2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - What Kind of Car is Your Wife? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 213

Episode Date: November 27, 2023

Welcome back to another episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave. This week, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer discuss the subtle art of beard dyeing, grooming near the groin, midlife crisis energy and much more! Plus, Bert shares some sober realizations he's had recently while being "California sober", and reveals to Tom how he's felt being a little bit lighter. The Bears also debate what type of car their wives are, the greatness of Michael Jordan, gorgeous football players, and discuss why being present is so satisfying.https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://www.bertbertbert.com/tourhttps://store.ymhstudios.com/

This week on Two Bears One Cave. And the best is when you break someone's spirit. Yeah, that's true. Well, you know, I was cracking toilet seats left and right. Where cracking the seats? I just learned too hard on this. Leanne's gonna hear this and be like, and be living with me.

100%. I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, It's always fun when it's the show you tuned in for. With me, not as always, but I'm always happy to see him. One of the only celebrities that is outspoken about his support for Hamas, it is Berkwechur. Everybody. I just said to someone, I just said to someone,

it's so nice to not know what's going on. It's like you see people, people are like, I don't even know, like they are in it. Like on their Instagram, they're hemorrhaging followers, they're fighting with people, fuck you. I'm watching you climbing up a light pose, ripping down flags and spray painting. Yeah, it's pretty wild, right?

And I really am not really sincere, sincerely sure what's happening. Yeah, it's kind of nice, right? Stay out of it. it must be like, oh, that's a really bad analogy. Okay, let's hear it. Nothing. Okay.

I don't know, yeah, I don't know, yeah. It's wild. It's crazy, Tom. I'll tell you what, I'm focused on. Shit, it's crazy right now. You just said he is dead. Shit's crazy. Yeah, it's crazy right now. You just said he is dead like a- Shit's crazy. Yeah, the segue of every other comic.

Like everyone's worried about the mint. And they're like, so shit's crazy right now. She's real crazy. I was looking at someone's Instagram feed today. I won't say her name because she's a very, like she was a very funny influencer, married to a very famous actor. And she is fucking hard as,

and as I read her post, I'm like, oh, I don't even know about that. I did a post about how beautifully my beard was dyed. And I was like, wow, I'm out of touch. Yeah, it is nice though, right? Should I do it? I've never done it. No, no, no, no.

So here's the key about dying a beard. Yeah. What a pivot. Right now, people are like, wow, they're really not going to talk about the Middle East at all. Um, the key about dying a beard is not dying at all. Yeah. What a pivot. Right now people are like, wow, they're really not gonna talk about them at least at all. The key about dying of your beard is not dying at all. Right. It's about subtly dying it.

Taking big patches. Like you're, you get a strong mustache. Yeah, this is all, everything is the way it is, right? So, you don't touch it at all. No. What is your hair gray? I don't know, I haven't seen it in forever.

What was the longest you let it grow out? Now? Yeah. Not a few days. Really? Yeah, four or five days. And haven't seen it in forever. Who's the longest you let it grow out? Now? Yeah. Not a few days. Really? Yeah, four or five days. And you shave it yourself? Yeah.

Clippers or razor? I use the electric one. You know, that were your hand molds to it? Yeah. And I just go in the shower. For real? Yeah, because it's easy. It gets really smooth.

I can't believe I still have any hair. Listen, you always covered up, though. Yeah Yeah, I know because it just looks perfect. It looks perfect. It looks fine with the hat on. But it's thinning, but I can cheat it. I can cheat it. You ever wear that? You ever go without the hat? Yeah, all my specials, all my other stand-up. Yeah. But you just stand up and do a hat list? Yeah, I do a hat list. I like wearing a hat because I think I look cute in the hat.

Cute. Yeah. Yeah. It's about, it's about, my daughters have a thread, a baby walrus thread, and they will hose it down with times I've said I've looked cute, and they take a picture, and I do not look cute. It's usually when I, where do you, where do you die? That's the best question I've been asked in my entire fucking life. Oh, okay.

So, here's what I do. Just for men, brown. you don't wanna go black. You don't wanna go to the dark. You don't go black because you don't have black hair. So that would be crazy. But that's a lot of the pro wrestlers do. Like, Randy Macho, I mean, I savage for a period of time.

It's a gall. Oh, God. Hairdust. Oh my God, on our cruise, we had a costume night and there was a couple who dressed up as you and push. I saw this. And it was so fucking good. And it was such a deep cut. Yeah. Because no one I saw this. And it was so fucking good. I saw this.

And it was such a deep cut. Yeah. Because no one really got it. And then I didn't get it at first. And then I was like, shut the fuck up. Because he did this the goal one. He did this goal. And then she was the from her special.

Yeah. But the key to dying your hair is leaving gray hair there. Yeah, you can't go all the way. And then I, it's like, it's like when I shave my pubes, I trim, I trim. So what I do is I, I've watched a lot of barbershop videos. I comb it out, I comb it out, right? And then I trim that, I just kind of give it a fade a little bit. Yeah. Then I go, so like, if this is dick and balls, right? This is actually good. This dick and balls. What I do is I see or it out like this. So everything under here is shorn.

Everything's bald right here, bald right here, shaft totally fucking bald. And then this is the key. I go up an inch. I go up into this area and cutting the pubis. Yeah, into the pubis area. It looks like you have an inch more of a cock. Yeah.

And then it's a fake. And if you push that fat pad, you actually see more dick. Dude, if you push it in, you're like, well, there's some dick in there. Can I tell you that's the workout item best in? Yeah, six minute dick. And it's just, it's just whatever workout, like I don't even know like a bicycle. I think if you actually really reduce your body fat to like, you know, first you listen, you get to 12 and then you go under the like hardcore then that pad would be completely gone. That's why young dudes have big dicks just because their body fat level. Yeah. Yeah

It's you almost got to forgive all those guys that molest them. Just joking guys. Just joking. Yeah, but like young dudes, like young dudes, 18 years old, is the best dick you're gonna have. Take pictures now, guys. I think anybody who is willing to take nude photos at any point, and you're like, I'll do it right now. I mean, you know, I'm willing to. You're crazy not to, because you're never gonna look better.

Dude, all I do is take nude pictures of myself. In the sauna when I have sauna cock, it's up against the window, fucking shoulders like this. That's why I look the best. Every time I go like this, it doesn't look that good. You're like, but you go down. I go down like this.

Yeah. And then I get almost hard. Almost hard. Like three quarters. Like, yeah. So, like seven eighths. Okay. Seven eighths. So it's full, but it's just not up yet. It's yeah. Seven eighths. Okay. Seven eighths.

So it's full, but it's just not up yet. It's full. It's just not. It's ready to sail. It's still in the dock. Got you. Like, fucking, sails are up. Yeah.

After you get a sailing, I kind of like getting into sailing. I don't like sails. You like sailors? Well, no, they're nice people. I'm saying, whenever I see a sailboat, I don't like sailboats. I always go, that looks cool, but I don't really want to be on it. I want to be on one with a motor.

Because I've been on sailboats. It's just fucking, I feel like it's chaotic. That's what I like about it. Oh yeah, that makes sense. Like I love the idea that there's an energy when you, because I was looking at like, what it seems happens is when you get to a certain level in your life, you take flying lessons.

That's what it seems like happens. Are you taking flying lessons? Yeah, of course you are. Right? Can I try a chokehold on you? No. Just real quick. No, absolutely not. And I won't do it all the way.

No, wait, hang on, are you taking Jiu-Jitsu now? So? Are you taking Jiu-Jitsu and you're taking flying lessons? I have a middle-life crisis, I'm 44. Holy shit. Wait, holdu and you're taking flying lessons? I have a midlife crisis, I'm 44. Holy shit. Wait, hold on, you're taking Jetsu. Let me just try one on you. But you tell, you tap.

Hold on. Just let me see if I can do it. Hold on. Hold on. No, you're trying it out on somebody who doesn't know how to fed themselves. I know, but like, okay, you just tell me. Hey. All right, see it's getting better. God damn it.

