2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 15 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: December 23, 2019

Bert Kreischer is burning his mouth on an Uncrustable while Tom Segura laughs. That’s how this episode of 2 Bears 1 Cave begins. The only way to follow that is with a history lesson. Plus, we find out about Tom’s parenting misstep and about what a miracle Bert’s kids are alive and haven’t been taken away. There’s a quick call from Joey Diaz and the Bears reminisce about Bert’s old sex show.

Start, start, start, start, start, start the show Start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the show, start the a perfect way to start off. They show. 12 years in the making. It's gonna be a fucking shit show. I'm gonna put it in every way. It's gonna up in maybe a head. A hundred percent. A hundred percent. A hundred percent. You alright?

It's pouring my mouth so often. It's ridiculous. Yeah, this is from an, an incestible. I had an incestible. I put the microwave and it's molten lava How long you how long you warm it up for in a minute and 30 seconds? you That's a really why didn't why wouldn't you do like 15 seconds?

Why is it that you're What's hot for your fingers isn't hot to your tongue sometimes. I go be able to burn your fingers and you're putting your mouth out like that's okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know, I think there's a scientific study about that. How's that? I could watch this for a long time.

I'm not. I'm not. The jelly is so hot. The jelly is like, it's like napalm. Yeah, it's so fucking hot. A minute 30. Yeah.

The peanut butter is still cold. Is that what you consider like heating something up? Like you don't, you don't try like 10 seconds seconds twenty seconds. We're frozen. That was frozen. Yeah And so the peanut butter is still kind of cool kind of cool that jelly is love Like legit how many you think you could eat at once dude. I can eat these all fucking day Remember we were supposed to do the donut hole eating contest. I never stood that I don't I do by the way I have hard work. No, it came from it came really hard work I'm really upset in the donut game in LA compared to the donut game anywhere else LA has famous donuts

No, they don't LA's donut suck. They have one Prevayer that gives the jelly the jelly is and the glaze are all sold by the same people the dough is sold by the same people There's one it's a monopoly on donuts. I'd almost guarantee that. Because you go to any donut store, they all have the same jelly on their donuts. And why wouldn't they? My friend Sean says that side card donuts are amazing.

Those are here in LA somewhere. I've never heard of side card. He said it's amazing. And then I brought Blinky. He's a thought you'd like Blinky. I like Blinky. Blinky's is different than ever else. Except the lady posted something political

on fucking Facebook The lady who owns it and what happened? It was about my daughter's school. Oh, and it was like it was basically talking about privilege. Let's see how hot this is Yeah, yeah, yeah, go for it. Just go for it. Just go for it. Go for it Perfect, okay So now I've always boycotting blankies. Oh really? Not me. Wait, she was like that people from that school are

obnoxious. I don't know if some kids Wanted free something or refills or something and she was like no you, you privilege little white kids, whatever. And so do the sandwich shop right by Beltingeys? This is out of this fucking world. Yeah. There's nothing better than Italian subs. Yeah. Bro, I know.

They're fucking, as a people, they're grease balls. They're fucking Maffioso, they're fucking animals, they're dumb, they're lazy, but they make these sandwiches. I love Italian stuff, so the best. It's funny to think the Christopher Columbus was just Sebastian. You think he got to America? Do you think resume? What's going on here?

What's up with these people? And the posing arrows, the guy's gonna pose. I think... Oh man. You imagine this... Like, landing and just being like from... He's a Italian sent by the Spaniards. Right?

They funded the trip and... What? Yeah. And the Spaniards funded it. He was Italian. Yeah. Yeah. So he was he'd been he was like, you think Italy and Spain were like Jersey and New York at that time. He's like, where are you from? New York, both I mean, Hoboken, but you know, right. I think, no, I mean, this, I

mean, I'm sure I'm getting some of the details wrong. But you know, he considered like somewhat of a failure. He'd pitch this expedition numerous times that got turned down by I think Portugal and ended up pitching the expedition to the Spanish. And I think it initially turned down left and somebody went that was like, actually go send for him bring him back they fund the expedition and you know what a weird pitch like I pitched badge TV shows yeah I'm just pitching like I'm gonna go on a trip yeah you're gonna pay for it yeah if I find something I'll give it to you yeah I know it's really

it's really it's really weird man but yeah he he he's the greatest who do you think would be a better president who do you think would be a better president? Who do you think would be a better dictator? And who do you think would be a better king? Between me and you. Between, oh. I'd be a horrific dictator. I'd be a great president, a king.

I was gonna say, I don't think you'd be, I'd see you more like, being, I think king is like what you're made for. I do. I was destined to be an heir. Yeah. Like to inherit a throne or something. That's another movie pitched by the way. Like having the old King be like 90 and then everyone's like, what are we gonna do though?

This fucking guy's gonna take over? And like having you just like dicking around, drunk at all the- I think it's called King Ralph with talking to him. Oh is that what it is? Okay. Dude, I've pitched, I've pitched movies in a room, and the guy goes, I'm sorry, did you pitch me Jerry Doody by Paulie Shore?

I think I just did. And your whole meeting was set up just to pitch it? I pitched. I sold two movies in a room one time. Really? Mm-hmm. I saw two movies. I can't tell you the pitch because I'd still do that as a movie.

It was a good pitch. Wait, so you went to pitch one and you ended up telling to? I ended up pitching. I ended up pitching one and we kind of like the guy bought it. I was like, I like it. I think we do it I think we do it. What do you think? And I say I think it's great I go can I tell you the idea that I think is really great and he goes you're gonna save this for the end of the meeting I go I just came up with it this weekend

He was like okay And I told it to him and he went Oh He goes I want that one And he's like I'll do both of them and I, okay. And then we ended up going somewhere else. You ended up going somewhere, you ended up pitching it elsewhere? No, I was somewhere else.

I go somewhere else and I pitched, yeah. We ended up doing it with who we're doing the movie with. Oh, yeah. It's that idea. It's not that idea. That was something else. Yeah, I sold that one. It's interesting what sells a movie is that you think

it's gonna be Like a well thought out plan and then you get there and you're like, oh, it's just one thing All this is one scene that someone gets like when we were talking about our movie Yeah, talking about that one scene and then we're both laughing or like I just want to shoot that scene just shoot the scene I think that I would I would love to I know I would I would love to be a movie producer Get out of comedy just be a get the divorce Get you become a movie producer live in Malibu. What do you see? I okay? What's the next girl like like you I've talked by the way I saw your thing for what you gonna call it You have no idea how often I've talked about my second wife. Oh, right? I've called me and my first wife

Yeah, yeah, I've always called her my first wife. I was like this is my first wife. Leanne like you're divorced I was like, this is my first wife, Leanne, I'm like, you're divorced. So I was like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you express how you feel? Yeah, fucking exhausting me today. Yeah Yeah, we see In all right, Christina. Christina asked me she goes if you weren't happy Would you tell me and I was like no? Cool, and she was like she goes you wouldn I go, no, I would just bury it. Nope. Just kind of grind it out. And she was like, you wouldn't say that like I'm not having

it. You was like, no. And she was like, no, I believe you. I was like, yeah, I would just kind of. I had the best sex with Leigh Ann the other morning. Really? Yeah. I like morning sex. Dude, it was, it was in Cleveland right before the special. Geez. Look, you have my mind all shit. Yeah. And then morning sex. Dude, it was in Cleveland right before the special. Geez, look at you. You have my mind all shit. Yeah.

And then you're ready for this? Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes if I go down on the end, sometimes I'm like, I want to wrap this up so we can go to the next thing. Right? Sometimes I go down and I say, I'm going to be an artist. I was one of those days and I said to myself, Tom, this is how fucked up my brain is.

