All Fantasy Everything - Foods You Can Church Up (w/ Zak Toscani)

Episode Date: January 9, 2025

We're sending love to everyone in Los Angeles and the surrounding areas affected by the fires!Guest:Zak Toscani (IG @zaktoscani, X @zak_toscani)Support the show!Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for ad-free episodes, mailbags, and video pre-rolls.Advertise on AFE!Advertise on All Fantasy Everything via Gumball.fm.Follow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel (X @IanKarmel, IG @IanKarmel)Sean Jordan (X @SeanSJordan, IG @SeancougarmelonJordan)David Gborie (IG @Coolguyjokes87)Isaac K. Lee (X @IsaacKLee, IG @IsaacKLee)See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything, a podcast where we fantasy draft anything and everything from the world of pop culture. On today's episode, we are fantasy drafting foods you can church up. Am I correct? I say it right? Yeah, foods you can put the Holy Ghost in. Yeah. Shout out to Kaki Thickflips on the subreddit, AFV subreddit for the suggestion.

I wasn't aware that there were suggestions on there. Zach hipped us to that, so thank you for doing those. Joining us today, no Ian, no Isaac. Sort of started off on a bummer, but the fires got everybody. Isaac's evacuated right now. I know everyone's kind of on edge, so. Don't say the fires got everybody. They didn't get everybody. I know everyone's kind of on edge. Don't say the fire's got everybody.

They didn't get everybody. I was gonna say they got everybody. It's just like a really crazy way of like, yeah, they're dead, I don't know. We gotta keep doing the podcast. I didn't wanna laugh. I'm just saying everyone's on edge trying to be on point. So they are tending to their business.

So we're all, we're stepping in. My name's Sean Jordan, if this is your very first time listening. Joining us today, as always, is our friend and comedian, David Bori, and our special guest, our esteemed colleague, Zach Tiscani. You know Zach from his Nationwide House Show Tour.

See, I got it back. Nationwide House Show Tour. Hilarious stand-up comedian in his apartment, perfect light. How we doing doing boys? Good. I'm doing great. Doing great.

The sunshine in Portland. Yeah, you're getting blasted, I like that. Yeah, it is, it's been, you know, far be it for me to complain about the weather in Portland right now. Yes, it is, we're very blessed to have a nice Sunday. You like a dreary day. As long as it's not on fire, you're probably doing all right.

Those fires, man, when it was a couple years ago, it's so, so crazy to look up and just see that red sky. I remember, I wanted to go skate so bad, and Laura, we had, it was one of the many times I felt like her child, because I was like, hey, I'm gonna go skate, and she's like, no, no, no. And I was like, she's like, can't go outside right now, air quality shit, and I was like, I can go'm gonna go skate. And she's like, no, no, no. I was like, she's like, can't go outside or at air quality shit.

And I was like, I can go outside and skateboard if I want to. I'm more about quantity. I was like, I have a car. And so I- On the end of somebody who's kind of dumb. What? Going out and you're not supposed to go outside at all

in bad air quality? You're supposed to like, minimize. Yeah, I mean- And you're definitely're supposed to go outside it all in bad air quality You're supposed to like Minimize. Yeah, I'm definitely not supposed to go out and like get get all breathing heavy Yeah, if there's like this if the smoke is in the air I think they mostly tell you to not they don't exercise outside and all that kind of stuff and like we had an air purifier And the high like it was it was pretty buck But I just I really wanted to go skate so I went to the park and I agreed I was like I will skate for a half hour,

I'll wear a mask. And then I got there and some dude with blonde dreads was skating in a full on gas mask. It was nuts. Whoa. Like apocalyptic shit. And I just walked up and he took off his gas mask. What's up bro?

Dude, I saw some German tourists in Hawaii that had crazy snorkels. Like Europeans got crazy snorkels and one of them was like the full mask. Like the straight up like Iron Man mask where it's all clear, like it covers their entire face. And then the exhaust is like built into the mask. It was crazy. You know what would be gnarly is one of those like 1920s diver suits that weighed like 200 pounds.

You see those in museums? Navy diver, yeah. Where they're just like. We saw them in Atlanta, right? Is that what you're talking about? Yeah, yeah. Might as well have three dudes hanging on your back and then they just have like a hose that's in the garden.

