2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 95 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: August 23, 2021

SPONSORS: - Head to https://PolicyGenius.com/CAVE to get started right now. Policygenius. When it comes to insurance, it’s nice to get it right. - Go to https://WHOOP.com and use code “Bears” at checkout to save yourself 15% off today. - Go to https://MillerLite.com/CAVE to find delivery options near you. It's Miller Time. - Go to https://BlackRifleCoffee.com/BEARS today to get the new Cold Brew Packs. -Save 35% by going to https://BeamTLC.com/BEARS or use the code BEARS at checkout.  - Get 20% Off + Free Shipping at https://Manscaped.com/BEARS Today on 2 Bears 1 Cave, Bert and Tom discuss pool bathing, Bill Cosby and the worst types of hecklers. After that, they guys talk about Dax Shepard, Bert's surgery and review the odds of dying from various things. Lastly, Tom and Bert discuss the balance of alcohol and work, then look at some old photos of Bert drinking on a morning radio show.

Can I tell you I am not the person that's aware of side effects? You don't know what a side effect is. I would never pick out a side effect. When you're a big drinker, you have so many side effects on a daily basis that you just go, well, I guess that's because I'm an alcoholic. 100% Alright. Ah, man.

How do you meet celebrities? Like, how do you know, how do you, like, how do you get these people for Tom talks? Um, do you know these people? Like the music guy to lib qually? No, the other music Christian hand. The guy in the, yeah, yeah, how do you meet? How do you know that guy? Uh, I was, um, I didn't know him.

I was put on to his live, um, the session live IG is the page. So I was told about it. Uh, and then I went and I listened, so I was told about it. And then I went and I listened, like I watched him do a couple sessions and I commented a couple times and he was shouting me out on those. So then when he did that, I just messaged him.

And then he jokingly on one of the sessions was like, yeah, you know, I had to get on the podcast sometime and I was like let's do it That's the funniest was now we're gonna do a live show together. Do you know what I'm doing in a couple weeks I probably I probably are have already done it what is 85 South. Oh those guys are great I cannot fucking wait. Here's my problem though is like like I wonder if I'm such an old hip hop fan Mm-hmm that I won't relate to them at all. No, you'll be fine. Are you doing it? Yeah, I talked to Carlos.

Carlos texted the other day. Pull up Carlos Miller. Yeah, I think it's Carlos Miller. Yeah, with the K. K Carlos. His put type in his Twitter real quick. Go to his Twitter. Twitter, Twitter.

Twitter. By the way, these guys are fucking playing legit arenas right now. They're doing big stuff. They're doing, were we doing, were we're doing, keep scrolling until you see him reply to me. He goes, is this true? Poe would have been easier to go to my fucking Twitter. Yeah. It's very, definitely easier. You know, it's true. Poetment easier to go to my fucking Twitter. It's very, very definitely easier to go to my Twitter. And then you'll get a kick out of this. Okay.

Go to my Twitter and it's like, it's gotta be the top. Oh, there you go. Okay, click that link. So go to the scroll up, scroll up, scroll up, and then read that one. Read the top one, and then read the top one. Where he's doing gag, gag, gag. Yeah, I'm with them on this bathing.

Two little kids every day is a lot of work. Plus, it can really dry out their skin. They spend the day outside in the dirt and they need a bath. So, ask the cooher and Mila Coonis said they don't bat their kids. I'm paraphrasing in a very incorrect way right now, by the way. They said they don't bat their kids every day. Can you look that up? Yeah, oh yeah. So, ask the cooher and okay, this is going to be the perfect storm of bullshit right here.

Cause Acid Cooture and Mila Kunis went on to act Shepard's podcast, who has not invited me or you on his podcast. He has not invited either of his podcast, despite us sometimes talking shit about him. Wait, go to, go back one for that quote. I didn't have hot water growing up as a child, so I didn't shower very much anyway.

She grew up in the same. You crane, I think. I wasn't that parent that bathed my newborns ever. All right. Yeah, so meal, Kunis, and Ashton Koocher go on Dax Shepherd's podcast. And Dax and Creston, Christian Bell, we're talking about bathing their kids

as a nighttime ritual. Right. Like how often do you bathe your kids? With every night. Okay, we bathe our kids every day. Yeah, every day. Every day. And they were saying that that's part of the nighttime ritual.

And then asking Kooja and Meal Koonas who everyone listening to this knows, I got mad respect for what they're about to say. They go, no, we don't bathe our kids. We barely bathe our kids. If there's dirt on them, we'll clean it off, right? Yeah. But we're not gonna bathe them all the time

because that's not part of the thing. And then they just jump into the conversation and they go, we don't shower that much. Asking future meal goodness is like, we don't shower that much. And I think, I'm not even, don't quote me on this, but I think Asking Cooture says, and pools count as showers.

I'm almost certain, don't quote me on this, but I think Ashton Koocher says, and Poole's count is showers. I'm almost certain, don't quote me on that, but I'm almost certain 100% allegedly Pat Ashton Koocher said, if you go in the pool, that's the same as the shower. Yeah, okay. I'm certain of you said that. Let's say, I mentioned the clue to it. By the way, don't let me forget to tell you my doc's

Shepherd story, which is another reason we have not been invited on that guy's podcast. We should have him as a guest bear one time. Sure, when someone's out of town, and don't, I don't think we'd be going on his podcast. I don't think we wanna meet his fans. I think our fans would like him. Okay, I don't think all his fans would like what we stand for.

No, what do we stand for? But we're not like he is, like he's like good wholesome. Is he? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I guarantee you he doesn't call Kristen Bell and go, he's okay if I fuck Adrian Ketchik with a strap on and I'll put it on backwards like a tail and jerk myself off. I guarantee you, I'm sure you think that. Like I'm certain Dax Shepherd has the same brain we do.

I am certain Dax Shepherd, if we were in a room with them, we're like, yo man, we're gonna run a train on 80 or in Tetschick, and we're gonna do it with Dildos. So we're not cheating. I, 100% guarantee Jack Shepherd's like, I'm in. I'm in. And then we go, should we call our wives? He's like, oh, that's a bad idea.

That's a bad idea. Let me ask you, what's your Jack Shepherd story? Hold on, let's finish with the action coochering. I didn't see it. Okay, ask you, what's your deck shepherd story? Hold on, let's finish with the Ashen Coochie. I didn't see it. Okay, type in Ashen Coochie. Showering. That's how we get to Carlos Miller. That's how we get to the 85 South Show.

Okay. Ashen Coochie. All right. How about his, how about you type in Pools Count? Don't try to just start in Pools Count? Don't try to do that. Pools. Pools.

Pools. Pools. Pools. Pools. Pools. Pools. Pools. Pools.

Pools. Pools. Pools. Pools. Pools. Pools. Pools. Pools. Pools. Pools. P. Half of American. Half of Americans. And I think I started that trend.

I Would argue that if you went back two years ago, people would be like, huh? Pool bath. What's that? But did you pay pool bath today today? I'm going to the hospital onto it to pull bath. You really? Yeah, you should really Really, really show it. Yeah, actually, two. I'm For it. Yeah, considering I have a shower in a little bit. I would take one at night, and then take one in the morning. What time are you supposed to check in? 2.20, 2.40. Okay, here's what you should do. You should take a shower tonight, a real one.

Yeah. And then in the morning, I have to do whatever you want to do. Yeah. Take a shower. Okay. Also, 2.20 is your check in. So you can actually have breakfast.

Don't forget that too. Why? You can get up really early and eat. Like what, four in the morning? Well, what time is your surgery? I'm gonna talk to the pre-op today. Your surgery's gonna be at least an hour after, like, three, 30 or something, right?

No, my surgery's at 240. Your surgery's at 240, so you're checking in. Like, 140. Okay, so am I already getting excited? You're just talking about this. Yeah, no, you can't eat then. Yeah. It's 12 hours, okay.

