A New Untold Story - A New Untold Story: Ep. 305 - Welcoming (Roasting) the Newest Member of ANUS

Episode Date: August 18, 2022

A New Untold Story: Ep. 305 - Welcoming (Roasting) the Newest Member of ANUS - Nick, KB, Owen, Tyler, +1 !? - The Knews & full episodes also available on YoutubeYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, A New Untold Story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen to Haley Williams on Instagram and she thumbs up it. Big dub. That didn't happen. Nope, it didn't. That would be the biggest dub ever. Appreciate you, Tyler, for even thinking that was true. Tyler just said that's a dub.

Like, that could have ever happened. So Tyler thinks I'm God. A new one told, do i need to clap yeah well no i don't think every clap i've ever done still in the final cut it's i like them i like them too it adds a little bit of charm and i'm good at clapping a new untold story episode 305. Ayo. 305. Is that Alaska's area code? Miami. It is very obviously Miami. Pitbull. Pitbull.

But he went to Alaska. I thought it would be just coincidental. Drake. Oh, yeah. He went to Walmart in Kodiak, Alaska. Yeah, and performed. Where you guys are going. Yeah, that sucks. Apparently, we're going to this place called Whittier.

Yeah. That is just one building. It's like 2,600 people, but one building. The only way to get in and out is through an underground tunnel. Yeah. As opposed to an above ground tunnel. No ignorance, no privilege. Sure.

If you're in that situation living there, why not leave? Yeah. I don't understand. Same with people that live in bad neighborhoods. Move out. Move to a nice neighborhood where you live in a violent inner city go move to like a rich ass neighborhood makes zero sense find a cul-de-sac yeah yeah um no yeah we are going to whittier alaska that's gonna i'm just not i have i'm so afraid of flying that this isn't even necessary i haven't even prepped the fucking i want to see you twerk under the aurora borealis you want to see yeah dude yeah you shaking the green and purple hues highlighting my asshole while the northern lights

just glow the northern lights hitting my concave ass may look like a planetarium like just like a planet yeah some cool edits with that we could definitely do some cool i don't think i have the like the my i have any ass can twerk we know that but i don't think i have like the the flexibility to like i think you do um your ass would do like a golf clap i'm fine with with that. Yeah, I'm fine with that. A clap's a clap. A clap's a clap. No, I, you know, Mrs. Clapping. No.

Bethany Hamilton. That's a little soul surfer. Folks, that's what we call foreshadowing. I think we'll see. Kyle, I did actually didn't write the news this week. Bethany Hamilton was the girl. The 13-year-old girl. She was on Soul Surfer. We've all decided together.

But that movie, that only popularized the story of her getting her arm gobbled. Her left arm gobbled. Was it a 14-foot shark? By a 14-foot tiger shark. Yeah. Which is, they're not gobbled. Was it a 14 foot shark? By a 14 foot tiger shark. Yeah. Which is, they're not, like, that's the third most aggressive shark, maybe fourth? Yeah, so she probably did something. Yeah, she probably, yeah.

It was probably on her. But she regrets that now, huh? I don't know if she does or not. I would get my arm eaten out for her life. Not eaten. Eaten all fuck off um no but we all decided that with violet beauregard retired we need a new character that will sneak into jokes so i figured bethany hamilton violet beauregard submissions are getting so bad that they're so

funny they are There are some really horrible ones. This one guy DMed me kind of cocky and he was like, do with this as you please. It was a Violet Beauregard joke, so I ignored it. That's what I wanted to do. It was... I don't even know how it worked. Do you have a bad one

that was sent to you? Yeah, just give me a sec. Okay. Alright. We need to take up as much time as possible though because yeah dude did you see the email from gaz i think it was from gaz about gum people complain about gum and boogers underneath the fucking podcast desk i've been like hyper paranoid so like watch your legs that's gross but I've never been affected by the underside of a table unless you lift your legs up and graze

a gum or booger gum would be a lot easier for me to get over than a booger what the fuck is that there's a note on your right side grab that grab what the fucking oh whoa a secret note what the fuck oh my god

idiot oh fuck so i want to do this one first because we might have to cut it because I don't know if it's appropriate. Appropriate. Apropos. Apropos. You're doing this ironically. Go. Great. New evidence for a Louisiana priest charged with having sex with two underage boys at the same time.

One victim has come forward and said that they did not say yes to any of the advances. So I guess it wasn't a threesome it was more of a foursome i don't know if i can do that um can we play some sort of sound effect here because there's breaking news oh yeah ladies and gentlemen it's the first choose your own adventure news joke so i'm going to read it and then if you want to hear a joke. These needed to get more. Yeah. Yeah. If you want to hear a joke about insurance,

continue listening. If you want to hear a joke about hip hop, fast forward 30 seconds. Right to free period products becomes law in Scotland. A progressive movement to stop a flow. At least the commercials will be better. Alright, now it's probably about 30 seconds ahead.

Ah, hip-hop fan I see. You're in luck, friend. Right to free period products becomes law in Scotland? This the first time since rapper Logic retired that stopping a pussy flow has been celebrated.

And so, yeah. So look, so like I think there's a pretty 50 50 split of our audience between insurance fans and and rap fans. Yeah, there's two types of two types of polyp out there. And so it's, you know, I don't want to waste the insurance fans time with a joke about Logic. Yeah. I don't want to waste an insurance fan's time with a joke about Logic. Yeah. He is like the consensus pussy in the rap community.

Russ. Logic, yeah. Logic is black. Yeah. Grew up in the hood of Gaithersburg, Maryland. Is that a hood? Logic is black? Yeah, he says it. Yeah.

Not that he's black. He says. Yeah, I think he said it while he was blindfolded solving a Rubik's cube. He just came out and everyone was like, whoa, this is a lot to process. Yeah. Um, but if you were going to say the N word as like a non-black person, distracting them by a Rubik's cube is a smart idea. Distracting them as people, anybody.

Um, yeah. It'd be like, that's what the fuck? That's magic. Hey, yo. be like that's what the fuck that's magic hey yo do a 100 yard dash then back and then like do that again actually don't

that scared me but fuck yeah oh man no you really set the scene there um Russia has announced that they're now prepared and willing to arm their allies unrelated soul surfer Bethany Hamilton has announced she's're now prepared and willing to arm their allies. Unrelated, soul surfer Bethany Hamilton has announced she's formed an alliance with Russia.

Starting off slow. The Taliban break up a rare protest by Afghan women in Kabul. So the Taliban went and broke up this protest of women. The Taliban were actually late in arriving to break it up due to mixed messages. One source said they were protesting while the other said they didn't show face. Yeah. They don't.

They were burkas. The FDA. Fuck. The FDA. Fuck the FDA. I can't say those. That's a tough three letters to say. Oh, the FDA found. Oh, that's near.

That's the opposite of a tongue. Just said it perfectly. And you cut me off. Three different phonemes. The FDA found in an independent study that people tend to eat more when they are bored. Bethany Hamilton found in an independent study that sharks tend to eat more people on a board. Actor Ezra Miller is finally seeking help for complex mental health issues. What this means for DC. Is unclear.

But they are thinking they'll have to reshoot the movie. With a new actor. Kyle still hopes to see a gay flash. Every time a man walks past him in an overcoat. Hope to see their penis. They should show you really quickly. Can we play a sound effect. For the best joke ever coming up.

Is there a specific one? I'll get one. Just give me a second. Go. A new Saw movie is set to be released October 2023. Why do I know where this is going? Go ahead. Start.

