2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 138 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Ron White

Episode Date: June 20, 2022

LA! Tom is doing a special event to celebrate the launch of his book "I'd Like To Play Alone Please." Come out June 23th at 8:00pm! Tickets available at https://livetalksla.org/events/tom-segura Welcome back to 2 Bears, 1 Cave! This week Bert Kreischer is on dialysis and Tom Segura sits down with guest bear Ron White! The bears talk about how Ron used Ayahuasca to stop drinking, Ron getting arrested for drug smuggling, and the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. They trade standup comedy stories, discuss retirement, and some advice on love and happiness! https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://www.bertbertbert.com/bertyboytourhttps://store.ymhstudios.com/

Los Angeles, I'm having a book event June 23rd. It is Live Talks LA. It's going to be a book event where there will be signings and a long discussion about the book. I'd love to see you there. Click the link in the description below and get tickets. Love to see you there. So I'm like, yeah, go ahead, search the plane. So they put drug dogs on the plane. Well, of course, I smoke pot on the plane. So the dogs are... Oh, I don oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Listen guys, Bird is under dialysis and we're hoping he recovers soon. Thankfully there are people that can come in and keep this show going. We are blessed today to have the great Ron White here with us. Give it up for Ron White of you buddy.

There's applause coming from the back of the building somewhere. They love it. Everybody loves Ron White. That's the thing. You're a legend, man. I'm so thankful that you're here. Doesn't the legend mean almost dead? Or already dead? No. Not in this case. Whenever comics introduce me to have the bulk and they're always, it's so over the top I can't even follow it. I mean, you know, it's kind of feel good. Though people admire you. We all look up to you. You,, you know, you're, you've kind of laid this path of like, how to do it and not only have you done it well,

but the thing I think that happens when you do this, like when you do stand up for a while, is the thing you end up appreciating and respecting the most is longevity. It's somebody who, like, as people pop and then they kind of, fizzle out, but somebody that is a real comic that just keeps doing it, like, you're, it's who you are. You're a comedian. Yeah, that's it. That's it. So we, we admire you, man. And you look great. You look fucking great, man. Well, you know, I haven't had a drink of alcohol in 16 months. I'm not proud to say. And I believe that there's so much alcohol

that you can drink in your lifetime and I drink mine. You got it. And the next time when I come back in another life, I'm gonna drink a little slower. Okay. So I have a little extra boost to drink in my 60s and 70s. You have a little time with it later on.

What are you doing to like fill the, you know, the void of that? Hard drugs, drugs? Yeah, hard drugs. What I've done is, you know, I do, you know, I suffered a little depression when I was, you know, kind of in the pandemic and I was drinking a lot of my tequila. And then somebody suggested mushrooms might be a way to get me out of that funk. So I started macro dosing those and I don't have scales or anything, but you know, it's probably more than the recommended.

Just eyeballing it. It's like that much. I don't know if you can tell. Is that a weight measure or anything about that much mushrooms? And, uh, and gotta tell you, pull it right out of the funk. It does, huh? Yeah. You know, pull you right out of the funk. It does, huh? Yeah. You know, I've been wanting to do it.

I want to go to Ayahuasca. I want to have that mind-opening experience. Well, I did when it became really apparent that I probably need a quick drink in. And it came about in a couple different ways. One, my girlfriend has a beach house. It's on the main channel, the Oxnard Marina, her house is one of,

and so the neighbors are maybe five years older than me, and they're all drunk, drunk. I mean, and so I had no choice but to look at it. That's what you look like right there. And in five years, it's not going to get better see. It gets worse. And they're nice people, but they're just retired, drunk. And this is actually what helped. It just made me look at it. I mean, the doctors were saying that I have some bad numbers. And so, but it made it easier just to look at the natural progression of life. I got to get ready to be 70 in five years.

Right. So how am I going to get around? How am I going to function? And it was really, you know, got to the point, especially during the pandemic, that I was, you know, that bottle to the point, especially during the pandemic, that I was, you know, that bottle of tequila was moving. I used to keep it in a cabinet and then it went to a coffee table. And I didn't even have to get up, just read you over and pour a little bit.

And it went from five to three, thirty in the afternoon. And it just, I, but I couldn't really see a life where I didn't drink, you know, because number one I'm famous for drinking. And so socially, I'm kind of the hub of social activity in some circle, you know, and then I have a crew on the road with me all the time and I've gotten them drunk every night for years. And on my nickel. And I'm like, I don't want to get other employers do this, you know, every night. Let's go get trash on me guys, every night. Come on, let's go.

So, but, so I'd heard about Iowa's get, and I thought, well, that's what I wanna do. I wanna go down to Costa Rica and go to a place called Rizmia. And I told them how much I drank and then they said, no, you can't come here because we're not set up for detox and you're going to have problems. And that's not what we are. It can be a byproduct, but it's not what we're here to do. You know, so you got to quit for 15 days and I'm like 15 days.

No way. So I went to this hypnotist in Santa Monica and really cheesy looking operation. The guy's doing it out of his garage and he has a brown wig that's just a little crooked. I don't know if it's all part of it or what, and drink at a thin tall glass of water with no eye-city barely sipped on. And you're in his garage, you know, 30-year-old recliner, blue velvety-looking, you know. And the guy's so good at what he does and you go to four sessions it's 250 bucks a piece. Rehab is 3,000 a day in LA so you go for a month that's 90 thousand dollars and I went

about 10 years ago for that state's over for six months for I think then was 70 thousand dollars and I'm like well let's stay so over the rest of my life it's going to be pricey over for six months for, I think then with $70,000. I'm like, well, let's stay so over the rest of my life, it's gonna be pricey. And if that's all I'm getting, these six month chunks out of the 70 grand. That's a 70 grand investment. So I went to him and, and so I just did what he said,

you know, the first section I didn't quit during, he said, you want to quit drinking now? I'm like, great. How long does this go? Yeah. A year. I want a slow program and then you quit after the second one and I got to tell you, I never went through any kind of detox or didn't buy. And I did the first time I quit. I was in a hospital room shaking and sweating. And now I think they were giving me pills to make me shake and sweat because it's the only time

I've ever done it. And I think that you, I don't know that for sure, I'm making false accusations. Still, I did it or by mine. Well, why I was like, you know, because I was drinking more now than I was then. But nothing, I just quit and it didn't bother me a bit. And then I went down to Costa Rica and did a week But nothing I just quit and it didn't bother me a bit and

And then I went down to Costa Rica and did a week at I was good and and it was Well, you know, yeah, it's really nice number one this place. It's not a canoe down the Amazon Before Gated 10 Shaq with a bunch of feathered, you know, it's not that experience Yeah, no, no, no, no. It's used to be part of a JW Marriott on the beach and it was their overflow on the jungle side so it just got bought it and turned it into this health facility. So the food's great, everything's included.

You trip for four nights and from like five, 30 to about midnight and in the perfect environment. I mean, this big room has beds, mattresses on the floor and they're all made up, tall, organized, beveled, and blankets. And it's very kind of ceremonial, that we do have feathers there. Feathers help.

And there's four different shamans that different one every night and the juice is a little different every night. And the first night I did it, I tripped so hard and I don't mind altered states and boy, but that was a little much for me. And I wasn't exactly sure at one point, I'm like, I can't do this for an ounce of a row.

There's no way. But the drug that's in it, the active ingredient is over. It gets out of your system, just like that. And so they know exactly when it'll be over. So at midnight, when they turn on the light and say, good morning, you're no matter how hard you were tripping before, it's not like go to bed, but it's over. And you're like, oh, well, I can do that. I can go to the dark side,

because they tell you to lean towards the dark side. So if you see a rainbow and a unicorn, and this side is street, and there's some dude you barely recognize near a window, go that way. Don't hop on the unicorn and fly over the rainbow. Yeah. Because there's nothing over there. Right. And so I was leaning into it

Pretty hard and but when I've once I found that it was over I'm like I can I can do that You know as long as not 16 hours of when is it shit gonna go away? Yeah, yeah, and so and the next night I went in there in the show and gave me like half as much and you could drink as much of it as you want. You just can't do it past a certain time so they know it's over when it's over. And he gave me like half as much and he said, uh, said, uh, mother Iowaska is giving you the night off. And I'm like, okay, whatever you want.

