All Fantasy Everything - Countries For Fleeing (w/ Billy Wayne Davis, David Gborie and Sean Jordan)

Episode Date: March 23, 2017

Okay, lets say the shit gets too hot over here stateside. You gotta pack your bags and leave. Where would you go? Host Ian Karmel is joined by comedians Billy Wayne Davis, Sean Jordan and David Gborie to draft where they'd go in just this scenario. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. The podcast that takes, pulls, jumps out of the boat into the shallows and wades towards the shore. And the whole while it screams, I will draft this world as I see fit. You know, and there's birds and the birds chirp as though uncaring. But they look on with their wise eyes. Positive. Yeah. They're positive.

It's a positive chirp. Yeah, they're positive. You should draft somebody. That's our tagline this week. It feels good. You were in the pocket on that one. I was. I felt it.

Yeah. I could have kept going.. I could have kept going. I really could have kept going. I could have, but we have a thick topic today that I want to make sure we get to. Heavy, heavy. Today, we're drafting countries to which we would disappear in case shit got too hot over here stateside. Yeah, dude. Not the states.

That's important. the states are fine the america we are hot initially i was like america has collapsed i was telling our producer marissa i was like yes the idea is america has gone to shit yeah that's what i thought coming the whole country's on fire and we'd have to leave it's the same thing it's like a smaller part of america well if you weren't here i would i would think america was on fire i would abandon it immediately that's like that voice you hear sean jordan yeah back on the podcast silky smooth today man he is i needed that you were gone i needed that desperately that's it yeah i was gone so real quick yeah anybody who came to this show in Portland, any of the shows, or even one person in Salem and a couple in Seattle, thank you specifically for listening to this podcast. Yes, we had some all fantasy everything listeners go out and see some stand-up comedy because of the podcast.

Well, not because of the podcast, because they heard you on the podcast. You're so charming and wonderful. I appreciate that. For christ's sake i i mean for crying out loud for crying out loud no i appreciate it yeah six jesus's on a canoe cuddling real fast god don't even don't even make me get up and turn around yeah i'll get up and turn around and take my hat off i like the one jesus like i've had enough yeah i'm going home and he just walks across it's too hot in the kitchen i'm. I can't handle the heat. This is a farce. That voice you're hearing with that beautiful Southern tint to it.

Hey, guys. Billy Wayne Davis. Hey, y'all. At Billy Wayne Davis on Twitter? Yes. Stand-up comedian extraordinaire. That's about it. We met, though, via the Pacific Northwest.

Yes, I lived in Seattle for about three and a half years too long. Yeah. Most of the comedians I know from Seattle don't like Seattle that much. I think if you weren't a comedian, it's a great town. Right, it seems lovely for that. And even being a comedian, it's great.

Coming from somewhere where you can't get up every night. Yeah. Like from Nashville. Oh, yeah, yeah. And then when you get to a real city where you're like, oh, I can go up every single night. Right, there's plugged-in microphones every night of the week.

But then you meet the people there and you're like, this is a nightmare. There's a weird thing happening there and a little bit. That laugh, David Borey, of course, the G is silent. That was a knowing laugh, too. That wasn't like, you're talking shit. You're like, you were speaking truth. Oh, yeah, I lived in Washington until I was 12, man. It's not a warm people.

Until you were 12. I like that people were being cold to you when you were 12 like get the fuck out of here kid i'm trying to tell you man i moved to colorado and i didn't understand why people were so nice it took me like a while to realize like oh they're just they're just better here david put that fucking candy down people in portland are nice no that's it's totally different yeah yeah it is completely different and i i assume the opposite for a while and then went to portland for like a three days and i was like wait yeah you've been propaganda seattle little brother yeah river it's the best yeah even now like even it's too weird now portland yeah it's the well portland Here's my quick take on...

It's tipping. My Reader's Digest take on Portland. It used to be real weird, and now the kind of weird it is is like this kind of Disneyland weird. Like when you go to like... You know, like this isn't actually an Austrian village. Yeah. That kind of thing.

It's the trying too hard. It's trying too hard. That's what I was going to say. It used to be like real weird where you walk the streets and you're like, people are off here. Yes, exactly. And I like it. Now it's like every day at 345. It's the tall bike parade.

Yeah. I lived in Austin and Asheville, and I was like, well, I just want to go ride stupid bikes in Portland. Yeah. And you're like, okay. And they did. And then you're like, where are- They all did.

And then they made careers out of smelting those bikes together. Yeah. Do you smelt a bike? You can smelt a bike. Scrapper was a bike smelter from way back. There's like a button shop. Like a full-time button shop in Portland. There's like hella make your own... You get like a small habitat.

You put little plants in there. Like a diorama? Basically a diorama. But you know those hipster dioramas? You make your own? Yeah. They make money. Multiple stores. I want this kind of gravel and that very small plant.

There's a terrarium store specifically. Is it like when you're in Humboldt County, you play Humboldt and there's just three Frisbee stores in Arcata and you're like, oh, these are just play Humboldt. Yeah, I do. I love it. And there's just three Frisbee stores in Arcata, and you're like, oh, these are just all fronts.

Yeah. You don't actually make money. I don't know. I think if there could be three functioning Frisbee stores, it would be in Arcata. Yeah, I do. Where you're like, no, we all make money here.

One of them's like the Frisbee store for heads. One of them's a more casual Frisbee store. Yeah, the one's a poser Frisbee store. It's so plastic. One of them's just the frisbee store that's been there the whole time you know you're visiting stepdad's like well i need a frisbee and you're like go down to dave's yeah go get it at dave's chumpzilla i'll get it at fucking noah's where the real frisbees get thrown down you know what i mean all three of them are named no putters the good noah's what is it about noah it's such a biblical last name but like most of the people All three of them are named Noahs. Putters. The good Noahs. What is it about Noah?

It's such a biblical-ass name, but most of the people I know named Noah have very carefree lifestyles and don't wear shoes that often. Noahs like to party. They've all done some fish time. Some time-following fish. A lot of fish Noahs. I know a Noah that boned what's now his wife in the middle of a party when we were just out of high school. Dog. God and everybody? What do you mean in the middle of a party when we were just out of high school. Dog. God and everybody?

What do you mean in the middle of the party? Literally? Like in the middle of the party. Literally. Yeah. And now they're married? I mean, that's a way to go after that. Yeah.

I mean, you got to shoot. I can hunt. I can gather. I can have sex anywhere. Do they fuck at the wedding? Well, clearly he does. You don't have to finish the vows they do they're doing yeah so how does that start that there's so many i wasn't there for the inception i just

walked like i walked in because i heard i heard talk of that happening and i was like nah is this portland no no it's uh sioux falls south dakota the the place to be oh oh my god yeah how much is that dakota is more than yeah i'll tell you where south dakota is the united states of america that's not which unfortunately falls within the jurisdiction of whoever's pursuing us for whatever crimes we committed in this hypothetical situation what are we drafting today is countries to flee to if shit gets too hot in the united states the way we determine the draft order is the three of you will play a game of rock, paper, scissors. We go on shoot.

Yuck, yuck, yuck. Yuck, yuck, yuck. Yuck, yuck, yuck. And whoever, you know, if you all tie up, we'll do it again. I don't need to explain it on air. On and out wins? Yeah. Here we go.

So get ready for rock, paper, scissors, the three of you. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. And oh, David wins. We had two scissors and a paper. I went right-handed on it. David Borey went back to his winning ways. You normally go left-handed. This is God-given.

It's not me. It is. You and Bobby Miles, it's God-given. Rock, paper, hova. Hype is something that's not real. That's not true. Hype is real. Just go on Netflix

hype Williams have you not seen Friday Night Lights that's when he's brushing his hair it's a funny braggadocious thing hype ain't real this is real this is God given I see I don't need to live this is God given whole movie or no

what is it Friday Night Lights watch the movie and then the entire series and then tell a popular fan of the podcast and previous guest Shane Torres

what you think of it oh Sugar Shane Torres Sugar Shane Torres explosions in the sky does he love it or hate it Shane and I I mean

we once got a whole pizza each and just watched episodes of Friday Night Lights until the pizza was gone see I feel like that's my dad's a high school football coach in Tennessee. So that's like. So when I watch it, I'm like, yeah, I know this. That might be enough.

Yeah. I don't know. I tried to watch that show about the guy whose dick was too big and I couldn't get through it. I get it. I can watch those shows all day. My dad's dick is too big. My dad's dick is too big. Oh, not mine.

I have a very small penis. Yeah, that's what it would be like if your dad's dick was big. Put it up, Diane. Put it up. So, David, it is a serpentine draft. Now, keep that in mind while determining the draft order. So, here's how I'm going to go. I don't want to be on the end anymore.

I feel like I get panicked. I force myself into strange moves. A la Tiffany. It's cozy in the middle. I'm going to go Billy Wayne, myself, Sean Jordan, Ian Carmel. That's our order. So that means Ian has the fourth and fifth pick

because it's a serpentine draft. A drafted serpentine. Sort of like the snake on this corduroy hat that you bequeathed to me. I did bequeath it to you. In my estate sale. My pre-death estate sale. So Billy Wayne Davis, you are now on the clock. You have the first pick in the countries to flee

to in case shit gets too hot. All fantasy, everything draft. I would go to the Netherlands. Damn it! That's a good move. I think I'd fit in the most. I wouldn't stand out there. I'd actually be the dark, handsome guy there. In case anyone's wondering, Billy Wayne Davis, if you can't look it up

right now, you look like a wizard turned a clog into a person. You do. You look very Dutch. You look like you could be a Dutch person. That's a meaner way to say it. Obviously, I know where the Netherlands are, but just for those people listening who might not know, because I do, for sure, know know where the netherlands are but just for those people listening who might not know because i do for sure know exactly where the netherlands are but

where exactly it's like for the listener it's a little above europe pretty much northwestern europe upper europe like it's cold but i think you know soon it won't be yeah so it'll be like it's nice here yeah it's like what L.A. used to be. The Netherlands is where Amsterdam is. Yes. Yeah. Which is a huge reason for going there. And all their laws are very logical and they're pretty sound thinkers where they're like,

there's not a lot of, there's like spirituality, but there's not like weird religion. So everything makes sense there. Yeah. They all ride their bikes a lot too. I mean, I guess, but. Hella bikes. Yeah. Hella tall blonde people. Hella weed. religion so everything makes sense yeah they all ride their bikes a lot too i mean i guess but hella bikes yeah hella tall blonde people hella weed great history of footballers yeah yeah yeah they invented insurance did they really i think so why don't you know all this stuff about yeah that's crazy uh they invented insurance i thought the italians invented insurance

they perfected it my neighbor c Cedric Van Hoof was Dutch. Yeah, he was. Real motherfucker, that guy. Why was he a motherfucker? He was just... No, he was an overcoming bigot, but I got to watch him get over it. And he made his own beer, which was pretty cool. Very savvy.

That's the one downside of the Dutch, is that a lot of them are bigoted. I sit here in America where we did elect Donald Trump, but they almost elected Geert Wilders. That dude, Geert. Geert. Yeah, Geert. He was evil as fuck, but they didn't elect him and we did. So actually, good on you, the Netherlands.

Here's another criticism. And I like your pick. Of the Netherlands? No, you can criticize. I wanted to pick it myself. I was upset when you picked it. But, so the country is called the netherlands but they call themselves the dutch yeah also it's holland what are they trying to hide

who cares that's why you want to go there because we're talking about all their names instead of what they're actually hiding i guess that is you go there and get to the bottom i want to go there and get to the bottom you go and get to the bottom i won't because people will be like where's billy wait why is it called the netherlands and holland and why do you call yourself the and i'm already in a matter they're not gonna worry about that that bicycle stripping business that you fled that you got busted for in the u.s which is why you don't really like the bicycle craze in the netherlands they're gonna be so focused on is it holland where's amsterdam how much is a hooker amsterdam is dope amsterdam is like uh portland with history and also legalized

prostitution sure it kind of has that vibe to it really that's what i've had oh amsterdam is the best city in the world i went to a i went on a trip over there it's beautiful and i didn't i didn't like how old were you i was 31 i was there last summer oh and you just went. I just went. As a grown up. As a full grown man. And you did not lay in sin. I did not lay in sin.

Good. Though several people did. It's weird. The red light district, when you walk through it, there's like families there with you. They walk through it like it's Disneyland. They do. They're just like, oh, there's a woman in a window. You know, and the woman's like, it's a living.

You're just walking through there. And I thought it would be seedy and people would be ashamed of themselves. But they just aren't. No, there's kids. I spent a whole day in a brothel doing a documentary. And it was in Nevada. And you realize how when it's legal, it gets real casual. Yeah, right?

Is that the bunny ranch? It was right next to Suszy's ranch or something like that okay it's right next to the bunny ranch okay okay there's like two and they're both nice the cul-de-sac not some cul-de-sac you know it is it's a cul-de-sac yes it is yeah the sherry's ranch that's it sherry's ranch is the end bunny ranch is right there and like you do feel like you're like oh there's no way this shouldn't be legal for everyone. Right. Because it protects both sides.

There's taxes involved. Right. It's good for everybody. It's crazy. Yeah. It's more insane than it's not. When you go see it, when you go see it,

you're just like, oh, well, this is stupid. It's crazy it's not. Not that it is. It's crazy it's not. It's crazy that it's not legal. And when you go to Amsterdam in your pick, the Netherlands, it's even more evident. It's even more stuff.

Weed is legal. I had the best day there. Did you buy mushrooms, right? I didn't. I just got really, really stoned. But you can buy mushrooms? I think so. Everyone I know trips balls and...

Yeah, you can do mushrooms over there. You can smoke weed. Yeah. Of course it was a good thing. There's like a boat. There's flowers. There's canals and boats. It's just... It really is the fucking... That's what you got to show everybody. was like a boat there's flowers there's canals and boats it's just it really is the that's what you got to show everybody like look there's still flowers

there's still boats there's still people you know not everyone's dead and like everybody's chill there's not like insane crime over there do mushrooms and weed and and have sex whenever they want yeah i loved i get one of my favorite days ever was the fourth of july which is one of my favorite holidays but i was in amsterdam sure i which is one of my favorite holidays, but I was in Amsterdam. Sure. I got real stoned. And it was also the day that Kevin Durant was going to sign with somebody. So I was like super stoned following basketball on my computer, just having a great time, joking around on Twitter.

And then I got way too stoned, and I forgot that I had made a dinner reservation at a Teppanyaki place, which is basically like Benihana, but with a Michelin star. So, like, basically the best Benihana in the world. Oh, that sounds amazing. That's how I found out what that Michelin star was. It's like a restaurant rating system by a tire company, but we all believe it for some reason. Is it really by the same people? Yes. It's by the Michelin tire company.

They originally were a little history, I swear to God, because they developed that guide to get people to travel around France more. Oh, shit. So they would use up their tires. So it was like, yeah, you get the guide. Go for some day trips and shit like that. And then the guide just became so prominent. But yeah, it's the same company.

Tight. Anyway, I'm dressed basically like I am now, which is scummy. I was wearing shorts and like a hoodie. He looks good. I look, thank you very much. It works. And I had a backpack. And I ran out of time to go back to the hotel and change.

So I had to roll into this super nice restaurant, dressed like that with like a hoodie and like shorts in my backpack. It's the backpack that throws you off. You can be like a goofy rich dude. They made me check the backpack. The backpack, you that throws you off. The backpack really fucked me up. Like a goofy rich dude. They made me check the backpack. The backpack, you're like, well, look at this douchebag. Right.

