All Fantasy Everything - Childhood Crushes (w/ Blair Socci, David Gborie & Sean Jordan)
Episode Date: January 16, 2020Join Ian as he takes a journey back in time to reveal his childhood crushes with Blair Socci, David Gborie, and Sean Jordan! Are there some curve balls? You get your little butt there are som...e curve balls! The whole crew gets weird in the best way! Episode Guest:Blair Socci @blairsocci IG: @blairsocciSupport the show!Sponsors:TodayTix: Go to todaytix.com/fantasy and use promo code FANTASY to get ten-dollars off your first purchase.hims: Get your first month free. Go to forhims.com/allfantasy.Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for exclusive mailbag and movie watch-a-long episodes. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.Rate All Fantasy Everything 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Decide the winner on the All Fantasy Everything Twitter poll @AllFantasyPodMerch!T-Shirts! Sweaters! Stickers! Mugs! Deck yourself out in some goods at www.teepublic.com/user/allfantasyeverythingFollow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmelSean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordanDavid Gborie @Thegissilent IG: @Coolguyjokes87Mars Mel @MarsMel IG: @Mars.MelShow Email: allfantasypodcast@gmail.comSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
Transcript
Discussion (0)
This is a HeadGum Podcast.
Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything,
the podcast that is currently debating bar rooms, spectacles, and entertainments, delights.
Delights.
Fancies.
Yeah.
Blair, you can talk whenever, by the way.
This isn't one of those like.
Oh, great.
You have to wait for us to introduce you.
Hey, what's up
so david in his townhouse in the valley yes not only has he recently purchased a puzzle which
frequent listeners or uh followers of your ig will be that puzzle is fucking me up man what is it
it's chinkaterra it's like the uh multi-coast in italy yeah it's something like that i don't i
just pulled the what made you get into that? I remember doing them
as a kid and liking them and then I
just like, man, you know, I'm just
in there pretty stoned.
Yeah. A lot.
You're like an artist's way ass bitch
right now with these puzzles.
Yeah, so now it's become a lifestyle.
You know, Mike Molloy
comes over in the morning, we work out, we eat breakfast.
They're on the bikes today. They're on the bikes today and then, you know, puzzleulloy comes over in the morning we work out we eat breakfast they were on the bikes today they're on the bikes today and then you know puzzle it's it's you just got to stay
motivated 24 7 yeah i play my i play my game i don't play theirs keep your brain occupied
but yeah i got the puzzle cracking and then i just got a dartboard ordered a dartboard
yeah i don't like darts. Really?
I don't like any barroom game.
Kid, that's not what I...
Foosball?
I don't like pool?
Man, this guy,
before we were recording,
all smiles.
Yeah.
I'm still smiling.
Turt puts it on wax.
He comes right for my head.
I'm just letting you know.
I like that you like darts.
I like being places
where other people are playing darts.
But when it's time for me
to go up there,
you're just like,
I'm not good at this.
You don't like foosball?
Not really, no. I am so good at foosball i like a foos yeah i like a ping pong are you a good fooser i think so because you said i like a foos so it makes me feel like you know
how to because people don't know we had a table growing up you can't do the spin no spins yeah
there's an art to it yeah you. You got to set shots. Right.
You got to pass.
It's like someone who just mash buttons on Street Fighters. Yes.
Exactly.
Control.
That's what I know because Blair's an athlete.
My art to it is Philip Glass.
I don't participate at all.
It's silent.
I'm just not good at it.
I'm like, I'm happy that other people are having a good time.
But when you get me up there, I immediately am having less fun.
That's me.
We played at Varsity, I think, one time you yeah and we just did no foosball did terrible
it was fun though we were playing with oh the bad story anyway we're playing with somebody that we
wanted to chill with nice and uh ended up we both were terrible at it but it was fun i had a good
time on this new show i did we played human-sized foosball That was fun. That's just soccer though. We know we hooked up.
Wait,
um,
like,
uh,
Oh,
I see that on Instagram.
You're connected to the dudes.
They're connected.
And you have to like turn these huge wheels to make them kick and stuff.
Oh,
that looks cool.
I can't picture it in my head.
It's really fun.
It sounds cool.
I'll find,
I'll find a picture.
Yeah. It's sort of an abomination.
If you're a peer,
something to that effect at thunder road in Sioux Falls, South Dakota,
where you just kind of hold on to a pole that's strung across like a basketball court,
and then you play life-size foosball.
Pretty much soccer where you stand still.
Wait, you hold on to the pole, and then?
It's like soccer where you stand still.
Oh.
Everyone kind of stays in their spot.
But you can move laterally.
Someone's moving you like a puppet.
Yeah.
No, you're in control.
Okay.
Wait, so you don't like, but you do like games.
Yeah, I like a board game.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because I also got Scrabble and Uno coming.
Now that I'm into.
I'm seeing.
Those are good choices because I famously don't love a game night.
I don't know if you've ever dated someone whose friend group that you get into like already does game nights.
No, never once in a while.
That happened to me and I was like, oh no.
Because it's not like, oh, it just feels really, like I'm, I don't like when I feel forced to do anything.
I'm like a naturally rebellious person.
So when I have to do that i'm just like
oh jesus fucking christ you know what i mean like oh i gotta learn all these rules and then if i let
down the team i mean there's so much pressure wait you're playing i'm not i don't can't i can't play
those board games that are like like that like i can't play like settlers of katan yeah that's
the shit i'm talking about yeah Yeah, I can't do that.
But I can do Scrabble.
I like it.
I love Scrabble.
Scrabble is a one-on-one game of the mind.
Yeah.
Uno is good too.
They call it the game of kings.
They sure do.
A lot of people have called it that.
They sure do call it that.
I like, yeah, I can't do Settlers of Catan.
I can't do two strategy but like i just need
something where i can be kind of competitive or you have some agency like a lot of those
fucking board games it has nothing it's just about like rolling it's all left up to fate it's just
all luck yeah right i like when i think i don't know i like games i do escape rooms and shit i
think it's all fun you do do escape escape. You're the most escape room do-
Really?
Yeah, I like it all.
I've never done one.
He does escape rooms where you do it in a hotel room.
I thought escape rooms were for sober people.
We're sober.
We're sober when we do it.
I wish you guys could see Sean readjust himself.
You're sober when you're in Portland.
What do you mean?
What do you mean?
No.
I'm hammered when I do it.
I'm what they call Oregon sober.
It would be horrible to do one drunk.
You'd get pissed immediately because you wouldn't.
I wouldn't give a shit.
If I was drunk, I'd be like, well, this is stupid.
Why am I here?
Did you start at like an easy level?
I just kind of, my Laura, my fiance is super into him.
So I just kind of started doing them.
And no, there's not, there isn't really an easy level.
You just kind of do them.
So then you get, do you, you get better at it?
You figure shit out.
Like was the first one where you're like,
I have no fucking chance of escaping?
I was just standing there looking around.
Oh yeah.
But they're fun.
I mean, honestly, just the room,
it's like going into a museum sometimes.
Like, so, you know, whatever the theme is,
it's a whole room set up like that.
Wait, they have themes?
Yeah, like arcade or
Wild West or whatever.
Are those two of the themes you've done or are you just
giving some? Those are two that I've done.
Maybe I should do one. They're fun.
I've done one in LA.
I like the idea of being forced to be trapped.
Yeah. It is a weird one.
Just paying to be trapped.
I don't love windowless places.
Is it windowless?
I assume.
Yeah.
Because you're in like a room in a building, you know?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Is it, are you with strangers?
No.
Well, sometimes you can be.
That would be, that's ridiculous.
Yeah.
That doesn't sound fun at all.
Is there ever like, I don't know how to candy coat this.
Is there ever like a.
So I'll candy coat it.
All right. Is there ever like a candy coat? All right.
Is there ever like a stupid person who brings everybody down?
You know,
like,
cause I also am scared to be a Mac guy.
A lot of times that's me where I'm just like, I don't,
I didn't help at all.
We're not a fucking read.
Like,
is it like long division escape rooms?
Is that a thing?
They just find something easy.
Sean,
we found a clue.
Read this out loud.
No,
I can't. I can't read out loud. No, I can't.
I can't read out loud very well.
I'm sorry. That's how I felt about improv when I tried it. I was like, I don't remember
what happened three minutes ago.
Like, I can't
be responsible for this.
I don't want to let down the team.
Remembering someone's name all the way
through an hour long show.
Someone's fake name. I didn't like improv because it was too silly a lot of the times
i would be like i don't want to be on a spaceship made of nipples that's fucking dumb
yeah i can't run out and just like be that's like with stand-up you can just come out
like hey what's up yeah you don't have to have a certain level
of energy. For other dudes and be like,
hey, we're the, you know, whatever,
Taco Tuesdays or whatever they fucking call it.
I'm like weirdly
beta and polite
in scenarios like that too.
In improv scenarios?
I'd be like, I'm not gonna
step on someone, you know what I mean?
Yeah.
So I guess I'm not going to step on someone. You know what I mean? Yeah. I was like, so I guess I'm not going in.
I was a bully at improv.
Were you?
Were you the guy with the gun all the time?
No, no.
Not in a conceited way, but I was so much better than all the people I was doing it with.
I could see that.
Because this was back in Portland that you're like, this scene is so bad.
And not even in like a, this would be better if I was in it kind of way.
But where you're just like, this is so
this is dragging so hard. I never got to
see you do it. It's so bad. And then you have to
jump in and try to make like a new one. You're trying to plug
the leaks in the ship. Right, exactly.
That's why I got into stand-up
eventually. It was because doing improv
was like so frustrating
because there were a bunch of people who were, it's like a
hobby for them. Which is what it should be for anyone anyone you know but like no i used to think that about comedy
yeah i don't think that anymore get the fuck out of here man i mean improv specifically okay okay
i gotta i gotta keep the lights on man you're fucking i took the classes like after i when i
first started stand-up but i like knew that I wasn't going
to do improv.
I already, I was just doing it cause my legs shook when I was on stage for a while.
No, for standup.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
So I just was doing it to get more comfortable, even though I never knew, I knew I was never
going to do it.
Crazy.
You know?
That's a good, that's a good idea though.
I just did it cause I started getting improv shows in the beginning.
Oh really?
Yeah.
I just like I would go to this fuck around improv because it was BYOB.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
And then I would start getting improv shows.
And then I was like, wait, I don't even think this is cool.
It would suck to have to depend on four or five people like to have a show for like every show.
Yeah, exactly. There's so much like coordinating and
shit yeah it's like a band to rehearse too yeah it's like a band all the problems that come with
being in a band except you don't have any work to show for it it's like it's like starting over
every fucking time yeah like you can't even play the drums. Yeah. There's no recording.
Respect to the people who love it, but man, it is.
Once we found stand-up, it was like, oh, oh.
Oy, oy, oy.
It is like a band without their show for it.
Also, you're not in a band.
But you still have to pick a name, but the name can't be as cool.
You still got a dumb t-shirt, though.
You're trying to sell.
You have to pick a name that will humiliate you until your dying day.
Jim, it's not a good name. My own private improv. pick a name that will humiliate you until your dying day.
Jimmys, not good names. My own private
improv. Is that what it was called?
It was one of them. There was another group called
Kick the Squirrel. I wasn't in it, but it was
one of them. You know, improv team
names are bad because they all sound
like ska bands. Yeah, exactly.
Like Spaceship Clit or something.
Barbershot quartet.
No, that's not one.
My stocks are up.
Your stocks are up?
Yeah.
You're invested heavily in the military industrial complex, right?
Listen.
Bullion.
I'll talk about it off air, but I got some stocks.
You know?
Yeah, sure.
I'm trying to spread it around.
You're in the aerospace industry.
Oh, bullion cubes. Yes, I do. Yeah, you know? Yeah, sure. I'm trying to spread it around. You're in the aerospace industry. Oh, bullion cubes.
Yes, I do.
Yeah, you're big on soup.
I'm bitten heavily on soup futures.
I wouldn't say my assets are liquid,
but they could be.
If you were to heat them up a little bit.
Just a small amount of heat.
Yeah.
My assets are bone broth based.
So, you know,
whatever you think about that.
