2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Growing Up With A Serial Killer w/ Ari Shaffir | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Starting point is 00:00:00 100% Cheers And welcome to another episode of Two Bears One Cave. Our next guest has a new special dropping on Netflix on January 14th. It's called America's Sweet Hat. That's what I am. Ari Shaffir. Thanks guys.

Starting point is 00:00:19 Good to be here. Nice to see you boys again. Good to see you. It was fun. Congratulations. Congrats. Thank you. Congratulations. Congrats. Thank you. You excited?

Starting point is 00:00:27 I'm pretty excited, yeah. When did you shoot this one? April, in DC. In DC, okay. In April. I'm always curious, as a self-destructive comic, what are your intentions for this special? As someone who doesn't care about making money,

Starting point is 00:00:40 touring, keeping ticket prices low, and kind of likes to blow up their own career, what are you hoping comes out of this? Oh, good question. Do you want Bradley Cooper to call you and be like, you're so talented? No. No, that's not what I think. That would be bad.

Starting point is 00:00:57 Hey, it's Brad. He's gonna phone call one day, it's Brad. He FaceTimes. He FaceTimes. He just FaceTimes. What a geezer. Oh, he's awesome. That's what my mom does. That's what I do. FaceTimes? That's what Shaq does. He does FaceTimes, he FaceTimes. He just FaceTimes, what a geezer. Oh, he's awesome. That's what my mom does.

Starting point is 00:01:05 That's what I do. FaceTimes? That's what Shaq does. He does FaceTimes. I FaceTime everyone. If I was Shaq, I would just FaceTime straight to dick, all the time. Wow.

Starting point is 00:01:14 Well, how could you not? It's such a bold move, I know. He FaceTime me taking a shit one time. He was taking a shit? Yeah. What? I would love to see what that was like. And I was on stage.

Starting point is 00:01:22 How big are his dumps? That's what I'm saying, I wanna see that bowl. Yeah. I got videos. Let's see it. Are they shits? You don't have a video of his shit. Almost certain I do. So he showed you the bowl?

Starting point is 00:01:35 No, hold on. You went in there afterwards? Just kinda sniffed around? Doesn't have a auto flusher? Yeah. But think about how big, how long. No, you never sit in the toilet and your dick hits the bowl. I mean, he's got to get extra big toilets.

Starting point is 00:01:51 The volume. I took a shit at his house and I was thinking about that. I was like, oh man, this is where he shits. Because also it must be, we went to the Philadelphia, whatever, like all their, like the 76ers, all their toilets like way way higher the urinals start here. Yeah sure yeah, yeah short is six five right right He's going to your shit, okay, and wait you have the aftermath he's farting his way in No. No. Another video.

Starting point is 00:02:30 I would love a count on how many times, like if there was a running life count on how many times he's hit his head on a doorway. Like, it's probably in the thousands, right? Where he's just like, fuck! Because everyone's experienced it, but it's a daily occurrence for him. Nothing is made for that man ever nothing toothbrushes. His teeth are bigger like a toothbrush He's gonna go like he said that for a water bottle when I sat down with him

Starting point is 00:02:53 I was like what so he's like these fucking little things regular water bottle And he's a fuck just squeezes it have you seen a special? Jack has a special now come on Netflix. Yeah, it's called Shaq. No, it's it's on the magic penny hard way in Shaq has a special now? Come on Netflix. Yeah, it's called Shaq. No, it's on the magic. Penny Hardaway and Shaq. Oh, oh yeah, yeah. When you see Shaq at 22, buddy, that, he is, I mean, undeniable. Because he was lean and powerful too.

Starting point is 00:03:17 300 pounds of lean muscle. He was 285 when he got in the league. At LSU. And he, yeah, and he would run the, remember he would like sometimes take the ball up himself. They would just dish it in, and he would run up the court the way he would move. I asked him, I asked him,

Starting point is 00:03:30 because when I was dating a girl who lived in Orlando on the same lake Shaq did, in college, and you know like, white men or some older white men at that time would just be like, man, Shaq's a wild man, you know what he does? They take their jet skis and they run them from the lake into his pool. And I wanted to know if that was real.

Starting point is 00:03:49 Shaq goes, yeah, we did that. He would take his jet ski, go as fast as they could on the lake, and then get on the grass and try to get it all the way up to the pool. Sounds right. And you're looking at just dentists going, what the fuck? My favorite with him was then Jackass, and he starts with, he's holding Wee Man

Starting point is 00:04:05 but you can't see him, he's just here to here. He goes I'm just killing you, this is bowling for whatever and then he pans out, he's got Wee Man and then all of them are lined up, one, two, three, four, he just throws Wee Man at all of them. But my favorite, he's doing some setup shot and somebody comes with a water balloon and hits him and he's like, hits like that

Starting point is 00:04:21 and he just looks at the camera guy, he goes, was that piss? The camera goes, yeah, he goes. and he just looks at the camera guy and goes, was that piss? The camera guy goes, yeah. He goes, and then just takes off after this guy. Have you seen the video of Philip Seymour Hoffman falling off a van? No. Do you type in Philip Seymour Hoffman commercial guitar fall?

Starting point is 00:04:41 It is, I saw it this morning and I was like, it's a real fucking, yeah, that's it. That's it This is insane Dude this is from a commercial. Yeah, I think so Watch this okay Yeah, you go. Oh, this is in, uh, what's it called? Hey, this is Dean Trumbull for the Mattress Man. Give me a call at 3-7-0-0-4-66. Is this the porn movie? Uh, no, I don't think so.

Starting point is 00:05:08 Yeah, no, punchy. Punchy. Okay. ...for $99 and King set for $129. Oh. Shit! Man, you all right? Oh, yeah. Shit, man, you okay? I was afraid that was gonna happen. I was afraid that was going to happen.

Starting point is 00:05:26 You're terrible. I was afraid that was going to happen with that goddamn thing. You all right? Sure you OK? No, I'm fine. You're all right. You're going to poor leather. I feel like it's hard, though.

Starting point is 00:05:36 You got it on film? Yeah, we got it. That's great. That's a pro. Or someone that is using heroin. Yeah. Yeah, I don't feel pain. Heroin helps. I don't feel anything. That's a pro. Or someone that is using heroin. Yeah. Yeah, I don't feel pain. Heroin helps.

Starting point is 00:05:47 I don't feel anything. That's a legit fucking fall. That's a fall. That definitely sucked, man. I'm sorry. The second bounce and then it was like, oh no, it's trouble. I saw it this morning and I was like, that's, you gotta go to the hospital. Yeah, that definitely sucks.

Starting point is 00:06:00 Were you searching for yourself? No, it just came up. All that's in my feed right now, all that's in my feed is Shane Gillis clips, Theo Von clips. The Shane Gillis ones come nonstop. Nonstop. The fucking CEO shooter, Breonna Chicken Fry. Breonna Chicken Fry?

Starting point is 00:06:20 Breonna Chicken Fry. You know, are you familiar with the Breonna Chicken Fry thing? Say her name. Breonna Chicken Fry. Say her name Brianna chicken fried? Say her name Am I saying it wrong? Try it say it again Brianna chicken fried. Yeah, you're saying it wrong. Well, you say it Brianna chicken fry Huh? I'm talking about Brianna Taylor. Who the fuck are you talking about? Say her name. I

Starting point is 00:06:40 Feel like I feel like Brianna Chicken Fried. Who the fuck are you talking, I don't even think you know who I'm talking about. I know exactly who you're talking about. Who? Brianna Chicken Fry. Who is she dating?

Starting point is 00:06:52 She was dating that country singer, what's his name? I forgot his name right now. Zach Bryant. Zach Bryant, yeah. Yeah. Why do you keep saying her name wrong? She's a lunatic. I'm not saying her name wrong.

Starting point is 00:07:00 You are, you keep saying it wrong. He just typed it in, Brianna Chicken Fry. Where? Oh, Chicken Fry? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Chicken fry? You said chicken fried. Yeah, you said fried every time.

Starting point is 00:07:08 Oh, I know. Okay, wait. That was what it said. I mean, we're really splitting hairs over a fucking name, make believe me. I mean, that's a good point. That's a good point. It's not a real name.

Starting point is 00:07:21 Yeah, Brie Lepaglia. Who is she? She had a podcast with Grace O'Malley. Okay. And I guess Zach Brian. Who's hotter? Did she used to hang out at the store? Did she go to the store?

Starting point is 00:07:35 No, really? I mean, she would get a lot of attention at the store. Maybe I'm thinking of somebody else. Here's the deal, do you know any of the gossip? Because I want to run it all by you and see what you think. Run it by me, I don't. So Zach Brian, I'm going to jump in, throw my two cents in. OK.

Starting point is 00:07:47 He's getting rid of all those. Oh, you're talking about two cents. I'm all ears. OK. Is there any way I can get you up to three? Yeah. Those two cents really add up, right? Two here, two there, two everywhere.

Starting point is 00:08:06 Yeah. All of a sudden you got 10 cents. Go ahead. That's not how the government's working for you. You can do that all the time. That's so great. So, Zack Brian, Zack Brian, I don't know how to say his last name.

Starting point is 00:08:24 I don't know if it's Brian or Bryant. It's one of the two. Zachary and her, apparently, this is my two cents for everything, he got famous, he doesn't have any real friends, starstating this chick. Out of his league. Out of his league, doesn't deserve her.

Starting point is 00:08:38 In real life, she'd never date him. I think she said she was in love with him. I don't think she really compartmentalized how much the fame and doing arenas and dating the guys standing in front of the arena mattered into that. That's just my opinion. She was already a public figure before they started dating? No, I mean she was, she had a podcast,

Starting point is 00:08:53 but she wasn't who she is today. Trouble, yeah. And so, but apparently he just gets famous and he can't control it and he doesn't know how to deal with it and he just is a pretty bad boyfriend to her. And from what everyone says, here's the weird part, is that anytime he acts up, her friends are around,

Starting point is 00:09:11 they always record him. Oh, that's pretty rough. Yeah, and this is how bad of a boyfriend he was. He gets drunk and while she's sleeping, he just starts recording her and wake her up and going, how do you like that, huh? Yeah, so it's not, the relationship is doomed. That's also not gonna catch her or anything.

