2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Praying for Laughs w/ Jessica Kirson | 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 218

Episode Date: January 8, 2024

Comedian Jessica Kirson joins Tom Segura for this week’s episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave. They discuss therapy, the conflict in Israel, the effect it had on a trip Charo planned there, Jessica's crowd work special, buying an NFL football team, Jim Norton, beautiful trans women, self-sabotage, prayer, compliments, plus the importance of acceptance and creative control. Enjoy! https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Let's do a Mediterranean tour. Let's do it. We have the same age and put that fucker to work, right? Yeah. Last week he got me booked at a barn. It was horrible. 100%. Bird passed away. Seeing it for him. Thank God.

It's the great and hilarious Jessica Kerson, everybody. Letter here at oh How good is that feel it doesn't even face me? Yeah, right? I Know can you guys yell out you'll never make it? Are those fake laughs that they do or did they find that funny? No, no, that was real these guys don't they don't fake laugh. Okay. No, they don't go left It's you'll get you'll you'll hear a lot of silence really? No, no, that was real. These guys don't, they don't fake laugh. Okay. No, they don't fake laugh. It's, you'll get, you'll hear a lot of silence.

Really? So that's how you can tell. They laugh though. The last time I was here, when I was on your mount, they laughed a lot. Well, that was capital J, but he left. Did he die too? He looks like he's gonna die, but he's just, he moved on.

Well, he has a very powerful mighty laugh, and he was like a, you was like a big laugher. Okay. But he left and you can feel the whole. Yeah. Yeah. Well, explain to people what whole because they think my pussy. But I'm, I said to you, no matter how much people clap, it'll never fill the whole.

It won't. Never. And I'm somebody who got, like you know, you say that to most people and they go, well, people always moan at me. I'm like, stop., like, you know, you say that to most people and they go, oh, people always mown at me. I'm like, stop. It's, it's okay. I've accepted it. I'll never be okay. I'm right there with you.

I, I, here's the thing. I don't go like, well, why don't you, what I am more of the, of the mindset of is that I understand when somebody says that, because I think that, I think when, you know, when you're in high school, you go, if I can like make it and like make money, be somebody that people acknowledge,

then I'll feel like complete. Then the things that are inside of me that tell me that I'm not good enough will go away. Right. And I'll find and everyone will be like, yeah. You were the shit. And you'll be like, yeah, it feels great. And then you get on that path and you like your first time you make some money, you're like, oh, this is pretty cool. Yeah. And then you go like, yeah, but I still don't feel like great because of it. Yeah. So then you make, the thing is you go, I guess I need to make more money. Right.

And then you do that and you're like, oh, and then you get more recognized and you get more standing ovation and you get more, you know, entertainment industry bullshit. No, no, it's not. It's actually sadder because I'm aware that so many people love me and like want,

and then they're like, oh my God, I can't believe I'm aware that so many people love me and like, and then they're like, oh my God, I can't believe I'm meeting you. And I'm like, no, you don't understand. I'm literally not okay. So this is even more upsetting because you think it's exciting to meet me and I can barely get out of bed. So this is horrific that you think I'm so great.

Yeah, I have a horrible person and I'm about to be hospitalized. Yeah, yeah, no. But like, do you, what's your, because we talked about both, we both do therapy. Yeah. Therapy is important. I was mentioning to you that I know from conversations

that in Israel is the country where therapy is like the most prevalent. It's like everybody does. They have to be well, one of them knows that they want everyone wants them dead. Yeah, yeah, and they are they I mean, there's rockets constantly and they're they go to bomb shelters. I mean, how would you not have to go to there? You can't even find a therapist there. Probably right? Yeah,. I mean, now they're all dead. But this is the thing. They, Hamas looked for all the therapists and shot them so that everyone would be really traumatized. That's part of the trauma. That's actually a really good strategy. Yeah.

We're talking just tactics. Yeah. Yeah. They would take out their first. They were told to go in and find all the therapists and go for them first. Mission accomplished. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But do you find the practice of going, does it do something for you? At this point, no. It did for a while.

I've been in therapy since I'm eight because my mother's a therapist. Eighth? Yeah. But she wasn't your therapist at eight. No, but she's always done therapy with me. She even does it on me. Like she'll do it and not tell me.

So it's kind of like, me with therapy. Yeah, yeah. So she'll do like raking on me and I'll be like, what are you do? Like she'll go, and I'm like,

you need to ask me first before you just do therapy on me. Sure. You know, like, and she tries to tap me. She's like, let me just tap you and let me just do, I'm like, no, this is not appropriate.

Do you have siblings? Yeah, I have a lot. I mean, I have an older sister than I had four steps one passed away. One of my step brothers is Zach Braff from scrubs. Really? Yeah. That's one of your step brothers. Yes. Jesus. Oh, and I met one of your sisters. You met my older sister probably. It was constant, right? Oh, yes. That's my younger sister. She's my half. I have two halves. Okay. I met her once. Yeah. And I had four steps and one whole. It's a lot.

It's a lot. And then, yeah, but we all get along. It's amazing. And then how about how do are they all proponents of therapy to everyone in my family has gone to therapy? Yeah, done a lot of work and none of us are okay But here's the other thing don't you feel this this is something that I've come to after long Like after the life that I've lived thus far is you're like, oh, you know what though? Nobody's okay. Hey, and the people who are like I is you're like, oh, you know what, though? Nobody's okay. A, and the people who are like, I am, you're like, you're just unaware. You just have no awareness.

There's some people who are like, hi, how are you? I'm like, you're a second away from cutting. You're the most not okay. You know what I mean? Yeah. Or you're just a adult. Like, you meet these fucking like, they're like, huh, therapy.

And you're like, well, yeah, but like, you don't even have the capacity to look in where like you're fine. Maybe you don't. There are people who are okay. Yeah, I guess. And I'm jealous of them because I notice everything. Yeah. I'm even I take on other people's feelings. Like I could be in a supermarket and someone's down and then I'm really depressed. That's really horrific. It's horrible. So you just see them? If I got an emotional support animal, it would kill itself. Cause I'm so needy.

I believe that our dog. So we had the cutest fucking Brussels adorable. Oh, those are great. Adorable. I love Brussels sprouts. Yeah. And our youngest, you know, his allergies were terrible, terrible. We're taking to an allergist and he has the highest level allergy for dogs.

So they're like, you just, you got it. Oh, God. Right. So annoying kid. Annoying fucking kid, I call my mom who loves dogs and, you know, I go, will you take him? She's like, yeah, of course. We go to visit and this already small dog is now just bones and our theory is that the dog

is trying to kill itself because it's with my mother. Yeah. Like the dog knows. It's a slow suicide. That's why I blew up. Yeah, it was a fucking house. Yeah, it's a slow suicide. I was trying to kill myself.

Yeah, and so like when they were like, wait, the dog didn't have problems. And they're like, oh no, it's got all these problems. And I'm like, that's because of my mom. It's anorexic. Yes, like anorexic and it's hair is falling out. And it's just with my mom. And I'm like, that's how I was with you too.

So I think the dog is like, I can't stand this bitch. I don't want to live. That's so funny. I think that's what's really bitch. I don't want to live. That's so funny. I think that's what's really happening. I'm laughing that the dogs die. That's horrible. But we went to the allergist. Is the dog bleemicked?

Does it like shove its paw down its throat? Like it'll binge on Alpone and then be, it's a, yeah, I binge, you know, it, it binges. It does. It's a whole bag of food. And then it looks at my mom and he goes We just found out that He's been on these my son's been on these meds and they're doing they did blood work

And we'll find out if we can take her back and my theory is that if we can she's just gonna gain five pounds like in the month After we get her back like ah, thank you forget rescue me from that house Yeah, I really think it's going to happen. That's so interesting. Yeah, yeah. That's fucking man. There's there's certain people that you're around that you're like, oh man, like I can only take,

how much time can you take with your mom as an adult? Yeah, for me is a four. Yeah, 48 hours, seven. Well, now my mom, it's, she's very anxious. I mean, Jewish mothers get really anxious. And this would be a time to be very anxious. Well, yeah, I mean, it's, it's really not great. No.

