2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: January 13, 2025

SPONSORS: Head to https://acorns.com/bears or download the Acorns app to start saving and investing for your future today! This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://betterhelp.com/BEARS and get 10% off your first month. Unlock 10% off your entire order this January! Visit https://betterbiom.com and use promo code 2BEARS at checkout. Don’t miss out on all the action this week at DraftKings! Download the DraftKings app today! Sign-up using https://dkng.co/bears or through my promo code BEARS. Let’s get more of you talking in a new language. Babbel is gifting our listeners 60% off subscriptions at https://Babbel.com/BEARS. WHAT'S EVERYBODY! It's another week of 2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura and Bart Chrysler! Los Angeles is being ravaged by wildfires right now, so Tom and Bert chime in on what's going and how serious the damage has been. The destruction has hit very close to home for them, so much so Bert's got himself a go bag ready by the door. The bears also talk about their kids playing sports, dumb shirts with pot leaves on them, ruining vacation photos, gifts for family, Tom's mom and sister both moving to Austin, Muslim fashion, a national uniform for people in America, clever Hollywood writers, and Nikki Glaser's Gold Globes hosting job. Bert also shares a story about Andrew "Dice" Clay asking him to keep his sons safe in LA, plus other stories from LA. Stay safe out there! 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 271 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com GAMBLING PROBLEM? CALL 1-800-GAMBLER, [phone] or visit http://gamblinghelplinema.org (MA). Call 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY). Please Gamble Responsibly. 888-789-7777/visit http://ccpg.org (CT) or visit http://www.mdgamblinghelp.org (MD). 21+ and present in most states. (18+ DC/KY/NH/WY). Void in ONT/OR/NH. Eligibility restrictions apply. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino & Resort (KS). 1 per new customer. Min. $5 deposit. Min. $5 bet. Max. $200 issued as non-withdrawable Bonus Bets that expire in 7 days (168 hours). Stake removed from payout. Terms: http://dkng.co/dk-offer-terms. Ends 2/9/25 at 11:59 PM ET. Sponsored by DK. Chapter Markers 00:00:00 - Intro 00:00:22 - The Los Angeles Wildfires 00:15:04 - When Sh!t Gets Real 00:21:13 - Go Bags 00:29:06 - Uncle Bert/Kids Playing Sports 00:39:14 - Vacation Ruining Gear 00:43:14 - Gifts For Family/Tom's Sister & Mom Moved To Austin 00:52:41 - Muslim Fashion/Regional Uniforms 01:01:51 - Hollywood Writers/Nikki Glaser 01:09:19 - Back To LA Wildfires Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

100% Welcome to another episode of two bears one cave we're here in studio Burt. Hey, buddy Hey, it's um by the way I For everyone that doesn't know the fires were crazy, and I was wondering if this place is gonna be here today Yeah, no the fires are this is unlike anything That's ever happened. It's always the thing. It's the biggest wildfire ever in Los Angeles. Yeah, ever in Los Angeles. They've already passed an estimated 51 billion, which is going to grow by exponential amounts.

exponential amounts. The neighborhood that I left when I last lived in Los Angeles is completely gone. The house that I lived in. That house is gone. The house is gone. The school that Ellis went to is gone. It was a very walkable neighborhood and all my neighbors, like I checked in with old friends,

all their houses are gone, and also all the places that we would frequent, you know? Like we would go to the CVS. CVS is gone. Gelson's is gone. Ralph's is gone. The gas station's gone. The Starbucks is gone. Like, it's all gone.

It's like, it's hard to comprehend, like, and to imagine that it's all gone. As of now, unless it's changed, I couldn't believe that the Palisades village was all intact. And I was like, how is that possible? And I guess it's because maybe the buildings, the structures are all stone, you know, like concrete and stone. That's the one thing, my one takeaway is,

why don't we make houses out of chimneys? Because everyone's chimney is still standing. I know, I mean, it's all cost relevant. The thing that I already was thinking of, because two things are definitely gonna happen. One, I was like, all the scumbag pieces of shit that will scam people in some way out of this, you're like, I can't wait till the Dateline special

that'll come out about how they're gonna just prey on people, which is so horrible. But also how industries always come out of disaster. So I was thinking because you go Malibu and the Palisades are two of the most sought after neighborhoods in Los Angeles, they're fantastic. I'm so glad you're saying this because, you know, sometimes Tom, I think, I want you to finish

what you're saying, but I think I have horrible thoughts. I don't have horrible thoughts like, I'm so glad they killed that CEO horrible thought, but I do have crazy thoughts. But keep talking about this, because I've been struggling with how I feel about things. Well, I just know, what ends up happening is, an industry will come out of a disaster of this magnitude.

So some version of this will happen. We'll be like, okay, first of all, you're going to have a disaster of this magnitude. So some version of this will happen. We'll be like, okay, first of all, you're gonna have a lot of people leave. A lot of people are gonna leave these places. They're gonna be like, I don't wanna live here anymore. 10,000 houses in the Palisades are gone. So what's gonna happen is they're gonna move to Austin. All those people are gonna end up moving to Austin

because they're gonna go to Austin or they're gonna go to Nashville or Denver That's gonna do so good for kill Tony Okay, all right then You're gonna have this thing where it's like, okay, I want to rebuild I want to I want to live again in the Palisades or I want to live again in Malibu beachfront Malibu stuff and You know people are you going really? Yeah, I want to live again in the Palisades or I want to live again in Malibu, beachfront Malibu stuff. And you know, people are going, really? Yeah, I want to do it.

So then what will happen is, first of all, I think the value of this actual property has to go down. It'll be like, you know, so you'll go, oh, I can get in for less. And then what's going to happen is they're going to go, okay, how much, what are you going to spend on this house, right?

And let's just say, you're like, I'm willing to spend $5 million on a house to be there. They're gonna be like, cool. So you're gonna do about $3 million of what you thought you were gonna spend on your home, and then $2 million are gonna be in fire retardant products and bills. And so that industry will explode.

You know, you're gonna have, I think it'll be, first of all, I think they're gonna pass laws where it'll be illegal to have bushes and trees, anything like that in these areas. It'll just be like, yeah, we don't do that anymore. There is no such thing as landscapes. It'll be like rocks. It's just gonna be like rocks and things that look nice, but that aren't actually brush. And then I think homes there are gonna be

like concrete homes and stone homes. It's like, it's the logical thing. And they're gonna, this industry of like the, there's that spray that some places have have done before that I Assume is very expensive those, you know, they'll be like, yeah, we're gonna build your house So we're gonna do this spray and sprays fucking $300,000 or some crazy amount of money and then people will have to make the decision of whether they want to do it or not Because there's no way they're just gonna be like, yeah throw up your wood house again It's just it's not they're just not to do it or not because there's no way they're just going to be like, yeah, throw up your wood house again. It's just, it's not, they're just not going to do it.

And of course the insurance industry is going to be sent Ben over sideways. In Tampa after the hurricane, my dad's got a buddy whose son has a really nice house in a really nice area right on the water and it's gone. It's totaled and he wants to rebuild but he can't. They're not letting him rebuild in that lot that he owns because it's gotta be, that you can't just do ground level anymore. You gotta go up a story. So you gotta put a house on stilts.

