2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 147 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Whitney Cummings & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: August 22, 2022

It's another episode of 2 Bears 1 Cave! This episode we are joined by comedian, actor, producer, and fellow podcaster, Whitney Cummings! Bert and Whitney start off the show discussing stories about fellow comedian Demetri Martin, then tragically interrupt themselves into discussing palindromes, ambigrams, onomatopoeias, and luxury watches...? These bears are all over the place! Whitney talks about breaking into her neighbor's house, Bert talks about stealing lawn jockeys as a kid. They wrap by talking about life as a celebrity, and where they might want to buy another home. https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://www.bertbertbert.com/bertyboytourhttps://store.ymhstudios.com/

Everyone left last night was just me and Leanne and Leanne just loves the idea that this is our life now This is our life just dying. Let's burn dig in our holes Dyson I did the house Dead sonus fucking Jesus You look amazing. Oh, that's so thank you so much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I'm down 248 is my weight right now.

Whoa. Yeah, and I've lost an inch and a half of my waist. Nice. Three inches on my belly. I've gained size around my chest and my next down an inch. My arms up an inch. Are you having someone measure or are you just going on a scale? No, here's the deal.

What point in your life did you decide to get proactive about anti-aging? I don't know. Two or three. Two or three. Have you seen my baby pictures? I look like the cat lady that got her face changed into a cat.

Can I tell you a joke that I want to tell? I'll save it. I'll save it because I want to tell it to my special, but it's so good, it's so good. You're doing it in Omaha? Yeah, I'm shooting in Omaha. I just now started getting back in my, here's a deal. I have a problem, I got my testosterone tested.

How'd it go? Extremely low. Like alarmingly low. But I think it's because alcohol. Does alcohol drive your testosterone, though? They say that a lack of alcohol, so I kind of quit drinking a little bit because I want to get my testosterone up.

I've always made a deal. I can drink as long as it does not genuinely affect my health. But if it's going to affect my, yeah. Might be working out and stuff, then it's going to bother me. Yeah, yes, yes. Well, it's also, just testosterone get pushed up or down based on the things that you do

that aren't necessarily quantifiable, like drinking or smoking, like doing stand-up. Doesn't that raise your testosterone to be in front of 30,000 people being of the man? I don't know, if so, Tom's testosterone to do the root. Did you see his Denver show? No. Oh my gosh. It's an animal. It's amazing people, that many people are interested

in a guy that is so difficult to talk to. Okay. I, I, I, it is a pleasure to be doing my final appearance. You are the easiest person. Here's the deal. final appearance. You are the easiest person. Here's the deal. No joke. You are the easiest person to talk to. I could do a podcast once a week.

You're the easiest person to get to do a podcast. No. Hey, write this down so I don't forget it. I want to find out who New York podcast is going to go. No, but for real, me and you, I think, are the two of the easiest people in the world to do a podcast with. I could talk to you. I could talk to anyone about anything.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Truly anytime. Yeah. I will change to a different person if I need to develop an accent. I will.

I'll play into being older or younger based on who I'm talking to. I'll be like, oh, these kids these days and the little big guy, these boomers. Like, I will, I become a different human being to shapeshift in order to cater to your conversation limitations. So why, I will, I've become a different human being to shapeshift in order to cater to your conversation limitations. So what, I do the same thing.

I'm so agreeable that like I've nodded to like, to like I've been in the car with the Uber driver who was like, here's the problem with Armenians. I was like, I know, like in the back just nodding. Uh huh. But I also prefer bad boring small talk to silence. Silence is unbearable. But I also prefer bad boring small talk to silence. Silence is unbearable. So reason both of us aren't with Barry Katz,

because Barry Katz made a business out of silence. He would go, he would call you and go, hey, Papa, by the way, I know Barry's watching this, hey, Papa, I'm certain I'm gonna get a text. How was your weekend? And I got to a point where I thought, I thought he actually put the phone down and would walk away,

because he wouldn't reply, and by the, but I hate sound that so much that I would just divulge everything. I'd be like, it was good. It was all right. I mean, it was I bombed. I could do better. I need to work on my writing.

I think I have a problem. I need therapy. And by the end, he's like, aw, huh. It's just letting you spiral, basically. Yeah. It's people who like silence. I don't understand that. Who hold a new umbrella and says something wants, I don't know.

I think he did this as a joke once, but because I was like, truly, I was like, I don't think I can handle silence. Like, I will talk until someone just interrupts me. Like, it'll just keep, I got on Pro's Act because some of it is like an OCD thing. Some of it is not being heard as a child either where you have to say everything million different ways? Well having a parent that yeah, okay keep going

I'm not gonna say that out loud. I was a parent who's not who's an e-breated who's distracted Who's sober and you're like having to say things 50 times or you're the youngest you had to ask 50 times You go to the bathroom or pull over you know, whatever it was What was I saying? I don't know about silence. Neil Brennan once said you know, Bren it was, what was I saying? I don't know about a silence. Neil Brennan once said. Neil Brennan said he's like, I'm so afraid of silence, he's saying this, that I will tell someone else's secrets

just to keep a conversation from ending. So it'll be like anyway, so. Do you hear the markup Botox? What? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. It's not the nose, it's a fucked up thing. Ha ha ha ha. I like Neil Brennan. I'm shocked I don't spend more time with him. Um, yeah. I mean, you're a busy guy. It's like, you know, you're very busy. I think we have a

similar thing where it doesn't occur to people that ask us to hang out. Yeah. I've never once had anyone, I've never once had one comic ever say, hey, would you like to go get some lunch today? And I know that people do that. That makes me think someone needs a place to, is in trouble. Really? If someone asked me to have lunch, I know you're in trouble.

Like how much do you need? I think I also had a big shift. I also had a big shift from being unsuccessful to being successful. So there was no middle ground where I could, and I didn't start had a big shift. I also had a big shift from being unsuccessful to being successful. So there was no middle ground where I could, and I didn't start with a group. Like I didn't start, I was, I've always been by myself, but it just turned up.

Like when I started, it was me and Demetri Martin started the same day, and then he just kind of skyrocketed, and I worked the door. So like I just, you know, it's like, big J was younger than me, Kevin Hart's younger than me. Like Bobby Kelly's older than me. I never had my group. How did you know that you and Dimitri Martin

started coming to the same day? We were in the same room. Whoa. When you guys both met and were like, we're both doing comedy. It was like, hey man, I'm Burton. He was like, I'm Dimitri, you're funny. I was like, by the way,

Dimitri Martin was funny out of the gate. When I'm. And he's still, and by the way, he's still funny and I will watch him on TikTok and cry cry laughing and don't get it twisted. He when he is live for tons of people and because we did oddball together. Yeah. And it would be killers that did something different Jim Jeffries, Hannibal Burrass, whatever. Then he go out with his guitar, speaking of silence and he would go in with like really quick crowd work in between if he had to. He's extremely.

Because a lot of times you go like, okay, let's see if this is precious. Let's see if this holds up when you're following Joey Diaz. And like he's a fucking monster. When I moved to LA, he was Elvis. He had gotten a deal. At NBC for a ton of my, I remember this, I remember this.

I wanna say this was like on the same day. And so, and he had sold NBC T shirts for their Christmas gifts. So he got like a $250,000 deal, sorry, to me, tree. Like a quarter of a million dollar deal. And then on top of that, had a business where it was shirts where you could write what you wanted with, he gave you letters and they had Velcro on them. So you could write the thing and NBC bought like,

you know, 10,000 of them to give to all their employees for Christmas. It's also so fascinating because during that time that I think I was sort of, I was too young. I looked up to him, I wrote him an email saying like, hey, I'm an aspiring comedian, can you give me some advice? And to his fucking credit, he emailed me back. I was just, nobody, nothing.

I didn't attach picture by Tick. Was it, was it, was it a strict stick it a strict stick drawing of, of one stick getting head from the other stick? Sorry. I'm the, Demetri's not that guy. He does a joke. That was a joke. He's the, but he does pull up Demetri Martin's art. Allston. It's not child porn. It's child drawn. Yeah. It's drawn by drawn by children. He is, you and him would get along like, or have the same brain because he is someone He gets up every like when I'm when I met him he would get up every morning you'd write 10 new jokes

10 new drawings and 10 new Anagrams or whatever they're called algorithms Penta whatever is the thing what's it when it reads the same way wow We're not on a monopoeia. Oh a thing that like race cars the same way wow? Oh, wait, not on a monopia. Oh, a thing that like race cars the same Ford is it as backwards? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Race cars, the same. Uh, a paladron. Race cars the same Ford is it.

The word race car is spelled forward and backwards the same way. You know, I'm going to bring that up on a plain next to someone. Did you just learn this? Race car. Look at the word race car written out. Oh, hi, oh, hi, it's not one. I was definitely not one. Look at the word raise car written out. It's Ohio. No, Ohio is not one. I was definitely not one.

Race cars one. You're writing the Amba, the Amba Graham. An Amba Graham is different. I think that's a palindrome. An Amba Graham reflection. Amba Graham is a design that can be read when reflecting in mirror vertically horizontally. I think this is an Amba Graham.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's an Amba Graham? Hold on. I love to learn something I've never heard of an amagram in my fucking life. In my fucking life. I've heard of anagram. This to me is what I think when I think of that.

I've heard of a mammogram. Mm-hmm. Remember this? Nothing. Yeah, what's that? Oh, that's the movie from the thing. It's like, it's something we all just drew on our notebooks in high school. I don't know what it's called.

It's like a, it's a thing that looks like a little mini rope that you drew. I think that's an anagram. Palin Drom is race car Ford and race car backwards. Amogram is where it, it Ohio, oh, H, and then it looks like an H-O, oh, hi-o. Oh, if you, oh, you reflect it in the mirror, it looks the same. And then, and then if you, it's, it's still it says, oh, H. But if you look at it this way and then you look at it this way. Got it. Why is this important?

Body and yoga, huh? Anyway, back to the Dmitri's. And on a monopia is when you, the sound, like, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, sh, sh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, back to it to me, trees. And Annamanapia is when the sound, like, shhh, shhh, crack, yeah, spout. No. Isn't that Annamanapia if it's spelled like Google Annamanapia. Annamanapia.

Shut you just fucking me up, because I speak in Annamanapias. Are you actually do? I speak in Annamanapias. You're doing on what is it ASMR at all times? Well, I stop, and that goes back to these baby strokes. I think I must have had. At some point in my life.

I just think about jerking off a baby. I don't know why. Like, can we say like premature, no, preemistro. I hate you. So you don't make that sound. The sound is definitely the way it might. So wait, the formation of a word

from a sound associated with what it's named. Sizzle. Yeah. Kaku, it's like a sound spelled out. Gargle, clap, zap. The pitter powder of feet. Yeah. You know, he...

Where are you in books? You've written books, right? You haven't won a book. I've written a book, yeah. I thought you were gonna you've written books right you have it one of the book Yeah, I thought you were talking about reading them. That's zero I'm not a big reader like I never I wanted to bring a book we're going to leave him for Italy tomorrow I wanted to bring a book to take with me, but I want to book I want an Italian book. I want a book about Italy I might I bet that one about the mafia about that guy that infiltrated the mafia in Italy Yes, so remember cuz I did that Silvio-Birlisconi podcast for Wundery

that was about like Italian, like the Prime Minister? No, what is it called? You would love Silvio-Birlisconi. He's like the Trump of Italy. And can you just look up the name of, it's a guy that infiltrated the mafia and it's about what it's like to be in the Italian mafia and he's been exiled from the country.

I think he's hiding in Canada, maybe? It's supposed to be great. But like a great way to, like the Sicilian mafia is not a joke. No, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like about the way it operated in like the 90s. I was actually having a trepidation with whether or not I should be posting on Instagram

while I'm there because I have, because I was like, I was like, but then TI posted when he was there. So no one's gonna rob him, right? Like there's rich people in Italy that are probably on Instagram, right? Is this the dumbest thing I've ever said? This is one of the top five I'm guessing.

Do you think you're the only person in Italy? Do you think Italy's a go third world country? No, but fucking Leanne's got me like we're taking we're not taking our watches Like Leanne's got me like in my head. I'm like there's people with more money than us in Italy, right? She was I was like there's got like what the fuck No, here's the thing no it is it you yes to be safe But are you guys gonna be going to like, no, flea mark or like, no, we're with fucking concierge.

Like, where are you staying in a hostel? No, we're staying in like really nice hotels. Five-star hotels, like where it's a really expensive, fucking trip. I don't think you really have to worry about it, because honestly, I feel like at this point, you losing a $50,000 watch is worth more. Don't have that, I don't have,

no. In the store, $10,000. $10,000, that worth more. Don't have that. I don't have that in the store. $10,000. $10,000. That's the most expensive watch you have. No, but that's the, I mean, that's when I wear it where every single day. Okay. I wear this watch every single day.

Would you watch you wear it? You don't wear a watch. I really want to. Really? Yeah, you know Kevin Christie. Yeah. He knows a lot about watches. He knows a ton about watches.

