A New Untold Story - A New Untold Story: Ep. 253 - The Virgin Cuckold

Episode Date: August 27, 2021

|| A New Untold Story: Ep. 253 - The Virgin Cuckold || First & foremost Kyle apologizes to all of you, in the form of a fuck-a-fan contest. Then we discuss farting on the subway, KB's censored penis, the tale of Nick's virginity, our traitless homie, & sneaking into concertsYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, A New Untold Story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad-free on the grind. Yeahing just it was just last week the weekly basis is what is hard for me everything's hard about podcasting yeah if it was easy everyone would do it and everyone does everybody a lot of people like four times over yes there are people with four podcasts yeah i would argue that podcasting is easier than not podcasting at this point it actually is like the subconscious like feeling of productivity like you're you're actually accomplishing something even though you're not yeah because like everybody for the most part talks i mean you and i mean you didn't we were like seven but everybody talks i didn't have to why didn't you have to talk why would i

have to talk i wasn't in a position where i could succeed financially you i didn't have to talk i don't think you're maybe the worst human being for podcasting because you only talk when there's reason to i do why because what is the point of conversing if there's not like a cause and effect there's not like an an end goal or like that's end resolution don't tell me don't recount your day you don't like to me talk unless there was like an a to b so it's like what was you you only like what was the lesson you only why are you telling me about your day with no end lesson you just want to hang out with a bunch of asops yeah like some sons some prodigal sons so like so you left you left the house today did you come back

and learn a valuable moral lesson? That is like, that could transcend religion. That's actually not human of you just to like, oh, only talk to me if there is some sort of lesson. I need a lesson. You want the tale of Icarus every time somebody speaks to you. It doesn't have to be Icarus. But there should be like something that I learned from that. But you prefer Icarus than not.

I would. Too close to the sun that's right you got a joe you got a you were we're just racking your brain for an incest joke you didn't have one you didn't have anything off the top i didn't have anything right off the top do you no i this is actually the serious matter. I feel the need to apologize. Yeah, I think you actually should. I'll let you take the floor here. Yeah, other people told me I should feel the need to apologize. You don't feel bad?

No. At all? I guess last episode I made a comment that was supposed to be sarcastic. I insinuated that all of our female listeners and my female Instagram followers were ugly. Wait, by insinuating, what do you mean? I said they were ugly. And I did not know that she was going to take offense

and DM me about it. The one female listener we have? No, I honestly, yeah, that was supposed to be um like a social experiment slash joke where i would see if i did have any female followers or listeners and it would come out after i made that statement that was a social experiment yeah but i think it came off it was it came across yeah it's caustic and cruel and poor taste very poor taste and so did you even apologize yet no but i feel bad and wow that was cathartic to feign to feign emotion what are you going to do to get back in the good graces what can i do i there's one thing he has to do uh-huh uh owen if

you're with me here he's got to do a fuck a fan contest yeah okay but I'm just trying to think of like how you choose it would be the hottest I would choose the hottest at random the hottest at random I would pick the hottest and at random I would pick her and okay yeah it'll be

the fuck a female fan fiesta in Fort Lauderdale Florida wow the first Friday of February. Okay. I think that's February 4th. Feel free to fact check. Oh, fuck you. Yeah, and that's free fornication

for one female fan with a 5'5 fetish. Off the dome alliteration. Fucking for sure. Okay, so we'll put out a... And they get the t-shirt that's the acronym of what that just was yeah it'll be yeah it'll be at permante brothers and there's there's no double f restaurant that's where i drew the line because i actually

legitimately wanted at the permante brothers in fort lauderdale. Okay. So, and you're being dead serious. Dead serious. If you are the hottest female listener. We'll fly you out. Well, you'll fly her out to where? Fort Lauderdale. Oh, yeah. I'm assuming she's from there. I'm just assuming. No, no.

