A New Untold Story - A New Untold Story: Ep. 268 - TI-84

Episode Date: December 9, 2021

|| A New Untold Story: Ep. 268 - TI-84 || The boys discuss mirrors, webMD, Rae Sremmurd, sucking titties, Olive Garden, acronyms, Christmas, poop, & much more || Full episode also available on YouTube!You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, A New Untold Story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad-free on Amazon Music. people pay big bucks for it. Big fucking bucks. Four ads today? Mm-hmm. You ready? Yeah. Let me just troubleshoot one last thing.

Just troubleshoot. Hold on. I got to promote this. Anyway, Kyle, throw this on. No, let me know if you need help. Do that. Fuck off. I forgot all about that.

I'm probably going to leave that in. Whoa, whoa, no. Did Kyle do the face? did he do the face every time every time you pass a reflective surface no i don't owen come stand in front of the camera and do the face every time you pass a reflective surface you do this no no i don't yeah you do and owen's called you out. And I've never noticed. And now I've been... Any reflective surface. No.

No. Yes. It happened at the bathhouse in the locker room. And then I started noticing it happen when you walk by windows of stores. What? I do this? No. You know what face you do.

I do like a fish face? No. It's just like you do like a hot face. Like a hot face? Yeah. I do like a fish face. No, it's just like you do like a hot face, like a hot face. Yeah. You hot face. You like pack a fake lip with your tongue and then you put one eyebrow up. It's like,

I, I don't know. It sounds like you're, you're already looking at your own reflection. That's how you would even see that. I don't know what you do in reflections. He looks at you. Shit.

Do you, when you look in a mirror, do you like try to make yourself look hotter? No, I, I'm, I, I'm so low maintenance.

I don't even look at myself. You're so low maintenance. Yeah. I'm so low maintenance. I don't, you've been spending so much money on clothes lately. Clothes. That piece right there.

You know, you get compliments when you wear that piece it's my most complimented piece and yet a lot and you also how many like lotions do you use and oils and serums and salves because i'm fucking mad itchy and it's for no reason you itchy your skin is dry i have one of the premier symptoms of lymphoma which is itchiness that's why i was late i was just i walked to hudson you know i did a cancer walk shut up did you really not like a relay for life i know you didn't that wasn't a fundraising for it was just me like thinking about how i might i statistically probably don't have cancer like almost definitely not my life is way better than people with and without cancer but i was just thinking of the possibility in my head

why you have it's a therapeutic to go on a walk and think about like what if i did so today's december 8th if you look at today's yak towards the end you got really really quiet because you were on web md i didn't speak the yak. Because you were in your own head about this. Yeah, well, I have three of the principal symptoms. What are they? Yeah, say them. Itchiness.

It is the peak of winter. It is just getting cold. Incessant itchiness with no sign of a rash. That's dry skin. You don't have to have a rash to itch. I don't have dry skin. Because I'm moist. Your face is moist. Where's your itchiness?

I'm sweating. Are you showering a lot? You're showering. To the next point. Now you're going to be a hypocrite. Because I'm constantly sweating. I wake up in a pool of sweat. Night sweats.

You are just a sweaty guy. You've been sweaty forever. I have been sweaty for about a couple years. I haven't been to the doctor. Do you think you've had lymphoma for three years? I haven't been to the doctor in over two years. I had never even bothered to feel my lymph nodes. Not even a pet.

I don't know. I think lymphoma would fight quicker than it is now. If you would have had it for two years. You would be degrading faster. My personality type is consistent with people who die silently of lymphoma. Why? Quietly, silently, slowly. When's your doctor's appointment?

It's the 20th. You can't move that? What? I was just actually asking you I just thought about the possibility of me like wooing my radiologist you think that I'm gonna wear this to the I'm just

thinking out loud I'm thinking out loud go ahead I'm gonna wear this to my radiologist and see what I can get see if I can like retroactively get a earlier appointment okay you know what I'm get. See if I can like retroactively get an earlier appointment. Okay. You know what I'm saying? I know what you're saying. Do you think she'll eye up your dick under the

x-ray machine? I don't fucking know. Do dicks show up on x-rays? Do they? I don't know. There's no bone. Hmm. Maybe she's got a... It's a guessing. Maybe it's sensual. You... The premier sign of lymphoma is itchiness it was it's like night sweats these are so fucking common the guy who runs the yak

memes account the yak after dark memes account dm me it was, yo, I wouldn't worry about that unless you have night sweats. And I was like, uh, I do. Often. How sweaty? That's the thing. Do you have your heat on? I probably don't have cancer. But it's not like, oh,

you don't have cancer now. It's like, you don't have cancer yet. You could say that for any human being. So I don't have it now. It's like, you don't have cancer yet. You could say that for any human being. So just like, all right, so I don't have it now, but I'll eventually have, you could say that for any human being.

Yeah. You could say, Oh, they're not dying, but they're going to die. Everyone's going to die. And that makes it even worse. No,

that makes it better. Every person I tell this to, I'm like, Oh, I have to get an ultrasound on my lymph nodes. They're always like, I know so many people who have, and I know like one person who had

to have like got his neck digging into with a knife yeah every single person i tell how does that that's how common it is to get to have scares yes because people's minds go right to it so yeah so say i go to the doctor and like oh like, this is suspicious. This is like even tumorous. So you're going to have to cut into your neck and jaw. It would be like the most common thing in the world because everyone I've talked to knows someone who's – That's the most common thing in the world. No, it's not the most common, but it is so common that like you can't – no one would be shocked. Do you know like 90% of hedgehogs die of cancer? That's how common it is.

