A New Untold Story - A New Untold Story: Ep. 287 - Dr. Lipschitz

Episode Date: April 14, 2022

A New Untold Story: Ep. 287 - Dr. LipschitzYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, A New Untold Story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad-free on Amazon Music. I'm surprised you're here. You've been towing the line of a mental health break. What? Yeah. I think you're next. If there had to be some sort of lottery, or not even a lottery, like a pool of... Go on, go on.

I think you're due for a mental health break. I think you're toeing the line of insanity. Go on. What do you mean? I feel like there's more to this. No, there's not more to that. This is the face you make when you are saying a setup for a joke. You're so antsy and you rush it and I can see your cheeks twitching.

You want me to say something so you can say the real punchline. You think I'm due for a mental health break. Maybe a menstrual health break. There it is. You're on your period. Your vagina due for a mental health break. Maybe a menstrual health break. There it is. You're on your period. Your vagina is having a period right now. You look like... Yeah?

You look like Dr. Lipschitz from Rugrats. Remember him? Yeah, he was the Lamaze doctor. That's like your trajectory. Best case scenario. A world famous best selling author that every woman loved, every mom loved. Pull him up. Lipschitz?

I know what he looks like. I could draw him verbatim. You look like... But a lot of people are probably picturing Mr. Dink from Doug. That's my worry. I need a visual representation. Your shape is like you live in Bluffington. Your nose...

What does that mean? You look like a Doug character You look like Chalky Studebaker You look like Dr. Lipschitz Dr. Lipschitz ruled He had a key shape What was his head shaped like?

Like a key Like a key No, you need a menstrual health break, pussy You look like Yeah, you're, pussy. You look like... Yeah, you're having a period. You look like... Right now. You have an ellipses on your mons pubis.

What's that mean? You have three periods. It's funny that the shows women like are Bridgerton and Downton Abbey, and they're called period pieces because they're you know it's said yeah i'm sure yeah they'll get some laughs out of the people that resonates with all women like those shows never heard of them my mom is obsessed with downton abbey downton abbey i've heard of my mom has been pissing me the fuck off the w is silent what it's spelled downtown.

Yeah. And granted, I should have said the second W. I don't think it's spelled downtown. I think it's Downton. This is gonna rock. I'm up on you like 253 to 6 or 7. Oh, it is. Downton isn't a word.

I mean, it's a proper noun anything any jumble of letters if it's a capital letter will be a word you do you have to say something to me i don't know just say sorry i know i'm trying what you're like on that ninth o of google trying to prove a point brother give up with the fourth oh all right let me a W. You said you're trying to claim that you try to make a relatable statement on the act today that like every kid or most kids have seen their dad's dick, which is true. But you try to claim that it was in the basement shower. Yeah, not even the basement shower. Like the spigot that's out of the wall. It's just like a spigot

and then a drain and then a loose toilet. That's not a thing. Yes, it is. I believe that you had one, but it's not like a thing. I've had swarms of people in my DM saying, I had that, I had that. Look up. There's a Wikipedia page on it. It's called a Pittsburgh toilet. No, it's not. Anyone can call anything something. It's called a Pittsburgh toilet. No, it's not. Anyone can call anything something. It has its own Wikipedia page. So you're saying what you had is called a Pittsburgh toilet. It's a shower head,

a drain, and a loose toilet. All in one. So I could be taking a shit and having the shower on with my little footsies getting hot water. Look up Pittsburgh toilet. I believe it's the name of something that's like calling Paul No Legs Hankish a Pittsburgh mobster. What do you mean?

Exactly. No, I'm just saying it is a thing. And you guys looked at me. Yeah, there's one of them. No, it's in a lot of homes in that tri-state area. Yeah, it's like calling Hines Field Pittsburgh Hines Field. Yeah, one exists. No, there was a lot of Pittsburgh.

There's a Wikipediaikipedia page on shout out the whippeal district seven one of like the best uh regions for pittsburgh or for athletics in the world okay it's a hotbed you care so much about high school sports i did that last time and people loved it people district 3 p.m you should see my DMs right now. Just be like, those guys owe you an apology. They made you sound crazy. You guys gaslit me into thinking that a stray spigot doesn't exist. A spigot?

Yes, a spigot. How many letters and what's the fifth letter? Probably G. My mind's on crosswords. Why? Eras and odes and eons and asps and aloes and ales yeah those are like wars oh jesus christ what are you getting at with this i don't know see and then we hit a conversation conversation doldrum because you go off on a tangent that'll last two seconds how did you you decided to start the podcast instead of recapping what happened to Clayton Kershaw, what happened with the Subway, like pop culture relevant topics.

You decided to do the menstrual joke. Our shows are evergreen, baby. See? Again. Rebut. All I'm asking is for a rebuttal. I beg you to rebut. What do you want me to do?

Our shows? Yeah, okay. We're evergreen. For the most part is that a joke no i'm being dead serious besides the reggie shit i want to take that off the feed imagine being like start from the beginning they're like what the fuck is this no one's what a bad bad podcast that was doing that now we're just bad but it was bad bad back then yeah it was um no i wanted to bring up we walked home from work yesterday together and both of our moms called us over the same shit that they felt like they've been neglected my mom called me and she tried to guilt

me she was like you're neglecting me i was like fucking, what do you want from me? I'm at work. I work a long day. And my dad also lives in New York, but they're still together, my parents. You said our mom has called us over the same shit. No, your mom called us over the same shit. Your mom called us over the same shit. Shut the fuck up.