And it was so beautiful. They had, in the back, they had all these hammocks and the great sky and monkeys and shit and a big fire out there. And the shaman just goes, just go outside and I said, what do I do? And he's like, I'm sitting on hammock and when it's time to come in, come on in.

I said, how long does it have to come in? And he goes, oh, you'll know. So I'm out there going, oh, it's kind of like a little light mushroom buzz. And then I open my mouth and the entire forest rushed into it. And I'm like, it's probably time to go in, right? And I just, I went on, I went on in,

and lay down on my mattress. And some people get, there's vomit buckets too, because it makes people vomit. Or it gives you the shits, which is what it did for me. And so I have, having a trip and balls, I got it. Oh my God. And I never thought I'd walk into a room full of people throwing up in buckets and go, lucky.

I gotta go to this other room and shit. You just throw up and you're bad. Was it life altering experience? A lot of people describe ayahuasca as like, oh man, this completely changed my perspective on things. It, it, what it did in a nutshell was helped me forgive everybody except one fucking divorce lawyer. I got mad telling you I did it. I was so good with forgiving everybody till it came to that

sorry mother fucking piece of shit. Yeah. And I so I'm hung up. I was just that one little thing but the rest of us good. That's pretty good. And, you know, it also a big part of just forgiving me, for, you know, to let it go. It's a waste of time. It takes too much energy. And, but it really showed me a way to let it all go. Yeah. And, and I, and I, I tell you, the experiences after the first night,

which were dark, were very light and full of nothing but love, feelings of love. And it affects everybody differently because the night that I was on dumb mattress, could not get up, I couldn't figure out how to scratch my head. My head itched, I have hands with fingernails I couldn't figure out how to scratch my head. My head, itched. I have hands with fingernails. Couldn't put them together.

Really? Like, oh, cause I was just thinking about something else and somebody walked by and I was like, can you scratch my head and they're like, yeah, sure dude. I got a good, yeah. Well, and other people are dancing. So in my head, I'm doing the bill of Hicksland

So you guys can use your legs So you went through for a full ride. This is a full ride full ride and and four nights in a row But the other three were just joyous. That's great and Completely different and and and I was ready to attack. I was ready to go deeper deeper and they're like it was kind of like a death and a rebirth, but I got there quick. Now I don't know about all that. All I know is I wanted to experience it. I found this place that was really good at it, very, very safe, I found this place that was really good at it, very, very safe. And not, I mean, it's like five grand a week for the nicest room they've got.

And that includes food. So it's not rehab prices in here in Costa Rica. I ended up staying in Tamarindo for next a week after that. And fucking love it, man. And I just got connected to somebody who will fly in and and either do it at they'll do it at your place or you can go to a place and they'll administer and take you through that. You know I know that that's going on and I know what's going on all over Beverly Hills and my yoga girl used to go

do it and she's really the one that kind of talked me into doing it. But I wanted to, I didn't really trust. I mean, I have a little trouble with an honest or healthy amount of problems with trust. So I just made the decision to go down there. I think that's cool of shit. Yeah. And by the way, I think you deserve an enormous amount of credit for having the awareness to see those neighbors that you were saying that are five years older and having the thought of being like, hey, this is the future.

Like being able to see that most, a lot of people don't put two and two together like that. They just look at their neighbor and they're like, all right, and they just keep going. Yeah, you can really, I, you know, and I really like those people, but I have a tendency not to go there because of them. You know, because I just, and not that it makes me want to drink, because it makes me want to drink even less.

Right, and I can't drink any less, because I don't drink at all, but I would drink less than none. How have you, it's been 16 months, how have you adapted to knowing that you're on light? Everybody goes, this guy's always got a cocktail in a cigar, he's great to be around. You know, the crew, meaning everybody's just being like,

I don't wanna have a drink with this guy. Right. And now you're not drinking, like, do you still socialize? Do you have you adopted like some other thing that Let's you be in those circles are like what's your well if they want to smoke pot and eat mushrooms I'll do that you know, so you know, I still got some shit going on. Okay, it was socially it was awkward at first and and I had a tendency right at first to To kind of isolate and then it got to where the upside

to me not drinking was so big. Yeah. That it didn't matter to me anymore. And it was a really short clarity. You have so much more clarity. You have much more clarity like you think in your mind or like, you know, I sleep like a baby. I feel good when I wake up, you know, it's less up and tripping all night and

I feel like shit, you know, I don't want to paint too great a picture. And also I'm not recruiting people to quit drinking. This was my problem. Sure. You know, it was nobody else's problem. And I wanted to keel a company so I need people to continue to drink at at an accelerate rate just to we had to take a truck off the route when I quit There you go, and My investors even though they

They said oh, that's great. You're gonna quit drinking night. They totally didn't sound like they meant it Sounded like it was just they've throw something they were throwing in there for work on sure. Oh great news That's true all of us run. Yeah So you know what in the weird thing is I don't talk about it on stage I go on stage with a bottle of medikeela and a and a drink that looks like a drink You know because it's a people will why aren't you honest? I'm like it's not a fucking newscast. No, it's a comedy show It's a show and most of it's not true right, you know, it's not a fucking newscast. No, it's a comedy show. It's a show. And most of it's not true. Right.

You know, it's so many people don't fucking get that. Yeah, these are jokes. I just tell them in story form. You know, like, so they, it may sound more, less like a joke, and more like a story, but it's not. It's jokes written into a story. Into a story. Into story's not. It's jokes written into a story. And to a story.

And to a story form. And it's quite frankly, I could never ever figure out another way to do it. And this is the only way I've worked for me. So I'm like, fuck why am I- That's my favorite though least resistance. It's favorite thing to watch is like, what I remember was like, you know,

I always like watching standup. Like you get into standup because you like watching it. You enjoy standup. But my favorite type of standup to watch before I did stand up was somebody just talking about like their day or something that happened. And it sounded like it was someone who had come over to the house and just telling you like, do you know what happened?

Exactly. That was my favorite kind of thing to watch. And I gravitated towards doing that the longer I did stand up because I was also just better at that than any other form of stand up. So I love the storytelling style. That's my favorite.

Yeah, and it's easy to get into. And if you go out and live your life like a banshee anyway, then stories are gonna arise. You know, like the Virro Beach thing. Well, I couldn't have written that. So for people that don't know, so I went to high school in Virro Beach. There's not a lot of things when you're in Virro Beach

that you, that people talk about. Virro Beach is a small, mostly retirement community. They did have the Dodger Spring training for 49 years until fuck nuts, move them to Arizona. That was our only thing, it was Dodger spring training for 49 years until fuck nuts move them to Arizona. That was our only thing. It was Dodger town. So, like, when I was in high school, I would go to Gold's gym to work out next to Mike Piazza.

I would go to church on Sunday with my parents and Tommy LaSorta would be, you know, shit, like that was it. And then as you know, you'd hear Virro Beach very seldom. And then one day they're like, hey, you know what happened in Vero Beach? Ron White got arrested here. And I was like, what? And it was on your play, or your plane had landed, right?

What's the actual story? The actual story is I was flying in there for two shows at the Sunrise Theater, I believe, in Fort Pierce. Okay. And I was on the plane, it's my plane, by myself, with two pilots. And there were new pilots because I fired my old pilots. The old pilots decided it would be great to call a number and report a drug smuggler. This plane, and you could follow anything on flight aware.

And so before I was laying, that's what they would do. But it never worked, but this time it did. And so I'm just sitting on the plane, I noticed there's, you know, people in flag jackets and fucking dogs and rar, rar, rar, rar, and I'm like, I wonder what's going on there. Yeah. And I'm like, I'm glad it was me. So they, you know, they give me all the plane and these cops were solid dudes and they were fans. Of course.

