2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - TikTok Fiasco w/ Howie Mandel | 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 175

Episode Date: March 6, 2023

Sponsors:- Go to https://Saatva.com/theshit to get $200 off ANY mattress of your choice.On this week’s episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave Bert Kreischer is joined by Howie Mandel in Tom Segura’s place. They discuss Howie’s TikTok fiasco, watching yourself on TV, how Bert Orders takeout, Julius Caesar, their worst haircut stories, and more! Throughout, the two come up with jokes, and Bert wraps up the episode by running them by his wife LeeAnn.https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://www.bertbertbert.com/tourhttps://store.ymhstudios.com/

So I posted this and it's a video actually and I wish I hadn't looked at that. I wish I hadn't looked at that You know what they say as comedians they say if you could just make one person laugh. Yeah, it's not supposed to be you It's not supposed to Sorry Look at me It's like I'm gonna pass out This episode of Two Bears When Capes Brought To You by Sapa, S-A-A-T-V-A.com. I am the guy to tell you that Sapa is the way to go. I get hit up all the time.

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They have great customer service and they'll take your garbage mattress away and they'll give you a new, nice one and it's gonna be a SATMA. Is everyone cool if we just start the podcast? Hey guys, new episodes of Two Bears One Cave and sitting in for Tom Saguera. The legend himself.

How are you, Mandel? Thank you for doing this on such short notice. In lieu of Tom, in lieu, you got the Jew. He's, I got the Jew. Now, you said is everybody okay if we just start the podcast, but you don't wait for an answer. Oh yeah, I didn't.

No, it's nice. It's kind of polite to say is everybody ready? But then you don't, if you don't wait for an answer because there might be somebody in the room that's nice, it's kind of polite to say, is everybody ready? But then you don't, if you don't wait for an answer because there might be somebody in the room that's not, you got a guy climbing the walls over here. Why are you climbing? You weren't ready. I like the spot in the 80 of things just starting.

We're ready. We're going on. The wide's ready. Yeah, the wide's ready. Bert, Bert, yeah, she's at, okay. Nobody was ready. Nobody was ready. The wide's ready. Bert, Bert, yeah, she's exactly. Oh, okay. Nobody was ready. Why it's ready? Why it's ready?

Okay. So my, like, my officially a bear? You are. A bear. Like, in this sense, not like the grinder sense. No, you are officially a guest bear. You have rights to percentages, you get points on our ad sales,

you can ride the race car whenever you want. I'm trying to be a mogul, howie. I see that. I'm trying to say that. We're in the studio, which is just a new building that you bought. It's a whole home. It's a whole home.

We converted everything into a studio. See, Tom is on the, and I would love to see your two cents. Tom is in the world. See my two cents, not hear it. Just hear it. Oh, because this is on YouTube also. No, I guess what you're saying. Yeah.

I want to see your two cents. You want to see my two cents. Tom is in the world of rent your space. Don't own your space. Build out your studio, but don't, you don't see. See, mine is by your space. Yes. Don't sell your space. Build out your studio, but you don't, you don't. See, mine is by your space. Yes. Don't sell your space. Done.

Never. That's, see, that's never. I wish you could look at Tom's real estate options. Can I show you some of his old houses? And you tell me if they were good by her. Did he sell them? He sold one. He shouldn't be selling.

See, we were talking right before we were rolling. We're probably rolling. That was before you asked, is everybody okay with it? I was off narcissists. I just care about myself. You do, but you asked the question. Yeah. Yes.

So you say to your wife, do you love me? And then you just fucker. I brought it last night. Did you? Oh. I don't know. I feel when you make that noise in your talking about your wife, I feel like I shouldn't be in the room. No, I'm not. I feel when you make that noise and you're talking about your wife, I feel like I shouldn't be in the room.

I get a lot of people talking to me. I get a lot of people talking to me. Everything to start, we watch grease, we had a bottle of wine, we had time. I'm reading, I'm loving your coasters. What did I say? Have you read? You don't know what that says. It says, I'm no gynecologist, but I know a dirty cunt when I see one.

Did your wife buy this? She bought them. She bought them. She bought them. She bought them. She bought them? She bought them. She bought them. Everything's in here is hers. So your wife went shopping for little knickknacks. And this is the knickknack. Your wife, your wife is amazing. Let me bet there are two, what is that one saying? There are two sides of every story. And you're a little cut in both of them. So she goes cut shopping. I get. Your wife, what does your wife get? I did, I actually bought for my wife.

I bought a keychain for her car that says, I'm the cunt on the keychain. That's, she has that. But, and I don't like driving, so she drives everywhere. And when I'm driving either, I don't. That's because I like drinking. So you like, I like designated. I'm a designated passenger.

But anyway, she, we valet. And it's always just fun to watch the guy go get the keys and then look, you see him looking like who's the content. And it's always my wife. But it's a gift from me. But I feel like your wife and my wife would get along really good if this is how she shops Yeah, that could be a new podcast my little sister I'm gonna leave that there. I think I think they have it two cons one cave or two

Be really do cons three caves two cons two caves two cons two caves two cons one cave or two could be really do come three caves to come to caves to come to caves to come to caves obvious. Yeah, obvious right. My little sister's name is Coddy and when she first came out to visit an LA my mother's sister's way funnier than me and she goes up

we're trying to get a table at a restaurant. She goes it was early. She was hung over right. She goes a three for Coddy and he goes, Cunti and she just goes, yup. That's my name. Say it out loud and sat back down. Like, I was, no, is that your name?

She goes, no, you guessed it. That's my name. That's my name. And then she sat there with her arms folded and he goes, you're ready and she goes, I'm so sorry, I can't hear you. Who's it for? And he was like, it's for you.

And she goes, no, no, no, no. My name. And then he goes, a Cunt for you. And she goes, no, no, no, no. You can't find, and then he goes, a country for three, and she goes, that's us. Ah! My sister is way, you ain't here good because you're Jewish, you'll get a kick out of this. So my sister, even if you're not Jewish, I think you'll like this.

No, I like this story, and I know this story, but tell me again. No, you don't, no, you don't. No, you don't. Yes, I do. I bet you I do. I bet you I know the story. Tell it to me. Is it the one where she works at a

studio and she sends a I can't even you know it's bad with how he man dogas you've told me the story twice You were on my podcast. I remember now how he man Dell does stuff how he man Dell does stuff I bet I just got two subscribers now you got a bunch of subscribers You really think your people would come over to mine bro your legend are you fucking kidding me? Everyone loves everything you do. I love what you do and I love that story so much and I've retooled that story a bunch of times It's so but tell it because maybe why I'll do it for the listener with the N word so this Tell the story I love the story

And I'm stamping it as a Jew I'm gonna tell you a different story, so the last but now people in the comments are going Why don't you tell us the fucking story? Oh, you know what if you want to hear the story go to how he man That does stuff yep with bird christia as the as the guest. It's a brilliant fucking story. Clip it out, clip that little part out, and then tag the story from your podcast and drive listeners there. That's what we do.

God damn it, we're good together. So the last time we were together, yeah, my computer started being, do you remember this? I know this story. I was on your podcast. I answered the phone. Do you know the whole story know this story. I was on your podcast. I answered the phone. Do you know the whole story though? The whole story?

Yeah, the whole story. I think I do, but maybe not. Okay, tell me the story. I answered the phone, which I was fascinated that you gave out your phone number with a detoxed. I got a doxed in my phone. What is doxed to me? When someone doesn't like you,

so they give out your phone number. Okay. What if they love you and they give out, can you be doxed? I've done that before. I've doxed people out of love. I doxed my, No, you tell the story.

Go ahead. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. If, aside from that, that you couldn't watch your podcast and see what happened with me. Yeah, you know what guys, if you want to check this out, check out brick. This is just, this is just an episode of sending people

to other episodes of other podcasts. I got a good one from Joe Rogan, you guys should check that. So what happened is, we were doing the podcast, and because I was docks, I changed phones. I got a new phone number, but my old phone number would go to FaceTime on my computer. So my computer would try to FaceTime, because I like FaceTime people. And so it started FaceTime and you go,

what is that? And I said, oh, I got doxed. So the FaceTime fans just calling you answer it. And I said, okay, and so we answered it. And you answered it and the guy was frozen. Right. And you're like, how did you get my number? And the guy's like, how are you, Mandel? And you go, yeah, don't call me.

You keep calling me. And he was like, I thought this was someone else's. And you go, who did you think it was? And you thought that the guy, it was hilarious. Now, here's what happened. So I was on a good OCD kick. I was not having any issues of repeating thoughts and, right. And I was good with this whole phone number thing

and bothered me, had tweaked me a little bit. So I go to the guy, I go fucking idiot, I go to that computer and I go to text that guy, like hey, can we use you on your thing on our from your from my computer? Your new number. My new fucking number. Do I right? I told you this story. If I told you this goddamn story, how am I going to follow you?

You did. Really, to be honest with you, I kind of we've talked. We've had a lot of conversation. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I thought on this episode, I should just show up. Let's just sit silently. There isn't, there isn't a podcast. There's no episode where just two guys just sit,

don't say anything and just think about the great stories that we've shared in the past. Okay. Okay. Okay. You know what? That was. Oh man. And if they wanna know what these are, Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh man. Oh man. And if they want to know what these are, just every other episode on every other podcast. Yeah. Not this one. Yeah. Not this one.

