A New Untold Story - A New Untold Story: Ep. 299 - Cowboys & Aliens (ft. Tommy Smokes)

Episode Date: July 1, 2022

|| A New Untold Story: Ep. 299 - Cowboys & Aliens (ft. Tommy Smokes) || In the 299th episode of A New Untold Story, titled "Cowboys & Aliens" Nick, KB, Owen, Tommy, & Tyler discuss many things & laugh many times || Thank you for watching, also available on Apple/Spotify/etc.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, A New Untold Story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad-free on Amazon Music. Untold story. A new untold story. It's a fresh, big untold story. A new untold story. New untold story, $2.99. One away from the big one um should we address the elephant in the room i guess we're about to have our case race uh so we had to get painted up early um yeah we both went to this you know the woman's here and she both we went to the same face painter and nix is vastly better than mine like something was up did you say something did you offer her something i asked for alien and

she was like only if i can do the neck you got the best alien ever but yours is good too man this is i could have bought this at spencer's and she was fine but now i'm thinking something else is at play because I went directly before you. You did go right before me. Yours took manpower. Yours took a team. Well no, dude, both of ours are equal.

You probably paid her your birthday money for an extra something. You and I, we are both equally the same. He is an incredible... It's insane. Look how good his alien is. Your Jewish Frosty is just as good. She cross-stitched

the top corners of his forehead. She broke out the toys. She experimented with some cross-hatching. She pulled the toys out, for sure, but it was more so the effort that went in, like the, the,

the hue that you are exhibiting is, is almost like toxic. That's how good it is. Yeah. But yours is good too, man. It's not, I thought it was good before this.

I did. Yeah. We thought it was funny. You know, when our team, yeah, we did the class, the classic Groucho mask. I was actually, I guess this. I did. Yeah. We thought it was funny. You know, when our team, yeah, we did the class, the classic Groucho mask.

I was actually, I guess she knows the inventor. Will Compton asked me to do sting and I went in there and they shut the door and I pivoted and he's mad at me. That's incredible. Okay. He's mad at me. Whatever.

But I cannot wear my glasses and I always, I say this every time I really did not prep for the news segment, but I do have some jokes written. They're not good, but I can't wear my glasses, so you have to read them all. This has been like a... The news cycle has not been conducive. It's been rough. Also, I've been

moving. I'm moving into a new apartment now. You can have them. Take them all. I was preparing for a noose segment. I was going to kill myself if this apartment fell through were you actually or a news segment gnus i was gonna behave like a wildebeest a common wildebeest okay this is good though yeah i'm happy you did the prep work and i didn't i apologize right a lot been going on. This is by far the worst one ever. Like, I'm not even saying that like they're not even dumb funny. They're just very bad.

Go ahead. Okay. Tons of companies have been outspoken on the overturning of Roe v. Wade. We all know that. Levi's have spoken against it, which is surprising because you think they'd love it when people spread their jeans. That wasn't good. No, not good at all. Not good at all.

Jeans as in, you know. You did like a... Well, you did it. I did it with news, G-N-U-S, the wildebeest. Do you think I wrote this after you made that joke? I don't know. I said it after you didn't even say it.

Employees of American Airlines said they won't sit silently as well. They may be doing this out of jealousy, though, wanting to be the only reason people use hangers. Yeah, that wasn't bad. Okay, thank you. Yeah, that wasn't bad. Okay, thank you. That was actually pretty good. Okay. Ice cream manufacturer, ice cream giant, ice cream tycoon Ben and Jerry's are also against it, to no surprise, though.

This left me in a weird spot because I am personally against the overturning and against Ben and Jerry's solely because I dislike fat women. So that one that was I agreed with, but that didn't like the bill. Like I said, I didn't have much time, didn't have much time. Qatar fails to offer a World Cup safety guarantees. To the LGBTQ plus fans. If Qatar was so anti-gay, they probably shouldn't be hosting a soccer event. Gay sport.

That was good. Alright. In more... What's that? In more sports news, the MLB are still... In more sports news, the MLB All-Star voting ballot has commenced and Canadians have hit the polls in record numbers. That's right. Weird.

A lot of Blue Jays. Right. Weird. A lot of Blue Jays. Vladdy Jr. and Alejandro Kirk are in first place in voting, along with shortstop Bo Bichette of the Toronto Blue Jays. All of them are Toronto Blue Jays. Who, at 24 years old, is already one of the best shortstops in the league in many regards. That's right. Bo Bichette.

