2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Stavros Halkias | 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 215

Episode Date: December 11, 2023

Tickets are available now for YMH's new special event, 69 Minutes! Get your tickets at https://69minutes.ymhstudios.comA second show date has been added at the MGM Grand Garden Arena on Friday, February 9th at 9pm. Pre-sale tickets are live NOW, use the code: BEARS to experience both Tom and Bert on stage! Get your tickets at https://tomsegura.com/tour or https://www.bertbertbert.com/tourThis week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom is joined by comedian Stavros Halkias who's here to make the bear cave fat again! They talk about Greece, mafia movies, fat guy math, doing comedy specials in Austin and foreign family members. Tom shares some discoveries about his family history and the duo bond over their appreciation of steaks and dogs, before searching for a new Religious wife for Stavros!https://store.ymhstudios.com/

The world is in peril. It's chaos everywhere. We're not covering any of it, because we're too stupid. You're black, right? Right. Allegedly. Robert Paul Champagne. Awesome.

I want to take some wraps of the Joanne Pickleball and it's for Michael Jordan to make some Jordan's for Pickleball. You're Christmas, you guys. You sound like every gay in Manhattan. I feel gay. You tried out. Our washcloths for the pours.

How much is it gonna hurt again? What is going on? I never heard of the Pulitzer Prize. We sure haven't. Go to YMHStudios.com to get your tickets right now. Guys, it is on. We have added a show at the MGM Grand Garden Arena on Friday, February 9th at 9 PM.

Bert, Kreischer and I were tearing it up. We have a show Saturday. That show is rolling, so we added a Friday show. We got so many texts from athletes and an MMA fighter saying they couldn't make Saturday. We're like, you know what? Let's do another night. Presailed tickets are live.

Today, 7 a.m. Pacific Coast time, use the code bears. And the on sale will begin December 15th at 10 a.m. Get your tickets right now. You are not gonna miss this, wanna miss this, Tom and I, never get to go out and perform together. We are both gonna be going up, banging it out,

and it's gonna be a party. Burpurbert.com, ThomSagura.com, get your tickets. Right now. Get the bear cave a little fatter again. So you've even abandoned those? You're a day walker right now. You're blade. 100%.

We're back. And great news. Bert is getting a transplant and a transfusion. Both. Yeah, blood and bone marrow. As they said, it helps like with, he's got diabetes, he had renal failure. Yes. You know, he's got some fluid in the brain, but all that stuff is going to be taken care

of, hopefully. Shout out to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester. They slow him out. Yeah, so they have the best. He's like, I want the best. He's like, I tour on a high level, I want the best. I love that. Sitting in for him across the great stop roast, everybody.

Hey, Lo, how are we doing? Thank you, bro. Thanks for having me. Absolutely, just to have, so in case anybody doesn't know your new special fat rascal is out right now. Right now on Netflix. On the big N. The big N.

And we're on the N bomb. I never heard anybody call Netflix that. I will, I have to give credit to Mark Norma, he said it on my pod and I loved it so much. That's funny, man. I've been running with it. I just saw a clip of a guy, a weatherman, who's like, it's getting, he's like, he's with,

he's local news, and he's like, cold, and you know, it's starting to feel like later, in later October, or dare I say, the N word, and they're like, and they're like, oh, November? Nobody calls November the N word. they're like, oh, November? Nobody calls November the N word. I'm warning you. Yeah, awesome. And the anger is black.

That's so sick. To hint at that, it's one look here, this is barely anything. Yeah, right? We're filling time while people are picking up their kids, you know, while they're doing it, while they're writing the work. But to be on local news, where it's like wholesome and old people are watching and to hint at a slur. Yeah.

That's awesome. It's pretty awesome. Respect to that guy. Respect. And also to like, to try to assign that to the month of November is insane. Yeah. And the thing is, if you do that, you got to be positive about it. Yeah.

You got to, you can't be like, oh, dare I say the greatest month of all, the end word. You can't make it. Like, the end words, getting cold like the end words. It's the end word of months. You got to say that with an upbeat tone. Their had to be like, nothing would have been better than that commercial break. You know, where the producer's like, yeah, you're fucking mind. What are you doing, buddy? What are you doing, bro? We're live. Yeah. When did you think this was a good idea?

Do you think they have like a local news managers, they're like, buddy, you gotta, we need a viral clip. Oh, you need to hint at it. Can you do something? I don't know, something racial. Slow, what about maybe slowly start doing more self-tanner until it starts being on the edge of black? You know what I mean? Because there's a way that you can walk it up so slow.

Yeah, yeah, like no one knows you can't do it out of the gate. You can't do it out of the gate You got to start half-shade up. Yep each like every three days. I haven't done it yet Bert's been doing it a lot and he did that where he started subtle and then he showed up once I was like Whoo! What's going on? He's like, yeah, I went darker. Yeah, I can see that. And then Christina tried it and it was also very, very subtle. Yes. I think you really got to dip your toe.

You can't just. Can't cannonball in the- Do you spray tan? No, brother, this is all Mediterranean skin right here. That's right. Yeah, dude. You get nice and dark, though? Dude, I get awesome.

When I hit the first three days in Greece, it's like I'm a new man. Literally my brother, when we used to come home, from, because we would spend like six weeks in Greece, like the old immigrant, just, when, not a great vacation, I'm just living with my family. Like, they're in Athens, I was in Baltimore. Essentially the same life.

We're playing FIFA, we're playing pickup hoops. We go to the beach maybe three more times. We're in Greece, and we're eating my grandmother's shitty, you know, macaroni It's not even like you know whatever, but my brother would come home and He would people would start talking to him in Southeast Baltimore in the middle school he went to is Mostly spanish, Hispanic people. Yeah start talking him in Spanish because he's like oh, right long hair He would get darkest shit. My brother's got a little more Turkish blood in him, we think. That's what that's all right.

Yeah. That's something I noticed with, I guess I had less exposure as a kid to, you know, like Greek people in high numbers. We got a little, there's like, everyone keeps something to go to tarp and springs or something. And there's a bunch there. There's a bunch there, but Florida is not a... But when I hear a Greek national speak English, my ear a lot of times I just hear Latin root.

So I'll be like, oh, they speak Spanish. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no. We have a little, yeah, when I tried to pick up Spanish, I quit it very easily. I got it, but I didn't pick it up. But the pronunciation was not hard. Not hard, right. So you can kinda like,

so is your Greek pretty good? Greek, yeah, I'm fluent in Greek. Oh, that's right, yeah. So that was at home all the time. At home, my dad was, my dad was one of those immigrants that like talks about how much he hated America. You know what I mean? One of those guys that's like pissed off,

he's like, I can't believe I'm fucking here. Like, you know, hated it. My mom, he claims my mom trapped him, you know what I mean? Like, and your mom's American? No, no, she's Greek too. She's Greek too. She's, her family moved here in the 70s and then my mom moved him, you know what I mean? And your mom's American? No, no, she's Greek too. She's, her family moved here in the 70s and then my mom moved back to Greece

because she was like, America's bullshit. I wanna go back to Greece, you know? And I mean, it's tough to go to Baltimore, you know what I mean? Like, you'd be like, I can't wait to, you're in Greece in the 70s and you're like, wow, Hollywood, New York City and then you're like Baltimore. the 70s and you're like, wow, Hollywood, New York City, and then you're like Baltimore, fresh off white flight, fresh off the city,

you know, industries abandoning and it's starting to turn to shit before the, we're on the upswing now, Baltimore's going up, and so she moved back and then they came to America and I was like, let's go visit my family for a year, see what's happening and then they just stayed. So I didn't, I went to preschool with an accent.

I was like, Hello, I am Stavros, you know, ABCD, literally, and have to get into my classroom like that, because when I was growing up, it was like 60% Greek people in my neighborhood. Oh, really?

So you guys lived in a Greek neighborhood. When my parents moved, I think that's kind of why they stayed. Because this is like the 80s when they moved back. Dude, there was like in Greek speaking theater, like local theater, like they were put on productions and like enough people would come to see them and pay for tickets.

That was like a sustainable cultural event in the neighborhood. It was crazy. It was really, I mean, it's unfortunately, kind of like defused now, but it was cool. I like to, I always feel like it's weird when somebody, not that you do this, but some people have like their identity is their ethnicity. And then you're like, oh wow, like so they're like, you're all about being Italian.

Like I was Italian, like I don't speak Italian. Like what the fuck man? That's brutal. That's step one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And those are the worst ones. Yeah. Oh my fucking God, you don't, yeah. And those are the worst ones. Yeah. Oh my fucking guy, you don't even know

what it's like to be eye-pounding. And it's like, come on man. You've watched the same movies I watched. Yeah, yeah, that's a nice. I like movies, but don't speak the language. And my favorite episode of Soprano's when they go over there. And it's like, and Pauli is just so disrespected

by all the actual Italians. Where they where they're just like they're like, you know, these Borish Americans, they're like totally fucking guy wants tomato sauce. You know what I'm like, they're making, he has for gravy and they're all snickering at him. Yeah, and he doesn't know how to take it. It's yeah, yeah, yeah, for Parmesan on your seafood.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, get out of here, dude. Yeah, yeah, I think it's really, because like, if you're American and you just watch those movies, your idea of what Italian is is not what Italian is. Right, right, right. That's a movie. Yes.

That person is an American Italian. Well, and especially the Godfather apparently complete bullshit. Like just not how the mafia worked at all. Sure. That's not what those people are like at all. But the later, you know, Scorsese was real. I mean, he grew up there. He was really about, you know, reality, various militant, and all that kind of shit. And, but which is cool. And the same thing with the sopranos, like they were really, but yeah, those people are fucking trash. They're scumbag murdering you. And look, I look, goodfellas probably my favorite movie. I'm a basic, I'm the male version of a basic bitch. Yeah.

Give that's male pumpkin spice is goodfellas. I never fucking fucking rules. Yeah. Um, but those people are dog shit. Like you should never, and it's so funny to think about like the guys who look up to them, but are also cowards. Yeah. It's like aspiring murderous and like the guy who would up to them, but are also cowards. It's like aspiring murderous and like the guy who would if he had the courage. You know, like, like that's, and that's what happens. I'm just talking to that. Sorry to call you.

