2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 38 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: July 13, 2020

On this episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer discuss Bert's recent drive-in movie theater tour, wiping barehanded, and Bert's foot race with his tour bus driver, Ron. Bert also reveals that he has started eating ice cream. A lot of ice cream. Tom and Bert then look at a Amazon review for Kool-Aid written by a fan, and Tom reveals new Kool-Aid inspired merch!

I fucked dogs and I'm smelling shit. She was like, when I go pad's a bird. Christchurch. I'm Tom Sper. Unless you just put the pedal to the metal and go, and go, and go, and go, and go. This is a perfect way to start off this show. 12 years in the making. It's gonna be a fucking shit show.

I'm gonna put it in every one. It's gonna, it's gonna, I'm gonna, maybe I hate it. It's 100%. Welcome back. Oh, you motherfucker. It's so good to Welcome back. Oh you mother fucker It's so good to be back. It's so good to be back. I'm super jealous. I'm a super jealous Really honestly, I'm most jealous that you got to do stand up It's so time you know, you know, it's crazy is what I'll tell you the

The coolest thing that about being back on stage is all the fucked up thoughts that we've been having while in quarantine, that you're afraid to tweet because you're afraid it's gonna come out wrong. You get to just take them on stage and you forgot, oh, this is the media in my work at. It is so much fun. Do you remember the Confederate Statute joke I told you that we edited it out?

Forget it. I hope we edited it out. I got it to work on stage. And it's just, you just gotta work it a couple of times and try it. Yeah, I hope we edit it out. I got it to work on stage and it's just you just got to work in a couple times and try it Yeah, you're your joke or something like we should put them all back to the best guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah So it's you forgot the fun the danger like nothing's changed so much is changed online with cancel culture Yeah, and everyone attacking everyone that you go into the clubs, you go into this, these driving movie theaters and you are like oh nothing's changed at all.

All everyone's still wants to like. Okay what was your first show? Was it Phoenix? Phoenix. Now you said shaky legs right? Hardcore. How were you stumbling through stuff and forgetting stuff? Uh so then I dropped the joke and I like, it was a good article. You know, for one of the end of the one of the jokes, and then I'm like, all right, what's next? As opposed to, you know the feeling when you're every comic knows this, and this is just for comics, really.

Yeah. Sometimes when you're like a third of the way through the joke, you'll be thinking about your next joke, and you'll be kind of throwing in tags for your next joke or working on your next joke as you're finishing this joke, or at least, or you'll be thinking about your next joke and you'll be kind of thrown in tags for your next joke or working on your next joke as you're finishing this joke or at least or you'll be so in the moment that you'll be thinking of how do I get this joke different? How do I rewrite this joke?

None of that was happening. My brain was scrambling. It looked like a secretary with her hair up at a bun and pencils in it with papers all everywhere. And like, okay, hold on. We got a big black dick. How do we get out of this? That's the joke, the joke is good.

It's good, it's good, it's good. It was dude, it was so much fun. That first show was scary. Second show, I went up, I had a beer, I never drank before I go on stage, but I had a beer and it was fucking fun. And by the time I did my last club shows in Salt Lake City, oh bro, you're on.

I did the full, I think an hour and 40. And the first 30 minutes was just all improv. Just, you know, you're really in the moment and you're writing and I kept thinking I'm not getting this again I'm not getting it again ever. I for a year. I won't go back to clubs probably right but um But those theaters those those driving movie theaters are such a crazy experience. That is man That's so cool. Most people won't have that experience. I told you man. I really want you to do it because I want to do some with you because I

think you would it think you would, it would, you would be overwhelmed by it. It feels like this is, obviously everyone knows I speak hyperbole, but it feels like you're, it feels better than just doing a theater. When you do a theater, you walk on stage, you see the people, sometimes like Chicago Theater, you're like, wow, this is crazy. You know?

And then some theaters, you're like, oh nice. You know, some theaters are ugliest fuck and you're just like, oh, I feel like I'm doing a TED talk. Yeah. Some theaters are overwhelming where you're like, like the beacon, you're like, oh shit, this is the beacon in New York. Yeah.

Sounds crazy. You go to a driving movie theater in Tulsa, and you're in Tulsa. Not to shit on Tulsa, but it is Tulsa. And you're like, holy fuck man, this is amazing. You see every, it's a different way to see audience. Are the headlights all on on the car? No, so they've ex-off.

Everything I've heard other Canadian comedians trash driving movie theaters, and I've heard a lot now recently. Starting with Chappelle, who I don't think, he wasn't trashing it, but he was just like, he was like, that's just not for me. They honk throughout your jokes and they flick your lights. That's not, it doesn't have,

and maybe that would happen for bad comedians. Dead silent, listening. Where are they sitting on, on, on, everyone's? Oh, they set up couches, they set up inflatable mattresses, they fill up their trunk beds with, their truck beds with the truck beds with the recliners.

And I mean, it really is a full production. Their tail getting, let me just pitch it to you this way. Doors open around 7, 6.37. Showed it in start till 9, right? Yeah. So everyone pulls in and gets set up. They start grilling. They set up their cocktails.

They got, you know, they're doing shots. They're just fucking out of this world. They're setting up huge like the throwing, they're doing shots. They're just fucking out of this world. They're setting up huge like, they're throwing football, they're doing fucking cornhole toss, it's tailgating, it's legit tailgating. And it's the, because they're, you're like glowing. I'm talking about that.

It's one of the coolest experiences I've ever had because you go from being in quarantine to releasing a special being in quarantine and going to anyone watch it, what's happened with my career, I'm lost, and I ever gonna stand up again, what's gonna happen with our country? To going to this where people are showing up,

and they're like, and like, I would, they're surrounded the bus, and like, if you stick your head out, everyone's taking pictures, and then it was like so much fun, everyone's tailgating, everyone's having a blast, and then the sun sets, and every night, we've got a gorgeous sunset.

So all of a sudden you got 2,000 people in the lot watching a beautiful sunset together having drinks. Sun goes down, show stars, everyone starts cheering like going crazy. They're perfectly great audience members, like meaning big laughs and they're laughing, you're in a quarry and they're laughing on top of you. You definitely feel the pops. If you're a good comic, if you're a bad comic, it's gonna be a rough fight.

I'm not gonna lie. But if you're a good comic, like if you can hold your weight as a comic, you would love this because a good pop of a joke, a good snap, a good punch line, and you feel thunders of it. And then, and then the, I mean, my favorite without a doubt is you

say, thank you, good night and everyone hops in their cars and they flick their headlights and hit their horns. Dune in Indianapolis set up a firework show in the fucking back. Really? Firework start going on. And I'm like, whole, I'm getting chill bumps telling you about it. Well, first of all, it's goosebumps, but secondly, it bumps, but secondly, it's so, like what you're describing is how, if you had never done this, how I would describe the perfect setting for you.

If someone was like, what is Burr-But? I would be like, are people grilling? Are they drinking? Yes. Yes. Yes. Is there a fucking football being tossed? Are they out? Guys are filling up their truck bags of water. And they're like, burning the bath.

Yeah. They're like, shit bath. He's like shit. Did anybody call you out for smelling bad or fucking dog? Oh yeah, so that, so, so, so we do, so there's no heckling, there's no like no heckling, but you can't even, even if there was, like people say stuff like we love you or whatever, but that's fine, but so the show, they flick their headlights.

We had a guest set usually come in, John Reap came in, Miss Pat came in. Miss Pat was like, this is some white boy shit. Yeah, she must have thought that. She was like, this is fucking bizarre. So then you get done and like me and Miss Pat getting the golf cart, I stand on the back, she sits in it and as everyone exits,

you just do your meet and greet. And so everyone's in their car, even. Right, so you're keeping your distance because it's quarantine. You're staying within like five feet from the car, it's probably 10 feet really, and just driving around going, hey, thank you for coming out.