You know, I let choke me out in front of the end my voice of try choking me. They're both in it. Are you serious? The three you were taking to jiu-jitsu? Yeah, yeah, and you're fighting them. No, no, the energy of fucking a child boy must have in jiu-jitsu is insane. Elis does arm bars on me all and I'm like, yo, I'm already broken one. Like he's in tense. We both your boys are taking jujitsu. You're taking jujitsu. You're taking flying lessons. Yeah.

What else? When did you realize you're having a midlife crisis? I guess because people say that whenever you do anything that's like out of what you've done before, that's like, you know, adventurous. They go, you're having been live crisis. And then my thought on that is like, yeah, how could you not?

Yeah, it's the same thing happens when people go, you've changed. And you're like, yeah, I don't, yeah. It's the whole fucking point. But I think if you're not having a mid-life're in your 40s, then something's wrong with you. Because it's not working hard enough. No, it means you don't have no self-awareness. There you go, yeah. It means you have no, you're not appreciating,

like the whole thing about a midlife crisis is you go, I'm gonna die. So I need to, you know, do these things because I don't have that much life left. Yeah, life is fleeting. Right, so I'm saying, if you're not somebody who, if you're like, oh, no, I'm not interested in it, I'm just gonna do anything of everything I've always ever done, then it's almost like you're saying,

I just don't care that this is gonna end. There's a lot of people that think drinking is their thing. Like, that's their, they just go, like I told you about the time I was in the cardiologist waiting room and I was nervous and like, I was like, what do you nervous about? And I was in the cardiologist waiting room and I was nervous and like I was like, what do you nervous about? And I was like, what do you tell me? I have to squit drinking.

You guys look at me and he goes, heads up, you don't. I was like, what? And he goes, you can drink yourself to death. No one's going to give a fuck. I was like, Jesus Christ. And then the cardiologist told me, just so you know, everyone in that room is people that didn't know when to stop. I got told the other day,

I wanna go back to your midlife crisis, but I got told the other day, there's two types of people. There's addicts and there's partiers. Partiers stop when the party's over. Yeah. And then addicts just never stop. That's true. And I was like, oh yeah, I stopped when the party's over. Yeah. And then addicts just never stop. That's true. And I was like, oh yeah, I stopped when the party's over.

So you're a partyer? Yeah, I go with the party. I'm not drinking by myself in my room when everyone knows they're on the go and like I'm gonna jack off of the show. No, the difference is with you is that you are the person who goes, come over so that the party can keep going.

Do you realize my one takeaway? I had so many sober realizations, like over my time of sobriety. Yeah you realize my one takeaway? I had so many sub-realizations, like over my time of sobriety. Yeah. The number one takeaway is how often everyone wants to go to bed. This is your takeaway? Like everyone wants to sleep. Everyone wants to sleep.

And you? Never. I never want to sleep. I never want the party to end. I want everyone to stay up with me. I want to have one more drink. I want everyone to like, yeah, come on. And then like, I'm cool going to bed,

but like at two in the morning, if you let the most people go to bed at like 11 o'clock. Yeah. Like most people don't want to just like, I listen to my favorite part of the tourbusters, get on the tourbusters and be in like the bus leaves and I'm like, one more drink. And then the best is when you break someone's spirit.

We're like, pizza and bed and then you open it's curtain and you're like, ah, you're not gonna be a bitch, are you? And he's like, guys, I'm trying to sleep. And you're like, one drink. Everyone getting pizza bunk and then everyone gets in and he's like, five fuck it, I'll drink with you. That's my favorite.

It's breaking their spirit. Yeah, that's true. Just fucking, that's the funnest, the funnest, the funnest I would Love one semester in fraternity house just one semester in fraternity house. You could do that as a show I don't even need to do a show. I could do it for free. No, I know but if but that would be a Hit show. Oh Bert back back in the frat dad frat dad. Yeah, and I just show up and I by the way

I don't even need to be there Monday Tuesday Wednesday But I want to be there Thursday Friday Saturday. Yeah game day game day Game day and a big school too, you know like big Southern school. You got to go where it's like it's a scene Yeah, I love to go back to Florida State. Yeah, I mean I've Florida State. I've been there Right, but I would love to go to one of those. I would love to do, I would love to do. I would love to do. Oxford on a Saturday, game day. Dude, incredible.

I would love to do Friday, Saturday, at different colleges, different fraternities. I get in Friday. You know, I haven't announced yet. So the first half of my, the 24 is announced. Yeah. For the fall, I booked some college gigs, the gig is Friday, so that I can go to the game Saturday.

Are you fucking serious? Yeah. God damn it. Yeah, so, and I'm gonna, I'm going to like some big ones. Can I tell you, this is what's wrong with me? Yeah, I just said to my family, and to everyone, I'm gonna take the fall off. Yeah No, I don't want to you should no

No, you should. No, I don't need it. It's good for you. I know I've a tour bus. I know I just meet you. Okay, all your gigs, okay Okay, and we'll go to college game day every fucking Saturday. I mean, I'm excited. If you're okay, go to TomSkurray.com. Find, have you announced them yet? Not the following, no. Okay, when they launch, I will be taking my tour of us to a fraternity house. I'll be spending the night with you boys. Okay.

We're going to a hard Friday night, real hard. Like fucking real hard. And Saturday morning, I will be the first up. I will get breakfast ready for everyone. I will have pre-party. But here get breakfast ready for everyone. I will have pre party. But here's the thing I'm worried about. Why are you already saying no? No, I'm not worried. I'm going. I, um, I also, I went out. I went out for drinks. But your drinks are my

drinks. Well, my drinks. Yeah, I was drinking vodka on ice, just enjoying it. That just nice cold crisp vodka. There is nothing better. It was delicious. The cleanest drink you can have in the world. Whiskey. But here's dirty horror who loses or shoes. Yeah.

Okay. Jen. Is a chick you didn't realize was overweight until you wake up next morning. Tequila. Yeah. Okay. Jen, is a chick you didn't realize was overweight until you wake up the next morning. T'Kila gives you an SDD. Yeah, T'Kila's wild. But fucking vodka. That goes a gentleman's fingers. Vodka leaves.

Before you wake up with a note by your bed. Yeah. And you smile and you go, God, I wouldn't mind fucking her one more time. I love fucking. Black is great. I haven't had vodka in so long. Here's the thing, can I tell you what kind of surprise me? What? So every time I have a few drinks, like, I'm always like,

man, tomorrow's gonna suck. I'm always thinking about the recovery. Not with vodka. I'll tell you this. I was fine. You do? I was fine. Like 100%.

I mean, yes, I had a few waters before bed, you know? So I, that's the key. Yeah. I mean, for real, that is the key. But I had a little buzz and I was like, I was like, man, I wonder if tomorrow I'm gonna be like, and it's just a world of regret. I was fine.

When we did our first weight loss challenge, I drank Tito's and soda through the entire fucking weight loss challenge. You did? And I lost weight. And I'm telling you, it's the cleanest drink. My only problem is airplane bogus. What is that?

The airplane bogus. They don't have good bogus on airplanes. That's the only problem I have with airplane bogus. Yeah. Man, you just made me want to drink. I, you know what's interesting, I'm sorry, I monitor, I monitor myself. Not to get two into the weeds,

but like I started, I started, I keep a happening journal and I noticed things about myself, yeah, I've kept it for a while. What is that? I write down times, things that make me happy, things that make me anxious, things that bring me joy, things that I really like, I write ideas in there, like it's just a way to quantify the easiest one to explain. It's like one morning, I made the girls breakfast and then they went to school and I was,

I was kind of cup of coffee and a cigar out my backyard and I was writing to my happiness journal and I went, God, I really feel great. I feel great making, I feel like of service. I feel great making them breakfast and I should remember that. This brings making that. I feel like of service. I feel great making them breakfast. And I should remember that. This brings me happiness. So then like two days later, I'm hungover. I do it shows at the store. I'm hungover. The girls are up and I was like, Hey, are you making breakfast? I was like, I think I'm going to just sleep. And then I hear Liam, let him sleep. He was out late that night. But in my head, I know that I'd written it down. That bring makes me happy.

