2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 14 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: December 9, 2019

Today, on 2 Bears 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer talk about what they’re thankful for. After Tom’s “Toast” video with Sam Adams dropped, it got the Bears to thinking about what they should give thanks for this holiday season. We get a sample of Bert’s award winning impressions, interactions with alcoholics and some wild stories about “apologies.”

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which is a huge, huge deal because I'd never, I'm serious in like 15 years, most of the time, there's some, if the underwear comes up, you're just like, I don't know what underwear. I'm going to strip poker in QS when I was in college with these girls and I literally had two articles of clothing long. Just like a shirt and shorts, and I was naked immediately.

That's when I, that's when I, I haven't seen your dick in, it's been a while. 12 years. Dude, I showed my dick before the whole Me Too thing came out. I would get naked all the time. Yeah, I never felt like yours was sexually threatening though. No, I think.

No, I mean, you getting naked. It was never suggestive. It was just like, I remember I was in Hawaii with you, and then you just came in the room, and you just took all your clothes. I was like, what's up? You're like, I'm pretty fucked up right now. And then you talked it between your legs.

I took pictures. I had those pictures. I think I've seen those pictures it between your legs. I took pictures. I had those pictures. Oh, it's a guy. I think I've seen those pictures there on your Facebook. Yeah. You posted pictures on your Facebook. We should, we should use those pictures for something. Yeah.

Oh, that's a great idea. Dude, I am workshopping that joke that the joke that started everything with the black guy reaching my car. Wait, what? I'm working, I'm work shopping that joke for my next hour. What do you mean? I'm, when somebody, what, when... Give me the joke I told on your mom's house a long time ago. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm workshop. Oh, I don't want to lead into it because I don't want people to, I want to be able to work it out. Got you. But I'm workshopping it. Yeah. Oh my god. Fucking so funny. Is it, oh it's killing? It's, well I haven't done it on, I've done it on stage once,

but I'm in love with it. I'm in love with it. It's fun to feel in love with it. We gotta say it, you shot your special. Yeah. So congratulations. How much are you getting paid for this toast? This is on the house.

Last one they paid pretty well. I ended up getting more. You got more? Yeah. Did you ask for more? And they were like, oh fuck it well. I ended up getting more. You got more? Yeah. Did you ask for more? And they were like, oh, fuck it. Yeah, we asked for more. We asked for more.

And he was like, that dude, that's all I got. And I was like, well, cheers. Congratulations. Thank you very much. It's not bad. I'll tell you what, man. Sadat, same Adams makes a good beer. Yeah, it's good beer.

I know that guy, that guy Jim Cook. You know him? Cock, cock. I think it's Cook. Yeah. So he said, so the first, my first TV show, the act show, I was just, I was sucking at it. I was so bad.

And I did one segment that was good called her, her, her part. Yeah. Where we went in and I got her part. Her part's really funny, by the way. I mean, I love seeing people get hurt. And I remember like when, when I first saw that years ago, like when I met you and you're like,

I have this thing, her birth, I looked it up and I mean, that should have me in tears. You getting hit by a fucking bull. Dude, I got mulled by a bull. My favorite thing was when you went to like, arena league football practice or something. I got, I got, definitely got got definitely got concussed like hard.

You can find that online and play it. There's legit me getting helmet to helmet contact where you can see I'm out cold. Like I am. They just told some dude who's never gonna be in the league. You could fucking like that. Ultimate hockey, ultimate fighter, rodeo clown. rodeo clown is terrifying.

It's terrifying dude. They gave me no no preparation for it. Make that for screen. Just look at that. I was looking at how he got that. I was and I just want to be famous. I didn't give a fuck about any art. I was like, just, how do I get famous?

I want to be rich. Yeah. Yeah, this is great. That's a legit size bowl. Of course it is. Oh. Dude, he broke, watch me. I try to use my leg and he broke my foot.

And this guy's like, that guy, the fucking idiot. Yeah. Look, how do we get out of here? How hurt were you right there? Watch me I try to use my leg and he broke my foot and this guy's like that guy fucking idiot. Yeah Look how do we get out of here? How hurt? How hurt were you right there broke my ribs broke my foot? Did your dad see this no? He would be so mad if you listen to it. You can hear how young I am my voice is like I'm up here I'm talking like a like yeah look you can see oh up here. I'm talking like a like yeah look you can see. Oh that broke your ribs. Yeah that broke my ribs and then you see that he is his hoof. His hoof scraped down my leg and he broke my foot. I mean the people at FX had to be so happy right. You can see the hoof

move. Oh yeah. Huff print. Were they so happy that this happened to you? They had to be. Kevin Riley Kevin Riley is like the president of something now He's always been a president of something. We here. We're in a pitch room with him Mm-hmm, and he was reading the list Tom. He's not I mean, he's a very nice guy But he's not like a he's a motive guy like he's but he was reading the list Crying laughing and he's like you can't do this you can't we have insurance for this and they're like yeah Can you believe it? You know what they did little sidebar? They put me down as a

Contestant so I got I got 14 grand an episode to do the show to this show. Yeah, I got paid I remember I got paid $12,800 An episode as an executive producer and like $1300 as a contestant. That's it. I'm not dude. Look at what are you way there? 186. 186.

I'm gonna get down there in December. There's something too that for people watching and listening, if you are what arenaly guys kind of don't give a fuck more. don't give a fuck more. You're like, you're like, we're in like regular pro football players because these guys are like a step slower, but they are definitely, you know, legit athletes.

Bunch of them pop positive for steroids. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, look at you guys. Yeah. Like, who do you want, you want to hit this guy? Everyone's like, I'll hit this guy. They're like,

look how small I look. Dude, this looks like the opening to a gay porn. I would sit there I would watch that scene Like they're just like what you think bitch Like, what you think bitch? Let's get you bored, I would sit through. Oh. Oh my God. We're going to live up pretty good. I'm just kidding.

They're like, oh, that's what they're saying though. Yeah, all right. He goes, he said to him, he goes, you want us to tee off on him? And he was in Tim's like, yeah, tee off on me. He's like, my boy's a lot of them up pretty good. All right. Yeah.

Yeah. Just like, like I'm a big guy. Look at how small I am compared to a professional athlete. Yeah. By the way, okay, hit pause. Look at how small I am compared to a professional athlete. Yeah. By the way, okay, hip-pause. Can I tell you where I fucked up? So this is the second play. This is the second play.

This is where I fucked up so large. They said it's like this, hip-pause. I take a step back and I realize they're not blocking as I step back and I run up the middle and I run for a touchdown. They don't show this in there, but that's what happened. I spike the ball, I do a crazy dance, and that coach comes out to these guys and goes, this is a fucking comedian, and he just blew your doors off.

This is why you are second string. This is why you will never see the field. This motherfucker better leave on a bugging body bag. And I'm like, I'm sitting the end of the one. That was a big mistake. That was a big mistake. And now there's just like, oh, shit. He definitely lowered the crown of his helmet. When we see that again.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. Look at this. Boom. Shit. Dude, do you feel rocked by that? Or you like? By that one, there was, I'll tell you, well one where I was running back and he lifted me up in the air and slammed me. It was bad. This one wasn't that bad. That one, that bad. You gave me the kick to the helmet. I'll tell you which one was really bad.

When I, this one right here. Oh, that's, he just lifted me up and drilled me into the ground. Yeah. And I was like, oh, and I was trying to have fun, but they were like, yeah, I'm a fuck you up, Bert. Oh shit. Dude, this one right here, when I'm like trying to do a field goal. Yeah, he could have broken my neck

I mean watch this watch this I fumble the fucking field goal He can get waxed. That's what he said. I remember this so well He can get really wax from this. Well look at this There's nothing nothing compares to this wasn't that bad. But it's like they're running a full speed to you. Yeah, by the way, I would pay this one, the streaming service monthly fee to watch just the show. You know what I mean?

I have all the episodes. This is the bad one right here. Oh, that's where you can see I'm out. I'm like, aww, what? Were you can custom that? Yeah, 100%. He teed off on me so much. And I didn't see it coming.

Yeah. You know, it's amazing. You really didn't know that was coming? Oh, no idea. You can see me believing I can... I remember the last time I had... There I laugh and at it shit. Subber! He's trying to pep you up.

Yeah. I was so out of it. We went down to Malibu that night. I had dinner with some friends and I was like this all night and they're like is he okay and Leanne's like I think he has a concussion. Yeah that show was so so to get back to Jim Cook with these beers, he comes, we do, heard part, we did the Asquax was the first one we did, right? hilarious.