A new Saw movie is set to be released October 2023. A new Saw? They should name it Heaven Saw. It's like they haven't seen it yet. It's unreleased. Yeah, I couldn't have predicted that a little too highbrow saw what would i should be haven't saw that would crush at a parlor of some sort

i'm trying to think of where that would crush i don't know i don't know anywhere yeah i don't think there's any archetype you should have seen me typing that it was like that um you have to type these too it was that bruce almighty scene where he's like sending all the emails out and i was just like i was really fucking feeling it saw those need to be delivered in like a leather chair petting a cat it should be called for those of you i... My DMs are going to be flooded that people didn't get that one. Someone over their heads. The NFL is kicking off soon.

And excitement is not only here in the United States. Germany will be hosting their first NFL game. Is this true? Yeah. But they're having heavy Florida representation. Tampa will play this year and Miami next. A Dolphin Germany. Oh, no, not again.

Can we, like, put that laugh after the saw joke, too? Yeah. Thanks, man. Yeah, let's clip and recycle that reaction. Let's have that reaction for every joke this episode. Oh shit. Dude I just got lightheaded from laughing so hard. That's fun.

You were cracking up. I was cracking up. I don't even know if the fucking dolphins play in Germany next year. You didn't have to say that. Oh. Got it. Cut that. know if the fucking dolphins play in germany next year i know you don't have to say that oh cut it you have a nice rhythm with your jokes yeah i uh yeah it's weird what you doing oh yeah yeah it's um i just i there's no rhyme or reason it's just the order in which i type them thanks man you're a genius yeah you're yeah fuck

it you're right it's like choosing a track list on your album would you have any kyle uh take that as a yes finland to provide assault rifles to help ukraine defend itself against the russian assault i think we use the same news stories. What a twist. Finns are usually the ones taking the arms. At least that was the case when a 14-foot tiger shark orally amputated the left arm from young teen surfer Bethany Hamilton.

The shark expressed that he's not necessarily against gun control, but he never passed up an opportunity to attack the left. Lin-Manuel Miranda plans to release a comedic series on Netflix that's set to come out

in 2024. This announcement was met with mixed reviews. A New York-based theater critic claimed that Miranda should stay away from the comedy genre as a whole, while a Honolulu-based diver stated that not only did he find Hamilton humorous,

but he also found Hamilton radius and Hamilton ulna in the mouth of a 14-foot-long tiger shark off the coast of Hawaii. Are we going to run this into the ground in one episode? This is a wholesome one. Inuk leader, Mary Simon. Wait, what was that word? Inuk. Is that the city in Greenland? It's just Inuk, but similar, Arctic.

Cool. Inuk leader Mary Simon named Canada's first indigenous governor general in the nation's history. A groundbreaking milestone indeed. In fact, this is the first time Mary Simon was chosen for anything since Nick Turaney opted to fuck Randy and kill Paula during a drunken conversation at an American Idol trivia competition in Hell's Kitchen last spring. was altered by inebriation and if he did fuck a judge, he'd marry a Rizzo and kill a Chapman, although in a perfect world, he'd also marry

Mr. Judge. Did that go from American Idol to 2022 Yankees? Yeah. That's a natural progression. I love it. That was beautiful. We go back and forth. Okay.

Yeah. Mary's fuck Randy though. No, not Paula. Paula. She's a, if you're, if anything,

fuck Simon. He was drunk. Yeah, you're right. Mary Paula. Okay. Okay. And kill Randy.

Different strokes. Mm-hmm. ESPN has plans to release 30 for 30 specials on the NFL careers of both Drew Brees and Aaron Andrews in 2023. This marks the first time Barstool

Sports host Nick Teraney has expressed interest in seeing Aaron Andrews videos. Just because of the nude one? Nick wasn't interested in watching Aaron Andrews unreleased footage ever before ESPN's 30 for 30 plans. Yeah. Of Drew Brees and Aaron Andrews unreleased footage ever before ESPN's 30 for 30 plans. Yeah. Of Drew Brees and Aaron Andrews. What? A New York based. What the fuck?

Mm-hmm. Oh, okay. Yeah. You weren't interested in watching Aaron Andrews videos before this, but now you want to see both when they are released. A New York. The implication is you're in the closet yeah i get that i get that i get that uh a new york presbyterian hospital emergency room

nurse speaks out on getting fired for posting an instagram selfie in the trauma room she admitted she didn't have her priorities straight and cared more about her instagram account than her job at the time. I guess she learned the hard way that you're bound to get fired when you put an IG before the ER. that's all i got pretty good dude oh my god i don't i i kind of feel guilty oh yeah this this makes no sense behind us anymore um i kind of feel bad transitioning from violet beauregard to uh bethany hamilton because one is fictitious and the other one's a teen that experienced tremendous trauma and disfiguration

but then i picture her trying to paddle back to shore, just going in a circle. And I'm just like... That's how it works. That's how physics works. Yeah, right. She was going in a... She was in a whirlpool. She was probably having fun.

Is that an arm? Is that an arm? It's happened to other people. How old is she now? She's got to be in her 30s right i never saw the movie that'd be either yeah was that a disney film kind of like we should do an anus watch along to that yeah and like i kind of can predict the climax was there a happy ending she lived i don't know like what lived? I don't know. Like, what made her...

I don't know anything about her other than she's asymmetrical. She ended up with money, I'm sure. From what? What kind of lawsuit? She got, like, royalty checks. She sued the shark? There was a happy ending.

She's married. Handsome guy. She can barely give a happy ending anymore. She married a handsome guy. She can barely give a happy ending anymore. She married a minister. Adam Dirks. She won best comeback athlete for the ESPY award. That's good. You have a joke for that?

No. Oh, no. No. Did she remain a pro? I don't think she could have. Right? You need that arm for balance. We need to do more research before the next one.

And before it's ruined. Yeah, she posts workout videos. She's pregnant. Good. Good on her. Not as her baby. Comes out. Yeah.

Yeah. If you lose. S. SB comeback player of the best comeback athlete. I know one thing that's not coming back unless she's a starfish. It's her arm. Lizard. Do lizards have their tails come back right yeah they're a pet yeah i had a pet chinchilla and his tail came off it's a defense mechanism babies don't come back though

henry um dude i need to stop uh spending money i'm wearing a 185 custom maresh jersey yeah what else have you bought recently i have not reimbursed anything from that nashville trip and we let will compton place the order at the sushi restaurant it was like 500 and hey were you able to eat any of that no i don't like sushi i know we were we were hype he's like we're gonna this is like nashville's best seafood place yeah for whatever that's worth. Yeah. Like they shifted in five days ago, central Tennessee. And then he, he started going to town on the appetizers.

That's when you rub the hand. This is like when you're with a millionaire, when you're with a millionaire, it's what you do. You rub the palms, rub the palms while they just list off appetizers. He looks at me and I went like this. And what they do is they, when they do order appetizers, rich at me and i went like this and what they do is they when they do order appetizers rich people they pretty much say every option just in a different order yeah so they don't they act like they're jumping around every appetizer but they just say it not

in the order that the menu offers yeah they act like they're jumping around okay yeah we're going to do oh oh then we got our entrees and then they like to throw in one or two more when the waiter's walking away. Actually, yeah, he did. Yeah, might as well go with the blank. Yeah, might as well. Yeah, they were good last time. So yeah, I have to pay that.

