A Problem Squared - An Emergency Broadcast to Solve an Emergency Problem.

Episode Date: April 8, 2024

🔔🚨This is an emergency broadcast🚨🔔 Unfortunately a bout of sudden food poisoning has got in the way of our latest recording session. Everyone's safe (now) but as you may have noticed, we're missing an episode. We've now got a new date in the diary but the podcast won't be back for two weeks - sorry about that everyone! SO in this episode, A Problem Squared presents... 🧙‍♀️ The first EVER episode of bonus podcast I'm A Wizard. 🪄A latter and very silly episode of I'm A Wizard. We HOPE this is a good solution to our emergency problem, but only you, the listener, can give us that ding. And if you'd like to hear more from the Wizards, you can join up on Patreon and give as little or as much as you like. Thanks everyone!

Hello, Bec Hill here, one half of A Problem Squared, just to let you know that unfortunately we don't have an episode today. Yeah, I'm very sorry about that. This is my fault. I am currently in the States. Matt is currently not. And we had one moment where we could try and sync up our time zones and record this episode and I got food poisoning, so was not able to do anything. And we haven't been able to line up another time yet. So we decided what we're going to do is release two, that's right, two episodes of I'm a Wizard, which is our bonus podcast that we release normally only to Patreon supporters, so that you can all listen to it and have something to enjoy. We really do apologize.

Our next episode will come out in two weeks as usually scheduled. So thank you so much for your patience. Any Patreon listeners listening, we really appreciate your support and we will release not only the I'm a Wizard episode that you are due this month, but we will at some point do a bonus one for you as well, just to say thanks and ensure that you don't miss out. So thank you very much for your understanding, everyone. We hope that you enjoy this little bit of silliness anyway, and have a wonderful two weeks until we see you next.

Bye. bye i am a wizard i am a wizard i am a wizard i am a wizard we thought it might be nice to provide an extra bit of content for those of you who have gone above and beyond in making this podcast possible on patreon and so okay well beck what is i'm a wizard because you introduced me to this yeah so i'm a what is I'm a Wizard? Because you introduced me to this. Yeah. So I'm a Wizard is, it's a bit like Would You Rather, but it's more like you, there's one thing that you would like, and then you're provided with a caveat. So it's almost like a curse spell rather than a Would You Rather. So as an example, I'll start us off easy. Okay.

And then listeners will find out. So I'm a wizard. Rightio. And I will give you a million pounds. Oh. Just magic that up. A million pounds. Sounds good.

But. Oh, there are strings. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. But if you take the million pounds, your ears will stretch out a meter on either side of your head. Oh. Okay. Now, hang on. Is it a one-time payment of a million pounds? Yes. And am I allowed to use a percentage of that on corrective surgery?

You can, but because it's never been done before, you might lose your hearing. Oh, okay. Okay. And when you say stretch out a meter, that's a meter in each direction. So my width is now two meters. Yeah. And it's just the width. Like it's the same size ears. That's what I was going to ask. Is it a scale increase or they literally just white, like they're just like a stick coming out of each side. You look like the letter T. The letter T. Got it, got it, got it. And is that to scale?

Imagine if you stretched an ear out in Photoshop just in one direction. Yeah. Or is it like just the fleshy outer bit has been extended? No, it's like Photoshop. So that's why it's a bit dangerous if you try and have them. Got it, got it, right. And that means that I couldn't let them hang low and flip them over my shoulder or something. There's no like... No, no, there's cartilage.

Oh, right. So they stick out a meter in each direction. Yeah. It's actually really hard for you to get through doors unless you go sideways. That's what I'm worried about. Yeah. I am not going to accept the $1 million

if my ears have to be a meter in each direction. All right, there you go. There you are. And that's how I'm a wizard works. Yeah speaking of that beck i'm a wizard oh really yeah um very similar to the previous wizard i'm going to offer you half a million pounds a year every year for the rest of your existence except your knees now go the other way. So they're like the back of a horse leg? I'm trying to think of a dog leg. I can't remember how legs work on animals. They're just the other way around.

