2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - In Love with Weed w/ Jake Johnson | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Starting point is 00:00:00 What galaxy are we in every room I walk into this house? There's some like weird 26 year old guy on a computer just going like, Editing. Editing what? You guys all working? Yeah, we work for Bert doing this one. How's that one doing? Really big numbers.

Starting point is 00:00:14 What the, every cabinet is full of products? What galaxy is this, man? What company sent you all those hats? 100% Cheers. What company said you all those hats? 100%. Excuse me. At Salesforce, we're all about asking more of AI.

Starting point is 00:00:31 Questions like, where's the data going? Is it secure? Are you sure? Are you sure you're sure? Get answers you can trust from Salesforce at AskMoreOfAI.com. Hey guys, brand new episode of Two Bears One Cave, and I am with fucking talent finally real talent Tommy's not here He's working on a move. I don't know. Do you think you ever seen Tom act? No, not a lot of people have

Starting point is 00:00:53 You know Mark Wahlberg hasn't seen him acting. He was in a movie with him Tom and I sold a movie Tom and I sold a movie Tom and I sold a movie. Tom and I sold a movie. Go. We lost all the weight. We sold a movie called Fat Astronauts. And then we both lost weight. And neither of us won a gateway back.

Starting point is 00:01:14 Not committed to the project, huh? Fuck that. I'd rather live and see my kids get married. Oh fuck, oh my God. The old world. Jake Johnson, everybody. Jake Johnson. Let me, can I get real quick? Because sometimes I feel like, I feel like

Starting point is 00:01:31 new fans may not recognize your face, but don't, they go, how do I fucking know that guy? You're in one of my favorite trailers and movies I've ever seen, Let's Be Cops. That's one of my favorite, you and Damon Waynes. We're gonna try to call him today on FaceTime. Oh, fun. Because I need a black guy to answer a question for me.

Starting point is 00:01:48 Great. You were in The New Girl, you made out with Zoe Deschanel. I don't think, I don't think our fans are huge Zoe fans. I think they are on the surface, but they probably don't want to hear like gossip stories about Zoe.

Starting point is 00:02:01 And they probably didn't watch New Girl. You don't think so? No. Well, I think it depends how old your fan base is. The younger guys have. Yeah. I don't want to hear like gossip stories about Zoli. And they probably didn't watch New Girl. You don't think so? No. Well, I think it depends how old your fan base is. The younger guys have, guys my age haven't, my whole experience of that show was men on the street needing to tell me that they know me,

Starting point is 00:02:17 but they don't like my show. And me being like, pretty cool, bro. Like, it was a lot of this. What's up, man? How you doing? You're that guy, huh? And I go, yeah, and they go, I don a lot of this. What's up, man? How you doing? You that guy, huh? And I go, yeah, and they go, I don't watch this show with you and that girl and the three guys.

Starting point is 00:02:29 And I go, don't care. Thanks for the outfit. But then a new generation post pandemic when it hit Netflix. Younger guys who are just more open, they're just different. They're all like. They're very different. They like it. It's not even gay to suck dick anymore.

Starting point is 00:02:46 Yeah. It's not. I'm going to disagree. And I got to say, Bert, I think most people are with me. You just tried to gaslight me and take this interview in the weirdest way. Oh, no way, Bert. So we can suck each other's dicks and we're straight. No, do you know that you can be, did you know you can get, Tom told me this.

Starting point is 00:03:04 Tom lied to you to get you to suck his dick, bro. Dude, you're not gay. Suck my dick. Really? Tom told me. Tom can tell you anything he wants. He's wrong. Sucking a dick makes you gay.

Starting point is 00:03:14 He told me that he told me that you can be a top and never be a bottom. You can just fuck dudes in the ass and go, like, I just want to fuck dudes in the ass and go like I'm I just want to fuck dudes in the ass. But and then I wouldn't even consider that gay really. You wouldn't? No. I mean I think hold on. Hold on. Just for the record if I was if I had to pick I would definitely want to get fucked in the ass. You would? You're so gay. That's the case thing you've ever said. If I had a choice, I'm fucking.

Starting point is 00:03:46 Dude, if I- A hundred percent. If I'm going to Cancun, I'm going scuba diving, I'm not just gonna hang out in the beach and that's when a guy is fucking a guy in the ass is just hanging out at the beach, going to stay in the resort. He's not even really traveling technically. So hold on. I'm in it.

Starting point is 00:03:59 I'm in cenotes. If you're gonna do it, if you're gonna do it. Let's have a drink. Good question. Good call. Should we go Mitzner's or Porosis? You pick. You pick're gonna do it. Let's have a drink. Yeah. Good call. Should we go? Mitzner's or for roses? Hey, congratulations. Hold on. We're not done with the gay shit. Congratulations. Thank you, my friend. You we are going to

Starting point is 00:04:12 your party tonight for your new movie called Self Reliant. Yes, sir. I watched it last night. It's fucking awesome. It's awesome. Cheers. Cheers. Congratulations. Thank you for coming. And I want and this is important Especially to people listening This is the movie you wrote you directed you starred in you got the money for you sold and now and I what is what are you gonna do with it? Well, who knew bought it who knew bought it. Yeah, so I watched a screener. It's not out on the screener So it comes out on Hulu the 12th, January 12th.

Starting point is 00:04:47 Oh, fuck, yes. So we're at the kind of tail end of it. It's been a whole journey. Yeah, that. But yeah, so we went to South by Southwest last year. Hulu bought it after, we're really excited. And I felt like it wasn't finished yet. So I had a really weird experience

Starting point is 00:05:03 because there was a few scenes, I did some reshoots and some re-edits, so you've seen the most recent cut. But there was some stuff that was not in it before. And I felt like it was missing. Cause we shot it fast, it was a 17 day shoot. It was fast, we was really indie, it was gunning, and then when I watched it, I wanted that third act

Starting point is 00:05:22 to be really dark and really heavy with no laughs at all. Okay, because it got, okay, because you did that good job on that. But then I added some laughs. So the one you saw, some stuff was added in there to bring levity, I had none of that. Because my thought, and when I was sitting in the theater in Austin, first act gets good laughs,

Starting point is 00:05:42 people are on board, second act, when Anna comes, people are like, oh, it's a little bit of a love story, this is fun. It's hard not to fucking love her. She's great, she's so talented. She's the reason we got Greenlit. I bet. Once she said, yes, we had a movie. She's so fucking lovable.

Starting point is 00:05:54 Yeah, she's a movie star. She is. She's got that thing and you see it when you're on set, you're like, I'm grinding around, trying to like, I'm like, if we're all in the water, I'm like, I would just learn to swim. No matter how luck come in the water, I'm like, ah, choking learn to swim. No matter how luck I'm in the water and like, choking a little bit and be like,

Starting point is 00:06:07 this is a lot of fun. This is a fucking nightmare. Get me out of here. I should be on land. And then other people come and you're like, oh, your body naturally floats. Like you're like water does not, when I get in water, I'm sinking to the bottom.

Starting point is 00:06:20 This time everything is a grind. She's one of those movie stars where you're like, your legs aren't even kicking. You're fucking money in this scene. You just looked at the dialogue. She's you and her together. I do not want to ruin the movie, but I do want to let people know, give them a hint,

Starting point is 00:06:36 because I watched it knowing nothing, which I kind of think sometimes is the way to watch a movie. I think it's the best. I think it's like, I didn't know anything about the Karate Kid when I was a kid. Besides, you had a guess on that one. Do you know what I'm talking about? It was about the Kar to watch. I think it's the best. I think it's like I didn't know anything about the karate kid when I was kid. And I besides you had a guess on that one. Do you know, do you know about the karate? You know when I went like, I had an idea. You didn't know you saw this shit. You go, my guess is it's about this little boy kicking some ass. I didn't know. I didn't know. Like I

Starting point is 00:06:59 didn't know anything about footloose. Okay. When they, when we were pulling up, Eric Nuffle goes, I go, so what is this movie? He goes, Oh, it's these kids that live in a city where they can't dance. And I started laughing so hard. And I was like, really? And he goes, no, it's for real. They can't dance. And then I was, and then when you watch a movie, you're like, wow, it's so fun when you see, you know, nothing about a movie. I agree. You see it. But I just want to tease it so people peek their interest. your movie tickles everything in me that I love in movies and I love a movie. I'm the perfect intelligence demographic

Starting point is 00:07:31 to not know what's going on when the director doesn't want you to know what's going on. Like at the sixth sense, I was sitting next to this black dude in red locks and me and him got it at the same time. At the same time, he grabbed me and was like, oh shit, he's dead. Oh shit, he's dead?

Starting point is 00:07:48 And then both our girls already knew the ending already. They were like, when did you guys? We knew that minute eight. Yeah, we're waiting. Like we didn't get it when he like backs up against the thing and like looks at his stomach and sees a bud, and still we didn't get it. We're like, oh, his wound reopened.

Starting point is 00:08:04 We did Let's Speak Cops. We had a screening for that in Vegas and there was, it was like a real drunken thing. It was a UFC event kind of combined with a screening. So it was a real wild group. And there was a black guy sitting right behind Damon and I who just decided to narrate the movie. And at the beginning it was annoying.

Starting point is 00:08:22 You thought like, motherfucker, like we did all this work. Shut the fuck up. It turned because I realized he's the perfect audience member. Yeah. Something would happen and he would go like, the little white guy's getting confident, but he shouldn't yet. And I'd be like, you're right. And then something and I was like, oh, we made this movie for him.

Starting point is 00:08:41 And then you go like, I'm feeling a little uncomfortable. It's getting scary. And Damian and I looked at each other midway through and we go like, I'm feeling a little uncomfortable. It's getting scary. And Damon and I looked at each other midway through and we're like, this is it. That's the guy gets it. Why is that not a mystery science 3000 where they just have a lot to watch in movies? I would love it.

Starting point is 00:08:54 That would be the fucking greatest show. Yeah, so it would be the best. I will tell you right now, I have a movie, why don't I do it? Let's do that. Can we set that up? I want to get two black comics I know. Amazing. I kind. I want I

Starting point is 00:09:05 kind of want Miss Pat to be one of them who have never seen the machine and I want to watch it. We're going to do a mystery science 3000 commentary where you can watch along with that. That's a fucking great way to market a movie. It really is. Holy shit. It's fine. Unless they don't like it because they have to be honest. So the catch has to be they are not because this guy in the back at times in certain moments you'd be like that wasn't like come on man I don't buy that shit and we'd be like that was a soft moment because if the two comics are kissing ass once you read that and they're just liking it you need the moment where they as the audience go like that wasn't it. Type in black people who don't like me. How's that demo?

Starting point is 00:09:46 I don't think I, I don't, I have a good crossover but I don't like, I'm very cognizant. I shouldn't even say this out loud. I'm very cognizant. I'm not trying to cross over. Yeah. Like I don't want to be in a place. I'm, I don't want to be in a place.

Starting point is 00:09:59 I don't, don't, don't, don't, don't type it. Get it out of there. Get out of there. It's crooked. What does it say? It's a black people who don't like. Black people who don't don't don't type it get it out of there get out of there fucking what does it say black people who don't like people who don't like Bert really fucking way to think to Google anyway that doesn't feel great yeah well but you but well then let's get into this subject you worked with the dude from get out which one the guy the black dude Daniel Daniel well we were

Starting point is 00:10:22 in spider-verse together spider-verse. Yes. Okay. Here's my question. Yeah. Do you, does, he's British, right? Yeah. Is it weird when you work with a black dude who's British and then does a white dude, a white, a black American dude accent? What? Okay. So, that guy's British. Yes. So, he, so, we so we just like, yeah, it's good to make you Jake. Yeah. How all right. Yeah, exactly.

Starting point is 00:10:49 This should be a fun project. Daniel. Yeah. Well, where am I? All right, Jake. Real quick, I want to get ready for this role. Yeah. So when a black man speaks in your country, they say,

Starting point is 00:11:00 buff day, huh? What's an F, right? And then you're like, well, hey man, but, but he's black, so he can do whatever. And then you go, it well, hey, man, but he's black. So he can do whatever. And then you go, it's kind of borderlining on racist a little bit. So the exchange you're pitching never happened. It is the equivalent of Tom telling you sucking a dick keeps you straight. It's not real life. He fucking a dude in the ass. I don't think is that gay.

Starting point is 00:11:24 Really? I don't think is that gay. Really? I don't think it's that gay. So hold on. If you went off and fucked 10 guys in the ass. That's gay. Like fucking 10 guys in the ass is gay. How about 10 guys in the summer? But if you come out as gay and you go,

Starting point is 00:11:38 I only fuck dudes in the ass, that's not that gay. But you're not the gayest, but it is gay, right? Or no. I don't know. I think it's gayer But you're not the gayest, but it is gay, right? Or no. I don't know. I think it's gayer to get fucked in the ass. So when I was a kid, my uncle Eddie came lived with us because he was having legal problems. I fucking already loved Eddie.

Starting point is 00:11:54 Yeah, and loved, I mean, major character. I love Eddie. Eddie was the best. Hung neon signs, I dropped out of school, hung neon signs with him. We used to have to run from the shop owners because the work was so shitty. Everything was always a hustle and a con.

Starting point is 00:12:08 And he was telling me a story that he was bragging about. And he was talking about, he was once getting his dick sucked by this long-haired hippie. And then he felt whiskers hit his nuts. And he moved the person's head and realized it was a guy with long hair. And at 15, I said, so what

Starting point is 00:12:26 did you do? And he said, I said, finish what you started. That story to me is not the story of like a cool straight guy getting a blow job. That was a story to me of like, okay, cool. I respect you, but you knowingly got a blowjob from a man and especially in 1994 whenever that story happened. Yeah, 1994 that was definitely gay. And in 2023 it's definitely gay. It's definitely gay too. It's gay.

Starting point is 00:12:56 It's gay. But you know, like there are dudes that like, but how about this? Okay, this is maybe what I'm trying to get at. Okay. This is it. Oh, I want to tell you. Hey, would someone get me Zins? What's Zins?

Starting point is 00:13:07 Oh, are you serious? Yeah. Oh, this is the greatest thing in the world. It's nicotine. Oh, nicotine. So, this is what I was trying to get at. This is the brilliant thought I had. When we were kids, sucking a dude's dick

Starting point is 00:13:22 was frowned upon as a dude. Now there's less of a frown. So there's so like I want to suck a dick, suck a dick. Yeah. No, but even like, even like, I've dealt with it. A lot of my daughters, uh, dude friends are gay and there's guys that I honestly would not like I did not clock that. Interesting. Yes. I know what you're saying. A lot. Yeah. I believe that. Like there was a buddy of hers that just came out and- He didn't say it at all, yeah. I didn't see it so much, I told him he wasn't. And he said like, I am, and you're like, nah.

Starting point is 00:13:56 And I was like, I think it's the vaccine. The head of Disney's getting canceled, your podcast. That guy's in the fucking hot seat. Talk about watching the fucking Capitol crumble. That poor guy fucking shout out to Pat McAfee for calling out the head of fucking ESPN. That fucking poor guy is, he's probably gotta be our age. He's gotta be 52.

Starting point is 00:14:19 And he just, and you know, can I tell you I'm such a coward there's times when that happened to me at networks and I just shut my fucking mouth. Yeah, of course. I still would. I still do. This show is sponsored by better help. Wow.

Starting point is 00:14:35 Man, this has been a therapy rich period for me and my family. I'll just say that right now. Around new years, we all get obsessed with how we want to change ourselves instead of expanding on what we already are doing right. Maybe you're finally organizing that one part of your space, or maybe you want to tackle another part of your space, or maybe you're taking on supplements. So like every morning you're taking supplements and now you want to actually eat breakfast too.

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Starting point is 00:15:33 And those are pinpointed by our therapists. Everyone's in therapy in my family and we are all happy as shit. I'm telling you right now, if you're thinking about starting therapy, give better help and try. It's entirely online. Our whole family is online therapy. Our whole family does online because it's convenient, it's flexible, and it's suited to our schedules.

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Starting point is 00:17:32 Kansas, 21 and over, age varies by jurisdiction. Void in Ontario. Bonus bets expire 168 hours after issuance. See dkng.com slash football for eligibility and deposit restrictions terms and responsible gaming resources. Well, it's hard, because we're in a really wild era. It's the old world and the new world are coming together. But it's still, I mean, my movie's with Hulu. That's where the movie sold.

Starting point is 00:17:55 I would love to get to a spot where you can make an indie movie. We were talking about this before. Sell it directly to the audience and then sell to these streamers as a second run. But I don't know if we're there. Well, here's the question. I think we're there.

Starting point is 00:18:09 I think it's gotta be people like you. This is the, I was saying this to you walking up here. The missing ingredient is you. I was saying this to you walking up. And it's like, even with me and my movie, I think that would have been an interesting thing to sell it to the fans. I think ultimately we did.

Starting point is 00:18:24 Yeah. I think that's where we got it thing to sell to the fans. I think ultimately we did. Yeah. I think that's where we got it. Didn't you guys go crazy at Netflix? We had Netflix. I, you know, it's, uh, I bite my tongue sometimes, but like we had an opportunity to go into theaters or just go to Netflix. And then, and then at the last minute, we, uh, last minute, we had an opportunity to do both.

Starting point is 00:18:42 And, but I, but at the very beginning I said, I want to be in theaters. I can't, I'd be, I didn't, I didn very beginning I said I wanted to be in theaters. I'd be, I didn't, I didn't, listen, in hindsight, I should have just gone to Netflix. It would have been, it would have crossed and it would have been great for all the brand, all the podcast or all the specials, but perfect, thank you. But I just, it's like there's a thing about, you came up with an idea.

