2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 88 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Anthony Jeselnik

Episode Date: July 5, 2021

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I would see him again, I'd be like, oh, this dude, he's pretty funny. And then on the third show, he was drinking this much whiskey before he went up. And I was like, what's going on? That's how I do it, man. And I was like, oh, this dude's out of his mind. Yeah, I didn't put it together at first. Oh, I thought people were going to be stars until I got a ride in their car. Yeah.

And you're like, no, man, you're not going to make it anywhere. I'm like, this is a disaster. A hundred percent. I'm like, this is a disaster. 100% I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I to know that comedians can say whatever they want, whenever they want, even if it's not funny, and you can never get mad or be sensitive because we're not sensitive, and we're sensitive about that. Agreed. Topic over.

We are sensitive little babies though, I think. Of course. At the end of the day when people are like, you know, especially talk to somebody who doesn't work in comedy or someone they start asking you questions, ultimately I'll be like, yeah, we're pretty sensitive. Yeah. We are, but you just, I mean, you learn how to handle

certain things. You know, like if you tell a joke in the joke bombs, like it hurts a little bit, you know, that's part of the game. Yeah. But when you're complaining about it all the time, it's like, why are you doing this? Yeah, you know, it's like a football player, like, you they get beat up during the seasons, and then we still talk about it. But if I have to every game, you were like, man, that guy hurt me so much when he hit me in the arm. Like, oh, like, it's just like, why do you sound like this? Yeah, I totally agree. And I,

I gotta say like jokes bombing sucks, but I don't feel like, I don't really go like, oh man, I usually hate myself for the joke bombing. Oh, of course. You're going yourself. Yeah, I'm like, oh, why can't I figure this out? Dude, I've been so excited about a new joke, like this is gonna be, and then it just,

like crickets, we were like, oh, I was so wrong. What's embarrassing? I think every time I've ever been like, this is the shit that I'm about, like, I'll be like, so excited, that never goes well. It's only the one where I'm like, I don't know, I just kind of thought of this, or it's just like, it literally coming out without a plan,

and like everybody, and you're like, that's the one. Oh, I know who it's like halfway out of my mouth. Yeah. What's gonna happen? Yeah. On paper, it looks great, but reading it out, you're just like, oh no, this was a huge mistake. But you have to make those mistakes. If every new joke you try kills, you're not working hard. No, no.

I also feel like I have a thing where, if I get real excited about a really specific word, like I'm going to say, you know, this is the structure of the sentence. And I get married to like, I romanticize the sentence. I'm like, oh, it's just like, it's like a sophisticated way of saying this. That always eats shit.

Like, you know, I'm like, I feel like I've written like great literature to say to them and then it just, nothing. Yeah, you can fully screw it up from the get go. Yeah. And it's funny to me that 20 years in, I could still be so, so wrong. So wrong.

Your instincts are just completely, completely wrong. I have things tonight that are completely, completely new and I have anxiety, you know, which I like because I know it's familiar. I go, oh, this means that I'm trying something that this could go poorly. Yeah. And that's that I'm trying something that this could go poorly. Yeah. And that's the good feeling you go.

This could go poorly. It might go great. But I'm already nervous about it. Oh, I got a dog during the pandemic, like to get me through it. And the whole time I'm like, man, this dog is gonna write me a new hour. Everything about this dog is great.

And like, I can't wait, people are gonna wanna hear about this dog and no one gives a flying fuck about my dog. Yeah, you gotta dog, you gotta do anything. People got dogs, man, no one gives a fuck. Yeah, I'm like, this one's from Korea, and they're like, mm-hmm, like, we don't believe you. Like, we don't think,

not only do we not think this is funny, we don't believe you. Yeah, like right now, I don't believe you. I don't believe that the dog from Korea. No. I think you made that shit up. Yeah, people. You have a way of saying things where it actually does feel like you could be making it up all the time. No, I get, are you serious? Yeah. A lot.

Yeah. A lot. It's your, like, it's the look and the delivery of it where you could be like, of course I'm fucking, I like, all right, I didn't know you didn't get a dog from Korea. Yeah. I feel like it's made up. I've had to go the other way too with it. I go, you serious? I'm like, no. And I go, I don't know why are you doing this to me? Why are you putting me through this? I love walking people into, like, misinformation purposely, though. It's fun, like, in conversations, you know. I enjoy it, but I kind of, I call it like the Nate

Bargatzi approach, where you're not malicious, you just, it's a yes or no thing. You know, if someone's like, hey, is it true that you don't have to wear face masks anymore? Like, yes. And they're just like, I wouldn't tell someone, hey man, I heard in the news, COVID's over, you can just go do whatever you want,

but if someone asks a dumb question, just give a dumb answer and watch them. Watch them, okay. And Nate, you reference Nate because he's so good at what the deadpan answer. I think he's just talked about, like his favorite form of prank is just that like, he told me a story once about like

being on the road with Kurt Metzger. And Kurt Metzger pulled out like a thing, like out of the hotel shower, like a thing of condition. Or maybe I'm telling the story wrong, but it was like the condition, he's like, is this body lotion? And his prank was just to go, yes. And so he just smears conditioner all over his chest,

and they have to go do two shows. But the whole time, it's like, what the fuck? And Nate's just dying laughing. It's like, it's conditioner, man. Yeah, he didn't do anything mean. He just like did. He just helped me out. Yeah.

That is a great one. Have you heard Bert's theory that Nate's a lot like Hitler? No, but I would believe it. Because of the hating juicing. Well, that's just the first layer. Okay. Bert's theory is that he goes, have I told you how Hitler and Napar got to the Aralala and I was like, I'm listening.

And he said, you know, Hitler ran, took over Germany, but he was Austrian. I was like, okay. And... And... And, uh, Nate Bargazze didn't go to Vanderbilt when he's a huge fan. Wait, to be a fan. Yeah, and that's the similarity. That's all he had. That's what he had, yeah.

I guarantee Bert, like, just found out about the Austria thing, and was like, just went down a rabbit hole, and that was as far as he could get. He likes to say, I'm obsessed with history now. And you're like, you saw 10 minutes on the fucking history channel. And he's like, yeah. And he thinks he's like a history buff now.

Because he literally watched the clip. He's like, did you know he was watching? Like, yeah, a lot of people know that man. Yeah, we had choice for a best friend man. We had choice. I know. Yeah. Yeah. Doing great. He's doing great. When you invited me this, I was like, people are going to

be either psyched or furious. They're psyched. Yeah. I've been a guest on a lot of podcasts where people are mad. Why? Because they, they'll just, they, I think they don't know who I am or get why I'm funny. Why I don't do. Like, I get a lot of, like, this guy's so fucking arrogant. It's like yep like yep I did Bobby Lee's podcast and people like this is bullshit. He's not given Bobby like the courtesy laughs He needs to get going. I'm like I'm not gonna give anyone I've known you long enough to know that that's a reality. Yeah, I mean yeah, I were doing shows together in 2002 or three yeah,, we started together.

Yeah, we should do like, bringer shows, you know, and comedy union, comedy union with the ends. That was his name, ends was the owner. You know that? Yeah, and yeah, like these weird, like, where I would, I would always know like, like, oh, okay, this is gonna be good. When you were on the show,

because I would see people, I'd be like, this guy's homeless, this guy sucks. And I'd see, oh yeah, I had things on the show. It was so hard to find the people, because in the beginning you think everyone's gonna make it. Like we're all on our way up, we have a different path. But then you start to realize there's like a couple of people, a couple of gems.

And one of those guys for me that I was like, this guy is going to go as far as you want to. I mean, I'm still surprised that you've gotten to this level for sure, but I knew you were not a crazy person. Yeah, that was the thing is that you would, I remember like sometimes you'd see some thing, you're like, that guy's pretty funny. And then I don't know, maybe like a couple of months later,

you see him on and it hits you like, oh, this guy's insane. I didn't know that at first. You know, there's one guy I don't remember, maybe like a couple of months later you see him on and it hits you like, oh this guy's insane. I didn't know that at first. Yeah. You know there's one guy I don't remember his name that he did it. He had like really funny like aggressive rant style. And then I would see him again. I'd be like, oh this dude, he's pretty funny.

