A New Untold Story - A New Untold Story: Ep. 265 - Muslim & the Plug

Episode Date: November 18, 2021

|| A New Untold Story: Ep. 265 - Muslim & the Plug || The boys discuss wheelchairs, doing all the work in oral, bagel boss, late bloomers, converting to islam, & much more || Listen on Apple/Spotify, full episodes & new sketches available on our YouTubeYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, a new untold story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad free on Amazon Music. Your teachers used to say you'd never be Muslim. That's your reply to what I'm going to say. No, you're just going to say like, no, that's a new untold story. Hey, is that story old or told? No, baby. It's a new untold story.

A new untold story. It's a fresh, big untold story. A new untold story. where were you when uh the robin thick blurred lines uncensored video came out where was i yeah my bed were you i don't know why i was like i like hit me I was just in the shower and I thought of it and I think I just blocked it from my memory I was like staying at my friend Sean's sisters and she would like she wasn't living there it was like an empty house so it was like

fucking freezing we were like all I was under a blanket and I was like holy shit you guys need to look at this and we were it was me Sean's white sister yeah okay why just wanted to make sure yeah it was white sisters and uh we all like it was cold so they all like got under the blanket with me and we just watched it and i know we were all just like really hard watching it nick you were probably 25 when that

came out to 22 okay you and your boys are under the blanket watching. Did that show nudity? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It showed just tits. Ratajkowskis. Emily Ratajkowskis. Eric Ratajkowskis. Yeah.

Good. Yeah. Was it good? The song was good. And the titties were great. But Emrata. Emrata. She's like nothing like crazy.

What? She's the it girl. Titty wise. In the tit department. What are you? She has big natties. She has big natties. No, she does not.

Yes, she does. She's got two big natties. She does like Cassidy Banks big natties. Not Cassidy Banks. But Cassidy Banks. That's what she does. Like Layla London big natties? Yes.

No, I'm thinking lower. If I were to crop the image and just showed you the tits, you wouldn't say they're big natties. She has mid-natties. She doesn't have mid-natties. But when it's the complete package on her small frame, big natties. Natty lights. I don't think. They're natty lights.

Today's episode is brought to you by Dude Wipes. Kyle, do you use Dude Wipes? Yeah. Have you ever seen me use them? I haven't, but it's an honor code. Why? How do you use dude wipes? Yeah have you ever seen me use them? I haven't It's an honor code Why how do you use them? I don't think you believe

That I have pubes Yet And I want to fucking just prove To you that I do because I feel like my word Isn't enough. So I'm trying to find a way for you to see my pubes without it being obvious or gay. Why?

Yeah, it's going to be tough. I guess you'd have to just dude wipe in front of me. Every time we're eating lunch and the conversation arises, who has pubes, who has pubes, of course there's always someone who's going to lie about it, but I when i say i do you look at me as if i am lying fibers designed to give your butt a cleaner more refreshing than tp drop than dropping a deuce uh i recommend you guys go to dudewipes.com and use anus 15 and us15 for your entire order uh you can find it on amazon or dudewipes.com or at walmart and target go to dudewipes.com. Use the promo code.

Do it for us. What the fuck are you talking about? It feels worlds better than toilet paper. A plant source fiber absolutely does every single time than toilet paper. I like the mint chill. Thank you. Yes, you do. What?

What do you mean? Why wouldn't I believe you have pukes? You're 28. Yeah. You mean like you have a beard everyone there's always kids you know we're at we're at that age where you know some of us do have pubes and some of us don't and i want i don't think that you believe that i do but i do right now you don't think that i but it's a paradox because there's no way to prove it without it getting weird.

Yes, there is a way. What? Pluck. Yeah. Pluck me a pube. With my fingers? Yeah. Do you have tweezers?

You have to tweeze a pube? Just pluck a pube. Now, that used to be like a real conundrum. Yes. It sucked from both ends because it was an honor system. Well, I thought I found a loophole. I had like three armpit hairs. And we went to a private school, so we had uniforms.

And remember when etnies were really cool? Every kid had etnies. Yeah. I remember a girl. Those weren't like the Cyrus's. Oh, Cyrus's. Those had the big tongues. But etnies yeah there was uh i remember those weren't like those weren't like the cyrus's oh cyrus's those had the big tongues but any reaction cool like what nothing um the big tongues like what nothing uh what was he what was he gonna say i wasn't gonna say anything is there a punchline with no is there a certain afflicted group of people so i i really wanted

etnies i guess but my mom refused to like spend the money so I had an etnies t-shirt instead and I wanted people to show that I had like four armpit hairs so I cut a hole just like right there and I thought it would like look natural. It wasn't and so like in gym class I was my gym shirt and I had a hole right there. Did you like make sure they were coming out? No you could

I would always put myself in this kind of I was asking a lot of questions in gym class. I had a lot of questions in gym class a lot of questions about about games i love i love that was like a like a thing of pride like having hair oh yeah it was well it was yeah and you didn't not till late ninth grade i still don't think you do you didn't have yeah i i didn't have to wear deodorant Until like sophomore year That was a thing in gym class

Like I think everyone We got to sixth grade And like Our teacher had to tell us Like you should bring in deodorant And I didn't Need it Did your gym teacher

Like make up games For us to play He had us fight once Just like fight on Like He laid out mats And had us fight Yeah

I remember the fight Yeah And I got beat the fuck up by like the nerdiest kid in our class he's a doctor now brandon walk or wilson wilson yeah he wasn't that nerdy like you were nerdier than him and he beat your fucking ass he did be my ass we had we had one game it was just hockey but uh like high sticking and checking was legal. That's amazing. Yeah, it was awesome. Being a gym teacher.

