All Fantasy Everything - Famous Arthurs

Episode Date: December 12, 2024

In honor of the Gbirth of Ian's son, which was very dank.Support the show!Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for ad-free episodes, mailbags, and video pre-rolls.Advertise on AFE!Advertise on All Fantasy Everything via Gumball.fm.Follow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel (X @IanKarmel, IG @IanKarmel)Sean Jordan (X @SeanSJordan, IG @SeancougarmelonJordan)David Gborie (IG @Coolguyjokes87)Isaac K. Lee (X @IsaacKLee, IG @IsaacKLee)See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. People throwing parties, ugly sweaters everywhere, stockings hung up by the chimney with care. It could only mean one thing. McRib is here. At Participating McDonald's for a Limited Time. With Audible, there's more to imagine when you listen. Whether you listen to stories, motivation, expert advice, any genre you love, you can be inspired to imagine new worlds, new possibilities, new ways of thinking. And Audible makes it easy to be inspired and

entertained as a part of your everyday routine, without needing to set aside extra time. As an Audible member, you choose one title a month to keep from their ever-growing catalog. Explore themes of friendship, loss, and hope with remarkably bright creatures by Shelby van Pelt. Find what piques your imagination. Sign up for a free 30-day Audible trial and your first audiobook is free. Visit audible.ca to sign up. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything, the podcast where we fantasy draft anything and everything from the world of popular culture. On today's episode, we are drafting famous Arthurs in honor of my newborn baby son, Arthur Carmel. My phone just fell on my pocket.

But if you were just like, jeez. It looked like you were looking for him. Arthur of my newborn baby son, Reggie. Congratulations, man. First of all, Reggie. Congratulations, man. First of all, yeah, congrats, man. Come on, dude. They met on FaceTime the other day. Oh, big, big day. Max Manon?

He got a little FaceTime. How is she with babies? Was she excited? Loves him. She's been talking about Arthur since we hung up almost. She brought him up probably 15 times since then. That was two days ago. Has she really?

Mm-hmm. She loves babies, man. It's interesting the way toddlers love babies. Is Max a toddler? I would consider her a toddler. She's a toddler. When does toddler max out? Like five?

Should I stop commenting on her height? I never do it around her. Should I not do it on the podcast? I'd like to be talking about your, to address this, and then we talk about Arthur. So everyone does it. So it's one of those things now where people, they're like, and then I go, yeah, she big.

And then I kind of lean in, I was like, you're tall kid. And I like, you know, encouraging. And I'm like, cause it's a good coveted thing. People want to be tall. So I just don't want her to get a complex about it. But I hear you, I had the general and I had a little chin wag about it where I was like, you know, I'm bringing up every time.

You set him straight? You set the general straight? We talk, I mean he's like. You have a little foreign policy discussion? We talk. Yeah, I had my hand up right above the eyebrow and I said like a 45 degree angle. Permission to speak freely, sir?

Arthur's been here since Thanksgiving Day for the listeners. I know we posted on Instagram, he was born on Thanksgiving. Thank you guys for filling in last week. Of course. You need any more time off, man. I can't believe you're doing this. If you need any more time off.

I'm here He's good, dude. He's mostly on he's walking already Drop off a house of pies and then pick him up at 9 p.m. He's alright Tell you this yeah, he's he's handsome. There's a that photo that you said he's striking And he looks like an adult in one of those photos. You know what's crazy too is in the profile, you could like, you had that picture of the profile of him, you can see both you and Dana in him already,

which is really wild. I could see me immediately, and it's taken me a little bit longer to find Dana in his face, but every time I do, it's crazy how much this is gonna be like a full dad gush fest, but like. Who are you talking to, baby? I know, I know, but like, I do, it's crazy how much this is gonna be like a full dad gush fest, but like. Who you talking to, baby? I know, I know, but like I'm like.

Doesn't make me love him more, but it makes it crazier. When you see you're like, oh my God, that's like my wife's eyes in your child, that's crazy. There's that whole thing, I mean, it looks like, you know, they changed the, they're supposed to look like the dad so we don't leave. I'm telling you, look at how handsome he is. He really, that one photo of him laying down, he's just, he looks like they changed, they're supposed to look like the dad so we don't leave. I'm telling you, look at how handsome he is. He really, that one photo of him laying down,

he looks like a model. He's a handsome dude. This is weird, how do you like that smell? Baby smell. Oh dude, it's the best smell. The smell of babies is good. My older sister, Jessica Blaylock, put it. Still smells like that.

She still, she's maintaining it. Never lost it. She's still on breast milk. She's still on breast milk, she's maintaining it. Never lost it. She's still on breast milk. She's still on breast milk. She's doing three quarts a day. Does he still smell like the other side? And I like that. She's just doing it like Stone Colds.

Oh. Isn't that crazy? He smells like the great beyond, like the great mystery wherever everything comes from. Yeah, it's weird to think that everything's new for him. Yeah. Here's something that I think I know, but I don't know how I know it.

It's one of those things. Well, when a daddy loves a mommy. First of all, I would like to thank you for showing up to the podcast for us like Shane Torres today. It's very nice. Ha ha! Yo, that is a Shane-out outfit. Sean is in his genie, a gray genie,

and a Comedy On State hoodie, in case you're only listening to this. He's in full Shane Torres cosplay. I had my Fort Collins sweatshirt on yesterday, I swear to God. And I thought about that. I didn't, oh, oh, check, bro. Look at this, there's a barbecue sauce stain right there, too.

Yeah, it's perfect. Tell me that at one point. He'd tell you it's blood from the gym, because he was like, I picked the weights for two lights, so I broke my forehead. I was firing. I heard years and years ago that babies remember their birth for like a year or something,

but they can't talk about it obviously, because they don't know what. Obviously. How would they think of that? They had to sign an NDA on the way out. I can't really get into that. Due to ongoing matters with the insurance company. Yeah, I can't.

I can't talk about what goes on in there, stays in there. I don't know how I know that. I don't know how anyone would figure that out. That's why I prefaced it. But it's interesting to entertain that idea if it's true, is it not? I, okay, yeah, it is interesting to entertain that idea if it's true, is it not? Okay, yeah, it is interesting to entertain the idea if it's true.

What? What were you gonna say? Don't pop my balloon right away. It's a very, it's a very, it's a very funny way. It is interesting to entertain that idea. Is it not? Man. Dude, I've been, I've been trying to read.

Would you read that? A bathroom wall? I'm trying to read. Would you read that? A bathroom wall? Man, he was a C-section, so I hope he doesn't remember that shit. It was hard enough to remember. Just a blade coming in? Yeah, that would be tough.

Yeah, it's a doctor's place. Were you a C-section? That's how it starts. I was, no, I was vaginal birth. Me and all my bros were C-sections. You were all c-sectioned everyone Really? Mm-hmm. They picked my youngest two brothers birthdays Really? That yeah, because I think it was after that they were like, okay, it's gonna be all c-section. My mom's little though

I was osmosis. I just I just absorbed myself out. Yeah Most you are most I was like term I was like Terminator 2 when he goes through the bars. Not as close as Jones. Did you, okay. Did you, hey, cut this out if you want. Were you there? I've always wanted to see, watch a C-section. I was there.

You've always wanted to watch a C-section? I know. Well, so you couldn't see anything. No, I think you can watch them on, I remember, because my mom used to play this shit when we were sitting around eating dinner, because my mom loved TLC, like medical television, because she's a nurse. So do I, I love that shit.

I hate it, I can't watch it, but I think you could watch C-sections, because you could watch all sorts of surgeries. You can, but that's different. Yeah, totally. I can't, I can see one if I want, you're right. I don't want to get too into the nitty gritty because it's traumatic and it's also like

nobody's business to that degree. But like, yeah, I was there for the C-section, you're behind like a curtain. It was an unexpected C-section, which is the worst kind. Do you take your shirt off before he comes out? Just to be ready. Just to be ready. I took my shirt off on the way into the hospital.

I showed him my tattoo on the way in. For me it was, I didn't put a shirt on when I walked into the room. No, they had me in like one of those bunny suits. You're in like a full like zip up paper, like surgery outfit kind of thing. Our situation was a little bit different. This is as into it as I will get.

And this is a little bit heavy for the top of a podcast, but you've been with us for like six years, most of you. So I'll get into it. He was an unexpected C-section and Arthur had to spend the first few days of his life in the NICU, the first like five days, for again, reasons I won't get into, but he's all good now, mom's all good now. First of all, shout out to, if you're a nurse, I love you.

Shout out to nurse, and doctors too, if there's a doctor, I think there are a couple doctors who listen to this. You're wonderful too. There are. There are, I I think it has name, but he came to the Toronto show That guy rules. There's other doctors Childbirth of course is a very personal choice and We were never gonna have a home birth anyway, because my mother, who was a labor and delivery nurse,

said to me, home births are always fine until they're not. Bro? Yeah, that's fair. And this was one of those, and like Dana had, so I was just saying this in case you're considering it, and again, it's your business, it's very personal, but like the healthiest pregnancy of all time, just green lights every way, never even felt that sick at any point of it,

just like felt great, every ultrasound was immaculate, we had an ultrasound. The day before she gave birth, and then all of a sudden it wasn't okay. So that's why I understand that the natural birth and all that stuff can be important, but thank God we were in a hospital. And it's a thing you don't get a second chance with.

So I mean, if it's something you're considering, you can't fuck it up and be like, oh, sorry, I'll do better the next time. It's something you can only get right the first time. And I'm so glad we were in the hospital. And I'm so glad there was a NICU like one elevator ride upstairs. Cause I wouldn't wish that first like,

on the one hand you're like, sun is born and it's amazing. But like the fear and anxiety that you feel for that first like, I mean, honestly it was like 90 hours. But especially that first 12, like, go to a hospital, have it in a hospital. Because even like if it's an ambulance ride away, that can be too far. So that's all I'll say about it.

I thought you were gonna say something heavy. I thought you were gonna say something heavy. What are you doing? Yeah. You know what? Where's the heavy stuff? He's all good now, though. He's crying and shitting and like,

I have to clean his balls, I have to clean. Baby balls are hilarious. It's so funny. It's just a little baby ball sack down there, dude. Have you, have you known a lot of baby time? Say what? You've had a ton of baby time, so this isn't like your first baby.

This is kind of the first baby that I've been involved with to this degree. I was never really. Oh, okay. People will be like, you want to change this diaper? And I would always be like, no, I don't want to. This is kind of the first baby that I've been involved with to this degree. I was never really... Oh, okay. People would be like, you want to change this diaper? And I would always be like, nah, that's okay.

By the way, can we stop asking people that question? Stop it. It's not funny to me. Nobody wants to. It's just weird. No, I don't... Yeah. Yeah.

And I don't find my son's shit disgusting, but I do find your son's shit disgusting. Dude, exactly. Exactly. my son's shit disgusting, but I do find your son's shit disgusting. Dude, exactly, exactly. I changed all my brothers a lot, and it's not like a cute. It's fine. Yeah. I mean, I caught, did I catch some pee in the mouth one time? Yeah.

Dude, I've been pissed on heaven. Heaven. I'm like a German politician. They don't give a shit. Like. These girls don't projectile, so I don't gotta worry about it. They don't give a shit. Like. These girls don't projectile, so I don't gotta worry about it. It's more of a spread.

He's like got comedic timing with his bowel movements and shit. I swear to God. You know what's funny about babies peeing, or at least all my little brothers, when they would pee in your face, they would be looking away, so it felt more disrespectful.