That's where the event is taking place. Okay. You'll fly her out to Fort Lauderdale. No, no. Any of the girls who want to be a part of the challenge or the competition can meet me in fort lauderdale and then i'll pick at random the hottest the hottest and yeah okay yeah and you're 100 i don't i can't stress this enough you're serious about it yes i feel like i have to i feel like i owe them that yeah you'll repay all of them by fucking the hottest yes at random

can't stress that enough it'll be at random i kind of have uh you're like an odd guy you're a weird guy you you just were talking about how you don't converse okay you did a weird move uh on the subway station the other day. When I scuffed the guy's shoes? No, this was the day before. It was me and you standing on the platform on 14th. Okay. Oh, you farted.

There was a very loud fart. That was weird of you to fart. No. The air down there is so stagnant and warm. It's already farty. It's already fart. It's more fart than air down there is so stagnant and warm it's already farty it's already far it's more fart than air down there there was a fart and you put your ears perked up and when your ears perk up it looks like in lord of the rings when like goth mog comes out of the muck but uh that's a reference i wouldn't

expect you to get it all oh yeah poor Poor me. How disgusting and repulsive. He didn't get that, whatever, Lord of the Rings. Anyways, there was a fart on the subway station. You keep saying it as if it wasn't you. Just say you farted. You can't admit that. There was a fart near us. And your ears perked up and you traced it to the

source and you went okay it was me it was for me and for my butt and you went and just stood behind me right after i farted that was weird okay i feel like i fled the scene no you sprinted towards the beeline towards your ass yeah you did yeah because i wanted to test out it's like just like when when there's like a pool or like a body of water that's like people are saying oh that's very cold you're like all right i'm gonna dip my toe in it and test it out but it was a you dipped your toe in my fart i assumed it would be very stinky so i dipped in and little stinky you'll get used to it no just got go right in it'll be easy then i fully yeah now you'll get used to it if you just go right in you don't have enough testosterone to

produce a stinky fart what and i didn't know i was right there was no that was yeah it was more of a social experiment. Another social experiment. Odorless. You also, in the hallway yesterday, didn't have to fart, but you really just felt like it. You forced one out. And it was weird. Why? You are so deprived of men and guy humor and antics and sports references and locker room camaraderie. It's far for the course.

Far right now. I'll laugh. Oh, God. I'll laugh. Did you hear it? No. No, I can't. Was it that little snap? No, if you play play it back you can hear the snap

i think i heard a little play it back it was a little tiny snap yeah is that is that what your fart sounds like it's a little snap you used to be a master wordsmith kyle i used to read your blogs i would stay up late for them to come out it was it was so much fun i would laugh and get fun now you just do uh jester sounds it works better i love that you you have zero idea what a jester is okay because it used to be i honestly don't remember your old jester sound my old jester oh yeah okay i'm a king you're conditioning me i'm a king a medieval king i'm here with like my child bride we're sitting is the jester like like juggling around the king uh i'll bring you in front of marble cake what nothing i'll bring you in front of me. Marble cake. What? Nothing. I'll bring you out in front of me. You'll be like 12 feet in front of me and make me laugh.

Jester, what do you do? Woo-hoo! Yeah. It worked. I guess that worked. Hold on, hold on. Try again. No, I'm not doing a song.

No, I'm the king. I need to make the king laugh? Yeah. You better bring out your best guns. If you need to make someone laugh immediately you don't tell a joke what do you do you can you kill yourself you come close as close as possible so what you just start you just like bang your like head off the wall that would be a laugh that's what's gonna get like in an immediate scenario smash your head

into the table no i used to do that when vine first came out all of my vines and i i didn't have an iphone so i only had an ipad so i would need wi-fi so i like search far and wide for wi-fi and then just make vines of me and it was hard because i like it's a big ipad and i have to like hold it with find a way to grip it perfectly and hold down the record button and i would just like smash beer cans full beer cans off my head or just fall down the steps or like just run into a wall really yeah or just like lip sync uh michelle branch are they can these be found? No, they're all... There's a few that are still up, like me kissing the old woman. Yeah, I knew it.

That's the only one who... In the Pepsi bottle. Yeah, in the Pepsi bottle. No, that one's just a screenshot. It doesn't exist? Can you see your penis at all in that? Because you jumped down naked in front of it. You're completely naked, are you not?