So I went, stop, get out of bed, go make them breakfast, and see if that works again. And I made them breakfast, my hangover went away, I'm laughing, I'm having coffee, I'm world joking, they go all get in the car and go and I go, God damn it, it works. So it's like quantifying happiness. So what I do is I quantify, when I stop drinking,

the first five days is the most interesting, because you have an impulse. You know when you started losing weight and you would go to that, you find out how many times you actually went to the fridge. Or how many times you went to a bag of chips and you were like, oh wait, I can't have chips, I'm trying to eat clean.

Yeah. So it's easy to do with weight loss, but when you drink a lot, there's a lot of times where your brain will say to yourself, hey, we should have a drink tonight. Like, it's almost like, oh, hey. Oh, hey, you know, you should have a drink. And then I would quantify that,

and then I'd sit with that feeling, and then go, what is that? Like, I was trying to figure out what it is. And then there were false ones, like almost like a false limb where you feel an itch. Yeah. And it's just like going like, and then those go away real quick. Like false what false.

False feelings of false feelings of wanting to have a drink. Oh, I got you. Like where your brain goes, we should get it open about a while tonight. And then you're like, I don't really need that. You know what I'll do? I'm gonna get on the treadmill. I'm gonna walk. I'm gonna watch full swing on fucking Netflix. I'm gonna feel good. I'm gonna get a good night's sleep. I'm gonna saw it before I go to bed. I'm gonna get up and I'm gonna push it tomorrow. And you're like, hey, hey, hey, yeah. That's the right thing. You know what? Maybe we'll take a hit of weed and smuggler's to go I'm gonna saw them before I go to bed. I'm gonna get up and I'm gonna push it tomorrow. And you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's the right thing.

You know what, maybe we'll take a hit of weed and smoke a cigar. That'll be the same feeling. And then there's what you just did to me. It's when they're real, they're real. That's the Lord talking to you. Yeah, yeah. Where you brought up vodka and my brain said,

you know, we haven't danced with her in a while. Like just her, no soda, no cranberry, just her. Just me and her. Just me and her and ice, maybe a little bit of a lime, just to like a bow in her hair, a flower in her hair. It was good, it was nice, man. It was nice, yeah. I want you to remember this.

I'm being dead serious. I want you to remember that you did this to me tonight. Okay. Good no, because this one's a real one. Yeah. And I haven't had her in a while. Yeah. And I fell in love with her.

She really introduced me. I told you this a long time ago, I was sitting on a plane. I was sitting on a plane drinking a hien again and this gorgeous man next to me. Dim's name was Tan. Gorgeous man next to me said, you know what? I could go for a drink. I had a long one last night. And I was like, yeah, he was vodka soda. She brings it to him a long one last night and I was like, yeah. He goes, vodka soda.

She brings it to him and I said, vodka soda. I was like, what do you Chelsea handler? And he was like, it's in my contract. I was like, what? He goes, as a male model, it's the best drink you can drink the lose weight. And I went, I'm gonna murder this time again and all of the vodka soda too.

And so that was when I first met her. But she does make you feel clean. Yeah, makes you feel good. It was a good buzz. We're gonna get fucked up tonight. We are gonna be drinking. Are you gonna get Bert drunk? No.

Why don't you get Bert drunk? I have to do this. No, but I'm curious. Do you, I'm being serious since here, because I've done it. Where you, like, I've done it where you go. There's two things. I want the buzz, right? I want the buzz. I you just, like, I've done it where you go, there's two things. I want the buzz, right?

I want the buzz, I want to feel the buzz. I want the sparkle. And then there's times where you go, no, everyone's drinking, I understand that that would make things easier just to be a part of the team and while I'll drink tonight, but I really don't want to drink. I really don't, I don't have an interest in drinking.

I wish I could have some water. I wish I wasn't over at this plate, guys, house. So I had to listen to him talk about assisted suicide I wish By the way, maybe the best super conversation I've ever been in my entire life. Oh Yeah, I had a guys house at a guys house. He's like listen suicide is not a bad fucking option I was like when he's when you get older and then his wife's gonna stop selling people on suicide well, I

Having seen like somebody wither away, yeah, I would have wanted to check out. Do you think, when do you think, on the list of people I call when my dad dies, where do you think you'll be on that list? I don't know, that's really personal to you. I know, but you've been through it. But I mean, whether or not, like your order, I mean, I don't like to guess

where I'll be in your order. I mean, you're probably gonna talk to your siblings, your mom, your wife, maybe your kids. Who is it? How is, you never called me when your dad died. Yeah, because like, you're not really, you know, you get, like, it affects everyone differently. Did you drink? Did I drink? Like that when I, like, when I had it. You found out that you poured drink you get like, it affects everyone differently. Did you drink? Did I drink like that when I like when I found out you poured

drink and be like, oh no, what'd you do? So we were at the, oh, you knew he was dying too. Oh, yeah, yeah, we knew he was dying. And then they were like, it'll happen in the next like the doctors and there was like, it'll happen like the next day. So I was there in the morning. And let's say he died around noon. From there, we went to a funeral home that was going to do. And you know, we had some things already

picked up. We had to do a few other things. We made a few other things. There was a lot of business. Yeah, the more of it, there's the thing about dying is that the people who are alive but with dying on the horizon, that's why it's so important to have your stuff in order, A, you're a state planning kind of stuff because people who die without that, I think the story goes that Prince had no will,

you know, right? I'm just using him as an example. Then you just have tons of people being like, we're all apart, like, you know, they're trying to like chop up this estate. Oh, I'm gonna have a reading of my will just like an 80s movie where everyone's there and they're like, who's that guy?

And they're like, well, man, everyone's sitting there and they're like, who's that guy? And they're like, well, everyone's sitting there and they're like, okay, yeah, and people fighting for the money, I'm gonna have a scavenger hunt. I'm gonna have like, yeah, the more of that, though, I'm gonna have all the electricity in the house drop out. And then one person's gonna die also. And then they're gonna be like, who did it?

And then they find out, that would be fun. Why did they want to make their death fun? They're not thinking like you. They're just like, man, I don't know why I'm such a bummer about this whole death, but. Why don't they have, why don't funeral homes step it up? You've got wedding plan.

Yeah, no, it's real fun. It's a funeral plan. It's bomber city at funeral homes. It's a bomber city. It's really a bum show. But you have to have that stuff. And then if you are, I'm saying, thinking ahead, you have your plot but like you have to have that stuff and then if you are You know, I'm saying thinking ahead you have your plot how you want to be if you want to be cremated

If you want to know where you want to be buried not at all. I haven't thought about it But I do have so much time now that I don't drink like I used to how much time you think you have like Better question is how much time do you think I had if I didn't slow down? If you didn't slow down? It'd be real. I think you would have had real health issues start to evolve and show themselves in this decade, you know? Like from 50 to 60?

Yeah, and we're talking like you're not slowing down. Not slowing down. Yeah, I think your health would have taken a turn during this decade. That's the one, the one my one takeaway and I mean this to all our fans, because I think all our fans have watched us change and like grow and digress get hurt,

go get surgeries, go through shit. But the one thing I think sometimes is like, I wish I could gift, wish I could gift just the space to everyone. Like the, once you get kind of healthier, you get a little distance from your bad behaviors. Yeah. And you start like, it almost gives you time to exhale.

And I would love to gift everyone what it's like to like not wake up super fat. Cause I know what it's like to like, not wake up super fat. Cause I know what it's like right now, and I'm by the way, I'm still obese. I'm still obese. I understand that I don't want to in this goes, dude, you're 235, that's fucking fat as fuck. That's down from 270?

