A New Untold Story - A New Untold Story: Ep. 309 - A Blind Man and His Snapple

Episode Date: September 15, 2022

KB can't see anymore, we reveal the contents of the lost episode, Mook is back in studio, and the fellas were getting some jokes off for the Blue Raspberry Guys across the globe. ADS: Felix Gray Check out Felix Gray Glasses at felixgrayglasses.com/story Gametime Download the Gametime app at https://barstool.link/GametimeApp and redeem code UNTOLD for $20 off your first purchase (terms apply). Raycon Go to buyraycon.com and get 15% off with code UNTOLD15You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, A New Untold Story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad-free on Amazon Music. a new untold story it's a fresh big untold story a new untold story that was damn good. A new untold story, 310. Area code? 310, Tiuma.

But I'm guessing it was coming from the west, so Southern California, I would assume. You fucking dickhead. You're acting like you know. You Googled it. What is it? Is it San Diego? Oh, LA. I was thinking maybe San Diego. You guys may notice I am not wearing my headphones today is it a yugioh card as your background yeah it's a

man-eater bug it's the card man-eater bug is my backgrounds how the fuck did you know whoa my background's a man-eater bug so if my phone's ever face down and somebody looks it's it's a flip effect and it destroys the monster when it's flipped face up. So I thought it was pretty sick. Glad you noticed that. You didn't even try. I noticed that on my own. I left you out.

You weren't trying to plant that. That's just what you had. Big change today, other than the green screen being just attached to our chairs making my posture an acute angle um i'm not wearing the headphones on the podcast today um that's because you know i wear like bow's headphones all the time on like my walks into work but i'm also a hat guy and the button like the headphones pushing on the button of my hat. It hurts your scalp. I have a perfect bald circle on the top of my head. It's like, it's like alopecia-esque smooth and I don't know what the fuck to do. And I don't know if I should show it at all. Earbuds, AirPods, no hat, a lot of options.

No, but it's already just gone. It's like, you know, like when you wear tight pants and it like rubs the hair away? Yeah. It's just perfectly like... This can't be true. It's like a penny-sized, a dime-sized fucking pole on top of my head. But I don't really want to... I don't know if I should...

That's why I accepted shiny bald on the yak. I was like, I already have this. It's going to take a year to build. I haven't. That'll be terrible. What? Oh, the shiny bald? Shiny.

One of us will get it it will be one of the two of us yeah i'm hoping you i love you to death but i god i hope it's you or owen oh yeah owen yeah let's just agree oh all right deal it will be it'll be one of us three i can guarantee that i would put a future on it do you want to see a bet do you want to see the balls yeah i don't want to show it's want to show. It's embarrassing a little bit. It's not embarrassing. It's embarrassing a little bit. Don't. Don't.

Fine. Fuck it. So easy. Is the balls ball a lie? That's what an absurd thing to complain about. But it's something you would do. People are actually balls people are actually so easy i was about to offer you finasteride

you are on that uh different story it's a balding no it's the same no that's a different story i'm not going to get into that yet okay let's get into the news so 310 i'm different story i'm not going to get into that yet okay let's get into the news so 310 i'm i was waiting for like the music i guess that's that's done in post i was like getting pissed at you guys what the fuck the nfl is back baby with week one coming to a close there's plenty of storylines already chargers receiver keenan allen left the game with hamstring cramping. He said he needs to stretch to be more limber.

You know who else needs to be more limber? Pro surfer Bethany Hamilton, who had her arm ripped off by a 14-foot tiger shark. You could tell how tired I am of these by the order in which they come out. I just got that out of the way. Still on the NFL, the Chiefs demolished the Cardinals this Sunday. It's wild. We found out immediately.

Usually Casey informs people of a killing 31 days after it happens. All right. Cool. I'll tone it down. Gino Smith spoiled a Russell Wilson revenge game in Seattle when asked in the postgame interview what he says to the people that wrote him off, Gino responded, they wrote me off, but I didn't write back. Didn't write back. I know somebody who would like to have their left back.

Pro surfer and shark attack victim, Bethany Hamilton. Amtrak caught some flack after they stopped their 9-11 tribute this year. It was 21 years after. I think they stopped after 20. That's they caught some flack. What they used to do. They used to all whistle their train horns simultaneously at 842 a.m. when the first building was struck. They would simultaneously whistle at 9.03 for the second tower, 9.40 for the Pentagon, and 10.04 for the field in Pennsylvania. Seems in poor taste that they, too, got rid of their two towers.

That they got rid of their two towers. Oh, shit. Seems in poor taste that they too got rid of their two towers there we go there it is um space x has launched a new satellite

the blue walker 14 it's a sick fucking name the blue walker 14 thank god it was space x naming it not space e who would choose Blue A Boy aged 14. Acceptance rate of interracial couples is at an all-time high.

The queen can't wait to be buried so she can go roll over in her grave. Of course, black and white is the most popular combo for interracial couples. But second place may surprise you. Let's just say Wiz Khalifa will be very happy. Ouch.

I wrote that 12 seconds ago. I wrote that 12 seconds ago. A Houston nurse fired after tripping over an in-use life support system, leaving it unplugged for 15 minutes and almost killing her patient. Her excuse? She was looking at her phone browsing the internet. Something being ripped from its socket while surfing? Oh my God.