It's probably the funniest thing I've ever bad, I take that back. The dance videos were pretty good. But like, but it was the first thing I ever did that had like a big pop and I go to work the next day, and he had come down, he was gonna give this, it was right around the millennium, and he was gonna give us the millennium beer. And he pulled me aside, and he goes,

listen, I have this millennium beer that's like $5,000. I put one in your green room, and I went, oh, thanks, and he goes, don't drink it. Sit on it, enjoy it when, you know, for a special occasion. And he was like I got to tell you He goes you forget how little you laugh in life, you know until you have a real hard laugh and he goes I was sitting in bed with my wife last night having a beer and we were watching this show getting ready for today And they put your aspects on and when that lady started playing with your asshole and you kept going your

It's really close to my winger He goes I was crying laughing. He goes I've never laughed that hard in my life That's awesome. Yeah, yeah, so I like that guy Jim cook. I wish I could have done this this what you'll call it Yeah, I'm holding out for t-dos They'll do it right no why cuz I already drink their fucking shit. So what it's a perfect? Yeah, they don't want here's the thing I learned you want if you're dosakis You don't want Mexican drinking your beer you want white people drinking your beer if you're dockies You don't want Mexican's drinking your beer you want white people drinking your beer If you're a buoys or you don't want white people drinking your beer you want Mexican's drinking your beer You got to find the thing that you aren't and then attack yourself to that. That's how you make money. All right

Marketing pitch That's what they all right All right, listen up. Blacks, Mexicans, and whites. Here's what we want you drinking. Oh, holy shit, man. That was a good thing you did. That was fun. That was fun. I mean, I can't believe I let them come to my house. I can.

Because I said no. I said, we gotta find a space to go to. He's like, all right, we can do that. And then I told Christina and she was like, why don't you just have him come here? I was no, I said we got to find a space to go to he's like all right We can do that and then I told Christina and she was like why don't you just have him come here? I was like oh I would I would think you wouldn't want them here. Yeah, she was like why would I not want them here? I'm like because we live here I don't know if you want a production at the house. I'm having a hard time not putting my new house on Instagram

Why why do you want to put it on? I just it's such a natural thing to start recording myself I'm not putting my new house on Instagram. What? Why? Why do you want to put it on? I just, it's such a natural thing to start recording myself. And George and Iler catching me and they're like, Dad, you said the reason we bought a house is because of this. Like, so stop doing it. Think about what you just said. Your teenage children are like, dad, stopped giving away the home address.

The reason we can't stay in our old houses because of you, I said the name of my street, my special one time, I mean, I'm just, I was so bad. You get so sloppy with it, you forget. No, no, you don't. Our old one. The greater you specifically do, Jesus Christ. So when do you start touring again?

Are you gonna tour your old hour in December? Yeah, but but with the whole trying to come back. Try to ride, yeah, try to ride. That's the greatest. When you have 30 minutes you can do, but you have a new 30 minutes. Yeah, yeah. And then when do you,

when do you starting your next big tour? Not for, I have dates coming that I haven't announced yet. I have like some, like some 2020 dates. Yeah. I mean, at some of them are on sale, like the, I have that Vegas kind of residency or whatever, you know? Marage. The Marage for the year.

They're really excited to have you. I'm excited to do it. I was just, I was just with them. And they're like, they came to me like, we got Tom. I'm excited to do it. Yeah, that's great. But then I have like, I came to me like, we got Tom. I'm excited to do it. That's great. But then I have like, I have a couple of club dates and I have a couple other casino dates.

But I wanna announce like a thing, I think, until the fall. Oh yeah. I think so. Okay. You're going right away on that. By the way, Birdie Boyle Tour starts up January 30th. With just, we just started adding, we just started adding a bunch more shows.

I don't know what happened, but a bunch of tickets just started picking up. That's great. Yeah. I love adding shows There's nothing like that it makes you feel like you're doing. I what would you rather? What would you rather? Would you rather have two shows in one night one show being like 70% 70% filled or just one sold out show What I rather have two shows were one is 70% and one sold out but one 70% What I rather have two shows where one is 70% and one sold out but one 70% I Probably want it rather have the one sold out show. I feel the same way. Yeah, that's why that's why I get so aggressive in the marketing I can't stop watching your video, but I can't stop watching your dance video really I love it so much

It's it makes me giggle so hard and I end up defend because some people will go like oh yours is better And then I end up defending yours going no no, no, no, no, no. And they'll be like, no, I think your dancing is better. I was like, we can agree on that. But this video, I watched the making of. Yeah. And watching those girls watch my dance video made me so happy you have no idea.

Well, to me, the greatest moment of the lat, I mean, I will forever remember doing this podcast and showing you the video. And I actually, I said it a bunch. I said it to Christine. I was like, if we never even released it, if it was just to show it to Burt, it was completely worth it. You know what I mean?

It was worth it to do the work. It was worth it to pay to just to have you sit here and watch it. I'm in the car in Cleveland getting ready to shoot my special. Got my whole team in there. We're going to go get somebody to eat, go to the venue, do a walkthrough, do a runthrough, lighting and aspects. And all I'm doing is pitching videos for you. Like videos that I'm going to do my next video.

And I've got to the point where Leigh Ann goes, hey, can you put a pin in this and shoot your special and then I'll listen to every Tom's a girl video you have. I mean you have no idea. I got obsessive. I got obsessive Tom. I mean I wrote a script. I wrote the funniest fucking script on the plane. For your, it's so funny. And I'm debating on casting it, shooting it, and putting it out, and never telling anyone that I did it. Until one day someone finds it and goes, oh, this is it.

You should, first of all, you should make it. Just make it. I could not stop laughing. I mean, first of all, you should make it. Just make it. I could not stop laughing. I mean, the amount of people that told me, I can't wait to see where this goes next, is like, because I already started working on the next thing, where you're actually in it. Oh.

Because I have your face captured so well. Oh cool, cool, cool. And then we take dialogue that you've said before and chop it up. So you have a full speaking role. He does deep-fake the fuck out of me. So yeah, I mean, I have to take out another mortgage, but it's gonna be fucking awesome.

I told, I was on the plane with Leanne, and I was like, you know, do you remember I had a movie pitch for us? Yeah, what is the movie pitch? It was no one's ever liked it, but I think it's the funniest movie ever. Okay, okay, soft pitch, soft pitch, soft pitch. Bert Kreischer and Tom Sagerro get cast in a movie

with Johnny Depp, Pirates of the Caribbean 7. Yeah, okay. That's what the movie opens on that. We are in the middle of the ocean with Johnny Depp, shooting a scene, we gotta sit there all day, and we're just floating in the ocean with Johnny Depp, and we're getting to know him, and he ended up liking us.

And he says, you guys wanna go out tonight and we're like, we'd love to. So we go back to Jacksonville, that's where we're shooting, is in Jacksonville. We go back to the hotel, we go out with Johnny Depp when we have one of the craziest nights of our lives. And then the middle of the night, he says, you know what I need?

Would you guys draw, I just bought a brand new Cadillac, a 1969 convertible Cadillac? Would you drive it to LA for me? And we're like, yeah. And he's like, drive to LA, I'm gonna have a big party at my house. Drive that Cadillac from Jacksonville to LA for me. It would mean the world, I can't do it, I'm still gonna shoot. But then we're gonna have a big party at my house drive that Cadillac from Jacksonville to LA for me It would mean the world. I can't do it. I'm still gonna shoot

But then we're gonna have this big party you guys like you guys know live Tyler, right? I'm like, oh, I love live like just all these great Hollywood names. We're like, okay, great And he's like cool. So the next morning we get this thing and he goes Awesome. I just have six stops I need you to make one and so it's me and you Collecting stuff across the country in a Cadillac for Johnny Depp. He bought a rattlesnake for slash, we gotta go get that at Texas. Okay, he got a wolf, like we have all this shit

in a Cadillac that we're driving, we got a pound of cocaine, we got a bugging, we get, it's just me and you going across the country buying, getting stuff for Johnny Depp where we show up to his house and the party, everything, fourth act culminates there, and it's just, what do you think? It's great.

I mean, we crowdsource it. Did you write this already? No, no, no, I just came up with it. I came up with it a long time ago. First of all, I actually think that you could pitch this to Johnny Depp, and he'd be like, mm, I kind of like this. Yeah.

Hey, stand up. That doesn't work the way I think it is. Ha ha ha. Hey, Doug, can someone tag Doug and then, hey, Doug, can you see if Johnny's up for Greenlight in a project? Can we get stand-ups in it? Because, don't know if Johnny's up front of the stand-up, we got a ton of celebrity cameos. I want Will Ferrell so bad.

