2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 140 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Sal Vulcano & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: July 4, 2022

It's another week of 2 Bears 1 Cave and Bert Kreischer welcomes his guest bear Sal Vulcano! They talk about performing on cruises, compare friendships, and gambling. They talk about how Sal grew up, how Impractical Jokers blew up, and surviving the pandemic. They discus their flaws, having fun bombing past podcast appearances, and why no one should get a full set of new teeth. They talk about the infamous George Brett story dumping in his pants, Bert describes his own misfired dumps, and Sal has a hard time comprehending any of it. https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://www.bertbertbert.com/bertyboytourhttps://store.ymhstudios.com/

I'm going upstairs about to go to my bedroom. I'm broke. I lost all my money gambling. I have $10 a chip. Put it on 11. It hits. I get 360 bucks. And that feeling.

And I only know this because I think we had Aila like a week after or before. It's like having a daughter. It was better than having a daughter. There's so much better. 100%. It's a good point about abortion. So I think we should get rid of it too. I don't do that as good as Tom.

Tom throws me to the bus. You didn't even let me, I was going to piggyback on it. You were like, yeah, hello. I'm sorry, I leave my conversations because I want to get it out of the way. It's the most important topic up top. Do you ever feel lucky that you have the impractical jokers? Um, yeah, every day. No.

I said, I saw, no, I really wish I could go back to potential securities. I said, I saw, I saw David Spade in Chris Farley and I was like, I was like, God, man, that would suck to be spade who loses an ultimate comic for you. Like an ultimate comic for you. Like a guy that you gel with, the ultimate, right? The ultimate. Yeah. And then I was like, man, I hope I get as lucky.

And as the middle of saying that I went, oh, I have Tom. Like I have Tom. And then you go, oh, I got my guy. I just got to make sure he doesn't die. And I bought him a race car. So I'm not certain that's going to happen. As soon as I got him the race car, I went, that might not have been the best idea.

Yeah. But do you ever feel like that? Like when you go, okay, okay, okay, okay. When I get people race cars, I, generally, if you had to pick one impractical joke, But do you ever feel like that like when you had to kill, do a practical joke. Starting with this, I had to kill too. If you had Murray nosies dead, Murray, we've been banging that drum for a decade. We've come a long way though.

Oh my God. Oh, fucking. Can you believe, I I was you were playing at the joy theater Do you remember we did that right after the impractical Joker screws? Yeah, what a week that was I've never had I haven't had I haven't had fireball since that day. Are you serious last time I had fireball So what a blast that cruise was on you really brought your you really brought all of your I was worth the $10,000 you paid me we paid you more than $10,000. That was my deal. I was I was happy to have it. I was very happy. I thought we gave you 25,000. You can call Nick right now. I'm almost certain it might have been 25. Yeah, I'm pretty sure I was but I was I was I'm I I'll tell you what, here's the deal.

If you pay me money for like a private or something like that, right, I feel like I'm getting away with it. Like I felt like I was getting, by the way, it's a great deal. At $10,000, I felt I was getting away with it. I was getting a free cruise. I was getting to hang out with a bunch of great comics. I don't normally get to hang out with.

Right, right, right. And I was getting introduced to your fan base. Yeah. And I remember being like, I remember being like, I'm gonna make my, I'm gonna, I'm gonna make my money's worth. Yeah. And I remember being like, I remember being like, I'm gonna make my money's worth. Yeah. And I, I mean, I was out of my, I never spent, and I had a great fucking room.

I was in the game, yeah, yeah. It was nice. And I spent all the time down the thing. I drank with everyone all day, every day, and that last fucking night, that last night, do you remember gambling on the floor? Oh, yeah. Mama needed a very short. Yeah.

I was so fucking drunk. I wasn't there, but I heard from everybody. It was epic. Yeah. It's a fun time, man. We just finished the first sober October. Yes, that's right. I was skinny.

I felt good. Yeah, because the crews pulled away on November 1st. Yeah. November was because we got to New Orleans on Halloween the night before. We celebrated my birthday on the boat. Which was all crazy. Yeah, and my birthday was the 6th. Yeah.

Yeah. And then we were doing a joy the day we docked a birthday bash. I mean, I went so hard on that cruise that I lost, I come 100% lost my voice. You're not. You always feel like you're losing your voice, though. Do you ever notice that? Yeah, well on the cruise, certain. And if I do like a long weekend,

if I do like a five-show weekend, I'm losing it. I lost my voice. Tom never loses his voice, because he didn't speak. He has no energy. Like he never, I've never heard him shout. I've never seen him like lose his temper. I've seen him lose temper. I've seen him lose anyone editing this. I've seen him lose his temper. I've seen him lose temper. I've seen him lose anyone editing this.

I've seen him lose his temper. Anyone that's, anyone that's works for a, he looks like he can lose his temper. But he does, he's like soft spoken and he has a nice way about him. But he also like if I was his kid, like he looks like he could turn a switch and be like scary, you know, like, you know,

be really like if he was pissed off, I'd be like, oh shit. He, Tom's got a vibe where it feels like you, you could walk in, you know, be really like if he was pissed off, I'd be like, oh, shit. Tom's got a vibe where it feels like you'd what you could walk in. He'd be breathing heavy, covered in blood like. Yeah. I got out of my stuff. I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry about this. I'm sorry about all this. Yeah, it all happened so fast. So which, which, you say you kill Mer and then it'll be you and Q. Yeah. I mean, I guess. I'm using Q, I mean, Q tomorrow actually in Vegas, we're going to AEW, a wrestling pay-per-view double or nothing at the T-Mobile Center. For real?

Yeah, we started. I don't know if you're like, you know, wrestling I got into it again a few years back. And now AEW has been out on for like the last two years. It's like, and they're connected with TBS, but true. Yeah, of course, of course you know what I'm talking. Yeah, Cody Rhodes. Yeah. It's like the only connected with TBS. But true. Yeah. Of course you know what I'm talking about. Cody Rhodes.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Who just left it went to WWE. But I know. But I got all the back yard scoop. Oh, do you? And the day the day that he knew he was,

maybe I shouldn't say this. Right. But as soon as things started going in motion, he talked to me and maybe Rosario. Okay. Alright, me or Rosario, like pull us side and was like, here's what's going on. And I was, I've always been a proponent of, of the business is business.

You gotta do the biggest thing for you. I think that's understood in the wrestling business as well. Yeah, oh, 100%. Because I was talking to Jericho a little bit right after that because he was a guest on our show and he was like, yeah, you know, you had to do, yeah, I do for your family and your life in business, you know. Yeah.

So you get that. I thought I was under the impression. I guess I was just ill-informed that Cody was like, had a stake in the company. No, he did. I think he, I think he is. I heard that he was just literally like, you know, independent contract. I don't know.

Oh, maybe I'm incorrect. But so that's why I was surprised that he was leaving. But anyway, I have had a relationship with WWE for like five or six years. Really? And yeah, we tried a few times to do something with them. I was a correspondent at WrestleMania and did some fun stuff with them. I know all the wrestlers like, you know, friends and stuff and I'll go hang out in the back and this and that. But we never really got to do like a natural storyline I mean, did some fun stuff with that. I know all the wrestlers, like, you know, of friends and stuff, and I'll go hang out in the back and listen to that.

But we never really got to do like a natural storyline or something with them. Yeah. And Festival would now eat it, it was on our network. A lot of our friends are over there, and we've been throwing it around, and they are kind of into it. So now we're like talking to them

to see how we could do some type of like storyline. So, yeah, so we are, you know, Q met Tony Khan, who is like the owner, who owns the Jacksonville Jaguar's like like crazy guy. And yeah, and so we're like working towards something. So I'm going to fly to Vegas to like showface and see their paper view and hang out. So what's the weekend in Vegas, look like with you and cue? Because I'll tell you what a weekend in Vegas with me and Tom looks

like, yeah, as we get there Vegas with me and Tom looks like. As we get there and I'm at the bar and he walks up to the bar and he's like, you're already started. Okay. And I go, yeah, what are we doing tonight? He's like, I got reservations at the nicest restaurant in all of this is Tom. Yeah. My reservations for the nicest restaurant in all of Vegas.

It's really hard to get in. I pulled a favor. I had Rogan call the chef, the chef told the manager, the manager's getting us in, but you gotta dress up, do you have any nice clothes? I go, I have t-shirts, you know, mother fucker. Okay, all right, don't worry about it, I'll make a call. Then he says, tomorrow morning we're gonna wake up, I got spa days treated for us,

and then we're gonna go over to the mall, they've got a Rolex store, I got us a private showing, they've got some pieces pulled out for us, we're gonna go there, then I and then I figured Later in the day, there's got a great poor steel like that's wait Tom Tom sets up a weekend Wow, so I am along for the ride and then I go you have a drink with me and he's like oh one drink I go let's do doubles we do doubles and then he's like mother fucker and then and then I get him off the rails

Okay, but he is very specific about a good place to eat. He'll wear a, he'll wear like a nice blazer to dinner. I won't do it. Okay, we have a walk me through you and Q. Okay, well, I'm a mix of you two. Okay. You are a mix of me and Tom. Yeah, because I will make that reservation. Okay.

I will also in this day and age now, try to get like a private area for a pool. I don't go in the public area. It's too much of a scene. I'm always, I've been private my whole life, and I don't even like that my whole life anyway. But I can't, like you guys, like if we're getting a restaurant, I asked if I can get in the corner or in another room or something, you know what I mean? Just because like, especially in Vegas, that's like right in line with, you know.

That's your brand. The demographic. Yeah, your demographic is. You know, and I can't, and with us, it's like, it's like, I imagine you're going through this real hardcore right now because you are used through and through and you put yourself out there and your family and people feel like they know you.

And it's not like you're someone where they see like, oh, I love that guy, he's in a movie. He's in five movies and like, they still no like, you don't have to feel that no filter connection. And you you encourage it. This is your so you'll you'll relate. It's just like there's no barrier, no filter, no anything. It's I know you. We're already buddies. We could be buddies. I know how you are. I want to be the way you are. You're like, like both feet in, right? Yeah.

Tom sets up a wall. Yeah. He knows people know that when they see him, there's a wall. Don't go talk to him. Okay. They know that about him. Well, that's people have emailed him and said,

Hey, I'm sorry I looked at you with the airport the other day. I knew you. I didn't mean to look at you. That look he gets. Yeah, it's because he, but he's got like a like a, like a, leave me alone look. Yeah. It's just his look. It's not, you know, yeah. So, so you're a mix of both. So like I, I, I have social, like, I don't want to,

like, I don't want to attention. I want people yelling. I don't people videoing me. So I do, I try to do everything on the sly when I'm there. But, well, you know, I'll go to, I do shows. I like using Vegas of what Vegas, I don't gamble. Okay. I don't care. I don't care about gambling. I like giving other people money to gamble.'s fun like I like taking a thousand dollars Go into a table. Yeah, and giving everyone a hundred bucks and going hey guys bet reckless without a hundred bucks I love that feeling that's fun because it for me to lose a thousand dollars doesn't ruin my life right right to win I put it I put someone knows a real number. I'm my numbers are all off I put a someone knows the real number, my numbers are all off. I put $100 on 11 one time and it hit $125 on 11 and it hit.

And a five brand or something? Yeah, a $3600. It was four brand or something. Yeah. And I, and the only good part of the story is, I was the only one at the table. It was just me and the dealer we both had masks on. And I got to witness her eyes, realized I had put $125 on one number.

It hit and all I saw were her eyes. She was Asian, not that that matters, but she was an Asian lady and she went like this. Like, oh my god. Like, yeah, and I went, and then I went, I gave her 500 bucks, and then I, but it didn't feel like I wanted it to feel. Yeah. I wanted it to feel.

I remember when I, I remember right around when we had the Ila, we were, I was in Olvegas, like on the strip, and I put, at the end of the night, I put $10 on 11. I was walking up to my room. I had $10 chip. Why is that your number? 11 is my number.

So it's been my number. Doubles are always my number. I'm crazy. If I see double numbers, I do a little prayer. If I see, I look for double numbers every time I was stuck on the treadmill, I see zeros all across and I go boom, we're hitting out of the park today. Okay.

Double numbers were my thing. I was 22 in high school for baseball. Eleven's always been my number. I was 111 for when I was in safe ass sport. So 11's always I'm going to put $10 on 11. I'm going I'm going upstairs about to go to my bedroom. I'm broke. I lost all my money gambling.

I have $10 chip. Put on 11. It hits I get 360 bucks and that feeling. And I only know this because I think we had Iowa like a week after. I remember or before having a daughter, it was better than having a daughter. There was so much better. It was so much better.

It was so much better. It was because it was instant. You weren't waiting nine months. It was just there. Instacratification. Instacratification. And the only thing I feel close to that now is like when I did last time I did Vegas by the way shout out I'm in Vegas September 3rd and 4th

or Vegas Atlantic City Atlantic City 3rd and 4th. I'm in Vegas July 15th at the really? The year of the Virgin. Yeah. Oh, you're gonna love that place. Really? It's new. I third. Yeah. Yeah, it's fucking awesome. Okay. It's the old Hard Rock whatever it was called. I'm at the hard rock in Atlantic City. No. September 3rd and 4th. Um, we have a great Rolex hook up there. If you're interested in Rolex, you know, I, I don't do the watch thing. I, I, I, you were shoe guy when I first mentioned. I do the shoe thing. I mean, what you look at these, you know, those ones, but these, I used to be a shoe guy. I am a shoe guy. But these are just, these are my favorite shoes of all time. I'm going to wear those.

Yeah. I know, I'm still a shoe. I got like a couple of hundred, two, three hundred pairs or whatever. But the watches I never did, but I did finally do it once. I had my dad with me in Vegas. And we went to the Royal Store. I bought us both Royal X.

Right now he's 76. OK, my dad's 74. Yeah. So you bought you both Royal X. About three's 76. Okay, my dad's 74. So you bought it you both. About three years ago, he was with me in Vegas and I was like, I wanna buy my dad a Rolex. I wanted to buy him one, you know, like one of the, but I would you buy what did you buy?

Chilini, Selini. Type it in. C-E-L-L-I-N-I, I got him one that's like black face with like diamond, little diamonds in it. And I got mine like a classic just white face silver with black strap. So I ended up, I got his matching, matching ones. Oh, nice. That's really nice. Yeah. Kind of like that.

So, so what, what a not that specific one, but like, like, uh, I guess there's different versions. But yeah, so I just was like, I did that. I just like an experience I always want to have. Did your dad have money growing? Did you have money growing? No, nothing. What did you dad do? My dad, well, he had a lot of jobs all the time,

but he was New York City Sanitation. And then he also- Off you, off you. No, everyone thinks that- No, no, no, no, no. He was legitimately, you know, the city of New York Sanitation, man. Yeah. And, he was legitimately, you know, the city of New York sanitation man. Yeah. And then he was the superintendent of the apartment buildings we lived in.

