A New Untold Story - Now That...is a Thing of Beauty - A New Untold Story: Ep. 329

Episode Date: February 2, 2023

D&B dropped the B and gave it back to K and the D&B... Ads: Manscaped Get 20% off + free shipping with code ANUS at https://barstool.link/ManscapedBarstool Hellofresh Go to Https://barstool.link/HelloFreshSTORY and use code STORY21 for 21 free meals + free shippingYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, A New Untold Story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad-free on Amazon Music. new untold story episode oh boy i don't even have a fucking clue uh 342 what is it minus 13 i can't do that my head 329 okay three that's impressive mook he was an accountant no he was an accountant that's some mensa shit that wasn't hard i can't do that no you don't say minus 13 to describe any number like yeah you can't just do that in your head. That was a count in the mood coming out. Yeah, it was a count in the mood coming out. You miss it.

Oh, my God, you miss it. No, fuck that. Fuck that. Oh, my God. No, the community has blackballed you. What was number 342? 329. Minus 13.

Oh, yeah. There was a point when you, M mook claimed to make waves in the accounting community yes i did how many accountants would you say are in new york city alone 700 000 6 million there might be six for commuters yeah yeah i got a dm from the inside yesterday what the fuck is the inside a new person found me at the old company. No way. They're trying to get the inside scoop for me. What do you mean?

Oh, they want to find out if there's like, are you like, they talk about you or something? Making waves in the accounting community. Yes, sir. Title waves. What a community they are. 329. 329 nine as we found out previously doesn't have an area code right i think people scouted out the mayor wait so i fucked up well

i guess i fucked up because i said i'd revert to the first numerical area code and start back from there when one in our episode number doesn't have an area code i thought 206 with seattle was right no apparently there's 201 202 but what i saw is they have shared area codes so the 201 had multiple the area for 201 had multiple so i left it alone everyone said no no you gotta no, you got to do Connecticut, New Jersey. So I'm going to do 201. You're going to do 201. I'm going to do 201.

Because I guess, I mean, why not? Yeah, I mean, you can correct the mistake. We're still early on. You can correct the mistake. It's still a place. So everyone, well, shout out. Thank you for everyone who contributed to lauding Mr. Bruce Harrell with his heat check.

Yeah, there was 220 comments last time I checked. Yeah, on all of the pictures I mentioned. And everyone's, you know, I said prep the next one. Well, the next area code, if we were doing it that way, would be 207, would be the entire state of Maine. So I'm like, all right, they're not going to prep that. Yeah, they prepped. They prepped? They prepped the mayor of Augusta, Maine. They chose Augusta. I guess they figured I would do the capital. I would probably do Portland, the major city over the capital. But the Augusta mayor, I think he has 100 comments. Already? Dude, this is a small town

of like 5,000. Wait, Augusta has five? No, it's just is a small town of like five thousand wait augusta has five no it's it's just a very small sure yeah yeah and like it's oh he's gonna get it when this time comes he's a very jolly old man his head's in that oh his head's in like the town square get thrown tomatoes at yeah 95 comments already no everyone's telling him to prep he only has 100 he has more comments than followers oh he will get there what what are they saying to him they're they're uh saying he's next up let me see i'm worried he'll misconstrue that as like next up next up no you're next up for the heat check which might be disastrous But the heat check results could be next up. So I could see where it's confusing. So 201 is where?

201 is right across the river. It's Jersey City, Hoboken, Hackensack, the like. I think Fountains of Wayne is from Hackensack. No, they're probably from Wayne. Probably from Wayne. I didn't think of that. I don't know. No, they're probably from wayne probably from wayne i didn't think of that i just don't know i don't know they're probably from wayne they okay yeah um so already ran into a problem so i i was like i'm gonna do jersey city that's the biggest city yeah steven fulop

mayor of jersey city i have a mutual follower with oh no you, no, you can't do that. It's my cousin's husband. He's buddies with this guy. Buddies with Fulop? He's partied at Binghamton with him. Probably. And so I can't, with nepotism and biases at play, I'm not doing Fulop. I'm not heat checking Fulop.

So I'm going to Hoboken. Okay. I'm going to Hoboken. May I ask? Yes and no. What? We got Ravi Bala, the Sikh turbaned mayor, the first in the US. The first turbaned mayor?

The first turbaned mayor, which you also wouldn't expect. Yeah. Is getting the heat check. Confusing Urban Meyer with Turban Mayor. Turban Mayor. Ravi. I used to coach Ohio State, right? No, no, no.

You're confusing me. I'm to coach Ohio State, right? No, no, no. You're confusing me. I'm Turbin Mayer. Yo, that's plus five degrees off rip just for that. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Instagram. Let's check them out.

Pull them up as a class. He's so pissed. He gets it all. No, that's Urban Mayer. Coach the Jags in Ohio State. Urban Meyer. All right. Urban Meyer.

What's his name? His Instagram account is at Ravi, R-A-V-I, for the word F-O-R, Hoboken. Cool. Long, long handle. So first, moving forward with the mayor, he checks if they're in professional garb, if they're in their suit and doing work. I don't count that. I don't consider that their personal swag. Granted, all of his suits and professional fits are icy.

They fit perfectly. He's constantly rocking new ones. He's got Swift Taylors for his Mayor Johns. But if you want to go to his first pure individualized swag is heat. It's the, it's the latest pick. It's the latest pick. And this is a wild one because he is posted solo at a family size table for

six plus in a Panera bread. Yeah. He's trying to do something. He's scouring like municipal manuals that were like strategically placed and stacked to showcase like the depth and significance of his research everything is untouched not a single smudge fingerprint mark on that laptop i don't even think it's on the book the books look what does he he's not he just opened to that page and he's holding two writing he's dual wielding writing utensils in one hand you're not doing anything with that

he's holding the pen and highlighter like they're chopsticks looks like he's about to eat chapter 17 like it's pad thai so i don't like the situation it looks he pulled up on a u-haul just like he's got a suitcase there there's so much going on he's in the display window he's not doing anything um so environmental heat is a little chilly so so far okay i don't i don't know about that move, what he's doing, pretending to research the economy. I love that the books are stacked so you can see a bit of every cover. Yeah. That's not how you stack books.

None of that was opened or read. That's coffee table style. That's not structurally sound. Even the coffee is unsipped. Everything is like a set. What's the caption? He's pretending to do work. Is that what it says?

The caption says, Spent the morning studying proposals submitted by firms who will lead the public engagement process to build out Maritime Park, parentheses, at former Union dry dock site. We are interviewing- Bad caption. I'm done.

No, bad caption. Too long. Make it funny. See where I'm at? Yeah. He site. We are interviewing. Bad caption. I'm done. No, bad caption. Make it funny. See where I'm at? He should have done a lyric. Yeah, he should have done a Drake lyric. That's not why we're here. Let's check out the club. Start at the North Pole.

Look up there. I'll never get to do this again. I'll never have this opportunity because there's only one Turban Mayor. So we're going to start there. It looks like a fresh out of the box, unscathed, untarnished China white turban. You can't see the cup, but it goes hard. That's fentanyl. Lock up his bar.

Back to the turban oh it's a wrap what are we working with i researched the turban he's got that 120 luxury satin white fluff from kingscrowning.com name brand not generic jeff puffed head chubby bonnie speaking of the origin of the drip, he's got that cumulonimbus turban. His head's in the clouds. He's Sikh of these hoes. Snug fit, perfectly tucked and tied

on his Desert Eagle Scout shit. Plus five Fahrenheit on the heat check so far. Underneath the turban, almost entirely veiled by it is some kind of putka or do rag okay and i don't know about the brand or quality here because i wasn't given much but i know it's crip blue matching the crip blue sweater he's robbie kala he's kicking cack get this man a crockley cheddar and a cred coal candade swag no clud heating up but he's AC positive. I like it.