It's not my fault. This is why it's like, I'm not calling Netanyahu like, can you please send more bombs to, I don't understand why we're in so much trouble here. Do you feel it? That yeah. Yeah, I feel it when I go on stage. I've never felt it before, but I'm like,

I feel like if I mention it, someone's just gonna do something. I don't know. Yeah. So do you talk about it on stage? Like is it? Well, I talk about being, I'm not religious. I mean, religious people don't accept me because I eat box. Yeah, I'm sure.

Yeah. But, and I do it in front of them when I do Orthodox shows. I bring up a whore and just eat her box, you know. That's my opening act. Yeah, well, that, I mean, that definitely gets the room feeling of certain. Yeah, and just like, shallow. I just, that's my hope,

like they, they don't love it. Stand up. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it's a, no, it's not a good. I'm just glad that they cover their elbows and knees, you know, because that's what turns me on the most is. Elbows and knees. Yeah, wrinkly elbow.

That's what I put in a porn search. I put wrinkly elbow rough extreme. Exima. Yeah. Suryasis. I am.inkly elbow rough extreme. Exima. Yeah. Suraiasis. I am. Yeah. Yeah, dude. I can't imagine. I mean, right now, I don't know. Do I have, I guess when I get into my Hitler chunk now, it's definitely a little different. Oh, yeah. I'm sure. Yeah. People are like, wait, where are you going? I'm like, I don't, you know, I mean, I'm not really happy about what happened.

And I feel like so many people are not acknowledging what happened in Israel. And they're very upset about what's going on, which I get. Like we're seeing horrific videos of what's going on in Gaza. And it's like, they assume that I'm okay with that. And I'm not okay with that at all. And I am devastated about what happened in Israel. I just performed there in the end of July and it's a beautiful happy play.

It's like, I don't think people understand what really happened there. Like, I have a friend who works for the news. Like, horrific things happen there. Yeah, no, horrible. Horrible. The thing that's never fair in these situations is like people don't let you have a human reaction. They don't.

To like the reaction really, what you're supposed to be able to do is say this was horrific. What happened, there's a terrorist attack that happened at a music field, people are just murdered who are having a party. And then you're all also allowed to say, I think it's horrific that innocent civilians and children

are dying and got like, it's very sick. First of all, I just, people don't know. No, it's, I don't like being told what to fucking do. Yeah, and what to think. I've never liked that. And I don't like being told what to fucking do. Yeah. And what to think.

I've never liked that. And I don't like when people are telling me, I need to just support this. I need to just support that. That's why we're comedians. Like, don't tell me what I need to do. Of course. And also, most of, I'd say 95, if not more,

percent of those people who were at that music festival hated the government and hated BB. I mean, like, it's like, they were probably protesting every week against him and the government. And, and there are people, a lot of people don't know that for the last like nine months, there's been hundreds of thousands of people in the streets protesting the Israel. Like, if you don't know, the Israeli government has been on the receiving end of the citizens marching in huge, I mean massive numbers. Hundreds, I saw it, hundreds of thousands of people against what they've been doing.

Yeah. That's like the, that's like, that's like every Tuesday for the last almost year. Yeah, in every in Jerusalem and Tel Aviv and the high for every last almost year. Was this? Was this? Jerusalem and Tel Aviv and Hype. Look at this fucking thing. Look how many people have been protesting the government. People, everyone thinks everyone's okay

with what's been going on. They're not. That's the thing that I've said this so many times, but the saddest thing about, because you don't get, there's always a counterbalance, I think. So now we have access to information. I know.

But now you can't trust information. So you get information for everywhere. Anywhere you look, there's information, but you have to vet information. Like you have to become an investor. Instead of like when we were kids, you just turn on ABC and Peter Jennings says, and you're like, oh, that's the fucking thing. It was just straightforward. Now you're like, what's their interest?

Who's sponsoring them? How much money's fun? You just don't know what you're seeing anymore. So you actually have to do the work, which sucks. And people see things and get very, like it's all about emotion. And also, I feel like a lot of people want to just be part of a group.

Very much so. And they also want to know what group you're in. Right. That's a big thing, is there a lot of... I do very big things. You say a thing and then they go, I know who you are and let's end the conversation. You're like, you're not supposed to be a complicated,

as if everyone's just supposed to be in each category. You see, they all loved Bernie. And then Bernie said he wanted peace on both sides and so many of them turned on him now. Now he is the devil. It's because he said both sides are, it's not okay. Right, because. Bring he both, you know, both sides are are you know, it's not okay. Right because bring the Hostages home and you know Israel needs to defend itself. I don't know. Not doing what they're doing, but they have to defend themselves. Sure. And Gaza, they have to stop the bombing and now because he said anything about Israel

Defending itself meaning defending their country. Not bombing the shit out of Gaza, but defending their country, not bombing the shit out of Gaza, but defending their country. Then he's done. He's done. So you're not, I mean, I don't know if I'm going to be done, but I think, I don't know if it's fair, I think Hamas is a bunch of goofballs. I think they're, they're just upset. Yeah.

They're a little angry. By the way, they're not fucking hanging out in Gaza anymore. I don't know where those guys are. They're not there, dude. First of all, the people that run Hamas are billionaires and they don't even live there. No, they're nowhere near that shit. You think they're under the tunnel, like dealing with like still dirt,

just hanging out, waiting. Yeah, they're gone, dude. It's a, it's a big problem. Plus the people, I'm sorry, but the people ripping down the posters and then you see, then you see the videos of them and a lot of these like young girls are smiling. Yeah. What is that? It's gross.

I can see you, first of all, to rip down a poster of a baby or a young child as a parent or an old person. Yeah. Like I get you might not agree with the posters. But I mean, but what is that? What is ripping down and it's so upsetting to me. Sure. And then in these videos, saying, they're not innocent. They're not innocent. It's like, you're not even a palestine. You're a white,

young girl. I can't handle it. I'm sorry. I can't handle it. And how are some not innocent who's just like, like, made an either place? I can't handle that. It's a baby. Yeah. Not innocent. The baby. The baby said, I want to go. Yeah. Can you take me? It's, the baby. The baby said, I want to go. Can you take me? It's, I can't.

I know. You know, I had booked months ago a trip for my mom, it's hardcore Catholic, and I was like, look, you don't have much time. You should really fucking, you know, do what you want to do, right? She's not sick, but I was just like, you're old. You're not going to live. I thought she was like had a disease. She's totally fine.

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So, so is my mom. Oh, yes. I was like, hey, you know, my dad died a couple of years ago. So I go, you know, how about I send you and your brother to Israel and you can hang out, you can see where JC used to kick it at the bars. And like, that's what flipped me out more than anything was all the stuff about Jesus.

I'm like, go. I flipped out over that. It was hometown. See where he went to school. See where he used to pick up chicks and just feel complete, right? And she's like, I mean, weeping at this, right? So then everything starts in Israel

and she's like, I guess we have to kind of sort of, kind of sort of trip and I go, why? I go, you'll be fine. And she goes, there's a war. I'm like, you're going to see Jesus. I go, if anything happens, you've got a first class ticket to where you want to go anyway. Yeah, yeah.

Just go. And she's like, you can't be serious. And I go, I'm totally serious. I spend a lot of fucking money and you're going. I cancel the trip. But now she's like, how about France? I was like, oh, is that where Jesus used to kick it in France? Yeah.

And she's like, no, there's like, I don't know. There's some religious thing that might like- There's a lot in France. But. And she's like, no, there's like, I don't know, there's some religious thing that might like- There's a lot in France. But she was really excited to go to Jesus. Yeah. It's, I was blown away with all this stuff about Jesus. There.

I really was. The first time I went, I could not believe, like the last supper, where the last supper was, like, it was amazing. I went to where he was supposedly baptized and it was really incredible. Yeah, we had it all lined up, right? So I had to like, try it like,

they would take you to every place and, you know, yeah, I was like, you're gonna fucking... Hopefully it'll be there and she can go. Yeah, yeah, hopefully. I mean, this may have scared any chance of that. I feel like if in a year from now on, everything's fine. She's like, it's not fine.

