A New Untold Story - A New Untold Story: Ep. 307 - Blue Raspberry Guys

Episode Date: September 1, 2022

Maybe we were all blue raspberry guys all along...You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, A New Untold Story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad-free on Amazon Music. It's a fresh, big, untold story. A new, untold story. You got the breathing, dude. Am i still doing it yeah but yeah and i tried to like find a silver lining it's funny they're like busting my balls for breathing poorly but that is literally the worst fault a human can have bad at breathing breathing it's like the only verb gerund that is synonymous with living and i can't do that you couldn't yeah dude 20s and like we get away with a lot like the the polyps are like super forgiving but like they it does they do start and rightfully so to get annoyed when we put out a

podcast you can't hear yeah and i understand that i get that i get that one and i'll take the blame on that one with it we get we get away with a lot how does that fucking happen every time we are so bad dude we're like uh like we're i like to think we're damn near baton we're our winning percentage at home is like 900 but away get how the tech is dude that you can interview people on the international space station and it's crystal clear i was about to get on a helicopter to experience the most breathtaking serene unforgettable and best experience a moment of my life and i like see the podcast was unlistenable and i'm like i guess it's fine like people still don't care yeah a podcast uh should you should be able to hear it yeah and i should

should be hyper focused on breathing no you shouldn't be hyper focused on breathing dude that's the exact opposite of what you should be i know this is something that i've been doing all my life ad nauseum something out something's go down outside sirens yeah um today it's episode 307 harbinger 308 three is it 307 no because 306 was saskatchewan's area code 307, Wyoming. Fuck. Oh, the whole state. The whole state. Cheyenne, Casper, Green River, Laramie, Cody, Wind River. Okay. What's the nickname of the state?

Yadot. Yadot. Cowboys. Or? That was Kendall Jenner. A quality state. Kendall Jenner was just there. In Wyoming?

Had a shirt that in Wyoming the Cowboys what is French I love I don't know well then what's Amour is that Italian love okay today's episode of course brought to you by the boys at game time

game time is a ticketing app makes it much easier to score last minute tickets and deals feels like a complete it feels like a scam start to finish which is a hard mental barrier to get over but once you do you're like i got a great you say from start to finish as if it's a long process it's picking up the game adding it to your no you'll experience the entire event at its best yeah and you'll still be like this is a scam like what's gonna happen i'm gonna leave this arena this venue yeah what what's happening am i going to come back is my house going to be robbed traffic to malaysia that's how good game time is that it's virtually impossible

for even like the smarter humans in the world to to to understand yeah yeah and you guys can use the app and use code untold at checkout for 20 dollars they reached out to us they were like please stop like equating us to like um like scalper fraud yeah yeah and i'm like i that's what you are to me so shout out to them big shout out to them uh i'll get them i'll figure out what they're doing eventually. Yeah. Complete. It has to be like felonious. We were talking two podcasts ago because, I mean, we could have been talking about it last podcast. You wouldn't have known.

The news has become damn near unsustainable. It's really fucking hard to do. No. Wednesdays shows that Wednesdays happen so often. And today's Tuesday. But yeah, for the sake. For the sake. Yeah. When Wednesdays happen a ton.

So often. And as soon as you put the episode out, you can't even like enjoy it. You've got to start again. And I'm not complaining. Not complaining. Not complaining. Not complaining. But I have fucking nothing.

OK, finally, because I have something. Yeah, what? Owen just let out a noise. What is that tuna or chicken salad, KB? Can you smell that? Are you sick? I think so. Tyler's just hopping.

We have a food catered, and... This is foul. Who would order this? Owen did, and he's... Oh, fuck. Oh, he's sick. Oh, jeez. What is this

i knew you had something but i it's wet let's get into the news kyle it has become unsustainable like uh shows that do a similar segment to this shows that have copied us uh that started 60 years before us um uh they have full teams of people so cut us some slack here yeah it's like yeah um it'll be worse could be worse harder could be could be easier ranking our favorite childhood snacks that would that'd be a mental burden yeah yeah weekly base i remember when we first started these i was like these fucking things right themselves nah these are uh no yeah the leaps and bounds and stretches i like made to get to the punch line are like almost you'll be fatigued you're gonna forget where i started by the time i get to the punch line all Okay. Justice Minister Mali plans to

make homosexuality a crime. When asked what gays in Mali should do before the law passes, the Justice Minister Kosogi said they should leave this country now. They should leave. They should leave. They should leave. They should leave. For somebody who hates

gay culture, he sure is obsessed with shoes. Shoe. for somebody who hates gay culture he sure is obsessed with shoes shoe see i'm straight i'm straight as fuck i personally hate it when tatas leave my mouth there we go bullets fly outside of new york city's iconic St. Patrick's Cathedral after a card game what the hell I thought only rock paper and scissors ended with shoot yeah see

I told you Julia Morrison ex-wife ex-girlfriend of Armie Hammer released a text that pushed her over the edge saying it was the reason she left army oh no i think i have this same one worded differently text forcing you to leave that's like when kyle sees a height requirement in line for a roller coaster misdirection dickhead that one yeah i got you. I did the latter.

Left Army. No, I'm kidding. Apple has announced they're removing old apps from the App Store unless they update within 30 days. One developer said she has had three of her games taken off the store in one day. Three app endages? had three of her games taken off the store in one day three appendages that reminds me of how you would describe hawaiian pro surfer bethany hamilton deaf actress rose ailing ellis said i'm disabled because I live and work in a world that disables me. It's empowering.

The deaf actress is on the rise right now. She is set to star in the BBC Doctor Who spinoff, Doctor What? That was my least believable joke I've ever made. I should have said she was starring in Nurse What? As an actress. Infant and toddler have been found abandoned in a southern Arizona desert.

Dangerous, but still not as dangerous as being found with an Arizona and dessert of Skittles. Oh no. I wrote it i actually spent like three plus hours trying to get like a zimmerman punchline really yeah i told connor i did a full trayvon violet beauregard parallel save that yeah Save that. Yeah. Lizzo claps back after being body shamed by Aries Spears.