Not sure about the cost of an item like that, but if it's officially Crip, I'm guessing he's paid at least three figures. I'm guessing. Ran the Crip 100. Oscar Pistorius. Let's slide down south a little bit. Take a detour down the neck, the pullover.

This is, and I made sure to check for sure, a navy blue L.L. Bean cashmere quarter zip. Wow. $79.99. Okay, emoji. And he's feeling himself in it. He's been undefeated since he's caught that zip. Only L's are before the bean.

That's money ball. That's that LL bean. Quarter zip came in men's. That was a bar. That was so hard. That was a bar. That was so hard. No L's on this bean. It's a men's xl but underneath is the bay

area 79.99 for the ll bean championship fit ran him less than the do-rag 80 on the uniform that's rice and beans to the vest wait a minute man how long does it take you to find the apparel? This is my life. This is my life. You're like Rainbolt with the geogas. I almost gave up and I was like, oh, that's an Izod quarter zip. No, I had to check. It's L.L. Bean.

You can't tell. Vest. With the vest, a brand new crisp Eddie Bauer all black Cirrus light down vest. 99, 99, 99 for the Eddie on his Dr. Doolittle shit. But he's not talking to the pigs. Not this man. This is where the vest gets interesting. I don't want to laud this as an

eddie bauer vest because it was customized on the left on the left breast of the eddie you can see is a custom vintage 1855 city of hoboken coat of arms the likes of which you won't find anywhere else see that one of one you can't find that so i don't know how he got that how he did that how he accomplished that how we bought that um but look at that look at the coat of arms you won't find that anywhere else you can't even google it there's not even an image of that so that's who knows that might be the only one in the world the heat check on the coat of arms it's pretty good it's got the white block h55 in the world the heat check on the coat of arms it's pretty good got the white block h55 in the center thick goes my tumbo like i said you can't find a single piece of apparel with

that hoboken coat of arms for sale on the entire internet and you can't put a price tag on a fresh coat like that. Serena in her prime. That's a sure win, Williams. Wowza. Wowza. Yep. Drippy ass coat. Chivalry ain't dead. But if you look at the torso as a whole.

Sure win, Williams. It ain't the best. Black and blue on the torso. That's frozen peas. Minus 10 degrees. Then you got the crip blue and the blood red. that's frozen peas minus 10 degrees then you got the crip blue and the blood red that's a clash of clans down to the appendages oh appendages he's got the bean sleeves rolled up his forearm is out times two that's tentacles on the left wrist the apple watch is looking icy yeah this man's trying to on the left wrist. The Apple Watch is looking icy. Yeah.

This man's trying to resurrect the wrong jobs. With all that homeless shit and Hoboken. Yep. But it looks untouched. Like I said, unused. He doesn't even know there's internet on that thing. No. Why are you reading those dusty ass books?

You got the web on your wrist, Peter Parker. Dude, got the web on your wrist peter parker dude got the web on the wrist right arm right arm it's a simplistic silver bracelet looking sharp on his rift i won't even continue because it doesn't look sharp i was gonna say it looks sharp on his wrist that's self-harm but it doesn't look sharp. I was going to say it looks sharp on his wrist. That's self-harm. But it doesn't look that sharp, to be honest. It's not emitting crazy heat. He's trying to flex the plane, Jane. He's not a sapverg. Cool hand, lukewarm. So, that's it for the pick.

And you can't take one pick. No. You can't take one fit when it comes to the heat check. So, I scrubbed his page. Dude. He has... May I intervene? You were laid in bed with COVID. Can't take one fit when it comes to the heat check. So I scrubbed his page. Dude. Yes. May I intervene?

You were laid in bed with COVID. Actual, you took a COVID test. Underrated, but yes. You were laid up in bed with COVID and somebody in the office came up to me and they were like, hey, where's Kyle? And I'm like, oh, he's down pretty bad with COVID. And then they said, then why did he text me for adderall yeah so were you like sick and you're like nah i gotta i gotta do my research i was fucking yeah i was dripping snot all over my phone looking at steven foolops page fucking how am i gonna do a heat check on this man he's so standard he's so generic i'll just make up that my cousin

knows him listen listen man you're gonna have to let me take some liberties with the heat check yeah the mayor is probably one of the most boring professions visually i think you're probably i haven't done research. The foremost mayoral mayoral heat checker on the Internet. So you're allowed to take liberties. It's your game. It is my game. So I'm sorry, but continue. I.

Yeah, he has a variety of colorways with the turbans that he uses to match other garments. He has a nice pair of Jordans that he doesn't rock too much. He rocked him once in like the past year that i've seen um decent swag heat check baby's bath oh past the past the check is warm but it's not too hot i think he I think he passes the heat check. He passes. Well, here's the deal. Okay.

He objectively passed it, in my opinion. Okay. Moving forward, there will be failures. There will be people who take the L. It's not going to be all fun and games. I'm going to be brutally honest. But was he? He passed the heat check, in my opinion. As much as I hated that Panera shoot. So, do you think he passed the heat check in my opinion even as much as i hated that panera shoot

so do you think he's the bar now do you think anybody above him's a pass anybody slightly below him is a fail is he setting the standard i'm worried about the first like slight miss because that's it's detrimental to these men we'll'll see. We need a white mayor. Haven't had one. No. What are we doing, boys? Now I don't know. I actually don't know who's up next.

Okay. Prep them. If it's Connecticut. Yeah. Your thing. Kyle, that was amazing. That's my favorite part of the week. You were supposed to wear your 7-Eleven slides in for a fit-off.

I have them. Couldn't step out of the house with them. Yeah, I packed them and changed because I wore these upstairs looking for you to see if you had yours. And a guy I don't know, I don't think I've ever seen in the office before, walked past me in my hunt for you. And he just goes, Instagram, huh? That's exactly why I didn't think I've ever seen the office before walk past me in my hunt for you. And he just goes, Instagram, huh? That's exactly why I didn't. I'm not going to be the guy rocking commercials on my fucking feet. Yeah.

So we were supposed to have who would wear the meanest fit today. I didn't know that. I got the Montclair on the head. I got the white gold on the neck. Yeah. I got the super rad, the minimal. 7-11 12s size 12 don't get it twisted um they didn't sell half sizes you got the dickies should have been white socks but i'm warm with boots and they got dingy uh mean fit mean fit meanwhile you my boy

i'm gonna have to heat check you i don't have the mean i'm gonna have to i don't have the meanest fit nah nah nah it's maybe it's maybe thinks he's so fly oh no this john mayer i'm not talking the guitarist i'm talking about jeff mims dating there come on son nobody's dating you though not in that not in that yeah let's see let's see what is that a salmon top but the l isn't silent not today what that's yeah it's a salmon top fuck time you dress down, it's the same black pants or you have multiple black pants every day. Black pants, more black pants than the end of an Olympic hundred meter. They're tired and I'm tired of the fit.

But then it goes. I didn't expect it. But it goes from the black pants to the white sneaks. All you buy is white sneaks, white sneaks, white sneaks, more white sneaks than Walter behind Skylar's back. Just be honest with her, bro. I looked at you today.