And I bought an Aston Villa Moresh jersey, 140. How did you choose that as your team? There was a dozen question where Jeff fucked me. It was what's Aston Villa's Nick. Oh no, this team's nickname in the premier league is the lions. And everybody calls Aston Villa,

the villains. And he went to like to own a Wikipedia and it was like, it was like, they were called the lions. And I was like, fuck this. I'm going to this team. Like Jeff spited me by giving me facts about the incorrect facts about this team. I'm going to be a fan of that team. Yeah. I mean, fuck this. I'm going to this team. Like Jeff spited me by giving me facts about the incorrect facts about this team.

I'm going to be a fan of that team. Yeah. I mean, fuck that. Don't all those soccer teams have multiple mascots? I'm pretty sure they're most of them. Every single one is a lion. And also, yeah, a lot of them aren't called what they actually are. Right.

From the club. Right. But I was I've been trying to get into soccer because I've spent so much money. I bought a Moresh jersey. Dudes have been sending me Aston Villa merch, the other villains like myself. And so I was watching soccer with Maresh. And that's what inspired me to get like, I was like, what name do I get on the back of this jersey? I look over, he was there.

But he tweeted about Man U. And then he got a response from a British guy. He tweeted something bad about Man U, a team he supports. And then a British guy just sent back CHUP.up and i was like what the fuck does that mean it's an acronym no it's not what chop oh that's how british people say shut up oh that's it's so sick oh yeah i'm gonna start saying chop to people actually i'm not it doesn't sound like shut up yeah it does i don't know it sounds closer to sup chop chop to people. Actually, I'm not. It doesn't sound like shut up. Yeah, it does. I don't know. It sounds closer to sup.

Chop. Chop. It's like how they would say shut up. I do like it. I like it a lot. I wouldn't say it. I would type it to something. Like if you say something goofy, some off the wall shit, I'm going to text back chop. It's not.

Yeah, it's great. It's not going to work. You're not going to shut up. You will. You will. You will. Okay. No, I, I, uh, I guess I will. Yeah.

I need to stop spending money though. But luckily we're going to Alaska where there's no physical items to purchase. There's no, there's no, there's nothing there. I'm, I'm dreading that so fucking much. It's Wednesday. Now we fly there Saturday, eight and a half hours. Yeah, dude.

How are you doing with the flight anxiety? I'm panicking. And I've been saying, I've been very vocal about it. And I've actually been super gay. Because I said actually as if you guys would be shocked. I got a DM from a dude. Oh, instead of super duper gay? Really toned it back.

You just said super duper. That's the gayest thing a man can say. I said, what did I say? Easy peasy the other day. Squeezy? Yeah, I will not say berry baby. Also, you were sitting crisscross applesauce

when you were sucking that guy's dick the other yeah that was no it would be way worse if he had like it was like sitting like ariana grande on the stool sucking a dick how did she do that i forget what it was i remember exactly what did you say when wallow left the yak you what was your goodbye to him did you say be easy? You said be easy. I think that worked. Yeah, but you've never said that before. Code switch.

Today's episode. You can relate to Wallow. How so? Both in cell. You think Wallow's an in cell? He was in jail. Oh, yeah. He probably still got more pussy than you i think you can like 3d print in some of these jails dude i want to start writing incel rom-coms i was talking to these guys yeah

just like the the girl at the end just like what the fuck no i was making fun of you the whole time you're ugly that yeah and then it just ends that's how it that's more realistic yeah yeah that yeah um we were saying that's what 500 days of summer kind of is it is yeah you just listen to the smiths the whole time and then she's not perfect actually yeah yeah wow like looking back i realize you're not you're not perfect i resent all women yeah but we need more hatred in there yeah um yeah a lot more um today's episode is brought to you by game time it's a five dollar sign ad they love us over at game time and it it's it's unconditional love that we have back for them too it's it's a it's beautiful um i used game time i went to the mets game it was uh got really good seats it was like 40 bucks a ticket um

spent money on that. And then I'd spent more money there. But luckily I had money to buy this jersey because of the game time app. Got $20 off. People are getting like people are seeing Halsey for $7. People are seeing Halsey for as low as $9 right now. That's that's close enough. Machine Gun Kelly for eight Backstreet Boys for 20.

Those are iconic bands and you guys can go see them uh when you go to game time app yeah it feels like a scam i can't stress that i don't not gonna say the competitor's name but when you just pull them up next to anywhere else everything's cheaper on game time yeah it rules no yeah there's some things that just seem too good to be true that's right yeah of them. Right. And it's nice to have like a... I like having the... Even the icon on your phone is nice. The big black G.

Like a... Come on. I can't think of one African-American man. My one went to Big from Robin Big. Yeah, but that's too easy. He's no longer living. But yeah, get the Game Time app one big black g like big that's a good joke yeah that is a big black g reminds me of big um you go to the game time app the account tab click create a login are you playing are you

acting like you're unlocking a phone right now are you just feeling game time app the account tab click create a login are you playing are you acting like you're unlocking a phone right now are you just feeling game time is also good to find stuff because you can filter by like music shows comedy sports it like it gives you activities i browse live shows um go to and use code untold for 20 off recommend it last minute tickets lowest price we guarantee it here on the new unto whole story podcast no but back to me being gay um i've been dming with this dude he just sent me a dm on instagram he's like hey man i saw you were panicked about uh flying like tell me your fears and i'm gonna like tell you how irrational everything is we've been talking back and forth and i sent him one again like i was like

hey like i'm not sleeping well it's like getting Can you just send me back a picture of his cock? Oh, no. Our fans are getting gayer. Yeah. Or no, we're getting more gay fans? No, I think we're almost radicalizing them because they know they can't be as head as us. What? Yeah, we're like the pinnacle of masculinity.

I am at least. But yeah, no, he actually didn't send me his cock he's been really helpful send me a picture of his butt can you i lied i lied but you've been saying you what yeah i think dude should start sending pictures of their butt more cock is so easy like but you have to find a reflection my camera roll girls like is a majority my ass see him if he's growing. Every day after I lift, I do the same pose where I scrunch my underwear up so you can see the ass. I want to see how my legs are growing and how my ass is growing. Just for experimental purposes. Can I see?

Can we? Yeah. It's not like we're going to throw it up on screen. Yeah. Fuck. what do you got but no i find it but i told him i told him my most irrational fear is like every time i'm on a plane this is not i think there's going to be a mid-air collision i think we're gonna get fucking t-boned do they happen i don't think it's ever happened but i like i'm so afraid i'm gonna be like laying down in my bed in first class on this plane while you're like like back and like back in the back and um this is the one time i'll be fine with it like you're literally getting like a special ed fast pass i did i did get a fast

like that's the equivalent of extra time yeah except like they have a diagnosis you're just pussy i'm pussy you're a pussy no i think it's that's i mean being afraid of like to that extent is just it's being a scaredy every time i close my eyes like on a plane i picture like there's going to be like i'm just like i'm going to see it coming i am the opposite because i'm going to hear like the pilot like honking the horn no out of the way waking up i'm like what the fuck is he honking at dude traffic and yeah somebody crossing yeah that would it just it's scary and i was like why do planes i i genuinely asked this dude i was like do they need to be that high in the air because i honestly don't think so i think it's i think it's like a pissing contest between airlines.