Not our mom. Shut the fuck up. Your mom texts you about it, and you just didn't respond. Yeah. But my mom called me pissed that I was neglecting her. And I was like, mom, what do you want? Like, she's like, well, you see your dad. My dad lives in New York, moved to New York.

My mom's staying in West Virginia to take care of my rapidly aging grandma. And she should do the same shit I'm doing, which is ignore your mom and move to New York. Yeah, yeah. It's pissing me off. So I hung up on it. Yeah, I never understood taking care of someone older than you. Yeah. It just doesn't make sense.

It doesn't make any damn sense. What can, like, will you take care of your parents when they get real, real old? It's just not how it is. This is not human nature. What? Answer. Talk to me. me converse i don't know what are you sipping on that fudgy wudgy

fudgy the beer you're drinking fudgy the beer what's the alcohol content in that you know we make fun of you for the beers you drink and you come here with a tall boy fudgy the beer how is that different say if you went to my house and there were... Like, say you go to an alcoholic's house, he's a recluse, and you see a hundred Bud Light cans all over his studio apartment. It looks pathetic. Okay. That's the scene of the crime.

He's dead. Okay. He died of cirrhosis. Sure. Early stage. Yes. Passed away. Okay. Abruptosis. Sure. Early stage. Yes. Passed away. Okay.

Abruptly. Right. Say the same thing happens to me. You go into my studio apartment. There's only 12 Fudgy the Whales, but it killed me, but it looks a lot more, like, less pathetic. Wrong. That makes you look like a lightweight that died after 12 Fudgy the Whales, dude. That is pathetic.

No, it's always gross when, like, something's littered with the same thing. Yes. Mm-hmm. I agree. But, like, you think for a stronger beer they should have, like, a more masculine logo or can. No, that's like an old classic birthday cake. Right. Fudgy the whale.

Right, but now that's Fudgy the beer and is it good? No. Okay. All right, good to know. We just got back from San Antonio, been busy. Did you like San Antonio, Texas? It was... What do you think?

So I said my piece. So we went from Kansas to San Antonio. San Antonio, it was cool, I think, to the eye. It has that river walk. It had like a Venetian... But then you realize how artificial it is it was almost like walking through the river rapids of kennywood it was everything it was like it was like we were like a 12 to 14 years behind well and we were 14 years ahead we went out to like a piano bar and

they were still there was like a the hottest dude there was like was getting all the women's attention was was like doing push-ups with a beer me no I was wearing the king of prussia apple shirt that shirt's a bit big I wore it last episode yes so it's on purpose I don't know if we talked about this but you post the first picture you posted in that tea did you guys see it the duck shirt we talked about this, but you post the first picture you posted in that tee. Did you guys see the duck shirt? We talked about that on the pod? Yes. No, I don't think we did. Yeah, we did. That was like the whole podcast was about the duck off a duck. And I was wearing the King of Prussia. But when you posted the shirt, we talked about that. The razor.

The razor. You bought a hair clipper and it was sitting on the counter out of the box in the bathroom in the photo. Your beard didn't change. It was my dick. Why'd you shave your dick in Texas? I thought I was going to get pussy. Did you not think that? Oh, you don't think in those terms.

But you made a stop at a Walmart so you could buy that trimmer. I thought it was to trim your face. No. Dick and balls. You made us stop at a Walmart so you could buy that trimmer. I thought it was to trim your face. No. Dick and balls. You made us reroute in a rental car so you could go shave your dick. Yeah. Was it that hairy? How long's it been?

I don't know. Wait, Kyle has pubes. Wait a minute. What the? Wait, no, he planted it then. You fucking planted that. Yeah. So what?

So what is it? I think you planted it, so you... So here's your options. I have... So we would think you shave. I have pubes. So is what you're saying. You set me up.

Okay, you get one. The score's now what? Either I have pubes or I got pussy. What do you mean you got pussy? Why is that one of the two options? That's your ultimatum. Why is that one of the two options? Because you're accusing me of buying a razor to try to fuck a girl.

No, I think you bought a trimmer to fool me into thinking you had pubes, which you did. Congrats. But I don't. I can't tell who won this. I did. But. No, Kyle's did. Congrats. But I don't, I can't tell who won this. I did. But. No, Kyle's right. You gotta choose. Yeah, so wait, it's black and white in your brain? Did he get pussy?

Is it why I have pubes or did I get pussy? Look him in the eyes. That can't just be the two options. Yeah, it is. Why? It is. I don't, this is a lose-lose for me. Stop trying to be an intellectual. Uh-uh, it's a Why? It is. I don't... This is a lose-lose for me. Stop trying to be an intellectual.

It's a win-win for him. You're right. I think it can't just be black and white. I mean, it can. Why? Oh, man. I can't even tell you one thing we've talked about so far. I think we have to start over.

No. Or cut half and then start from there. No, no, no. I can't even tell you one thing we've talked about. No. I think we have to start over. No. Or cut half and then start from there. No, no, no. Let's keep going. Over the past week, my favorite Barstool employee dropped my favorite piece of Barstool content ever. Do you know what it was? What? It was Chris Castellani walking out of the Detroit Tigers game.

Do you see how mangled his hat was? No, I didn't see it. He had the most mangled hat in the world. It was... Was it chewed? It was almost... When you think mangled, you think torn up, ripped to some type of shred. Yes.

