2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 17 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: January 20, 2020

In this episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer discuss things they learned from their fathers, their feelings about over emotional people, and their new weight loss challenge. Tom also shares a cool story about about a guy who was not nice to his mom. What did YOU learn from your dad? Who do YOU think will win this weight loss challenge?

This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best.

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This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the He just put the pedal to the metal and go, there's a perfect way to start off. They shot. 12 years in the making. It's gonna be a fucking shit shot. I'm gonna try it every one. It's gonna help him make it a hit. 100%. Welcome to another episode of Two Bears, one cave I'm Tom Segura. He's burnt, k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k Carly, you get this bird KKK, Christcher. No. No. Oh, I don't know.

I'm asking. No. No. When are you allowed to discuss the release date? I can't yet, not yet. Yeah. I'm gonna slip up and we almost slipped up on Rogan on the sedix on the drunk.

I got mine, did I tell you? No. I got mine. Really? Yes. The month that we are coming out is completely loaded. It is one after like, it's... Wait, hold on, are you with me?

I'm a week apart from you. Yeah. Nice, before? After. Damn it. And then, but you should see the whole line up. You should see the whole line up. If yours could come out the week before,

mine would have been huge. No, it's all gonna be, it's all gonna be. Everyone's gonna watch yours, and then before, mine would have been huge. No. It's all going to be... It's all... Everyone's going to watch yours and then they might be out and they'd be like, oh, Bert too. You know what? The thing is... People will be still watching yours going, oh, shut the fuck up!

No, it's great. It's actually... It's just great to be in the circle together, but it's not just us. Oh, I can tag your... My marketing for my special. I can throw yours in, too. Thank you. Yeah. I'll take it Yeah, yeah, it's gonna be fucking huge. It's gonna be great

It's gonna be really fucking huge and then don't be surprised if Netflix is like hey, do you mind promoting these other ones too? Wait, do you know? Well, yeah, I know the whole line right the name's down that I want to know I want to know I got them and I wish I had what you have about like I remember going to mantra all with you And you're talking to these people and I was like, yeah, and then you're like, they're agents and I was like, how did you even know that? And you're like, how do you not know, how do you not know that?

And I was like, I just don't know anything about this business. I feel like you're a pen. No, I do actually have a pen, dude. You're gonna love the way this pen writes, too. Really? This pen writes so good. You gotta take them top off. I know how that's hard works.

We forgot our, oh yeah, let me do this real quick. And then, you're giving the pen. Yeah. Open it up for me. Okay, just hold on a second, okay? Yeah. Do it a second. Speaking of right, right down the name

of the people having specials in our month. In our month, okay. I'm gonna do this for you, okay. I is an interesting episode, we are gonna talk about what we've learned from our dads, because your dad really has, don't you love the way that pen writes? Yes. Really?

Actually, it really is great. It's a great not- You're not kidding. You wanna keep it, I can give it to you because I bought 12 of them. Okay. And I sprinkle them all around my house, so I always have them.

Same with sunglasses. I buy, these are I sprinkle them all around my house. I always have them. Same with sunglasses. I buy these are the things I would teach my kids. Buy five pairs of your favorite sunglasses and leave them around the house. That's it. You never like current order for certain things. I knew I knew the last one. Yeah. I didn't know the first one. That's good though. Yeah. Yeah, that's yeah, that's great. And I know that I didn't know the first one, that's good though. Yeah. Yeah, that's great. And I didn't know the second one. You don't know the thing that's great? What?

When that happens, it'll really beat that up pretty hard. So that ends up looking even better. You know what I mean? I love your brain. What? What? What? Hey, can I tell you what is, oh, yeah, this is gonna be great, man.

We're gonna, I got a big month plan. Yeah, it's gonna be good. It's gonna be good. So what did your, what, like, what are the things your dad taught you? Ah, ah, ah, ah. Well, trying to think, I mean, you know, he's really methodical. He's very much a planner. I mean, the first thing that comes to mind actually about him is being punctual and early

for things. Really? Well, he's a fucking maniac about that. Like he, you know, he's a marine. He, uh, oh, I knew he was in Vietnam. Yeah, he Vietnam, you know, he led a platoon of men. He, he, he, Oh, so your dad's military. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, I never fucking realized that. Yeah, and it does a retired Marine Corps captain, man. So he didn't, it wasn't in the Marine Corps when I was growing up, but like that is a big part of his life, his greed. Did he have the night mirrors? No, but he does. No, he did, not PTSD.

He actually, in very, very recently, started talking about how, like, why don't he tell me, like, it was really sad, how he thinks about the guys that died, you know, every day. I was like, what? He goes every day, I think, about those guys. Like, are you think about the guys that were in your platoon that died, he goes, every single day. I was like, God damn, man.

That was like, because all he used to ever tell me about was just like war stories. Like, like, you're watching a history channel show. He was like, we were on Hill 65, and the vehicle, we're, and then this rice hopper came through. I'm like, all right. And he goes, hopper came through. I'm like, all right. And he goes, we mode him down. I'm like, okay.

I'm like, uh, so he tells a lot of like battle stories, which I was always like, surprise that he didn't get worked up. I'm like, is this okay to talk about? And he was like, oh yeah, this is great. And then he just tells stories for like hours. But then I was, you know, he told me that how much he thinks about those guys. And it's just, it's heartbreaking, you know?

But I think it's gotta be, I think about, I've been getting depressed because I'm getting older. And I feel like, and the reason I'm getting depressed, not is not because I'm getting older, it's because Leanne's older than me. She's getting older first, and I'm watching it happen. Like she's turned 50 this year. And she's like, what are we gonna do for my 50th?

And I was like, ignore it. You know what you should do though, right? What do you want to do? Well, definitely, but you know, like Leanne doesn't know how to ball out. And you gotta do it for her, and you know, like, Leanne doesn't know how to ball out. Not alone. You gotta do it for her, and you gotta do it without running it by her or her knowing at all. I started doing that, and she lost her shit.

Just do it anyway. You gotta do something awesome for her 50th. Her 50th is this year? 2020? Yeah. You know, it's so funny. There's a This is gonna come out really wrong. That's the way we want it. No, not in a good way. Oh, there's a You know, I here's the thing. Well, you know, when you party a lot

Obviously you hang out with a lot of people the party we've talked about this before in the podcast You have it run into a lot of alcoholics that Some really turn their life around and do great things. And then some guys that were comics that you didn't speak to in 20 years are still just miserable alcoholics and they're not happy people. Yeah. And the hammock can continue to write and they don't, they have never challenged

themselves. They were content in a bottle. I feel, I think about those people, the way your dad thinks about dead Marines, like I go, sometimes I'll sit there and I'll go, I feel bad for it because I was in, I was in drinking with them. And then, somehow, I got out of whatever it was. Maybe, maybe I was never as bad as they were. I don't know what it is. You look at some people in this business and I feel like, you run into them and you're like, oh, like almost, and I talked about this so much, but when you, there's a survivor's remorse

and I think that's what your dad has. Oh yeah. Where he goes, I heard some Marines say, I'm sure it was some guy on Rogas podcast that every time he gets in his pool, he thinks about all the guys that can't get in their pool. That's all those guys end up thinking about. My cousin was like, we're having dinner with the whole family and my cousin goes, it

must weigh on those guys from war that were in war about like having killed other people. And my dad goes, doesn't weigh on them at all. And he was like, what? And he goes, nobody worries about that. And he was like, really? Because my cousin's so sweet and innocent. And he was like, no, I, yeah, he's like, I would think. He's like, he's like, let me tell you something.

Nobody is bothered by that, by killing the enemy. And everybody was like, let me tell you something. Nobody is bothered by that by killing the enemy. And everybody was like, okay, he goes, he goes, what ways on you is the guys you lost? That's what you think about. He goes, he goes, I've never lost a second of sleep over any of the enemy dying. He's like, you think of it? Wouldn't it be cool if you could plug like a, your, your computer into your dad's neck

and you could play his memories on a big screen? I, it might, it might be too much. I mean, that, that stuff in particular, I'm sure. I mean, you know, you think about it, man, like I actually, one, it's one of the reasons where I just go like, man, I hope we don't go to war because I just feel like it's so, it ends up, it's so terrible to be a part of a war. None of those guys are like, that was great, you know, it's all terrible. It's just death and destruction. Where are which sides you're on?