It's a slow news week, man. Only the fucking queen died and the NFL kicked off and yeah, slow news week. I've lost it. An Augusta newspaper, the new England chronicle apologizes after publishing a photo with a man spreading his butt cheeks in the background. I couldn't believe this when I saw it because a main page would never promote

anus. Brian Baumgartner declined to appear on the anus podcast. That's true. He's in this building right now. We got the email that he declined us. I for one am relieved he said no. Usually when Brian Bumgardner is on things, he breaks them. As a fatso.

Yes, yes. Yeah, dude. Kyle. Are you going to hide your phone somewhere and make me think like you haven't done it? That shit actually worked. Every time? You can't use the word actually in that sense. I think the last couple didn't quite because I saw them coming.

I forgot. Yeah. Every episode's a week apart. So you can't. Okay. Yeah. Another somber September 11th weekend in New York.ork yeah but a lot of exciting stuff going on and nonetheless in the city

uh dixie d'amelio debuted a completely shaved head on the red carpet yeah the 21 year old tiktok star rocked a fresh buzz cut during new york fashion. When asked why she did it, she said she felt the need to spice up her image for Fashion Week and didn't want to come across as too plain on September 11th. She did, however, lightheartedly claim in the interview that she wasn't completely shaven head to toe. I guess this wasn't the only 21-year-old smoke show that was all bush. Maybe this

Dixie chick had the right idea. Oh my god! Way to go! Holy shit! Miami Dade police are investigating a fatal shooting at a strip club in northeast Miami after a cell phone video posted on social media appeared to show a Dade County man lying on the floor of the club after the shooting as bystanders quickly left. He was pronounced dead on scene by Miami-Dade Fire Rescue early that morning.

Dade man pronounced dead by Miami Fire Rescue? The firefighter must have been dyslexic. He probably also assumed the man overdosed on weed when he read that he was killed by a nug. Perhaps. A lot going on in college football. A lot going on in college football. Appalachian State upset Texas A&M, probably the biggest, but perhaps the biggest upset of the weekend was unranked Marshall over No. 8 Notre Dame,

even despite some iffy calls by the refs in front of a raucous crowd in South Bend. I don't know. calls by the refs in front of a raucous crowd in South Bend. Oh, no. Marshall over eight, despite the subpar home cooking. I wonder if he ended up vomiting on his sweater again. Texas A&M looking to bounce back. How do things just like work out? Okay, Marshall, Marshall Mathers and A&M happen to be ranked number eight.

Just God damn. What a find. Yeah. Texas A&M looking to bounce back after that App State loss. It's a must win against Miami this weekend. On the other hand, Miami will look to take out A&M for the first time since their welcome signing that replaced after a 2009 vandalism. They just got a couple letters. Had to replace

the A&M. The M m i and i were fine you're gonna follow that Sylvester Stallone's wife, Jennifer Flick. M-I-I- The vandalist. Yeah, took A and M out of my M. No, I think he just, with just graffiti, he vandalized just a couple of the letters. A and M were more, I don't know.

Yeah, yeah. The first M was fine. The middle two. Two of the know. Yeah, yeah. The first M was fine. The middle two. Two of the three. Two middle letters, yeah. And then they had to replace them, take them out. Sylvester Stallone's wife, Jennifer Flavin, files for divorce, calls marriage irretrievably broken.

I guess things usually don't end well when you get off to a rocky start. But the only silver lining is that the former couple's three daughters will get to celebrate two Christmases this year. Even though I'm sure their moods will be bleak. Pretending to celebrate two Christmases? Sounds like KFC. sounds like KFC forcing himself to laugh when budding comedian Chris DiStefano

tried roasting Nick and KB despite completely missing on both attempts pretty good Christmases that's pretty good Kyle two Christmases. That's pretty good, Kyle. Two. Great.

Two Christmases. Yeah. Great stuff. Before we get into the meat and potatoes, I'll let everybody leave the podcast. I'll let everybody, all the listeners stop listening. My buddy Marcus, I was him for my fantasy draft. He's like, dude, I love the podcast, but I stopped right after the news. I mean, to an extent, I'm fine with that.

Oh, yeah yeah i think it counts as a listen still but uh today brought to you by game time use game time to go to the u.s open you tweeted it was weird how do you have that how did you have that go semi-viral so first off shout out to game time for oh we don't need this anymore for the listeners removing the green screen from behind us that's way uh oh now it's just round uh oh uh in studio with Tyler

uh Owen and Kyle brought you want to use game time to go into the US Open yeah the US Open it was semi-finals Tiafoe

versus Alcaraz it was incredible so you got to see the guy that eventually won it all yeah and he's like maybe the next Nadal he's the boy he's the it boy

he's 19 he the whole match was incredible though Yeah, and he's like maybe the next Nadal. He's the boy. He's the it boy. He's 19. The whole match was incredible, though. You want to start with the GameTime app? Yeah, GameTime created by fans for fans. GameTime is a new ticketing app that makes it easier to score last minute tickets like to the U.S. Open, Elton John, or even a Banksy exhibit, Kyle. We've been using it for all of those things. Download GameTime, top right, log in, redeem the code.

Kyle, what's the code? Stool, capital S-T-O-O-L. That's for the bar split. Don't use that. Don't use that one. That's what I promoted, but- You did? They told me, they gave me a script.