Yeah. Like, if you're gonna pee in my mouth, you fucking look at me. That's the goddamn sex act of 1867. Yeah, you make eye contact, you acknowledge me as a soul on this planet. You're gonna disrespect me about, you're gonna be in my mouth? They're just looking away like, nah.

Yeah, he'll shit the second I get his onesies zipped back up after I change his diapers. And they are audible shits. Yeah. Every single time they're big. Yeah, they're all squinchy. They're all squinchy. It's crazy.

What's that, corner turns and shit gets creamy though? Woof. They, one time Max was, I was changing her diaper and she just started like, while I was in the middle of changing, putting her fresh diaper on, she was pooping. I was like, she's doing it, it's happening right now. Like I was watching it come out.

I was like, this is crazy. I can see it coming out. You realize you don't really get to see people pooping a lot. You never see it unless you're a lunatic. It's like seeing people have sex. Unless you're the kind of guy who's into that and then you see it probably every night around 11. Buy a glass table and go to town.

Still go to the hospital when you have a kid, but yeah. Yeah, make sure you do that. Even if you enjoy watching people shit. Yeah, man. I also, the ritual of being at the hospital, it was pretty COVID-y for us, but it's still, it's like you're in the movies. You grab the go bag and you go, it's a whole thing.

You have this weird, you're nervous on the way there and on the way home, you know, you're terrified, but it's, I don't know, it's a whole experience. You tweet in the morning, last night was a movie, bro. Yeah. Yeah, I know. Yeah. Yeah.

He's got your baby. Specifically alien. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Last night was a racerhead, bro. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Everyone just goes, oh congratulations. You get it. One last question and we can go on.

You said all four of the grandparents are there now? They were there for the birth. So my dad was in, Ivan was up in San Luis Obispo and drove down. My mom flew down immediately. None of my business. What wasn't he doing in San Luis Obispo? Yeah, he was just there.

He happened to be a little closer. I don't ask and he doesn't tell. He was, my grandma lives in St. Louis. Okay. And then the Schwartz's flew in too. So they were like all four on deck. Kind of, her mom's coming back this week, but kind of at the most like, all they do is sleep

at the beginning, and him especially, because he was in the NICU, but it was nice to have the parents there for us. Yeah, but it's not like you're chilling, be like, wow, they got him, I'm gonna get out of here. No, there was no like, there was like, ah, Linda's here, so I'll be like, I'll hit the gym, dude. Like.

Yeah. No, but hopefully a little bit more of that, this coming, she's coming and staying like all the way through Hanukkah. Christmas, for those of you. I know what Hanukkah is, dude. The 25th this year, they're the same day. I know.

They're the same fucking day, bro. I'm dressed like Shane, man. I know stuff like that right now. You are so, it's crazy how much you're dressed like Shane. I have a basketball, he wears, he does wear this color blue a lot too. It's an above the rim shirt on, but he's got like this color blue a lot of shirts.

It's one of his three colors. Cranberry, black, navy, gray, white, and blue. Hi, my name's black, navy, gray, white. Black, navy, gray, white. I don't know how funny I'm gonna be in this episode, but I'm here, baby. You're in it. Oh, shit. That's nothing new.

He was born on Thanksgiving, and many people have been asking me about what happened to the $170 turkey from McCall's butcher. I also am curious about that. I've been wondering. I forgot, yeah. So what happened, like it was Wednesday night, it was the night before Thanksgiving, and like Dana had like, even though she was having like,

what we thought were Braxton Hicks contractions, but turned out to be real ones. Tony Braxton's. She was having Tony Braxton Hicks, Tony Braxton Taylor Hicks. Contractions to another sad love song, cracking my brain. You just hear it faint.

She was having it. She made two pies and I was making all the pre stuff and I had the turkey spatchcocked, dry brining in the fridge. Dude, by the way, I haven't even told you that recipe. Oh baby. Good, right? That shit went nuts. It was so good, perfect.

It was so perfect. They were cooking that night. What? The stuff. It was cooking the night before? No, I'm crazy. Well, we made the pies the night before. We made the mashed potatoes the night before.

Stuff you can just heat up, you know what I mean? And had the turkey dry brining 48 hours. It was gonna be 48 hours by the time I put it in the oven. It was gonna be perfect. She like getting painful contractions that night. She's like, I think we should go to the hospital think I'll be dead Yeah to the hospital Meanwhile Isaac came to your house. I'm not gonna lie to you as it goes over and thinking about the turkey As the doctors are coming in 170 bucks. Like, you know, like, emergency C-section. Like, as the doctors are coming in to check in on her,

you know, and they're like trying to do things to be like, okay, we need to address this. And I'm thinking like, all right, there's still a chance we might get out of here tonight. I'll make that turkey. The doctor comes in. I love that. I think you're fully in dad mode then. Fully in dad mode. I'm like, I got $. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that.

I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that.

I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that.

I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. Things still might be normal. Things still might be normal. It might be okay. They give the epidural, they're like, I think we're gonna have to do a C-section.

I'm thinking like, probably not gonna get a chance to cook that turkey. That's the thing. But I'm still considering it. And I'm like texting my parents, I'm in a daze, you know? Like, and like, you know, like Dana's parents are asleep because they're in Chicago. At this point, it's like 1 a.m. 2 a.m

My mom is awake. So she's like, you know bought a plane ticket flying down My dad like he's you know, once I got a hold of him the next morning He's like driving down and I'm like, alright, so You know, my dad's driving down Like it's on the way to Cedars My dad knows how to cook a turkey this thing that at this point has been dry brining for 72 hours, which is like about as long as you wanna let something dry brine, but I'm thinking like,

all right, I can send Ivan to the house. You know, cause Dana's parents are here. It's a small hospital room. Also Ivan's a soldier. He's a soldier. He'll do it. He just wants to help. Me, it turns out me, my mom and my dad,

this is on the day after Thanksgiving, go to the house because we want to give Dana some room, a little bit of time with her parents. We go to the house, we cook the turkey, we make the gravy. We heat up the mashed potatoes, we cook the stuffing, we put it all on Tupperware, bring it back to the hospital that Friday night, bring a pie, pie for the nurses,

have Thanksgiving dinner right there in the hospital room the day after. Aw, that's sweet, man. That's a great memory. The sweetest Thanksgiving of all, you know? Especially now that we know, like, at the time we didn't know how things were gonna quite turn out

With arty, but it was so nice to just be around and like have your parents there like surround it It turned out to be the sweetest Thanksgiving ever I will say Not a hundred and seventy dollars worth of turkey It'd be like a trunkful Same price to pay for turkey. It tasted like turkey. It was like good. It was really good turkey.

It was moist, but it was not $170 worth of turkey. Yeah, but you made it good. You never pay that much for turkey. Didn't you make it better? You know what I mean? Like if somebody of an amateur would have cooked it, would have tasted like a hundred, you know what I mean? You did that.

Maybe, I don't know. I don't know. You might, because I used the same recipe and my shit was $12 and my shit was booming. I bet it was. I bet it was. This thing, I basically paid for the knowledge that this turkey, it had a Nintendo Switch,

it had a good life, it lived in a field, all that shit. Not worth it flavor profile wise. A huge financial mistake, but definitely not the most uh impactful financial thing that happened to me that week That's fair. No I just picture you leaving the hospital like all right. What are we looking at? You're just peeling off. You lost your parlay, right? What's gonna set your boy back I had lions cowboys son not born until december What's gonna set your boy back? I had lion's cowboy's son not born until December. What if I introduce you to Nikki Glaser?

Knock a couple bucks off, what are we doing? I can get Nikki Glaser to make her roast jokes about the Nik-U? Anything? Oh, thank God for Ryder's Guild Insurance. So that's what happened to the turkey. Not that it like, it turned out to be sweet. We just had Thanksgiving, we cooked it a day late, had Thanksgiving dinner in the hospital room. All very nice.

Dana recovering from surgery and still like trying to get up and move around. Because she's trying to say, I'd still be in bed. They're gnarly. Like just women, I don't get it, man. I was watching Laura go to the bathroom, I'm like, what the fuck are you walking around for? I could've guessed. What, yesterday?

Yeah. Is that how you talked to her? What are you walking around for? I told her I was gone. I opened the door and shut it, but I stayed in the house. You were like, you never see people poop. I wanna, I wanna. We're getting into today

not to talk about my son, oh wait, what's everybody, what the fuck's up, Sean S. Jordan is here, Sean Cougar Melon Jordan on Instagram. Sean Torres, Shane Jordan. First of all, stop, stop it. I like Sean Torres. Sean Torres. They called, Carly Valerini called him Sean Torres

when he was recording his album, we were at Comedy on State this very club, and she goes to your headliner, Sean Torres. They called, Carly Valerini called him Sean Torres when he was recording his album. We were at Comedy on State, this very club. And she goes, your headliner, Sean Torres. And I'm like, oh! He's never gonna let that go. December 22nd, I'm headlining Helium, doing the Office Christmas Party, making a PowerPoint presentation.

I'm gonna be your fake boss for the night. Name tags, door prizes, decorations. And I hired a bunch of comedians to come entertain you for the company that I made up called Mini Ha Ha Credit Solutions, and we're throwing a Christmas party for all of y'all. So come on out, it's gonna be a treat. You can talk to me about taking a loan out,

it's not all parties, it's a business deal. No, your loan out company for his show business stuff. Can't get a LLC, dude, you gotta limit your liability for your corporation. No, I like liability. I want it, it makes me feel closer to the employees. for his show business stuff. You gotta get a LLC dude, you gotta limit your liability for your corporation. Oh no, I like liability. I want it, it makes me feel closer to the employees. Hold real high.

So come on out to that December 22nd. And I think that's it, sign up for the Patreon. We have 640 posts I think. It's popping over there. It's getting better too. How many of them are whole again? Like six of them are whole, right? Yeah, a solid six whole.

Yeah. I don't get it. We have six whole, nine ball. Yeah, we're posting whole on the Patreon. There we go, okay, I get it now. Yeah, a lot of whole. I put up whole sometimes without asking you guys, is that okay? Yeah, of course.

Yes. We're doing a whole for this episode, who do you think won? We've got over this, you don't need to run it past me every time you wanna post your hole on the gram. Who's a big, a big, whose hole is this? I've said multiple text messages, Sean. You're like, which filter looks better?

Stop doing that, dude. Butthole or pursed lips, that's a game I've been playing on the Patreon. We used to do the butthole, but he shaned it because he could make his lips go like that and look like a butthole. We'd laugh and we'd laugh laugh Anyway, that's all I got Yeah, just dude student now we'd laugh during 40s watch swingers, you know, yeah

That sounds like your weekend with Artie You're his dad you got to put him on to these movies. Oh, I can't wait, man. I gotta hold. How old till he gets to see Anchorman? What's that, four? So we're in a period now where like. He ain't gonna get it. We can watch stuff around him.

Well, certainly not now, he's a week old. But like, we can watch stuff around him for the next couple months, and then you don't wanna watch anything around him until he's like two. We're gonna try to limit screen time as much as possible. Okay. Until he's like two. Apparently is what try to limit screen time as much as possible. Until he's like two,

apparently is what you're supposed to do. We'll see. We'll see how that goes. Don't put too much pressure on yourself, man. Do you, it's fine. And then, I think around two, we'll start like slow introducing musicals and animated movies.

Okay, Larry Zonk Eclipse. Larry Zonk Eclipse, dude. Just sort of like Traffy's fail videos. You gotta... A lot of Brian Bosworth highfights. Yeah. And Vogue videos, dude. Just like... Light.

