A New Untold Story - Ernest Hemingway feat. Feitelberg - A New Untold Story: Ep. 416

Episode Date: October 3, 2024

Feits joins the pod to talk clowns, ernest hemingway, steriods, and parlays. Ads: Gametime - Download the Gametime app today and use code UNTOLD to easily score great deals with the new Gametime Picks! Mando - Control Body Odor ANYWHERE with @shop.mando and get $5 off your Starter Pack (that’s over 40% off) with promo ANUS at https://ShopMando.com! #mandopod CANN - Head to https://DrinkCann.com and use code STORY30 for 30% off your order of Cann and get free shipping.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, a new untold story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcast, Spotify or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad free on Amazon Music. Those are ALD New Balances. Emilio. Yeah, yeah. All right, KB. Yeah. Does that warrant that? It does. Yeah, those are nice. Thank you. Damn. And that hoodie, too.

Yeah, the hoodie is cool. You're getting like cool You've been spent you've been spending have you been spending heavy. Oh, yeah, I've been spending like a crypto scammer Good to go to clap whenever all right cool. That's a good cold open It's a loud enough hit me one more time I think that was worse That's cool. No one told story episode 413. Episode 416 Toronto, Ontario, Canada. The six.

We're here with fights. With lifelong friend fights. Are we allowed to say it? Is a lifelong friend somebody you've known since birth or somebody that will be your friend forever? Not of us. He just seems like a guy who stays in touch. I'm not bad at it. You're somebody's lifelong friend. I got lifelong friends. I got a room full of them right here.

Wow. Sad. Sad sad. Tell me about Toronto. Ugly, overcrowded, overpriced and soulless what? Listen, I always thought Toronto seemed fantastic, but I did some research and they hate it so we can talk shit wait They hate their their city. Yeah, they're like they're anti Toronto It's pronounced Toronto Toronto. You don't do the second t. I don't believe yeah, Toronto Toronto Toronto, okay Fights would probably know more about it than me

Been to the brass rail there good strip club okay What makes it what makes a strip club good? I was like naked women Yeah, VIP room with a bad strip club is clothed the women. What was the name of it brass rail? I said brass Braille There's also the upper brass which is the nicer part of the strip club I believe have you ever been to the upper brass I have been yeah, whoa yeah, it was a tough night I don't have you pegged as a strip club guy not at all I guess it was like 17 What once I like became of age I was out on them

Yeah, like I've said don't get it Don't get getting horny with your boys. No, I don't want to be hard next to a hard You if anything it's the ultimate punishment like it's like can't touch torture can't touch can't squeeze But I also like I don't get hard like that. Hmm. I don't got like a good chick in the room naked does like no no no No, but I went early early Barstool days I think I think me Dan Dave and Kevin were doing a podcast and They've got like very mad at me About like middle school dances, and they were all like time. I get hard and I didn't get hard dancing in middle

Oh, you weren't grinding and he was like are you fucking kidding me final work? Then you're gay I don't know man. I was way too nervous to get hard. It was it was can't be hard nervous I do I do the opposite of get hard in strip clubs were like if they're giving me a lap dance I'm so self-conscious of the fact that I'm not getting hard Yeah, that I'll like tighten my pants up So she can't even feel that I'm not hard. I bet you most gay aren't attracted to men. They just are nervous around women Wait, what's that? Yeah? So I bet you most gay dudes are just like too nervous to get hard around women and just can only get hard around dudes

Probably a percentage yeah, but I think they like each other yeah, they might percentage yeah but I think they like each other yeah they might what else you have anything Toronto I think the Mount Rushmore would be Drake the Weekend Mike Myers and Jim Carrey okay I feel Rob Ford kind of sneaks on those are the most he was the mayor that did met everything he did a crack I don't know

if he would be more famous than Jim Carey you think the mayor? Like Toronto icons if that's what the Rushmore is I'm talking about the most famous people. I know like they're all Americanized now, but Toronto icons. Yeah I didn't know the weekend was from Toronto. I think yeah the weekend Drake Jim Carrey Mike Myers are the most famous Torontonians or Tim Hortonians, that's a racially and facially diverse quartet of men, of schizo men. I think Drake might be the most normal of that bunch.

The weak, yeah, mm. I don't know about Mike, I don't know what his life is like. He might. He just seems like a wacko. Yeah? Yeah. I don't know about Mike Ma, I don't know what his life is like. He might. He just seems like a wacko. Yeah, but definitely not able or... Don't do that. I don't even know like, who was I talking about? Don't disable. Who was I talking about?

We were talking about some artist and I was like, he's kind of like the weekend for me where I'm like, I'm sure he, he I know he sells Unbelievable tickets, but I couldn't tell you starboy was sick so starboy. I was during that summer I was a I would too was a motherfucking starboy. You were a starboy. I was a party monster were you What was his kiss one on kiss land is a? So good though yeah, but got kiss He's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... he's a... a crisp we didn't know this I didn't know we went to war with Canada was it France it was the battle of York war of 1812 wooed their women we wowed their children what you mean by will we wooed their women we wowed their children we I think we murdered their weakest men and raped their strongest We raped them consensually. We raped the buddy boys. What are you doing there, bud? I'm fucking rearranging your guts, dude. Alright, how about it then?

Are you doing an impression of raping a Canadian man? Statute of limitations, this was 1800s. That would be a terrifying army if they went that style if they went for the men they went Viking style It was not like it's like you thought that was the that would be horrifying ethics of war you do go for the men No, but I mean Sexually like pillaging they don't go for women. What war were they raping men Kyle 1812? Yeah, it was it was a bylaw. You're allowed that was the age range. They were going for yeah Other Mary's the white flag

Babe Ruth some more American fun facts about Toronto babe Ruth hit his first professional home run in Toronto about Toronto. Babe Ruth hit his first professional home run in Toronto against the Maple Leafs. Didn't know that. The baseball team as well. Yeah, the minor league team. He was for the Providence Grays, his fat black ass and it's sailing out of the stadium into Lake Ontario, so they say. And not one fucking Canadian had the foresight to retrieve the ball Which is probably millions of present-day dollars worth of

Yarn and leather while let decompose babe Ruth Toronto there was a man there was a fresh-faced city slicker named Hoye Gary Hoy He was a lawyer and he gave tours on the 24th floor of the TD Center in Toronto and he had this stunt where he would run and slam his body into the glass windows to prove to the people on tour that the glass was unbreakable. What happened? The good news is he tried it many many times and he never broke the glass. The bad news is the tried it many many times and he never broke the glass the bad news is

The last time he tried Window popped out of frame. He went sailing to his death. Damn. Yeah, Gary Hoy rest in peace Gary What else there was a clown riot? What's a clown? the clowns and the firefighters had a big brawl This is very Canadian. What? Dude, is that like a huge rivalry?

