A New Untold Story - A New Untold Story: Ep. 296 - Who Is Tracking Kyle Bauer?

Episode Date: June 9, 2022

|| A New untold Story: Ep. 296 - Who Is Tracking Kyle Bauer? || In response to some SNL alums taking a page out shopping network's book, we took a crack at some weekend update style jokes. We riffed, driveled, riffed, driveled. Until an absolutely BONKERS whodunnit arose in real time... || Full episode also available to watch on YouTube!You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, A New Untold Story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad-free on Amazon Music. A new untold Story episode 298. 299 will be the next episode. And then the big 300. It's 296, by the way. Okay. It's 296, so you were off and it's not actually 296. Right.

But I think, is our 100th episode coming up? Yeah, I think it's mid-July. And we have a big big big indian interview banked for that i won't say who we're interviewing but let's just say it's indian he did you do an indian impression no he freaked me out because like he texted me he's like hey i didn't appreciate the indian impression on podcast. Maybe I did doing it. And yeah, maybe I was, I, maybe I did sound like an Indian man, but just one that doesn't have an accent.

Yeah. Yeah. This is my Indian impression right now. Hello. Pretty good. Huh? Pretty fucking great. A woke impressionist would be funny and they just talk like themselves.

Don't you hate it when you go to a Chinese convenience store and they're like hey welcome what can i get what can i do for you why every uber driver is on the phone and they're always whispering yeah they are in a constant conversation if you're middle eastern you're there's you're on the phone 24 seven and you're speaking at low decibels, but they're always talking and never getting talked back to. I've never heard somebody coming from the range. Yeah. It's odd. Today's episode is brought to you by hello fresh.

It's a shame. This is a PG 13 PG ad because hello fresh makes me want to fucking come. Now I'm going to start the ad officially you don't have to why they come right to your they come to you they do that's right this is straight from the farm which i know you don't yeah they do the delivery guys yes they have to go to the farm first it's a real pain okay they're not paid very well they need tipped yeah that you got a tip on when they come so this is cheap it net net it's cheaper than grocery shopping but after the tip it's not well it's much cheaper than eating out yeah so it's a huge win for you uh hello fresh delivers fresh quality produce from the farm to

your door like i said foolproof step-by-step recipes for a stress-free summer you never cook you don't know how you can with this yeah and uh seasonal summer recipes like cucumber salad stuffed pita pockets there's a 10 syllable food that's everything combined yeah that's every food too many syllables eating a corn sausage stuffed peppers tuscan shrimp, a lot of syllables. They've been stuffing. Their newest menu release includes Mediterranean recipes. Filled with fresh fruits and veggies, nuts, olive oils, and fiber-packed whole grains for nourishing balance. Promo code, Kyle? Personal endorsement.

Yes. Yes. Yeah, I loved all of those. I like the stuffed peppers the most. You have to give the promo code personal endorsement yes we yes what uh yeah i loved all of those i like the stuffed peppers the most um you have to give the promo code collaborative effort it usually never ever ever is uh go to hellofresh.com story 16 that's story s-t-o-r-1-6 for up to 16 it's not a percentage off it's 16 free meals meals. Yeah, it's awesome. It's a lot of meals. You eat those in one day or two weeks. And three free gifts.

That's just a gift. Isn't that a gift? That three free gifts are gifts. What's a non-free gift? It's a really great point. Yeah. Slave? Oh my God.

Play the fucking intro. You want to do a weekend update? Yep. Are you ready? Yeah. I haven't prepared at all. Just try to improvise something. I'll improvise.

You have quick wit. All right. Maybe we play a sound effect here. They want our podcast to be more segment driven. How about this? Try this on for size. Try it on for size. Stop looking at me like that.

Deliver your lines. Dustin Johnson quit the PGA Tour for the new LIV Saudi Golf League. He better wear pants while he's golfing in the desert, or his name is about to be his diagnosis. He's going to get dust in his penis. Pretty good. That was just right off the

dome. Go ahead. I like it. A disabled teen that fled Ukraine was surprised by john cena this week it's funny that disabled can be mispronounced as disable because that's still true they're usually strange looking bill gates has released his summer reading list this week. Never to be one-upped, fellow billionaire Tim Cook released his best places to fuck dudes list.

He's gay. He's a gay billionaire. a woman with 22 a woman with 22 pound breasts was thrown off a plane for looking too explicit in completely unrelated news Barstool Sports podcaster Nick Teraney is seen easily and tenderly

lifting 11 pound curls in the gym one bystander said he still had the energy to suck on the end of the dumbbells if he wanted to. The Wall Street Journal calculated that Queen Elizabeth's net wealth is around 500 million, which is shocking because she looks like absolute shit. million, which is shocking because she looks like absolute shit. Good segment. Good segment. Goodyear has recalled an RV tire that they stopped producing 19

years ago. Recalling a tired 19-year-old is just Dave Portnoy talking about last night. Jesus Christ. Please get dumb. Since COVID has slowed, high school reunions have spiked 25%. While some alumni are worried

about reverting back to social insecurities they had in high school, cooler alumni are calling the reunions a perfect place to womp on dorks oh these get really bad oh i'm going in order of good to bad okay japan's central bank chief is under fire for saying that citizens can just withstand inflation. That's pretty insensitive. The only person that can stand inflation is Violet Beauregard from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. She got turned into like a blueberry.

She was inflated into a blueberry. Deshaun Watson. Who got inflated like a blueberry. Deshaun Watson. Who got inflated into Violet Beauregard. Who's the only person that can stand inflation? That's gotta be Violet Beauregard. Oh, can you guys actually both look into the camera for the Beauregard delivery? That's gotta be Violet.

Okay. Japan's central bank chief is under fire for saying that people can just withstand inflation. That's the only person that can withstand inflation is Violet Beauregard, the purple woman from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Was it Charlie and the Chocolate Factory or Willy Wonka? It was both. She got inflated in both. Holy shit.

Her name was Veronica. It was Violet. You're turning Violet. She got inflated in both. Holy shit. It's Violet. You're turning Violet. She's turning Violet. Vatican documents have revealed a secret back channel between Pope Pius and Adolf Hitler.

This is so disappointing and embarrassing to be attached to this evil, said a spokesperson for Hitler. said a spokesperson for hitler deshaun watson is no longer public on twitter he must have learned that's another another way he can show his private it's as simple as that boys that was off the cuff i was right off the dome i was right off the dome that wasn't a job application for any other program fuck all right now i want to try now i think i can do it i didn't think i could i just read

straight down like the reddit news How do you look at news? Wall Street Journal and then Reddit news. I just read the headlines and I forced myself to write a joke. Those were like, that was like the 15 in a row hot. I was like, I got to do one for each. We might have. I used Reddit news as well. We probably have the same stories.