Okay. Shout out to that Leanne did that. Yeah. No, Leanne was the manager of the apartment buildings we lived in. Yeah. So we got free rent. Yeah, he got the free rent. Fucking awesome.

She was on call non stop. She'd be having dinner and someone would come down and be like, I mean, the littlest things. I'm having a panic attack. And she'd be like, I mean, the littlest things. I'm having a panic attack and she'd be like, okay. Oh, my dad has so many great stories. Really? Like he was everything. So like he had, oh, there's a smell coming from this one.

Can't get in knocking, can't get in. Get to ladder. Goes second floor through the window. Goes in dead guy in his bed. Just bloated and everything had to call the cops and all those kind of stories. Like he's seen some shit from that. Where did you back? Do you grab that grub of satin island? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. What did your grandfather do? They were both in the army. Really? Yeah, and then retire and then came home and my grandpa was

like a mechanic. In the army in World War II. Yeah. And then move out to Levitown. No, I mean, I'm not sure. No, but no, but like, remember, they made those houses. My grandfather was in the army. Oh, my grandfather, your grandfather. Well, the arm was fake. What did you, what did your grandfather do in the storm of the beaches of Normandy? No, but he saw actual front line war. He was one of my grandpa's dead. My other didn't, but he um, dead now. Oh, it has to be. He, he, you know, he passed six years ago. Okay. 96. Wow. Right before his 96 birthday, my grandparents are like my best friends. Really? Yeah. Yeah. I never, my grandfather's. Oh, whoa. No way. No, the close thing I have to mean to my grandfather is he kept a diary in World War II and my dad, my dad has it,

my dad photocopied it and sent it to me. And it was, I don't mean this, I mean, I guess everyone in World War II is dead, so I mean, it's comically that. Maybe not necessarily. So, I mean, I guess there's something like probably a hundred year old dude. Yeah.

I'm not sure he's into podcasts. You never know now, it's dead ubiquitous. Right now, he just Google World War II and two bears like games. podcast. You never know now. It did. You're big with us. Right now, he just Google what we're doing. So he said his diary Andrew said, so we're tomorrow doesn't sound that bad. We're going to somewhere called Omaha Beach. I'm kind of curious to see what the beaches in France look like. Oh my God. I had no clue. I had no clue. He was going. He was part of that.

He was doing it. I can't imagine being on the boat going, all right. We're pulling in the Omaha beach and he's like, I want to be a beach. He's going to be bad. This will be nice. Maybe we'll hang out with these little bit. Yeah, my shorts.

Yeah. Damn. But he was that generation that moved to Levitown. So Levitown was set up for GIs. Okay. It was the initial track housing. Okay. So track housing was Google it real quick, Austin. He came to Brooklyn, my grandpa, and then from Brooklyn to Staten Island. Okay, he came.

So yeah, after the war he came to Brooklyn, he was young. Oh no, he then he went, he went and met my grandmother in Puerto Rico. My grandpa, that's right, I forget you're like, Park Cuban dude, right? Cuban in Puerto Rican, yeah. Oh wow, I always thought you were Italian for somebody. Half, okay.

My dad's Italian my mom said, yeah. But he wasn't, he wasn't Papa New Guinea and like literally like on the ground war, like, you know, like same thing. He, I have, I take his stories with me. That's one thing I'm doing actually for future generations of my family. I'm writing and recording all the stories I've heard

from my grandparents and my own, something I want just to pass down because they get lost. They die with them. If I don't retell the stories, he told me, know what is hearing them, you know, it's just wild. And he told me those stories growing up, I've heard everything 10 times,

but I, because I wanted to. Yeah. So it's like, I really, really want to pass that along. Our kids can, you know, our kids, kids, kids, can watch our podcast and stuff too. But I really want to like, I feel of, of, of DIRTH in knowing about my family. Yeah, and my family that came before me Like I really do so then tell me about your family before you because I know Tom's family were a llama shirt shirt shepherds in

Peru, okay, they used to run llamas up to the top of much of Pichu grab Cortezone mushrooms and then bring them back down Tom's whole family. That's crazy because my family did the same thing. But I don't know. I don't know. I don't know as Tom's mom's proven. That's all I know. I farced a lot.

That's all I know. I know Tom's dad was in Vietnam. I know Tom's dad was a power lifter. I know I've listened to because we're both, I think we both have very close relationships with our dads. I know more about Tom's dad than I know about Tom's mom. I take that back. I know that she has a tightening group of,

of proving friends in South Florida. No, that's proving. The, well, they, I mix up some of Tom's family with my other best friend, Weecho, whose dad was a white dude that married a proven. Okay. So I mixed the two up. But will you tell me about your family? Well, I don't really know much past my own grandparents,

which always bothered me. And I was a kid. When I was younger, I got a notebook, and I started interviewing my grandparents. I have that somewhere, and I have to get it. I was trying to do a family tree. I bought like a I got a notebook and I started interviewing my grandparents. I have that somewhere and I have to get it. I was trying to do a family tree. I bought like a book at like Barnes and Noble about tree tracing your family tree and everything.

I've always circled these, but I'd never done it. I asked to be on that show, would they track your family? I put my name in the half of that. Really? I would love for them to do that. I just want to know so bad. I'm gonna hire someone to do it anyway. But my dad's dad worked for the parks department of New York City after the,

so there was city workers, you know? And my grandmother worked at a mental institution. Delvie? No, it was on Staten Island. She worked at like a section of the hospital that dealt with, you know, like, I guess, yeah, people that weren't all there, I guess, I'm not sure. Back then it was, you could do it.

But she only worked in the cafeteria. Oh, okay. Yeah, but I mean, that's what she worked. But I didn't know, I didn't know she wasn't an all white uniform and white shoes and like, all that stuff. And she would go every day and she would steal, she would steal food from there and bring it home. Really?

Yeah. Like, so there was a few years of my life that I lived with my grandparents. They had a two family house by the, over by the ferry in a neighborhood of St. George, New Brighton in Staten Island. Actually, you offer one of the most crime-ridden streets in the borough.

I thought all Staten Island was crime-ridden. No, not even close. Really? Just a few bad neighborhoods. All I know about Staten Island is. Staten neighborhoods. You guys, Pete Davidson and Wu Tang. Yeah.

And Chrysher. Chrysher is really big in satin island. There's bricks that say Chrysher on them. Oh, Chrysher mansion. Yeah. Yeah, there's a Chrysher mansion there. Okay, everyone asks, when I first moved to New York, I'd say Chrysher, anyone from satin island was like, oh, Chrysher mansion.

Yeah. And I was like, what was that mansion? But, you know, there's like two stories. That's what they called it. Yeah. Well, I know I said, they're talking about my home. And I was like, oh, yeah, but we had no relation to those crises.

Yeah, but no, yeah. So she did that. She used to, yeah, so I live with them for a little while. What's the matter, Olsen? No, look at that thing. Christchurch mansions for sale. Are you serious, dude? It's for sale for seven point four.

I thought it was a restaurant or something they turned it into. I can't afford that. That, that's on, so that's in Stan Island. That's the one in Stan Island for seven point four million. That doesn't look like it to me. Uh, I wouldn't mind starting to go fund me and then opening a comedy club in, uh, Staten Island is at Chrysir Mansion.

That would learn 36 years old. There it is. Yeah, that is it. Wow, what date is that article? 2021. Wow. It's already been sold. Yeah. Yeah. That's, that's insane that that's the price tag on that though. It's those are piano makers or brick makers. These Christchurch. Unclea. I don't know. I mean, if that's what that that if that's the house you can get.

How are you with dogs? Fine. Love them. I love being at the moron. There's a moron that's about to open a door and come in and be like, it's so good. Yeah, so yeah, now we didn't, so yeah, my grandma used to steal like milk, cheese, butter,

frozen french toast. It's that melon looks like sound. so that's like in its own little, no, this beautiful, beautiful, it's the birth of parks. There's like big beautiful hills and old, old homes on gorgeous. There's a beach, there's beaches, I mean, it's in Ireland, right? So there's a marina. It's, it's, it's, it's just beautiful, beautiful neighborhoods. And it has some run down neighborhoods, you know, it's not, no, you've heard about it.

It's pretty beautiful. It's sound, I just get, it gets such a bad rap. Yeah. I know we, it's impossible to turn that thing around. We tried. We're all trying. That's like Florida. Florida is a bad rap.

It's like that. It's like, it's like, it's like my like Mafia, you know, it is blue collar, it is conservative, which is like, it's an outcast as far as New York goes. But no, this is some beautiful beautiful homes. So your grandfather has moved to Staten Island? My grandmother, my mom's parents moved to Staten Island and then my, yeah, I guess my grandmother was there

from the beginning too. My grandfather is my dad's stepdad, but it has been since he's been like two one. Yeah. Two, whatever it was. So I only know him. We didn't know his actual dad. Oh, okay. Yeah. And he was, and that was it. My mother grandmother was a homemaker. What was it like for your parents when you started making money? Was it, was did they have an easy time wrapping their head around it? Or was it like, I don't know what to tell you? No, no, no, they were always supportive. No, no, it, or was it like, I don't know what to tell you. No, they were always supportive.

No, no, no, but like, because you're, I don't know, the right way to say this, but you are wealthy, but you don't act it, you don't, you're not like outwardly like flashy, but like, for the first time that your parents were like, we're like, holy shit, like this is success. Like, let me, let me phrase it the right way. You never intended, you never struck me as someone who,

careful with your words, he had burnt, who intended it to be a star. Like you were like a guy that was, you were doing work, you were doing jobs, you like doing improv with your friends, all of a sudden, you're like, yeah, the show will be fun. You do it and then all of a sudden it turns into a mega fucking success.

Yeah. The most successful brand over it, TBS across the board and runs all, I mean, you're legit fucking famous. And but you don't strike me as someone that ever intended for any of that to happen. And you, nor does your family look like they ever saw that as your path, but then all the sudden one day

you're buying Rolexes in Vegas with your dad. And at one point your dad must be like, this is fucking crazy. Like my dad said that to me and they knew I wanted to be a comedian. Like, but so like, that's what I'm curious. So my parents don't speak money with me. They did, yeah, like the show,

in the beginning, I didn't really save a good amount until a little bit. In the beginning, we had no upper hand at all, and we didn't get paid well. And when we started touring, they were like searrooms. So it wasn't, it was just like I was making a decent living, maybe a little more than I was making before that, but it wasn't crazy. And it took a while to build up

But I mean I always did comedy like since college since high school actually I was doing sketching in private and out of college I did a little stand up and then I always wanted and I want to be a filmmaker and then I wanted to do you know We did a got this sketch comedy. So I was always going to do comedy because I loved it and We were always trying to pitch ideas and shows just from a young age. So it was like, I wasn't trying to be famous. I was just trying to make a living doing something I liked, that's all.

And then after, we've had failed pilots prior to this one. And I've had a lot of failed opportunities. I worked with Mer on a pilot. Like he was a producer on a pilot that I did. That's what he did. And yeah, and we just, it just, we failed at a bunch. And again, I didn't know if anything would take, I had my regular job.

And then this one took, and for two years, I kept my regular job while I had the show. I was, at that point, I was bartending. I left pranential securities, and I wanted to do comedy. I wanted to do something not in an office. And so I left and became a bartender so I could, you know, make my own, you know, schedule and stuff. I did that for eight or nine years. And then at that like ninth year, I left the place I was and I invested in a new bar with two friends and we bought

a bar. And like a month later, I got to show and I was like, Oh my God, what did I just do? So that, so then I had to be 24 seven on the bar and 24 seven with the show. What happened to the bar? In like 2012ish, I left it. It took the leap and I said, I'm just gonna commit to comedy full time. So I left, but... Did they buy you out or something? I actually gave them my share.

Really? Yeah. He's this. Yeah, I just said, I don't want anything, just take it. Oh, has the bar still around? No, they closed shortly after. They ran that shit into the ground, I think. I only know like eight years later, I got a letter about back taxes that I was supposed to pay.

I had to go to like mediation to be like, I left that shit, like I left that shit in good shape. And they were like, well, and it was like 30 grand in taxes. It was, it was laughing now. I was not laughing at the top because I didn't have 30 grand to throw around. But what's it, what's it, it wasn't my debt? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I had kind of a little bit of a, I would say falling out with the guys,

I wish them the best and everything, but I cut them out, it just, that rubbed me the wrong way. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so then, but what, but so, how many seasons have been practical, do you have done? We're about to start filming 10 in two weeks.

Season 10 uses. Yeah. We're hovering around 300 episodes somewhere around that. It's insane. It is insane. Yeah, I know. But we still haven't fun with it. So yeah, and by light though, I like to set up of bringing in celebrity. Yeah, like I like that a lot. Come on. Come on. I'm not good at practical jokes. I'm not good at it. I'm not good at pranks. I tell I said this way. I'm not really pranks. People we don't even call it a prank show. It's not people call it a prank show. They call it a reality show. Like some people call it a game show. It's like all it is is just like literally a comedy show. Yeah. With friends. I get nervous. I get nervous very easily. Yeah. And so that's great. So do I? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We lean into easily. Yeah. And so that's great. So do I. Yeah, yeah, we lean into it.

Yeah, and then, uh, I, I, I, I, I, I, I voice a lot of episodes. I mean, stand hopes one that turned me on to it. Yeah. And, uh, and I just, I, I, I think it's what I like about the show is that I get nervous. I watch it with my daughter. I'm, I'm saying I told you this, but my daughter is, I was in there watching it and they're like, oh, you like this too? I was like, well, you know these guys. Oh, yeah, you told me that.

Yeah, back in the, yeah. This is crazy right before I did the cruise. Yeah. And, but, but, I, I, like, I'm, I, you guys have consistently impressed me. I mean, you guys were the first, I remember the first time I ever went to a show at the Greek for comedy was you. Oh, right, right, right.

And I remember thinking, I remember sitting in there going, I can't believe they do, they sold out the Greek. I remember being in traffic, going to your show, going, their show's so big, they created traffic. I was, I think I was in the car with, I was going to be a bit of a neck. There was a bunch of comics there. I must have been with Nick who came over there Adam Ray was there Dhamma Rera was there I might Josh Adam Mars. I might have been by myself. Yeah, and I might have been by myself I remember going like

Sir, I'm running late to the show. Is there like a way around this and he goes this is the show buddy Well, what and he goes this is we're going to the Greek. And I was like, what the fuck? Out of all the places you guys, you've done it, but forget it now, you've. Yeah, I mean, I bless you. I did the Greek, but I, but I, yeah. No, I, I don't think the first second I wasn't thinking about you guys the entire time.

