A New Untold Story - ICBM's - A New Untold Story: Ep. 417

Episode Date: October 10, 2024

new platson, wild bill, icbm's, parlays, and even some james charles. Ads: Gametime - Download the Gametime app today and use code UNTOLD to easily score great deals with the new Gametime Picks! Rocket Money - Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to https://RocketMoney.com/UNTOLD. BetterHelp - A New Untold Story is sponsored by BetterHelp. Visit https://BetterHelp.com/NEW today to get 10% off your first month. CANN - Head to https://DrinkCann.com and use code STORY30 for 30% off your order of Cann and get free shipping.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, a new one told story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcast, Spotify or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad free on Amazon Music. Check, check one, two. Yeah. And we're good to go with clap. And not the kind that Rudy Kyle Kyle. Kyle clap. You mean you're going to reply to what I'm going to say? No, you're just going to say, no, that's a new one. Hey, is that story over say? No, you're just gonna say like No, that's a new untold story

Hey, is that story old or told? Fuck no, baby! It's a new untold story A new untold story It's a fresh-baked untold story A new untold story Go ahead and do the intro, dude A new untold story

Did your voice crack? Did it crack? It did, your voice cracked. New untold story. Episode 417. Whoa. Time flies. What's the, what is that?

417 is Southwestern Missouri. Yuck, should I say yuck? Yes. Okay. Twice. I did. Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck. Springfield, Joplin, Branson, Southwest Missouri.

Oh my God, this was a depressing search. The research was, it made me sad. Just looking at it? Finding out about it. The area is naturally kind of pretty, but vacant businesses, abandoned homes, trailer parks, culty territorial Christians, methamphetamines. Wow, you can say that for a lot of places.

I feel like you can, but I feel like this one especially. Anybody you talk to about their hometown, just like it's the meth capital of the world. Midwest is meth, everywhere else is heroin. This one is especially bad. New Jersey is like the armpit of America. Then this southwestern Missouri is the Trevor Phillips armpit of America. Who's Trevor Phillips?

From Grand Theft Auto. He's gotta stink. He's gotta stink. He's gotta stink. That's the sebaceous infected cyst on the underside of your eyelid. So the only reason to live there is the cost of living, which makes for a sad scene. Like maybe people have nicer trucks and bigger televisions,

but no one's happy, No one's pretty people are poor There's one rich guy The inventor of the Bratz doll lives the inventor of the Bratz doll lives in a so that was a guy who woke up It's just like what if Barbies were sluts and whores yeah, and didn't have noses So he just lives in a big fucking mansion just the Bratz man the most conservative people in our country. And he lives with his wife, never mind his husband. Oh, yeah, the inventor of the Bratz doll being straight would be the upset of the century. Right. So he's a gay man who lives in a very poor conservative and he lives in his brats mansion. Oh this is such a like fun facts. Oh yeah he's gay. And he's a brat yeah. Oh he is a brat. Mm-hmm. Has he done anything bratty? I don't know I think he's gotten into some legal issues some copyright issues which is gay. Plagiarism is gay? Mm-hmm. It's the only place in the world where cassette tapes are still made. Oh that is sad

That's really sad In 1958 the town was terrorized by 11 cobras that escaped from a pet shop Terrorized terror I mean what brazer like imagine if 11 cobras you don't know where they are Do they have to unleash like mongooses they are? Imagine if 11 Cobras you don't know where they are. Do they have to unleash like mongooses? They, uh, I think people like just were yielding weapons and running them over with their trucks. Cobras are huge and fast and mean and aggressive. That would suck. And a boy named, the culprit was a boy named Carl Barnett, little Carl.

Little Carl released 11 Cobras? Yeah, he let them out after he was sold a dead fish. Wait, explain. Wait, wait, wait. Was it a crime of revenge? Yeah, was that a crime of passion? It was a they sold the pet shop owner sold him a dead fish That's on Carl for not realize. It's a dead should have known instantly. That's then he released 11 Cobra Where'd he get Cobra it from the pets from the pet store? Why did they have Cobra buying a Cobra 11 Cobras 11 Cobra city was that in Springfield, Missouri? Yeah, is that the capital?

No, that's capital of Illinois. Ah Mm-hmm. Thanks. So the whole time like fucking southwest, Missouri sucks so bad but southwest new Plattson is ironically the We doing this best region we doing this the best region in the post continental us It's district six okay of the hunger games now new Platts and is divided into eight districts Originally act like I should know this did you know that Rudy no no district one through eight well They are originally made to accommodate the mph saa sports teams and worse Well, they were originally made to accommodate the NPH saa sports teams and horse and P It's coming back to me now I mean for people listening that don't know they probably do this is probably like one person

It's a girlfriend driving with her boyfriend on a road trip reluctantly. She'll break up with him in weeks New Plattson is a state Kyle made when when did you first come up with new Plattson 2005 how what yeah so it started off rough um it started are there any remnants of 2005 new Plattson and yeah so no like a lot of it is like the name new Plattson i think it sucks um this the capital yeah you can't i can't change so ingrained in my in my brain and in my can you be real for a second? No, jokey stuff. Yeah, how do you think about new Platts and every day? That's an understatement

It's an understatement. It's like I that's why I'm recommending this to people new Create a state and just have it gradually evolve in your head I think people will rush it. You'll get like, well, yeah, don't rush it. So day one of new plats in 2005, what did you have shape and name? Shape, which sucks. It's a it's a square with a. Oh, it's a square island with the north. The northwest corner is like a finger. It's called the ringless finger because everyone in District

one is rowdy and they don't get married. They don't date. They just fuck. But district six. Okay. So yeah, the districts started as the MPHSAA regions and gradually transcended into the cultural boundaries that everyday people use. So this started as a combination of all of your interests. High school sports, geography, and what, wrestling? Yeah, a lot of people there are wrestlers. Wrestlers are the stars. They're the pop singers of. And it's a square island.