His hat was more hat. Yeah. It somehow broke and there was more of it. His hat was broken and it was extra hat. It was like he dropped his hat into a loom and he was like oh fuck directly into a loom and it just added more to the hat this hat's more hat i'm pulling it up now did you ever used to rub yours on the curb to get like the fray oh yeah that was but now you can buy but it was the most astounding thing it was

just it's the he his hat is broken but there's more of it yeah it just grew as a hat yeah oh fuck my hat's broken which is more hat there is yeah it it was go it was like the opening day video the best i was it's i was enamored by the hat you see it but you have it you're a sucker for hat anomalies i am i am well you um this will be coming out before the live dozen event, but you're wearing a really, really tiny hat to the dozen live. Don't spoil. And you got it early. No spoilers. You got it today.

I don't want to spoil a tiny bit. You got the tiny hat today, and you immediately lost it. And this hat is so small. Where did you find that? Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. We were looking everywhere around the office for your tiny hat that you lost in three seconds. You guys know he lost it, right?

Yeah. Did you know he found it? No. You and Jeff D'Lo were scrambling everywhere, looking in every nook and cranny, every corner. It was on my head under my hat. It was so, that's the thing. Well, that just shows you how small of a hat it is

i didn't fucking feel it and you know what you got you had jeff looking everywhere in the office he was that was under your other hat do you have it on you it's not on my head under my hat anymore but it's jeff has it jeff has it. Yeah. Was Jeff pissed? You had him looking everywhere. Uh-huh. My scalp neary an itch. It was under your hat. Oh my God.

You're but it was so typical of you to like, all right, like he handed it to you and just to look at just to hold and then you lost it immediately just like your backpack just like your alien mask mind you the alien mask is not the item that could destroy you in the backpack is it no no and it turns out it wasn't

in there the item thank god yeah somewhere is this the boys at kansas that's sick hi sick hi boys they thought that was sick ho SIGCHI boys? The SIGCHI boys. The SIGCHI boys? The SIGCHI boys. What's that? The SIGCHI boys. Oh, shit.

SIGCHI. SIGCHI. You had an interesting item in your suitcase. What was it? Are we trying to start something else I don't know no my suitcase was this big for like two weeks I was disgusting by the end of that trip I had to leave back I didn't bring home the duck cups

that were $50 you had a Ta-Nehisi coats book in your luggage what is that it's what you would look like if you were black what alright that's what you would look like if you were black what all right um i guess i'll google that but first today's episode kyle brought to you by whom raising canes game time game time time the guys who are right across from us no no it's another app oh yeah game time it's the new exclusive exclusive ticketing partner

barstool sports created by fans for fans it's a new ticketing app that allows uh easier to score last minute tickets to sports concerts and shows if you had to have one ticket on your person right now what would you get a ticket to any show or concert of all time yeah i just bought my mom tickets to mrs doubtfire for her birthday. You forgot your mom's birthday two years in a row. Yeah, now she has to go to Mrs. Doubtfire. She wanted to go to Mrs. Doubtfire. She doesn't want to go to Mrs. Doubtfire. She told me earlier.

Nobody actually wants to go to a play. She loves plays. I don't believe that. I promise. And I got her the tickets. She was very excited. I do believe that. I've been to a play.

You're mad. I loved it. Shut up. You're mad you forgot your mom's birthday two years in a row and your sister's one year in a row. I'm not mad. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You are mad. I loved it. Shut up. You're mad you forgot your mom's birthday two years in a row and your sister's one year in a row. I'm not mad. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You are mad. I was mad.

You thought it was a plot against you? Yeah, because if they wanted me to know, they would let me know. That's something you drop in the group chat. You drop that it's your birthday? Or we're in a family group chat. You should know your family member's birthday. Do you? Yes.

What's your sister's birthday? Name the date. Mine's April 20th. My sister's is April 28th. It's the same exact year and day the iPod Classic came out. That's how I remember it. April 28th, 1999. Little sister, iPod Classic.

What about you? You can remember who Texas defeated the general in the Alamo. You could tell me the state capital of Burundi. Sister's birthday? Antonio de Padua, Maria Severino Blanco De Santa Ana Y Perez de Lebron and be sure to download

the game time app guys get Tiga oh man any promo codes nah but thank you to game time thank you for supporting the podcast

um fuck uh we had merch come out and we need people to buy that because uh the last couple drops not good looks for the boys so yeah that's just a little just peppering that in there

we should sponsor one of our episodes wear our merch that wouldn't do anything why not we don't raise awareness enough at all by we i mean you oh my god anything else you want to talk you want to carry it out carry what out this i'm done i was just gonna pepper in that a little bit the whole podcast why i'm done why are you done i'm done. I was just going to pepper in that a little bit. The whole podcast. Why? I'm done. Why are you done? I'm done.

Fuck no, baby! So we're recording this on a Wednesday, as we typically do. We have a video coming out tonight. We went to San Antonio. We were there for like a day and a half before this boxing match. Yeah, we were. And we decided to try to film something. And we didn't exactly know what we were filming.

And so what you're seeing is just a kind of a random stream of what we did. Which was nothing. Yeah. Yeah, it was nothing. We made the most of it. What we wanted to do was take in as much of the city as possible. So we went to an art museum, some restaurants. And that most of it. What we wanted to do was take in as much of the city as possible. So we went to an art museum, some restaurants. That's really it. That was it.

We went to an art museum and two restaurants. Right. And we had this big idea, this big grand idea that we were going to do some sort of investigative journalism piece. You did. Yeah. Yeah. You just read Ta-Nehisi Coates. Stop.