Oh, really? Yeah, the whole time, because I remember being so impressed by every aspect of that. I remember being, I whole time, because I remember being so impressed by every aspect of that. I remember being, I actually overwhelmed, because I remember you guys didn't strike me as nervous, which I didn't understand,

because I was like, they're about, like, I mean, my brain was like, I think maybe what year was this? Was I doing theaters yet? I might just been doing clubs. The Greek had to be maybe like six years ago or something. Maybe five years ago. Yeah, I don't think I was just doing clubs.

And I remember thinking, how are they not fucking super nervous? This is an outdoor venue. This is an outdoor venue. That's one of the reasons too. The times we did LA before that. We did like, and we did some couple shows in Anaheim, and then we did something downtown. Like, I don't know if it was like a mobile theater

or some stuff like that. And there was theaters, you know, we did two in a night, maybe there are a couple of downsies. And the LA crowds, like every time we're like, not great. And so I had this stigma in my head about LA crowds, and I also don't love outdoor shows. I don't love them. Because, well, now I'm starting to like a more but like I've been in situations about

outdoor shows that are just like for everywhere from like doing a college campus to doing you know like a what did they call the ampere theaters to do festivals on a stage or a race track everything and then yeah and like sometimes it's just like you lose It's just not conducive to comedy, you know. So I had that in my head about about the Greek and then and with the other and then it was just that was a such a fun good show. The funny and the murderous show. Had a great seat. I was sitting dead center right up front and I remember thunderous laughter and I went and that was the first time that I'd ever seen a show Outdoors I remember I heard maybe chappelle had done like the someone had done the Hollywood bowl

I heard about that. I was like I was like I can't I'd rather be in a theater and then when I saw the Greek I was like I remember thinking I want to do the Greek. I was like Definitively like I would this is a this is something I want in my career and When you do amazing life? I mean, I now that was the last time I played L.A. before this week. Really? A headlining or really? Yeah. Were you at this week?

I played Sunday at the Wilton. Oh, how was the Wilton? It was fucking great. Yeah, Wilton. It's a great. Yeah, it was great. Do you know that it's called the Wilton because it's on, uh, no way. Wilshire and what have you and and no way. Yeah, it was great. Do you know that's called the Wiltshire, because it's on... No way. Wilshire and what have you?

And... No way. Yeah, yeah, what's the name? Western and Wilshire. I had no, no, I would never know that. I know, and that's crazy. Oh wow. Yeah, Western and Wilshire.

And so Wiltern. It's like Benefer. Bene... Yeah. Yeah. Or Biam. Yeah, Biam. What was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what was, what wasian. Yeah, Bian. What was kid Leanne and I could be Leart?

Leart is pretty good as far as. Have you seen what Leart is up to? I like Bian. Bian, Bian, or just Burt's wife and him. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Silly of that one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So wait, yeah, yeah, yeah. So wait, yeah, because when I did the Greek, I was like, I was like, this is, I thought about you guys a lot. I thought about, I remember, I remember the different rooms and I went to a room and then I remember seeing Dom Arrera and Dom Arrera wasn't nervous. He was having a glass of white wine. Yeah.

And I was like, we were lucky enough that he started the show for us. He opened the show. Yeah. It was such a great fucking show. And then you guys did the O2 arena? Yeah. Yeah, that was crazy too. Look, man, I don't even know.

You know, like we started getting really success here. And then the show wasn't playing there. 30 other countries had a version of our show. Their own version. Yeah, we outsourced the format, right? So 30 countries. So, and then like a version of our show, their own version. Yeah, we outsourced the format, right? So 30 countries, and then a handful of countries would have our show dubbed. So I went to Costa Rica.

I'm trying to write names for those shows. Oh, they were translations of in practical jokes. Yeah, yeah, I'm trying to think of. One was called Dürfuckers. Dürfuckers. It was the fuckers. And one was called Four Dicks. I swear to God, it was a little weird shit.

Yeah, yeah. But I would go to coast, like I was in coastrick. I turned on television. It was me like being dubbed. It was such a funny thing to see. But UK had two seasons or two stabs at in Prague goes with two different casts. It didn't go and then like go well. And then like in season like five,

they're like, let's just start playing theirs over there. And so we didn't we didn't have any fans here. We didn't know anything. And then it just took off because they had five seasons to show in a row. Like so they these people liked it and then they couldn't get enough of it. And then we're like, we're gonna look into touring there. And so we didn't know that it was gonna be that popular, but they were like pent up because I guess it's a rarity because maybe they're not going to get us over there. So we put it on sale, man. We did. We were starting to do a renaz and lower bowls here at that time. And then over there it was like the most insane thing. We couldn't expect it. We did like a 21 state stay tour, maybe like 15, 16 cities or whatever, so maybe more.

And we did all, all, all arenas. And they just saw the fucking O2 on the first tour we did there. We sold four of them. And they sold out in, they sold three of them, I think to the first two in pre-sale was sold out in pre-sale. That's a good, no fucking idea that that was going to happen. And that you were Nick at the time. Yeah.

And who does Nick call? Does he call all four of you at once? Yeah, we had to probably a group call. And he's like, I was like, you know, they're like, it sold out to him in presale. We added one. And it's like, it sold out again.

He's like, guys, this is incredible. And then they put, so we did start it the UK and did two. Did the whole tour came back to the UK and did the last the second two and I one thing I always remember which I couldn't believe is they said that we sold more and quicker than when Adele did it Yeah, that is insane, which isn't saying right. She's like I mean window Adele Yeah, well, it take all of our voice. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, no, it was like I was the wildest thing in the world. It's like, it's cool to you. You got to take a boat to it. That's you guys at the boat. That's the garden. That's the garden. You guys didn't manage to square garden too.

Dude, I did the garden six days after that. Are you serious? That's right. I knew that. That was like the craziest couple of weeks of my life. I bought a new home. I moved into my home October 30th. October 31st was Halloween. We went to New Orleans. We did that entire cruise. We got off. We had a show at the joy. The next day was my birthday and my sister got engaged because we stayed in New Orleans for a few days. I got a big house to the family. Then we flew home. My family was visiting from California. We flew home. I played the garden and and and and and took and they all stayed in my house, which I had slept in one night. And then after the garden, they were going to go back. I think it was November 11th and all my

little nephews, I wasn't going to see him for Christmas. So I got a like a 10-foot tree delivered. There was a company delivering it. We had Christmas on like November 11th. We went out to the store, decorated the house, wrapped a gifts, and had a full Christmas. I was like, I'll never just forget that, like two weeks span, was it insanity for me? That's. But that was wild.

It was a little weird playing the garden though. Really? It was a little overwhelming. The way you said that you felt when you saw us in the Greek, yeah. Was the way I felt in the garden. It went fast and it was almost surreal and we had so many friends and family and comics and people there, there were a little bit of nerves.

And it was just like, I didn't, as much as I tried to soak it in, it was tough. It was a weird show. My actual moment of doing Red Rocks, the first time I did, well, I haven't done this like a one, but when I did Red Rocks, it happened so fast. I don't remember the standup part of it. Yeah, I don't remember this.

And I kind of felt that way about the Greek, it kind of, the standup, like I remember doing Florida state. I remember doing Penn State. I remember that like those arenas. I remember those pretty vividly, but I don't remember those two kind of just like, it was fleeting moments. Yeah, it's fleeting, that's it. And like I'll go back and see a show at the garden.

And I'm like, I'll sit in the audience. And you know, at this point, like we've been, we've been at this level for quite a bit with the arenas. So like, never get, you never get over it, you never get used to it. It's always like, oh my God. But like I'll still go sit at a, at a show in those spaces and I can't even, it doesn't feel like I played them at all. It just feels like something that's not real.

Like, and I'm in the audience for this other band or whatever it is, and I'm looking around like, this is incredible. Look at this. And I'm like, it just doesn't feel like, when you're on stage, I can't wrap my head around the fact that the same people that I'm sitting amongst watching is like, who's coming for us?

It just doesn't compute. I don't know how to explain that. No, I understand. We went, me and Mark Norman went and Dave Williamson and my, all our friends, we took all our friends. I took everyone up to those stakes with delicious, by the way, delicious and his, uh, rub is fucking yeah, continue. Um, right now, Dave's listening going, well, well, well, bird, bird, back it up.

Let him talk about the stakes, talking about my barbecue. Yeah. Um, we, when we did Red Rocks, and we're doing it again, we're, we're, we're oh, Bert, Bert, back it up. Let him talk about the stakes, talking about my barbecuing. Yeah. When we did Red Rocks and we're doing it again, we bring everyone out, like we bring girlfriends and friends and just, and we fill up these cabins down by a river and we each get our own cabin. And then we stayed the next night for the show the next night.

And last year, whatever the show is that's following you. Whatever the show is. What a fun idea. Yeah, well, last year was Jimmy Buffett. So it was like, it was like, it was fucking awesome. That's good. It was awesome. This year, it's Willko, my favorite band ever. Just so happened. Just so happens. And I'm hoping to do it the year after. And I'm looking just putting it out to Red Rocks. I'm like widespread panic to do it. Like I like, it's the the fact I would have been nice if you said I would like Savile Canada do it. Yeah. Yeah.

Right. Bread panic. No problem. So we we went to Jimmy Buffett and we got pretty fucked up. Yeah. And I had to keep my head on about me because I was I went backstage. They took me backstage and meet Jimmy Buffett and do his radio show and it was like fucking surreal and then I came back out, they took me out, they're like the show's about to start walking back out of seats. We had great seats and as I walked back out, I looked up and I was like, dude, he sold a lot of tickets and then I said, I did my first thought and they put

me in Mark Norman on the jumbo tron and people went and Mark goes me in Mark Norman on the jumbo tron Yeah, and they were like like and people went and Mark goes dude. We're on the jumbo tron and then I was like Wait, we were on that stage last time We were on the like he was like we're on the jumbo tron. It's isn't it so funny It's so fun. Yeah, same exact thing or if I'm like in like in the seats in wrestling or I'm like on television somehow I got a ball game sometimes like yeah, it's a basketball game and you see I'm like look the seats in wrestling or I'm like on television somehow, I got a ball game sometimes. Like, it's a basketball game and you say, I'm like, look, look, that's me, I'm with you.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, I get so excited. I would. And on our elements, it's like something that's established that you're like, I'm looking out there, but like my own show. I get more nerves when I go to the garden and they come up to me and they're like,

Hey, man, we love to come to you. We love you, we love you, we rupee shirt off and kill a beer, I go, not a problem. Man, my stomach is in knots. I am so nervous up until the point where they cut to me and I'm like, hey, what's up? And then I go, oh, and rip my shirt off, murder a beer. The last time I did that, you want to talk about,

because I know how you are. I know this will tweak your brain. The last time we did that was March 3rd, 2020. Okay. The week, the week before, the week before we're at the garden and I go, they go, hey, we'd love to come to you. You kill a beer, rip your shirt off. And I was like, okay. And I was like, let me go get a beer and then like, no, we're coming to you in like three minutes. And I went, I don't have enough beer in this guy. I go, say, hey, you need some beer. Everyone pour a little in his cup.

No, no, no, no. They passed my cup. Oh, God. And everyone poured it in. I was like that. And it's the week before. Is the week before. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that. I mean, just at that point, just drink a beer. Yeah. It was it was it was almost empty. It was almost empty. And I got everyone's beer. And I was like,

I think I'm a honey pot. You didn't give a shit. I think I said I'm already. I mean, I don't give a shit. I still like, I mean, I don't mean, I don't mean this callously. I don't mean this to be disrespectful, but I really do not think about that virus at all. Yeah, I mean, I think about it for my parents and stuff like that. I think about it for my parents, but I got a little scared during the beginning when nobody knew what the fuck it was. I thought if you stepped outside, you might get like that first couple of weeks

where everything shut down. I miss that stuff. It was a really weird thing that we lived through that we'll all connect with that. It's first time that happened in my lifetime that I can remember that kind of feeling. I don't know. I miss, I miss, we had just connect with that. It's first time that happened in my lifetime that I can remember that kind of feeling. You know, like, I don't know. I miss, I miss.

We had just bought this house. And the house was here, it was empty. Oh, you bought it and then the pandemic hit. Yeah. Yeah, man. Why didn't November pandemic hits in March and I sit up in my bed and I go, this is a fucking, it's a dumbest mistake. I go, this is a fucking,

it's a dumbest mistake. I go, you know what? This is what happens. This is when you get out over your skis. We thought we were rich people, we're not rich people. Toring's over, let's sell the fucking house. Let's miss crazy scary. It was terrifying.

Everything I do can't be done right now. I can't walk out to people on the show. I can't go on tour, I can't do anything. Nothing. I had to make a fucking show eating dinner out of my house. Yeah. Oh, we did that. Oh, well, I God bless God bless my best friend He calls me up and he goes I think if you're comfortable We should start doing two bears every week

And I was like he's like I won't be no one in the crew will be exposed Everyone's to be stayed home and we'll just come in and do them. And, uh, and he goes, and I think we can get some ad sales for it. And I, and I think we, we're going to be able to survive this pandemic. Right. And I went, okay. And so we started doing two bearers twice a week. And then we had a couple things go viral, not viral, but like blow us up. You know, me like turn people on to us, like the Jennifer Anderson thing, the cool aid.

And, and by the way, we weren't doing stand up. It's what any material we had came into the show. It was so and then all of a sudden halfway through the pandemic, Tom's like, but Tom's like, I think we're going to be good. And that's when I was like, all right, we can keep this house. We because I was terrified. I'm going through that now, man. I talked about it.

Yeah. It's like taking that leap. You're like, I think this should be okay. But then coming off the heels of the pandemic, I'm like, everything could be stripped away outside. I did that show. I started a couple of podcasts too. Like I just trying to take out.

Podcasting, your podcasts are fucking awesome. You got Haybae and Dave Spud. Dave Spud. They're both fucking awesome. I hate taste buds because of the lighting. Mine looked so red in that fucking episode. That's all I got. That was a joke. That in that fucking episode. That's all I got. That's all I got from everyone. They go, you're dying, Bert. You're dying. And I go, it was

hot. I read you look so fucking red. Yeah. Well, first of all, I think it was, I think it was cold out. And so I think it was, it was cold out. And I was drunk. Yeah. And I mean, the nature of the show is it's me and Joe DeRosa and we really, really fight tooth and nail over food. It's such a fun show. Every show, every podcast you have is fucking awesome. Thank you. Yeah.

Dude, you and Joe, you and Joe fighting over fucking, I'm trying to think that I'm just a hoi. The dumbest thing. Everything big, I'm just a little raising big. You know, I'm not calling anyone out But I've seen other people steal that from you guys. Yeah, I've seen a lot of people do versions of that Yeah, where I go that it is such a good show and then you and Chris because the One of the first I thought I want to say it wasn't how I met Chris the stuff know I think I met him earlier

I might have brought him to something's burning you did is that what I want when I think that's when I met him earlier. I might have brought him to something's burning. You did. Is that what I meant, Chris, the stuff? No, and fell in love with him. Yeah, he's a pack, he's a, he's a, he's one of a kind. Dude, he just, he is so, there's something. Oh, he's specials on Netflix right now. It's called specialy wesi. Specialy wesi? Yeah, he's been a couple of weeks ago.