You can't compare yourself to a hedgehog. But you don't want us to stop of hedgehogs die of cancer that's how common it is you can't compare yourself to a hedgehog but you don't want us to stop breeding hedgehogs mad hedgehogs dying of this just like that's like that's like a wow fact to me and it's like oh humans like that makes way more sense. All right. So night sweats, itchy skin. And what's the third? Coming late, but like, well, I guess. Shut the fuck up. Are you making light of this disease now? What do you got for me? Is your butt itchy? Enough about me.

Is your butthole itchy? No, it's always itchy. Except for one. It's always, you thought i was using that literally you think i'm that gross or my ain't my rectum is just consistently itching and it my bottle was itching was it a metaphor my bottle is itching it has the urge it has an incessant urge for mint chill and the sensation of a wipe. That's right. Because today's podcast is brought to you by our friends at Dude Wipes. We quit itchy, scratchy toilet paper months ago.

Ironically. I combined itchy and scratchy. I said fucking squishy. So what? So fucking what? There's so many layers of irony. Because back when I was using toilet paper, you remember that? I do.

Because we were doing it concurrently. Yeah. My butthole was always itchy. Yeah. But it was never itching for anything else in particular. But you poisoned your mind. The circumference of my rectum, it never yearned for anything. It never had goals.

Yeah. Short term, long term, middle term. Now it does. You said that you scratched your ass so much. What was it? The person in the fingerprint department of the police station got pink eye from your fingerprints. The forensic scientist.

Yeah. I got pink eye just from looking at my finger. Yeah. But yeah, you you poisoned your own brain. You said you liked your rectal,. You had Stockholm syndrome from your own asshole. Because you said the itch was the relief from the itch. I was deriving a pleasure that outweighed the irritability of the itch. But now you know that's ridiculous.

It is ridiculous. Because we use Dude Wipes now. And you guys can too using code ANUS. A-N-U-S-1-5 at dudewipes.com for 15% off. A-N-U-S-1-5 for 15% off. it is ridiculous because we use dude wipes now and you guys can too using code anus anus15 at dudewipes.com for 15 off anus15 for 15 until dude wipes hygiene has never been like fun it's always been like let's decrease how unlikable it is but let's still make it like a mundane routine like l'oreal even tried it they were like no no tears then we like aged and we're like oh that meant no tears in your hair yeah because it still hurts my eyes badly so that was like

an attempt from l'oreal but dude wipes finally got it where it is pleasurable to wipe with the wipes the l'oreal l bottle it had an eyeball was it supposed to be a fish was that supposed to double as like a toy very yeah yeah it was it was not very obviously a fish how was it obviously a fish it wasn't shaped like a fish it just had an eyeball yeah it was it was around the tip around the tip of yeah the rounded tip of a fish and the eye of a fish oh shampoo bottles have a flat top it had gills not have gills you're fuck you're making me sound like a dumb ass um kyle what do we want to talk about today friend what do we got oh let's play the theme song we'll think of something by the time this song ends that's your reply to what i'm gonna say no you're just

gonna say like no that's a new one told story hey is that story old or told? No, baby! It's a new untold story. A new untold story. It's a fresh, big untold story. A new untold story. have you ever what are you doing with your hands what are you doing the mannequin challenge i bet you were very into the mannequin challenge how was that to black beatles yeah ray shrem how the fuck did that be? Drummer's ear backwards.

Well, it's not. Yeah. Ear drummers, right? But it's completely backwards. Yeah. They said that as it was some creative, ingenious naming process. Like, hey, ear drummers or drummers isn't a thing. Not a thing.

They could have been that. It's not a thing. And the finished product, Ray Shremmer, doesn't sound natural. And it's not a phrase that anyone has ever used. And yeah, Ray Shremmer isn't a thing. Isn't a name. You should have seen my fucking face when I found out Ray Shremmer

was ear drummer backwards. Shremmered. And it's like they took liberty with R-A-E being Ray. It's like now you guys are two people. Now you sound like one man with a fake name. Yeah. Ray Schremer. They were my freshman year concert.

They were at WB too. They were on campuses. They were on campuses. Your last name backwards is in a rut. Yeah, which is like a saying for bad luck. I just thought of that. Oh, no.

Terraney backwards is in a rut. Yeah, just like a full sentence. And that is no coincidence. No, that's pretty much been my life. Like your lineage is rooted. Oh, my God. Yeah, that's a prophecy. Yeah.

It's rooted in failure. Yeah. Nick Terraney is in a rut kin. That translates to- The son of in a rut kin that translates the son of in a rut that translates to you fell off fam fuck you that's yeah that's your last yeah my yeah because bauer is german for farmer okay rotor is German for King. Terranie is dyslexic for depressed loser. In a rut.

Yeah. Yeah. Look in the mirror. No, I remember I was like. Look at the text in the mirror of your last. In a rut. Have you ever like looked up your family history? No. So my last name like phonetically is the capital of albania right how do you what's the capital of albania toronto yeah and that's

where my grandfather's from so i was like maybe i'm like fucking royalty so i like did ancestry.com paid for it and uh i wanted to find out like what my grandfather was because he passed when i was young didn't know anything about him and i like found the document of what he was first name last name and then his career was pot boy he just scrubbed pots like chamber pots and he was like that was like his that i was like i was pissed off um in a rut ray shremmered when they came to my school i like went to the show and i left early good figure and i went back to my apartment and my roommate marcus was with his girlfriend at the time uh marcus black this isn't this okay this isn't a lot of marcus's in our life it's not dead marcus it's not it's not a

live marcus either nor is it alive marcus marcus black is all right he's all right um he was he was my roommate in college and And I walked in my apartment. And him and his girlfriend were on the couch. He was butt ass naked. And she just had her shirt up. He was sucking on her titty. He was like really focused on sucking on her titty. And she like looked at me like shrugged.