And people are like, oh, this is, you know, a lot of people are just saying, thank you, it's just because it's, I think a lot of people are grateful that you're giving them an opportunity for entertainment and safe. Right. I keep saying, you know, your people are gonna live, however they wanna live.

You go to clubs, some clubs were very socially distant. Some clubs did it right, some clubs did not. And that's just the truth. I don't wanna candy cut anything. I wanna keep everything 100% honest. Some clubs were not. And it was difficult for some clubs because they'd see people and then people would sit whatever the fuck they wanted to sit.

Sure. So you'd see them in the back to see them social that's something like, let's move forward. And then you'd look and be like, why is everyone, you can't help it, you really can't help it. I don't know what to say Po or Khan for that, but I know on stage they would tape off an area so that you were five feet from where the tape was, from where the audience was.

Yeah. And I always stayed up against the wall. I just am very obsessive compulsive about that. And halfway through the tour, I was laying in the audience was. And I always stayed up against the wall. I just am very obsessive compulsive about that. And halfway through the tour, I was laying in bed one morning. And my air conditioner was blowing on my nose. My nose was clogged up. I was like, oh shit, I got coronavirus. And I was like, and then, and I,

because my nose is all clogged up. And I go, I had a real moment. I said, is this worth it? Like, is it worth it? Like that I'm getting, I, that I just got coronavirus. Like, and I'm in the this worth it? Like, is it worth it? Like that I'm getting, I just got coronavirus. Like, and I'm in the middle of the country. And now I'm gonna infect my whole, like, and then I got up, blew my nose, I'm like,

I'm fine, you need to shut the fuck up. Like, we were 100% safe. As I say, if you could be, had a mask on everywhere, and it walk in, back door to the club, into the green room, no contact. Servo would come to the door, take our order, server will leave the door.

No one will never come in and hang out with us, never talk to us. We were by ourselves, you do your show, come in, and then exit through the back. Every time go right to the bus. Every time it was from the bus to the club, from the club to the bus, and then second we got in the bus, Ram will be there, we take off to the next city.

It was not a lot of like... So wait a minute. Go back to your meet and greet on the golf cart. You're driving by. It's fucking amazing. So we're in the golf cart. The first time he did it, I guess, was maybe Indianapolis.

We didn't do it in North Carolina. Maybe it was Indianapolis. And yeah, and it was, we just did it on a spur. I had to get from the stage back to the tour bus. And we started driving and people were losing their fucking minds And they were like oh, what are you doing? And then you're like oh fuck yeah, everyone knows me for a meet and greet I love meet and greets. I love saying thank you So we just did it. We just went through the traffic and it was you smell like shit your fuck dogs and poor Pat's like what the fuck?

Hey Pat is not racist and she goes, I know mother fucker. You know, he fucks dogs though. And she's like, he don't fuck dog. I'm like, Pat, let him say I fuck dogs. He's like, you don't fuck dogs. You don't, I'm bad, or Pat was like, got out of there.

He goes, what the fuck are they talking about? I was like, I fuck dogs and I'm smelling shit. She was like, when I go pat his so much better than being racist. He's so racist at all, bad. She's like, bitch, I know. It was so awesome. I can tell I can't do some because I think that... But we started talking about it. It's possible. It would be, and there are so many cool ones, and it it's not about like it's not about a big payday

It's about getting out. I want to just stand up. I was supposed to just stand up this weekend I know send you and yeah, well they were everybody I heard which were you at the comedy club? I was just gonna do the club half capacity it was all you know ready to go and then they were like Hey, you know, there's a spike in this and I was like look. look, I don't want to. It's not, it's definitely, I'll tell you right now. Is it worth it? Now, here's what I'll say, because I've heard a lot of, I've heard a lot of kind of going back and forth online between certain comics and certain comics, right?

Certain comics are finger pointing to other comics that they're the problem and then other comics. by the way really good comics and really good people Now I'm not just talking about the obvious ones, but like a lot of comics are doing spots a lot of comics are doing clubs I will tell you that you go into the clubs and they are like tearfully grateful that you're there because they're all losing their clubs they're all losing their clubs they're They're all losing their clubs. They're all losing their clubs. The staff was like, in tears. Every show you did, the staff was like, you have no idea, you just saved my life.

The staff that I have, and this is a little sappy, but like the staff I had, so for the drive-ins are a little complicated, I have to travel with a production crew as well that I pay for So I travel the production crew to set up the stage film the show so they can go on the drive-ins So these are all like production people Everything one of them took a solid

Fucking minute out of their day at one point throughout this thing socially distance because they're all in massing gloves the whole time Yeah, and they were like hey, I just want to thank you. I'm not losing my house now. Like, people need to work. And that is what half of America is saying is how you can't stop me from working. And then some people in Hollywood are like,

no, you're spreading the virus. Some people everywhere all over the country. So it is a weird juxtaposition of going like, I definitely don't wanna bring people together to get people sick at all. That is not my, and when you went into clubs where it was oversold, I was definitely frustrated and a little upset going, I had a deal with you,

and then you look at some clubs and they're just like, hey man, we're fucking losing our ass. We're just trying to keep our head above water. It's a weird, and you're not gonna stop an American. an American's gonna do what the fuck they wanna do, and a lot of people do not respect this virus. That is the truth. That's the truth.

And I'm really like pathetic to people who, we all need to work. Like we all need to work. So, there are comics losing their houses right now. There are comics losing their apartments. There are comics with overheads that they can't afford. And I'm not saying like frillous overheads. There are comics that are supporting their mom

or supporting a loved one because they were making money at a certain time and they're losing what they have. And I think they should work too. I'm telling you, I just wish I could figure out a way to make this, make this driving movie theater more cost effective. Because I could set up a fucking tour for everyone. And just go, let's bring everyone on the road. Let's make everyone money.

Let's get everyone back on the floor. I wish I wished it, and listen, the clubs are fucking, clubs are so much more fun than the drive-ins. Yeah. I mean, the meaning stand up wise, to be that intimate with, like, I'll tell you, Des Moines.

Alicia did it perfect. She pulled out all the fucking tables and then placed them socially distant. It was probably the best one I'd done. Birmingham, everyone was great. I'm not shitting on anyone. But I'll just tell you the ones that stood out. Did you do the hunch?

No. Start-o. Start-o. I walked in, I was like, Alabama. if anyone was gonna be sitting on each other's shoulders I thought it would be you fucking animals. Yeah, they were like no bro. No, no they were wearing masks They're taking people's temperatures like that was the good one like we did Oklahoma City They took everyone's temperature going in and you're like oh that makes me feel comfortable Yeah, you know like so there are ways to do it if you follow the rules and I got to be honest with you if you're like, oh, that makes me feel comfortable. You know, like, so there are ways to do it.

If you follow the rules, and I gotta be honest with you, if you're a comic and this is the end of this, we won't need to, if you're a comic, you need to dictate to the club how you want it to be handled. And this is what you want. You want that first row of seats pulled out entirely and pushed back so it's the second row of seats. You want them if they can to remove tables

and more importantly other, you want that path to the stage to be widened because you cannot stop just lunatics from just jumping out of their seat and I was in San Antonio, lap out loud and I get to the stage fine and I'm first show I'm coming off and a guy comes up and gives me a big hug and just write in my face. I love you, bro! I'm like, you just fucking corona raped me. Like, how dare you?