But him and I do the podcast called Hey Babe, out of my house, just, just're all supposed to bullshit like you guys. It's fucking awesome. We're like very much alike in the, you know, like, sensibilities and just silliness. Yeah. Kind of. But those podcasts make you feel like, like put, what, to go back to what we were saying,

my favorite thing about that initial pandemic is like, I, we took the bus. We were in New Orleans. I think of the joy theater all the enough. No, maybe the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, we took the bus, we were in New Orleans. I think at the joy theater, all the enough. No, maybe another. Sanger. Sanger, we were Sanger. We took the bus home.

I'm partying hardest fuck. I've been at the fucking Garden twice. I watched a Rangers game, NF, NX game. We stayed in New York. We were doing podcasts, partying everywhere, drove home, and I said on the bus I said when I get home, I'm gonna stop drinking. Got home, stop drinking, stay at home orders, and all of a sudden life slowed down. And for the first time ever, first time ever, and I spent time with my daughters,

and we watched movies every night, and we would text each other in the morning. Like, if we were looking to see if like anyone got any good movie, we were at suggestions. And we'd, I'd wake up. We'd have breakfast together, where I'd go work out, the girls would do school. Did you hear that? No, we were at the old house.

Well, with old house, I love that play. I mean, this house is pretty awesome. That old house was really special. It was great, great. What was great about that old house, and Brian Regan told me this, is that it was a house for a family. Everyone had to be around each other.

No one could disappear. Right. Everyone was like, the kitchen was right off the yard. It was as big as this studio, that it was, I think it was as big as, you were there. And so it was a great tiny little house.

Now, and then we had bought this house. So what was really great, and this is what I missed the most, is we would pack up the dogs during the stay at home orders and we'd drive over here to this house, where it was just an empty lot. And we'd let the dogs play here. You built that. You built the house.

There was a house there, but we kind of tore it down and built that one. And so we would let the dogs come over here. We were, it was like, it was fucking awesome. It was so awesome. Yeah, making the best out of a situation. It's like, as comics too, we don't have regular hours, we're never home. And you have to hustle otherwise, you know, all that stuff.

So just for it to, didn't it take you a while on the beginning to be like, at first, it was so weird to not do spots and to not, you know, because you always feel like if you don't, you know, use it to lose it and everyone else is doing them. And you have to start like that whole like first few weeks, I was like, didn't know what to do with myself. Oh, you're telling this to me? Yeah. I called Nick, I called Nick, March 17th. And was like, yeah, he told me, you started that whole thing.

Yeah, I said, hey, man, I'm not doing this. I'm not sitting on my fucking hands. I got a special that I fucking really proud of that's airing right now. And it's airing, it's airing the week, stay at home, orders kicked in. Right. The week that the world shut down and they said,

you're not allowed to leave your house. The number one streaming service in the world had my special on the front page. And I said, I was like, you are out of your fucking mind. Did you think, if you think I'm not gonna fucking try to make this into something. Right. And I remember where I was sitting

and I was talking the phone with him, Heidi and Judy. And I said, I want to do, I was with Liam on our front yard. I was smoking a cigar and I said, I want to do driving movie theaters. And they're like, do those even exist anymore? And I was like, I was like, I don't know, can you find one? And they're like, I don't think that's real. Like two weeks later, I'm we're in this backyard. I'm walking across here. I'm sober. I remember I was sober because I was antsy. Like I was like, I was like, how long is this gonna fucking last? It's so brighty thing.

And Izzy are one of our bull mass tips. Ran and took my legs out, knocked me on the ground. I landed on the ground. I'm on the phone with Nick and he goes, I got great news. And I remember I was in Riving Payne hitting the ground. And he goes, I found a drive-in movie theater North Carolina we're gonna do a conference call with this company called hotbox

They're pretty sure they can do it. They got this guy that they're gonna test it out with he was a music act Okay, Mark Rebley really fucking great dude. Really Mark Rebley I know I know him from afar, but he's he's we talked to each other on he's awesome He was the fry. I think he was the very first person. You say Reble. I don't know. I thought it was Reble, Reble, yeah. Reble, yeah.

He's Reble. Okay. Then I'm insane. Mark Reble. Mark Reble. My guy who does the crazy fucking awesome. That's the first time I saw him on the pandemic. He was like broadcasting out of his house and his underwear or something.

He was going wild. I was like, this guy is the best. He would do his shows. If I'm not mistaken, I don't, I think he, they, I remember that he did his shows and there was a, there was a time difference. I'm, by the way, I apologize to Mark if I'm, if I'm misquoting any of this.

Cause he, I think he knows Tom really well. There was a time difference and it didn't matter cause it was music. Yeah. And it was a time difference. And so, and he would be in a box, and he'd be streaming like he was streaming live. But he'd be in a box.

I apologize, Mark, I'm fucking this up. He'd be in a box. We did the same, I think we did the exact same place for the very first time. I think it was in North Carolina in the Greensboro, North Carolina, in this rock quarry. He'd be in a box, and he'd be doing his music from the box, and then he would get,

they'd put him on a Golf cart and he would and he'd talk into the microphone, but there was a time delay and I was like hey And I was like there can't be a time delay for me And I was like I can't do it if there's a time delay and they're like we'll see if we can fix it And then they called me and they're like we fixed it and they offered me 12 dates and I went I said I'm like we fixed it. And they offered me 12 dates and I went, uh, I said, I'm getting a little gun shy. I was like, I remember telling Tom after a two bears one cave, I go, I think I'm going to do the driving movie theaters because I wouldn't do it. I was like, really? He goes, you don't want to be a guinea pig out there. And I was like, I don't mind being a guinea pig.

Like, no, I remember thinking to myself, this is horrible. I'm sorry that I'm saying this to this world to the world. But I remember thinking the only people that will know I bombed are the people there. Because whatever I represent on social media, it's gonna look like it was fun. I'm not gonna let people know I bombed. And let me tell you something, I saw that social media stuff. Were you driving out a golf court card

hitting softballs and shit? Oh, we had a fucking, it's the reason we're doing fully loaded. It's totally the reason, because I did that first one And I called Nick and I said I said book out the summer and he was like what I Said call hotbox book out the summer. I want the whole I want to do as many as I can we did 30 cities I think we did 75 shows and I wow the fucking I had so

I I cannot tell you. And this is the only reason we're doing fully loaded. Cause I said to Nick, I'm having so much fun on the road. Like fun, we would wake up. We, it was the whole country we shut down. Right. And we would go by crab parts and set crab parts. It was like when you were a kid, yeah.

And you like walked around the neighborhood and killed time all day, like what you got into as kid. Like, you know, you don't only do so much, it was just about just hanging out. Yeah, I remember we were in Cape Cod and we rented a boat. Just took a boat up. I played there like the week after you. Yeah, yeah.

So I was supposed to go, so you started that and then Nate was gonna do it. Yeah. And then me and Nate were gonna go on tour together. You should of. I know, but here's what happened, right? So I was real nervous about my family. I didn't wanna be away from home that long.

And so we were going to wait for like a month or something on the bus. And they, I had done the one. And I was like, all right, it was cool, but like, oh no, I hadn't done them yet. I hadn't done it. That's why I booked Cape Cod to see if I would want to do it. Yeah. And Cape Cod was an interesting venue. I liked the way they had it set up, but it but

The I actually love Cape Cobb. I actually love Cape Cobb. It was it was tough. You couldn't see like past like the first like 50 feet And then so it was it was interesting, but I hadn't done it yet So they booked it, but then they needed an answer for the tour prize. I was like, all right, let's do it I say yes sign on we're gonna do like 18 cities or whatever. We're gonna take the bus, I talk to Nate. And then they say, the money, it wasn't really for them. Well, money wasn't great because you had to rent the stage. You had to, it was so, Money was not good at all.

It was money, by the way, the one of the things the reason I did it, I remember the money, no, I don't mean look, it's better, it's better than digging ditches. Oh, 100%. But I remember the first show we did, I got done, and I had, this is in that rock quarry. Yeah.

And I hadn't called Nick yet. We were, I was smoking weed, and I had a bunch of weed, and I was like, I was like, I'm gonna get the crew high. I'm gonna give everyone joints, they're all clean. I'm gonna open up some beers, let everyone, wait a good night and so I crack some beers, I pass around some joints. And as everyone grabbed a beer from me, they go,

hey man, thanks for the work. It's like it's been dry out here. And I was like really, and he's like, I'm in these four dates you're doing, it's keep my head above water. And I remember hearing that going, okay. And so, and then, and then I'm, I mean, I'm filled out here. I remember hearing that going, okay. And so, and then, and then I mean, I'm filled out here.

I remember doing Philly and they, and all anyone said, we're talking about dudes, real men from Philly, real man going, all every single one of them. But thanks for the work today, buddy. I keep keeping the float. And so I was like, all right. And so in my head, I was like, I'm not making great money, but I'm making enough to pay my bus driver. I brought all my openers with me. I brought my cousin. I brought everyone with me. Everyone was making a paycheck. I could rent the bus. I could walk away with some money. It was like, it was as good as

like, wasn't as good as doing theaters. But it was, it was money. It was some money. And everyone else made paychecks and you kept everyone employed. And I was money, it was some money, and everyone else made paychecks, and you kept everyone employed, and I was like, Did you guys stay in your own boat? Did anyone get it? Nope, the whole time? Never. No one.

Wow. Never. And you stayed mostly, but you were being mindful, like you were outdoors, but people were staying away. We were 100% careful. Yeah, yeah.

We were all, we were in our own bubble, if we went in and out of that anywhere, it was we were masked up to all night. We were, I we were in our own bubble. Right. If we went in and out and anywhere it was we were masked up to. Yeah. Yeah. We were. We were high. I was hyper-senders. We tested the before we went out every time and on our way in and on our way in. We test. We test three days before we got home and we rent Airbnb and stay in an Airbnb for three days before we went to our families. Right. So So wait, did you get to do one before you committed to the tour? And, yeah.

So, I see I didn't do that, right? So, I was like, I don't know what this is gonna be like, you know? And so, then, in the last minute, they got on the phone, I already said yes, and then like, so just so you know, it's two shows a night. So, I was like, it's two a night. And I was like, so is the money that you said to me that I didn't think was that great?

Was it for one or is, like no, the money we said to you that you didn't was great for one show is for two shows. Yeah. And then I was like, all right. So now I have something to think about because I never tried it yet. I didn't know what I was getting myself into.

I didn't know if if we went out and had that first night, it was gonna be, it was gonna be 36 shows. So if we went out that first night and it was terrible, I'm like, what the fuck did I do? Yeah. And for me, I haven't slowed down in years, right? Because besides this touring, I tore with the guys. And then this show, and then all that stuff.

And the show takes us 10 months a year to do. So like, I had never had a moment like this. I was a little bit afraid for my parents. It was only October. No, we were planning it three months earlier, so it was like August at this point, no July, July. And we were planning to go in October. So in July, it was only around for three or four months.

It was spiking, it was, it was like a lot of shit going on. And I was like, I think, I think I wanna take this time for a mental break, because I never stopped. And I stayed home. Nate went, you guys went, it was excellent. You guys got, do the specials off the heels of it or he did. He did, I was like, I kind of regret not doing it, but then I also like, if I put myself back in that time frame,

I get why I was like, I don't know, like, why don't I just, because I never say no. I never say no. And I was like, and like, my family was like, this, because I never say no. I never say no. And I was like, and like my family was like, this is the time to say no. You have no excuse now. You can say no and not feel bad about it. And just stay home and see your family.

And I was like, all right, so I did that. I remember, I remember, I remember getting, there was a lot, there was a lot that I would do differently. The one thing I would, the one thing is like, I just need to be making something. Like I just, I'm like a shark. I gotta keep moving forward. Well, that's when we ended up doing a live show

from our homes that the four of us eaten dinner and having guests on. We did 18 episodes of that. So we did that through that whole, we ended up doing that through the whole summer. So I had something and I started to pot, both pods. So I, I did, but before I knew it, I was like, I had to write for the show every week. I had to do the pocket service. So I, before I knew it, I was like,

I had to write for the show every week. We do the pockets here. So I ended up getting work, you know, but. Yeah. It was those days, or some of my favorite days ever. We would, I was looking, and this is carried over a little bit too much, I think. I wish I could write the boat a tad bit.

But I remember thinking, too much, I think. I wish I could write the vote at Tadbit, but I remember thinking, my wife, I remember talking to her and being like, I'm going to do more of these. I go, it's not great money, but it's not about the money, it's about everyone else's making money, everyone else's can pay their mortgages that I care about that's on my team, including my agents, my managers, like everyone's keeping their head above water and I can make money for everyone. And I said, you know, and I think I'm not going to think about the money at all. I'm going to make sure I have a good time doing it. And so that's carried over because we would get there and I'd be like, Hey, reach out to we were in Butler, Pennsylvania. I said reach out to like a CrossFit company. See

if they can set up a CrossFit for us for a day. Reach out, we would have yoga teachers come out and do yoga classes for us. So we did everything at the venue. Hey can set up a crossfit for us for a day. Reach out, we would have yoga teachers come out and do yoga classes for us. So we did everything at the venue, hey, set up a pool, let's make a pool today, and let's have a pool day. And so we had, I mean, we went, so we went, we went tubing down the Rio Grande,

we went to this place in Amarillo, I just told this little girl, not little girl, she's a little girl to me. She's a backpacking or busing driving across country in a van. I told her, I said, there's this great campsite outside of Amarillo, Texas. And I don't even wanna blow the spot up, it's so precious.

It's a cliff. It's you camp on a cliff overlooking a lake and thunderstorm dro roll in. I gave her a case of beer and I said, when you're on your way out, stop there, find it. I said, my team will text you everything you need to know. And she just texted, she just tweeted, when Berk Chrysler gives you an IPA

and tells you about a place to have it, trust them. And she took a picture, it's gorgeous. But we went out to this lake, we took a boat out on the lake, we ended up fucking swimming in the lake for that. I mean, we did so much fun shit when no one was allowed out of their house that I was, I literally said to Nick, and we were supposed to do it before I went to Serbia. Or after I went to Serbia, I said, let's do a tour,

an outdoor festival, do it, minor league stadiums. And I think Nick, I think Nick might have brought it to me and said, and said, because I was like, I wanna do more of this. And he was like, here's, what do you think about this? Yeah, we sampled it. We sampled doing that. We did like six amphitheaters or something.