I said I have two shows tonight, okay? I need to give her two orgasms so that those will be representative of how I perform in both my shows. So the first show, Tom, I took my time with it and made sure that I got all the material down, made sure it was clean and tight and I closed strong, right? And then I was like, I got a second show. She's still there. I'm still down. I go, I got one more show.

This show is going to be a fucking home run within 15 seconds. And I was like, and then in my OCD brain, I was like, I'm going to have good sets tonight. Yeah, you know it, it's fucking crazy. That's great. Yeah. Yeah, I'd go into even bigger detail, but Liam would be the living. Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, squirt, squirt, squirt. Anyway. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Do you think my kids will watch all of these one day go? Who the fuck was my dad? Yes. Yes. You haven't gotten to that part. Your kids aren't humans yet. They don't know you. Right. No, no, no.

I'm just like dad-dah. And it's all hugs and kisses. And I want to play. And yeah, there's just... What do you think they're going to do when they start seeing when they start seeing tried out guy? And I imagine there's going to be a part where I have to like, really explain like, there's public dad and dad at home

and they're gonna be like, what the fuck do you, what's wrong with you? Why do you watch these things? Why would you make somebody watch this? And I'll be like, to upset them, you know. You know, why do you like this? Yeah, what's wrong with Garth Brooks? Do you think they're going to get your sense of humor such a thumbprint sense of humor like not every I have to explain

it to people sometimes ago. Yeah, what Tom finds funny. I did to explain to Georgia. Why would he stab you? And I go, well, what time Tom finds funny is what Tom finds funny and oddly enough, his fans have the same sense of humor he does and that is why they connect so well that's why he has such a loyal fan base and she was like it's not funny he just murdered you and I went yeah well that's Tom's sense of humor dude I played I played headberg for the girls last night in the car and for the first time right yeah ila doubled over fucking I would have guessed that. Crying laughing. Like, Georgia.

Georgia's like, he's just high. And I went, yeah, she goes, so we're listening to a stupid person who's high. And I was like, well, she goes, I don't get it. Do they laugh at your comedy? I forget what we talked about this. I don't think so. Didn't use to it like.

Georgia's the only one that's seen it. And Georgia just was like, she was blown away that my shirt was off. She was like, you take your shirt off and I was like, I've heard this before. So again, that's your thing, like your shirtless and I was like, yeah, it's like, why? And I was like, I don't know, George. It's like, why do you do it?

And I was like, I don't know, Georgia. I already have played out. I mean, I know it won't be what you meant, but I imagine like Ellis being like, what's up with mean, I know it won't be what you meant, but I'll I imagine like Ellis being like what's up with you, you know like because I don't he has like a more judgmental sarcastic way about him already where I think he's gonna be like who's the more spirited of the two? Oh, I mean Ellis is what kind of wild yeah Yeah, yeah, like he's jumping off a shit. He's more expressive, more animated. Julien's really sweet, like really sweet. And I feel like he'll be like, I'm just proud of you,

dad. And that else will be like, you're kind of a fucking idiot, you know, so I'll be like, cool, man. Yeah. Yeah, it's interesting. I went to go get coffee with George at a day. And it's just, it's interesting to be around a human being who's like a 15 years old and interacting with people and having a conversation with a stranger and you're just sitting there like, god damn it. She's off, like, I was such a snitch. I like goes, we go to Cleveland, she goes,

big boy, I gotta talk to you alone. So I go into the room with her and she goes George's got a boyfriend. I go what she goes did you didn't hear it for me? I said what do you mean she goes we got to get her snapchat. I was like what she goes his name's Harold dad Who dates a guy named Harold And I hear Harold I go what is he like 40 like oh? And I hear Harold, what is he? Like 40? Like, oh, this is fucking guy. But Ila's just doing recon. She's, she's screen grabbing, like George will be on a Snapchat and Ila will take a picture of it and they show it to me.

Ila's the fucking best. Do you feel like, is it super weird to finally get to that place where your kids are dating? Like they're gonna be, or one is, and one's gonna be dating? Yeah, I don't think Georgia is yet. I think she's flirting with this boy, I guess. It's bizarre, it's bizarre because you, I remember dads being dicks and being like,

why aren't they cool? Like they should be cool. Every time you've ever met a dad, all growing up, dads were always cool. And then one day, you go to pick up their daughter and their assholes and you're like what the fuck? Yeah, it's just and you don't realize They know what you want. Yeah, cuz they wanted it exactly. It's now happening to them right?

Yeah, I would not I will not be you'll be cool dad or no no No, no, no, no because I know because it'll go back to whatever the fucking wrong with my brain where I go It's gonna be worse is like the the guy who's gonna be like, oh it's perc... He's a funny guy. I'm gonna be funny when I meet him. You're gonna have that, or he'll be like, hey! Hey man smell my finger! It's totally trying to make jokes to you. I will not. I probably would be dead by then, but I'm... I don't know. I hope I'm not. I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to deal with boys at all

Yeah, I think I was gonna be gay hopefully hopefully I would love that I would love her just to be I can't imagine her with a boy I can't imagine her having a crush on a boy. She's such a tomboy and she gives two fucks about anything such a tomboy and she gives two fucks about anything status. She wants to be around the weirdos. Right. The like the the bizarre kids that are laughing in the back of the car and you don't know what they're laughing at and you're watching her in turn here. I almost part your Georgia today. Alright. I yeah, I almost did. She was like, what are you doing? I was like, I'm going out to a podcast. She was, can I come and if we had done one episode, I would have said, yeah. Oh, really? Yeah, I would have definitely said yes, but if we were doing two, so I was like, I'm going out to a podcast. She was, can I come? And if we had done one episode, I would have said, yeah. Oh, really? Yeah, I would have definitely said yes,

but we were doing two, so I was like, I don't wanna bring her out. You should be sitting there for two hours being like, all right, I'm ready to fire wrap it up. I think, you ready for this? I think Ila, my goal. If I could, if I could Earl Woods this, I want Ila to be on SNL.

Yeah? I want, she's really funny. She does, like, she's really funny when she does characters of us. Does she have like acting aspirations? Oh, she wants to? I said the fucking shittiest thing to her the other day. What'd you say?

You don't have talent on the talented one. Is that like that? Nothing without me. You may write the words that I say on stage, but I perform them. She, uh, she was asking me about an actor. Oh, fucking, I'm not gonna fucking. And I was like, he's a fucking idiot, Aila.

She was what? He's a fucking idiot. I go, all he is, Aila, to be honest with you, the reason we don't want to hear him speak is because he doesn't have his own thoughts. He just says other people's words. He's an actor. He's not, I said there's a bit of someone you know that you're saying it about? Kind of. And, and, and he's a famous actor and I was saying he's an idiot. I said most actors are imbeciles.

They're most, they're people that just are pretty, that are just good at saying things. They're not real people and they don't have real big thoughts. And you should never listen to a fucking actor about anything because quite honestly and in the middle of saying this, I realized Isla is passionate about acting and she has been in acting classes. She's been in plays. And I am telling her that what she is doing is for it is yeah. And then I have to freeze. I got you got to apologize. I got I. You got it. I got to apologize. I got it. I think the reason I'm saying this, because I'm not a successful actor.

I go, if you'd given me an opportunity to act as a kid and I was good at it, then I definitely wouldn't be saying this, but I did one pilot and I was okay, and I never really could book anything, so I'm not good at auditioning. And I don't even know if I can act, to be honest with you, Aula. I go, I'd be out being dead serious. I don't know if I can act. Now I'm you. I like I'd be out being dead serious I don't know if I can act now. I'm like

Spiraling like I'm in therapy to my child and the poor kids just looking at me like what the fuck? But I Went off on this one actor who had said something stupid and I was just like yeah You don't fucking this my Mario Lopez shouldn't do any other thing other than read prompt her So you don't want to hear his thoughts on transgender children because it's Mario Lopez. There's no different than Screech. Yeah, they're the same birth. They did the same thing. So hey, just read the fucking copy pal. Yeah, yeah, like for the most of them like he's a zippet. Yeah, but but uh, but yeah, I was a horrible parenting move and then we got to that's just life though. That's just parenting

I mean, you know, I mean like you didn't do it. I like that moment can be Replicated. I feel terrible for what I did. We you didn't do it. Like that moment can be replicated. I feel terrible for what I did. Wait, what did you do? My kids were way younger. I was, I know, I felt badly because he had just, he had just been, just dropped diapers. She was wearing underwear, right?