Starting point is 00:09:25 What's she gonna catch her doing? The relationship was doomed. Hot chick, ugly guy, lots of money, can't trust anyone. He's a star. He's a star, and he's really talented, and he's good. The dynamic is way off, because without his guitar, he's doing anything she asks of him. He's changing her tires.

Starting point is 00:09:46 It looks like a guy that would fill up the tires at the shop and then she'd be like, thank you. And then that would be the highlight of his day. You see that chick pull him and I've filled up her tires. She's so hot. Bro, tell us about what she smelled like. Yeah, exactly. That would be the full story.

Starting point is 00:09:59 She is absolutely beautiful. She really is. And he's, you know, I just don't see, if he's not a country western star, him getting her. He doesn't look country also. He looks like a boob like type of music. He is, he's country, he's really talented. Is that we're all fishing in the same boat?

Starting point is 00:10:15 Anyway, they break up. He says, yo, 12 million dollars, let's never talk about this relationship again. Wait, wait, wait, he just gave her 12 million dollars? You gotta sign an NDA. Why, she's already recorded everything. Oh How much money does he make the tour grows 199 million? Wow, that's a lot. Yeah, I take everything I said back about him. I think he's right behind bad looking

Starting point is 00:10:36 Talented and I'm a big fan Coldplay is too. He is Hang on. Okay. This is the one part where I think Briana got confused with emotions and loving a person as opposed to what it's like hanging out with number eight on the Worldwide top touring artist list when you hang out with number eight you always fly private Yeah, you always have meals prepared you have people getting you anything you want. Life is different. That is a 1% motherfucker, and she got a taste of what it's like to be with the 1%ers, and she liked it. All you gotta do is not stir the pot. And that's one thing she couldn't do.

Starting point is 00:11:16 No, no, no. He broke up with her. He broke up with her because I think he's just... Dude, I think he doesn't understand how fucking what a mind fuck being number eight on this list is for him He's trying to be a real dude and there's no way you can be real when you're number eight That's just impossible bad bunny is in front of him the guy changed his name, but bad bunny Yeah, well no one on the list is a reasonable person not one They're all out of their fucking minds because that's what yeah, and I think he's full of shit, too You know Donna's crazy

Starting point is 00:11:44 Metallica guys, it's a spectrum. Well, Brianna needs to realize she's hanging out with a young Madonna. Yeah, yeah, exactly. A young Madonna. The Stones, Luis Miguel. Literally no one knows who Luis Miguel is. No.

Starting point is 00:11:54 Not one of us have ever heard of that name before. I know who that is. He's fourth in the world. I know who that is. Who hasn't heard of him? Luis Miguel, this is how his life is. He will go perform, and I'm saying soaking, soaking sweating. Take that shirt off, throw it, and the women will take it and drink the water from his

Starting point is 00:12:13 sweat. Rocking for real? Yeah, dude. What do you think that does to your head? Yeah. He's not a well adjusted guy. There's no fucking way. Playoffs?

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Starting point is 00:16:15 All this. We offer her $12 million. She says, don't say a fucking word. Let's just break up. It's over. That seems plenty. All right. She doesn't take it.

Starting point is 00:16:23 She doesn't take it. She can get more on the market with that information. No, no. She says, my silence is invaluable it. She doesn't take it. She can get more no on the market with no No, she says you my silence is invaluable. I need to tell my story And so she goes like this is gonna get some downloads Yeah, and you know Portnoy was like you should come on my podcast and talk about it Her is a podcast had to be pretty big right? She had one with grace was a good pocket It was a really cool podcast. Yeah, and then she has one with Dave Portnoy and Josh and Josh. All the time or just an episode?

Starting point is 00:16:47 All the time. It's called BFFs, I think. Why'd she call herself Chicken Fry? I think it's, I don't know. It's not from him. Like, I think he's got- It's before. It's before, yeah.

Starting point is 00:16:57 It's just a nickname. But Dave's like, you know, Dave's like, fucking burn the bridges. Tell your fucking side of the story. Tell everything. I don't know, Zach fucking go. Yeah. Yeah Oh, no, Dave doesn't know Zach Brian and does not like him. Oh, oh, Zach Brian kicked his dog out of a green room Well, here's the origin she compared her leg once to a Burger King chicken fry. Hmm

Starting point is 00:17:22 Okay, just a question first, this chick fucking sucks. No. Yeah. No. This chick sucks. No, you'd fucking fall in love with her, she's funny. If you take, she's only funny if you look at her face. On paper, this chick sucks.

Starting point is 00:17:39 She, oh my leg is like a fry from a burger. Everyone will say that now God hot chicks will make you think they're funny when they are not that that is a true thing Yes, that's true. Well, you're like if you put them in a fat guy's body, they're just annoying same joke Let me try it come on egg chicken fry Chicken fry David burnt chicken fry It was like, yeah. The fact that if David Lucas did that, you're like, that's part of it, actually. David Lucas, David Chicken Fry. Man, David Byrne Chicken Fry. She's not that bad. But what do you think?

Starting point is 00:18:12 And then now her and Grace are having a falling out. So Grace- Of course, because she sucks. Wait, why are they having a falling out? Because I just partied with Grace in Nashville. Is Grace fucking Zach Brian now? No, Grace sniffed it out day one. She's like, this guy fucking sucks.

Starting point is 00:18:26 You've got to hear what grace talks. Why are they having a problem? Cause she didn't listen to him? No, because I think, I don't know why they had a falling out, but now they broke up their podcast. Grace went out and is doing standup show opening for Whitney. And she went out. Wait, wait, wait.

Starting point is 00:18:40 I love you so much. Okay, go ahead. You needed to just process that? Yeah. Okay. She's doing stand up now, immediately jumps to theater tours. Okay, go ahead. I love these people that are like, I worked hard. I practiced for over seven months to get where I'm at. Grace, grace and Briana together. Have any of these bitches done a year of featuring on the road to hopefully turn 10 into headline game?

Starting point is 00:19:06 I can't tell you that. I don't know the answer to that. I don't know the answer to that. But I like them together. I like them separate. I kind of like Zach Brian's music. My question is, is it worth the 12 million? Do you sign it, shut your mouth, never say a fucking word?

Starting point is 00:19:21 Her circumstances come into play in that decision. There's the integrity of my silence, but it's also like, if she was working at Burger King serving chicken fries, and someone's like, here's $12 million, you probably would take it. But she's probably, I'm saying she's probably in a good position to be able to do that too. How much do you think she makes on a podcast

Starting point is 00:19:41 over Bar School? I have no fucking idea. Two million a year? I don't know. I don't know. I've never heard of it. But enough where it didn't sway her to jump on it. What do you think she makes on a podcast over Barstool? I have no fucking idea. Two million a year? Tops? I don't know, I don't know. I've never heard of it. But enough where it didn't sway her to jump on it. Yeah, if you could offer Rogan 12 million dollars, he was like, oh, here's you, I'll give it to you.

Starting point is 00:19:53 Can I tell you, can I tell you? I just had that randomly. Here's what bothered me in this whole thing. Okay. Is I listen to her podcast where she talks about what it was like dating Zach. She opens up, she kinda slams him pretty aggressively. We used to film him and he'd get weird about it. No, she didn't say that.

Starting point is 00:20:12 What was her problem? He wasn't a good boyfriend, and you have those. That you have those. What, like bad at an anniversary? I've sold my silence for nothing before. There's people that we had bad issues with that we sold for nothing. We just don't talk.

Starting point is 00:20:28 Yeah. And then the other part is that she opened up everything and I was like, it's better not to talk sometimes. How bad do you want sometimes for just someone to hack your phone and release it like I didn't put it out? So badly. And all the darkest shit. So fucking.

Starting point is 00:20:42 You more than anybody. I feel like you have. I am so fucking vindictive. I am so fucking vengeful. I have, it's so hard for me to forgive and forget. Because it's like, you know why, and you know this and you know this, is that I get put in a situation where they,

Starting point is 00:21:00 and this is why I identify with her, where I get taken advantage of and put in a weird compromising situation and they just go, fuck him, fuck him. What's he gonna do? And you just go, because I'm a nice guy you think I'm weak. Fucking, and so this whole thing kinda fucking bothered me.

Starting point is 00:21:17 Because part of me was like, don't take the money and don't say a fucking word. I didn't realize you were this invested in this. That's probably the biggest surprise of this whole thing. So why was he a bad boyfriend? He did more stuff, I'm sure. He just said mean things and verbal stuff. I think, I don't know, I don't really. Those are just, he's just, maybe.

Starting point is 00:21:36 Could have, maybe, possibly. Maybe hit. It's like, how, I mean, okay, the worst girlfriend you ever had Yeah, if she did a tell-all podcast just fucking wouldn't be great I got a girl. I have a girlfriend. It just if her friends did a podcast about me I mean bad. Oh man. It's like the worst. He'd always finish her food before she was done eating it. I love you guys. That's the number one complaint.

Starting point is 00:22:15 I haven't eaten in years. I was like, let me be done first, though. I put salt on Leanne's food the other day. You used salt on it? On her food. Because you were gonna eat it. Because I was gonna eat it and I was like, hang on, let's get that.

Starting point is 00:22:30 And she was like, what are you doing? I said, I'm saltin' your food. Not salty enough for me. It was painful. No, I just, I think that was the thing that was like, I've sold my silence for zero. Yeah, 12 million though. That million's a lot of money. 12 million's fucking.

Starting point is 00:22:48 Three or 400,000 would be a solid offer. The other thing that's relevant is that, you know, we live in this world now, everything is like public consumption, but like a relationship's supposed to be private. And so for someone to go like, hey, how about the thing that was between us that sucked, you don't talk about and you're like, I don't know. Unless you go like, I have to relay this story.