Untold. Use Untold, help us out. Untold 15, help us out. just i just i'm told help yeah uh-huh yeah uh yeah no but is it cool the event was awesome but like i don't know how much tickets to that cost upwards of a thousand plus i don't know and they they hooked me up i get there i realized they accidentally hooked me up with the day session which happened already one call within two minutes got me seats to the next one no problem I feel like you didn't have to highlight a mistake they made this wasn't this was a mistake by our team oh okay yeah I won't call him out he's the man too but okay okay okay yeah he goofed and immediately

fixed it game time's the best hooked me up you said he was like frantic too yeah and i was frantic because i took a friend and i was like i don't want to fuck this up it already sounds like a scam that it i hey i have yeah i have these tickets for free yeah um so i get there not even late get a 22 honey deuce what it's like a cocktail a honey like a honey is it named after like a tennis thing it's honey do and deuce i don't know it was good it was good but i get there a little bit late so i'm squeezing through the crowd and i immediately spill like 18 of my 22 honey on the guy in front of me was he pissed the guy who was going to be sitting in front of me for like the whole match. Four plus hours.

One match is four hours? Yeah, it was 7 to 7.30 to 12.30. That sucks. It was an electric match. Yeah. I mean, I spilled like the whole thing, including not the whole thing, like three fourths of it, including like the spherical melon how do you do plopped on his the back of his neck and careened down the front of his spot or front of his sternum like a gumball

and i just sit in like behind him so that like weighed on me for the first like hour yeah i had like i feel like i need to apologize but i don't want to say um he say? He was visibly upset, but didn't turn around. So that was it. I felt bad for an hour. What are tennis fans like? What you would think. Bad, huh? They're dorks.

Not all. The only tennis fan I know is Hubs. Yeah, but it was raucous. They were going crazy. Okay. So it was funucous. Like, they were going crazy. Okay. So it was fun. Are you, like, into tennis now? Yeah, I watch a few of the matches.

They're awesome. When you watch a good player like Alcaraz, Kyrgios... Are you going to start playing? It's more fun than team sports to me. I don't know. No. I'm not going to start playing. Couldn't see the event. yeah dude which is a good segue to the next ad

felix gray i should i forgot them we also we don't have hello fresh big e coli outbreak and they're beef oh god yeah we there's probably blood on our hands we don't have them indefinitely we don't have them right now okay so we need to save the money so we might have them next week yeah chances are okay yeah we pretty much have an every other week i'm gonna have there's gonna be a silver lining to the e coli outbreak if needed yeah if needed there will be a good outcome from that uh but if not it was a good kick in the dick for taco bell it was a great yeah it was it was, but like, they've been sending us those. Have you been getting the meatball? I've been eating that.

The turkey meatballs? No, I've been eating the ground beef that is just riddled with E. coli. Oh, shit. Well, that's a bridge we'll cross next week. Yeah, I know. Okay, yeah. We think in the moment, because anything can happen. Next week, we'll talk about that

but the E. coli that fucking sucks it's time to rebound from yeah yeah uh oh do you want to just go all in and just say

fuck the future I think we've done that too much I think we have some good I mean HelloFresh is good all things considered um no no but yeah we'll bring up you're not being able to see the tennis

match and to our next ad just interrupt me just like oh by the way i wasn't able to see that tennis match i was talking yeah yeah i got you it'll go into Felix Gray. Owen, cut that out of the pod. Get rid of that. I came in here with absolutely nothing to talk about. Nice shirt. Owen, nice shirt too. Owen, good shirt. Thanks.

Tyler. Good shirt. Good shirt. Mook. Sorry, buddy. What the fuck is that? Mook just left his real job. Yeah.

Looking like a bruise. He's wearing black and blue. Like a Backstreet Boys album. They had an album called Black and Blue. One second. A gluttonous salad called black and blue one second a gluttonous salad black and there is a that's a salad somewhere oh yeah yeah yeah yeah it's like uh it's not really a salad you're getting a full hanger steak in it so it's like uh gluttonous when affirmative action uh recasts a popular Nick Jr. show. Black and blue. They better not.

Sacred, don't touch it. Here's the thems. It never failed. At one day. Luke, do you want to hop on the mic uh can we take like two five yeah yeah um one thing i want to address before we get into murk uh doing some news a lot of people have been guessing what that scrapped episode was that we had and i meant to bring this up a while ago uh a lot of people thought it was like oh we had josh prey on and we didn't like it we uh you know there was a lot of things it was too bad

like in the sense of edgy uh that wasn't the case at all people are way off base nobody's been close to guessing uh so for those that don't know we scrapped an episode and we replaced it we put it out a day later uh an episode with brandon walker the, we scrapped an episode and we replaced it. We put it out a day later, an episode with Brandon Walker. The episode we scrapped beforehand. Does it still exist anywhere? It is on a hard drive. Yes. Okay.

It was experimental. It wasn't experimental. I'd say. Kyle, it's still sitting in the corner. Do you want to go grab it? Well, no. What happened first is that we tried for like 45 minutes. Got nothing. Nothing. I mean mean which is a thing for podcasts but like well here's the thing though we've been on a lot

of other podcasts it has never happened once to other people no right yeah it didn't even have that it didn't it didn't even have nothing we didn't have nothing so it was about it's only we couldn't like fill topics or talk about things we couldn't talk we could not even talk uh-huh um until uh i went went to get you want to go we took then we said let's take 10 let's go for a walk get some from snacks fresh air fresh air and there was a certain this is so dumb we should put the episode out okay well me in my head i'm scrambling for ideas i'm gonna make this work i'm gonna go get her i'm i'm like i'm i gotta get a heart and soul yeah i need to make this work so i tried something it they i tried something yeah i still think it would work do you want to try it again i would love for you to try it

no because it doesn't fit with the context of the episode. We just brought it up. It's the most in context. It's so much more in context than it was last time. Because imagine that last episode, it starts and it's just us right into that. It's relying on me being angry.

