A New Untold Story - A New Untold Story: Ep. 262 - Double Bison

Episode Date: October 28, 2021

|| A New Untold Story: Ep. 262 - Double Bison || Nick & Kyle discuss the Matrix, MySpace top friends, high school sweethearts, Charlotte's Web, the KBEAST challenge & much more || Full episodes and clips/sketches available on YouTubeYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, a new untold story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad free on Amazon Music. All right. We need some sort of catchphrase to start off the episode. I don't think so. I think the coolest way to start is like. Why don't you say it into the mic? Are you forgetting that we have to talk to mics?

We didn't start yet. I can't even. This is about to explode. Why are you about to we have to talk to Mike's? We didn't start yet. I can't even. This is what I'm about to explode. Why are you about to explode? No. No holds barred. You trying to capture that magic from last week?

No, I'm not. Because I was depressed last week. Now I'm just furious. You went from depressed to furious. I hate everyone else. Are you going through the stages of denial, right? Denial for what? I don't know.

We're in a factory of narcissism. Shut the fuck up. All right. Today's episode is brought to you by Dude Wipes. We use Dude Wipes. You should, too. You want to have clean asses like us? Well, you can.

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What are you doing right now? That's like the one qualm that people seem to have with dude wipes and it's not even a qualm. It's not a qualm. Yeah. No, I like like my upper thighs will be minty. Oh, okay. that people seem to have with dude wipes and it's not even a qualm it's not a qualm yeah no i like like my upper thighs just will be minty oh okay is that an issue for my upper thighs to be minty it's not it's a good thing we use dude wipes every time we poop um hard poops or soft uh use code anus15 at dudewipes.com uh for 15 off your order. Have that aardvark ass.

What's that mean? DW. The sister in the popular show, Arthur. Yeah. Dudewipes, DW. Aardvark ass. You know how Ziggy Marley sang the theme song of Arthur?

Yeah. I probably told you. You did. And it's not. Recently. Yeah, I love it. It's a fun fact. I recycle told you. You did. And it's not. Recently. Yeah, I love it. Yeah, it's one of. It's a fun fact.

I recycle two facts. I mean, that's your reply to what I'm going to say. No, you're just going to say like, no, that's a new untold story. Hey, is that story old or told? What? No, baby. It's a new untold story. A new untold story.

It's a fresh, big untold story. we went to the same what like cath like Catholic school, kindergarten, eighth grade, preschool, eighth grade. I mean, does it even matter? Because we continue to say that. And we have been for two years. And people are still like, oh, no, that it's not a bit. I'm wearing a shirt from it right now. My art smock for those watching on YouTube. For you poor listeners on Spotify, you are not able to see this art smock that I'm wearing. That's the benefit of the YouTube show.

Miss McGlumphy, our teacher. She was a short woman. Still is. I'd imagine she's still living, right? Maybe not. Damn.

I don't know. Yeah. All right. Um, but we went to the same school together and there was a girl in my grade that everybody had a crush on i don't want to say her actual name but i can't think of a girl's name because i'll i just what's giving a girl's name owen becky that's her name fuck um give me another one well she was rebecca but give it give another another one so we can we can use an anonymous name carol yeah carol so she was

like the prettiest girl in seventh grade and she yeah she looked like your she looked like your high school girlfriend the one you have currently erica yeah my high school sweetheart that i have right now um i thought that was like acceptable for a while i married my high school sweetheart we seth rogan popularized that high school sweetheart yeah and pineapple express yeah suppose he did they make that joke i think that they were trying to portray it as like lame and whack but i was like that's seth rogan yeah so it's fine yeah and she was like 19 they should have gone all the way um not sexual never mind um so this girl dm me like three days ago and uh she she's oh yeah she go ahead you haven't spoken to her since since eighth grade graduation yeah Yeah. So this girl, Carol. What was your graduation song?

Rebecca. Our graduation song was supposed to be graduation by vitamin C. And then we like revolted and we were like, no, we wanted to be time of our life by Green Day. And so that happened. But then our principal, a nun, Sister Kathleen, found out we bullied this girl. And she told on us. Ashley. Yeah.

Wow. Shut up. Yes, ashley we bullied her and so we had a meeting and our punishment was we our graduation song had to be god bless america it was you can't just say there is no one have to believe there is no one with within three degrees of separation from her or her loved ones that will ever catch wind of this podcast in any facet. So let's tell the fucking truth. Yes, that's who was bullied. I wasn't a part of the bullying that much. What do they call her? I can guess. Guess.

