2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 68 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: February 15, 2021

SPONSORS: - Get the new Bud Light Seltzer Lemonade delivered at https://BudLight.com/delivery - Get your first visit absolutely free at https://ForHims.com/bears - Get an extra three months of ExpressVPN for free at https://ExpressVPN.com/CAVE - Go to https://HelloFresh.com/cave10 and use code cave10 to get 10 free meals free plus free shipping! - Go to https://TommyJohn.com/BEARS to get 15% off your first order. Bert Kreischer and Tom Segura discuss the differences between raising girls and boys, road rage, their 2 Bears, 1 Sapp Super Bowl live show, Lil Nas X, Fans Only creators, and Hilaria Baldwin's accent controversy. They also put out the call to find the girls Tom's toured Rome with.

We gotta be able to find those girls. That's a great list to see if you're like, we're trying to find this person. Hey honey, didn't you live in Conan's Rome in 2000? And I've seen you smell your feet smell like shit! Turn you away, turn you syrup Michael Jordan! Oh shit. Biggie funnest actress! Biggie funnest cocktail away from Toronto.

100% I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it, I think you do though. I do not. But you could do it. I mean everybody has the capacity to do it. It's just a matter of like, you know? It's a process. They'll be cool if they had a 23 in me that you do and they go, oh here are you the no-jean?

Yeah. It's hereditary. Hey. I know that my oldest son has it. Oh, fuck up. He's like, he's like, fuck you, man. George has got it. George, a fucking puts limitations on me. Today, I go, I go listen, you know, dad's gonna be gone for a while,

so why don't we, every day, around five o'clock, we'll get together as a family, we'll maybe sit in the front yard, we'll go for a walk, go for a hike ride bikes. And she goes, well, you know, we gotta look at homework and stuff. And I'm like, stop, you don't get to tell me that. Like, I tell you to go to your homework. Yeah, exactly.

And then I remember one time I was like, oh yeah, hey, we're all getting, we're gonna bounce out tonight. We're going over to the hay slips to go up dinner. And she was like, you know Let's pump our brakes dad. Do she to Tom. I swear to God. She was in like fourth grade. Yeah, she was like Let's check to see with mom first and I was like I think they talk by my back. They do They do they definitely do I would love when you when you leave for anything coming up. They're gonna be like

I would love it. And when you leave for anything coming up, they're gonna be like, Oh, I'm already predicted that if I leave for something for a long time and I come back, they're gonna be sitting around a cauldron just going, double, double, coil and travel. Oh, male privilege is back. Yeah, male.

The Patriarchy's arrived. The Patriarchy's home. I'm gonna fuck man, man, oh the Patriarchies arrived to Patriarchy's home. I'm a fuck man. I I've said some really shitty things around our house What kind of things? Dunn brads Like you fucking tore it like Some horrible things in our house. About not. Err, I mean like if our female friends heard the way I talk privately to the end

about like my confusion with raising young women. Wouldn't go out. Oh my God, I get fucking canceled tomorrow. I get canceled. If someone can get an our Alexis cam, our Nets cam. Share it with us now. Oh, I've been, I've been, I've been out of loss.

So when you raise a girl, I thought you raised them the same. I thought you raised a girl the same way you raised a boy. Yeah. And then that was what a quality was, but it's not, it's not. You gotta raise them like a girl, but then also it gets a little confusing. I'm confused right now. Yeah, just if like when you have boys, you get to go when they cry, you go, Hey, pull it

together. Not that shit off. Yeah, the fuck you doing. I'm going to teach you how to be a man. I'm going to give you a perfect example. Okay. This is a perfect example. This is a perfect example. Okay. This is a true story. I made a bet with a child one time. Boy, we were going into the Rams game. Have I told you the story? Stop me if I told you the story. We're going into the Rams games for very first Rams games. Me and his dad have season tickets. And he comes out in the Seahawks jersey. I go, yo, what are you wearing at the Seahawks jersey for? We just got Ram season tickets. Take the fucking jersey off. Go back in, you're a Rams fan now.

He goes, no, Seahawks fan. He's maybe 10 years old. He's going into fifth grade, I think, fourth grade. Yeah. I go take the fucking jersey off and his dad shows up. He goes, what the fuck are you wearing at jersey for? He goes, so your house's gonna win. I go, bet you they aren't.

He goes, bet you they will. I go, how much you want to bet? And he goes, you name it. I got a betcha they aren't. He goes betcha they will. I go, how much you want to bet? And he goes, you name it. I said 200 bucks. He goes, done. I said, you don't have 200 bucks. And he goes, pick it. Go to my room, pick anything out.

And I saw one thing in your room. I want your hair. He said, what? And I go up the ramps when I get to cut your hair. And he goes, deal. I go, hold on buddy. Think this through. He goes, deal.

I go, hold on. Stop. And his dad's already laughing. His dad's like, deal, I go, hold on buddy, think this through. He goes, deal, I go, hold on, stop. And his dad's already laughing. His dad's like, hey, listen, you should really think this out because this is a bet. And I'm gonna let you do this, you're gonna learn. Because I think, he goes, I really think the C-Octor are gonna win, so I think he'll take birth's money. But, I'm gonna make birth give you his money.

But if birth wins, then you gotta give the hair. You gotta, he gets to cut your hair. And he goes, deal. And he goes, take a beat. Think about this. Yeah. And he goes, Dad, I don't need to think it over. And he goes, okay, make the belt with Bert and shake on it. We shake on it. And I start crying laughing. Right. We're all the whole family drives in one car to the Ram's game where all I'm doing is googling bad haircuts. The whole time, the whole game, I'm getting drunk, still I'm not even watching the game, I'm Googling bad haircuts.

Just the worst haircuts you can think, the Ram's fucking win, I am now wasted, okay? We are driving back, school starts the next day. That is a very important part of the story. School starts the next day. The moms are not really privy to what's going on. I am fucking wasted, we go to my house, We get my clippers. We put him in the backyard He doesn't give a fuck. He lost. I'll give a shit. I'll give a ship

First thing I do is I cut his bangs to look like simple Jack, right? So they He looks at me and he goes Does it look cool? Does it look cool? I know you didn't think about this, but... You know... I wanted to cut your hair! That's what happened when I cut your hair.

I cut your hair. No, I cut your beard and you looked up and you go, Does it look good? Me and his dad are crying laughing, crying laughing, fucking sobbing laughing, right? We're videotaping all of this. And I go, oh, this mom not pissed yet? The moms were inside.

They have no idea. I know what's going on. The girls were outside. All the girls were outside. And I go, buddy, you thought the bet was, my biggest joy in life would be to cut your hair? Like it was a privilege to cut your hair? I said, no, I'm fucking your head up.

Yeah, I'm trying to ruin it. And he goes, wait, why would you do that? And I said, you should have thought about all the angles. And then the moms came out and they were fucking lit. Of course. And my head, I'm like, we're so fucking boring. Yeah, I go, I go. We're just going to shave his head anyway.

Like, it's easy. You can give him a nice buzz cut. It's going to be fine in my head. But the thing is to raise a man, you gotta let him see all the angles, 10 cup, remember when the guy goes, I can hit a seven iron further than you can, and Don Johnson goes, I bet you can't,

hits it 170, and then he goes, and then hits it down the road and he lost the bet. That's how you raise a man, how you don't get into stupid wagers, which I've been in the majority of my life. Yeah, I had, there was a babysitter at our house. This is like this is probably August September something like that and I was I thought this is when you were a child and oh

It's gonna be good. No, it's like whatever seven months ago or something and we're Running with Ellis 15 yards back and forth. And sometimes I pull back and he would get to the end. He'd go, I win. I'd be like, yep. And then if I want to, I just turn it on. And then he goes, I win.

I go, no, you lost. He was like, no, I win. I go, no, I was first. So I win. You lost. And the babysitter was like, that's a, do you need to do that? I go, yeah, she goes, he's four.

And I was like, yeah, but he thinks he's winning right now. He's losing. So I should tell him that sometimes you lose. He threw a tantrum, you know, he cried. And then I was like, all right, let's do it again. And then I beat him again. And then he cried again. But then eventually, he came around.

And he got it that like, you don't win every time, you know? Or the girl you got to be like. These are the parameters of raising a young man. By the way, I know that what we're probably saying is toxic as fuck. Yeah, but that's the whole point. That's why we're number one. Yeah, first grade, Tom, I can't tell you how much that life lesson connects with me. First grade, I come home on the fastest kid in first grade.

