All Fantasy Everything - Condiments (w/ Amy Miller, Sean Jordan and David Gborie)

Episode Date: April 27, 2017

It's our 30th episode, so we're practicing safe snacks, which means always using condiments. Hahaaa. I saw that joke in a cartoon in a newspaper when I was ten. Host Ian Karmel is joined by comedians Amy Miller, David Gborie and Sean Jordan. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything, ladies and gentlemen. The podcast that... Oh, yeah, do another one of these. The podcast that sends you into a spiral. Yeah. You know? It sends you into an emotional spiral. Where you thought you were doing well, and then you start spiraling downward faster and faster.

And you spiral out of control so hard that you're hammered in Texas, you know, on like a Saturday night. And somebody hands you a bag of mushrooms, and you eat a couple of them. You're just like, because you'll just do anything at that point. You know, and you spiral so much that you create gravity you create your own sort of gravity from the spiral and the gravity pulls things in in everything from your life everything you've experienced gets pulled into your orbit and uh and you look at it you're like oh i could fantasy draft some of this yeah yeah yeah so how's how's it going ian i'm all right man all right all right no cool man i'm doing good yeah things are looking up in a lot of different

ways uh yeah i'm great no i really good. And I'm especially good because today, it's nothing but podcast favorites in the room with me. Champs, champs, champs. We got champs in the room. Champ is here. The champ is here. I say that any time I walk in the building. You do say that a lot.

I say it. I like to say it. I call myself the people's champ a lot. That's a cool thing to say. You know, lately I've been feeling like the people's chump. No. No, stop. Yeah. No, not at all. No, I haven't really. No.

We used to do this thing growing up when anybody would walk into a party, it was like a thing that the whole party would stop and be like, woo! And just freak out. People just get ovations? That's great. And it made everybody walk in like, well, this is fucking tight. Yeah. They're just into the party right out of the gate. Everyone's welcome.

Yeah, yeah. The people who've been welcomed here today, Sean Jordan. What's up? Podcast favorite, at Sean S. Jordan. Yeah. How are you doing? I'm doing great, man. Yeah.

Yeah. You look good. I appreciate it. What do you got to plug? This is coming out this week. Anything coming up? Live, all fantasy, everything at Portland. It's at?

In Portland. In Portland at the Bossa Nova. At the Bossa Nova Ballroom. We're working on trying to find individual tickets for it, but it's part of the festival. Yeah. So I don't know exactly how to do that. I think you just stand in line. I think there's going to be plenty of room if you stand in line.

Yeah. And if not, we'll have to come back at a later date. Yeah. Or we just, you know, kick the wall. I mean, there's tons of stuff we could do. Wait, were you going to say kick the wall down? Yeah, yeah. Kick, it's right on Burnside,

so if we kick down that big wall. Shut down traffic on Burnside. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's called for. And then loot afterwards. I think that's called for. Loot some of those boutiques.

We could go to the Trey Lounge across the street. Gift jewelry. That was actually, my rapping name was Loot Boutique. Loot Boutique would be such a good rapping name. That was actually my rapping name was Lute Boutique. Lute Boutique would be such a good rapper name. Yeah. He would be great.

Lute Boutique. He would be great at it. The LBLP. I wouldn't be great at it. David would be great. I would not be great at being Lute Boutique. You could be Lute Boutique.

You could be Lute Boutique. You get like some gold sneakers. Yeah. Some of those Jeremy Scott crazy ones with the wings. Yeah, like the crazy wings. Gold sneakers. Dude, I saw L Jeremy Scott crazy ones with the wings. Yeah, like the crazy wings.

Gold sneakers. Dude, I saw Luke Boutique the other day. He had wings on his sneakers. He was doing that Young Thug thing where he wore a beautiful dress. You guys are selling me. Yeah. I'm sold. Yeah, man.

Jeff, get your Jeffrey on. I saw Luke Boutique kickflip a three-stair one time. Get off me. I saw it. Luke Boutique. Luke Boutique primarilyflip a three-stair one time. Get off me. I saw it. Loot Boutique. Loot Boutique primarily travels via zipline. That's like the main way he gets around. That's the only travel he knows.

Yeah, it's really hard for me to get to Bozeman. They don't have a zipline from LA, so it's hard. So I haven't played in Bozeman for a while. You got to zipline to Chicago and just jump off and use your parachute. And then you got to army crawl from Chicago to Bozeman. Those are the only two things. You can just take a horse-drawn carriage your other four-year transportation. Oh, absolutely. Like it looks like a pumpkin.

Yeah. Sleeping Cinderella style. Sleep in Cinderella. She slept. She didn't. Does she sleep? Every now and then. Everybody sleeps. But don't sleep on her. And don't sleep on our next guest. King. They will bury this man a legend. Unless I want you to. What do you think about that? Sleep on me don't know don't sleep on amy miller

why not on a couch every now and then yeah yeah everybody's stash of pizza i never know if i'm supposed to speak before i've been introduced or just hold my breath on this podcast you can but i know what you mean on other podcasts now i know for the future you always want to wait until until the like the host looks at you yeah and you that. Because I've had people flip out on me. Can you really? Yeah. So I just wait. That's why you gotta start carrying a gun. Yeah, that's the perfect situation.

If it was pointed at you, you would have introduced me sooner. You would have been first. And then again last. I don't let you intro. Yeah. My podcast now. Amy Miller. Add Amy Miller on Twitter intro. My podcast now. Amy Miller. Hello. Add Amy Miller on Twitter, right?

Yeah, just Amy Miller. Just Amy Miller. Yeah. What's going on? What's going on with you? What do you have to plug coming up? Anything fun? What's going on?

I just got back from Omaha. I'm still recovering. Yeah. What are you recovering from specifically? From how lame Omaha is? There's nothing to do there but drink, really. Sean hates Omaha. I don't like it from how lame Omaha is. There's nothing to do there but drink, really. Sean hates Omaha. And we did comedy.

If anybody here lives in Omaha and they're listeners, it's nothing against you specifically. It's more like my aunt. It's your parents. It just looks like the whole town isn't finished yet. Everything's like half done. Huge parking lots everywhere with crabs and weeds in them. I don't know.

You love Omaha. I love Omaha. I have a good time there. I have a great time. The two times I've been. Yeah. He picked it on his city to go to. That's because we both like to get down with dirt freaks.

Yeah. I love dirt freaking. We like to drink with dirt freaks, and that's pretty much our only- I'm dirt freaking every single weekend. Definition of a good time. These pick up a rock in Omaha for the two of you drinking some Cuddy Sock on it. Yeah. Sometimes I wash my hands with it. drinking some Cuddy Sock on me. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes I wash my hands with it.

Yeah. Cuddy Sock. Where can people see you perform next? What are some dates? Oh, May 10th, I'll be in Chicago at North Bar. Oh, cool. And I really want people to come to that.

Yeah. We have listeners in Chicago. Go check that out. Yeah. And then I'll be at the Laugh Factory that weekend. And then I'll be at Bridgetown, too, doing shows. Yeah.

Come see all of us. You're going to be there, David? No. Oh, that's tragic. No, I'm turning 30. I got some moves. Yeah. Oh, my God.

I cannot believe you're turning 30. If one thing could make me want to miss Bridgetown, that's it. That's really it. If they were like, Ian, you want to do Conan again? I'd be like, no, it's Bridgetown. But David's 30th. Let's just say your boy found out that Tisha Campbell owns a bar. What?

Oh, you guys are going? You're doing it? Yeah, and she performs every Friday. Oh, my God. Are you serious? Yep, in North Hollywood. My first Bridgetown I wasn't even on. I just, David got on, and we just hijacked it.

Yeah, we pounded beers in that shower. In the shower? We did pound beers in a shower. Because it was such a nice hotel room. Was it a big shower? We were shotgunning, so we had to go to the bathroom. It feels like so long ago. You were so young then, now you're 30.

Now I'm 30. That's crazy, dude. We can still pound beers in the shower. Oh, we'll never stop. I've shotgunned a beer recently. I bet I'm 35. I don't think it's ever stopping. I'm not good at it, but I can still try. Well, it's fun, you know. You can shotgun anything, really. Can you?

I suppose. You're determined enough. I guess so. You can bong anything. Yeah, I saw a guy beer bong a bottle of red wine once. Wow. Andrew Moore. Amy knows him.

Oh, he would. He would bong a red wine for sure. He was always wearing a Hawaiian shirt. It was crazy. Party shirt. You think that's the party you want to be at i don't know you're like oh this is liquor i would want to be at the party where somebody does it with liquor because i don't but red wine seems like such a weird perversion yes it was too decadent yeah it is too decadent it's like all thick and fucking on a pillow being up by four dudes? It felt like we were a bunch of French riders up in that alley. That would be so weird.

I'm trying to think of how much red wine I've drank, even like guzzling. I've had lots of red wine. What about the Carlo Rossi, the jug? As a Frenchman with a mustache. It's hard to slam. That's why they have the circle in the jug. You flip it back, rest it on the crook of your elbow. Scruggs, Scruggs, Scruggs, Scruggs.

You can crush a sangria pretty easily, though. It's more of a glug. Scruggs. David Borey is that voice you've heard. Hey, hey. Returning. The champ is here. What was that?

The champ is here. I've never heard you say that in your life. Hey, hey. I don't know. I got excited. Every show, we all kind of workshop a different little thing. Yeah, the 30-year-old David thing. Just these insane intros. Yeah. Hey, hey. I don't know. I got excited. Every show, we all kind of workshop a different little thing. Yeah, the 30-year-old David thing. It's these insane intros.

Yeah. Hey, hey. I'm trying on stuff. I'm trying new hats on. The G is silent. At the G is silent. At the G is silent. What do you got coming up?

Anything fun? I am going to be headlining St. Lawrence University. Oh. Playboy. In Canton, New York with Marcela Arguello on Friday. The homies. The homies. Those lucky students.

We got to fly to Canada first. That's going to be a buck trip. Yeah, you got to fly to Canada and drive down. Wow. It's that close to the border. That's crazy to me. So you're going to have to

cross the border twice. Yes. And then there's once to get in, I guess. You'll have to go through customs in Canada. Yeah, but I'm leaving from the same guess. But you'll have to go through customs in Canada. Yeah, but I'm leaving from the same airport. And then again in America.

It's an international flight, so you're going to have to go through customs in LAX, get to Canada, cross the border into the States in a car, go back across the border in a car, and then customs again. That's a strange conversation, too. Like, what business do you have in Canada? You're like, I'm going to New York. What business do you have in Canada? Your proximity to America? Look out. That is so fishy.

These are problems that me and Pitbull have. That is fishy. The two Mr. Worldwides. I just found out that was his nickname like a month ago. He's Mr. Worldwide. You're Dr. Worldwide. Yeah. Oh, my God.

PhD. Dr. Worldwide could do anything. I feel like he's the one they're going to look to to save the world. Like, save us, Dr. Worldwide. Yeah! Oh my God! PhD. Doctor Worldwide could do anything. I feel like he's the one they're going to look to to save the world. Like, save us, Doctor Worldwide! Doctors Without Borders should rebrand to Doctor Worldwide. It's such a better name. What if they accidentally did? They should have these fly-like, they never wear a tie, you know what I mean?

Pitbull style. I feel like Doctor Worldwide looks like Murphy Brown, but she's wearing, you know, the Justice Lady robe? Oh, yeah. She's wearing that robe, and she could save us. I like that look. Yeah. Dr. Worldwide. Today, as you may have read in the description of this podcast, unless you just go in naked, you just don't care.

I like it when they're raw dog. Yeah, right into the torture rack. Just right into the torture rack. Let me take you down to the low post, put you in the torture rack in a dizzying combination of post moves. We're drafting condiments. Somebody may have suggested this one. I don't remember. Shout out to you, whoever you are.

You're special to all of us. But I think it's going to get heated. I'm excited. Why do you think it's gonna get heated I'm excited why do you think it's gonna get heated I think there's I think there's I think there are definitely there's a top tier

of condiments yeah and then I think there's some garbage condiments oh the streets but there's none of them I don't want there's some I don't

I got a few and you're gonna hear about them if you take it I got a few I don't fuck with I will mix like four wildly different condiments sometimes. On one salad. Give me a hot dog, dude.

It's like ketchup, mustard, maybe like a- Stop saying condiments. I screwed up. I didn't mean to do that. Jesus Christ. I think we all knew about those two. Yeah, yeah. Sorry.

Yeah, sorry. My heart's beating fast right now because I just screwed up. Chugged on pale. Seriously, I'm nervous right now. I didn't mean to do that. I'm telling you, stakes is high. I don't think anyone would do that. And you guys put something on those stakes.

Talk amongst yourselves. You guys talk amongst yourselves while I reel my shit back in. Wait, wait, wait. First though, what kind of draft is it, Ian? It's a serpentine draft. And that's like a snake sort of? Yeah, it's sort of a snake. If you have the fourth pick in the first round, you also have the first pick in the second

round. Okay. Serpentine. All right, I'm in the second round. Serpentine. Alright, I'm starting to get it. Serpentine draft. I'm starting to get it. So what we're going to do here is determine the draft order through a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors. Play between the three of you. You go on shoot.

And you guys understand the rules. Alright, here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot! Game on! David Borey wins. The right hand, they call the gun. You moved seats. They call the gun? Sometimes.

I like that. Doctor Worldwide. Doctor Worldwide. You moved seats and the luck went with you. Dude, I make my own luck. Might be your new seat. Like Shaquille O'Neal said at Blue Chips. He says, oh, yeah.

I'll make my own luck. That's going to be about 35 racks. What order would you like to go in the comedy draft? Again, it is a serpentine draft. Serpentine draft. Because I think it is going to get heated and crazy. We're a bunch of wild crazy. I got to go first on this one.

I would have to. This is a deck, and the only thing in there is a wild card. There's 52 wild cards in this deck. I'm already so mad about anything you pick. Oh, it's going down today. Who do you want to go second? I think Amy's going to go second. Amy Millar?

I think Sean. No, I think Ian's going to go next. You're a fucking dickhead. Sean Jordan's going to anchor me back. Fuck Sean Jordan. Because I know you live in Condiment City. You fucking dickhead. Sean Jordan's going to anchor me back. Fuck Sean Jordan. Because I know you live in Condiment City. You're a condiment man. He is a condiment man.

He's a sauce boss. He's given two condiments in a row. A sauce boss. But he has two condiments after we take the initials off. I have a sauce box with a soft spot for the sauce box. I'd love it if you guys picked those two that I already gave away. I just feel like you were going to hit the top ones, so we had to neutralize that. Now I'm going to hit Dr. Worldwide right in the face for making me go last.

Come at me, baby. Where? Where are you going to punch? I'm 80% water, Sean. With the first pick of the All Fantasy Everything condiment draft, David Borey. All right. First, I just want to say that a condiment is a spice, sauce, or preparation

that is added to food. I feel like you're about to do something crazy, otherwise you wouldn't say that. I looked it up, too. You want a particular flavor to enhance its flavor or in some cultures to complete the dish. In some cultures to complete the dish. That's why

I go with my first pick, bacon. Bacon! No! No, David. It's a garnish! What? Bacon bits? What's the difference? They're not made of bacon, usually. What about real

bacon crumbles, then? I would give you bacon grease over bacon, because you can cook in that. When is it not a garnish? Besides with eggs, when is bacon? You throw it on top of shit. Yes, you throw cucumbers on top of shit. That's not a condiment. It's a garnish.

Man, bacon is a condiment. No. Bacon bits. Tell me one point where you use condiments that you couldn't put bacon in. You got to start saying bacon bits. Laying it over? So many. Like a salad? Like all of them.

Actually, this is an interesting point now that I think about it. Now let's really get the wheels turning. Now let's really get the wheels turning. It's just diced up food. You could put it on a hot dog, hamburger. You could put it on a salad, but it doesn't make it a condiment necessarily. You could use it in place of sprinkles. You could use it in place of hot dog hamburger. You could put it on a salad, but it doesn't make it a condiment necessarily. You could use it in place of sprinkles.

You could use it in place of hot sauce. You can use it in place of mustard. Everywhere condiments go, bacon goes. It's just a food, though. It is just like a food. Sauce isn't a food. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's a condiment.

You didn't say bacon sauce. No, I'm saying bake in. I mean, obviously, you guys want to kick me out for my radical ideas. I don't want to kick you out for your radical ideas. I got a full list. This is a rumor about growth. That's what's going on in here. Is ham a condiment, David?

Is ham a condiment? I'm not putting ham on top of cupcakes. It's the same. Someone does. What could you put bologna on? Yeah. Because that's not bacon. It's not the fried of cupcakes. It's the same. Someone does. What could you put bologna on? Yeah. Because that's not bacon. It's not the fried crispy ends.

It's a texture. It's a texture most of the time. That's a compelling argument. Amy's so pissed. I knew she was going to be. I knew you were all going to be. You could have picked this fifth because I don't think any of us would have been this road.