The last time Lizzo attacked Spears, she beat Pat Buratelli, world record Vlasic pickle eater, who put down three pounds in six minutes. It's the last time she attacked some Spears. Aries is also the birth sign for those born in March. March is the speed we will have to walk to escape Lizzo's wrath. She can only saunter. Lizzo does win in the end. She is the best selling African-American artist since Destiny's Child. Best selling female African-American artist since Destiny's Child.

Lizzo says she sees a trio as an inspiration. She also sees trios when she stands on a scale as she weighs 1,000 pounds. One time. Aries career. He has no room to talk. His career is in limbo limbo's are probably the favorite cereal of that 14-foot tiger shark that devoured surfer bethany hamilton's left arm

boy i was it's tough it's tough to do early it's tough out here for the news It's tough to do early. It's tough out here for the news. Kyle, you have any? We only have half. We lost half of our green screen budget. You got to come over here. I can do that. We got Mook in studio as well.

He's been here. This is the first time we acknowledged him. We know he's been here, Kyle. I can only acknowledge him if it's like for a video sure yeah what do you got oh you were wearing these these just aren't on they aren't now i heard you no you didn't yeah i did not through the head we're adjacent to each other yeah it didn't work i heard you fine yeah i got i guess you're exactly right i don't know why i get nervous before you do yours oh my god i don't want you to embarrass me i guess

one good one we're good guess. One good one. We're good. You have one good one? I got one good breath and one good breath. Okay. Just one good breath. Yeah. Dude, people were genuinely concerned about you. No, and I am too by association, I guess.

You're worried about you by association? Yeah, secondhand. I saw people worrying about me. I'm like, yeah, if other people who don't know me are worried about my like like survival capabilities but you know you better than they do i don't know you're letting them sway you i've been trial and erroring my like life and internal organs for the past year what error have you hit what i can't read your fucking news we'll talk about it later my shit is like sticking to the porcelain not like it is it's not sticking it is molding to the porcelain and i went like out of my way to like

take like thick cloths to it and like try to scrape it off toilet brush the the my you wait you went and bought thick cloths as opposed to a toilet? No, like a paper towel instead of toilet paper. But why not? And I was like scrubbing it to the point where my fingernail was like pretty much touching the poop. And I was scraping. Buy a toilet brush. Yeah, no, I'll get to that. Did you get it off?

No, some of it. College football is back. That thank god yeah uh-huh a reason to live on the weekends sure yeah it's honestly true it's like a good vibe all around especially in like colder climates when it starts to get warmer or cooler yeah like an ideal temperature and you get to enjoy the saturdays like 10 times over because of the games yeah of course yeah yeah and I will get into betting once I get my money right the biggest game of the week and perhaps the whole season is of course fifth ranked Notre Dame taking on number two Ohio State but it seems like it's hard to call it that big of a game with the spread at 17 and a half points in favor of the Buckeyes. Oh, yeah.

Two versus five. That's insane. Yeah. Spread spread at 17 and a half. Oh, no. That's my favorite Seinfeld quote. The 17 and a half spread is what famed comedian and sitcom actor

Jerry Seinfeld calls birthday sex. It's a regional dialect thing. Yeah, yeah. In New York. It's a New York thing. Wake Forest minus 32

against a gutsy FCS contender in the VMI cadets. Oh yeah. Out of Lexington, Virginia. Mm hmm. I don't know much about either of these squads, but if I had to place a gutsy FCS contender in the VMI cadets. Oh, yeah. Out of Lexington, Virginia. Mm-hmm.

I don't know much about either of these squads, but if I had to place a pick, I would go off of their alma maters. VMI, Air Force General John P. Jumper. Never heard of him. Yeah. Marine Corps General Randolph McCall Pate. Couldn't tell you one thing he did.

No. Wake Forest, on the other hand, has a rich history of producing some of the biggest stars in all facets of sports. Arnold Palmer and Tim Duncan are both alums. Yeah. Muggsy Bowes was a Demon Deacon. Yeah. Chris Paul went to Wake Forest. Sure.

Logan Paul did the opposite. Although he claimed he attempted to Wake Forest, but had no luck despite how loud and obnoxious he was he didn't know a wake forest was an option it would have been a better bet on the barstool sports book yeah man a legendary in-state battle is happening this weekend in the land of lincoln with the eastern illinois panthers taking on the northern illinois huskies it's a classic fight between cats and dogs the gambling spread has the panthers as six point underdogs but the nutella spread has the Huskies as six foot underdogs. Oh, yeah.

God damn. This is what we're getting. This is it. This is the show now, man. This is what we've become. Oh, to be that,

if you think that took leaps this one with a story all right i gotta actually like prepare my breathing for that with one of the most dashing offenses in the NFL, the Kansas City Chiefs equipment staff is proposing the use of abbreviated or initialized names on some of their players jerseys, including Clyde Edwards, Hilaire, Hilaire, Marquez, Valdez, Valdez, Scantling and Juju Smith Schuster. They claim the proposition is simple and harmless. For example, the jerseys would read Clyde H. for Edward Zolaire, Marquez VS for Valdez Scantling, and for Smith-Schuster, the SS would just come after a couple Jews. What's the worst that could happen?

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Army to immediately start discharging vaccine refusers. An army discharge? Sounds like the stool of a 14-foot tiger shark after digesting the ulna of a teen surfer. Get that out of your way. Hamilton.

Some sour news coming out of the sweetest place on earth as the hershey company was forced to slice 15 of its global workforce which could mean over 2 000 jobs are in jeopardy a lot of unfortunate people had to update their linkedin pages but in a shocking and wholesome twist of fate, nearly 50% of them ended up getting higher paying jobs almost immediately after they took Hershey out of their bio. Fuck yeah.