And they go, Ryan, here's what happened. And I said, uh, uh, they say, can we search the plane? It'll all be better if we can just determine that you're not a drug smuggler, which we are heading. No, you're not. You're here to do a show. We all, we totally get it. We're fans. We have tickets. Yeah. Yeah. Sure. That. But so I'm like, yeah, go ahead, search the plane. So they put drug dogs on the plane. Well, of course, I smoke pot on the plane, so the dogs are, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Oh no, and uh So literally there was seven eights they of a Graham No of marijuana they waited seven eighths of a Graham Which is out of weed right that means you don't have you don't have weed

Jimmy pot no seven eighths of a Graham yeah, and so they Yeah, and so they Whatever fucking that it's a station the chief said bring him in he's a flight risk. He's got a plane and and they were so apologetic that they're like Because they had to do what he said. Yeah, so they're like mr. White. You're gonna hate us and I'm like, what?

And I gotta get a show to do, right? And he goes, they're gonna make us bring in. I'm like, for this, for seven, eight, so a gram of pot, which they already said would be no big deal. One of the things I said, when they said, look at the bag, I showed them that. They're like, oh, that's not it.

And so, hand cuff me, put me in a cop car, and took me down, and a funny thing was, I, for some reason, because I don't understand money. Yeah. And never had any really until one day, when I started selling out theaters, and you know what happens then. Yeah.

But I would get $5,000 a show and cash, because I just wanted to make sure some of it was real, you know. Sure. And I felt better if I had it. And so. So you're like, why are you giving the check to the rest, but give me cash. Cash, five thousand bucks. So I had done seven shows since I'd been home. So I had $35,000 cash in my this bag that I carry. And this guy's like, well, I'm gonna need to count that money. And oh my God, I'm gonna take a while.

He's like, one, one thousand, two thousand. I'm like Jesus, no. You can't count it like that. Count out stacks of a hundred, one, two, three, four, five, I'm teaching I'm like, Jesus. No. You can't count it like that count out stacks of a hundred one two three four five I'm teaching this mother fucker how to count right and They move me from city jail the fucking county jail and the whole thing is going down the tubes and I am I have a real problem

Being late to tell you anything. Yeah, And I'm, so I'm not. I'm on time. And so the show, it's kind of causing me some anxiety. And, but they're, but they're at the theater. They've got a theater sold out show. There were two different nights. And so this shows the people are there. They're like, yeah, you just got moved over to County jail.

I'm in house, but they're out. They're out too. Yeah. The people are there like hey, he just got moved over to county jail on the in house, but Yeah, so when I got out of the out of the when they released me There was a truckload of kids and pick up truck full kids had these big signs that it already made it said free tater And God I hate myself for being in such a hurry that I couldn't stop and address that, take a picture with them or something, but I was two hours late to the show. And not one person left. Everybody stayed there for two hours waiting for me to get out of jail. What was that like? It was it was absolutely one of the most insane responses I've ever gotten walking on stage. Yeah, because whatever happened I got there for that show and they stayed for that show. They went nuts and it sold it sold everything this guy in a newspaper the sheriff

Said he may not have had Many drugs with him, but how did we know how much he did have? And my heart, we know I didn't kill somebody. Is there, are we being speculative? On what I might have done wrong in the past, cause there's plenty to probably lock me up, but I didn't get caught by any of it. So I got caught with seven eighths of a gram.

I didn't realize it was that little. It's yeah, and I wanted to fight it, but for fun. Yeah. And just because it would make them look stupid to have all this, go to all this trouble over this. And I tell them these guys drove by three meth labs in a dead hooker just to get to my seven, eight to a gram of pot. So you need to focus your energy elsewhere.

But it sold everything. It sold tickets, it sold books, it sold everything. It sold so amazing. Amazing. And that's, yeah, that's one of like, when you say, for a beach down, like there's very few things that people there, well, they'll be like,

Ron White was here and he got, Princeton, the fucking tarmac. They're playing. You're playing. Right, that was the biggest comment. It was, Ron White has a jet. Yeah. Yeah, you're, everybody.

Everybody has two different jobs. One of them paid a little more and the other one you had a jet. And I'm like, I think I want to have a jet for a while. Man, so everybody in common, like, you know, within the comedy world, you kind of learn these things like when the big names in comedy are indistinguishable. Everybody knows, Siobfeld loves porches, right? Like everybody knows he has though. Everybody knows who, like, what kind of like

the big names interests are. And when you, it became known that you had a jet, everybody was like, fuck, yes. Ron White has a jet and everybody aspired to it I want to know what like obviously this touring life is kill me right now. I think I picked up something this week I just go city to city to city When Because I you know to give people a background on you. It's like you're you're you're a comic, you're working, you're grinding it out,

like all comics are, blue collar really is like the explosion, right? Absolutely. It launches you into another stratosphere. And then it's like, now you're doing what you do, but you're doing it for a lot more people, selling out theaters everywhere, somewhere on the line, you must go like, well, if I'm gonna work this much,

you know, I might as well. I don't wanna get a fucking jet. Get a jet. Well, I was, when blue collar happened, I'd been doing stand-up for 15 years. For 15. Yeah. Okay. And so, and I was doing nine, you know, eight nine shows a week in comedy club. So I had chops.

Right. And I was blister in these crowds. And, and then the blue collar, the movie shot the movie. And, and I'm only in it for 10 minutes. Is that right? It's a 10 minute set. I'm opening for Fox, we're the enneemball. So Larry, Larry and I are doing that.

And so I'm like, if I see this right, I have a chance of getting really famous from 10 minutes of material. Did you really think like that already? Yeah. You did. I just saw that coming because Warner Bros. committed to it. You have a big laugh.

You have a big laugh, and all that. Yeah, and I watched Jeff explode right next to me, although I never thought it would happen to me. But then when I saw it going down, I'm like, wow, wouldn't it be perfect if you got famous without burning that fucking show? Yeah. And so now I could sell out any venue

in the country in two minutes at that time. And I've got a long ass show nobody's ever seen. It's tight as fuck. Yeah. So I was able to stay ahead of it. So I wouldn't, by the time I had released a special, I would have a show to do. By the way. Because I stayed ahead of it early. As a side note, this was one of the big fuck ups with the stand-up shows like last comic standing is that with the stand-up shows like last comic standing, is that somebody would compete in that win and have a total of 15 minutes of stand-up. So then when everybody learned who they were,

they couldn't capitalize on it. They were like, I have 15 minutes. And they're fucked. Yeah, and the exact opposite thing happened to me. Yeah. Which was, I had 15 years. Yeah. And you're a headline. And had had never put out a record.

Man, and I think the first time we put a show on sale, my manager at the time who was an asshole, he goes, you haven't even sold out comedy clubs yet, right? You need to do comedy clubs for a little while. I'm like, I don't think so. And there was a little 800 seat theater out where I lived in Swainny, Georgia. It was connected to do a big complex of theater, so it was a smaller one. But nice little theater, I shot my last special there. And he said, you'll be lucky to sell that one. And so that, I think, eight or nine. Jesus Christ. So that way, you know, I made

I think eight or nine Jesus Christ. So that way you know, I made Hundred and something thousand the more than I made the whole year before that sure and Spend to call that man. I'm like, you're way bigger that shit. Yeah, this good, right? Yeah, it's working out so I and Jeff was flying everywhere. I was over I was over Jeff So I was flying around on, of Jeff he was running. And it's just so fucking expensive. And so I found this, I had a friend, it was a big good friend with Bill Clinton

and he used to have a West win one. And not to play, I would recommend, but that's what I had. And it was a great plane. Coast to coast, just seven people, fit on it, bathroom nobody uses, and these two pilots, it drinks a lot of gas, but I bought it for a million six,

but I just sold it for like 110 grand because it was sold, it was built in 1980 and nobody would finance it. Still a perfect airplane. Yeah. You never want to be up free to old planes, you want to be afraid of new planes, set a perfect airplane. Yeah. You never want to be afraid of old planes, you want to be afraid of new planes, 37 max. Yeah.

Because the old planes are pretty simple. And that jet engine is not, they still sell the same jet engine that was on my plane for a million bucks a piece. Now they sell them, still sell that motor. It's a perfect motor. Sure. And but now, you know, there's so many of those

planes that just don't fly anymore because of their age, you can pick up those engines for a hundred grand and put them on your skateboard. No, you can't. So I thought, and I was also doing a hundred and forty-five cities a year. God damn. So I bought, I already had a tour bus that I still have the same one, 15 years old or 20 years old. And I thought, well, I'm just gonna make touring as soft as I can for me and work this motherfucker. Really crazy because who knows how long it's gonna last,

not long, probably. If you look at all of it. I watched guys that were better than me not staying theaters like Rich Ginny for one, better comedian than I'll ever be. And he would make the corner or end the theaters and then the next thing he'd know he would be back in comedy clubs again.