It's just horrible. It just thinks, I don't know. Yeah. I don't even know anything about what's going on with Iran. So, and by the way, when this comes out, we probably will either be in war or not be a war. Yeah. Yeah, it's, I don't know. I feel bad for anyone that has to go do that. I just don't have, I don't have what that takes. I don't, like, when I think of like, and it's easier for me to compartmentalize Vietnam,

because I've seen so many movies about it. Yeah. I don't really understand what was going on in Afghanistan and Iraq. I mean, you see a couple movies like sniper and you're like, I couldn't do that. I would end up just going into one of those houses and locking myself in a room and being like, they captives held me and I,

God, I just escaped by the hair of my things. Thanks, I think God, I got it out here a lot. But what happened? Oh, shut up, we were in a firefight. You'd be that guy. I would definitely be that guy. I would be the guy going waking up in the morning going, I don't feel good. I'm thinking I'm gonna get sick. I'm gonna stay in this day. But I think of those Vietnam guys were not saying that

it was a worse war. I don't know what but all I know is that once you got dropped off in the jungle, you were camping for the rest of like, until... He had told us a story about how they were told to leave their packs back for like just fire support. And then like go up to this position, just engagement support, just fire. Yeah. So leave your packs, which are, you know, canteens of water and food,

because you're gonna go there, and you're just gonna come back while they got stuck out there with no water. So then they had to helicopter out these jugs and the helicopter lowers them, release them. They all burst. So then they had to fucking dick. Oh my God.

So they watched them all fall off and go this explode. So they all had, I mean, he was like, we were at without water 62 guys for, you know, the better part of a full day, like overnight and then into the next day. Shit like that, yeah where I'm like, oh my God dude. I one time went into hot spin without water. I was like, I was like, I'm gonna get up in the middle of class. They don't like the doors being open.

Yeah, yeah. Everyone looked at me weird and I know what that feels like. Yeah, yeah, everyone looked at me weird. And I know what that feels like. Yeah, I know exactly. Man, fucking old. Dude, I flew coach. Uh, four years ago. That sucked. I feel like I just, I don't know,

I don't have any of that in me. My dad, my dad got, went to the draft and they came they put them in they're like Do you do you have any allergies any physical in my day because I've asthma and I'm like all right You're out my dad. Oh, yeah, really? They're like yeah, and he just walked out. Do you know what the the quickest out was what back then no overweight so people would just like Show up he said one time they, sometimes they would go from like central command and bring somebody like a new guy. Yeah. My dad was, you know, he's pretty hardcore.

He said that like this guy walked up and he with my dad just looked him. He goes, where they bring you? Sorry, sack of shit ass from and they got guy was like, home from fucking Utah or something. He was like, get on that chopper and go back. Your fat ass can't fucking haul with us. And he was like, okay. Okay. Oh my God. Sorry.

Sorry I showed up. But that was a guy who actually made it through Boot. Some of the guys, like if you were just, you know, here. Because you couldn't even go to Boot. Some of the guys, like if you were just, you know, here. Because you could even go to Boot. I love that I love the economy of directness in war. Oh, yeah. Of the, hey, there's no time to be worried about your feelings. Yeah. Your fat, you're going to get me killed, leave.

Yeah. There is an, that is so, I was reading this article today about the Ricky Jervais thing. He's getting in trouble for transphobic tweets or whatever. He is? They're not, I mean, by the way, they're not bad. I guess, oh, I'm by the, I'm the last person to speak about any of this, and I know how this is gonna be edited.

But some lady, JK Rowling supported some lady. Yeah. That was, oh, I know what this is. And I. But some lady, J.K. Rowling supported some lady. That was, oh, I know what this is. And then, J.K. Rowling tweeted that she stands with Maya, I think, is a journalist, a researcher, like an genetic researcher who said, I wish I, she said basically. I stand with her, meaning that the researcher had made a statement about...

Scientifically. Yeah, that there are two sexes. Yeah, there are two sexes. And I thought to myself, what does it say? What is it? You make it bigger? No, the Ricky Jervais made a joke. He goes, we need to protect the rights of women,

not to erode them, because some men have found a new cunning way to dominate and demonize an entire sex. That's not the joke I read. Yeah. But... She basically said scientifically, if you are born a man, you will always be a man. I guess that is what she said.

I'm not something to that effect, but I thought. People lit up JK Rowling, for saying like, but she was like, where would you want, dress how you want, but there are two, and then people like didn't realize, you how you want, but there are two, and then people didn't realize, you just crushed my entire childhood dreams. I used to believe in Harry Potter's magic, and by the way, this coming from a woman

who's written in fantasy her whole fucking life, can't understand that maybe someone doesn't feel like they're, maybe they don't feel like they're, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, they're like, JK Rowling twer- Fucker whatever! Yeah, JK Rowling tweet was like,

I'm gonna get it right because it's very sp- Guys, we need to have all of a sudden, I know that I've made my living off fantasy, but we need to get real about this shit. Ah. Ooh, JK Rowling's is hot! Oh yeah, there it is. Dress however you please, call yourself what you like.

Sleep with any consenting adult who'll have you. Live your best life in peace and security, but force women out of their jobs for stating that sex is real. sleep with any consenting adult who'll have you. Live your best life in peace and security, but force women out of their jobs for stating that sex is real. I stand with Maya, this is not a drill. Okay, well that's not, I guess that's not as bad as what, I was thought you were saying.

That's the tweet that blew out. So what, re-wut Maya wrote, because what Maya wrote was like, I think she's a scientist. You really? I think I don't fucking know. I think this is right. I think she's a scientist. You really? I think I don't fucking know. This is right. Yeah, this is you.

This is what's wrong with me. I always say I don't talk about politics and then the other day I retweeted some like the 10 most ridiculous PC things to happen. And this guy fucking lit me up. He was like, bro, you always say you don't talk about politics but here you are retweeting the progress, the active rights agenda because they put this out there so that you can then, and it made sense what he said, is they put the crazy ones out there so you

can start writing off the Nassau crazy ones. Right. So when you read the crazy ones, then you read one that's not so crazy, but you're like a Zimzer and you're like, oh, fuck that. It should be lumped in with that, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. One of my daughter's friends just just became and I think I'm using this correctly. And it because I used it to someone and they said oh, they corrected me and I was like, I'm not, she became a they.

Yeah, so she's non-binary. Right, they are non-binary. They are non-binary. Yeah, yeah. She became a they. By the way, I gotta be honest with you. I kinda called it when I met the kid in first grade. You did? I swear to God. I swear to God. When she did. Are you letting your daughter stay friends with them?

Yeah, she was at her house. She was at her house the other day. Oh. With them, you just nailed it. Yeah. Okay, yeah. What did she say? What did Maya say?

Thanks, yeah. do it like that. Like you're waking me up like a cop. Yeah, I can't read that at all. I think you mean Zim. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, zoom in, yeah. But yeah, it's, I don't know what my point, oh, here was my point. There is something, so like in today's society,

we kind of almost have to just when new rules come up, when you first hear it, I think everyone is taught, don't say anything, just shut your fucking mouth. What are you gonna say something and then you gotta deal with all the fucking repercussions? I think the thing is there's something beautiful About the economy of war where they're like hey, I'll give a fuck what the fuck. You're gonna kill you're gonna get me killed Oh, yeah, they don't yeah, like around with like the milk how might this affect your feelings?

Feeling no they're like you can't hang because you're a fucking piece of shit. Yeah, go home You can't you can't hang, because you're a fucking piece of shit. Yeah. Go home. Yeah. That's how they talk. You can't be like, uh, tell him to get out of that, it's a vague, sir. I don't do a fuck. Tell him to get out of that bunker or I'm gonna fucking die. Yeah. And I'll kill all of a. By the way, I'm sure that will be plugged into something.