It's that kind of podcast, ultimately.
Yeah, it's that kind of podcast.
We are joined here today by Sean S. Jordan on Twitter.
Sean Cougar, Mel and Jordan on the gram.
A lot of those.
Seen a lot of those.
A lot of those.
Seen a lot of those.
What do you got to bro it?
I feel like there's something.
I'll be at Snow Jam.
Yes, sir.
In Sioux Falls, South Dakota.
Sioux Falls, South, Screw Falls.
January 25th.
And then also by the buck starts here.
There it is.
What bar are you going to be at at SnowJet?
Man, you got to know that, bro.
It's the, if you go to-
It's like Holocaust brewing.
It's like something crazy, right?
Something very aggressive.
It's my zookeeper, the zookeeper's wife brewing.
There it is.
Revolter, revelry or something brewing.
It's the brewery in Sioux Falls that's doing the show.
Not a big place. It's not a big city.
Do you guys have a lot of breweries?
Do you guys have a lot of breweries?
Do you guys have a lot of breweries?
They're getting more.
I want to have a brewery in a Carmel there one of these days.
The picture that they're using of you on this website
is so disrespectful.
I don't look good?
It's just like a weird crop.
That's horrible.
It looks like a Shutterstock photo
of a divorced dad.
60% of your face.
You're handsome.
I look like I just looked at a waiter
and was like, I ain't paying for it.
Do something about it.
I was like, what's up?
Can't see anything else
in my body. Whose idea was that?
I don't know.
My friend, you were at Remedy Brewing.
We were way off. It's not antagonistic.
No, it's Remedy. It's the opposite.
It's the cure. The Remedy.
Yeah, Remedy Brewing on the 25th.
I'm going to go there for a few days before, hang out
with mom. So yeah,
catch him at his mom's house.
It's going to be great. You can just see me at Tommy Jack's maybe. Catch him at his mom's house it's gonna be great you just see me at tommy jack's maybe catch him with tommy jack or at
the movie theater with my mom be nice be nice yeah he's gonna be singing dark waters with his
mom in the movie theaters does your mom do karaoke no okay uh-uh she uh shouldn't do much right now
chilling no i mean in general no she no she doesn't do much right now. She's chilling. No, I mean in general.
No, she doesn't do anything.
She chills.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah.
Bring it way down.
Yeah.
Way down.
Good talk. Way down.
You listen to the night shift here on All Fantasy Everything.
David Borey, also in the crib.
I'm almost in the studio again.
Hey.
Studio.
Studio.
Coolguyjokes97 on Instagram.
The G is silent on Twitter.
That's all me.
What do you got to promote?
I'm doing a lot of work on me right now.
Sure.
So.
That's wonderful.
Puzzles, darts.
Puzzles, darts.
I got some stocks.
Uno.
Uno.
Uno. Scrabble. You know. Your Scrabble You know
Yeah come to Faded on Friday
Come to Faded on Fridays
No nothing else
What?
I'm trying to
No there's nothing else
Some shows around LA That I'll put on Instagram Fall apart dude that I can, I'm trying to, I don't know. There's nothing else.
Some shows around LA that I'll put on Instagram.
It's falling apart, dude.
Yeah.
It's falling apart.
Woof.
He's got puzzle brain.
He's got puzzle brain.
He's got puzzle brain.
Could have been the best promo ever.
Yeah, no, you know, I do got puzzle brain.
It's in there.
Yeah.
It's got me.
Those new balances are beautiful, though.
Thank you, man. And they go with the too short shirt. Yeah. I said that rightuzzle Brain. It's in there. Yeah. It's got me. Those new balances are beautiful, though. Thank you very much. And they go with the Too Short shirt.
Yeah.
I said that right.
Holy shit.
Life is too short.
I'm wearing a shirt with a wrapper on it.
Surprise.
What's popping?
Who to thunk it.
Cool.
So just like he's chilling, but keep a lookout.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Friday's coming to Faded, though.
And, you know, listen to all the fantasy, everything.
Watch the Late Late Show with James Corden. Right right right run back uh the old uh comedy central special
it's on their app yeah watch yeah yeah if you can figure out how to watch it watch my half hour i
fucking dare you silly silly network we heard your voice on uh the nfl playoffs last night or
no after the golden globes that's i heard somebody said that after aquafina won a golden globe it was like her show something in queens yeah aquafina uh aquafina is nora from
i'm not gonna say it like yeah don't fucking don't don't do that to me what was it what was
the name of the show i didn't want you aquafina is nora from now i want to say it weird aquafina
is nora from queens yeah dude we heard it or the show's called nora from
queens yeah this was hard for me guys heavy as the head this was a this was a rough round
player sochi is also in the fortress of solid news today wait is it sochi or sake it's sake
yeah holy shit i've been saying this wrong leave it in in, Marissa. Leave it in. Nobody I know knows how to pronounce it. Leave my embarrassment in there.
Well, I don't know it forever.
I only know because Jordan Temple said Saki.
And then just Jordan seems like he says everybody's name right.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Yeah, I don't really mind.
So I don't make it a big thing.
Phonetically, I feel like people are right.
I would like to pronounce your name correctly.
And I'm glad to have been corrected.
Blair Saki is here.
At Blair Saki on Twitter. That's
S-O-C-C-I. Yes.
And Blair's B-L-A-I-R.
Yeah.
Is it the same on Instagram? Yes.
Blair Saki cross-platform.
Yes, thank you.
I just want to say that I
had no fucking clue that your Twitter name was the G inside.
Nobody knows.
Did you think it was the Gisela?
Everybody thinks it's the Gisela.
I always wondered what that was from.
And one day I thought, you know, the roads will cross and I will
ask him and I will be so
informed and now that
day is here.
No, I get that a lot. Trust me. I understand.
Wow. It does sound like a Dark Crystal
character. Stunning.
I've had people be like, why is your Twitter
jizz?
I'm like, this is like his
seventh grade like AIM name or something. Yeah, jizz this is like his seventh grade like AIM
name or something
I'm like a jizz assailant
that was my tagger name
and the pity of all that is
the G silent is such a dope
name I thought it was very clever
because the G in your name is silent
G's moving silence like lasagna
I didn't think about that there were no spaces.
It's fantastic, though.
And also, people think it's the Gisland is even better.
Yeah.
It's the whipped cream and the cherry on top.
We'll try fasted it.
Yeah.
Shout out to the Gisland Nation.
Blair Saki, what do you got coming up?
Oh, when is this coming out?
This will come out.
I don't know.
Not this Thursday.
The following Thursday.
Oh, okay.
I'm going to be headlining Dead Crow Comedy Club,
the 17th and 18th,
if anyone is around and wants to come there.
That's in North Carolina, right?
Yeah, North Carolina.
And then I have on the Boy and Greta show
every Tuesday in LA at Gingy's Cohen.
Beautiful.
Oh yeah, I've done that show.
It's really fun.
Yeah.
Last time I was there,
I ate too much of that spicy mustard.
Oh, been there, sister.
Existential crisis. I was with you. Yeah, you were with me. You go try the mustard, it's real spicy. And I ate too much of that spicy mustard. Oh, been there. I was with you.
Yeah.
You go try the mustard to throw spicy.
And I go,
give me that fucking thing.
And it was spicy.
I like a spicy mustard.
That's exactly what I did.
A soul cocky chest out.
And I was like,
Oh really?
Okay.
Take the whole fucking thing.
Cardiac arrest.
Full cry.
Every fluid coming out of my body.
It's a full purge. Couldn't even believe.
I just saw like memories dripping out
of my nose. Absolutely.
I really got told
something. Yeah.
Because these other places are like watering
down the mustard. So you'll get like a mustard from a Chinese
place and you're like, that's not so spicy.
Genghis Khan has that 1970s
heat. Yeah yeah I like it
I want it to be spicy like when they
make it in their country yeah it's spicy
I don't know why that felt racist
they say like hey this is like for real
spicy
make it like you make it over there
don't make it like it's here
I don't know why that felt racist
it felt really racist
yeah to say it.
It's not racist.
If you get into it.
It just had a racist feel.
It felt like, when you say their country, it's like everybody's like, okay.
It's a rough combination of words.
Yeah.
I'm not saying go back to your country, though.
I'm saying go back there and get some mustard.
Yeah.
And then come back to our country.
And then roll through.
And make it great again.
With these pastrami egg rolls. Yeah. So that's on Tuesdays. Yeah. And Genghis Khan with the hot mustard. back there and get some mustard and then come back to our country and make it great again.
So that's on Tuesdays. And Genghis Khan with a hot mustard.
Dead Crow Comedy.
What city in North Carolina is that again?
Wilmington. Wilmington, North Carolina.
I know everything. I think Michael Jordan is from
there. Is he really? Yeah. Michael Jordan.
Oh. Wow.
So I am Ian Carmel. At Ian Carmel on
Twitter. Anything else to plug? Even if it's far off. No. That, wow. So I am Ian Carmel, at Ian Carmel on Twitter, at Ian Carmel. Anything else to plug?
Even if it's far off.
Oh, no, that's good.
Yeah, thank you.
Ian Carmel on Instagram.
Ian Carmel on Jewish
J-Date, which I'll need to get
on soon, which is an even more Jewish version of J-Date.
Which is not J, it's just
Gentile date. Gentile, it's a date.
It's a joke, yeah. I just do a different
Jewish app in every
episode. I was going to say you should be on Jewish Robinhood.
Ooh, Jewish Robinhood. Yeah.
That's just the regular stock market, my friend.
Hey, whoa.
Whoa.
We got a Jewish comedian over here. I'm not touching it.
It's one of our weirder
recurring bets, but it is.
Wait till we get to another one that's not going to make any sense
what do you got coming up?
thank you for asking, watch the Late Late Show with James Corden
keep an eye out for the show Game On
on CBS starring Venus Williams, Rob Gronkowski
and Jerboi
I've done scene to taping, it's dank
yeah, it was fun, we played human foosball
I got all greased up
and turned into human bowling ball
they greased you up? they greased me up good dude what kind of great demi lovato and venus williams
man weird experience i think we're getting we're getting into my list i think she's so
sexy demi lovato yeah yeah yeah you're right you're correct yeah she just has like her vibe
no yeah it's like yeah she's fucking cool too.
Also, she greased you up.
She greased me up with a mop.
What the fuck is going on?
It could be a broadcast.
I'm telling you, we have this human bowling ball.
I can't say too much, but like if you're going to be a human bowling ball, you have to get greased up a little bit.
It's crazy.
I had a dream one time that Demi Lovato and Serena Williams were greasing you up.
Venus Williams, my friend.
Well, mine was Serena.
Okay, my bad.
I didn't miss it.
No, that was the whole thing.
And then I can't go into the rest of the grease.
Yeah, I can't go into the rest.
CBS won't let me.
Keep an eye out for that.
Sean Jordan and I will be at the Comedy on State in Madison, Wisconsin.
Valentine's Day weekend.
Having a little Palentine's Day weekend.
Catch him at Buster McTwitty's.
What's that podcast?
HR Teddy Wedges.
There's a restaurant in Madison called
HR Teddy Wedges.
I like that.
That's the best club in the universe.
I love it so much.
I pretty much quit stand-up, but I'm coming back out just to do Madison.
Oh, my God.
What a dream.
I barely do it anymore.
It's amazing.
You're so good at stand-up.
Oh, thank you.
I love watching you do stand-up.
That's so nice.
I love watching you do stand-up.
Oh, thank you.
Well, I'm going to start again.
That's all I needed.
Get back in.
I'm back in.
I've always said it. Huh? I've always said that same thing. You're like a freak. I tell him again. That's all I needed. Get back in. I'm back in. I've always said it.
Huh?
I've always said that same thing.
You're like a freak.
I tell him that.
He's like, for real.
Right in your eyes when he said that to you.
Because he's like, I don't have any jokes.
And I'm like, you'll fucking think of him on the plane or something, I bet.
Yeah, I know.
I'll get pissed about it, but I'll love it because it's my brother doing it.
There's some people it seems so fucking easy for.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, Sinbad.
