like it was obviously very, very clear as day. And in the comedy world, how Los Angeles, you know, for the last, whatever it is, 10 years, complete domination, you realize, like, all the guys who are doing major things here are here. And still here, it's still dominating,

but now the New York guys are starting to come back too. I feel like. Oh, New York City. Now they are starting to sell tickets, you know, shouts and Tim and myself. All those guys. New York is New York, you know, I think, I think the comedy store was a big, big, big pop.

And when COVID happened, even before, I'd say a year before COVID happened, you started noticing two years, maybe three years, two years before you started noticing, you know what happens? I wonder is if when a generation of comics go to theaters, it opens up clubs. Yes, yes.

And then those club comics, fucking destroy. New York's having a fucking moment right now. Yeah, everybody, all, yeah, and when you go to the comedy clubs, it's just, I mean, yeah, like Norman has been out here and Sam Moral and these guys, and it's just like they're, yeah, like Norman has been out here and Sam Moral and these guys and it's just like they're killing at the Hollywood improv and a talent because because, you know, it's like our, like I would say, like, you know, like, I don't know,

the Godfather's of like the LA stuff, like, you know, for these last couple years, like, let's say, like, you know, the top guy was like a Joe Rogan and you guys and you and Tom and now talking to the young guys, well, and you were so selling so many tickets and doing so many podcasts where Mike R. Guys in New York didn't do the podcast weren't necessarily selling the tickets, but it's like Colin Quinn and David Tell are the people who speak to us. So it's like they're like comedy Jedi's. Well, those, you know what I mean? Those guys are, those guys are, I mean, I would argue, I know they're Rogan's age, but they are, they were all television royalty.

Yeah, like those, I remember hearing, I tell, we get 25 grand to fly out to LA and punch up a rare mono script. Yeah. Like, that's their generation of like old school money, Jeff Ross, David Tell, Colin Quinn. I kind of, I mean, Colin Quinn's a god to me. I mean, Colin, I just had breakfast with him this morning. And he, you know, it's like, it's the morning.

Yeah, the beautiful thing about Colin is he, out of nowhere one day, I was at the comedy seller, you know, whatever, struggling like new comic, I, they give me either, they're really early set at seven PM, which, you know, as people are walking in, or, you know, two o'clock in the morning on a Tuesday. And, you know, just kept going there, whatever, I'd see Colin. And then one day I was doing jokes about my father about being from Brooklyn. And then after this set, Colin's like, Hey,

he goes, uh, he goes, um, uh, you know, my name's Colin. I was like, yeah, obviously he goes and fuck you know how much I would have wanted this to happen in my life. He goes, let's go to our two rows, which is on, um, in, in the on in the West Village and on a house in Street of 6th Avenue. I forgot. And anywhere we go, and Colin just sits down with me and just starts like literally like ripping apart my set with constructive criticism. And he says to me, he goes, I want to work, like let's hang out. He goes, you remind me of me, like you're a young, you're from the same,

we know the same people, you have the same knacks that he was saying that he had. So he was like, let's work on that. And for like six weeks in a row, we would meet and have coffee and he would watch my set and just give me notes. And then we went to the Dublin Comedy Festival and we would go out, we would watch my set

and every morning, I remember, every morning we went to this place called the Metro in Dublin, five mornings in a row, he'd watch my set, he'd be there, tell me to meet him at the coffee shop at 830, I would always get there at like 815, he was already there since 745, with three diet coaks already, Draki loves diet coke, he always had a muffin, a blueberry muffin, or corn muffin with butter, and he had like legitimate, like executive, studio executive notes on my set, on how to make it better, and how to make my comedy better,

and this, and write that, and he told me, and I still do this to this day, he was like, you need to have a running list of all the characters in your life, because he was like, what your life is, and my personal life, he was like, you know,

with what you have in your life. And he said this to me this morning, actually, you know, between your father, between your children, between the Puerto Rican girlfriend, between your transgender, nanny. You have things that, you know, people try to create. He was like, Hollywood tries to create it, you have it organically.

So you need to keep that running list of little, not, I'm not talking about big events. Anyone can write about a big event, like, a fight fight or, you know, your 9-11 story. Those are big events. I want the minute minutia of what somebody's saying, how they move their arm, a word they use, some type of look they give you. I need you to write all that stuff down because that what takes you from here to here is the minutia.

That's all it's about is minute. You already know how to think big. He was like, you're a great storyteller. You know, he said to me, he was like, good, and he actually mentioned, wow, it's crazy that we're doing this part. I'm just thinking this now. He was like, you and Bert are great storytellers.

I was like, well, thanks. That's a nice comparison. And he was like, you guys tell big stories, but he was like, you minute details is what I think is going to separate you from your, from your boys. And I was like, amazing. And then it's, and then it's always like,

you know, and then I'm like, I'm like, oh, let's take a picture. And he's like, amazing. And then it's, and then it's always like, you know, and then I'm like, I'm like, oh, let's take a picture. And he's like, don't fuck it. He always gets me as like, I don't want to do a fucking selfie with you, a little fucking fucker. He goes, I don't want to do a selfie and giving you notes.

And then it's like funny. It's like, he come, he come, he come, and like I came in, you know, and we've been friends for years, like coming, I was wearing this outfit. He goes, you come in and fucking work out close to sit with me, Colin Quinn, goes, go upstairs and put a suit on. And I was like, you know, I was like, I was like, I was wearing this outfit he goes you coming in fucking workout close to sit with me Colin Quinn goes go upstairs and put a suit on and I was like

You know, I was like I was like up and and you know, he's one of those guys where you know, you just like you get him in little moments or like he'll text me Perfect example two years ago April 2020. I genuinely didn't know like I couldn't believe that this was happening April 2020 You know pandemic just began whatever I couldn't believe that this was happening. April 2020, you know, pandemic just began, whatever. Sitting at home, I get a call from a random New York City number. And I'm like, I don't know who that is. I had no idea who was, but I picked it up and I go,

hello, and he goes, hey, is this Chris? And I said, yeah, he goes, yeah, it's Jerry. And I was like, Jerry. And he goes, yeah, it's Jerry Seinfeld. And I was like, and I thought it was Pete Davidson doing my good Jerry Seinfeld impersonation. I was like, all right, Pete, I was like, what's going on, buddy?

And because he always changes his number, Pete. So I was like, oh, it's much between new Pete number. He goes, no, it's Jerry Seinfeld. Colin Quinn gave me your number. And I was like, oh shit, this is really Jerry Seinfeld. So I put it on speaker and he goes, you know, because Jasmine was there, my girl, and my mom was there.

And I was like, oh was there and I was like, oh my God, I was like, fucking shh, it's Jared's iPhone. And he's so like, yeah, I was like, fuck, Jared. And yeah, yeah, I know, and my daughter was like, young now, she was like three, so like, you know, they don't listen, I was like,

give her a binky. Give her a binky. She has another pacifier. She's here, I'm like, you put your bigger and a male, just suck on that. Yeah, and then. And then so Jerry goes, yeah, Colin gave me,

Colin gave me your number because he showed me some of your comedy. And he was just singing your praises and telling me that you're a guy I should really know. And Colin and I was like, really? And he goes, yeah, and he goes, you know, my kids know who you are. They saw some 9-11 clip that you did. And I said, yeah. And he goes, you know, he goes, at first, when I saw a 9-11 clip, he goes, I'll be honest,

you know, being in New York. I don't think he knew that I was from New York. You know, I told him in the conversation, but he was like, I thought this is a guy trying to make 9-11 funny, which it's not for me. I don't like that to exploit tragedies. And he goes, but I watched it. And he goes, I gotta be honest.

He goes, that's the only thing I've seen in my, you know, about anything about 9-11, that I'm like, oh, this genuinely came from just like a fun place and it actually maybe would help people heal through it, which I got a lot of messages about that, which I, that's what I'm really proud of the most with, with that bit is like, so many people is like who lost a loved one in, in from that, it was like, you know, this just helped me laugh about it. It's like, I know so and so died would laugh at this bit. And that's like sweet. But but Jerry said all like these like really, really like kind things to me and told me about all the things that he sees in me and all these nice things. But it all came from Colin telling Jerry to

do that. And he said to me at the end, Jerry, he was like, he was like, listen, take my number. He goes, you know, Colin vouched for you out of nowhere. He goes, so I respect him. He goes, text me, you know, there's probably no stage time for a while. He goes, text me, jokes. I want you to write jokes, you know, write your jokes or whatever.