Just watch a dude's front row at a burlesque club like... And Vogue. Artie, this is a cigarlesque club? Like in the pub. Artie, this is a cigar. Set a trajectory for him, man. Just trying to set a real solid trajectory. Arvita Sabonis, Soviet Union basketball highlights. Of course, of course. Just like the sort of core curriculum. Yeah, the Tony Koo coach, the old stuff.

Koo coach, Drozin, you know. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. We need important cinema, you know? Maltese Falcon, Falcon. Fifth birthday, I'll probably show him that moose running through the snow video. That's good.

Just to let him know that, you know, there are much bigger things at work. Yeah, we should get him thinking about how big the universe is pretty quick. So, you know, so he gets it. I feel like his, their brains are so powerful, they could figure it out right now. I think around the age of like three, we stop being so he gets it. I feel like his, their brains are so powerful they could figure it out right now. I think around the age of like three

we stop being able to comprehend that. We know what's crazy right now is he remembers being born. He can't tell you, but he remembers like the whole process of coming out. There's just no way. Who told you that? A scientist, dude. Who is to say?

I, once a month I meet up with a scientist. I have a pen crowd in drive. He's a scientist Yeah, he lives in he lives in Sweden David Bore is here cool guy jokes 87 on Instagram bong I'm done for the year. I think I you know By my special Birth of a Nation, patreon.com backslash David Bori. Listen to the album, it's different jokes on all streaming platforms.

Birth of a Nation on your Spotify, Birth of a Nation on your Tidal, on your Apple Musics. Yeah. Also you're in Seattle tonight and in Portland on Sunday. Oh, and I'm in Seattle tonight and on Portland on Sunday. The end of the Start the Steal Tour. And me and Sean, it might be, if you're in Portland, me and Sean might be popping up on some shows this weekend.

We might be popping up on Friday night. Who knows? Do some sleuthing. Who knows? We'll show up on Friday night. Who knows? I don't know if Sean's hung up. We'll figure it out.

I'll figure it out. We'll be at Al's Den, David and I. Al's Den, Friday night. Come make it a fun love. I'll figure it out. I'll figure it out. We'll be at Al's Den, David and I. Al's Den, Friday night. Come make it a fun one. It gets a little rambunctious down there, so it'd be fun. I love Al's Den, dude. That show's fun.

I do too. It's like a comedy club. I won't be eating a bag of dicks there. You ate a bag of dicks there? Oh, they have tons of different food. A few times. They got fries. You got tots, dude.

They're like, man, I'm gonna take a bag of Tater Tots next time. Or at least Cajun dicks. Yeah, Cajun dicks. Is Portland the Tater, sorry this is derailing, is Portland the Tater Tot capital of the country? Not derailing, that's an excellent question, something we love talking about. They were invented in Oregon. Really? Tater Tots were invented.

They had to have been invented in Idaho. Fuck Idaho! Or IDA! Or or again IDA. Oregon comes first my friend. Wow. Is that where that comes from? Yes, Ontario, Oregon. Keep talking to me like that.

I will keep talking to me like that. I'm the father of a son. Do it the whole time. When did we, did, okay. Did I figure this out on this podcast that 20,000 leagues under the sea was not depth but rather distance? I think we talked about it on there.

Did one of you tell me that? Yeah, might've been me. I didn't know that. I thought it was depth. It was just now. It's distance. Yeah, crazy, right? They were under the sea and they traveled 20,000.

Cause 20,000 leagues down, you'd be like through the earth. That seems too deep. Yeah, you'd be in the moon. Yeah. Frickin' a. Probably Saturn's moon. Anyway. Scientists told me that too. I think you might be falling short of Saturn.

But who knows? What's the moon? UNGA? Is that like the name of Saturn's moon? UNGA? Like Cowabah? Unga? Sounds like it's a name of... Are you guessing the name of Saturn's moon? Unga? Just made one up. Like Cowabah? Cowabunga.

Unga and Bunga. Yeah, the moon... We let a seven-year-old name the moons. Copernicus' nephew got to name the moons of Saturn. Bunga and Bunga. Bunga, dude. Just an 11 year old Italian kid. He actually wanted to name them Bunga and Bunga, but Copernicus was like, get it together.

They gotta be different. They gotta be different, but. Can't be double Bunga. Can't double. I have the list of Saturn's moons here, and I'm trying to figure out which one's the closest to Bunga. Titan is the famous one. Yeah, I don't play like that. I don't do the famous ones.

Mimas, Enceladus, Tethys, Dione, Rhea, Titan, and Iapetus. So, no Bunga, no Bunga, dude. Not yet. My bad. Not yet. not you. What were we talking about? Arthur's Oh tater tots invented Corn dogs to in Oregon in Oregon Guys have done a lot of work for the carnival community. We're a big carny state Yeah, crazy cuz they weren't allowed to get married there till last year We're a big carny state. Yeah.

Which is crazy, because they weren't allowed to get married there until last year. That's right. We see. Yeah. Well, wait, created by disputed. Hold on. I thought that, I could've swore, oh wait,

newly arrived German immigrants in Texas. Oh, fuck off, no way. Yeah, okay, pronto pup of Rockaway Beach claims to have invented the corn dog in 1939. In New York? In Rockaway Beach, Oregon. There's a Rockaway Beach in Oregon? There's a Rockaway Beach in here? corn dog in 1939. In New York? In Rockaway Beach, Oregon. There's a Rockaway Beach in Oregon? There's a Rockaway Beach in here?

Yeah, in Oregon. In the year. In the year. I'm in it. When you're not a state until 1858, which it's either that or six for Oregon, you gotta come to stuff late. Right. So like tater tots, that's filling in on the margins.

Corn dogs, that's filling in on the margins. You're not gonna be able to invent the hamburger. You know? Yeah, we already got that. The ham and cheese, the hero, all that stuff started back east. All done, even the cheese steak. You gotta like dip something in something else, and that's your contribution.

I had a cheese steak last time I was in Philly that went ape shit. To merge onto a freeway, the first one of those was in South Dakota. I don't believe you. That can't be true. Because you just got freeways. Yeah. If I didn't giggle, would you have believed me?

No. No. I was trying to do a chain lie. Was that a good chain lie? No. No, you would have had to be like the first. Not a great chain lie. Mike Tyson poured the cement? No, you would have had to do be like the first. Not a great chain like it's in the second.

Mike Tyson poured the cement? No, you would have had to do something like the first. Isn't Reagan the guy who paved your roads? Like you guys didn't have off ramps? The first hospital. I'm joking about that. That was a Shane line. Reagan didn't pave your roads.

What are you talking about? What are you talking about? I South Dakota's less of a the first date and more of a the last date to The first date to the last state still. Before you started talking, you said I say. I think you guys were the last guys to put NLK Day through, right? Yeah, the last.

The last people and yes. Excuse me. Excuse me. The last state to add Q to LGBTQ. They didn't add it. They stopped at the plus. They were like, we don't do that. They stopped at L. They were like. I didn't add it. They stopped at the plus. They were like, we don't do that. They stopped at L.

They were like, I don't like math. Nothing Quarter proudly supports our L community. We got ladies, that's about it. They're talking about Legionnaires disease. My name is Ian Carmel, at Ian Carmel, across platform, except on YouTube, where it's IK Cooled You.

Follow me on YouTube, my special is coming out, I said it last time, January 28th, something like that? 31st, you said. That's what it is. So follow me on there. I think it's gonna be, I think it's really funny. I've watched it, it's awesome. I think you're gonna like it too.

Recorded live at Revolution Hall in Portland over two shows. Comfort beyond God's foresight on 800 pound gorilla records. I also just had a, huh, go on. Huh? Did you ever think about, did you ever think about calling a boy dad? That's my next specialist. Boy dad. Oh, it sounds so weird. I texted it to you. And I was like, God damn, that even looks weird. It sounds weird. It looks weird Is it a hashtag? I thought it was a boy mom And I'm sure it is. It's fully a boy mom.

I'm gonna be a sun pop. I'm a man dad I'm a sun pop dude. Made by sun chips. Made by sun chips. I'm gonna be a sunny D a sunny sunny dad You are gonna be a sunny dad. I can already tell yeah I have a don't tell set out now check check out my don't tell set where all the comments are commenting on how I look Older than 39. I know that Is that the bit? That's what the bit is! That's what the bit is! It's the amount of comments where people are like, bro, bro, hella older than 39 and you're

like, did you listen to it? Or did you just look? I have a big fucking brush mustache. Yeah. Yeah, man. I'm making my, I look older than 39. You look 30. But also, this is what 39 year olds look like.

I'm wearing a chambray shirt. What am I supposed to do? Anyway, go check that out people are digging it at least which is nice I think gone are the days when don't tell gets you a ton of followers though That's so corn to show whole yeah, well don't think about that. The sets doing well and people love it and it rules I don't give a fuck about follower can't anyway anymore. I got you two. I got a man following I got the family. Yeah, I don't yeah happy healthy

Hairy my son is hairy as hell. Does he I was gonna ask Do you have like baby hair like that light fur to your shoulder hair? But it's so dark cuz our hair is dark. So we got what I'm at. Yes looks like me with a shirt off man. He's got like awesome He's got the shoulder hair and everything. It's nice has like a little wife beater I know that's not the turn winner. What's the right turn a tall a tank a tank top a shirt Yeah, a gold chain. I know that's not the right term. What's the right term these days? Not like I give a fuck. No, Max has like black hair going down her spine almost.

It's like, it's wild. She gets out of the bath and it's like, yeah, she looks like a grownup. It's goth, dude. She's goth. Yeah. We're gathered here, my son's name is Arthur. We are gathered here today not to talk about body hair, but to

fancy draft Arthur's and that includes arties, arts, and perhaps some other art names as well. Even with all that, not a deep pool, not a deep pool, a lot of old timey baseball players, a lot of old timey baseball players. Surprised how many people were athletes. Lots of piano adjacent individuals. Yeah, some royalty. Yeah.

There are two that I found that are cuts. I'm pretty excited about one of them. One of them you guys are gonna get. You cut Arthur's? I have one very deep cut, yeah, that will be good. We're gonna get to that via fantasy draft. I'm sorry, my brain is so warped. Keep going good.

Yeah. Yeah. You're great, man. We determine the order of this Arthur draft, for God's sake, with a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors played between the three of us when we throw and shoot. Here we go.

Wait, what? What are you playing? All right, get in here. Get in here. Oh yeah, I'm playing too. Okay, here we go. Fuck it. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Oh, David wins I'm playing too. Okay. Here we go. Oh. Fuck it. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Oh, David wins.

Oh, no. A paper against two scissors. Sean, you would have won if I didn't get involved. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, but I like it. I got you, David. I like it when we're all, you know, the more the merrier.

As the winner, it is incumbent upon you to determine the order of today's draft. Before you do that, I will remind you it is a serpentine draft. And what is that? That's a great question. It's like the aliens in Galaga, let's keep it pushing. All right, here we go, we're moving. Basically, if it's third in the first round, it's first in the second round.

Now David, with that in mind, what would the order of today's draft be? David, Sean, Ian. Hot corner. The order of the draft is David, Sean, Ian, and David is going to make the first pick in the Arthur's Draft right after this short break. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

Now it is the holiday season, it is the cozy season, cozy months, how do you stay cozy during the winter? Some of you, you might wrap a blank, get some nice hot cocoa, put both hands on it like a credit card commercial, if that makes any sense. I do that, I make a little couch island. I put our ottoman, Elsa butts up perfectly with our couch and I sit there in a huge comforter

and I just chill out on the couch and I watch rom-coms and I love it. And therapy is a great way to bring yourself some different kind of comfort. See that? Your boy's got segues. Even with the season changes, you always need someone to talk to.