Was it cargo shorts or standard? Standard shorts. Okay. It was a standard black short. Okay, that's not crazy. It was a black. It's the backpack. Yeah.

It's the backpack. It's the backpack. If the backpack gets you, we're like, come on, dude. So clearly blazed. I don't know why you sound like me at a funeral. My face looked like a Buddha in a chinese restaurant

i was like so stoned and the woman walks me back to the table and while she's doing she's like you know we have a i don't know i can't do a dutch accent you know we have a you know you know we have a dress called close hey we got a dress code over here hey we got a fucking dress that could have been really accurate i don don't know. We know. We can tell. I had no idea. And she sits me down. I'm like, but I can eat anyway, right?

And she's like, yeah, you can eat anyway. And I sat down. I was across from a guy who had a crest on his jacket. And I was like, we're having way too different evenings. Yeah. Oh, man. Yeah. I just like.

And he's like jealous of you. He's like, this guy gets it. Yeah, I love his carefree American ways. I was slamming martinis. I assumed everyone thought I was like Action Bronson you know because oh that's yeah yeah because i'm like a big fat american guy wearing shorts in a really nice restaurant man they don't know like he's he's that guy from vice yeah i would love to hear the conversation of two people thought you were action bronson and i could listen to them be like no that's got to be actually it's got to be actually

you fucking idiots anyway you could be doing that shit on the regular over there in the netherlands that's what i'll yeah well yeah escape you made it that's a strong pick strong opening pick billy wayne this smart to invest for most of your pick what's some other shit you like about the netherlands i think you nailed it all right yeah and it also you can tell I'll blend in because I'll just let people talk for me all the time. Where'd he go? He's in a boat again.

He's in a boat! You can Airbnb boats. See? I'll be fine. I assume Amsterdam doesn't speak for all of the Netherlands, but pretty dope country. True. And if you want to get out of the access for a while, you just go to a go somewhere.

You go to like a farm somewhere. It's also my number one pick if shit goes south with just the United States, not just me. I would still go there too. If America burnt. Yeah. I think it'd still be a good pick. Yeah. David Borey.

Okay. It is time for your first pick. So, I mean, Obviously I'm on the run I did something bad I'm gonna Embrace him to the fold of the motherland's bosom Yeah Sierra Leone, West Africa

Sierra Leone I thought you were gonna say Tacoma Billy you Yeah Where are my family My whole family's from there I'm the only one who's from Tacoma Nah I know but it's just funny

That you would just go disappear back in Tacoma That's what I thought At the Chihuly Museum And I don't disappear back in Tacoma. That's a funny thought. At the Chihuly Museum. And I don't think anybody from Tacoma calls it the motherland either. I bet you there's a couple. There's people calling it the motherfucker. Unfortunately, there's some people who call it that.

Sierra Leone, your family's from Sierra Leone. Yeah, whole family's there. I would go to Freetown. I would go to John Street to my cousin Moses' house. Yeah. Dude, you shouldn't give the address of where you're going. I think I would. You're hiding. I'm coming for you.

No, I would go to John Street, my cousin Moses' house. Oh. I got a big family. That's bold as fuck. And I dare you to show up at Moses' crib. Yeah, man. I did. Like, you can't.

Because that's the thing about Sierra Leone. I was there for like four months. No cops, except when I went to the U.S. Embassy. Yeah. Didn't see one police officer. They're not going to, where are you going to find me? Who's going to snitch on me? My Uncle Daniel?

Yeah. Come on, man. He loves me. What is Sierra Leone like? What is Freetown like? It fucking rules. It's gnarly, though. Yeah.

Like, when I got there, like, I like it when I'm kind of greasy. Yeah. But, like, when I got there, because I flew by myself, and when I got there, I linked up with my cousins. We're taking the ferry to go to my uncle's house, and I looked down in the water, and there was just a dead dog floating. I was like, yo. What? It's horrible. It sounds like Alabama.

It sounds horrible, but it also sounds like the kind of place where they're not going to find you. They're not going to find me. I'm going to hang out, man. I'm going to drink Fanta's at the Family Kingdom. What's the Family Kingdom? It's the only tourist place that the locals go to. Yeah. It's like, I mean, you can maybe call it an amusement park.

And, yeah, I go there, eat some Chicken Champ. They have this, oh, man. You're saying almost things. Like what's chicken what? Chicken Champ is like the chicken restaurant, the big chicken restaurant. Oh, okay. In Freetown. So, yeah, I do that.

They got a chimpanzee reserve that's pretty fun. Whoa. Oh, man. So we went to the chimpanzee. They let you run around with them. Yeah, no, we went to the chimpanzee reserve, right? And me and my mom were there, and there was this chimpanzee, and he was hucking giant stones at us yeah like these giant like because you don't realize how

strong they are like these giant like boulder types you met donkey kong yeah close dude yeah so i was like man that's fucking crazy and the guy who's giving us a tour is like oh yeah that's bruno he's like our craziest chimpanzee i was was like, all right, weird. And then I come home, and like three years later, I'm talking to my friend's mom. And she was like, yeah, I saw this thing on, what's that? I Shouldn't Be Alive show? Oh, yeah. She said, I saw this thing on I Shouldn't Be Alive. There was this chimpanzee who like ripped these dudes' arms off and shit like that.

And it was in Sierra Leone. Isn't that funny? And we watched it. It was fucking Bruno. Whoa. Bruno's building up to it. Isn't that funny? And we watched it. It was fucking Bruno. Whoa. Bruno's building up to it. Yeah, that's why he was training. He was lifting weights.

He was in the gym. He's like, I'm not sure. Once I can throw this thing 17 times, I can rip your arms off. I'm going to kill you all. I will rip some arms off. They think I'm crazy, but I'm going to rip their arms off. But that's just one day. You know, I do a lot of other shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What would you, is there a profession you would assume over in Sierra Leone? What do you think you would slide into? That's what I was thinking, is that I speak good enough English that there are some, like, European companies that are there. Yeah. I'd just be an assistant. There you go.

It's like an upper-middle-class life. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's not terrible. And as a former criminal here, where you had to get out, it's perfect. It's great. It's ideal. You're not being prisky.

I'm laying low. I'm not wild and I'm not shining. But on the weekends, I would turn up. Does it go off in Sierra Leone? It goes down. My cousin works at a disco. It's great. It's so much great.

I would love to go to a disco in Sierra Leone, man. It was so much fun. That would sound so fun. And when I went there, I was 16, but they're dumb. They're not dumb, but they're like, you're a man. So I got to do whatever I wanted. So I would just go places with my one cousin, and we would just go and do weird shit. And you could just get hambrins here, Leon, at 16.

Yeah, I lifted weights one time. Which was really weird. What did you say? You lifted weights? I went to lift weights because I was summer. It was summer going into senior year so everybody's like it sucked that i wasn't lifting that summer yeah you know what i mean so i found a place that was real cutty it looked like that dmx video yeah yeah yeah

one of the workouts is just pushing an atv it's bruno with just rocks yeah what do they fucking what do they listen to in sierra leone they listen to all the american music yeah they also like the hit that summer was the song danfo driver by these nigerian dudes that was real popular yeah and they love sierra leone music like they love their own music yeah because there's like a pretty strong musical culture there right yeah like west africa in general but sierra leone specifically, they're pretty musical, and they have all their own record labels and shit like that. So there's a lot of famous guys, but you'd see them. Yeah.

You know what I mean? You'd see them in the streets and shit. It's like in Jamaica, where the big dance hall guy is at the club that night. Yeah, and they have huge parties. I had to work. You had to work? He had to work. Coming out of the kitchen.

Everybody's like, there he is! Just a weekend thing for me, guys. Sierra Leone. Sierra Leone. Excellent pick. Sean Jordan. Before you pick, I want to remind you, South Dakota is part of the continuous United States of America. It's not.

All right. It is a state and a state of mind. United States of America. It's not. All right. It is a state and a state of mind. I would take this South Dakota representing ass to Costa Rica. Costa Rica.

I would go. Yeah. I think that's a mistake. You think it's a mistake? Oh, a little dissent. What's your issue? It sounds like you're going to snitch on me. Do I need to kill you before I go to Costa Rica? No.

It depends on how much money you have because the cartels are still in charge of everything there. That's fine. They can be in charge. I mean, I don't think I'm getting... What did I get? What am I leaving the U.S. for? I don't know. I just feel like you would stand out a little bit in Costa Rica where you would probably be a target pretty quick.

I thought there was a lot of expats in Costa Rica. I thought it was kind of a go there. But I think that they're aware of who's who and stuff like that. Yeah, but they're not telling on me. So some stranger shows up. Yeah, but I just blend. All of a sudden, one of these cartel guys gets a call with a 3-1 area code on it.

I know. It's in the Netherlands. It's Billy Wayne batting on you. I told you not to do what you did. The snowflake is on the beach drinking a mojito. I repeat, the snowflake is on the beach. Costa Rica. So let's say you evade the cartels for the time.

Which cartels are in Costa Rica? The ones that are giving me coke. The Costa Rican ones? Yeah, Costa Rican cartels. It's part of the reason I want to go. It's very nationalized there. That's how they do cartels there. I mean, part of the reason I wanted to go is I could get drugs when I wanted them.

And the cartels are going to help with that. Have you been to Costa Rica? You've been to Costa Rica. A lot of people go there. And you know what I think about places like that? You could just get a job at a tourist place. You speak fluent English. There were dudes who didn't have jobs who said that.

I mean, there were dudes that I was there for like two weeks. And I saw these dudes every day, all day. And they were like yeah you know i do this and i'm like no you don't you're at the bar all day with me because i was on vacation wait what was this that they say though that they did one of the dudes said he was a driver so maybe it was another dude you can live on like five bucks a day there right yeah it was i was a millionaire drunk so that's when you check the atm i was a millionaire and that that was with like $900 or something. That's amazing. You were like, so you'd go by like Chandra, that'd be your new name.

You'd be Chandra the jet ski guide. Yeah. Oh, man, yeah. I just run a couple ski-dos. Yeah. You buy a couple ski-dos with whatever blood money you have from whatever you did in the US. Yeah. I'd know enough Spanish to get by, but like kind of in an annoying way.

Yeah. But also kind of like what he's trying. And you learn you're immersed in the culture.'s the best way to do it yeah i think i'd want to be a tour guide i think what's dope about costa rica everything was dope about costa rica it was just the uh the constant sun i'd never seen black sand before we were on a black sand beach constant perfect tropical weather like it's like a m J. Blige video out there. Yeah, but it's going to get way worse. It's going to get hotter down there, too. I mean, I was there in like July or something.

It was pretty... I mean, I can handle it. That's another thing. I'd get bronze. I'd get a little... You'd get acclimated. Yeah, I'd kind of look like a baseball glove by the end of it.

Oh, you run for city council? Uh-huh. Yeah, I wouldn't run. I would be on city council. Yeah, we'd get soda machines in every bodega. New soda machines in every bodega. It was just a dope place. The animals were awesome.

There were, what are those big red birds? Parrots. No, not parrots. Macaws? Macaws, yeah. A macaw is a parrot. Is it a parrot? Oh, yeah.

Bang, I'm back, baby. It's a parrot. Then there were two huge parrots that were at our villa constantly. There's lizards everywhere. It was tight. Kimono dragons? Kimono dragons, yeah. Kimono dragons.

Yeah, little dragons in silk robes walking around everywhere. For some reason, I always thought that Costa Rica was an island, but here I am looking like a fucking chump on my own podcast. I didn't know where it was until I got there. Until we had Wi-Fi at the villa. And yeah, I thought it was way farther south than it was. It's between Nicaragua and Panama. And that'd be fun too, because I'd know that I was kind of living on the edge a little bit.

Like, you know, keep me on my toes. I'm right there in the guts, but I'm like in the calm part of the guts. What are you doing in Costa Rica? How are you blending in? Are you going to the jungle? Are you going to a city? The jet skis. Just on the jet skis.

There's a skate park in Jaco, which I think is where I would take up my residency, maybe bartend. I think that sounds fun. Yeah. Yeah, just kind of blend in, bartend, live a chill life. You could give skateboarding lessons to the children of the elite.

I'm already doing that. Oh, and they protect you. That would be great. And then they would protect you. That's very smart. It's like man on fire, but with skateboards. Yeah. I just blend in there like, oh, well, someone's got to teach my kid how to skateboard.

I can't do it because I'm too busy running things in the Costa Rican cartel. I see this life you've planned out for yourself. You guys kind of, you built it for me just now. I didn't have any of this built. Now I'll read the entire flora and fauna section about Costa Rica from Wikipedia. Costa Rica, I like the pic. Yeah, it's fun. I mean, that's, you know, mojitos on the beach every day, a lot of hard bodies.

I feel like it would motivate me to get in shape. Would you get a hard body? I think I'd try. I'd take the walk. You'd have the time. You'd take the walk. Yeah, I'd be like, well, you know, we'll give it. I'll try to get a hard body like that. And I think that maybe I'd get the time. You'd take the walk. Yeah. I'd be like, well, you know, we'll give it. I'll try to get a hard body like that.

And I think that maybe I'd get skinnier. Costa Rica, it looks dope. It was. Monkeys. I saw a sloth. Did you know Southwest flies there? Southwest flies to Costa Rica? Yeah, I got a companion pass this year.

And I was like, where can I take this lady? Yeah, you took her to Costa Rica? We're going to. Oh, you're going to go? Man, that's where it's at. And then they also now Havana. Havana well on southwest southwest yeah yo i can go on south that's crazy you can fly southwest that's fucking awesome to your to your so is it really an escape if you can fly southwest well you're giving all the secrets away. It was before. Sean Jordan, you picked Costa Rica.

I picked Costa Rica. It is time for my pick, the final pick of the first round. Let's hear it. Now, right now, I don't know if anyone's seen a recent picture of me, but I'm rocking a mustache. Hard, thick mustache. It looks good. I look like the cover. Thank you very much.

I saw you on the show where you ran out and gave him flowers in the street. I was on a plane, and I was like, hey, that mustache looks good. It's a good mustache. You look like a bouncer at a Russian bathhouse. Thank you very much. Yeah. Get out. I feel like I look a little bit like the guy in the pizza box.

Like a little bit. He's a spicy meatball. I look a little bit like a fat Freddie Mercury. That one's a festive Freddie Mercury. A festive Freddie Mercury. Kind of a festive Freddie. So what I'm doing is I'm taking this mustache, and I'm flying right to Italy.

I'm getting off the plane. Oh, shit. And I am seamlessly integrated from Jump Street. Nobody's looking at me and thinking that's not a big, fat Italian guy. That's true. Maybe I develop a gnocchi recipe. I don't even know what that is, but I trust you. it's the round kind of it's a dumpling oh yeah those are delicious yeah it's one of my favorite kinds of pasta i can see you doing that yeah it's funny i think you

should just do that i might just do that it might i don't even shit might not even have to go down i'm in italy i'm wearing white pants white shirt brown leather belt linen linen everything it's blowing what I can't wait for what I can't wait for because I mean it's Italy for me for the rest of my life

I'm never coming back to the States and I can't wait not after what happened like an old not after what happened I mean in the outfit I'm wearing

I can't wait to just sit at a cafe in that all white outfit people are playing bocce ball nearby I don't fuck with it anymore but but I still like to watch it. And you get a text that says, it's done. It's done.