It's crazy. Here's the thing that I've been wrestling with and I don't know the right way to say this and I want everyone to understand that these fires are happening last night, so I'm still processing it, and everything I ever say is meant to be funny, or at least start comedy,

or at least dive deeper into the thing, right? There is a thing that happens, there's a rubber-necking. When you see an accident on the freeway, and you see everyone slowing down, you're like, what the fuck? Why are they slowing down? It's an accident. Someone's having the worst day of their life.

Why the fuck do they need to slow down and look at it? But then when you get up to it, you're like, well, what did happen? And you look at it. And despite everyone believing they're better than the person in front of them, you're just as bad. Tom, I'm so glad you said that,

because this is horrible. But I thought there is going to be beachfront property available in Malibu. People will jump on this. For sure. It's the most coveted real estate and everywhere. And so what I did, and this is horrible. I'm admitting this, but I looked on Zillow.

Everything south of Dukes was gone. I went on Zillow and I started looking at what was already for sale. And there's a house for like 6.5 million, 3,000 square feet, beautiful, gorgeous. It's gone, it's gone. That person who owns that house still has to pay that $6 million mortgage on that house.

Yeah, they do. And they're trying to unload it. And now they're not getting 6 million, they're upside down on it. So now someone will not getting six million. They're upside down on it. Yeah. So now someone will swoop in. You know, there'll be insurance stuff. There's gonna be people who, like,

in that area, of course, people can afford, because like you get, in most places where it's not like fire zone stuff, you have your fire insurance, which is kind of part of your protection of all your property. But in heavy fire zone places, what happens for people that don't know is they go, here's all your home protection insurance.

We're not covering fire. That's a separate policy. And if you're talking about a home that's worth six or 10 or 20, dude, those insurance policies are insane. Now, people can afford to do it, but it's a crazy, crazy expense. through those insurance policies are insane. Now though people can afford to do it, but it's a crazy, crazy expense. So some of those people for sure had that great coverage

and they'll have the money to pay off that mortgage. But then they have to go like, well what am I gonna do? You know, like now I have to do something. I don't have a house anymore. It's weird, cause I was trying to explain this to Leanne last night. We're watching it, I'm having a glass of wine. By the way, packed go bags, packed

go bags. Yeah, smart. All right. I'm going to tell you something. This is going to blow your mind. Okay. Did you send an offer yet on that property that burned down? No, no. There is a part of me that there is a part of me that goes, man, it would, there is part of me sadly that says, wow, I do have a little money. I wonder if I want to move to the palisades after this. You know, like there's like, there is a part of your brain that goes to do that. Yeah, I was like, dude, it's well, then I was like, and then I was like, I'm going to have to drive all the way to Culver city to get groceries because everything's fucking gone. Everything's

gone. It's going to change. Here's what's crazy. It really is. And you'll have a front row seat. It's going to change the landscape of Los Angeles for a while. 100%. Like that is, that's. We're not even talking like Pasadena, Altadena.

Altadena is, for lack of better words, there is a celebration of rich people getting what they deserve, you know, in America. It's insane. It's insane. It's insane to me that we all want and strive to have wealth and safety and security, and then we look at people that do have that, and when they lose it, you're like, good, that's what they get.

It's disgusting to me. It's gross. But now, but having said that, in Alta Dena are very modest Lifestyles those are those are our grips are the guys that built Hollywood the guys that make the movie that actually make the movie and dress You my stylist Jennifer Mae Nichols lost everything lost her entire house Everything I have multiple friends who live in Altadena or Pasadena who lost their homes. My agent lost his home.

His family lost their home. And those are not Billy Crystal. Everyone's like, I wonder if he brought his Emmys with him and his Golden Globes. And you're like, no. He lost his house too? Billy Crystal lost everything. Really?

Lost everything. And a lot of, I mean, and those are palisades. Palisades is big money. That is where you make good money, you move to the palisades, and it's absolutely gorgeous. Yeah, it's great. Alta Dina, by the way, that's where regular, that's where, Leigh-Anne and I looked at Alta Dina

when we were looking to buy a house. Steve Byrne lived in Alta Dina with his family. Steve Renazzisi lived in Alta Dena with his family. Like that's where like, if you can afford a house for like $700,000 a million dollars, that's where you'd move, and I know those are wild numbers, but this is LA, things are different, everything's expensive, but those all burned down.

It's like 17,000 acres. And so, but I forget the point of what I was saying. Every year we set all sorts of big goals, but only 8% of people will stick with their resolutions all year long. But with Acorns, you can lock in years and years of healthy money habits in just five minutes. That's all the time it takes to open your account

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View important disclosures acorns.com slash bears. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. What do you want your 2025 story to be? Every January brings you 365 blank pages waiting to be filled. In 2025, maybe you're ready for a plot twist, or maybe there's a part of your story you've been wanting to revise. Life isn't about resolutions that fade by February.

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look. I have had what you would consider toothpaste phobia my entire life. There's something about the taste of those toothpastes that you see on the counters that as a kid, I always felt they were trying to trick me. I could taste that there was something in there to make me think I was, I've always had it. At times, I've brushed my teeth with soap. These are little tablets you pop in your mouth,

you chew up, and then you spread around and you brush your teeth. I'll do two at a time, and they are so enjoyable. you are like me and you sometimes just just do your toothbrush by yourself You don't want the toothpaste on dude. I'm telling you. I love this product It is the best product come across my table as as long as I've been podcasting I am obsessed unlock 10% off your entire order this January visit better biome.com and use promo code to bears at checkout Visit better biome.com and use promo code to bears at checkout but anyway, so anyway, we had to pack go bags because what happened last night is we're all at the office and

Runyon Canyon caught on fire. Yeah. Now. Here's that. Here's what I was trying to explain to you earlier There's a thing about rubber necking Where you kind of remember I'm trying to talk candidly and openly about it and I may say some wrong things. But where you watch the news and you see Alta Dena and you see the Palisades and you know it's so far away from you that you're almost watching out of curiosity, out of like, whoa whoa that's wild and then you don't it doesn't register with you it doesn't hit you yeah and then Runyon

Canyon caught on fire and I was like whoa that's close yeah and then it becomes a real and then and then all of a sudden this thing you've been watching the whole time becomes very intimate to you yeah it's like and I was like whoa and then this side of the hill caught on fire down by Down by wits it and Ventura that caught on fire and and by the way I think they're starting the fucking fires because there's no way embers from runyan could have gotten to there That was a fire that had to be started. You still think and that's one I Think it's probably Antifa or BLM. Yeah. That's fucking crazy.

Because I remember you were telling me that. You were like, don't say this on mic. But yeah. No, that's fucking nuts, man. No, it's- I think it's Anthony Jeselnik fans. It is crazy that people would start. And people who are starting fires,

they also feel like once this many fires are going, they're fuck it start another one if you're if you're of that mindset Yeah, start another one. Oh, there's a lot of kids that are like fuck it kill all CEOs Yeah, there are idiots that work in this office that thought that was a great idea Really? Yes, Tom. Yeah Yeah, do you know what they said to me the CEO of this company? Yeah, kill all CEOs and I went You know what they said to me, the CEO of this company? Yeah, kill all CEOs. And I went, huh?

And they're like, fuck them. And I was like, that's the generation. You get a 28 year old kid and they go, I think they just don't think making money is possible. America is kind of fucked. Well that is a big thing. That is a big thing, a difference between now and the 1950s, let's say.