We almost started to watch a watch circle of people who could text about watches. A neighborhood watch. um god dammit hilarious comic out of a film Dean don't write nope. Yeah, well if he's Phil manly Phil Hanley out of New York Google please make I got a fucking say his name right Phil Hanley? Am I saying it right wrong? I don't know we were gonna start a I think it's Hanley that what is it?

It's a little handling. Yeah, I was right. Sorry. I was he knows a lot about watches There's something in any two someone. Hey, that's Alan Havie. Alan Havie. I'm havin. I'm havin went to Florida state I know when I'm in over my head. Alan Haby. There's two dudes that were older than us that were comics. One was a con and one wasn't. It was Alan Haby and Rick Okerson. Rick Overton.

Rick Overton and Alan Haby. You guys, I actually, this is not a baby stroke. This is a large stroke. This is a large stroke. This is a large, I feel like, now I feel like I'm the only person that, do you remember those guys? Like if you're having your actual stroke, I'm the only one that can do something about that.

Here's the thing about baby strokes. They say that you can, they, they, No, you have said comedians names wrong that are your friends. Mine, friends. Did I just say both those names wrong? Alan Haven and Rick over to. Okay.

But did you see this, but did you see the loop that he went on? Do I, did both those names wrong? Alan Havien Rick over to. Okay. But did you see this? But did you see the loop that he went on? Did anyone else see that? I'm not even aware of it. He said Rick over to his name wrong and then corrected it without like even blinking. For real? Yeah.

Rick over to him. He's an Emmy award. I remember I had to memorize what to say to bring him on stage. He's an Emmy award-winning writer who was written for the likes. He wrote, his writing included Dennis Miller live. I was the thought I was going to say, impolitely correct. He is an Emmy award-winning writer who wrote for Dennis Miller live and was in Groundhog's Day or something like, maybe he was in Groundhog's Day or something else. He was, I know offense is Day or something like maybe he was in Groundhog's Day or something else.

He was a no offense to Rick Orghten. He was very aggressive to me when I was here. You know what? I was listening to Ron White on this show with Tom. And they were talking about it. That's a great podcast. It was, it's incredible. He is a fascinating fucking dude.

But you know what else? I learned something because I did textbook yesterday because I listened to your last episode, trying to get caught up. And you said, you were talking to Ron, it went well, that's so weird, because you're so hard to talk to. Yeah.

And he kind of missed it, and kept going, and I was like, finally someone said it. And it's more you and I are just on a different frequency. We're like spazzy. Yeah, we cut ourselves off. Ron White's a difficult guy to talk to in all honesty as well. But well matched because they both are kind of like, are okay with silence and it felt, it just did. I did. You feel like you're moving through molasses in a good way. It's like when two fat people

fuck. They're like, we're not going to expect much out of this. Let's lower the lights and let's just see what happens. And then if I look good at a point, great. And then if you look good at a point. Ron White, like I met Ron White, I met Ron White at where I'm on it a couple of times. Now I know him. Now I legit know him.

But the first time I met him, we did a podcast. And you could tell, I actually thought to myself, I don't think he knows what this is. I only know this is a podcast. And I know he had done Joe's, but the fact that we did it at his house, he was like, what is, like, is this like a sound bite thing?

Yeah. Because it was a really, it was a good conversation, but like, there were some people where you have to really go and then, and Tom's that way. Like he did, are you garbage, not to like out, no, it wasn't are you garbage, it was another podcast. Are we gonna be drunk? And they were like, I was like, how's the podcast from Tom and they're like,

slow at point. But, but you're, but it's so funny because you're like, yeah, that's what like, but he, here's the thing. But also he's earned, you know if he's not being funny, that's a choice. You know what I'm saying? So I'm like, okay, like I always see it as an opportunity for me to calm the fuck down because I'm such a high-strung spaz. I wish I actually took a Xanax on accident one time and did radio.

And it was the best radio I've ever done because I listened. And I was like, I should take Xanax every time I do radio. Because if I'm not, I will, especially if I do radio that sucks, I'll just talk over them and go, just give me the 15 minutes.

I got this guy. That's the most annoying. It's Kiki and the Hyena. Yeah, I like so, I literally had so much fun. Yeah, I would do to win the worm here, Bert and Studio, and you're gonna eat bugs. Like what? I said, I had someone say to me on radio the other day.

So tell me man, what got you in the comedy? And I went, oh, I was like, and then at that point I said I will start speaking for this whole interview And I'm not gonna let him start and I said in 1997 when I was written up in Rolling Stone magazine It's a number one party animal. I'm starting from and I started from the beginning I said you brought this on yourself here a second brought this on yourself It's like I move to New York to start stand up six months into doing stand up. We'll Smith discovered me I moved to LA. I got a TV show with Will Smith. I started doing my own show on the FX show,

which turned into a hurt. He still talked to Will Smith? No, you know what, I actually wanted to. I think he would do your podcast. Can I tell you? It would be a really smart move. I actually, did you watch his apology the other day? I did.

Thoughts? I mean, the guy is, you know, I, what are yours? Mine are very intimate. Okay. So like, you talk to Georgia the other day. And Georgia and I have gone through many iterations of hiccups, mostly caused by me. And I don't think I realize that entirely until recent.

But like, okay, like this is a perfect one. George May is making fucking salmon. Joseph Pistone. Uh-huh. Is that who? Me? Oh, what's the name of the book? No, that's Donnie Brasco. No, it's basically a book that is about a guy that infiltrated the Mafia and then wrote a book about it. This is not him. It was like recent in the last 20 years. So, sorry. So, I can do a glib.

So, Georgia is making salmon the other day. The salmon that we had in the fridge from when we did something's burning. She's making salmon. And I said to her, is that salmon still good? And she goes, yeah. And I went, no, that sounds like a person that didn't read the date on it.

And I said, do you look at the date? And she goes, yeah. And in my head, I thought, it's funny. I didn't read the date on it. And I said, do you look at the date? And she goes, yeah, and in my head I thought, it's funny, I don't remember the date being on it when I saw it, but whatever, she read it, she can be lying. And so I said, cool, so I grabbed the other part of the salmon and I started cooking it. And then I started eating it and I was like, this is odd. And I was like, well, she read the date. And then I finished it and I was like, this did not taste right. And I leaned over and I feel like I'm going to throw up and I'm like, well, that's quick.

And I go, George, I did you look at the date on that? She went, I think so. And I went, and so then I start getting angry. This is made me puke, just leave it. Yeah. Well, the salmon was fine, okay, the salmon was fine. You puke? No, but I definitely caused drama where there didn't

need to be drama and I set it up. And then all then all the sudden you can see her shut down a little bit And so I think that's happened a lot. This is my defensive will Smith by the way I Know that he's gone through a few iterations like his son was dating Tyler the creator his son was anorexic Jada has has been somewhat publicly unfaithful to him Jada has has been somewhat publicly unfaithful to him His like his families his family is not His family is not in a situation. I would say that his

His grandmother who used to play the lottery every day and she would oh, I think she lived I don't I think she lived in Philly, but she would go get her lottery tickets every day very simple very like family woman It's very far from where it is today. And I think a lot of people don't validate how different the world is for him today than it was. And how many of those changes he probably wanted to fight against instinctually, but had to overcome and how that fucked your brain up at a certain point. Well, there's a couple of things,

and you'll just tell me if this sounds right at all. He was, I mean, the most famous person in the world, you know, I think without a doubt, probably the only person, Tom Cruise, I mean, before Top Gun, who knows now, but he was the only, him and Sandra Bullock were the only people that you could really just go, like, he's starring in this movie, give us $50 million.

Yeah. Like only one. And you know, I think, remember when he'd like a hard push on social media, I don't know where we're like, why is Will Smith like in the jungle making videos for face like a travel show on Facebook? Like it was, it was, it was an odd look because I thought it was beneath him, but it seemed like, I seem like he was... It's trying to reach out to young people, getting a new audience.

By the way, if he said, you know, what I was doing there was I was trying to get in front of where all my colleagues weren't. And reach an audience, because the rock was doing videos with Logan Paul. And then Will Smith, I thought, I bet he thought, I could just be bigger than Logan Paul. Own the internet.

And then when I have a movie drop, I got all these people to touch out to. But what he had no experience with was feedback. And all of a sudden, this guy who was only told, you're the biggest, invest in the world, invest in the world, no one, no one was like, hey, collateral sucked. You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What was the one where it was the poster where it was like, just maybe it was called fragments. I was like, something that I don't remember. I don't remember. But it was one of those. And then he had a name of the movie. What was the one where it was the poster where it was like just, maybe it was called fragments. It was something that I don't remember. Kick cushion. But it was one of those. And then he had a bunch of bombs.

And then I was studying some social media. And I don't think this is a guy who had ever heard anything negative about himself and all of a sudden people like you suck, you're wife's cheating on me. And everything's been almost like fabricated to protect him. Meaning like the one pushback he got was when the guy tried to kiss him and he slapped him in the face. That's right, perfect.

And then, and by the way, that comes out as Will Smith's homophobic, cut to a couple months later, a son's dating Tyler the creator. Right. And so like, so like there's an energy that I believe that he's had to try to overcome, which I think has been probably

while he landed in Scientology. Well, because by the way, look, we're both, it's funny when people that are sort of publicly unhinged start going like, but this person didn't handle themselves properly. We're both people to take our shirts off on stage and do shots. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So the fact that we're able to be serious about this, I feel like tells you everything you need to know in terms of this guy's a performer, he's a professional actor, one of the best we had. Like if this guy, if everything was operating reasonably in his mind or balanced in any way, he would be able to act like he had composure in that moment. He had, I mean, how long did it take

for him to get out there, 15 seconds? It was like, think about it. One, two, you, force for steps in your you should be able to go any well just a person will go like okay let me you know what I want to hit him but I'm gonna turn into a nook you know I'm gonna turn into a fake pun I'm gonna give my hug maybe maybe he did that by slapping him maybe he was gonna knock him the fuck out oh and then that was the de-escalation yeah no I'm certain it was like I'm going to fucking kill this man. And then he was like god damn it

Maybe I can turn into a slap and then maybe I don't know He was about to win an Oscar when this happened and I know this is late for us to be talking about No, well because he just apologized, but it's crazy because he was 15 minutes away from accepting an Oscar That's what what Denzel said. When you're your highest point, that's when the devil comes for you. But imagine like how lost he must have been internally. What would you have done?

Everyone asked me that. I always say, if I had been Chris Rock, if hopefully this would have come to my brain. That's so funny. You see yourself as Chris Rock right there. I see myself as one being made fun of. Jada? No, no, like I see myself as Will, like someone going, Burst Wives here,

and or Burst's daughter's here. Right. And then making a joke. Yeah. And then how would I react to it? But you're not just a regular Joe Blow reacting to a joke. You're a performer that's been to this ceremony 40 times. You know what the deal is.

This isn't someone randomly disrespecting your wife for the bar. This isn't a stranger just saying your wife's ball. This is one of the best comedians that ever lived. But they have all this history, and I think that like, what does scare me? What's the history? Well, Chris had made jokes about Jada in the past. Which is his job as an entrepreneur. What's scare me? What was the history? Well, Chris had made jokes about Jada in the past,

which is his job as an entrepreneur. Well, it's his job, but then you wonder, you wonder, is there like a... Something, there's something. You can tell on a podcast. If you podcast listeners know, the things we bring up a lot are our things. The thing we bring up the most is our thing.

Say it again a different way. If you hear a comic talk about canceled culture too much, there's something they're worried about. Got it, yup. If you hear a comic, come on and go, here's the thing I don't like about. I don't read comments. They probably read comments.

So what's all the, what does it mean when a comedian talks about trans people a lot? So what is it, what's all the, what is it mean when a comedian talks about trans people a lot? No, I can't say, you know what joke I can't say. What? You guys don't have to worry about trans people having sex with your kids like they don't need You know help getting laid. They have any Murphy I can't say the other ones I want to say that was like out. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was like in the news. I, I, I, but like so I don't know where we were going with this.

The Will Smith thing, but here's the thing. I, if he had like disrespect to me like that, I feel like I hopefully wouldn't have been able to say like, Will Smith, I did not think that this was how you were going to come out of the closet, but because first of all, the slap was so Broadway. It was so, it was so like, it was like, it was so ridiculous. And then also it's like, you know,

any excuse to touch a man, huh, well. Okay. Like, it's such a, it was, it was. So here's my question. What does J to have on him? Photos, videos, what? Why when she looked at her, saw her reaction,

and it was more worth it to him to do the most shocking woman in history that will ruin his life forever, destroy his legacy, then go home with that. I mean. It's gotta be photos, videos, that's how Scientology controls people. The problem is is that this whole incident has turned

Jada into what everyone has greenlit as a monster human being. Like a really horrific. Did you see the video of her where she's filming him and he's like, stop filming? I did see that. That is hard to get past once you see that. What did you see that?

The guy looks road hard and put away away. This is what I, and this is my point of this, is that I am here for Will Smith's redemption 100% because he is the reason I got into this business. He gave me a deal when I was six months in and took me to Hollywood, taught me how to pitch a TV show, and by the way, has always been cool as fuck to me.

Was he with Jada at the time? Yeah, and by the way, talked glowing about her. Yeah, no, that was obviously good. But what was like a regular husband? Like a regular, like the way I talk about Leigh Ann, but I'll still say like, God damn it, she's beautiful. He was a regular husband.

