2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Tom and Bert Made Their Dads FURIOUS | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: September 23, 2024

SPONSORS: Head to http://acorns.com/bears or download the Acorns app to start saving and investing for your future today! Get 20% Off + Free Shipping, with the code BEARS at https://Manscaped.com. Don’t miss out on all the action this week at DraftKings! Download the DraftKings app today! Sign-up using https://dkng.co/bears or through my promo code BEARS. Visit https://adamandeve.com with promo code BEARS. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://betterhelp.com/BEARS and get on your way to being your best self. Welcome back to 2 Bears, 1 Cave! This week, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer are back together to catch up and recap their recent trip to Las Vegas. Bert talks about chest tattoos and Tom asks him what he remembers from their bar takeover at Park MGM. Bert brings up his experiences as a new empty nester and dropping off his daughters at college for the first time. Tom recalls a story about an OD in college and the bears share stories about their dads reactions to some really wacky stuff they pulled during their college years. They also talk about LeeAnn's thoughts on magic, Matt Rife's insomnia, giant donuts, Bert's obsession with death, some history lessons, and a lot of food talk. Check it out! 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 255 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

100% Cheers. Welcome to another episode of Two Bears, One Cave. Real quick, this weekend I will be in Cleveland, Buffalo, and Toronto, Canada. Is this how we're starting the show now? Why not? I'm on the road. Okay.

I got good shows. Okay, then I'm in Las Vegas, September 27th and 28th at Resorts World Theater. I kind of like it, Tom. Well, yeah, I mean, that's this weekend, too. What's the point of having a podcast if we're not promoting our fucking tour dates. This is not that fucking crazy. Okay, keep going, keep going, keep going. We have shows this weekend and then the following weekend I'll be in Columbus, Detroit and Grand Rapids, Tom secure.com slash tour. What's the name of your tour? Come on

my stomach or something. It's come on my stomach. Loads of come. Yeah, yeah, I know I'm so sad because there's two comes in a row. I'm going to It's come on my stomach. Loads of cum. Loads of cum. Cum cum cum. Yeah. Cum. Yeah, I know. I'm so sad because there's two cums in a row. I'm going to have to not name the next one anything cum related. It's really sad. Ali Wong's got a new special and I love the name. What is it? Single Lady.

Is it out now? I don't know. I think it's out. I think it's out. I try to watch everyone's special. There's an Indian dude. You do. I cannot believe you do this. I think it's out. I think it's out. I try to watch everyone special. There's an Indian dude. I can not believe you do this. I have watched. I do it to make sure I'm not stepping on material or that someone's not doing like I always I always had the thing whenever I saw someone doing a joke similar to me. I just bailed on it. I was like I gotta write I gotta write better. What about when you saw somebody take their shirt off? I've seen that.

I know you have. Yeah, I don't know. It's you know, I don know. It doesn't bother me but it's curious to me that they would do it. It's clearly something that I have done for a while. A while. And it's so derivative but I understand. I remember Ari texted me and Ari said, dude I just did stand-upless. Like I had to text you and tell you I did it, but it was fucking exhilarating. It really is funny shit. Like it, I love it.

I'll never do stand up with my shirt on. Ever? Ever, I'll never will. What about like in your 60s? Well, luckily I'll probably still be jacked as fuck. That is very lucky. Yeah, I don't know. I start thinking, can I tell you the only thing,

you know that I'm obsessed with this, if I have to get that surgery? Yes. Then I'm worried, what if I have scars? What's wrong with that? I don't want scars, because I can't get, I got a tattoo, but I can't get a tattoo on my stomach or on my arms or on my chest,

because it would be distracting to see me shirtless, and then you'd just be like, oh, hey look, he's get a tattoo on my stomach or on my arms or on my chest because it would be distracting to see me shirtless And then you just be like oh Hey, look, he's got a tattoo. It's always weird when you see like an older dude with his shirt off and he's got tattoos Yeah, it's always like you're like oh that you got that on but the college the scar wouldn't be that big a deal I mean a lot of people have scar you look at it and then you're like, okay, that's the scar I mean unless you're gonna get like the full Open heart everything. Yeah. Yeah, that would be a little more alarm. Don't even talk about the surgery I don't even want to fucking talk about it. I mean, I'm not like you. I'm not like you. I'm not like you with what?

With the way where the world works where you go I should go see the dentist next week or hey, maybe I should I have I have something and it's an elective surgery I elect to get it. That's cool, I can't wait to go under the knife. Like you're just different. No, you and Christina are different than me and I'm just not, like I honestly think to myself about stuff, like I remember when I had molar problems

and they were like, you know, we're gonna have to break your jaw and I was like, well, maybe I'll just die first, maybe I can just die first. And I was like, maybe I'll just die first. Maybe I can just die first. Well, that's a really normal way of thinking. People have to, okay, I know that I'm crazy. I know that I'm crazy. But people have to think like me too.

I can't be the only one that thinks like this. Well, I think a lot of dudes, I think it's pretty well known and accepted that a lot of guys avoid, men more than women avoid doctors and doctors appointments. That's why a lot of guys, by the time they have something that's just completely destroying their body, it's like way too late, you know? Cause like they don't get, but you get physicals,

don't you get physicals? I get physicals every six months. That's more than most people. Yeah, but that's, I think that's, but it's just a cardiologist really. And so, but he does like full blood panel and then sonograms all my organs. Six months, every six months?

Yeah, every six months. And how's your- I stress about it. Is your health good? Yeah, it was, the last one was the best. The last physical I just got, got it like probably three months ago, four months ago, it was the best shape I've ever been in. Like every blood, everything was in the green. Where you like it's like you want optimal. Everything was in the green and and I had been partying and so I was like a

little nervous. I got to get blood work this week to get you know for my longevity shit and I'm fucking stressed because I was partying so hard in Vegas. Yeah that was fun though It was a blast dude. Vegas was so fucking fun. You were on one when we did the the first bar we went to I Didn't remember I didn't know I don't remember anything about that bar. Well, yeah, I mean you also you didn't remember Conversations we had in the parking, leaving the podcast we did with Dana.

Yeah, the conversation we had at the bar, you were bringing stuff up to me later, you were like, you know what we should do? And I was like, we already did that. And you were like, oh. I was going through an emotional upheaval. Yeah, you were going through it, yeah, yeah. I mean, you know.

Dude, I woke up this morning in this house and there's no one there. No one. There's no reason to get out of bed. There's nothing. Right, you're an empty nester. It's Leanne making coffee. Leanne making coffee and I'm sitting there going,

the fuck, I used to get out of bed to go see the girls, get them ready for school, say goodbye before, like I had a reason to get out of bed. This morning I girls, get them ready for school, say goodbye before, I had a reason to get out of bed. This morning I was like, nope. I was like, this is, I mean, do you know what I did last night? I got pizza for me and Leanne, pizza and I got meatballs because I'm keto.