I don't think so. I don't even think people from Toronto know about this. But yeah, the circus came into town. They had a night off. They went to the brothel. And the firefighters were there, as they would be. And I guess they got in some skirmishes over

Over the women and it turned into a full-blown If I were a firefighter, and I lost I lost my girl to a fucking clown So like fucking we are think we have FDNY 9-eleven, and they were fucking losing getting pummeled by clown Ozzy it sounds like a scene from gangs in New York like I feel like I remember it probably was sick They were probably like hard-working men back then the clown That's really well respected men that's interesting That this are the clowns won. I think the clowns won and then the well the firemen showed up to the circus Had their way with

These stories and the same And then do you have anything about Toronto? Do you have news? All right. Quick ad breaks, sorry, but you know we gotta do it. It's game time. Barstool's ticketing partner app. It's the choice of everybody that works here. We use game time.

Kyle and I, this Sunday, are going to Panthers of Bears. Yes we are. We're gonna tailgate. And we're gonna walk in and scan our tickets that are in the game time app Secure best prices all kinds of seats available. We love it. We genuinely use it oft But it's not for just sports you go see comedy shows. You can go see peso pluma You can go see 21 pilots 21 pilots for only thirty three dollars on Wednesday at the United Center How much money how many dollars is that per pilot?

That's that I can't divide that by two. I'm not too quickly. Hold on. Hold on. They put on shows they do like emo gymnastics Piano, they sing they play instruments. They're from Columbus. They are 1.57 dollars per pilot which is a good fucking deal. Yeah, but. Thought it was two, yeah. What? Nothing, but all events.

All events. All events. Sports, comedy, theater. All the words. Cardiac. Yes. Download the Game Time app today. Use code untold, U-N-T-O-L-D to easily score great deals

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but yeah, just to keep the listeners up to date with things that are happening. The commander of the Navy SEALs was charged with the death of a training candidate. Why would you ever want to be a Navy SEAL? I'd be a black seal and fuck Heidi Klum. Pete Rose? Not now, Pete Loweard.

P Diddy Blackmail? yeah, I know what he is Jimmy Carter turns a hundred and he looks good. Oh Oops now he he looks good looks like his bones turned to goo I meant to say good Gio apostrophe D. Yeah, yeah, I must have forgot the apostrophe An Abe Lincoln documentary came out and it tries to prove that he was gay I think his whole wedding was a miscommunication Yo, Abe you won

Yo, Abe you want to marry Todd? Hell yeah, bitch Hell yeah, bitch Yeah, of course I actually saw that play in New York, which is kind of like that movie It's it's called Oh Mary And it's about Mary Todd and how Abe Lincoln was gay and all kinds of stuff did it make you believe that he was gay Well the play is a comedy, but I did a little research on my own, but like seeing somebody act in a play Me being convinced that that person's gay is easy He actually the guy played a boogie looks a lot like Bert Kreischer, but I wouldn't the I

Was doing some reading on it to see how how true it is and it seems like it's 100% true like it seems like I believe that one of the quotes was a Aside from his wife and kids there is no evidence of him being a heterosexual He was a wrestler, but they were There were there were two separate points in his life where he lived with a man for five years And then and this is the fucked up one when he died when he was killed his stepmother I believe maybe mother In her statement said he was never very fond of women Back then though like you were calling your boys beautiful, and I don't know people want people to be gay

I don't know people want people to be gay. I don't know posthumously Yeah, we're bad It is is so weird like how like how much times and like things you say change like do you see the quote going around? From Blake Lively. It's one. It's unbelievable It is oh she wants her kids to be gay. She wants her kids This is from like when she was on Gossip Girl, and it's like she was asked from like when she was on Gossip Girl and it's like she was asked I'll just read the quote says I hope one day I hope to have a few girls one day if not girls they'd better be trannies because I have some amazing shoes and bags and Stories that need to be appreciated Blake Lively star of Garth gossip girl tells it tells that I want my kids to be tranny

Yeah, it seems like she is being offensive. Yeah I want my kids to be tranny makes it seem like she is being offensive. Yeah, oh that was printed those in print Yeah, with her picture smiling big. This is an old one. It's so old. That's the thing like that was just how better be tranny's Yeah, oh yeah, that was I don't think Blake lives a bad person That's just how we talked if you were a guy who ever had anything and girls What's yours? What are you a tranny? Oh? Yeah Did you one of my favorite? Girls what you're like what are you a tranny or a tranny? Yeah? Yeah? Did you one of my favorite? Celeb quotes is an interview with a

Demi Lovato and the interviewer was like so what's your favorite dish, and she said mug Still wouldn't be an appropriate answer. It's not a dish. It's not a dish, but it is if we're counting. I think you'd say, if I said put away the dishes and there was a mug there, would you put away the mug? Yes. Yeah, I think so.