So the kneecap is on the back and the leg folds up. Oh, like a knee mew or an ostrich. They kind of go backwards, don't they? I think so. Do they? Yeah. Yeah. Same as a human knee, but somewhere on your leg, like a knee mew or an ostrich they kind of go backwards don't they i think so do they yeah yeah same same as a human knee but somewhere on your leg before you get to the knee everything flips around the other way and then reverses again underneath so your foot your foot's still normal

oh okay so my foot still faces forward so arguably i can't walk is what you're saying you can but so if you stand still you look normal but walking is going to be a whole new style because your hips still go the same way everything just curls forward now instead of alternating as you go down the leg but then you'd have to completely relearn how to walk because your feet are made to carry the balance but your feet stick out forwards yeah to help balance because your knees bend forwards oh yeah no yeah i'm saying it's definitely a hindrance in walking but i i get a pretty decent salary yeah exactly exactly half a million pounds a year i feel like if my knees bent backwards and i taught

myself how to walk but considering how weird that would look like i'd be like doing a dinosaur impression i could probably make more money than half a million pounds a year just by being that person that's on the news and stuff who i'll have a channel 4 documentary i'll be in movies oh okay yeah no uh there are no stipulations about you're allowed to profit from your backwards knees yeah i should also flag up just in the interest of full disclosure, sitting becomes a bit of a novelty. And so you're going to need to make a lot of money for like, if you want to go on an aircraft, because your legs don't neatly fold down anymore. Yeah, but they fold up.

That's even easier. They fold up. Yeah. They go straight up in front of the seat in front of you. Oh yeah. No, no, no worries there. Yeah. I could actually sit much more comfortably on a flight.

I mean, we're starting to talk myself into it way more. It's just win-win. When I think about the amount of times my knees get in the way. Not anymore. Baths would be easier. Yoga. I mean, yeah, I don't know. I think I'd, like my friends and stuff, would they be like, oh, your knees go backwards now.

Like, would they have known me prior to the knee reversal? Yeah, it's an abrupt change. It's not like you were always the backward knees person. Oh, I would definitely become like one of those people who's like, oh, she's got, she's had a challenge, but look at her push on and be like so brave. I'd be one of them. Are you going to go for the sympathy angle? No, no, complete opposite of sympathy angle.

I'd be like, I'm a fierce... Oh, you're an inspirational figure. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I'm taking it. Done, done. Backwards knees, one million Aussie dollars a year.

All right. So I hope that was worth everyone's extra Patreon support. Also, if anyone has any that they would like us to pose to one another or or just to both of us um please do pop it in the patreon and we'll bring it in it needs to be not cash for body disfigurement i mean there are other options yeah yeah we went in like really really harsh there but

we'll get more creative as we go along all right let's hope so all right and anyway and genuinely thank you very much for your support uh we appreciate you making making the podcast possible i am a wizard i am a wizard i am a wizard i am a wizard welcome to i'm a wizard the bonus podcast that comes along with a problem squared um so this is different yeah we're in real life same room yes terribly exciting yeah i you know i can see your face you know what i'm finding difficult is you can smell me unfortunately that's why i'm leaning back no the thing is you're right next to me but then lauren the producer is on the laptop in front of me and i'm so used to when i record these podcasts looking ahead at the laptop then i'm like we're forgetting to look at each

other beck's over there to be fair it's nice that lauren's providing a break i feel like it would be far too much eye contact i can't handle that yeah how weird how weird. This is nice. It is nice. Yeah. You're not in a cupboard. I'm in a different office. Yes, you're in your proper big office. I'm in my proper big office. The big evil genius fireplace. You reckon that's an evil fireplace?

Well, it is if you're here. I mean, has it been the background of some of my people who watch all my videos might have seen it? Can we put a photo on Patreon? We'll put a photo on Patreon. And you lovely Patreon listeners can decide if it's evil or not. I mean, one of the first things you did was mime a villain leaning against it. I've been expecting you as you were swirling an imaginary glass of scotch. Always scotch.