Yeah. I beat Tony Price in like a 60 yard dash. I'm now the fastest kid in first grade. Yeah. My dad ran track and fuel for Villanova. My dad almost was like an Olympic hopeful, right? Mm-hmm. Sitting in our house, eating for-

He's got wheels then, man. He has legit wheels. Mm-hmm. So I say to my dad I'm fast kid in first grade and he goes, oh, that's great buddy. I go I'm pretty fast and he's like that's Really interesting. I go I bet I could beat you in a race He goes I bet you everything you can't and I said I'm pretty fast. I beat Tony Price and he goes I'll go shit about Tony Price because I will fuck you up I'm like no, no you won't dad. He goes let's go out front. Let's go out front. Let's race. I'm going shit about, Tony Price. Because I will fuck you up. I'm like, no, no, you won't, Dad.

And he goes, let's go out front. Let's go out front, and let's race. And I go, okay, I get down, Tom. I mean, I put my fucking kangaroos on. I mean, I got down. You ready? I'm ready. I remember so vividly, there was a cop that lived next door.

We posted up by the green fucking power box that would sit on in Florida. There would be like these being green electrical boxes. Yeah, that would just hum. And then the winner you'd lay on them because they were warm. I'm sure we got cancer from it. But I remember posting up right by there.

My dad says, on the count of you call it. And I went, I was like, no, I got the real advantage. It's that go. And I took off running. Head down, head down, sprinting. And I'm like, I am certain I'm ahead of him. I look over. I don't even see him.

I'm like, I am bone this guy. I look up and he's running backwards. And he goes, you'll never beat me at anything. I have so many of these lessons. Ready? Six great, six great. I'm playing tennis. I'm a really good tennis player at the time. Well, you know that.

Oh, yeah. So, I say, I'm really hitting him good too and I say to my dad I go I'm really really running you around and he goes well why don't we play a match well bet on something. I said okay he was what do you want I said a puppy he goes okay. A puppy I said yeah and he goes if you win you get a puppy I go all right I wanted a puppy. So he wins all right, I want it a puppy. So what if he wins? I had to move along. Oh, okay.

So we start playing and he starts fucking destroying me. It's not even funny, more. I'm like, hey, I can't hit these back. He goes, yeah, I know, you're losing. And I was like, no, but I was just beating you. He was, no, you weren't beating me. I was letting you play with me. He goes, I'm a man and this is how this works.

I don't want to, I remember him, very clearly going. I don't want a fucking puppy I'm fine. There would be a chance. That was the driver in the kicker I'm not having a puppy But there was those those are such and by the way, I'm certain that I'm certain I'm not certain there's a feminist watching our show, but there's I'm certain there's someone A rogue watching our show going this is why you're fucked up Probably but it's super easy when you raise a Boy because you go there are certain qualities you need to be a man

Just simply because look retribution sucks for us. Yeah, you learn to talk shit to people the way my wife has, yeah, with no backlash sometimes. Yeah. Hey, fuck yourself, asshole. Yeah. And as a man, they pull the car over, get out, and they're like, now what's up? And you're standing in front of your Jeep on Laurel Canyon,

and you get knocked unconscious. That's so, that happened to you? No, it happened to do it by online. That's, and I was like, that's a guy who has a- Guys, you learn, yeah, yeah. And my dad, by the way, kicked my ass in everything too. And he also, you know, he was a, he was a competitive weightlifter.

So he would also do things like, maybe like, I'm doing, you know, power cleanser. And he's like, you're doing that wrong. I was like, oh, how should I do it? Thinking he's gonna coach me. And he would be like, just watch me. And I'd watch him do it. He was do it like that. I'm like, that's not really like coaching. Yeah.

And then he'd be like, mm, and just walk away. I was like, I was really cool lesson that I learned. 11 years old, I get 26 teeth knocked out of my mouth. Yeah. I know I've told people this story. I'm catching, it's my birthday. I'm crying. Oh yeah, yeah, I remember this. My dad looks at me, he just take the gear off

and I was like, thanks. Throws me my infield glove and he goes, go play shortstop. He's like, hey, we got one out left. If I sub you out, we lose the game. Get go over to shortstop. I remember being like, but tell you what? And now, now, here's the, I'm trying to teach my daughters, I'm trying to teach my daughters

the worth in putting yourself in uncomfortable situations. Yeah. Because as both of us know, the reason, I'm not saying like, we're not the Kevin Hartz, the world, but the reason we're making a living as comics is that we've consistently put ourselves in uncomfortable situations, enough so that when we are put into another one, we're not uncomfortable anymore, we're actually used to being uncomfortable. For instance, that thing I was telling you out there

that I had to do that I was nervous. Yeah, I told my daughters, I saw I was nervous, I didn't want to do it. It scared me. Yeah. But I said, but you've been in that situation now a lot. Dude, shooting a, an Netflix special. Yeah. Nerv racking.

Nerv racking. Nerv racking. Or even these huge shows can be obviously intimidating, right? There's thousands of people at the show. Yeah. And then you got your parents in the audience or your wife's, your wife's family in the audience. There are nerves on everything.

And I said, but the more you get used to being uncomfortable, the more it feels natural to you. And then when you get worse than that, and I'm trying to have this speech with my daughters and I'm going, and then Leanne's like, do you think they got it? And I was like, I hope so. Either that or I hope they marry well.

She's like, what did you just say? And I was like, I don't know. And she was like, did you just say, I hope they marry well? And I was like, but that's a good wish to have. Why was it like, what the fuck? I was like, I'm trying to teach them to be,

is it wrong? Just to, what if they're like, but then, you're just gonna leave stuff to us. So why do we have to do that? That's my fear. That's my fear is that like, you see you're just gonna leave stuff to us. So why do we have to do that? That's my fear. That's my fear is that like you see so much shit on TikTok. Yeah. About like like fucking. I don't know. I'm not saying a name, but like, and I'm trying to get out of this, but like say a name, celebrities, daughter, is big famous person now. And then all she really has to do is do TikToks

and have her dad dance with her. And all'll send him get some million views. She comes to the influencer and she can get a deal. And I go, I wanna tell them, you know, that's not real. Like don't, that's not the goal. No. The goal is to strive. Okay, how about this? You ready for this? My biggest goal in life is to get my dad to say

was proud of me. Like my dad being proud of me was like the fucking thing. Like and I said I only could get pride out of my dad if I, if I focused, I worked hard and I accomplished something that was out of my reach. And I think they were just like, you mean like making dinner and I was like, no. But also there's still super young. You're still super young but I feel like at that age, like, no. But also, they're still super young. You're still super young, but I feel like at that age, like, and by the way, I'm not also just to be very fair,

I'm being very one sided in this. If my, you got my down on the phone, my down would be like, a buddy, you were a total fuck up. You know, and I really didn't get my life lesson speech until I was 26. Right. And I still am a fuck up. I'm still today, a big fucking fuck up.

I'm a huge fuck up. Yeah. But, like, I'm gonna loss it with raising girls that where I go. I just like, like, you can't just beat them in everything, because then you're just perpetuating the page here. I like you doing a great job, man.

Can't mansplain. Like, I was gay. All right, let's pivot, you ready? Yeah. The streets are hot right now. Mm-hmm. Today on the ride here, I had three incidents. Three incidents of road rage slash accidents,

slash almost getting pulled over. You? Yes. Didn't realize you had that. I have been driving lots. So I never knew I had road rage. And then I was like, I bet realize you had that. I have been driving lots, so I never knew I had road rage. And then I was like, I bet easy in this town. I bet Tom has great road rage.

I've lost my shit a few times. Do you know that one time I rear-ended somebody and I've rear-ended a couple people in this town, but one time I did it and I got out and I was like, what the fuck? To the person in front of me? and I was like, what the fuck? To the person in front of me? And they're like, you hit me.

And I go, yeah, because it's this fucking dick hit me. And I turn around and no one had hit me. And by the way, the person I hit hit a car in front of them, and they hit a car in front of them. So I was responsible for like five cars. Wait, when was this? 2000. Was this the What was this? 2000. Was this the Malibu?

Yes. I love that Malibu. That was the first time I realized you had tasting cars. That was one of my favorite cars you had. Well, here's the thing, that was when they did a redesign, and it actually looked like before then, you're like, this looks like shit. And they made like a cool design.

I had like a gray one. It looked good. That's a great, that's a great game. Let's look at the hottest fucking affordable cars because cars these days are not affordable. There's so much money. They're not affordable. There's so much money.

So Typen, you do the research, I'm gonna tell a story, do the research, and then you pull up top 10 affordable cars, okay, but give us a second, give us a second, and you guys do the work in there there and then when we come to you Then you'll have pictures. I don't want to put you on the spot. Yeah, okay, so let me walk you through my road rage, okay Very very very first bit of a bit of road rage is I'm trying to turn I don't want to be Off of Laurel Canyon onto a smaller street, right? I mean the Ova plane Yeah, and cars are coming this way,

but more than ample time. And I started turning and I see a guy's in the middle of the street about to walk with his Cocker Spaniel. And by the way, this is very specific to what I do in life. Cocker Spaniel with a cheap blue mask. I know this guy. He's got no respect for himself. Okay. Hey, I didn't hit a haircut in a while, I didn't really have a. Yeah, he's got no respect for himself. Okay.