I don't know, she'll have a... It'll be fine. I think it'll be fine. It'll be fine. But she'll be, you know, scared. Yeah, do you visit it all this stuff? You went to all this stuff. I went to Israel twice.

I mean, the second time I was there was the end of July. Did shows and tell it to you? That's so recently. I know. I was just there. It's a tell of, you've never been. Never been. Tell of Eve is amazing.

I mean, it's like there's so many bars and restaurants people are out every night just partying. I mean, that's why people in its beaches and- And hot is really chicks. Hot. Yeah. The other hot. Yeah. I mean, that's why people in its beaches and. And hot is really chicks hot. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, everyone's hot there. The men, the women, everyone. It's really, it's like, you know, Italy. It's like where everyone's really good. Right. You're on the water and like, mm-hmm. Yeah. We should go on tour together. We should. Yeah. Yeah. Let's go there. Let's do a Mediterranean tour. Yeah, let's do it.

We'll do Italy, Greece. Oh my God. I would die to go on tour with you. You want to do it? Let's do it. We have the same agent. Yeah. Put that fucker to work, right? Yeah. Hey, man. Yeah, I know. Pick up the phone. What are you doing? I know. He does nothing. He's the best. Nice, great. I love. He's the best. That's great. I love that guy. That guy. That guy. That's me.

Last week he got me booked at a barn. It was horrible. Oh, dude. Wait, so before I don't want to forget, you have a special, a crowd work special on your on YouTube, right? On your YouTube page. Yeah, I decided to put it out on YouTube because I have like, I mean, God, I've like 850,000 followers now on YouTube.

I know. Congrats. It's great. It's awesome. And so I was, I filmed an all like all crowd work. It's called no material. And. That's balls, dude.

People don't know how fucking, I think that, I mean, some people are really good at it. You're gifted at it. There's only a few people that can really, because you know, there's a lot of comics that do that. I know. That Bullshit, like, I'm just gonna fucking wing it. And you're like, you're just doing all your bits.

I know you. I've seen you. I didn't do one bit. Obviously. Obviously. I would never do that. But I did it with a live band, which I really wanted to do, because I improv songs with the audience which is I think

some of the funniest shit on it. I've never sang in front of an audience. When you hit the stage on like a most like most nights, do you, on most nights do you open I have to with crowd work. I have to now because everyone expects it to launch it. I have to do it. So you can be run to the front. 10 minutes in and you haven't heard like a bit yet. I usually do about 20 minutes of crowd work. And then I do like, yeah, I have, and then I do like 45 to 50 of material because I'm telling you that's why they come now.

My tech talk and YouTube crowd. And just tearing people up. Yeah, they want to be, I mean, everyone wants to sit in the front, not everyone, but a lot of people. And so I did it at the comedy seller, I filmed two hours and I couldn't, we couldn't even choose the material. That's how amazing the crowds were. Really?

It was unreal. That's the best feeling. I think it's the funniest thing I ever did. I believe it. I believe it. I think so. Because there's something magical about crowd work when it's real. When the audiences are that hot,

it's, when they're not, it's not great, but they were unbelievable audiences. No, no dread like starting crowd work, but that doesn't, I know. That doesn't go anywhere. I guess, I guess. Well, I say to them, you're horrific. This is hard.

I mean, this is, you know, I tell the audience, they suck. I hate them. I hope they don't. I mean, I'm really, are you doing shows when you're here? No, I came for the day just to sleep with you, but I didn't, no, sleep.

I don't mean like, I don't mean to fuck. I mean to, yeah. I'm gonna screw you. Yeah, let's do it. And yeah, I know, I just came for the day, but I've done shows here, obviously, so many, I love performing in Austin. Yeah.

I love it. It's great. It's great. I mean, such great crowds. Yeah, and then we have like, and it keeps, you know, there's so many spots now, like there's Joe's Club, the last time I was here, I did. Taking the Kays Club, yeah. Cap City, and then there's so many spots now. Like there's Joe's Club, Mothers here. The last time I was here I did. Fake in the K.

Joe's Club, yeah. Cap City, and then there's all these little, like, we were walking around, because F1 was a few weeks ago, and people are barking at us, like you wanna go to a comedy show? I'm like, where? And then they're like, there's one here. Like people are like barking.

People bark to you? Well, bark to the people I was working with. Okay, I was like, yeah. In New York, they bark at me sometimes, and I'm like, no, I'm not bark that the people I was working with. Oh, okay. I was like, yeah. In New York, they bark at me sometimes, and I'm like, no, I'm not interested. Yeah. Barking me, people might not know what that means. Yeah.

They stand on the street and try to get you to come to the show and they hand you a flyer. Yeah. It's fucking some of the best comics you've never heard of. Right. You're like, okay, okay. Yeah. Do you want to see Joe Schmo?

He's amazing. Yeah. Yeah. He was on Byron Allen show. Uh-huh, that show. Oh, did you, I did it twice. You did? I never did. I never did. Oh, it's horrible. I had one offer and I didn't do it and then I didn't get an offer again. He'd lead you into the Jelodgesica. I heard that you like looking in the mirror. Yeah, that those, that's the setups were horrible. I remember a couple that I was like, I mean, it was what it was, but he was like, I think you turn to, I want to say Tommy Davidson,

and he goes, Tommy, I heard you do a great impression of a T-rex. Tommy was just like, what the fuck in my watching, you know, But then you kind of like enjoyed what it was. It was just ridiculous. One time I did it where no one laughed at my stuff, like the other comics didn't laugh. And I'm like, you guys suck. Suck, yeah. Like Byron has the personality of a fucking arm wall.

And then three of you are, I'm bombing in front of comics. Like you are horrible. Like at least chuckle. And that whole story of that guy is fascinating. Cause you watch that show, you're like, this guy is probably just hanging on for dear life to like, you know, pay his rent or something. And then someone's like, oh, this guy's like, you know,

look at Byron Allen's network, it's wild. He's worth, how much does he worth? Let's look it up. It's wild. He's worth how much is he worth? Let's look it up. It is insane. Hundreds of millions, I'm sure. 800 million. Yep. Byron Allen. I think he bought one of the slave. What did he bought? He bought one of the networks recently, one that you would, the weather channel. He bought the fucking weather channel. That's incredible. Isn't that crazy?

Yeah. By the way, they're never right. Never. Never. No. You do it here. I don't know if they predicted it, but like, yeah. All cash offer for the fucking weather channel. Cash? Yeah, $310 million.

That's insane to me. Did he, and he got it? Yeah, he bought it. He owns the weather channel. Where in hell would I be? Where do you get all that cash? It was always like, I was going to say, you're watching that show and you're like,

what the fuck is this? That's the dumbest question I've ever asked. The bank. I hate myself so much. What why? Say click that. He says he bought the weather channel to what? To save weather, to save your life.

What the fuck is he talking about? I, you know what, he's stupid. I don't understand this at all. Wait, can you go back to, like, can you go to his wiki because I'm just fascinated by this. I know he was a standup at one point, right? If it's to save my life,

I'm gonna watch it all day and night. He was a standup? I believe so. Yes, I believe he started that way. I think I think that is interesting. I didn't. So scroll down. Would have to put my glasses on.

Where are my, oh, here they are. Scroll down a little more. I had no idea. Yeah, at 14. He put together his first stand-up routine. 14. Becan appearing amateur night at comedy clubs in LA. So he was like one of those team kids doing stand-up, right? Jimmy Walker saw him when he was an asked him to join his writing team. What the fuck? He was on the tonight show. He opened for Dali Parton Gladys Knight in Lionel Richie. So like he had a pat, like that's obviously. Wow. Things are moving for you.