Sinbad's one of the funniest comedians never bombed before in my life yeah he said he's never bombed one time all i'm saying i might believe it find somebody who's seen simbad bomb yeah i saw him twice in a row
completely different sets. Different shirts?
No, same night.
Oh.
So completely.
Man, when somebody does two different sets.
Completely different. Two different, completely easy.
I'm always like, well, maybe I should start writing stuff down.
They asked him when he wanted the light.
And he's like, I don't know whenever you want me done.
So he just let the staff, as soon as they light him, he did five.
And it was perfect.
And then got off. Wait, you don't write anything down no god i write every
i spend hours writing i'm not very smart so i can't read my handwriting and then i just would
always lose my type at all i'm psycho are you really i did see i was a writer before i start
comedy oh yeah yeah i did see your hour about food.
You did type it all.
Yeah.
That was crazy.
When I saw that, too, I was like, I could never.
That's why stand-up is so, it's difficult for me to do an hour
because I have to, like, before I do it, I have to have, like,
a road that I'm going to go on.
But then sometimes I'll be over here, and it'll be, like,
30 minutes in, and then i don't know how
to get over here so then i have to it's like fucked up i should just write it down that was
such a so gnarly for me though because like i am so word specific in the way that i tell jokes and
like i like the way certain things sound like your stand-up is so nice it is it's like even like
when you did that food hour
even like I was in there for a little bit in
the in the green room for a little bit
and I was like I was telling
my friend my friend Zeke little freak Zeke
yeah I was just like it just sounds funny
oh thank you like even when we
were out there little
freak Zeke no we are gathering today
not only to talk about darts although we
could go on crickets is a gentleman's game.
The gentleman's game.
We are gathering also to draft childhood crushes.
Uh-huh.
Hell yeah.
We didn't have any stipulations, right?
We're just kind of playing jazz.
What stipulations?
Were you a child?
Did you have a crush on him?
Hey, there we go.
That's all we need to bang out, right?
Yeah.
We were children at similar but slightly different.
I'm the oldest person in this room for sure.
It's going to be all different flavors.
I'm excited.
This is a really good one.
I'm pretty excited.
I'm glad you picked it.
I guarantee David and I share one.
I guarantee it.
I think there is one.
I guarantee it.
When I wrote it down, I was like, I could see this being shot.
We might share a couple.
I was really I could see this being a shock. We might share a couple. I was really surprised
when people with
voices who make them more attractive
wasn't chosen but I was
I was
also really thrilled
about this one too.
It was shocking but
Now we got the next one.
The next time you're on.
Yeah, you can do that next time you're on.
We'll save it.
The voices one I did.
I'm like.
A kid over Christmas was at my parents' house.
This kid named Caden.
And he goes.
Oh, he sounds like a real bummer.
And he goes, are you Blair?
And I go, yes. And he goes, my sister told? And I go, yes.
And he goes, my sister told me I would know it was you because you sound like a rug rat.
I was so shocked.
Yeah, Caden is pretty.
This kid just fucking leveled me.
Yeah.
Yeah. In your parents' leveled me. Yeah.
In your parents' home.
Damn.
Yeah.
Like, you came in.
That's some real Caden-esque behavior.
You were supposed to be safe in there.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Now, the way we determine the order of said draft is through a rollicking game of rock,
paper, scissors.
I'm shooting.
Play between the three of you.
We throw on shoot.
Don't damage the goods.
We throw on shoot.
So here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. David wins. Oh between the three of you. We throw on shoot. Don't damage the goods. We throw on shoot. So here we go.
Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.
David wins.
You're a stupid.
You always win.
Shooting up.
I shot on two on accident.
I saw it.
Yeah.
I love it.
That happens.
That happens.
Rookie shooter.
I think it's fun because whose brain works fast enough that on the second to the last one, they're like, scissors, rock.
You know what I mean?
Nobody's brain.
If their brain goes that quick, God bless them.
And then you have to coordinate your hand to your brain speed.
Right.
And that's not happening.
Oh, my God.
Not unless you're, you know, doing those fucking, like you're a hand drive.
And not unless you're playing darts.
You're up on darts.
Up on darts and puzzles.
You've been training for this specifically.
I floated dart through the, it's masterpiece does it you gotta get with my buddy
louis that guy he's a dartsman yeah let's do it does he play 501 he'll play whatever he'll probably
play some british version he stands very fancy have you seen one last diversion before we get
into it in england they have these massive dart like tournaments and the, the dart guys who are
all, they look like me, but bald and way more bad teeth.
And they all like come out to like entrance music.
It's crazy.
Some of them, some of them wear costumes.
Like it's wrestling.
What do you think I'm setting up at my house?
Okay.
All right.
Underground European darts.
So you're going to come in and living in America is going to play.
And I'm just going to come down the stairs dressed
like Apollo Creed. I feel good.
I told you David.
I don't want to play darts.
Doesn't matter. You're here
and we play darts. David, as
the winner of Rock Paper Scissors is coming upon you
to determine the order of today's draft. What will
that order be? I think I'm going to zig
zag. Wow.
So I think it's gonna go david blair sean e
hot corner okay uh now i forgot to tell blair this is your first time on all fantasy everything so i
uh i do need to tell you it is a serpentine draft and what is that that's a great question uh well
let's say that you are let's say that you're shopping, right? And there's shops on both sides of the street and you want like a t-shirt. So you're
on the left side of the street. You stop in a place, doesn't have the shirt you want. And you
see a place across the street that might have that shirt. But before you go over there, you kind of
keep walking on the left side of the street, stop at another shop, doesn't have it. So you go to the
right side of the street, look for a t-shirt. They don't have it in this particular shop.
So then you keep going down the right side of the street a little bit,
go in another shop. They actually have the shirt. So you're like, tight, I'm going to buy the shirt.
Then you want some socks. So you look back across on the left side of the street and you're like,
that shop might have some socks in it that I want. So you go over there and you look in the shop and it doesn't have any socks. So you kind of stay on the left side of the street, go down to another
shop. They have the socks. Now you're looking for shoes. So you just kind
of ping back and forth down that whole street until you're ready to go to David's underground
European dart ring. Okay. That's what I call my butt. David's European dart ring.
Basically what it means is you pick fourth in the first round. Like I will be, you pick first
in the second round. So it's serpentine. Oh, so don fourth in the first round. Like I will be, you pick first in the second round.
So it's serpentine.
Oh,
so don't pick your first choice.
No,
do pick your first choice.
Definitely pick your first choice of the first round,
but like the order of the picks.
So it goes,
it'll go,
it'll go me,
you,
Sean,
Ian,
Ian's.
That's the first round.
And then the second round will be Ian,
Sean,
you,
me.
Okay.
Yeah.
So basically what Sean just tried to do.
Serpentine.
Which means, David, you are on the clock for your first pick right now.
And we'll get to it right after this short break.
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could save that's policygenius.com and we're back welcome back to all fantasy everything david
borer you are on the clock with your first pick in the childhood crushes draft and that pick will be all right i'm just gotta say it i'm picking aunt viv number one whoa
if it's number one yeah cool i just man when that episode when she was dancing do you guys
remember that no no i'm sure i do when she got back into dancing. I do. I remember.
I do.
It relates to my pick.
Oh, interesting.
Okay.
All right, man.
She was just very, she was very sexy.
And she liked Uncle Phil.
So you knew she was with the HeBW action.
And she was also so smart.
And she was tough.
Just a moment of appreciation for everyone who writes
for the HeBWs.
We love you.
Shout out to the crew.
Why are you shaking your head
at shock?
I'm kidding.
Jesus.
Sorry.
I'm choosing weird bits today.
I don't know.
This puzzle's got me shook.
It's not a puzzle brain.
I don't mean that.
It's our job as his friends
to support him
when he's in this weird
puzzle brain period.
I've done nothing
but support him.
I've done nothing. Everything you do.
You've been nothing but a
friend to me and I've lashed out.
And I'm
sorry and I'll buy you lunch
after this. Nothing to apologize for.
Anyways, Ant Viv
number one. Yeah.
She's in this like pink...
Oh yeah, are you watching when she hits the this move
i just found some pictures of it yeah oh yeah it's very attractive and she was like she was a lawyer
she was i in the funny thing i hate adviv number two right i think a lot of people feel that way
you can't replace number one she was so i don't want to get into it you know everybody they took
her independence, right?
Didn't they?
Everybody knows that I'm a dark-skinned Aunt Viv truther.
And that's all we need to leave it.
They changed the character, too.
She wasn't like a badass lawyer anymore.
She was like,
Oh, Phillip, where's Dickie?
Yeah.
But anyways, Aunt Viv number one.
That wasn't as weird
as I thought it was
not weird at all
no
I got way weirder
on here
I'm sure you do
amfib number one
Blair
Socky
Socky
fucking Socky
it's okay
I'll get there
don't worry about it
I'm so sorry
totally fine
Blair Socky
remember Socky it to me baby
Rocky Socky
Blair tell me your first pick
okay I'm going
Will Smith best friend that's fantastic I was just a it to me baby rocky sake uh blaine time for your first pick oh okay i'm going will smith
that's fantastic just a child like a seven-year-old child just wanting to fuck will
i was like this dude has so much swag he's so funny and wacky and cool.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
And it's so funny because no story, nothing can come out against Will Smith to make me lose attraction to him.
I cannot.
I am still two nerds day, still just in love with him as I was then at seven.
And I love that, how in love he him as I was then at seven and and I love that
how in love he is with his life
and I just I love
everything about him I think he's so fucking
cool and hot and they seem like committed to making
it work like you hear all those stories
like they love they have threesomes and they're like
swinging like so what they love each other
also he wrote that song just the two of us
for his son oh yeah do you remember
that yeah that was for his son. Oh, yeah. Do you remember that? Yeah.
That was fucking beautiful. For his oldest son, right?
From a previous marriage.
Was that who it was for?
Yeah, because he said, things didn't work out with me and your mom, but push comes to
shove, you were conceived in love.
Yeah.
That's nice.
So if the world attacks, you can slide off track.
Fresh Prince was such a good show.
I loved Fresh Prince.
It's a perfect television show.
It was so good.
I know every episode within like two minutes,
I know what's going to happen in that episode.
Oh yeah, I forgot you did Jeffrey.
Oh yeah, I did Jeffrey on my show.
Is it streaming anywhere?
No.
You play Jeffrey?
No, I wrote a letter.
I wrote a letter about how much I love Jeffrey.
Oh yeah, Jeffrey was awesome.
Yeah.
If you pay for cable, it's streaming on TBS all the time.
I do pay for cable.
Didn't Jada and Will get
divorced but not really divorced? They just took the term
marriage off of their relationship? Didn't
something like that just happen? I don't know.
We didn't want the pressure of saying we're married. We're obviously
still together. I don't know.
I don't know. They're still
together though. Yeah, they're
still certainly together. I swear I watched an interview with her saying
they didn't want the pressure of the word marriage.
Some.
On her Red Table Talks podcast?
Maybe.
I don't know.
I don't want to talk about it too much,
but I met him once.
Yeah.
That guy smells incredible.
Oh my God, I was so worried for a second.
Oh, no, there was no way.
You were like, that guy smells. And I was like, for a second Oh when the No there was no way You were like That guy
Smells
And I was like
Oh
The clip
Oh
No
He's as charming as
I knew it
I knew it
It's I mean
It'll come out later
How I met him but
Do you feel like
That dude's great
If you asked
Let's just say
He touched my best friend
From high school's
nipple yeah a girl a dude oh billy smith man excellent pick he's fucking funny you know his
name is wilfred it's wilfred i didn't know that bill fred dude that's awesome i didn't know that
yeah it's wilfred or willard it's not it's not william wow hell yeah he's fucking funny man
he's just one of those people you're like all your stories sound like
I like blew him
I know
it's not
these stories are crazy
well the problem is
when someone
like movie stars
have these like
it really does
but
lest we tempt ourselves more
Sean Jordan
time for your first pick
no it's
oh yeah
yeah
yeah right
I forgot my own order
yeah
my first pick i've said it
before it's gonna be the first time the first time remember they have to be from the show fresh
prince of ellen i want you to pick like a deep cut like when he did it he tried to date queen
latifah or something that was awesome yeah that's great don't test me i'm gonna stick with my first
pick but i could i could pick i know you several from fresh prince Prince. I didn't even think about that. I could fill
all of my whole list with people from Fresh Prince.