Nah. She was the only black girl in our class. She was. And her name was Ash. Okay. What'd they call her? Asley Fatley? I don't know why I said what they call her because i was part of that you were part of i coined that there was no one else in our school who had the the cognitive ability to come up with double puns what makes that a double pun assley fatley but you okay yeah her ass wasn't even that fat no and her last her ass was almost flat but her

last name was flatly and so you could have just done ass leave flatly yeah but you so you guys made fun of her lost your privilege of green day we lost our green day privilege and that's the last time you talked to this girl well i mean that was the same time but we weren't talking about that like the last time i talked to her but she was like the pretty girl in the class she had just gotten married like uh three weeks ago. Very, you know, posting everywhere, you know,

the picture, you know, that I got a DM from her and it was like, Hey, I'm going to be in New York city. And like, as soon as I see that bird man hand rubbing, like that's how it all starts.

It's always starts like New York. Okay. Yeah. I go, that's weird. If somebody's visiting New York city. Yeah. Well,

and she was like the, the person who I'm supposed to stay with, another girl that we went to high school with fell through. Can I crash on your couch for a couple of days? And first of all, your head probably immediately went to she wants to fuck me. It did. But then I was like, we shouldn't have. It's marriage. And then I was like, okay, but I'm still the man.

I got this DM. This girl is just like, yeah, I'm like, you know, and then I'm like, wait i'm still the man i got this dm this girl's just like yeah i'm like you know and then i'm like wait like oh the contrary i'm the opposite of the man like the husband first off there's that's she just dmg was like i'm gonna cry i'm gonna be in new york city can i crash at your place she said the person whose house fell through um so i need somewhere to stay i was like at first i was like oh like hell i didn't even i didn't even think of it sexually i was just like i'm the man and then i realized i'm not the man you're far from it because yeah you were you were trusted

so much as such a you were so devoid of a threat to her and probably her husband probably wrote that. Just got married. He was like why don't you ask that dude that you went to the 8th grade with. Don't you know of that dude? What does he think happens? I don't fucking want you staying with another guy.

Oh yeah ask Nick. He thinks the chances of her getting fucked are higher if she stays in a hotel than if she's with me. He's probably right. Oh, Nick? This guy doesn't know me at all. We've never met. He's not from around where we are.

And he was just like, yeah, stay with that guy. Stay with Barstool Nick. Am I that little of a threat to men that they think? Yes. Okay. You're presenting that way. Am I that little of a threat to men that they think when women are around me, it's like they're pussy-less?

Their pussies disappear like Neo's mouth in the interrogation scene. Mr. Anderson, how can you fuck if there's no pussy, Mr. Anderson? What does he say in that scene? How can you fuck if there's no pussy Mr. Anderson what does he say in that scene how can you speak if you have no mouth I don't I've never how can Nick fuck if you have no pussy yeah but that's like what I'm offended as fuck and I never responded to the message

but I kind of want to so what do you like what would it really be she doesn't want to pay for a hotel so i'm gonna ask this guy her and her husband have jobs a hotel is what like you could get one for like 80 bucks a night yeah that can't be an issue it can't be an issue if you're if you're going to new york city you can't afford to and new york city has a ton of people so she went from asking her very good friend who was in her wedding. And then the next in the chain of command was somebody who you got in trouble with in eighth grade because we were picking on Astley Fatley. That you're next. I'm next.

And like. How do I. It has to be it. And I don't. I think she just saw you as zero threat and that's zero dollars spent and you would just give in. You would succumb to any request. And she probably thinks like, oh, he'd probably give me the bed and he'd sleep on the couch. She'd probably listen to you. You're notorious for just giving in.

How so? Anyone who asks you – when's the last time you said no to a request? No, but I like all the requests I typically get. No, you don't. Yeah. Listen to me on out and about this week i talk about it oh man aren't you doing freelance work for trista crick's new logo free yeah oh man you carried a barbecue for liz yeah. No, I wanted to help her out. Oh, yeah. So we have a female coworker, Elizabeth, and she just asked you to walk with her to Home Depot and then carry the grill back. Yeah, it was the strongest one she saw. I'm the strongest.

What, you don't see me? You immediately said yes. Yeah. And you carried it and you probably had to take breaks to put it down and stretch your arms your arms out yeah and she hit me with a come on slow poke as i'm carrying a grill keep up slow poke yeah but no i guess i do say yes to every single thing and i need to get over that but then i'm afraid of you know what happens when i start saying, people start respecting me. Yeah. Honestly. But you don't say no. You say yes and don't do it.