Look at that face. That's fair. The dish. My favorite dish. I like mugs. She was quick with it. The dish my favorite dish I like mugs She was quick with it Well speaking of like trans and beating trans

Are we talking about beating training? So I read up on Ernest Hemingway. He lived He's from around here. He's from Oak Park. He left. He hated Toronto. He said it was too prude, but really, he preferred Paris. So, I mean, which is like Cuba, what might have been his favorite. He also had a billion wives, did he? So I could not have been more wrong about

Ernest Hemingway my entire life. I just assumed he was like this studious permanently elderly recluse who just churned out books like in the mountains or something. Yeah. This man has lived. Yeah. You guys know this. I read Farewell to Arms which is like I think about World War I and he was an ambulance driver now. He was a lot of things. Oh. So he was like a four sport athlete He was on the football team. He was a boxer He ran track he desperately wanted to shoot both of his parents On the water polo team he wanted to kill his parents. Yes, so his mom Grace was like you're a chick

Not like a trans chick. You're a cis chick What yeah, you're a chick. I'm gonna dress you like a chick. Not like a trans chick. You're a cis chick. What? Yeah, you're a chick. I'm going to dress you like a chick. I'm going to cut your hair like a girl. In fact, you're your sister's, your older sister's twin sister now.

Yeah. And she would sincerely refer to him as Dutch Dolly. Dutch Dolly. And he earnestly rejected that name. He spent a lifetime hating her guts. I think that's fair Yeah, so we had it so why do you hate his dad? I guess same reason went to shoot his dad I forget why but his dad shot himself dad killed himself Yeah, beat him to a star

Mm-hmm and after He graduated high school he worked in Kansas City as a reporter. Then he went to war torn Italy during World War I to be an ambulance driver for the Red Cross. So his first day on the job, he goes to Milan, he's assigned to an explosion site. That's the last assignment I'd ever won. At a munitions factory to quote unquote unquote retrieve the shredded remains of female body parts day one day one one he's scavenging for

nuns he has kneecap Giovanna's armpit Carmelitas dimples Picking up dimples and they're like the community service Sharp thing and he's picking up dimples Fabrizio's pussy he probably has to like hand like give like show them to the loved ones This was all that was recovered. I'm so sorry Figlio is that my sweet Fabrizio's for felina

Damn that's an awful first day. Hey, you know that Ernest kid was touching up on your guma's pussy. Yeah, when he was cleaning up that munitions factory. Yeah, he put her favelina right in his trouser pocket. Saves it for later. I swear to Christ if that Hemingway queer laid a finger on my Bambina's butchie galoop. I'll put his arms where his legs are So that's a hypothetical In this situation the Italians are modern Jersey

Picking up body parts day one 18 years years old, and then after that, he was assigned to bring chocolates and cigarettes to the soldiers on the front line. Huh. That's the most European shit I've ever heard. Yeah. And then the first day he did that, he was, he got blasted by mortar fire.

Almost lost his legs, and then just stumbled into being a war hero, like having to save other soldiers. So now he's fucked up, his legs might need amputated. And then he, there's so much to it, dude. Keep going, I'm interested. He's like, he falls in love with his nurse, and he gets his heart desperately, or he gets his heart broken, fucks off,

moves back to America, spends some time in the wilderness of the Upper Peninsula, goes back to, goes to Toronto to work for the newspaper, then goes back to Chicago, falls in love, gets married, has a kid, moves to Paris, writes 88 stories, becomes best friends with- F. Scott Fitzgerald. F. Scott, that's in Toronto.

Oh, okay. Pablo Picasso, Gertrude Stein, then becomes enemies stories, becomes best friends with F. Scott Fitzgerald. That's in Toronto. Okay. Pablo Picasso, Gertrude Stein, then becomes enemies with them and then moves back to Toronto. How did he become enemies with Pablo Picasso? I don't know, I'm reading this, he went on alcoholic sprees with James Joyce in Paris, goes back to Toronto, becomes best friends with F. Scott Fitzgerald, becomes enemies

with F. Scott Fitzgerald. Then he becomes obsessed with bullfighting and keeps traveling to Pamplona. And then he covers the Turkish-Greco war and witnesses genocide firsthand. And I'm reading all this in Wikipedia, and I'm like, the next sentence is like, and later that year, just days after his 21st birthday.

What? What? He's 21? How the fuck? So, quite the story I didn't even, that's where I left off and I'm sure there's a lot more His dad killed himself, his sister killed himself

and his mom killed herself I believe and then he killed himself He was also the king of getting maimed He got fucked up He was a big game hunter in Cuba. Yeah, there's so much interesting guy his I remember his boat He did uh in World War two they had u-boats right like the submarines I read that he got his His like fishing vessel or his like his boat that he owned his privately and they had these kind of boats where they would Put fake munitions on them to lure

You boats in and then they would like fire on them like Civilian boats really did that he so he did that too. Yeah, you're a writer He got yeah, you're an author. Yeah, he contracted anthrax, which I thought was a weapon I thought that was a weapon the only person that ever lived through anthrax Authors are supposed to be weenies. Yeah. Yes, but not back back then they were frontier. I guess they were Yeah, yeah, you're right and like he loved hunting big game Then he moved to Idaho and I think he had a condition where there's too much iron in his tissues of his body and that drove Him mad and he shot himself with his favorite gun. Oh, yeah, so I didn't even know he committed suicide

Yeah, he killed so much on the Wikipedia, but he shot himself in his favorite gun. Hell yeah. So I didn't even know he committed suicide. Too much on the Wikipedia. But he shot himself in the head. On the Wikipedia, I believe it says blew his brains out. Which is way, like that's worse. What? I don't know. I'm just reacting appropriately.

And so his statue in Idaho is just his head like on a pillar. Jesus. He hated Idaho too. He said it doesn't compare to Cuba. Yeah Yeah Fair yeah, it doesn't Jesus are you keen on his prose the way he writes is interesting It's like a ADHD like very short sentences choppy. It's really I've only read farewell to arms I'm not pretending to be like some master of this But it was it was interesting and jarring to read a lot of ands like a lot of sentences will be the length of a page

But like I think by design He was on party was the yeah, he's probably stubborn He didn't want to end the piece He's so masculine he won't end his sentence Periods are for women Dude I used to feel that way about question marks, but periods I'm talking about about the cycle Question marks are feminine I in text I used to never use question marks. I was like damn That's pretty fucking day. It's too curvy There was a there was like a masculine question mark that was spiky as shit

I would use that I would be I would be inquisitive as fuck. Yeah, I'd be curious as a cat Damn I was fun to learn and I't even, like that was chapter one. Yeah, 21 years old. I got so much, I'm very interested in this man. And now like as- Are you gonna read one of his books? Probably not. Farewell to Arms is about that Italian front.