What is that? You wanted to be some type of highbrow journalist. Did you disagree with it? With what? The idea. Yes. What are you talking about? You were on board.

You look like Dr. Lipschitz. Shut the fuck up. Which is hilarious because you also look like Chucky Finster's dad. Chucky Finster's dad. Chucky Finster's dad. What was his name? Carl? Black Widow? What the fuck are you – that's what I'm saying.

What is happening? This shit's easy, though. I just said something that made no sense. Y'all laugh. Y'all cracking up. At the absurdity of it, you can't make that the norm. Yeah, and that's something you can't teach. Yes, you can.

You just said a random thing. Because anybody can just say a random nothingness, but they won't get laughs. You have to really cherry pick when you use that. I think you're using it as a crutch. Eww! We posted that clip of the goth hooters, was real we never got the name of it that was real yeah it was right above us dude i don't fucking pay attention at all yeah it was some girl we interviewed she was a crystal peddler yeah we stopped there's not gonna pay attention to a crystal peddler honestly we, we might have accidentally walked into a riddle

because we walked under a bridge and there was a crystal peddler and she was showing us her wares. And then she was like, you know there's a goth hooters above us and we just left her. I might have stolen a crystal from her. Crystal peddler sounds like a creative way to put a meth dealer on a resume. Yeah, you're right. No, she was just like a hippie chick

and she told us about the goth hooters and then you did that and they were like, KB's humor is now 100% sounds. That was a maneuver combined with a sound? Sure. Maneuver. Yeah, a little offensive

to say the sound is the only humor. Louis CK's humor is 100 sounds granted they're jokes ck you need to start hearing things instead of just reading them wait what it's louis uh yeah that's his nickname no l-o-u-i-s is louis it's louis another w for me no l-o-u-i-s hisS is Louis. His name is Louis. His name is Louis. The show is Louis. Right, but if you spell it out, L-O-U-I-S. You call someone named Louis Louis, that's commonplace. No, that's Louis.

Really? Yeah. Oh, fuck. You thought he was French. L-O-U-I-S. Fuck. Really? Yeah.

I-E would be Louis. This is just getting pathetic, dude. You're a sound guy. I'm trying to string together words. I'm trying to chug the fucking podcast along. Oh, yeah, yeah pathetic dude you're a sound guy i'm trying to string together words i'm trying to chug the fucking podcast along and you're a sound guy and then you try to say it's a maneuver yeah no act a sound plus maneuvers act you're cranky funniest part of that to me was his arms his man i could have watched that thing on mute yes guess who directed him exactly guess who directed you know you didn't do that? Guess who directed him to do that?

I said, Kyle, do the Scooby-Doo run. And did you? Hardly. That wasn't a Scooby-Doo run. But if I say to do a Scooby-Doo run, that's kind of it. I would wag my tail. From the show Scooby-Doo, not the character Scooby-Doo, I wanted you to be like Shaggy or Fred.

I'd obviously be Velma. You got to respond man i don't you do it's a podcast yeah you would be velma thank you it's a back and forth and sometimes you just look down and don't say anything yeah if i think that would make it better than me responding then i'm do, I'm doing whatever is best for the show. It's a podcast. And you think best for the show is not talking? Sometimes I'm a risk reward wear. And I do it so fast. Give me the process.

Give me the thought process. I can calculate risks versus rewards, weigh the statistics, weigh the algorithms, weigh the permutations, subtract the permutations if need be multiply them if if necessary so so give me what went through your head when i said i was like if i could respond to your joke that you look like velma yeah which i don't even know if is that a

joke or is it no i was being dead serious and then what could and i was thinking what could i possibly say instantaneously sure and then i thought about it and it was the only thing that came to mind was more like Selma, California, the suburb of Fresno. And instead, I decided to be silent. You should have done more like Selma. More like Selma. Selma Blair, the actress? Hayek. That's Selma.

See? Hayek That's Salma Let's Wait we never do sounds Never do do sounds Let's spiral into a realistic fight I'm on the cusp Me too I don't have to act. You don't think he's being a pussy, do you? I think he needs a fucking menstrual health break.

Do you think he's being a pussy? Give me a talking point come on man you start one i'm trying we don't have anything that happens yeah but we have to have something yeah yeah and then we'll get it all right we'll get it is there any doctors from rugrats that i look exactly like lips you look like i would imagine dewey decimal looks like if that was a person the guy who was named after dewey yeah you why glasses i don't know i'm getting lasik this year this better get used to that i don't get that i i kind of get it if you're like if it's a nuisance to your day-to-day life it is is. I can't see without an apparatus.

Yeah. I'm blind as fuck without this. No. A very losable, breakable object. How is that not a nuisance? Yeah, I mean, it's not. It is. You probably don't even feel the glasses on your face anymore.

And you need them. Put them back on. No. I've worn glasses since first grade and I'm tired of it. I think the people who interact with you

need you to wear them. No. Because I can't right now. It looks weird. No, you better get used to it because I'm tired. I want to wear other accessories. Counterpoint,

I don't want to. I want to wear other... I'm a hat guy and a glasses guy. Already I look incogn I'm a hat guy and a glasses guy. Already, I look incognito. Whenever I... And a beard guy. Why do you want to be cognito?

I look like a creative character. You want to be cognito? They want everything. I want to be cognito. Why? Because, dude. I don't want to... I want to be...