Yeah. But I'm sitting there. You're still getting those texts. I'm sitting there drinking red wine and beautiful women walk by and I just say, la bella. And they know I'm harmless. Mi corazon. It is like catcalling, but it's the sort of Italian old guy catcalling that comes off as charming.

I like that somehow you got old in this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just saying I'm going to be in Italy for the rest of my life guy cat calling that comes off as charming. I like that somehow you got old in this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just saying I'm going to be in Italy for the rest of my life. Yeah, you got time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's what I'm going for. Maybe I learn the mandolin.

Yeah. Oh, man. Serenade the beauty. Yeah, just playing the mandolin. And I'm thinking like southern Italy so I can just drop the vowels off the end of words. Like, as you say, like lasagna, a bocchettino, you know, that kind of thing.

A book of the bip. A book of the bip. I like a book of the bip, you know? I think we just started a GoFundMe for you to do that now. I should live in Italy. Yeah. I should. It sounds so beautiful.

And you guys don't see me for a couple weeks. You're like, I'll just go hang out with Ian in Italy for a couple weeks. It's pretty fun. Yeah. They don't know he's not Italian. Yeah. They just, they look at him. I guess they can't pick up the accent thing.

Imagine if the rest of the night after this was just us going 10 feet to your front porch, which is on a fairly walkable, busy street in Italy. We'd just drink wine the rest of the night. Italians are very into rope food, which I like for some reason. There'll be salamis on ropes hanging.

There'll be a string of garlic. Processed meat. Yeah. Processed meat. Old, the original processed meat. They are. They put food in caves and then just came back a year later. Okay, it's still here.

Anybody want to give it a shot? There's not a bear in here. Do you think that's how sausage was invented? A sort of a bear detection system? Yeah, like, we'll keep this bear happy. And he died of natural causes. And they're like, hey, this meat's pretty good. You might be right.

Because something had to be the first time they ate salami. Or just forget they put it in there. And then they're just like, oh, shit, look. How long do you cure a sausage? Long ass time. What are we talking? Like a salami. We're talking not a sausage talking? Like a salami. We're talking not a sausage but like a salami.

You know? Like a hard salami. A saucisson. Yeah, like a hard salami. You gotta hang it up, dry it out in a cave and shit. We're like months. Yeah. Months, David. I don't think I've ever had cave sausage. Do they have caves in Sierra Leone? Yeah, but I don't think they're making sausage in there.

You don't know. Have you been in there. You don't know. Have you been in there? I can start. I'm going to make a million. There you go. Figured it out. I also feel like in Italy you can smoke and it's not bad for you. No, it's not.

Smoking isn't bad for you. Not wearing a helmet on a scooter isn't bad for you. Yeah, you're not going to wear a helmet. No. On the Italian countryside, breeze in your hair, you're not going to wear a helmet. Oh, by the way, my hair only gets thicker in this scenario. Oh, thicker and longer. Yeah, thicker're not going to wear a helmet. No. On the Italian countryside, breeze in your hair, you're not even wearing a helmet? Oh, by the way, my hair only gets thicker in this scenario. Oh, thicker and longer. Yeah, thicker and longer.

No room for a brain bucket on that scooter. No. I'm wearing a red scarf in various scenarios. They give you that when you land. Yeah. That chest hair is going to come in handy. It will. It'll come in.

Yeah. It's already pretty thick. It'll only get thicker. Yep. I'll wear a cross. I don't care. Not a big one, though. Just like a little one.

Just the tiniest. Like a tiny cross. We got to lean in like very close to your chest. Like, is that? Yeah, I thought it was a cross. Get away from me. Resting on the pillowy chest hair.

Yeah. It's Jesus on the cross. And then if you look even closer, he's got like a star david around his neck yeah yeah that's the move i think that's wow that would be a necklace i would rock that's intricate chain work yeah it really is i studied well he knows the guy in italy i'm up on the chain technology oh So that's the life I want for myself. Occasionally, I just show up on a speedboat, you know? Oh, like one of those wooden speedboats.

One of those wooden speedboats with the little flags. And it's me coming in from the Netherlands. That's just me in my wooden boat. You're going to have a wooden boat. That's Billy Wayne coming down from the Netherlands to hang out. I left the canals. And to talk racketeering. You guys are just watching them film.

You know about Bitcoin. They're filming the second Entourage movie right outside your Italian house. Yeah, absolutely. And I invite Vince in, hand him some wisdom. All right, so that's my first choice. That's a great choice. Let's say there's a scenario where I can't go to Italy. Or you get kicked out. I get kicked out of Italy. Oh, that's my first choice. Let's say there's a scenario where I can't go to Italy. Or you get kicked out.

I get kicked out of Italy. Oh, that's a fun one. They figure out, like, this guy's Jewish. They look close at your chain finally, and they're like, hey. Wait a minute. This guy. I'm Manuten. This guy is Jewish.

So what I do to throw, and the Italian authorities want me, and what I do to throw and the Italian authorities want me and what I do to throw everyone off is go with my second pick. The Vatican. What? Which is super Italy. Super Italy. You just go deeper

into the forest. You need too much of a cover story to get into the Vatican. Or maybe you don't have any cover story to get in here. You're just like, I'm Father Vincenzo Moroni.

Exactly. It's the one place the Italian authorities wouldn't think to look for me. Yeah, there's no way he went all the way deep into the Vatican. Yeah, he clearly

left the country. There's no way he went to the Vatican. I like the idea that you're living in the Vatican like Tom Hanks in Terminal.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't leave. In there. There's places... You're like places kangaroo on young pope right exactly there's housing in the vatican you know there's rooms i just hole up in one of those rooms for a while just kind of constantly moving yeah the plan is remarkably similar to my italian plan except with just a you just a regional dialect change in your it's just a slight dialect change right and there's a little less bocce ball in this scenario less bocce ball there's a little

less so much more just gold a little less bocce ball there's not play bocce ball at the park man that is a good time that's a good game it's a good fucking time the italians know is it like croquet without the mallets kind of oh it's like horseshoes a little bit both of y'all made the same noise you both went we used to play it on the baseball diamond because of the dirt in golden gate park all i'm saying is i love oh yeah that makes sense i like that you had baseball they have baseball courts in golden gate park they got yeah but it gets serious over there. Same with the aquatic park. You got to be...

What do you mean serious? Those boys roll hard. Oh, they get territorial? It's just weird old dudes you don't want. It's like the disc golf course. Sometimes you want to go, but you don't want to play it by yourself at the disc golf course in San Francisco. True. I've learned more than I ever thought I would today.

Absolutely. That's a good day. Keep your ears open and your heart open. If I need to kill someone, Sierra Leone, there's a monkey named Bruno I call. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do they do to that monkey? They rip his arms off. They rip his arms off in front of the little monkeys.

Africa justice. I feel like if a monkey rips a person's arms off in Africa justice. They're talking shit to it. They are. They handle shit on the streets there. I watched The Young Pope and it just made the Vatican look so lush

and gorgeous. You're smoking inside? I think it is. Huh? I think it is. It's lush and gorgeous. The Catholic Church ruled most of the and still kind of does

certain parts of the world now. I'd slowly work my way into the basements. I'd gain the trust of somebody. Oh, and then you get secrets i feel like you get secrets and i'm down there and i'm like leonardo da vinci at a he invented the 11 inch penis yeah you know they're like low-key secrets i don't get that deep in the basement you don't have deep clearance but he had two dicks what are the yeah i get those vatican secrets right yeah yeah those would be fun too, but you can't.

Who are you telling? Are you telling anyone? I'm just keeping it to myself. That's the curse of having to disappear. You can't send me a letter in Costa Rica and let me know? They're checking all the mail that goes out of the Vatican. Yeah, you can't cut it out. You gotta hide it in a prison pocket or something, man. I want to know what you're up to.

Okay, I'll try. We'll work on a coded system. Maybe just get a vpn or something like the picture of the last supper with the eyes cut out like a fucking con air i would send you i would send you uh proof that jesus was a rollerblader i'd have to i'd have to believe you then yeah and that'd be a bummer that's the walking on water thing dude he's he got those abs too. Yeah. It's good for you.

Yeah. Yeah. I've heard it's good for you too. So that's me. I'm in the Vatican hanging out for the time being. I haven't gotten caught yet. Meanwhile, Sean Jordan is in Costa Rica and the heat has caught up with him. Yeah.

It got a little too hot in the kitchen. They're like, wait a minute. Who's that six foot white guy skateboarding? Unfortunately. Let's look into that. I think at this point I'd be doing 540s on a surfboard because that's one thing I'd learn how to surf. I'm going to go, after that, I'm going to go to Ireland is where I'm going to go, where I'd fit right in. I'd fit right in.

Nobody would be bothered at all that there was another drunk lunatic at what I could call a pub without sounding like a dickhead. You could. That'd be one of my favorite things. It's real awful when Americans call it a pub. God, I hate it. But if I were in Ireland, I was like, let's go to the pub. They'd be like, we're already at the pub. Why aren't you at the pub yet?

And I'd be like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Seamus. I'm on my way. How do you be a douchebag in Ireland then? Do you like call it the public house? Like you really take it all the way? Is that what that is? Yeah, pub stands for public house.

I had no idea. And I've been to public house. I was there like three nights ago. Yeah, dude. I love going to a public house., pub stands for public house. I had no idea. And I've been to public house. I was there like three nights ago. Yeah, dude. I love going to a public house. And they call it public house. Public house. Because that's like even more douchey than calling it a pub.

That's the worst. Let's go to the public house. It's a public house. It's a bar. Oh, is it the Hyperion public house? That's what I'm talking about. Yeah, the one where that show is on Mondays. Is there a show there now?

Yeah. Oh. Yeah. Robin does it, right? Well, we're getting off topic. That place has decent wings. And the ACH that show is on Mondays. Is there a show there now? Yeah. Oh. Yeah. Robin does it, right? Well, we're getting off topic. That place has decent wings. And the ACH out there is great. Did we make up the word bar?

Did Americans make up the word bar? I don't know, dude. I don't either. It sounds for bar accounts. My dad. Does it really? That could. I don't know, but it sounded right.

It sounded great. Wait, so is it supposed to be a gastro public house excuse me yeah like a gastro public house like a gastro pub where'd the gastro come from i'm sorry finnell gastro that's true yeah that's true that's the only real part of any of this cuban sandwich revolutionary my dad when i was a kid my dad, before he brought it out to my mom, he goes, hey, do you want to go to Ireland? And I was like, fuck yeah, I want to go to Ireland. Then he brought it out to my mom.

She put the kibosh on it, and I was all bummed out on her. Come to find out, he owed like $15,000 in child support. My girl! And it was in a bank in Ireland. You had to go get it. And he wanted to... Listen, I want Sean to watch me get it out so he knows that I'm a good guy. He was just going to take me there

and then didn't tell me that he owed that money. So I hated her for like a year because of that. Obviously, now I realize I was wrong. Damn. Was he going to kidnap you? I don't know. Did he go to Ireland on his own? He went, yeah. For how long? He went for like two weeks. Oh, damn. Yeah. He's going to like kidnap you. I don't know. There's a, he go to Ireland on his own. He went, yeah.

He went for like two weeks. Oh, okay. I thought you meant he did. He pay the arrears. No, he passed on, uh, in debt. So I didn't think you could do that. I never thought about it. I've just been paying it the whole time.

Yeah. You could have died. That debt doesn't travel from the father to the son. That's the good thing, right? It's not like you don't want to have it. Yeah, I don't have to pay my mom's child support. Sean, somehow you owe yourself $20,000. Treat yourself.

I would like to take a loan out against the $20,000 that I owe myself. What part of Ireland would you go to? The countryside or the city? Dublin? My dad used to have a map and our name the jordan name is from ireland i don't know any of the details yeah because my dad was drunk all the time when he talked about this you can imagine but he would get drunk and drunk people talk about shit like right but i remember he had a like a picture with all the all the names

of where like they come from and uh jordan was on. So I would go there. There's a Jordan pub that he went to, took a picture of. And I'd like to go there. It's a basketball county. It's from Ireland's basketball county. Because of Michael Jordan, guys. That's also true. You know, a lot of people call Michael Jordan the Black Larry Bird. I heard that.

From you via your dad. I would wear that t-shirt. Black Larry Bird. Just to watch people be like, what the fuck? So you would go to County Jordan and see if you could fall in and maybe accidentally get your cousin pregnant? Is that the plan? No accident, my friend. International waters.

I think I would really enjoy. The scenery is fantastic. It's very green. There's castles, which those might make it into a few more of my picks. Castles? I just would enjoy being around some castles. Are you going to pick Castlevania? I might.

We don't know yet. We're not sure. It's Serpentine, so we'll see. It is a Serpentine draft. But yeah, I think Ireland has been screaming for me since I came out the nutsack, so I might as well just end up going there. I wonder if you actually went to Ireland in real life,

how you would feel about it. Do you think you would feel lonesome for it? You've built it up quite a bit, I think. Yeah. Well, I mean, if we're getting real, if we're breaking the fantasy. Break the fantasy. I think that, yeah, it'd be weird.

It's piss for weather, though. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. But I like gloomy, shitty weather. Yeah, there's a reason it's green all the time. It's because it never stops raining. That's fine. I love it. I love gloomy weather.

Yeah, I don't get depressed. I don't really get bummed. Also, when it comes to the lasses, you enjoy a way fish redhead. Which I believe is all they have over there. All of my ex-girlfriends and current are translucent redheaded women. So you have a type. I have a

very specific type. They're like those fish where you can see their organs still when they're in the aquarium. It's a little off-putting. Ian may be exaggerating a bit, but yeah, you can see their organs. But I've seen a kidney. Yeah, they don't actually.

I can tell when you're sick. Yeah, translucent red-headed gals. Over in Ireland, Sean Jordan with Shaquille O'Neal and Tracy McGrady and Cortland Finnegan. Tracy McGrady, get over here. Teach me how to slam dunk. David Borey. Tracy.

You're in Sierra Leone, but they found out that the chimpanzee ratted you out. You got to go. Bruno snitched. Bruno snitched, dude. Classic chimp move. Because he ripped that guy's arms off and they gave him a plea deal. They were like, if you tell us where David Borey is. Chimp or a simp.

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I don't even know where that's at. It's south. It's like right above South Africa. Because here's the thing. Yeah. First of all. What's the thing? Non-ambular plans.

Ours are making geographic sense. Non-extradition company. So this is your last pick. No, not really. I mean, no, no. He was like, oh, shit. They don't extradite. They don't extradite, so nobody's going to find.

It's the least densely populated country in Africa. While their whole system is they're doing pretty well. They have an infrastructure. They got good roadways and shit like that. They have a ton of tourism. It's right now it's the South Africa. So if I'm like, oh shit, TLC is on tour. Right.

I just dip down to Jayburg. You make a day trip. I bring a lady. Yeah. You know, I come back up. I work on a game reserve. They call me pa bori i got one of those big hats oh it's a good life man that sounds like a great life yeah it's it's it's

super not desolate it's just like there's a lot of space there and like i've been to places in africa where there's just like a ton of space it's just like feels like what the world should be yeah yeah you can just like it like see all the way out. It's on the coast. I get some fish sometimes. You know what I mean? Sure. The Namib Desert.

Wow. The desert goes right into the ocean. And when my mom, when I was a kid, my mom went to PLU in Tacoma, and I was a little boy growing up. She was friends with Mad Namibians, and they were the coolest. Were they cool? They were so cool. What's the Namibians, and they were the coolest. Were they cool? They were so cool. What's the Namibian vibe?

