A New Untold Story - Halloween Crews feat. Feits & Kenjac - A New Untold Story: Ep. 315

Episode Date: October 27, 2022

Feits and Kenjac join the show to draft their Halloween Crews, we get an update on the poop experiment, KB recaps another one of his worst mornings ever, and more. Ads: Gametime Download the Gametime app at https://barstool.link/GametimeApp and redeem code UNTOLD for $20 off your first purchase (terms apply). SoCo Learn more at https://barstool.link/SouthernComfortBSS Ridge Wallet Go to https://barstool.link/RidgeBSS and use the code UNTOLD for 10% off your order Betterhelp Go to https://barstool.link/BHStory for 10% off your first monthYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, A New Untold Story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad-free on Amazon Music. A new untold story. It's a fresh, big untold story. A new untold story. Welcome back to A New Untold Story, our Halloween special. It's another fictional cruise. But before we get to that, let's talk about GameTime. It's a ticketing app where you can get tickets.

You can get them for 20% off if you use code UNTOLD. $20 off, I'm sorry. Download the GameTime app, go to the account tab, create a login. Kyle, what did you use GameTime to go see? I saw the best U.S. Open match of all time. Yeah. You were there until 3 a.m. Francis Tiago versus Alcaraz.

I was at that match. You were there? I was there. Thanks to GameTime. That was an awesome match. GameTime is an app created by fans for fans. Good call. That's right.

The people at game time have interests outside of them themselves they they root for things they enjoy things kyle you uh i don't want to we don't really talk about personal shit on here you just signed a contract extension the first person you text was me and you said i'm about to start dressing like a douchebag so congrats man said a complete dickhead yeah a complete dickhead a complete dickhead so everybody keep keep your eyes out for that um you you did too and you've it's not about me yeah uh so let's start off with the news we focused on our fictional cruise a lot so i only have like four news jokes to do um and they're all bad so i've focused on my

fictional cruise a lot so i have no no news how much you guys focus on the cruises has me very concerned no no no it's okay i'm so nervous about this i don't i get so nervous coming on this podcast don't don't don't don't be at all don't be at all all. So the glossary for what's no not glossary table of contents for today is news. And then we're doing a poop experiment update. It's gone awry. And do you know about the poop experiment? We don't. OK.

And then KB, if you guys remember a few episodes back, KB had the worst morning of all time where he went to the gym but forgot his headphones, went to buy headphones and got sprayed by sentiment sediment by the street sweeper. And then the street sweeper driver tweeted him and said, KB, sorry for the sediment. Yeah, no, I had a similar experience. OK, again, I'm not trying to like draw it out into a saga or an epic or even like a crazy story. It just happened. And maybe I'll recount it. I think you should recount it because I'm very curious. But that's and then fictional cruise with feidelberg and uh as always ken jack

for these uh but first let's get into the news where'd that come from yep there we go um only four this week so i'm sorry did you guys see this I guess I should say it first. Brittany Griner to carry out a nine-year sentence. Nine-year sentence. Women really do never stop talking. Thank you, guys. So that's a real run-on. That's a good one. That's a real run-on.

That's good. Yay has been dropped by Adidas. An estimated two billion dollar loss for the company. It's ironic that his name is probably also the last thing you'd say when finding out this news. Yay. Be more like, oh, no. It was probably the opposite of his name. An Australian man choked out a young kangaroo before it was able to attack his beagle puppy. The now viral video shows a man taunting the seven month kangaroo, telling it to tap out, repeating it over and over.

Say, Uncle Joey. Sounds a lot like an episode of Full House when Joey Gladstone was trying to teach Michelle to talk. Every episode we try to squeeze in a Full House joke. I forgot. You forgot? Where's the shark lady at? Bethany Hamilton? No, we retired Bethany Hamilton for Full House.

What about Violet Beauregard? Violet Beauregard was the theme, and then we went to Bethany Hamilton, and then we went Breakfast, and then now we're at Full House but we got Full House out of the way the last blockbuster in Bend Oregon is catching some heat online

one customer said they have been harassed with voicemails after just a couple days late on returning the classic horror movie it the customer said they came home to 37 voicemails all just repeating you got it do sounds like michelle tanner got a job at blockbuster there we go that was that was the stretch but he he made it. Yeah, so I busted my nut on every single character the first episode we decided to do Full House.

I talked about the hand in poker being a little tanner. All of it. There's nothing else. I even did Comet. You gotta do. It's shoehorned, but it's good. I like it a lot. Shoehorns are sometimes

no, they're never the best. I disagree. I disagree. So last episode, we pitched a science fair experiment. Me and Kyle got into a heated debate. It's you take a shit in a jar and you let the poop, you let the poopy dry out.

For men? Yeah. For men, I'd imagine, no? What? Wouldn't it ferment? No, no, no. Liquid. You want to drink his poop? What happened is the poopy dry out for men yeah it would ferment i'd imagine no what wouldn't it ferment well what happened no no no liquid you want to drink his what happened is the poop would dry the bacteria but a poop always has some water with it you don't poop without pee no no no you're kind of putting your penis in the toilet so okay we had malisek fish a turd out from the toilet and put it in a jar okay so there's some liquid in there right so he's drying it out outside on a general it'll dry out it'll harden and it will it won't be damp by any means, and it will lose its odor because the bacteria causing it will die. I disagreed, and I said if you re-dunk the turd, it'll smell of turd. You agreed that the odor would go away.

I hope I'm wrong because a scentless turd, a wet scentless turd is hilarious. The odor could be revived by some type of magic spell. I don't even think you need to dunk. I think if you break it. I think if you crack it, it'll... Like a glow stick? Yeah. A poop stick?

I think if you cracked a poop, or cracked a hard poop... That's a third hypothesis that I will welcome. Well, so here's the issue, though. We've already had Malasek bisect his turd, and it's in two jars, because Kyle thinks it'll smell worse if dunked in cream soda. I kind of buy that. The water will do nothing whereas the cream

soda of any brand will revive the odor. So maybe times two. I believe it. Impossible. It'll smell of turd and cream which is better than just turd. I don't know about that. You think the carbonation will...

I think it'll have a very interesting activation. There may be something weird, like a science fair volcano. But Malasek sent us the picture of the turd in the jar. Oh my God, he actually did it? Yeah, he did it. But we're having him send updates of the smell. So we have him keep on going outside and sending us updates on the smell.

I'm sorry. I got a couple questions. What is Jake's? There's the jar of one of the turds. Wait, dude, that's not a jar. That's a solo cup. Well, we're moving it to a jar once it dries up. A terrarium. That's a solo cup outside. Yeah, to air out. I was never tested on a jar. I don't think it matters.

It doesn't matter as long as it's dry. Yeah, you're high up on it. I think you're opening up to the element. It doesn't have to be in an apparatus. It will lose its owner. I think the science experiment is already fucked. It's out on a window still. It's not going to get any smell from us.

It's exposed to the elements. A dog turd sits outside and loses its smell? Fair play. Yes. All right. But here's where Malasek has lost me from the beginning because he said he's shit in the jar and i was like what's the smell of the turd now and he said a 7.1 no turd fresh out of the ass is a 7.1 it's always a 10 when it's out of the ass i disagree sometimes

you you don't never have a fucking baseline of a turd out of the ash should be 10 i i strongly disagree no wipers have like a no smell you know i know they still stink bro i've 1000 percent taken no stink shits wrong in fact i think that's a majority of the shits i take wrong what are you eating the color beige oh bro i i eat like a goddamn animal. I eat like a raccoon. And I think that, because I know, because sometimes I'll go, that fucking stinks. You're standing up, you're probably meters away from the actual feces. Okay, you think that matters a lot? Yes.