That's it. Fuck yeah, dude. Swap. No, no, Mook needs to do some jobs oh man dude i mean you're a really smart guy master's degree yes yes well spoken educated and then like do you think your peak was a nutella joke okay so the betting is called a point spread. The exercise and the discipline and the stamina it took to complete that was disgusting. That Nutella spread.

Fuck yeah. All right, you got to give up your seat to Mook. I'll scoot over one. Is this mic on? Yeah. Cool. That's fine. I'm your seat to Mook. I'll scoot over one. Is this mic on? Yeah. Cool. That's fine. I'm not going to go anywhere. Welcome back, Mook.

Happy to be back. I've been getting a lot of DMs just saying mook mook. Good. And then also a lot of DMs asking girls to show Nick, you know, like questions. Girls asking me questions? Yeah, I sent you a couple like fan mails. Oh, yeah, yeah. None for a question. Yo, show Nick some questions.

Show Nick some questions. He's got to see this question. Not answer it. Just show it to him. He's got to see this question. Not answer it. Just show it to him. He would love to see it. Didn't phrase that one correctly. You've got to check out this question. Don't answer it.

No. News time? What? News time? I think so. We can get to it. We could. Yeah.

Go ahead. Are you still living in philadelphia yes despite having this role yes yes yeah we'll see how that works okay um this is a long one i had the same struggles as you guys oh yeah addison ray's mom sherry easterling 42 years old was seen kissing rapper Young Gravy, 26 years old, at the VMAs on Sunday. The internet went crazy about their age difference as they watched Gravy take down a much older woman. Another old person letting Gravy play with their heart? You'd think Sherry would have learned a lesson after Gravy played a large part in stopping Italian actor James Gandolfini's heartini's heart in 2013 that's gonna cut kyle no that is so true he was he was a legitimate glutton and he would

eat all of his meals on set as they were eating too much gravy i was trying you ate too much gravy way too much yeah i think that's what killed him okay i have another dead person one so i'll rip that yeah yeah yeah all right all right aaron rogers went on the joe rogan experience and told rogan he played nfl games on percocets a quarterback on percocets if only rapper juice world cut a quarterback on perks maybe he wouldn't have od'd oh fuck yeah there's fire two dead two dead two dead you got you you could we have a two dead one alive rule so the next joke is it a living yeah i feel like there has to be a sweet spot where they can't still be releasing songs posthumously which juice world is but fine with it i think okay This guy's definitely alive.

Or could be dead. Game of Thrones released their new series, House of the Dragon. The most recent episode depicted the king, Viserys, having to pick between marrying a 12 or 15-year-old. When reporters asked Viserys why he chose the 15-year-old over the 12-year-old, he said, Fuck 12, all gold cloaks are bastards that's good great show yeah you are from philly too i could tell yeah yeah i fucked up the fuck 12 was natural though yeah oh yeah fuck 12 on my homie say 12 bro yeah northeast side pretty much um i got one more i think one or two there's one really shaky one shaky one or the one that i think's better both shaky as in like offensive uh shaky physically and michael j fox yeah these

also wait is this mich Michael J? No, you're close though. We can't like, yeah, get to get all of them out. Cause it's like, that's what we're doing. Wait,

wait, wait, who else has Parkinson's? Just Michael J. Fox. No, no. Somebody,

Ozzy Osbourne does. I think that makes sense. I meant shaky physically. You'll see what I mean. Earthquake shaky physically. Yeah. So yeah, it works,

but it's not it. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Rams defensive star Aaron Donald came out swinging two helmets at Bengals players in a joint practice. When reporters asked head coach Sean McVay if the two helmet incident could potentially swing defensive player of the year and MVP voters, he commented, I haven't seen two things like that swing voters in the right direction

since Sidney Sweeney's MAGA titties. Topical. Topical. And last one. Season two of Surviving Barstool is back streaming on YouTube. Twelve personalities are competing to see who can survive Barstool. Surviving a Barstool? That's pussy shit. Try surviving a 14-foot tiger shark attack

like soul surfer Bethany Hamilton. Yeah. We had a meeting today with Kelly Martin, who books our guest, and we asked if we could get Bethany Hamilton. She said that would be a tough, tough get. She was surprisingly receptive of everything we said except for that.

Who did I proposition you proposition Joseph Gordon Levin no I used him as an example of the level of humor I want on this oh I thought I don't want clashing I don't want clashing comedians I want someone like yeah between like him and Chloe Grace Moretz

yeah she's completely unfunny. He's mid-range funny. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's good. Owen, do you have any? No.

Tyler had a video. Oh, you have a video? Right. Tyler has a lot to get off his chest. Oh, fuck. Yeah, he does. Is that safe for the put on? Here.

Mook, you can take the wheel-less chair over here if you want. Yeah. It's tough to sit in. Dude, I'm so glad to be back from that Alaska trip. Yes and no. But you can't even complain about it. No, I can't. It's the flight because like, you know, that bothers me so fucking much.

I was in. I was so calm there. I went to a therapist for flight anxiety and the dude was like, you need to get to the airport early. I was like, I do. He was like, well, not that early, but you need to go sit down. Don't drink and look for kids. I'm like, what? And he was like, you see parents bringing their kids there and you're like chemically the most protective thing you could be as a parent to a child.