I'm doing it today if I can get today. You can have big dinner? I'm gonna fucking fuck up food tonight. Yeah, I'm gonna fucking I'm gonna eat like What do you have? I'm gonna do Italian. There you go. That's probably a bad idea because I might have asked for reflux in the middle of the afternoon I'm ready for that. I want the cocktail. They give me when they just go my go ham a little nervous Yeah, they'll do it and they'll load me up I go, and then I just want to get to the place and I tell you what I want to do. Also, I told him to do this last night.

So it was a good idea. So they go, we're gonna have you count back from 100 and I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. Red rocks, I'll be performing air September rays. You're gonna do a promo? I do a promo. For the, for the, for the going on. For the operation.

Red rocks September a there's a it's the best feeling it is the best is it is this coming out before September eight thank god when you like don't you because when you try to go to sleep it can you know it's hit her sometimes you drift sometimes but when it's automatic like when they're they be like, hey man, you like movies?

You're like, all right. Like, it's the best. I love it. Do you think Bill Cosby's watching this going, that's what I said. That's what I used to do. That's what I said. Don't you like going on shit, babe?

Movie. Allegedly. All right. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Would you see Bill Cosby live? Now? Yes, he comes on tour. He comes on tour.

And I call, hold on, hang on, I call you. I call you and I go, hey man, I got two tickets to Bill Cosby. Private box, no one's gonna know that we're there. Okay? We walk in the back door, we sit up in that thing, and we get to watch the material he's developing about what he's been through. Would you watch him?

Yeah. about what he's been through. Would you watch him? Yeah. I heard, heard, hold, hold, hold, hold, hold, hold. And the said that I was a rapin' I was a rapin' and a puttin' bumpin' I'm bad at Bill Cosby. What? Nothing. Do you think it would be a good show?

I bet me and you as professional comedians would be enthralled by his angle. Here's the thing, does he tackle his prison time on stage? Yeah, you think he will? Yeah. Yeah. That's also it. He just doesn't bring it up.

He was like, my brother Russell, or whoo, whoo, whoo. I'm bad at a bill calls me impression. This is why I didn't do impressions growing up. You do a lot of good impressions though. Yeah, like who? You did Sebastian really well? Yeah, I do Sebastian great.

Yeah. No, I would, there's a lot, it would be hard to not see bill cause because you know. Would you heckle him? No, I'm never gonna heckle anybody. I heckled some of the first time, I went to a comedy show, I heckled a dude. You just said I don't ever hurt anybody,

heckle anybody, and then you got the first time, I feel a flop a lot. Okay. You've known me a long time, you know that I say one thing and then I totally, no, no. So wait, you heckled some of the first time? I felt bad about it now.

You know who it was? I don't, I can tell you the joke. Where, where was the show? Tallahassee, Florida, I was on a date. I was with my buddy Eddie and We both brought these two girls and we were in the front row and the guy was on stage and his joke was The punch line was it's a styrofoam cooler, right? He was talking about floating down a river with beers and he and they were like you're gonna get a raft for that or whatever And he's like it's a styrofoam cooler and it fucking flatlined and they were like, you're gonna get a raft for that or whatever. And he's like, it's a styrofoam cooler.

And it fucking flatlined. And he was like, and it's silent for like three seconds. And I hit my buddy Eddie and I go, oh, it's a styrofoam cooler. And the place erupted and this guy looked at me and he went, oh my God. Yeah. And I was like, you really felt bad in the moment? I felt bad in the at me and he went, and I was like, you really felt bad in the moment?

I felt bad in the moment and then I went up to a restaurant I was like, hey man, how do you get in the comedy? And he was like, go fuck yourself. Yeah. I would love it if that guy was like, I was like, I mean, he's got to be still alive. What? I was in college.

That means he has to be alive. I mean, yeah, we didn't have to be alive. But it'd be cool. How old was he at the show? He was young. He was like, maybe 30. It was like the tops, not much older than 30. OK.

I was probably 26. So he might have been 26. He was a young guy. It's a Styrofoam cooler. It's a Styrofoam cooler. And I was like, and I was like, oh, it's a styrofoam cooler and the place went crazy. I remember a couple heckles my way early on ones early on like when I was doing like wringer shows one time I said the punchline I don't remember the

joke I remember somebody going, like that, I was like, oh, and then another time it was just like not landing well, you know, like a joke and just hearing somebody go, oh, God. Oh, God. I was like, there are a few shutdown heckles that comics can't bounce back from. Yeah, like be more funny. Right, or tell a joke. I mean, you can bounce back. I actually think like being mocked,

you're a bit of a mocked, like you do something and then somebody mocks you. That's pretty brutal, you know? Like if you were making like a face or something and somebody of the audience like back to you, mocking you, if it doesn't go, if your joke doesn't go well, is pretty brutal. Man, one time it was a comp,

it was another thing, it was a comic. And I remember this guy, he was like this East side, like Alt Dude, and he sat in the audience. And I was doing this show and I was like, yeah, you ever been, I don't know, let's say you've been to Florida and he was like, oh yeah, yeah, I've been there. He was doing that kind of shit where I was like,

what are you doing, man? But that type of thing, it's basically like basically like mocking you. Yeah, it throws you off. Oh You're gonna have to bleep the word only because I'm not sure if you can say it anymore You can say it, but I mean don't forget the f word. It's the f word. Oh, okay Not fuck, but you know, I'm gonna say it. I'm gonna say it just bleep it or don't, but I'm gonna say it, but it's part of the story. So either do or don't know that I said do. I said do.

Maybe it doesn't come out for a while. I actually wonder if it was, I wonder if, oh no. So I go to do a show at Boston Comic Club. There's maybe 13 people in the audience, maybe 25 tops. And I'm on stage in this guy, bald hair, is sitting all by himself on the right wing. He's by himself, sitting just by himself. And I'm telling my thing and he just goes,

you're gay. And I look and I go, what? And he goes, nothing. And I said, did you say something? He goes, no. And I go, okay. But see, that's like that, that's set up already. Someone's fucking with you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just tough. Yeah. And so I go back to my acting. He goes, I said you're gay. And I said, Amen. I heard that that and he goes, I'm not saying anything, man. And I go, Bullshit, I'm not an idiot. I saw you and he goes, No, I'm not. And I go back to my thing and then he drops the F bomb, you know.

BEEP. And I go, What? And he goes, It's not me. And I go, Listen, he's bald, right? I go, Listen, you cancer having mother fucker. Listen, and I start lighten him up. Like, because he's bald, he's skinny, and he goes, hey man, it's not me.

And I go, I'm watching you say it, and he goes, it's not me, it's the asshole behind me. And my buddy from high school, Hank pops up behind, and he goes, what's up, buddy? And I was like, mother fucker, Hank, and he goes, that was good, huh? That was good. I was like, fuck, I just lit some guy up

and the guy's, my buddy's hiding behind him going, you're dead. And then that guy was like, I do have cancer. Yeah, I think he did. And I think he got really upset. He was going through chemo and I fucking, it was a fucking shit show. He did, those shows weren't fucking taped back in the day.

Do you know me times I've just asked people if they had cancer on stage, on stage, and they've said, know me times I've just asked people they have cancer on stage on stage and they've said yes and I've been like oh why would I ask that question. I asked it to a group of women one time. I'll never forget this. I asked it to a group of women one time. I said I was in Kentucky since I had a funny bone. Yeah and I said they were off to the right and I said, we're playing around and I said, so what are you guys on a family reunion?

And they're like, what? And I go, what's up with the shirts? You guys are wearing the same shirts. And they go, yeah, yeah, we're like a team. And I went, what are you guys like a softball team? And they're like, no, we're like a support team. I go for like animals. And they're like, no, for each other.

I go, what are you guys supporting each other for? And as I say that, I see that they're all bald. And I'm like, and then I'm like Oh, and then like we are all breast cancer survivors and I went oh, okay I'm like nice nice nice nice and I go all you guys beat it and I'm like well She's going through it again, and I went oh I was like okay, but you're looking good right she goes now and I'm like But it's like chances are and she goes no, it you're looking good, right? She goes, no. And I'm like, but it's like chances aren't. She goes, no, it's not looking good at all.