Yeah. And was not fucked up. Genuinely wasn't fucked up. Was a person who listened and would talk. Yeah. And that's why I like, I mean, I definitely don't think, I reached out to Judy and was like, hey, someone reached out to Will Smith and let him know,

I will do a podcast with him. He can have final edit on it. I will definitely talk through all of it. And I'm not as big as Chris Rock, but Rock, but I'm definitely a big comic. Rocks, I doubt Rock will ever talk to him. No, Rock, Chris Rock's never. But Chris Rock has nothing to benefit to ever forgive him.

But let me ask you a question. Do you think, because sometimes we're so like Hollywood, and my brain is like, oh, well, this is someone that's been infantilized for so long and hasn't had to do the consequences and whatever, the narcissism, like, does this just happen? You know, like, if two people have been together for 20 years, you're in a small town, 50 people, whatever. The local bar, you hear a rumor, that the girl has been with someone else the wife dead and then some guy goes on stage who's the local piano player and makes a joke what if someone

that works in insurance sales goes up and hits that guy are we having the same like what is that yeah like does it have to be also because of Hollywood these people are acting crazy I think stuff like this happens in the real world too, just it looks different. It looks different and you don't lose your job. You don't lose your career over it. Yeah, yeah. Well, it's tricky because when growing up where I'm from, if you hear someone's dad hit someone, it's handled.

It's the best rumor that can be going around about you. Is it your dad just like, lost his mind once and hit my prom date? Like, that's the best protection against everything. But here, it's the worst, Adley. Is it your dad just like lost his mind once and hit my prom date? Yeah. That's the best protection against everything. But here, it's the worst, oddly, because I guess we respect him so much. And it's just, here's, okay, so I'm going to John Chris. I'm going to talk about this up now twice.

And he was talking about cancel culture. He got canceled for rollerblading with a bottle of water bottle full of vodka with a fan of his and trying to kiss her. He got what got his cancellation. I'm paraphrasing. I'm sure there is more nuance than any like any of the cancel people that hate. How can nuance get more detailed than rollerblading? It was, that was, I mean, that was the specific.

That was the, that was the, that was the, well, that's, that, that makes me think she was very young. No, no, no, she was, the rollerblades is like, she me think she was very young. No, no, no She was she was she was I know I mean I'm being dead serious. She was just a fan. She's Christian Yeah, so she thought he wants to go rollerblading, you know like if she's Christian She was like this must be just raw. I can't believe my favorite comedian wants to actually go My brain is like Cleveland steamer Reverse got what's rollerblading like what's that gross sex act is that? I can't believe my favorite comedian wants to actually go over. See my brain is like Cleveland steamer. Yeah.

Yeah. What's rollerblading? Like what's Crossex act is that? Yeah. You know, it's when I moved to New York anytime any celebrity wanted to hang out with me. I was like, they want to fuck me. I thought about what Smith.

I know a lot of people that do. Yeah. I mean, I thought why would he want to hang out with me? He wants to fuck me. And there are Christians out there that are like, no, he wants to see how good I rollerbladed. And so. So obviously I'm a writer, diver, you want to see how good I rolled her blade. And so, so, so, obviously I'm a writer,

diver, John Chris, I love the guy. Yeah, no, he's hilarious, I love him. He's fucking hilarious. And so, and I understand he's, It seemed like that was a ticking time, but I mean, when you're, I feel like we're seeing a lot of guys learn things that they should have been able to learn in private in public with getting really famous, really fast.

And like you have to play defense. You can't be friends with your fans. You're not trying to, you're definitely not supposed to fuck your fans. That's like rule number one. And so, but what he said was, I got canceled because I was, But that's also kind of dark too.

What kind of person fucks people that think they're actively not funny? Like you have to find people that like, I hate your last best show. I'll tell you what kind of person I am. Leand doesn't find me funny at all. She definitely has notes. I told her a joke today and she was like,

let's not put that in your act. And it's the joke that I go, it's going in my act. It's going in my act. And then I had to rework it. I'll tell it to you after the thing. But, cause I don't want to burn it on here. So, but I think what I'm gonna, we'll smith this, everyone saw him as family friendly,

our hero saves the world. And when you see him go off brand from what we signed up for, that's when you go like. I think that was part of the disease thing too. His book was like, I'm a dork and I don't get laid. You know, it's like, if your thing is on the scumbag, I'm a scumbag and then your scumbag, everyone's like, how well?

Not totally. But if you're holding it, I'm this dork that doesn't get laid and then your scumbag, everyone's like, wait a second, you lie to us. holding a stick on this door that doesn't get laid and then your scab everyone's like, wait a second, you lie to us. I don't even care what you did, but you betrayed us. Is that something, never mind. Anyway, nothing, nothing. I have a list of things I wanna talk to you about you about.

Okay. So we should probably, but I've already been on your podcast recently. I know, but, but. This is Y'all's fans. I feel like I'd rather talk about your stuff because they're here to, they are. I'm so sick of myself.

I just did, thank you. You just did a fucking. I just did Legion of Skang Slive. Yeah, which was so fun by far my favorite Legion's this it was so fun. You have Gamora types up, Austin Oh, that might be what it's called. I'm gonna look it up. I will find it and hopefully you can Is there a Barnes and Noble still? Can you like go to Barnes and Noble? Yeah, there is, I went in and broke in and signed all Tom's books. Did you really? Did you see that?

No. Oh yeah, I went in, I was like, they don't know who the fuck Tom's girl is. That's really nice. And I just walked in here, pulled the video up. That's really nice. Where is it up? Do you know where it is, Halston? It's on my YouTube.

I did, while you're pulling this up, I did, are you garbage, which was so fun. How great are those? They're the best. It is so wholesome, they basically just go down, like ask you questions about your childhood. It's interesting, I think they were here and I was like, I was like, oh, here, here, here, throw your heads up.

Oh my God. This is for everyone who doesn't know. My buddy, Tom Siger, has a book called, I don't read read but I write. Congratulations, we have Mr. Tom Segura, he's in the Barnes & Noble Studio city located at 12136, Venture Boulevard. I'm shaking. I'm outside of the street, it looks like a movie theater. Congratulations, sir.

Thank you. I am Simon E.C. I'm putting this in the machineine. I'm looking at him and I'm just thinking there. I'm super confident here. I'll be up front, come grab your coffee. I'd like to play alone, please. Thank you very, very much. I'm afraid to go back into that bookstore. I'm afraid she's gonna go, you're an asshole.

But you're also not acting like Bert. I'd be like this asshole who just came out. It was being like fake humble. It was the funnest I've ever had to be. I was being, I had my shaking and I was like this is, this is what life is supposed to feel like. That energy was so much fucking fun. When you're like nervous, you mean? Nervously shit. So did you do, okay, did you shoplift as a kid and or do like prank calls? Like, can I tell you?

And I've said this and I know that I'm gonna come out as a hypocrite because this isn't accurate. I never did prank calls because they made me uncomfortable and I never shoplift because it made, I didn't wanna get caught. You felt guilty or you were too scared of being embarrassed. Some people get off on Choplifting. Mark Norman.

Oh really? Mark Norman is Choplif's all the time. Still. Makes him feel alive. I've heard that. Yeah. The rush is supposed to be amazing. Does he keep it?

Yeah, he keeps it. He'll just walk through, grab an apple, eat it. Can I tell you though, when you go through with something accidentally and that alarm goes off, I don't feel like I could be like, what? Like it jarrs you. It hits you when you're bones, that sounds. Yeah. When the alarm goes off, I'm waiting to get tackled as I keep walking.

But if you can get through that without looking guilty, you might be a sociopath. He must steal stuff without those things on him that explode, the ink markers. Well, he's still small stuff. Like when we were in Europe, he just walked by any place in the airport and just grabbed a pack of gum and just walk out with it. And I'd be like, what are you doing? And he was like, hey, shoplifting, keeps me alive.

He loves it. He shoplifts all the time. I hope I'm not speaking out of school mark, but. No, it's honestly, there's definitely been times where I've like grabbed an apple or something and I'm like waiting in line, I'm eating it. And I'd be like, and I've definitely like, I definitely feel like I've done that,

but I have to be the person that goes back and I'll like paste for later. I'm calling Mark Norman right now to make sure we keep this in the market. It's so funny. Because he loves it. But it's, yeah, there's some people that will go in to like Neiman Marcus, they'll put a $3,000 jacket,

they'll dress for shoplifting. Oh, I have friends that stole, like legit stole in college that they would go in and then they would put on clothes and then take them home. God damn it. Joe's podcast is fucking fascinating. While.

Because you get into it and you're like, I'm like, it'll give you panic attacks at the time. The other day, Huberman's lab was on, and he was like, he was like, there's a different type of person that drinks alcohol. Sometimes, this guy's a fine euphoria in it. And I was like, Goddamnit. What is he gonna say next?

Because that's me. Okay, I follow Huberman, love Huberman Big Fan. All these science guys. Huberman is someone I end up, I end up, what's it called when you take someone's big theory and whittle it down to a nugget and go, great polar plunge. Like, what?

Like sizzle, I sizzle is, that's an animal, a piece of sizzle. I take everything Hugh Berman says and I go, cool, water, sauna, polar plunge and distill it just still it okay, I just still down human man more than anyone in the world Yeah, where I'm like I don't I can't I don't have the attention to listen to all of it I trust you. I don't need to know how it happens I don't even know why I just tell like literally tell me what to do But a lot of that though I this is a very odd take I know but all but a lot of science, like, you're like, who

was in the study? Like, I don't know. And I know was that, like, this is only true about the weirdos that sign up for studies that needed $50 cash, like real quick. Remember, do you know Yoshi? I think so. Oh, yeah. Korean comedian who was born in Japan. Japanese Korean who was born in Korea, whatever. Yoshi, I got to hope I'm getting this right. I hope this was Yoshi. I remember texting him one time, and I'm like, what are you doing?

And he's like, oh, I'm laying in bed. And I was like, oh, or so, I forget how it went. And he was like, yeah, I'm doing some trials for some medication. I can't leave bed for like two weeks. So I'm just laying in bed for two weeks, taking these medications, seeing what we'll do to my body.

And they were like, and I was like, is it a clinical trial for something he has? No, he was just letting them test medicines out on him. Oh, yeah. I used to do clinical trials and stuff when I was like, need your money, like back in the day. Like what's that?

Well, it would be like product testing and clinical trials. So they'd be like, hey, like you depressed, I'm like, yeah, sure, like, you know, I can get depressed. I can get real fast. Yeah. And then you go and yeah, you mean this shit I've been saving off?

You know, I was thinking about it for a week. So you know, yes, for me to for 50 bucks, go take a pill from someone I don't know that's not even after you've approved. If I'm not depressed now, I'm about to be. So you would take a pill for like two weeks and maybe like do you feel better?

And you'd just lie, I don't know, I didn't know how I felt back then. There was no way of telling. What's the thing you've taken that you go that fucking, like cocaine, that fucking work. I've never done cocaine. Oh. It's not weird.

And now I feel like I missed my window because of Femme. That, because, oh yeah. One time my aunt gave me someone I was like very young teenager and I like licked it and it made my tongue numb and that's all I know that was clean Yeah, so we marijuana works. You remember the first time that marijuana worked on you? It wasn't until pretty recently. I did not

Marijuana did not agree with me until a couple years ago actually over the pandemic I like took the opportunity to like learn about weed and like go like oh this doesn't work for me Edibles doesn't work for me like Sativa like like a couple Sativas, that's what works for me. And I think it was until the pandemic, where I was like, oh, this actually removes stress instead of ads like panic. Xanax works, it works. It does, Xanax is, Xanax, but many milligrams.

I take 0.25. Do you do it to sleep? No, I do it not to drink. Nice. I do it like a secret time. I took one last night because we're going through a bunch of shit in the house and like just a lot of drama. We're getting ready to leave. It's your package.

And Georgia's going to college and there's a lot of hot emotions. All Georgia's friends are leaving. She's going to be alone for a little bit. Like it's just all this stuff. then, and then everyone left last night, it was just me and Leanne and Leanne just loves the idea that this is our life now, this is our life, just dying, let's burn, dig in her holes, we're going Dyson, Dyson, you smell it, it's in the house, dead sonos, what do you want is your last meal? Fucking Jesus.

What do you mean she doesn't say that? She's fucking, she just, she says, she just think we says, this is our life now. This is what our life's going to be. Just me and you. Just me and you. Just stand there. Two old people are in the bus.

And I'm like, I'm like, I'm gonna die by it. I'm gonna fucking leave it in one place. The next two more toasts. Yeah, oh God. And so that was her last night and I was like, I was so depressed. I was like, this can't be what life is. It's just me and you.

Not. Packing for a trip to Italy. No, no, no, no, we weren't packing. We were just sitting there and she was reading a book where the crawdad sang for the third time. She's reading a book for the third time and I'm just sitting there watching the sun set going someone's living a beautiful life

It's not me. I'm just sitting here watching this woman of age reading a fucking book and she's loving it She's like look at this. Oh, it's getting cold out. Oh people think it's cold all the time Do you want to grasp a loop more water? She said, do you want some tea? And I was like, tea, fucking, Kasa Migos, pour it down my throat until I can't see you. What a fucking killer. Do you feel like Leann has turned a corner? You have no fucking idea. I think she just been so excited to be like 95.