And if they feel comfortable bringing their kid to an airport, like just don't just do it and so i like well i was prescribed to look at children which is decent advice yeah it is but like look at all these like toddlers who are fine they're perfectly fine so yeah like my counterpoint would be like they don't have the brain capabilities to understand any type of danger it's the parent really though so you see parents comfortable enough to bring kids there right yeah so uh i'm prescribed boy yeah oh deed i'll make sure i'll keep an eye on you make sure no you've been you've been stealing my prescription out of my cabinet dude no i have it dude no i fucking have it steal your prescription i don't even know where is it i don't even know where to look yeah you do what did it wasn't down uh yeah but i just want a parent to confront me just like no

no that'd be a good excuse yeah no one's ever prescribed your boy spacey's never used that i was like trying to think of like a pit pits minus seven against wvu like pit seven but pit was in seven i don't know yeah i could i couldn't it's like yeah just wasting my time and i'm like always reading them aloud in my head and i'm and people are looking at me i'm talking to myself in public the first time i read them aloud is here so that's always an issue because i have a lot of them that would probably work better unsaid not read completely just unsaid right yeah that's how it is oh oh sheesh um dude i uh i camped out at a mcdonald's brand new constructed to first 100 got free McDonald's for a year at WVU on the Evansdale campus me and my buddy Bradley Fields which the whole time in college he was Bradley

Fields and then when he graduated he told me his last name was Ellis and I was like why'd you tell me your last name was Fields he's like oh we're like so close like we're going i've got i was going to get free mcdonald's for a year freshman in college that's fucking awesome yeah um like three tents in front of us it's like the mcdonald's opens up and just like it was like a clown car of tents and just like 30 people walked out of this little tent and we were like one 60th that's bullshit what are they up to well i mean it was just mcdonald's for a year probably fine if i won free mcdonald's for a year i don't think i'd eat at mcdonald's more the same amount i mean yeah not like no like poverty shaming but i'm gonna eat generally what I want to eat. Sure.

Sans like the most expensive dish. Like I would, I would put, I would help take care of my boys. I would take you out whenever you want. Yeah. Yeah. We're really struggling for like topics. My notes just has the divot on my, above my lip has just been sweating a lot. I've noticed that.

Have you actually? i was in your nose did you have any like bullet points to go off of that like a potential punch line no dude look i just have no that last line like we don't have to joke about doctor prescribed looking at boys doctor prescribed looking at boys divot between lip sweat those are the two things i've talked about on this podcast you didn't break them up properly i don't they're broken up by episode divot okay but like usually i have about a paragraph of things that i like to talk about the philtrum i think it's called the philtrum but i'm glad i have one because if you don't that's incest yeah big sign of fetal alcohol syndrome oh yeah and yours yours is shallow no

diving in any hair no i don't either why why don't, you don't either. But it's filled with sweat. I don't know why. As soon as I turn 30, this and... What else should I be prepared for? Yeah, it's sneaking up on you. I have heartburn all the time. Aside from like the... I have like four Pepsids a day.

I don't have heartburn. Dude, if I can meet the inventor of Pepsid, I will suck his dick. Or if it was invented by a woman, I'll suck her husband's dick pepsi yeah well that's pretty it's over the counter you don't really it's not something you have to look up I don't think you're going to go to the wikipedia for pepsi it wasn't a yeah no but now it's nothing's changed other than my upper lip feel it damp always you feel it and then to touch my oh yeah it's always and like i walked home from work like three mile walk dry dry dry dripping i don't fucking know yeah that would like concern me i'm pissed yeah it's so fine with any symptom unless it's completely unfamiliar then i freak out even

if it's completely mundane like that they should freak out i'm freaking out about it i would rather pat i would rather pass blood than have this because past blood that happens to everybody yeah yeah no if anybody is like a doctor or something can reach out. Mook, you went to a card show. I was super fucking jealous. Do you have a mic? Yeah, be careful. I do now. Yeah, I went to a card show.

Did you get a trading card? Yeah, I got a present for Nick. I bought some cards myself. And yeah, it's fun. You guys got to come to one one time. I would love to. We should do a video. That's one of the things I do get the appeal of it.

Card collecting? Even Pokemon? Yeah, it seems It's hard collecting. Even Pokemon. Yeah, it seems fun. Yeah, I think so. I mean, it does lose the fun when like you can just buy whatever card you want. You know, whenever I look at like one of the holographic Pokemon cards, I that like thrill holds up. There's a gloom.

Second favorite Pokemon. Come faced gloom. Not come faced for Nikki over here. It's a second favorite. Second favorite Pokemon. I asked really. What's it called? Gloom. gloom. Second favorite Pokemon. Come faced gloom. Not come face for Nikki over here. It's a second favorite. Second favorite Pokemon. I asked him. What's it called? Gloom.

Gloom. And that's it. Well, it looks like it's. Yeah, it's not. It's it uses it. It's a it's it's it uses for fertilizer. OK, but I asked Nick for his top five Pokemon and he sent me a tier list that is gigantic. Every single Pokemon.

You've done this. Yeah. Oh, oh yeah for your own fun yeah so some i i tweeted it at big cat too because they ranked the pokemon on the yak and i was actually kind of embarrassed afterwards i should have been embarrassed before but uh some dude dme no yeah he dme was like dude where can i watch the video of you tearing this and i was like it was just it was just for me and it took hours as pathetic as it would be to do a video of you tearing hundreds of pokemon yeah it's more pathetic to do it for your own enjoyment yep yeah this okay how about i get it was that about an eight yeah so that's that i don't give a fuck. Oh, it's a mint nine. It's a mint nine. What makes a card mint? So it's centering, it's edges, it's the art, it goes into a lot.

And this is a PSA slab, which they're a lot pickier with grading. So you can scan that and the information on it will come up. It'll tell you there's only 17. Connor, thank you. This is fucking awesome. Does it earn mint status or have they always been mint? Get me out of here. This is fucking awesome. Does it earn mint status or have they always been mints? Get me out of here.

I made this plastic sleeve. I could see him being like a flat inanimate object. Dude, I could see him getting stuck in like, you know, Winnie the Pooh's house just has those circle windows. Ben Mintz will get his hand stuck in a jar of honey by the time he is done with barstool he's built for that oh yeah it's been in here mince there's a jar of honey on your oh i know now i want that like i want his yeah fist and honey we got we just got to start putting pots of honey around dude you see me just keep fucking rubbing my div lip divot It is driving me fucking insane. Your lip divot is. This is so sick.

Your lip divot is slightly out of the ordinary. I can't breathe. Dude, I don't know. Like there is like auditory footage of me dying. I was pissed at you for ruining my show. But now I'm like, oh, but Kyle is like struggling to do what people do, what babies do, what newborns do without any. You don't have to be taught.