And she's like, that's why we came to a comedy show to get our minds off it. And I was like, cool. And I'm like, you guys wanna do a shot? And then of course, you know me. I'm like, but you guys, not you, but like the other ones. She was like, why not me? And I go, because you're going through it,

pretty rough right now. And she was like, give it, I can do a shot. And I was like, are you sure? She goes, I'm putting chemotherapy in my body. I can definitely do a shot. I can handle all of them. And I was like, okay. So I go, why don't I bring you guys on stage?

And then I'm like, what the fuck am I doing? Oh my god. I bring them on stage and I'm like, can we all get five shots at the keel, it quickly, very quickly? And then, and then, and then now I got them on stage and I'm like, can we all get five shots at the keel it quickly, very quickly and then and then I'm and then now I got on stage I'm like so like What's it like came out there being just the worst Tom the worst crowd work the only way I pulled out of it the only way I pulled out of it Did it gets heartfelt and the woman's telling her story and she's like, it's my second run of whatever, of it.

And she goes, I say, here's the deal. I've really fucked tonight up. I've really fucked tonight up. I go, I'm going right back in the material after this. And I go, but I'll give you my phone number. And whenever you're feeling really down, you can call me and I promise you, I will talk to you and try to make you laugh,

and at least get, if you're feeling down, to get your mind off of it. She was like, I appreciate that. So I gave her my phone number. I talked right at the bar afterwards, we hung out with drank. And then like a month later, I get a phone call from her. And I'm outside, I'm at the new house. I get a phone call from her, I answer and I go, what's up?

And she goes, she was like, I'm having a rough night. And I said, okay. And I said, well, hey, I made a promise. Let's talk. I cracked a beer open, I started talking. And hey, I made a promise, let's talk. I cracked a beer open, I started talking and Tom, I talked so aggressively for like 30 minutes that the end I was like, wait, are you still awake?

And she goes, I'm done, I'm good, I'm feeling love out of it. But, I didn't do this right down. I had things to remind me. Okay, yeah, and so I was like, I'm feeling better, you did it, you did it. I got him, I'm feeling good, man, I'm done. I'm done and just hung up on me, never heard from her again. I wonder if I got her on my phone. I did, I did it, you did it. I got him feeling good, man, I'm done, I'm done. And just hung up on me, never heard from her again.

I wonder if I got her on my phone. I did, I did. I did it too. I'm here and too, I got cancer lady in here. I got, I guarantee you I got cancer lady in here. I did a cancer fundraiser, and do you know my opening line? So it was somebody who had stage four cancer.

And my opening line, this was a packed place. My opening line was, you know, give it up for so-and-so. I have a stage 4 cancer and I go, you know what's a good thing about stage 4 cancer? Everybody was like, I like this and I go, there's no such thing as stage 5. And it bombed so hard. And you know Nate Craig? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I do. It bombed. No. So hard. And you know Nate Craig. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I do. He was there.

And I was able to go into material. And I was like, after I was like, did you hear what I opened with? And he goes, you mean when you flatlined? She heard I opened with. I told the story. I told the story down the night we did a call and sick to work showing Tampa.

And I was fucking wasted. And a guy just stands up in the front row And he goes I have stage four bone cancer And it's silent and I go What I don't know what does that mean he goes not good man? Yeah, not good and I said how long and he's like I don't know Two months and I was like okay. I was like well fuck it man And I was like, okay, I was like, well, fuck it, man, let me buy you a drink. What do you want? And he was like, rum and diet coke.

I go, why are we going diet, man? You got two months, like put the weight on. Big laugh. And then within 30 minutes, he fell and cracked his head open. And they brought an ambulance and they pulled him out. And he died like two months later. His son texted me and he's like, my dad was a guy that stood up your show. He said, I was fun as fuck. That one night me and him walked out on stretchers. I was fucking black out drunk. Black out drunk. I told this also to the dog, black out drunk

and my dad picked me up. He took me to his new house. They bought a new house and I'd never been there. And I woke up in the late afternoon, not knowing where the fuck I was, because I'd never been to this house. And I'm like, where the fuck am I? And I'm walking around going, so I've never seen this. Who's house am I in?

And then I see pictures of me as a child. I'm like, what the fuck? Like I just passed out in a super fans house. My dad walked in and he goes, what are you doing? What the fuck are you doing here? He's like, how this is a new house? I was like, mother fucker.

Oh my God. And I tell you one about the shirt. I tell you the shirt story. Oh. Well, you know, I bought a shirt of this black dude on a t-shirt. I thought it was plenty of hard away at first. I thought it was plenty of hard away. Yeah. And then I got it. I was like, I thought that he had to wait. And then when I was like, I wore it and it was a, it was like, published online for something. And it turns out it was, it was a it was like published online for something And it turns out it was it was a shirt to honor a guy who loved this shirt company and

And he was dead and His family contacted me and they're like we saw you were in the shirt You know, we really appreciate it. I was like, oh, yeah, of course school shirt Thanks for the shirt and then I go to do a show and You know, we really appreciate it. And I was like, oh yeah, of course. School shirt. Thanks for the shirt. And then I go to do a show and like 30 of them show up in the shirt, right? And I was like, and then the club, the club is like,

hey, they're here and like, who's here? And they're like, the shirt people? And I was like, what am I supposed to do? And they were like, I don't know. Like, they're here for you. They said that like, they're so excited. I want to be free to sell tickets. And I, you Google Cleveland, Ohio,

and then you type in memorial services. Dude, you get that shirt. Dude, they, so after the show, they're like, the staffs, like, they want to meet you and take a picture with you. And I go, yeah, of course. And we all get together. No. Yeah. You just love this picture?

It's somewhere. And I was like, you know, hey, thanks for coming. And they go, yeah, you know, we really appreciate it. And they're like, so like, what did he mean to you? And I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, he was so cool. And they, and they like were waiting for, like, more of a story. Oh my God.

And I was just like, I just, I thought it was a different black guy. I thought this is, I thought I was talking to any, yeah, talking to his roommate. Yeah. Why don't you tell that story? Tell it. Tell it.

So any is an African-American that works at this studio. And as luck would have it, his roommates also an African American. And I saw Annie, usually he's the only black guy here. So I see Annie, I ended up commenting on his hair that he looked like he lost weight or whatever. And then I go out to the lobby and Zolo's talking to his roommate.

Ash, who I think is Annie, and I'm on my phone, and they're talking about Austin, and like, where live, and like what the place is in Austin, and I'm just commenting in the story, talking to Annie as if he's doing, and then I look up and I was like, what the fuck? And then I was like, where did you guys get another one from? Like, what the fuck?

I was like, you have two in here? You got a fucking, put a bell on one of them. I got to keep track of which one's which. Is that sound bad? I mean, that way you know. Anyway, I was like, I did the whole time, and then I, and then, and then I, who did I tell privately? I was like, I thought that was any, was it Zola? I was like, I thought that was any the whole time and then I, and then, and then I, who did I tell? Who did I tell privately? I was like, I thought that was any, was it,

it's all I was like, I thought that was any the whole time. That was me. Oh yeah, I told you, I told you. I was looking at my phone, so I wasn't like staring at I'm always looking at my phone. I walked outside and you're like, I was talking to that guy the whole time, but that was any.

Yeah. And then I told them last night, I told them. Yeah. And, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, Last night I think I did. I don't know. Do you drink it last night? I didn't drink. I'm not drinking. I Make quit forever. It's weird life sober kind of sucks. Really? Yeah, someone tells your story and you just go cool, man Not a bad story. I've ever heard edibles Yeah, weed no, no, I didn't I'm not doing anything. No, I'm saying will you smoke weed maybe I'm gonna

I'm gonna see how long I can stuff booze, come maybe even pills for a pretty heavy period of time. How, are you gonna tell them you're in major pain? Oh my god, whoever doesn't say they're in major pain. Yeah. Like I remember when you, they were like, what's your pain at? And you're like, uh, nine.

