A New Untold Story - THE OOPS BOYS - A New Untold Story: Ep. 322

Episode Date: December 15, 2022

He was just a boy who loved throwing his baby teeth in the Pacific ocean. Nothing more. Nothing less. Also Francis and Julio from Oops the podcast stop by. Ads: Gametime Download the Gametime app at https://barstool.link/GametimeApp and redeem code UNTOLD for $20 off your first purchase (terms apply). The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration. Drive Sober or Get Pulled Over. https://www.nhtsa.gov/ SoCo Learn more at https://barstool.link/SouthernComfortBSS Ridge Wallet Go to https://barstool.link/RidgeUntold to save up to 40% off through December 22ndYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, A New Untold Story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad-free on Amazon Music. untold story episode what Kyle? This is 322 Unfortunately there's no area code for 322 It's a little thing we do every episode we dive into that numbers area coding Is it 323? Is that LA? You're about to be 323?

322 is it is something it's like Puerto Vallarta Jalisco, Mexico I could have roasted that I guess It would have been too easy It is something. It's like Puerto Vallarta, Jalisco, Mexico. I could have roasted that, I guess. It would have been too easy? It's Mexico, yeah.

Puerto Vallarta. The V is a B in Spanish. I need help, yeah. Puerto Vallarta. And the L's are silent. And the J is silent. It depends what Spanish you're speaking, too. We're here with Julio and Francis.

Thank you guys, because we needed it. What up? Thank you guys for coming on. No problem. I was happy to remind you that you'd asked us. No. And so we usually pray. I had no idea. Zero idea.

I invited him last week. Yeah, you didn't. Yeah. I invited him last week. And Francis was like, hey, you still want us on? I was like, let me ask Kyle. And then I was like, wait, I'm in charge. Yeah.

And so I was like, yeah. Nothing worse than when you say, do you still want us on? And he goes, oh, yeah, let me ask. So I was on your podcast last week and you guys, I was waiting in the lobby and text you. I'm ready when you are. And you guys, I told you that before you walked in and you forgot about me yeah that's potentially you forgot about is that right yeah that's what happened yeah and i walked in you're like yeah we forgot i guess we'll have to call it even yeah

we're calling it even or as kyle might say even did you have a speech impediment no that's spanish No. Spanish. The B is a B. The L's are silent. E-ring. Like Gallaudet losing to the Delaware Valley. Yeah, their L's are silent. The J is silent. DIY. I thought that was Bob's role. You keep going. You feed off that. Come on.

I don't know that I can do this much longer. Nick, if you have to ask me. That's when things have gone awry. You gave us the fact. Our show has become. No, me if you guys could come on. Our show has become very stale. Last week our episode was called The Little Green Apple when we roasted that little green apple the entire time.

Shreds. And so I was just like. Ethered it. I don't want to be one trick ponies. So throw that away. Get rid of it. Looks like looks like a lion yeah tell me about it brother that line already no we didn't you called it what yoshi's sty that was pretty good but uh we're done with that we're not one trick ponies today but i got this little red apple she's pathetic yeah tell me about it boys take your shots.

It looks like you're about to get sniped. So I was writing jokes for the... Tiny ass apple. Little Red Dot. Yeah, you're right. I started writing jokes about, you could see, Little Apple. I titled my paper. I started writing jokes about this pathetic Little Red Apple.

And then I was reminded by you that you guys were coming on. So then I started writing jokes about you so if you could if you could humor me while i say these two jokes about this little red apple please thanks guys little red apple did somebody embarrass gwinneth paltrow's daughter it's pretty good it's pretty good her daughter's named apple who's in college now wow nyu yeah how time's flown i still think of her as a little baby yeah same sounds like she's Pretty good. Her daughter's named Apple. Pretty good. Who's in college now. Wow. NYU. Yeah, time's flown. I still think of her as a little baby. Yeah.

Sounds like she's a Big Apple now. Not to be confused with the gas company. Why didn't you go with the city? The city that we're in? Yeah. Isn't Big Apple a gas company? I mean, it's first and foremost the nickname of the most famous city in America. It's also a bank.

Why don't you stick to Mexico? When I say Big Apple, I don't think of gas company. Am I wrong about that? You might be. Isn't that a gas chain? It's New York City. It's a big fat Macintosh. And then whatever the gas company is way down the list.

That's right. Big Apple gas? Little Red Apple. What is this? aids ipod nano that was the the red program that they did just thank god you guys interrupted and said uh can we come on you begged she brought one in for comparison whoa that's tiny yeah it is apple look at some red skin i mean commander. They try to submarine their own podcast. They try to torpedo their own pod.

It's like a giant fireball. If that's a gala, this is Woodstock. Oh, shit. Yeah. Belongs on a Hindi girl's three head. Tiny red apple. That was red apple that was good that was good he has these in his notes i don't want you guys everybody thinks i'm the one with the notes he has them as well yeah go ahead kyle you're gonna eat an apple that's the worst thing to eat on a podcast apples we've said this apples are way better accessories than they are foods

it's a cool guy thing particularly that kind granny smith that's the worst apple it's horrible they're bad they're sour they're tarts yeah yeah but no uh how about this yeah yeah if we were using this apple to smoke weed as a group it would have to be puff pass oh that would be good that would be good that's pretty good i think i get the hang of this tiny ass gala yeah be a micro dose there you go so the only reason that i pivoted to the small apple was i i ordered a really big apple off amazon to make jokes about and it didn't come in in time so next a little little sneak sneak peek into next week's episode where I have a pretty big apple to make jokes about. Roll doll wishes.

Love it. Julio's doing well at Barstool. Are we roasting them? I don't know. Kyle and I should know. We also hitched our wagon to a Frank. No, you don't have to laugh at this. Oh, Jesus.

That's pretty good julio's also worked with mgk so i guess everybody julio works with uses fox to up their social standing wow and you yeah no i got that one and you i didn't need to work for mine so this is so i had an hour to do these. Please keep this in mind. And all I had was your headshot to work with. Oh, God. Julio has the world's deepest dimples.

Face looks like a steel drum. He always travels a lot. I hope you don't go to Jamaica. They'd hit you with a stick. Right in the face. That's fucking insane get fucked dude get fucked look at that

look at that get fucked I'm hearing Jimmy Buffet covers that's the one I think I'm hearing Jimmy Buffet covers when they hit you in the face with a stick.

Julio's from Haddam, Connecticut. It's a beautiful town at the fork of the Connecticut River and the Salmon River. So you two are really opposite. G was born at a salmon fork and Francis was born with a silver spoon. Nice. Francis is self-absorbed and racist Alice is his favorite bloodline and least favorite island a lot of foreigners coming in through there

yeah if I had a billion dollars for every time Francis worked at Barstool I'd have enough to be invited to Francis's dinner parties with the Bennets. You do get invited to all my dinner parties. Not to that one. Not to that one. Francis's vein.

Oh, this one's so bad. Uh-oh. No, this one's dumb. Dumber than the rest. Dumb. Dumber than the rest. Francis is vain. When I was talking to him about Harvard and I said he's a legacy, he got mad and rolled up his pant legs

and said they're at least a B+. Legacy. Good legs. It always takes me, sometimes it takes me second. No, don't, don't, please don't. No, but Francis is vain. He refuses to work with anybody better looking

than him, but he's still willing to social climb. He'll gladly hang out with Birbiglia, but would never get caught with a hot mic. I wrote this last week. I went out to dinner with Francis. It was nice. When the waiter came up and asked if we were interested in specials, Francis said yes, but he'd need a grand piano.

Thank you guys for coming on. Francis is gay. Francis is gay F.E. doubles as his initials and one answer for fuck marry kill entourage edition with him he'd F.E. I'd fuck Sloan the woman

she was a babe still is that's all I have I have one more but it sucks as opposed to the other ones Francis doesn't always take roasts well that's all I have. I have one more, but it sucks as opposed to the other ones. Francis doesn't always take roasts as well. I think you, you,

you don't seem to be that upset. Well, these weren't true to be honest with you, to be honest with you. I'm embarrassed to say, I, you know, I don't get all of them. The,

all of the jokes. Oh, his, they're not, they're not good. Deep puns. There's a lot of word play and i sometimes i i'm working on figuring out the last one he said and he's already through the next one

that's my life also which i think is impressive i mean i i i no no that's bad that's bad as a joke you should get them you just roasted me back i just laugh to make it seem like i get them but i often don't which is just it's almost a nice place to be in no no no this is bad for me but granted i they're all gettable jokes they're not they're not not good jokes i trust that you write great i know you write great jokes i didn't have i was pressured for time i forgot all about you guys there's probably last minute there's probably something 30 minutes about i thought you were gonna go my initials are fe which is also the periodic element iron it's the symbol for iron yeah so there could have been something about that i don't know what's your middle name corson fce no nothing nothing for fce it's an a away from face and once i get

to know you better and you're juice for me yeah it's fair but i do think you're more likable yeah you're not the only one so hold on i gotta get through this game time ad first because we're very thankful for that uh you guys don't know you're on the number one podcast at Barstool in ad listen retention. Wow. And the number one podcast at Barstool for having to give money back to said advertiser. I did know that. Oh yeah, a lot of people do know that. Is it on the forums?