Yeah. But you know, there would be criminals, but they're just cowards. And that's like, I wish I could be a piece of shit like this guy. Yeah. One day, I wish I could give my 19 year old mistress brain damage when she disrespects my mother's linguine. Unfortunately, I just don't have the heart and I let her get away with it. I saw a thing with some mob guy, you know, interview, an older guy who was like, yeah, when the godfather came out, we were like,

oh, like this is what we should dress like. Like they changed it, yeah. From that, and then the best are like, now there's like so many docs. The podcast are crazy, by the way, Mafia guys are now just podcasted. All of them. It's crazy.

Cause they're all ratted by the way. You know, they're like, nothing worse than a rat, they're all rat. You fucking rat, they all fucking snitch. Everyone snitch, that's why they're all ratted by the way. You know, they're like, if nothing worse than a rat, they're all rat, you fucking rat. They all fucking snitch. Everyone snitch. That's why they're doing podcast. The only one who didn't is Gotti, he died in prison. The rest of them just all were like,

I don't want to go to prison, but yeah, I understand. I get it, I'd rat in a heartbeat. But the best are like, there's the FBI guys that, you know, we're working these cases. They do all these like bio, you know, docs about it. Yeah, yeah, no, I love all of them. They're great. And there's one dude, I gotta wish I knew this guy's name.

But he's in a bunch of them. He's like, you don't understand how fucking stupid these guys are. He's like, these guys, he's like, you see him glorified and movies and all this shit, he goes, listen to the tapes. They have the vocabulary of a fucking third grade. Yeah, they don't know shit. They're dumb. They're just dumb fucking dogs Imagine being so stupid that a cop feels and to actually superior to you A big cop is like

Read a fucking book every once in a while You know, I'm sorry read the funny pages every once in a while. But they are, he's right. When you listen to the tapes, the tapes of these guys, like talking their business, it is, it's like fucking middle schoolers. No, I mean, at the heart of it was just pure violence. That's all there is to it.

It's like, yes, some of them, obviously some of them were like smart, you know, just, because the thing is, it's not like, yeah, you talk about organized crime, but the organized crime, it's really just like a multi-level marketing thing. It's like a pyramid that goes, that's the organization. And yes, in theory, you're like protected

if you're a made guy, but there wasn't like, okay guys, welcome to being in the mob one, two. Today we learned shaking people down. It was like, hey, you have to go make me $1,000 or I'll beat the fuck out of you. And there was like every guy just came up with their own way to do that. So it's like, and so some of them were like, you know, I mean, the classics are bookmaking and beating the fuck out of people. Yeah.

Yeah. And you know, prostitution drugs, I mean, let you know, let that's the other thing. Later on, some of them got into that. I love the idea that there was honor. Some of them wouldn't do prostitution. Get that shit out of this house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But shake people down, that's a good one. Yeah, shake people down to classic.

I mean, I forget the guy's name is Française. Michael Française, who he came up with a gas scam. Yes, that's right. He does a bunch of podcasts that guy. He's a huge podcast. And he claims he only read it. Yes, that's right. He does a bunch of podcasts that guy. He's a huge podcast. And he claims he only read it, yeah, François. He claims he only read it because his dad okayed a hit on him,

which if you're gonna give anybody the okay to snitch, it's your own father's like, your father not being like, come on guys, can we not kill it? Can we just fucking, he's a dog, can we rip his tongue out, maybe? Can we make him so he can't read? He's a dog. Who ripped his tongue out, maybe? He makes me, he makes me, he makes me, he makes me, he makes me, he makes me, he makes me me, he makes me, he makes me, he makes me, he makes me, he makes me, he makes me, he makes me,

he makes me, he makes me, he makes me, he makes me, he makes me, he makes me, he makes me, he makes me, he makes me, he makes me, he makes me, he makes me, he makes me, he makes me, he makes me, he makes me, he makes me, he makes me, he makes me, he makes me, he makes me, he makes me, he makes me, he makes me, he makes me, he makes me, he makes me, he makes me, he makes me, he makes me, he makes me, he makes me, he makes me, he makes me, he makes me, That's simple. It's just like you have to be so morally bankrupt that you just, that it's killing, taking somebody's life doesn't matter to you at all. It's really crazy how comfortable they got with murder and how they always saw it as like,

yeah, but he's another mob guy. Right. So it's not really like, that's still bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a bad guy. I got rid of a bad guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay.

Cool, man. There's honor in this. Yeah, that's why I do think yeah, yeah, okay cool man. There's honor in this yet. That's why I do think the surprise is the best Representation. I mean also that's what I really loved about The last Corsese the when they're all fucking old the Irishman. Yeah where it's just like it just shows you where this ends up Yeah, even if you even if you get out of this alive and you get out of jail and you end up free, it's like the nearest characters in a fucking, he's in a fucking retirement home alone, his family doesn't talk to him. Yeah.

He killed his own best friend and it's like the, the last shot of the movie is him asking the lady to, you know, crack the door open just a little bit the way Hafe did when they shared sweets. Mm-hmm. And it's like, his only solace is remembering the times he had with the guy he killed in cold blood, brutal stuff. That's brutal. And at that movie's interesting too,

it's like maybe it's like a metaphor for just mob movies. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, it's over. We've done it all. We've said it all. We're all old. It's like, you know, the genre is done. It's almost like Scorsese putting a little period on it.

I mean, it kind of like, what else are you going to make? I mean, here's the other thing is that watching these things now, Netflix came out with that goddy thing a while ago, you know, highlighting his run. Yeah. And you kind of, and then how that led to kind of the eradication of the mob in New York, and then you kind of, and then how that led to kind of the eradication of the mob right in New York And then you kind of party wants to go man be cool if they came back, you know, like When are we gonna get the mob back? I will say there is something to

As everything I just said about these guys are pieces of shit, and I want them back Now it's like well, it's like now who runs gambling fucking I don't want I back. Now it's like, well, it's like, now who runs gambling? Fucking, I don't want, I mean, a company I advertise for. You know what I mean? But it's like, it's like, it's like, there is something, you don't even feel it anymore.

These people just ruin you. It's just like right to your bank account. And it's just like, there used to be some, you know, mob guys had to at least like, you know, keep some record. It's someone's show up with a with a fucking baseball. Let's earn the month. Let's earn this guy ruining his family. He really feels fear

at these risks of that. You gotta think when a parlay hit when a guy killing you was on the fucking table nothing feels as good as that. Yes, we've made it safer but the guy who wins and saves his life temporarily. Oh my God. We can't, that weekend where he goes home and is able to put food on the table and not die. And that must have felt, because there's no rush like that. No rush like that. That's why you go back, dude.

Yeah, these giant companies have robbed us of that. I mean, it is funny, because, yeah, it's like the more cashless society gets and the more like everything is automatic, the less margins, it's like where more cashless society gets and the more like everything is automatic and the less margins, it's like where the mafia exists is also where like fun existed. You know what I mean? Because it's like, it was a little lawless, it was a little, whatever.

And it was like, those are the corners where it's like, yeah, you go do a little crime. You know what I mean? We all did a little petty crime, a little petty, whatever. And it's just like now everything is like, you know, direct deposit. There's no place for scams, but there's no place for like, you know, hiding $500 from your wife.

So you and the boys can do a little yack. You know what I mean, like old times. You know, it's like everything. There is a, here I am romanticizing the very thing I said was dog shit, but, you know, it is, this isn't that much better. It's just, you know, our overlords now are like huge tech banks, huge corporations that are much easier. One thing I will say not to get tinfoil hat with it, it's much easier for like somebody

to control everything now, whereas like back then, try getting a bunch of Italians to do your bidding. Impossible. You know what I mean? I find like, I think that though how, you know, there's like, there's still neighborhoods and areas that are falling apart. Like, and it kind of makes you think, is that what will spawn something like a mob again? Because typically, neighborhoods that are distressed and feel fear of like, then these guys come up and they go,

nothing's gonna happen to you. But then there's just an exchange. It'll cost you. Yeah, and then that neighborhood actually becomes safe. No, great, there's no break-ins anymore, nothing. The only thing is, I just gotta kind of break my back for this guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The only thing is there is no upward mobility for me. Yeah, and in some fat dickhead in a trax suit gets to buy diamonds for his wife. Like because I'm working overtime at the grocery store. Just to pay this asshole. Yeah. By the way, no disrespect to fat dickheads. I'm one of those. Or trax suits.

Or trax suits. That's me. That's, I will say I love the style of them off you. I have really incorporated a lot of that in my personal. Sure. That's my personal style. I soldier and a fucking doctor. Yeah, absolutely. I do dress like a guy about to die It has no idea. You know what I mean? Like a guy's like, hey boy. Oh, yeah, boss But me by myself you want me to meet you this midnight? I'll be there That is my fucking look you know Beat it. That's like, that is my fucking look.

We had to get in a stopby. Yeah, yeah. I had a big mouth. I was slipping. Talking a lot. I would be bragging about being in the mob to get pussy for sure. I would be just, my hand on that high B, B high hair dude.

You know what I mean? And like Jersey in the 60s. I'd be that real soldier right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, yeah, I mean, shut out to the fat. Look, I'm happy to be here, by the way, to get the bear cave a little fatter again. That's one thing I had, look, as a fan of the show,

I've seen Stamos was on it. Matt Rife, let's get it fat back in here. Let's respect to those guys, but you've even abandoned us, you know, I'm sorry. You're trying. In the end of the light, you know how people try and look at people hot, like, you know? I'm sorry. You're trying. You're trying. In the end of the light, you know how like, people try and look at people hot. Like, you know, when you look at your mirror in yourself,

you try and like make out the atmosphere. You try to do the, yeah. I'm the opposite of you where I'm like, I'm trying to make out a little titty. You know what I mean? I'm trying to look at your least flattering angle. It is, yeah. You're like, no, he's still fat.