Yeah, yeah. Like, yeah, we're just gonna put air in this, put like dust bowl air in this for you. There's a forest fire out there, but you'll be fine. Yeah, but you're a real one. Now that man who just commented on the forest fire out there is Zach Disconnie, Nationwide House Tour. Zach, hit the people.

Where are you gonna be? What's going on? You moving, you shaking? I'm moving, I'm shaking. I got a headlining show here in Portland, Clint Street Theater, Friday, January 24th. Get them tickets, that's that's going to sell out. How many are they moving? Are they moving right now? Oh, they are moving.

My friend. It's amazing. It's a little less than three weeks away and it's getting real close already. So that feels good. And yeah, I'm doing house shows. So if you all 50 states, all Canada, a couple of people hit me up about Australia. If I could make an Australian run, I will make that happen. So if you want me to come to your house, do an hour plus of stand up for you and all your friends, hit me up. And I don't want to sound like a moron. What is the currency in Australia? A smacker is that what they use?

How many smacker does it cost to get booked in Australia? Is it a smackaroo? Is that what they use? Thank you. Three bucks. How many smackaroos does it cost to get booked in Australia? Shrimp on the Barbie. That's what it is. No, it's not dollars. It's not dollars. It's Australian dollars. Do they have it under Australian dollars?

Well, they got it. They got it, but is it just called Australian dollars? I don't know because Canadian dollars, right? But then Australia is also kind of tethered to the UK Australia just seems like Dollars hey, you did it. Okay. Yeah Same note same notes as us, too But they all really yeah five tens 20s 50s and hundreds. They just make it easy, huh? I want to go so bad just go man flight sounds like a bummer, but.

You guys should. They love podcasts over there. I can't just go. I gotta, it's a little. Laura. Listen, I'm just gonna go. If anyone in Australia wants to, if you want me and Sean to come.

Yeah, I'll go if you guys go. Break out the wallet, you know? I don't even wanna be smackaroos. I just don't wanna lose any smackaroos. I don't need to make smackaroos. I just don't wanna lose to smack a ruse. I Just don't want to lose any smack a ruse. I don't need to make smack a ruse I just don't want to lose any smack. I might come back with a kangaroo There you go. I would I I can't believe that there's a place in the world where like this is what bums me out is our animals Are fucking deer and squirrels and then in Australia you can go see kangaroos. Come on Yeah, but they're sick of them like we're sick of deer. Yeah, that doesn't compute that doesn't work on me

Okay, I also tweets about Australia where it's like the the food chain is all fucked up there where it's like nah spider can kill a snake but The snake can kill a shark and you're like what what is going on out here? Sounds like they're living. Yeah It also seems like they got big bugs and that they do I don't like're living. Yeah, dude. It seems flawless. It also seems like they got big bugs. And that they do. Seems like they're not scared of them. I don't like big bugs. Yeah. Yeah. Well, they got hard bodies and big bugs.

Australia. Hey, that's your X tube, isn't it? Hard bodies. Hard bodies and big bugs? Hard bodies, Crush Velvet, Hot Tub, and Mad Dog. Man, just like reading Rainbow, but for X, dude. David Borey in the building, David. Cool Guy Jokes 87 on Instagram.

Not on Twitter, obviously. God, Twitter's a nightmare. You on Blue Sky? No. No? I'm not. What do you got coming up? I'm probably not gonna get another.

Yeah, it was funny after your boy Zuck hopped on yesterday and I don't know if you watched the video where he's like, no more fact checking, the government's taking the people's crazy. Yeah, exactly, dude, it's so fucking nuts. Wait, what happened? He hopped on, you should watch the video. It's like every boss you've ever had

that basically tells you that you're not gonna get the raise you thought you were gonna get or they're cutting your vacation time by a week, or like no more bonuses, but they say it with a smile on their face. He released a video yesterday saying that Instagram is getting rid of all their fact checkers. Because-