This has like, you know, it's like in the lane of like the being John Malkovich, right? Where it's like at the real guys in it, playing a version of himself. Yeah. And some ridiculous thing taking, I love it. I think it's great. I think it's great. I think it would be fun to do.

I think it's a road trip movie, so it'll be, it's all I was like, that translates to to what? Foreign Markets. They love that shit. Overroot. Yeah, yeah. Commonities have like a real decline in features

in the last decade. Yeah. But they always look for comedies that will play in foreign markets, right? Yeah, they struggle to have comedies work there But you're that this idea I think would my first of all a celebrity name like that is attractive to like the all the different This is it's a really good idea. I think it'll be funny as fuck is is all the different stops of all the things We we can pick up across the country and then all the celebrity cameos of the people that are there buying the same stuff is just like it's like great.

Yeah. And we I just need a big end. What we need is that that false fourth. Well saying goodbye to that wolf's gonna be tough. Yeah. You know, after so many days. It's Tommy boy. Yeah.

Yeah. It is. It is. It is. All right, that's our movie, guys. Hey, will you start to go funny to see if we can get people to fun that, and then we'll just pay for ourselves and make it? I don't want to get attached to a studio. Okay.

We can pitch it to the people doing my movie, but I think we just make it. I think we just make a movie. We could make a movie. Yeah. It might be hard to get depth. No, I actually think that's the easy part. You think so?

That's where my brain goes. Oh, that we definitely are getting him. Well, also it'd be fun to have like the scenes where we shoot calling him and texting him like, hey man, we're in Oklahoma City. And then it cuts to him, just getting his dick sucked by some model. Yeah. He's like, oh, slower.

Uh, I don't know. I was soft pitch soft pitch. And then we're like, we're at the house. I don't think your snake's here. And he's like, oh man, you're in the wrong city. And we're like, God damn it, Johnny. He's like, just. You're in your pictures, boys.

I'm in the wrong city, oh damn it, Johnny. But then that adds another day to the trip, which adds a little more time to the movie. I think it would be fun. It would be to who are some actors you would love to do a scene with. A scene like say like say we're going to buy explosives in Waco and we show up to David Kuresh's old column.

And that's where we're buying them. And actor B comes out like your actor, your ooze actors you would love to do scenes with. Uh, Will Ferrell's number one. He is the funniest human being I watched SNL this weekend. Yeah. Did he host this weekend? It is, he is so fucking fun. In the smallest things, the smallest things he can make them so funny. To this day, do you remember in old school when he takes, he goes, well, I really shouldn't drink beer. I really shouldn't drink beer.

I can't help my own beer. Oh, I'm so good with that, get your lips. Yeah, yeah. He just makes me laugh so hard. He's hilarious. Yeah. He would be fun to work with. Yeah.

Um, who's like, Meryl Streep? One of my favorites Oh speaking of because I was thinking of all these guineas but because the yeah But you're you're talking about actors so cuz you just you do really good impressions so Did you see the Irishman? No. I haven't seen it either, but it has so many. Oh, come out tonight.

Come out tonight? Yeah, it's out right now on Netflix. Oh, okay, okay, so let's watch it later. But like, I mean, give me a prediction. Like, so, Puccino's in it. Okay. The Dineiros in it. E.

C. Ah! Well, I don't know, I can't remember which one's which. Joe Pashy's in it. Joe Pashy's in it. Joe Pashy, uh. A. Yes.

Sebastian's in it. You don't have Sebastian out of parrot. What? Have I told you Sebastian grew up with a parrot? No. Yeah. That's ridiculous. I don't imagine. I mean, I just find it so funny. The parrot like people

come over to the house and then they leave and the paracos. What's wrong with these people? I just think that's an animated show. Yeah, the passion in this period. Harvey Kitelles in it. Harvey Kitelles in it. These guys. I'm really bad at impressions. Did I tell you about, oh, I did, I did, I did. What about comics? So you're gonna impress, like doing impressions of comics. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm healing.

Can you do Doug? Say hello? Nope, yeah. It's pretty good. Can you do Doug? Say hello? Nope, yep. A-ha-ha-ha. A-ha-ha-ha. That's pretty good. I have a cigarette. Can you do Ari? Nope, help me, help me, help me.

Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. Yep, that's always pretty good. No, me, me, me, me. Can you do Joe? Ha! I just think of every time he comes out on stage, his hands were up, he's like, Hey, what's up, motherfuckers?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. High energy. Yeah, he did Joey. He did Joey? No, why, what are we, what are we, what's this bit leading into? I just enjoy your impressions. No, I can't, I can't listen to Coxaka.

It's the only one I can do, really. Yeah, yeah. I can be you. Man, that was fun. I don't know. That was fun. That was fun. That was pretty good.

Yeah, what do you have them on Donnell Rollins? I just listened to his podcast last night. How is it? It's great. I love Donnell. He's so funny. Donnell is that Donnell is... This is... Uh, I'm gonna dodge this entirely.

Is this blood? Donnell is... Donnell is... Donnell is the first black guy I met that explained black people to me. Like he walked me through it because like I don't think I think I knew black dudes growing up, I didn't know them like you play football so you probably knew them in a different like in a different level you know. I never really played I played baseball and I'm black dude and I know one of my best friends, Curry Brown, was, I love you, Curry, but it wasn't the blackest dude around, you know?

Like he just was, I mean, he dated white chicks, his, you know, he went to an all-boys Catholic high school Andre Kerwin, like all these guys were not like you meet Donnell who you know waiting on the stoop for his dad to pick him up His dad doesn't show up. Like that's that's his favorite bits he has. My father's picking me up. My father. Yo, daddy ain't coming. Like just, it's, but Don Elk's playing so much about... Black culture to you.

Entirely. Yeah. Like, and I thought I knew it. You know? Right. It's the weird thing about hip hop is that... I think myself and you grew up in grain and hip hop. Like, I love hip hop.

Yeah. But that, just because you listen to music doesn't mean you know anything about it. I think myself and you grew up in grain and hip hop. Like I love hip hop. Yeah. But that, just because you listen to music doesn't mean you know anything about it. It's like German kids who love death metal and then they come over here and they see what again I was like and they're like that's not what we thought we were looking for. Right. You know what I mean? Sure.

Or like the punk scene in England and then you know what you want to know something interesting? This is going nowhere. The sex pistols when they did it they did a big American tour because they were working class England they were like okay obviously we should do a tour of you know Alabama Oklahoma Texas where all the working class people are and that was exactly what I'm talking about is and there was no crossover those all those red necks were like watching Sidvicious cut his Nancy into his chest and they're like, fuck these guys.

And we'll beat the shit out of them on the street. Yeah. I read that book. I don't read a ton, but 28 days on the road with the sex pistols, I think it's the name of the book. Must've been insane. I was in love with it. So you feel like Donnell educated you.

To this day, things he said, he just is such a different person like I think he's got his ear Like even you watch his is to the streets. Yeah, yeah, like the way he talks to you Just No, just is no sleep. I remember him yelling that in the fucking house when we were all living together on reality by vice-back No, just is no sleep real talk talk, real talk, real talk. I'm one time, would they have- What year is that? A while ago now.

There was probably 10 years ago. Like, oh nine? Yeah, probably. I tell me if I told you this already, but there was a crudite out one day, and I told someone, I want you to just go get a cruditex, we're all trying to be healthy.

And they're like, what's that? I go, so make sure of vegetables. And there was like, I would have never heard of a crudite out one day, and I told him, I want to just go get a cruditex, we're all trying to be healthy. And they're like, what's that? And I go, so make sure of vegetables. And there was like, I would never heard of a crudite and Donnell's like, a crudite, what? A crudite, what? And I was like, it's a crudite, go, go, fucking get a crudite. And so they bring it back, and the guy had made one.

He just got in a bunch of vegetables, but they weren't like, he just like, bought radishes and I was like, you know, just buy a radish. Like, you gotta, and then he brought peppers. And I was like, yeah, because there's a little sweet peppers. And I ate one and it was a kid of bought in Habaneros. And I was like, holy shit. And Donnell was like, oh, some white boy can't handle pepper.