And I go, there's 10 on there. Why would you say 10? I know. Like why don't everyone say 10? 10, it's 10. It's always 10. Uh, you know you should do what? Like when you get out, you're like,

ah, I'm, I'm in so much pain. I heard there's this thing called dial dial. D'lotted it, did it, did it, did it, did it, did it. And they'll be like, you're in that much pain and be like, mm-hmm. I'm gonna when they come in, I'm like, I just tried to get up and I fell on my arm. I'm like, what?

I'm like, I'm in anymore. The things they ask you in surgery, like if you're about to have surgery, you know, here's the problem is I could answer Yes to any of them kind of you're gonna lie about the pre-op stuff. No, but no, but like you go you like I've ever had any problems with anesthesia nausea vomiting dizziness headache slope up. I'm never had anesthesia, right? Right Do you have any blood relatives that have had problems with anesthesia and you're're like, I don't fucking know. But that's a no, that's fine.

Okay. Any post-operative complications, I don't know. I've never done it this time. You get through the first chunk. And then it's like high blood pressure, heart disease and gynecum, murmurs. I've had a high blood pressure. You're telling them yes.

And then they go, if you say yes to any of these, you can't go into surgery. Well, you're gonna say yes to high blood pressure. I did, but my blood pressure is okay right now. You suffer from high blood pressure. I take medication, my blood pressure is okay right now. You suffer from high blood pressure. I take medication, which you should tell them that. I kind of did. And then, and then I did, I did, I did.

Okay. Asma, these are the ones, Asma sleep apnea. I don't know, I'm a sleep apnea. Say yes. Say yes to sleep apnea? Yeah, because they'll, they'll, the anesthesiologist is gonna ask you anyways before you go under and you should definitely tell the truth. I don't I think I'm I let me just call our

interler. Hey it's Lucy, how you doing? Hey it's Bert again. Hey just you know I don't know if I have sleep apnea but I probably do. I snore really bad. Oh man you're killing me. Okay well let's say no since you haven't been diagnosed with it. Okay. Okay. But, okay, so because of your hypertension, you are going to need the full amount of cancer that I was telling you. Yeah.

I called both of your doctor's offices and your cardiologist is out of the country, which I don't know if you knew that or not. I did not. No worries, but his nurse practitioner is available to see you today. See me today? Yeah see you today. I'm going to need to. Oh wait. To clear your presurgery. All right let me call you back Lucy. I'll call you back in like 30 minutes okay. All right bye bye. I have a fucking insanely swamped day now. This is the fucking longest day of my fucking life. They've got to clear me for surgery. Yeah. Do this sucks so fucking much. It means like what? How bad do I need

left arm? Let's, I mean, start saying that to yourself. How the fuck, how the fuck does anyone, how the fuck does anyone do this? Like, like a regular person, like a regular person, how you get clear for surgery? The same way you're going to get cleared. You just answer the questions and then they tell you what you need to get cleared on And I get white coats in room so when they take your blood pressure I get nervous and it goes up I'm not getting surgery tomorrow. You don't think so. I bet I'm not You think your blood pressure will be too high for it. I'm certain I'm gonna go in and be nervous as fuck and I've had Tell them. I'm looking nine cups of black rifle coffee company.

She's agreeing to need to see them today to get cleared. Shut the fuck up. I got this. I got two meetings. I got to cancel the meetings. I got to just fuck that. Yeah, that's what meetings can be. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, that's those just cancel the meetings. Easy. Fuck it. Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it. Dax Shepherd, you ready? Yeah. Okay. This is what gets me into a dark place is thinking about this surgery.

Really? Yeah, 100%. That's why we went so dark at the end of last week's podcast. It's like, I got this fucking looming goddamn surgery where I think I go, I go, all right. Here's the story. So, so we talked about DAX a long time on the podcast. I don't even remember what we said, but the people at DAX is podcast sent me an armchair expert shirt as a joke. And I thought it was funny.

I wore it. Is it joke? It's like, it just sent me a shirt. Okay. Like here's a shirt. I don't know, you guys were talking about it. I don't know what we said about the podcast. I don't really remember. I'm certain, you know, it was whatever we thought

was funny at the time. Right. Hopefully they found it funny this time. But I've always had this thing. So I follow him on Instagram. I follow him on, on, I follow his wife on Instagram. And I, you know and I get a kick out of him. I listen to his podcast. His podcast where we relapse, it's pretty fucking fascinating.

Yeah. It's really fascinating. So, that's where he came clean that he'd been using. Yeah. It's pretty wild. It's crazy. Yeah. So, we're doing construction in our house.

And one of our vendors, I won't say, Daxel know exactly what I'm saying. But one of our vendors, for some reason, like one of their project isn't coming in at time when it should be already done. And he says to Leanne, who has never heard of Dax Shepherd in her life, right? He says to Leanne, as if this will calm her down, she's really upset and he goes,

well, you know, we're doing Dak Shepherd's house. And she goes, who the fuck is Dak Shepherd? And he goes, you know, the Dak Shepherd is and I go, and now I'm following Dak Shepherd on Instagram. And so I know that he's on vacation with his wife. And so it makes sense. I go, oh, I guarantee you they were like, hey, we're going on vacation, do this while we're out of town.

And then so when we come back, it's done and we don't have fucking construction in our house. And so he's saying that and I go, oh, cool. And then he goes, what are you gonna side with him for? And I go, oh, he's doing tack shepherds house. That she goes, and in my head, I'm going, well, that means we got a good vendor. You know, like, and Leandh is in there.

And she goes, fuck tack shepher there. She goes fuck that shepherd. Like this goes on this rant of like, and I'm just sitting there giggling so hard and I recorded all of it. I put it I was gonna put it on Instagram and tag Leand and tag that shepherd and tag Kristen Bell. But Leand made me take it down. Why?

Because she found out who that shepherd was. She was like, why like you still have it now? No, I fucking deleted it. I recorded it on instant stories and then she made me delete it. But she was like, and then I had to listen to her realize that Kristen Bell, who Leanne and the girls think is like a fucking goddess, right? They love Kristen Bell.

I had to listen to them try to figure out how Kristen Bell would have ever found Dax Shepherd. They were like, where did those two meet? She was like, he was all punk, right? And I was like, he's done the other stuff since. I was like, he's got like one of the biggest podcasts in the world. She's like, he is a podcast. And I was like, yeah, and we're not going to fucking start a war with Dax Shepherd over a fucking whatever the fuck it is. She was like, I don't know, but it was such a funny considering. She'd never heard of them, really? She'd never heard it's expert.

But I mean, it's like, if you're a fucking 50 year old woman, how the fuck are you gonna hear about? You love jabbing that she's 50. She's 51. Oh, 50. By this time this podcast comes out, yeah. Yeah.

What's your turn 51? August 20th. You got something cool? No Well, I may still have time what are you gonna get her? Um Not I don't know nothing I might be dead True, yeah, it'd be cool to get a gift from a dead guy. What if you ship it? Like order something today. I should write a letter put it in the mail. There you go. I'd be like, hey, if you're reading this, I'm dead Don't ever fuck anyone else. Don't ever fuck anyone. We got to get out of the darkness. See this pulls me into the darkness

When I think about this I start going I have a such a such a what a just no writer thing I want you to be happy. I want no I don't want to I want her to be happy not now I want them to be happy in I want to be happy. No, I don't want to. I want to be happy not now. I want to be happy in like two years. Get, take some time to more of me. Well, write that. More in my death, but then I want you to celebrate and live life like every day is your last. Stop, let's, this is gonna pull me into darkness.

Let's go, let's go towards the light and talk about what tattoos we're gonna get. Tatoos. To cover up our scars. What tattoos? Tatoos, tattoos. That's how you say it, tattoos. What tattoos are we gonna get to cover up our scars? I have three? To twos, to twos, that's how you say it, to twos. What's tattoos are we gonna get to cover up our scores?