They had fact checkers? Right, exactly. That's what I was like, I was like, I don't think I'm gonna feel the effectstasy too much, but it was just him, the smile that he had on his face when he was saying the bullshit it's so wild where you're like dude dude cut to me in a week on instagram being like sold out another show at madison square garden anyway it's it's an interesting video if you and if you don't want

to watch it don't watch it because fuck it i try to stay away from that side of things instagram is too much for me and i have that so yeah, I feel you what you got coming up got any jokes 87 Ah, no, I don't have anything. I'm gonna be in Gonna be in Cincinnati, Kentucky area in Chicago, but that's not till February So, you know in Commonwealth? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, dude. That's a fun spot. Oh, I'm excited. Yeah, and then I'm gonna try to line I'm gonna try to line up Chicago and Minneapolis the same weekend. So it kind of you know what I mean? Get all the money out of it. I can but that's not for a little bit

So, you know just doing local shows around Denver trying to get this hour tightened up It's pretty good pretty happy with where my stand- up is right now. So come see that by my special, uh, birth of a nation, uh, patreon.com backslash David Bori. That's pretty good. But yeah, if you get a chance, come see me live. Cause my shit's hitting right now. Dude, that's so nice to hear. I've been feeling really fun about stand up too. I just like three nights ago, I just got sparked. I was laying in bed and I just woke up

and I wrote for maybe 20 minutes, but like. Yeah, that's always good. It all felt like I was doing, I was like, oh, this is actually, this'll work. And then they all worked last night. It felt really nice. You know, but it's crazy when that happens and you're like, do you ever overshoot it in your head?

And you're like, yeah, all right, so the hour will be done in what, two weeks? Yeah. Yeah. Like if I keep writing at this pace, I, you know, I don't be, my, my cycle is always like, I start to feel good about my comedy or my writing. And then I'm like, Oh, remember that joke that I couldn't get to work like several different times throughout my comedy career time to bring that puppy out.

Cause I'm a master and then it doesn't work and you're like, shit. You know it's doing good though when like, when you can make it kill without a ton of effort. Like you know when you first write it and you're trying really hard, but like when you get to the point where you can just like tell it,

just kind of like upside down or whatever, and it murders and then you're like, oh, okay, that one's done almost. Yeah, yeah. I'll do this sometimes where I'll get to write and then I'll have a whatever 15 minutes set and I'm like, all right, cool, I'm gonna go do all this. And with that, cause I'm like, I've never done it

so I'm gonna screw it up, but I don't think I'm going to until I start talking and I'm like, oh man, you gotta just do a little bit at a time. I do anyways, I can't go gotta just do a little bit at a time. I do anyways. I can't go out and do a whole brand new set. I gotta do like, oh, a joke, five new, and then finish with something. Because otherwise I just get so scrambled

thinking about this shit. Brother, as somebody who tried to just ditch the whole old act and start new, fresh, oh, it was like one of the toughest times of my career. We got over the hump, but fuck. I saw you like the first night almost. It was great. And at the Helium in Portland, like last year.

Yeah, but that was not fair because- You had a forgiving crowd. I had a forgiving Portland crowd. It immediately crashed after that. It had six months of like, I should just quit doing standup and keep podcasting even though I don't think I'm as good at podcasting as I am at standup. Yeah, but it's fun, because look at all the shit

we talked about before we started recording. Anyway, I'll be in San Antonio, I'm gonna be with Kanaan, I'll be in San Antonio January 31st through February 2nd, it's a Friday through a Sunday, which is interesting. And then in Houston the next week, February 6th through February 8th. And yeah, I got some new stuff, so come out.

It's always fun working with Kyle because I don't got to do anything. I can go do a Gentleman's 20. And then you get to watch Kyle. So how's that not sound, bro? I'm doing 20 tonight and I'm like, oh, it's so easy. It's so fun, man. I do feel bad though, because the guy,

I don't know if he can follow me. Yeah, but that's all right, cook him. I also, just in light of things, I just started doing a random podcast for fun. It's called It's Nice to Be Nice, but I put them out on the Patreon. It's nothing big, it's all free, but it's just like an hour sitting there

talking about ways that my friends have been helped in their career, or just whatever in life, like ways that people have helped you out. And it's just something positive if you wanna listen to something positive. Go over there on the Patreon, again, free, but just more stuff to listen to if you're feeling like it. Oh, dude.

And breaking news on a show for me, June 12th, come see me at the Comedy Fort. Nice. That just happened. Nice. Yeah, real time. Easy Comedy Fort. Nice. That just happened. Nice. Yeah, real time. Easy will, Farrell. That just happened.