Oh, he wrote Otto Blake, not in French. No, no, it wasn't him, it was based off of him. Maybe I'll get into that. I'm like so into history now, it's weird. It's weird how that happens. I never was as a kid. Are you into history? Are you into his plane crashes? No. He crashed planes? No, he was in back-to-back plane crashes. Wait, Ernest Hemingway?

He was in back-to-back plane crashes. No. Two weeks later he turned 19 He was he was in Africa. What? I didn't get to that part. He was in Africa. Is this your favorite guy? I love Ernest He looks like a slob with that blockhead He was in Africa looking at the Congo Yeah Yeah, the first plane crashed They got all fucked up and then they're in they're like camping and like trying to recover from their injuries and then

Rationing their whiskey She's like you're the one making the account of what happened. Yeah, I guess you're the writer crashed into the water by the way It was filled with alligators. I guess so he was gonna fact-check me on this Yeah, yeah, but the plane that rescued them Then crashed that's really bad luck Goodness and in the second one it lit on fire, and he had to like punch his way out with his head Is that the word Better word to choose I got half way through the sentence and remembered that he used his head. Is that the word? There's got to be a better word to choose. I got halfway

through the sentence and remembered that he used his head. Oh, that's what it said. It said he, he, he had one of those. We should just have this in earnest Hemingway podcast. We have enough material. Oh my God. Yeah. Like, does he have like a fat head. I'm gonna get a poster Your head oh my god, he's cool. He probably was He did way too much cool shit to be good to women Anyone who head butts their way out of a situation is not a good guy to go Yeah, he shrugged off the crashes he was carrying a bunch of bananas and a bottle of gin It sounds like a dog song. Oh my god

fucking Hemingway the man I Had to shoot my first lion with a borrowed 256 man man liquor Making a gun and calling it a man Trigger finger with a man No way I'm touching that no way. I'm cocking a man liquor I'd rather be dead Wow that's that was a fun little while walk. I don't know if anybody can compare. Yeah, it's like Jeff Perlman isn't doing that shit Don't even know who's a

Who's a who's a hip male author now like up like up and coming do we still have those we have to right? Well, like it's just a different different thing now Yeah, it's like celebrities. No, no. No, it's like like fantasy authors are big Yeah, George R. R Martin Brandon Sanderson. They're not who's like the but in their prime, but back then it was like Capote Like was investigating like that crime scenes the clutter family Jack Kerouac Mm-hmm the kid who died in Alaska the end of the wild was he an author no that was oh, I thought he wrote them No, no crack our wrote that yeah Stephen King yeah, Stephen King's a huge pussy

Yeah, so There's no like now nobody should love Maine that much Fuck you, dude Dean Coons his hair. Yeah, we brought up his hair before that's who that's who he that's Hemingway's competition Yeah, Dean Coots Yeah That's unanimous Dean's competition. Yeah, Dean Coots. Yeah That's unanimous Dean Coots is fucking hair It's not it can't be real No That's gonna be me after turkey. Oh, yeah, dude. You're going to Turkey. Yeah

Yeah, is the scalp his scalp is is so I didn't think it was that bad and then the drone got introduced the situation So well he was wet and a drone flew over his head two things the only two things you couldn't have happened collaboration Drone fly by head drone fly by from directly above my head at high noon bad you had introduced the Hemingway topic as like a

trans topic I believe you said oh yeah cause he was raised trans pretty much like your trans whether you like it or not he just didn't I have a second trans topic I watched Will and Harper the other day that's will ferro and his trans friend Yes, Harper steel. Yeah

New show Netflix Netflix my travel I travel the country with my trans friend, and it's honestly It's I'm not a big fan of movies or shit movies like this like I just don't really care about people that much Yeah, so like one my one takeaway is like okay trans people are boring too That much yeah, so like one my one takeaway is like okay trans people are boring too But it was they traveled through America, and it's actually pretty nice like everywhere They go everyone's I heard they go to the deep south and people were expecting Like it's almost like when Borat was like in the south and like shit in a bag. Yeah, it was like well that God bless you Yeah, it was nice. They went to like a rodeo and a Harper. I feel like being next to Will Ferrell helps.

Will Ferrell being there helps with a huge camera crew. I'm gonna commit this crime around a camera crew and Will Ferrell. A camera crew too. You'd have to hate trans people so much. Yeah. But the part that was crazy to me is Will Ferrell keeps dressing up what do you mean in costume?

Like he's going out to dinner with his trans friend and will foul dresses like Sherlock Holmes That's kind of demeaning, right? I was like, if you're doing it, I'm doing it. The one thing I wouldn't do if my trans friend asked me to go out to dinner with them is dress up in Halloween costumes. Or I guess we're all doing Halloween. If you're playing pretend, I am too. They're at this Texas steakhouse, and this is the only place that they said they had bad vibes. And I was like, well, it's like cuz will was in a Sherlock Why are we getting looks, but they like so it starts with him having to eat like a 72

Oh, there is a Sherlock And then so then so he goes out and he's like on stage and I'm like the the And then, so he goes out and he's like on stage and he's making an announcement. So anyways, you have to eat a 72 on stake in an hour. Oh, it's that big Texas place. Exactly. And I guess they put you on a stage to eat this and start the clock. And he's doing like a big Sherlock Holmes, like, I'm Sherlock Holmes from London. And like his trans friend Harper's just sitting there like, what the fuck?