I go, Donnell, it's a Habanero. And he goes, I, you don't have a year on me. Give me a fucking pepper, it's not that hot. Put his mouth and his first words were mama. I swear to God. And you, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh I'll tell you the number one difference right now. Black men season the pan, white men season the omelette. Okay. But both Patrice and Donnell will put butter on the pan and then season that buttered pan and then cook the omelette and that. Oh, I cook like a black guy. Do you really? Yeah. Is that you season a pan? if I'm making an omelette or yeah

Yeah, or chicken or something like that. Yeah, I mean I'll also season the the meat, right? But like I'll season that pan. Oh, I don't season the pan. I say if it's an omelette I season the inside of the omelette and it's started up and get it Put throughout it Yeah, okay Yeah, but he had Donald's podcast is really good. Yeah, congrats to him. What is it? It's called the Donnell Rowling show. Donnell Rowling show. Yeah, he's hilarious, dude.

What did you say you have a mirror impression? What does that even mean? Oh, it was better in the moment, I think. So we were talking about shaving our assholes. Yeah. So this is my, you know how like you always go, mirror, mirror on the wall. Who's the fairest? Oh, yeah. It's such a bad joke right now. you always go mirror mirror on the wall who's the fairest yeah so when I shaved my asshole I put

the mirror on the ground and then squat over it and shave my asshole over the mirror so this is my mirror mirror mirror mirror on the wall who's the fairest of the mall oh we're not shaving the asshole today are we oh god oh god no here we go Oh, we're not saving the asshole today, are we? Oh God, oh God, no, here we go. I'm gonna fuck up, I'm gonna fuck up. So you just saved me a hair, right? That was a better, a bit. Is this part of the new hour?

No, no. No. How will you be so ready for touring in January? If you just shot this special, which again, congrats, you said to WinCrate. You're very excited about it. How long was the set by the way? 61 minutes.

Perfect. Yeah. That is perfect. 61 minutes with a pause break is gonna be about 70. But. But so do you feel like you'll be taking out like a half cooked hour? No, I think I write a lot quicker.

I write bass a lot quicker than the average person I think. Yeah. Yeah, because and I think the other thing is, one of my bits is fucking, one of my bits is gonna be, you know, seven minutes. Right. So it's like, I, like for this last hour I just did, I wrote it all within probably the first month of getting ready. I wrote it all and I was like, wow, I feel like.

And now you gotta work on it. Yeah. And then you gotta work on it and fine tune it. I'm gonna do it just to a bunch. I think I'm gonna do a know you got to work on it. Yeah, and then you got to work on it and fine-tune it I'm gonna do it just do a bunch. I think I'm gonna do a bunch of spots at the ha ha really yeah I don't want to go to the store with nothing, you know, cuz it's like it feels weird. It really does I think the store ultimately is a showcase place. I don't want to do it kind of is yeah, and so have you had bad sets there? Very I remember like the first really bad set I had there after it was like, I was, you know, working there feels fucking horrible. It feels highlighted there. You know,

I mean, it feels heightened. Yeah. Because it is ultimately the place where like everyone's there. Everyone. Yeah. Like every comic working in big name, then there's like just, it becomes like, it's celebrities are there. Then it becomes such a hot spot that like, exactly, like, you know, I'll finish, I'll do a spot, go home and then next day I'll get a call from like my manager, oh, you know,

it was there last night. Oh, fucking, you know, the head of NBC, the this director, it's just like such a spot. That yeah, I do feel like when you go there, if you really are in a real working space and you go, I just want to like try stuff. Really, the only room to do that there. For real is the belly room. Like the belly room you can go there. Even on Jeremiah's stand-up show, like you'll see, by the way, I'm not, I'm speaking broadly, I'm sure I'm inaccurate, but I'm saying,

sometimes you will see guys like me and you or Joe really truly go up with nothing and try to write. Yeah, with some guys, some of the like, maybe lowered tiered guys, definitely go up and do material, because then that, that for them is there. They said, bother me so much. I used to get so mad at Ari.

When he, when he did, this is not happening. Yeah, so originally, he was like, this is a storytelling show where you're not supposed to do a story from your standup. You're supposed to tell a new story. Yeah. And I was like, so it's not from your act. It's not from your act.

I go, so it really is this authentic genuine story. Like something that I don't actually say, yes. He would lay it out. I'm like, does everybody know that, yeah. And then we would go to these shows and like half the guys would be up there doing material. I was like, did you tell them though, that they're not, he was like, yeah, I told them,

but they would get that fear of like not. I saw it. We had a storytelling show in New York City in 1999, me and DC Benny and Ben Bailey. I think Ben Bailey and DC Benny ended up continuing it, but me and DC started it in this room. I forget the name of the room. And I told in that room, I told like probably

three stories within the first three weeks that ended up in my first special. It might be my first special, but we, Shepel walked in one time and they told him no material and he was like, okay, and he's like, just stories, something you haven't told before. And I saw, I saw Shepel even start to bomb and be like, mm-hmm, pulled out and did bits. Yeah. And was like, yeah, like, do, ah, what do rock-a-man sound like?er bands sound like? I remember going like, it's hard for the average comic to just fail. Yeah, it is.

The story telling is, it's failing. Which is the best thing for you as a comic is to watch an established guy fail. Dude, it's the greatest, and it was wonderful for you. It's what stinks about the main room now, is like the main room is such a fucking hotspot that you go in and every one murders. I mean, everyone murders across the line.

So then you go in and people will come around the world to come to see you do stand up there. So then when I do the main room, I'm like, I gotta take my shirt off because I feel like these people paid tickets to they saw the lineup and they're like, oh my fan, this is when I'm going. I wanna see Joe and Tom and Bert,

and Bert's gonna take a short, oh I got the ultimate night of comedy, Bill Burr was there, you know? And so that's why I take my shirt off in the main room and I don't wanna do unprepared material in the main room. I wanna do it at the ha ha where I can let it fail and find out where it just gets the little spikes, we're like, ooh, I could work on that in a big room

and it'll get a big pop. Yeah. I love writing. I like writing more than I do. I love doing a special. I don't even like doing a special. I feel like this is, this right now, what I have and you have right now is like,

it's a week or a couple of days after you shoot a special and you realize I have to go back to square one. It's, now it's familiar, the feeling's familiar, but what the feeling is, is that it's terrifying, but in a weird way, like comforting, because you go, I know I'll be able to do it, but you still have that feeling of like, I'm back, I'm back to nothing.

I heard someone talk about having legit writers block. I've never had writers block, I've had like, I've been uncreative block. I've never had writers block. I've had like, I've been uncreative, but I've never had writers block. But I think that's because when you go, when I write on stage, when I go on stage, I get so much energy from being up there. I mean, indeed, I could really, I think, just without being prepared, I would end up writing at least three jokes on stage, just in panic mode, you know? Yeah, in a panic, you'll say things.

I'm not going on stage this week. I'm gonna go on stage next week. Yeah, I took a week off. Yeah, and that crazy just one week and then you started all over again. Yeah. Where you gonna, what joke are you gonna be so happy not to tell again?

Let's pull out the list. Because there's a few. I'm so sorry. Cause there's a few. I love, oh, I love like not doing the bit. Like I have a bit that was like a response bit to every, a reaction bit, to everything that I got like in trouble for. Oh yeah.

So, but I just, I always felt like towards the end, I was like, I'm just like, so over like, now the bit became so flushed out. Yeah. And so like, to a T, you know, well constructed, that I had to do it, but I was exhausted of saying it. I want to do a bit. I want to do a bit on alcoholics. Okay.

Yeah, like I'm obsessed with alcoholics right now. Are you reading the book? No, no, no, I'm very clear. Drew told this to Liam, but I'm very clear to myself that I am not an alcoholic in the sense that when you watch broken human beings, like really genuinely broken, broken dudes who can't control themselves,

and they spiral out of control, and they do really detrimental things to their life, their future, their success. Like I was obsessed with it this weekend, I had a little bit of a run in with an alcoholic and I, and a good one and a bad one oddly enough. I one guy who's coming out of it and he's got like 15 months sober and then another guy who's in the throes of it, he's just, and it's a mess and you know so funny. Is there guys you know?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, guys, I know, yeah, you know, so funny. Is there guys you know? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, guys. I know, yeah, I know a lot about, that's the other thing. I was obsessed with this. This is, I mean, I don't know if this is where the bit would ever go. When you drink like I do, you run into a lot about colleagues. And so, and, and I think a lot of people just

tether yourself to you because they see me working and being successful and drinking a lot and then they go on that guy. Right. And then you realize when the not to sound egotistical at all but when when they stop running I continue running and so the and then one day they look up and they're like, wait, how did he get up there? And he's like, oh, he's not, he may drink a lot but he does work and family are the most important thing to him.

It's not just getting loaded and fucking, being a piece of shit. I have had a lot of people make amends to me. Really? I've had a lot of people make amends to me. One of them happened this weekend. I won't say anything, but one of some guy sought me out to make amends.

