A New Untold Story - A New Untold Story: Ep. #300 - MIRESH PATEL

Episode Date: July 14, 2022

A New Untold Story: Ep. #300 - MIRESH PATEL -- THE LONG AWAITED [IBM] SPECIAL -- We laughed our shafts off for 90+ minutesYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, a new untold story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad free on Amazon Music. You don't need to do that. That actually fucks a lot of things up. Rookie. Rookie. No, not a rookie. That was just like a thing you shouldn't have done. Comfortable already. A new untold story episode 300 yeah that was

the jingle we planned on doing do we have an ad today none of them paid for the top none of them paid for the top I promise you none of them paid for the top yeah we have half an ad so we can only we have to popcorn the words five milligram instant release yeah just just get it um we'll get to the guest but you know we are creatures of habit we start every episode off with uh the news

um a lot going on a lot going on in the world especially after a week break some this week we have not bad yeah um did you prep for it? Because I did not. No, not at all. But I just looked through some of the headlines. You looked through? Yeah, so I did not prep. I had my family in town, so I just like... So I'll just like try to think of some things right now.

Just read the headlines. I read the Wall Street Journal this morning, so I'll try to remember some headlines. A judge ruled that sandwich giant Subway. They can be sued over claims that it's tuna sandwiches contained other animal products like traces of chicken and pork. You're in that. Did you hear this? I've heard things about tuna subway tuna but i didn't know it contained like chicken that's right this marks

the second time subway has been in the news for meat being inside something it shouldn't be chicken and tuna and adult male penis and child boys that's a it's true yes yes it's a true statement i said uh where all my cinephiles at i don't watch too many movies but i'm sure there's others in here yeah sure uh with a new thor movie failing to meet many's expectations many people are questioning if the mcu has run its course a little mcu exhaustion uh the studio fears that the new Fantastic Four with John Krasinski attached could be a flop as audiences already saw for attached to Krasinski for the entire run

of the office Pam is not good-looking she's plain-looking on top of that there's the new Deadpool movie which Ryan Reynolds said there will be the craziest fourth wall break you've ever seen on screen. I guess Ryan doesn't know. I watched the 2001 Daytona 500, uh,

and climate change news, the Arctic turn a once abundant bird in Canada's coastline. It's the Arctic turn. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, it's now right about this. Yes. It's abundant on, on the's coastline it's the arctic turn yeah yeah uh it's now i read about this yes it's abundant on on the canadian coastline it's now listed as a conservation concern as upwards of one in every four are dying due to a shift in migration

one fourth turn death what is this? The 2001 Daytona 500? Topical. Maresh Patel is on the A New Untold Story podcast this week. Did you guys hear about this? News to me. When I first met Maresh, I wasn't sure if he was Indian or Middle Eastern. So I asked questions to get some clues.

I said, uh, so what do you like to do for fun? Travel? He responded with, I love to go to Bombay. Which didn't help because that could have meant his birthplace or murdering his girlfriend with an IED. Bombay. Fuck you. Fuck, man. IED. Bombay. Fuck you. Fuck man.

These are just really just, I'm just trying to spitball here. That was a headline I read. I saw that on the r slash news site. Yeah, that's right. I sorted by controversial. The New York Giants' Sterling Shepard has no timetable for his return from an Achilles injury.

You know, he's one of the last remaining, you know, playoff participants on the Giants. No timetable for his return due to an Achilles injury. A shame because I feel like the explosive wide receiver could finally blow up for Big Blue. That really sucks because I, for one, want this once great franchise to return to what it once was. It's good for football. It's a misdirection, folks.

Probably thought I was going one way by saying, oh, exploding for Big Blue. Anyways. Somebody pitched, and it's considered a floating abortion clinic was proposed. A floating abortion? Yeah, it's like a floating. They've done floating casinos where it's illegal to gamble.

Yes. Oh, I thought you meant zero gravity. No, no, no. That would've been cool. But a floating abortion clinic was proposed in the Gulf to bypass current bans. Typical. Oh, boy. Typical cruises have conga lines.

This one will have tong the gines. They will be using tongs to remove fetuses from pussies. Tonga gines. Fuck you, dude. This is just in the Caribbean. Yeah. That's like a small C-section. That's right.

Let's check in with Butte, Montana, as we always do. We're always checking in with Butte. Police gave a citation to an owner of a bar called the Original Minefield. Why would they give a ticket to an owner of a bar?'ll tell you it's because the music was too loud i for one hate this because i'm of a firm belief that the only person that could find a ticket in a bar is a 10 year old violet beauregard ensuring her exclusive tour of a chocolate factory that's the only person that should get a ticket in a bar a won Wonka bar. A golden ticket. Inside of her chocolate candy.

To get her a tour. Nothing bad will happen there. That sounds awesome. Magically. Oh, man. What's up, Maresh? What's up, boys? In the mic, dude.

Oh, in the mic? Sorry, sorry, sorry. Shut up, Maresh. I got news. You have some? Yes. mic, dude. Shut up, Maresh. I got newsed. You have some? Oh, fuck yes. I just saw the headlines. I didn't write anything for them. Did you just take out your cyst?

And put it in his pocket. I took out my cyst? We haven't really talked since Barstool vs. America came out. Did you watch it? I saw you right before Barstool vs. America came out. Did you watch it? Oh, it was bad. I saw you right before Barstool vs. America. So I knew. It was huge. I was like, my reality television debut, ironically or coincidentally, coincides with my first gigantic lip cyst.

But everyone kind of reassured. Whenever I would go out, no one was like, they're all like, I i can barely even tell it was your big break the production cameras in my first interviewed it was the only thing they could see i think the nicest thing nick could have done was send you home first that would yeah yeah i'll never forgive you for that but yeah that would have been nice that was nice if it was indefinite yeah but even in the last the finale two weeks later some reason looked bigger looked bigger bigger oh no it was uh do you have any news for us man i'm sorry if you already wrote tonga jine no i some of mine are more morbid um but you know sometimes a lot of news stories are morbid a 20 year old south carolina man who has

a 20 year old south carolina man who was reported missing two months ago fell into a plastic shredder at the recycling plant where he worked according to a coroner missing shredded man sounds like nick whenever i leave his place to go to the gym a coroner. Missing Shred It Man? Sounds like Nick whenever I leave his place to go to the gym. He misses me instantly. According to PennLive.com, Sheetz

was voted the top gas station in Pennsylvania ahead of Wawa, Turkey Hill, and Exxon. Okay. Wawa under Turkey Hill, and Exxon. Okay. Wawa under sheets? Sounds like Nick when he's sucking dude dick. Wah, wah. Under sheets.

Wait, Exxon Mobil under sheets? Sounds like Nick's ex-girlfriend checking her Instagram DMs when they were in bed together on her mobile phone. This isn't funny. More mobile, more and more. A 42-year-old special education teacher in Fort Worth was arrested for the attempted rape of two of his students after their annual summer ball. Picking up rare creatures from balls and still not getting any pussy. Sounds like Nick.

Showing his Pokemon Go stats to girls at the bar. At least his were fully evolved. Oh man. I don't think you get the point of this. Copenhagen faced massive backlash after releasing its rainbow-colored tin of chewing tobacco in celebration of Pride Month. A Facebook group of nearly 80,000 people united to boycott the brand's products. No more rainbow-colored tins. Speaking of the last of the rainbow colors, as well as controversial chewers, Violet Beauregard is a notoriously relentless and competitive gum chewer.

Although she temporarily curbed her habit in order to focus on Wonka bars in search for the golden ticket. The world-renowned Cajun Food Festival kicks off this Saturday in Lake Charles, Louisiana. Lovers of gumbo regard this as a... Dude, you really threw us off the trail there. Yeah, you really threw us off. Really, really sly. Real sly, pal. So yeah, this is a huge food festival.

No, no, start over. I'll present like it did happen. Yeah, the world-renowned Cajun Food Festival. Everyone loves it. Yeah, I heard about that. I'm bummed I missed it. Yeah, critics love it. Food critics love it.

It kicks off this Saturday, this weekend, in Lake Charles, Louisiana. Lovers of gumbo regard this as a... Just say it. Just say it. Lovers of gumbo regard this as a match lovers of gum bow regard this as a magical culinary experience. That's almost too good to be true. Comparing it to Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. Several Cubs employees reportedly took massive pay cuts in 2022, resulting in several Wrigley Field staffers going on strike.