They don't, there's no reason for him to be that high. Is there? I don't know. I imagine the higher you get, the safer it is, the less tailwinds and shit. You're more just in a fucking,

I'd rather be skimming the top of the trees, dude. Really? I'm the opposite of you. Cause I cannot conceptualize dying in a tragedy like myself really like every time i picture like a plane crash i i just i jump i jump out of the window and i land in the in the body of water and i'm fine dude or in a tree and like i just it just stops me and i the only way i can picture myself dying is tragedy i'm like hyper aware of

air conditioner units, icicles. I can't eat. Great. No manholes. The ones in the ground. Someone was like, you can't swim in the river when like a barge is coming because if it hits you, you're fucked.

I was like, I would just like push off of it. I can't stop it. How would a boat run me over? I would just push off of it or go underwater and just, it would just, I would ride with it. Yeah.

But I know that's wrong very much, but no, I, I'm the exact opposite in a car crash. water and just it would just i would ride with yeah but i know that's wrong very much but um no i i'm the exact opposite in a car crash i have the dreams all the time and my car crash dreams aren't aren't nightmares i just like i just like fly out of the windshield and like do like a barrel roll and i'm like kind of scratched up but i'm always fine dude i every time i'm in a situation where there can be a tragedy i do like a check i'm like i go through i visualize every single tragedy that could happen really yeah i think the reason i don't i i never picture tragedies because it would be way worse for me in my head like knowing i'm about to die i always picture getting like that news or something dude uh every time i go to a movie and somebody comes in solo i'm like

all right bye and that's just yeah yeah am i can't do it planes oh a lot of people have been wanting a baby boy cam a baby monitor on the on the on the screen we could have you yeah just in the corner we could try that probably mean a lot to you what do you mean try it i don't yeah we can just do it yeah let's do it a little baby monitor we'll do that next episode there's a lot of people that are going to be excited about that and a lot of people who won't be but wow oh fuck i didn't think of that yeah i've only been yeah um what else been going on oh we've been trying to prep we're going to try to do some live shows yeah talking to some venues in boston and a venue in detroit but i talked to the live team here and i was just like, where should

we do a live show? And they said, well, check and see where most of your merch is being sold and go there. So I monitored that. And so we're going to do a live show at my parents' house. Is that an option? We could. That would be sick. Yeah.

You want to do a live show at my parents? Yeah. My mom will cook. Yeah, that would be great, dude. She sucks. It's disgusting. She's not handing out Pittsburgh hors d'oeuvres to our live crowd of just incels. Yeah, so we'll do a live show in Boston, Detroit, and my house.

We'll warm up with your parents' home. In Bethlehem, West Virginia. And then, yeah, we'll go to Boston and maybe Philly and Detroit. I've always wanted, yeah. Yeah. Maybe like three people as an audience like my my mom i want three random people okay to get picked yeah but like do you yeah let's do it i know for a fact like two like months where my dad spent as much on charity barstool t-shirts

that i got paid that month, I think. Really? Yeah, probably. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'm doing the math. It's always. If he got a couple, then yeah.

He bought them for the whole year. It was pretty sad. Like I went into like the spare bedroom of my parents' place and there was like two of every anus shirt. I'm just like, man. I know. We released a Mel t-shirt and like I think like my mom started a group text with our entire extended family with the link and like told them please buy it somebody sent me at that point that's just like a pyramid scheme i don't know dude i don't i just yeah i think so dude somebody

sent me a picture of one in a goodwill and it was a wheeling goodwill i was like well my parents yeah my parents were the only people that could have given it. So that was like, they did. Yeah, that was our first ever shirt put out. Yeah, that was when it was not a podcast. That was before my time. That was before this was a podcast. We just put it out.

And we were like, yeah, like, I don't know what we were expecting. Well, we immediately, our whole thing was just like elaborate fake stories yeah and people immediately knew they were fake but we were like let's make a career out of this yeah and let's let's just keep telling like more convoluted stories of our childhood that are obviously fake yeah yeah do you know the description for our podcast on Apple and Spotify? Yeah. A plot of Simon Birch. It's the plot of Simon Birch, right?

Yeah. We could be like promoting our own selves in this. Yeah. Maybe we switch that. Yeah, I should switch that. I also think we should get out of improv as our category as well.

No, we're in both. Oh, are we? I'm just thinking it's demoralizing being like the ninth improv podcast and we're below just like some, they're probably better. They're better than us. Yeah. I don't even know.

I want to get out of there. It's a safe guess. But we're not like an improv class where like, we're not like an improv show where. It kind of was in the beginning. Yeah, it was a little bit. I guess that was fair. I'm very romantic about our timeline. I like this, the seasons of this show.

It started off rough and now we have a full fucking team around us. We a new guy old team yeah where where's the new guy he's right there you are the new guy do you want to you met him yesterday come here on my cup on my we got a new guy he's uh we we we everybody has been really supportive of us uh things have been going well for the podcast we'd like to thank everybody. So we finally got enough funds. We have a freelancer. He's doing our clips and our socials. This is Connor Mook.

What's up, boys? Shall we introduce him as something else? Like lie about who he is? We just said we don't do that anymore. What? We did just say that. That also isn't his actual name. I know that. Did you know it wasn't his actual name i didn't know that yeah oh yeah what i've known you for

but like here's the i i thought like try to just be oblivious as we didn't know like he what he's he was hired or whatever no or just treat him like a real person yeah let's let's try to humanize okay let's try our best to humanize this man it was that works wait that was such a daunting task like we have to treat him like a human instead of like pretending he's uh i'm good with pretending you didn't know he existed so i knew you i knew you were coming in because you're out of philly you're caught you're uh stand up first and foremost because we decided to switch over. We were having some interns cut a clip and then one intern came up to me. He's like, hey, I cut my favorite part of the episode if you want to post it.

And it was just the ad read. God damn, dude. He was probably right. Yeah, it was probably the best, like most eloquent and easy to follow. We have great video people here, but I don't know. There was sometimes they would cut from Kyle to Nick, but I don't know. The funny part was vice versa. So, yeah, we chose a funny guy first.

I knew you were coming in and I started to write a roast for you. Oh, I'm here for it. No, no. All I have is look at you. No, I have more. You look like the Muppet beaker's cousin and it's ironic that your last name is mook because that's probably the only sound the muppet would make yeah that's all that's all i'll light you up for one uh how's my hair right now red red red

yeah it does it doesn't matter how you ever style it no dude yeah that's that's supposed to be like a relief it's awesome dude because like you could get out of bed and speak i'm having a bad hair day huh i'm gonna be like yeah yeah you are dude you know those barber shops it has like 1 to 50 and you could point all those brunette hairstyles it's just one for the ginger i uh i just i finished this fantasy uh novel i'm still waiting on the third it's not out yet but it's called the king killer chronicles and the lead the hero his biggest distinguisher is his red hair and it's let you it's it's known in like the first sentence of the book and i almost put it down because it like broke immersion like the fucking

no this is unbelievable it's like a female fucking antagonist protagonist. I just can't comprehend it. Gingers are the last species that is like discriminated against willfully. I'm trying to think that nobody stands up for. Oh, yeah. Yeah. No, yeah. Nobody gives a fuck about because you're typically Irish, right? Yeah.