He was butt naked. He was butt naked. She just had her shirt up. She was fully clothed. Button fly jeans. Lifting her shirt up. Yeah. And she was. Button fly jeans. Lifting her shirt up. Yeah. And she was watching Mud with Matthew McConaughey.

Okay. And she just looks at me and she's like. And then I was like, Marcus. And he just looks up at me, butt ass naked. And he just goes, mama. And it was like the funniest fucking thing. The weirdest fucking thing. I got to call him actually.

Because I don't know if he'll remember. He's got to, right? Yeah, I'm trying to think. I'm trying to like justify his case. I use just like my friends have to hate when I call them. They know what's up. He's going to try to be all cool. What's up, baby?

He's not busy. What's up? No, he's not. I know. He's not busy. We're just going to cut he's not. I know. He's not busy. We're just going to cut this whole thing. Yo, Marcus, you're on the podcast. When I walked in on you sucking the titty, what did you say?

Mama. Wait. All right. And what was the clothing situation of you in the second party? I was sucking on her titties. Thanks, Marcus. You don't know what clothes mean. Thanks, Marcus.

He's not wrong. No, he's not wrong. Yo, what were you wearing? I was sucking on titties. That's a great excuse. Who are you wearing? It doesn't matter what you're wearing when you're on titties. That's a great. That is a good excuse. Who are you wearing? What is it doesn't matter what you're wearing when you're sucking titties.

Like fashion goes out the window. Out the window. Nobody cares about fashion when you're sucking on a titty. Yeah. That's fact. Do you have any wild college stories? None about myself. Sucking on a titty.

I sucked a titty at a... That already sounded fake. I was like trying to lie. Already, already. I couldn't even verbalize that. Without it sounding fake. I didn't suck a titty. All of my relationships began and ended at Olive Garden.

That is true. It's the best place to start and finish a relationship. It's something about the ambiance. Broken up at an Olive Garden? You've true. It's the best place to start and finish a relation. It's something about the ambiance. Broken up in an Olive Garden? Me too. Why would you want to at the end of the meal at least? I remember

I wasn't even planning on breaking up with her. I think you've told this story. No, we arrived at Olive Garden and I had to use the bathroom while she was getting seated. And I came back from the bathroom to our seat and she was like look what the cat dragged in and i was that infuriated me to a to a point that doesn't even it transcends human emotion that would that pissed me off hearing it that idiom only works

when you arrive for the first time to somebody we came to this restaurant in the same car so did we walked into it did the cattiness of her saying that to this restaurant in the same car. So we walked into it. Did the cattiness of her saying that piss you off or the misuse of the idiom? It was both. It was like the perfect combination of both. Did you let it slide? No, but I didn't acknowledge the problem.

I just was just really rude for the rest of the dinner. And eventually she was like, what's your problem? And I was like, I'm trying to solve it right now oh no yeah it was bad and she was like well what is it and i was like uh y equals mx plus b and she was like oh you're being funny now oh you're, you're being funny. And I was like, you know what? I just solved it. You equals my ex plus bye. Then I

gestured. I did the Miami U. I was like, get an Uber. Are you guys on good terms now? You equal my ex. And bye. Because I didn't want to break up with her in a weird way. Why did you need the Miami U? Oh, is your Uber working?

Get your Uber. Well, why the... I don't know. It would just be the Uber U. Yeah, I made it that she understood fully. That it was both a Miami hurricane to you and to you. I thought it was the most clever shit in the world. And are you guys on good terms right now?

No. Because then I hit her with the TI-84+. The calculator? What was it? She said, we're done. And I said, T I that's it. Then I ate four plus bowls of minestrone.

Well, she was waiting for her Uber. That's the way you break us out. You have to, you have to keep it short and sweet. I don't think that was short or sweet. No, that was definitely sweet. That shit was sweet.

You just used math terms. The execution wasn't as good as the planning process. Were you just stewing over it? Look what the cat track did. That would destroy me.

I didn't want to like break up with her in a like a gay like i didn't want to give her you can break up gaily yeah i didn't want to give her any like gay shit that she could quote to her friends yeah so i gave her the straightest line possible an equation y equals mx plus b but but then you did like a hand symbol then like you you're the type of guy who would fall into the pemdos method of breaking up all right what is it all right

yeah well let me think psh eh mm nz eh pssh man maybe maybe date again soon and now you gave her like you know leverage yeah i hope you have a beautiful mind no he's just he's on acronym mode yeah i'm gonna beat that to the ground no i i uh i get dumped i never do the

dumping yeah i mean were you gonna say often yeah same i knew that's what you're gonna say i was but i decided to not say that yeah but i knew you knew yeah i just fetishized like breaking up with girls so much that i just like make up stories like that yeah oh dude it like in the shower i break up with so many girls yeah i i still need a cool way to do it well i just you know i kind of just lobbed you one what was it this is it give you the alley oop what was the alley Give you the alley-oop. What was the alley-oop? The Y equals MX plus B. I'm not taking your line. I wonder if that's ever been done. No, Kyle. No.