Whoa. I hate that. I'll keep it like that. Okay. I think it represents us as a whole pretty well. Thanks, Owen. For those listening, our screen just went blank. There we go.

There she is. Look at that. I've made logos for half the podcast of the company and then this is ours some of the best all the dozen logos meticulously crafted jeff sent me like 25 revisions jeff is like jeff d low who works with us very uh he's Very He's a What's the term? Anal? Yeah he's very anal Because we do a podcast with him called The Bracket And yesterday

Raggedy Ann came up Raggedy Ann and her cohort Andy Came up Raggedy Andy yeah Raggedy Andy And then you googled it And you found a black Raggedy Ann A black Raggedy Andy Yeah and I said do Raggedy andy yeah raggedy andy and then you googled it and you found a black raggedy ann and i black raggedy andy yeah and i said do raggedy and yeah and he was like we have to

take that out yeah and he was like as a white man you can't even say do rag they did say that oh man we've said much worse yeah and i was like oh no i made a three can't say you made a three-fifths compromise joke to a black man today. In my defense, I was blessed by divine intervention for the only perfect opportunity to ever use that joke that man has ever been given. Yeah, you wouldn't have forgiven yourself if you didn't make it. I was a white guy versus a black guy arguing about how many TVs one could use for their soccer game. And there were five TVs and they were trying to reach a compromise. So I'd like to interject here, not to ruin your joke. There were six TVs, but then you just said five.

You planted the seed that it would buy you. People just believe Mandela affected. So it wasn't that fateful it's yeah you're right it's losing its luster you like once you acknowledge your own joke it is lost its luster sure but no you you had to do it but yeah so i had to yeah um yeah do raggedy andy would be like like bottom tier problematic for us yeah it really really would be um and and like we make fun of a lot of things on here um never white guys but like other people we make fun of like yeah we know um but we make fun of uh one type of person a lot the bound bound syndrome. No, no, the bound. Wheelchair guy. Yeah, yeah.

Speaking of which. Yes. We have a special shout out to give. That's right. Owen, can you read the DM we got? Yes. Maybe not. That was kind of intimate.

It was intimate. But they should know who they're talking to. No, maybe. Yeah. Maybe just give an abridged version of it. A very, very sweet DM. The gist of it was, you get many dms owen he does everyone dms me and says oh you're you're probably the only one that would respond to this that's why i was so stoked when you got on the yak because that used to be

me oh yeah yeah yeah i got one that was like no chance kb would ever see this but you tell him like this girl wants to like She's obsessed with him. Me? I didn't tell you. It's like, oh, can you send this to Nick? Can you ask Big Cat this? Can you say hi to Sass? Yeah.

Sass doesn't even... I don't think Sass knows what you look like. No. I don't think Sass knows who any of his producers are. No, no, no. No. Tyler Miller? No. Sass might know his, no. No. Tyler Miller? No.

Sass might know his first name. Maybe. First letter. He'll know if it's a consonant or a vowel that it starts with. I can just pull it up, Owen. Because I do not get that. You've been scrolling and scrolling.

It's from a guy named Zach. His brother's a huge yak and anus fan he's got his birthday coming up his brother mitch uh rich mitch was in a bad accident a couple years ago and has left him in a wheelchair so a wheelchair listener like that takes some thick skin to uh to listen to us to listen to us do our like pair of polygics joke where that the joke was that there was two quadriplegics that you fucked and you said that you, I think you

said you use them as an Ottoman. I, yeah, I objectified them like literally. You made them into objects. The accident themselves objectified them.

He sat through that one. Don't objectify me. He's resilient. He's resilient. He's resilient. And like, uh, that's really awesome because we don't mean to like rape victims,

get a lot of shit. Everyone, Jesus Christ. But they, um, but yeah, he said, uh,

him listening has been like a highlight and they asked if we could do a cameo. So let's two birds this right now for Mitch. Um, happy birthday. Happy birthday, Mitch. Everybody wish Mitch a happy birthday. Let's get it fucking trending yeah and uh yeah let's like uh kyle why don't you start this off let's

get this thing rolling like our boy oh and why don't you start us off to mitch all right mitch i hope you're sitting down for this one man so what we're doing we're wishing him a happy birthday Mitch. I hope you're sitting down for this one, man. So what are we doing? We're wishing him a happy birthday? Yeah. That's an oxymoron. I hope you sleep in very late. Every day.

What does that fucking mean? What is his age i don't know but we got it from his brother zach yeah and i know zach sometimes pushes you around feels like he's the older brother even though he's younger than you. Oh, man. No, thank you for being so cool, man. No, we appreciate you. Yeah, you're awesome. Did you... There was a kid in a wheelchair that went to our high school. And in shows like Glee or...