No, you want to be incognito. See what I mean dude that made no sense Owen's cracking up no I'm I'm done with those I'm actually gonna go

glasses listen you wanna be in incognito you wanna be fucking Richie the only time you'd be fucking rich now you could say like that was an offensive line you say actually let's run that back kyle that was an offensive line no no let's run from the top. Yeah, yeah, yeah. From the top. All right. Why would you want to be incognito?

No, he wants to be cognito. I want to be cognito. Wait, are you dead serious? You want to redo all of that? So you want to be the inverse of incognito. Oh, God. Yes, I do. So in incognito.

No, we don't need to run that back. I think the people got the gist there. Be like more urban. How? More urban. You've been breaking out into jazz standards lately. It's Friday night and the moon is right. No.

How is Keith urban? That was not a jazz standard. He said that was Keith Irving. He's been freestyling. He's been freestyling jazz songs. So we did a Barstool Shopping Network yesterday, and I grabbed – we had to change socks for a part of it. Of course. And so I grabbed Kyle's socks, and I was like, oh, wrong pair of socks.

And he just goes, ooh, wrong pair of socks. And that's what it was. And you just kept on doing that for like 20 minutes how'd it go hey how'd it go did my thing said to laughs gotten ratio is would rival would would you guys were about to laugh regardless of what I said which is humbling now that I think about it I've been like consciously aware of when

people laugh at me and it's it's it's always they start laughing before the punchline comes and so it's that should make you self calm I know that means it doesn't matter no but it's all based on your face i disagree i disagree i'm so confident in your punch line i know i'm just on that's what i'm saying i just i i know it's not that i don't know i know i got i got you i got you i got you you're laughing right now because i'm pissed because it's true it just makes me wonder either i am like the least talented person in the

world or i have transcended talent to a point that i am almost as like a superior life you've been bringing up that you're god i've been i have been you were just an ethereal form of i did fake shrooms that were probably dmt i've been like i i you hear about people like they do like a hallucinogenic or a trip whatever it wrote a trip trip drug yeah and they ego death mine was the opposite whatever makes your ego go sky fucking sky yeah dude yeah dude you brought up you know how horrified I am of planes on the plane back from Texas, you were like, if this goes down, everybody will die except me. No, I fantasized about that, which might be worse. That's worse.

Imagine being the only one to survive a commercial plane crash. I would be riddled with survivor's guilt. I understand human emotions, and I know when to feel guilt or when I should act like I feel guilt. Not then. What would... Not then. What would you feel? That's the ultimate...

I think that is the ultimate situation a human being can be in. Be surrounded by death? Be scarred? Survive a fucking plane crash? You're the only one who survived. Yeah? Why would you want that? That is amazing. That would be an amazing fear. You're a miracle is that is amazing amazing fear you're a miracle you're a miracle a what a miracle you were saying a miracle it's miracle no it ain't

miracle miracle like the cat? Miracle? Miracle. No, it isn't. It's not miracle. Yeah, it is. Miracle. Yes. Say it again. Miracle.

Are you hearing this? Is that wrong? Yeah, dude. It's miracle. Miracle. You're going too hard on the E. You're saying miracle. Yeah, that's what it is. Wait, if it's not an old miracle, it's a...

If it's not an old miracle? The opposite of an old miracle. A new miracle? Well, no. It would be like a new common occurrence. Like a new mundane thing. What were you trying to get him with? Because he says miracle. He says miracle.

But it's new miracle, new miracle. Oh, you're right. And you're saying miracle. That's two different words. It sure is. But you're not saying a word. You're saying miracle. You're doing like a straw man's fallacy.

How so? You've just been wanting to drop straw man's fallacy. It's a logical fallacy. An illogical fallacy. How so? You've just been wanting to drop strawman's fallacy. It's a logical fallacy. An illogical fallacy. That's not a word. Illogical? Mm-hmm. Isn't a word?

It's a word. Yeah, obviously. Oh, God. Update the scores. Update the scores. Today's episode is also brought to you by... Any guesses? Raising Cane's. No, no, no.

Which is a wonder how they're thriving, because they are, right? Yeah. Raising Cane's is thriving as a business, you say, huh? Cain's is thriving as a business, you say, huh? Which is odd because that's something that has historically been very hard to do since the book of Genesis. Even Adam and Eve couldn't quite get a hold of that. But raising Cain's is still... Oh, man. God damn it.

You might be God. Genesis, if the Bible was just Genesis, or if that was the start of a different book, you would think it would be awesome. Genesis? Yeah. Between the Noah's Ark, which is still fun even in adulthood to think about the prospect of every species of animal doubled and then on a single boat.

Sure. And then it's also, it just like, there's a morbid curiosity in like having, finally having a child. Okay. Figuring it out from scratch organically how to conceive. Yes. And then that child murders the other one, and then Seth comes along. Sure.

That is the start of a very interesting book. I don't think Noah's Ark was in Genesis. Oh, another L for Nick. Nick, at this point, I... Noah's Ark wasn't in Genesis. Actually, edit this out, because I don't want Nick to take this many L's in one episode. Noah's Ark was in Genesis?

What do you think it was? In Revelations? No, but I think Genesis. That's like one of the only known things. You can ask a layman. You can ask a Hindu and they'd be like, yeah, Noah's Ark. That's the Genesis story. No way.

That's the original story of the Bible. No, it's not, dude. Don't tell me that. It's not. Noah's Ark isn't in the book of Genesis. How in the hell? Can we fact check this? You're gonna look like a fool for being heated. I'm doing the gym face. Wait, wait.