You don't. It's I forgetting how to walk is more understandable. I was in a location that doesn't even have an address because it's so secluded and remote in Alaska. And I was like karate. I was I don't know. I was having a fit over like, cause I have no one to blame. Yeah. That's what makes me the most mad when like my headphones get tangled to a point of, uh,

I don't, I don't know who's to blame. I'm looking at my diagnosis. Who's to blame for the audio issues? It's probably me, right? For your breathing? Well, like, you always find... Not who, but what's to blame? Because how does it happen every time?

And every time we go in with a different plan, like, we got it, and then it... We're good, we're good, we're good. You guys don't go in with a different plan. You guys... Fasoli laughs at you every time. It's the same way. There's not a different plan. Keep a close mouth. There hasn't been a different plan you guys fasoli laughs you every time it's the same way there's not a different plan keep a close mouth plan dude we did a um we did like a man on the street at the

alaska state fair interviewing this woman that submitted like the alaska's largest bean which was like this big she was the only person that submitted it was a small bean that was alaska's largest bean but uh we were doing a back and forth interview with her and kyle just wasn't moving it was it was the worst i'm excited to review the game tape on that one i think we're gonna do like a madden breakdown of like you you're you're you're you're so quick to point out any not just mine anyone's flaws no i'm not errors flubs but this was like it's your favorite thing to be the first one to point out someone's flaw this obviously i got down with the interview and i always i knew it was cumbersome to pass the mic and i knew i was wasn't doing a great job and after that i was like this is my job like i'm like i hold that in high regard and immediately

you are the worst mic passer i said let's review that tape that'll be fun but i thought of it content first you just provide more content and I'm appreciative. You're not, you don't fuck up a lot. You have a spreadsheet, don't you? Of your fuck ups? You have a spreadsheet of all of my like, every single one of. Don't, I look up to you. Metaphorically.

You're stout. That would be literally. I don't look up to you literally. I don't look up to you literally. I don't look up to you literally. Looking up literally would be doing this with your head. Right. So that would be a height thing. Metaphorically.

I would look, I metaphorically look up to you. What? What? I think you're wrong there. No, I'm not. Metaphorically would be you. I don't know.

Well, literally looking up to you would be what you're doing via the height difference no i'd be looking down oh damn dude um i don't that's making the spreadsheet how about you do an ad on hello fresh for us that we have to read yeah you have a packed schedule this fall. HelloFresh makes it his meals covered and the weekly selection of 30 recipes and 70 plus convenience items. I like the

the gourd soup. I've always liked the gourd, the summer nut squash. Thank you. Et cetera, et cetera, yada, yada, yada. That's right. But you are a disgusting

piece of shit. A, if you, if you order all your meals. Yeah. Not just like, it's like stupid, like monetarily.

You are disgusting to wait on a delivery driver. Yeah. Or bicyclist to deliver every one of your meals. You are repulsive. Have you ever gotten a door dash guy that walked? Yeah. Yeah, often. I do it every day. I use like DoorDash and Seamless.

And you get a walker? Uh-huh. Go to HelloFresh.com slash story16. Use code story16 for 16 free meals across seven boxes, three free gifts. HelloFresh.com story16. It's the fall. Like the best meals are during the fall. Dude.

They have the seasonal packages. The first result for lip divot sweating. Menopause. God damn it. Wait a minute. Or HIV. So fingers crossed for for menopause. Fuck, dude.

This is scary. Antidepressants, painkillers. Well, I'm looking up symptoms for my issues and you're breathing it says death can't breathe death so yeah death versus a thing that you can't genetically achieve yeah okay i need they said put deodorant on the face please do that just in case just gotta you gotta it would honestly smell good too people should just deodorize their upper entire body yeah or yeah sure yeah not a bad idea um what else is going on friend i was thinking about we're struggling to write these news jokes. Yeah. I was thinking about a content video we did.

At the time, I think we thought it was funny, creative, clever. Looking back, it was the worst. What was it? Can you guess? Clever and funny. I haven't watched it back. This is not. I think we thought it was at the time but this is uh abhorrent the pork off that's a good one that was bad we'll get to that it's similar era maybe a couple weeks before that or a week

a bad video that was a live stream no it wasn't the snake video oh uh thanks for the boys no it was the bob off oh yeah dude that was like the first week of covid and we had a bob a bobbing for apples competition yeah and i had covid at the time i didn't know and i gave it or was i gave it to you because we just bobbed for apples we put a what was it we had a competition who could bob for apples and whoever got the most apples no we put a variety of produce there yeah some vegetables it was bad it was bad but we were so it was like there was nothing i was like brand new at barstool um we were just trying we were trying to solidify ourselves as a duo yeah maybe it wasn't bad so we had the bob off and then the loser had to do a puzzle with tongs that's funny in a oven mitt yeah no that was okay we used to do live streams for like six hours

like blackout drunk and just would have guys go live with us and just show us their ankles that was a good thing do we have the footage no dude it's gone i'm fine with dude and just like we like we were kind of acting like radio hosts that like wouldn't get to the point like you know when people call in or like hey man how are you yeah good good what do you want what do you want uh we were just like go live when they're like hey guys and we're like ankle ankle ankle and they would just show up and then they we boot them we did that for like six hours six hours we were trying so hard because like all the rage like at the beginning of covid was like going live um we're like uh lights camera barstool was doing live like watch alongs everyone was trying everything

yeah and that was like the formation of the dozen and uh fictional debates anus. But like, yeah, the one live we tried to do is we've, we've talked about it before. Snake Sunday, or it was, it was close to the 4th of July. We went up to Walmart and bought a bunch of snakes, like the things that you light. They turned to like,

like black, black dicks. Yeah. And we went out to the baseball field. Cause you know, you don't want to start up forest fire with snakes and we're trying to light them live. And we went out to the baseball field because, you know, you don't want to start a forest fire with snakes. And we're trying to light them live. And we were like, I made a graphic for Snake Sunday and we just couldn't get it to light.

