A New Untold Story - The Tiny Green Apple - A New Untold Story: Ep. 321

Episode Date: December 9, 2022

Gonna be seeing the doctor once a day with this apple Ads: Felix Gray Check out Felix Gray Glasses at https://barstool.link/FelixGrayStory HelloFresh Go to HelloFresh.com/story18 and use code story18 for 18 free meals plus free shipping Manscaped Get 20% off and free shipping with code ANUS at https://barstool.link/ManscapedBSS Ridge Wallet Go to https://barstool.link/RidgeUntold to save up to 40% off through December 22ndYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, A New Untold Story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad-free on Amazon Music. It's a fresh, big, untold story. A new, untold story. Welcome back to the number one podcast at Barstool in ad retention and returning money to clients. A new untold story. Episode 321, reverse numerical. Pretty cool. That won't happen until episode 432. Pretty cool. 321. Yeah, that's right.

We'll get to that. Yeah? Yeah, it's an overlay area code, so kind of a fake one. I thought we were getting to it right now. No, we can save it. A day out of the company party. Didn't go. I had one beverage and left.

You were sick as a dog. You were on death's door. It killed me to see you guys see me that way. Yeah, because it was like watching your dad get beat up. It's like Kyle can get sick. He's a lot, yeah. He's mortal. It was weird. Didn't like that at all.

Today's episode brought to you by Felix Gray. And I want to take my time and read this for 60 seconds. And our listeners are going to be right there listening through it. Because that's what they do. That's what makes us number one. Felix Gray makes prescription and non-prescription glasses specifically designed with lenses that filter blue light and reduce glare. Glare is a Pokemon move. Did you know that?

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It can lower defense. Okay. Couldn't it? Even think of it in real blessing. A glare can take a Pokemon out. It can lower defense. Okay. Couldn't it? Even think of it in real life. A glare. Oh. Yeah. See, lower your defense.

How many hours a day do you spend staring at a screen? Rudy, how about you? You're looking at one right. Are you watching a hockey game right now, Rudy? No, I'm just making sure you do the ad read properly. Oh, my God. I'm not Kyle. I wear the Franklins at home when I'm watching.

I watched The Hobbit for the first time. Dude, I watched The Hobbit the other night. It was delightful, actually. I was like a big hater. I was like, oh, it's all in front of a green screen. I used to be such a. I still am. I'm talking about me yesterday.

I used to be such a fucking idiot yesterday. You don't have to sacrifice style for function when it comes to Felix Grey blue light filter glasses simply consult their fit guide or a virtual try on and the pair you love and fits best will be yours it's a cheat code I put on a pair of Felix Grey for the first time

a pair of glasses for the first time and it happened to be Felix Grey and the amount of feedback and attention you get it tricks people into thinking that you look good stop right there i'm going to finish the ad check out now the felix uh check them out now felixrayglasses.com story f-e-l-i-x g-r-a-y glasses.com s-t-o-r-y free shipping free returns free exchanges felixgrayglasses.com story end of ad you looked ridiculous in this people you looked goofy looked goofy. I looked very goofy. They were not the right cut. You did not use the virtual try on. You, but I was.

But people. Inside of Ad, you look good. So many people were talking to me. So many people were commenting about them. I'm addicted to the feedback loop, be it positive or negative. And that's what kept me going. That's dangerous. Yeah.

It's like leaving the party, coming back. You'll be a new person. You'll get attention. And that leads to that it leads to pussy i think but it can but here's the thing it'll help your chances the second that people become used to you in glasses like me close your eyes you think of hat and glasses if i have my glasses off the reaction is oh yeah it's jarring my balls are too small right and if you're intimidating and threatening it's a good way way to ease people into talking to you.

You think you're intimidating? When I put the glasses on, I did look goofy, but people who would be afraid to talk to me started. In the office? When I did the goatee, the ridiculous goatee that people started talking to me who never would. Okay. So who talked to you in the glasses that has never? Upstairs people? Yeah, I don't know. On social media.

I've been slacking on the news, but I do have the segment this week, but it's a little bit of a shift. I thought it was a slow news week. So all of my jokes this week are about this little green apple that's pathetic is that edible no it's I stole this from the kitchen on Monday and I was like I'm going to make all my news jokes this week about this little apple I hate it I'm going to make all my news jokes about this

little apple that was my challenge I issued to myself what the fuck? You got hella headphones. You do too. That's not adding up. Anyways, for those listening and not watching on YouTube,

I'm holding a little green apple. Tiny. It's so small. It's the size of a... Nauseatingly small. It's inducing frustration in me. It's like 150% of a cherry. It's about a cherry and a half. Yeah.

Little green apple. Studies have shown women in STEM have increased almost 14% since the start of COVID. Hopefully it's not this STEM. There wouldn't be much space for the women. It's a tiny little apple. Look at wouldn't be much space for the women. Yeah. It's a tiny little apple. Yeah, look at that. I can barely see the stem.

Small ass stem. Uh-huh. That's right. Tiny, itsy bitsy ass apple. With big butts glamorized in media, many personal trainers say that women no longer care about ab exercises. Ignoring the core, you probably could with this apple. You could eat the whole thing in one bite.

Literally. It's a little, little, little apple. Hilary Swank would pop that like a multivitamin. Chucky Finster would eat that and not even care. He wouldn't even get anxious. Yeah, he would. I wanted to get his Saturn shirt so bad. I thought it was so cool.

His shirt was Saturn. Nothing else. it was so sick that's cool he had you should you should wear exactly what he wears one day rudy wait who is it chucky fenster from rugrats oh okay i never watched rugrats you've never watched rugrats i was an ed ed and eddie that was my it was my move it was like apples and oranges it was after rugrats bedtime That's like 4 p.m. I think it was at 7. I was like 12. Bedtime after Rugrats? I don't know if that helped my development, Mom.