And then it kind of hard cuts to them in the car next morning Will Ferrell's crying like And then they get to Vegas and he does it again I'm sorry I keep doing How much he needs attention Yeah, it was though. I like will farrow. I love his movies I I've always been like I can see him being a lot in person yeah, and he Showed through in the movie, but like he's a dress like Sherlock Holmes, and then he cries and apologizes. Oh, there's look there is walking on stage But then the headlines bullshit gets awkward reaction yes

Wait so this is like documentary style. Yeah, yeah, yeah I'm not like playing characters. No fictional fictional care no Harper Steele is Formally dead named however you say it Andrew Steele who was the head writer of SNL And that's where they became friends, and they've been life. He actually says got in this start of it He's like if you've ever wondered why did will ferrell do that the answers answers Andrew Steele He's like if you're wondering why I did shitty beer commercials in random cities in America You're wondering why did a full movie in Spanish like these were all Andrew Steeles ideas

And so they go on this road trip to kind of like figure out their friendship like figure out what it's like now You know they they're still best friends Well just figuring out how to navigate it and then they get to Vegas after he's cried and apologized for Sherlock Holmes And he comes out in Vegas with a Fu Manchu Like like After he's cried and apologized for Sherlock Holmes and he comes out in Vegas with a Fu Manchu So costumed Apologetic because like hey, this is kind of of demeaning toward you being trans that I'm dressing up like this? I don't think he got it. But like the whole thing about being trans, like we're not dressing up. This is the real me.

It was great. When he did it the second time, I was like, you gotta be fucking with me. You gotta stop doing this. You cried yesterday. Oh, it's to prevent them from receiving celebrity treatment 20 fucking HD 4k cameras around you oh Fuck that cipher attention away from seal steel that draw so what yeah him. Oh, that's absurd that is that is just Yeah, he's trying to honestly Kyle. I was trans you'd get jealous right? Yeah, I would have to you know dress up like an elf Or we're still it's to take the heat off me

There's you're not gonna be in trouble surrounded by a camera crew right and will fare I Wouldn't be like oh I can't believe there was a trans person at dinner I'll be like there was will fucking fair you know everyone knew it was well fair yeah that was really uncomfortable I didn't I didn't want to eat this is yes you know I have to watch this I feel like I let you down in that moment I was like oh shit. We got to worry about half just Harper safety like dude you were dressed like no you don't

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Do not claim to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease and have not been evaluated or proved by the FDA. That's crazy. Do you ever see the like compilations like, is this actor an asshole or very kind? Yes. On TikTok?ck and yeah, will ferro's unfortunately and always in the asshole category. I haven't seen what's the compilation It's like you have to guess it's like a game you play on tick-tock. It's like a automatic slideshow. It's like Asshole or nice, okay, and then it'll change and also asshole Oh see how this person treats like regular people and they have evidence of it

Or there's a story here. Oh, no, it's tick-tock true, but It seems like Keanu Reeves obviously nice. Yeah Bill Murray obviously asshole. Mm-hmm. I didn't like Christian Bale being an ass. That's so obvious You think there was a on a on a Terminator movie. He was in he was berating the staff Oh, I never saw I've seen that I feel like those always get played out like words again He got mad at work today could have been one. Yeah, like Barstool fans

Dude every time I go with fights he tells the hostess no pictures Fuck alone dude every time I go with fights. He tells the hostess no pictures Calls ahead shares bars. I show up with my own bags. I get everyone's phone put it in the bag Sure disguise You should have a character I've played before Yeah right! Fuck off! Right. Is that Will Ferrell or is that a man that looks just like Will Ferrell in a Ron Burgundy costume? He's Ben Sherlock Holmes! Yeah right! What an asshole!

I have a bone to pick with Whole Foods dude, pretty though. I'm I'm a nervous Nelly. I think you guys know that and I was in Chicago here shopping and a lot of people in grocery stores And I hate going to grocery stores as is I get nervous in grocery stores cuz I never remember what I want to get I'm trying to get in and out. It's always crowded. There's too many people in the aisle to skip it. I'm awful at grocery stores, too I have to Google like what aisle is baking soda. Well, I don't know where anything is No, you walk around. No, no, I hate that and a

Nervous voice came over the intercom and they're like, hey, we have a code green And it's like a trembling voice. We have a code green like a please Just and they little break back on code green code green. I'm like what the fuck is code green So I google it and I go to the whole food subreddit. It means that they have to take the garbage out Fuck that so hard. That's great. I was nervous as shit like an active shooter. And a trembling voice. Code followed by a color. Code color is bad.

Green maybe, green is the definitely the highest. But you feel like they would say, they would even like code green to like soften whatever, to stop mass panic. Yeah, you don't say code. You don't say code. Or you could say garbage. We do produce trash here. Yes. We are an establishment that has people work with yes It means take the garbage out fuck whole foods one time I was at Whole Foods is back rather than Boston still and I saw my drug dealer there

Oh, and I was like living a healthy lifestyle. I think he's overcharging Drug dealer shopping at Whole Foods I think he's overcharging What's the etiquette for seeing your drug dealer in public I said I yeah Yeah, he used to come in all the time he'd come in and he'd crack a beer and you'd have like three sips And it was always bothering me like just say no or oh you'd offer a beer. Oh, he would come in. Oh, that's weird. Yeah Was he with never mind? What I don't know. I don't I don't know drug dealer. I don't know You know I was actually I never had a drug dealer. I've had a couple the Yeah, but I was thinking earlier how weird it is I lived with one my first year in New York when I was 21 what kind of drugs weed, but it's so funny

It's weird to think like that. Yeah, like yeah, I had my he just sold weed, but it was like like our Coffee table like lifted up, and it was just full of weed in there I know the whole house the whole apartment always stunk like how does that work? How does he who's he get it from? Great question yeah, were you never you just brought it home? Yeah, okay be like a coffee table full of weed I don't know how it got there. Okay. Well. I lived there for like six months, so he never needed a refill Yeah But it's funny be like I live with a drug deal like now that sounds so much harsher than it was like he sold weed

To like people yeah, that's not it's not but back then that's scary Yeah, like I didn't have a drug dealer, but I've in a like you know my friends would have people yeah I was always so nervous Nervous with the coke dealers are scary still. Yeah, go do this here. So one time I asked a drug dealer Could you get me steroids? He was just like what? Coca's like I don't know who else to ask man I don't know where else I'm supposed to go. Yeah, wait, where do you get steroids? You did a cycle, right?