It was Saturday. We didn't light it. I kept on and we realized it was fucking Saturday at the end of it. Snake Sunday. There is footage somewhere. If anybody has footage of Snake Sunday, that was God. Yeah, we had a lot of misses. But like everybody was just throwing so much shit out so quickly and people were so we we started doing content at the right time because

we were allowed to be bad because people were so everyone yeah it was just like people like putting a picture of like an ice cream truck and you're like one one ice cream snack has to go yeah that was like the content of the day everyone was debating it would like trend yeah and then we were like the yak was like our thing and then like we weren't on it we just weren't on it for three months and then people would just be like i miss those fucking days just like yeah yeah people and that was like i was like okay i'm off the act temporarily and then everyone was like these are the best yaks ever. Big cat and row, which is, they were good. They were good.

They're great. But it was just like, so what's my value? Yep. You, me and you. Right. And dude, like I, like I said,

I had just started at Barstool, so it was crazy. I like, I had nothing. I didn't know anybody. Better or worse. Probably worse, dude. When you want to integrate yourself. Yeah.

I like just got the job here and I was like, oh, fuck yeah, I'm on the yak. And then I got. I was looking through pictures and I saw a selfie that I took of me and you at like the Palace of Gold. Yeah, dude. We look like vastly different humans. For real?

Like in a better way? Or we. I just look fat as fuck. You were fat as fuck on one of the Decembering. This is insane. But you look like a like a. Look at this. I just look fat as fuck. You were fat as fuck on one of the December lowering the bars. But you look like a... Look at this.

That just looks like me. You look fat as fuck. I do look fat as fuck. Oh my god, dude. That's not what you look like. Yeah, I was shocked. And the worst part is, at the time, I had no idea. You look horrible.

I took that picture of myself and saved it and i was like yeah this is a funny picture of me and nick i had no idea i looked that is a dude this doesn't even look that is a send this so we can put it up oh my god it's not just fat it's like it's fat it's like fat and like almost what's your passcode oh um yeah i'll text it holy shit dude yeah that was dude that you this is disgusting i don't even like feel any like positive emotion about like defeating that i just that's no that you should the fact that that was me ever is just more than enough reason for me to hate myself you look really good now but like i didn't i always but like if i look back that you're right now is how i picture it i'm just like every time

i look at it i find a different like i'm not just your nose is super wide my nose is skewed like my eyes are off centered like my bottom lip is just so chapped and i remember at the time i never like i would look in the mirror i would use the bathroom three times a day plus and i remember at the time i never like i would look in the mail i would use the bathroom three times a day plus and i never was like yeah that's a problem you would have like three tall twisted teas for breakfast yeah i didn't know like what calories were you went yeah when did vanity strike you um it was more like a health like oh i want to i don't want to feel miserable were you feeling miserable i was and i didn't realize how so until i got a little bit healthier that is the most that does not look like you that looks like me i think you no it doesn. You look like a kid, like a weird kid.

How was quarantine for you? Oh, yeah. What were you doing at the time? At the time, I was working like 12 hours a day for an accounting firm, and then I would just smoke weed at night. And then this one night, I smoked so much that I convinced myself that I had autism. And then I quit weed, and that was my quarantine quitting pot what did that involve? just not doing it

playing Fortnite without weed and then my quarantine was not being Muslim that just took up the whole quarantine woke up sunrise to sunset I wish I liked video games enough for it to like pass the time i was so fucking bored on this past saturday and i didn't want to go out because i had

a pimple on my nose um tea tree oil kind of put it down a little bit but it has an odor um but i was so fucking bored i just took four advil PMs and just went to bed because I don't really like weed. I hate that feeling. Just being bored. So, you know, like the Advil PM feeling. I do, too. Yeah, I do, too, because I was scared. I was just like, what?

What's I fell asleep too hard. Oh, what happened last night? Did I fucking sleep? What the fuck happened? why am i so refreshed get ghosted by a date yeah yeah i was actually i was gonna bring that up it was it was hard to even read recently it was like the quintessential it it happened last sunday or Monday. I forget when I tweeted it out, but I basically got a text from a girl after I followed up with her saying, let's get drinks. She said, hi, I know this is awkward. What do you mean followed up? Did you already get do something with her?

Yeah. We hung out all Saturday night. Like she was like, take me out for sushi. She took you out for sushi. No, no, no. We were at a bar. Okay. So I'm at a bar with my friends. How'd you meet her? At this bar? At the bar the bar okay it was like a friend of a friend oh you met her at okay met her at the bar we're talking all night she's like yeah you can take me out right so i follow up that monday or tuesday and she hits me with hi i know this is awkward of me to say but i had a ton of fun saturday but don't really see something more than friendship between us that's a girl who gets off on doing that yes yes because she did not have to say that no it sounds like it was a drunken conversation where you guys agreed to hang out again yeah it was well we spent like four hours together are you saying that as if it was a lot or a little

a lot oh i felt like it was a long we kind of i don't know did you drink did i what did you click yeah we clicked yeah she was like very proper i was what do you mean proper i don't have like those long gloves on dude exactly she was smoking the longest fucking cigarette i don't know but i do have i have a follow-up um because this isn't the first you're making this sound like a doctor's appointment. She sent that to you. You tweeted it. Does she know, like, your social media? I don't think she saw the tweet.

Okay. She probably did. A lot of my best content comes from that kind of pain. Yeah, definitely. Yes, it's true. So I needed help because I've been friend-zoned by too many girls at this point. So I reached out to someone, and I would like to let you guys know and you guys can help with this.

So I sent an email. Oh, boy. Wrong. Email. Dear Mr. Nadeau. No way. Right. Right.

I only care about four things in this world. Beer, pussy, comedy and podcasting. I'm having issues. Weird you just didn't lump that in with world. Beer, pussy, comedy, and podcasting. I'm having issues, though. Weird you just didn't lump that in with comedy. Yes. Appreciate it. Well, they're two separate things. You're right.