I did not have a crush on Queen Latifah.
I had a...
We can't keep doing that.
You're right.
Were you going to pick Queen Latifah?
No, but I'm just saying we're picking all these.
We're getting into dangerous stuff.
I'm going to pick...
I was five, I think, or something.
I was a very young child and I saw
this music video
and I was like
I like girls
yeah
it was Tina Turner
and the what's love
got to do with it
hell yeah
when she's walking
she's walking along the fence
like running her fingers
on the fence
she's got denim skirt
oh I just watched the video
two days ago
denim skirt denim jacket
I'm just like
oh my god
this fucking girl
is crazy
what a force
force yeah she's powerful she's the greatest rock and roll front person of all time have you seen denim jacket. I'm just like, oh my god, this fucking girl is crazy.
What a force.
She's powerful. She's the greatest rock and roll front person of all time. I've done the research.
I've crushed the numbers.
Comes out to you to turn her every time.
I think that's true.
Man, that is a good one.
You know what I liked when she was walking down the street?
She walks past those guys playing
the dice game and then she does that like
she goes like this and he goes back and then she does that like she goes like
this and he goes back and then you come forward you oh yeah oh yeah yeah like this thing you're
a jet you're a jet on the way yeah yeah what's that story lane very sexy absolutely yeah and i
i was so young that i'm like i was i didn't even know what i was like what i was thinking i was
like something in me just knows that like I feel better.
Like when I'm,
when I'm just like a cigarette,
check out Tina Turner.
Greatest legs and showbiz.
Like soft pack.
You had to tap it out.
Thank God.
She finally got herself away from that schmuck, Ike.
I'll tell you this much.
She doesn't need him.
She doesn't need him.
Plenty of guys in Hollywood can compose a song.
I don't see Ike out there dancing in chain mail.
And my mom just like, uh-huh, uh-huh.
Oh, man.
Here's the thing.
Once you got her away from that wall of sound thing and
i appreciate what it was you know at the time but it really let her highlight her voice for once for
god's sake private dancer sign me up yep oh yeah that's a great picture easily that was the first
i like that you remember it vividly you caught like a thrill so it's in my mind it's a vivid
memory who knows
I remember it it's an aunt
vivid memory
yeah I remember sitting in Charleston my voice starts
cracking all of a sudden
you're adjusting your shirt
it's fucking hot
Sean got up and put a tie on.
Tighter cross.
I didn't know it could go tighter.
I've had these Boston shorts on for about five days, by the way.
It's kind of life I've been living.
That was the perfect response.
Oh, that was good.
Oh.
Yeah.
Okay.
Dana Turner.
I know I've said this on this podcast, but it might have been 100 episodes ago.
River Deep Mountain High.
Her version of that.
There's like this live version.
It's on Spotify.
Oh, my fucking God.
It's so good.
Her voice, just like the way she like builds it up.
And then by the end, she's like scream singing.
But she's so good at it.
You know what I like?
Wall of Sound song behind it.
I like her in Mad Max.
Beyond the Thunder. Of course. Master. Totally in? I like her in Mad Max. Beyond the Thunderdome.
Master Blast.
This is Bata Town!
It's fucking awesome.
She's got that big fucking
labyrinth ass. It's up Rod Stewart
ass hair. We don't need
another hero.
We don't need another hero.
We don't need another
way home. Take us home, Sean. I don't know the hero We don't need another way home
Take us home, Sean.
I don't know the rest of the lyrics.
Are you fucking kidding?
I'm not.
I would have if I did.
All we want is life beyond the Thunderdome
Then she says,
All the children say
And then the children say it.
The children say it, too.
All right.
Excellent pick, Tina Turner.
Thanks, man.
Love it.
I'd go see her to this day.
I'm going to watch Mad Max when I get home
so I'm going to do the back to back
I'm going to take
the childhood sitcom crushes
and I'm going to take
Winnie Cooper first
shit that is good
gotta take Winnie Cooper first
what's your favorite era of
Winnie Cooper is that a weird question to ask
well what era of Winnie Cooper? Is that a weird question to ask?
Well, what era of Winnie?
It's tricky because she was a little.
She was young the whole time.
Yeah, but he was young. Right, right, right.
Yeah, I'm not trying to be weird.
I'm just saying because, yeah, she goes from a child to a woman.
Did they grow?
Did they get to like 19?
Yeah, they were fucking.
In one of your years?
Oh, yeah, they were.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Vietnam happened and they started fucking.
I was a little younger
So I probably liked
When they were like
In their like
Early teens
Like
So like maybe season two or three
Three
Yeah
And then three four five
Maybe somewhere in that region
Yeah
Winnie Cooper's a great fucking
If I'm being honest
She didn't
I didn't even think about her
But that's
She's a mathematician now
Really
Yeah yeah yeah
Really
Yeah
Like a published mathematician.
Isn't that crazy?
Wow, she was just like, I'm starting a whole new layer.
I'm getting the fuck out.
Isn't that crazy when that happens?
Just a blazing trail.
She graduated from UCLA.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
She was in Sidekicks with Chuck Norris, if you guys remember that one.
She's a published mathematician.
So she wrote a math book?
Percolation and Gibbs states multiplicity
for ferromagnetic Ashken-Teller models.
Yeah, okay, but that's your mixtape.
Percolation and Gibbs is other than too thick.
That was your second choice for a name.
Damn, son.
Is this Percolation and Gibbs states multiplicity
for ferromagnetic Ashken-Teller models?
Flames.
Sure is.
Published in the Journal of Physics.
Damn.
Yeah, man. That's pretty buck. She out here.lished in the Journal of Physics. Damn. Yeah, man.
That's pretty buck.
She out here.
Yeah, she definitely out there.
So what you're saying is Winnie Cooper can do anything.
That's incredible.
Yeah, that's fucking wild.
Math is hard.
Math is so hard.
I hate it.
I hate it.
It's like doing puzzles.
Oh, my God.
It's the same as doing puzzles.
It's a number puzzle.
Oh, my God.
It's just like a big puzzle.
I get all hot My brain feels loud
My brain just doesn't
It just doesn't do it
I get upset that I'm supposed to be forced into one answer
I'm like well
You're bossing me around
With only one finite answer
There's only one
Oh my god
I wonder if that is what it is
I guess creative writing Oh oh yeah i'll say my way
i'm a flat i'm a social studies english kind of guy yeah i don't know what i am skateboard
i don't know what i am i'm a dirtbag in my shorts yeah skateboard knowledge and
backpack rap yeah dude danica mckellar it was just a powerful she also looked like a lot of
like the girls you go to like you'd see it like sunday school you know what i mean like you could
be jewish which was a big attraction for me as a child understandable it's a big attraction for me
as an adult yeah sure yeah we appreciate it as a people yeah danica mckellar and i can't believe i
get to do these back to back fuck you you are You are going to do it. Yeah. That was going to be my second pick.
Of course.
You got the brothers.
You got the brothers girls.
I'm taking Topanga.
Damn it.
Because they were brothers.
Fred Savage and Ben Savage.
Do you understand what I'm doing?
Of course.
You see what he did there?
Topanga Lawrence, which is very weird because she.
That's not very weird.
Everybody was in love with Topanga.
No, everybody was in love.
Even I was.
Yeah.
You had to love Topanga.
It just seemed fun, too.
But the real life Topanga is now married
to Jensen Karp.
Oh, been on our podcast.
Who's that?
He's a round
LA comedy, but more like
He's a writer, right?
He's a writer, produces stuff,
owns that Gallery 88, 1988.
Oh, I don't know what Jensen does.
He does radio.
He used to be a rapper way back in the day.
He has a book called Kanye West Owes Me.
He writes for the ESPYs.
Megan wrote for the ESPYs with him.
Oh, okay.
He's a cool guy.
They got married and then had a kid just this year.
Danielle Fishel, of course, is her real name.
Yeah, dude. got married and then uh had a kid just this year daniel fishel of course is her real name yeah yeah
yeah dude and just like hitting it on the weird hit like that top ponytail where it looked like
the fountain of the americana but like coming out of someone's head and she was like a hippie yeah
yeah but then they kind of changed that at the end like remember when they were kids she was like a
hippie like she would be like sitting in lotus position on a trash can. And then the teen years,
she was just kind of Corey's girlfriend.
Your memory is wild.
You have an incredible memory.
A gift and a curse.
Damn.
Damn it is, huh?
Well, Topanga,
was it Girl Meets World, right?
Did that actually ever
come to fruition?
It was about the kid, though, right? Was she in it as the mom was girl meets world right didn't that that actually ever come to fruition was a kid though
right was her was she in it like as the mom or she wasn't even in it i don't know she also had
a show on diy channel for a while i know that because right after the memory so here's the
curse part yeah because back in the day if you didn't pay if you didn't pay
your dish network
they cut off
all the channels
except for ID
and DIY
really
and she had a show on there
so I'd be watching it
because I didn't pay my
satellite dish bill
in 2008 or whatever
I'd be watching it
I'd be watching
they'd be cutting
my channels off
but like when they leave
I'd be watching
I'd be watching
those are amazing
I can't believe I got them both back to back.
Yeah, that's great.
I was going to pick the second.
That's like one of the better back to backs we've ever had.
That's nice because it's from the heart and the head.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Big crushes on Daniel McKellar and Daniel Fishel.
Official, blow the whistle.
Sean Jordan, time for your second pick.
Damn, that might be the best back to back ever.
I feel pretty good about it.
Fuck. That is pretty...
I'm kind of going in order.
So,
I started watching 90210 when I was very,
very young.
Jenny Garth from 90210.
Kelly.
Kelly, okay.
Did anybody watch 90210 except for me?
No.
I love soap operas. I've loved it.
I love soap operas.
I've loved them since I was a child.
And I was just hooked.
And I was just wildly in love with her.
I wanted to be Dylan.
And I wanted to marry Kelly.
Oh, shout out to Dylan.
His son is a wrestler.
Really?
Yeah.
I didn't know that.
Also, his name was Luke Perry.
I don't know why I said that.
Well, yeah, because Dylan in the show.
Who was the other one?
Luke Perry died this year? Yeah. Yeah. It was R.I.P don't know why I said that. Well, yeah, because Dylan in the show. Who was the other one? Perry died this year?
Yeah.
Yeah.
It was RIP.
Crazy.
Yeah, it is.
He was having such a comeback on Riverdale, too.
Yeah, and then he was in Once Upon a Time for a minute.
Yes, I know.
He really seemed like somebody who was going to live until he was like 90.
He looked amazing.
God.
It comes for us all.
Not me, though.
I'll be fine.
I'll be fine.
I won't.
Jenny Garth, dude.
Yeah, Jenny Garth. Is she a black hair? No, she's blonde. Okay. be fun it'll be fun i won't jenny garth dude yeah jenny i just no blonde okay yeah the black-haired
one was it was the brother and sister yeah yeah okay there was just this like sinister girl yeah
the one like lighting boats on fire and shit yeah she was a california lady kelly had this like vibe
though well brenda she was from the Midwest.
They moved from like Minneapolis or something.
So Kelly had this vibe of like a Southern California,
which growing up in South Dakota, I was just like, that's crazy that there's people like that.
Yeah.
Where go to school.
I mean, it was just barkers to me.
Like just how do they do it?
So crazy.
I mean, it's not that far off.
They were Beverly Hills blonde.
Yeah, right.
I'm uncomfortable again.
I took the tie off.
I'm freaking out.
He's got the nunchucks.
It's always red. I'm Irish. I don't know what that means. It's always red. I'm freaking out your face is all red he's got the nunchucks it's always red
I'm Irish
I don't know what that means
it's always red
I'm Irish
I haven't been
I haven't been
the healthiest boy
for the last four or five days
oh it's okay
anyway yeah
Kelly from 90210
Jenny Garth
did it for me
Jenny Garth
she looks sweeter
than like
the other people on
90210
you looking at a group shot?
Yeah
Was her character like sweeter?