Every impatient kid, every impatient gamer is going to recognize you. My boys default me. My boys default me. My boys default me. KB default me. Damn. You had to get to Wii Bowling. No time to change the shirt.

That's all I had because I just saw you this morning. Yeah, you didn't have a lot to work with. Yeah, I'm going gonna take this off dude um while you while you change today's episode is brought to you by manscaped breaking news manscape now sells beard products that's right they once again are revolutionizing revolutionizing men's grooming with a brand new beard hedger the pro kit from a beard trim to trim to a fresh shave, the technology behind the Beard Hedger Pro Kit allows you to shape your signature beard look.

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You got a dickhead? I actually don't have a dickhead of the week. Well, that's good because I do. Thank God. Yeah, I do. And I took your lead. I know you've inspired me greatly amongst a lot of things, but especially dickhead of the week. And I realized that the possibilities are endless of what the dickhead of the week can be. You always thought that yours always come up as Pokemon completely.

You know, you look at before every dickhead of the week, you look at everything, but it always ends up as a Pokemon. I get it. I get it. Right. So I so far, I looked at everything, But it always ends up as a Pokemon. And I get it. I get it. So far. I looked at everything. Every page of Wikipedia, every link is purple. Every link is purple.

Like you fucking drowned in Hyrule. But Kyle, unfortunately, my dickhead of the week is the geographic exclave, the Kentucky Bend. No, no. It just happens to be your favorite exclave. The Kentucky Bend is dickhead of the week this week. I'll hear you out. Yeah, yeah. The Kentucky Bend, for those who don't know, is a piece of Kentucky that doesn't touch Kentucky.

It's touching Tennessee, and it shares a border with Missouri. It doesn't share a border with the rest of Kentucky. The Kentucky Bend. It's kind of a foremost spot geographically on Kentucky's outline. It asphyx. The drip at the end, and you might not know, it's not connected. It's fucks. It as fucks the org at the end. And you might not know it's not connected. It's an island. You can either take you could either take a bridge there from Tennessee.

You can take a ferry there from Kentucky. Is it? And I forget. Is it inhabited population? And I'm glad you asked population in 2010, 19, 18. I'm sorry. Population in 2010. Yeah. Okay. Population in 2010, 19, 18. I'm sorry. Population in 2010. Yeah.

Okay. Population in 2020, nine. That's down 50%. Drop 50 like DeRozan against the Clippers. Shit. Drop 50 like Kenneth McGriff. Shooter of 50 cent. Oh, fuck.

That was his name. Yeah. I found that out. The crime dog. Perpet perpetual flood zone yeah i mean what do you want me to look at that i mean i think it's fascinating i love enclaves no it ass fucks the organization of the states and it's just a little blob of ky slides right in all right well you know what they call it bubble land gay that is yeah gay drop 50 they're worried around the world worried about the wrong pop

i'm all for this this i mean geographic it's touching kentucky it's touching Tennessee, not Kentucky. Tennessee doesn't want it. Perpetual flood zone. Costs money. Kentucky doesn't care about deformities. Look at their women. You know who the hottest Kentuckian is? Mary Todd Lincoln.

Oh, hell no. Hottest woman from Kentucky. Shit. Fuck Mary Todd. I'll play that game. I'll fuck Tennessee. I'll marry Missouri. And I'll Todd that game. I'll fuck Tennessee. I'll marry Missouri. And I'll Todd the Kentucky Bend. No girlies.

Fuck it. No girlies. No, it's dickhead of the week. Yeah, I'm with this. I Google Mapsed it. There's only one clickable link in the Kentucky Bend on Google Maps. That's the Whitson

Family Cemetery. It's not even a big cemetery. 57 stones that would hardly kill a gay in Qatar. This place has so little to make fun of, I'm going to have to make fun of the headstones. All of the headstones in the

grave, in the cemetery, are online. Little page. Don't even have to make fun of the headstones. All of the headstones in the grave, in the cemetery, are online. Little page. Don't even have to scroll. Oh, fuck. Notora shit. This one. All right. Let's look at some of the people that died here.

Infant son. Get a name. That's what it says. Yeah. Get a name, pussy. You too. Infant son. Didn't name. That's what it says? Yeah, get a name, pussy. You too. Infant son. Didn't have time to think of it?

Willie Groom? Is there an infant son headstone? Yeah. Is that all it says? There's two. There's two infant sons. Two infant sons right at the Big Bang. Willie Groom.

Rest in peace. Born. 1898. And then they just. That was it. Because he died that same year. Willie Groom. I wonder if he remembers Pez.

1898. Infant son. Biggest grave there is for B.B. Lion. She be lying on her back in a casket. Dead bitch. She was 43. And then I got no jokes for this guy. But his real first name straight up Greenberry.

Greenberry? Greenberry? Greenberry Watson. Whoa. And then his headstone just says. You're just kind of like saying that's the coolest cemetery in the world. Died at 64. I think he's the oldest guy in there. You can look at all of them.

William Fulks, rest in peace. Lillian Grooms. Luther Grooms. Opal Grooms where's the wives fuck god damn fuck the Kentucky Bend yeah it sucks terrible area

what is it it's next to Missouri too and Tennessee it's a bad area yeah it's a bad area I'm, it's a bad area. I'm guessing they don't have a school.

No school yet. You got to go to Tennessee. You got to go to Tennessee. And I think it's called Tiptonville. Okay. Two roads, Step Road and Kentucky Bend Road. Yeah, fuck that enclave. Really?

I thought you were about it. No, I just, I love love enclaves but like it's there's nothing to it i think it's pretty arbitrary whereas i think like the northwest angle in minnesota is an enclave that is entirely surrounded by canada so that's a there's a lot of fascination and like the residents there this should just be absorbed by Tennessee. Yeah, fuck the bend. Fuck the bend. That's what I got for that. I also have something, Kyle,

for you. You guys won't be able to partake. I have a list of obscure businesses in Wheeling. In Wheeling? Okay. You have to name... I don't know any of the newer ones probably okay but did you see they replaced dangerous curves with a third godfather yes my mom sent me the picture yes it's right across the street from my dad's law firm that's right okay so rest in peace dangerous curve dangerous

curves is gone. Shit. But not forgotten. All right, I'm going to start off on easy mode. I'll start off easy just to get it out of the way. Diagon Alley. Diagon Alley. That's where we would go. It was like a witchcraft store in an actual alley that we would, as kids, we would buy pills that made us very high. There were two places you would buy pills as a kid.

What were the pills called? One was called Adderall Energy, not spelled like Adderall. It was called Adderall Energy. And one was called Lifted. Lifted, yeah. And I don't know what it was, but I'll never forget. I took it and I was as high as I've ever been. It may have been placebo if I bought it from a store.

I don't think so, because Diagon Alley had it, but I bought mine and I bought my K2 from a place called Fritz the Cat. Oh, yeah. They sold K2. That's oh, yeah, that was that was you would smoke K2. There's not a stronger drug on the planet. You'd feel like you were being trampled by tarantulas for 30 seconds. Yeah. And then you'd be like, oh, that was then you'd lie to your friends who were also freaking out in cold sweats and

it was like that was awesome right they're like it's only 10 minutes and you know like like when you die that's what it's that's the feeling you're gonna get like you're experiencing death yeah for 10 minutes they were prepping us for our mid-30s when you go yeah um so yeah we Diagon Alley get that out of the way two for two let's do an easy one let's do Foggy Bottom Foggy yeah this is it still in business not in business Foggy Bottom you worked there all through high school yeah you uh worked for the laser tag and I didn't say this I won Jeff Lucas's laser tag birthday party did you hear me talk on the app about laser tag? I did.