Why do you think that was? He was such an asshole. And he was, I mean, he really was. And I know he had problems because he shot himself, right? So there's your start looking here. And, right. And, but I was such a big rich, skinny fan. He's so funny. But people who don't, he's so, so funny. Gifted funny gifted gifted entertainer and just be the room to death with really smart stuff and But I was headlining the improv down My am he coconut grove or wherever wasn't and he was coming in I was there for two weeks and

And he was coming in on Monday and Tuesday or One maybe one one maybe both and doing just a one night there because he was wasn't back in theaters but he was just doing one nighters and comedy clubs and so he came in and they didn't have a green room there. It was just a front office but he had a little meet tray set up you know a little special not much but more than they got me and and I went in there and just told him I was a fan, told him I was the headliner. He would have no reason to know who I was, I just club headliner.

He looks right past me as manager and goes, how long is he going to be in here? I'm like, I was so surprised, I mean, I get it, you know, just a young comic that, but, but I don't get, you know, being that, that rude to somebody. So then right, really kind of right before he, uh, off himself, um, he was down at the comedy store and I was down there with Doug Stanhope and we went over and just fucked with him. You did? I mean, like, hey man, let's go bowling or something. Let's just, we never hang out anymore. We know we met down there and it was just, oh, because you don't like to talk to people anyway,

we wouldn't leave him alone. And we did it. It was, you know, because I told Doug that story about what a Tiki was and Doug said, well, let's go fuck with him. Let's go fuck with him. I mean, he killed himself. I feel so bad.

I mean, I don't really blame myself, but I was there. Let's go fuck with him. Yeah. Yeah, let's go fuck with him. Yeah. Yeah, let's go fuck with him. Yeah, let's go fuck with him. Yeah, let's go fuck with him. Yeah, let's go fuck with him. Yeah, let's go fuck with him. Yeah, let's go fuck with him. Yeah, let's go fuck with him. Yeah, let's go fuck with him.

Yeah, let's go fuck with him. Yeah, let's go fuck with him. Yeah, let's go fuck with him. Yeah, let's go fuck with him. Yeah, let's go fuck with him. Yeah, let's go fuck with him. Yeah, let's go fuck with him. Yeah, let's go fuck with him. Yeah, let's go fuck with him. Yeah, let's go fuck with him. Yeah, let's go fuck with him. Yeah, let's go fuck with him. Yeah, let's go fuck with him. Yeah, let's go fuck with him. Yeah, let's go fuck with him. Yeah, let's go fuck with him. Yeah, let's go fuck with him. Yeah, let's go fuck with him. Yeah, let's go fuck with him. Yeah, let's go fuck with him. Yeah, let's go fuck with him. Yeah, let's go fuck with him. Yeah, let's go fuck with him. Yeah, let's go fuck with him. Yeah, let's go fuck with him. Yeah, let's go fuck with him. Yeah, let's go fuck with him. Yeah, let's go fuck with him. Yeah, let's, it's just, you got to work hard to justify it, but if you're doing that kind of work, I mean, I would you are. Would you look into this camera and... Which one? I think this one here, and tell my business manager, it's probably a good idea.

You know, Tom will kill himself in commercial flights. If you tell what happened to Rich Ginny, what happened was he was perfectly normal and he started doing all this work trying to make his managers some money and his business managers and they held him back and the pressure got to him and well we all know what happens. Jeff. It settled. Boom.

It's jet time. Jet time. Man, you know, I wish I wouldn't have sold mine because I would have given it to you. You could have used it. Jeff was my back. Jeff was my back. Jeff was playing. Yeah.

This is the one I saw the tail had the pirate ship. Yeah, I saw that. It had a skull and crossbones on the bottom of it. And the, I told my wife at the time, this like three back of, I said, I'm gonna put a, yeah, that's not it. And that's not it. That's not it. Or people saying, I don't all these It's not it. Are people saying I don't all these jets no wonder?

You can't just... Do you still smoke cigars? Yeah I do. Nice. Do you have a favor to smoke in here or do you not allow people to smoke? I mean I would love for you to smoke in here. I don't know if the... Can we smoke in here?

It's your place. I don't think it's a great idea, but if you were cool with it, then definitely. I'm cool with it. I just have these little nicotine, full of cars. Do you give us like something to ash in? Yeah, give me a minute. But yeah, I got this cup.

Oh, okay, never mind. Great. Yeah, that's, it would also be the most hilarious episode ever. The one where I did the pirate ship on the bike. Oh, anyway, I told my wife that I said, I'm gonna put a skull and crossbones on the bike and I planned to go, you shouldn't do that.

And I said, why not? She goes, that's like saying, fuck the universe. I said, well, you're gonna hate my other idea, which was to write, fuck the universe underneath the skull and crossbones. So there's a skull and crossbones and it says, fuck the universe underneath it. And I'm like, the universe made me a famous comedian. They know I'm kidding. Oh my God. The universe doesn't take me serious.

This is fantastic. That was that picture with me in the time. I know exactly where it was because I only wore a tie once and that was to address I was it was Ron White Day in the state of Texas and I had that was addressing the Senate on Ron White Day. And you know what I said? What? I can't believe you guys have to work on Ron White Day. By the way, I have a story. I don't know if you'll what, we can cut it out if you don't like it, but somebody told me this recently, so I have to tell you the story. Okay. So you just marked this, we might lose it.

So I'm doing this gig and this comedian dating a guy. And the guy is like, oh yeah, and he goes, you know, my dad is a comedy manager. And I go, who's your dad? I know a lot of the comedy managers. He goes, uh, John McDonald. And I go, oh yeah, I know, I know who that is. I've met him before. I go, he fucking dropped off a client at my place one time.

Like he brought the client over. And he's like, yeah, I grew up, you know, with like all these comics and he's like, and Ron White. And I go, oh man, so I start talking about you because we're just talking, you know, comedy stories and comics we like. And he goes, dude, I have this story that I've never told Ron. And I go, what is it? And he goes, it was, I don't know how many years ago, Ron comes over to our house.

Yeah, he's a little kid then. And kid. And he goes, he has a Porsche Cayenne SUV. He goes, parks it there and he goes, I forget where, like to a gig or something. I know it's a story. Yeah, go ahead, tell him that I'll get there. Okay, he goes, we get, he goes a couple,

he's gone for a couple of days. And me and my friends are like, this is Ron White's truck. Let's open it. So they open the truck and he's like, there's like a chest in the back. And we pull it out and it has every drug imaginable in this chest.

Yeah, he was. And he goes, I go, wait, so what'd you do? He goes, we kept it. And we just shut the door. And then when Ron came back, he just got in his truck left and nobody ever said a thing. And he's like, and that was like our drug chest for like months. And he goes, and I never told him

and no one ever brought it up. So he goes, that's, that happened. Eventually his dad brought it up. He did. His dad found a chance. Where'd you get this? Adder Ronwides truck. And I wasn't really focused on my drugs at the time,

so I wouldn't even miss that chest full of drugs. I had so many. Yeah. That it was like an extra chest full. That's where I kept the spare or something. But I do know that because he's like, he sat me down. He did. John did. And yeah, that John was my manager for a while,

and he was not the asshole guy. The other guy was the asshole, JP Williams. And JP Williams and I, you know, he always, he was always an asshole to me, but I wanted that job with Blue Collar. Sure. And because it was great. It was a great fucking job.

Jeff paid me well when I opened for him. I made so much money. And then the Blue Collar thing looked like a stairway to fucking heaven. And so, but he always referred to me as an overpaid opening act. And you know, you just owned manager? Yeah, my own. Well, yeah.