Not this one. Not this one. We have already pre-shared. No, but go ahead. What if you did a podcast? I want to do a podcast. Have I told you this before? Yep.

Yeah, you have. What? What? What a podcast? The fact is, we've only done two shows together. I did yours. I think I told you my best stories. No, when I was 22, I got involved with the rest in Mafia. That one you've told everyone. Okay, okay.

And did a special. Okay, can I tell you about the time I got my haircut? What's hair are we talking about? Top hair. Top hair. Okay. Top hair. No. So, this is a good story.

Let us be the judge of it after this story. I always say you can't say this is a good one or have you heard this joke? This is hysterical. I think that you need to judge after. I don't like when people go, this is the best joke in the world. And then my expectations are so high,

they're usually doesn't meet the expectations. So if you say your haircut story is phenomenal, it bring it buddy. It better be fucking phenomenal. This is the best fucking haircut story. We are about to hear. And if you're gonna share a really good haircut story, who better to share it with than this face?

Look at this. Great haircut story is how he may have. My hands are sweating. Let me get a sip of coffee and get this story ready. I gotta, I gotta, I gotta, my hands are sweating. I don't know if, I gotta rewrite it in my head and make sure it's plushed out. Then how do you drink coffee?

You just sip loud like that. It's lurper, if it's too hot, you slurper, it brings in air, it cools it down. I didn't even know there's a method to that. Oh, have you never seen Asian people? Soup? No. Oh, that's where I got all Asian. You got it from the Asian people.

The one who's gonna be one. I'm gonna be one of the, well one. I'm gonna be one of the, well one of the, I'm gonna be one of the, well one of the, well one of the, well one of the, well one of the, well one of the, well one of the, well one of the, well one of the, well one of the, well one of the, well one of the, well one of the, well one of the,

well one of the, well one of the, well one of the, well one of the, well one of the, well one of the, well one of the, well one of the, well one of the, well one of the, well one of the, well one of the, well one of the, well one of the, well one of the, well one of the, well one of the, well one of the, well one of the, well one of the, well one of the, well one of the, well one of the, well one of the, one of the, well one of the, well one of the, well one of the, well one of the, well one of the, well one of the, one of the, well one of the, well one of the, well one of the, Are you gonna mix it after the haircuts? I'm gonna lead in with this one. I'm gonna start with sanding. I'm gonna start with sanding and then I'm gonna go to hair cutting. I might slide in hair cutting so quick, you don't even notice it. So that you go, wait, did you ever listen to Jews drink water? That's my favorite podcast. Jews drinking water.

Jews drinking water. Yeah, we're not good with water. I don't know if you know the story. Do you remember the story and the Bible story? No. When we escaped, the Jews escaped. We walked through the desert for 40 fucking years. We finally get to water.

We finally got to the water. What would anybody else do? If you finally 40 years in the desert, yeah. In the fucking desert, looking for our homeland, we come to a body of water. What did we do?

You drink it? No, we waited for a miracle. We waited for the water to part so we can walk in more heat, in more sand. Like we didn't even go in, we didn't swim. We didn't take a dunk, we didn't take a drink. We're not going toward the water until the water moves away so we can have more desert. I don't really understand what the history,

why we did that. But if I was a smarter comic, I would have had a really great joke, you know what we did with water. What's it called when a government makes controls all the water is a word? Russia? No.

Yeah. I don't know when the government controls water. The water. Then they've taken that water and then you have to buy it from the government. What's that called? Communism. It is something like that. I don't know.

I've never lived where somebody else controlled my water. It's really popular in Africa. Like where they're going. It is. It's a problem. You have hit every, for the last three seconds, you've told me how Asians drink soup. How the Africans don't own their own water. Micro-lens are being in Africa.

Right, I know a lot of them. But have we been, have I been canceled? Not, no, I don't think so. Not yet. Canceling's like swimming with sharks. It is. You just gotta keep your feet up every now and then. Okay, okay, so what is the, they're looking at this, water rights facts? Cancelings like swimming with sharks. It is. He's got to keep your feet up every now and then. Okay.

Okay. So what is the, they're looking at this. Water rights facts. When do you believe that you have found, I see you scrolling through. There's no, he's never in a million years. You're going to find this. He doesn't find it, but he's not clicking on anything. No, no, he's scrolling.

If there's waterway, federal government owns water, history of clean water, summary of clean water, does government control the water? Click on that, what is, does the government control water? The state, the Safe Drinking Water Act. No, that's not what you're looking at. It's not colonized. It, no, it's, it's a, they, they, they own the water. No, is this supposed to be?

What does it mean to regulate water? Isn't there a story about the haircut that we can move to until we figure out what it happens to the, or what was the other thing? The Asian. My Asian friend Sandy who taught me how to drink soup, her name Sandy. One day we're all sitting around

and someone says to her, you know what it is, tat, I go, what's the tat? She goes, oh, it's my, what? Privatization of water. Privatization of water. Is when they take up, yes, tat, I go, what's the tat? She goes, oh, it's my, what? Privatization of water, privatization of water. Is when they take up, yes, take, and so, the joke would have been, hold on, the joke would have been, the joke would have been, do you know what the Jews first

when they got, when they got to the other way they did, go privatize it? That would have been the joke. And then it would have, it would have murdered. It would have been, but nobody, but nobody even knew what privatization is. But you would have gotten it though, right? No, and the point is that like what they be going what the fuck does that even mean? What does that mean? And then you'd have to Google for the next 10 minutes to find out it's a punchline and they wouldn't even

Have thought it was really funny as much as they would have thought. Oh, he's Well read hold on and he's not he just is in the room with people who are reading. Do this, tell the story again, and let me do my, let me do my line, and let's just see if it's funny. Okay. Okay. So the Jews walk for 40 years in the desert. 40 years under the hot, beaming sun, baking sun, in the sand with no, everybody's just chafed and hot.

And we finally get to the water. We finally, after 40 fucking years, looking for the homeland, we get to the water. We finally, after 40 fucking years looking for the homeland, we get to the water. What do you think we do? Providence it? This is terrible. This is terrible. Do you know what it was to give a straight face during this story?

Because I got so excited. Like they were calling my name at the Chicago Bulls. I'm like privatize it privatize it privatize it brilliant job. You know what they say as comedians they say if you could just make one person laugh yeah it's not supposed to be you it's not supposed to it's supposed to be like somebody in the audience. Like somebody in the audience. Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Oh! Alright. So what did Sandy do? So Sandy! Sandy! Sandy!

Sandy's, we're having Chinese New Year's in her house and one of her family members crawls her tat. I go, what the fuck's tat? She goes, It's Sandy Chinese. Yeah, she goes to my Chinese name. I said, what? She goes, I grew up in Boston in the 70s.

I couldn't have a Chinese name. Wasn't like a super forgiving place. So one day we all sat around the table and we picked white people names. So we could assimilate. And I said, for real, she goes, I go, everyone, she goes, yeah, everyone. I said, well, how'd you come up with Sandy?

And she goes, well, I was new because she was not from this country. She goes, I was a new girl at school from a different country. And I wasn't very cool, but I had just seen this movie about this new girl from a different country that had a hard time fitting in a school. And at the end of the movie, she was the coolest girl at that school. That movie was Greece. That's why I picked Sandy. I said, wow, it's crazy. I said,

I said, how did everyone else pick? And I'm serious for movies. That's my dad Rambo. How he got his I said, how did everyone else pick names? She was from movies. That's my dad Rambo, how he got his- The truth's not here. He's out of truth. He had a change that he didn't know. He didn't know that- What does Sandy do today?

She, I don't know. She goes to Vietnam and buys stuff and then brings it back. Yeah. Has she had any plastic surgery? No, not all she does is, she doesn't need it. No, but I'm saying maybe she enhanced herself. No, she doesn't.

No tit for tat is what you're saying. Her last name's tat. And so that's so fucking herself. No tit for tat is what you're saying. Her last name's tat, and so that's so fucking hilarious. No tit for tat. No tit for tat. I'm fucking calling Leanna right now to tell her no tit for tat. Sandy, no, no, wow, this is gonna murder. Is that better than privatizing water? Well, no, we're gonna try the privatizing water

on the joke on Leanna in a second. Okay. All right. Wow Good luck if she answer you play fucking arenas and now you're just There's a rena's and Leanne and Leanne. Yeah, what do you get more satisfaction from Liam? Okay? She sends me the Last back fucking what the fuck do you ever just want to cancel your wife's phone and go you don't get a phone anymore If you don't know how to answer it, you don't get a phone. How do you know she doesn't know how to answer it?

Well, she's not. She maybe doesn't want to. That's the whole point, and that's why she doesn't get a phone anymore. No one gets phones. I would like to have all the phones in my hand and go, you'll answer the phone. You could take away your wife's phone.

You're at that point in your marriage where you can go, no phone for you, time out. No, I definitely could not. No, I definitely could not. That would not happen. All right, but we'll try again a little later and we'll try the privatization or tit for tat. Which one will get the bigger response from Leanne?

Tit for tat, a home run. She won't even know what privatization is. I didn't. I'm not knocking your wife. I know what's the name. Nobody else in this whole room knew what it was. It's like a... It took nine people to Google.

But everybody knows what TIT is. Nobody knows what privatization is. Yeah, well, it was interesting. I bet there's a lot of kids that don't know what Rambo is. But I bet you, if you would have said the Jews walked for 40 years in the fucking desert, they got to the water. What do you think they did?