And text them to me. And will like workshop stuff. And I was like, oh my God. So I was like, holy shit, crazy thing. Told Colin. I called Colin. I was like, do Jerry Seinfeld call me this whole. I like to start talking to the story goes, yeah, I know, stupid.

I told him to call you because you don't have to, I know. I was like, okay, he goes relaxed. It's fucking Jerry Seinfeld. It's not that big of a deal. I was like, okay. So, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was so funny to, I'll get to the end. But it was so I want to keep. You Jerry's time. It's not that big of a deal. I was like, okay. So, but then yeah, yeah, yeah, it was so funny to all get to the end, but it was so I want to keep taking time. I went to Collins. Collins Quinn's wedding, which is and and and and he goes like he has like on the god mic at his own wedding, like as people are walking in and he

goes, you know, welcome to my wedding. You know, it's going to get started soon. He goes, just want to make sure you guys, you know, know, if you, you know, you're looking around Jerry Seinfeld is here. So just no Jerry Seinfeld's at my wedding. And then and then Robert Kelly's father died the same week. Colin Quinn's mother died. And Colin was at the comedy seller table like a week later. And Bobby's like still actively like upset that his father passed away suddenly. And then Collins like

Collins like yeah it goes uh you know Jerry Seinfeld had a choice whose wake to choose and he chose me and then I was like you fucking fucking you know and then and then so Jerry says at the end of this call with me saying all these like nice things I was like this is fucking insane he goes um he goes um um text me any any any time run bits. I want you to do it. And then I waited a day. I mean, I had 10 bits. I was like, I wanted to say, I waited a day, texted him a bit in April of 2020. That bit has been left on red for the last two and a half years. I Was your My chance for sign fell in 24 hours I'm going to your phone because not phone because I got a new phone and I can't find those texts

But it was some wait actually maybe let me see Jerry's sign fell now I've tried this already and it's such an old phone. It never pops up. Oh, wait, hold on. Oh, shit. No, see, it doesn't pop up. I don't have, I don't have. Let's see if I have. I have. It was something. It was like some type of COVID, uh, some type of COVID bit. Um, but I forgot. Yeah, let's see if Colin Quinn answers my face time. Let's see. Well, he might be on a plane.

He's flying to San Francisco. Oh, I have a new feeling. He's not gonna. That's a great. You know, I would never, I would never, I'm not in that community of like jokes, like texting jokes or clearing jokes. Yeah, me. I'm like, I'm in, I'll call Stan Hope.

Stan hopes my go to. He's another goat. Yeah, him and I, you find your group, you know, you find your guys, like Colin Quinn is a, there's a, there's, there's my pedestal, right? Yeah. It's super simple. It's all New York guys. Yeah.

Uh, it's Colin Dave. You know, Dave, Dave Chappelle oddly enough, because he, I mean, he's, I think he's my age. I put Dave Chappelle on that pedestal. Yeah. And, and, and, and it's crazy because I, I, he just is told so many jokes that I just wish I had written.

Like, you know, like he, his structure is flawless. I'm not talking about like the, I'm, did you ever have time in New York? Like, like, like, like you lived in New York, like would go through the clubs, like you were, no, no, no, no, no, I was like, I'm living in a working comic in New York or never, technically.

Yeah, I worked the door at a club. Okay. Which club, Boston Comedy Club? Oh, nice. Yeah, I worked the door at a club. Okay. Which club? A Boston comedy club. Oh, nice. So this is gonna sound whatever it's gonna sound like. I don't even fucking know. Do you know the whole barking system? Sure, of course.

That's how I started. That's me. Yeah. That was, I created that. Really? But I can create it. Hold on, let me restart that. That was a fucking arrogant statement.

So before that, it was just guys that would bark and get money. There wasn't really, it wasn't really like, you weren't getting stage time. No, it was getting stage time. There was one guy's name is Andrew, and he was doing it to get stage time, but like Neil Brennan had done it. Yeah.

There were some people that were doing it, but Neil wasn't a comic, he was just doing it to do it. And then I came in and was like, I wanna do it and get stage time, this kinda Louis Schaefer, who was technically doing the same thing. He was doing, he was barking at stage time. There's a poster or something around here. But I met Louis Schaefer once.

It's in the man cave. It's a, it's, there's the flyer that we'd hand out. Right. The flyer was me, DC Benny, Maceo, J. Moore, Jim Norton, Jim Brewer, James Pell. I know they're legend. Yeah. And then Louis Schaeiro's in the center. That was a fun flyer you handed out.

And I said, I wanna do it to get stage time. And so in lieu of money, I think maybe I got 25 bucks a night for beer. I would get stage time and then I got a deal after doing it for like six months. I got a big development deal for Moll Smith. Really? Ironically, he doesn't get comedy the way everyone.

Yeah. But and then I moved to New York to LA for seven months and when I came back there were 12 barkers. Wow. And I was like, whoa. And everyone pulled me aside and they're like, hey, how did you get the deal? Like because that's where comedy worked back in is, if when you found a path in the forest that it looked like they had been footsteps on, next you know, everyone's on that path.

Judy gets a sticker as commercial or a Monday night football commercial and then everyone's like commercials are the thing. Jim Gaffigan, commercials are the thing. Like, so, not to say I created the parking thing, but like the craze of parking was not there when I started. As a matter of fact, Ben Bailey, Jordan Rubin, Bobby, count everyone, Pete Quaria, everyone told me not to park.

They were like, this is not how you succeeding. Can't comedy. Trust me that you need to stop what you're doing, what you're turn, you get, do open mics. Esteele, see you will put you over, yeah, just stop, do not bark, it'll ruin your career. Right. So I did that for Patrice, told me Patrice explicitly told me not to bark. Yeah. I was like, this is not how you go about this. Yeah. Moved into New York, early, seven months, came back. There's 10 people barking the fucking Boston's flooded with comics Boston barking barking. Yeah, and I'm and I'm now and by the way, I went back and I just started getting spots. Yeah, but then I I

Went to sky what literally came back got spots went to LA did a showcase went to Scotland did a thing with Patrice and boss and and this guy, Louis Schaeffer, and then move to LA. Yeah, I think, you know, like that whole system of barking sets and everything. I didn't even know that you even had a part in all that because when I started coming in 2010, that's how you start barking. I told that to the comedy club. I told that to Pete Holmes who had a movie, a TV show about a bar.

I was busted. And he was like, I didn't know that you barked. And I said, no, yeah. Like the whole thing was like, the reason barking up, I probably was because I got a deal. I got a fucking six figure deal barking. And it was like, everyone was like, how? Oh, dude, I remember Bill Burke, Greg Gerardo came up to me

and he said, he was don't tell when I'm much money made on your deal. And I was like, too late. He's like, who did you tell? I was like, Patrice. And he was like, the worst person. I said, you serious? He goes, okay. He's like, Bill Burson, you got to go over and tell S.D. of a deal. She doesn't know you have a deal.

She doesn't know what that is. But she'll know what it is, but you got to tell you you have a deal. You should start working the seller. But Joroldo was very kind to me at that time and was like, because he had gotten a deal, gotten a TV show and everyone thought my TV show was just going to go because that's the way things were at the time. And Gerardo was very like, he was, he was a, and we were both pretty high

and alcoholics. Yeah. So, but he was very, very very very sweet at the time But when I came back everyone was barking and I was like well fuck and I by the way I wasn't cleared I wasn't passed anywhere but the Boston right so I couldn't I was like I get spots at the Boston But I'm not passed to the seller. I go to the seller Mark Marin vouchers for me for no no No, no watches me. I pass at the seller and he goes, Carl asked you with your nails. It's funny if I tell the story. If you hear me tell the story in the story,

no, him has an accent for the record. And he did not have an accent. Yeah, and so how many years ago is this roughly? Pull up, can you pull up, never mind the buzz cocks with Mark Marn. Kurt Metzger and Big J. O'Courson. Kurt Metzger was his writer. Big J. O'Courson was his warm-up act.