Who else had like a... Degrassi. In fiction, they're always portrayed as like the nice beloved yeah hidden voice of reason yeah level-headed yeah that's not the case they're physically the most down to earth yeah um but uh they are the kid that was in a wheelchair in our school i think every school has a couple they are the kid that was in a wheelchair in our school i think every school has a couple was a fucking bully was he he was two years older than us so you weren't there at the time no i don't even know who you're talking so he he had he looked like fucking 40 years old he had like a deep red goatee and yeah well it gets worse

all right i'm working my way down. If you have red facial hair, never have a long goatee. I think I have red facial hair. No, like actually red. No, his was deep red. And all the girls would like sit on his lap and he'd like wheel into class and they would like giggle and stuff. But then like when it came to the guys, like if you I remember as a freshman, they're like, yeah, you got to avoid this kid. I'm like, what? He's like, oh, you got to avoid this kid. I'm like, what?

He's like, oh, yeah, he's mean. And it makes sense. I think those you should be a bully. You should be mean because he would come up behind you like sitting where you wanted to. If you're sitting in his spot in the lunchroom, he would wheel around with like bike gloves on like little fingerless gloves not little regular hand-sized gloves um and he would take it off and like sneak up behind you you wouldn't hear a step and he would uh dangle the glove like in front of your face it would smell bad because he was sweating dude nothing smells like well things do but it smells horrible yeah no yeah like dirty

gloves used like the worst glove that's been like sweated into it's been sweated into and then the other side of it is just touching wheels that have been on the ground yeah so it's just like which which side do you want yeah which side would you take i don't even know hand or wheel i don't even fucking know yeah but anyway mitch i'm sure you're not like that and oh another no mitch is the man there's like a very popular study i think it's called like the hedonic treadmill but like where a year after somebody wins the powerball like a gigantic lottery and a year after someone becomes wheelchair bound their happiness the wheelchair bound person is on average just as happy or happier yeah you typically find your level and even everyone has a baseline level of happiness

and after whatever good or bad thing happens they're back to that no matter what and i think that's i think my baseline happiness is low. Yeah. I can't tell you the last time I've been excited for something. I don't get excited. And I think that's fine. No, it's not. I want to be excited for something. People get excited for regular season, our co-workers' games. Yeah.

Yeah, but I used to get excited for things, and then I would feel sad when they passed. It's not worth it. It was over. Yeah. It is worth it. But now over. It is worth it. But now I don't get that feeling. Excitement is always better than the actual fun you have. The thrill of being excited for a week for something that you perceive is going to be awesome.

And I start feeling like when I was getting excited for something, I would feel the dread of it passing before the thing started. A damn shame. It is brutal. Kyle. Owen. You guys like tunes? You like groovy, funky tunes? Only on Amazon Music.

It's funny you say that, my friend. Because today... What do we got? Amazon Music has more than 10 million free podcast episodes. What? It's Amazon Music. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck. Yeah. You can listen to the hilarious pod. We're wait, we have to actually do copy for another comedy podcast. What does it say? You guys can go to America.

I'm begging you guys to go to Amazon Music right now. Stop listening to this and listen to the hilarious podcast Smartless one week before everyone else. Ad free. Their podcast is ad. They're just fucking us right now. Yeah. So theirs is ad free and funny. Well, ours is riddled with ads and not even not going to get a known personalization.

But they need to shine. Who is that? Is that Will Arnett and Jason Bateman? Yeah, it's Will Arnett and Jason Bateman. And we're doing ads for them. Smartless. Guys, drop what you're doing right now. If you're listening to something else right now, quit it and go to Amazon Music to listen to the free, hilarious, ad-free podcast, SmartLess, with people that are much more famous than us.

Significantly more known, more successful, and funnier. Wait, so we are doing an ad for another podcast right now. That is a competitor of ours. Yeah, they want us to lose listeners. So they can get a cheaper deal on our ad? Comedy isn't your thing you guys can listen to the breathtaking steven che in here to try to like rationalize this behavior yeah i'm gonna text you we need che in here right now che is our ad ops guy he's always giving us shit he's

giving us shit we make the ads goofy and granted sometimes we trash our sponsors oh stop telling your listeners to kill themselves so he got mad at us for saying that if we don't have this particular sponsor, we'd kill ourselves. That's good. Yeah. That is amazing. Something would save your life

is the best thing you could say about that. And we said it time and time again that if somehow our phone died and we couldn't use this particular product to better ourselves, we'd blow our brains out. He couldn't use this particular product to better ourselves. He's going to shake in his boots and choke on his words. He's not going to have anything to say. Yeah.

But anyways, if you guys, if comedy isn't your thing, guys, you can listen to the breathtaking true crime podcast. Dr. Death Miracle Man. We intentionally had a bad name. And this one's Dr. Death Miracle Man. All right. And that's available two weeks early on Amazon Music. Don't listen to anything by Barstool Sports. Listen to Dr. Death Miracle Man.

Okay, yeah. No, but honestly, yeah, I guess... I guess do that? We have to say that? Yeah. Shit. I have to be genuine. Che's not in the building.