What'd you do? Five? Yeah. I might go three. A toddler was reunited with his parents in the US after being left in Afghanistan, giving us the inevitable Hollywood mashup remake Home Alone Survivor. It's not good. Kim Jong-un sent a letter congratulating the Queen and the British people for Platinum Jubilee celebrations. The closest American English translation of the characters used in his P.S. to the Queen would be, come on, just one titty.

Coastal Bangladeshi communities plant intensive mangroves to shield against ravenous cyclones as record number of Americans claim seasonal depression. Say that one. Mother of nine. Oh, this one is just, uh, all right. I don't remember.

Have a mother of nine graduates valedictorian for medical school and plans to become a neurosurgeon. Shut up and dribble those babies on your lap, said the salutatory. And then the last one, Ohio Republicans voted to put Canada on a federal watch list. Something about them selling build the damn shirts. I don't know. That's good.

Cutting their build the damn wall shirts to make it anti-Canadian instead of Mexican. A nice little twist. Tyler's got 15. Yeah, Tyler. Rip through them. Families of kids wound.

Oh, shit. Can't do that. Are you just reading? Rip through them. Families of kids won't know. Shit. Can't do that. Are you just reading? MEPs vote to end sale of petrol and diesel car by 2035 in EU. You're just reading headlines. Chicago woman says stranger moved into

home for sale and refuses to leave. It's working. It is. Honestly, that would be a weekend update where they just read the actual headlines in that tone.

Grand jury declines criminal charges for Springfield officer who ran over shooting victim last year? Pro-Russia officials open trial against Britain's. Fuck. Is it Brighton's or Britain? B-R-I-T-O-N-S.

The U.S. is going to phase out single-use plastic on public lands and national parks by 2032. I feel like I'm just like, I'm close to your level. You're close. It's the same exact thing. I need to, I actually want to do these. Pause.

We did. I want to do my own. Do you want to take 10? No, I'll do mine. We did. I want to do my own. Do you want to take 10? No, I'll do mine. We'll rotate. Maybe you could do something about the USBC mandate in the EU. Something about the USBC mandate in the EU?

EU. United States big cocks and European uteruses. Boom. Arby's has a Wagyu beef burger out. Huh? Huh? What? That's pretty Oh man And now you get to fuck Scarlett Johansson

It's as simple as that dude What does that mean? You're calling Jost Nick has to say the n-word That's right Which one would you, would you rather impregnate Scarlett Johansson or be able to say the N word? The latter by a mile.

Cause Scarlett Johansson will not fuck black dudes. So you, it is truly, you have to pick one or the other. Yeah. I'm trying to think of a hypothetical where that would be the case. The ultimatum. No,

it's the weekend update table. It's the two guys. You guys are reference. I don't know the reference. This is one of the more popular pieces of media, but you can go ahead and make a fucking baby Tron reference. Feel free. He's too mainstream now.

Is he? Is that ironic? I don't know. Is that a baby Tron reference you're making? Yeah. Alanis Morse. State Champs was in here. Yeah.

And you met him. Yeah, I came here early. You're a big fan. Yeah. State Champs rocks. I know. The guy was cool. I had him geeking.

You're always hanging out with me. I had him geeking. You lied. Fuck off. You lied. Yeah. I lied. I got nervous because I wanted to get a picture

i was like nuts so instead of just not getting a picture you said i have to go i have to go film something and i walked down the wrong way because they were like walking and doing a tour of the office i just stood in the green screen room for like 20 wouldn't you be nervous state champs yeah nah i'm used can do it again. You saw them live in the mirror. I wanted to deliver that one. So state champs was in the barstool office today. You saw them in, was it Virginia Beach?

I did. I saw state champs in the mirror. I saw them live in the mirror. I forgot to bring up something embarrassing that happened to you, Kyle. We were walking in our hotel and his phone, just from text to speech. Go ahead. It was the robot voice pronouncing

Stuyvesant to me. He was moving there and he had to google how to pronounce it it was just playing in his pocket not moving there by any means no i thought you were looking at an apartment there i just wanted to pronounce it really so you lied to me even then yeah so you just were looking up a word how to pronounce it yes because too many times you've said names wrong because you just read them. I think that's a fine thing. I said Andre Agassi and I was very embarrassed. I remember I said Waukesha instead of Waukesha three years ago. Yeah.

Yeah. Remember when I spelt the R word wrong for two years? You did too. Oh, in text. Yeah. He said tart. People do that all the time. Yes.

Why? I don't know. That's yeah it is yeah it is alanis is typing away um yeah i uh i the andre agassi has been haunting me that's do that on the yak oh yeah it's bad oh yeah, yeah. But you've done... I think it jumps out for you because you're very articulate. Sure, I guess. But I think Agassi is a better last name than Agassi. Yours isn't Tarani.

My last name? It should be. My last name should be Tarani, you think? Yeah, that's what everyone says. It's not spelled. All right, fuck it. That's it now. I think it's too rainy.

This is my grandpa's custom license plate. Number two. Oh, yeah. And it's in a rut backwards. Yes, it is. That's the phrase. The common phrase. KB.

Why don't you give me a weekend update? You know what? Did you guys see there's a uh a really really like uh what's the award for tv shows emmys yes it's like primetime emmy bait this show of 2x 3x snl alumni women granted um they do a zany home shopping network on showtime now oh shit so you know multi-million dollar damn near yeah uh network television that they're doing yeah they're doing a crazy shopping network um and it's getting a lot of emmy buzz god but they have been like marketing the hell out of it you know like the showtime main page has been plugging it which has done wonders for

it actually um and it's like getting emmy buzz there's like this is the most original you know and it's like i bet you they weren't marketing it on like like inopportune times for like the nocturnal crowd sure yeah exactly like yeah usually emmy voters go to sleep early and but the real fans are watching saturday at 3 a.m yeah right yeah who's up it's on a saturday at 3 a.m people in the club people in the people in the club do they want to laugh they want to laugh in the club yeah you're right so that's the that's when they should it would be a guaranteed emmy if they were putting the show out at 3 a.m. And I think you have to ignore like Showtime is almost over over flooding the my timeline with clips from that show.

But no, like I don't know how long that show could last just because the strain they have a team of writers on that show of like experienced writers that have done really great stuff. And they're working around the clock to put out like you know 20 30 minute episodes and so they probably just can't keep that up that's a lot of work for a team of people a team of writers 20 writers 20 plus yeah accoladed writers yeah

yeah so but good on them it's it's going to be we are we will never find joy in life regardless of what happens to us. Sure. Never. Yeah, that's fine. And it's yeah, it's just we're stuck.