It's pretty square, yeah. So it's just a picture of square. What ocean is it in? The Atlantic. Okay, how far out? So it's just a picture of square and what ocean is it in the Atlantic? Okay, how far out? Between Bermuda and Maryland, okay, but the climate is perfect. Okay So district six is the most geographically diverse and culturally. Okay, there's a lot going on in district six

So you got the Sanderson Bay? San the Bay Valley. Okay, what are they known for that separates Sanderson City and Covington Cove Sanderson City? Brazilians Brazilians dancing Brazilians that asses yeah the coast is do they have like the prettiest women in the whole state summary does but So picture it's called small Paulo is the area along the coast of the bay small Paul. That's like yeah Like it's like little Brazil little little salt Paul is a line it's line with DJs But the DJs do the sets and they face away from the audience and that the Brazilian dancers face toward the audience Is this your imagination if you were a DJ you would face away from yeah, I don't need yeah

Look, I said all the stars are humble a new platz No, no dickheads a new platzen um it will that's the the uf3 will take care of that the unfuck with the bulls The gang that's there in South Shore. They just they're vigilantes that they make sure people stay nice people stay humble and like you know Kyle this is a manifestation of of this is just your essence if you were a state Yeah, this is like all your own fantasies about what you could have been or what you want to be Yeah, I know and the Brazilians are dancing Brazilians dance company Cove is a lot more that is so wrestler coded as they'd say Oh, I'm gonna be unfuck wittable when I grow up. Yeah, when did that guy? I made that up when I was like 18. Okay, but I stick with it. Yeah, you have to

Tillsville is the big city. It's more inland. They're known for zinc and ecstasy zinc. It's a zinc mining town But they pioneered rave culture a new plaid sin I reached out to a cartographer this past week, a couple, and one of them who was really awesome responded so fast and was like kinda down, but they wanted to be for the yak when they found out it was for this, not so much. I'm the god, I'm the one who will create the map.

You wanna create the map? I was gonna get like an artist. Yeah, once I got a, because a lot of the things are just concepts in my head that I've only thought about, so I really gotta like etch out the details. What, Tiltville, is that what you said? Tiltville's the big city.

Is it the biggest city? There was an MDMA epidemic from 2008 to 2012. When were you doing MDMA? After that. Oh, yeah? I invented it, yeah, there's a lot to it Queen Valley you got Mac Jones from Furman Junction slide Dell from Southridge slide down celebrities He's what slide up. He's Earl sweatshirt. I'm really hot Who was Mac Jones was that did you make him before other Mac Joe yeah, yeah, he's a white rapper

Like Mac Miller like Mac Miller More boyish More boyish Mac Miller how the up built Bullridge University is the big party college Connor Aguetti came out of there. He was a four time state champ, Hunter Garan, Samson Sackalos, uh, Zink Heights is the suburb, Dennington, Queen Valley. Um, then you get into the South shore and they, they are the pioneers of roast culture and slang and street slang. And are they, is it a black area?

It's well, it's black, but it, but it's more so Brazilian and Italians. And they have an older brother, younger brother relationship with each other, but both think they're the older brother. Oh, cool. There's a lot of Brazilians and Italians. And a lot of cross-breeders. The Italian males love the Brazilian women, so you've got a lot of halves.

Girly Beach. It's called Girly Beach. Girly Beach, like Todd Girlie. Okay. Rivera Beach, Caldwell Beach, Dorman Shores. You got the Dandara Mountains, their lush green mountains. Is this still in District 6?

Still in District 6. There is a docu-series called The Many Tribes of District 6. Kyle. Kyle, buddy. And then you got the Carmen Lakes, named after a girl named Carmen, who drowned to death while she also saved

her eight-year-old sister. She was 12, Carmen Lakes. Jesus Christ. This camp, Carmen, is the music festival. This is all in District 6. First of all, I need a, would it be a psychologist to react to this? Yeah, they'd probably wanna know more about...

District six. Okay, what is the shittiest part of the state? Casita. Casita? Yeah. What about Casita? It's where all the unsuccessful people from Eisenhower were forced to move, the untalented people.

You forced people to move? Yeah, Eisenhower is forced to move. The untalented people were forced to move. You forced people to move? Eisenhower is a utopia of talent, success, and confidence. So you made a law? They get free housing in Casita or Beach City, but Beach City still knows. So we're doing socialism? I don't know, yeah.

Who's the governor? I don't know, politicians, I don't care about politicians. Well, you can't scoff at these questions. I know, know I know you're right. You're right. I'm sorry There's many things I haven't gotten to like okay. I'm sorry keep going it does feel like I'm so It's hard to act like a god or like we ask him questions. He's like The God do people move out No, everyone just moves in fastest It's fastest growing state place. And what's the policy on on people coming in?

You say it's like you have to apply. You have to apply to live there. You have to apply to live there. What's the application like portfolios allowed? Who looks at the application? I don't know. I don't really think about government entities. OK. And is there like a sorting hat or do you just go to the district that you think you like the best?

No, it's like a real it's like a picture of a real state. Okay. So it's not really totally. So this is the southwest. That's the southwest. Yeah. What what about the most northern region? District one and district two. Sure. What's up there?

I started trying to draw the map. Oh, I hate it when you go to your pockets. This is this very loose start up district one. That's really good. I love it when you're actually really good. Let me see. Is that the ringless finger?