They all took off the robes and we saw their tits. Ha! That's, yeah. I mean, it's not good. It's not good. I went more like a John Malaney way. You went more like a Tom Saguaro way. That's Tom, Tom would love it.

Tom can have a Tom if you're watching. You can have that. You can have that Tom Needs material. Does he need a material? I see he's doing like Tom would love it. Tom can have it Tom. If you're watching, you can have that. You can have that. Tom needs material. Does he need a material? Yeah, he's doing like a world tour now. He's doing a world tour. It's his last tour.

I don't think he's going to tour after this. I think he's done. Well, what jokes like that? You don't want to go back. You don't want, he doesn't want a tour anymore? No, I think he really pressed it on this tour. And he is, I mean, he's playing Argentina. I know.

I saw that online. Like, how do you do, like, is there a lot of English, or does he do it in Spanish? No, he doesn't. I think is Argentina shows in English, but he does do stand up in Spanish. He does stand up in Spanish. Yes, same response. Silence, but it doesn't. In Spanish, though.

In Spanish. But silence in Spanish has more of a flair to it. It does. Spanish is such a sexy language. If I could speak any other language to it. It does. Spanish is such a sexy language. If I could speak any other language, it would be Spanish. Really?

Yeah, it feels like you're starting a revolution or making love, you know? Like, I speak a little bit of Spanish, but just enough to buy drugs in Mexico. I would love to, like, Israeli seems really like a rough language, like, oh. Nothing sexy about it. You think, you think Israeli is sexy?

It really sounds like makeup sex. Really? Yeah. There shouldn't be in anything that sounds sexy. There should be no sounds. Yeah. Who is not sex? Well, it can be sexy if the is pull it out a little bit. That then it is. You don't want to hear a woman going. I think I'm coming. I'm gonna come all over the room. Or you're coming and I'm choking on it. I'm coming all over your chest. But that's not sexy. That's a sound.

All the other languages are sexy. Russian's not sexy either. So funny, my hairdresser was Israeli. A lot of hair stories. No, I was trying to slide it in. See, you wouldn't notice it. That's when a joke comes out. You have a hairdresser was Israeli. A lot of hair stories. No, I was trying to slide it in and see you would notice it. That's when you joke the best. You have a hairdresser.

You don't have a person that does your hair. You say hairdresser. That's a do. That you have. It's because you either one of those kid, you went with your dad and got a barber or you went with your mom and got a hairdresser. And so I started saying hairdresser because I always went

with my mom. I'll tell you a funny story about hairdresser. If you're a friend. Exactly what I just told you. Yeah, is it better be a funny story? It better be a funny story. My son, my son, Alex, who is the producer of my podcast. And he had hair, he used to have hair,

I guess he had a hair, we let his hair grow. His hair was really long. And finally, my wife said, you know, he needs a fucking haircut. You better take your son for a haircut. At this time, he was like seven or eight, and there was only one place that he would go. It was like a supercuts, something.

So I took him to the supercuts. They have supercuts, not super hairdressers. And so I took him to supercuts, and the person that he was comfortable sitting with was not there that day, he was really upset, and they said, he won't be back, and I told my wife I'm gonna bring him home. She goes, no, get him a fucking haircut. I go, oh, okay. So I go and there's a hairdresser

in this strip mall. It was like a Spanish hairdresser like a spanish like all. It was a Mexican hairdresser. I love the I watch this only on TikTok. Keep going. A salon. Yeah. It was like a salon for ladies. And so I just, I'm gonna get in my haircut. So I go in and a lady's at the door and she doesn't begin English and I don't begin Spanish. And I go, hair, hair, hair, haircut. And he's going, no, no, no, no. And I'm going, just be quiet.

You can't say a word. You don't say a word, you don't say a word. You don't say a word. And he doesn't say a word, he's eight. He's got this long hair and she goes, okay, okay, I make beautiful, I make beautiful. I make beautiful. And I go, okay, so I go and I put him in the chair with him. He's like seven or eight years old.

And I said, I'll be back soon, you do not say a word. You do not say a word. You do not say a word. And I go and I go get a coffee or something and I leave. And then I come back and it's this Mexican hair salon. And I look as I walk, there's a lady sitting in a chair and she has like a, the first lady in the first chair has like a bouffant with her hair flipped up in a nice little haircut, the second lady in a chair with a different hairdresser Has a like a big like a beehive with her hair flipped up and I get to my son and he's sitting there with a tear

Coming down his cheek with the font and his hair flipped up. They had no idea. This was a little boy They gave him an old Mexican Mexican ladies hairdo and he's crying and I told him not to say a word and the thing was I just I thought it was the funniest fucking thing I've ever seen. There's nothing worse than a bad haircut. Bad haircut. It's such a real thing because you can't fix it. No, and it's done. It's a dude. They don't know this is a boy And I paid the lady and I gave her a $20 tip and I should come with me and he's going dead No, no, and I'm going to know you got it and I brought him home. I wouldn't let her fix it And my wife I walked in the door and my wife goes what the fuck? Did you do I go you're gonna send me to go get him a hair isn't a beautiful and he had his friends over

He had he had this horrible Mexican ladies haircut for about two weeks He threw my kids in the air My hair cut story is not that good. Oh, yours is so much better. Oh, that's a true story. That's a true story. That is fucking hilarious. Okay, what is fucking hilarious?

So tell me the Sandy story. What was the Sandy story? You told me there's a Sandy, oh the Sandy was the Rambe. Rambe story. Rambe story. My hair cut story is not is not as good but they can edit the podcast and put it first and I can go oh and now you got to hear my story. So I there was the hair guy who cut my hair did everyone's hair yeah he it was really hard to get a hold of he came in once a month on a Thursday. What do you mean came into the LA? Yeah he lived in he lived in Santa Barbara and he would come in and do hair once a month and it was really What do you mean came in to the LA? Yeah, he lived in Santa Barbara,

and he would come in and do hair once a month, and it was really hard to get. So you kinda had to like, time it out, you get a call. Hey, his name, I'm gonna say, I'll say his name's Tom. Why don't you wanna call him out? Because it's a good, I'll tell you the story, cause it's a weird story. I hope if he hears the story, he's cool with this story.

So, I really hope so. So he says to me. I can't tell he didn't call out his name. He goes, he was really hard to get a hold of. So he comes in on Thursdays and I get a call. Now, Leanne had just dumped me because we got into an argument and two were friends didn't like me.

Took away our phone. They were teaming up on me. So I was in a bad our phone. They were teaming up on me. So I was in a bad spot. Her friends were teaming up on you? That sounds like a positive. You'll hear, you'll hear. Okay, you'll hear. So she, I'm in a bad spot, I'm crying.

I'm watching Fight Club on repeat. I'm just in a bad spot and I get a call from the place and they go, hey, Tom is gonna be in town. Thursday, do you want to get a haircut? And I said, no, I'm good. And so they're like, okay, that's why you hang up. How much is a haircut from this guy? $80.

So Thursday comes around and it's Tom. And he calls my house and he goes, hey, I'm here. Come get a haircut. He goes, I know you do, come get a haircut. And I was like, hey man, I can't. And he goes, why? I said, I'm going through something. He goes, tell me what's going on. And I said, do, come get a haircut. And I was like, hey man, I can't. And he goes, why? I said, I'm going through something, he goes, tell me what's going on.

And I said, I got dumped by a chick. I'm having a hard time getting over, and he goes, I'll tell you what, the thing you need is a haircut. There's nothing better than a good haircut. It'll make you feel like a million dollars. Why don't you come down, we'll talk, we'll figure out what's going on with you in this chick.

And I love this guy. So I go, all right, you know what? So I drive down down I get there and He is sitting by a pool table drinking a beer now. He was a recovering heroin addict So I go to him I go hey, what are you doing with the beer and he goes you want one? I said no I said well, I don't know maybe it's part of the story he goes why don't we have a beer and talk about I go I thought you were I'm recovering heroin addict and he goes dude heroin was my problem not beer I got a cold beer with a friend and talk about it? I thought you were recovering heroin addict. And he goes, dude heroin was my problem, not beer. I can have a cold beer with a friend

and talk about what's going on. So I thought if you're an addict, that's what I said. Okay, so we crack a beer and I go, her friends think I have a drinking problem. And he goes, how many? I said, what do you, this is my expertise. How many? He was, I've been in recovery forever.

How many friends or how many friends? How many friends think you have a drink problem? I said two and he goes fuck them That's the friends. I said really and he goes let me tell you something if one person tells you have a tail Fuck them. They're crazy if two people tell you have a tail They're teaming up on you, but if three people tell you have a tail turn around I go for real and he goes yeah, and he goes Want to smoke a joint? I was like, huh?

He's like gonna smoke a joint. I go what, huh? He's like, I'm gonna smoke a joint. I go, what do you mean? He said, go to the bathroom, smoke a joint. I said, I'm so sorry. I don't mean to hammer this, but I thought you were in recovery. And he goes, yeah, for heroin, smoking weed wasn't my problem, drinking beer wasn't my problem.