I did. The workers were always told to pick the kid that had the least friends and give him invincibility and laser tag. Because there is like guns where you can choose how often they were. Kyle, when you played, I promise you, you could not get hit. Because I remember being so shocked that I won. Because I didn't know what i was doing i'm terrible with guns and like games like that and controls like that do you have

a tattoo yeah speaking of guns i forgot i had that yeah what the fuck is that it's a colonel mustard's revolver but what what the fuck did you buy like a pack of templates yeah i did let me see it a while ago yeah he's had it for. Let me see it. A while ago. Yeah, he's had it for a while. I noticed it. I was like, yo, bro, what is on your chest? And KB just went like this. I wanted to like microdose the feeling of tats popping out of your white tee.

Shia LaBeouf style. Yeah, but then now they're just clearly fake. But that one on the chest is really still there. I know. And the worst part is I love it. It looks tough. I want to like normally jokingly to keep doing this can we see it i mean it doesn't look tough

it looks kind of tough that's fresh yeah so do you want to get tattoos i just want to i don't know um back to foggy bottom sorry that caught me off guard foggy bottom so i actually worked there it was my first paid job but it was also my first i did it in seventh and eighth grade i volunteered at the haunted houses they had can you name the three haunted houses that they had um okay there was the one in the laser tag area that was the weakest one yeah that was one for kids was called temple we were so afraid of jew people. It was just called Temple. The main one where you would watch a video beforehand. That was called The Legend House.

The Legend House. And then the third one was more Woods based. Yes. That was called Slasher Trail. So I worked there in 17th grade, but I was short. But I wanted to be the thing from Jeepers Creepers so bad bad and i auditioned for it didn't get it they gave me the worst role in all haunted houses they gave me slap down which

was you got a plank and you got you were just they just put you in a closet like with like a like a curtain in front of it you just had to drop a board on the ground and i did that to make a sound i did that every october seventh and eighth grade to every october for two years so 60 days of this and i did this from eight o'clock to three in the morning every night oh yeah holy shit that was the and i was paid in boo bucks that was the hot spot it was a hot social hot it was the social hot spot i held my first hand there uh not my first kiss all my friends got kissed there in the hot. Everyone was kissing there. Yeah.

You won laser tag there. I won. What else? I did baseball lessons there and in the batting cage area. But the guy was like acted like he thought he was like a real MLB scout. Yeah. He was having me having me doing ladder drills in the batting cage. Intense ladder ladder drills. I probably batting cage? Intense ladder drills.

I'd probably still do them. They were called Keyshawn Johnsons. I was like, dude. What? That's not my problem. They're called Keyshawn Johnsons? I'm trying to hit a curveball. That was my main thing.

I couldn't hit a curveball. And all I wanted to do is try to make better contact. And I was doing fucking footwork. Why do you call him Keyshawn Johnson's yeah that's a lot yeah yeah right yeah what do you call them

yeah like we there's no need for that in baseball even the pinch the pinch runners didn't wouldn't need that so I did that there I did that the bowling alley was attached the bowling alley was attached that's where matt win no that's how we work that's where i went and got shrimp okay he never worked there he went and got the shrimp yeah yes good call um i i worked there actually as i got promoted from uh the laser

tag then i became a pin resetter yeah that shouldn't be a job i was behind the lanes which is dangerous people lose arms those machines are dangerous all right uh do you remember the rub and grub the rub and grub yes it recently closed it was actually there when we were doing the video with donnie no no memory of that. That was a restaurant where you got a massage at the same time. No, it wasn't. Yeah, it was in Center Market. No, it wasn't. Yes, it was.

What is the body position? I guess it was their twist of a paint and sip. You were like sitting. You were sitting down some. They would rub your shoulders. Some dude was rubbing your shoulders. Yes. Closed.

Where was this? Center Market next to the coffee shop. That's where it would be. Okay. Do you remember D Pasquale's? Oh, yes and no. I remember the name. It was a sub shop.

It was my first big graphic design job out of college. I got hired by a sub shop to design the entire interior of this uh sub sandwich shop but the only caveat was the place was a former quiznos and i had to hide they didn't want to change they didn't want to pay to get rid of all the old quiznos stuff in there so i'd like hide the logo i'd hide the quiznos queue inside of all the shit like i did because that's like it went up on the wall or they it was up on the menu boards and there was still the Quiznos Q. And I was the hand model for that place. I was my hands holding the subs and it closed in like one month.

I was going to say. Yeah. D Pasquale's. Pasquale's. Yeah. D Pasquale's Trattoria. Nobody can say that. No.

Do you remember Ernie's Esquire? Yeah, that was that was in our village yeah it was the only restaurant restaurant in our village it was like marketed as like a fancy upscale eatery yes and they had far from it it was the worst place on earth uh they they got rid of all the employees because they they walked in on like an orgy it's it's smelled oh orgy yeah yeah it smelled like dead. I think people, it was an old folks home? No, it's an old folks home now.

Okay. Well, no, no, no, no, no, no, you're right. An old folks home was attached. No, it. An old folks home was connected. I think it smelled like corpses. So they were like, we might as well just make it attach. I'm pretty sure.

I don't know. I just remember baseball. That's where we would. We would have the end of you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I got my I wore my case.

Swiss is there for the first time. DVD Galaxy. Okay. I rocked the case. Swiss is the all white case. Swiss is the same time that I finally started rocking. No show socks. Yep.

A visor. You were a visor. Was that North Carolina? Tar Heels visor. So, yeah. Yeah. It was like baby blue visor baby blue north carolina yeah yeah do you remember uh uh dvd galaxy also in our village oh that was in the bethlehem plaza yep what a failure that was yeah excited they had dvds were so so obscure by the time this place opened up

it actually got shut down because they were selling heroin okay yeah it sucked but i remember as a kid i would go up not even as a kid as like a high schooler i would go down there and they would let you rent unrated movies because of like it was unrated you didn't have to like show an id to get an R-rated movie. So that was a titty loophole. Give me an example. I could go get American Pie, The Naked Mile, unrated. Nice.

Is that what it was called? The Naked Mile? Yeah, I watched that on my iPod. You watched it on your iPod? All right, here's why I did this whole thing. Actually, there's one more. I want you guys to guess the name it's a store that only sells running and golf shoes um i know it it's uh hole and run hole and run yeah still open still open yes oh my god yeah still open uh yeah people need it no but the the number one is camelot our hometown tried to open up a restaurant that like rivaled medieval times and they called

it camelot but they they went 20 they didn't even go 20 it was in a like a metal rehab center like a physical therapy center so you walk in you could either go into camelot or the physical therapy center and they they there was nothing there was absolutely nothing in there that showed camelot there No. Nothing medieval. It was this huge structure and you thought like, oh fuck, there's going to be jousting. They had the big sign Camelot. The commercial was like a

coming soon Camelot. And then you went there and it was it was nothing. Yeah. So they try to sell activities or products or both. It was a restaurant. A restaurant? Yeah, they try tried to be the next medieval times. And sell turkey on a stick? No, even the food was...

No, it was like they had hamburgers. Yeah. So it was apple mix. Ruben. The Ruben was their main dish. Yeah. The sauerkraut would have killed a knight. Yes.

Dude. Dude. The Mountain Dew would have completely murdered a kid. I'm pretty sure I could have conquered Europe with a dollop of horseradish. Easily. Yeah. That Camelot was the biggest. I was so excited when that opened up.