That just happened. Fuck it, we'll do it live. Yo, shit, since we're talking about the fort, your boy is gonna be there March 27th through the 29th, so come on. Whoa, let me feature. You're gonna be in town, would you? Ah, yeah. Fun in town. Yeah. We're just gonna share one of those big cinnamon rolls.

You want or I think they give you a room. We can stay at the condo. Do they got a bitch in condo at that like downtown Fort Collins? Yeah, man. I'll feature for you anytime, pal. That would be dope. I think Adam and Shane Brent, Shane Brendan show there tomorrow night. Oh yeah. He's staying in my house this week. I don't know. I think Adam will come out. Steam sack will come out. We can take over Fort Collins again. Last time I was there,

me and Shane split one of those big ass cinnamon rolls at that diner. Sure. Have you guys been there? That sounds great. I went there last time. They were, they're gigantic. Um, also, uh, I K cooled Jew on YouTube. Go check out Ian's special, comes out February 4th, I wanna say, on 800 Pound Gorilla, and then after that it'll be on his YouTube channel at some point, but just also just send him, Isaac,

everybody in LA, send him good vibes. Do whatever you can do. Share if you got comics in LA that you like. Share their stuff. Hype them up right now. It's a tough time, and it's hard, like if you're comics in LA that you like, share their stuff, hype them up right now, it's a tough time, and it's hard, like if you're disconnected from it, if you don't live there, it's hard to see how it's tough,

like anywhere where something like that's going on, but it is, it's rough. You have to evacuate, you gotta like be away from your house, so just do what you can for anyone that you like, reach out, I know people, myself, I have trouble reaching out, because I feel like it's a hassle, if I'm like, hey, are you okay out because I feel like it's a hassle. If I'm like, hey are you okay?

Yeah, I like to reach around. Go to LA and reach around, you know? Go reach around, go JMO. And if they, anyway. So yeah, just send the good vibes, all the good vibes you got. Now, that being said, we are here to draft foods you can church up, foods you can zhuzh.

I said foods you can church up to Lauren. She didn't know what I was talking about. Did, you meant when you said she knew what I she know I meant when I said judge so here's the thing. I I prepared a list that is mostly foods but I also I kind of thought wait, did we just mean like Things you can church up just in a general sense. I have been known to be a pretty forgiving and liberal judge when it comes to this. So you can make a lot of moves when it's up to me. Yeah, we can take it on a case by case basis. I got some liquids on there.

That's about as far as I might think. Yeah, I got some liquids. I got some activities on there. Yeah, I got some activities too. Shower jeans, boobs. I guess I went way plain Jane. I did too, I mean I didn't, Zach's a lunatic, so we'll see, but I'm pretty traditional

right down Main Street with the foods you can church up. But let's get into it now. To determine the order of the draft, we're gonna do a rocking game of rock, paper, scissors, played between the two of you. How about? All right. And we go on, shoot, everybody ready? Rock, paper, scissors, played between the two of you. How about? All right. And we go on, shoot.

Everybody ready? Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. And young Zach wins a natural victory, crushing David's fist with his paper hand. To determine the order, Zach, you're gonna pick, now I'll remind you, it's a serpentine draft. And what is that? Zach, you know what it is?

I don't. Oh, Sean. It's when. I think it's still you. It's when you're passing a joint around, but you're not in a circle, you're on a ledge like kids. Uh-oh.

Back and forth, baby. Concise. What? You know what I mean? Like if you're on a bench, if you're in a circle passing a joint around, it just goes in a circle. But if you're on a ledge, you pass it all the way down

and then the last person hits it again and passes it all the way back. Because there's no circle to complete the point. I guess I have seen the middle person take attacks both ways. Yeah, we guess that works. Oh yeah, that's when you're at the end, yeah, you double hit it and then pass it back, right? Well, it's always a puff puff, even in a circle.

Well, then they do four puffs. Listen, dude, I'm huge into weed. I'm huge into sitting on stoops. On a ledge? It's like, where are you imagining you're smoking weed? I'm in the movie, I'm in the movie Kids. I'm at the park when they came up. You just caught the joker.