Where the fuck is he? It's 2 p.m. on a Wednesday, so... Interesting. Someone at the bus, yeah. I'm calling him. on a Wednesday, so... Interesting. Someone at the bus, yeah. I'm calling him. Yeah, that's an alternative route. I don't really feel like looking at him anyway. That all.

Steven, Steven, Steven. He knows exactly what this is for. He knows exactly what this is for. He knows exactly what this is about. Where the fuck could he be? I don't know. Hit him with a hey, buddy, though. You reached Steven Shay's voicemail. Leave leave a message he made his voice deeper for that you do it too me yeah when you when you're talking on the phone to other people no way

yeah it immediately gets deep what's your voicemail box i bet you do a rap i bet you were the prank voicemail guy. I was. Who were you? I was like, hello? Wait, what? That's a dead giveaway. You saying that. What? You would never pick up the phone and say hello. When I call you, I see that it picked up and you don't say anything.

You wait for me to say hi. I do, every time. It infuriates me to no end. It's a control thing. I don't know. It's like a power thing. Subdom. I think that's why guys like blowjobs

it doesn't feel even a one iota as good as pussy but it's a power thing is it a girl sucking on your penis i think it's a lazy thing you think it's a lazy thing you don't do any work i do all the work when a girl's I'll suck your fucking dick. I'll be like, hey, can I have a break? It's not like your throat fucking her. No. No, you're laying on your back getting headed, but you're doing all the work. I'm doing all the fucking work. Just real rhythmic hips.

It's not even that, too. That's why it's so odd. No, I'm still... He's not thrusting too that's why it's no i'm still he's not like like thrusting hard no i'm just like still doing all the work it's like a manipulation thing somehow no yeah yeah yeah it's oh my god i can only get my dick sucked for like 30 seconds before I have to tap out. I beat. Hey, can we just fuck? I'm tired.

Can I just like lift you up and fuck you? I can only get my dick sucked for so long. Oh man. Shit. What percentage are you at,yle 44 can i get some juice i'm gonna switch seats yeah that would uh no no i don't want to either i don't like those actually might want to stay here permanently you like that spot but that's neither here but it might be there what do you want the charger where you're gonna plug it? I don't need my phone by me unless to read the ads. Then give me the phone.

No, I'll hold on to the phone. What are you talking about? It's not going to reach. It'll reach. It'll reach right there. That may be the longest charger I've ever... That's not going to reach. I didn't realize.

Damn, wait. That's nine inches the kool-aid same mouth kid well learned oh chase colin chase colin are we good Colin. Are we good? Che. Hey. Hey, buddy.

Just for, I guess, legality, you're on the new Untold Story podcast, and we're about to go into an ad. Okay. Do I need... Okay. What's the hang up there? Yeah. What could you possibly need to do? I'm like cooking a steak.

I mean, if you're searing it, we can wake. Are you going to tweet a picture of the steak? Don't. Steven, don't. Steven, you're opening up a whole can of worms. You're a masochist. Okay, shoot. All right, so we have an ad for Amazon Music, a product we all love.

Sure. You love it, right? Of course. Of course. It is telling us, we're telling them to go listen to the hilarious podcast Smartless one week before everywhere else. We're telling them to stop listening to us

and going to another comedy podcast. Another podcast, yeah, that they'll fall in love with. Maybe after they finish listening to the show. Do you want us to drive people away from Barstool podcasts? I mean, there's plenty of good podcasts on there. Burger King doesn't advertise for McFlurries after you finish

Burger King. Steve, it sounds like this podcast is actually funny. People will listen to it and then they'll stop listening to all of the Barstool comedy podcasts. Then the next line is it's ad-free on there so they have an ad in our podcast to go listen to an ad free podcast that's also comedy yeah i mean you do have the option of making yours funny which it seems like you're trying to do here oh god damn

i told you i told you i'm unchained right now. I forgot. We should not have called Unchained Steve. Especially as he's cooking red meat. He's the man. He's the biggest man in the world right now. Fuck. All right. Yeah, I guess.

Che, can you just tell people to stop listening to our podcast then? Because that's what the fucking copy wants us to do. Keep listening to A podcast then because that's what the fucking copy wants us to do keep listening to a new untold story check out the other pod maybe later after a couple of their bars podcasts all right cool thanks steve all right all right everybody bye oh you can you finish it with later buddy yeah he just shit on our faces you shit on our fucking faces while he's cooking while he's cooking a steak. His wife is probably washing him. He's probably shirtless cooking a steak in the yard. Just shitting on us. What if some... Steve shit on our faces, right?

Literally. And then he took a picture. He's like, look at these guys black facing. And then we have to be like, no, it's Steve shit. No, I swear to God. It's not black. It's just another man's shit on our face. Yeah.

Which is what it is. God damn. So you were talking about you were getting. When did you get pubes? No. Oh, like ninth grade. Ninth grade pubes. What was the first time you shaved your pubes?

I only had like the the manual razor. OK. So it took like it took like days. the manual razor. Okay. So it took like days. A manual razor? You could have just said razor. I don't know. Like the Bic? A Bic.