I'm doing the gym face. Today's episode is brought to you by Felix Graves, Kyle. Genesis chapter 6. not even deep. Jesus Christ. Wait, was Sodom and Gomorrah in Genesis? How big of a book was that? How big of a... Genesis is a unit.

What are you talking about? That's the original Bible story. No, but I'm saying Adam and Eve were like the first people. How many years did that book span? Also, I looked up Cain died when he was 107. Cain did? No, he was wandering. What?

Homeless people never die. What? He was just a wanderer. He was wandering the wastes. Are you thinking of like the object Cain? I'm talking about the boy from the Bible. I'm talking about the boy too. He was just a wanderer. He was wandering the wastes. Are you thinking of the object, Cain? I'm talking about the boy from the Bible. I'm talking about the boy, too. He was a shepherd.

I thought he was exiled. What? He killed his brother. He was bludgeoned. He killed his brother. Oh, Cain was... No, Cain was murdered. Cain killed Abel.

Oh. Yes! Is that it? Yes. Point, Nick. There ain't no wrestler named Abel. He was named after Cain, the evil. He might have actually tried to be.

I think he was him. Felix Graves, though. Non-prescription or prescription available. You can go to F-E-L-I-X-G-R-A-Y-Glasses.com slash S-T-O-R-Y. Story for free shipping, free returns, free exchanges. Yeah, I like all the styles, and they really help my eyeballs. Give me a lot of protection from blue light.

Didn't somebody physically split custody of a kid in the Bible? Yeah, Lazarus. No, he came back from the dead. Lazarus was blind, and he was leprosy. He was a leper. Lazarus wasn't. He was a leprosy he was a leper Lazarus wasn't was he? you probably did research on this to get me no

Abraham was about to split his son you think of conversation as a competition I do that's so unhealthy you think you're God that's way worse. Okay, I do think that maybe.

But cut the part where I talked about fantasizing about surviving a plane, being the lone survivor of a plane crash. Because we've got a lot of lip shits in the comments. They try to diagnose me. They're taking me seriously when I go on these tangents. they're taking me seriously when i go on these tangents not a fan not something that i would not like my main not like the the the fantasy that i would have what's the fantasy what's the fantasy yeah what's your white whale i just always like go back in time and like beat the shit out of someone who disrespected me. Really? That's fair.

Who? I remember some guy was 2000. It was at a sophomore year of college. He called me. You got disrespected by a homeless man. Yesterday. You fell for it. You did too.

No, I didn't. Yeah, I did. Yeah, you did. He walked up to you. He said, hey, I'm blind. Hey, I'm blind. And you said, okay, can I help? And he said, yeah, a dollar.

And you said, no. And he said, fuck you and your boyfriend too. And I didn't say a word. So he was obviously able to see. This is awesome because uh he just said fuck you yeah and in your you know you had like away and he said in your boyfriend you had some grand fantasy about him saying no he said that he just said fuck you he said and your boyfriend too you wanted him to say that no I didn't no you wanted that to happen you're backing me you guys

are ganging up on me now you have hope you me now no that's your fantasy you have a fetish you have a fetish to gang up on me you have a fetish of being mistaken as my boy said your boyfriend did he say that yes i would have went buck wild if he said that you didn't go buck wild i said fuck you back you did then what did he yeah he wasn't blind at all well no he was blind if he thought I would be dating you. Well, love is blind. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, you're right. Kyle, I want to pitch this to you.

Owen, myself, Tyler. Yeah. Real 50 cent right here. Your pitch is going to just dribble a couple feet forward and then roll slowly and not even hit me. It won't even hit home with me. So do the pitch. He's going Adam Devine mode, bro. He's going Adam Devine.

He's going Bush after 9-11 from the rubber right at you. So well. Okay. Yeah, well. Yeah. We want to do another video diary on our way to Chicago in the car. We want to do a road trip to Chicago. No.

Why? Why? No. Why? I'll just fly. But it'll be fun. It'll be fun. Car conversations are the funniest They are

And we're good friends And it'd be fun Let's do it Or you could fly and meet us there We'll send someone with you to follow you And they'll merge I would road trip Yeah

We could stop at some stops Yeah Would you be down? Let's leave Friday Saturday's Roan's Rap Battle Let's leave Friday Yeah, yeah I've seen your clips, brother

They're good, but I can just watch them After it happens. I want to go support the boy. And then Sunday, it's Easter. We could drive on Easter. This Sunday's Easter? Yeah, that's right. And this Friday's Good Friday?

Why do they call that good? I think it's just like being ironic, maybe. Yeah, it was ironic. It was pretty funny. It is funny. Given the subject matter. What should we call it? I need our conversations via text to start being private.

Why? You posted a text I sent you on your Instagram story to your fucking hordes of fans. You do have hordes, bro. It was me. I took a picture of you on the subway. Yeah, you photoshopped a Pokemon. I didn't photoshop it. That's the AR interface of Pokemon Go.

I must have had some false respect for false respect for Pokemon being, like, some, like, complex world of creatures. I'm going to stop you right now. You sent me an ice cream cone from an Acer computer program built in with the PC. It was a Vanellish. It's the middle evolution. It's a nice Pokemon. They do look like ice cream cones. Yeah, that was one of the first Pokemon designed by an American.

Ice cream cone. So that's a Pokemon? One is just an ice cream cone? Well, the first one's one scoop, the second one's two scoops, the third one's a double cone. So the Pokemon world is just like a toddler, a girl toddler imagination.