Okay. Today's episode is also brought to you by... Oh, fuck yeah. Bare Bottom. We like those guys at Bare Bottom they're cool cool ass dudes and chicks they've always been cool i've worn them since before they sponsored us yeah and so when i saw that they were sponsoring us i was that was one of those surreal moments like wow i finally made it like it was one of those step back appreciate what you have because i remember paying for bare bottom

which wasn't a big deal because it's priced well yeah but it was just one of those moments where i'm just like wow i really did this no it was it was insane because we were both wearing them we didn't even know that each of us i think you like called me i was like is that shirt bare bottom and i was like well i wear the same shit yeah and then they sponsored wearing it i was like look at this and you looked came around looked at my tag um yeah but now i anybody can do it they can stock their closet without paying the insane markups that you see at other online big box brands uh everything's built for value with them we know that uh you're getting the softest and stretchiest clothes in the game for a great deal while doing some good in the process you have $5 off your first order. When you go to barebottomclothing.com. Slash A-N-U-S.

That's B-E-A-R. Bottomclothing.com. Slash A-N-U-S. It's not disgustingly cheap. Which makes it so much better. Because every time something is like. That is. Oh I got this for like nothing.

Yeah. It's like oh. That's too good to be true or it's just a terrible product. If you pay too little, the piece, the clothing, the article of clothing is a time bomb for breakage. It's just a matter of time until it shatters.

It's not even like a personal investment. It's not even like a material that you own. It's more of like, oh, this is something that I got. Yeah. I don't want to wear something that I got. I want to wear something that I earned. We need to be careful about wearing the same shit too often, though, because we went

we met Nate Barstool Nate at a bar for his birthday. And we were both wearing our podcast's merch in hopes of like getting recognized yeah but um when i left one of the girls of nate the girl nate was with asked you if we were dating she did what i forget the it was like we weren't even like doing anything to warrant a companionship We weren't acting gay, but

it was justified. We could have hung out with somebody and they wouldn't even have assumed we were friends. We sat on different parts of the table, but she just assumed we were dating. I think it was the way we said bye maybe. What did I say? I think you were like making me laugh too. Yeah, I definitely

was. And vice versa. No, no, no, but the thing is like I was making you laugh with ease like with these little inside jokes that we have i know and you were laughing really hard at me that's the thing about you like you don't just make me laugh like you make me genuinely crack up yeah that is that is the thing like and with you it's like sure on the surface level they're funny but when you look a little bit deeper it's almost like you understand me when you're telling the jokes inside that was the extent of it and like she's still just like assumed that must have been like skeletons in her own closet she was projecting herself yeah yeah i wasn't even like yes yes, I was laughing,

but it was like more like internal, which I guess if she could see like engage that, yeah, then I guess maybe she would. There must've been some sort of wire crossed. I don't know. We're not, let's clear that right now.

What else do you got Kyle? What else? Look at my phone. Christmas is coming up. You excited? Boys? Got your shopping done? No.

No, but you've been really into the shopping game. I love giving gifts. I'm a great gift giver. You're giving too much. Yeah, I think it's- You're spending so- How much are you spending? A lot. giver you're giving too much yeah i think you're spending so how much are you spending a lot because

it's a sign i've learned when you see somebody that's like spending money recklessly on things that aren't for them huge sign of suicidal uh ness of like you know depression like they don't care about so what did you learn what do you mean what are you saying like suicidal people you'll notice they'll spend a huge lump of money on a whim on something that's not for themselves. Okay, so are you trying to like tell people you're suicidal? I don't know. No, I'm just saying that there's like correlation. You could just tell me.

No, you couldn't. I would not react appropriately. No, I don't think you would. How would you react? I don't know. I am spending a lot of money. That's crazy. On like people I'm not like I'm buying things for people I'm not even that close for.

Like who? I spent $200 on gay Pat. For what? What'd you get? Got him the James Charles Morphe palette. Damn. I bought that before. Marcus just text me and he said, if you tell that story, just use a fake name.

Because I guess he is like a teacher now. So it was Marcus with a K, black. Oh, okay. Did I say his last name beforehand or did I? No, but now, okay. It's Marcus Black, but with a k with a k in the at the end of the word black yeah no no yeah that's it black with a k mark he is like a well is he a teacher or like a glorified teacher what does that mean does he just spend time

with kids professionally or does he teach them he uh He he's like the manager of an orphanage. So, OK, God forbid they find out he sucked a tit. Yeah, they'd clown him. They'd clown him. I don't think these kids I don't think orphans don't listen to podcasts, do they? No. And they don't suck titties. No, they don't.

They don't. I feel like it's it's an extreme of one and an extreme low of the other yeah i feel like they never do one but always do the other yeah that's fair it depends on the age of the orphan can you age out of being an orphan well yeah if you turn 18 you're just homeless wow i feel like they're listening to a lot of podcasts or sucking titties yes or yes not and they no one's doing both orphans have to choose a route we're lucky actually i'm not lucky sometimes i wish i was an orphan huh for the pussy you could play that sympathy card.

Also, especially around Christmas time. What? What are you talking about? Orphans get... Girls love to fuck orphans. This is the most... You just constantly cope. You're all...

Every group of people, you're like, yeah, they're so lucky they get the pussy. Yeah. And it's always someone who would be the least on the hierarchy of getting pussy or what how even would you like like explain that like a guy orphans luckier than you when it comes to pussy a guy going to a bar and like some girl brings up their parents and he's just like i never i never knew mine i was an orphan. That's sexy. I don't think. That's like mysterious and sexy.

You know what's sexy? When like a guy's like, yeah, like my parents, they own, I was trying to think of like a Fortune 500 company. You can't even name one. I can't name one. Name one. Apple. IBM.

Yeah, my parents own IBM. That's hot. Oh, did I tell you I was chilling with my IBM? Our IBM. Our? Yeah. Our Indian buddy, Maresh. Yeah, we were just with him.