You know who would have never been discontent at Wrigley? Violet Beauregard. She would have chewed all their gum. The entire inventory. She would have taken advantage of them instead of vice versa. In fact, I think she would have been

completely fine with receiving no salary at all, and instead would have been completely fine with receiving no salary at all and instead would have taken it in stride. Big week. Big, big week. All the news. I've read about all those,

all of those things. I do recall all of that. Let's play the theme song. Holy shit. Holy shit. God. let's play the theme song holy shit holy shit who says gumbo like that gumbo oh yeah

wonder what this joke's gonna be about there's only so many violet Beauregard jokes no there's not there's only so many Violet Beauregard jokes. No, there's not. There's unlimited. There's unlimited, yeah. But wordplay is tough. Oh, man. That's your reply to what I'm going to say.

No, you're just going to say, No, that's a new untold story. Hey, is that story old or told? What? No, baby! That's a new untold story. A new untold story. All right. Before we dive into the most anticipated episode of anus of all time, we've got to talk about hello.

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Jesus, dude. Oh, jeez. What the fuck, dude? You guys were setting me up. This is foolproof step-by-step joyful cooking. And it'll give you more time if you want to, you know, go podcaster, go to the gym and leave eyes. Go to HelloFresh.com slash story16. Use code story16 for up to 16 free meals

three free gifts hellofresh.com story 16 really good deal but a lot of you guys maybe you can't afford to use hello fresh or maybe you don't have the diet to adhere to hello fresh's products but a lot of you have people in your life who don't listen to the podcast, but could use HelloFresh, recommend it to them. Yeah, and tell them story 16. Story 16. Maresh. The day is here.

Episode 300. What are your fans called? IBThems? IBThems. But it's tough because you almost have to say that in Ebonics. People don't think you're real. No. Like a large fraction of people.

There's two people that think I'm definitely real. They're always in my DMs. They still probably aren't sure. Random dudes? Yeah. Well, two anuses. Is it Joe Owens? No.

I would hope your parents see your reality as well. I'm not going to put them on. That's what we do is we put people on. We got B Diddy. Is that a negative trip? B Diddy on Instagram? No. I would hope your parents see your reality as well. I'm not going to put them on. That's what we do is we put people on. We got B Diddy. Is that a negative trip? B Diddy on Instagram. Yeah. He's, he's cap, I awarded him captaincy of the I Be Them's.

Okay. And then Dylan Harrison. Yeah. Yeah. He's. You know Dylan Harrison? Yeah. He's black.

No. No, he's not. No, you're right. I think people don't think you're real not no you're right I think people don't think you're real because you're Indian? I think it's because people think they just darkened me I think it's wild that similar faces I think it's wild that they think

that two of you from West Virginia came up with a name like Maresh yeah that is true that's the toughest part of the entire plot I would never have thought I would have said a Dula Bee yeah that is true that's the toughest part of the entire plot we know i don't know yeah i would never have thought i would have gone like a doula be a doula be like a we would have gone with patel because of death yeah which is yeah or we i'm only here because you couldn't get him right yeah we try to get him and then we try to get the guy from life of pie the cgi tiger

we couldn't get him either when we were trying to decide on a minority friend to make up we just looked at the podcast logo yeah i'm like oh that's it yeah dude dude so i saw maresh you complimented me on this hat today i didn't even notice the joke in that because of how apt it was yeah it was like it's believable that you weren't there. Yeah, it could be. It's a twofer. You're doing the same. Nick? I'm depressed. So it works.

No, Maresh is like my style icon. I get ideas from him of what to wear. And I saw him wearing a Padres hat and I got it. It's a sick hat. And then I didn want to him to wear it at the same time as me because that would be weird it would be like where are they the padres in town um not that they think we're on the team no people would think that we're going to like the match and so uh i i gaslit him and i was just like dude like that hat looks like a bald cap on you so he doesn't wear it anymore he doesn't wear it anymore.

He doesn't wear it anymore. Yeah, I've taken a lot of fashion advice and pop culture and music advice. He put me on. I put you on to Babytron. Maybe. Or you already knew about him. I knew about Babytron. What's that one song?

Frankenstein. Oh, yeah. You're talking about Spice Talk. Spice Talk, and I put you on. You put you on to Spice Talk? He put me on to a lot of put-ons that I've claimed as my own. Yeah, I've done the same. Maresh put me on to the Chinatown Tacos. And that's one of your biggest players.

Goddamn. We talked about it on another podcast today, and I didn't say a word about your brown ass. I've used that as sort of like a cornerstone of our friendship. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That recommendation. All right. I still appreciate it. I've used that as sort of like a cornerstone of our friendship that recommendation I still appreciate it wait till you see me play a flute to get a

cobra out of a wicker basket who taught you this Nick you always put me on the coolest stuff who taught you this dude it's me I picked it up myself my bad my bad for blowing up your spot dude it's all good you can take that one no i should learn how to do that just so people can be like do maresh teach you something like

no why yeah maresh was trying to tell me that he's the only Maresh Patel. And so I put it, it was two days ago. And I searched it on Facebook and it, it, my phone overheated with how many there were. It was like 26. It was like an ember. There was 26 within 30 miles of us. And then it went to Mitesh. Mitesh.

You're saying there's 26 total? I think so. I don't know how, is Maresh a name i don't think so i thought my parents told me they made it up your parents told you they made up maresh yeah and there's still 26 locals now there's 26 with the same made up name they're just there's infinite like combinations of letters that can make difference you got to get a group chat of all 26 of you guys and mobilize those guys yeah that's i try to get uh when i first started at barstool i tried to get a bunch of dudes named hoyt i remember you told me you were so excited because i wanted to go in the bar

just like oh here's nick and the hoyts i try to get uh you sent me like a yeah go ahead it was it might have been before i started even working here it was immediately because you pitched me that idea in a paragraph form late at night and i was like that that's maybe funny dude no you gave up on that i gave up on like that was your ticket to the chocolate i wanted oh i know it really was i wanted all of my friends to be named hoyt and i just roll with like a group of hoyts and uh i wanted us to have like a sprinter van and shit for no that was part of it but uh i gave up on it way too soon because i don't think there's enough hoits it's the maresh of hoits any hoits maybe it's a last name no i think there's i think hoit would be like a hot guy name hoit uh it might be it just

i don't know a single hoit you know a lot of people everyone knows i hate it everyone knows everybody patel's the most common last name right or one behind smith i think we're like the smith of india okay yeah okay where'd you grow up uh according to white socks dave in india yeah dude so you met white socks day he's he's been in barstool lore for a very long time we took we went to fish market which I put you on to. Maybe. Definitely. And we were with White Sox Dave and Carlton from Upper St. Clair put me

on to it. No, he didn't. Yeah, whatever. There's no such person. He's going to appreciate that. So, we were with me, Chief, Maresh, White Sox Dave Dave, Donnie, Donnie was there.

Chef. Uh, no. Duonton Don. Uh, White Sox, Dave took one sip of beer and then there was this look in his eye and I was like, oh fuck. Yeah. He looks over at Maresh. The beer is still all on his upper lip.

I don't know if he got any in his mouth and he just goes, so like, where are you from? The best part was I had met him before and had this phone number. You had met him and had the phone number. You had his phone number. White Sox Dave multiple times. Yeah. One time I was like. I was with you and White Sox Dave and Nick once.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. One day it was me, Nick, and he's like, come downstairs, meet me underneath your apartment at this bar. And it was White Sox Dave. And I made the mistake of wearing a White Sox hat. Yeah. But you didn't know White Sox Dave was at this bar. And it was White Sox Dave. And I made the mistake of wearing a White Sox hat. Yeah, but you didn't know White Sox Dave was there.

I didn't know it was going to be White Sox Dave. You used to live in Chicago. Yeah, he's probably like, I'm pissed. This is for Southsiders. He was like, he hugged me. I was just like. Yeah. And then you met Chief.

And then Chief tweeted out, like, does anybody know Maresh? I walked in here i got like a standing ovation that was yeah that was wild it was ken jack and joey we went to the bathhouse with joey kamasta me maresh and joey and maresh went to go piss and joey just goes oh my god he has a chest like what every human does like 99 it's fate 100 i don't think anyone doesn't have a chest uh i had a concave homie one of those yeah lead singer's story so far is concave but a chest nonetheless true still a chest actually i want to if we can get a if we have any chestless listeners it would be nice uh i went to

go shake joey's hand and he just grabbed my chest. Yeah, he did. It was interesting. We had Frankie Munez in the office yesterday. Nobody gave a fuck. Malasek sprinted across the office to see I.B. What is it about you? The funniest part about it is he didn't ask for any of this. He had a good gig. You make a lot of money.