But also, when I'm sitting there, dude. The smell of shit while you're in a bathroom. I think if you got up close,ed it it would it would be a gag reflex ripping nine to ten but like when you're sitting here a fresh turd can never be a seven i i disagree guys i gotta say but if if it's on the scale if this turd is living in a vacuum it should be a 10 when it comes out of the ass 7.1 so like fantana would rate it a 7.1. Yeah. A hard, soft 7.1. Why didn't Malasek just run a hair dryer? Also, Malasek looks like a guy. He's handsome. He's well-kempt.

Yeah, he's athletic. He's athletic. We didn't have to ask him twice. It's not surprising. I think I can see Malasek having, on his worst days, an 8 shit. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

It's the hottest guys that have the stinkiest shit. How did it look day one? How did the poop look day one? There was a smear. There was a smear on the side. I just saw that. That wasn't great. I can't believe you did that. Are you paying him like a million dollars? No, zero. We didn't have to ask him twice. We were like, Malasek, you do it. And he's not on any of the

episodes. He's just in the group chat of anus. We don't know because he helped carry the cameras of the episodes. He's just in the group chat of Anus. We don't know because he helped carry the cameras in one day and we put him in the group chat of Anus. But he could live in an Orange County mansion funded by TikTok creators, but he lives vicariously through UVA football. Yes. He's our servant.

Yes, he'll do anything we want. Here's another weird thing. Day three, he said, boys, it's a one. The smell is a one okay one's a little mud no so which i expected i expected it to dry out three we've had dry weather cold weather i think i think it hurts i think it was hot today but i walked to work in a sweater today well we were going to have him it was that was like two days ago we're going to have him bring it in this week to finish the experiment why do you have our like run a hairdryer on it or

something until it's fully dried? I don't think I don't think he thinks like that. But that tampers the. I also think, yeah, no, I think it's got to be exposed. Like, it's going to be. We'll see what. No, you were just. We just have to get.

I was going to say I caught myself and said to the elements. I meant exposed. You were so close. Yeah, I was so close. I got it. I got it. We were going to have him bring it in today. We got a text from me.

He said, boys, I don't know what happened. I'm sorry. We said, what? He said, it's a three point4 right now it went back up it is sent i think somebody i think somebody was walking down the street with a turd and they were like whoa that one doesn't smell as bad hot swap to the turd like a pie on a sill like a rambunctious boy that sees a pie on the sill you guys gotta make a graph man i can't bring this smelly turd this 3.4 turd to the party oh what what luck a scentless turd so that's going to be postponed to next week that's the turd update dude thank god because i would have puked all over this goddamn place no because

if it didn't stink if it might as well there was an open shit in this room i gotta i gotta guess i was gonna puke yeah yeah i mean you puke pretty easily yeah yeah we're gonna have him do it and but i i could if if adding cream soda to turd is like a new viral challenge and it like fills up the room or like that would be awesome you've seen the one where it's like you're like fucking spits out yeah like someone opened a gate from hell yeah yeah just start spewing like this like i don't know glue type thing yeah yeah yeah um yeah i end up being basically like end up doing alchemy imagine you make gold imagine it like this is like a flashbang it's something if we create something or it's the cure to cancer there's this turd and

cream soda i'm a realist i think it'll just make it smell significantly worse you're not being a realist because cream soda is one of the most aromatic of sodas. But the carbonation bringing out the stink I can definitely see. It could reactivate something. For sure. For sure. I wonder if a poop has a core. Like what if the reason why it got smellier. It's like a tree. It's got a bunch of rings. You can count. Yeah, you can count how many meals are in the turd.

Yeah. That would rock. That would rock jake's been intermittent fasting um but yeah that's what's going on with that um cream will curdle coagulate artificial it's not actually milk dude dipping a dry turd in milk would suck yeah a milk turd wait wait till you see cream soda wait till you see all right yeah there's no milk in cream soda you know that um i have to pee so bad kyle can you do milk the soco ad while i pee yeah and then get into your uh i'll get get into your uh horrible morning but don't start without. All right. Soko, we just did a commercial for it. It was my first alcoholic beverage.

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whiskey bold. So it goes good with anything and it goes good straight, neat or iced. Try a SoCo sour shot today. They're so easy to make. One third SoCo, two third sour mix, done. It's the best cocktail. It's the easiest cocktail. Times change and so does what we drink. But not for me because I've been drinking it for 11 years. Make a more tasteful choice and choose SoCo. That was good.

You did a good job with that. That was great. There we go. I love a nice SoCo. I don't think we have a promo code. No, it's just a general. There's a link job with that. That was great. There we go. I love it. I think we have a promo code. No, it's just a general. There's a link in the description. Go check it out.

See more cool stuff from SoCo. Get on board. Mm-hmm. I like that. I don't think I've ever tried SoCo. What is going on outside? There's the happy hour. Theatrics?

It's the full-on happy hour upstairs. Yeah. Were you not aware of this? It's a festival. I mean, I heard it, but I didn't know what it was. Yeah. It's a big happy hour. There's only one one guy dressed up and he has lederhosen on i saw i walked by his desk earlier and he was in the editing bay and he was the only one

we got one of those corporate-esque emails like you know we're having a party like dressing up isn't mandatory but encouraged well did you see what the winner of the costume contest gets yeah we talked about this kind of extensively on ks3 yeah well we have no crossover of audience oh oh i wasn't saying there's no reason no no no i'm saying you have people that listen that was the first thing i brought up to where i was like look i i get we are we're definitively a corporate company now that's that that was the ship has sailed i didn't the, the party in the office doesn't surprise me so much. The shocking aspect of it. The winner gets a gift card to the

Barstool Sports Store. No way. 50 bucks. Check the fucking email. That has to be on purpose. No, it's not. We're in an office riddled with free merch. Well, what you have to do if you want merch that we don't have lying crumpled No, we're in an office riddled with free merch. With our own merch.

Well, what you have to do if you want merch that we don't have lying crumpled on the floor, you ask. And then you just get it. You just get it. Dude, people have said that. They're like, oh, I bought this. I'm like, maybe you bought it. Yeah. Why don't you just ask someone for it? Yeah.

It's a pretty, and I guess maybe that's different for people on the third floor. But like, I don't know, any content person is going to go, can I get this? But a $50 Slip Barstool store won't even get you uh your sweatpants you son of a bitch that i bought to get clemmer to prevent clemmer from being eliminated in the first round of the competition you did what i bought uh your sweatpants with code clemmer good guy well thanks wait so there's one guy who dressed up? Yeah. Yeah.

And it's Lederhosen. Yeah. No, there's a couple other people. There's a couple people. There's one. Frank dressed up, but he just put a mask on. Frank just put a mask on. There was a guy in production.

How'd you know it was Frank then? I walked by. That's what Doug's actually made that joke. He's like, you think they'll know it's you, Frank? He's like, all right. BFT goes, Frank just made me gasp. There is another guy guy but he is it's i love how you whispered that like this isn't recorded the uh there's another guy who is dressed as hopper from stranger things but it's hopper

season two like hawaiian shirt mustache hopper oh that's that's cory rutledge that's just how he dresses it's not Rutledge. It's a different guy who sits with my production. I work, I walk by all the time. I don't know his name though. And like, I was like, damn, I got this all like Hopper, but I know that was Hopper's bigger season. So I felt bad.

I'm like, he might just be a bigger dude in a Hawaiian shirt. So I didn't say anything. And then I, I quietly asked Nick Hamilton and he went, no, no, no. He's dressed as Hopper. Okay. In that case, he's nailing it. Okay. Yeah, that's good.

That's kind of a sigh of relief. Yeah. Right. You never want to make that mistake. You did the right move. You never want to choose a costume where you're not quite sure. I used to work at GNC and this girl, this woman is. You used to work at GNC?