I have three, so it's gonna be pretty fucking big. Ooh, six is, six, six, six. Pretty cool, yeah, right? Yeah. And then be like, it was to cover up his guard. Bullets, knives, like a boss-routin. Can not boss-routin' up. Conspiracy theories?

Yeah. Like one will be like, we didn't land on the moon. Yeah, the ones like, don't get vaccinated. Cross-routing. Can not cross-routing. Can not cross-routing. Can not cross-routing. Can not cross-routing. Can not cross-routing. Can not cross-routing. Can not cross-routing. Can not cross-routing. Can not cross-routing. Can not cross-routing. Can not cross-routing.

Can not cross-routing. Can not cross-routing. Can not cross-routing. Can not cross-routing. Can not cross-routing. Can not cross-routing. Can not cross-routing. Can not cross-routing. Can not cross-routing.

Can not cross-routing. Can not cross-routing. Can not cross-routing. Can not cross-routing. Can not cross-routing. Can not cross-routing. Can not cross-routing. Can not cross-routing. Can not cross-routing. Can not cross-routing. Can not cross-routing. Can not cross-routing. Can not cross-routing. Can not cross-routing. Can not cross-routing. Can not cross-routing. Can not cross-routing. Can not cross-routing. Can not cross-routing. Can not cross-routing. Can not cross-routing. Can not cross-routing. Can not cross-routing. Can not cross-routing. Can not cross-routing. Can not cross-routing. Can not cross-routing. Can not cross-routing. Yeah, I heard that. Jimmy Dorwar's on Rogan, he was talking about his vaccine side effects. Did you get side effects? Can I tell you, I am not the person that's aware of side effects? You don't know what a side effect is.

I would never pick out a side effect. When you're a big drinker, you have so many side effects on a daily basis that you just go, well, I guess that's because I'm an alcoholic. You never go, yeah, my neck hurts. I want to if that's from the vaccine. Yeah. I just slept wrong. And then you're like, yeah my neck hurts. I want if that's from the vaccine. Like I just slept wrong. And then you're like I keep sleeping wrong.

And by the way my neck has been hurting, but I don't know if it's from sleeping wrong. I don't know. I wonder can I tell you what I've been dizzy lately. Like dizzy like when I lay my head down the pillow, it takes a second for my head to go. But it hasn't been cloudy outside. Dude, that's what I'm fucking talking about. Can I tell you, they were like,

and Wendy, we have a sponsor who, I think it's deep, deep sleep, deep cream, deep cream, deep, deep, deep. Anyway, one of the things they put in there is magnesium. One of the biggest things in Serbia is magnesium powder. They're like, you need magnesium powder, magnesium, magnesium. Dude, what if I fucking sleep apnea? Motherfucker, do you have sleep apnea?

Well, I think tech, like I've never been diagnosed and I don't sleep with, but I sleep with a mouth guard. So, like if I get asked like for anesthesiologist, I'll just ask me, I'll be like, yeah, sleep with a mouth guard. And so what do they do? They just know that and they know that like well since you have a propensity to like Sleep like that that if you're unconscious with anesthesia Maybe they need to use something to prop your throat open so that you don't die. This is fucking

By the way, I was totally cool until this. I was totally cool with this fucking procedure. I'm postponing it. I'm just gonna postpone it. Really? I don't wanna do it. What the fuck? I don't wanna, I keep going. There's gotta be people.

I watch my 600 pound life. There's people on my 600 pound life that get anesthesia. You're fine, dude. You're gonna be fine. I'm telling you, it's the best. Just go into it. No, she fucking died. You're not gonna die, dude.

You're gonna be fine. I just heard going, you're killing me. And I'm like, yeah, those are not you. You're the farts. You're not gonna die. There's only like a one in six chance you'd die. It's one in 200. I didn't die.

One in 200. Pull up odds of getting struck by lightning. I wanna find out all the odds I have. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, this is great. Yeah. Odds of dying crazy deaths. Okay.

Okay, it's not. God damn. Wow, that's pretty high, That's higher than I thought. Yeah It's a lot higher. What are the odds of you dying under anesthesia? By the way, can't tell you I always think I'm about to be stuck one in 200. It's one in 200. That's it. Yeah I know when you look at the light. No one in four one to four deaths per 10,000 Hey Hey, that's a great odds, man. It's less than lightning.

And by the way, I'm terrified of lightning. I'm terrified of lightning. Really? Like if you told me that anesthesia was like lightning, I'd be like, fuck that room. Fuck that room. Scroll down, see if there's any more on that. Click that first one.

Oh, it's more than it's a hundred thousand I thought it's 200 yeah, and you're not gonna like brain damage as a result It's so rare that the risk has not even put in the numbers. So you're definitely not gonna Okay, okay, the risk of dying during anesthetic is extremely small for a healthy person having planned surgery That's kind of me around one person may die from every 100,000 general anesthetics given. All right, do shark attacks now. These are things I'm afraid of. So I'm gonna know if I should be afraid of this.

Yeah. Is it one in? Oh my God. So wait, hold on, this is making anesthesia that much scarier. It's one in 3.7 million. Yeah. That is like, but there are things.

Okay, what are the, what are the, what do you have the highest odds of dying from? Do you have to get car crash? Odds are dying in a car crash. Yeah. Go to odds of dying chart. Oh, one hundred seven. Those are high odds.

Especially if you drive like an asshole. Accidental poisoning, I've almost done that to my family. I've almost poisoned my family. I never tell you about that. No. Leanne goes, was when we were doing renovations, she goes, hey, you gotta go out and get the, we were cooking on a camping

Start-no-thing. Yeah Go on get the camping thing and leak the propane don't don't get off this chart And I said okay, so I went out and I got it and I brought it in the house and I turned it on to bleed out the the line And he just kept going and going and going and going and she goes, hey, did you turn off the propane? And I was like no she was just leaking prop the propane? And I was like, no. She was just leaking propane into the house. And I was like, I guess, she was like, motherfucker, open window. And I was like, okay.

So I turned off the propane. I've already leaked out a whole canister of propane in our house. And I'm like, and then she just goes to sleep. I'm like, great, she's dead. Like she just died. And then I shut my daughter's doors, because I was like, I don't want them to die.

Like, Leonardo living in the living room, the girls are in Georgia's room then I shut my daughter's doors, because I was like, I don't want them to die. But like, Lian and I are living in the living room. The girls are in Georgia's room. I shut their door. And then I was like, and I opened the windows, but I was like, fuck man, what do I do? Because and then I read about propane. Propane falls to the ground. So it's so my girls are both in bunk beds. They're good.

Lian and I are on a bed, well close to the ground. We're not good. But we're not as bad as we're close to the ground, we're not good, but we're not as bad as who I moved to the ground. The cat, I was like, we'll put the cat on the ground. If the cat dies, then I know when you get the fuck out of the house, right? It's my canary in the mind. So I put in the cat on the ground. I wait like, I wait like fucking 20 minutes, and the cat's still fucking moving around. I was like, all right, we're good and I passed out. Okay. Yeah. Pretty good, right? It's pretty good.

Yeah. What are the, go to the, hit the, maybe the statistics thing, is that have better, it's got to be things that have high odds, right? Okay, can you scroll in on that? Heart disease, well, it's not like a one in thing,

but these are all like, they're all medical things. Is there any other? You get off this shit, that's how everyone's gonna die. Wait, what's Alzheimer's? What are the odds of dying each day? 30-old man has one in 260,000 chance. 30-old woman has one in 583,000 chance. A 55-year-old man has a one in 46,000 chance. 30 old woman has one in 583,000 chance. A 55 year old man has a one in 46,000 chance of dying on me.

They have a put in, put in, what are the odds of being a 30 year old white man? It's a guarantee those are different. Sure. I guarantee you, there's, I guarantee, there's, it's called privilege. It's one of the things that we've been learning over the past year.

Yeah. Odds of- Okay. What was the phrase that you wanted? Odds of dying as a certain- No, type this in, type this in. Highest odds of dying. Just type that in.