And then like on the third show he was like, he was drinking like this much whiskey before he went up and I was like, what's going, he He was like, that's how I do it, man. And I was like, oh, this dude's out of his mind. I didn't put it together at first. Oh, I thought people were gonna be stars until I like got a ride in their car. And you're like, no, man, you're not gonna make it anywhere. Like, this is a disaster.

You ever see like somebody who so neglects just the inside of their car, like to where there's actual trash, and then you're like, oh, this is how you drive around. I don't know what's going on in there, but it's gotta be a complete train wreck. If you don't have the wear with all to take the garbage out of the front and put it all in the back,

and you invite me to sit shotgun, then like something's off upstairs. I got, it's not that hard. Into one one time where it was like, I looked down and it was just piles of, it was the most filthy I've ever seen in my life. I mean, it looked like a hoarder, and then you look in the back and car seat.

And I was like, dude. He's like, ah, you know, I gotta get it. And they do something like casual, like I gotta get this cleaned up. Like you would if you was like, dude. He's like, ah, you know, I got to get it. And they do something like casual, like I got to get this cleaned up. Like you would if you had like, you know, a little bit of like a leaves on the ground. You're like, yeah, you need to burn this car, man. You're gonna set this car on fire.

That, but the, hearing that just makes me want to get a baby seat for the back of my car. I'm just having it in there. And have like a baby don't, and it's like locking up out in the sun. And it just wait. Like, do one of those pranks

where they put the baby seat on the roof of the car? That jacket, that's the funniest thing Jack I've ever did. It was drive off out of the mall with the baby seat on top. It's so funny. I mean, seeing the genuine panic on people, or they also had the one that I loved

where the guy, the guy has somebody in the trunk, but like on purpose. Yeah. And the trunk pops and the person's like, mm, and they're all tied up and you see people. And it's also like interesting to see people who are like, oh, you know, anyway, like, I mean, that's how I would be in LA, that's how you would be.

Like, they must be filming a prank show or something. I'm a, as a kid watching HBO, and they would have random prank shows from like around the world. And there was one where, like even thinking about it today, it makes me laugh so hard that they had the balls to do this, where somebody would walk up holding a briefcase

in the middle of a crowded street, drop it and then take off running. And everyone thinks it's a bomb. They all scatter and run away. It was on some prank show in, I don't know what country it in because Japan does the wireless shit It may have been Japanese It may have been just one of those European countries where this was happening a lot

Eastern-American but to make people think they're about to die in a bomb. Yeah, it's not a good thing There's a Japanese prank show that I saw I was Christ the watchies and cry because all their shows are Absolutely insane like what flies in Japan is so crazy. And they have, they had this prank show where they walked like a couple into, I think it was like, look at this apartment, right? So like a real estate thing. And then they had like special effects guns

shooting into the apartment and like glass shattering and people screaming and they're like, ah, like total panic and they're covering them like, stay on the crap, like screaming crying, and then they're like, it was just a joke. People were fully fucking panic. You must not be allowed to sue anyone in Japan. I think, I can't be, man.

There was one I saw where the guys just walking down the hallway and they must have like known that we're like prank-scoring on so they're just like, they're kind of okay. But like the floor falls out and he falls into water, but it's boiling out water. So the guys desperately trying to get out, like no laugh, everyone's trying to laugh and he's just like, like survival getting out of it

and just mad at everyone, doesn't want to look at anybody. But I'm like, who thought of this? We're not cold water. Cold water would have done the same job and then everyone's laughing. Shack them, yeah. The hot water, he's got boils and shit now. I knew a girl when I first started doing stand-up

who had been on a prank show that never aired. It was like a pilot. And one of the pranks is they would be in like a motel six, like a cheesy motel. And it looked like they were doing surgery on her. She's like in makeup where she's like, half naked on the bed and they're pulling out organs like black market shit and they would order pizzas.

And then try to get the delivery guy in and close the door and have them freak out. And one guy sees this and dives through the window. Dives out the window out onto like the balcony, completely just destroys himself. He's all cut up, but he was an illegal immigrant and they could not get him to go to the hospital. That we'll pay for all of this, we'll take care of you

and he was like, no, no, no, fought for an hour, they had like put bandages on him and he left and they ended the show. They're like, we can't do anymore breaks. This is terrible. Yeah. I mean, those people need to stay in their country, mate. It's like if you're gonna...

If you don't look at sense of humor, don't come here. Don't come here. You know what I mean? Those people need to stay in their country, man. It's like if you're gonna... If you don't look at sense of humor, don't come here. Don't come here. You know what I mean? We're just fucking around, man. Yeah. Just, God, we're just pranking around. Yeah. Why are you being such a dick about it, man?

We pay better for our pranks. We totally do. But I'm telling you, man, in Japan, it would be interesting to figure out like how they get away. Like, even that one that I saw that I was telling you about, that is so traumatizing. You know what I mean?

To have like the glass shattering. And they had like, it looked like there's bullets whole, you know, like, like, you see in a movie. And these people were like, absolutely screaming for their lives. And then they're like, Yeah, it's in a movie, and these people were like absolutely screaming for their lives, and then they're like, ha ha ha. Yeah, it's PTSD, you're not getting over that.

Anytime soon. You're never gonna go look at an apartment again. But something about, like, just like America is so litigious. I remember going to Germany when I was 18 with a bunch of friends and going to a water slide park. And in America, there's a lifeguard every five feet. You know, there's like two up at the top, there's some of the bottom,

like you do anything, you're getting a whistle. There was one lifeguard for the entire water park in the middle. So like we would just eight guys diving down a slide together. When you hit the bottom, you just like, it's a pile up and you're all just like laying there, groaning. And then big guys, please don't do that.

Like they just don't, this isn't Germany. Yeah. They just, they don't sue the way people sue here. And you can pull off anything. I wonder why that evolved, why it became such a litigious, it's just like, why? I mean, because famously, every time you think of us being

a crazy country with that, I always think of that McDonald's. So, you know, it's so famous that the person burned themselves and then they're like, I'm suing McDonald's. But that was a severe burn. But wasn't it like, they just, a severe burn of super hot coffee? No, it was like, they made their coffee way harder

than any coffee ever is. And they ended up, like the amount seems insane, but it was actually just the amount of money and McDonald's made in coffee for one day. Really? Like it wasn't that much money. McDonald's deserved to do more than what they had to. And they burned the fuck out of this person.

Oh, I mean, beyond their degree, like major surgeries, yeah. And they'd be getting them complaints for years, the coffee was too hot. It was just how they decided to make it. But yeah, it was like, you couldn't drink this coffee for an hour after you got it. Yeah, damn.

That lawsuits more legit than you think. But like in Russia, the way that you have dash cam videos, it's because people were jumping in front of cars to try to get money, to try to get insurance money. So it's like like I'll put this dash cam on and now no one can sue me for this So it comes around they don't fuck around though and also like no You know there's no such thing as suing like a police officer in Moscow No, you could like him that that lawsuit he'll staple you that lawsuit to your neck if you bring it to a police officer Oh, yeah, I want to sue like lieutenant lieutenant I've on maybe like we don't have that guy there

Yeah, he's not here. Yeah, you're you're dead and keep coming around with that bullshit and see what happens to you man I remember that Clayton Peters Russell Peters brother told me he was going to a TV pitch Here a few years ago. I'm crying. Yeah, I was cuz I was laughing. Yeah my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and my mom and And they were like, you know, we're gonna, and they're like, I guess, you know, I don't know if we should just get right into like, settlement talks and stuff, and he was like, what? And they go, well, you know, you slipped here on the lot, and he was like, I'm Canadian. And they were like, so he's like, I was just gonna, yeah, I'll just get a knee brace.

Like my knee hurts, but I'm not suing you. Yeah, give me the face pack. And we'll be okay. Yeah, and that was it. And they were like, he said they were just like, you're not, are you seriously not gonna sue us? He was like, no. I was in the road once and I was staying in this new hotel

that was next to the club or next to the theater, whatever. And I get in there and they're excited that I'm there. Like, oh, you gotta see all this. We wanna give you a tour of everything and I'm like, you know what I mean? And then we've got a bar on the roof. It's like this amazing new bar. Everything's on us. Like come here after the show,

we're gonna take care of you. They've been raining outside. They're like a smoking lounge. And then you come out of the smoking lounge, take a step down and get back into the bar. And I'd like toward the end of the night, it's my last drink. I go out and have a cigarette.