With four comics on it, a three or four comics on it. With us, and they were super, super fun. Yeah. But it wasn't like the way you were like how are you guys traveling? Because I'm only on the one date like how are you is everyone just you on your bus and like the other people like So I have three buses. Okay. What day do you want the first one? 16th and seven oh, oh, so I'll bet we're doing a party the night before Come in that come in the night before we're doing a party up. I'm serious. Yeah, why what do you gotta do?

All right, I have my flights booked Come in that come in the night before we're doing a party. I'm fucking serious. Yeah, why what do you gotta do? All right, I have my flights booked That I land like four p.m. That damn getting a rental car because I'm after our show. I'm gonna drive up to Milwaukee for my show It's like three hours away. Oh, yeah, so like I actually texted you I'm like do you guys think you're hanging? You have to go to the next city So the night before south bend okay, so we get the field we get the field for South Bend. So no, so the night before South Bend. Okay. So we get the field, we get the field for like 24 hours. Okay. So the night before South Bend, by the way,

I think this has already happened. I'm sorry, everybody. But, but I don't know when this airs. Oh, shit. Yeah, well, this is good. Yeah. So June 16th, which is also the night that Joker starts airing on on Thursday nights again.

For real? Yeah, we just finished film, finally film on season nine. We started in 2019. Jesus Christ. But yeah, June 16th is that show tonight. So we have two, Tom and I have two more episodes back, log. Yeah, the night before I might be able to fly in.

So we're gonna throw up party. But I wouldn't get there until that's fine. You know, like evening. Yeah, that's when we're gonna throw a party. We've got the upper deck. We're gonna throw a party on the upper deck. We'll have the whole field ourselves. We're gonna play some disc golf. We're gonna have some fucking cold drinks. All right. I'm gonna throw a party on the upper deck. We'll have the whole field ourselves. We're gonna play some disc golf.

We're gonna have some fucking cold drinks. I'm gonna try to get everyone in that night so that we can all have a party that night. And then we're gonna invite like, see if Pat McAfee wants to come out. Oh, I know. See if like some people come out that, Indiana people and throw a big party.

And that first show, I mean, so also secret time. I mean, I hopefully I don't know when this air is, but we've, we've been reached out by Notre Dame. Shane Gillis is a big Notre Dame fan. Yeah. A big Notre Dame fan. He's on that show. So we're going to get access to the Notre Dame facilities. It's right there. It's five minutes away. And do a dream day for Shane. What day? The fucking day of the show. No shit. So the day of the show, we'll all go over to South to the Notre Dame field.

We'll get fucking jerseys or whatever. It'll be, it'll be a fucking blast. But I'm planning that for everyone, like my goal is for anyone on the show. I want everyone to have a great time. Yeah. Like I'm going to great lengths to make sure that everyone enjoys it

So that they so that if we do it again next year that everyone goes. Oh, I did that again That was fun. I would have took the ride with you I just have I had dates book both weekends. Yeah, although as if it wasn't I would have I would have hopped on for the whole No, it's so much fun. It's we've got we've got three tour buses. We're doing private jets twice Just to get for like the long drive So it's like I'll get private, so I'll get G5s and get everyone up there and make sure everyone's comfortable. I'm not making any money on this tour, at least.

Because I said to Nick, I go, it's not about me making, I lose money if I make money on this tour, meaning if I make money, then I haven't done my job to make sure the tour had as much as it needs. Because this tour is only successful if we do a second one. Like this festival is only successful if we do a second one.

Because we're taking some big steps. We're doing, we're doing, so the ball parks are all sold out. Like the ball parks are all sold out. What are they? 6,000s? Oh, 14. Oh, really?

Minor league stadiums are 14. I think, I think I think a Dayton's 14 I think most of them are about 10 okay and so there is big fucking shows okay and and and then we're doing we're doing one arena we're doing a raceway and we're doing an amphitheater yeah and those those are are just we're just trying to find out what works we're doing some cities like this is like a real sample test. Sure, sure. Like what is definitively working for us?

So that if we do its season, do another run of this. Yeah. First of all, it's only successful as every single comic goes, oh dude, you got it. Like goes, oh, you got to do it. It was funny shit. Yeah. Trust me, Bert takes care of you.

Yeah. So that's why I go. That's what I haven't went to cruise, basically. Word amount from comics and every one. Every one of the second year, why I go. That's what I want to cruise, basically. Word amounts from comics and everybody's one of the second year of one's tech. Can I get on it? Can I get on every one of these? And that's the best part of it for me,

is I don't really make money on that either. I mean, I do, but I bring my whole family. Yeah. I 30 members, all my friends, everybody, I stack them on there. Then the next day, we get off at Everett the House. Everything you can think of, we pay the comics, like we even dip into ours to pay them more and everything. Dude, we just had a conversation today. Yeah, we were just talking about someone today and I said, uh,

I said, I really want this person and they were like, well, I went, let's okay, just get them. Yeah. And I was like, it's not, it's not like, it just, it just doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. And the reason I loved it. I don't want them to, yeah, I run myself reg and I do 16 shows in four days, plus host every party at night, plus walk the whole boat to all that stuff. So it, it, it kills me. And it's not like the best money in the world, but I love the fact that it's such a unique experience,

bringing all these people together. And the big thing is I love being able to give that many comics work. Dude, my big, I'm my big white whale. As when I did your cruise, I went to dinner with Nick at some sushi restaurant on your cruise. I said, I wanna do a cruise. I was like, I gotta do a cruise.

I'm in like, I was in, Nick was like, okay, we'll put in the books and I was like, I gotta do a cruise. And then I think that would have probably been the books that we not had the pandemic. Yeah, yeah. I think that probably would have lined up. You can still, you know, we can do it. At this point, you can do it no problem.

But I was like, that cruise was so much fun and you guys, you guys were so collectively generous. Like I remember, if you were a comic, you were allowed anywhere, you could do whatever you wanted. You had full access, you were treated like gold on that cruise. And by the way, there was, you had privacy, you could if you wanted to get away from everyone you could. Like everything was fucking, it was such a great, great,

great experience that I remember saying a nick that first night, we went to a sushi restaurant and I said, just so you know, put this on your radar, I wanna do this, I wanna do this. I almost want this exact boat, like I want, but you're, but there's an already radar. I want to do this. I want to do this. I almost want this exact boat. Like I want, but you're right. It's not about, I mean, I probably, I would argue to say the reason you're so successful

and stand up other than the fact that I think you're one of the funniest dudes in the world is that impractical jokers took an angle with comics that no one takes. You guys also can angle with comics that we said, we're gonna treat you with respect. And you weren't looking for anything. So all of a sudden, every single one of you guys was like, every comic was like, dude, those guys are cool as fuck.

They're funny as fuck, but they're cool as fuck. With the fully loaded, I went, I literally took a page out of you guys's book and I was like, I was like, hey man, all I want is everyone to be so taken care of. That's exactly what we said. Yeah. And I'm excited to do that. I was gonna be a fuck.

Yeah, so that's good. I mean, it's almost so exciting. That's the one when you told me about it. I was like, I wanna do it. Yeah. But how does it go when you guys have Like I'm filling in for Tom right now because for like your Schedules, what have you just do your do your audiences are they okay with that? Like are they gonna hate me? No?

No, no, like hey nice guy. Everyone likes you. They're gonna be like fuck this guy. He's not Tom Like I'm just trying to do like you know have fun and do your favorite fill in, you know, like, I'm gonna be like, this fucking piece of shit. No, no, no, okay. Sadly, sadly, the only one, the only one that forgets that is me. No, they're, like, just stuff and it was on two weeks ago. No, but now it's gotta be like four weeks ago. And I was very nervous because it was in, because we ended up crying.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I saw the clip, yeah. Yeah, and I was like, I was like, God damn it man. Like, and I was in Austin the week it dropped, and I said to Nidav, I actually, we sat in the dov before I said, if you want to edit that out, you can edit that out. Like, I don't, and I was like, if it, if it, and he goes, what are you fucking kidding me?

I was like, that was touching his, that was really touching. And I know Chris, I know he feels that way. We've had that conversations. But, but they're really cool about it. There's never been, even like when Ari came on, and I think a lot of our fans, a lot of our fans felt, I think this is coming from Ari's perspective. When Ari drugged me, there was a lot of people that ended up choosing sides and being like, there were a lot of people that didn't, but there

were a lot of people that like, birthed a bitch or Aureus a fucking bad person. And because I wasn't like, because the way it was supposed to go was I was supposed to get drugs and go like, oh you got me this is fucking awesome because that is how it works like when Jay got drug Jay I mean like Jay had legit feelings about that. Yeah, we talked on the phone. Yeah, and he's like I can't really share these with anyone because I and I watched what happened to you. Right. Like I you I went on Rogan and I was like, I wasn't cool with it. I wasn't, my wife wasn't cool with it. And she went on fucking did a podcast with Push

and was like fuck Ari. And she still hates Ari. And she won't ever hear our house. Like, oh really? She hates Ari. She hates, she still hates my daughters hate Ari. Oh wow. My daughters really hate Ari.

To this day, my daughters, I can't bring them up. I can't talk about them. I can't, I can't bring him up in my can't talk about them. I can't I can't bring him up in my house because they're like I remember one time. I'm by the way. I love Ari. I still love Ari. He's one of my best friends. One of my best friends. Yeah, I know. I don't he made he makes mistakes. He makes mistakes a lot. Yeah. And so like one time he was texting about something and I'm on my I don't even realize we're at dinner and I'm texting back and I think with George, it just grabs my phone and goes, no.

And then closes it and I said, what? She goes, not letting you text him. And I went, what are you doing? She goes, Dad, if a boy drugged me and you knew about it and you caught me texting with him, how would you feel? She had you dead to right. I was like, motherfucker. Yeah.

That's a good, yeah. That's a good point. So Ari was a guest bear one time. I think everyone was a little nervous on how it was going to come out. But everyone was cool. Everyone was like, hey man, it was actually good seeing you guys hang out. I know you guys were friends. I know you guys still are friends. Yeah.

You know, and then Ari hit me up and he was like, hey man, I really did a lot of good will for me. Like I think a lot of people realized that, you know, I made it. I already will never say he made a mistake. He's never going to say like, I wish I hadn't drug you. And I know for a fact, he definitely wishes he hadn't drugged me. Right. I'm certain he knows he goes, that was a big, I know he said that. He said that to me. Yeah. But, but usually most people,, I mean most people love a guest pair, like Brian Simpson, Felipe S. Barza is the best one.

Without, in my opinion, the best guest, best guest guest bear we've ever had, Felipe S. Barza, we were in Serbia, when I was in Serbia, they had guest pairs every single week. I gotcha. And Felipe S. Barza was fucking hilarious. Yeah. So, I'm saying like, do you guys,

is it just like, you're just looking for like laughing? Like, oh, you're getting, the end of getting to these serious conversations, aren't you? I don't know if your audience is like, just come on and just fuck around and make each other laugh or talk. Who knows if they wanna hear about fucking me, you know?

No, of course they do. Yeah. I mean, all I do is talk about me. That's all I do on the podcast is I talk about me and my crazy ideas. I, Tom tries to talk about himself and I interrupt him. I think there, I think a lot of people go, oh cool, Sal, who said I wouldn't, you know what?

And I guarantee you a lot of people are gonna go, I gotta check out taste buds or hey babe, I gotta check out his podcast. Yeah. You know, because I mean, I gotta check out taste buds, or hey babe, I gotta check out his podcast. Yeah. You know what's up? I mean, it's funny is that we think because we, I know we feel this way, but when we oversaturate ourselves on podcasts

that everyone hears everything we say, and then I did taste buds, and I got messages from people like, oh shit, I haven't seen you in a minute since you did, what you gonna call it. And I was like, oh shit. It's kind of cool. Yeah, yeah, I just don't know. Like, you know, a lot of times I'm like,

I was like, come on, I just like, make sure it's just like funny as fuck. But then you end up getting to real conversations. And I don't know if that's what people want to see. You know, like, I think people just want to, I just people think really people want to just hang and have like a, I can say this from my perspective. I don't need a podcast to be hilarious.

I love when it makes me laugh every now and then. I love a good laugh. But even at the funniest, the best podcasts I've ever done, there's an hour of parts where I didn't laugh. Yeah, sure, sure, sure. I just want to steal Brandon on Rogan, and he was talking about doing eye wasca for depression. I was fucking riveted.

Yeah. I was part of me, he's like, just why don't you drink? Okay. Yeah, I just be like, if you're already doing eye wasca in ketamine and zole often all these things, try my fix. Right. And just have a couple cocktails at the end of the night.

Well, he did, right? Or he he had no think ever drank. Oh, okay I don't know I don't know I actually I don't know what you said it. I don't listen a lot of people. Oh, he probably is I'm just assuming that you said he didn't drink so that was for a reason. I think his dad was a big Irish drinker Yeah, and so he probably like was like yeah, was like, yeah, I was good. Would you do it? Scared, but I keep hearing like, you know, just amazing things. I'm not the guy though, I don't think.

I'm scared of everything. So I got offered mushrooms. I did those. I've done mushrooms for four. I've only done twice. Great experience. Really? Yeah, first one was great. Second one didn't really take.

Yeah. But the first one was like wild. Really? Yeah, just like fun wild, not scary. I was going to do mushrooms. I may do mushrooms Friday at Steely Dan at the Hollywood Bowl. But here's my problem. I love Steely Dan.

I don't know if I need mushrooms to love them more. Like part of me goes, what if I do mushrooms? And then I'm like, and then I start freaking out and then I ruin getting to Steve Steely Dan. Right, right, right. You know, so like, yeah, I know that I can drink red wine. If you don't do mushrooms enough, I would say don't do it. Really?

If you don't do them enough, because then you don't really know, like, if you're not well versed, I don't do them enough. Yeah, then it's just Steve Steely Dan them that they're they're they're drug enough. Yeah, like I like I just want to see like I want to just have a good time. I wasca scares me because I can't let go. So I come a little bit of a control freak. Yes, so am I.

And so I can't therapy for that. Let I'm in therapy too. You need to control things otherwise I feel everything's out of control. Yeah. Yeah. That's why I don't, uh, I, I, I just, like once I do a podcast, I let it go. Cause I say some really regrettable things. Right. All right. I say it's a very regrettable thing.

Right. And I just go, I, and if I, and if I overthink about it, I'm sitting there in a fucking white nut going like with the crystal, Christa, Chris Leah, Chris, uh, the step in a one. Yeah. I was like, I was like, I cried pretty aggressively. I, there's a lot of things I didn't say. This is what, this is where my brain goes. I didn't once talk about moms. I'm sure there are moms that feel the way Chris and I do. There are moms that work. Allie Wong's got to feel that way as certain times. Right. I didn't mention women. I didn't mention the fact that both of us are complaining about making theoretically $100,000 in an evening.