You didn't have to tell me that. No, I was hanging out with him one-on-one as well. Where? Sunday. We were watching the football game, the Steelers. Okay. And I got a tap on my shoulder, and I turned around, and it was one of our coworkers, Jackie. She was like, I've been here for 30 minutes. I couldn't tell if that was you. I was like the football game, the Steelers. Okay. And I got a tap on my shoulder and I turned around and it was one of our coworkers, Jackie. She was like, I've been here for 30 minutes.

I couldn't tell if that was you. I was like, what? What? I see you every day. So where were you? Stone Street Tavern, watching the Steelers. Kind of like a small, like crowded affair. She was sitting four feet away from me.

She's a weirdo. Is she here? I don't know. We should go grab her if she's here because she came up to me and she was like i've been meaning to tell you something i was like jackie we've spoken twice yeah and she pulled up a picture of a screenshot of frank the tank on her phone and she was like you guys look just alike like in the face i'm like what the what are you what the fuck are you talking about she was like look at you guys you guys are like dressed exactly the same too well he was wearing like a quadruple xl james

harden brooklyn nets jersey what have i ever worn that that's a staple for you that's always in my rotation uh and then she was like all right i gotta go love her and i just left i guess she just left and i was like do you want to like pull up a chair and like have a beer and she was like no i just got my hair done i was like what and she just left it was like so you're already done but like that was the way she verbalized it it seemed like she just like panicked and thought of that on the spot she had a screenshot of it she had a screenshot of it and she was like, she just thought you did. Like she's like,

thought it was uncanny. And I think she was expecting me to agree. Like, yeah, I get that all the time. Was she like fighting back a laugh or like smirking maniacally? No, she was dead serious. She was like, yeah,

like you looked like Frank the Tank in this picture, like exactly like him. Dude, that same day walking to meet IBM, I was like right on stone street and this dude came up to me african-american man black guy he was like yo are you actually seth rogan i was like what did somebody tell you i was but this is like the eighth occurrence of a black man thinking i

was seth rogan really yeah that is true i've seen it happen once yeah but it was like the way he said it like are you actually implies that like people were like already talking gawking and talking about it no and he was like he was one of the guys like bringing uh amazon fresh orders in like the vest yeah what's that mean i just no i don't know no but it happened to me in uh columbus the first day i moved to columbus this van of like eight black dudes like opened up the van door and was like, Seth Rogan, Seth. And I was just walking. I knew they were talking to me. So I just turned around and I went like this and they just went, yeah.

And then close the door and peel out and just left. I don't. Do you look like him? Ironically, Frank the Tank said I looked like him. I guess you look like Frank the Tank. What is the picture? Is there a chance any of these black guys were just making fun of you yes okay yeah oh yeah but like why does it keep happening funny every time

let's ask ebony who i look like yeah just bring it up. Just mention Seth Rogen and see what she says. I mean, he's a wildly successful actor. I guess I can't be... Yeah, I can. No, Seth Rogen's good looking. Everybody's like, hall pass.

Everybody's number one. Yeah, girls are obsessed with him. He like rolled a blunt on Twitter and everyone's like, please impregnate me yeah and he does like pottery now ceramics yeah i took a ceramics class in college i had to just felt like saying it you okay kyle kyle yeah yeah what was that i don't know oh i didn't i don't know what was the feeling that you just had i don't know you can't describe the feeling you just had that's a symptom it has to be

i keep getting that it keeps happening and i don't even know how to like even google it what the fuck nitrous was that a cold brew yeah espresso martini or just a drink martini and now it's just the coffee no it says martini on the back and it's kalua branded can i have a sip? Can I take a sip of that? It may be, but barely. It's Kahlua. Taste it. It's four and a half. Taste it. I smell the apple.

I'm not tasting it. Did you just want it for the caffeine? Or did you, why did you get that? He's got a whole espresso martini bit. Yeah, he does. Here we go. What's the E stand for? Kyle. Go ahead. You're going to take the wheel on this one, buddy.

What are we doing? The one feedback we had was they want you to do more ads. Oh, yeah. Feedback. What? Feed. Dude. feedback we had was they want you to do more ads oh yeah feedback what feed dude hold on no like i'm always looking i i don't when i hear words i don't just like hear them as words it's hello fresh it's a food ad you could say i hear them as like a potential for something groundbreaking, not just in podcasting or comedy, but in life. Like I think, what can I do with this word to change people's lives for the better? Feedback.

So now when you said feedback, my head is going, oh, this way, that way, this way, that way. Feed, feedback, feedback. This, that could be a segue for HelloF fresh owen told you we have 36 minutes left on the camera and you're doing this feedback is it hello fresh yes yes i just said that yes it's it's eliminate trips to the grocery store yeah i feel like we stress that enough but it's not heard enough have you said stress that enough every episode did we stress it enough i mean if we haven't stressed it at all we haven't stopped stressing we i mean it can't be stressed enough in general

that people go to the grocery store and that is so inconvenient the trips to the grocery store the money you spend the time you spend the travel and the the lugging the groceries back especially if you live in a big city hello fresh delivers the pre-portioned meals straight to your door they're good they're filling and they're healthy now give us your personal anecdote i got they have a new holiday spread. Yeah. They have a holiday cheese. What's the cheese? You can look that up. It's a holiday cheese. That's the kind of cheese it is? I don't know what kind it is.

It could be a Gaire. It could be a Brie. Probably not a Brie. Probably not a Brie. Probably closer to a Gaire. I don't even know what makes it a holiday. Maybe they didn't even have to even say holiday. They could have said the type of cheese,

but it was incredible. Yeah. And that was just the side dish. Domestic Kudo probably. No. Okay. If you want me to start, like now I feel like I have to start over.

Start over. Hopefully stress it. Make sure to stress it. You stressed it out. Okay. And do you have a code? Yeah. Um,

what is the code, Nick? Kyle? I've been using it. But how did you forget it? How did I forget it? Come on. You can look it up.