And, but he wasn't really my manager then he was Jeff's manager but then they formed a company to manage me and Dan after Blue Collar so we got back together for Blue Collar one or Blue Collar two the second movie and we had two of them together for a while but I'd made a few million bucks you know in that year, 13. And so he still wanted to you know play that same game that I didn't want to play anymore about the overpaid opening act because I was drunk and it we and we were finished. It was the rap party at the hotel We were all done. Everybody could have gone home. Yeah And but this asshole brought out the fucking asshole and me and it turned into a big shove and fuck you mother fucker Well The the next day he dropped me from the roster

and this client has paid him a million plus a year, but I wasn't his client. I was John's client. And so that caused a little riff in the company when one guy fires the other guy's only client so that caused them to have to split and John went with me. So that's how that ended up. That's how that ended up.

And then I loaded his kid up with drugs and then... I mean, it's so amazing people who don't follow, who don't know this world well about managers. Like, there's like five that are worthwhile, you know? Like they're not, there's so many of them that are just fucking, they just answer phones. And they forward you itineraries and you're like, what the fuck do you do, man? Right. And then they have the balls to say some shit like that

to somebody and you're like, hey man, you're a fucking glorified secretary. Right. Get the fuck out of here with you. Yeah. You're a fucking grab my bag. You're telling me this shit. Right. Yeah. And so I figured that out. And I got to the point, I never wanted to be anything but a comedian. Yeah. And that's what I was focused on. That's what I wanted to do. So anytime I the period of my career when I needed the tonight show or I did Letterman once and and then I did the Scottish guy with his name, the talk show guy at late time. Oh, okay, Chris.

Yeah. And so I didn't do very many of them. And then, but when I got popular, then they all wanted me to do it. And I didn't want to. Yeah. And because I know that it doesn't help. They do anything.

They do anything. I mean, Jake Johansson has been on the tonight show 20 Something Times. and can't sell out a funny bone. And he's one of the best comics alive. So that's not the gateway. They're the pathway anymore when it used to be. It did.

So is it that crazy that you used to fucking do people would do Johnny Carson and the next day they'd be like, everybody knows who you are. Everybody knows who you are, yeah. So it's, but anyway, that doesn't exist anymore. So anytime I would, I started getting, I had a development deal for, uh, from Fox out of the Montreal Comedy Festival. So I had, I really, I had a movie coming out, Blue Collar and a development deal. And the development deal for us for Senior White, which is about a time in my life that I

lived in Mexico and owned a pottery company, True Story. And True Story? True Story. And I lived in Ray Nosa, Mexico, and I had a pottery, let's call it a concern, because I was concerned about it. It wasn't really a company, but we made beautiful stuff. And so things were looking good, right? I'm staying in a nice hotel driving a really nice BMW on Fox's nickel. I got acting coaches, still my acting coach to this day, this lady named Eva

Charney, who's great. And we made this thing, this whole senior white, and it was really good. But at the end of the day, Rupert Murdoch's kids looked at it and said, and so it was gone. And then Blue Collar went straight to DVD. And then I was back at the funny bone and I'm like, ah! And then somebody explained to me that it didn and it's not over yet, Ron, because that's a really good movie you're in there. And it tests really high in all markets.

And they had decided instead of spending their earmarked $8 million for the push out, and they reduced that to $800,000. For the marketing? To make it kill, to make it die in the theater because they already had deals in Walmart, Target, and everything else. And they were right because the DVD is sold for a million in no time and then spread throughout the land. I mean, I couldn't even walk in a Walmart or something like that

without being completely, I was way more famous than I am now. Mopped. Mopped. And I'm like, wow, wow, this worked. But anytime I did television, and I was in a show called Rodeys on Showtime, and I did some movies, but not big roles. But any time I did it, it cost me money because I'd have to stop touring to do it.

Of course. So I never really cared much about that brass ring because I already had a brass ring and I wouldn't want to put it down to go for another one. I thought I was pretty lucky to have this one. So when I love doing stand- And in acting, I can do it. And I'm okay at it, but I'm a really good comic. And so that's kind of where I always wanted to be.

You know what I ended up doing in April? I wrote this thing that I've wanted to make, and I just paid to shoot it. Because I was like, I don't wanna go through the process of going, and I've pitched before and had deals and shot and I was like yeah, so I just made I just shot it myself It's in post right now with being it but like I just spent my own money to make the thing I want to make Because I was like I don't want it to be in someone else's that's that's great. I could never Make a deal with television either they wanted me to do something

I didn't want to do right or I wanted to do something they didn't want to do. Exactly. Eventually, I did not do what you did, which was make whatever I wanted to make. So I just kept doing stand-up. But ultimately too, the thing is, I mean, I made this thing that I wanted to make and I'm glad I did it, but I'm still like, well, I can't wait to get back to stand-up. I mean, it's just what I love doing. Yeah. It's, you know, I don't even think if I, if this was a thing where somebody was like,

okay, we're, we want to acquire and make these, I would still look at it as cool, I'll do that for a few months, but I don't want it to be my life. Right. You know, I never want to like stop doing this. Yeah, how could I say that number of tiring'm retiring well into the year, but yeah, but that's after how many years of stand up 38 38 years and 10 and tens and thousands of shows and

But you know, it's kind of weird because I want to retire. I I really want to retire I'm happy with the run. It's been a great run and I can certainly afford the retire and do whatever I want. But when I really made the hard decision to retire, I made it really based on the fact that I never thought I would be as good as I used to be. And coming back from COVID, because I had it, I really struggled with my chops coming back from that. And I could still do it, but it wasn't the same thing. I wasn't stepping on them. Something was to miss it. But eventually, I got that back. And I'm now on stage just beating a fuck out of crowds.

And so retiring is still, and I won't quit doing stand-up. I'll keep doing stand-up. My plan is to quit making money at it. What a great plan. And that, because I want to keep my chops in case I change my mind. So, I'll still do Rogan's Club and the Vulcan and stuff like that. And I love going down there and doing those short sets. And if you don't have to live in LA or New York to do that, it's great. Then it's a crazy opportunity to continue to do what I love. But I'd just like to have a fucking Friday

that I didn't have, that I could go do something besides stand up. Because you know exactly what life is. You just don't take weekends off. So you'll keep it as something that you do, but you're not gonna be like, I'm just not gonna be a tour. I'm gonna be a tour guide.

Comin' it anymore. Well shit, after 38 years. Yeah, I'm just, it's enough. It's plenty and, and, there are also a million, I just seems like a million, not a million, but there are a lot. Comedy is in good hands.

I mean, comedy doesn't need me to keep going and I don't need comedy to keep going. But now, you know, there are so many ways like these podcasts to stay relevant and in front of people. Would you do one? No. No. But I would do yours. Okay.

You know, with no effort, I wake up at 1030. Yeah. Eat a sandwich, ham and cheese, Swiss. And come on down here and do this. I'm going to go off in and do this. Yeah. Or Joe's. I enjoy doing Joe's. Yeah. So, ever once in a while. Yeah. Yeah. And but you know, maybe I would do a podcast. I don't know. I can't I can't I don't find myself very interesting You're an interesting day to day fucking basis, you know, I'm just I Don't even know what I would do what I would do I'd like everybody else. How many people do you know have had a fucking a pottery consideration in Mexico have

Eight Iawaska and Costa Rica have owned a jet and a tour bus and have toured the country making people after 38 years. That's not like... Yeah, I know, but indeed, just 17 seconds to say it. Okay, now what? Now what? Okay, he's fucking hair. We'll talk about your hair for the next hour.

How do you have hair like that? You asshole. I don't know. My, my, my, my Twitter, or my, Bumble profile for a while was a hair teeth dick and money. And that's how you got to overlook a little fat, but the other boxes. You got like Fabio hair, man.

It's not fair. It's, it's hair. It's hair. Cherokee. That's my mother's jerky. Really? Yeah. God damn it.

My dad was bald as a bat and so, but you're not bald. You just have a shaved head. Now, right here. So, what's it started to thin up here? Because I don't have the hole in the back. Right. It's in the front. So, once it thin's out here, you look like a dick if you grow your hair out.

You just have like these stragglers in the front, so I just take it down. Yeah, now it looks good. It's a good look for you. I have a good shaped head. Yeah, you do. I don't. I got a lump on one side and a lump on the other side. I don't have never went with a shaped thing, but... Good you have all that hair. I know.