Whatever his price point is, it's pretty high. So both of us are complaining about making a lot of money and being away for a weekend. When there are dads that would go, you could cut my right arm off. I'm doing it for $50,000, suck my dick part. So like when we had that, I got outside, and I was like, I was like thinking about it,

and I was like, and that's all the things that I think, as a control freak, I go back and I start micromanaging what I said or what I didn't say. Yeah, that's the internet though, that's the internet. That's all the people on the internet having their opinions, and you're gonna get one of every opinion regardless. You know, and then you read that shit

and you just think, oh, that's what the consensus is. Yeah. But it's really the internet. You just stop reading comments so much. I don't have to. It's easier said than done. I don't do it. I really don't do it.

But yeah, I get that. It's weird sometimes to come on and really open up about myself too, because like you said, like, you'll get that contingent of people that are like, oh, really? It wasn't that much money and it was this much money. But I grew up, I grew up nothing. But it's like, oh really, it wasn't that much money and it was this much money, but I grew up, I grew up with nothing, you know,

but like it's like, it is the nature of my situation. So if I'm gonna talk about it, then it's like, you know, then you're opening up and then people are gonna feel how they wanna feel about it. But I think a lot of, most of the people that probably listen to two bears, they're a lot of them are fucking your mom's house fans. Yeah.

And so they probably heard you on your mom's house Yeah, so they're probably like oh, I loved Bert I love Tom with Sal. Oh my god. What's Burke gonna do with them? Right, and then they're probably waiting for me to just steamroll you with Bert stories like I do constantly and and I bet they're going like Oh shit like this is oh wow. I loved it on your mom's house I didn't know this about Sal. Staten Island's pretty like. Right. Yeah, this was much more like a conversation about us

like on your mom's when we just fucking around. As he just shows you Asian people getting decapitated. Yeah, we left it. And we're actually. Oh, whatever Tom was. We only saw like one video. Everyone keeps going like what videos did you see? But we only put it like one.

Which one was it? Uh, the this a painting behind him of that guy that does like meth through a balloon and then complains and rants and he died. No, no, I don't, Tom and I don't have a lot of things. I don't certain things he likes. I just do not like. Well, he told me that he gets a lot of times this person is memorialized on the oil painting right behind him. And he said a lot of people come on and tell them that I look like the sky. So I was like really don't be bored of watching his videos.

I would I know that painting. Yeah. Yeah. This guy is like a he's like a crap meth head or something. Yeah. That like just rails on the internet. Like he's in shirtless and just telling you the problem with women and society and just in the middle of he's like I haven't slept in three days and I'm this is we just how you gotta do the meth and then he just like it was like, it was insane. And then like, yeah, he died. But, but yeah, that's the only video we watch. I know as you would just, it's fun though.

I have phantom strokes all the time. Where I start believing, I get myself worked into a dizzy. Right, go, I think I'm having a stroke. I think I'm having a stroke. And I don't, obviously. And then I end up sitting in my thing. And then you look at a guy like that who stays up for three days smoking meth and you're like,

he better die. But fucking please, like, looking at him, it was wild even, it was uncomfortable even watching. Really? So here's one of the things I like to do when we do guest bears and Tom does this too is I think, and this is, I don't know if this is the secret sauce,

but I like to talk about some a lot. Because I like, I don't, I don't know if this is the secret sauce, but I like to talk about Tom a lot. Because I like, I don't, I like to include him a lot. I like to shit on him, a good amount, but I like to, like he did it with spade, and I, I enjoyed it as a, I was like, I watched it, and watching spade shit on me. I was like, I was like, oh, that made me feel really cool. And then spade called me, or he does this voice thing, and he's like, I do the voice.

I'm like, you're gonna be there. I said, I shit on you. I hope you're cool with it. I was like, I was like, it's a fucking honor. He wore A6 in his special. No, weird. The one that just came out, right? I did a show with him.

Charity's showing Denver like a few months back. It's the first time I, well, I had not had met him before. But the first time we did comedy together I really talked to her and I'm, see, he was cool. I didn't know what to expect of him. He was fucking shit. He was cool.

We have mutual friends and stuff. Him and Norm were like out of that whole group of dudes. Him and Norm are probably, I'm, I'm, I'm, I guess I met Adam Sandler. I wouldn't say that I met Adam Sandler. Were you on the show after me? I've already met Adam Sandler with Big J. No, no, not that one.

I've met him and I have some stories, but like, no, I wasn't on that one. I remember, I remember like people shit on you or something. Oh, I shit the bed so bad. I shit the bed. Can I tell you I'd rather shit the bed than succeed sometimes? Yeah. I'd rather, no one can, you're impervious.

Knowing you are flawless when you shit the bed, because you fucked up for ever. The only thing you do is celebrate how bad you did. Sure. But when you do good, people can find holes in it and tell you why you suck. But when you shit, like, I was panicked. I was panicked that I offended Adam Sandler.

So I was like, I didn't say any of the names of his movies, right? Right. I didn't say that any names of he was Luke Wong with you, right? Because you were like, well, he was just, it was you and someone of Steve. When he coming, yeah, I didn't let him talk. Yeah. Like it did a typical fucking me where I was like, I don't even hear a cool story. And he was like, sure.

I have Adam Sandler on the fucking line. Right. And I'm like, dude, Bert, huge fan. Hey, do you have Netflix? By the way, he's a $250 million in deal at Netflix. Right. He definitely has Netflix. He's like, yeah, I have Netflix.

I go, oh, you should check out my new special. Everyone's like, the fuck's he doing? I go, you want to hear a cool story in college? Did you check that I was dating? She ended up parting with you. And she called me and she was like, hey, do you want to come over? And she didn't tell me you're there. but you were at one covert and I didn't go. And then, but and then I wish I'd gone. He was like, you'd go nowhere story, right?

Right. Right. Right. And then he was like, oh, cool. And I go, I was just showing you my daughter's your movie, Happy Madison, not the name of his movie. That's his production company. Yeah. And he's like, uh, huh? And I go, we want to see precious gems, not the name of his movie. Oh, and I just shit the bed, and I couldn't stop talking. He never talked, and I got in the car and Jay took it. You did that like, farly bit from SNL, like remember that time when like, that was awesome. Jay called me and he was just getting you a heads up.

We just trashed you pretty fucking car. That's kind of a like a, like when Jay trashes you, it's a fun trashing. Yeah. Oh yeah. It's like the fucking greatest. Yeah. But but yeah, I don't know why. Oh, but spade and norm. Are my like those two guys were like the were were like the solidest dudes. Yeah. Out of that whole group. Man, I always wish I knew Norm. I only met him once and we did a charity event together.

It was golf outing, but he was pretty drunk at the time. Really? Yeah, he didn't. I was like so excited to me. He was hosting, we did this for years. I did this Derek Jeter celebrity golf tournament thing that we go to. And the first, the second year I went, he was hosting the Gala event that night with like

the auction and everything like that. And you got to play golf for a couple of days and talk about they treat you right. I mean, they put us up in like sky suites in the area. Everything, every single thing that you did in that hotel was 100% comped. Anyway, you went dinners, lunches, breakfast, if you wanted to go to the spa, like they gave you golf shit, and we played Shadow Creek, which is like this amazing, I don't really golf, but it's like this amazing exclusive.

It's so great. And we just, all of this is you go there and like they partner you up with like, like people that big contributors and stuff and you play golf. So Norm that night, the 600 people in this gala event, and there's like silent auctions and all this stuff, and he's gonna host it and then he's gonna bring up Jeter. And like that later that day, we 600 people on this gal event. And there's like silent auctions and all this stuff. And he's gonna host it and then he's gonna bring up Jeeter.

And like that later that day, we were on the golf course. The golf course was crazy. Like they had designated stations at each hole. So one station had like a barber and a guy to shave you. One station had massages. One station had a bar set up with dancers. Like it was just wild. It was crazy.

So at the party hole, like people kind of stop and hang for some beer. So it gets backed up. So Norman's there and he looked like he was pretty drunk. And then he went up to, to, to, to, I guess, T off. And he swam. Everyone's watching him. It was like nerve-wracking. And he swung and I remember like he hit the ball. I went like on the ground directly to the right of him, but he was so drunk and he just was like looking up Like you know like and I'm going to tell him the balls over there. I was like hey Norm, you know whatever. I just The thing starts and he's not there and like he's not there yet

And then like I could tell like by the way, I saw by the way everybody was like yeah, yeah But but I was like oh shit and then like we kind of held up the thing a little bit and then he got there and he he was Norm, you know like and he did for us we were dying But he was at like a 600 person charity gala event for child and education was the retired athletes and all these people and he like I don't know on of date they all know exactly what you get when you get him and like for us That's what we want, you know, but he did what we wanted and I thought it was a sterile, but it was not it was bombing You know, it was not like they didn't understand it and I think it was a little a little joke. You know, and he was so funny, but he's telling jokes in his curse.

He wasn't doing material like so much as he was hosting. But he was dropping a fuck here and a fuck there. And you know, like it's a charity for kids and stuff. So like it was just funny. Like it was murmuring all he was going, and we were crying. Yeah. And then he introduced Derek,

that Gita gets up and like it was, you could tell it was like the elephant in the room Yeah, and Gita would just very cool either way he is just goes man somebody got to tell no one This is a charity for children and then everyone like a poor is Yeah, and then that was that but then then they came up to us the next year and they're like, hey, would you guys host? Would you guys host the next year? So we always did the next year. Oh, did you really? Yeah, yeah, shut up. Yeah, but I was like, that was my only interaction

with Noah Mervor. He's, he was, he was just so fucking cool. Yeah. Yeah, he like, I've no, I've told the story before, but when, hey, big boy is gonna come out March 17th. It was St. Paddy's day and I was gonna do, I used to do this thing called call and stick to work where I know it, you remember it?

And so we were gonna do a call and stick to work show. So stay at home, home orders, kick in like the fucking tent or whatever, so no one's allowed out of their house. And I get a call from Norm March 17th. Hey, are we still doing this show today? I was like a state homeowner's norm. He's like, okay. That's how you want to do it We were gonna join it from work Yeah, what time is it? How long do you somewhere to go? I've a dentist appointment. Yeah, no worries

Yeah, I've got someone coming to scoop me up. So whenever what time what time how long have we been going? We should probably wrap it up. Yeah, cool. Yeah, no worries. Yeah, I got someone coming to scoop me up. So whenever. What time, how long have we been going? We should probably wrap it up. Yeah, cool. Yeah, they're coming in a few minutes. Yeah, I got a hold of my tooth. I got to go get looked at. Yeah, man.

I sent a picture of my wife and she was like, I'm taking care of this. And I was like, okay, great. So funny. I should tell my lady, I'm like, please set me up with an invisible line appointment. She takes care of it. Yeah, oh yeah. But at this point, what do you care? I tell my lady. I'm like, please set me up with an invisible line appointment. She takes care of it. Yeah. Oh, yeah. But at this point, what do you care? I don't know. I just I know so many people doing it.

Like I so many people and they're like, it's no big deal. I don't want it. Really sucks. And visline sucks. Well, Leanne got it. I go, you're getting Cosmic surgery and you're doing your teeth. Who gives a fuck about your teeth? You get to get your tits. We're with your tits. Yeah. Let's do your t You get to get your tits. For with your tits. Yeah. Let's do your tits. I'm gonna do my tits. Yeah.

But like you already have a great smile. It's you. No, I just like, I don't know. I thought it was an easy way. I didn't know I could do that. You got everyone's like, it's great. You're just wearing it. In vis-align, you gotta put bumpers all over your teeth.

Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, you get a little bumpers. But I thought you don't. Are you sure about that? Um. Is there maybe a different 100% certain Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, you get little bummer. But I don't, you don't? Are you sure about that? Um, oh. Is it maybe a different, um, a hundred percent certain, because my wife for the whole time, for the whole time, but I thought the whole point was invisible. It's not invisible.

It's not invisible. It should not be called invisible. It should not be called invisible. Okay. It should be called what the fuck's in your mouth align? Oh, really? Uh, yeah. She got invisible. not be called in Visaline. Okay. It should be called what the fuck's in your mouth align? Oh, really? Yeah. She got in Visaline.

We're supposed to do a show with Sebastian Manescalco. His wife, the owner of a, what's Bert, Bert, backerman? Bert, backerat? I don't know, I can't remember. But so, Bert, backerat? No, some Bert, Bert, he's got a restaurant here. I suppose it was big show for Sebastian. Sebastian's got like. He's got a restaurant here. As far as it was big show for his bastion.

His bastion's got like it's a fucking big thing. It's got a cooking show on food network. Oh yeah. And so we're kind of, we're going to come out and we're in, we're doing the show. And Lee and I go, I'm going to get my own business line today. And I go, oh cool. And so she shows up that day and she's like,

it was really uncomfortable. And I go, what the fuck are you doing with your mouth? What are you talking about? I said, we're about to go fucking on television show. You have to get that shit out of your mouth. I just wear it all the time and I go, no, no, no, no, I go, what the fuck's on your teeth? You guys, no bumpers are driving me crazy. I go, they're fucking really noticeable. And she goes, you can see them. I go, you're talking like a fucking idiot. I go, yeah, I go, I, I, so what happens when you pop it out, then you got these fucking butt. This is what you're, you got bumpers all over your teeth. Where are the bumpers all over your fucking teeth? Are you, oh, I didn't realize that. Oh,

yeah, they put, they don't tell you that. I don't tell you that. Yeah, you do. When I see people, yeah, you do people like I've had a business like you do. People like, I've had a business like, people have taken it out and I've been like, oh, wow, and they've been like, I've been doing it for a year. Nope, it's okay. So towards the end. So you do like six months with bumpers.

And then they do six months without bumpers. And then you gotta wear it when you sleep or something. Yeah, yeah. Look at those bumpers. They're so fucking noticeable. I did not know that. So I was just worried about getting on stage and being able to speak.

Everyone will be like, what's on your teeth? Okay. It's so distracting. I mean, I don't know how long braces take, but I just assume due braces. I had him as a kid. I told him, I don't know why my parents didn't make me. I was like, do the top.