Yeah
She was just
Well her edgy part was she was dating Dylan
Who was like you know didn't give a fuck
Oh he's the bad boy
Was Dylan like
He had his own house
He lived by himself because his parents left when he was like 14
Yeah he was like Sean in Boy Meets World
Oh shit
Sorry
I don't know I don't know what everybody's I don't know what everybody's thing is Yeah, he was like Sean in Boy Meets World. Oh, shit. Sorry.
I don't know.
I don't know what everybody's thing is.
No, I am looking at this cast.
I did like the old one.
Oh, yeah.
Andrea?
I loved the old 90210.
The new one sucked ass. No, I mean the one who was older.
The older purse, I got you.
Yeah.
Yeah.
She had like Ally McBeal glasses on. it's an ally mcfeels over there uh bland time for your second
pick oh um okay mine is uh mark paul gosselaar oh yeah he was on my list damn yeah that that
would be on your list oh my god i was like just absolutely obsessed with him i was like he's yeah
he was so like naughty and bad and um he was look at the shit he did he used to like steal cars and
all that you're like yeah he'd be in prison for a lot of cell phone he sold counterfeit rings to
everybody at school yeah what yeah he made thousands of
dollars selling fake gold class rings to all of his classmates you're like you go to jail you know
fun fact about him indonesian really look it up look it up he was you know blonde men don't age
well um i've said it for years i i've said it for years i i've been yeah i just try so hard to keep all of my body
out of the sun but um uh he as a child i was like you know just like i would fuck the shit out of
him i was like a third grader i was oh my god i was like a chronic masturbating child
um like as a really young kid because they say if you have like a like a
chaos in your household or like you're trying to self-soothe yeah yeah so i was like constantly
fucking whacking off like just non-stop child yeah just trying to get it in on usa during those
oh my god big problem
his mom is a half indonesian yeah bali told you what a cool place to be i thought he was so cute him such a fucking criminal
he was so cute yeah i used to try to dress like him i would tuck in my sweatshirts like he did
thinking that i would look like that one's dropping it i used to get uh you were a crazy
looking kid i feel like i think i was i used to get the guest t-shirts that he would always wear
they're popular again the stripes and it would have guests stitched in. I got those just because he wore them.
I used to try to act like him.
I used to try to talk to teachers like him.
Oh, my God.
Hilarious.
Miss Bliss.
Miss Bliss.
I loved Miss Bliss.
I love Miss Bliss.
Miss Bliss.
The Miss Blisses of the world change lives, you know?
Yeah.
Yeah, she really cared about those kids.
I had hamsters.
I named one of my hamsters Zach, and the other one might get brought up later
who the other name for the hamster was, but yeah.
Boquim.
Balthazar.
Zach and Balthazar are my hamsters.
Mark Paul Gosseler?
Yeah.
So he's married now.
They have kids, and speaking of white people making up names,
Decker with two Ks, and the daughter is named Lachlan.
Which is a name.
I mean, you know, they're pretty.
But, you know, what are you doing?
Also, I mean, Decker Gosselaar.
I just found a picture of him and Slater with their shirts off.
He did have the cakes.
Who, Mark Paul did?
Yeah.
A hundred bucks for a signed photo of him and Slater
with their shirts off
whoa
you're losing money
if you don't give us everything
oh that's in the
god he looks good there
yeah yeah
that's in the older years
oh that's the college years
for sure
yeah those are the
wow dang
some things
wow
stand the test of time
he's on mixed-ish now
he's very funny
what's mixed-ish
oh it's the other
black-ish show it's the other other black-ish show oh he is good for him black on Mixed-ish now. He's very funny. What's Mixed-ish? It's the other Black-ish show.
It's the other other Black-ish show. Oh, he is?
Good for him. Black-ish, Young-ish, and Mixed-ish.
Yeah, there's Grown-ish. No, Grown-ish.
I thought you said Mixed-ish.
Mixed-ish. Young-ish.
But is it Young-ish one too?
There's a bunch of them.
Could be. David, it's time for your second
and third picks. Okay, my
second pick pick Very specific
Rosie Perez and White Men Can't
Jump
That shit man
Yeah
Woof like early
It had me shook
She was shook
Not during the opening credits to do the right thing
No no no
I just watched this movie recently and I was like, oh my God, she's a fucking four.
She's so hot.
Dude, she's a four.
And why make ketchup?
So good.
Foods that start with a little coo.
The Stooky Brothers.
Oh, man.
She was like, and she was always making fun of him, which is what I feel like I need because
I'm stupid.
She's always like, oh, Billy, you're so stupid.
Absolutely.
Do you like when women are mean to you?
Ah, more than I should. You do, Billy, you're so stupid. Do you like when women are mean to you?
More than I should.
You do.
Yeah, you do.
Any hesitation means yes.
Yeah, that's fair.
That's fair.
That's fair.
Teasing is fun.
Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah, but also just like pick up your clothes, stupid.
Sometimes I need that.
But so that got deeper than I wanted it to.
Pick up your clothes, stupid.
What if it's your friends doing it?
I say it to you all the time.
It's not the same.
It's not the same.
Hey, you fucking idiot.
It's not the same.
I don't like it.
Clean up your townhouse.
If a guy said,
pick up your clothes, stupid,
I would literally start crying, I think.
I would be like,
what?
Why?
No.
Also, I do pick up my clothes.
My house is really clean.
It's very clean it smells good
happen to testify in that trial i got two squatty potties i don't mean to brag
one upstairs one downstairs he uses every single squatty potty even when he's in the house
sometimes sometimes i use two at once one for each foot yeah
no i stack them on top of each other i call it a super squatty potty or you do push-ups on them
like you're in prison i mean i do a lot of it a super squatty potty. Or you do push-ups on them like you're in prison.
I mean, I do a lot of things with the squatty potty.
Yeah, Rosie Perez.
She was so great in that movie.
She was like, you saw a bit of the boob, and it was a cool boob.
It was a cool boob.
Trying to get on Jeopardy.
That's cool.
Got on Jeopardy.
Got on Jeopardy.
Sometimes I just watch YouTube clips of her on Soul Train.
Oh.
Yeah, it was one move, but she executed.
Fucking Rosie Perez, man.
It's like this move, but she like, it's great.
Yeah, Rosie Perez from Why Man Can't Jump.
And the next one, okay.
Okay, where am I going here?
So I've said a lot of times we only we most we pretty much only had two
vhs's when i was growing up yeah yeah blue chips and wayne's world of course the big two yeah the
big two that's honestly i could get through life right now i got through a childhood like that
it affects most of my everything is those two movies. If you got questions, the answer is in one of those two.
Exactly.
Exactly.
Exactly.
So I got to go with one from Wayne's World.
I'm picking Cassandra.
Yeah.
Oh, man.
Wait, is that Tia Carrera?
Tia Carrera.
She's like one of the most beautiful people I've ever seen in my life.
Yeah.
She used to.
Man.
She's scary.
And like that first scene when she's in all white leather and he's like,
Oh,
she's a babe.
The man in the backside of everyone.
Yeah.
That's the last scene.
That's where she's wearing the red.
I know,
but she's terrifying.
Oh,
she's so scary.
I couldn't do it.
She could fight.
Yeah.
Yeah,
man.
Yeah.
She was just like,
he thinks he's the passionate one.
Oh yeah.
I'm just like rewinding it over and over again.
She was funny.
She had that thick accent.
Oh, man.
She was hot in that movie.
And it was so cool that she called him Campbell.
And she was just great.
And she was so nice to Stacy, his ex-girlfriend.
Oh, yeah.
Right.
That's an incredible quality.
Yeah. Absolutely. He was like like she's a psycho hosebeats and she's like well maybe she just loves you and she doesn't know
what to do yeah yeah she's she's a great woman two-time grammy award-winning singer what what
and the hits just keep on coming she was in in Lilo and Stitch. Who was she?
Nani.
Nani Palakai.
Nani does sound like her.
Whoa.
Crazy.
Where did she?
Okay, so Carrera has continued to nurture her singing career. In 93, her first solo album, Dream, was released and went platinum in the Philippines.
That a bit.
Hell yeah.
She was featured on the soundtrack for Batman Mask of the Phantasm
was that only
in the Philippines as well
Batman Mask of the Phantasm
that was here it was an animated
okay so she won a
Grammy or Best Hawaiian Music Album
that's a Grammy's category
with Don Ho's kid
wow that's so cool she's so multifaceted
yeah so she's won two for Best Hawaiian that's so cool she's so multifaceted so she's won two
for best heroine
way to go Tia
we're rooting for you Tia
oh yeah an open invite
to be on the pod whenever you'd like
I know this will probably get to you
she listens her team listens
Tia Carrera Blair time for your third pick
okay
um geez I okay I'm gonna go Tia Carrera Blair time for your third pick okay um
jeez
I
okay I'm gonna go
um
John Stamos
yeah
yeah
the Greek freak
oh my god
Uncle Jesse
I wanted his ass bad
um
I was like
I did
I was like
oh he's so fucking cool with that little twist
of hair in his face
yeah and like he'd always roll in
and like you know his black tee
and like biker jeans
and then you know
Michelle would always
go to him they'd always go to
Uncle Jesse and he'd always just give like
the kindest most
sweet advice to his little nieces
and um and i was like he's just what a dream oh and then him and aunt becky now tarnish and becky
um they had such a gorgeous uh relationship they were so in love i was like they fucking
um oh they were fucking if they weren, what a bummer to everybody.
But on the show, I really loved the whole thing.
That was going down big time.
John Stamos.
Twins upstairs.
Yeah, they were just very hot.
Yeah.
He was a babe, total babe.
Absolutely.
And before that, you know, he's plowing his way through San Francisco.
Oh, man. With that haircut And before that, you know, he's plowing his way through San Francisco. Oh, man.
With that haircut?
With that haircut?
That Greek blood?
It runs hot.
Did you guys watch You?
I love You.
I love You.
Right up my fucking alley.
Is John Stamelson You?
Yeah, he is.
Is he still pretty hot?
He seems like he'd still be super hot.
Have you seen the second season?
Yes.
Laura pushed through it with me, but I was just like,
you want to watch another episode of you?
And she's like, I mean, no, not really.
I don't ever want to watch it.
Oh, really?
I watch it all in one day.
I'm sick.
Is it funny?
No, no.
It's dark fucking soapy.
The first season is a lot more interesting because they use social media
in this crazy weird way to me. That's what got me. But yeah, the second season is just a straight up soapy. The first season is a lot more interesting because they use social media in this crazy weird way to me.
That's what got me. But yeah, the second season
is just a straight up soap opera and I'm in
for sure. Yeah, the main message
I got from that show was that I've definitely
slept with a murderer.
I mean, you gotta
learn. You gotta know.
I was like, this guy
seems so normal and all my
friends are like, you have big problems.
Big problems.
He does seem so normal, but yet so creepy.
Penn Badgley, is that his name?
Yeah, I was so happy for him that he got that part after Gossip Girl.
Real juicy part.
You know, they make a lot.
They work really hard to make him seem normal and redeemable, though.
Like he's always helping a child while he's
being a mass murderer. And doing
like little tiny things just good things for
random people sometimes. That's how I would do it.
Yeah I mean that's you got to keep up the
charade as it were. Yeah.
Penn Badgley what a name.
I haven't seen it so that's my only
I've never seen it.
I don't know if you'd like it or not.
Sean time for your third pick. The third pick has I've never seen it. I don't know if you'd like it or not.
Sean, time for your third pick.
The third pick has been the most constant through my whole life.
Still have a huge
crush on her to this day, but it started in The Karate Kid.
It's Elizabeth Shue.
There's no
getting around it. My favorite movie
for quite some time.
I was in Taekwondo for
16 years, 15, 16 years.
So that was like my fucking Bible when I was a kid.
You're the first person who's ever responded like that.
No one's ever looked at me and been like, oh, a fighter.
Most people were like, okay, you wanted to learn technique of things.
Black belt right there.
That is your black belt.
It's not his black.
It's a...
It was given to me. It's a counterfeit black belt, but it is a black belt. And you did is your black belt. It's not his black. It's a. It's a. It's given to me.
It's a counter.
It's a schmata.
It's a counterfeit black belt, but it is a black belt.