You're hardcore keto. I'm hardcore keto. And so, and I bought three pizzas, just out of instinct. Yeah. You know? How many did you like, Leanne had two pieces. So we have three whole fucking pizzas left. We have three fucking pizzas left.

I didn't, and then I realized, Tom, oh, I'm buying, like I'm buying like a psycho. To buy food now, you, why would you ever get a jar, a big jar of pickles? I'll jar, a big jar of pickles? I'll never buy a big jar of pickles again because no one's gonna fucking eat them. I'm the only one that lives in that house that's gonna eat anything.

I'm nothing, like there's no reason to get a case like a 12 pack of Diet Coke. I'm the only one that drinks Diet Coke. There's all of a sudden everything's changed where it's like, I looked in our fridge today, it's empty, and then there's three pizzas. It's crazy, man. Yeah, that's gotta be a weird thing to adapt to, is it?

Now, are you scheduling, do you schedule, like, you know, trips to go visit them? Like, is that something you guys are doing? No, I don't think so. You're just gonna wait till they come home for break? Yeah, I mean I don't think my like I don't think my parents loved me that much when I went to college. Like I got real emotional dropping both girls off, cried for both girls. I don't even remember my dad going. Really? My buddy Jeff Hartley took a bus from Tampa to Tallahassee. His

parents didn't even drop him off at the bus station. Yeah. Parents didn't love kids the way they love them now. My parents took me. And then, yeah, I mean, I wasn't emotional about. I was like, yeah, this is fine. Goodbye. Really?

Not at all. I was not emotional at all. And no cell phone. So how often did you talk to your parents when you were in college? We would talk, I talked more to my dad than my mom, but I mean, it wasn't like a crazy event. Now I remember that I brought drugs for the ride up and I was getting high on the way up.

I was doing GHB the whole way up. And then I skipped freshman orientation, which every freshman went to, because I got high in my room and like blacked out. And then, yeah, I mean, a few months later I overdosed. So it was kind of timing makes sense, but. Wait, hold on, hold on. Yeah, that was pretty cool.

Wait, who was this Tom? How many different Toms have we had? A few, I guess, but. Wait, hold on, hold on. Yeah, that was pretty cool. Wait, who was this Tom? How many different Toms have we had? A few, I guess, but. Like if you could give, I've had one Burt. No, I've had, let me think. I have high school Burt, college Burt that bled into up until I met Leanne, and then three Burt's, we've had three Burt's.

Right. High school Burt, very serious. Very serious. Yeah, like I wanted to be cool. I wanted to be like, I wasn't that funny. I was funny, but I wasn't that, I was funny with my friends, but I wasn't, funny wasn't my, I didn't give a fuck about funny. I cared about pussy.

I didn't drink at all. In high school? I barely ever drank, I didn't like about funny. I cared about pussy. I didn't drink at all. In high school? I barely ever drank. I didn't like breaking the rules. Oh, I drank a lot in high school. So what were you like in high school? I mean, I liked, I mean, I partied every weekend. I smoked weed and drank every weekend.

I tried, I drank a few times, maybe 10 times, 20 times in high school, not a lot. I think I was way more insecure as a high school kid. I was way more confident. Oh no. I thought I was the coolest fucking guy in the world. I think that's a super insecure guy. And the guy that arrived in college was super insecure,

hence skipping freshman orientation to get high. So I think that was like a certain type of person that like you kind of shed some of that once you overdose. And you're so when you overdose, did you become a new Tom? Oh, definitely. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So what was the change? Because like when I went to college, I remember going like, I'm going to get a Grateful Dead poster. I'm going to listen to Jam Band music. I'm going to try smoking weed more. I'm going to mountain bike. I'm going to do, I Dead poster, I'm gonna listen to Jam Band music, I'm gonna try smoking weed more, I'm gonna mountain bike, I'm gonna do, I wanted to be outdoorsy, I wanted to rock climb, but we didn't have rocks.

And I wanted to be, and that's when I became funny, in college. I became much more confident in college, as just like a human being. Really? Yeah, capable, like, you know, I can do these things, I was applying myself more, I was super lazy in high school, I had a horrible GPA, I didn't try. I mean, I didn't even try. They would, teachers would

be like, you're not even trying. Like you got to go, like you have to, you know, we want you to do well and we think you're capable, but you're not even applying yourself at all. And I was just like, whatever. I don't give a shit. I just didn't care, you know. I didn't know how to apply myself. I think I had to learn some too. Oh, when they would say take notes, I would sit there and go, so what part do I write down? Like, do I write down everything you say?

Like, what parts don't I write down? And then I just get lost and go, fuck it, I'll just pretend like I'm writing stuff down. I never studied for a test. I don't ever remember studying for a test. In college? Ever, in my fucking life, ever. Never?

Ever, fucking ever. life. Ever. Never? Ever. Fucking ever. How did you pass anything? Uh, I would retain whatever information was said in class. Okay. But I didn't do well. I mean, like I just got C's my whole life. You got C's in college too? Yeah, I mean, I graduated.

I kinda graduated. That's right, you did take a long time. Yeah, it was a long time and then I didn't I didn't two teachers failed me Right when I was leaving like when I was great and I was rolling stone was written two teachers failed me They were writing teachers and they were pissed because I had got an offer of a book deal And they were fucking livid because they were writing teachers. Wasn't your wasn't your dad like hey What the fuck with you taking this long to graduate? uh

No, it was cheap to go to school at Florida State. It was like 50 bucks a class. But wasn't he like, hey, like, you know, you're my son, do something? No, we didn't. Really? No, no, no. We, I don't know if we had the best relationship when I was in college.

Yeah, because I've seen you guys, you guys are close. We're really close now. Yeah. I remember one time, this is good for anyone that thinks I cry too much. I remember one time my dad and I got into a fight. I remember this so vividly. It was back when you had calling cards.

And my girlfriend was like, we were doing long distance, but she was in like Boca and I was in Tallahassee or whatever. So I'd use calling cards to call her. I can't even remember how calling cards worked, but I remember I had a calling card. And so, I ran up a bill on the calling card, or maybe it was when I was in Europe. It was when I was in Europe, maybe,

and I came home after Russia, I came home, and I remember being in our laundry room, and my dad got the fucking bill bill and he was fucking livid. But as a kid I was like, I was like, what, calling Carter, how much could it be? It was like 3.99 a minute and I just ran up a fucking bill of like 300 bucks and my dad lost his shit and I got scared,

I got scared and I started to, and I started to cry, and he stopped and he went, don't you fucking cry. Don't you fucking suck those goddamn tears back up. If I fucking see you cry, I will lose my shit. And I was like, oh God, oh God, oh Tom, I was 22. I was 22. Yeah. I was 22. I was 22. I was 22.