Starting point is 00:23:12 Well, if you're relaying, like, like you said, like being hit or something like, like real abuse, like I understand. But if you're just like, yeah, he just sucked. Why do you have to, why do you have to tell her what it was? And that's got a data. Like I could, to date her? You gotta be on your best behavior all the time. Every time you start arguing you'd be like, is your phone fucking recording this? The best is the Mel Gibson argument with his chick. When she knows she's recording it, he doesn't, and she's being overly calm. And that's just making him more enraged. He's like, what's wrong with you?

Starting point is 00:23:43 He's like, you should blow me. You shouldn't talk like that. Yeah. You should get hit by a pack of bugs. Wait, so this is your first, I wanted to point out, this is your welcome back to Netflix too, right? Welcome back, yeah, 2017 it was on there. 2017? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:23:58 Are you excited that it's there? I don't, honestly at this point I don't give a fuck about platform anymore. Really? I'd like the most people to see it. Which is, but that's where the most are gonna see the yeah, yeah YouTube got sensory. Yeah, did it? Yeah, it started just randomly going now. We're not gonna show anybody this you said So we know the origin of chicken fry. Why America's sweetheart?

Starting point is 00:24:20 Yeah, no I'm trying to get people to get off on like get off the news and stuff and try to like Appreciate the good things in life and you got an they're also gonna release Jew. Yeah, they're also what you yeah Yeah, their boss was mad like how come we didn't get that So they were talking to them. That's great. Yeah, that's awesome. Does that mean it comes off a YouTube? I don't Ask me my Jews about that I don't Gotta ask me my Jews about that

Starting point is 00:24:49 I don't know. I don't know. I think it might be up to me. What would you do? Would you take it off and like yeah? Yeah, both. Yeah, take it off Wait what what? Never mind. Let's go to commercial. Wait, what? Andrew Schultz called Kendrick Lamar. Oh. Oh, Jesus Christ. What a dumb argument that was. It was based on nothing.

Starting point is 00:25:13 It wasn't even like, like, don't talk about black chicks. I don't know. Andrew's just like funny about it. And then Kendrick's like a baby. Did he respond? Kendrick? To Schultz's response? I think his fans did. Oh, the fans did. Yeah, they're not like the baby. Did he respond? Kendrick to to Schultz's response? I think his fans did.

Starting point is 00:25:25 Oh the fans definitely did. Yeah they're not like the smartest. You had those guys come out to you before. Oh my god it's so dumb. They're so dumb. The dumbest of those are so dumb. So, um, yeah, yeah, they've come out to me pretty hard, but it's like, they just get mad about disrespect on a level. Like, I don't even know what you're talking about. There's this new thing too, that people do that is in this world where if somebody goes like, if they would fall, find that story, they see a video and somebody goes, wait, what is, like, what's the story here?

Starting point is 00:26:07 So one of, a fan will always go, this is none of your business. Stay out of, stay out of other people's business. And you're like, what, this is a fucking public platform. People are there like, it doesn't involve you. And you're like, huh? I'm not on the street. Yeah, this is just, I wanna know what the story is here.

Starting point is 00:26:23 And they're like, and not for you. I'm like, oh, okay. know what the story is here. And they're like, not for you. I'm like, oh, okay. How do you know about me? I'll just ask somebody else, thanks. Does BluChu work? If you're asking that question, we want you to know that BluChu is putting their money where their mouth is by giving you a month free.

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Starting point is 00:29:18 About what, spelling? No, no, no. It was V-Day gifts for the hood with a hashtag. Oh, you got involved in it? And I saw it and I was reading it and it was like, it was really racist. It was like, it was black people making the racist jokes. Get her another baby, you know,

Starting point is 00:29:34 she already got 10 of them or whatever. And then, so I put in, I just Google searched great Valentine's Day gifts and then just put one in. I was like, how about a classy pen? And they fucking went off. They're like, stay out of this white boy. This ain't for you.

Starting point is 00:29:51 Mind your own business. And then I went, okay, how about anything Dungeons and Dragons, son? And they were like white boy. Yeah, and then, and I thought it was funny, but then you start getting like, you start getting death threats. It's trolling, it's so fun. It's trolling, it's trolling. It's so fun, and then you're I thought it was funny, but then you start getting like, you start getting death threats. It's trolling, it's so fun.

Starting point is 00:30:07 It's trolling, it's trolling. It's so fun, and then you're getting a rise out of them, and then the rise goes a little bit too far, and they come after your mom, and you're like, oh. I got into it with Korea too, one time. The whole country? Well, I thought the joke was funny. Or is that another black joke?

Starting point is 00:30:18 Korean Twitter, Korean Twitter. It's, and I said. It's a Korean Twitter. I said, how narcissistic for Kim Jong Un to name all his children after himself. He's got Kim Jong Il, Kim Jong. It was just a joke, right? It was like I thought it was,

Starting point is 00:30:38 and then man, I mean, it was right around Asian Hate Month. Yeah, Asian Hate Month. Whatever it is. Remember when everyone. You mean stop Asian hate? Yes, Asian hate right around Asian hate month. Yeah, and it was like. Asian hate month. Whatever it is. Remember when everyone. You mean stop Asian hate? Yes, stop Asian hate. Oh, maybe it was my hashtag. Stop Asian hate.

Starting point is 00:30:51 It's their month. Asian hate month. Did they explain to you that Kim Jong is actually the last name who just refers to it? I knew that, that was the joke. Yeah. I was like, ah, I got it. And they were like, this is what's wrong

Starting point is 00:31:02 with racist white people. And I was like. That? I was like, okay, I just deleted it quick, so I was like, these. Not worth it. And they were like, this is what's wrong with racist white people. And I was like, that? I was like, okay. I just deleted it quick. So I was like, these. Not worth it. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:31:10 I got lectured. Lectured is such a great thing to have to deal with. I had a visceral response to the Will Smith slapping Chris Rock thing. Yeah, you were mad. You worked up. We're all pretty worked up. I was worked up.

Starting point is 00:31:23 I let it out online, but then I let it out in interviews. And You let it out. I let it out online, but then I let it out in interviews. And like, I think when I let it out online, I was also like, I guess I was typing things out and I just wasn't, I was like, fuck this bitch. Like talking about the wife and like, and also, and then people were doing the same thing to me where they were like, this ain't your business, man.

Starting point is 00:31:46 Stay out of black folk business. And I was like, yeah, that's not what this is. Like this happened on stage and this is a comedian that got hit for saying something. Why is this a black thing? And they're like, let them handle this. I was like, no, that's not, I can weigh in on this if I want to.

Starting point is 00:32:01 But then I was in New York that week and I'm walking down the street and this black dude just walks by me and he goes, ah! And I was like, oh, this is like the residual effect. I was like, oh shit, now I have to like keep my head on a swivel. But they were into it.

Starting point is 00:32:16 They were into it, yeah, yeah. But then it just became like, it started as like an emotional reaction and then I started trolling. Right. Because it was like- They're right there. They're presenting themselves for you. Yeah, it just took off on it, yeah.

Starting point is 00:32:29 Oh, it's the best. It's fun though. You're the, you find more joy in that than anyone I know. It's just get a rise out of people. It's just so fun to deal with, just to like get rises. It's fun to throw a grenade into a room, shut the door and walk away and go, I don't care what happens.

Starting point is 00:32:43 Yeah, let's see them all fight. Yeah, I mean, I'm not good at it. I stay offline really kind of entirely. Here's one for the fans. You want to fight any comedian you meet. Yeah. If you want to fuck with them. All you gotta say is, oh dude, I love this.

Starting point is 00:32:55 You're my second favorite comedian. Yeah. If you say you're one of my favorites, they'll take that. Second favorite, they will all ask who it is. Who? Who's number one, and then hit them with anything you want. Just see how they react. Yeah, or the other one that gets comedians to go like, wait, what, what, is if you go,

Starting point is 00:33:12 you know who you remind me of? Oh no. And then they'll be like, cause all the comedians will do is think of like, whoever the five best comedians are, and they'll be like, one of them, right? Picture of Lenny Bruce Somebody who isn't they're like wait what like you reminded me of who and that will get any comic fired up You remind me of and then just say anybody anybody who's not one of the elite five

Starting point is 00:33:37 Yeah, always gets a reaction. But can you do because you were doing a really awesome Impression before we started. Oh yeah. Of who? Of Winston Churchill. Great world leader. Yeah, let me do it. Let's do it.

Starting point is 00:33:51 Get your glasses on. You might want to turn around and come back. I think that's usually how it works. I write down great Winston Churchill quotes and then I say them to myself. All wayward steps are planted without too much calculation. But that is not a British accent. It goes in and out. Ah, wayward.

Starting point is 00:34:11 Ah, wayward. It sounds like John F. Kennedy a little bit. This is what Winston Churchill sound. I can use a drink. Look at how that's how good that impression is. I want a drink now. I could use a glass of champagne. Get rude.

Starting point is 00:34:27 But it sounds like old timey Americana. Do JFK then. Four score and seven years ago. Why'd you give him Lincoln? Oh, is that Lincoln? Why'd you give him Lincoln's words? Oh, everyone join the Peace Corps. That's the same as your Winston Churchill.

Starting point is 00:34:41 No, it's very different. Definitely not very different. Even you would have not very different. This is JFK. This is Winston Churchill. It sounds like the 1920s. You just went louder. No, I've been watching this Winston Churchill documentary.

Starting point is 00:34:58 I got him down pat. He talks like this. Wouldn't it be like wayward steps? Like, wouldn't you throw some brick some let me see a little bit of Yours, let me see the quote Fuck the quote up. So you got to kind of improv it. Oh sure just like some guidance. Okay Our way would steps are planted without best planted with that what the fuck kind of quote is this? I don't know. I fucked it up. Without too much calculation, I mean,

Starting point is 00:35:25 he doesn't talk like this. But at least an accent. It's Winston Churchill. Some accent would go, oh, it might, like he's not. Oh, wait, what's, no, I can't do that. What I'm doing is I'm playing chords with a little bit of finger picking, and you're thinking it's just chords.

Starting point is 00:35:43 Yeah, you gotta get your ears checked, bro. Yeah, it's the accent you don't hit. That's what you gotta listen for. The notes you don't hit. Is this why we don't do Sober October anymore? Maybe. Because I'm not good at accents? No, I love you.