And you did earn a black belt.
I did.
Yeah.
Elizabeth shoe in the karate kid.
She's gorgeous.
Yeah.
She is gorgeous.
What have I seen Elizabeth shoe in recently?
Something.
She was in.
God, recently.
I don't know.
But she did Invisible Man.
She was in Leaving Las Vegas, Adventures of Babysitting, all movies that I have different
types of crushes on her. Damn. She's from Delaware. She's from Delaware. Oh, she was in Leaving Las Vegas, Adventures in Babysitting, all movies that I have different types of crushes on her.
Damn, she's from Delaware.
She's from Delaware? Oh, she was in The Boys.
That's what it is. She's great in The Boys.
The Boys. On Amazon?
Oh, she was great in The Boys.
She's fantastic. You should watch The Boys.
Let's hear it for The Boys.
Do you want to see Elizabeth Shue breastfeeding a grown man?
No.
Maybe don't watch it.
That was one of the two scenes in that show where I was like, feeding a grown man. No, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that,
that,
that,
that,
that,
that,
that,
that,
that was one of the two scenes in that show where I was like,
this is hard for me to watch.
Yeah,
this is taking a turn.
That's pretty wild.
It's a pretty good show.
Is it like some fetish stuff?
Is that what's going on?
No.
Well,
it's hard to explain.
Yeah,
you gotta watch it.
It's a lot.
I'd need a show.
I mean,
no,
you should watch the show.
I think you'd enjoy the book.
It's not that crazy when she breastfeeds,
but wasn't that something? Oh, finish succession. You schmuck. Yeah. Yeah. You're right. You're right. I mean, no, you should watch the show. I think you'd enjoy the book. It's not that crazy when she breastfeeds, but wasn't that something? Oh, finished succession. You schmuck.
Yeah. Yeah. You're right. You're right. I got it. I'll do that. But then dive into the boys
and I'm going to read a book too soon. I love books. I got called out pretty hard yesterday
and it's true. I haven't read, I haven't finished, finished a book in quite some time. First of all,
Sean can't read. I can read, but I don't a lot.
I don't like it.
So I need to make myself read more.
It just has to happen.
Right.
Because it's ridiculous that I have to.
I got some books you'd love.
I'm going to read Guy Branum's book.
I got a big ass pile in my room.
Help yourself.
I'm going to read Guy Branum's
and then I'm going to have you recommend me a book
and I'm going to read that.
Oh, I can't recommend you a book now?
Fuck me, man.
I didn't.
I got a Kindle, dog.
Eventually. I'm in the game too. I got a Kindle, dog. That's a hindrance.
You can't give me a Kindle.
I only borrowed that Kindle for a while. That's a good point.
I'm not giving it up. When civilization ends,
I'm still here reading. That's a good point. I don't know.
The Otamangase Cookbook, you know. That Kindle
does not leave my bed.
Yeah, Elizabeth Shue. It was
just, again, I think I learned like
a Valley Girl type thing where I was like,
that's crazy.
They go to school outside and, you know,
and she likes guys that do karate.
That's pretty rad.
Was that not a Sioux Falls?
The ladies in Sioux Falls were dumb.
When I was in like third grade,
I had a jacket that said Sioux Falls Black Belt School on it.
It had a big mouth.
It had a big tiger going like ah like that and every bully would
just come up be like the fuck is this just like slap me up a little bit yeah i couldn't do a
thing about it when i heard you say that because i just imagined you walking around with like a
rat tail on the sofa and you're doing the splits i had a big rat tail big rat tail down to my butt.
I had a rat tail down to my butt and a jacket.
It was like a,
like a windbreaker.
It said Sioux Falls.
And it also,
by the way,
you listening down to my butt.
And this jacket had Mr.
Sean stitched in on the left.
It said Mr.
Sean cursive.
And it said on the back,
what did it say on the back?
Sioux Falls Black Belt School.
So it was in a circle, and then it was a big tiger like that.
In the middle of it?
What did you think?
You dressed like a record executive from the 70s.
I would fucking kill for that jacket right now.
We used to call it, because we had to call each other Mr.
unless it was the master, then it was Master Darren.
Mr. Master Darren.
Wait, did your friends have rat tails too?
Smith did.
So my best friend, I've known this kid since I'm five.
He had a rat tail.
Yeah.
I imagine you're going to meet Smith someday.
Really?
Yeah, I bet.
It seems like.
He had a rat tail.
I bet you'll meet him.
But he also had the cat scratches with his rat tail.
I did not. I just had the rat tail.
Cat scratches? Was the lines on the...
Yeah. And your mom was just like,
okay. My mom saved it.
She has it in a photo album.
I knew that and it still
hit me right in the stomach.
I can flip through a photo album
and see this rat tail. How long
is it now? He's nice with a chuck still though.
It's probably like that long
because my back wasn't huge.
Have you seen Sean do nunchucks before?
I'm really good with nunchucks still.
You really never know someone.
Right?
No.
He is nice. Sean is
a fighter and a nunchucks man.
With a best friend named
Smith with matching rat tails.
One of which
has been preserved for us there. I bet you
Smith's mom still has his.
Do moms just keep rat tails?
Well, my mom and Smith's mom were fucking tight.
If you kill someone, they have your DNA
like ready enough.
Oh, there's a rat tail. Also, if you kill someone,
you get to keep their rat tail traditionally.
Oh, true. That's how the Navajo did it.
Elizabeth Shupak Shakur,
I'm talking about my third and fourth picks.
With my third pick,
I got to go with Claire Danes, dude.
Oh, shit.
Which specific iteration?
Listen, this was a cross genre.
You're a little younger than me,
so you probably would have been.
You're talking my so-called life, I imagine. Talking my so-called probably would have been you're talking my so-called life.
Yeah, I was watching my so-called life.
Damn, dude.
I'm talking about like all the way until Romeo and Juliet.
Oh, sure.
Romeo and Juliet with Nardo.
I was still a kid when that was happening.
Brad Pitt called him LDC last night.
He goes,
I got to talk to LDC over here. And I'm like,
God, it'd be fun to watch you two go bowling.
Oh my God. Brad Pitt's so fucking cool. He seems
like he's also could be. We're just
going to talk about potential. No, it's cool. Oh shit.
Fuck these rules. No, sorry.
No, no, it's cool, man. Don't do it.
You're always the one fucking blabbing all the pics all
over the place before they get picked. I feel like that was real incited to how you see me easy dartboard
all you all you are is a dartboard now
hey dartboard pick up your two short shit dummy i don't like this
this is the it's the opposite of how it sounds in my head when my wife is doing it.
No, that's a good pick.
Claire Danes.
I have such a big fucking crush on Claire Danes. You know what she always makes me think of is that song Kiss Me.
Oh, yeah.
I don't know why.
Different pick.
Six pence, none the richer.
Wear your shoes and I will wear a dress oh yeah kiss me there you go
exactly never not with that voice i thought six pence none the richer was here for a second
didn't you exactly nice credit yeah that's that's amazing it definitely uh that's she
god she rules and she was great in shop girl too girl too she's become a great I mean she was in temple
Grandin
about the cows yeah
I think she won like
an Emmy for that or something she's a
fucking homeland bitch serious
I don't think she
has a giggle too
often anywhere in there
she I heard on Mark
Marin oh really really whoa too often. Anywhere in there? She, I heard her on Marc Maron. Oh really? And I was
just like, whoa.
She was like very
stern and serious on it? Yeah, but I
mean like she has that real like
theater actress. Oh
yeah. About my craft.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
But I think she's such a good actress. It wouldn't be
a good pairing then, but as a child
maybe, you know.
You and Claire Danes, we'll make it work.
We'll make it work.
Yeah.
I'll do everything I can.
Love wins.
Yeah.
Love wins.
Yeah.
Love wins.
Maybe she laughs around the house.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Maybe behind closed doors.
She's a real fucking hoot.
Yeah.
She's a real hoot.
You guys got to see her at the crib.
She's a riot. She's got one of those she got one of those
sound maker things so she's always like you know i was putting the fart machine in the fridge she's
so funny she's got a play-doh station it's so funny yeah she wears this t-shirt that says flute
and sarcasm it's you and claire do bits when the shades are down.
We have people that we should see
when we play celebrity
at the house.
Just the two of us.
It's amazing.
She does a great Danny Glover
surprisingly.
She's always walking around
with her mommy juice flask.
Wait, what?
Oh, I get it.
She got a wine.
Yeah, she bought a wine glass
that's about a gallon big.
Fake turds everywhere.
Oh, she's hilarious.
Fake turds everywhere.
Miss Claire Danes dude
now I gotta
and I gotta honor
like this is not someone
I have a crush on anymore
but fucking
my fourth pick
Melissa Joan Hart
oh
Clarissa
Clarissa was explaining it all
she explained it all to me
and I was really
I was here to hear it
also Sabrina the Teenage Witch
I was a big Salem guy
as far as that show
Salem he was cracking wise
all the time I watched every far as that show. Salem, he was cracking wise all the time.
I watched every episode of that show.
So Sabrina? Yeah.
Me too, I think. It was so
funny and silly
and cuckoo. And magic.
Yeah.
Was it Caroline Ray in it?
I love the other aunt.
Yeah, Hilda.
Yeah, Hilda had it
going on.
Caroline Ray was hot too we did
no no absolutely
David
David
that was so
that was my
that's my own specific
the other day we were sitting around
at the end of the show we'll always be like shout out this
shout out that. David just kind of
melancholy goes shout out
David.
To himself.
We're like what? He's like I don't know. Sorry.
That's all he said.
Shout out to David.
Shout out to David.
Sometimes you gotta expose yourself.
My weakness is my strength.
No, no, that was courageous.
We could all stand to do it a little bit more.
Talk about our Caroline race.
Shout out to David.
She was cute though, dude.
Caroline of the City.
I watched that show.
What else, dude?
What else?
Oh, man.
Who is she doing?
Very funny and can't hardly wait.
Fantastic can't hardly wait.
We did a... Married to Seth Green.
No.
No.
No.
No, no, no, no.
Jesus.
I was going to lose my mind.
No.
No.
No.
Absolutely.
No.
No.
I know that's not true because we just worked with her.
She lives in Connecticut.
Really?
Yeah, she flew out for a sketch called Subpoena the Teenage Witch
that's hilarious
she was so nice
about the crush?
I did not, I withheld that information
did you sing
I stayed very professional
did you dress like Max?
I did dress like Max
did you climb through her window?
how'd that song go
i mean that uh look at way cool right oh yeah
she's like this these words yeah yeah it was on snick i think for a while it was on snick
sean type of your uh fourth childhood crush kathy ireland, yeah. Had to be. Had to do it. Sure.
Showing fucking range today.
Follows us on Twitter.
Holy shit.
Wow.
Wait, are you fucking with me?
No.
Are you?
I'm being serious.
You think that's range?
Yeah.
Awesome.
Yeah, you got some range, dude.
We started at Tina Turner.
Amazing.
We're going to end weird, too.
Yeah.
Dude, I'm going to end weird, too.
I got a pretty weird ending.
The landing is going to be an odd one.
Um,
Kathy Ireland.
I mean,
yeah,
dude,
every like unnecessary roughness is really the only movie I can think of.
And I don't want to get into sounding like a scumbag,
but I,
I had the swimsuit calendar.
Okay.
And I was just,
it was,
it was making a scumbag.
And then just dot,
dot,
dot.
You were just,
you know, no, but I mean, just a hog you slaughtered your hog over that
oh my god
David
mom get in here
I ruined everything
slaughtered your hog
that's the grossest way to say it but the funniest and yeah yeah and yes i did
and to answer your question she was just like she's beautiful yeah like absolutely gorgeous
like one of the first like models that i can remember her and like do you know what color
what color bathing suit she was on the cover? Was it like
cheetah print? No.
I don't then. Yellow.
Yellow. Alright. Yellow's a tough
color to pull off. Good for her.
Yeah. I told you.
I wore it. I did
a local subway commercial up in Portland, Oregon
and they gave me a yellow
They gave me a
yellow zip up to keep
and I wore it one day and he's like
hey that hoodie nah
you have to it needed to be
so brutal when one of your friends
says something like that but that
means that I know I'm not slipping most of
it he hasn't said that about these shorts
you went in the house you have three four leaf
clovers on
no it's good to let I, it's good to let.