Doing heroin was my problem. Are you gonna smoke a joint with me or not? I go, no, no, we'll smoke a joint. So we go to the bathroom, we smoke a joint, and it goes, you love this girl? I said, yeah, and he goes get her back, fight to get her back. Do everything in your power to get her back. You don't want to lose the good ones. And I said, yeah, oh, fight. Yeah, and so I said, okay. So we go out, we go to get a haircut, and you grab another couple beers, and he takes a straight razor with one hand as he drinks a beer and he cuts my hair with a straight razor and his thumb it hurts so fucking bad.

He's straight at me, he's there and he's thumb. And his thumb he's just going like this and just cutting it and I'm watching and he's barely paying attention because he's high as fuck. And he cuts bangs that look like simple jack from Tropic Thunder and they, and he's he cuts them they stick up and he leaves a lot of hair on the back and I look my son so bad I look so bad and he goes hey man I hope you get that growing now he's visibly wasted he's like I hope you get that girl back and I was like when is it you're good I go to my car and I start crying because now I look like an idiot I'm never getting her back. I drive to my house. I walk in my door, go to my bedroom,

think I just wanna cry. And she's sitting on my bed. I know, I know. The body in my head just went out of your hair. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I know it was a bad ass hair, could I have never gotten in my life? But you're with her.

I know, I got her back. He's a great guy, I love that guy. I tried to get a haircut from him again, and I think he went back to rehab. I think beer and weed was his problem. But he got it, that's a happy ending. Yeah, he got me, he got me, he got me. That's a better story than my son. Oh no, no, no, I think it is.

Crying, there's something so real when you fuck up someone's hair. I've done it. I remember with Caesar haircuts. We're in. Do you remember that? Caesar haircuts. Remember when Caesar haircuts. Yeah, during the Roman ages. I saw Caesar had it. You have a little short bangs. You put some leaves. You put them make a little sticker at twig with a little. I didn't know Caesar was a real person. You thought it was a salad. No, no, no, I thought it was a play by Shakespeare. Wait, you didn't know. I didn't know it was based salad. No, no, no, I thought it was a play by Shakespeare. Wait, you didn't know.

I didn't know it was based on a real dude. Like me. Tell me. Tell me what a real dude. Okay. Yeah. Then Caesar, is it a real dude? Who?

Pock from a mid-summer night's dream. Right. And so I didn't know Shakespeare's where we were in Italy with the girls and they said this is where Caesar was killed. No one hold on. Wait, you were already like a grown person with children? Oh, it was 49. And I was like, Caesar is a real person.

And I just watched my daughter, I like, oh, it's gonna be a good one. And I was like, yeah. And then Eilas said to me, dad explained, and the lady goes, yeah, Caesar is a real person. And I was like, I thought he was just a play. And a haircut. And I said, when was he alive? And she said he was alive before Jesus.

And I said, there's stuff before Jesus. And she goes, oh, and Eilah goes wait for it. She goes, dad, tell her all the stuff you think was before Jesus. And I just went dinosaurs. And the lady's like, and Eilah just goes, baby, Walrus doesn't read a whole bunch. They call me baby Walrus. And so, but I didn't know there was, and the Bible, and I just goes, baby walrus doesn't read a whole bunch. They call me baby walrus. And so, but I didn't know there was, and the Bible, I swear to God, I swear to God. I thought the reason that it was so willy nilly was that they wrote it on stones.

And it's hard to read. If you're going to write into stone, you're not going to get super into description. Right. You're going to be like, he split the C. That's it. He's put the C. That's not gonna be the reason. Right, details are tough. Details are tough when you're carving the stone. Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk,sk, tsk, tsk, tsk,sk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk,sk, tsk, tsk,sk, tsk, tsk, Why were they writing stuff on stones if they could, at the time, also write stuff on paper?

You know what, you're making more sense than the actual real history. Maybe you're right. I mean, like, it seems crazy. Wouldn't it be weird if people found out that you were right? There was like three dinosaurs that died from their farts from, because they say that's what happened. Flatulence of the dinosaurs. Same as cows.

Yeah, but dinosaurs are much bigger. Their flaxulence was the warming of the planet. How aggressive do you think a dinosaur fart would be? I mean, that's like a sand storm. Oh, it's more. Oh my God. It depends what dinosaur you're talking about. But the dinosaurs farted, they died,

and then Jesus showed up. That's the way, I think that's the history. That's your history. And then there was a salad and some guy goes, that's my salad. Caesar haircuts, that was my point. Yeah. Do you don't remember the Caesar haircut?

Who are you pointing at? The Caesar haircut. Well, that's the Caesar haircut. It was like really popular in like 2000. 90, 1970. By 2000 I was already, I think I was the haircut. It was like really popular in like 2000. Not even in the 1970s. But 2000 I was already, I think I was already shaved. So I wasn't aware. And the truth of the matter is, in my world,

none of my haircuts, in my whole history of my life, never had a name. I didn't know names to haircuts. Hold on, so what would you say when you went to get, pull up how we manned L haircuts? What would you say when you'd go to get your haircut? Just, can I get a haircut? And then what would they do?

Give me a haircut? No, you wouldn't say like, I want it tight on the sides. I would do that, I would do like, yeah, or I don't know what that one that he's pointing at is. It's just like, it was like, my head was like a giant armpit. It was just that, that's just an armpit. It's just like, it's a clear pair. You don't grow it long.

Yeah, I had it really. There it is. See, I look like that guy from Stranger Things. Look at me, I was a little girl. I look like a little fucking girl. There I am. That's me. Don't I look like a girl?

So that's a haircut. I said, can I get a haircut? So they, they made it look like a haircut. Oh, everybody thought I was a girl. I've always given notes on a haircut. Like I've always said, like, what I want done. I never did. I mean, I learned later on, it was a mullet.

I didn't even say, believe me, I've never gone in and said, can I have a mullet? A mullet wasn't something you asked for when mullets were really in before Theo Vaughan brought them back. He did bring them back. He did bring them back. But I never, I never, I never mentioned. Hair has never been a big deal for me.

What was the day you decided to shave it off? The day I decided to shave it off was, I talked about it in my act a little bit. Well, I got a part in a movie where I was gonna be a bad guy and I was trying to, I was shaving. I was shaving and I was trying to even my sideburns. And this one was up a little higher than this, and then this one was up a little higher than this, and this was up a little higher than this, and then this was, and then I thought,

okay, I'll look like a bad guy because it'll be like here, it'll be here. And then I couldn't get that even, and then it was like kind of a weird mohawk. And then that wasn't even. And then I just went, I played for a little while. Like, you got a hair art on my head. And then I had a little, and then I shaved it. And then I thought, okay, it'll grow back. And then I thought, oh, fuck, this is clean. This feels clean.

Like the first thing that feels dirty, when you think you need a shower is your hair, right? It feels like kind of greasy and dirty. And then I thought, this feels clean. And because of my OCD and my germaphobia, I said, this is kind of cool. And then I went and I showed my wife what I had done. And she went, what the fuck did you do?

And I thought, that's a good response. Yeah, that's the first time she's responded to like a haircut. Or and then I kept it. I kept it. I did a movie. What was in the movie? What movie was it? Riches here, some of the guys that I kept it. I kept it, I did a movie. But who's in the movie? What movie was it? Riches here, some of the guys that I work with. Remember that movie that I did with what?

Yeah, who was in it? It was Gary Marshall's son directed it. Scott Marshall directed it, and I don't know that it even came out. Spin Cycle, it's called Spin Cycle. Look up Spin Cycle, See if it even came out. Spin cycle was the name of the movie. I remember Sarah Chalk was in it

and spin cycle movie. Is it out anywhere? I'm aware about to see this. Is that it? Spin cycle movie? Was any Schumer in it? No. No.

2000. So it was, you said 2001, I said I'd already shaved. So that's when I shaved. There it is. Howey Mandel, Sarah Chalk. I'm in that movie. I'm the bad guy. I shaved my head for that movie.

Wow. I haven't seen the movie. I didn't, I don't go. I don't really watch myself. I won't, I would go ahead. Oh no, I love it really watch myself. I won't go ahead. Oh no, I love it. Watching me. Watching me.

Oh, I thought you'd love, do you like watching me? I love watching you too. Yeah, I love watching me. I watch. You're not critical of yourself. It's so funny. The things I see, the things will alert me that I go, woo, woo. But I watched my movie, The Machine,

and I was so distracting in it, because I was crying the entire time that they asked me next time to sit in the back of the room because of my sitting in the front was affecting everyone else's notes. Because no one wanted to give notes because they're like, he fucking loved it. I was crying the second I saw the opening scene,

I started bawling crying, and you could hear me in the front row. It's awesome. This is so great. And that was a note session. Yeah. And you're just going, it's awesome. It's not good.

So you had no critical notes. You had nothing. You didn't want to. No, I was like, don't change the thing. It's so perfect. It's like a love song to me. The day. Yeah.