And it's like, OK okay he has red hair but at least his dick is tiny and he's like yeah that's like spot on yeah yeah and it's just like nobody alcoholism nobody's going to get canceled for making fun of a redhead never no until one of us decides to end it you know i don't think so you don't even think that if it's a direct result of bully i don't know dude i don't know we name a ginger in the 27 club they don't even think that if it's a direct result of bully i don't know dude i don't know we name a ginger in the 27 club they don't get remembered janice joplin might have been a redhead was she i've i don't know my history too well but i don't either a lot of historical figures get wiped out of the record books that they had red hair really yes it's like an actual

thing uh washington george washington had? Yes. And there was a lot more redheads back then too. They're like you're dwindling. They're going to start making you fuck another one in the zoo. We're going to be fucking Amy Adams at the fucking Bronx Zoo. He just won't do it. We can't make him do it. I think

a redhead and a Polynesian girl could make, that could be the, the future of Peacock, the new wave. I think you're, but you're just into like, uh,

anybody with a little Asian in them. And you're referencing the Scottish Asian girl. We all follow. Yes, I am. Yeah. I was like, I was into that hybrid a lot.

We just, there's this girl who's like, has 300 followers. We all follow and we just we're in a group chat and when she posts it's just like she's scottish and what uh some sort of pacific islander guamese guamese guamayan i don't know but but like no we don't even we're so we're furious that like she's pretty because we're just like this makes this that's all that's like oh i can't have it yeah but shout out to her uh but welcome yeah welcome i'm glad you're here um

why why you're like touring with who are you touring with right now uh i do dates with sass when gay answers when he answers my text messages and then Brendan Schaub. So this is so far beneath you. No, this is the biggest thing I've ever done. Shut the fuck up. Yeah, I guess you're right in a way. Yeah, that's huge. Yeah, it is huge.

Yeah, touring's fun. With Sass, it's more like me and him just sit in separate hotel rooms and then wake up and go to the show sass is very business oriented i don't yeah i don't think he has any friends it's it's kind of surreal like to watch in real time sass it like a like the biography of sass yeah which will come out very interesting watching him like because he's becoming a like a full-blown stand-up yeah and, and I remember when he started it, he was never nervous. No. He was just like, yeah, I think I'm going to do it. Never, and that's why... It's insane.

Well, that's why I think people are like, oh, he got it all so quickly. But it wasn't only because of the virality of his content. The stage presence came immediately. Yeah, he was never fucking nervous. He reminds me of... I'm never nervous

for what I'm going to eat for dinner because I have fucking HelloFresh PG ad. I savor every bite of every food I have with HelloFresh. You guys can vouch for that. You see me savor. Nick, hurry up. No. I won't.

I don't even breathe when I eat HelloFresh. What's that why? I'm just inhaling. You can't know. I don't even breathe when I eat HelloFresh. What's that? Why? I'm just like just inhaling. But can't you? You can't taste when you don't breathe. Hold your breath. You kind of can. Hold your breath.

Let me touch your mouth. Yeah, you're right. Yeah. Because I have a taste. I know some people have like a natural smell. I have like a taste. It's not good or bad. You have a nice. I know some people have like a natural smell. I have like a taste. It's not good or bad. You have a nice vinegary bouquet.

It's unique. It's like a kombucha. HelloFresh is quick and easy recipes, 20-minute meals, low prep cleanup, low cleanup. And they're coming up with the summer corn chowder. It's about to be autumn, summer corn chowder, butternut squash. The autumn corn chowder. Yeah. No, it's the summer corn chowder. Oh, they're making chowder out of summer corn chowder butternut squash the autumn corn chowder yeah no it's the summer corn chowder oh they're making chowder out of summer corn yeah they harvest it in the summer my

apologies i haven't had that yet but i'm really excited to have it i think it's in the mail right now i just got an update well summer corn chowder and then summer clam is there summer clam yeah summer clam summer clam uh hella fresh.com slash what untold 15 story 16 story 16 yeah whatever works for what yeah different strokes yeah yeah just uh yeah put in any number uh story 16 for 16 free meals across seven boxes and three free gifts hellofresh.com story 16 six so no you're excited i'm glad you're excited to be doing this because uh a lot of people like i always feel weird when an intern comes in and then they have to tell their parents like yeah i'm on anus like oh yeah i did not tell my parents whatsoever well yeah because you don't even i told you you don't even go by your real

name because they don't know you're are we allowed to talk about this yeah we can talk they don't know you're doing stand-up wait a second they think that i go to an open mic once a month as like an outlet essentially meanwhile i'm out six nights a week like are you doing six nights a week as much as i can yeah you're doing this they don't know anything uh no or is it because you're not just close to them in general or do you talk them a little bit of both yeah very conservative but you're in philly where where are they uh suburbs of philly okay so they just haven't nobody's like seen you online because you've had some like tiktoks go yeah yeah it's funny because my mom was like why does every parent in our

neighborhood come up to me and say like oh you're doing stand-up all over here so i have to bring them out eventually oh you're doing stand-up all over here. So I have to bring them out eventually. Oh, you're doing stand-up in the neighborhood? No, they're seeing it online. Yeah, that's not going to last. How old are you? 25. You got to just... I think you got to tell them.

It's a weird thing though. How do they think you make money? I'm an accountant. Oh, you are? Yeah, I got laid off. But they think you're currently still an accountant? Yes. You know people are going to find you. You got laid off so you're but they think you're currently still an accountant yes you know people are gonna wait you got laid off what's up you didn't tell them you got laid off they know i'm laid off okay um so you're giving way too many details people are gonna find i'm done it's okay okay you can't bring up obscure people from you can't your past

yeah dude yes uh it's every time this is one thing you have to learn. Okay. Kyle brought up, he was at a concert when you were a freshman in college. This was 10 years ago. And you said you had a thick girl on your shoulders. I said she was, I was trying to embellish the gravity of the situation. I said I had a rotator cuff torn. That is true. But it was pretty much healed at the time.

And I said I still had a very large girl on my shoulders and DM from her. I haven't spoken to her in 10 years. I think she transferred. She has a different, she has a husband. I forgot about her. Let me just say, and she was like, I saw the yak clip. I'm not thick or I wasn't thick i am not chunky yeah yeah i want to be like i uh learned my lesson as well in fact like you have the perfect physique

like it's actually perfect you always did i was i just had to explain to her that's the nature of the job yeah to you know to hyperbolize and to did she answer your? Did she follow you first? Or did she just DM you? And see. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I brought up something obscure from home, and I don't even want to rehash it because I'm afraid to go home because there's a guy that wants to fight me. There's a guy that wants to beat my little butt. You've done this before.

It's happened to you in worse situations. Yeah. It's not a popularity thing. I think that people find out when someone talks about them yeah i think it's just like a degree of separation isn't like our our biggest audience is in the midwest and then like this this like yeah so you're you're going to be found out and uh you're cool with that yeah okay so if anybody on if anybody on the subreddit gets finds him you get a care package yeah i think it's you could find him i just i've memoed you yesterday so you can go to my house and you used your real name yeah i did use my real name unfortunately

um no but i have a stand-up story about a girl that i hooked up with that was like one of my like besties yeah and the first time i got to hook up with her i had an asthma attack in her mouth and i'm just waiting for the day that i put that clip out oh yeah oh okay yeah because i would like to know the story that's yeah i'm trying to but at least that's is that embarrassing for her yes okay she's back with her boyfriend yeah oh so you were you like a tweener kind of thing? Yes. I was the incel that you can cry on my shoulder type situation. I believe that.

And then you fucked her. No, we didn't even get to the fucking. You hooked up with her, so you pretty much did. We got there, but I had to tap out early. Come on, get to the fucking. I had to tap out early, yeah. She had a dog. Sorry, I can't fuck you. I have a dog.