And I, I have so often just been like, but like, no, no, no, you're good. You're good, dude. We all partied. I had we partied. I fucked up too. And then this guy was like, no, no, I, I'm here to, I need to do this.

And then I went, oh, the last time I saw him, he was a fucking piece of shit. Really? It was a tremendous, like,. Really? Really? Really? Really? Really? Really? Really?

Really? Really? Really? Really? Really? Really? Really? Really? Really?

Really? Really? Really? Really? Really? Really? Really? Really?

Really? Really? Really? Really? Really? said, um, yeah, the, the amends helps them heal. Absolutely. You know, absolutely. Yeah. And then I was like, wow, that, that is a really cool step. Well, like, it's like a, if I apologize to somebody for anything, no, ep. I don't do it. You've never apologized.

I don't. You've never said, I'm sorry. I said, I'm sorry to Leanne. Like, I say, I'm sorry to Leanne and stuff. Like, if we fight, I don't normally say, I'm sorry a lot. Okay. I don't like, I'm not like like there's a couple people like, you know, here's the thing, this is by the way, this is super coded.

Like you'll know what I'm saying, and some people will know what I'm saying, but there are people that maybe I have done something wrong to and they have done something wrong to me, maybe it's back and forth. Yeah. But I would never apologize because I don't want that person in my life. Yeah.

And so I don't, I am not sorry. I'm glad it worked that way. Yeah, but that's different because that's everyone. No, no, no. I'm saying what you're talking about when it, like what you just said, is one reality that is true. There are some people that you go like, I'm not sorry, in which case, the feeling wouldn't exist to apologize,

because you don't, you don't feel like. I'm really strapped to think if I've wronged anyone in a bad way. Like see, here's my problem is I think, I don't like confrontation. Yeah. The only thing I'd ever be guilty of is talking shit behind someone's back, but it's never horrific. It's just bullshit. Yeah, we're in comedy. Yeah, like, like,

like, rock, fuck. Like you like, like, when you shopped in bring water to a hot spin glass, you know, and I'm a fun of him behind his back, I think he'd probably be hurt. If you heard the way I'm joking about him, because he's such a big boy. Yeah, he's just like, hey, kind of sub your water. And you're like, that's not how it works'm joking about him because he's such a big boy. He's just like, hey, kind of some of your water and you're like, that's not how it works over here. Somebody's just like an athlete, he's like, oh, I want her.

So, but like, it's a good impression, but. Yeah. But like, that's the only thing I'm guilty of, really, I don't wrong people. Yeah. Like, I mean, I'll tell you, the biggest hiccups, like a fired frosty go to UTA, that hurt, but I'm not sorry for it.

No, no, you made a business this year. This is a really interesting, tell me when, like, who, who, who, when, if you're wrong, someone where you felt like you need to do apologize, not your wife, I'm talking like a man, like, we were like, I should call that person up and say I'm sorry. No, I think of like, yeah, I mean, it's,

I think about like, Jesus, who's the guy that drinks here? I mean, I'm trying to get myself in shape. Really? Yeah, yeah. No, I drove, I'm like drinking and driving. Keep going, keep going. I like talking about apologies, how much time have we done? It's on this screen.

Oh good, good, good, good, we have time. Let's talk about apologies. Yeah, I'm trying to think, I mean. There are people right now in my life that have wronged me recently that I'll never accept their apology. Really? Never. I'm one of the most vindictive human beings alive. When you, you know, that's why, that's why,

that's why the R.E. thing was so... Is that how you're talking about you? No, no, no, no, no. You know what, I don't know, I'm crazy. Obviously, for, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I thought he did that to me because he thought I was weak. And as soon as I believe that you think I'm weak, you are dead to me. Yeah. You're dead to me forever. Yeah.

And I think it's because I'm a very trusting, I put myself out there kind of guy. Ari, I didn't think Ari did that for that reason. I don't know why he did it. I still haven't really figured out What his purposes or motives were I don't I'm I always hope that it was just to have fun, but it's such a fucked up thing to do to someone Georgia So I've been working to try to you know make sure that Ari and I my relationship is not broken Yeah, you know, we can be friends. Yeah, so I really love that guy. I'm really do it

He's forever whatever one everyone thinks about him. Yeah, you're wrong He's a very sweet. He's a numbschool. Yeah George saw me texting with Ari last night with you Joe and Ari. Yeah, but it was Ari that was came up She goes why would you text him and I went Because I'm he's just asked me a question. She was like, don't text him. Put your phone down. I went, what? She was dead. He almost killed my dad.

Like, put it down. I went, holy fuck. Hey, you don't think about it. I don't think about it from a little kid's perspective. I almost, like, I could have lost my dad. And you're like, I'm like, my god damn it, are you going to make me do so much fucking work for you? You can't. But see, look how much I'm doing for, like, God damn it, Ari, you're gonna make me do so much fucking work for you. You can't. But, but see, look how much I'm doing for, like this is where, this is where I get vindictive,

is like, I know Ari is a good person. I do know that it's in there somewhere. I know it. He may be a bad guy, but he's a good person. He's not a bad guy. But like, I'm doing the work to make sure that we can fix it. Certain people, wrong me, darn dead to me. You gotta tell me who these people are.

I'll tell you one right now, happen this weekend. Fucking, oh my, oh dude. Fucking have a little fucking awareness in life. Have a little bit of fucking awareness in life. That's all I'll say is like, sometimes it's easy to forget stuff, have people have stuff going on, you know? Like maybe someone texted Brenda Shob, something shitty this weekend and forgot, oh he's having a baby, you know? Right. Maybe like give him the day, you know? Like, but this person knew what was going on and did something to me and I went, that's

crazy. That's funny. I would never do that. And that, you represent your one person to me. I see a bunch of other stuff, I stand up for you and then you rep, do to me, okay. Then I guess I was the fucking asshole. I had a, this one, I would put this in a special, this is one of my favorite stories ever. I know I've told you, I'll tell you one more time for people listening.

Leanne dumped me like 15, 16 years more time for people listening Leanne dumped me like 15-16 years ago 17 years ago Leanne dumped me we'd been dating for two months and she dumped me I Was wrecked I was fucking wrecked, okay, I wide she dumped you Okay, okay toxic females fuck you. Yeah Okay, fucking toxic females fuck you. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Women can rape men, I don't know. Whatever the fuck I said, I don't know, man.

It's one of those, by the way, I actually said sorry to all those women. I said sorry to all them, but one who wouldn't accept my apology. She wouldn't? She's a really big director in Hollywood. You really? Not accept my apology. Because she was at the party and she was like, Everyone else accepts my apology. You're like, you're a dumb kind, like every other broad. No, I don't know what I said, but she just was like, I don't need you in my life, I don't like you.

And so, I don't need to accept your apology. And I was like, I thought that that's not how it works. She's like, now that totally is how it works. I'm an independent woman who has his own life. And I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. And so I don't need to accept your apology and I was like I thought that that's not how it works She's like now that totally is how it works. I'm an independent woman who has his her own life And I don't know you and I don't like you and I'll never like you. So that's that. It's a good luck with life

And I was like So she's still I'm wrecked. I mean I I mean Tom the lowest I've ever been. Was it after this dumping? I got dumped. She dumped me in her kitchen and I didn't realize it was happening until it had already

happened and I didn't stop it and then it had already happened and I had a panic attack where I felt like gravity disappeared and I was gonna be lifted into space and I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And I got my car and I started spiraling out. I started and I was like no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no Tom was took an inflatable exercise ball into the shower It wouldn't fit through the door so I had to deflate it bring it into the shower and then re-inflate it So I could cry on this medicine ball. I was such a fucking mess Sobing crying I then would I move my bed into my closet so no one can hear me cry

I couldn't stop crying. I love I said to God you give me this woman back and I won't fuck it up And that's the reason I don't cheat on my wife is I was running down outpost by Ben Affleck's old house and I ran by his house every single day. And I was, just once, why didn't he come out just once and go, hey man, you wanna beer? And then we could have been best fucking friends. Yeah, you can. So, and I said, God, if son was setting, I said God,

if you give me this woman back, I won't fuck it up. I won't cheat on her. I won't do anything to fucking wrong her. I'll make sure she's happy. I'll be the greatest fucking guy I've got done that jog one at my house and the end was sitting on my bed. No, it's like God are you listening? Oh Jesus, but She came back came back came back now Two straight days I cried I get a phone call from my hairstylist my hairstylist is this guy in Hollywood who does all the celebrities at the time and he lived in Santa Barbara or something and he'd come down for one day a month. So when you got that one day, that was the day you got your haircut. So they call and they're like, hey he's

in town. And I was like, okay, he was friends with really big drug addicts, right? Yeah. He had been clean off heroin for like 15 years. So he calls and he's like, I'm gonna haircut. And I'm here to cut hair and I go, I'm in a bad place, I just got dumped. And he was like, Hey, nothing tears someone up. Better than a great haircut. And I'm like, okay, he goes, come in.