I shouldn't even have to pull it up. Why not? It's a story 14. Story 1-4 for 14 free meals and 3 free gifts. You go to HelloFresh.com. Story 1-4 for 14 free meals and 3 free gifts. You go to HelloFresh.com. Story 1-4 upon checkout. Have you been...

The balsamic and fig beef tenderloin and the pecan crusted salmon. Yeah. That's what adults crave. Children and like people who are still stuck trying to be children crave like these like fried onions on their burgers and like fried mozzarella sticks with a bunch of like cheese and bacon and condiments and goo. That's what I want. You want something crusted. Something like balsamici. Something like the flavor is nutty or like a maple

or something fruity. What other than something with balsamic is balsamic-y? Yeah. My mind's going to vinaigrettes. You've been on like a hot streak on the pod lately. You've been funny. I think it On the pod lately You've been funny I think it's since you've gotten

In your head about cancer Since you've converted to Islam And the people of the internet Have noticed that you've gotten funnier What are you talking about? The anus subreddit again Anus pod on reddit Which we should join

I've seen They're getting bigger They are, but they, they posted a poll who was funnier, Nick or KB. Oh Jesus. No,

no, no. This again. What? No, no, no. Because you won.

I know, but like, don't, why do you sound so surprised? We're not in therapy right now. I'm not your therapist. No, I'm not hung up on it. You won 144 to 127.

What's 144 minus 127? 27. What? You won by 27. 14, no, 17. You won by 17. That's a tech fall in wrestling. That's when the match is so out of hand that they have to stop it before the time comes up.

Did you see this online? You just said it. But did you see the comments? No. I only voted for KB because I thought the votes would be like 90% Nick and I didn't want KB to feel bad. Ironyy boys. Nick is very consistent and thoughtful. Everything he does is funny and he knows it before

he says it. KB's willing to take swings that are further out there. Shit. Yeah, but you gotta swing to hit grand slams. Nick brings the pure comedy in Kyle. Wait, Nick brings the pure comedy in Kyle. Wait, Nick brings the pure comedy in Kyle what?

Kyle was a cleft-lipped monster. Where did that start? I don't know how that started that you have a cleft lip, but I like that. I like that they're trying to fuck with us now. Yeah, I want to join that. This subreddit. I want to be a poster.

Yeah, let's join. What's your name going to be? Mavis Beacon. What's Mavis? Mavis Beacon? Yeah. That's like the typing class. Black woman.

I don't remember that at all. Okay. Do you? Okay. typing class black woman i don't remember that at all okay do you okay um uh i brought don't remember mavis beacon why would i remember it was like a middle-aged like light-skinned black woman he was a middle-aged woman typing it was it was like when we went to computer class it was the typing class it was the typing class it was the typing program what was our there was the games where you're on the highway you're swerving you have to type as fast as possible that was mavis beacon mavis beacon what was our everyone remembers me i don't think it was a real person what was our typing teacher's name mrs hillberry hillberry

okay mavis beacon all right no that sounds fun I don't remember that at all. Was there one where you had to run from a T-Rex? You're thinking of Kitten Cannon on Addicting Games. Yeah, I guess I am. Alright. I pitched an interesting hypothetical to you guys this weekend. And you still don't have an answer for me. It was if you see

a stunningly beautiful woman way out of your league. So I guess she doesn't really have to even be stunningly beautiful. If you see like a decent looking girl way out of your league, you see like the most moderately attractive girl possible. That plain woman over there is way out of your league. Damn, KB, you swung for the fences to get this plain woman.

That's the reality for some people. If her name was Penis. Yeah, what a hypothetical. I just thought, like, meet a girl. You guys get along really well. She laughs. She makes you laugh. She's beautiful. Everything's perfect,

but her name is Penis you date her i i would just take her on a date names are like so you can go by any this girl is just like dead set on she's it's her it's her was her mother's name her mother was like yeah it was like a yeah like if you like try to like even coerce her to like go by a nickname nissy nissy fuck that would be hard is that short for like vanissa no i wish it's not vanissa is probably worse than the name penis you and this is this is not even me ragging on you it's's kind of a compliment. Before, or maybe a little after, the super bad dick sketchbook was popularized in the movie. Yeah. With all the amazing sketches of dicks and different elements. You always did that.

I did that before that movie came out. You could have made a career out of it. That was your best skill. There was one where the dick- I know exactly what you mean. It was a sentient cock. the arms and it was someone like just walked in on him shower the cock showering he was like didn't know what part of his body to cover up with his so i did this comic of a dick and i like xerox it and gave it to like some of the kids in school i used to make

comic books in school and like one of like the small little one-off comics in the book was like always like a dick and this dick had like this guy a normal human walked in on a dick in the shower and the dick didn't know what to cover up because the whole thing's a dick and that was that was pretty i like i'm not decent could you find that you think yeah probably i have a lot of them at home yeah when i go I go home. Oh, yeah. How did you remember that? Did you have one of those comic books? I may have. Yeah. I don't know.

Yeah. Sorry. I'm bringing that up. That's fine. No, that was a weird. I also never mind. It was a weird what? I had a weird interest.

28 past years. Yeah. No, no. it was a weird what i had i had a weird uh interest past years yeah no no i was like i uh i was obsessed with poop as a kid and i had this series my mom bought me a little digital camera it was red and uh i did this series it was like i did it to make videos of like when i found like animal poop and it was called dr poop and i would like describe the poop in what form video you would so you're talking into the camera no i was not front facing i was narrating the poop and i had a camera full of poop narrations can you find that i could actually call my mom where were you what were you scouring i was in the woods

you're the woods behind your house? What would you say? I would just describe. I don't quite remember. I would try to be technical, so I'd call it pelt. I would just describe it and the consistency and if it was fresh or not. I hate to do this. I've never told you. I'm actually see if you're really embarrassed about that one.