Hey, I didn't hit a haircut in a while. I don't really have a hair style. It's a little curly. I hope this guy goes, I think he's talking about me. Yeah. Um, and he purposely slows down, so I'm stuck there. He like, I watch him see me and slow his dog, pull his dog back his dog now is going yeah yeah and so I Hunk four times Scares the shit out of his dog scares the shit out of him and I fucking punch it and almost hit he'll the sky I'm like fuck you. I'm about to get hit what you're doing is a bullshit move you realize I'm in the wrong I should have seen that you were halfway again. All right. I'll just let him cross all the way But I fucked up a little bit. You could be a Christian and walk. Yeah, but he didn't ask the first set of road rage and And I almost pulled around to fuck with him again. I like I'm now losing my mind like I yeah, okay

We're gonna bring racing this way to hear the next story. So hold on, don't do it yet. Surprise us. So now I'm on river side. Okay, okay, driving on riverside. I'm gonna be very, very broad stroke specifics that I think this guy might be a fan of our shows just guessing. Okay, person of color. Okay. This car looks like the kind of car they should have a shotgun sticking out of it,

pointed at Cuba Gooding's face while he holds a gallon of milk. Do you know what I'm saying? Oh, yeah. Okay, like it, okay, like it looked, it had the vibe of like early 90s, but it was a murdered out windows, tended to fuck, gold rims, lowered, loud as fuck.

Yeah. And this is what the cop didn't know. I say cop because it's got an end to it. He was fucking with me. The guy was? The guy in the car was, uh, I didn't even, sometimes you don't realize you're in the middle of road rage until it's already happening. Yeah.

And they're like, what the fuck's going on? And he flew past me, but he got so close to me. I was like, oh shit, he almost hit me. Like my car, if something gets close to me, my car will swerve out of the way. I don't know why, but it'll swerve out of the way and hit the brakes. Yeah.

And that happened, which scared the fuck out of me. And I was like, fuck. And then I was like, all right, stay with me. My rules stay away from that guy. Then he does it to another car. And I'm like, this guy's fucking driving with like, and then I was like, first of all, I get you think your car's fast.

My car's actually pretty fucking fast. So there's a big truck and he's behind the truck and I'm behind him and I punch it. I mean, all the money I spend per month in this car is worth this moment where I fly past this guy and he gets fucking pissed. Then he flies up behind me, cuts around, gets in front of me, punches his brakes, right?

Jesus. What the fuck? That's super aggressive. Get's over, takes off, and I go, fuck this, I'm gonna catch this guy. Go to hit the gas, and I see a cop. Wow. Pulse him over.

Pulse him over. That's when he started this morning. And in my head, I was like, we were kind of going the same speed, but I think the cop was like, that car looks responsible. This one looks like a man is, let's get this guy. Yeah.

It's so funny, man. It's so interesting is that I noticed that the guys, the windows were murdered out. Remember I talked to you about window tending? And the first thing you did is load it all as windows. Oh yeah. It's the first thing you did. Oh yeah.

Oh shit. I got a ticket in the Malibu at LAX. Just doing a drop off. So easy to be done with the airport cops, you know, because they just pulled me over. I was like, what's this all about? They're like, your tent's too dark. So I cut them. That's a fucking shitty ticket too.

You have to go get it and then you have to fucking show them that you did it. My heart bleeds for those airport cops because they are they deal they deal with so much bullshit wait let me change this on you real quick because we have not addressed this in like for real yet because of our schedule it's been a couple weeks now that we did the two bears one sap live show and I just want to tell you that I have not been that annihilated in a long time. The next morning, I had so much fun doing that there was so much fun. It was a blast. That was a fucking blast and thank you to Warren's app. The next

morning, yeah, Warren was just incredible, but the next morning I was like oh I got up and I was like I can't do a fucking thing and I forgot that I was having blood work at the house. The nurse came to the house. Why are we having blood work? Just test the levels of everything. So she, I guess, I don't mean a protocol of like a recovery thing or something.

Oh my God. So the nurse comes to my house. And I was like, oh hi. And I mean, she goes, hi. I love to know your liver enzymes. Oh, she's like, rough night, like right away. I was like kind of. So she pokes me and she's like, hmm, I go, what?

She goes, it's weird. I go, what? She goes, your blood is, what I put the needle in, I heard. Yeah, she goes, your blood. Let me try somewhere else. So then she switches to another vein in my hand. And she goes, are you really dehydrated right now?

And I go, probably. And she goes, what did you do? I got pretty fucked up last night. And she goes, your blood's like glue right now. Like she goes, I can't draw blood. No way. She goes, I'm gonna have to like come back. She goes, you're super.

Or you look serious. I took it to the tube. And there's like one, like blob of blood stuck to the side. She goes, that's what's coming out right now. Shut the fuck up. So we had to reschedule. And that's when you posted that video of you and the chair going,

I got fucking wasted last night. Yeah, yeah. I got fucking dude. Dude, I didn't, and then the other thing was, Lindsey took me home, and I was like, oh shit. It took me a second, I go,

I don't remember getting dropped off. Oh, that always was like, I was like, oh, I don't remember coming home at all. Yeah, I don't remember. And then you go, did I pick a fight with my daughters? Yeah, I go, Lindsay, you dropped me off. He was like, you were saying some pretty wild shit in the car. And then I saw Christine, I was like,

how fucked up was I was just like, you were just rambling and I just was like nodding. Well, you were drinking hard as fuck. I was drinking whiskey. You never drank that. Yeah. You got more need of doubles with this fork. Dude, I had so much fun on that thing. I kept I woke up the next morning. I woke that up next morning. I had a fucking part my first visit with my personal trainer. Oh my God. She was, she had a mask on, I think, because I smelled so bad.

She was like, I can smell that. And I was like, oh yeah, it's bad. Yeah. And I was like, I'm gonna have to slow down. I'm gonna throw up. And she was like, oh, okay. And so, but in that, there were highlights, my favorite moment.

And I wish we could do, can't tell you what I wish we could do, I wish we could do a highlight reel for like five bucks. Yeah. And just don't do the whole game, but just do like a 45 minute highlight, because it's a four hour game. Four and a half hours. Four and a half hours. Well, you're at four hour game, yeah, our videos, four and a half hours.

Four and a half hours, because there was my favorite moment of the whole thing was right when I started really getting a buzz and he walked out and he you were like, we've shown him a lot of gays yet. And I was like, yeah, and you're like, I think he thinks we just brought him here to fuck. I know because at one point it was like, here's the opening thing. It's a guy's dick. Here's this other neck our first commercial. It's. And by the way, it was crazy. It was like warm sap is the least homophobic person. No, he's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's

the least homophobic. And he was like, he was like, all right, what like what is this? Like he was like trying to play a lot like. And we're like, I don't know why we like this so much. He's like, he's like, it's cool, but like, what's up with being so gay? And we were like, just, you know, there were so many fucking highlights of that when I woke up the next morning. And when we do live shows, I wake up the next morning, and I just giggle so hard at the moment. Like when I go, this is the best Super Bowl ever.

Oh my god. This is my favorite Super Bowl role I've ever been at. See? I go maybe. Like, if you think, what about the one you're in? He goes, oh, that one was better. Yeah, dude, that was so fucking fun. It was, I'll tell you what, there was a lot of learning in it.

He's got, he's got a great sense of humor. His personality is like perfect for camera, Mike. Like, he, he talks. He like, he can fill air like air like I that was one of the things I noticed I was not good at well Here was then one thing I will say is that like I was turned this way to watch the game Yeah, so I never felt engaged in the conversation you guys were both looking the same way So I felt like that was you guys and you did you really did a lot of that all of the heavy lifting of the first half like you talked football

You talked All the stuff that is like really interesting shit. And I remember being like, I don't think I could be a play-by-play commentator. I was looking at these guys, I was like, they talk the whole fucking whole game. The whole game, man.

There was, so one of the bits we had during the show was something we started before the live show, which by the way, if you wanna watch it now, it's at ymhstudios.com on the Reynolds page, if you want to see it. So one of the things we did, this was an idea of yours, which was really funny, which was, we shot. Adam Ray's was the best. His was amazing.