It was. It was right out of the fridge. Fuck it. It relies on me being angry. I was going to say I'm not angry enough and now I am fuck Kyle's going to grab it because this office is so gross that it just has been here and Kyle what do you

have there for the listeners I brought it as a oh I forgot I bought this as a prop top it's a bottle of kiwi strawberry snapple. How many ounces? You drink that? Is that something you like?

No, not the opposite. I bought this not to drink it, as you can see. You guys thought originally that I bought this to drink. I drink water and alcohol. That's it. We thought when you bought it

and came out of the store with it yeah i did it as an example because the invent like when i bought this there was only one of these left meaning that at least several it was flying off the shelf and sold why is this flying off the shelves why is it why is this kiwi strawberry drink, 32 fluid ounces. So imagine you're tuning into anus, expecting the normal stuff, and then it starts. Keep going. I'm sorry. 32 fluid ounces of kiwi strawberry flavored juice drink. And people are purchasing this on a daily basis.

Why? Who is needing this? When you're thirsty, you drink water. Yeah. If you want a little thirsty, you drink water. Yeah. If you want a little flavor, you have a snow cone or a smoothie. Sure. Nobody should be drinking and consuming this. Does that bottle say a little or a lot about our culture right now?

And folks, this was like 30 minutes of our 45-minute podcast. Who is going on their lunch break and needs a 32 ounce Kiwi strawberry juice drink? I stopped him for an ad in this rant and then he picked up right after the ad ended right back into it. The rant was, yeah, I mean, I meant that what I said, but it was a desperate, it was a backup attempt. Yeah. At a talking point. And I thought, yeah, I'm passionate about this. I think you bought it and you were embarrassed that you bought it.

And so you said you purchased it for the rant. That's pretty good off the cuff, right? Well, you've had two months. No. So that's why we scrapped the episode. It was that time.

I didn't deliver anything. We scrapped the episode it was uh that didn't i didn't do i didn't deliver anything we scrapped it for other reasons i thought it was the snapple it was a very it was our episodes always have a little bit of snapple but it's never been fully snapple centric and i think they wouldn't have liked it maybe we're hard on ourselves i think a lot of podcasts are like kiwi strawberry snapple is the worst and then someone else is like dude i fuck with kiwi strawberry snapple low-key and i'm like but explain yourself bro like i think it's fucking way too sugary so you know snapple's good 100 100 we i fuck with snapple hard body the The facts on the lids, dude, that shit's nostalgic.

But this Kiwi strawberry ain't the way. Did you hear they aren't true? Low key, they're missed. But like, dude, that was the fun part. Growing up, getting that Snapple. 100%. That was the best part of being a kid. So, I mean. I don't know.

Yeah, that was pretty good, though. Yeah, we need to start having opinions. Mook started a new job, but you're still here. Yes. Yeah. What? Started a new job, had work today and got here early. I told my boss that I had a monkey pox scare.

So your boss thinks you're gay? Basically, yeah. OK. How long have you worked there? Since yesterday. And you already left early? Basically, yeah. Okay. How long have you worked there? Since yesterday. And you already left early today? Yep. Buddy.

I don't want the job. I don't want the job. This is the basket and all the extras. But I got to pay the bill. We got to get you hired here. Rewind, actually. You are 25? Yeah, my birthday's in two days 25 you're a

comedian but you had what was your job prior to this another accounting gig so you were in accounting yeah and you you quit or i got late so i worked for a startup that i will not name and i got laid off uh i was like quiet quitting and then uh one day they axed me and I had severance for like six weeks. They asked you or? No, it was an urban. It was an urban company. Okay. Okay.

They fired you. Fired me. And then you still felt the need to say, hey, I have monkey pox. So. No, no, this isn't. You got a new job. Oh, you told your new job you have monkey pox. Yeah.

But he started yesterday. Yeah. So you started a new. How'd you get the job so fast? Accounting. You can get a job like. Okay. So you got a job. Yeah. You started yesterday. Yeah. So you started a new, how'd you get the job so fast? Accounting, you can get a job like anytime. Okay, so you got a job. Yeah. You started.

Yesterday. Yesterday. And today was a. Today was orientation as well. But I said, hey, I'm having a monkey pox scare. I need to go see my doctor. So it's not really about the monkey pox. It's about this being your second day.

Yeah. I don't really care. Honestly, I'm over it. I don't want to be an accountant at all. Describe, what do you mean you don't care? Why'd you get the job then? Money. I got to pay rent.