No, it didn't. Heard the kids playing all night. An alien corpse was discovered in the middle of a Nebraska farm. A lot of people are disappointed in its appearance as it's the same pinkish hue as a Caucasian would have. The farmer said if you expected to see something with green skin, take a look at Nick's little apple. That's exactly what the farmer said.

I'm glad you realize how small and stupid it is. It's awesome. It's awesome. I like it. Look at this thing. I bet it couldn't even keep a doctor away. Have you talking like Bugs Bunny? What? What's up, Doc? Every day.

Doogie Howser would get a residency at your place. My nephew, who plays Operation, couldn't stay away. Couldn't get a pre-med. You couldn't get a pre-med student at UMass Dartmouth. First year at LECOM wouldn't stay away. Could you read that out? That's Apple so small. Yep.

Yeah. You got to have a tiny little green apple if you think we're fucking. Yeah. think we're fucking yeah well i got her number how about them apples except it's this apple and the movie's good lil hunting so now you're just doing slam poetry yeah yeah fuck yeah dude uh in an alternate universe the fairy tale ended with a big bad wolf scarfing scarfing down that little girl and they're just saying yum little red delicious nah you must have me confused this is a granny smith but it is small it's a little green apple this apple is so tiny it must be from kyle's family tree bars

damn nick that apple is so small where is that from the garden of whedon who took a bite of that one atom oh yeah ato yeah because it's so it is petite dude if eve ate that shit we'd still be in paradise god would be like no i didn't see shit literally yeah dog cane baby cane wouldn't claim that out. Able, that's an unable app. Seth didn't walk through them doors. Weak ass Apple. I think it's awesome. I hate it.

Look how little. That's how I spent my time writing jokes this week. I saw you bring that Apple in. How? It was in my front pocket. Did you see it on my desk? Nick's apple looks like the iPod shuffle

logo. Steve welfare ass apple. I could go to PS 116 and find 10 fourth graders with bigger neck bumps. Minuscule ass apple. Itsy bitsy ass apple. Teacher's pet. That shit would get you detention for a week in an

amoeba crawled out of that hoe looking like you plucked that from a gooey candy rope is your period or space bar button broken on your phone you're just going Freddie Prince Jr. would mistake that for a nerd Rachel Lee cook ass apple

wait why Freddie Prince Jr. he would think that's a nerd. Rachel Lee cook-ass apple. Wait, why Freddie Prince Jr.? He would think that's a nerd instead of a hot girl. Why Freddie Prince Jr.? Yeah. You're just going to say yeah. Why'd you pick him? I said that looks like he plucked that apple from a gooey candy rope. It's so small it looks like a green apple flavored nerd.

He mistook that for a nerd. Why him? He did that in the movie She's All That. He thought that hot girl was a nerd, but she was a hot girl. Damn, dude. Steven Tyler could hoard a bushel of those apples in his mouth and still sing Dream On.

Dream On? That apple's aspirations are to be in a candy machine at Ace Hardware next to the banana runs. Teeny weeny ass apple. White blood cells were bobbing for that apple at Osmosis Jones' birthday party. Does it still count if I swallowed it? Talking about Eli Pomegranate Seed.

Granny Smith, who's granny? Ian Michael Smith from Simon Birch. The Seahawks quarterback bought your apple a brand new Zip Zap for Christmas. Talking about no more taking the bus, mama. Looking like Mike Wazowski's Freckle Kermit's kidney stone plankton's pimple yoshi stye i'm sorry god damn jesus christ that's fucked up man you saw me writing about my apple i was i was just sitting at my desk like looking i knew you were doing something with that out i didn't know you were writing actual news yeah i was like looking for hidden

features that i didn't see upon first glance at my desk just like god damn dude you don't like the apple quit looking i think it's sick i can't even see it holy shit all right good week of the news uh you can get big apples fromresh. Tis the season for saving money wherever we can. HelloFresh is cheaper than grocery shopping and 25% less expensive than takeout. 35 recipes available to choose from each week. So there's something to please everyone. Choose from family friendly, fit and wholesome, or even veggie. Plus, you can easily customize your meals by swapping proteins or sides,

upgrading your proteins, or even adding protein to a veggie meal. Quality is HelloFresh's priority. Ingredients travel from the farm to your home in less than seven days, so you know they're fresh. Traveling over the holidays, HelloFresh has plans to work with your schedule, change your preferences, delivery day, and address in just a few clicks. Actually, on Rediscovering America in New Orleans, I got it sent there instead yeah but that's hard to do they're very good about the delivery and they it's not hard to do i just said it was easy to do it's hard to get it delivered to the wrong address oh that's what you meant yes yeah sorry i'm i took that uh how any other human would go to hellofresh.com story 18 and use code story 18 for 18

free meals plus free shipping that's s-t-o-r-y 18 at hellofresh.com story 18 there we go um no talk to me about the uh 321 the 321 is like an auxiliary area code for the orlando area oh and i think i like i always roast the cities that we do but this is the worst city 321 is orlando orlando orlando is the worst to me you went off the hook but orlando is the worst city it is statistically the most overrated city by tourists. And if you look at the world, in the world, if you look at the worldwide list, it's based on percent of negative reviews by tourists. Orlando's is at 19%. The rest of the top 10 are third world countries.

Very corrupt cities that like the outsiders wouldn't know how corrupt they are like in thailand and china and indonesia i might be geography geographically dense but uh maybe i'm in the minority i thought uh it was coastal i thought orlando was coastal that's how pathetic of a city is what that's how pathetic of a city is it's not even coast i thought it was a beach town landlocked yeah quite so it was horrible when we went yeah i was in hell so not only is it disgustingly humid yeah you can't even like you can't refresh yourself you can't swim in the lakes no gators and parasites that are eating amoebas donnie went in i'd rather swim in the lakes no gators and parasites brain-eating amoebas donnie went in i'd rather swim in butter in orlando lakes i would rather swim in i don't know there you can't you can't swim in that yeah and it's it's all like marsh former marsh areas or actual marsh areas so the bugs there's millions of species of bugs which are like probably the worst thing in the world.