We talked about it on last week's episode that people couldn't hear. Shout out for solely. Yeah. No, I guess the audio was fucked. I didn't. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, we talked about how I have not been excited for something.

In probably a decade. I think I've done, there's nothing more that I can do with my current like status in class. Yeah. Anything that I do in the future, I've already done some version of it. But it's got to suck that like you put together 14 days in a row of working 14 hour days just to come back to a city you can't live in. Yeah. Someone, someone texted me, not DM was like, how does it feel that like the dancing hot dog on the act can afford to live in Manhattan and you can't. There's like a team of guys who have acquired my number just to like, just to like reish, like confirm my insecurities.

Yeah. just to like, just to like, like confirm my insecurities. Yeah. They just send me like, not like mean spirited messages, but just things that I like think about a lot in a negative way. Um, stop and don't start rumors that Krista step. No, I don't want to put it,

but stop doing that. That's weird. And people are taking it too far. They are taking it too far. Um, cause I'd love to be on a show. I know. I'd even, I'd even honestly, one hand to God, I'd do it solo.

Like if he, if he just like. That's going to happen. Probably. Yeah. Yeah. That's how he wins. That's going to happen. Yeah.

You got to have TT on. No no i might not be alive because live in transgender podcast co-host but yeah what are you saying i might not be alive to go on a show because somebody's been coming into this the office asking for me saying they have a meeting with me i said this on the yak and he's bringing in a deck of pokemon cards to like challenge me yeah that's been that was like an afterthought. The first two times you told me, but thinking about it as it is, it's that's insane. Yeah. Because showing up because we have another guy that keeps showing up to and he'll DM us like, I mean, I'm in the lobby.

Yeah. Don't do that. Do not do not tell me you're in the lobby, especially because I know the ease of which you can get into this building. Mm hmm. Yeah. You might not live. Now, once it when it was just Ebonyony you could have just come here every day well you're saying people it's it's way easier to live and not die than you

think you think yeah but it also is easy to die there's a point of no return. Yeah. Tiff, the male woman here. She's a female male woman. She's mad at me. She said it's on site because she thinks it was. You went on the podcast. You said it. Pull the clip. You said she had a fake ass.

And apparently. You said she bought her fake ass from the Dominican Republic. You said that. Which isn't even a knock. You said she had a fake ass. And apparently you said she, she bought her fake ass from the Dominican Republic. You said that isn't even a knock. You said that, but then you got to the office before me and you told Ebony, I said it because they can't tell us apart. There's nothing wrong with going to the Dominican Republic to get a fake ass. I think it's a real ass.

It's like, as a matter of fact, I know it's a real ass because there was no sign of incision unless they went in through like her shoulder and brought it all the way down. I think they are doing that. Are they? Yeah. Especially if you have like a it's like when it's like when the bug is underneath the skin in the mummy

and it's just going down until it rests in the butt cheek. Yeah. Rest in peace, Benny. You know, you got to lay on your stomach for like the next 24 hours watching those flights like the videos of this on an airplane yeah that's how you gotta buy three seats yeah could you still like lay vertically

or yeah they just like plank lay vertically yeah okay this dude's laying vertically now that's a standing man uh somebody's sleepy i'm waiting in line oh are you sleeping need a little rest um what else is going on boy do you have more weekend update stuff don't you no yeah you do no not really from from the past yeah we tried to do it uh last week we tried a couple weeks ago we tried to do a more produced version it just didn't come off as us yeah i i could throw that in this episode on youtube we could do that yeah just within the episode if people want to watch it yeah we try to give honest feedback it was a trial run for sure yeah for sure but we just wanted to see if we could do it it's kind of like a fun writing yeah it's a. But we just wanted to see if we could do it. It's kind of like a fun writing exercise. Yeah, it's a good exercise. I'm trying to see if I skipped

anything. Nope, said everyone. Oh, I said everyone. Kyle's were the best too. I know. Just the meta, just no. It's like his gecko joke. No punchline. That pissed me off. People, make sure you hype the mine up. What? My segment. Yeah yeah let's clickbait this video

kb puts snl weekend update to shame colin joe's killed himself on the spot the thumbnail is kyle just uh just kyle yeah that'll be the thumb honestly yeah let's we need like a, I see like the out and about guys, all their thumbnails are pretty much similar branding. Yeah. We should just have just the same photo of Kyle for every single. Yeah. I think it's a pretty good idea. We're just like the number in the bottom, right?

Yeah. Cause like we get, we get emails about how our thumbnails aren't consistent. They're about to be consistent. Pictures of you don't really exist. I try to Google you to Photoshop often. People have told me that many times. There's not pictures of you. Yeah, I always think about that in the event that I die,

my obituary picture is going to be whack. Dude, it's going to look like a boring ass life. You're going to have one of those slideshows on a Sanyo television that's still like a cube in like the Altmire funeral home. I'm a sucker for those. Yeah. And your slideshow is going to be, it's probably going to be funny, but it's going to be like,

yeah. Okay. It won't like invoke like feelings of sadness or. It won't even invoke anything. It'll just, it'll probably call, it'll be some sort of weird. You won't, I don't know what photos they use. Why don't you get one ready for me? Can somebody tweet us a KB funeral slideshow?

You make one. Okay. I don't think I have photos of you. I always look through four photos to edit of you. Yeah, I have one picture of you I took in a closet here. I've been publicly on camera every day for the past three years. What do you mean? Yeah, but like there's no

stills, bro. There's screenshots. When was the last time you said cheese, bitch? This dude's never said cheese. He doesn't know how to say it. Fuck you. He's a pubeless man who can't say cheese. He's a pubeless man that can't say cheese he's a pubeless man that can't say cheese

fuck you you say it cheese say cheese and die why did you laugh at that R.L. Starr oh did you know that yes

what you're I'm the only one that that's the most common no do you think you're that brilliant to where say cheese and die went over my head

that wasn't like a I didn't think it was brilliant. I didn't know. I bet you 5% of people know that reference. That's a healthy estimate. Goosebumps was so popular. People don't remember. They remember say cheese and die.