Do you know what? So, a lot of people had us up about, oh, did mine get played. So what we did was we shot this like little promo where you're in the shower naked. Yeah And the camera pans up and then it turns and I'm watching you shower drinking you drinking a beer Then I'm drinking a beer and it was just kind of funny and creepy and weird. Yeah, and then you said ad vios So we got over 1500 submissions and we were supposed to pick three for the live show and so in and we were supposed to pick three for the live show. And so in all of the, I mean like, no,

we didn't get to to that many of them. Yeah, not even true, close. But we found, I mean, there's this one, this one really warmed my heart personally. I'll just see if I can, oh, is this, yeah. What is this? It's cool. One, let me. Okay. Yeah, what is this? It's cool

Okay Wow, yeah nice right and then What is that I'll eat your scrumptum. Who is that? So that is Valerie that get in your car girl. So she has like a I guess one of the biggest only fans accounts that there is. Yeah, and she has a big Instagram which is basically like, you know, teaser. Oh, Lil Nas got tits. Little Nas got tits?

Google Lil Nas got tits. Lil Nas got tits, breast implants. What? You guys introduced me to Lil Nas. I'm saying it right now. And Lil Nas got breast implants. He's in my... Got breast implants.

What? Lil Nas got tits. And they're fucking awesome! Not for real. This has gotta be a bit, man. I don't think so. I mean, I know- they look real. Yeah.

They do look real. Yeah, Lil Nas got tits. Do you like the way Bert's brain works? We were just looking at a check that has real nice tits. And then he was like, Lil Nas got tits. I got fucking trashed by my daughter's column, Lil Nas. I trashed you.

Oh, real? Yeah. I'm on that podcast. Dude, the weekend's awesome. That was this little weekend. You know that that's what Warren bonded with me the most over, right? Was you being like, who's this guy?

I've heard all those songs. I didn't know. Like, here's the problem. It's like, I know that I know there's a guy named Future. I know there's a guy named NBA. I know there's a guy named Tori Lanes. I know that there are all people. Yeah, I know who it is.

But by the way, if I'm very honest, I know who Chief Keefe is. I never ever heard one of his songs. I know who, you know the names of them. I know the name, I've heard the name. I've heard the weekend. Like, I've heard it, but I don't know what they do. I've never heard any of their songs.

And then when you hear a song and time to get, and that's just me, not listening to the radio. Yeah. And so, but then when you tie it and you're like, oh, this weekend guys, fucking good. That was my favorite part, is that like he kept playing number one hits and you're like, this is a fucking good song.

Yeah. You're like, this guy really can, we're like, yeah, he's doing the half time super fast. Yeah, I didn't realize that of course he's doing the half time show, he's fucking. He's a big, so wait, go back to those. Okay, let's, she has only fans. Okay, so, you know, if you've ever seen,

you ever see like, I've actually, you've had an only fan, you've been a fan on only fan, like you've signed up. I did, I did, Kristie Macco is an only fans of hers. I actually, only fans are pretty good set up financially for someone who's worried they're gonna steal their credit card. Well, I haven't actually been signed up for one. Oh, we should get a corporate account.

Okay, where we can... So this chick though, like when you ever, you go to someone who has an only fans on their social media, like on Twitter, or on Instagram, a lot of times they'll say like top, it'll say like top six percent of only fans. I'm a top, meaning like I am, I delivered the goods because I'm in a top, she's a top point zero six percent.

What does she do? I mean, I assume it's gotta be good. I don't know. What does it, what does she do? I thought one of her... It's her driving a car and doing hot girl shit. I don't fucking know. She just drives a car.

Well, like if you go to her Instagram, it's at get in the car underscore. Okay, that's what it is. That's fucking. We'll fill it up here. You can watch the good looking. Oh yeah, yeah, what am I doing on my phone? So yeah, there's her Instagram.

Get in the car. Yeah. Sounds super. So kidnabby. Right. So top, see, top.06%. Meaning, she's got to be making an insane amount of money Let me see what she does on this well. Yeah scroll down here

So like for instance keep scrolling guys Jesus Christ. I mean, I just think in like you know You you get the like look at the left one there in the overalls. Oh, right? So that's like a teaser in a way of like, hey, this is what I do, you know. That's real quick. Let's get it only fans. And let's check her out. Her only fans. I mean, is that she's not wearing anything?

She's not wearing a bra. She got really great boobs. Yeah, she does. She does. She got really great boobs and with the bad suspension, that's not a bad video. And go to like getting the car. So she is about being in a car with almost. So I think the hook, her hook is like,

she has a 68 Mustang, she likes cars, she's in the cars and then she's super hot. So it's like, her running on the beach, her running on the beach. Yeah, that's only got 6,000 likes. Yeah, I guess. But all this is just to, I'm assuming just drive people

to the only fans, you know, but smart. It is. So then so then she does porn on her only fans. I don't know if she does porn. Let's find out how quickly can you get an only found fans account? What is the over under 30 minutes for them to get an only fans? Let's see. I know I have an only fans. calendar. They can probably make it happen quicker. They had so Christy Mac had to un So here's a question. They have to you can't tether your only fans to your Instagram. Well, I don't I don't know I just know that that you know she's got to have a huge following there. I am dying to see what she does in this car Yeah, I mean like it's, sometimes it's her driving around with another hot chick and-

Oh, there's just fucking- There just, yeah, it's no flash people. So I don't know if it's just that or if it gets like, you know, racy or- All right. But hope so. Scroll down, scroll down. I hope they're picking up.

Keep going, keep going. She's really pretty. She's very pretty and like I said She loves the show. Oh Dude fucking so you know It's stuff like that Berton he's signing up. Yeah, I by the way, I need to get an only fans because I don't mind You need you need you need to provide content on only fans. No, I don't what would I do? Just be hot?

You mean to provide content on only fans? No, I don't know what would I do. Just be hot. Getting the car. I mean, she's taking her top off like, you do too. Just dude, you'd be so hot. What about you doing road rage stuff shirtless in your car?

The problem is it's like right now what's happening is this is the way I see the progression. So comics who get like gossip on their podcast, then put that on their Patreon. But I do still think that gossip gets out. It doesn't knock it out. Right. And so like, if I got an only fans

and I just started like showing you my dick, my dick still gets out. So it's like, so it's like, I don't really see the, I don't see the upside of like when they said like Was the girl some girl Actress got an only fans and then everyone got a senator because she had like the biggest only fans Yeah, unless she's sucking dick. I don't want to see your only fans. I told it So that's the thing if you're not doing actual like only fans was just like sex workers. Are you getting only fans right now guys?

We have a studio only fan. Pull it up! Get in the fucking car motherfucker! I don't think we can show her stuff on this. You can show it to us. So the, I know, we're going to talk to him after the show. I'm just an adob so much. God rest his soul.

So, the sex workers were just only fans. That was their thing. And then the fucking actress. And then the fucking actress. You write, the mainstream actress. I forget her name. Oh, that's how crazy. Like crushed it. Crushed it.

Crushed it. But didn't do anything sexual. I think everyone was like, yo, we're seeing her tits. Yeah, but she, she like missed the whole thing was that she was like misleading people right that's that's what they think so and then and but then. I feel bad for people who Here's the here's the rub about sex workers right is like I don't know sex worker I don't know what to say. I don't even know what to call them because I don't want to be offensive But like I don't think that's offensive Let's say like Lisa Ann or or

Who's the big Florida state fan this native not neighbor mayor? Middle Eastern oh Mia Mia Mia califa me of califa. Yeah, it's like she's not an active What like she deeply regrets? No, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's what I'm saying. It's like me, a califa, you can't,

porn in a weird way, cheers. Porn in a weird way is like all of a sudden, it's something that we, it's like I don't disrespect me, a califa, or Lisa Anna, who I, or Christy Mack, who says she hasn't done porn in how long? Who?

Christie Mac. Oh, she retired, she said like 10 years ago. Yeah, and then it's like, and then they pivot and do something else. Cheers. This is what I love about Bud Light Seltzer. Still can kill or work out today. Only 100 calories. Hmm.

Well, here's the thing is that you then become stigmatized, right? Yeah. It's stigmatized, but it shouldn't be stigmatized like that. And it's fuckhead boys that go like, it's the same guys that fuck you chicken and tell all their friends to bring them into work. They're the biggest assholes.

And guys are the ones who ruin the fun. So like by basically belittling or being rude or aggressive or shitty to people, yeah, doing. It's like, it's like that girl, young girl, Jesse Andrew, I say young girl, she's definitely younger than me, but she's an adult, but she's a... Adult performer? Well, it wasn't adult performer.

Now she's transitioning to being a DJ and making jewelry and she's kind of cool career, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's like other one that did that. A lot of them, fucking harder, not Sativa. Sativa, what's her name? She was in, she was in Entourage. Oh, oh, oh Sasha.

Sasha Gray. Sasha Gray. It's like oh, Sasha. Sasha. Sasha Gray. Sasha Gray. Yeah. It's like, let them transition. Yeah. Because when you let them transition, you're already, these are all guys that are probably against cancer culture. But they're trying to not allow people to grow.