But she just like, that's how she got through this. It's like one day I'm gonna be able to just sit on my long furniture. With I drive up, she's reading the Scarlet Letter, like an original copy. In the front, she was reading it in the front yard. You know what she said to me? Hamo, Hamo takes some time for me

and go play with the cat in the front yard, read a book. And I went, I loved her. And I was like, it was like, is someone have COVID inside? Why is she outside? It's so hot out there. And then I woke up and I'm like, oh, is this your cat? She's like, no, this is the neighbor's cat,

but it prefers living over here. So I just like, and I was like, you are. She just adopts animals and buys properties. That's all she does. Today she wanted to go look at houses because she wants to move all the podcasts and something, she wants to move everything into a new house. So she wants to buy a new house

to move all our stuff. So that would be the work house. And this would just, And it would have offices and it would be like, and so we're looking at properties. And I was just like, don't you though, as you get older, like just the simple things, you know what I mean?

We'll go, hold on, define simple things and I'll tell you what, because right now I have a list. Simple things, I have a list. Simple things are important. If simple things can't make you happy, you have worked to do it yourself. Say what you think these are. I know it might not. I love watering my lawn.

Okay. We have different simple things. But here, do you know what I realized? Because you know when you go to that point in your life where you're doing something you saw your parents do? Yeah. And you're like just doing it because you saw it. Like, did you ever have parents

that would just water the driveway? Like, my dad. Hose down the driveway. One of my dads for everything to do was to get in the pool in his underwear, tidy whiteies, and then push water onto the deck to clean the deck. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you love that. You love that.

And that is a form of OCD, I identify with. And I've done that a lot. But do you ever, as an adult, realize like, oh, I love that. That is a form of OCD, I identify with. And I've done that a lot. But do you ever as an adult realize, like, oh, I thought they were crazy, like why are you cleaning your driveway? It's outside. And then you realize, oh no, they just need time alone. So they're just making up a thing to do.

I think when we bought the first house we had, I was about to say what street it's on. But when we bought that first house, I really genuinely enjoyed watering the planning stuff, watering stuff, how watching stuff grow, like it made me, made me very, very happy. But I didn't do any of this, or our lady did,

or this all this yard, so I don't really have any attachment to anything, and I also feel like I can't cut anything back. I see, it's not your baby, did you? Yeah. You're not invested. Ila did the Rose Garden with Leanne and Lisa. So Ila is a part of that Rose Garden. So she goes out and cuts roses all the time.

She waters the roses. Last night, I'll be enough, I did water. I listened to Stavros and pardon my take. Last night. And so I did water the parts that are almost dead. Doesn't that feel good? Like it actually does. What are the little things that make you feel good?

Like just simple little things. You know what else is my favorite? When you rinse the house down and get the spiderwebs. I used to love doing that. Why does that feel so good? I don't, okay, then I think I'm, maybe I have a disconnect with this house. Because I don't really feel like anything's mine here.

Because then he lands. Can you just look at the wall behind him as he says that? It's not feel at home here, like I don't feel seen. I, the old house, I could, I would do all that stuff. Cause like I, I built, I painted the door. I put in all the ficus in the back. I did all the landscaping. I thought.

Do you still own that house? Yeah. Okay, because I recently, for the first time in my life, went to a house that I lived and for 10 years sold it, and I was in the neighborhood, and I was like, I'm just feeling fine, see how it's going. Like, let me say hi to the people about it. Oh, yeah.

You know? You sold it. I sold it. And they've been living in it for a couple of years, and I was like, oh my god, I should go like, say hi. I'm like, introduce myself. Like, she knows it was me, whatever. And they've been living in it for a couple of years. And I was like, oh my god, I should go say hi. And they're like introducing myself. Like she knows it was me, whatever. And I, and you think it's going to be this incredible, like, homecoming warm welcome.

I literally walk in and I'm like, hey, I just want to see the house. Like, hey, can you look at the fucking guest bat and where there roots, where there roots in the plumbing, where there roots in the plumbing. What is it with this fucking sprinkler situation? You're like, oh, well, it was a pleasure to swing by. What was the, what was the progression of houses that you own? This is the most, this is gonna be the most elitist conversation you're about to hear.

You can I tell you something? I've listened to a couple episodes today. This is the least elitist. Ron White was like, I spent 1.2 million on my jet. Yeah. Well, Tom, people know that I have a problem spending money. Tom loves spending money.

Yes. Like Tom loves. He loves earning money. Yes. Like Tom loves. He loves earning it too. He's making it. He busts his ass, but he doesn't mind, he doesn't mind, he likes nice things. Yes. I have a problem with nice things.

Interesting. Like when we have a $10,000 watch on it's a nice thing, but in the scope of watches, it's not like what I should have bought. Like I should be the guy that you know has the really nice one. It just doesn't fit me. It feels weird on me. Why this one?

Like what about this one? Like it fits you perfectly. Like how does a man choose a watch? It's funny. The watch kind of chose me. The lady just I went to the place and in Vegas. I wish I could say her name. She's awesome.

She might watch person in Vegas. So someone steals your watch in Italy and they're like the watch just chose me. Yeah, kind of. Yeah, that's how you're working. You're not gonna be able to argue with them. My buddy stole a hat out of a Jeep when we were in high school, and he goes, I don't know, man, the hat was talking to me,

and it made total sense. So, but no, I went in and I knew I was making good money in Vegas, and I was making good money in Vegas and it was hard to get a Rolex and so it's really hard to get a Rolex right now. Like impossible. Is that the number one number one? If I have 20 grand and I have to buy a watch gun in my head, I'm not even entertaining either.

I couldn't even be the, I'm not the one to tell you because that's a great thing to call Phil Hanley. I wonder if I have Phil's number in here. Patek Philippe. That's the one everyone wants. Is Hanley. I wonder if I have Phil's number in here. Patek Philippe. That's the one everyone wants. Is like that. Like if you're like, I'm an investor in a watch that will never lose value.

That's the one. Call Phil Hanley right now. I think you'll answer my call, Mark Norman, didn't. No, I also texted Mark Norman. Everybody is spelled, please read a message. Oh, that didn't work. OK, no one you call answers, let's see. No one, I have a new number, so no one knows it. All right. That didn't work. Okay, no one you call in. No one.

I have a new numbers. No one knows it. All right. Protect Philippe. But what is protectfully Swiss? I don't know. It doesn't sound like that. Yeah, Jen, Jen even.

Protect Philippe. It sounds. I thought they were in, like in backstani or something. There's a website. It's called I Want a Biowatch. Kevin Christie. He knows a lot about watches. There's a great website called I Want a Bi Watch, Kevin Christie. He knows a lot about watches. There's a great website called I Want A My Watch.com.

That's where I got something from here and I ended up returning it for a weird reason. But they have incredible deals. This is where Kevin goes and you can trade in and they're incredible, but they have some really incredible 80s Rolexes that I love. But some of them that are self-winding, or is that a battery?

No, yeah, I don't have to put a battery. That means you have to always wear it, you can't take it off, right? You don't take it off all the time. I just put it back on, I take it off for workouts. But I know I like Rolexes. I think I always like the, I like everything about them. YouTube, I always feel like for some reason Rolexes,

it's like USC or something, so many people have faked it, I always feel like for some reason Rolex is, it's like USC or something, like so many people have faked it, I always feel like a Rolex is fake. Well, yeah, and by the way, there's so many cheat codes on a Rolex, like the one I wanted was the white gold skydweller. It is, like I think, $150,000. Jesus.

But for $25,000, you can get a stainless steel skydweller and it looks identical. What's the one that Ellen had in her special that was $3300? Oh, I think it's the white gold contweller and it looks identical. What's the one that Ellen had in her special that was 3300? I think it's the white gold Contweller. I'm an Ellen fan. I'm sorry. I'm an Ellen fan. I couldn't help the joke. Which one did Ellen have in her special? She had one in her spec because I've remembered Neil Brennan. Like, she worked with her on it or something. And I remember she gave you one. Ellen DeGeneres I want to say good luck with this

Did you not put watch Ellen DeGeneres Post which by the way really quick um, I think I'd be theory about why she's grumpy sometimes I've found out that in China the name of her show is just called dancing lady Because you know in China they buy your show and they can change the name of it. Like, they don't have to call it what you want to call it. She has a platinum day, day Rolex. Day, day. Put in Netflix special.

Netflix special. Yeah, I just, I get weird about expensive. I worry about messing them up. And when you get shitty ones, they last forever. I'll get a water proof swatch like it's- Wait, I'm sorry. Nothing. This is fucking hilarious.

We're about to say the name of the watch, the price of the watch she bought, and here we go. It's not not allowed. Is this Phil? Yeah. Hey, it's Bert Kreischer. Hey, Bert, what's up, man? Hey, buddy, I'm sitting with Whitney Cummings

and we're talking about watches. And we're talking, and I we're talking and I'm we I thought I'd give you a call. We brought you a name up a couple times on the podcast today and Yeah, and we were talking about what what is the what first of all we said you were hilarious, which you fucking are? Yeah, so so I thought I'd throw that in first, but what is the best watch like brand watch that you can buy? I mean there's like you know like small small uh... best watch like brand watch that you can buy uh... i mean there's like you know like small small

people that you know make like two hundred watches a year but i would say that people have heard of my personal choice of i was to like break the bank i'd buy a protect okay that so protect believe in that that is that a swiss watch protect sounds ind though, right? Uh, Patek Philippe, I guess it does, but it's, yeah, no, there's Swiss. And so, and so out of the, like, when you say Rolex, everyone knows the one you want is

the stainless steel white, off-faced Daytona, right? Yeah, I mean, for sure, but I mean also, at the moment, that's like the sure, but I mean also at the moment that's like the trend, but I mean like you know a gold A gold Rolex or like the gold Daytona is with the green dial Yeah, people like they being the John Mar those are really hot too, but Or that like with all that the rainbow Daytona with those are like 200,000 bucks. Oh my god So what's the protectful? eb we should look at we're looking at watches on the podcast. Oh really? Yeah, I mean I would look at One of the perpetual calendars ones or I mean like the hot hot one there are also the steel Like the Nod list. Yeah, those are over the gold like a gold Dodd list or like the steel not list

I think they're oh type in not list at the bottom see not list at the bottom Right there Oh, yeah, that's a good looking watch. Oh Like you can't get those for lover money really Yeah, and they're so 70s the design is so cool. So the not list that's Designed by a guy named Gerald Gentah and he did the Nodless and then he also did the Royal Oak the AP Royal Oak and those are like the two kind of hottest watches right now those are like the two hardest watches to get. How much are

they by $225,000? Yeah like if you get a goal you get to get get, I mean, I think retail, a nod list, like a steal one's probably like The closer to 60, but now yeah, they're like what's like the watch market remember when we talked to the seller I'm like the watch markets about to drop. Yeah, so they've dropped But I think like around just like a gold Full-size Royal Oak like a jumbo, they're probably like, yeah, like 200 grand or something like that. Is there, is there like, hey, wouldn't it come in here tight,

stop for cash? Is there a version of this watch? Like, you know how like, you know, they'll be like a gold platinum and then there's like a steel version that's like, five grand, like, do they have that for this? Like, like, yeah, this steel, it's funny. Like Rolexes, the steel sports watches,

that non-lust is considered like the, the Patek sports watch. The steel ones are worth like, can often be worth as much as the gold ones. What? They're with royal oak. The steel ones are worth so much. Can I say something else?

I like a, I like a, I like a leather band. I don't. Really? Yeah, because I want to a I like a leather band. I don't really? Yeah, cuz I want to shower with it. My favorite I would do it my favorite watch I've ever had was a Swiss army watch. I know it's back to the day I was like in you know college or whatever and it was a leather band. I wore it every day It's the only watch I never took it off really Mm-hmm Swiss army you should look at some of the like the protect Like the dress watches or the like the tech like address watches

or the like perpetual calendars and with like the moon face and stuff like that and they'll be on like a leather strap. And those are crazy. Those predict the moon, like if it's gonna be a full moon or a half moon or whatever. So does the iPhone. 20 years.

Hey, how come you don't have a watch podcast? How'd watch this? I don't know if I'm like, I don't know if enough people would listen. Dude, it doesn't matter. What matters is, you know the people that, you know you'd be brought up by every fucking comic. And the fucking, the community, like how many free watches do you think you'd get out of that? I mean, I'm fine with just, I'm fine with paying, like if I could get a protect, the fucking the community like how many free watches do you think you'd get out of that

i mean i i'm fine with just i'm fine with paying like if i could get a patat or get rolex for retail yeah i can't imagine buying the uh... panda rolex for fourteen grand i'd be like over the fucking i would feel like i was getting for free the dude can i is is the the i'm going to italy um... tomorrow is there any is there any hook up? Is there any chance I can buy a Rolex in Italy for a good price? Or one that's specific to Italy.