Yeah. There you go. All preventable causes of death, one in 24. Chronic low rest. Hit the more rows. Suicide, one in 88. Bam. Wait, I can be, I can, I have, those are fucking high odds.

Is this it here? Heart disease. What? One in seven? Oh, this is, so this is lifetime odds. Oh, these are lifetime odds. Okay. Opioed overdose.

Suicides, one in 88. So you're telling me, there's more of a chance I'll kill myself than I'll die tomorrow. Yeah. How is that even possible? I know, you get bad reviews on the movie. Oh, die from falling. Die from falling. Die from falling.

That's you. Yeah. Motor vehicle crash. One in 107 is astonishing. Pedestrian incident. What do you even know what that means? One in five four. Hitting, getting hit by a car.

A bicyclist. Bikes. There you go. Sunstroke. 184. Electrocution, radiation, extreme temperatures, and pressure. Sharp objects, one in 29,334. That's kind of-

These are all really fucking achievable, dog attack. But look at that lighting. That lighting went so much higher than the other statistic we saw. Yeah. Here's the thing is that there's a huge swath of the population that has no risk of dying from lightning. And then you go to Florida and you're like, all those people's odds are way higher.

You know that my trainer, like the athletic trainer at my high school, who taped my ankles up, you know, football practice and in games, she eventually, after I graduated high school into college, she became the athletic director of my high school. She died, she got struck by lightning. For real? On our field, yeah. On, she died, she got struck by lightning on your field. Yeah, she was walking and it got hit and died.

I almost got struck by lightning once. By the way, this is gonna sound like a made-believe story. It's gonna sound like a... By the. It's gonna sound like my recollection. My recollection. I watched this podcast on memories. It was on Netflix, it was about memories, but how people create their own memories. Was it called the Berkreicher story? I was jogging. Every time you jog in Clearwater, I run out to the end of the island and then back to the island. I all the way out to Caledicia and back. And sometimes you'll run to Caledicia

and it'll be all bright skies forward. And when you turn around and run backwards, it's a fun thunderstorm is crept up on your ass. And it is a terrifying sprint to try to beat a thunderstorm. So like you run all the way out and the thunderstorm's coming this way and you gotta turn around and run

and beat that thunderstorm to your house. Right. And I have run fast fucking miles. It's a four mile run all the way up to Calediz. And then two miles back, two there, two back. One time I'm running and it is thundering and lightning like crazy and it's not raining yet. It's that weird feeling in the air

where you can smell it. You're like, okay, it's gonna be a big storm. There's gonna be a big storm and someone's getting struck by lightning and a dude is walking this way. The past gets to our houses like right here. Dude's walking this way. I'm sprinting, I'm listening to outcast on my heads

that in a bolt of lightning hits in between us and Fucking pops up and the guy and I freeze And we're like holy fucking shit and I sprays it a random house. I go And my fucking whole family's like bullshit And I was like I just and then I started not believing myself. I was like did I just make that up? Yeah, like I swear to God a bolt of lightning not, not a big one, little one, like a little, like a medium bolt, like almost like a, like a mark on the ground. It was in the sand. So it's just, yeah. I swear to God, this is not a make-

I wish I could, I should have said to that guy, hey man, can I get your number so I can, when I tell the story in seven years from now to my buddy, you can be there to back me up. I wish you would have gotten that number. God. Now speaking of phone numbers, you told me that you got an unexpected phone call while you were in Serbia, right? Yes.

And it's from somebody who we can't name. Can't name. But what is the, because I actually don't know about the phone call. Oh. You didn't tell me. You just said, hey. I texted you and told you. You said, wait till you hear about this phone call I got. Yes, I got a phone call. You didn't tell me. You just said, hey. I texted you and told you.

You said, wait till you hear about this phone call I got. Yes, so I got a phone call from a guy who's a notable person. The very legit person. Sure, don't go any more descriptions. And it's 6am, I wanna say it's maybe it's 10am, Serbia time, 11am, because it was my day off. And we had gone out that night and partied hardest fuck. And I got way too wasted and I fucking got it was way in my head. I woke up the next morning and I was like I'm fuck what am I doing?

What am I doing? It's my day off right? So I obviously had worked all week so I really ramped it up that night and I just went overboard and I was like I didn't pace myself. I fucking I'm laying in bed. I feel like shit. I need to run. If I go for a jog I'll feel better but I'm not I don't have the energy to even go for a jog. I'm just like

I was like I just want to go back to bed, but I can't and I'm like all right, man Maybe this is rock bottom. Maybe this is where you go. Fuck it. I'm done drinking. I'm done drinking for this movie I'm off like all right. Let's let's fucking clean our lives up What we what are we living for as I'm thinking these thoughts my phone rings and I pick it up I don't recognize the numbers like a 310 number and I go hello and He's like this bird. I said it is Is Do you hate me and I go?

No, I go who is this and he says is that yeah, and I go Wait, man, what what are you doing?? He was like, do you hate me? And I said, no. And they start crying. And he goes, do you respect me? And I said, yeah. And he goes, do you think I'm funny? And I was like, yeah, I think you're really funny.

He's like, am I talented? And I was like, I think you're one of the most talented people I've ever seen do comedy in my life. And he's like He's like Would you he goes would you work with me and I said I would and he goes thank you man still crying. Thank you Thank you all right and just hung up and this is someone you haven't spoken to this person before ever have I have I haven't partied with this person ever but I've been spoken to this person before? Ever? I have, I have a party with this person ever,

but I've hung out with this person. Why do you think that they, more of the best part of the story is that I was like, fuck this, I don't know if I'm a drinking problem at all. Oh right. I was like, I'm fucking good. You have party with them. I have not partied, I may have one or twice,

but not like, not like, was just at a party, I think I've been there. Okay, okay, okay. Like a, like a rat party for a TV show. But this was obviously like you haven't talked to this person at all. And by the way, I'm not even certain this person knew,

I wasn't even certain this person knew who I was. Like I know this person is, and I remember meeting this person a number of times and I was and going like, oh this is someone, I would say I'm like I'm not saying I'm friends with them, I would never say I'm friends with them, but I definitely wouldn't expect it I don't have his phone number. I definitely didn't expect him to have my phone number and I definitely did not expect this phone call And it caught me soft credit texted you

Immediately, I was like I just got the weirdest phone call from dot dot dot and and but immediately I was like all right As long as I'm not calling people it fucking for in the morning, crying and being like, do you respect me? Then I'm good. Jesus Christ. I know, I know. It's like, you know what's crazy is like, it's always, especially as a big drinker, I get bummed out when people tell me they're sober.

Like when people go like, oh I'm sober, I always go, ah, like, ah. Same way, like, like, this sounds crazy, but like, I like, ah, I shouldn't say that. But like, I feel like that like, like this sounds crazy, but like I like I shouldn't say that, but like I feel like that like Like I go and by the way, I don't care if you drink like I like I don't care if you drink Like we go out all the time and like or not all the time But we'll hang out and you don't drink. I doesn't I care if I drink like that's what matters to me

or I'll have like a drink a drink and and I go, cool man, I'm gonna drink. It doesn't bother me if you do or don't drink, but certain people, when they don't, like when it breaks my heart, when you see people, they can't really can't handle it. Like really, really can't handle it. And they just, they're addicts. And you're like, can't you just stop that right there?

No. And then it's're like, wow, can't you just stop that right there? No like and then It's just like it blows my mind cuz I go you have stuff to do like I remember watching someone Drink it blew my mind such a talented comic we worked together and And in the middle of the afternoon we go to get lunch and then we find this cigar bar And I go let's go have a cigar. Well, have a cigar and a drink, like a drink, right? Like it's nice to have a whiskey with a cigar. If you slow roll it. So we have a whiskey with a cigar

and then he orders another mid cigar and I'm like, that's fine. Yeah. You know, I didn't get one, but I was like, that's just me. This is on the road? It's on the road. And then he like gets a beer and I was like,

I have a beer with him and then I go home and I go back to my hotel and go to Beggs, we have two shows that night. And I show up at the club and then I can, have you seen dot, dot, dot. And I go, no, and they're like, well, he's not answering his phone. I go, well, last I checked, he was having like a beer.