More than anybody in the room. He has a good life. Then we just thrusted him into this. There's no benefit. It's all men. You're not going to get pussy off of... There is no benefit for you doing this at all. We may have put a

damper on your life. We used your photo in a bracket once for Best M Things. You were up against mammaries, I believe. I didn't ask you if we could do that. I tried to. The questioning your believe. Yeah. That was fun. I didn't ask you if we could do that. I tried to. You tried to. I was in a... The questioning your own reality couldn't have been fun.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I've been in a dark place for a couple weeks. Weeks? Yeah. People wondering if I'm real or not. Am I real? I don't know. I don't think so, dude.

The looks in the mirror start to get longer and longer, don't they? Am I just brown-faced Nick? I don't know. A lot of people... It is face Nick? I don't know. It is jarring. I have no idea. The photo we used was me in Italy. Yeah, so you were even darker.

Now, you said when you get tan, you just get reflective. Well, there's a couple stages. So I'm brown. That's my base layer. Sure, yeah, yeah. Then I get a little bit darker then i get like approaching black then there's purple and then there's shiny purple is after approaching i had a purple doctor once yeah shiny is like the rare form of me and there's like i'll have to ask

my mom if she has this picture i have like braces real chubby and my forehead is just reflecting you just see your mom taking yeah you can see the person taking the picture is there like a color that's like a deeper purple than indigo yeah um you were this is when you were like fatter too right it's violet it's file yeah it's violet uh you're blowing up on this pod. Why are you doing that with your hands in your mouth? Someone called me out on that one. Put my hands in my mouth too often. You've been happy.

You know the motherfucker that said it. I've been happy. You know the motherfucker that said it. I saw him. He was Valentino-ing on the Yak. Yeah, he was dancing and Valentino-ing. He was dancing. I'm happy. Took a week off.

Doing the Birdman. The Birdman hang around. Oh, you got a new apartment. You moved away from us in Fi-Di. Yes, live in West Village now. Love it. In the honeymoon stage. But, like, describe.

I never saw your last place. None of us ever have. No. You've never invited any of us over i'm completely content with that we're not like what would i have done host us yeah and do what i don't know it's like it's it's an intimate look inside of kyle yeah i don't need that i don't need that from you you don't need that from me he's been to my apartment been to my ex-apartment are curious yeah where are you you're from what connecticut yeah what what town milford

what school i went well so i went to school in a different town amity okay i thought you're from westport that's where my family lives now i'm a man in different many different places they're very rich town nonetheless i've actually uh you invited a guy over to your parents house your your mom's place no no your aunt uncle's your aunt uncle's place I've actually you invited a guy over to your parents house your mom's place no your aunt and uncle's place and he sent me just a full tour of it can you like not say it like that

I invited a dude over to my family you did you did well it was Thanksgiving he had nowhere else to go as a family he had a family and you're thinking this is one of the morning times of the year yeah well Muresh grew up in Milford, Connecticut and is now on the Anus podcast. That's like a reverse Slumdog Millionaire.

What? Because in the movie, the kid started off on a show does that make sense? no dude he came from a very rich white town and now he's on this you're saying this is a slum?

yeah like it's filthy yeah hell yeah dude I know that with that that rocked now you have to do the manscape dad got bush definitely do if you definitely do if you don't use manscaped whether you're looking to go bald like an eagle or just in need of a safe trim manscaped is dedicated to helping you level up your full body grooming game any issues with that so far no no you're doing really well man the performance package 4.0 is the perfect bundle for all your grooming needs i've used the 4.0 plenty of times you just got it for the first time i did like probably two years of doing ads for that's right yeah they just sent me the product it was awesome they sent it for free it works anything else it works well the fact that it works it works

waterproof waterproof the light the the no nick technology the weed it's more like yes, Nick technology, because I love it. The weed whacker. I fucking I completely forgot about the ear and nose trimmer. I don't even like think about my ear or nose hair. No. And that's because you have the trimmer. No, because I use the trimmer. I don't use it.

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We have one more. This podcast is crushing it. Three ad pod, boy. Let's not make this an interview about Maresh because I have some things I need to talk to you about, Kyle. I heard a story about you that sent a shiver down my spine. The fuck? And for the listeners of this podcast. Are you smiling because you know?

Oh, he knows. What is it? I was at the Jersey Shore for a high noon event. And an Italian girl came up to me. And she said, didn't say hi didn't say anything you guys all know kyle the listeners know kyle just warning you this is going to gross you out she said i miss kissing kyle i'm fine thinking of kyle fucking you always have been it doesn't weird me out like kyle's a primal guy but kyle like grabbing the back of a girl's head and like making out with her and then like

he'll like pull away and i was like thank you and then i'll keep going it weirds me out it's way too that didn't happen though you've never kissed that specific instance did not happen but you've but you kiss yeah i. But you kiss. I've seen you kiss before. You've seen him kiss? You made up a fake scenario. You haven't. I have.

I'm not. I have. I made up a fake scenario about saying thank you, but the girl actually came up and said she misses kissing you. Must have been from a while ago. Or she calls him kissing Kyle. Kissing Kyle? Do you kiss?

You kiss everyone else. You French? No. Don't do this, Nick? You kiss? You kiss? No. Don't do this, Nick. You're throwing me under the bus. Oh, yeah. You get so much pussy, don't you? Yeah, man.

I'm sorry for embarrassing you. That's more of a... If she would have said I miss... Because I fucked this girl. She misses... That's the most humbling part. She misses kissing you. I thought I did everything.

She didn't miss you eating her out. She didn't miss you eating her out. She didn't miss getting her backbone out. Jesus. She missed kissing you. This is the essential text. God damn it. It's a true story. You miss kissing her?

It's fun. It's kissing? I don't know. It makes you feel... Are you a good kisser no awkward why i said you don't want to talk about this no you know i i was like i was just just disheartened that's the thing i'll fuck you well but i'll kiss you even better say what you want about kyle he will fuck you and he'll fuck you hard and he'll he'll make sure you

feel good but don't kiss now because all you'll do is want more. Yeah. Can you guys role play as her friends at the diner the next morning? Yes. No, no. So you went home with the barstool guy? The sex was 10 out of 10, but I don't want to talk about that. Oh, you went home with the barstool guy? Oh, which one?

Marash? No. The pizza guy? No, no, no. Which one was it? It was KB. It was the guy from Anus.us oh i love the boy in glasses oh little dork little dorky boy no no it was the it was the mad one

i'm not i'm over that you're ever being mad you said all you feel is love now yeah well honestly i thought i i thought i had fun being angry for a while. Then the case race happened, and I was like, yeah, this has gone too far. But was your anger just at work? Is he angry outside of work? Not really. Not really? Not really.

It was work-related. We did a week of Barstool Idol, and that was every day, two times a day. That was after you got back from two weeks in. Yeah. And it was just like, I had to like do all this, be the host, co-host and then like deal with all like the criticism. And then we released Rediscovering America, then Barstool versus America. And I think then the, another thing on top of our regular shows and I'm just like,

I'm doing all this and it's just back to back to back and it's like what is the what what is the joy to get out of it if i have to do something maybe feel proud about it and then just do the next thing the next day so the case race yeah i was kind of on edge no yeah you were all fair no you're angry outside of work too when you get sprayed by sediment that that morning yeah i've been getting angry the way kyle does with uh some retail employees who assume you're in the wrong before you start talking yeah i don't like that at all there was a group of tourists today uh i think like eight or nine of them all just standing at the top of the subway. And I just, they weren't, they didn't give a fuck. Yeah. No, they just stand.

It's the Western Europeans. Well, yeah, they didn't have a word. I could call them. Indian guys are like not even top 50 worst tourists. We're best tourists. We just take the weirdest pictures in public.

I saw an Indian guy the other day taking a picture in front of like the Native American museum downtown. Oh, yeah. And I was like, that's just that's just doing what you're supposed to do, brother. Even if you weren't here. Yeah. Like I fuck with Indians. Yeah.

Yeah. Best tourists in the world. We'll take your picture. Despite what everyone says. Whatever you want. But like you've been to India. Sure. What's it like being a tourist in india felt weird really i felt everyone could tell i wasn't actually brown did they call you really

what yeah what do you mean not actually brown culturally yeah they were do you look brown they were looking at me different i was moving different they were like he's got an ipod can't be one of us yeah my swaggy filipino friend christian uh he's like half filipino he's very tall he's like six five maybe a quarter he has black hair completely black hair uh just like uh that's it he went to the philippines and everybody thought he looked exactly like draco malfoy his jet black hair there's like oh shit yeah i've heard about stories like this. You go to countries, shitty country. China with black guys in China,

white guys in India. I saw one white guy in India. I thought it was like a like scripted or something like you could see him so clearly. It was insane. I think Donnie's going to India. I was asked. He's been federer in different countries. Oh, yeah.