I got scotch from the mime. Well, I guess brandy maybe. My first guess was brandy, as you know. Cognac. Cognac is the evil love child of brandy and whiskey, isn't it? What was the terrible liquor I bought in Edinburgh? All of it. No, I remember I bought some, I think it might have been cognac

or something like that. I was like, oh, it's a classy. Oh, yeah. I probably tried to offer you some when you came to visit where I was staying at Edinburgh. Yeah, I don't think I drank anything. It was awful. And that's saying something because you know that I will eat

or drink anything. You'll give it a go. I'll give it a go. This was terrible. I think the novelty of the name, I was like, oh, I've never had, let's go with cognac and we're in like this victorian place but it was like a knockout it was like cognac because there's double g or something

that's what robots drink that silence isn't dead air by the way that's just me refusing to respond refusing to respond like i'm not refusing to respond. I missed the subtlety because I hadn't really paid attention. Oh, there's no subtlety there. It's just got the word cog in it. Cog, that's what it is. Cognia.

Wow. We should go back to recording separately. That was the sound of Matt shuffling papers like a newsreader. Meanwhile. Okay, Beck, let's move on. No, no, no. There's nothing on the paper though. It's great.

It is blank paper that is. It's potential. I wouldn't know this if you were in separate rooms. I'm sorry, I'm talking over the top of you as well. This is great. Yeah. And now we can't blame the lag of the internet connection. No, we can't.

And we've muted our producer. So we are away. We've left the chat open. So she can yell at us in all caps if she chooses. But no, this is exciting. And I've got some big news now that we're back in the same room together. What's your big news? Well, I thought I should be in person to say this,

that I am actually a wizard. Oh, my gosh. I know. See, now you've said this a lot in the past, but I've not believed you because we've been in separate rooms. But now you can look me in my wizardy eyes. Yeah you know what i'm getting lost that's it because they're massive you're like sources freak freak spell incident when my early days don't mess with eyes until you've got a bit more experience under your belt it's what i'm trying to say um so anyway i uh as

a wizard now honed i thought i'd, again, as you've noticed from the size of my eyes, into body mod, wizarding, I'm going to offer you an extra pair of arms. Okay. You do a lot of writing. Yeah. A lot of crafting. A lot of crafting. It'd be handy for crafting.

I'm like. Literally handy. Literally handy. It'd be, yeah. So just two spare hands. They kind of come out lower down. Oh, do you remember in, did you play Mortal Kombat? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. What was the name of the goro goro goro goro it's a goro arrangement what you would call someone called gordon in

australia hey goro it's goro uh goro's finally high 20s so uh yeah so we I can offer you the Goro upgrade, as is known in the whiz biz. Yeah, there you go. Oh, okay. Extra pair of arms, handy around the house. I do like that. The only minor drawback. Oh, no. What, is I have to adjust all my clothing?

Well, that too, that too. There's some clothing adjustments. A lot. Arguably every single one of my tops. Yeah, but you've only got to put two additional holes in them. Or if you got very baggy. I get cold arms though. Oh, okay.

If you're wearing a long sleeve, you're right, you'd have to wear. A lot of alterations. Oh, my coats. We're in Britain. If this was Australia, it'd be all right. Okay. What if, what if. There's already a downside to this.

What if the arms can appear and disappear as required? Oh, that's nice. I can retract them. Yeah, you can retract them. So if you need them for crafting, foom. Yeah. Go, Ari. Yeah, yeah.

You don't need them? Shum. Regular bag. That's nice. There you go. It does mean that if I ever do crafting, I have to be topless. Or you just have your crafting outfit. Okay, yeah, yeah.

With the extra sleeves. I get, yeah, no, no. outfit okay with the extra sleeves yeah yeah yeah when when i retract them yeah they just sort of like my body looks normal they don't retract like if you brought in the two fingers on a rubber glove they're not hollow for a star and they're not just like actually you know what they just pin to your side they i say retract you just it's like when you pull your arms into your t-shirt as a kid is that right but the arms no one can like yeah put their arm inside it like a glove no no no you cannot no one else can put their arm into the inverse cavity

from the goro bonus arms falling inside you and the only mild downside is that the arms are deeply sarcastic okay so like if someone's telling you something really serious right they might pop out and do like the home alone or like like a big exaggerated yawn mime so it's worth bearing in mind yeah no that's nice. But also if I'm wearing normal clothes for this. Yeah. Oh, yeah, they'll just make their way out of. They're just coming out the top. No, you're at the top.