Because I buy a lot of bitchy stuff, like I'm really into like bitchy groixes and Italy has a bad reputation for the for putting like, you know, not not that it's a bad like they wouldn't have all of it to parts. It would be like, is all original they're slimy worms yeah no we know we know we I've seen the movies but if you go when you and you're gonna walk into an ad and they're gonna be a huge fan of yours and you're gonna get a Rolex for retail what's an ad I got we I had a I have a great great great lady. I wish I knew her name. I just give her a shout out.

Look at this great lady in Vegas at the crystals mall and and so she knows Dave Chappelle because Enrogan because she knows them. She says to me the watch I have right now she says let me let me just go get your watch. She goes in the back, pulls it out. She goes, this is your watch. That's beautiful. Yeah. And so I give Tom, this is an inside baseball watch story. So I give Tom the hook up, right? I text her and Tom.

And I said, Tom's going to be in Las Vegas. He is coming in. He'd like to buy a Rolex. He knows more about watches than I do. You guys are going gonna get along great She goes great Tom come on in all like no is the conversation ended with Tom going how many can I buy He was just gonna clean them out and buy all her watches How does he store them are they in like a I don't know Tom Tom has to have a watch case

Yeah, I have a safety deposit box in New York. Do you really hurt alert? Yeah Dude, please please please start a watch podcast Start a watch podcast. This is what you do you start a watch podcast, but you travel right? So you do it at people's houses and then people bring out their watches and they tell you where they got them You can get Russell Peters David Spade. Oh, yeah, there's so much John mayor would do I mean D. Del Rey

Rogan Rogan would do it like whose Rogan's favorite watches are like are like weird Kind of like a two thousand dollar watch where he goes. This is the fucking watch. It's a fucking you know like like I'm telling you, man, because I know for a fact, I bring out my Phoenix garment, my garment Phoenix six X, I bring out, I have two, three Rolexes, like I would, I would love to, like, and I don't need this, the whole conversation, I'm gonna have to be watches,

that's a jumping off point, but it would be so cool. Where did you get it? As a fan of watches, you get Ellen DeGeneres, that's the, your white whale. Oh, she do it. Yeah, she's fan of watches you get Ellen de generous. That's the your white well. Oh, she do it Yeah, she's got some crazy crazy crazy crazy watch like vintage Daytona's and stuff like that Yeah, and can you tell the watch she wore on her special was $500,000 and the name of her special 500,000 and the name of her special was called relatable

Please tell me she knew it. I hope she knew it No ball. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no What's got Panda? The Daytona reference 6241 Yeah, well those like those those vintage Daytona the reason that New steel they told are the one that did you end up getting that bird? I'm waiting for my birthday on November 3rd, but yeah, it's a panda dial with a back at black acrylic bezel Yeah, well, not just that. No, that's a ceramic bezel. Yeah. So that they're like indestructible. But the reason that that watch is so hot right now is because it's it looks like the vintage Daytona is like the Paul Newman's and The vintage pandas. That's why that watch and that's what I'm trying to get. I'm like Sweet talking to Nadia trying to when you coming out to LA next. I'm coming out because my special my special comes out September 22nd.

So I'm going to come out to hopefully do podcasts that promote my special. I'm literally buying a watch. Please, please, please come to my podcast and do Whitney's podcast. Look, look, I'm buying a look what I just found. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. It's a Rolex with a feel real quick with a pink.

It's not super fancy, but I have that I guarantee you he's gonna have notes Have you ever seen a Rolex that has a pink dial? Do you have his number? No Talk dirty to me Phil. It's called yeah Rolex. No, it's an air king 500 custom It's like it. I'll send it to you. It says custom colored hot pink dial. It's, you should look at the pink dial. I'm stealing your number to text you. Pull it up, pulse. Whoa, look at these pink ones. How sick is that?

I've never seen that before. That's cool. Because I always feel like I always just want things to be like slightly more like feminine. Hold on, who, what is happening? I don't know your number. It's, I don't know your number. Ryan. Go like this, it's right here.

Oh, this is like, if I can, I'm so too dyslexic for this shit. What would you say is birth's worst quality? Stand up. Ha ha ha ha ha. Do you have any, hold on, do you have any stories about birth? I bet you have some, no assumption. How long have you known birth? I'm not gonna stop. I'm not gonna stop. I'm not gonna stop. I'm not gonna stop. I'm not gonna stop. I'm not gonna stop. I'm not gonna stop. I'm not gonna stop.

I'm not gonna stop. I'm not gonna stop. I'm not gonna stop. I'm not gonna stop. I'm not gonna stop. I'm not gonna stop. I'm not gonna stop. I'm not gonna stop.

I'm not gonna stop. I'm not gonna stop. I'm not gonna stop. I'm not gonna stop. I'm not gonna stop. I'm not gonna stop. I'm not gonna stop. I'm not gonna stop.

I'm not gonna stop. I'm not gonna stop. I'm not gonna stop. I'm not gonna stop. I'm not gonna stop. I'm not gonna stop. I'm not gonna stop. I worked on travel channel. It's like been one of my big... I've never seen them do one. I'm shit, yeah. I've been trying to get them to do it. It's one of the reasons I started Two Bears Racing. No joke, because they're really big into watches for race car drivers like the F1 people.

And so, and so I thought we start Two Bears Racing, Tom's in Rolex. I just would be think it would be cool. Like you said, I don't need free watches, but if you can get me a hookup, yeah, retail would be fucking amazing. Yeah. Yes. But, uh, but you have to do my podcast when you come out here and you have to do Whitney's as well. I would love to do both. I'm going to I'm planning on coming out a week. So the special comes out the 22nd of September. So planning on coming out. That following week. Let's go to I want to buy a watch together and we'll shoot some shit. Ooh. Let me find to go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go to an authorized dealer. Let's do it. I'll get a hook up. Yeah. You and I on both by a watch.

Whoever's is more expensive has to pay for the other one. No, I got a better. Whatever. Which everyone a better one. Whatever, whichever one's shit. How about this? How about this? That's a good idea. Okay. So we should do a video. We go, me and Whitney will go to an authorized dealer with you.

We'll go in, we'll each buy a watch. Sorry, Mark Norman is calling. We have Ryan Haney on his phone. No, Phil Haney. Phil, sorry. We got Mark Norman on the phone. Now, too, this is a four-way podcast. Ask Mark about his

Shoplifting Mark, are do you shoplift a lot still? Oh, yes Airport but I don't steal from people but like a little Seven eleven I'm all over it Just like a Hudson news podcast just like a Hudson news podcast okay we just want to make sure we bruh didn't want to be speaking out of turn enjoy I'm gonna text me and I'm gonna set you up and we're gonna do

we love you all right we love you awesome and congrats on the best love you by thanks brother I can't wait to hang in LA and thanks for calling me yeah of, of course. I'll text you right now. OK, say bye to Brittany. Oh, bye.

To Brittany? But, yes. Fucking yes. I mean, well played, sir. Well played. You know, Tom's going to love this episode. Really? He's going to think this, because he loves this is what he likes

talking about. I know. Well, I've actually, believe it or not, decided to go through the world as a conscious person, it's a new thing. So I like listen to a couple episodes instead of just coming on and being a spaz. And I was like, okay, the pace that y'all do,

you're hanging out. You're hanging out, but there's, so when we do this episode, normally we don't put up, we'll put up a couple talking points and things we want to hit. But normally we blow through those in five minutes and then are forced to talk genuinely. So today, I got done, we were looking at houses,

and I got done, and I came back, and I said to Leanne, I'm going to go lay in bed and think about things I want to talk to Whitney about. I'm going to put, I'm living life like a conscious person. So normally, I just come back with you, and I go, I was like, she's having, has a new special on Netflix. I should talk about that. And then Leanne said, what do you want to talk to Whitney about?

And this is the list I came up to. No. Um, uh, I don't know why I said that. What? Oh, now Kevin Christie's calling. Oh. Kevin Christie here with Berk-Krysher. I'd say, but, black panda was a good one.

It went gross. Okay, we have a couple questions for you, ready? Yeah. Is the black panda a good watch? Which one, the black panda, the red one? The red one, this, the Daytona. You wrote a Daytona panda?

I don't think that's a real one. So someone's like, you mean the black guy with the white. Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, it's great. What are you gonna pay for it? 50 50 Are you fucking with us now? Why is that good 15 for the steel Daytona steel Daytona it was It was made in 1980. There's three of them. They want to give us each. Oh, you mean the band, the old one, because the new one's called the

band it also. Yeah. It's, uh, I think it's a 37 millimeter. It's got a black acrylic bezel. And, uh, does it say Daytona and red or black? It says it in red. It says it in red. Yeah, 50s good. 50s good. That watch is incredible. Okay, we're gonna buy three of them then. But don't make who you buying it from. This guy Ricky. Okay, that's not enough info. No, Ricky from Van Nies.

Yeah, Van Nies. Is that clear for it? Yeah. Well, okay. And then we were trying to understand why is Patek Philippe? Is it superior to Rolex? Like, what would the equivalent be? Would it be like Patek Philippe is Chappelle and Rolex is Bert?

No, Patek Philippe is not a bad. Protect the leaf is the best. Rolex is like Brian Regan. It's fucking great. But it's you know what you're going to get. It's protect the thing about Rolex is the movements are solid, but they're not like heavily refined or super interesting. Whereas like a protect the leaf, like the annual calendar will keep the day right for 400 years and it's not a computer. Right. And the level of finish is insane. Like you can look in the back side and it's like

everything's hyper finish and crazy. And the people that buy them are like sheaks. So like, yeah, it's not you're not like no one one's casually buying a pet tech after a good year. I was gonna say, so like, there's no way to get a pet tech-ful-leap under like, like a, you can't get a steel one for like seven grand. Like, no, no, no, they're entry-level steel watch is 30,000 bucks. So, like a nice old one, I think the cheap is good one

is like 10 grand. So, pet tech-ful-le cheap is good one's like 10 grand. So Patek Philippe is the... It's the best. What is the Rolls Royce of Watches? And Rolex is the Mercedes. The Mercedes, essentially. Okay, I like being called Rolex in that. Yeah.

Look, I love Rolexes. Be very careful where you're wearing them, because people are getting robbed like fucking crazy. Okay So here's the thing. Okay, so birds going to Italy tomorrow and he goes, you know, I don't know if I should bring my watch to Italy Like what if you know like he thinks he's you'll get robbed in the valley at your hotel I watched videos all the time dude. These guys just wait outside nice hotels and look at, and they just look at risk. They steal them out of your fucking car while you're driving, dude. Whoa. So don't bring it. Is there somewhere in Italy he should buy a watch?

Like, is there any, like, vintage place? I'm not aware of, I'm not aware of, like, the Italian. You're up to expensive. You're going to pay more in Europe, really, to be honest. Yeah. But like, that Daytona's rad. It's a good buy, but just make sure That the person selling it to you is really really legit because those dials

You know, there's a lot of people being squishy with those dials because the difference between the right down the wrong dial is $10,000 Oh really Just make sure whoever sells you this watch isn't named Ricky. Go to go to right this down go to craft and tailored.com. I don't know if they have a panda but I know they have a silver dial one right now for around 15. And I've just found a Rolex with a custom neon pink face and I'm about to send it to you. I don't think it's custom.

They did a pink dial perpetual like two years ago. It's not custom. They did a pink dial. Oh, okay. It comes to that fucking beautiful. What's that one? That's the black with the red. I love black and red together.

I do too. I'm sending this to you now, Kevin. That guy is a really reputable dude. And yeah, you want to pay more for a Daytona if you know it's right because if it's wrong, you are fucked. Also, how expensive was Ellen's watch on her special relatable 300? What did it look like? Wasn't it a Paul Newman Daytona? Yeah.

I mean, those are 500 grand now. Ooh! You were right, Bert. But she bought that like 15 years ago, probably for 40 or 50 grand. Oh, wow. Yeah, they were low. They were like, you could get them for 30, 40 or 50 grand. Oh wow. Yeah, they were low. They were like you could get them for 30, 40, 50 like when John mayor was cornering the market on them, he was probably paying 50 grand, 40 grand. What makes a certain model be more valuable all of a sudden, like someone where

it's like moving. I watched across more as a thousand dollars more now. Like what makes the price go up a little watch? There's just less of them. It's just eccentricities, rarity, like Paul Newman which wore that Paul Newman Daytona. People didn't like it, but he wore it. And like those Daytona's the early 80s ones, they were dogs, no one wanted them. But like they over time, kind of the ones

that no one wanted become the most collectible. Huh. And those old Daytona's have really good news. Which is why births now seeing success. Same with comedy. Yeah. Yeah, I'm like a Daytona. You're like a Daytona. You're like old Daytona's have really good why birds now seeing success same with comedy. Yeah You know, no, I'm coming here. Well, you're you're the 80s Daytona All right, we love you Okay, love you bite this orange Jimmy Kimmel

Also, I Don't let me forget to run a movie idea about you. And then I also wanna talk to you about how I yesterday snapped. And a kid, a group of kids were driving so fast through my neighborhood. I walked up to their car, it was all blacked out. And when I get angry at someone, I walk up to their car and I open the driver's side door. Okay. That's also akin to a car checking.