And I got back and I'm like, I've been fucking, I was so angry because I was like, I've been fucking perfect. I've been perfect with no contact. And then this guy just spits in my face. And here's the thing, it's like, you know he does that to everybody. Of course. You know he's been doing that to a lot of people.

You're not the person. So then immediately I fucking, the next morning I woke up with my nose and I was like, I got fucking coronavirus. And then Shane's like, you don't get it the next day, but I was like, oh really? And it's like, it takes a couple days. So I was like, oh, okay, cool, fuck it.

But yeah, it was crazy. It was crazy. Well look, I wanted to jump ahead and something else is really fascinating I think You told me on a phone call that's in my driving Vlog the one that I put up. It's a story It's the one that has the model-wide Tesla So I was on the phone with you so I was asking you about when they used to say that you used to shoot on the beds and vomit all over the walls at the comedy condos

And you're like that wasn't me, but I don't know how to, we talked about it. And then, out of nowhere, you dropped that you've been wiping your ass bare-handed with your finger. Yeah. Not all the time, but it's been happening. But out of that start. We'll start with the fact that I've been washing my hands a lot lately. You have been.

Yeah. And so, like, because of on that tour, I wash my hands nonstop, sanitize nonstop. My hands have never been so clean. I'm with you there. Normally I'm not a hand washer at all. Like I've never really been a hand washer at all. Yeah. Ever since coronavirus, I've washed my hands a lot. Okay.

Some a little more cool to do in dirty shit with my hands. I go clean. I'll clean some of them. Yeah. So I'm sitting in, I'm in New Orleans. On a lot. Okay, some a little more cool to end dirty shit with my hands. I go. I'll clean some up. Yeah. So I'm sitting in I'm in New Orleans on a toilet on a toilet at a at an RV park. Okay. And I take a shit and I'm with you so far. I look for toilet paper and there's no toilet paper. Okay. I'm in my running shorts and a visor. That's it. And I'm like, okay. I was like, all right.. And I'm like, okay. I was like, all right, well, I'm not, I just put it on these clean running shorts. I plan to go on, I'm going into jog.

I go, I'm not. I don't have anything. And there's a sink real close. I actually have my arm on the sink as I was shitting. Yeah. And I went, and I'd heard, I'd heard once in, in, by the way, I don't, I don't want to sound ignorant. Yeah.

But I'm going to say saying certain types of countries. Uh-huh. They Oh, they bow or head, but they do something because they wipe their ass with the right hand. Okay. Do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, yeah, I've heard this. What is it? Like well, I've I've and I I've also heard this so I can't I have yeah, I've heard that that um That in certain Middle Eastern countries, you never extend your right hand to shake. Because that's your wiping hand. You're right, right, so that there was shake left hand.

That's the extent of what I've heard about that. Right, now I'm so progressive that I'm starting to look at different cultures and stop going, what I was fucking disgusting, and go, is there something to learn from this culture? Okay. Okay. So I'm Yeah, and go, hmm, is there something to learn from this culture? Okay, okay? So I'm sitting there and I'm going well they wipe their ass in the middle ease with their fucking fingers. I go it's got to be

I think it's got to be pretty effective. Yeah, so I Just turn on the sink and I grab the thing and I go down and it's not that dirty And I just give a little scrub like I'm like like scrub. Like I'm trying to get into a girl's asshole. You remember that move where you're like, I'm just playing. I'm just playing. You're just playing with the outside a little bit. I'm just surveying the property.

I haven't explored yet. Right, do you like it? Do you like it? Yeah. And this is Lewis and then Clark comes over and he's like, wait, wait, wait, or what are we doing? Are we gonna, where's second to we, uh?

So, do you do feel a little bit of, you feel a little mud, right, a little bit. I, so I didn't this time, I didn't at all. I was like, I was like, okay, so I kinda wiped and then I look at my finger and there's nothing all day. Wait, do you wipe between your legs? It hasn't even gotten bad yet. Oh yeah, I wiped from the front.

You don't go behind and wipe up. No, because I'm not a gorilla. I fucking go from the front. That's all, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,'m fucking not a gorilla. I fucking go from the front. That's all, oooh, oooh, oooh. I'm an adult, I go from the front. So, so I go from the front, I wipe a little bit. And by the way, now I'm about to get fucking lit up from wiping from the front.

I don't know why I wipe from the front. I'll tell you this, let's not lose track of this. I was blown away, and I mean completely blown away at the amount of people that were like, yeah, I brush after breakfast. And they don't wake up and brush their teeth. Blown away. I literally thought it would be like everybody and then you.

Did you see what Georgia said? No. All my stories, she goes, I'm doing a story and I go, I go, hey guys, I just woke up and I'm about to have my coffee and then I'm gonna eat and I'm gonna brush my teeth and George He goes, oh gross, you don't brush your teeth when you get out of bed and I go, no. And I go, have you brushed your teeth? And she goes, no, I said, what are you doing? She goes, I'm gonna eat something and then I go and then I'm like, something to drink and then I brush my teeth. I go, I thought I just fucking said. But I think it was fucking my favorite one. By the way, I am not calling her out at all, at all.

Who? I'm not, I wanna read it to you because I wanna make sure I'm very clear with this. Okay. This is my favorite one and I love this person. I love this person. I've been following her hardcore all through quarantine. You ready?

Angela Johnson. Yes. The three-thirds. Yeah, yeah, yeah, what'd you say? Wake up. Wonder why my body feels so old. Waddle, moep, stretch my way to the bathroom. Pea, wash my hands.

I was like, wash your hands. Who washes their hands? Like, who washes their hands in the morning? I was like, what? Well, she peed. Oh, that may be that's it. And then she went, yeah. It wasn't a ritual like all the days New it was I touched my vagina. I'm gonna fuck that up. I missed reading pee. I missed reading pee

I just thought she was I said she's like that murder was fucking rough last night. Let's make sure I'm totally clean Oh my god All right, so you reach between your legs to wipe and And then I kind of wipe it, I look at my finger and there's nothing, right? Nothing? There's nothing. So then guess what I did next. I hope you watched that hand.

No. Not immediately. What'd you do? Smith, sniff it, you smelled it. Is I smelled it? I smelled it. Smell like an asshole. What? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha It's like a massable. I'm not surprised, but I shouldn't have been.

I thought, I thought, I'm not there. Is it gonna smell like that? I was like, ah, nah, shit, alright. I think I might throw up now. I think I might fucking throw up. Oh, shit! So, I go in. I feel like I can smell, and I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I go, are I- Is there soap or just water? There's soap, there's soap. So I'm by the way, now I'm hurting my back, reaching for the soap.

Okay. So I don't even really soap up. I just go back in, scrub again, then grab water, splash water scrub. It's almost like a help of a bidet. Like if a bidet had a finger meant a thing, if a bidet had like a finger attachment, it would really fucking hell about.

So I clean, I then drip dry, sit there for a second. I then drip dry, sit there for a second. I wrap up, go in, wash both hands aggressively. And then I just kinda sit there with it, like walk around, and I'm like, I feel good. And I was like, that actually might be one of the best wipes I've ever had, because what you're finding a lot in these truck stops and RV parks is one ply toilet paper.

Right, so shitty toilet paper. It leaves your asshole raw and then I'm going. I wanna leap ahead though. and RV parks is one ply toilet paper. Right, it's shitty toilet paper. It leaves your asshole raw and then I'm going. I wanna leave a head though. Did you do the tactic again with a messier brown? So it works so well the first time I thought. I thought I think I might have just found a cheat code. Remember when I told you I spit in my toilet paper

to wipe my ass? That is like fucking, what is that, and Alabama wet wipe? Yeah, I've done that. Those are the bunch. Those are the best. I remember telling someone about that and he was like, what the fuck?