What year was Never Mind the Buzz Cocks with Mark Marn? So there's 90, no. With Mark Marn. I was still in college. Yeah, never mind the buzz cocks. Mark Marin, VH1. What's that year? This 2002.

Wow. So I got past it the seller 2002. And I told no, I was like, you have no idea how much this means to me. This is, it was the first thing I, first thing I ever wanted was a comic, tell me that I was funny. Jim Norton, first person, tell me I was funny. Amazing.

Second thing I wanted to get past the seller and I told no, I said, if you had said this to me, six months ago, I'd be living here. I would be the happiest guy in the world. I said I'd live in LA, I'll never call them for evils. Yeah. And I was like, so you never did a spot really at the comedy center. I still, I mean, I've done like,

two, three, four spots in the cellar. Wow, yeah. But I just, I'm never in New York, I'm in New York. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, like, it's like when I'm in New York, I'm there for press. And I'm so overwhelmed with my day, kind of the last thing I want to do is spots. Of course, yeah.

And so, I've talked about, with Leanne, I've talked about spending a month in New York, moving to New York for a month, and living there and doing spots, and doing the rounds, because it's so much easier. But every time life gets out of the way, and it's like, I was just talking to my agent. It's like, I'm just at a place right now where it's like,

I feel like I'm in the white water. And I'm just like going like, do you want to take like a rest, like a real break? What's the reason why do you feel like you can't? What's the reason? I think I'm a workaholic. I don't think I know how to, we were talking about this when weaholic. I don't think I know how to, what we were talking about this when we stepped outside.

I don't think I know how to enjoy success. I don't think I know. It's really hard for me. I get moments of, moments of reprise. Is that the right word? Like this morning? Yeah. So like, my brain was like,

sell out the Greek. It's a little bit nuts and bolts, but like, clean sellouts are, I don't obsess about them. Yeah. But it's, when you sell something out clean, first of all, the money's different. It's drastically different. Of course. Yeah. But you know, but it's like for people to understand, it's, it's drastically different. And also it's, it's, it's also what I'm known for is that I'm cool with promoting. I don't have a problem. I think you're the best promoter in the game and I don't have a problem Saturating my my Instagram was promotions because I go, hey man

If you're if you're into me, you don't mind if you don't like me then don't follow me I don't give a fuck yeah, and it doesn't matter what your peers think we're not following we don't follow each other for that That's for your fans. It's free. It's free. Don't don't fucking you mute me I don't give a fuck the one when you are hiking up the mountains, classic, you know? And but I want, I wanted to ask you that. Four thousand tickets. Yeah, I'm, that's all four thousand tickets. I believe it, dude.

That's it. That's it. Yeah, because they're clad, again, my father would always tell me what you put into it is what you get out of it. You can tell how much you put into your promotion. So of course you get out of it, you know, you're not just like me sometimes, like just on my fucking toilet with my phone. It's like, that's only gonna get two comments

because you're not putting anything into it. So it's like watch and learn, put in the effort, put into it, get out of it. But I'm asking you that because, you know, I got two girls too. I mean, it doesn't matter if they're girls, but I have two children, you have two children, you know, I'm a little younger than you.

And at this point, even I feel, and I'm not even in the vicinity of you guys, yeah, you know, I have my, my Patreon does well, my podcast does well. It does well enough where like my family has a good life. And I'm starting to sell, you know, I sell like 1500 ciders, 2000 ciders. That's a level I'm at somewhere between. By the way, hang on, that's just so you're clear. That's the mountain top.

I mean, look, you can, you can do red rocks. You can do the Greek. you can do arenas, you can do ball parks, you can do, there, I mean, there's the gorge. There's always gonna be bigger. You can do four Hollywood bowls like Shepel just did. You can do the staple center, like Kevin Hart just did. You can do the fucking forum, like birded last night.

You can do all those. 12,000 seats, 12 1200 seats is the mountaintop. That's the fucking mountaintop. You sell 1200 seats in one night. You are one of the best comics in the world, in the world. That is, that is all that anyone, dude, that is the mountaintop. I appreciate it.

I'm telling you, I'm telling you from my perspective. Yeah. It's like, no, well, so I'm happy to say that because I'm feeling now, even at this, even at really my career, really only started to begin in a way that was like selling these tickets and doing these things and like for the last two years. And like, I had a weekend, I don't know what it was.

It was just like, I was in a dark place. I don't know why. It was April. April 8th and April 9th. I was April 8th and Indianapolis and April 9th and Denver. April 8th, we did very well in Indianapolis and then April 9th and Denver, you know, I sold out the Paramount Theater in Denver,

which is, you know, 1800, whatever it is. It's a big venue. And the Denver and it was amazing and all that, and you know, made good money, you know, like 1800, whatever it is. That's a big venue. And Denver and it was amazing and all that. And you know, made good money, you know, for my standards and all that. Who's your agent? Uh, Mike Berkowitz. Okay. Yeah, yeah.

And I was with UTA. They were great, but I went to Mike Berkowitz now. And, um, and I, um, I, I, I, when I got home, you know, and had money and all that money and family and all that. And I realized like what the price of everything has been for me so far is like, I've missed every single one of my daughters' swim meets. And I'm like, fuck, yeah, I just made Sick a lot of money and I'm like but I Watch I've been watching my daughter's life on like a phone And it's a little like how this is crazy is happening

It's a little like what am I doing like she's never gonna be six again, you know and I missed like tons of her life And I'm just like yeah, I make this money, but I'm like, I've watched my kids life do a fucking face time. And I'm the only dad that has been in a swimming tour and it just like killed me. Damn, fucking Winston Churchill got me so I just want like how do you do it because

oh god yeah how do I do it? I'm drinking it 10 in the morning I can't tell you it gets better. Oh fuck. I can't tell you it gets better. It's just a clip. It doesn't get better. Fuck, it doesn't get better. I felt text to me. I hope you wrote back.

Oh, mother fucker. So I just. Wow. I just, uh, yeah, I don't know how to reconcile that. And I don't know how to make it better going forward. Cause I don't want to miss their life, but I want to, yeah. I'm a good part of it, you see it. Some of us don't see it. Those too late. Yeah, like I'm starting to feel it now. Like it's like, okay, I have my 10 month old

and it's like, I can make a little bit less money and still give them the life that they want. And I'll have the time with them. But then you start to get in a mode where you're like, but I'm supposed to the opportunity is now the iron is hot now. I can get to this next level now. But what's the cost of that? Because my life, I've been trying to refrain a little bit.

I ship fine. I shit myself. No. I've been trying to refrain from like trying to not make my God money and make it balanced where I'm like, okay, you made money on that weekend, but now you get paid with your daughter's life on this weekend.

Yeah. You know, have you ever cried on the pod before? I think it's the first time I've cried on the pod. I. You know, have you ever cried on the pod before? I think it's the first time I've cried on the pod. On a pod. I cried with Todd last a couple weeks ago. What happened? Talking about being a fucking dad. Mm-hmm. Yeah, it's just one of those things where I think because I think with the podcast is why you used to have no choice as parents. You have to go out and leave your kids to make the money. But now, you know, your life, I don't know for sure, but it probably wouldn't be so radically different.

You could probably go away one weekend a month because of how lucrative what you have built here and built with Tom and you gotta build it. That's the thing. So like, but you have built here and built with Tom. You gotta build it. Like that's the thing. So like, but you're built it though. Yeah, but you gotta make sure it stands. I mean, you have a beautiful home. I know this isn't cheap and all that, but it's time in that expires.

I mean, it sounds crazy, but like, you know, we're financially fine. You know, but you know, here's the deal. I've tried to rectify this. I've felt the way you felt. Yeah. A lot. Yeah. You have no idea the, the, the, the, the core you struck with me,

because I felt like that a lot. Yeah. Like a lot. because I felt like that a lot. Yeah, like a lot. I remember being on a plane one time and I talked to a dude and I said, and I've had different versions of this. I've heard guys complain, yeah, honey, I'm flying once a week. I should be spending time with you. I want to go to the soccer game and I never,

I never coached softball. I saw my girls had a swing, they had beautiful swings. Then I watched some coach fucking up, and I wasn't there. I wasn't there to fix it, and that's heartbreaking. I'm, there are dads who have jobs harder than ours and spend less time with their kids and don't make as much money, and don't get their dreams fulfilled.