In the 1950s, the big thing that kind of everybody bought into was hope. You had hope that you could get a house, a nice house in a nice neighborhood, that you could get a good job, that you could work it, that you'd have a nice pension, and that you'd have a good job, that you could work it, that you'd have a nice pension, and that you'd have a nice life. And one thing that's eroded over the last 70 years is the idea that everybody has hope. People just don't, they don't see that anymore. They just go, no, you just work to fucking catch up

on some bills that you never catch up on. And so, yeah, fuck people who have found a way To have that because I don't have it and there's a lot of people that think that way and I understand why why you would think That way I remember I mean look I'll be very candid I remember going to parties when I was married with Georgia and Isla and go to going to parties of people my age and they had like a two million dollar house and being like hopeless and being like, how the fuck did they do this?

Yeah, yeah, of course. And I'm asking like questions like, so what does your dad do? Like, how did you get, I don't like. I remember too, I remember when we lived and we were renting a place in Silver Lake and seeing like an open house. And we're in Silver Lake.

Silver Lake for people that don't know is the east side of Los Angeles. It's kind of a trendy hipster neighborhood. It used to be like a dicier neighborhood that kind of became gentrified, but it's kind of like a cool Williamsburg type of neighborhood in Los Angeles. And we're living there and you see like open house and you pull over and you just take like the flyer and you know, we're renting a place, I'm working the road 45 weeks a year. And you see the flyer and it's like $1.2 million

and you're like, what? Like how the fuck would I ever buy a house? Like that was just the thought, I guess we'll just, I guess maybe in a dream land, like how is this possible? This isn't, I'll be a renter for the rest of my life. Yeah. Of course. I gotta say the funniest phone call I got last night. Was it from maybe like 10 o'clock at night? Maybe 10. No, maybe no. It was probably like seven.

Was it Michael Winslow and he did a bunch of sounds and stuff? You're in the right, you're in the right area. Oh yeah? Dice. Oh, dice. Dice is so great. Dice is, hey, where are these fires? You know, I'm about to do a dice impression. Yeah.

Hey, dice, hell yeah. Hey, dice, you know, hey yeah. Burp. It's uncanny, I feel like he's right in front of me. Go ahead. But Dice is a dad, and his kids are here. And he knows I'm a dad, and he knows that, you know, we know each other, and he's like,

he's like, ask him where the fire is, tell him where his sons are, and he's like, if, you know, like in a real moment of passion, he goes, and I'm sorry if I'm oversharing. It made me laugh so hard. He goes, if my boys need some help, can you take care of them? And I said, of course, Dice.

I go, yeah, you need me to go get them and pick them up or something? And he goes, Bert, they're 34 and 32. I go, he goes, these fucking idiots, they won't fucking leave the house. He just made me laugh so hard because I only remember them when they were kids. So I just figured they're still kids

and they're in a house scared by themselves. They're grown men. They're 30, children at that age. With Dice, you never stopped being a dad. And Dice Man was all night texting me and calling me, checking on the fires. He was freaking out, man. I was freaking out too. Isla was losing her mind. Is she at college right now? She's at college. So, this is the thing that fascinated me. I'm curious to know, because I didn't see this out of me. So we so

Runyan catches on fire. We send everyone home. We're like everyone go home Everyone gets safe by the way, Sarah's got to drive over the hill She's got to drive over the hill by on Laurel Canyon Tom by the fucking fire and gets rear-ended on her way there Cuz no one's everyone's driving like it's Armageddon. Yeah fucking Hollywood Boulevard Bumper to bumper people leave their cars. I mean fucking chaos. It's chaos in Hollywood I can't my set the store and uh, that's a big deal These that are close the store. Is that on the news? Oh, they close the store. Okay, so We go home and Leanne says hey, are we gonna pack go bags?

Cuz you know, you never know. Yeah all these things that I thought were very valuable in my house like the trees I love the trees by my house. That's why I bought that house is the trees It makes you feel like you're not in LA now. Those are fucking tinderboxes waiting to go up I'm like these trees going what's in the go bad. Did you put passports? Okay Passports cash and you cock suckers. Did you put passports? OK. Passports, cash, guns, and that's all that's in the go back right there. Watches?

Hold on. So then Leanne says, what's valuable to you? And I said, I don't know. She goes, go room to room and see what's valuable to you. And so I'm like, I'm a really sentimental guy and you know how sensitive I am. I'm like, this is gonna, I go, babe, I shouldn't even look in the rooms because I'm going to take everything. She was like, no, go room to room. I'm going to go room to room. She goes up to the girls rooms. She texts the girls. Ila writes back, grab all my lamps. We're like, what? Lamps? I love my lamps and make sure to get all my clothes, my shoes, my, and we're

like, what the fuck? Ila wanted everything. Yeah. Ila wanted everything out of her room. And then I was like, what about your cat? She was like, God, of course bring my cat. And so I go room to room, Leanne gets like, gets all our pictures, gets our hard drives of all the childhood videos we have. She gets, Leanne got all her jewelry, everything. I went room to room, Tom, I didn't want anything in that house, I didn't want anything in that house.

I went room to room. Because they don't mean anything to you. Nothing, nothing, nothing. And I went, and I said, well I should get my watches just because it's money, you know? It is money, but I was like. Did you get the box, by the way? What box?

The watch box, the watch case. No. Wait, maybe? Did you send me one? Yeah. Was that you that sent it? Yeah. Let me check with Leanne.

I think it was, yeah, I think she thought it was someone else. Hold on. That was you that sent that? Yeah. Remember we had a conversation and I was like, it's better when you can see them. My wife. You know we started couples therapy yesterday. I did not.

No. You know we're on a podcast right now, right? Yeah. I don't care. Okay. I don't care. Playoffs. We're talking about playoffs? You bet we are. Get in on the action of DraftKings Sportsbook, an official sports betting partner of the NFL. Scoring touchdowns is the key to winning in the playoffs and you can score big by betting on them at DraftKings, the number one place to bet on touchdowns. Ready to place your first bet? Try betting on something simple like a player to score six or go to the DraftKings Sportsbook app and make your pick. I'm telling

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We were like, yeah, we should be in couples' therapy just to make sure we get in front of anything because we're by ourselves no kids I won the first one I fucking destroyed I won so hard I won so hard did you get the therapist to go like shook her I shook her she was awful she was like like you know when you when you cross over someone Yeah, and they're like and break their ankle that was the end of therapy Wow Congratulations. That's awesome. Anyway You thought that who'd you think it came from?

Leanne thought we bought it Leanne said oh, you know what this is? We bought this. There's a card in there. I'm bringing this up in couples therapy. Okay. Well, hey, by the way, I love that. I love that box. Thank you.

I'm glad. I'm glad. I love it. I really do love it. I can see the watches and I really love it. And by the way, because of that, I now will switch out watches on different days And I never would have ever done that. That's how we just put a watch on and just leave the rest in the closet There you go

But so I was like I'm gonna grab watches for my go-bag and then I was like guns. I'll get my guns I got my guns and then I Was I was high one time at Home Depot and I was like I was like, you know what? I'm gonna buy I'm gonna buy these like crazy panel lamps that are like 20,000 luminums or whatever yeah, and I'm gonna get a chainsaw just in case shit goes sideways I and I grabbed those my shotgun my chainsaw and my and my panel lamps And I was like grab my medication and that's it. That's it That's like a bag

There's nothing in this house that I want to take with me. And then is the bag like by the door? Like do you like leave it by the door or what? Yeah, no, I just left it by the fireplace, ironically. But I left it by the fireplace. And I was like, all right, if we need to go, we got it. We can take it, we can bounce. I can't believe I'm here.