Yeah, she had a dog, and I started not being able to breathe. Oh, you're allergic. I thought it was just an excuse she had. I thought you would assume that I'm allergic, too. No, no, no, no. I just thought she couldn't fuck you because she had a dog. You said you had an asthma attack in her mouth? In her mouth, yes.

Are you allergic to everything? What does that mean? Yeah. I have a joke about that, too. So, like like while you were kissing her oh yeah i was like taking breaks but like were you too excited to oh you were like you were huffing and puffing it while you were kissing it was my flu game i was going hard to like make sure i could stay and then at one point it just went directly in her mouth and it was just okay so i think one of the integral aspects of a flu game is that you performed extremely well despite the circumstances so

this wasn't your flu game this was your like yeah this was your dale earnhardt winston cup yeah and it's the one time yeah i forgot my inhaler it was a whole like just such a bad situation so do you do you carry an inhaler with you now usually yes and have you gotten laid since yes oh sick yes yeah i could do okay there's so girls have ginger fetishes and that's where i come in i get you're fine being fetishized like a black guy yeah exactly it's like oh i got it out of my system i'll never talk to you again is that true girls i believe like i'm not saying i could pull up like want them do they want me or do I want that? I know I see the appeal of gingers. Yes.

It's like a bucket list type of situation. People like unique things. People like exotic things. Yeah. Exotic. But it's like redhead girls. People go like, oh, fuck. Yeah.

Redhead. Like it's you get a short end of the stick. Dude, it's so creepy when my friends are like, I'm so into redheaded chicks. Great to me. I'm like, it's a little too close little too close yeah yeah but like you could never date a redheaded chick no that would be that would be bizarre i was standing next to o'malley yesterday and she was like we could you can't be my assistant it's too much like red did were you going to be her assistant when i got laid off she offered me a job and then revoked the offer yes yeah as an assistant yes o'malley's assistant.

Didn't know that. No, but I appreciate you doing this. Do you want to just get it out of the way? Call your parents now? No, no. I'm all set on that one. Thank you. I appreciate it. Next time you're in town, next time you're in town, you have to.

Okay. I have to. Okay. You're 25. I have to mentally build up to it. Is it a religion thing? I'm just like an accountant that came from a Christian family a little bit. Are you trying to like- My parents are cool though. It's more of a hurdle for me.

Are you trying to wait until you're successful enough that you can just show- You're making money doing it. It's not like- I would understand if you were like stripping. Yeah, that would be an issue. You're acting like a stripper right now. Pretty much, yeah. That's how it feels doing stand-up in front of random people.

You're just laughing at my jokes. Seems like you're doing well enough though to reveal. We're getting there. I dated a stripper once but she lied to me. She said she just worked at the bar there but I knew it's crazy what your mind will do

yeah confirmation bias is that what it is? I don't know when you believe what you just believe as a coping mechanism subconsciously you will believe something that you know deep down is fake yeah

I said this about the catfish victims I think you know deep down is fake. That's what I said. I said this about the catfish victims. I think they know deep down. Oh, for sure. Nobody is dumb enough to be catfish. No. It's the same way. Do you know that the OnlyFans models, when people are sexting with them,

it's male managers who are just sending those. I said it's the same thing as getting really into your World of Warcraft career or a sitcom. Suspension of belief. During the moment when you're doing it, it's a dopamine boost, so you're enjoying it. And that's honestly probably fine then. I mean, if you've convinced yourself it's real, then it is. I bet they know it's not the porn star they're talking in these catfish guys they're probably extremely anxious and they've they have the attachment theory where

they don't want to ever they want to keep the distance from a potential partner because that's what they fear the most is real interaction yeah so they're just they're content i think like both parties are getting what they want out of it so just let it go on forever i think i'm at the point in my life where i could be catfish like i'd accept it i think just let it happen yeah yeah i've been there makes you feel that's the reason i mean the cases are skyrocketing every year so that are they still going up because in like every catfishing is a universally known phenomenon now like everyone knows what it is still happening yeah because people want it as soon as it's been discovered it should not it should there should be like regulated like therapy therapy methods where it's like prescribed catfishes yeah because

you think both people are trying to live fake lives the reality is like these people they're unlovable unfuckable and they'll and they'll die that way they'll go through their entire life yeah it's better than fucking chatting with smarter child on aim i would i would do that a lot really yeah yeah it got old yeah yeah but i whatever yeah um so i heard through owen because i don't i'm not going to talk to you um yeah can we end that dynamic talking? Look at him. You want to take him off?

You want to take him off? Well, do you have news jokes? I do. Oh, let's go. You want to do the news? Yeah.

Love to do. And just for like, I'm going to, I think it's like, I want to like treat you very poorly for the, the camera. Do you, is that what you want to do?

I respect you a lot and I appreciate you. Yeah. Well, the thing is you're braver and funnier than us. Like I've been to one of your standup shows and it was, it was like you, you tore the house down. Why is that a good thing?

I murdered. Dude, the crowd was standing on top of their roofs, just flood around them waiting for FEMA. The venue that was nice enough to host you, you guys tore it down. You guys destroyed it. Burned it to the ground. You crushed.

You murdered. You killed everyone down there. There's no positive affirmation for doing well. No. And the worst is when people come up to you and they're like, wow, you were actually funny. Oh, we get that so much. Oh, Sass. Sass is actually before any compliment ever.

Oh, I would get off stage in Philly with Sass and he'd be like, I think that went well. Oh, to you. Oh, yeah. I mean, at least with comedy, people are laughing. Yeah, I had the affirmation. So I was like, yeah. Because podcasting is a little bit different

in the sense that like, there will be some episodes that we put out i'm like that i laughed so fucking hard that was amazing and they've like people thought they were stinkers it was an old episode we did called the broken book and kyle was doing an impression of a fireman dad who got a journal to write his thoughts and he just thought he got a broken book and do you remember the voice you did um it was like an old italian what the fuck is this book is broken and i thought it was like really funny people were like dude they this is unlistenable oh no that was yeah that was my that was a five second punch line that we kind of we did stretch it it was a 20 minute episode of a fireman who got a germ yeah it sucks. Gotta take it back. But I think about the broken book a lot.

And I don't. No? No. Yeah, podcasting is easy. But you don't get that in steps. You can do the episode and then just not look at the computer. Yeah, you're right. Whenever I think we put out a stinker, except the last weeks, I thought people were going to think it was admirable.

Like, wow, they didn't think it was good. They're going to delay the pod they're gonna put out and they're gonna do better that we put out a good episode with brandon and people are just uh i we should have done that a lot more i think regardless of response oh scrap it episode that sucks yeah yeah the thing with stand-up is it's instant gratification right it's instant like oh good job or like go fuck yourself right but i know if i tried to do it as soon as i got the go fuck yourself it's a dark feeling i'm done yeah it's like when you guys didn't guffaw at my saw joke i was just like yeah maybe maybe barstool isn't for me right no yeah i couldn't deal with that yeah i've had nights where i'm like what the fuck what am i doing i think i what am i doing i would actually have to have like a licensed therapist come out

on stage before me like if you don't like at least smirk i promise you he'll kill himself yeah i saw this happened like when we were doing the la live shows granted this is a cast of a panel of seven guys including like big cat and i have no expectations and every time i looked in the crowd and saw people just like staring at their phones it destroyed me i couldn't focus on anything else on their phones or they're making eye contact with you and they're like almost smiling i couldn't keep going yeah i just couldn't accept that you were in a very dark so then i like yeah that's when i did the blackout challenge and just well the blackout challenge where you tinted your skin. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. That was more egregious. Yeah. Do that picture you posted. You could see like the root of your dick. Like when you were like you were in insane shape then. Yeah. You were fucking like bodybuilder.