And they were like, no, we're changing a lot of it. I can't watch myself. I can't. I don't like the way I sound. I don't like the way I look, I don't like anything about me, I'm not a huge fan of mine. I go to just about every show I do, but I'm not, I can't, I can't, I don't like me. I'm better when I'm edited. Like I love, I don't remember what we say on these podcasts, I don't remember when I say on any podcast, so sometimes I know I'm watching. I know you want to tell the same story again. I'm telling the same story for nine years at one stage. I think sometimes when I watch

a clip I go, oh shit, I said that. Like I'm gonna be like, oh, that was really a way to go, Bert. And think about many repercussions on that statement. But that's what makes you charming and that's what makes it work and that's why people love you. And you know, you know, you know, that's why you are playing to the audiences you're playing to the sizes, that's why people love you, don't go changing anything. I'm just, I just sit and cringe. I think I'm more, that's more normal for people to listen to the sound of their voice

and not like their voice. Yeah. And, and, or not, or be edit themselves. But sometimes you'll, I probably would edit what other people like. So I, I will. Yeah, that's accurate. Well, the, I was not comfortable with my body in a couple of scenes or the way a shirt fit, that's what I notice. You didn't like the way a shirt fit? You didn't even like a shirt. Yeah, I know, I don't know, because they blouse out on me, and you can see that I'm,

I look worse and clothes sometimes, I do shirtless, I feel like. And so like that's the thing. Blouse? Blouse? Is that a word? Am I saying it wrong? No, is that a word?

Yeah, blouse. Blouse, I thought is what you wear. Like a woman, look at me in this blouse. Blouse. Is that a word? My thing. No, is that a word? Yeah. I blouse. Blouse. I thought is what you wear. Like a woman. Look at me in this blouse.

Yeah. I'm going to get a man's blouse. Yeah. I don't think there is such a thing as a man's blouse, right? Is there such a thing as a man's blouse? I'm asking if I'm a man's blouse. There's a female in the room. By the way, this is great merch right here.

How we put man's blouses. Man's blouses. You should sell man blouses. A man blouse would be something for a guy with a belly where it blouses out. Men's blouses. Did you look up blouses? Men's blouses. That's a blouse.

We get the definition of blouse. I wonder what a blouse actually is. I think you're going really hard on the S. You're going, yeah, blouse. Blouse. I think it's a blouse. Blouse. It's not a blouse.

Blouse. That's a louse with a been on it. Man's blouse. A woman's loose upper garment resembling a shirt, typically with a collar, is a blouse. But a man's blouse. What is a man's? I blouse, I blouse my trousers over my boots.

It's a word. Yeah, you blouse it. I didn't, I never said that. I never said we need to blouse, I'd like to blouse my trousers over my boots. It's a word. Yeah, you blouse it. I never said that. I never said we need to blouse. I'd like to blouse my pants. I'm not going to tuck my, usually I tuck my slacks into my boots, but tonight I'm going to blouse them out and see if the ramifications are worthwhile.

I'm going to blouse my jacket over my watch. Wow, I never thought I'd be on this podcast, that this would be the podcast where I'd be on this podcast, that this would be the podcast where we'd be talking about blousing. That would be great if we could come out with man blouses and make a new merch line. I would love, you should do that.

Yeah. Two bears, one blouse. Two bears, one blouse. That's the, that's the, I'm sure people have shown up at your shows with blouses on and they just it looks cool with two bears on it Two bears and then it just blouse It's better than my merch my merch just said stuff, but you have a blouse. You have a man blouse

How much merch do you have which good? Howie go to what's your website? Howie does stuff? Howie go stuff. Yeah, what's your merch? What's your merch look like? It's just starting. I'm just what howie mandel.com I didn't even know where to get it. I don't have any blouses. Let's see what it looks like. I don't I don't even know. I'm wearing some new merch. New merch click here. Brand new merch. I got brand new merch. What is the brand new merch? Let's see what the brand new merch is. It's just a black blank stuff. It's a lot of things with stuff. That the first one, look, go back to the first one that is this COVID related, is, do you know what that is?

No. So I did a post on TikTok that got me in trouble with a prolapsed anus. Do you know what a prolapsed anus is? Rachel just brought this up. She just brought, she goes, did anyone see how these posts on the prolapsed anus? I definitely know what a prolapsed anus is.

Why? You say that was such pride. No, I know I just follow a lot of porn stars and I've heard there are struggles. Wait, is that a struggle? Because I did, you know what H3 is, the podcast? H3H3, yeah. Yeah, so he can climb.

Yeah, he celebrated it and he had a guy on that does a pro lapsed a-ness trick for, he's got a website where he does it for porn. He can actually prolapse his anus. He blows it. I think I know this guy. You know how you know this guy. I think I met this guy.

I think he was backstage at my show in Vegas. Backstage? Yeah. Backstage. But he can inflate and protract his anus and then suck it back in. It's like balloon animals for adults. It's like an elephant nose.

Like he can put a pencil and then elephant nose is anus out grab it and then suck it back up. Yeah, I think he can. So I don't know if that's, listen, I'm a judge of talent. So pull up the potelab stainless picture. Can I see it? No, my God, are you serious?

Well, we can edit it out by like you see. But I got in trouble for it. I thought how he mandell potelab stainless. Oh, that's not what you want to be known for on the internet. No, but enough that I do have it. So I didn't know is a pro lap. Danis. I didn't know what I was looking at. Hold on. So you just you two ears tweeted it and you're like there it is the first one. So I posted this and it's a video actually and I wish I hadn't looked at that. I wish I hadn't looked at that. Oh, I didn't think, I don't think I know what a pro-lop

Santa's is. I don't think I know what a pro-lop Santa's is. I didn't know what it was. I thought somebody taped something to the back of themselves. I thought it was like a... Rang, r friend Neil and I asked if this is COVID related. It's not my friend, I just found the picture and I said that and I said, is this COVID related? I didn't know what it was.

And then my son called me hours later and said, Dad, what did you post? I go, I don't know, it's a funny, I saw a funny picture with wet meat on the back of pants. And it's not funny. It's not funny. And he said, take it down. And I said, why?

He goes, you're trending worldwide. It had like a hundred million clicks worldwide on Twitter and Twitter. What a fucking great moment. Oh, how fucking hilarious is that you don't want to be the tattooed moment with the haircut or Sandy or Asian sipping soup? It's not as good as your son getting

a Mexican woman's haircut. Okay. It's not as good as your son getting a Mexican woman's haircut. Okay. It's not as funny as that, but how funny. So how much fun to be an internet passer by and someone just goes, why is how a man dealt trending? Right. That's exactly what was happening. All those moments are talking about it.

Look, I'm soaked. Did I just get soaked? You just got soaked. You just got soaked. It's not, oh my god. I'm, it's not a, you just glistened. You just glistened. I'm really sweating because You just got soaked. She just got soaked. It's not it's oh my god. I'm It was not a you just glyph and you just glyph and I'm really sweating because it was a rod I didn't mean to do it. Yeah, it was a accident and I just thought I was doing something funny And it was just this random picture. I am sweating like soaked

So funny you just broke into a sweat because Sponsors I'm on network series, I'm on network TV and sponsors, hold on, and they didn't, they hold on. Did people get upset for real? Are you fucking kidding me? Oh my God, hold on. What world do we live in that we really think that you're actually tweeting a pro lab saying

it's going like, hey guys. Well, because they say you have a family audience and you're, I didn't know know some guys asshole coming out of his body Look at me I'm gonna pass out I didn't know that you see this Why is that funny It's I mean it's, it's the beauty of everything.

I'm just going like, being like, wait, what an alley? I'm down three and then you're just with a straight face. It's just going like, it didn't really bad, no? We did it. Did you get in trouble? Are you serious? That's not fair! That's not fair!

I lost sponsors in the American. Are you fucking serious? Yeah. Shut the fuck up! 100-thousand-thousand dollars I lost. Oh my god. Then I guess it's going away again. But the thing is... It's going away again!

Oh, we can edit this out of you up, but please don't. This is your fucking... You don't have to, I'm being honest. Yeah, this is honesty. This is honesty. Shut the fuck up. Oh, this is... Look at is honesty. Shut the fuck up. Oh, this is, this is, look at me, somebody get me.

You're from the white, do you see this? Yeah. I'm really, I was about to pass out. Wait, I didn't know that this has really hurt me. This really, like, didn't really, but how we hang on? Okay, can I tell you, this is from my side of the fence? I go,

there's no fence. You've got, but no, but like, because what happens is something like that is people take sides, right? And they go, that's inappropriate. And then you are standing in the middle going, I don't know what I did. Like, is it bad? And then, and then the internet fucking laughs hysterically because they go, he really didn't know what he did. That, it's a genuine, genuine mistake, a genuine mistake. And then to post a guy's ass who came out,

I learned later that he was a weight lifter. And I think if you push too much, he lifted so much, he dropped. His ass came out of the back, not only out of his body, it ripped through his pants. That's a lot of pressure. Like if your ass is gonna drop out, it didn't just come out.

It escaped. Your ass escaped from wherever you was, and there was a lot of wetness. I thought it was just like a putty cake. I didn't know what it was. Putting, I didn't know what it was. And my son goes, Dad, please, just take that down. I go, okay, so I took it down.

This is a night, like one in the morning. And the morning I got a call from my agent, he goes, what did you do? I go, I don't know what it, what did I do? And they go, you posted a pro-lapse stainless, I said, stop right there. What is that? What is a pro-lapse stainless?

I know with the word anus. I don't, and I even know the word pro-lapse. Pro-lapse. Is this from, and hang on, just so I can get the whole story. This started with Ethan Klein. No, okay. So Ethan Klein thought it was so funny

that I posted this because he was dealing with Ethan. Ethan is, Ethan is, I love Ethan. He's the heartbeat of the internet. Like he knows, he knows the internet, he knows the internet before it knows itself and he loves the internet. I'm no need them for a very long time.

So he, because this had like a hundred million clicks, I guess this was part of his thing. And not only did, so he, and it's kind of like, he, every guest that he had on, he would show this picture and have them comment on it. Oh my God. So is this COVID related? Look, I'll even show you like today.