Well hang, we'll talk. I'm in a really good place right now. Well hang will talk. I'll cut your hair You'll feel better. You'll look better. That's what you need today. I went okay. I've been crying for two straight days I get in my car. I drive you up my haircut. I walk in. He has a pool table in his play in his in his salon And he's on the pool table drinking a beer and I'm like, huh, I thought he was sober So I go over and I was like, hey man. And he was like, oh, let me get you a beer. You like beer, right?

And I go, yeah. He's like, let me get you a beer. I was like, okay. So he gets me a beer. And I go, I thought you were sober. And he goes, yeah, crazy thing, man. I just started drinking beer again. He was like, you know,

he goes, it can't be that bad. It can't be that bad, right? He's like, my problem was heroin. It wasn't beer. And I was like, yeah, my problem was heroin. It wasn't beer. And I was like, yeah, your problem was heroin. And he's like, yeah. So we have a beer, have another beer, and he's talking to me about this, have one more beer,

and he goes, let's get your hair. No, he goes, hey, what are you gonna go to the bathroom and smoke some weed? And I'm like, have weed? And he's like, yeah, it wasn't my problem. My problem was heroin, it wasn't weed and beer. What about my ninth grader? Come on, man, let's go get high. So problem was, I hear him and it wasn't weeping beer. What about my ninth grader? Come on man, let's go get high.

So we go into the bathroom and I watch him suck down a joint. Like I've never seen someone suck down a joint. Just, and I was like, my, I think your problem might have started in marijuana. So we get out of the thing. He then puts me in a chair and I said, and I, he goes, so what's the big problem with this chick? I said to him I go her friends think I'm an alcoholic and he goes, okay, this is very important. How many people have said that to you? And I said, well just just one and one of her friends maybe two.

He goes, not three. I said, no, he goes just two. I said, yeah, and he goes, let me tell you a story. If someone tells you you have a tail, fuck them. They're crazy. If two people tell you have a tail, you know what, they're teaming up on you. But if three people tell you have a tail, turn around. He then supersedes to cut my hair with a razor blade. With a straight razor.

With this thomana razor blade, as he's doing this, and he's highest fuck, and I'm drinking a beer, watching him fucking ruin my hair because he's back on drugs. Just like, we don't have a problem, bro, and he's straight razor cutting my hair. It looked so bad. He cut my bangs to here. He left me a tail.

It was such a bad hair! And cut my hair! Cut my hair! It started crying! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Fucking alcohol is stuck. Ha! Ha! Ha!

Ha! I remember getting the, uh... The apology email from someone I hadn't heard from a year. Right? Well, I didn't realize what was going on. So I put my first album out in 2010 and it was thrilled, you know, the best album ever. And so I put it out, I get email from this guy, he sold me the drugs that I OD'd on freshman year in college.

And so I had, and he got real upset when he knew that like police came to the hospital and they were like, where did you get them? And I didn't, so I was like, I bought them, I don't know, somebody, but he called the hospital room and tried to threaten me over the phone. Whoa, what a garbage human being. So he was like more concerned about his ass,

you know, getting in trouble. Holy fuck. And I was like, I didn't sell you out, dude. So, and this is somebody I was like friends with. So that's why I was like, I guess I sell you out, dude. So, and this is somebody I was like friends with. So that's why I was like, I guess I'm not friends with this guy anymore, you know, because he was just concerned that he was gonna get in trouble.

So, anyways, it's been, fucking how long at this point, like 10 years or something, since I've heard from this guy, and he's like, hey man, this is like direct, like Facebook messenger, or I guess emails or whatever, it's like, hey man, this is like direct, like Facebook messenger, or I guess emails or whatever. It's like, hey, how are you?

And I'm like, good. Like what's up? He's like, just wanted to say, you know, I think I really handled that poorly. Like what, and I don't realize what? I'm like, what? And I go, yeah, I'm not, it's all right. And he's like, I just really want to do apologize. And like, as I see that, I'm like, oh, he's going through this.

He's going through the steps right now. I was like, oh, I didn't realize. I go, hey, man, that's very nice. I really, I forgive you or like, you know, no problem. So I'm glad, just, that's really nice of you to reach out and say that. But I don't hold any hard feelings over. It was crazy.

We were in college. And then he's like, and by the way, I see your, because I made the album cover, like my artwork, and like my profile. He was like, congrats. I guess you're a singer now, huh? And I was like, what?

And he's like, you're not a singer? And I go, no, I'm not a singer. And he was like, looks like a singing cover. I'm like, you're not a singer? And I go, no, I'm not a singer. He looks like a singing cover. I'm like, yeah, I mean, you don't get, it's a parody. And he's like, what's a parody? I go, I'm a comedian, I do comedy. He's like, oh, okay, well that's great too. And you can just tell this guy must be just buried by whatever he was going through but

Yeah, putting together that someone's apologizing for that is always like a Caution of guard the guy that did it this week really caught me off guard and I then I had to see it in person Yeah, he just walked up to you. He's waiting for me after radio I was like walking out of the radio and he's waiting in the lobby and does he live there? Yeah He was like hey, and I didn't recognize him at first and he was I was like hey, I was like fucking out of the radio and he was waiting in the lobby and does he live there? Yeah He was like hey, and I didn't recognize him at first and he was I was like hey, what's up? Oh my god You know initially I'm like give him a big hug and he's like dude. I just want to I came to apologize And I was like no, you don't have to apologize. He's like last time I saw you. I was pretty out of control And I was like yeah, you were he was like no, no like

I'm here to apologize for that. I was like, you don't have to apologize. He's like, no, no, no, no, and that's when I dawn on me and I went, I mean, I couldn't tell you how bad he was. He was, I never thought he'd come out of that. That's just amazing. I've had so many, you know, so funny too. I've one of my really close friends that has had a legit drug and alcohol problems,

like, for his whole fucking life. Yeah. And I have been distant from it. So I only see him, I only see him like every once a year, but friends that live in Tampa have witnessed it a lot. And when I get angry at them that they're not willing to forgive him. Oh, they're like, you're not here for this. And they're like, you're not here for it.

You don't fucking see it. You don't know what he's doing. And I'm like, guys, it's dot, dot, dot. And they're like, yeah, yeah, you don't know him anymore. And I'm like, oh, are you sure? Yeah. Then they tell you a couple of stories. That's my A-A meeting would be like,

they're like, all right, Bert, now we're gonna say we're sorry. We're like, oh, no, sorry. I don't know what you're talking about. I got no apologies. You sound like you're primed for the program. I'm like, dude, I keep saying to myself when I look at guys with legit substance problems, I go, I, this is myself when I look at guys with legit substance problems, I go,

I, I, this is gonna sound so fucking crazy, but I go, so you're telling me they can't not drink. Like, they can't, like say, they're getting ready for their Netflix taping. They can't say like two weeks out, go, hey man, I'm off. I'm gonna, I'm gonna quit drinking. I'm gonna, I'm gonna get, I'm gonna get healthy. I'm gonna go to some yoga classes. I'm gonna go to some hot spins. I'm not gonna drink'm gonna quit drinking. I'm gonna get healthy. I'm gonna go to some yoga classes. I'm gonna go to some hot spins. I'm not gonna drink on the flight there.

I'm not gonna drink the night before. I'm not, no matter what great stuff happens, I'm not gonna drink the first night of my taping. I'm not gonna drink the second night. I'm gonna wait until it's over. And then even when it's over, go, I mean, I'll drink today. Did you drink after you saw the drink?

I drank on stage late, so. Yeah, it's best. It was the best because I was like, I hadn't drank. I hadn't drank, you know, all of October on stage, which is so bizarre. Cause I always say I never drink on stage late show. Yeah, it's best. Yeah. It was the best because I was like, I had a drink. I had a drink, you know, all of October on stage, which is so bizarre, because I always say I never drink on stage, but then, Ha ha, then you do!

Yeah, I totally did. I totally did. Like I didn't realize how until I didn't really didn't, how often I just go to get a drink and I go, whoa, that's not there right now. Yeah. And then so when we did, it was right after one of my bits where it gets like a good like a pause break

And I went over and I grabbed a sip of my drink and I went We're home free. Yeah, yeah, it's a great feeling. It's a good feeling. I would be cool. They read Reimagined how to do specials. I had it really yeah, like like I had beer. I had a beer after that I had it such a great late show. Did you? Well, the first show, I was livin' on my kim off stage. Which was a good show. It just, you didn't weren't happy with the lighting. Yeah, but that really throws me off though.