Do you see a joust? Go rape a woman. Yeah, what the fuck? It's the full medieval experience. You don't tip, you get guillotined. Just squeeze that into commercial. Watch the joust. Eat a turkey leg. a woman i don't know if we could say that oh it's it's yeah yeah yeah obviously ridiculous

that concept but yeah you know what isn't a ridiculous concept is the guillotine yeah i guess it was like it always worked always worked nowadays whenever they try to uh capital punish people they're like bit yeah just because it's not as graphic and i heard uh lethal injection hurts a fuck ton and they always sort of botch it yeah i hear yeah yeah yeah that's i think if you survive your lethal injection you should go free yeah double or nothing yeah you win this round. It's weird when you think about it, because like when you hear about what they did, you're like they deserved it. Then when you really think about the death row, it's it's I don't know.

Prison for life is worse, in my opinion. Yes. Yes. But but they still don't want to die. Yeah, you're right. They still hate it. Yeah. Yeah. But they still don't want to die. Yeah, you're right. They still hate it. Yeah. Yeah. It's crazy.

Oh, man. What else is going on? I thought I had something else I wanted to bring up. We have the Super Bowl next week. We'll all be there, right? Yeah, we'll be there. We're going to try to record with some of the guys there. We have this huge house that has like putt-putt bocce a pool but we're not allowed to stay there

we can only record the yak there but there's like no audience apparently there's a curfew as well there's a curfew at the house or without for us there's a curfew for us apparently we can't be at the house past 9 p.m oh yeah that's right you get fined there can only be six adults in the house past nine what is this like an airbnb yeah like but like it's this huge sports paradise house but then like on the the airbnb website is like this is not a party house only six adults allowed god it's kind of a bummer damn i know it'll be all right tyler you're gonna be there shit it's all right why why come why come don't want to pay for it bro

fuck i'm trying to go to canada for ron's i want to go to ron's rap battle really bad ask a favor for the super bowl in toronto yeah that's insane i want to ask me if i wanted to go uh the other day i was like yeah i need to also make sure my passport. Oh, it's insane that Drake shot. I mean, I can't stop thinking about that. Pretty sick. Oh, the Drake shot it out. Roan. Roan shot me out in the same manner.

Days prior. Yeah. Yeah. No, I know. It's cool to be one away. One level away from Drizzy. I'm really a DM away from just telling Drake something. Yeah, I guess you are. I like him seeing it we're in drake's ear i'll ask roan something he'll pass it on to

aubrey i went to roan's last rap battle it was so fucking sick just seeing him like in his element is very interesting like i'm obsessed with battle rap it's you're obsessed with battle rap it is name three battle rappers. It is essentially what I do. It's just creative writing. Oh my God, I guess you're right. You battle rap a mayor every week. Yeah, it's just writing a roast

and then just presenting it a little bit musically. Which is the hardest part. The delivery is, yeah, I don't know if I could never do that. I bet you I've had some banger of a jokes but i fucking stuttered through them delivery is tough no um what's your stand-up where are you at with the uh i have i have three so i have five minutes right you have as much time as you want so i have five minutes okay and um i have three potential stories not even stories but things i want to talk about one's made up one is about september 11th so true real um

and then one is uh uh one's about the gays so i don't know i don't know what i'm going to do there smash them all up it's funny that september 11th happened in the fall i should have known i knew that was right there in front of us. We never even thought about that. It was so warm. We should have known. There's not many stones unturned on the 9-11 jokes, and that one was right in front of us. Right in front of your face. Of course that happened.

It's fall. Yeah. And I forgot that's the name of that season, with just a fucking straight up verb. Wait till I tell you about spring. Yeah. Exactly. See what I'm saying? I didn't even think about it like that brother what if I told you 50%

of these my name's a verb yeah it is your name's an adjective is it I guess it's really Rudolph yeah I guess I'm the only one with

a verb name uh i have an amazon review if you guys would like to hear it is good or bad i think it's funny um nothing it's hard to top the tungsten that was uh very very see what rudy rudy actually made waves in the tungsten community yeah that's, Mook. That's what that means. Uptick. Go to r slash accounting and search Mook. Let's try to get you up there. I heard that the accounting community is a bunch of slutty freaks. Oh, while Mook's doing that, speaking of Reddit, Kyle, you need to address a rumor somebody made up about you on the subreddit

did you see it no kyle bauer wrestling profile hyphen real all caps i wrestled kyle i was from a town over he was average at best and he was never recruited to kent state he walked on. The person in his weight class broke his collarbone. He's a total fugazi. That's just, you didn't even attempt to lie well. You know that's fake.

He's from a, first off, he's from a town over. So what's that? What would that be? What would a town over. So what's that? What would that be? What would a town over be? Steubenville? No, that's way up there. It'd be Bridgeport. OK.

No. No. Collarbone. No. Yeah, I guess you put those rumors to rest. Yeah, you beat those allocations. Dude, I never realized you could deny everything by just putting a question mark.

A town over? Walk on? And then you just bodied him. No, it's so stupid. No one ever thought to just be like, yeah, nah. Bodied? Huh, did I get bodied in high school? No.

And Mook, you look like you haven't found anything i just posted what oh you son of a bitch what you post connor mook is an absolute legend in the accounting community can't believe how legendary his run was waves waves are starting we'll see we'll see how that's hardly a ripple waves are starting it's hardly a ripple. Rudy, what was the review? This review is for a 12 foot inflatable beach ball. We took this ball to the beach after close to two hours to pump it up. First of all, it's a two star review. We push it around for about 10 fun filled. First of all, that's all you can do with that is push it around.

Exactly. That's a novelty at best exactly that was when the wind picked up and sent it hurling down the beach at about 40 knots he's at a beach using nautical terminology land object that was like distance not that speed brother you could use

that with leaks yeah okay it destroyed everything in its path children screamed in terror at the giant inflatable monster that crushed their sandcastles grown men were knocked down trying to save their families the faster we chased it the faster it rolled it was like it was mocking us eventually we had to stop running after because its path of injury and destruction was going to cost us a fortune in legal fees rumor has it it can still be seen stalking innocent families in the florida panhandle we lost it in south carolina so there is something to be said about its durability big balls overrated can't do anything with them

big anything anything that's over like oversized for what the average one of its kind is um have you bought any dumb shit lately oversized for what the average one of its kind is. Have you bought any dumb shit lately? I got two things. This is tough. I got two things. Because I didn't buy it, and it's not technically dumb shit. So no. You're changing the subject.

I think from his viewpoint, it's's not dumb i got a box of hello fresh for free are you segwaying us into the ad no and all right this is good i get a lot of packages so i just kind of like stack them and leave them in my living room in my kitchen it's my apartment is my kitchen it's all the same i thought it was gonna be a better segue yeah and yeah and it melted there was just liquid flooding my apartment because i didn't refrigerate it yeah and it went that fast because it's so fresh i still ate it and it was still pretty good so you can imagine how it would taste if i did the necessary today's episode is also brought to you by hello fresh skip the store and take control of your time and budget with delicious recipes delivered right to your door. Fast and fresh recipes.