One of if you think about it, like mosquitoes and the like are the worst thing about Earth. Would you rather live in Orlando, Florida or Orlando Bloom? I would have to think about. Yeah, you just did. I'd probably choose the city, but, you know, you know where I'm getting at. What else? Orlando. the city but you know you know where i'm getting at what else orlando so the orlando's in florida and there's what makes florida good a good place to live uh beaches taxes beaches yeah retirement athletics nightclubs cruises and hoes branch

orlando fails in all of those categories. Branch. Branch. Beaches, retirement, athletics. N. What was N? Nightclubs. Oh. And hoes. What about C? Cruises.

Oh. Cruises. I thought you were just including the C in nightclubs. They fail on all accounts. Beaches, none. Retirement. You can't retire there. You retire by the beach.

And it's packed with tourists. Kids. Yeah. You go there to forget about kids and how annoying they are. Yeah. To Florida. retirement you can't retire there you retire by the beach and it's packed with tourists kids yeah you go there to forget about kids and how annoying they are yeah to florida but not orlando not orlando sports teams the magic come on yeah the sports teams are so but remember when uh central florida claimed they won that's how the national championship like you didn't they still no one denies that you had a great year they still went hang on to that. You went undefeated. How can you just claim that you won a national championship, which is a thing that someone else won? Somebody else did do that. Yeah.

Yeah. What else? It's always under construction. Yeah. Traffic, interstates, the I-4 eyesore. What else? The bugs. I talked about it.

Commercial hellscape. It's like you see all these lights in grand buildings and it's like the cheerleader effect. But none of it is actually worth going to. I'm not talking about Disney and Universal and whatever, because that's a separate entity. Talking about the city of Orlando. What's a pub? I don't probably like 300. I don't know.

Maybe more big. hundred i don't know maybe more big and every speaking of cheerleaders every town in america had a youth cheering squad that went there for worlds yeah they did and they all won and they all won everybody that is a phenomenon every every single youth cheering squad they won one or you guys won worlds in they went to orlando and they won worlds worlds do you not national you guys relate? Have you heard this? Yes. Always Worlds.

Yes. Every cheer. I remember growing up like, yeah, we went to, not even just youth, like high school and like older. They go to Orlando, they win Worlds. They won it. Is that the name of the event? I think there's probably like 50 of them. Because you can get, like the naming rights, you can call anything Worlds.

In youth wrestling, there was like this tournament in Chester west virginia that was called like the national something nationals and people would win in a round robin of three and say they're national champions are you one of them no you never won it that tournament doesn't count as i won that shit but you can't say no it was easy if you want to call yourself a national champion as a youth wrestler you win tulsa nationals or maybe Ohio Tournament of Champions. That's it. Wait, what the fuck? I thought we were in the Big Apple.

I forgot to read that one. Most overrated city in the world. People, the celebrities are abysmal. From Orlando? I think St. Cloud had a much better list. Hold on. Orlando celebrities. They probably have a good basketball pipeline, I bet.

Or no, they probably have a good football pipeline. Their top one is Wesley Snipes. Okay. He's not even the top Lee Snipes. Baseball's Billy Bean is second. who's the top lee snipes harvey oswald uh billy gunn is third no one knows him chris johnson is fourth okay chris johnson chris is peter's son not johnson um oh no this is yeah orlando pathetic um i would say maybe jacksonville is worse but it's not it's on the beach at least and jacksonville's huge there's something you could find that you'd like

there um damn spoke your piece so is it dead last in cities that you'd live in in the united no no it's it's not because at least it has people i'm talking about the worst like actual city no one i'm not gonna live in nebraska no no no um i'm racking my brain i'm i'm trying to get ahead of this i think i know who your dickhead of the week is or douchebag is a dickhead I think I know who your dickhead of the week is. Or douchebag. Is it dickhead of the week? This is dickhead of the week. Do you have a dickhead of the week or do you have a day recap? I would expect you to know because it's another no-brainer. Vanellish?

No. I think he means literally no-brainer. Think on that. No, I don't. Fuck. Thanks, Rudy. I was trying to do a lot of puzzles. Probably not. I mean's this is just a he's a physical disgrace by all accounts

um everything about it is i checked all of the i checked the entire bio i looked it up on were you on bulbapedia i went on to different forums message well i'm assuming it's a there is i don't think this this pokemon has a redeeming quality. So it is a Pokemon. It's a Pokemon. Lickitung. No. Nosepass.

Think about the last two I had. What was their similar characteristic? They were both plants. Yeah. Right? Pseudo-Woodo. You did Exeggutor. They were both shitty path trees.

Shift Tree? No. you did execute your uh shitty like path trees shift tree no no the dickhead the dickhead of the week well deserved is news leaf nuzzleaf nuzzleaf yeah nuzzleaf yeah i don't know why that's phonetically disgusting nuzzleaf n-u-z-l-e-f you would say nuzzZ-L-E-F, yes. You would say Nuz, right? It is. Nuzleaf's awesome. It has the body of a tree. He has nipples. But it has little specks for nipples.

Look at my first note. This is not about the nipples, because everyone talks about it's the only Pokemon with nipples. Who cares? The person who created it just added two dots. Miltank has nipples. Yeah, whatever. Yeah, it's not about the nipples. Name a redeeming quality. It's built like a a tree it has one leaf coming out of it so he evolves into shift tree it doesn't this is not about shift tree which also sucks but this is

about nuz leaf nuz leaf nuz leaves awesome and middle evolutions are meant to be awkward corefish nicked his leaf once and he was out. He hypnotized the gang for tricks and kicks. And then he cried for backup. On the video game, he is a gore. He has social anxiety. So after being freed from Dark Matter's control, Nuzleek blames himself. He's self-loathing. He's pathetic.