Starting point is 00:19:03 Yeah, there's a thing about seeing it in movie theaters now having said that I Look at your movie and even my movie and I go my mom I really thought my movie was good, but It would have been great if you had started it like and I just know that because You don't there's no point. Do I watch you act where I'm not? You don't, there's no point do I watch you act where I'm not enmeshed in the fucking story. Like you're really great actor. And you're a really great actor in doing very nothing.

Starting point is 00:19:31 Like that's the when you're, the best is like, when you're just talking very casually to Anna and the two of you were talking, I don't wanna ruin any part of the movie, you're talking to that one dude. And the two of you were going back and forth with opposing opinions. It's so funny and so light.

Starting point is 00:19:45 And even you don't push jokes. Like your jokes come naturally. You can tell when comics push a joke. And there's one scene that I kept thinking about in my movie where I said, I wish you had said it. I really do. Interesting. The most funny about that being opposite is,

Starting point is 00:20:01 cause I came up doing improv and sketch. And now I feel like when I was coming up, that was winning. You know, the Bill Murrays did it, the Chris Farley's did it, the Belushi's did it. And then I felt like stand-ups were over here and improv and sketch was over here. And now I feel like there's been a big shift. And stand-up is king.

Starting point is 00:20:19 And improv theaters are fading and to do stand-up is kind of everything. And I feel like it's such an interesting spot when you get towards like comedic acting, because certain stand-ups, you got your Eddie Murphy's. Those motherfuckers know how to hit a joke in a way that I don't. So certain stand-ups will go on a run

Starting point is 00:20:36 and you'll see them as an actor and you'll be like, oh, fucking perfect, because your job is in front of people, like your life, you're going, because I'll check you out on Instagram after we did our thing and then you know worked out together I was like I'll birth fucking great guy, so I've been keeping track You're the first person I've ever done that with where I said I was gonna do something I followed through I don't do that That's a true. Yeah, I don't do that. I don't do that

Starting point is 00:20:58 But I was I felt very comfortable with you. Yeah And we texted and I said hey man, I'm working out and we Randomly you knew my trainer. Yeah, and I said yo hey man, I'm working out and we, randomly you knew my trainer. And I said, yo, come and surprise her. And then we had a great fucking workout. I've been on the, I've been, and literally I said to myself yesterday, I was like, I haven't worked out with him

Starting point is 00:21:13 and why should I hit him up to come work out with us? And I said, no me. Yeah, so you should gotta come again. I'm leaving for Mexico tomorrow. But your life, man, which I've now, cause I never aspired to be a standup. I didn't understand it. Now seeing it, I'll get clips of you.

Starting point is 00:21:27 You're in front of 20,000 people multiple times a week, hitting jokes. I'm like that from somebody who comes from my world. That is insane. Yeah. Your skill set when you get to a set, that must feel tiny to you. No, the difference is, and I don't wanna tell you the line I wish you had said, but you said a similar line in your movie.

Starting point is 00:21:52 Yeah. And it's, and I watched you say it and I went, so what you have, by the way you directed it, so I don't know who gave you notes, but when you tell me, say this line, I'm going to give it to you the way I think you should be said. Right. And they go, give me a different energy. I'm going to give you a pretty much the same variation of what I just said.

Starting point is 00:22:14 I can say it with a little bit of a Scottish accent, maybe, but that's about it. But you have such an ability to enter and to take pivotal, you know, it's like the thing with Arnold Schwarzenegger is He never knew that I'll be back was gonna be the line and that's why it stopped That's why you're 100% because he didn't put any energy into it. Yes. He just like if you told him This is our catchphrase. Yeah, you're he would have sold it in a huge way. Yeah, you're right And I think I did that but uh, but you in your moments

Starting point is 00:22:43 You're you you're very good at being small, but making that small moment very large. But that's the key when we talk about the media changing. And I look at someone like Theo Vaughn. Do you know Theo Vaughn? I'm killer. I love Theo. Me too.

Starting point is 00:22:56 We tried to cast him in an animated show. We did a show cut. Good luck. Well, this was years ago. It was called Hoots. Theo, there's so much you can share about Theo. There's so much you can share about Theo There's so much you can share about Theo that you that I choose I I choose sometimes not to Only be only out of respect for like I don't want to be in a clip about Theo. Yeah, you know, but like all I will say is

Starting point is 00:23:18 he Here's a drum no one else. And he does his own thing. And he has done things that he has done things that if I told you right now, not nothing bad, nothing bad. But just being a real artist where he doesn't feel it. He does his own thing where you'd go, are you fucking kidding me? But he was one of the guys who blew my mind.

Starting point is 00:23:39 You, when I came here and we did something's burning that we sat in the back and had a bunch of drinks and you like broke down the structure. Oh, yeah. Dax Shepard hanging out with him. Dax Shepard's fucking fascinating. He's an awesome guy. Dude, he's someone.

Starting point is 00:23:52 Really fun talk. I trashed him on two bears one time. I ain't trash him, but we busted balls. I don't think he's a sensitive guy. He doesn't. He didn't seem as... So I watched him pull a pin out of his wrist. Yeah, he's...

Starting point is 00:24:03 And by the way, I'll tell you this, this is all you need to know about Dax Shephard. He married Kristen Bell. Kristen Bell's a fucking gangster. She's got all of it. She's got all of it and she seems to be a pretty legit fucking mom. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:24:16 And he's a killer man. But you three, so Theo, years ago, were you doing this anime show with Gareth Reynolds? Yeah. He was one of the EPs on it. Ben Hoffman. Wait, what was the show? Hoops.

Starting point is 00:24:28 Hoops. Yeah, I saw that. Yeah, so that was, so I was the lead voice on that. Ben Hoffman, it's his show, Wheeler Walker. Yeah. Gareth. I don't think anyone knows that. What's that?

Starting point is 00:24:38 Oh yeah, interesting. Never mind. God bless. He's a musician and a comedy writer. And an old friend like an awesome guy. Sorry. Cut that out. Hey, it's up to you guys editing in the studio.

Starting point is 00:24:55 Cut it out or leave it in. Whatever. I think it's fucking fascinating. Yeah, I think it's the most. Whatever it is. It's crazy. It's a wide one. It's fucking crazy.

Starting point is 00:25:03 It's bananas. It's bananas. It's fucking crazy. It's so crazy. So crazy and so committed and so deep that you're like, look, and I also know someone. Okay, someone send this clip to Ben so we can someone's clip. See if he doesn't want it in because we won't put it in. I think that's how great it is. This is how great it is. I wish I don't wish he died in a plane crash so we could just share this information.

Starting point is 00:25:28 But I kind of do. Yeah, great, yes. Because it's so fascinating. Well, eventually it's going to, what I don't understand is, well anyhow, well, see if he'll even put it in. Yeah, yeah. But we auditioned, so the part,

Starting point is 00:25:39 I play an abusive coach from Kentucky, it was a Ben's inspiration, kind of whatever. We were looking to find the seven foot kid who was going to be like the prodigy that my guy saw like, I see the world and you kid. And my guy's trying to get out of this fucking high school and get to the pros. There's a seven footer at the school.

Starting point is 00:25:57 The seven footer just doesn't have the brain for competition, he's just a weirdo. We auditioned a bunch of people. Do you know that fucking Burt, stop interrupting me. Interrupt, interrupt, I'll get back do you know do you know that fucking Bert stop interrupting interrupt I'll get you know that The majority of seven footers don't because they've been famous since they were like in fifth grade They've been famous that the tallest guy and everyone goes up to him It causes a lot of social anxiety with them

Starting point is 00:26:17 We had a dude that was the biggest guy at our school and immediately you just assume He's comfortable with interaction because he's the biggest guy and he was a very quiet soft soul I think he's so I think he's like working in computers here's the other side you know in the movie the seven foot guy and the Michael Jackson thing who attacks me that's Bobon Marjovanik he did I say it wrong who the what are you a you, a big Serb? I just offended the Serbian community. Oh, OK, OK.

Starting point is 00:26:48 What's up? He's in the NBA. Yeah, he's in the NBA. He's seven foot four. I wrote the part with him in mind. You know, I'd seen him. I DM'd him to do it. He came on board.

Starting point is 00:26:57 He was the opposite. He just did our podcast. This guy. Yeah, I know that guy. I thought it was him. He came on the podcast too. He's actually the opposite of that. What he does, because he's so big.

Starting point is 00:27:07 I mean, Seven Four is real. And when you're around it, it's otherworldly. It feels like you ate mushrooms. Cause you just go like, you're like me, but you ain't like me. His is the opposite. He says hi to everybody. He makes everybody comfortable.

Starting point is 00:27:21 So everybody gets at ease. And I was like, oh, you got that magic gift of you walk into a space and he just goes like, hi, hi, hi, warmth, warmth, warmth, and it works for it. I would love to be seven four. Do you know how big my personality would be if I was seven four? Yeah, you know how hard it would be to fly.

Starting point is 00:27:39 I would have so much money if I was seven four. Yeah. I would have so much fucking money. A seven foot four standup. It's been my day at carnivals hitting the fucking hammer on the thing. Ding! All day long.

Starting point is 00:27:49 I guarantee you're making more money than what you're doing. Ah! So you're right, Bert. You could get nine funnel cakes in like 200 bucks a day. I guarantee you got a better, you got a better cake. The funnel cakes at Knott's Berry Farm are the best funnel cakes I've ever had in my life.

Starting point is 00:28:04 I bet. You can get them. You can have them later. I interrupted you. So Theo Vom. So we're auditioning people for this part of Maddie. Theo comes in. I swear to God, it was the funniest thing I've ever seen.

Starting point is 00:28:15 I didn't know Theo at the time. I didn't know him as a standup. I wasn't into the podcast world yet. And if you're not into it, you don't really listen, you don't know. I just see this dude walk in, nowhere near the script. I'm sorry, man. I'm gonna try to get these. He just starts improvising. He finished. We all, he walked out. He was like, that's gotta be the guy. We went to the studio, the network was like, no choice. It has to be

Starting point is 00:28:38 him. We were texting him. He was like, yeah, I guess I'm interested. It's fun. I auditioned for it. He got his offer from 20th century. They do a standard rate. Everybody gets the same rate. I've done shows. There's no negotiation. That rate is not good. But you do it because you're on 20th century. You might get on, I don't know.

Starting point is 00:28:54 You just say yes. He goes, no, no, no, no, no. I can't leave my living room for that. And he's like, I don't like to drive. And then as it was going back and forth, I was sure it was a negotiation move. Oh no. It was done.

Starting point is 00:29:07 Never engaged again. And I was like, how? And then Ben goes, he's got a killer podcast. And I was like, no, no, you do this whole game to do film and TV. And that was the beginning of no other people are playing a different game that I've been playing since like 97.

Starting point is 00:29:25 And then here at your house, I was like, remember I kept thinking this was your family home? And I couldn't believe it was a fake kitchen. You know, many times I've talked about that fake kitchen. You have a fake kitchen. And I was like, what galaxy are we in every room I walk into this house? There's some like weird 26 year old guy on a computer

Starting point is 00:29:43 just going like, editing. Editing what? You guys all working? Yeah, we work for Bert doing what this one. How's that one doing? Really big numbers. What the, every cabinet is full of products? What galaxy is this, man?

Starting point is 00:29:58 What company sent you all those hats? I know one did. Yeah, they did. Shout out to Lock Hatter. Shout out to Winkland. You guys are awesome. I know one did Shut up a block header Out of England you guys are awesome. Thank you. It was a Churchill day the the amazing it's Tom was one that introduced me to introduce me to the fact that the business had changed over the pandemic. I have never

Starting point is 00:30:22 I've never been I've never tracked my money. I've, I've, meaning I, I know what I know what I made when I started headlining and, but this is how little I am with how bad I am with money. The first TV show I got was $5,000 an episode, which is a lot of fucking money. Still to end this day, to this day, 5,000 is my threshold of where I know you're good.

Starting point is 00:30:44 If you make $5,000 a week, you're fucking good. Yeah, I agree, buddy. When I found out, I was making $5,000 an episode, and it was a weekly show, it was $5,000 a week. Okay. It was $5,000 a week, we did four shows a week, so technically when you break it down, it wasn't the greatest money.

Starting point is 00:30:59 But it was still a lot of money for me. I looked at my buddy Eddie Fernandez, and we were on Franklin Franklin and I looked at him and I said, I'm a fucking millionaire. I didn't do the math. I thought I was a millionaire. And so, but 5,000 when I went to travel channel, when I went to travel channel, I said anything over 5,000 and they're like, you never get, you never get that

Starting point is 00:31:20 an episode. That was then that was an episode. It was still three days of work, but was this the birth of conqueror? And they gave me 7,000 an episode and I was like that was an episode. It was still three days of work, but was this the Bert the Conqueror's birthday? Conqueror and they gave me 7000 episode. And I was like, I made it. I made it. And so that's the last time I remember making money in my head. Cause I go, anything above 7000 were good. Yeah, you can pay for our rent. We can pay for everything. The other day I was taking a piss and I went, I literally said to myself in a panic, like what happens if, like if everything goes away,

Starting point is 00:31:45 what happens, do I have enough money? And I literally didn't know the answer. But I don't follow money like that. I know I make good money on the road. And I know that I feel like I can last for a while and maybe I can make it to retirement, but I don't pay attention to money that way. Tom said to me, when we first doing, when we first started Two Bears,

Starting point is 00:32:05 when we started getting ad sales on Two Bears during the pandemic, I guess I can burn it to the ground like Pat McAfee, Travel Channel came to us. I used to be a Travel Channel and they were like, yo, we'd like to hire you and Tom to do a TV show for us. And I was like, that's why you do the podcast. 100% right, that was the model. That's why you do the fucking podcast.

Starting point is 00:32:21 And I went to Tom and he was like, cool, let's do it. So they came back with their offer and Tom said to me, we make that, what they want to offer both of us, we make that. And I went, what? He goes, for like, a read. And by the way, there weren't offering a ton of fucking money at the time of during the pandemic.

Starting point is 00:32:40 And I went, huh? And he goes, for one minute of me and you reading an ad. We get that. We get that. We get that. But they're gonna give notes and be in control and they're gonna decide if we do more. And then. It's shocking.

Starting point is 00:32:52 And then at that time, we had offers from a bunch of people to buy something's burning. Because something's burning was at a different company for a while, but I owned it. And so it was complicated, but I owned it. And so I could make the decisions of what happened with the show and they came to me and I remember hearing the money

Starting point is 00:33:09 and thinking of what Tom said and I said, I'll do it, but I want no notes. And they were like, okay, it's what we shoot, you'll get that, I'll just shoot that and I'll give it to you. And we'll give you the edit and you can air it. And they came back and they said, that's awesome, we'd love it, but we'd love it, little man on the street stuff. And they came back and they said, that's awesome, we'd love it, but we'd love a little man on the street stuff.

Starting point is 00:33:26 And I went, no, I said no notes. And look, I remember the producer that I was talking to that was helping me sell this project said to me, I've not, you can't say no notes. I said, well, I'm in a position where I can say no notes. I can see it, that's right. And I, but it was the old paradigm and now things have shifted. And I keep going back to Pat McAfee and I go

Starting point is 00:33:50 I mean not to not to like I hate talking about my friends too much on podcasts because I feel like they get clipped out badly poorly. But Tom and I remember Pat McAfee when he was just a punter with a podcast. Yeah, totally. And I remember thinking how much how much of this punting salary is he going to run through on trying this podcast shit because his podcast was good. It was good. But I was like, but I was in that old paradigm and travel channel. I think I was a travel channel at the time. Yeah. And then I watched him turn into what he is and it's like, oh, you just gotta believe in yourself.

Starting point is 00:34:27 I said it to anyone listening. And I know Tom's had some thoughts about money and what, to our fans, but the truth is, finding the thing you fucking love and believing in yourself, you did that with this movie. You believed in yourself, you got the money, you wrote the movie, you made the movie, you starred in the movie, you called in friends

Starting point is 00:34:46 to do favors for you, and they did them, and the movie's fucking phenomenal, and that's the new paradigm. That is the new paradigm. That's interesting, yeah. It is because- Here's what's trippy, Bert. So here's where the whole world for me is-

Starting point is 00:34:58 I'm gonna have another drink. I haven't had a buzz in 15 days. It's nice. Why not? I am changing my lifestyle. Longevity. I'm trying to drink tonight at your party. I'm drinking tonight at your party.

Starting point is 00:35:09 Yeah, Garth is gonna be there too. We're gonna have some fun. I gotta set it 7.15 at the improv and then I'm going over to the party. Oh, fun, good. You're gonna be jacked up. I'm gonna be jacked up. I only have one joke that I'm telling tonight

Starting point is 00:35:23 that's new, so. Yeah. I have one joke that I'm gonna be jacked up. I only have one joke that I'm telling tonight that's new so I Have one joke that I'm gonna try I'm gonna try I time I think this is funny. I Texted I think it's funny cuz Tom texted it back to me. I this guy DM'd me he's like, hey, you gonna be a Stockton I would like to bring the Diaz brothers and a couple of MMA guys and a bunch of people. Oh yeah. I'm taking a shit in in Park City and I just write, I voice text abs a fucking Lutley and then I hit send and it voice text changed that too. I'm so fucking lonely.

Starting point is 00:35:58 I think I wrote like, cool. So yeah, your nay on the Diaz brothers. I'm so fucking lonely. You know what I will say? I'm a UFC guy from back in the day, and I faded a little bit. And I got into it because of the Diaz brothers. When those guys, now when Nick- I would argue, God damn it Bert, stop fucking interrupting.