But in all honesty, the only... There's a lot to talk about about Bo Bichette. But in all honesty, the only... There's a lot to talk about about Bo Bichette. He's not only one of the best shortstops in the American League, he's one of the best shortstops in the world. At 24. At 24. He's a Blue Jay. He's a shortstop. I think his dad played

in the league. His dad did, yeah. But he's standing out. He's standing out. So a lot to say about Bo Bichette. Read the last line again. So, Vladdy Jr. and Alejandro Kirk are in first place in voting, along with shortstop Bo Bichette. This is for the MLB All-Star Game. Bo Bichette, only 24, is already one of the best shortstops in the league

in many regards, unanimously. But, in all honesty, the only Bo regards I care about is a 10 year old girl who was juiced in a 1920s chocolate factory a little girl was juiced violet bow to made to look like a like a large blue yoga ball or like a large blue bear yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Violet Beauregard. That's right. Is the only Beauregard that you care about. You said it. And there was a lot of things that you were passionate about that regarded to Beaubichette. Well, it was topical because the Blue Jays are dominating the AL all-star voting.

I think they're bursting onto the scene. Yes. Like the Yankees and Red Sox were already there. They're bursting onto the scene. Right, right. Like. The Blue Jays. The Blues.

The Blue Jays are bursting. Yeah. Violet Bowers. Yeah, yeah, I know. I know. Yeah, I was going to let you have it it I don't think is there any more on there China is recording what

China is recording record high temperatures this month in one locale what you said it not me what one local

oh I meant it was a typo dickhead China is recording it's hard to do on the fly then pre-read these china is recording record high temperatures do more energy the people's republic of china is recording record high temperatures this month and one one local china is recording record high temperatures this month. And one local interviewed said there were almost 1,000 people packed in the wave pool.

That's right. In one of their local public wave pools. There's a photo of that. It's a packed wave pool. I almost bought a ticket. Yeah? Why? In my confusion.

Okay, why? Thinking they were having an all-night party in the pool. How? Oh. Must have been. Why do you think that was funny? What do you mean? Why do you think that was funny?

Imagine a Chinese person saying wave pool. Okay. Okay. Thank you. Yeah, that's why. Yeah. How would they say it? I would say wave pool. I don't think so. What would they say? I don't want to say it? They'd say wave pool.

I don't think so. What would they say? I don't want to say it. Sound like an all-night party at a pool. Go rave. Go rave pool. It needed work. China's recording record high temperatures this month this is the best joke

i've ever written in my entire life i almost bought a ticket to this 1000 person wave pool yeah oh i thought it i thought it was i thought it was a rave but then like okay yeah that wasn't no that wasn't right either no that's there's something be wave yeah but in all seriousness with temperatures reaching over 100 degrees it looks like they'll have to remit now start that one ever because this is the only good one in here yeah that is the all right so we know about china they had a record-breaking heat and i don't want to hype this up a thousand people you saw it packed into one wave one wave this upcoming buckle up everybody yeah so like that shenzhen wave pool was packed with a thousand people but do you blame them it was a hundred plus degrees don't blame them at all it was a heat wave yeah but in all seriousness with temperatures reaching

over 100 degrees fahrenheit it looks like they'll have to rename it SPF Changs. Finally, I had more where that came from. You wrote this meticulously and specifically to be something that I would come up with with a lot of time so i know what you did um i i maybe i would have did the spf changs joe you wouldn't you would not have thought of spf changs you don't think nah you would have said panda i think i know that's what you would have said. Panda X, Beth, you would have, you would have phonetically spelled,

said SPF. It's like a Bonix. Ebonically. Okay. Yeah. I would have reverse engineered Bo regards to Bo regard. Yeah. I would have gotten the Boba show.

Okay. Would have nailed it. You did nail it. You did a good job. Thanks, Kyle. Really good work. Today's episode is brought to you by game time thoughts on game time owen oh it's great it is great that's my thoughts as well

kyle i mean i you guys are all going to events that require tickets concerts sporting events you're talking to them not us them and you guys you said you guys I just yeah yeah general statement what do you what are you dead set on using game time that isn't game time oh I wouldn't know and what is the reason you're using that

instead of game time if you have a great answer for that let me know they don't though and I'll give you the secret discount code download the game times app

tap the account tab to create the login redeem the code untold for $20. Find a better deal. Find a better deal. Download GameTime. Last minute tickets.

Lowest prices. Let's do code UNTOLD. $20 off. Kyle, the show We Were Gone for Two Weeks is finally airing. We Were Gone for Two Weeks. 16 days. 16 days. The show is airing.

Are you happy with it? Love the debut to an extent. I think it's it reached sophomore slump and then it's junior. You don't know. You don't know a synonym that starts with J. I think it reached. I think it got juiced. A little watered down with juice.

Water something down with juice. You juice it. I think a lot of yeah i think it's it was juiced down which sounds like we added flavor but we didn't a lot of times it's juiced up most flavors often people hear the term juiced up all the time yeah you go to a juice store any given one joe in the juice what have you jamba and the final product is less flavorful than a standard melon. It's actually right. They're doing a lot of juicing, but it's taking away flavor. I would take one mango and I would eat it.