Yeah. What the hell? I did too. This woman came up. She only spoke Spanish. She only didn't speak English. And she kept like asking me about vitamins in her stomach like she was relatively skinny her stomach was like and i naturally brought her to prenatals yeah and she was like not pregnant very not

pregnant ain't no way i thought i was being so helpful not pregnant and she was like ran out of there so pissed off it was really bad you can't get mad i mean you can't get mad you can't get mad like you're you're gonna know if someone randomly came to the middle of the street and so pissed off. It was really bad. You can't get mad. You gotta know. If someone randomly came to you in the middle of the street and was like, hmm, you pregnant? But if you're asking for vitamins, you're in a GNC, you're gonna do your best. She's got the roundest belly, but the smallest features. It made no sense. She must have just been like starving.

I have no idea. Like an ASPCA commercial? Those are dogs. What is the one for... Sarah McLachlan. No, that's dogs. How do we know the dog one for? Oh, fuck. What's the one for Sarah McLaughlin? No, that's dogs. Yeah. How do we know the dog one?

I thought people won. That's how we're conditioned. That's fucked up. If we can give you a piece of advice, and maybe I won't speak for Ken Jack, I'll speak for myself. If you're ever rude, you might want to listen up to this. If you're ever going into a GNC, do your own research before you get it. Don't listen to a word we say. I lied so much. You guys lied?

All the time because you have a fucking commission. I just said whatever gave me commission. Because you don't get commission on everything. So just like some brands give you commission, some don't. Why'd you single out Rudy and not Kyle? Kyle's big. That is true. Honestly, Rudy was in my peripheral. Kyle was fucking huge. I said that before the show even started.

And I said, yeah, I've been working on this for a year, like, every day. I don't take days off. And you, like, showed up one day with just gigantic biceps from nowhere. I think Rudy called me fat. He called me chubby. I said you are fat ripped. I said you're chubby.

Not nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not nice. If I can clarify something. But, no, when I was at GNC, I was in good shape, and people would ask me, like, what's the best product? I was like, I don't know, fucking hydroxycut gives me a great commission. Dude, always hydroxycut. Always hydroxycut, dude.

Does that just make you shit? Just, it's a diuretic to a degree. I, it has, uppers like that don't really do anything to me. Okay. It is like, caffeine doesn't even do anything to me either. Um, so I don't really know. It would just kind of, I would, I would take it. I lost weight on it.

I don't really know exactly what it did to you. I was skinny and I would just tell people I lost 40 pounds on hydroxy. And it worked like a charm. I mean, you could be fat and still say that. That's true. Yeah. Yeah. I was 40 pounds more.

That's true. I never thought about that. Um, Kyle, can you get into your awful morning? Because I've been salivating at the thought. It's not crazy. It's just the same thing happened. I went to the gym. I'm in the subway station.

I get to the gym on Canal Street a little bit. You go pretty kind of far. It's a short subway. But that's far away. Subway to the gym? That's dedication, bro. But it's short. It's short.

Is that the nearest Planet Fitness? It's not the nearest, but it's far away to the gym that's dedication but it's short it's short is that the nearest planet fitness it's not the nearest but it's the the only adequate one the 14th street one is that's a disaster it's a disaster i get there i put my headphones in the left ear not working not working that's worse than both not working but then it's not working the sense that it's completely muted it'll'll keep like, it'll keep. Cutting in and out. Static-y. And I went into a fit. I went into a little fit.

And I said, I'm not going to work out without this. It drove me crazy. Subway back to my apartment. Put my hands in my pocket. Don't have my key to my apartment. Don't have my. My girlfriend is oh i'm about to no issues other than one thing and you know what it is yeah when i my apartment is two doors you got to get through both so you need a buzz long enough to get through both

her only issue is she she she never quite does it or like she doesn't hold the button long enough yeah it doesn't long enough kind of makes me upset you said you've stormed out and not returned for the night because she has not held the button this time i'm in position like a sprinter i'm like i'm gonna go as fast as possible just to like make sure like sometimes you can be like lackadaisical or sluggish going in through the first one. I sprinted through the first one. Didn't make the second. Is she doing it on purpose?

So I was going back to get my second pair of headphones. Earbuds. Wired. That I have. So I didn't get in. So I said, fuck it. No. I'm not doing this.

You were one door away. I'm not doing this. Looked up. You were one door away. It's not doing this. Looked up the only open. It was like, wait, you're at your apartment door and you decide it's not worth buzzing again. You were just too mad. Yeah, because when you hear that buzz, it's like you lost. It's like that buzz when you miss a question wrong and trivia or like when you miss a shot and then the game's over. It's a buzz.

So I wasn't like I was upset with her. I was just mad at myself. You feel defeated. You feel frustrated. It was like 7.58. So there was one open like AT&T store, but it was in Times Square. Oh, my God.

Get the fuck out. So I'm like, all right, I need headphones to work out. I need it. You put yourself into all of these situations so i go to that one and at this point i'm i'm like raging mad it doesn't seem that bad i guess when i say it but so i'm like i'm going to record this interaction just in case i because i feel like i'm going to get pissed off and let's see you recorded your interaction walk into the at&t store near times square so i just said do you sell apple earbuds yeah like the headphones good question she said yes

then it's like a two-story at&t store so i followed her downstairs we're walking downstairs walking downstairs walking downstairs any specific one that you want there's two options at all not picky at all i just want to listen to music biorally both ears yeah that's and then i answer nothing specific okay the wire she asks we don't have it okay what do you have what do you have she answers the earbuds if you remember i walked in and asked do you have any of the apple earbuds no they do have the earbuds but they didn't have it so i say fuck it and i want i just say i'm gonna work out i'm gonna do a quick workout i don't need headphones when i'm like lifting

especially on the smith machine squats 295 i'm not even like paying attention to the music so i go do a set pull something in my chest like the wind knocks out of me um i'm writhing in pain everyone's looking but like they're not i'm not like writhing enough for them to like come check on me they're just looking at me so it's worst case scenario i storm out fuck this get on the subway i'm in time square and i'm like writhing in pain i I have to be horizontal. I can barely sit. In the gym. It's gone now. It was just like a tear or something.

Jesus. That's not something that goes away. Ray Lewis. No, I've done it before. It was just severe fucking pain. And I'm just on this subway. It's kind of crowded, but I get a seat. Still in pain.

And this guy walks in. are you recording this guy too and he starts speaking in threes shouting in threes everything he shouts he says it three times um and i'm just so pissed to be in time square everyone else is too but this guy comes on stands right next to me where i think you have a little bit of an anger problem. I do, yeah. I think you're kind of into it. This guy, he just keeps... That's two.

He says that three times. City. America. Good morning America. He says that three times. New York City. New York City. Good morning. Good morning. There's a third. So did that break you?

Why are you recording everything? I don't know. I think I just have anger ocd homeless yeah you certainly have anger issues i guess that's normal but um so um where'd you go after that yeah where did you go the the day was over headphones. And pretty silent on the yak, I think. Yeah. So that ruined your day?

Yeah. Or it just ended your day? It was more, he was jolly. He was fine. It was the headphones, dude. The headphones, it's the thing that everyone uses. Not everyone. Every one of us is not wearing headphones right now but you.

Have you used headphones today? Yeah. Airbags. Airbags. I actually, today was the first day I had headphones in probably three weeks. I just walk around. But you use them. No, I don't.

Yeah, you do. I mean, I do but not in the last three weeks I haven't. Yeah, you do. When you travel, you use headphones. No, that was the thing not in the last three weeks I haven't. Yeah, you do. When you travel, you use headphones. No, that was the thing. I forgot my headphones when I just went to London. But you forgot them. It was basically something you have.