275, really. When we look at, I love these things so much. By the way, but like, but it's when you the mouth that it takes off of you, like just walking, we're getting, it's showering, you know, showering is the big thing.

I can wash my asshole again. I couldn't wash my asshole. Really? Like I get back there and it would hurt to get back there. Like shoulders and your back would hurt. I'd be like, uh, uh, uh, uh, my feet don't hurt. Stairs, right? Don't stairs make a difference?

40 pounds is a lot of difference on going up a flight of stairs. I'm not a stair. I don't work for UPS. But I'm saying if you're in a stairwell, like, you've never ever been in a fucking stairwell. You never go up a flight of stairs at all? No.

I like how stairs, like I said, you know, when you go to a space station. What am I, what am I, one of your pores? Yeah. No, I don't walk up stairs. Okay. I fucking hang out in the first floor the girls are upstairs. I don't go up to their rooms Okay, yeah, I don't really fuck with stairs That you're really saying this like stairs are out of the realm of possibilities to run into you know It's very interesting. You say that Today I did the stair climb

Today I did the stair climber and Today I did the stair climber, and I thought, I actually thought, this is fucking useless. Really? I was like, who the fuck is doing stairs? Really? No, I don't fuck with stairs. By getting out of a chair is different. Getting out of a chair, I actually feel it.

I actually feel, because I do a lot of squats, and like gobblet squats. Were you at the point at your heaviest, where you would have a split second thought, getting into a chair, like is this a supportive chair? No, but I will tell you. Daringfully loaded. Yeah, it's a guy that came backstage.

And he's, he's a big guy. Well, he was big. He's like probably three bills. And he sat in chair and he broke it. He's as excited as shattered and it smithering. I mean, like comic book. All four legs went squirt and the fucking back fell off. And everyone laughed except for me and Big J.

We looked at each other and looked at him. We're like, it's okay buddy. Yeah, we're there. Like it's, that could have been us. That could be us. Thank God we didn't sit in that chair because that could be us. No, getting right now,

well you know I was cracking toilet seats left and right. No. Oh yeah. Oh I was cracking toilet seats because I don't, when you're that fat, by the way There's the minutia of fat like stretching a shirt. These are things that fat guys do stretching a shirt before you put it on The idea of putting on pants where you go these are barely gonna get around my ass and then going through your wardrobe and having Absolutely nothing to wear putting on a suit and realizing,

I feel like I'm in a fucking prison, but nothing connects more than cracking toilet seats. Where cracking the seats, I cracked so many seats, and then what would happen is I just lared too hard on them. Okay, I go to take a shit and I go, wham, and then it would crack. And then you couldn't find the crack. But then when you got up, it would pinch your leg.

Dude. The other one is a, a fact I move is putting your foot on your leg to tie your shoe. That's a total fact I move. Like, you need to reach it here. You can tell, you can tell fact guys. You can tell fact guys by their stomachs, but you can also tell really fat guys,

all their shoelaces are tied on the inside. And the inside, yeah. But the inside, dude, I stopped tying shoes all together. I just, everything was a slip on. Everything was a slip on. And it's why fat guys have such hard, bad feet problems. Shoes were meant to be tied. They were meant to be tied, not too tight,

but snug on your foot. And when you slide into all your shoes and you're overweight, putting so much stress on your feet and you're getting plantar fasciitis, dude. Sweatpants are such an enabler. They're enablers. Yeah, because you put on sweatpants,

you're like, I'm not that fat. I can sick crisscross applesauce. Yeah. And then you put jeans. Oh, and then you put on jeans and you're like, like I would look at you in your fancy clothes and hate you put jeans. And then you put jeans. And then you put on jeans and you're like, like I would look at you in your fancy clothes and hate you. And fancy, like you mean pants? No, no, like you put on, you put on fancy clothes,

like slacks, you come to the two bears. And I was like, what are we dressing up? So we're a fucking red carpet. You have a collar shirt on with like a fucking beige jacket and I'd be like, I'd be like, oh cool. And the first thing I did when I lost like a significant amount of weight,

as I went into a bunch of jackets that must have stood there, like they were never getting called to war. They were just sitting on the side. Like it's don't hurt going, we're not going. Dude, all we're on tonight, it's crazy. It feels so good. Dude, I was, when we were promoting the machine that's streaming right now on Netflix It was number one for like three weeks, but you can check it out and then boost it back up number one

It would totally help me out. Just even don't even want you to watch it. Just hit play on your fucking Netflix Yeah, do that with our specials too. Don't even fucking watch them tonight tonight. Everyone watching this Just go to Netflix and hit sledgehammer hit hit razzle dazzle and hit the machine and just let them play, just let them fucking play. You know what that does? It increases our fucking money. So the, uh, the, um, what was that? When I was promoting the movie, yeah. I swear. I swear to God. I bought all new wardrobe. I had a stylist come in and dress me for all new wardrobe.

And I went to one show and I couldn't button the shirt. Really? Of a shirt I had just recently bought. I would balloon up five pounds, six, seven pounds in an evening. In an evening. And if I was on a plane, I was fucking swollen. Yeah. I didn't realize how red I was. five pounds, six, seven pounds in an evening, in an evening. And if I was on a plane, I was fucking swollen. Yeah.

I didn't realize how red I was. Yeah, you did look super red before. Everyone was like, dude, you're really red. And I was like, I know, I'm working hard. This would work, it looks like. Who do you fucking color shame, Amy? Ah. That's why I love about black alcoholics, as you can't tell.

Yeah, they just stay black. It's one of the great things about thing of black alcoholics, as you can't tell. Yeah. They just stay black. It's one of the great things about thing of black alcoholics. Black alcoholics are the fucking best. When are you gonna do drink champs? Not no, not in me like that. But like, when are you gonna do drink champs? I mean, I'd love to.

Oh my God, but I want you to get fucked up. Okay. I want you to get fucked up and I want to sit in the back with Allynorian and DJEFN's group and talk shit the way they do and do that. No, getting out of your chair was a big deal when I lost weight, getting into the gym and being excited and having gains.

And being like, oh this is good. I didn't realize that when, so it was my dad died in December of 21. No. Yeah, yeah, that's when he died, December 21. So you were still in LA? No, I had moved here already. Okay.

So I moved here in May of 21. So he died in December 21. And I'm not even tying the two together, even though they could be, but like, I didn't realize that I'm back on tour. And I have like trainer with me, but I'm just like not dialed in on eating, you know, and like going at it, I'm gaining weight, gaining weight.

And I had a suit that I had bought a few months prior. And then I wore it on one of the arena shows. Dude, like the day I put it on, it's like, I'm like, oh, and I'm trying to put, and I was like, fuck. And that was like, you know, March, April of 22. So just in this few months, and then I look at like clips from them, and I was totally believing in them. We should do a group thing. We should do a group thing. We should do a group thing. We don't need a sponsor.

All those sponsors would be bad ass. But we should do a group thing in January. A group thing? A group thing. Like a dry January. We didn't do so rock to rock. We did do so rock to over, but I already wasn't drinking.

So like it wasn't any fun. Can I tell you, it was so lax this year between us? No one ever even talked about it. That I broke my sobriety on accident. And I was just like, okay, like, I met up with somebody and they go, do you wanna have a drink? And I so wasn't thinking,

because we weren't talking about it, that I go, sure, I have a drink. I think maybe half of it. And it was the next day where I was like, oh, it's October and I just forgot. Yeah, it's fun when you do a group challenge. I would love to do a group in the next video. I'm not going to talk about it in the next video. I'm not going to talk about it in the next video. I'm not going to talk about it in the next video. I'm not going to talk about it in the next video.

I'm not going to talk about it in the next video. I'm not going to talk about it in the next video. I'm not going to talk about it in the next video. I'm not going to talk about it in the next video. I'm not going to talk about it in the next video. I'm not going to talk about it in the next video. I'm not going to talk about it in the next video. I'm not going to talk about it in the next video. I'm not going to talk I want them to make the numbers public, and I want our fans to have their numbers public.