I gotta get the fuck out of here. I don't know what I'm doing here. Dude, I was jealous that I didn't. A while ago, this is why we're looking at houses in Nashville right now, is my business manager said to me, you might want to diversify your properties. And I was like, what do you mean?

He's just like, I don't know, your houses are like a couple blocks from each other. Like if something happens to one of the houses might happen to the second house, like an earthquake. And I was like, I don't understand. And then I very quickly understood what he was saying, is I was like, oh my god, if something happens to this house,

it's happening to this house. The only thing I really, really, really, really, really wanted was my tour bus. Like that was the one thing I was like, I would, I could get in that tour bus and leave tomorrow and not have to pack a go bag. Just grab my shotgun and my chainsaw. Put a rock on the other wrist and bounce.

There you go. Give Ron a watch to make sure he drives the tour bus. Calm up. Yeah, cause- I'll eat like a king cause you know Ron's bringing his sisters. I haven't heard anything about violence yet because sometimes disasters trigger people in a way. But having protection is a good idea like you have. Oh, I got an AK-47, a shotgun. Okay.

Yeah. And two pistols, and a bow and arrow, and I have a bunch of knives, and a machete, and a chainsaw. Okay. I will, if someone tried to loot my house, I will take them captive, I will take them captive and bring them to the basement,

and they'll be my treat every time I feel bad, or like I read something negative on the internet, I'll go down and fucking torture them. I think crazy things a lot. every time I feel bad or like I read something negative on the internet, I'll go down and fucking torture them. I think crazy things a lot. Yeah. Especially in like moments of disaster where I go, hearing like my agent lost his house and the idea that like,

his kids have none of their shit. Yeah, it's really sad man Like it's they've none of their shit like it's just It's one thing to move and to like kind of clean up your house and stuff But where were they have nothing they were in El Pasadena, yeah and Pasadena and and it's just like it's heartbreaking and then think I mean you just start looking at your stuff you're like so I lose all my cars right all my cars are gone I still got to pay the note on them my house is gone my

other house is a block away that's gone my tour bus is gone my podcast studios gone like like wow this is really would you seriously would you move to Nashville? Is that what you would do? If everything burned here, yeah, I Don't know I'd probably why I know what I'd immediately do is I'd move into your fucking guest house in the back cool I Would absolutely move into your guest house? Okay, and I'd sell it to Netflix a new comedy series called uncle Bert And I'd raise your boys the boys still are like remember when fat sticks was here. I'm like, yeah I bet I wouldn't even recognize them right now now you wouldn't they've grown so much since you saw them last really Yeah, you're gonna let them play football

course Fucking straight, dude, I'm not gonna since you saw them last. Really? Yeah. Are you going to let them play football? Course. I'm not fucking straight, dude. I'm not going to. Yeah, I have zero hesitation about that. The, uh. I'm wanting it. I'm encouraging it. I'm also being like, hey, what, you know, you like,

you like Roblox? You want more Robux? Fucking play football. Some real benefits. There's a lot of bonuses. I wish both my girls had played more sports, and then one time Georgia goes, I only played softball to connect with you.

And I went, oh God. Oh really? Yeah. I would never liked it, dad. If my kids, when my kids get to like middle school, high school age, if they're like, yeah I'm thinking about playing football or whatever, I'll be like,

how's 10 Grands sound right now? For real. And if they're like, what? I'll be like, I'll give you $10,000 if you sign up. And if you don't, I'll take something away from you. Be like Sean Payton and create bounties on people. Might, dude, you know my dad told me that when I was going to college? When I was like, yeah, I'm done with football,

he was like, if you get a scholarship somewhere, I will give you that amount of money. That was like, really? Are you serious? Yeah, yeah, that's how much he wanted me, but I understand it now. I would definitely do the same thing. Yeah, it gives you something to look forward to.

I used to love going to softball games. Of course. It was awesome. And then when it stopped, I was like, I remember man, that was the biggest fight George and I ever got into. She quit softball during the pandemic. They weren't even playing, Tom.

They weren't even playing. And she quit. They weren't even practicing. She was on the team. I said, you're going to be a four-year lettered athlete. You're not going to play another game of softball. She goes, I'm quitting. And I was like, you're not quitting.

I'm telling you right now, we don't quit in this family. You're not quitting. She was like, I'm quitting. She was fucking 15, 15 years old. You're not quitting. And she fucking quit and sent the coach a letter. It was like, I quit. And then the coach reached out and I was like, I fucking lost my shit.

That's the one thing you don't get is like girls at like 15, every child, every father that has a 15 year old daughter is dealing with a whore right now. They suck so bad. They suck so bad. They, they're just. You know, I gotta say, you're totally accurate. I mean, we both had two sisters too,

and I remember that era, like when each of them got, basically like late middles, like 13, 14, like they both turned into such monsters and it doesn't taper off for a few years. They really were monsters. Oh, they were, it was brutal. I mean, it was, Georgia and I, thank God, when she went to college, I think she,

being away from me, she realized how much I loved her. I don't know, whatever reason, the first time I went up for like a parents weekend, we were back. It was like old school Georgia. And I was like, thank God. But it was a few years of shit. Through high school?

Yeah. Oh, it was so tough, dude. I remember, I was just talking to another dad about this the other day, I forget who, but I was like, yeah, and it brought back like psycho ex-boyfriend energy out of me. Where I was like, you know when you're getting cheated on and you can feel it, and you're back psycho ex-boyfriend energy out of me, where I was like, you know when you're getting cheated on and you can feel it

and you're like, something's happening. And then you start acting even crazier and then they want nothing to do with you? That was my relationship with Georgia. I remember one time saying to Leanne, I gotta pretend like I'm just not that into her, and Leanne's like, what the fuck? I can also already picture how, as Georgia now ages,

like when she's like 28, you're gonna be like, remember what a you were when you were freaking it up, you're gonna bring it up all the time. She's gonna be like, huh? You'd be like, you fucking sucked. You know what the coolest, I think I've told you this, you know the coolest thing? It's so funny, we're driving her to school,

me and Leanne, and she goes, she looks at me and she goes, yo, you know Duncan Trussell? And I was like, yeah. She was like, how long have you known him? I was like, I've known him probably since you were a little girl, since we moved in. That's when I met Duncan.

She was like, hold on, I can't believe you know my favorite podcaster. And I was like, you like Duncan? She's like, dad, I'm obsessed with him. And I got such cool credit points because I was friends with Duncan. And I was like, she was like, hold on, what's he like? And I was like, and then we listened to his podcast together.