In the vine, yes, but that's gone. They just have the... But can you see... Was the camera not good enough? You couldn't... No, the camera was perfectly fine fine and i was nude right in front of it you can't see my penis though my penis is like um it's like a chameleon it's an it instinctively uh censors itself whenever i show it to anyone where is it yeah what does it look it just is you hold it and it just looks like your hand it looks like your palm yeah you know my penis just looks like my palm you'd be a

phenomenal japanese porn star yeah i know yes built-in sensor so you couldn't like draw your penis not from memory i would just have to assume. What are you going to assume about it? I would assume from other penises I would generalize. Kyle, why don't you sing me a tune? The fuck a female fan challenge will be a challenge.

It'll be more like some type of like mensa level illusion puzzle yeah yeah oh my god um kyle can you sing me a little tune a little tune yeah um just really anything ever no because you put me on the spot you know you know i'm good at some songs some genres and bad at singing burn by usher deep down you know is best for yourself but you you at home might like this song but maybe not from kyle's voice you can go right to amazon Music to listen to it. Amazon Music has more than 10 million free podcasts.

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Renews automatically. Cancel anytime. Terms apply. Nick, do you want to apologize for anything? What would I apologize for? I talked about how good that felt. What would I ever have to apologize for?

I don't know. Didn't someone shit in your pants? What about my first day of high school gym class? Okay, so someone shit in your pants. Someone egged you yeah why would I have to apologize after getting rejected for

homecoming and somebody like intercepted your virginity loss oh okay so those are three options why would I have to apologize this is not about apologizing I'm trying to make you tell one of the stories oh yeah somebody has to apologize so I was a senior in high school I was a junior This is not about apologizing. I'm trying to make you tell one of the stories. Oh. Yeah.

Because somebody has to apologize. So I was a senior in high school. I was a junior in high school. I was a junior in college. I was a junior in high school and there was this girl. She went to another high school, a Catholic high school. Yeah. You could probably assume the girl.

I would not have been her first but she went she thought i was cute okay and so my other buddy josh was like hey i'm i'm house sitting for my dad divorced parents uh bingo bingo yeah we're gonna have her over and the plan was we're gonna drink and then i'm not this is him saying this he would pitch uh that we play hide and seek okay i've never like i didn't know like sex was that fleshed out for me it was you had a full blueprint i had a full yeah and you're like your friend was on board he like helped write it yeah he was the maestro and it was me josh and my friend cleveland um we text her she came over we have all been drinking uh i forget what the drink of choice was back then pinnacle whipped it was pinnacle

uv uh oh oh three olives loopy with mixed three olives dude mixed with oh dude mixed with mountain dude yeah live wire yeah and then like uh whiteout. Do you remember the big two liters of generic Red Bull called Rhino? No. Yeah, we were chasing with Rhino. And he pitched it. Worked out fantastic. He pitched it to her? No, he pitched like, hey, we should do hide and seek.

And I was like, yeah, I guess that would be really fun. And so the plan was I would have an easy hiding spot under his dad's pool table my ankles sticking out he um he might as well been in a fucking ghillie suit he had the best hiding spot ever like it was like behind this coat rack but the coat rack was like shaped exactly like his silhouette it was perfect and my boy cleveland just went outside shaped exactly like his silhouette it was perfect and my boy cleveland just went outside wasn't going to be found he's a real one yeah he's real yeah you got this so we're like you count first

we'll hide so the girl is counting so what was what the plan was she was going to come down find me first i was going to kiss her and oh were you guys even hitting it off beforehand yeah we had texted like a couple weeks before she was into me okay all right um and then he was just like one thing will lead to another that's how it goes because he was a he was a fucksmith back in the day my boy josh i know who you're talking about yeah uh yeah i know he has a kid right we're not just speaking to one another he has two kids other people are gonna hear this you're looking at me all right so what you know my bad Sue me for thinking that the person you're looking to is the receiver of the conversation. Nick, explain a podcast. Yeah, I got it.