I'll kill all of a. No, I'm not all of you. I know. I can let you stand. God. Burke. I just hope that. Burke. Black people didn't invade all kinds of. I just hope I swear to God. I hope that you guys enjoy the unraveling of my career and just see me on the road. I will never get a movie. I will never get a TV show. Oh, you're gonna get all those things.

You know what, you know what made me real sad though? What? You, when we did Rogan, God man, you had never told me the full extent of the, your teeth getting knocked out story. You told it on that podcast and I was like, man Yeah, you made everybody fucking sad. I know Well, that's like I did so funny. I never saw it as sad really. I just thought it was a little fucked up. It was sad My dad my dad was in a kind of guy my my dad is not he's different now that a lot of people were railing against your dad afterwards

Luckily my dad doesn't know what Twitter is. No, what's good. No, he just, he just, that's an old school. A little old school. Like I remember one time, I remember one time he was yelling about me yelling at me and I was in high school and I started to cry. Oh bro, it was like I asked to suck his dick.

Really? He was like, what the fuck are you doing? And I was like And I was like and he goes, don't you fucking cry. I remember I remember I remember that so vividly like because he and by the way it that if I can say there's one thing my dad's done that fucked me up that Because then I turn into this guy who I saw crying as a weakness. I didn't cry from that moment. I didn't cry again. I think the next time I cried was when Liam broke up with me, when we were dating, she woke up with me and I cried. That was the first time I cried again.

That's like fucking years. Ten years. Yeah. 12, but, and then I saw crying as a weakness so like if a woman cried, I'd fucking write her off. I'd be like, yeah, I remember Stacey Dash, cried, I told you this, I think. I was in spin class in when I was like 26 maybe. And I put myself on the bike at Crunch, Bob, the biggest loser was our trainer, was our spin teacher. Yeah. Put myself on the good bike., Bob, the biggest loser was our trainer, was our spin teacher.

Yeah. Put myself on the good bike. There was a couple of good bikes. When you want a good bike, you knew what the good bikes were. Put myself on the bike and I go to get fill up my water bottle and I come back and my stuff is on another bike and Stacey Dash is on that bike. And I'm like, whoa, you switched bikes, because no, I didn't. I said, no, you definitely did. I put myself on that bike.

She goes, oh, no, no, no, no, I called this bike. stuff on that bike. She goes, oh no, no, no, no, I called this bike. This is my bike. And I went, no, no, no, it's not. I put my stuff on that bike for a reason. She goes, what, does it matter? And I went, no, no, it does, because you know that it matters. You know that, very, you know that that's the good bike. And that the bike next to it sucks,

because they didn't fix the pedals. Yeah. And I go, you, if that is your feeling, then you take another bike and I'll take that bike. And Bob from biggest loser goes, Hey, hey, what's going on guys? This is spin glass. We shouldn't be fighting. I go, she took my bike and he goes, did you take his bike? And she started crying. Yeah. And I went, you fucking punt. Yeah. How dare you shut down my argument, valid argument for just going,

I don't know how to use words so good. So I'm having a, it's manipulation. It's manipulation. And, and fucking women get away with it way more because they can just go to that crying technique and then what happens is, a lot of people who don't feel like engaging on the details of that argument just go,

like there's a woman crying, just, there's a power shift, it's absolutely. everyone in public seats a woman crying and a man yelling and they go oh He's a beautiful just he's just abused her and I go no everyone's going bird abuses women. Yeah I'm saying in that situation in that that scenario, I abuse women. Like, I... So... Dude, I said to George at one time when she was a little girl, she did something wrong. This is when she was little too. She did something wrong. And I said, and I was telling her, by the the way this happened last night too. I was doing

something wrong and she did something wrong and I was correcting her and she and I was being starting with her and started crying and I was in the kitchen and I was in the other room and I said don't cry. Do not cry. I said if you want to compete, this is a child. If you want to compete with men in the workplace you got to learn how to not cry and the compete, this is a child. If you want to compete with men in the workplace, you've got to learn how to not cry. And then he goes, she's fucking three. What are the fuck are you? And it was like, in my head, I was so broken about crying

that I couldn't, I couldn't, I am with you. I, whenever, if there's an irrational crying, like for something, you know, I can't believe there's no parking space outside. I'm like, I immediately shut down and I go, keep this person away from me. I really have like a disease to stay away from it because it's so unsettling to be around

an overly emotional person for me. I can't be around it at all. Somebody who cries for no, you know, it's's like crying crying says so much more than just I'm I'm hurt. Yeah, it speaks. It's like you know if a painting says a thousand words a woman crying in a parking lot is a novel That's probably a thousand no and so that's probably a short essay but but like I If I and that's probably a short essay. But, but like, I, if, I, Leanne has never cried in public with me. If she did, I'd get up and walk away.

I'd just walk away. I'd be like, I'm done with you. I can't, I, I, I can't deal with crying. And, and it goes back to my dad when I started to cry. I get my, I bet my dad said, what the fuck are you doing? Yeah. Are you about to say I'm done with the conversation?

I'm gonna cry and try to one up you. Is this you fucking overbedding me? Yeah, yeah. No, you wanna be a fucking man? He's like, and I bet in his head, he was like, I can't raise a man that goes into an office and starts to cry. Right.

Like what fuck? Right, because he was going to work every day and he's like, none of us sit around and cry when things are It's so crazy. I've seen my dad cry. I've seen my dad cry. Have you ever seen you dad cry? I saw him it was the night his dad died I remember being like nine and I was across the street playing at a friend's house. And they called to come home and I was like, can I stay longer and they said yes,

a couple more hours and I was like, can I stay longer now? And they're like, no, you need to come home and I was like, all right, and I came home and his dad had died. And he was crying, I remember him saying that he was crying for his mother because she was alone now. That's why he was crying, I remember him saying that he was crying for his mother because she was alone now. That's why he was crying. Dude, the words that come out of a crying man.

Yeah, I mean, like a grown man. Grown man, not me and Tom, but like our dads, the words that come out of a grown man, man's mouth, are so fucking intense. Yeah, it really levels you. I remember when they legalized gay marriage, he cried really. Now he's gonna.

I watched my dad cry. My dad cried when Florida State failed me in two classes and I had to. I thought you were gonna say national championship game. I was like, I feel them dude. I'll go home one. God damn it. I had to drive up to Tallahassee to talk to these two professors.

And they only failed me because of the Rolling Stone magazine. Game out, article came out. And I had to drive up to Tallahassee and it was like six in the morning. It was like five in the morning and I had to get up there by noon or whatever. So I'm getting out packing my car. I've already moved. You just have to go just go talk to the professors. I'm going to drive up and talk to the professors. And I had reached out to them. Like, and I guess called one and one told me not to waste my time that I could go fuck myself.

A professor did? A pro. If I had his name, I'd rad him out. If I had this guy's name, I would rad him out. I hope he's still in Tallahassee. I hope he's drinking and drinking. And I'm going to go to the professor's. I'm going to go to the professor's. I'm going to go to the professor's. guy's name, I would rat him out. I hope he's still in Tallahassee.

I hope he's drinking and smoking and living in his closet of an office. This fucking cunt. I reached out and he told me to go fuck myself. Then I got to his office and he said, I thought I told you to fuck yourself. And I went, I'm definitely, I go listen, I'm moving to New York. I wrote about this in my book,, listen, I'm moving to New York. I wrote about this in my book, I go, I'm moving to New York, I don't really have the, I can't really go back to school for another semester to make up this class, and I need this class, and I've talked to the administration,

and they said that there is a way that a lot of teachers with a graduating senior will give, like an out where they write an essay, or they try to make up the work so that they can graduate. I've already walked like I'm moving to New York like I'm and so I was wondering if there's a way and he said he said let me be very clear. He was like you have sullied the name of the institute. I am a teacher at by the way I'm paraphrasing. I'm trying to remember exactly. And he goes you famous now. What do you care? He was your famous? You got a book deal. You got a movie deal. You got all these things. You're famous. Go be famous man

Go be famous. By the way, I'm such a fucking idiot. I started going yeah Like what do I need this class for in my head? And he goes you can go fuck yourself I he goes I I will never give you a C. I will never pass you. I'll never do anything to help you. And I was like, I'm a good boy. Damn. I remember going, you're like a teacher. Like, but now you realize you just some broken 28 year old, 30 year old dude who's never gonna be anything in his life.