What if this species, this species that is so open-endedended we can do anything we want with it because it's not real what if one was an ice cream cone that's the magic of it and guess what type i just don't get i actually i get the appeal of things like that but first of all one is a ice cream cone with a face how do you like respect that community it's that's creative dude it's art. It's high art even. And I was taking a picture of my Vanellish and you happen to be in the background.

But I got some I got some stray DMs making fun of you for your post. What would they make fun of me for? They said you look like a Larvitar, which is a Pokemon, and you look exactly like it. You like, no, you put my, you put my picture of me in a filter. It ran it through some programs and then reverse imaged it with like a,

with like a code. You did. I had two people say, Kyle looks like a Larvitar. You didn't know you did that yourself. No, I can show you the DM. And you do look like it a lot. Larvitar. No. I can show you the DM. Bzz. And you do look like it.

A lot. Larvitar? Yeah. Tar. You don't need to add a D. Larvitar? Yeah. I guess it's a little better.

Oh. Yeah, he's sleek. He's... You look like him. I'll take that. Owen. Owen, yeah. Look up from your phone from what you were doing to look at this Larvitar that Nick thinks I look at.

Yeah, that's got to be KB. I'm just saying. We all have Pokemon we look like. You're Larvitar'd. We don't have to use any of that. Do you think if they made a Barstool movie they'd combine our characters into one person has that ever been done that happened yeah it happens all the time in movies they combine two two people that kind of have moments but into one more relevant being how like in the motley crew dirt movie that like their manager was two people in real life no like they would just cast

one person to play us how How would that ever work? Like who would believe that? Well, people don't know the real story. So if they watch this movie, this person would have both of our traits. He's taking on two roles? No, Kyle. They're just playing one person. They just fictitiously combine a person.

Into what? So who would he be? Who would play us? You're saying this is a this is like a trend in cinema or like a thing that's happened happens all the times like based on true stories but if somebody is not relevant enough in the story they combine two irrelevant people to make one slightly more relevant oh which is like a hybrid of their characteristics? Yeah. Mm-hmm. I don't know. I feel like you and I would be like T.S. Eliot.

My, like, you know, I would be like the wordsmith section. You'd be transsexual Elliot Page. And you would have the looks. Who is T.S. Eliot?

T.S. Eliot's a very famous writer. You're thinking of A.A. Milne. No, I'm not. You're thinking of E.E. Cummings. Yeah, I was. I was. God, people just say their name. No cap. People just thinking of A.A. Milne. I'm not. You're thinking of E.E. Cummings. I was. God, people just say their name. No cap. People just say their name as anything.

See, E.E. Cummings didn't use capital letters, and so that's, the intellectuals are going to be guffawing in their mansions at that joke. No, but why don't you go ahead and make a sound for the other half? Do you want some of the fudgy? No, I don't want any of the fucking...

It's like a dessert beer. Why would I want a dessert beer? I have half of a watermelon Jolly Rancher. Hoarded away in my cheek. Oh, dude, that smells awful. He farted in it while you were gone. Did you fart in it? Yeah. gone you farted yeah god damn it wait did you did it was it on camera yeah you didn't fucking fart in that yes he did you got

it on camera there's no way a fart could hold in this i mean don't seeping out the best few minutes put the clip in let's save that for me okay save that for me just did you did he put his mouth to it though i smelled it you smell we'll check the tapes you got close you got in there i did get in there you didn't fucking fart i know i would know if you fart in there uh people are like invested in the case race we're doing tomorrow oh yeah like i'm already getting like shit talked on me from whom i'm talking it back what are you saying he's like your ipa idea was so fucking stupid can't wait to watch you pussy out after your second drink lol you gotta think like i don't know if if the demo is college age that's when you're that's the most important thing in the

world is like whether or not you could have 12 beers on the spot. No, this is like, this can make or break us. We could lose every single fan we have tomorrow. Yeah, they correlate it with, I guess. The amount you can drink correlates to your success as a man. That was the case. Yes, and it still is. But I just don't get how they can't do the simple math, whereas if I have eight Fudgy the Beers, hypothetically.

It's more. That's somehow in their eyes less impressive. It is. Case races are quantity. Yeah. It's significantly less impressive. I think alcohol percentage is more think it'd be easier to have 12 natty lights than six raging bitch ip not as a race though yes still people are always like

oh you're a pussy you don't want to you don't want to light beer you don't want a three percent beer you pussy you're going to drink that that 13 bottled soju instead so like it's about ingesting it's not about so what is what is the act that is like impress 13% bottled soju instead. It's about ingesting. It's not about the drunk. So what is the act that is masculine to them? I think the quantity of ingesting a large mass. It's weird that light beer is the most masculine beer. Yeah, it is shocking.

But then a light martini, like a clear vodka drink or a clear liquor drink is feminine that's that's the same logic as like oh it's way cooler to to to fucking devour uh eight uh pieces of fried okra instead of one uh steak well is it cooler is it cooler to power lift once or is it cool to do, incline 80 pounds not to failure? It depends. Okay, yeah, no, the maintenance cool for that would be if I did it once, like, 300-pound dumbbells in each hand.

That's cooler? That would be the same level as cool as if I do 10 to 12 not to failure with 80-pound dumbbells in each hand. That's cooler. That would be the same level as cool as if I do 10 to 12, not to failure with 80 pound dumbbells. Same thing. That, that is like, that's the most that people ever get pissed at me is whenever I bring that up.