I want to be able to like everyone check in. I think you can if you accept like people who... But we should do like a real challenge at the beginning of this year with us and our fans. For sure. I'm gonna party my dick off. Starting tonight, I'm gonna party pretty hard. Through December?

Probably. I mean, you figure it's a holiday season. Thanksgiving's gonna be a fucking wash, right? Tonight, me and you were getting pretty fucked up. We are. We are. How fucked up? Pretty fucked up.

I want you to start laughing when you, those uncontrollable laughs, you're like, I did not expect this to happen. And so, and then Christmas is gonna be a fucking blowout. New Year's Eve. Are you in Honolulu? Yeah. You're in Honolulu New Year's Eve. I think I don't think I'm doing a show, but I'll have a party at my house. I only get fucking lit, but I want to go January one. I want to go January one. Do dry January and I probably bleed it into our Super Bowl show. Okay. The first time we drink again to be our Super Bowl show, but get our fans activated too because it's funny.

I'm sure there's people watching this going, oh fuck off, right? But because I did that when you lost weight, I was like, oh fuck off. Like, yeah, great. You got your shit together. It's, you don't know what I mean. But like, do something to activate like our group. Because everyone can use a little extra umpth. A little something motivation, group motivation really works.

We don't need Joe and Ari. We can just do me and you, like a dry January, just for the bears, just for the fucking people that are with like our guys, but activate the community and really like, cause I love when like, like people post shit and then you see them doing better. There's a bunch of guys that when I,

I guess when I started losing weight, I love when I started losing weight and everyone's like, if that, that fucking do it. And then they started losing weight and then they lost more weight. And then you go like, wow, that's inspiring, you know. We should do dry January. See if we can get a sponsor so everyone can get on the same shit. Like, whoop, I go to whoop immediately because that's my favorite one.

But start 2024 solid. That would be cool. Yeah. I get into a bunch of these boy, hang on. I get into a lot, I don't know the right way to say this. A bunch of young men who are like party guys, but they're all workout party guys and I fucking love. Are they gorgeous? They're good looking. They're shirtless. Yeah.

They're fun. This one guy lives in Miami, one guy lives in Tampa. You just like, I just follow them. They're all fucking colleges. I don't even know. They don't look educated. Okay. But they're probably, they're college age, and they're just fucking party guys. There's something about that when you haven't realized that's your spirit, dude. That's what it is. Yeah, we're going to have so much fun in the fall. Yeah, going from tour to tour.

You're jumping on this for sure. I'm jumping on it. I'm jumping on it. I'm getting ready for, I'm building for something. What I'll do, yeah, oh, dude, I'm at least doing one. I'm at least doing one with you. Okay. And I'm going to spend the night at a of attorney house. Are you doing Tallahassee? Mm-hmm. Are you doing Tallahassee? Mm-hmm

Bro, I'm Friday can I roll out the red carpet for you in Tallahassee? Yeah, of course Holy shit can you tell I have a And does it look do I look like a Oh, I thought it was the other side Anyway, um, tell us I went you don't want to a Florida state game. Of course I know and it went it was fucking It's funny because you know when we ran into coach normal with the at the way they thought he was like he was like like Lucy Goosey hey, yeah, I'm burnt. Yeah, we're all out. He lifted his shirt up He was like, yeah, look at my tips. And then when I saw him on Game Day,

he's dialed in. Yeah, of course, man. He went, Bert, good to see you. Come on. Dad me up and he was on. Yeah. He was on. Focus.

Do you forget how fucking studly these fucking football players are? When you see them on the field, like just the fucking legs. When I was at Penn State for my show last year, they were like, every time it's a big D1, they go, I try to, I'm like, hey, can I check out the football facilities?

Yeah. So they set it up and they just had practice. Like practice just ended. So they were in the locker room and they brought us in there. And I, I'm fucking 43, I'm walking through this thing and I was like, oh my God, like these kids dwarfed all of us. We all were like, oh God, this is fucking great. And then the kids 19 and he's like this, you know, like in the locker room, like, oh, what's up? Oh, I love your stuff. And you're like, like you, and then the kid's 19. And he's like, this, you know, like in the locker,

and like, oh, what's up? Oh, I love your stuff. And you're like, like, you're meaning like that. And you forget your ass hold his ass. Yeah, you're like, nice to meet you son. Like, yeah, it's really nuts. How the D1 athlete is built different. Like, you don't run into them every day.

They're a whole different, like, cut. Really, they really are. I don't know what DK Metcalf I wrote an elevator with him really and I was Like put oh you can't pull a picture Such a freak show the human being I was like this in the elevator. I was like shit DK Metcalf came up It was like you know whatever he said're like the best living comic for a generation.

I love the way you speak to multicultural groups and you just translate very well. Yeah, yeah, that sounds just like a DK quote. He was like, dude, fucking shoulders are on point. And I was like, oh, thanks man, you don't have to say that. He was like, oh, it's undeniable. And then he said to me, I said, I said, he just got to him practice. And I said, what are you doing after this?

You know who would take a nap? And he looked at me like, huh? Like he, you can see it in his eyes. He's like, I'm a different specimen. And he goes, no, I'm going to work on ASL. I said, what? And he goes, on my free time, I work on American Sign Language. And I went for fun. And he goes, oh my free time, I work on American Sign Language. And I went for fun.

And he goes, yeah. And he's like, and then I'm going to get another workout in. I got another class I'm taking. I go, the fuck's wrong with you? I was like, you should be like soaking wet with pussy juice. I think he gets time for that too. I think he works it in. He is fucking gorgeous.

Geno Smith is there. Gino Smith. Gino Smith. Yeah. Gorgeous. Let's go. I'm not bad. Gorgeous. I mean, just, just, just different type of men. Do you ever hear Marshall and Lace talk about Aaron Rodgers? Marshall and talk about Aaron. Yeah.

Oh, so bad ass. So he goes to Cal, right? When his freshman year, they bring him out for like one of the first team defense versus first team offense. And they bring more Sean. He's he's fresh out of high school. They bring him out and they go, all right, we're going to run power power, right or whatever. And Marcion Lynch is like, shit, I'm in. Like, there's a list of quarter of running backs. It can be back here, but they brought me in. Yeah. I'm running. And he got so excited because I guess power, I'm in. Like there's a list of running backs that can be back here, but they brought me in. I'm running, and he got so excited,

because I don't know anything about football, but power is like the fucking move he wants, right? And Aaron Rodgers is a quarterback, and Marcia Lynch runs the wrong direction. And Aaron Rodgers is such a fucking gangster, you know him, he's my best friend. And then he does a back move, and hands it off backwards

to martial linch, martial linch runs his retouch down, plays goes nuts, coaches come up and get in martial linch's face. That's not how we do it at Cal. You fucking went the wrong direction. And Aaron Rogers, what a gangster to this freshman. He does not know. Says that was my fault. And they were like, what?

And he's like, it was my fault. I called the wrong play. I went the wrong direction. It was, it wasn't his fault. Marshall Lynch is a freshman, right? Yeah. And in front of the whole team, they start bitching out Aaron Rogers. And Aaron Rogers takes it. And he's like, comes over to Marshall and he's like, welcome to the team.

And from that day forward, Marshall Lynch has never said about word about Aaron Rogers. Makes sense. I just saw him talk about what a shitty relationship he had with Russell Wilson. Yeah, what the fuck, what was that? The story he told, it was March on, I think he was doing... Cubscheche?

Yeah. Cubscheche is a badass, but... Yeah, yeah, so he's... She was Charles Arms or fucking Jacked. Dude, he is 55. And I saw him doing... He's 55? Yeah, he's doing incline.

Dude, I have a friend of 55 who looks like fucking garbage garbage garbage He's an old man at 55 You're like you're like you need a sweater They're talking about I think I think I have an idea this guy Shanna sharp 55 years old. He's doing incline In a sharp 55 years old, he's doing incline dumbbells with one thirties and just doing reps with it.