And he probably knows that. He's a writer. Fucking, he didn't know Barnes and Noble was gonna go out of business. He didn't know all these shit that was gonna happen. What class was this? Creative writing. It was creative writing. It was creative writing.

Yeah. So like I had written all the papers. He just failed me. And he was and so I came home. I told my dad and we were it was probably like there was a night. I pulled in. I told my dad and my dad started crying. And he goes, it's so hard to watch someone fuck with your kid. Yeah. It dude. And if you haven't seen this yet, but when people fuck with your child, fuck with your kid. Yeah. It dude and when you haven't seen this yet but when people fuck with your child, fuck with your child, it raises emotions that are like parallel to panic but you know

that fight or flight? Yeah. That same thing that makes you panic and run, makes you panic and want to murder motherfuckers. I'm real scared of how I'll respond to that. I think we all are. Like the first time your kid gets fucked with. Like... I had a bad reaction to just even a little bit of that at a park. We're like, I, you know, I had pretty dark visions in my head.

Dude, I'm, if anything, I'm vindictive, right? If anything. There's a woman who, uh, one time, total lie about Georgia. Uh-huh. That woman's not doing so hot now. Really? Ah. Fucking kick, drive everything.

Fucking Scorpio. T fuck you, you pun. It's like, I was just shit like that man. Yeah. I did threaten to kill somebody one time over the phone. Yeah. And the police got involved. Okay, we'll start this story from the beginning. Should we do this story from the beginning.

Should we do this ad first? Uh, uh, so I got a call. This is like years ago. I was out here. I had a day job at a post-production facility and I got a call.

She wasn't even like, my mom called me and she said that this guy was really rude to her at this furniture store. I couldn't understand how you would ever get in this situation. And the second you said this, the second you said I got a call,

I went, I've gotten that call. Yeah, okay, keep going. She goes, the guy was really rude to me. And she wasn't like trembling or like, she was like, she was just like down. She was like sad and I was like what happened. She was like what was trying to buy like I don't know like couch or something and you know this guy was like what what are you saying because he about has a heavy accent and she was like you know asking like is this for that and he

goes look I don't speak Russian like and goes, so why don't you like, learn English or like go somewhere else? Something like that. And I was like, what? So I just snapped, right? And I, I just, I called him, and I, she told me where she was and I go, I want you to know that you're gonna die today.

And I said, I was dead serious. You're in California. Yeah, I was in California. I go, someone's gonna come to your store today and fucking kill you. And by the way, this is real because this is South Florida. And he just, and he assumes he's Russian. Yeah. And the Russian mob is fucking everywhere.

Oh, yeah. And not to mention there's that, that getting shot in Florida is a real fucking thing. Yeah, for sure. And people, everyone's carrying guns, everyone. It's so easy to, first of all, just have a gun on you. And then if you want to go as far as getting a concealed carry permit, uh, you have to fill out one piece of paper. That's what it takes in Florida.

Like, yeah, everyone has guns. I, the, I didn't put it in the special, but the joke I have is our waiting, our waiting period for a gun out here. I think it's like 12 days. The waiting period in Florida is and switch. It's true. No, it was it. So I was like, you're gonna die.

And he was like trying to say, I go, you can just stop talking. I go, you know, I go, you're gonna fucking die. And you can just say, I got, I don't wanna hear the rest of it. I don't wanna hear what you're gonna say at all. Unless it's funeral arrangements. Yeah. So I just, I remember he was, you could tell he

was getting worked up, you know, and I stayed real calm. Like he was like, what do you say? I was like, I go, you made a mistake. You said the wrong thing to the wrong person, and now you're going to be fucking dead. And I hung up the phone. And then I remember the IT people, because I worked at a pretty big production facility. And so like a couple of them came around and they were like, hey, did somebody threaten to kill someone in Florida? And I was like, I was like, I'm kind of busy right now, man. So I just went back to what I was doing. And I was like, I was just like, I'm kind of busy right now, man. So I just went back to what I was doing.

And I was like, I just remembered like feeling like such a thrill. You know? And then, so I kind of like let it go, you know, or like a little, a few minutes went by. And then I kind of wanted to call the guy again. So I did. But this time, I fucked up because I wasn't thinking and I called him for my cell phone.

So when I called him for my cell phone, see, before when I called it was the outgoing number of the production house, now I call for my cell phone. So then he was like, oh, I know you are. Now I know you are, sheriff's departments coming right now. You just threatened to kill me, buddy. Like, you're gonna be arrested. And I was like, I don't give a fuck, man.

You're still gonna die today. So, I just leaned into it. I was like, go ahead, tell them, tell them everything. Here's my address. I just was like, I just leaned into it, you know? I was like, go ahead, tell them, tell them everything. Here's my address, I just was like, all you need to know is like, if you stay where you are, someone's coming to kill you. So. Sheriff's Parments on the way.

It's like the Tampa thing to say. Sheriff's Department. Sheriff's Department's coming. So then I hung up and then I knew I was fucked. I was like, fuck, like fervent at work. Yeah. Because at first they were like, we have no idea who called. And now they're like, hey Tom, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So then they pull me in to the IT room, which is like, has two guys there and they're like, hey, so there's this place in Florida

that said that they got a call, then they got a call from you specifically from your cell phone. They said you're gonna kill this guy? And I was like, oh no, no, no. And I told you it was like, no dude, what happened was this guy was on the phone, he said some crazy shit.

And I was like, fuck you back, he's crazy. He's like, maybe I'll kill you, or Ryan would make me look like that. And I told you it was like, I don't know shit and I was like, fuck you back, he's crazy. He's like, maybe I'll kill you, or Ryan would make you look like that back up. And I totally was like, I don't know, we were just like, fucking around. And they were like, okay. And they just like sent me back. I was like, oh.

I was like, is there a recording of the call? They were like, no, I was like, I don't know, I don't know. I was like, we were told it's our, I'm on it. I got to ask my friends friend, and now I was just talking around. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Yeah. But there's the whole point of this was that we brought it up over the holidays because everybody remembered. And my dad was like, I was so proud of you for making that call. Oh. And he gave me a fist bump. The sun may not be a killer like I was,

but he's got it in him. Yeah, he was like, he's like, you did the right thing. Really? I was like, yeah, I just, you know, I've totally snapped and he was like, he was like, yeah, I was the right thing to do. He was like, when you threaten that guy, threaten to kill him, I'm just proud of you. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha my dad was like what the fuck is wrong with you? A bunch of kids, you wanna know what he said? He made fun of my teeth.

He did. And before I even had anything fixed, like he was like, I just, my mouth was a wreck and he said something. I wish I remember this kid's name. I said something and he said something about my teeth and I just fucking fired off and I fucking knocked him on the ground.

I didn't knock him out but knocked him onto the ground. And then I was like, what grade were you in? I was going in and I fucking knocked him on the ground. Knock didn't knock him out, but knocked him onto the ground. And then I was like, what grade were you in? I was going in ninth grade. I was, it was the day before ninth grade started. And the, that was Sunday night. And I fucking knocked him and I said, say it again. And he just laid on the ground. It was really weird.

It's really weird how like, so things that you see in movies never happen in real life the way they happen in movies, you know? Like, you say in that moment you hit someone you think it's gonna be like, like, everyone's, Awww, but a lot of people are like, what the fuck did you just do? And the kids are like, what? You hit me man? And it's just so awkward. Yeah, it doesn't, yeah, not like in a movie. Not like in the movies, it's clean and cool and yeah.