That's the ringless finger. That's what everybody's called. The North Coast This is Port Crimson does it get cold up there? No, it's perfect whether you're round And this is Sapphire Island the big party island with yeah blowout fest is there Oh blowout fest is up there Bombay resorts kikimans Was a tear an accident or is that a natural disaster? St.. Peter's mountains up here

St.. Peter's Mountain is at the South St.. Peter. Is there a lot of pleasure houses wait prostitutions? Look what no it's like a pyramid scheme for hot people who have sex the best Do drugs I was in a weird era. I was lonely when I made that ass Tiltz will has the same thing zinc town pink pound what what what is that everyone's candy flippin and fucking? That's why Connor Righetti got kicked out had to transfer to Michigan What's this lake above Maysville, this is the Jefferson ponds it's three lakes if you don't if you know Lake above Maysville. This is the Jefferson Ponds. It's three lakes if you notice.

I do see, I do see. Are they all the same? What's the biggest one? I don't know the names. No, okay, my fault. Fulton Beach, Radisson, Salamore? Salamone. Okay, you got some small towns in here.

Elmer's Glen? Elmer's Glen is a suburb of Eisenhower. It's not small It's about 50,000 people. How big is the state? The state is gigantic About to pass up, California and population. Yes, what about size area wise? It's it's not too big. It's about the size of South Carolina, okay To lead up. So it's just the north. Yeah. Yeah, we need you to go. Yeah, we can stop for now, but no I'm very interested so much better than Southwest, Missouri Pink Savannah pink Savannah. That's where Hayden birch is from he's a three-time state chant

When did you say really mentally ill yeah, this is crazy. What's this big giant circle? Car car that's the capital No, I won't tell you about all the school districts Done before like I wonder what George R. Martin would think of that probably very impressed I feel like those guys are more like fantasy driven like this is like supposed Yeah, this is a utopia with perfect weather and everybody's humble I Guess I don't know if that's like what you call that fantasy or like fiction I think I guess the climate wise it's fantasy but it's still a realistic climate is there crime um yeah but Game of Thrones is a

realistic like has anybody ever been murdered in Dearman's Ferry Deegmans okay sorry no I don't really think about morbid shit like murder just partying This is a perfect representation of every state title This is you this is like a really cool look at your growing up so like yeah What was the what's the earliest memory of new Platts and you have Renaissance and it looked like it's in my head It looked like just wheeling Renaissance. I didn't know any I looked like Appalachia right now over time and now it looks like like If New York's Manhattan was in Florida, that's what Renaissance like now, California This is unbelievable. Yeah, I want more and more

New Jefferson. Yeah, the Titans. Why is it called Maysville? I don't know. Okay. Some things I just named. What? Can you name 20 That you haven't said 20 towns and cities in New Platts and off the top of dome right now. Yes. Okay, go ahead. Winslow, Catherine Park, Quentin City, Candlewood, Ingrams Valley, Sun Valley, Vexen, Semners,

Bostonia, What's the newest town? Charlesbury, St. Petersburg,bury St. Petersburg South St. Peters Lamont so if this is a representation of your life like what was like a like a bad breakup did it ever affect the state did a bad breakup of mine affect the state? well it affected people affected Mackenzie Burdeli uh oh

we're done here we're done here're done you can't end it at that why I Some people why did it affect Mackenzie for some of the people just had? Like I focus on a few people like Andy Michaels Braxton only Mackenzie Burdelli Connor. We get a swag at II Why why did the bad breakup affect him cuz something like aspects of my life? I attribute to some of these people Yes. Yeah. So he was...

I don't want to get personal. I want to get done with this. This whole thing is very personal. I'm sure you have created fake things. Not to this extent. No. I'll do my FIFA, be a pro, and I'll come up with things of like if I'm if I was a pro soccer player This happens and I like make up fan fiction surrounding it kind of like what Tommy does. Yeah, it just seems to imagine if you devoted

20,000 more hours to Right right based on that. I think you could draw the map What are the rules of if you make something up and you it was a cringy era for you? You're 15. Do you retcon it or is it still exists some things? I've changed. What has what have you changed? What have I changed? I'm genuinely so interested in this Summerdale North High School is just a It was way too populated of a school district to just have one school, so it brought, there's like four more now.

Yeah, that is embarrassing, a 15-year-old you to only have one high school in a very populated district. Yeah. Yeah. It's hard, like I even like, you ask me these questions and I have to think, cause it's like I don't have the answers at the top of my head. What if somebody made you a w Wiki and you could fill it? That would be amazing.

That would be cool. Yeah, that would be amazing. Let's have a new Plattson Wiki. You're the only moderator. And you can add and subtract notable people, notable alumni, towns. Okay, I would love that. Yeah? Yeah.

Okay, and I will help any way I can That would be awesome. That would be awesome genuinely. Yeah, all right cool. We'll get that going We'll get that going all right Barstool's favorite app the barstool employees favorite app and hopefully the barstool listeners favorite app it's game time Kyle and I use it Rudy uses it MOOC uses it mm-hmm all kinds of events Sabrina carpenter this Sunday Oh, I used it to have that I'm going to see the story so far hell. You can go see if monkey boys in theaters. You can go my ticket Well, it might be Fuck we might drop at the 25th. We're gonna. I think we're gonna drop it, but anyways yeah game time

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on the new Game Time picks. What time is it? Game Time. I'll be at John's Summit this weekend. Oh, whoa. courtesy of Game Time. So if you see me in the crowd, put those glowy fingers. Yeah, mesmerize you.

Mesmerize Rudy, please. All right. Do you guys like losing money or saving money? Saving. Saving and finding. I'm pro saving money and myself as well. And that's why I like Rocket Money. It helps you find and dig up subscriptions

that you forgot about. Yeah, I've been using it, so not only does it get rid of your unwanted subscriptions, but it helps you manage your budget. I've been paying $10 a month for something that's your fault, the Splice app. That's the best app. I've used it once.