Yeah, but you don't care. That means you don't care about losing the job and forfeiting money. I don't care about losing the job, yeah. So then why would you get it in the first place? Money, Kyle. I'm saying he obviously doesn't care about the money if he's willing to lose the job. He has to have money to live yeah i'll at least get one paycheck if i

get fired tomorrow so one paycheck yeah i'll take it okay it'll pay rent i mean that's not a wild question i i guess not the other stipulation uh to show how much i don't care about this job is um apparently i had to take a drug test and I did not know about the drug test. And then on Thursday, before I flew out to Phoenix, I got a call from my boss and he said, you need to take a drug test. And I smoked weed last weekend. So I had to first thing off the flight to Phoenix, find a lab corp in Phoenix and take a drug test. And did you pass? I don't know.

Dude, you got to get Q-Carbo 32. Yeah. I don't know. I took it and I haven haven't heard anything i didn't fail or i didn't pass so i don't it was i might get fired tomorrow anyway was it a piss test yeah i took a hair test they take out a big patch they i i was freaking out i shaved my head in preparation thought that was the i thought that was in for like that was the move yeah you probably felt like you got my arm catch me if you can they got my armpit hair they stagged my armpit hair um i think it's that they have to see that every single fucking day i have to i because i had like two weeks in advance two weeks of paranoia looking at every online

forum like i bought the special shampoo then i was like this isn't gonna work shave the head completely um enough where you can't like snag a lock snag a strand yeah um i passed it which means how do you look with the flawed yeah flawed system i guess or maybe you didn't smoke as much as you thought. Smoke, dude. Oh. I wish I was just smoking. That was 2016.

That's when Tropical House started popping off. Yeah. You don't smoke the Kygo. But I got the job. Let's go to this Kygo show and get like, smoke some butt. Get a little high. Get a little head high. Shit.

Shit. Y'all smoking. Kyle, were you able to see the US Open barely I could see like the blobs hitting it back and forth I couldn't see the score

so I had to get our friend Claudia's her prescription glasses but you guys don't wear the same prescription but it works so I would put them on for extended periods of time and i would get a bad headache take them off headache would subside a little bit but i wanted to see the score because it was such a good match get glasses so yeah so now i forgot my felix grays um that was a mistake worth it yeah uh felix gray they make prescription

non-prescription glasses 15 times more blue lights if you're looking at a computer screen all day. Great for the US Open if you're far away from them. A lot of relief comes from them. You guys can get them. Any glasses, any prescription glasses can give relief, but these look good. They look great. They look great. You can go to FelixGrayGlasses.com

slash story, F-E-L-I-X G-R-A-Y Glasses.com slash story f e l i x g r y g r a y glasses dot com slash story mook um what do you got for us i got uh some news and i got a nadu email that he hasn't responded to yet okay oh yeah let's get the green screen. The news wouldn't make sense without the green screen behind it. We're bringing in the green screen right now. Mook just vibrates against this thing. Yes.

It's a big boy. I dropped that one in an Alaskan ocean. You can see. Yeah, it's it. When Donnie threw it down, it went right in the ocean. Oh, fuck. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

That was like a really angry move. It actually pissed me off. I'm very averse to those type of sounds. Yeah, it, that was like a really angry mook. That actually pissed me off. I'm very averse to those type of sounds. Yeah, it's common. Okay. It smells a little gamey. Yeah, it's gamey. What's up, mook?

You don't have your own boner? What's up with the shirt? Yeah, what the hell? Corporate mook. You want to know why? Why? Because I'm a blue raspberry guy. What the fuck's up? No, get that why because i'm a blue raspberry guy no get that right i'm a blue raspberry guy i'm a blue raspberry guy i don't even uh we said that

video was coming out last friday it just didn't we don't know it's coming out tomorrow or thursday is it no we're not we haven't even done voiceovers for it. Get back. Talk about the Snapple. It's what the people want. This is beyond. Yeah. All right. The news again. The evening news part two. Mook, mook. news. The evening news. Part two.

Mook mook. OK. There it is. You've got you've gotten pussy recently. That could tell. But go on. OK. Wait.

You could tell. Yes. How can you tell? I can tell by just his demeanor. He is confident today because he usually comes in here meek as meek as a bone. And yeah. Today he waltzed in in he was just like walked in hey nick what's up and just like went plop down on like a couch man spreading man yeah um i always

man spread that's not not like this oh yeah you could tell i couldn't tell but now that i'm looking back i yeah you did get laid did you get did you get phoenix pussy I got no Phoenix pussy. No Phoenix pussy. We got Labor Day weekend pussy, though. It's in my email. Oh, that was prior. Yeah. Knew it. Yes.

Knew it. Fresh. I'm feeling light. I don't know what that means. It came a lot, I guess. It is. What? Dude.

Don't ever. What the fuck? I won't say that again. Never say that. Yeah. My bad. Feeling light. Feeling light. don't ever what the fuck i won't say that my bad feeling feeling all right we want news i don't know if i want to look at i don't know gross me out dude i'm sorry i'm feeling light dude i lost like three pounds of cum misconception i would jack off when I needed to cut like the last two tenths. Nothing ever.

Yeah? Yeah. It's not like part of your weight. Cum isn't? It just. No. Like. It has to be.