He's still, yeah, he's still. He's still us. He's still got him. He's still there. I'm still on your team, dude. It's getting dangerous there. You're getting close. You're a day walker right now. You're blade. Well, don't forget you still got a bird. He's that way. Yeah, but he's doing a bizarre. He's on yeah, you know what? He's actually the day walker. Yeah, because he's like he fluctuates so

hysterically wildly where it's like he's here. He he's with us, and then you see fucking pictures of him, and I'm like, what is this fucking guy doing? He just did 83 days without booze. In scene. 83, and he said he ate pretty clean. Yeah, he looked good in pictures. And in those, I think so 83 days is what? It's almost three months.

Yeah. And I think he drops like close to 40,000. That's insane, dude. But that just tells you what the booze for him is. Of course. Normally is. When I was at my fat as people would be like, I just stopped drinking.

I'm like, I don't drink really. Dude, I hate that. Dude, you know how many tips I get where it's like, no, so does don't drink soda. Go for a walk. I walk every day. I go for a walk. Everything people tell me.

And they're like, and they're like, ah, stop. You got me. You know what I mean? It's like, I don't know what the fuck it is. I mean, look, I think it's mostly midnight desserts for me. Late nights, the worst. I'm a late night.

I'm a little late night slut. And then, you know, anything bad happens. I gotta eat anything good happens. Yeah. Gotta have a little ice cream. No, same, dude. It's always like, and it is like, you can have great, like, morning lunch. And it's like, all of a sudden, like, it's past seven, and it is like, you can have great morning lunch. And it's like, all of a sudden, it's past seven,

and you're like, you should be like, I'm just done eating for the day. And that's when you can add thousands of calories. Dude, last night, I'm in my hotel room alone, and I'm like, I had a pretty good day. And in my head, I'm like, that was last night. I didn't go crazy. I didn't have a big meal at the end. And I was like, and then I like woke

up. And I was like, Oh, I ate an entire box of like hotel room cookies. I ate, you know, two protein bars. That's my favorite fact. I was, is the protein bars that are like candy bars now? I'm like, fuck, I didn't work out that day by the way. I didn't just live the single thing. But I'm like, I need my fucking protein. I need my protein. I need my smores flavored protein bar. I know, they're candy bars. They're candy bars. I know.

Peanut butter, dark chocolate. Yeah. But just because I didn't have fries, I was like, it's a victory for me. I had a very fat moment where I was in the airport. I flew here from, I was in Philly. And I was in, I'm getting, first of all, just what I ordered is a fat guy move

where it's like, I'm in Philly, there's right next to my, I was set up for failure. Across from my gate is a cheese steak place, operating at 9 a.m., right? 9 a.m. The cheese steaks are fucking rolling. I'm like, I'm gonna fill a delphy. Yeah, what am I gonna do?

Not eat this? I'm sure they have a breakfast option. Literally tele-related a crack and egg on to my cheesecake steak so that that's breakfast option. Literally tell the lady to crack an egg onto my cheesecake steak so that that's breakfast now. You know what I mean? That's the ultimate fat guy, like the fat guy. I know this like, well, I would have gotten a bacon egg and cheese and you could argue

that this steak meat is healthier than bacon. Sure, and it's a protein to it, right? It's high protein. Yeah, I have to go do 12 body weight squats later. So I need a lot of protein. And then I get my thing and of course I tear off a little bit of bread from each side because now I'm like, yeah, come on, that's low carb now. And then there was a woman eating across me, hot girl by herself, full cheese steak, fries.

Clearly she's not going to eat, you know, she's not gonna eat everything. She's just like a hot woman who's like, I've done all the math, right? She's in Philly, she feels like she has to have a cheese steak. But she's hidden one eighth of the whole thing and I can tell she's winding down and in my head, I'm like, ask her for a fry. Yeah.

Like the stranger, I'm like, go up to ask her for a good fries. What's the fucking big deal? And I'm like, yeah, you want, I didn't order them. And I'm just doing this and I'm like the stranger, I'm like go up to ask your fucking fries. What's the fucking big deal? And I'm like, yeah, you want, I mean, I didn't order them. And I'm just doing this and I'm like, and as I'm finishing my fucking, like, you know, my steak, the voice in my eyes, like, ask your for a fry. It's like, you know in a horror movie when the child is like revealed to be Satan,

slow, and he's like the closer you get to the cross, the more he's like, rawr, for his like, mommy, it's me, what are you talking about? And he's like, it's me what are you talking about yeah it's like it's me mommy but the cross the way that's the voice of my I'd be like that's the fucking one for a fry you're almost on the fucking sandwich

get a fucking fry and I'm like I just have to eat it fast so that I don't he does cost this yeah imagine this think about this woman a fat guy who's been staring at her probably doesn't know me I'm staring at you in a completely non-sexual I'm just like so focused, you know what I mean?

She thinks I'm trying to think about kidnapping her probably. Imagine if I fuck and little does she know I'm just fat as shit. Imagine I walk up to her and I'm like, hello, hello Miss. Hope you're having a good breakfast. I noticed you had a lot of fries left over. You think maybe I could get four or five. Just have two nice bites with the rest of my cheese steak. I'm Tom Segura. I'm Christina P.

I'm Rob Eiler. I'm Jamie Linsigler. I'm Dr. Drew. I'm Lauren Compton. I'm not in the show for real. 69 minutes. You give us an hour. We'll miss nine minutes of our program.

Like that's amazing. I'm like, it is insane. And it totally speaks to, and I want it, if it was, you know, if there was no social morease, I would have done it 100% my heart was like, hey, yeah, I'll throw that out. It's like, what?

Like just leave it when you're done, just leave it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. I should, yeah, I put on a polo, like I work at the airport. I'm just like, ma'am, now there's bus boys at the terminal, fuckin' whatever. Yeah, dude, just a, and if she had walked up to me and been like, would you like some of my fries?

It would have been the happiest moment of my fuckin' life. But of course, you know, you the fuck would do that. So you had to let those fries go. I'd let them go, but just the fact that it was that intense in my head, I was like, I totally understand it. I'm done. I'm done. I had to let them go, but just the fact that it was that intense in my head, I was like, I totally understand it. I've done all the snack I met. Yes, yes, yes.

And then the best one for me was like, it could be a 45 minute workout where you just got a good sweat in. And I would be like, I am good for 8,000 calories today. Like, I just killed it. I know. And anything that came in my direction after that, I was like, yeah, I busted my ass.

Fucking deserve it. Just fucking crazy about, yeah. Desserts, I was like, yeah. And then I would think about, this is how crazy, I would think about like elite athletes that I've just seen in some promo or something eating. I'm like, yeah, he does it too. And it's like, I'm just like, yeah, Michael Phelps.

Yeah, I pull up Michael Phelps diet from when he, he won the most gold medals of any human being on earth. And I'm like, I should eat 10,000 calories a day. Look at this guy, why can't I eat for that? Like, yeah, we're doing the same thing. But this pretty close. Dude, I was on the elliptical forever. So on the elliptical.

That's the same as swimming 15 miles. I got on a row machine after an elderly woman and bumped it up five pounds. They let reps in her. I did do it. See a pizza. Here's the thing, when you, the thing that for me at least in my system, if I meet in pretty clean,

when I throw a disruption in that, like yesterday, I was here, I was about to leave, and they had ordered a bunch of pizzas, and I was like, I'll have a slice. Yes. One slice of pizza, just the fat content of a greasy pizza which is delicious, completely fucking wrecked me, for eight hours.

Oh yeah. For eight hours I was like, ugh. No dude I know. It destroyed me for like eight hours. Oh yeah. For eight hours, I was like, ugh. No dude, I know. It destroyed me just because I have gotten it. Like I used to be, I'll eat this all the time. And yeah, I'll just live with diarrhea, of course. Of course, though, believe me, I'll sluggish. I'm planning.

Fuck me up, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It fucked me up. I know, exactly how that goes. Cause it's like your system switches over to like, it's like a car that has the ability to go from gas to diesel. You know what I mean? And it's like, when you put the diff,

the first switching over to either side, those first three days are brutal. The first day when I eat like a salad and my body's like, what the fuck is this? What are you doing? And my stomach hurts. Like I literally ate broccoli, yes. Like before I come here, I had broccoli.

Just had it. It was a dish. I had a steak You know what I mean like it wasn't and it was just like broccoli I made I basically made like this is another fact I hilarious move where I'm like I want a Chinese food But I'm like I'm going to make my own beef and broccoli right because it's like probably marginally healthier Sure, then the fucking then the one you pick up. Yeah, I just have broccoli, dude And I'm my stomach is killing me from the broccoli. From the broccoli.

Dude, Christina used to tell, she goes, you're the only person I know who salad gives them a diarrhea. Like, she goes, salad makes you sick. And I'm like, yeah. And then she goes, do you realize that everything does? She's like, if you eat too much sugar, you go, oh, it's too much sugar, I have to shit. Because if you have too much fat, you're like, I have to, and then she goes, now if you eat too much sugar, you go, oh, it's too much sugar, I have to shit. Because if you have too much fat, you're like,

I have to, and then she goes, now if you have too many greens, you have to shit. And I'm like, look, man, I have a sensitive sister. I don't know what to tell you. I don't know what to tell you. I also, I have gotten to the point where, once I take a bite and I finish the last bite, I have to shit within seven seconds.

Of, and there is no way, or of a specific food. It just happens half the time. Okay. Where it's like, that is still in my throat and I have to shit. It's like, I don't know, and sometimes I see the food I ate and I'm like, how are we just shooting things through?

What's going on? Am I not getting any fucking nutrients here? Is my body trying to survive? Or like, we can't absorb this shit. Let's just get it out. Let's see the Brioche bun. I'm just floating there. That's the craziest part, is that the thing that disrupts

me the least like digestively are breads and starchy things, which are everyone's like, avoid that. I'm like, that's the thing that feels the most nice. Yeah, it just doesn't upset you. Yeah, I mean, not just like, I mean, literally the stomach goes, oh yeah, a pound of bread. My hunger bread, it just doesn't upset you. Confirming. Yeah. I mean, not just like, I mean, literally the stomach goes, oh yeah, a pound of bread.