For the trouble he brought to the world and genuinely seeks redemption because of this, he has difficulty talking to the player. So when you're the game he's afraid to talk to you well none of them talk to you besides meow guess what he when he does talk he has a slight southern accent yes yes it says it says that newsley nuzleaf has a slight southern accent i gotta look what could be worse a bit of a straight southern accent but that means you actually it's embedded in culture you're from the south he's not he's from japan uh god hates nuzleaf um i didn't even say that i was on the nuzleaf dimensions three foot three 61 pounds what are you thinking you're probably thinking that's a tiny pokemon yeah it's tiny in height 61 pounds for three foot three that's a tiny Pokemon. Yeah, it's tiny in height. 61 pounds for 3'3".

That's medically obese. At 39 inches, a healthy weight is about 30 to 35 pounds. So it's double the weight of what it should be. Did you see what he evolves from? It's another fake tree. No, it's a hayhorn. Catch rate 29%. Don't know what that means.

No, it's pathetic. Its bulky thighs are beige and have thin striations. Yeah, like he looks like a trunk of a tree kind of. Okay, this is good. It has thin arms with mitten-like hands. How, how, how, how? It's a, yeah, it's a dual-type Pokemon with tiny thin arms, pipe cleaner arms, with big fucking hands, look like oven mitts. How's that good?

That's awesome. It can't bench press or do a puzzle. Oh, this is, this is golden actually if you grab its nose which is the only prominent part of the body it sticks out real long if you grab its nose it is rendered useless it loses its power if its long pointed nose is grabbed nuzleaf will lose its power you just have to grab its nose like you're doing a trip to a toddler and it's done it's done for um wait nuzleaf where did you hear that he has a southern accent people it's on there it's on there i'll actually show it to you nuzleaf people think nuzleaf has a fat ass no that's the back side of its gigantic inflamed. Its knees are so big that they stick out at the end and it looks like an ass. Yeah.

Wait a minute. Dickhead of the week. Wait, it does. It does on the official page. It says he speaks with a slight southern accent. A southern Japanese accent. Kansai. Oh. He's not from Kentucky.

I didn't know they were fucking around like that over there. Oh, you want to hear how he sounds? I actually got a little video. But this is Nuzleaf Rock. Shiftry is one of the few hundred IVs that I have in Pokemon Go. You just keep saying it rocks. It's not that bad. Why?

Oh. What did I forget? did i middle evolutions are meant to be okay this is also from the bio the bulbopedia it's only capital only ability is chlorophyll that's its only ability a plant's only ability quote-unquote is chlorophyll yeah my only ability is uh my respiratory. That's just part of being a plant. Well-deserved dickhead of the week. Not at all well-deserved. I don't think you rebutted at all.

You didn't give me the chance to. You said, oh, I like Nuzleaf. Oh, Nuzleaf isn't bad. Middle Evolutions by designer meant to be awkward because they're in the process of changing into their final. It is a fictional character that fights. It's supposed to fight and defeat others. It's supposed to be powerful. Oh, it's just pathetically awkward. What Pokemon have you, in your

research, have you discovered that you like? There's a lot. There's a lot of powerful ones. There's a lot of good ones. If they were all the same power, then it wouldn't be fun. That's Spanish? Japanese. Why did you think that was Spanish? I don't know. It's Pokemon.

I thought that was maybe like a Latin dubbed over version. Kyle, did you know we have a very important person in the room today look at her not quite unless someone's we're in the room with the producer

did you hear about the producer Francis Ellis got hot mic'd at the end of the rundown talking about Fox News. It was taken down after 40 minutes. I mean, but the audio was. Should we be talking about that? Yeah. Audio was already pooled. Yeah.

And they were like he was on the rundown with Adam Farone and they quoted something Adam said. And then they quoted something the producer said. This made news? Yes. Yeah. Oh no. Yeah. What news? Fox News? Daily Mail, Mirror, Mark Ruffalo quote tweeted. Oh my, oh, I missed this. But yeah, I was on the run. Barstool blogger and Fox contributor caught saying Tucker Carlson is trafficking in hate. That is so fucked up for many reasons. Many. Congrats, Rudy.

No, it's not. I want people, I want them to change the article and have it say Rudy Junda. Yeah, they called me the producer when I was on the rundown. He was just the third seat on the rundown. And that is the... So Francis was doing the third seat on the rundown and that's that is the so so francis was doing regular segments with fox yeah yes which were like very popular and then he was told the rundown was very good for his career just said chirping like all of us would yeah the rundown ended and then we were just talking he was disappointed in his fox news performance and

me and marone were kind of just like consoling him. And then we started talking about it. I did a Tucker Carlson impersonation. I don't know how that's not the lead story. Yeah. I was pretty proud of it. Well, your accents are actually the worst thing ever. Well, I heard it back for the first time because the problem is that I just do them in my head.

I'm like, this is great. And then I heard it back and it does need a little work. Yeah, you're bad at impressions, Rudy. Yeah. Horrible. But. My bam's okay. Come on. Your bam's okay come on your bam's bad okay do your bam do your bam yo this is bam margera that was something not bam that was like uh come town doing uh baltimore yeah dude that was

that was a pulse that was somebody else doing a bal accent. You have an incredible impression at that. Yeah. That's your best accent, Rudy. I just want to be so, I want to be good at accents so bad. And I just, I'm realizing now that it's just not, I'm the Rudy of accents from like the movie Rudy. You could have stuck with, yeah, I don't know. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. That works. So, cause we were talking a couple of days ago ago I didn't tell you this was bad either uh we uh we're talking we're planning World of Warcraft which will be starting over Christmas break and uh Rudy's going to be playing as an undead and do your undead voice with the Italian one you just sounded Italian yeah I well i don't know what an undead sounds like so i just wanted to be i can't do your do your undead so you were just given the the prompt i'm fucking deceased over here uh yeah that's no one has ever said that but wait am i supposed to

just grunt how was it how would a zombie sound no they talk like this. This is a zombie impression. Yeah, that's a zombie. That's a zombie. You just did Italian. That's it. Yeah. Not even Italian zombie. What was the impression we were on?