I go, what made you think this? She goes, he was doing an episode with Natasha Legere. Do you know Natasha? And I was like, yeah, like Georgia. Of course I know Natasha. She goes, and your name came up, and dad, I have never been more freaked out in my life. I had to hit pause and go, what happened? Like she goes, I couldn't,

I was afraid they were gonna trash you and then I couldn't like my favorite podcaster anymore. And I was like, and it was, I know it was crazy, but it was, they were talking about Natasha taking her shirt off on stage. Oh yeah, cause you were there that day. Yeah, she was like, did that really happen? And I went, yeah. She was like, wait, wait, you were there that really yeah. Yeah. She was like did that really happen and I went yeah

She was like wait wait hold on and then we listened to Duncan's podcast together and George is like dad He is so fucking smart. I was like yeah, he's wildy. He's very yeah. Yeah, he um Now my kids are always like, do you know mr. Beast? I'm like, I mean no I know I know people that know him and they're like oh that'd be cool do you know Elon Musk I'm like no and they're like that'd be fucking cool do you know Donald Trump I'm like well for fuck's sake like could you get somebody a little fucking lower on the list Donald Trump I had a gig come to me and goes one of our family friends is like came up and he's like

You comedy, right? I was like, yeah, and he's like, do you know Tony Hinchcliffe? And I was like, yeah He's like you need to get on kill Tony. I was like, thanks. Thanks. I'm on it. He's like what I thought I've been on it. He's like no and I said no I have he goes no Like as a comic and I went do you want me to do one minute on kill Tony? He was like, yeah, do to really help your career. I was like will it I Was like cool. I was like I've been on the panel. I think that's better and he was like no no no no no Those comics they're the best comics in the world. Trust me. That would help you out and I was like, thank you Yeah, I was like just you know, I just comp tickets to the arena for your parents that I was that but

Doesn't matter. Yeah, well, it's a big show, man. A lot of fucking, a lot of stuff happening. Same kid. This is the best, okay, if you, this is the best thing I've ever done on accident that made me laugh hysterically. So that same kid, I wanna give him a shout out

because he's just, he's a fun fucking kid. We met up, when Leanne and I and the girls were in Italy, his family happened to be in Italy and we all met up. They were going to take a huge tour through the Amalfi Coast. This kid has got to be like 13 years old, maybe 14 years old. We were looking at the horrible, touristy hats. And one of the hats was covered in pot leaves.

And he was like, my parents would never let me have that hat. And I was like, fuck them, I'll buy it for you. And he was like, for real? And I was like, yeah, it is the dumb, it's like a black and just green pot leaves all over the hat. Yeah. So I buy it for him. Two weeks later, his mom texts me and she goes,

you ruined our vacation. Is that what? She goes, every picture we have of us on the Amalfi Coast, my son is wearing this horrible pot leaf hat. You made the laughing. And then she sent me pictures and it's them like on a beautiful boat. Their whole family. Everyone looks great. I want to make a shirt, Tom.

I want to make a shirt for two bears that we sell that you buy for your family's kid that's cool as shit it's a coveted shirt but you buy for someone in someone's family when they go on vacations and they wear that shirt and ruin every picture it should be pot leaves that is the dumbest shit you can buy like just covered in pot leaves it Just covered in pot leaves. Just pot leaves all over. It should be two bears with reggae fucking rasta hair, like dreads. And just pot leaves everywhere, just absurd.

It's so funny. Every picture, they're in, Tom, they're in like, there's one where they're all on a boat, they must've like rented a boat for the day, and they're all in white linen. Even the kid, and he's got this pot leaf hat on. I bought an El Chapo hat. It's just a hat of El Chapo, his face. And there's people who would be like, what the fuck

are you wearing that for? I'm like, well, it's dumb. I just got it. But I think we can do a whole line of El Chapo stuff. There's no way anybody has estate rights on that. They don't care. We should just do all cartel guys, like a cartel line. Escobar, El Chapo, the Arriero Felix brothers.

Just like a line of clothing to ruin pictures. El Chapo, the Arellano Felix brothers. Oh, just like a line of clothing to ruin pictures. Yeah, that's a good idea. A line of clothing for like a, we make a Christmas shirt and it's just a horrible Christmas shirt that people just go, oh, I'm wearing that to the picture. And then they, oh. I love it. That makes me laugh so hard.

Isla was so bad at taking pictures when she was a kid. She would make these faces, she would go, and I don't know why, but every one of our childhood pictures, she is making the most horrific faces. Well, I'm glad there's another kid doing that, because my fucking nine-year-old does that too. So every picture, I'm like, can you just fucking smile? And he goes like, I'm like, okay, this picture's horrible, man. Suckers. Have you guys done like a family photo? It's been a few years, yeah.

It was really fucking hard to get it. They were, they're both just insane on something like that. Especially, you just can't get Alice to, no. Like, yeah, I'm sure, we could do it, but it's difficult to get Alice to do it. It's hard to get her to do it. It's hard to get her to do it. It's hard to get her to do it. It's hard to get her to do it. It's hard to get her to do, especially you just can't get Alice to

know like yeah, I'm sure we could do it but It's it's difficult. Yeah, we probably should be that's maybe that's my goal is my goal is to just buy stuff for your kids That you don't want them to have cool. That is like like that's the fun part like like I Bought I bought mine. I bought my nephew one time a drum set. And they're like, what the fuck? We don't want him playing drums in the house. And you're like, yeah. By the way, do you do Christmas presents

for your sisters and their families too? Like you know. Not this year, but yeah. Yeah, so like we were doing, like you know, what do you want to get, that kind of thing. And you know, my sister would be like, what should we send your boys? I'm like, well, you know, he likes roadblocks,

he likes cars. And then she's like, oh yeah, you should get, you know, my daughter this. And then for my son, who's 12, she's like, maybe like a sofa. And I'm like, I'm sorry? Your 12 year old wants a sofa? That's what he was like, he was like, maybe like a sofa. And I'm like, I'm sorry? Your 12 year old wants a sofa? That's what he was like, he was like,

can Santa bring me a sofa? And I'm like, oh, is this for your living room? She's like, nah, he really wants. He really wants this sofa from Restoration Hardware. I'm like, cool. That feels weird. Oh my god. I have an uncle.

I have an uncle who's going through some health issues. And I reached out to his daughter, and I was like, hey, can I, how can I help? Like, how can I help? Is there anything I can do? And she was like, yeah, you know what you could do is you could remodel their bathroom. I'm like, what?

So crazy. Just, yeah, just like a full remodel and if you really want, their kitchen could use it too. And I was like, you want me to remodel their house? Yeah, dude, you asked to help, right? Don't you want to help? And my mom, who's I'm so used to that everyone knows us about her, but she's like traveling with us

over the holidays and she's like, I love her. Oh, is she getting her OnlyFans? We're working on it. She's coming in next week, we're going to be in studio with her and we're going to really try working on it. She's coming in next week. We're going to be in studio with her, and we're going to really try to encourage it. Trying to show her how this could really help her out. So she doesn't want to fart on it,

but I think we could probably work up to it. But she's going to do hopefully morning greetings and to show you what she's doing during your day. I think she could get a nice little following going. But she's like, I love your backpack. And I go, thanks. She's like, can I have it? And I go, of course not. I just got it, it's mine.

And she's like, I love it. I go, I don't care, you're not doing this. And she's like, oh, it's so nice. And I go, you don't even use a backpack. I travel every week with this thing. Yeah, she's like Can I have a bag you have so many bags and I'm like What the fuck man like and she's like you do and I'm like, yeah, I do I have a lot of luggage cuz I travel for a living so I go fine. I'll give you a bag you promise

I go. Yeah, I promise So I'm like, what kind do you want? And she's like the one you carry. I'm like a duffel bag I go you're 80 you're gonna like, a duffel bag? I go, you're 80. You're gonna throw a fucking duffel over your shoulder? And she's like, yes. And I'm like, okay. So I give her one and I'm like, here you go.