And I'm smoked in the fucking five years, this was forever ago. And I take a step down and they hadn't, it was so new, they hadn't thought to put down like a mat, you know, when it was wet. And I step in like a puddle and my foot goes flying and I just eat it, completely like flat on my back on the ground.

Staff comes up, people stop mopping, someone puts a mat down, but no one spoke to me the rest of the night. They were so scared that if they were like, how are you, I was gonna be like, I'm gonna talk to a lawyer, they just ignored me. Sure. Until I left. Which I was like, I was gonna be like, I'm gonna talk to a lawyer. They just ignored me until I left. Yeah. I was like, I'm not gonna sue.

I'm gonna have some bruises tomorrow, but I blame myself more than anyone else for it. Of course. Yeah, they will avoid you. Dude, I slid down the stairs. And on St. Patty's, they had a bar in New York City. Like from that, one of those like the bathrooms downstairs, the whole flight.

Like on your ass. On my ass the whole way. And when I got to the bottom, I was like, laid there for a second, and then I stood up and I leaned on the wall. And then like this guy walked by me, he's like, damn, that looks like she looked like that hurt. I was like, I got it.

I mean, the bruise was like deep black, you know, like huge, but I mean, of course, it never occurred. I was like, I slipped on my stupid ass, you know? Yeah, I'm not gonna. Hey guys, the floor's wet. It But I mean, of course, it never occurred. I was like, I slipped on my stupid ass, you know? Yeah. Like I'm not gonna, hey guys, the floor's wet. It would have to be something malicious to me to sue. Like something really beyond the pale,

but I couldn't imagine. But your own slipping and falling, it's, I mean, never. People, what people think like that, you know? Yeah, oh yeah, I mean, that's winning the lottery to them. Remember that, there was like a picture that was on one online, where there was a Walmart, where the W was like kind of like, was kind of like swinging, like it was like about the fall,

at some point, and there was some guy who would just stand underneath it all day. And hope that it would fall and hit him on the head, and he would get all this money from Walmart. This is so crazy that people, like, people asked me, they're like, oh, you know, you were able to monetize your injury. And I was like, yeah,

oh, because we do the live show after. And they're like, that's pretty great. And I'm like, no, you don't want that to happen. You don't want the injury. Once it happens, it's like, what am I gonna talk about on my next podcast? Right, this, but you weren't like, oh good. And then people were like, oh, I would do that for a check.

And you're like, no, you wouldn't, man. No. It fucking sucks. So no, it was coming. Like, yeah, I would do that for a check and you're like, no, you wouldn't, man. It fucking sucks. Yeah, so no was coming. Like, yeah, no way, man. You're just gonna talk about what happened to you that week and that was what happened to you, but you're not, no part of you was like, thank God.

I never would have come up with something. It's so cool, like how my tendons snapped. And then my arm did too. Like, no, it's, it's, and I have one of the t-shirts, I have one of the shirts. You do? Yeah. I have the athletic one that I did not know what that meant when I bought it. I thought it was just a t-shirt.

Oh, it's like the workout one? Yeah. So it's like shiny. I don't know for ever. Is the air sagaro one? Yes. I'll say you some new ones. But it made me laugh.

I was like, I've got to have this. I'm gonna sing a couple more. Okay. You give me your address. I'll give you a little injury bundle. Yeah, I'll do that. I'll give you my address. You want to do that?

I'll give you my address. Okay. See the way? I'll give you my address. Okay, okay. See the way you said that, I was like, he's definitely not giving me his address. No. So I always think, even from the early days, when we would do those early shows, and you always had great jokes,

it is the early, who we know now, your comedy now, but obviously the early days of like surprise jokes, dark stuff, you know, and a lot of times, you know, we were doing like small shows, like bar shows, sometimes club shows. I mean, you know, you mostly had, like mostly you'd have really good sets. I would definitely see you have sets where there's a lot of like ooze and, like the crap like, oh my, you know, groans and stuff.

But I mean, now you do a show, like a big show, your fans are coming out to see you. But you have to have some epic, this did not go well, shows, right? Oh, 100%. Especially at like a festival or somewhere where like it's not necessarily for me. A lot of these shows where I'm like one of many, you know,

it can be brutal. It can be brutal. Back in the Chris DeLia days at the comedy store, if Joe Rogan wasn't there to like balance out the audience, then it was all DeLia fans, he would go out and destroy it before, and it's absolutely destroyed. And then I would walk out and they took every goddamn word literally and were furious. Really? Oh yeah, they would get that they would do.

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would get that they would get that they would get that they would get that they would get that they would get that they would get that they would get that they would get that they would get that they would get that they would get that they would get that they would get that they would get that they would get that they would get that they would get that they would get that they would get that they would get that they would get that they would get that they would get that they would get that they would get that they would get that they would get that they would get that they would get that they would get that they would get that they would get that they would get that they would get that they would get that they would get that they would get that they would get that they would like it just destroys. So I'm like, oh, I have to do that. And something like all these guys don't get it. It's like this is just part of the process. But some people, I'm always shocked that some people just take me literally. I'll have like, I'll tell a joke and someone's like,

are you serious? Like I'll hear that from the audience. Yeah. I think of course not. But I get, I kind of get it because some people just think comedians are just like, are you serious? I'm assuming you're like, totally. 100% serious.

Yes. It just happened to be people laughing. You know, like, I just, I don't normally perform at comedy clubs, but normally this is my TED Talk, but tonight I showed up here. Yeah, I mean, there's nothing like following a murderer in one of those rooms,

like especially at the store and you're like, like, if either gonna be a wave, you can ride or you're like, that was for that person. I'm still the opposite. Like nobody wants to follow Sebastian at the comedy store. But it's like I stand very still. And I'm like, and I use my silences that going after Sebastian is kind of like

a fun challenge for me that I don't worry about. There's nobody that I really wouldn't want to follow unless they try to be just like me. I have to be careful picking openers on the road because it's always like the one open-micro kid who's like, his dream is to open for me. Like, I'm gonna see him and be like, yes, that's what I do.

Come open for me. But you're the maker-same thing. Yeah, I never wanna see that. I'd rather see Nate Bugance, I'd rather watch you. There's like five guys who's specials I watch or I'm watching the room. Yeah. And usually I just don't want anything to do with it.

I've been doing it for 20 years. I try to think in this way too about some bringing someone open for me, where I go, I want that person to be a different POV than mine. I don't want a 42 year old white guy with a beard opening for me, who's married with kid. It's the same thing. So I like to bring women or just a single black guy.

You know what I mean? Like a Latina woman. So it's like at least the POV that you're hearing is different than the one I'm about to do right after it. You know? I want someone completely different from me and old enough that I don't hate them by the end of the weekend.

You know what I mean? You've brought someone who's like cool, but just too young. We're like, this isn't gonna work. Like I can't talk to you. Yeah, yeah. I don't have a problem with you, but like in 20 years, we can, we can talk. Yeah, like they're, they're like life experience, their energy is totally, it's like foreign, right? Yeah, if you're

22, if you're really in your 20s even, unless you're like 29, I'll, maybe I'll give you a shot, but the 20s, I want nothing to do with it. Do you have a regular like circle of openers? Every tour, I pick a new circle. But you mix it up on the tour. Yeah, basically I'll have an East Coast, a West Coast, and then someone when they can't, even either one of those can do it. I bring somebody, but then on the next tour,

either they've become a headliners at that point, or I just want new people anyway. And it's getting harder, the older that I get, I pay attention to less of like what's going on in the scene below me. So I really like have to, you know, take someone's advice on like who's the new person I should take out.