I was on your stream and you did it for a long time. It was the BAM. It was the BAM. And you were begging me to stop. I was. And I. But you took it as keep going. Yeah, I thought you were. I thought I thought it was one of those things where it's like, stop, bro.

You're killing me. You goofy, bro. Yeah, I'll work on it. I'll work on it. But yeah, my Tucker wasn't as good as I thought it was. But yeah, it was great. Is that part of the leaked? It's in there.

It's in there. It's in there. What did you say? I probably just like stole like everything i've heard on cumtown i was just doing like uh you know what's going what what's going on that's just your voice i know that's just you talking i gotta warm up into it oh yeah yeah i gotta warm up into it doesn't make sense to me i uh does it make sense to you i tried to do a george w bush impression in like eighth grade and everybody was like what the fuck are you doing so i just i gave up on impressions in eighth grade that's where you and i differ i keep going i want to

learn how to do francis though yeah hey guys that's that's my francis that i have so far that's pretty good that was yeah that was pretty good yeah hey you guys recording in here bad you guys mind if i just come and grab this i'm pretty good actually yeah i hate to admit it i hate to admit yeah after i just ragged on yours and you couldn't get the chance to rag on mine yeah yeah how you been little sick boy um shitty dude yeah shitty yeah um i'm like the the sobriety i thought that would make me feel it. Now stay 33. Has it been 33 days? Three.

I, it would be so much easier if you just like beer. Yeah. Well, I thought it would be so much easier since I started liking weed. And then I think I got addicted to weed. You got addicted to weed. I started,

I started doing way too much. Do you have an addictive personality? No, but once I, once I got a taste of the sensation of being high and i realized how good it can be i it peaked once i started doing the uh like the bootleg gummy worms what do you mean that made me vibrate oh yeah uh it was a wrap in a in a you liked vibrating that was the worst part i did dude i'm i like being rendered uh like paralyzed why i think i'm just in shock like some pure sobriety just feels like being high kind of i'm like what the fuck uh sad uh yeah that's sad but i did become like a good like i became a stereotypical stoner uh i started enjoying food and music a lot that's still just a

that's a stereotypical person but a lot yeah it was like my routine i would get i would get high and order like insomnia cookies. I would like drool over like not even, I would drool over like a kava cookie. Like drool. Like just was eating like chicken tikka masala and like drool like moaning. And then music, I was listening to like Quinn 92

and like, this is fucking amazing. That's when I knew it was a wrap. so i stopped that and now it's nothing you have been toting uh or like seeing the praise of family guy a lot yeah is that tied in cracking up at family guy clips not no joke cracking up dying laughing at family guy clips uh dying laughing at like these british kids who try to make each other cringe which is actually funny i think my tiktok is just all family guy now with that knife game underneath it's the knife spinning cutting things in half i'm just opening up tiktok right now yeah uh no no no family guy at all maybe they fixed the algorithm. No family guy. You saw the worst.

I saw the worst man on the street. Tick tock. Oh, those are so they're getting so much worse. I saw a guy just fuck up and he was like, let me redo that. And he just kept it in. They just don't care. They hold their mic so cool. I somebody walked up to me yesterday and they hit me with yesterday walking the subway.

He was just like, hey, can you name the only state that ends in K? And I was like, fuck yeah, I'm going to be on a tick tock. And I was, I went like this, you're standing in it. You're standing in it. Yeah. Nice. And he was like, all right, you won come here. And I was like, what? And it was a breast cancer thing. Oh yeah. Yeah. And I was like, I thought you were just, I thought you were a run of the mill teen. I haven't gotten the TikTok one. The only one that's happened to me a couple of times, it was like a Chinese news network that hangs out around here. And I got interviewed by them a few times.

What did they ask you? They asked me how I felt about police. And I just gave like a really normal response. And I have no idea where it is in the world. Did a couple of different ones. A Chinese news network? Yeah. but it was a regular white guy that there was did it say cnn on it rudy no i can recognize chinese letters i promise you it uh just kind of digging back in my memory now it was a chinese everybody can recognize asian characters yes it was definitely

chinese yeah uh-huh it's definitely chinese well yeah because japanese has like the tilted smiley face that people used to put i can do japanese korean chinese but i struggle with like thai lao oh thai oh the old cambodian they're very very curly yeah yeah super curly yeah when me and kb were playing geoguessr he put me on game to k. It's much more circular. If you see a circle, Korean. Yeah. Kyle, you see a circle when you look down at your little tiny penis.

It's just the head. But there's no hair around it because he's manscaped. Okay. Yeah, thank you. If you were just a dickhead, it would just be a little circle you see down there, right? A little bingo dabber. A little peach-colored bingo dab. There's kyle's dick that's the noise it makes that's that's that's the sound of kyle's cum yeah yeah

no that's a little circle dick that's you bro you're 2d dick no you guys you just told on yourself for making uh noise when you come. It makes a noise. Yours does because it's cartoon. You have a cartoon 2D dick, but no hair. 2D? Yeah. Shit, man.

All right. Compared to yours, yeah. Yeah, mine's 3D. 2D to your 1D. Double. My 1D? compared to yours yeah yeah my 2d to your 1d double my 1d yeah my dick is in one direction yours is all zigzaggy and mangled shit you got the hairy styles on i shit i use manscape um i'm trying to think of if there's that mid-ad yeah we got to stop doing that yeah we do specifically what we technically didn't start it yet all right let's start it tis the season for clean balls fa la la la la la la that's worse than what we just did yeah

i'll start over. Everybody play it seriously. Tis the season for clean balls. Fa la la la la la la la la. I can't do this, man. You do it. Tis the season for clean balls. Fa la la la la la la la. From stocking stuffers to white elephants,

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And is Winoi on? Is Winoi? That's got to be his next thing. I think he was into travis kelsey twitter right now when i was home for thanksgiving he was like buried in his phone like on the couch not saying a word i was like what what do you got cooking up and he says he's a he was a a barista who believes that they have a much harder job than teachers because they serve more people a day. Hundreds compared to like 20-ish. And they deserve more pay. And they don't have their summer school.