Here's a duffel, it's a nice duffel bag. And as I'm driving her, I'm like, you're not gonna use that. And she's like, why? I go, cause it's empty right now, right? Once you put shit in it, it's gonna weigh like 30 pounds. You're gonna lug a fucking bag around and she's like, I think you are right Fucking thank you. She's like I give it back to you. I'm like, yeah, that's not you're not giving me something. It's mine And she's like do you have a different bag that has wheels that I can have and I go fucking fine

I'll give you she I go, fucking fine. I'll give you. She's like, but it's nice. And I go, yeah, of course I'm always like, you could just buy one of these. She's like, and then every time I say that she's like, I don't have what you have. I don't have your income. And I'm like, yeah, but you act like you're destitute, like you're, you're on the welfare. You have, you could go buy a bag. No, I can't. If you don't want to give it to me, just won't have a bag and I'm like, okay Yeah, she did that with she did that with the phone she goes do you What kind of phone is it? I'm like, it's an iPhone. You know what the fuck it is. And she's like which one?

I'm like the latest one and she's like do you have one that maybe you don't use anymore that I could have and I go Absolutely not. No no and she's like Well, I have the iPhone 11 and I go great go buy the fucking 16 No, I won't do that and I go okay then stick with your fucking 11 And she's like why can't you just give me one of your old phone because I'm not doing that I throw them in fires. I just let them explode so She's like you throw them away. I go. Yeah computers

I break them in half and I throw them in a fire so she's like, you throw them away? I go, yeah, computers, I break them in half and I throw them in a fire. So you can't have any of them. Why can't you go to the store and buy a fucking phone? And she's just like, I'm not having this. She's like, I won't spend that kind of money. I'm like, all right, then just stick to your fucking 11. I'm not doing that.

I'm not buying you a phone. Go buy a phone. Is she full time in Austin now? Yeah Yeah, how often do you see her? I? Mean lately it's been Quite a bit. I mean, you know a few times a week at least, you know She's does she knock on the door. Does she walk in? Oh fuck. No, no, no, no she she'll She'll call she's scared to drive like. We can fucking pick her up or something.

She's not just gonna show up. And how often do you see your sister? Usually around the same amount of time. A few times a week, yeah. A few times a week. But also, I'm back to touring again, so I'm gonna be gone a lot. I assume they'll be at the house a good bit on weekends

that I'm going to, just to see the boys and be around. So they'll probably be at the house a good bit, but yeah, I mean. It's crazy that your sister lives in Austin and she's gotta start a life in Austin. Yeah, I know. I'm introducing her to people and she'll get her work stuff going,

but I think she's gonna like it a lot. If you could hook your sister up with one comic, who would it be? How old is she? 35? Something in late 30s. Yeah. I don't know. It's a pretty horrible thing to do to her.

I always tell when I meet people and they're like, oh, you should, don't you have any friends for this single woman? I'm like, I would not do that to you. You deserve better. Like, the comedians are not who you wanna be dating. No, I would never. They're such horrible people, most of them, you know?

That coming from a comedian, comedian marriage. Yeah, but like most comics, I'm like, yeah dude, you don't want this. You really don't. Yeah. There's really a small group that I would, I mean, I would actually have a hard time coming up with that list. Yeah, I can't imagine, I can't think of one comic

where I go, well like, Bobby Lee would be someone I'd set someone up with. Yeah, well that makes sense. I love Bobby. I love Bobby. I thought so on the other day, and he was like, he is just, he is always, always on. He's so funny. Like he's always funny. He's always funny.

He's so funny. And I texted him about the other night, and I go, are you safe? And he's like, yeah, I have a bag packed and all this. I go, well, don't wait. Like, just leave. And he's like. Oh, it was right by his house.

Yeah, he goes, oh, you do care about me. He goes, okay, I think I'm gonna leave now. I go, good. Like, I hate when people, the same thing when, when hurricane, you know, because we lived through so many hurricanes and people were like, I'm just gonna see how this goes. I go, you see the fucking trajectory.

It's on the news. Like, just go, leave. The first call I got was Miss Pat. I was the first person to call. Really? And then, yeah, Miss Pat called, called at like seven o'clock, when Runyon called on fire. She was like, you could tell she was,

I think she was getting ready for bed. She was like, how you doing, baby? I was like, good. I was like, we're fine. And I told her, you know who's funny? You know who reached out to Leanne? David Tell. Attell did?

Attell texted Leanne this morning. He's like, I'm worried about you guys. Are you safe? Wow. And I was like, he just, I was like, that's how bad my replying to texts are that no one even texts me. They text you safe? And I was like, that's how bad my replying to texts are that no one even texts me.

He's not gonna reply. Adam Ray called me first thing in the morning yesterday because there was a fire, not even a quarter of a mile from my sister's house, but a mile from where Adam and I live, and Adam Ray called and was like, hey, do we need to evacuate? I was like, what? Because I thought that we were totally safe.

And he was like, there's a fucking fire by Sepulveda in the 101, or what's Sepulveda in the 405. And I was like, holy shit. And I started freaking out. And I called my sister and I was like, are you evacuating? And she's like, I just ordered Postmates. I was like, why didn't you just make a cup of coffee? And she's like, I wanted a coffee with a lid on it

Wow Yeah, now I checked on I've checked on but I checked on all my Christian friends first and then kind of worked it down Through the other denominations, but yeah, I wanted to make sure that you know, I mean that they were doing it's crazy That like that like Muslim people picked one outfit and then stuck with it that like Muslim people picked one outfit and then stuck with it. You mean like the hijab or what are you talking about? Whatever the I mean the the robe. Oh yeah. Well I think it's just for so long. But it's good in that climate because it's a Middle Eastern wear right? Like that's not crazy that like they've never that it hasn't evolved? That they just pick... Hasn't like, it's just one thing.

It's almost like they go, this is perfect. You can't put on a perfect... Yeah, here's the thing. It kind of is. You ever worn one? Dude, I'm telling you what, I have and I fucking love them. Oh my god. I got one in Zanzibar. You understand why guys wear dresses too.

Because letting your nuts hang and feeling that breeze come up. Oh my god. Yeah. Dude, I would love, I would love if that, I mean, it's kind of a no brainer if America just was like, cause everyone wants to go towards socialism anyway, but if we just start with clothing, it's like the ultimate equalizer. Everyone looks the same. The North Koreans are good at that. There's only like a few outfits you're allowed to wear and there's only like six haircuts you can have, you know? For real? Yeah. You ever seen the same the North Koreans are good at that. There's only like a few outfits You're allowed to wear and there's only like six haircuts you can have, you know For real. Yeah, you ever seen the the North Korean barber list So if you go get a haircut in Pyongyang or anywhere in North Korea

There's like six and there you you pick one like that's it. You have one way. That's it Clothes is pretty much the same. You just wear like one of a few shirts or jackets. That's it. Clothes is pretty much the same. You just wear one of a few shirts or jackets, that's it. You just stick it. That's fucking brilliant. What could we do in America? They have a lot of good ideas. This is our uniform. Well, I mean, our uniform, it feels like maybe,

I feel like what's very American is old Western stuff. So cowboy shit, wouldn't that be the American standard standard that'd be a good standard like cowboy boots jeans yeah t-shirt or college shirt yeah that's blue or white you know there's not like a lot of color variation it should be like yeah white tee blue button-down collar shirt jeans boots it would be fun if they did it regionally so like just like we have the conferences in college football, so if you're like an SEC guy, you gotta wear khakis and a collared white shirt.

They fucking already do do that. They adhere to that. All those Southeastern boys, all the dipshits you see go into games on Saturdays that are pledging or whatever, they always look like tools. They always have on that same fucking goofy ass, yeah, it's like a country club outfit.