I can go on my TikTok right now. When did you post this? They'll tell me July 9th, 2022. They tell me every day, no matter what I post, I can post a silly person dancing, which I did today. Hang on, a silly person dancing and we won't forget Howard.

Look at that, we still remember Howard. But this is the beauty of the day. That's today, that's today. That's like everybody and then they post the thing and then they go, or they make fun of everything I do and they go, is this COVID related? So I made T-shirts, is this COVID related? That's my merch.

Okay, can I ask a weird sidebar question? Is this a sidebar question? Yeah, because my wife is technically, to tell her I'm in the middle of it, if it's really important. Okay, go ahead. So like, but what's interesting to me about it is like, it's not, it doesn't hurt anybody, right?

It doesn't hurt anybody. Apparently it does, whether if you're asked, pause the product. Oh, okay, that's all right. That literally hurts people. It's not really does. No, but like, okay, I would assume from the outside looking in that you have a ton of money.

Don't you do using the wrong, I know, I know. I know, from 3000 feet up, I feel like you you have money, right? I do. So like a couple hundred thousand dollars for an epic internet moment is so like But more than that, I thought like I it's not even the money the thought that I That I I'm really old school that I did something that was so offensive that I, and they were making comments like, children are seeing this and this will damage children. I don't even understand.

Like I would have showed that picture to my kids and thought, look, there's a guy that does puppets out of the backside. Like I didn't know that it was a bad thing. I didn't know. Oh, this is the beauty, but you're, this is like, why is that beautiful? I don't know, because it's, it's,

it's the thing that makes the internet funny. I don't know the right way to say it, but like, but like, even though like, hey, we'll never forget Howard, is it, you gave the internet a joke. You gave the, yeah, to the internet. I did. You gave the gift oh yeah, to the internet. I did. You gave the gift to people where they get to laugh together

and share in the comments and giggle to each other. Really? And by the way, as someone who's been there a lot, and I've been there a lot, I haven't. So it really hurt it. Then you need to stay away from Tom Saguara because that's all he does. He goes after Garth Brooks.

Every Garth Brooks did a promo video one time. I think I'm getting this right. Garth Brooks did a promo video where he's like, I'm going on tour. Let's get weird. And Tom goes as acting like guy who has bodies in his backyard. And now for the past probably seven years, five years, all that if you read Garth Brooks' comments, all his comments are, where are the bodies at Garth? Like anything, I did not know that.

Oh, oh, it's so bad that Garth Brooks, I think it won't get me at Tom. Oh, I think he hates Tom. Oh, okay. Oh, I think he hates Tom. Oh, okay. Oh, I think he hates Tom. But Garth, all Tom, and they look identical. Yeah, they get it. All they write is where the body's at, Garth.

They go to shows and they hold signs up. They go, tell us where the bodies are, Garth. And so, but here's the thing. Why? Here's the thing. Here's the thing, Garth thinks. So Tom and I got no argument about this on Rogan, because we talked about it the next day.

Because at first, I go, yeah, but you don't get, like Tom never, Tom doesn't get any hate in his comments. Like, and if he does, he doesn't notice because he really genuinely doesn't care. But like, as someone who cares, and like they say, I fuck dogs in my comments, they say that I smell in my comments. There was a period where they were calling me

the most racist comic in America, smell in my comments. There was a period where they were calling me the most racist comic in America All in my comments. I just didn't care but then the racist thing bothered me and then once you care That's when it really skyrockets. So Tom was explaining you with fuck docs No, I know I know We got the we got the clip for this week. So but but but but Tom was saying We got the clip for this week. So, but Tom is saying the thing to do, and I find to understand this, is if Garth leaned into it just a tad bit,

right, it would be, it's understanding the internet, it's getting the internet, getting a lean into this. I would, yeah, lean into it. Just more, yeah, more pro-lab stainless. I'm trying to lean into this. Yeah, lean into it. Just more, I'm trying to. More pro-lapsed anuses. I'm trying, I'm trying. I think, I think.

I can't do it, I can't do it. I feel like I've pro-lapsed my anus at times. I don't think you have. I think if anybody has, except as one guy that was on Ethan's show, and then I got in trouble, they said I was not respectful of him. He came on. Ethan tried to trick me. He goes, judge this talent.

This guy comes on. He turns around. He pulls down his pants and his ass blows out like a fucking, you know, balloon floating over Montana. I wanted to shoot it down. Oh my God. And then, and then, and then I made some comments or something and then they go, you're being disrespectful.

But the guys are really nice guys. And I'm sure that's a towel, and I'm kidding. Anyway, so that's the merch. I'm happy to talk about it, but I'll talk about anything. Because I don't think I do anything malicious. No, you don't have a malicious bow in your body. That's our new merch. Is this COVID related? That shirt, I'm definitely getting one of those. I'll give you one. You don't have to buy. You don't have to malicious bow in your body. That's our new merch. Is this COVID related that shirt? I'm definitely getting one of those

I'll give you one. You don't have to buy you don't have to go to have a I will give you one. I would love that shirt. I would love that shirt Especially now that you know what it's related to oh, and by the way You're gonna sell a ton of shirts to these guys watching this who can't wait to jump in your comments Our fans are gonna be like oh Subscribing to jump in your comments. Our fans are gonna be like, aw, definitely subscribing to how he's been. Why did she know that? She literally said today, have you seen how he's Instagram?

And I said, no, why? And she goes Instagram, it's TikTok. TikTok, he posted, I have 11 million followers on TikTok. Do you really? And you put up a pro-lap stania, so you're gonna get. Well, are you on TikTok? Yeah, I am.

Yeah. And what do you do on there? I don't, I are you on TikTok? Yeah, I am. Yeah. And what do you do on there? I don't, I didn't understand TikTok at first and then they explained to me as technically stories and they've been posting stories. Doesn't have to be a story. You could just put up a pro lap, stainless, there's no story there.

End of story. If that's called a happy ending, that is the, that's what it is. That is a home run. I do my own TikToks. Apparently. Yeah, yeah, you might want a a home run. I do my own TikToks. Apparently. Yeah, you might want to hire a team. I'm going to want to take my son to take it down.

I do it myself. It's all me. Yeah, it's all me. I don't have a snow. I did. It's it's it's it's it reeks of all you. It's got you all over it. Thank you.

My TikToks are this one with Victoria, a poll's stories that I post or anything I post and then she throws it on my TikTok and they do well. People, a lady last night that delivered our Chinese or Thai food said, I do the guy from TikTok. I so badly wanted to say, I do more than that, but I didn't say that.

I didn't say that. I said thank you very much. She goes, you made me giggle. I went, thank you. That's all I need. I said this said, thank you very much. She goes, you made me giggle. I went, thank you. That's all I need. I said, this is gonna be a great meal. She goes, it's $156. It should be.

You had $156 with the Thai food. Over order aggressively. Like 100 because that's a lot of Thai food. What is your favorite? I like Pad Thai. I like, I got Pad Thai. I got drunken noodles. I got spring rolls, shrimp spring rolls. And you finished this? I got drunken noodles. I got spring rolls shrimp spring rolls and you finish this I got chicken

Penang chicken penang I got a yellow curry and I got a And is the family involved in the yeah the girls look we I just order for everyone. I don't like I don't like I'm like I like ordering for everyone and just get you don't want to say what would you like what are you? I'm in order Thai honey. What would away. You don't want to say what would you like? I'm going to order Thai, honey, what would you like? You don't say that. No, I just order it. And then it comes and then we don't have to worry about it. I do that with me.

We don't have to worry about it. They're probably worried that you ordered. It's funny. Do you know Joe List? Hilarious comedian. I don't know him. I know who he is. Yeah.

I love Joe List. Joe List is awesome. And so, and so Joe, we went to Mark Norman's bachelor party and there were like 15 dudes there and I said, you want me to grab dinner and everyone said, yeah. And I grabbed Thai food for everyone. I just ordered everything. I ordered everything I brought it in. I said, here's dinner. And Joe goes, you didn't ask me what I wanted. And I said, well, it doesn't

matter. It does there. And it mattered to Joe. Joe's like a lot like me and you, where he's a little more selective of what he wants to eat. He doesn't just want to go family style on whatever bird decided was dinner. Right. I get that. Yeah, and we got it was a you got a fight.

We got to do an argument. Yeah, like a heated argument because my thing was just say thank you and eat. And he was like, yeah, I don't want that. And I said, but it doesn't matter what you want. I got it. Just say thank you. Just say thank you. And he goes, I'm not gonna say thank you

for something I don't want, because you got me something I don't eat. He goes, I don't eat Thai food. And I said, should try it. And he was like, I'm not gonna try it at a bachelor party for the first time. And he goes, and so we got back and forth. And then we got-

A lot of this parts of the story, I don't really understand. No, yeah, and so well we got to an understanding that The did we get to an understanding or Joe Joe listen? I did okay And so he just is a very personicity eater and I Not and I'm not I do that for everything when I go out with my crew like when we're like tonight When we go to the we we'll go to their place. What about sex with your wife? What about it? I love to talk about this.

Nobody, like is she persnickety or does she just has to take whatever you give? She's a picky eater. I just love that. Don't do that. Don't do that. I'm giving it to you. Yeah.