No, Erica told me that. Did she? Yeah. What? I mean, we were making it. There was like a joke about it. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is why I had it in the song. In your song at the company meeting, yeah. Yeah, that the make goods, that they're responsible for a lot of them. Yeah.

Yeah, that's funny. But not Game Time. They've stuck with us through thick and thin. We love them to death. Kyle, you know the gist. Created by fans for fans. And you're going to get tickets to something regardless. Are you going to an event?

Why not use GameTime? Beautiful. And if you haven't given it a shot yet, we don't know what you're waiting for. We've been using GameTime all year. I want to see the Rangers. I want to see the Music Man twice with Hugh Jackman.

Same day. So easy to use. Amazing deals. Fastest growing ticketing app in the US. You're going to love it. Download the GameTime app. Go to the account tab. Redeem code untold for $20 off your first purchase.

Terms apply, of course. Download GameTime. Last minute tickets. Lowest price guaranteed. Hell yeah. That was pretty good. That was solid. And our listeners are called Blue Raspberry Guys.

They listen all the way through every time do you ask them to or is it because you often make the ad reads funny uh we used to make them funny we had a meeting that they brought some serious actual receipts um they brought literal receipts to the meeting. And now the listeners, guys, listen because they feel obligated. They're guilted. It's like Catholicism. They're grateful for how many great laughs they've had in the past. Well, I'll say that it's really nice to be on a podcast with the two of you. I would agree with that.

Thank you. I like you guys a lot. I'm glad you guys are around. It's fun to see you both and I'm proud of you both. Okay. I'm proud of you.

No, no. Mental health check? What? Mental health check? Bad. You have to go to a neurologist yes do you really tomorrow yes for like physical things or my head's been out of it you can't remember anything well that was one of my symptoms i went to the the doctor and i had a whole list of things i

was ready to spill and she just wanted me out of there and it was it was tough i almost pleaded her to like stay so I listed a thing. I wake up. My head feels heavy. It feels like there's a clamp on my brain. It feels numb. Wait, how could it be numb and a clamp? You're trying to get Percocet.

You know what I mean. Maybe. My cognition is tough. It's hard to converse with others. Can you see? Remember things. simple things. Did you have COVID last year? I did not. Have you had it?

I don't think. This sounds exactly like the brain fog that a lot of my friends have described from having had COVID. This has been going on for weeks, and in the past week, it's gotten a lot worse. Really? It kind of started when i went sober which might mean cognitive withdrawing dude i'm telling you i i have a buddy who had covet and has had persistent brain fog and he's not a an imaginative but it sucks to say i have brain fog that's a fake ailment like no one's not dude, dude. But no one takes it seriously. They're like, oh, yeah, I do, too.

Yeah, have a cup of coffee. There are crazy articles now that have been written about the pervasive effects of it, how it makes you think you're losing your mind. It feels like early onset Alzheimer's. Everything you just described sounds exactly like what he tells me it is. That sounds like hell. Cap, it's been bad. You think he he's lying i don't think he's lying that the brain fog thing i don't have i have trouble the problem is the term brain fog yeah it sounds like brain fart it just sounds like if i

like smoke smoke too much weed or something the next day like that's the brain okay so it's let's call it you know post-concussion syndrome brought on by so yeah it feels what i feel like the best way to describe it is i've had a severe concussion in the past and i've had mono it feels like a combination of the both the fatigue of the mono and that does sound like covid the head pains or the do you struggle to remember names sometimes. Yeah, but this is like simple things. Like just memory. You've been impossible to like contact. And I asked and you said you're taking a break from iMessage.

Yes. What? It's bad. Yeah, I've been a hermit. What is that? Taking a break from iMessage? Yeah. Well, that doesn't even make sense.

It's like me taking a break from elevators. It's the same thing. I've done that as well before but um yeah i took it like i i deleted the twitter and instagram app and i i message i muted i message i think you're you don't know how to unmute it no you muted all of i message yeah what yeah what does that mean do you ever reply yeah I deleted the iMessage app so do you get green text now you're the shit turns I'm obviously kidding I've just I've been no I've been nothing is obvious about this I don't think you can delete iMessage as a functioning human with a job um but you don't use it you probably send 10 texts a day until yeah you're you're you brought us in here with a a cry for help no mental health check and thus

it's not obvious we could we could do a fit check i'm going to believe check fit check first not bad huh the fit is good it's cool it's a-y. It's tough. What do you mean FedEx-y? It's good. Like the FedEx colors. Orange and green? Yeah, he's right. Yeah, he is. Oh my God, it is purple. Oh, yeah.

Wait, is it different? It's FedEx Air and FedEx Ground, different color palettes. I don't know. FedEx color check. I look like the kid from your class who got head on on the ski lift at killington with the bar up you didn't see it but he told you you look like you can break dance dude that's good that would be cool dude i've been fucking miserable too this is this is therapeutic you guys are sad boys my apartment is falling apart at the seams. My shower, they replaced the hot water tank.

I had cold water for about three months and I was just taking cold showers and it's finally hot. It's supposed to be good for you. It's supposed to be good for you. Didn't like it. Not for me. And they got a new hot water tank and my water smells like fucking shit. It smells awful.

It smells like wet hamster bedding. And there's like a note up in the elevator like yeah it's stinky but like it and cloudy but it shouldn't hurt you and so like oh my god i i like would go i went out on the weekend met my boy maresh he was like dude you reek and i was like yeah my bad i showered and that's real yeah you smell like shit from taking showers yeah i smell like wet like wood chips along with like it's like paper mache-y. Oh my God. It's odd.

It's definitely, it's not, I shouldn't say stinky, it's distinct. That's that. Hey, let me ask you guys something. How's this, I'm sorry, I don't want to change the subject. No, no, no, no. How's this going so far? Why do you always worry about that? Yeah, you need to worry about that.

No, I'm not worried about it. I'm just wondering if this is going well by your standards. Yeah, we, no. How's this going so far? Why do you always worry about that? Yeah, you need to worry about that. No, I'm not worried about it. I'm just wondering if this is going well by your standards. Yeah, we're fine. Because I wondered if after this episode, you guys were going to gather and say, man, that didn't go well. In which case, I'd rather address it now so we can right the ship. No, no, no. We're good. I feel like that didn't help.

That what you just did was that just ruined it dude i feel such apathy toward this on such a rate and then you what you just did was just ruin it all because now you made it feel like oh wow when we're doing this it feels way better all right yeah i guess this is a bonus congrats congrats on making the bonus episode no hold on tell us more about the shower. I didn't mean to interrupt. It's going to be hard to backtrack at this point. I just don't even know anymore. Stinky shower.

Yeah, my shower stinks. And then every time I turn the sink on, my shower drain shoots up water and it looks like porridge and it doesn't drain back down. Oh, my God. Yeah, it sucks. Are you paying? Yeah. You're not paying.

You need to. Well, the thing is. Talk to your landlord i didn't resign my lease and so i'm just kind of in this gray area paying and he's chilling he didn't raise my rent from covet prices wow and my my apartment is beyond my means size wise so i'm i'm good i'll just stink for a little bit oh god i hate to see that for you dude and it's not even stinky i've i stink. I sued my landlord. What?

Yeah. The one I had in Chelsea. That place was amazing. You had a full backyard. I did. Because of the break-in? No. From not returning my security deposit.

You settled, right? We settled, but I filed small claims court. What was the security deposit? A month's rent? Yes. Was that like a pride thing? Yeah didn't they didn't they but they lied it's not like the money like oh it's more but you know the money was nice too but yeah they assume that you're not going to come after them they assume you're not going to do the work to retrieve the security deposit right they

like tried to pull some like oh you fucked up the floor but like you didn't they they said that i had fucked up the stone work over the uh the the stove and showed me pictures of how it had been sanded improperly and then i found photos from the original listing of the apartment before i moved in that clearly showed that damage had been done long before I moved in. It showed them that and then they said, well, then you did this instead. Yeah. Did like a tomato hit a big LCD screen behind you? Do you know that they played

Laugh Boston? Oh, nice. And sold it out. Sick. And did not make a dime. What? It cost us a lot of money. Why? Lost a lot of money. You had to pay for that screen? No, no, no.