So, from the moment I walked on stage, if you walk out there and the first thing in your mind is like, I really don't like the way this is lit, and then you do a whole set. You come off and they were like, that was great. I was like, I fucking sucked. I was in such a bad mood. And everyone was like, and I was like, you know, what we went through this in rehearsal. Why is it so lit up? Like, it's not how I'm, I performed this way. This is all I want is just to perform

the same way. Of course, we make the adjustment to the set. And also my monitors, which I was like, I was like, that's not loud enough. And then the guy comes up, this is between shows, he goes, oh, the monitors aren't working. I'm like, so I'm not crazy. So you have all that going on, you know, but the second show went fantastic. The lighting was great, sound, the crowd, everything was great.

And like when I walked back into that green room after the second show, I was like, get me a beer. Like, you know, get me a beer, and then I was like, go ahead and get a bottle of urban from somewhere too. So we just started to just, that type of unwinding feels the best. Oh, I cried.

Really? Yeah, I brought my whole team in. I mean, I did, I did, the last time we did a two bears one cave, I was, I had gone to hot spin, I was running late, I wanted to get here and I needed to do intro reads for my podcast and so I went on and did my intro reads, and I realized, you know, it's just like, you know, like the littlest trigger will catch you

where you go, where I go, hey guys, body shots were, Bernie Boah-Wah tour, and then I was like, oh my God, I'll never say body shots were tour-cats. Yeah, I've got emotional, and I cried doing that read to that podcast. You did? Yeah, because I just, it was like, it's like, look, very candidly, for whatever small amount of time that I've gotten to experience, because I was like, it's like, look, very candidly.

For whatever small amount of time that I've gotten to experience, this touring and theaters and having a tour bus and hanging out with the fans and selling to, like, meaning like, when I say selling tickets, I mean like putting up promo videos and putting tickets on sale and then replying to emails. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we just opened a second show. Like really being in this part of the business

is a Amazing dream come true. Yeah, and it's not lost on me because It started when I was older and so like there was a I mean you got I mean All the way up until I was like what maybe I started selling tickets at 44 43 Like I'm a grown man and I was wondering what's gonna be you are on the phone with me a lot where I was like You know, what do I do? Should I stay in the clubs? You're like, I think you got another year in the clubs and when we're talking about Philly. And so it's not lost to me.

So I'm very, very appreciative. I'm probably more appreciative than the average person, only because I'm older than the average person that had the success show up. And so I got emotional on the podcast and then we get done this special and I know I got it And so once you knew you got it you're like you're like there's a huge flood of emotion I bring everyone upstairs and I'm like I'm like that everything that's going on in my life This this stupid fucking podcast everything's a dream come true. Yeah, it's awesome If you would told me when I could get in the business that I could do this

Yeah, but this wasn't people understand is this wasn't an option. There was no option Do you know how many times Tom and I hung out for free? Like do you know me times we just sat and by the way I had the same hilarious conversations of I'm going you burp a lot Like but like this was not an option and then here I am a day before Thanksgiving and I just happen when they're coming in and bringing reads and then like we have this many reads and I'm thinking, God damn it man, can you believe this is our job? Did I get to sit across from who they will agree is one of the funniest people in the world and for just for an hour it's the greatest it's the greatest life in the world.

So I got emotional in the green room doing the toast to everyone. It was and I've been emotional all green room, doing the toast to everyone. It was, I've been emotional all fucking week. Yeah, it's great. I, it wasn't my die. It's, but, now this, it wasn't lost to me. I actually went,

and I mean it sincerely, when I did that, the Sam Adams toast. Yeah, I actually, I really meant not, not just what I said to Christina, but I meant what I said, leading up to it, that acknowledging how great you have it

and expressing gratitude to me is like, in comedy, it's never celebrated to be sincere because sincerity is mocked. We're all dicks and we're like, what are you fucking serious? And like, it has changed out of time. It has changed a little bit. But when I did that spot,

I was, I was, you know, they used the cut the thing down to 60 seconds, right? But I'm sitting there telling the guy, I was like, you know, I go, it feels like what happens is when you, when you have some success in like what we do, everybody goes like, it's all you man, you fucking made this happen. And then after a while you go like, yeah, but it's not.

Like it, the, your success is really, you're a driving force in it, but it's people all around you, right? Like you have a great wife, you have great kids, and then you go like, you know, I'm lucky that I have this agent, this manager, I'm lucky that I have great guys that I work with. Here, I'm lucky that I have, you know what I mean? You start to go like, I'm lucky that I have friends,

I'm lucky that I'm able to do that. So I actually enjoy that, because you can get so tied up in going like, well, how come it's not the next thing though? Why isn't it a bigger thing? Then you stop and you go, what we have going on is amazing. Yeah.

So I don't know, I feel very grateful for it too. It's crazy. I always say, you got, like someone said, I was putting a sweatshirt up the other day and I heard this phrase surround yourself with surround yourself with successful people and you'll be successful surround yourself with shitty people and you're shitty and I was putting the sweatshirt up that I'd worked out in Into clean clothes and I went oh, that's just like a sweatshirt. Yeah, and I was like oh life's like a dirty sweatshirt up that I'd worked out in, into clean clothes. And I went, oh, that's just like a sweatshirt. And I was like, oh, life's like a dirty sweatshirt.

Like you just, if it's dirty, you throw it with a dirty clothes. I believe what you're saying to be 100% true. Dude, surrounding yourself with bad people has an absolutely negative effect. And surrounding yourself with good and successful people has a really positive effect on your life.

Dude, 100%. Think about the people, and that's why when I say, when I say that I'm vindict, no, we're not. What are you a fucking chick? Were you just have a sip? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I have a feeling you're trying to get me to do Sam Adams toast for the fucking guys

over Sam Adams. I'm done. I'm done. Yeah, no, but if you, if you, if you, like you, like, like, that's why I say when I get vindictive, right? So like when you, when someone wrongs me and I see who they really are, I go, oh, I don't want your dirty laundry. I don't want to be around dirty laundry.

Dirty laundry creates more dirty laundry. I want to be around good people. Yeah. I always said if everyone could have you as a friend, they'd all be successful because so many times when I didn't believe in myself meaning, and I don't mean that, like, I always said if everyone could have you as a friend, they'd all be successful because so many times when I didn't believe in myself meaning, and I don't mean that, like I didn't think I was funny, but like business decisions,

there are business decisions that it is, they're really hard to make, because the average comic will be like, let me just stay where I'm at, I'm comfortable, I'm safe. Right? Doing the truck, that was the number one thing. I remember you were like, you should go to the truck, and I was like, I'm good. You know, they're good to me. It was funny. I remember calling the promoter Yeah, I called the promoter that I worked with and I go you should work with

She worked with Bert and he was like really and I go yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah I go he's definitely good for at least one there at least one and he was like he's like, okay, okay. And because we had talked, and I called him afterwards, and then to think now, like what you can do and filly. I mean, we did the truck, I think we did six shows at the truck. And it's, but you need people like that in your life, because so many of us trying to ourselves with shitty people, you need people that can lift you up.

I remember Rogan one time, where at his house for his birthday party, and he's like, you to be here? And I was like yeah, he sits we have a beer and he says you need more money at those clubs And I was like what he's like what you get paid and I told him and he goes yeah, you deserve more money But you would as a comic you never believe that in yourself But there's some people that believe that they're bigger than they are and I think those I think I don't know Maybe that's good or bad, but like you you need those friends around you to go, hey, man, you should be doing this. You should be doing the next thing. You should be doing the podcast.

You should be doing this because without that, I would never, I don't ever believe in myself. I just be sitting on my fucking... No, all that, that those positive people, what happens is, they're contagious, man. It's a contagious thing. Then what happens is, you receive it from somebody and then you become that friend to somebody else. You tell that the next guy, you're like, you should be getting more money for this.

And that guy's like, oh, really? We were in the green room the other day. And this is before your video dropped. But we were just all bullshitting. And I'll say this out of respect. But it was me, Chris Porter, Taylor Thomas, and other people. I don't mean to short-change anyone. And we were talking about the business,

and I thought, in a previous era of comedy, people wouldn't be sharing every single one of their secrets, but then here I am going, no, no, no, no, here's how my business operates. This is how I'm working. When we talked about that girl, Hannah Stocking, I've talked about her twice on this goddamn podcast. I'm like, who is that again? She's just so fucking funny. Who is this? She's a girl. She's on Instagram. You're pull up Hannah Stocking.