Yeah. Who we like. And then that's the, who didn't like it. Who didn't like it? Who's the fucking, those are the guys who the girl is like a DJ and he's like, we just want to see your pussy. Like, you know, they'd say the, the wildest shit to them. It's like, we just want to see your pussy. Like, you know, they'd say the wildest shit to them.

It's like, let them grow. It's like, fuck yeah, we all made a ton of mistakes. That's like, these are the same guys that would defend Kevin Hart. And I'm not shitting on Kevin Hart. I don't, I would defend Kevin Hart. I made fucking horrible jokes when I was younger that I don't really want to apologize for at all.

But I'm sure I would have to if I got fucking caught up and hooked in the Oscars. They would defend Kevin all, but I'm sure I would have to if I got fucking caught up and I'll do the Oscars. They would defend Kevin Hart, but they won't, but they'd call out Mia Califa and go, they didn't use the suck dick and you're like, oh yeah, you're like, hey, stop. That stuff really fucking fucked her up. Did it?

Yeah, cause I remember I saw that she did some interview, apparently she only, I guess shot scenes or something for like a couple months. And that she did some interview. Apparently she only, I guess shot scenes or something for like a couple months. And that's her whole catalog. And she hates it and regrets it and says that like, she's basically manipulated, but yeah, she had a bad experience with it.

Dude, when you talk, when you talk about like, this may get super murky. Yeah. And realize that these are brand new thoughts. So I haven't really thought these out. When we talk about grooming, like these celebrity dudes that they claim groom women. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think there's a lot of that done in like low grade porn. Yeah, of course. Like is they just trick people into, and I think the proof in the pudding is me a califa who's like, I read, I did some shit that I feel like I shouldn't have done. There's, and I'm not saying there are some people who make porn that are great people. Yeah. But there are some fucking dirt bags who have now, some have gone to prison who did dirty

shit. What is this? Get lost. So is this, is this her account? Yep. And you're not showing the audience this right? No, okay. By the way, this is so distracting. I just got off my point.

Okay, go ahead and play on that one. Oh, okay. Yep. I can see. It's very good. Yeah. Okay, keep going. Hit play.

Is that just a picture? Keep scrolling. Yeah, oh boy. Okay, keep going. Is that just a picture? Keep scrolling. Yeah, she got a great body. Okay, hit play on this one. Yep. I would have shot it in landscape, but whatever. All right, start in the car.

Start in the car. Let's hope there's some engine trouble. You got to get under the hood. See, I can enjoy this. And then also want her to be a doctor. Yeah. What's good? Or an actor, so whatever the fuck she wants to do.

Scroll down further. Oh boy. Oh, she has nipple piercings. I'm gonna need to borrow all this stuff later. All right, now go to see if you can find a only fans of a famous actress. So wait, how is it broken down? Like when you sign into an account? So you just paid for her, for a whole month. And then what do you get? Yeah, so I think she has like different tears, but I got this one for 12 bucks a month.

Okay. And the great thing is you just have, I'm not selling only things. But then like, is that like just the feed then? So like you open it and then, yeah. Is it like broken down into photos, videos or what? Yeah, so that's like a feed like Instagram or something. Okay.

And then you get access to feed for one month. And then what's great about this? What's in the feed though? Just photos and videos? Just photos and videos. It's just like Instagram, but it's just photos and videos. And then what's great about this? What's in the feed though, just photos and videos? Just photos and videos. It's just like Instagram, but it's just photos and videos. And then what's great about this is that you then, next month, there's dick ratings. You can send your dick.

Oh, dick ratings, $25. What is it? Detailed, detailed dick ratings. Warren Panning, Warren Panning's, sexting. Just keep scrolling. Warren Panning's. Wait, do we get to, do we get to, no Panies. Sexteen. Just keep scrolling. Warren Panies. Wait, do we get to,

do we get to, no, like scroll within it so I can read it. Do we get to tell her what to do in the Panies when she's wearing them? I can't read it still. I can't read it still. I can't scroll on the page. You can't roll it?

Okay. Do you get to tell her what to do in the Panies? You're like, I want you to horseback riding. I don't know. What are the things that we'd, what you'd want, if you were getting us a pair of Panies for me, for my birthday. What would be, that we'd, what you'd want, if you're getting a pair of panties for me for my birthday?

Yeah. What would be some things you're like, hey, do this. Oh, I would say go for a jog. Go for a jog. Eat Mexican. Uh, fart a lot. Sleep in them. Eat Mexican in the middle of a juice cleanse.

Yeah. And then please vacuum seal it and send it to Bert. Uh, I would like same pair of panties for one week. And I'm gonna plan out like a reality shows of list of events for her to do. I'm ordered to swim in the van. Same pair for a pair of balls. It's intense.

Direction achieved. All right. So wait, go to it, go to like a famous actresses only fans. It's gonna be terrible, right? Well, I'm curious, by the way, they're showing their tits, it's not. No, but that's what's in the industry.

What's in the industry? Someone who we all love, like Heather, that lady that was in, Oh, this is the one. That's the girl who shut it to the... That was the one. She's the one who, hello, how much is hers? $5.

She's the one that shut shit down. Bellothorn? Yes. $5? Perchist. I don't even care if there's tits on here. Well, she's the one that shut shit down. Bellethorn? Yes. $5? Purchased. I don't even care if there's tits on here. Well, she's the one who's the one who's the one who's the one. Purchased out of curiosity.

That's where she fucked us, Tom. I purchased it. Yeah, look at that. Look at that low header right there. Yeah. Did you purchase it? Let's scroll by Lathorns. And I'm gonna give you an ultimate thumbs up.

Subscribe for $5. That's brilliant. That's brilliant Bellathorn she just said five dollars five dollars to roll the dice. Okay, see if you get subscribed We're subscribed see here we go. Oh cute freckles. Oh, she's beautiful. All right. By the way, let's start Let's start right now. Oh hello. I mean, that's a good introduction. I'll tell you right now I don't know who Bellathorn is I Definitely believe you I definitely believe you. I don't know who Bella Thorne is. I definitely believe you. I definitely believe you.

I don't know one thing she's been in. She is very pretty. I hope she's 18. Hey, can I ask you a question? She please. No, Zolo. Yeah. This is a corporate account we have.

Yeah. The studio account? This is a studio. There's a studio only fans account. And what's our login? Yeah, no, no I want to know more about this who opened this We did a we did a bid on why make for while we go comparing or PC's only fans to Famous adult actresses so we open this then can we see our PCs? Wait, wait, wait, scroll down. Let's see. I want to see ones that

go down a little quicker. She'll see if there's anything good on here. No. No, don't thorns, whatever. I know. She's very pretty, but like, come on. It better just be. She's really pretty. She's very pretty. Of course, she's very pretty. Okay, hit a video. Hit a video. Let's see a video. Okay. Yeah, let's see. Been seeing this eye around and I kind of fuck with pretty. Okay, hit a video, hit a video, let's see a video. Okay, yeah, let's see. Been seeing this eye around and I kind of fuck with it. Okay.

I mean, I'm not asking Bell authority at naked, but more, okay, go lingerie, go back. lingerie play, up one, up one, up one. Have you never fucking, okay, here we go. Okay, oh, it's just a loopsy or whatever. Okay. Okay. Oh, it's just a loop C or whatever. Okay. Okay. I'll tell you what, $5, probably worth it.

I mean, yeah. She's beautiful. But it's like a magazine. It could be on Instagram. She could see it and put it this on Instagram. Yeah, I don't know what it's on Instagram. I'm not mad at her. Do we get any nipples on not trying to degrade Bellathorn,

but let's be real about what only fans is. Do we get any- I mean, it's clear- Oh, the fuck is Bella Thorne? She is really pretty. Is she in anything? Yes. What's she in? Uh...

Star Wars? I don't think she's in Star Wars. What was she in? Marvel movies? She was dating the weekend? Scroll up. Does it say she's dating the weekend? I don't know.

Go go go. What'd say weekend? Oh, Wicca PDR, I read that all. Oh, sorry. Okay, wait, go to RPCs, please. By the way, I've never, oh no, once I get... She's, find me one movie, Bella Thorne's been in and I've ever heard of.

Shake it up, midnight song, famous in, the babies that you get me, I still see you, her and him. Wait, she's never in any I don't know any of these fucking movies. Hey, go I don't know and I really don't know any of these movies. These are all movies. She's in Yeah, Jesus How does anyone know who Bell of Horn is? They're 20 years younger than you. Oh, these are all movies people watch though like unbeatable

Big egg city. We're good. RPC. So. By the way, Bella, if you're watching this, I don't mean to shut on you. I'm trying to get that out of my life. I wanna talk positive about negative, like things that people always talk not negative about.