I don't think. Read the second ad. Read it like a weekend update. Bitch. Big bitch. You got it? Father's Day is just around the corner. And Manscaped's Performance Package 4.0

is the perfect bundle for the men in your life? The Performance Package 4.0 includes the Lamo or 4.0 all new skin safe electric trimmers weed whacker ear and nose hair trimmer crop revert that's just so much better than mine who the fuck just send us acai with the appropriate dangle it was fucking david blattman that just threw me off he had to he had to specifically search for that brazil portuguese sea but i think it was a typo and why you didn't mean to say acai he said available not acai himself with the same off blattman the crop crop preserver anti chafing ball

deodorant crop reviver ball spray toner performance boxer brief in a travel bag. You got a break to hold it all.

You got a break for one. I got a what? You got to like do a break. The lawnmower 4.0 is waterproof.

And also has a 400 K LED spotlight. He needs for... Is my vision going? Yes, dude. You've needed glasses for like 10 years. I can't even watch...

Just read the promo code. I can't watch Topgolf TikToks because I can't see where the ball goes. Read the promo code so you can... Read the fucking promo code. Oh, yeah. We've talked so much about Manscaped. We use it.

You've stressed enough. I've stressed enough. Finally, get 20% off plus free shipping with the code ANUSANUS at manscaped.com. That's 20% off with free shipping at manscaped.com and use code ANUS. You can't watch your top golf TikToks anymore? Those dudes crush the ball.

I can't see where the ball goes. It always goes out of the park. I can't watch golf videos. I tocks anymore those dudes crush the ball i can't see where the ball goes it always goes out it always goes out of the park i can't watch golf videos i don't know where the ball lands what have you been consuming then um still tick tocks my tick tock my algorithm has gotten younger and younger i got a kid winning the fucking roadrunner challenge at cooperstown dreams park what's the roadrun Challenge? I was looking through the comments and it was kind of fascinating to see 12-year-olds just chopping it up. Sure, I guess. I don't use TikTok anymore.

Don't use Twitter. I just scroll through Gene Markeith's Instagram. Do you guys know Gene Markeith? He's a fit god. He turns 21 this month. Cancer season. Fit god. Fit god.

Gene Markeith. Hype him up. Well, you don't need to hype him up. No, he doesn't need the hype. He's season fit god fit god gene markeith hype him up well you don't need to hype him up no he doesn't need the hype he's the fit god and he he takes out his shoelaces and puts full-size ropes in his shoes for shoelaces yeah full ropes amongst other things yeah yeah he'll put in some fuzzies he is a fit god and uh i have that's i just scroll through Markeith's Instagram. He's next up. He is 100,000% next up. I was watching a TikTok of Peyton Pritchard.

It was a court side shot of him. The Boston Celtic? He did a cool move and missed a three. The top comment was like, people forget that even the bench players in the NBA are so much better than us. It's not even that close. We don't forget. What?

We don't. Yeah. They are. They're a professional basketball players are better than you guys. Yeah. Oh, I forgot. What else is going on?

You have something new going on in your life, right? We allowed to say what? I'll be a dad. I'm going to be a father. Do you want to say that? Or do you want to, your mom's going to freak out.

Does she know yet? I still believe it. She, yeah. Yeah. I could say explicitly right now that that's not true. It's, it's too late.

She's already on the phone with you. She's pissed. Um, I might actually text her and just like, hey, if you talk to Kyle. Do that. I don't have her number. Oh, I found your dad's Twitter. Because he responded. I think he has a couple.

He responded because he was pissed that Shopping Network was canceled. Luckily, there's a show on Showtime that can be replaced. It'll be winning Emmys. So, he'll like that. I'm sure. Yeah. Festive 2018. What is the name?

Doug Wanoi. But he responds to shit. He trolls on here. Oh, yeah. I know he's had some. There was a while when he was just around the clock replying to viral tweets trying to like yes get people to bite yes the same thing i did i used to do he responded to joe biden i told him like you got to do the presidents

that's that's the ones that was joe biden tweeting about assault weapons uh and your dad said in pennsylvania you could be 18 years old and sent to war and killed disfigured maimed for the rest of your life but you can't enjoy it ice cold icy light at applebee's until you're 21 that's so it's a common take age old but he added made it very descriptive just like i would he made it so regional i told him about that loophole you just if you want to be funnier you just steal a joke that's already worked in the past or a line and then you just add a bunch of adjectives to it he he responded to the viral uh guy destroying the mickey mouse proposal the the the yeah oh yeah get lost hardos these are rules in life. Stop making your own. Disney needs to arrest these violators.

Great job to guy. He's I think he peaked like like last summer or less. He tweeted out a song. He's tweeting out facts that Christianity is 31% of the population compared to Islam's 15. In my, if, if I retired at my age,

that's what I would do. He responded to Kamala Harris. I told him that unrelated to what she tweeted. Good. I really believe that within 20 years, America will have its first female president. I can finally see the tide changing is he trolling yeah oh yeah he just defend he defends assholes constantly like the guy that hit the home run in college and the yeah he's pushing him your dad is a thread defending him

he was like i know him personally you don't want to fuck with this man he's a he's a maniac and it is fuck oh my god yeah he's just on here and I was scrolling through just looking at his replies I don't even know if he wants us to air out but I don't

know festive 2018 what's that mean I don't fucking know it's probably the default I don't even know what that yeah that sounds like a default I don't know know if he wants us to air out, but I don't know. Festive 2018. What's that mean? I don't fucking know. It's probably the default. I don't even know what that. Yeah. That sounds like a default. I don't know what Doug Winoi means. No,

no, no. I think I do. Wait, we asked him when he was a guy. I think he just added one letter to it. This is a real guy who has a good job. Doug Winoi is real.

Yeah. But he just changed the spelling. I don't, I don't, I don't want to air it out. Oh my God. Yeah. But your dad changed the spelling. I don't want to air it out. Oh, my God. Yeah. But your dad said it was too long of a story to.

He copy and paste. Yeah, I'm looking at it. He's trying to just catch anybody for his own enjoyment, I guess. No one's. Jesus. He's he's responding to a bunch of like local politicians saying that we need, uh, uh,

abbreviations next to the candidates. AG, if they're anti-guns PA, if they're pro abortion, uh, AE, if they're anti Elon, I don't know if he's being serious or not.

I don't know. This is what happens when you retire and you have the brain of me truly don't go like on golf trips or like yeah yeah you do that well no he's getting real into pickleball isn't he like even the troll but he like actually plays he's getting real into the troll character he plays in the community because he's like earning like status okay it's like spreading nationwide there's been another article about him. No. What was it?