A chunk of bread, yeah. That's all good. Yeah, a little rice, nothing wrong with that. Just the special, which is out, that rascal. Yeah, that rascal. Where'd you shoot it? I shot it here, actually. I shot it in Austin.

Oh, that's right. I remember, I was here, actually, I did, I think I did why I made it right before or right after. Did you take a bunch? I forget, I mean. I taped four shows. Yeah, you taped four. I had to paramount. I made right before or right after. Did you take a bunch? I forget, I mean. I taped four shows. Yeah, you taped four. I taped the paramount.

At the paramount. Yeah. You said it went, I remember seeing you. So I was so happy with it. Like, Austin comes out for standup. They love it. It was great, man. It really was.

And the paramount is such a sick spot. It's great. Yeah. Or it's like, it feels classic and old school, but it's like, everyone's like right on top of you. It really felt, it was kind of a gamble, because I just hadn't played it before, but I was like, this timing wise it made sense,

and that was four shows, which at the time I was like, worried to sell it out four times. Everything came together. Looks awesome, shout out to Ben O'Brien, my director, Ben Rocks, did such an awesome job, and yeah, just awesome. Just awesome.

I'm somebody who, whenever they are like, all right, here's a line cut. I'm like, great, I'll take a look at it, and then I just I'm somebody who whenever they are like, all right, here's a line cut. I'm like, great, I'll take a look at it. And then I just don't look. And they're like, hey, will you look? Dude. And then I get that they're like, hey, we're gonna have to move your air date.

You don't look. I'm like, all right. Dude, the edit. It's horrible. It's spruxing my head. I was like, well, I shot the special. It's now done. You guys do it.

I have been working on it the whole time since where it's like, I got my editor. I have, and then even like the special, it's now done. You guys do it. I have been working on it the whole time since, where it's like, I got my editor, I have, and then even like the sound, shit, you don't think about, where it's like, with the way a special sounds can be really strange, and it's like, it can really take you out of it if the laughter you make. Oh, the sound mixes, yeah, yeah.

And it was, so it was like, we worked on that forever. Every special that I've ever put out, I get people that go, why'd you put a laugh track in this? And I'm always like, bro, there's 3,000 people at the show. And they're like, no, there's a laugh track. I'm like, no, no, no, no, there's mics in the room. And there's thousands, thousands of people there.

That's the sound you're hearing. I know, and I really wanted it. I didn't want it to sound like, because there's little shit you can do. And whatever, I learned for next time too, about ways, you know, just, and you know, whatever. I learned for next time too about like ways I want to do it. And I kind of stuff. You're always like building on it.

Yeah. Did you have a clearly best show? Do you like, oh, this is the one to mostly use? I think so. Yeah, we mostly use, I think it was a third. It was the first show on Friday, I think. To the first of all. No, no, the third show.

It was a third show. Third show. Yeah, third show, there were great moments and I kind of really like doing four because it kind of takes all the pressure off it. It takes all the pressure off it. And it makes it feel real. That's how, at least at the time,

that's how it's performing where it's like, you go to a city, you do four fucking shows, you get into your rhythm. And I think first specials, it's different because now I've been doing a little bit of like the theater, one show in each city thing, which is cool. And it's a different experience, but like nothing beats that just showing up, working it out, you know,

each crowd is different. It's a little smaller, so you really get to connect with people. And so yeah, I loved it. It was really great. And so I'm pumped for it. And I just wanted to kind of like, do one thing, like do like a mainstream kind of thing because it's like,

you know, the internet's shut out to the internet. My whole IO, my whole life, to people finding podcasts, clips, everything from the internet. But I want just, you know, some random motherfuckers to shit, you know what I mean? That's the best part of my mom's to see my shit. Who is this guy? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is Fat Rascal.

Exactly. Fat Rascal, come on. It's a great name. Thanks yeah, yeah, yeah. This is Fat Rascal. Exactly. A Fat Rascal, come on. That's a great name. Thanks, dude. How did you name it? Did you just like, I wanted it to be Fat Little Slut.

But Netflix was like, that is not gonna work. They were just like, we cannot do that. And also like, imagine, like check out my special, just Google Fat Little Slut.

Like, you know, it was like, it was like instantly, you couldn't, it would just be girls getting railed, chubby girls getting railed. So, I wanted something that was kind of, just somebody abusing a girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's slut.

Yeah, right, yeah. It would be like sub-dump. It wouldn't even be like just a bubbly cute little fat girl. I can name mine the N word, but they insisted on sledgehammer. I was like, okay, whatever. The big N is here. And also you blessed us in our internets with your appearing in 69 minutes,

our special that comes out December 15th. That was super fun. Thank you for doing that. Of course, man. So funny. And there's like, I've been telling people, we put this thing together. This was like this ambitious, just fun thing that everybody has been bustin' their ass on.

But to have it be what we wanted it to be, people like you had to get involved. So we have you, you know, Brian Simpson appears in the Matteo lanes. Oh, Matteo's man. Yeah, I mean, it's in. Matteo, my old school, we've talked about, my old school, Nude's partner. Yeah, that's right. He mentioned that, yeah. We tale, I mean, it's a tale of my old school. We've talked about it. My old school, Nude's partner. Yeah, that's right. He mentioned that.

Yeah, we're bringing it back to we've talked. Oh, really? We've been in talks. We've been in talks, yeah. To put our bare dicks in the same room. That's awesome. Yes, awesome dude. Yeah, no, I can't wait.

It was super fun. I don't want to give anything away. Yeah, no, for those that want to check it out, go to YMHStudios.com and it airs on the 15th. So a lot of people worked hard on that. I was gonna say for Greek stuff, Yannis too, right? Like you guys. Yeah, he's good. It's one of the biggest sins that we haven't had him.

I just record a bunch of my shit in batches and it's never worked out, but I gotta get, he's first on the list of getting Yannis. He's so funny. So funny. So funny. And it's interesting too, because he's a different kind of Greek guy

where it's like, my family just came in the 80s, right? Like my dad barely speaks English, he's been here 40 years. Still? Yeah, like he speaks, he can get a buy, but it's like clearly not his first language at all. Heavy accent. Heavy accent.

If not, if you're talking about cabinets, he's got it down. You know what I mean? He's a master woodworker. Okay. But like, feelings, you know what I mean? Like, you know, like, you know, familial issues, although we're, I don't want to say to my dad too much, we're working it out over here. But like, my mom's kind of,

I mean, she's more assimilated, but she's still, you know, she's kind of, she's definitely first-genre, you know, she was born there, you know. And Janice, I assumed, because he is so plugged into like Greek shit and he does get the culture so much, that he was the same way. I just, everyone I had ever met was first-generation, because I was my whole, everyone I grew up with with their parents were all born in Greece. Sure. But yeah, his

family that goes back pretty far in New York. I think at least one or two generations where I think I like grandparents that were. But his dad is from Greek. I think so. Yeah, he was from Greece. His dad was okay. I met his cousin his cousin was fresh off the boat. Okay. One time and I was like, now this is a fucking Greek guy. Yes, fucking God of rules. It's so fun having foreign family. It's awesome.

And when they come here and you're like, yeah, you stand, don't worry, you stand out. Yeah, yeah. It starts with a tire. You're like, the fuck is this for? Yeah, for me growing up, cause we used to always do, I would go for my summer. Yeah, because in my family,

you know, they're in the Southern Hemisphere, right? They're in Peru. So they'd come up for their summer, so we're in school. And I would always be like, bro, you can't wear jeans that tight, right? We can see your unclip tall. Like, bro, no. And their whole thing was like,

because this is the 90s, they're like, so baggy, I'm like, yeah, this is normal. You look like you want people to kick your ass. And for this era, and we're 15, like forget it. You can't, you can't do it. No. I remember we had family that came over from Greece. Or actually, they lived, he was a Greek guy

who grew up in my dad. He moved to Austria, so he's double Europe, double European, right? And him and his son, and we went to Austria, so he's double Europe, double European, right? And him and his son, and we went to Delaware just on the beach. These guys have speedos that are so tight, everyone, and it was like a gay area, I guess. So everyone thought, and he has like a son, it looks identical to them, and it's like, is this a gay father and son and a child, is this child also gay? And everyone was just like, you got so many people

were staring at us. And I was even like, what the fuck is going on here? They got the hogs out. But how often would like, so they would come up and what was like when you were down there? You know, first of all, like they, I mean, fair skin, blue eyes. The whole family.

Well, no, I'm saying when I would go, you would go. So my, my, my, was your mom look, she could be, she looked Latin. Yeah, yeah. And like, she's on the, you could convince me of a lot of things.

Yeah, my cousin, it's funny too, because they're, they're also fair skin, but you just, you just look at them and you'd be like, oh, they're not American. Yeah. Like even, even like facial features and stuff, you know? So, but yeah, so right away, that people would always do a double take

and be like, you're definitely not from here. Of course. Sometimes you could speak Spanish for a while and if you're speaking really well, they would just be like, oh, what country are you from? Because they would assume that I was Latin from another country. Then I tell them half and they were like, that's it.

Yeah, yeah. But you're geared too. They're also would be like, of course, wild clothes, you got off course. Because our, our, what we wear, just like, it really makes totally, it's like an announcement, you know. Um, I also remember when I studied in abroad when I was in Spain, I had, uh, had a,

had a house by this older lady. She was in her seventies and she had a couple of us American boys there. That was like her little side business was like. Yeah, exactly. It was her hustle. Her son, so I was 20, her son was 40 and he would come over on weekends with his son

and we would have lunch together. And he, I remember one time he was like, do you know how I can tell when there are someone in his American? And I'm like, how? He's like, because you guys dress like shit. So if I see somebody in pajamas, I go, there's an American.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the thing is like the unofficial attire of like a guy in Madrid of, and if he's Spanish, was always a collared white shirt, like a navy sweater and like dress, everybody dressed- You mean that's black flags.

Yeah, everyone dressed like that for everything. No jinkos. Yeah, no, I mean. Everyone had like a wrap around scarves, it was just like, that was the attire of the time. Yeah, I wonder if my family is just trash and grease, because I, everything was just kind of shittier versions of our clothes. Uh-huh Like they begged us for like my uncle would guess. Yes, yes, dude.