Yeah. A manual. I don't fucking remember things like that. Those aren't like milestones in my life. Are they milestones in yours? Actually, yeah. The first time you shaved? I've told you guys, right? Like the bullies in my grade used to like gaslight me about my puberty

no no uh so once it was i went to a mets game with a couple older kids oh it was a color right yeah so they asked me like what color what color are your pubes and i was like same as my hair and they're like nope all pubes are jet black you don't have any i wish they were but you did no i didn't they were you were lying yeah i was lying they caught me right also i don't know if that's true is it no they probably also didn't abuse wait what none of you did no that conversation always happened and i'm now i'm thinking i always lied and just said yeah not that many yet but i definitely have them yeah that was a one-time one the other one was more embarrassing there was a couple years where i thought there was a pretty loud noise from your dick when you came yeah just like there is because they would ask me they're like oh you jerk off you come like what

what noise is it and i thought it was no i can't even do it anymore that sounded like it should be that's actually become yeah should become and then what they say um nothing they would talk about me behind my back yeah it's traumatic um but i remember the first time like seeing it was how jarring it was to see somebody else with pubes before you even knew what they looked like because it was fourth grade patrick trosh had the biggest bush i'm at the urinal yes patrick trosh and again we're using actual names of people but patrick patrick trosh and he was he was like a guy who definitely he owned like tarantulas as pets he actually did he's either definitely not listening to this or absolutely i can't tell no patrick trosh did have a tarantula he did have a huge bush and i went

over to his place once and he had um you know how some mcdonald's had like those bubble tubes in the center ours did it was like a look like a bar he had one in his room his room was the equivalent coolness wise of hey arnold yeah holy yeah he had like the mcdonald's bubbler in his room and a tarantula and pubes and i was like holy he's the coolest guy in the world and he was like seven feet tall but he looked like vince he looked old as fuck so it made he was tall he looked he made sense but i remember when i saw there was one kid in my class who was about my height he was the only one like as small as me yeah and as young looking as me and i remember say his name zach dobrinsky he had a unibrow you can't find him online i tried looking his online footprint

is zero untraceable i know and we spent hours and hours yeah i was the shortest in sixth grade i think i was like four foot six he looked exactly like mr bean but he looked like a child yeah and that's the point i'm trying to drive right now. So don't try to convince others that he was old looking and mature. No, he had the face of a young bean. Young bean, yeah. So that was sixth grade. And I saw his fucking bush at Reap.

Reap was a... Full bush, too. It wasn't like it was just a budding bush. Reap was like an environmental thing. We went and stayed in a cabin in the woods with like the boys in our class for three days. Yeah, I was in like the bathroom there. Were you pissed? I accidentally, I forget how, I may have walked in on the stall, but I remember I just saw he had a full bush.

Sixth grade. I had nothing. That's all you got to say? Yeah, I guess there wasn't really like anything crazy. So he was an early bloomer. You were a late bloomer. But do you remember the the late late bloomer that we went to high school with the guy who started dressing as like legolas like five years after lord of the rings maybe even 10 yeah and he was like oh you got to see those like he would like say will turner quotes

perfectly balanced perfectly balanced we're like dude you're the latest you're trying you're impersonating orlando bloom like he was the trend over half a decade ago like we all know about him those are old roles he was an embarrassingly late bloomer i think every every school had like one late late bloomer everybody who discovered the fellowship of the ring like five years after its release um what are like some other like tropes of like kids you went to school with like let's be related everyone had like the kool-aid it was the kool-aid stained mouth kid kool-aid stained mouth kid it was red yeah it was ostensibly from kool-aid but i don't even know if it always was sometimes it was like wind burned even though like how are you getting wind burned

just on your lips it was something but it was always red that kid always had like the most traits all so many because he was boogered up his like front teeth were flared because he was sucking on his thumb well like way too late way too late he always wore like his t-shirts like were ill-fitting in a way that it was almost like he probably got him at Gabriel Brothers. Do you know Gabriel Brothers is games? The ultimate discount store. It's the ultimate discount store where like clothes had no discernible flaws, but there were there because they were flawed. You just didn't quite know.

Some of them are defunct. Like the logo was like slightly off center. Are there refurbished T-shirts? Just about. I remember I bought like a Tony Hawkk shirt there like his birdhouse brand and i put it on and it was just like the bottom was just crooked so it was like a crooked shirt it was it was like it was an italicized t and i just like had to tuck the half in just wanna but um they always they were always fitted out by gabe's um they were go ahead go ahead i'm

trying to think they would always they would dig outside like they would always dig with a stick outside yeah so like where the pavement ended um like they would dig at recess they wouldn't bite their nails they would eat their nails they were always like they would grow it like a coke now just for a meal and you brought like once before like those were the kids that always had glue on their hands that they'd peel off they always were peeling off dried glue from their hands or body even though they hadn't used glue it was just it was there they were just doing from yeah from crap did you have a kool-aid stain kid in your class yeah i'm picturing ran through the hall yeah yeah they would always be like yeah huh

they would always say yeah no i never it was they always had the uncle that worked at nintendo and they always had you just kind of glossed over that they always said they had an uncle that worked at nintendo they always had an uncle are you talking about one specific person no that was always the kids excuse like i have an uncle that works at nintendo and like they'll they give you like game Boy like rumors. I was going to say they were big like Cartoon Network guys and thought like Nick and Disney were childish.