I honestly don't even remember. My first time I ever did a cycle, I was like in college. And I must have just been from a friend. I did Anivar. Which is, the only reason I remember the name of it is because Google Georgia cheerleader steroids. You were doing cheerleader steroids? It's actually for people with AIDS so they don't lose muscle mass. Oh But this check it check the images so good stuff. She's got She was barf I only

Because of her oh my god, she was throwing those girls up out of the state And then I did wind straw I just got on the dark web mm-hmm she is jacked I don't know what the dark web is either I website I didn't fascinated by it someone else got it for me someone else who used to work here you can buy guess who is I might live with them he just but we got to deliver to the office in Milton because we didn't want to get delivered to our address in case the police brought it. Okay, Marco was doing steroids And we were like if it gets delivered to the office We can pretend that someone ordered it to the office and we didn't have anything to do with it because that's a felony

Correct if you get caught and they do catch people I would think so yeah, yeah, we got it from Russia I believe whoa Russian Winnie, baby. Yeah. Yeah, was it awesome it works Yeah, I always say when I like I saw what about your sense of self-preservation. You're injecting something into you no Okay, never still that is that scares the fuck out of me what taking a Russian dark web pill? Yeah, I just didn't even think about it. Did you think there was a chance you'd die? I? Honestly didn't even think about it wow yeah, think there was a chance you'd die? I honestly didn't even think about it Wow, yeah, but why did you want to be jacked? We were I think I think we were getting ready for Fagawa or something like some

You got to be ripped at the Nantucket sail Is this a strongman competition or a music festival? No, it's. It is a sailing race Literally just a party and I think in our heads We were like it's summer cuz it's it's more of a weekend, but like summer of more of a weekend in Nantucket It's like 50 fuck that would have the whole time the pitch between you two Deciding to do steroids for a sailing race in Nantucket has to be in the history books the douchiest conversation Steroids for a sailing race to watch No watches it you just go drink there's It was it's kind of long did it was it your idea were you convinced?

I wasn't convinced about how long how long how long did the pitch take you to agree zero seconds? Did you think it was a sick idea? Yeah? I'm on his side on that one. Yeah, dude your proof that people can change I don't see that from you at all at the What the juice just like wanting to get blackout at a staling shit like were you were you trying to pussy? No, okay never Were you you were never a hound no I? Hound's hounds always bothered me. Yeah, I don't like all the roommate was a hound there was one time

It bothered me so much weird. He was always like big He's always one of the guys like yo yo yo hot girl hot girl hot girl don't like that and one time He were doing it with driving down like probably West Tennessee Street in Tallahassee, and he's like yo hot chick on a hot chick hot chick hot chick And we got there There's just a guy with long hair and I was like dude just wait That's when you need to stop your positive of the sex don't say hot girl yet. It's not necessary It's also hard to respond to that when someone does that yeah, yeah, like no words like yeah high five

Like yeah, what do you do? Rudy can I talk about it what Tommy smokes is like that? Oh, yeah? He's out Tommy smokes is a hound yeah, and at the bar stool bar for trivia a girl walked by that and Tommy goes She's like probably the distance between me and fights away. And Tommy looks her up and down, not ocularly, scolularly. He goes head up and down and goes, holy fucking shit. Not in a whisper. Not in a whisper.

And he like back of hand double pats Rudy. That was Rudy's girl. Tommy didn't know. And I was like, do you know that? He's like, wait, what? How uncomfortable would that be? I don't like pussy hounds and I don't like sexcapade braggarts. Don't tell me if you got pussy.

Oh, don't tell me about fucking, unless it's funny. Unless it's funny. Unless, oh, I fucked her good last night. I don't give a fuck. Only tell me if you fuck poorly Yeah, like if something awful happened. Yeah, I'd love to hear the story if you just like had good sex. I could care less Dude, I fucking wailed last Like okay, I'm proud of you. It's so bad. She's so lucky

Successful I wish I was her Unless it's like a Russian dude Russian dudes will like they'll just meet you and show you like a picture of a girl He's fucking he's like tits And like before you get his name yeah, that was the first time we met rear admiral what he showed you did showed us his vasectomy A video of his vasectomy no like in pictures. He's like it was like he's like hey, what's up? What's up fights? I'm all right. I got a vasectomy yesterday It was like he's like hey, what's up? What's up fights? I'm alright. I got a vasectomy yesterday That is a harrowing sight I bet that's the worst angle just nails like your grandmother Jesus Christ have you ever seen your asshole like one time when I was like seven

Like a fun house Honest to God kind of You bump into him at Whole Foods At the olive bar Dude, I was I was my our house was getting an addition put on so we live on my grandfather for like Three months, and I was up in the attic and the attic had like I was probably a little old like a little curious And it was just like one of those you know those the closet but with glass doors that slide and

And I would do this thing where I'd put it between my legs I would lift it up those look like you're floating it would look like I'm floating and then No, no, but that that's how it started me playing with this mirror, and then and then like one night I was like what are my asshole looks like? It's not like an accident. No that was no accident. I wonder what bent over in front of it Yeah, don't need to see that again Seven is too young like at that point you probably have never seen an asshole surely right definitely not no Well, it was probably like to the first asshole. You saw yours first asshole. I saw, I would guess, yeah. First spread asshole I saw.

Hahahaha Everybody remembers their first spread ass. Hahahaha Hahahaha Actually, mine was probably mine too. Yeah, I think mine, 100% has to be. Kyle?

How old were you when you were? I don't think. Probably like- I had a hemorrhoid senior year. 14 or 15 I guess. 14 or 15? I don't know. That's something I've given so little thought to. I forget I have it.

Yeah. You had a hemorrhoid? Multiple. Really? Yeah. Can I say something about hemorrhoids that I just- I was talking to my buddy- Yeah dude, this is an open forum. You're not going to offend me.