Just going to travel and stuff? I agreed to do that solely because we were going to get paid. We were going to come out in black. I tried on your behalf. Yeah. Wait, what do you mean? I reached out to the head. Thank you.

To try to get a better deal or something? No, no no to any money they said they sold tickets and then they sold out they told some of their fans to bring tomatoes to throw at them the fans threw the tomatoes

which hit this new LCD screen the fans didn't bring tomatoes we had a bowl there oh they handed out the tomatoes those are small right and we quartered them The fans didn't bring tomatoes. We had a bowl there. Oh, they handed out the tomatoes. They were Romas. Those are small, right? Yeah. And we quartered them so they weren't as dense. You cut the tomatoes?

Yeah. So you're handing out... Runny? Sliced tomatoes? Diced. Diced. Quartered. Yeah, because we thought they were going to hurt. They probably would have.

And the fans in the front row threw the tomatoes at them and hit the screen behind them. They did not. We reviewed the footage. We have the footage of the entire... But then they sent us a picture of one of the women that works there pointing at the screen.

I have the photo. Have I shown you the photo of the damage? I've seen that. Yeah, I have seen that. It seems small. I have to imagine that it's more about what you did. We cleaned up. I'm sure there's language

in the contract somewhere that says you can't have your fans throw tomatoes at you. We sent the flyer in and it said special guest tomatoes and then they said, well, we thought that was just a special guest you were having. A guy named tomatoes. Or just...

No, because it was a photo of a bowl of tomatoes. It couldn't be confused with the man tomatoes. Who we love. He's a legend. No, we do love... Tomatoes, if you're watching, we'd love to have you on. All right, let's do a gut check.

How's it going now? Good. Is this going well? Yeah. Great. Yeah, again. Stop doing that, for sure. Kyle, you're the same, almost the same colors as the Barstool insignia behind you.

I'm red. You're a rosier guy. Not orange. Yeah. Wait, the shirt, right? The fleece. Yeah. The fleece.

So I tried to microdose shrooms. People were saying, that's the move that's the move and it did work um you're microdosing shrooms but it rendered i was at the gym just giggling which was weird yeah well giggling about anything in particular it's sitting on the fly machine giggling and people yeah we're going to failure it's not it's not i'm gonna maybe i'm gonna reverse taper and try to work up a tolerance. A reverse taper? You're going to start big? Small. And go big.

And then get bigger and bigger and bigger so I can handle a lot every morning. Is that not just tapering? I think that's just tapering. When I think taper, I think you start big and you go smaller and smaller. Same. Tapers off. Yeah, I i guess so are taper and taper off opposites well you could probably taper on which is what he's talking about taper on

um reverse taper so you guys are both new here i guess things have changed since the last time you were here so you're new to this it is all quite new uh i've realized that we have like this enormous snapchat following it's one of our biggest revenue drivers really yeah guys no no no bar store as a whole oh and they just have they're they're looking for anybody to go in there and just record and so i've been going in there just telling blatant lies i forgot that's a thing yes like a snapchat studio show i did a show but then i just like they had the space and the show ended lost its sponsorship not not tied to me at all it's just oh but uh too bad no shame but so i just go in there now and i'm just saying lies to like millions of people and i did one about the xfl rules

and i just like and it went viral and people just like this sounds fucking sick and what was it i was just like the like the field goal post has a bar at the top. It's like one of the segments where you just deliver like topical news. I'm just, and I'm doing it in like the voice of like a now that video. And you're allowed, are you allowed to just lie? Yes. But are you though? Like a media company?

Like I know like the onion, like if your thing is satire, can i don't know i just i don't know yeah but who's gonna yeah i just filmed one today about a rick and morty live action movie coming out starring dennis quaid is playing rick and then i figure what really would get people pissed if morty was black so caleb mclaughlin from stranger things is being morty and p i recorded that today and it's just coming out as truth. You did one. No, but you guys should take advantage of that. It's so fun. We could do. Sick. I do that. I'm not even making

them funny. I'm just lying. Do you have a Snapchat as well? Like a personal Snapchat? You're just going on there. No, I have one just for my fantasy football group chat because half my boys are androids. I worry about Snapchat. I think that if I had one, I have one just for my fantasy football group chat because half my boys are androids. Yeah. I worry about Snapchat.

I think that if I had one, I would get a bunch of nudes. Yeah. That's a burden. You can't be in your 30s with Snapchat. Right. Right. You have it. I have it.

It keeps on suggesting your account. I'm not friends with you. I don't use it. CuteKitten69. You can't change it. You can't? That was mad funny in 2012. That was peak.

Yeah. You're Snapchatting. You're going to get that name. Who, how old are you? 29. And you're? 30. Interesting.

Do you know that they went to the same high school? I did know that. When I met you guys, I actually yeah, I didn't know. I had no lens of who you two were. Francis didn't tell me anything about you. I just knew you were these two nice guys from West Virginia. They weren't friends though. We were acquaintances.

I wouldn't say hi to you if I passed you in the hall. I don't think we interacted once. Not once in high school. I don't know if I even saw you. i ran from class to class you did yeah while checking my pulse i sprinted i was putting on like um plastics and running in the pool around the pool it was super hot there oh yeah No, we didn't. We I got your phone number for the first time at a Connect Four tournament. You always say that it makes us sound like losers.

It was our friend's party before the WVU football game that happened to double as a Connect Four tournament. You accepted the Facebook invite that said. Yeah, but when you said we met at a Connect Four tournament. No, no, no. It was a WVU game. I lost first. I didn't even Connect Four tournament. No, no, no. It was a WU game. I lost first round. I didn't even know the rules. The rules are the title.

The rules are the title of the game. It's like if football was called touchdown. Yeah, I don't know. Or no, football would be called more points. What was that? Did that go well? What? That bit?

It's not a bit. It's not a bit. I still have a screenshot of the Facebook invite that you accepted. There was no way. It didn't say anything about WVU football, Kyle. Yeah, I accepted the request. You were too busy fucking looking into strategy. I was getting my fucking flirt on at the point.

There was a lot of girls there. Who got more chicks in high school? Kyle. No, I got one. You got the chick. You got the chick you got the check what was her name she's a big listener of the show erica thank you thank you for dating me that's good hell yeah she posted this picture of you on her facebook i didn't i wasn't friends with you i was so jealous and it was you in that that atlanta hawks flat brim holding it over your dick.

No, it was the Red Sox flat brim with the Atlanta Hawks shirt. Oh, fuck. And she captioned it, mine. That is good. How old were you when you lost your virginity? I'm not going to tell you. 17. That's good. That's a standard answer.

That's good. And how about you? 17. The standard answer. You? 17. Really standard answer. Yeah. That's good. And how about you? 17. The standard answer. You? 17. Really? I was 16. Freshly 18. I was 16.

You guys tell me. I lost my virginity to a woman who became- She had to have been like 30 or something. She became a lesbian shortly. I have- After that. I hear that all the time. I'm responsible for two conversions.

I've been part of some as well I've been a few You too? I have as well You had to have I dated girls who were very good at horse Athletic women? With a basketball game? Playing horse

On the basketball court I caught somebody that was dating with a woman. Talking about how she was in love with a woman. Yeah. Ooh. Yeah.

What do you mean caught? Yeah. Like, okay. Do you want to hear the story? It's like not, I don't know. I've caught a lesbian before. I saw it on her phone,

but I wasn't like looking. I caught a lesbian on her phone, but it was not a girl I was dating. I wasn't searching for it. I bought her cell phone when you could switch SIM cards and her photo was still on there. It was just a picture of her. And I kept it to myself. Didn't didn't tell anybody what she was naked or something no she was just kissing your girl wow that's cool

like passionately yeah was it just like no no no no like you and i would or like you would yeah no wait so wait was just their faces yeah, was just their faces? Yeah, it was just their faces. And it was a selfie of them kissing? Yeah. And you could tell it was more than just a peck? Yeah. Was it at a bar?

No, no, no. This was high school. Okay. That changes things. Are you sure it wasn't a dare? Could have been. But then they both ended up coming out oh you had the sixth sense

well no I just had the proof wasn't a sense at all of sight I had the second sense that would be an awesome movie the second sense I haven't even seen the first five I can't even seen the first five. I can't watch this. That's ridiculous.