I canceled the subscription via Rocket Money. All right, well I had The Splice app. That's the best app. I've used it once. I canceled the subscription via Rock and Money. All right. Well, I have the Splice app, but Rock and Money Yeah, cancels. You're about to do an ad for the Splice app. I was about to. It's perfect. But so so it's rock. Yeah, but it's telling me like, like financially what I'm doing wrong and what I'm not doing right.

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And it's quick. Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash untold, U-N-T-O-L-D, that's rocketmoney, R-O-C-K-E-T-M-O-N by going to rocket money calm slash untold you and to LD That's rocket money or CK et M. Oh any white calm slash untold rocket money calm slash untold I like us becoming a history podcast mm-hmm. I know I've been having fun with it. You pitched a man today. I did Wild Bill Hickok, so wild Bill Hickok, that's like the one cool thing about Springfield. He got in one of his duels, like face-to-face pistol duels in Springfield with a guy named

Davis Tut. This is like one of the very few instances of this type of duel actually happening. The type that's been popularized by Western films and cinema. These types of duels didn't actually happen that often we're like you were face to face with a gun and had a shootout this was one of them this was one it was over a watch was it over a watch so the guy he was gambling with Davis tut yeah beat him bad and gambling and Bill Hickok owed him $25,

which I'd imagine was a lot. Probably a lot of money. And so as collateral, Wild Bill gave him a watch and he was like, this is collateral, I better not see this on your wrist. He sees it on Davis's wrist. That's right. Duel.

Yeah, Davis was like a town drunk. Yes, but Wild Bill. No, Wild Bill was a drunk. He was a ruffian who had delight in beating or seeing women some. He loved scaring shy men and something. Did he love scaring shy men and taking advantage of weak women?

By nature, a ruffian, a drunken swaggering fellow who was delighted to frighten nervous men and timid women. What does that mean? That was his hobbies, dude. He loved to frighten. He was Ashton Kutcher. He was not a woman beater. Probably was. Yes he was. Yes he was. So interesting upbringing. Like he's kind of like one of those guys that I think is like half fake like Ernest Hemingway Because like a lot of it was just what he said happened. Yeah killed like 20 natives He grew up in Illinois like Hemingway Town called Homer, okay, and ended up in Springfield. All right

But his child at home was used as a station for the underground railroad So his family was all big anti slavery. Yeah, he fought for the north. Yeah, so with the kid his house was I don't know slaves were just chilling died now, and I suppose wonder if that made him mad What why I don't know there's probably he's probably lived in a small house Yeah, it's kind of a hard guy to like pin down I feel like I hate slavery, and I love beating women Well, yeah, yeah Yeah, it's usually usually love slavery and oh no no no no I feel like there's a lot of Anti-slavery woman beaters I guess so

so he moves to Kansas and joins the Jay hawkers That's another like vigilante anti-slavery group. Oh cool. They start clowning them first up. He has red hair Oh, I didn't know that he had red hair as a kid and They called him they called him Shanghai bill What what does red hair have to do with because he was? thin and short so he was like he grew a mustache and he was like nah fuck that

I'm wild bill that's what you gotta do I'm wild bill Shanghai bills so much cooler So now I'm I'm wild bill Shanghai bills so much cooler Shanghai bills sounds cool. Yeah, oh before that they called him duck bill. Oh cuz oh no Oh, that's a tough duck. That's a clever. No, that's a clever nickname of his beak Yeah, and his protruding lips Shanghai mook shang nam why I'm wild bill Mustard And his protruding lips. Shanghai mook. Shanghai, nah I'm wild. I'm wild Bill. All right, you have a mustache. Don't fucking shoot me or terrorize me.

Chill out, I'm a nervous man, leave me be. Then he shot a bear in the head and it ricocheted off the bear's skull, the bear's fine. The bear pummels him, crushes all of his bones. Wild Bill has his arm stuck in the bear's mouth and still manages to slit its throat to death All right now you're wild Mustache it's the bear attack you get it mustache or not a Cinnamon bear yeah

Interesting stuff. What's a cinnamon bear? I have no idea. Do you have any more on him? No, I think he just, I know the way he died. He got shot in the back of the head. Yeah, he always, he was playing poker. But that's what's the dead man's hand. That was his hand, like a two pair or something.

Yeah. But I was laughing, I was the that was his hand like a two-pair. Yeah But I was laughing I was reading the Wikipedia about him Hit the first duel he was arrested for killing the guy The guy's last words were like my brother's I'm shot which that's a good last He got shot in the heart, but the lawyer that got Wild Bill off was the most southern old old timey lawyer name of all time. Oh, like I do declare.

Yeah. Wait, what's his name? A dual Davis Tut. Scroll down. This is a scroll up an upstanding citizen. Oh, right there. Sempronius H. Boyd was his attorney. Maybe the judge knows his lawyer Sempronius H Boyd was his attorney. Or maybe the judge, no it was his lawyer. Sempronius H Boyd. This is the coolest era of history.

Of all time. Yeah, they had some sick names. The Wild West. Yeah, cause like towns would just get taken over by cowboys and you'd have to like hire an outlaw to be your marshal to kill that cowboy. And then he would take over and be bad. Well there was like the era of like prairie pirates. Yeah, oh that's what, he grew up in the prairie, to kill that cowboy. And then he would take over and be bad.

Well, there was like the era of like prairie pirates. Yeah, oh, that's what he grew up in the prairie, the outlaw prairie land where the outlaws just ruled the town. You rolling into town, this one's mine. Yeah. Until somebody, it was like a game. It was a lot of dibs culture too with women.