And we were out in a store and I was like, well, let's go, let's go potty. And he was like, I don't wanna go in there. And I was like, why? He's like, it's too loud. Cause he'd heard loud flushing. And I just was like, you have to do it. And he was like, he was like, no, let's go home.

I was like, absolutely not. You're not getting in my porch. Yeah, and taking the shit in the back seat But I go we're gonna stay here until you This could be a bad parenting episode. Yeah, I'm thinking of all the fucking time But I I was also like thinking that I was doing the right thing. I was thinking like you shouldn't give in To like 100% you know, so I was like, I was like, I'll crack your foot. I go, I was like, let's just, I go, let's just stay,

I'll just stay until you, so then I had like a, my favorite is you walk over to some fucking dummy, this chick working at the store, I go, will you come over and just tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, I go, will you tell him you turn the noise off in the bathroom and he thinks it's too loud in there. And she goes,

You tell them the static voices in there. Yeah. And she goes, do you want me to tell him that? And I go, I just asked you. He told me. And she goes, what do I tell him? I go, he's crazy. He, he, tell him that comes over, she's like, the noise is off. You're like, sell it more, bitch.

I'm like, Jesus, you're not a fucking actor. Get out of here. So I started her with, anyways, eventually, like, he gets really upset in the store. And we find, I'm finding like, all right, let's just go. We do, we do leave, right? Because we're like, I'm not going to be a good guy. I'm not going to be a good guy. I started her way. Anyways, eventually, he gets really upset in the store, and I'm finding like, all right, let's just go. We do, we do leave, right?

Cause he's just, he's just won't do it. So we get in the car, we go back, but later that day, I apologize to him, but I'm apologizing to like, a kid who's almost four. I mean, he understands, but like, he doesn't understand the levels of the nuance of this stuff, but I was like, man, I was like, I'm really sorry about today.

He was like, yeah. He was like, yeah, he was like, yeah, I go, you know, I shouldn't have insisted that you go there, okay? So I'm sorry that I made you, he was like, okay. And I go, okay, I was like, so you understand I'm sorry? He's like, he's put it, he's like, it's all right. Sorry, I was like, okay, thanks thanks man I felt terrible dude I Leanne had potty trained both girls were potty trained Georgia and I love I though I think I love his potty

trained very young I think she was potty trained her like maybe I want to say I can't be 13 months maybe like 18 be like 18 months. I forgot, whenever Aala was potty trained very, very quickly, Georgia was not. Georgia took forever to potty train. She potty trained both girls and left for the weekend. I remember by the way, when you were potty training, because I would go to your apartment. And like shit on the treadmill.

I remember Aala's shitting on the rooftop thing. Just like as she's looking at me, and then I see like the fucking mud pile. I'm trying to kill him. I'm trying to kill him. I'm trying to kill him. I'm trying to kill him. I'm trying to kill him. I'm trying to kill him. I'm trying to kill him. I'm trying to kill him. I'm trying to kill him. I'm trying to kill him. I'm trying to kill him.

I'm trying to kill him. I'm trying to kill him. I'm trying to kill him. I'm trying to kill him. I'm trying to kill him. I'm trying to kill him. I'm trying to kill him. I'm trying to kill him.

I'm trying to kill him. I'm trying to kill him. I'm trying to kill him. I'm trying to kill him. I'm trying to kill him. I'm trying to kill him. I'm trying to kill him. I'm trying to kill him. I'm trying to kill him. I'm trying to kill him. Really I don't wedding it's she's like I can't do it. It's going back up We're laughing so hard so Leanne goes out of town for a girls weekend with a bunch of girls And I got them back in diapers

Leanne came home and they're both wearing diapers again, and she went wait what the fuck and I was like Oh, we had so many accidents. We just thought it'd be a easier to keep on diapers Leanne's like you don't know what you just did to them. Like, we taught them to, she's like, I taught them to, she's in a toilet and you just taught them that you shouldn't shit. Like, you realize how confusing this is and I was like, it's not that bad. She was like, it's really fucking bad.

And I was like, nah, it's not that bad. And then I just went on the road. I was like, deal with it. I remember one time, Ila reached in the, this is like, take your kid away from you moments Yeah, you know in our oven, you know There's a top oven and a bottom oven and I had the oven on and there was like a little like a little space right here

And Ila just reached her hand in there and burnt her fingers and it was bad like it was it was a five four degrees Yeah, she was stuck it randomly like the nothing was open. This one's closed. This one's closed. She goes stuck her fingers in between the wedge. And it burned her fingers really bad. And I called, I called her a doctor, like a pediatrician or whatever. Our pediatrician wasn't around.

They put us on another pediatrician. And I said, what happened? And he said to me, be very careful what you're saying, because this is grounds to take your child away from you. And I went, what? What? And I just hung up. I was like, I was like, I don't know what you're talking.

I was like, I couldn't stop. I don't know, like, what are you talking about? Like, I think I might have mispoked to what he thought. You probably were like, I stuck my kids hand in the oven and now they're burnt. And he's like, what? Dude, we, we George a broker arm when she was 13 week, 13 months old, 13 months old. She broke arm trying to stand up, right?

She fell and broke her arm and it, and they had to put her in a cast. We went to the doctor. There's nothing better than someone outtrumping you with bad parenting. Yeah. We went to the doctor and he goes, uh, he goes, I go, I feel horrible. I go, I feel really horrible. She broke her arm and he was like, he was like, I don I feel horrible. I go, I feel really horrible. She broke her arm and he was like, he was like, I don't feel bad.

And I said, no, I do. Because it was on my watch. Like I was with her trying to help her stand up on the Ottoman and that's when she fell. And he goes, no, no, no, no, these things happened. He goes, two weeks ago, my kid fell out of the, was standing in the shopping cart and fell and hit his head and cracked his skull open.

They had to put him in ICU. So they should have it. And I was like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah I'm gonna tell you about parent. I know what I'm gonna say, and I'm ready for the look on your face when I say it. Like, I, this is the beauty of comedy. I know what words are gonna come out of my mouth. I'm gonna tell you who this is. I'm gonna write down who it is, so you know who this is.

And where is it? Where do you, where do you, I'm doing a comedy club. Oh, you're at a club, okay, okay. Okay. Remember that guy? Yes. Okay. Remember that guy? Yes. Okay.

I know what I'm about to say to you. And I know that you're gonna go, what? He goes, there's a lot of things people don't tell you about parenting, especially dads. A lot of people keep dads in the dark. Like first time you hang out and hold your kid by yourself, your dick's gonna getting hard! I wanted to get hard! He's not!

He's not! Ugh! Ugh! I thought someone dropped me! And I thought he told me! My dick got hard when I held my kids! Ha! Ha!

Ha! Ha! I said my dick's holding his heart when I was other people hold their kiss. Oh. Oh. That life that he said it matter a factly like one of the things they don't tell you oh fucking first bond those like why is it my dick getting hard I'm so dead I'm so dead I'm too young to go my dick's not getting hard

am I gonna say wrong you're gonna sweat the fuck oh god oh I was at the table of women one time on a cruise Oh I was at the table of women one time on a cruise. Why isn't my deck hard? I'm holding my kid. I love it I'm rocking it. What's going on rubbing my kid on my dick? It's not Oh Maybe I'll change Just what happens man, if you're dad oh my god, are you saying you're a cruise? Do you say you're not Cruz? Did you say you're not Cruz? I was not a Cruz. I have, I have, sometimes I'll feel like

because things happen to me and happens to everyone. Yeah. I was not a Cruz with a bunch of women. I was on Cowlitz Cruz and a bunch of girls that I had known from Florida State. We're all parents now, like in our 30s. And I see them and I have known these girls my whole life. And so I feel like we can all connect.