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HelloFresh helps you save money all year round. In fact, HelloFresh is cheaper than grocery shopping and 25% cheaper on takeout. cheaper than grocery shopping and 25 cheaper on takeout uh go to hellofresh.com story 21 and use code story 21 for 21 free meals plus free shipping that's story 21 at hellofresh.com slash story 21 yeah sorry about that man i had a word with upstairs because nobody was nobody was typing that link um i've got a tiktok ad that was like a a girl that was just like do you want to smell just like harry styles i'm like uh-huh and uh i bought i bought this roll-on oil that will make me smell exactly like harry you didn't get it yet no not yet i think i got ripped off because it was like a month ago. Is he at the level of sexual fluidity where his scent is a cologne or is it like a perfume?

I bet you it just smells like other dude's dick. I think he's at that level. Which apparently is a thing. You know how we, as a joke, we were like, oh, I could smell if my homie fucked. I could smell his dick. I think that was our first episode ever apparently girls know when you masturbate no that's a lie i saw that going viral there oh that's what they're doing yeah the girls can smell when you masturbate so like just tell them i guess or something or i think you fell for yeah did you why did you tell your girl no i don't masturbate

the last time i tried to masturbate the porn i almost jacked off to a gay guy what and i marked this down um even like even like notes apt it you find it i mean i may have technically did this is this how your porn is gay take came came about yeah yeah you became anti you came in one day and you brought up you're like you know what i think is dumb you know i think sucks fucking porn sucks yeah is this where it stemmed from yes so um it was an FFMM wife swap where one of the couples shows up to a pot roast they were invited to. And they assume. You mean a potluck.

They said they used the term potluck. They got invited to a pot roast. They were like, oh, they're trying to expedite the plot line. They're like, oh, I thought when you said pot roast you meant we were gonna fuck each other oh that yeah yeah but then one of the guys i was like this dude's he's he's gay i think i don't like it i don't i don't i don't mind it wait did you jerk off to a gay guy fucking a chick and one of the husbands was gay and like the wife was like oh we thought we were gonna fuck each other and then he was like in the corner he was like yeah we thought we were gonna play and i was like that was weird

and he has his jeans on the whole time so he's he's talking up with the other wife they're making out and then he um still jeans fully on yeah takes off her underwear to go eat her out and he said and he uttered pulls him off gets ready to eat the pussy looks at it and he said word for word he said now that is a thing of beauty and i was like oh what and i was like i can't continue after that that was just. That was the gay thing you saw? Wait, the gay thing you saw was a guy complimenting a pussy? No, the way he complimented a pussy was so gay. He was like, he said, now that is a thing of beauty.

Like somebody who is trying to act like he's very attracted to a pussy. Can I find the. That is a thing of beauty. I could find it. And then I go to his page and it was. Are you still beaten? It was. His name is like Dante Coulier. I could find it. And then I go to his page and it was, it was, his name is like Dante Cooley. And he,

he is aggressively gay. That was like his first heterosexual film. And all of the titles were, the titles were buttering his popcorn. Part three, Dante Cooley, a fucked and sucked every cock in the house, double stuffed part one men.

And then like the the the gay titles of they tell you the whole synopsis yeah this one was dante coulier loves the taste of gram smooth hole so much that he can hardly wait to get all the way inside the horny hunk dante coulier does a sexy pose on his motorbike how do you go to the garage and hooks up with men god damn how do you i don't even know that's how you pronounce it yeah i want to find i want to see him compliment the person that is how does he say it that if i remember correctly that is a thing of beauty so you were jerking off to just the kissing part of porn? Like I said, I wasn't.

Nah, you didn't. You said in the beginning you were like, you insinuated that you were close. I didn't insinuate that. You did. Hell no. I've been trying to become a weed guy. Why you look that up because I want to see that. I've been trying to become a weed guy while you look that up because I want to see that I've been trying to become a weed guy slowly slowly just

puff and puff by puff that's how we all do it right and one day I got high and I thought it would be hilarious I went to Etsy and I bought a real big trophy and it just says Nick Teraney on it but nothing else you got it that's actually pretty

cool i think it's pretty funny that'll go great i want to win that but it's just like it's no there's no award it's just mine i want to win that too it's just that's a grail yeah but i it's it's like a cup it's like a cup um but i also wanted to buy one that was like i want to get it custom made so if anybody can make me a trophy i'll pay i want to get one that's like a cup. But I also wanted to buy one that was like, I want to get it custom made. So if anybody can make me a trophy, I'll pay. I want to get one that's like seven feet tall. And I want the award to be tallest trophy. And then that's it. I think it'll be tough.

I like just the straight, the Nick trophy. I have that too. I won that. It was awarded to me. Find the porn. I kind of don't want to. I kind of. I'll find it. Was it on it was it on porn i kind of said too much so you haven't watched porn since what was it like a family uh i'm not recreational you know just professionally business-wise yes yeah like for instance if i go to look at if i'm like researching now it's for for work okay i mean i'm looking it was a wife swap

i don't want to it's just like a it's like a weird privacy invasion when people actually get to see what i watched you described this i found it easy easy in the pussy okay i want to just hear him say it yeah i want to hear it too well he's taking he's pulling him off now you jerked off to a gay guy he's so gay now that i look at it you undersold it that's such a ridiculous phrase like no one uses that you know that language to to denote it sounds like there was a lot of a lot of other things going on during that too was he still in his jeans when he said that fully in his jeans and he ate and he ate the pussy with his jeans on come on that's pretty straight though um eating pussy with jeans on yeah that's what the cowboys did that's how clint eastwood ate pussy the spatial audio in that was pretty impressive. I wrote a blog on

fucking in your jeans. This was at my lowest as a professional. No, it's not. No, no, no. You being the Quidditch reporter, I think. Let me find that. We've talked about that on the podcast before. I found it. You found Kyle blogging about fucking in his jeans?

I know it's sex and I know I have jeans on. That's the name of the blog. That's funny. Yeah. That's true. Can you read it? 2019, 2020. Let's get something straight.

I like jeans. In fact, I love them. As a former college wrestler with muscular thighs and a thick anal area, A.E.'s Airflex athletic fits are usually my go-to choice for going out on dates or meeting up with broads. I find them uncomfortable and I like the way my penis feels on the inside of them and the outside of them i've never been completely confident my own skin so it's important for me to wear what makes me comfortable when i'm with a girl in any manner and there's like 500 words more but was it a real long one just uh maybe one more one more yeah so now you get it like that

that is low dude i wear jeans i published that just one more line i wear jeans for the entire entirety of my hookups even during the sex portion which i have found either drives broads crazy or completely weirds them out way the poo style what are the wait can we just go to some of the comments? Yeah, yeah. So when was that? 2-19-2020. That was one day before I started at Barstool Sports.

Oh, no, that's it. You needed me bad. Because I was like following the Barstool model of like you have to blog constantly. Yep, every day. And they would send the stats every day. And some of the guys were blogging 10 times a day. Yes. That's how Dave started the company.

So in my head, I thought I had to just keep pushing shit out. But I didn't blog about topics or sports. You made them up on your- So I had to just really scrape- Dude, I blogged once about how I won Wheeling's Harry Potter lookalike contest. I was on the front page of the newspaper. And I blog and it was like it was okay but then i didn't have an ending so i just didn't have one just put it up no ending no ending whatsoever no climb they just read there wasn't even a beginning i only put the middle of a of a blog yeah that was tough

to just blog about whatever yeah the. The commenters loved it. No. KB, please write a book. KB moving up. No Bagwell stands for KB. The best KB blog hardest I ever laughed was your gambling blog about your grandpa. Did we talk? Do we talk about that on the podcast?