You know, we're fulfilling money. Yes. And don't get their dreams fulfilled. Yeah. You know, we're fulfilling dreams. Yes. And so the fact that you're acknowledging it, that you're seeing it this early is so fucking healthy. I didn't see it. I didn't see it. Yeah, because I realized that like, you know, definitely get drunk today. Do it. Yeah. I probably am too. Now the way I'm probably just, I have two shows tonight for the Netflix comedy festival that's paying me very well. I might just fly home immediately, not even do them. I'm just like, I just want to go see my kids.

Let me tell you the, the, I'm staying. Yeah, it's, it's,'s, you make compromises. You do make compromises and you hope that the things you give them, like, look man, they're, you gotta realize there's dads listening to this that empathize with us, but see it from a different angle. Sure.

There are dads right now listening going, hey man, I'm worried about how I'm gonna pay for her college. I wanna give her the college. Yeah. That's the thing of a being a dad is you have to set up a life so that they don't have to stress out. And they get to be the best version of themselves. Yeah.

And all the things you want for her get to happen. When she says to you, hell, I wanna go to this private school with my friends. You wanna be able to give that to them. Yeah. When they, when, and it's not, and it sounds so fucking, you don't have to, it's not your money. Yeah.

You gotta be there for them. But our job is taking us away. And I remember sitting on a plane with the dad, I was on a travel channel, dude, I, you wanna know fucking, sucking the devil's cock. I did travel channel, I was on a travel channel. Dude, you want to know fucking, sucking the devil's cock. I did travel channel, I was two weeks on, around the world, two weeks gone for two weeks.

Come home for three days, go do a weekend on the road, then go back out for travel channel for two weeks. I missed a lot. I missed your daughter's, you know, first steps, and like, I saw her first steps. I thought, well, I was luckily I was broke for their first four years. You were home with them every home, a lot, a lot.

But I did the road, but I'd come home. I was a real attentive dad, yeah, probably until when I was 37, I got travel channel, started doing birth conquer and that's when it started getting busy for me. Yeah. So, you know, when for the first four years, I was round a lot. Because how old are your girls now? I don't know. Okay.

17 to 15. Okay, so 17 and 15 though, you're at a point now where maybe they, you know, not that they don't want't want you around of course You don't want me around no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no tight. She's, I got really lucky with the end. For all the fucking shortcomings that woman has. Yeah. And there are plenty. Yeah. There are. Yeah. Plenty. But you, but you without, without her, though, no fucking idea. Yeah. Right. I got like, at times, but you're not here without her. No. Yeah. No fucking way. Yeah. I'm starting to realize that about my family now. Yeah. Even though me and my girl have issues and we're not married and all that, I actually don't have any of this even minute success compared to you guys without her.

I just don't have it. I remember sitting on a plane with a dad and I was pissing him on, I was on travel channel and I said, I said something I was complaining and he said, him and I just want you to know. I was in an Afghanistan for two years and I was like, really? And he was like, yeah, that I was complaining. And he said, hey, man, I just want you to know. I was in an Afghanistan for two years. And I was like, really? And he was like, yeah, that's my job.

I'm a see my kid for two years. So it's not that bad. And he was like, you know, this is what we do as dads is, you know, it's the little things. And I came home that I came, I didn't have a ton of money at the time. But I remember I bought them a trampoline for Christmas. And then it was like big,

I was a big purchase for us. Sure. And I came home that day and my girls jumped on the trampoline. And they were, and they were, I had a great, get it girl. Oh, I'm gonna cry. They were just playing like really free. No worries, no worries. Yeah, really free.

And they were on the trampoline and they were going, get it girl to each other. And I went out and I thought, you know, this is what you get them as freedom to be, to be like, to not have worries I mean, there's kids with worries. There's kids with like legit fucking worries. Yeah, there's kids that are like Hungry. There's like and then you and they're and there's some dads are fucking suck. Oh Really not me like gay dad's but like they don't care about the kids at all. They don't care about their kids at all Yeah, they're like some people going like you'd suck it up, be a fucking man. Who gives a fuck?

That's what you do. And then, we're sensitive dudes. We're sensitive dudes. And I think for me, I'm at a plate, because I understand there's the dad and Afghanistan and there's the dad that has to work three jobs and maybe sees their children even less.

But really, we can only do like what we can do, right? And like all that stuff is relative to us. You have your life. I have my life. Those men have their lives. I just know for me, it's been a profound thing in me recently where I'm like, I don't want to miss. There will be times where I have to because that everybody that my my dad didn't come

to every one of my basketball games and he was the best father of all time. But he came too mostly, because sometimes you just have to work, and that's what it is, but I don't want it to be every weekend anymore. And every month, it's like, I wanna plan my life, or like even if I,

knowing that it's gonna be less money, but I'm still gonna give them the life that I can give them, because I'm like, I won't get, I'll make the money, sure, but I won't get the time back, and the time is more valuable than the money.. And the time is more valuable than the money. It is.

So much more valuable than the money. I read this book, The Five Things You Must Know Before You Die by John Isl. And at the end of it, the people who are happiest, the people who are the happiest, even if they had money, all were like, I'm so happy to be surrounded by my family. None of my BMWs are here.

My family is here. And I remember like being like, wow dude, that's like a big thing. And I was like, you know, I don't know that weekend for some reason, I don't know what it was. It was probably because I was on Edibles in Denver. And sometimes that hits you. And I had an early flight.

And I was like, man, like looking at the videos of my daughter on the swim. And I was like, wow. And then I was like, man, like looking at the videos of my daughter on the swim and I was like, wow, and then I was like thinking about me. I was thinking about me and this money that I had. I'm like, oh, this gives them that. This gives them that. And I'm like, yeah, but I asked when I got home that Sunday, I was like, oh, my God. I was like, I was like, I was like, you swim last swim. You know, so much.

I was like, oh, it's great. And tell me all these things about this kid and that kid and this kid and that kid. And they all went out to eat whatever. And everybody's family was there. And then I said to her, I said, I said, let me ask you a question, Delilah. I said, next week, I said, I have to, she had a party that she had to go to

that everyone's family was going through. I said, I said, I can go to work next week. And I wanted to tell Star and see what she would genuinely say. I said, I go to work next week. And I can get said, I can go to work next week, and I wanted to test her and see what she would genuinely say. I said, I go to work next week, and I can get you, if I go to work, I can get you an American girl doll and get you another American girl doll, because she loves them. American girl doll, or if I don't go to work,

there's no American girl doll, but I'll be with you at the party, what did you rather have? And she did it even like, think about her, anything, she was like, I want you, I don't need the girl doll. And that's at six. And I was like, wow, at six, she's feeling that.

Cause she asked me, she was like, what? She was like, do you have another house that you go to on Friday, Saturdays and Sundays? And then her mom was like that. Ah! She is Puerto Rican. Yeah, mom was like that. That's a great job.

Yes, she is. She is Puerto Rican. She's already doing her mom. Yeah, she goes, do you have any other? Where are you? Friday's the Sunday. And I was like, I was like, no, I work. And she was like, because I always feel like you leave

the house Friday morning. I don't see you till Sunday night. She was like, so I thought that maybe I have another house. I want to go to the house. And I was like, yo, yo. Yeah, so I think it just been hit me. And that's why I was happy when you asked me to come on the show.

I was like, I want to ask Bird about that because I look at you and your Korean on your life and you have two daughters. I have two daughters and you're a little bit older than me. Your girls are a little bit older than my girls. And I'm like, how do you accept it and adjust to it all? It's, you know, it's tough. And I got to be honest with you. Leanne once listened to me on two bears,

and she said, you're very critical of yourself. But I am very critical. I think that's what keeps me upright is that I'm very critical. I don't look at anything as it was a home run, I look at it, and I know people probably think I do, but I always find this shortcomings last night. I know that there was a part of my set

that I kinda fucked around at the beginning. I was moving too fast. I'm very critical. Yeah, well that's set that I kind of fucked around at the beginning. I was moving too fast. I'm very critical. Yeah. Well, that's how you're good comic. That's the trait. But as a parent, I've been very critical.