Jeans gets my uncle was really into gond which is a I don't even know what the fuck that is. Yeah, gond It's just a brand. It's a brand. That's hilarious. They would want like They would want like, you know polo Tommy Hill figure. So I think my want like, you know, polo, Tommy Hill figure. So I think my family was just, you know, just broke. Yeah. Cause like, I had that experience, I never had that experience of them looking better.

Everyone was just slightly gager. Yeah. That's the only really like tighter, tighter. Tight was the thing. Tight was it and like, you know, touchy feely. Tight ironically made like, it became in fashion. Back in. Yeah, years later,feely. Ty, ironically made, like, it became in fashion back in. Yeah, years later, but yeah. Yeah, skinny jeans and shit like that.

Now when you see Super Baggy stuff from, you're like, that looks goofy. Like, so now it, now it's- What's going on back? Gay guys are all have big pants. They have big pants, huh? And what gay guys you're doing, we'll be doing it in nine months, brother.

Up some time. That's how it works. They take the lead, for sure. I mean, New York too, so it's like, we're kind of like the gaze of gaze of straight people, straight people in New York or like other, it's kind of filtered into gay people to straight, gang New Yorkers, to straight New Yorkers, to gay people in Ohio. Yeah.

I mean, like a straight people after that. That's so true. And like straight ahead of the other gaze. Of course. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're ahead of the other gates. Of course, yeah. Some, oh yeah. If you're straight in New York. Not me, I'm kind of a classic. Like I said, fat guy look, hawaiians,

and when it's hot, track suits when it's cold. I'm a simple man, you know, I just nailed it. It is kind of the best simplicity and comfort, comfort first. 100%. I can't, yeah, this is it for the rest of my life. By the way, when I, so I did Athens on my tour. Oh hell yeah.

And before I went, everybody was like, you're gonna wanna get out of there. Like it's not rough. It's kind of a shit hole. And I was like, really? Cause I didn't have any reference. Yeah. So we land and yeah, we're driving through Athens

and like highways all spray painted. Yeah, it was kind of rough. Do they take us to the south end of Athens on the water and the resort there? I mean, that's out of control. And we tried to change our flights to stay longer. Totally. Like, this is the fucking best place I have ever stayed.

Yeah, I mean, that part of Athens is so like boot. Like again, I didn't even know that, again, to show you how poor my family was. I had no idea that existed. That's even there, yeah. No, we would drive 90 minutes to go to the beach because it's like to go there is almost like, you feel like you're not allowed.

Yeah, sure. Yeah, they're like, don't go there. And even then, now it's like, I was staying, I went this summer and my best friend from college is family's Greek too. And his family's like they're rich. And when I visited them, I was like, oh I see what's going on.

This is over. Oh this is. There are two different Athens, you know what I mean? And it's like that shit is, it's incredible. And by the way, even the fucking grimy shit, I love that. Athens begrudgingly I have, like I used to say, remind me of Baltimore, even though I'm a East Coast guy,

begrudgingly I have to say it's actually a little LA-like, where it's like everything spread out, it's like a big, there's an Athens. In Athens, everything spread out, and the mountains are crazy, and the climate is very similar to LA, actually. It was, like, it was absolutely stunning. And then from our hotel, we could see the homes

that are on the water. And we were like, this is paradise. Dude, it's incredible. Because everyone always talks about the Greek islands. But from where we're standing, we're like, why would you leave here? Dude, and if you go to any island, and it's better than the best resort in America,

and it's just beautiful. It's like, I took my family or my friends were visiting with me. And we just were on a road trip and we just stopped on the side of the road in mainland Greece. And I was like, ah, this beach kind of looks like shit. Like if we want to take a dip, we might as well. It was like, ah, it has, it doesn't have sand. It has rocks. And they were like, this is one of the most beautiful beaches I've ever been to. And it's just like a roadside. Really?

Like roadside beaches in like no one would ever consider that a vacation in Greece. There's so it's a culture that's spoiled for vacation. For vacation, yeah. We're like, we crush hanging out. We crush having a good time. For sure you do. Grilling the food and saying. Having coffee for eight hours. What's your favorite Greek dish?

I'm a very, I'm a traditionalist where I just like give me some fresh shit grilled. Like anything you want. And what's great about Greece, like you go to any beach, there is a restaurant on the side of the beach and they all have the exact same menu. You don't even have to go to the menu. The menu. And they all have the lamb, the cucumbers.

Lamb, Greek salad. Like here's my go-to spread. Zaziki, of course, the yogurt dish, Greek salad. You get fried calamari, I like a fried, what can I say, but grilled is nice too. And you get lamb chops or something called codosuvoli, which is like a slow roasted, spork, spit. You're working with salivary.

Yeah, it's incredible. You have to, what I really like is there's places where you just show up and an old woman comes out of the kitchen and she verbally tells you what she has today. This is it. And that, there's nothing better. I agree. Like, what do you want? Like, I went there with friends and they were like, where's the menu? And she just comes out nothing better. I agree. Like, what do you want?

Like, I went there with friends and they were like, where's the menu? And she just comes out and can't speak English. Country built on tourism. This woman never bothered to pick up yes or no. You know what I mean? And like, just I order, we've had some of the best fucking meals.

When we were in Athens, it was one of the first times where, you know, that it was so demanding with all the movement that a lot of times we would be in cities and we were like well let's find like an awesome restaurant to eat that right and we had done that at that point in a ton of cities like we started in Budapest and we did it there and we did it in Berlin and we did it in in Paris and and Norway and on and on and on so you know this has stopped like let's say 15 15. Sure. And it's like, we're at the venue in Athens and it's like, what do you want to do for dinner?

I go, you know, why don't we just have just something, let's go simple. Instead of going out, let's just have food brought here and he's like, what kind of food? I don't know, Greek food. Right. Like, I'm in fucking Greece. I've had some Greek food in my life.

I'd like to try it in Greece. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so we're like, Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so we're like, okay, like just simple, like just let's just ask them where they would get, you know, the venue people. Do they just brought the Yiros and Greek, the Greek, by the way, the Greek salad had on top

of the Greek salad, just a block of feta. A block of feta. And I was like, we're one of the guys, we're the guys who was like my stomach's bothering me. He just ate the block of feta. He's like, my stomach's still bothering me. I'm like, he used to have a block of cheese.

You psycho. So dude, but it was up to that point. We had been at Michelin Star restaurants and everything. It's a better, and I was like, man. It'll hit the spot in a way. Backleva was, they were this size. I had this shit. No, no, no, no.

And then you didn't even go to like the bakery in the morning. Where it's like, you gotta do that to next time you're there, where it's like, and that's what I think is the best about Greece is like, I have, I'm sure there's fine dining, right? I've literally never done it any time, you know, there's no reason to. What is great literally never done it any time, you know. There's no reason to. What is great about Greece is the consistency

across the fucking country. And it's also, when I traveled around Europe when I was broke as fucking, I was like 20, the bet, if you're broke or if you're rich, you will have the best time in Greece. Whereas that can't be said of other cities. Like, if you don't have money in certain cities, the food is fucking dolgian.

London, London, but it's stuff for it. London, forget about it. Yeah, you're fucking having chips and peas and shit like that. Fucking, you go to Norway, you're eating fucking elk. You're eating fucking whale, blubber and elk. Unless you have a thousand dollars to spend on a meal. Yeah. It fucking rules, dude.

Yeah, that's awesome. It makes me want to go back, dude. You got to go back. Yeah. You got to go back. Yeah, I want to go to this. I've never been to South America. I really wanna fucking go. I might go do a little fucking warm after this tour is done,

after now that the special's done, all that stuff. Hit a little fucking. Go to the beach, bro. Yeah. You can imagine you go down to like Rio. Yeah. Check it, check it out. I can't, I don't think I can do that.

No. It's a little too much access to some of my vice's Thomas. I don't know that I can be left alone celebrating in Brazil with a nice hunk of a, with a nice hunk of like tour money in my band, yeah. I think it's exactly what you need to do. And then once you get to little out of hand, you go down, I can't do it. Do a little loop, do you, where you're from? Is it beachy or what?

I don't know it. Do a little loop, do loop. Where you're from, is it beachy? Or what, I don't know what to say. Yeah, like Lima is a, you know, a Pacific town. It's like, you know, the same kind of climate that LA would be. Yeah. So like they're like, it's freezing, it's 50 outside, you know? And like, yeah, summers are, everyone's at the beach. Now, how much genocide do you think your family did

to maintain fair skin up until now? Because that's something I've always, when I see your mom talk, I'm like, that is conqueasted door blood. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know it's so funny, dude. We, in 2000, before 23 and me and these things,

this is the other side, it's my dad's side. So my dad's side is obviously, Segura. Yes. And so my mom's side, her last name is Las Arte and her other last name, we got digit. So that's, they both go back. Slayer of indigenous. Yeah, they both go back to Spain, right?

So on her side, her father's family comes from Central Spain. Her mother's family comes from Northern Spain. Holy fuck, she can trace it all the way back there. All the way back there. My dad, so this is like my dad's family comes from Central Spain. Her mother's family comes from Northern Spain. Holy fuck, she can trace it all the way back there. All the way back there. My dad, so this is like my dad's family reunion with his brothers and sisters and all the cousins. There's like a bunch of us. And it's four new years 2000.