Starting point is 00:36:22 I would argue that, I would argue that I would argue that the Diaz brothers are Gangsters right they're real fighters. They're fucking gangsters Here's into that magic sauce here's the difference nowadays you have all athletes everybody looks like GSP Everybody's got a certain body and everybody does everything. The reason that Nick Diaz was Nick Diaz, he showed up in jeans. And I remember watching fights where you would have like,

Starting point is 00:36:56 it used to be back in the day, you'd be like, and we would all get together and we would gamble on it. And if I was running the gambling, you'd go like, all right, the fat guy who seems to punch versus the Jiu-Jitsu guy. When Diaz brother came up, you were like, well, it's going to be them. It's going to be like Jake Shield. It's going to be that guy burns. And they might literally walk into the ring in acid wash jeans and a t-shirt and then fight. Nowadays, it is such a sport. ESPN is all over it, Reebok on it. Everybody's got their sponsors.

Starting point is 00:37:25 Everybody's playing the game. You see how it got corporate. You see how it got big. But I'm like, where's Roy Nelson? Where are the big fat bellies? But if he catches you, and that is, you know, that is the thing that I will say with everything that I miss, and as the world keeps changing,

Starting point is 00:37:42 I'm like, there was really something too. You would have somebody where you're like, that's a professional martial artist. But that motherfucker is fighting this tough dude from Stockton who grew up with his brother's badasses, trained Jiu Jitsu, but they have now worked themselves in a frenzy, they hate you. My favorite Diaz clip, and by the way, I have a bunch.

Starting point is 00:38:01 I have a fucking bunch. My favorite Diaz clip, it's a Nate DS clip. They asked him if he ever got bullied growing up. Dude, this could, I could cry telling you this. And he said, nah, I had a big brother. Yeah, so cool. That's amazing. Never hated my sisters more. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha They did nothing for me. They gave me a sense of humor, but like those fucking.

Starting point is 00:38:27 So I got I got twin girls and not conjoined. Not conjoined. That was still one of my favorites. But one of them came home. The other one was home from school and she said a girl in the group said, it's better when blank isn't here, talking a little shit about her sister and my other daughter went, no, we don't do that.

Starting point is 00:38:49 Don't talk about it. And stood up and walked away and a couple of friends went with. It was the proudest I've ever been as a parent of like, you're just setting the standard. And I feel that way with friends and my team. It's like, you've got a squad, you've got a group. You can't let people fucking piss on it.

Starting point is 00:39:05 So when you go back to like the Diaz brothers, what's so fun about them is they got a group in Stuncton and you ain't in it. You're not part of it. If you are one of those celebrities, if you can like hang with them, say they'll know you, so you're with them. You might walk with them, you're not with them.

Starting point is 00:39:18 They're gonna be nice to you. They're gonna make sure you don't get beat. They may, but every now and then you're gonna get side eyes to them when they go, what did you just say? Exactly, and then you're gonna go, nothing and nothing. That shit, which used to be more of UFC, remember when it first started in our generation, you used to watch on VHSs and you would have like a 300 pounder murdering some guy? And it used to be that and faces of death.

Starting point is 00:39:42 Remember when those were linked rather than UFC and fucking pickleball where they done is. It used to be UFC and faces of literal death. I'm gonna rope in this alligator. You should be. Oh God. No, no. Nowadays you have UFC and then you're like, keep watching fucking cornholes coming on and these fucking goobers are taking that shit seriously. You know, pickleballs kill more people than any sport in the world. That's not true. You're making stuff You just lie with sincerity. No, but I only know Matthew Perry and and then this guy was snowboarding with He was like I had a massive heart attack after pickleball and I I was like, fuck pickleball, man. That's dangerous.

Starting point is 00:40:25 Pickleball is fun. Have you played? I was. This is the problem. This could be our way of working out. This is, dude, do not get Leanne started on pickleball. You know, she bought this house so that she could build a pickleball court in it. Really?

Starting point is 00:40:37 She wanted to build a pickleball court where we parked my bus now. Because she wants a pickleball. It's fun. It's so great cardio. It's great cardio. Here's the problem. It's decept. Great cardio. It's great cardio. Here's the problem. It's deceptive to older people.

Starting point is 00:40:47 Because it fucks up your knees? No, no, because they think they're getting a good workout, but they should not be working out. And so that's why they have heart attacks. Did you know Matthew Perry super glued his hands to his knees to stop doing drugs? No, but I do know I did a press event with him years ago. Really? We did some like a Hollywood Reporter Roundtable and you know

Starting point is 00:41:05 it's Matt Perry. So you know God bless the guy but I'm a fan. And so you know remember in that era coming up when he was on Friends and then he was doing movies with Farley too and Bruce Willis. I'm like go man. And so everyone was around and I'm like I kind of want to chat with him a little bit and he was crushing Red Bulls. And I go and I'm an addict. So I get addicted to everything. So an addict sees an addict. You see it really quick. The way you were freaking out about those mints, can Pete get those mints?

Starting point is 00:41:30 Yeah, so anyway, the movie, can Pete get those mints? Yeah, so the movie, it's like non-stop. Speaking of time, good time to switch out for a new one. Delicious. And so I said like, you're crushing these Red Bulls for me. And he goes, it's my thing. He goes, you have no idea how many I drink. He goes, I have a vending machine at home

Starting point is 00:41:47 stocked with fucking Red Bull. And that's when I was like, oh, this dude goes hard. He goes after it. He goes out and I was like, he would be a fun hang. The key is, did you read his book? No. I listened to his book on tape. When I was not drinking for like, I didn't drink for like three months No, I listened to his book on tape in them when I was not drinking for like

Starting point is 00:42:05 I didn't drink for like three months. Yeah, and I listened to his book He he says it. It's all I've said to everyone. It's the thing you should listen to it's really moving especially That berries. Yeah. Oh, yeah, cuz he's very open and honest What did he who did he kill Keanu Reeves remember he did I remember some thing where he did some statement where he was like making fun of some actor and everyone got mad at him. Oh, I don't know. Is that not true? Was Keanu Reeves? What? Oh, they did. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:42:33 They took it out of what? He went for real. Yeah. He said something for like no reason where he said like he doesn't like Keanu Reeves. I kind of like that though. Yeah. That's what Cat Williams did. Cat Williams. Holy cow. Is that dude funny? Dude, he burned all the though. Yeah, that's what cat Williams did cat Williams Holy cow is that dude funny dude? He burned all the boats. Yeah, he burned all the boats and still on the shore Five-foot-five going I'm bigger when you see me in person and let me tell you something. I bet he is

Starting point is 00:42:56 Yes, I bet he fucking he's a murderer. He's a murderer. He is so He but you know the I mean, you're listening to all. No one's shitting on Cat Williams. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's the weird thing. It's like there is like a there is a thing in Hollywood where the person you think you're working with isn't who you are. I'm not saying that I'm not saying this about Kevin Hart and Bernie and all.

Starting point is 00:43:22 Or not Bernie, but I'm not saying this about cat statements. Yes. But there is not Bernie, but yeah. I'm not saying this about cat statements. But there is a thing where you get to work with the person you wanna work with. You're super excited, then you meet them and you're like, who is this garbage motherfucker? There's also the other side. What's that? And that is you work with certain people that,

Starting point is 00:43:38 so I am now conditioned that certain celebrities, everything is a grind to get them to do any little things. You come into the party today and you saying for years it means a lot. That means- It's not a grind, it's not a grind. And I'll tell you why. But hold on, hold on, but that means a lot

Starting point is 00:43:52 because you are helping me, you taking photos there will help promote the movie. That means a lot. Asking celebrities to do stuff. Little stuff. Who are friends? It's like you're pulling fucking teeth and then you meet certain people.

Starting point is 00:44:08 Tom Cruise was one of those people. I'm not gonna say Tom Sucker, because he's difficult too, keep going. You know what it is? And I, listen, this is the other thing I've learned in therapy, Tom's really good at setting boundaries. I'm not good at setting boundaries. I'm not good at setting boundaries,

Starting point is 00:44:20 but I also know what a little bit of an ask and a little bit of a give means. I told you this, when people came to my premiere like Bussin' with the Boys, those guys came out, Liam flew them out, but they, regardless, they got on the plane. They came, they did it. It meant a lot to me. It does mean a lot. And when I got the invite for your party tonight, I said,

Starting point is 00:44:39 I said, yeah, absolutely. And I was like, I'm not going to be, I won't shift the energy of that room. I'm not going to be like a big name. But just if you see me, then you know that I really like you. And I think you mean something to me. And so that's why I show up. But yeah, but you were saying the other side of that. I'm guys, I'm trying so hard not to interrupt.

Starting point is 00:45:01 Trust me. You said the other side of that is when you see the celebrity thing we were talking about. And they're fucking awesome. Yeah. And they come out and you expect them to be something. So you're going, cause me as an actor, for most of my jobs, I like being number two on call sheets. I like being number one.

Starting point is 00:45:16 You do? I can't be number two. Is that true? 100%. Cause an ego or what? No, I wish I wasn't so fucking honest. I don't know if it's ego. I don't know if it's, it's not an ego.

Starting point is 00:45:28 So I wouldn't mind being with bigger people. Yeah. But I got offered, I got fucking edit yourself, Bert. Please edit the names out. I got offered a movie with, yeah, edit those names out please. Very casually, would you like to play a part in this movie? I said, yeah, definitely.

Starting point is 00:45:47 And I was like, well, hold on, can I like, kind of like going to the offices on like a Tuesday and like fuck around and like, like walking into the trailer and say hi, and like, am I gonna be like, like, where will I be? And they're like, no, it's a job. You'll show up for two days and if they're there, they're there. You're in a small part. Very, very small part. And I was like, well, it's a job. You'll show up for two days and if they're there, they're there. You had a small part.

Starting point is 00:46:05 Very, very small part. And I was like, well, I think I want to be, I want to be in the process. Yes, okay, but that's different. So being number one and being like. Oh, I don't care where my, I never looked at a fucking call sheet. But here's why I say it, because being number two,

Starting point is 00:46:20 which is where I like to be two, three or four, cause what that is is number one has to carry the whole thing. And when the big corporate machine comes around and says these are your obligations with press, that's number one. Number two, three and four, they're just there to help the team win.

Starting point is 00:46:38 And so I'm used to being around number ones. Certain number ones are better than other number ones. But when you see a number one and you get to a set, and that number one only, it's like sports. Yeah. It's the same idea of if your quarterback is the first one to leave, first one to get there and last one to leave, you got a better chance of winning. Your number one is your quarterback. Yeah. So I have worked with certain number ones where I'm like, well, you care about everybody. You care about like the moments. You care about everybody feeling right. When I did the mummy with Tom Cruise.

Starting point is 00:47:07 TC. TC he wanted me to. Love calling him TC. Do it. What if I ever run into him and say yo what's up TC. He would like you. He wanted me to get thinner and stronger because we were doing stunts together. So he's like it's dangerous because you got to keep up with me in two shots.

Starting point is 00:47:20 So we started training. I'm a pudgy guy. So I started dropping weight pretty quickly when I had to do his stuff and eat the food that his chef was sending me, right? So the director said through the scripty, continuity wise, Jake's looking a little bit different and it might not track.

Starting point is 00:47:36 The answer there, if you're just concerned about the movie is we gotta worry about the movie. Tom was concerned about my life and he liked the path I was going. He said it doesn't matter, keep going. And I was like, yo, you care about me on a human level, motherfucker, as number one. And no one in the audience cared. But that was like an executive little detail scripty.

Starting point is 00:47:59 His face looks a little, and Tom goes, Jake's into working out and he's willing to eat this soup rather than the fries and the burgers he was bragging about. And when he tried to pass on the movie wouldn't work out. He likes doing workouts, which I still have in my garage because of him. And like doing it. I like it now. Know me for example.

Starting point is 00:48:15 That to me is the other side of Hollywood that doesn't get talked about because there's one voice that is the dark underbelly of Hollywood. I've never seen that dark underbelly. I see some egomaniacs who are bullshit and they're just annoying kids and other people who are fucking awesome humans who are lifting everybody and I'm like, fucking more of you motherfuckers.

Starting point is 00:48:35 Here's why, and I apologize to TC if he's hearing this. Here's why I can't do a movie with TC. Cause I will suck up to him nonstop. I will try to become his friend. I will, I probably will become his friend. And then when he says to me, yo, we're shooting in sub-Saharan Africa tomorrow. We're leaving London at like three in the morning.

Starting point is 00:48:57 So we did Namibia. We got a private. I was on his private jet from London to Namibia. And when he says, we're getting on the private jet, I go, cool. And when I get on the private jet and see that it's just waters, I'm gonna have a problem.

Starting point is 00:49:08 That happened. That's my real life. For real? This story happened, Bert. Okay, so that's- This story happened. I'm not saying I want to be number one, but I want, I definitely have a weird thing.

Starting point is 00:49:17 So hold on, hold on, hold on. Let me finish. Okay. Your example of your nightmare was my nightmare. We shot for three months in London. I brought my wife and kids. Then we had three weeks in Africa where I was doing all the stunts.

Starting point is 00:49:29 Did you tell me this story? Is that why I just said it to you? Keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going. So we had three weeks of stunts. I was legit nervous. Not fake nervous, real nervous. Like scared, like real pussy scared. Tom Cruise breaks his ankle and keeps going.

Starting point is 00:49:43 Yeah, that's what I mean. But I knew, and he also said to me the whole whole time we're gonna be in a two-shot keep up So I was scared so my family my wife and my kids are flying from London back home I have three weeks of stunts very little dialogue. We're just every day Grinding in Africa. I have a flight from whatever airlines they booked me on, first class, got the fucking little bed. I cannot wait to say goodbye to my family, who I love, and I don't drink or roll my kids. So I'm different, I'm a dad.

Starting point is 00:50:13 Alone on a plane, I'm back to being me, I'm a degenerate. Fucking throw him back, fat boy. Double jack on the rocks, I'll throw him off. Yeah, whatever you want, you got any snacks? Yeah. And then once you start getting nice with the flight attendant, whatever you have for snacks, I know I have a dairy thing, I'm gonna deal with it later.

Starting point is 00:50:28 Fatten old Jakey boy up, because we are having a nice 12 hours. When I land, I belong to him, and I'm gonna try my hardest, but I got 12 hours, I'm gonna let it rip. Fuck, yes. And I was excited. Honestly, and this is embarrassing to admit,

Starting point is 00:50:42 but it's like a fat kid around a candy store. I'd been thinking about that flight for weeks, and that's a true story. Cause I also knew like, I don't have the time to watch like three or four movies in real life. I'm like, I'm busy, I'm always grinding. I love grinding. So I'm like, 12 hours to sit in a little cube

Starting point is 00:50:56 and drink and watch stuff, I don't have it. I got it there and I'm being paid. I get a text from townspeople saying, Tom would like you on his private jet to run lines. Oh, and you know he's got a G6. Keep going. Yeah, what is the G6 maybe? It's the big one with the bed in the back.

Starting point is 00:51:10 Yes, he does. I know he does. Yes, so I go, is this negotiable? Cause I got a ticket, I'm leaving in two days. They're like, Tom would like you and Annabel Wallace, who's the lead in that and she's the best. The three of you are gonna go on and he wants to run lines. And I said like, is there alcohol on the plane?

Starting point is 00:51:31 I love that that was your first fucking question. You got 12 hours, man. 12 hours. And a little, and flying stuff, no alcohol. And Tom flies, he flies. Yeah, well, we would get on his from set in Africa to the hotel, he would fly a helicopter and we would get on his from set in Africa to the hotel. He would fly a helicopter and we would be on it.

Starting point is 00:51:47 So he would fly it. And the way it would work, and this is why you would love him, Bert, full wardrobe, mic'd. I'm dressed like an army guy. His head is secure in Mario, special forces, animal, real animal would go. Jake, you're coming with us.

Starting point is 00:52:03 We leave now. My clothes are in my trailer. You don't go back. You sprint to the with us. We leave now. My clothes are in my trailer. You don't go back. You sprint to the fucking helicopter. You know who else is running? Chubby little hair and makeup girls. Group eight people were running with Tom. Why are we running? No reason. You want to know when the helicopter leaves when he wants to leave? We're running. We're running. We get on. We buckle in side side door's open, take off.

Starting point is 00:52:25 Then he would go like this, hey guys, and then he'd be like, I've got, on my phone, I filmed him a bunch, because I'm like, you're the weirdest guy I've ever met. He would go like, you guys want to see the oldest part of Africa? And I'd be like, yes. Rear!

Starting point is 00:52:37 Rear! Oh, I take that back to you, see how I work with you in a heartbeat. That's what I'm saying. So then you get on the plane, right? And I'm thinking, so this is gonna be 12 hours of work We do 40 minutes of lines and then you realize pretty quickly He just wanted some company and there's no alcohol and then he's getting tired

Starting point is 00:52:52 You know we eat foods delicious, but it's nine o'clock We got nine hours ahead of us and he's getting ready to go to bed and I'm like he kind of fucked me You invited me to a sleepover party. You don't have Nintendo. I'm fucked my man So then he goes you guys want to watch a movie andabelle, who was Annabelle Wallace is a killer. She's so funny. She had the guts. I didn't. And she goes, yeah, we're looking for a good movie. You recommend anything? And he goes, like, yeah, well, there's I've got everything I've got like Apple TV or whatever he had. And she goes, well, can you pitch some good movies? And I go, anything with Tom Cruise in it? He then pitched his library as a joke. Bert, his bit timing, we were cry laughing.

Starting point is 00:53:31 He'd be like, if you like a romantic comedy with sports, he would then pitch that one. And everything, he went line by line. Oh, what movie do I watch with Tom Cruise on his jet with him? Pull up, hey, can you, can you look? Can you go look at that? Born on the 4th of July. Born, hey, can you, do we have, can you look? Born on the 4th of July.