They were just like kind of similar to my mom, just like to party, young guys. I remember one time I was in kindergarten, and I was hanging out outside, and a bunch of them walked by, and they were like, hey, little man, what's up? And I was like, yeah, I just know adults like that. That's cool. That's a powerful thing. Yeah, knowing adults as a kid? Yeah.

Yeah, that shit would happen because my kindergarten was right on campus too. So yeah, sometimes people would walk by and they'd be like, hey, David. And I'd be like, yeah, yeah. Dude, Namibia looks gorgeous. Yeah, it's beautiful. It's beautiful. You can go see some elephants there if you want to. Yeah, man.

Fantastic. And rocks. Look at that, rocks? You got rocks? This is a weird thing that came up. I just pushed in. Yeah, look at Fantastic. Rocks. Look at that. Rocks? Yeah, rocks. This is a weird thing that came up. I just pushed in. Yeah, look at that.

I mean, it's beautiful. Rocks. The vibe about Namibia rocks, dude. So you work on a game preserve? I like that. Yeah, man. Khakis?

What's your pants situation? Shorts or pants? I'm rocking... No, full dickie suit with locs on. Oh, yeah. On the weekend. Can you be a Namibian warlord?

I'm just... I'm rocking... I'm rocking light, breathable materials. I'm rocking, because I'm in Africa now. I don't have to stunt. You know what I mean? You don't, yeah. I left the chain in my old life. Maybe like a Fila jumpsuit.

Well, that's, yeah, also weekends. That's like what I wear to weddings, Namibian weddings. I drive a Range Rover. It's a good, yeah, man. I think that's where I'm going to get married. Namibia? I would like a Range Rover. It's a good... I think that's where I'm going to get married. Namibian? I would like for you to be the official. I'll officiate it.

But you have to wear your official Fila wedding suit. I was going to wear that to your wedding. You have to wear that in the desert and sweat the whole wedding. Worth it. I don't give a shit. Yeah, man. It's got... What's the...

There's a major river there that's supposed to be beautiful. And yeah, the Namibians I know, pretty cool. I like that. It is pretty. The vice president's name is Nicky Iombo. And that's a cool-ass name. I knew a dude named Kuva. Kuva?

How great is that name? He's always shotgun. Always shotgun. Say it again, Kuva? Kuva. Kuva? Yeah. I'm sorry.

I don't have any money. Don't make me call Kuva? Yeah. I'm sorry. I don't have any money. Don't make me call Kuva. Yeah. I think I'll just take this out of the store. I think I'll take this Fila jumpsuit, and I won't be paying for it, because Kuva's in the car. You'll give me one, too. So unless Kuva...

Yeah, can I have one for Kuva? You haven't liked a mustard? Kuva likes weird shit. I'm going to look him up. I'm friends with him on Facebook, actually. Dude, I've been... Okay, dope. Yeah.

So yeah, Namibia is my second choice. I'm getting lost on the Wikipedia here. I might have to go to Namibia. The country is doing very well. The biggest city's name is Windhoek? Yeah. Windhoek. I got weird castles.

Yeah. Oh, castles. You know how I like castles. I know how you like castles. I'm going to come visit you. I'm going to put a link to this reading Namibia's Wikipedia page. Check it out on your own volition if you want it. I'm going to come visit you. I'm going to put his email so he can come visit you. I'll put him into this reading Namibia's Wikipedia page. Check it out on your own volition

if you want to. Somebody had to. It's a real good low-key spot. David's chilling in the African desert where the desert meets the sea and it's the place to be. Yeah. Billy Wayne Davis,

the heat is on in the Netherlands. They kicked you out. I'm going to Bahrain. Bahrain? Bahrain. What? I've been there. What it is, what I figured out what it is, it's like base in the Middle East, like countries

that politically can't do business with each other, you know, because they're like, hey, we can't do it because you did that thing. We're not going to do this thing. Yeah, yeah. But, you know, when you really examine it, they're like, well, you guys have to do that thing or you're all going to, your whole country goes, you know what I mean? Right. So that's where I learned, that's where they go to do business my friend is like international

waters it and it's where all the saudis come over on this bridge i've seen the bridge uh and they come over and they just their wives go to these malls that are the most unbelievable malls you've ever seen i like malls and then they go like like we went to a mall where I saw a watch that was a million dollars. What? Yes. That's when me and my British friend. That shouldn't be at the mall. I like that it is.

Yeah, really. I'm having trouble breathing right now. Yeah. I want to see a million dollar timepiece. What the fuck do you mean at the food court? $100,000 watches? There was no food court. There was a Starbucks.

But that's when we realized we're not supposed. That's why everyone's looking at us weird in this mall. Yeah. Is because this is a mall not for everybody it's a rich one yeah and then you look around and there's only like 20 people in the whole mall that's actually shopping yeah you're like oh shit okay that would be so fun it was amazing and just to like my this british comedian and me we're just in our shorts yeah yeah just Just white. Just like, wow. That's a million dollars. Hey, y'all see this over here?

Why y'all all scowling at us? Then the Sook, which is like this open market. I could literally disappear there just like that. It's like a Bourne movie where you're just going through. Oh, it's like one of those Indiana Jones markets? So that's how he does it. It's like a Bourne movie where you're just going through. Oh, it's like one of those Indiana Jones markets? So that's how he does it. It's so dope. But there's enough just westernized everything.

Like they deliver KFC on dirt bikes. Whoa. And they've got everything that you need. And then it's dirty as hell. I mean, it's kind of filthy, but also it's shady. Everything's a little, like everything's illegal but legal kind of place yeah that gray area everything falls into the gray area they have a king and he kind of looks like my dad ivan carmel who also sounds like a king shout out to ivan carmel husband of sue

carmel oh former former yeah oh strange yeah strange divorce as a divorce man no i am not estranged. I am divorced. You are divorced. St. Sue Carmel, happy belated birthday, by the way. Oh, yeah, happy belated to Sue Carmel. HPD. Did you do something nice?

Oh, I flew up and surprised her. Oh, man. You don't have to say happy birthday the rest of your life. I know, I'm good. The whole fan was at the Oregon Coast, the scenic, beautiful Oregon coast. We're talking about Long Beach, Astoria type of situation? Rockaway. So yeah, south of Astoria.

Right. South of Astoria, north of Seaside. Sure. And I flew up and surprised her. I walked in. She wasn't expecting me. She was holding my niece. She almost dropped my niece on the ground.

She was so overcome with emotion. Your is 27 my niece is 27 my little baby niece she started crying and almost dropped my niece yeah oh my son's here it was awesome i loved it it was well worth it was well worth the uh it was a quick turnaround i didn't spend a lot of time up there. That's a lot of driving because you didn't fly into Portland. I flew into Portland International. And that's a stressful drive this time of year. It was rainy. I got in around rush hour.

Rented a Fiat, though. Really? Yeah. Well, you know, I'm from Italy, so. Yeah, you got to support the family. A little taste of home. Support local abroad. Bahrain is a kingdom, and it from Italy, so. Yeah, you gotta support the family. A little taste of home. Support local abroad. Bahrain is a kingdom, and it's an island country. Yes.

Consisting of a small archipelago. I love an archipelago. Oh, who doesn't? What a great word. Yes. I remember learning that word. Archipelago. One of those words where you learn it and you say it way too much.

Archipelago. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So what are we talking? Was it one island or an archipelago? I mean, yeah, it was multiple islands. I have an archipelago of acne. Yeah, yeah. So what are we talking? Was it one island or an archipelago? I mean, yeah, it was multiple islands. I have an archipelago of acne on my face right now. A drum kit is an archipelago of percussion.

I'm trying so hard. I got nothing. I know. I'm thinking. I'm laughing, too. I don't know. Groundlings. Trained.

Groundlings classes. Trained. Trained. Trained. Trained. You just lean in. Groundlings classes. Trained. Trained. Trained. It's trained. You just lean in. Groundlings. Jesus. Bahrain is like bougie as fuck.

It has been famed since antiquity for its pearl fisheries. What a sentence. Whoa. Yeah. Pearl fisheries? Pearl fisheries. Well, that's got to be your job. It's a good pick, you guys.

Archipelago of dank words right there. Yeah. There's also a lot of British people there. We went to like a British rugby club. We performed there one night. Yeah. And then went to the British club. You performed at the rugby club?

Yes. How'd that go? What do you, how do you think? The hooligans? It didn't, oh yeah. And I misread it and talked about some. That would be so fun to watch. Some progressive stuff.

Just some progressive British stuff actually. And then I could just see them turn. I was like, oh yeah, you're all in the Middle East. You east you're all oil people what am i doing i even said that out loud and they're like thank you and then they liked me literal oil barons god the architecture here is so cool oh there's a building that looks like a giant drill like a drill bit it looks like i see it that is crazy yes and it's the coolest Four Seasons I've ever seen. It's just these two columns. Yeah.

And then the hotel is just in the middle. So it looks like an H. And they would not let me anywhere near that place. Really? They know who's supposed to be there and who's not.

Because I'm sure it's, we stayed at the Intercontinental and you had to go through a checkpoint, which is the only time I felt unsafe in the Middle East, was going to our hotel in Bahrain

because they would check underneath our car with mirrors and stuff. Wow. And that's when I was like, oh, why are y'all, oh, because, okay. I guarantee you some gully shit has gone on. Oh, always, always. Some of the most bad guys. Some rich people scary shit.

No, it's where Saudi princes and stuff to come fuck with hookers and borderline kill them and stuff. Pay little boys to fight to the death and shit. It is. And I'm working on this story. And I'm not going to ruin it, but we turned a corner in the sook one day. And we're lost. And you can get lost real quick because it's just little walking alleyways everywhere.

Yeah. And we turn the corner. And it's dusty little walking alleyways everywhere yeah and we turn the corner it's like dusty and everything's fucking filthy and we turn this back and we turn again we thought we're and we got lost and we hit this dead end deep into the sook and there's a man in a perfectly tailored suit looked like he was shining sitting on a stool and just looked up i mean he did not he was not supposed to be there the way he looked was just like and he just looked up i mean he did not he was not supposed to be there the way he looked was just like and he just looked up real mean he goes what do you fellas want and we're like well nothing you got nothing you got and like kind of like just sprinted our way back because it was

like oh that was a thing that's like a taken villain well well yes and that was guy i was like yeah what do you want like what age kind of? The more we thought about it, the more we were like, holy fuck, that was a real bad thing that we just walked into. Because that guy wasn't selling suits. I like how he called you guys fellas. What do you fellas want? What do you fellas want? He was a Bahraini flesh-breeder. He doesn't deal with gentlemen.

No, not only fellas. I only know fellas. it was one of those things we realized like you would have to know exactly where you're going to get to that guy yeah that's like crazy accident yeah and he was so cold and unaffected by anything and it was just like instantly we were both like we both just like nothing weird sorry we're lost and just like it's weird when you run in on a guy and you're like oh that guy's like evil yeah you meet bad dudes but like that like whatever that dude's into is like you can like feel that would feel like when you're playing one of those open world

video games and like you're a low level you you have like a low level but you accidentally stumble upon one of the big bosses yeah they just kill the shit out of you. Yeah, ready for him. He kills you in one hit, and you're like, oh, so that's later in the game. Yeah. Yes. I was supposed to meet that guy after I get some stuff. Oh, this... I can see this guy

when I can't come anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm 68 and super rich for some reason. I got Steve Bannon money. Word. So, Bahrain. Man. Amazing pick.

I wonder if that guy... Now, Billion Wayne Davis. Oh, what were you going to say? I just wonder if... I've always had this thing about I want to see exotic animal fights. I know it's terrible. I just wonder if that's a guy I could... Did you ever watch that show?

He would know who to call. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Because they're friends. At some point, these high-level criminals got a guy. Oh, they got a guy. They're cards all the time. Yeah.

Oh, you want to see a walrus fight a tiger? Yeah. Or whatever the crazy shit? a walrus fight a tiger? Yeah. Or whatever the crazy shit. What show? There was a show. The Joe Rogan experience. It was the Joe Rogan. There was a show where they would take scientists and be like, what if a hippo fought a wolf

pack? Oh, is that like- Was it on Spike? It was on Spike. Yeah. Sounds like it's on Spike. And they would build machines. I remember they built fake hippo mouth once. I don't know built like fake hippo mouth once oh that was a good show yeah right and then they did the one

where it's like the different types of warriors throughout here that was the other one yeah i love that show too yeah like who would win just Just like your friend Brian. The Southside Chicago fat guy. Yeah, right, exactly. Or a samurai. Who would win in a fight? A samurai warrior. Or Brian Cook.

Oh, man, Butterbean. Butterbean. I feel like Butterbean would hold us out. I want to see Brian versus Brian Cook now. I would watch Brian Cook Fight Butterbean And then Cook kind of complained

About it the whole time He punched me But it was like Come on You know Remember when Butterbean Fought Johnny Knoxville And Knoxville

He knocks him out And he goes Is there a mosquito Flying around Oh Tokyo Is Butterbean okay When he woke up that's what he said that's so funny there's a w in my book right you won you won the fight one more thing to add about

the dude in the in the we came up with this a couple days later in Bahrain, after we were scared, me and Gareth Reynolds, the British comic, Oh, it was Gareth. We realized, like, he wasn't even the scariest dude because he's still out. Yeah. He's on the street. He's on the stool. He's the softest dude. He's the barker.

He's barking, right? Yeah. So he's, like, getting, and just how cold he was. Like, a couple days later, that's when we were just sitting there having coffee, and then Gareth was like, he's not even the scariest one i was like oh shit you're right there's like man people

inside the in the air conditioning yeah that are really cold probably how cold your heart has to be to be wearing a suit outdoors in bahrain it was over 100 degrees it never dropped below 100 did he look like he was sweating no not nervous no nervous at all? No, and there was no dust on him, and there's dust on fucking everything there. Everything. It was insane. I bet he smelled amazing if you got close enough. We turned the corner.

His voice said some stuff, and I did this, and was like, okay. Is he the guy that's ultimately going to kick you out of Bahrain to your next? I mean, if he showed up, I don't think I'm leaving that country. I think I'm done. Well, because you saw him, you do have to flee. And because it is a serpentine draft, you have to tell us where you flee to right now.

Serpentine's sort of like a snake. Oh, shit. So I have to get out of there now. The archipelago is closed for you. Oh, that's a good word. Yeah, archipelago. I like it. You got to archipelago to another country.

for you. Oh, that's a good word. Yeah, archipelago. I like it. You gotta archipelago to another country. I love how happy that made everyone in this room. We're all grown men. Yep. I don't mean to buck rain on your parade, but you have to archipelago

to another country. Sorry about that. Sorry. Sorry. I think at this point, I go... You're making me feel like go like an idiot i go somewhere in india like up where they they make that they still grow pot up in the mountains on the hindu kush mountains yes oh so you're going to india specifically northern india motherlands it is no it's where it's afghan and India. It's right on their border.

That's where the Kush fucking started. I actually wrote Indiana. Is that true? Yes. I've done my research on that shit. Weed started in India? No, Kush did. Oh, Kush.

But some of the best weed in the world is from... Yeah. Like all those old hippie growers and stuff. I go to Humboldt like two or three times a year. It's one of my favorite places. Not even for the weed. It's just the people are amazing. Yeah, we hung out in that wood shop. Mm-hmm.