Like that's the same thing. Is that a legal? It's a legal. Why? It's I think it's breaking and entering. You know what, but what if they were are speeding on your street? Like these were kids that were like 16 that were like up on my cul-de-sac. Like whatever.

Fucking hauling ass. But like speeding so fast, even me, I text and drive, drive fast. I'm the asshole of the neighborhood. If the asshole of the neighborhood thinks you're being an asshole, like I was like, guys, this is insane. Yeah, I have, well, here's a problem is that there is,

I went to therapy for this. Is there something you can do to affect change for real? The only thing you can do, I believe, in that situation is make the person think you're so crazy that they don't even attempt to fuck with you again. Here's the problem though, they kind of know where you live. Yeah, they would have to narrow it down, but then they also again, they know I'm crazy.

I looked them in the eyes and I'm actually was a little bit worried about it because the kid in the back started filming and I looked at that I was like when he comes calm Please post it tag me find me anyway, and I pulled his glasses off his face. Oh, please let this video go viral Please let this video go viral Please let this and you just smudge them and gave them back Yeah, they're like now you have to drive careful and then the like, get out of my, like the white kid was like, the other ones like were like, had manners. Yeah.

Like we're so sorry, da da da da da. And then the kid that I took his glasses off was being such a little bitch. I like threw it back and stuff. I found that smaller white boys are the most disrespectful white humans alive. Can I show you, tell you some else I did? This is wild.

What? Up at like the top, there's like a mountain behind my house where kids go up and they smoke and they drink. And we all did that. We all did it. I watch it, I will keep all your secrets. If you're a teenager and you're doing something

like safe and whatever, but this was up where there's like fires. Oh yeah. You can't be up there smoking secrets, you smoke a block. If you're vaping, it's fine. I'll look the other way, but like this is literally, the LAFD helicopters are right fucking over there. And so these kids were smoking like a joint. I was like, but like this is literally the L.A.F.D. helicopters are right fucking over there and

And so these kids were smoking like a joint. I was like, hey you guys can't do that like, you know This is a fire zone and then I lied They go like well, what do you have to do with this ma'am? And I went well, I'm a volunteer firefighter I don't even know if that is that even a thing you can be Yeah, I yeah, definitely, but I'm not I'm almost 100% certain that the women don't look like you. But also, why did I say volunteer? Like I offered up my services and now I'm here. Or for the FBI.

I was like a weird lie that I thought was gonna work and we both looked at each other, but I had to like, so then he walks, they ignore me and walk away, right? It's like this couple that's like stone and he walks, they ignore me and walk away, right? It's like this couple that's like stone and they're like smogs away, they walk away. I had like a half full kombucha. Well this story, this story is the widest story I've ever heard. I have full kombucha.

And I have full kombucha. And it was just, when someone is that disrespectful, all bets are off and I just get like apoplectic and I open the door with the car, which was obviously the parents car, right? It's like this is your parents car. And I empty the kombucha on the seat, close the door and went home. You should do a series of videos

called You Thought That Was Karen. And just you take things to the next fucking level. But that's, I feel like I stand by some of these actions. I actually know I stand by I stand by some of the things that I've done like a like right during the beginning of the pandemic No, a little few few weeks in me, Georgia and Ila were walking the dogs I told this one another two bears one time were walking the dogs and then we have the neck gay I have the neck gators on and it's around my neck and Island and Georgia have their masks on but they're holding them because it's all just us. And a woman comes by with her cell phone. I can't tell if she's live streaming

or talking on FaceTime. She's got a mask on and she goes and yes, they don't have their masks on and I went, you're a cunt. And I remember thinking, that goes viral. Do you know the worst one I ever did? Mm. But by the way, you're in front of your kids. Like, you just came for me. Yeah.

Like, what is this new thing where someone thinks that they can do something shitty and there's no consequence whatsoever? Like, this is the real world. And when someone, I've never been the person that was like, kids driving to the neighborhood it was so fucking dangerous and I was like I can't make you stop there's nothing I can do except scare you and make you think I'm so crazy that it won't even be worth it to you

to fuck with me again. There's been times think about how it affected you as a child there's been times when I remember having guns pulled on me in Florida when we were driving too fast and that'll slow you down. I remember when I was a kid, we would toilet paper people's houses. We would egg people's houses. And when someone, all of a sudden someone's uncle or someone came out with a gun, you never did it again. Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch It was a scavenger hunt. Me and three dudes, I won't say their names, I know no one's gonna edit this out cause Nidav's barely listening. Me and three dudes were all related.

They were two, all three cousins of different kin, but all three cousins. And, yeah. Oh my gosh, these black face ones. Yeah, they were pretty racist. They were all over Tampa. Oh God, I remember this. They were all over Tampa.

And so one of the things was to steal a longjockey. So we stole it. And the dude came out. He had a Honda CRX and he came out and he pulled up next to us. We were all get turned and left on beta bay and he pulled up to the right of us. He pointed a gun in the car, a gun, like a 57 long barrel gun. And the dude driving who I'll just call Fritz was like pull the trigger motherfucker and I remember going that's not what you supposed to say and then we fought this guy down Bayshore I mean down Bayshore he jumps onto a car he it was the most insane crazy experience I've ever had in my life and I've never sold a long jockey since.

Can I tell you, because that's also racist, that's exactly the person you wanna steal from, but also my brain goes, if that's on someone's lawn, don't fuck with that person. Well, that wasn't racist back then, they were all over Tampa, people didn't know that that was intense. It was racist, but... Well, it was, you just didn't know.

I can't, I know a new yet. Yeah, as I remember saying to, I remember saying to, I remember saying to, to Ollie Sidiq, I go, do you remember when, do you remember when it was okay to wear black face? It goes, it was never okay. I remember okay. And I go, no, but you remember when they did it,

but no one said anything to go. They were when we were races all the time. Because it still was never okay. I was like, I realized this the other day, when people like, you can't say retard anymore, you can't say retard, and I'm like, I feel like we've tried, when people like you can't say retired anymore, you can't say retired. And I'm like, I feel like we've tried, like anything you substitute it with

is gonna be an insult soon. So when I was, It's the intent. But when I was in early high school, maybe middle school, I was put in a reading group, like, did you have reading groups? We had gold, blue, and red.

I had a really hard time reading. Me too, I was in the gold group. And you think gold is, like, gold standard, yeah, it wasn't, and red. I was, I had a really hard time reading. Me too, I was in the gold group, and you think like gold is like, gold standard, yeah, it wasn't being the red. That was the retardicates. Oh really? So people, you couldn't say they were retarded, but people like, oh, hey, gold group,

like you were saying the same thing, just with a different actual nomenclature. They had a class at our school, at another at adjacent school where they didn't they it was a it was a portion of the grade and I don't know what they were trying to I don't know what the intent was but the name of the thing was called boom boom as if like you're in the boom boom classes and the boom boom classes meant you had a hard time reading and doing math.

And I remember just that you would make fun of, you should be in the boom boom room. Or your classes are so loud they have bass. Like, but anything, that's a stand-hope joke. You know that, right? No. Before it was, it was retarded that it was mentally, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, But before it was retarded that it was mentally...

No, it was idiot. They were called idiots at first. And then morons. And then imbosols. And then whatever it is, that's what the words kids are gonna use to insult the people. I was trying to work on a bit right now about. The thing about having kids is you

are become more sensitive based on the fact like you use your language changes because you're afraid your kid might be that thing. Like I don't make fun of like gay people or transgendered people mostly because that's also a pretty cool thing not to do. But like I don't say like, like any gay jokes at all, I'm like, my kids might both be gay. I don't know that. Yeah. And I don't want them to have a dad that they're afraid to come out to because I have this history of talking negatively

about transgender or gay kids or they're gonna date a black guy and they're like, I don't want my dad to meet this guy because you've heard the shitty said in the car. So that was one of the first things. Which is the only reason you don't say the unword constantly. It's the only reason. It's the only reason it's because one of them may be

deep-dicking. Black woman, or woman. Yeah, or woman. Oh my God, I mean, God, do you imagine that? Hey, no. I have so many fucking jokes I've just written that I want to tell you, but I can't. I'm doing all these jokes about the trans stuff right now

and it's actually really working. Like it's weird because it's like, I'm not even trying to like make a point because like I think she'll tell so brilliant and I don't want it to feel like a reaction to that or anything you know what I mean? But it's just like, it's my actual experience of like having so many,

I'm just gonna live in Hollywood or whatever, so many like drag queen friends and trans friends and it works a lot to like go against all that. Like people like it. It's like there's a way to make both ways funny. What's interesting is like I wonder if the, because I say though, I say I'm like yeah, like trans women, they're angry, they're nightmare.

I understand why you're like, Is that one of your gym glund? Yeah, that's a gym chandel, what one? It's good for your tummy. I shouldn't. You won't have a headache tomorrow. I can't have anything grapefruit because my blood pressure medicine. Oh really? Yeah. It stops the medicine stops working and then you may have a build up of it, build up of it.

So like if you take your blood pressure medicine you drink grapefruit. Then it does that grapefruit juice doesn't allow certain medicines to dissolve I think. Oh yeah. And then if you take another one then now you have double up. That's why you're not supposed to drink grapefruit and Xanax. Do you, that's why? Do you, do you know your blood type? Cause that has to do with what you're able to digest and not digest.

Gravy. It's, I'm the one, which one was the one they said couldn't get COVID. Oh, oh positive. Oh really? Because like that, I went to this guy when I first like, it was like in LA and had some money and like had to deal with some like ailments and shit. I got my first allergy test in my life when I was like 30. What are you allergic to?

I was allergic to every grass, but like, you know what I mean? Out here, California grass is like sketchy anyway. Yeah, I'm already allergic. In Virginia, we would sleep outside. Nothing. But like with the you know what I mean out here California grass is like sketchy anyway. Yeah In Virginia we would sleep outside nothing out here. I go for like one walk. I'm itching everywhere It's like those little things are called Fox tails Do you know what those are? They get stuck in me I actually have like things stuck in my arm at all times just from like walking through Really like in LA outside dust is a big one like I used to have really. I'm a hard-quiroller to do.

Really bad eye bags. I used to have to ice my eye bags like every morning and then I took the rugs out of my house. I have, I will, if I'll, the other night, winds kicked up and immediately I was like, I have COVID because if my throat hurt, then it goes right to my lungs. I have, I wake up the next day, I'm like,

oh, and then throughout the day it's gone. What do you do? Do you take better drugs? I'll take anything. Hmm. I have a weird thing about taking pills. I like yeah, you even Unless it's annex. Unless it's a Even I'm a hard time taking Xanax. I have a hard time taking anything so second it goes in my brain starts spinning out of control And I don't like they just stop my blood pressure medicine to To a hundred milligrams of low-sardon, okay, and because they were like to 100 milligrams of low-sorting. Okay. And because they were like 75 and 50,

what the fuck, you'd go 125, you barely need it or you need it. Oh wait, but who was this you switched to actors? Uh, no, no, I did this, I've talked about this, I'm at nausea now, but I did this executive concierge physical where they test everything top to bottom. And that guy was like, there's no, there's no, not, there's a benefit in just having your blood pressure perfect.

And then, and then if you lose weight, which I've now lost, I was 265 at my in November, I'm now 248. Have you gone on Metformin ever? What's that? This is shocking to me. Metformin is? What's that? This is shocking to me. What's this? Metformin is, it's a, like, Dr. David Sinclair,

like, all those pe-, humorment, like, all those people talk about it because it was a ble-, nope, it was a diabetes medication where when they did all the tests on everyone, the people that took it and didn't have died, like, the control group had less instances of cancer and extreme, like, weight loss

because it basically stops you from metabolizing sugar, because it's to stabilize blood sugar for diabetic people. I started taking it. It's changed my life. I can eat bread, I can eat anything. I don't have to work out the way that I used to.

It's great for your skin. It's, they say that in 20 years, it's gonna be required to take it in order to get health insurance. That's how much of a miracle it is. And what's it called? Metformin. Metformin.

Preventative of cancer. Like, like, Rogan would say, because there is some research that you can't build as much muscle. So, like, if you're a bodybuilder, you might not be able to, but who cares, you know, that's something Rogan, you know. It's a pre-diabetes. So my sugars were good. But if you, like, have pasta and go to bed,

you take it before bed so that your body doesn't turn into fat I do that. See out right now. I'm doing because my all my tests came back good. Yeah, I was like I'm gonna get in front of it Can you text your concierge doctor? Yeah, ask about metformin because if there's a if there's a no medical reason you shouldn't be on it You should be on it. I feel like you shouldn't be on it, you should be on it, I feel like. Like everyone should be on it. This is the one he suggested you buy. Phil said by that one.

That's a little baby pink though. I like it, but it's more, I like the more electric pink. I do too. I just sent a picture of you to Jenny and this one. No. Yeah, I had to, I like this more electric pink. She DM me the other night. Really?