And you're like, whoa, like this is pretty serious. But the story he told him about, you know, they had a real thing obviously in Seattle. Yeah. Like a fucking great team. And he's talking about that relationship. And he said, it's funny because you told the air and Roger story. In this interview, Martian Lynch says that after one particular game where Russ had just like not a great game, Martian reached out and was like, you know, I know that this was like not. First of all, he asked for, he asked for Russ's number from like player personnel guy and they'll like, he'll call you.

And then Russ called him from an unknown, from like a private number. And he said that he told him like, I know today wasn't like what you wanted, but you know, like I got your back. And he said, Russ was like, what? He's like, well, you know what I'm saying? Like today wasn't what you wanted as far as like a passing game, but like, I got your back and like, you know, if I have a game that doesn't work out for me,

you got my back. And he said Russ was like, huh? And that it kind of just ended like that. So he goes, you know, we had to zero relationship off the field, None, none. That's crazy. Yeah. You know, he was like reaching out to be like,

don't sweat, right? Like we're, I got your back even if you have a bad day. And he was like, yeah, I don't know. That's all I'm looking for in life. Yeah. That's all I'm looking for. That's all I'm looking for. Can I tell you what's wrong with,

not what's wrong with Russell Wilson, but what's great about Marshall Lynch? By the way, I'm spending all day tomorrow with the Marshall Lynch. No! I'm spending all day tomorrow with the Marshall Lynch. He's the greatest. I'm hoping that I can blend tonight's drink into tomorrow's Hennessy afternoon. Because I will drink Hennessy and blow clouds with him all fucking day. Yeah, that'd be a fun day

I will I will I will get you better leave with some cool Martian's Fuck oh, I'm gonna I'm gonna get his phone number. I'm gonna get I cannot wait. I cannot fucking wait to hang out with Martian Lynch. Yeah Martian I think the problem is, here's the problem with greatness, right? Is that like, a Russell Wilson's, no slide on him. He's, you can't slight greatness. The greatness just operates differently than the rest of us. It just does.

It's exhausting. It's, you're seen by the way, DK's supposed Daily routine. No, you haven't seen this He wakes up. I think he has coffee Some water works out Goes home Gets dressed goes to practice Has some more water. And they're like, when are you eating?

He's like, at five p.m., and then he has some candy too. He likes candy, which is like a Martian thing. He's like, yeah, I like to eat candy, like skittles and shit. Martian, you just take a shot of Hennessy, two shots of Hennessy for a game. I couldn't do that.

And I like drinking, I couldn't do that. It's fucking crazy to me. Yeah, the problem is, the problem was greatness. And I watch, only because like, I obviously everyone inspires greatness, right? Like I watch, you ever watch full swing on Netflix? The golf one? Yeah.

You watch certain guys like Jordan's beef or like Tiger Woods or McRoy or like these, these great guys, they're uber competitive also. Like it's something broken in your psyche, Jordan, you can't take anything other than number one, right? I think you just leave such a fucking field of frustration for you unless you are number one. And it works out for the most of them. They're always number one,

but they don't always, always, always turn number one. Yeah. I think there's a problem with men, to young men right now. I mean, this out of such respect. I was saying this to Leanne the other day, walking out of a target. I mean, we went to a target and she was,

and I was like, I don't mean this is an insult. We were talking about, why are we so happy? Like, what is the thing that makes us happy? Like, how do you gift this to other people? And I said this to her and it came out as an insult by me and it is a compliment, is that right now, if you're listening, just lower your expectations. Do not think, that's what fucks up so many young dudes

is they want the baddest bitch in the bar not realizing all the fucking shit that comes with the baddest bitch in the bar all this shit the baddest bitch in the bar wants the baddest motherfucker on the street shitting what the baddest dude in the bar she wants the baddest motherfucker in the street you're never gonna be him if you lower your expectations and just go I just want someone who isn't gonna cheat on me, doesn't burn stakes and can fuck. Then you, there's a ton of those around. There's a ton of those around and I think,

and that's what you shoot for. That's what you shoot for. Shoot for like just a chick that gives really good hand jobs. Don't look for the baddest bitch in the bar. The baddest bitch in the bar sucks. What's the hottest chick you've ever dated? You can't say you're wife, cause I knew bitch in the bar sucks. What's the hottest chick you ever dated? You can't say you're wife, cause I knew earlier I was gonna say that.

What's the hottest chick you ever dated? And then let's fuck her up. Let's destroy her. Because that's what, because every guy in college listening right now is like, well, well, well, well, you think about it right now. The chick, you loved to fuck, right? You loved to fuck.

The one you're like, fuck, that would be nice. No, it was a disaster. Oh, is this? Yeah, it was a model in LA. I was at a huge crush on her. Yeah, I know it's like, already, okay, ready? I'm gonna break it down. Already, if you have a crush on her, you're fucked.

Yeah, yeah, it was fucked. Because you, what you're doing is you're new, you're zipping her. You're saying this is her, you're fucked. Yeah, yeah, it was fucked. Because you, what you're doing is your knee is heaving her. You're saying this is gonna be the best thing. Yeah, it's exactly, you're totally right about this actually. And it was, it was a total, it was, and here's the thing, like you get to know someone like that, the baddest bitch in the bar,

and you lose your attraction to her. Like you know, you're like, Like, you know, you're like, oh, I know that you're gonna say she's pretty, but I have hung out with her. Yeah. You start to find her less attractive. People can't even understand. How do you not think she's any like,

because I fucking spent time with her. Yeah. And she's a fucking, she's a mess. And she says, she does fucked up things where you're like, yeah, we're like, that's real people don't do that. Literally, literally. Yeah. Like, says fucked up things and you're like, we're like, that's real people don't do that. Literally, literally. Like, it says fucked up things and you're like, what the fuck?

And then you start to go like, oh, like you start to lose, the attraction goes away. I said it to Leanne, I said, you know what I love about your body and, and. I know this is gonna be fucked up sounding. I already know. How fucking uncomfortable is this what you said? Because I'm gauging, I have an idea. What I know is I love about your body.

How it's so not perfect. Like, you said, yeah. Yeah, of course I know. Because there's like, whatever the flaws are, I find sexy. Like, but so, but here's the deal. And I'm talking right now to a 25 year old dude, a 30 year old dude who's like,

starting to do good life, got aspirations and thinking what I need to fill out my fucking resume of life, what it's gonna look like when I'm 50. So for me to be happy is I need the baddest bitch is in that resume. I'm top sales. I'm eating good. I'm eating clean. I got a good group of friends. I got a nice car. I got an apartment condo. I'm I'm I'm crewing money in that condo. Got a great stereo system. I got shit dialed in. What I need a bad mother fucking bitch. Yeah. I want to I want to check that other

dudes are like, who fuck yeah, right? Here's what's, here's the flaw in that. What you, what you gotta do is load your expectations and say, this is what I can get. What's the best of what I can get? Like what's the thing, the hidden thing? I said, Leanne, I love your body. And Leanne is not a fan of her Her own body and like she just is like I could do this do that

And I said and there's and this is so fucked up But when I get Leanne naked It's like a secret like she doesn't show that to everyone right because there's vulnerability there Sure, so when I do get her naked and she cuts loose and this bitch is been cutting loose lately It is it's like she's trusting me with a secret. Yeah, and and when I heard I thought I was in a brown nipples, right? Like I thought brown nipples were the fucking key to life Lance got pink nipples and they're fucking Pink nipples are a secret like when you see pink nipples and they're fucking, Pink nipples are a secret. Like when you see pink nipples, you're like, you're like, oh, this is sex.

Brown nipples, you pull those out in a beach in Brazil, everyone sees them, you're like, yeah, okay, brown nipples. They're not bad, but Right, whatever. It's like brown nipples don't they can you can whip them out of the bar a bar Her her nipples are nipples that people don't just show all the time because they're kind of hot and sexy. You know what I mean? Like, it's like, I don't know. But my point is, and I kept saying this to her, I got what I wanted because I wasn't willing to expect it much.