I think it's good to let someone know.
That's like when I had bangs in 2017.
Infamous.
And one of my friends.
I heard about it.
We went to go do mushrooms in the woods.
And she just pulled me aside and goes.
You need to grow out your bangs.
Can you do that?
You can just say that to someone.
And I was like,
Matt,
I was like,
you don't know.
And I look back, and I was like, Matt, I was like, you don't know. And I look back at those pictures and I am amazed.
I have never seen something look worse.
I was like, oh, I have curly hair.
What's a good idea?
Get bangs.
Oh my God.
Wow.
What?
Why?
How did that happen? I just wanted
them so bad. You know when you're
a little kid and you like want braces
like I just wanted bangs my whole life.
Well they were like real popular for
a minute again. Really? Like these ones?
Yeah. Yeah they were like they came
like Anne Hathaway and like
Devil Wears Prada. I don't know how long ago that was
but that right that am I
blowing it? Not right for you. yeah like they came in a style like really hard for i feel recently i like kind of want to delete
my instagram up until that like past it they look so fucking bad holy shit you know what though you
look up famous bangs first of all not what you think uh a lot of a lot of people pulling it off
famous bangs there's people who can do bangs and there's people who can't do bangs.
And there's no indictment of anything else about you.
She bangs.
She bangs.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kathy Ireland, dude.
Yeah, Kathy Ireland.
That fits in with your whole Irish thing in general.
Blair, time for your fourth pick.
Oh, okay.
I got to go Matthew Lawrence.
Okay, absolutely.
Yeah, absolutely. Matthew, not Joey. No, no. go um matthew lawrence okay absolutely yeah absolutely not joey no no joey was it's a long walk he was a good looking dude but like joey was harder than matthew no
fucking matthew was the face yeah matthew's the middle one right yes yeah and he's the ugly one. So you offended her.
So I don't see ugly.
But I mean, but if those two are your brothers.
What?
Oh, OK.
Fuck me.
I'm sorry.
Brotherly love.
I didn't mean ugly.
No, I it was between Ryder Strong and Matthew Lawrence.
I have to go.
Ryder Strong was on.
That guy was cool. Yeah, but I think Matthew Lawrence. I have to go with Matthew Lawrence. Rider Strong was on that guy was cool.
Yeah,
but I think Matthew Lawrence
is hotter.
Like,
Rider Strong
is more of like
actor face,
you know?
Yeah,
Matthew Lawrence
was also like
jacked,
I feel like.
Yeah,
and I,
Rider Strong
has like
polio body.
Right,
right,
right.
Some of these actors,
I'm like,
I could truly
body slam you
with 40% of my capacity little i know yeah i
mean well but that's because fun fact blair at one point was the i love telling people
blair was the fastest downhill skier in california no shit That's so cool. When I was four. For one year. It's still pretty cool.
That's amazing.
That's better than an adult. You know what I was doing
when I was four? I was a toddler.
You were four and you could
ski? Flying down that mountain. You don't want a pizza
when you want a french fry. You're going to bail.
A lot of that.
Go ass over teacup real quick.
I know it looks like cold
smoke. It's ice.
Watch your teeth. No, with brothers i liked i did so much dangerous wild shit just because i felt like i had to or else i'd
be left out of the family yeah yeah yeah i get that yeah i killed a guy like that my dad's a
maniac like that where we would go like he'd like to teach us how to ski he'd like you take one
class and then you take your drop down and then like to the top of a black diamond and then
it's like get down and you're like dad what's that helicopter doing so then you like you'd ski
like 45 feet and then fall over and then all right get back up and then ski 45 feet there's no war
you don't have to be that tough no also i'm looking at the lawrence brothers today look at him a matthew great looking
joey andy is the ugly one didn't joey kind of go a weird tattoo route no no no he's a weird tattoo
biceps popping on joey really oh yeah that's a good looking crew of brothers look at that widow
peak on jojo a tight shirt
i don't a tight shirt i'm like you absolutely have a horrible personality that's all i think
when i see like a very tight shirt it's designed to distract oh yeah
especially a tight yellow shirt john yeah with ribs on it uh dav, time for your fourth and final picks.
Okay.
Okay.
Fourth pick.
This is, it's hard to like, it's hard to really wind them.
Okay.
Because of what my fifth pick is, I know where I'm going with my fourth pick.
This was a kid, and you're not going to know her by name, but when i show you a picture of her okay you're
gonna remember she was like in everything i'm picking kyla pratt now you don't know but wait
wait till i show you the pictures then you're she was in like she was like the little girl
if they needed like a little black girl for an episode of something she was on like everything
she was in space jam do you remember in space jam when charles
barkley lost his powers yes and he goes to the he goes to the court to play with those little kids
and she's like holy shit that's charles barkley and then and then she's like you're not charles
barkley and she was just on everything i watched as a kid she was on smart guy where she was just on everything I watched as a kid. She was on Smart Guy where she was like TJ.
She was like a gangster.
And TJ was like scared to date her.
Then he dressed scary.
And she's like, it's okay.
We could just read comic books.
She was just on everything.
She was so beautiful.
I thought that we would be funny together.
I followed her on Instagram.
She didn't follow me back.
But I thought maybe because I'm verified she was.
Maybe do I get to throw another unfollow follow again.
Oh, because I'm verified now? Wait a minute. You know, I've never done and throw another unfollow follow again. Oh because I'm verified now?
Wait a minute. You know I've never done that?
The unfollow follow thing? I didn't even. I think it's bad.
I've never done it either. The girl does
that to me like every day and
it's really fucking weird. Yeah.
Oh that's why it seems like
cause there are some people who it feels like
I've been like I know that person
follows me. Yeah it's the unfollow
and then they hit you back again so it'll be at the top of the mentions and you're like,
I mean. Little do you know, I'm not even
reading. Start playing basketball or skateboarding
and you'll get that follow. I'm not even reading the
mentions that much, Tommy.
You think I'm doing more work?
Alright,
so Kyla Pratt is my fourth pick.
Kyla Pratt, perfect. And my fifth one,
this is gonna sound weird,
it's from Blue Trips. you remember the movie blue yeah do you remember nick nolte's wife in that movie yes yeah his ex-wife yeah i
was so sexually attracted to her i think her name's katherine mcconnell like when he went to
her house after they lost that game and she's like you want to stay over you want to do a little one-on-one it was so sexy i don't even know how to explain it we don't have to i get it
mary mcdonald have you guys seen blue chips seen blue chips but it's a great basketball movie okay
yeah i have seen love and basketball though which is like the hottest movie ever that movie is this
is this was not as hot as that.
She's in Dances with Wolves.
She is with Dances.
She's the white lady.
Damn.
You know, they filmed that in South Dakota.
I don't know what you're talking about.
She's in ID4.
Yeah, she's in Independence Day as well.
She's the first lady.
Oh.
Yeah, the first lady in ID4.
All right, sure.
Yeah, she, man.
She really, really revved my engine as a kid.
Anything?
But you got to get a picture of her in blue chips.
Yeah.
Hold on.
Let me Catherine.
She's been in a lot of stuff.
She's been, she's been in my heart.
She, man, it was like, like, like when you're a little kid and you don't even know like when you saw
tina turner and you're like i don't know what like i remember just watching that i'd be like i
was like five i don't fully know what she means by do you want to play some one-on-one but i do
it's also complicated because he was drunk and i was like that seems fun
but that's another day another draft draft. Okay. And she taught,
she taught Shaq how to read in that movie.
He knew how to read, man.
You know those types of culturally biased.
That's right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
When I was 17,
we invaded Guatemala for fun.
I make my own sense.
David, do more Shaq.
Wow.
That was incredible.
Oh yeah.
I watched that movie all the time.
It's so good. I watched, movie all the time. It's so good.
I watched Blue.
Yeah, I've probably seen Blue Chips all the time.
And yet you haven't seen the program.
One of the things that you've never seen.
Yeah, isn't that weird?
The program?
Yeah, I've never seen it.
You ever seen the program, Blair?
I don't think so.
Oh, my God.
We were a Blue Chips family.
I don't know what to tell you.
We were mixed households.
I mean, now I'm glad I have some shit on the docket, though.
I love to get educated.
The program.
The program.
The program in British.
It is dumb as hell.
We should do a watch along of the program.
Ooh, place at the table.
In a heartbeat.
Yeah.
In a heartbeat.
Fuck yeah.
Blair, time for your final pick.
Okay, I'm going to go wild right now,
and it's going to be Pierce Brosnan.
Whoa! Whoa!
You mean shot at the pool?
I
as a child.
That's not wild. That's like very
gold mine.
Like he was older
as old as my dad.
For me being where I'm talking about is
when I was like a horny child.
Like Mrs. Doubtfire? Yeah. When I was watching Mr. Doubt and I was like yeah dude that's the fucking guy right there
and it's so funny yeah dude I loved Pierce Brosnan as a child I thought he was so handsome
and it's funny because I mean like he has like the same
like put together look as my dad and i was just like clearly no listen we're not writing anything
we're not packing at all yeah yeah um three of the ladies on my list are straight up moms yeah
i really i really loved pierce brosnan as a child.
Also, he was British.
That's hot.
Yeah, absolutely.
He's Irish, isn't he?
When you're a child, you really get tricked by accents.
Like, I remember Hugh Grant and stuff.
And I was like, now when I think of Hugh Grant, I'm like, no, nothing.
But as a child, you're like, hmm.
I think Hugh Grant's gorgeous.
You don't have a crush on Hugh Grant?
Really?
He's not gorgeous. It's just like my chemical heart doesn't go to him gotcha my chemical
my chemical romance yeah he doesn't get my chemical he doesn't get my chemical
you ever see the thomas crown affair with him at the remake i watched it like good
in like the last couple years renee rus Russo's in that too, right?
Does he still take you there, Pierce Brosnan?
Absolutely, yeah. Nice.
Will Smith and him, I still, now I mean
he's a bit old. He's getting there.
I haven't seen him. He was looking old last night.
I saw him on the gloves. He was looking old.
He looked pretty good last night.
You thought he was looking pretty good?
I didn't even watch. He's 66.
I don't think I, like I couldn't fuck a 50 year old or a 60 year old.
Like that's too old.
I couldn't stop.
There's like,
I could probably four immediately.
Yeah.
Selma Hayek.
Oh yeah.
I mean,
Jayla is 50 when you look at her and she looks,
she looks cryogenically frozen.
And JLo's 50.
That one is like...
I saw her when I worked
on Chelsea lately. She came on the show.
J-Lo? J-Lo. And I remember her walking
by and she was literally glowing.
It was weird. I'm like, how are you glowing?
Well, she's vegan. She doesn't drink. She doesn't smoke.
She's like pure
light. So her skin is just like, oh my god.
She works out every day
and then right and then it's rich on top of it so
all that shit oh yeah
oh my god
she's so good
incredible I've talked about it so
many times her butt in
hustlers it's
nuts it doesn't I
was saying that it's like an old
magic from Puerto Rico that we don't yet
understand right but i know no everyone's been trying to replicate it for a long time but there's
nothing like her fucking real ass yeah that's her that's her ass that's that's the dumper god gave
her yeah you're right and that fur coat yeah that's the end oh she was so good so incredible she was teaching
her how to strip and then she was like and now you just and she was doing all the moves
then she gave cardi b a lap day i don't want to talk about oh my god it was incredible constance
i feel was miscast but yeah i thought so too yeah i thought she wasn't quite the right part right
she wasn't the right and that's she is a good actress it's not that absolutely and you know
she wanted to do movies so it's probably Annie Port in a Storm kind of thing,
but like,
not quite the right person
for that role.
No, no, no.
No.
J-Lo was fucking nailed it.
J-Lo, incredible.
And the other girls I liked.
All the other people were really fun.
Like, yeah.
Little cameos like,
Cardi B was good in hers,
and like,
Lizzo was fun in hers,
and then...
Feels hard to breathe.
Who's the other girl?
She's another famous actor.
Jesus.
I haven't seen her.