You wanna relax for a little bit, but you're on a ledge. I'm on both sides like a gargoyle. You don't know what's going on. Basically, if you pick third in the first round, you pick first in the second round. That being said, Zach, what will the order of today's draft be? Ooh, okay, so you know what?

I wanna be the middle person taking a little bit of the tax. So it's gonna go David, Zach, Sean. Hot corner. I wanna be the middle person. Yeah. We just walk up to a couple strangers and say that later today. Oh, in Portland that would work.

Yeah, I feel like this. I wanna be the middle. Ooh, I wanna be the middle. They'd be like, yeah, all right. That's true. Let's go. We were kinda talking about that before you even walked over, so that was that one.

Yeah. All right, so Zach, you'll start at, wait no. David, you'll start us off with the first pick in the foods to church up draft. Before we get to that pick, we're gonna take a quick break. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Babbel.

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Again, get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash all fantasy. Spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash all fantasy. Babbel.com slash all fantasy. Rules and restrictions may apply. And we're back. That was crazy. Sean just did the ads right in front of us. Yeah, it was really cool. fantasy rules and restrictions may apply. And we're back. That was crazy. Showing us the ads right in front of us. Yeah.

Yeah. It was really cool. Yeah. See, see I am good at it. We're back. David, time for your first pick. You're on the clock in the foods to church up draft. Hit me.

Oh man. This was so easy. Eggs. Yeah. It's like a food you don't even not church up. You have to church up. I never make just eggs. Plain eggs?

Just like. It seems like you're in like Walking Dead or something. Yeah, it's like it's going on a sandwich. I'm throwing some mushrooms and some spinach in there. Oh dude. I'm making a protein. Like it's just eggs is insane. It fits breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

I'd eat eggs anytime. Oh yeah, you can add them to anything. Put them in, or fluff them up in your ramen, whatever you wanna do. Also, eggs are the first food that made me feel like I was doing something. Oh, it's last-hit food for sure. And you learn multiple ways to cook it.

Yeah. Everyone knows how to scramble. You got a spatula. Mom's not home. You're doing stuff. Mm-hmm. You're moving. There's plates.

You're like putting it on a dish, sitting at the table. Maybe you put a little milk in it to make it fluffier. Yeah. It's one of the few things I have a flex on if I'm making breakfast for someone where I'm like, how do you like your eggs? You know, I don't just do scramble. I can do over. I can do over medium. I can do over easy.

I can do sunny side up. I can. This is how much of a piece of shit I am. I don't think I've ever asked anybody that I'm just, it's more like I made some animals. Yeah. You want some or not. It's a binary.

Like I did you a big favor. It was funny because as a kid, I thought I'd be asking a lot of women that. And usually it's more like, oh, so I got I got some stuff to do today. Hey, I made you some eggs for before you did. Yeah. When you were a kid, you thought I was going to be like, how do you want your eggs? Yeah, I they always end up scrambled. That's why I stopped asking.

Because like if I asked someone, I'm like, you want them over easy? How about scrambled though? I'll do them over easy. Yeah. I always think I can make an omelet, but then it just turns out to be less scrambled than scrambled.

It's like, it's, they're not, they're big chunks, but they're still scrambled. Scrambled with chunks. I mean, I like a big chunky scramble. That's a big In the middle that big chunky scramble you like dry food in a big chunky scramble. Oh That doesn't sound good to you. No That's your restaurant name. Oh, no the drive. Yeah drive Listen a bunch of shit.

When I was younger, maybe you crunch up some Doritos, put them in there. Who knows? Oh, dang. I like that. Yeah, not anymore. There's so many ways. I mean, that's the thing I always learn, right? Is like the chef hats.

Each like, whatever you call that like a No, there's something in a chef's hat where it's like it's all the ways you can cook an egg Really? Yeah, so there's like 130 ways or something like that What? Cuz on the chef's head there's leads which represents the hundred ways a chef can cook an egg Yeah Which represents the hundred ways a chef can cook an egg Yeah Signifying the versatility and wide range of cooking methods available for such a simple ingredient each pleats symbolizes a different key There's a hundred pleats in a chef hat. Yeah No, I never I would have guessed seven go back there dude. Go back in the kitchen. Let me get the pleats

Let me see the pleats you fucking faker. You call those scrambled. I'm taking a pleat off That's a hundred black belts, dude. There's been some Denny's where it's like, can you make not runny eggs somehow? They're always so runny. Denny's is back on their two, four, six, eight. And that, anything that's two bucks at a diner for food, I'm like, sure. Yeah, 2025. Yeah. I don't know.