Well, you were sleeveless in San Antonio. Your arms were looking pretty good. They're getting bigger. They're getting bigger. I figured out the secret. Steroids. Yeah.

Yeah. It's so simple. Yeah. Yeah. You're going bigger. I figured out the secret. Steroids? Yeah. Yeah. It's so simple. Yeah. Yeah. You're going to get a text from your mom the second this podcast releases. I know. Are you doing steroids? No, I'm not on steroids.

You were talking to somebody in the office about getting them. No, I wasn't. That's something I would never do. Why? You do everything else. No, I don't. Yeah, you do. No, I would never do. Why? You do everything else. No, I don't. Yeah, you do. No, I just wouldn't.

That's something I don't need. I don't need to be bulky. You don't want to be bulky? I don't get this. Bodybuilders are so weird. They're obsessed with physiques. That's so weird to me. I lift because I want to get better at the act of lifting.

When people try to get better at something, that should be the goal because i want to like get better at the act of lifting that's what when people get like try to get better at something that should be the goal i want to lift more weights you don't care about looking good i would i would like it's like an extra boost but i would rather i would want to i'm trying to get better with what i lift so the the better you are at lifting like those power it doesn't correlate at all it doesn't correlate they're like the the like the barrel chested fat i just. Would you be fine looking like that? No. I just want to lift more weights.

I want to lift heavier weights. I started lifting weights when I went sober over the summer with the goal of progressing, and that's still my goal. That was the worst thing that's ever happened to you. It was. Yeah, because then you'd found Kratom and then you fell off the wagon hard and stayed on kratom yeah yeah it was just you didn't need to do that no you thought you were god back then too oh my god no i did i saw life better no going sober is is a good idea. And that was a good idea. Do it again.

I got to wait till it gets bad enough so that going sober feels like an entirely different drug. You're... Yeah. I just need to experience one of these feelings. I've never felt close to God. Neither have I. I feel like I am a God. That's what I meant. You never felt that to God. Neither have I. I feel like I am a God. That's what I meant. You never felt that?

No. Take some DMT with the boys. You left it all in your backpack in Kansas. Yeah, the remaining bit is in there. If they wanted to take it. Your backpack, you could have either left that the contents of your backpack could have been found in a kindergarten classroom and it would have not shocked anybody all right we have an alien mask a bunch of melted chocolate some raspberry juice

not raspberry juice the juice of raspberries that somehow became juice. They pureed. They got smashed, Kyle. Yeah. You thought it was the heat. Well, raspberries aren't a juicy fruit. Yes, they are. No. Why did you sound like Nicolas Cage when you said that?

Your raspberries are a juicy fruit. They're not. Look at the bottom of the container. They're filled with juice. I eat fruit all the time. No, they're not a juicy fruit. They don't burst in your mouth. Burst doesn't equate to juice. They're furry and they don't really they're the flavor is it's a good flavor but it's lacking they're juicy it's compact it's compact there's like the different contain the chambers in a

raspberry that are filled with juice the same as an orange has those little containers what oh jesus i'm just like retracing the past two weeks in my head like like in my head i'm like i was like proud of myself i did all these like like these good things for my career and then i thought about what i actually did outside of this barstool content i partied at sig kai failed to party at sig kai i lost my alien mask that i wore for work uh and then i went to san antonio pretended to be a rug rat and what do you mean you pretend to be a rug rat i'm thinking of lip shits but when i did like that yeah like a cartoon yeah yeah you did that's it's your job though it sucks yeah no it doesn't suck it's an awesome job it just it's zero... It kind of sucks to know that your job is just nothing.

Knowing that and knowing that, yeah, while my friends are proud of me, they probably look down on this immensely. Yeah. Like, damn, that's so embarrassing what he's doing. There was one comment on our vlog that just said 30. Video diary. And that just said 30 video diary and they just said 30 and i was and i was what do you say back to that no uh we're 29 by the way sure i'm getting out in front of it because i'm gonna do it next year yeah because that's why i did it i said i'm 30 and still doing this lol do you think i'm gonna be 30 next year and i'm so I can just have another year.

Maybe we can do a video of you going back to Kansas to get your mask back. Yeah, it'd be fun. No, because on the way to the airport, we were all just like, all right, let's agree to never go back here to Kansas. Yeah. Yeah. Kansas was bad. Probably the worst state.

Over in Nebraska? No, it's one of the worst. It was it was just bad. The people were nice. They just didn't have a culture. Yeah. Really just no identity. I respect cultures that are negative more than something that just is a lack of culture.

San Antonio. Go ahead. Go ahead. It felt like a custom spoiler on a Nissan Sentra against Sentience, went to Aeropostale, bought it out, and then posted a recommendation on Facebook for a local off-brand Skyzone trampoline park that's cheaper for the kid's birthday. Yeah, it did feel exactly like that.

That was perfect. Some big red lips. Your lips were so red for the past two weeks. exactly like that. That was perfect. Some big red lips. Your lips were so red for the past two weeks. I know, and I wasn't drinking or consuming anything with red dye. You had a big red margarita. But it was when I was

on the roof, you told me I looked like I had red lips. You did have red lips on the roof. Rewatch that clip. It was the reddest lips I've ever had. Now I'm just going to be self-conscious. My lips are just oddly red. For no reason. You had a full handle of Pink Whitney.

Yeah. Yeah, you did. No, I didn't. Almost. No, I didn't. You had about one to two sips of it. I just remembered that part.

What happened to the rest of it? Fell. Where? the rest of it fell where where to fall falling is subjective