No, that's definitely, especially like. And if you haven't done it, you're fucking fucking fucked. If you're in public, if you're like in an airport bathroom, it's a life saver. Yeah, 100%. Yeah. So then I, I shit again. And I'm like,

where are you this time? I think I'm in a comedy club. Okay. And there is toilet paper, but I go, I've got a new tactic. I got a new tactic. So I go and the second I go down, I feel what could only be called the top of a frappuccino,

like the guu, the whipping of a frappuccino down there. And I'm like, ah, ah, ah, planned on I was like but I'm already in it I'm like I can't just go aboard aboard yeah, cuz now I got and then I'm like so are you doing like three pull? No, no, I just got one finger middle finger and I go in and I go and my first thought is Tom is Where do I put this? I'm like I can't put it in the fucking sink. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, there's too much shit? So so I just kind of go all right, so I Hammer it and then I rinse it and I'm like I'm back to toilet paper. I'm back to toilet paper and this is after I talked to you I think what it is I think it's a good tactic. Here's what I think it's a good tactic. Are you gonna do it more?

Here's where I will apply this okay, so How you gonna do it more? Here's where I will apply this. Okay. So for two days, I think it's hemorrhoids, but I'm not sure, but my asshole's been extremely itchy. So sometimes with the cheap toilet papers, you will get little dingleberry toilet papers in your hair. And so where that tactic works good is you've wiped your clean, and now you get some water

and go down and just scrub the area and then wash your hands. I'm not done with it, but I haven't protected it. I haven't protected it. I'm so glad you're not done with it because I love to hear where it goes. By the way, this is totally acceptable. I would argue, Joe Kui was raised to do this.

Let's call him and find out. He was raised to that. I don't do all my research. He was raised to that. I don't do all my research. I have listened to a story and then apply what I find to this thing. Let's see what Joe Koi says. Pretty certain that Joe Koi has a bowl of water

next to his- Yeah, yes, I know about this. And he wipes his ass with his finger and uses the bowl of water. And by the way, if he does, you can erase all your comments that you just put that I'm a fucking lunatic and go, actually, you know what,

Bert is progressive. I'm so fucking progressive. I've been progressive my whole life. I've always been on the right side of history. I'll prove it. By the way, I tried calling Joe Quig, so I was getting my blood taken. And the first thing I nervous says,

you're comedian, do you know Joe Quig? Yeah. I was like, let me call him I'll FaceTime. I mean he didn't answer He's having a fucking blast with what he's in I think he's He never answers my phone calls. Do you think that means? Maybe he changes. Is he on the road? No, no, he's in heat due to he should do fucking driving. Oh yeah.

I mean, there's so many guys that would love it. There's so many guys that would really enjoy it. I'm, I would be excited to take you out there and then I wanna get you a Pope Mobile. Yeah. So you can do a meet and greet. That would be fun. That would be fun. That would be fun as well.

Let me, let me take, so we have to just address that it basically, I don't know, went viral the cool aid thing. It was such a, I'm sorry, I can't solve that comment. Oh my God, I didn't expect the moment to happen. It was obviously like a very organic thing. And then everybody, I mean, I have been, I was texted and called by so many people,

like not just comedians and the, and people that I've met, people relate like my dad's friend who, you know, like some retiree in fucking North Florida was like hitting like my dad was like, I gave him your number. He was, he watched the cool thing. I'm like, what? So like, like everybody started, like hitting like my dad was like I gave him your number he was he watched the cool thing I'm like what's like like everybody started like hitting me up about it and they just made a lot of people it made it made me laugh to rewatch it. Oh I watched it I watched it the day it came out so I remember laughing that hard when we did it and I watched it the day it came

out and I couldn't and just you laughing made me laugh and I'm't, and just you laughing, made me laugh, and I'm laughing with it. And then throughout the tour, I would see people on the bus watching it and just laughing with it. And I go, what do you, and they go, I don't even know what he's saying. I know, I saw it got picked up by so many places, like, you know, blogs and...

I saw bar stool, bar stool. Yeah, we treated it. Everybody, like, you know, talking about these just two people laughing hysterically. Then I got hit up so much about it that you know I have something to show you, right? So we'll do it one by one. Oh, I forget you do this.

One by one, okay, so. So one by one. Oh, just because there's more than one item. Okay, one, okay, all right. And by the way, I'm a little shocked that Kool-Aid has not reached out. I am too. They have not gotten this much.

Can I tell you why I think they haven't reached out? Because I'm mocking the fact that you drink it. Like, I'm like, you're gonna die. And they're like, wait a minute, we don't wanna fucking. Do you know in this whole process that randomly, I got milk duds trending? No. So I put out, so like we're on the,

so you know the, you know Spokane and Tacoma, those clubs and they have all the candy in the, in the thing. And I saw you do like, which is your favorite candy? What's your favorite? What's your top five? What would you pick? And then what's the one you would never take?

Right. And so I put my top five very respectable lists, starting with Heath, Snickers, you know, very good list, Reese's peanut butter cups is number one, I think, and then I said, what's your never? And I put milk duds. And I was like, there's just, first of all, they pull out brackets. It's just a nightmare.

They're a nightmare. And then all of a sudden, everyone started trashing milk duds, right? And they got tricked. And I started trending and then milk duds. Hershey's got fucking, was like, what the fuck? So they started tweeting at me like, you're talking shit about milk, but it's,

you know it's one, by the way, shout out to the one guy who kind of puts it out of this fight, but you know, one guy runs her social media and he's like asking an opportunity. Let's light them up. And he was like coming at me from the Hershey's account, from the Kit Kat account, from Skittles, John Renter, he loves it.

Yeah, he's like, everyone's attacking me. And then I wrote back, hey, real cool milk does, you had to get your big brother Hershey's and Reese's peanut and Kit Kat to come after me and your little sister Jolly Rancher And then he just kind of stops you like this isn't worth it You know summoning and exactly stop it. We're having enough problems with milk duds They fucking suck all right god damn it get rid of milk duds and then the one guy that's making milk duds Just a little chocolate drops milk duds by the way night, we had a fucking pack of milk duds.

They're not that bad. Are KitKats on your yes list? They, yeah, I love KitKats. I love KitKats. What was your top five? My top five is always Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Now Reese's Pieces are actually my favorite though.

Reese's Pieces are the shit. The shit. Way better. The shit. Way better than M&Ms. Yes. Peanut covered M&Ms are probably the best I would still for me. I'd still vote Reese's pieces. Do you remember when that was you know, that's just

fucking ET That's ET. Yeah, so first time I ever had them was an ET Reese's pieces came out. It's snickers are the shit Snickers take shit to the next level. It really does. It's such a great candy bar where you're like. It's all this shit was around by the way, like around my house. Easily you'd wheel me in here.

You're like, hey, I would, I would, I just never stop eating it. I can't have that around. I am obsessed. Now I wanna do sweet candies. Yeah. Because like, someone that was arguing with Skittles might be the best sweet candy ever.

Let me tell, let me see if you like this or not. This is the one that I had designed for. Go ahead and pull it up. Can you make it big? Packed with vitamins, the red flavor, low calorie, cool aid. I love that shirt. I love that shirt. Backed with vitamin C. That's the big argument point for you is that it's

times of vitamin C in it. So that one is- Red flavor, low calorie. Who did that? Cam, my buddy Cam, at the time, I was like, I'm gonna say,

I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say, So that one is in the labor. No calorie. Oh, who did that? Cam, my buddy Cam, at Canvas Design, did a nice job. Oh, that's fucking hilarious. And then we did a company that was a second shirt because so that's me. That's so much sugar. That's so much sugar.