And if I recognize the name, I'm like, okay, like we'll bring them out. Yeah, it's hard to stay like totally in touch with that. You know, like when you have things going on, you're like, I don't know, man. Yeah, I don't wanna watch the show anymore. Like I'm in the green room until it's my time to go up. And a on, you're like, I don't know, man. Yeah, I don't wanna watch the show anymore. Like I'm in the green room until it's my time to go up. And a lot of it's like, I don't wanna see

what comics are doing because I don't want things getting in my head. You know, there's a lot of comics, I'm gonna watch until After I've done my special. It's like, they've got a bit on abortion too. I don't want things to overlap. Yeah. But a lot of it's like, I just don't enjoy watching comedy

the way I did in the beginning. We're like, yeah. Oh, they've got a new joke. Oh, Victor, now it's got a new one. Oh, Victor Fernado's got a new one. I gotta give it shit. I get anxiety. I've always been like this too. For the most part, watching sets even locally,

like watching the show, I just have a hard time standing in the room. Like even like I'll say in the OR, like, I'll stand that back, you know, like, right by that where the stairs kind of go in and then I'll watch. I can kind of stomach more and act that is such a departure from my, something so foreign to me that I can,

but like, if it's somebody that like, I don't know, is in like my wheelhouse, I start pacing and I step out of the room. Yeah. And then I'm like, all right, they got like a minute left of my, all right, and that, and that can go of the room. Yeah. And then I'm like, they're like, all right, they got like a minute left. I'm like, all right, and that can go back.

I should remember like being in New York and doing the comedy seller a lot. Like you had, there was the comics table upstairs and then to go to the bathroom, you had to go down the stairs and walk through the showroom. And Colin was talking, he gave me a compliment saying, I heard one of your jokes walking through

because he's like, I don't want to watch somebody's stupid act. Right. And the way he said it was like, yes, like, I just don't want to watch your act stupid act. And the way he said it was like, yes. I just don't want to watch your act. And I used to go down to watch David Tell every time he performed. And then I started doing his mannerisms. And I'm like, I've got to stop this right now.

Like part of this, you just don't want to pick up. They're a dreamer. I dress like him for a year. A lot of people do that. I can show you a picture of me of like, in a black jacket, in a logo this hat, and I'm like, holding the mic like this, and I'm like, and you're like,

you like to tell? I'm like, a little bit. Yeah, yeah. But I mean, it was like, I thought that was, that was like what you would do. You know what I mean? Like, when I saw him and I go like, oh, this is what I should do.

I didn't even think I was doing something, bro. Oh yeah, I mean, if you had seen my first, like, six months of comedy before I got into, like, the shorter jokes and the things that didn't happen to me do with my life, you would be blown away by the Dennis Liri influence. Oh, really? Like, it was a heavy, heavy Dennis Liri influence.

I just thought that's what comedy was. Like, I would beat open mics in L.A. where it's hot as hell. And I'm standing there with my leather jacket over my arm and it's time to go on and I'm like, gotta get the leather jacket and point it at everybody. Like I'm shocked if I ever see an old video. Dude, I have one that was just sent to me. Oh my God, it's so hard to watch.

I mean, so hard to watch. And this is my before my a tell phase was, you're gonna laugh, was my rock phase, my Chris Rock phase. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. That's where it got. I would pace, crouch, I would hit punch lines like this with this hand. I mean, I didn't realize it now. Doing this really, really good.

I didn't realize it at the time that like he was definitely, he was the guy right before I started. Who I was like, this is the best guy. And then so when I start doing, I'm like, I'm just like mimicking who I think the best guy is, you know? And then, yeah, it's so cringey. Like, it's hard to watch.

Oh, I toured with Chris Rock a couple of years ago. He was like, do you wanna open for me? It was like me, Michelle Wolfe and Jeff Ross on his European tour. I was like, fuck yeah, like arenas in Europe. I'm definitely in. I was like, I'm gonna watch every set he does. And I'm gonna learn from the master.

And after watching it twice, I was like, there's nothing I can fucking take from this guy. You know what, it's like be more like a preacher. Like he's just so great at what he does. That I was more like, what are you doing in the green room before? Like, oh, you've got like a vaporizer thing that just like, that you have someone read through

your notes from the night before, so you just like kind of half listening, you just kind of soak it up, like that meant a lot to me. But watching him on stage, I was like, you're too great to learn anything from. Yeah, I was, I mean, I try to tell people now that, you know, you forget that these time periods, you know, they just, they just go away,

but I go, you don't understand when like bring the pain came out. This was pre, you know, you're not streaming anything. So it's an HBO event where people were like, this is the thing, and they would do like four a year. They would do like Karlin, Chris, Robin Williams, and like one other, like huge, like that was a special. It wasn't like today. And man, I remember seeing that special

and being like, what in the fuck? Like I had never laughed so, it was like so smart, so on point, like everything was just like right on the nose, like, and I just, I mean, I was blown away, you know? And then I just, yeah, I just wanted to be that guy. Yeah. I mean, that special, I think, was a turning point for a lot of comedians,

I just never seen someone take batting practice and knock every single pitch to be that guy. Yeah. I mean, that special, I think, was a turning point for a lot of comedians. I just never seen someone take batting practice and knock every single pitch to the fucking moon. Like, it was every single thing killed. I'm like, oh, this is, did you watch the special about Bring the Pain? No, I don't think I did. There was either AMC or A&E, it's in the past couple of years.

It's definitely a joke about it. It's a doc, it could not have a doc about it. Where he's watching clips of it and it's like how he got here, how he prepared for it. And the fact that he went to Washington DC to do it as opposed to somewhere else meant a lot, where like every bit of it's amazing. There's one point where they show him the like the famous,

I love black people, I hate the N word. And it's showing like Ava DuVernay being like, why did he have to do this? Like I love this special, but why? And all these other people being like, oh, I wish he hadn't. It gave white people permission to say the word. And then Chris was like, I stand by it.

It's funny as hell. Like it's the best. It's so great to watch. I remember, I didn't see that, but I remember him talking about, because that bit became like such a, it's like a signature bit of the time, not even of the special, you know?

Like, and he was saying how, he goes, I did that, that bit, I think close to the taping, I think, in Oakland. Yes. And he's like, it went really poorly because it was all N-words. Yeah. It was like, we like to tear up the club. We like it in front of the club. Like, why are you making fun of us? We butt tickets. And then he goes, but I did it in, you know, DC and it just, yeah, I mean, that whole bit, the bit, the whole special, it was just genius, you know. So I think, but I did it in, you know, DC and it just, yeah, I mean, that whole bit, the bit, the whole Special, it was just genius, you know, so I think once I was like, yeah, I'm doing stand-up now.

I was like, well, obviously, I mean, I don't even think I consciously was like, I will imitate him, but it just kind of... No, well, your first year, you get a lot of grit. So you just imitate what you've seen work from other people, whatever you get laughs for, you keep doing. By the end of the year, you better have your voice, or you're in some trouble. Yeah, you know. Dude, I was talking like him too. Talking like a tell? No, like Hampt La Croix.

Oh, like Chris Rock? Yeah. Yeah. I did the thing that really, that I caught myself doing a tell was a tell would do this thing where he would try out a new joke. And by watching every night, you knew it was new, and it wasn't. He would try out a new joke and by watching every night You knew what was known wasn't he would try a new joke that wouldn't get a good response He'd like a right and then you tell an old joke that would always kill an audience

We're gonna nuts and he'd go hey And I just that's so funny to do yeah, you're like mad at the audience for laughing at like an older joke that I did that once And I was like I've got to cut it out. Oh, I see yeah, I remember I fun manorism I did a six like a six- show weekend with him in Brea. And it was one of those things where like Thursday night, he had this one joke where the punchline like killed, right? Friday, and I like the joke, I love that joke. So I'm sitting there just watching him on Friday, early show.

He gets the same joke, changes the punchline to something that doesn't work as well. Late show, a third punchline, Saturday, I was like, he just was trying things every show. He's always cycling through. I was watching, I was like, why would you stop doing the one? He was like, I'm just trying to get a better one. I was like, yeah, I couldn't imagine it, but I mean, David tells the most pure comic ever. I can't think of anybody.

They're not the, he's the greatest, but when you think of a standup comic and what you have to do to keep it going, there'll be a sad day with that kind of tires. Yeah, and also just to be the way that he stays, I don't know what you wanna say motivated or just driven to keep working. I would think at a to keep, you know what I mean, to keep working. I would think at a certain point,

you're like, oh my God, work, you know, but he like works at it. He likes to work, I mean, he doesn't want to do a special. He doesn't want to do an album. He wants to keep working with the same stuff and like, and molding it and perfecting it. Need like, I think, you know, doing the actual show, being in that moment is what his goal is.