I refuse to say no. You say yes and you. I say yes and I'm at a point where I don't even like make an excuse up at the very last second. You've been doing the thing where you ask what time and they tell you the time and then you acknowledge that time. You say, oh yeah, to the time. Yeah. It's a tactic because I never agreed to do whatever you said. Yeah. But like. they tell you the time and then you acknowledge that time you say oh yeah to the time yeah it's a tactic because i've never agreed to do whatever you said yeah but like i was like okay that time now but nobody expects you to ever show up and then an hour passes past that time and i'm like

oh shit are we still on you're a dickhead yeah but then when you show up it's an event every time that is in my other move what's your other you always show up you always you always show up if you if you are losing attention from the person that's inviting you wherever you are you leave without saying anything and you come back and everyone's like whoa there he is where'd you go legend go yeah and it works every time. When the girl's like playing her song on the aux or the Bluetooth, you shazam it. Secretly, and then you say, oh, my God, I didn't know you liked Sophie Tucker. And then that's another conversation. So when you were at the the Jersey Shore Beach House with Jeff D.

Lowe and like six girls, Jeff text me is like, OK, B, just left. And then they looked out the window and they saw you just getting tousled by some fucking waves alone. Well, that's an entirely different thing. What is that? I like to get pulverized by waves. That's the only childlike thrill that I still have.

You climb trees. I do climb trees. Is that not childlike? It's not as fun. As getting pummeled. I like to get pummeled by waves. Why? Does it make you feel small? Is that what you need to make you not as fun. As getting pummeled? I like to get pummeled by waves. Why? Does it make you feel small? Is that what you need to make you feel small? The ocean pushing you around?

Yeah, no, I like the feeling. You always, you like feeling big, actually, because you always walk us on that street in Financial District where all the plants are hanging low and you always complain about the duck. You're always overly ducking under shit. And you're just like like this is a fucking pain in the ass there's a lot of there's a lot of like El Salvadorian men there you are the tallest we have a picture of you being

the tallest guy on that block I'm Latin seeking they are they are short and they're I feel like they're getting shorter like over over the period of human existence yeah you always take first dates like next to open interviews for jockeys oh let's swing by this place swing by this place oh doesn't that place

smell like horse shit yeah but it's the charm yeah so what when you're around a shorter guy do you like acknowledge do you like give him the head nod do you thank him because quite often like in the friend group you're the you're the shortest not often you're not often the shortest one of the guys that go out i guess so it wasn't always the case what do you mean when you were hanging out with wrestlers yeah i was like a considered a medium height wrestler right Which is a real life. What? I don't know. Jesus.

Do we lose you? Yeah. You want to let some fury out? No. You don't have any bones to pick. I don't have any bones to pick. I have been just furious at everything Like what? Just everything

But why? I don't like anyone's motive Motives? Everyone's motive is out of whack Who has motives? Everyone has a motive What's my motive? It's to advance your career

And bring you up Yeah it is What's my motive? What's Owen's motive? Fucking Owen Isn't your motive to advance your career. And bring you up. Yeah, it is. What's my motive? What's Owen's motive? Fucking Owen. Isn't your motive to advance your career? No. We're not doing this.

You're the one that brought it up. We're not doing this. We're not making this another episode. I'm not making it another episode. But we're just having a conversation. That's all a podcast is. What's the point? Shut the fuck up. What's the point? Shut the fuck up.

What is the point? What is the point? We're talking and we have the luxury that when we talk, we get to put out a podcast. You can hear anyone talk at any given time. Yeah, that's just not true. That is not true. Library? There is an infinite amount of options to hear somebody else talk. Yeah, but people get invested in the stories. They like the way we tell stories. I don't think they do. There is an infinite amount of options to hear somebody else talk. Yeah, but people get invested in the stories.

They like the way we tell stories. I don't think they do. So we're just sounds in people's ears? I think we've established ourselves as people that they will listen to and consume and treat as somebody outside of their universe that they're interested in. But they don't care. Yeah, they care about joe owens joe does care joe owens cares too much good dude great guy great guy there was actually an uproar from last week um a lot of skinny men are coming out of their pantries i guess i would do the skinnier closet that's what you do. Skinnier closet. That's how you come out of skinny. They're saying that this guy that we shouted out as the skinniest

listener is not the skinniest listener. I believe that. I do too. It's not as simple as that. We have a lot of skinny boys. I was getting tweets about some skinny guys, but then I got a tweet that really caught me off guard. let me pull that up

while i pull that up why don't you do the second ad you don't have the second ad ready jesus what obviously i'm pulling it up right now all right i got it i already got the fucking tweet I got. What is the tweet? Nick Turaney apparently gets laid a lot. Are these women blind? Are they paid?

Are they slow in the head? Is he slow and they feel bad? I need answers because this guy ain't getting invited to the cookout. I don't want to let him walk my dog. I don't want to call him a freak, but freak. That was such a cornucopia of different themes and insults. So apparently he gets laid a lot. From what?