No dude, no. I was talking to my buddy's dad at a wedding this past weekend, and I was like hey, Mr Whatever, how you been and he's like you know he's like the fun dad kind of deal And he's like I have a bed at Feinberg got a bunch of hemorrhoids. I was like oh shit Yeah, like what's that like I've never heard of that or had that and he goes I'll just say this when I'm wet wipe my ass. It feels like I'm shaking someone's hand It's just like dangly appendages I get it now. I had four like I do like it's so perfectly descriptive like I do get it now

Yeah, I have four at once and I had to look at my asshole and it looked like there's like stress balls that have the netting I have four at once and I had to look at my asshole and it looked like there's like stress balls that have the netting on the outside What the fuck? And I knew I had it, but I was too embarrassed and I was a senior in high school I was too embarrassed you had to sit on like a donut, so I would just sit on them raw Yeah, you're very ass conscious. Do you get them like, are they like lasered off or they- No, no they- mine they-

They pulverize them? No, you can either get them lanced Or you I got rubber bands around mine to kill them off. Oh, yes medieval as fuck They put these little rubber bands around it so like very cool. Do not it look like yeah I look like when a chick comes back from like Barbados Yeah, I got this I was down in the my ass was on island Yeah bad I

Got a this day in history. Oh cool. Yeah, I saw you looking at it like an old-ass newspaper Yeah, so I came across something different this time. I discovered the New York Times archive which is where they have all of their newspapers from like the 1800s and so I went back a hundred years 1924 October 3rd and I tried reading that newspaper and it was hard as fuck to read because they don't digitize it So it's just a photocopy PDF of the newspaper itself. Yeah, the script is nearly impossible. You can't search big What do they call those? They're really cool. Those machines that have the screen you can like yeah

Yeah, anyways, so I just look for something interesting and the most interesting headline was I want you to try to guess this is a hundred years ago Mouse dark and I want you to try to guess this was a hundred years ago. Mm-hmm Mouse dark and I want you to guess what it's about. Okay, so the headline is mouse darkens half a city a mouse ate through a wire Warm warm is it a fictional mouse it is not mouse darkens Did it walk onto like a subway track and short-circ in the neighborhood? That's pretty much it. What is it? So a mouse in an electric factory in France, an electric factory. Yeah.

Like an electric power plant, I suppose they weren't the sentences are weird as fuck too. That's how they describe barstool employees. Was this in banana land? An electric factory in banana land. Dave just talks like an old timey newspaper. But it got stuck in a piece of machinery and it caused it to short circuit. The foreman said, what are we doing here? What are we even doing here?

And then it caused a huge fire and it was like this weird cascading effect where the turbine then Short-circuited because of this one little mouse and then that caught on fire and then the factory caught on fire And then something else caught on fire. Oh it caused a smoke show it was So but I was trying to figure out like how the fuck did they know that that was a mouse's fault and also it's Super French of that to happen like only in France with a mouse. Yeah fuck around like that That's like kind of like the history we're talking about with like Hemingway where it's like That's probably like some some guy. Yes Some French

That's like all history is just someone blaming some inanimate thing I mean back then there was no camp you could just earnest Hemingway might have been a pussy Yeah, he might have been he was just a good writer Yeah, cuz they're like no one knew what he was doing in Africa No camera with the running cameras cameras but not in Africa yeah You are under arrest How'd you know they just out like a nice ass screen. A real nice screen. We have ring cams. It's like I got on a ring cam in the Congo. Wakanda forever. Yeah, I was picturing also just a French dude like seeing a mouse go near it and being like, nooooo.

Have you been gambling fights? Have I been gambling? Yeah. Go near it being like no Even gambling fights have I've been gambling yeah I'm fucking so I'm crushing stool Viber. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah the the anytime touchdown. Yeah, I was out the first Thursday of football What's the prize? $50,000 bet I would have handled that a little bit better you had the T Higgins bonus bet right I the T Higgins bonus that did not hit But yeah, that's about it. I'll do a couple like touchdown bets, and I'll usually bet the Pats game You win like $5,000 light a weekend, so I was trying this the first touchdown parlay which is dumb That is a filthy move Parlay first touchdowns and like if you do it, you gotta sprinkle in a bunch.

Yeah. But you can't just like trust one. That's never gonna happen. But it's a huge risk. And I finally hit two, which, five grand. Nice. Yeah. Very nice. You have any parlays?

Of course. What you got? What do you got? I got some parlays. Rudy? I have a couple there dog shit oh Yeah, I'm running out of players to bet I Have a parley I like to call Jackie Kennedy asking the doctor where her husband was hit and

That's Indy temple no more head and that's Colts money line temple money line and more had to lose Yeah, what else do I I also have a What you say when you see your favorite cub slugger for the first time in 25 years, and that's Samuel Sammy Brighton former skin and that's Debo Samuel Brighton money former skin. And that's Deebo Samuel, Brighton Moneyline. And former redskin Terry McCorren. Former black man, Sammy Sosa. Former black man, Sammy Sosa. Born black.

Is he's Dominican, right? Gotta be. I also have, I sure am glad I got that China tutor for my boy. This is WNBA parlay. Okay. Son, aces Asia. I sure am glad I got that China tutor for my boy. This is WMBA parlay, okay? son aces Asia Connecticut's son the Vegas Aces money line Asia will be leading score

I'm really struggling though. They're hard to come out how long does this take when I don't want to say no no I don't want to say you just go like Do you do you cut go what comes first? You never know or it's like a one player You like look through the names like the list of NFL players, and then what can I do with that name? Yeah, and then you're looking for a specific joke to work And then you see another name that might work, and then you go down that oh yeah We're making up players now so like these dudes are submitting themselves. These are the dudes that listen to our pod, man. I love them. This is...

Hey. Hey. Hey. Wow. What's the lighting? The lighting of the gun hole. He's in Blade Runner. I love it.