Yeah, they liked cow and chicken. Definitely Cartoon Network. But the one thing that I always remember is like they had an untameable cowlick. Always a cowlick. And it was, it was a mad cowlick. Stubborn son. It was the mad cowlick. Yeah. A mad cowlick. It was it was a mad stubborn son it was the mad cowlick yeah a mad cowlick it was that shit was threatening yeah but there was threatening aura there was the kool-aid stain kid

the kool-aid the kool-aid stain kid he wasn't stupid he was like a c plus b student he was a decent student and he he never had acne he had like a clean face yeah but he he always we would go to like he had good skin we would go to in like an indoor field trip and he would come out with grass stains all over his body i was like where were you where did you find the grass to roll roll all over those kids could always find grass no matter where they were um there was always the kool-aid stained kid and then there was the kool-aid stained kid he was a big fan oh the oh the there was two aids kids yeah one was cool one was i guess justifiably kind of mean yeah there was a bully but the cool aid stained kid the one who he had aids let's get that out of the way and his make-a-wish was to

like perform on stage with stain yeah i've been a while it's been a while and so and he could kickflip so he was like he would like have his skateboard attached to his backpack he was skinny as all hell and he was wearing it like yeah he he performed with stained it's been a while and so every school has that every school has that fucking kid and the thing i feel the worst about and thinking back is that we he wasn't dubbed he was posthumously dubbed the kool-aid stink and we never told them we never gave him that glory never said he was we never acknowledged he was cool i was jealous live yeah i was jealous but that's him if you know anybody that has, Oh boy here. I want to try my best to segue here. You guys are,

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I'll never be okay. What the fuck is that? I think I'm just like genetically destined to be miserable sorry is your dad miserable your grandpa miserable i guess i'm just like kind of sad yeah are you i don't think you was trying to get pussy oh yeah that's it that works um i'm sad all the other tropes i give i feel so fucking alone sometimes that's like the new like high school the i think everyone just sad everyone's like they're just completely devoid of serotonin

we were walking around like the arizona campus and it was like this something's off like it doesn't remind me of my college experience everyone is emotionless you know how like there's the college movies that came out in the 2000s or like the Simple Plan I'm Just a Kid music video. The quads. There's a kid, yeah. The bustling quads.

The heel flipping down. There's a bustling quad. With all like the groups and clubs. Frisbee. Uh-huh. There's like a, there's kids walking around with a case on their shoulder

and then, you know, I don't know if I'm fucking kidding, double dutching. Where's that? We were walking around the Arizona campus and it is just drones. It is, well, it's a beautiful day day it's a beautiful fucking day um and it's dead silent but we're just people walking we were walking around on that on the college campus having a

blast we were having a hell of a time why were we walking around the college campus as 29 year olds we had a detour there was a detour we had to get pushed us through there but yeah college kids there you can tell it's different I think generation quick they're quick to medicate they're so yeah they've been using like prescription medication antidepressants nicotine yeah

kratom maybe now they'd be angrier they'd be way angrier wait till the new generation finds kratom you think they will I do think super low key maybe no they'd be angrier they'd be way angrier wait till the new generation finds kratom you think they will i do think super low key i think there will be a class action lawsuit so i think i might be like helping it a lot i think so wait did you see uh what i don't know if i should say this you're a statistic yes Yes. No, what? There's been some hospitalizations from synthetic weed.

22 hospitalizations from synthetic weed edibles. What do you mean, when? Like ever? No. Like this calendar year. So I'm like one of the 22. You are quite literally one of the 22. I'm like, that's like 0.0001% of synthetic weed users.

I mean like the top 0.0001% of pussies. Yes. That you are the rarest of pussies. That's, yeah, whatever. Built different. Built different. Yeah, shoddily. What other types of kids are there?

What? What types of kids are there? and like what type of kids are there like an element like elementary middle schools i don't know i don't know about a type of kid but of note um when you brought mcdonald's in randomly for lunch awesome yes when you bring it every day sad poor sad and gross yeah definitely coming back with mcdonald's you like you were showing that thing off like a badge of honor oh yeah um our principal sister kathleen she's a nun when she like had some conspiracy that i wasn't going to the orthodontist and so she like wrote down what color my braces were when i left and then i had to like

get a different color to prove to her that i was at the orthodontist no she was awful yes she was she was like the last like i remember like in like the 70s and 80s it was popular for nuns to like beat um beat the kids with totem poles or whatever. Rulers. You're confusing Catholicism with tribes. No, I remember I got in trouble once. This is 100% true, which makes you think that it's not, but it is true.