So no, A, no. The majority of people assume I'm asexual. There's zero evidence of you getting laid. It's never even been implied. No. Okay, so that was wrong. I've never even no never yeah so there are these women blind are they paid are they i get that i get that he's saying you

ugly he's saying you're ugly you ugly he's saying you ugly are you a cheerleader yeah what's that cheer what is the you ugly cheer u-g-.Y. You ain't got no alibi. You ugly. That's what you meant. That's some softball shit. I thought I was cheerleading. Yeah, I know. I was around the cheerleaders.

You were always around the softball girls. Wait, your first girlfriend ever. Bree. Yeah, she was a softball. She was a big softball girl. She wasn't a big fan of softball. She was a big softball girl. she wasn't a big fan of softball she was a big softball girl so her shape was a big softball she came and just like picked you up and was like

you're my boyfriend she did you were like i was terrified i was the timidest boy i was a sophomore and she was a junior so i wasn't like you know medically prepubescent, but I was. Yeah, you were. I had never even texted a girl. Right. Let alone kissed one. I remember she would fart in front of me. She would Dutch oven you. She would do guy pranks to me.

But you never decided to date her. She just decided for you. Yeah, she just told me. And she was bigger and wider and stronger she wasn't like a lot she wasn't a large pretty girl no she's pretty girl but she was she's all right she's brutish she was brute she's pretty though she was a savage yeah she was and she just decided one day that you were her boyfriend and i i loved is there any pictures of you two together yes i i need one really bad you know it's for those at home that want to get imagery of it what you know what her job is right now what she's an hvac repair woman

she went to like six she was meant for like the trade work yes she was like welding or blacksmithing she should have been a blacksmith yeah she absolutely should have and then i need because like you were a tiny tiny tiny high schooler like especially sophomore year you still look like a fifth grader and then she came and just was like you're you're my boyfriend she didn't have like a deep voice she did and then how long did you date her i remember i was pumped because like you got you had like your myspace top eight yeah mine was a struggle to fill yeah i had no you ended up like tom from myspace is my number one like i was doing like irony mine was bad i was edgy and i had like like ironic bands like i think a had Weird Al Yank of Hollywood Undead.

You had Hollywood Undead as your undead. Yeah. The whole thing was. Forever the sickest kids. You get a girlfriend and they immediately become your number one. Your number one. So I put her number one. And did she put you number one?

I was like 38. She had that many top friends? Yeah. My top friend. She had a 64 man. For those. This is not a shock to anybody that knows the slightest bit about me. My I had two, three visible friends and it was like my number one was Jack Skellington from A Nightmare Before Christmas.

And I was you know how like that was like all the like the girls I wanted to get with were wearing like the Jack Skellington fingerless gloves and shit like that. Yeah. I've never seen that movie. I don even what's the movie nightmare before christmas like a tim burton character yeah that's who he was yeah he was my number one and then the band afi was my number two modest mouse what no what was their song who's to know if you're so what is afi that's either and then you said modest mouse okay then what am i thinking of what is a murder miss murder modest mouse double m's alliteration and yeah that's where my brain's at and float on when it's not yeah and uh for my third i think was the girl i was dating at the

time but she broke up with me because i was too afraid to kiss her. I was in the same boat. Really? She aired me out on MySpace. What'd she do? She almost like, she had like a sidebar on her MySpace of her favorite people with like a blurb about them. And it was me. And she aired me out on it when she broke up. She was like, I'll be taking him off soon.

Ex-boyfriend. I still love him to death, but he was too afraid to kiss me. It was like... Her was uh chihuahua breeders and she just everything she had was covered in hair and smelled of chihuahua and i loved her i loved her so much her name was an alliteration which was nice she She's trans now, right? No, no, but she's still breeding chihuahuas. She's the chihuahua trans girl from our town.

The only one. One of two. Max. No, we had a couple chihuahua trans. We had, no, okay. That was a dachshund. A dachshund trans. Okay, we had one chihuahua trans girl present tense because at

the time she wasn't so she was a chihuahua girl but not trans right the dachshund girl was trans yes okay yeah they're both still doing well myspace was it really like hit home and like really let you know because before my space like the uh societal and social hierarchy with your peers was an abstract concept it was open for interpretation and that let you know really where you stood you thought social hierarchy was abstract at that point it could just be amount of friends right no like where you were like so that showed you hey like this guy who's your second best friend doesn't even consider you his top 32 best friends yeah you kind of got the point from there yeah yeah you're right and uh look at me now though oh this was just about you that's about

me so how many do you think there would be people that would throw you in their top friends now now yeah no i think i have less no i have no? Now? Yeah. No, I think I have less. No, I have less. I wouldn't be on. I have less friends now. I think that's normal. I just have stoolies calling me a 13 out of 10. We have to. We're going to have to bleep that.