I know. I can't believe I blacked out and posted that. Are you two going to start an OnlyFans now? Um, I'm not. I don't know. I would imagine. I don't know what we'd do. I don't know what we'd put out another podcast on there.

No. Yeah. Fucking nude pics, dude. Nude pics. I mean, I actually this happened. I don't know if I want to show you guys. My buddy sent me a Snapchat memory from five years ago. It was my buddy Stinky Tony. I was his roommate and it

was just me walking to the fridge naked and I've never seen it before. Were you like drunk? Yeah. And I grabbed a Zima. What prompted him to film in the first place? I don't know because I don't think he's ever seen me naked and

I don't like seeing myself naked seen me naked. And I, it is, it's, I don't, I, I don't like seeing myself naked. Oh no. Neither do I. Yeah, there it is. Oh yeah. Yeah. That's weird.

Isn't it weird? Yeah. Isn't it weird? I have a weird taper to me as well. Yeah, you do. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm shaped. I don't know. It's not good, but I just don't know i if i don't like nobody wants to see it that's the thing people would see it like it would be like going to a ripley's believe it or not yeah like there's some celebrity nudes that come out people click just because they're curious well i so i learned yesterday i didn't know hope solo had a picture of her pussy out and apparently it's a bad pussy. Oh, that thing's destroyed.

Is that problematic? Is destruction the cause? Yeah, is it a cause of destruction? I'm not sure. It could be genetic. Have you seen it? I'm looking at it photoshopped onto the head of a bat. Okay.

Oh, wow. Yeah. But yeah, so so yeah it's it's i'd still cherish this thing by the way oh my god i would nurture it back to hell i'd be bottle feeding it like a rescue kitten yeah it'll be hissing at me in the corner of the cage like the the politzer photographer who uh nursed that african boy i don't know yeah yeah very long-winded metaphor i would reshape like pottery using my own saliva as a as a salt that pussy could save you dude if in my incel rom-com there's going to be a uh there's going to be a montage of like the guy like nursing a pussy back to health

like working out in one of those underwater treadmills it's lips um yeah let's see if these aren't good i don't know if we you you can continue uh the job but respect no pressure no pressure um do you want a green screen or you want to just do them up to you up to you guys green screener you're in a green shirt well that that'll fuck it up yeah then yeah let's do it okay okay perfect um do you want to pick where i start or should i just i i don't um what how how would i know where you to pick show you no i don't. What? How would I know where to pick? Show you. No, I don't want to know. Okay.

All right. Fine. I am very excited. This was fun to write. It's it's I'm afraid this is going to be unsustainable. No, I don't. I don't think so. No, no.

I think you guys will be fine. I think it's like fishing for survival. Like even if they're bad, you can make fun with it. Yeah. Right right i have a lot of fun with it thank god for quigs that edit was awesome oh yeah oh and you got some too right oh yeah fuck yeah yes yes take take the spot um before you do it yeah we're a three-eyed show boys hell yeah dude um Yeah, we're a three-eyed show, boys. Hell yeah, dude. I just showed you that picture of me naked, right? What did you see? It was a video of me naked.

What did you see? It was the picture, the image was too small, so I barely saw it. I could tell it was like a nude body. Portrait shot at your dick. The hair. The hair on my body. My hair yeah why i mean you were you using manscaped in five years ago i was paying and using manscaped five years they were still in their beta testing they are they were still in i was the 1.0 they're already at the 4.0 we're definitely beta testing but they just sent me over the lawnmower 4.0 and i used it felt great

hairless now frictionless environment down from my penis to my butthole um have you ever used like a you had to like hurry up and shave your balls and dick so you did like a quick job so it's almost like a ritual for me it's like i get my cup of cream and my badger brush and i and then i go to town yeah i've never had to hurry and rush my dick i mean uh rush rush rush my shaving no it doesn't work really have you tried? just utmost pain not with this it has no nick technology

most women's vaginas have that as well get 20% off free shipping with code anus at manscaped.com 20% off free shipping with code anus manscaped.com I always respect a company that lets us use anus as the promo code

no I actually do yeah yeah no it's they're like they're like a cool parent probably not a good parent yeah every kid that's had a cool parent has been a every cool parent was a a pedophile to an extent because the the uh what the qualifying factor of being a

cool parent is just partying with children right or letting children party and like in being into it dude i one of the cool parents that i was raised around obviously every cool parent gets divorced um fair it's the coolest thing that parent could do yeah here's two christmases kid you're the bet but anyway uh now the dad whenever i'm like in town he's like what's the move like ah dude that's what they were saying to 14 and 15 year olds yeah what's the move and they were like very like way too curious about drama going on yeah like what freshmen are they would almost get you drunk to like get and there were some teachers like that they were

a little bit too like they eavesdropped too hard dude no parent should know drama no at all no yeah there was the high school parents who were really into who was fucking who yeah they made that their like life. Yeah. Um, is this going to work? Oh, and you can take my seat if you'd like.

Okay. You ready? I think so. Kyle. Yeah. Well, I have a job if I, if I bomb.

Yes. No, I like you. I like you a lot. And our clips, our clips. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Here we go donald trump's mar-a-lago residence was raided by the fbi last week citing that passports and documents were stolen from his home trump commented that this isn't the first time a female black immigrant has broken into his predominantly white house. Kamala Harris commented saying, letting males inside to do the dirty work is always effective.

Is Kamala Harris an immigrant? No, her parents were. Okay, so yeah. No, no, no, no. I think that counts. Yeah, it counts. No, no, no. I think that counts. Yeah, it counts. Yeah, and the fact that we didn't know off the top is... Yeah. Take Kyle's.

Okay. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Let's do a single file line. Just take this. Connor, do your jokes. I'll hop out. You guys, by doing this, you're this. Connor, do your job. Just go. Okay.

Well, I'll hop out. You guys, by doing this, you're making it harder on Owen to edit. Got it. Okay. The movie franchise Predator released their newest film on Hulu titled Prey. The Predator in the movie was a large being wearing a helmet. The Prey in the movie was a Native American woman who was good with her hands. Shout out to Hulu for the quick

turnaround on the Deshaun Watson documentary. It's also funny that predators oftentimes are the ones that make you prey. Well, in my case. Shout out Catholics. Here we go.

Kim K recently broke up with Pete Davidson after a nine-month relationship which means pete will no longer appear on keeping up with the kardashians fortunately for pete this is the second time in his life a terrorist organization has given him material for his new stand-up special when asked if pete will miss Kim K's body sexually, he commented, you can never forget a good pair of twins. Oh, shit. Oh, fuck.

Oh, shit. This is fun. Hell yeah, dude. And I love the idea of a reporter being like, will you miss her sexually? So I understand you loved her, but will you miss fucking her pussy? This is kind of pissing me off we i spend all week doing

this this took me hours this took me like i just said it took me all week and then you just it took you hours i do this every day all right okay uh i got two more that's okay that's very okay okay connor mcgregor didn't crack the top 10 social media's earners list this year when asked to comment on brazilian soccer stars namar who clocked in at number five on the list he said the only n-word i use is knockout this is fuck and this one is for the boys fuck yeah ah fuck yeah i can see mayweather yeah no that's it's good i want yeah i wanted to do mayweather but he didn't clock in unfortunately yeah oh and it wasn't an end name oh oh yeah well or oh I see what you're saying. No, you were right. Just lie. Okay, next time. Floyd Mayweather.