And then all of a sudden, he's gone for the weekend and I never see him again. What? And I'm like, is somebody I know? What the fuck? No, you don't. There and I'm like somebody I know what the fuck? No, you don't there's someone you know that I mean I've had it happen to other people that you know where it we I want one of my really good friends Well, I remember we went to we went to a baseball game

He'll know who I'm talking about him and we've talked about this. We're good with it. We're good about it We went to a baseball game and we got ended up getting fucking lit, right? We have two shows that night But we get lit so it's didn't want a clock baseball game go home take a nap power through get through two shows right yeah and we have the first show and they're like where the fuck's dot dot dot and I go oh fuck and they're like he's on answering his phone he's just we didn't see him for like and then he called and it came in the next day it's like I fucked up and I was like yeah but you can like I don't understand I can't wrap my hand around

how you'd fuck up. I'd never let alcohol get in the way of- Right, get the work done. Get the work done, like you gotta get your work done first. That's the number one. If you can't get your work done first, then you don't get to drink. That you don't get to drink.

You gotta get shit done. I'm always blown away by that. You gotta tell me who these people are. I'll tell you. The first and the second. By the way, the first guy was so funny. He told me a joke that I did this day. If you tell me about that city, the first thing I think about is that joke because it was

such a good joke, such a good joke. And I was like, I was like, man, this guy's really talented, especially like in a very like lovable working class kind of way. And the second guy I've known, I've known for a very long time, and is he still doing stand-up? Yeah, I think so. I mean, I think he's, I think he, I'm almost certainly still does it.

I don't know what he's up to. I actually got a text from him yesterday, I'll do enough. Really? Yeah. He's got some issues on and off the court, you know? Okay. But yeah, I'm always blown away. Like, is that happened with weed, do you think?

Are there people that lose their life to weed? Yeah. I mean, there are. The people that are so consumed with, what it does is I think with people who I've been around who go, like, who wake up and can't, like there are people who can smoke all day and that's how they operate.

But I'm saying the people who it adversely affects, I've seen people who it like deadens their personality so that they're numb to everything. And I know somebody like that who, you know, you can't call them a weed addict, but it was somebody who he then stopped and he's a completely different person. Like he seems like he's alive.

He was basically trying to make himself numb, and it worked. He was numb, but he didn't seem like anything was going on. He didn't react to anything, and that's what he did. He would just get super high all day. And if you were like, let's do anything, he'd have to get smoke a whole joint and just be like, fucking ripped to do it. And you're like, well, joint and just be like, like fucking ripped to do it.

And you're like, well, I get it for like, it's after the show or like, you know, we're gonna see a movie, you wanna get, but if he was waking up, he was waking up and it was like, from when you wake up till you go to bed, this dude was just like ripped. See, I love, like I love like a good two beer buzz, right? And it's like the one of the funnest things in the world and it's cool.

It is fun, especially when you're in the road to like, let it not, not, if you do it on purpose, you, but like it really fucks you up. Like if you're the guy that's like, I need a beer with lunch, because I'm, I had a rough night last night, that, I've seen that destroy people. I've seen that, I'll say their names, legit destroy people. But to be caught off guard and be like, you go out to lunch and then all of a sudden the waitress comes up and she's like,

hey, the bartender's a fan, we got you a flight of beers and then you and your opener's like, oh fuck, let's kill some beers, right? Get a little bit of a like a two beer, four beer buzz and then go back take a nap. See that shows. I can't do that. I have a hard time doing it oddly enough.

I have a hard time doing it if I'm working because it changes everything for my easement. I just don't like knowing that if I'm going to drink during the day knowing that I have to work that night, it just does something to me psychologically where I'm like, how am I going to feel now? Am I going to have to, am I going to want wanna nap and will I be able to catch that nap? Or am I gonna feel like groggy? Oh, I can catch the nap quick as fuck. Really?

Oh, it's one of my favorite naps. One of my favorite ones was drinking on radio. Moment ago, you're like, I have a tough time doing it, man. No, no, no, by the way, I used to do it so much on when I was doing the road. I used to do it so much on Thursday, Friday, where I go in do radio, drink on radio and be Chaos to sell tickets throughout the week that I could shut it down at I do it times

I didn't shut it down where I just go to like fucking four and then just pass out of four Wake up at eight go to the show and and it was some of the funnest shows I've ever had Because then you just power through and you keep drinking through the night. And some of the funnest shows I've ever had, because then you just power through and you keep drinking through the night. Yeah. Now on the first show, but on the second show, but man, drinking on radio, I've had some of the funnest fucking times,

where it's just absolute, I remember drinking while Coward one time and Andrew W. K. was there. And I was like, oh, we are getting fucked up. And then he was like, oh, I'm not drinking. I was like, what? And he was like, I don't drink during the day. And I was like, it was like finding out

that Jesus was just a good magician. Yeah. I was like, you don't drink. He's like, no, it's like a brand. I don't know, I'm not drinking. I was like, you're Andrew WK. Yeah. Like you're the party animal.

And he was like, yeah, I'm gonna shit together. I gotta work. And I was like, yeah, I'm gonna shit together too, and that's kind of the magic trick Is that a party and I get my shit done like yeah, you got to be able to do it I he had one beer with me. I'm like barely finished it. I was like So you used to get you used to get ripped at morning radio though. Oh Fucking annihilated annihilated and what whiskey right whatever that Whatever that was the fun part of it was like was like, hey, what do you got?

You know the one that made me, it was the funnest, the funnest was like, what do you guys have to drink? And they were like, huh? I'm like, what do you have to drink? Let's have a cocktail. And this is like 6.30 in the morning or? 6.37, something to talk.

If you found it, what do you do is you'd find a good radio station. You go and do radio, do like, do like, whatever you had to do, the am's, the talks, the sports, and then they take you to the rock station. Like, the, you know, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, find a good radio station. You go and do radio, do like, do like whatever you had to do, the am's, the talks, the sports, and then they take you to the rock station, like the big one.

The back of the day was like the regular guys, or cow head, Elliot in the morning, pressin' his Steve. Dude, I used to drink on pressin' his Steve and make and have so much fucking fun. But I remember, and they'd be like, we got M Night Shymalan coming in. You wanna stay, Bert? I'd be like, you got more beers you we got Courtney love coming in I'm like you want to stay I was like are you fucking kidding me and I would be obliterated and say whatever I wanted it was like

having a full fucking pass because everything was funny because you're wasted yeah and you're and then and then they're like he's been drinking since six and then Courtney will be like keep going I have a picture type in Burton Courtney love. I think we got wasted together Unreal we got images We got we had such a fun fucking time that morning I think we did get wasted together and You look good there. Yeah, type in Burton M. Night Shyamalan. That's the rough picture.

Really? Yeah. That's the thing to do. Look at the furthest one. I'm in a speedo. You don't look so good, dude. I'm in a speedo. And I am just dissecting his movies to him.

A obliterated. A obliterated. He asked me to perform one of his benefits. He did? He was like, I forgot. By the way, I'm in a fucking Jean Short Speedo at this. I've had some fucking, yeah, we had a good time. We had a good time.

He's a really cool guy. But that was like the funnest is that. Is that Bert? Yeah, that's me. That's you right there? Same thing. Same thing. It's my big beard at the time.

It doesn't look like you. I went in DJ Lazz out of Miami was like the fucking funnest. It's like you'd go into him and he always have cocktails. And he was like a legit DJ. So part of the show was like music and playing, like that's the same day. Click this, visit this. You look huge there.

I'm probably the same size I am today. Oh, I mean you look good. Just keep screwing. Keep, I don't even know what I was drinking there. These are, by the way, these are eight, nine times I drank on Preston's Steve. Keep going down. These, nine times I drank on press and Steve. Keep going down. These are nine times I drank on press and Steve. There's an article about this? Cute. They're not loading. You're shirtless there? Who's not my shirtless with? I don't remember

any of these. And now you were going in the next week. You were in, it's really the next week and I left those bottles, those whiskey bottles for you. am I shirtless with? I don't remember any of these. And now you were going in the next week. You were in, it's really the next week and I left those bottles, those whiskey bottles for you. Nice buddy. Yeah. I wish this was loading. I'd love to see these. Dude, it was the funnest.