I've always said I'm a shit dad. I've always said I'm a shit dad because I'm not going to sit here and tell you I'm a great dad. So those dads all suck. All the dads are like, I kill it. I kill it. They suck. They're not tuned in.

Yeah. And I got lucky with Leanne. That's number one. And number two, I think my kids got it. I think the resilience of a child is underestimated. That kid that's hungry and fucking Spanish Harlem right now, whose mom's fucking drinking and smoking crack. And the kid, that kid bounces back.

And that kid turns into a fucking CEO and that kid takes that resilience. And I think our kids, the subtle pushback they get of us going out in the road, they learn, they learn to, they find that strength. I mean, I have, how's your relationship with your daughters now? I mean, it got to be dead honest. It could not be better.

It really could not be better. It's amazing. And you're gonna go through this with your daughters. So like, we were perfect. I mean, perfect until they got their periods. When they got their periods, When they got their periods, when George got her period, it was, she shifted. No one cuddled anymore, no one sat on laps,

no one kissed good night. I could kiss top of the head or forehead. I couldn't kiss cheeks. Like I could, no kissing on the lips. I was not, I was like, yes. I let kill that when she was two. The kid was two. No, it made her uncomfortable. That's two.

That's two. You get George on the lips. And so it shifted then over the pandemic when these girls were supposed to develop into women. George, primarily, was supposed to have her first kiss and supposed to experiment with drugs and alcohol and supposed to find her independence as a 15 year old I think was when the pandemic started. So you go. Yeah. Yeah She was sitting with her fucking dad every night, and I think it made her crazy

And I and she gave me legit pushback and we had issues. We had issues We're like the only time I've ever had issues with this kid. I mean, and they then they spilled for the whole pandemic, but right now, it's George and I are like, perfect. It's amazing. Well, I was parenting wrong. I was, this is why I say, I don't really give much credit. I don't really pay too much time to cancel culture,

but the one thing I talk about is redemption. The thing I understand is redemption, and that is, you can learn from your mistakes. I'm miss parent of that child very heavily. She fucked up once and I blew up. I blew up and then I created a paradigm within which the only way she could operate was to lie to me.

Because she already knew this is where I was gonna go. I found out the truth. So why would she ever tell me the truth because this is where I was going? Why not lie? We're gonna get here anyway. Lie, get away with it. And then we had some big hiccups. And right now we are at a place, she fucked up one night.

I was on the road, by the way, this is why the road's brilliant. Fuck everything I just said. This is why being away is awesome. Yeah, she fucked up one night. I'm sorry, George and May, I love you with all my heart. But I think this is a good conversation. Yeah. I love you, baby May. I love you with all my heart. But I think this is a good conversation. Yeah, I love you, baby girl. I love you. We have life 360 on our phones. We track the girls. I'm

track to her. She's one time. I was like, you're like a psychox boyfriend. I was like, this is when I was bad dad. I was like, bitch, you don't even know what that's like. I was like, and I'm worse. You can't get rid of me. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Well, you do it in the church. You in an A meeting. Yeah. So, uh, she fucked up one night. Uh, total, whatever. Kids tough. She heard her friends say they spend the night somewhere.

They go to a boys house, they party, Leanne tracks them. Yeah. Leanne finds them. I'm getting off stage, right? Leanne calls me. No problems. I want you to know. here's where it's at.

Georgia has driven to a friend's house. A driven her, her girlfriend's to a boy's house. They've been drinking. She called me, I called her, called the mom, I busted her. She wants to spend the night there. She's got her car. She told me she's been drinking she can't drive What do we do? I said go out and pick her up

Now I'm on the road so I have distance right. I'm not in the moment. I'm not in the heat. I say Go and pick her up And have her call me in the morning. So I you know fucking have a cocktail get my bunk get a call like eight in the morning from Georgia By my her time but not mine She's like, oh fuck here. We go. This is bad dad time. Yeah, I sound so proud of you She said what as I'm so fucking proud of you She's what are you talking about I drank last night?

I said no, you did the right thing. I said you're gonna fuck fuck up. I was like, that's part of me in a kid. You're gonna fuck up. I expect you to fuck up. Yeah. But the fact that you were honest with us, I go, you didn't drink and drive, baby. That's all I can be a fuck about. Yeah.

I go, you're gonna drink. And I go, by the way, I want to drink with you one time before you go to college. Cause I gotta show you how to drink. Cause I think you're getting too fucked up. Yeah. I go, if you're a fucking fucking up this big, like, let me drink with you.

One night, we're gonna, me and you are gonna sit down. And I'm gonna show you what a bullshit feel like. Yeah. Yeah, I go if you're fucking fucking up this big like let me drink with you one night We're gonna me and you were gonna sit down and I'm gonna show you what a bus should feel like yeah What it what it feels like to be too drunk. I'm gonna get you too drunk, right? I want you to feel bad I'm like it's sick. I want you to fucking feel I want you to feel the parameters of it But I said baby. I'm so fucking proud of you. Right. I saw I tell you what I like you to do. Yeah I like you to write George is an amazing fucking writer. She's her whole life. So I'd like you to write like 500 words on what this meant to you,

like what happened? What? This whole experience has meant to you and then share it with me and your mom. And she started sobbing crying. Wow. She's like, you get me. And I was like, I totally get you.

You're me. I said, you need to journal this. You need to like process this. She was 500 words. I'm fucking sobbing crying at the end. And going like, wow. This fucking kid gets it. And after that moment, I've said to her,

I've said to her everything. Tonight she is prom. I'm flying out private tomorrow. I shouldn't share this, but I don't care. We're having a very honest spending a lot of money. I'm spending a Lot of money to flux. I can't get to Kansas City to do my show tomorrow night. Yeah, I'd have to leave today. Yeah Promise tonight. I haven't gotten to see my girls and I've seen my girls dress up in prom dresses So promise tonight. So I'm flying private. I've seen about money to see her go to prom. That's the price you pay. Yeah. And there are

dads who can't afford that and miss the problem. And just add a half to work. Yeah. Very lucky. I'm very fortunate. You know, if you want to piss a moment about all my promos, so I can fly private to Kansas City. So I can make my daughter's City. So I can make my daughters prom. So I can make my daughters prom. But the one thing I can assure you is that at this prom, she may party, she may fuck up, but we did the right thing with like, that I got really good kids in that sense and that they're honest. And I think they get to see me live in the honest life. Right. I don't have any regrets. I really don't have regrets.

And I don't know how broke of a dad you got to be. But I got to be a really broke dad. Yeah. Trust me, man. There are some fucking moments. There are moments that broke dads right now are listening. There are broke dads listening. It's hard to read a book to your kid when you don't have money, when you don't have anything going on. When you're trying to figure out what your next move is,

it's hard to sit down and be present when you're not fulfilled. Right. And there are people not fulfilled that aren't present. And that's the one thing you get as your present. Even when you get on that phone, you're present, dad. Chris, let me tell you something, man. I can't even express this enough. The fact that you're aware of what's going on is the reason that Colin Quinn fucking met you and said, I want to be your friend.

I want to help you. I appreciate it. It's a reason that when the first time I ever saw you do fucking A podcaster stand up. I went who the fuck is this guy? I got to meet him. I want to meet him Yeah, do you have something very special about you? It's a reason that your specials blowing up It's the reason you have all these good things going on. Don't lose that. I tried to stay close. I'm very candid about it I tried to stay close to the

fire inside me that keeps me excited about life. Yeah. Man, you've got it. Like that, that, that, that, I miss. I was, it wasn't until too late for me that when I was on travel, I was like, but you can't understand man, it's, it's, it's, it's, the struggle. Well, I think, I appreciate you saying those things. I think to what your daughters, I would assume, I would actually, I'm certain what they see is also you as their father, like living out his dreams. And they have the example of like,

you can be anything you wanna be in their home, which, you know, maybe they don't wanna be comics or that, but. Oh, they have no interest. So last night, for example, I said to you guys want to bring some friends to the Greek and see me perform the Greek George goes, no, I was like, are you sure? She's like, it's a school night. I was like, yeah, I know, fuck school. Yeah, she's like, dad, it's your job. Just go to work. Yeah, it's like that. It's your job.