I do not currently own headphones. I've been meaning to get some. Have you had coffee today? I don't drink coffee. Fuck. He's getting mad. Everyone uses headphones. I'm not saying i don't ever use everyone uses headphones i think only 60 percent of adults intake caffeine maybe 70

i actually did of that percentage not all of them they some of them do monster red bull full throttle we're not doing this. Five hour. The percentage of Americans who drink coffee is probably 40? No. Healthy? Heaven no. Think of all the- Higher.

We're dominated by children. Zero, yes. Zero to 16. These children are using headphones. I think it's a significant margin. We got into a big fight. Is coffee used more or headphones? You can't get them. You cannot get them. I think headphones's a significant margin. We got into a big fight. You can't coffee used more headphones. You can't get them.

You cannot get them. I think headphones are used more for sure. Yeah. Not worldwide. You think of places that sell electronics. CVS does. Rite Aid does. Dwayne Reed.

Yeah. Target. Those are out. You can't even get them there. So you have to go to the only place that sells Apple products and they don't even have them. Damn shame. So do you still not have headphones? I have like the backup pair of my apartment.

But you just didn't get busted. It was all self-inflicted though. Yeah, this feels like in Sunny when Charlie is like listing off his problems and he goes, those aren't real problems, Charlie. You made all these problems. You made that problem. It's a win for more places, businesses to sell headphones.

A lot of places do. It's so ridiculous. A lot of places do what? You can get them at Walgreens right downstairs. Walgreens does not. Yes, they do. They do not sell Apple headphones. Why do you have to have Apple?

Because I have an iPhone. But you can get a pair of JVCs that just don't. They're not great headphones. But then you have to get the dongle that attaches. It goes through the eyes. I guarantee you. I guarantee you right now I have JVC wireless headphones in the KFC radio studio that will work on my phone. You can't get them from Dwayne Reed.

I got them at Dwayne Reed. I got them at fucking anywhere. You cannot, if you need to listen to music. I got them at Dwayne Reed at Moynihan Train Hall. That's a fact, I'll say it. You cannot get them here. I get this. Can you go downstairs and buy wired headphones? Not for an...

It will not permit me to listen to anything on my iPhone. I kind of want you to try. I disagree strongly. You have to give it a try. It's the only way. I'll try it. We'll get into this later. We'll do it at the end of the episode.

You'll go buy headphones. Also, when you left your apartment, did you, when you, the second, the second storm out, did you, what'd you tell your girlfriend? I didn't, I didn't, we didn't speak of it. Yeah. So you just your girlfriend? I didn't, we didn't speak of it. Yeah. So you just never arrived? I came back to later to like a breakfast,

delicious breakfast. And I said, and I was like, should I bring this up? Will anyone benefit from this? No. Maturity. Maturity.

That's a happy ending. She probably assumed it wasn't me. Maybe she assumed it was someone else. The second she pisses you off, are you going to bring this up? She didn't piss me off. On another occasion. Are you going to sit on this? I should have been faster through both doors.

I should have transcended the human ability and stormed through both doors in one second that's on me do you feel like she'll hear this now yeah yeah no yeah yeah it's not a diss on her it's on me now a word from our sponsor better help can be tough to train your brains to stay at home in problem solving mode when faced with a challenge in life kyle but when you learn to find your own solutions there's no better feeling kyle uh i use it and it helps me you know just get over things faster and look at me i'm mentally sound problem solver it's convenient accessible affordable and entirely online when you want to be a better problem solver therapy can get you there visit betterhelp.com slash new today to get 10% off your first month. B E T T E R H E L P.com slash new.

Um, Ken, Jack, some cruise time. Would you like to do your fictional crew? So for those at home, it is the best fictional crew that you want to open a haunted house with. If you were the proprietor

of a haunted house, what would you want your crew to be? So when you were saying cruise this whole episode, you thought boat? On a cruise. I thought like maybe all our crews were going on a cruise. I knew I had to come with a cruise. Rudy did last week as well.

You did too? You're in good company Hockey players man Me and you babe Couple alphas Two alphas that thought crews Either way it's our Halloween crew It's our Halloween crew Haunted house who you want

I prepared a fictional cruise Oh see i just had a group of people no that's what i just thought maybe they were gonna end up on a cruise at some point yeah you never know yeah yeah they could yeah it could be a haunted house on the water particularly has that been done yeah no no no oh that's cool ghost ship i love that movie oh yeah that first scene where they all get their heads cut off yeah and I think there's boobs. Yeah. Ghost Ship. I feel like I've seen it, but I can't really recall. They lose like a wiring and it cuts everybody's heads off standing up.

Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. All right. Fictional Cruise. I did mine a little bit differently. Sure. Instead of five, I have four. That is a little different. My haunted house is a little different than a conventional one because instead of walking

through one level, there are multiple because my haunted house is a tower of terror which i think would be cool if anyone's actually wants to make one and each floor is designed to make one of us break oh shit so that is very interesting so imagine if you will that we all meet up at the ground floor of this tower and go inside together the muffled sounds of aerosmith can be heard at the first door before we even enter. As the door opens, bright fluorescent lights blind us for a moment before we get a whiff of cigarettes, babeloso, and piss. As that flash wears off, we realize

that we are standing on tiles and surrounded by porcelain. A sheet on the wall next to us reads, Last cleaned, January 2nd, 2012. Oh no. There is only one way to proceed, and that is through the stall in the middle of the room. We open the door and hear a slight masculine groan. I wrote in here, ask KB to do one. KB, can you do one?

A slight? Yeah, slight masculine. Is it a slight groan or slightly masculine? Slight, comma, masculine groan. Yeah. Sorry, sorry. Inside stands a built handsome man who is standing with his true religion jeans laid across his ankles. In his hand is a semi-hard cock, which he is slowly mashing in an attempt to keep stiff.

This cock is an ugly thing that leads to the groin that is covered in wiry thickets of pubes. This man zeroes in on fights. In a low growl, he says, I've been waiting for you, baby. Oh, no. No, is this Hurricane O'Reilly? It becomes clear that this man is the one fights sucked off in Hurricane O'Reilly. What a nightmare. He grabs fights by the shoulders and brings him to his knees.

I was a fucking, she was wearing true religions. Come on, dude. Go on without me, fights tells us through tears. It's time to finish this. KB, Nick and I remain. It's time to finish this. I thought it was Roethlisberger. We arrive at the second floor and there's not a lot to see.

The walls have a few decorations like a Savage Garden poster from their album Malformation. A shelf with a full set of Generation 1 Bionicles and a broken Bop-It. There is also an alarming amount of model trains. In the middle of the room, though, is a lazy boy. And next to the chair is an end table with a bright yellow Game Boy Color loaded with Pokemon Red. I have a feeling this might be me. Like a backpack kid when the school period ends,

Nick sprints through the hall and sits on the chair. Excited, he boots up the game while wondering what's so scary about it. As he starts playing, he realizes that he's having a lot of trouble catching Pokemon. In fact, he's not able to catch a single one. He reads a note on the table that informs him of his curse. In this version of the game, he only has a 1% chance of catching any Pokemon with any Pokeball. Ain't no way.

We try to tell Nick to move on, but his Nicky's special brain tells him that he still has a chance to catch them all. So we're forced to leave him behind. Good God. And as me and KB ascend the stairs to the next floor, we read a note on the door that informs us of the bad news. There's actually a 0% chance that he catches any pokeball. Oh, wow. What a twist. We open

the door and are greeted by this music, which I need to play. Alright, this is me and you it's me and you right now got it the moment we set foot in the room you and me me and kyle we feel a slight breeze rush behind us our wallets were just stolen by a short, cretinous, hairy goblin wearing an Adidas tracksuit. As he runs off cackling to himself, we look around

the room. More of these hairy, ugly, sticky-fingered trolls fill the room and every one of them is flanked by the hottest big-tittied woman you've ever seen in your life. The smell of stewed cabbage and onions overpowers me and I am forced to rest on a tiny-ass car that is up on stilts because the tires have been stolen. I ask one of the creatures what's going on in this place.