And they go, oh, we hired. So the dad's out of pocket hired. On the cigarette side? On the cigarette side, a genealogist. Oh wow, before 23. Before all that stuff. There's some guys hands And this guy did it but like the old fashioned way where he was like a like hiring a private detective He's going through like you know public records and shit like that. Yeah, he had charts and he's like doing a presentation

And we're all sitting there in this thing and he finds the first like doing a presentation. And we're all sitting there in this thing. And he finds the first cigarette from our famed bloodline that came over and he came over from Andalusia in the South and he came to Louisiana, right? And there's a bunch of cigarettes in Louisiana. And then he's like, we're like, oh wow, he's like,

and we think, well, that's the end of the story. And he's like, this guy died a millionaire in the 1700s, right? What the fuck? And we're like, oh wow. And then you're kind of like, hey, that's pretty cool. And then he's like, yeah. There's any chill way to make a million dollars

in the 1700s. And then he's just like, yeah, he was a really bad guy. Right, what? What? Yeah. And the seed from which you all sprang. Yeah, they're like, he was not a nice man. And then you think that you're like,

how's this gonna end? Yeah. And he puts up a photograph of just a tree. And he's like, this is where he killed a guy. Oh, this tree and we're like, oh, Jesus. And then it's just like, I like, that's fine. I thought to be like, this is the cigarette hanging tree.

It's like one of them got out of line. It's just like, he just keeps telling worse stories. He's the first guy that invented lynching. Yeah, that's you guys. That's who your family is. And we're like, this is cool. At one point, he produces 30 pages. Oh my God. From the guy's will of slaves

Pages and we're like Yeah, everyone's like this is a cool event. Wow Can't we do the electric slide now get wait some burgers? I think I'm gonna sit in quiet contemplation Of the sins in my blood I think I'm gonna sit in quiet contemplation of the sins in my blood. In my blood. It just went, it got worse from me. I thought he had this business and he was ruthless

and he was like cool, cool. Even his side projects were like fucked up. He was like, he did slavery, but he also, you know, he also entrapped some artists. You know what they did in Motown? He was kind of above that. He killed prostitutes. A lot of them actually.

They couldn't prove it because there was no DNA back then, but he's highly suspected to be the Louisiana prostitutes layoff. Saguro de Puersta Puchlayo. Saguro is a great name to say, Creole too. So Gura. So Gura. It was one of those. Don't you know what he had a Saguro landboy?

You know what he does to the Gura. He strung up, fuck some, cuts the nuts off, makes a necklace. That's my grandpa. Yeah, pretty cool. He was like the boogie man in that town. He was down down to the sub-orac state. He painted a picture for a half an hour of this guy being a savage.

Yeah. Just a small time fucking warlord. And then it was like enjoy your family reunion. You got to run that by the principles before you give the whole family. I got to think that. I'm going to think that. Yeah, like I have them be just, just kids here, man. He just pretended he didn't know.

He couldn't cut the slave stuff. Yeah, the presentation. You say he went to Ellis Island, started a fruit stand. Give us something. Good guy, give us, you know. They should have like standard American stories. Yeah.

That like if your, if your father or whatever, you know, whatever your great, great, whatever is a piece of shit, you should be able like, yup, he actually fought for the union and died. You know, he was Abraham Lincoln's best friend. He was a patriot. That's all we know. Unfortunately, the records aren't kept very well. Yeah. Yeah, they just give you the town he came from.

Just man with honor. The American dude, that's a, I mean, I wonder what he was up to before. I can't imagine. It's so fucked up to be like. Also think about the type of guy in that era who's like, just get on a ship across the world. The shittiest transport, people are dying next to you. You know, like that's how much I wanna get out of here.

Yeah, I'm like, and then you just arrive on Newland, like I'm a fuck shit out here. I'm gonna kill people. Yeah, back to the mafia thing. Yeah, you had a little bit of that in them. They said that, I mean, I just saw, I don't know if it was like a bio thing

about the Columbus expedition, how the guy, he had like, it was just like 80 guys on one of these, or look at these ships. And they were saying that like when they landed, I forget in which, I if they were in Cuba or something, that they would just, main people for sport, like cut hands off for sport. Just warm up, just like this is,

I'm ready to go. In saying cut to the hands. You're right, these are the guys that are just like, I'm gonna fucking, I'm gonna just get on a ship, I'm gonna get dysentery, I'm gonna get fucking scurvy, and I'm just, you know, who knows what they were fleeing to? Right. Those are guys, the guys that get on those ships

do not have a good life in that fucking country. There's no way you're like, home is awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a great wife, right? Right, great kids, right. My job is killer. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're not thinking like that at all. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, It's like, it's like, join the army or get executed. Or like get on the boat or get executed for your many crimes.

Sure. Which I think is probably what happened a lot of the time. And it's like, you've been on that ship, by the way, for months. Yeah. And then there's like a type of person you've never seen. And they're like, you want to go and fuck them up. Yeah. That's your first instance.

It's a good time to do it. I know you're pent up, man. I mean, think about the like, yeah, do these guys have been pent up just bros the whole time. The whole time. You're tired of wearing the guy with the bomb ankle. Yeah. That can't defend himself.

Charlie, yeah, you're tired of, you're tired of, you know, fucking the guy with a little hand who's on the expedition. Charlie hops over there. Yeah. I mean, what they were up to, these are criminals, this is the 1700s. It's really like, everything Columbus did makes sense, wasn't good. Yeah.

Right? But yeah. Also, I always think about when something like horrific happened like that, and you know, in our world and our mind today, if somebody does something terrible, they would tell somebody and then you have this reaction of like, what'd you do? But I imagine that like when those guys,

when they were like, somebody was like, he just, these people and cut their hands off that Columbus would be like. He'd be like, that's what you get for tattling. Yeah. I'm like, don't you get? Yeah. What do you think we're doing here?

Of course. Yeah. I'm here for spices. I want these guys to have some fun. Yeah. They're not a ship for 70 miles. He saw himself as a cool boss. Yeah.

Gotta keep him morale up. Gotta keep morale up. I'm gonna be dead. Come on. Have you seen Gimp Charlie's home? We've used it up. He's bleeding all over the place. These guys gotta have a good time.

Yeah, let these guys fucking let loose, man. Yeah, dude. Fucking brutal stuff. Got a bunch of knuckleheads on this show. I know, yeah, yeah. Just. You guys gotta couple cookie characters in here. Chopping hands off again.

Fucked up, dude. Fucked up, man. I don't have any kind of like genealogy of my family, but apparently, Halkias, it's a name from an island. So everyone, my grandfather grew up in mainland Greece, but like his grandfather was from with his island called Carpaco. And apparently, and we can't find his side of the family

because that was like the most common name on that island. It was like Johnson or Smith or whatever. And we met some random cousin, the guy I don't know at all, just Facebook message my brother years ago with all this like rumor about that side of the family. And the rumor is that apparently who at, we don't know our actual name about that side of the family. And the rumor is that apparently who we don't know our actual name from that side of the family, but apparently that guy

fucked some guy's wife. The guy was going to kill him and he just left the island and changed his name to the most common name from that island. So no one could trace him. So it's like a guy who like fucks a guy's wife and won't defend himself is a coward. Like that's who I'm descended from. It's like a horny coward. It's changed my name. It changed my name.

I don't need to, everything I know, this is the 1800s. I'm just gonna go fucking roll the dice, starting you life. I think I have a bunch of assholes on both sides. Yeah, my grandfather who I never met on my mom's side, everybody was like, this guy was, you know, he was a serious man. Is what they say? Yeah, that's brutal.

Yeah, and you're like, oh, like he was a doctor. You know, this is like a long time ago. It's like, in South America. Oh man. And then he became mayor of the time. Do a doctor now, what do you think they were doing then? I mean, here's the thing, in South America, and then he became mayor. Doctor now. What do you think they were doing then? I mean, here's the thing, there's no such thing

as in that era too of like the idea that you would question this man. Right, he knows how to read. So he's, yeah, he's the guy. Like he just tells you and then you just go, like, yeah, yeah, and I think he was pretty big ego. Little warlords basically. Yeah, he was like, it's like a warlord. Doctor to mayor back then is, yeah, yeah, and I think he was pretty big ego and- A little warlord's basically. Yeah, he was like, it's like a warlord.

Dr. D'Ameer, back then is, yeah, you're not fucking with that guy. No way, man, no way. And they're like, yeah, you know, he was, like not, I don't think he was a sweet heart of a dad. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. All the stories are just like, they're like, he would come home and like,

like my mom or whatever That take his shoes off Give him a glass of cheese God and put on classical music and then that was how he would unwind I mean that's it is kind of like a award-lord is totally totally like Yes, yes, yes, yeah, if you don't do it fast enough, he just kicks his own child Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah next one up who to, who gets to put my slippers on now? Yeah, that's like, that's a backhand era too, you know?

Oh yeah, that's not, they don't even count that as hitting your kid. That's no, no, no, no. That's maintenance. Yeah, and that's not for like saying some shit. That's just because he felt like it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, a little Columbus vibe.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Why are you looking, I feel your presence. Do not look like that to me. Do not look at me with love and respect. Adore me always. Adore me or nothing. Yeah, yeah. That doesn't seem to like, I feel like that era of dude, it's not passable now. I'm sure there's people listening who are like,

oh, you haven't met my dad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I feel like it's less frequent. Well, it's kind of like dogs where it's like, oh, you haven't met my dad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I feel like it's less frequent. Well, it's kind of like dogs where it's like, yeah, they were wolves. Yeah. And then slowly, not every man is a pomeranian. Right.

But even a bulldog now, or even a pit bull now, is like not what it used to be. You know what I mean? It's like, that's kind of how I see it. Because it's like every foreign dad, what you're describing, is just a very turned up version of most foreign dads that I know, where it's like, yeah, it's just slowly we're working,

we're putting some humanity into these people, because all those people, even if they weren't sociopaths, they probably had, think about how atrocious they're fucking lives were. That's what I always think about. We talk like, Christina talks about her parents and grandparents and like, you know, all their shortcomings and what was wrong to them.

I'm like, yeah, but what was his fucking childhood like? I know. That was a dead fucking horrific. Totally. The dad was like, yeah, we, you know, find dead soldiers, you just play with their bullets that were falling, you're like, yeah, that's, that's what he did when you went to the fucking mall. Yeah, right.

That was his mall. It was like the the mass grave. You would think through the mass grave to find cool shit. He didn't understand. She told me this that people have their dogs indoors here. Yeah, that's a big, that's a big one. That's a big four. But they had a maltese.