Market it. Yeah. What would you if you were going to India as a tourist? He was born in Connecticut. You spent maybe like 70 hours in India? He was born in Connecticut. Three weeks?

In India, yeah. I was there for an uncle's wedding. Okay. Yeah. They're not worried about tourism much don't they have like half of the seven billion yeah they've got at least one seventh yeah yeah in the continent uh it smells real bad when you get off the plane i didn't was not expecting that like does it just smell i don't believe that no no that's not that's hard to believe that's fucked up that's

i wouldn't believe that. I mean, it's crazy if true. You should go back to your roots. Oh, speaking of which. Your family's from a chocolate factory. I used to work it. You used to work at my family's chocolate factory? No, no, no, no.

My family owned the chocolate factory. Your family was employed. Oh, okay. You guys been mad homesick. Oh, shit. So I got you something that I had to spend a certain amount of money at the bodega. This is dude.

This is a Randy Savage original Slim Jim. These are monsters. Look at the girth. I thought this reminded me of you guys. I spent 10 bucks. The only way I can eat this

with a fork and knife or else you're going to have to pause me. You're going to have to pause me. Don't eat it all at once. No, I won't. You could. You can save it. I mean eat it all at once. No, I won't. You could. You can save it.

I mean, it looks pretty good. It's scary to save for off-camera. You hear that crunch? Yeah, that was bad. That was bad. Yo, Tyler. Tyler. You

bumped into an anus fan? Here, flip the do a selfie video as you're selling the sword no my friend bumped into an anus fan and by bumped into hooked up with an anus fan and that means

first off it's not some like wild story it's not a wild concept the wild part bump into an anus fan yeah it is it's not

it's like bumping into a patel and hyderabad uh so he told me i haven't seen him in a long time he's like hey uh i hooked up with some girl last night he was listening to a show and i think you work for the show and he goes uh you work for this guy named nick right you do work for me yeah i forgot i'm your boss in a way no you know but uh yeah so put long story short uh my friend was getting head to the sound of your voice wait what i think a lot of people would and then they they and then she she busted to one of my no no no i think he went soft she bust it while giving head to me

the guy came the guy came while you were talking and then she bust it while i was talking after she wasn't even she wasn't even sucking his dick i mean i just said oh cool yeah you're right they use they use us as asmr to sleep but girls are having orgasms in their sleep whenever it's your your yeah well sometimes you can you fall asleep in your dream is what you're like listening to because you're not in REM yet That's probably what happened I mean I could follow up I'm not going to shout out the names Or anything but I can get down to the bottom

Yeah Find out if it was my voice Primarily and then find out if she Busted when Kyle said Something You're like a snippet talker though You do like 5 seconds, five to ten seconds at a time. I think that's anybody.

I can go on rants, though. Yeah, you do go on rants. I've had three plus minute sound bites. Statistically, this would be... A sound bite can't be three minutes. It's a long sound bite. Yeah, it's a big bite.

But yeah yeah that was that was the story thank you so yeah so dudes are getting sucked off to anus primarily my parts I guess

what's next I don't know if anything if anything maybe some fucking some light fucking Owen just spent

a weekend or week in Las Vegas for for the world series of poker yes everyone knows the story by now i'm pretty sure any other anything else that you haven't revealed um you almost busted immediately right yeah i didn't tell did you hear my voice um yeah i got all in like pretty quick uh winning those was like unreal i mean you're familiar with drugs all of you it was like unlike any other drug i'd say just like raw adrenaline like um because that's more money than like i've ever had to my name so it was cool but you sit down at the table. Yeah. I can't even imagine how it like starts and like what like the protocol.

Oh my God. Yeah. It started with Vince Vaughn physically bumped into me. What? You didn't tell anybody this. I saw the clip. He did like a grand entrance

and like a weird. Yeah. They were sponsored by an opposing sports book with a Roman theme. So he came in on like a chariot carried by male strippers. That's a weird theme to So he came in on like a chariot carried by male strippers. That's a weird theme to go by.

Yeah. Like a Greek theme? Did they gamble? No. Or a Roman theme? They were just gay. Yeah. All they did was, they were just gay. Yeah. That was their whole culture. Yeah. They didn't just do it. They thought there was like

That's what's going to happen to America. They thought there was divine truth in fucking boys. Really? Yeah. So Vince Vaughn came by, yeah, in a chariot. Like legit, the people carrying him bumped into me, like my back when I was getting ready to play. He had slaves? Yeah.

Looked like us, not you, brother. Okay, cool. But yeah, I forgot about that. Just little stuff like that. White Slave would be the sickest name for a band. Yeah, that's hard. Yeah, I forgot that happened just because that was right as it was about to start, so I couldn't think of anything else. Is Vince Vaughn handsome?

No, he looked kind of melted in real life. Now he's like 50 now. Yeah, I guess at a point. I could never tell with him. And I usually have a good eye for handsome. He's a 6'3 or 4 actor. Yeah. Which means he's like 7'5. When do you think he

peaked? When was Pete? Rounders? Oh is that? Oh he was in a poker movie. Vince Vaughn was in Rounders? No he wasn't in Rounders. He was in Swingers. But fucking Strangers is the biggest gamble there is. You know.

Mr. Lip. What's the tell? Upside down pineapple? Upside down pineapple means you're a swinger. Why did you point to your arm? Do you have a tattoo of a pineapple? Upside down pineapple. That is a tell?

For swingers. Yeah. What a pathetic culture swinging yeah i don't even like i like get it too and it's still pathetic what do you mean remember in san antonio we were at like a hotel rooftop bar oh yeah it was a swinging party it was a swinging party going at the same time it was like one handsome guy that didn't come with anybody. He was just a third for anybody. And a bunch of just sad dudes that you know they didn't want to be swinging. Yeah, it's such an uneven agreement. I would argue that polygamy is always one-sided.

It's like the better looking of the two convinces. I love the idea of a hot dude with a disgusting wife who just loves swinging. Of course he does. I bet it's usually the exact opposite. No, it is. Well, no. They're both gross. If you marry into money

and she's like a real heifer and then you're just like I've always wanted to swing. You can go do your thing i'm going to do mine uh it's brainwashing yeah it's one person cheats on the other yeah and the other person um i was getting a tattoo the uh the other day of a stegosaurus and um flex it it's sick no i don't want to do that uh but you got a tattoo of a dinosaur? Stegosaurus. Really? Yeah.

My favorite. You don't have to physically throw it. I wasn't there this time. My favorite dinosaur. By far. They have a brain in their tail. Send us notes. Wait, say what?

Stegosaurus have a brain in their tail. More you know. Is it fossilized? I think all. Okay. I'd imagine all of them are yeah um what's your favorite brain in their tail we have one in our cocks right fellas yeah tell me about it and mine is not smart it is a smooth brain uh no but he was telling me he was uh the art tattoo artist that he worked with was dating this girl and she convinced him

to go to a sex party and every dude at the sex party fucked that girl he was just like he couldn't get it up and like everybody like it was like a record scratch and it was just like a heat-seeking missile towards her pussy and then she was like hey my pussy's starting to hurt to him he's like all right that's fine i'll go like warm up the car she's like no i, my pussy's starting to hurt to him. I was like, all right, that's fine. I'll go like warm up the car. She's like, no, I'm just going to let him fuck my ass. And then like all the dudes just started fucking her ass. Oh my God.

And they dated her for like another three months. Oh, gee. But yeah, it's a shame. But there's like a comfort in knowing that like the guys are gross. I never said that. You would assume. Yeah, but like if they can pound. Yeah, no, it's not a comfort to him.

Yeah, no. No, would you be more mad if your girl cheated on you with an ugly guy or a hot guy? I always think about this. The worst possible is slightly more attractive. Or just looks exactly like you. Yeah. No, that. I'm trying to think of the worst possible.

Marash, you could probably chime in here. You have a lot of examples. You have examples of being cheated on. I have one example, I think. Is the dude hotter than you? No. Really? No.

But he was like a platonic best friend. Ah, that hurts. Is he cosplaying as gay? I think for a long time, but it's okay. Yeah, they always are. It's okay. Yeah, they always are. It's okay. No, they always are. And like, I've been in his shoes and it's hard for me too, man.

No, I've never. You know what? Let me see the titties one more time just to be sure. So you know me, right? But around you, I don't know. It just feels different. but around you, I don't know.