I cried at like 19 one time, seeing him mad. I was so terrified. Where I had used his clubs to play golf and I didn't put them, they were in separate bags. So then he left to play golf. Oh my God. And some of his clubs were in separate bags. So then he left to play golf. Oh my God. And some of his clubs were in my bag. And when he got back, he was so fucking mad that I swear I was like, I cried.

I was so scared. And then he didn't say any of that shit, but then he looked at me like, yeah, you wouldn't have survived in the Marine Corps. And then walked away. Parenting was so different than it is today. That was so effective. When my dad lost his shit, that was so effective.

I remember one time telling him, this is how clueless of a kid I was. I was in college and for spring break, everyone was going to Aspen to go skiing and I didn't have any money. I mean, I had a job, always had a job, but I didn't have any money. And for spring break, everyone was going to Aspen to go skiing. And I didn't have any money. I mean, I had a job, I always had a job, but I didn't have any money.

And so I was like, yeah, I'm going. And I had my friend book the plane ticket for me. I was like, I'll pay you back. And I was like, yeah, get my ski passes. I'll pay you back. So everyone had gotten like, my buddy Hutch paid for everyone and he was like, all right, you guys just cover me, because Hutch had money.

But he had money because he worked really hard. He had this like door to door encyclopedia salesman guy. It was kind of like a Mennonite, but not. And so Hutch paid for everything. So I came home and I was like, yo dad, I'm going to Aspen next week. And he was like, what? I said for spring break.

And he goes, how the fuck are you going to afford that? And I was like, oh, I need you to give me like seven hundred dollars and he was like the fuck did you just say and I was like I need seven hundred dollars and he fucking in my bedroom in my bedroom lost his fucking shit do you know how hard it is to make seven hundred fucking dollars and you just come in you come into a house you don't even fucking live in anymore and you go, give me 700, how the fuck? And he's like, you're not going. And I was like, I, dad, you're not gonna like this.

Someone's already paid for all my shit. He was like, what the fuck? But it was so effective because when you yell, when I got yelled at by my dad, it like, it scared the shit out of me. Dude, I remember when we, when I went to college, my sister was in Boston in college and she, and he gave her an allowance like monthly. He gave her money to be in Boston.

And I was like, Oh cool. Like, um, let's talk about my allowance. allowance. And he was like, what? I was like, okay, you know, like Maria gets that allowance for Boston. So like, what, like what, what am I getting? He was like, you don't get anything. And I was like, what? He was like, you're a guy.

I was like, what do I do? He was like, get a job. I was like, but I'm full time in school, like your daughter. And he was like, yeah, you're different. I was like, okay. So I had a, I had a job the entire time I was in college. Like I worked, fucking I worked for a broker and then I got, I got a job at Granger. And then in summers when my sisters would be laying by the pool, I was selling knives door to door.

Like I had jobs all through college and he was like, right, cause you're a guy. Like you don't get it. And I was like, how about my little sister? He's like, yeah, she gets an allowance. I was like, oh, this is a cool fucking system. Who wants better sex and who wants to start having better sex immediately? Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item

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And I would take my friends shopping there and get them to give me cash. And so I just go in and Tom, I spent so much money at Amaco, they sent him a plaque. I was like. He was like. He was like, what the fuck? Dude, I remember one time. You're our P1 premium platinum AMCO fucking shopper.

Jesus Christ. One time, I wrote a check to someone. I don't know if it was one of my buddies. And you know what? At the bottom of the memo part, you could write what it was for. And I wrote, eatenin' Sweet Wet Pussy. Nice. And my dad, my dad was really good friends with the bank

that I, it was his bank, I had a checking account under him. And that came in and the woman read it and called my dad. And was like, your son, in the memo, read Eatin' Sweet Wet Hot Pussy. And I was like. That must have made him real happy That man that man deserves a fucking he deserves a fucking A statue he put up with so much shit. Do you know when I was an adult?

I was an adult you remember my beach house. We stayed at me. Yeah, it was me you and Charlie. Yeah, right he had my parents had a beach house in Clearwater, they owned with a couple other people, and with another person, another family. And I was probably 30. I was probably, it was actually, it was the trip we took, the trip we took, you guys left and I stayed another couple days.

Yeah. And I made a video, you can find this video online, of me filming the sunset. And I go, you guys, if you pay attention, right when it crests, you'll see a green flash grow up. I was like 32, Tom. I was 32 when I made this video. And you watch the sunset and you're waiting for it to do.

And as soon as it crests, and right as you're about to see The green flash I cut to me in the kitchen of that beach house in a speedo. I go. Oh You're coming up the moon's coming up and I'm in a speedo showing my ass and bending over and dancing My dad called me up. He goes he goes hey Did you shoot a fucking video at the beach house? And I went, yeah. And he goes, yeah, I just watched that with like fucking 10 people in my fucking office. He goes, what the fuck is wrong with you? He's like, you're a grownup.

He's like, you're a grownup, you have children. Has he seen any of your promos lately? No, he has not. No, he's not on Instagram. But I remember him being like, like, what the fuck? Yeah. And you're just like, I don't know dad, it's how I make money.

Uh huh. Now it's definitely a different generation of a guy for sure. It's so different. Have you ever yelled at your kids? Oh of course, I've heard you yell at your kids. Do you remember when they fucking, what did they do?

Did they color all over your fucking walls the day I was there? Ellis was doing like, he was painting shit in the, oh there's one from yesterday by the way, I'll tell you about it too. But he's painting in the kitchen, like on newspaper with all these paints. And then I'm like, I'm there alone just with the boys.

And then like he's gone. I'm like, where are you? He's like downstairs. And I walked downstairs and he had taken his hand on the wall the whole way downstairs around all the, and I'm like, what the fuck? Like I'd lose my shit. And he's like, don't yell. I'm a kid.

You can't talk to a kid. Like, just use a talking voice. And I'm like, what the fuck is her pain on the wall? So he was, but yesterday, yesterday I get home. He dragged his hand down the wall. All over. Like a serial killer. Like a serial killer. Just blood down the wall.

And I go, why did you do that? Why did you do that? He goes, sometimes my brain just says to do stuff. And I'm like, I go, yeah, okay. So that was cool. We'll just have, yeah, we'll paint the walls again. Yesterday I get home, he goes, I'm gonna tell you something and you can't get mad

and you can't punish me because I'm gonna tell you." I go, that's not how this fucking works. And he's like, no, I'm telling you now that you're going to be upset, but you can't punish me. I'm like, yeah, what? This is not at all how this works. I go, well, what is it? And he's like, I was dangling a trophy over the toilet. And it went in. What the fuck? Why would he dangle a trophy? Why would you do that? He was like, I don't know, but it went in there

and I tried to get it, but it's not working. So I go, so we need to have the toilet again taken apart. And he's like, I think so, I think so. I'm like, that's great. And then I forgot that. And so like all the rest of the day, he keeps coming into my bedroom to use the bag. I go, what are you doing?