Was it on the Pickler? He's like the pickleball troll now. He finally separated himself from the rest, man. I'm happy for him. Oh my God. Sass was telling Tyler and I when he first started like going on Twitter and stuff, he blocked his dad on everything. He making new accounts called big sasquatch

my dad uh does he watch this stuff my dad no but he's very active on twitter but i don't i think he just he just retweets like wvu stuff my, I think is like mentally my dad's in a better place than Kyle's. Um, that's fair. Fair. Yeah. Um, no,

my dad's what? 11 huge fan of WVU and Pittsburgh sports except pit. And that's just, yeah, he's retweeting just shit. I'm in. It's good. Dad,

no trolls, no creative trolls. Let's see if he's your popseting just shit I'm in good dad no trolls no creative trolls your pops can no he's just he just responds to the pirates every time they lose and just says frustrating ridiculous I always

see those accounts who do things like that I wonder who is that there is a comfort in that it's like a 60 year old man and not like a someone our age. Can't lose these games. He's getting mad at Brandon. Telling the pirates we can't. WVU is a big 12 pretender.

No more words on the subject, on the matter, please. Yeah. So yeah, your dad is, he's next up to him and markeith i think we we can't keep like hyping new people up though we have to stick with one or two okay so it's markeith and my dad i would love those two to have a podcast together gene markeith i found gene markeith because he uh he's uh florida boy vel's best friend you guys know florida boy vel no i know florida boy vel so gene markeith is from georgia you guys are on a different internet than me oh yeah yeah

and like we have very similar interests and similar sense of humor but if you don't know florida boy vel and gene markeith yeah those guys are next up no gene markeith is next up i kind of want to i almost dm'd him because he's on like the the weight loss kick yeah the fitness the caloric yeah he looks great he died and he's all of his advice that he gives out for free yeah uh from the kindness of his heart is good yeah and i kind of don't want him to like fall into that type of influencer yeah you want him to just be i want him to fashion influencer just fits just fits i want him to like fall into that type of influencer. Yeah. You want them to just be a fashion influencer. Just fits. Just fits.

I want him to just post the fit pics at the gas station pump. Yeah. That's what he does. And it's just always a slideshow. He pioneered that. Yeah. It's awesome. He did pioneer that.

It's always the gas pump. You looking at Markeith? So we can, we can. Trying to find him. Do you know, spell that for me. G-E-N-E. Don't tell Gene Markeith that he's next up because that's kind of condescending. No, he's up right now, but he's

going to find another level. I think he's Mr. Put It On. Yeah. Mr. Put It On. And he has the meanest of fits. And I might, I think next episode we should be inspired by Marquis and we should wear a Marquis fit next week.

Yeah, come in your best Marquis. And if you guys are listening to the pod, I want you to listen to it wear a Markeith fit next week. Yeah. Come in your best Markeith. And if you guys are listening to the pod, I want you to listen to it in a Markeith and just, uh, we'll do. Yeah. It'll make more sense listening to it. If you're wearing a Markeith.

Yeah. But Florida boy, Val, he has his whole crew, but he like, he, it's a lot of tick tock drama going. Cause he kicked out the one white guy.

I heard he was an industry plant. He kicked out coal. I heard Florida boy. Val was an industry plant. Not true coal i heard florida boy vel was an industry plant not true not true because thank god no but i think he was he was said i heard he was doing manufactured videos to to promote markeith no no no no okay no they're genuine friends they're just on the florida georgia line and what industry would be planting these boys is it too billy the big rope industry that Markeith uses in his shoes. But they're one member of the crew passed away.

Lil D. Remember Lil D? He was the tiny one. Yes, Kyle. Because a lot of people have Lil as their like. No, he was. Moniker, but their normal size. Yeah.

He was actually a small. Yeah. Which is really sad. Apparently. That's what vel's saying but little this is fucked up but i need to see mark jeans funeral fit maybe like one person will understand this episode but you guys need to look just the adults imagine starting here. What? Never mind. If this was the first episode you heard.

Yeah. That's the first episode of anus that you listen to. Dude, I listened to our pilot last night. Cold open to dick smelling fucked. Really? Yeah. I remember that. Yeah.

God damn. So this was what the first episode was like. I guess it was. You just go right into it and just like, okay, I guess. I guess this is it. Kyle episode was like. I guess it was. You just go right into it and just like, okay, I guess, I guess this is it. Kyle, you like game time? Game time. That's what you always say.

Game time. You open up the app. Game time. All right. So act like you just opened up the app. You know, like you're in an Uber and the Middle Eastern driver, he's kind of whispering in a phone conversation. We've already talked about this. But you can't really tell?

Yeah. I feel like this is what this episode is. Yeah, you think so? You're not going to be able to quite decipher it. Yeah, I think we've just kind of been jumping around. We haven't said anything. We haven't actually. We've made a couple points.

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has an instagram but it's sure as hell better than dude wipes instagram no they posted a banger today they did not they post a squid game meme today yeah what did it say in the picture of the the old guy the old guy like curled up and it was just like this is your poop waiting for the coffee to hit i'm pro i'm pro those memes i hate when they're like clever like punny or i've been doing something that's a lot of fun you know the meme generator where you can click on the meme format oh yeah and so it'll be like um i tried to do one for wake up honey nick promote a show he's on and it's like the the wife and husband in bed yeah but once you enter in that text you can change the meme and so it becomes a nonsensical meme on the website

oh so it'll be like i changed it to wake up honey nick promo to show he's on uh but it was the superhero that couldn't decide what button to press so one of the buttons would just wake up honey and the other ones there we go and it's just so it makes them so much fucking better all memes should be actually yeah they should take notes from the dude wipes account i think like comedy isn't funny anymore yeah so you like us like actually going so the original definition of the word comedy just means a linear story like dante's that means that means nothing that means nothing to me i just i just was going to teach you about the layers of hell but i guess not okay i just don't know what that meant i didn't understand the original meaning of comedy I just, I just want to teach you about the layers of hell, but I guess not. Okay.

I just don't know what that meant. I didn't understand. The original meaning of comedy didn't mean funny. Okay. Just meant like a, a story from, no, it means everybody in the story happens.

They go on their trajectory. So the hero wins, the bad guy dies. It's a comedy. That's what comedy meant. Hmm. Like the guy rolling the rock up the hill. If he, if he got it to the top,

that's no longer a comedy was that Sisyphus? yeah anyways what were you saying man? I forget oh fuck somebody just kicked the door in? no respect

none are we still doing the gabe float i never signed up for it but some for some did i no but those guys don't let you say no you're the dj on the float i i've been fantasizing and dreaming about it have you actually yeah i think i think you might follow i want to be a DJ. Do you actually? Bad. You have the same face as Flume. That he's my favorite DJ. Your lookalikes have been insane lately. They're nuts. Yeah, the long-haired.