It would explode at the perfect juice levels, perfect flavor, perfect taste. But then when it's in a juice, when it's juiced with machinery it tastes worse so it's juiced down so the i think this is sophomore slam junior juiced i'm very excited for the forthcoming episode okay i think it starts i think it might take a turn okay best yeah that'll be out by the time this is you voted me out there a lot of conspiracies no it's not oh shit bleep bleep bleep but yeah you have a chance to come back

I kept saying Kyle doesn't come back into the last episode he thinks he comes back in the fourth no he comes back but they don't know he wins a competition to be in the back in the game let me just cut this No, he comes back, but they don't know he wins a competition to be back in the game. Okay.

Let me just cut this. Yeah. Keep it in. No. So, no. We had to cut something because we spoiled it, so this is kind of a disjointed combo. I'm just going to leave it in, yeah. I don't think we spoiled anything.

Okay. Are you happy you did the trip? Yes. Really? Yes. Why? Because I think, well, I did have fun. And I think I'm in an episode.

Are you, did any animosity towards me? Because I've been getting destroyed online. How dare you betray KB? I used to like you. I was hoping for a little more. I was hoping for a little more of that. Yeah.

Were you getting any like, like fuck Nick or no, no, because it's not happening. There was no, I was, I was legitimately irate, and I had no one, I didn't have a vessel to, I feel like when you're angry,

you feel like you need someone to blame. Yeah. And because the alternative is your own brain, which is scary. Scary. So I wasn't mad at you. I was mad that I was on the train. If you would have won and you were the captain, would you have bounced me?

I don't know i i agree with i agree with you doing that oh yeah i remember the immediate reaction was all right fuck yes i can have fun i go to the happy hour i can sleep in a hotel so i was pumped but it was just five days into it. The yak was taken off. They were on a new run. They were on a hell of a run. I was watching that and I was like, now I'm just following around and it can't be in content. And that's just, you were getting screamed at. We missed Frank's poop. Yeah.

We missed Frank, the whole pooping thing. Maybe it was for the best. I don't know. I don't think I would have contributed. Yeah. No, it's a great show though. It was fun to watch. But like, even after we were done competing, they didn't give you a swing on any of the competitions, did they?

No, but I could have if I wanted to. Really? I showed up to the balloon one three hours early. You did, but then they screamed at you when you were like kind of visible. It was this big in the background. It was my own fault. Like, I can't be on camera. No, it it wasn't you were a half a mile from the competition and they called you on the phone to get out of frame you're on a farm i was still loitering in frame i forgot how big frames can be it was a stomp not a loiter so i i was i was bitter and i was irate

that i was on this trip without getting any screen time. Yes. I don't disagree with his move. No. The thing is, like, you and I are always, like, treated equally. Look at our face paint. You somehow got, yeah, you probably paid her more. She was cool to me.

That makes no sense to me. He's not fucking her. He has to be. He can't be. That is a perfect alien. He doesn't. That is a perfect alien. It's a perfect. It's not the alien. It's to be. He can't be. That is a perfect alien. He doesn't. That is a perfect alien. It's a perfect. It's not the alien. It's the hue.

It's the shading for me. It's like a radioactive highlighter hue that cannot be learned. She sprayed an aura. They look like real diamonds on the skin. Yeah, she sprayed an aura. So it's like this new thing. Also, did she do your hair?

I think she did his hair, she made him up to look as good as possible where is she? and she also, she was fantastic, she was very nice did you have a hat on today? that's not hat hair she did your hair

you know what else she did? she claimed that her friend invented this not the paint she claims that her Yeah, the Groucho mask. Not this, not the paint. She claims that her friend invented the Groucho mask. How old is her friend? Her friend is her age and currently alive. No, then. This is... No, the person who invented that

is probably been dead for 80 years. Wasn't this the original mask? It was the first disguise. Yeah, and it was in like silent movies, correct? Yeah, it was the first disguise audio you want me to grab her no she was nice i know i'll talk to her say this did you did you say anything that or do anything that would maybe so manufacture a better face painting i went in and i asked if she could make me purple nick and she said that's one of the most popular ones

purple nick is hugh okay so and she was like i can't do that and i said why's one of the most popular ones purple nick is hue okay so and she was like i can't do that and i said why she's like it's too easy and so i asked for alien and she said she pulled up a photo uh of an alien it was very very um elementary looking it looked like a something that would be hanging on a parent's fridge and i said that's good she said no it's not and uh she started doing my face paint and she was like oh this beard is perfect for like do you i can shape the head of the alien and i was like go ahead and do it she did it and she said oh i need to do the neck i said what she's like i need to I need to neck you I said okay that's fine she offered that up or did you like prompt her she offered to neck me

and then she also got real deep in my ear holes she got your ear holes oh she got your ears and the holes all the way in I mean that I don't get it I don't know ours look bad

thing is you were running out of time when she did yours no i wasn't for me no i wasn't i made sure she must have been tired because i was the first one she did she was tired because you were the first one you did she did way more on kaiwi just immediately sweat it off no she did say like oh this isn't coming up as opaque as i expected are you wearing any type of foundation no no did she say that no way yeah i don't give a fuck i'm i'm like honest you're a hot man i'm ironically transparent about it um yeah it's ironic it yeah i said it's striax tinted moisturizer cognac it's not even like the darkest option um konya a lot of a lot of men in in athletics in various fields and manual labor are trying it yeah a lot of juries guys a lot of a lot of

it's very funny the dms i get yeah you brought yeah it's like they know it they it is it is non-stop it's every day what is the link is non-stop. It's every day. What is the link to the Striax Tinted Moisturizer? They want your hue as well? Well, they need the hue. Cognac? Cognac is the only option for white guys. Oh, really?