Now I only think in words. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? So that was like, everybody does, but I know exactly what you were saying. Yeah. Yes. Like Floyd Mayweather. George Floyd Mayweather away.

I don't know. No, it's just how I think, and it's a problem. Okay, last one. The Biden administration cancels $3.9 billion in student debt for borrowers defrauded by ITT Tech. $3.9 billion

for ITT Tech? College really costs an arm and a leg. Oh, yes! At least soul surfer Bethanyilton would only have to pay half price oh shit um yeah i'm very excited we're so stoked to transition into more bethany hamilton content that's right we like to try things on here. We're a tripod, much like, uh, Bethany Hamilton has three.

Yeah. Um, fuck. Yeah, dude. Thank you. That was awesome. Thanks for having me,

boys. No, keep sitting. Well, no, Owen has to. Oh, and you can read this one.

Um, so another part, we're trying to build out this live show that we're doing uh connor came with the idea that the people that are coming to our show can bring their best news joke that they've written and they'll come up on stage and the crowd can critique as they will we can critique as we will uh and if you bring one you'll get to say it yeah i think it's an awesome idea and And this will be a little. And I am afraid of somebody getting on stage and treating it like it was KB's app. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. I feel like the guy who made it, like he worked tirelessly on it. He had to program. That's like literally speaking another language, writing it. He was like, I was. And I was like, dude, like, will you have it by tomorrow? He was like, yeah, I like work in like I work two jobs. And so I'm going to stay up all night doing this for you. And I was like, yeah, yeah. Great, great, great. Just let me know. So I think when I was a web

designer, the web design philosophy is you design for mobile first. You think of what it would look like on a cell phone and then what it would look like on a screen, uh, like a desktop because that 90% of, of browsing is done on the phone now i think when you're programming you almost have to design it n-word first where you have to like it's almost like baby proofing a house yeah where you have to soften all the r's um yeah but with he that was an it was an oversight put tennis balls on all the R's. DJ, we're cutting pool noodles on putting them on the R's. Yeah, wait. The Special Olympics guys get like...

I don't know. Wait. What you got? I don't know. Soften the R's. Like they get T's for baseball. I don't know. Soft is general.

Did you want me to read this last one you wrote? You can read it if you want uh the anus boys added a new member to their team he's a ginger what's next a black guy i was afraid you can hop on those odds in the barstool sports book yeah yeah uh link uh some promos down there i I just had one. A foreign... I'm gonna... No, you're good, you're good, you're good. You guys just riffed for like 10 or 20.

Yeah, I know the feeling. Yeah, I couldn't say FDA today. That is maybe the easiest thing to pronounce. A foreign viral clip showed a six-year-old prodigy beautifully playing Chopin's Waltz in c-sharp minor at an airport domestically michelle branch also made the news for smashing one of the black keys before taking off there it is that was damn good i was trying to think of a michelle branch joke yeah yeah i could not think of one i one of these days we're gonna all like have the same joke

i had to i'm a big michelle branch fan so are you she's incredible she's great she's like the tier below alana's no she's not i know she's like on the meredith brooks tier absolutely no she's not that i'm a bitch i'm a bitch couldn't let me have that the peaks might have been when i know the lyrics tenure goes to branch what does she have besides uh everywhere all you wanted what's how's that there's a few that are i'm gonna put branch as an as a one-hit wonder i always wanted a podcast actually yeah why don't you go with they're just banking off like one good side of the debate and just see how this goes? Be the coffee headphones all over again.

I don't want another coffee headphones because you somehow ended up winning that. Yeah, it was because I was right by so much. No. Yeah, I'm not doing this again. Yeah, we're not doing it again. Not doing this again. I want to.

All right, that is a new untold story. Connor, thank you. We'll be seeing you around. You're only in Philly, so you'll be back and forth. Follow him at Connor Mook. You can see it now, can't you? Yeah, I get it. Took me a second.

He's like, yeah, he's like Swedish show. It was with Beaker, the scientist. Who's this? Your cousin? I don't know the cast. Beaker, the scientist. You're like, oh, who's this? Your cousin? And Meeker's like, Beaker and Meeker. Was it Beaker and Meeker? I don't know. Oh, I thought that's what you just said.

I thought you were guessing the third. No, Beaker and his like smarter scientist. And then I think, yeah, you'd be like Beaker's cousin. I don't know. How do you know? Muppets was my favorite show. Yeah, you know too much. Muppets and the Bert and Ernie Muppets or Sesame Street?

They're both Jim Henson, I believe. Beaker and Bunsen? They're gay now. Bunsen and Honeydew. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew. Ernie's came out as gay. Bert's straight. Ernie's gay?

Yeah. We've been knowing. I was obsessed with the Muppets as a kid. I've talked about this. 90% of my wardrobe had Swedish Chef. That was my favorite Muppet. Really? And that's when I did that Dane Cook joke.

I've had that since probably ninth grade when Dane Cook was doing that. That was your best. But yeah, my parents had to get it custom printed because it was like nobody else wanted Swedish Chef merch. Yeah, that's hilarious. I loved him. I was obsessed. I actually found out I was autistic as a kid because my mom was on.

My mom called me a couple days ago and she was like, I was talking to Lisa, her friend, about who also cuts my hair at Friends, who just stole the Friends logo as their beauty shop. Shout out, Friends. We're high. We're high school. Yeah. the friends logo as their bar as their beauty shop um shout out friends uh we are high just we're high school yeah they just stole wisconsin's logo yeah it's just the wisconsin do you know how many people buy we're high merch like stoners because it's wisconsin's w we're high oh it yeah yeah it was so that was so ingrained in my head. Yeah. I'd never even thought of that. Yeah. Sick. I actually had a weird high golf guy reach out to me.

He's like, can I send you some merch? I was like, yeah. Yeah. That's weird. High golf. Fuck. Yeah. No.

She called me. She's like, I was telling Lisa, like, remember when you were like, it was like five to like when you were nine. And if every any time, like one of your socks had like a wrinkle in it in your shoe, you would just screech. I was like, oh, fuck. No, no. And yeah. And it still bothers me to this day like i can't fixate on anything else until i like flatten out my socks really i did the opposite i put scrunches in my scrunches in your socks dude yeah mine

aren't like i don't have any like sensory aversions like that i have to do the fucking rundown today and i'm wearing a pair of cropped pants for the first time. I'm nervous and shit. Cropped. Yeah, I bought it. It was a nice little crop. Oh, while you're standing. Oh, yeah.

Can you show what you're trying to do with your grandma tattoo? Oh, I bought self tanner, the darkest one, so I could blackface my grandma. And it just it started running. Oh, my gosh. And it's like I. Oh my gosh. And it's like I sprayed it right there and I rubbed it in. It kind of looks like Mother Teresa. Harriet Tubman. Yeah.

So far she could like play something in the Sicario universe. But let's get her on the Tyler Perry. She's at Guam right now. All right. No one told story 305. God bless. Next episode will be from Alaska. Yeah.

Dude, our, our, our episodes when we're not in the office, suck a dick. Right now we're going to switch it up this time. Yeah, no,

you still won't be able to hear it, but we are going to switch it up. Shit. Boom. That was a great one, boys. You want me to reject your reply to what I'm going to say? No, you're just going to say, no, that's a great one, boys. It's a fresh, big, untold story.

I'm new, I'm told.