Yeah. Get to know. And I said, the pussy part is missing, not by choice, as at times I find myself nuclear horny. The problem, you ask, I keep getting my bitch taken. It happens over and over again. Whether it's at the bar by a guy named derrick wearing kith or some dude named jeff who's in her spin class or by my

roommate michael who's boning becca behind my back for two months now while i finish episodes of the great british bake off i've lost four and a half bitches this year alone i metaphorically can't find them they've been taken taken Liam Neeson style. My questions for you. Number one, how do I keep a bitch? Number two, how do I prevent other dudes from taking my pussy?

Number three, when your bitch is taken, what can you do to recover? Please, Jeff, you are my only hope. There's no way he did not respond to this. He responded 25 minutes later.

In email time, that's instantaneous. In email, yes. He responded 25 minutes later. In email time, that's instantaneous. In email, yes. And here's his reply. Does he, do you know each other? No. I sent it from like a burner email, like an old email.

He's respect. So, yeah. So he said, well, from this email, I can tell you are a total simp. Oh, no way. He's the man. Yeah.

I'd have been left that broad and moved on to her friend and made sure she knew. Clearly, she isn't loyal to you and lacks respect for you. You also seem to lack confidence. Walk into your favorite spot with your head high, fresh to death in clothes and confidence. Don't act weird. Be subtle and kind and charming. Women love that. Don't take no shit.

You keep a chick through communication, maturity, and with your wallet and your tongue, bro. Pretty simple. You got this. Jeff. That's really nice of him. That was kind of wholesome. Yeah, it was super wholesome. He's a man. Yeah. I always thought that about him. But yeah, I love him more. Yeah, no, he's a great guy. The fact that he would answer

like a random random. That's kind of good advice, too. It was good advice. Well, with your tongue and your wallet, bro. Yeah. Yes, yes. I don't need pussy. Just don't confuse him. She'll get Velcro burns on her pussy. But I was going to see if you guys wanted to respond to Jeff. It's up to you, though.

No, that's you. That's all I'm asking. I want you to keep this going and have an update every week. No, I think he's going to find out about it now. Will he, though? Yes. Is he going to come for come for i don't know he's not gonna come for you because this is a true story all right yeah just don't don't tell him we did this and connor this is also not like we're not pranking jeff this is it's also real it is yeah it's legitimately real yeah so yeah

you want his advice yeah yeah and it won his advice. Yeah. Yeah. And it was good advice. So good on him. That might be some content ideas for him when he starts here. You should. Yeah. Relationship. You should text Dave Portnoy.

I have his number. Honestly, Kyle. Yeah. I'm so jealous of Rudy was live streaming. Rudy has a really good live stream. He one of his like tears of like subscribers. He text Dave for a raise. And I was like, I wish I could do that because I, you know, I make the joke.

I've never spoken to Dave. I'm not joke. I make the serious that I've never spoken to Dave and I don't have his phone number. And you do. I do. And I kind of want you to text him right now. I want you to send him a meme. Like what?

I don't want it to be too. I don't want it to be too. I don't want it to be too ridiculous, like an old me. No, not like something. I want it to be semi. Dallas Cowboy fan starter pack. Just be like, ha ha. Reminded me. Ha ha.

Thought. Think you'd like that. Thought you'd like this. Don't do it. Are you going to wait thought you'd like this. Don't do it. Are you going to wait while you find it? Speaking of football, I don't know how to do this segue. Your favorite team is sometimes losing and then sometimes they come back and win. The greatest comeback being the Patriots coming back against the Falcons.

Until now, there's a greater comeback. Today's episode brought to you by BetterHelp. We gotta grab them. We nap them. Oh yeah. Oh my god.

Let's go. Now this is a mental health app. That's right. this is a mental mental health that's right can be tough to train your pulmonary health i now i'm like hearing myself breathe don't ignorance is bliss don't fucking mention it it'll help you find your own solutions it's uh gives you a better feeling a therapist can help you become a better problem solver making it easier to accomplish your goals no matter how big or how small uh you know, I use BetterHelp to find the doctor that prescribed me boys. Now, do they have a review option? Because leave them a five-star review.

Thanks for helping me discover my prescription of little boys. Yeah, I will say that. It's convenient, accessible, affordable, and entirely online. Get matched with a therapist after filling out a brief survey. And guys... That's actually dope because my only issue with going to a therapist is having to see them physically. Yep. So this is a good option.

I wouldn't tell them shit. But over the phone, I'll do it. When you want to be a better problem solver therapy can help you get there visit betterhelp.com slash new i don't think anybody's used promo code new with us before any w uh any w 10 off your first month better help.com slash new let's go do you find the cowboys it is i remember this is actually like the best starter pack like the most accurate the cowboys starter pack dude my lip is like i don't know what i don't know if it's i'm touching it or maybe i'm finally growing hair in between i'm going i'm

driving you're still thinking about going insane i can't breathe i can't stress that one enough you most people like in like would one up their co-host you were like 50 downing me you should come out with oh yeah you can't yeah, you can't breathe? One small part of me is a little damp. Like the most insignificant, inconsequential part of the human body ever. Yeah. T-shirts, Kyle. Yeah.

Dude, we were supposed to have Beauregard sweatshirts. They were going to be purple, and it would be stitched and say Beauregard. We tweeted the design. You tweeted it, Owen. You made it, and it looks sick stitched and you tweeted it oh and you made it and it looks sick well no it was like there was another one we wanted like stitched like college style sweatshirts stitched letters they're like the boy dad hoodies like those are cool like stitched letters they sat back they're like yeah it looks good but we can't do purple

they said that's a gray sweatshirt that says Beauregard. Jesus. So we're not putting those out. They don't, yeah. Yes. What's that Heather Gray Beauregard shirt you're wearing? Oh, you know, like the chick from... Yeah, it's not even... But then they also, like, I wanted it to be across the chest. And they're like, oh, the boy dad ones took a long time.