I feel like I have to explain what a podcast is. Okay. So she counts. She comes downstairs. Very obviously sees me. Yeah. Walks like around the pool table and around my ankle sticking out. She's playing cute.

Like she's flirtatiously missing you. She beelines she found josh who had the best hiding spot and so he just went along with the plan and grabbed her started kissing her and i just heard it i heard like their tongues smacking against each other and then he threw her on the pool table and they started fucking while i was hiding underneath of the pool table and then cleveland came in i just i just remember cleveland walks in he goes whoa and just walks right back out and i was just under there you were under there the whole time yeah i i've i'm actually i heard that that happened but just hearing the story is so so sad i know yeah it's not funny i mean oh and is that even a little bit funny?

No. Cleve, hey, I'm recording the podcast. Don't say any names, but we're talking about yours and mine and Josh's idea for me to lose my virginity. Okay. Do you remember what happened at his house when we were playing hide and go seek? Oh, God, yeah. Don't say her name. Don't say her name. But what happened? All right. right no names let's do this you could you could just

be very general of how it ended how it ended yes uh you were hiding under a pool table yeah from them he ends up fucking the girl on top of the pool table yeah all right thank you all right thank you. Alright, thank you. Yeah, I won't either, Cleve. Alright, man, thanks. Oh, man. I take it back when somebody else says it. It's very funny. Yeah, I guess.

You gotta start telling that. Would Josh admit it? Josh doesn't pay his phone bill. he just has a different number every time i text him so he would gladly she she's she's married we're not gonna insert her into this yeah i don't blame her by any means wow yeah so that was like the even like if you like really delve into it it's more sad because they had that was premeditated by them behind your back do you think she found this ridiculously hard hiding spot and then they instantly fucked on the pool table and she was walking around your feet she knew exactly where

you were she knew you were under her getting fucked i was cuckolded i was a virgin cuckold which i don't think that's a thing um you have to have sex and be like oh i prefer watching yeah yeah a virgin i'm the first virgin cuckold yeah you jumped right into a weird i think like solely hearing it is way worse than just than just seeing it straight up they knew you were there she knew because wasn't it his idea yeah it's his when you just hear it it's it's pure sex when you see it like you can see how like gross and awkward the awkward they are but when you just hear it's like they're oh he's yeah he's rocking our world yeah god damn he had a girlfriend at the time, too.

Oh, man. You're a funny guy now. Yeah, that's probably why. I was like, I'll get them. I'll be fucking funny. I'll be funny then. It's your origin. I'll be slinging Hello Fresh. Oh.

No, even more sad, if you want to get into that, you were funny at that time. I was. You were probably just killing it with wit. Oh, punch lines and like expert level comic jokes in like beyond my years. You were probably at the peak of your joke telling with her that night. Oh, I was still. Fuck.

Josh, who is illiterate. Josh is illiterate. And I'm not even joking and he talks like he is coming off of a helium hot he does oh now i need you to call him because he does if he get because that's how he talks so it's been a while i josh uh got into drugs he's he's clean now but uh he he you, fiscally doesn't... His phone number changes all the time. But there was this radio station for...

Wait, what was the word fiscally? Can you describe there? He, money, monetarily, like, doesn't pay his phone bill. He's... Oh, I thought you were saying that's how he got off drugs. He couldn't afford them. No, no, no, no. But...

That'd be dope. He has the most distinct... That's how you got off, like, the strongest drugs in the world. was gonna say poor yes you're like i'm not gonna resort to any tactics to score drugs there was this judge in wheeling running for mayor and he was known for his drug court and he's very fair and he sends you to these very nice rehabs to get clean in our town and he his radio for running for mayor it was just like let's say his name was judge harris i'm not going to say his actual name but uh it had all of the testimonials anonymously of like people that went to his rehabs they're like we're not saying

their names because we want their privacy it's a radio commercial but josh has the most distinct voice in the world so it's like all these like yeah like judge harris really saved my life i thank god for him and then it's just like all these voices and you hear i'm really appreciative for drug and it's just like oh there's john but like thank god they didn't say his name just any person who knows him on even like a semi-personal level oh shit josh did drugs anybody's who's ever been behind him in line at a store is picturing who went to rehab. You're the guy that went to rehab. Hey, say the line.