You just take what I get. I learned, I learned, at latent life, to read her body. Like Caesar's, to read her body. To read her body. Like to read what she likes. If she wants something, so she knows now to go like an hour before to write shit on her body instructions.

Yeah. Don't touch this. Lower, lower, lower, right. Lower, right there. Read this. And do what you read no I didn't understand the whole I feel bad for everyone I had sex with before because I just was basically like I'll do that my thing like it's just uh

And so like ordering typhoon like ordering typhoon and then recently and I say recently And you're gonna get the fuck. Yeah, yeah. I've gotten better. I've gotten a lot better at reading her body and listening to her, the noises she makes that I'm sorry I had to be in the room for this Rachel. But yeah, is your Rachel your daughter?

No, Rachel's one of my favorite human beings alive. Right, Rachel helped me create something something's burning my cooking show. Okay. And then, so let me ask you something. So the reading her body and listening to the sound she's making is the sound ever know. Yes, yes, yes.

That's the sound. Yes, that's the sound that she doesn't like to. I burn that she doesn't like licking. Like I'm a liquor. I shouldn't like it. Anywhere. No shit, no, just over, just all over her body. She should have like licking in certain places. places like my eye don't lick my eye?

I'm a lick of a lick of neck No, but a knife like she doesn't want you to lick her eye Especially when it's open. No, I've never done that But like she's like I feel like you like licking I go I love looking she goes I don't I said, but that's my thing She goes yeah, I'm well aware of that and you tell you that I don't like it, because then I'm just covered in your saliva. Right. And it's like, spit smells, and now it's just all over me. And I was like, yeah, but I like that.

She was like, yeah, but I don't. So I had to learn. Okay. How about you, SX? What about it? Or like, how's your SX life? I have a really good SX life. Really?

Yes. I do. I do have a really good sex life. And then sometimes my wife will join me. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. And she's learned to read like the sounds and the noises

of what I like. Please! What do those sounds sound like? Please! Please! Right there! Right there! Right there! I like. Please. What do those sounds sound like? Please. Please. Right there. Right there. Right there.

Right there. Right there. Right there. Right there. Right there. Right there. Right there. Right there.

Right there. Right there. Right there. Right there. Right there. Right there. Right there. Right there.

Right there. Right there. Right there. Right there. Right there. Right there. Right there. I thought she was Armenian. Why would you think, but no, again, another, is she Jewish? Yes. And Blanche's Romanian. Is she really Romanian? Why would I, I knew it was an Indian in, I knew it was an Indian. Yeah, why would you lie about that? Her parents are, she was born in Canada.

She's a beautiful young lady. We've been married for 43 years. God, yeah. Do you ever think, do you ever think that, because one of the reasons I don't cheat is because I have not one of the reasons why I love my wife as the number one. It's hard to find a stranger that wants to be licked all over their body. I have probably I have a fear of disease like you know like I love. Yeah and so my wife

kind of knows that she's safe with me on the road because I'm so afraid of these that I would never cheat on her Because I don't want to put myself in that personal hell, right? Do you think your wife feels the same way about you? Have you ever licked somebody with psoriasis? No. No, I'm just wondering because before a lot of people have psoriasis And then they don't talk about it. I thought I had psoriasis today today. Yeah right before you joined me Yeah, why what what made you think I had a sticky thing on my stomach. Oh my God. I got out of my polar plunge and I was like, what is this?

You have a sticky thing on your stomach. And then, and then I was like, it's not disgusting. I'm gonna ignore it. No, but you know what? And then I'm gonna go talk to Howie about my sticky thing on my stomach. No, but I didn't know what it was.

And so I got out of this. I said, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna give it attention because that will blossom into it, and to me losing my mind. Well, it's blossoming in my mind It's so so I got out that sticky fucking stuff. I came downstairs at the end I was downstairs and then I was like, what's that and I went my fucking stomach and I said do not bring it up

It's not I don't know what it is and then she went is that a stick and I had a stick in my shirt And I went whoa and then the sticky thing was gone. I washed it off in the shower Wait, wait, wait. It's a stick. What is a stick? A stick is a piece of wood. Did you hear her say that, Rachel? I had like a little piece of hay or something.

You had hay. Or so, I don't know what it was. It was like, How do you get fucking hay in your shirt? No, I'd be up. And it sticks in your stomach and you found it in your polar plunge. I don't know.

It was a little piece of something. And I thought she was talking about that. Wait, but you had it in your shirt. It was in my shirt. You take a polar plunge in a shirt. No, no, no, no, I took the polar plunge, took a shower outside, threw on my jeans, grabbed my shirt, and drove over here with her shirtless.

And so, and then I put my shirt on right before you came in. When did you notice a sticky thing? Uh, out of the polar plunge. Are you saying something sticking or something that was like tacky and sticking? Tacky and sticking. What are you doing? I'm looking for it.

It's still there. No, I can't find it. So, but the way my brain works is if, say I find like a, say I see like a dark spot on my thing, if my brain thinks about it, I will spiral out of control about it. Dark spot on your thing. Like, like I have a mole on my calf.

One day I was in the sun and I saw the mole on my calf and I went, I went about it. Don't put a spot on your thing. Like, I have a mole on my calf. One day I was in the sun and I saw the mole on my calf and I went, I went, wow. Well, that's a mole on your calf. That doesn't bother me as much as the sticky shit on your stomach. Yeah. And it's from hay that got caught in your shirt. Do you have horses?

Do you have horses? No, I do not have horses. This is the thing. Where do you get fucking hay? I have no idea. She went in her phone. She went in her phone. Phone her now. Because it bothers me. Maybe have no idea. She won't answer a phone. She won't answer a phone. She won't answer a phone. Phone her now.

Because it bothers me. Maybe it isn't. Maybe, and why did you, your wife's diagnosis of why your stomach is sticky, is not enough for me. She didn't know that it was sticky. Only I knew that it was sticky. After you come out of the water,

if something's sticky because you have, hey, and you're, hey, two things. Hey, two things. Start right to the point. And you're. Hey, two things. Hey, two things. Start right to the point. How we, how we, I told how we about Sandy's dad's name. Yeah. And, and I, and I, yeah, and I said, and he said, she had any plus, he didn't only knew a Sandy's first name.

I said, he said, did you have any plastic surgery? And I said, no. And he goes, so no tip for tat. Oh, very good. Yeah. goes, so no tip for tat. Ah, very good. Yeah, right. Thank you. Thank you. He told me this great story. I'm worried about the Jews,

when they finally found water in the desert, oh, after 40 years of searching. Do you know what the first thing they did to it is? They went to the water. They were going to the homeland. They were going to Israel. They were going to privatize it. Nice. Smart. Smart. Didn't I say that they'd say that? They did to it. They went to the water. They were going to the homeland. They're going to Israel. Privatize it.

Nice. Smart. Smart. Didn't I say that they'd say that? That's smart. Not funny. Okay, last one. Last one. Today, when I walked into the house,

into this house, and you felt my stomach, and you go, what's that? That's success. Can you just say that success? When I walked into the house, this house. And there's a piece of straw like, like hey, where would your husband get, hey, cotton a shirt?

No clue. Doesn't that bother anybody but me? No, it doesn't bother me, but no idea. We live in the suburbs. This is the suburbs. You're in the suburbs. You're not on a fucking farm. Your husband has a piece of straw that creates a stickiness on his near his navel. I was telling him that when you did that, I went, you go, what's this? And I went, don't do that. Don't do that. I had stickiness on my stomach. And I thought it's all

the sudden you felt it. And then you said, no, it's a piece of straw. It's a piece of straw. It's a piece of straw. Yeah, I have never surprised by the shit I find in his clothing. I have no idea where anything comes from. Tell how he about the time that you found my toenails. Oh my God. I mean, this is pretty bad. I don't know if how we will.

I don't know. This may be a bad one. Let's, let's, let's, no, go ahead. I've already been in a sweat once today. Do you know what a pro lap stainless is? Dave, do you know what a pro lap stainless is? Yes, I do. And I don't want to see one. Thank you very much.

I know what it is, but I don't need to see it. Why do you know what it is? She followed all the way. Because it grew on a farm. It's good on a farm. Farm, they live in a farm. There's hay and pro lap stainless. No. Why in a farm? Why would a pro lap stainless happen on a farm. They grew up on a farm. Farm. They live in a farm. There's hay and pro-lapsed anuses. No.

Why in a farm? Why would a pro-lapsed anus happen on a farm? Cows. Tell them. E-I-E-I-O. Pro-lapsed uterus. Pro-lapses. What?

Pro-lapsed uterus, when you, when you, when a cow is calving, if they pushed you hard, they can sometimes push their uterus out with the calf. So it's a pro-lapsed uterus, and then you have to put it back in and then so their uterus shut, their vagina shut. You've done that? So don't heal. No, I haven't done it, but I've seen it. But on a human, can a uterus prolapse?

Yes, it can. And on a human, can a uterus prolapse and the nannis all at the same time? Like everything, you just empty the bags. That's more than I really want to know about. I don't know. Wow. That would be terrible.

Soft pitch, howie. You get a, you get a latex anus and you put it over your head and you blow with your nose and you pro laps an anus and it comes out of the top and you go, is this COVID really? Mm-hmm. You guys.

No, I got it. I'm thinking. We're talking about today. No, I haven't thinking. We're talking about. No, hey, what was what we're here? What was the last thing we were going to be? Why do we call her? Oh, toenails. Tell them about toenails. toenails.