It just feels different. Kyle has a text for if any of our female employees get fired, he has it on his notes app and he sent it to us. Can I read it? Yeah. Every, every female employee that's ever been let go, they get this, not going to lie.

This one stung, They get this. Not going to lie, this one stung. But I'd be lying if I said you aren't going to thrive more than ever. You're legitimately a superstar and I never tell anyone this. Boys. That's not true. You pray.

But if it was, you'd be six percent. You pray on the recently devastated. Every time a girl gets let go here, I send you that script just in case any of us want to use it. Oh, sure, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, you prey. You're like Mothman. Whenever you're flying around, they know tragedy's right around the corner. Yeah.

Mother Teresa. What? An Indian woman. Mother Teresa was not Indian. She would always pray during tragedy. Mother Teresa's not Indian. She would always pray during tragedies. Mother Teresa's not Indian? She spent time in India. You're thinking it's like a Julia.

He confused her with Gandhi. Am I wrong? Mother Teresa certainly spent hefty time in India. Did she really? I think she was Romanian by ethnicity, but... Hold on. It was a... She died in India.

She died in Kolkata. But she was born in North Macedonia. Are Romanians off to gypsies? That's a slur, I think. Really? I think it's not to the actual gypsies who are Romanian. But like, who's the hot guy from Game of Thrones? Momoa. Jason Momoa.

His Instagram is prideofgypsies. Really? Is that a legitimate slur now? Yeah, it's niffy. But aren't there people who are proud of being gypsies? I think being gypped is a slur because it's like a negative connotation.

It's like saying Indian giving or... Not yours. Or some other ones. My favorite thing is to give back gifts. There's a word for that too, but we can't say that. Can you still say sitting crisscross applesauce? You have to say

Native American style. Okay. Is that true? I saw Kyle shitting Native American style. You said it comes out easier and you don't want anybody to see your shoes. It was on a dock. Yeah, it was on a dock. I was shitting into the water. Right. But you could have just gone into the water and shit but you found a gap big enough in the wood degrees do you sit backwards indian style on the dock yes yeah that's actually smart

yeah but it took so much strength for him to do that and like just use his thighs i used to not be able to sit indian style at all and then i got my job working with kids on the floor and it just you just kind of just flex into it people who sit like that for comfort are either children or weirdos yeah or like quirky girls that like do that while they're driving or like at least one of them yeah what like girls while girls put a leg up when they're driving which is like the most dangerous thing ever if they crash they are going to be destroyed yeah it's a fun way to make fender benders like potentially quadriplegic yes your spine is just going to like compress and snap out um oh man what else do we got maresh what what do you think every time we probably name drop you every episode of this rediscovering america is the yak is it once every does it piss

you off yeah no it's kind of funny uh you know i lived a pretty normal life before moving to new york uh i gained followers that's normally how I know when you guys bring me up. Oh, yeah. Yeah. If we get... Oh, actually, yeah. If we get you to a thousand followers, we said we're going to put merch in the store.

Just a pair of jeans under the workout tab on the Barstool store. The Maresh workout. Yeah. The Maresh workout 511s. Maresh had no friends before he met Nick. Yes. Holy shit.

He never left his apartment or did anything social for that matter. I remember Nick brought him over to my place to pregame one day. That was my first time meeting him. And also my first time calling an exterminator to get a brown recluse out of my apartment. I would have preferred a gigantic deadly spider

in my home. Brown recluses are actually very small. And I have severe arachnophobia. Why are you reading this like you've read it for the first time speaking of eight legs maresh had rottweiler thighs for dinner last night is that a is that a stereotype legs wait are you eight legs are you Are you making up stereotypes for your joke?

I think it'd be racist to say real Indian stereotypes, so I just made them up. Okay, yeah, keep going. Indians love eating Rottweilers. We sure fucking do. You're a soccer fan, right? Of the English league.

Yeah, I'm a Man U fan. Nick's an Aston Villa fan. Maresh is a huge EPL fan, which makes him a cunt. I think he has a fetish for English soccer players. Maresh gets jealous when he reads about his ancestors because he thought they got colonized by the british maresh wants to fuck british guys

maresh would have been fine with being a peasant in the indian caste system as long as he's on bottom and priests are on top. Maresh auditioned for Spotlight. Lamb Vindaloo. That was just an outline. You're scrolling past some jokes. He has a lot of shit. He just said a name of an indian dish to you

i know it took a lot for you to come on our podcast you kept bailing or pulling out at the last second which is ironic usually when you pull out you end up coming on anus maresh fucks guys in in the butt so were you waiting for me to just like what were you waiting for to just jump into these I just wanted to try them out yeah yeah of course yeah this is the time rush wants to marry Devin Booker why Why? Maresh never... That was it? That was the end of the joke? You're obsessed with the NBA.

Sure. One time, Maresh tweeted, Curry was too filthy tonight. That was too on the nose. Wait, why Devin Booker? He was always told growing up that he would be the next Patel. The next Dev Patel from

Slumdog Millionaire. Okay. But he wanted Devin Booker to be the next Dev Patel. Maresh wants to marry Devin Booker and give him his last name. He does. Yeah, I remember him talking about that. I told you that in confidence but i always forgot you were such a huge mba fan maresh is charismatic and has a way with words yeah yeah he does great

guy best guy um i was yeah i'm just writing things about you that i like okay yeah it's very nice typing what maresh i didn't know he was gonna do this i know maresh love slumdog millionaire it's like his fourth fourth one it's it's one of your favorite movies right yeah for sure you but ironic because you cried when they won the oscars and beat milk because you're gay in fact maresh boycotted the oscars after that well he didn't boycott the Oscars entirely. He still continued to jack off to the office. Maresh wanted to fuck Oscar Nunez from the office. Maresh wanted Milk to beat Slumdog Millionaire.

He thought that was the better movie. Maresh. Maresh wanted Milk to beat. Maresh has always wanted to fuck Sean Penn. Why? I always forget your day. His junior year of high school, his parents were excited because they thought he was going to be an Ivy League guy. Oh, Jesus.

That's not what he meant when he said he wanted to get into Penn. He wanted to fuck Sean Penn. Maresh has always wanted to fuck Sean Penn. He wanted to fuck Sean Penn. Maresh has always wanted to fuck Sean Penn. Could have gone with Cal Penn. Yeah, Cal Penn. He's an Indian man. Maresh has always fucked guys in the butt. Maresh loves the NBA and wants to fuck the like the nba all of the nba superstars yes he does maresh is indian but wishes he was black

mm-hmm i'm very white of him hell yeah dude maresh you're absolutely bodying he's ethering you dude yeah Maresh wants to fuck Chomp Maresh is the least gay dude in the world

oh no you're kind of gay I sometimes have those phrases yeah every once in a while you have a gay phrase you say that roast was brought to you by felix gray

felix gray makes prescription and non-prescription glasses specifically designed with lenses that filter blue light and reduce glare how many hours a day do you spend staring at a screen too much uh i wear all of them i have every single pair i them all. I spend a lot of time on my screen playing Hearthstone. Maresh loves NBA players. I can't stress this enough. Check them out at FelixGreyGlasses.com. The only PhD Maresh has is a picture of Penny Hardaway's dick saved to his MacBook Pro. Glasses.com.

Is a picture of Penny Hardaway's dick saved to his MacBook Pro. He only has his bachelor's, matter of fact. Free returns, free exchanges. FelixGreatGlasses.com. That will probably be the last time we get them. Incredible glasses. Yeah, they are great. They are great.

They are great. are great why did you go the gay route roasting maresh um i i didn't that wasn't aside from even his his indian heritage he's divorced yeah that's the easiest easy jokes i was married for 10 months oh wait that was it? Yeah. Oh, dude. Yeah. P.U. You suck. Ew, you suck. Oh, I know. You're gay. Maresh was only married to a woman for 10 months. Okay.

What do you got? Maresh could only be married to a woman for 10 months. Okay. Maresh is gay. He would have preferred to not have done that. That's why. How long did Bruce Jenner stay married? Way longer. 40 years? Yeah. Way longer. I was going

You're gayer than him. Yeah, I was going for like a Kim K record, but I think she still got me beat. She was two months. Six months? Ten days. But you were dating for longer. Yeah. Right. But you were dating for longer yeah right but you were you were a uh uh covid uh a marriage were you sure were yeah and you were a covid divorce covid marriage covid dog covid puppy covid divorce covid move so and you moved from where? From Chicago to New York City. Okay.

What a COVID. Yeah. What a... I mean, some people just died. Yeah. Yeah. I just decided to age myself 10 years. My God.