And it worked. Yeah. He's been getting like, he hit the 1K reply club multiple times this year. That's when you say something that nobody agrees with. Yeah. But it's like believable. That's good. I think he's at 10K on Twitter. that nobody agrees with. Yeah. But it's like believable. That's good. I think he's at 10K on Twitter.

Is he at 10K? Yeah. He, oh my God. He's getting bold. His bio now is just, I'm a really big lib, period. That'll throw him off the course. That'll lead them right into your trap. Wait, this guy's got to be right wing and faking it oh wait

no he's a really big lip so bio should be wait what's what's the newest thing he's going for uh is he on the on grinder he's commenting to tweets that are entirely in spanish uh with english what's he doing it's just a tweet that's all it was that is quick solo and like a door in his own and all the spanish then he replies with with English. What's he doing? It's just a tweet that's all, All this Spanish. Then he replies with, Wow, seems like the Hispanic community will also be voting for Walker. Herschel Walker?

Yeah, he's big into Herschel Walker. Oh my God. Or I don't know. My in-laws family all voted for Walker because my mother-in-law was a cheerleader at UGA during Walker's national championship. And she also helped tutor him and other players. Yeah.

Are people falling for it? Oh, yeah. He responds. He's a reply guy to Brittany Mahomes. Obsessed with her. He's obsessed with Patrick Mahomes wife. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And he's just like, oh, the boys got to settle their beef. I don't know what's going on with Travis K. It's so like, oh, the boys got to settle their beef. I don't know what's going on with Travis K. It's so funny, dude. I want is when I'm going to be in this area before the holidays, maybe seeing your grandma. He will be. Yeah, he'll see my grandma sometimes before we leave for break. I'm not sure because I'd love to do a dual dad.

That would be incredible. I also think we shouldn't be here for it. Just those two. This two, yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God. I don't know what it would be. I don't know.

Also, people are always, I get regular pictures of my dad with someone in the back seat because he's Ubering. He's an Uber driver. I saw him. He's been retweeting. I don't know how it gets to the people finding out that he's Doug Winoi. I don't know if he tells them straight up or subtly hints that he's Doug Winoi. The process to get to them knowing he's Doug Winoi is so lengthy and extensive that I would

like to know how the conversation led to a random person. Do you think his Uber photo is the same that he uses on Twitter? No, because his Twitter picture is like a college pic um i don't know yeah i saw him he retweeted like a positive review on his uber drive it was just like hey doug was just in your uber right he just retweeted yeah yeah thanks man yeah how the fuck would they get to the your dad has to let that he put that into conversation quick he's not the type that would be like yo i'm because first of all it's our niche just going up to any random guy wait a minute are you fucking doug winnow the twitter troll The Twitter troll? How do you? Oh, my God.

Yeah. Oh, he's a big lib. Yeah, I was going to say, they get in the car and he opens and he goes, by the way. I'm a big lib. Big lib. Doug? Yeah. Fucking Doug.

Why don't you say something? I would like to see his, like, impression stats. He probably gets more than a lot of our employees. Yes. impression stats he probably gets more than a lot of our employees yes he uh tweeted uh he doesn't here's the one thing where he he's great at trolling he's bad at uh trolling with photos because i don't think he understands no he doesn't understand how the technology has progressed he he's been doing this on facebook too before we even got into twitter he would use pictures from like our polaroid in 1998 and upload them as if they were current photos everyone in like in like the the

replies were like because he used to he would always use the picture of me as a wrestler he just tweeted as age at age six and he would in to talk about like some current thing but well and i don't know my apology are you in the boondock saints um no wait your dad tweeted a picture of you yeah recently trying to troll some wrestling

people and it was really funny it was a fish creek wv novice division we got screwed on a bad call to take eighth place. We were down nine nothing in the first period when we hit a nice cowboy to lock up a pin. But ref called us for a legal headlock. Our match was stopped when the other wrestler acted like he was unconscious. Yeah. And I used to do like the oldest photo.

This looks like it was taken. It depressed me that I was that i was alive for in a living room that looked like that um that was sad um rudy you've been big into the ai photo thing yeah oh mook you had ai write uh the news for us didn't you um talking about practice somebody on uh it really hurt me actually somebody on the the subreddit did an ai podcast episode of the us and it was kb and kyle broke me broke me yeah perfect world that i were i would be named kyle uh yeah i don't know yeah uh do you have those the the anus here come here i want you to work the one you wrote into it and see if I could tell. These mics are, yeah, they don't, they don't move.

Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm, I'm fascinated with a chat GPT. That's what it's called. Have you guys played with it? So it's like a open source AI and it's fluent in every language every programming language and it can do like anything it's writing like college essays it's writing blogs for like marketing companies like it's about to actually fuck up the world so our it's writing college

essays yes and you can you can have it like hey write a five paragraph essay on microeconomics and then you can't tell and then reply to it and be like reword this so i won't get caught for plagiarism okay it's like a real thing oh that's game over for a lot of things yes wow but i'm i'm asking you to write news jokes about elon musk and joe biden and other dumb shit so yeah i would like this a lot uh before you get into that thank you to ridge wallet today another sponsor of anus uh it's an ultra slim minimalist wallet holds up 12 cards plus room for cash there's over 30 colors and styles including carbon fiber and burnt titanium that's right it's made with rfid

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All right. The news. The latest on U.Ss china's trade war looks like the u.s and china are trading tariffs instead of trading cards that one was yours it was not yeah i figured chat gpt yeah we're fucked we're out of a job they're trading tariffs yeah instead of cars instead of the common tradable item the card the card uh with the u.s mexico border crisis it looks like the only thing crossing the border is the blame good work uh i'm afraid i'm afraid straight face gang gang are you turning into like an

awkward high school freshman you about to drop awesome sauce on yeah yeah leave these boys in the dust what the fuck is that you did that with a Nazi so yeah it's yeah that's... Yeah, make me laugh. Okay. Make me crack up. WNBA star Brittany Griner was released from prison today in exchange for Russian arms dealer Victor Brout.