I'm good with the bottoms. I said that. I was seventh grade. I'm good with the bottoms. I'm like, all right. I almost got all my teeth on, because I was like, we were getting ready to do the bottoms. Like I said that I was seventh grade. I'm like I'm going to the bottom. So I'm like, all right. I almost got all my teeth on like because I was like, uh, we were getting ready to do the movie. And I said, I'm just going to get my teeth because all my teeth are fake. They're all bonded or crowned or or veneered. Everything's like a hit them

out the baseball bat. So I said to my wife, I'm just going to get all new teeth. It's a very easy procedure for me. So I've already got everything done. I'm nervous to do that. Well, that's I'm more nervous to do that than just straighten them a little bit because I don't want to look different. That is what I feel like. What if, and if you don't like it, when you have, there's no reversing that,

then you just gotta like, you know. Someone said this, this is not my fault. Someone said this and I, it stuck with me so bad because I didn't have a choice. I got in the mouth of baseball bat. Everything is corrective for me. So like I have broken teeth all inside here that are covered up with these teeth. And by the way, these aren't the best teeth. Like, these are fragile because there's all, everything's fragile in my mouth. But you've had that forever. I've had this since I was 11 years old. Right. So for me now, I've been in the public for,

I just feel like almost sometimes, I'm smiling. It's like, type in, type in, type in, OJ Simpson. OJ Simpson's teeth are so aggressive. We talked about this recently, me and Tom. You think it's teeth at the first thing that's gonna come up? You think you should type in OJ Simpson teeth. So look at his, look at his, look at his new teeth.

Type in, okay. Is it absurd? He did an interview. So his old teeth were pretty normal. Okay, go that one. See these teeth, they don't you're not supposed to be that white on that old of a man. Yeah. Like and so like, it's kind of like you don't notice someone with with regular teeth. You don't they don't stand out that you just go, oh yeah, I never notice her teeth. No one wants you to say, have you seen this teeth? Like that's the not thing, so when I was gonna get them all done,

I told Leanne, she goes, her Leanne's like, she wanted your teeth done. And she was like, no, you're not getting your teeth done. And I said, why? And she goes, because you're gonna look like a fucking guy who got some money, got his teeth done. And you're like, and she's like, and then you're not gonna look like this.

Yeah, and I go, yeah, but there'll be all white. And she goes, yeah, but everyone already knows you. money got his teeth done. And you're like, and she's like, and then you're like, that's what it is. Yeah. And I go, yeah, but there'll be all white. She goes, yeah, but everyone already knows you. You got shitty teeth. The teeth you got are the teeth you have. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Like what are you going to fuck? She goes, like, I have one, like right here, that's the, it shouldn't be this dark. So I can get that one fixed. Or I can get like, this one's pretty yellow. I can get that one fixed. But to get all new teeth. Yeah. It all the sudden you wreak of someone that got brand new teeth. And every time you smile, type in the cast

of this and it's so distracting. You can't, all you can see is their fucking teeth. Who? And the cast of, what's the, what's the remake of Yellowstone? Yellowstone. Oh, 1890, 1796. It's supposed to be 1896.

Everybody's got the fucking perfect team. I didn't start watching. I heard that one. How the fuck did you get to this, Austin? Austin was that just a type of cast of 1986 show and nothing. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know.

Well, they got to shave them down to like those spikes. Like I don't know if I can handle that at all the shaving. Why would you let them take your perfectly good teeth? Yeah. Turn them into fucking posts and then put a fucking fake. It's someone said everyone does it. It's crazy. In our industry anyway. It's crazy. You got great teeth. Yeah, I chipped this one I chipped on a fucking Miller high life. I fall things to chip it on. I was bartending. I made a joke and I'd swig the beer for effect. I just looked at and I was like,

it's all I see when I look at you. You can get that fixed. I know, but I'm also afraid to shave that down, and then have shorter teeth from the teeth I always knew. You know what I mean? I'm just scared. I don't know. But now I got a space and I got, I don't know. I just, I'm just like, I just thought it was

a very easy simple way to correct my own natural teeth. I was like, sure, you know, as opposed to getting fake teeth. No, you can, there's, there's in Bizline, not, there's sponsor of the podcast or they were at one point, but there's them business line alternatives, where that'll, that are I think are better. Well, we, one of them sponsors our podcast to do them. Yeah.

Because yeah, like, it's the same thing with like, hair implants. So like, someone told me they could get, they're like, I just, you know, I'll just, I can stem cell your head and it'll grow all new hair. And I was like, really? And I told my wife, she goes, your hair looks fine. What are we doing? Like what are you doing? Do you need to be the guy that looks like you've been

through a lot of plastic surgery? Right, right. You just grow old. Right, right, right. And I was like, I don't know, I wouldn't mind a full head of hair. Yeah, well, you don't, you barely wear a hat. I mean, you rarely don't wear a hat.

Well, I know, because I don't wanna fucking deal with my hair. And so I just wear hats all the time. It's just easiest. And I like, I've always liked hats. And I like, and I love, I think I look cute in hats. Yeah, you look cute when you put on the outfit. By the way, oh my God, I just realized, I am the guy that wears hats a lot.

Yeah. Yeah, stop wearing hats. It's like when Josh, I just I just realized I am the guy that wears hats a lot. Yeah It's like when Josh my mommy's just a little cuz you want baseball hats all the time She said that'll make you go bald and I don't know to this day if that's true or not She said your hair doesn't breathe and I met Steve Garvey he had a flood hair Steve Garvey Wow Steve Garvey, wow. Steve Garvey. So. You ever see that clip on the internet of Brett, what's his name? George Brett talking about a shitty took and he knows Mike.

Oh, please, we'll be able to play that without getting in trouble. Why don't we play it, though? It's like, it's like literally like batting practice and that and he forgets that he's Mike and he's telling this guy about a shitty took and then he's asking the guy about He's asking the guy about shits that he might have taken another baseball player and the guy's like yeah, and he's guys like Inch in a way from him And he's like I took a took a shit one time they tells that he's just told me about it times. He shit himself Part of the left side shit my pants last night. I did

Went out and had a great meal just a great fucking meal. I had to go to bathroom so bad in the car. I'm going, try to hold you up and I got a shit. I had fucking shit in my pants. I wouldn't be. He says something when he did. I'm good twice a year for that. When was the last time you shit your pants? Yeah. Been a while? This guy, they just a couple years ago. Just the honest or God true story. Staying with the Belagio, I went over to the garage for dinner and met some friends of mine over there.

Went to Kokomo, a great little estate house. The guy brings out some fresh crab legs. It just came in, I got to give them to you guys. I'm eating them. Then we go play gamble a little bit And I have a tea time early in the morning. So I said look I got to get going I'm walking back to the hotel. I get three quarters away out of the lobby and all of a sudden I go oh Fuck and I'm standing here like this. I got my butt pinched so fucking I'm fucked. I can't move

All of a sudden, you know felt all right. I want just like this All of a sudden, you know, felt all right. I want just like this. I wanted that some food poisoning from the crabs. Take off my leather jacket. Tied it around my waist. I'm just standing there and it's just running down my leg. I got jeans on, black bucks, no socks. And I just start fucking walking every time I'm walking something's coming out there's water great fucking water then this guy's trying to suck it stretch you all out of them then I'm standing outside my spot and tell myself I call the guy I said Larry you won't believe this I'm standing outside the fucking blaster I can't move I got shit everywhere I shit all over myself and Larry's about a a 48 place. So he brings me over a pair of pants and some

towels and some towels. And so he then he comes over and he meets me where I'm that telemorms. And he finds the closest bathroom when you go up the escalator and go into the fucking I can't get in the elevator. So so he goes in and he finds the closest bathroom in a lobby at a hotel, and then I get in the escalator, and he kind of sheds like he dropped something. So no one gets behind me. Tells me where it is.

I go in there, he goes in, just to towel, wet for me, throws it over the fucking stall. I take off all my fucking clothes, just wipe off, leave my shoes, look, my shoes, my pants, everything right there, the towels, right there in a walk towels, and I'm walking here and his pants that are 48 waist to the lobby like this midnight. Got up in the morning, took the most perfect double tapered shit I've ever had. You're starting to get your thoughts on pictures in this game

I mean you can't be more it cannot be more comedically timed You guys can't get away from these shit stories walking toward the dugout. He's trailing them That's the fucking greatest that makes me like George Brent so much. It's unbelievable, right? What a great fucking story let woke up the next morning. I don't even know what a double tapered shit is I think it starts round and ends round really had tapered yeah like your pants I've never heard so I refer to shit like that tapered is perfectly length woke up the next morning took it It's so funny story with a picture funny story with the pictures. By the way, I'm gonna recreate this on on fully loaded. Just go up to Taylor Thompson. Shit my pants so bad.

Unless I'm you shit your pants. The guys like. I think he's like, he's like, I'm following up the duck out. That makes me like George Brett so fucking much. He's like, he's like, he's like, he's not following up the duck out. That makes me like George Brett so fucking much. Oh shit. Oh, all right. Let's get you out of here. Thank you.

You're able to show that. I don't know who cares. Okay. Yes. Uh, uh, an adorable figure now. Yeah. Yeah. Sure.

I guess, uh, it's fair right usage. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Right. There's no music in it. No. No. It's right usage. Yeah. Yeah. Right? There's no music in it. No.

No. It's George Brett. Yeah. By the way, open in by George, if you want to be a guest bear. Oh, wow. Gotta be fun and just talking about shit in your pants stories. The whole time. He's got him.

It sounds like he shits his pants twice. He's talking about twice a year. Twice a year. Twice a year. Yeah. I shit my pants a lot. Do you? I shit my pants.

I shit my pants by more than the average person like on the way to and you Don't make it or like oh spaghetti. Oh, this is this is bad timing Like I know spaghetti or like I roll the dice a lot like I yeah like I Of fart when I'm not sure it's just a fart. So it's on you. Yeah, it's really on me this morning. I almost shit my pants Because I wanted my coffee, because I was like, I was like, I got up, I do press it like seven. So I got up at six, 30, six o'clock, made coffee,

and as I'm making coffee, I go, I gotta shit right now. And I was like, God damn it, if this coffee was made just like 20 seconds earlier, it would be perfectly timed out. Sure. But now I'm waiting for the coffee and I'm holding it in and I'm holding it and I had to carry the coffee like this because I had to walk so fast, I couldn't hold it like this.

I had to carry it like this and I waited too long and my shit was a half of a shit because I had pushed it back so far. What happens then? Do you just take off, do you throw the clothes out? Are you putting that in the wash? No, no, I didn't shit my pants today. I got, I got to the toilet. Oh, okay.

But it was half a shit because I had pushed it into me so much. Okay. So now I have another half of a shit inside of me that I got to get rid of. So it was, it would have been a huge shit. Actually, today I thought to myself, I wish I shit longer. I wish I could shit, I wish this shit would come out of my ass for like a minute and a half.

Instead of what happens is it explodes out of me. I push and it's almost like a bouncer kicking someone out at two in the morning. Yeah. Like a guy who's been talking shit, but I grabbed the shit by the back of the hair and rushing out the door to throw. And I went, yeah. What I, he didn't want to hear anything. Yeah, you're out.

You're out. And I, and I, today I actually thought, I want this to take long. I really enjoy shit. Yeah. And I didn't. And I actually thought, I want this to take long. I really enjoy shit. Yeah. And I didn't. And I, well, I only had half a shit. But the worst I ever shit my pants was tennis camp. I shit my pants really bad at tennis camp.

I was playing this kid. I wish I remembered his name. His sister was really pretty. You would go away? Tennis camp. No, no, tennis camp was in Tampa. It was at Carallwood. Okay.

And so we were playing on the courts. And as the kid was walking up, I thought, I gotta take a shit. And I remember thinking, I was sitting at the thing waiting for him to show up and he wasn't there and I was like, all right, I'm gonna go take a shit. And I was like, I gotta take a shit. He was like, hey, you ready to play?

And I was like, I'll just play. I was like, oh, it's not gonna be a shit that bad. Right. And I started, I was winning, but it was like a good match. And then I was like, oh, I have to shit now. Tenish shorts. And tennis shorts, socks, stance, and this. What year?

Tenish shirt. I must have been, I must have been fifth grade. Oh, so these are tennis shorts. These are like the short shorts. I ate, yeah. 70 days. So I, I start playing and I'm playing good, but I'm, I have to shit so bad.

And I, and I, and I didn't want to just go, hey, I have to take a shit because that's not the age where you can say that. So I just throw them, I throw the first set. And I, and I just let him start winning. And I'm like, great shot. And then I'm like, great shot, great shot again. Another race, you're amazing, you're killing it.

Oh, it's in the net. I'm having such a bad day today. And then I go, okay, I got to go running use the restroom. And now I am like about to ship my pants. And I go hauling ass. I don't know what Carol would look like anymore, but what the men's locker room used to be over by the pool. And so I go running into the men's locker room. And it comes out the second that I opened the stall. I drop my tennis pants and it starts coming out as I drop my tennis pants. And I shit half in my tennis pants, half on the seat. I sit in it, the tail of my shirt gets in it. And it's in my socks, it's everywhere. I take off my shoes, I take off my, I'm throwing, I'm gagging. Yeah. I take off my shoes, my socks. I throw my shoes over to the next stall.

I get up. What's that door process? I'm just, I'm like, I'm like, we're, we're, we're made. No, we're resetting. We're getting, we're getting, what are there someone in that stall? There's no one in the men's locker room. Okay.

There's no one's men's locker room. I throw my shoes over to the top, over the top to the next stall and I, and I call it a wash. I walk away from all this shit all over everything and I, I have, I leave my pants, I leave my shirt, I'm like, fuck this. But you just leave it there? So I have nothing, so I have nothing now.

No, no, I throw the shirt, I might have thrown the shirt and pants in the thing, but I leave the shit all over the toilet. Okay, sure. I have now one clean sock that I'm doing the best, clean myself up with. I get in the shower, I'm rinsing shit off me, I'm totally naked.

All I own at this point are a pair of stance myths. Okay, the shirt and pants are gone I don't have them underwear gone and you're a kid and I'm 10 years old. I'm guessing 10 years old 12 years old and I go and I start jiggling men. I have no clothes. I have no clothes. You trying to tell me to try to loot a locker jiggling lockers and and And a lot of them were open. This is the fucking 80s. Yeah, and I lock our lockers in the 80s. I find a pair of men's tennis pants and a shirt and I fucking put them on. I went out and finished looking match. I used one of my shoelaces to tie the

fucking pants around my stomach and I finished the fucking. What did the people that saw you before you went into the restroom thing? I have no idea. You came out. I came out with like, in a man's outfit. I came out. I tell you that doesn't look like what happened. What happened? What happened? Something a bit more ominous. I want to say I must have thrown the match and been like, I can't play anymore. I can't really remember. All I remember is I was, I remember being humiliated. I've had two moments like this in my life. One was in a speedo, and one was in that was this.

And I remember I was devastated. I was humiliated. I might have gone back in and tried to clean stuff and bring it back out. Like I might have tried to wash my shirt. I don't remember everything, but I do remember being in men's pants. And my mom picked me up.

I'm like face like this, and I get in, and this is, I And my mom picked me up. I am like face like this. And I get in and this is, I love my mom very much because she was not, sometimes she was not very connected. I mean, someone else is close. I'm, I smell like shit. Yeah. And she goes, how was your day? And I went, I remember just follow a part of you.