You kind of did. You kind of did. Did you just sell your ring? Yeah. I sold it to The Real Real. So if anyone buys it and it says, I'm yours on the inside, that's mine. Wait, you got a Mraz song on the inside of your ring i think so something hell yeah dude yeah big miraz guy um can i read a couple of the listener submissions oh listener oh yeah people the getting off with

the news starting off with the news okay so i appreciate that people are just dming them right to me i have not been reading them or on the subreddit because i don't want them to be better than mine and i also don't want them to give me an idea and then use it so yeah it's our first time hearing some and i think moving forward um yeah we might just post it on like the day before the pod so then we get the suggestions like you guys can start writing them earlier we have the submissions i'm gonna start posting them on reddit you should make a reddit account talk to the boys they actually did a fan art i know i have i've responded i've bro i've said a couple comments the dnd fan art was fire that was sick

and you were in it i was in it with a dick for dick for an ear. It was so good. Low key. No. No. It was the most obvious part. It was the biggest part. It was the most. It was the detail. There was a lot of Easter eggs. That was overt.

A ton of Easter eggs. If we're submitting, I don't want it to be public on Reddit. So everyone will already have seen the submissions. Well, I don't. There's only 6,000 Reddit listeners. Our podcast is like 7,000 listeners. No. How about we just tell them to DM them to the Anus Twitter account?

Okay, yeah. That's good. Because the goal was initially to not be our DMs because we didn't want to see them. Yeah. There's not that many topics to write jokes on. DM my burner. DM the Maresh burner. We don't know what it is.

DM Maresh the news jokes. My burner is fish sauce 420. Is that what it is? I've been searching for your burn. Wait, you talk a lot of shit about me. I've low-key only been talking shit to KB and he won't reply. Wait, really?

Yeah, I didn't know that was you. It was never that bad. It was always mean, but I was like, this guy's probably a fan. I follow one account and it's Oprah Winfrey. Okay. No followers. Gresh it's Oprah Winfrey. Okay. Maresh only follows Oprah Winfrey. Maresh

is gay. You're good at roasting. One time. Okay. Okay. Yeah. You don't have any more quips? It was a gay roast oh cool okay

um so what do you think you want me to read the top two and maybe the worst one yeah read the top two funniest and the worst

I'm gonna go just based off like voting yeah yeah up arrows or for this episode you wanna have IBM read them

yeah alright yeah read them? Yeah. All right. Yeah, read them. Did you already pick them out? This Slim Jim's fucking awesome. It's very good. Is it?

Top one? It is like a hot dog. Former WWE CEO Vince McMahon paid more than $12 million to four women to suppress sexual misconduct allegations. It's the biggest female cover-up since someone tried to tuck in Violet Beauregard. Yep. Yep. Oh, sorry. Dress Violet Beauregard.

Okay. Yep. Yep. That's good. That's good. That is good. I think I was born for this second one I think some people are saying

like the Violet Beauregard are finite they're coming to an end there's only so many you can do with the wordplay she's a kind of like tertiary character with not a lot to her

no I found her whole I found her whole backstory I did find her fan bio born in Atlanta Atlanta I was like no she, she wasn't. Loved lemon pepper wings. Ten-year-old girl from Atlanta.

Is she Northside? It has to be. Or Eastside. Adamsville. Adamsville. She strips a magic city now. Yeah, she does. She used to fuck Big Boy.

She fucked Big Boy. She used to fuck Big Boy. DC Young Fly. You guys ready for this one she was giving a dude maroon dome on one of those atvs in the back of the meegos yeah yeah she was doing yeah yeah sorry what were you saying you guys ready for this one violet beauregard is not from atlanta roald doll needs to fix he's from connecticut is he yeah new haven or no, Hartford. That dude was a fucking freak. Sure was. Alright. I forgot that was a

Roald Dahl creation. Violet Beauregard, James and the Giant Peach. BFG. What? The Big Friendly Giant. You guys ready? Ohio police to release body cam footage and shooting of Jalen

Walker. In an unexpected twist, he was just crossing the street. Is that a J Walker joke? Say that again. Ohio police to release. That was a high one. That was a high voted one. Yes. Ohio police.

What? So he was just crossing a street. So his name is Jalen. My bad. I was trying to give you the second of the second. I thought this one was better from the same guy. Oh, the first one, by the way, was Raspberry. Anus listener.

And the second one, this is from Based and Jpooled. The pound rises as Boris Johnson announces resignation. With no more BJ, I would think so. Okay. That one did well. I think he's going for pound as in a masturbate oh okay that's good yeah i think this guy dm'd me on instagram too he was mad so one guy followed me or sent me a follow request i accepted it then i went public because i posted my instagram on the subreddit so i was getting some oh you dirty dog so i went public so I didn't have to accept them all and this guy goes

did you just fucking go public after accepting my and I go yeah my bad and he was like dude I was bragging to all the homies IBM let me follow IBM let me follow that impressive brother I'll let you public now this dude went public

I'll read another one. Public is what Moresh does in the bar bathroom. I'm going to change a word. I'm going to change a word. Earlier this week. When he's trying to fuck EPL players, he wants to meet them in the loo.

Vindaloo. Isn't that your favorite Indian dish? Lamb Vindaloo? No, no, no, no. What's yours? Taco Mahal. it's like a westernized version no nick frequents uh bombay i go to bombay is that a real place yeah it's right by where you used to live my phone just died i'm gonna try and remember the one i was looking at and we'll do that it's the last one um shin, Shinzo Abe was murdered. Uh,

almost as bad as hero, Sean, uh, Nagasaki. It was something about the bombs. Oh yeah. Yeah. Almost as bad.

That was it. I can't remember. There was this guy, uh, very, it was a homeless man, very obviously homeless on the train. Very,

uh, he was black guy. Um, very obviously black as well. Um, um both he was very obviously both these things and i meant to give him a dollar i usually keep a dollar in my pocket and i accidentally gave a 20 and so he like ran to his bag and wrote and hand me this piece of paper and he said it was an m-word pass no way you didn't get an n-word pass and he handed me this what does it say You didn't get an N-word pass.

And he handed me this. What does it say? A little shoddy to be that important of a pass. Well, he's a homeless man. Would you expect him to have a laminator? Yep. Is this real? Yeah.

What's it say? It says, he-ite. That's pretty, yeah. I didn't believe that is an edmure, yeah. Have you tried using it? Successfully. Really? Oh, yeah. That is a dream. That's how I thanked him.

Thank you, my good. Thank you. Everybody on the train, he was like no no yikes we'll work out the kinks of those listener submissions yeah we'll figure that out we'll have a fully charged definitely send them to don't post them publicly send them to the end people have already seen

them yeah right so we'll have a little surprise for everybody else and then you get a little special you know you'll hear us laughing. You'll know other people are laughing. It's a good feeling. Maresh. You're pretending to be a vegan because you're dating a girl that is. No, you are, dude.

No, I'm not. Yeah, you are. Yes. No, you're not. What, vegan or pretending to be vegan? No. Because I know you're not vegan? Vegan or pretending to be vegan? No. Because I know you're not vegan. She's not going to listen this far into the pod. He's definitely doing this.

I'm not pretending. I think she would be turned on by that. Probably. If you were pretending as opposed to wanting to actually. Probably. You are doing that. I am pretending? Are you currently vegan? I am i am yeah i took a food sensitivity test it's pretty tragic it's just a chicken do you sneak enough burgers in her

bathroom in the middle yeah i go so yeah well like i'll go over to her place i'll go into the bathroom and i'll bring like a lunchable folded in my pocket and i'll just like inhale the ham and cheese dude i'll come out and i'll be like what's up babe dude i i remember you were telling me because you're that's like your official girlfriend now right yeah yeah yeah awesome girl very nice like her a lot she applied at barstool put in a word for her she's got a pod no she doesn't have pods yeah she has behind the scenes stuff but your first date with her after you said you were vegan didn't she ask you like if you ever slipped up you're like yeah i slipped up yesterday i accidentally ate a whole fucking duck i did i slipped up you were honest with her there though what was that what am i doing

yeah i'm a vegan but i just had this entire fucking duck you like which is the best meat you're sure you're a vegan because there's's a bill in your teeth. There's an entire duck bill. I think I had like a feather stick. Yeah, yeah. You have a webbed foot. Yeah. No, I'm glad. I've been wanting to say it since we've kicked off the pod.

This joke? Yeah. Well, not even a joke. Not a joke. Just a life thing you have. Yeah. What did I tell you? The full circle.