And it just, it sounded weird. It sounded like this. Like, it just didn't sound like it was so fucking bizarre and then I walked home. I was across the other side of our neighborhood. I walked home, I go, oh my god, my dad's like, did you just fucking hit somebody? And Yanny goes, why the fuck would you hit someone? I say, it's something to me.

He's like, like, like, what the fuck are you out of your fucking mind? Like, my dad was, my dad's rules were so bizarre growing up. Like, I remember I said, I said the word, I said the word, I said the word, Faggot one time. And I know that's going to be clipped out and put all over the internet, but I said it one time I said the word, Faggot one time and I know that's gonna be clipped out and put all over the internet, but I said it one time and my dad goes, I said it in our house. Like you'd say it to your friends all the time.

I said it in our house. My dad goes, what the fuck did you just say? And I was like, in my head I was like, this isn't a bad word. This is the swarrow's brothers taught me this word. This is like, say how are your friends? And he was like, what are you? Are you home, home a, no no, what are you? Are you homo?

No, no, homophobic. Are you afraid you're gay? Are you gay? Is that what's going on? Are you gay? If you're gay, tell me you're gay. I'm fine. I'll love it, gay son.

Tell me you're gay. Are you gay? And I was like, what? No, he goes, are you having a relationship? Like really aggressive about it. And I go, what do you, don't ever use that fucking word in my house. Don't ever use that fucking word in my house.

I was like, okay. Whoa. I walked away and I was like, okay. Whoa. I walked away and I was like, try and go. Hahaha. But it's so weird because that was way, and then in a weird way, I never heard that word the same. Yeah. And I never, I never,

I never, word wasn't huge in my vocabulary as a kid, but it was, you know, very big with all my friends. And I, in a weird way, because my dad got so aggressive about that, I was like, oh. Yeah, I never really hear my dad ever, I never heard my dad say that. He, I don't know, man, I just feel like he looked at all of us. I think it's when he'd been in combat, like just as civilians and only person.

You know what I mean? I feel like when I would do something that was like, he was disappointed in, he would just kind of like You're like, oh, you're just like a regular typical. Yeah, you're a regular person I mean, the his criticism would be if I was I was lazy, you know, I wanted to like sleep in and If I was like, oh, this is heavy, you know, like he'd like bring this bag inside whatever. Yeah, I like it's heavy He's like come on Sarah. I was like Jesus like yeah just call me a girl's name he'd be like hey Alice is that heavy yeah and then I'd like bring it and he's like Jesus come on we should do a

dad's trip take our dads together somewhere. Ha ha ha ha. What do you think? What do you think? Do you think my dad and your dad would get along like me and you? Yeah, they would get along. I mean, they would, they would, uh... My dad, my dad, I think my dad would,

my dad is a really weird about respect. Like he loves, he respects men. Yeah. He can really appreciate men. Do they're both old school white guy, Catholic guys. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They would tough, they would get along. Where'd you dad grow up, Ohio? Louisville. Louisville. Yeah. Really? It's crazy.

It's like the most Catholic city. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We should do a dad's trip. Derek, this is definitely, yeah. I mean, does your dad relax in a button down in khakis? Because that's what my dad's, that's what my dad's where, you're like, why don't you like get comfortable? I am comfortable.

Oh yeah, yeah. You're like slacks. Slacks with maybe golf shirt. Yes. Is my dad's comfortable? This is dressed down. Yeah. Like I bought him a pair of Nike Ultra Boost

or Adidas Ultra Boost for Christmas. And he was, you could tell it was like, I was like, where were I, where was I? Where in the phone? He was like, who am I supposed to do with this? This is fun. I feel weird. My feet don't hurt.

How come my feet don't hurt? Yeah, yeah, my dad, my dad relaxes now with marijuana. That is wild, I know. It's really bizarre. We played golf at Pebble Beach. And he- That's awesome. Over this break?

It's awesome until I tell you what happened. What? I did overdose himself. It was on the cliffs like this. Fuck, fuck! Super high. So high. How was his golf swing?

It horrible as he heard us back the day before. Oh shit. We played, we played, uh, This is like a week or two ago? No, no, we played spyglass, spyglass or Spanish. I think we played spyglass the day before I had an eagle and we played, it was fucking one of the beautiful days of my life, one of the best days. One of those days, I've had a couple with my friends.

You have a good golf swing, man. Yeah, thanks. I remember when we did Topgolf. Yeah, you were had a couple with my friend. You have a good golf swing, man. Yeah, thanks. I remember when we did Topgolf. Yeah, you were like, he was a shockingly good golfer. He was doing, he was chipping well. Yeah, he played competitively at his Yashiva. He did?

He was, well, I don't know how hard it is to make a golf. Now you were swinging that five ironed clean, man. And so, and so it's my privilege. And so, but my dad, we played really great at Spiglass. I think it was Spiglass. And then, he played pretty good. And then he was like, I'm gonna take some marijuana to loosen my back up.

I cannot believe that. And he ate like, I wanna say like 30 milligrams. He ate a lot. That's enough to get you going. We get to the two most picturesque holes on Pebble Beach, right? He's like, they're both on a cliff. Am I dad's driving the cart on the left side of the cart, like in the grass to the left away from the cliff?

By the way, the cliff is 100 yards that way. And my dad's like already like, well, fuck. And I was like, daddy, you know what buddy? I don't know what I don't think I can play the rest of this hole. And I was like, what? And he's like, I'm gonna sit over here. Don't go, don't go, too. And he was having, dad, he goes, you know what buddy? I don't know what I don't think I can play the rest of this hole. And I was like, what? And he's like, I'm gonna sit over here. Don't go, don't go, too. And he was having such panic attacks.

We go to the third hole. This is the poll. Everyone gets a picture on. This is the most picture. Yeah. All of the most picture I saw was on all Pebble Beach. And my dad couldn't get from out from under the cart. Like, he was like hiding in the cart

and he was freaking out so bad. And I was like, maybe we'll get a cocktail and loosen up that buzz a little bit. But the M.I.D. is just fucking wasted. No. Now, I think they would get along though. I do. I think they would like.

We should do a father's on trip. I do it. Let's do it. Have him come to a... Where's a good place to take them? Let's bring them out on stage and we do a live two bears on cave. Dude, that would be bonkers. We're gonna do one relatively soon. Yeah.

We should do a live two bears on caves. There we go. I mean, yeah, my dad would love it. It'd be fucking great. My dad, by the way, he'll say things like, he goes, people love to hear me speak. I'm like, what? He's like, I consider it like a real treat for them

to get to hear me. I bet it's like that, too. I'm like that. All right. And he's like, you know, the thing is, like, people just remember when I say things, you know, like, I'm just good at it. I'm like, I wish I thought of myself the same way. What the fuck, man? What do you want me to go on the road with you? I'll rip my shirt off, people will crazy when I do that. Like, yeah, he know, I know what you do it now.

How many dates do you want to do? You're like, uh, do a father's son thing, you know? Like, well, come out and just be like, uh, you'll tell a story and I'm like, well, that didn't happen. I go, yeah, it's fun, Dad. That's what happened. Yeah. Yeah.

Kids got an act of imagination, never happened, never happened. Yeah. Didn't even go to Russia. Yeah. My dad, my dad is, I have a great story about my dad thinking that Will Smith was gay. I remember this. And I told it on, I told it somewhere and someone said, came into my dad and told him and he goes, never happened.

And I go, it totally happened. And he goes, never happened. He had an active imagination. I never thought Will Smith was gay. I go, no, you're 100%. I, it's really hard for me to make up the scenario, Dad. And he was like, I'll tell you, all the things happening in your head never happened.

I remember my sister and I, we were like, I was telling a story and I was like, I remember when I was a kid, I'd ride on my dad's lap and our van, and he goes, never had a van. I go, we definitely had a van. He goes, never had a van. Never had a van.