I don't forget that they live in Tampa. They probably don't share things the way And so they're talking about having sex after having a kid I go yeah, man. We're just watching my wife's tits week all over me and fucking end up sucking in breast milk I have fucking my wife and you clearly these girls are from Tampa. They don't share that things and they're like what I don't know You're talking about I go when you when you have sex you're breastly Milk right and they're like no, and I went no, yeah, they do yeah You can almost squirt them on your feet and they're like And I'm just like looking and everyone's like you that might just be your wife

And I went hold on no one's tits leak milk and they're like no, and tits, leak milk. And they're like, no. And I went, were you guys breastfeeding? And they're like, yeah, we all breastfeed, but no, like, oh my God, you know what fucking liars? Do you know what bit I didn't put in a special that I'm gonna definitely work on? Fuck. I told you by the time I accidentally breastfed Georgia. Can't remember. I mean, if I'm going to do it as a bit, it's a little longer, but the truth is watching

Tough Groud one morning, having coffee, and I just thought, I wonder what it feels like when they latch a hunt, right? So I just offer the tip to her. I didn't think, in my head, I just like, and it's natural for her. She was like, oh, come, yeah. And dude, it hurts so bad. It's like she's sucking the stomach out of you. Yeah.

And I didn't know how to get, I didn't know there's a way to take a face off a tit. You can't just pull it. It doesn't work that way. You have to pop the suction. And I didn't know how to do that. So you pulled back. No, I had to, I'd stop two dogs from fucking one with my two.

Take a slow little breath. I told that the nickname of Voro and he goes, please tell me that's in your hour. And I was like, no. And then some girl goes, please don't ever share that with anybody. I was a horrible parent, dude, dropping them. What? I like, we, I like, I like fell down our stairs in that apartment so many times.

How? Every fucking time. Every, she could climb the bottom fence, but couldn't climb the top one, and would fall from the top one down to the bottom So many times. I mean to a point where I we was to say a joke I love is like she has a life insurance policy on herself is she's trying to collect the money She was that kid was the fact that she's alive. I'm shocked. Yeah, that kid really rolled the dice on so many I remember one time. I have this picture

I don't know where it is So we to put things in perspective we lived on the fourth floor and there was a I would say chest high wall around the fourth floor right on On the deck on the deck. It was like a chest high was like like a three-foot wall You're talking about the outside on the outside. Yeah, yeah, there was like a chest high was like, like a three foot wall. You're talking about on the outside. On the outside. Yeah. Yeah. Like three chest high for me. Um, the kids couldn't get up there, but, but on one side of the deck, we had a house, like a playhouse, like a plastic house that was probably, uh, if the wall was three feet, the house crested at like four feet. So it was just a foot over the wall. One time, I'm watching Ila by herself,

Leanne's at work, George's at school. Ila is maybe three. And I go, Ila, where are you? Over here, daddy. I mean, the worst she could never speak at all. Yeah. And it sounds faint. I walk out.

Tom, I have this picture. I have this picture. She is standing on the top of the roof's house, like Fiddler on the roof, overlooking Hollywood with her hands on her hips, just staring out over Hollywood, looking, I mean, standing a foot above where the wall is, just standing on the edge of the house, just looking out. I go, I love it. She goes, yeah, I go, what are you doing? She goes, it's beautiful, daddy. And I was like, I was like, what the fuck? And then I go, baby, you can't do

this. She goes, I do it all the time. I was like, you do it all the time. She goes, oh, I love you on the roof and look out. The fuck that kid was such, like, I mean, I look back and I go I can't believe She made it Do you remember? Two times ago you're telling me how I think it was when I showed you the dance video you're like oh, you know I when I started saying you look like Gerard de Par du Yeah, do you know who you are a dead ringer for?

Personality wise and everything where I was like that's who you are I don't know the hard butler no Diego Armando Maradona Are you talking about the soccer player? Yeah Maradona. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I look exactly like him bro Shut the fuck up. Come on, personality. You are his personality, 100%. Yeah, you know, Maradona. Yeah, that's you, man.

Have you seen his new series? No. It's on Netflix. Is it really? Yeah. Oh, I will download that right now. It's called Maradona in Mexico. You remind me so much of him.

He's like outgoing, big, boy-stress personality has some substance issues. He, he's a great athlete. Are we gonna do Coke on this podcast together? You really want to? I think we should. Like to start the new year maybe? Yeah, do you, I mean, I think it would be

a, could we couldn't get in trouble right? A good 2020 resolution. You don't think we'd. Like to start the new year maybe? Yeah, I mean, I think it would be a, could we couldn't get in trouble right? A good 2020 resolution? You don't think we'd get, whoa, Wilco frontman Jeff Tweedie's home shot up in Chicago. What? What the fuck? A shooter open fire on Wilco's Chicago home, spraying it with bullets.

Wow, he's 52. How are you now? 47. I'm starting to get depressed about age. How are you now? 47. I'm starting to get depressed about age. Who are you thinking about it? Yeah, I'm gonna go 30 more years of, I'll be 77. I'm gonna see 77.

What's the C-A-B? How long do you think you would be able to tour the way you tour now? Realistically, don't you think it would have like a shelf life? Like if you're being honest. Enjoyable. I'll tell you what, I've always put all my eggs in in touring.

I've always put all my eggs in that basket. Touring and podcasting, and I remember we're saying, simplify my life and that's all I wanna do, podcast tour, podcast tour, podcast tour, that's it. promo video here, promo video there, podcast tour, that's it. Promo video here, promo video there, podcast tour, that's it. I just now have started to see, like I never understood,

do you remember when you did that Mark Wahlberg movie and I kept going, why? I was like, you, not to like tell everyone your money, but what you made on that movie for one month is what you would have made in one night. And I was like, I would never, I didn't make sense to me. Now I understand why you did that movie. Now I understand why you do stuff like that. Like, yeah, I never understood that.

So I wouldn't mind, I wouldn't mind leveraging the success I've had on the road into some other vein of Hollywood where I could do something creative at home and spend more time with the girls. But you are doing that. Joey DS, we gotta take this, right? of Hollywood where I could do something creative at home and spend more time with the girls. But you are doing that. Joey Diaz.

Oh, we gotta take this, right? Joey, I'm doing a podcast with Tommy. What's up? Talk to me, cop, sucker. I think no. I went great. I went great. Thank God I did four shows. I had a great... Better than the last time. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, we definitely got way more coverage.

I had three fucking home run shows and I had one show... I had a great... I had a great... I had a great... I had a great... I had a great... I had a great... I had a great... I had a great... I had a great... I had a great... I had a great...

I had a great... I had a great... I had a great... I had a great... I had a great... I had a great... I had a great... I had a great...

I had a great... I had a great... I had a great... I had a great... I had a great... I had a great... I had a great... I had a great... I had a great... When you get home, there's two sun. I got some other bullshit. Hey my dad's in town. He's let's let's party Perfect perfect save some for me. That's my fucking doses. Hey, that's save a 10 for me Yep, I'll see you then We're going to a show in Miami after my show. Oh for real. Yeah, you're in Miami this weekend Joey

Yeah, god damn. All right. I'm gonna go to a show. All right. I'll call you when I get done Love you to bye What were we just saying before that? You look like Maradona you sound like a sweetie's house got shot up 52 how long do you do this leveraging Hollywood? Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what I'm saying No, I said you are doing that you're you're doing yeah, I'm doing a show doing a series You can announce it's probably announced right no, they want to wait to announce it on like they want to do up an announcement, okay, but they never end up now announcing those things, but uh, but I'm saying you are doing that

Yeah, be a series and then and, and then, I would really, really honestly, honestly, I'm not even joking, the movie we're talking about, that would be, I would fucking put all my eggs in that basket right now. That would be super fun to do. I think, not to sound sappy, but like, I don't, when I fell off that waterfall in North Carolina, doing travel channel, the message I got the most was, hey man, we don't watch that shit. We just listen to your podcast and watch you do stand up.