Just go to work. Oh, shit. You're like, fuck. I was like, I was like, bitch, it's 5,500 seats. Hold on, let's be very clear. On a Thursday, motherfucker. And by the way, you're going to go to shows here. I want you to know that I was at that's, I was like, listen, motherfucker.

Yeah. Goddamn it. There's going to be alcohol there. Do you want to come down? Yeah, I mean, but, but, but but you know, like that's the thing, it's like that, I got that respect for you, but like they're now, because of you going to go after, they're not gonna think that there is a ceiling in life,

because of you, which is beautiful. It's, that's a beautiful thing. Now whatever they choose to do, I thought, I mean, mine, that was a lawyer, so I thought you could be a lawyer, and that's it. Yeah. It was like, you could be a lawyer, I could be a lawyer. Yeah. I was like, maybe, imagine you as a lawyer. I'd be a great, I'd was a lawyer, so I thought you'd be a lawyer and that's it. Yeah, it was like, you'd be a lawyer. I can be a lawyer. Yeah.

I was like, maybe I should, you was a lawyer. I'd be a great, great, great, great. You would be a fucking great lawyer. Objects in your honor. Dude, I would, Dude, you, oh my god, yeah, you defended me with no shirt on. It'd be fucking hilarious, dude. The,

yeah, you know, you're giving your daughters a life that they're, they're, they're, they're never going to be able to fully appreciate, right? Right. But like, it's, it's cool. I mean, you're, you always get to be you. You get to be you fully. Like, yeah, that's like such a gift. When your parents had you, think about your daughters. Right, right. Who they are right now. I think about Ila in Georgia. They blossom into who they get to be for real.

Right. Because there's no parameters on them and they got to see me do it. So now that's the way they live. That's why everyone should be. It's as opposed to, remember when you were a kid and I'm sure we had similar upbringing. Cause I know your dad was very different than my dad,

but like, you go to your dad's defendant, my dad. Yeah, cool. Yeah. But like you go to be yourself and they'd be like, whoa, don't be this guy. Yeah. Because they had seen certain guys in their neighborhood behave a certain way that they succeeded.

Yes. And then they were like, hey, I wanna show you how you should be. Be this guy. Yeah. That's, they're not, your kids aren't getting that. Your kids are getting,

hey, be yourself. Blossom and new people, you wanna be. Yeah. Yeah, I feel like, that's why I said about you, what I think your daughters think, because I hope that my daughters, you know, look at me where it's like,

you don't have to have to be calm, it doesn't have to be anything. But what I'm trying to show them is I've, you know, been told no, probably 90% more than I've been told yes. Most of my life has been no. I've been told no, can't do that. No from didn't get that part. No, don't get that.

No, that joke doesn't work. No, no, no. But you just continue to go, like a perseverance and I don't want them to quit. So I hope that that's what they can see for me without me even having to say that, where it's like, oh, I just keep going, keep finding a way. And that's what I want them to, at the very least, learn.

But I want to be able to simultaneously do that by like physically being there in their life. And that's why I'm like extremely motivated to try to make the podcast that I have the podcast that I'm doing The bigger thing and get a big because I'm like I can now give them the life that I want to give them from my home Or from a podcast studio very close to my home and then this way I can only go I can do the one weekend How much I was wrote I was road worker you do in these days? I just I Have one more date left on my my tour and I was out I was out pretty much Three weekends at minimum a month because I've started to do theaters

You know, so that goal of getting to the comedy clubs to I always said I want to do it be so cool to do one show Friday in a city And one show Saturday and city or two theaters shows Friday to and then boom, that's cool. And I got and I live that and it was amazing and it is amazing. Amazing. Hope it continues. But, you know, I'm realizing, but went on, you know, made the money, like, you know, all that stuff, making money, great money. And I'm like, but again, that has taken me away from my kids and I don't like the way I

feel. I don't like who I see in the mirror because of that. So I'm like, I'm not quitting, I want to keep going with comedy. I just want to balance it out better. You should have done this episode with Sugaura. He's the best at this. Fuck, he's the best at this. You know, he really is.

He's always been the best. I'm gonna love this. You know, I obviously. He's the best at this because he does, he balances. He balances really hard like everything He's well, he doesn't really you know He's always been good at that like I remember him telling off club managers when he was like Judd his first time headlining I mean I was like time when you get the fucking balls to do that? Yeah. And he's he's definitely he's having said that pull up cigarettes schedule.

I was gonna say you want to talk about all tour. Yeah, you want to talk about fucking panic attack. Yeah. Because I always tour like this. Yeah. And I think Tom took all of the pandemic off and just podcasted. Yeah. And I think when they said, hey, we're ready to open up touring. Tom's like, put me on the road and keep me on the road. Right. Look at this. Wow, sir. Look at this. Hold on.

May 6, 7, 8, 9, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 18, 19, 20, 20, 22, 24, 26, 27, 28. Dude, he is. Oh my God. I'm wrong. He has no fucking. Tom is out of his mind. He is out of his But, but here's the thing. I bet you he goes on this tour. Wow, Anchor, Jalaska nice. Wait, when's he doing Alaska?

Oh, mother July. Oh, good, good. Um, he, he um, does this, but I bet you then he'll restore the balance. It'll probably take not tour for a year or something, right? Uh, he's actually, I think he's, see your time. Okay, secret. I think this might be the last time you're not to or for a year or something, right? He's actually, I think he's secret time. Okay, secret time. I think this might be the last time you're going to see Tom's girl live in a very long time. Really?

Yeah. Yeah, he's just going to, I think, I mean, I think he's lined it up where, I mean, through well, how I, I mean, I'm, yeah, I'm sure he's, I'm sure he's, oh, no, no, that, by the way, that's not all the dates. There's more than that. Yeah, there's more than that. Yeah, and I'm sure you know, he's probably made just on this story You know, you make him enough money for a lifetime on just this one. Right. Yeah, yeah, so so I know how much money's making Yeah, I'm excited. Yes, I mean, I I know whatever it is. It's like I know it's good Yeah, he's making you know, it's it's worthy of that face ball player.

Yeah. It's ball player money. It's ball player money. But he's like, he's like, hey man, I'm going to do this. I'm going to set up. Yeah. And then I'm locked down. Like he's, you know, Tom's also very young.

He's like, he looks very old. He looks very, very old. Yeah. For his age, he's not 57. He looks 57. Yeah, he does look 57. I looked like the younger bear. I'm oddly like two years older than him.

Yeah. But he's still very young So I think I think he's really gonna lock down. He's loves Austin. I think he's gonna spend time with his boys Let them grow up. Yeah, they've got to live on a fucking they have a great house And I think we're gonna do some movies and do projects, but dude you do a movie. It's like Now your way again for three months from your family another three months months in Serbia. Yeah, when you do that, you know, it's crazy when you're doing that in Serbia. I was like, Oh my God, it's so awesome. And I was like, you know, following you have so much fun. You're on Instagram stories and all that. And I remember thinking like, you know, I think like how

people's minds work is you put your, you see someone do something and you put yourself in that situation. What would it be? And I was like, and I was like, what I loved about it, it's clear as day how much you love your family, it's obvious. And it's like, I was like, he's able to be so happy and be away from his family, and still be happy and be present,

and love his life where I was like, you know, me, I would be so depressed and, oh yeah. And then I would ruin my opportunity. So I was like, you know, me, I would be so depressed and oh yeah. And then I would ruin my opportunity. So I was like, how do I strike a balance where it's like, you get to go away and yes, sometimes that requires you not, you know, missing something in your kids' life,

but it's happening and you have to do it. So be present and be happy because it's your life too. Like you have to put yourself first. I think Georgia turned 16 when we were in Serbia. Yeah. Maybe, I don't know. You know, I got to be honest with you. When I got to Serbia, I have lands on fucking savage. I don't need to say that a million times, but I had a handful of people telling me the

right things at the right time. And number one, lands like, uh, fuck, everyone said to me, have a fucking blast. Make sure that you have a great time doing this. The very first night I was there, kale, my executive producer, I didn't drink. We won't, first night we all went, I didn't drink. And he goes, what are you doing? That's not going to drink. I'm going to be sober from the movie. I want to be here.