Great, fuck it. As he was really wanting that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's so fucking great. That's so much sugar. Oh, that's awesome! So they're both in the store if you want, everybody was here. Oh, those are fucking great! Oh yeah, they're both in the store. If you want, a lot of people were like, where is the cool laid merch? Obviously can't write cool laid on it.

So that's what it is. Oh, fuck yeah! That would be as crazy as me selling something that said, like, Mickey Mantle. You know? That was like episode one or two. Oh, yeah, that's what it is. Oh, fuck yeah! That would be as crazy as me selling something that said like Mickey Manel, you know

That was like episode 102 of this the two things the two things Someone pointed out that I missed you saying this last episode when I go you are Jordans with shorts and you're like Yeah, yeah, and I go who the fuck where's Jordans with shorts? And you're like I'm pretty sure Michael Jordan in every day Yeah, and I go who the fuck where's Jordan's with shorts and you like I'm pretty sure Michael Jordan every day Yeah, all the people that you know buy them for what they're for The day I came in with the Mickey Manel Jean shirt and you're like and you're like this is for say new words And you go I go do you have a licensing agreement and you're like for what? And you go you can't just use someone's likeness upon a shirt and I go, I'm pretty sure you can and you go, I can't make sure it's a same.

And you weren't in and I went, oh, that does make sense. Oh, oh, yeah. Oh, I fucking missed this podcast. Yeah, man. I can't believe it's ending. So, I know. I fucking missed this podcast. Yeah, man. I can't believe it's ending. So I know. Yeah, it was It was That was the hardest time. Do we oh yeah? Well, you so tell us what happened here exactly Nadov?

Yeah, so what happened is that on Amazon, you know people started looking up all this cool-ade stuff and So people started writing some reviews of Cool Aid. Uh-huh. Yeah, because basically, like, you can look that up. If you want cool aid, you can just go to Amazon and just be like, hey, you know, and then what are the reviews? So then some of the reviews now are like, for just, this is just if you pull up Cool Aid on Amazon.

Makes you feel like a machine. There's nothing like crushing 220 eight ounce growlers of sugar free cool aid by days. And I enjoy sipping it while watching out of control men eat ice cream cones just laughing to myself. I mean, they look so silly looking their ice cream as I look on with my red Kool-Aid mustache It's easy to work into your day double-eyes coffee walking on the treadmill with red wine Pool bath and mix up your gallon of cool-aids for the day. You've earned it. You're an athlete

Watch out for those Delphi mega athletes posing as bus drivers. Oh those guys would give you a nightmare's Of thinking if you of thinking you can you can dance. Oh my god. Oh my god. That is fucking hilarious Oh, that is hilarious. Hey D.A. Watts. You just killed it man. You made me that party shit. That's so funny Fuck you fucking lost a foot race to run your driver That's so funny. Fuck you fucking lost a foot race to run your driver. I never thought the best part of that video, the best part of that video is like when he proposes

the idea of doing it and then the video cuts to you, you're like, I'm gonna kill him. It's like, that's so content. By the way, he does no exercise. I can tell. Yeah, I know. And he was super confident. It came from out of nowhere. I was watching. I was I know. And he was super confident. It came from out of nowhere.

I was watching. I was like, I think he saw. He kind of reminded me of you. I know, I know, right? Yeah. A little bit. I think that's why we get along so well. It's because we both have this like real shit talk.

You guys bicker, do you guys fight sometimes? Oh, yeah. I said in the video I go, you'd never guess he's my employee. He doesn't talk to me like I'll pay him at all. I know. He talks to me like he pays me. Yeah. He, what happened was we got it with a crawfish boil.

So I get up right now runs losing his fucking shit. And by the way, punching his brother in the arm going, shout out to Ron. Just bullshit. Shout out to Ron because I also saw the Instagram story when he was like, he can, Tom can dance better than you. And you were like, no, he was like, I'm black.

He's like, he's like, yes, he can. And what's interesting to me about Ron, he very seldomly pulls the race card. Hall. Hall. Hall. Hall. He's, so we go, so he sees me go work out.

I run five miles, right? On the treadmill in the RV park, in the hot pouring sweat. And so I come out and then we have a crawfish boil. I eat in arguably about two pounds of crawfish, four pounds of crawfish. I mean, my pile of crawfish was so fucking big. I've killed four Tallboy IPAs, and I'm done for the day.

I'm tapped out. I'm about to make it to those in soda. And Ron comes in like a fucking firefly off a chain link fence. Just get your shoes off that boy. And he's like, I'll be sure to put a race. I got every, I don't mean it was so out of like, I'm just talking a vote race. I got everything. I mean, it was so out of like- He was talking a lot of shit. But it was out of the kind of nowhere.

Like almost like someone had built him up. Yeah. And he came in and I started laughing so fucking hard because I'm like, here's the thing. Why don't you guys race by the way? It was hilarious because you both were in a race running completely upright, almost backwards. You guys are-

Yeah. I gotta be honest with you. I'm almost backwards. You guys know? Yeah. I gotta be honest with you. I'm gonna be real honest with you. He beat me the second he put his money on the counter. What do you mean? He got my head. Oh yeah? Yeah, like, I couldn't stop laughing,

because I couldn't stop laughing at the idea that he was so confident that it's like, when you tell someone you're gonna beat them and you go, you know, it's an interesting thing. It's like, when I, when I taunted Joe during sober October, and he flipped a switch. I totally flipped a switch. And I was like, I was like, wait, what?

I, I, we were just playing around. I think he thought, I'm not gonna let, but you're on to me, he was, I'm not gonna let happen. The game's over. You want a fucking compete, we're fucking competing. And he goes, no more humor. Let's fucking hurt each other. And you're just like, whoa, when Ron put his money

on the thing, I was like, I was like, that's his money, that's $1,000, there's a lot, like, how the fuck, and I was like, I think he might be able to beat me. Like I think there's something, I don't know about this. The doubt crept in your head. Well here's the deal, he told me this after, he goes, he was always growing up, he was always the fastest kid on every team.

And you don't ever lose speed. Despite how fat you might get, you don't ever lose speed. I've never been fast. Even when I was skinny, I was never the fastest kid on the team. So even probably at my lightest, I may have a hard time beating Ron because fast is a different twitch. It's like, you do lose your, you're carrying out weight,

you're gonna run slower. But I think he looked at me and thought, wait for weight. He could be me. You guys like about the same weight? No. I don't know, probably, probably. Same height or no? No, I'm not saying height, I don't think.

But we're probably the same weight, I guess. But I don't know, I'll call him, I'll, I know, he'll answer. Fucking, fucking Ron. Ron, he beat, the second he put his money down, he beat me. Yeah. Because I was like, it was in my head.