It's not. It's just not. It definitely is. It's just not. So are you only producing it like when you're aroused? I think so. So maybe you burnt calories doing it yeah maybe if i like sweat yeah i don't know yeah anyways yeah give us some

some news uh notre dame football suffered their second loss this season first to the buckeyes then to the marshall thundering herd the fighting fighting Irish are used to going. Oh, and two though, especially in the Catholic church when they are beaten by priest and then molested. Yeah. Oh, me too. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. Um, Apple released their newest update for the iPhone and their Apple watch watch. Oh,

S nine and iOS 16 watch watch os 9 and ios 16 watch 9 and is 16 actor leonardo dicaprio announced he is still loving the updates but he will be switching to an android once ios 25 drops yeah and then the broncos played the seahawks on mond Monday night football last night. The Hawks wore their signature highlighter green uniforms. Broncos linebacker Bradley Chubb flew around the field and made stellar plays on Seahawks receiver Tyler Lockett. Chubb on Lockett and green. Sounds like Louis C.K. in a green room.

Nice. Two more. The Manning cast on ESPN is back, where brothers Peyton and Eli, two rich white boys from the South, analyze, critique, and question NFL athletes, a league that is made up of 75% black players. ESPN tweeted this morning that the Manning cast shattered record viewership from last season.

Wow. ESPN sounds surprisingly proud, boys. Nice. Did you use an ellipses or a comma? Comma. Cool. Yeah. I type in Excel, by the way.

What? That's weird as hell. No, he's an accountant. Yeah. For like the next 12 hours probably yeah i don't know if i'll have a job tomorrow but i have monkey i'm not saying we're that popular but you're putting your job on the line yeah i mean i don't i'm down to get severance again you know you could get severance from one day probably Probably. You don't know. I have no idea.

I don't know. Dude, definitely not. No. You're going to get evicted. I'll figure it out. You can still have me. All right. Last joke.

Last news joke. California legislators are trying to increase minimum wages for fast food employees in their state. Bloomberg cites that this could kill the fast food industry.

I, for one, think this wouldn't kill anything as a 14-foot tiger shark once tried to consume Bethany Hamilton as fast food. There it is. And she only lost an arm. There she is. I'm running out for her. But I don't think we should stop

until we can get her on the show. She was signing autographs in San Clemente this weekend. Bad handwriting. You saw it? I assumed. Oh. She was a southpaw.

One of my boys told me. I was like, shit. Really? An autograph. That would be awesome. Can we sell her likeness on a t-shirt? It's just a one-armed surfer that says anus on it. I don't know how that works.

I want to sell these t-shirts that we got from Amazon. You got. Well, look at you. I like the shirt and I'm thankful for it. The owner of the boner. I was intrigued by it because first of all, I don't think it needs of no shit like it's yeah yeah the owner the boner works way better yeah um i think it's a versatile shirt because it's funny backwards as well because like it's pointing like if you're gay it's like where to go oh wait

what like it's just like the boner goes like there. Oh, yeah. But if we were to make sure I think it's I like the color way. Yeah. So you gave this to you gave these to us this morning. Yeah. I had the wherewithal to not put it on until the podcast. Oh, and put it on immediately. You had like some.

Yeah. Like a 15 minute conversation With our head of PR for Barstool She's like a new big hire But we talked strategy for anus And then Tyler and I Walked away and I remembered I was wearing the shirt You're wearing an untold story

Like Trump-esque hat with the owner of the boner This is a shirt That even if you were wearing it ironically You're still like disgusted. Yeah. This is the slot. Like the neck came like pre-stretched. I'm trying to think of someone who would wear this unironically.

I could not even imagine. In earnest. That guy with Alzheimer's. He just like forgot. Yeah. He needs to remember. Whose hard cock is this? These are fly, though.

Who the fuck's cock is this on my body? Dude, a dementia patient that forgets his cock? But still gets... He thinks it's gay. What the fuck? Get this gay shit off of me. There's a cock on it? He has to trace it back to his body to retrace your steps um no but i think the shirt could also um if they were just

flipped and so the boner was pointing up and the owner was down there yeah or maybe just just the boner and no just that's it that's all you need that i think that's flip it up more cover the double arrow though the the oh yeah the owner is implied if it's pointing at my cock yeah because there's no ring on this finger yeah dude just the boner cool was so much funnier and if it's pretty high. It's like high up on my chest. There's four of us wearing these. I mean, I want to get soaking wet

and then go out to a bar with these on. Yeah? Yeah, because if we just wore them dry, they'd be like, oh, look at the funny guys with the stupid, the funny shirts.

If we were soaking wet, it would be, there would be a lot of questions. It would just be like Pulp Fiction. So it would be like foamy? Yes, I think not even wet. You wanted to do a wet suit night. I wanted to do a wet suit night with the boys.

We would get a really nice suit and just go into a place drenched. So would they refuse seating you if you were sopping? You're talking about like a restaurant. Like they're confused enough to like how you haven't dried off on the commute in if you were like in the ocean like you're that wet yeah they'd see you not not freshwater wet either ocean wet oh you get wetter i think in the ocean a little bit uh um kyle everybody i don't need a single kyle out here let's talk about raycon ray j's company yes sir makes his earbuds everyday earbuds look feel sound better than ever optimized gel tips

perfect in your fit they sent us some they sound great they're bass boosted uh noise canceling and awareness mode works out really really well. Ray J, I've seen his cock. Go to buyraycon.com today. Use code untold15 for 15% off your Raycon orders. Untold15, buyraycon.com. Right. Right. We took a small break to pee. I like clapped to like end the podcast uh to mark the break and you were just