Leon's going to hear this and be like, and be living with me. But like, I know I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, Yeah, you don't need. Trust me when I say there, I don't, first of all, I will say I have to say this. I don't know if I would be where I am without, without, uh, Liam. I would, so like, I can't look at my life and go, imagine if I just plugged that chicken. I don't think I'd have it. I don't think there's a lot of chicks that would be like, no, no, no, no, this is my guy. The guy that drinks himself blind on a plane, shows up, phones in him with our kids, passes out, wakes up, doesn't know where he is. And it's like, I think I shit my pants.

Like she, I don't think there's a lot of chicks that would settle for that. But Leanne did the same thing I did. And was like, this guy is good. He's self-correcting. He loves the fuck out of me. And that's the key. It's like, I wish we could articulate that more

to young men would go, you know that chick that you dated during the summer who had a great sense of humor and you could go to Target with and you could laugh nonstop with. That's the one you want. That's the one you want. You want to be in a target with a chick and just be laughing at stupid shit. Not the chick that goes, are we shopping at Target?

Yeah, no. And that's, you don't want that chick. No, the great, like I was lucky in that I dated, I dated like great girls, like even from high school through college. Like if it was longer than a few weeks, it was because you could go to target or just sit around do nothing

because that's really when you vibe with somebody that you have that. If the person is like, what are we doing here? And asking you to kind of like be someone you're not, then that's obviously not for you. That's not a good relationship. There's so many times that people look at what they have and think and they judge it by what other people think they have.

Yeah. So like if, if, if, if, if it's a car, right? Say you just love a fucking civica. A civica, civica, civica? Civic. Civic. Say you love your civic. You love your civic.

But then as you pull up in your civic, people say things about your civic and you're like, you're like, it's, it's good car and they're like, okay, and then they get in their Jaguar. Well, Jaguar is break down at a alarming rate. Yeah. Okay, and that's every other chick as a Jaguar. But if you love your Civic, then go,

you know, I love my Civic. This is a bad Civic. And as we told the end, you're like, you know what? You're my Civic. You're my Civic. Yeah. You're my Honda Civic. Put that on a card.

Yep. You're my Honda Civic. Yeah. And I am your station wagon. There you go. Dude, people forget how great station wagons were. Station wagons were the shit. It was it's kind of sad hard. Well, car's Christina. Can I tell you what car she is? Oh boy. No, I know what car she is. I think she's a

Jetta. I think she's a Jetta. Now that was one of her's. She loved. That was one of her cars. Yeah. I got to take back the Leant Civic because that's not so bad, but Christi, can I tell you what Christine is? Do you remember the Mercedes or die gave you?

Yeah, the old bad ass car. It was old SL 500. And if you know shit about cars, you know how bad ass that car is. The car is rad, dude. It's a bad ass car. It's a bad ass fucking car. And by the way, the funny thing you pointed out,

she fucking loved that thing. It's a bad ass car. My dad had one of those cars. It's the fucking hottest car. I remember in that era, because that was late 90s, seeing those and just being in awe, because that's what an effort like Derek Thomas had a SL500. I was late 90s, seeing those and just being like in awe,

because that's what like, NFL, like Derek Thomas had a S.L.5. I think it was like the badass part. It was the baddest fucking Mercedes ever made. Yeah, I fucking love that thing. And yeah, she loved that one. Leanne is, okay, Leanne, you're not a Civic, okay? Yeah, because she's not gonna get that.

She's gonna go like a Civic? Well, she's like a Raptor. You know what she is? She's a, now hold on, not renovate it. She's a four bronco, like a 68. A 68 bronco. Like the fucking cool ones of people are refurbishing. Yeah, yeah, rest of my life.

She had to refurbish her. I mean, so fucking awesome. You went into a bunch of new interior. New interior, new exterior. Yeah. She's up to me though the day. You know what, I wouldn't mind. She's been to me the other day. You know what, I wouldn't mind, she's gonna kill me for saying this.

She was, she's never talked about pie surgery. She goes, I'll tell you what, I wouldn't mind. I wouldn't mind getting my eyes done. And I go, and I did not realize what I was saying. And I looked at her and I go, that's where you'd start. And she went, what? And I was like, I'm just saying like that,

that's where you'd start. Oh, like I just set it on. Yeah, Leanne's a Bronco, because like, yeah. She's like badass. Like when you see it, you're like, oh, that's a cool car. But it's a little bit of a beater right now. But like, no, but no, but I got dammit,

I'm fucking this up. She's all terrain. She's just, yeah, you can, she's like. Off-roader for sure. On the weekends, fun is fuck, right? Take the top off on the weekends, fun is fuck. But like, when you get in her, you're always safe. The seat belts are just lap belts.

When she away, her skull work. Sometimes when you turn her on, you gotta, I had that in a fucking special, I think. But Leanza Bronco. That's very good. Leanza, what do you think you are? I'll tell you what I am. Okay.

I'm a Model T. Like the 1930s, I, whatever. I never crude in value exponentially. Oh, that's very good. Like I think when she got me, she was like, what the fuck am I supposed to do with this? It doesn't even start.

Yeah. And then, and then all of a sudden, someone's like, I think she probably saw other chicks walking by going. Yeah. Hot. Damn, you have a Model T. And then it's like, is it good? And they're like, is it good? And they're like, fuck yeah.

It's on an arena tour. She's like, oh shit, I better fucking shine my Model T up. Yeah. I better take care of this Model T or this Model T. We'll start fucking porches. She hasn't realized I don't want a Porsche. Right, you want a Bronco. I want a Bronco.

I want a Bronco. I want a Bronco. I pull it Bronco. I want a Bronco. I pull her up to Valet and I'm like, you can park it anywhere you want. No, it's gonna happen to it. She's gonna be so fucking mad when she hears this. Of course. Anybody, any reasonable person.

First of all. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha You think push is gonna be happy that she's a former Sadie's? I think she'd love that. Yeah, she'd love it. Yeah, it's a European, but she is, she loves that actual model. We were talking about, we were in our friends house, their friends were Asian only because food's important to them, like they're really like in food and they were talking about their relationship.

And what I was trying to say was was I should use this as a bit. What I was trying to say was being married to Leanne is like, like they were talking about what dish your wife would be. And I said being married to Leanne would be, it's like salmon. Like, it's really good for you. It's really good when done right. You can dress it up with a lot of shit. It's really fucking good, but all she heard was salmon

and at the end I like salmon. So she's like, I ain't salmon. And I was like, no you are, like it's, I could be salmon every fucking night. I mean, not a goody salmon. Especially if you, if they crust the skin on top with a little sea salt, it's so simple and it's so fucking good.

So simple and it's amazing. Of course, you can over cook it and it'll be dry as fuck sometimes. I cook it and it'll be dry as fuck times. Sometimes, sometimes it'll be getting on the plane. You're like, I'm gonna get sick. Yeah. And then Leanne, real quick goes, well you're a turducking.

You look good on paper, but you ain't right. She's like, you're real complicated. Everyone's like, ooh, turduckins here, can't wait. And then you're like, wait, is that three types of foul in that? Ugh, I don't feel so good. I want something else. I was like, that's the funniest thing she's ever said. Yeah, you kind of are it's her ducking.

What do you think you'd call? What do you dad dice? I think about this a lot. I think about a lot. I think like when I get phone calls from like my dad's office, I go, oh fuck, it's on. I think like when I get phone calls from like my dad's office, I go, oh fuck it's it's on Seemed pretty good health now Yeah, he's got he's got hip surgery coming up. Okay

He almost died. He almost died recently. I remember this. Yeah I don't know I'm probably gonna be alone. I probably wanna be alone. I wanna, I was alone. I was alone. I mean, not immediately. I was alone. Here's what I was alone. I was alone the night before,

and I knew it was on the horizon. Yeah. Yeah. I remember, I think I definitely made a couple of phone calls. I definitely talked about it, but I was pretty selective. I'm probably the wrong person to call when your dad's

about to die, so I'll just pivot and tell you my story of my dad. Probably, yeah. It's probably why I didn't call you. But I, no, I really appreciated the calls that I had that I did make, and then the next day I was with family. And then, yeah, I mean, then everybody came out, you know, funeral stuff.