The little freak tells me in a language that is as guttural as it is ancient, and I understand a word he's saying. The one word is clear, though. Romania. Two of them grab me to settle a debate, which one of us is more racist against Serbs. And I'm stuck there, and KB is forced to move on. Okay. Yeah. That is a room built for you.

Ken Jack hates Serbs. You're a big anti-Serb guy? No, I'm an anti-Romanian guy, which is why this is my nightmare scenario. KB. Fair so far. Okay. He opens the door and is immediately hit with the smell of body odor mixed with PVC rubber foam. A mist envelops the center of the room.

And as he takes his first steps in, he realizes that the floor has a little bounce to it. The mist begins to clear, and he looks up to see an introduction banner through the veil. It says, 2015 Southern Scuffle. Oh, no! As KB looks down,

the mist clears to reveal a man in the center of the circle. That man stands at 5'7", with a mane of greasy brown hair and a matching beard. His ripped muscles are popping, only covered by a bright yellow... That's barely on line. Is it fucking Cole Mendenhall? By a bright yellow unitard that reads Wyoming, and his name is Cole Mendenhall. How'd you find that bracket? And his only goal is to make KB tap out.

Oh my God. You lost to Cole Mendenhall? That was the tournament that made me not... Because I had a fifth year of eligibility as I took a red shirt. I was like, I'm done after this. Because of Cole Mendenhall. He retired you?

He retired you? Southern Scuffle. Cole Mendenhall beat me in the first round. First round? How many rounds are retired you? Southern Scuffle. Cole Mendenhall beat me in the first round. First round? How many rounds are there in the Southern Scuffle? It was like a 64-man bracket. That's a lot of wrestling, by the way. Oh, wow.

Yeah. He looks like a tougher you. He was pretty good. He wasn't like that good, but he beat me five to three, I think. It's worse than that. No, it wasn't. good, but he beat me five to three, I think. It's worse than that. No, it wasn't. It was five to three, and I would put any amount of money. I remember all my matches and their scores.

So that's the end of my haunted house. Wow, that was beautiful. I thought it was going to be the end of the clip. Yeah, that was fuck. I can't believe the true religion genes, bro. Is that accurate? The true religion had me thinking this is ben roethlisberger dude that would be hilarious if ben roethlisberger was the dick you sucked there

yeah and that's how like the story you never been here in june i'm kidding no one goes to hurricanes in june it's prime dick sucking it is a that is a winter bar ah that's good ken jack that was beautiful now ken jack you have the dozen i do have the dozen five so thank you for that of course I'm dick sucking. It is a, that is a winter bar. That's good. Ken Jack, that was beautiful. Now, Ken Jack, you have the dozen. I do have the dozen.

Five. So thank you for that. Of course. That was, that was incredible. How'd you find the bread? That was, that was, that was beautiful.

That was beautiful. That is. God damn. That was, you didn't, you didn't mention how I beat Branson Ashworth. It was actually top ranked in Wyoming. Dude,

beating a guy named Branson Ashworth in wrestling is nothing. Branson Ashworth who was actually top ranked in Wyoming. Dude, beating a guy named Branson Ashworth in wrestling is nothing. I pray to God Branson Ashworth hears this. Was he wearing a monocle? Is he Jared Kushner's stepbrother? Branson Ashworth, bro. Yeah, you probably grabbed him by his ascot.

Wyoming, yeah. Branson, I can't believe you lost the match. We're so disappointed in you, Branson. Cole Mendenhall, yeah, you're going to get your ass kicked by Cole Mendenhall. Well, Ashworth is better. That's what I'm saying. Beat one. Disagree.

Disagree. We'll agree to disagree on that, KP. All right. We're at Barstool. So the theme of mine is New York City sports. Bro, wait. These are my jokes. Okay, I was going to say, you guys all have way more written down than I of mine is New York City sports. Bro, wait. These are my jokes. Okay.

You guys all have way more written down than I thought. No, no, no, no, no. Okay. The theme of mine is New York City sports. All right? And I want everybody listening, everybody here to imagine you're going through this house alone, solo. Okay.

I just, I don't know how this is going to, I'm going to string these together. So bear with me. I'm bearing. Thank you. You walk onto the porch of an old Victorian style musty home in front of you to the left of the door. You see a very feminine silhouette standing stoically like a British guard, not moving.

You guys all picturing that? Yeah. Intrigued. You decide to take a step closer you want to enter this home there's a mysterious draw to it okay so you move further from the steps and you near the entrance way your eyes start to adjust to the darkness and you notice standing next to the door is Madison Beer. Yeah. Alright.

Nice. What a pleasant surprise. Fights no reaction. I don't know if I know who Madison Beer is. Wowza. Brother, you got some homework to do. Hot. But wait. Boys, but wait. As you are focused on her, you see in the corner of your eye, on the other side of the threshold of the door.

Another Madison beer. There's two. Ain't no way. So we have Madison squared garden. OK, OK, OK. I'm waiting for the scary part. She winks at you. She beckons you. Both. She beckons you both.

Both of them. Beckons you closer. Holy shit. Not only are you about to fuck Madison Beer, your little cock is throbbing. Not only are you about to fuck Madison Beer, you're about to fuck two on a porch. That's kind of sexy. Okay. We're still on.

We're not even in the home. Not even in the home. Wow. Your cock is ready. She beckoned both of them. Beckon you closer. Nothing can ruin this. Oh no.

It's the Knicks. Two of me. Oh fuck. Just one Knick would end up fucking them both. But two? Oh no. It's the Nicks. She's distracted being fucked by the Nicks. It's scary how good he's fucking.

I guess how well he's fucking. Superman fucks good. So you're here. She was ewing. Haunted house. You you're here. She was ewing. Haunted house. You were coming quickly. Chill. So both the Knicks.

Fuck, I hate this. Are fucking Madison Beer. You enter the house. Maybe there's more Madison Beers inside. You look around. The floorboards are creaking. you hear you step it creaks you step it creaks you stay still you hear louder creaking what i'm not moving what could this be the mets chrissy mets from this is us

she wants to fuck. You're cocks hard. You don't want to do that because, well, she has a boyfriend. His name's Bradley. You don't want to ruin that relationship. And if you're a girl listening, pretend it's the Islanders and it's Hurley from Lost. That's really nice of you to do that. It's the Mets. You're cock's hard and you're horrified

because the old adage is true if you don't use it you lose it and you don't want to lose your wiener god no heavens no there were in the wiener list man might as well be a woman right so you're sprinting for him you're walking kind of fast from chrissy metz and you enter another door are you still hard yes good question you're looking to fuck just trying to get the landscape because the knicks taught you some new moves that you want to use there it is you're in you step into step into a room. It's pitch black. You walk forward. Ow, hit a wall.

Turn. Ow, hit a wall. You're in a labyrinth. You reach for the walls because you remember the story of you just grab, you put your hand on the right wall, and it'll get you through the labyrinth, right? Like the mythology. You reach for the wall.

It's covered in cocks. it's covered in human cocks you're in a willy maze oh fuck this is where all the dicks went this is where all the unfucked dicks went i gotta i gotta get through this so you're running through your yeah it's like you're hitting all the hard cocks. It's making that noise. They're all hitting each other. But you know how it would sound like a bike.

When you put the card in a spoke, I was picturing it like sound like a xylophone, like a Glock and a cock and spiel. You're running through. Ouch, ouch, ouch. You're running with your mouth open. Cause you're panting.