like uh what did you do this weekend you asked me yeah i said i mixed oxys with liquor don't first of all don't spring it on me like that that and like i had to immediately go to the bathroom and like just be like what the yeah no i didn't i didn't what did you do uh mixed oxys with liquor no i'm kidding i didn't do it this week i did it in college once uh felt like a deity that's not good no it was it wasn't even on purpose i think we were pre-gaming 99 apples if you had it it's the consistency of like honey yeah it's like radioactive ooze with like an apple flavor they did 99 bananas as well i was like that was like this that was my move because i was i struggle with drinking liquor and like that was the highest percentage

and i would chase it with like a juice okay um but it wasn't happening i had a bad headache so i was like i'm out for the week i'm out for the night and i need to cure this headache my boy mac gave me one of his oxys you don't need that much oh it was only like five milligrams i think i took like half so it wasn't like a crazy amount but it flipped a switch in me where i was omnipotent do you remember that it was i was i think i was like dming this girl on twitter for like months without like making any extra move yeah i that the oxys collaborated with the liquor and i immediately just faced i facetimed her and i was like facetiming her in the club in kent and like that and i was like snapchatting i was afraid to post anything i was snapped i snapped her like 30 times

um this sounds like a ringing endorsement for mixing oxys with liquor yeah dude it like gave you did anything ever happen with that girl five milligrams uh later later but yeah i was in the fucking club facetiming like i didn't like you got to come to kent like marketing it like it was prog and um i never did it again thank god but like that was like like what like that was like the ideal you are covered in chapstick you took way too much yeah use some of this but like no did no bad came from it use some of this but like no did no bad came from it no because i knew no it was just a i don't want to like yeah like that's like that's kill you or ruin your life um i didn't know what i didn't know like what painkillers were and at the time i guess I was like a sophomore. In college. Yeah.

I didn't even think I consciously thought about the opioid epidemic until I was like 24. Really? Really. I knew it existed, but I didn't think like, oh, it's not heroin. It's like oxycodone, like these things that we're getting prescribed for our injuries. Yeah. So, yeah, it just happened in a blast. Admit you used too much chapstick.

Dude, that's been stonked. That's been sitting there for months. All right. I want to see what happens. Mix my Carmex with that old Snapple. All right. You are just gross now. Yeah, I'm just like the whole,

the whole theme of the pod is I look like a stupid autistic character. What? Dance around. No. I think you're very well spoken. Huh? You're a linguist. You just talked about getting pussy.

That's pretty cool. I didn't get pussy out of that. I thought like eventually with a girl. No. Oh. No. I was FaceTiming her in the club at 157 in ken ohio it's not even a club what is it it has like this was like their vip section this size were you like the owner is like a rapist it didn't come out till the years later and then he like claimed he wasn't then he put the girl who

accused him on like a gun target and like went to the range and like shot it it was it was weird yeah oh weird holy shit did he get arrested wait who is that the guy that got the barstool funds just like bro he did not oh dude i was like you gotta come to kent um it and i'm like like i'm like doing well too like i've never been confident with girls ever and now i was like 10 out of 10 like you have to come i'll get you into any club there's no clubs oh my god oh my god but you say you didn't do i never like talked i never like opened up about that night because i felt like a shame that's dirty to do that at the time you didn't do it? I never like talked to, I never like opened up about that night. Cause I felt like ashamed. It's dirty to do that.

At the time I didn't realize then, but I did. I was like, did you wake up like ashamed? Yeah. Yeah. Like you see your Snapchat story and it's just everything that you saw. It was just the vantage point of your own eyes for the whole night.

Um, so I was like, yeah, I can't do that again, obviously, but yeah, my my god i don't yeah i don't have any similar experience uh once i uh i used to make prank videos in college of pranking my roommate really yeah all right fuck this brought out like a memory it was sean black yeah and i remember on facebook they're kind of good that was like i was like that's when i realized this nick guy is funny yeah you know

it was funny i wonder if it holds up i don't think they do what did you do to his he was gone and you were in the dorm yeah did you like i mean they were pretty childish once i spent i like i canceled my meal plan to get more money for pranks and i said you had a i believe that fool yeah my mom was so fucking mad because my buddy canceled it for drugs and he was like yeah dude i just went down to like the basement of our dorm there's the meal like the meal plan office because it was like below the cafeteria and you just cancel and they just give you the cash that you would have paid for the rest of the year holy shit and so i just went down there got like 700 bucks i immediately spent 100 on tinfoil and i made just a giant tinfoil ball and my roommate just walked in i just threw it at his face and that was like one of the videos um you did something to the whole room yeah which

i liked a post-it noted it maybe yeah yeah. Yeah. But that was like before, like that's been done in since like at the time, like I've never seen anything like that. I would kill it on Tik TOK. Yeah. Pretty early on. I was, uh, on the Facebook video game and, uh, he, uh, um, no, anyways, I, uh, was in college and I got scabies like my first week of college. So itchy. I got the scabies medication and I went to this party and this girl recognized me from the videos. First time ever.