But I do respect your ability to just- I had to start it strange. I was ready to cross off. It's not a door that you don't want to kick open. I like that about you. Now we can go any... We can do anything. I'm compelled.

I will leave it up to a vote between the two of you. I'm okay with it. Such a trendy food for you to pick, too. It's embarrassing. It is trendy. Amy's mad because she knows I'm trying to charm my way through this. Yeah. I've known you for a while. Yeah, yeah's embarrassing. It is trending. Amy's mad because she knows I'm trying to charm my way through this thing. Yeah. I've known you for a while.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She knows my whole... This is how you operate everywhere. Bacon is food. Bacon is food. But you're not giving me... You use it as condiments

all the time. Here's my thing. I wouldn't sit down and eat... I already said this. I wouldn't sit down and eat a bowl of ketchup, but I've sat down and eaten a whole plate of bacon.

Oh, so it's my fault that you have strange habits? I gotta worry about that? I don't think there's a bowl of ketchup eaters out here. Oh, my Twitter fans listen. You can't go to... If you go to a restaurant and you order bacon, it's not free or even like 35 cents in a ramekin the way other companies would. What about guacamole?

You need something to put in it. I'm saying when you go, when you, you don't, you've never eaten a spoonful of guacamole. No. No more, granted I screwed it up. I screwed it up out of the gate,

but no more mentioning any other condiments. Okay, I'm sorry. I think that's a good rule though. If it's something that you could eat on its own, it's not a condiment. All right, fine. Although a lot of my- All right, AOLA. rule though if it's something that you could eat on its own it's not a condiment all right fine although a lot of all right the bacon debate happened and i just appreciate the scrimmage i don't care all right fine i'm like right you i just want the fight aioli i'm gonna get down

that was all right finally does aioli eliminate the other thing that it obviously is? No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, let's not. Aioli is olive oil and it's olive and lemon based. Okay, I didn't know you were a chef now. I told you I looked stuff up. I looked stuff up for you. This is already the most controversial episode ever.

As soon as he sent me the text that said it's condiments, I knew that we were going toward him. We are. I feel like you were going to start with bacon no matter what topic he sent you. There's no way to prove that. Aoli's dope. Aoli is really good. It's really caught on in the last 15, 20 years. Aoli

is the hip hop of condiments. Sure, there's people in Oklahoma that have never heard of Aoli. They're just getting aioli. They're sitting down at Ruby Tuesday and they're like, what the hell is this? Now, honey, I think somebody J-O'd all over this burger. I'm not thrilled about it.

I'm going to let you sit in that. Or I am thrilled about it. I like how many vowels there are in a row to start the word out. I admire that. That like how many vowels there are in a row to start the word out. That word is mostly vowels. A-E-O-L-I. It's four out of five vowels. It's a good Scrabble word. I never even thought about that.

You always get excited when you see that they take the time to say aioli and not the other white one. You know you're spending like seven more dollars on that hamburger. But it's going to be a brioche situation. You might going to be a brioche situation. You might walk yourself into a brioche situation. Or maybe on some type of ciabatta.

Yeah. And if it's like a chipotle aioli. Oh, man. Oh, it's good. Oh, yeah. I like smoky flavors. Mm-hmm. I know.

That's a good pick. It is. That's a good pick. Yeah. I do like smoky stuff. But also, just out there in TV land, wrap your head around the bacon thing. Well, you could have a bacon-flavored aioli. That's definitely a condiment.

Common. Definitely. A bacon aioli. That is a condiment. Yes, it's a food item, so you can put it in other stuff. Yeah, but imagine sitting there eating a whole bowl of aioli. Bacon aioli? Bowl aioli.

Bowl aioli sounds like a recruit for the Oregon football team from American Samoa. Can I just say, I don't like how casually we're talking about eating a bowl of bacon. Like, that's not kind of crazy. I've seen people eat. When I went to Southern Oregon University for one, count them, one year before transferring to Portland State in the real city. Sure. There was a guy who we would like see in the kitchen or not in the kitchen, in the cafeteria. Yeah, yeah, yeah. a guy who we would like see in the in the kitchen or not in the kitchen in the cafeteria yeah just

because you like paid for breakfast once and then you could like have as much food as you want you swiped right yeah you swiped and this dude would just house insane amounts of bacon so bacon damn for sure dude you can go to wisconsin bars and they'll just give you a basket of it i was at a club in scottsdale this weekend in omaha. Really? I was at a club in Scottsdale. I made a bunch of bacon this weekend in Omaha. Yeah, I mean, I was at a club in Scottsdale a couple years ago and a menu option was a pound of bacon. Jesus. And I, you know, I got it.

Yeah. Because it was free. You ate a pound of bacon? Yeah. Before doing comedy? After doing comedy. I was going to say. No, I don't know what's false. Can you imagine eating a pound of bacon and then going to do anything when you're in front of people? I would have just started in the bathroom. I'd just let it ride till the morning.

I cooked a pound of bacon for the comics in Omaha. This weekend, I was beloved by the whole house. Sure. Imagine if I handed him a bowl of aioli. Oh, hey, you guys drunk and hungry? Here's a bowl of aioli. I just want to say this is what they said to the Wright brothers when they took the vlog. Just kidding, here's some food.

They screamed at the Wright brothers like, that's an airplane, that's not a condiment. Eat it. You can't put that plane on a burger. Aioli. After a controversial first pick. After the bad boy, I'm like the John McEnroe of this podcast.

Clayton was announced ineligible. I don't know, maybe the third time only. Yeah. I can't believe I couldn't slide in bacon, but we let old sampler platter get away with it. Well, Shane, you know. You know, Shane's different. You want to compare yourself to Shane openly?

Is that what you just did? Yeah. He's special. You just got to let him do stuff. He mentioned how we, I was at the Moontower Comedy Festival with him this weekend and he was there. What did he say about how we rip on him?

He loves it. He loves when we rip on him. But that could have been some sort of like mental thing. Maybe he's like, you know, trying to fuck with me. Well, no, he's not there yet. We'll see him for a platter. Treachery is not on that platter. Amy Miller, it is time for your first pick, the second pick of the condiment draft. All right.

Well, I feel like this could also be controversial. Really? I don't know, but I want to be true to who I am. And just say butter. Butter? Right out of the gate. Butter is a condiment. It's an ingredient and a condiment. Also something. I kind of see it as an ingredient. We have a challenge

flag on the field. You don't just dip your bacon in butter and call it a day. Have you ever been to a Red Lobster, David? Or had an artichoke? All I'm saying is, remember when I go to make eggs and I grease the pan with ketchup? No, you don't. You use butter because it works better. It's almost like you two got a history.

Because it's not a condiment. It's like oil. Are we picking olive oil now? You're just being a dick. Definitely butter is a condiment. You put it on top of stuff? I'm just fighting the fight. Put it on a pancake?

What do you put it on besides bread? A pancake. Yeah, you can put it on waffles. You can put it on this. You dip an artichoke in it. What is an artichoke? You can melt melted butter goes on lobster, right? Am I wrong? What the fuck is an artichoke? Melted butter, lobster, don't you do that?

You got to. Although, loophole, this is one of the condiments I have eaten just with a spoon. I have too. As a spoon i have two as a child same here i used to get into the country crock pretty hard my mom caught me one night fridge open footy pajamas fully fully decked out in footy pajamas mustache yeah same mustache though just just cute as a button stick of butter not even the country oh yeah stick of butter sometimes yeah in the mouth just having one of the probably one of the best days of my

life even that's what i did too we were destined to be friends yeah yeah yeah all of us were just eating butter at a young age yep yeah i mean fuck egg of waffles up oh yeah we knew how to live life at a very young age i think that should be be committed. Yeah. Now I'm proud of it. But when I was in high school, my sisters would like to tell, you know, any potential suitors or friends that I wasn't. That you love to eat butter? Yeah.

Damn, that's hard. Just that I used to eat hunks of butter. Do they have a nickname for you or anything? They're bitches. Old butter hunks. I don't know. Bitches. Old butter hunks.

Butterface. They. That meant a different thing, I think. Do you know about this bulletproof coffee? What? No. It's a kind of coffee that they put butter in, and it's supposed to help with mental clarity. Really?

And stuff like that. Oh, yeah. It's all the craze down at Erewhon, the bullshit super whole foods right by my work. I understand that, because can I tell you guys if we're all sharing strange butter secrets yeah yeah i read it on the back of a pack of cider one time yeah i used to put butter in hot cider oh yeah that is good well hot buttered rum is a thing yeah is there butter in that yeah yeah i thought it was just yeah i don't i don't know what it is gosh is it just hot rum and butter? I think there's some spices in it.

Okay, yeah. So this is what they say, Bulletproof Coffee. Bulletproof Coffee is a branded coffee drink consisting of upgraded, I put quotes, black coffee blended with grass-fed butter, and then, again in quotes, brain octane oil. What? An eight-carbon fraction of median chain triglyceride oil. Whatever the fuck that is. Well, golly. I got to try that.

Yeah. Okay, yeah. Butter. That's solid. Man. That is a solid pick. That is a solid pick. Worldwide.

Butter is worldwide. Everybody loves it. And that's coming from Dr. Worldwide over there. Yeah, I'm senor worldwide. Are you a salted butter person? I never know the difference. What is the difference? It depends on what I'm making.

I've never heard the term salted butter. Not if I'm baking. Unsalted salted. But just to put on stuff, unsalted butter. Yeah. But if you're baking salted, right? Yeah. Because you've got to get that texture. what is your favorite way to eat butter now spoon spoon straight up spoon just a bigger spoon than

when i was a kid um probably just on like a nice hot french bread yeah oh it's just a simple what about like a blueberry muffin i could see that that. That's really good with butter on it. I usually just leave that well enough alone. All jokes aside, I don't butter muffins. I don't butter muffins either. If it's like a bran muffin, something that's not very exciting, feel like you're being healthy, just throw some butter on it. You'll feel better. I remember always seeing them butter muffins on commercials as a kid.

Yeah. And I always thought it was weird. I was always like, that's crazy. Oh, you know what butter's dope on is an English muffin. Oh, yeah, yeah. Or if you go to a barbecue place and get like a corn muffin or cornbread. Oh, yeah. You know what else butter's really good on?

Steak. Oh, yeah, they do butter steak. It looks like you're on my side now. They do butter steak. That's like the secret in restaurants is they just slather that shit in butter. I didn't know this. They just sit in the back with a broom

and a big vat of butter and they're just like get it out of here. A lot of people don't know Wolfgang Puck actually started out butter brooming. He was a butter broomer.

And then he worked his way up. Old butter broomer. Old butter brooming Puck is a person. The Puck was the butter. He was pushing it around. Him and Tyler the creator.

And that was the Wolfgang came from. They used to call him Wolfgang of that butter. Whole gang of that butter. All right, butter. It's an innovative pick. Fuck, now it's on me already. Not really. Man. You two geniuses over there that's crazy the first two i'm afraid to go with something like traditional those

neither one of those picks would have been on on my list if we had 30. yeah i mean well i had uh i had aioli oh yeah i guess i was still thinking about bacon but i definitely wouldn't have picked bacon i also think because that's a food. I also think I'm still wilding out from the Star Spangled Banner. You might be. You were giving a line of credit from that one for people loving it. Yeah, I just bought a Ferrari I couldn't afford. I heard about that. We told Doug Benson about it last night.

Yeah, Ian brought it up. On the podcast, maybe? I can't believe it. On the podcast, yeah. So now your Star Spangled Banner pick has jumped podcasts. It'll be on Doug Loves Movies later this week. The worry is that now I've got to be that guy. I've got to be Star Spangled guy.

I'm living different. I heard about it just in the grapevine. See? Face to face someone told me about it. I haven't even heard the podcast. I had cousins calling me. I hadn't talked to them in years. Like, you know this David Borey guy?

Who is this guy? The guy that thinks he runs the world over here? With my first pick, I'm going to go with ranch dressing. Damn. Can I ask you a question about ranch? Yes. I was talking to somebody about this. Okay. Do you feel like somewhere around the mid-90s, there was a concentrated push for us to love ranch?

Yes, absolutely. That's when I saw it on pizza. Yeah. Okay, because I think it wasn't before, and then there was a time, and all these Hidden Valley commercials popped up. And it was like, ranch was cool. Ranch was everywhere. I wanted to live in that Hidden Valley. You didn't want to live there. You can't. It's a secret. You can't. Yeah, it is. No ranch was like cool. Ranch was everywhere. I want to live in that hidden valley. You didn't want to live there.

You can't. It's a secret. You can't. Yeah, it is. No one's found it. They're using drones now. And the people who live there have never seen humans before. They all have AR-15s.

It's like that town in that movie, Big Fish. Is that too deep of a cut? No, no, no. It's great. I feel like also that's around when we were making a lot of packet foods, maybe just at my house, but we were mixing up ranch. Oh, I'd never done that before. Mixing up pestos, mixing up sauces with a quinoa.

Did you ever? Is that how you pronounce that? What's a quinoa? No, I don't know what you mean. Quinoa? Quinoa? It's that brand of spice packets that turn into sauces. Oh, I've seen those.

Because it's like a dollar, and then you have a bucket of ranch. Or like gravy. Did you ever put the ranch on chicken, the powder? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. We were cooking with it. Yeah. Put it on everything.

I'll fuck ranch up on a ranch on pizza, salad. Oh, yeah. Sandwiches, I'll go nuts. That's the only way I fuck potato tots. Yes. The only thing that can limit your enjoyment of ranch is your own shame. Or when Domino's fucking forgets it, even then you are like, I can't call to get 50 cents back, but I don't like this pizza as much now. You call to make them deliver the ranch.

Well, no. You do? Yeah. Well, I just keep some at the house now because I got fucked over too many times. I don't understand why it is considered so déclassé. I don't know when that happened. Just ranch in general. Ranch is supposed to be like lowbrow.

Buttermilk and spices. It's delicious. What's wrong with that? Nothing. It's fantastic. It's not grand for you, but neither is duck a l'orange or aioli. Or aioli, yeah. Or bacon. That's ranch's problem too many consonants

ranch it does actually trust the hard r ranch i remember the first dude aaron smith we saw him putting ranch on a pizza when we were like 15 yeah and we we made fun of him for like weeks because he was doing that you idiot he. And he was an innovator. But he was the first kid. I swear, the first kid in the state of South Dakota, because I lived in the biggest city in South Dakota. So he could have been the first kid in the whole state to give it a shot. If he was the first kid in South Dakota to put ranch on pizza, he might have been the

first person to ever do that. South Dakota feels like a ranch-ass place. Yeah. We could have found Ranch Ground Zero just now. Yeah. Patient Zero. Ranch Patient Zero. Or Ambeef Zero, dude.

It could have been Aaron Smith. Yeah. Could have been. But he had a good idea. That's the perfect name for a guy who was the first person to do that, too. Yeah, that sounds like the first two. It's real down the middle road. What I like about ranch is it turns the crust of a pizza into a breadstick that I can dip

in a ranch. Yep. a pizza into a breadstick that I can dip in a ranch. Yep. I used to make a lot of just ranch and like American slices of cheese sandwiches as a kid. Oh, no bread? Just, no, Wonder Bread, one slice of cheese, bunch of ranch. There's no problem with that.

Maybe a pickle. This feels like it's turning into like an Overeaters Anonymous meeting. Just the tanner of it. I feel like we're confessing. After that, I would go suck in butter straight out of the tub. I was sucking butter. Bunch of butter bodies, just.

I'd go take a bath in an empty bathtub. Well, I mean, if you are, if you're poor, though, like, condiments are the only things left a lot of the time. Yeah. So it's like, you gotta be innovative. You really do.

I put all of these things in ramen noodles oh yeah I put ranch on spaghetti yeah back when you have a lot of spaghetti but you open the fridge and there's not a lot of options in there and you're like I can't put this old apple juice on it

so I guess it's the ranch go ahead and be a little fucked up see what's happening then it's not even that big of a deal of course I'm gonna's the ranch. Go ahead and be a little fucked up. See what's happening, too. Then it's not even that big of a deal. You're like, yeah, of course I'm going to put the ranch on the spaghetti. We used to, when I was living in the Clinton Street House in Portland, it was like 99 Centotino pizzas. By the amount of shit we would put on there,

ranch and then some other stuff that I'm sure will come up later. It would turn into a feast. It was like that imagination scene from Hook all of a sudden. We had just this amazing array of food. Just because, again, the only limit was our own shame. And we were already ashamed of ourselves. We were four 22-year-old dudes living together, you know? I love putting aftermarket parts on market foods.