Finally, you get to the end. You get to the end of the labyrinth. You step through. There's a droning. You look around. Surrounded by other people. You're in the fuselage of a plane. Of a jet.

Everybody's panicking. What do we do? What do we do? You reach into your phone, your iPhone, you pull it out. It's not an iPhone anymore. It's a Motorola razor.

The date is September 11th, 2001. And you're hearing everybody on the plane devising a plan. We got a meadow land. We got a meadow land. We got a meadowland. You're on flight 93. Oh, no. This is horrible.

I cannot wait to see how you land this plane. We know how it lands. I read the story. It crashes and you die. The end. We got a metal lamp. Oh my God. That's my haunted house.

Pretty fucking scary. Yeah. Thank you. It's a psychological thriller. It really was. It really, really was. I was not given proper instructions for this assignment i want to be very fucking clear about that no you'll be fine trust me no i'm not gonna be fine i'm just gonna read my five and then you guys can guess what the overarching theme is okay because i didn't write a story no no you don't

have to bring three to five guys you don't have to write a story all right i got three to five i got a haunted house of three to five people. I'm not going to tell you the overarching theme first. It's very basic. Three to five people. Five people. Danny DeVito. Okay.

Papa John. Snooki. Donatella Versace. Rick Pitino. Italians. Italians. Dude, I was fucking stumped. I don't know how I got Dude, I was fucking stumped. I don't know how I got that.

It is a haunted house full of fucking Italians. Hey, I'm fucking scared in here. What the fuck? You're supposed to fucking jump when I leave. When fucking Ken Jack started with a bathroom stall, I was like, is he going to take Pitino on me right now? Dude, you're fucking kidding me, dude dude imagine like guy takes one of my guys papa john is like just recognizable enough if he like scared you in a haunted house you'd be like but like i'd still like was that fucking

papa john that would be the ultimate like prank video like papa john in a haunted house just seeing like is there a level of fame can you be famous enough to where you can't scare anybody? Like if it was Leo jumping out, you first thought be like, that's Leo. No. Cause you ever seen the video of, of Leo scaring Jonah Hill? Yeah. But Jonah Hill seems excitable. Jonah Hill is very excitable.

He's jumpy. Yeah. Be exceptionally scary. If you were a black person. As an, an Italian house, they're not, you're not allowed in an Italian household. Gay person. You're really. Oh god because of papa john oh yeah right right that's that's that was kind of the part that got him into the haunted house where have you ever seen that video of a guy he's a black guy scaring people in like china but he's wearing a mask and he scared people and they weren't afraid then he lifted the mask and they were scared of the black person. No. They have horror stories of

China and South Korea. They're the most racist. Yes. Didn't Donnie just get lost to be a white person? It was called White Monkey. Just pretend to be a white guy. Well, you didn't have to pretend that.

Pretend to be someone employed who's also a white guy okay yeah yeah who's pretend to be a white guy who would die would show up in white face they're like no you already you already had the job take that off you don't have to fake the resume an italian haunted house would be would rock yeah italian oh no i'd hate an Italian haunted house. That would be a funny sketch. It'd be so loud. Yeah. It wouldn't even be that scary. I mean, if DeVito came crawling up, too, that'd be scary.

Donatella Versace looks like a living witch. What does she look like? Is she all pumped up with a hula? Yeah. Is she alive? Which vibes? Her name's Donatella? I didn't know Versace was like eponymous to a woman.

Yes, it is. She's the founder of it. I believe so. And she's hideous? I mean, she just looks like a witch. She's reflective. I mean, if she comes up, I can run up on you. Oh, it's disgusting.

Vera Wang, on the other hand, is 73, looks pretty swell. Dude, Donatella Versace might be the scariest possible thing. Oh, my gosh. She could bite a wall. I don't know if you've seen 30 Rock. She looks like the Hill Witch. Yeah, that's tough. Yep.

Yeah, that would be a, like, and you chose not only, this might be redundant. You chose scary Italians. I chose, not all scary Italians. Shape-wise. Yeah, I chose either unique looking or bad people Italians. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, as soon as I thought DeVito, Snooki came to mind right away.

She's a female DeVito. And then Donatella Versace is just, again, a witch. Patino can't fuck very good. I figured Patino comes out of a bathroom stall at some point. Yeah. And then Papa John just calls everyone the N-word. Even if you're white. Even if you're white.

And it still somehow hurts. Weirdly enough, Papa John doesn't discriminate. No, everybody is that. Everyone can catch the N-word. Everybody is that. It's never happened to me. I think I may have caught like a lighthearted soft A, but I've never.

So I got victim of an ER. And I think I would be traumatized I would be very taken aback I would be taken aback when I've been called that word I was with some black friends and it was followed by y'all and then soft day I'd like to feel like I was being talked to but

everyone but Nick yeah y'all and Nick yeah yeah y'all and nick yeah it's a slant yeah i could i could or you just got confused and you were with everyone in that group was called nick yeah and then the plural the group the collective form of us oh here come there goes the fucking neighborhood what a word because like even homeless people won't say it no the hard are like they won't they'll do everything they won't say it. That's how,

what is it going? Somebody is screaming outside. Wailing. Wailing. Even the homeless won't say it. And that's how you know it's, that's how you know it's bad. It's not.

Yeah. I'm going to lose my job. I don't even have a job. I can't even get canceled. Dude, canceling a bum is hilarious. That would be so like, whoa,

you know what that guy said? It did. It happened the other day in a sense. Dante, our boy Dante the Don, had a tweet where it was quote tweeting Antonio Brown a few weeks ago. I think he tweeted the picture of him and Giselle. Yeah. Maybe. And Dante quote tweeted it. It said like, where is cancel culture now when we actually need someone canceled?

And I was like, hey, man, he doesn't have a job and he doesn't seem to care that we don't like what he's saying. Like, you can't cancel someone like that. Like, you can't be like, no, why isn't anyone canceling the Joker? Yeah. I don't know. Everyone's voiced their opinion. We don't seem too happy with them. And it doesn't seem to bother him at all.

You're on the chapter of the Holocaust in history class. You're like, we're putting this guy in books now. Yeah. We're just writing about him. We're giving him a platform. Yeah. See? We got banter from the Italians.

Yeah. That was beautiful. It was. Thank you. Somehow, yeah, we talked about the N-word. Yeah. That's the natural progression. It was pretty quick. was. Thank you. Somehow, yeah, we talked about the N-word. Yeah. That's the natural progression. It was pretty quick.

Yeah. Pretty quick. It wasn't a hop, skip, and a jump. It was a hop. Yeah, there's not six degrees of separation between that. No. No. By no means.

Kyle, I'd love to hear your crew. Let's go. After, we talk about the Ridge Wallet. I use the Ridge Key Holder. It's fucking awesome. I feel cool. I feel tactical. The Ridge Wallet's tactical. Holds up to 12 cards, plus Ridge key holder. It's fucking awesome. I feel cool. I feel tactical. The Ridge wallet's tactical.

Holds up to 12 cards plus room for cash. There's over 30 colors. I like the burnt titanium. Kyle, you also have the burnt titanium. It kind of pissed me off because I got that one first and there's 29 other ones you could choose from. Chose from. It's RFID blocking technology.

Go to Ridge.com and use code untold for 10% off your order. Yeah. How many keys does it hold? I think up to eight, seven. That's pretty sick. Six. It says six right here. But I have thinner keys.

It's the best wallet. It's the best wallet. Unless you're like paying $1,000. Still apply the best. Yeah, why do you always do that? Because I'm trying to add some some like real like authenticity to this what what could it a thousand dollar wallet provide i'm saying that a thousand dollar wallet would just be a boy you hired to carry your shit right exactly yeah i'm just saying

whatever the most dude that was my first job i was a rich man's wallet That was good. That was damn good. Money mule. Yeah. I just wore cargo pants. Do you have your crew, Kyle? Yes. I'm very curious. Mine is a haunted pyramid.