Like that's a fucking, that's a cute little lap dog. They just put it outside. And it was his second wife that was like, let's bring, he's the dog. The dog stays outside. I got a little villager brain in that sense too, where I'm like, I like dogs. I've never had one because I'm always traveling and I do want one at some point, but the idea that a dog would be in my bed actually fucks me up. Really?

I really think that the couch is one thing, the bed. I think that yeah, it's what you're like, to me it's normal because I grew up with it, right? No, most people, most of my friends have dogs. I get it. It's not even, they would hear me say that and be like, you're a monster. But it's like, it's a fucking animal.

That's exactly, that's villager or thoughts. I know, yeah. Like my mom is so funny, my parents found this adorable little dog, right? Yeah, just found it just strolling the streets of Baltimore a little shit Sue we thought it was a baby it might they took it to the vet finally and like to check if you know had chip Say no owner no nothing apparently it was just like a fucking turned out like street whore like our little cute We thought it was its little baby the the vet's like take a look at her nipples They're just like dangling like this thing was like it's already like 10 years old Yeah, but she's so cute and little and she might they took her to the vet and they were like

Hey, we notice something with her heart like her heart has a problem and they were like we could do this test Test will be 200 bucks. But if it comes back negative, she's good. If it comes back positive, she's gonna need a $3,000 operation. And I'm almost like, don't do the test. I'm almost like, either she's got it or she don't. She ain't getting a fucking operation.

Sure, sure. I'm not, my mom loves this dog. That's the thing. They still have it, she's still going good, she's fine. But it's like, it's not like the dog doesn't matter to her. It's just like, well, if my car needed $50,000 in repairs and it costs $20,000, why would I do that? Yeah, yeah.

It's just like, a dog is not worth thousands of dollars. That's also, it doesn't of dollars. That's also, it doesn't even compute. That's also very foreign parent, right? Because like Americans will be like, I'm just doing this knee replacement on my dog. It's 15 grand, like, you know, I got, yeah. Even I am like, come on, it's a fucking dog.

It's a fucking, give it some fucking extra food. Let it get fat and like, you know, whatever, hang out, feed it, whatever the fuck it wants. Let it go out easy, but fucking knee replacement. I can't do that, dude. Like when people cook food for their dogs, I'm like, oh yeah. Like come on guys.

We picked up a dog one time, like where we got it from this breeder. We also had a rescue, we're like, we got one from the breeder. It evens out. And when we picked it up, they gave us a laminated thing. And I was like, what is it, dude? And they were like, this is like what she eats.

And I'm reading, I was thinking like, I grew up with like, here's dog food. Yeah. And so she was like, in the mornings, you know, I'd scramble some eggs, I'd dice up this stuff. And I was like, why? It's incredible. And then she was like, and then in the evening,

or for that other meal, I minced chicken, like Throland's, and I was like, I'm glad you, thank you for printing this out for me. Yeah, I will follow this to a tee. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but I thought that was crazy. That's insane. But there's a lot of people that they're like,

yeah, of course you do that. That's crazy to me. I mean, my brother, they just got an awesome dog, but he's actually, what he's doing, I respect even more, because he won't feed it, it's going back to its roots where he just throws a fucking chicken feet. And he just throws it in meat. It's like it's a fucking dog.

Bones, yeah. And she's like, she likes that. And that is actually probably healthier for a dog. Probably. You know what I mean? And she doesn't go outside, but. The best feeling in the world though, is when you have a dog and you have a bone from a

T-bone and there's a lot of fat on it and there's still some meat chunks and you just see the dog's like a crack head. It's like starting to shake. And then you go, here you go and they're like, oh, and they just lose their minds. And the end of just licking the bone. If you send me that bone, I'd lose my mind. I'm sucking off a bone to the bone. Dude, if you send me that bone, I'd lose my mind. I'm sucking off a bone. Oh, yeah.

I've done it in restaurants too. You know, because they're like, it's not proper. I'm like, this bone is getting picked up. This fucking steak was $100. You don't think I'm sucking off every fucking piece of it? Absolutely. It's like, yeah, yeah, I have my now. It's been a year.

Yeah. I've had any money, so I'm sucking off the steak. 100% I do not respect. That's the best part. The best part is the part is the best part. It's a fucking steak and it's all like Let's eat it with our hands like kind of grilled crisp, you know, like it crispiness and you dude I fucking cracked the bone and been yeah Inside the fat coming out of it. Yeah, we can go to get a steak right now. I'm down down for a fucking rib steak right now. My face is getting hard. I'm just talking about this. I'm down, I'm down for fucking ribeye right now. Oh dude, I'm a ribeye boy. No question about it.

I need my shit fattiest fuck. Yeah. Don't give me a filet. I'll spit in your eye if you serve me a filet. I need that shit marble. It's gotta have, I mean at least get me a New York strip. I got you in my mouth. Minimum and I'm like, okay.

You're giving me your straight, but I'm like fine. I'm fine. Bone in ribeye. Come on man. I need it fattiest. And by the way, it wre giving your straight. I'm like fine. But I'm bone in rib eye. Come on man. I need it fatties. And by the way, it wrecks my body. I'm not, I can't even, you're not supposed to eat that much. I know, I wake up, I go to bed after a big steak dinner and I'm like, I will be up at 3 a.m. taking the worst shit of my life.

I will be scared, I will be like, is this it? I will be hot. Hot as fuck, dude. I will be like, did somebody it? I will be hot. Hot as fuck, dude. Yeah. I will be like, did somebody poison me? Like the last three ribbots. Consistently. Yeah. No, no, it's at first. I was like, wow, that restaurant. I would do a fancy restaurant. It was it poisoned me. That's what I thought. Yeah. And I was like, maybe it was the 60 ounces of meat plus appetizers. It, dude, yeah. It's so much food. It's crazy. So far, when I have a fatty steak, within three hours, I start farting,

but a type of fart that it does smell like someone is gonna be hospitalized. It's not. Yes, yes. It's a rotten, it's just starting to rot It's not. It's so, it's a rotten specific. You're inside just starting to rot. And I'm like, oh, that's what beef does to me.

It's fucked up. It literally, it smells like a mixture of like chemical. Yep. And rot, it smells rotten. Yeah, when you take a shit and it's green and you're like, I haven't had a vegetable in two weeks. How did this happen? It's like just fucking, it looks like those shit's babies take.

We're just green goo. By the way, when you, you know, I've been like, for years, steakhouse, it's just like, well, what's the biggest fatties thing in the menu? Always. And you find out that like, you're supposed to have like, six ounces of beef. Oh, dude, I know.

And you're like, oh, really? Yeah. Yeah. What do you mean having? I'm like, I don't know, 22 hours. Whatever they show, yeah, whatever the most fucked up thing is. And they have like those stay houses they're like, this is for two.

This is a 64. And you're like, oh shit. Oh shit. Yeah. It's for two. It's for me and a woman. Yeah. What do you think the ratio is on that?

I'm like, I can't babe, want to split this? It's like, you know. This place, by the way, I know, because you live in New York. Yeah. You have great, but like, this town't babe, wanna split this? It's like, you know. This place, by the way, I know, because you live in New York, you have great, but like, this town has great things. I know. Every time I come, I try and have one steak. Yeah, you should try the,

because there's so many good spots here. Yeah, yeah. I really should. The last time, I think I came here when there was some kind of fucking dickhead, like tech conference. And so it was like, no, all the good ones were like taken up by guys who probably were going to just eat fucking greens anyway. Yeah. That's the thing that pissed

me off. It's like a bunch of guys from San Francisco took all the fucking steak houses. Like let me, I mean, let me get in there. Let me get in. I could enjoy this. And I went to, but I started great meal. I was like, what's available? And then I saw Vince Young steakhouse. I was like, Vince is my guy. It's the good guy. He's the fucking man. He's the man. Let's go. Had a great steak. Delicious.

The apps were incredible. Did take. And that was when I was like, when I was, that was the third in a row. One of those shits that I took the 3M over, he did like, well, but you know, it didn't like begging God for forgiveness while I'm shitting all my clothes are off.

I have to lay my fat stomach on the cold tub. Did it just chill out for a second? And that was like Vince wouldn't do this to me. This is gonna be a problem. That's not. This is not on the fucking events. A Heisman winner would never treat me like this. I treat you like that.

No. Well, I'll make you a list of places to try here. Please. Oh wait, did Reggie Bush win that year? I don't remember. Was that the same year? Same year? That was a greatgie Bush win that year? I don't remember. Was that the same year? Same year, because that was a great year of college football, but I don't, I think Reggie obviously won one and they took, but you do some fucking producing in here, you

mother fuckers. Oh, five. Yeah, he did. Sorry. Sorry, that's, I'm used to yelling in my Albanian eldest. Wow. And he was the runner up the year that I think so. I think so.

Yeah. That was a fucking great year at Coxford Bowl. Oh my God. That was fucking incredible. I think people right even now sometimes kind of over look how fucking crazy Reggie Bush was. Insane. And fucking Kardashian when that was still new and cool to do.

One of the fresh ones in there. And it was like, whoa, he's the first rounder in multiple times, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that was right after, I think that was right after Ray J, which barely counts. You know what I mean? I think Reggie was her first foray into like celebrity black dick, you know, and then it was only upwards and onwards from there.

She was a rocket ship. Big time blacks after that. Climbing the giant, the totem pole, and got to Kanye, and then, you know, turned his brain to mush on Forge. That pussy must be crazy. Oh my god. I wonder about that. I wonder if it's like pussy plus psychological torture. Because there's some, there are geniuses, but they're evil, the Kardashians. There's no way around it. Chris, I mean, you know, I don't know what happened. I mean, Connie was already an unstable person, obviously. Like he's like, and sometimes I do feel like that level of talent has to come with an off-brain. Like a brand shouldn't be that good at music.

And so something. Because his production is, it's wacky. I mean, wacky in that, you're not supposed to, your brain's not supposed to be able to cook all that up. It's insane. And that has to come at a price. You're here in those sounds in your head. You're here in other shit in your head too, man.

And if you heard him describe how he views music, or how he listens to music, it's like he sees it. He sees songs. He's talked about it where it's like different things are like, it's a visual representation in his head. And it's like fascinating, but I'm like, yeah, dude. You're up against some of the, some, you know, weaponized Armenian pussy.