I haven't even fucking seen Scent. I'm so far behind. I get four jokes behind. The fourth sense would just be like touching dead people. That would just be weird. Well, I started thinking about what the second scent actually is. Whether it's, do we assign a ranking to the scents? I don't think so.

Touch is probably one. Most important is sight. Sight is one. Yeah. It depends, dude. I feel like if you have one really strong one, it can overcompensate for the others. Like in a nature show.

Like a mole that can only smell uh but for humans it's sight it's the the thing you don't want to be the most is blind yeah dude i thought that until i watched the whatever sound of metal and then i was like fuck he was losing his hearing yeah but like being deaf i felt so bad for him have you seen that movie no it's really you know who can't see that movie? Every blind person. They had the pianist for X ambassador. That's like,

where does he rank on famous blinds from top five? He's one of the best. He's not top five famous blind musicians. Not even top five famous blind musicians. I would, I would much rather be deaf than blind yes I think so too but like either one are in a way almost equally bad

like they're in the same category of bad one happens to be a little bit worse I mean we watch we what we all loved squid game and shit like that we want that's pretty much yeah what we did we watched it without hearing it yeah you can hear it. You can hear it still.

You can still hear it. But consuming media and all that, it's better to be able to see. You can read captions. If you can't, listen to it. I will say that when I'm listening, when I'm watching something, some shows, when you put the subtitles on, will annotate stage directions. What? Not just dialogue. Like for spoilers?

No, they'll say dramatic music playing. Oh, yeah. I don't like that. And when that happens, it occurs to me that would be enough to get me excited about this scene. Were I blunt? Were I deaf? Comedies would be ruined, though. Because they

come out too quick. I read too fast for the speaking. Who decided that you needed to put a disclaimer at the beginning of every show now saying that flashing lights are going to occur? Have you noticed that? Oh, yeah. What the fuck is that? Yeah. Is that like for epilepsy or something? Yeah.

Is that like a law? I don't know. Because usually it's some normal show that happens then after. Moot, can you add it in a strobe section? Yeah. Intense. Guys, I think we turned it around. This is going better now. Regardless, that is...

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great that no it's good that a psa is sponsoring your podcast we once got sponsored by another comedy comedy podcast smart list that happened to us too but then oh that's the jason statham one today jason baitman baitman that's sick look at us jumbling jasons uh yeah but it was just like and that it's the funniest podcast drop what you're doing right now and go listen and there's no ads. It's like, what the? What are we doing? Money talks, remember? With Mesh Lakhani. I want to get sponsored by more just public services.

I can't believe this is real. I want to get sponsored by Mr. Yuck. What was that? You remember the sticker that you put on poison? Yes. Yes. I went as him for Halloween once. i used to never want to go as uh i always always as a kid went as an inanimate inanimate objects for halloween like what i went as a box a few times every time my mom got a new appliance i was going as a box for christmas um that sucked i went as a chewed piece of gum So I wore all pink and just my mom glued a shoe to my head.

I went as a scratching post once. Um, I went as a speed bump. My mom died a bunch of white, white jeans and a white shirt, yellow. And then we rolled a tire through black paint and then rolled it on there. And I just laid down. So you've, you've been this way your whole life. Yeah. Cause those are, um, I never wanted to go as anything like living you're i don't know what how to put it it's

almost like adult swim costumes humor from cartoon networks yeah i was a cartoon network kid growing up yeah there's a vibe that vibe exists like i'm not certain that all of you didn't get together to be like, let's fuck with Julia and see how long it takes. That's how I feel. I feel that they are fucking with us. No, not at all. And it's okay because I know they do that, which is why I thought I might fuck back by continuing to ask

if this was going well. I'm struggling to be present. He made everyone angry. I didn't realize when it was you know when you think about something that you did weird as a kid yeah i told this story on the bracket i used to uh my my mouth was very crowded as a boy and i had to get all my teeth pulled i got like eight teeth pulled and i will get two teeth pulled at a time and you say poo poo i think it's an accent i have um i get there was a reddit i completely i overcame my

it's like it's like a pittsburgh i'm the i'm the the textbook standard for for dialect yeah i'm the baseline you're neutral yeah that is awesome i wish i could but uh i i remembered I got a bunch of teeth pulled as a kid. And my dad works in law and his main office was in San Francisco. He had one in San Diego as well. So I'd go there every summer to double up as a vacation while he was doing work stuff. And I would bring my teeth with me. And I thought it was so cool to throw my baby teeth just into the Pacific Ocean. And I thought I did that with every tooth I lost. I read that I got pulled. I would throw my teeth in.

I would bring them on the plane and go to fucking Fisherman's Wharf and throw my teeth into the ocean. But I thought it was like the funniest thing. Sounds like Nick was not taught about the tooth fairy. I was just collecting my money.

That's the thing. I knew damn well about the tooth fairy. No, you thought the tooth fairy was Poseid collecting my money no no that's the thing i i knew damn well about the tooth fairy no you thought the tooth fairy was poseidon it was the seals at the wharf yeah the hell is that about i can i confused i don't know i just and i i loved it and it was like my favorite thing and i was like mom can we like can i go through my teeth in the ocean now what where'd you go into san francisco what do you mean your dad worked in the law i've never heard it so my dad is like the he wrote this fucking highway read my dad uh stumbled ass backwards he's the director of a like a law firm a decent sized one and he's never been an attorney didn't go to law school so he's tapered he tapered he tapered out he tapered it in so he's never been an attorney. He didn't go to law school. So he's tapered. He tapered.

He tapered out. He tapered it in. So he's like. No, he reverse tapered. So he's the director? Yeah. What does that do? What does he do?

Beats me. Your dad likes me from my Fox News appearances. Does he like me less now? Oh, he hates you. Did he taper off? No, my dad is as centrist as they can come. Just a reasonable guy? Yeah. Does he chill? Well, he hates you. Did he taper off? My dad is as centrist as they can come.

Just a reasonable guy? Yeah. Is he chill? Well, he's like politically right, but he's also gay. Oh, sick. Is he actually? No. Yeah, I don't know.

No, no, he's not. You said that so many times. You've made the straight thing. Right. That for you to have said that. I beat that to death. I thought, wow, that would be unbelievable. No. If that were the truth. you've made the straight thing right that for you to have said that i beat that i thought wow that would be unbelievable no if that were the truth if it was just true so that's the thing i think

i was never i never believed in manifestation and then you made your dad gay i made my dad gay about it because i do believe in that he's in a walking club now. He moved from San Francisco to Hell's Kitchen. Yeah, wait, wait. He escaped West Virginia once. But he left my mom behind. And they're still together in Hell's Kitchen. Get away from all those giant waterlogged teeth. There's some tubaloo involved with the Nicktooth necklace.

The reason... I wanted to confuse... I knew you had something. Looking back, I wanted to disrupt murder investigations. Like, well, we found a tooth, and it was just a West Virginia boy's. Tuvalu. That's good. It's capital.

I'll tell you. He knows every country's capital. You know every country's capital? Oh, what? Every country? Every country on Earth? You probably will get, maybe he'll get me, but I know every single one. I know every single one, yeah. Sri Lanka.

Sri Jayawar Dhanpurakot. Yeah. Oh, my God. Wow. Wait, wait, wait. Let's have them go have a do-off. Do-off. Brunei?

Brunei? Brunei. I'm giving you the big one. Bandar, Sherry, Begawan. Jesus. All right. Wait a minute. You got the two off the bat, the two three-worders. Okay, so then let's try Kyle.

Let's try Kyle. Well, this is not going to go deep because they're both going to be good. Yeah. So I just named the only countries I know. What about Malaga? So when you start throwing out things that aren't countries, then yeah. What about Malaga? So when you start throwing out things that aren't countries, what about Albania?

Is Malaga not a country? Malaga? No, it's not a country. Malta? What is Malaga? I don't know. M-A-L-A-G-A? I'm throwing off the game. What am I thinking? I'm throwing off the game. Sorry.

Mauritania. Oh, no. Wow. He knows the real pronunciations. No, I don't. That's how I was going to say it. Kind of whitewashed them all. Can I go back to manifesting my dad being gay?

Can you tell me what Malaga is? What is Malaga? I don't know what Malaga is. Is it in Spain? I made my dad gay, guys. Malaga is a municipality of spain well done julio forgive me kyle i wasn't trying to i actually thought it was a country on my explore page pride tours nyc popped up two likes and they're in front of the stone wall and that's my dad i caught him in four k well it wasn't that nice of a camera but he's on a pride tour to the Stonewall

So I don't I don't know what's going on There's enough evidence for me to kind of You know Take it easy My mom's going to be so mad at me Wow You guys should geogast together

You do that? What is that? Oh brother Oh you would love it. Oh, brother. It's a game. It's essentially Google Street View. It places you somewhere random on the road.