Like a lot of people have a tough time with the gloomy weather. I do not, but if you do, talk to someone. And around this time of the year, sometimes you catch certain kinds of feelings. And you know, for better or worse, they're amplified around this time of year. And talking to somebody is a great thing to do just to even if it's just event honestly if you just

want to go to therapy just to have another set of ears that's a fine reason to do it they can also help you out with so many other things how to put yourself first you know you can't can't really do anything cool for anyone else unless you're in a good mood, you know what I mean? That's how I put it in my limited vernacular, but it's true, you gotta do you before you can do anybody else. So go talk to someone, have them help you learn how to set boundaries, be the best version of yourself.

You can learn how to try to help other people address trauma that might be lying dormant, all that stuff. It's a fantastic idea, and if you're thinking about starting, go on and get BetterHelp a try. We're screaming about it for a reason, because it's online, it's convenient, it's flexible. They've suited to your schedule,

just like someone making cobbling shoes for you. They fit it to your schedule, and you just gotta fill out a brief questionnaire, you can match with a licensed therapist, switch at any time for no additional charge, get on it, find comfort this December with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash hall fantasy today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash all fantasy.

This episode of All Fantasy, everything is brought to you by Babbel. You ever thought about getting yourself a gift for the holidays? Of course you have. If you haven't, love yourself, you know, but why not get yourself something that's going to help you out too? Like if you need a new pair of socks, just go buy them. Doesn't need to be the holidays for that. Why not get you something that's gonna help you grow,

it's gonna help you learn, become a better you? Give yourself the gift of a language by getting Babbel. Get on it. Everybody speaks another language. We're the only country that doesn't just automatically speak like 15 when we come out. So just give it a shot. Everybody wants to learn a new language. We're the only country that doesn't just automatically speak like 15 when we come out. So just give it a shot. Everybody wants to learn a new language.

If you don't, I don't know what to tell you. You should, because why would you not want to do that? You can speak like a whole new person with Babbel. It's a language learning app that gets you talking. It's realistic. They have quick little 10 minute lessons, which help free your boy tremendously. I have trouble staying focused for a lot of things, you know,

notoriously reading, but also just like just listening and paying attention is tough. So those tiny little 10 minute lessons handcrafted by over 200 language experts, which yes, there are language experts, uh, and they, they get you talking a new language in as little as three weeks. And because it's, you know, talking is the key to really knowing a language, Babel's designed for real conversation. So like, if you got dropped in the middle of a country,

what are you gonna wanna know? You're gonna wanna know where the bathrooms are, how to get to your hotel. You know, those are the two things that come to mind for me. I just, I land, I go potty, and then I go to the hotel. But it's such an easy, practical thing to do. You don't need to waste hundreds of dollars

on private tutors, people coming to the crib, all that stuff. You can do this at your convenience. You can do it when you want. They give you all the tips and tools to handle it yourself. They're inspired by real life situations. And if you want more proof, the battle's gonna get you talking.

Studies from Yale, Michigan State, uh oh, the Queen's alma mater, all the other leading universities, they continue to prove that Babel works. One study even found that using Babel for 15 hours is equivalent to a full semester at college. Come on, that's easier than college for sure. So give it a shot. Here is a special holiday deal for our listeners.

Right now you get up to 60% off your babble subscription But only for our listeners at babble comm slash all fantasy again get up to 60% off at babble comm slash all fantasy spelled babbel.com slash all fantasy rules and restrictions may apply And we're back welcome back to all fancy everything already in progress We are drafting Arthur's David Bori has the first pick All right first pick first round talent had to get him off the board. I am taking Arthur Reuven Carmel. No Come on

My I'm not gonna take your son. I thought it was your name, buddy. My chest tightened up a little bit. I was like, we can't do him like that. We can't do him. I really, I was like, oh no, I gotta let them hash it out. On the one hand, man, like, I think if Bronnie went with the first pick in the NBA draft, LeBron would be happy. He's got the parents to set it up if he wants it.

You can have him. No, that's crazy. You want to take him for a couple hours today? No, I actually got some shit to do. Man, I'd love to help in any other way. I can't actually come over. I'm going to go see Wicked again. Would $50 help?

No, man, I'm going to need you in person. No, I'd like you to be here I'll pay you no first one. I'm going to fictional and taking Arthur Fonzarelli. Oh Man the Fonz come on, baby Hey friend to all the Fonz Notoriously jumped the shark and television history was born Literally jumped a shark on the motor. Literally jumped a shark on a motorcycle.

Literally jumped a shark on a motorcycle. I didn't know that until, I had five, six years ago or something, but he jumps a shark on water skis, right? And that's where Jump the Shark comes from. Where a leather jacket and short shorts. First dude to ever water ski in a leather jacket. Do you think anyone's water skiing in a leather, yes.

What a dumb question. Now I think I bet. You think Parks Bonifay hasn't done that? Parks Bonifay has done that. Who the fuck is Parks Bonifay? He's a wakeboarder. Only pro wakeboarder I can think. Oh no, his brother too, his brother's a-

And Shane Bonifay. Yeah, they're both the Bonifays. Do you think anyone has ever water skied in a leather duster? I hope so. That's a good call. Do you know that guy, the banana man, who would water-ski without skis? No, is he just barefoot in it?

Yeah. Wow. I think there's a pretty common thing. People can do that. Yeah. Yeah. People can do that. Well anyways.

I... Well anyways. Fonzie, come on. Also, who's the banana man? Wait, what are you talking about? He was this old man who, I don't really know. Hold on. Reddit, do your thing. You're just typing in the banana man real quick. Careful. Okay, George A. Blair.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, you're right. You're right. My bad. Banana George. His name was Arthur. Yeah, say hi to the banana man. Isn't that fun to think about? Yeah.

If his name was Arthur, I'd be like, oh, I'm gonna go with the banana man. I'm gonna go with the banana man. I'm gonna go with the banana man. I'm gonna go with the banana man. I'm gonna go with the banana man. I'm gonna go with the banana man. I right. You're right, my bad. Banana George. His name was Arthur. Yeah, say hi to the banana man. Isn't that fun to think about? Yeah.

If his name was Arthur? If his name was Arthur and we just, how did they, are you familiar with that episode of Happy Days? How did they get there? I don't really know how that went down. How did they end up on a lake and water skiing? It just doesn't make any sense. You know how they used to just do like 30 episodes?

Yeah, man. Of live shows. I saw him in Times Square once, which was like the most New York moment. Hank Winkler? Yeah, and he was like smiling and I was like, this city's alive. And then now I'm like, what the fuck was I in Times Square? Why the fuck was he in Times Square? You were probably both taking meetings at Viacom.

Yeah, I think it was after a Viacom meeting actually. He's supposed to be the nicest dude in Hollywood. That's what they say, yeah, I've heard that. Also very huge for Jews such as Arthur Rubin Carmel that the coolest guy on earth was briefly a Jewish dude in a leather jacket. Thank you, Henry Winkler. He did it. I didn't know he was Jewish. Fonzarelli, traditional Jewish dude in a leather jacket. Thank you, Henry Winkler. He did it.

I didn't know he was Jewish. Fonzarelli, traditional Jewish name, right? Yeah, yeah, Fonzarelli, yeah. It's shortened from Fonzarelli-wich. Fonzarelli-wich. Fonzarelli-wich. Fonzarelli-wich. Fonz-Fonz-el-stein?

I need a Fonzarelli-wich. If you went to a Deli, they have the Fonzarelli-wich. I need a whitefish, some K-bears. It's whitefish, mortadell, mozzarella, mozzarella, mozzarella, mozzarella, on a bi-ali. John Jordan. I was trying to make dinner. I was cooking the rice and I was like, yeah, I'll just put some meatballs in there. And before she leaves, she's like, go ahead and leave the meatballs out.

Of the rice? You were going to put meatballs in the rice? She goes goes leave them out for me, and I'm like well I could just and then I'm like alright At what stage oh I don't even get there it just in my mind. I was bouncing on the handlebar. She was leaving and I'm like I'm gonna make dinner I'm gonna you know I like the idea of plopping them into the rice steamer stage one Do you just water dry rice and meatballs to see what happens seems like a blast to me. Yeah Sean time for your first pick the Fonz is off the board

Fonz off the board. I'm gonna go the fictional route. I'm gonna go art van de Lee damn Yeah, double fictional. Yeah double. Yeah. Yeah, I can get him late. I Keep you probably could have I just want I that came to late. You probably, we could've, I just want, that came to me a little bit later in the night, and I was like, oh man, aught, vandalite. Just such a fun, such a fun art. He's an architect, right? Such a fun Arthur.

He's an architect, right? Yeah. The architect? When George is trying to get, I guess if you don't know, she doesn't know anything about Seinfeld, it's crazy. Why are you whispering. But when George, you're right there. When is that she, listener?

I'm talking to the royal she, I'm talking to the woman I would die for out there. Not a Seinfeld. This bitch doesn't even know about Seinfeld, are you kidding me? Why are you whispering? Because I don't want to get divorced, David. Yeah, it's George's fictional boss, right?

His fictional... It's him. He's Art Vandelay. Because then he starts Vandelay Industries. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's vandalizing industries. Yeah, yeah. To get that. Yeah, he's hard being to lie. Have you ever done anything even close to that? Like faked a name even for a minute?

Like made up? Yeah, I was thinking about it. Just like, I mean those scenarios as I've told her. My name is so weird, I always felt like I had to really ride for it, cause no one else would. Yeah. So I put Bori on everything. Like sour cream.

You know you can kind of use, oh no, it's Greek yogurt. You can use Greek yogurt and you can use sour cream in sweet stuff. Oh yeah. My nephews put yogurt. My mom used to have this jello sour cream thing. I never could do it because the word sour. Yeah never put it on their tacos. They put it on their tacos. The word sour. Yeah, they'll make tacos and they'll put sour,

or yogurt on their tacos, and I'm like, what in the world? It's all the same shit though. But it's the same. Yeah. It's just, it's just society, dude. The word sour, bro, I don't really, I don't really live like that,

but I hear what you're saying, but I don't really do that. I don't do the society thing. But when I do have to go to the store and buy products, it does say sour on there. Why does it say sour? You know? I don't get it.

Did we talk about this on this podcast before where the whole sour cream is like the biggest flex in the history of food? Like they've, a product that they believed in so much that they named it sour cream and it was still successful. Like it sounds like a reason you would throw out. That's why they did it? No, they didn't.

It's like a fat guy named Tiny. It's that idea, but they didn't do it on purpose. I think it just started probably like in Amish farms where they were like, soured cream, English. But, and then like, people liked it so much that people buy it, even though it's like, it's like if you sold like spoiled meat, but people were like, I mean, I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it.

I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it.

I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it.

I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. Ham was like, I know we just talked about this, but I thought it was like super, super shitty, almost uneatable ham or whatever. I thought it was like the bottom of the barrel can barely eat it still, ham.

Oh, you thought it was old ham? Yeah, well I just thought it was like, yeah. You thought it stood for spoiled ham? Spam. I didn't really, but I think maybe somewhere in there, let's crack it open a little bit. I think maybe I thought that. Okay. I think maybe I thought that. I think maybe I thought that.

And now I shattered it. It's cracked open. Let's crack it open a little bit, I got something. I got something on it. I need some help. Thanks for your help. I like who I am. I did think that.