The long-haired guy. If we could have him right here. Yeah, no, he's hideous. And? He's hideous and? Is he gay, too? No, no, no. He's hideous and?

The gay French guy was gay, but not this guy.ous and the gay french guy was gay but not this guy of course the gay french guy was gay he's french but this guy was hideous what do you mean and had the same exact face the same exact face but i'm trying to like uh uh you're trying to cope not cope but there is a way there's like you know the same face but he's ugly and i'm not at all so i'm trying to figure out how that works yeah it's a weird thing because i think he's taller than you he's got beautiful flowing hair and the same exact face out of nowhere i think ever since i was on out and about i don't know if this is like a gay thing i've been getting dms just how tall are you and it infuriates me there's no right answer yeah there's one answer actually there is literally

but you know why they're asking yeah why because one time i said 5 11 and they said that'll do and i was like fuck oh if that'll just do level. Damn, damn, dude. I haven't slept in a while. Why? I can't sleep. I can't fall asleep. That makes sense. That's what that's the biggest cause.

And I think I need lack of sleep. I think I need a hotel. Are you going to get a hotel? I'm so used to sleeping in hotels. I'm a shitty bed. It's not shitty, but I just I need the exact opposite. I want to just live in hotels dude i was waking up like not knowing what city i was in i felt like a rock star without the pussy it

felt like we were on a tour like rock stars yeah i mean we had a van and the back of the van said honk if kb gonna have that and i liked the idea of it but then in practice i was like this is our driver was really bad and so he didn't know when he was driving poorly because we were just like oh another kb he was in the night i was like that was a kb fan no you're in the wrong lane yeah we were trying to like merge onto like like an interstate in like a traffic jam yeah i was like damn car damn god damn dude no but yeah 95 heads love kb i would have loved to not have that van wrap because like there was always like there was yeah it was weird people always found it a priest found it some priest from cleveland yeah he just he he'd like he tweeted at us he was like the yak boys or the some are in cleveland and then added us. So he knew. He had his ear to the

pulse. Did he have his ear to all of our fucking priest rape jokes that we've made? Yeah. We made one today. He was a cool one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He only fucked like hot dudes. He only fucked the popular kids.

Dude, he fucked the quarterback. I think in Texas, that is all of the eligible bachelorettes trying to fuck the starting quarterback. That's everywhere. Bachelorettes. If you're in your 20s and, like you try to fuck the high school court. Yes. Why are you, why are you acting like that's not weird?

No, it is weird. Okay. Yeah. That's, I think that's what's going on. He's saying in Texas, adult women go for the high school. Yes. Now I don't, you think everywhere? I do.

I don't like how, like you weren't like disgusted by that. No, I think it's everywhere. Okay. Everywhere? Yes. I bet you there are moms that are trying to fuck the quarterback of Park. I believe that. Yeah.

And we were saying this, like there's a lot of, there's like a lot of like more Southern, like conservative families. Like they want their, their daughters and sons or their brothers and sisters to date someone that's a spitting image of them. Yes. It's weird. They want the carbon copy. They want them to look like they're in that family. They want their, yeah. their brothers and sisters to date someone that's a spitting image of them yes it's weird they want the carbon copy they want them to look like they're in that family yeah they want the like

southern elitist very strong dads want their daughters to fuck that like a guy that looks just like them and acts just like them yes and the brother is always like really overly protective you know keep my fucking sister's name out what are you talking about fucking my sister stop that no no they they're obsessed with like the guys being good enough to fuck their sister. It's like you better be good enough to. Yeah, that's so weird. You better like. Dude, no.

My sister has to fuck the best guys. That's what they want. That's I think they say that. Yeah. Maybe. If I had like a sister that was single, I would like. I wouldn't care i wouldn't think about that no you should not even you should not have a relationship with your sister no

okay do you no you do kind of you're a nice friend you're a nice brother i'm a good brother you're a seven years older right yeah kind of like a it was more about a babysit kind of thing they had me so they could have my sister later and they wouldn't have to do anything. Great foresight. Yes, that's how it is. But then I abandoned them. Do you think you or your sister

is going to have to watch over your parents when they get old? It's too morbid. It's a reality. It's getting closer by the day like a timely death you would rather the i would like the death to precede that okay i think everyone would you think so yeah i don't know what about the golden the golden eight years i think they as long as they're self-sufficient okay autonomous so as soon as they can't yeahous. So as soon as they can't drive? Yeah, I don't like that. Okay.

Just a thought. And you at home think about that. Old folks homes. It's not just me and Kyle whose parents are getting older. It's you too. The viewer. What else is going on? So delirious. Are are you you just haven't slept yeah back to back like one hour you gotta do something about that is your place messy

i go through phases because my place is fucking trashed right now because after the two-week road trip of barstool versus America and then this two week road trip, I don't have enough clothes to last one week. Yeah. Look, I dress like I'm in a cartoon. And look, but I have just been buying more and more clothes. And now everything's dirty and I'm out of money. Yeah, I do that, too. I buy instead of wash.

Yeah. And then it doubles your problem. Yeah, it do that too. I buy instead of wash. Yeah. And then it doubles your problem. Yeah, it really does. So I'm going to be wearing some new fits. Got some band tees coming in. What's a band tee? Like something that's not allowed? No, a band.

Yeah, like get dance, Gavin, dance. Oh, it's something that I thought was like banned. It was so bad. No, no, no, no. Some of your pieces should be banned. They're fucking whack i wear like just solid colors now you have some whack pieces like what that jack that purple jacket that's that piece is so sick the purple and green jacket can wear it it's 90 fucking degrees purple and green is the most obnoxious colors that jacket was two thousand dollars i know i bought it it's fucking my piece

no it's not the jacket cost me money um how long we've been doing this owen uh 54 minutes holy shit we're getting good at this we've said nothing for 54 minutes absolutely nothing they like anybody could have done what we just did oh yeah we but i think it was kind of charming that we just put zero like how bad this was in a good way i think you guys do a good job of making your drivel seem artistic yeah we talk about it all the time how we've kind of made this weird world where we can fuck up and people think we do it on purpose. Like with your Jewish cutout in the back of the dozen, whenever anybody would leave for the. Oh, yeah.

They're like KB and Nick put that right where it needs to be to be seen when people do that. No, it was just there. Sorry, guys. It was just there. Even if we did that, that's not that impressive. Not cerebral at all. No, no. But yeah, i appreciate the credit but it was yeah it was just any kind word i appreciate it was just there but um oh yeah there has been some kind words you saved a dude's life yeah i did and we won't get into that further you got a dm but

you know now it's going to seem like i told you before this to bring that up. You did. I saved. Yeah. Okay. Well, then you were. And by proxy, I guess I did too. I didn't. I was telling him to do it. I was DMing him as well.