You're gonna talk positive about that. I'm gonna talk positive. We'll try it on another episode. I'll have you list up a piece. Are those all the accounts we subscribe to? Yeah, I mean, we've unsubscribed since then, but for the segment, yeah, we did. Let's do a short list, read off the names of who we've given subscriptions to on a corporate account.

Subscribe to me from my home. Alexis Texas, I see there. Alexis Texas, sounds so subscriberable. Oh, Adriana Chechik. Oh, wait, hold on, hold on. We do, we ever, I would, how, okay. She's gotta be a top, top, right? Adrianna Chechic has gotta be fucking,

no, it doesn't say. How much is a subscription? You can do five bucks. Five fucking bucks, I got 20 in my pocket. I'll give you 20 bucks. I wanna pick four more subscriptions. Okay. I bet Adrian Chetchik goes hard as fuck.

I love that her bio is like, I love to hike and I have two dogs. Pfft. Can I tell you? Okay. I one time met a playmate. She told me, I know I've told you this. She told me that she, I was like,

so what are you like doing? She goes, that's so funny. They just asked me on my spread like all my I'm gonna do to be a centerfold like what my hobbies are And I know it. I like holding my breath I like holding my breath and then I couldn't stop laughing and she is not she did not find it funny And I was like you just are you doing it right now? She's like, no, I'm breathing. And I was like, tell me when you do it. She's like, no, that's not what it is. And then someone's like, hey man, she's into deep, like free diving.

And I went, oh, what's a little different sentence? You know, I got men to free diving. I swear to God, in her bio, it said, I like holding my breath. I just thought I was like, you'll have to even order. I was like, she never changed it. Scroll down far far on this Scroll down Down

There. Oh Tom. We could definitely get only fans. Oh guys were subscribing to her now We got to do all we got to do Tom keep going keep going keep going is find out what male Celebrities are doing on their only fans and step it up a notch Yeah, we could totally do that fucking yeah, and then make it $5 Bella Thorne it Find out what male celebrities are doing on their only fans and step it up a notch. Yeah. We could totally do that. Fucking yeah, and then make it $5, Bella Thorne. Bella Thorne says, $5, it's all the dice. How much money you think we can make on our only fans?

I don't know. We become billionaires. That's my whole goal is to become billionaire. But I mean, are we going to like do hardcore scenes? We've done some pretty hardcore ones for free. Yeah. I mean are we going to like do hardcore scenes? We've done some pretty hardcore ones for free. Yeah, I mean I mean hold on hold on Maybe we need to stop doing live shows all the time to them He's a talented friend you want to see what they're doing. Oh, okay. DJ Khaled and Fad Joe have an only fan

Ah please Please let them suck each other. Please. Ah, please, oh, please, oh, please, he's going down a second path, those things. Please, they're fucking these guys. I want to see if they can get in the car. But why would you sign up for this? You don't have to, it's free. Like, I don't get it. OK.

I love DJ Khaled. He's great, man.. I love DJ Khaled. He's great, man. I fucking love DJ Khaled. That guy gets it, man. Like, it's fucking sense of humor. Yeah. Oh.

Okay. Oh, all right. Go to, um, Tom, Tom, what? Let's get an only fans. And what we'll do is it'll be, well, oh, my god. Do you remember the idea I had I wanted you and push to do where it was like edited videos? Yeah, yeah. Let's do an only fans and we'll edit a bunch of videos like we're fucking each other. Yeah, and it'll just be us and it'll we'll get two actors that look like us from the chest down

and we'll just do face swap things. I love it. And just and just hardcore sex scenes. Like I'm shitting in your mouth. And I'm like, holy fang, 50 cents. Yeah, these are great. Getting the cars really attractive. Did she go, thank you for the, thank you for the video.

The car is fucking the paint. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. In her holy fans. Yeah, she's like pissing in a cup in the car and then fucking throwing in your face and shit like that. And she's. In her only fans. Yeah, she's like pissing in a cup in the car and then fucking throwing it in your face, and shit like that. And she's in a noober. Yeah.

Yeah. Go to my Instagram. So last time we were talking about Rome, we talked about Rome. And I was like, oh, I ran around town. So attractive. I ran around town. So this is what I thought would be funny.

And I have, I know I can dig about a couple more picks. But do you think it's possible with the reach of this show and the way that, do you think it's possible to find these two? Now this is exactly 21 years ago. So that's a long time ago. I bet we could find them. Here's what I remember.

I'll tell you what I remember, and then if it's possible, it would be pretty funny if it's possible to find them. All right, so I'm in Rome, I'm alone. I came over from Madrid to spend a few days there. I stay at a hostel, I'm just like, and it checks shit out. You always run into people from different parts of the world,

so the first night I hang out with this dude from Switzerland, these chicks from Amsterdam. Then I'm like, I'm gonna go see this whatever today. I get off the train and I see these two just walking, let's say 20 yards ahead of me. Are they your age in this? Yeah. They're really pretty.

They're very pretty. So like 20 yards ahead of me. And I do something, I mean, I think it's uncharacteristic of me, which is that I just see them and I'm like, I'm just gonna go up to them and like, who are you, you know, hi, what are you? So I just go like, what are you guys doing? Checking out Rome, like me too, you guys wanna go together

and they were like, yes. So I was like, great. So we start walking around Rome, checking out, you know, whatever, right, sites and we get ice cream and then we, so here's what I remember. They're Canadian, right? They're Canadian girls. Of course course they are Canadian blonde so much better The blonde was dating an actor not a well-known actor more Canadian women are murdered

Because they're so trusting. Oh Like and like the Canadians are totally the type that you're like hey, what are you guys doing? Like oh, okay, I'll help you put it in your van. Come on, come on, get in Janet. You get in the front. Hey, he wants to duct tape each other's hands together so we can hold it better. Rest assured that Canadians get murdered every year. For real?

So, oh yeah. Hey, pull that up. Who gets serial killed more? Canadians or Americans keep going. I guarantee you it's Canadians. So, it's gotta be Canadians. Yeah, just women. Just women?

Yeah. All right, I mean, I don't... I think Canadian women, still your? Yeah. All right. I mean, I don't, I think Canadian women, cellular killer stats by country. Oh, fuck wow, you guys are killing it today. Wow. All right, let's go to probably Canada. Yep.

Can I see? You're in Canada? Okay. Let's see, let's see, scroll scroll. Those are all the serial killers. Well, yeah, okay. So let's take a look at that. All right, it's that big.

Go to America, United States of America. United States of a, we're gonna have to break it down in a subcategories here. In the States. We've got, oh yeah, they have a whole other, wow. There you go. We're fucking, oh shit. Holy shit.

Yeah, you gotta step up your game, Canada. it's all hold a candle to us. Yes mother fucker. We're definitely murdering way more people over here Is it per pop you think we have more people than Canada? That's why we kill so more many people 10 times the people Is that it? I mean, it's definitely effects numbers I would think I mean I would definitely affects numbers. I would think. I mean, I would have thought. That about 39 million people, we have 330 million people. Do you think serial killers are like, you know,

I started in Canada, it's like the farm system up there. Yeah, yeah. Super easy. I mean, it's a really great place to dispose of bodies, but just like. Oh, I mean, you can get rid of a body, so we using in Canada. Oh, yeah, but there's so much that's kind of uninhabited

and uninhabitable, you know? Oh, and then you put it out, it freezes over, right? That just shrugged out of the audience. Totally. Okay, all right, go back to my, let's go back to these two Canadians. So, they've been killed by serial killers. So the blonde, right?

The blonde. What's the number of her name? I do not remember either of their names. Damn it, Tom. I mean, make it really tough. I know, but here's the thing. So she's dating an actor and I remember she said he had done, he wasn't like a notable name,

but he appeared nude in some show or movie at that time, right? And she goes like a butt shot, and I was like, okay, whatever, the brunette was telling me that she worked as a cocktail waitress in Toronto. And she had served Michael Jordan. And I remember that because I was like, what? You know, this is like, of course, the things you fucking light up at. Of course. So I was like, you're so bad with details.

The one thing you pick up on is she was a cocktail waitress and served Jordan. The other girl was like, no, it was, you're like, enough of your story. Yeah, yeah, I was like, don't tell me either of your names. Now, here's the thing, no, they definitely tell me their names, but I definitely don't remember. I definitely have better photos, and I have to find them, because we did take more photos that day.

Look at how cute you were. And, and zoom it on Tom's face. Oh, if you can, it's not, it's not the most clear photograph, you know. Okay, so we got a good picture of their face. I have a couple more photos.

I'll find them. So the brunette we're sitting in the chair. More importantly, let's find the serial killer behind them. I know. That guy looks like he's ready to fucking dump a body. So we're on the train and I'm like, I want, I'm thinking like, I want to try to fuck on this train cart. This is like later in the day, right?