Thanks for your help. I like my body, and I like it when I'm naked in the daylight. Shhh. A little sunshine. Let's get some sunshine on the perennium I got myself naked in the in the bedroom the other day I was like wait With the curtains open a lot of hair like sneak it up on me, you know to me It's just a hair person who's naked a lot Yeah, no, I'm casual a bit of a I'm a little bit of a I'm a little bit of a I'm a little bit of a

I'm a little bit of a I'm a little bit of a I'm a little bit of a I'm a little bit of a I'm a little bit of a I'm a little bit of a I'm a little bit of a I'm a little bit of a

I'm a little bit of a I'm a little bit of a actually in symphony by the way at the schnitz it was oh that was a good time dude but anyway we get home and like I just rip off my date clothes immediately and put on mesh shorts and then I just go straight to like unattractive real over so date over immediately I don't I don't take a bath in it really I you know it's one weird thing when we go out on dates when we come home I like to stay with the clothes on a little bit. Yeah. You gotta get fancy, stay fancy. I'm trying to be better about it,

because it is ridiculous to come home and just go to the bedroom and come back out like a shitty gym Superman or something where I just, I've got shorts and a hoodie, I'm like, ah, it was a fun date, huh? Let's watch, let's watch, silo. I'll go sit on the couch and cross my legs in my in my nice pants I have to move I like after a date

With a beverage Dana on what you just saw Here's what I think about it China's been up for four hours, so we need ABC China's been up for four hours, so we need to. All right. All right. ABC. Art Van Delay. It's great, because it's a fictional author in a fictional universe. It's not even a real author. Double fake.

Yeah. Boy, I got to go to. I hope that wasn't too deep. No, just deep enough. I got some good authors on the list. I'm going with, none of these are his namesake, but a lot of these we like as fun little coincidences that he's also an author.

Now, my wife has a podcast called Noble Blood, where they talk about, you know, like nobility throughout history. She's a big fan of the British monarchy. And though he was never a real person, the story of British monarchy starts with King Arthur. And I'm taking Sword in the Stone, pulling Round Table Haven, Lancelot Noan, Guinevere Smoochin, King Arthur.

Pendragon, was that supposed to be his surname? Arthur Pendragon. Nice. Trails in the Sand by Peter Dragon is what you're thinking of. That's right. I didn't know King Arthur was Pendragon? Was that supposed to be his surname? Arthur Pendragon. Nice. Trails in the Sand by Peter Dragon is what you're thinking. I didn't know King Arthur was the round table. You get him, dude. Merlin, King Arthur, all that. Yeah, it's a great Arthur.

Yeah. That's the one. Were you a sword in the stone kid? I love Sword in the Stone. Me too. I pulled the sword. I pulled it out. Yeah. I pulled it out. Yeah.

I pulled it out at Medieval Times a couple months ago. Oh, they kick you out of there, at least. Yeah, I'm going to jail. Did Ian freeze for you guys? No, he's frozen. Oh, is he frozen? Oh, there he goes. He's back. I'm back Oh, I love that one That was okay. There we go. I'm back. You're like this to me That was tight no, yeah king arthur, man

I didn't know he wasn't real at all until last night like it's all Is it based on a real person? How'd you figure that out last night? I just look it up arthur's, I thought it was, I thought he was a real Arthur is what I'm saying. So like, David Mitchell from Mitchell and Webb, like this British comedy duo just recently wrote a book called Unruly, which is about like the kings and queens of England, which is great,

cause he's like funny, but he also knows his shit. And Arthur, like I was reading about Arthur in there, and it's like there was a king after Rome left England, because there must have just been someone in charge, which is when they say King Arthur was the king. But there's no proof that there was a dude named King Arthur, but it's like a foundational myth for their country, that there was this like good and pure, brave noble king

and that's like where they derive a lot of their identity from. Was there a Camelot though? No, there was no Camelot, there was none of that stuff. It was all fake. So the only real Camelot was the Kennedys? The Kennedys. Okay.

Spreaded it around. Yeah, still doing the Kennedys? The Kennedys. Okay. Spreaded it around. Yeah, still doing the Lord's work, those Kennedys. Yeah, man, so am I to believe that that was right after the Roman Empire fell? Because they seem so. I think that's what they say, yeah. Because the Romans were in England. Right.

The town Bath in southern England is named after like the Roman bath that's there. Tell me, tell me more about this town Bath, is it still around? Did they allow adults? It's still around. They had bath. Do they allow adults?

I thought it was a person. I thought it was for high school, high school teenagers. Now as an adult, can I get an apartment in Bath? Do you think? Yeah, you can get an apartment and bath? Do you think? Yeah, you can get an apartment and bath, dude. You can take a bath and bath. You wanna talk about Art Vandelelle? That's some real life shit right there.

Take a bath and bath? You can take a bath on an apartment and bath if you get screwed over. Whoa. Yeah, take a bath on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I took a bath on it. Yeah, I think of Robin Hood and stuff when I think of King Arthur,

I think of that like dark candle lit. They say JFK's back was so bad that he couldn't really fuck the way everyone was talking about him fucking. Because he had such a bad back. All from the war? And they also say that about the healthcare assassin, the health insurance assassin.

Like his back was so fucked up, he couldn't really fuck. JFK did it, is what you're saying. We're saying that JFK, Junior, killed the health insurance. Luigi Mangione, yeah. Thank you, Isaac. That Luigi Mangione guy, oh you said it too. His lower back was so fucked up that he couldn't get it in either. That Luigi Mangione guy. Oh, you said it too. His lower back was so fucked up that he couldn't get it in either.

He couldn't be intimate. I don't really have anything for that anecdote. Everybody weigh in. Everybody weigh in. I don't know. I don't know really. All right, if you're the government, stop listening for a second.

That story is the only other thing I've been paying attention to other than my son. Because you kind of have to focus. You have to like pick a thing and I'm like, all right, I'll find out more about this assassin. Yeah, I know you text us, you're like, you guys been following this? I'm like, as loosely as I can.

I'm trying to stay out of most of it right now. Yeah. King Arthur is my pick. There's also a great flower company, King Arthur, premium flower. I'm gonna leave that. I'm gonna leave that. I'm gonna leave that. I'm gonna leave that. I'm gonna leave that. I'm gonna leave that. I'm gonna leave that. I'm gonna leave that. I'm gonna leave that. I'm gonna leave that.

I'm gonna leave that. I'm gonna leave that. I'm gonna leave that. I'm gonna leave that. I'm gonna leave that. I'm gonna leave that. I'm gonna leave that. I'm gonna leave that.

I'm gonna leave that. I'm gonna leave that. I'm gonna leave that. I'm gonna leave that. I'm gonna leave that. I'm gonna leave that. I'm gonna leave that. I'm gonna leave that.

I'm gonna leave that. I'm gonna leave that. I'm gonna leave that. I'm gonna leave that. I'm gonna leave that. I'm gonna leave that. I'm gonna leave that. I'm gonna leave that. I'm gonna leave that. and that was the end of my knowledge he wrote them yeah then you get around any other yeah the lost world which is about like yeah can I take a guess at when Sherlock Holmes got wrote, written? Okay, yeah. Scribe? Scribe when he was penned? No, when he got wrote. When he get wrote.

1860. Oh no. Am I insane? He was born 1859. And you think that changes things? You did not write it one year old. Have a little faith in your son, but. Well, I'm closer than I thought, so 18, I don't know, 90?

1887 was the first Sherlock Holmes book for a study in Scarlet. There were four novels, 56 short stories about Holmes and Watson. They're great. If you haven't read a Sherlock Holmes book before, they're actually really fun. They feel a little bit more modern than maybe They're great. If you haven't read a Sherlock Holmes book before, they're actually really fun. They feel a little bit more modern

than maybe you're thinking. Are they hard to follow with the dialogue? I assume it's different. Like 1860s dialogue might be a little different than my current. Not that different, man. It's pretty easy to follow, I think. I would be shocked to shit if you read any of these books,

but I appreciate you asking those questions. Yeah, I'm just putting gas on the fire, baby. I'm not gonna read them, fuck no. Yeah. Not even a chance. He might have been to bath before. Does that interest you at all? Yeah. It helps, it helps.

That's always gonna help. Arthur Conan Doyle was a rad dude. He was like a sportsman. He was an amateur boxer. I think he played like soccer and rugby and all that stuff. And then, oh, he was the billiards champion? How about that, dude? And then he got into rioting.

He was just a real, real man about town. And I'm sure he had some pretty insane opinions about things because he was alive in the late 1800s in England. And I haven't dug into that yet. I like a Doyle in the mix, you know? I don't mind that. And I believe it's actually pronounced Arthur Conan Doyle.

It's Arthur Conan the Doyle, Barian. I have to say this, he was apparently pro-vaccine. All right, hell yeah. I think he was a pretty, he was like a pretty logical dude, except he once got taken, I remember this because Dana did a noble, I think a noble a pretty, he was like a pretty logical dude, except he once got taken, I remember this because Dana did a noble, I think a noble blood about it. There were the, no, it couldn't have been a noble blood. Anyway, Dana told me about this.

There were these people who like faked these photos of fairies in England in like the early 1900s. These like girls who somehow staged these photos of fairies and they like swept the country because people like wanted to believe in fairies and they got Arthur Conan Doyle who invented Sherlock Holmes, this great logician. They got him to bite on it and it was, you know.

And that's it. Oh, like he believed it. I don't know what else to say. He believed it. He believed in these fairies even though they were like very fake. I got ya. I was, in my head I'm like, what are the vaccines?

Cause Isaac said he was a pro-vaxxer in an anti-vaxx area. What were the vaccines? I mean, it sounds so stupid, but did they have all the modern vaccines in 1890 or whatever? I don't know what they had back then, not polio yet. Or was the vaccine just like, don't go outside? It was don't go, they had a wolf vaccine, which was a stick.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. You carry this stick, a wolf for the tag, you, yeah. Jam this in your throat if a wolf gets on ya. Sean Jordan, it's time for your second Arthur. Oh no, I thought, oh man, I'm all thrown off by the three people. I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go fictional again. I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go Arthur Slugworth from Willy Wonka. Mr. Slugworth.

His first name's Arthur. Which one is that? He's the villain. He's the rival candy guy who's trying to get him to eat the ever, trying to get the recipe for the everlasting Gobstopper. Healtrainer, all right. Yeah, man, I like to shake it up a little bit.

He used to scare the bejesus out of me when I was a kid. He, not that scary, it turns out, as an adult. He's just more devious. And then when you realize he's a sweetheart in the end, just trying to help, trying to make sure Charlie was pure of heart as it were. He was a Gunter Meisner is the name of the actor. Rough.

And born in 1926. He portrayed Adolf Hitler several different times. I know that. I'm always looking for a way to sneak it in. Didn't I do this at your birthday? Oh my god. Remember your birthday when we were saying German names? Remember that?

Name five German names? Remember that? Name five German names? Do you remember that? And I was just like, I don't know, eight all, immediately. Yeah, I'm a muscle. It's less common now. He's kind of seen Mr. Face, man. He was, he, so he was born in Bremen. He briefly worked at a steel factory

before training as a radio operator with the Luftwaffe, but then he also spent time in a Nazi death camp during the war. It doesn't say what his role at the death camp was. Yeah, I was gonna say, you know. War. I hope not as guard, I'm not really sure. It doesn't say. Jesus.

Probably not, probably not. Sorry about that. But you're not taking him. You're taking the fictional character Arthur Slugworth. I'm picking Slugworth. It just, like the cut of Slugworth's JIV until now. I didn't know what the man behind Slugworth was about. I don't know if I love that.