Do you ever regret saying yes to cameo like four years ago? and now you're just pictures on that website. I'm honest. I think I did it. Yeah. Yeah, I don't really think about it. Okay. Just like when people... That would be a terrible life to like have that haunt you. Like you're constantly thinking about

what people think about you when they go on some website. I think you do. I do. It really bothers me because I'm like anti-cammy. Yeah. Because you did it before. I'm not like, I get your money because people are making crazy money. Get your money.

I can't mentally film a video for somebody else as a gift. Yeah. Can't do it. Can't. Even if it's like a joke gift. Sure. I can't film myself talking to a person. But you signed up for an app that's exclusively that.

I did. Was this before Barstool? Because I think it said like Twitter personality. They go after anybody. Yeah. Yeah. This is before I was anonymous. No one even knew who I was or looked like.

Yeah. Because it is still your child picture on there. Yeah. Yeah. When you were anonymous, did people know those you, like I just assumed you were using a random boy. People thought I was a meme account. Oh yeah. Yeah. You need to find the perfect profile picture to use because people will think it's like, like people probably put you with like that, that like college senior with the guy holding the dark beer. Right. Like they were just like, this is like the same thing.

I was terrified of, cause I was working at my job in special ed. Yeah. And the first result when you Googled my name, it was just my, my Twitter account. Kyle Bauer. Yeah. And I was like, I was like, I was like, what was your like i was like what was your twitter account then i was calling all the twitter offices i i changed my display name to kb that's why i got the name okay because i didn't want my name because you never went by kb ever never never never and it's still it still would come up so

i was just thinking every like i go in in like i'm assigned to these families and if they were like i wonder who this um who my essentially doctor is going to be for my my son yeah dumb child my dumb dumb kid and if they google my name it was just my twitter would call my disabled child yeah well yeah yeah uh request Kyle on Cameo let's get that going did you ever do one no you did one

wait is there one of them out there if anybody has a KB Cameo $500 $500 I'm checking right now is there none I remember I did like 10 takes and I was like this is fuck I'm checking right now Is there none? I remember I did like 10 takes And I was like this is fucked

I got in my car because I thought it would look cooler And more natural if I filmed it Wait a minute you son of a bitch Did you do that for me? Because I did a video about how I was putting together a GoFundMe To buy the drummer Of a Chuck E. Cheese animatronic band Mr. Munch

And I wanted to fuck him It was before I worked here, right? It was before I was friends with Kyle. I was like, okay, if I do this blog for you, front to back, every single word, you have to do this clip for me. You drove a hard bargain, and you were like, as long as I can be in my car, as long as it's

horizontal, and you didn't respond for like 12 hours, and then you sent that vertical. Yeah, I can't look at myself horizontally. I had a lot of issues. I'm better now. Wait another ain't yes there is right here you're in the woods that's my intro video can i watch it please don't please don't all right i won't don't it's a it's public you just do it after this right but i mean how often do we break the hour threshold on our pod we don't

all right if you don't give me a give me a talking point of 30 seconds to start a conversation if not i'm watching this i want to get really into laser pointers this is how sleep deprived i am because my my notes section have or just incomplete thoughts it was like what what is it tyler will you play uh will you just put his uh cameo intro video just like at the end of this pod i don't even remember what it is i think i said i was jake paul or something stupid so you know it exactly is it is it this exact is it that exactly i think it was just like hi i'm jake this is jake paul so you know it exactly what color shirt are you wearing

i was wearing the met shirt the one that says kong pete kong wait it says barstool sports sports a new untold story they've been updating your profile I'm an inactive account. They can stop. You have a thick beard. That's a thick beard you have in that. Why don't you do that more often? I don't know.

I don't know what looks better or worse. You don't need it. I like the... I don't you do that more often i don't know i don't know what what looks better or worse you don't need it i like the i don't know i like whatever you got oh man i know it's laser laser pointers i guess kyle take it away i want to get really into laser pointers at that point in my life where i've already done every version of anything I will do in the future unless I strike gold yeah so now I either want to get into pills and that's that's devastating though I've never thought about it that way everything I'll do for the rest of my life is probably a variant of what I'm doing now and you said last episode I pointed out and it sounded like depressing and cynical but it was actually it, it was, it was, it was therapeutic and reassuring is that there's only a finite of things that make me happy.

That's good. When you know that it makes your life a lot easier. Sure. So when you like, you agree to do something, you do it on the account that this is something that can make me happy. Right. But there's probably a ton of stuff that makes you happy that you don't know

about. Yeah, I know. I'm trying and I'm finding new ones. Laser pointers. Could be, could be like the kinds that are like that will like hurt your skin if i like the ones that pop balloons the flashlight kids are cool too no they're not cool the flashlights are cool they're the opposite what are the flashlights the guys who have the highest power flashlights

that can like take down a plane like he went down like pitch black and you thought it was one 1 p.m in his backyard it was insane and they said they're like harmful you can't you can only you can't really shine them legally these collectors like he shined his he did like a real quick shine of his second most powerful one on tiktok everyone was like we got to see the most powerful one. He's like, nah. He's like, I'll never do that. So yeah, just the thrill of the collection. Of having that, yeah. Whoa. Which I don't respect. But you want it.

I want the powerful. I want to use the powerful flashlight. What would you do with it? I would be an Uber Eats or a DoorDash driver. And I would pretend like an Uber Eats or, or a DoorDash driver. Okay. And I would like pretend like I can't find their,

their home. And you would be like, and I'll be like, Oh, how about I shine this light in you? And then you can find me from there. That works. That's a good idea.

I'd be like a town over and they could see it in the sky. It's like, damn, you're far away. What kind of flashlights that. Yeah. That's a pretty good idea, man. Yeah, maybe you can do that.

Do you want to plug the prank show we're doing? More dinner? More dinner. I want other people to plug it for us. I don't want to be the ones plugging our own shit every time. Why doesn't anyone else hype up more dinner? I know. You know about that?

We're doing a prank show in July where we're going to restaurants waiting for people to finish their food and we're just sending them another round. We're just going to have a GoPro on the tray. I'm just going to see how they react when they get the same exact meal. And then the waiter's going to be like, it's from those boys over there. and then like the waiter's gonna be like it's from those boys over there remember when donnie said his tactic of like sending a table of girls of soup a bowl of you know specifically cream of mushroom sure and i guess a few guys have like tried it since then yeah and it it's hilarious it's worked for one guy they said one it was a devastating failure but that's bad that's a win because it's funny yeah like fuck that up and

that's why it says like a it's like the safest way to flirt with girls. Cause it's, it's so stupid and it's kind of like a mockery to them, but they do accept it's an in. Yeah. So keep doing that. Get back to us. Sure. Stop crew dissing.