It's like blazer khakis, right? And they're there with their little fucking side piece who's in the dress. Yeah, there kinda already is uniforms a little bit for where you live. If you look at Brooklyn, it's like those cargo pants that are up to, they're like high waters with boots and and then and then a sailors cap and like they look like longshoremen but they don't really do actual physical labor the hipster outfit yeah yeah

hipster mustaches but here's the thing there's already too much variation for this you know you got if you're gonna do it North Korean style you got to pick like three looks I think there's like that is way too, you gotta tell that hipster guy to fucking clean it up. No more of that shit. Okay, yeah. Get rid of individualities. You know what they would like? They would like the fucking, the onesie.

Like a onesie should be an option. Like a janitor onesie, you know what I mean? Like the zip up in the back, and it, cause some hipsters will wear that kind of thing. That could be one of the selections. You're allowed to wear one of those in a muted color. I like that. I like that.

Maybe Muslims, I just found out Islam is the religion, Muslim is the people. I just learned that the other day. You just learned that? The other day I was watching a documentary on Constantinople, and they kept saying interchangeably Islamic and Muslim, and I was like, wait, which isople, and they kept saying interchangeably Islamic and Muslim, and I was like, wait, which is which?

Islam is the religion, yeah. Islamic people are people that follow Islam. Muslim people are also people that follow Islam. Muslims are practitioners of Islam, yeah. Yeah. But I was kind of blown away by the fact that they picked one outfit and they stuck with it, and that when they go out as boys, they're all wearing the same thing.

Like that's kind of wild. It's like going to a football game. And you're like, oh, okay, we're all wearing the same color. And we all have this jersey on. Yeah. Yeah, we're all gonna wear the same jersey. And then if you're not wearing our jersey,

we're gonna fucking kill you. Yeah. And they do do that. That's cool. Islam is like a fucking Dodgers game. Yeah, yeah. They're like, if you're a Giants fan, we're gonna beat you to death. Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty cool. Islam is like a fucking Dodgers game. Yeah, yeah, they're like, if you're a Giants fan, we're gonna beat you to death.

Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty cool. But I was like, I wonder if that takes, I wonder what that does. Wonder what, when you take clothing out of the spectrum of personality, I wonder what that does. It definitely does something because clothing is totally

an individual kind of expression, right? Like this thing is clothing gives you the option to present yourself in the way you want to present yourself to the world. It has an impact. Like somebody in a suit and tie you perceive differently, a thousand percent, than you do in fucking tracksuit, right? Like you just do. So it's nice to take away that freedom and individuality from people and that's kind of what the North Koreans have Done and I think what you're saying is be cool if we do it here in America. Yeah, I like it. Yes I like it a lot. I like it a lot. You can do jeans and t-shirts. It'll be one option okay, jeez and t-shirt onesie like zip up, you know and

Yeah cowboy outfit. Yeah. Which should you be allowed to wear a suit? Because suits are kind of the- Suits gotta be a thing. So four. You got four options. But here, once you put on suits,

you've established dominance in society. True. Like that's the cool thing about Islam is like you can't wear jewelry, like you can't look feminine. You can't wear gold. Gold. But you can't wear feminine jewelry and gold's feminine.

Men can't wear. That was the one you taught me that, that blew me away. Men can't wear gold. Muslim men can't wear gold. Muslim women can wear gold. And the reason that Muslim men can't wear gold is that it's a, it's a old thing. I think it's in the Quran. It's about something to do with like fertility. So it's not really like, you know, it's just like kind of like, I don't want to say like, here, this is probably

a better explanation than mine. Men can't wear gold. It's considered an excessive adornment that could lead to vanity, imitating women displaying arrogance, going against the Islamic principle of modesty and simplicity, based on interpretations of the prophets' traditions rather than explicit Quranic verses. Okay, and if you hit the key points,

the idea should be focused on inner strength and character. Yeah, okay, so I was taught something, or explained something different, but yeah, okay. So it's about appearing more modest. But I don't know why you'd want the women to appear not modest then, but yeah. Well, they can wear anything but gold. Now here's the question.

They've only got one race of people over there. We've got like four. Yeah. What we got? Black, Asian, white. Right. And Muslim. Well, that's yeah. Okay. So Muslim people, if you're in this country, you've got to go

old school Muslim. You can only wear. The what is it called that thing? What is it called? What is the traditional Muslim men clothing? That's one thing I've got an offer to go play in Abu Dhabi. A winter collection? Wait, let me see the winter collection. The thog.

So they can put on like a vest and shit? Looks like it. Oh yeah, those look good. Or you can step up your game. Yeah, those are nice. Still. I would go straight white robe all the way to the fucking floor.

Wear a hat every single day and I'd put on a rose gold watch and keep it just to myself. Would you do the rap? Yes I would do the rap. I would know you know what I do? I do the the Momar Gaddafi just the the yellow the red tablecloth smaller version with the with the band around it. Oh that one yeah. Yeah that's what I would rock. I would rock that. That's it. That's pretty. By the way I described that really good red tablecloth with a band on it.

It's an Italian tablecloth. What about the PLO style? What was the guy's name? What was the? PLO? That's a. What was his name? The guy from AeroFat.

AeroFat, yeah. AeroFat. What was AeroFat? Yeah, let's see AeroFat. Arafat, yeah. Arafat, what was Arafat? Yeah, let's see Arafat. Yeah, dude, that shit's tight. That's fucking badass. He wore that forever. That's almost like a Luis J Gomez hat where he wears the cowboy hat

but it's curled up on the sides. Also him with like that on and the Ray-Bans, that's a fucking look right there. That's a sick look. Yeah. Dude, that's a fucking look right there. That's a sick look. Yeah. Dude, that's a sick look. Yeah, fuck yeah, dude. One of the outfits we should allow in our country

is military greens. Military, like, you can wear military clothes. One of my favorite jokes, because people wear camo, all the camos like fashion now is like BJ Porter, this very funny writer, told me whenever he's in LA and he goes to like a Hollywood party and someone's wearing like a camo jacket, he'll just lean in and go, thank you for your service and they're like what? And they're just like it's just a fucking jack he's like, oh sorry, I just I thought

Thought it was from the your time in this military. I think people underestimate how funny Hollywood writers are It's painfully fun there there. I was I was with a writer at a dinner party This was this had to be I don't know, fucking, probably 10 years ago in Valley Village, where we used to live. And this guy came up with his boyfriend and he said, introduced himself, he's like, my name's Bill, this is my partner Mark.

And the guy goes, oh, you guys are cops? That's very funny. partner Mark and the guy goes, oh you guys are cops? That's very funny. Yeah. Maybe laugh. But you look at like, you know, like you look at like Nikki Glaser took that picture with all her writers for the Globes. Uh-huh. And I thought that was cool that she gave them credit because that was a monster performance. I didn't see it, I heard about it. I heard that it was amazing. She had, type in Nikki Glaser Beniflex joke. Oof, was that a burp?

That was bad, that was bad. God. You're gonna smell it. You're gonna smell it. Nikki Glaser's Beniflex joke was so good. But I thought it was cool that she like gave, when you saw that list of writers, the people that were in that writer's room, dude, monsters, monsters.