Maybe do it in another browser, you know? Like, oh, the Carbure Classic was a rough one. We got wasted for that. I was right before COVID and everyone was like, oh, Pupu's been in their hand, touch you and you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then next thing, you know, DJ Lars was a DJ out of Miami, right? And he had a fucking great show. If you did DJ Lars well, you could sell tickets.

What's that? Who is that? What is that? What is that? Can you make it a little bigger? I invited Captain Sniff me. I'm a good sniffer. Keep going. Oh, one of them's gonna be, I can tell you the number one is probably, is Cinco de Mayo. It's 2013 right there, bro.

2013, keep going. You and Courtney. And Courtney. Most memorable, that's my most memorable that is with Memes, I don't remember that I keep going keep going that's oh, yeah, that's I'm night shaman's That's when I met night God you Yeah, that's night. Yeah, keep going. He's like, this guy's crazy.

A car bar classic was we pulled in, we were on tour in like the Pukips here or something. Oh, it's last year. Yeah, it's last year. And we, we pulled in, started drinking, did a radio interview, and then went and wrote a cardboard down a hill. A snow wow. Yeah, that was fucking great. That was us. Yeah, that was a fun one. That looks fun. Yeah, keep was fucking great. That was us. Yeah, that was a fun one. That looks fun. Yeah, keep going That's that same day Almost got pneumonia there that was with oh That was with Rob McElnerney from it's always sunny, right? He ended up drinking with me

We were it was the it was the Eagles were having their Super Bowl parade. Oh, oh. And I don't know why I was in town, but I was in town, they're like, hey, you wanna come in and do radio? And I was like, yeah. They're like Rob McLeaner and he's coming in. And I was like, oh, I love that dude, right?

And he's a big person in Steve Fambi, but he's also a big Philly Eagles guy. Yeah. And so we ended up drinking beers, watching the parade, and then I went down to the parade. I had to catch a flight, and this guy goes, this guy goes, I'm trying to get across and they'd cross the streets off, and this dude sees me,

and he's like, BIRT! I go, what? And he goes, you're trying to make it to flight, so he'd hurt me on press and I'd see him. I go, yeah, and he goes, not getting across street, brother. And I said, what do I do?

And he goes, kill a beer with me, and I'll show you. And I was like, it was like an adventure. So he cracked a beer, and he takes me underground, and gets me under the street. I was like, ha, he goes, kill a beard with me and I'll show you. And I was like, it was like an adventure. So he cracked a beard and he takes me underground and gets me under the street. I was like, oh, he goes kill another beard with me. I was like, fuck yeah. All right, keep going. Let's see, that was us at the,

that was us at the, number one is gotta be Cathy's Kins and Yara. That was a fucking fun one. That was Kathy. You're drinking there as a two dozen soda. This is so this was for a call and sick to work day. So this was Cinco de Mayo. Call the bill she and he probably replied, fuck yeah. And the rest is history. Okay. And we threw a Kinsen Yara, because it was Cinco de Mayo. They threw a Kinsen

Yara for Kathy. Okay. And I played her father-in-law. By the way, I'm certain we'd probably be canceled for all of this these days. We played, we brought in a Marachi band. Marachi 15? She was older than 15. But she had never had any kind of Debbie Ton or anything. So, singing a mother through a Kinsen era

and I played the part of her father. Gotcha. And so I dressed in my wife and my red pants, and then I went straight to the club and did a wasted, did a call and stick to work show, and had a fucking, Billy's been a good home to me, man. Billy's off.

Billy's been a great, it's okay. Top five places. Top five places in the, there we go. Top five places in the country where you feel like it's almost like a second home. You gotta do this. It's almost going to be a bonus one. Oh, yeah, I got wasted and said I could do a 65 mile bike ride tip from Philly to Atlanta City.

Yeah. And they were like, no way. And I partied all night and then showed up the next day with my bike and I rode my bike to fucking Atlantic City from Philly. That was a huge mistake. Ha! Ha! Ha!

The also the day you're like, I'm cross-stable. Yeah. I thought, yeah, you definitely remember that. Okay. Right. The top five places in cities in America, where you feel like it's the second home.

Where I just feel like comfortable. Where you go there and you go, I've been coming to the city so much, this feels like a, I feel like if a fan recognized me, they actually know me because I've been coming here so much. Yeah. I can't say Florida, because Florida's kind of, I mean Florida's like, Tampa's like my,

it is my home, so I can't say Florida, but you can say Florida if you want. No, I would say actually for me, it would be Denver. I love, I feel super comfortable there. I would step out of the United States and say Vancouver, then Seattle, Chicago. So interesting. That's so interesting.

And then probably, I feel, I really like Boston and fill you a lot. Okay. Those are the places where I feel like Boston and Philly a lot. Okay. Those are the places where I feel like really at ease. You know, I don't feel like, where am I? I really feel at ease in those cities. So I think I saw this at six. I feel like the cities that are second homes to me,

meaning is probably DC. Yeah. Philly. Philly is probably Ph. Yeah. Philly. Philly is probably Philly, Ohio, like all of Ohio. I feel like there's nine homes in Ohio because I feel like I've gone to Ohio so much. So much, yeah. So much, I've gone to Ohio.

Yeah, I should probably add them to. And also, I left that Minneapolis, which I always feel very comfortable in. I'm trying to think probably Arizona. Really? I'm gonna go into Arizona for so long that I feel like I actually know Arizona. Every time I play Phoenix is a good time.

Phoenix is always a fucking blast. And then maybe I'd say, you know it's interesting, because Chicago never had radio. You never had radio to do something. And I didn't place Chicago a lot. It's just, I'm listening places that like when I go there, I'm just like, yeah, I wanna stay here.

Oh, okay, yeah, I mean. Yeah, we should probably go, I gotta go do a fucking. Oh yeah, you gotta do it. I gotta, I gotta, I gotta move, I gotta move everything. This fucking, this is the last time you'll see me with me using my arm. You're gonna be fine. You're gonna be told, you're actually really nervous now. You're gonna be really, this is the last time you'll see me using my arm. You're gonna be fine. You're gonna be totally nervous.

Yes. You're gonna be really fine. I promise you. This is not what you think it is. It's gonna be totally fine. Or it's exactly what I think it is. Really unlikely you're gonna die. We just looked at the odds.

It's unlikely. Yeah, but yeah. You might have like, I don't know, like, you know, respiratory system shuts down or something, but that's not gonna lead Guys You want to say a last message just in case just in case red rock September 8 Cleveland, Ohio Cleveland, Ohio. Those are the big menus I'm playing. I love your family.

I'll always be there. What should I do with my left hand the last time on this show? Hold your dick, man. I love you. This is Burke Christcher for the last time for five, four months using my left arm signing off from this point on, you will only see us braced in our arms like this. We should have thought of what we're going to do challenge-wise with our left arms when we get them back.

I think yours is going to work a lot better than mine for a while. Well, what we should do is we should talk about it, we should talk about it when we get our braces and we'll see you in Austin. Okay, we'll do the next podcast, we'll be in Austin, right? Probably. And I'll have my brace and you'll have your brace. Be great.

Can't wait. You're gonna be fine, dude. I think it's annexed today, you think? I should. I would ask. I would ask. Yeah, alright. And unlikely, anaphylactic shock, unlikely to be in cardiac arrest. It was great seeing you guys. It was great seeing you guys.

Love you Tommy. I love you. Bird and Tom. Tom and Bert. One goes top and swath the other. Where's the shirt? Tom and Till stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean

Here's what we call, screw bears one cave No scripts to bet a booze amateur, pathology Dirty jokes, ronti humor, no apologies Here's what we call, screw bears one cave Bye!