Where are you? You have to guess where you are. That's cool. Did you like scoff at it? You'd be good at it. No, no, no. I just thought it was funny. I think that would be sick.

I enjoy that. No, no. Dude. All right, guys. This episode of A New Untold Story is brought to you by SoCo. Whether you're at a festival, tailgate, or at a soiree, party, get-together, shindig with some friends, SoCo is the ready-for-anything whiskey. It's packed with flavor and makes a mean SoCo sour.

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SoCo for sponsoring the pod. What? I could do that and recite the president's in order in kindergarten dude kindergarten it was bad for me because uh before you could go out to recess you had to go up to like the big paper shoe and tie it to show you could tie shoes and i didn't learn the entire year so i would go out to recess late and they when i was in first grade i never learned. They sent me back to the kindergarten room to tie the shoe. Bad. I still can't. No? It's a lost art form.

Yeah. How about you slide those on? Those puppies? Yeah. It seems as if we have similar brains in a way. We do. The presidents, I've thought about memorizing the presidents. I have not. But there is a chunk.

There's a chunk. You guys are exactly the same. Post Lincoln and pre McKinley. I can't get that. I can't remember them. I don't care anymore. That around him. Fillmore Jason.

Starts to fall off. That's good. Once Garth. Once who ran it back? Chester Arthur. Once he ran it back. The guy who went and then's a cop and then had someone else and then had another person yeah it's grover cleveland it's grover see yeah good call

grover is one of my favorite uh muppets i was obsessed with the muppets as a kid he was i only wore like my mom bought me i've talked about this on the pod before i was obsessed with swedish chef and my mom would get like custom make Swedish chef T-shirts for me because you couldn't find them anywhere. Your mom was very. Yeah, she let me be. She let me do my thing. Where does she live?

West Virginia. She's there. Yeah. Where in West Virginia? Wheeling. Where is Northern Panhandle? About hour out of Pittsburgh. OK.

Huh? Yeah. You all right, dude? dude brain fog how you doing over there it's not brain have you tried ashwagandha what is that it's a i think it's like a root or something but it's been shown to have very good cognitive effects i'll try whatever i tried to get them on my ginkgo i got got you boys drinking ginkgo. Try the ashwagandha. Where do you get it? It's a herbal supplement. It's easy to find anywhere. Dude, acupuncture is good for pressure.

Pressure stuff, you know. You have headaches? No, I don't have headaches. I can't think. I can't even contribute to a conversation. Well, that's why I kept saying, is this going well? Not being able to contribute to a conversation isn No. Well, that's why I kept saying, is this going well? No, yeah.

Not being able to contribute to a conversation isn't... It's bad for my job. Yeah, and mine, because I use you as a crutch. Well... No, I bank on you doing something. We can clip it. We'll find a clip. We'll get a clip.

Let's try to get a clip. Do you want it to be controversial? I don't know. Just something that's going to go viral. They's try to get a clip. Do you want it to be, like, controversial? I don't know. Just something that's going to go viral. They'll post on the main account. You guys are good at going viral with your clips. Really? Yeah.

We have been lately. We've got... Wait, then why'd you say really? No, because... You son of a bitch. No, because we're like, nah, dude. I don't know. We've got...

What? Dude. We've had a couple... It feels like we're at a fucking Margaritaville with all these flip-flops. We've had a couple feels like we're at a fucking uh margaritaville with all these flip-flops we've had a couple decent ones i don't know like this is the guy who goes on snapchat and just lies about everything what does that have to do with anything who you calling flip-flop i'm not flip-flopping i'm just lying and the clip there it Damn, you're good. No, we, some of our, I think what we like to try to do is find things that are male-oriented, but have not been covered yet. What?

Is that what you think? Do we do that? Male-oriented, but haven't been covered yet. I think our best clips tend to be... So you're saying purely original. He's thinking of one clip in particular that you really like. That's my favorite one. That's not necessarily true about which one.

What male topics haven't been covered? He liked the clip. I liked it very much too. But I think this is what you're basing it on, Craig. And if I'm wrong, we did a clip about guys saying goodnight to each other. Then it's his favorite clip of all time. And it was very good. And you came of all time. And it was very good. And you came up with it and it was very clever.

Are you talking about like that awkward moment when you're about to go to bed with your boy at like the same time? And what do you say? When you're splitting a hotel room, you're on a bachelor party or something like that. You turn the lights out, you're having a conversation. And then do you say goodnight to each other?

That was a good one. She's very polarized. Good night? I don't think good night is... I mean it. I swear to God I mean it. At the most you say it. Alright. I'm with Kyle.

Good night? No, but you just say goodnight man. No, you don't. I don't mean it. i don't you can't no no together those two syllables good night if anything you could say night yeah even that it's a little awkward our good clips are arguments between us oh my dickhead of the week oh you have a dickhead of the week that's another segment we do but wait a minute it's he pisses me off because he could pull dickhead of the week

from anything any any object any human being ever in history right now i'm doing an exhaustive process of like uh considering everything like fictional characters real people he always does a pokemon he always does no it's whatever whatever i truly believe has been the biggest dickhead of this past week to you specifically this current week to just in general yes so week what what have been the dickhead of the weeks in the past um executor awesome pokemon forget already forget nuzleaf another good pokemon no we all we agree no redeeming qualities and this one's the worst one yet. In fact- Is it a Pokemon? I should save this for the last, because you can't get worse than this. Is it a Pokemon?

It happens to be. It happens to be. A repugnant sight. This is the grossest noun I've ever seen, let alone person. Person? This is the grossest noun, let alone creature. This is it. Garbodor?

It's Diggersby. Diggersby? The rabbit with hands for ears? Oh, that's one way to put it. It's awesome. I like its gray and brown color palette. It is the most repulsive looking rabbit I've ever seen. It's a Pokemon. It's gray covered in splatters of brown. It digs.

And yellow. It has a dirt beard and a filthy smile. It looks like a pedophile. It's definitely an alcoholic. What do you mean? It has a gross overbite. It's a rabbit. It's three foot three, 94 pounds.

It has, ew, its ears look like two blimps. Like blimp-like appendages. And the end of the ears have claws. It's talon-like claws. It's a Pokemon. Explain, yeah, put it up. Ooh, it's evil. What a disgusting creature.

It's bad. Diggersby. What a terrible name. That's jarring to say. Diggersby? Sounds like a slur. Sounds like a slur for Hector Zeroni. What else? name that's jarring to say diggersby sounds like a slur sounds like a slur for hector zeroni what else um it's weakness here's its weaknesses it's a pokemon it's it's things around

its weakness is fighting yeah grass water and ice this man is this dude's kryptonite is the Earth. His planet Earth. That's everything. How does he even fight? He can't fight and he can't be on land. He's a mole? It's a rabbit that digs with its ears. How does it win duels? It beats electric-type Pokemon.

Verbal debates in limbo of a dream? Look at the brown splatters and the yellow... It digs. Oh my God. It's camouflage. What did I say? my god it's camouflage what did i say i think it's a good design it looks disgusting it's brown and yellow where does that work for fucking ups fuck ups it's all about the down um what does diggers be what do you look at that are you are you not agreeing with me it's a pokemon Pokemon. You guys. You guys are neutral. I don't think he's cute.

He's not. Pokemon don't have to be cute. That's the worst part. It means pocket monsters. The worst part, it evolves from a very cute 10-pound rabbit. Yeah, no, this looks like the illegal immigrant of Pokemon. What are you talking about? It's come under the border.

That would be Jinx. Without a doubt. That built the tunnel. That's good. Under the border. Diggersby looks like if Richard Jewell got accused of blowing up

the bathroom at a cracker barrel. He looks like he slipped on coarse ground grits and fell into a vat of sawmill gravy. Diggersby does look

like a UPS worker, one with Prater-Willi syndrome. He got hungry in a traffic jam and ate the truck. Diggersby looks like the glutton from Seven if he started

haunting Donnie Darko. Diggersby looks like Chrissy Metz went into disguise as Chrissy Padres. Oh, come on. Diggersby is unlovable. God hates Diggersby. Diggersby's ability, only ability on Bulbapedia,

the official site site is cheek pouch it'll vary i think oh my god dude and then our listeners will edit the bulbapedia to anyone can find it if you look up diggersby if you look up on twitter it's all it's kind of sad it's morbid how poorly people it makes you look up diggers it's making girls cry like little girls who play the game because they had the uh the bundle b which was cute and then it evolves into the diggers b and they get shocked and they cry but that's the best that's the best part about it um if you look up diggers be on reddit which i've tried to find something about it the top one is just it's a post to r slash gay furry porn if a diggers. Don't watch it. Don't watch it. Don't look at it.