That was fucking dope. That was a good day. I've always had... I only have good days up there. Even when it's shitty, you're like, this is still great. I love that area because it looks like an Ewok village. Humboldt? Humboldt.

Well, that's where they kind of filmed that stuff, right? They filmed it up there. The whole city up there just looks like it's built into the side it is it's built on the side of a foresty mountain yes and it's just a bunch of weird forest people which i appreciate it's a destination because you don't just cruise through there yeah you have to work to get you have to want to get there that's why it's wonderful it's like new hampshire or some shit up like those people are special too and that kind of like you gotta want to get there alaska is the same way alaska and humboldt are two of my favorite places in the world

and you have to want to be there yes and the people are there are very interesting and have a certain spirit i really relate to like if i didn't have to get the out of the united states i would just move to alaska yeah in fact like when i disappear and you guys like after a year when you're like i haven't seen him like he's not even he's on the road a lot but he's like nowhere yeah like I'm in Alaska I've learned to fly and that's what I'm doing he's getting his commercial pilot's license in gnome yeah that sounds wonderful that does 65 hours uh but before you went up on Alaska, you were in India. India.

In northern India. Just growing weed, just meditating. I already practice kundalini yoga. That's my jam. What is kundalini yoga? Excuse me? It's like, you know those pastas you were talking about earlier? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like a rigatone, like a moki, like a mok. You nailed it. I didn't have to explain it. Kundalini? Yeah, it's not like a lot of stretching. It's a lot of meditation and breathing. So it's practical, too, because it'll teach you how to mentally handle life when it's shitty and stuff and how to keep yourself calm.

So what's the weed for, then? I think that's just a nice discipline every day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where it keeps me busy. It's a good... We have to hide it sometimes because it's still technically illegal. Yeah. We're up in the mountains.

It's our way. It's their... Most of their way of making money. Do you think you grow... Is consumption a big part of their culture, though? Like, do they smoke? Oh, I think so, yeah. They smoke a lot of weed?

Yeah. From what I've read about it, yeah. It's like... But their tolerance. Like, I wouldn't smoke. Because they want to make weed? Yeah. From what I've read about it, yeah. It's like, but they're tolerant. It's like, I wouldn't smoke. Because they want to make hash. Yeah. And they just roll it.

They don't, it's not about the bud. It's about the resin. Okay. And the way they beat it is, there's like a whole process. It's very fascinating. And evidently, if you can get a hold of that. Yeah, it's like that pressed, it's the resin and they make it into a tar. Yeah.

And evidently, if you can get a hold of that, it's the fucking best shit. Like, even, I have a friend who makes extract. He has an extract company in San Francisco. And it's like that 100% THC shit. Yeah. And he used to travel. And he was like, I got some of that. He's like, there's never been anything in the world like that.

Well, damn. Because it's also, I think, has to do with I got some of that. He's like, there's never been anything in the world like that. Damn. Because it's also, I think, has to do with the human part of it and the way they roll it. They don't press it and burn it like they do like dabs. So there's like that human element. So he's like, there's something to that where you get even higher because the human being has – it's all been – It's like artisan hash.

No wonder they have such dope gods yes they're just chill as fuck gods they're like like have like 14 arms they get in swords fights with monkeys and stuff for the right reasons yeah for the right reason yeah yeah yes not because it threw a rock at it and to preserve hey come on man shout out bruno r.i.p uh so that's where i'm at i like that. I like that. Because, yeah, because if the Netherlands don't work out and then I just go be like a proper criminal in Bahrain for a while and then I'm like, all right, maybe I just need to chill

out. You've picked two heavy weed places and then one where it seems like you couldn't get weed. Oh, no, you can't. In Bahrain, right? Like, there's only one little shop I went in that I saw a bong. Yeah. Like, it was in the back, and I was like, that? And I guess I forget what I look like, because I've been there a while.

Yeah. And the guy just acted like he didn't even know what it was. He was like, I got a CIA outfit. Yeah, and I was like, oh, yeah, I've got this haircut. You're right. That's also why I'm safe walking anywhere, but it's also why I can't find weed. Yeah. haircut you're right that's also why i'm safe walking anywhere but it's also why i can't find weed yeah but i there was no i did smoke a hookah in dubai and it was just like any other douchebag hookah place you've ever been yeah and i don't drink or smoke cigarettes anymore so there was only this you could smoke cigarettes it was like koreatown where it's just like fucking anywhere

so you were just like breathing in and out real quick to try to get lightheaded. That was how you were trying to have fun? I was there for 10 days and came back shredded. Because I was just completely sober. I got off the plane. Erin's like, God damn, you look great. What'd you do? I was like, nothing.

I had nothing. Not one thing. Didn't cut loose at all. I ate on a regular basis and exercised every day and didn't get to have any fun you look amazing didn't alter my state one bit appreciated music less India

I didn't watch any television David you were beating the heaters showed up in Namibia in more than just a desert heat wave unfortunately it was a good time no extradition David, the heat has showed up in Namibia in more than just the desert heat wave. Unfortunately. I was really going to... Man, it was a good time. No extradition.

No extradition. Time to get you out. You know, man. They scared you out. What'd you do in Namibia that you got to get out? Well, I think I had caught some heat from the bullshit I was doing in Sierra Leone. Yeah, man. Okay.

Yeah, that's what they came up with. I wouldn't call glass blowing bullshit. Oh, no, no, man. I'm racketeering. Racketeering. I'm runningeteering. Racketeering. I'm running the numbers. I'm putting the whole family on it. You're extorting?

Yeah, African Bumpy Johnson is what they call me. You run a lot of discos. Yeah. I put all my money into discos. Sierra Leone disco money. Oh, man. That's long paper. A lot of people don't realize that is long paper.

No, so I got to leave Namibia. That was like my peaceful period. I'm hopping the pond. I'm going to Belize. Ooh, Belize. I'm going to Belize. A Sue Carmel favorite. A Sue Carmel favorite?

Yeah. Okay, see, so we're on the right page. I got a few reasons. First of all, there, let me find it. I saw this and this is so great. First of all, I got a guy. Yeah. You got a guy in Belize? Yeah, I got a few reasons. First of all, there... Let me find it. I saw this and this is so great. First of all, I got a guy. Yeah. You got a guy in Belize?

Yeah, I got a dude. Is he cool? Yeah, cool dude. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Defaulted on some student loans. Moved to Belize? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You got to do what you got to do. Fuck, man. That's why? I think he also just wanted to move to Belize. Okay, because you don't have to move to Belize if you default. Right, right, right. I was going to say, who's part of Belize? But he wasn't. He wasn't. Yeah, so you don't have to move to Belize if you don't want to. Right, right, right. I was going to say, I'll move to L.A. But he wasn't...

Yeah, so you're a feature act. He wasn't... He wasn't a U.S. citizen. I think it had citizens... Either way, he's out there. He's in Belize. So I got a guy. I got a place to live. And Belize, national language, English. Yes. They speak English. Huge

help for me. Yeah. They got that punta music, which is pretty great. What is that punta music? It's like a Calypso Caribbean type of situation. I love a Calypso music. Oh, my gosh. You can't even listen to it without moving your hands. Give me a steel drum and a breezy cocktail.

Oh, man. And I'm going to have to sing it. I think I can write it. I dare you to throw a sunset in there. I dare you to throw a sunset in there. Okay, yes. If you throw a sunset in there, I dare you to throw a sunset in there. Okay, yes. If you throw a sunset in there, I'm also going to see the sun rise. And it's going to be a night.

Bolivia's motto is... Belize. Yeah, Belize. Kipping his hand. Whoa, no, I'm not going to Bolivia. No, Belize's motto is sub umra floreo, which in Latin means under the shade I flourish. Which is never, there's never been a motto that described me better. Pretty gangster.

Maybe grip it and rip it, but under the shade I flourish. So I would just be living out there. And I wanted to do this. When I was like 20, I was like, Colorado fucking sucks. I got no reason to live in America. I'm going to bail. I looked it up. like Colorado fucking sucks.

Yeah. I got no reason to live in America. I'm going to bail. I looked it up. I could get a job at a call center in one of the major cities. Like a lot of companies have outsourced there. I get a call in a call center. I speak colloquial English, so I just get the job.

It's not even hard. Immediately. That's an upper middle class gig there. Is it really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's an upper middle class gig. So then I'm just doing that. I manage Dell support. And then on the weekends, you know, I'm a a belizean playboy you listen to punta music i'm listening to punta music you're a belizean playboy yeah i just dance with my hand on my stomach a lot

yeah and most of your job is like just restart it yeah just restart it i've worked at a call center before it's not a hard gig it's not that bad you know what i mean and i just get like a badass penthouse type of situation. You're telling all these fly Belizean ladies about your times on the game preserve in Namibia? Yes. Yeah. Yo, I've been all over. They're like, what's an aurochs look like?

Who is this man? You had a life. You didn't start the call center until you were 35. You had a life. No, I had a life. Like, I'm an adult. And there's a lot of tourists, so I get news from back home all the time. Maybe I sell a little coca to the pinche tourists

who knows man we're all making money we're living fast I like that you don't think they have the internet so you gotta get your news from tourists I don't log on anymore I learned that in Namibia that's how they got me he's on that Fleetwood Mac shit

second hand news Belize excellent pick Chantel Jordan secondhand news. Belize, excellent pick. Yeah, man. Chantel Jordan. I'm on the clock. Where are you going from? It's been Costa Rica to Ireland.

Yeah. Now in Ireland, though they're a dreary country, the heat is still on. Sure, sure. I'm going up to Sweden after that. Because I myself got a guy in Sweden. Got a guy.

You got a guy. It's Bjorn Borg. I don't think any of you guys are criminals, though. Jesper Lovaboy. My cousin lives there. He's a nice guy. Well, he's going to tattle on you. Jesper wouldn't. No, Jesper's not like that.

Jesper wouldn't do me dirty. There's a lot of things the Borgies are, but Stitch is not one. His last name sounds like Lovaboy. Jesper Lovaboy is how you say his name. His name's Jesper Loverboy? You're going with your Swedish? He's got a South Dakota tattoo. Jesper does.

Well, he's already got a suit, man. Because he calls it his second home. Is it South Dakota or is it a square? It says South Dakota. Okay, okay, okay. He came there in high school, and it's his second home. And he's just off the chains. Plus, I was looking up some dope shit today on Sweden.

They have five weeks paid vacation from jump. Very dope. And 480 days of parental leave. Wow. That's astonishing. So you're not from Sweden. I'm having kids, dude. Spread the seed.

I'm never going to work again, and I'll get paid to have kids. After your five-week vacation, you're going to have a kid. What's that? After your five-week vacation. Yeah, I get there. I get a job. Take that five weeks. I need it.

I'm stressed. Yeah, I'm stressed. Jasper and I, we tour Sweden. And then, yeah, I have a kid. You could eat reindeer. It's a very musical country, too. So you could start a group called Loverboy and Sean Cougar. Shawnee Cougar and the Loverougar shawnee cougar and

the lover boy he dropped the cougar he's just going by john mellencamp again no i know it's astonishing really yeah it's astonishing to me that you would have cougar in your name at ever and then drop it at some point you know i think that's the kappa guy he is where he's like you don't i don't need my first order of business after i have children in sweden is to ban john mellencamp we only listen to John Cougar Mellencamp. Pablo Francisco is very popular there, I think. In Sweden? I think so.

Really? Okay. I would love to be popular in Sweden. How dumb would that be? There was a Full House episode where Jesse and his band found out they were big in Japan. And I was like, so that's always a fantasy I've had. To just be like, hey, Ian, you know where they love all fantasy everything? Like, where's that?

Oh, fucking Finland. They can't get enough of it. Oh, man. Over in Finland. Put together a nine-city tour for you in Finland. Yeah. And they're just selling out stadiums in Finland, dude? I think.

Marry a Finnish woman? You'd Arj Barker that, right? Well, how did he do it? Arj is huge in Australia, right? Huge. How? How did he do it arch is huge in australia huge how how did he do it i think uh the uh the the boys the new zealand fellows that show oh yeah i think he did well at melbourne at

the comedy festival and then that concords thing like really like took him over the top because his sense of humor is already like board. This is an Australian person. Yeah, totally. It was like informed because I have no idea other than that. But it was like he was already kind of popular because he did well at the Melbourne Comedy Festival. Where if you do well, you can just tour. Yeah. And they liked him.

And then when he was on that show, the HBO show, that's when they were like, oh, he's a famous person over there. Which he's not over here. I wonder where I'm funny. But his sensibility is right on Australia. Yeah, no, I think you'd be fine anywhere. But I want that place where it's just crazy. Where I don't even care. Yeah, like they're screaming.

I've had it somewhere that sucks. It's like Salem. Yeah. Salem, Oregon. The Namibia of Oregon. They love me in Salem Sweden Sweden Excellent pick

I would go to Sweden It's beautiful I've seen pictures I've always wanted to go there anyways So I figure if I You know They kick me out of Ireland I gotta

I mean I gotta go somewhere It's not far Yeah I could hop, skip and a jump I'll be pretty broke By the time they kick me out of Ireland I'm sure that I You know

I'm not gonna be saving any money No, no, no Not pulling punches at these public houses that i go to an island buying rounds you wife up in sweden that's a good move it is it is sucks i'm gonna have to bail on her in two short picks but yeah she doesn't know that yet you had a life she knew what this was yes she married a criminal yeah come on she saw that shamrock tattooed on my neck she knew you told her from the rip you surfed in on a crime wave and you got to surf out the same way. After I get my, I don't know, upward of 2,000 days of vacation after, I don't know, four and a half children. Now, not too far to the south.

Your friend from another life, Ian Carmel, is hanging out in the Vatican. I knew that guy way back when. Wondering how can he possibly sustain this. Getting a little claustrophobic in the Vatican. Yeah, that guy way back when. Yeah. Wondering how can he possibly sustain this. Getting a little claustrophobic in the Vatican? Yeah. It turns out I can't. The king's Swiss guard,

or not the king, the pope's, the king of Catholicism, the pope's Swiss guards that are on to me in my antics. I catch you with their pokers. They poked me

with their weird sword thing, knives. Get out of here, buddy. Hey! You can't live here. Get out of here. Get your hand

out of our cookie jar. Skedaddle! Hey, get your white linen out of here. Yeah said this and i'm like oh hey sorry you know no barbecue sauce at this cookout so i i flee the vatican and i take my sweet ass to the ancestral homeland carmel people sure we're going to fucking France. Thailand. We're going to Thailand. We're going to France. And we're going right, we're going to Paris. We're going to the 17th arrondissement.

You're going deep. I'm going deep into Paris. Arrondissement. I'm getting myself, the mustache is still on my face. Oh, that can't go anywhere. I'm switching out the white linen shirt for a blue and white striped shirt. Beret. Accordion. Oh! I'm a big fat guy who walks around and plays the accordion

and sings to people outside of cafes. Are you going to train a monkey? I'm going to have a kerchief and I'm going to build towards a monkey, though I won't start out with one. Is that racist? Am I asking the right questions? I don't think it's racist. I don't think you can be racist towards French people. No. No, I mean, who does the monkey dance? It's French.

Who doesn't do monkey dance? I think it is. You've never gone to bed. That's what you do. You can just say that. You guys have a monkey dance person. Yes, we have a culture. We got that guy.