Cognac is black when it comes to liquor. You would think. Then it's the guys who are like, what the fuck? This is actually makeup. But does it look like moisturizer or does it just look like makeup? It looks like makeup.

Yeah, it's makeup. I mean, I talked about this already, but makeup with men will be calm. Were you happy with your final result of your face paint? Well, Owen did it now. I think as a duo will look cute. Yeah, we went for for more like a cute vibe you went spooky right oh yeah why would you guys

go for cute you didn't go spooky you went sexy I went sexy I went sexy she was afraid that my eyes would look way too blue

with the black around it she was right so I will credit her that. Wait, can you look at me? She should paint like a strip from your face to neck. She tried. She tried. My hair was up.

Yeah. It wasn't taken. It looks neat though. Yeah, it's fine. She tried. She tried. Yeah, she tried a lot. She went out of her way to try.

How long were you in there? It was like five, six minutes. I can't drink beer. I don't think getting drunk beforehand will help, but I know I'm going to lose. Really? You're on Owen's team. Yeah, we're going to lose.

Yeah, we're going to lose as well. I think you are the one who should actually try i think will is and i think i'm gonna try you're the team to take him down i'm gonna try and what and what are you what do you say to people who are like nick doesn't try uh for everything for everything which i don't think it's like borisville versus america they're like oh i love how he's just not trying at all, which I was being a competitive bitch. Yeah. And I think,

I think we both were like, that's just the nature of a, I very, I try really hard on very gigantic production and competition. Like we're going to try. Yeah. I try very hard. Um, I'm not insulted.

That just means I have like a natural cool about me, I guess. So for that, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no no no no no no it's got to be something else it's got to be something else no it's uh stacking dubs I guess for now it's disillusioning isn't it why is he it's not as fun as you thought it's easy to stack dubs technically it's like stacking bricks I mean you've only one of the most when did you do this did you stack w's yeah when did I stack w's yeah like you're talking about about the most recent or a

specific example? What was your most recent W, I guess? I don't know. That just kind of overflows into every era of my life. How about you being the star of the pride parade? A straight man. Oh, I skipped that. That was a W. You did skip that. It was almost a W until my fucking

legs were revealed. You've been so self-conscious of your legs. It's my job. I'm not self-conscious about it. I am a little bit. I'm going so fucking hard on legs. I got a pair of shorts recently, Nike 65. It's truly dysmorphia, though.

You have normal legs. Yeah, you have normal legs. I have abnormal legs. I don't have true dysmorphia. I just have high expectations. Yeah, Nick Tyler and I all have very skinny legs. You have normal legs. Well, I'm fucking brutalizing.

I'm domestically abusing the leg machines, the leg. Well, I think it's because you're looking at like fitness inspiration, right? And they go crazy for most normal people don't work out their legs at all. Psychological barrier, but you're still continuing to wear shorts.

I bought shorts with the intent to wear them out. I stepped out just to go next door to the bodega. I live above and I got too embarrassed to go in there. I went in. Oh no, I went in. Because of your calves? Yeah, just looking at my legs. I get that, I get that.

Went into my apartment, put on pants, walked to Dwayne Reed, got self-tanner for my legs, realized it was a spray and I just have like a splotch of tan on the side of my leg. It looks horrible. Yeah, I can see that. It's brutal. You make good points, which is throwing my argument off. You made my leg. It looks horrible. Yeah, I can see that. It's brutal. You make good points,

which is throwing my argument off. You made incredible points. Thanks, man. But no one else should let that bog down their life. You got a new apartment. Yes. And your demeanor has changed drastically. I'm so excited. Well, because I thought I was homeless.

You were. And it was just like a like a blue moon event that i got a place yeah it sucks that's like how it has to happen yeah you have to be lucky as a realtor was like oh this shitty place in chelsea fell through like someone else got it yeah i'm sorry this was two days ago yesterday like, oh, but this one in West Village is available, which it's better in every facet. How shitty was the one in Chelsea? None of these were shitty per se, but they were like it was a significant downgrade.

Just standard meat and potatoes. What amenities have you lost? I don't even care about amenities. I'm more space because I'm a cluttered person. Yeah. So I just want more space. To clutter up just to aesthetically be less messy bigger spread yeah because that way you can push to the corners and

still see the floor so now like the other like qualifier was location i have a good location so but size wise do you have like a room or a studio it's a studio okay nice, nice. It just sucks being like, oh, I made more money this year. I'm older. Time to downgrade. I'm about to be 30 now. Time to significantly downgrade. It's fucking annoying. Yeah.