The funniest human beings in Hollywood and in New York were in that fucking room. And I mean, I'm saying, I looked at that thing and I was like, I mean, the skillset Nikki has is to know how to get whatever they're saying in that room in her voice and make it hers and really deliver it and like own it on stage. And I mean, she wildly went off script

towards the end of her thing because the closer didn't work. And so she had to remember one of the other jokes they had in the room. Like Nikki just, she destroyed. But I love that she gave credit to those writers because that writer's room was the funniest fucking, every one of those people, I was like, that person's made me cry laughing,

that person's made me cry laughing, and I like that she gave them credit. Well, one thing that's cool about this, Nikki's kind of ascent is that she is a fucking grinder. She has, Nikki is somebody who has worked so hard ascent is that she is a fucking grinder. She has, Nikki is somebody who has worked so hard and has done all the work and you know, you've been seeing her obviously for years, like just work the road, work the road,

get on stage like nightly, put out material and then she just, you know, just obviously like became a better and better and better comedian and got opportunities and capitalized on him. So I think she's just somebody that like in comedy people are genuinely happy for because she's really just earned everything that she's got right now. She's just, she's killed it. She, her last HBO Max special we watched with the girls which maybe wasn't appropriate, they were young, and it a monster special and then and that is the truth is that she is

someone that has gotten on stage every night and when she gets a job like this yeah she does not let them down she was like I will be with the writers every day five hours I will be going on stage running these jokes at night I will bring them with me I'm gonna take this I mean she takes it so seriously Yeah, she is a real fucking comic like this real Like her page her timing on that's perfect It is always fun that the cutaways whether people people laugh or are horrified, the cutaways are always great. It was Benny Blanco and Selena Gomez was a good one too, but you could tell that Benny

Blanco and Selena Gomez have heard that joke about them, is that know you know on paper she looks she's beautiful and Benny's like a regular looking guy but and so like you could tell that they were like I know where this is going but it was still a great joke it was she her joke was we want to thank Selena Gomez for being here and Benny Blanco would like to thank the genie that granted him that wish that he could date Selena Gomez. It was it was man. She was, she's a monster. I'll be at the Super Bowl with her this year, or the big game.

I'll be at the big game with her this year. Me, Tony Hinchcliffe, her and Adam Ray as Dr. Phil and a special surprise guest. Let me know if you wanna come. Let me know if you wanna come. Awesome, awesome. I'll be on tour this year, the whole year. Are you on for the whole year? Are you on for the whole year?

I'm on for the whole year. I'll be touring, well, right now through May, and then I'll announce fall dates. I'll take most of the summer off. I really enjoyed doing that last year, is like, instead of just pushing through it, is like enjoying summer. You know, like the boys are out of school, it's really like a great time, Instead of just pushing through it is enjoying summer.

The boys are out of school, it's really a great time. So I'll take 90% of the summer off and then get back to it in the fall. And then yeah, go through, oh there you go, there's your writers. There, look at that writers room. Yeah, strong. Mike Lawrence not wearing a suit. Is it Rich Voss's wife?

I like calling Rich Voss's wife instead of Bonnie McFarland. I'm sure she loves that. That's a fucking monster room of talent. Those are some of the greatest white voices working in comedy right there. Wait, not one black guy? Well, you said you wanted the best of the best, right? So there's, oh, there is an Asian. Yeah, there's diversity.

There's one Asian. When my writers' room was together, they were like, this is insane. People were telling me, they're like, this is insane, to have so many white writers. And I was like, really? And they were like, yeah, dude, this is crazy. Really?

Yeah, they were really blown away by it. I was like, this is who you fucking sent me to interview. Why don't you send more people? I mean, I didn't call these people up. You sent me people and said, meet these people. There's an interesting, being in a writer's room is so fun. I think. It's the best. It's the best.

It's just, it's the funnest, it is the funniest. It is all the kids in class that were funny as fuck, all in one room, and there's no rules. Yeah. It's cool. It's really cool. And it makes you funnier. It does, it elevates everything.

It elevates. It elevates everything. It elevates everything. There'sates everything. It elevates everything. There's no substitute. You get, it's like, what's better than a one funny person is fucking 12. You know? It's like you get all these minds together, it makes everything better.

Couple things, I have to pee. And I have to get on a fucking plane. I got to get out of here, dude. This is fucking crazy. No. Hey, do me a favor, take pics. See, even that's horrible, that I would say that. From the plane?

Take pictures from the plane. That's almost like Schadenfreuden of like, look how pretty all this loss is, you know? Here's what, take it back, don't say it, but just know that I will. Okay. Because I can't control myself. I'll send you photos.

That is crazy that people flying in or taking pictures at like people's loss. People lost their lives. No, I know. People died and people are like, that son looks so cool. Well they also just can't believe how horrific, it looks like a war zone. It looks like a war zone. Can I tell you the thing that bothered me the most is there is something in the internet's taken over, okay?

And I call it, for lack of better words, fucker in the pussy, okay? It's that energy of fucker in the pussy of like news crews are down on Hollywood Boulevard, Runyon's on fire, and they're like, hey, can I talk to you for a second? And people are, every individual is personally branding themselves or their product or they're promoting. Like one lady, everyone they interviewed was live on Instagram, they were live, right? So everyone wants to be their own news crew. Everyone's live and then the lady would be like,

hey, can you not look in your phone? And the woman just looked at her and she goes, I'm live right now. And the other lady's like, I'm on fucking TV. And she's like, yeah, but I'm live right now. One guy was like, yeah, this is crazy. It's so good I learned about this from PRC media. PRC media was so good.

And I've been following them and they're so, I'm watching all this. One guy goes, this was the best. And this was the kicker in the pussy or punch her in the Put whatever thing. Yeah one the one guy they go they go He goes what happened? She goes there's fires. He goes what he's fucking with her. He's clearly fucking with her. She goes Yeah, there's fires and he goes how she goes. I don he goes, wait, wait, wait, we can show this one.

I just sent it to- Please show it, please show it. Yeah, this, for people that didn't see this, this was great, this is great. He's like, wait, why are there fires? Why are there fires? You're the news, right? But yeah, this is great. The lady on NBC last night clearly has never

been to the Valley. Like she has never been to the valley. She's a westerner and she was like Freiman Canyon's on fire and everyone in our house was like that's really fucking close and she's like Alex Trebek's house is burned down and I'm in my head I was like okay hold on Alex Trebek's house is torn down when he died they tore it down and they're building houses on it they're building multiple houses on that lot and it's right next to Freiman Canyon and I'm like bitch you you gotta know where the hell you're talking about. You're not talking about the right places. And then she goes, correction, it's Runyon

Canyon. And we're like, Runyon Canyon. She was like, I'm sorry. You know, she's an idiot. Say that again. Why is it? Yeah, that's it. There are multiple fires that are taking place. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah., you're supposed to know. Well, I don't know how it started. We don't know how it started. There are, you know, winds. I think it's all the gay people in LA. Okay.

There we go. Okay. I got the, uh, I'm unacceptable. I like how they go, okay, all right. Okay. This guy is just... Dude, I would have stayed in the pocket and been like, what do you mean all the gay people? And she's like, you know, I mean yourself. Oh the destruction they caused and then God got mad

You know I'm saying start all these fires Okay, all right gotta run Good luck on the 405. Thanks, man. It was great to see you. It was great to see you. I'm glad you came in for this. Thank you. Thank you guys for watching. Thank you for listening. Stay safe. We love you.

We'll see you next week. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes to the top, the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call, Two Bears, One Cave.