I don't know if we do. It's verbatim. I get called. So I posted a whole lot. Well, I posted an Instagram story of me with Jordan's little tiny puppy. Doshend. So you knew I was pronouncing it wrong the whole time and didn't correct me. You get mad at me when I do correct you.

So I posted her Doshend thinking like I could, you know, this could get me girls in my DM. It's the easiest way. Yeah. No, it was just some guy calling me a 13 out of 10 we have to believe that it's oh i think it's open for pronunciation as well maybe it was a 13 out of 10 phagery well then just say that instead and let people we have smart listeners they can connect the dots that i got a dm once uh when people found out it was my birthday and this dude uh said uh wow we have the same birthday this is awesome and then he put like a uh and a hard return and enter hit the enter key same message

and he just called me the that the f slur just yeah yeah they're good wow we have the same birthday and that made that made me gay and honestly yeah kind of wait yeah like like probably one of the gayest things you can do is dm a guy and be like hey we have the same birthday and he was like nah he flipped it on you all the all the june 28th homies dm me let me know so i can avoid you. So do the second ad. Waterbird. Waterbird, Kyle. Someone just tweeted at me like today after the act. Stop staring at the ground when you speak on the yak, you bitch.

And that's the thing. Like, there is no right move. That is that is the life I'm sucked into. What is just getting messages like that? Yeah, because then you'll get all look how hard he is. there's nothing i can do i just have to take that why don't you wear sunglasses tomorrow on the it's not that i don't want to bend to his knee bend to his knee yeah i'm not gonna bend to this guy's knee because he's calling me a bitch and that's every single day and like there are people who are significantly more hated than me

and us yeah let's just so we're just in a we're in this factory of narcissism but do you blame them why because look at look at what we have to deal with do i blame the people making fun of us or do i what do you mean do you blame like people for like having breakdowns no no i don't i think it's perfectly fine it's just not something i would do i guess we can't i guess i'm not in the same boat as you what can i what could i reply to this guy the guy that said looking at the ground? Can I say commit suicide? I don't think so.

Fuck you! Grow up. Stop looking at me so much. Does this get to you? Not usually. If you were making eye contact with people, would they call you out? It's not about him calling me out for anything it's factly this guy can just call me but do you feel like the character that you've built

your entire life that's never opened people up to call me a bitch yeah i mean were you looking at the like i i don't oh yeah it's fine i'm playing in the character of oh yeah i am the autistic guy. And I welcome that. I think it's funny when people join in on it. But from an out, if I step away from all of that, if I remove myself from my life and use the point of view of someone who doesn't know anything about me, then I'm just, I'm the autistic guy on the internet. You're one of trillions. I'm the autistic guy on the internet. You're one of trillions.

Oh, this is the, this is an internet guy who, he has like fans, but they all call him autistic. Yeah, but that's the, I mean. It's a double edged sword. Yeah. I just said that hoping you wouldn't ask what the other edge was and you didn't. You, you are so, you love shit like that to where I can just respond with like, yeah you can't stay in the heat you're like yeah you're right i trust you i respect your opinion yeah so when you say something i just take it take it how it is yeah it's two sides of the same coin really murphy's law read the fucking water birds ad that's a damn good seltzer

is is it is it technically a seltzer is it how how have you been searching for it for the past 15 minutes do you know how to find it i texted it to you all right it's canned cocktail, and it's very good. It's better than the high noon. Nope. Try again. It's better than the true. No, so we're not technically in the ad, so you can joke about that.

Now we're in ad mode. No more jokes. Okay. It's better than like the RC Colos of the world. I guess so. All right. It makes high quality canned cocktails with real premium distilled spirits. Yeah.

Others don't. Some do. Waterbirds Ranch Water, which is a very appeasing name for the product. We all love Hidden Valley Ranch. We dip our pizza in it. At least us Midwestern boys. We dip anything in ranch. What region are we?

We're in the gray area. We're not Rust Belt. We're not Midwestern. We're not Appalachian. But we kind of are like a hybrid of all three. Okay. Waterbird. The ranch water is made with real premium Blanco tequila, sparkling water and real lime juice.

It's the ultimate refreshment. Yeah. And Waterbird makes their ranch water with real tequila. Yeah, you're good at this. It's not from sugar or malt like the others in the market. Look at the camera, bitch. I'm tired. Is that what you want?

You want me to look you dead in the eyes as you stare at your screen? Yeah, they want it to be like you telling them personally about this can. Okay. Well, it makes a delicious tequila margarita. Or you can just drink it straight uh the water bird tequila margarita is made with water birds real premium blanco tequila distilled in jelis jalisco mexico jay is usually silent there unless it isn't yeah yeah yeah um it's made with sparkling water lime juice triple second a pinch of Yeah. And you can taste that pinch.