Yes! You have to. Like churching up those Totino's. Oh my gosh. It's like putting a spoiler on your fucking glass packs on your Datsun. Yeah. Dude, I had a guy come over to my house the other day and he came with the thing of potato salad and he just immediately walked into my house and he was like, hey, you guys got

mayonnaise and hot sauce? I'm going to hurt this potato salad up. Stop saying condiments. More condiments. It was Chris Riggins. I believe that part of the story. He would just he came

he brought the potato salad but then he came to my house like hoping that we had the after like you don't bring it in like hey you wanna put rims on my dachshund

it makes you feel like you're doing okay that is bold to stroll into another person's house and do it I remember was it Phil Schallberger at our house

yes yeah me and Shane and I were living together in the Ash Street place Phil Schallberger came over person's house and do it i remember was it phil shalberger at our house yes am i yeah it means when shane and i were living together in the ash street place phil shalberger came over and didn't he just start like making food or what was the story he got up he just stands up and he's going through the cupboards and shane like leans just picture it shane leans back on the couch and looks into the kitchen he goes phil what are you doing buddy and phil's like i'm looking for bread see if you have anything to eat and shane goes gotta you gotta ask uh he goes you can have some bread but you gotta ask and

Phil's like well I wanted to make sure you had it before I asked and we're like that's weird he'll go right into your cupboards we all love oh yeah but he goes right in there it was gnarly though Shane's like you gotta ask man he goes oh no I wanted to see if you had bread first and we're like odd yeah odd way to odd odd way to uh he's got he's got tis better to beg forgiveness than ask permission on written on his stomach and vegan uh so there it is ranch it's such a better show than the ashton kutcher project that shares the same name such a good i mean oh i love the uh sean jordan all right i see you over there excited yeah i'm thrilled so my first you got excited when i picked ranch because it means i left something

on the table and i'm disappointed in myself well i mean i can't wait to just tear apart whatever you're about to pretty much i i don't believe anybody didn't pick this but it's going to be sriracha it's going to be yeah my first pick hipster hot sauce there you go that uh churches up your ramen i didn't even know what sriracha was until years of living in Portland. And now when I watch movies and stuff, like from the mid-90s, there's sriracha on the tables. I had no idea what it was. It's been there the whole time. Have you guys known what it was for your whole life?

I didn't fuck with it. Yeah, we had it in the home, in the Carmel home. Did you really? Yeah. My mom would have. I never even saw it. Call it rooster sauce. Rooster sauce, yeah.

I thought it was called rooster sauce for a long time. Yeah. Well, a lot of people did, right? You just saw it at crappy Chinese restaurants. I never saw it. But I don't know when it started to be something that I just needed to have on everything I eat. But it's... Because that's another condiment that takes you from like, I'm really broke and I feel bad to this is great ramen.

Well, that's kind of an expensive condiment. And things are okay. Is sriracha expensive? That's like five, four bucks. It lasts forever. You get like a torpedo full of it. It's a chug. You only need one squirt.

Two if it's Friday. I use a bunch though. It's annoying because I go through a bottle pretty quick. You do use a lot of it because regular listeners of this podcast will know Homeboy puts it on salad listeners of this podcast will know. Homeboy puts it on salad. It goes on almost everything. The more I campaign against hot sauce on salad,

the more I learn that that's like a normal thing for a lot of people. Yeah, you're just wrong. And I'm the weird one. Sean was so excited when he saw me put hot sauce on my salad. I got through. Amy's a hot sauce on the salad person. Marissa, do you put hot sauce on salad? Producer Marissa?

You don't. No, she's right. She said, oh, God, no. You leave her alone. It sauce on salad? Producer Marissa. You don't. Don't. No, she's right. She said, oh God, no. It's not that big of a deal. She's right. It is an oh God, no thing. Is it crazy?

I was, oh God, no. It's just like vinegar. It's like vinegar. It's vinegar and spice. It's vinegar and like chili. Yeah. Well, yeah. Break it down.

Maybe the vinegar, if you mix it with oil, then yeah, okay, delicious. Or not delicious, acceptable if you're on a diet. But like... It just makes, like you can just get lettuce, like if you just get some loose romaine lettuce, and if you're really trying to not eat shit, you know, you can just have the lettuce and some hot sauce, and there it is.

There's a little kick. Yeah. Put some sriracha on it, now it's a meal. You feel full afterwards, you got some flavor in there, but there's like zero calories because it's water and fucking sriracha that you're eating, basically. No. Sean Jordan diet plan. Named after the coastal city of Sriracha in Chonburi province of Eastern Thailand.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. It is made out of chili peppers, distilled vinegar, garlic, sugar, and salt. And it is so fucking good. It's supposed to stink real bad, right? Like the factories? I heard it's fucking up the town. Yeah, the factory where they made it tried to shut it down.

Really? They're like, we have children. Was that real or was that just a thing to get us all stuck up on Sriracha? Because it worked. It did. It did work. I'm going to go buy some after this. It really did.

That is so smart. Wait, hold on. Let me look it up because I think it i think it really did happen yeah look up sriracha town i wanted it on my list so bad it's written on here twice um now that you picked it the other thing we would put on those tostinos it would be like ranch and then sriracha yeah and that didn't matter what else was on there no no it's the best irwindale is where they make it. Irwindale, California? Irwindale, California. Where is it? Could we go there?

Yeah, there's been a number of... Yeah, they said they... In 2013 fall, the city of Irwindale tried to halt production at the factory, arguing that it created a public nuisance and that the strong chili odor was making residents sick. What? You can't take the spice, get out the kitchen. I'd like to look at their diets and see, like, what's making you sick for real?

Yeah. And on top of that, take one for your team, Irwindale. You know, there were people up in, like, Bellingham, Washington, getting cancer from the battleships they made for WWII, the big one. Meanwhile, you can't take one on the chin because it smells like chili outside so the rest of the country can enjoy themselves? Grow the fuck up, Irwindale. I want to hear someone call it the big war in real life

so bad. So what were your 20s like? Well, you know, I fought in the big war. Ron Benner, my mother's father, called it WW2 the big one. Oh my god, that is so cool. The big one. Sounds like a wrestling match. Yeah, it really does. WW2 the big one. The big god. That is so cool. The big one. Sounds like a wrestling match.

Yeah, really not. WW2 the big one. The big one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're listening to Stinky and the Weasel on WW2 the big one. Yeah, I love Sriracha. What is your favorite thing to eat at Hot Shot? Oh, I didn't

know you were going to ask me that. I have been known to bring home Taco Bell and put it on the Taco Bell. Interesting. Instead of the fire sauce? Stop naming condiments. Oh, sorry.

Was that on your list? Let's just stop naming any other condiment that hasn't been said. It's a serpentine draft and it's your pick next. You come home and you make fusion food by yourself. Yeah, I do. I'm just like, listen, Taco Bell. I'm going to do you a favor and step your game up for you and put sriracha on it.

Our friend Anthony Lopez calls it sriracha. And I want to rip his fucking throat out every time he does it. That's probably how you say it. But it's one of those things where I'm like, just say sriracha. What does he say? Sriracha. Sriracha, and I want to rip his fucking throat out every time he does it. That's probably how you say it, but it's one of those things where I'm like, just say Sriracha. What does it say? Sriracha. Sriracha. Yeah.

Are you looking at it? How is it spelled? Is it? S-R-I. S-R-I. Yeah, so that's how you say it. It could be right, but. Nobody, it's like the people that say Sriracha.

Well, it's like people that say La Croix. It's like, yeah, it's probably how you say it, but just call it La Croix, you know? Except the company gets to self-identify and they say it's LaCroix. Oh, really? Yeah. On the website. They do. They say, pronounce it as in enjoy.

Oh, enjoy LaCroix. And if we're going to keep name dropping friends, one Joanne Shinderman, who is a stand-up comedian friend of ours from Portland, will say, because it's in a Wisconsin company, and they say LaCroix there. True story. There it is.

But yeah, Sriracha is Sriracha on Taco Bell and I just put it on that like taco burrito that they're flagging as a taco, as in like it's not. Oh, since people do come here for Taco Bell content, go off on that. Yeah. Because I know you have opinions. Preach. It's a beef burrito. They call it

a taco burrito and it's just a beef burrito. That's all it is. It's not a new invention. It's not crispy or anything? Yeah, they got little crispies in there, but that doesn't make it a taco burrito, and it's just a beef burrito. That's all it is. It's not a new invention. It's not crispy or anything? Yeah, they got little crispies in there, but that doesn't make it a taco burrito. Little crispies. Swing and a mix. Swing and a mix. Swing and a mix.

Swing and a miss. Oh, I thought you meant that. Swing and a mix would be cool. Yeah. They're still good. What would the context be? Swing and a mix. Swing and a mix would be like if somebody brought a gross Czech situation to a party.

You know? Yeah, like I put gummy worms in. Swing and a mix. Like a and a mix would be like if somebody brought a gross check situation to a party. You know? Yeah. Like, I put gummy worms in. Swing and a mix. Gummy worms sort of checks mix. Ooh, swing and a mix. Crumbled some bacon on top for you guys. We could write for the Big Bang Theory. I would love that.

I tell you would count the checks. I would love that. So, yes. Sriracha. Sriracha. All right. And since it is a serpentine draft. So, that means I go again.

Because it's sort of like a snake. A snake would go. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to pick gravy. Oh. I didn't even think of gravy. Listen, y'all. Just to be specific, the gravy world is huge. I don't know if you guys are heads.

I feel like you need to say what kind of gravy. If you want to be specific, I picking gravy from dairy queen whoa you can get the white gravy white gravy okay they just that's the only time i've ever used it because you get it with your chicken tender basket and it just it oh it's the best we you want to know something very funny i'd love to front of the program mikeoy. I was just talking to him today. He specifically said he went to Dairy Queen, he got the chicken finger basket, and he hated the gravy. Well, fuck you.

Four hours ago he told me that. I've had it. It's good. I will say, Dairy Queen is one of the highest variants hot eats restaurants. They're cool treats, pretty consistent across the board. But the hot eats, there's a big variance from location to location. Yeah, it is. Short for location.

Well, and also, so there's a difference. There's like a grill and chill is the one that has more food at it. And just a normal Dairy Queen has like a limited menu. Is that true? I think the grill and chill is that's where you get the good food. Like a nice chicken sandwich. Like the better of the hot eats.

You'll do a grill and chill at like a weird beach town. There will be. There's one in like, yeah, in like, I forget which one in Oregon.

But, I don't know how I didn't know about this grill and chill. My friend Steel, the only reason I used to know on Steel used to own, says he owned a grill and chill. We don't,

he might have just worked there. Wait, how long have you known him? How do you not know that he, if he owned it or not? He's been known to tell a tale. Stretch it? Yeah. Tall tale. Like to pull that taffy?

Yeah. He's been known to take a cool treat and turn it into a hot air? Yeah. Yeah. He'll flip it right on its ear. Gravy. So the Dairy Queen gravy specifically. If we're getting specific, yeah.

So specifically white gravy. How could Mike not like it? It's just like butter and flour and pepper. He's from Boston. They don't like to have a good time. What a dick. He's a brick-breaking dipshit. No, I'm kidding.

He's fantastic. He's a contrarian. Yeah. Yeah, gravy. I would never think about that either. I never thought about gravy. But it falls right in there. It does.

When was the last time you had a gravy situation from a dairy queen or even just a good gravy situation while you live in los angeles it's warm weather this is not a warm weather country but i make weird shit remember when you asked me like i tweeted and you're like what are you doing with stuffing in the spring in los angeles yeah because it's cheap so like i did about a month ago i got some of that powder ass gravy and I put it on some like instant mashed potatoes. That was dinner. It was two bucks. It was really good. Yeah, it was really good. I doubt

it was good for me, but you know. It is nice and affordable. It's not the world I'm trying to live in. I guess we had an air conditioner, but Yeah, you can't be eating gravy when it's actively. But I didn't do it inside. I stood right on, right in the Ralph's parking lot screaming and I just poured it in my mouth. That's how I used to eat butter.

Get me out if you want me out. I just kept screaming it. Get me out if you want me out. You don't want me in the parking lot? Then remove me from the parking lot. It's free country. It is like the one thing that I always want my mom to make every time I visit her. Gravy?

Yes. And I don't care how hot it is in Bakersfield. I'm getting that gravy. You know how many people have said that? A lot of people. It's really so good. Let me ask you this. Are you guys a tactical strike gravy person, or do you just sort of pour it over everything?

It goes. It's like napalm on my turkey dinner plate. It's everywhere. Everybody dies. It depends. I think for breakfast, I'll put it on everything, but not for a turkey dinner plate. It's everywhere. Everybody dies. It depends. I think for breakfast, I'll put it on everything, but not for a turkey dinner plate. That's risky. No, me neither. Dude, I'll put it on green beans. Yeah, everything on the plate.

I'm with you guys. For breakfast, I'll put it on all the stuff. Bacon, potatoes, eggs. When do you have it for breakfast? When is there a grape? Oh, yeah. Or biscuits and gravy. Well, I don't know. My family just makes gravy with everything. For breakfast, it well, I don't know. My family just makes gravy with everything. For breakfast, it's good on all that stuff.

Yeah, no, I agree. Like some nice fried potatoes. You don't have to tell us your family made gravy with everything. You picked butter first. We knew. And you can see me. No, please. There we go, gravy.

That's a good move. We used to, man, like, some of my behavior as a younger person. Also now, but. Just drinking gravy? Well, we would just go to, like, there's this place called Sherry's in the Pacific Northwest. Oh, I love Sherry's. I love Sherry's. But we would go, 24-hour situation, and we would go at, like, 1 in the morning.

This was back before we really like i got drunk a lot in high school yeah and intermittently in college but there were a lot of nights where you're just like no i'm not gonna get drunk tonight but we'll be up till four for whatever reason yeah and we would go there and at like one in the morning just get like a full chicken fried steak with like the gravy and like toast and hash browns and all that stuff and just house it back when you could handle that and then go yeah but yeah i would die if i did that at four in the morning now i'd feel like total shit then that'd be the whole week for me we'd be dealing with that emotionally and physically yeah yep uh i can eat anything at any hour can you still hell yeah i

can't do it. Yeah. I'm so aware. Why not? I ate two hot dogs at like 2 o'clock in the morning, and I feel like ass still. Well, yeah, that's what I'm saying. You can't handle it anymore. I always go for the hot dogs when I'm all drunk on the way home.

I could eat trash right now and be fine. I was drunk in Austin over there. You're like a billy goat. I am like a billy goat. I'll eat your shoelaces if you get too close. When you were in Austin? Oh, God. Oh, yeah.

I just had like a, I got, well, I bet the tequila had more to do with it than the Fritos. But I had some Fritos and I was like so bummed out the next day. Yeah. Really? I ate them in bed. Fritos are interesting. When you wake up and there's crumbs in your bed and you're like, come on, dude. I completed it.

I completed the challenge. You got to the end of the game? Just waking up next to, I would honestly end up next to a strange person more so than the Fritos anymore. Just next to an empty Frito bag like, what? It's empty and so are you.

You're like, why are you still here i didn't kick it onto the floor when you're finally sober enough to be aware of your surroundings you roll over and you're a crinkle and you're like i wonder what that bag is forgot to call my fritos an uber last night it's not baby carrots i know that what if you woke up next to a stranger and she was eating fritos then it goes uh it turns around and that's awesome. Then the floor would be occupied by one of my knees, if you know what I mean. Marriage proposal?

Let's do this for life. Marriage proposal. I want to eat Fritos. Because also, you can't get mad at anything I'm doing if that's how you're living your life. I get to skate with a lot of shit. That is a free pass. You set the bar. Now, since David picked it all weird, I forget who's next.

It's me and Carmel. Oh. Yeah. Me and. Me and Carmel. Me and. Me and. Ooh.

And I'm a little conflicted now. I love it. That's the fun. Yeah. Those are the fun drafts. He handed it right at the last second. He handed the piece of paper in. This episode of all fantasy, everything is brought to you by Schedule 35.

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Five. So we should. Yeah, we should. We should face a little bit. No, no. Didn't mean to tip a hand at all on that one. But. God damn it.

God damn it. Ian. I think I'm going to. Damn it. That's official. Damn it. At least we've all said another condom by accident. He's gonna do it.

New York City. I'm gonna pick up the pace. He's gonna do it. Pick up the pace a little bit. Oh, damn it. I didn't even mean to, but I feel like God did that. Yeah. And that's great.

You were touched. Yeah. Yep. Salsa, baby. Salsa's so good. I'm taking salsa. Is salsa too big of a world? No. No way. No, no. Salsa is so good. I'm taking salsa. I love now. Is salsa too big of a world?

No. No way. No, no. Okay, I didn't think so, right? I think it's pretty much like there's, yeah, I only see like one other way that somebody could go and if they decide to do that, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Yeah. But I think salsa is pretty much one thing. It's like aioli.

You can put different ingredients in it. Yeah, and different consistencies too. Yeah. Corn salsa. So I'm just going to say it right now. Pico de Gallo's part of this. That's salsa, too. That's salsa, too. That was the only other direction I was gonna say somebody could go.