And then what, he established a production in 93. That's a fucking, that's early on. Okay, so he was doing like those press junket things and he must have figured out how to monetize those, right? Alan distributed the program under a bartered model in which it would be offered to stations at no cost with revenue sharing on advertising sales. The business model was not initially successful. Oh, and he lost a bunch of stuff in 2003 2003 he renamed it and he went into scripted programming including the first family mr. box office Later in the decade

He began to purchase various acquisitions. Okay, so distribution companies God damn and the company's 4.5 billion he off he made an offer to buy the Denver Broncos that's unbelievable. That's wild. Yeah, I still don't understand how it all became so profitable, but it's very... I guess he's just good at business. And clearly, I mean, clearly.

Yeah. We should make an offer to buy... What do you want to buy? Which we buy, which we buy, which we buy the... Who's not doing well? Cause we can't make a huge offer. I mean, the fucking Broncos are actually on the other day, but are there any winless teams this year?

Yeah, who hasn't won a game? Oh, wow. The Bears and the Panthers. I mean, Chicago's going to be expensive. Maybe Carolina. Yeah, Panthers. Yeah, it's easy to get to from New York too. That's true. Go down to Charlotte. Yeah, it's easy to get to from New York too. That's true.

Go down to Charlotte, it's probably a two-hour flight. I mean, they're racist, but who cares? It will have a team. Exactly. How much are the Panthers worth? Maybe we can make an offer during the podcast. Can Burke get in on it?

Because he's... Oh, yeah. I mean, you gotta do the bears, right? Well, they're gonna be way more, though. He just put in banchers. Oh, that's it. Oh, that's not a lot. I can put in, I can put in like 60,000. So with that movie, we let them know that we're serious. We're serious buyers, you know, I'm sorry. I'm coughing. I have COVID.

It's okay. It's okay. Yeah, this way they know we're real buyers. Yeah, what can you put in, like, if you can put in like 70, I think we could put it down payment. Because all we need to do is knock out, we gotta work on that point one, you know? That's 100 million, we can just chip away at that. The point one is enough to put down, right?

Totally. If we show up with 100 million. Do you know anything about football? Cause I think that would help. Yeah, no, I know, I know a little bit, sure. Yeah. I know about knee pads. Yeah. Do you know that those guys don't fucking wear them? Isn't that crazy? Oh, that won't help them. When you are, they wear knee pads. They're fucking psychos. When you are playing little league and in high school, that, you know, it's all obviously, you know, safety stuff, so though, you gotta wear it. Hip pads, thigh pads, knee pads, everything.

College, they kinda make them do things, but they start to chip away at it. NFL players. I had no idea. Most of them, you just see the pants on, no pads. What do they wear on their deck? Do they wear a cup? No.

What? Yeah, again, little league. I even do. Yeah, little league. I'm do. Yeah, little league. I'm serious. What, they don't protect it at all. They don't protect it. No.

And sometimes you'll see somebody like me, somebody, or grab them. I'm really, I'm not kidding. I'm surprised about that. That must kill. It's gotta be just so fucking brutal. Yeah, but they're all, you know, doped up. They're fucking fired up.

Yeah, it's crazy to be playing in the NFL with nothing. I'm serious. It's acting yourself. Yeah, they're, yeah. See these guys are like, nah, I don't want it. Slows me down, uncomfortable. I'd rather take a shot at my-

I'd rather lose a ball. Yeah. Yeah. Then have the discomfort a ball. Yeah. Yeah. Then have the discomfort of that. Yeah. Yeah, it blows me away. I've talked to someone about it and they're like, yeah, I just don't like it. I'm like, you don't like?

Wow. Having your balls? Like, don't, isn't that? I bet you don't see much of them though. And that looks uncomfortable though. And there's big dicks in the league too. I would assume that most of them have a big dick. Yeah, there's a lot of big dicks.

That's what, like every time I've introduced Christina to an NFL player, she's like, except the kickers. Yeah, yeah, no, no, no. No, the kickers are tiny. And the O-Lime and a lot of them probably, they're like the typical like big fat guy with a small, but like, What is she think when she meets them?

Well, she meets them and I'm like, Hey, this is, you know, so he plays in the NFL and she'll be like, what's the biggest dick you've seen in the locker room? I'm like, That's hysterical. And it's always some guy who's like, Uh, what?

Yeah. She's like, come on. Like, who's, who has the biggest thing? I'd be like, do you get along with your mother? That's what I would ask them. Or have you ever beaten the woman? Somebody told me though, they go, they, I can't say. Yeah, I get it.

But he was like, you know, we have these foot lockers, like in our, in our kind of cubby area. And he goes, I saw this well known player with his foot up on it as he was tallying off and under his thigh, you could see his dick from the other side. So in other words, it was holy shit. And you know who it is? I know who it is, yeah.

Oh, yeah. No, I'll tell you after. I'll show you a picture. I don't have a picture of his dick, but I'll have a picture of him. Oh, okay. And you'll be like, oh, that checks out. Yeah.

I wonder if any of them have a vagina. At this point, they might seriously everything, you know, and also there was that thing for a long time like, oh, you know, gay players in the I know and house, but then at this point, you're like, oh my god, every team has to have like Has to and some of them are a lot of them are probably with the trans I got every team has to have like, has to. And some of them are, a lot of them are probably with the trans person. That, that's yeah. And there's NBA people that are like,

pretty well known with that. Yeah. Yeah. So hot. So hot. I love you so much. Nice tits and a fucking cock. I mean, it was better.

I mean, some of them are like hotter than any woman. I, yeah. I saw a trans woman who I was like, God damn she's, and I had no idea, because you don't like now. You cannot, I, I'm telling you, I did a show in New York the other night at New York comedy club. There was a blonde woman on the side of me.

I'm like, you are so hot. What, you know, what's your deal, whatever? She told me she was trans. I was, I'm telling you, you would never, ever, ever know. And by the way, that's who needs to be at the front of the line speaking for the trans movement. I know. Like, don't get these bulldogs that are like,

you know, that look like my uncle Steve in a wig. And he's like, I want rights. Get a hot one. Everyone likes hot people. Gorgeous. Get the gorgeous people to be like, give us more rights. And then we're like, oh, I was freaking pretty hot.

Yeah. She's too busy getting fucked. Yeah, I believe in that. I'm shopping. Yeah. Like a, you know, Prada. It's amazing. It's amazing that somebody can pull that level off. There is

Absolutely no way you could ever tell yeah, and I'm I've rarely seen that I mean you cannot tell you couldn't tell I was shocked The whole show that one you know where they did the where they did the thing of me the That chicken that I couldn't believe she's where can I see a picture? I'm sure that it's in my, is it in my Instagram feed? Yeah, and it's a, yeah, it's a trans lady who I was like seriously, like, you know, it used to be pretty obvious. I guess in some cases it is, but in some cases it's definitely. And I've met a lot of trans guys that I had no idea. Really?

Oh yeah. Cause I feel like that's a, is that a tougher one? I don't know. Well no, a lot of them have full beards. I mean, they're very, very handsome. Like you can't tell. The thing is, if you are going from, if you're transitioning to a woman

and you start as a very masculine male. Yes, of course. And you have certain certain size and features. That's tough. Yeah, totally. But if you have, like, if you're small, smaller friend. And it's same, yeah. Yeah.

But I would imagine transitioning to male. If I was a male, I'd be a bear, like a gay bear. You know, I'd look like a bear. Sure. Yeah. I'd be such a hideous woman. Oh, my, you would. I'm sorry, I don't mean to.

No, it doesn't hurt my feelings. Yeah. It stopped me. I thought about it and it stopped me a few times because I know people would be like, come on bro. I saw a guy, I saw a guy who, I mean, this fucking guy, what, now I feel like an asshole. This lady was, Right, you have to say that. I know, this fucking guy, what, now I feel like an asshole, this lady was,

right, you have to say that. I know, I know. But I was in a restaurant and this lady walks in and heals in a form fitting dress. So a gown that is- You have to give her credit because those people don't care what people think. I was like, whoa.

But here's the thing, this person did not address anything upstairs. So the same hair, just earrings, and like, you know, some makeup, and you're like, oh. I think these people are amazing because they don't care what people think, and they just live their lives. That person doesn't give a fuck. Right. And like has, you know, just strutting around.