I'm walking around cafes, you know, and playing the accordion. Hiding in plain sight. I love it. Hiding in plain sight. Yeah, yeah. It's one of my favorite terms, hiding in plain sight. Every now and then I go to Montmartre. You know, I hang out. I spend some of my favorite terms, hiding in plain sight. Every now and then I go to Montmartre. I hang out.

I spend some of my money. I'm having a great time over there. I learned a bouffe bongignon recipe, which is sort of a hearty beef dish. I eat that in the winter. Yeah. And during the summer, it's just nothing but charcuterie and cheese plates. Oh, charcuterie. Oh, shit.

You're going to be backed up, dog. Yeah, absolutely. You're going to let that charcuterie go. I don't know. I don't think they get as backed up the way. It's a Mediterranean diet, David. I think he's fine. A lot of olives.

There's a lot of olives. Fish. That wine goes right through. Oh, yeah. A lot of wine pump through the system. It lubes it up. Because I've been bumping my vegetable game up. Oh, listen to this.

It's crazy. A little more on the reg? I've been making these giant salads for lunch. I don't know where I've been making these giants was going to go. I'm out here shitting raw onions. My shit looks like leafy greens. You got to chew them, man. You got to chew them.

I'm chewing. It's just I'm just a texture guy. So I'm putting broccoli in there. I'm putting carrots in there. I'm putting onions in there. I'm putting spinach. I get a salad bar for every lunch. I love it. That's the move. That's the move

because you get the fresh everything. See, because I'm kind of limited, and then I just take some tuna, like a can of tuna, and I put it in there, and I just shake it up in the Tupperware. Oh, it's a niçoise. We're playing ball in the same league, my friend. Yeah, you're shaking Tupperware. When I want to make a salad, it's get some loose spinach and some tuna.

I got a good knife, man. It's a nicoise salad. You know where else you can get a nicoise salad? Where? France. Paris, France. When you're playing the accordion every now and again, do you see somebody from your past, and you have to take some deep breaths so you don't kill them,

and then you just keep playing the accordion? Yeah, but it becomes a harder accordion sound. Yeah. There's one lady who notices, like, he means that. Who's that guy? I bed down with a French woman who would hate me. A French woman who reminds you of her. Yeah, of her.

Yeah. Would she just be one of those above it all French women? Why does she hate you? Just because she's French. She's from Paris. She loves how much she detests you. Yeah, that's the thing she's passionate about. That's how much I disgust her.

Didn't you make a painting about that? She's a Parisian. Yeah, I painted a few things. She's Parisian. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But she's lived there since she was like about. That's how much I disgust her. Didn't you make a painting about that? She's a Parisian. Yeah, I painted a few things. She's Parisian. But she's lived there since she was like two. She's above it all. Yeah. 100%.

Military family. Yeah. And your past intrigues her. Absolutely. But she's still finding things out about it. Like in your nightmares, though. Yeah. You don't tell her.

You wake up and she goes, so what about Stetvia? I imagine. Can I tell you the picture i see of your wife yeah you guys have just made raucous accordion style love yeah you're on the bed asleep she puts on your yours your shirt because it's cold your white shirt she goes out to smoke a cigarette right yeah she looks down she sees what's that piece of paper poking out what's that piece of paper she goes down she le that piece of paper? She goes down. She leans. The cobblestone is loose.

She pulls it up. This is a compartment. Yeah. This is where you've hidden your past life. And just like that. And then, just like that, she storms in. Dion! Yeah.

Dion! I don't know. Shouting at me in French. Vous l'avez vu, cool? Yeah. Lady Marmalade! And then that's just, that's how I see your life and then she's just holding his ear necklace

what the fuck is this yeah you're talking to the big one talking into the ears Ian wake up talking into the ear necklace and then she curses your American humor

and just like that I gotta get out of France again I gotta get out we thought it was gonna last the jig is up you gotta do it she smells what was gonna land. The jig is up. You gotta do it. She smells what you're stepping in. The jig is up. She does.

She knows everything I've been up to now. Poor girl. Pray to God she doesn't snitch. It's not her fault. Well, then someone will have to kill her. But I spent a little too much time over there. Where are you gonna go? In Western Europe. Papa's a rolling stone. Are you switching continents?

I've been to Italy. I've been to the Vatican, I've been to France, and now I'm on an airplane flying back west. Oh. We land in Mexico. Oh! I'm on the other side

of the wall, baby. I think you'd blend in there, too. I would. You'd just be like, that guy's really tall. You're like that dude in Training Day who can play

every kind of nationality. That guy's Maori. Yeah, that guy's fucking... That guy's from New Zealand. The guy who plays the dude in training day who can play like every kind of every kind of nationality that guy's maori yeah that guy's fucking that guy's from new zealand the guy who plays the dude in training that you're gonna dog me in the mouth of my own pad that guy and then he's in that guy's from new zealand yeah he's playing everything and he has played like he's played like seven different nationalities and he nails all of them he was uh fucking escobar and. I thought that dude was hardcore Latino. He's Maori. Yeah.

Yeah. They got similar mustaches. See, that's an actor right there. That is an actor. That's a true actor. And I'm saying, with that stache, you kind of look like that dude. Like an artist. I'm going to mustache-dominant countries.

That's for sure. Where are you going in Mexico, by the way? Mexico. I think Mexico City. I'm not going to Mexico City. It's so big. It's huge. You're not going to parachute into Mexico City and just roll the dice?

I'm not going. Second weird, second man on fire reference in one podcast. I'm not going to Mexico City. It's so big. It's huge. You're not going to parachute into Mexico City and just roll the dice? I'm not going. Second weird, second man on fire reference in one podcast. I'm not going to Mexico City and live in that life. Although I hear it's beautiful and they have great food. Apps on one hand, machete on the other. It's sinking. It's slowly sinking. Is that true? Yes.

Wow. I'm not going there. There's one or two locations I'm going to. Okay. He's really going to go go there Playa del Carmen Zihuatanejo what is I don't

you can't I don't know listen to it let's just have him say it again and tell me you don't want to go there say it again Zihuatanejo I'll see you there David

couple of reasons I've been before it's coastal it's beautiful warm weather also it's where at the end of Shawshank where Tim Robbins meets up so it's beautiful. Okay. Warm weather. Also, it's where, at the end of Shawshank, where Tim Robbins meets up.

So it's kind of perfect. Yeah, that's pretty cool, man. So I'm going to Zihuat. It's either that or I go to the far southern Mexico in the jungles and link up with the rebels down there. And all of a sudden I'm running with the rebels. This is a completely new life. And you know how a few podcasts ago we were talking about looking to be on a motorcycle uh-huh now i'm finally on a motorcycle okay because i'm in the jungle i'm on that jungle diet i've lost some weight i'm finally at a motorcycle weight i'm

riding around you know because you gotta you gotta forget the heartbreak of your french wife yeah absolutely i understand so you joined the freedom force yeah exactly they call you el jefe yeah i am el jefe yeah two bandanas one over your mouth one over your forehead so we can just see your eyes yeah yeah it's bandana weather all year any tattoos huh any tattoos i got one the only one you can see is on the inside of my wrist it looks like a roman numeral and it's covered up it might just be an x whoa yo billy wayne davis has that tattoo that is crazy it's right on the inside of your wrist. That's fucking crazy. What life did you live before this? I've lived some life.

That's why I'm so good at this game. That was nuts. I've just done it in the United States. That was nuts. Now I'm scared to say my next picks. All right, so I'm in Mexico. What are you doing? So you're fighting for the right-

In the southern one, I'm in, yeah, I'm part of a rebel group. But if I'm in Zihuatanejo, I got a couple options. I got a couple realistic options. One of which. Max, relax. Chill out. All cool? Scuba diving instructor.

Cool. You can scuba. Oh, you do love scuba diving. Self-contained underwater breathing apparatus. I love them. I take to the seas like a duck. I really love the water. Like a scuba diving duck.

Like a dang scuba diving duck. And that's what I think I would do. I would be like a scuba diving instructor. That would be fun. Okay. In Zihuatanejo, Mexico. I'd take lessons. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. You would kill it. You would kill it. And if not, I'd be a neighborhood tough. Oh, sure. Like a street tough. Whoa. Yeah.

Just for high school kids, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like that. Low stakes tough. Where you just, you don't, you rarely throw a punch. It's a lot of like pushing. Or like, hey. And who do you think you are?

Don't say that about Becky. Yeah, stay out of this part of Z-Watt. Yeah. You're just talking to kids like, will you point Chewie out to me and then I'll handle it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just show me where Chewie is. Back where I'd run a baccarat game. But I'd have to learn what baccarat is. You'd have to to kids like, well, you point chewy out to me and then I'll handle it. Yeah. You just show me what she is. I'd run a baccarat game,

but I'd have to learn what that, you'd have to learn how to play it. I think you can do all three of those. I might do all three. I might do multiple dimension time. While I'm running that baccarat game in Zquad, Sean Jordan, it's time to get out of Sweden.

I gotta, I gotta get out of Sweden. Yeah. So this one, so I'm going to Nepal. Wow. Oh, shit. It is brutal there.

I don't know a ton about Nepal, but- It's not good. You're going to die. Well, I want to test myself. I think you'd die. I want to test myself. I want to look at Mount Everest, and then I want to climb Mount Everest, and then I want to die on my way down from Mount Everest.

I think you're probably going to die at the base camp. I think the reason I – we just got in a deep conversation about Mount Everest the other day. But Nepal, I mean, I was looking at it too, and it looks very peaceful and calm, and it's just high. I think I would acclimate. I just wouldn't do a lot. I'd just do a lot of chilling and thinking, acclimating,

getting my lungs used to it. Yeah. think i think it'd be a fun chill those sherpas are like the most in shape people in the world yeah they got that lung capacity they say the first time you see the the himalayas it changes your sense of spatial relation and they're that's what i want that's what i'm looking for i read that in a book called escape from catmandu okay all right well what do you explain that to me like the just the sheer size of them you never there's you're never gonna see anything like how when an astronaut like you get your sense of spatial relationship relation from like where like your scale of what is larger whatever from where you grow up and there's just there's it's unparalleled there's nothing like that that's what you just said in the book though Except my dad's penis Bang Callback

My dad's dick was too big Ivan That changed my spatial I'm out here changing spatial relations That's not big Nepal's got that flag That's like kinda That's like real short

Isn't it vertical? It's like two baseball banners Oh does it? Yeah it looks like twin pennants Like the snake's tongue. Well, it is a serpentine giraffe, so I picked the snake tongue flag. Oh, perfect. I just feel like it'd be a fun...

Nepal, you just want to see me on Everest. I just kind of want that. I want to live on the mountain and just kind of chill and look out and see life-changing beauty every day. Man, I love that Yaks make tea stuff, too. I'm worried that you guys think that I would just go to Nepal and die. What's your plan in Nepal? I think most people go to Nepal.

I'm just going to live and exist at a reasonable altitude. You get off the plane in Kathmandu. What's step two? You got to go to a hostel. I just start living, man. Yeah, just kind of roll the dice, see where Nepal takes me. I think you're going to hostel. I just start living, man. Yeah, just kind of roll the dice, see where Nepal takes me.

I think you're going to die. I'm with Ian. It's a harsh- I can see you escaping into nature, maybe. I'll have fun sending you two telegrams from Nepal. Oh, shit. They're still not dead. I encourage that.

Yeah, haters going to hate. Also, the mountains up there, that's Yeti territory. I think you could find them. Oh, if you befriended a Yeti. Then I would- Yeah, well, then- Then you better send me a telegram. I'll send you a telegram. If you befriend a Yeti, I I think you could find him. Oh, if you befriended a Yeti. Then I would, yeah, well then. Then you better send me a telegram. If you befriend a Yeti, I expect a telegram.

From the Yeti. He can be all pompous too. Like, hey, I'm alive. I'll teach the Yeti how to send you guys a telegram. Stop. The Yeti will teach you how to love. Comma. Comma.

Comma. Also, I met a Yeti named Tom. Stop. What if I climbed Mount Everest and didn't die? I think you could do it. Like, rich dudes do it. I mean, you have to train. Train a little while.

The amount, we looked it up the other day. I think it's 6% of people total have died trying to climb Mount Everest. Whoa. That's a fucking big number. That's the people that have made it? Out of everyone who's tried. Or the people that have made it or the people that have just tried. Of the world population.

That's a lot of people. Of all time. Of all the world. Yes. It's, how do I say this? 6% of people who try to do it die.

That's how Jesus actually died. 6% of people who try to do it die. That's pretty decent odds. 6% of people who try to do it die. Not even make it, but try. Yeah. Well, so what do you define? Because a lot of people die on the way down. That's what I mean.

Make it. You get to the top, and then you come back down, and then you can die. Suck to die on the way down. That would. And it happens a lot because you get altitude sickness, and you just can't do anything. You overexert yourself. You get to the top. Then you're like, all right.

Because you get that last quarter mile. You're like, all right, I'm going to tear ass to the top. You think you can do it do anything like you overexert yourself you get to the top then you're like all right because you get that last like quarter mile you're like all right i'm gonna tear us to the top you think you can do it and then you're just fucked six percent of people die so you know what that means is climbing Mount Everest is safer than being a Leah so because a hundred percent of Leah died yeah it's safer than being in TLC i mean it is safer than being in TLC yeah yeah mean... It is safer than being in TLC. Yeah, I mean, it's, you know, in that sense. It's safer than being in NWA. Yeah, it is.

I could lose 6% of my body. What if I just lost 6% of my body? Like, half of my foot? You could get a haircut and do that. Yeah, I could... Safer than playing for Marshall? Yeah. Yeah. It probably is.

Everything is safer than playing for Marshall. It's a tough school. It's safer than writing, having written La Bamba. Being in a gang is safer than being president. It's certain, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Safer than being my dad.

Safer than being your dad. It is definitely. Safer than death. He died from consumption. All right. Yeah. That's impressive in its own. Nepal.

I don't get it, man, but I hope it's okay. I hope you're okay. I mean, I feel like it wouldn't be a good list if you guys didn't dog on me for one of the picks. You could eat yak. I've always wanted to see what that's like. Oh, yeah, yak meat? I don't think you guys are. I think we're in the right part of town.

I'm just going to chill. Right now. Yak chiseling. I think we can probably find yak meat somewhere. I can introduce chiseling to fucking Nepal. But it's like landlocked and the weather sucks it's high up

it's beautiful I think now I want to move to Nepal to prove you two wrong isn't there a lot of civil unrest that's Tibet that's just north of Nepal maybe I'll throw a couple goodwill notes over are they warm people

I don't know. I think you could do it. I think it's pretty cold. I think you could probably do it. You can be desolate because you can go away from people anywhere. You know what I mean? You don't have to be. Or you could live in Kathmandu.

I just want to go to a Nepali restaurant and see some beautiful shit. You call it Sioux Falls. You sell them chiseled. You sell them PBR blue remeds. That's life. That's life. Yeah. They love it. Yeah, Nepal. Yeah. They love it.

Yeah, Nepal. Nepal. Nepal. Hell yeah. David Borey. So. From Belize. From Belize.