And I am a pico de guy. Yo. I love it. I remember seeing a stat somewhere that said salsa was one of the most popular condiments, too. It's great on everything. It's an old Seinfeld joke if that's what you're talking about.

Is it? No, what is the joke? You know why salsa is the most popular condiment, right? Why's that? Because people like to say salsa. Salsa. I like the way that you put the Jerry Seinfeld on there. Because people like to say salsa.

Certain days you can also talk yourself into that being a vegetable on your plate. And I do. And that's not too far flung an idea. What is it? Just tomatoes and onions and cilantro sometimes? Yeah. This kid, the Shan man, he came up and I was sitting in my living room sober, which was rare when I was like 22, but I was sober.

He was blackout drunk. I could tell from the moment he got in the sober. He was blackout drunk. I could tell from the moment he got in the kitchen, he fucked around in the kitchen for a while, went back downstairs. The next day I came, like I came into the kitchen and there were numerous condiments all over the kitchen, all over the kitchen. And he had one of those, so one of those huge jugs of paste, you know, they're like a foot tall. There was like six pieces of bologna in the bottom of it. So, and cause there was like an inch maybe of salsa. So he tried to get his hand in there and like use the bologna to get the salsa out six different times.

I mean, why is the bottle shaped like that? That is ill. The shape of the paste bottle is just cruel because it does seem like you could cram your little hand in it. It really does. It's like Herschel and the Hanukkah Goblins. They're forcing you to use a bowl. That's why they do it. So you accidentally pour more out,

and then you ultimately buy more quicker. Because I am really cavalier when I'm pouring salsa. Oh, yeah. I'll give it one gulp, and that's a lot. For some reason, you don't feel bad about wasting sauce. No.

You really don't. I'll just not use most of it. Any of you ever taken the salsa that you brought to a party back home with you? No. No. What is wrong with you?

I'm just asking to ask. This has two things about you. This has two things about you. The first is, you're the kind of guy who brings salsa home from a party, which is not great. I didn't say I'd done it.

You did it. The first thing it says about you is you're the kind of guy who brings salsa to a party, and that's exactly the best friend that I've come to know and love. He's the generous sort of dude who's like, I'm going to a party, let me bring some salsa. We know he's a conflicted character. He is a conflicted character. but we can't stop loving him all those different wrists that were in there how do you even bring that up you're like all right guys i'm out of here you don't bring it up you just fucking grab it and dip you know you're just're just like, that's the last thing on your way out.

You're like, I'm going to just grab the salsa real quick, and then you get out. Oh, people would never know. And then you just get credit for being so awesome for bringing salsa all the time. That's why everybody likes me. I got all these underhanded moves that I do. I like that. You're a scam artist. I've never even thought of bringing shit back.

No, when I bring it there, it's gone. I'll leave a half full bottle of alcohol somewhere have you ever had somebody come back to your house when they left some shit there like let's say some salsa and they expect it to still be there like they can i had that happen with beers one time when i was like 19 beers are the houses if you leave them there it almost started a fight. We can't even. We're 19, dude. Don't you come back here for your six keystones.

No. Those are the houses. The second you leave. I had a bad. Oh, you might remember this. I had a bad date in Portland once. And this guy, we stopped to buy beer. I bought a six pack of beer.

He comes over. I had to kick him out of my house because he said the N word. Whoa. I remember this on Twitter. He grabbed all the beers. That you bought. I had to kick him out of my house because he said the N-word. And then he grabbed all the beers. That you had bought? Yes. From my home. Wow. And it wasn't even the worst thing

he did that night. It was definitely the second. Yeah. The first was breaking your heart. We love you. I did love him. That's crazy. Yeah. So with salsa,

here's what I think. It's an invention I've had that I even sat down and tried to sketch out once. Like Da Vinci. It's a concave salsa lid

that doubles as a bowl. Oh, like a tequila. Yeah, so when you unscrew it, you can pour for a salsa bowl on the go. Yeah. Pour some of the salsa into the lid. I like this. And then that's your,

you don't get the edges of your fingers off. It's the cough syrup thing where you just use the lid as a little shot glass. One issue. There's a lot of issues. Go ahead, yeah. I mean, salsa has to be vacuum sealed, which you couldn't really do.

No, it doesn't. Well, unless you get the fancy refrigerated salsa. But if you're buying salsa off the shelf, you can't have a concave lid. Is refrigerator salsa fancy? Because I need a win. They keep them in two different sections on purpose. I think it's fancy. Really?

Yeah. Because it'll spoil. You can keep a paste in your cabinet for years. I only buy refrigerator fancy. Really? Yeah. Because it'll spoil. You can keep a paste in your cabinet for years. I only buy refrigerator salsa. Wait, what? Well, I'm really proud of how your life is going. Well, you can keep a paste picante.

That keeps for a long time. Unopened forever. Oh, yeah. Okay. But a refrigerated nice salsa from the vegetable section, you can't keep even sealed. That'll turn into like salsa booze. So you can put the vinegar in it. It'll keep fermenting and all of a sudden it's alcoholic salsa.

And then we're bringing it right back to that part. See, guys, I stole this last time. You can put the concave lid on that. But I feel like if you're buying fancy salsa, you also have a bowl. Yeah. Well, this was when you would think that yeah nobody said that one other quick salsa notion before we move on sure and you guys may have known heard me even talk about this before do you know those new york city commercials like where's this made new New York City? Get a rope. You know why they stopped showing those commercials? Why? 9-11.

Really? Yeah. What? 100%. Do you remember these commercials? Yeah, I remember the Cowboys. So 9-11 happened and then the salsa company thought it was insensitive to imply that salsa made in New York a city that was reeling from a terrorist attack. They thought it was

any worse than salsa from San Antonio. So they stopped showing that ad campaign because they were like, we can't keep going into New York City right now. I mean, they've had enough. Yeah. Has it been time? Oh, yeah. It's definitely ready to come back.

Yeah. It seems like they would have canceled them because they were planning to hang a guy. Yeah, no. Yeah, I thought you were going to tell me they actually, like some idiots from San Antonio, hung somebody from New York or something. The salsa wars.

The salsa wars. Also, were they meet in Omaha in the middle? Also, where in New York were they making the salsa? That's what I'm wondering. It was back before hipster Brooklyn. Yeah. Really. I don't know.

It was just like a salsa plant. I don't know. Yeah. Just in Queens, like a big salsa plant. Yeah, deep in Queens. Yeah. Oh, yeah. New York City, they said. I grew was just like a salsa plant? I don't know. Yeah, just in Queens, like a big salsa plant. Yeah, deep in Queens. Yeah. Oh, yeah, New York City, they said. I grew up next to the salsa plant.

Not New York State. It wasn't in like Secaucus. Yeah, it was New York City, right? Yeah. A friend of mine, a kid I graduated with, has a salsa company in Brooklyn. Really? Actually, I forget. His name's Matt Burns.

I forget the name of the company. New York City? Yeah, I just thought of that. And he's definitely a hipster. Secaucus is in New Jersey, by the way. It's in the metro area. So, salsa, that was my pick. That's a good pick.

Amy Miller, following up on butter. I'm so excited to hear this next one. Alright, hot and ready. Because you picked butter first. Ready to dump on shit. Yeah. Any shit you want. Nacho cheese. Oh. Damn. I feel like want. Nacho cheese. Oh. Yep.

Yep. Damn. I feel like the bacon boy might have a, you're good with it? Oh, it works. I think it works too. Yeah, definitely. I mean. If you're not okay with it, first of all, fuck you.

Second of all. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Amy, sit down. Amy. For you. I can go queso and just say it in Spanish. What is that? Is that what queso is?

Yes. It's just hot nacho cheese? Spicy nacho cheese. Where's the room to have nacho cheese? As long as you just say whose cheese is it. It's nacho cheese. Yeah. I wasn't going to do it.

I refuse. Nacho cheese. Are we talking about that bright yellow? Yes. Like it's cool, like elementary school cheese? Almost green. Nacho cheese yeah

fuck a pretzel with it fuck a chips with it put it on chili oh yeah I love the pretzel bites with the jalapenos and the nacho cheese oh man

yeah dog put it on a hot dog go to 7-11 and just mad dog that nacho cheese onto a hot dog oh yeah you would feel like shit

until tomorrow if you'd have done that last night weird dude I'd feel great weird I forget exactly which dude it was

because it wasn't a main crew member, but I forget. This is like a side crew. Yeah, satellite crew. I think I based a joke on this guy. One of my first stand-up jokes, who would like, we would go to 7-Eleven

and you could take a Slurpee cup and fill whatever with it and then just pay Slurpee prices. And he would fill it with nacho cheese and other substances that you weren't supposed to. That is a genius man. Then did he drink iturpee prices and he would like fill it with like nacho cheese and other substances that you weren't supposed to. That is a genius man.

Then did he drink it? No, then he would just buy a bag of chips and then all of a sudden he had like 42 ounces of fucking nacho cheese. No, I feel like he should have been

upgraded to main crew and not satellite. Yeah, that dude's a visionary. If I could remember exactly who it was I'm sure I could tell you why he wasn't.

He probably had like a dead eye or something. Date rapist. Yeah, well no, we didn't If I could remember exactly who it was, I'm sure I could tell you why he wasn't. He probably had like a dead eye or something. Date rapist. Yeah. Well, no. We didn't have anyone like that in the crew. We couldn't afford to go on dates. We used to work.

I used to work at this comedy club and all these stupid soup cans would come in and they'd be like. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Chumps. These chumps would come in. Did you call them soup cans? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Soup cans. Yeah, I like that. Soup cans. But they would come in and they would order chips with cone queso. Oh, chips cone queso. Chips with cheese. They double down on the cone. I don't know.

It's so, who doesn't know? People say queso cheese all the time. I say ATM machine sometimes. They're all so idiots. This is a bit of a horse of a different color, but I knew hella dudes who said tortilla. Yeah. That's just dumb. Tortilla.

Tortilla with con queso, please. Including a main crew member. One Nate Stoller. Whoa. Now I have a wife and a kid. A main crew member. But Chili Cheese Cup had to ride the bench? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We had a tortilla dude, but he's the biggest heart you'll ever meet. Now there's a baby saying tortilla somewhere. There is. Yeah, it's been passed on. Now he brought that onto another human. Tortilla. Tortilla chips. Nacho cheese is also one of the best ingredients in Taco Bell, you know?

It can be. And I always forget to order it. When I remember to order it, I get so excited. Like a side of nacho cheese. Oh, yeah. To dip it in. And that's a Taco John's thing, too, right? I could girl after my own heart over here talking about Taco John's. I was just in Omaha.

Taco John's has, it's like a Midwestern Danker Taco Bell, but they have- It's really gross. No way is it Danker. They have potato olays, don't they? It's not good. Because we have Taco Time in the back end of you.

You've eaten a taco time. I love taco time. Taco time is good. It's not better than Taco Bell on account of nothingness. Chipotle's not. It's doing too much. It's not better. I just miss it sometimes.

How about that? I just miss it. But they hand you a bag of tater tots and a cup of nacho cheese. They're potato olays. They're not tater tots and a cup of nacho cheese. They're potato olays. They're not tater tots. They're helium barrels. They are heavily salted. Anyway, they have their nacho cheese, but it comes in like twice, maybe even three times

as big as the one at Taco Bell. Yeah. And that's what I'm talking about. I mean, that's dope. By the way, helium barrels is what they call tater tots at the helium comedy club for no reason. Really? They don't explain that in such a way.

They don't have them anymore. Just so fucking grownups had to sit there and be like, could me and my date have some helium barrels, please? My big problem with the Taco John's nacho cheese bucket, you can't really eat it on the go. You got to park the car. Yeah. I don't eat Taco John's when I'm driving the car or Taco Bell.

I don't. It's getting somewhere. I do. I got to get to my gig. No way. I'll sit and eat it in the car. I'm usually on the way home. The weird thing about that nacho cheese is its consistency, which I love. Definitely feels like it was

invented for the space program. And they were like, ooh, we can actually make this into food. Like an accident. It doesn't feel like someone's back there melting cheese. It's never good for the next day. If I order something with nacho cheese on it, and then the next day I'm always like, this is bad. Makes everything soggy.

It is rough the next day. It doesn't hold over. It doesn't keep well. For a while, Jack in the Box had taco nachos where they would cut up their tacos into chip sizes and then just smother it with nacho cheese. Really? Yeah. For a while, they had that.

Yeah. I don't even know what to make of the way that you said that. It's like, why wouldn't they have it now? How did we not find that before? Maybe it was a limited location. Is that short for something? This was in the Bay Area. How did I not know?

This was like in Richmond, and then they put a checkpoint right outside it. So I think they were in cahoots with the cops. So all the cops were open micers? Is that what they did? That's so funny. Nacho cheese, excellent pick. I can't believe I just found out about those taco nachos. That's crazy. Now I want to make them myself.

You can. You can't. Well, you could. You could buy those, but then you'd have to... And here's the thing I don't like doing. I wouldn't want to take aftermarket cheese and melt that on there. Because if it's like shitty Jack in the Box stuff and then you're like putting Tillamook cheddar on it. Yeah.

No. This is wrong. No, no, no. You got to get. You got a bad cheese, bad food. You do. Yep. All right.

David Borey. Your first pick was aioli. My first pick was bacon. Point. Pick one B. I knew you were going to say aioli. Today's episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Squarespace. Make your next move with Squarespace.

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Again, that's offer code ALLFANTASY for 10% off your first purchase. What's your second pick? I'm going kind of off the beaten path here. Oh, get out of town. I'm going kind of off the beaten path here. Oh, get out of town. I'm going a little bit of hollandaise. Whoa. Hollandaise.

Hollandaise. What else can you use hollandaise on? Asparagus. Okay. Because it's definitely a condiment, but I don't know what else. Eggs Benedict. Croquette. Any matter of croquette.

Any matter of croquette. Any matter of croquette. Salmon croquettes, chicken croquettes. How do you make hollandaise? It's eggs, butter, lemon. Okay. I just had a vegan hollandaise in Omaha. Really? Yeah, because I don't eat eggs.

It was good. You don't eat eggs? And it was on asparagus. And you can sing that song when you're making it or eating it. What? Holidays. Celebrate. Holidays.

It would be so nice. Yeah, but I say it would taste. It would taste so nice. That makes sense. Yeah, when you're waiting for the food to come out. People love it. No, yeah, I love it. You wrote a Holidays parody song.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the one egg-based thing that I'm always sad that I can't eat because it looks so delicious. It is great. Why don't you eat eggs? I just don't like them. Makes sense. Right? As a kid.

Short and sweet. I never had them. It is weird. Eggs is one of those things where if someone's like, it's weird, I'm like, it is. Yeah, yeah. Because I eat them almost every day, and whenever I'm stirring them up, I'm like, this looks weird to me. They make me throw up.

They're cheap. Hollandaise. Hollandaise. That is a... You took a specialist there, for sure. Yeah. Can you buy... If I go to Ralph's, can I buy Hollandaise?

No, you got to make it. You got to make it. You got to get a little boiler going. Oh, speaking of things that you cannot keep, you can't keep a Hollandaise sauce an hour. You got to eat it. It's just raw eggs. That is a spring fling. Yeah, that's not fair.

Bit of a sock hop. Yeah, you gotta get a double boiler going. There's like eggs, water. What are the other ingredients? Oh, liquid butter, lemon. Oh, we already talked about this. You're picking a lot of exotic names, too. I appreciate that.

I'm hollandaise aioli. I'm living... Oh, yeah, I grew up with that kid. Yeah. Yeah. He used to live in Sweden. It's almost the same ingredients, actually. You coming at me?

I think you like eggs, oil, and lemon. Who doesn't? Everybody listening, David and Amy are standing up right now. They're 30 feet from the mics. They're just screaming that loud. Yeah, we're holding hands. It's good. When was the last time you had a Hollandaise, David?

I had Eggs Benedict. Oh, when I was at home in Denver. Shout out Pete's Kitchen. I had Eggs Benedict. How was your Denver trip? Man, the Ying Yang twins are... Who we are going to see tomorrow night. Yeah, me and Amy are going to see them again tomorrow.

Like socially or at a concert? No, David knows them both. They are pretty drunk. Also, David said that... What did you say? You go the little Ying Yang twins. Oh, the little Ying Yang. Yeah, Yang.

Yang was housing some tequila. Lil Yang was housing tequila. Was he? Dude. Me and Lil Yang have in common. I think you and Lil Yang were housing tequila on the same night. You guys could have been on Thursday night? Yes.

Whoa. It's like he felt your heart. I wasn't housing it on Thursday. I had like a couple on Thursday, but I wasn't housing it on Thursday I had like a couple on Thursday but I wasn't housing it on Saturday dude Lil Yang was housing dude right before they went on stage he just grabbed the bottle from their writer and just drank about half the bottle

damn before he walked on stage damn it was gnarly how was the show though it was weird. They have a song where they go, from the ceiling to the floor. And they want you to do it.