I'm talking about you. You called me, dude, you called me, you go, I lost a Ron of a fuck race. Dude, I was on the, I was on the fucking, I was on the starting line going like, there's no way I'm gonna win this. I remember, really? Yeah, because I was g the fucking, I was on the starting line going like, there's no way I'm gonna win this. I remember really, yeah, I was giggling too much. Like I wasn't competitive, I was giggling, going like,

I gotta turn this on. And then the first one where he called that I started off off the line, that's fucking bullshit. Like I did not start off the line, he just didn't have a good jump on me and he called bullshit. Ron's always gonna load the race So that he he's gonna set up the cars. He'll never gonna race you in some shit. He can't win it like you're gonna be like Like he's like let's go one-on-one basketball. I'm like What's up, buddy boy? Hey, hey, we're talking about the foot race. I'm doing two bears one cave with Tom

What's up, Ron? Hey, man, I'm happy now. We're talking about how you smoke big old Burton that race Wait, when was that was that was that was that the cheeseburger with the poblano on it with the onion rings? Yeah It looks fucking I told you that I want I want to take him up against a beaten Bobby flight Okay, he can cook. I look good. That look good. So wait, Ron, how much do you weigh now? I think about 240 to 42 you're with the same weight. We're the exact same weight

Okay, I'm trying to get down to about between 220 maybe 215. Oh That's my dream. I don't run. That's my dream weight We can do it together. Fuck yeah, we can. I want to know that rematch. I want to bet on the rematch. No, no, no, he, no, he, look, I, Ron, this is what I said. And tell me if you think you're right,

I'm right on this. I go, the second Ron put his money on the table, he won. That he, you were in my head. You what's that? Yes. Yes. And so, so you want to know how he said the rematch? How?

He goes, he goes, you want to rematch? And now in my head, I'm like, yeah, I want to rematch. And he goes, and this is how he said the rematch how he goes He goes you want to rematch and now in my head. I'm like yeah, I want to rematch and he goes and and this is when he won the second time He goes we'll do it in front of your house so I can beat you in front of your kid. Oh my god Who wants to come who wants to lose in front of your kid? Nobody. No way. It's bad enough he lost in front of our team. The whole team was there. Yeah. He lost in front of them.

We did to lose again in front of his wife and kids. It be over. Hey, over. What was your what was your game and ship? Because you got to admit, I did not start this. You started it. What was your game? I remember, I remember how we got started start this you started it. What was your And see, it's one thing you gotta learn about me. When I put money on the line, I know I'm a winner.

Wait, Ron, who would win between you and Bert one-on-one basketball? Oh, I'd kill him. I'd kill him. I'd kill him. I'd murder him. Because he'd probably be better off if we get baseball. I don't know if I got my swing anymore. I played high school baseball. He said he said Ron thinks he could beat me in basketball

one on one. Okay, I would reject that my ridiculous salary. You two we salary that I would be him in basketball hands down. We can play the 10 we play the five. Make it easier yourself. Because if you don't score every time you get the ball, it's a wrap. How about I'll give you the ball first and I'll give you the ball first. See, this is how he wins. It's it's you. He's already in your fucking. How about now, Bert, Bert thinks he's like a gracious swimmer. Could you beat him in swimming?

No, you know what? I think I give him a run for his money and I think he would agree with it after watching me swim and you talk. He goes, Ron called me a racist because I saw him do the freestyle. Yeah. And I go, you can legit swim. He goes, yeah, you're a racist. You didn't think I could do a freestyle. I just didn't expect it. I put it to you like this time. After we drop this way, I think I can beat him in the pool. I don't think I can beat him at the weight. I'm at right now because he swims almost every day.

All I want, I'm just trying to say, I want all this shit filmed. I want the swimming contest. I want the new foot race. I want the one-on-one basketball. Ron, for the people listening, tell him one time who's the better dancer. Oh, fucking Tom Saguaro. Hands down. ball run for the people listening tell him one time who's the better dancer oh fucker time for Gora you know what I think that's how this shit got started fuck it first of all first of all runs delusional okay we run into gym

zones and camera on at a next game next game and Ron goes now man I like to be on tour with them and go to games with them I go then I can take their bus driver to a fucking basketball game. He goes, the fuck they aren't. I go, the fuck they aren't, Ron. I go, I'm the only one getting you quartz. I think it's to a fucking next day. I'm bad by, though.

If I win a draw for Tom, Tom, go on a hang out with it. Okay, this is not a draw. Ron, Ron, I will tell you right now, Tom would love you as much as I love you. If not more. And you know what, Tom? What was so cool about the friendship, the burden I have outside of our work relationship. Yeah, it became natural. Yeah. I don't know if he told you I thought he didn't like me. And I thought he was gonna fire me after our first

week. How come? I thought I was good. Why? I have problems, you know, torn man. I have problems with the bus. I was good? Why? Well, I have problems, you know, torn man. I have problems with the bus. I was trying to get everything, but I hate to say this on the show, but I impressed the boss. And I consider the boss, Leanne Christ. She's the one who calls the shot.

Yeah. Leanne fell in love with me. Yep. So I impressed Leanne with what I was doing, but I thought Bert did like, and she told me in the end that he was, that's just the way he was until he wore a rub to you. But our friendship morphed,

it wasn't forced. It wasn't like I was trying to be his friend. Right. So we're just being me. When you, you when you start was he standoffish was he like just not saying much. Yeah, yeah, you know short with me You know and then like the first weekend the first night we had a dad on the bus with us. Yeah, yeah Who's called yeah, that first weekend was just kind of rough. Yeah, it was my rough man And through headed off real well me and So that the first weekend was just kind of rough. Yeah, it was my rough man and Drew headed off real well me and

through it. Nice. And he's good. It all real good. The first weekend, the second weekend, he started kind of the warm up. I screwed up again. No, the second week, I left him standing at O'Hara Airport for like 15 minutes. And I know that kind of pissed me off and then I was like, okay, this is it. This dude's gonna put fire leaves on me. I'm in a computer. Stupid ass black dude from South Central LA don't know nothing. But I think our turning point is I thought he tried to fucking kill me Tom.

He had me one of the 5K racing to Moe and Iowa. You did? That's when I fell in love with Ron, is because I go, he finished in the top fucking 80, and we were running it, and all of a sudden, he fell right behind us, and we said, how did you do that? And he goes, oh, I just cut through those woods.

I was, dude, I had deer running in front of me and shit, just scared and shit out. I said, what the hell am I doing with these three white guys and a black guy Ron's got Ron's run runs run run of 5k and Jordans with a towel over his shoulders just bitten game at fat white chicks who aren't running either Clean it up clean it. Trying to get a pink though. Oh my God. Hey, you know what? That the offer still stands in, you know, we can bring Tom what is Tom? My brother owns a girl and I want to go here. We nice. Next week or two week after.

Yes, Hey, Tom and I are in on that. We want to go to that run. We set that up. OK, you guys let me know what days you're free. Yeah, my brother called so we can take a ride out there. You guys can take a tour post on an Instagram. There's a shout out to what not. And who's your brother's partner?

Can you say? I would rather not okay, okay, okay, all right. I'll talk all right. I'm gonna finish up the episode I'll talk to you later brother. How you feel you feel good? You guys take it easy take care, bro. You feel good? Yeah, oh, that's so fucking great perfect perfect. All right, brother. I love you. I'll talk to you later All right, I love you too, man. Bye. So we all got the coronavirus tests, so we're all texting each other in the morning on how you feel, because it's still been within the 14 days.

Sure. Ron getting a coronavirus test is the funniest thing I've ever... What did you do to swabs? Yeah, we did the swabs on the nose. In the nose. And Ron has a problem with needles, and he has a problem with... Tom, I've never laughed so fucking hard in my life. So they go, we're gonna do a nasal swab, and he has a problem with, Tom, I've never laughed so fucking hard in my life.

So they go, we're gonna do a nasal swab and he goes, I ordered one mouth swab and they're like, there's no such thing. And he just fucking loses it. They do this thing. I'll show you the video. And he gets, at one point he tells the nurse, like, oh fuck, come on bitch!

And so then, it's just this Japanese nurse, like really small, kind of cute, with a big mask on. So then this is my favorite ever, so we all have to get blood. And he goes, I'll get it out of the hand. And they're like, we don't do it out of the hand, we do it out of the arm. And he goes, no, I go out of the hand.