I love it. I love these boys. Do we name them yet? Did you make, you have a guy yeah? Catalog cigarettes senior okay, which one is that on the left? Why did you make his first name catalog look? That's a cool football player name? Yeah, that's pretty fucking good. Yeah, yeah the boys some yeah as our boys man. Yeah Yeah, yeah the boys some yeah as our boys man. Yeah

That's a butch McFadden QB one he said okay, but okay, okay? Is he on Easter Island? That's a mini golf course I was like that's probably not real He's that fucking rain forest oh shit. He's in the Amazon What do you have Kyle off a tail see what I got I got a I got a three-legged in the Bucks Falcons game What you got Drake? And that's it the biracial playa named Drake We already saw black shafts, and I'll look for him to expose white head

Jordan white head the safety for the box in the end Single bet Drake London. I love I love when a three three leg parlay has just one guy. It's like much safer that Trying to sell kids weed at a bar mitzvah. This is a college football parlay, Okay. Are you temple miners blazers? It's Rutgers University Temple UTEP miners. UAB blazers. I ought to cover the spread. I think they will. I got a field goal parlay called the Terrible Twos or the Terrible Slutty Twos.

It's Moody Little Young hoe over one and a half Can't let old Jake Moody young way cool Fights power ranking Pittsburgh Penguins privates Mario D over Crosby Sack laughter Demario Douglas over 2 and a half receptions Max Crosby for 1 plus laughter What was that one called again? Fights power ranking penguins privates laughter That's actually in the book What was that one called again? Fights power ranking penguins privates.

That's actually in the book. That's actually on DraftKings. Graphic will be there. I was trying to do something with, there's a guy named Overshone who gets sacks like Overshone sack. Yeah, I've been trying really hard like I don't know it's yeah It's it's it's it's I've like I was trying to do like religious facial hair Mormon go tea DJ more Jonathan mingo tea horns Mormon go more mingo tea mm-hmm, but I can't that's good Combining the two is crazy. It's hard Yeah, I was trying to get a P. Diddy one going with just cam little oh

Yeah, just trying to like sneaking cams dude. Have you seen the 250 people have accused him now? Yeah Not a good guy down to nine years old not a great guy. Yeah, yeah, we forget that he is absolutely heinous Yeah, I feel like the baby oil story was his camp getting that out there to distract Yes, I was joking about it. Yeah, we're just making fun of him fucking meek mill No, the the we thought I think we thought about that one can a meek man get ass fucked I Think you have to drop Meek. He's no longer Meek. Yeah, just Mill.

Like P. Diddy, like I was reading his Wikipedia page and he's been crazy forever. Yeah. Like he did like, he had like a, he threw a party in New York City at like a college gymnasium and like the people got trampled, like several people got trampled to death in the crowd Really? Yeah, and you just like oh that was nothing

Jesus it's like a Dothraki wedding Topical Yeah, okay Yeah, I'm fascinated by crowd crush the phenomenon. It's yeah, it's awful Concerts in India scariest thing in the world has happened at like on the hajj for like the Mecca retreat Yeah, it's when the crowds get so tight you suffocate Battle the bastards. Yeah, that's that they said that was a really good representation of it So when everyone starts starts to flee like you don't have any control of your body and you move like in this fluid motion Until everyone until you move like in this fluid motion until everyone until

you reach like a blockade yeah at the front then everyone just suffocates on top of each other to death pretty much that was people were worried about that what was Astro world oh people did die yeah more recently conquer calf that was the soccer tournament soccer in Miami in Miami dead like they couldn't get anyone in and people were like rushing it I think some was someone was like video and being like I think crowd crush is happening down here Whatever it sucks, and the most morbid one is the nightclub in Rhode Island. Yeah, also caught on fire station. Yeah This is my it's What's called?

It's right down the street from my house really I grew up fucked Yeah, that gives me the PBGB's yeah, that's that's horrifying mm-hmm Yeah, luckily. We'll never have to worry about that at any of our shows No, no no no no that way that should be an advertising point you won't go yeah, yeah We promise you a crowd crush free You'll live You'll wish yeah, we promise you a crowd crush free You'll live yeah You'll wish you didn't but you will

Man Anything else Rudy? Oh, yeah, you have any bets. I don't even the years were funny mine aren't I don't want to say Dude, it's getting impossible. Yeah, this is trying. I had like a jackal at Patronus That's funny. Yeah, thank you It's Harry's one plus Ron sister equals a hairy son. They call him jr. Jesus Bleed and then Ron's favorite rapper was Cameron with Hermione he used to play it while he dicked her I love you. Just making them overly sexual Harry yours can only be really over. Yeah, well. I just I got stuck I this is all this was all I just

Fiction he's right yeah, Dobby gets the sock and puts it over his giant robbing cock. He's a horny elf Dobby's a horny elf It's just cuz I saw Cameron Voldemort's face was on on professor Quirrell's cock instead of the back of his head And then I tried to do one called big black power Didn't really get far. How do you know I just have the name? Keon Coleman and Ronnie Rivers just Ronnie Coleman. There's no joke Good logo I used to wear a big black t-shirt and backwards be

Yeah, who's the man rest in peace? Yeah, it didn't didn't big baller brand just take that logo and add another B. There was no backwards B There's were just three right in a row. Okay? Yeah, I'm surprised. He never got hired by Barstool who the dad I could see that yeah, they just kind of you went quiet disappeared. Yeah Lonzo's hurt mellows good, but he's knocked up a fucking old bitch What he's a dirty go-kart? I think 35. Yeah, I was go-kart on his roof Living life not much to say Not much to say

Moot can't Sleep will be out tonight if you're listening in the day this comes out and we're on it. Yes, watch the stream, call in, talk to Nick BKB. Watch it every Monday and Thursday. It's been killing it. Simple as that. Thank you. It's been fun. Shout out to everyone that's tuned in. And then we have the Out of Order tour. Is that sold sold out I think Chicago solicit. It's okay. Yeah, Chicago And then mook, and I have a little some shows coming out. Yeah, where you guys got it Pittsburgh Raleigh and Austin Mothership mothership No, dude, I'm probably doing like the chilis Parking lot easily for free really

That's great. Yeah, Raleigh Austin you're doing how long third thirty minutes. Yeah, well thirty piece. Yeah, Pittsburgh at Steamboat Willie's that was called who knows Probably at fucking what's that? It's a big restaurant in Pittsburgh per Manny Bros. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But we do have a mostly anus live show coming up as well in November. God damn. Now we have to have a lot coming up. Do you going to be on stage a lot? Yeah.

That'll be fun. All right. All right. God bless you. God bless.