And you're like, come on, man. Really? You guys did Window Wall just like two songs ago. Yeah. It was not. It wasn't what I wanted it to be. They just keep saying other parts of the house? Yeah.

From the basement. To the attic. It was, yeah, it was, listen, Denver was fun. Ramon Rivas was there. I love that guy. I got drunk and met a guy who says he was one of the cheerleaders in Bring It On. I saw that picture.

I did, too. Do you think that was true? Here's what I'm saying. Was he Jam Jam, the cheerleading man? The way he dropped it, it it was because the whole deal was the whole affair was very illicit how we even met that guy don't make that up but the way yeah that's what i was that's what i said when he said it i was like that's way too specific to not be real because he wasn't like boasting about it what happened is my buddy we were all drunk at one

up on colfax shout out colfax and my Mel was like, we were talking to this old guy for some reason. And my friend was like, hey, cuz, this is a comedian, man. He was on Conan. And the guy was like, oh, yeah. I don't really like to talk about it too much, but I was one of the cheerleaders in Bring It On. And then he tried to buy some yay. I would talk about that constantly. If it's not true true it's the perfect lie

it really is because who's gonna fucking be like no you weren't I wouldn't even know I have a picture of him on my Instagram I could watch that movie

I'd have no idea I would just start doing the stomp clap and be like brr and if he could pick it up it's cold in here must be some clovers

or toros depending on if you went to Rancho Cucamondra or East Compton toros in the atmosphere or clovers I'm sorry

yeah yeah clovers was yep it sorry. Yeah, Clovers was Clovers. Yeah, it was stolen. And then remember she was also, that group was great, Black. Yeah. It was one of those girls from Black that was in Bring It On. It wasn't all of them, was it? Oh, was it all Black? I don't know. I don't know who was in Black.

These are not condiments. No, but what is a condiment is whatever David Borey is going to be picking with his third. It is a serpentine draft. You just had some hot news, David. What? DMX canceled for tomorrow night. So we're only seeing the Ying Yang Twins, Too Short and Sugar Free.

Sugar Free does songs by herself? I guess. I don't want to talk about that. I hope DMX is okay. Shout out to DMX. He's probably not. We love you, DMX. Earl Simmons,

stay up. He's probably not. What do we got? Next pick. Next pick. Feel pretty good about it, honestly. You guys are gonna,

I'm surprised it didn't come up already. Oh, God. Cream cheese. Oh! See? I mean, I think it's disgusting, so I wasn't gonna bring it up.

You do? Well, not disgusting. Get the fuck out of here. Not disgusting, but it's disgusting So I wasn't gonna bring it up You do Well not disgusting Get the fuck out of here Not disgusting But it's not You don't put it on a bagel It ain't up there I don't like it

I'll admit when I was doing A second pass on my list And I went to Wikipedia And looked up condiments It was on there I was surprised to see Cream cheese on there Really

I guess I don't think Of it as a condiment You can put it I'm not calling I'm not It's a spread Well it's not bacon I'll tell you that

Yeah Listen I'm out here Out of the box I'm just saying Cream cheese goes A lot. It's not bacon. I'll tell you that. Yeah. Listen, I'm out here out of the box. I'm just saying cream cheese goes a lot of places. I think it is a condiment. You wouldn't think it would go. Yeah. It churches up food.

Oh, man. You get a little cream cheese jelly sandwich? Uh-huh. Okay. I've never let that laugh. I'm a savory cream cheese guy. What? You guys have never done sweet cream cheese?

No. Like a blueberry, like a marmalade in cream cheese? I hate a sweet bagel. Maybe on a muffin. Really? You sounded real Jewish. Yeah, you go, I hate a sweet bagel. I'm usually with you as a savory boy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I like cream cheese and sweet stuff. Or like that cream cheese-based frosting. You know what I'm talking about? I do know what you're talking about. Yeah, cheesecake? Is it cream cheese that's in the fried wonton, the fake? Oh, yeah, crab rangoon.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's cream cheese, right? I love that. I love that kind of cream cheese. Then you like cream cheese. Yeah. Can I make a confession about crab rangoon? I'd love it if you did.

For maybe a decade, maybe longer, I always thought there was actual crab in the crab Rangoon. And that it was just a real faint taste. And it was mixed in with whatever that white thing was. And then I was, oh, it's supposed to be a crab. Like it's supposed to mimic the texture of biting into a crab. No, I thought that for 29 years, 358 days, I guess. Are you just finding that out now? Yeah, I did. Isn't that crazy? No, I8 days, I guess. Are you just finding that out now? Yeah, I did.

Isn't that crazy? No, I always thought that it was. I just found that out. I was always, I thought that like, I would always just assume that I was going to shitty Chinese food places. Me too, that's what I thought. I was like, if you go to like a real nice one,

you're gonna go and there's gonna be chunks of crab. Chunks of crab. But I'm fucking up the crab rangoon at this like $6 a plate place. Yeah, I'm like, I wouldn't even be mad. I'm like, yeah, of course it's mostly cream cheese. It was $3. This is news to me also.

Treat me the way I deserve. By the way. Is it? Yes, I had no idea. Isn't that crazy? You know, your girl Kelly Jordan knows. Saint Kelly Jordan. She knows full well that it is not, she doesn't like seafood.

Yeah. And I tell her every time, because whenever I'm back, we go to the same Chinese place and I always get crab rangoon. I'm like, give it a shot. And she's like, no, it's seafood. And I'm like, I don't know how many different ways I can tell you that this is cream cheese, which she loves. Yeah.

She loves cream cheese. And fried wonton. She won't do it. That's it. It's got the word crab in it. It's fucking- Will she eat a goldfish cracker? It's very confusing.

Yeah, she- Will she eat a goldfish cracker? Now I think you're insulting Kelly Jordan I will I will that's a good point mom

and I'll just hold a goldfish cracker you eat this I see you eating these every god damn night so come on I used to make in college a lot of

something I call salami roll ups guess what it is salami and cream cheese I love you so much my aunt Lynn makes that shit she'll have like a tortilla or like a soft tortilla salami and then cream cheese it you so much my aunt Lynn makes that shit she'll have like a tortilla or like a soft tortilla

salami and then cream cheese it's so good yeah it's pretty good that is the roll ups the pinwheels you know what I'm talking about oh yeah

oh that's what you gotta bring to the party you bring pinwheels you're the fucking king sliced turkey lettuce saint suit caramel saint suit caramel we'll throw together

something called lavash sure I like that which is like lavash it's like this really thin phyllo doughy type thing and then like cream cheese and a lunch meat and like a little pickle inside of it. Yes. And you can just eat.

Does it bake it? She bakes it. I swear to God I've had them. I've been to numerous holidays with you. If you've been to one of our celebrations and we celebrate so much so often, you've had it. I have been to so many of your celebrations. We have to. We have to. We keep doing it. There are been to so many of your celebrations that I guarantee I've had it. We have to.

There were a lot of hard times. Lavash. Lavash. See, that's what I like. Cream cheese. It goes a lot of places you wouldn't think. I'll see if SK Dynamite

will throw some lavash together next time we're all in the road somewhere. Lavash sounds like a guy that you don't want showing up to the fight unless he's on your side. Oh, lavash.

Dude, that kid lavash kicked me in the tooth. He moved over from Croatia at 11 and he killed somebody on the road. I've never seen that kid Lavash kicked me in the tooth. He moved over from Croatia at 11 and he killed somebody on the way. I've never seen that dude not wearing jogger pants. Lavash,

dude. I think he's sponsored by Adidas. He has an Aeropostale sweatshirt from 1993 that he still wears. Yeah, nobody's made fun of him

since 1993. Yeah, cream, and there's nothing on the planet better than like a good bagel cream cheese lox red onion oh it's so good disgusting yeah what oh my god nice nova lox i hate i mean lox i'm gonna this i'm gonna sound stupid it's fish right

sure yeah i hate salmon i hate onions salmon, though. I hate onions. I hate seafood. Not the hugest fan of cream cheese, so that just sounds disgusting to me. Sorry to get too real with you guys. I apologize. No. No such thing. You don't ever feel like that around me.

There's no such thing as being too real. Turns out. Yeah, cream cheese was your last pick, David. Yeah. Nacho cheese was yours, Amy. Whose cheese was it? A lot of cheese is coming up. It's mine, cheese.

She's not going to do it. Why do they call it that, though? It's not David's cheese. Damn it. It's never my cheese. It's never my cheese. Oh, I'm really excited what your next pick is going to be. I can't wait to hear it.

It's time for your third pick. It's so hard to decide. Now we're getting down to the fun ones. I'm stoked on this. That's something I'm really passionate about. I'm going to say Thousand Island. That was on my list.

I love it. We have a lot of mayonnaise based things going around. All my stuff is mean, we have a lot of mayonnaise-based things going around. All my stuff is white. It's a lot of thick stuff. Halliday's is kind of hot. Like your girlfriend's. It's like a very yellow.

Is it a pale yellow? Hey, I get it. We're not doing this. It's like a pale yellow. Like your girlfriend's. What? She said it again. No.

I know. And that time it was- Your girlfriend's. That time it was something she can't say harsh one this gal 1 000 islands 1 000 islands yes yeah some chopped up something in there i don't know pick relish or yeah there's like a yeah there's a fine Thousand Island will have sort of a relish mixed in. Yeah, the shit that I buy, like the buck 50 at Ralph's doesn't. It's just like a very close.

Have you noticed the cheaper the Thousand Island, the more ketchup based it is? Yes. What is that all about? I don't know. Because it's cheaper and it'll last longer. With more ketchup? Yeah. It's cheaper and it'll last longer.

With more ketchup? Yeah. Thousand Island is probably the condiment that people pretend fancier things are the most often. Like a secret sauce. Yes. We know what your secret is. That's what it's been all the time. Yeah. People just lie about Thousand Island.

It is fantastic. It's so good. What do you like Thousand Island on? I like to dip fries in it. I like it on a burger uh to be honest i've never had it on a salad no that's me either that sounds gross you gotta have a very crisp lettuce because it's a heavy dressing yeah like weight weight wise it's weight wise yeah if you have a flimsy uh lettuce you have to have fork under it you just like Thousand Island on a bunch of shredded lettuce and eat it with a

spoon? It's like coleslaw, basically. Yeah, you can use it in coleslaw. That's good. Coleslaw is one of the grossest things in the world to me. Oh my god. Thousand Island's good, though. That's another high variance food for me. It's so good. Good coleslaw's so good, but bad coleslaw when they use it... I thought we weren't going to talk about condiments.

I bet I've never had... It's coleslaw. No, it is not. It's a salad. I mean, well, we don't even need to get in there. No, David. I don't put salads on my burgers and hot dogs. You have coleslaw on your list. No, don't put lettuce on my list. Now you're just

starting fights over there. It's cabbage with condiments in it. It's slaw. You put it on. You guys are serious that coleslaw is not a condiment right's slaw. You put it up. What are you talking about? You guys are serious that coleslaw is not a condiment right now? You can put tuna salad on top of stuff. It doesn't make it a condiment. Are you guys fucking with me?

I don't know. I'll eat like a bowl of coleslaw on its own. Coleslaw is a food. You eat coleslaw by itself? Yes, always. Like what Ian just said, you can put lettuce on a burger. Lettuce is an condiment.

I make it at home on a regular basis and eat just that. All right. Well, sorry. It's a salad. lettuce is an condiment I make it at home on a regular basis and eat just that alright well sorry it's a salad I guess I'm out here wiling the fuck out apparently you think potato salad

is a condiment kinda okay you're living a real Cadillac life yeah I didn't know that I didn't even know this was crazy

I didn't know you're putting food on your food I've always thought you're fucking you're blowing my mind right now do you think it's like trying to park another car on your car's snowboard or whatever uh thousand island is a condiment for sure definitely yeah versatile it is yeah it is a little versatile. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I don't really,

it's not something I mess with on an extremely regular basis, but every now and again when I get like three microwave burritos, you know, and I'll go through the salad dressing aisle and I'll be like, you know what? I'm going to get in Thousand Island right now. Are you about to say you put Thousand Island on a microwave burrito? I put it on the side. So I'm telling you, man, I get way weirder than hot sauce on a salad.

Oh, okay, but coleslaw's a condiment. I'm crazy. Do you hear what he's saying? He puts ketchup and mayonnaise on burritos. First of all. And I'm a monster. He's not saying the burrito is a condiment. You're out of your fucking mind

if you think that coleslaw is not a food. It's salad. You can go to KFC right now and get a side of coleslaw and eat it with a spork. You can go to McDonald's and you can go to Red Rabbit and get a side of ranch. When you go to Popeyes, coleslaw is not next to the

Cajun Spartacle. It's one of the sides. You have to buy it. That's crazy. No, it's not. That's crazy. This whole, this is like the Russia and Trump defunding important services. The real story here is Homeboy putting his burritos, probably, by the way, a bean with no onions.

And they're in that shit in Thousand Island? That's nuts. If we had knocked some of these off the list that I'm about to say I would really piss you off because there's one that all of you would freak out and I've done it like four or five times on a burrito you'll hear it if it's not brought up by the end

I'll probably end up saying it actually I'll make it my next pick so I can say it well do whatever you want play by your own it was on my list I, it was in my five. I'm really curious now because that Thousand Island thing set me the fuck off. That's on a Big Mac, right?

You'll put a Thousand Island on a Big Mac? That's the special sauce, right? Yeah, on a Big Mac. I've renewed, I've come back home to Big Macs and Whoppers. Really?

Were you out of town on them? I just don't, I try not to eat as much fast food now and especially when I do, I like to go to Taco Bell. But like every now and then a Big Mac is fucking amazing. It's really good. Really, we talk all this shit about McDonald's and they do, I don't know.

They know what they're doing and they do it well. I've been going with Zach a little bit here and there because he's such a, just a lunatic. Happy birthday, Zach. Happy birthday, Zach. Happy birthday, Zach. Our hunky friend of the podcast who somehow eats more fast food than anyone I've ever... He gets pancakes at McDonald's. He's the only person I know with a real six pack.

He's so buff. It's crazy. We were walking together in a Jersey Mike's. It didn't even look like we should know each other. Somebody stops like, explain the friendship to me. Who introduced you? Yeah, what did we say? Thousand Island.

Yep, I like it. Thousand Island dressing. Great. Thousand Island. And now back on me. What do you got? I went ranch salsa. What do you got, 503 God?

Ooh, thank you. I gotta, I gotta, I mean, I missed out on cream cheese. I feel terrible about that. So I have to go home to my Jewish roots and I'm taking deli mustard. Okay. And by the way, I don't even want to take all the mustard. Mustards, but there's a lot of fucking mustard. There's enough mustards?

Are you talking about like with the grainy mustard? Like a granular? Yeah. Anything in the, I'm taking fancy mustards? Mm-hmm. Are you talking about like with the grainy mustard? Like a granular? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Anything in the, I'm taking fancy mustards, all right? Okay. I think there's two kinds of mustard. Yeah, totally. Is anyone planning on taking?

Like a golden. There's like French's mustard. Yes. But then there's like grape foudon. There's a ton. Listen, I'm going to go off just because I have to. Fuck yellow mustard. I hate yellow mustard.

Yo, it's going down. I love it. I hate yellow mustard. Even on a hot dog? On a anything. On a ballpark dog? Whoa. Anything. I love it. I hate yellow mustard. Even on a hot dog? On anything. On a ballpark dog? Whoa. Anything.

I hate it. What about just like a McDouble? It's one of the few things I hate. I hate it. Is it because you know that there's such better quality available? Yeah, that's part of it, but that doesn't really affect me with other foods so much. Like I'll enjoy a shitty nacho cheese knowing there's really excellent cheese. There's just something about a yellow mustard

that I hate it's heavy heavy vinegar just dumps a bunch of water out I hate that the way it comes out yeah yeah yeah

that is irritating to rehash one of my stand up jokes it comes out like a child being born where the water breaks first and then later there's like mustard

that comes out nothing harsh is my mellow more than when I like have a burger or a dog and I'm like tight and then you just

pour all that mustard water on it. You know the other thing I hate as much as yellow mustard? What? Sweet pickles. Oh, I love sweet pickles. I don't like sweet pickles either. Fuck a sweet relish. Fuck sweet pickles. I'm with you on that. I really like sweet pickles. There's pickles in a bowl unlabeled at a party. You grab one, you bite

into it and it's a sweet pickle. Burn the house down. I would honestly rather someone punch me in the face. You just go punch some A to D? Sweet pickles, huh? Can they call them gherkins? That's kind of hilarious. That is funny. But what I'm picking, deli mustard.