I just fucking rub it in people's face. You sure? Yeah. Take that. Now I love to. I love that you brought into stand up this thing of like I love the story. I'm a huge storytelling fan. I try to do it as much as I can because I enjoy doing it. But you also brought in the like that a guy can be a comic. See

when I started comedy, I thought like you should try to look like shit for some, like, I was like, oh, does this t-shirt have a hole in it? Where that? Because that was in my mind as like, that's what you gotta be like a mess, right? And then like, I would see you and it's like, this guy's in a suit. He's holding a cigar.

He's like a fucking gentleman up there. And then you're on your jet and I'm like, oh, you can be like Living a comfortable good life and still be a great comic, you know And that's that was also like a way of inspiring like the aesthetic of it all that you you don't have to be a I don't know I feel like all of us just started when I did we're like into that like be a bum up there Grungy. Yeah, like look like yeah. And then it takes a while to be like, no, that's not appealing to even look at. I always, I kind of had, and somebody else told me this,

and it was a guy that was a hypnotist in comedy clubs, and I felt very ashamed, but he was the only one at one time, an older guy about 65, and he said, you should be the best dressed person in the room. And I'm like, okay, well, that'll be easy. I think that's what I think. Put on a shirt and tie.

I never wore ties, but I always, wore, you know, always got dressed up for, for to go walk on stage. It felt like part of the process. I think once you put yourself in an audience member's mind, it makes a difference, because you go, who do I want to look at for the next hour? Do I want to look at a guy with like a wrinkled t-shirt?

Or a guy who's dressed nicely. It's like, oh, that's the star, that's the person we're watching. I think it totally does something. Also, I've also noticed that, whenever I'm dressed really well, it does affect the way I perform, like little things,

and the way that I feel like I'm perceived. It's almost like they're like, oh, this is the person in charge. Right. And even if you go to like a house party or something, right? And you have a suit on, everybody's like, okay, this guy's supposed to be here. Yeah.

Yeah, they'll let you in. Yeah, you're the boss, I guess. And yeah, you know, do you ever want to toe cry shirt? Just put on a shirt, dude. Fucking my whole life. Just put on a fucking shirt. Just, you know, it doesn't have to be great.

Yes, but a shirt, you know. Yes. I mean, of course I want to tell them that. It was funny when I was tripping my balls off on Iowaska. You could talk to him, you could talk to mother Iowaska. And it was the first night and I was having a really rough time. And I said to mother I waska and it was the first night and I was having a really rough time and I said to mother I waska or to myself I said I was just hot and she said just take off your shirt and I

said I don't want everybody to know I'm fat she goes they already know. no. How do they know? I had it covered up. I had it draped. I had it. How would they know? No. Yeah, no. He's a...

God, he takes that shirt off. And it's just such a... It's such a pop. You know, people are like, look at this fucking bloated carcass. Not giving a fuck. Yeah. And I guess it's to not give a fuck that it there he is. Yeah he is.

Yeah. I told him that I hope he never puts the shirt on and that he's doing stand up at 65 and 70. So people are like, whoof. Like when he's 70 and distended and. Yeah, it turns into a hang-in mask of good. And he'll definitely have that insulin thing sewn into him, so people will be like, the fuck is that thing?

And I'm like, oh, that's the way he gets insulin. And then he's got another morphine drip on his other side, and they're like, okay, this guy lives hard. He does live pretty hard. Yeah, he guy lives hard. He does live pretty hard. Yeah, he does. Yeah. I wonder if he'll go through a thing like you,

you know, we're hoping like, because he associates himself too as being like the party guy, right? People see Bert and they're like, fucking let's party. Yeah. I have a drink and he's in. He's in and he loves party.

And I was too, you know. Do you do, you know. Do you do it? You know what he does? It's, to me, it's insane, because I'm the, I'm the richer Jenny to his Ron White. He said, I'm always like, I'm good. Right.

But he'll tell an audience which bar he's going to. He'll be like, meet me at old fucking mallies. And then he goes to the bar and there's like a thousand people at the bar and he said, I'm like, dude, I would never fucking do that. Ever. Yeah, dude, I would never if I can do that. Ever.

Yeah, I don't even know if I would do that. I really don't. I mean, I know it wouldn't do it, but even in the day, I kind of avoided the crowds after the show and, you know, it never weighed out to be much good for me. Right. Now it's just, now it's just what I live my little quiet life. And I like it. And you know, travel, I want to see the world, I want to go to concerts on the weekend. Really?

I was off this weekend. I saw two gray guitar players, Monty Montgomery, it's Saxon Pub, it was so, god damn delicious. Here we see Monty Montgomery at Saxon Pub with, oh God, damn delicious. Here we see Monty Montgomery. The guitar. And then the next night I went to a birthday party at, I'm gonna, yeah, that guy is a beast and that little piece of shit guitar that he plays, he can make that thing sound like anything in the world.

It is just incredible. And I was working the funny bone 30 years ago in San Antonio. And somebody took me out to see him 30 years ago. And this guy, yeah, he is a beast. Wow. I mean, a goddamn beast. And then I went to a birthday party over at Van Wilkes House and Van Wilkes'

crazy crazy guitar player. He plays a lot with Billy Gibbons and he had a big following in Europe. He plays this 12 string that has so much harmonic to it. It just sounds like Noah's guitar and that's Van Wilkes. And so that's what happens when you don't work Friday and Saturday. You get to enjoy some, you know, go dig on the fucking tunes and other people's talents and that's pretty cool. Yeah, I was his birthday. He lives over in South Austin, this little house and it's really a, it was just a really cool old school

Austin vibe, but I just had a blast and it was so like great even and I just sat out there and a lot of chair. Dude, I haven't had a weekend and I can't remember when. I know. I can't remember. And I was, they're gone. Yeah. How long have you done stand up?

This is, um, oh, this is 20 years. 20 years. So yeah. Yeah, he clapped another two decades on that. You might be sick of it. I'm gonna say it. What about golf too, right? Yeah, I play golf all the time. That's the dilemma,

because I bought this lot out of this swank new place. We have swankest place in Texas, it's out in Driftwood. It's called Driftwood. And it's a discovery land property. And they make the swankest stuff there is. Tom Fosio comes in and does it. The course is open. I'm playing it.

And probably it's afternoon. And I bought a lot there and I was one of the early people to do it and that lot became so valuable That now I don't think I can afford to even want that one probably that's already paid for and and so I think I'm gonna sell it Yeah, and and so we're looking at houses this afternoon and that would I but my dream was already set to build a house on that but now the lots worth worth fucking $4 million. And let's go. That's good. And I don't wanna, I don't wanna live on a $4 million lot.

Yeah, that's. So I'm gonna sell it just by a house. And we have to own property to keep that membership, but I'm already a membership at Barton, so I'll just play golf now. Play golf? Play golf. Yeah. What are those by the way?

Can I see that? Yeah, there's Romeo, who the heck died? Really? Little cigars jacked with nicotine. They're great. So addictive. Regular, high quality cigars don't really have a lot of nicotine in them.

And not addictive at all. They dump the nicotine into these fucking things like cigarettes, but I didn't know that. So, and I started smoking them on the golf course because if you step on a $15 a garamon, on the, no matter if it's my fault or not, I'm mad at you for three holes. Yeah.

And, or if I leave one behind, it's 15 bucks, this is like 15 bucks for a pack of them. Can I take one? And I take, huh? Can I take one? Yeah. All right. You want to smoke it off, share my ass right? Okay cool, okay

But then I start getting off planes going we're my fucking cigars Hey, I got Rogan hooked on these things Slowly but surely now he waits for me to show up. Hey, give me one of those At some point I'm gonna have to steer him towards the cigar shop. Yeah. Get out of my pocket, Rogan. Right a little spoke. That's nice.

So we're going out this afternoon to look at houses. It's so much fun to look at houses, I think. And decide what I'm gonna do. And when we- I can't even afford to live on your river. It's so goddamn expensive over there. That's too much. And I really don't believe in this market.

I mean, but it doesn't show any signs of letting up. I know. And people are still moving here and I'm like, ah damn, I mean, that when there's a house that we're looking at the saffron in, that in 2011 was $400,000, now it's $4 million. It's a great house, but I'm like, ah, how can that be true?