Don't look at it. That's the top one. And the top comment is, sorry, I just can't help but being repulsed by this Pokemon. He looks like he would molest me. This is a commenter, a subscriber of r

slash gay furry porn. They were off put. They were off put. Oh, there he is. Oh, man. Yeah. Look at that cock. I said this yesterday.

I said this before. It looks like a baobab tree from Madagascar. It says no top. It's a mesa-like top. Then r slash gay furry porn. Even like the moderator took it down. Imagine being the moderator, the Reddit moderator of our slash gay furry porn. There's celebrities, billionaires who kill themselves. This guy is still active.

He's still active and he's like he's very active on like, you know, cleaning up in like moderating the our slash gay furry porn. And he's also very into the Pittsburgh Pirates subreddit. Does the live game threads. Debating the worst slumps by lefty relievers. It could be you, dude. This guy's two interests are gay furry porn and the Pirates.

But even he, this guy hates Diggersby. He doesn't even hate him. He's just disgusted by him. Goddamn. This is what some... No betrayal will ever come close to the absolute

gut-wrenching horror of watching your adorable sweet baby Bunnelby turn into a grotesque, ugly, grimy and absolutely bitchless Diggersby. I don't have it all, dude. Can't have it all. I think the design, the concept is cool.'t know dude can't have it all i think it's the design the concept is cool no you you can't keep saying that there's there are a thousand there's over a

thousand pokemon all of what are you expecting are you expecting everyone to be a bratwurst it's disgusting it's lumps everywhere what name one body part that's good that was designed right it's over by the concept of a ground rabbit that digs with its ears is cool. Agreed. Look at that. The realistic one. Oh, God. But if you want a monster to fight for you, I'll catch that

ten times out of ten. What are you doing with Diggersby? I'd run Diggersby on my team. You haven't. You've been playing religiously for ten plus years and you haven't done shit with Diggersby. It'd run Diggersby on my team. You haven't. You've been playing religiously for 10 plus years and you haven't done shit with Diggersby. It's probably been 20 years. You'd get him to dig bunkers on a golf course. Awesome.

Yeah. You can have him and not be fighting him. Yeah, you could be putting him to use for utility. And look at him. He's got a low punny on each arm. The most fuckable Pokemon. Pull up low punny. It'll never be your horny ass's dickhead of the week if you had a good c on him too dude no i think he's cool he's alpha there's low punny she is hot he had one on each arm people who jack off to uh sexualized

megacarps were off put magic carbs yeah magicps they can't they couldn't even take there's a guy who does a random number number generator on tick tock and whatever number it lands on he has to beat off to that Pokemon and he does a review afterwards that's insane and you know yeah that's came up in the algo oh

I'm trying to think if I could even do that no Kyle you really turned the pot around that That was good. You brought us back. You did. I did see. I saw a very good, not good, very awful diagnoses reveal on Twitter. What?

You know, when someone comes out, I have blank. Oh, yeah. Some guy did a quadruple one. And here's what it was. He says, my name, he says, is a full government name. My name's blank. And I've been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, post-acute withdrawal syndrome, and pedophilia-obsessive compulsive disorder. Mental illness takes forms in many ways.

It does not define who you are or what you value. Tweeted that. Damn. Hang on a second. He tweeted that. He was diagnosed with pedophilia obsessive compulsive disorder.

Right. We need to figure... I don't want to look it up, but I want us to... That's exactly. I googled it and then I started and now I'm fucked.

Did you peel the apple? I'm sorry. Did you peel the apple? What is that? This is the inside of the little tiny apple. This is the only thing keeping our show going. I peeled it. Where's the peel? You're not inside of the little tiny apple. This is the only thing keeping our show going.

I peeled it. Where's the peel? You're not going to put it back on. Where's any of it? It's tiny. It's microscopic. We were just making fun of the condition that people that peel and pick and eat. Very Diggersby behavior, dude.

I'm going to be honest. I was recently diagnosed with obsessive compulsive pedophilia disorder. How would you use you? Why are you saying this? Because that's why I peel small apples. Baby apples. Can't say what I'm about to say. I have to call it the commanders.

Thank you, Francis. I'll buy you another one. They don't make them anymore. Do they not? I'm sorry. I don don't know I don't know if they've stopped making tiny apples I stole these from the kitchen no this is fine pedophilia obsessive compulsive disorder he sounds like he's trying to normalize it this guy

yeah and all the replies were positive does that mean that so it's the kids you this guy is also suffering he's also suffering from withdrawal syndrome so he's he's addictive and he's obsessive over pedophilia apparently it's just the fear the immense fear uh of potentially becoming a pedophile? This guy would prefer to be blind. That, yeah.

He could have just omitted that and said the other three, right? That's interesting, though. Ridge Wallet is an ultra slim minimalist wallet. Holds up to 12 cards plus room for cash. Hella cards in there, Francis. It's made of RFID blocking technology. It protects you from digital pickpocketers plaguing New York City. They also have a new key case to help organize your keys. It secures anywhere from two to six keys.

It organizes the keys in a compact silhouette. What color is that? Oh, that's like a custom, like a brushed cobalt. Yeah. There's six colors of the key case, including carbon fiber, burnt titanium. I use the key case. I like it. I like fidgeting with it.

It's in my coat pocket or else I'd get out. Yeah. You have one. Boom. That's slick. It's a nice one, too. It's in my coat pocket or else I'd get out. Yeah, you have one? Boom. That's slick. It's a nice one, too. It's slick as hell. Sick.

But yeah, you guys can get the best offer at ridge.com slash untold. Thank you, Ridge. If they want to send some, I would take them to give to my old man. They're sick, dude. I'm getting my first Ridge wallet this week, actually. I'm very excited because just a few days ago my wallet lost my credit card it's so old and loose

that it just literally fell out so I'm getting my first Ridge wallet so that doesn't happen anymore I'm pretty jealous you guys are all waving yours around and I feel left out but I'm pretty excited about that so shout out to Ridge there's an Edgar Allen Poe poem called The imp of the

perverse where he describes this phenomenon that a lot of people experience where we stand on the edge let's say of a subway platform you're thinking are you saying intrusive thoughts in that this syndrome is just the intrusive thoughts of one day fucking a kid. I think that's what this guy was saying. Yeah, I guess false accusations are getting... Being in prison for having had a pedophile charge is a nightmare to me. That's a death sentence. Yeah, because you're going to get fucked up so bad. You're going to get fucked up so bad.

How do the inmates find out? The cops won't happen. It gets around somehow. They have some access to what's going on. I don't understand prison at all because I follow some prisoners on TikTok. Yeah. There's like 10 different prisons in my head.

I thought one is just a dark room all day and then I hear people are pooping for six hours. And they're like, what? Too much free time. Some of the prisoners are hooping, playing basketball for six hours a day. I'm not making a joke.

I thought you said pooping for six hours. I thought you said tubing. I heard hoop and mudgy. I heard you. So, of the perverse is the idea that you will stand on the edge of something and you consider this thought that you fear your own brain causing you to jump. Even though your rational brains is I know that I would never do that myself but what if in a moment of insanity i you know exited my own sphere of rationality and and just jumped the there's no there's no barrier to me doing something insane that's a disease there's no barrier to me murdering somebody on the street

that sounds miserable that that's even crossed your mind, even if it's mild. That's worse than pedophile. That's a worse burden. Those impulses, there's a cutoff for them. I have them too, but it's like throwing something out the window or being at a gathering with people who are being really nice to me and being like, fuck you. I don't think about slitting someone's throat or fucking kids no i know that's a very that's a much nicer version yeah i think

that's that's a better way to put it yeah i had i had a thing happen you you have trauma from like you know facing consequences yeah you've yeah yeah that could be it. But I had this thing happen. What substances are you doing? I just smoke weed. Do you smoke weed? What a play, dude. I was late to that. I was very late.

Yeah, dude. I love it. You guys got into that? No, I'm not into it. I tried to. I can't. You are? Yes.

Are you really? At night. Yeah, I mean, that's all. You're almost a stereotypical stoner. Dude, it makes video. It's everything I've ever been told, but it's true. But you also should, like, what are you smoking out of? I don't smoke.

Oh, I did the vape. The Delta, the 3C vape. How do you get into weed? Because I had a bad experience in college where I embarrassed myself. Bad. Yeah, so that's your memory of it?