A rival chocolatier. A rival chocolatier, I'm always looking for those. My mom, for a while there, Willy Wonka was my favorite movie. Still up there, but when I was there Willy Wonka is my favorite movie still up there But like when I was a kid, it was like my favorite favorite and she got me Willy Wonka, but in Spanish accidentally She was like ordering way before Amazon and stuff, but it came in Spanish and I kept it No, not Italian

No, not Italian. But what was his name? Yeah. I don't even remember how the movie, I watched it and it was hilarious to me to watch a movie in Spanish that I knew pretty much all the words to. Because I could see how that would help you. Carlos? Was it like Carlos y la, how do you say factor, factoria? Fabrica? Carlos y la, how do you say factor, factoria?

Fabrica? Carlos y la Fabrica Chocolate. Wait, is Carlos William in Spanish? Oh, baby stuff. Oh! Look at this guy. Should we timestamp it to cut? He's being a fuss. No, he can be on the podcast.

Okay, look at how beautiful. What are you talking about, he's being a fuss. No, he can be on the podcast. Okay. Look at how beautiful to get used to that What are you talking about? He's being a fuss. Well, according to his mommy is so much Seem like it. It's full. It's a full head. Look at that hair You know, that's gonna hit with Isaac too We all got hair, Isaac. Yeah, that hair is not that kind of hair. No, it's a grip of hair. He's got a big thick head of hair.

Also, Sean, it's Un mundo de fantasia. Un mundo de fantasia. He really looks like the two of you mixed together. That's amazing. I don't have that gift, man. I can't see it. David, you see it. He really looks like the two of you mixed together. That's amazing. Yeah, it's crazy. I don't have that gift, man. I can't see it. David, you see it?

Yeah. Oh, look at the nose. You don't see it at all? Not even a little bit. I never do. What? Who do you think he looks like? I never see it.

A baby, they all, I mean, they don't all look the same to me by any means, but I never see exactly like Ian's. His head shape is Colin Farrell. He bears the same striking resemblance to Colin Farrell. Was that a noise? Yeah. What are you saying? Okay, he's quiet now.

Carlos y la Fabrica. What is it in the world of fantasy? Oh yeah. Un mundo de fantasia. Yeah. Un mundo de fantasia. Fantasia. And then, let's see here, the-

Wait, are you doing two? No, now it's David's turn. Oh wait. It's my turn. Yeah. What number am I? Am I the middle? You're in the middle, dude. Sorry. Okay, I screwed it up. Sorry.

Alright. Every day when you're walking down the street, everybody that you meet has an original point of view. And I say, hey, what a wonderful kind of day, so we can work and play. And get along with... I'm taking Arthur read from the books and the television series Arthur Yeah, just a great children's book protagonist man Really solid they covered a lot of ground, you know, they talk about all kinds of stuff He had his buddy Arthur Baxter. He or Buster Baxter the bunny Francine was really good at sports great books. Sean. Are you too old for Arthur? You might be a little old for Arthur

David I know I look tough, but when you cut me I bleed and that cut my Are you not that's a fair question? I'm a little now we had Arthur We had Arthur when I was in kid it might have been he might have been on his way out But he was around I didn't know he had a last name. I didn't know it was Arthur the aardvark. I He was around. I didn't know he had a last name. I didn't know it was Arthur the Aardvark. I didn't, I really, I didn't know his last name is Reed. I had no idea until last night. Yeah.

Mr. Ratburn was his teacher. Used to love those books. 1996 it started, Arthur. The uh. Sean, you were Reed Arthur, you were 17. That was the TV show. that was the TV show. I was, I was, I was 40, I had already had sex, I'll tell you that. Did they cover that in Arthur? Is that a...

Yeah, it's actually... The vest comes off? Did that happen? No, I wore a vest. The book started in... Oh, the book started in 1976, but with a much different looking Arthur. Really? Yeah. When did the fist come out?

Cause that seems to be the legacy. The fist is iconic. What happens in the fist episode? Is he thinking about beating somebody's ass? I don't even know. I just, I feel like I only see it like online. For everybody listening, he ends looking this up while he's holding his newborn son.

Yeah. As a host, as a host right there. It's a host. And he's doing a little bit of flossing. Did you hear him, man? Yeah, did he start freestyling yet? Yeah, he freestyles. Nice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you got him that freestyle fellowship, right? He's in freestyle fellowship, because he's here in LA. He's going to Scribble Jam next month. It's his first airplane ride. Also because he can't write. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's sort of the god MC. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's tight. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. It's gonna be bad. No one's gonna wanna listen to it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's gonna be bad. No one's gonna wanna listen to it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. My turn again? Yeah, your turn again. Yeah. I gotta go to the world of tennis. I gotta take Arthur Ashe.

The god. Uh-huh. Come on. Uh-huh. Yeah. Hot guy. Hot guy. Hot guy.

Good, great style. Yeah, real cool. Real cool. Are tennis players like the coolest, I guess some basketball. Real cool. Are tennis players like the coolest, I guess some basketball players, but like are tennis players like the coolest dressing dudes? I think that, I don't think so for all eras.

I think you're right. It might just be Arthur Ashe, actually, that I'm thinking of. I think- I will say, We both stop. I was gonna say tennis is- Seems of. I will say. We both stop. I was gonna say tennis is. Seems like you won't say.

It's close enough to where they can wear exactly what they might be wearing all day and still play tennis in it. It's the sport where you get to do that the easiest. Right, they're wearing polo shirts. Yeah. And they're all svelte. That's just looking cool.

And tennis gear is pretty cool. I like it. And five grand slams, you know what I mean? Met an unfortunate end. I'm trying to find the first spot. If you ever see that video of that ball boy, I think it's a better match where the dude, that's like 12 year old or whatever,

is running to get a ball and he just smashes his head into the wall. Have you seen that? And then he stands up like nothing happened and he looks back and the kid's just normal. That's all, that really caught me right there. I was giggling about it. Arthur actually had a heart attack at the age of,

what was it, 36, man, that's crazy. Yeah, but then he died at age of 30. It's too sexy, they had to slow him down a little bit. Yeah, he passed away from AIDS-related pneumonia, right? Yeah, but I think he got it, he got it through a blood transfusion or something. That is not real. No.

The point is he was a goddamn winner. That's harsh. And I want that for yourself. It's a goddamn winner. It's crazy, I was always kind of a big advocate of being like, well, if he wants to play football, he'll play football. But then, cause like, I'm like, there's no way, dude. We're getting you in tennis lessons early.

La Crosse at the gnarliest. That's the gnarliest you can do. But I'm afraid he'll have my body type. And then his options will be pretty limited as far as sports go. Power lifting. Power lifting. You're gonna have to be like one of those basketball players be pretty limited as far as sports go. Powerlifting. Powerlifting. Squad press.

You're gonna have to be like one of those basketball players who's just thick. Yeah, that's coming up now. There's a lot of them. Yeah. Yeah, every year there's like another dude who's just built like Escalade. Yeah, probably Mark Jackson's brother. Mark Jackson's brother Escalade. Yeah, crazy.

Then there's like Kenneth Lofton Jr. It's a big dude. What if you got him into golf, you know? Fuzzy Zeller was a big dude. John Daly. John Daly, all right, you're gonna golf, bro. Your mother was a varsity golfer. We're thinking volleyball for Max.

That's Laura's sport. Oh, that's a good one. Nice. Yeah, I'm excited about it. Or football. I'm gonna petition that's a good one. Nice. Yeah, I'm excited about it. Or football, dude. I'm gonna petition, I'm gonna petition that they let them wear longer shorts. You can be a full,

you can be a full AAU style dad, right? Yeah. Isn't volleyball like tournament based, like that she could be on like a good, talk to Saki, talk to Blair. She played volleyball at UCLA. That's right, she did. D1.

I will be, I cannot wait until she can start doing things that I can get in the stands at. I'm just gonna be sick. You're gonna be spending like, dude, you're gonna be like, I can't record, I'm in Washugal all weekend at a volleyball tournament. Every board, yeah. Of course I'm in Washugal this weekend.

And I went a day early and I'm staying a day late to calm down. I'm on blood pressure medication now. It's the semis. We'll be recording episodes with episodes with sneaker screeches in the background. Yeah, dude. Fault!

I got an emergency trip to Wenatchee, the Apple capital of the world. I gotta go. I think we should draft things that the ref missed, even though he was standing right there. Yeah, maybe I go back into the booth I draft. Who's paying you, ref. How about that? Cuz by then we'll be a household name

Yeah, it's me Podcast about this You son of a bitch Who's I just talking to I was talking to somebody who said that their dad Who was I just talking to I was talking to somebody who said that their dad? Got kicked out of a game that they were Rob. Oh Rob. Hey said Dad got kicked out of the game. He wasn't really playing it. You weren't here. That's right Yeah, Rob was saying he was on the bench and he's like he's like my dad got kicked out He had to go sit in the car for the whole game

Your father's too engaged in your life at that point. I don't think he was engaged in his life particularly. I think he just loved the game. Might have a little money down, huh? This is tight. Yeah, big smile. This episode of All Fantasy, everything is brought to you by Mack Weldon. You know we love Mack Weldon.

We're Mack Weldon podcast. They're a fan, I'm wearing them right now. I'm wearing sweatpants right now. Do you ever feel like you know about something that not everybody knows about, but they should? That's honestly how I feel about this. The t-shirts, the underwear, oh my god, the underwear, forget about it.

But it's just like having a little secret weapon in your back pocket that no one knows about. That's seriously what Mack Weldon is like. Secret weapon, they're timeless, classic style, it's infused with performance fabrics, all these nice little hidden details. And it doesn't matter what you're looking for. Light as air underwear, they got it.

I'm right next to my underwear, I'm touching two pairs right now, on God. Anti-odor tees, they got sweaters, the light fit. You know, they're warm, but they fit, they don't feel heavy, it's just, it's crazy. I honestly don't know how they do it. They have a full range of clothes. I have so much, I have, I think I'm going on three of the AirKnit polos,

three pairs of the Ace sweatpants, four pairs of the Sunday lounge pants, three pairs of underwear that are all varying lengths for different activities. I'm telling you, I swear by it. I've got a Mack Weldon sweatshirt, you know the beige is in, beige wave. Your boy got a Mack Weldon beige sweatshirt.

I love it all. It's not crowded, there's not big designs everywhere, it's just real simple, but it looks good. It looks very nice, it's like casual, nice clothing. And that's exactly what I'm going for. I have a lot of people out there, you wanna look good without calling attention to yourself. And that's exactly what it does. It gives you understated good looks for understated

confidence. You know, it's not flashy. Classic. Always in style. Seriously, I can't say enough good stuff about it. They're designed to fit your style and just the demands of modern life. I can skate in it, it's all breathable, they look regular, you know what I mean? It's modern comfort. Seriously, and it's the holiday season, so get on it. You're not gonna find someone who doesn't dig it, I'm telling you, all of it is good.

Underwear, if I had to pick something, I'd say the A sweatpants and the underwear. Those are the two, the jewels and the crown, if you will. But go, get on it, seriously. For the holidays, nothing better. Get timeless looks with modern comfort from Mack Weldon. Go to MackWeldon.com and get 25% off your first order of $125 or more with promo code ALLFANTASY.

That's M-A-C-K-W-E-L-D-O-N.com, promo code ALLFANTASY. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this podcast. Yes, thank you Aura Frames. Jake, you have one of these. Of course I do. I have several actually. It's a digital picture frame that you give to loved ones, like your parents, and then you can upload photos

as they come in and they get to see those photos wherever they are in the world. It's simple, it's easy, and it brings joy. What's better? Nothing better than joy this holiday season. It's simple, it's easy, and it brings joy. What's better? Nothing better than joy this holiday season. It's easy to set up, and it's the perfect gift for any occasion. And you can get free unlimited storage,

and the photos look like real prints. It's fun, it's interactive, and there's nothing family likes more than new pictures of new family members. It's true, sometimes my mom will text me and be like, we need more photos. Now. So right now Aura has a great deal

and you can go to auraframes.com to get $30 off plus free shipping of their best selling frame. Wow. If you use code HEADGUM. Headgum. That's aura, A U R A frames.com. Use code HEADGUM at checkout to save. Headgum. That's right. Term u r a frames.com. Use code headgum at checkout to save. Headgum.