Starting point is 00:53:46 Born, no, I'm not watching that one, that was depressing. It's a great performance. Madinolia, his performance in that is incredible. If I was on a private jet with Leonardo DiCaprio, first movie without a fucking doubt. Gilbert Grape. Dew Arnie, I wanna see Dew Arnie now as an adult. Fuck yes.

Starting point is 00:54:03 Dude, he was so good as Arnie. He was so good as Arnie. He was so good as Arnie. And you know, we can still do it. You know, I hosted the Golden Globes first. My first opening. Why would you host one of these things? Never. Why? I'm fucking not that comic. I'm not that coming. Meaning what?

Starting point is 00:54:16 Meaning like it's I talk about my life and I think I'm better at talking about my life. I would I've actually thought in in watching the Golden Globes, how I would have approached it, because I think it's hindsight's 20-20. I would have definitely- How do you think he did? I think he did great.

Starting point is 00:54:30 I thought, yeah. So I didn't see the show, I just saw backlash about him. And I don't know the man. And then I saw an eight minute clip and I was like, this is a good bit. This is a good bit. What's happening here?

Starting point is 00:54:43 You know, I didn't get two in the weeds good bit. What's happening here? No, it was, you know, I don't, I didn't get two in the weeds on it. I like Joe and I, when he did it, I was so excited for him that everything he said, I was like, fuck yeah, fuck yeah. Like sure there were some bombs in there. But what is, here's my question to you then. What do you think that is that all of a sudden

Starting point is 00:54:59 the headlines, because the reason I know about, I don't watch those award shows, I don't care about them. I don't care. Really? Couldn't care less. That whole- Even I care, I don't watch those award shows, I don't care about them. I don't care. Really? Couldn't care less. That whole... Even I care and I don't care. Like I really don't care.

Starting point is 00:55:10 Couldn't care less. Never. And I've been to them. When New Girl was getting nominated and Spider-Verse, even while I was on the stage during the Academy Awards when we won, it doesn't, there's, you know how certain things really like satisfy you and feel good?

Starting point is 00:55:24 Like when you said you didn't care about money, I could not relate to that. Money is the validation for me. Because that means it's like real, it's happening. Numbers, the analytics. I was talking to Leanne about this before when we first started, those, the numbers matter. So for the podcast we're here to help,

Starting point is 00:55:40 when we started doing that, I was like, I don't know, Gareth was really pushing it. And I'm like, I don't wanna do a fucking podcast. I didn. And I'm like, I don't want to do a fucking podcast. I didn't get it. He's like, you're gonna not only like it, but it's going to work. You're going to see when we started those numbers, cause I study the numbers of everything I do,

Starting point is 00:55:54 are dwarfing numbers of big corporate stuff. And I'm like, by the way, thank you for doing our show. But I'm like, how could these numbers, and at that time we didn't even have a studio. We're filming zoom. But I'm like, how could these numbers, and at that time we didn't even have a studio, we're filming Zoom. But I'm like, these numbers are beating the numbers of this show at these numbers. And that's when I started getting like fucking exciting, man.

Starting point is 00:56:14 But the idea of an award show, you're paying a publicist, you're paying a stylist, you have to go to an event that is not fun to be at for a network to make money on ad sales. And a guy like him who does a set he got 10 days before How could the headlines not be like great job? They need the the news cycles have learned what podcasting did originally which was say wild shit and people tune in And how interesting it does it doesn't it doesn't pay to go Joe Coy did just solid job. Yeah solid job, man. Can you believe this guy got it in 10 days?

Starting point is 00:56:52 I had 10 days to prepare and this is what he did. It's pretty good You know a comic who's never been who's never been in the movies the scale of these guys hung with the I'm crushed. I mean listen. I'm not I'm definitely not and I have been in the business, but I'm not in the business of trashing comics. I have done it before, but, uh, but like I just, I always try to find the bright side of what people do. And all I can tell you is I would have done worse. Yeah. I would have done Joe killed it in my perspective because me on there, I would have been nervous. I would have been sweating.

Starting point is 00:57:24 I would have been shirtless, I would have been like who the fuck's this guy? My opening joke I already figured out, like in hindsight how I would have approached it. What would it have been? I would have said, I would have gone, I would have mentioned my movie obviously. Hey guys, I don't know, I'm sure you guys all know me

Starting point is 00:57:40 from my major motion picture, the machine, Lawrence Scorsese, I hope you saw it. Yeah, great, for sure. DeNiro, we went out to you, you passed, the machine. Lauren Scorsese, I hope you saw it. Yeah, great. DeNiro, we went out to you. He passed. Big mistake. Killer Flower Moon, kind of long. But anyway, but then I would have immediately gone.

Starting point is 00:57:53 Leonardo DiCaprio's here, who remember? I would have also opposed it that I'd only seen one of those movies. I'd only seen Tenant, not Tenant, Chris Nolan, Oppenheimer. So all my jokes would have been around Oppenheimer. That's my angle is I would have just been like hit. I've only seen one of your movies. I'm not watching them all. So like, but let's get into it. Yeah. Hey, Nick Cage is here. Did you see? So I want to hear fun trivia to be to interrupt for a

Starting point is 00:58:19 second about what's eating Gilbert grape. Yeah. the... I can tell you fun trivia too. Go tint for tat. Mine's gonna be more fun. Then let me start with mine. Fine. The mom lived till like 74. Good for her.

Starting point is 00:58:35 Yeah, right? God bless her. God bless her. Same. I also think you're lying. Google that, Google that. I could be lying. I think that's a lie.

Starting point is 00:58:43 I'm not lying, but I think my memories are weird. I read stuff and then I know how it makes me feel You started this with sucking dick doesn't make you gay and I would be about him her mom was her name was Bonnie Grape No Died in 2017 at the age of six 69 69 close enough I Read the fact and I tell I tell you the information of how the fact meant well Also, she lost 240 pounds in 2012 After a series of health issues in 2010 that nearly killed the god damn woman reader

Starting point is 00:59:20 I didn't read all I'm like now if she stayed that ready ready for another fact I don't forget your fact. I can't read all of it. I didn't read all. I'm like, I'm like. Now if she stayed that time. You ready? You ready for another fact? Don't forget your fact. I can't. This is a fact I feel like I read, but then I like to tell everyone what I read. And it may probably not accurate. You created drunk history. Yes, no.

Starting point is 00:59:36 I was. Just leave it at that. You created drunk history. No, I was the original drunk for drunk history. Yes. But you were talking to the guy. Derek Waters, who you would love What's eating Gilbert grape? Don't let me forget. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So he and I so

Starting point is 00:59:53 You and I are similar in that we both like to party. We both like to work hard. So especially pre-kits So it was that why I didn't even work hard before kids was that I didn't even work hard before kids. I phoned it in. I love by the way, for the first time one I closed. I said pre kids and you're like, I phoned it in. Amazing. I flexed my white privilege. Your back story about college is incredible. It's incredible. There's no reason anyone should like me. It's an incredible backstory.

Starting point is 01:00:25 Anyway. Oh, you know what you should make as a movie? Van Wilder again, but with you as the guy. And you know like Rodney Dangerous, we went back to school. Yeah. Back to school where you're a fucking, whatever you go back to school at a certain point in your life

Starting point is 01:00:41 and you go, you motherfuckers don't know how to party the way we used to. I'm gonna show you how to do college. I killed those kids. You killed those kids. No more sucking dick. No more sucking dick. You guys have convinced me.

Starting point is 01:00:53 All right, never mind, I'm sucking dick. Let's fucking go. So here's my trivia. The older sister in that movie, Mary Kate Schallhart, I dated throughout, we went to the same high school. We moved out to, we came out to LA together, stayed in a hostel. You made the cake?

Starting point is 01:01:10 Yeah, she made the cake. Yes, Mary Kate Schellhart was in my high school. We grew up together. She was the only actress in our whole town. She had that movie poster in her basement. She had Apollo 13. She's a really talented woman. She went to Carnegie Mellon and in high school

Starting point is 01:01:25 we ended up dating at the end of high school into college. And I was around her during that whole period as what we came out here, she had a pilot season when we were 18, we stayed at a hostel on Hollywood Boulevard while she was auditioning. I would walk with her to auditions and then that's a pretty good trivia. Yes, it's good that the mom lived.

Starting point is 01:01:43 That's way better than mine. Mary Kitch Hallhart. I just watched that whole movie beginning. She's a pretty good trivia. Yes, it's good that the mom lived. That's way better than mine. Mary K. Shaw Hart. I just watched that whole movie. She's a great actress, by the way. I watched that whole movie beginning to end the other night. It's a fucking awesome movie. It really delivers. I didn't realize that the grandma and Julia,

Starting point is 01:01:57 Julia Louise Dreyfus, not Julia Louise Dreyfus. It's a different movie with her. Grandma. Lewis. Yeah. Why is he? Why is he climbing? Um, uh, the what was I saying? I don't know. Oh, that they left for a full year. They left

Starting point is 01:02:17 Arnie and Gilbert for a full year at the end of the movie. They go for a full year on the road with their caravan and come back and pick them up. Wild. I know it really is a great movie. You want to hear another trivia about Johnny Depp? You might know this. Hold on. Let's take our time. Are you a big JD guy?

Starting point is 01:02:35 I got a voicemail from him. Saying? Bert. Johnny. Hey, I understand you like to have a couple of drinks like the party. Going over my house. Really? We'll take to the address.

Starting point is 01:02:49 Do you have it? I fucking new phone because of goddamn fucking Internet. And I lost. Or I probably fucked it up. No, me. I gave out my phone number. And so I'm not the smartest guy. OK. And and Johnny.

Starting point is 01:03:04 Johnny Duff and I was at a Christmas party, uh, with my kids, and I left. I said, guys, Johnny Depp called. I'm gonna go party with Johnny Depp. And? He wasn't there. I spent the night at his house. Wait, what? I went to his house, spent the night in his house,

Starting point is 01:03:20 partied by myself with Stan Hope. Stan Hope was there. This is the weirdest story I've ever heard. We ended up, he's like, Johnny should be back any minute now. Hold on, Johnny Depp invited you to a party. You went, he wasn't there. Doug Stan Hope was there.

Starting point is 01:03:33 I mean, Stan Hope stayed in Johnny Depp's house. Just party. Just drinking cold beers and then whiskey. And then I slept in Johnny Depp's bed. Really? I slept in Johnny Depp's bed and it was like John Snow's bed. There was like a wolf cover. I mean, I mean, I'm sorry, Johnny. It was like, it was like the crazy, I mean, I spent the whole night walking through his house looking at his shit. Why wouldn't you? And it was like,

Starting point is 01:03:56 He'd be a maniac not to. Johnny Depp's my, my big white whale. I got a couple big white whales I want to party with. Yeah. Who are they? Top three? Well, I know this isn't popular, but I want to catch Ben Affleck on a fall off the wagon night. I want to catch him. Seems fun. Like I want to be. Ben Affleck when he's, so I have a sad Ben Affleck story. And it was the beginning of when I realized my career wasn't what I thought it was going to be. It was, you know, you have your dreams. Yeah. Oh, I still have them. Yes, and your dreams, for me, my dream was always like

Starting point is 01:04:29 doing cool stuff and cool people thinking it was cool, right? And you know, just doing the good, whatever the quote unquote the good stuff is, that was the idea. Yeah, still is. And not for me. And New Girl started and I knew it wasn't the cool show, but had a fan base. And when you go back to the five grand,

Starting point is 01:04:48 I was making money, I had never been making. I was pretty fired up. So we get an idea too, they contact us and say, do you want to host an award show called like the do write awards? And I said, no, thank you, I'm not a host. And they said a LeMourne would really like to. And the rate was something like 20 grand.

Starting point is 01:05:04 A LeMourne? LeMourne who's in the show with me, a really good friend. Oh the rate was something like 20 grand. A Lamorne? Lamorne who's in the show with me, really good friend. Oh, sorry, I'm sorry, yeah. I love the idea of a Lamorne and I'm gonna talk to him about that. He will refer to us a Lamorne. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, is he the black dude? Yes.

Starting point is 01:05:15 Yeah, okay. Oh, he's one of them. Damon's the other black dude. Damon was in that? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know. Yeah, Damon was in the pilot and then I can- You know what, I costed him one night.

Starting point is 01:05:23 About, oh wait, Were we gonna call Damon? Oh, we're FaceTiming Damon to find out if he finds an offensive one British dude do black dude's accent Should I call him right now? Hold on hold on don't fucking forget the bed of flex story. Okay, so Anyhow, they say that Lamorne was Damon Wayne's junior knows who I am. Yes. I'm sure he does Damon is an everyday text buddy. Really? Yeah, love them. We've tried to put things together He is the best to work with he's an unthinkably good writer great stand-up This is his family is pedigree. It's pedigree matters that shit matters his family's OGS

Starting point is 01:05:57 You notice they didn't come up with cap Williams is my law You know, it's hard about being around somebody who's like pedigree like that when you look at your family lineage and you go like you got Damon senior you got all these uncles these cousins I look at my group and I'm like What are we doing? Who bragged about getting a blowjob from a man. And it, and then hustled me a chest. So like, I love chess now, but Eddie used to play chess with me and he was like, you know, my dad wasn't around growing up.

Starting point is 01:06:31 I thought like, I guess this is fatherhood. Because let me, let me teach you to play chess. We would play chess every day he would teach me. And then all of a sudden I started beating him. Was that dad character in the movie? Did it have anything to do with you? No, Chris, like, so my dad in real life was a cocaine guy to him. He was gone from two to 17,

Starting point is 01:06:48 but then we became the best of friends. Yeah, and then hold on, fuck, fuck, fuck. Go to Ben Affleck and then I wanna know, fucking God damn it, Bert, keep going. Ben Affleck, Ben Affleck. I'm so bad at tracking, cause I just let the conversation go where it goes. But I've listened to podcasts where the host doesn't listen and it drives me fucking

Starting point is 01:07:11 nuts. So I'm working really hard on listening. You're doing a good job. Also your body's looking good, Bert. I was in the gym with you when you were fat or staring at a fat photo of you throwing out a first pitch. And you must have said 10 times, I hate that photo. I fucking hate that photo. I hate that photo. And a lot of fat guys have said that and then you see them six months later and you go, you're that photo. You might hate it, my guy.

Starting point is 01:07:32 You lost three pounds and you're going, dude, I'm walking up hills now and I go, you're still about 300 pounds. Oh, dude, I can do a setup now. Keep going, keep going, benefit. So the way the award show did, they told each of us the other ones wanted to do it and we were all good friends on that show. So I go like, I don't want to keep money out of their mouth to all do it. So long story short, we're hosting an award show, which I didn't know what it was. I didn't do any homework on it. We get to this thing. It's a big hanger in Santa Monica.

Starting point is 01:07:57 Teleprompters hosting, not my gag. I'm not a stand up. Not what I like. Not what I aspire to. So I didn't even look at the bits. So one of them was we're dressed in like white pants and red shirts and we're doing like a boys band thing. And my vibe is I don't care what my thoughts are until you get on stage and then fucking sell it. Whatever you think before, once the lights come on,

Starting point is 01:08:22 I'm a believer in now dance, motherfucker, because this is what you do for a living. So have your cool opinions, the lights go on, hello, whatever you guys want, I'm trying, even though I'm bad at it. Me too. That's our job. And I believe that's what we do. We have great lives for it. Shut the fuck up and dance.

Starting point is 01:08:40 So that's what we're doing. So we're doing like some stupid bits. I'm reading the teleprompter, I'm just like, sick as fuck, so I'm reading slow. Don't mis. I'm dyslexic as fuck So I'm reading slow Don't mispronounce easy words and look like you're a true idiot. I'm going at one point I'm on max greenfields back as he's doing push-ups Bert. I don't even know the bit we're doing but I do know nobody's laughing I Know that we're in front of thousands of people going hate these guys Yeah, and I'm literally going like this. I think yeah

Starting point is 01:09:04 I look to the side of the stage and there's a bunch of people sitting on the side watching too who I hadn't noticed yet because I was looking this way. And Ben Affleck's in the front row. I guess he had something he was being awarded for for his good behavior. And he was doing the mad Ben Affleck.

Starting point is 01:09:19 And we finished the thing and I get Ben's stage and I go to Max Greenfield and I go like, fuck, Ben Affleck's here and he hates us. And he was like, yeah, man, our show is not for cool people. Your career is not what you thought. And Ben Affleck hates you. And he was just doing Argo and I had this moment of like, he's right. Dude, but that's the fucking.

Starting point is 01:09:41 That's the thing I started telling you about that Bernie Mac clip. Yes. And the thing is You don't have to be for everybody. Yeah, agreed. You really don't have to be for everyone I will never be accepted by the Hollywood elite and I only know that because I was never accepted by the Comedy elite the comedy lead it wasn't until I started doing arenas that the comedy elite started reaching out and being like hey Can I you know? I'd love to be on your podcast and then and you're like I've been a fan of you for fucking 20 years Of course, even still even if I lie so here's what I will say on that because I'm going through a huge change that connects to that

Starting point is 01:10:16 Yeah, I've always thought you make projects for critics to like so that the town likes and that means the gatekeepers allow you to make another one. What this new era of podcasting people have showed me, it's the only thing that matters is the audience. That seems so basic, but that has not been the structure of the game. The structure of the game is the Hollywood elite, whatever that thing is, and that's not just fake, dark conspiracy.

Starting point is 01:10:42 People pretend it's one thing. It's not. It's high school. Just a few conspiracy. People pretend it's one thing, it's not. It's high school. Just a few people. But those agents, those managers, those PR, whatever that circle is, I don't know, I'm not in it. They need to approve.