Meet with Dave. Get a raise. I make a lot, but I spend more. What have you been buying? Because I haven't seen anything. what have you been buying because like i haven't seen anything what are you buying what have you been buying and that's how you know that's how you know someone spends a lot you don't like know everyone is a complete shot in the dark they're like what could this guy be buying that's when you know someone's a spender that's what separates the filthy rich spenders from the billionaire spenders

is that it's mysterious what they're like giving out their assets what what what have you bought i can spend what have you bought that's one thing about me and people can knock my natural ability they can knock my genetics like i don't have the biggest quad but i can spend i can fucking spend what my accountant sat me down and told me that that you can spend yeah you're me good news is you're making a lot of money bad news you're spending more you have an accountant and i and that you sat down with i sat down with a joe what's yeah joanne joanne joanne malone she's from parsippany, New Jersey. Family friend. And you can imagine, like, she goes to luncheons, bingo, with my grandma and my aunt.

And does she tell them of your spending habits? On different regards. So she's, the fact that she. On different regards? On different regards. Like, she'll go to bingo with my grandma, a luncheon with my aunt. Yeah. You know what Nick's favorite regard is? A different regard.

Continue, continue. Beauregard is taking off. Yeah, it is. I hate it. People love it. People are changing their usernames to Beauregard. Are they really?

To Violet Beauregard. Fuck yeah. No, but like are you excited? Do you feel good? Because you've been really, you've had a ton of pent up rage as of late. I have. No, I feel good. It's been, I've been overdosing

on things. You don't how to, you do everything in excess. I think it was like 2022 i feel like it's been non-stop like doing things like doing oh yeah oh yeah it's so yeah and like i typically i would devote like a month of my full creative or full mindset into moving yeah now it's just like just another thing when are you like in the building i don't even know so that's something i have to take care of in the next 24 to 40 hours but i have the case race yeah and then we have the hangover show in

the morning yeah yeah all right took a small break uh because we've quite honestly ran out of talking points completely which is usually bad for a podcast um but uh it's bad for us as well smokes so you guys are both similar to me you're both you're both conventional pussies. You're pussies on the inside and out. But you also somehow managed to win. Yeah.

The stack double well not stack double. Stack double. If it's not Tommy it's me. It's a coin flip. Let me rephrase that. If it's not me

it's Tommy. It's like Brady and Peyton going just to the Super Bowl every year. It's like brady and peyton going just to the super bowl every year it's like baltimore's infrastructure and urbanization it's transient it's more like there's not it doesn't go rich to poor it goes rich poor rich poor rich poor so you guys are you guys fluctuate fluctuate your w's you guys take a lot of l's too i think what was last l tommy smokes took i mean in life, we take L's in competition.

Would you rather be really bad at life and good in competitions or vice versa? You're not helping yourself. What are you saying? That's sort of what I'm saying. In life, I'll routinely take L's, but if it's a competition... You're doing sexy

voice too. Yeah, you are doing a hot voice. Am I? I can't help it. I didn't even realize that I was doing hot voice. You do it every time you get a haircut. Do you feel like we're in the middle? That was O'Malley. Do you feel like... This is the room.

Are we in the middle of a Tommy Renaissance? I prayed on his downfall. Big mistake. Yes. I can't even say why yet, but I tried once and it backfired. Did you actually pray? I prayed on his downfall. I did.

I did. And I'd never do that. There was a point that I had to start. And I think I replied to you and I said, maybe God is punishing you because all you're doing is you're hating on a guy who's just a genuine guy, but he's got a neck for victory. You're not a genuine guy. He's got a neck for victory. You are the least genuine guy.

I'm not a bad person. You are an genuine guy. You are the least genuine guy. Not a bad person. You are. You are. You are the an average person. You are pretty bad at times. All right. Okay. You play.

You play. People. People always misconstrue or misinterpret like being like a pussy as being a nice guy. Right. Like a nerdy. Smart. I think you are smart. I think you are talented, but you're you're not a nice guy. Yeah, that's like smart i think you are smart i think you are talented but you're

you're not a nice guy yeah that's fair i think he is tommy yeah why because you you couldn't because you're also you're the same as him you're the same you guys are do you think nick's not a nice guy either well we'll see i guess we'll let the fans decide haven't they been i need i need both one of you to just descend what but like in what way in what way i cannot be flanked by two people who have been winning so much especially like i'm flanked by two winners who should not be winners. Yeah. I mean, you could just start winning. What am I doing wrong?

You just hit your wagon. Maybe Tommy. Tommy's like the Grim Reaper of podcasts. Yeah. True. Come on. It's game over. I mean, I mean, the Yankees podcast was.