The top of my neck hole. Like if someone's giving you a really nice gift and you're like really emotional and you're thanking them, they might just flip them off from just like popping out the bottom of the shirt. I would do that regardless. That's true. That's true. They might blend right in. I think I would find that's true that's true that's they might blend right in i think i'll find that really funny i think that's you know i actually think that's

more of a selling point oh really the downside was the fact that i'd have to work out the logistics of having extra arms as a wizard i think i'd get better at guessing what you would find the taxing or problematic aspect or something yeah no i No, I like the sarcasm. I think that because, I mean, can I tell people, sorry, the arms are just really sarcastic. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's funny.

But there's no turning it off. There's just explaining. Yeah. If anything, that makes a funny sketch just with two arms. That's true. Pretend you're doing a serious story, but you explain to the audience, I'm really sorry, but my arms are very sarcastic and then you try and tell a really

really personal tale yeah okay so you want the sarcastic Goro arms yeah thank you I shall bestow upon you the Goro arms of sarcasm Goro arms of sarcasm oh yeah careful how you say that oh yeah and there's the miss yeah let's not go into other uses of these arms uh yeah no that's really cool that's nice um i can't believe i

didn't think of just doing that for myself because, get this, I'm a wizard. No. I know. Likewise. I didn't believe you. Surprised you didn't pick up on it earlier. I know. I'm wearing a pointy hat.

That's true. And I've been meaning to bring that up. Like, it's, I feel like as a wizard, I thought it was just hugely insensitive. Like, you're mocking my culture. Oh, yeah. As a, you're like. The mocking my culture. Oh, yeah. As you're like. The cultural appropriation. Yeah, yeah.

You look like Merlin from Sword in the Stone. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. The Disney animated. I've got a beard and everything. You do. Well, you know, you never know when's the right time to bring this up.

Well, everyone changed over lockdown, didn't they? I haven't seen Beck in a while. Yeah. Maybe she's doing a beard. No, that's fair. Maybe she's doing a bit. I mean, it's always. Always. Yeah. It Beck in a while. Maybe she's doing a bit. No, that's fair. Maybe she's doing a bit. I mean, it's always a possibility. So you could have gorged yourself a long time ago is what you're trying to say.

Yeah, and I didn't, and that was silly of me. I'm glad that you came in. But I thought in return to thank you for this gift. You took with open arms. Thank you. Thank you. Took with open arms. Thank you.

Thank you. When we were driving in to, can I say your location? You may, yes. Yeah, when we were driving into Godaming. It's a matter of public record. I live in a small town. I drove you into Godaming. And you drove me into Godaming. It was a bus replacement service otherwise.

And I was like, I don't think you. Welcome back. I will have a personalized pickup service. When we were coming in, I noticed that there was signs for helipads and stuff. And you mentioned that you've seen quite a few helipads around here. And, you know, my theory is there's some nice places around here. Maybe there's like, you know, millionaires who get less to do golf. You know the the really

responsible way spending your money and i thought that actually maybe you would find it useful to have a helicopter oh you got one of those it's like the tesla of helicopters you know it's it's uh pretty uh but you know what let's go even even better. I'm a wizard. Why not? It is like completely carbon neutral. Oh, it's like a battery electric helicopter. It takes the carbon out of the air. Oh, wow. It runs by absorbing carbon. Oh, my goodness.

That's exciting. Carbon dioxide. Because that's a real challenge because batteries are so heavy. Having some kind of electric aircraft, big problem. So that's amazing. I know that as well. You could have solved this the whole time. Yeah, wow.

I did know that. And it's like, you know, you can learn to fly it if you want or it has like an autopilot thing. Enhanced autopilot. Yeah, exactly. It's doing all that. Yep. I'm in.

Yeah, it's changing the atmosphere to output clean air. If anything, I'd feel guilty not flying around in it. Right, exactly. And if it's got advanced autopilot, I can just leave it running. Yeah. If I'm not going anywhere, it can just hover above my house. Well, the thing is. Oh, what?