No more mixing or measuring. Then you're doing math. You're doing chemistry. No more mixing. That should be a piece. Has that ever been a political stance? No more mixing. Yeah.

I think so. Oh, yeah. And this is actually one of my favorite drinks. So you can find them in a grocery store, a convenience store, a liquor store near you. No promo code. So your high school, your ex-girlfriend who you dated in high school, who was also in high school. Not my current high school girlfriend

who's in the National Honor Society. Is she? As of this past week. As of this past week. It took her how long? No, she got in early. She's one of the youngest inductees. That's why I'm so proud of her. So not your current girlfriend who's in high school.

Your high school sweetheart was in New York City. She was. And you guys are on good terms. You're friends. Yeah, we dated 11 years ago right so you're friendly yeah we're not like there's no there's no tension no yeah but you were on beast mode i was on beast mode i don't know what activated the smoothest you've ever been i don't know what activated it it was her being around i was walking to meet you guys at brunch i spilled a vial of kratom. All over you. All on my new blouse.

Don't you hate it when you get kratom all over your new blouse? I was pumped to bust out this new blouse for you. Because you're my boy. I have good blouses. And then these girls from my high school that I haven't seen in years. What was the blouse? It was a very simple gray, but it fit right. I did chest like that

morning did chest oh you did chest yeah it was fitting right spilled a vial of kratom smelled like pungent earth i was i can't i can't brunch with you guys smelling like pungent earth absolutely not the worst smell i think i'm buying the wrong kratom and i think it's like having like severe side effects on me why are you buying going through incredible mood swings i don't know if it's the kratom definitely the gas station this past few days it's been like just caged like unleashed fury like i'm just mad i broke my towel rack i'm just getting pissed at everything i have been you intentionally broke your towel no i would just i was trying to like like

reset the password for our tiktok account and it just was not working so i just ripped my towel rack off so you did it wasn't yeah it was intentional but like in the back of my mind i was like this is probably not going to come right off but it came off in one grab didn't you see that the phone number associated with the TikTok is mine? There was so many ins and outs. It was an escape route. How fast did I change it? I kept typing in my phone number, every password I could think of, emails.

And I just could not fucking get it. And I knew Nick was going to get it within five seconds. And that was making me even more mad. So I ripped my towel rack off because of i guess the kratom i've been ingesting i've been ingesting kratom in bulk ad nauseum and it's it tastes terrible i think i'm getting like not like why are you doing it it does have health benefits it's organic how are you i've been getting it from like the weirdest bodegas is it expensive it's expensive it's i think it's killing me what yes what i think it's eating at my brain what is kratom i don't even know and it doesn't even

make me feel good when i was sober i was like i hate being sober that much so much that i would rather feel worse than i do sober than not be sober i want to feel something so you got into kratom so i tried it out and why are you still doing it so i like try to chug a vial and it's not even a big vial but it's chug a vibe it's powder you can't chug a powder odor transcends the sense of smell it is unidentifiably repugnant and the taste is just as bad if not worse so i i was like five seconds away from brunch spilled and i was trying to open it up with my key because it's hard to get open it's in a like a glass yeah there's like a plastic top covering okay it's a vial but is it spilled it on is it a brand or is it like just like filled up in a random tube i don't fucking know

what color is it it's killing me it's eating at my brain you've been such short fused you've been depressed i don't know if it's that i don't know if it's the kratom i've been what else i've been lifting hard yeah but you've been doing mass amounts of kratom i've been eating bison too it's this place called like stamina grill and i've been getting these bison wraps these bison burritos and with extra bison and it tastes so bad but in my head like it's making me stronger like i feel like i'm a fucking war boy from mad max or like uh like a survivalist like like who's been eating lean meats and rabbits for like 12 months straight in like the alaskan wilderness and i finally stumbled upon bison and that gave me life to not only survive

but to like kill off my surroundings and make my own civilization so i've been taking kratom lifting hard as fuck and eating a odd amount of bison bison burrito bison burritos from stamina grill I remove the chicken and add extra bison so double bison burritos the baseline bison burrito also comes with chicken on it

yeah so there's I was like no bison and there's not an option on uber eats so I called them to like hey i'm about to place an uber eats order let it be known that i want double bison no chicken i don't want chicken bison bison because then the the wrap will fall apart yeah so i've been eating is this all joe rogan shit no kratom and b listen and it sounds like it might be but it's not yes because i my my mental wherewithal has been changing which is also i'm welcoming it because