Starting point is 00:35:54 Yeah, that's what, yeah. Ari, as a member of both Sober October and Protect Your Parts. Oh yeah, you're the only one. Protect Our Parts, yeah. You're the only one. Please have some respect. You're the only one.

Starting point is 00:36:02 But Respect Under Name. What's that? But Respect Under Name. We've never watched an episode, we refuse to. Okay. We just think it's kind of ridiculous that we got replaced. Yeah. Just replaced.

Starting point is 00:36:10 Just like two new white guys, at least make it diverse, bring in an Asian or a black guy. No. Wait, you didn't pick it. I did pick it, I'm the one who put it in. No, he brought them there. I said, hey, we're going to Skankfest, we're going to Day early, who wants us?

Starting point is 00:36:24 You replaced us? Yeah. Yeah. Why? Because you were showing me some disrespect off the free drugs I gave you. No thank you, and then so forth. Wait, wait, wait.

Starting point is 00:36:36 And then I said, okay, I'll move on. We got replaced because you drugged me and I didn't enjoy it. You did enjoy it. But no, hold on. You didn't act like you enjoyed it. Hold on, I thought Joe replaced us. I said to Joe and Tom, hey.

Starting point is 00:36:53 And Tom? Yeah, I'm gonna be in Austin. I sent him both texts with Norman and Shane. And I said, we gotta go to Houston. We can stop for a day before. You want like a four, and Joe's like, yeah. Just so you know, I don't care. Just so you know, I'm the only one that cares.

Starting point is 00:37:12 Tom's like, I'm running an empire. I have a career also, but also, I do go, it would be fun to get that Joe. To get that laid back. back the fun to protect your parks Joe is not so Brock Torbrough's No, it's pretty close it's pretty close we just get tuned up and fucking all you do is chat with none of us challenge them to fucking workouts None of us are protected parts go. Let's do a push. I think I'm getting the I think I'm understanding. Am I the problem?

Starting point is 00:37:43 You're the factor. I wouldn't say problem. Am I the problem? You're the factor. I wouldn't say problem. You're a factor, you're a key factor for sure. I like Mike. Part of it is that when you come in, he's going like, how's this guy alive? You're the self-help guy. Yeah, he's.

Starting point is 00:37:57 Self-help guy. No, you're not the self-help, he's like, let's help this guy. Not self-help. Now what's the opposite of self-help? This is backfiring? Yeah, so it becomes that that's when it becomes annoying for you when you're like, all right, leave me alone. Yeah, because sometimes you come in, right? And he's just like, what's going

Starting point is 00:38:14 on? You're right. Yeah, I've taken that role and protect our parks where they're like, let's advise our I'm like, I don't want advice. Oh, they started that to you. Yeah, I'm like, Oh, see, so it just shifts. Wait, who's Bert and who's Tom in Protect Your Parks? Protect Our Parks. It is, okay, it's all shifted. Yeah. So it ain't- Shane's Bert.

Starting point is 00:38:33 No. Bullshit, I am not Mark. No. Are you me? I'm you. You're me? I'm you. Shane's Joe.

Starting point is 00:38:42 What? Joe's Tom. Shut the fuck up. Joe what Joe's Tom shut the fuck up. Yeah Tom Norman's me and I'm you Wow, that's a huge shift. That's actually yeah, it's Shane show Oh, it's Shane runs it. Yeah, really Shane show really? This is my impression of Joe Rogan when Shane's in the room Do you impression impression of Joe Rogan when I'm I'll do it as Churchill I'll of Joe Rogan when I'm in the room? I'll do it as Churchill. I'll do Joe Rogan as Churchill. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:39:07 Oh no, no. He fans out on him. Yeah, he fans out on him. Whatever you all do a little bit. For real? Yeah, he loves him. But then Norman, when me, on Sober October, I just get to tag. I just get to throw in jokes.

Starting point is 00:39:22 It's fun. Make fun of your fat feet. Make, you know, whatever. And then that's what Norman's job is. He just tag, tag, tag. Tag, tag to tag. I just get to throw in jokes, it's fun, make fun of your fat feet, make, you know, whatever. And then like, that's what Norman's job is. He just tag, tag, tag. Tag, tag, tag. And who's me again? I'm you and then I slow it down

Starting point is 00:39:33 and then they're like, unwanted advice comes my way. Oh. Yeah. You get the, oh, we can fix Ari? Yeah, and I'm like, what? I'm great, I'm fine. Same as you, we're like, I'm not looking to quit drinking. I'm having a really good time. You're gonna have withdrawals. You're like, I'm like what? I'm great. I'm fine. Same as you. We're like I'm not looking to quit drinking. I'm having a really good time. You're gonna have withdrawals. I'm not even gonna quit. What are you talking about?

Starting point is 00:39:50 You're like I want to take a day off and everyone's like let's get you to the hospital. So do you think we'll ever do Sober October again? We should. I got a new special out. That'd be a good excuse to come do one. Yeah, but can I be Joe? You can be Joe. Let's make him not sit in that seat. Okay. Oh you want to sit in the seat? I want to be Joe. How do you get to be Joe you can be Joe let's make him not sit in that seat, okay? Are you want to sit in the seat? I want to be Joe. It's how do you get to be Joe though? Yeah, how do you bet? How are you gonna? Joe what Joe does that you don't have the capacity to do is not make it all about himself hold on fuck off You know hold on there's a clip. No hold on. That's a couple you There's a gotta be a clip out there if you're not interrupting no

Starting point is 00:40:24 I'm having a fucking conversation. Yeah, okay. That's how conversations fucking work. Agreed, yeah. And sometimes I'll say, if you said, da da da da da, and then I go, God, that's crazy, I would never be able to do that. And then, because Joe's done that, he goes,

Starting point is 00:40:38 don't make it about you. I go, but that's how life works. I think of things and I go, that's amazing, I could never run 25 miles. Yeah. You know, like I can never run 50 miles. But I, okay, I'll be Joe. I won't make anything about myself.

Starting point is 00:40:50 We'll put Joe in my seat. No. I don't think we sit in the same seats there, do we? I'm not sure. We always sit in the same seat when we do it. I'm going to a different seat next time. I'm gonna put on a costume. I'm gonna go in a different seat.

Starting point is 00:41:02 And I'm gonna put in earplugs so I don't interrupt anybody. Earplugs. I don't think I can't hear anybody. Yeah, that won't do it. I'll just go, it starts now! Maybe a muzzle. You guys gotta have a fucking ball gag here. Yeah, we do.

Starting point is 00:41:13 It'll be cool, that'd be really fun for me. I want you to get friends that are around that. How would you run the show? How would it be different? What would you do? Yeah. You would just be like, welcome to the Burt Experience? Yeah, welcome to the bird experience the bird experience I'm here my three favorite people. That's pretty good and I start and I go obviously Joe Rogan

Starting point is 00:41:32 He's like a big brother to me. I can't wait to get some great life advice from him I got Tom Segura here one of my best friends in the world and obviously a guy I can't live without Ari Shafir guys. Welcome to the podcast. Hey, would anyone like a joint? Wow, that was a good start. You got it, you're crushing it. You're doing great. And then I'll go, I'm so sorry, I wasn't listening. You say that one more time. I do that a lot.

Starting point is 00:41:52 Okay, and then what's the first conversation story? I'm sorry I wasn't listening. Say that one more time. You should just be listening. I'll just be like, I was listening, and I think that's a great point. I will be like, I'll be definitely, I'm gonna be Joe-centric. Have you guys ever? I'll be definitely, I'm gonna be Joe centric.

Starting point is 00:42:06 I want Joe to be the star of the show. Great. Yeah, because it's my show, I want him to really shine. First, okay, watch this. I talk about bow hunting right away, and I wouldn't once tell him how good I am. Just us. I know you guys will have to bring it up.

Starting point is 00:42:24 All right. Okay, we'll help you. Hey man, have you seen Bert shoot a bow and arrow? Tom, keep it on Joe. Oh, sorry, sorry. No, we gotta be more, we gotta be like, we gotta be like, oh, this, does this look like a bow to you guys? Just something I was thinking about.

Starting point is 00:42:37 Does anyone at this table know anything about archery? Yeah. Just like that, kind of lob it up? It's Christmas, did you guys hide bows on your presents? Speaking of bows. Oh, what? You ever up. It's it's it's Christmas. Did you guys hide bows on your presents speaking of bows? Oh what you're shot a bow and arrow. That's crazy. Yeah, it is crazy. I have a target set up in my backyard I got a compound bow from campaign's yeah, I'm fucking obsessed with it And I really want to go bow hunting now except for carrying the meat out is the what the part that I just just leave it

Starting point is 00:43:04 How much do you how much of your life has lived to get Joe Rogan to say I'm finally proud of you it's a higher percent as any wants to say I'm gonna get so fucking real. Oh boy, tears are here. No, no, no, I don't cry anymore. Oh, I definitely wouldn't cry when I did. There is a part of me that I'm uncomfortable with how much that accurate that statement is.

Starting point is 00:43:37 I look up to him so much like as a big brother, because I never had a big brother, and like his advice he gave me in standup when I was at my lowest was so pivotalivotal in getting me to where I am today that like When I catch good clips that he says like nice things about me. It makes me happier than it should make me Yeah, it's like when a black guy says good job or like nice shoes four to one when black guys like dude I like your shoes. No true. There's a I think there's a scale of black compliments Yeah, it's like there's there's a black eye complimenting your outfit overall

Starting point is 00:44:08 That's fresh son is like oh, oh and if you specify your kicks, that's a pretty Like and then if you like your stand-up, but I was saying if I got tells you you're funny It's just it's way higher. I was just Mike Cannon We were doing a casino gig and we were just bolting through the halls to get to get something to eat. We're like, oh thanks, thanks, trying to get just a week. And then we're just not stopping at all.