But just, she, let me replace that. I just wrote with somebody, but, she came up in my DM, good, I look good, I look muscular. I do. I came up in, she retweeted one of the things I tweeted or whatever, reposted it, and I showed up in my DMs and I was like, oh, she got it. And all I said is, Jennie and Winston,

and I'm a dinner with my daughter and her friends and I go, I just got a DM from Jennifer Aniston and they drop their force. And I was like, oh, it's not that big. And I'm like, you have a DM from Jennifer, are you fucking kidding me? So I was like, I didn't respond. I just, I don't know.

Okay, I like it. Just, yeah, I do like a dope, because because it's gonna say scene which is dorky Yeah, she knows you've seen it Jen I should give it to you and you I got one from Gabby Reese. That's a fucking. That's a big one for any fucking I love Gabby. I think he's donuts really quick you and I Jesse it's lur. You and I have the same weird bump on our face Where right there right here? Yeah, I want to I don't know what it is look same exact spot You and I, Jesse, it's Lure. You and I have the same weird bump on our face. Where? Right there. Right here?

Yeah. I don't know what it is. Look, same exact spot. Yeah, what is it? I don't know, but if I turn sideways, we'd have it in the same exact spot. I think it's a Milla M-I-L-I-A, which is when you get a little hard calcification on your skin.

Tony Lee just hit me up. What? What's going on in your DNA? Uh-huh. Oh, this girl got beat up on her birthday. Jesus. And, uh, I don't know what's had to respond to it. What the fuck, bro?

Who, uh, Tommy Lee? To Tommy Lee. No. He said you a video about a girl like that beat up on her birthday. And, no, I never reply this. She got jumped on her birthday by some guys in a parking garage on Hollywood.

Hi, Tommy. Don't, don't, don't. She got jumped. My favorite is Mrs. Heitami. I love him. I did a movie with his, uh. His girlfriend, his wife was in. And he come and came and hung out. Yes, it was the machine gun Kelly movie. And she was in at their buds.

Because machine gun Kelly played. Tommy Lee. Tommy Lee at a movie. So Tommy Lee's there. And he's just like the sweetest guy. Machine gun Kelly lived right there. I thought he moved in Sino. Oh yeah, he's close by.

Yeah. And so he He has parties that are pretty Files well, yeah, the guy that was living there before his parties were Inz do you know any of your new neighbors? I met my neighbors next door. Yeah next door neighbors, and they're fucking Awesome really yeah, they they own they shouldn't even tell anyone what they do or anything, but they have a ton of money. Okay. And they're from Israel.

And we went to a neighborhood party about noise complaints. The person who brought it up didn't say anything. And then I meet the guy that lives next door to me who is a pretty loud, like they party fucking hard as fuck. And then me and him hit it off immediately. He's like, you want a direct kill? And I was like, yeah. And next thing I'll, I'm at his house

with the music blaring as loud as it could possibly be. And we are having the time of our fucking lives. And then he's like, do you want to have Shabbat dinner with us? And I was like, they were the coolest fucking people in the world. Do you remember when Kathy Griffin had to go to court against her neighbor in Calabasas?

Like the Kardashians were on one side of her and this other guy. And she had to move. I think she had to move. I had to move because I had to move. her neighbor in Calabasas, like the Kardashians were on one side of her and this other guy, and she had to move. I think she had to move. I had to move because I had a neighbor. It was on TMZ, my thing. I had a neighbor jump my fence and cut down 10 of my trees, and I had to move.

This like, this like Russian dude. Yeah, like, had undocumented workers jump the fence, cut down my trees, and then I went to confront him about it and was like this whole nightmare. But Kathy Griffin had a crazy one too. We pulled Whitney Cummings TMZ. Well, the neighbor saga was like, it's the nightmare. Well, it was a nightmare.

Why did he cut your trees on it? He wanted a view of the will. So that, they're there for a couple reasons. A neighbor tree atch it. Yes. Oh God, what the fuck? I've never seen this article. When you come to neighbor, you kill my trees,

but you can't stump the cops. Okay, I never said stump the cops. By the way, please say that you said that that would be so great. Did you know that I didn't come to cops? Why did he do this? Why did he do this? Okay, because here's exactly what happened.

So I hear chainsaws. And in LA, you hear, you don't know how close something is or how far some is when there's construction and you're in a like, you know, canyon or whatever. And I hear it and I'm like, at this point, I'm like some is when there's construction and you're in a can you know whatever. And I hear it and I'm like at this point I'm like I guess that's just my inner monologue. Like just chainsaws going off because I was like that sounds close but it's probably just you know in my head. And then I go it's I don't know where my dogs are and they're barking and I go up and

there's three guys on my property with chainsaws. They've already cut down. I mean when I say like 45 feet high, pines, and cypresses, which it is a felony in California. Yeah. Trees that mature. These are, later when they estimated this, they're like, this is where,

this would take $1.4 million to get all this back to restore this, you can't sue him because you'd have to put a lien on his house. Do you really want to put a lien on the house of some Russian mother fucker that just jumped your fence and cut down 10-year trees? So I run up there, I see these like three guys I don't speak English and I was like, like, what are you doing? And they're like, oh, he told me we were allowed to. And I said to them, I was like, you need to leave

now. Like, leave right now. I didn't see. Did they have a picture of it? I do. I do in my phone somewhere. But I was like, you guys got to go. Get out of here. I never saw you, like I never saw you. Like this guy put you in danger, don't ever work for him again. Like my dog's gonna kill you, I would've shot you. You know, you're gonna eat you just leave, and everything will be fine.

I jump up. Is this a house? That's not the house. Yeah. It was crazy. It was in, hold on, but that was the house. Go back. Come on, go back.

Do wherever it is this house. But this house right here in here. Wait, no, that's my new house. Don't work that one. So, uh, click on the picture. She has tapped on Halston's, why can't see it? No, no, not that one. That one just, yeah, that one.

Oh, you couldn't see you can't see her. Yeah, the two below there, the two below there. Yeah, go lower, go right. The trees would be behind what behind where the photographers taking. Yeah, so they would have been where we're sitting, the trees, like in an acre up. Where was that? And up in Studio City.

And I go up there. And Russian men, I later learned, this is a generalization, obviously, but I feel like I'm allowed to criticize Russia right now. Is that OK? But not in this room, you're not. They, like, I was talking to someone who was like, oh, a man that's in his 60s that, like,

grew up in certain parts of Russia, they believe that anything that a woman thinks they own like belongs to them, that's how. And so. It's a great house. He jumps my fence. The trees are 10 feet into my yard. There's no way, you know, you could justify this.

So I go, I start. So this is the trees right there? They were up here higher, like up there. Okay. It's also in California, tall tree service, not only privacy, oh the ones those tips, see those tips, tips, tips, those are them. Those?

Yep. And then two pine trees that were 45 feet tall. I mean, it was like, it's devastating. You don't realize how emotionally attached you were to trees that you never noticed before until they're chopped out of running You we had this is not gonna sound as high brow, but we had a What's the what's the fucking thing of bird of paradise?

Yeah, we have bird of paradise that in our backyard in our old house that blocked a lot of the noise from the alley and Any of the lights from the alley and I got on your property value from going out. Yeah, well no, no, no, no. It was when he went, like, I cut it. Yeah. He cut it to make it healthy on his own, didn't ask me. Like, I don't give a fuck about a health of a bird of a paradise. Yeah. I want that everything blocked. He decided it needed to be cleaned up.

And now I could see a jack in the box sign very clearly from my backyard. And I was like, dude, you just ruined my, you ruined. I got in my pool. Now all I see is Jack in the box. And he was like, you don't like it. And I was like, Jack in the box? No, I love Jack in the box. Don't get me wrong.

I love Jack in the box. But I don't like to see it all day, every day, as an advertisement in my backyard. And he was like, the Jack in the Box is good, right? And I was like, what the fuck are we talking about? Jack in the Box? But so then I jumped the fence, I go, I burst into the guy's home.

Like I open his door, go in, it says. I love how off-kill tree you are. That's what I know, even I know that's wild. Yeah. And go in and I look to my left and I see a room that is set up like a hospital room with like lotion on the wall and a TV You know fashioned and I look over and there's a girl who's probably looks like 14 or 15 who has like is hanging off the side of the bed That looks handicap didn't whether it's paulsy something. Yeah, so the my brain went like who lived it was like set up Like this is this child's life, you know

Teenage handicap and I was like You know, you can see universal city from here. You can see the fireworks. You can see the Harry Potter thing So I'm like he probably did it so she could have a view If he had just asked me if he had just not done it in a hard I would have paid for it I would have done the entire thing if he said hey the, the fireworks go off at universe so we can see him from here. My daughter would just, I'd be like, oh, I got this dude, I'll cut him down. Wow.

And so is that what ended up happening? I had to call the police because they're like, you have to, this is a felony. You've now broken into his house. And then I'm now broken into his house. So because I said to him, I was like, you jumped my fence and cut my tree because how do you know they were your trees?

And you're like, what? They were all my fence. How do you know the fence is in the right place? You're like, how do you know they were your treats? And you're like, what? They were all my fans, how do you know the fences in the right place? You're like, how do I argue with this person? But in Russia, that thug mentality of like, it's mine and what are you gonna fuck and do about it? And he's like, I'll see you in court, great. And you're like, oh, you have so much leverage

when you're that crazy. Yeah, well, it's overwhelming how much, how difficult it is to fight someone who doesn't give a fuck. When someone doesn't give a fuck, you're like, oh, there's, I can't win, because you don't give a fuck. That's fucking, we had a friend, and now I have to sleep next to you and you're crazy. We had a friend put a wall up, they had their house,

their neighbors put a wall up on their driveway, on the on the edge of their driveway down the thing and now they can't get out of their car on one side of the car And I was like what the balls on some people there's nothing worse than having an amosti with the neighbor I mean I had a pit in my stomach all I was so in rage because every time it's all I could think about But it's nice to know that Kathy Griffin added to even up in Calabasas. Yeah, can you look at the Calabasas thing? She bought this wild house and the guy was just blasting music all day all night. It was like an older guy and it was like, I mean, when you're in your own home, neighbor, just type neighbor, the amount of money you spend and you're dealing with someone else's

noise. Like that is. This is why she left the United States. Didn't she? It's all going to be severed head stuff, money you spend and you're dealing with someone else's noise. Like that is why she left the United States. Did she? It's all gonna be severed head stuff, Halston. You gotta be really specific. It's all much severed head shit. But I actually moved, and then I went to England and I had post on social media, I was gone.

I came back and someone had scratched a smiley face into my door, my front door, and I know it was him. And I literally security, it was like, you just have to move. Like this motherfucker is gonna kill your dogs. Like you can't fuck with this guy. That is a thing too. It's like a poison dog.

Oh, that's my biggest part. That's why I always have my dogs and crates because someone could throw a baloney over with Drainow in it and it's done. Cause I fuck with so many animal, crazy animal people, abusers. Oh, so this guy's a CEO. What's a CEO of real queer, type of? Music guy, right? Jeffrey Met a CEO. What's a CEO? Real quick.

Music guy, right? Jeffrey Metzger. What's Jeffrey Metzger, dude? Ooh, that's a, I didn't really know to, Kurt. Metzger, I've never heard that last name. Jeffrey Metzger.

Oh, this guy. KB home, I don't even know that. KB home's like the biggest fucking, they're like one of the biggest realtors in, in LA. Very powerful, yeah. He's like this big bigger, like, of the biggest realtors in LA. Her and the crowd for you. So he's the big bigger, like, soon man, all that attention. There we go.

One of nation's biggest home builders is putting a topic executive I noticed after vulgar rant against comedian, Kathy Griffin, who was caught on tape and went viral. Oh, damn, can we see that? Neighbor was recorded on a security camera, hurling slurs against Griffin while in a heated argument with her boyfriend,

Metzger was angered after Griffin, or her boyfriend complained to police over a family get together at the house. So she had to start calling the police and filing noise complaints. Well, it's crazy because playing music is one of those things like smelling. Like you don't realize how bad you smell until someone points it out. And music is the same. It's like, none of my neighbors who play music,

and they do it at times, none of them know how they sound. And you just got it, I kinda go, I'm sure I do it, and it bothers them at times. And when you play it, it's always the perfect when someone else plays it, it's too loud. And you have friends over, you're like, how do you not get how much fun we're having? Yeah.

And then when they do it, it's just fucking annoying a shit. Well, her house is pretty close. But there's also a way to do it. There's a way to go. There's a way to go. If I'm gonna have a party at my house outdoors, I text my neighbor and go, hey, this Sunday from noon to five,

I'll probably have people over. Can you just let heads, like the neighbor, my natural neighbor, did that exact same thing? You just have to let them know. My son's getting married. By the way, Halston, you were here when we did the podcast

where we could hear it. He's like, apparently he texted the end, Leanne ever told me. He was like, my son's getting married. We're gonna be partying pretty hard that evening. Yeah. Please come over, we have a camel. Ha!

Ha! They had a camel, they had a camel. And by the way, when I went over to his house, I was listening to them listen to music. And it didn't sound that bad in their house. Can I tell you who lives down the street for me? Ooh. Who has caused us the most noise in the neighborhood?

Logan Paul? No, no, but I lived like three doors down from him. I remember that, I remember that. Yeah, I remember that. And we just every time I just stepped out of the house like a like intended G-Wagon almost hit me. I was like the G-Wagon. The neighborhood was fucking wild.