So, I remember I think of the thing your dad told you before he died all the time. His life goes on, buddy. Yeah, life goes on. Yeah, I think of that. I think of that. Probably once a week, I think of that. I think about it too.

It's true, it goes on. Yeah, because sometimes I'll think like oh What if I die right now or today and then that quote will enter my head I'll be like yeah the world goes on. It's crazy that I just take this podcast over and make it mine One bear one cave Just solo and I'll do what I'll do is I'll use found footage of you Yeah, or backlog of footage of you and continue with you Just listening. Oh, and I just have me like nodding stuff. Yeah nodding and I'll have you start sentences

Yeah, and then I'll just cut you off. Yeah, that's pretty cool. Can we do that guys? The day Tom dies. I think you already do we do a what What was that? I was gonna say I think that's pretty much how the show already goes, right? Wow turn your mic off the Where the fuck's in a dog when you need him? He's on the front lines actually. What? Yeah, he flew back to fight. Are you being serious? No.

Oh God. What are these just blocking bullets? No. No. No. I wonder two things. I wonder if I'll go straight to a bottle. You know? No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. and then it'll rear its head one fucking ugly evening. Yeah, that's how it works. Well, yeah, I mean, it works differently for everybody. Some people are really in the moment grieving their hardest and then some people, and it just affects you over time.

I mean, it still affects me. It's just like it affects you when you don't expect it to. That's the thing is you can't really control it. Really? Yeah, like situations, someone you talk to, something that's the thing is you can't really control it. Really? Yeah. Like situations, someone you talk to, something that's those things you think about, something you say, something somebody else says. Like the grief affects you, everybody differently. That's crazy. Yeah. Yeah. It's, uh, so wait, wait, where am I on the call sheet?

I guess it'll be number one, but it'll be quick. Yeah, quick one. Yeah, I'll be like, Hey, it happened. It'd be like, I'll talk to you later. Click. Okay. And then I'll probably just go into some cave time and just disappear. I've thought about disappearing. So, you know, so for crazy when I was at my like wildest when we were, you know, this last year and I was the heaviest and drinking hard and really going out and getting after it, I thought about disappearing all the time. Like this Dave Chappelle, go to South Africa,

I thought about it all the time. It'd be nice, right? Just, I don't have that feeling at all. I love being present right now. I love like being dialed in. I love that, I love that I love this and I know that it'll go away again. I love that I love that I love this and I know that it will go away again. I know that I know how my I operate.

Yeah. I know I'll gain weight back. That's how it always works. I'll fucking get after Thanksgiving. I'll be like, fuck it. But I love being present. I love getting up and feeling good and feeling like going like, oh, let's go to the gym.

Let's, let's, oh, I'm gonna write. Like this morning I got up and I wrote and I was like, I watched your promo video where you skateboard with Tony Hawk and I was like, oh, I'm gonna write. Like this morning I got up and I wrote and I was like, I watched your promo video where you skateboarded with Tony Hawk and I was like, oh, it's so inspiring. Like I love, I love, you know, what I loved about that, your video today and it's a little late so everyone's probably already seen it, but it's the one

where you skateboarded with Tony Hawk and you end up hurt. I love, love that I saw that and I felt inspired. That is the coolest fucking feeling that I saw that. I went, fuck, that's good. First person I texted with you, I said, I love your new promo. I love that because when I see good promo, like Shultz did a great set of promo. I was with his father. Fucking monster square gardens.

I mean, that one broke me up. That was fucking. That was great.. I mean that one broke me up. Yeah, that was fucking that was great And it was but I I didn't text shults. I think see you probably get so many of those But I text him throughout the time whenever he does something like that kind of like like his Toronto promos were great Yeah, but I love that I inspires me as opposed to gets makes me shitty Like I'm that's a healthy response. There's people that see that and I'm like a fuck him. Yeah. Oh fuck Oh fuck I got a tour. I got a promoter. I love people that see that and they're like, oh fuck him. Yeah. Oh fuck, oh fuck, I got a tour. I got a promoter tour.

I love that it inspired me and I got up. I went down, I got a coffee, sat in my room, and I started writing, just writing, because I'm trying to get this new hour. So I'm like, I don't have it yet. And so I texted my daughters. I was like, I'm missing a story out of this special. I need a story.

Like, what story is good? And they always keep saying the same ones, but I'm like, nah, they're not like fucking there yet. And so like, but I love that it inspired me. And I'm like, I'm getting into the gym. I'm gonna go to the gym. I'm gonna go, oh, we got a big night tonight. We got a party.

Like, I love that that's where I am, as opposed to the feeling. And I said this today when I went to the gym at the hotel, I always did that. I said, do you know how many, and I said this today when I went to the gym at the hotel I always did, I said, do you know how many times I got into this gym hungover? And I just said, I would love you to just disappear to Paris for fucking seven days. No one knows where the fuck I go. Go to a hotel room, fucking sleep for like three days,

start drinking white wine, get in a car, disappear into the countryside. Like, it was so crazy that I was literally, that I would have those thoughts when I'd come here, and I would be like, it's so bizarre. Mm-hmm. I thought about disappearing a lot. I think I'll probably disappear.

Oh, I guess I'll go to the funeral, and then I'll disappear what my dad does. Yeah. Do something crazy. How have people worried about me? Make it about me. You know what I mean? It's on brand. Yeah. Okay. By the way, I have to tell you. Yeah. Out of all the podcasts we've done in this studio, this is my favorite one we've ever done. Really? Yeah. Yeah. This is, this

is, I don't know why, I just really, I feel very present and connected to you. It's good. Yeah. I like it. I like it a lot. Do you notice a change in me? I mean, I have noticed a change since, I mean, I don't get to see that often. So we, we text and we talk sometimes, but I mean, physically definitely notice a change. Like it's, it's, it's good. And you need an amazing how my body just rebounds. That like I look physically, physically gorgeous.

Like I'm 25. Yeah. Like, oh my first 25. But my body, like abs are showing up, my fucking arms are cut. My chest just fucking taught. Tott, I did 50s, I did 50s for strict press. 12 times four times today.

What? Yeah. 50 pounds on each arm. Strict press. 12 times four rounds. Okay. I'm fucking amazed myself. Do you ever see the scene where Bruce Willis in that movie where he's the superhero, where

his son keeps putting weight on the machine and they're in the downstairs and it's quite all breakable you ever see an unbreakable yeah yeah when Bruce will find out that he's a superhero and his son's just putting more on the rack and then he goes I can't I'm gonna get hurt and he's like dad try it and he just keeps lifting more weight that's what I feel like every fucking day every day and I know I'm God damn it. Let's give it, let's get it. Ugh. Look at this. Look at that fucking Jesus gorgeous. God damn it, the skin is so... Oh.

Do you think that there's someone that knows I'm a little bit joking? But then everyone knows, I think he's kind of serious. Yeah. They kind of go, he's kind of serious. But Jesus what I'd fix. Go front energy James Go edge during edge in you that's his name. I call him edge. Yeah, I get I get implanted all golds

Yeah, all gold that's tight you should do it fucking badass never out the question again Yeah, clean up the rest of the toilet with the gold fronts At least put on like the you you know, grilled piece, yeah. We should get grills. It's very doable. For real? We're in Texas. Let's go ahead and Paul Walla.

Paul Walla. Yeah, I do it. Let's do it, man. Hey, great episode Tom. I love you. I love you too, man. We'll see you guys next week. Bert and Tom, Simon Bert.

One goes top and swat the other, where's the shirt? Tom tells stories and birds the machine There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep the clean Here's what we call, two bears one cave you