He's like, member of the toilet. I can't use that one. So I'm gonna use yours. I was like, oh, right, that's right. So yeah, we have this agreement now that I can't. How do you keep that in that kid for the rest of his life? That's my thing. It's like we lost it in Isla for a period of time.

I remember, it's the reason I have such fond memories of Isla when, like you know when we were on vacation, or like any time, we went to Leanne's Lake House right before we took Isla to college, and we're all gonna go on an epic kayak journey. And I got my paddle board there, so I was like, cool. And Isla jumps in the water and swims over

on my paddle board, and she's 18. And I go, what are you doing? She goes, we're going to Tuzis. I said, you can't do Tuzis on a paddle board. And she goes, yeah, you can, big guy, we got this. And she just wanted to knock me off the paddleboard the whole time. And it was this, every time I'd stand up she'd go,

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, and it was making her laugh and it was making me laugh. And that is the little kid in her. And I love that. But how do you maintain that little kid in that? Like how do you always keep Ellis to be Ellis and not get jaded by fucking high school kids who are like, you know what I mean?

I don't know, man. I think you encourage it and you embrace it and you just, you let them know that you love it when they are the way they are. I don't know if you can do much more than that because there's a natural turn that we all make, right? Like at a certain age, you kind of, but it's nice that if you're a, whoever you are at home, I think you can be that, like I'm still a kid around my mom, you know? I still just try to upset her and you know, I belch at the table and I do, I just, I try to horrify her

because it made me laugh when I was seven and it still does at 45, you know? Yeah. I think now that we're talking about this, I think there was four Burt's. There was the Burt. I was the Burt that in like first grade only wore Speedos and knee-high moccasins and would only respond to the name Wild Boy. Wild Boy? Yeah, I remember the day that died. I remember the day it died and I was like, yo, I'm the only one wearing Speedos and knee-high moccasins.

Like, I gotta kinda conform a little bit. Like, I feel odd. My dad had already seen it. He'd always say, like, we'd go to the mall and he'd be like, you wanna put on some clothes? And I'd be like, no, this is what I wear. Yeah. And he was like, let's go. And I was like, it's a wild boy.

And he was like, can we? And I tried to change my name so many times. I remember the first time I tried to change my name, I changed it to Flash. And he was like, he was like, hey, come on, we're having dinner. We had fucking cordon bleu every fucking night. I don't know, my dad got a deal on cordon bleus.

And we had cordon, I can't, I cannot stand cordon bleu to this day because he got a deal on cordon blues. I can't stand cordon blue to this day because he got a deal on cordon blues. We had a freezer full of cordon blues and he goes, he goes, come on it's time for dinner. I was like, it's Flash and he goes, oh you changed your name to Flash and I was like, don't say it like that, you make it sound stupid. He's like, oh do I? Flash? Say Flash. And I was like, can you not say it? Let's keep Bert until you figure out how you can say flash right.

But then that kid died. That kid, that really fun first grade, playing second base, caught a fly ball, fly ball, bases loaded, caught a fly ball. Crowd, I'm playing for the Yankees, Teddy Church is standing next to me. I mean, I so vividly remember this. Denny Sullivan's our coach.

I catch the fly ball. I then take the fly ball, I spike it into the ground. I take my shirt off and I start dancing. And I got in the car with my dad and he was like, what the fuck is wrong with you? And I was like, I'm celebrating. And he was like, everyone scored. You lost the game. I was like, I didn't know, I didn't pay attention to that. I was like, dude he was like everyone scored you lost the game I was like, oh, I didn't know I didn't pay attention to that

I was like did the dancers good and he was like you he was like there's a thing about humility You can just catch the ball and then just like you don't have to do a victory dance and I was like, yeah, but The victory dance is the reason I'm here. I'm not here for the catching the ball I want we victory dance. Hey, by the way, you definitely haven't lost that. That's still part of who you are. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I think I've gotten more of my childhood back

the older I've gotten. That's good. I think that's fun. Yeah. Dude, I fucked up. You had to leave in Vegas, and we went by Best Friends, and we did another bar takeover,

which those bar takeovers are fun as fucking shit. They're super fun. They are so fun. And I was on one there and I almost got kicked out. I was so fucking high. Of our own bar takeover. I was going onto the casino floor, barking and just bringing people in.

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Anyway, there was a table full of black women eating dinner and I was barking to them and they came in and got a bunch of porosos and sodas and just left and went back to dinner. And they're like, and then they came back for their second round. That's hilarious. All right, let's talk about magic. Oh my God.

So I do a show at the Dolby at Park MGM, beautiful theater, And definitely the most state of the art setup that exists. I mean, that's where like Bruno Mars plays and Mariah Carey and like huge, huge acts. So their tech is like out of this world, man. So finished the show and earlier in the day, we had walked through the mall attached to the art, the crystal shops we were walking through. And there was a guy that one of the salespeople at one of the stores was like, Oh, did you know him? And I was like, I don't know him.

No. And he was like, I'm a, I'm a big fan. And he didn't tell me who he was. He was just like, I'm a big fan. I was like, and they're like, Oh no, he's famous. And then he just left and they didn't tell. And it was just kind of like, oh, okay. I don't know who he is, but nice. So then at the, after the show, we do a bar takeover at the park MGM at the sports book bar. And we're pouring drinks and, and, and, uh, you know, people are all over the place. And then I see the guy and he's dressed really nice.

And that's when I go, oh, hey, I saw you at the store. He goes, oh yeah, I didn't have a chance to tell you because I didn't wanna disturb you or anything, but yeah, I'm a magician. And then somebody else goes, he's not just like a magician. This dude is like a world class up close magician, like topped, and he has shows in Vegas,

and they're like, yeah, they sold out for like six months. Like he's top, top tier. And I was like, oh that's all. Do you remember his name? I don't remember his name. I'll have to say. I'm sure I can find it. But I go, oh, that's cool.