Um, man, I've called my mom like the past three episodes now. Yeah. I think I called myself Dr. Poop. Hello, Ma. You're on the podcast again. Um, remember that digital camera, the red one? The red digital camera. Yes. What did I i what was the series i did on that oh do i have to say i was embarrassed too i don't even like we're really struggling to talk about things um i've never really opened up to the guys

before but uh you just went around and took all different pictures of human waste and dog poop. Human waste? Sometimes it was mine. Sometimes it was mine. Who's going around? You don't go around and stumble upon human waste. No, it was like my... What did I call myself? I don't remember that.

I think I was Dr. Poop. Oh, gosh. Yeah. Where were they? Pictures or videos? They were pictures, weren't they? I think I narrated videos. Was he narrating them with his voice?

Oh, gosh. This is going back. Yeah, I know. I was young. Yeah, but I carried that camera everywhere just in case I stumbled upon poop. Yeah. Did you tell him you also had fake doggy doo-doo that you used to take to the family picnics? No, I didn't.

That's just straight up funny. The other thing is more concerning. I would put it, we would go to family picnics and I would put the fake poop between two pieces of bread and like eat it in front of people. That's good. Yeah. Or up on the table.

Yeah, I would just put it everywhere. Yeah, I was obsessed with poop. It was like my favorite thing. Yes. Luckily, I grew out of that. Yeah, what are you going to do with it? All right. Love you, mom. Love love you mom love you bye bless her soul i yeah yeah i was yeah i was probably diagnosable yeah like because like kids like going around um killing like little animals like that at least has like some thrill to it yeah like there I get it, kind of.

Because people hunt. Killing things with weapons, there's something to it. Yeah, it's like primal. There's an A and B. I kind of want to take this out of the podcast because I'm embarrassed. You're like searching for poop and just describing it? I would go out of my way.

And I was seven, eight? No, i was probably nine ten i can't wait i can't tell which way is worse i don't think you were seven eight or nine because i don't think the technology for those type of cameras was there we still had polaroids like disposable cameras. So were you like 14? I wasn't like 14. I was probably 12. Oh, man. Yeah, man. I don't know. I don't even know why I brought that up. No, you shouldn't have.

So is Maresh dating someone on heroin? This is insane. Our buddy Maresh recently divorced. Great guy. That was shocking though when you told me that. How old is he? 26, 27. I guess that's like a thing. People get married

in their mid-20s. He got married during COVID and divorced during COVID. And a dog in between. But now he's a dog. So he's been dating and he's big on Hinge and he's he's big on hinge and he's like a handsome man very handsome uh wealthy man and he's doing well on hinge but he's been going out with his girl he said okay so she made heroin jokes which is something we do all the time but like she she made like three in one date the first date the first date

and he's in denial he's like yeah i don't think she does heroin i'm like dude she's trying to normalize that she does she's trying to trivialize no well the first one was just like um yeah i don't even know what was it the first one was like uh about the vaccine and she was like i have no problem with needles i do heroin and he was like if i heard that i was like, I have no problem with needles. I do heroin. If I heard that, I would love it. I would be like, yes, this is the type of chemistry I want. But in that same date. And I guess he kind of giggled. He didn't do a heroin joke back.

No. It's what you look for. He just kind of laughed. But she didn't give up. And then she did another heroin joke. Yeah. They were about to order. And he was like, do you want an appetizer? And she's like, no, I'm not too hungry.

I did heroin. I had heroin. And he and I was like, yeah, you just do heroin. This girl just does heroin. And then she made a third. A third one. There was a third one of like there. She was on the subway and she took a picture of a text from this morning.

And it was like an ad for got a text from this morning. And it was like an ad for like a rehabilitation or recovery clinic. And she was, what did she say? It was like, I feel like these ads are targeting me. Yeah, and it was like trying to wean off heroin. So she just does heroin. I think she like, maybe or maybe like she just like, OK, he liked the heroin joke. That's what I'm going. That's what he's trying to because I think he's attracted to her.

We're meeting her this weekend. Yeah, but if she's alive in order to keep a joke going, like you need more than just a giggle. You need them to like talk, like reciprocate the joke that That or if he was watching what's that Jared Leto movie where he does heroin? I don't know. Requiem for a Dream. And he sent her a snap like, is this you? Or if she was like, I'm too

full for dessert. I just had heroin. And he was like, yeah, I'm wearing long sleeves to cover up my track marks. But he's never pushed back once. I don't know. We need to get to the bottom of that. Yeah.

Like a one sided inside joke. No, unless she's just like really fucking with him. Like she's not interested in him at all. And she's like, let's see how long I can make heroin jokes. She's either my dream girl or just gonna die soon. No,

she's your dream girl, which would be your dream girl. Yeah. Yeah. I'm trying to think. Yeah. If that's just like a long running bit where she's just like obsessed with like just pushing people away. Yeah, like that's awesome.

I'm in love with her. Or if she is a heroin addict who's like functioning enough to like go out with future suitors. What is his profession? He's like a tech startup guy. It matter it doesn't matter try to fuck her yeah this weekend soon a little better i guess are you ready to fuck right now no why not i don't know if she i need i would need a girl who's good with bedside manner. Meaning what?