Oh yeah. Just rolling into bars, getting drunk, playing gambling and calling dibs on women. And then, yeah, you rolling into bars getting drunk playing gambling and calling dibs on women And then yeah, you have always seemingly have to have like a fight to the death with an enormous beast Yeah, it seems to be that way, but I don't know how many of these things are true or not But then he was like rolling across the country. He like killed a bunch of Native Americans But then he took six of them. They were like rolled as a crew up to Niagara Falls I didn't even get to put on a show. Oh, yeah? But then he lost his vision due to syphilis.

Wow. It got to his eyes? I guess, I think it does. Like don't koalas have syphilis in their eyes? Chlamydia. Ah, thank you Rudy. Actually Nick. Excuse me Nick.

Oh my God. Yeah, interesting cat. Wow. And that's just the beginning of his life. He was recommended for the position of deputy field marshal. After his murders, they were like, he'd be a good deputy.

That was the thing, they always do the most wild shit, and they're like, bro, you should govern. You should kill. You should do this on a professional level. You should govern the town. I feel like Hunter S. Thompson was sort of the last of that. Like he tried to bring that back. Well, Johnny Depp tried to do that.

Now he's just like a bad guy. Johnny Depp and Hunter S. Thompson, what is the weird relationship? He like paid for his funeral and shot him out of a cannon, shot him out of a cannon. Yeah, it looked like LeBron's pregame ritual. Yeah.

But just Hunter S. Thompson's ashes. Yeah. Interesting guy A new untold story is sponsored by better help Halloween lets us have fun with what scares us But all of those fears that don't involve zombies or ghosts or ghouls or other beasts therapy is a great tool for facing your fears and finding ways to overcome them. Because sometimes the scariest thing

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FDA Kyle you gambling this week. Oh claim to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease and have not been evaluated or proved by the FDA. Kyle, you gambling this week? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. What you got? What do you got? I don't know if I can do mine, dude. Mine are, mine are, I've exhausted the NFL.

I have too. I'm sticking with them. I look at the first names, the last names, bits of each, defense, offense, non-starters. It's over for me in the NFL. I have a... I can't do it. I'll do it.

I have a... We we're packing for I have Time to get up thumb aids running man, and that's uh as me deaf voicing That's Keller wake forest, and that's a Utah hockey club Clayton Keller to score a goal And wake for a far-set Clemson Yeah, dude. Oh, that's who it is Yeah, I don't want to do this anymore yeah, I have the escaped Chinese centrist what is that It's a Chinese man at a voting booth

In America he's voting for the first time you can't pick you can't figure it out. He's sitting there. He's a comara Harris or car knowledge You gotta speak up here Harris or Darnold or Donald Darnold scored Arnold you select Sam Darnold forgot about Sam. Who did you think? Aaron Darnold who isn't a person I'm only on my second year watching. Yeah, and then he can't pick so he selects all and that's Alvin Kamara,

Najee Harris and Sam Darnold all to score. Oh come on. Yeah, that's possible. Mm-hmm I got a baseball one playoff baseball Where the fuck Ned Flanders bitch ass be at you can't just spring that on us all right what do you have what who do you have for what where the fuck Ned Flanders bitch ass be at fam be wit Homer that's Tommy fam and and Bobby wit to hit a homer in the Yankees Royals game What do you got um Don't show me that goatsy image again you guys know what goatsy is yeah, that's what you put your balls in an ass or something no No, it goats. He is yeah, it's what you put your balls in an ass or something no

Search it mook It's a it's a famous man that can really spread his ass. Oh, I hate this I hate this I can't do this It's uh yeah, go ahead good images. Oh, no, it's none of these. I can't it looks just like that pro lapsed asses No, it's not a prolapsed ass. It's just really really poor. I still can't look I don't like that Yeah, yeah, I will not look okay, and that's all that we have Yeah, so for context I have a don't show me that goatsie image again. That's no more brown spread and that's a New Orleans no Elijah Moore mm-hmm and then the Brown spread, Brown Bears to cover the spread against Rhode Island.

Yep, yep. Fuck yeah. Action. You gotta tail that. I got the Louisiana Purchase. America wins, the natives lose. Ooh. Liberty?

It's not that complex. Competition. It's the Saints, Broncos, Vikings, Texans, Cowboys, all to win. Those are the states that were purchasing the Louisiana Purchase. Oh, I do like the Louisiana Purchase. Google to make sure that that's actually right. I did. Did you take it?

Yep. And then Washington Commanders, Redskins obviously, to lose, and the Kansas City Chiefs to lose. Now the bye week fucks this entire thing up, so you gotta wait on that. Also fucks up the first one too. Yeah, I've been ignoring the bi-week. Fuck the bi-week. Yeah. You have any other ones that you have to accent for?

Oh shit, is that Will from Fresh Prince? I gotta go tell him how obsessed I am with Jeffrey. That's a... Hi Smith, Love Butler. Heywood Hi Smith, Kevin Love and Jimmy Butler all to hit the points over for Miami. Kevin Love is still in the NBA? Yes.

Damn. He's sexy. He is, compared to what he was, he is considerably sexier. Yeah, he was, it wasn't even the pudge. It was just like a very unsexy aura about him Maybe that was just a bit fat. Yeah a little bit even unsexy aura. I had I have the alternate universe where MLK lives That's a king ducks and a southern miss The organ ducks and southern miss

That's good That scrawny little's the LA Kings the organ ducks and Southern Miss. That's good That scrawny little terrainy boy has wands for legs Nick's future sons magic calves Throw a future on the Knicks to win the championship the sons magic and calves all to win this Caz all to win this Want to get a live studio audience in here, but have it be like two people like four people I but like I don't want that cuz they're just gonna stare and not laugh Which is a nightmare? Which is a fucking nightmare oh the central

What you got? These are my backups. What do you mean your backups? The central Florida zoo had retired senior citizens helping out last weekend. How sweet. Hopefully nothing went wrong. And that's Gators 8 volunteers over 55.