There was a dating story about me once about this girl I went on a date with that definitely does heroin. Oh yeah. We talked about it. Yes. Every joke she had was about heroin. Oh, I might as well go do heroin.

Yeah. Full circle on that one. She walked my ex, ex wife's, uh, new guy down the aisle at a wedding recently. So wait, you saw like that on the, on Instagram or something. You saw her. So wait, you saw like on Instagram or something?

Yeah, I saw a picture of her. And then, so you went on a date with this girl. I went on a date with heroin girl. You met her in New York. You didn't know there was any connection. There was no connection. She actually went to my college, Miami of Ohio, Rise Up Redhawks.

And- When most people go to Miami, they end up hooking up with Latin girls and clubs. Anyway, yeah, so she, yeah, full circle, if I had stayed with her or gone on more than one date, there's a chance I was at the same wedding as them, which would have been nuts. That would have been insane. Yeah. She's walking down the aisle. Oh, my goodness.

So you go on a date with her and what was the first inclination that she may be on heroin? She, well, there's three prongs, right? Like she said she didn't have an appetite. Yeah. Okay. Well, that can mean so many different things.

Well, no, sorry. First joke, she tried to make like a vaccine joke, talked about how she did heroin. She was okay with needles. Oh, she talked about how she did heroin. Yeah. She was like,

oh, I'm cool with needles. In a joking sense. Yeah. She was like, ha ha ha. And I was like, ha ha ha. Was she skinny? Yeah. Did she have sores? I couldn't tell heroin. Yeah, she was like, oh, I'm cool with needles. In a joking sense, though. Yeah, she was like, ha, ha, ha. And I was like, ha. Was she skinny?

Yeah. Did she have sores? I couldn't tell. It was winter. She was wearing long sleeves. So that's what I was looking for. Second joke. How long are sleeves?

Like over the wrist? Yeah, like real long. Okay. And then what was the second one? I asked if she wanted to get an appetizer. She's like, no, I'm not hungry because I did that heroin, remember? All right. This is first date.

First off, this could be like a very funny girl because that's a funny bit to play off. Yeah. That you just like, you know, rehash it. But were you reciprocating? Like, it was a joke. Yeah, were you laughing? I was just like, ha ha, heroin's super funny. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. So far, I'm not thinking anything. The third joke is what sealed it for me. She was like, I was like, like well if you do all this heroin how do you wear short sleeves you would have like a syringe okay you caught her out directly in the in your arms and she goes no i do it in the webs of my toes oh so she knows and i was like is that a thing old hockey trick that is is that when you run out of other places yes that is a

veteran the webs of the toes yeah thing is, why not do that from the beginning instead of having visible marks on your body that people see? And then you get to save the fingers for last. Yeah. So she was definitely doping.

It was awesome. The webs, yeah, that's a little... She hot? That's a little too specific. She was good looking, yeah. And then she sent me the next day that like,

I'm getting targeted ads. And I was like, no, sweetie, you're on the subway. She was just sending me like the trying to get off heroin oh my god she was just on oh that was there was a fourth yeah that was the fourth I sent you guys

that text yeah yeah she was either on heroin or she thought you were and was trying to see how you would react I don't think I'm like you're not heroin you're the least heroin presenting person I've ever met I think so like Nick could say it. He's nonning off.

There it is. There we go. Full circle. There it is. That's why I brought up non earlier. That was a big bite. Did they make you feel less homesick? That was the...

Yeah, yes. Yeah, that was... We used to have these for breakfast in high school. That's what you guys were telling me. Yeah. What's the animal? Of a Slim Jim? Oh, that is Slim Jim brand?

Yes, Slim Jim brand. They're just big boys. They're the savage ones. Rest in peace, Randy. Podcast. That's podcast. That's your reply to what I'm going to say. No, you're just going to say, No, that's a new, untold story. Hey, is that story old or told? Podcast. That's podcast. all right podcast isn't ever because i forgot to bring up you convince me and my dad to run a 5k

for the cure so it's a 9-11 5k and i said what's it for and he said for the cure it's dead serious because that's what you just you forgot what 911 was you were just like i think it's for some sort of cure it's the cure for 911 so i'd imagine time machine technology exactly um it's tech and me yeah or stronger buildings i don't know. Why can't it just be a 5K in memoriam for 9-11? That's what it is. Oh, it is? He didn't know. No, it's for the cure.

Yeah, but for the cure. But you went and bought like a new pair of hokas. Hypothetically. You've been waking up early and my dad. What is the cure for terrorism? More terrorism? That's what we're trying to find out. It's not being afraid.

Show up. So more terrorism. You'll get used to it. Not be afraid. It's not terrorism. Huh. what we're trying to find out. It's not being afraid. Show up. So more terrorism, you'll get used to it. Not be afraid. It's not terrorism. Huh. So you're right. No fear. That's right.

It's fear-based. Sorry. Try again next time. So the crew that's doing it, one of the people that's running is your dad. Yes. And I've been waking up. I wake up pretty early normally, and I've just, the first thing I do is talk shit to your dad every morning.

Yes, that is something that's been happening. You and my dad also want to go to Spanish Harlem to pick up women with big asses which is the most obvious front for two gay men. Yeah. Yeah, he's a big masculine ass.

He's about to be in the will. My dad named Will, yes. He left you in the will. dad my dad named will yes yes he left he left you in the will yeah your dad left him in the will will terrain he left you the biggest part i don't know what that means is that nick thinks he can just show up and not train any human under 40 not run a 5k ever and just show up and run a 5k any any human under 40 can probably run a 5k i think this is without and run a 5K. Any human under 40 can probably run a 5K. No, I think this is so wrong.

Without stopping. Not a great time. So wrong. But I don't think it requires rigorous training. I've never seen you move that fast in my life. Undefeated on Barstool vs. America challenges. None of which were running. You were like the puppeteer.

The majority of adults in the world, there's more adults in the world who can't complete a 5k running than who drink coffee and wear headphones combined even though there's more that we're yeah that's that's fair but i'm saying you just couldn't do it you could do it you could do it you could do it the majority of even no the the normal like no yes no normal humans it. Non-units could. Then you blur the lines of what's a run. Not stopping faster paced than a walk. Especially when you go to these 5Ks. You're in a group. Look at the people running.

I don't think it requires waking up at 5 a.m. No, no, no. It doesn't at all. You're training for the 5Ks? Yeah, he's fucking training for a 5K. That's like training to blow out your birthday cake. I up at six and i was like you know what i'm supposed to run around i'm gonna go for a three mile run make sure i can do it okay the other person was supposed to do it she woke up and was on the treadmill she couldn't do it treadmills

different no people can't you wake up and you text the two people you're fucking people can't run three miles what people like the majority of people just cannot run three miles you can trot it and look at the people that run 5k if you're doing a 5k you're not doing it with the goal of like i'm gonna try to 5k's are social events it might as well be a fucking they're trucks they're turkey trucks 3.1 miles is hard all of you are now running this 5k and anyone that stops okay and i'll win for the average person i will smoke a cigarette i will smoke a pack of cigarettes while doing no i don't think you could run a five i don't think you could i think you would stop at some point or walk for a period of time you're gonna

light the cigarette run yeah yeah nick and i will split an entire pack of cigarettes in the 5k i thought yeah it's dude like families do it Thanksgiving morning. That's 12 laps on a track. Look at people, look at photo, go to Facebook and look at people that have 5K medals. People can't fucking do it. A lot of people walk it. They run a mile and then they walk. Yeah, I'm not talking about walking it. Yeah, I'm saying you have to run the entire...

I'm of the firm belief that if you are able to walk, there should be no limit of how far you could walk. That's true too. Yes. Walking is... Walking, I've said this plenty of times. That's true, too. Yes. Walking is, walking, I've said this plenty of times. It's easier, it's easier than sitting

or easier than standing. Walking's easier than standing. A little bit, a tiny bit harder than sitting. Yeah, I get more energy from walking. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't think there's a shot you can run three miles. As soon as you, yeah, increase that pace to a run, you, people, the average person

can't just do that for an extended period of time especially three miles you don't have to maintain the same running pace you're looking at 24 minutes minimum that you're running okay i've never seen you run for 10 you've never seen me do a lot of things dickhead but that's not the difference like the difference i don't think there's a huge difference between running the extra 12 minutes like also i don't think that's the threshold that's going to kill nick also i got receipts you've been texting me like hey you want to go for a run and i've been going on runs but that's i've been going on mile runs non-related he conveniently texts me right before he looks at the weather app he goes

thunderstorm in five minutes yeah bye hey maresh you want to go for a run i love planning to run and i love the fashion running fashion's the worst it is i think you would look sick in like athleisure i told you this the other day yeah it's like if i just walked in here and full head to toe in athleisure just like dude the worst the worst ever was a freshman year i tried out for the football team they made me because i like knew the coach he said it's good like meet people so and then after one day they're like just go to cross country yeah i was gonna say if you're gonna meet if your goal of joining a team is socializing it shouldn't be football yeah but my coach was the neighbor he's like hey come and then after a day he's like oh you really don't have football's the ultimate sport for socializing

football would have been better than yeah because yeah you're just you they just stand you on the sidelines yeah and you just you don't do shit. Right. The guys who are like backups, they don't get in the game. But then so I went to cross country the next day. Get scholarships. Made that team. So they'll get scholarships. I ran cross country too. Really?