Don't hurt yourself for something no one does. No one watches. I mean, Bill and Joe told me that. They're like, no one watches that show, bro. Like, I know it's good money. I know you gotta do it, but like, no one's liking your trip flip show. And so.

You're like, thanks. That's what I do. Yeah, I was like, I'll hold my hands wearing that basket right now. But... Did you, did Leanne think it was crazy when you're like, I think I'm gonna not do trip flip or anything?

Did she think you were crazy? Like to give that up? No. No. No, my dad had a... I had a motto that my dad instilled in me. It was eat shit cash checks. And that was like, what he said his whole life to me.

Eat shit cash checks. You're lucky to be where you are. You're not that talented. Eat shit cash checks. And I remember I'd say thing. Next dad. He's like, he's like, I don't get what your business is. All that, you know, is that no one gets these opportunities.

Eat shit cash checks. And so I did that. And then one time we're in Clearwater right at the beach. We're having a cigar and a glass of wine. And I said, he said, so what's going on with travel channel? And this is right when I got and done doing Berk the Conqueror. And I said, I don't know.

Well, hopefully I'll get picked up for another four years or another three years, get another deal, you know. And he said, is that what you want to do? And I said, well, no. Obviously, I would love to be doing bigger things, but each shit cast checks, right, Dad? And he started crying. And I went, each shit cast check, I say it wrong, like, and he goes,

he's like, no, he goes, I fucked you up. He's like, I fucked you up. I should have told you to believe in yourself. He's like, you're too talented. He's like, if you don't take a shot now at what you want in this business, you'll never get that opportunity again. He's like, don're too talented. He's like, if you don't take a shot now at what you want in this business, you'll never get that opportunity again. He's like, don't do travel channel.

And then Leanne's like, you need to get the fuck away from travel channel. After I fell off the waterfall, and I was having panic attacks, like crazy, I ruptured my testicles. Like all these things were happening in Leanne. I was like, this is not conducive to a happy fucking life. And then I was bloated, I was huge,

I was just drinking like crazy because I was trying to deal with anxiety on the show. And so, yeah, but then after I fall off the waterfall, my whole thing was like, okay, this is gonna sound stupid and maybe it doesn't sound very edgy or confident, but I was like, whatever services the people are liking what I do. So like anything that, so say I have, say I have, let's ballpark it at like 100,000 people that really like what I do, right? I was like everything I do has to

have to check that box for those 100,000 people like, ah yeah, yeah, yeah, like I'll take chances and get out of the box, but I want to make sure that what I'm doing services those people and now I believe I believe if me and you I believe when we did this I think that serviced a even larger number of people yeah where they were like, oh yeah yeah yeah yeah I think there's people that listen to probably watch this while guys that don't like me but I'm cool with that as long as like my original hundred thousand maybe it goes to two hundred thousand they like me, but I'm cool with that as long as like my original 100,000 maybe it goes to 200,000. They like what I do. I'm good. I think a movie, if me and you did a movie, it was serve that's all I care about it was service those people where they go, okay, I'm into that. And that same with t-shirts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When we say make the machine t-shirt. Yeah, it's like,

I think anyone anyone in on my team would be like, you know what, that, that's not, you have a machine, let's not go there, but I know that there are people that want that shirt in a good way that go, that's fucking, it was a funny fucking video. Yeah. So yeah, service those people. Yeah, we gotta make it up to what, six X, seven X.

Yeah. Oh. It's gotta be the one shirt that we order, the most outrageous sizes. Some fucking guy gave me a 6X. There was like a 4X, Torbus champ shirt. He made a Torbus champ shirt and he showed it to me and then he goes, here you go and then he unraveled it

and it's a 4X and I go, he goes, and I was like, I got it and I was like, I'll never wear this ever. I love wears it every fucking shirt. You ever have somebody give you a gift shirt and like someone you'd be on the road and they're like, figured you were like a medium or large and you're like, thanks. You're like, I can't wear that.

So I get the, so I sent an ex on a double exel. Did you, maybe you can give one to Tom, which one do you think you'd give to Tom? And I was like, I'll give him the double exel. I'm like, okay, okay, yeah, yeah, or flip flop it, whatever. Yeah, yeah, I would I would I'm cool with I was I was like so anti that part of Hollywood that I was like I just want to do what works now I'm cool with taking chances. Yeah, and also, you don't have to, I'll tell you what I like so much more about features than television is that the time commitment,

like a feature has a, once it's like green letting ready to go, it has a set schedule, right? And if you have a partner, like a bit part or even like a moderate part, then it's like they're like, oh, you're working like these eight days. You're like, great, I just have to make eight days

available in my life to be a part of this thing. And then I go back to what I was doing before. That's what I like about. There's like, there's light at the end of that. You know what it is. The thing about television that I'm always like, oh, it's like, you get involved in like a big television thing and they go like, oh, so January through June,

you'll be doing this and I'm like, oh, that kind of fucks up everything. November, December and January is my schedule. Yeah. And you're just like, wow, for good for me because I can make money and stay home. Yeah. Which I'm like, oh, I'd come cool with that.

Yeah. I would love, I would love, I gotta be dead on us with you. I mean, this is gonna sound silly. I'd love a multi-cam. Like it's very, yeah. We tried to do one last year. Yeah, what happened with that? We went through the whole process

and then we just didn't get selected, you know? The only thing I'm attached to is that one girl that you worked with going, so, Burk Chrysler, is he living in Florida still? Yeah. Yeah. I'm not, I've been living in Florida since I was a child. I know, she's like a top tier executive. She was like, did I see you? I'm not living in Florida as a child.

I know, she's like a top tier executive. She was like, was he a comedian? I was like, he still is. Did I tell you, did I ever tell you she, we're not saying her name thankfully. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's nice. I have, I have actually always liked her a lot. She was like, I remember him.

I like to a lot and I have good sidebar stories I can tell you off air than I think. I'll walk you a little bit. It does stand out though. It's the funny thing is this is a well-informed, high level executive. Probably I would argue one of the most important people on television.

Yeah, absolutely. But it just shows you with the way that the world has changed. We're like 20 years ago, you would just know the only medium is that somebody could be doing something in. Right. You'd be like, are they on a show? Are they in a movie? No. Okay. And that would be kind of it. And like the way it changed, like when she said that, you had already so much going on, I was like, Oh no, like he's, he's doing like a lot.

Like he's, he just had a big Netflix special come out. He's doing like crazy touring and to see her be like, Oh no, he's doing a lot. Like he just had a big Netflix special to come out. He's doing crazy touring and to see her be like, oh, that's good. I'm like, how do you not know this? But it just shows you, because it's the same thing like when I pick up my phone and I'm like, land on somebody's Twitter page that I've never heard of and I'm like, who is this?

And they have like 6.8 million followers. I'm like, my buck. I don't know who that is. He's with that girl. I've now said Hannah Stockings name on every podcast. Yeah, dude. Yeah. He's with her.

He was with her going to the thing game. He was doing this thing. It's funny. I catch over branding sometimes where I go, ugh. But he was doing it and it didn't rub me wrong. I got a kick out of it. Like, back time or whatever, back, whatever, back joy, whatever,

yeah, I don't know what he was saying, but he was doing it. His branding of like cameras up. Now it's back time. I think that's what he was saying. He does incredibly well. Dude, all of a sudden I'm like, who the fuck is this?