And then, so they look for a band in his hand, they can't find my coat. Can we just do an arm? I'm talking to Ron. I'm holding a picture of Martin Luther King up for Miranda look at for power because he's freaking out his panicking You're holding up a picture of MLK. Yeah, yeah, we have a picture I'm okay that we found one time we did a sketch and we bought ended up buying the picture me and Ron it was just anyway

so He's about to give blood and he looks at me and he goes I'm not good with this arm shit I said really and he goes, I'm not good with this arm shit. I said, really? And he goes, last time someone took blood out of my arm. I knocked the nurse out and this Japanese woman's with the needle just looks up like, oh, and I am crying. He's the funniest fucking guy in the world.

If you take a bus door, I would go take Ron with you and you will laugh. And by the way, it's like, it should be known is that like, what's cool about Ron? Is he does his job, like he does his job, like he shows up, he shuts his Dory drives. He's not like trying to like be a part of the, like he'll talk if you wanna talk to him

while hanging out and stuff, but he's working. He like legit, that's what I love about people that can do their job 100% and then fucking hang. Like if we gonna go float the Rio Grande, he's like, no, I'm too tired. I gotta work, I gotta drive tonight. But if you're doing something fun, you're like, I'll have some crawfish,

but I gotta get to bed soon. Like he does his job first and foremost. I fucking love it. Does he work for one of the bus companies? Yeah, he works for, I think he can do everything. He's got some works at senators and all that. But for this run, we just did, yeah, it was, it was dude, a lovely guy.

Yeah, that's great, man. I love that you guys did that race. So one the guy. Yeah, that's great man. Yeah. I love that you guys did that race. So, one of the things also, a lot of people have noticed, they call you a hypocrite because they say the audacity of this man to say that when you see someone eating ice cream, they're a child. Right, you said that. Like, when you know someone's a mess, if you see the meaning ice cream, and then they

said, you know, juxtaposed against you drinking a gallon plus of cool A today. And then you said that you actually broke and bought ice cream. So right before I left, I, I remember wasn't even thinking about the conversation we had with Nidav and you. Right before we left, I was filling blood pressure. I know, fucking blood pressure medicine. Yeah.

Dude, I lost my voice the second I got to say. You sounded terrible. The first time I got on stage, I was so excited. I lost my voice that first show. And then ever since then, I think a lot of I had to do with allergies. It was like my vocal cords were just clogged the entire time.

I had a hard time talking this tour. I would know how I'm gonna approach this next one. Very slowly, meticulously. Build your vocal cords. Cause you go in and you just jam them. They're like, yeah, we haven't been working at all. Right. So the day before I left,

I was going to get blood pressure medicine and I'm at right aid. And I go and they have Ben and Jerry's stacks of the thing. And I went, you know, I'm gonna do it with my surprise girls. I'm gonna get them Ben and Jerry's. And I'm gonna load up the fridge with Ben and Jerry's and then go, hey while I'm gone, guys enjoy some ice cream.

You know what I'm like, every time they have ice cream they'll think about me. So I get all these Ben and Jerry's. So I come home off the road and I have a little bit, I know I'm gonna get shit about this. I have a little bit of a process of detoxing off the road. Like I take a half a milligram, so I have half a milligram Xanaxes, I take a quarter of a milligram So I have half a milligram's annexes.

I take a quarter of a milligram of Xanax, the first night that I don't drink, just so that I'm like, I know that I won't drink if I take it. And it kind of lets me relax, go to sleep, get a good night's sleep. So I take a half a milligram, I have a quarter, what a quarter a milligram,

and I start feeling really good right away, really good, right? So then I'm like, I bet if I took a quarter, what a quarter milligram, and I start feeling really good right away, really good, right? So then I'm like, I bet if I took a little nibble of an edible, then I could just kinda, on top of that. And no alcohol, just a little nibble of an edible. Yeah, so I take a little nibble of an edible. And I don't really have. So you have the quarter bar in you.

Yeah, and then you have a little nibble. It's called the joezy escoctail. Yeah, that's what he's like, what you do is you take a thousand milligrams of THC and you have a baby aspirin. I'm gonna take a baby Xanax, just kind of take CSI, you do it, it takes the edge off. So I take a little bit, a little nib, and then I get the taste of chocolate in me, right? Mm-hmm. I go into the living room and the girls are eating ice cream and I went, ooh, I wouldn't

mind that. I said, what have we gotten there? And they were like, uh, Stephen Colbert's brand or whatever. I don't even know what it is. It's like waffle cone chocolate. So I go, whoa, I wouldn't mind a little bit of this. So I start eating fucking ice cream. And I'm high and I'm on a Xanax and I am, I feel, I got it. I was like, I'm such a fucking hypocrite. This is so enjoyable. It is as enjoyable, if not more enjoyable than a beer or a wine. It is, you're like, every bite your brain starts going, oh, come on, more, I'll give me more. I know what I'm saying.

You had made this discovery at 47. I'm not, I've always thought ice cream is a irresponsible decision. I think it's just, it's like when you've been trying to lose weight your whole adult life, you're like, who the fuck is ice cream? And then you eat it and you're like, oh, this is the same person who's an alcoholic. It's just you're doing it a different way.

You're totally like, oh, I've given up. Yeah, I don't care. Yeah. And then especially if you're not drinking, you go, well, I'm definitely not gonna have, you know, 800 calories drinking tonight. Right. Why not have 350 and be in hog fucking heaven?

Well, how much ice cream did you eat last night? I brought out the ice cream before the meals, so far. Were you the pint? I brought out the brownie one that they have. We have chunky monkey, we got fish food, we got all these fucking ice creams and I'm like, and by the way, this is what is me. So like when I get lit up for cancel culture

and they're like, he's a hypocrite, no fucking shit. I'm aware I'm a hypocrite. I get it. I don't like it either, okay? Right, right, right. But I'm also making the point that I think the 350 calories is a little bit low of a guess because of how I know you consume. So I don't think.

Okay, I got through half a pint of chunky monkey before I realized there were bananas in it. Okay. And the my daughters watched me go, I go, there's fucking bananas. And they're like, it's called chunky monkey. And I went, I didn't think that meant bananas. So I put it down.

I was like, I fucking hate bananas. So like, you ain't have a pint. Put it in. I get another one. And then I got the brownie in it. Do the brownie is like, I mean, the brownie is like, I'm talking incredible. I'll tell you how good, I'll tell you how good I, I'm, the brownie is like, I'm talking incredible. The bread, I'll tell you how good,

I'll tell you how good ice cream, I'm gonna pause ice everyone, all the shit I talked about ice cream. Yeah. A great ice cream, like great ice cream. And I mean, and I gotta say Ben and Jerry is really does it better than anyone else because they have so much good stuff inside it.

It breaks up the ice cream, it feels like a treat. Ben and Jerry, it's a 350 calories for half a pint of the Chocobroni one I was looking at. A quarter of a pint. For it feels like a treat. Ben and Jerry, it's 350 calories for half a pint of the chocolate brownie one I was looking at. A quarter of a pint. For a quarter of a pint. A quarter of a pint. I thought that math didn't work out

because it says like 1200 calories for the whole pint. Yeah, yeah. So I, by the way, so breaking news everybody, Bert likes ice cream. Who would have thought the guy that loves cool-aid likes ice cream also? The guy that the guy that loves cool-aid likes ice cream also? The guy that ranks his top four if I've jogged the bars. I'm just looking forward to the time we come in here and you go, I did something.

You're like, you're like, I ate a gallon ice cream last night. I had a little bit of a little nibble of a zanx last night because I was feeling anxious. Because the hardest thing about the, the hardest thing about this tour is man. And I feel bad for those people going out and doing one weekends and then coming home. It was nice for me to be isolated out on the road. And if I had symptoms, I knew I had to get to a hotel and stay in a hotel.