And so, and a lot of times, they're in relationships, the person they're with, I could care less, they're happy. They're happy. Yeah. I guess that's kind of like something we need to listen to, right? Like, I've seen people like that

who are religious Jews. Really? Mm-hmm. I can't, you know. Yep. I can't. That's not, I don't get it. Meaning, I don't get it because I can't, you know. Yep. I can't. That's not, I don't get it.

Meaning, I don't get it because I don't know how they are accepted in that community. Yeah. Like, I'm sure that's really hard. Really hard. Yeah. In any religious community. Right. I mean, any, right.

Yeah. But like, yeah, I mean, because there's people in any religious background doing that. You're like, that's fucking... I mean, even to be people in any religious background doing that, you're like, that's fucking. I mean, even to be gay. Yeah. Well, yeah, you still have people that are like, no, I was shunned and off-cars. Of course. Kicked out of my-

I mean, you can be gay, but you can't act on it. Right. Right. Disowned. It's fucking crazy. Oh, they sit, you know, sometimes in the Orthodox community, they still, a lot, they sit chive for you like you died. They literally sit chive for you. You died because you're gay.

Yes. Which I is so hurt. Who would do that with their child? No, I know that. It actually speaks of like something's wrong with, with you as a, as a parent. Well, they're programmed. Yeah, I know that. It actually speaks of like something's wrong with with you as a a parent. Well, they're program. They're they're really programmed. Yeah, your brainwashed essentially. Yeah. Were you ever religious? No, I was brought up reformed, which is the lowest. Yeah. Well, I shouldn't say that. It's not the lowest form because I did go to Hebrew school because like

everyone did. Okay. But I didn't learn one thing. And I had a bot mitzvah, which was everyone didn't where I grew up, but it was not religious at all. But I'm very, I'm into the customs traditions, like we celebrated, you know, Russia, Shana, young Kippur, Passover, and that's it. Like I don't even, you know.

So it's like a cultural. I don't even know the other holidays. It's a cultural identity. Yes, 100%. Yeah, we're the same way. I mean, I was raised probably, not probably, they were really hoping we would be, the kids would be as Catholic

as they are because they were both like pretty, pretty hard. I mean, there's definitely levels above it. There weren't like extremes, but, you know, it's like part of their identity was, you know, we always went to Mass every Sunday, and we did Sunday school when we were young, and we went to some Catholic school. Like we didn't always go,

because we moved a lot, but you know, I remember, there was no such thing as like, I don't wanna go to church on site. Like there were like, that's not an option. And then when I would come home from college, you know, they'd be like, have you been going to church? And I was like, yeah. And then, you know, so if you visited them,

you had to go. Yeah. And then into my 20s also, if I was ever visiting or they were visiting me, and it was just you went. And then there was just like, I still remember being home visiting them. And I'm like, I don't know, 32 or something. And they were like, are you going today? And I was like, no. And I was just waiting for them to give me shit. And they were like, okay.

Yeah. And just left came back. They didn't. Here's the other thing because I was also waiting for the one thing to go, you know, but I was waiting for the big guilt trip because they had like, they're fucking PhDs and you know, making you feel bad about not going. Yeah. And then that stopped and I was like, oh, this is good. Yeah, and then it just became like, oh yeah.

So now sometimes, sometimes my mom will be like, have you been praying and I go, yeah, of course. You don't pray? I mean, I would say there are times I've done it, but I can't say that I pray regularly. I do. Really? I don't pray regularly.

But I don't do it in a religious way. Oh, just like spiritual way? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, no, I've done it, you know, again, it's probably like more extreme circumstances, you know, it's not like a, it's not a nightly prayer. It's not like a, yeah.

My mom prays when we get in the car. I get that. I get that. Yeah. Yeah. But like, it has a whole blessing for the car ride. And then, you know, when you get back in the car, you hear it again. And then it used to be, if the drive was 15 minutes or longer,

she'd be like, why don't we pray the rosary? I'd be like, really? Wow, that's, yeah. Yeah, she'd pray the whole rosary. Yeah. Yeah, I do it before I go on stage, but it's very quick. It is? Yes, very, but I always say God, or whatever, hire,

please help me not be in my head, just help me, just make people laugh, give me, do the gift you gave me. I like that a lot. Yeah, just not make it about me, not sabotage myself, just give people laughter. I might steal that from you. People are having a hard time, they're suffering,

they're depressed, just give people laughter. That's exactly what I do believe I was given a gift. I think that's probably very true. I think we both were. I think every comic, every artist was given a gift. I think you're right about that. And I can get in my head and make it about me and I just wanna just get out of my own head.

But that's a ritual, that's part of the... Every time, because I get very self-involved and very self-centered. You know you can have it three times this week. I did a thousand people in front of me. And I can look at one guy and be like, Dad, and I will focus on that one man. Or the person who's not left. Exactly. And that's selfish.

That's self-involved. I have learned. I had to learn because it's a process. Because I used to, I used to very much be like that self involved. It is. I had to learn because it's a process, because he used to, I used to very much be like that. Yeah. Where I did, I can't stop looking at this person, not having a good time. And I've taught myself over all these years to go,

don't, like, I'll see it and I go, don't think about that person. Me too. And I'll see somebody having the time of their life and I go, focus on that person. Think about how good of it. You know what I mean? That's who you're performing to and just try to block this guy out. somebody having the time of their life and I go focus on that person. Think about how good of it. You know what I mean?

That's who you're performing to. And just try to block this guy out. Because it kills everything. It kills, and it's very selfish. It's very, and plus you don't know what I, now I always try to remember that people are going through, so you don't know who's, you know, partner just died or someone has a child who's sick or someone's lost their job. Like we just don't know who's, you know, partner just died or someone has a child who's sick

or someone's lost their job. Like we just don't know. You know what just happened to me? What? I was in this, I was, I was working the stuff out at this club on the road. And one of the very front tables, I had seen out of my, like I said, you learn

what to ignore and what to address by just doing this for a long time. And I see this young lady doing this, doing this, and I'm just ignoring it, right? I'm not gonna make it a thing. But in my head, it's there, and I'm getting to the 50 minute mark of the show. Like the show's gonna end soon.

And I go, hey, can I ask you what the fuck are you looking at? I go, is this, and we're having a great show. I should point. So there's a different part where you're like, if you're eating shit or something, you're not gonna point it out as much as you're. Of course.

So I was like, is this not, this isn't going well enough for you? And she's like, what? And I go, she goes, I'm just looking at my phone and I go, no, I've been watching you right. I'm like, so you can't pay attention to this for, you know, what it is, like we're all having a good time.

Yeah. And she's like, I have severe anxiety. And so when she said that, I just go, I go, all right, I just, I just go, I go, all right, I just, I let it, I go, that's fine. And of course, she goes right back, she goes, I just, I just look at it because it calms me down.

Oh. And I go, fine. The audience starts heckling her. Oh, no. Yeah, they're like, fucking put it down, stupid. Like they just start to like, and she starts to freak out Oh, and she starts to and I was like no, I go and they're like now fucking stop looking at your phone So then it created this like I was like no, I'm not trying to

To bully you. I just you know, I can't help you're in the front row and every two seconds You're looking at your phone right right, which is really not okay. That's super annoying. Yeah, she left Yeah, so she got up and left and then the person who stayed I was like he goes, yeah, she is like real And she honestly should not come and if she does she should sit in the back. Yeah, exactly Or in another room or it's not so distracting that room in front. Yeah, but I was like oh And they I mean sometimes it's like that like I the audience is rougher to the audience. I know. I know. Yeah. It can be bad.

Yeah. But I, people are really suffering out there. I mean, I just had a woman come up to me. I think I was in Syracuse. Yeah, I was in Syracuse. And she just said, you know, my son, oh, Deed, like two weeks ago, and I had to come out and laugh. And that's what I mean.

Like, we just don't know what people are going through. No, you never know. And obviously, if you're in a room with that many people, right, someone. If you were going through shit. Yeah. Yeah. 100%. Yeah.