I've never heard of this guy in my life. And like, I go immediately, 6.8 million followers on Twitter or on Instagram. And then I start looking at his videos and they're good and then all of a sudden he's with Joe Koy and I'm like, wait, what the fuck? How does Joe know this guy? And now I'm like, get out of here.

Like, I was, but that is true. You find someone like that. Here's the story I want to tell you. So she calls me, I have a deal at their network when I'm younger I'm like my second deal my second year in the business second deal Six figures big deal She calls me and she goes hey, I'm having a Christmas party. Have I told you this? I'm having a Christmas party. I went yeah, she goes on one of you to come. I was like oh cool

I was like, stop definitely Hollywood man. This is works. Go rub, rub elbows with some of the elite. You know, he's one of the important people on television. He goes, cool. Um, I have my assistant just arrange it. Is that cool with you? And I went, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So your assistant calls me and is like, what size are you? I go, you know, XL, large XL. And he's like, okay, um, so what size of Santa suit do you think you'd be? I was like, what? And he's like, she wants you to play Santa at her Christmas party. So, you're gonna go get a costume and then you'll pick it up

and then just go over and I was like, hold on, what? And he's like, she'll give you a hundred bucks. And I was like, I'm not invited to this party. And he's like, you hear the lab? And he's like, you're invited to this party and he's like You hear the lab. He's like you thought you were invited to it. I was like now He's like he's like less moon vets is gonna be there. You're definitely not invited to this party She wants you to dress and come in for an hour to play Santa and let everyone sit on your lap Hey I Didn't you have a deal with her? I had a deal and a fucking six figure deal with her I was sitting a fucking pilot with her. Is she want to me to play Santa for a hundred bucks?

Did you call her? I Like fucking a kid I So wish you would have done it. so wish you would have done it. I wish you would have done it so badly. If you were like, uh, less moon vista on my lap. Oh, shit. Holy shit.

And then she's like, call. She's like, hey, are you gonna come? And I was like, can you hang out afterwards? I was like, no, so I'm like, I'm actually flying home to Tampa. She's like, oh, okay, all right. Well, that stinks. We would have loved to have had you. Shit, I wonder if Kevin James will do it. Lincoln McCall. Let me see him.

Kevin James is free. Oh, I'm working. He's a hundred bucks, right? Whoever her assistant at the time was like, I go, wait, I'm not invited to the party. He was like, you thought you were invited? He goes, this is her Christmas party, man. Less movements is gonna be there. And I was like, oh holy shit. I had so many fucking, dude, I gotta tell you my mattress story.

I've been whole, what is it? It's not even that good of a fucking story. We were talking about, you were doing the satvary, the other day, and I was thinking about, I did a show called The Wing Man, right? Greatest pitch ever in Hollywood. I'll tell you right now. If someone, I mean, I'm sure Barry Castles will sue you,

but because it was, I love, by the way, I'm not shitting on Barry. I hope that didn't come out negative for Barry, but I'm gonna tell you the story of how the pitch happened. Barry and Brian Volquice had come up with a show called Speed Dating or something. 24 hours of speed dating. So one guy from Minnesota would date 24 girls in one day, each girl one hour.

So he'd have 24 dates for one full day. Yeah, so by the end, he's like kind of like out of it. And he's like, huh, I don't know anyone's names and that was the fun Well, obviously it's such it's such a shit show to shoot no, no, they were gonna cheat it to shoot a sizzle and in the middle Louis Anderson was producing it me and Louis changed the idea and we said what because I was the host I was gonna be his his host So I would and somehow I would be involved in every date. I don't know how they're going to do it. And then very quickly, the first date we did was saddle ranch. We had already shot the show, right?

The first date we didn't shut was in saddle ranch. And I was there waiter and the girl didn't know I was the host of the show. And she was rude to me. And I was like, ugh. I was like, fuck her. So I was like, I told the guy. I was like, get the fuck away from her, she's fucking poison. And Louis comes up and he goes, Louis Anderson goes, that's the show. You're his wing man, and you are finding out who these girls really are. And you are setting him up to look like a stud,

but more importantly, finding out if they're any good. Right, and I went great. And so in the process of shooting the show, me and Louis kind of changed it a tad bit. So when we go to places, because they didn't really have the format totally thought out, when we go to places like a mattress store, I would pretend to be the mattress salesman, right? There's one of the dates.

There's a mattress store on Fairfax near Melrose, and I was pretending to be the mattress salesman, so they'd walk in on the date, and they'd be like, hey man, it reminds you, this is a reality show, right? It's in sex sells. So they come to a mattress store in unfair facts. And I meet the mattress people first, and I go, hey, just real quick, give me some verbiage I can use that helps.

I say, oh, yeah, well, this and this, get them on a mattress on a field couple mattresses and whatever. I was like, okay, so there goes, those guys hide in the back. And I greet them. I'm like, hey, how you guys doing? Like, great. You guys looking for a mattress? And then I actually were on a date. We just wanted to say, oh, let's test how some mattresses come on over here. Come on over here. Oh, here's one in the

corner. Why don't you guys take this one in the corner? I'll be over here. Tell me what you think. And the guy starts hooking up with her on the mattress, right? And it's fucking aggressive. I mean, it's like, I'm watching it on the monitor going like, I think he's fucking fingering her through her dread, like, got a hand up address and he's fing fingering her and she's playing with his dick and you know and they're just going out and they've been drinking late night right and I'm like oh my god I don't even realize what I'm saying I'm in the back where all the guys were I think he's gonna fuck all this back no no no that cannot happen we need to sell these mattresses I can't have someone

fucking on the mattress. And he, this guy's doing drugs according to us. Get your hands off her. Get your, this is all fucking scary. I mean, that's a work here. Get your fuck off my mattresses. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it I could see that scene. Oh, there's so many scenes in my life that I've shot that are so much funnier they didn't let it be funny. Yeah.

You know, like that scene, I would have left that in the fucking show. Of course. That's what I think. When you talk about brands, when we talk about brands, we're like networks. What's it, by the way, what's the other, I did buzz with you. And then what about your other show I did with you? You hosted a sex show for Comedy Central with like a cute little British girl.

Laila Kaylee, dude. She was, she is beautiful, but I mean, I can't say it was because she's still gorgeous. So this one of my favorite things was that I was a writer, right? There was a staff that actually has a, you had a pretty decent-sized writing staff on that. I remember that like you got me the gig because they were like all staff writers.

So like, oh, what shows have you done? And I was like, paused? Yeah. I was like, nothing. And they're like, you pull up play with Kaylee. The L-A, that's definitely not how you spell it. Yeah, I was like nothing and they're like you pull up play the the

L.A. That's definitely not how you spell he doesn't spell for shit It's Kaylee with an L.E.I. G.H. He None of those oh I think she changed her name she married Rich Kovino Richinkino Rich and Kovino Kovino and Rich no, they're from Jim Gafferkin texted me on her community app happy Thanksgiving. Let's see what Jim Gaffkin Jim Gaffer. Jim Gaffkin's funniest fuck. Oh, it's a someone with a cobra. Our number is 3 2 3 2 0 8 0 8 4 4 is my number Tom

Do you know your number if you want to text us? Yeah, it's so much fun By the way, we are gonna be doing a secret, a couple of secret pop-up shows this month, and we will only be releasing tickets to that number. A1-8275-5526. So if you get, if you're in the LA Southern California area, you get a text from us, it's obviously we're gonna do it at a club, we're just gonna east to like,

30, 45 minutes and then fuck around. And we're not gonna do it, we're not gonna announce it on Twitter or Instagram. Because if it doesn't sell out, we're cool with that. Yeah. What were you saying? So you get there, you get a staff writing job. Layla Kaylee is absolutely gorgeous.