Starting point is 00:44:33 And then it's one block. It was like, hey man, I was at your show. We're like, hey thanks man, I really appreciate it. That's really cool of you. It's four to one minimum. So there's that one. Then there's, oh, complimenting your athleticism. That's I've never gotten. Oh my God. That is a, that's really high on the scale. Like

Starting point is 00:44:52 if they just go, man, Oh, you got ups or something like casual. You're like crazy. Like pickup game and something like, yeah, that's, and then I guess the, then talking about your, like saying you have a nice dick that one's really high And then the only thing better is if they suck it that's the fucking best it's so strong so I had the best Getting recognized I've ever had in my life and I I Peter's in the other room what I'm saying is 100% true Yeah, so we're in Vegas Isla brings her boyfriend to Vegas. He's never had In-N-Out. So Sunday morning, everyone's leaving at like noon. I raced In-N-Out at 10 in the morning to go get In-N-Out for everyone in our party.

Starting point is 00:45:32 My parents, everyone. As we pull up in the Uber, we tell the guy to wait for us and there is a black man and a black woman. They're dressed and it looks like they work together. They look like they worked at In-N-Out. We thought they were the greeters. But they're screaming at the top of their lung get the fuck out of here What the fuck I said a bitch I'm on your team. I fucking smack you. I mean the most I swear to God

Starting point is 00:45:52 I'm not understanding this if Peter walked in right now He would nod and they were doing that in and out outside the in and out at the front door So that's McDonald's to have to get into in and out you have to walk Legit through this argument. And as we walk through the argument, he said, motherfucker, woman, God damn it, Bert Kreischer, holy shit, you funny as fuck. Gap me up, and he goes, I was like, yeah, thanks,

Starting point is 00:46:15 and he's like, I walked in, he goes, I said, bitch! It was the fucking funniest interaction I've ever had in my fucking life. It's high up there. Yeah. Recognition is. Yeah. A Joe Rogan compliment is better than a regular compliment.

Starting point is 00:46:32 If it's about like stand up or I'm sure bow hunting. No, stand up or like, stand up is a big one. Business stuff, like if you ever says like, dude you're like, I can't remember him complimenting Tommy to me one time. And he was like, dude, I can't remember him complimenting Tommy to me one time. And he was like, dude, can you believe what Tom's doing? And I was just-

Starting point is 00:46:49 The weight loss, you mean? No. No. No. Because you knew you couldn't believe that. No, I couldn't, no. But I was like, oh, I should tell Tommy this. This is a really sweet compliment

Starting point is 00:47:00 that he gave to Tommy through me. He was like, dude, he's just killing it. At the same time, he was like, we were at the back at the store, and he was like, dude, he's just killing it. That was the same time he was like, we were at the back at the store and he was like, you need to get a Netflix special. And I was like, I don't know how to do that. He's like, be undeniable. And I was like, what does that mean?

Starting point is 00:47:14 He's like, just be undeniable. I just was like. That's Schulz's new podcast. I don't know, it just sounds like something a bit sick. I wrote it in my joke book and I was like, just be undeniable. And then you start, when you see, when you're undeniable on stage and you just crush all the time and people don't want to follow you then you're like, oh

Starting point is 00:47:29 That's what that is. But yeah, I thought the one compliment that took a long time to get from Joe was the marathon Congrats for doing it. Thank you. All right Yeah, cuz I told you I was rubbing it in I was trolling him Yeah, we're in a car with who's the guy and a shitty feet Yeah, cam Haynes and I was like so I think Joe was in the middle cameras in the front and I was like Oh cuz I know he was a kid. I was like hey cam What do you think about Burt's marathon and he goes dude, that's great. That's like a legit hard thing to do. That's so good I

Starting point is 00:48:04 Texted Joe the other day because I'm in Austin and I'm having to work out bench for this bet I have And so I texted him and I was like, hey, can you hook me up it on it? So the John was the bet that I convinced 315 by January 1st. What are you? I did 295 twice today. Damn. Yeah, clean, like clean, just by myself. And so did two seven. Is it hard for you to bench without a buffet on it? Sorry, we're playing. I'm really sorry, go ahead with your side.

Starting point is 00:48:38 I texted Joe and I was like, I was like, hey, can you help me get in it on it? Maybe reach out to Aubrey, I need a bench. And then like an idiot, I go, I'm gonna bench press bet for 315. And as I hit send, I was like, I didn't need to include that second part. Because I know Joe in his head is like,

Starting point is 00:48:55 the fuck are you doing? The fuck are you doing? A bench press bet? You're gonna hurt yourself, I can hear him. You're gonna hurt yourself, yeah. What'd he say? He went, sure. He said, Aubrey hit me up, and then I worked out it on it today. It's fucking

Starting point is 00:49:08 It's I mean on it is Beautiful. I mean there are so many beautiful people there everyone and no and like you'd think they'd be all Influency and videotaping themselves. They're not it's like just fucking people really working out. They're super fit. Yes Yeah, dude a guy, a guy was doing deadlifts, but he was doing them with the bar in his arm like this, and he'd reach all the way down. I mean, he'd bend all the way down, so the bar's here in his bicep,

Starting point is 00:49:36 and it would touch the ground. He'd bend over all the way. I've never seen anyone do something like this. I was like, what the fuck? I love a rocky workout, you know? Rocky and Russia. Not a squat, not a front squat? No bent it was a dead lift it was a dead lift where his body bent like this Tom all the way down and it the bar the weights

Starting point is 00:49:57 touch the ground and he took it all the way up it is in his no it was a dead lift dead lift it was fucking crazy what's a dead lift like like this no when you bend over and pick it up stand up and then get over and pick it up yeah hmm I've never seen someone no no no no no no no he's doing it nobody to a top top right he was going like this he was going like this but isn't that that image right all back all back Oh down and he could touch the ground and come all the way up all back. That's the what was that a bad angle All back it was crazy that seems nuts to do that. Yeah, it's very crazy yeah Yes, so do you see that guy's cock?

Starting point is 00:50:46 Oh yeah, let's see. The shooter? So wait, okay, are you pro murdering CEOs? I mean, I like mayhem. So, yeah, not specifically that. Yeah, you're one of the first people that I thought of. Yeah, I was like, Ari's into this. I was pissed about it because it shows this video and it shows graphic content and then the guy passes,

Starting point is 00:51:03 he pulls the gun and then the video stops. It stops, yeah. Where's the fucking graphic content? You can watch it. You can't use the word graphic content and then the guy passes, he pulls the gun, and then the video stops. Where's the fucking graphic content? You can watch it. You can't use the word graphic content willy nilly like that. I know. I don't think I've ever thought if I was to assassinate someone,

Starting point is 00:51:14 I think I'd want them to see me. Well, if you don't wanna get caught. That guy didn't wanna get caught. Also, he didn't know the camera was there, right? No. Well, he was all covered up. Yeah, he was covered up. But no, if you kill someone

Starting point is 00:51:25 don't you want to do it right in their face? I don't want to do it behind them. Well the guy did turn around and definitely saw him but he saw a masked guy. What after he fell? When you see the footage yeah he turns and goes. Oh who is this? Yeah it bums me out that it bums me out that the internet loves that this guy got murdered. Yeah they don't know anything about him. They just go, yeah, good. And you're like, he's got kids. I mean, I don't know if he has kids. He does. He has kids.

Starting point is 00:51:49 He has kids. He also came from a real working class background and, you know, became a CEO. But the internet loves this. Why did he kill him? Because he basically thinks that, well, using the guy as a symbol for healthcare in America and like how callous and careless and I have that. Yeah. It's been annoying going to three different doctors and go, no, no, you're on a specific plan that you're going to cover this. But I called before like, yeah, but now we see your car. Yeah. But a lot of it too was about like how so many people are put in like your

Starting point is 00:52:22 claims denied. Oh yeah. And they need life-saving sometimes care. I was talking to Bobby Kelly about Havana where he was like, well say whatever you want, but American health care is the best in the world. And I was like, what are you talking about? We're capable. Like, so people who have free health care, a lot of times if they're of means, you know, they, a lot of times they don't talk about like in like in Canada, parts of Europe where they go, it's on the house here, like there's still year plus long waits for certain procedures.

Starting point is 00:52:49 So people of means there will fly over, but these people are writing checks, they're people who can afford to go like, I wanna go to the Mayo Clinic, here you go. So they're not going through insurance in that position. You know what I mean? Okay, can I ask a crazy question you cannot answer it if you want.

Starting point is 00:53:06 So, but I don't know how private you wanna be about this. But when push got cancer, do you have to do like the, do you just go, like how does that work? Do you have to like wait and stuff? I'll answer this one. So what she did was. Or can you pay extra money and go, we need this taken care of today by the best guy.

Starting point is 00:53:25 Can you do that? Well I don't know I mean we we have insurance and it was just a matter of like being diagnosed and you know we want to see this doctor. Our plan allowed us to see this doctor and then the appointment was like within days. It was this is a very ignorant question. If you have more money I guess you have better health care Do we all have the same health care? You can get private stuff done. Yeah, I mean We have it through a large insurance company Yeah, I think we do too. Yeah, like mental health anything they offer you is is pretty shitty and the really good ones They're like I don't take insurance

Starting point is 00:54:01 You're gonna have to pay for that or get your dog to pay for it for you. Oh really? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I mean, it could've, I mean, the benefit we have obviously is like, if somebody had been like, we're not gonna do this, I could've come out of pocket for it. But a lot of people aren't in that position, you know? I just had the same kidney infection

Starting point is 00:54:18 for fucking three times now for the past three fucking weeks. And it's been a pain in the ass, but it's doctors going like, eh, whatever. Like they're not taking it serious. And then the doctor we saw today was like, this is bullshit, she needs to be on intravenous whatever antibiotics. It was the biggest mind fuck to me

Starting point is 00:54:38 is to realize not every doctor's good. Yeah, that's the whole idea. Because you grow up trusting all of them, politicians too, like they're doing it and they're just better and worse. Doctors, we put them in a special platform. Yeah, that's because you grew up trusting all of them all doctors do like they're doing it and they're just better and worse doctors We put them in a special platform. We're just like all doctors are inherently wonderful people Hey, if you're in med school right now and you're listening to this podcast

Starting point is 00:54:53 You need to drop out you should not be listening to our podcast if you're in med school You need to drop the fuck out and travel through South America Get the fuck out of med school if you're listening what other occupations should not be listening to this podcast? Priest? If you're a priest. Yeah, yeah, religious leader of any kind. Just come out of the closet, dude. It's not worth it. Don't be on here.