Starting point is 01:10:54 The critics all need to approve whatever this agenda is, whatever it's I'm trying to do. And if you're in there, you're gonna get lifted up. But then when they decide to knock you down, you're knocked down. Then over here is an ocean of audience. And I'm like, why are we facing this way? Shouldn't we be doing what we all did when we started?

Starting point is 01:11:13 When I started up, I had a two-man comedy show with my buddy Oliver Ryle, and we toured the country with it. We wrote a sketch show, and we improvised. We would just go directly to audience. If the audience didn't laugh, we would sit in the apartment, get really mad and rewrite it.

Starting point is 01:11:27 Now all of a sudden it changed as opposed to like, well, what did everybody think? Well, the audience didn't seem to like it, but we got these notes, the notes are good, so we're good. And now I'm going back to the first time in years, which makes me feel like I'm 25 again. The only thing that matters is the fucking audience.

Starting point is 01:11:44 Who cares about all this other shit if people show up for you You're winning. I would argue even sometimes It benefits you to do stuff and I'm using Rogan as the example of this But I know for a fact and I you triggered me when you said the word If you and if they didn't like it you went back here. Yes. I remember I got offered the man show at a really weird time. It was gone for a while. And I got a call. It was in Edmonton and they said, Hey, we want to give you the man show.

Starting point is 01:12:18 Would you do it? And immediately I was like, fuck yeah. I mean, I have huge respect for Kimmel for Corolla for Joe for Doug. And I was like, wait yeah. I mean, I have huge respect for Kimmel, for Corolla, for Joe, for Doug. And I was like, and I said- Wait, the second thing was Rogan and Doug's handhook? Yeah, they did it again. Weird.

Starting point is 01:12:32 And so I called Joe. Apologize, Joe, if I'm speaking out of school, but you're my friend and I'll apologize to you in person. But Joe told me, do not do it. You'll be putting TV time out. And he said, that's the way this business works. They put you in TV time out and I've been there and you don't want to be there. And he's like, just the things are changing. And you can do your

Starting point is 01:12:52 own thing. Just do your own thing. Like just do it. I'm not saying that he said do it with Tom. But I know for a fact that I the next call I made was Tom. I said, Hey, I got off the man show. Do you want to do it with me? And Tom said, No, he said, we could just do it. And ultimately, I think we did do our version of it, our thing. But but you're you're you're totally right. But I would argue in the same token is that Joe taught us that not. And and I say this with massive respect is that he would do things

Starting point is 01:13:22 that as an audience member, Joe's audience, always been a fan of Joe's yeah That um, I didn't know I liked I didn't know what I wanted I didn't know but it but Joe is like you trust me. I'm curious as fuck. He is the most curious man. You'll ever meet Trust me as as my fan And I promise I'll bring you good shit and that's the other part of that is that the industry never trusted anybody. They trusted Martin Scorsese, they trusted the big names, but they were like, I need to put my fingers on that.

Starting point is 01:13:52 I need to make it dirty. No one would have ever let Joe bring in people that denied AIDS to his podcast for three and a half hours. But I listened to that episode. I can tell you, I was skateboarding, listening to it, fascinated, called Joe and was like, dude, I don't know what the fuck you're doing, but man you got me listening to shit I would never listen to and I love it because it's shit out of my realm

Starting point is 01:14:10 Yeah, and that's the other cool thing about what's going on is like you can trust in yourself and go I want to make the thing I want to make the thing that I think the fans like and Here's the catch of that because I totally agree so what we're finding in our podcast and why I'm getting addicted to it is You get to see the numbers. So we'll have a thing like there was a guy who was dressing up like or pretending to be me in bars. So this really happened.

Starting point is 01:14:34 I talked about it on Kimmel, but I got a note from a girl. I got a DM from some random 20 year old girl. And I look at the DMs as much as I can. I think it's fun to go back and forth. Some random girl said, it was really nice to meet you last night. I don't go out a lot at night. Yeah. So I go, you didn't meet me last

Starting point is 01:14:51 night. She goes, yes I did at the Reindance Festival and you gave me such sweet advice. And I said like, I need to be very clear the person who gave you advice wasn't me and she sent me a photo of the guy. Please let me see this. Well, it was, yeah, that guy. So she sent me that photo. The guy in the does look like you. I know. So then I said to my wife, I go, what do you think?

Starting point is 01:15:12 And she goes, same eyes. Right? So I was like, okay. So then I said to the girl I'm going this, I need to be crystal clear with you. Did this dude try to fuck you? Because if he did, I'm gonna be honest, as a dad of daughters, I hate this motherfucker.

Starting point is 01:15:28 So- By the way, I hate him if he's trying to fuck people with my name anyway. But anyway, but either way. Call me up, where's double teamer? I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Starting point is 01:15:36 I'm kidding. But as it turned, I was like, I had that feeling of like, this shit could get dark. She said, no. She goes, he was really sweet and he bought a top shelf a booze for all of us. And he really cared about all of our relationships. So I was like, all right, this shit's funny.

Starting point is 01:15:53 So then I found out his friend owns a Viagra company called my Mango. So I go, what? So she goes, yeah, they were giving free mango out. So I got on Instagram, I found mango, I found the guy. I had a photo of him. So I sent this guy Jacob Cohen who runs mango off photo. He does, Jake too.

Starting point is 01:16:10 Yes, and I said, hey bud, I know you were with a guy pretending to be me. I have proof of it. I'm not like, I know you guys didn't try to fuck anybody, I know you're not creeps. Let's have this fun, right? Yeah. But I need fake Jake's info. Let's have this fun, right? But I need fake Jake's info.

Starting point is 01:16:26 And I'd posted things on Instagram like fake Jake, I'm coming for you, I need to talk to you, but we have to have this chat. And he wrote back like, I promise you it was nothing dark, here's his info. So I contact the guy and I say like, hey man, I'm not coming after you, I'm not that guy. I'm not setting you up for me and Gareth to kill you.

Starting point is 01:16:42 We're gonna be nice. But just come on the show and let's figure this out. So fake Jake comes on the podcast, we do a whole thing. We're here to help, which is, you know, call, well, we're helping me figure this out. So we have them on, we do the thing. We didn't have to run that by anybody. It's just a two off.

Starting point is 01:16:58 That's not the structure of our show. We go right back to calls. Had I pitched that, and I know this because I had a company at 20th century for five years. I had a production company. I've developed movies, TV shows, I've done all that. As soon as I pitched that, people go, here's the problem with it.

Starting point is 01:17:15 The fake Jake is not your premise. You're right. But we're just wanna give the audience this, and I think they're gonna like it, and I think the audience is smart enough to then realize it's just too off. And they were. And that was when my beginning went like,

Starting point is 01:17:29 if I had to pitch this, it dies. But if I just give it to the audience, we'll see and if people don't like calls, we started doing too much shit about sex. We started seeing our numbers go down and a bunch of people were writing in like, hey man, I'm a mother with a young kid grossing me out. And even my wife went like, I'm doing dishes, like hearing about an orgy's gross.

Starting point is 01:17:46 We went like, it's really funny to me, but let's cool back a little bit. The numbers went up. The way I look at life, especially with my marriage, and I think sometimes I go too far, too far north on it, but like, I'm in a weird relationship. I'm a weird person, cause I wasn't a big sex guy to begin with I

Starting point is 01:18:05 am a sex guy I love sex and me question for you and if I'm talking about a school so women women if I'm talking out of school cut it but I don't think I am because I know I know I'm never talking so now that you're doing testosterone yeah does it change that my dick's hard all the time is it yeah it's hard when it shouldn't be as much, we have a hard time. Cut it if this makes you uncomfortable. We have a hard time because my dick will be hard, but I won't be able to have an orgasm. And I'm that's never happened to me.

Starting point is 01:18:35 Never happened to me. Leanne called it the other night. I hope this isn't streaming downstairs. Leanne called it the other night. She was like, no, I know where we're going with this and this will be like an hour because it just is hard. It's hard. It's hard all of the fucking time. And what's your goal? Where are you getting with your body? Just to come.

Starting point is 01:18:51 No. Ha ha ha. It's a blow load. What is the goal, Bernie? Because you're changing physically. Oh. Are you going to try to be six pack guy? I mean, I would love to.

Starting point is 01:19:03 I remember hearing people say to me a lot in my life, if I lost weight, I wouldn't be funny anymore. I don't think that's, by the way, I think I never thought I was funny to begin with. So I don't know what you're talking about. It leaves me in shape now. If you're telling me it was my belly, I'll gain it back. No, I-

Starting point is 01:19:20 Happily. I would, I don't, I'm still fat. Like if I take my shirt off, I'm still like I'm still 230 pounds is still overweight I would love To be in shape and feel that only because of health benefits of like it feels good It does feel different to get out of a couch Yeah, like to swiftly get out of a couch or to like today I was doing knees to chest like things and it

Starting point is 01:19:46 felt good to have full range of motion. That all that feels good. I just want to feel good. Like it's, it's my same thing with drinking is like, it's like, I don't want to quit drinking, but I definitely want to measure it so that I can keep drinking. That's what my buddy Steve Berge said. He does, sweet guy does a podcast called High Strangeness, and he's my old party buddy. And he said to me with drinking, he was like, because I had a period when I moved out of water, we rented a house and all of a sudden a bunch of Hollywood was coming to the TG bar with me,

Starting point is 01:20:16 and my backyard became like the center. And I would make big fire pits, and we were drinking like crazy. It was early new girl. I love it, I love it. You got money. You get, and by the way, your demographic and I would make big fire pits and we were drinking like crazy. It was early new girl. I love it, I love it. It was so- You got money. And by the way, your demographic is all fucking chicks

Starting point is 01:20:29 who are like, he gets us. Well, I mean, sadly they got people I'm talking about, we're not like chicks coming over. It was like young director dudes. That's still cool as shit. It was, but it didn't- It's like being around, being around- What you started pitching was different.

Starting point is 01:20:40 I would argue in a pivot that I would rather be around creatives than hot chicks. And guess what? Here's the best, when it's both. When you've got like a hundred percent. So what we were starting to form in that at water is people who weren't blowing up yet, but were further along than me. And what was happening is we were meeting at the TG, then we were walking to my house in the backyard,

Starting point is 01:21:05 having a fire, smoking joints and partying all night. And it was really a fun era. And this was right at the beginning of New Girl, right after pay part, there was a few movies that I was doing where I was like, anybody I would meet, it's kind of what you guys do with podcasts, which I'm now trying to copy. You meet somebody, you like them,

Starting point is 01:21:21 you bring them into the fold. But we were just doing that just now. By the way, I can't take credit for any of that, nor can any podcaster, Joe Rogan gets entire credit for that because he was the first one to say, we're all in the same team. Which is really cool. It's dude.

Starting point is 01:21:35 It's really cool. When comedy goes down in history, Joe Rogan's name will be right next to Rodney Dangerfields as a dude who brought Pyeong Comics off. Yeah, that's neat. It's true, but keep going, Atwater Village. But so I had a moment where what I was doing was I was drinking a ton of Stole

Starting point is 01:21:53 because you're partying with everybody. And I was on TV so I couldn't get too fat. And then what I would realize is when everybody left and I'm putting the fire out, you're smoking the last joint of the night, I had this great realization and that was if I just go to bed now, I'm getting the spins. I'm crashing on a couch.

Starting point is 01:22:12 I feel like shit tomorrow is terrible. I take one bad minute. I barf in my backyard in the morning. The Coons eat it, man. You don't even see it. So my thought was one bad minute for a full day. And guess what? I'm drunk.

Starting point is 01:22:29 I can live through a bad minute. Man, it's the equivalent of you getting butt fucked, right? And wanting to experience, put me in the setup. Put me in the bad minute and let me vacation with that dude. And let me enjoy it. Yeah, let me enjoy. I probably will. I hear prostate exams or orgasms are pretty intense.

Starting point is 01:22:43 Prostate exams? No, prostate. There's been Googling prostate orgasm. It never does not even. Have you had a prostate exam yet? Yep. Yeah. Yeah. No, I had a colonoscopy.

Starting point is 01:22:53 You had a colonoscopy? But I did the PS, I did the PS exam. I'm really nervous about that. Oh, don't. Really? Don't, you don't have it. That's the whole thing. I mean, this to anyone is nervous.

Starting point is 01:23:03 Yeah, really nervous. My dad didn't get his first one until he was like 65 yeah, that's when you're nervous Interesting. Yeah, if you're shooting blood if you're shooting blood, that's when you're nervous If you get it that's the the thing about doctors god damn it I want to get back to the subject Doctors that are really that is that should relax you if you're listening and you're nervous about getting a cardiologist or getting a prostate exam or getting a colonoscopy

Starting point is 01:23:29 is that if you don't have any signs right now, you can stop it all. You can stop it all. Everything's fixable. Everything's fucking fixable. You want to hear some scary, Burke? You want to hear some scary? God damn it.

Starting point is 01:23:40 Please tell me I'm wrong. Go ahead. No, I don't know if you're wrong. Buddy of mine, one of my kids have their best friends, right? There's a little gang that we've grown up with. So these five little girls, I have three of them and are two. I know I'm all like little cousins.

Starting point is 01:23:52 The dad over there is a brain surgeon. We used to share a backyard. We cut a hole in the fence. The kids all grew up together. Love those little kids. So get really close with the parents. He and I were talking one day and having a couple of drinks and he had a rough day at work or whatever.

Starting point is 01:24:06 And he goes, you know the fifth leading cause of death in America? And I go, no, and he goes, checking into the hospital. Have a great night. Thank you guys so much for having me. Self-reliance January 12th on Hulu. We're here to help anywhere you can get your podcast. And guess what?

Starting point is 01:24:24 We're on YouTube too. And TikTok. How scary is that? You wanna know why? Infections and you know why? I asked for mistakes. Cause guess what? You know who's operating on your burdo?

Starting point is 01:24:36 Who's opening your chest? A guy who drank too much the night before. Cause these are not robots, my guy. These are just fucking, these are just fucking goobers man. Who studied facts. My guy just got out of surgery like four hours ago. Oh wow.

Starting point is 01:24:53 And his nerve block didn't take. So he asked how was the pain? He goes, are you serious? They gave me a brand new hip and I didn't have any painkillers in me. I can't, honestly, it scares me so bad. My dad, before he passed, I had a moment where I was having like a urinary tract infection

Starting point is 01:25:12 or something and I was really scared. Then I go, dad, I think what they have to do is put a camera up my dick hole. And he's like, okay, because he had cancer. He's like, okay, I understand what you're going through. You're panicking. I'm like, not panicking. I might just be willing to die from this.

Starting point is 01:25:29 I would rather die from this. I've done them with tooth problems. Keep going. I would rather die than check this out. And he gave me great advice. And he said, whenever you go to any sort of doctor, you tell them, I have a high tolerance to drugs and a low tolerance to pain.

Starting point is 01:25:46 And I did it. I did it with a dentist. They said I had to get something ripped out in the back and I gave the Croco, that's my dad's nickname, his thing. They drugged me to a level where I was like, hmm, America's great. Plus coming down, I'm like, I really love my country. I think I like it here.

Starting point is 01:26:08 And I was like, oh, that works. So that's my only saving grace. My only saving, other thing I think about when I get older, when diseases start, I started doing jujitsu. And the reason I started doing jujitsu is not because I like it or because I'm good at it, because I'm bad at it. And I got hurt literally by stretching. That's a sad truth reality. I have bad at it. And I got hurt literally by stretching. That's a sad truth reality.

Starting point is 01:26:25 I have taken a month off because I got hurt literally doing a role, not fighting people. But we are about to enter the phase where we're gonna have to start fighting some real stuff. And we better be tough. Old people are the toughest motherfuckers on planet earth because they fight it. They're fighting broken hips.

Starting point is 01:26:44 You'll see a 78 year old person, you'll see them, you'll see them all fragile and you're like, you're fucking tougher than me. If you're still on planet Earth and you're in your mid eighths, the shit you've dealt with where they're like, couldn't take a dump, it turned into a rock. I had to pull it out with my hands.

Starting point is 01:26:59 I'm like, pass, I'll rather die. These guys do that, they call that Wednesday. I'll rather die. These guys do that. They call that Wednesday. I could rather die, but I don't know. I don't know. I don't know if there was like a, if there was like a calendar where God could point to it and go, that's the day you should die.

Starting point is 01:27:08 I agree. Everything after that really sucks. I saw it. I listened to this great podcast about, I think it was either, it was heavyweight, which was an awesome podcast about somebody who went to Sweden and, you know, he was a big fan of the, he was a big fan of the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, I think it was either, it was Heavyweight, which was an awesome podcast, about somebody who went to Sweden and had a, you know, it was Alzheimer's

Starting point is 01:27:32 or dementia knew was gonna happen. So they just went out there and they found a doctor who ended their life. And it was from the wife's point of view. And it was the whole story of it. Hysterically crying as sweet as it gets and the greatest ending. The guy, she said, he was such a chatter.

Starting point is 01:27:48 He talked to everybody all the time and was really asking questions. And minutes before he died, he's asking the nurses where he'd be like, so where'd you go to high school, honey? And she's like, and then all of a sudden he got a little tired. He's like, ooh, I gotta lay down.

Starting point is 01:28:03 And he's like, well, one last question. He's like, so you're telling me that's the best coffee shop in town And she goes then he laid down and closed his eyes and died and I thought like oh That's the way to go again self-reliance Is the way to go the other day I kind of want to go fighting an animal No, you don't. I do. I'll tell you why. No, because I heard why.