And then, you know, he's just very nice and we just, you know, kind of say hello. And then a moment later, Sean, who I work with goes, hey, do you wanna see that guy do like magic? Like up for you right now up close? And I go, sure. Like we're in this like kind of

Sectioned off area of this place. I go. Yeah, I mean if does he want to I didn't want to like Ask him to do that and they're like, no, he said he would and we're like, okay So he he's like come down here. We sit down on a couch like this and he's I go, you know He's like, yeah, you know a couple other people join us and then somebody grabs you and you go, we got to, we got to go get Lee Ann. She has to see, you don't understand how she is around magic. And I think you're just doing your typical Burt stuff of like, oh, the I'm like, yeah, okay, dude, this guy starts doing, uh,

card tricks, right? And he's doing that shit where you're like, what the fuck, right? Where it's like, hey, write your name down in marker on this card. And then he shuffles a bunch of stuff, you can't find it. And he's like, have you looked under your hat? And then it's under, you're like,

what the fuck is going on, right? Like that. And when Le Ann gets there, she writes something down on the marker or with a marker on the card. He starts doing that. And she's like, yeah, but what's under your sleeve? And he's like, what? No, stop right there. Stop right there. But I want to see the card flip them over all over. I want to see all those cards again. Show me that. And we're like, what are you doing? She's like, well, it's a trick. He's just doing a trick. We're like, yeah,

he's not an actual wizard. He's a fucking illusionist. This is all illusion. She's like, well, I got some theories about this. And we're like, Tom goes, we didn't think he was actually magically. Did you think we were a bunch of peasants going like, oh, I've got to re-question everything in my life. This guy's magic. I don't think he's summoning spirits.

He's just a talented illusionist. And she's like, well, I don't know about any of this. I got some theories. And we're like, what the fuck? Tommy, it's called a magic trick. It's a trick. I know it's a trick. No shit, Leann.

And then he does this fucking thing where, oh my god, it was like, it was like her car, someone signed a card, and then he does his whole thing and he's like, well, Tom, maybe you could check under your watch? Yeah. And then I had a watch on and a card was under my watch that I unfolded and it was the sign. And I was just like, I go, this is incredible.

And Leanne was like, yeah, I guess that's pretty good. No, you know what she said? She goes, she goes, he must have put it there earlier. Well, yeah, of course he did. Like no shit Leanne. Yeah. But we didn't see that. We didn't notice.

No one saw that. Yeah. And then I, you know then I put something together, obviously later on, which was he obviously had done that and he kept going, all right, Tom, like, hold your hands out like this, like palms up. And it was obviously to keep me from noticing that. But at the time you're just like, oh, okay. So I'm like holding my hands this way, right This way, right? And you know, you, you put it together later, but yeah, he was, he was fantastic. But Leeann was like, like they had pulled someone from Papa New Guinea out of the fucking, out of the village and was like,

here is a man from the cave that will now heal all of your, she was like, I don't know about any of this shit and I don't like it. I don't like spirits and summons. She was out of control with this. It was, I was almost shocked that she ever believed in religion ever. The way she's trying to, she was so analytical about it. Yeah.

And I was like, I was like, honey, and then even the next day we're at the, we're at Lee's Liquors. Yeah. And we're analytical about it. And I was like, I was like, honey, and then even the next day we're at Lee's Liquors and we're talking about this. She goes, yeah, I ain't fooling, falling for no trick. And we're like, it's not, it doesn't show, it's not a display of your intelligence if you like magic. Yeah, yeah, it's just, it's fun, it's entertainment. It's just entertainment.

She goes, not for me. I mean, you should take her to the opposite. She has the opposite. How does she respond at the movies? does she go? Well, there's fucking lights and cameras there I don't know if any this is really happening. No, she she tells you exactly she goes well, he's dead He's been dead this whole time and you're like wait what and you're like, yeah You got shot by the guy at the beginning of the movie. That's he's been dead That's why look they ain't talking and you're like, hey, I was enjoying this. You kind of just ruined this.

She goes, why, I'm not gonna sit, I can't watch this shit. Somebody must have done a trick on her when she was younger and it just fucking really stuck with her, man. It is, yeah, she, man, she was so, and then, you know, me and him and Leanne went out that night Oh, he did. Oh, yeah, we went out partying and she was like and she would not let it go He's like, you know, you should come to my show tomorrow She goes I want to see you and I was like, what are you doing? She's like you don't do more tricks

He's like I like when guys like you when people like you come to my show and she goes I ain't sitting through that She wants you go make a drink appear for us? I mean, she was like, and I was like, why aren't you just a little nicer to him? She's like, he thinks he's magic, he ain't. I mean, it's amazing. I would love to go to an actual full show with her, like to sit down and watch her for that whole show. 100 fucking percent.

And that would be great if you made her disappear. He was like, you know what, enough of you. And then she was like, wait, what happened? So the whole time, at any reveal of the illusion, she immediately is like, well, you must have done that when we weren't looking. And it's like, yeah, that's the fucking trick. That's the trick, Leigh Ann.

That's the entire trick. And you didn't notice. That's the trick. It makes me uncomfortable. Like, it makes me uncomfortable. Oh, I got uncomfortable with the way she was reacting to it in the moment. I was horribly uncomfortable.

I was like, this is borderline rude. She does that with everything. She's like a bullshit radar gun where like, if someone's telling a story, mostly it's me and I fudge the details a little bit, she goes, that didn't happen. I go, stop, I'm making it entertaining. We're having a boring night at your fucking friend's house

and I'm telling a good story, I'm just making it a little better. She goes, yeah, but it wasn't $20, it was $19. Let's get the facts right. And you're like, you know, it's like the, you know the Whitney Houston story. The Whitney Houston story. When George broke her teeth.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yes. So there's two ways to tell a story. You can wait for the reveal to be at the end, right? Where this, I've got a great story. It's a true story, but it's wildly interesting. George breaks her teeth. We have taken her high end dentists. They have to put her under. If you've, if you've never heard this story, I apologize. I'm not going to tell the whole story. But when I started crying,

we go into the waiting room, there's this black chick. She's staring at me the whole time trying to calm me down, but I'm not having it. We go back to receive Georgia, go into the back, black chick comes in, walks into our room kind of odd. and it turns out it's Whitney Houston. So it's a good story when you tell it, when you take your time with it, it's a great fucking story. So the reveal is the black chick was Whitney Houston, right?

That's the reveal. And it's true story, she sat with us for like five minutes with me, Leanne and George, and we talked about being parents, and it was beautiful. And then she paid for the anesthesia that we didn't have money to afford that shit It was it's great story This is how Leanne tells story the black chicks Whitney Houston She was right right when you started right at the beginning

Oh right when I go and then we walk into the waiting room and there's this black chick and she goes It's Whitney Houston. I go stop. No, you're you're giving the reveal away. She goes, but I wasn't stupid I knew it was Whitney Houston. I go no, okay doesn't matter because I'm telling the story and I didn't stop, no, you're giving the reveal away. And she goes, but I wasn't stupid. I knew it was Whitney Houston. I go, no, okay, doesn't matter, because I'm telling the story and I didn't know it was Whitney Houston, okay? I didn't know it was Whitney Houston. She goes, how could you not know it's Whitney Houston?

I go, you're ruining the fucking story. The story is the payoff. That's the fun part of a story is the fucking moment, the ta-da moment at the end. She goes, yeah, but we was in a waiting room with her. She had her bodyguard with her. How did you not? And I'm like, can...

Well, you realize that one of you tells stories for a living, right? Yes. Okay, so. Oh my God. And that was just me and her, Tom. Yeah. No kids.