Yeah, and so he gets to do that a couple of times a night, whereas me, I'm like, can't wait to fuck. Like every time I leave a city, I'm like, I'm never coming back here again. No, but even whether it's great or not, it's like, I'm just building to the special. And it's like, I never have to do it again. Then you start from scratch at the end. Yeah. Because I think we're on this, like, we have the same, like, you know, we're, we're,

we landed in this time where that's how you work, right? It's like you, in a way that you have the option to yes, you must need to turn it over I was like just think I want to write as many jokes as I can in my lifetime You know that like the sooner I put out a special the sooner I have to do it What I love about you and like I think a Nate does this too is like you'll be like the specials coming out on August 13th Tordate start Augustth, like the new thing that I'm like, oh, that is just fucking printing money. Because it's like, I do a special,

everyone's like, oh, we love this special. You're not gonna see me on the road for years as I've gotta build everything up. But to have people be like, we love this, we get to go see them right now. Yeah. Is amazing. Well, I mean, I remember we talked about it

one time when you were like, yeah, you were like, your story about going to the zoo would be the equivalent of me writing like 60 jokes, you know? I'm like, oh yeah, because I like just, I have jokes in this story, but it fills up 10 minutes. Yeah, I mean, I'm jealous. I'm legitimately jealous of how low your bar is.

Yeah, it's pretty low. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's just like, I talked to my dad today. I've tried to work in like a story, and the audience is like, yeah. Waiting for the twist, and like, this is just a story. Yeah. Even if it's funny, we need that.

We need the twist. Well, I'll write a joke, and I'll just be like, I wrote a joke. And then I'll do it and I'll be like, that's what you get for this hour. And then I get back to what else I'm doing. I mean, I don't know, like you guys, I was always blown away by it, like by like pure joke writing, you know? And like I always had,

I remember I was trying to do stories before I had the skill, like you realize it takes a skill set to do them well. And a skill set but experience. Yeah, yeah. 22 year old telling stories is a lot fucking different than a 42 year old. Oh, yeah. And I didn't, I mean, at the time you don't know it.

And I'm like, I remember just trying to, thinking that the story was funny and like trying to, and having it just absolutely shit. But then like 10 years later, remembering the story, telling it and being able to make it work. Yeah, you know. But I, the only thing worse than that would be like political

comedians when you're in your 20s, are you? Oh yeah. Why? Why are you trying to tell anyone how to vote? It's so insane. It's so funny. Yeah, I mean, most comedians I know, they're like, I don't even respect a comedian.

Someone who's a comedian in their 20s. Like, it's like shit like that. No, I don't hear anything you have to say. No, nothing. That's why I went to jokes, because I was like, I'm't hear anything you have to say. No, nothing. That's why I went to jokes because I was like, I'm sick of eating shit with my stories. Yeah. That no one cares about, like, but if I can do jokes,

like, maybe I'm from another planet. And then you write, like, when you were writing for television, like the late night guys, you're just like writing like dozens of jokes a day, right? Just like, I was writing like 7580. And I was, it was different because I started on the show. It was me and one other guy. What? 7580. And we didn't know what he like he didn't have a voice yet. So we didn't know what he

was gonna like day to day. He wasn't like oh he loves this topic. This is Fallon? Yes, it's Fallon. It wasn't like he was like oh Fallon's gonna win another octomont joke. He would be like psyched about one one day and not want to hear it the next. The things got old quickly, so we're just firing them out. Instead of writing your best 10 and giving those in, you just have to give them 80 and be like, maybe he'll like something from this, but they wanted numbers.

Jesus. How many of you are like 80 do you feel like, these are like, really solid? I'd have maybe five that I would be like, if this got in the show I'd be happy. Yeah. I remember once I had my wrote on a pilot for a Jonah Ray. Mm-hmm. Video game one?

Yeah, the video game one. We heard him so. Yeah. Yeah. And Kumail and I were writers on it, along with a couple other like writer producer guys. And I had this joke. I forget, I forget the details of the joke. But it's like, it's in the script, it's going to be.

And I'm like, I'm like, Paul Jonah's in the script it's gonna be. And I'm like, pulled Joe and I side out. I don't know why I'm like, hey, you know, the whole thing is man, like don't, if you don't like any of these, like don't say a joke you don't wanna say. He's like, I don't wanna say that one. And it was mine. I was like, you just give it a shot, man.

Just like, you know what I mean? Like just see if you like it. He was like, I just said I don't wanna do it. I'm like, yeah, but I think we should leave it in. And I didn't tell him it was mine. That's better though. I had a guy once come into me on a show, it was like the burn or something,

like a Jeff from a hosting show. And they're like, why don't you wanna do, the writer comes, he's like, hey, why didn't you wanna do this one joke? Like, I'm like, I usually come in with my stuff. And whenever I do like a talking head thing, they're like, so we're gonna ask you questions. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, let me cut you off.

I've written down jokes for all your questions. Just let me just say them. And if you wanna ask it again, you can, but I do my thing. And I was like, why didn't you wanna do this one? I was like, oh, I just didn't like the joke. I didn't, and then I halfway through, I'm like, why?

And he goes, I wrote it. I'm like, don't do that to me. Don't come in and ask why I didn't like the joke. When I clearly said no, you don't do that to me. Don't come in and ask like, why didn't like the joke when I clearly said no. Yeah, you don't need the reasoning. Yeah, but yeah. I did another one where a different comedy central pilot where I wrote on where the head writer,

I mean, I'm like total newbie. I don't know what I'm, you know, like how writing staff job, and none of it works. He's like, he gives me these no cards and he's like, you know, here's like five jokes of like for each topic, and there's like five topics. So he's like, just pull out like, he's like, pull good ones for each of these topics. So like, I pulled for the five topics

and it's all the different writers jokes, like for the, of the five pulled mine out. And then he was like, are these all yours? And I was like, mm-hmm. He was like, no man, we gotta be right next to that. I'm like, I these all yours? And I was like, mm-hmm. He was like, no man, we got to be on the next level. I was like, I don't like it now. I realized when I was a kid, I'm the oldest to five kids. It was like five kids in seven years.

And we went to Montessori School. We all got to Montessori School. And this is like the year after I've left, like I've got three sisters in the school at one point. And they're doing like an end of the year presentation. And my dad was like an amateur photographer and they were like, Tony Justin, like would you do like the slideshow of all the kids

and they gave them all these pictures to do a slideshow. And then they're sitting there and they're watching it. It's like a picture of my sisters playing and then like, oh, it's like another picture of like one of my other sisters and then it's like, oh, like the first 20 slides are just his family. He was like, well those are the best pictures that everyone was mad. Yeah, of course, like everyone was mad.

The best pictures of your family. Yeah, like how did you not think this would look at? I don't know this about you, so that's what I want to ask. This is like the time where there is just like so much heat behind conspiracy theories. Like it used to be like fringe, like when we were kids, you'd hear about somebody saying something like, you know, the moon landing and you're like, what? And then now it's like because of social media, because internet voices are louder, you're able to like round up more people about

it. What are you a conspiracy theory guy or no? I think it's the dumbest shit in the world. Okay. I think it's the dumb. And people are like, do your own research. Like, there are people that do the research. Like, have dedicated their lives to doing the research. I believe them.

Like, I believe science. I believe the New York Times. And I think these people are all nuts. The fact that like, the flat earth is becoming a thing again is completely insane to me and they all sound like that. Have you ever seen, there are clips on YouTube of flat earthers conducting like a real scientific experiment

and then the experiment reveals that it's not flat and they're like the fuck man. And they're messing up. Yeah, yeah. They're blown. There's multiple clips like that. They have like millions of views and you see them there like, I don't know man, it looks like it's not flat.

They're like super upset. Yeah, they're like committed themselves to this. I don't know what they get out of it. Even like the moon landing, I don't know what you get out of believing that it didn't happen. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, people you talk about like the frame rates and it looks like there's wires happen. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, people talk about the frame rates and it looks like there's wires there.

Yeah. I mean, the funny thing about something like that, you go, do you realize the level, like the level of communication and agreement that it would take amongst this many people to keep that secret going? You would have to kill every single person who was in the people to keep that secret going. You would have to kill every single person who was in the room to keep that a secret.