Starting point is 01:28:26 I saw footage today actually of two tigers killing a version of a wild pig. Its intestines had been ripped out. No, no, no, no, no, but it hadn't died yet. Okay, maybe I was wrong. So if you fight an animal, they don't go like this. Before we eat this chubby stomach and these thighs full of meat,

Starting point is 01:28:47 let's make sure he's not suffering. They go like this, we got this motherfucker. Oh yeah, yeah, I made it wrong. Your insides are like this, no! They'll do what they want to you. I just think I don't know if I want to sit with it for a few years. I don't want to sit with it.

Starting point is 01:29:00 I don't know if I want to sit with it or if it just happens to me. And I think in my delusional brain, I got this. And then realize, fuck, is that my lower half swimming over there? Like I don't know, I think about, I think about death way too much. I think about it every morning.

Starting point is 01:29:15 Me too, constantly. Every morning I think about it. So do you think with your new longevity stuff, what do you see about that? Because for a lot of people who aren't doing that, who don't have those guys myself included, what does that mean? What is this guy doing for you?

Starting point is 01:29:28 What's he helping with? They take Ways to Wells, my company that I work with out of Austin. They take- I'll say it too. If you guys want Ways to Wells out of Austin. Shout out to Brigham. Shout out to Brigham. Brigham has hit me up.

Starting point is 01:29:42 He's like, I feel weird talking about you on podcasts by wanting to celebrate your success. But you know, I don't, you know, I guess it's a weird thing to have a longevity doctor. Unless it works, man. But what they do is I remember when I sat with, I wish I knew or remembered her name, but when I sat with my first intake doctor, who she'd given me in reviews, stem cells, she'd done everything for me. She said, I'm just here to take a look at your numbers and write those numbers. So we're going to take a look at what you got and then fix those numbers.

Starting point is 01:30:14 So we're going to take a look at, you know, I know your lifestyle, I know what you do. So let's try to just level you out. And the number one thing, the reason I went with them is my cardiologist said, are your testosterone's low? Do you know that testosterone repairs your liver? And I said, I didn't. And he said, well, you should know that. And he said, and keto is like the best thing for your liver.

Starting point is 01:30:37 And so those two things for me, and I think also at the same time, I wanted, I knew, I know better now having had conversations with people in my life that have shared things with me that I didn't know were happening. I know now how out of control I was. Like I didn't know, you don't know when you're out of control. You really just feel like I'm getting shit done.

Starting point is 01:31:02 I was making a ton of money. Things were working. Everyone was working. Everyone was working. Yeah, yeah. We're finally fucking doing it. That thing is happening. Yeah. The only thing I regret, I regret and this is a weird subtle regret. I regret my podcast presence from March of 2003 to like July. You said 2003? 2023, 2023. To July 2023 because I was,

Starting point is 01:31:29 I was rolling in hot to everything. Meaning what? Meaning like I was, I had days, every day was a 10 hour, 12 hour day of press activities. And so I don't think I ever put thought into anything I ever said. And I would just roll in fucking booze in.

Starting point is 01:31:45 And I'd get up at six in the morning, I'd work out, and I would often be drunk from my night before when I worked out, and I would just be like, fucking shoot testosterone, work out, fucking. I was like, I thought I was on it, and I looked back at myself, and I remember one interview which I thought was brilliant. I really did think was like fun as fuck as shit.

Starting point is 01:32:07 It was with Jodorosa and Salvo Cano and I look back and I realize I can see it. Not only do you know if you can see it, but I can see how out of control I was. And I think that was actually even before this. But like I can just see this guy that was like on a freight train and I know this from shit having conversations with my family who said I was just, I was not listening to anyone I had blinders on. For me, it was about, I had this thing,

Starting point is 01:32:34 make hay while the sun shines. People are buying tickets to shows. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. You got a special remote. You got a movie remote. You got a TV show. And it was like, everything was like this. And now I look back and I go

Starting point is 01:32:45 I wish I had been a tad bit more present in those interviews Yeah, I don't like I remember Andrew Schultz and I did a podcast and I And he brought a clown out. I'm afraid of clowns and my reaction is so over the top But that's where my nerves were at the time. My nerves were so frayed from everything that when a clown walked in the room, I lost it, I lost it bad. And I look back and now I feel like I'd be a little more present.

Starting point is 01:33:13 I'd be a little freaked out, but I wouldn't be that freaked out. But I was just so gone. I was gone. And I had a great conversation with my daughter this past weekend about that. And I was like, I didn't, I don't think I realized like just how hard I was pushing it.

Starting point is 01:33:29 And so I think now I'm trying to like get a little, and but the whole thing about the Longjabby Doctor was like they, they, they got me to a place where that when I, when I kind of had grounding after fully loaded, I got grounded. And when I started getting in shape, all of a sudden everything righted itself. Like everything fucking went to normal. Like everything. My bloating went away. My sleep, my heart rate dropped. My heart rate was like 72 beats per minute, my resting

Starting point is 01:33:56 heart rate. And now it's like 55. And I look at that and I go, wow, you get a fine amount of heart beats. And here I am burning it, trying to make money still. I mean, that's, it's not like- But it changed, there's a moment. So I had, when I was at, when my wife was pregnant with my daughters, I had a moment where it was, they were, she was about four months pregnant

Starting point is 01:34:15 and I was at New Girl. And I used to drink at work. I used to have a thing that after 6 p.m., remember the Goonies? Yeah. Up here is their time, but down here, down here is our time. I always felt once the sun went down and you were at work,

Starting point is 01:34:28 I always kind of thought, but now it's our time. So I used to always have a full bar in my trailer and any guest star coming in, it wasn't a cast that drank a lot, but guest stars I could get kind of partying a little. Nothing crazy, but just have a drink or two. Fucking the best. The best.

Starting point is 01:34:44 Also, if you're doing improv and you're coming in, best. Also, if you're doing improv in your comedy, who cares? If you're able to do your job, it's fun. But I had a camera be operated, this guy, Paul, came up to me one day and goes in, he and I had talked, he had told me about his childhood, I told him about mine. My dad's drink was Stoli, I was drinking Stoli,

Starting point is 01:34:58 and he said, if your daughters were born right now, and your wife is four months pregnant, what's the first thing they would smell? And on my breath was Stolee and I thought no one knew because I had mints. So I went like mints, mints, and he went like, it would be the first thing they knew over their dad, huh? And I had that great like, that was my longevity thing where I went like, and that ended the at-water world where I'm like, I'm a degenerate, fucking stop. So then I do like a hard 10 months

Starting point is 01:35:30 where you're like fucking tighten up motherfucker because you're now on a path where you're out of control and you don't know it. That's the, you never know it. You never know it. Not while you're in it, but you need either a doctor or fucking a good friend or somebody who's not afraid to piss you off.

Starting point is 01:35:46 I had Tom. I mean, I look at the podcast we did when he moved to Austin. And like when we first moved to Austin, I look at them and I'm sure they were fun or whatever, but like I was really out of control and Tom would tell me that privately and on air. And I just wouldn't hear it.

Starting point is 01:36:02 I just was like, I was like, and I was so bloated. I look at pictures of my face. For a while. And it's like really like, and I was like, I remember thinking I don't look that bad. And it's fine, it's fucking good. So going back to the Atwater stories,

Starting point is 01:36:17 the way that kind of ended was, so what I used to do was I would take the bad minute and I'd barf in my yard, but then I was able to go to work. And I'm like, hey man, I just did a fucking Hyundai commercial. Things are pretty good. You know what they paid for one day?

Starting point is 01:36:31 Then that night, you're partying. And my buddy Steve Berg said, you're going at a pace that's faster than I think you can handle. And you're gonna go in a pace where that when we're older, we can't get a beer together. And he goes, just make sure motherfucker that when we're 50 or 60 and we get together, we can get a six pack of IPA and enjoy the night and you're not in some program. And I remember thinking, fuck you dude, but it's right. That's been my target is like,

Starting point is 01:37:02 I don't want to stop this. I don't want, I don't ever, I don't ever want to be at a place where I can't drink around people because it makes them uncomfortable. Totally. So I felt like I had to show everyone. I can stop, I can slow down. I had to show to myself really. Cause the thing was like, I don't give a fuck.

Starting point is 01:37:20 When you stop drinking, everyone's, no one notices. Only you notice. And then I had to do a period of time where I was like, but even a month, I used to do a month all the time. We used to do months for Sobraktober, but it's gotta be longer than a month. Because you really have to sit in it. You have to sit in it to a place where you go,

Starting point is 01:37:35 I don't know when I'll drink it. Yeah, I think that's right. And then you have to get to a place where when people go, are you drinking and you say no for real, you mean it. And then they go, how long you, I don't know. Like there's a lot of like, not some arbitrary dates yeah it's and and so I agreed but when it comes to like being skinny I don't know like I'm really concerned about what I'll wear for my next special because I know I don't wear

Starting point is 01:37:58 a shirt right but I feel like I've always worn jeans and sneakers and I don't want to black leather pants. Black leather cowboy hats. We almost did. White gloves. Do it, Bert. You can do it, Bert. And a Chip and Dale's Joker. You can do it.

Starting point is 01:38:16 Do it. By the way. Earrings. Eyeliner. I love that we're on the same page when it comes to partying. Because the thing is, you've got to earn the right to be able to drink on a same page when it comes to partying. Cause the thing is, you gotta earn the right to be able to drink on a Monday. I think you're totally right.

Starting point is 01:38:29 Because listen, everyone gets, everyone gets, everyone gets. You're not wrong, man. So like for example, like tonight, we both know we have that event, right? So I knew coming in, I had a podcast this morning, I had Kimmel yesterday. So this morning I was keeping my head together. When I was leaving today, I go like,

Starting point is 01:38:43 I know Bert's gonna drink. Now I got a last second thing saying it was keeping my head together. When I was leaving today, I go like, I know Bert's gonna drink. Now, I got a last second thing saying it was gonna be two bears. I don't know, Tom, but I do know you. So I'm like, I don't know if Tom drinks, but I know Bert and I can, and this is the beginning of my evening. So then I got that excited,

Starting point is 01:38:58 I got that endorphin rush, I'm like, okay, fine. So this is how my day worked. I said to myself, I hadn't drank, I've been drinking like 15 days, and I said, my favorite thing is a day boss. I love a day worked. I said to myself, I hadn't drank, I've been drinking like 15 days and I said, but my favorite thing is a debuzz. I love a debuzz. I love a debuzz. I'm gonna have a cigar outside after this.

Starting point is 01:39:11 I can't fucking wait. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's my favorite thing in the world. And I love a debuzz that bleeds into a nightbuzz. I love to let it fall out a little bit and catch it again. I love all of that. That's why I got healthy was so that I could keep doing that. So it doesn't have to stop, man.

Starting point is 01:39:28 And so today I was working out with Nomi and I told her I was doing a podcast with you and she said, oh, I can't wait to hear that. And I said, yeah, she goes, are you guys gonna drink? And I went, I don't know, but I'm up for it. And there's very few times that I say I'm up for it. Like even, and I'm sorry that I'm coming back to this thing that you brought up,

Starting point is 01:39:47 but like I was on the plane with Georgia and Isla and Leanne the other night. We were flying from Salt Lake City to LA and it was in a snowstorm, it was bad turbulence. And I was, and I always drink on planes. I always drink on planes. And I was gonna drink. Isla and Georgia knew I was gonna drink.

Starting point is 01:40:00 Leanne knew I was gonna drink. It was gonna happen. But Georgia had said she wanted a soup, and she was going to college the next day, and I knew I didn't wanna be hungover for her leaving to college. I didn't wanna, and I wanted to be present when we landed so that I could go get the stuff

Starting point is 01:40:16 to make her soup for the morning. And so I said, okay, am I gonna pay the bill to pay the tax tomorrow, or should I just pay the bill and the tax now and sit in this uncomfortable flight and Misery make sure the other shit works, but know that all the other shit works It's it's and I said I had to say to my daughters and I have to say this out loud because I'd be disingenuous Yeah, I had to say to them in a car ride from Burbank to our house I said I have to I have to give you guys credit for being as open and honest as you were with me during fully loaded and

Starting point is 01:40:46 As out of control as I got and all your concerns I have to be honest that those conversations helped me get to a place where I did not drink on the plane Yeah, I didn't do it not for you guys, but for you guys tomorrow not to see me drink You're right, but so that I could be present tomorrow. It's like those little conversations I'll tell you so I'll tell you the weird. The hardest one I have is not alcohol. It's weed. Really? And I don't talk about it a lot.

Starting point is 01:41:10 So I like alcohol. I don't count weed as a drug. I love weed. Weed is so my favorite. It's such a sweet lover. It is. It's the it's the best. When you talk about a day buzz with alcohol, it's fun. You know it's better, one hit when you wake up.

Starting point is 01:41:30 You know what makes me happy as a human? When I wake up and I go, I'm Saturday, I said I was gonna smoke weed all day. Now, here's what happened to me. And I haven't fixed it, I'm still in it. So I've been a stoner since I was 14. When I first met weed, I think I was 13 years old at my friend David Shane's basement,

Starting point is 01:41:50 who had like a crazy Panamanian mom who partied with us. I would argue basements are the gateway to drugs. Yeah, they're everything. Basements are the gateway to drugs and get a finger. Exactly, yes. No, fingering Bert. Nobody fingered you, all right Fingering. Fingering.

Starting point is 01:42:06 First time I fingered a chick, I just put it in. When was the first time you got fingered, Mike? No, I never, I've been fingered once. Who fingered you? I've been fingered a couple times. Who was your first fingering? I had an Asian guy one time. He was a doctor. He was a doctor. The first time I fingered a chick.

Starting point is 01:42:19 I was my prostate. Who knows? The first time I fingered a chick, I just put it in like I was taking her temperature. I just left it there like, is this good for both of us? And then yet last night in the hot tub, I realized how many times I had aggressively fingered a chick, not realizing there's pleasure for her down there.

Starting point is 01:42:35 Just I'd be like, wham, wham, wham. I did that, right, we're out. Killed it. Can't wait to tell my friends about this. Killed it. Start up the station wagon, Sal, I got a story for ya. Godilled it. Started up the station wagon, Sal, I got a story for ya. God damn it.

Starting point is 01:42:46 Weed. So weed, so when I first smoked it, we were listening to Bob Marley smoking a bong, and I remember as the first moment I'm like, whatever this is is better than a Heineken, right? This is that shit. He's, weed is a she, I think. Yeah, okay.

Starting point is 01:43:03 And she is so sweet. Alcohol's a he. Alcohol's for sure a he. Outclaw's for sure a he. Weed is the love of your life. But they're bad for you. No, not weed. Well, here's what, so at least for me. So here's what happened to me. So I met weed, fell in love.

Starting point is 01:43:19 She's so sweet. So, and also gave me everything I needed. Also creatively, fun. Also, school, smoking pot during school, and freshman year high school, fun. Weeds are good giggler. Like, as a best friend that giggles at you and goes, that is crazy.

Starting point is 01:43:35 But also, what I think about weed is, I don't view weed as silly. I view weed as the friend who goes, yeah man, but have you ever thought of? Yeah. And you go like, I never thought of that. Thank you for that amazing perspective. In a million years, I ever think of putting swim flippers on a dog.

Starting point is 01:43:52 But like, you're fucking right, my friend. So it's the greatest love of your life. Yeah. And it always has been for me. Yeah. Then I booked a new girl, right? And which was the childhood dream. I was always wanting to be on TV. You know, when I grew up and we were watching Cheers or Roseanne and the family all got together, we had one TV and you know, my mom was mad because everyone told us she would cut the cord,

Starting point is 01:44:15 we watched too much, no TV. Then we'd buy another TV, TV. And if you could all watch us together and you could be happy and cheers, we all were happy. I was like, I used to say like, I wanna be in that fucking box, man. to say I want to be in that fucking box. I'll do anything to be in that box. And then all of a sudden, I'm on set and I'm there.

Starting point is 01:44:31 It's happening. There's like a real Hollywood studio. I'd look up and I'd be like weird, man. It looks like- And then beautiful people. That's the other thing that blew me away. It's like beautiful people. I'd see people on TV and then you'd work with them

Starting point is 01:44:41 and you'd be like, I'm standing next to this person. Yeah, there's nice looking people. And there's all the big guest stars. The Rob Reiner's of the world coming in and you're like, wow, man, Rob Reiner's here. But I had a thing work, because I was still smoking a lot of pot. Max Greenfield was sober,

Starting point is 01:44:55 Lamorn was pretty tight, Zoe's pretty tight. These motherfuckers were getting monologues burnt and were word perfect. And then I would come in from an improv background, an old fat boy was chubby with his dialogue and they would go like, yeah, it's really funny, Jake. Can you say these lines?

Starting point is 01:45:12 And I'd be like, which one specifically? And they're like, the one's written. And I realized like, when I smoke weed, I'm worse at memorizing. I'm not worse as an actor. I'm fine in a scene if I'm allowed to put my own spin on it. But if they say, we need a technical actor, turn on this line, cause the camera's gonna move.

Starting point is 01:45:35 And on this word, you need to be facing here and then say that line and we wanna push in on you. So these last three lines, we're gonna do a slow push in. But we don't wanna cut from here. And I go like, super cool shot. I agree with the shot. And then the night before I had smoked like a huge joint to sleep,

Starting point is 01:45:52 I'm like, I'm not gonna be able to pull it off. My God. So I had to quit then. And since 2013, I'm in this dance where I'll stop for a while and going back to longevity, something that's a really embarrassing thing to admit. And I've told my wife this and she's been like, this is why I hate you.

Starting point is 01:46:09 And I think you're a weirdo. The only thing I'd be excited about about getting like a sickness. And being like, I'm entering a fight. Every damn smell to leave. Because once you get sick and you're fighting, that shit's a medicine now. Now I'm going Rastafarian.