You keep saying that. She got mad at me because I wore a Black Sabbath shirt to the band on a dress down day. Is that Satanic? Black Sabbath. No, it was a band it's all the i know it's yeah yeah and so in her eyes my back in black that's acdc that's disturbed okay keep going one black sabbath crazy train that's the song but they don't say that so i guess i'm on a crazy train this crane is fucking crazy

i'm on a crane you sound just like ozzy osbourne right now um crazy but all right so you want a black sabbath shirt yeah so she was like as my punishment i had to take home wait but what was her criticism of it it's like uh with the anti-religion nick should have known that wouldn't have yeah yeah yeah so no i got in trouble once because you know the shirts with sayings on them like uh ikey ones like this no no i had one like i lost my homework can i have yours uh it was like in fourth grade not i puked it's like the gay shit you could wear yeah yeah i remember that one they sold a lot of the gay shit you could wear ever

of all time i guess for the sake of the story yes um i puked one day in class on a dress down i'm puking on a dress down day the worst yeah i don't i can't relate um and i puked on the shirt and i went to the nurse to go home and sister kathleen was like she scolded me for wearing the shirt and i had like puke all over me i was like can i can this covered in vomit and she was like what are you wearing that rock band evil but no her punishment for me was i had to bring home every book and everything in my desk in my backpack home and it was like stuffed and it hurt so bad it's awesome yeah that was like a weird punish like fucking hazing i had weird punishments my mom once uh i forget what it was for i was probably some sort of attitude i was having some sort of lip um she made me cut the grass she made me cut cut the cut the grass she made me cut the

grass cut the grass is just shaving your pubes your vaginal pubes yeah gotta cut the grass um she made me cut the grass in the front yard with roller blades on what which pissed my dad off because it was like a horrible that's less of a punishment more of like just an extreme challenge that would probably go viral as like a challenge on tiktok now but i was like so pissed and she was so proud of herself for that make you do a put a puzzle together with oven mitts do you have any uh punishments you remember kyle um you seem like somebody was punished a lot no i i never understood like like physical punishments so you wouldn't do the thing again you would like i get like losing privilege to like a video game console or I don't know, like hanging out with friends, but like people who were like had to like. Can you think of one?

I don't even know. It sucks. Sucks. Sucks. Sucks. Sucks. So I guess I don't know. Get spanked.

Yeah. Yeah. Get the belt. Yeah. Pick a switch. Pick a switch. Yes. You ain't black at all. Soap was just your dad's pet name for his dick.

Go suck soap. No. You go get a stick from a tree and they hit you with it. Oh. Nah. I am tired of dudes like... It's like in their tinders or they're like uh like tinders like dudes tinder screenshots that i've seen on twitter not like yeah some you've seen secondhand

secondhand tinder bios yeah the screenshots i'm just like oh six three if that matters or since that matters and it's just like they're reluctantly. But like you're the one that put it in there. Yeah. And it's like there's a lot of dudes on Twitter that are like I'm 6'2". And like it's the only fucking thing they have. It's their trait. Yeah. And it's just like you didn't choose that.

Mm-hmm. And they try to like humble brag or talk like as if they're ironically talking about it. But that's. Yeah. They pass off like it as satire. But they do want to remind everyone that's their own yeah their only goal yeah and when the trend of like pants becoming shorter like showing off more sock they were just like no you guys know how i fucking feel

no you wore pants that were you like you're six two like a lot of people are they make pants a fit always have always have wasn't't Jesus like six feet tall? Yeah. God damn, Jay. Like anyone could ever know that. Yeah, I guess you're right. How long was the cross? Like anyone could ever know that.

I don't know. I like to think he was tall. Could you worship a short man? Oh, Bagel Boss. Bagel Boss. Is he? What's he doing? I don't know.

I hope that he's like getting like even shorter and angrier. For his career. Yeah, for his career. He needs to be short and angry. I need to be shorter. You should DM him. Brother, have you heard of Kratom? Has he been on like No Jum jumper or anything um i don't know i would guess he has a cameo and stuff

bagel boss goes sneaker shopping with napoleon complex we're gonna see what he's feeling what he's not and hopefully he'll buy some do you know who the fuck i am shut the fuck up stop yapping like you're the star of the show and go get me the storm blue jordan ones in size three and a half men's before i stick my full-grown foot so far up your ass you won't even feel a thing because your rectum will go numb not because my tight i have a tiny little foot and you won't feel a thing but even if i did have a tiny little foot it wouldn't fucking matter because i fuck more bitches than you i get more money than you and i have a bigger cock than you and every last one you use behind the camera so wipe the smirks off

your faces before i spend your entire salaries combined on a new car and run you over like your grand theft auto wars dump your body in the hudson no one will miss you yeah like that like that um i used to go to the uh the scholastic book fair and buy the entire inventory of green lamborghini posters and sell them for less money than I bought them for. Because I thought hustling, I didn't know hustling required making a profit. The more I learn about you, you were obsessed with hustling as a high schooler. Yeah, I would watch this. Donovan Strain had this YouTube series called Buttery Ass Mondays,

where he would like cheap things and sell them for a profit okay so i would do that but i didn't know the profit was integral to hustle so i like buy like juice boxes from like the dollar zone and sell them for like more than what i paid no for less god you don't know shit about hustling. Oh, shit. You did that in high school, I remember. Did you sell them out of your trunk? I think it was Mondo juice. Mondos, yeah. It had the little juice boxes.