Many are angry about the trade deal, but President Joe Biden says he's happy with the trade and thinks it's a fair deal. Because now both USA and Russia will get key players back in their country who are ready to assist shooters. Wait, that's what I wrote. Now that one's mook. You could tell it was very apparent he was reading that one from the. I tried to. I thought I had you.

You got Kyle. But you can't see. Please fix your vision, dude. No. People told me to get to get the new. I had the iPhone seven. Get the new iPhone. It'll improve your life so much. I it worse i missed my iphone this is improving your vision

i know i've had i've had proper vision didn't care for it that was a good news joke the other one's not great can you you should how fast does it churn these things out you can start typing right now can you get it to write a joke about a little tiny green apple yes all right so do you want like a wheat like what kind of style well you can't just put tiny green apple they would assume like a small apple you got to use a different diminutive really really really tiny about a really tiny green apple and i'm not getting any wi-fi oh the internet's down at our company this isn't a fake recommendation uh suggestion you should try that like a stand-up set that maybe one that you're like doubtful about like say like hey so i don't have any jokes but i got ai to write them start out with the real ai

and people probably you know find derived humor in that and then gradually work into your own jokes and see what, you know. Or be like, just do a really descriptive one of the guy like right there. Yeah. That'd be funny if I did it like on stage. Yeah. I was just typing it in like, look at this fat fuck old man. Yeah.

All right. Like, yeah. Write a joke. Write a joke about it. Yeah. Rudy, you regret your tattoo yet? I do not regret my tattoo no i don't um i uh i've come to love it i've learned to love the freakiness of it yeah all things considered yeah but you have not had it during short season

that is the thing right now right now it's out of sight out of mind it's pants season and you wear a shorter short. Yes. And also, even if it's just showing half, that half is still just titties. Which I'm okay with because then that sort of catches the eye. So does my swastika. Yes. And I'd rather have- Marlon Humphrey hated it.

I would much rather have big anime titties be showing to the public than half a swastika. It's going to get the same crowd. Yeah, they do like big boobies. But no, I don't regret it. It's itchy. Yeah. It's itchy. I've been putting Vaseline on it a lot.

Oh, that's not good for it. I was told that was good for it. Aquaphor? Or excuse me, Aquaphor. Yeah, I used Aquaphor, not Vaseline. I think it's probably the same thing. It's pretty similar. I don't like tattoo hardos when it comes to that the one on my forearm though just won't heal i keep getting like infected hairs and it's bad oh this is another funny thing

what do tattoo hardos say uh you gotta keep this thing on for seven days this that don't don't use this by the it's the touch everybody has their own opinion it's i i did get an ingrown hair because Peter shaved my leg. Yeah. And that area has never been shaved, so it's not used to it. I got an ingrown hair, and the ingrown hair is directly on her tit, so it looks like a nipple. Can I see? Yeah. Hold on.

While you're doing that, why was the tiny green apple feeling really down in the dumps? Because it was feeling appealingly small and unimportant. Yeah, that's better than what I did. That was good. Oh, that's a high nipple. It's pretty high, but it's still pretty much directly on the boob. This one was much more painful. Some bad ingrown hairs

right there. Why the clock? The clock is from Casa Bonita. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah best sopapillas in colorado but yeah it's a high nipple which indicates that it must be then a fake boob if it were like that if it were that high it even has like an areola around it too it does yeah there's a there's a blast radius is that what you call area areolas yeah the blast radius or or the uh yeah or the warning track i like oh yeah yeah that's good too yeah would you like titties without nipples i uh yeah i think i'd like them more i think i'd learn to

love that yeah it is fun to have a focal point though no the nipples are the the nipples make the titty no weird opinion tyler right yeah you need that nipples are but no i'm so impaired i would still like a nippleless titty no but i don't think i don't think i think you would need the you need the nipple or even though if it's covered you still you get turned on by the fact that you know there's a nipple underneath a nippleless titty's just a butt cheek you don't like butt this is the you've been ace this is your peak asexuality a titty what you or what do you want what do you want no i'm saying like if if it was like if we were my opinion on it is that the nipple wasn't the best part of the titty yeah it is i think that it would make i think a lot of people feel that their nipples sort of degrade the value

or they're self-conscious about them so if there is no nipple it would take a lot of medium mid mid moves degrade it's kind of okay. It's like fucking an android. Yeah, and then it would take a lot of maybe certified saggy boobs and then make them not saggy because the nipple sort of certifies. No, the nipple makes the sag. The nipple certifies. No! It certifies the sag.

The direction of the nipple certifies the sag. Yeah, you're right. No. The shape brings the value of the titty down the nipple is pretty consistent no they come in lots of shapes and sizes not to say the boobs don't either but there's a there's a wide variety of nipples power rank the parts of a titty nipple tit probably the tit because there's just more i'm going tip because there's just more tip i'm going tip because there's just more there don't get me wrong nipple is obviously has a ton of value but i think that the boob just is there's more of it yeah there's more there's more i'm a quantity man yeah would you rather have giant boob

or giant nipple that's that's such a answer that's one of the answer that's one of the logical fallacies that's a theory it's one of them answer me then that's impossible that's not even a real question would you rather have what a giant titty or a giant nipple well that you have to say what the size of the other one is for each one for one what do do you mean? The ratio one for one. What does that mean? Would you rather have a nipple is titty or a titty? That's all nipple. So that's a lot. No, come on, nipple man. That's a straw man.