It was the sickest thing. Damn. Wow. And, uh, I was on scabies medication. I wasn't supposed to drink and I did and I blacked out and I just, uh, woke up at her apartment, but there was a a she was with a dude and my shoes were just tied together i was just on there it was like my shoes tied together but apparently it's the same scabies medication is to help alcoholics like wean themselves off

um so so it wasn't as cool as your night mine was for bugs under my skin from being dirty and uh i had scabies in college too in fact i realized in college my freshman year how good my mom was at raising me because as soon as i left her yeah my freshman year it was just i was ill the entire year not just ill like i had every outbreak imaginable every sickness i wouldn't start to finish enemy and whenever i think about my freshman year of college i think like that was the worst year ever but at the time i was never upset i was like this is awesome i know i was i was free and like i but i had a miss nothing good happened i was holding my shit uh weeks at a time because i could i could only shit my friend had a private dorm but he was like never really there so i could only shit like once a week so i would go to bed in the process of like

holding back my shit i was had no money for food because i spent it all on tinfoil i and then i uh didn't like know how to wash my clothes and so i would just go to goodwill and buy a shirt and wear it till it was too disgusting and swap out and so like and then i was just like that year was awesome but i know yeah when're not in the time i thought it was awesome but it is to fall asleep holding back your shit not many people could do i've never been i've never like i've always just had a bathroom i had i did not like i had like a public shower public like i couldn't do it but i was jealous of the dudes i could just blow it up yeah i said scabies and now I'm fucking itching.

Yeah. I got, I got arrested the first weekend of college. First night out. Lost a little bit of your scholarship. That was the last week of college when I got the weed violation. Okay. The first,

yeah. Then I went and I was like, then I had to go home for labor day weekend. I felt obligated. I can't go back out after that. I'm going to go home, see my parents make right. Then I got a poison.y head to toe. Didn't even go in the woods. How'd you get it?

I think my immune system was so bad from being away from my mom and her constant care that my body just rejected itself. Then I tried the tanning bed because my teammates were doing it. They said, you look better in a singlet. you're a little more tan then i just got uh like a disastrous burn on my ass how does that was debilitated for two like you couldn't even sit i couldn't do anything was it like blistered yeah then do you have scars not anymore probably cancer yeah eventually um you don't tan anymore, do you? No. Just makeup. Somebody put a video on the subreddit of

it was you jumping off our Barstow Outdoors video, but then it cut to a guy jumping out of the two towers and then me killing John F. Kennedy. That was something. I wish I could share it. You just can't. It's not something you can share. Go look at it. Go killing John F. Kennedy. It was something. That was something. I wish I could share it. Just can't. It's not something you can share. I mean, go look at it.

Go check that out. Don't get banned, boys. Don't like ban the subreddit. Will that do it? I don't know. No, there's way worse things on Reddit. I don't know. I don't know how that works.

Or get banned. Yeah. Yeah. Concert. Not concert. Our live banned. Yeah. Yeah. Concert. Not concert. Our live show sold out. Yeah. So that's pretty cool.

It's a good feeling. Very exciting. All of us will be there. Mook will be opening up with some pretty good set, I must say. I'm talking about your titties. You're not wrong on both fronts. So, no, I'm really excited for that get your throwing arms ready

get ready to pelt some dorks oh yeah Pat Bev Tyler who was our second camera over there I guess first camera I don't know do you take priority over the tripod the robots so your second camera you're a producer of roan's pat

bev podcast you put pat bev onto anus he liked the name yeah he was like hey so what else do you do like in barstool i'm like i work for like some comedians do a lot of roan stuff uh i'm like doing a couple podcasts right now he's like oh yeah what do you do i'm like uh roan works with this guy like sasquatch he's like this 20 year old like sasquatch like yeah a little sasquatch like not sure if i heard of him and I'm like I also work for this show called Anus he's like Anus

what are we talking about it startled him yeah one of the most unflappable men in the NBA he was like Anus like a new untold story and he like

clapped his hands like I like that yeah so bro I mean that's probably the peak of his enjoyment of the podcast that's it I'll take it don of the podcast. That's it.

Don't ever tap in, but I'll never hate the show. No. We got to get him on. Oh, we can get him on. He's coming to New York eventually. Yeah, we'll get him on. Easy. The roast of Pat Bev.

Oh, my God. I'm a friend. Actually, no, he would hate this. Pat Bev is so awesome. What's an anti-roast? Compliments? Yeah, but what's the opposite of a roast? I'm going to roast.

What's that? A eulogy? A eulogy? The nicest. The nicest, yeah. An obituary, but minus the dead. I'm going to roast myself soon. I just need to.

I'm going to roast myself, too, because I know myself best. Yeah, me too. Yeah. Newest listener and co-worker and close personal friend. God damn. You're right. Pretty cool. It probably helps that you're tall. yeah newest newest listener and co-worker close personal friend god damn you're right pretty cool it probably helps

that you're tall dude I got asked a million times like are you past teammate this one girl shut up she thought you

were a Laker swear to god bro no swear to god what are you six seven five but it was like

you're six five okay you yeah you look like someone in the basketball community but like it was his girlfriend

and husband he's like are you Pat's teammate like nah nah and then the guy started being like yes cause you you look like someone in the basketball community. But like it was his girlfriend and husband. He's like, are you Pat's teammate? I'm like, no, no, no. And then the guy started being like, yeah, it's because you're so skinny. I'm like, dude, your girlfriend asked me if I'm on the Lakers, bro. Get yours.

Yeah. Amazing. You didn't say that. She said that because you're skinny, not because you're tall. No, I swear to God. So Pat eventually like dragged me one by one and like introduced me to like all those people.

So like, I'm in. That'd be cool though. All right. Good weekend. Owen, flip it to all those people. So I'm in. That'll be cool, though. All right. Good weekend. Owen, flip it to Owen Cam real quick. Sign us out. It's sick.