And he said, he goes, you make a lot of stuff up and you believe it. And I'm fine with that, but we never had a van. He said, he goes, you make a lot of stuff up and you believe it. And I'm fine with that, but we never had a van. So I'm telling the same story, this Christmas, to my daughters about riding on my dad's lap. In our van. Yeah. Hitting the blinker.

And my dad goes, never had a van. And my sister, Annie, goes, we totally had a fucking van. And my mom goes, we had a van. And he goes, okay. I was like, that's it? You caught me a liar? And now you're just gonna go, all right, get me a van.

Dude, our dads are gonna get along. Ha ha ha ha. My dad just goes, if he said something, and I'm like, like it's like, I had the bit in my special about Tommy Lee Jones's gay. You know? No, I don't know this man. We don't know this. I'm stoked to meet. Dude, so I, I talked about how rumors are spread. I had the bit in my special about Tommy Lee Jones's gay. You know? No, I don't know this bad.

You don't know this. Dude, so I talked about how rumors are spread. And then one time, I think we were, I wanna say we were watching the fugitive. And my dad goes, did you know he's gay? I'm going, who? And he goes, Tommy Lee Jones, I go, Tommy Lee Jones. And this is back when, for people,

back when you said someone was gay, people go like, holy shit. Not like, not like now when they're like, okay. And like where you realize it's just, you know, normal part of the population makeup. So it was like just startling, right? If you to hear of somebody, like you see that guy on, he's gay and you'd be like, oh my God.

Does he have fucking four legs? Or is it like you just would didn't know how to, so he told me that and I was like, really? He was like, yeah. And I go, how do you know? He was like, oh my friend told me and I go, Jesus. And so then it became a thing that I would tell people, like, like, like, like, like,

oh, you're in here, you're in here for my equivalent. That's what, yeah. That's what means, I'm a good guy. Shotrape and a woman. I tell everyone that it's not true I fucking started to tell everybody right like anytime a movie came out Totally Jones was in fucking 80 of them. I'd be like you know, he's gay and people were like no, I'd be like yep And they would just basically like, how do you know that? And I would just go, my dad told me.

So my dad told me and they were like, did you fuck it? You're dad fuck him or something? I was like, no. So I kept telling people, telling people, freshman year of college. I'm in the freshman dorms. And I tell this kid Matt who's in the dorms with me, I go, oh yeah, there's the movie, a movie's on TV and I go, oh did you know Tommy Lee Jones is gay?

And he goes, he's definitely not gay. And I go, oh no, he is. And they're like, he's like, where are you getting this? And I'm like, my dad. My dad, my dad. And he knows. And he's like, he's definitely not. And I'm like, well, how do you know that?

And he goes, I know Tommy Lee Jones, oh, sorry. He goes, I know him. And I'm like, how do you know him? He's like, because my dad and Tommy Lee Jones are friends, not lovers. And I've known his family for years. I know his wife, we've vacationed with him. He's a hundred percent not gay.

And I was like, this sounds fucking... Suspects. Suspects. And he's like, dude, I don't know where you're getting this. He's like, this is completely wrong. He's like, he's straight, definitely straight. So I call my dad, and I'm like, dude. I call him from the dorms.

I just found out for sure. Tommy Lee Jones is not gay. And he goes, oh, I thought he was. I'm like that. I've been telling this since I've been telling this for years. I've told thousands of people this And he's like, yeah, I go I go why did you tell me that he's like I can't remember I'm like is that it and he was like yep, I thought he was yeah, I'm like you just decided to label this guy

I'm like you just decided to label this guy He's like I always thought he was oh, okay. Oh Yeah, oh those that the fucking I wonder if those dads still exist cuz I know I'm not that bad like I'm like Like those dads they just like my dad was like that were just were we more in touch with like human behavior and you know I mean like the other day Isla goes Isla comes in and goes I had the craziest dream last night I go oh you hear my dream she was like really I went Isla I did dream that two sisters George and Isla could travel into dreams so they'd go in to a child into a sick into an hospital

They'd hold each to hold a hand and they could travel into the sleeping child's dream and they could help Get in their dream and rescue the child and get them out of a coma and then they got hired by this family whose father was in they got hired by this family whose father was in the coma and they were fighting over the will and they went and it turns out the father was a horror writer and so in his dreams it was terrifying and they couldn't get out because the day he grabbed onto their hands what the fuck man and I and I go what was your dream about she goes nothing he goes nothing I'm gonna go I'm gonna go to was that really your dream?

I have fucking insane dreams. That is an insane dream. That is an insane dream. Dude, I've had dreams. I've had dreams that would... I used to call Doug Benson's answer machine, I leave him on there. I have dreams and they were really intense.

That would be like... Would fucking creep you out. I had a dream one time that... I'm sure people have heard me say this. I'm trying to think of one that I haven't told, but this is a really good one. I went to Rogan's house. I had to go to Rogan's house. Everyone's there in the dream. But it's all like Game of Thrones. There's fires on the tables and like fire is just fire is big fires. People shoot in bow and arrows and someone grabs me and they're like, stand hopes waiting for you in the other room. So I go into the room and I just rip my book and he goes, he's like, hey, he's sitting in a throne and he's like, I wrote a book, you inspire me to write a book.

And I was like, really? And he was like, yeah, I want you to read it. So he hands me like just a folder like an, I open it and it's inside a piece of paper, like two or three pieces of paper, and they're stapled together. And it's just like this, right? And so I read the whole thing. And then I look in the other side, and it, on the back, and it says, you know, take stickers. So I take the stickers and place on forearm. So I place them on my forearm, and I look at it, and I go, it's great. And it's just, it just looks like this. And he's like, what'd you think? I said, it's great.

He was reading it again. I go, what? And he goes, read it again. And I went, I just read it. And he goes, no. The stickers are acid. Every time you read it, it changes. Those, I've picked the perfect words

to tell the perfect stories so that on acid, you can read that over and over and over again in each time as a different adventure. And I look down at the paper and now all the letters are vibrating and coming off the page and dropping and coming off the page and dropping. I look at stand-up and he's like keep reading. And I look and now all the letters are sparkling and I'm inside the sentence riding a horse with a fucking knife, fighting the letters like it's a big fucking thing.

And I'm like, holy shit! He's like, keep reading! I'm like, oh my god, I'm like, it's the, and I'm like, this is genius and I woke up. I was like, I told my wife, she's like, I don't even have a fuck about your dream. This is a sober dream for you. Sober dreams, dude, I've had dreams. I had a dream that, I had a dream that had me, I woke up crying, crying, like not in good way. So I'll tell you this, cause of really fucking crazy dream, okay? You're, let's do this.

Okay, do this, do this, do this. Right, don't forget this, you're dream. Okay. All right. This is a perfect time to bring up the fact that we kind of are thrown into another weight loss thing again. How's this working?

Is it already started? Yes. Oh, yeah. Basically, I think, I think that when we did our sober October recap, Joe was like, you can tell in his eyes, he was like, you guys are fat again. Fat again.

Oh, Jesus. And he was like, it's kind of upsetting to me. Like, it's like when he sees you smoke like someone's cigarette and he's like, it's kind of upsetting to me. Like, it's like when he sees you smoke, like someone's psychosecigger and he's like, ugh. So he was like, why are you guys fat again? I'm like, I don't know. And then he was like, let's do a weight loss thing

and everyone was like, okay. And then with Ari, he's like, and you, please try to put something on. He looks like he's like, Ari's like, it's fucking 80. He already needs to put some muscle on because he's just got an old man's body. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He does. He needs to put muscle on for real because he looks like, uh,

just looks like, you know, and that's the number one thing for guys like that. Uh, choose the no, no skinny those, those lanky guys. Yeah. Is their bone density starts to disappear. His is. Yeah. His bone density is disappearing. It's really low. That's why he broke his fucking wrist skin because he's getting, turning into old man.