The Florida Gators in number 8 Tennessee to score over 55 points please do the 49ers one oh I got the 49ers over 48 and a half how could you not how could you fucking not it's right there yeah that's one of those ones you're like, whoa, yeah, yeah, obviously. Begging for it's forty and a half. I'm going to take the forty nine.

You bet. Silly, the best. Gay survivor rice and cocks tied over the islanders. Rice to win. South Carolina Gamecocks and Alabama Crimson Tide hit the over the islanders. Wait, what's rice have to do with this? They all, in Survivor they just eat rice. In Gay Survivor they eat rice and cocks. Oh yeah, in Gay Survivor.

Yeah, it tides them over If you want to if you want to look stylish on your October Bachelorette trip, but still want to be in the Halloween spirit pack orange jackets and heels North Carolina two overs date North North Carolina State and Syracuse and then Georgia Tech and North UNC My wife just doesn't do it for me anymore Edie at home and hard away Hornets and Tim Hardaway jr. Against the Sun Predators at home smash the under

You're sick fuck oh Man good like I was like over 40 last weekend over 40. That's gonna feel not great You get you just can't you can't keep trying the first touchdown parlay's You just can't you just can't or you or you have to keep trying. Yeah one or the other There's no in between like stopping you got to just really keep doing it or give it up I hit a plus 700 parlay and felt nothing Why because I want to hit the fuck we're all chasing Jason gold in the platinum. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah

Yeah, I just don't know how to do it. I haven't sniffed a win since Since since the Google search since the declaration now, so you have to you haven't had a win You're in sham. I've. I've had meaningless little wins. Yeah. Meaningless. Like a hundred bucks. Yeah. That's good money.

I've been spending money and right now I'm trying to, I'm, it's in my cart. But have you guys seen Law and Order SVU? Yes. Some scenes. Do you know what SV? Special Victims. Yeah, yeah, so, their,

Mook, I sent you the picture. They have a, there's an episode where they have their softball team play. Do you have the photo, Mook? Yeah, I'm about to airdrop it. I wanna buy this softball jersey from Law and Order SVU, but I don't think I can wear it And I would like you guys to be the judge Okay, so it's there the law and order teams where where would you be able to wear a softball Jersey?

I think like here we can wear goofy. Oh, it's not the buttoned-up one. No, it's just their t-shirt Sex crime sex crimes they wore that in the show Because that was their division that there a mascot no that was their division they have that she has the sex crimes Jersey but the sex crime softball Jersey I Don't think I could wear it that's insane I Think that's not even like really like they didn't have to do Like that would never happen Sex crime curly-ass font they have their own softball to the sex crap getting beat by the sex crimes

Like what was the other ones like arsonist just like their units yeah? It's like oh, we're up against sex crimes. Is there a wife beaters one? I don't I dude. I don't know But I it was in the show. She was wearing their softball Jersey That's insane, and they don't they don't make any Acknowledgement of it not really they don't make a joke. No, it just says she's rocking the sex crimes And it's just underlined in a nice font. Yeah, it's like a baseball font. That is insane. Three-quarter sleeves, sex crimes tee. Yeah, you can definitely wear that, dude.

We just put it in the barstool, let's do the anus. Yes, you can get away with that, yeah. Just throw a barstool logo on that. Let's add that along with- Put it in the store. Let's add that with the long sleeve shorts. Yeah, perfect, yeah, I love that. Yeah. I was thinking,

I saw the paparazzi had an incident where they tried to force Sydney Sweeney out of her parents' house and make her like, we'll leave if she comes out in a bikini. The paparazzi are like the last bastion of barbaric, rapacious pests in the American workforce. And they just get away with it. Yeah, like threatening, like we'll leave you alone if you...

You can, they can, I guess legally, show up to someone's home and like, I guess as long as they're on the street. Smash on their windows and like, come out Sydney, come out naked, and then we'll leave. Sydney, get out of here naked. Come on. Just one naked, Come on, just one naked. Just one, just one naked.

The craziest thing about that headline is that they're like, we're being reasonable here. Yeah, they were like, then we'll leave. We'll leave if you just come out here and do a few jumping jacks. It's like not that big of a deal. It's crazy. Is she still married?

I don't know. The other thing is that there's a fucking scene on a HD scene of her tits out. Yeah, you could see her naked HD, like I don't know what it is. But no, she still will go viral. Apparently HBO leaked her tits. HBO, what do you mean they leaked her tits?

Maybe I didn't look into it far. Like they were in the show. I could only read so many words about Sidney Sweeney. Until what? You had to go visual. You gotta start pounding off. It's like five words jerk off, and it gets exhausting. Can't even get a paragraph.

No. The words start jiggling in your mind. The, the, the, yeah. The letter S right now is just, I can't even. Well, S is sexy. S is sexy. S is sexy. I have a big crush on S.

I got a this day in history for you guys. Yeah. What you got? So this is today or tomorrow? October 10th, so when this comes out. October 10th. This is today the eighth? No.

Today's the ninth homeboy. Oh shit. Oh it is. October 10th, 1967, the the eighth No, it is ninth homeboy shit. Oh it is October 10th 1967 the outer space treaty was enacted Basically what that was is that they realized they could put ICBMs in space and so they got together and I was like yo ICBMs enter continental Mama's iced out Your shit with diamonds Baby mama that baby's starving and you got a new chain. What the fuck

Saw you bussin down on snapchat With the ice Bitch what are you doing in Cartier? Yeah, come on What am I sending you money for? I don't see a box of Pampers The snow cone chain on So what did they do with the ice they said that they got everyone got ICBMs in space On snapchat so help me god if you're in the ISS bitch

If you're in the ISS in a new ass top fuck you bitch. How are you gonna get back home? ICBMs in space? Yeah, and they... We gotta make a treaty about this. This is dangerous. We need a summit. And so they said that they couldn't have WDMs in space. WDMs?