Yeah. I made that team. First day I got my penny. I went for a jog around town in the penny. And guy in the grade above me goes jesus they make you wear those and i go uh no dude cross country they had like the biggest sense yeah oh so you did cross country so maybe you could yeah you've been pushed to that limit but i don't think it's because we've done it i think we know we could do it because like well everyone can it. I bet you everybody on the yak could run a 5K.

I'm not considering the fact that you guys are going to run it as slow as possible. I'm thinking of a decent pace. No, now you're changing the rules because I got you right where I want you. If you're running a 5K, you would never be like, I'm going to do this as slow as humanly possible. Right where I want them. Also, if you're doing a social event, cross country, don't do that. Yes. That shit sucks.

You can't chat when you're running a social event, cross country, don't do that. Yes. That shit sucks. Can't chat when you're- They had the worst shirts. It was like, XC, our sport is your punishment. Yeah, that's why no one respects it. Your punishment is our warmup. No, you just weren't good enough at any other sports. And also, you only know how to do the punishment part. But I loved how sharp the cleats were.

I love stepping on people's water bottles. I love the meats. I love going as a bystander. Back when I used to buy and sell and trade sneakers with Mexican adult men. Yeah. Um, I wore a pair to practice cause I was hiding it from my mom and then got them way too dirty.

He wouldn't accept the trade. You were doing that with Mexican adult men. Yeah. Same shoe size, seven years. Like team Jordans, whack shit. And once starberries. No, seven youth. Like Team Jordans. Whack shit.

AM1s. Starberries. Fall back, fall back. Fall back, fall back, fall back. No, it's... Name somebody that we work with. I'll tell you if they can do a 5K. Hubs. Yes.

Ben Mintz. He can finish it. What? Yeah. What's the criteria? running? he couldn't start it he could not start it

if we if we if we if we got enough force behind him on paper he is Rick Ross

no kind of like if you look at his like for being who he is who he is and sober his his lifestyle,

he just ripped through the World Series of Poker. Yeah. He lived in Tijuana playing poker. He's going to five straight widespread panic concerts. He said he's going to nine of 11 possible shows that are fish, panic and dead next week. Nine concerts in a week. I mean, with the length of their songs, I could finish a fucking 5K with the length of one of those songs.

That's not saying too much. Decently length songs. Long. Easy human feet, though. Long for a song. Yeah. Give me my old iPod shuffle. Do you think you could beat 30 minutes without training? No. Do you? Got you right where I want you

again. I don't want you to say yes. I know. But anything above 30 minutes isn't running. Says who? 7 times 3. That's 10 minutes a

mile. Right, but you're doing those miles straight. And still. Got you right where I want you. Right where I want you. Yeah, you're mine. Right in the sights. Bitch. Come to the 9-11. You could, you could.

Yeah. No, you're good. I was just trying to play devil's advocate. Yeah, alright. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Guess what? You're not squirming out right where I want you because that's where you are right now. I beat you in every argument we've ever had. Not the coffee headphones one. Yes, I did. No.

People were calling you moronic. People were calling me moronic because they assumed for some reason they're moronic that I meant the entire world. Like I'm not including Ethiopia, Brazil. You never said that said that asia we were taught i was talking about my own like i was talking localized like in manhattan you can't get headphones that's your problem dude your world these two there are way more people who use headphones than drink coffee in the western world what no because you're factoring in the fact in the fact that people called me moronic for that just say like you maybe you don't agree maybe there are more coffee drinkers i'm not it's

not a crazy take for the first time in a long time i do think coffee uh plateaued or fell off a little bit coffee yeah it used to be huge just with celsius and just like those are very bad for you i guess terrible but there's just so many options of just caffeinated shit but that's all under the umbrella of coffee fair it's spot in spirit coffee what would you think more people drink coffee or use headphones

I'd say headphones yeah I mean I'm water fountain oh more people have used do people this can't individualize to the mass or you can't generalize to the mass it's all individual yes because i think it's such a good hypothetical the best to ever create it that it would be like the most 50 50 split that is statistically possible for such a large amount of people yeah it would come down to siamese twins and they would

they couldn't agree either spent people have spent more time getting head or drinking from a water fountain in their life i think it would be a a polar or strip a straight 50 50 split with adult men without disabilities well you asked che yeah as a yeah as a joke physical disability yeah but i was fucking joking the whole time i feel like your interactions with water fountains are quite short. Yeah, that's what everyone told me. They're probably that. But kindergarten to eighth, zero head. Yeah.

Some head. So much water play. A lot of water play. And I would glug. You would glug because a lot of times there wasn't someone policing how long. And it wouldn't get cold for the first few seconds. And everyone behind you was like, oh, save some for the fish. Save some for the fish. Save some for the fish. And you would't get cold for the first few seconds. Everyone behind you would always have to wait for the fish.

Save some for the fish. Yeah, you get a lot. Ninth grade to infinity, you're getting head. Yeah, I stopped using a water fountain in ninth grade. I thought they were gross. Yeah. Depends on who your girlfriend is. You're telling me that your meth was being thrown off by a couple

over 60 minute. There was like a few outliers that were over an hour. Our head session probably threw up that skewed the entire my entire results. Prayers up for that girl. Yeah. Somebody somebody threw a wrench in the some. No. Some numb dick screw the fucking dad. I was

out of breath after like 10 minutes. I didn't want any more. You were sucking dick? No, I was getting head. I was out of breath getting head. Wait, so what was the last 50 like? It was brutal. It was like finishing a 5K.

Like Nick finishing the last two miles. It was brutal. You did say finishing though. Right where I want you. You've got an hour head? I've gotten 90 minutes. I've gotten probably two hour head. You've never gotten two hour head?

I've gotten head. Was it the same girl or was they hot swapping? I've gotten uninterrupted head from one mouth. You can say girl if you really want. I've got an uninterrupted head from one person's mouth for 75 minutes at least.

I'm thinking it could have been three hours. What were you doing the whole time? You got a three hour head that's a director's cut of a blow job i know i've gotten three hour head you've got three hour and now you're trying to fucking i'm trying to think now was it a girlfriend they they sucked me for three hours pretty much uninterrupted so the mouth never left the cock i said pretty much 12 balls yeah pretty much yeah i don't know so like that may skew but i still think like were you trying to tell her to stop what was i i Well, I thought not having a boner anymore would be a telltale sign. But did you bust? No,

you just, you're gay, dude. I'm trying to think. What was the reason? Were you focused on her bobbing the entire time? I forget what happened. Cut that.

No, no, no. Don't laugh. Cut the whole segment. The 5K shit, too? Sometimes this pod is bigger than our own selves. And you have to think about others. What I don't don't there's no clues that you gave what i don't want to tarnish anyone else's reputation there's no clues that

you gave nobody's gonna be able to figure out who gave the three-hour head it might even still be a guy never yeah you never said even the male or i had assumed or neither i neither. No, fuck this. Because then imagine if, say, they hear it. They hear this. Okay. What's going through their heads? They gotta think about the three hours on your car. Yeah, they know. Exactly.

It wasn't their fault. It's unfair. It's unfair to what? It's unfair to her. Ah, clue. Wait, so. No, never. 15 minutes tops. Never three hours.

Now I believe it. Now I believe it. Now I believe the three hours. I'm embarrassed. I was trying to like flex that. And I thought you got, then you started making fun of me of me like that wasn't like I got my dicks up for three hours I thought that was gonna be sick honestly I was sick until you mentioned that you didn't come once no you guys were clowning me from the start yeah I was I thought it was

kind of cool yeah no that girl just didn't want to fuck you that bad I thought it would be believable that one person sucked me for that long it was and then you started i thought it would be like cool though what a flex what a flex yeah it's waterfowl i guess all right that's a pod Oh, yes, dude. We'll be right back. guitar solo We'll see right back. I'm out. Outro Music