You might want to hold off from doing that all the time. I don't know. I can't see any downsides. Because for every 10 minutes that it's running. Every 10 minutes, right, that it's flying. It decapitates a bird. Right. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Now. Wherever you go, there's like. A couple questions here. Is it decapitating the birds using its own blades or is there like a set is like carbon offsetting there's a separate bird decapitation factory you're like sorry bird matt just pop down

the shops oh yeah no no no it's like the birds fly into the propellers okay okay and there's no way around it anything that you try i mean i'm a wizard and i haven't found a way around it so it just kind of draws in birds. Yeah, they get like sucked into the air flow or whatever. On average one, is it like every ten minutes? Every ten minutes. Or is it like on average it's about six an hour? No, it's every ten minutes. Boom.

It's more like on average once every ten minutes. Well, okay. So I can't like do all nine minute journeys and just like slide under there. No, no, no. We, I did some filming with bees, right? Yeah. They were really struggling to hold the camera.

They were. The bee unit was terrible. Hey! Do you make that joke in the video? No, but everyone behind the scenes got sick of me saying, have we got enough B-roll yet? Nice. Good times. Yeah. We had a drone. Of yet? Nice. Good times. Yeah.

We had a drone. Of course you did. For filming. Yeah. Not a B-drone. Decapitated the bees. Oh, my God. So the drone, we got it out too soon.

And it turns out the bees did not appreciate a giant buzzing thing. No kidding. However, in B-v-drone, drone wins the vast majority of the time and so we flew the drone and bees went for it but then they just get oh man mashed in the oh this is awful it's a terrible i felt terrible i can't believe that this something such a similar situation happened i'm like i already have a calibration point for how I would feel when that happens. If you told me that story earlier, I would absolutely not have pitched this. It's too soon.

It's too soon. No, it's okay. So anyway, that was a bit traumatic. Yeah, I bet you had to get rid of the drone pretty quick. We got rid of the drone pretty quick. I felt bad. You should. Because someone had lent us their bees.

Maybe that's why the bees are disappearing. And we blended them. Too many bloody content creators going around. Getting drone shots. I felt pretty bad. Now, I don't know how you scale up. Is this empathy or am I just guilt? From a bee to a bird.

I don't know if it's the length or the surface area or the volume that gilt scales with. But even if it's merely length, I would feel pretty bad with six birds an hour going into my... And I don't think it could be taking out enough carbon from the air that there's a net environmental gain. I don't think it's going to solve global warming sufficiently such that birds more birds survive what if the birds are pigeons or seagulls i'll see now i don't want to be uh no even i still feel bad i still feel bad yeah even even the worst birds yeah i'm not saying they're the worst birds i'm just saying they're the worst birds. I'm just saying they're probably the ones that- You heavily implied that. In some areas, maybe there's too many birds. They're pests.

And I'm a bird lover. I bloody love a bird. So even if it's culling surplus birds, like even if I'm like, okay, but can I hire it out to like a chicken, what's a chicken abattoir? Like places where, i'm just saying there are places where and you know me i don't even eat chicken right that's even worse i know but i can't even think of a matt you're coming off real bad matt killer of bees and happy to hire out no you're right i don't want to i'm not saying I want to enable the machinery of suffering that is the chicken industry. In some areas, pigeons and seagulls are like rabbits in Australia.

You know, like they are actually diminishing what is part of the ecosystem. Exactly. They were introduced species. But no, you're like, hey, why not give this equipment to bird murderers? Birders. I don't want to be in bed with birders. Guess what? You are one. It's so easy. You know what? I'm using my wizarding to just put you in jail. No, no, no.

You can't hurt anyone. We all know the wizard rules. You're going to, I'm going to have to confiscate your hat. If you carry on like that. I'm not, no, I can't do it. I'm going to have to. Thank you.

I love the electric. I think you can't do it purely because it will turn you evil. Exactly. It's a slippery slope. It's like the ring for Frodo. It is like the ring. But when you start doing it, you're like, oh, I can do this to kill Jesus. I use it once or twice.

And then when a seagull nicks my ice cream, I'm like, just you wait, seagull. Yeah. Come back with my bird murdering helicopter. Thank you. To a proper episode. To a squared law. Yeah. Anyway, so thanks, but no thanks that's good that was a test and you passed just yes i am a wizard i am a wizard i am a wizard

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