Yeah. Not a lot to think. You're not allowed to. It's a Wednesday. You're allowed to think. I'm all good. But you just can't share the thoughts yeah yeah yeah um were you ever on any other you're on bffs yeah uh for an episode no it was good that you hopped off that way i talked too much they have said yeah uh yeah uh never you don't want that for a podcast no no never was on the t i'm trying to think of other recently canceled podcasts. Have you ever think about being on the T?

I thought about it, but, you know, she never formally invited me. He was implying you need testosterone. Oh, I did. You have cone-shaped nipples. As a kid? Me too. You too? Yeah.

In the ass. I love it when you grow a goatee. The shot was in the fucking ass. It was. Not like the hole. And I welcomed it. Not the hole. The ass cheek.

But do you feel like they could have just squirted the juice in the hole? I don't feel like they need to like, they're already so close to an orifice. I was very content with just the ass cheek puncture. It didn't hurt. No. It was virtually no pain. Were you a short little boy? Oh, very short little boy.

Really? I was like five foot until 11th grade people don't talk people don't yeah it was the worst yeah like the period that it was but like you you have you can grow a beard you have that mustache now i'm so happy because like i was like gaslitlit by medical professionals to being like, you will be 5'2 as an adult. They told you that? I'm seventh grade miserable, like 4'11. You're like almost to these. Yeah, you're like pretty much. So I would still be embarrassingly short to seventh grade girls for the rest of my life.

I remember like my mom was like, Kyle, do you want to be 5'2 forever? So I got the shots. I don't know if there were any negative side effects. How tall is your dad? My dad's 5'6". I'm 5'7". When I was 13, I was told I had the bone age of a seven-year-old. So that like...

They would throw around like... If I broke a bone, it would have just been impossible for me to like heal. five-year-olds heal they use bone age with me a lot they use bone age i despite i agree with it to your in your position kyle did they give you like uh like how strong of hormones you could take because i knew two kids who took them and got like size 13 feet and like stretched up to six three one of my boys colt that had the same like size 13 feet and like stretched up to 6'3". One of my boys, Colt, had the same effects. Like lanky and weird looking. Yeah, I think it's more genetic how it affects you.

Okay. I don't think it was the dosage. Because Tommy, are you six feet tall? Just about, yeah. Just about six foot. He's the most 5'11 man of all time. Yeah, everything about you is 5'11". He epitomizes 5'11".

Yeah. Well, you're 5'7". That's what I'm saying, yeah. But he grows better facial hair, and that might be because of the tea. Yours is a very crooked goatee. I grow stray hairs on my high cheekbone. And you had a long boy on your neck.

I do, and I grow, I randomly grow long hairs that I just, for some reason when I'm shaving, I miss them. And I also hear, I find... This is what you talk to girls out of on dates. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're always flanked by a blonde. I find it very often.

And this is what he's talking about. Yeah, and I'm explaining to them. And then you fuck them every single time. He fucks a lot of hot girls. Yes. I don't know what he talks about. What do, yeah. I mean, I have, you know, a pretty, I have like a stand-up.

You seem like you choke on every dinner date. Literally, like you'll choke on it. Yeah. So that they feel bad for me. Yeah. No, like, no, you know, a pretty I've like you seem like I have a choke on every dinner date. Literally, like you'll choke on. So they feel bad for me. Yeah. No, like, no, you do it on accident. You have a set. You have a set list of topics you talk about. Of course, you run through it like a stand up set.

You always get pussy. Every guy does. I know. I think I don't deny that you're socially aware and know very socially aware. Yeah. But like and I don't think I think you're a handsome man. I don't think I'm handsome. I think, yeah, it's something about you, though.

Men have the luxury they don't have to be good-looking at all. You just have to be really repulsive. Yeah. I notice that aging, not necessarily gracefully, helps, too. Just aging? You just want an older, grosser man. No, guys have it so easy.

So much easier. We get older, they stay the same age. You know? Yeah. I feel the worst for girls my age. Why? It's just the worst thing you could be as a single woman. How old are you, 29?

I'm a 29-year-old single woman. Old? It's not just that. It's just that's the worst place you can be as a human being. Why? At least if you're like the 35-year-old single woman, it starts to become your thing. No, but like... 29 single is, I think,

in New York, maybe older, but Americans... There's a ton of 29 single women I think that's the worst position you can be in as a human

no way a 29 year old single woman dude I think he's right cause yeah like Tommy said 35 you could flip

to like girl boss cool old and she's like the single lady she's crazy you're 25 and single it's like that's normal

that's relatively expected you're 30 and single. It's like, that's normal. That's relatively expected. You're 30 and single. You're 29 and single. What's wrong with you? She hasn't found me yet. I'm having a really tough time turning 30. It's been one day. I was going to ask.

It's been one day. I'm terrified. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you didn't say anything. No, I texted you happy birthday. No, I appreciate when people don't say anything. Please don't say it out loud. But I saw all your tweets.

Saw yours, yours, not yours. I didn't tweet. Yours. I saw your Jess's. Internally, I liked them. Not outwardly. Yeah. Birthday is there to like.