Yeah. They found, you wanna see this beautiful trans woman? Yeah. Oh, I have to, yeah. This girl is every bit of a woman So they put my first half Special toy that you haven't played with yet, but look it. I mean first of all how did they do that with your face? They do it all the time deep fakes, but can you go back to the beginning of it like?

I don't know if you can pause it or not, but like look Come on. I would never know that that was a man, ever. I would be in the room, and then when she got naked, I'd be like, I guess I'm sucking your cock. Like, Jesus Christ. Me too. We're in the same situation. Right, yeah.

I'd let her plow my ass. Right. Kudos to you. You wouldn't, yeah, I'm sure. What am I, a fucking kid? Of course. Do whatever you want. I mean, let that is incredible.

Well, here's the part, and this is, I don't know if this is this is probably not okay to say, but she's- I love when you keep saying that. I know, I know. Because everything is so, you know, you have to, but it's like what's crazy to me is that, like obviously, like the face is, it's a beautiful face.

Beautiful. But the fact that like everything's feminine, the arms, the legs. She has fake boot. Well, first of all, that was one of the dumbest things I've ever said in my entire life. The fake, no shit. I know, that is really stupid.

No, it's inser natural. She just grew those. Estrogen's amazing. They, no, yeah, no, but it's incredible. It's really incredible because her body is so beautiful. Yeah. And her face is, I mean, look at her cheekbones. I'm telling you, man, like, how could...

How would, there's no way... Why are they laughing? Because we're just subject to find this person.? Because we're just objectifying this person. Yeah, we're literally sexually harassing her. Yeah, okay, take it down. Take it down. No, do you have one of her vagina? I mean, maybe she has a vagina. She's a doll performer.

Oh, can we watch? Sure. Yeah. Okay. Pull it up. The name's in the comments. Wait, let me take my pants off. Okay. Well, they'd dig that up. Yeah, okay pulling up the names in the comments wait, let me take my pants off. Okay

Well, they dig that up First of all, okay also you look fantastic. Thank you starving. Thank you The key is just not eating right Well, I'm I'm an addict So I'm sober. And I realize that I'm an addict with food. I don't think a lot of people understand this. That it's the same type of fix. It's the exact same thing for me. So I gave up foods, certain, I don't eat bread. I haven't had bread in three years. Isn't that insane? It is.

Sista? No. No pasta. Well, I've eaten like, um, Keenwap, you know, I've eaten different kinds of pasta. Not the, no. Don't you find that one of the craziest things that like when I started to like focus more on like health and fitness? Yeah, because you look great. Thank you. Um, is that when you see what I call a normal person's portion, you're like, oh, I guess I've been eating like a literal pig.

I slam it in. I mean, I talk about this on stage, but I fuck my face with food. I could start an only fans and make a shitload of money. Because I don't chew. I literally, I'm like a snake. I've jowled like I could, I could like shove it in because I'm angry too. So I just, I don't chew. I eat very fast and I could, even like healthy foods, I can just... Take no one, take, like, I don't take my time either with it. Of course not.

Shove it in. And I've heard it my whole life. They're like, why'd you eat so fast? I'm like, because there's a hole inside of me. I can't understand emotion. Like someone could turn around and my entire serving of meatloaf is gone. Yeah.

I like it on. And it steaks in a few bites. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I had to give up fruits. So there's certain foods I won't binge. Like I won't binge on brown rice,

but I don't eat regular rice. Right. Because I'll eat a bowl of it. And do you take our desserts just off, that you don't do that anymore? No. No, no, no, no. I don't do that anymore? No, no. No, seriously. I don't need a ton.

No, I don't need a lot of sugar. I mean, if there's sugar and like I'll have some ketchup or something. Yeah, yeah, I call that incidental sugar, right? Where there's like, there's something in the product, but it's not like pursuing sugar. You know, because I'll eat a whole pie. I'm like, like people are like, I'm just going to have a bite or two of pie. I'm like, are you kidding me? I'll take a ladle and just like, attack it. Yeah. I'd really, but you only understand that if you're that kind of pie. I'm like, are you kidding me? I'll take a ladle and just like attack it.

Yeah. I'd really, but you only understand that if you're that kind of person because a lot of people don't get it. Yeah, you're right. I understand. Yeah, of course, because they're actually normal healthy eaters. It's like someone tailed and they, well, why can't you just have a little bit of pot? I'm like, because that'll lead to like 78 pills and eating out of a garbage. Like, I'm an animal.

You can't do it. No. But it's great that you actually know that about yourself. A lot of people are, you know, still not there. Right. But the food thing that's always fascinating to people, myself included is that you go like, oh yeah, but like you have to have food. So it's like.

It's the hardest thing to work with because you have to, oh Lord, forget about the bread. Yeah. Now I want to say the top left picture is a lot. Yeah. Emma Rose is her name for people listening. She doesn't want Bob's shirt sure it's like Linda Simpson. Right? Sure. Emma Rose is a good name. John.

John Thompson. Right. I mean, look at her. That's crazy. Can you look up some of her work? Yeah, we want to see like rimming an asshole like Well a video yeah, yeah, oh my god Nice yeah for those listening were just watching the weather channel that by our now

It's been watching my crowd Oh, there you go. She. Oh, okay, look at the woman with the tied up with the ball gap. That's great. I love this scene. Me too, but I don't like her like moving. Oh, why is she hard?

I don't know. I like that too. What's that? That she's tied up with the whole game. I like it too. I like that. That's the white. I like that she's emotional about it. You know what she's like?

Me too. I feel like she's gassy. She's really suffering. Oh, yeah. I like that. Oh, turning away. Ah, she's spinning her in the chair. Nothing you can do about it stupid Now, don't they have to like get her involved isn't that always like the next step? Yeah, this is hot. Yeah

Great stuff. You can't tell what I'm playing with myself under the table me too You guys got to throw this microphone out. Yeah, okay, here we go. Oh, yeah, we're starting could you scrub a little Is this Oh there we go with the feet yeah nice Look at him. Oh, I know him. Who's that? Isn't that Pierce? Oh my God. I think it is, right? Do you like that foot thing? Yeah. Yeah, most guys do. That doesn't do anything for me. Really? Most guys do. I think I could be wrong, but I think a lot of guys are into feet. Yeah, probably. Yeah. I don't know what it is. There's a theory on that. I don't know. What is that? It's that there's a in the brain, there's

the part that there's called brain mapping. Yeah. And the part that is for the genitals is right next to the part that's for the feet and the theory is that they're crossing over. That's so interesting. That's like the more recent theory. Like the older theory is like the Freudian theory, which is like a baby crawls first by its mother's feet, so that's like the older theory on it.

But yeah, it is Pierce. Yeah, we're buddies with that guy. That is so, has he been on? on it, but yeah, it is Pierce. Yeah, we're buddies with that guy. That is so has he been on? He's done a bunch for our live shows. Yeah, he's really funny and he, um, he always does like these wild intro videos for us. We actually threw rings, you know, like ring tosses on his dick. No, uh, into a plunger that was in his asshole. And so you were ring tosses.

You guys are amazing. Yeah. He's a great performer. Can we try that with me? Sure. Yeah, I think we still have it actually. Can you wait till I get my chicken burger because I want to eat it while you're doing that?

They ordered me a chicken burger. Yeah, that's very nice. Would you watch your protein, Grams? I don't watch Grams, but I really only eat like protein vegetables, some fruit. Yeah. Yeah. And I don't mind it because I like healthy foods.

Now I wonder if she fucks people with her dick. I'm sure she does. Yeah. I'm sure. It didn't look very interesting. The dick? Yeah. The dick was kind of just chilling.

Yeah. But then again, this is like, you know, theatrics, right? It's a scene. But I'm sure in the personal life, she's like, I want a bus to not too. If... If... If...

If... Yeah. Yeah. We could probably find out. Yeah. Yeah. Let's just do that the rest of the podcast. Hahaha.