I don't even know what that is. You blogged about how your grandpa taught you how to gamble. I don't I don't know if i did oh yeah it was unless it was somebody else somebody else no no no i actually this reminds me kb do you remember when you first started and i used to send you like sample blogs oh yeah yeah i found it i found them and they're uh i would like to say that they're they're they're not they occupy an area of not good and not bad but also not bad good and uh yeah they're just i wrote a whole thing about how like your blogs are funny i did i wrote a blog about like this dude. They got it. That was shoplifting with a hammer.

And then I, I equated it to Al Gore and bending the internet. It's some, it's rough. I looking back on that, I was like, I can't believe I felt like we were at that place together. I don't think we were comfortable enough.

Yeah. I barely knew you. That was our first interaction. Yes. And I immediately wanted to extract something from you, which was just like an attaboy. Yeah. Yeah. You posted them, right?

No, I never. You had a side website. I had a side. Well, I was just writing. You had a side website? Shit. Yeah. I had a blog spot where I was just trying to do something, anything other than being

a walking tripod. Okay. They're pretty bad. Oh, man. I'm looking, kyle i've never wrote that i would have i've never written that i would have dude yeah the next blog after the sex genes was uh our anus our first ever anus clip the next blog oh shit um no i'm gonna find it somebody else keep talking while i do this i'm just reading the titles how to get consent like a real man yeah that sounds interesting um so you have not beaten off you didn't really clear that up to that video and since that moment have you mastered come on brother don't do this if i cut

or scrape my wiener on the teeth of the zipper i might let out a quick whimper or squeal my right yeah okay okay uh my phone is like i was parodying a different article that makes sense okay yeah hold on i'm finding this blog dude my phone just shit the bed but it's goddamn um god damn it i'm so you're not because i never did that one you did like you. You did a gambling blog about your grandpa. Oh. No. You did.

I know it. I know you did. Quit doing that. That is a thing of beauty. Oh, my God. that is a thing of beauty oh my god this guy seems gay now he's the gayest he's gay for a living dude okay uh 6 14 19 you released a blog called foreskin friday all right i don't remember what was foreskin friday foreskin friday the office characters as famous black athletes oh yeah i mean that's a given but um a tribute to my personal hero

who is your personal hero fuck who was it the twitter account post Malone quotes dude I gotta find out I gotta find this we can even stop the Notre Dame of each state Dude, I got to find out. I got to find this.

We can even stop the Notre Dame of each state. That was good. Biblical smoke show of the week. Who was it? I think there was this one. Was it Ruth from Moab? Ruth from Moab. Yeah.

Oh, my God. God damn, dude. oh my god god damn dude i can't find your grandpa gambling we gotta fuck i've been fucking with barstool syria's videos heavy barstool syria yeah it's a dude on tiktok who does like very informative geographic content he's barstool bar Barstool. Yeah, dude. I'll say that. We gotta hire this dude. I think he's like making fun of Barstool. Like the name. Yeah, that is funny though.

But I would like to hire him. Military boots on the ground. Where the... It's driving me nuts, dude. We can take a break right here. I'm going to find it. I don't think you will. All right.

I found it as soon as we stopped recording. You have no recollection. Oh my God. The site crashed locks of the week by KB. 10, seven, 2020. Okay.

Maybe go on. I'm going to read the blog straight up. No, I'm not adding anything. Let's throw down some on. I'm going to read the blog straight up. No, I'm not adding anything. Let's throw down some bets. I don't know. This site keeps crashing. I don't know about you.

Motherfucking degenerates, but that's usually the first thing that comes out of my mouth on the morning of college football, Saturday or NFL Sunday. I love gambling on sports. Always have, in my opinion, there's nothing that brings a group of guys together, like checking out the weekend slate and betting on big games with each other with each other.

Hell, I'll never forget the first time I smashed the over with my paw paw. It was how I said it's a betting a gambling. Yeah, I mean, I don't I don't remember. I don't remember this. It's not coming back at all. I was playing toe jam and Earl on my Sega Genesis in my grandparents' spruce green guest-colored room. When that old Slavic fuck, parentheses, God rest his soul, barged through the door so hard that the TV changed channels and my babushka's candy jar of caramel creams nearly fell off the mantle. because candy jar of caramel creams nearly fell off the mantle.

I could tell he was at the tail end of one of his signature benders because he smelled like the inside of Ulysses S. Grant's wool trousers after the siege of Vicksburg. He staggered up to me like the carpet was covered in booby traps and after a few drunken whiffs flicked me right in the Adam's apple so hard

as hard as he could. That was his way of hugging or showing emotion to family members. And then you have a picture. You have a picture of your grandpa. That is my pop. That is my pop. He's my great grandpa. Yeah.

We've never interacted. Yeah. So you just saw this picture and you made up this story. Yeah. All of my. Oh, yeah. Because he looks so like. I would just have my mom send me old pictures and I'll be like, how do I make a story out of this?

The closer he inched towards my face, the more distinctly he reeked of stoichnod vodka, sawdust and rodent carcasses. Well, he always did. But this time was more potent and offensive than ever. I remember gagging up i remember gagging up day old dunkaroo cream because the odor was so vile he smelled like golgotha this is fire is that from the bible but after gaining his composure and taking the deepest of breath his his camel coated lungs could muster, Pawpaw finally opened his mouth to talk to me for the first time in four seconds.

That's just a quote in Russian. That's what he said. I can tell he had just gotten some pussy because he always spoke in Russian after cheating on my papushka. Don't ask me why I couldn't understand a lick of that language. But I knew by the look on his face and tone that he said something important. You ready to finally become a man? you ready to finally become a man pawpaw typically slurred his words but he asked that question completely coherently and sans a speck of racism or homophobia i was a four foot fourth grader with the skin of a swimmer and the voice of lisa simpson so i knew it would be biologically

impossible to abruptly reach the milestone but before i couldn't have given him a more resounding yes at the time i knew what was about to happen after 10 years of anxiously waiting i was finally about to see his secret man cave the one i had only heard of from the fabricated folk tales of my older male cousins no additional words needed i just followed him downstairs through the padlock door in the corner of the basement papa's man cave was a man cave in the most literal sense possible it was bitter cold there were no television posters or sports memorabilia of any kind just a wheelbarrow filled with soviet era bayonets a 1940s woodworker's vice and an old tube radio sitting sitting on a stack of deteriorating cinder blocks decades worth of smoke-induced tar buildup formed blackish brown stalactites that hung from the ceiling and a termite infestation

was so severe that if you really focused you could hear when one of the queens climaxed my papa actually told me those little fuckers were actually the most were actually the manliest creatures in the whole damn world I didn't believe him but what other animal can eat a house

a fucking house it's true as i scanned the dark room with baited breath he gestured for me to sit down on one of the old dairy crates that he used to get for free when he was banging the local milk bait everything is just so good so and you forgot about this completely do you remember this at at all? Now I do. Because every sentence, every reference was something that I had to research. Yeah. So I remember now I was spending like an hour on termites alone just to make sure the reference made sense. And all the Russian and war terminology I had to Google and Wikipedia to try to make it sound true.