Yeah. A guy got jumped. No, people are just doing it to like gay teens. Oh, also stop ruining my life when the best thing ever happens to me. and somebody makes me into a one for one Pokemon trainer with the exact Ken Sigimori art. You were very excited. It was on the subreddit for two and a half minutes.

No. Somebody reposted onto rule 34. What? Rule 34 is a thing in cartoons where it's a rule. It's the 34 rule of cartoons. 34th. If it's a cartoon, if it's something that's animated, there's a porn for it. And so somebody requested that character, that Pokemon trainer that looks exactly like me, be spreading his ass.

Don't do that to Nick. I was legitimately so, so excited. That would just destroy him. It went out of your way to animate him fucking. Somebody put it on the Rule 34 subreddit and I believe it.

The takeoff? I don't know. I don't know. Not great though. But thank you to the person who made that original. That's so sweet. Someone sent you a Pokey Reese card and then he said they they somebody handed me an open envelope and it said open on the yak but it was too late and they sent me a pokey reese card and they sent you a they sent me a pokey reese rookie like prism it was beautiful like really good condition like

holographic awesome and then they sent kyle Kyle, you've had like five backpacks in the past week. I keep losing them. It's insane. It's a very hard thing to lose. So the first one I... Oh! I have one in my apartment. You have one in my backpack? Yes. A girl dropped it off from the

Upper East Side. No. Yes. That implies that i was i stayed at her place or something did you say jack's place i think now that i think about it i don't know i did tip them five dollars they carried it to my apartment and it was ringing the back yes when i got back from barcelona versus america my backpack kept chirping and I got a notification on my phone that I'm geotagged. And it kept... My backpack would periodically

chirp. It was such a... It was a pleasant... It was a pleasant... Did one of the producers put a tag on you? I don't know if we're talking about it. I thought it was a bit. They kept losing me on set. I don't know if that was. Did they tag you?

I hope that's the case instead of like a trafficker. Oh, they actually did? So. That's a leap. That's not on. All right. Whatever. So for most.

Here, here. Did they tag you? Yeah. I got fucking tagged. So most dangerous. I talked about it. I'm like, yo, did KB get tagged during Barcelona vs. America? They said they kept trying because

they were like, you would just walk behind the pack. But that's just how you are. You always get to the right spot. But I think they slipped one into your backpack and you must still have it. But I had a full 20 minute conversation about how it's kind of messed up to track human beings. Go see if Kelsey's still there.

I'm not upset about it, but that don't do that. You're an adult man. My backpack, too. You know, I always leave my backpack at like frat houses. It's not doesn't mean I'm there. Yeah, exactly. They need to get it like under your skin. Yeah.

They got to. Yeah. And even that you're actually never aware you're about. They actually know that I lose my backpacks all the time. So that's like the worst way to track. You've had literally five backpacks in a month. Throwing off so many people's on the Upper East Side in like a very expensive apartment. Kids will have a copper L.L. Bean bag their entire middle school.

I got geotag. That's so. Is that what it's called? That is so demeaning. But but necessary. It was not necessary. What? That's how you that's how you sex traffic

Yeah that's insane Kelsey is the producer of Barstool vs America Come here Kyle lost one of his backpacks and a girl brought it back to Owen Come here She knows exactly what this is about On the mic You probably think I was somewhere I wasn't

The past two weeks Come here Did you geotag me on the mic. You probably think I was somewhere I wasn't the past two weeks. Come here. Did you geotag me? I don't know what you mean. Did you tag him? When I was on Barstool vs. America did I get

tracked? Did you put a tracking device in my backpack? What the fuck? I told him. Someone put a tracking device. No, no. Where was it?

It was in his backpack. I don't know where because I kept making noise but I didn't find the source. Yeah, they could not find where the noise was. It was in the car. I don't know where. I kept making noise, but I didn't find the source. Yeah, he couldn't find where the noise was. It was in the car. Did you take it out of the car? It's his backpack.

His backpack was like... No, not that one. He lost it. My backpack was ringing for two weeks, and I had no idea why. You actually tagged him? It wasn't me. Who did it? Who did it?

I don't know if there was one or not. There definitely is. No, I can't confirm. I don't know. There might have been one. Whose idea was it? Not mine. Whose idea was it to tag a grown

man doing his job? Talk to the mic, Kyle. It wasn't my idea, but it wasn't a bad idea at all. Yes, it was. He lost the backpack. He goes missing all the time. My backpack goes missing even more, and you know that. I publicize that. I lose backpacks

regularly. That's how you know it wasn't me because I would have geotagged his pocket because he loses everything else. It's true. Yeah. Okay, well I gotta figure out who did this. Yeah, that's... I think I can like sue them. I think so. The leading profession of Apple taggers is me. I think it's funny. I think it's funny, but yeah. Am I cleared?

Yeah, you're cleared. No. Come on. That was the most guilty alibi of all time you just said you yeah you knew about it but yeah you have had like five backpacks in a month which is more than most have had in a lot of backpacks i just bought i bought a camelback for 120 yesterday can't afford it your backpacks have been progressively shittier though like i think that's a a reebok one that you got at tj max i'm gonna try to take back i'm gonna try to return the camelback they're lazy there how do you know they're what do you mean every every service employee in new york city is too lazy to like you can go into chipotle and get two meals right now walk out no one get it calmed you can get it

calmed no the camera return the camelback it'll be stained with kb death mix they won't even know yeah they will yeah they will all Yeah, they will. Alright. We gotta get to the bottom of this. You have my backpack, my tracking device. I don't want that backpack. You keep that. Well, I don't want to open it. I don't want to buy a tracker to get out.

Who the fuck's... They just know where you live now, whoever has that. We'll get to the bottom of this. Wow. A new untold story please review us and on anything stop listening to other stuff too yeah yeah definitely no honestly nah nah yak boy dad oh dad. Oh, yeah. Out of, yeah. Out and about. Yeah. Your whole life should be Barstool. Yeah.

Everything you consume. More specifically. I want to see how dumb the human race can become. You want me to reject your reply to what I'm going to say? No, you're just going to say, like, no, that's a new untold story. Hey, is that story old or told? What? No, baby! It's a new untold story.

A new untold story. It's a fresh, big untold story. A new untold story. A new untold story.