Starting point is 00:55:12 It's not good for priests. What's an inherently good or seemingly inherently good track to take in your professional life besides medicine. Medicine is like the ultimate. Lawyer, medicine, that's what our people. We accept that a lawyer can be a piece of shit. We almost expect them to be. Doctors are never crooked. Lawyers are always crooked. Yeah. Dentists too. Fucking dentists and car, fucking people that fix cars, I always think are crooked. I found this out with dentists. They're like, hey, your church barely ever covers it.

Starting point is 00:55:45 Half the tops. And it's as much. You could offer them less. You'd be like, I don't have that. Can I give you like 300? And they're like, yeah, all right. It's just going to them. If they're like, I'm not full tomorrow.

Starting point is 00:55:54 Anyway, sure, it's a free 300. If you're like, I actually can't afford 1,000. I learned that with veterinary care. If you have a sick animal, like whatever it was like 12 years ago. That dog calls me? It's like a possible, you know? Yeah, we were like this dog,

Starting point is 00:56:14 we had him for like a week and he had this horrible like life threat and they put him in the thing, they're like it's $1,000 a day. And so we did it for a couple days and I was like, hey, I can't just keep doing a thousand dollars a day. And they're like, well, what can you do was like, Hey, I can't just keep doing $1,000 a day. And they're like, What can you do? I was like, I don't know, a couple hundred. And they're like, Okay. You're like, it just shifted to that. Was

Starting point is 00:56:31 that always? Yeah, they were just like, Yeah, fine. Can I get that other thousand? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. And then they kept them there on $200 a day. Wow, dude, we had a fucking hack, a hack a fucking hack, a hack fucking dude, like surgeries on Priscilla. Priscilla had five knee surgeries. Jesus. And on like one of them, they went in and they're like,

Starting point is 00:56:54 oh, he left all this in there, like all the wires. No wonder she couldn't walk. And we were like, what the? And you just think, cause they sound confident, they know what the fuck they're doing. If you tell like Eastern European people that you have surgery for your dog, they just laugh, they know what the fuck they're doing. If you tell like Eastern European people that you have surgery for your dog, they just laugh, you know that?

Starting point is 00:57:08 We were at a party one time, was talking about it, and he was like, this guy was like, you do what for your dog? And we're like, yeah, this is surgery, like surgery. Like, no. No, you just put the dog outside, you shoot it in the head. Dude, I was in Columbia Spanish school,

Starting point is 00:57:23 and we were like talking about peros and whatever. Somebody was like, so where are your dogs? This Venezuelan refugee who's teaching us Spanish in Columbia. Everyone's like, mine's with my sister. I was like, okay, hermana or whatever. One of the guys, mine's at a doggy resort, doggy hotel. Then the lady's like, no, I think you're using the wrong word. And we're all like, no.

Starting point is 00:57:51 She's like, what do you mean by that? Because it's like a resort for dogs, like a lot of acreage. And she's just like, my father was killed. Yeah. You have a resort for your dog. They can't even conceive of it. All right, I guess I'm teaching this class. Tip better be good.

Starting point is 00:58:11 Oh my God. You ever gas up an Uber driver? What do you mean? Just be like, yeah, man, fucking women drivers. And he's like, no, buddy, you have no fucking idea. And then my wife's in the car, and I'm just getting this guy worked up. I had a guy get so worked up, an Uber driver, about JFK assassination. And I didn't even ask for it. I didn't even ask for it.

Starting point is 00:58:33 That's great. I was just like, I think I was in Nebraska and he's like, where are you from? And I was like, Austin. He was like, I was just in Dallas. Let me tell you something, man. There's zero fucking doubt. There's zero fucking doubt. CIA.

Starting point is 00:58:44 And I was like, you know what? I actually don't need to go that far. If you could just pull over. He gave me like all that. I was like, yeah, he goes, here's this guy's number. If you wanna go get on the tour, it gives me the guy's number. I was like, cool.

Starting point is 00:58:57 He laid out everybody involved. And I was like, he just did this, huh? He was like, yeah. He was like 70. Wow, it's tough to argue with him. It's like they're set. Cool, man. I had one of those way back from Dixie Chicks We got one of those like cabs. It was just like somebody has like four cars, you know, yeah, and so she's a minivan He's cool. He was like you guys had fun tonight

Starting point is 00:59:15 He's like you if you want to stop at 7-eleven get beers you can drink them Like oh this guy rules. Yeah the back drive. It's an hour drive 20 minutes in he goes. So where do you guys get your news from? And he just started talking. What do you think about this guy? What do you think about this guy? They're all liberals in the back with me. So they're like, No, I'm a fan of whatever. He goes, Oh, boy, I bet you and then he goes, he goes, I'm like, where do you get your news from? He goes, Google alternative

Starting point is 00:59:43 news.com. And I'm like, where do you get your news from? He goes, googlealternativenews.com. And I'm like, wait, Google, what, alternative news? He goes, no, googlealternativenews.com. That's the site, I guess. It's called Google Alternative News. And then he goes, you know Michelle Obama's a man, and I was like, I've heard that, whatever, I'm just agreeing with him. I only stopped when he got to Madonna's a man.

Starting point is 01:00:05 And I was like, fuck off, dude. That's a sex symbol. No way. The, oh, here it is. This is it. It's so good. Look how it's built. Like we're learning HTML.

Starting point is 01:00:16 National news, news target, science, medicine. Oh, let's see some science from alternativenews.com. Can you make that bigger? Measles being spread by vaccinated in all caps. Children research confirmed total corruption. Government regulators relied on industry funded herbicide studies to declare glyphosate safe, weaker in space, long duration space like linked to smaller spinal muscles and astronauts. Acupuncture found as effective as nicotine replacement therapy for helping people quit

Starting point is 01:00:48 smoking. Okay. Natural five ways apple cider vinegar can help give you healthy hair. How about stupid cops? We're about to get way into apple cider vinegar. Dude, it gives me. Stupid cops? What is that one?

Starting point is 01:00:59 French police officers play gun drawing game on each other. Female officers shot dead by her partner who apparently had the faster draw apparently Wait they were going like this everyone like they're going let's see who draws faster. They guys just shot it off I forgot I wasn't supposed to shoot What they don't even get guns they've never really held one oh Yeah, sign up for their old story I held one. Oh yeah, sign up for that. Who's that old story?

Starting point is 01:01:26 They're telling this story fucking five years later? They're searching. AlternativeNews.com is not what it used to be. It's really not. That fucking, by the way, that Michelle man thing, the level of disrespect involved in that story. Can you imagine that you're her? She's like, come on, man.

Starting point is 01:01:44 Just like, I was just married to the guy you don't like. I didn't do anything. I'm just a fucking first lady and they're like, you got a dick. It's like, it's fucking, no dude, it's so disrespectful. And they're like, look, she's bigger than Ellen. You can see her just stretched out on Photoshop. See, my problem is I do that with all news.

Starting point is 01:02:01 Like I think of all news and I go, sure, whatever. Like they're saying Jay-Z allegedly is with P. Diddy on some sexual assault of a 13-year-old, allegedly. But I just go, I look at all that and I go, that can't be real, that can't be real. Nothing can be real like that. Nothing can be real. When LeBron took a day off, the personal reasons,

Starting point is 01:02:20 and they're like, it's a Diddy thing, why has he gone to a non-extraditable country? And then he's back the next day. He goes, no, it was my foot. I'm like, no, I didn't see that. So is Diddy going to jail? He's in jail. He's in jail?

Starting point is 01:02:31 He got denied his second bail and that's when it set in, he's not coming out. He's not coming out. He's at Rikers, dude. Are you serious? Yeah. Okay, I really haven't been following the Diddy stuff. Where has his music been lately, though?

Starting point is 01:02:40 I mean, Bad Boys for Life, how about Bad Boys for a short amount of time? I know, man. I want to hear some of those beats again. Sweet. What happens to all his money? Ooh, frozen assets. They freeze them right now. And they also he offered about $50 million bail. And they were like, no, why? Because you're gone? He would disappear?

Starting point is 01:03:06 Because he's too much of a flight risk, yeah. But to offer up, he offered up, I think, his Bel Air house, or Beverly Hills house, and my favorite is that he was like, and my mom's house. So he was like, fuck her. That's how they're like, well, he wouldn't do it. He wouldn't skip out on his mom. Yeah, so.

Starting point is 01:03:22 Jesus. They were like, no. Which just shows you that like, someone's a flight risk, but also, you probably have some pretty damning evidence to deny that person. I think this is gonna put Weinstein and Cosby as like a footnote.

Starting point is 01:03:37 Yeah. Hang on, do you think. And it just goes to, what? Do you think, because I remember when the Hollywood Me Too was going on. I was like, yo, if this goes to hip hop, fucking houses are gonna fall. Because there's, I mean, the stories you've heard of trains being run.

Starting point is 01:03:54 Trains being run. And I mean, I've always thought. Trains are all right. I always thought trains could never be consensual. I was like, trains? Yeah. Like, what chicks, like, my dream is five dudes all fucking me and Laughing about me as a high five. I remember when the basketball team at my college did that. Yeah. Yeah for real

Starting point is 01:04:13 Yeah, we have one of those two some girls and they videotaped she was jerking off two guys one was fucking her and she was Yelling go Terps go Terps She transferred Well, it kind of ruins your name on campus a little bit. But like, do you think the, because you see Diddy and right now you go, if the, I mean like they say, allegedly Ashton Kutcher is involved, allegedly Bieber's involved. A lot of celebrities. Allegedly everyone.