She's gorgeous. And all the writers are like, they're like, I write for, I wrote for, you know, whatever late night show, if I can Kimmel and then, they've written on scripted shows and they're like, what did you write on? I was like, I just, I know, Bert. I'm really, okay. And I remember the head writer.

He was like, I had to submit some, they're like, you just submit some type of packet. He goes, I read your packet, he was interesting. I was like, that's the really not thinly veiled code for like, I didn't like it. Yeah. Cause I sent like sketches and stuff, and he was like,

yeah, definitely interesting. But I also would be in that room and I would be like, I'd be like, oh, Bert won't like that. And they're like, I think this is the bit. And I was like, he's gonna think this fucking gay for sure. And I go, I mean, it's not funny. And they're like, that's pretty funny. I'm like, okay. And then we'd get to like the set and you'd be like, I don't really, I mean, it's not funny. And they're like, that's pretty funny. I'm like, okay.

And then we'd get to like, the set, you'd be like, I don't really, I was like, yeah. Sorry. I would just be like, what on I talk to him? And like, I'll present the idea. So that became the thing. But we're taping the pilot. And on the pilot, the big, one of the guests is Terrell Owens.

And Lela. So the first time she's like, and about it on our guest is Terrell Owens, which is how a lot of people say it. And he goes, she's got to say my name right. So let her know that it's a it's Terrell. It's not Terrell. is Terrell, it's not Terrell. And everyone's like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So then like reset and does the whole, you know, on the prompter copy butter, we'd like to welcome our guest, Terrell Owens. I remember this. And now I'm back there and I'm like, I look at him like,

and he was like, nah, he goes, I'll tell you what, if she can't say my name right, on this time, I'm just gonna walk out of here. And I was like, okay. Something tells me he means it. Yeah. And I was like, I go, you gotta go tell her to fucking say, Terrell. Yeah.

Terrell and everybody's like, I thought it was Terrell. I'm like, we all thought it was Terrell. I just called him T.O. Yeah. I'm like we all thought it was to I just go up to yeah, like fucking just get it right and then I see them. They're like talking to her You know, they're like I remember her saying here his name over and over and over again trying to get it right and we go She go terrible terrible to her. Oh, Terrell Terrell Terrell Terrell Terrell Terrell like to her I was like Jesus Christ. This is like the last thing, and she kind of stumbles. And then like catches herself and she goes, Terrell, Terrell, Terrell. Oh, and then he goes out there, does the thing.

And then afterwards, there was a writer's assistant. Who works like for the staff. And her boyfriend is a PA, both on the show. And he's walking backstage and he goes, oh I'm gonna go ask, is it cool if I go ask Tarell for an autograph and I go, I wouldn't say it like that. And she goes, he goes, what do you mean? And I go, were you not just on set? And he was like, no, I go, dude. You can ask for your autograph, but just make sure you, you know, you get it right.

It's, it's, it's, it's tarot. He goes, it's not fucking tarot. And I go, and I look at her, and I'm like, is your boyfriend? And she's like, he go, I go, we just went through a whole thing. It's, it's, it's tarot. It's definitely tarot. And he goes, it's not tarot.

It's tarot. And I go, you know what? Go ask him for an autograph. So I just walk back in the room. Yeah, but he wasn't fucking around. He we did a field piece me and him and I put my hand around his back. And not even like just you know you like move. Yeah. Try to move someone to open him to camera. Yeah. In the field piece you can see me touch his back for the first time and I just went, my eyes are like, what the fuck is that? Yeah. He was like, like, dinosaur strong.

Like his back was so thick, so fucking, he was such a specimen. He was so, so I went to a really small college and one of our, one of the guys in my college went up and played for the 49ers and he came back, right? He was like, he was a couple years older and he came back on a break. And so everybody was like, you fucking play in the NFL. It's so crazy.

We're asking him stories and then we're like, so, you know, at the time too, like Tio is like one of the biggest stars in the NFL and we're like, so what's it like? With Tio, he was like, dude, he goes, the fucking workouts, he goes, he's like, it's like he's made in a laboratory. And he goes, and he ends up fucking naked in like half the workouts. And we're like, what? And he's like, yeah, like he'll just start taking clothes off

because like he's just so majestic. He starts to take, I would love to see that. Yeah, so he's like, he's like, we'll just be in workouts and you look over and then T.O. is like doing crunches in his underwear Do you realize there's very few there's very few websites I would pay money for you know like where they go Hey one-time fee

$50 These are pictures of the 10 biggest penises in the NFL attached to the players. Yeah. 50. I go, I pay for that. I definitely pay for that. I almost paid for pictures of Britney Spears naked last night. Oh, yeah.

Who's that? I don't know. It's just a one eight hundred. Can I ask you, because I don't know much about football, but what is going on? Like is Kaepernick getting fucked over by the NFL? You know, the fucking black. He's a, he, there's a, there There's a there's a there's a there's there's actually a lot to it if you were like really want to break it down. But basically

there's pretty much no question that he did get black bald. He did. not, it's not a confirmed thing where there's all the data and the conversation out there, but it just, it makes sense that that is what happened because he's been certainly qualified to be on a team. And like, you know, if you look at the full roster of all the teams and you go, here's like the top, top tier quarterbacks. And like there's, you know, let's say six or eight of them, and then there's like the mid tier, and then there's guys that like you can just rotate them out,

you know, and they're always like, the teams are like, this guy, I don't know, we got him, let's see what he can do. He fucking sucks. So he's definitely better than some of those guys on the on a roster, for sure, but he brings a lot with them, right? Like I'll bring a lot of conversation. So but the conversation ends up being like, so are you keeping this guy from playing because you don't want to deal with the fact that he's bringing this

up all the time, there's going to be all this media. And the answer is, yeah, of course, those teams are saying, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they get to say, well, because he's not, like, ah, he's out of football, he hasn't played, who knows, the guy's been like, apparently training six days a week for the last three years. He realized how fucking overweight I'd be if I had a Nike deal, and I was like,

yeah, the black ball on me, victim Victoria over here, I'd be a fucking and then I'd be like, I can play still of people like he doesn't look like he. And he's got, they said he's got a star deal. So he gets, he gets paid like an active NFL star. We mean, like the way that those apparel shoe companies kind of break down their endorsements is like, if you're like on the roster and Nike's like, you know, you're a fucking full back. Like you're not a name.

But like, yeah, we're, you're a Nike athlete. They send you apparel. They let you pick a certain amount per year. Maybe you get some check, but it's like, you know, you get to say you're a Nike athlete, you wear their stuff, but you're that. Then there's like a mid tier kind of thing above that, a larger deal. You know, and then the superstar, the star deals are like your name is on stuff, right? Like Tom Brady deal, like Aaron Ross, like the household names, they get basically,

it's like having another full salary, sometimes more. So like cap Nike pays cap like over 16 million a year to be a Nike athlete. So even without an NFL job, he's getting paid as if he was because that's how big of a reach he has. You know, they don't make those deals by accident. You know what I mean? So they basically were like, this guy has this time of influence and, you know, so he gets paid fucking crazy money

and he's not in the NFL. But he had that workout and the whole thing there was like, they wanted it to be a closed workout. There's a back and forth, right? Like the two sides to this one now where like they were like, no, you can't. Can I media because he didn't want, he was afraid they were going to say can I media and they're like, he can't play anymore. Exactly. And then he's like, no, I can't play.

I want them to see it. So then he changed the location from the, I think it was going to be Brett Lannett, the Falcons play. He changed it to like a high school, had it open to the media so you could see him doing these things. But all the apparently, all or the most of the scouts and everybody they were at the Atlanta location, the Falcons location. They also, but then there was like the weird thing of like wanting, they wanted to have the workout. They're like having on a Saturday where they said most of these things when they have these workouts usually on a Tuesday because that's like a lot of off days for NFL play.