A haunted food pyramid. So there'll be each food category of the pyramid will have its own compartment in the in the haunted pyramid so the first one well it's fruits vegetables fats dairy yeah meats uh wheat grain grains yeah start with fruits sure and each one is spooky it's not just fruits yeah yeah spooky fruits all right so this man this is in my crew he's a menacing elderly it's or he is a menacing elderly creature with saggy discolored yellow skin from a list of blood-bored illnesses he has shaggy hair wears flashy wide-frame glasses but he's still undeniably yellow everyone assumes he's dressed as a banana or a rotten banana for halloween and he gets really pissed he says no i'm just a yellow man my first spooky fruit is sir elton jaundice who just sings i'm a yellow man and he's just yellow um and he has a lot of help wait

what's the song he sings? He always just says, I'm a yellow man. Instead of piano? Or no, that's Billy Joel. Oh, instead of Rocket Man. He's very matter of fact about the fact that he's yellow. He's not trying to veil it with his legs. So he has a song called Goodbye Yellow Brick Road,

but you decided to go with I'm a yellow man. He's very elderly. And he just can say I'm a yellow man. He has a lot of helpers due to his illnesses but one of his aides is another elderly multi-platinum singer with shaggy hair but this one has like vermin-esque facial features hideous and he tries to cover it in elton jaundice's geriatric feces to disguise the fact that he doesn't look like a rat a hideous rat um using poop to disguise ugliness that's sir elton jaundice's partner blackberry manilow the second fruit yeah yeah blackface elton got knighted blackberry got midnighted

on to the vegetables the spooky vegetables this one is like night of the living dead themed except instead of corpses leaving the graveyard to torment the dead it's the reverse it's living creatures invading a graveyard to burrow into the ground and haunt the dead out of jealousy this creature's legs are gangrenes its torso is torso is a rotting broccoli floret. And its head is a tombstone, kind of like Diglett. I can get that. Yeah. It's Cemetery Shivo, who's desperately trying to be dead.

And while she's beneath the cemetery attempting to pose as a corpse, she's being attacked by enemies who developed underground tunnels of sort to chase her and try to keep her alive. But she's not dead. Yeah. It's the hairy tube man who is trying to develop a connection with her. Is that like Harriet Tubman? It is the hairy tube man. Made an underground railroad to track. yeah yeah harry yeah harry

tube man and adam 22 is chasing her with his girlfriend to try to get her to fuck cemetery shivo to keep her alive a lot of moving pieces The third group is fats and sweets. Yeah. This one is a bloodthirsty and gluttonous royal British zombie who rose from the dead to recolonize India and first enforce all of their residents into servitude as Postmates delivery drivers. She spends every day in her immaculate Mumbai penthouse suite where she orders food around the clock and tortures the delivery drivers who arrive late or mess up her order in the slightest. She's a former queen with blood on her hands, but it's not Elizabeth II. It's Elizobit II. Who came from Wales. Like Edward says, her hands,

her fingers are just Chipotle forks and Wendy's spoons and Wagyu knives. Her long sleeve gown is covered in the blood of the Postmates delivery drivers who aired. And her partner is Prince Phil up. Duke of. Duke of Heddenberger. So all of these double as couples costumes. Yeah, of course. Yeah, I can't wait.

I can't wait to see couples that listen to this be dressed up as that. Fourth is the dairy category, milky over cheese. And this is a demented half dead American billionaire who was exiled to Sri Lanka after being disgraced for his sexual atrocities. While in Sri Lanka, despite suffering from late stage dementia and contracting a horrific skin disease, he still had the money and wherewithal to force young native sri lankans into indentured servitude as a sex slave it's robert craft shingles craft shingles he's covered in plastic aside from his elderly penis poking out that's riddled with fluid-filled blisters and cysts and he's surrounded by disavow he's surrounded by the poor kids of

asia um sri lankan child laborers who are forced to work on his rash-ridden cock like it's the Burj Khalifa until it comes to fruition, led by Tajiki Palmer, who emigrated from Tajikistan to work on Mr. Craft's cock. The fifth is the meats, the fish, the proteins, the nuts. Sometimes revenge calls for violence, especially when someone or something so close to you is taken. You have to reclaim your title and seek vengeance on the ones who hurt you the most. This member of my crew is a murderous tyrant donning an emerald green junior high prom dress

covered in blood and salt water, and she's yielding a harpoon in her arm. This is protein meats and fish yeah this is protein surfer lady mcbethany hamilton there it is of course she meets fish yeah uh she may not use her harpoon too often but she will shakespeare at anyone who crosses her path. And she, the tiger shark, Tony, the tiger shark who fled Hawaii and smuggled Bethany's left arm to Tampa, where the tiger shark sold it.

The dismembered left arm to a subway, a subway franchisee named Lord Byron, inspired by Russell Wilson and the Danger Witch. Lord Byron started selling and marketing the Left Witch, which was a sandwich including Bethany Hamilton's left arm. She's seeking revenge and is aiming to kill Lord Byron. Byron Left Witch? Yeah.

Bethany Hamilton arm sandwich. And I forgot about the last category. Byron Leftwich Yeah Anthony Hamilton Arm Sandwich And I forgot about the last category I forgot about beans They're in beans? Is that their own category? Well beans gets its own category Oh okay

Because I feel like that didn't really meet the meat and protein And this member of my crew is appropriately an Englishman A misfit British hermit Who veils his hauntingly deformed face In traditional Arab headwear. After his couch deteriorated, he took over the Ottoman and was never seen with a single woman. Stephen Anthony Lawrence of Arabia. Who may have no bitches, but he has a sack of 99 rotten tomatoes

that he hurls at anyone who makes fun of him for being an incel. And that's the crew. That's a damn good crew, Kyle. That's quite a crew. Very well done. I would love to see somebody try to recreate those costumes. Maybe we could draw those up.

Yeah, they're all... I think they're all doable. You think so? Three of them had blackface. Three of them were blackface. Still doable. Still, yeah, doable. Dependent, like that's assuming that everyone who is going to do this is white.

Good point. Fair point. Fair play. You're a real wordsmith. You are. No big words. Doesn't mean that the words have to be big. These are making words. Rudy, do you have an actual crew cruise? I mean, I do have a cruise. I wouldn't mind hearing your cruise. And then if you, Tyler and Mook could pick the winner. Okay. Yeah.

I didn't realize that this was going to turn into a slam poetry episode. Yeah. Should have. I should have foreseen that that's my fault so um as you alluded to i thought when you said uh fictional cruise i thought that that meant a ship like a carnival cruise so uh but you were nice enough to just let me do that and live out that fantasy so that was nice um so my fictional cruise is called the tom cruise and it is a boat and it's an 883 foot replica of tom cruise that floats okay okay pretty the number did you look up like the size of a cruise ship or the exact uh size of the titanic oh oh okay yeah a rather small boat by today's standards yes shut the fuck up dude who oh what who cares you've

never seen the picture of it no i my my tiktok algorithm algorithm is all comparing sizes to things it's yours too no i don't use tiktok but i do like i do like those no i uh yeah like it's just like this is the size of a lifeboat this was the titanic this is the rms something else this is like the russian warships mine's buildings it's space stations it's everything cars i'll always watch those videos on reddit we're just like things getting even if they're fictional things from movie franchises i've never seen like i'll watch a whole star trek thing yes i love the size of the ship yeah i love and it's just like always captioned you want to feel small like i already do yeah and then like people are like oh you should have trigger warned my megalophobia yeah there's so much is a thing so want to see a video about a bunch of big shit

like you should have told me this was coming there's a cool phobia it's like the fear of giant objects underwater it's crazy it's like i'll have to look i'll have to find it but yeah that's a that's not a cool phobia no it, it is, because when you look at it, you kind of get it. You get it. Yeah. But like what would entail you ever experiencing that phobia? I guess a whale. You have to go to the bottom of the ocean.