I like that literally. Physically, yeah. Oh, yeah. Not for me. Thank you. But I don't know. Birthdays are weird. Literally physically. Yeah. Not for me. Thank you. But I don't know. Birthdays are weird. And especially 30.

Cause I got like 50, 50 responses of what you're 30. And then I got some people that are just like, you're only 30. And it was like exactly split down the middle. Really? Yeah. So,

yeah, it's the worst age in these times because, well, in prior eras did she color the keep going I'm just saying shit you are you've been on soapbox mode

glad you're acknowledging I've been getting takes off since you were on your first rundown saying essentially nothing and you just have to like have like kind of words that like put together like something as a whole

how are you doing this badly if you glue together your phrasing the right way people will just think you're saying something smart that was okay that was actually pretty smart that was smart that was actually pretty smart that was smart yeah

functionally like circumstantially long adverbs work too long adverbs yeah like what

circumstantially like theoretically yeah rambunctiously Tommy least favorite race we're not doing this I think that was a

Bailey Carlin blog not even kidding I was looking at the answer the internet cards and one of them was like would you rather fuck Kate Upton or like murder a homeless guy and it was 67% fuck Kate Upton or murder a homeless guy.

67% You must be miswording something. That's not right. It was. 67% of stoolies voted fuck Kate Upton. Are you sure? That's not murder a homeless guy to fuck Kate Upton? It's in the green screen.

Would that change? Yes! What is would you fuck Kate Upton or murder a homeless guy to fuck Kate Upton? It's in the green screen. Would that change? Yes, dude. What is would you fuck Kate Upton or murder a homeless guy? The hypothetical was would you rather fuck Kate Upton or murder? Would you murder a homeless guy to fuck Kate Upton? That's the question. You gave us a choice. You can either fuck this woman or kill this bum.

But that shouldn't be controversial at all. I wonder what Big T would pick. No one's killing someone to fuck Kate Upton. Has he done wrong? The thing is, yeah, like... You're not killing any person to do anything. If it's a homeless guy, he's probably done a lot of wrong. Right. You can't justify that in any...

Yeah, even if he did. But also, like, would you murder a felon? Not for a one-time fall. Would you murder a murderer to fuck Kate Upton? If I had to execute somebody on death row myself to marry Margot Robbie or Corinna Kopp or something, yeah, I'd probably do it.

We're talking about fuck. That would be the most pathetic thing a guy could do. That'd be an L. That'd be a catch-22. Yeah, exactly. That's what I'm saying. I need a lifelong, lifelong, lifelong of fucks. Lifelong.

I think you would do it, too. How many more fucks do you think you have left? Till, like, I'm out? Till I'm empty? Till you ran out of, yeah don't know a pretty good amount yeah because it's finite i don't think you think it's infinite i think you're losing it losing what you're not if you don't use it you lose it i think you're losing it if i use it you lose it could be be capitalizing. Jesus Christ. Don't stop.

You're just attracting me in this alien makeup. It's far better than mine. They're both equal. I don't have any makeup on. Whose do you think is better? And honestly, like, be honest. I don't care. I would say next.

You look like the Grinch, kind of. Green? Yeah. But like your eyes, too, I think. It's very Grinch-ish. It's green? I need some alpha energy. This is nuts.

You want me to be more of an alpha? One of you. All right. That's just a deeper voice. Yeah, but it's alpha shit. You sound like Chaz Bono. Do you think you're an alpha, Kyle? I think I'm... I don't think I'm a beta.

Well, I'm a sigma. I've transcended. What does a sigma mean? I do what I please. I don't give a damn. I'm a beta. Yeah, I'm not that. No, I'm not either.

I will do anything anybody tells me to. I haven't made a decision for myself in a very long time. You haven't. I prefer being told. Which is impressive that you still can be an asshole. I'm feeling a lot of negativity out of you today. Calling us assholes, saying we're not nice guys. Yeah, that should be furtheringing your you guys should lean into

that more being an asshole yes i'm not an ass it's not that crazy you're not you could be you can be yeah all right fair can you be yes all right but you're not an asshole very often i'm not that often i think we all need to be yeah so. So you're, you've just discovered humans have emotions, but I think we all lean into like different sticks to like show people that we have range. We can be angry, but ultimately we're pussies. I've been thinking about trying to become a diva as a bit like an actual see everything's a bit though.

Like be an actual dickhead. All right. Yeah. Be a dickhead. I'm going to too uh everybody here i is my boss in my head yeah same flip that somebody like somebody came in we're supposed to do the um the pre-roll ads for all the podcasts talking about fourth of july and they like he just walked in while we were recording i was like sorry yeah we can flip that's very fixable whenever i

meet someone or whenever i'm just talking to someone i'm constantly wondering does this person like me yeah no yes the word i've said most of my life is sorry yeah every every social interaction is like oh how do they feel about me and then i kind of flip that over the past few months yeah it's not worried about getting judged the past few months have been the worst of your life no no, I never said that. You've been a monster. Yeah. I've been fixing myself. You've been angry. I can't talk about this more.