Just smoked weed. And then you were just made full of yourself? I was with my buddy, Kevin Kogan. Cool guy. He always wore a beanie slouched. He could doodle, sketch Red Bull cans. could doodle like sketch like Red Bull cats. Yeah, he could draw smash Red Bull cats. That is cool. You were just like laughing too hard? No, we were with a group of girls and I started

freaking out. Oh, I'm so high I can't breathe. My heart's beating fast. And so one of the girls had an N64 and I'm very, very good at Smash Bros on N64. And she like she wanted to play and I swept her. Ten lives didn't kill me once. And she was like, you went too her. Ten lives didn't kill me once. And she was like, you went too hard.

And I got in my own head. I was like, oh, my God, I embarrassed myself. And I did. But I was high. It was like the first time I've ever been high, and I went to the hospital. I get those thoughts, too. You went to the hospital? I went to the hospital.

I did this as recently, yeah, a couple summers ago. Yeah, I went to, I actually recommend. I thought you said it was in high school. No, this was in college. Oh. Well, what, like, it wasn't just the paranoia did you start having physical uh no you were just like i need to the hospital yeah i was scared because of like how were you like thinking i'm gonna kill myself no no i just like got so anxious and i started freaking out and i convinced myself that maybe i was like the one case that the weed would kill all right maybe it was laced and yeah and i called my mom i do think

it's a different landscape for you now because you fundamentally have a grounded understanding that this is not going to kill you going in i don't think by the way i'm not trying to tell you to do this again no but i'm i am afraid of everything i live every every second of my life i don't think you could get to the stage of matt at because what I had to do was face that near-death experience in my head, go to the hospital. And I'll tell you what, I did think for a fact I was dying. I thought there was a chance I'd be saved. But in my head, I knew I was dying. And no high is better than coming out of that hospital

alive. But I looked myself in the mirror. That's a good eye. Myself. And I said, Kyle, you have two options. You can, you can run from that experience. You never want to feel that again, huh? You never want to feel like you're dying again, huh? And I said, yes, but if you want to enjoy this drug, you're running out of drugs to enjoy. You're going to have to keep doing it. And you're going to have to. You can't do less. You're going to do the same amount or more.

So I took a day off the next night. I did the same amount of brownie. The next night after you went to the hospital? Yeah. And was I in panic? Yes. Did I think I was dying? I thought there was a chance I wasn't.

Did I get through it? Yes. Did I think I was dying? I thought there was a chance I wasn't. Did I get through it? Yes. I logged my notes in my app. Time went so slowly, which was almost... I remember you read the notes on the podcast. Which was almost mystical. But I got through that. And the next, the third one was even worse than the second.

I thought I was going to die again. And then you know what? I said, I can give up can i can give up i can give up on this aspiration to be a weed guy and to enjoy this drug um and it'll be easy i'll never have to face near-death experiences again and that sounds amazing but guess what i want it i want it to be this person i want it to enjoy the euphoria cinematography the hbo show i want to enjoy that times a hundred and guess what i got to that point i got to that point so wait now i love labyrinth wait yeah labyrinth is good do you um do you did you after the third did it get instantly better? Did you break the ceiling there? It was terrible, terrible, terrible great.

When that great hit, I don't even know if I can say the... Yeah, it was... The orgasm was 20 seconds. That's wild, dude. Yeah, I could never get to that point. I'm too afraid of being a fighter. Who would put themselves through one time and you a one time you never smoked no i've tried again and um you just get paranoid i have gummies at my house they're gummy bears and i just eat the ears and i i like i think it's placebo i'm just like

yeah this is yeah dude i get really paranoid when i get high and i fucking smoked hash when in afghanistan oh no and didn't realize that just makes you feel the way weed makes you feel. And I just had those thoughts, but then you're fucking in Afghanistan. So obviously... That's bad. That sounds terrible. That sucked, dude. And then the next day, the guy who rolled it for me thought I just liked it,

so he kept rolling me joints. And I was like, oh, thanks. And I didn't smoke one, thank God. And the day that I didn't smoke one, I ended up having like one of the most challenging days physically and emotionally of my entire life. And if I had smoked when I did it, it would have been fucking game over. I would have like died. God. In Afghanistan.

That's bad. I just know if I get a good high, I'm going to get something bad that happened. Like I'm going to get a text. That's. But you start thinking things that aren't bad or bad that's what happens to me like i can't text somebody if i if it's important when i'm high and then even if i do i start i've done it to you before i'll like send him a bunch of texts and be like dude i'm high i'm sorry i still smoke all the time but i hate it every time yeah do you really i smoke all the time and i've never i never like it unless i'm like drunk, I don't think I like drinking. It really works for me.

I love drinking. And it's strange it works for me. It's awesome, but I just like- Oh, nothing beats being drunk. Really? That'll forever be the top dog. I love it. Never again.

Yeah, huh? You're going to be off the wagon. You'll come back. How long, Rob? You'll come back to that. How long has it been? I think I want to stop. How long has it been?

I think I maxed out the fun. I think I'm done with fun. And I realize that's fine because I don't need fun. I can't tell you the last time I had fun. Fun is exhausting. I have anticipation. Enjoying things. I'll still enjoy things, but fun, you don't need it.

I don't know what I like. Dude, I disagree with you. And I wasn't. You still have fun. I wasn't far off from your mindset i know i'm gonna yes because i i thought i tried to take inventory of what fun was because it was hard to define you're right it's more of an amorphous concept than you would think and i i looked back and i said when was the last time that I had fun?

When was the last time where I was out of my head having fun? I've done this. I've tried to log all the times I've had actual fun. And I thought back to water skiing and hooting and hollering. See, I don't like stuff like that. Or like jumping on a trampoline or being with my friends at a dinner and someone says a joke where I'm laughing super hard and leaving that dinner and saying, boy, that was really fun. You say that about everything. Just a collection of moments. No, I know, but I couldn't. There was a time when I thought to myself. Were you actually having fun in these scenarios?

I think fun you realize after the fact. Dude, you're overthinking the fun. I have fun with you all the time. I know. You're always having fun. No, but this is what I'm saying is that I've changed my opinion. Okay. And I now think that fun is more local and everywhere than ever. Fun feels different than it used to. When we played tennis, that was fun.

We had fun playing tennis. Mine isn't pessimistic necessarily, but I just think fun doesn't, you can be happy and enjoy things without having fun. Yeah. Yeah, but we had fun playing tennis that was fun i didn't i didn't why didn't you have fun i just did i straight up didn't and you kept saying how fun it was i don't believe you when you say that because i saw you smiling you're smiling the whole time you were smiling the whole time we were playing yeah chester benningfield did too chester bennington yeah? Yeah. Did you just combine him with Natasha Benningfield?

Yeah. Whoa, what a remix that would be. Yeah. Numb and unwritten. Like me. I don't even know what they sing. I did not. Sorry.

I just didn't really have fun playing. I enjoyed it though. Because when I'm playing tennis, I'm still at a state where I'm too worried about doing it well. What's your difference between fun and enjoyment? What are you, what is it about, how can those two things be so dissimilar? No, not enjoy, I was distracted.

Oh, that's sad. I see what you're saying. No, I wanted to do the tennis in the moment, but I was too concerned with playing and how I was doing to actually have fun. All right, wait, hold on. That's what's fun about it, when you execute the shot properly in that moment. I gotta get to a point where I can have fun with it. I've had fun

with you. You have had fun with me. Okay, yeah. Was it before you were boozed when you were drinking? When we played tennis, I hate to admit, I did not have fun. That's okay. I'm glad we did it. I'm going to do it again.

I had fun playing the board game with you at your apartment. Yeah. I like board games. That's fun. All right. Some board games are fun. What about when we played GeoGuessr? You literally texted me.

That was fun. See, and I logged it. I was like, this is the first time I've had actual fun since going sober. I have fun streaming with you. I try to make it fun. When you're so used to getting fucked up, your brain is to a point where you don't even know how to have fun without it interesting um yeah well that's kind of how long has it been oh i'm sorry no no good how long have you been sober for alcohol like 40 days okay he you how long did you go i've done a

few months before and i remember this thought process of like when you get over the hump of being able to do things that you could only have fun doing drunk before when that becomes fun again where like because the feeling of not having fun is almost like you feel lethargic. Yeah. Like you're at a thing where you'd normally be getting fucked up and

you're not and you just feel like you'd have no energy. It's not just you're bored. You feel like shit. Yeah. I did find that I overcame that for a brief period of time. But I'm back to like, you need to be fucked up all the time. But dude, it's great. I love it. It's fun.