OK, well, whales are terrific. Yeah. Terrifying. The actual size of the whale, like at the Museum of Natural History. That's a doozy. You get vaccinated under that whale for free you go to museum for free and get vaccinated under the whale really yeah um who's that new guy tell you i do those videos are funny when it's like you want to feel small

and then they compare you to fucking buildings yeah any like building would make me feel small in a shed um we should we should make one of those just like you want to feel small today. And it's just like it's like a photo of the sun. Kyle Kuzma. Bigger than you. the tom cruise is steam powered and the chimney uh comes out of his ass okay he has big fake ass yeah uh tom cruise having three front teeth fucks with me yeah look at his face or no he has just a he has a middle tooth right middle tooth it's off-centered and it's very weird it's a once you see you can't unsee it yeah it fucks with your brain mightily um the uh tom cruise also functions as an aircraft carrier if needed um as far as the entertainment goes uh rather than having an in-house comedian uh there is a nightly improv show slimmer similar to whose line is it anyway uh they couldn't agree upon a title um right now they sort of have a working title of the nautical citizens brigade.

Rudy Cruise Line. Is it anyway? Oh, yeah. Fuck. This is them. Rudy was a part of that. Trade. Yeah.

No, I mean, I wish I told him they couldn't agree yeah you're right you're right if you if only you were there to put an end to exactly the answer was right in front of them it's cruise line is it anyway the cast it's a cruise line the cast of cruise line is it anyway would be uh nanette andrew dice clay jeff foxworthy and larry the cable guy yeah um the boat also offers a fully operational gun range which is the first in the world cruise ship to have that uh they have a perrier jacuzzi beautiful that would feel awesome yeah that would be cool uh hatchet throwing uh they also offer a spelling bee if you want to partake in that there should be like instead of bar trivia nights bar spelling

bees yeah that would be hilarious to go to. That would be fun. Should we put one of those on? Yeah, that'd be very fun. I would go to that over a trivia night. A hundred percent. That'd be super fun. That's why it's on the Tom Cruise.

They also have a fully functioning movie theater on the boat that only plays Rain Man on loop. There is a Scientology conversion class and there is a replica set of Oprah's studio where you can go inside of it and jump on the couch and have a mental breakdown. Beautiful. There's also an onsite plastic surgeon who will, in his words, in quotes, will do his best to make you look like Tom Cruise. So there's no guarantee. Okay. For the food, there's six Hooters on the ship. That's the only food you can have is Hooters.

That's 12 titties. It is. There's six Hooters on the ship. That's the only food you can have is Hooters. That's 12 titties. It is. And so for the packages that are offered in terms of the ticketing, there is a Top Gun VIP package that allows you to bomb a pod of whales in F-16. Beautiful.

Which is on the ship. As I said, it's a functioning aircraft carrier. The Minority Report package allows surplus refugees from Texas to be transported to the cruise where they can stay free of charge if they agree to do odd jobs around the ship. Yeah. The Rain Man package is reserved for. Wait, minority report. They've dropped them off somewhere else. Yeah.

The Rain Man package is reserved for the neurodivergent patrons. It includes full amenities and free access to the boat's train horn whatever can can abled adults play mentally challenged anymore because leo did it and stuff um uh who was who was and she tried to like get a regular person to play an autistic girl and she got i think the last person to do it was laboff no i think uh no johnny knoxville was on a disney channel movie yeah the most recent one was uh affleck that's but wait he played a not affleck oh he played a autistic guy in the accountant yeah he's a monster so the So the result is we're just having years of just no special needs people being depicted in cinema.

But I don't know. Autistic is different than like Leo was full up. He was whelping and he was flailing. That's the people who need regular body, regular typical people to play because like an

autistic person can still act well yeah yes whereas someone with like the intellectual intelligence of a four-year-old they they they're not going to be able to act on set or behave in any way i think if you want a movie that like has a normal person playing somebody who has a mental disability, you have to balance it out with having somebody with a mental disability playing the parent. You have to flip the roles. Anyway, sorry, Rudy. Yeah. And then for any people out there that are agoraphobes, you can purchase the VR package, which will allow you to stay at home and enjoy the cruise via an Oculus headset. So I'm so excited that VR is probably going to be good enough

when we're in retirement homes. Just throw me in a tube with like an IV and just put the VR on. I hadn't thought about that. That's something I definitely don't want to partake in while I'm healthy living. How dare you, Joey, healthy living individual. Yeah. But when I'm on death's door yeah strap me up and fucking see you later i agree it'd be pretty sweet do you we get barged

in on a lot it's every episode yeah we gotta we gotta stop being we gotta how do we stop being barged uh start being respected by other people we should put like spikes on the door or something or that or a moat or a... It's either respect or spikes. I think spikes garner respect. Or a moat. I think a moat... Like any guy in a Raiders costume uniform, I'm always like, that's a fucking man. Yeah, I respect this guy. Motorcycle helmet, you're a dork for wearing a helmet. Spike on it, game on.

Exactly. A moat would work well, too. Oh, a moat? Yeah, because it insinuates that we're rich. Moats are rich people things. For sure. Royalty. Yeah, you're right. Tom Brady had one in Brooklyn.

Did he actually have a moat? It was very small, but yes. It wasn't like a moat moat, but yeah, it was like they had a little bridge you had to cross. I mean, you could walk over it, but it was listed as a moat. I apologize, Brady. You're right. Yeah, that is only for the rich. Apology accepted.

It'd be funny if they're getting ready to invade, and then they do the scouting report, and they're like, alright, did you look at the castle? They're like, yeah. He's like, don't say it. He's like, they have a moat. Moat. Fuck! There's no way we can get past this little tiny river. You could swim. Moats? Fuck moats!

Well, they fill it with alligators. That's not true. No was that's that's not essential no that oh that's essential to the most humongously important every moat has alligators or crocodiles that stuff that'll fuck your day up if it doesn't it's a lazy river so that's what separates a lazy river from a reptile yeah or the reptile so an alligator could never enjoy a lazy river because it would then become a moat yeah bummer dude that sounds like a kid's book yeah yeah that is a terrible existence that sucks i think the alligator is enjoying the moat like we would enjoy the lazy river but he has to live but yeah it's knowing it's not a lazy river so technically he's never enjoyed a lazy river right it's impossible

to yes that's like you can't be a straight person fucking a dude because as soon as you break the threshold, you're gay. You can never know what it's like. You can never know what it's like as a straight man, what it's like to fuck a dude. It's a good point. It's a good point. Thanks, guys. It's a great point. Yeah.

Yeah, that was pretty fucking profound. It was. It was. You stunned me. No straight man will know what that's like. No. Fuck. All right. That was a new Untold Story episode. man will know what that's like. No. Fuck. All right.

That was a new Untold Story episode. Oh, we didn't do the episode number. Also, what is the number? Does Mook have anything he's supposed to do? Okay. Mook was, his assignment was just to be a little red. A plus. Yeah, mission accomplished.

Not quite as good as me, I feel like. I feel like I'm pretty flushed right now. Dude, this is a saturated-ass episode. Golly. Books like the King James Bible. 315. Area code is... It's always fun to do.

315. 315 Midwest. It feels like you should know. I've definitely heard that before. Yeah. Syracuse. Syracuse. I was close.

Fitting we were talking about you guys. Go orange. Yeah. Hell yeah. Cool. Good episode. Happy Halloween. Be safe.

Check your candy.