Hahaha. Do you know Beladana? Uh, yeah. I know who that is. Yes. Yes. Yes. Do you know Beladonna? Yeah, I know who that is, sure. Yeah, she's something else. She was a big star. I know. I believe that she's completely like, not just out of it.

She stopped. She's close friends with Jim Norton. Oh, really? He's probably close friends with a lot of people in that industry. I probably, yeah. Have you seen his wife? Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, she looks pretty feminine. Yeah, she's beautiful. Yeah, she does. She is beautiful. Yeah, and I just recently saw photos. Yeah. I mean, wow. Her body, look at her body in that picture.

Incredible. Yeah, good for him. Oh, he's so happy. Yeah, he looks really happy. And actually, if someone is just, like if they're posting these types of photos, they're either very happy or suffering beyond belief. That is, you know, because someone's making them do that shit

and they want to kill themselves. That is so funny. I thought that. But it registers as the first, as that he's actually really happy. Like, that's how it reads. You know, I think that like either he's really happy or she's like, you better post.

Oh, that's a big thing. I thought that exact thing I saw this this he seems you know, I've only he's been in love with her I've talked to him many times really he was he's been trying to get her here forever Right because she's from what is it? No, I'm joking She yeah, I think Norway and they're married now. Yeah wow That's hilarious Let's see

Norway Norway yeah No, she's trying to okay, yeah, wow. Yeah, I think she's beautiful She is good Good for him, man. Yeah, he does seem genuinely, like, giddy in his post. I know. And it's so like against the gym, Norton, that you know, as like a fan. I know. That's so funny.

Like, you know, I'm amazed by him. Like, I just love people like him. He is who he is and he doesn't care where people think. He's also, I would say, on the grand, and I've said this for a long time, the grand scale of things, I think he's actually a very underrated comic. I do too.

Because people, what they do is they put someone like him into a category, like everyone wants to kind of, I was like, oh, he's just a dirty filthy guy, but his stuff is like super thoughtful. It's really intelligent stuff. He is like, I mean, I think there's so many comics like that. Yeah, yeah, he has great takes.

Every time I watch him do stand up, I'm like, that's like top tier stand up. It's really good. I mean, now it's like, forget about TV. Yeah. Like what, I mean. The only TV you should do is TV, there's only two types of shows I think a comedian should ever do.

One is the type where you're in complete control, which is rare that you'd be in complete control of what you're doing. Like, it exists, it can happen, and the other is only doing a show that one of the great creators has come up with, you know, like... I mean, I have something going on, but it would only work if I was in complete control. That's what I'm saying. So like, everything else is a fucking waste of time. I know. It would be a nightmare. Total nightmare. If you don't have a say, you have to be in control of it.

You do. Yeah. Because you get everything that a comedian's in that is really awful, which is so many of those, is because they lost or lacked control. I just can see you being the lead of a sitcom. I mean, I had one where I've had everything kind of version of this, pilot that was, we had some control and then that didn't go somewhere.

Then I had one where they're like, you can get to do whatever you want on this. And it totally was not the case. And that thankfully didn't go. That would have been, that would have been like depressing to go through with. Then I had one where I was paired up with somebody really great, but I just didn't feel like it was the right show. I didn't wanna do it.

So when they offered, I was like, I don't wanna do it. They were like, what are you talking about? Oh, wow. I don't wanna do this. But I've talked about, I was in LA, I talked about a show, but it was the reason that it could work was because I was like, if I were to do this, here's how I would do it. So it's like total control and here's where I would do it.

And so like, if you want to do it, it would be all these things. Because that feels like, that's a good possibility. Now is that a possibility that feels like, that's a possibility. Now is that a possibility now? Yeah, it's a possibility. That's great. Yeah, I'd have to, you know, I have that too, and I'd have to do it in a certain place. You have to.

Yeah. It's not worth your time to not do that. No. It really isn't. The only thing, the version of it where it's worth your time is if it's 15 years ago, and you're like, I guess, this is like a way out, right?

But at this point. Is yours like a network thing or a, yeah, mine is maybe, I think so. That's why even more so, I'd have to really, yeah. Yeah, it's tough. I mean, it's tough to make it all line up. I mean, yeah, I mean, I don't know. Part of me also reminds myself

of how good we already have it. I know. You know, because you're like, what am I? Especially you. Look what you have here. No, it's been, this is an amazing place. Like we're super lucky. It is.

We're super lucky. We get to do this and do stand up. And it's like, it's all a really ever wanted to do. Yeah, I don't even, it's like what more, I mean, this is unbelievable stand up. And it's like, it's all a really ever wanted to do. Yeah, I don't even, it's like, what more, I mean, this is unbelievable. Yeah. And you have like an amazing, amazing fan base. Like there's, there's so supportive, they support art.

We do, like we did live streaming shows. I did, I did your show. Yeah, so it's like, that's the same concept, but instead of that show, we're trying another show. And like, that's what the this platform affords you the opportunity to do is like, they're like experiments, right? So, yeah. But it's like, you do it because you're just like, no, I want to do this. And no one's going to tell us, we can't do it. Yeah. Right? Like, that's, that's the part that's different. You used to have to go, here's my idea, no, we don't think what if you change this and now we can just go do it. So it's

a it's a that parts a dream. It's great. I mean, this, you know, if if this is a dream for comics because you have your own space, you have your own staff, you can produce anything you want. Yeah, it's a it's a special time right now that we're in. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like as comedians who do this. I know. This is like a...

I was like, I said it in an interview. I go, I know this shit would not be... If I was the same guy, the same age, and it would just happen to be 20 years ago, it would be a whole different life. Oh, me too. Yeah. But the social media part of it,

it's huge. Yeah, it changes everything. I never thought I'd be big on TikTok. Are you kidding? It's crazy. I'm not like 25, 30 years old, and this hot girl doing, I mean, it's just, it's crazy.

But those, that has become the place to post those clips, and they take off. I know. Yeah, it's pretty cool. I mean, a lot of them have like millions of, it's not crazy. Yeah. Millions of people are doing it.

I know. You can't do that on television. Like, it's just insane. And some of those fucking idiots still haven't figured it out. They're still trying to... Well, so many of them are resistant to it. Yeah. And it's like, you're stupid. You're resisting change so many of them are resistant to it. And it's like you're stupid.

You're resisting change, is this actually? Yeah, yeah. But then you're also not making any money. Right. And then you're complaining and you're bitter. So. And by the way, there's money still changing hands. It's just not going to you anymore.

Right. You know, that's the part you haven't figured out. Yeah. You have to adapt. You always have to adapt. Of course. I don't know if I was like you in this, but I remember when everyone was like,

get on TikTok, I was like, get the fuck out of here. I'm not getting on another platform posting stuff. You know what I was like, there's already a lot. Yeah, it's. But then there's a day where you go, oh, no, you have to. Like you just have to.

If you want to be in this, just, there's no, there's no option. I, yeah, of course, I was like TikTokck and then I started doing it and since ain't my whole Audience is from tick-tock in YouTube that's Instagram Facebook. I mean selling out just from All of that everyone that comes to my you deserve it more than anyone. Thank you. That's very sweet. It's very true I've worked my It's very sweet. It's very true. I've worked my ass off.

I know you have. That's why there's a- I can say that. I am filled with self-hatred, but I really have worked. You worked hard. I have. And you have the chops, you know, like this.

Thank you. Yeah, everyone's always, there's nobody who doesn't acknowledge how good you are. That's very sweet. It's very true. It's very true. Yeah. Yeah, I just, there's, I don't know,

there's some people who, you know, you can get that opportunity. What are you gonna do with it, but, there's some people who, you know, you can get that opportunity. What are you going to do with it, but you can actually run with it, you know? I can. I mean, I'm like you. I have that very blessed that I have that business sense. You know, I learned that from my parents, you know, a lot of comics don't. And it sucks. It's not their fault. They just don't know how to, you know, make it work. And in the business when I have that, I really know how to, you know, make it work. And in the business when I have that, I really know how to do it.

It's a taught learn. It is. It is. We're very fortunate. We are. Yeah, there's, like, I still have friends. I'm like, I don't know. I have all these tapes.