She's beautiful, but like she just, she's really funny and the way she does her business is like pretty clear. It's like, you know, I put on a costume. I then here go back Go, how do you know you know from Instagram? I did I did a thing with her on YouTube. Oh, she's beautiful She's cool as fuck, but she is legit funny. She could definitely be on SNL and But they all these YouTube kids that's her right there. Yeah, she's gorgeous But all these YouTube kids just share that each other's secrets. Like there's no secrets. They know, I know, I saw a clip of Ethan had on the what's that guy's name, Casey. Nice that. Yeah.

Casey nice that Casey nice that they're straight up just talking they're like, would you get paid for that? Yeah, how much money do you make on that endorsement deal? Yeah, yeah, because for them, the secrets are the secrets are bad. Because if you don't tell the other YouTubers, then they don't know what they can get. And then they start fucking playing wanting us each other. Dude, Casey Neistat is probably him

and this guy, Mr. Ben Brown, are the two impotuses of me changing my business model. Those two guys, I saw them. I was inspired by the fact that they had cool cameras, and I'm sorry, keep going. I was inspired by the fact that they had cool cameras, they were editing cool videos, and they were representing their lives

in like a fun kind of way. And I thought I have a fun life, I have a fun group of people. You have become the promo king. Like your thing for like just announcing an added show is like beyond what anybody else does. I mean, you have drones, you have fucking marching bands. You'll come out of the pool.

I'm like, what the fuck? And they're like, what's this for? They're like, Columbus. Like, what? But I mean, it becomes that. But that I'm sure I know actually has inspired other comedians too, because people start going like, holy shit, man, like you can do this.

I'm like, yeah, I just put up a fucking graphic. I mean, Columbus. If people people if you does so funny because I looked at your pro your promo And when I saw the dates correct the first thing I do is I go look at those dates and then I was like Whatever the next video is I guarantee you the shows at it shows at it shows at it Yeah, is that all it is is getting out for people to know you're coming all I want you to do is see me do stand up That's it. Yeah, that's it. I will do everything in my power to get you to is see me do stand up. That's it. And I will do everything in my power to get you to come see me do stand up. Yeah.

I will do anything. You want me to get my ass wax, talking to my ass wax. I'll do it about a fucking plane. I want you to come see me do stand up. That's it. That's how I pay my rent. All this free content, that's it. It's all for stand up.

It's all for stand up. Yeah, I agree. I agree. My agent had this thing where he's like, I never seen this because it was actually, I go, oh, this now, I knew what he felt like because the first time I experienced it, I was like, what the fuck?

Which was, we were after my taping, after the late show, we're done, we're out at a bar having a drink, but a big group, this guy comes up with the shirt on with my shirt. He was like, man, I was at the show, I had a great time. He's like, I never even like, you know, I don't really watch standup,

I didn't really, I wasn't, you know, looking like, I don't watch specials or anything, he's like, I'm just like a big podcast fan. So I just came just to see you because I love the podcast. I was like, all right, thanks man, I really appreciate it. You know, it took a picture. And he walked away, my agent was like,

isn't that crazy that he was like, I don't watch standup and I go, yeah, but then you realize that like with the podcast, some people, that like some people watch sit at home and they watch specials, they're like, I love standup. Some people, they're like, you know, I know that you're a standup, but I like that you do this.

Yeah. And I'll come see you because of the other thing, but I'm not like a standup guy. That's, I get so many people to go, this was my first comedy show. I always go, they get so much better. Like do not, don't, like, what do you say?

I always say that, I go, go see Tom or Bill. I never say that. I'm like, it's all gonna suck from here, dude. You think, think about those kids that are YouTube kids who go do a live show and they sell out Alive Why I knew and those aren't stand-up fans those are just fans coming to they'll go for a mean great Yeah, they'll go for a mean great look if we can get the weekend trick people

Yeah, coming to see us to do stand-up by fucking some two dumb dumb dance videos Yeah, yeah, and people are like fucking dude that made me laugh. I'll go see him the other thing I gotta tell you from the dance video. I like it now that that it's been out I don't know when has this come out one one day December okay that just this being out like a couple days I heard from people I haven't heard from in years oh yeah both in my personal and fucking famous actors. You know what I mean? People in comedy who I was like, I'm talking to that guy.

Mark Wahlberg. A number of people were I was like, what? And they're like, that's the reach of something crazy like that. And then the behind the scenes thing came out. I heard from more people. Yeah.

It was really an interesting experience. Dude, that video bumped my, all my videos up. Remember when we talked about, when I, when I, you first put it out and I go, if I, I go, if I put one out, it will spike the original video because people will wanna watch it. Yeah.

It's, it's crazy because I think, you know, I, I don't know. I, I, I just look at it like, I just look at it like, all this is good. Like I, you know what I keep pointing? I want Joey Diaz to put out a dance. Oh my God. I mean, a lot of people were saying too, because I, you know, I said in the behind the scenes thing, I was like, this was Bird's idea. I was on board.

If we had just done that for October, it would have been epic. Like if that would have been just the thing we did. If, once again, if Joe Rogan is listening, Joe, if you wanna break the internet. Oh, he puts out a dance video. I'll find our backs. Yeah. Country, line dancing.

Yeah. Oh, he put out a video, it would get like, immediately, 20 million. He would, it would, do you realize like my reaction to your video? Yeah. Can you imagine if Joe put out a fucking, Joe comes in with tight jeans, cowboy boots outside his jeans, a cowboy hat and a piece of straw in his head pulls up and he's like, oh, it's all in mother fun.

Yeah. When a narran, a narran, a narran, a narran, a narran, a narran, a narran, a narran, a dude. That would fucking break me. I would laugh. I would, I loved that. It was super fun man. We gotta do more, we gotta do, we gotta come up with another challenge.

We gotta do, and I think we should do, by the way, like some scripted, like, or like reality content for our YouTube stuff, you know? Yeah, I don't, I mean, like, I think there could be, I think that we should definitely do more challenge videos, like just go out and do stuff together and challenge each other and just shoot them. I think the other thing is there's fun organic things

is like, there's so, the reason that the dance video, not to like suck each other's dicks here, but like, the reason the dance video was so fun for us, was that it was just out of organicness. It's true. Like you didn't tell them, there wasn't manufactured. You know, holding onto that was like the most fucking, like I could have put it out like a 10 days before

and I was like, no, no, no, I could just hold it till I can sit across from them. So, we know much fun we're gonna make in this movie. Yeah, should we do a go for me and Johnny? What we should do is we should do a go for me and then whatever we raise will match. Okay, okay. Let's see how that goes.

Yeah, I like the idea. How would you think we could raise on a go for me for that movie? If we, how much do we need? There's an art to getting the go for me set up. It's not just like, hey, we have a movie idea. Do you want to go for it? Call Rami, call Rami right now.

Well, call Rami right now. See if Rami can direct this movie and how much it would cost to do a road trip movie. Okay. All right. How long? No, I'm called Jeff Thompson. I can see if he can do it super cheaper.

Okay. We can get Jerry Me right in our movie. You think he can? Definitely no. during me readin' our movie. You think you can? Definitely not. Huh. What if we just filled our movie with all me two people?

There's a number of people that call it the comeback. See. Right now he's driving down Malibu, PCH, doing coke with some whore suckin' his dick and his BMW. Now I know Don Sures. You're a call. Okay. Oh, real quick. A lot, one of the things that came from the video, a lot of people have asked for machine shirts.

Yes. So are we gonna put it out? Yeah. Yeah. I kind of get we gonna put it out? Yeah. Yeah. I kind of get a thick boy nation sweatshirt. Those were all over at my taping. Oh really? Everyone was wearing them.

Great. Yeah. Well, let's do Muh Sheen shirt. Do we add the stains or just a regular? You can put your own stains on it. We'll just make them clean. We'll do a Muh Sheen shirt. Go burp burp burp for all the new dates, right?

We've added a bunch of shows. I think we're at, I can't really say, but I think we're adding a bunch of shows. So if yours tickets were sold out, go check it out. Okay, TomSegor.com slash tour for the dates that I have on sale. We'll be adding a few more. And that's it, man.

Congrats again on the special. Love you. You got a drink after you all right see you next time not a chance in hell that they'll keep the clean. Here's what we call, two bears one cave. No scripts to be the booze amateur, fatology, dirty jokes, rancher humor, no apologies. Here's what we call, two bears one cave.