It's all true. It is true. Yeah. And also the thing, at least you live here and can look when we were visiting to look at houses, I'm not kidding you. You would call, you know, you talk to your realtor and he'd say, hey, so tomorrow we arrive, we'll check out these six houses. They're like, yeah, we'd land and they'd be like three of them

sold today. I'm like, today, this morning. And they're like, yeah, they're like, so they're gone. You'd have to like keep making trips and everything would be gone. It would just be gone. So at least you can, you know. Yeah, well, I kind of nervous about this house that it's only been on the market two days. We saw it yesterday and it's just, but it's in town. And I live right now, I live in a penthouse downtown

of a building. And I thought, and I love it. I mean, it's the coolest thing. The best view, you know, it's the coolest thing the best view. You know it's pretty big about 2500 feet and I have the first three parking places right next to the elevator, lock it and leave it, you know it's but there's an HOA and I've never in this kind of lag living in a frat house and anybody that's got keys to the front door, they got access to your front door. And then nobody fucks with me. And the parking lot, the parking space next to mine in the garage, there was a turd

one day. And I went out of dirt. And then there's only on the bottom floor, there's only about 30 cars that park there and everybody else goes through a different entrance that in a park in a garage So there's only two dog owners down there and the other was a big dog my dogs small mustard is his name and Frinchy So the lady that saw that turn knew it wasn't her dogs turd so it assumed it was my dogs turd so she filed a complaint

Against me for letting my dog shit in the garage and I pick it up I get a certified fucking letter from the building saying that if I don't pick up after might they explain the whole scenario and I got so goddamn mad. I Mean just experience it and I went down to talk to the manager said I want to written fucking letter From every one of these people apologizing to me for their stupid fucking mistake. And of course I didn't get it. Then a few months later, I'm coming in from golf and we'd stop and had a few cocktails on the way home and I was drunk.

And it just happened that they were having an HOA meeting. And so all those people were there. I didn't know about the HOA meeting. We were just going on, and I was walking by, and I was like, oh, let me go talk to these motherfuckers. So, and it was, so what you did was you decided by a turd's size and location, what ass hole it came out of, and who's to blame instead of, whose job isn't to pick up this fucking turd

Which is what I saw when I saw it somebody got to have a job if there's a turd and it's a property and I pay an H.O.A. fee there's got to be an employee that comes by and scoops this motherfucker up my buddies pat me on the arm going Let's go run. Yeah, I'm telling my like, this is at the H.O.A. The H.O.A. with the crowd and all seven of them, the pro-pops. And so it really became fact. Then I wanted to do these things to my unit. And then they just said no to all of them.

They were pricks. And then I did it anyway. And so I liked that. I mean, once I got passed all that and the HL, I loved the spot. I loved the unit. And, but I got a dog. I got to get a house with a yard. I don't live up there.

But I sit out on that balcony and I look straight down the river and the sunsats are fucking gorgeous. And it's nice. It's nice. It's nice. If I don't know what to do. Well, it sounds like, I mean, you got that,

and then you're gonna sell the land of the place you already bought, you're gonna have a nice thing to go shop with. Yeah, oh yeah. Yeah. And then my girlfriend has a beautiful place in St. Canyon and a place in Oxnard at the beach. So, you know, we're like, we gotta get rid of some.

Oxnard meaning in LA? In LA? Yeah, there's a big huge marina in Oxnard that I never really knew about until I met her. It's a jet gang. How long you guys been together? Well, we knew each other for a while and dated for a little bit and then started dating again right around COVID.

So we kind of went through COVID together. I feel like I ran, I didn't know you, I didn't say anything to you, but I was at the serious XM radio offices and you came in, this is like, I feel like it might have been like right before COVID, guessing, right? Yeah. And you had a dog with you, you had the dog with you. Mustard, the little Frenchie. Yeah, little Frenchie, yeah.

You and the lady, I was like, ah, but you know, at least didn't bother you. I don't know which one it was, probably wasn't, Jeanne, if it was before. I think so. Tall, blonde or short blonde. Short, short, might have been Jeanne. Yeah, yeah.

But she's, she's great. I'm gonna run out the clock with her. We're not gonna get married. She got a bunch of grandkids and stuff and she's my age. You know, I didn't really spend a lot of time chasing younger women. I like women my age. She's really pretty. She looks great. You can look great for a long time these days. Yeah.

She was an acrobat. She's really strong. That's awesome. And she, I had to, it's because of her that I won't date women. I can't kill that. I know for a fact I can kill her if I wanted to. I never do it. I never do it. Never. But I would like the option. But she, we'd gone out and she was all dressed up. And I was dressed up and she says, I think I could take you down to the ground. And I'm like, when I stopped laughing, right,

got way 220 pounds, she was 103. Probably gonna be a tough match for you, this time in. And but she was really serious about it. And she said, now I really think I can, well, I would say well, you could because I would never hurt you. So not even if I am defending myself.

And she tagged me right in the chest, knocked me back and she's a grappler and she's strong. I didn't even know like a monkey because she was an, not an acrobatic gymnast. So uneven parallel bars. There was a long time ago,

but she still has that core that's monster marine fucking strong. I had no idea until then. I was like trying to find, I really had to try to get her off me, and but her hair was all perfect, and there was a squirt gun. I used to squirt my dog when he barks at other dogs

on the screen of the TV. And I got it, and I was squirting her hair, and that's the only thing that saved my life. I backed her in to a fucking room where that squirt gun. It was a hundred-per-loment. I back their end to a fucking room where that's where it goes. There's a hundred-poil woman. I'm like, fuck, I'm gonna start checking people out. That is a good rule.

Is the date women you can only kill. Yeah, yeah. Not because you would, but because you know, whether you never know. I have the same reason I don't have a pet lion. I'm like you, though, too, is that? Right? Yeah. Because why?

When you don't have to. Yeah, they can, if it decided to, you know. I'm attracted to women, my own age, two men. I really am. You know, you still look at a young woman, you go, yes, she's beautiful. Yeah, she's beautiful. But I'm not like attracted to them. Right. I see the, I see the, I see the problems.

Yeah. Yeah. I know Lewis Black takes dates really, really young women. I'm like like in their 20s and stuff like yeah I'm like how do you fucking even talk about how can he All right, you don't know how can this what could possibly have a good in this relationship that that's hilarious Yeah, yeah, especially cuz he's like such like an intellectual guy, right? Yeah, I'm done. I know I know I just want to talk to your dumb ass for a minute You're fucking idiot. I'll talk to you

I don't I don't understand it, but you know, but I mean I've been married to My first wife is my son's mom Who's one of my best friends we went see mom, who's one of my best friends, we went to see the concert this weekend together. And her and her husband who I love to death, he's the greatest guy in the world. He was a stepfather to my son. And if you think that's not important, you're wrong. Yeah. Who that stepfather ends up being is the most critical part of your life because he can make

things great or he can make problems. You can't even fucking start to imagine. And this guy's solid. And we raised that boy together, both of his men and a team. And it's so great that we're all really good friends. That is great. And a lot of people just don't understand that relationship, you know, and how important it is. And, but he's divorced too, and he had a be horrible one, because the dude that married his ex was just this gun-wield

and Christian right wing far gone dude, and he has to put up with it every fucking day of his life. Well, now the kids are grown, so it doesn't really matter so much, but. That's crazy. That can ruin your life. Well now the kids are grown so it doesn't really matter so much. That's crazy. That can ruin your life. Yeah, absolutely it can.

So, you know, I'm really grateful that she has great taste in men and they went to get rid of me. And in Hookup with Terry. So those are really important things. But my life right now is, it feels like it's in a really important thing. But my life right now is, it feels like it's in a really good balance. I really don't feel like the need to do anything pressing that I still am on schedule to live the life I wanna live and I'm okay with the decisions that I'm making.