And that's when like GM's coaches, well Saturday's nobody who's like, who's of importance in an organization and the NFL is going to be during the season at your thing. It was all, the whole thing has always been if I can full a drive. It would be cool. It would be cool to get them on a podcast. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I wonder if there's anyone, we couldn't do Rogan's, I don't think Rogan knows enough about football. You could inform him somewhat. I don't think, the football is not the, Joe knows about Hashtonow about Colin Kaepernick, but he wouldn't know the thing is,

like if you interviewed Kaepernick, it would be interesting because you know a lot about football so you could talk to him about specifics or burr. Like if you and burrona, it would be interesting, because you know a lot about football, so you could talk to them about specifics or bur. Like if you and bur, and you remember them, that would be fucking great. Well, I think Joe could definitely do it, because the football stuff is almost like a footnote in it.

But yeah, but there are people that I believe got fucked over by the NFL, Tim Teebo. Tim Teebo? I love Tim T-Bo. Tim T-Bo? I love Tim T-Bo. I wish he could, like, I don't know why teams didn't just fucking keep him on, you know, like fucking, like Tim T-Bo. I think T-Bo got fucked over by the NFL. Why?

I think because he got towards the end of his career and they were like, he's too much of a hassle to deal with fucking get him out of here. Well, that stuff, look, that part is true in entertainment and in sports. and that is this. The hassle that you are is always weighed against what you bring. Antonio Brown was like the clearest yeah. Antonio Brown was like the clearest example of pushing how much of a pain the ass I can be in exchange for how talented I am.

And they basically, you got to see the experiment play out where they go, he was just like, I'm gonna see what you're willing to deal with in exchange for this talent, because his talent is off the charts. He's so amazing. So, and he was like completely insane doing, I kicked off the Raiders for the helmet, was it the helmet?

Dude, he went to such a deliberate, like, he, you know, from the fucking, the cryo treatment to like, I'm not gonna wear this helmet, being late to things, talk shit to, and this is all with like a $30 million guaranteed deal and like, just fucking it off, then being like, you know what,

I am gonna play, fuck them, I hope they release me. Just outrageous behavior. And then, you know, gets to the Patriots. And then he has, they obviously, then he has these like assault acts, sexually assault accusations against him. The whole thing was just, and then he talked shit about them. Then this, just shortly a little while ago, he posted, like, I'm sorry. Like, you could tell it's just, it's just spiraling. It's just not so crazy. Why do you think that's, do you think that is insecurity? I think that's part of it. I think there, I think it's also, it might be that like, some of these guys, especially when you're a star,

they start to really buy into it and you start to act irrationally. And what I have with the fascinating thing is when you watch the public and then people are trying to rationalize it and you're like, and then I think like I'm watching it like, am I crazy? Because I think that he's behaving crazy and people are like, yeah, yeah, no, you're crazy. He knows exactly what he's doing

I'm like, what? So it happens with our business of people absolutely. I can think of another name of people someone who just is super difficult through that people go you hear them. It's just going, yeah, he's blown up but fuck him. Oh, and people and you're like, by the way, this is how blown up but fuck him. Oh. And people, and you're like, by the way, this is how horrible would it be if someone could see? They're like, oh, by the way, that is totally visible.

Yeah, yeah, Mark does that. Yeah. Well, that is kind of what's going on. As I think that when you get, when you get a little success in anything, but like particularly entertainment or sports People's brains work differently some people go like I want to maintain this. I want to see this grow How do I you know? What do I do to do that? And then some people are like oh now I'm gonna fuck now

I get to tell you I watched the guy tell and I remember walking through a line Dane dane cook had a big this is's a wild story I got for you there. For real? Yeah. Wild. Which one? Potomotor one. Yeah, bottom one, yeah.

Yeah, it's just, but that's exactly what we're talking about. It's like that, Antonio Browns. And what I was going to tell you is that I just talked to somebody, an NFL player about this, about, about like, he goes, he said essentially what I, what I told you, he goes at a certain point, especially as you get older, what they'll start to do, the team is like, because you see it all the time, especially in the NFL, NFL, like they have, they don't have the type of contracts they have in like the NBA or even baseball. So they'll go like, yeah, this guy is good, you know, maybe he's reliable,

but like all this bullshit that we have to deal with, they're like, nah man. It's easy to start just cutting him down one. He's getting old man, he's losing it. And then they'll go, you know what? There's this fucking fifth rounder out of fucking Memphis. I mean, you know, everything we've studied says that he can kind of put up close to the same numbers at a one-eighteenth of the price. We're just gonna fucking roll the dice see if this works out. And they just, and they cut the,

they cut the older star and everyone's like, I can't believe it, but what you're not seeing too is like, even us when we get like snippets of a star behaving, you know, kind of crazy, you're seeing that in sports center in a fucking one minute kind of blurb. And like if you're in the organization at the club, how to imagine if it's like

every morning, Monday, they're just like every workout, every meeting, they're like this fucking guy with his bullshit. Yeah, they get tired of it. And they can't, I, the one of the people we wrote down there, some people can't help it. I think it's like yeah, they get tired of it. And they can't, I, the one of the people we wrote down there, some people can't help it. I think it's like, they just can't help it.

I think it's, it is insecurity where it's just start spiraling. It's like, you know what it is? What I, and I say, it was that app, that phone number we have, where you watch people text you and then they start spiraling because you haven't written them back and they can't help it.

It's like mental illness and then they start saying horrible things to you and then you reply once. They're like, whoa, so sorry, dude, we had to. Some of this mental health stuff for sure. What time is it? Yeah, we got to get it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I got to go. All right. Well, you got to tell me that story. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Two bears one. Okay. Thank you guys.

Get the M. Sheen shirt. M. Get the birdie boy tour at burper burt. Burper burt.com. We've added dates. Everything starts January 30th. We should have the Super Bowl this year.

Okay. I'll do it. Let's do it. Okay. We should do. What? Where is the Super Bowl this year? We should do.

Hmm. A show? What? What? We should take two best friends to the Super Bowl that are listeners You're talking about some you ready. Here's my page. Where's it Atlanta? Yeah, that's where we saw the National Championship game. Let's do yeah, yeah, let's do this. Let's take let's Let's have let's have

Let's have, let's have, let's have, let's find the contest, right? Like maybe it's a dance video of two friends doing competing dance videos in under a minute where 30 second dance, 30 second dance, or have, we should come up with a, we should come up with the challenge of our listeners that two two two friends And then we'll take them to the Super Bowl

Okay, is this is this how like a horrible idea? No, it's a fun idea I feel you should talk to agents beforehand get the whole sponsorship worked out. Oh, yeah, we should get a sponsorship Yeah, right tickets are like 10 grand. You're like I will take yeah and grand, you're like, I will take, yeah. Yeah, I don't know. That's super fun. Hey, we're looking for a sponsor to take me and Tom and two friends to the Super Bowl. We could do that. How fun would it be if we just met two guys and like, listen, it'll be great if they

could pitch why they'd be the best. We get guys putting videos of them and their friend and going, hey, we're best friends and we think we would be a great compliment to your friendship. This is why we should go to Super Bowl with you. Bert, he's a lot like you. He's gonna get, but, and because then you go watch people fuck themselves up, go, you get black, how drunk it throws up and fucking, and you're like, that's not who we want to be around. Yeah, and it'd be nice if one of them was Asian, you know? Or one of them was a woman. Or they're both women. Let's just do it with women. Oh, let's bring dates to Super Bowl Poor stars will bring poor stars type in small-tedge jewelry

All right, we got to run. All right, let me let me talk. I'm One goes top to swap the other wears a shirt Tom tells stories and birds the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean Here's what we call, screw bears one cave No scripts to beat a booze amateur, patology Dirty jokes, ronti humor, no apologies Here's what we call, screw bears one cave to Bears 1K.