Yeah. And that thing that happens with him, with guys like him, that skinny, skinny, that don't have any mass, is one injury leads to another injury and that leads to death. He's, death is knocking on his door.

That's soon? 100%. He's gonna break a hip. Easy. He'll break a hip. He's his bones are so brittle. He's got death is knocking on his door. That's soon? 100%. He's got to break a hip. Easy. He'll break a hip. His bones are so brittle. He's got to lift weights. He broke his wrist doing nothing and it was a severe break.

Yeah. Like he, like he, when I say he's going nothing, he was skiing pretty fast. But still, a lot of people fucking bust and don't break their bones. Yeah, yeah. No, he needs, so he's doing that. And then you and I are supposed to, Joe wants to lose 10 pounds 15 pounds he wants to get to one 90 what are you trying to get down to I want to get to two of five But by the end of February that's that we're trying to then right? I don't know I can by the way

I can totally focus on weight loss now because I got nothing on my plate. I mean nothing that nothing but right but But are you gonna try to be a... You're not gonna be trying to be a 2-5 at the end of the day. I wanna get it. No, I just wanna get as low as I can get. I wanna get below 220 and stay below 220. Yeah. I can maintain weight fine.

Like, I can actually, let me rephrase this. I can not gain weight. I know how to not gain weight and I know how to gain weight. But I know how to not gain weight. The losing the weight is hard. Yeah Once like when we got down to the weight what's the hard part for you of weight loss? What's the hard part? honestly I was talking to I was talking to someone about drinking and they were saying like, you know, I

Was I was out of control. I'd find myself walking over the bottle and just grabbing it and drinking it I went I'm like that with my refrigerator. Like if I, island I have the same fucking brain. Last night we're watching some stupid show, Alaskan Bush people and they have a commercial for Domino's has a Brooklyn style pizza, Brooklyn foldable style. And Ila's fingers go up here. She goes, oh, dad

Yeah, skipper fingers. Yeah, we should get one of those. It's 10 o'clock at night. Yeah, what'd you say? Of course I called dominoes. I called three different dominoes to find the one that I mean I was like call the first dominoes. We don't deliver to you normally you just go out of the summit to be yeah Call the second dominoes took my order place my order called back Sorry, we don't deliver to you. I was like don't worry about it. We're finding this dominoes All the third dominoes got an extra large pepperoni Brooklyn Send it in and I said I said to myself. I got a fry. I'm not gonna have any I literally saying this really I'm lying to myself. I'm lying. I'm lying to myself. I'm knowing full well. I'm taking one of the face

I go I go you guys you guys want some pizza and George is like I'll taking one to the face. I go, I go, you guys want some pizza? And George is like, I'll take one and then I was like, I'll try it. And I was like, well, we're all gonna have one. And I'm like, no, no, not me, not me. So I put them all out in the, Tom, I ate one by myself and then lied to myself and took them out. I go, he go, and they're like, can I have one? And I went, nah, I already ate it.

I lied, I just lied. I can't help myself. I cannot fucking help myself. Did you have more than one? I did not. I can't help myself. I cannot fucking help myself. Did you have more than more? I did not. For real? It did not my mouse watering. I went back to go get them and it was,

and they had cooled and I saw how much grease was on it. And I looked at it cooled and I was like, it's not gonna be what I saw when it showed up. I was like, I'm gonna pass. I mean, I did this thing. I made a, I made a udon, like a beef udon with the girls last night. And it was funny shit made bone broth.

Like, it was really fun. I'm putting it away and I'm just taking hunks and meat. I'm just putting it in my mouth. Of course. Like eating a meal, I'm eating a meal, but I can't, I have no self control with the food. Yeah, I have, it's weird because I have it right now. Right now I have an eating yet today.

And I've had this coffee yet. And so I intermittent fast up until whatever the 16 hour period is. But man, once I know I can eat, then you go crazy. Yeah, but it's even like yesterday I was like, I'm gonna eat healthy, I went to hot spin, I'm gonna eat something healthy. And then Leanne had baked sourdough bread

and I was like, I'm gonna make a sandwich. I'm gonna make a healthy sandwich. And then I'm like putting cheese on it and then I'm like, I'm gonna eat something healthy. And then, Leanne had baked sourdough bread, and I was like, I'm gonna make a sandwich. I'm gonna make a healthy sandwich. And then I'm like, putting cheese on it, and then I'm like, fucking mayonnaise. And then I'm just like, I'm a horseradish. I'm like, fuck it, let's load this bitch up. Let's make a beautiful sandwich. And then I started, and then I started going,

I'm by the way, this is like, I know this is real addiction. This is real addiction. I then say, who wants a grilled cheese? Knowing full well, they're not gonna finish a grilled cheese, and I can wrap up a grilled cheese. And I make amazing grilled cheese with Leanne's bread, lightly toasted, Jesus melting, bringing into Georgia,

cut it in half, knowing she's only gonna eat half. I eat a full grilled cheese eating both their halves. Yeah. And you're like, I didn't have grilled cheese today. Yeah. I just gotta say it with, I have a real problem cheese eating both their abs. Yeah. And you're like, I didn't have grilled cheese today. Yeah. I just got a sandwich. I have a real problem with addiction with food. I'm like legit, legit problem.

And I can't help it. I do, I feel the same. I'm the same way. I really am. I love food. The hardest thing for me too is that I'll get into good workout habits. And then you're just like, you're fuel,

like you're hungry. So now it's not just like, oh standard, I need to eat. So for me it's like the planning, right? Like planning the planning how to eat. If you do the planning and the structure, but if you're going like, I'm just going to wing it, I can't wing it. Oh, I can't wing it.

I can't just go, I'll find something healthy to eat. Can't do it. The fuck. No. What do you know what I probably need? I probably need a little boxes of things I'm allowed to eat. Put in the fridge. And that's my thing.

Because then I'll just look at it and go, okay, I'll do that. This is for me. Yeah, oh, I did a cleanse with Leanne. I got down to two. The lightest I've been in my adult life, probably two, 15, two, 12. I looked really good. It was my right morning, I turned 40. And my mouse watering right now, thinking of food.

And I would have a juice in the morning, lean protein and green in the afternoon and a juice at night. And it was like very structured. I'm good with rules. Like that's why so, October works for me, is because I go, oh, I can do note note booze. I don't. I can totally do no booze. But if you say a little booze, I'm gonna go, why not a lot of

booze? Why not every other night? Why not? Like as opposed to I just should go like last night, I'm last night I'm like, I'm not gonna drink tonight. I'm not gonna, I'm gonna eat healthy. And then I go to the store, so I'm making this bone broth, and I'm like, oh, I can really pump up the Sudan. And then I was like, I need to sucky with the Sudan Like, why not? Get a little sake, it goes in the recipe anyway, that's a little. And then, next thing you know, I'm I'm stirring bone broth, drinking sake out of the thing, going like, fucking, who is

over the bottle of wine? Yeah, you're living well, but you're not doing so, you know, it's not as crazy as you, as it sounds. It's not like you're in trouble. No, I'm not like, the thing is, I'm getting up every day. I'm working out twice a day. I'm running three miles every day this year. That's my goal. I'm gonna run a thousand miles this year.

That's great. I'm gonna run a thousand miles and use 25 push-ups every day. I figured if I run a thousand miles and do 25 push-ups every single day, I will see a difference. It's gotta be some difference for sure. I ran 383 miles last year.

Wow, so this would be more than triple. Well, the key is, right? Or triple, but I had like January of last year, I ran 1.9 miles. Like, it's not a good month. Just do that's when I put on all my weight. Really? Mm. Beginning of the road. Oh yeah all my weight. Really? Be getting a good work.

Was it on the road? Oh yeah, my tour. Yeah, yeah, fucking. What do you guys want for dinner? Oh, was this city good? Known for? Coneys. Yeah.