How many people were there? The government fucks up so much stuff. The idea they could pull that off is, You can't get four people to agree on an appetizer. You think that fucking 300 people in a space where like, we're all wrong, get me quiet about that. No one's gonna want credit for filming the moon landing,

or for faking that at some point. It's wild. Yeah, okay. So that's, because I'm basically like, I hear most of them and I just nod. I'm like, what's nice? Like when somebody shares their, but I just don't, I don't really engage it.

I just kind of go like, I can't believe you think this. It's so dumb to me that I can't, if I even try to respond, but I just don't hang out with people who are like that. And I just, it boggles the mind that you would not listen to scientists. I remember like a political cartoon being like,

someone's, it's like a third-year-old airplane and they're like, I'm basically these pilots to think they can do everything. Who says I should fly the plane? It's like, that's what you sound like to me. Yeah, like these people train their whole lives to do this. I hated science. As a kid, I hated math.

So people who didn't and were good at it, I believe them when they tell me things. Do your own research is so stupid. It's all that queuing on shit. Yeah, did you look into it, man? Yeah, I'm like, if you look at these videos, like watch this video I sent you and you'll realize the Fauci's full of shit,

you're like, the guy has been doing science for like 70 years. I believe him. Or when people go like, you know, somebody like Fauci got something wrong. I'm like, yeah, I mean, that happens too. You know, human beings are valuable. And he admits like, yeah, at the time I thought I was right and not the data changes. So like science can evolve like, okay. We didn't know we were dealing with.

Yeah, that's fine. That seems reasonable can evolve. Okay. We didn't know we were dealing with it. Yeah, that's fine. That seems reasonable to me. Tole. Yeah, I despised the law. Yeah, I mean, it's such a loud voice now. It used to be clearly somebody just walking in circles at a bus stop. That's a conspiracy theorist, you know?

And it's like you got to respect my opinion. It's like, that's not your opinion, you're totally wrong. Yeah. You're totally wrong. Yeah, I don't have to respect that. Yeah, like you respect my religion, like I'll respect your religious beliefs, but I'm not gonna be like, oh yes, of course,

like this on the third day, like I can't do that. Yeah, you hear that, Nadav? That was for you. Can people, like people listening to the podcast can hear them laughing? Yeah. Yeah. Did they get paid by how loud they are? No, no, no.

No, they just, they just, some people love it. Some don't. Yeah. I could believe that. So one thing I learned about you just before we rolled today, I cannot believe that you were in a fraternity. I was in a fraternity, yeah. I just, it doesn't add up to me.

Like, Bert Kreischer, I'm like, yeah, I get it. We went to very different schools. Like Florida State fraternity was way different than a Tulane University fraternity. There were only like eight at the time. I think there's like five now. At Tulane? Yeah. They keep getting kicked off, because you're in New Orleans. You don't need University fraternity. There were only eight at the time. I think there's like five now. That Tulane? Yeah.

They keep getting kicked off, because you're in New Orleans. You don't need a fraternity. Yeah, that's true. You just went to bars all the time. Even in a fraternity, we went to bars all the time. But my freshman year,

my first semester freshman year, I had friends who, we live on a co-ed floor. We all became good friends. And two of my friends were very gregarious, and would go out and meet people. And they got like early bids into a fraternity. This fraternity called ATL.

And they're like, yeah, these guys are like the crazy ones. They don't do like the normal like, formals and stuff. They're just like the idiots, like animal house. And that rang a bell on my head. I was like, I love the animal house. So one night me and my one of my other friends

drank like an entire bottle of whiskey, like pre-gaming, and then could not go out. We like couldn't walk. So our friends just took us down the street and just opened up the fraternity house. They had the code because they'd already been let in and just threw us on the couches. And we passed out for hours. We wake up. Don't know where we are. Destroy the house. Flip couches, tearing things off the wall, throwing things everywhere, and then we went back to sleep. So the fraternity guys come home at like three in the morning and they're like, what the fuck is this? And I'm like, what the fuck is this?

And they loved it. They lived so for the night, they're like, you guys are awesome, you guys are crazy. And we spent the night breaking into other fraternity houses like tearing shit up. And then they just loved us for the rest of the year. And then like in the next semester when it was supposed to be like, that's when you actually rushed and do everything.

My grades were so bad, my parents were like, you were not going into fraternity. So I had to like sneak under the radar and do it. And I hated pledging so much. Yeah. Being a pledge. And like all these guys being mean to me. And at the end of the day, we're brothers now. And I'm like, I hate you all.

And so for the next three years, I never paid dues. I never came around. Like I lived next door to the frat house my senior year and never was there. So you did a couple of friends? No. But my best friend to this day, who I have a podcast with,

was in that, I got, I wouldn't have met him if not for that opportunity, but we both knew that this was not for us and just kind of one along with it, but it too Lane being a fraternity meant nothing because you just again you went out to bars and drank wherever wow Yeah, I am I remember I had my like reservations about it, you know, went to a really small school and I was like, man, I don't think I should. And then a couple, I forget what it is, the couple of opportunities offered to me, you know, or whatever it is to the bed.

Yeah. And it was like in the mailbox at the, you know, student center, and I didn't do it. But I remember this is felt frat like that on the freshman hall, there was a real fucking lunatic in one of the dorms and he had a very passive roommate. And this dude was a fucking real crazy person. So you would hear death metal,

like loud as fuck coming out of this room and you go down there and you're like, hey, what's up? And it's like, it could be like 11 o'clock at night and it's full blast. And you're like, what's going's up? And it's like, it could be like 11 o'clock at night, and it's full blast. And you're like, what's going on? And his roommate is sleeping. I'm like, how was he asleep?

I mean, full blast. And he was like, it's my fucking room, you know? I was like, whoo, he goes, you wanna see some shit? And I'm like, yeah, okay. He goes, check this out. And he put on brass knuckles. I swear to God. And he goes, watch this.

And full over the top, punches that dude in the ass cheek. And you just see a guy who's completely, you just go, like he would wake up. And I would sit there and laugh so hard, but I would be like, you're a fucking monster man. Oh, he would do the shit like that felt like a fraternity. He would do horribly abusive shit to him. My freshman year, I'm like, I'm so excited to go to Tulane.

I'm so excited. I had never seen New Orleans before I went down for my first day of school, but I'm so pumped. And I get there, and my roommate is a Navy Rotsie kid. He's got the shaved head, his room is immaculate, he's shining his shoes all the time. He wakes up at five in the morning every day, goes to bed at like 11 and I was a nightmare.

I was like a total nightmare to be a roommate with because I was going out drinking all night, coming home at six in the morning, like snoring all day, my room was, some side of the room was trashed, never did laundry, and I found out later on that when you fell out your roommate forms, you're like, what kind of person are you? Like on a scale of one to 10, are you messy or clean?

I put, I was honest about who I was. I'm a future comedian, this is how I act. You really did? Yeah, and my dad, before he mailed it in, looked at it, was like, nah, my son, and made everything like a one, which is how I got signed up with the Rotsie kid. And I found out years later, and I was like,

Dad, you ruined his life. Like I still just did whatever I was gonna do. But that kid, I mean, he could have made friends and I got a real social life at school. Like you were awful to both of us. That's, yeah, that, I mean, having somebody set you up with the wrong roommate is a big fucking deal.

Yeah. I had like a real weird, like rich kid, freshman year, who would spend, he saw him, like how I lived and he was like, I don't wanna really spend a lot of time in here. He would, he would leave for long weekends, which was great. And then we had bunk beds in the freshman dorms,

and I would let people sleep in his bed, which is so disrespectful. And then he would get back, and he would be like, did someone sleep in my bed, and I'd be like, no. He's like, there's long black hairs in my bed. And I was like, I don't know, man. The housekeeper, probably. I used to put on my roommates, Navy Uniform,

and walk around when he was out of town for the weekend. Really? Someone's like, you will get arrested. You will get thrown into jail for wearing a Navy, like a Navy Uniform that's not yours, do not do that. And I was like, okay, all right, thanks for letting me know. And you'd wear that around town?

I would just wear it around campus, like thinking it was funny. Holy shit. Thank God, like if any of the Navy kids saw me, they would just beat the shit out of me on the spot. But, I would just like wear it around the quad, thinking it was like, hey, check it out. Is it like the whites?