And he goes, no. He's like, no. We can't predict right now if this is gonna be a good movie, a horrible movie. We can't predict if this is gonna make $170 million or we lose money. Right. What you can predict is, are you gonna have a good time on this?

Yeah. Are you gonna enjoy yourself? And if you enjoy yourself, that will show up on the screen. Yes. And Leanne told me, I have, we are set, we are locked, we are good for three months, we don't need money for three months. Yeah. You don't make any money on a fucking movie. Right. She was like that we are we're in COVID, we're in lockdown, we're not going anywhere. She's like, have a fucking blast. It's amazing. She said, she was amazing. She called the studio,

she said, I need a gym and whatever, I need them in a house and I need a gym in that house. So they set up a, a, a, a, a, a, rower, weights, everything. They set up everything. You need to leave? Okay. And so yeah, yeah, yeah.

And so she said, I want them in a great neighborhood. I want them, like, and Leanne set up everything. She's like, fucking him in a great neighborhood. I want him, and Leanne set up everything. She's like, fucking, have a great time. And I would call her, I would not call her. I would fuck up, I'd get, and Leanne was always, go out to dinner with Kale. Have a great time. Leanne flew over, spend some time with me,

set up my room, set up everything. Yeah. But like, it was, it was, that you gotta be present for the thing you make, because you're going to regret it if you're not. Yeah, because because it's really not about like the end product, it's about the journey getting there. Like that's all it is, it's about the journey.

That's the thing. When you, even when you get a pilot, or you know, like you said, you got a movie, what two knows, it's not about what happens with it. It's, you did it. Yeah. The journey of that whole thing, that's the thing. You got to think, you did it. The journey of that whole thing, that's the thing. You got to think, you got to enjoy yourself.

You got to find the moments to, to celebrate Chris. Like your show on your bar, back yard, on True TV. Yeah, it's not being sued for. Are you really? Yeah, cause I didn't do, I didn't do season two. They wanted me to do season two and I didn't do it because I was like, I don't want to miss any more of my kids' swim meets.

So I said no to a season of a TV show, and I'm being sued. Are you serious? I swear to God, I'm an active lostard. My lawyer specifically said, please don't mention it. I'll let her any podcasts. Yeah, and I just, I don't care. Because the fucking Winston Churchill's whiskey. I literally they stare like what?

It's a television show is like, yeah, I want to just do the podcast from my house because I don't want to miss I don't want to go to Florida, whatever, for three months and miss my kids life. Well, that would that would I know I'm not. I can I don't know I can understand I can understand. Look, I gotta be honest that you made the right move. If I go back, if I go back and I have money, and they're like, hey, do you wanna go watch

two people swim with whales? I was like, no, no, no, one guy can't even swim. Yeah, I was like, I don't need, not that I don't need the money, you know, money is always a good thing, but I was like, that's how it works. But money can't be that great. I mean, it's like, I know television money. Yeah.

I know television money. Oh, trust me, trust me, trust me, trust me, trust me. I know for a fact, when it's like to go like, Hey man, I can't do it. I just, yeah. I was like, I was like, I'll go there. And again, like to show like the people, I was like, I'll go there and have to go again away

from my family for two, three months and lose money when I can make more money sitting in the next room over in my house and pick my kids up from school. I said that to I remember saying to someone they were like, Hey man, we want you to do this show and I was like, I remember going. I was like, I don't mean this rude, but you don't have enough money to give me. Yeah.

And they're like, what do you mean? And I said, I know what you have in your budget for talent. And I'm letting you know that you that that. And I remember telling this dude, I go, can I just tell you know that you did. And I remember telling this dude, I go, can I just tell you what I get for read on a podcast? This is all broadcast, right? I'm not talking about two bears.

I'm talking about broadcast. Yeah. And he goes, yeah, and I told him, and he went, wait, what? Yeah. And so I do like four reads of show. Yeah. And that's in my backyard.

Yeah. So I'm just setting you know, yeah. And he was like, I don't know what to tell you. He's like I guess you've all grown us and I was like no, no, no I think the world has like I think yeah, I think the the old paradigm of an there's an ad sales guy over at true TV This listening to this right now and and and and and and I mark shall it by the way those ads held us are the best Yeah, can I tell you fucking my ad sales guys A travel channel where the fucking gangsters. Yeah, I love those dude. Yeah, dude Greg Greg read read just read just I think is you type them in this guy deserves. I love this motherfucker. Yeah, this is my this is my my fucking

You know the smoothest motherfucker in town. Looks like Greg reaches. Greg reaches. Ad sales at Discovery, head of AdVill, the type of man I wanna see him. There he is. Dude, just a baller.

I, man, I hope this clip gets to Greg. He meant so much to me. Right? He was up front, he was Greg. He meant so much to me. Right? He was upfront, he was direct, he was a man. Big dude, he's like six, four. Nice. Big dude, look like he played ball, like fucking big bro's shoulders,

but smooth as a Machiado. Like just go like a Caramel Machiado. Smooth as fuck. Yeah. I remember him one time going, comes up to me and he goes, Carnival, you got a Carnival story? And I said, yeah, yeah, he goes,

let's go sell Carnival Cruise. And we walked up, I was like, he was like, guys, I like going to introduce you to Bert Chrysler. And I say, hey, you guys doing what you guys do? And they said, Carnival Cruise, I went, are you serious? Yeah. So I love my wife from the South.

So our idea of vacation is a cruise ship. And they're like, for real? Of course. There's a lot of money for, you know, two episodes, two episodes of cruise. Manakai. Me. Yeah. I would, I would, I would, I would in a heartbeat if we could get him. Yeah. podcasting. Yeah. He changed the game. This guy was a fucking gangster. I remember I remember him tap him me on the shoulder and he goes. He goes. He goes.

This guy was so fucking great. Tastling in the shoulder were a big fucking ad sales dinner and he goes. I'm giving a speech. He goes. Be you know, I was like, okay. So he goes up and he goes, hey, I want to thank everyone for coming out.

We had a great dinner and and and at least no one got shirtless and immediately I went stood up and was like, that's not it. The place goes nuts. Yeah, I was a fuck he's the he just knew. Yeah, man, let's listen. Those assails guys, the best. It's in great executives. Great executives are the fucking best. Yeah, the exact I know, I don't I don't know all these executives are for true. I know some of them. They're all good everybody's good people Everybody's that's a thing. I don't Corey. I know Corey. Oh, he's the best. Yeah, oh, she yeah, she's the best Yeah, and and they're all good people really truthfully all good people and it was just a thing where I was like look I you know, and they were like, you know, say and oh, but you signed a contract

I was like no, I understand and I'm sorry I was like but my life has changed a little bit. Where it's like, I know that I signed a contract, but I guess when they want you, I'm not going to get those three months in my life back. And there's no reason for me to do it. If you did it in New York, where I could see my kids every night, I would gladly do it.

There was no option to do it in New York. So I was like, then I just can't do it. Then you have to sue me and I'm sorry. And they were like, well, we'll see you. Well, it's just, you know what? And it's fine. It's fine. I hope that we can work together in the future

and something in New York, because I really enjoyed the people there. Everyone was cool. Everyone at Trues Awesome. Everyone at TBS is awesome. Oddly enough, little sidebar. I think Greg Regis may be running their ad sales over it. True.

I think they got taken over by Discovery. Yes. And Discovery. Yeah. Greg Regis, I'll work for you in New York, baby. I just want to see my I just want to I just want to pick my kids up from school. You know who one of his ad sales guy is. So God damn it. I'm fucking this up. So we're at a bar drinking one night. His ad sale guys comes up and he goes, you know, Pete Gourielli. I like that. He's his best friend. I don't want to shut up.. There's every joke Pete's got his best friend in. That's me.

I went shut the fuck up. I got Pete. Pete goes, oh, dude. Long. Best friend since childhood. Yeah. It's like that was the bad ass fucking team that I wanted to work with. Yeah.