WMDs, excuse me. Oh, that's not not MOOCs direct message. Not a W in that DM. Da da. And I don't know what that means. I don't know what it means. I don't know. Basically, it said you can't you can't put nukes in space.

Yeah, they were like, everyone's wild and that's cool, but no nukes in space. Real thing I want to talk about is that that whole thing led to Project Thor, which is something I've actually wanted to talk about for a long time. Is that them dropping tungsten? It is kinetic warfare. Yeah. Is that not allowed either? So kinetic warfare. So basically the U.S. is like, all right, we can't put nukes in space, but of course we have some some clever motherfuckers. They're like, we could put we can't put nukes in space, but of course we have some clever motherfuckers. They're like, we could put humongous telephone pole-sized tungsten rods in orbit.

And theoretically, if you drop it from orbit, it'll be going Mach 10, and by the time it hits the ground, it'll be 24,000 pounds going Mach 10, which is the equivalent of 7,000 miles per hour. That's so sick. And it would create an explosion equal to a small nuclear hour. That's so sick. And it would create an explosion equal to a small nuclear blast. That's so sick.

And it's just weight. Just drop it. What size tungsten? A telephone pole. Rods from God. Rods from God. Yeah. Oh my God.

Dude, that was the Virgin Mary's excuse. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Rods from God. Wait, that's a Barstool blog. That's a barstool. Barstool. Dante. He's on. Watch this when you're high.

An absolutely devastating weapon that almost got a very easy to make weapon. Never got done because getting them up into space was obviously very heavy and very expensive But the craziest thing is that in theory they are like what way more effective than iced out baby mamas because you can't trace them Okay, that's always a kid's ice up. Yeah, I stop baby. I'm always that leave a paper trail

They got a flex on you know I mean, but they have no explosive material They have no rockets on them. So they just come straight down You can't shoot them down and it just vaporizes everything iced out. Bami. Mama's love that dog dog filter on snapchat. Mm-hmm. Yeah So yeah, that was that was I just want to talk about Project Thor pretty dope that is pretty fun Our internet you like you and I have the same exact internet and I use it for much different things. Because I was looking up the leaked Lindsay Lohan fuck list. Yeah, I remember that. So you'd think that that would be me, but it's not.

Yeah, no, it's me. I remember this. She was in AA and she had like one of the, I think it was like a pervy ass like counselor. He's like, I think what would help is if you wrote down all the names of the guys you fucked. And then somebody took a picture and sold it. And it is a good list.

It's on the Scategory Scorecard. It is on a category sheet. Wait a minute, did she write it on a category sheet? 12. Holy shit. It might just be a game of Scategories. It is an impressive list. She has great handwriting.

Don't flirt. Dude, I'm sorry, but are you on this list? I'm sorry, but girls with good handwriting that is a sexy quality who else has good really good handwriting like black dudes like hood black dudes Have you ever changed your handwriting no, I'm on my fifth iteration I From school have you ever changed your handwriting? No, I'm on my fifth iteration I alternate upper and lower case kind of like whenever I want it's weird. I don't know I'm in my all caps area. Well, I am school except for the I my my oh, that's feminine I just can't do the I like I just can't do the capital I well, it's not even a line It just doesn't click. I gotcha. Yeah, look at this list

Evan Peters, Justin. Benicio del Toro, Heath Ledger. Justin Trudeau. Oh, Timberlake, sorry. Yeah. Yeah. Colin Farrell. Heath Ledger. Yes, Jamie Dornan.

Wilder Valderrama. Good, good ass list. Ashton Kutcher doesn't shower. Yeah, Ryan, Philippi Played a gay Billy on a soap opera Jeff Nadeau, and I have a dude on there. He's one of the blurred ones, but I know for a fact It's him. Yeah, there's a four-letter one Adam Devine Levine Levine

Joaquin Phoenix Joaquin Phoenix is on there. Oh Zac Efron Efron Fuck toy for yacht boys or yacht boy fuck toy He's on a lot of like Saudi men's list yeah Jamie Dornan 50 shades fuck toy Kyle you don't need to call the men that yeah, I'm trying to diss these dudes by calling my fuck toy Yeah, I guess enjoy your fuck toy do Heath Ledger. How would you do? He was a gay cowboy Cipriani he got Pulverized by a double-decker bus what Danny or was it? Maggio Cipriani, he got pulverized by a double decker bus. What?

Danny, or was it? Maggio Cipriani, he's a fucking gay poster boy. Are you jealous? He's a poster boy for the Peach Bellini. A lot of these guys are whack. Yeah. Imagine dating Lindsay Lohan at this time and you grab a copy of In Touch magazine,

you're just like, oh, let's see what's going on. Oh, Colin Farrell. Colin Farrell fucked everybody. Yeah, he fucked Leto in phone booth. He fucked him in the phone booth. They had some weird scenes. Not an impressive list. What?

Who is blurred out, though, is the question. That's a really good question. Why would they blur some out? Yeah, some maybe it's on the deluxe Yeah, do you have to pay is there anybody that knows? That's a two fuck. That's a two fuck list wait. Who's on the two fuck list? Nick cage Dr.. Drew This is dr. Lew now drew, Drew, Lou and Stu.

And Stu all above it. Miley Cyrus, Rihanna, Katy Perry. The cat is the last one. Yeah. Okay, silly. You know who else got you ever hear the story about I mean, I just learned about I'm sure everyone else knows about it, but Hulk Hogan's sex tape leaking thing.