before that i was just like so apathetic toward everything and now you are i would never get mad at a comment or reply or even like feel anger and now i'm just like furious at just all the time world at all the all the time but i should go to create them on me and i ran home to change which was the best move i could have done because i put on my that fly um that brown tie-dye no the uh you were in brown tie-dye underneath the pullover the zip up the fly yeah it was like 90s african themed with all the colors it said just do it yeah yeah and everyone loved that yeah you yeah so i showed up on beast mode you were you were on beast mode i've just lost lost a lot of uh train of thought here okay with your high school girlfriend um yeah and she pulled me aside and said you were on beast mode

i don't believe she said that but i feel like she may have felt it and but you were the smoothest i've ever seen you and was it because you were around somebody that you you know when like you drink on an empty stomach you it expedites how fucking drunk you feel. Yeah. It's kind of a better drunk. Sure. But when you drink with a little bit of bison in your stomach, that is the best drunk you can get. You know, when you drink on Adderall, it's like you are like a social God. Yeah.

That's an amazing feeling. When you drink on bison, you are just a God god yeah that's an amazing feeling when you drink on bison you are just a god you're feeling god you're omnipotent what does the bison is it do you get a chance you're accrediting some of the kratom's work to the bison yeah i think i think the kratom has only made me feel worse but you keep doing it maybe the kratom mixed with the bison they just cut out the kratom espresso mart the bison they just cut out the espresso martinis something about yeah you had like five espresso martinis kratom and a bunch of bison today your farts were you farted doesn't matter because that's the recipe that i know that i have to do to achieve

beast mode that's kb's beast mode challenge and i want other people to try it kratom a vial of kratom not a whole vial take like 10 i don't even know what the measurement is yeah take 10 kratoms take 10 kratom it's very ambiguous and then double bison and five espresso martinis i think i had three three espresso martinis yeah and that's right that was the do kb's beast mode this weekend. People might die, actually. We shouldn't. I don't think. Nick, are you saying espresso? Yeah, you're saying it wrong. Espresso. It's espresso.

It's espresso? Oops. God forbid I pronounce something wrong. Everybody else can. Yeah. Very... Where was the story going? Beats up. Oh. She was the story going? Yeah.

Beats. Oh, um, she brought up how she dumped you, which is not true. Well, I dumped her on Valentine's Day. That's it's really fucked up. It was. Do you regret it? I remember. Um, yeah, I took her to Olive Garden with my parents gift card. Did your parents give card did your parents it was like it was two weeks before the state tournament so i was cutting weight i was like

very irritated oh you're just generally irritable and i had it in my head that i wanted to break up with her why she's prettier than you significantly yeah but is she though yeah yeah she is yeah just like apples to oranges what do you mean you wouldn't call like a beast pretty like like you a beast like you or any beast like what i don't know what you wouldn't call like uh general butt naked pretty you think he's a beast but he killed the most africans i don't know jesus christ that's beast mode you wouldn't call it gaddafi pretty you think you're just naming bad you wouldn't call like jocko willick the american sniper guy or whatever his name is pretty right but you're calling kyle's pretty like an earthquake is beautiful That's okay Change your twitter handle to the pretty beast

Because I think you could be both But anyways I don't know I don't know why I broke up with him But I did it on Valentine's Day Which is a bad day to break up with somebody I was just getting into YouTube I was a prank call YouTuber You made a YouTube?

I did And you were prank calling people on YouTube? Yeah Does it exist? No they're all deleted. Much to everyone's dismay. Who would you prank call? Fuddruckers, 1-800-Flowers, and Taco Bell.

So bad. I did a Taco Bell wrap order. What was the wrap? I forget. 1-800-Flowers, 1-800-Flowers for my dead dog, Moses. And Fuddruckers, I forget what i did fud ruckers is like a family-owned is that a is that a chain fud ruckers is a chain right okay i confuse that with rutton bucks the family-owned one in our town but okay you broke up with her on valentine's day

yeah but like this is who cares you think on it uh do you want to do the third ad you're on a hot streak today no i'm talking too much this it's a podcast yeah and why are people listening to podcasts so often because it gives people i get why you want to listen to like the girls from like the office or like the guys from workaholics or joe rogan or conan o'brien but like what who cares about what i did on saturday because these people are just typical americans who are on i don't believe that on high deductible health insurance plans kyle yeah

damn they're on the hook. What are they on? Thousands of dollars. Co-pays. Sky high premiums. For many people in the U.S. concerned about the cost of health insurance, there's no good options. Either go insured or pay through the nose for high deductibles. All because of a broken health insurance system. This isn't even an ad.