What the seeds are in it, I love what the seeds are in it. You've got to have the seeds in it. Because it's texture. What makes that mustard seed? Oh, that's what that is? It's just mustard seed? Like, what makes that? Mustard seed. Oh, that's what that is? It's just mustard seed? Yes, of course. It's mustard seed.

I'm a yellow mustard guy. What do you think it is? It looks like paste. It looks like yellow paste. I had no idea what it was. That's why I asked my three close friends what it was. And I'm not judging. Judge me.

You know, it's fun. People love to hear it. They want to hear the true you. It's like a boba tea, but it's mustard. I don't like boba. You don't like boba? No, no the true you. It's like a boba tea, but it's mustard. I don't like boba. You don't like boba? No, no, me too. It's too much balls.

I'm into it. I would used to get them and I would eat about half and spit the other half out like I was one of the bad dudes from Mario 2. I don't like surprises in any drink. Any chunky surprise in my drink. No chunky surprise? No. Ball.

Yeah, that's that noise. And I don't like that. The eggs sound balls. I don't think they actually taste that good, the surprise? No. Ball. Yeah, that's that noise. And I don't like that. The eggs sound balls. I don't think they actually taste that good, the balls. No. It's more of a texture. Yeah, yeah. It's not a.

I don't like that texture. It's like this weird, cold, slimy texture. I'm not into it. I don't like it either. Yeah, it tastes like a sea creature. And I'm going to do deli mustard. I love deli mustard. I love it on a good sandwich, on like a nice rye bread.

Do you like a nice spicy? Yeah, I like a spicy mustard. I like when there's a little horseradish to it. Like a pastrami sandwich on like a rye bread. With just like some of that. Sometimes you go to a good deli.

I went to one in West Palm Beach, Florida with my grandparents. Shout out to the oldest Jews I know. OJs. And not the OJs. Shout out to the deaf OJs. OJs. And not the OJs. Shout out to the deaf OJs. The original Jews. And I would... We went to this deli and you just get...

There was like... You order a platter and you could pick three meats. And I was like... So I got pastrami, I got a little tongue, which... Zang. Listen, whatever. And... Come in.

I've never had it. Okay, okay okay and what was the last one cheek I'm hoping you it wasn't cheek there was no cheek available tongue was a claw I forget what the third it might have been turkey

or something boring but like then they just brought little pieces of rye and like everybody had their own mustard and you would just like church up these fucking

perfect bites of Jewish deli food it was so good I've never been to a nice deli you've never been there's one here in LA I've never been to like nice deli. You've never been? There's one here in LA. I've never been to a real deli.

Come meet me at work and take me on a little date. Cantor's has a good mustard selection. Yeah, Cantor's is the place. I think that sounds fantastic. Cantor's is great. There's a good one in Studio City, too. Not a Cantor's, but a different deli. I forget the name of it. Jerry's, maybe.

But yeah, just love deli mustard. I don't have too much else to say about it. Hey. It's just close to my heart. It's a solid pick. Here's one other thing I'll say. There's this place called the Real Men Tavern in Portland, Oregon. With the fried chicken?

With the fried chicken. Where they roast it, I think. Oh, baby. Yeah. When you would order it, they'd bring out an array of mustards with it. A dizzying array? Just a dizzying array of mustards. Yes. And, I don't know

why. Wait, they put mustard with the fried chicken? They would just bring out a grip of mustards, and you would get, like, JoJo's and fried chicken. That's so good. But we would get to doing this thing where we would take the mustard, and you could squeeze it in such a way that only air came out and we would like hover our eye over it and it's going like

and then like kind of lightly mace ourselves while we were drinking beer and waiting for the chicken to come out like a weird tough guy contest not even a tough guy no just like a we're a bunch of idiots. Like nobody was like, you know, it wasn't like that kind of thing. We would just do it, yeah, to feel alive. Just to pass the time. I mean, that chicken takes so long to come out, too. It takes so long. You have to make some fun. Yeah.

I hate waiting on good chicken. God. The bartender makes it, too. So it's like the person's like mixing drinks and then has to run back and roast this chicken. Exactly. You get a two-man operation here? No. We might have to go to reel them in.

Yes. Yeah, next week? Yeah, we should. I've never been. I don't even know what you guys are talking about. It's so good. It'll reel you in. You've been by it probably a thousand times.

Yeah, it's on Division. It's one of the rare things still. It's one of the rare originals on Division still. Probably closing soon. It probably is. Speaking of rare originals, Sean Jordan, you're a real rare original. I appreciate it's still, it's one of the rare originals on Division still. Probably closing soon. It probably is. Speaking of rare originals, Sean Jordan, you're a real rare original. I appreciate that. And I would love to get your third and then fourth picks. So my third is going to be soy sauce.

Oh. And soy sauce is what I put on a burrito about five times. Is this the thing you were, God damn it. What else was in that burrito, dog? It was like a bean and cheese burrito. I was pretty tore up every time, but I did it and it was a lot ofrito dog it was like a bean and cheese burrito i was pretty tore up every time but i did it and it was a lot of soy sauce and i i didn't mind it isn't that gross yeah even i know that's gross why are you doing this to me it's very good that's the problem

with us in the thousand island that's crazy for some reason that's insane i have exactly as much as a problem with this the reason i did i did it and i've done it so many times like the first time i did it we didn't have any other choices. And after that, I was like, I love soy sauce. You could just eat it dry. It's just salt water. I was going to say, dude.

It's not just salt water. There's definitely a taste to it. I just, but yeah, it's just something where I was like, oh, I want the soy sauce. And this bean burrito was a vehicle to get the soy sauce into my disgusting body. And I did it like five times.

Beautiful body. I appreciate that. Yeah. I can't even wrap my head around that. Like I'm trying and I just don't. Let's not focus on that. Let's focus on soy sauce. You're speaking for me.

How could we not? You hate sushi. Which is one of the best things. That's the only way that I can have. We've never got sushi because you're a good friend. But when people make me go get sushi sushi I have to like get a bowl of soy sauce and soak it I just can't I hate sushi so much

and then do you sit down and ask the sushi chef for a bean burrito maybe a thousand island what's happening let me get a fucking fork and some fishless sushi and a bowl of soy sauce please it's crazy to me that you pick soy sauce what do you like it on?

Other than a burrito. I just love how salty it is. It's just straight up sodium. I eat rice. What do you put it on besides rice? Really nothing. I mean. I don't believe that. Well I'm trying to think. I mean ramen. Salad? No I don't put it on salad. You hook up ramen with it? Yeah all the time. Ramen's so salty already.

I know. Adam used to get mad at me. He got actually mad at me a couple times because he was like, in the greater, in the scheme of things, he's like, do you know what you're doing to yourself? He's like, I see you do this like five times a week. Yeah. You get ramen and I'll put the powder on it and then a bunch of soy sauce and he would get really mad at me. Would you put it on like just a plain, like grilled chicken breast?

I would, yeah. I don't think I ever have. Me too. It is good. Actually, it's good as a marinade. Yeah. Sometimes, yeah. Oh, yeah, for like steaks and stuff.

It's good as part of a marinade. But I feel like- Soy, like garlic, yada, yada, yada. Sure. But also, we're letting them get away with this crazy burrito action. Hey, man, I don't- It is, I'm not,

I'm not gonna deny that. You are wilding out, Fred. I'm not gonna deny that for a second that that's not disgusting. You know, they say bumblebees shouldn't be able to fly just based on the geometries of their wings. But you see them up in the air anyway. 100%. I barely get it.

But just enough, right? I get it enough. I get it just enough. Yeah, soy sauce. And I just, I love soy sauce. Okay. Undeniable. Yeah, you can't deny it.

It's, yeah. I like, I love soy sauce. Okay. Undeniable. Yeah, you can't deny it. It's, yeah. I like, I'm getting it. People eat a lot of it, but I usually like it on sushi. I eat it on everything but. Yeah, but I eat a lot of like noodles since I'm broke. I just eat a lot of noodles, ramen, rice, shit like that. And it's really cheap to make it flavorful. That's fair.

And a hush falls over the room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe your fourth pick. that and it's really cheap to make it flavorful that's fair all right yeah maybe your fourth pick all right my sense it's it's another weird one but I think it makes sense it's just gonna be syrup yeah yeah some scissor up some scissor leanin I Shane. I love syrup. Oh, Syrup Mountain. I fell in love with it. It goes Syrup Mountain. God, what a cool nickname.

I don't think he loves it. Wyatt Burp is better. Nobody was supposed to call him that. What is Shane's nickname? What? Where am I calling that? No, it was acted a long time ago. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was just so funny. I said it. Wyatt Burp. Yeah. It's the perfect nickname. Yeah, it's sop yeah and it's the perfect nickname for jane i just picture him like wearing a cowboy hat yeah oh what oh yeah just imagine if you had a party and like you picked your friends with the dopest nicknames and a stranger like we were at a house party like is it cool if like

Dr. Teal Good Punk Rock Sausage Face and Wyatt Burp come over yeah yes yeah yeah get them over there Wyatt Burp can't

stay here over the night but he can come to the party don't let him use the bathroom what kind of syrups do you like like a maple syrup there's a

bunch apricot syrup is my absolute favorite apricot syrup do you guys know what Perkins is? The store? It's like an IHOP. It's like a Midwestern. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I used to go there and I would

get this thing called the Little Cowpoke and it was three pancakes. That's so cute! Three pancakes, two eggs, and two links of sausage. But I would, as like a five-year-old, I would use their whole thing of apricot syrup on my just my plate would be like a pool of syrup you must have been jacked

just all jacked up just running around well my mom just buck teeth flying everywhere real broke uh yeah syrup is great inexpensive if you get the

maple syrup it fucking is that real maple syrup. It fucking is. Dude, that real maple is expensive. It definitely is. Yeah. I want it, but I can't justify spending like eight bucks. Because I put syrup on eggs and stuff. Do you ever make pancakes at the house? No, I don't really know how.

It's really easy. I'm sure I can figure it out. You mix powder with water. I make eggs every day. You know what? It is kind of easy, but that first one's always fucked up. Yeah, it never goes right on the first one. And if you don't know that from experience, you can get pretty down on yourself about it. Yeah, you don't want to do it anymore. I get that.

I made Darth Vader pancakes one time. How? I don't even know how Laura had it. With a mold. It was a Darth Vader thing. Yeah. I don't even like sweets that much, and I love syrup. Not like seeing an elf when he's just syruping everything.

I'm like, yes, I would do that. That is delicious. When we went, where did we go, me, you, and Shane, when you got pancakes for the table, which I thought was such a bold and fun move. Foxy's, pancakes for the table. I've seen that happen before. They're little mini pancakes,

and you would just get them and dip them in the syrup. And I'm like, well, this is a whole new world. Mini pancakes. Remember, Eggo was making mini pancakes. I didn't want to say this earlier because it wasn't taken yet, but that pound of bacon that I got in Scottsdale, they gave you syrup

in a ramekin. So it was like you dip the bacon in the syrup. It was probably the most unhealthy thing I've ever eaten. A pound of bacon dipping it in syrup. That's unhealthy? Syrup is a vegetable. It comes out of a tree. That's unhealthy? Syrup is a vegetable. It comes out of a tree.

That's so true. Yeah. It's the worst vegetable. It's like weed. It's like weed. So yeah, syrup. Okay. Syrup.

Syrup. I'm pretty excited. I honestly didn't think I was going to get any of the picks I've got. Maybe I'm a lunatic. What's your go-to cheap syrup?

Like, do you fuck with Mrs. Butterworth's or are you a country kitchen lover they have they have like these knots very knots very far maybe but they're all knots knots yeah yeah they're like 250 and they're not big but they're all the different kinds of flavors so like apricot you can get strawberry blueberry my mom used to make me monte cristos all the time and that's my big thing i would dip a monte cr Cristo in syrup. That is good. And I would always want different kinds of syrup.

What a cool mom. She was so nice to you. That's what I was going to say. She's the best. Yeah, she was making you Monte Cristos? Yeah, it was my favorite food for a year. That's awesome. What's your favorite food all the other kids in class?

Pizza. Monte Cristo. A Monte Cristo. I'm the broke kid with stains on my shirt and inexpensive braces, and I'm like, I like Monte Cristos. I'm the broke kid with stains on my shirt and like inexpensive braces and I'm like I like Monte Cristos I'm a count mother makes them for me that's solid

that's a solid pick it is hey thanks guys I appreciate it that was my next one I'm glad I stole it you know it's the fun competition of a draft it doesn't feel good. Who's next?

Ian, you're next. It's me. Yeah. This figure eight really messes me up. Glory be. The funk's on me. Glory be. With my pick. Let's hear it. Alright, I'm going to take the old Frank's Red Hot. Ooh, I love it. That was my next next one.

You know, my favorite thing about Frank's is they now have thick Frank's and they call it ketchup for adults. And I love that. I love that. It's like, fuck yeah, I'll dip a hamburger, a hot dog in there. I put Frank's on everything. It's my favorite. It's other than Marshall's hot sauce. Shout out to.

Oh, hot with you. Friend of the podcast, Marshall's hot sauce. Friend of the Ian Carmel, first of all. I'm glad you brought that up because I have been fucking up the hot sauce that he sent me. Did they send you some too? Oh, man. It's been on everything. It's been on all my shit.

I've had a bunch of it. I buy it as gifts from people. It's a guy I used to do improv with back in the day. I wonder how that tastes. Here's my address. It's the post. You liked it on Instagram. I think you said better share.

It's the post of those four hot sauces I think you said better share it's the post of those four hot sauces I put up oh yeah yeah I was jealous one of them's called ghost scorpion chili yeah I got the

ghost face killer too or no ghost pepper apple caramelized ghost scorpion dang yeah a scorpion ghost but it is fucking buck

like I did you send you the basil one we got yeah the basil tomato something ish yeah the basil one is lit, man.

They make such good, if you can get your hands on it, it's amazing. Yes. It's really good. Sometimes I'll just take a bowl of almonds and pour a bunch of it over it. Oh, man, that's a good idea. That's my whole thing with hot sauce. Yeah, spicy nuts. Spicy nuts.

But spicy like deluxe nuts. When I moved to Portland, I went on a diet to just kind of get my shit together. And I would get a chicken breast and green beans every night. I ate every night for like six months. But I put hot sauce on it. And I was using Frank's Red Hot. Because there's no calories or anything. And just a dab will do you.

Oh, yeah. Just a dab will do you. It's so good. And it really churches everything up. Also, combined with two other picks, butter and syrup, chicken and waffles. Oh. Oh, so good. Damn.

When I was living in Los Angeles. This might be the most hungry I've been after one of the food ones. I know. I'm really hungry, too. I'm kidding. When I was living in Los Angeles the first time, before I'd ever done stand-up. Down there by USC. Down in South Central.

When you were working at the, where were you working? I was going to the Groundlings and working at P.F. Chang's. And I was so broke. And I was so broke. And I would buy spaghetti noodles. And I would make spaghetti, and I would make spaghetto which is just spaghetti with Frank's Red Hot.

I would get just this Costco-ass big bottle like DJ Khaled in a swimming pool with champagne but it was Frank's Red Hot and like that and a little bit of that whatever,

Kraft Parmesan, you know, where like didn't it come out where it was like there's sawdust in it. And I was like, I don't care. I love the Kraft Parmesan. I love it. So just like a couple hits of that and a grip of the Frank's Red Hot and spaghetti. And like it must have been like a $2.40 meal.

And I would just eat that. And that would be dinner. That's a good dinner. But I still love it. I love that on pizza. Frank's Red Hot on pizza is so good. If I could go to a restaurant and order what you just described, but somebody made it and just a tiny bit better than I would at home,

I'd love it. I'll make it for you, dude. I appreciate it. I'll shave some hazelnut on it. That'll seem like, oh, I could have gotten this at a restaurant. Spicy almonds. You know what I like to do is I like to take

like the self bag of Doritos and put some hot sauce, Frank's Red Hot in it and then shake it up. Yeah. Yeah, like a walking taco with Doritos. You can also do it with

just with the sauce. Do it with a bag of popcorn and some Parmesan and Red Hot. Shake it up in there. Oh my gosh. Also, I'm glad you know about the walking tacos.

People seem to think I made it up. Oh, no. you guys know what a walking taco is right no it's not as common as you think bag it really it's bag of chips you just put all the taco ingredients in a bag of chips basically and it's like taco nachos no i didn't know that yeah you just spoon it you can eat it with a fork chili frito pie kind of adam this barely has anything to do my friend was in jail for a while and i'd never heard of this. He called it a prison burrito. He said all these dudes in jail would take like pickle juice and all the chips and like crushed up crumbs of whatever, roll it up into a chip bag, put it under the mattress. Oh, yeah.

Jailhouse tamale. Yeah. And then you get up and you unwrap it, and it's just like it's solidified, and it's pickle juice is what solidifies it, and it's just crumbs basically. Isn't that gross? My buddy does that with hot water. Yeah, super gross.