terminology i had to like google and it was true yeah no to try to make it sound true the corroded walls around me were covered in erotic paintings that may have well been wingdings to my naive eyes papa always said the arts were for nancy boys and pillow biters but he was a wizard with the paint brush in his prime instead of dropping nine dollars on a playboy that cheap fuck figured he'd just draw the damn things himself and boy did he his lifelike depictions of jabungos were so detailed right down to the montgomery glands on the areolas is that a real thing yeah so i know yeah so i was like all right how do i make this descriptive about the nipple let me look up specific parts of the nipple so i would spend a while on that dude it was i was putting myself through hell trying to come up with these he'd make his buddies from the vfw pay an entry fee

just to come inside his man cave and boy did they those horny fucks you kidding me pawpaw was a true man's man the last of his generation he didn't gargle whiskey before breakfast or carve wood after supper because it was a hobby to him he did it strictly out of habit chopping up some cedar was more of an involuntary tick than a deliberate action for him he was he was what those soy soaked dweebs in r slash ask reddit think nick offerman is without saying a word he turned one of the dials on the old tube radio until the muffled voice of a presumable broadcaster started spitting out the pre-game stats about tomm Tommy Maddox and Santana Moss. Pawpaw looked me dead in the eyes and mumbled something about being in deep with offshore sportsbook

and how we, not he, desperately needed to hit the 47.5 over on the Steelers vs. Jets game. Fine by me. I'd have done anything for quality time with the man. The announcer's play-by-play was masked with so many layers of static that he may as well have been speaking Russian. But I could tell by the way my paw-paw saw paw-paw progressively destroyed and shattered every tangible item in the distance that things were off to a sour start. Long story short. I'm very invested. I want to know where this goes. Long story short, the Jets beat the Steelers 6-0 that day and my paw day and my papa skipped town the next morning leaving me with nothing but a list of odd jobs

and tasks complete around town before he never came back regardless of outcome betting on that game with my with my old man's old man was the best day of my entire life a bonding experience that i'll always cherish especially now that he's literally gone forever. There's a picture of you smiling next to his casket. You just smiling on the truck bed next to his casket. Anyway,

here's my CFB locks of the week. Texas plus three versus Oklahoma. Texas Tech and Iowa State minus 12 and a half. Arkansas and Auburn minus 16. Florida minus five and a half at Texas A&M. South minus 12 and a half. Arkansas at Auburn minus 16. Florida minus five and a half at Texas A&M. South Carolina 11 and a half to has Vanderbilt. And then it's all your picks and then the blog's over.

It was the hardest I've ever laughed. That was actually pretty good. Yeah. Do you ever miss it? Ever miss blogging? Yeah, but I was doing it at a frequency where I couldn't really enjoy it. Yeah. But yeah, it's just a better outlet than speaking for me.

Oh, my God. When you have an idea in your writing, it feels really good. That's when it feels great. Yeah. Really? Yeah. All right. Yeah. We could if people like it, we can go over an old blog, an episode, because I feel like you got some some one that you poured hours into.

Yeah, with me. Yeah, that's that was more of a game than a blog. I was just like, I want to put a maze on the website. And so I built this maze here to choose which you clicked and chose which direction you wanted to go. That's my idea of a blog. How long did this locks blog blog take you would you estimate um dude probably an entire day like a full like i'm not working around the clock but yeah yeah you weren't even in the office at the time of this right you would like

occasionally pop in yeah no i would go to rent i would go to the cafes hotels he liked going to lunch i remember that you like going to lunch you'd go out for hours probably fucking get drunk yeah you'd always come back with a moscow mule yeah i remember just in the office with a moscow he had the copper mug in the office and i was was like he definitely just stole that wait you just leave the restaurants with a Moscow he had the copper mug in the office and I was was like he definitely just stole that you just leave the restaurants with a copper that was in like the early stages where I was getting so drunk on the job on the job but that's like and I would get so drunk I'd I would like flaunt it because there was no guilt involved so I would come back with the the mug if there's any profession though where you can be drunk, it's writing. Yeah, you're Hunter S. Thompson.

Yeah. I convinced myself that I was like, I kind of romanticize that. Right. So that's still kind of cool. We should take a day and go to different bars, be alone and each write something drunk. It's not it's not easier. No, it's not easier. No, but you convince yourself that it's easier.

You're more confident with every word you type. It doesn't make it better ever. I would feel like the self-loathing phase of writing would hit twice as hard when you're drunk. I always feel that when I write something, when I used to write things, you get to a point like two-thirds of the way through where you're like, this is so bad. I've been wasting my entire time. Have you ever read my blog, Holy Fuck? No. You would like Holy Fuck.

What was Holy Fuck? You don't remember Holy Fuck? Was that how you responded to a pussy? Holy fuck. First off, if you say a sentence like upon seeing a pussy, that's that's you. You're not reacting naturally. Can you explain to me why you thought that I would like this? It's simply a picture.

Yeah, that was my blog. Holy fuck. Oh, yeah. That was one of your best. Yeah, that is. Oh, that's a picture to you. Yeah's that's an optical illusion it's like a test no it's an optical illusion it's uh it's either a candlestick or two faces oh nate even blogged about it a reaction blog a blog about a blog no way yeah nick's blog is one of the best blogs i've ever read on Barstool. I'm sure he meant it.

Hell yeah. I've had some real stinkers on there though because I went into this not thinking I'd have to write at all and then they're like, alright, here's your blogger, log in. Shit. Yeah, that was tough. That would be a good challenge though we all get either drunk

or off loud jays and see what we can write oh you don't know what oh yeah I've so insignificant that I forgot about I fucking relapsed at Dave and Buster's everybody that's the place where you go yeah I at Dave and Buster's. That's the place where you go.

Yeah, I did. I had an espresso martini and then I had like a sour beer and then we went to a bar and I had watermelon margaritas. And how'd you feel? It was good because i i didn't i didn't feel any better i did there was no tolerance difference and i still felt like tired and shitty at the end

but it's what i needed four drinks i was able to socialize and have fun yeah yeah and you had a smile on your face all night. I didn't have to, yeah. And you didn't go over the top. You were fine. And then I woke up and got one of those 20% pints of On the Rocks. Had that for breakfast. Wait, what is that?

And I say for breakfast because I didn't eat. Because I wanted to continue to get wasted on an empty stomach. And then I got four mini... No'm kidding i was i was about to just i was no fuck maybe you should yeah yeah you relapsed at dave and busters i did yeah so it was kind of like an ego move i was only keeping a lot like trying to keep the streak alive for that number to be big to feel better about myself i realized it's kind of meaningless you broke it to me like how somebody like a woman breaks that she's engaged like how she shows off the ring on her finger you came up to me you're like guess what you showed me your sour beer it was the reason i did because i was at my birthday

party at dave and buster's my 30th birthday party at dave and Buster's alone for 30 minutes waiting on the crew to come. And, you know, when you're alone at Dave and Buster's at your birthday party, that's tough. Yeah, we got there late. Damn. You know where I was? Where? I was drinking with everybody else at another bar. Yeah.

You guys all you guys all rolled up yeah i wasn't offended by any means but there i felt so lame solo at dnb is in the eyes like that sober i had to be like yeah they're coming they're coming you can't really play games solo either no No. Not around all the kids. If I walked in and I saw Kyle with a sour beer playing Guitar Hero, but you don't have the dexterity to go past easy. Fuck. Well, welcome back.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So you're off on half on half off. There's a streak back on. Right now, I want to be the guy who doesn't really drink. Yeah. Pick and choose my battles.

Well, we're going to grab dinner after this. You want to have a beer? A couple cocktails? Saying a couple cocktails is way cooler than the idea of it. Yeah. Yes, it is. All right. That's the podcast. cocktail the idea of it yeah yeah yes it is all right that's a that's that's that's the podcast

this fucking knock off montclair actually hurts my head it's so tight looks good it is super tight bro no one would know it's knock off i know i don't know why you'd ever buy anything real yeah

all right cool