Starting point is 01:46:23 This is from the earth. Jog gave it to us, right? Oh, buddy. I'm eating it as oils. I'm eating it as cookies. I've had a legit like fucking unhealthy relationship with weed. You have. Oh, when I stopped drinking. Oh yeah. I was like, I was in sober. I was like, I was like, dude, I would, for for me I could take two hits three hits of of shout-out to Bloom they make a great vape pen very healthy and I would take two or three hits and I I would Feel it kick. Yeah, and the feeling of the kick would be a sideways

Starting point is 01:47:00 Smile where I go. Yeah, we still need keys to start cars smile where I go, wait. We still need keys to start cars. Like, like, just. What a day. What a feeling. But the best part of weed, and I've said this before, but the best part of weed is like, you smoke, you feel loose, you're having fun, you're giggling,

Starting point is 01:47:15 you enjoy root beer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fine. You enjoy looking, you enjoy cleaning. Oh, cleaning, I cleaned the grot. I cleaned, by the way, when I dropped off, when we flew in the other day, I smoked weed to make that soup. Yeah yeah and this soup by the

Starting point is 01:47:26 way all of a sudden you go turn that up what is that the Eagles dude no music has ever sounded better man blast that shit the number one thing on my fucking playlist right now the Eagles we just went and saw them live and I landed my brother and I went in Chicago in Vegas. I landed I landed Hold on one second. I landed. I have no fucking glasses I landed you're gonna have to edit this out or do whatever you guys have to do. I landed I Everyone goes to sleep around a Ralph's I get all the ingredients to make soup. I then turn on Yes, you know what the thing about you bird is all the ingredients make soup. I then turn on. Yes.

Starting point is 01:48:05 You know what? The thing about you, Bert, is I'm getting show bumps, buddy, and I'm getting fucked up tonight. You know what I just realized about you, man? Which I like you a lot, man. I like you a lot. I mean, you're a very likable guy. I felt it, I told Garra that after.

Starting point is 01:48:18 I'm like, that's the most likable guy in the world. So when I went to the University of Iowa, there was a guy named David Soren who I grew up with. And I was not in the fraternity world. So I've always been independent. It's always been my thing. I've never understood the idea of being in a group. So when I did improv, UCB was around,

Starting point is 01:48:36 but I didn't want to go to McManus bar and hang out with them. I always liked independence. So that's why stand-up never worked. I never understood the idea of being in a group. But my buddy David Soren, who I grew up with, was like, I'm in a fraternity. And he goes, we're doing a thing called Russian.

Starting point is 01:48:53 I know you're not gonna enjoy it. You're a prick. You have got your stupid opinions that are wrong. Just come and pretend you are. Nobody believes it. Nobody cares. Just party with us. And I remember being like, I love Dave.

Starting point is 01:49:06 I grew up with him, he was just the best. And I would go to his fraternity at University of Iowa. We would get to his room, there'd be some random guy, we would smoke a bong, we would start partying, and then he'd be like, they're getting steaks delivered. And I remember thinking like, this is so fun. The thing about you that you have in spades, listening to you, listening to the eagles,

Starting point is 01:49:29 is you're a fucking fun guy, man. And I gotta say, I'm not a guy who over-compliments, I'm not a kiss-ass guy, I'm just not. But I think your gift, my mother growing up used to say, we have gifts from God, right? And that gave us confidence. So each of my brother had a gift from God, my sister had have gifts from God, right? And that gave us confidence. So each of my brother had a gift from God, my sister had a gift from God, we all had gifts. You're a gift man that like whatever talent is that matters, you're so likable and fun-bird

Starting point is 01:49:58 and it's such a great trait. I just when you were doing that music, I was 20 years old, I had just ripped a bong and it was on top of me. I didn't know the five other guys here. And I felt like they seemed fine, but that's my buddy. And when you were going, I'm like, we're gonna have a hell of an exit. We're gonna order Papa Johns. We're gonna let this shit rip. It's gonna be a really fun Wednesday. And that's an amazing trait, man. God bless you, bird.

Starting point is 01:50:26 I'm glad you're here. I'm glad I'm here too. We got, and I was thinking about this while we were doing this. I'm like, we're just having a great day. It's a chat. It's a bar chat. And I go, there's about 13 people working,

Starting point is 01:50:39 watching this being like, when does it end? By the way, I was gonna kill this and pour another one. Here's the deal. We haven't even called Damon Wayne Jr. yet. What's called Damon? What time do we have? Oh, really? But we have a hard out?

Starting point is 01:50:54 I don't have a hard out. Oh, good. Well, do you have a hard out? No. Do you want to call Damon? Yes. Yes. Can we FaceTime him Damon? Absolutely not. Yes. Yes. Can we FaceTime him?

Starting point is 01:51:06 I'm going to try. Come on, Damon, answer the phone. Don Henley wrote that song in a car with a drug dealer. Do you think I'll know who I am when I say it? Yes. I'm red. Just get makeup before I start these. It's going to be like, who is this? We've got six kids. It is six kids? Yeah. She's gonna make up before I start these

Starting point is 01:51:27 We just six kids They fucking just broke this the way and something not know how to pull out Did he answer come on I love when I see connecting No The hill FaceTime back that's how FaceTime's work Once they see you FaceTime. Yeah, wait who in my list do you want to FaceTime? Who do we got? I love FaceTime I FaceTime I only FaceTime you do is that true. Do? Do you cold FaceTime? I got an embarrassing one. So I worked with Olivia Munn on New Girl.

Starting point is 01:52:09 She came on. Great. I almost worked with Olivia Munn once. I mean, as good as it gets, really fun, obviously shockingly attractive, really fun to work with. Not shockingly attractive. Shockingly attractive. In'm amazingly attractive in person. So this is a true story.

Starting point is 01:52:27 And if you put me in a corner here, I'm gonna seem like a pervo, but I swear to God, I didn't do it. Don't worry, I'll perv you, keep going. I have butt FaceTimed her twice past midnight, Bert. Bert, I swear on my life, I didn't do it, but I've seen in the morning where I'm like Olivia M. FaceTime going out. We've never, it's happened twice. So that poor girl at about 1245 was like

Starting point is 01:52:59 fat fucking weirdo. Didn't answer twice and then I had to text and say like, sorry. The saving grace of Olivia. Not saving grace. She's a great talent. She has a great talent for real. Yes. But that she fell in love with John Mulaney makes her in my opinion. Everybody a chance. I know maybe that's it. Maybe that's it. But not not me, but like I go, she gets it. Yeah, she gets it. Olivia Munze killer. The saving grace about John Mulaney. Saving grace about John Mulaney.

Starting point is 01:53:28 Yeah. The reason John Mulaney's sexy, right? And then and. He's going back to the beginning of this podcast. Yeah. John Mulaney's sexy because in college, all he did was snort coke and listen to Steely Dan. Is that not the hottest dude in town?

Starting point is 01:53:45 But that no one will get until he's rich. And he gets, I fucking love John Mulaney. I love John Mulaney. I love, like there's a sexiness to be Davidson that I can't describe, but it's, I don't have it. Like the same thing you say about likability. Maybe I don't, I like those guys, so I can't really testify to that. But they have a sexiness a

Starting point is 01:54:07 Harrison Ford about them. Right. Where you they're dangerous. But they're still fun to watch. Like I fucking love those dudes. You think of those guys like a Harrison Ford. In comedy. Oh, in comedy. Not I can't I can't like Bill Burr's got Harrison Ford to him. Rogan's got a Harrison Ford to him. Tommy's got a Harrison Ford to him. Tommy's got a Harrison Ford to him. In comedy, they're dangerous.

Starting point is 01:54:28 Okay, well, I mean. They're dangerous, like I'm more like a Tom Selleck. Like I like, I like to do the work. I like to show up. But what, hold on. If you tell me not to say something, I probably won't say it. But hold on, what made Harrison Ford so great as an actor

Starting point is 01:54:42 was he was this three dimensional guy who was real who was hanging out with Chewbacca. He was a badass. He could do you know Indiana Jones. He was cool but also funny. Yeah. But but the thing is they wanted to offer Han Solo to Tom Selleck first. Is this true? Yeah. They wanted to offer it and then Harrison was doing all the table. I talked Sorry mark. I Don't know if this is common knowledge Please Mark Hamill told me please just they wanted to offer is it Harrison to Tom Selleck Tom Selleck Who do they wanted Tom Selleck was going to be Han Solo? Yeah, don't cut the don't cut this out

Starting point is 01:55:30 Self-reliance. We're here to help wherever you get a podcast. They wanted Tom Selleck. Really? Harrison was just a carpenter and he was doing table reads with everyone as a favor. I used to do it. Were you ever in the table read circuit? I did. Me too. A couple of table reads. That's why I got offered the movie we were telling you about Yes, that's the guy so he was a carpenter Couldn't be cooler. Just did a bunch of table reads with everyone. Oh couldn't be table read as Luke Skywalker table read as

Starting point is 01:56:03 Yeah, and and and that and and then after doing all the table reads they were like, I don't know there's some Something about paraphrasing mark. I apologize mark. I was drunk when you told it, you were not. But you're giving your version. I'm giving my version. And they wanted Tom Selleck, he was like fucking gorgeous. Agreed. Magnum PI was a killer. There's something a little laced up about Tom Selleck.

Starting point is 01:56:21 Agreed. And there's something really unlaced. I don't, I feel weird putting myself in the Tom Selleck. And there's something really unlaced. I don't, I feel weird put myself in the Tom Selleck group because I do think obviously clearly I talk reckless as fuck. Yeah, yeah. It's a different thing. And I don't think Tom Selleck would. So we used to do a thing with my group of friends where we would always try to compare ourselves to basketball players as we came up as actors. Okay. Oh, I love this so much. I'm never going to be able to say who I am.

Starting point is 01:56:43 Why not? Who do you think you are? I'm already going Allen Iverson, but I'm not so much. I'm never gonna be able to say who I am. Why not? Who do you think you are? I'm already going Alan Iverson, but I'm not. Because I loved Alan Iverson. No, who do you actually, in terms of the NBA, because I got a guy who I see myself as. Who's a guy in the NBA who you would compare, because we would always do,

Starting point is 01:56:58 are you on a 10 day contract? Are you in the league? If you're in the league. I'm in the league. So then who are you in terms of the thing? I'm in the league, but I'm under a factor under because people also bullshit. No, go like this, Michael Jordan and you go not your ego, motherfucker. Who are you actually in the game? Who are you in terms of the league? You got real killers, man, and you can go ego crazy. But what's beauty about the game is there's a lot of talent.

Starting point is 01:57:20 And as long as you're playing, it's great. It's called Tommy and find out who he is. Because I'm curious now. I think Tom's in Japan. I'd probably be a foreign player. Keep going. I'd be a Serb. Keep going. I'd play Tony Kukos. Like someone who you go who...

Starting point is 01:57:38 Mine's Andres Nocione, the old bow player. For real? Yeah. Undrafted, a little bit older, finds a way to figure out help the team to win like I would be probably a Serb who none of the guys were cool with when he got to the Demes he got overpaid and none of the people thought it was worth it but then like in the playoffs they were like hit a big hit a couple big guys he fucking read out like a motherfucker yeah yeah yeah and he's really good at, Tom didn't answer, but God, fucking FaceTime's her shit today.

Starting point is 01:58:09 I would probably be like, I say Tony Cougars, I think he's probably too good. I'd be, I'd be Vladi D'Voc. So if you were a basketball player, Bert, what's your natural position on a team? I'm not, oh, I can tell you, I'm- And what do you do to help the team win? Because I know my I know what I do and I know what I am as a baseball player. This is going

Starting point is 01:58:31 to sound super ego driven. That's what we're doing. We're on a podcast talking with 15 people in the room watching us. If we're in therapy and I'm talking and being very honest, we are. I am someone who I'm alignment. I'm like in football. I'm alignment. Like you don't know that it's important that I played the part. And I think sometimes I deceive you because I talk shit to other players and I fucking I grandstand Warren sap. No, no, no, no, not defensive line

Starting point is 01:59:06 I'm an offensive lineman. Yeah, and a guard or a tackle a guard. I'm definitely a guard in the inside Yeah, no credit. I know credit and but but I Do think there are people that value what I do when they see me push. I don't see as a guard really no And I'll tell you why and I don't see you as a guard. Really? No. And I'll tell you why. And I don't mean this as a bad thing. I think your gag, which is fun to watch, is that it's big and it's showy and that it's in your face.

Starting point is 01:59:37 I like the rip it off to a shirt. I like, so here's a funny story, this is real. So we did your podcast, The Something's Burning. Couple days later, I had a Q&A at a college where they were paying me a nice chip to go talk to some college students up in somewhere. I can't even remember right now, which is embarrassing. But it was a nice chunk of change.

Starting point is 01:59:57 And a buddy of mine who says, I'll drive you up. I was like, I can give you a few hundred bucks. Let's make a day of it. We went up there, got Mexican food. Then I'm going on stage. My thought beforehand, because his name is Brian Ferrell, my buddy. give you a few hundred bucks. Let's make a day of it. We went up there, got Mexican food. Then I'm going on stage. My thought beforehand, because his name is Brian Farrell, my buddy. He's a fan of yours.

Starting point is 02:00:09 And so he's like- Shout out to Brian Farrell. Shout out to Beans Farrell. South Pasadena series. So we thought, let's do, we were beforehand, we were like, we had one too many, I had one too many margaritas at the time. And we're like, we got an hour.

Starting point is 02:00:22 And then as a joke, we were doing bits. And he's like, so how do you do these? Well, I'm not a stand up. So I'm an actor, whatever the fuck that means. I'm a podcast, whatever that means. So I'm gonna go sit down and whatever the host does, I'm gonna follow their lead, we're gonna do the hour, and I'm gonna hope to entertain.

Starting point is 02:00:40 But it was a huge, it was a packed theater. You know, there was two levels. And then as a joke, we said like, what would Bert do? And I said, I might rip my goddamn shirt off. And we laughed and I didn't have the guts to rip my shirt off, but I came out there and did the huge energy from the start and it helped. And the audience found, I was going like, come on.

Starting point is 02:00:58 And then at one point the guy was telling me, he's like, you and Zoe have a classic kiss and I thought of you. And I was like, yeah, we do. And he said, can you tell us about that? Well, I and Zoe have a classic kiss and I thought of you. And I was like, yeah, we do. And he said, can you tell us about that? Well, I didn't have a funny story. The story is we kissed on set and Zoe's a pro. No, Zoe, she's a pro. But what Zoe did, and these are the real story.

Starting point is 02:01:16 And this is why- Tell us, Zoe, don't work with me. I'm going for tongue. She would pass. Oh well, you'll find out the hard way that I don't. Congratulations. I'd be like, that was awkward. Where was your tongue?

Starting point is 02:01:27 She's like in my mouth and my lips were black and you're going down. We married to one of the property brothers. Jonathan, yeah. I'm sorry. By the way, as sweet as it gets. Yeah, no, I met her. She's a very sweet person. I'm sorry.

Starting point is 02:01:39 I'm so sorry. I said that. But, so the story is in real life, she said, you know, kiss me hard. And I was like, someone said that to me, that went for a tongue, that's the moment.

Starting point is 02:01:53 But what I liked about, because I went like, you know, we were co-stars, we're buddies. So she's like, don't be a fucking, grab me and kiss me. So I did, in the scene, be played big, right? So that's the story, that's a fine story, People would go like this.

Starting point is 02:02:05 I was thinking of you and the guy goes, what's the story? And I go, you want to see and I kissed a dude on stage and the crowd went nuts. So what I like about you and the reason when I say I like it's not bullshit for me. I've given you a lot of thought. It was like, well, that's big energy. That's not a guard to me. That's a wide receiver.

Starting point is 02:02:24 That's a a athletic tight end. That's a wide receiver. That's a athletic tight end. That's a defensive end. Okay. Maybe I'm a tight end because I don't mind going over the middle. Yes. And you don't mind going over the middle. You don't mind. You don't mind scoring some touchdowns. You have a funny dance. Can I immediately you might do commentary on Sundays when you retire immediately. I talked to an actor one time about kissing a very famous person and he said what you said. I think that's what you're supposed to say in the business is, yeah, I'd be Rob Gronkowski. Thank you guys. I'm definitely Rob Gronkowski. I was going there when I said you and for sure me. Now then who's your Tom Brady?

Starting point is 02:03:07 Tommy. Tommy's been my Tom Brady the whole time. I fucking leave one of him. And he's younger than me. But that's a beautiful thing, man. Dude, I'll take Tommy as my Tom Brady all day fucking long. But that makes sense. Like, because you as a Rob Gronkowski, I'm like, you can block.

Starting point is 02:03:21 You can make some big catches, man. I do. I do make big catches. But ultimately don't have me how hosting New Year's Eve The as soon as you said that I Overshare and they asked me what it was like kissing because I talked to actors about kissing Yeah, and everyone gave me your answer and I was like that can't be real because you're kissing the great actor David Walton who was on new girl I because you're kissing the great actor David Walton who was on new girl. I love the guy. He played a doctor somebody but he's the best. He gave me a great quote and he says the first scene starts.

Starting point is 02:03:53 I'm sorry if I do and I'm sorry if I don't. Damon Wainz Jr. Damon Wainz Jr. What's up sir? It's Mark Kreischer. Hey, what's up? Damon Waynes Jr. What's up, sir? Uh, it's Bert Kreischer. Nick, I know. Hey, man, I hate to... Are you with... Are you by yourself or with your family? I'm solo, too.