And that was it. We just locked down your stand hotel and then you figured out from there, it would be a financial disaster for the store, but that was how you're gonna solve it. And then we did the whole tour, we got coronavirus tested, coronavirus tested, everyone, all eight of us came back negative.

So you're like, great, we're cool. But you also know, I had to quarantine, I had to quarantine for a little period of time, in the bus, in LA, like I stayed in the bus, for the July, I stayed in the bus, fifth of July, I stayed in the bus until I was like, okay, we're good, like I think we're good for the, like in the bus, fifth of July, I stayed in the bus until I was like, okay, we're good. Like I think we're good for the, like in the window

that it would show up, but it's still 14 days. 14 days is like as long as it could last. I think I talked to Drew, 80% of it, I'm clear, like there's a very small chance that I have it, but there is that chance. And man, I'll tell you what, it is a weird feeling. And I hope there are people that understand this to wake up in the morning and just go,

like, check your faculties and go, am I okay? Yeah. Because you'd wake up and you'd feel sick. Sure. So you wake up and you're like, am I okay? So I was getting anxious last night going like, I don't wanna feel like you start really obsessing about everything.

So I took a little nibble of his anix last night before dinner. Uh-huh. And, uh... Man, I got into ice cream before dinner and ended. I was telling them they're eating dinner. Liam made such a great dinner and I spun around, opened the freezer and just pulled out Tonky Monkey,

started eating it and the girl was like, what are you doing? And I was like, well, I'm done. And they're like, you don't need ice cream. And then I was like, I know if I'm getting into ice cream, it's like my thing. Ice cream is so fucking good. Wait, now by the way, I wanted to tell you, I was very impressed.

I think a lot of people were at the time. Do you think Ben and Jerry's would do not interrupt? No, you didn't, go ahead. Do you think Ben and Jerry's would do a two bears one cave ice cream? We can probably float the idea. Hey, Ben and Jerry's. We should probably do it through another channel.

Okay, go ahead. You know, we could actually have someone call. Not like, hey, hey, hey, hey, Ferrari. You guys watching. So, um, a little cool aid inside. A little cool aid inside. I was impressed as a lot of people were at the way you and the Dove worked out your situation.

When I went to take a shit on the last episode, I watched it later. You guys were both very grown up about it, you know? I read the comments. Did you read comments that people sent and Dove? I read some of them. What were the comments? It was good. I was saying you talked to a grown man, you should talk.

Exactly. You guys were like, you guys really talked it out. And then like, what were you saying? Like, I know you weren't feeling well that you need to clear your head. Yeah. I mean, like just, I don't know. I've just, like this coronavirus stuff

is like legit, been just an emotional roller coaster. Hang on, I can't hear you. Yeah. We'll don't want to say I say it again. Maybe put your headphones on. Okay, go ahead. Just this coronavirus stuff has kind of like, it's kind of just taken a toll on me.

Like I feel like in the last two weeks, I have went to the clinics and gotten tested at least two or three times, like just everything. And like I'm always, I'm being pulled in like so many different directions. I just wanted to talk to you about if like it's, like I don't know,

I just feel like I kind of like need a couple days off or something, like we could talk about when and stuff, but. Sure. I mean, yeah, it's, I feel like I just need to like clear. You need a couple days off? Yeah, I need to clear what's in between the years, you know? Yeah, sure, man.

I mean, if you can, you know, have the guys here take over what you do. Yeah, I mean, if it's okay with you, I mean, it doesn't have to be immediate, but maybe, I don't know, we can talk about it. Yeah, I think in the future, we probably do this off air. Oh, for sure. Yeah, is this a bit?

Okay, yeah, no, I was like, all right, man. Yeah, take your days off, man. All right, so, sorry, I didn't mean to do it off. It's okay, it's okay. I'll tell you this, Nadav, I don't think enough people are crediting people's sanity and lack thereof to this coronavirus. I think a lot of people go,

well, I don't have this coronavirus, I'm fine, but I'm watching it online. I mean, we've been texting about it online. It's super stressful. You go through that phase of like, what is this? You're shocked and then you go through like, I said I went through like,

I think I bought like 25 pairs of shoes. I'm like, what am I doing? I think it was like a coping thing. And then you get into the exercise phase, then you get into like the eating and booze. And like all of it is like uncertainty, you know? Yeah, oh, 100%. I know that I have not been processing anything properly at all like I feel depression for Ila because I feel like

She's not gonna get to start high school the way everyone should start high school. Yeah, I feel depression for Georgia Cuz I go well her junior year's gonna suck like like she's got one more like I feel depression for So we you know, I talked about this, but we build a house and it's or we bought a house and we can't do what we're going to want to do because of Lockdown problems and all these things. It's all the sudden life's on hold for everyone and but you're still getting older and you're still possibly getting ill and you're still possibly passing away. Yeah, and My sanity was not good. I was totally fine on this tour and then I had an incident where I shit all over a wall and I was totally fine on this tour, and then I had an incident where I shitt all over a wall, and I went into the bus, and I said, I was joking. I was like laughing, because I shitt all over a wall,

and all over a toilet, and I had to clean it up, and it was really, like it was like, I had done this since like six grades, and I, I mean, there's a moment where I looked in the mirror, and I was like, we got a problem, buddy. Like, I'm like, it looked at myself naked, and I just got, I'm like, are you shittin' the wall? I had a long story. I can like, we got a problem buddy. Like, I'm like, it looked at myself naked and I just kind of, I'm like,

you're shit in the wall. And a long story. I can't really tell you all the details. Okay, so, and by the way, I'm sorry, if I was short with you, you definitely take your days off, whatever you need, okay?

Okay. How was swish did I say it? Definitely take your days off. Yeah, take some days off. Do you want to do a vacation with us? Sure. No, no, no, no. Take vacation with us?

No problem. That sounds fun. No. Yeah, it's been tough because I walked into the bus after I shot on the walls and I was like, and I was still light-hearted, I was in a good mood,

and I was like, thank God Diary isn't, I was in a good mood, and I was like, thank God, Darius is in a symptom of coronavirus, and everyone looked at me like, it is! And I was like, oh my god! Did you wipe with your hand for that one? No, I did. I remember hearing, I want to say Rogan said one time, that someone shitter his wife through up, he doesn't have a problem with it,

he was like, yeah, it's just cleaning up peanut butter or whatever. And I was like, huh? He was like, he's just, I don't have a problem with the rope. I don't mind it. Doesn't bother me Don't bother me. I just cleaned it up. I was like, I'm not that guy. I was crying in a mirror going We were back here. I'm 47 and I was this is the same as six grade. Why haven't we learned anything? Probably the ice cream. Yeah. All right. We got to run It was a lot of fun. Thanks for joining us. Love you. Are we done? Yeah.

Oh, let me take my heads off. You wanna say bye? Uh, that was, there's so much more, we can talk about why can't we do our next episode? I know, it's gonna be fun. Yeah, I'll do it next time. I missed you. I really did miss you.

Yeah, you did. I missed you too, man. We gotta do this on the road where we do live ones and then, I don't know, maybe, maybe, maybe. Big show. Yeah, big shows. I like it. Let's talk about it. All right.

All right. Let me do it. Bye, bye. Bird. Tom. Tom and Bird. One goes top and swath the other. Where's the shirt?

Tom tells stories and birds, the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep the clean. Here's what we call. Two bears, one cake. No scripts to bid the booze amateur for topology. Dirty jokes, ronti humor, no apologies. Here's what the call to bears one cave.