That anger is a good sign. You think it's healthy? Yes. It's so much healthier than apathy and indifference. Give me an example of something you've changed. Like, a recent time you got angry that you wanted help. Like Nick said, like, everyone is, like, you treat every stranger as, like, you're the inconvenience and you have to apologize. Whoa. Are you going to therapy, dude?

Are you going to therapy? Kyle, are you going to fucking therapy? Wait, because that's. Yeah. Are you actually? Yes. I hate it. I hate it oh i must just set us up yeah me too me too were you gonna say that's gay i think it's still gay i think it still sucks and i've been wait a minute i've been the star of the show each session is your it's one-on-one it's all it's it's always been been like revelations that I've had my own self.

So you don't need. I haven't been teed up at all. Is it a guy or a girl? Granted, this person is a good person. I think they'll be fine in life. Male or female therapist? I would never get a female therapist. Never.

Never. Never. Never. I'm not going to. I actually think I'd prefer a female therapist. I think I would too. I'd feel more comfortable. Yes.

In your comfort zone. Yeah. You'd be more obliged. So I want a man to challenge. You need a man doctor. That's oxymoron. The man doctor didn't, redundant. He didn't do anything for me. He just, he was in. He just happened to be in the room with you?

He just happened to be in the room. It's just a place to talk. He didn't prompt everything. And now I don't need him. Now I can, I have the right devices. So are you done with therapy now? I'm done, yeah he didn't, it's just a place to talk. He didn't prompt everything. And now, now I don't need him. Now I can, I have the right devices. So are you done with therapy now? I'm done.

Yeah. When did you stop? I gave him five stars. Yeah. But it was for the whole business, like the whole doctor office. So I didn't use his name in the review, but there was like some trickle down benefit to that.

Okay. Yeah, for sure. It's his company. I feel like when you leave your last session, you just like, I beat you. You just shake the therapist's hands like I win. I'm better now. And then you leave. Yeah.

And I felt bad that he kind of acknowledged that. Wait, did you actually go to therapy? Yeah. Recently? Three times. And did it help? Like it genuinely did? It was me helping myself.

He didn't like i he was a great guy and i believe he's qualified to give these services to others so did he even need to be there he did not um so you could have just laid down bad yeah i think he should target more what did he ask you he was he he it was more so to say that I did it. He didn't do anything. So you just going into a doctor's office as a therapist on the door is what I didn't say it on the door. It was he couldn't even tell. My roommate had a therapist like a year ago. It was like after his like dad had passed and his mom was like, you have to get a therapist.

You have to get there because I don't really think I need this. And it was over the phone. you have to get therapist i don't really think i need this and it was over the phone and he went to like three sessions and every time he went on a session the the therapist would just ask about his roommates about me and spider like how are your roommates treating how are your roommates treating you and like it was like my my dad like i'm here like i'm here because of that yeah that's not because like he was just so focused on the fact of roommates that it makes me not trust therapists as a whole. I don't. Well, he is a stoolie.

No, he didn't know. Maybe you just want to know about Dr. Stoolie is like the funniest. That's why I don't trust therapy. Yeah. Like I know myself more. I get that. You can like. Like learn.

I think it's just maybe an arena for you to talk out loud and to hear yourself. And yeah, I need to do. I'll recommend him to others, but never again. I'll never go again. So high praise for therapy. You should, you should go and like,

just complain about, yeah, you would Kyle and see if, why would I not benefit together? You're, you're, you're too smart. You know,

yourself, you know, you're way too intelligent. Not at all. I'm tired of people thinking that. Me too. Yeah. But I believe it.

I'm tired of people believing that. Do you think I'd be a good fit for therapy? Yeah. No. Your problems aren't like, you know your problems, both of you. We just don't act on them. I don't consider them problems. They're right. They're barely problems. Both of you. We just don't act on them. I don't consider them problems. They're right.

They're barely problems. Yeah. Yeah. That is insane. What is fucking going on? That is insane. What did he just do? His body positioning.

Yeah. Like I'm. I don't. I don't. We've become like a motivational podcast. Yeah. I could tell. Very deep.

Yeah. Fuck this. Yeah. This is gay. Fuck this. Yeah. No. No. I want to keep doing this. to keep doing oh really yeah this is what you want to do yeah what what's wrong with me are you breaking me down i don't i can't sit still that's one of my issues i don't know if that's a therapy thing though i'm fidgety yeah so i don't want to podcast anymore. Oh, sucks. That's so stupid. So pissed. I'm just going to stay on

and get some thoughts off since I'm not allowed to anywhere else. No, no, no. You want me to reject your reply to what I'm going to say? No, you're just going to say no, that's a new untold story.

Hey, is that story old or told? Fuck no, baby. That's a new untold story. I knew I told you. Outro Music