Dude, my brain did that.
You would love Hustlers.
I'm sure I would.
Not just because of the butts.
My stupid computer doesn't have a stupid disk drive on it anymore.
Me too, same.
So I don't know any.
I figured out how to watch the, I thought, I was like,
they should ask you before they send these screeners out
if you have a DVD player.
They send digital ones now too.
Now I figured it out, but they should ask you because I don't have a DVD player. I'm not ones now too. Now I figured it out, but they should ask you
because I don't have a DVD player.
I'm not in the WGA.
I'm not either.
Sag?
Yeah.
So funny because you make so much more money than I do.
I don't think, I don't, we don't know that.
We do.
Lily Reinhart, that's who I was thinking of.
Yeah, she's from Riverdale.
David, we don't know that
we know that
we know
we very much
know that
so much
this is actually
the first time
this has ever happened to me
what
that somebody said
I make more money
oh really
yeah
I mean I'm hoping
like
it'll
well
it's not like a comfortable feeling, is it?
No, I was living on a couch four years ago.
Really?
That's a long time ago.
No, it's not.
That's college.
No.
Four years?
I didn't have a room from 22 to 27.
I'm with you, man.
I celebrate these success.
I don't know why.
Everybody knows how poor I am.
I'm telling you.
I don't know why I have to feel like that. I'm telling you. No, it's great.
I hope I'm there soon.
Would it make you feel comfortable if I brought up
how much money I make?
I can't believe you just got uncomfortable.
I'm shook right now.
Why?
This is the most uncomfortable I've ever been on a podcast.
Are you serious? It's cool.
I feel crazy.
Normally it's me getting all uncomfortable.
Because I get paranoid like somebody's gonna come
and take it. I know. Oh, really?
Yeah. I'm buying a gun.
Don't come test me. Yeah.
Get a crossbow. I know somebody will get you one.
Yeah, at a price.
I'm kidding. I'm not buying a gun.
There is a wrench in my house that's big.
Plus you have darts.
You can home alone someone if they come for you right now.
Oh, man, I do have a paint can.
Yeah.
That's good to know.
Sean, time for your final pick.
Final pick, Chili from TLC.
Oh.
Oh, good pick.
Oh, my God.
You have incredible picks.
Incredible.
I was a little older, so I was...
Thank you, by the way.
I didn't want that to like...
Still a child, though. I was probably 10. Yeah, no, that's still a you by the way I didn't want that to like still a child though I was probably 10
yeah no that's still a child
you're talking about ooh on the TLC tip
yeah like baby baby baby
what about your friends
mainly baby baby baby
how many times have me and you got to the bottom of a bottle
and watched some TLC videos
oh my god that was like my first CD
I was obsessed
ooh on the TLC tip. Oh my god. That was like my first CD. I was obsessed. I had the single for Baby Baby
Baby. Crazy Sexy Cool.
Crazy Sexy Cool also huge. But I love
this pic because you know at the time
nobody picked Chilli. Well except for
Usher. What? I mean like.
I feel like Chilli was getting picked.
Everybody knows Chilli. So if you want to be out of it.
Left Eye had all the heat. Yeah.
It was a toss up. If anybody were going to feel bad it was
T-Boz. Well T-Boz and Chilli. I'm a T-Boz guy. I'm a T-Boz guy. T. It was a toss-up. If anybody were going to feel bad, it was T-Boz. Well, T-Boz and Chili.
I'm a T-Boz guy.
I'm a T-Boz guy.
T-Boz is just crazy sexy.
You're a Boston Celtic.
Oh, yeah.
T-Boz is the coolest person maybe that ever was a person.
And she was in Belly, which factors in.
Trust me.
Oh, yeah.
You don't think there's three pics from Belly on my alternate sleeve?
I realized, by the way, can I say something?
Yes.
A lot of people haven't seen
belly that's fine i accidentally recreated a scene from belly in my house yesterday well i'm very
familiar with belly so okay i'm excited to hear it was the one where that guy's naked and you
pulled the gun no it's not the scene it's not the scene that you think i got a projector for
christmas oh yeah like a little one so i can watch TV on the wall in my bedroom now.
And I was wearing like a wife beater and white shorts.
And I was like on my bed smoking a joint watching King of the Hill on the projector.
And I was like, I'm just like Keisha in belly.
Like you remember when she was waiting for Tommy
and she was just on the rug smoking
weed, watching some shit on the projector.
I was like, I'm just like Keisha from belly.
You know, that's the little girl from Bronx tale.
Yes, I do know that. We've also
gotten drunk a lot. I feel like I say that
every time I got to watch belly.
Yeah, chips the program.
You got a day.
You're going to belly and blue chips and that's pretty much my whole personality.
The program is heavy over here.
We're heavy programmers.
Wow.
For sure.
I'm going to get to know you guys.
Place the table.
I feel like this draft has already been pretty telling.
And that money talk got me shook.
I thought I was complimenting you
No you were I just got nervous
That money talk got me shook
I just always think somebody's
It doesn't matter
Cover my final pick
I have a stitch in my side
I can't stretch out
So this is my flu game right now
I'm currently cramping
Oh no
You're handling it I'm gonna get through it You're handling it. I'm going to get through it.
You're handling it. I'm going to get through it.
Champion. Final pick.
Just to win Melissa Joan. Is that why your energy
got so intense? Yeah.
I'm sorry. I'm a fucking live wire right now.
He's exposed.
We put like the fucking extension cord into a fire.
You know what I mean? I know what you mean.
Damn, this one's tough.
Okay, so this was the one I almost took first and i've talked about it before okay deborah cox how did you get here how do you get here no no nobody's supposed to be here
no deborah cox is a fox dude i saw. She is. No, that's a total.
Her in that green dress in that video? Oh, my God.
Yeah, I got to Google that shit.
I was at home watching MTV, and that video came on.
It was one of those like, what?
No.
What?
No.
I know exactly what you mean.
When do we get these channels?
That's cable.
What?
What?
She is breathtaking.
And there wasn't like some big like music industry.
I mean, maybe they tried a little bit.
I think it was a minor hit.
This wasn't your like Mariah Carey or your like, it was like, who the fuck is Deborah Cox?
Oh my God.
And I was just like immediately like.
Oh my God.
Have you seen Deborah Cox right now?
No.
How's she doing?
I got you right here.
Let me see.
Wow.
Get it.
Yeah. That's my girl. Yeah. That's the one. Yeah. here. Wow. Get it. Yeah, that's my girl.
Yeah, that's the one.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Me and Debbie.
I didn't even know you could wear see-through with that.
Yeah, that's a wild outfit.
That's a truly confident woman.
She looks like she can tame lions.
She's Canadian, too.
What?
Yeah, she's from Toronto.
The one Toronto?
The one. Deah cox man yeah
dude juno award winner deborah cox juno juno that's a can that's a that's canadian grayleys
yeah yeah yeah that's why i hit him with a little puerto rican juno
that's that's also a smash hit song
you know who loves that
song? It's the gays. Did they?
And I'm not saying that. Solomon told me. Alright.
I might need to go
karaoke that soon. Yeah, you gotta karaoke.
I think I gotta wash off 2019
in a way I wasn't anticipating.
Yeah, let's go karaoke. I wanna sing
my one song again.
I don't even sing karaoke, but then you remind me.
Isn't there karaoke somewhere on Monday nights?
Is it Monday?
Probably.
It is Monday.
This is LA.
This is Chumuk's flying out.
I gotta prepare.
I need at least a week
to prepare.
Yeah, absolutely.
How about love?
Love.
Anyway.
No!
Deborah Cox.
We all knew she was
going to be the final pick
of this draft
by Hooker by Crook.
So that wraps it up.
David, you went first,
and you took the first and Viv.
Oh, yeah.
Rosie Perez and Whiteman can't jump.
Uh-huh.
Tia Carrera.
Yeah.
Kyla Pratt.
And then Mary McDonald,
specifically from Blue Chips.
From Blue Chips.
Blair, you went second.
You took Will Smith,
Mark Paul Gosselier,
John Stamos,
Matthew Lawrence,
Matthew Lawrence, mind you,
and then Pierce Brosnan.
Man, that is a hunky list. That is a fucking lot of beef on that list. Sean, you went you, and then Pierce Brosnan. Man, that is a hunky list.
That is a fucking lot of beef on that list.
You went third and you took Tina Turner,
Jenny Garth, Elizabeth Shue,
Kathy Ireland, and Chili
from TLC. You really went around the horn though.
You know what's funny about your list is
like we're not that
different in ages, but yours
definitely seems of a slightly
older. Yeah, Kathy Ireland is like right up.
It's Elizabeth Shue and Jenny Garth, too.
That was a young, horny kid.
That's like a two, that like, you were three years older than me, two years old.
But that's like a very, or maybe I was just not a horny enough kid.
I took Danica McKellar, Danielle Fishel, Claire Danes, Melissa Joan Hart, and then Deborah Cox.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Man, a lot of talent on the board.
A lot of talent.
I immediately regret seeing talent.
Oh, my God.
Winona Ryder.
Larissa Olnick.
Roxanne from a Goofy movie.
Oh, yeah.
Peg Bundy.
April O'Neil.
Lola Bunny.
Lola Bunny.
April O'Neil would have been.
Yeah, I was thinking about a cartoon.
I also had Pam and Gina from Martin.
Whichever one I thought.
Wednesday Addams.
Oh, Ashley and her are both from Fresh Prince.
Yeah, of course.
Of course.
Of course.
I had Joshua Jackson.
Oh, yeah.
Who is that?
Pacey from Dawson's Creek.
Pacey Winner from Dawson's Creek.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
I had Joey from Dawson's Creek.
Oh, yeah.
That's. from Dawson's Creek. Oh, okay, okay. Was he the one with the weak chin? I had Joey from Dawson's Creek. Oh, yeah, that's...
Couple soap opera kids over here.
Yeah, yeah.
I love the plot.
Yeah, that was rad.
Man, I feel like I got to know everybody real well yeah
this is a real treat for me
I'm really pleased to have been here
thank you oh thank you for coming you were wonderful
it was amazing yeah excellent
picks all around we want to hear yours
all family everything hit us up
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Thank you for holding us down. We truly appreciate it.
You let us do what we do.
Shout out to
Super Producer Marissa
Melnick. She sure is.
She comes back from Toronto fairly soon.
Yeah, I think it was her last day here in a long time.
The one Toronto. We'll be back in the studio
soon, Mars. We'll see you.
Shout out to fucking Frankie Ocean. Shout out to
Haji Beats. Shout out to Sid the Dude.
Shout out to St. Sue Carmel.
Champion Slides, dude. Champion Slides.
What? Where are they? Oh, yeah.
Shout out to
Shout out to a place you worked
shout to 18 karat gold you know what i mean shout out to the club it's not for me but you know
shout to the club yeah fucking shout to scallops dude man fire roasted octopus we should eat
yeah that's incredible it's so good isn't it yeah have you been to al aqua no pretty good fire
roasted octopus is it weird that i feel weird eating octopus why because they're smart yeah That's incredible. It's so good, isn't it? Yeah. Have you been to Al Aqua? No. Pretty good fire-roasted octopus.
Really?
Is it weird that I feel weird eating octopus?
Why?
Because they're smart?
Yeah.
Not smart enough to not get caught.
Pigs are smart as hell.
Even real ones get caught.
Yeah.
I fuck bacon up.
Yeah.
I'll eat a fucking pig too.
I eat bacon every day.
As long as I don't have a kid, I'm not hurting the world as much as the people who do.
So I'm going to have pork and octopus.
Man, that is how this podcast ended today, I'm not hurting the world as much as the people who do. So I'm going to have pork and octopus.
Man, that is how this podcast ended.
I'm not going to make coat.
Yo, you get a mink coat.
I would never get a mink coat.
God, that'd be wild.
I'd get a faux mink. I would.
I could get a faux mink right now.
What's that?
Forty bucks for mink.
Yeah.
Well, you make a shitload of money, right?
Come on, man. right now what's that 40 bucks for mink yeah well you make a shitload of money right come on man more important than all that tune in again next week for another brand new episode
of all fantasy everything that was a hate gun podcast