They figured me out. Please Belize me. Jig is up. I hop on a plane and I cross some more oceans and now I'm going to Thailand. Oh, Thailand. Damn it. Yeah. Is it because of the movie the

beach uh and blood sport are you bummed he took thailand i'm very bummed i was you know what he probably wasn't gonna take nepal yeah yeah i wasn't earlier today david's like we're right in our list and david's like i was like god i only got like 11 countries and he goes i don't think anyone's taken mine it's very specific they're smart for you yeah they work for me that's the only way i know how to live my life that's great that's why i'm going mustache first exactly man yeah i'm not trying to toady robbins this shit all i really got the philippines with this mustache oh man you'd be their king He's so tall It's a packy

He's a giant He looks like Five packy house What if you ousted that guy It would be amazing Yeah my boy Ian Oh their crazy president Yeah it was bad down there

My boy Ian went down there He's like calmed down though Has he calmed down recently Yeah he's calmed down If you just went and slapped him In front of everybody They're about to legalize marijuana What

Yeah That might be the place to go Yeah They got that sweet spaghetti Basket. They got that sweet spaghetti. Basketball. They got that sweet spaghetti. Yeah. The women are very loving.

Are they loving? Yes. It's good to know. Call centers. They love basketball. They play basketball over there in flip flops. It's huge. Really?

You go to the Philippines and still be a huge basketball fan without missing a beat. I know a lot of Filipino dudes who love the Lakers. Yeah. I don't know what that is. I don't know what it is either. My boy, I worked with this dude, and he said when he lived in the Philippines, they would watch VHS tapes of Lakers highlights and shit. That's the kind of world I want to be part of.

Kobe Lakers? No, I think Lake Show. Okay, that's great. Wait, you picked Thailand. What's up with Thailand? Yeah. Blood sports very untrue, by the way. Yeah, shout out to the Philippines.

Yeah. Tagalo is their language. I would go to Thailand. So I just have a few people. I got a couple dudes. I know this dude who's a drug dealer who's real heavy in Thailand. Like, he just goes there a lot, and he loves it. And I've just known several people.

It seems like a place that as long as you have money you can navigate fairly easy without a lot of questions being asked yeah it's kind of like centrally located for that part of asia so i could like bounce around to a lot of places because i'm going to bali for a weekend sure yeah i'm in thailand i run a fucking i run so here's the thing i run a chicken joint they don't even have to know if it's good i'm american i'm black'm black. They trust me. Oh, yeah. What the fuck? It's so easy. Yeah, I think it's a good life.

I think that I would wear a lot of tailored shit. Yes. You know what I'm saying? I would rock fake Rolexes. Sandals with suits. Sandals with suits. You could get a real Rolex, dude. I don't want one. All right.

That's a choice. Yeah, I don't mind the fake shit. Okay. You know what I mean? I think I would hang out. I think I would get a lot done. Read a lot. Take in movie a choice. Yeah, I don't mind the fake shit. Okay. You know what I mean? I think I would hang out. I think I would get a lot done, read a lot, take in movie tie fights. Yeah. Like the hard ones.

You know when you see the kids pounding away on the wood? Yeah. I want to watch those guys fight. Kicking each other in half. Yeah, just kicking the soul out of somebody. That food is good as fuck, man. Kick the Jesus out of them. I love some real.

R.I.P. to the Los Angeles location of Pok Pok, by the good as fuck, man. Kick the Jesus out of them. I love some real RIP to the Los Angeles location of Poc Poc, by the way. They closed it. They closed it last week. Poc Poc? Poc Poc. They're not moving it? No, they closed it. Just done. Shout out to Andy Ricker. They fucking closed it, dude. I looked busy when we were.

It's hard, LA. It's hard for everybody. I like Jitlada. Oh yeah, I heard Jitlada. You've never been there? I haven't been. Jitlada's legit. That's the one? Damn. It's hard for everybody. I like Jitlada. Oh yeah, I heard Jitlada. You've never been there? I haven't been. Jitlada's legit. That's the one? Yes.

With Jitlada? Where is it? It's on Hollywood, you know, where there's like a million Thai restaurants. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's in the back of this little shopping center. It's got a big sign that says Jitlada. And as you get closer, you just see like headshots and Oprah's face where she's been there. Oprah's been. And I knew it was going to be good because I

walked in as like one of those places where there were like a couple character actors who I didn't know their name but I was like oh you're good yeah and I've been there like four or five times since there and there's always like a really good working actor like a Will Patton's in there yeah just somebody like there was like a guy that was in like a lot of dramas I like. Just different ones where he shows up and I'm like, oh, this is going to be a good episode. That Maori dude from Training Day is probably eating that. Yeah. It's really good.

Jet Lada, you guys. Jet Lada. Sorry to interrupt, but it's legit. No, we're talking about Thailand. No, we're talking about Thailand. And the lady that owns it will come talk to you. And she's like your grandma. I like that.

It's really great. Some of that Thai hospitality. Thailand's a good pick. I like that. It's really great. Some of that Thai hospitality. Thailand's a good bit. I like Thailand. I can wear a big ass hat. Yeah. I like a big, like I got my big straw hat.

I like a big, huge, get the sun out of my face hat. I'm bummed I went with a mustard ass centric policy here because Thailand sounds good. I'm kind of regretting not thinking Thailand.

Thailand, I think you went with a what? Mustache centric policy. I thought you said mustard. I was like, regretting not thinking Thailand. Mustache-centric policy. I thought you said mustard. Mustard too. Every place I go has the hot mustard. Thailand. Excellent pick.

I feel good about it. Billy Wayne Davis, it's time for your You're in India. I'm in India. So you gotta get out of India. I can't go to Thailand because David's's time for your You're in India. I'm in India. So you got to get out of India. I can't go to Thailand because David's already there. I'm in it. He's taking it up. He's tying it up.

I might have to go to British Columbia, just like right up north. Oh, you're going to Canada. That's a flex. Canada's hiding in plain sight. That's it. You motherfucker. Because I just think where I wanted to lay my head. It took hella pics to get to your home country. Our producer's it. You motherfucker. Because I just think... That was where I wanted to lay my head. It took like almost...

It took hella pics to get to your home country. Our producer's Canadian. Oh, awesome. Just sitting there trying not to flip out. She's been cracking her knuckles the whole time. While we pick like Namibia... Bahrain. And Nepal and Bahrain.

All over Canada. Meanwhile, her perfectly good home country just sitting up there. Chill as fuck. By the way, I was just in Canada. It's fucking awesome. Vancouver's my favorite North American city. It's red. It's a lot gnarlier than I thought downtown. There's a lot more like...

Oh, it's legit. Yeah, it's buck down there for sure. I like that. It's a cool place and there's beautiful people. It closes early. I wasn't into that. That is frustrating. It's got that San Francisco like, hey, 2 a.m., go to bed.

Yeah, yeah. You're like, what? But you're a city. And you're like, yeah, but we're on the West Coast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you can also just disappear. Into the woods. Into the woods up there.

And it's some of the most beautiful lakes I've ever seen are up there. Just those mountain lakes where you're like, do people know about this? Yeah, but they're Canadian so they don't tell anybody. Not like that's a bad thing by any means. No, I mean, they keep their mouth shut.

They don't brag about stuff. They're not braggadocious. They're just like, yeah, we have cool things. So in this scenario, you're doing your city business in Vancouver and then going out to the woods.

I still got a float plane. Yeah. One of those. Float plane. Remember that kid who lived in Washington? This was a few years ago who stole a float plane. Yeah. One of those. Float plane. Remember that kid who lived in Washington? This was a few years ago. Who like stole a float plane.

He kept stealing airplanes. Yeah. Wait, he stole a float plane? Yeah. This kid stole so much shit. Like from tailspin? And he lived in the woods. Yeah.

What? He lived in the woods. He was like this crazy kid. Kid? Yeah. How old was he? He was like early teens, mid-teens? 13 or 14.

Is he like the son of survivalists who left him to fend for himself he was just i think he was probably on the spectrum a little bit um because he was like uber smart but a little anti-social right but like he stole like multiple planes yeah i remember that and like just wanted to see he'd just fly him and then come back and people never think it was this kid doing it he's just hanging out the airport that does roll so you're living a little bit of that life yeah yeah i like it i can fish do you ever go to victoria bc take it yeah i like it because like it's got that european feel yeah it's got that wax museum i've never been to vancouver but i've been to victoria a few times victoria is odd i like it it. But it feels just more

like a party town too because every time I'm in Victoria everybody's just shithoused. Yeah. Hecklers? Is that where you performed?

No, I never even performed there. Just on holiday. What's in Victoria? It's called Hecklers? It's called Hecklers. But it's actually a great place.

It's Canada. No one fucks around. But Vancouver is one of the best cities in the world without a doubt. So I would live there. There's enough shady shit going Vancouver is one of the best cities in the world, without a doubt. So I would live there. There's enough shady shit going on, and then I can go out in the woods and fucking do my thing.

Yeah. This includes the possibility to go to Montreal or Toronto. Yeah. So I can still. Yeah, Toronto's just cool. Yeah, you don't have to keep it on. Toronto, have you ever been to Toronto? No.

Toronto's the best place to do stuff. I mean, I liked Montreal. I thought Montreal was great. Montreal's great. I love Montreal. As a city, you're just like, this is cool. Yeah, it feels great. I don't know how anyone makes money here, but it's cool.

I think they just have it. It does feel like that. It does feel like they just have it. Yeah. The whole time, I was like, I don't know what anyone's doing here, but everyone seems to be doing it well. Yeah, everyone seems really happy. Canada's a great pick, but yeah, Toronto's the best place in America.

I think I would really like it. It is a funny quote, Toronto's the best place in America to do stand-up. It's the best place. It's probably true. Yeah, it probably is. It's so fucking great. Is that part of the Yuck Yuck Syndicate? I've only done JFL up there.

Okay. Yeah. Syndicate. But I think it is part of the Yuck Yuck Syndicate. Sounds crazy. They have a comedy bar. It's a good club there. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then they have this place called the Comedy Underground, but it's like a weed club. It's awesome. Yeah. Yes. I always bomb at weed shows. I haven't done it. I'm still in. Oh, they're not.

No, it's not necessarily a weed show, but it's like, it feels like that. Yeah. And she's like a pothead. This lady. I'm still haven't done it. I'm still in. Oh, they're not. No, it's not necessarily a weed show, but it's like, it feels like that. Yeah. And she's like a pothead. This lady, I'm still like, that's where we go down those stairs. Yes.

I'm still working on getting this booked, but she's such a pothead. Like, yeah. Like after like dealing with her at first, I was like, is this, is she being a bitch?

And then you realize like, Oh no, she's like a legit pothead. Yeah. She's just fucking high. It's like when you figure out like a legit pothead yeah she's just fucking high it's like when you figure out like a booker's hammered all the time yeah that is a weird feeling like for a while you're like this guy hates me and then you start looking at no he just he just emails me at 3 30 in the morning during a blackout yeah okay i've been there like time to get some business done yeah absolutely when you home drunk and you're like I got a weird amount of energy

You're all motivated I gotta get booked in Milwaukee Hey bitch why don't you bring me out So you're in Canada And now it's time to go to your final Your final destination Your fifth pick Where do you go

If I get kicked out of Canada, that's real fucked up. Right. I think I just go to like Fiji. Fiji. And just like be a tourist. You said that like it was a bad thing. That's rad. But I think like that would be like a tough place to hide out in the beginning.

You know, small cities, it's a small, it might be another archipelago. Because it is an archipelago. Yeah. But it's also like, it's just for high might be another archipelago because it is an archipelago yeah and it but it's also like it's just for high-end tourists yeah so the kind of legal shit i'm doing like high-end people know who i am people would look askance at you yeah because they'd be like what did he do and then they're like oh he did that to my cousin yeah and they're like yeah because you guys got money wait a minute i recognize you from back in America. Back in America.

Back in America. What are you doing in Fiji? And I just dive in the water. I'm not in Fiji. And then you dive in the water. You didn't see me. I'm not in Fiji. I'm in the ocean.

International waters. I think Fiji is where I end up at my last place because that's the place where when I used to get really stoned on the road, I would just go look up pictures of. Oh, yeah. You know that kind of stone where you can take yourself somewhere? Oh, man.

I get there every night. I'm on the Celtics. I'm the Celtics. I'm going to start smoking weed. Do you ever get stoned and do the Google Street View and just go through the city? I've done that. I do that in weird landlocked major cities in China.

Like, what's it like in Macau? I used to do that at work. Yeah, it's rad. It's super fun. Yeah, that's fun. I like when they'll find those lists on Google Maps where it's like, look at this crazy shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here's a guy peeing,

and maybe this is like a tiger in a wheelbarrow. Yeah, those are fun. Google Maps is the best. Shout out to Google Maps. Shout out to Google Maps. Y'all doing good. Y'all doing good. I wish I knew more about it.

All I know about Fiji is for some reason they prefer their water in square bottles. Check the Fiji B ingredient. I think there's some volcanoes. I think it's volcanic archipelago. Oh, okay, really? That's why the water's filtered. The water's filtered through the charcoal, right?

Yeah. The volcanic archipelago. Archipelago. Volcanic-a-pelico. He's got nine dicks, and they come at the same time. They're all like little islands. Ocean, nine dick. Yeah, well, Fiji's a dope pick.

I wish I had more to say about it. I don't know anything about Fiji. Yeah, well, see? It seems awesome. That's why I should go there. Because everyone's like, oh, that's awesome. What is it? It's somewhere in the South Pacific.

I couldn't even tell you. It's very far from everything, right? Yes, it is. It's like in the middle of fucking nowhere.'t even tell you. It's very far from everything, right? Yes, it is. It's like in the middle of fucking nowhere. Yes, you have to want to be there. It's a long fucking flight. Yeah. Even longer boat ride, I guess.

What if you had to swim, though? You'd probably die. Which is probably how you'd get there. I'm going to swim there from Nepal. He's all strong. Because we told him he couldn't. It's like blood building. It's the kind of guy I am.

Me and Vinny Pez. He's going to keep doing stuff we tell him he can't do until he kills him. We do things we told him he couldn't. It's like blood double. It's the kind of guy I am, me and Vinny Paz. He's going to keep doing stuff we tell him he can't do until he kills him. We do things that you say we can't. I bet you can't shoot yourself with this gun. I bet you can't beer bong all that, Jack Daniels. I saw someone do that. I did too. Oh, man.

I bet it sucks. I bet it's the worst. It's so much vomiting, right? I was like in my early 20s and it sucked. Oh, yeah. So you know it sucks. The second so much vomiting, right? I was like in my early 20s and it sucks. Oh, yeah. So you know it sucks. The second it goes in, it just comes flying back. Didn't it?

Didn't it come flying back out? I did that with a shot of tequila once at a high school party. You beer bonged one shot? No, I didn't. It wasn't a beer bong. It was a straight shot. It was like one of those. You know when like at the end of the night when you've been drinking a lot?

He closed his computer to tell this. At the beginning. Yeah, you guys can't tell the beginning... Yeah, if you guys can't tell the story... Okay, this is... At the beginning of the night, you can, like, handle shots and stuff,

but, like, at the end of the night, if you... You've had seven different kinds of alcohol. Because you're 15. You're a boy. You drink like a boy.

Right, you drink like a boy, but, yeah, but, like, this was at the end of the night. I had all these different kinds of alcohol, and I was going to have one last shot of tequila,

and I took the shot of tequila, and I was like, all right, and my body was like and that will and i spit it back up right back into the shot glass almost perfectly that's pretty cool yeah it's cool you're not the guy who's fucking ralphing all over like the kitchen it was just the way my body was like one shot too many my body was like a cool bouncer it was like like, oh, not tonight, man. I'm sorry. It was really like, hey, we'd love you to come in, but we are actually a capacity. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's nothing against you.