Now, the blonde's giving me like, you know, like, oh, I'm responsible, but the brunette seems like she's kind of game, you know? So what? In this story, I can just see this happening live in Canada, in Toronto, a fan going, oh, fuck, I think that's my wife. Honey, honey, honey, come here. Set you and she pulls up me like, in this story, I just want to fuck on the training. She's like, never mind. Well, this might actually make somebody go, I think that's her and then confirm it, right? So we're on the card, we're gonna train card now,

later in the day, and I'm super, I'm totally bricked up at these two, right? My, so, I'm walking out of the heart on all day, and then, and the brunettes, like kind of flirty and fun. So she's sitting across from me in this train cart, a private train cart. She's here, and the blonde's over here, and I'm kind of like, you know, blonde,

stop talking about your stupid fucking boyfriend, right? You know, why don't you jump off the train? So the brunette, she's like really engaging in chat, she goes, oh my god, I got like the sexiest shoes. Do you want to see them? So I'm like, yeah. She goes, I should put them on. And I go, yeah.

And she goes, okay. And then I'm like, you know, encouraging her. And she goes, I can't. And I go, why? And she goes, my feet stink. And I go, what? And she goes, I can't switch. Cause it smells, I was like,

I don't care if you take a shit in this cart, you know? She's like, you have no idea what you can do right now. I don't care. I don't care. So she's like, okay, and she starts, she goes, I can't, I can't. I go, yes you can. Like just put on your new,

I put on the fine juice. Please don't be able to take your pants off first to put them on. She's got a skirt on. So I was like, just put them on. She was like, this cart will just stay. I was like, what the fuck? So what we know is that they're coordinating.

That one was like cocktail, like, or is it in Toronto and her feet smell like shit. What a list, what a list. Yeah, cocktail waitress who sir Michael Jordan and Toronto. Stinky feet. Friends with a girl who dated an actor. Date of an actor. This is the did soft porn on showtime. This is spring of 2000. So and she's in Rome. I mean, now they got a spring of 2000. That's when you're there. That's that that's spring of 2000 2000. Yeah, man

That's just how many years I was already in LA. Yeah I That's fucking crazy. We got to be able to find those girls That's a great List to see if you're like we're trying to find this person. Hey honey Didn't you live in Conan's Rome in 2000? And I've seen you smell your feet. You're like, shit, don't do away from this, sir.

Michael Dorn. Oh. And we had, what if, what if, this guy's married to this girl? And he's like, hey, didn't you, when you said you had sex with one black guy, was Michael Dorn? Shit. Biggie for that actress.

Biggie for the cocktail waitress for Toronto. Man, oh, I would love to see what she looks like now. I would love to see what she looks like now. I bet they look good. I'm guessing. There's a hot fucking girl growing up. And it was, you know, it's so funny what Instagram does, is there's like, there's this hot girl growing up that I was like, oh, it's so funny what Instagram does is there's like, there's this hot girl

growing up that I was like, oh, she's so hot. And I saw a picture of her and she is no longer hot. And I was like, oh, and then you see a picture of a girl, maybe you didn't pay enough attention to. And they age so well or, or, or they're in like some people like, there's a, there's a, can, let me see if I can find her. There's this girl that I grew up me see if I can find her. There's this girl that grew up with who does this thing on Instagram and I'm so fascinated by

it and Katie Peepers her name. It's not her name anymore. Let me see if I can find it. K. Peepers. I remember seeing a girl out of like once we went to college that had that total blow up where she she was like only in high school, you know, like nobody talked to her. She totally blossomed afterwards and I was like, oh my God, everybody. All right, this is this girl. By the way, tell me if this isn't mesmerizing, right? This is, I say girl, she's a grown woman.

Her name's Katie Piper White. She's probably like, but don't blow up my spot. She has on Instagram. Her Instagram is Katie. Wait, did you just say don't blow up her Instagram? I mean, do you think that's gonna let me? It's an artist, and I think it's cool what she does.

And I am fucking fascinated by this. And I really, I like next time I'm in a tank, I'm like, hey, can I bring my girls over to your studio? And watch what she does. This is fucking so cool. So Katie, white artist. Katie, IE, white artist artist and go to her Instagram. Yeah, nope. It's not fine art. Nope. Uh, Katie White art art. Okay. Yeah, that's it. Okay.

Yeah, that's our scroll down. Scroll down. Scroll down. Okay. Look at this last one. The first one. Very first one. Very first one. Okay. It's gonna hear, let's go down, let's go down. Okay, look at this last one, the first one, very first one, very first one. Okay, it's gonna hear some music, but look what she does. She does this every day, she does these paintings. And it's so fucking badass that I'm like, I bet that would be so. That's very satisfying to watch.

Yeah, wait, wait, wait, it's better. She keeps adding to it and you watch it grow. Yep, and this is what she, she puts it to music, so she'll play cool music. She does this every day. Look at that Yeah, and it's so fucking satisfying. Yeah, it is and I watch it every day I'm excited when you went to high school with her. I grew up with her practically. I mean, I've noticed since probably eighth grade She does this and then it's a beautiful tiny little painting. Yeah, she does it the cool music like she'd look at that

It just hit that one Oh, that one's already done. Yeah, but like it's keep going go to one that she did and you can see or do it and It's so much good one that you can play There there. Yeah, like it's just like so fun to watch The water run and then you're like oh my god, dude to get high and do that Yeah, I could do that for fucking hours. Oh, man. I literally was like, when I'm in Tampa, I'm gonna hit her up and be like,

I gotta take a fucking tolerance break from edibles. Why? Because it just keeps going up. I know, I'm doing that with alcohol. You've been doing that. Yeah, I am consistently doing that with alcohol. You mean for 25 years? You have a no, but I'm doing it for real now.

Really? Yeah, I actually talked to, I actually talked to my producer of Go Big Show. Yeah. And I was like, I was like, I'm not bouncing back like I used to. I'm learning a lot about myself. I'm very punitive.

It's like, remember when we were talking outside and I was like, all of a sudden I'm beating myself up going, what are you doing with your fucking career? And what has happened is, I think because I'm not to be fair, but like, not to be unfair, but like, I've not removed alcohol out of my life, but I've definitely transitioned my relationship with it in that I have much larger periods of not drinking at all

than I've ever had. And what happens is that punitive part of my brain was very good at when I was hungover, getting me to do shit. You're a piece of shit, and I'd be like, yeah, you're right, I got drunk last night. He goes, then get the fuck up. What are you doing with your life?

And I was like, no, I'll figure something out. And so I get up, I'd work out, I create a video, I do a podcast, I'd be like, let's think of an idea, let's write some jokes. When I removed alcohol, and like I said, I didn't remove it totally, but just switch my relationship a little bit with it. I know this wake up with the same punitive voice, but I'm doing okay, but the voice is still there.

And then the voice is like, what the fuck are you doing with your career? And I'm like, I'm doing okay. And he's like, the fuck I can actually hear the voice start, Tom. And then I go, oh, fuck he's like the fuck I can actually hear the voice start Tom and then I go oh fuck Let's not do this today. Mm-hmm. Today my voice is like Probably gonna have oral cancer. You're probably gonna have it because you've been fucking around with this tooth for so long Like I went into dentist again yesterday. Are you gonna do more to this stuff? Uh-huh. I gotta go in again Tuesday and So but like I still have that punitive voice and I keep going back to the shit you said about trauma

Mm-hmm say go what happened to me as a kid? where Like I can't just like I like myself, but like if you let me stay in a bed by myself My brain's like ah Just me and you fuck boy. Yeah, I'm like, uh, can you not do this? And he's like nah, we're going at it buddy. I used to call it big brain little brain. Big brain little brain was like the voice like angel devil stuff. Yeah, big brain was the the fucking loud one and then little brain was the one like I've perfect example is Rome. So I woke up in Rome one morning where I met the two lovely girls and I had this

I still have it. I have like a little red spot on my cheek. I've had it for fucking ever now I'm sure it's just sun damage, but this is the first time I ever noticed it right? Yeah, some room Someone pointed it out to me. I was like I don't know what that is and I was like oh shit Is this King Cancer? Fuck fuck fuck King Cancer goes pretty quickly now. It's been 10 years, but I'm like and so I go to bed that night and big brains all in my head He's like god fucking skin cancer, dude This is a game changer fucking cut a big chunk of your face out good luck. You know on TV

No, it's gonna look at you fucking ugly ass motherfucker And then I was I just drank and then I drank enough for a big brain shut up and it's little brain He's like all right. He's asleep. Okay. We're gonna be fine tomorrow. Do not look in the mirror Whatever you do. Don't start your day off looking in the mirror and obsessing about this. Okay. Yeah I go to sleep I wake up in the mirror. Whatever you do, don't start your day off looking in the mirror and obsessing about this, okay? Yeah. So then I drink, I go to sleep, I wake up in the little brains like, hey, he's still sleeping. Let's get our day started and don't wake him up.