And so what were we talking about? Who lived down the street from me who's loud as shit? Mary and Ross, she's the mom from Happy Days. No way. Yes, she lives at the end of this cul-de-sac. She has these outer parts that are huge. When you're there, it doesn't sound that loud. But when you go back to my house,

which is like a quarter mile away in a valley, it's so loud. But when you go back to my house, which is like a quarter mile away in a valley, it's so loud. It sounds so crazy. This is sort of like the acoustics make it carry. She's 85 years old. Yep, can you see the outside of the house? Do she has ragers? And you know what else she has?

She has like plastic animals in her yard, like deer and cows, like something's going on over there. I'd love to go to a party at her house. That's not, dude, come, I've been thinking about crashing. I mean, I could just have 200 people. Because your house is perfect. Like you're in the middle of nowhere. And it's like, and it you're safe.

Two miles from a ER. Yeah. But in the middle of nowhere. Yeah. At the same time, none of these are it. I'll have to look it up. But she's got like two acres that's like, sensed in.

That's what's crazy about, even like, that's what's crazy about LA is that you can buy the nicest fucking house, but you still have neighbors. Or you're looking at neighbors. I remember one time I looked at whatever I fucking them just get a name, I'm not keeping anyone's secrets anymore. I'm done, dude.

So one time I looked at a house in Nichols Canyon and it was a weird house, but I wanted done. Dude, so one time I looked at a house in Nichols Canyon, and it was a weird house, but I wanted it. It was like five little villas, like five self, like one bedroom houses. It's very odd. And I was like, oh, I could do this, like have friends stay here, whatever. And I go out and I'm like, I think I'm gonna buy this house.

And I'm looking over the like Nichols Canyon Valley where you see every single house, you know? You, I could I could do this then I just hear like Like it's just one like fucking woodpecker. I'm like, I don't even look what it's so loud But it's like a hammer in a nail and it's so loud. I'm like, what is that is that good? They're like oh Tim Allen lives two doors down and he's always doing construction on his house He really is a tooltime guy. With like one hammer. Oh, the one hammer?

So, it's not like three months of construction. It's just all day every day. He's doing something. Weedly and wanted to buy a house in Ohio. And so, she goes with me, and she tells me about it. It's... Which Ohio, like for people that don't, it's like a sort of suburb,

not a suburb, it's like a town outside LA. My problem with it is it's not near the mountains or the beach, it's kind of like desert. It's a little bit in the desert and it's, I'll tell you more about it as I tell this story. But it's like, I wanna say it's like 15, 20 acres, it's huge, it's huge. On top of a mountain,

top of a mountain, the big fires burned it, burned the house down. So it's just an empty thing, but all the stuff does the pool. Is that the only thing obviously that didn't burn? But it's huge. And so Leanne takes me up there, and as we drive up, we're getting to the top of the mountain, and the girls rode on the window, and I smell farts aggressive. And I'm like, what is this? And Lee and goes, oh, it's sulfur, but that's, it's oil county. And it doesn't happen all the time. And I said, really?

And so I get up to the top and I say, lady, I go, this smells pretty aggressive. And she goes, oh, it's better when you get away from the edge of the mountain. I said, you mean the view? The view? And she goes, yeah, it's not that bad when you get away from it.

So we start taking a walk and it does go away. When you get back to where you'd want to stand on this place, go look at the fucking ocean. It's fart and I go and I said, and I, and the end goes, it smelled like this last time I was here and I was like, and it smells like this this time. I think it's going to smell like that all the time. She goes, yeah, but if you can get past that and I go, no, that's why you buy a house. And so you have the mountain, you've heard a fresh mountain air. That is the point of a mountain is the fresh. Glade has made billions off this concept and we're smelling farts. And she goes, don't worry when the wind blows the other direction, you can't smell it.

And I go, so you're saying half the time. It's also get so hot up there. It heats up. It's like a hot trash smell. And it was so bad What is sulfur? Why does it smell that bad? It's salt coming from what cuz it's cuz she said oh It's oil country if you live in oh high. That's what you get it's oil country So then we have like few friends living oh high and we called them are like is this smell of fart at your house?

And they're like no The name of the mountain was something, I swear to God, it was like sulfur mountain. See if that's what I'm not even kidding. The name of the mountain, we're almost sulfur mountain. Oh, see if that's a real thing. Is it S-U-L-P-H-U-R-F-E? S-U-L sulfur mountain?

Oh hi, we were on sulfur fucking mountain. So you looked at it, you looked at the top. We looked at it, it's a real fucking place. And the reason they call it sulfur mountain is because it smells like fucking farts. We get in the car and I go, I look at the thing on the, and what you put on it and I go,

so sulfur mountain, that's the name of this mountain. She goes, yeah, I go. And the lady's saying it doesn't always smell like sulfur. She goes, yeah, I go, it's called sulfur mountain. That's like when you call a woman a whore because there's chances are Chas are not always when the guys call lefty Chas are you gonna have a left fucking arm? It's super fucking mountain. You think it's gonna change smells?

They call it a super mountain. That's a shit valley Queef peaks You know old fatty the skinny guy I'm not going to get a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a

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I would probably go to Bozeman. I don't know, I would like aim, I would like to be off the grid as fuck where you could do shit in the day where you could go swimming in a lake and then ride motorcycles and horses. We've been to Wyoming. I love Wyoming.

It is paradise. But Jackson Hole, I think, Jackson Hole would probably be my number one, and horses. We've been to Wyoming. I love Wyoming. It is paradise. It's amazing. But Jackson Hole, I think Jackson Hole would probably be my number one, but I feel like it's gotten real fancy. It's like Aspen now. I want to go to a place where like where I'm not the oldest dude and there are dudes older than me that still look young. You know what I mean?

Like we know when you go to Colorado, you go to like a when you go to like say like I was literally just have you been to Vale? Yeah. And the surrounding area. It is so goddamn beautiful. We were just in Breckenridge. you got to like, when you got to like say like, I was literally just, have you been to Vale? Yeah. And the surrounding area, it is so goddamn beautiful. We were just in Breckenridge. Yes, that's where Emily goes, who runs my podcast. Yeah.

I went to Vale for a corporate gig, and Vale itself is kind of like a mini-Switzerland. It's like a super fancy, but outside it is like the most down to earth people, and it's the most beautiful place I've ever seen. The only problem is the altitude. It's not a relaxing place, because if you're like me and you drink a lot, then you are literally sucking wind for half the time.

Do you ever go to like beaches that are like southern Georgia, like Tiber Island? Yeah, I've been to all of those. I love Tiber Island. Hilton head. Hilton head, Tiber Island, a fos Foskey, like all like- Santa bells. Santa bells down underneath Tampa. Santa bell is one of the most beautiful places in the fucking world.

St. Augustine, go all the way down that coast. We've surfed, I say, served. As a kid, we served, but I sucked, but we served all the way down that coast from us in high school. I'm going to Hawaii at the end of the month to learn how to surf. Really? Why, why?

I know that there will be waves there, and if there isn't, I can still be in Hawaii. Have you seen that documentary, The Hundred Foot Wave, the guy that's searching the wave? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Why did I have to sit there for four hours that? Could not have been like 30 minutes? There's a new show on Netflix called there's a, there's a new show on, on Netflix called the most-aided man on the internet. Yeah, I've seen it.

So what I did is I started watching it, and then I just Googled Hunter More and then read the whole thing, and I was like, I got it. Like I can do that with sometimes with mystery movies where I go, I'm not gonna be involved for this whole thing. Just tell me what happens. I, and this is a very hot take.

I enjoy a movie more when I know the ending. He kind of looks like Giannis Popus. He does! I know the ending, and then I can just enjoy the execution of it. I just went to Top Gun when I was in Austin, and I just had to know if anyone died. I just was like, That's a very valid.

Now I can just enjoy it, because I kind of know what I'm dealing with. I don't have to panic so hard. I think there should be an app where you can sit next to a celebrity and watch a movie. Yeah, I mean, I don't know, maybe that's not the idea. What's it for the celebrity?

Not much, not much, not much. I watch Top Gun next to Chris Titus. And so, yeah, I sat next to Chris Titus and his family with my family. And his family and my family watched the movie together. And it was really interesting because there's no one else in the theater. And so we just talked throughout the whole fucking movie

and it was really fucking fun. This is what I loved about. Do not bring up Chris Titus to Shane Gillis. See, I love this kind of shit talking where no one's even mad about like uh... ron white on uh... two bears with tom brought up richard jenny and he was a guy richard jenny you know he was the best i mean i think about people that were better than me that should have had bigger careers than me

he's going in with this like you know like adulation of this guy is incredible and then tom is like what was he like he's like he was such a fucking asshole yeah but it wasn't mean it was just like this is who he was he was just an asshole. Yeah, well he killed himself I don't think he was kind to himself either it wasn't talking shit because it was just true Yeah, you know, there's there's so many comics that it's not talking shit There are just assholes. Well, cuz you also like would you disagree? I'm not talking shit about you cuz like would you disagree? Yeah, you know, yeah, it like I think I think I cared more about what other comics thought about me, whereas like,

I got like Richard Jenny did not care. And he just was like, all right, fuck the world. But he was actively, that story was actively sadistic. Like, he would go, uh, uh, uh, Ron White walked in and said, hey, and then, Richard Jenny looked at the, someone who was like, how long is he going to be here? He like went out of his way to be a dick. What is that? What is that?

He was like that to me, not really. He was very dismissive to me, but I was, I mean, I was nobody. Which I mean, I guess you shouldn't do that. That's even weirder. Yeah, like I walked up to the upstairs of the improv and I was hosting for him. It was just me and him doing the show.

I walked up and I was like, I was like, hey man, and he had a fucking tons of notes, like writing tons of notes. And I was like, it was right after 9-11. And he was, I was like, hey man, what do you want me to say about you? And he was like, I they should be able to handle that. And I was like, okay. As in someone else should give you his intro? As in someone like, I should go get it from the, so I was like, I don't, I didn't know the fuck. But even what other job can you do that? Can you just, your coworker, you just get to be like,

not my fucking problem. Everyone was like that. But you're working for the club, you're not working for him at that point, right? But it was a weird time where like people's success, like, like, I'm hesitant to even say it because I like her so much, but Janine was like that.

Like, like, there were so many people back then where I think by you not knowing who they were and them being like legit celebrities, legit, or on the top. And by the way, no one who's gonna believe them, there's, or on the top. No one who's gonna believe them, there's no Twitter at the time. Yeah.

If you snitch, you know, it doesn't get anywhere. No one's not getting anywhere, and I remember everyone was, I mean, I once again, I liked Janine, and I'm a big fan of hers, but she refused to shake my hand, like when she got on stage, she went like, I was like, and I was like, that's tough.

Okay. Also, if you're going to do that fine, just give me a heads up before. Yeah. I mean, it was, I, there were very few, like, what's his name? Rick over to go back to Rick over to. This is making me feel like I should just really quick just as you're telling the story, keep this in your mind. I for some reason have decided, had this epiphany that was like, oh my God,

I don't, I don't really want to make movies, like write them and then make that, you know, because it's just like such a nightmare. Like I'm doing some, but to take one on, you know, I'm just like, oh, no, no, yeah, yeah, yeah. So two minutes' amount of work, now if I'm writing it and, you know, in and the whole thing. But how good is this idea of like six comics

that were big and sort of hit a little bit of a decline, hit hard times. And so each one of them separately takes a gig. They're like 30 grand. They're just doing a comedy cruise. And they all are just doing it for like a money gig. It's like a mincea. It's a dice. And they all show up and there's like six of them and no one knew anyone else. It was like, they thought there was this kind of undercover gig and it's like six comics

that have all this beef that have to be on comedy crews for seven days. And they are actually doing stand up. We're actually seeing them, but they're seeing them work out their shit of like 20 years ago. You didn't fucking shake my hand. You know? Yeah. And this is where my brain goes, right? Like, so like, yeah.

And then you find out that the guy that's, you know, the guy running the room on the cruise, the guy that's been interacting with all of them and been listening to him, he's actually a billionaire who loves comedy and he just wants to watch his heroes get back together. Oh, oh, totally. All right, we should end this.

This has been almost two hours now. Oh my gosh, I hope you're gonna kill us. Really, I feel like. You always kill it on a podcast. That's very nice. I feel like I'm working hard on just going with the flow of the fans. No.

You're, you're, you're, you're so fucking naturally interesting and funny. Congrats on your new special. Thank you. Congrats on your special and we always end with I love you. I love you. I love you. What is the thing Tom's doing really quick?

Did he shot himself? What? Oh, I can't talk about it. Oh, okay. Yeah. I just I'm I'm now trying to ask questions I have from the last two episodes for the fans that are wondering the same thing for anyone who's listening Tom accidentally shot himself in the leg out on Rogan's ranch So yeah, all right, and that's why you couldn't be here. All right, and by the way Also, I set it on podcast with Rubiglia. Please don't bring it up. Tom is also an amazing ventriloquist. Here's what we call, two bears one cave. No scripts to bet a booze amateur for topology.

Dirty jokes, ronchi humor, no apologies. Here's what we call, two bears one cave. you