Starting point is 02:04:16 Okay, I'm sitting with your buddy. Oh, hi, Damon. Hi. Hi, Damon. Hey, so, first of all, I don't know if you remember me accosting you at at Jack Jr's club when I told you fucking let's be cops is one of my favorite movies ever Before I was famous the Hey, man, we have a question and I'm drunk now we you we I have a question

Starting point is 02:04:44 So when British actors, black British actors come over and play black Americans and they do a black American accent, does it bother you a little bit? Me personally now. Okay. Oh, that's. I think they can pull it off. If they can pull it off, what about the ones that can't pull it off Like the ones that like all sound like Denzel Washington Have you ever had a British actor come up to you and run his lines to you as a black guy to you? No.

Starting point is 02:05:32 No. I haven't. Would you find it offensive if a black guy came up to you from Brittany's like, oh, it's such a pleasure working with you. So let me ask you a question. It's a birthday and not birthday, correct? That's what you're gonna do.

Starting point is 02:05:47 It's Rockwilder, right? That's what you're gonna do. That's what you're gonna do. I'm such a fucking fan. I'm such a fan of yours, but I have to say, your whole fucking lineage, everyone is a fuck. I'm like, listening to your dad, honestly. It's like my he's my fucking goat Hey, uh, hey real quick and we can edit this out. What did you think about the Cal Williams interview?

Starting point is 02:06:16 Let it rip David What'd you think Yeah, his last one he shouldn't have talked about Jacksonville for 15 minutes and talked about Kevin Hart Hey, buddy, please open in but I'd love to have you on my podcast. Have you on two bears. You are fucking awesome. I would I'm a fan man. Oh hell yeah. I do it with James. Great. We'll have

Starting point is 02:06:59 you and Jake. Any time. Any time. Well have you guys come on. We'll have you come on Birk. We'll have a a drinking podcast. I love it. Oh, hell yeah. No. By the way, I love the interior of his car. For sure.

Starting point is 02:07:11 He's cutting in and out. Fancy. Hey, let's see if we got him before he disconnects. All right. Hey, thank you very much, man. Oh, that's beautiful. Oh, yeah. Um.

Starting point is 02:07:21 I will say about Damon, till we did Let's Be Cops together. So good, such a good premise. For everyone that doesn't know, I have to say, let me pitch it, two dudes who are losers in life have to figure out a Halloween costume and they're like, and I think you roll in

Starting point is 02:07:38 and you go, let's be cops. Yes, and we pitch. And you guys dress as cops and then you find out how much fun it is to be dressed as cops. Yes, and it happens. And we beat we. Such a fucking.

Starting point is 02:07:46 So Damon as a dude. As fun to work with as funny as it gets. He knows who I am. Like if you understand his dad's like. Yeah, his dad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. His dad. Yeah.

Starting point is 02:08:00 When his dad talked about him and his family, That was like a way I saw life different. I was like, oh, you don't have to just talk about the edgy shit. You can talk about your life. I agree. So a funny thing about him though is when my wife was pregnant, we were doing lesbicops. And I said, he's like, you're so tight, you're nervous.

Starting point is 02:08:19 And he had kids already. And he said, no matter what you do, your kids are gonna hate you for something. And then he said, second, don't use your kids for material. And I said, why? And he goes, my dad told a story and he told us on our podcast because Damon's come on and he said, he told a story about how I used to pretend it like I used to masturbate all the time, but pretend to like be like, hey, I'm gonna go eat some spaghetti and go in my room and masturbate.

Starting point is 02:08:48 And he goes, and it was a good joke by dad made. And he goes, until I was at school and I was hitting on some girl and she goes, but are you the spaghetti guy? And I was like, oh. Wish we could put that toothpaste back in the tube. I have done my whole life on my children. My whole, I just the other day realized,

Starting point is 02:09:09 oh, I've shared everything in their life that they've ever thought, everything that was silly. But they've made me a lot of money. Hey guys, great podcast. Uh. You've made them a lot of money. I've made, look, they go to college and they're probably gonna be fine.

Starting point is 02:09:23 Buddy, I fucking love you. I feel fine. Buddy, I fucking love you. I feel the same way, Bert. I fucking love you. And I'm so glad to become friends with you. Yeah, back to you. I will tell you, I'll give you an insight to how tonight will work. Please.

Starting point is 02:09:34 I'll probably be a little drunk and jealous that you're talking to other people. Cause that's how I work. Tommy knows that, Tommy knows that, Tommy knows me. So, you know what I'd like you to do? What's that? Cause you said earlier, I'm not gonna make the night about me. Right? Yeah. What I said earlier is I like to be a number

Starting point is 02:09:50 two. So what I would love you to do is turn this into the Bert show. I truly mean it. Sure. It's coming off. I would appreciate I'm going to shower. I'm going to tell you how I do things as when it's mine. And it's not fun. I'm a homebody. So I'll go off, say my hi, I'm gonna do the press, I'm gonna try to give and take photos. I got a bunch of different friends coming. We're gonna do the thing. Who's coming, anyone famous?

Starting point is 02:10:15 I mean, Anna will be there. I think Samberg will be there. The movie people will be there. By the way, we found this out. I'm actually a huge Andy Samberg fan. Yeah, yeah. I just didn't watch Reno 911. Was he on Reno 911?

Starting point is 02:10:27 Or 911, whatever. Brooklyn 911. Brooklyn 911. But what I would like you to do is turn it into the Birch Show, and I mean that sincerely. If you come in, so everybody I've told, I go, if you're going to smoke weed, smoke weed inside. So I had a big thing where Hulu came to me and said this.

Starting point is 02:10:44 They said we would like to do a big premiere, and then we. So I had a big thing where Hulu came to me and said this. They said, we would like to do a big premiere and then we'd like to do a party. So I've been in this game now for 10 years. Those premiers are industry premiers. And you now know this because you've done it. It sucks. And the audience is the audience of business.

Starting point is 02:10:58 Then the party is close to the theater. So it's the wrong venue. So where I said it, I go, fuck the premiere, send everybody a link. I go, this is a Hulu movie. Everyone's watching at home. I go, you know what I want at the party? The bar where the movie takes place.

Starting point is 02:11:13 So you know where we go to? No, shut the fuck up. That's where we're doing. Shut the fuck up. I all I thought about watching the movie is I want to go to that bar. That's where you're going tonight. And I go, you know what I want?

Starting point is 02:11:21 A mariachi band. So I go, all the money you would have spent, turn it into a fucking party, have the press walking around. I go, you know what I want? A mariachi band. So I go, all the money you would have spent, turn it into a fucking party. Have the press walking around. I go, small red carpet. But I go, if people are going to come out on whatever night tonight, it's a Tuesday, I go, allow them to fucking party.

Starting point is 02:11:37 I go, don't put it in some bad place near a theater downtown. Real quick. We're at Le Cida tonight. Let's, let's, I'm so fucking excited for this. Let's put some frame of reference on how tonight's gonna work. downtown. Real quick. We're at Let's let's let's so fucking excited for this. Let's put some frame of reference on how tonight's gonna work. So we

Starting point is 02:11:52 any Sandberg uh I'm good with him. Kendrick. Yeah. Kendrick Lamar. No. Oh no. Anna. Anna Kendrick. Uh I'm gonna need you to like before I meet her. Yeah, I just give her some groundwork just so that I don't She knows her out. I might freak her out. I might freak her out. Who else? Honestly, I don't know. Okay, hold on. Yeah, hold on. Hold on. Old guy?

Starting point is 02:12:15 Chris Lloyd? No Chris Lloyd's under here? I don't know. I don't think he's gonna be there. I mean, but when you say old guy. No, the old guy you hung out with in the movie. Oh, Biff? Yeah. Oh, I mean, but when you say old guy. No, no, no, no, no, the old guy you hung out with in the movie. Oh, Biff? Yeah. Oh, for sure, Biff's coming. Yes. Okay, okay.

Starting point is 02:12:28 Yes. Okay, um, sisters. Eduardo Franco's gonna be there. Sisters. Of course they're gonna be there. Ninja. Eduardo Franco's gonna be there. Ninja.

Starting point is 02:12:38 Yeah, Eduardo's gonna be there. Is that his name? Eduardo Franco. Eduardo Franco from Stranger Things. Mary Holland, Emily Hampshire. The cast is all going to be good. I'm not positive about Chris Lloyd. He's I get it.

Starting point is 02:12:49 I get it. I get it. But then we're going to have we're going to have some randoms. It'll be fun. OK, so here's bad with names also. Who cares? But no, but you just if if there's someone. I am to Bert and I get and I get in bad moments.

Starting point is 02:13:03 So I've forgotten cousins. I might I might have to bring like Peter I'm gonna have to bring Victoria so she can point people out. You know what? I would really like you to do tonight bird. He would be fucking amazing. Oh my god, my sister. I get a plus and three Replace to Coddy would be fucking amazing. I think Coddy represents the movie hold on Damon wrote back running lines with a black British guy doing an American accent as funny as hell. I'm in a bad area, but definitely down to do a show whenever. I'm the only one that dies on this hill. And I've done, I've died on this hill before,

Starting point is 02:13:35 but I just, I just as a dude, I just, I just find it to be weird. Like when you hear British guys do white accents back to you, I go, you're, it's kind of fucking rude. Like when you hear British guys do white accents back to you. I go, you're kind of fucking rude. Like when they go, oh, like a cheeseburger. And you're like, that's not how we sound. I'll say about that guy, Daniel. So in terms of Daniel Kalu, Daniel Kalu. From Get Up. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm sorry.

Starting point is 02:13:58 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm dyslexic, so I don't I don't confidently say last names. How hard is it to be African and desoxic? I'm not African That's the hardest Christine's ever left I don't know But I didn't work with him so when we do do Spider-Verse, we're not together. He was in Get Out. Yes, but we just met at a Q&A the other night.

Starting point is 02:14:33 Yeah. So I reach out to him after the thing and talk about the screening and to give that dude credit. We don't know each other. We met one night, we were in a one restaurant talking. Me, him, Jason Swarchman, Chris Miller, Phil restaurant talking. Yeah, me him Jason Swartzman Chris Miller Phil Lord. We're all talking. Swartzman the dude from the thing.

Starting point is 02:14:49 Rushmore. Yeah. Oh, the best. Dude, you should have Swartzman on. Swartzman. Oh, I love. So is he like a fun dude? See, those guys really get the Hollywood. They get the Hollywood. Jason Swartzman is a killer.

Starting point is 02:15:01 So so I got a quick story for you. So I get a call about doing a short film in Iceland about two astronauts about really based off NASA. Used to use Iceland to test the moon. So I go, it's some Norwegian production. I'll be there's no money, but it's four days in Iceland. And I'm like, huh. And they go, your co-star is Jason Schwartzman.

Starting point is 02:15:22 I've never met him. I mean, well, that's what I was kind of, I was nervous. And I was like, I hope he's fucking cool cause I'm in because I'm a fan. We get on the plane. I get on the airport. I get on the plane. I see him. We just wave casually, but not saying I'm like,

Starting point is 02:15:36 I was hoping we were gonna like drink and party. We didn't. I'm looking over at him. He's reading a lot. I'm like, oh shit. He reads. Yeah. We get off the plane.

Starting point is 02:15:44 I'm like, fuck, I'm in Iceland, you know, by myself. We connect and I go like, Hey man, I'm really excited to work with him. A big fan. He's like me too. I'm excited. And I go, I would like to partner up and just have a buddy thing. And he's like 100% dude. Bert. We turned it into a honeymoon. We would make lists of what he wanted to do. I'm like, I'm really into architecture. He's like, I gotta say, you're not gonna like it. I'm a little into shopping and I was like, honey, whatever you want, we filled our days. We would go to adventures and I was like, when it left, I was like, I'm a little in love with you. You're putting a face on people. I thought we're just, he's the sweetest. You would love Jason's words. But now he, I love shopping. You know who he'd love Tom

Starting point is 02:16:29 Segura, he's a shopper Shoppers are hilarious secret time keep this in the podcast Tom Segura goes to Aspen and doesn't ski He just shops. He just shops doesn't ski. He just shops. He just shops. What are you talking about? He just shops. I can't wrap my head around shopping. He shops so much that he outgrows shopped clothes and has to give them away to his pores. He is a shopping. That's all he does. He's addicted to shopping. Dude, he loves shopping. He buys you stuff he's shopped for but he doesn't use. He is such a shopper that is like... Gross Oh, it is I'm a I'm a yes I'm not an architecture. I'm not a library guy

Starting point is 02:17:07 But like but so so mine would be we'd walk up and down the streets Yeah, we'd check stuff out and then he would be like now we're gonna look at some knickknacks I had a funny wonder if I'd want to shop for the things you wanted to shop for I want to I want to shop at sneakers and Rolexes Now he likes like everything. He just likes approaching stores and shopping. Buddy. I gotta say though, as lovely, and I use that term and that's the right term as lovely as the guys it gets where I'm like, I left that and I got home

Starting point is 02:17:38 and I said to my wife, she's like, how was it? The problem with the short for me was I'm five 10 and a half. They made an astronaut suit that was five 10. because the problem with the short for me was I'm five, 10 and a half, they made an astronaut suit that was five, 10. So the problem was, it's a little small. So it's pushing fucking down and it's hurting the shoulders and you don't want to be that asshole who's like, I know you spent all the money on this,

Starting point is 02:17:58 but it doesn't fit my body. So I'm trying to have a good attitude, but I'm like, you're tearing apart my shoulders. That's why they lose me. That's why they lose me. Boy, they lost me. That's where they lose me. But what are you going to do? You're there and the director was sweet from the entire time and talk to your producer. That's what I do.

Starting point is 02:18:11 That's what they did when they put blood on me. I just had meltdowns to kale independently. And I was like, I have tactile issues. How are you going to put this on me for lunch? I can't eat lunch. So I'm a, I'm an unfortunate, whatever needs to happen happens. I can dissociate and go. It's not great, but the problem is,

Starting point is 02:18:29 is like my shoulder was fucked up. I was getting like, it sucked. And then I would be in, I would start getting in a headspace that wasn't great. And I would look over at Jason and he'd be like, and I'm like, you are the light of Iceland. And to this day, we saw each other the other night. I'm like, we did this thing. And every time I see him, I'm like, we did this thing and every time I see him,

Starting point is 02:18:47 I'm like, he's one of those guys, you know, when you go to those events, you each have your own car. Yeah. He just jumps in my car. Where I'm like, thanks for jumping in because by the way, I love that guy because thanks. So like if you and I are doing anything, we can say hi, let's just jump in the same car.

Starting point is 02:19:01 I'd rather talk to you than be alone. I'd rather sit in the car with you. So he just comes in with me and then he's like We don't need the other one and I'm like, thank you for being that guy I wish I was cool enough to be that guy Hollywood represent that person that makes a fucking is the best the guy that you fucking Assume is this high bar celebrity that no one can tell us just relatable the best. I'm too relatable Buddy Your movie is awesome. Thanks, man. I hope everyone watches it on Hulu. It is fucking awesome

Starting point is 02:19:29 I'm so excited for the party tonight. I really am I really am but more more than that I Really value the connection we've had Means a lot to me and it means a lot and I can tell because, you know, we were a big fan of the minks. Yeah. Me and my wife watched the whole thing. And we reached out to you and the woman who played Jess Lowe. Jess Lowe. Yes, I love. I love Jess Lowe on the podcast. Oh, you did. Leanne did. Leanne had Jess Lowe on the podcast. Jess is a killer. And they said we might be able to get Jake. And I said I might geek out in front of them because I love that. I love that show so much. Oh, thanks. I loved I loved it and the fact and then this is I don't know if you'll still relate to this But the fact that you came into this house tonight today, and I didn't and that I I saw you as a person is

Starting point is 02:20:15 Like I know that sounds crazy Like means a lot is that because I am impressed by shit I see yes, I don't know if I'll ever see TC and not see him as a fucking yeah, totally But like it means a lot to me and thank you for inviting us tonight to your thanks for coming and it means a lot and and And let's get a work. Let's get a workout. Let's do another workout I'm into it. Let's do it and everyone needs to check out your podcast with gareth reynolds. Yes, I will say I have to say this gareth reynolds is Hands down everyone on my tour bus knows this,

Starting point is 02:20:45 the funniest human in the world. He says as fast as it gets. And your podcast is we're here to help is we're here to help. They take in calls. I was all I've been on it. You've got Damon Waynes Jr. on it. Yeah. Anybody who we know comes on. And I say we do a birdcast with Damon Waynes Jr. Get fucking by the way, I'm in by the way. He I love him. He's really hard to get to socialize. I would love to drink with Damon. But if we do it, I need you to pressure him to drink because what he'll do is he'll be cool and he'll be like, no, no, no, no, no. Because he's always on a six pack.

Starting point is 02:21:17 Well, if you bully him, first thing we'll do is we'll get a car service to take him. Yes, I agree. And that's how I would love to do a podcast with you, me and Damon. I he and I text every day. My kids and his kids, his so he and I have a thing where we're always our stupid bit is we're in love with each other. So anything that happens, we're going to leave our wives for one another. And then now that we have a bunch of kids, we've changed it. So now my kids will write to him, they'll do videos where they'll be like, leave my daddy alone. His kids will be like, Jake, my daddy doesn't love you.

Starting point is 02:21:46 He loves my wife. And then we refer to our wife as the Tunis. And so now the wife's get involved and be like, stop texting my husband. So we have this big thing. We don't sit and have drinks together. The idea of doing it with you and Damon would be a perfect night.

Starting point is 02:22:03 Christine, we make that happen. Hey, congratulations. Thanks, Bertie. Appreciate you. See you tonight. Bert, Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes top is while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean.

Starting point is 02:22:20 Here's what we call two bears, one cave.

2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - In Love with Weed w/ Jake Johnson | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

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