And I was like, okay, then I'm like in the shower and he's like, you're doing good, man, your face hurt? And I'm like, no, he's like, then you know what fucking skin cancer? You're gonna be fine. You hear those voices? In my head, I'm talking to myself. And then I go, I get out of the shower, I go past the mirror and he's like, tall, look in the mirror, you're gonna be fun. You hear those like voices in my head I'm talking to myself and then I go I get out of the shower

I go past the mirror and he's like tall looking the mirror you're gonna and I hear big brain go you guys let me sleep in Oh, what about the skin cancer? I'm like fuck little big brains back and then big brain fucking I know it's not crazy. You guys have these conversations. No, of course. They don't they're dead inside They're like Leanne is what happens is the regular person doesn't have, I really feel like the regular person doesn't have overwhelming inter-diologues. They just wake up and go, and their brain goes, guess I should make some coffee,

and they just go make coffee, and they don't think, I think, I don't know, no. But they're not going aggressively, like attacking themselves, and then defending themselves or writing obsessing about a joke and obsessing about an angle. I mean, you know how many times I've brought up fucking hilarious Baldwin's accent to people

and they just think I'm a fucking lunatic. Why? So I'm trying to write a joke about it. Oh, it's so weird. So then when you write a joke about it, I got a friend, Tandy, who's Asian, you met her. You met her in the tour bus, spokes. I met her way before's Asian, you met her. Mm-hmm. You met her in the tour bus. Spokes.

I've met her way before that. Yeah, you met her a bunch. Yeah. Definitely has an accent, wouldn't you say? Yeah. Probably one of the most distinct accents in the world. Not in the world, but like just- It's a notable accent.

It's a noticeable accent. I've brought a, and she says, I don't have an accent. I go, you definitely do. And then she goes, I don't hear it. I go, well, you don't hear your own accent. Right. Oh, that's how that works. I've brought this up,

because I'm trying to write a joke about hilarious Baldwin and the idea being, that the concept of not having an accent is so egocentric, that the idea that Americans would say, we don't have, I used to have a joke about it, we don't have accents, right? Yeah. That we don't have accents, right? That we don't have accents is so egocentric.

Of course we have accents. We don't hear it, because we're Americans, we think we're number one, but we go other places, we're like, man, we go to Switzerland, everyone's got an accent as opposed to going, we just showed up and now we're the one with the accent. Right. And then my theory is, and this is,

I'm obsessed about this, you can lose an accent. Right. And then my theory is, and this is, I like, I've obsessed about this. You can lose an accent. Mm hmm. You can. Why do we say lose an accent as opposed to gaining an accent, pretending to have a new accent? Like, Leanne has a southern accent. So let's say that's her ground zero is a southern accent. For sure. Redneck, don't match my cigarettes, Paul kinda accent, right? Yeah. Then she moves to LA and loses her accent, but when she comes back home, they're like, oh, you don't talk like us no more?

Yeah. You phony, LA phony, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So why can't, I'm just trying to defend hilarious bald ones because I want to take the angle that no one takes. Why can't you say the Hillary Baldwin simply lost her boss to an accent and picked up a new... No, I don't know anything about her thing, but I've brought this up so many people, Tom. I'm trying to write a drugless thing.

I don't know anything about it. I don't know anything. I think she's like, the only thing the suspect is the whole thing is when she's two-year cooking show. She goes, and what do you call this root? She's like, it's a cucumber. Yeah. Like, she was, how do you say cucumber in English? Cucumber, cucumber.

Yeah. But like, that's why sometimes I find in Spain for a while, then the, I don't have- Do you ever caught up, have you ever caught a little bit of a Spanish accent? I've done the thing where, if I've done the thing where, I've done the thing which she actually talks about, which I think is, you know, legit to a degree, if you were fully immersed in another language for an extended period of time, you could trip up on where it's easily and forget how to say things. Like, for instance, a semester abroad or, you know I would spend the summer in Peru. So, I mean, if you're speaking Spanish 24-7 for week after week after week,

yeah, there's gonna be moments where you go like, you kind of blank on something or, you know, I remember when I got back from Spain, you know, that's also, I'm going to the University of Madrid, so I'm doing classes, writing term papers, you know, in Spanish. In Spanish, dreaming in Spanish. So I get back. Fully, fully dreaming. Yeah, all your dreams are in your bullfighting and stuff. Went to it, yeah.

So, but I remember getting back and correcting my mother's Spanish, you know, because she would say something grammatically incorrect and I would correct her. Really? Yeah. Yeah. But also the interesting thing about that detail is that at that time, so that's 20 years ago, which means my mom would have been like 55. So at that point, she is 25 years immersed in United States. So her Spanish is actually declined.

So then I wonder if when I'm dying to know, then if your mom goes back to Peru, if people are like, what's this fucking accent I'm hearing? Well, what they do is, what they do is, they go like, your slang is really out. Like, it'd be like if you walked into a place so you're like, slad me some skin, brother, till like, slaying like,

um, yeah, so you're using like outdated slang. And yeah. Your mom's, your mom's like, got outdated slang. Yeah. Oh, that's so funny. Yeah. Oh, that's so funny.

Because she'll all her, all her rep, like all the way that she speaks, is from like the 60s and 70s, right? So it's like, imagine if you were like, groovy guys, and everybody's like, the fuck are you saying right now? Because you didn't keep up with it. Yeah, me with a pitch for it. Exactly. Oh, that's such a fuxxy. That's okay. So like, I don't maybe I don't like, I don't have Leanne's brain just Leanne's brain. I don't know about Leanne's

brain. Like it just wakes up and it goes, I think it just is like, chore-oriented, like the way her brain looks at it is like, life's a list. So then she's like, make coffee, make coffee, make lunch, make lunch, make coffee, make a breakfast, make a breakfast, feed dog, like her brain, I think that's what her brain does. Whereas mine goes, I was obsessed with it. And I don't know, I can't-

Here's goes what? What happened to Bill Burrs Accent what happened to like what like why why can't like and I just start obsessing about it And then I can funny thing funny one is Joe's very watch a clip of Joe Rogan doing stand up like 25 years ago for real He's got a huge Boston actually heavy heavy heavy, heavy, heavy. So like, so then I'm not, and by the way, I don't have any skin in the game with the hilarious Baldwin, but I see if I can find an angle like that, then I wanna write a joke about it.

And so then I obsess about that all day long, or I attack myself, or I just attack myself. Yeah, I like, like, like it's, my inner dialogue is not safe or healthy, I wouldn't say. Yeah, I would say that. I'm wondering if it's a problem. Do you talk about it from trauma? It has to be, I don't know what. Yeah, I would say that mean. I'm wondering if it's you talking about it from trauma? It has to be, I don't know what.

Well, trauma definitely would affect you. Yeah, oh dude, you fucking turned me on to trauma. Yeah, I've never, I'm recognizing in my daughters, I'm recognizing when I'm doing it to my daughters. I'm recognizing that you did it to that girl you that you cheated on and then you blamed her later. I'm probably, I did, probably. I'm recognizing all the times I caused trauma yeah going like holy shit you know

There's a lot of more I want to talk we'll save it for another podcast But there's a lot more I want to talk about all the unhealthiness that I'm imparting on my daughters from just like That you're imparting on them like where I just don't know that I do it I don't know that I do it and then I do it and then they're like they're like you can't You can't do that and I'm like and then it's not like even stuff like you can't do now You could have never done it. You're never supposed to have done it I got a pee which is a good time to wrap up. All right, um, do we forget anything?

Yeah, we'll get to it later. The live show, everyone make sure to go check that out. That was a lot of fucking fun. Oh, what do we do about the hats? I texted you yesterday. Yeah, I saw that. So everybody, like we'd never been hit up so much for people that want the hats still.

And so I was like, all right, I'm gonna place a big order. And they're like, we'll get it to you in like eight weeks. I was like, perfect. And they hit me up yesterday. We can't deliver it in eight weeks. I was like, okay. What if we send someone to China to get the fabric? Yeah, what if we just did the leg work?

I bet we have fans that would be like, I've got nothing going on. Go pick up fabric in China. Try them first class. It's gonna be a very expensive hat after this. Charge it. Take it back. We'll make it back in the back end. It's gonna be a very expensive hat after this. Charge it. Take it back. We'll make it back in the back end.

Okay. All right, we'll talk about it. Thank you guys for watching. For listening. We'll see you next week. Love you, Bert. Love you too, Tommy. Bert and Tom.

Tom and Bert. One goes top and swat the other. We're so sure. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call, Two bears one cave. No scripts to be the booze amateur,

Pertology, Dirty jokes, Ranchie humor, No apologies. Here's what we call, Two bears one cave. Okay.