Okay. So the leader first married, but moved into my apartment. I'm a very new. Is that when right? Was that close to the bad haircut or was that way after the bad haircut? You grew, you broke up This you're gonna lose her you're gonna lose her Tell me about a bad haircut. I know anything about bad haircut. I'll see you picture of it. I'll see you picture of it. Go ahead

Okay, so he moved into my place. I'm super tidy really clean I knew from looking at his place. He was a little bit of a slob or a lot of a slob I had to like reconcile that with myself before I let him before we move forward. I was good. I was cleaning the house one day and I found that he had trimmed his toenails, walked across the room to get my scotch tape and then peaked the toenails up with the scotch tape and then taped them to the underside of the coffee table. I was pretty sure I had found myself involved with a psychotic person. I don't know, it just seemed like it made sense at the time.

It didn't make sense. You walked all the way and got the, if you had just put them in your hand and put them in the garbage, that's the same amount of effort to get the Scotch tape. Why? Walk it all with the hat. What do you mean you don't know? You can't get up and tape it underneath. Why doesn't it bother you as much as it bothers her? It doesn't bother me at all.

I don't know why. No, but you say you're a little low-sea dish. Why would you like go through the effort, the effort of picking? I thought, first, right when you said tape, I thought that was great, because it would be hard to, once you clip your nails, your nails are gone, you can't pick up nails, would a great way to pick up nails with tape, that's like a, that's a life hack.

Yeah. And then once you've picked up all the nails with the tape, I think I did, I think that's how it started. And then I said, well, I have all these nails taped. I don't want to get back up. I just ran out of steam and I just stuck it under the up. I just ran out of steam, and I just stuck it under the table. I was like, we'll deal with that later.

Now it makes sense. Yeah, now it makes sense. So it's a life hack. Gone. Yeah. Well, so you saw the taped nails, yet you still went forward with the relationship. It was as if I got to the water after being in the desert

for 40 years. No, he's not talking to you. Oh, and she privatized your nails. I did. I totally did. Yes. All right. I love you. I'll talk to you later. She's amazing. She's great. She's great. She really is. She really great. She found nails under the table and stuck with you. She's paid. She found hay in your shirt from nowhere. There isn't hay within 30 miles of this home. Yep. And she stuck with you. She stuck with me That's a that's a keeper. Yeah, she is I think I'll get a pregnant

Not anymore Meta-poles Does she want you to say that? No, she doesn't mind. She wants it. She wants to bring awareness to Meta-poles She doesn't seem to she seems to have a good Siky sweats in the middle of the night really aggressively. Just pouring from it. Those are called hot flashes. Yes, your top flashes.

Like I had when you were talking about that. That's crazy that that was so visceral that like it literally hits you and went, oh yeah, it did. That was great. Is this good? Oh Tom wanted to, this is what Tom wanted us to talk about.

Okay. Where is Tom today? He's his ozemic ran out. And so he had to go to Canada to get more ozemic. Wait, is the diabetes drug to lose weight? He's using that? He's been using it for, you know, ever since he started losing weight.

Was he vaxed? No, he's a big anti-vaxxer. No, that's what I think. So a lot of the anti-vaxxers, I'm not gonna be political or anything. They're okay with taking ozempic, but not the vaccine. But the thing is that ozempic, the people at ozempic, the people who make ozempic are saying, it's not really qualified for this.

We are not covering this. This could be a problem. You'll jam that shit into your stomach. But you won't take the Vax. I'm trying to remind myself to say this is a joke, because if I don't, sometimes I leave it in, but yeah, no, Tom's a big anti-vaxxer, and he's on his own. Anyway, hang on, this is what Tom said. Okay? I love inappropriate behavior in public settings. I love someone out of line. Can you ask how he, if he has any Hollywood stories about the most inappropriate thing

he's ever witnessed in person? Well, we talked about the pro-lap stainless. It's gotta be a Hollywood story about most of us. Well, he's really into Hollywood. Like he wants to be like celebrity and stuff, so. I've been around for a long time. If I noticed anything inappropriate, do I have a story about somebody being inappropriate

or something? Oh, I got invited to, I got invited to Diana Ross's 75th birthday. Wow. Wow. How does she look? She looks great. I was an opening act. Oh, I knew that. I knew that.

I knew that. Yeah. When I was a kid, I did something called the Murf Griffin show. That was one of the first shows I did. And it was right when KISS was at the height of their... I remember that. I was in first grade. Yeah. So I got a call after I did Murerv Griffin. I got a call from Gene Simmons. I was, I almost cried. Hello, howie. Yes, who's this? He hates me. Why?

I had, I had an issue with him. He wasn't very nice to me when I met him. And then I talked about him on Rogan and then he blocked me. Wow. But we keep going. I'm still a kiss fan. OK, so he called me. Gene Simmons from fucking Kiss calls me,

and he goes, I saw you on the Mergriffin Show, me and my girlfriend were laughing our asses off. We think you're really funny. Will you be the opening act for my girlfriend? And I go, okay, who's your girlfriend? And you know, he lived with Diana Ross. No way. That was his fucking girlfriend.

Yes. Diana Ross is so beautiful. She is beautiful. He was on my podcast, he talked about this, but you know, the whole story is, and you can go to how he meant that stuff to find out, but he was living with share. He was living with share at the time,

and then he was going to New York. He had to go to New York to do something, and he wanted to buy share a nice gift for her birthday or for Christmas or something. I can't really remember. And but he goes, what do I, I don't even know how to shop for, how do you shop for fucking share? Yeah. And she said, well, my girlfriend will take you shopping.

Her girlfriend, her friend was Diana Ross. And they fell in love. Well, they fell in fuck. They fell in love. Yeah, I don't know. They, he cheated on share with Diana Ross. And that became his girlfriend. And then he saw me on TV and hired me to open up for Diana Ross.

Wow. Yeah. And that was a big break in my career. And so I went to her 75th birthday. What was the story? Oh yeah. So I went to her 75th birthday and then we went she was gonna do a concert We had to go across the street and somebody was dancing to her singing and they had a

Cain this really heavy cane and the guy slammed it on my wife's toe and broke her fucking toe my wife was sitting there crying and Was really so somebody a friend of ours said, you know, try this, this will take away the pain. And my wife smoked a lot of pot in the moment and got really, really high, like crazy high, so high that she got like paranoid and said, we gotta get the fuck outta here. Everybody's looking at me.

Nobody's looking at you. Diana Ross is singing. Nobody's looking at you, honey. Diana Ross is singing. And I had to, then she couldn't even stand up. Whatever this pot had, it was like crazy powerful. My wife couldn't stand up. She goes and so I'm carrying her through the crowd.

Through the crowd, I'm carrying her. I gotta get her out and Robin Thick, I know Robin. Well, Robin Thick, I don't think he even realizes this. He goes, I'm going on next, I'm singing a song. I'm gonna do something with the anoras. I'm gonna do child Robin Thick. What? The child?

Oh, Alan Thick was his dad. I'm an Alan Thick, I'm sorry. I keep going Robin Thick. The child? I thought they were both named Robin Thick was his dad. I'm an Alan Thick, I'm sorry, I keep going Robin Thick. Child? I thought they were both named Robin Thick. I forgot, and then I went, no, no, no, it's that's Alan Thick. Okay. Alan Thick gave me one of my first breaks too.

Alan Thick was a cool fucking dude. I met him on a plane, and he, and I was like, I geeked out a little bit. It was first class, sleeper beds, and I went, I gotta just say hi. I mean, I grew up watching you. And he was like, aww, well thank you very much. You went to camera, this is before cell phones were around. Like to take pictures. Would you like to get a picture?

I said, I want to be camera and he said, well let's add this phone. And he goes, hey, it was very nice meeting you. And I went, oh I fucking love that guy. He passed away, right? Yeah. Ah, fuck. All right, keep going.

So Robin thinks about the dance? Yeah. The fact that you bring up the fact that his father died kind of takes the steam out of a funny story. Sorry. Yeah, his father died. And this was just months after his father had passed. And I'm carrying my wife out of this party

passing this young man who had just lost his father, an icon, to the world, and I think that was all. Anyway, and he said, he looked as I was passing, he goes, I'm about to do something with Diana Ross. And I think just a light hit him right, because I can see that still he was still very emotional over the loss of his father. And my wife who was high on, I don't know what, just said, no, I got a piss. We're leaving To Robin Vick yeah right after his father died and he was about to get on stage

Is that awkward and uncomfortable Hollywood story? Well guys, that's what Tom wanted to end the show. Yeah, nothing says, and he went out there and he's saying knowing that he, he didn't have a father and my wife had no interest in hearing the song. Who's the guy with the cane that hit her in the foot? Was it? He died six months later. He's dead too. Everybody in this story is dead to me and all of us.

Thank you, Tom. It's a great suggestion. Good job, Tom. Great episode of Two Bears One Cave. How we thank you so much. Yeah, I mean, I mean, we ended here, but that's what Tom wanted. I love you, how we. I love you too. Bird, Tom, Tom and Bird. One goes top, swath we? I love you too. Bird time, time and bird. One goes top and swall the other, wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and birds the machine.

There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep the clean. Here's what we call, two bears one cave. No scripts to beat a booze amateur, for topology. Dirty jokes, ronti humor, no apologies. Here's what we call, two bears one cave.