That's fun. I'm sorry. I don't think I get fucked up. I get sick before I get fucked up. Okay. Damn. No, I was trying to find joy because i've been down and i was going to go buy something for myself couldn't remember the last thing i bought for

myself and i just walked down fifth avenue couldn't find one i couldn't find one thing i wanted i don't know it sucks that's okay that's okay because that's impossible you can can't go look for something you want. But I feel like I could just find something in a window and be like, oh, I like that. I don't think I could go around Manhattan and find something I want to buy. Maybe like a piece of clothing? Maybe. Maybe. Not like a thing.

I don't know. I mean, you have to be so much more specific than that. What's the last thing you bought non-clothing? Dude, I stopped buying things. You know what I bought? i bought gloves and boots for for an ice bath don't you think that's wait no it's not what there's a utility oh you're it's a utility for an ice bag you're saying fun purchases yeah yeah i respect that yeah because i used to love making fun i got i ordered a green not red laser pointer online what's the type of

laser pointer it was one of those shoddy websites like the person actually texted me from their real phone. And they were like, hey, hey, is this the, like we got it coming to and it was my old address, Gold Street and I was just like, and I was so done with iMessage

that I just didn't even bother texting him that I was the wrong address. You never got your laser pointer? No, I'm never going to get it. Wasn't it Pluto class? Yeah. It was great. Yeah. Do you like animals? That's what I'm thinking.

I love cats. Kittens, especially. Yeah, why don't you get yourself a kitten? You would have fun playing with that kitten. No. Kittens aren't fun. Yes, they are. They are, man.

They're the most adorable thing in the world. All right, guys. You guys overcorrect with the optimism. I enjoy kittens. I like to watch them. I like to feel them. I'm not having a fun time hanging out with a cat. They make you feel good.

You guys are attributing fun to everything. Dude, fun, I think... I had a blast looking at my cat. No, I liked looking at it. Your vision of fun is potentially unrealistic. It's too narrow. It's too fun.

It's unachievable. The fun you're thinking of is too fun. Like no one has it. It's an unattainable idea. Too analytical about fun. I'm not being depressing. I'm just saying

I'm done with the conventional sense of fun in my head. I think I'm done with it. You've divorced yourself of it. I think I'm fine. I used to think divorced yourself of it. I think I'm fine. I used to think that was what I had to seek. Fun? Fun.

Now, okay, hang on. This is interesting. I'm fascinated by that. This is why I'm staying on it. It took me a long time to realize that happiness is not a permanent state and that if I wasn't happy it didn't mean that i was sad and happiness is moments it's not it's not it's not a resting state and if you hold

happiness up as this like ideal that you have to chase and then and that if you're not happy something's wrong with you you're never going to be happy that and that if you're not happy something's wrong with you you're never going to be happy that's not an issue i'm i'm not depressed no i know but i think you treat fun the same way that i was treating happiness what i'm saying is i'm fine with it it's not like a some type of um i don't know yeah but I also think you're a fun person. So that's why I don't want you to resign from it. Categorically. I think I'm done with fun. I don't like that.

I won't have that. You're wearing a fun fleece. It's fun. It does. This podcast is fun. We started bad. Let's cut the most of it. But we turned it around.

This is fun. I felt I was enjoying the beginning. No, I know. I was just trying to be weird and offbeat with all that shit, but it didn't really work. No, you succeeded. I think it worked. No, it was my runner for the show. I think it worked.

And I don't know. Easy. Easy. If you met my puppy, you would have fun with her. Fun. She's really fun. You had fun playing GeoGuessr. Exactly.

Video games are the ultimate cheat code. Video games are like drugs. Literally. It's really fun. You had fun playing GeoGuessr. Exactly. Video games are the ultimate cheat code. I did. Video games are like drugs. Literally. It's true. Crossword puzzles saved my life. Crossword puzzle is the perfect activity because it doesn't give you big enough of a serotonin rush or whatever to affect you long term, but it just keeps me

distracted and content. The eureka moment feels great. Never mind. That's better than Vicodin. You mean when you get a word that you didn't you were stuck on for a long time? I like when things click. Especially when it's a long one with a lot of empty squares.

Oh, that's it? Or it's a theme and you get the wordplay. Oh, yeah. I'd be fucking in the ground if it weren't for the NYT crossword. What's fun in New York? What's a fun thing to go do? It's such a drinking culture. mm-hmm no i'd be fucking in the ground if it weren't for the nyc crossword what's fun in new york what's a fun thing to do exactly nothing everyone it's such a drinking culture it is no so you have you're having blasts i have fun he's a good time he's a really good time he's always

good i wish i had you this past weekend because i was hosting my friends married couple but uh the woman of the couple, pregnant. I didn't know what to do with a pregnant woman in the city. That's a tough one. I was like, yeah. Hosting can potentially be fun. Bowling can be really fun. Agreed.

The time we played pool was fun. Yeah. That was fun. Yeah. You need activities. Walking around. I like walking around. You don't need to drink when you're doing something active.

Your hands are taken care of. Oh, I'm walking around. You don't need to drink when you're doing something active. Your hands are taken care of. Oh, I'm usually drinking. Yes. That's that. Yeah. It got to a point where I just, everything in New York was drinking and blank. Sometimes it was just drinking. It was mostly just drinking.

Not much else to do. But like, still, you can do other shit. I go like, what did I do last night? Oh, I just talked to somebody for three hours and got drunk. What about taking mushrooms and going to the Museum of Natural History? No. I like going to the Museum of Natural History. The Met's fun, too.

That's why I took the pregnant woman. The Met is very fun. The Met's fun as shit. The Met's cool. Go to the Frick Collection. Frick? I'm an internet guy. The Frick?

I'll just look at it on the internet. Yeah, Kyle doesn't do concerts. I just watch them live on YouTube. I have a blast watching live sets on YouTube. I enjoy that as well. Why don't say I want to I'll just look at it on the internet. Yeah. Kyle doesn't do concerts. I just watch them live on I have a blast watching live sets on. I enjoy that as well. Why don't we all go to a concert? So you just you know, let's all watch. Let's all put a concert on like an IMAX level screen

and laugh. Where are we going to find out? One of your theater screens and watch a concert. But we each take turns. We all have different music tastes. We each go. One person goes in, watches their concert while the other three. And we have to be open-minded about the other people's music. No, I can't do that. Kyle, no.

Kyle and I are exact opposites. Truly. Everything we have, everything I hate, he loves. What do we have in common? Yeah, I don't know. Yeah. Golf.

Do you like golf? No. No. Do you like golf? No. If I was good, I would like it. I think it's too frustrating. Too frustrated.

Yep. I'd like to play with you someday. Let's play some golf. Mini golf. Mini golf is fun. Mini golf fucks. If you go in with the mindset, I'm playing.

Mini golf is fun. When you're in, when you're doing it, it's just like, you got to be the guy with the mindset, I'm playing. Mini golf is fun. When you're doing it, you've got to be the guy who's like, I'm going to go mini golfing. That's kind of the damper. You've got to monitor the guy with the scorecard, too. Did you love wrestling? Hated it. You hated it? I never hated anything more. Truly, it chewed me up

and spit me out. Going from high school to college, it just destroyed me. It made me insecure. It kind of ruined my self-worth. Sorry. I always make fun of you and post pictures.

You guys always do. Yeah. I didn't know. I don't care about that. OK. It was more like the weight cutting and just how miserable it was. What about writing?

Do you like writing? No. Yes. Yes. I do a lot. It's good. I get frustrated when you hit a when you hit the zone i probably have that's a top high yeah i have one idea relaxation no do like what active relaxation infrared sauna oh i love the sauna fucking bathhouse i go i go weekly a lot i don't i

don't love it but it makes me feel trying to go uh i'm trying to go this weekend how would you go he's a big bathhouse guy. I gotta stop watching. I'm keeping track of my times. Trying to improve every time. That makes it better. I'm five minutes in the cold plunge now. What about lifting? Do you have fun lifting? I love lifting. I don't have fun. But maybe getting results is your fun.

I need to start going to the gym. Getting a result? I'm with him though. I don't think lifting is fun ever. Yeah, but being fucking huge is fun, dude. I don't gym. Getting a result. Yeah. I'm with him, though. I don't think I don't think lifting is fun ever. Yeah, but being fucking huge is fun, dude. I don't know. It looks uncomfortable. He's huge.

Kyle's huge. No, I'm not. There's so much levels. There's so many levels above me. Levels to the shit. I do like it. It's not it's not bad for me. It's healthy.

Love it. Wow. It's our longest podcast ever. All right. Thank you, me. It's healthy. Love it. Wow. This is our longest podcast ever. All right. Thank you, guys. Thanks, boys. Thanks, guys.