You look great. Just, you know, not tonight. Well, they literally tried to let you in, but you just popped right back out. Yeah, I was like, whoa, yeah. See, we told you. Not for me. I don't want to be in the question. You physically can't come in.

Fiji, excellent pick. Fiji is a good pick. David Borey. Okay. Yeah. So now I'm going to live out the rest of my days. You're living out the rest of your days. I'm ragging on the road.

Where do you want to fade away? So now. You've worn out your welcome in Thailand. I've worn out. They found out it was a scam. Yep. It wasn't chicken. It was rat.

Fuck you. Anything goes out here, baby. I hop on a plane and I go to Hungary. Hungary? Budapest. Budapest. Budapest. Yeah.

They might actually listen to it if they do. Shout out the Hungarians. David, my man, the Palinka Connect. What? You got people everywhere. I got. So these Hungarians came and they stayed in our house in san francisco because they were going to outside lands and then they just stayed and we

were friends they were there for like eight months and then they moved they got coding jobs and shit and they were great guys whoa they were there they came to go to a festival and stayed for eight months and got jobs yeah and then yeah but then had a hearing, and so they had to go back to Budapest. And then the Milan guy stayed, but David came back. He's got like this Puerto Rican girl. They were always doing cool shit. The American dream. You'd be like, what are you guys doing?

And they're like, oh, we're going to skateboard. We put GoPros on our skateboard and go hills. I like them. They were always surfing and shit. Damn. And they drink Palenka. They were always surfing and shit. Damn. And they drink Palinka. So I got a lot of reasons hungry. First of all, I'm going to settle down.

I'm going to have a kid. I don't want to be on the run anymore. Yeah. Universal health care, dog. 100% of them, right? 100% of Hungarians covered. Also, ton of thermal water in Hungary. What is that?

Bathhouse culture. Oh, bathhouse culture. They love swaths. There's thermal springs all over the country is that? Bathhouse culture. They love squaws. There's thermal springs all over the country. It's beautiful. Incredible architecture. The food, pretty decent. Paprika?

Paprika. I fuck with paprika. They put it on desserts out there. They put paprika on desserts? Yeah, man. They're wildin'. Like a cinnamon? Goulash is Hungarian? It might be.

And we got castles my boy sean jordan wants to come out hungry man and and there's some civil unrest there what since there's there was there was yeah but you know what that means that means because of that because of that uh uh budapest, 53% women. There's not a lot of men, though. They died out. That's good for raping. What?

Oh, Jesus. Now we know. Just saying odds. Now we know how you got chased out of America in the first place. I'm bad at odds. It is crazy that all the women in Hungary rape each other. Thank you. Thank you. I'm bad at odds It is crazy that all the women in Hungary Rape each other Thank you

I'm just reporting I don't know why we think talking about it more is going to make it worse But yeah, Budapest I would live there I would just settle down Hungary It's beautiful And the spa culture there goes way back

You had me, a spa culture. And the spa culture there goes way back. I mean, you had me a spa culture. Yeah. Spa culture. And then the paprika was just the paprika on top. Yeah, that's the paprika on top of the spa, man. No other real way to say it. What is spa culture? I think hanging out at spas all day.

Just be very sweating. You got a hot room. You got a cold room. Just towels. Yeah, just towels. And just meaningless conversation yeah man it's just bullshitting in a in a hot room this is lightweight spa culture for me it's very hot like what we're doing right now yeah yeah yeah but no also but they got all the different rooms

and the massages and the salves and the balms rub the the salves. Smack it up, flip it, rub it down. Oh, no. Work it, dip it, flip it, and ride that B-O-O-T-Y-O-M-I. Yeah, I think I would just live out my days. I'm in. I'm hungry. Sounds fun. I'm not allowed there. Because of the comment

I made on this podcast. You've been barred from Hungary. Yeah, they just heard that. They're like, he's... It turns out that you guys were right about Nepal. I didn't fare very well. I almost died. I got altitude sickness when I landed.

So I'm going to live out the rest of my days in Spain. That's where I'm going. Oh, Spain. Back to Europe. Is it perhaps in Barcelona? Yes. Oh, will you speak the Castellano? Castellano. Castellano.

Castellano's from it. It's using vosotros. Conjugating vosotros. Yeah, I'll start conjugating verbs. They eat dinner at like 11 at night over there and shit. It seems like about the most laid back it can be. And I mean, this is going to be pretty skateboard heavy, but Barcelona is like the new...

Barcelona. Barcelona. Barcelona. You're going to fit. I want you to be okay. This is your last time. I want to make sure you're okay. This is for your benefit. Barcelona.

You guys don't want me going like, hey, where's the best place to skate in Barcelona then? Yeah. Right to the fucking cops, dude. Barcelona has amazing, amazing skateboarding and they don't hate it yet like everybody thinks it's cool all the cops don't think it's cool so they don't kick you out or anything yeah just seems fun seems like shirts are optional pretty much all the time which great food some of the best restaurants in the world a lot of like street a lot of outdoor street dining wine i'd get heavy into wine which which would be fun. The dream team won their medals.

And you know what city? Barcelona. Oh, that's where the greatest basketball game of all time was played, right? Oh, the practice? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You saw Ian and I playing one-on-one in the driveway? It was in Barcelona. It was in Barcelona.

Before we knew each other, we just played a random one-on-one game in Barcelona. Of course, we're Before we knew each other, we just played a random one-on-one game in Barcelona. Of course, we're talking about Game 7 of the 1977 NBA Championships when the Portland Trailblazers defeated the Philadelphia 76ers. That's exactly what we're talking about. More like the 86ers. It was like, get out of here. You lost.

That was in Barcelona. And a long way to go. I like that. Barcelona. Beautiful Gaudi architecture. Yep. Lots of great... Cold soup. I like that. Barcelona. Beautiful Gaudi architecture. Yep. Lots of great art. Cold soup.

Cold soups. Yep. Cold soups, hot nights. Yeah. The coastline, if I need to get to the beach, I get to the beach. It's fun. Don't you have a nap time? For not the best page, Portugal.

Huh? On account of Portugal. Okay. Yeah. Wait, is that where you're going? No. But wait, do the Spanish have, not like a nap time. Siesta. But they have, oh, they do. In the middle do the Spanish have, not like a nap time. Siesta.

But they have, oh, they do. Like, I'm too drunk from this lunch. Let's just slow it down. Yeah. Pump the brakes because I got a long night ahead of me. Yeah, probably can't do any work for a little bit. Not that I'll have a job. I'll be, you know, I'm doing well.

You're independently wealthy from all your other endeavors. Yeah, I'm doing well at this point. Across the world. I found a bunch of stuff in Nepal that, you know, was worth a lot of money in Barcelona.ona your exploits so yeah that's where i'm calling it a night it's funny i like that yep man now it's on to me what do you got you gotta close it up all right so this is my final country i can't run anymore no you got it you finally got to turn around and fight i have to finally i have to make my plan dig in your heels and you know let the let the chips fall it went

down in mexico you're tired of the revolution yeah boy did it go down in mexico with one of your two jobs you gave your blood for the cause you know what i mean that french lady showed up you lost your commander in chief at the bar. I don't know what country this is. I think he's on a cruise. Israel, motherfuckers.

Oh! I'm tired of getting chased. Tired of getting chased. It's time to gang up with some other rowdy Jews who've done some gully shit. Remind people that we used to be the toughest motherfucker there was a time when you needed someone dead you told the jews albert anastasia special forces huh yeah still the scariest shin bet scary the idf is scary i don't agree with him on all the

political murder ink was jews right ink was the jew the Purple Gang. Meyer Lansky was Jews? Meyer Lansky, Purple Gang. Murder, Inc. Wait, Purple Gang? Purple Gang is real. The Purple Gang was in... Are you talking about you, Ganja John, and Ron Funches? No, no, no.

That Purple Gang was real, too. That was a very real Purple Gang. Yeah, I was like, what the fuck? There was an actual Purple Gang... Ganja actual purple gang in, I think, Detroit, although it could have been in New York. It might have been New York, where it was just a tough Jewish gang where they murdered a group of people. Damn.

Anyway, I'm not going to New York, but I am going. I'm in Israel, and I'm just fucking, and I'm getting in with like a shady group of individuals, maybe in Tel Aviv, Yaffa. They're strong. Do they have like a mafia? Yeah. Yeah. Maybe in Tel Aviv, Yaffa. Do they have a mafia? Yeah. What is it called?

We don't know. I don't know. Speak its name. Yeah. Just secret fucking Jew mafia. It's just Jew stuff. They're doing Jew stuff in the basement. The title is the handshake.

The SJM, dude. The secret Jew mafia. We're moving Molly. A lot of what we do is moving Molly. Not even interested in Molly. Just know it's a good product. Just moving it. Just moving Molly.

We know it's a high profit. Did you know the doctor who discovered THC and CBD is Israeli? Really? It was in Israel. Yes. I didn't know that. Because you guys are smart. Yep.

Is that guilty? He means the mustaches yeah the mustaches and the girls and uh and that you were the one of the israel was one of the first countries where they could uh do research with marijuana because like even here people were like they still have they still have trouble because they didn't want people to find out it's fucking harmless. And it's actually very helpful and we can grow it and it'll save our fucking economy. But in Israel, they're like, okay, let's look at this.

We'll try it. Let's look at this money-making plant. And there was this doctor. And he's like, I've never even smoked it. It's fascinating. He's like, I have no interest. He was like, it was just something that we'd never really looked into. So that,

that excited me. Whoa. And he's the one that, and he's still finding new shit. He can, now he can like, there's certain parts of it. He's like,

this will help this. And this will help. Wow. He's like in his eighties. Yeah, man. Yes. You're linking up with this dude now.

One drawback, but I feel like I can get around it in my own home. Because of kosher laws, their pizza sucks. Is their pizza bad? They put corn on pizza and shit. It's whack. I think you just

gotta get out of pizza games. Corn in lieu of meat. It's never gonna be as good as it was in Italy. It won't be. You know what I'm saying? You might just chase a mad dragon

the whole time. But the bagels will be good. The bagels will be good. The falafel. Hummus. Is there shawarma? Yeah, you can get a shawarma situation. They're really beautiful people.

Gorgeous people. Matzah ball soup's really good. These are more Jewish foods than Israeli foods, but I bet they have it. I'm just saying. I'm just saying, I bet they have it. Mel Brooks movies. It's all very, all TV,

all the television. Do you, do you know where you're living? Are you like in Tel Aviv? This is more of a, I'd be more of a Tel Aviv situation than a Jerusalem situation. Right. That makes,

cause you're young, you're fun. I want to be on the beach. You don't want to, you can also go, you're not trying to wailing wall. No, I'm not even that Jewish.

You can go there if you need to though. Yeah, I don't, I'm not political. No, I'm not political that Jewish. You can go there if you need to, though. Yeah, I'm not political. No, I'm not political. Yeah. I like swimming. I love you, but I don't. Yeah.

And you're too old to have to join the military. Right, exactly. I don't have to join the IDF. But if I did, I'd be a cook making that matzo ball soup. And they got hot lady soldiers. Oh, Krav Maga? Oh, you could. Yes.

Yeah. That's the national fight over there. It's a martial arts teacher who's got to pick up a tank and knock a jet out of the sky with it. That's advanced. You have to get approved to go to those classes. It's like 300 level improv classes. Right, exactly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to do that. So you got to be rich? Oh, watch out, UCB. You got them. You got them you got to be rich. Oh, watch out, UCB. I'm coming for you. You got them. In the sights. You get back in that corner, UCB.

Nice improv move. You really ripped their face off. Yeah, they know the beef song. See, I do. Catch me in Israel eating corn on pizza. I'm Molly listening to Infected Mushroom, which is a techno group that I heard about from back in the Napster days to Infected Mushroom. Which is a techno group that I heard about from back in the Napster days.

Infected Mushroom. I trust you. Just out of curiosity, I feel like your shirt game is going to be similar to the Italy shirt game. Yeah, it's going to be back to a lot of white linens. Yeah, yeah. Open shirts. White linens, how I'm living. Just open that old leather

suitcase you've been getting around i knew i'd need this yeah got little and i got a passport with old-fashioned stamps in it all right my computer's gonna die so before it does let's recap let's recap our journeys of of escape uh from the heat so billy Billy Wayne Davis, you went from America to the Netherlands. Yes. Then to Bahrain. Bahrain. India. Yes.

Canada. Yes. And then Fiji. Yes. What a journey. It's a fun list. It was, yeah. Dave, you went from America

to the motherland, Sierra Leone. Right up on the titty. Then to Namibia. Yep. Belize. Yep. Thailand. Uh-huh.

And Hungary. Give it to them. Sean Jordan. Yes, sir. Your first stop was Costa Rica. Yeah, yeah, I get bucked. And then you went to Ireland. Yeah, I get bucked.

Sometimes I drink. From Ireland to Sweden, you just jumped across maybe the Atlantic there. Went to go see Jesper. Yeah. From Sweden, Nepal. Shorter breath. Shorter breath in Nepal. And this is where I stopped writing.

From Nepal, you went to, oh, España. España and Barcelona. España and Barcelona. Ian George Carmel. From America to Italy. From Italy to the Vatican. That's such a deep... Just dove in deeper.

Fuck you, cops. From the Vatican to France. You just crossed the street. I did. I like that. I gotta get out of this country. I'm going over there. The Vatican to Paris, France.

France, direct flight to Mexico. That's Southwest. Yeah, Southwest flight. I think that's a Southwest flight. To Mexico. And then I wrapped the whole thing up in Israel, hanging out in Tel Aviv. I think we all could be the heroes in a paperback novel with these lists. Yeah, I think we could.

This would be an interesting book. I think this would be a weird, weird book. I wanted, like, I was tempted to pick a Japan because Japan seems cool. Seems fun. But I don't speak any Japanese. I'll stick out, like, a sore thumb over there. I don't want to get drunk, too. I don't want to.

You could get drunk in Japan. Yeah. Like, real. But you don't want to get drunk and not know how to communicate at all that would suck i bet people would help probably i've one of these things with these countries i was excited to like maybe learn the language maybe it forced me to learn the language yeah so maybe japan god it'd be hard just to pick up though that's not that's the thing the asian languages that like would be so hard they're the farthest from our languages yeah there are a lot of yeah just their noises are different yeah the whole in the in the writing system is completely like that'd be the hardest thing to

take in i'm surprised brazil didn't get any looks it's it's on the list but yeah it's on my list too yeah i just think it's too dangerous in brazil yeah just even try to disappear i think it's too dangerous yeah australia new ze Zealand didn't get any love. I think. Astonishing. Australia's already filled with criminals. Yeah, they get it. I had to not pick places that I just wanted to get hammered the whole time.

True. Hence Nepal. Hence Nepal. They don't drink. They don't drink. They just breathe and chill. Well, that's it. They got oxygen bars.

We may have escaped authority, but you certainly didn't escape a good time, you know, because you had one, baby. Thank you for listening to this week's episode of All Fantasy Everything. Tune in again next week for another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Then we yell something on the way out. There it is. Hey. Whoa. Have a blow.

Damn it. Have a blow pop. Oh. Have a blow pop. Oh, have a blow pop. Remember those commercials? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Watermelon. Watermelon. Watermelon.

Paprika. Read a book. Paprika. That's a good one. Grip it. Grip it. Let's all just say paprika at the same time, and that'll be the last thing they hear. Like a Eureka style?

Yeah. All right. One, two, three. Paprika!