Right. Just me and the truth. Why don't you just start doing unannounced visits to both girls? Oh, they would love that. Just show up, bring treats. You know. I texted Isla this morning I said hey how you like in school? She said right back I'm on my period. I was like cool the fuck. Yeah I don't know. Georgia just said for the first time I'm allowed to wear her college's clothes. So we went to Eyeless. Because both the girls don't want anyone to know where they go to school,

so they want their privacy. You'd be shocked how much people care about fucking anonymity and being just regular people. Oh, so no one, people don't know? People don't, I mean, I'm sure people, you know how the internet is, but for the most part, I've never really talked about it. I've told everyone Georgia goes to Yale, so everyone thinks she does. I told everyone I was going to Harvard, they're clearly not.

And, but I've never been allowed to wear Georgia's college gear. And then we went to drop off Isla, and I was, she could see that I was very bummed that I couldn't buy any of the stuff because as a dad that's like the coolest fucking thing is like my dad didn't go to Florida State but when I went to Florida State my dad rocked Florida State gear all the time he called me about the games and it was like and he was just you're proud of your kid and

I'm really proud of them and I want wanna rock sweatshirts and I love, I mean one of my favorite things when we're on tour at those arenas is to get the workout shorts, those mesh workout shorts. I love those workout shorts, those basketball. And Georgia saw how bummed I was that Isla wasn't letting me buy any of the gear. She didn't want me to have any of the gear

so that if I ever take a picture of someone and they see it, they're like, oh, that's where this kid goes to school. Ah And then Georgia came up to me and she goes hey, I'm sorry, I never let you wear our gear I was like, it's okay. I was like, it's important to you. It's important to me She goes you can start wearing our gear and I was like for real she goes Yeah, just wear a lot of college gear like what like I know you have a college. Yeah, like rotate it. Don't Like fucking Notre Dame shit's so cool.

Yeah, that's cool. Do you know, can I tell you something wild? I just found out that Matt Reif's, I don't know the right way to say it, but he had like a breakdown, you know? Where he had to be like, he had to stop his tours to hospitalize. Did you know it was from insomnia? I know he doesn't, he told me he doesn't sleep

very much at all. And then he was touring real crazy. So like an exhaustion type of thing, you know, it makes sense. Yeah. He sleeps like three or four hours a night, every night. What the fuck? I don't know.

That sounds horrible. Absolutely horrible. And he doesn't party. He's not doing drugs, so it's just real insomnia. I guess so. I mean, for me it's like the baseline of whether I'm gonna have a good day is just all about sleep. So I can't imagine operating regularly on three and four hours sleep. I just can't imagine it. on three and four hours sleep. I just can't imagine it. So is insomnia, and I apologize to anyone as insomnia is listening, is like,

because people get really personal about their things. And so I'm sorry that I don't know anything about it. But is it anxiety? Well, I mean, there's different things that cause insomnia and people have dealt with it differently, but overall it's just this kind of inability to naturally fall asleep. There can be different reasons.

Is it like erectile dysfunction, where it's like you get in your head about it and then you can't get your dick hard because you're in your head about it? I think that's a pretty good analogy. Yeah, I mean, they just can't fall asleep. Some people like just try everything and black out the room and sleep mass and meditate and obviously medication, but some people just really struggle with it. Some people it's way more

mental and emotional and some people have like chemical irregularities in their mind that cause it, but I don't know what the know what the root cause of his is. That's wild. Yeah, I listened to, I saw him, he came up, it's amazing what comes up on your, like not on Instagram search, the discovery page, but on YouTube. That fucking blows me away what YouTube selects for me,

because I had to change my algorithm entirely so that I didn't want comedy in there. I just didn't, I wanted to learn stuff. And I wanted to talk to you about the history podcast, but what's crazy is like, I came up, it was a Matt Rife interview, and I was gonna flip through it, because I don't like watching comedy interviews on YouTube,

but it was like, they talked about his insomnia, and then he fucking lives in Rhode Island. Matt does? He lives in fucking Rhode Island. Really? Yeah, he doesn't live in LA, doesn't live in Austin, doesn't live, just, he lives in Rhode Island. He has a place in LA and a place in Austin.

I'm sure he's got places everywhere, but his home is Rhode Island. I had no idea. In that fucking wild? No idea, yeah. All right, but his home is Rhode Island. I had no idea in that fucking wild no idea Yeah, all right, so let's talk about this. I think I stopped listening to history podcasts Yeah, I mean you keep bringing up every time I see you and talk to you that you are Consumed by thoughts about death. Yeah, you wake up thinking about death and you go to bed But you also took it further

and said that what you really think about is that you don't want the world to continue after you die and that you would gladly push a button that ended the world if you knew you were about to die, which is a really cool thing. So like, did you wake up today thinking about death? Oh, so bad, so bad. So bad.

I'm listening to a podcast about the Northwest Passage to Asia from England. And it's everyone that tried to get, they tried to get basically through like, through above Canada and then above through the Arctic Circle to get to Asia they were looking for a shorter route to Asia but just everyone fucking died I mean these one dudes ate undercooked polar bear and they all got trichinosis and their teeth fell out and

their stomach their loins hurt and and then everyone just, everyone died, and then they were cannibals, and it's like, and every story you hear, every story you hear, they're like, and then he died, you know, and then da da da da da, he died. You listen to, who's the guy that married a Pocahontas? Not James Madison, is it, what? No, is it John Smith?

But they talked about the whole establishment of Jamestown and everyone just died and then no one ever lives. No one ever lives. And so I think I'm hearing that so much that I just get consumed with death. And I was like, but I don't have anything fun to listen to. Like I can't listen to a pot comedy podcast To fall asleep because if it's good I get involved in it and if it's bad it frustrates me

So do you watch do you like true crime stuff though or no? No, no not if there's murder in it you don't think I can't I can't even watch there's a new movie called it's on Netflix it's called something like Renegade Hill or something. And I can't even watch those, cause they make me nervous. So I end up fast forwarding through it, cause it makes me nervous, cause it's about this guy

who gets fucked with by the cops, and then he goes and takes on the cops, and it's like Black Rambo is what it is. It really is black Rambo. And I can't watch it, it makes me nervous. I have nothing that relaxes me to watch. You gotta find something. You gotta find something.