I know. And you'll tell them, like, you'll give them advice and they won't. They won't do it. No, I know. You know, they'll never do it. Maybe like you know I have the the email I met the guy that like runs Hulu. Do you think I should send him like yeah if you met him and he said email me like you still have to tell people that like

yeah dude you know that guy. I know and you have to be like humble but also assertive like some people just don't have that. They seem too desperate or they're too aggressive, like there's a very... There's an anxiety that I empathize with and insecure to the insecurity of it, because a lot of it is people go and like, I think if I just do good at my craft, that'll be enough.

And the reality is, it's not enough. And that's hard for people to accept that it's be enough. And the reality is, it's not enough. And that's hard for people to accept that it's not enough. Up totally, it's hard because it should make sense. It's supposed to make sense. If you're really good at something, you should be. That should be enough.

That's of course. It's not enough. But that's the same thing with musicians and athletes. I mean, it's the same thing. That's true, yeah. You still have to make other efforts. And you have to have a hook as a comic. Now, you have to stand out. Yeah. You have to. Do you tell people that? Yes. I tell everyone that you can't just have good jokes. You

can't just you have to sell yourself. There has to be something special about you. It's the selling point. You have to be honest and real. And you have to, you know, how many comics do you watch? You're like, oh my god, they're brilliant. Their jokes are brilliant. But what the hell would you do with that person?

Yeah, a lot. What would you do? They walk off stage and you're like, if I was a buyer, if I was a producer, if I was anything, well, I would not know what to do with them. Yeah. They couldn't even be the best friend on a sick, like on a show. They couldn't. I would have nothing to do with them, but they're a great comic writer. Yeah. It's, it's the part of this, like, because the thing I get asked the most, and I'm sure you get asked too,

is somebody that goes, why isn't so-and-so doing better? I'm like, you want me to comment on that? I get that a lot too. And then part of me wants to go, like, well, if we all knew exactly what... There's a lot of factors to that, though, because some people are known as not easy to work with.

That's a big one. That's a big one. And that, by the way, happens in not just in our field, in every field. If you're not cool to work with. Yeah, that's a big one. Yeah. And that's a lot of comics don't get that either. Yeah, there's a couple that like,

there's that expression I've heard specifically about someone who I'll tell you. When somebody asks holes, they're away out of an industry. Like it's a great expert. Like you can, you can fucking be such a dick that literally, even though you're actually, you are profitable. people just go like,

there's a lot of people like that. But that's what I mean about self sabotage. Yeah, they self sabotage. They totally do. You get in your own way. Yeah. And then they, And it's upsetting to see,

because they're so talented. Exactly. And then they go, I don't fucking know. You're like, you do know actually. Yeah. And they burn so many bridges that they will never go anywhere. I know, I know a few of them. It's me too.

What are you doing, man? Yeah. Man. Yeah, I know. Yeah, yeah, couple of fucking, it makes no sense, you know? But I guess like in the reality of somebody like that, it's actually probably, I mean, there's some, almost like you're sick. You're, you're, you're, you're, why would you do this? Doesn't, it doesn mean, there's some, almost like you're sick.

Why would you do this? It doesn't, it's not large. So you can't reason with someone doing that. No, you can't. And they're not going to put in millions of dollars, like an investment with someone that they know it's going to end up being a disaster. Sure, that's a big investment. People don't recognize that either.

That people are putting up real money when they give you like a show or a movie or something. Yeah. That's an investment in you. Well, I always say as a comic, you're your own business. You're the salesperson, you're the secretary or the drink. I mean, it's like you are... You're an entrepreneur, you're CEO of this company.

Exactly. You're the CEO. You have to sell yourself. Curse on ink, you know? Yeah, for sure. Yeah, I mean, you guys are a business. But you are perfect for your own show. Like you are a character.

Like when people look at you, hear you, your whole thing is a television show. Really? Yes. I never thought of myself as that. Totally, because also because you're so real and you talk about yourself and real stuff, you're honest, you're, so the cop,

I don't laugh at people that don't do that. I'm the same. Like I laugh really hard at Robert Kelly because he talks so much about his life. I have to see that to, I'm just saying. He's so funny to me. When somebody's like Robert or like you or like. Yeah, I do too.

I talk a lot about my life. That, I have to have that if you want, if I'm gonna have genuine tears and laughter. Mm-hmm. If it's, I can appreciate a well crafted joke where I go, this person is proficient, right? Because you go, that is proficient stand up. They know how to lay out the idea of the premise

and these are good jokes. But I'll just kind of watch that almost like intellectually like that was really. Me too, I just watch it and I'm like, oh, that's interesting. what a great joke writer. But to really laugh, I have to have the real shit. That's how I am, but you can see them like having a show around them.

That's true, that part's true, yeah. Robert, I've said this, but like he's such a good actor too. He's great because he's so real and in touch with his feelings. And he also works on himself. I think the best comics are the ones that work on themselves. I think you're right. I think look at us.

I know. It's like in a hundred years of therapy combined. Yeah. Yeah. Working on ourselves. But that is one of the reasons why you're so talented and so good because you work on yourself. You know, you're.

Yeah. And she said I was handsome when we started. You are. I mean, come on. You don't think you're handsome? No, I just feel like I have that thing where I'm always like, you're not. I understand that. You know, I mean, you're always kind of beating yourself up.

I'm always beating myself up. So I feel like I'm like that very much with like physique, body. So I'm always like, I need to do this more, you know. Were you complimented a lot as a kid? As a young kid? Yeah, I was complimenting you. I wasn't. No.

No. I was not. At all. Really? Yeah. Not at all. In the family? No. No.

And like teachers, strangers. No, I was not. Compton. I was always told how funny I am. So that was my very young age. I got so when I was, I always make fun of this, but like I used to always we'd be introduced I had two sisters so to be introduced and they'd be like my older

sister like she's brilliant she's she's amazing athlete she's got such a fun personality she's an extra way you know she's like straight A's and then my little sister they're like she's adorable she She's our baby. She's the cutest She's the sweetest and then I'd be like and they go he's really nice That feels good. He's okay. Yeah, he's very nice kid. Yeah, I was like is that it? Yeah, so I think I internalized that a lot Yeah, and then we moved a lot so then it just became, it became, he's really funny because I just tried to make everybody laugh. Me too.

From a very young age, because I realized how I could make friends and when people over, choose people, yeah. And now I'm like, oh fuck off. I'm not trying to make you laugh, dipshit. That's how I make people now. I hate making people laugh. Yeah.

I'm really happy with you. No, but you're very good looking and you're very sexy. Yeah. Yeah, female comics, I told you this in the beginning, but we've talked a bit, because we'll be like, there's really not a lot of hot male comics. A lot of gross ones. Yeah, they're disgusting, but.

Okay. All right. But there's some hot female comics that show their assholes on Instagram, but that's besides the point. No. You just see a picture of like inside an asshole, Yeah, that show their assholes on Instagram, but that's besides the point. You just see a picture of like inside an asshole like come see me in Houston. It's a great promo.

You got to help. You got to give it to him. That's how you sell it. Take it. That's where you read it about around the asshole. I'm going to take all these everything you said and go into my day like that. So thank you very much. Yeah. And I gotta tell you, it is always fun to see you.

You always make me laugh so much. And I'm super, I genuinely am super happy for your success. Thank you. And I can't wait to see it like continue. And it's just, I love talking to you. I do. We really should do like a run together. A you and I on tour would be a very good show.

That would be fun. We'll talk to our fucking agent when this is over. All right, we got a wrap. Jessica Kirsten, go to JessicaKirsten.com for tickets and check out her crowd work special on YouTube on her page. Yeah. It's no material, all crowd work. All crowd work.

It's, it's, there's going to be tons of clips of it on TikTok and on Instagram everywhere. I can't wait. Yeah, my YouTube is Jessica Kerson comedy. Perfect. Thank you for coming today. Thank you for having me. We'll see you next week guys.

Bye guys. Stories and birds, the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean. Here's another call to Bears One Cave.