Silly String. Who was buying Silly String? I ended up just using them all for my own pleasure. You kind of did the opposite of the paper clip into a house. Yeah. You took a master's degree and and what was it in early childhood special ed yeah and you started a podcast yeah my god that honestly the red paper clip man who like you know he traded the paper clip for a pen a pen for a notebook a notebook for this got a movie role and then traded the movie role for a house it would be way harder to go the other way like i have a house like give me like become

poor yeah no like starting starting with a house and getting to a paper yeah maybe how would you or you could just say i'll give you this house for that paper clip yeah that would work very easily huh i just like selling things to others, making them happy. I was still the plug. You don't have to make a profit to be the plug. Being the plug is like a dream of mine. I don't know if you could do that. You don't think I could be the plug?

I don't think. Why not? Try it. All right. Sell me this pen. Sell me this pen. Sell me this pen. You can sell anything. Sell me this pen.

I never said I could sell anything. I wanted to be the plug. So you'd come to me if you needed a pen and I wouldn't have to sell it to you. That's the magic of being the plug. But isn't it better to have a bunch of guys than like being a specific guy? Yeah. Oh, i don't know i always wanted to be that guy that wasn't in the friend group but was the plug he had he was the hookup yeah i might just start being the plug again i don't know no i'm i know i am it's official what are you gonna plug plug? All right.

I just want the title. Moving forward for the podcast sake, it will keep you updated. You'll become the plug and I'll become Muslim. Okay. Yeah. We did discuss that. I'm going to convert to Islam.

We were having beers yesterday and we were like, we were running out of ideas. And you're like, how about I convert to Islam? And I was like, all right. So are you, I think I'm going to,

what do you have to do? I don't know. I have to research it, but you're actually going to, this is true. So are you? I think I'm going to. What do you have to do? I don't know. I'll have to research it. But you're actually going to. This is true. Yeah, I will. So for the future episodes, KB is going to, he's given up the Kratom arc. So let's jump in the shark as if we didn't already.

But it's like the equivalent of David Dobrik getting married to Jason Nash's mom. What? It's like the same level of the extent of absurdity. This is a stunt. A stunt. But you're converting to Islam. I'm going to convert to Islam. 100% truly doing it.

Yeah. Muslim KB. Yes. Okay. All right, Kyle. Let me do this app. Let me do this app. I don't think you can religiously.

This will be your last chance to do it before you do it. Me and Kyle will do this. Fully convert. What is it? It's Waterbird. It's Waterbird. A product of the... Oh, I can't do it before you do it. Me and Kyle will do this. Fully convert. What is it? It's Waterbird. It's Waterbird. Oh, I can't do it. I'm Muslim.

Goddamn it. I knew you were going to do that. What? You're not Muslim yet. You don't think I am? No. What do you think conversion entails? Like a signature?

I think you have to go to a mosque. No, I'm Muslim. No. No, I'm Muslim. Do the Waterbirds ad. Can you even? How can you even? you even close my eyes and hold put my fingers in my ears don't do this take it away you should be facing i'm cool with it you

should be facing that corner yeah what is like the the religious protocol for muslims when alcohol is discussed i don't know why should i get you trying to get on? You're the Muslim, Kyle. Okay, shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Oh, man, it's a shame you can't enjoy this Waterbird with me. It's a canned cocktail that you can find in a grocery store, a convenience store,

or a liquor store near you. It's a high-quality canned cocktail with real premium distilled spirits. Waterbird's Ranch Water is delicious. The Waterbird Ranch Water is made with real premium blanco tequila sparkling water and real lime juice they also make a delicious tequila margarita the waterbird tequila margarita is made with waterbirds real premium blanco tequila distilled

in jalisco mexico sparkling water lime juice triple sec and a pinch of salt no more mixing or measuring necessary you can find water birds canned cocktails in the grocery store or convenience store or a liquor store near you thank you guys for listening kyle okay anything you want to say um no i'll come back muslim you'll be the plug and we'll see how actually that's an awesome name for a podcast the muslim in the plug yeah fuck we it's not too late that looks like shit all right let's do one a one-off logo for next week the muslim in the plug the muslim in the plug sick fuck i think kind of i could do both i can be both roles no there's no you can't be the plug i'm the muslim oh he's my Muslim plug. He's got all my virgins.

Shit. Thank you, guys. Yep. I wasn't thanking you. Happy birthday, Mitch. I was thanking the listeners. I thought you were thanking me. You stupid ass.

I was fucking giving you, I was giving you the time of the day to speak your mind, to talk to me, to talk to them. I was setting you up. I was listening, giving you my ear.

So yes, you should have been thanking me and it would have been appropriate for me to say you're welcome in more words than one. Is that your reply to what I'm going to say? No, you're just going to say like, no, that's a new untold story. Hey, is that story old or told? No, baby. It's a new untold story.

A new untold story. It's a fresh, big untold story. A new untold story. Damn it. Fuck, I'm a Muslim. Fuck. Oh, fuck. I wonder how many times that's going to come up. Lowering the bar is going to be like doing bacon grease.

I'm going to actually really play into it. Dude, you need a prayer rug? I can do that. Well, yeah. I don't think you can't.