Maybe reading will do it. Would you read? No, nevermind. Do you, yeah, but what about, cause like Christina always comments to me she's like jesus You fucking go to bed every night watching some type of killing, you know, so i'm either watching true crime Biography stuff about like some horrific crime or i'm watching scripted

You know thrillers murder mysteries things like that or I'm watching scripted thrillers, murder mysteries, things like that. And I'm like, yeah, but I mean, I don't wanna watch a rom-com, I don't wanna watch a comedy, most of them are horrible. There's exceptions that are good, but most of the time,

that stuff is more stimulating to the mind to watch. So, but she's flabbergasted by it. She watches like Period pieces only like, you know British royalty all that type of stuff But maybe that would do maybe you would enjoy that because it's kind of history and it's less death involved You know like the crown. Did you ever watch that? I watched the crown. That was fucking awesome So there's but there's a bunch of like I like foreign language cooking shows If that does it for you, then why don't you just I can't fall asleep to them because I I want to see them It's fucking awesome. But there's a bunch of like, period pieces. I like foreign language cooking shows.

If that does it for you, then why don't you just? But I can't fall asleep to them because I wanna see them. Like I tell you what I love. You know what I love? I would love a Spanish speaking podcast, I bet. Because when we were getting our, when we lived back in the smaller house.

Do you have acid reflux today? No, I don't know what's going on with me. I'm just coughing a lot, yeah. No, but you're clearing, you're not just, you're like, you're like, you have, you don't have something going on? No. No?

Why do you notice stuff like that? I mean, it's just, you've done it a lot, and you also mentioned when we were in Vegas that after you got back to your room, after getting absolutely hammered, that you ate a dozen donuts. So I was just wondering if that carried on to this week. Are we telling all our secrets?

I didn't know that was a secret, hardcore keto guy. I just thought that maybe something is coming up. No, I couldn't, the day I dropped off, the day I dropped off Isla, the last day, the last day we're catching our flight to Vegas, and I get a text at six in the morning, and it says, will you get me donuts? And I started fucking bawling, I was bawling.

And I was like, this is my last duty as a dad. Like this is like my swan song, is like I always got the girls donuts. And I got up, I got out of bed, and I was like, let's go get fucking donuts. And I was crying the girls donuts and I was and I got up I was like got out of bed and I was like let's go get fucking donuts and I was like and I was crying the whole ride to get donuts and then I bought I bought four dozen donuts oh my god because I couldn't first of all this fucking dumb who I know we're not allowed to say but but I go can I get a dozen donuts and she goes sure and she gives me a dozen of the exact same strawberry sprinkle donuts and I go well go can I get a dozen doughnuts and she goes sure and she gives me a dozen of the exact same

Strawberry sprinkle doughnuts and I go. Well, no, can I get like an assortment? She goes on what it was an assortment I go you work at Dunkin Donuts How do you not want to know where the word assortment yet and I go different doughnuts and she goes Oh, you don't like these I go. No, those are great They're great mix it up. I said, can I get another dozen donuts? And can this time, can you throw like different ones in there? And she starts with the strawberry sprinkles.

And I go, okay, cool. We've covered the strawberry sprinkles. So then now I barely have an assortment. So I go, can I get another dozen donuts? And then give me everything you haven't given me yet. Do you know what she does, Tom? I swear to God. She goes to the first box and starts moving strawberry

sprinkles into the new box. I'm like, are you trying to move strawberry sprinkles or something? Like what is the strawberry sprinkle thing? And then, and so I had to get four dozen because she never even gave me an assortment. So you brought home four dozen donuts. Isla was like, dad, I can't take these into the dorm.

She's like, I'm gonna look like a fucking lunatic. They're gonna think I have an eating disorder. And she's like, I don't know anyone there. And I'm walking down the hall with four dozen donuts and a fucking tub of coffee. I was like, make friends. I was like, go door to door and just give girls donuts. She was like, dad, and she was so frustrated with me. I cried the whole time getting donuts.

Then we get to Vegas at the Park MGM. The fucking Park MGM is so fucking great. Do you know what they did, Tom? They took, they have pictures all in their rooms, pictures of Vegas or whatever, or Frank Sinatra. They changed them out with pictures of my family, of me and the girls. They put pictures of me and the girls in every frame,

and then they gave me a dozen donuts. And I got hammered with you, and I came in, and I saw the pictures, and I saw the donuts, and I was like I got hammered with you and I came in and I saw the pictures and I saw the donuts and I was like fucking donuts man and I fucking worked a dozen donuts crying. Wow. Wow. But I am keto so I only ate the tops. Yeah that's how keto works. That's good. Yeah, you should run that by a nutritionist. I just eat the tops of the icing. It's less calories.

Yeah, totally less. You're fine. I remember when we were doing the fat shaming thing. I remember one time, I was in Chicago, O'Hare, and I went to McDonald's. And it was right when I was getting fat shamed the most. And I went to McDonald's, and my order was like, I think it's usually eight cheeseburgers,

Big Mac, and a large fry. That's your regular order? It was back then. But what I'd do is I'd taco the cheeseburgers. So I'd take the bottom bun off, all the businesses on the top bun, the cheese, the pickles, the ketchup, and I'd taco the cheeseburgers. So I'd take the bottom bun off, all the businesses on the top bun, the cheese, the pickles, the ketchup, and I'd taco them.

And I'm tacoing eight cheeseburgers, but people are looking at me. You know what I mean? Yeah! So I'm drunk, I got a backpack on, and I got fucking eight cheeseburgers, I'm standing. So I went over to an old phone booth. It was like, it used to be a phone booth.

And I hid, I backed, I put my face, like I was making a phone call, and I just ate in privacy in this old phone booth. And as I turn around, there's a fan there, and he goes, wow. I'm like, yeah, I know. This is how this happens. Holy shit.

Yeah, man. Yeah, it's funny, because if you eat in private, then it doesn't count. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. If nobody sees you, what you're eating, and then it doesn't really count that you ate it. Well, it's all in your head anyway.

Like I feel, if I work out, I feel skinny. If I don't work out, I feel fat. When I was at my fattest after a workout, I'd feel skinny as shit. And I'd be like, but if I don't work out at all, I feel fat. And have you ever woken up and you eat like shit before you go to bed, you wake up and you go,

I feel like shit. But if you get so drunk you don't remember eating at night, you wake up going, I didn't eat last night, I feel fucking good. Yeah. And then if you eat a Xanax, then you sleep longer and then you wake up skinny, you haven't eaten. Dude, that is the fucking move. That's the best way to jumpstart a diet.

Is Xanax an ambient? If you can tic tac those, start it on a Saturday night. Don't go out Saturday night, take a Xanax at 4 p.m., have a cocktail with it, go to bed, wake up Sunday morning, first thing you do, take an Ambien, go right back to bed, sleep all day long. That evening when you wake up, open a bottle of wine, get a vodka, soda, have a couple cocktails,

all of that's gonna kick back in your system. You wake up Monday morning in a 5,000 calorie deficit, skinny as fuck. And that's how you start a diet Yeah, you jump start a diet. That's all about the jump starts the important part. How's your diet now? Is it good? I haven't eaten today. That's good. Yeah, but I'm I eat meatballs and burrata cheese last night. Okay, I Ate really good at best friends I just had steak I stay away

from I do stay away from bread primarily and pasta and rice okay and I just try to eat lean but like I'd fucking I eat an avocado a day home I don't know if that's good enough but I eat an avocado a day that's good but I'm eating a lot of red meat okay I don't know do you and fish? I'll eat rotisserie chicken. Okay. You don't like seafood? You like fish? I do. It's just it's hard. It's like I eat a lot of out and so I don't trust a lot of fish out. And if I go to a steakhouse I want a ribeye. I don't want salmon. I'm like who the fuck gets salmon? Yeah. Yeah. I don't really eat a lot of fish now that you say that. I can't eat sushi because it's rice.