It's gonna $100 worth. Yeah. No, I was. When the tour, you know the other thing. I don't know how big we'd be together if we toured together. We would be houses. The tour, the bad part about the tour

is not just, it was the four or five cities in a week, sleep all fucked. You know what I mean? When you have very little structure to it, it's like, then we're gonna get on the bus at midnight, you'll wake up six a.m. will be in this city, and then you're like dragging through that day, you have two shows that night,

get back on the bus, those were the, those weeks are not good for you. And casinos, I did two casinos in December, and Pachanga and Borgata, and you get done in Borgata, you know, especially Borgata. Pachanga was amazing as well, but especially Borgata, you get done, they're like, hey, we got a table for you

at the restaurant. Yeah. Everything's taken care of, and you're like, how cool, and you go in, you're like, they're like, hey, we gotta table for you at the restaurant. Everything's taken care of. And you're like, how cool, you go in, you're like, what do you want? And I was like, what's good? And he was putting in full A. And you're like, I'll take one. Oh, it's midnight.

Give me a double T, doesn't it soda? Yeah, but don't forget you gotta try it. We have like six great appetizers. Dude, you wanna spring them all out? Pretango, we get a, we get a, we get a, we get a, we get a, and I go in, and I say, you know, I'm with, I'm with my family. No, that was, we're God, I'm with, we're God, I'm with my family. Because, no, that was Borgata, I'm with Borgata.

I'm with my family and meaning my uncle, couple of my uncle, my cousins, and Ian, my opener, and they go, what do you want? And I said, what's good? And they go, scallops is really good. The bacon's really good, but the seafood tower is pretty outrageous. And I go, well, we don't need all that.

We'll just go bacon and scallops and the guy comes over and he's a marry and he goes uh it's comped I want what and he goes it's comped so get the seafood tower and I was like oh yeah okay and then he comes over and he goes so what do you guys want to eat and I go why don't you just pick he goes yeah I said yeah you're gonna like what I bring out he brought out I think one of every steak and had them all pre-sliced. And it was all over the fucking table. And it was, and he brought,

they had a, my mouth is watering right now. They had a bone-in, Vio Parmesan. A bone-in. They even heard of that. Vio Parmesan. It was the greatest thing I had ever had in my life I'm gonna tell you it was so good Compamial

I'm not gonna say what I tip cuz I don't I was pretty drunk, but I think I tipped I'm pretty sure I tipped Wow, right because but yeah, but you're talking about a $1,200 meal. Yeah, yeah, yeah, can I tell you I I I tipped I called someone and asked him what I tipped and he goes you tip the you tip what the bill was god damn I said really and he goes you are saving 20% you tip what the bill was and I went it's an interesting way to look at it I had already planned on paying it So that is an interesting way to someone says, this is for free. Who told you that?

I mean, one of my buddies, one of my buddies, movie producer, the guy, my Tom Hacelot. He goes, you tip, if someone's comp in your meal, you tip them. What the bill would have been. What the bill would have been. And then you just saved 20% knowing you would have tip 20%.

So ultimately, it's a good deal. And I was like, yeah, I was like, I was just tip half the bill or whatever, roughly. But the best was he then Told me how everyone else tipped You know, I'm not the only comic to go to the port got a lots comics go to the port got a lot's comics get exactly what I got a lot of comics Get com meals a lot of comics bringing families and That's a good. Hey, that's a good some guys are great some guys are great

He was like I must put tell you this but man. I'll tell you right now. You tell me, nice, I went really, he goes, oh yeah. Well, these cameras are about to go off, so. I'd like the full scoop. Yeah, I'll give it to you. Yeah, you want to go to restaurants with me. I go, I'm fucking ass. Let's do, let's go. I mean, I just, I'm just like,

Oh, we're gonna eat tomorrow. We are? Oh yeah. Yeah, I'm always just like What's like I go back well the four big ones that people usually order them like so those and they're like you want all of them And I'm like yeah, and they're like oh, okay And I'm like bring them all out and then you know have the table share and then come back Maybe we'll do I don't know. Maybe we'll do multiple courses and they're like this is in a multiple course restaurant

I'm like we'll do multiple courses. And they're like, this isn't a multiple course restaurant. I'm like, we'll do it anyway. Dude. Leanne goes, can I tell you something that I think is pretty basic, but I don't think you're really getting your head around. I said what's that? She goes, in the periods of your life when you're gaining weight, it's when you're ordering two meals at dinner.

And I went, yeah. And by the way, I don't see it because I know I only half of those meals. Yeah. Because I'll get, sometimes I go to dinner and I won't know, like I did this the other day at an Italian restaurant. I said, I know I should get the fish

and the fish sounds good. Yeah. But what's your best pasta and he goes, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, okay, I'll get one of each. Squid ink. Right? Oh, come on.

How do you not go squid ink? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so, Leanne's like, and then Leanne got her meal in his sock, and I go try my squid ink. And she was like, I don't know, you got to go, no, have it. And then I pass it around. Everyone take a little bite. Time's really good. Squid ink's great.

And then I eat the fish, fish with little bony. And then you're like, oh, thank God I got the squid ink, you know? So, but ordering two meals is my favorite thing. Going to them and saying, what's your best at what's your For best appetizers just bring about don't even tell me what they are. Yeah, oh, yeah, of course Shit, man, I'm fucking starving right now. Yeah, it's one of three. I have an eating today. Oh, yeah, I gotta get going If you could go if you could get something to eat right now, what would it be right now like yeah, like drive through like to be right now. Like yeah, like drive through, like,

I mean, I haven't eaten much today either. So something like really hearty and fatty sounds good. Like a big ass, you know, in an out burger, like, I mean, are you talking about stakes? Just make me want to stake. I went to a stake house last night and got salmon, you know, trying to be a good boy. Well, I talked to my trainer.

That's like, I was three some and just jacking off. I know. My trainer, I was going through this fucking weight loss thing because we had broken down my... Hold on, what is the joke there? You went to a stake house and got salmon. That's like wearing a condom in a three-some. If you, I went to a stake and got salmon.

That's like, I went to a stake House and got salmon. It's like being gay but not having anal sex. What's the point of being gay then? Yeah. If you're just getting blow jobs. It's like being black and never rapping. All right, all right. I'm like, I'm going to go sign that.

So. Uh. It's like. What? What? Nothing. I'm already getting, I'm going to go sign that. So... Uh... It's like... What? Nothing, I already... I guess... Dude, dude!

Not in green! Dude! No! Dude! Ah, no way! No fucking way! That's a great one, though! Oh!

Oh! It's like being a pedophile and not. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha And then he was like, hey, I broke the saw down and he goes, so like your calorie intake should be and it was like Like 1700 and I was like, I feel like Maybe I should calculate He's like, are you hitting that? I was like, I think I think more, but I got to go look at the data You look that your calorie intake the same way people look at baking it altitude. You're like, ah, a Couple thousand feet.

Lee, I got a trainer. Chidin. Lee, I got a trainer. One's her 50th. August 20th. Dude, what are you planning? You got to plan something crazy. I was thinking of originally I wanted to get,

I wanted to get a beach house in Hawaii and fly whoever she wants out to Hawaii. And everyone go to a beach house for like a week. That's great. Yeah, she's like, why would we do that? Why don't we just get a beach house in Malibu? And then I was like, okay. And then she's like, well, wait,

why would we even get a beach house? Let's just have a party. You need to override. You need to just do it anyway. You need to book it. Just book it and be like, you're fucked, have you read day. We gotta go. I gotta run.

Love you, have a new year. Pretty new year. We're in a tour. Tom's in Australia right now. Yep. ENS Panyol. Yep. ENS Panuel. Go to Thomsagurra.com slash tour for the dates that I'm announcing a bunch of dates later in 2020, but he's on a big tour right now, so go see.

30 Boy World Tour. I will see you guys. Have fun. I love you. Let's get back. Bird time. Tom and Bird. One goes top and swath the other.

Where's the shirt? Tom tells stories and birds the machine There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean Here's what we call, two bears one cave No scripts to bid a booze amateur for topology Dirty jokes, ranchy humor, no apologies Here's what we call, two bears one cave Here's what we call to bears one cave.