So. You have a very balanced energy to you. Like you're very calm. Not in that, you know, and I know that and that has not always been the case with me. You know, I'm in a better place because it's always been, you know, show business as a struggle. And there's, I stepped in every little land mine, you could, they fucking built, I stepped in all of them, you know, with the ego and, you know, believing

the press and going through the struggles. And then, I mean, I really don't do anything on social media anymore. I have somebody post stuff, but I would just, my reaction to somebody saying something shitty was so over the top that I had to quit listening to people say shitty things. Right. Totally. Totally. And that's how. Now, if somebody wants to say something shitty about me, the only way you could possibly do it is to hire a porn star to write it on her ass. And then maybe I would be looking at that particular porn and go, Ron, why it's not very

funny and on that, wow, right there. Right there. Yeah. So that's the long shot, but that's it. You can't talk directly to me. You gotta really be committed to getting Ron a message. Yeah, you gotta want it, you gotta want it. And then it's still, you know,

at that point, you can't. No guarantee. You kinda salute it though, right? Yeah, I'll listen to it. Is that what her asshole says Ron Whitesucks? Yeah. Oh wow. So what I mean, so I'm pretty happy with the way things have gone I'm proud of I'm really proud of my career, you know, he should be at it and and my favorite thing about it is the

respect from my peers you and man. Because if you don't have that, what do you have? It's everything, and you have nothing but respect and admiration from the comedians that you started with and comedians that are 10 and 20 and 30 years behind. You everybody, like I said, everybody, you know, respect, I love comedians, but it's like, there's nothing like, especially when you've been doing it for a minute and you go like, wow, somebody has been doing this 20 years longer than me and still goes up there and

slays like that is because part of your brain the reason why is that part of your brain goes how is that possible right like when you put out a special you always have this familiar thing that happens you're like how am I starting over again right and it's like it's the scariest part and it's kind of exciting it's exciting at the same time and you're like, how am I starting over again? And it's like, it's the scariest part, and it's kind of exciting. It's exciting at the same time. And you're trying to come up with new stuff. And then you're like, it's never gonna be like it was.

And it always is. Yeah. And it just takes work. It just takes work. But it's always daunting. It's daunting. And that's really the thing. I really, I always think I can't do it again.

Right? I just know way that I can come up with something. I'm never funny. It's baby duck pussy lip tacos. I'm just all downhill from here. Yeah, yeah. And you realize that it's a familiar feeling of like this isn't going to work out, but then you go, wait, but it worked out last time.

And it worked out the time before then. And then you go, like, how's the guy doing it 38 years is? Doesn't make sense. How does it keep doing it? Right. And it's pretty strange. It's not all that common to spend 20 years in theaters and without going back.

You know, and so I think that in a position that, as long as my fans are, you know, they're dying, I mean, they're most thermopreole fans are, you know, they're dying. I mean, they're most thermopreole, but that I could continue to hang around. Yeah. But I don't ever want to be a mediocre comic, you know. No. And to stay, you know, what it takes to keep sharp, you know, every day, you know,

I used to go out in Hollywood. I would do sets every goddamn night. Yeah. And first two reasons. One, that was my social thing. And I love hanging out with other comics. The best. And so drinking in that bar was my favorite bar.

And then be able to pop in and do a fucking set and work on new stuff. And the room was so sizzling hot that it wasn't really the best place for me and work on new stuff. And the room was so sizzling hot that it wasn't really the best place for me to try out new stuff. The best place for me to do it is in front of my fans to see if they think it's funny. Right. If this crowd of people that aren't necessarily my fans,

think it's funny and I'm following fucking Allie Wong, just mopping the fucking floor with him. So you better go out and do some jokes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And but it was just the funnest environment. mop in the fucking floor with them, you know, so you better go out and do some jokes. But it was just the funnest environment. And I loved that. I mean, I had a really cool house in Beverly Hills and it was a fun hang.

But it just came doing it, you know, and where I just don't want to do that anymore. And thank God that, you know, the Joe moved down here and has this vision of comedy clubs on everywhere. And we'd be like, it is happening. You know what that shit works? Yeah, I think like we got his coming. You know, there are obviously like the Vulcan, the Greek, and then there's opening another one at the domain, their open.

It's already open. Is it open now? Yeah, I'm gonna go out there and do a said, it's supposed to be beautiful. They really built it. Helium, right? You know, it's the people that owned the last stop. I don't know what they call it.

Yeah, I think it's a helium. I thought they keep the name, but is it helium at the domain? Let's see, it's, oh, is it, is it capsidium? Oh, capsidium, that's it. But it's the same people that own helium. I know they gave it 4 1,5 stars. I haven't been out there yet, but it's the same people that own helium. I don't think they gave it 4.5 stars. I haven't been out there yet, but I heard it was open. I don't know about the North Star comedy club.

Is that here too? Don't even know about that. It's three stars. I'll pop in the cap. I'm gonna get a cap. What the fuck? I didn't even know this stuff was here. They're all over the place.

It's gonna keep going. Yeah, Cap City, that's right, because Cap City was famously at another location for years and years and years. That was a great place to work. I used to love doing that room. Yeah, I did too. And it used to be turned around

where the stage was on the other end of the room back when it was the, was it Cap City was something else, laughs stop, I room back when it was the, was a cap city with something else, a laugh stop, I think it's what it was. Right. And then it was really cool. And then it would turn it around. It went from one of a kind to one and it doesn't.

Yeah. So, but it was still a good room. So I have to assume this one will be two. Yeah, I can't wait. I don't even know when the open mic nights are, does it say? I don't know. What happens when you click on on their link for that cap city thing? Yeah, click on that. Let's see what they're what they're saying here. Yeah, go to the website. All right. Yeah, helium. Yeah. So helium owns it. And what's their calendar?

Hit the scroll up to the top. I just hit calendar there. Let's see if it lays it out. All right. Yeah. Let's see. It's June, okay. Does it say open mic night?

Is that, I can't read it. You make that bigger? Best of... Best of, that's probably open-minded. Probably is, right? Best of, one night only. DLs coming. They must have multiple rooms

because they got DL and another guy, Sean. Scroll down more. Maybe DLs just doing one show a night. I don't know, I think it looks like he's doing four. And the other guy is Jeff Ross is doing four. But then another guy is doing eight and 10. I think they must have multiple rooms. It looks like Jeff Ross is moving here.

He's there so often. Wow. Marlin. Yeah, so you're right. This is fully operational now. Yeah, they're up and going. So that'll be good in another great option, you know, for us to go It one of the things that about not drinking is it don's on me every once in a while. Oh, I can just drive over there

Wow, I was driven later than five o'clock in the afternoon and years now you can and I was now said it didn't see not to drive at all Yeah, and now I can just get in my car. Nice. And, uh, enjoy the mushrooms. I'll know when I can't. Wait, I'm gonna, I'm gonna hit you up for the, uh, Ioska info, the Costa Rica trip. I think I wanna try that.

Yeah. I'm going to get in first of the year. To do that again? Yeah. I had a bunch of friends that wanted to go with me and I'm like, yeah, this is one of those walk-about things. So I'm gonna go out there by myself first time and see what it is. And so I didn't take anybody.

But this time you're gonna? Yeah, this friend of mine that used to own Patron and we want to go down there. And so he owns a bunch of land at Costa Rica. So we'll probably go down there with him and in his Falcon 7X fucking bad ass plane. Nice. Yeah, this was great, dude.

Thank you for coming by. I was a fucking blast to sit here and podcast with you, man. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it, too, man. And congrats on everything. You too. I mean, I couldn't be more thrilled. Yeah, you can get that in Austin

or you can get that all over the place. So you can it's called number one and you can go to taters tequila.com. We can send it to your house and we've won 16 gold medals with that. It's never been beaten in a competition. That is the finest drink of tequila that I know of. And it's not overpriced because the big boys have a billion dollar advertising budget. And we have me going, Hey, I got some tequila. I'm over here.ed because the big boys have a billion dollar advertising budget. Yeah, and we have me going Hey, I got some to Caleb resale over here. I pass the savings on to you and the and yeah, who's what I love this much Yeah, you'll love you. I love that bottle. So that's a gift to you my friend. Thank you so much Fun to chat with you and let's do it again, man. This will be fun. I'm here. You're here. We'll do it. All right, thank you. All right. Bird. Time. Time and bird.

One goes top and swap the other. Where's the shirt? Time tells stories and birds the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep the clean. Here's what we call to bears one cave. No scripts to bet a booze amateur, Fatology, dirty jokes, Ronti-Humor, no apologies.

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