But anyway, Frank's Red Hot. We went off on a tangent. Prison Burrito's a nickname for a lot of different stuff. I bet you that's the best thing too. In the prison dictionary, there's probably six entries underneath.

Well, it's a prison burrito. So yeah, Frank's Red Hot. I don't have too much else to say about it. It's just such, it's my... The thick Frank's Red Hot. The thick is have too much else to say about it. It's just such, it's my- The thick Frank's Red Hot. The thick is so good. The thick and the thin.

I love them both. God, now I just want Frank's Red Hot. Yeah. So I mean, it's my favorite hot sauce, other than of course the aforementioned Marshall's hot sauce. Sure, sure. Amy Miller, it's time for your fourth pick. Both of my next ones got taken.

Okay, so now I'm going- Yeah, they did. The brother's crunk over here. Now it's getting a little crazy, and I'm going to go with apple butter. Whoa. I don't even know what you're talking about. I thought I was the only one broken up to have apple butter when I was a kid. Well, I'm not a big jelly fan.

I don't really like jams and jellies too much, and this is the best thing on toast. It's like Nutella, but in the middle of a jelly Nutella. Is it thick? It's made of apples. Yeah, it's thick. I feel like I've seen it before. It It's like Nutella, but in the middle of a jelly Nutella. Is it thick? It's made of apples, yeah. I feel like I've seen it before. It tastes nothing like Nutella, though. No, no, but it spreads like Nutella. Consistency-wise, yeah. Is it butter-based? It doesn't really have butter in it. It's like an apple

jam, kind of, but it's not chunky. It's like smooth. It really is good. Appley, cinnamony dreams. And, I forgot about apple butter. And it can be good if it's kind of cinnamony. For your toast. And you put it on toast? Yeah, pretty much just toast. You don't really fuck around with too much other apple

butter stuff. Or maybe you could dip fruit in it of some kind. A breadstick. That's still bread. Yeah, a slice of apple in some apple butter. That's good shit. I bet. Or like dip a carrot stick in it. Nope.

I got excited. You're living your own life over there. You can do what you want. I'm living new. My sister makes it from scratch and she'll like go sell it at little craft fairs. She's like an apple butter girl. The Pennsylvania Dutch love an apple butter. It's so good. Yeah. The Amish I feel like are big an apple butter girl. The Pennsylvania Dutch love an apple butter. It's so good.

Yeah. The Amish, I feel like, are big on apple butter. Sure. It's like a preserve. It's like a sweet preserve. Yeah. The vinegar caramelizes the sugar in the apple, and that's how they make it. It is good.

It is really good. God, that makes me... You said apple butter girl, and my mind is racing. She's got the apple butter jeans. I like that better than the apple bottoms. She just had apple butter smeared everywhere.

Yeah, apple butter. It's a weird one. I don't know. You just spread it on toast, right? It's pretty much it. Toast, crackers, I put it on a saltine. That's all I had. It's a good way saltine yeah that's all i had it's a good way to get carbs you know it's just it's like no but all the shit that you you know oh everything you dip it in it's creamy and tangy in there i don't know i feel like a thumb is a weird way to

go even if we're putting a finger and i put the index in there i can't you got more control no because then you have to scoop backwards and come back around. Oh, I see it now. It's a fell swoop. David's grabbing the top of it like it's a hostage and smearing the thumb on the inside. It is also good on chicken and waffles. That's another thing. Oh, yeah.

Spread it on your waffle. I could see that. I think there's a place called Plan Check here in LA where they bring out some apple butter with the chicken and waffles. That could be good because waffles are kind of sweet. That would be. That's fun. That's fun to think about.

But still put hot sauce on it. I don't give a fuck. Oh, yeah. Go nuts. Put some, you know, some Frank's on there. I'm into that. Good. I like that.

That's what I'm saying. If my sister brings me a jar, I'll give you one. I got two thumbs. And I know what direction they're coming. Right towards the old apple butter hole. Apple butter? B-A-B-H. Another sweet pick.

There haven't been too many sweet picks. No. Just that and syrup. Apple butter and syrup. Why was that so funny? That's the way he said it You know that and syrup Oh because you're a cartoon character I know

And sometimes I forget Yeah I am kind of a cartoon character Apple butter is the fourth pick David Borey It is time for your fourth And then Fifth and final pick.

Okay. Let's see what crazy decisions you're going to make. It's not crazy. All right. Sour cream. Okay. Okay. Sure.

Everything. I'm putting on eggs. Do you? Really? Yeah. Potatoes. One of my favorite treats, Triscuits and sour cream. You just get some Triscuits, like just dip it in?

Just dip it in there Sure You know what I mean What else do I like to put sour cream on I mean burritos and shit Once again You take a waffle Right

Okay Little bit of sour cream Little bit of jam Okay Sure We do that with blintzes What's a blintz It's like a

It's like a crepe, kind of. It's like a very small, fat crepe. Okay. For breakfast? Yeah. It's like a short, fat little- You put sour cream on it? Like a boysenberry jam and some sour cream.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Or like a fruit, yeah. Fruit dessert. I always forget about sour cream. Everybody does, man. It's just always in so much stuff that I eat. But I never buy it at home.

It's not flashy at all. It's not flashy at all it's not it really creates an environment for other things to shine it's tim duncan yeah it's the tim it is tim duncan it's the fundamentals of it's always there it kicks late you don't realize till the end of the meal and then you're like holy shit thank god they got the sour cream sad when you don't have enough though like it's always the thing that there's the least of on nachos and you're like sharing nachos with somebody and you go straight for the sour cream they really do they just take like one little dollop and put it on it doesn't matter they could be like deluxe they dollop it

out like like it's uh the avocado thing they are like what fuck i don't know if anyone's gonna take it who knows but yeah they just give you a little dollar they dollop it out like it's guac which is expensive yeah it, it's cheap. But it's sour cream. We know it's not. Yeah, and then you're fighting with your friends over it. And then you lose all your friends. Oh, yeah, don't you hate it when the nachos fresh come in?

Man. This motherfucker comes in hot-dogging, pulls off half the mountain. That's me. Oh, God, I can't stand it. And it's always the person who was like, hey, would you eat nachos? And they're like, nah, I'm not really going to. And then they get there and they're like, well, let me get one. All that guac.

Yeah, all the sour cream. All sour cream. Fuck that guy. Man man you really don't think about it but it really does set the stage for every other flavor oh it's a dramatic play

yeah it cools off the jalapenos it cools off the jalapenos it lets salsa shine my mom used to make this dessert that was like

jello and sour cream and you mix it up and it becomes like a creamy thing and then she chills it that'd be hard for me to eat I think My mom used to make this dessert that was like jello and sour cream, and you mix it up and it becomes like a creamy thing, and then she chills it. That'd be hard for me to eat, I think, the first time. It's good at keeping things. I ate it first as a kid, but now as an adult, I don't think I can talk myself into it.

It's sort of like ice cream. You've got to try it. It's great. Academically, I understand that it's probably good. It levels things out. It keeps stuff from being too spicy or too sweet. It's got a cooling sensation and tang.

Exactly. And it takes salt well, but it also adapts to sweet. It's great. Sour cream is really good. It's a real unsung hero. Yeah, people don't talk about it like they should. No. That's because there's never enough of it anywhere you go. That's how you know it's good. It's like me. You need to have some of Stink Eyes Chili. There's never enough David Boren. There's never enough anywhere you anywhere you go. That's how you know it's good. It's like me. You need to have some of Stink Eye's chili.

There's never enough, David Boren. There's never enough anywhere you go. Oh, on chili it's good. Stink Eye, his chili will look like it's fucking milk by the time he's done putting sour cream in it. That is good. Oh, gosh. That's a great idea. He just mad dogs it, like scoops and scoops, stirs it up.

And I'm like, well, it doesn't look like chili, but he loves it. I bet that's great with some Hormel and some sour cream. Oh, yeah. Looks like I got a night. I think it's the condiment I love the most that I never buy. Yep. Why am I doing this? I never do either.

I should live my life. I'm 36 years old. Dip a celery stick in there. I kind of have a job, sort of. Yeah, you're a working comedian. We're working right now. We're in our long hours. You just give me a bucket of sour cream.

I have a button and I press it like you get slimed with hollandaise. I think it's because I'm always afraid it's about to turn even though, you know, because it's like sour cream. I will say that is what happens when you buy sour cream. It goes. It's in the back of your head. It's like when you buy bananas because it's like sour cream. I will say that is what happens when you buy sour cream. It goes. From the day it's in the back of your head. It's like when you buy bananas.

It's got the name sour in it. It also does the thing where the mold will only be on the inside of the lid, and then you're like, well, it's not in the jug. Yeah. I can still eat this, right? Which is what I'm going to call my biography, first of all. It's only on the jug. It's not in the jug. It's not on the jug.

Sour cream is a real branding issue. Yeah. Why is it called something else? Well, it's called crema in Spanish, and that's delicious. Yeah, that's true. Like that one kind of tall, skinnier jar. Right. That's so good in coleslaw.

Coleslaw. A food. A food, coleslaw. Listen. Crema, nice. You can just say that all the time if you want. If sour cream was called like Penhaligon's. Oh, Penhaligon's sauce.

That would be like, let me get some Penhaligon's. Fuck this burrito. I was looking at your face. I'm like, Ian's cooking up a word. Penhaligon's. That was a word you were cooking up. Penhaligon's is just long enough to make it sound exotic. Penhaligon's. Yeah, it's like Worcestershire a little bit. Excuse me, Octavia. Could you pass say Penhaligon's is just long enough to make it sound exotic Penhaligon's yeah it's like Worcestershire a little bit excuse me Octavia could you

pass the Penhaligon's please that's it that's a full sentence that's a successful interaction sour cream delicious was that four or five that's four oh damn so cream cheese sour cream and what is the fifth one I have a crazy weird

list by the way It is a little weird It started with bacon It is a full fat list It always starts with bacon What's number five Last but not least I'm gonna take it off the white

Cause everything's been white Yeah I'm gonna say pesto Oh I love it Pesto's on my list too Pesto is a great one when you're broke And you got some spaghetti. Just a little goes a long way.

And it feels so fancy. Do you make pesto or do you buy pesto? So I buy it, but I was just at Sam Talent, friend of the program's house in Las Vegas, and he made some pesto. It's really easy to make. With the nuts and everything. Yeah, it's not crazy.

Well, you got to buy pine nuts, which are expensive. You can do pesto without the nuts. You can do it with walnuts, apparently. Oh, really? There's some other nut that you can do that even restaurants usually do. Why do I need nuts? I didn't know pesto had nuts in it. I thought it was cheese. It's nuts. It's all nuts. What?

It doesn't have to have nuts. It's garlic, pine nuts, salt, basil leaves, Parmigiano-Reggiano, and pecorino. That sounds like it's so hard to make. You just put it in a blender. You gotta have a Cuisinart. I like a creamy pesto on a pasta. Pesto chicken sandwich, tomato basil pesto, pesto in my eggs sometimes.

Even just a nice little hors d'oeuvre at a party that's like a crusty bread pesto and a slice of tomato and mozzarella. Like a bruschetta sort of situation? Sometimes if I'm really drunk. And you are. I'm real drunk. I hit the 7-Eleven. I come home. I take the buns, pull them off the hot dogs, open them up, smear some pesto on them, put them in the oven at 350 for a couple minutes.

Wow, you make your own bruschetta using hot dog bread. That sounds delicious. That is the most intoxicating mix of high and low culture that I've ever heard of in my entire life. You're only after the drunk. And it's like, but it's always like, every time I've done it, I'm like, whoa, this is Mr. Borey, they're going to crown you king.

That is an intoxicating scent, too. Like, if you walked into David's house and he was toasting up pesto bread you'd be like this is heaven where am I? this is what your house smells like? you see two loose orphaned hot dogs? the hot dogs get eaten while you're waiting

for the pesto bread to get done right? he's leaving them directly on the counter right on the key are they going back into the buns? Yeah, they're going back in the buns. Okay, okay.

All right. I thought you were eating them loose and then using the bread. No, I'm putting the dog back in there. He's saying, you wait right here,

little hot dog. I got a big surprise for you. I'm usually singing some type of SWV. Shirt on or off depends on what time of the night it is. I get so weak in the knees i can hardly

speak if solomon and marcella aren't home i'm definitely shirtless yeah will you do they pressure you to put a shirt on because i'll all i'm happy no shirt no i just for them we used to sit in our boxers when i never talk about it but we just don't have a big naked and now that there's a girl there i don't want to like force it on her. Solomon walks around in his underwear sometimes and says, I love my black body. And it's really cool. We're just doing what you think we're doing. No, that, you know, the aforementioned Zach was sitting at the other day with his shirt

off and I was like, only because he looks so good. was like what are you you're being a dick put a shirt on yeah you don't look normal you look like a fucking angel that part is true I was like just calling Marcella a girl does not encapsulate the kind of creature that she is I didn't I'm not I just like because it's also if I'm walking around shirtless now I gotta spar with her verbally I'm not ready to do that yeah yeah you're getting roasted but if you're roasting pesto she's roasting you yeah but if it's like late at night and i gotta go to the bathroom or something yeah i'm going yeah yeah totally in the bufferoonie no i would never i've never tried zone yeah between your room and the bathroom absolutely anything can happen there yeah yeah yeah sometimes you gotta make that i've even had like company

over and it'll be like not not late enough that I should be wiling out this hard, but they'll be like, I got to go to the bathroom. I'll be like, you don't even have to put clothes on. Just stop. Oh, you mean you'll have like a lady in the room? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I get that. I totally get that.

It's a flex. It's a flex. I'll walk over to our washer and dryer right from the shower and just change over there. That's a good move. Pull clothes out of the dryer. That's a good move. I never have clothes on at home. For me to worry about if somebody had a shirt on, I'd have to have a lot less stress in my life for me to care about that.

Be like, whoa, wait. I have a problem with that. Well, I think it depends on some people didn't grow up like that. I grew up. There's a bunch of pictures that I just hope my mom never tries to take on a problem with that. Well, I think it depends on some people didn't grow up like that. Like I grew up. I got there's a bunch of pictures that I just hope my mom never tries to take on a plane or something. There's just pictures of me naked as a boy. Why on the plane? Well, if you get caught and she's holding them loose, just frame pictures.

She has to explain it. Like, why do you have all these pictures of a naked boy? You look just like her. They're going to be like, that's your kid. Except for the penis. Oh, that's your kid. I'll the penis. Oh, that's your kid. I'll do the math. I don't know. I feel like it's

dangerous. Kelly Jordan sent me a picture on the book the other day of her and I kissing on the lips. Oh, I wish she would have just posted it. Like four? Sorry, I don't mean that, Kelly Jordan. I just have to swing when she doesn't know what a podcast

is let's say that ain't she's not listening years carmel lessons years down the road carmel's advanced kelly jordan's in that stone age no she had i was like four and we're just kissing on the lips and i'm like fuck man you're so gross you can know you can kiss kids on the lips it's funny yeah you can it was like one've been in that position that I have a long time to pay. But I didn't have a shirt on. That's why I thought of it. I didn't have a shirt on. But it was like one of those black and white photos of my stepdad's like an amateur photographer. But I'd look back and I'm like

it's so fucking weird. It's only weird if you paint it in that context. You don't think so? I think it's cute. You told me about it the other day. Kissing a little kid on the lips is adorable. Yeah mean, if you kiss your little kid on the lips, it's adorable. Yeah. They love it. They love kissing on the lips.

It's only parents that really stop that. Dude, sometimes I just go to the park, I kiss them all on the lips. Amy Miller, it's time for you. That was the worst place to have dead air. Amy Miller, it's time for your final pick. This is my last one? Okay. No, that's totally fine.

All right. Let me see. It's cute. Oh, she's time for your final pick. This is my last one? No, that's totally fine. Let me see. It's cute. Oh, she's got it in a frame. Oh my God, it's in a heart frame? It's in a little heart frame. I can't believe you were even, how dare you try to knock that. Sean's got a haircut like a Hummel figurine. Kelly Jordan's rocking what looks to be a perm, like a Midwest perm.

No, it's a perm. Midwest perm. Y'all. Got it at JCPenney's. Do they cut hair? They permed the shit out of it in the 80s when I was a kid. Pick five. Pick five. What do we got? Alright, I'm going

Wishbone Italian Dressing. Oh. Marinate stuff in it, put it on your salad. And solve mysteries Why wish Why not just Italian Why wishbone What's the

I don't know Ask wishbone Why it's so delicious That I had to specify Hey wishbone Why are you so delicious Oh this stuff I hate Italian dress

I'm not a big fan of I like all these Conflicting views That we got Colorful speckles in it I really liked the bottle As a child Cause it looked like

A crystal It looked like a crystal. It looked like it was made of crystals. Oh, it does have the like, yeah. It does, yeah, yeah. I know what you're talking about. You make a shish kebab, you know, roll it around in there before you put it on the barbecue. I'm sorry. I was thinking of Russian dressing.