This is me talking. I was going to say there's no way a health insurance company is. This isn't even an ad. This is me talking. I was going to say, there's no way a health insurance company is in cahoots with us boys. Well, it's not a health insurance company. They don't know how much kratom and bison I'm consuming. CrowdHealth is a community of people who are tired of paying for a broken

system. It's flexible. It's simple. Simple. It's simple. You're simple. Thank you. It's flexible. It's simple. Simple. It's simple. You're simple. Thank you. And it's membership driven. CrowdHealth is able to offer amazing prices because of the community of health conscious members. But for a limited time, our listeners get a first month free. And after you've been a member, CrowdHealth will include a fitness wearable.

That's 30 days to try risk free plus the fitness wearable. You can go to join CrowdHealth dot com slash fit and enter code anus that's joincrowdhealth.com fit promo code anus for that free 30 days and fitness wearable crowd health is not health insurance it's a community powered alternative terms and conditions may apply my high school girlfriend one thing she did say was that she loves owen and she wishes owen we would let owen talk more on the podcast why would we do that i said the same thing so we're not going to do that oh god yeah so we don't even we could very easily get a third camera to have him cut in i know just and i was like i thought the sparks

were like reflying and then she said that i was like oh yeah still same old same old you not gonna work it's a big red flag owen you have anything to say it was his birthday to be here with you guys it was owen's birthday over the weekend expressing happiness you know you have the face of someone doing the most tedious job of all time listening to me talk and i get it it's all about you huh yeah it's all about you you've gotten selfish lately i have you don't let me fuck any of your girls anymore. What? You know, we always used to. I have, I don't even think I, you, we are not in the same Charlotte's web by any means. The same Charlotte's web?

We're not in the same Charlotte's sexual web. Charlotte's sexual web. Yeah, we have no EB whites. Caucasian Eskimo brothers. I mean, it goes without saying we don't have any black ones either, but we don't have any EB whites. You'd assume you and I would have. We don't have a single Eskimo brother.

We're not Eskimo brothers. No, no EB whites. What did some... Do we? I'm racking my brain to try and think of a Charlotte's Web reference, but I think you've just taken the two. Oh, you have some pigs under your belt. Some pig.

Yeah. God damn it. I don't remember the book. I don't either. That was a good episode, Kyle. Thank you for, you know, you've been really opening up these past few days. We're not fucking done. No?

No, you got to talk more. No, this has been Kyle's century. Get your word. No, no, I hate it. But you made me cry. I will not let you release this. Yes, you will. Until you start talking.

I've been talking. I've been like the mediator here. I've almost been your therapist. No, talk. I Until you start talking. I've been talking. I've been like the mediator here. I've almost been your therapist. No, talk. I have nothing to say. I'll set you up. Okay, set me up. You're a funny guy.

Funniest I know. I feel like I'm holding you back sometimes from truly succeeding. Well, you guys are tied. Yeah, we are tied. We're lumped together. Which is awesome for me. Well, I love that yeah people can't conceptualize us as individual entities it's kb and nick nick and kb granted we've done that to ourselves we

have i remember sometimes like someone like passed me on the street and was like nick and kb he just pointed at me i was alone yeah yeah i yeah i get uh people just confuse us all the time too i get kyle a lot or kb yeah well i'll just like be at 7-eleven by my apartment and someone be like where's nick what it's always where's nick it's always where's nick not house kb it's never that what are you getting at 7-eleven uh jamaican beef patty two taquitos and a zero sugar gatorade which i never enjoy but you do the same thing every single time single time maybe switch it up pistachios there we go honey roast all right um this weekend you should uh if you want try the kb challenge let us know how it goes the kb beast challenge challenge implies let's make

sure you can't die it's not difficult and it's not it probably is difficult without you have to do it without spilling it on your shirt. What? Yeah. Did you spill on your shirt? Owen. That was the story. He had to go change his shirt. I spilled the kratom all over my blouse and had to go back change into the

fly Nike zip up which ended up being the right move because everyone was complimenting it. Did you go buy another vial of Kratom? No. So you just, do you like snort it off? How do you,

how much is Kratom? What's your Kratom budget? I don't know what Kratom is, how to do it, how it makes you feel, what it looks like. I don't know either, but I went on a message board once and it was like,

um, someone who just went sober and in retrospect it was heroin it was heroin it was like yeah but i'm like i swear by kratom i do kratom i do like um you didn't even have a drinking problem you got drunk three times a week probably maybe a problem i was yeah i was fat and miserable and? So I got off of it and I started abusing Kratom. Fat and miserable. That's pathetic. Which costs like $20 a vial.

Swollen and angry. Have you done Kratom today? Yeah. Really? Are you going to do more tonight? Probably. It has a stimulant effect when you take a little bit and you know what fuck it what

fuck what i don't know hey is that story old or told? What? No, baby! It's a new untold story. A new untold story. It's a fresh, big untold story. A new untold story.