I swear to God, if I have a, like I went to, I was telling you this, I went to Philip Lee's Yamakusi, whatever it's called. Yaksa- Sushi by scratch? No, no, no. Oh, you had omakase. Yeah, yeah.

And it wasn't even that, it was like 15 pieces of sushi, but I left and my stomach felt like it was huge. I actually, my belt was tight when I left. They have a good, well the thing is they have a pacing to it. I left and my stomach felt like it was huge. I actually, my belt was tight when I left. I was like. Well the thing is they have a pacing to it. So in the pacing, your digestion is kind of keeping up a little bit, it's a little more realistic what your capacity is because they're not like,

here's all at once, it's like peace. Couple of minutes, you know, a minute or two, peace. And so. You eat often. Yeah, I'm eating, let me see, I'm eating probably one, two, three, four, five, six, six times a day, six, six, seven times a day. What?

Yeah. Yeah, I got up this morning and I was like, I'm not fucking eating, you're a fat fuck, you don't deserve food. Good, that's a good way to talk to yourself. Yeah, dude, I talk to myself like I really hate me. I am burping a lot now that you say that. Yeah.

I talk to myself like I fucking hate me sometimes, especially if I was drinking the night before and I wake up going, you fucking, you're such a stupid fuck. Did you drink a lot last night? Yeah. We went wake surfing. Yeah.

Remember I told you I was going wake surfing with Austin Keene? It was fucking so fun. But then we're wake surfing, I'm feeling healthy, and then they throw me a beer on the wakeboard and then I kill it and I fell. I killed it but then I fell at the end. So I ended up killing three beers doing wake surfing

and then the gloves were off. We were flying home, I was like cocktails onurfing and then the gloves were off. We were flying home I was like cocktails on the plane and then came home Cocktails Lando put a bottle of white wine when we got home I was like cocktails and then passed out watching Wyatt Earp documentary Uh-huh and woke up in the middle of night and I was like I could fuck up meatballs And I was like it was like midnight. I was like no, I'll take my cholesterol medicine and go back to sleep And so that I listened to the Northwest Passage.

OK, this is a fucking crazy person's story that you just told. But then I woke up. Then I woke up, and I was like, you fucking piece of shit. All this is connected. You know that, right? If you don't have the first half of the story, you don't wake up going you fucking piece of shit

Like just you know die and no one's gonna fucking remember you. Yeah, no one gives a fuck I think it's time for a little reset. Maybe a little you know I Decided to quit drinking today. Oh Yeah for how long I don't know definitely until Thursday. That's a long time. Yeah, well No, it's Wednesday. I think right now or Tuesday. It's Tuesday long time. Yeah, well, no, it's Wednesday I think right now, or Tuesday. It's Tuesday right now. But I ran four miles. Yeah.

I ran four miles this morning. Okay. Good, like real nice. And still no food. No food, cup of coffee, no food, diet Mountain Dew. I've had two waters. Yeah, I water picked my teeth real good till they bled this morning. Dude.

I just hate me sometimes. Fucking A man. You're fucking lunatic. So I don't know, maybe I'll have something to eat today. I bet they got food downstairs. Yeah, it's a good idea. I think you should eat something today. Okay, what are you gonna eat? What are you gonna eat? Let me guess, a piece of chicken. I have it's a good idea. I think you should eat something today. Eat something. Okay, what are you gonna eat?

What are you gonna eat? Let me guess, a piece of chicken. I have it with me. What do you have? What are you gonna have? I have chicken breast. I have a little medley of vegetables, greens mixed in there, some avocado.

I'm just gonna, I ate some, I'm gonna have some more. Oh, it's also got some sliced pear in it. So it's like some fruit in there too. I can't do that. I can't do fruit. And then- Now I'm getting fucking hungry. And then I'm gonna have a little bit of almond butter

and another banana, like in about an hour. And then, yeah, and then dinner, I'll probably have like sea bass and some greens. But I'll have like a- Really? I'll have a pound of sea bass. Really? Yeah. Sea bass is so good. Do you make it yourself?

I love it, yeah. How do you do it in the oven? Yeah, sometimes, I mean, I mix it up. Sometimes in the oven, you could do it on a grill, you can do it in a pan. I use sometimes olive oil. I like it simple too, salt and pepper. Salt and pepper, salt and pepper.

Oh, I'm gonna have fucking sea bass today. I'm gonna go buy a sea bass. That's good for you. I'm gonna go buy a sea bass, I'm gonna make a sea bass. That's what I'll do. Eat a ton of it. You can handle it, it's good sea bass. I'm gonna go buy a sea bass. I'm gonna go make a sea bass. That's what I'll do. Eat a ton of it. You can handle it.

It's good for you. I will. I'm gonna fucking fuck up sea bass. There you go. How much water are you drinking today? Well, I try to drink at least four liters, but I'm definitely behind today. So I'll...

Four liters. All right. I had five of these in the middle of the night last night. In the middle of the night? Yeah, when I got up and I was like, I'm just gonna murder fucking water. Well, that's two and a half liters in the middle of the night.

How many liters do you drink? I try to drink four to five a day, but not in the middle of the night. Okay, what's going on here? Okay. Then I'm done. That's half a liter. That's good.

That's it? Yeah. That's half a liter right there. Thought that was like a liter. It's literally almost exactly half a one. Yeah. 16.9 ounces. Yeah.

19 ounces. 16.9 ounces. 19 ounces. 16.9, I have the same one, they're not different. No, they're different. This is 16.9, you just don't have your glasses on. Okay, all right. I'm gonna go eat, I gotta go eat. All right, I'm gonna go pee, I love you.

I love you too. Eat something healthy. It was great spending time with you in Vegas. When is our next party? Well, we already did Orlando. Motherfucker. Yeah, it was a good time. We'll announce another one soon though.

I think we're gonna announce a very fun one for December. I think that I know which one you're talking about. I think it's gonna be very fun. That'll be pretty crazy. Yeah. We'll have to get you like primed and ready so that you can be full Burt on that. Let's get you some more water. Yeah I'm gonna water up today. Okay good good. All right Steve Ass and water I love you Tommy. I love you too. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes to the top and swallows the other wears the shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call, Two Bears One Cave.