Yeah, his is out. And he made a bag off Suan Gawker. Yeah, and it was the guy, there was like a gay billionaire that funded it, right? Peter Thiel. Yeah. And it was all because he was divorcing his wife and then went and moved in with his friend

who was like a radio, big radio guy. Hulk Hogan? Yeah. He ended up with a woman that looks just like his daughter. And, but he, the guy that he moved in with had a wife and they were swingers and he liked to watch his wife get fucked so then Hulk Hogan was fucking his wife, sad. Like he was like, sadly.

Wait, go back, Mook. Labeling your sex tape as a short is a tough look. That is, yeah, that is. And then the guy filmed it in secret. Oh My god, wait go up to the IMDB of the whole coke and sex tape He made he won the case what he won was like Bubba the love sponge. I've heard of him I got a radio to the radio. That's the guy radio DJ and cuckold. Yeah Yeah from Warsaw, Indiana

he he won over $100 million though. $100 million? Because it got leaked. And Gawker got butt fucked. But they ended up. It was Gawker that released it? Yeah. Yeah, it was a fascinating story.

I never knew about it. I'm sure most people, it was humongous news and I just missed it. Yeah. Wow. It was humongous news, and I just missed it Yeah, wow 115 million for fucking fucking mm-hmm Shortly tremendous way and sadly was it a sad fuck did you watch it? No, I didn't watch it, but he was just bombed because he was his wife was divorcing him

So he was like okay. I guess I'll fuck your wife sadly and then it got videotaped. Why was she divorcing him. So he was like, okay, I guess I'll fuck your wife, sadly. And then it got videotaped. Why was she divorcing him though? Was he cheating on her? I think, yeah, I believe so. I believe so. How many N words does he have? Well, that was- How many notches of that?

That was what started that. So Gawker then was like trying to fight back. And so they released him saying the N word. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, I think he only has one. But maybe he said it multiple times. Yeah, that was just the one on video.

He was talking with his daughter's boyfriend. Oh, okay. Not great. Why can't people just, I don't know. Not say it? More like the sexual behavior. Oh. What do you mean? Just, why is there, just stop at a certain, like, people always want more and more.

50 Cent says he hasn't had sex in 10 years. Really? Yeah. He said he just focuses on everything else. He says when you give up sex, everything else becomes way better. I believe that. Is that gonna be your next thing? No.

No. You're on a collision course with celibacy. Or at least semen retention. No, I think that's weird. Apparently there's a phase called pink cloud where you're like really excited about stopping something Pink cloud is it anything or weed specifically you're really euphoric. You're like oh my god. This is amazing then You get out of that and it's like back to fucking so you want to start smoking weed again probably

Who would have thunk I? Did I say it last week or did I just say to you you're addicted to quitting? You love me you love it is you start things so you can quit them. Yeah And that's what I think that's you need to quit quitting damn How would I that's the final frontier you got a quick quitting by star my that's and that's gonna feel awesome though I'm gonna have to do it again. Quit? By quitting. Quit starting.

Quit quitting. I don't know. You have to start quitting. You're in a quitting house of mirrors. I am. Yeah, I think you need to start starting. Yeah. Pick up something new. Yeah. Start.

And never quit. By quitting quitting. You just need to take a quitting break Yes, all All right pull up a James Charles shirt popping open and him covering up his nipples like it's a big deal like he has big fat titties James Charles had a nip slip yeah, yeah Yeah, you got so embarrassed Buddy it's fine Dude

You're fine He's gonna in so much trouble. The tabloids. The tabloids are going to be all over this. James Charles nip slip. Oh no. His reaction would have had me been like, oh shit, I'm sorry. If you would have like, his mannerisms are that of a woman with fat fucking tits right that's trying to hide Natural and he's yeah, it was so done that before it wasn't a joke. He is so Yeah, I like I like looked away like oh, I'm sorry it made you he's thought about that before he's like

I want to live this out. I don't I just don't know I'm afraid this video is going to get taken down He reacted so seriously. It's so nice. He's gender is very, very fluid. He is a woman was hit. James, a hot woman. He is talking about that. He's one of the hottest women.

James, I never said one of the hottest James, but top 100 right now. Top 100 top 100 hottie in the game. No, he's hot, but he's Maybe top maybe top 5% in America You were floored by his ass how long would it take for you to find a hotter woman walking the streets In Chicago pretty quickly, but Springfield, Missouri, I would. Would James Charles be the hottest woman

in Springfield, Missouri? It's a college town, so no, but if you went to the next biggest town outside of Springfield, yeah, he'd be the hottest woman in Joplin Mizzurri. Without. Don't be like, oh, you were floored by his perfect ass. Kyle. You were. I feel like this conversation was going to an end. Your jaw dropped at his perfect ass.

You were floored, I was staggered. And you had to hold it in. You had to internalize the awe. Rudy bit his bottom lip. I I listen I'm not questioning that it was a fat I'm not say like we can strip any attraction or sexuality from this and just say he has the ass that it's Describe his ass then if it's not jaw-dropping I don't argue with you scribe his ass if it ain't jaw drop. I don't think I can

Yeah, it's it's tough. It's tough to pull up the ass It's more of like a an engineering feat. Okay like yeah, I It's more of like an engineering feat. Oh my god. Okay, like, yeah. Yeah. I didn't even know you could do that to someone's hips, scientifically. That's what I'm talking about. Like, I know it's surgical.

Yeah. You think? That's where the Marvel lies. That is not a real boy's ass. He is like birth giving hips now. He does. It's a mind fuck. That's all the power to him.

It's jaw dropping. It's jaw dropping. All right. God bless.