He's just ordering coffee and people just know. Yeah. Oh, they know. They know. I guess it could be. It wasn't bullying. No, it was just a girl no it was like had the free will to

fuck whoever she wanted didn't pick you yeah I guess I'm actually a really fucked up person for complaining about this you get PTSD that's gonna be your manifesto it was mr teraney in the billiards room yeah that's my clue unfucked penis no wonder you ever you never want to shoot i'm just crying i was the first virgin cuck yeah

now i just like go to pool halls and lay underneath the tables and cry and just beat off. Picturing a 16-year-old you just ripping a cigarette in the corner of a hotel room just watching your girlfriend get fucked. Put it in that thing. The virgin cuckold doesn't know anything about sex. Yeah, do that. He doesn't know anything. They like when you

cough when you're inside. Yeah, go ahead and do that thing with your pee pee. He's like weathered and like wise beyond his years aside from sex. Yeah. Sophisticated sage

man. He has like the coolest demeanor like the guy from california yeah yeah he's a virgin yeah he's a virgin cock spit on her elbow you carry a newspaper yeah under my arm i'm like eating an apple with a knife and a doorframe yeah dude bite her ass yeah you're like like throwing the apple up to yourself, taking a cool bite. Yeah. Like you're really judgmental too. Yeah.

No, do that. Do that harder. You want to try that again? No, she likes it when you go off rhythm. Remember, finish as fast as you can trust me just mouth the alphabet with your tongue yeah but like your mouth isn't touching anything you're just fucking you're like mouthing the alphabet as you're like missionary that's what you that's what i thought i'm spelling my are you mouthing my name yeah do you like that i mean it's my name it's like a net

neutral it doesn't do anything for it doesn't and i'm not like annoyed by it it's not like displeasuring i guess it's kind of distracting to look at which is a good thing i get i want to be distracted from whatever that is do you have to fuck me with this teen boy in the corner why are you listening to him his leather you're hurting my pussy yeah it's his rules yeah you're really hurting my pussy yeah he says you'll like that pinch the side of her pussy

trust me move your hips left and right Yeah, ultra confident sex coach Who's never fucked himself But has heard enough I was relentlessly That wasn't bullying But I was relentlessly bullied You weren't relentlessly bullied Yeah, I was relentlessly. That wasn't bullying, but I was relentlessly bullied. You weren't relentlessly bullied.

Yeah, I was. No, you weren't. Kids were. Yeah. Yes. I didn't know you, but I knew you enough to know that you were in a circle and you were at a status where you weren't like the bullied kid. I wasn't invited anywhere. What does

that mean? You would chill with your friends. With Cleveland? It was my neighbors. Yeah, they still would. Does that count? Do neighbors count? Yeah, they didn't shun you. One of my neighbors was like the most spoiled kid of all time.

You know him. He was in my grade. Okay. I don't want to say his name. I'll say his first name, I guess. My mom won't give a fuck. Greg. He was your neighbor? Yeah.

Okay. And like, you know how like Christmas is the big holiday for us. For most people. Oh, and is Christmas your big holiday? Yeah, by far. he's from stewart manor probably not what you think it's jewish i thought i've just assumed it was predominantly jewish no okay christmas was the holiday but every holiday no matter the size was like this kid's christmas this is 100 true so we we would actually bully him because he was so all right to do well

no i'm not gonna make fun of him yet because on easter we would i would get an easter basket filled to the brim with candy and like no he would get like he has to i had i did uh my god father's rich and nobody else got gifts on easter and i got a sidekick holy shit yeah best easter ever no he would have the um oh the phone yeah I was like trying to like picture a little friend no he would like be excited for his like he would be like

come to school like all giddy and we were like Greg what are you so excited for he's like it's st. Patrick's Day Eve and his shot I was there like I went to his house on like a st.