Or? It was like a Navy blue, you know, over, but it was clearly a Navy uniform. How did you get it? It was in my roommates. My roommates, Navy Watson. Oh, wow, okay, okay. And then you guys are, are you guys, is this one your friends with now or no?

No, no, no. After freshman year, he was like, do you wanna live together again? I was like, you're out of your mind. I'm going off and getting a house. And like, I've lived with that guy. That guy's my best friend now. Okay.

We've lived together in like five different places. Oh wow. Is he the one you podcasted with? Mm-hmm. What's the podcast again? It's called JRVP, the Jesselnick and Rosenthal Vanity Project. It's a Greg Rosenthal. It's called JRVP, the Jettelnick and Rosenthal Vanity Project. It's a Greg Rosenthal, is my best friend.

I'm Godfather to it. Like imagine the person who would make me Godfather to their kids, like how trusting you'd have to be. Very. He's an analyst for the NFL network. So he has his own podcast, he does his own thing. And we were like, he's an actual analyst for them. Yeah. He's gone TV and stuff and writes for them. And at the time, I was like,

let's do something together. So we would go, we would like sneak into the NFL. He'd sneak me in in the NFL and we would do an NFL podcast, like talking about off the field issues. And like every week his boss would be like, you get fired for this. Like Anthony's going to be fine, but you could get fired, but we were having too much fun. So at the end of like 16 weeks, they were like, okay, that's the end of season one. And then I get the fuck out of here, and we ended up bringing it back. And you would do it at NFL Network or something. So I'm kind of fascinated by this.

How did he develop the knowledge to be an analyst? You know what I mean? Did he play football? Did he? No, I mean, he doesn't look at anything like a football player. I don't think he ever played at any level. But he obviously, so he likes the game. But then, don't you have to, like, if you're not working in coaching or as a player, how do you learn?

He was a smart guy, love sports writing. And I mean, when we lived together, we moved to LA together, and he was working at a production company and hated it. And really, it was like, I want to be a sports writer. And God, and we started working at Fox, but like going on Sundays and watch all the games and like, help other people who are analysts, like to them stats and stuff. And then just kept writing and kept writing, ended up working for Roto World.

Remember Roto World? It was like the first fantasy sports thing before fantasy sports exploded. Roto World got bought by NBC, and at this point he's gravitating towards football more than anything else. I think because fantasy was so big. Fantasy, you would see.

But you play fantasy? No. I'm Pittsburgh guy, so I didn't mean because fantasy was so big. Fantasy, but you play fantasy? No. I'm Pittsburgh guy, so I can't even imagine brooding for another player and another team. I just never got any. I love football. Yeah. I've played from fourth grade through high school.

And I just thought that football was the only thing I need. Like, you know what I mean? Entertainment-wise, playing-wise, I just football, football, football. And people would get so excited when fantasy stuff started. And I was entertainment wise, playing wise, I just, football, football, football. And people would get so excited when fantasy stuff started. And I was just like, oh yeah, it just doesn't do anything for, I don't know to tell you.

Now I love watching the games. Yeah, but I don't gamble, I don't, I don't play fantasy, but I love watching. Like the idea of like my team winning, the Steelers winning, but I lost the bet because they didn't cover is I can't have that. Like that's infuriating to me. But yeah, he just eventually worked his way up

from NBC Sports to, he was like the guy telling Chris Collins worth what to say. Jesus. I won't point. And then he went to the NFL and he's been there ever since. So he has a deep knowledge, because like some of those guys, I'm like, how the fuck do you even know this without like, if you're not like a John Grootan type where you can,

like, you know, you ever seen him break down a film where you're like, oh my godot in type where you can like you know you're seeing him break down Film we're like oh my god like it's so so intricate like if you're not that type or have access to like a job like that being like a G.A. Or you know something like you're an assistant to somebody. I don't even know how they how they because it's amazing When you see it done in real time you're watching a game and immediately the breakdown happens for those guys get it wrong They're like this guy got beat. got beat, that's not his job. Yeah, his job was to cover short. This guy got beat back. This guy was out of position.

I think they said someone said in football on every single place someone messes up. Right. You know, somebody that fucks up their assignment or doesn't do. Which is why I do your job. It's such a big thing. Exactly.

But I can't tell you who's doing what. I have no idea. Yeah, I mean, I don't, I mean, I, the thing that I love about a great, like, analyst in a game, or you're watching, like, Collins, with like, when you see the play, you just see like the sack and you're like, oh, you got him.

But like when he immediately tells you how the, how protection broke down. Oh, when Tony Ramos tells you what's gonna happen. Oh, that's amazing. And it does, it's the best. It's amazing. He's like, this is gonna be, this is gonna be a screen right here to the right.

And you're like, what? And then it happens. And he's like, yeah, I know because he watched film all week and he has, you know, thousands of hours of playing in his head, but yeah, I love that man. Yeah, me too. Cause I feel like it's, it's something where I already love the game

and you're highlighting something to me that makes me go like, oh, even there's more there. I can learn more. I thought, you think you know the game and then you're like, oh, shit. Talk to a pro and explain to you like, it's a different language. Yeah, I've talked to some pro guys about little things and I go like, yeah, dude, in 30 years, I've never, that pro guys about little things and I go like, yeah dude, in 30 years,

I've never, that never occurred to me. Yeah, never occurred to me. I love it though, I could watch, I could sit on a film session, I feel like I just eat it up. I don't know, I don't know if I'd get too bored. Really? Like I love watching the games,

but it's like part of it's the way they're shot. I mean the way that, I mean the camera's going, but if you just set a camera up like wide angle and it's part of it's the way they're shot. I mean, the camera's going, but if you just set a camera up wide angle, and it's like, let's watch this open over again. Yeah, I would lose it. Yeah, I just feel like if it made me feel like I now have a higher understanding of what's going on, I feel like I could get into it. That dude, now he's coaching again, but he said that when Grooton retired

from coaching initially, he set up a room, like a, at an office in Tampa, that's just full of game tape, like full of tape, and he would just go there every day and break down film for himself. It's insane. Coaches love to break down tape. Yeah. I mean, there was like a guy,

I was like, coach, a coach of some like SEC school, and there was like a hurricane coming. And then like, you gotta, like, you've got a baton down the hatches and wait, and he was like, told his wife, I'm gonna go into the film office, and throughout the hurricane,

I'm gonna watch film. The wife was like, you're staying here with your fucking family asshole. You're not going anywhere, and it's like, all these coaches just wanna break down tape 24-7. That's a big coach that gets four hours of sleep a week and is breaking down tape the rest of it sounds like a miserable life.

Yeah, and I love college ball and the thing about you have a fantasy, right? Your head of like, I wish I could work in this field. Like, is it a momentary kind of passing fantasy. Every young man wants to work in sports in some capacity at some time. But the reality of a high-level college coach's life, you're like, fuck that. Yeah. Where they are, they're at the, you know, they're at like, five, thirty or six, and then it's film and it's coaching and conditioning, and then they get in their car and then they got to go recruit players and it never ends. Oh, yeah. You know, massaging boosters, you know, not even the guys who are painting one of the

table, the people who are like, we'll get you fired if we don't like what you do at this dinner. You know, that seems like a nightmare. Yeah. And then you have to have that, that weekly, you know, like kind of junk it with those people and then you have to do your radio show and you have to sit there with some dipshit who's asking you about the play calling last week when you guys lost every week. I mean, the only coach, the only college coach that I've ever envied,

that I've been like, that guy had a great life. Sandoski. You know, Jerry Sandoski, I think, just knew like, he didn't have to take it too seriously. You know what I mean? Like, you know, Jerry Sintesky, I think, just knew like, he's not gonna take it too seriously. You know what I mean? Like, you know, it's not all business, you can have some pleasure in there. Other than that. Oh man. Oh, we were all waiting for that, weren't we?

So what? Fuck. Steelers this year, you think good things bad things? I have no idea, man. I really have, I'm glad Ben's back, but it could be a disaster. I mean, every team now is orange. Is he like orange?