We can do this. And It just said Beauregard stitched three inches long. Yeah. I saw it. It's bad. It's horrible. It's bad. It is so bad. We need to start putting out good looking merch. I want to do a news logo

merch. Yeah. That would be cool. Are you doing it? Are you going to text Dave? The Cowboys started back as kind of funny. It's like the guy with the stupid fade haircut, the long jean shorts, the team Jordans,

and the off-brand, cheap Ezekiel Elliott shorts. Dave would like it. Fuck. He hates the Cowboys. just kind don't think so not a rival no of the patriots no no i think he's just like i think you should just be like football season's coming up just be like thought you'd want to see this with football season this is like there's gonna be no payout because like he's gonna text me maybe in like maybe in

like two hours just like a question mark yeah okay i'm doing it the end of the episode since yeah we're doing this on a tuesday this comes out on thursday maybe we'll get a response in time but it'll go right there and if those for the people listening i guess you're just gonna have to go to the YouTube, YouTube 26,000 subs. If we get it to 50, uh, as soon as we hit 50,

the first 20 DMS to me on Instagram, we'll get KB's phone number. I still get texts every day. So do I. So do I. I don't mind it, I guess. Uh,

I do. So it's stop, I guess. I do. Stop, I guess. It's kind of fun. This is unbelievable. My lip is pouring sweat in this divot. Shut the fuck up. Seriously, shut the fuck up. It's so bothersome.

No, it's not. Yes. No. Is it red? It is kind of red. Is it really? Like, concerningly red. Shut up.

For real? Fran called me disgusting. Yeah, she did. Somebody just sent us a podcast clip. Oh, I didn't just think of that abruptly or out of the blue. Like, I've been thinking about this for a while. Non-stop. Somebody just sent us a podcast clip from Chicks in the Office.

And it's Rhea out of nowhere just going, you're sousted by kyle bauer and fran just like giggles and yeah like i hey i'm like ria i'm cool with her like she was she was saying that as a joke oh yeah fran's response she was stern she was completely serious she just laughed that one laughed thatughed that one. Not even off. She's like laughed in agreeance. You're so disgusted by Kyle Bauer. Yeah. Wait, I got it. Oh, I got it. Yeah, I do too.

You are so disgusted by Kyle Bauer that it is showing. She's just like, she's like, got me. What are you doing you are so disgusted by Kyle Bauer that it is showing so disgusted by Kyle Bauer that it is so disgusted by Kyle Bauer that it is like 13 different variations of a like a

edit video of that we're starting to get clips of our last video from our two-week trip with donnie the rediscovering america the buffalo of no beef like she said i she like prefaced that by saying i kind of resembled a bachelor yeah so i'm not mad about this that's great yeah no the laugh was a little bit first of trent also like kind of like you really zoomed in on everybody's everyone's everyone's cues and i was like uh i talked to her about it today she came out i was like what's up fran and uh i was like kyle's pretty mad you called him disgusting or you agreed that he was

disgusting and you're like yeah i just walked away yeah my mom texted me about it was like does your mom listen to chicks in the office I don't know what she does but she has her finger on the pulse dude but we're starting to get clips of rediscovering America from Buffalo and we're so fucking exhausted by this time

it's two weeks filming 12 hours a day staying in shit ass hotels and I don't remember any of it but a clip from the jello museum we went to the jello museum spoiler and uh this old woman's giving us a tour we go to the wall where bill cosby used to be it's just a perfect like it's like unpainted it's a perfect shape of bill cosby on the wall and she was like we don't talk about this corner but she was trying to like change the subject by asking our favorite flavor of jello and you you answered

blue raspberry but in the weirdest way possible i don't even remember i remember my answer was blue raspberry it sure was but this was the response so what's your favorite flavor i'm a blue raspberry guy dude we're on day 12 episode 3 of this fucking series they're like and i'm like i wake up at like 7 a.m they're like i'm like what do we have to do today because i don't i don't look at the itinerary they're like we're going to the jello museum i'm like i'm gonna put in that much effort i'm gonna put in jello museum. So I'm just in there just... I'm a blue raspberry guy. I was in there spurging out. I had no idea.

I'm a blue raspberry guy. I was like, how can I make a Jell-O funny? And I was like, I should say blue raspberry weird. So I think if they're down, should we change the name of Polyps to Blue Raspberry Guys? Yeah. I like that as fan names. And also that's not even a joke. Just be like, you listen to Anus?

I'm a blue raspberry. I'm a blue raspberry guy. I just have that itch. We were laughing. That kill. That crushed. All i did was say something in a funny voice that is like the surface level humor of a literal newborn infant

like something he would he would like coo funny and then like giggle that's what i did and everyone just cracking up like this is your best shit yeah so i think polyps are now blue raspberry guys if you guys are down you can change it around but Like this is your best shit. Yeah. So I think polyps are now blue raspberry guys. If you guys are down, you can change it around. But in the time I was so fucking exhausted, just like he's a blue. He's fucking blue raspberry. Yeah. Oh, man. But that'll be coming out soon.

Connor, what do you got coming up? I know all the boys have the Anus live show coming up. Oh, yeah. We do. Dude, we're going to be fucking exhausted for that. He's going to be in blue raspberry mode because we get back from New Orleans. I'll be good. We land in Philly, have a live dozen, train from Philly to Boston.

Same day? I'll prioritize the live show. Philly's the fourth. Live show's the fifth. Gotcha. same day i'll prioritize philly's the fourth live show is the fifth how what do you think the news submissions will be like from the blue raspberry guys say it right blue raspberry guys i don't think that was right see that's the thing we fucking stay up all night writing these awful news jokes and then you could just do that yeah yeah um some of them like keep sending them because we will eventually do

something but i want them but it's harder i want to hear your uh delivery of it you know i think that's important i can also see like that not working sure i could see us getting there and expecting 30 minutes of submitted news jokes and have nothing. Yeah, we'll figure it out. Could work out badly, but we will have a barrel of tomatoes. Yeah. So see how that goes, too. All right. No one told story 307.

Thank you, guys. I'm a blue raspberry guy.