How was my day? I'm like, my clothes, look at me mom. And I was like, how was my fucking day what the fuck are you talking about? I'm a fucking belt. There's one of my shoes out of his shoe lace. Like, what the fuck are we talking about? I had no socks on.

I looked like I was sexually assaulted. What the fuck, I was my day. How's your day? I remember just being devastated. I just hope someone's listening right now and it's like, that's what my fucking pants went. Dude, we had done through a McDonald's run the week before and we had all eaten a lot of McDonald's

and we were mashing up McDonald's with white castle and we were making ultimate burgers with white castle McDonald's inside them with sometimes a fried chicken. It was so fucking good, but we do it the night, we go, we have a great night, we go drinkin' we're partyin', we barbecue, we eat McDonald's great night, we go drink them, we're party in, we barbecue, we eat McDonald's late night, I go to bed, I wake up, I like six in the morning and I have to shit.

I'm 48 years old, 47 years old, I'm a grown man. I have to shit, I have to shit immediately and I make a decision not to shut on my bus, but to go into his house to take a shit in his downstairs bathroom. I can't shut on the bus, right? I can't shut on the bus. No one's ever shut on the bus. Right. So I go downstairs, I go back to the bathroom,

and as I go to take my pants off, it comes out everywhere. I remember distinctly thinking, one, now I know long-erber pair of pants. I don't have pants, but I remember looking at shit all over that, I mean, I shit everywhere. It came out like a fire hose. And I remember thinking the only time I ever felt this way was when I fell off of waterfall and I had to

get myself out of a 200 foot ravine on my hands and knees. And I thought, I can't do this. I remember looking at the shit everywhere going, I can't do this. This is going to be a long fucking morning. Wow. I've got to clean all this shit up. And I have gag reflexes. Yeah. And I was looked at and I was like,'m, and I was like, I want my... How much shit was that? An insurmountable amount of shit. Just insane. I mean, in what form was it?

It was shit on the wall, on the toilet, underneath the toilet. In the back, it was everywhere and it was on me. And it was, my pants are gone. I now have no pants, no pants. it was everywhere and it was on me. And it was, my pants are gone. I now have no pants, no pants. I didn't wear shirt and no pants. I'm naked and I'm like, okay. I remember thinking the only other time I felt like this

is when I thought I broke my back and I had to climb hands and foot out of a ravine, 210 feet. And I remember thinking, I can't do this. I need my mom right now. Right, right. I need someone to fix this for me. I shit all over the wall in Aspen. I got food, I got food,

I got what, what emotion, whatever sickness or air altitude sickness. And I took a shit. As I started a shit, it smells so bad. I started to throw up. I started a shit. I leaned into the toilet. I have a week, I have a week.

I can start gagging right now. Yeah, just try to. Yeah. As I throw up, it comes out the other end and hits the wall. I then, I have a week. I can start gagging right now. I'll just try to. As I throw up, it comes out the other end and hits the wall. I then give up. I just walk away. My mom, my sister, my sister is my mom. My wife, my kids are there, my dad.

I get in the shower. I throw up in the shower a few times. I then, in totally naked, I walk into a bedroom and I tell my wife, I go, Leanne, I need you to come in here. I'm sick to my stomach. And I go, she goes, what's the matter? So. I and I go she goes, what's the matter? So I need your help. So what's the matter? I said, well, I took a shit in there and I think I should all over the wall and

Leanne looked at me. She goes, I'll go get your mom. No way. My mom came in. Oh, my mom, I need your help. I think I should know what about in your friend's house, though. What happened? I cleaned it up. Did he know he doesn't know to this day. He doesn't know. He doesn't know. Whole, but why are you trying to protect him? Because I don't want him.

Why couldn't you say his name? Oh, you don't want him to know. I don't want him to know. Oh, you don't want him to know. You're not protecting any of your protect any of your. Even with all these details, he could figure it out. Or he better hope that it's someone else. But it was.

Yeah, because let me ask you this, you didn't have access to the proper cleaning products, did you? I had a bathroom. Now listen, my memory is always bad. Whatever I had in that bathroom I had. Okay. Almost certain. If you ask him, he would probably say to say to anyone around that week, my mom did say

she was missing a set of towels. No way. I'm almost certain I used this full set of towels and just like threw it over like an oil stain, just fucking, it was so aggressive. It was so, it's the worst. All I thought was I'm back at tennis camp. I'm naked and there's shit all over everything.

We did a live what alive, hey babe. And someone raised the hand to tell us they were shit stories go raised their hand, we called it a shick weenie, and that's not sure. And this is what she did. She was in a boyfriend's house, and the family was there, and she was nervous that she had to go to the bathroom.

Follow this. She didn't want to go in there because she just didn't want them to know she was going to the bathroom. So she went into a bedroom, took a shoe box, shit in a shoe box. Oh, oh. Shit in a shoe box. I love this girl.

Instead of using the bathroom, she's shit in a shoe box, closed it, put it in a bag, tied the bag up with the footage, and then she walked outside, went to the garbage and put her shit in the garbage bell. Instead of going into the bathroom. She's shit in the shoe box. What was she got? I don't remember what she looked like. I she's not. I don't remember what she looked like. I'm guessing not.

I don't remember. I mean, either that or a fucking savage. I mean, it was noble. Like everybody was like, wow, let's respect. But that's fucking crazy. Can't imagine just shit in the shoe box. I'm not good with that. I don't go into public lessons.

I should have a piece of box to win an election. Of course. Yeah. I'm pretty good with that. I won't even go into public restaurants, actually. I should have a piece of box to win an election. Of course. Yeah. I'm pretty good with that. I won't even go into public restaurants actually. I love public restaurants. No.

One of my favorite things in the world is when you sit down on a toilet and someone has just been sitting on it and it's still warm. You're a psychopath that I thought I knew you. I love it. That's the most, what you just said to me is that one of the best things is literally a torturous nightmare or such. And one of the worst things is that It's actually my most hated thing. I don't like going to the movie theater seat

that's still warm. Oh my God. A boss seat, a subway seat. You wanna, they're flesh. I love it. It was just on that while they was squeezing out. Well, I know that it's skin to skin. It's like a handshake.

Oh God, no. It's the body. No, it's the body. The one at the few times, the few times in my life where it was do or die, and I absolutely had to, I don't even like to go into pee, I hold my pee in. I cuffed my cuffs up into here, if I have to even step in, everything's wet,

and I won't stand right in front of the urinal, I'll just stand back like a foot, I don't care. I just hope, because it's always a puddle right below it. Like, I'm like this, we have pissin' shit all over, so we don't even know, and then you walk in your house, you don't take your shoes off. Now it's in your house. Now, you know, now you, now you, now you sit down, now you're, now it's on your clothes, you know, and now you bring the clothes into bed. I don't know, man, I don't do it. But the toilet looks like a mummy when I have to shit. And I just take the one full roll that's committed to wrapping the toilet.

I just take one roll. Make sure it is two. Take one roll. And I just take the one full role that's committed to wrapping the toilet. I just take one role, make sure it is two, take one role and I just do like five minutes of work and I'm sitting on a 100% wrapped, fully wrapped toilet. Real swear to God. Oh, I run dog and every time. Oh no, I run dog and I like just disease and shit. No, oh my ass, dude, what about the dick in the front? Oh, I've had my dick touch the oh

No, no, no, no, no, are you fucking nuts? I Make it so that you just touching Scott tissue. Oh, no, no, I don't give a shit I'll Open behold there. It's not horrible. I spent on the toilet seat Oh God you're misinformed I'm cleaning the seat Oh

Who else does that I think everyone How can you possibly be comfortable with that scenario? Everyone. No, no, no, it on my special. I took a shit. I've taken twice in my life once in Japan and once in Denver, Colorado. I took a shit that was so bad. The guy in the stall next to me threw up. It's swear to God. That's swear to God. No, that's swear to God. No, that's swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. The one in Denver, the one in Denver was so bad. We had been drinking all day and in the morning, we had had a beer with an egg and a raw egg in it.

Oh, God. And so I drank that and we had just ordered pizza. We were doing a pilot for travel channel called it's five o'clock somewhere and I said, I gotta take a shit, this is gonna be bad. I can feel it. I went into the bathroom, I wish I knew the bar. And as I went this shit, I started shitting and I heard the guy next to me go, what the fuck did you eat?

Who is that? And I- So, yeah, I remember my- I drive here when I see drive here. Oh, I- And then, oh my god, that's got off. I mean, I hate when I go in there. And guys, it just like, just no respect for anything. How are you supposed to sign like this shit? I guess I don't know. That's a good point.

But like, if I see feet right there or whatever, I don't think I can do it. Oh, for real? And then, by the way, like don't we exit together? And I know it's you. I'm looking at you. I know. I'm looking at you. Shoes. Everybody knows who you are. Like I know you are. Like it's so weird to not know you, but know what you just did in that stall. I got off a plane one time from Ireland. We were doing a Jamison comedy tour. And I was

I was that morning. I almost missed the flight because we have been out of the strip club the whole night before. And that I got on the plane morning I almost missed the flight because we had been out on the strip club the whole night before. And that I got on the plane. I drank the whole flight first class. And this is back when I didn't fly first class, whole class, first class leather jacket, hoodie on, headsets in. I have these great noise reduction headsets and big, big, fry, fry, uh, uh, engineer boots, jeans, gray hoodie, leather jacket, sunglasses, fry, uh, engineer boots, jeans, hoot, gray hoodie leather jacket, sunglasses,

drunk as fuck. I have to shit so bad. It's all the food from Ireland from the dinner before is about to come out of me. I'm not shitting on this plane. I'll ruin this plane. I get, we're in Atlanta. I walk this is right after that hurricane hit downtown Atlanta. I walk right in, go off the plane, backpack on into the bathroom, sit down and shit. So loud and so aggressively, I can hear it through my noise reduction headsets. I'm still listening to Wilco and I hear, I hear, so loud that I take off my headsets to hear if anyone's laughing and I hear a woman's voice Are you okay?

No, I walked into the women's bathroom. I was shitting in the women's bathroom I didn't I was so drunk. I just walked in the first bathroom and started shitting in the women's bathroom And then I just had to put my hoodie back on and pretend I was a WMDA player Sorry, it was rough. You're a piss yourself NBA player, just walk out like, yeah, sorry, it was rough. You were a piss yourself. Yeah, but like full strike piss, like not a little bit, like not some dots, but like, I can't hold it anymore. Like physically your body will not allow you to hold it anymore.

It only happens to me when I hold my breath. Okay. If I hold my breath or I'm out of breath, I'll piss myself. Like if I'm on the treadmill and I run, and like say I run it like an 11 for one minute, I start pissing myself immediately. Yeah, and sometimes I'll like hop off and it'll just start coming out and I'll just pull my pants aside

and I'd rather piss on the floor than my pants. There's a video, there's actually a video of me, I don't know where it is, there's a video of me when we did that first hot summer night store. And I did a run, we were doing a scene who could race, we had to place all nights, we were just doing fucking sprints to see who could, was the fastest. And I sprinted as hard as I could, no joke.

My cousin Andrew couldn't test. As I got done, I pulled my pants this side and just started pissing like a race for. Like just started coming out. It's so, I've only been in one situation where I was like on a bus or something. It's actually gets physically painful. I was a while. You're talking about when you got a piece.

Yeah, like a, but I thought I was an epist myself and I made it in time. Yeah. But I pissed like I never pissed at my life, but if you hold it back so much, you can only hold it back so much. And then when it's full, it's going to come out no matter what. And I was like holding it so much that it was shooting pains inside of me. But I had to piss myself on the show for real. We did this bit on the show.

I got punished and they put me in an escape room with five other people. And we locked it. We're in there for an hour and in the first like minute, I had to piss myself. And then we were locked in the escape room. And I had to like just look for clues and help to escape when my pants were completely pissed. Are you pissed yourself in the escape room? Yeah, I had to on purpose. So like beforehand they would just give me beers and waters and ice tea and stuff.

And then they put you in the escape room. And then I go into the escape room, no joke. I was wearing like linen pants and they had to make sure I had to pee. Like I did it with one group and I couldn't pee. I couldn't because your body doesn't want you to pee either Yeah, there's a real weird psychological thing when you're trying like my pants are on like I can't do it Yeah So they got rid of that group and I went and I kept drinking drinking drinking and then I felt it and I got in there

And they locked the thing and they're like welcome to do it like it's a real scaper room These people are real people and then I just had to like talk to them for five minutes I was part of the group and then just stand there and go, Oh, no. And then I fully pissed my pants and dude, I pissed so much because once you got to it, once you start, I drank so much. I pissed so much. I was standing in a puddle of my own. Oh my God. Oh my God. And it smelled like piss. And my pants were, it was tan linen pants. They were stuck to my leg on both legs all the way down. Are you serious?

Yes. And then the people like, like they were, they almost were like, all right, don't worry about it. Like, you know, they were like, and they didn't, and they, no, no, so they like didn't want to like,

because it's really, I guess they was mortifying and they didn't want to like, like one lady was like, oh, no, no, but then they were like, all right, just don't worry about it. Well, and we, for one hour, for one hour, I stayed in the escape room with pissed pants helping them solve the clues to get out.

Oh my God. Yeah, and it was so funny. Like I had to purpose like walk out to people and be like, I'm talking about like, I think I think you turn this to the right and my pants are soaked in piss. It stinks like piss in there. And I had to really piss.

Yeah. Oh my God, it was terrible. It was terrible. Oh, it's so disgusting. Then it gets all cold after the one. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you smell like that kid in like preschool. It smelled like piss. God damn it. It's it was really actually embarrassing. Like even though you know you're doing for comedy, you feel really mortified. Really? Is it something in the inert and at least shameful about it? About pissing yourself? Yeah, in front of people like that and just like you know how people are even like have a hard time

Got the urinal ping if other people are there you ever hear that? Oh, I have that yeah, oh right, so yeah, so imagine like Just pissing yourself in front of like five people. You don't know I'm looking at you. It's like it felt like a very very weird thing Yeah, I Think this is a perfect way to end you, bear. Pissing shit. I think our fans are going to love this. Yes. Hey, thank you for doing this, man. I really appreciate it. I loved it, man. I love doing it. And thank you for doing fully loaded. Oh, for all right. Can't wait to. It's going to be a blast. It's going to be a blast. I promise. Yeah, absolutely. So this will be out by before then or I don't know when this is going to be

out. But what do you have coming up? Everything's on sale right now. There's like 20 30 cities right now. So I will count on comedy that come. Dude, uh, I'm glad I know you. Ah, you're sweet. Thank you. Same babe. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Let's get talking to you. I love you. I'm Bert. I'm I'm

Bert. One goes top to swap the other. Where's the shirt? Tom tells stories and birds the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep them clean. Here's what we call to bears one cave. No scripts to bet a booze amateur, for topology. Dirty jokes, ronti humor, no apologies. Here's what we call to bears 1K.