Patrick's Day and they still had all their stuff or do you get a potato no he. Would he get a potato? No, he had like he got a potato and like a tiny penis. It's the best St. Patrick's Day ever. That's the smallest penis yet. No, he like he would wake up in the mornings and there would be like a trail of clovers and it would just be like as many gifts as Christmas.

Holy shit. It's pathetic. Yeah, it would be that he would have like on trail of clovers and it would just be like as many gifts as christmas holy it's pathetic yeah it would be that he would have like uh on a loose tooth he'd be like it's it's tooth fairy eve yes and there would be like a trail of like like they would do like baby powder of like dust like feet prints for like the tooth fairy and they'll be like christmas why jesus christ and they weren't wealthy do you know him now is he a monster so i think i he's this is the weirdest thing you could probably vouch he has no traits wait he's traitless i get what you mean but not really like he is traitless like if like if someone like describe him i besides what you said about like he has no characteristics no no no quality he's he's our trait he was my traitless homie everybody has one it's just like like i remember you added me on

facebook and i was just like why doesn't he have a profile picture it's just the gray silhouette and i was like wait that whoa that's him he is he is i don't know if it's possible for a human to be completely traitless but he was as far as you can get. Yeah. How does that work? Did you hang out with him? So like, I don't know.

No, maybe he could be here. Who's your traitless friend in the corner? I don't know. Well, there's somebody in the, like you couldn't see. He's like your penis.

You have a traitless penis. Is that what it is? My friend over there thinks you're cute and it's just a just a blank it's just a blank picture he's he's like blurry he's like he's like a any photo of a sasquatch he's just like it feels like there's vaseline under your lens he's just that he's an ether huh guile oh now he knows that that voice is you uh do you drink Huh. Kyle. Uh-oh. Now he knows what that voice is. Do you drink? Kyle? Run that back.

I got a good answer this time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no. Run it back. Run it back. You have a better answer to the yes or no question? Do you booze? I do, yeah. Heavy?

Yes. That was it. You wouldn't ever drive afterwards would you yeah even like after like uber became very shut the fuck up shut the fuck up uh today's episode is brought to you by the national highway safety traffic association do we score them damn it's labor day weekend bad the u.s department of transportation's national highway traffic safety administration or nhtsa is working together with the law enforcement community to decrease impaired driving kyle you want to think again is this an ad for the u.s government

yeah yeah we're sponsored by the feds during the 2019 labor day holiday period 6 6 p.m. to 5.59 a.m. September 3rd, 38% of fatalities and traffic crashes were involved. Involved a drunk driver in fatal crashes during the month of August over the five year period of 2015 to 2019. So 62% were sober drivers. Shut up. We can't. If we lose this sponsor. Yeah, we're fucked. I'm just busting their balls.

Just busting their balls. These guys love to play around. Among drivers between the ages of 18 and 34 who were killed in crashes over Labor Day holiday period, 46% of those drivers were drunk with BACs of 0.08 or higher. This is actually serious. That's right.

For more information about the DriveSever Get Pooled Over campaign visit... jeez they didn't shorten this www.traffic safety marketing.gov slash get hyphen materials slash drunk hyphen driving slash national hyphen motive motive mobilization slash peak this is hyphen enforcement hyphen kit that was like a whole exercise www. three times let's not do that kyle that's a downer of a uh of an ad but it's very serious and real yes is there any way we can get the listeners can you gesture for the listeners just like that i forget all about those fatalities thanks kyle i've told you guys the story of when i uh pretended to have special needs right wait you may have i got kicked out of a sammy adams concert at webster hall for being too drunk okay what year was this? Because you were young when Sammy Adams was peaking. Yeah, this was probably 2013.

I was like a freshman in high school. So I got kicked out for being visibly drunk, and then I cosplayed as a person with Down syndrome to get back in. Cosplayed? Cause is short for costume. Yeah. So what did you wear to pretend you had Down Syndrome? A silly face.

A silly face. Is that your reply to what I'm going to say? No, you're just going to say, no, that's a new untold story. Hey, is that story old or told? No, baby! That's a new untold story. A new untold story.

It's a fresh, big untold story. A new untold story.