I only dislike Italian. What's Russian dressing? Russian dressing is Thousand Island. Wait, what am I thinking? No, what's that red? French dressing. Russian dressing. I only dislike Italian. What's Russian dressing? Russian dressing is Thousand Island. Wait, what am I... No, what's that red... French dressing. French dressing. I hate French dressing. Catalina, you mean. I had... Catalina. I had a salad soaked in French

dressing, and I brought it out in the living room, and Ian's like, is that fucking hot sauce? He thought that the salad... He thought I couldn't see green. I'm like, no, it's's French dressing I didn't know you hated French dressing so much I hate French dressing I don't like French dressing either

I figure it's they're just repackaging so this wish but it's like a vinaigrette type thing Amy took Italian dressing so we're yeah this is like a vinaigrette type thing

right yeah well no it's not a vinaigrette because it's got a lot more stuff in it and it's like

you know it settles that's the fun part so you gotta shake it up so you feel so fancy shaking it up I mean look at this bottle part. So you gotta shake it up. So you feel so fancy shaking it up. I mean, look at this bottle. It's a very attractive bottle. It is a great...

But I always think it's... It's like a Crown Royal bottle. It just looks fancy. It's like Crown Royal for children. It should come in a Velveteen pocket. When I have to shake it up, I feel like it's spoiled. Like when I see things that settle at the bottom,

it feels like to me that it's gone bad. Really? I love shaking it up. Just in my subconscious, I'm like, me that it's gone bad. Really? I love shaking it up. Just in my subconscious, I'm like, oh, this must be bad. I love shaking like a juice. I love shaking it up. I love shaking it all.

I do love a shake. I love shaking it up. It's got Parmesan cheese in it. Really? Is that part of the sediment? That's part of the wishbone recipe. Part of the wishbone magic. Now, are you saying a shish kebab?

Yeah, a shish kebab, once you got everything on the stick, you just douse it with wishbone before you put it on the grill. Okay. Oh, sure. It's so good. I can handle that. On a salad, on a shish kebab.

Mm-hmm. Piece of chicken. Sure. That's mostly it. A bit of a marinade, too. Yeah. I remember the commercials would tell you. You remember they had the commercials where they're like,

it's not just for salads anymore. Yeah. It never was. They didn't have to tell us at my house. They didn't have to tell you guys. We knew it wasn't just for salads. We figured it out. We didn't have any salads.

We used to just take shots. That's how we knew. You know, I know it's not for salads because I've never fucking eaten it on a salad. I've had a lot of it. Now I'm thinking about it in my head, though. There was always salad dressing in the fridge. And my mom doesn't make salads either. We always had multiple salad dressings.

Oh. Oh, we had. Oh, yeah. I mean. Newman's Own for some reason. Yeah, Newman's Own was the shit. Because it was like Newman's Own was like the first in that wave of like kind of nice foods. It's expensive, though.

It really predated like the whole foods movement yeah it's a newman's own it seemed crap it seemed crafty you know lemonade yeah whenever somebody had the newman's own lemonade you'd be like fucking score man when i worked at a qfc as a bag boy for a year man great cookies great cookies at qfc i worked there and there was a big palette of newman's own and just other, various other juices in the back. And somehow, I forget how, it got tipped over and all these juices smashed against the ground and there was like a tidal wave of juice.

Oh my God. That went sweeping through the back and it was one of the coolest things to see ever. That's so rad. It was just this good ass smelling tidal wave of like various juices. I absolutely love it. It was one of the worst two hours of my life, but it smelled amazing. Get Ian on it. Get Ian to clean that up. Get the juice, boy. There's a juice wave

in the back. Ian, I'll pour. You'll figure it out. Cooler. My favorite wishbone recipe, almost forgot, can't believe it, is if you want to make a cold pasta salad, like a white trash pasta salad. I like that. With a curly noodle, black olives, some chopped up Monterey Jack cubes.

That sounds so good. You don't need any other seasonings. You could even do a little cold salami in there. Just wishbone. My mom used to do that with little, and she'd put little chunk, the chunked ham. Oh yeah. In the pasta, the cold pasta salad,

the little chunks of ham, but also the Italian. And then you were like, oh, ham, a condiment. Thanks mom. Come on.

Come on. Still, still with this one. Sorry I'm an innovator. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry I'm a thinker. My friend Dix back in the day,

he told us to go to the, we were going to the store and he's like, hey, pick me up some cub ham. And he made, he made us to go to the store and he's like, hey, pick me up some cub ham. And he made cubed ham, obviously. But yeah, he was dead serious. Yeah, get some cub ham. They cut it into these small little bear cub sizes.

He couldn't read? A big ham. He calls a mama bear ham. He didn't read. He had trouble with reading and spelling. He still does. I mean, he's like 40, but you know. Yeah, cub ham.

That's funny. So hungry now. Wishbone Italian dressing. Yeah. Excellent final pick. I'm just so excited. It's time for my final pick. Because you're not going to take mine.

I'm so stoked. And you're not going to take mine. I get my exact list. Go. So I'm going to, I was going to, I'm about to say a thing. What? Can I say the thing I want to pick, but I'm not going to? Oh, you're going to do the honorary mention?

I'm going to do my final two. I'm going to throw my honorary mention out real quick, because I'm 100% sure you're not going to take it. All right. Creamy horseradish. Definitely wasn't going to take it. I didn't think so. Oh, man. I love it.

It's on the list. Love creamy horseradish. I had horseradish, but you mentioned it earlier, so I didn't. I did bring it up, but horseradish, yeah, I guess it is kind of a condiment. But the creamy stuff. Beaver brand from Beaverton, Oregon makes the best fucking creamy horseradish. What do you like your horseradish on? Gefiltefish.

That sounds like a Jewish dish. It is. It is indeed. It was Pesach recently. Passover is the Gentiles, the Goyim call it. And I was in West Palm Beach, Florida. A table full of some of the oldest Jews you'll ever see in your life. I've seen some old Jews.

You've seen some old Jews. These ones were right up there with them. Carl Reiner was there. Carl Reiner was there, Mel Brooks. And we just like, it was so nice to be around a table full of people who not only knew but loved what gefilte fish was. Yeah. Gefilte fish is a cold nugget dumpling, cold dumpling made out of ground fish, like three different kinds of like white fish.

If I hadn't eaten it from like- This sounds crazy. It's so good. If I hadn't eaten it from the, like from birth, I think, I'm sure I would think it was horrifying. But since I did, I love it. Yeah. Is it like, is it like is it like brined

is it like salty salty it's salty it's a bit of a brine to it and you throw some creamy horseradish on it it's amazing but it's cold

it's cold I'll get it yeah we gotta make it so I'm not picking that but I just wanted to shout it out because I love it what I am taking is Hoi Fong

chili paste Hoi Fong is the same company that makes Sriracha. It's on my list. Yeah. It's so good. Can I see the packaging? Yep. You'll know it when you see it.

It's like, well, it's one of two things. Is it like the sweet and sour sauce? Yeah, it's the chili garlic sauce. Oh, yeah. It's like red. It's like Sriracha's cousin. Yeah, it comes in that red jar. It's got like garlic and chili in there.

It's got a green flat brim where Sriracha's got a green top hat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly, yeah. It's a little more gelatinous than Sriracha. I love it. When you go to Dim Sum, the Carmel's destroy it. Oh, man, they got to spoon. Yeah, they got to spoon.

And we'll just like... I'll tell you what. I've been to Dim Sum with the two Carmel boys, and they go hard in the paint at Dim Sum. I don't even know what to... I just... Whenever I go with Ian, I'm like, so you obviously know you in the paint. I don't even know what to, I just, whenever I go with Ian, I'm like, so you obviously know you have to order.

I don't know what I'm doing. You just pick. I'll conduct the symphony. You know, absolutely. You just look at it. You just sit there and listen. Yeah.

I mean, we used to go so much, me, you, and Shane in Portland, and you would just handle the ordering. I'm good. And I always left happy.

I'll tell you that. I'm good with him some situation. A nice steamed pork bun with that sauce, that chili garlic sauce. I love a good pork bun, but I fuck around with the shumai more so. I like the smaller the shumai, I keep it mobile. Oh, yeah. I like the little dumplings with the pork inside the steamed ones. Yeah, yeah.

That's the shumai. That's it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so good. Anything shrimp based. Yeah. Dim sum is always good. So good.

I've even started getting weirder progressively. It took me a while. When was the last time you went to dim sum? It good so good I've even started getting weirder progressively it took me a while when was the last time you went to dim sum it's been a minute I think it's been since I was in Portland like the day

I moved here we went to din tai fung we did go to din tai fung but I work all these damn weekdays if the writer's strike

happens we'll be at din tai fung two three times a week boy I'd love to work a week there. Shout out to Hoi Fung Chili Paste. I love it so much. It's so good. Dim Sum too, but like any... It's so great. I'd throw it in a pho.

You ever put it on a sandwich? No. I have. I've just spread it. I've done. I bet it could be good. I just never have. My sandwiches obviously are crazy though. That's definitely gone on the side of the plate when I'm eating microwave burritos as well. That's been another thing on the side of the plate where I just dabble in there. Well, that makes sense.

You eat burritos like other people eat just like bread. I know. And that's pretty cool. He's turned all the way around on it. I'm just thinking it's like, you know how people are just like, yeah, I'll just grab a piece of toast, smear some avocado or whatever on it. Yeah. He does that, but the base is a burrito. I'll just grab a's like, you know how people are just like, yeah, I'll just grab a piece of toast, smear some avocado or whatever on it. Yeah. He does that, but the base is a burrito. I'll just grab a burrito.

Yeah. I'll just grab a burrito, smear some apple butter on it. On the go. Dip it in some soy sauce. Some soy sauce. Thousand Island dressing. Just to remind us of the final thing. Not to remind us, but to let us know what your final pick will be.

What is the last thing you put on burritos, probably? Oh, I never have. I'd love to, but I only have access to this when I go to one certain restaurant. The restaurant is Arby's and the condiment is going to be Arby's sauce. Oh, isn't that like a barbecue? It's like a mix between barbecue hot sauce and ketchup kind of. It is Arby's sauce. Horsey sauce is their creamy horseradish.

Horsey sauce is their horseradish. God, they've got so many good sauces. Horsey sauce is their like,eradish. Horsey sauce is their horseradish. God, they've got so many good sauces. Arby's sauce is their like, it's like dark orange, maybe. It's spicy, loose ketchup, I guess. It is really good. It is hard to explain, too. Yeah. I've never actually tried to explain it before, though.

It's one cup ketchup, one tablespoon water, teaspoon brown sugar, quarter teaspoon onion powder, quarter teaspoon garlic powder. One teaspoon Tabasco. One teaspoon Worcestershire. Oh. Or some people call it Worcestershire. I had that on my list. Worcestershire. And some salt and peps.

Salty peps. It is. Yeah, so it's like a spicy ketchup. Yeah. I absolutely love it. I wish they sold it in stores. But they're not like really policing the sauce stations at Arby's too closely. No, I mean, I could just go mad dog a whole cup. You can take a bottle from the table, fill it up, and just take it home.

They could see you. You could tell them you were going to do it. They're 17. What are they going to do to you? If you come in their face, you take that sauce. You know what's funny is I'll probably end up going to Arby's tonight because that was my last pick. I bet you if I would have picked something else. Are you?

I'm going to go to the gym. I'll go to Arby's with you. What? Yeah, yeah. Come on. I thought you would think that was funny, but I got very serious. I didn't have anything funny to add to it because I'm like, he is going to the gym. I know that. And I probably will go to Arby's and I don't know. I wish I was going to Arby's instead. I didn't have anything funny to add to it because I'm like, he is going to the gym. I know that.

And I probably will go to Arby's and I don't know. I wish I was going to Arby's instead. No, it's garbage. The gym's going to be way better. It's more rewarding. They don't have any sauce at the gym. Yeah, they do. They got that awesome sauce.

You're the sauce at the gym, Ian. I'm the sauce at the gym. Also, you can't swim at Arby's. I've asked. That's true. True. Can I take a dip in that pool? They won't let you

barbecue what do I gotta do to get a jacuzzi in here that's what I say curly frizzles yeah yeah Arby's sauce man Arby's in general

kinda gets slept on people we're talking about this before there's only one people in California have a huge aversion to it and I don't understand

it was a steady punchline on the Simpsons and the Daily Show you had an Arby's joke for a while I probably did yeah what did they send you a bunch of and The Daily Show. You had an Arby's joke for a while. I probably did. Yeah.

What did they send you a bunch of shit? What was my Arby's joke? He's part of the anti-Arby's movement. I don't know how to feel. I don't remember. They sent you some shit when you were on Chelsea. Remember they sent you some gift cards and shit? That's true. You had a joke about horsey sauce.

That's how I knew about it. I heard about it from you. Did I? Yeah. Man, I was prolific. There's like an Arby's in Pasadena and there's one on I think Sunset in Hollywood and that's it

yeah that's it over by Malloy's house it's crazy I've never had one of their main items they did send me a grip of stuff I did a joke about them

on Chelsea lately yeah and they sent you like a care package yeah they're cool I bet I bet Arby's is cool like just as like a crew

yeah I think they are they got that big hat they have that Pusha T song in their in their commercials now. That bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp. Oh, yeah. We have the meat.

Oh, that is. I didn't realize that until you said it. Yeah. Pusha T. Pusha 1. Pusha T. Pusha T. Yeah, Arby's sauce.

Yeah. Pretty good. Pretty good pick. It's time to... That was the final pick. I'm really happy with my list, man. I feel real weird. It started off with a lot of conflict, this one.

This is a long draft. Way longer than I even thought it was going to be. All that conflict up front. So, David Bore, you started off with aioli. I started off with bacon. Stu thinks potato salad's a condiment. Come on. You need the hollandaise, cream cheese, sour cream, pesto, and no bacon.

What am I, a duke? That is bizarre. That is rich. Mix all those together and make a suicide sauce. Yeah, that's like a speedball for condiments. That's a gout-ass list. Amy, you did butter. Thank you so much.

Nacho cheese. Thousand Island. Apple butter. And then a wishbone Italian dressing. Two butters. All stuff you could bring to a picnic. Ian Carmel went with a ranch dressing, salsa, deli mustard, Frank's Red Hot, and then hoifong chili paste.

These all sound so funny. And then... What did you say? Isolate? Sean Jordan sriracha or sriracha. Sriracha. Dairy Queen white gravy.

Soy sauce, syrup, and then Arby's sauce. I feel like your list went the most places. It did. I agree. I took a trip around the world. Yeah, I think you really did.

That was really... If we had to do an analysis, if we had to do a Zach Harper, shout out to Zach Harper style analysis, I don't know, that soy sauce might cost you. That might be the weak cog in your lineup. I love it. You know, it's a passion pick. Not in his lineup, though, because he'll put it on anything. No, well, but yeah. Yeah, I mean it. You know, it's a passion pick. We'll see. Not in his lineup, though, because he'll put it on anything.

No, well, but yeah. Yeah, I mean, it's up to the people. It's up to the people. They decide who wins. We left some iconic sauces on the board. Ketchup? Yeah, we didn't pick ketchup. Nobody fuck with ketchup?

Ketchup is corny, though. Heinz 50, A1, cookies, none of the barbecue sauces. Mayo, barbecue sauce. Cookies, barbecue sauce. My favorite barbecue sauce. Yeah, mayo. Mayonnaise, yeah. Honey mustard?ies. Barbecue sauce. Cookies, barbecue sauce. My favorite barbecue sauce. Yeah, mayo. Mayonnaise, yeah.

Honey mustard. Jelly. Vinegar. Wasabi. Blue cheese. I was thinking about wasabi. Tartar sauce, guys. Tartar.

I love tartar sauce. Damn. Teriyaki. Tartar sauce is good, but it's good at like one thing. Fish sticks. Yeah. Fish sticks. Nobody picked any dessert, like chocolate syrup or anything.

Well, you picked syrup syrup. Well, yeah, but that's not a dessert. Yeah. Yeah, I guess. Yeah, those are dessert-y. I was thinking about doing marmalade. Oh, yeah, whipped cream. Well, yeah, but that's not a dessert. Yeah. Yeah, I guess. Those are dessert-y. Oh, yeah, whipped cream. Yeah, yeah. Oh, whipped cream.

Damn. I didn't even think about that. Sprinkles? Well, listeners, if you're anything like us, you're starving right now. Although, you're listening to this. You've probably eaten. We apologize. This is another one of those 6,000 calorie podcasts that we put out every now and then.

But thank you for listening. Thank you to our guest, Sean Jordan. Hey, thanks, man. Amy Miller, David Borey. Thank you. Thank you. Happy birthday, Zach Toscani. Woo-hoo.

Yay. And we'll be back next week with another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. that was a hate gun podcast