That's one of the logical fallacies. He doesn't know that I could destroy you right now if I'm so pleased, but i'll let you destroy yourself while you talk yourself into a hole it's like a different genre of ben shapiro debate lord all right uh let's wrap this episode um i found my journal my notes app journal entries from 2019, and they were bad. 2019 journal? I was a drama queen. Were you working here?

Yes. I would use it whenever I was down, but it was every day. Come on, hit me. I'm trying to think of one. What do we got? This is March 24th, 2019. Woke up at 7 and got football tackled by anxiety. This weekend was about as underwhelming as possible.

I'm painfully addicted to my phone. I'm terrible at video and stepping out of my comfort zone. I don't even want to get into this. March 25th, I can't believe the last 24 hours. That might have been the Coke incident. Wait, what? It might have been. May 6th, combated Sunday scaries with alcohol,

and now my Monday scaries are ungodly, completely out of it. This is treacherous. Oh, no. Oh, boy. May 18th, the good old-fashioned come down. Tried to combat it with some beers, but it did not work. Oh, well. Reminds me of the Youngstown days.

This life shit really is a never ending cycle of trier and error. But I'll be damned if it hasn't been error heavy. That sounds like a Tumblr post. That is a Tumblr post, dude. This one is bad. Everything is pretty dismal right now. Zero positive emotions, but at least this shit is temporary temporary what a beautiful concept if you look at it through the right lens

i know sadness aside dude that's so that's not the ui sadness aside it's insane how much happened in the past year i don't know if this is pride i'm feeling or just satisfaction in the fortunate circumstances i stumbled into ven Veni, vidi, vici. Yeah, that's... You typed that out? This was a pretty down week for me. Nothing bad even really happened. Just nothing good, which means I'm blessed.

I've been so used to so many good things happening that I feel down when things are just average. Unfortunately, I think it will be a two hour delay in hell when I start truly appreciating the simple things. Maybe upward, maybe downward, but I'm onward. And that's today's W. What the? That is so. That's not you at all. No, you're lying.

That's not. What's the twist? You did not type that. You did not. That reads like it's Tumblr no i i added the last parts today you added the rest were there all of the sentiments were the same oh yeah holy crap that made i wish you didn't do that i know i have this utmost respect for you and i hate it when you i'm a team i'm a i'm fair across the board and i saw that and i saw how it affected me and i had to expose myself i have something i could expose

myself with maybe next week yeah but i'm not we're doing a shame i think yeah that was my shame of the the week yeah i need to work up the courage for mine. All right. You want to call it? Yeah. Boys, good episode. Yeah, that was whack as fuck, dude. What?

Oh, happy birthday, Zach Lawrence. Zach Lawrence. Is it really his birthday? Yeah. He's the man. He's the man. Yeah. He's the man. He's the man.

I bet you. Met him at the Philly basketball tournament immediately started wrestling me one of my favorite things uh do you want more people to start doing that i've gotten it's a lot of wrestling it's a lot of people are just shouting countries at me not asking me the and they expect me to it's this one guy i was so pumped i he walked past me you just said lesoto and i was like what he's like lesoto and i was like oh masuru and uh that was it did he like whisper it that would be cool not a happy birthday to who's what did this dude say what to will to what to where is the show to will sheber he said imagine being too sick to record a one hour podcast you fucking pussy yeah he has a fucking point yeah yeah yeah yeah Yeah. I actually looked through his entire page and was at all these roasts together involving like pedophilia and Charlie Woods. But he's right.

I could have done that sick. Could have done this sick. Yeah. I'm trying to look for anything good about Nuzleaf, dude. Yeah, it's a good one. I made sure to like... It's the Wily Pokemon. That's pretty cool.

No. What does that even mean? Like Wily. Like the coyote. That's like Kool-Aid stain characteristic. Yeah, it is. Who's that Wily kid? Yeah, it is.

He's the kid with the Kool-Aid on his entire face. That's him. That's the Wily kid. Yeah, I made sure to confirm that Nuzleaf was a true dickhead. I went through Pokemon forums, message boards, and it was pretty consensus.

Yeah, it's bad, man. Oh, fuck. It's not... He's dead. So redeeming qualities, Wiley. Skilled at climbing trees. It is a tree. A poor one at that. He lives in the holes of large trees.

You know who else is skilled at climbing trees? The Wiley kid with the behavioral disorder. Speaking of which, are you guys following World of t-shirts at all yeah i'm at a point where i can't look away i'm i'm looking i'm watching his live videos he got jumped when he went live once he got kicked out of i'm like following him he kicked out of the brooklyn inn he on one live he threw up in his drink and then continued to drink it. I saw one where he was peeing. He's an alpha. He doesn't give a fuck. He peed on live.

He's got a hose of a stream. Yeah, he screamed. I don't think you described the stream. This kid's world of... He's going to bars every night. Yeah. And he's just documenting in real time tock how fucked up he gets. Just drink after drink, screaming in public.

And all the comments are like, you got to try Coke, man. No, everyone is encouraging it. I'm like, dude, like I if I I want to type that, too, but I I will feel bad if something happens. No, no, no. I don't want to. I would not. I feel like. Yeah, I don't know how how his story ends happily.

At all. He's a dickhead. I'll say that. Sure. Yes. He seems abrasive. He like talks. He'll get the drink from the bartender and just scream on live how bad it is i saw him dancing in public and he somebody people other people jumped in

as you wouldn't he pushed him out he pushed him out of the way he grabbed one of their dicks what he's like he's like pot he passed like a coffee stand on the brooklyn bridge and was like just screaming how fucking a big of a ripoff it is in front of the little kid jesus wait was a little kid no i don't know why i said that like he kind of had a he has a lot of good points too i kind of align with him politically socially you don't agree but politically i agree with world what is your political like spectrum world of t-shirts all right that was three two one vidi vidi vici god bless