Yeah. That brain has no chance. That brain has no chance. That brain has no chance. Like the Kardashians really are like, that's an American success story, much like the original Seguro. Yeah, exactly. It's like,

those Kardashians have smashed and dudes brains in what those pussy's like. The guys have just melted down. Yeah. It must be, it must be awesome. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I mean It must be, it must be awesome. Yeah, I mean, it's funny when you think it, like she was, because like the whole Chris Humphries where she just kind of like married a guy because.

Because it was like a TV special. And she, I remember, because I'm a huge hoops guy. And there was like a list of guys she was considering. Like it was like, you know, filling the daily show or whatever, where she was like had to play in a major market, preferably New York, and it was like, the, they literally tried to go after Danilo Galanari, and he was just like, wait, what the fuck is this? You're trying to like marry me? Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's, you know, that's something I read on the internet seven years ago. And I don't know if this is true or not, but I remember them, like, you know, he wasn't obviously like a superstar. No, he was not. He was just like a journeyman. Yeah, but they, but like, I remember him, like, he bought her a ring,

but they were like, this is like a substantial murder for this guy. For sure. Yeah, but I'm doing this. And then she's like, I don't want to be married to you. Yeah, I think she was just like,

we need, we need, I think it was literally like a production meeting for that season of the Kardashians. Like Kim's story is kind of light. Yeah. Like, can we get a marriage in here? We're in Mary, like a marriage. NBA player, so yeah.

It's about 6'10. Yeah, yeah. It's tall guy. Tall guy. But shout out to Chris Humphries. Yeah. He had no business in there. No.

You know what I mean? He got in there. Yeah. Good to meet him. Good for you, man. Good for your brother. And he played in the league after that, you know, you know, good guy. Good for you, man. Good for you, brother. And he played in the league after that, you know, you know, good guy. It's a good story. Good story. That's a fun,

little piece of that's a fun little story to bring out for the rest of your life. I was because there's a lot of people who let's be fair or you meet that guy. But I'm saying that mate, meet that guy and they're like, I don't know who this is. Of course, like, totally, they don't recognize them. Totally, totally. Some of them, like, you know, if you're a deep hooper, you go like, oh, but like everyone outside of that is going to be like, you're tall. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, yeah, they'll ask him because he's tall. Did you play back? They'll get that. And he's like,

nine did I play basketball? You want me to hear some mild shit? But because I was signed to the Brooklyn Nets when Kim Kardashian was looking for some six, eight, and over cock. I was married to her for however long it was. Twelve days. And yeah, I smashed it. Oh, yeah, that's cool.

Yeah. That's a nice little benefit. That is a cool story for that guy. I'd love to be in a sham Hollywood marriage, you know. Dude, let's hang you up. Who should we get you? I'm open, dude. Yeah.

Who would pair nice to the big fat party animal? Yeah. Or you know who I'd be great for is like somebody who's like doing like a wellness thing, and she turns my life around. Oh. You know, it turns me from Chris Pratt, like makes me Christian.

That can happen, bro. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That tops off some kind of cult. And I'm like, I just, it's incredible. I can't believe how I was living before. You get that out of this world, Pus? Yeah. You'll start changing your life.

Dude. Yeah. Yeah. Something like not Scientology. That's a little passe at this point. Yeah. Scientology adjacent. Sure.

Or like, it seems like a cool, Christch, like Justin Bieber's, like a pastor. Yeah. So like a cool, Christian, like spiritual. Like spiritual, it's not spiritual. But, ultimately, when you do the math it's Christian right You know it'll be fun they dress it up. Yeah, Muslim Islam. Let's get in there Let's that no one's really done it. No one's really done it now you're talking now we're talking bro Now we got a pitch who do we got?

The bella Bella and Gigi had did but I feel like Yeah, they're the only Muslim yeah Prostin the only, they're the only ones I can think of. They're the only ones I can think of. They're the only ones I can think of. They're the only ones I can think of. They're the only ones I can think of. They're the only ones I can think of. They're the only ones I can think of. They're the only ones I can think of. They're the only ones I can think of. They're the only ones I can think of. They're the only ones I can think of. They're the only ones I can think of. They're the only ones I can think of. They're the only ones I can think of. They're the only ones I can think of. They're the only ones I can think of. They're the only ones I can think of. They're the only ones I can think of. They're the only ones I can think of. They're the only ones I can think of. They're the only ones I can think of. They're the only ones I can think of. They're the only ones I can think of. They're the only ones I can think of. They're the only ones I can think of. They're the only ones I can think of. They're the only ones I can think of. They're the only ones I can think of. They're the only ones I can think of. They're the only ones I can think of. They're the only ones I can think of. They're the only ones I can think of. They're the only ones I can think of. They're the only ones I can think of. They're the only ones I can think of. They're thea Khalifa. Oh yeah. That's not, I mean, I would, I've never heard of something. Sophia would tell her, yeah, but she's, these look like, oof. Are these pornography? That's definitely it.

Anisa Kate. That, that's porn. Algeria, that's cool. Those Gigi, like you said. Yep. Gold Shifte. Little Shifte Farahani. Is it a little journey?

I don't know. Leila Becquiti. This is, this is awesome podcasting. So it's just looking at girls. Yeah. I might want to fuck. Is it a little bit of a journey? I don't know. Leila Becquiti. This is awesome podcasting, as I was just looking at girls. I might want to fuck. Let's get my age known on the phone on the horn. Well, look, man.

I mean, I can do this for a while. I mean, just looking at cheeks, I'd like to fuck potentially. There's a lot of beautiful women on this list. There's a lot. I don't know hardly any of them though. And that's what the real beautiful women on this list. There's a lot. I don't know hardly any of them though. Right. And that's what the real work is on this pitch. Right, right.

Is that it can't just be a beautiful Muslim woman. Right. She's got to be known. Well, it could be kind of like a, let's buy low on both of us. Yeah. You know what I mean? Sure. And let's kind of get something.

And then maybe like, I cheat with somebody famous. And it kind of brings up both our Q ratings. There you go. You know, it's like oh she had him You know, I'm I gain I lose a bunch of I'd have to lose a bunch of weight and I have to gain it all back and have a relapse and fuck like you know Doja cat or something And then she would be like I can't believe he betrayed me and she would get like the big big, the Jennifer Aniston bump after Angelina and Brad Pitt happened where she was like, you know, and then I would be such a piece of shit. But then that would be good for my standup

because now everybody's waiting for my after he fucked up. He's a fat again. I mean, this is perfect. Dude, you just laid it out. Let's get the Illuminati if you're listening. I've been trying. Here's our plan. The plan is in place.

We just need help executing. We just need help, I've been trying. Here's our plan. The plan is in place, we just need help executing. We just need help. I laid it up. Yeah. Somebody reach out to us. I love to suck on a nice tan nipple. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean?

I mean, you know what I mean? I mean, you know what I mean? I mean, you know what I mean? I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean,

I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean I'd love, I mean, the older I get, the more I'm like, damn, it matters. I kinda want, because it's like, you know, I'm 34, and my whole life has just been trying to get successful in comedy. And it's like, no, I've done, and if I don't get any more successful in this, I'm happy, bro. This is a great life.

This life rules, I'm solid. I don't wanna, so now I'm like, well well then maybe I should like be a human being instead of, because you see people that just like really wanna just. Just chase the thing. And that's crazy, like I just, I don't wanna do, I wanna solve, right? You have a good instinct, yeah. I feel like it's drained a lot out of me,

like you know, just, the last couple years been awesome, I've done a lot of cool shit, but I'm like, let me just be a human being. And now that I'm like, I think I should try being in a serious relationship, whatever, part of me is like, I guess, and I'm like, let me just be a human being. And now that I'm like, I think I should try being in a serious relationship, whatever, part of me is like, I guess, and I have friends, I'm at the age of friends are having kids and getting married finally.

Yeah, this is the age, yeah. And so I'm like, damn, I think it would be, I would be cool if we shared some cult, like I kind of would like it to hurt some cultural overlap. The dream would be like, maybe half Greek, maybe. The dream would be like maybe half Greek, maybe, or even cooler would be like, an immigrant's two Greece. So somebody's like Asian or African

that speaks fluent Greek. But then, so we share, there's just enough overlap, but I'm trying to get, I don't wanna bring another white person in this world. I think you're great. I think that's, let's get it. That's enough of us already. Such a good instinct. I think you're great. I think that's enough of us already. So, that's a good instinct.

I think the plan should be, we hook up with this Muslim check. Yes, yeah, right, right, right. And then you go, I'm going to visit family, you go back to Greece. Now we're talking. You hook up. I'm village Greek.

And she's like, my halakha, she gets mad at you. And then you are like, this is who I'm meant to be. I'm sorry. So the love of your life really is the Greek girl. It is a little, it is a little like kind of stick with your own. You know what I mean? The, the, the, that's my one issue. So if she could be a foreign Greek, it would soften it.

Because it feels a little like the message to take away is, look, you're going to join, You've seen up prisons outbreak, right? Yeah. Yeah. You eat with your own kind. That's how you survive. Let's just say it's fair, okay? Like, yeah.

Yeah. We have a lot of mixing it up on the inside. No, there isn't. You're right, you're right. But I would, you know, we're on the outside. So I think I would like to be a little more sexually progressive. But look, all of this is up for debate. Contact me and Tom. We'll get this figured out.

Uh, feel free to reach out to me. I will vet your position. Uh, you get 10% of the pushy. You're my pushy manager. I'll let him know who's worth reaching out to. Okay. Um, don't forget to watch fat rascal out now on. Yeah. Congratulations, bro. Um, very happy for you. Thank you. You're really appreciate. Thanks for having me. watch fat rascal out now on never congratulations bro very happy for you very happy for all your success thanks for having me and I thank you again for doing the bit for us so funny go watch that

guys just go check it out and I will see you guys next time bird time time and bird one goes top the swath the other wears a shirt Tom tells stories and birds the machine there's not a chance and hell that they'll keep the clean. Here's what we call to Bearsman Cave.