That's right. Terms and conditions apply. Of course. Thank you, Aura Frames. Sean Jordan. Well, I mean, it's still on the board. I gotta go Art Garfunkel, don't I? Yeah. You can.

I mean, I just, tap in response. I thought I'd a little more. I didn't realize he'd still be out there, but. I think I'm on tape as being more of a Paul Simon guy. Yeah, that makes two of us. Even my son is more of a Paul Simon guy, dude. And they're both in the dark. You don't know that, yes.

You don't, Arthur? Art? Hardy? My son is a, my son looks like Paul Simon, dude. You don't think? He's a tiny brunette man. He looks like Colin Farrell, we've established this. You, and you don't want art to happen, right?

Art's cool, art is cool, Arthur's cool. Oh really? Whatever you want for the text. You gonna let him just kind of grow into it? I'm gonna let him pick, yeah, I feel like you can't tell a river which way to run, man. Yeah. No, in the text he didn't want us to call him art carm fungal, which was a joke

We were trying to give me and son nicknames To save my life Honestly felt stupid where I'm like these guys are saying funny shit I don't have anything funny to say and I'm stupid. And what am I doing? It really put me in a little spiral for about 10 minutes. And then I- Did I lose it?

Am I losing it? Yeah, and then David took one that I was typing. It was Artie McFly and I was like, motherfucker, I know I'm not quick either. Yeah, and then you said, I was gonna type that and I said, yeah, right, which was hilarious. And that got me too. That all got me. Yeah, I believe yeah, right which was lawyer and that guy that got me too That all got me

Well Lord I could stay with her mom for a while Pull the car out of the garage got the glow stick nunchucks out That'll always get you in a better mood. That'll always cure. Yeah, I'm a cure what else? Yeah He's cool man. If you love harmonies. Yeah. They said they harmonized like family, that was beautiful. No, he's not Paul Simon. We're not drafting Pauls.

We're drafting Arthur's and Art's and Artie's. I figured I'd take a real one. Huh? Yeah. Art Garfunkel. You got a real one, you got a real one. I did get a real one. I got two real ones.

I'm looking right at them. Three real ones, Arthur. Four, if I'm not counting Isaac. I'm not looking at him, but you're a real one. What do you think? What do you think is in his head? My son or our phone call? You're son, like, you know what I mean?

Like, just like the processing process without language and even visually everything is new. What, what's in there? I think it's a lot of, just based on what he responds to, I think it's like wet, dry, hungry, full, sleepy. Right, well you can't see that well yet either, right? No, you can see it's like shapes and you can see contrast when you're there.

But he knows your voice. He knows voices. Even knows like his grandma's voice over the and the voices kind of chill him out like he Was being a little bit fussy before Dana brought him in and he's kind of like He's kind of just chilling now because I'm constantly talking and he's scoping me out Pretty cool. Yeah, it is wild What's up, dude? Pretty cool. What's up, bro? Yeah, it was wild.

What's up, dog? I can feel him pooping. I can feel him farting and pooping. Gets real warm. My hand on his butt. And he pooped. Sometimes it feels like you can, like if they're on your tummy or something

and you feel him peeing, you're like, did you just piss? Is it on me? And then, you know, just cause it's all warm. It's a good feeling. I had cold pee when I was a kid, so. Except for the baths we were about? We gotta heat them up.

My boy pee's cold. Oh no, it's Lucifer reborn. Cold piss. I knew it. From the legends That which was broken has been made whole call the heretic Dude art Garfunkel fart barf knuckle himself Art carm funle is a funny nickname. I don't care if I have to be the only one to think so.

If you call my son ever, ever, and especially to his face, Art Karmfunkle, I'm gonna punch you in the fucking face. What are you gonna do about it, animal red? Sorry, I'm in a custom for you, Arthur. You sure did, holy fuck it. He should know. How was the car ride home? He should know.

Was Art in your car? I'm very, he was in my car. Well, you know, I got a Kia now. I drive the A-Sport. I didn't know that. I didn't know that. Oh, God. Yeah. You got a new whip? You didn't, dude. Whoa. What are you doing? All that beat

to the bumperless Prius. When did you get a new car? End of an era. Couple weeks ago. I can't believe I forgot to bring it up. End of an era, damn. I got a Kia Sportage. What color?

I'm leasing it. It's gunmetal gray. Nice. Get fucking right. That's gonna be cool. bumper sticker city or what? Well, I'm leasing it, so I don't really know what Isaac likes to point out if that is a Korean vehicle.

Yes, it is and it's wonderful. Also no Kia boys in Atwater Village, that's important. What are Kia boys? You ever heard about the Kia boys? No. They're super easy to steal. Just like they plug it into some shit. So there's like all these kids going nuts

stealing Kia's all over the country. Oh no, I better start putting them in my driveway. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I got one of those super stealable Kia's. So get this, I went through an auto-broker. Gunmetal cause you're a hot dad. Gunmetal gray cause I'm a hot dad. And I need my son's note. Co-exist bumper sticker.

Covered in co-exist bumper stickers like a wrap. No, I turned in the Prius to this auto-broker and he's like, yeah, I'll go find out what I can get for it for you. It's a 2010 Prius to this auto broker and he's like, yeah, I'll go find out what I can get for it for you. It's a 2010 Prius, right? No bumper on the back, kind of busted on the inside, busted on the outside. The speakers knock, I've been in there, the speakers are good and it's got some zip on it.

It still drives really well. And I got an email from the auto broker today saying, the best I can do is $500 for you. And I'm like, that's- That feels crazy. That doesn't seem quite right. I feel like you can flip it yourself. I might have to flip it myself. But do you wanna do that?

That's the question. 500 sucks. 500 is knowing that they're fucking you. You're peeing in my mouth and you're not looking in my face. Yeah, look me in the eyes. I ain't got time to look you in the face. So I took my Sentra in and when I got the Saturn, when I leased the Saturn, and for the trade in,

he's like, I've never seen a car go for less than $200. Never, this is 200. And then I showed him the car and he's like, I think, no, and then he gave me $100 for it. A working car, $100. And I took it because I was like, heart up. Prius has never not started. I would almost rather give it to someone than sell it, $100. And I took it, because I was like, hard up. Preece has never not started. I would almost like rather give it to someone

than sell it for $500. You should give it to, I mean, I'm telling you how to live your life. I don't know, we don't really know anybody anymore who would like, benefit from a busted key. Go give it to Funches, and be like, here you go. You can have it, boy, you want it. I don't even have a driver's license, brother.

That would be tight. If you just go park in front of Sharpie's house, like here's a wedding gift, dude. Look at you, a car. Mazel tov, I sent him a gift, even though I couldn't send my present. What, why did I bring up the Kia? Cause I was talking about Art Garfunkel.

Oh yeah. Oh, how was the drive home? How was the drive home? How was the drive home? He was in the Art Garfunkel. Oh yeah. Oh, how was the drive home? How was the drive home? How was the drive home? He was in the key, yeah? Very calm. I'm very calm in the car now. Oh, it's cause you swore.

Cause I don't have to drive anywhere. Oh yeah, I swore. I said, yeah, but on his behalf, he doesn't want you to call him Art Carm Funkel either. Then when he is a grown man, he can tell me that to my face. You can be Art Carm's Funkel? Cause you're his fun uncle.

That's good. That's about as far as you're his fun uncle. That's good. That's about as far as I'm letting this get. That's pretty good. I don't ever want to be a Funkle. You're a Funkle. So let's agree. Why don't you ever call me a Funkle? You've made a bad and now you have to lie in it.

You're Art Carms' Funkle. Art Carms' Funkle. Then I'm gonna make him a shirt with a tiny apostrophe or something or comma that said Art Carms' Funkle, but it's or something or comma that said Art Carmsfunkle, but it's gonna look like his name is Art Carmsfunkle. It'll be really interesting to see if that ever makes it way onto his torso.

I... You're gonna want a babysitter. Trust me, trust me on this. You live in Oregon. I would fly down to babysit for you in a heartbeat if I could. Mark his words Ian. Mark his words.

Give me a couple of weeks notice. Remember you said that. Or I'll give you 50 bucks. What do you want me to demo you 50 bucks? I would extend your life by 100 years if I could. I gave you 50 bucks. With my third pick, I'm taking Portland legend, Art Alexakis.

Oh yeah. Everclear. Port, oh okay. Oh, his name's Art? He's from it. Art Alexakis. He's from Portland, Oregon. That's a good- That's a solid rip, bud.

I didn't know that. I will buy you that big house way up in the West Hills. Those are the West Hills of Portland. Sure. Those are the West Hills of Portland. They are big houses way up there. And he is a Portland legend. We don't have a ton.

We have more now. But like when I was growing up, we did he is a Portland legend. We don't have a ton, we have more now, but like when I was growing up, we did not have a ton of musical representation on the mainstream and Art Alexakis meant a lot. Sparkle and Fade still rips. Father of Mine, you know, I'm gonna be a better dad than that. I didn't ever think it was not good.

I've always thought Everclear was good music. I still love it. So there was never a time where you were a loser if you liked Everclear. You could always be like, yeah, Everclear's dope, and everyone's like, yeah, they're dope. Some people more than others, but they were always just fine.

It wasn't like Limp Bizkit or something where you had to kind of hide it or sublime or whatever. Yeah, it was firmly outside of the this sucks matrix. Like safely outside of it. I never got Limp Bizkit-ed for, for everybody. Getting Limp Bizkit-ed is so funny. I was like on record as when I got LB'd. As when I got LB'd.

LB'd, it fell out. I never, I never, yeah, I never run on live. It's like, did Maroon 5, dude? There was like, you know, when they have the one good album and then it starts to go, Black Eyed Peas. You played B.E.P.'d. Maroon 5 is a little much. I mean, that first song was so, you know,

shout out to people like Maroon 5, I guess. You liked that first song? No, I didn't. What? You know, I can safely say, I never. Are we talking about? And then you go, go. Oh, keeps me coming every, keep her coming every night.

You don't like that song? Something satisfying. This love is taking its toll on me. I don't, I don't. What's the one that I'm thinking of? You never did it for me. You were doing the growing thing up in front of my head. Turn the turners into do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun All in the rain. And I will be love. Yeah, Maroon 5 rips, dude. Actually, I take that back.

Maroon 5 never got LB'd. I can't go with you there. Yes, they did. That was. That was. With my fourth pick, we all agree. I am going to take somebody who, my son is somewhat named after a little bit.

This factored in. A great Jewish American, a Pulitzer Prize winner, Arthur Miller. Oh, okay. Oh yeah. The man who wrote Death of a Salesman, the man who wrote The Crucible, the Jewish literary type who locked down Marilyn Monroe. He wasn't a good partner. He wasn't a good partner.

He wasn't a good partner. But he got there. Before JFK limped in, it's like, I'm gonna try to hit that. I've never read the Crucible, but I love me some Death of a Salesman. Oh, Death of a Salesman is one of the great plays. I love it.

Really. Oh my God. It's one of those books, not that you don't pull it from everything, but it's one of those books where you're like, you read it and you're like, how the fuck am I gonna make standup comedy work? Right?

Oh my God, it's devastating. They love me in Boston! Wait till I get out! Wait till I get back to Boston! Fuck! Fuck, Willie! Willie, fuck! That book stresses me, that play stresses me out.