Starting point is 01:04:39 Everyone's involved. There's videos of Rosie O'Donnell like decade ago, like interviewing people and just going like, making like offhanded jokes about it. Did he party? 20 to life, like he's going, like just like, they all kind of knew the way we were with like Harvey Weinstein, we were like, we sort of heard, but I- Also like, he had the wherewithal to back like,

Starting point is 01:05:00 10 plus years ago, being like, no phones. Like, before that became like a thing who did he yeah So people would go to these like yacht parties and Hampton parties and they you have to turn your phone in like it. Yeah I Guess it's not perfect. Yeah Yeah, I always think like I always think the best in the best-case scenarios Looks like I always go and this has got to be something even with Cosby like even with Jared from Subway your buddy I always think I Was like there's no way I was going, this has got to be something. Even with Cosby, even with Jared from Subway, your buddy,

Starting point is 01:05:25 I always think, I was like, there's no way. There's no way. Yeah, there's no way. You can't even wrap your head around a real evil. Like, no way. Like, really evil people. And you want to be like, he's just like, I don't know. I had pizza with him.

Starting point is 01:05:40 You did? I thought that's the worst thing he's done. I thought he wasn't a pizza guy. I know, man. I remember. What a betrayal. Brady lied't a pizza guy. I know man. I remember. What a betrayal. He lied about that too. What a betrayal.

Starting point is 01:05:47 I thought he only ate subs. I remember, here's what I remember about Jared. When we got to the set on the first thing, it was June in Jersey as we were shooting the first commercial. It was fucking humid, super hot. And they had like a shitty trailer for me. Because even though I was starring in them with him,

Starting point is 01:06:08 I was the new hire. So it was like, you know, just weak AC. It was like fucking 100 degrees. And he had a fucking like tour bus. You know, like it's decked out. And he's like, hey, if you want, could I see, just you can go in my bus. And I was like, Oh, thanks, man. So he went there. I go in there. Just fucking pictures of kids.

Starting point is 01:06:30 Every shut up. So I hang out in his thing. What are you casting? And, and then we shot for the we shot for the day. And then we go back to the city. And he was we're at the day, and then we go back to the city, and we were at the W Hotel, there's like four W Hotels, I remember that, in New York. We're at one of them and he's like, hey, you wanna, he goes, you wanna split a pizza? I was like, all right.

Starting point is 01:06:59 And he's like, yeah man, they keep telling me I'm gaining weight, because the whole thing was like, can't gain weight. He's like, you know fucking assholes anyways, we get pizza sure that'll help so had a couple slices of pizza and Yeah, you know, he's like a he's a terribly Uncharismatic guy if you remember like he's actually bad as an actor on on film

Starting point is 01:07:22 Like there's nothing like it's kind of showing him holding the old pants. That's all you ever get. Yeah, and I'm saying when he had to deliver lines, he was always like, you know, like just kind of. He's a nerd. Right, like if he was an actor, he would never get a job as an actor. Okay, let's play this game.

Starting point is 01:07:39 Who's the most evil person you've ever met? You're up there. You're up there. No, no, I'm joking. Oh yeah, it might be me. Yeah, it's me, you're right, you're right, it's me. Who's the most evil person? Interesting, that's a good question. Well, he's gotta be at the-

Starting point is 01:07:54 He's gotta be number one. I've never met, I'm trying to think I've never met- Which I would never, there's a thing, you never, I would never walk away from that meet engagement with him thinking, what an evil guy, right? It's that it's a hidden thing I grew up with a serial killer That's pretty evil. Yeah

Starting point is 01:08:11 I'm I need I can't say his name. Why I don't know cuz I don't because he killed people and his family still lives around The corner for my family. That's fine. He's in prison for it, right just edit it out He killed he killed hookers on the causeway Really? In Tampa? In Tampa, yeah. Tampa. He'd go, I think you're probably spelling it, I don't know how to spell it, we were

Starting point is 01:08:32 kids. I don't know. What's so funny is- How many did you get? Hookers, huh? Yeah, my sister called me, she was like, yo, dot, dot, dot, got caught killing hookers on the causeway. When we were kids one time, everyone was like, yeah, what do you guys want to do?

Starting point is 01:08:44 What do you want to do? edit names out only because these people still live in that neighborhood but like he's like you guys want to go into the house and cut the crotches out of our underwear and i was like what he's like my parents are watching our house i got keys to cut the crotches out of their underwear and i was like no i was like what why and that's what he wanted he should have let him maybe wouldn't kill so many hookers i don't know yeah that's what he wanted. He should have let him maybe wouldn't kill so many hookers. I don't know Yeah, that's pretty evil. Yeah, how many do you get? Oh, no, this is I mean if you're gonna kill That's who you want to get that is because they're not gonna put their resources really into it and nobody misses them right away. No, I Bet I bet hookers have great like radar senses of when shit's going south though. You only fuck up once.

Starting point is 01:09:25 Like you could kill, I think killing a regular woman would be so much easier than killing a prostitute. Oh right, because they know when something's. Yeah, a hooker's gonna be like. They don't fight back. A hooker's gonna be like, no, no, no. They got boundaries. Yeah, a regular woman will do,

Starting point is 01:09:38 like you know that guy who got killed in St. Piper Ryan with the guys on top of the knife, he goes, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, oh, that's my fucking, that's the wildest. That's all housewives gonna do. That's the wildest, just he's no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, oh, that's my fucking, that's the wildest, that's the wildest, that's the wildest, that's the wildest, that's the wildest, that's the wildest, that's the wildest, that's the wildest, that's the wildest,

Starting point is 01:09:48 that's the wildest, that's the wildest, that's the wildest, that's the wildest, that's the wildest, that's the wildest, that's the wildest, that's the wildest, that's the wildest, that's the wildest, that's the wildest, that's the wildest, that's the wildest, that's the wildest, that's the wildest, that's the wildest,

Starting point is 01:09:54 that's the wildest, that's the wildest, that's the wildest, that's the wildest, that's the wildest, that's the wildest, that's the wildest, that's the wildest, that's the wildest, that's the wildest, that's the wildest, that's the wildest, that's the wildest, that's the wildest, that's the wildest, that's the wildest,

Starting point is 01:10:01 that's the wildest, that's the wildest, that's the wildest, that's the wildest, that's the wildest, that's the wildest, that's the wildest, that's the wildest, that's the wildest, that's the wildest, that's the wildest, that's the wildest, that's the wildest, that's the wildest, that's the wildest, that's the wildest, that to the bottom of that list. No, I mean, I'm not even trying. Yeah. I'm not even trying. Okay. I mean, I'm like, we're just thinking about this. My first daughter is Asian or Indian. Oh, not Indian.

Starting point is 01:10:10 Why not Indian? I just, I don't know. I just, I didn't even register to me. You're not going to consider them? Nope. You won't even put them on the maybes. No. Yeah, but that actually sounds racist.

Starting point is 01:10:22 Yeah, why not? No, no, no. I'm not killing them. That's actually a positive thing But wait, why can't they get their consideration to be killed? Okay. Well, I just I don't know I'm actually really attracted to Indian women. Okay, well, it's so like that I wouldn't want to kill them because I find them attractive but a gross one Like who mid one like who is on a garg? Yeah, she's comedic when you, would you kill somebody like that,

Starting point is 01:10:47 if you were gonna kill a woman, let's just say you're living out your fantasy. You're gonna kill a woman. Oh, there's Zarnagargh, you wouldn't kill someone who looked like that? Oh boy. No, I wouldn't kill Zarnagargh. I still think they're fucking hot as shit.

Starting point is 01:10:58 Okay, keep going, okay. Okay, here's your fantasy, it's to kill a woman. Do you want to see life leave her eyes? Or do you want her to be asleep and just like you hit her in the head with a hammer or something? Do you want to be touching them while they like you want to see it? You want to go? I start to obviously this is all hypothetical. I Would I would I would probably edge it a little bit let him back That's that's pretty evil and then you're one step from a dungeon I'm gonna kill one person. I want to kill them a couple times. That's what evil. And then you're one step from a dungeon, buddy.

Starting point is 01:11:25 If I'm gonna kill one person, I wanna kill them a couple times. That's what that guy did. Cleveland? No, Rodney Alcala. He would do, like choke them out, and then right before they died, he would let go and have them like come back and then do it again.

Starting point is 01:11:41 Do you know which one, do you ever hear the one? Yeah, it's pretty. Do you ever hear the one who's- Way to get all the meat out of the buffalo though. I know, right? Do you ever hear the one, who's the one with the scuba suit and they thought the girl was lying,

Starting point is 01:11:52 she took her to the fucking cabin and he furs on Netflix. Oh yeah, the American Nightmare. Yeah, but you know what he did a couple times? Is he got in, he almost killed them, and then he stopped and said, I don't wanna do this, I'm really sorry, you need to get a dog and then leave. you need to get a dog to bark if someone comes

Starting point is 01:12:09 Is that not fucking insane that that committee that comedian that that cop that was women And I think it was either Baton Rouge or Lafayette. Maybe Lafayette. Yeah, he would tell women He's like you really like he when he was done when he was done He'd be like, you know, this window is not secure And you should really like have locks and you really should get like a better security system for your house Like as advice on the way and they're like cool. Thanks. Yeah, one of the guys worked for ADT one of the BTK. Yeah the BTK killer you work for ADT Yeah, he was set up your alarm system and he was would scope out to, he was like, oh, I'll be back here next week.

Starting point is 01:12:46 It was a good one. It's gotta be so freeing to be a murderer. So it's like, you don't get angry in traffic. Like if someone cuts you off, you're like, just gonna kill them. I'm gonna follow them home and murder them. And be like, I'll get you later. And then if you forget, you go, heck, I got off.

Starting point is 01:12:59 Yeah, but knowing you could is kinda like doing it. Right. Yeah. It's like some confrontation where someone's like, fuck you man, and you're just like, well, you don't know how this could go. Yeah. Like we were in Vegas and we sat down in like a couch and with the girls, near the bar but on a couch,

Starting point is 01:13:20 and I ordered a drink and the lady said, are they 21? And I said no, she goes, you gotta move to that couch. It was five feet over. Well, what? She goes, I can't let you sit here. And I was like, what's the difference? Can they just sit in that couch?