Pete Corielli is a good example of a guy who does so well in comedy is hilarious and just moved like hours outside of New York just to have a life, just to live life. It's you look at sucked in to having to be in New York or late here, that's like, no, you living in this life? You get sucked into this going like, hey everybody, like the fucking, yeah. I mean, I did it this morning. I went, I was like in my pool,

having a moment of gratitude by the cup of coffee and going, I did it, I did it. And then I'll send that pick my phone up, like, who am I telling, I did it? Like, I need to tell pick my phone up, like, who am I telling I did it? Like, I need to tell myself that. Yeah. I want my daughters to come down and be like, then I'll call me and she goes in the refrigerator.

It's a pink carton and toast. And I was like, what? She goes, I'm not going to school today. Pink carton and toast, have it outside my room. I go in the pool and she goes, I don't care. And I'm up. I went, all right. That one, president. Well, you know what? It's one thing I'm up. I went, all right. That's all in prison.

Well, you know what? It's one thing I saw too. And again, it's not a be all handle, but one thing I saw was like, the more public you make your life is probably because the worse your personal life is. Like if you haven't a desire to constantly have to show the world everything I'm doing,

it's because your personal life is not as good as you think. Now I think that's a caveat with what we do because it's like we have to be public to sell tickets and do that, but I do think about that a lot. Well, I'm like, you know, like just, I like, what, I'm with my kids right now. My daughter just said something hilarious. I have to make her do it again in film

and so I can put on my Instagram so I can get views. No, just enjoy the moment that your kid did something. Yeah. And to be home, they, you know, with they do, you know, Eddie Murphy didn't do this in 1985. There was no option to do that. And he's fine, everything's fine. Everything's good. You gotta show everybody everything.

Well, as a matter of fact, I'm starting to realize, because, you know, I've, I've, you know, my, my special out, I was posting all these clips every day. I'm like, I want everyone to see it. And then I realize like the clips aren't getting the views. I think they should. It's like a little bit like less is more. Like you don't got to put everything you do in everybody's face all the time.

But I'm only learning that again, like anything else in life, you won't, I personally think you only learn when you fail. Like you got to fail a lot to learn stuff. And I'm like, as I go through life and my career, I'm like, I don't like the way I feel when X happened. Somebody else may like the way they felt when X happened. I don't, so then I make little notes in my head. I'm like, okay, be better next week.

That's all I can do, you know? So I try to do. You know, the one thing I learned about failing, it's comedy related, but it's life related. When I did comedy on David Letterman show, I went out 2013. I was wanting to like the last comics to get on before I retired.

She uses it. I mean, when did I do Letterman? This is fucking right when I got, you did wanting like the last comics to get on before I retired. Jesus. Yeah. And when did I do Letterman? This is fucking right when I got you, you did Letterman before I did. No. No. Yeah. I did, I did a for travel channel. Yeah.

This was 2013. When were you on the travel channel? I was on, I up until, dude. I was on travel channel for like, I did an June of 2013. There's no way that you did it. I did it. Well, you did it on the couch. I never went on the couch.

I just did stand up. You would have guessed on Letterman. Yeah. I did that you did it. I did it. Well, you did it on the couch. I never went on the couch. I just did stand up. You would have guessed on Letterman. I did stand up on it. But so I kept doing the set with Letterman. The bookers kept watching me. Is this Eddie Brawl still there? Yep. And the bookers kept watching me.

And I would do it on Caroline's and Gotham and all that stuff. I would watch me do my set and it would go well. And I would never get booked. Go well, never get booked. This happened for weeks. And then finally one night I did it, and it just flat, set bombed people in English, I sucked, just bombed. Five minutes of the same set that I'm doing bombed.

So I went, I called my manager at that time, and I was like, yo dude, I just bombed in front of Eddie Brill and all these people, the bookers, and I bombed man. I was like, I had done so well with the stamp set. So much they never booked me. It's like numbers game like I bombed. So it's like, it's gotta be over now. And they were like, he was like, that's weird.

They booked you for next Wednesday. Like immediately, he goes, I literally was on the phone with them 10 minutes ago. They called me and said he's booked. Next Wednesday, clear the schedule. And I was like, whoa. So I go, I literally was on the phone with them 10 minutes ago. They called me and said, he's booked. Next Wednesday, clear the schedule, and I was like, whoa, so I go, I do the set. And then after the set, when it's all over, I say to one of the other bookers, Alex,

I said, why did you book me on the, when I bum? And here's exactly response, I was like, we just needed to know that you could fail professionally. That's all I needed to know, is that you could fail like a pro because we couldn't have you out there being like something in plug, you in explode on stage, you're in national television,

and then you don't do the set we approved, but the way you were able to just fail professionally is that's all we needed from you. And now we confident to book you. And I was like, wow, failing professionally, that's like a thing you could take in life, outside entertainment, especially in an entertainment. You take it, you just, if you fail gracefully,

that's like, well, that's what it is. That's what I hope my kids learn. It's like, we're all gonna fail, but how do you fail? How do you? Right now, 37. No, no, yes, three. Oh, yes. I was, what time is it? I do mean, you're so much smarter than I now? 37. No, no, yes. Oh, yes. I was, what time is it?

Dude, man, you're so much smarter than I was at 37. You're so much smarter. Dude, if you can find clips of me at 37, I'm just a fucking moron. Dude, you're fucking, what's up? What's up? Yeah, I'm working on the hot pot. Oh, shit.

No, no, no, this has been, this has been a great, great, great guest bear. I was nervous because we're in the Have you never done a bear from here? We have me and Tom me and Tom have done it. Yeah, me and Tom have done it. But I'm nervous because sometimes my energy on that set is a little more frenetic because I'm sitting differently. Yeah, and here it's a little more later. Confie want to cook man. This was thank you. This was I hope you guys like it. Please don't just turn it off because I'm sitting differently. Yeah. And here it's a little more later. Confie want to cook man, this was.

Thank you. This was, I hope you guys like it. Please don't just turn it off because Tom's not here. Just listen, we cry at some point. Yeah. So just listen to it. Uh, thank you. Um, really, I really, I'm really glad that you're my friend.

Me too. You're a friend. You're a really insightful dude. You're, you've got everything dialed in, man. I'm really happy for you. I would love to trade places with you and tell and say it's also you're from here. It's so easy, man. But, dude, you've got this dialed in. You know more at 37 than I ever fucking knew it. 40. Yeah. I fucking 40. I was the lostest dude ever. Yeah. I'm so happy for it. Congrats on the special. Thank you, man. Congrats on special. I cannot wait to see you on

Rogan. Yeah. Let me tell you something. Everyone watching right now. This is a must. What? So let's real quick. Let's do Rogan Protocol. Call comes in your car comes in five. Okay. Whiskey obviously. Yes. Whiskey obviously. Is it gonna be one of whiskey? Sure. Yeah.

Yeah. Sorry. Never had a scar. Never had a scar. It's a good place to have your first scar. Okay. Okay. I'm just doing it.

I'm doing everything. It's not everything. Marijuana. I'll do it. Oh. Yeah. This is going to be the best fucking episode ever. Yeah. I mean, this is going to be a fucking and if it's bad, it's even that much better. You can't do battle on Rogan. If you're a comic, you can't

do battle on Rogan. Okay. Well, I take that back. Adam Conner was pretty bad. You ever see that? Adam knows everything. Right. Adam ruins everything. It was a bad one. Oh, my God. I was like, I was like, and I love that show. I love Adam. That show is a layer of great. Adam Conner was so fucking good. Informational. He's so handsome. Adam Ruins, everything is such a great fucking show. He's got a new documentary coming out called The G Word that I'm really excited for. I like Adam Conover and I kind of thought,

because Rogan's always malleable to whatever the comic is. Yeah. You know, like you have on anyone, Jimmy Doherr, I don't know if Jimmy Doherr is. Yeah, but like, there's a rough one. No, one. No, I hope I'm gonna be there in Austin. I haven't been confirmed yet I can't wait to just be there ready to go so excited. They just get bummed for Elon Musk Just immediately

Pull Tim Dylan and just be on with him. Yeah, I'll be on with you. So Elon explain rockets to me. Yeah, yeah Just our pitch and dumb ideas for Twitter. Hey, my watch is solar is that like something you do? I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, One goes top and swat the other, wears a shirt Tom tells stories and birds the machine There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean Here's what we call, two bears one cave No scripts to bid a booze, amateur, patology Dirty jokes, ranchy humor, no apologies Here's what we call, two bears one cave.