I remember when we watched it, we read it in English class and then it like, I liked it. And then we watched the movie, I forget, like Jack Lemmon, I think, somebody in it and like weeping in high school, like in front of other people, just cause it like broke me. It is tough. Yeah, real tough.

Great, I mean, but a great writer and a man who bagged the ultimate shiksa of all time, Marilyn Monroe. Let's go, fair. That's a good pick. Now, the Crucible, I've also never read it, but that is what I put all of my dinner reservations under. I couldn't even say it.

Tell us what you put max in it, she's acting out. I've been sitting on it for 20 seconds, I'm like, don't laugh. Table for three, the Crucible? Hello, hello? It's just me. I'd like three place settings, but it's just me. I'll be eating three man's worth of food.

I am the crucible. Where does it go? Who knows? God only knows. But I'm gonna eat it. I'm gonna eat it. Got it. Uh.

That rules. Yeah. Hell yeah. So Arthur Miller, there's the pick. Time for Sean's fourth pick. So I'm gonna go Arthur Digby Sellers. You guys know who Arthur Digby Sellers is? No.

Maybe you've heard of a little show called Branded, wrote 156 episodes, both of these series. God damn it, cause of fucking Big Lebowski, you motherfucker. In a good day to you, sir. That's funny. It's the guy in the iron lung in the Big Lebowski. That shit, I mean, I know, I just am, you know,

I'm like a bro who quotes movies, but that shit, and a good day to you, sir. Anytime someone says that. You just locked it in, I'm watching that tonight. A hundred percent. Oh man, good call. Anytime someone says it like that, I just,, I'm watching that tonight. 100%. Oh man, good call. Anytime someone says it like that, I just, maybe you've heard of a little show called

Brandon, 156 episodes, or the bulk of the series, dude. It's the bulk of the series. John Goodman is the fucking God, dude. I just, when he, I mean when he walks in and he's just, hi Larry, and then when he walks in and he's just, hi Larry, and then the guy's in the iron lung, the old iron lung.

I've seen one of those in real life. They have one in the basement of the hospital in Sioux Falls. It's like a museum. Yeah, exclusively. They only, it's not a museum, Sean. That's the respiratory wing of the Sioux Falls. A lot of people thought you could just go in there if you were a smoker and it would fix you.

But yeah, he'd just stand in the doorway like, had a good day to you, sir. Guys in the iron lung, it's so, this is so fun. I just wanted to talk about it. So yeah, Arthur Digby Sellers. Hey man, 156 episodes, that's no joke. There residuals on that on Brandon? Oh yeah, come on.

You're doing all right. Bulk of the series. Bulk of the series, dude. Excellent dig. Yeah, what would 156 EPS be? That'd be like nine seasons of a full show, right? Yeah, well back then that'd have been like one and a half seasons.

Yeah. Every day. I mean it would have actually been, I guess like 30 episodes times five, five seasons. Yeah. David, time for your fourth and then your final picks. Not to rush us through, but I can feel my son shitting. Yeah, fourth pick.

I'm gonna take Dorothy Zbornak, I'm taking Bea Arthur. Yeah. Oh, damn, that's good. Yeah. I didn't even consider last names. That was, that was, I got to them by proxy.

Because my list is already getting thin. They came up like deep in the search, it's just like you just search like famous Arthur, it would be like, yeah, that's a good call. Thank you for being a friend. Born Bernice Frankel. Well. How about that?

So was I. That's crazy. The next three of us. When did she change it? Brother, she was in the fucking Marines. I'm on her wake up idiot right now. Come on, man. She was the Marines.

That doesn't surprise me at all. She was a staff sergeant in the Marine Corps from 1943 to 1945. That's awesome. I had no idea. You kind of feel that in her too. Yeah, she's strong. She's probably taking people's food off their trays at lunch.

Yeah. Sitting at the end of the table like, it's all mine. Dude, after boot camp, she served as a typist in Marine headquarters in DC. And then she accepted, and then she wanted to transfer to Camp Lejeune in North Carolina Okay, it's beautiful bad lady Get it excellent and your final pick

Artie the strongest man in the world from Pete and Pete the strongest man in the world In the world Pete rewatch do you remember when we would be at festivals with them all the time for like two, three years? Yeah, they were all over the place. Yeah. I feel like especially Sketch Fest. They were always doing like Pete Rewatch. Always a Sketch Fest.

I was too scared to ever go say what's up. I wasn't quite. I talked to little Pete. I've talked to him a few times. Yeah, little Pete's cool, right? Yeah, he's a good guy. He's a few times. Yeah, it's cool, right? Yeah, he's like comedy adjacent Yeah, that's fun Excellent Peck Sean your final Peck

I'm going fictional again. I'm going Arthur spooner who is Jerry Stiller in the King of King of Queens Those my first fucking pig. God damn it. One of my favorite jokes of all time on a show where he's like, yeah, there's this little Italian restaurant called Domino's at the end of the street. And then Kevin James goes, I think you mean Domino's, dad. God, I'm so pissed.

Domino's. Jerry Stiller is my, that's my favorite. To me, that's the funniest to me that's the funniest guy. That's the funniest guy. Like over Will Ferrell, over Eddie Murphy, over Patrice, any of those people, Jerry Stiller is the funniest guy. Because it feels like he's just, it feels like he's like that. Like I don't know if you've seen The Heartbreak Kid, you ever seen The Heartbreak Kid? Yeah, I've seen everything he did. He is so, so goddamn funny in that movie. And he shouldn't be almost.

He's so funny in everything. He had that weird mustache. I think it's just a lifelong performer chops too. By the time we started to, because even as a kid, I remember watching Seinfeld and not really getting it But always thinking that George's dad was funny. Yeah, George's dad was funny Just like funny bones, dude, just like man that guy fuck that guy was hilarious

The bad yeah, Arthur's food was a great bit. I I thought about it in bed last night And then I was like, okay, so the art man anyways great pig Thanks, but time for my final pick the final pick of the draft and I am taking seven foot to a BA champion six-time NBA all-star artist Gilmore

1975 a BA champion, Artis Gilmore. Artis is tight. Artis, dude. My wife is from Chicago, Illinois, and Artis Gilmore spent his best NBA seasons with the Chicago Bulls. So a little bit of, well, them and the Spurs, but between the two, but just a little bit of, you know, can't just be a Spurs fan. I mean, I'm not a fan of the Spurs. I'm not a fan of the Spurs. of, well, them and the Spurs, but between the two, but just a little bit of, can't just be honoring Portland the whole time.

We've got to honor your roots from Chicago as well. Artist Gilmore. You're just saying that. Also, hard pressed for basketball players named Art. Boy, you know. Who played? I mean, before a certain time, it looked like they were all named Art.

A lot of professional dudes based like they were all named Art. Lot of professional dudes based in Syracuse named Art. So many pro old athletes named Art looking up for this. Lot of Rochester. Tons of famous arts. None that I knew. Not a lot. There was one Art athlete that I had on my list. Who?

Art Monk. If you remember him, he was a commander. Before they were the commander's receiver. For sure, Art Monk. if you remember him, he was a commander before they were the commander's receiver. For sure, Art Monk. Yeah, look at that little. He's getting a little fussy. Yeah, well he's got a load of shit in his pants, bud. He's dropped a pant load on ya.

Excellent picks all around. He looks good on you, man. To recap, oh, I'm the happiest I've ever been. Happy's the wrong word. It's like a different word. I've been, you're happy when you like a... Tired is what you're thinking. Tired, that's the one.

It's like a different, like happy, and then it's this different lane next to it. Yeah, it's not like you got a, you know, like a new pair of shoes or something. I mean, it's just, it's a whole, it's a thing you've never experienced. It's like I'm telling you, man, your brain chemistry is different now. You're

different than you were. It's awesome. Friggin rules. Isaac do you have a pick? Yeah I'm gonna go with actually one of my favorite philosophers Arthur Schopenhauer who wrote about aesthetics, who wrote about the will. He's a very influential in German aesthetics and studied him a lot in media theory classes in college, so shout out to him. Was he involved with the German army though? That's what we're, no comment on that. No, all right. Okay, good, good, good.

I like how you call it the German army. The German army. The German army. No, he died in, he died in 1860, so he's not there. He's all right. Yeah. To recap, that's an excellent pick, Isaac. David, you took Arthur Fonzarelli

Arthur Reed Arthur Ash be Arthur and already the strongest man in the world Sean you took art van de Lee Arthur slug worth art Garfunkel Arthur Digby Sellers and Arthur spooner. I took King Arthur Arthur Conan Doyle art Alex Ackers Arthur Miller, and Artis Gilmore. And you'll notice, my son, you weren't selected. And that's because nothing in this life is going to be handed to you, you understand me? Everything you want, you have to go out

and you have to earn it. And I will love you no matter what, and I will support you no matter what, and there's nothing you can do to shake either of those things. But if you want this world, you have to go get it. And you're not just gonna become a draft pick on All Fantasy Everything just because you were born into the All Family.

But honestly, if you want that Nepo shit, come over to Uncle Dave. I'll get you a job. Yeah, David's got you. David's got you. And I got you. We'll get you sweeping up some shit in the back, you know? Watch out for Art Karm's fun call. I'll give you whatever you want, kid. You want a bazooka? you want a little Nerf gun?

What are we doing? We left some good arts on the board. Arturo Toscanini, Arthur Big Boy Crudup who wrote all Art Carney, yeah. So that's Arturo Torres? Arturo Gotti, the boxer? Arturo Sari? Could I have picked Artosari, I was gonna ask that.

Would that have counted his name's art Oh, yeah, it's a pro skater. But okay. Well sure I would have I would have picked him instead of Garfunke, but neither here nor there already laying Arthur C Clark art art the expression curry Aquaman All right. Yeah Art just the expression human expression Did you say art, just the expression? Human expression. Human expression art. Is Art Basel a guy or just something that happens in Miami?

It's an event in Miami. But was it named after a guy? It's just the art thing? I think it's just art. I wasn't the Joker, like the Joaquin Joker, but his name's Arthur Fleck, right? Oh yeah. You can type Joaquin. I still never saw it Arthur Fleck, right? Oh yeah, you can take a long walk. I still never saw it. Everyone tells me it's so depressing.

I never wanted to watch it. It's good. The first one I didn't mind it. I don't mind it. Well, you'd like it. Yeah, you like the Joker. I mean, it's Big Lebowski tonight, regardless, but maybe I'll spin it one of these days.

Yeah, maybe we should all do that. I'll try to. I'm gonna do it too. Well, hey listen, we wanna hear your picks. Send us an offensive pod on Twitter, offensivepodcastatgmail.com. Shout out to everyone on the A-F-E, Patreon, where we have 9,000 posts, is that what you said?

Something like that. Getting up there, bro. Getting up there. About 6,900. 6,900. 420 posts. Where we have mailbag episodes, auction drafts, bonus episodes, video content, and

Isaac's tasteful nudes, of course. Shout out to everyone on the AFE Slackity, the AFE subreddit. Shout out to Ultra Mega Producer, Isaac Lee on the ones and twos, the birthday boy himself. The birthday boy himself. His birthday just a few days ago. Dirty 30. Yeah, in there. Are you at the point where you're realizing it's not as old as you thought it was, but it's also older than you've ever been?

Yeah, basically. That's perfect. Wait a minute. Shout out to Frankie Ocean, shout out to Sid The Dude, shout out to Haji Beats, and more important than all of that, tune in again next week to another brand new episode

of All Fantasy Everything. Shacklackity. That was a hate gum podcast.