Starting point is 01:13:32 And they're like, no, you have to go with them. You're a parent. And I was like, see, I gotta get up and walk five feet for some arbitrary rule in some magic line that I can't see, you can't see, no cops gonna see. She was like, sir. Wait, and you wanted to kill her? Did I tell you about it? Wait, you wanted to kill this lady?

Starting point is 01:13:49 Hold on, I got a better one, I got a better one. I want that one. Hold on, I got this better one. Wait, I really gotta come back to that one. Tell me, did I tell you about, did I tell you about the lady that wouldn't serve me at the airport? No. This is when you're thinking of serial killers right now.

Starting point is 01:14:06 This is when I'm like, this is. You could just take care of it. When you're a serial killer, you don't get upset because you just go, I'll be back. Yeah. Right? What's your shift end? I get off, yeah, I get off. Boy, I'm so fucking angry.

Starting point is 01:14:18 And this goes back to Brianna Chicken Fried. I don't. Say her name. Say her name, say her name. No. Okay. I get off the plane in Nashville. I get a celebratory beer because I made't. Say her name. Say her name. Say her name. No. Okay. I get off the plane in Nashville. I get a celebratory beer because I made it.

Starting point is 01:14:29 I'm alive. Wait, you do a beer when you land? Let's not nitpick this story. Yes. Wait. When I land, I get a beer off the plane. At the terminal. Yes, and I'll walk you through why this is the greatest

Starting point is 01:14:39 thing you'll ever think. This is a life hack. I have not. I usually get going. Yeah, well you like to sit and wait for your bag? Because I don't. I like to have a beer and let my like to sit and wait for your bag? Cause I don't. I like to have a beer and let my bag come down and walk down when the sky caps like,

Starting point is 01:14:48 I'm putting this up and I go, hey man, that's mine. And he goes, oh, where were you? I go, taking my time. I'm, I live my life. I drive, I drive my ship through the sea and I pick what wave I want to crash through. Now that's Winston Churchill.

Starting point is 01:14:59 Fuck yeah. That's it, hey. I picked the waves. Full speed, damn the torpedoes. Full speed ahead. So I get off the plane, I go the waves full speed damn the torpedoes full speed ahead so I get off the plane I go to get a celebratory beer and Pete's with me and I said yeah, can we get a do Stella? She goes no and I went okay Well, um Pete's with me and pizza. I'm gonna grab go to the bathroom. Can you grab a beer? I know offer of what else they have I said she goes no and I said already hater

Starting point is 01:15:21 And so I said well, do you have any like any like Stella ask? She goes? Yeah, I said, she goes no and I said. I already hate her. And so I said, well, do you have any like Stella-esque? She goes, yeah. I said, great, I'll get two of those. She goes, I can only serve you one. And I said, well no, my buddy just went to the bathroom. I go, I just, nevermind, I'll just take one. And then she goes, okay. And then I go, you know, he's gonna be back in a second,

Starting point is 01:15:39 so you might wanna just start pouring two. He's the guy you just saw. And she goes, I can only serve you one. And I went, okay. And so she goes, I can only serve you one. And I went, okay. And so she goes, I need to see your ID. And I was like, I'm looking around. Now, what happens here, little outside part of the story, everyone at the bar recognizes me.

Starting point is 01:15:53 Every single person at that bar is a dude who drinks, who's probably heard me say never quit drinking, and they're all recognizing me, and they're coming over and getting pictures. Now part of me likes this interaction, because she knows whatever instance, whatever's happening is gonna be okay. I'm a normal person.

Starting point is 01:16:08 I give her my ID, she hands back my ID, and then she gives me a little sip of beer. Pete arrives at this moment. A little sip of beer, and I go, what's this? And she goes, this is what we have, this Stella. I said, oh no, it's fine, I'll just take two of those. And she goes, you know what? I'm not comfortable serving you. And I I went excuse me and now everyone stops because I'm not comfortable

Starting point is 01:16:30 Serving you you make me uncomfortable Now you can go to Briana chicken fry where you go out and you tell everyone the world or you can do the take The money and shut the fuck up. So what I did and I was not proud of this I'm not proud of this and I wish I didn't do it. I wish I could go back and change life. As I said, I apologize if I made you uncomfortable anyway. I have two daughters that are roughly your age. I would never want a man to make them feel uncomfortable. I'll go on my way.

Starting point is 01:16:55 And I tipped her 20 bucks. And she went, excuse me? I said, here's $20 for your trouble. I apologize, and I walked away. I was up at night screaming at the fucking pillow going you fucking, you fucking, because that's what I wanted to do. Sure, but you took the high road.

Starting point is 01:17:10 I took the high road, but the high road sucks dick. It sucks. It sucks. Now here's her night. She's talking to some guy, she attractive or not so much? Nah. Okay, she's talking to some guy or a friend,

Starting point is 01:17:20 she's how was work today, it was like, it was fine, but this guy came in, I've never played it as well. I just said, fuck off, how was work today? I was like, it was fine, but this guy came in, I've never played it as well. I just said, fuck off, I'm not giving you beer, and he just gave me 20 bucks. Do you know what she said? This was even better. This is even better.

Starting point is 01:17:35 Do you know, everyone at the bar watched this happen. Everyone at the bar was like, what the fuck? I walked away. This is what upset me the most, is that she was, and someone goes, do you know who you just did that to? And they go, who? And she goes, that's Bert Kreischer. Then she Googles me, and that she was, and someone goes, do you know who you just did that to? And they go, who? And she goes, that's Burt Kreischer. Then she Googles me and then she's got her own narrative

Starting point is 01:17:48 because she's a fuck. He was a total asshole to me. I was a total asshole. All the good stuff I did, none of that counts because she gets to tell her story. I was so angry. Do you think though that when the part where she goes, you make me uncomfortable,

Starting point is 01:17:59 it's probably when you were like, he's just went to the bathroom, he's gonna be right here. I didn't even say it like that, Tommy. I swear to God, my energy was like, what, like more confused, like, you did something. So was it that you got loud, you did something? I didn't get loud at all.

Starting point is 01:18:10 So she just. What was happening was dudes were recognizing me, and they were getting, and she was like, I think the energy changed in the bar when I showed up, and she couldn't fucking place it, didn't know who I was, but I, and I had two instances where that happened. I've had this, where I took the high road, and I said, I mean, and I had two instances where that happened. I've had this where I took the high road and I said, I mean, and I just didn't say what I wanted to fucking

Starting point is 01:18:29 say. Yeah. It'd be so nice to Patrice it and just be like, fuck you. Yeah. Get, get me your manager. You suck. Yeah. I didn't do shit. Anyone else work in that bar? No, no. And I know what gate it is. And I know that bar in Nashville and I can't wait to go back. They're not the thing is they know all these people are temporary customers. You're not going to be back. There's there's it and there's he's actually going back soon. Yeah, he really is.

Starting point is 01:18:55 New Year's Eve. I'll be there. I'm gonna stop and I'm taking the same fucking flight from LA and that same bar is going to be right there when I get home. I hope you're right back. I hope she says no. Still not comfortable. And you know what? I'm gonna tip her $100.

Starting point is 01:19:07 I'm gonna tip her $100 and I'm gonna start crying and I'm gonna make her uncomfortable. And I'm gonna say, you're the one that hit my mom. That's a good one. You're the drunk driver that killed my mother. Really embarrassed her at work. Yeah. That's not bad.

Starting point is 01:19:22 Oh my God. Get into it. You were grooming my nephew. You hit my mother and killed her. Oh my God, I'm gonna fucking ruin her life. You're the one! I just, it just feels so much. Like you recognize a Nazi from 80 years ago. You're like, get you! Liam, Liam! The whole village. We went to a, we went to a. You should do it. I can't get into this.

Starting point is 01:19:29 I went to a, I think I text you, I went to a liberal party one time. Like a real liberal, everyone's wearing masks outside and everything. And I got in trouble for putting my hand in the ice. Who yelled at you? Dude with a mask. It was like, don't touch me.

Starting point is 01:19:43 I'm like, I'm not gonna touch you. I'm not gonna touch you. I'm not gonna touch you. I'm not gonna touch you. I'm not gonna touch you. I'm not gonna touch you. I'm not gonna touch you. real liberal, everyone's wearing masks outside and everything. And I got in trouble for putting my hand in the ice. Who yelled at you? Dude with a mask. Was like, don't touch it. I was like, what are you doing? And I was like, I'm getting ice. And he was like, with your hand?

Starting point is 01:19:53 They make tongs for that. And I was like. Nothing to do with the mask, just a separate don't do that. And I was like, I'm not gonna go into someone's house and look for fucking tongs to get ice that we just slammed on the fucking ground to break it up. You're out of your fucking mind. Yeah, and He scolded you that's crazy. That's just you talk privately about a guy. Yeah to confront them is nuts

Starting point is 01:20:14 What are you doing? And I was like I'm getting I was like I was like really confused at serial killer Doesn't have to worry about that. Don't follow you Cuz I've really fucked up, you know what I'll make sure to bring tongs tonight. And then you wake them up just going. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. Hey, do you remember me? Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. I can't find your ice.

Starting point is 01:20:31 You can't get it because you're tied up, but I want your ice. Ha, ha, and then we didn't do it. This episode hit a lot of notes. It did a lot of notes. I love you guys. America's Sweetheart premieres January 14th on Netflix. One week, everybody set your calendars or whatever. That's right.

Starting point is 01:20:56 You can set it up right now. And you can see Ari Shaffir on tour. Do you think I could protect your parks if I wore sunglasses? No. But we could. this was fun. This reminded me of those, it's just fun. It's fun. It was just fun.

Starting point is 01:21:12 It was a good time. No smoking, no drinking. Thanks for coming, dude. Guys, thanks for having me. Hey, congratulations. Congratulations on the special. Thank you guys. It's awesome.

Starting point is 01:21:20 We'll see you guys next week. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes to the top, the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in the world that Bert and Tom can be together. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes to the top, the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in the world that Bert and Tom can be together. next week.

2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Growing Up With A Serial Killer w/ Ari Shaffir | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

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