He's like, he's 38, I think. It's wild when you go, when you think about the fact that like with Brady or like, so my entire like working life, when I had like bullshit jobs and restaurants and then post production and then I was a, and those are open-micro and that whole time until today he's been in the NFL. It's insane. Well, there's a point when you're a kid there's always that thing in the back of your head

that like he's older. You know this guy who just jumped over three years, he's older than me but maybe one day. I can still be in the NBA if I wanted to. But now it's crazy to see these players who's just, the kicker? Vinotary. Yeah, Vinotary was 48. Fuck. I mean, that's insane to me. But I mean, the Steelers, it's like one injury away.

I thought they were gonna be amazing last year and then the defense fell apart. Ben fell apart. I think Ben's gonna have a better elbow this year than he did last year. Are you a guy that do you go to Pittsburgh and go to games and everything? I only get to Pittsburgh a couple times a year

and I would only get there for the Christmas game, which is like a game. It's like week 17, nothing's on the line. It's a night game against Carolina and it's just freezing as cold. Football, I would much rather watch indoors. I see a hockey game anytime in Pittsburgh, go see baseball game anytime in Pittsburgh because those are better live

Yeah, especially at those those better arena that that stadium football. I hate watching it That life I hate it. I'm kind of the same way like where I Been to a number of games live and I just go as much as this is definitely my favorite sport I'd rather be on a couch and you know just Honestly just enjoying it more, seeing the game more. You can see everything, you have no idea what's happening. NBA's fun life. I don't know if you're going to NBA games.

I have a little bit, but I'm not that big basketball guys. It's not as fun. I've taken my godkids to a game, and that was fun to kind of see them. People treat you much differently at a game when you show up with little kids. Then when you're there, like to there like to dudes like drinking beers. Yeah.

That I enjoyed that experience, but hockey, I love life. Hockey live is the best of all the life sports. I've been to a few, I've been to a couple of kings games. And then like years ago when I was a kid I went to, they were called the Minnesota North Stars before they moved, but yeah, the games are, it's an intense fun atmosphere. It's just so fast fast you can see everything.

On TV, you're just like hoping your guy comes from the other side of the screen to the puck like, you really are just hoping, you have no idea. But watching it live is really fun. And those do's are savages man. Hockey players are fucking out of their minds. Yeah. Doing that shit on fucking skates, slamming into people

with that speed. What are you doing? Like 60 miles an hour, you're hitting that guy? Oh, like smoke cigarettes and get wasted after every game. Like they don't care about that. They're missing teeth and their faces are cut up and they're like, yeah, fuck it.

Yeah, they love it. That's a little different than, you know, people who flop. I mean, listen to like a hockey interview versus like an interview in any other sport. Hockey guys are all, it could be the same guy given every interview. They have no ego whatsoever. They don't say anything that will be inflammatory. They're the complete opposite. They're very

humble. The opposite of every other sport. Yeah, that's true. I think they're really self-police the game. Yeah, I think you're right. I've never really thought about that, but it must be part of like the coaching, like the upbringing, getting into that sport of like being humble like truly and a team player and you ain't shit and yeah, there's also a humbling game. Yes, you know, like yeah, just the fact that there's sticks and ice in this fucking puck flying around at 100 miles an hour. Yeah, that's a humbling environment to be like in football. It's like the guys talking about shit, but like yeah, he's the wide receiver. They get to do that. Yeah, we let them do that. The quarterback can't get away with it,

but the wide receiver can and hockey, there's no wide receivers. Everyone's dealing with it. And if you do get out of line, they'll let you know on the ice. Yeah, it's funny because NFL definitely has like, there's diva positions. You know, wide receiver, DBs, big times. Yeah, I like, I laugh so hard at Jalen Ramsey, like post-game interviews, they're hilarious. Yeah. He's like, there's nobody like sass in people

and then we like, to the reporter. He's like, diddy? Yeah. Diddy? Like, doing all the show where you're like, it is entertainment. Like, people are like, pisses me off. I'm like, that's fucking fine, entertain me.

Anytime it makes some amount, I'm like, you're racist. Yeah. If this makes you mad, if Richard Sherman looking right into the camera and screaming at the top of his lungs, it makes you mad, then you are racist because that was awesome. Yeah, yeah, that was awesome. You just don't like black people that are all sassy and shit.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Black people that talk shit upset you. Yeah, you might want to look in inside for a moment If you do a touchdown dance and someone screams act like you've been there before. Oh, yeah, you are racist Yeah, yeah, yeah, and also you've never scored a touchdown Never yeah, never if I can I used to think like my senior year

I was played high school ball just to be on like special teams like and I'm Western Pennsylvania where it was like Yeah, it was the shit and I could not play football at all But I was like special teams would be fun and they was like, it was the shit and I could not play football at all, but I was like, special teams would be fun. And they would like, they'd get kicked off the team immediately. You would like have one hand on a tackle, rip your helmet off and be running around like, like dancing in circles for 10 minutes.

Like yeah, I would go crazy if I could have scored a touchdown. No, no, no. I never scored a touchdown. I find it. Would you play? I played D tackle. I played linebacker when I was younger.

I played Diff his tackle in high school. I played on Would you play? I played detackle. I played linebacker when I was younger. I played Diffus at tackle in high school. I played on the O line too. I had like, sacks, you know, fours fumbles, fumble recoveries. I had interception before. All things like, I have a, I had a sack where I definitely did a ridiculous, you know, sort of whatever celebration after.

Yeah, but it's like, it's in the moment, you know. Yeah. I mean, it's, how is it, how are you not excited? I can't imagine if you score a touchdown, especially at that level. Oh yeah. There's fucking 100,000 people there. What, you're gonna be like, here you go, sir.

Yeah. Like, okay. Yeah, I'm gonna sit here and pray, get the fuck out of here. Yeah, I'm gonna do a little dance. Do a dance. I want a dance. I mean, I find it boring to hand it to the ref, you know?

I would be mad if I didn't get it penalty afterwards. Are you going on tour? No, I've got like, it's gonna be at least a year before I can get back on the road. Seriously. Yeah, that's the fun. I just need to get the material and I'm getting up almost every night,

but it's incremental, it's slowly but surely, that hopefully any year I'll have 45, 50, I can go to clubs and then build that from 45 to 50, do an hour and then theaters. But I can't wait to get back out. It's, I know, dude. Like you feel it now, right, that things are opening up. Like it's really happening.

Yeah, yeah. Although it does kind of feel like to me, it's only happening here. I'm meaning in the United States. Like every time I look at like World News and stuff. Oh yeah. I wouldn't be booking those European shows just yet. No, but like, and I think it's gonna get bad again.

You do? Yes. I think there'll be some sort of backslide. I don't know if it'll be as bad as it was, but too many people are being too cavalier that I just don't know. And luckily, my circle, my social circle is very small. Like you're one of like, I don't talk to that many people

even when I go out and do shows. I'm kind of like off on my own that I don't worry about myself so much, but I can just see. In the fact that California is like so excited right now for how far we've come, I'm like, it could dip real quick. Yeah, and then like things are like open open now. Mm-hmm. I think today's the first day, like you don't have to wear a mask at the gym, which is big. Yeah, big thing. Yeah, it was like all over the, like they're like California is open again.

But this state's too crazy for shit to just function the way it should. You know, we have 40 million people. Yeah, but it's like, it's some of the states in the South that just never believed it ever, that are still have like, that are still in the middle of an outbreak that I think those guys, like Michigan I worry about, you know,

just places that never took it seriously and aren't going to, that one variant comes along and just knocks everyone on the rise. Yeah, yeah, it's a really fun time we're living in, man. Mm-hmm, really exciting. Yep. JRVP, yep. Available, which date does it come out?

Comes out Tuesdays, Tuesday nights. Tuesdays, it's audio only We add video at some point. I had something like this I would love to but I wanted to look good You know even when we did that we did I want like a live stream by tickets and since my you know my friend Am I producer do stuff for the NFL? They had like a the O ring set up. They looked great. I look like complete shit like my lighting is terrible I don't have a good back room.

We can get you some of that stuff though. And I was like, maybe when you guys abandon this for Austin, then I can take it over. All right, I'll see you in September. Seems like a lot of work. Yeah, a little bit. It's always good to see you, man. It's always a pleasure.

Thank you for coming. Thank you for doing this. Thanks for having me. And yeah, you guys check out JRVP every Tuesday, and we'll see you next week Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert, one goes top and swap the other, wears a shirt Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean

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