Telling me like, you know, it's going to be okay. Pre or post? What do you mean? During? Oh, no. Just like from like a nursing standpoint. So if this girl had a long bit where she pretended to do heroin, you'd be into that? Yes. What if her name was Pen oh man see yeah all right uh why don't you do the last ad for us too

oh man we had the perfect fucking segue are you ready to fuck right now kyle i don't know do you have a bunch of pubes oh no no i've been using manscaped but i still like i'm looking forward to it like as a stocking stuffer if someone puts it in there it's the perfect stocking stuffer i'd imagine i'd be stoked to get it well actually i already have one i'd be stoked to get it so i could give it to somebody else that's the kind of guy i am what's your favorite part about it kyle ho ho ho fellas naughty or nice tis the season to perform they could have used like tis the season to be ball-y that is just like the regurgitation of meaningless ho ho ho fellas

naughty or nice tis the season to perform all three of those are not connected even like subtly ho ho ho naughty or nice comma tis the season to perform

okay yeah I think whether you're naughty or nice itis the season to perform. Okay. Yeah, I think whether you're naughty or nice, it's the season to perform. And ho ho ho is the greeting. Ho ho ho, fellas. I actually think this is a great copy. Naughty or nice, tis the season to perform. We have a

hell of a deal for you guys. You can go to manscaped.com slash anus, A-N-U-S for 20% off plus free shipping. It's just not seasonal for me. I'm doing it like once a week. The dads can't stop talking about this. The teens secretly buy this,

and the women love you for it. The dads can't stop talking about this. The dads talk about it a lot. And the teens sneaking out late at night to go buy their Manscaped. Son, come sit down. I found this under your bed. Show me your dick. Is it hairless?

Yeah, Dad, you were talking about it so much. I had to get it for myself. So I went to Manscacape.com slash anus. He's like sneaking out late at night to get them. Yeah. Yeah. Oh man. Yeah.

So we recommend getting that. KB with a bone to pick on how we walk. I'm reading Owens. What's what you have a bone to pick on how we walk i'm reading owens what's what you have a bone to pick on how we walk you guys take up the whole sidewalk no we don't you're complete you have no spatial awareness and you're completely oblivious to anybody behind you who is trying to walk at a faster pace and or pass you on the sidewalk you walk walk 20 feet behind us. You're a human blockade. No. We walk too wide. I walk behind you to police how you

walk and it's always poorly. There's other people on the sidewalk. That can't be the reason you walk behind us. You guys are two to three bodies wide. Two wide and then one person's usually a little back. So nobody can weave in and out of you or between you. What's the's the solution you have to if you're gonna walk at a slow pace or we're not

walking slow you're walking and you're walking at a pace that isn't as fast as everyone else on the subway or on the sidewalk so there are people who are going faster than you and you're taking up the sidewalk so people can't pass you so we'll go go to one side, both of you, and don't walk parallel to each other. But people can walk around. And they do. Okay. And they don't complain. You're the one making a fool

of yourself, loudly complaining about us. Okay. Yeah. Why don't you walk next to us one day? No. Why don't you lead the pack one day? Oh. What? Jesus. I don't you walk next to us one day no why don't you lead the pack one day oh jesus i don't know you stressing still about the cancer yes about the cancer what else it's not that i'm more stressing about like the fact that i don't have cancer and then and you're just itchy for no reason? Yeah, that's worse.

Yeah, you get like none of the credit. Why the fuck am I... I'm always itchy. Night sweats. The fuck? Are you celebrating Christmas this year? Yeah. Got my mom a canoe. Did you actually?

No. Aren't you Muslim? Yeah, you are Muslim. You are not celebrating. People like that. What? Yeah, I'm Muslim. People were complaining that we didn't show the hat.

The clip is really fucking funny. We just got to post it. I don't know. At this point, it's like people would expect more, I guess. I don't know. We get to 75 75 000 subscribers on youtube 75 000 we drop the hat so yeah we're at 7 000 right now so we're close yeah 75 000 we'll drop the hat make burners i don't care

all right anything else dad what else next week we're bringing them back the PG-13s. Do you want to? Yes, definitely. It's my favorite week of the year. Yeah. This is the second annual, third annual. We did one before I worked here. Yeah.

Just privately. It's not quite, it wasn't like the same date. It hasn't been a year, but. It's been over a year. No, podcast hasn't been around for a year, has it? Yeah. Yeah. November, yeah. We had our one year birthday. I don't think it's been a year but it's been over a year no podcast hasn't been around for a year has it yeah yeah we had our i don't think it's been a year but yeah we're gonna do this we're gonna do the pg-13 so if you guys have submissions for the uh historically it's like the hall of fame it does not have to be recent uh the hall of fame of we uh for those who don't know pg-13s are the

pussy getter 13s the yeahs. The 13 best pussy getters in their respective categories. That's right. Last year, Harry's pussy went to best Truman. Harry Truman's wife. I forget. That's the only one I remember. That's the only one I remember. Alright, yeah.

Maybe she'll repeat. I don't know. Can you get two busts? We'll run through the previous winners next. So if you have any suggestions for the PG-13s, maybe these Home Alone hats will be in the store. The ones where, yeah. Yeah. We don't have the ability to create original logos at all.

Have we? Yeah. The untold. Yeah, we did once. I don't think anyone has ever done like the embarrassed penis. You want us to sell embarrassed penis shirts it's just a sketch idea like a sketch like show you to no for you to draw to draw yeah i'll draw it knock it i'll tweet it we'll tweet that on christmas all right um owen anything to add nope love you guys love you you too. Shut up.

You know you don't have cancer, right? Yeah. No. Is that your reply to what I'm going to say? No, you're just going to say, like, no, that's a new untold story. Hey, is that story old or told? No, baby. No. It's a fresh, big, untold story. A new untold story.