Denny's is the best. I'm like, I'm gonna go with the $20. I'm like, I'm gonna go with the $20. I'm like, I'm gonna go with the $20. I'm like, I'm gonna go with the $20. I'm like, I'm gonna go with the $20. I'm like, I'm gonna go with the $20. I'm like, I'm gonna go with the $20. I'm like, I'm gonna go with the at a diner for food, I'm like sure. Yeah, 2025, ugh. Yeah, I don't know.

Denny's is the subway for breakfast to me. I haven't met anyone at Denny's for a minute. I don't mind at Denny's, I'll go to Denny's. You wanna go to Denny's? I think you could. I'll go mom and pop over. Go to Denny's. I mean, I'm always trying to go mom and pop over everything, but.

Right. Well, money over everything, but yeah, I feel. That and pop over everything. But money over everything. But yeah, I think that's where we got the name funny over. Everything was instead of money. I've had a sweet egg like a dessert egg. Didn't know they made those. Yeah, I'm trying to think of what dish that was in, but it was like it was like poached, but it was sweet. And I mean, isn't it like Hollandaise is kind of sweet, isn't it?

Yeah, that'll make it kind of a sweet egg. Are you talking about like a dessert egg? Yeah, yeah, I can't remember what dessert it was. I've never had a dessert, I've had a Cadbury egg. Does that count? It was fine, but it was hard to. Can you imagine that if you just, hey, I made a dessert egg?

I made you a scramble. Just a bunch of chopped up Cadbury eggs with like some nerds in it. I put a little little couple of reds and greens for you. Merry Christmas. You just treat her like she's Kevin McAllister. She's like, I think this is a big situation. I think this is a child living in a man's body You want to jump on the trampoline eat some dessert eggs. He just handed your checkbook. Hey, could you sign all these for me?

I'll make them out what I'll make them out later, but I need an adult signature. Oh Dude a Cadbury egg Oh Souffle or something you what is a souffle? What do you mean? I think I said exactly what I mean. I don't know what a souffle is. Oh, I don't know what, how do, I'm looking at a baked egg dish. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. It seems like it's thicker.

It's like puffed up, you know? Yeah, yeah. So like any, okay. So that sounds pretty nice for what it is. But is like mousse a souffle? I don't think so. Well, I don't... Well, I don't think you bake mousse. I think you maybe cook it over like boil it and then it cool it. Can you eat mousse? Do you ever... is there like mousse jerky and stuff?

Oh, I was talking about M-O-U-S-S-E. Yeah, yeah. I know, but now I'm talking about double O. Yeah, you can eat moose. Big O. Big O's. I feel like it would do something to you if you had moose jerky. I think it's greasy. I think the meat's greasy like bears. Like it's too lean.

Sure. Yeah, a lot of people say that about me. I'm too greasy and lean. You can't catch me, dude. It's all moose. Eggs, obvious, fantastic choice. Yeah, great. Zach, you are up.

What do you got? I'm going to go pasta. Yes, perfect. Pasta. I mean, you can you can really you can make it classy. You can make it trashy. But for me, whenever I get sick, one, one of my, like the things that I really crave is just buttered noodles with pepper on it.

It's just something my mom always made when I was sick. They just so it's so like easy to and utilitarian. It doesn't upset your stomach at all. It's one of those things that you really, if you have, if you have pasta at your house and you have any kinds of ingredients, you're like, yeah, I can make that work. Dude, I love olive oil, maybe a little pesto. Yeah. And some Parmesan.

Get some tomatoes in there. Yeah, it's just, it's so good. That gets you through, I mean, I'm not splitting the atom here, but that's like the first broke food, you know? The first, like you got your own crib, you're living with like four dudes, and then you just get like a box.

I remember when I found, I was like, oh, a box of pasta's like 89 cents. Yeah, spaghetti goes a long way. You can make that shit stretch. And it all, it's like, gets all bigger in your tummy. It just, it fills you up. You can like a huge box of like pain noodles or something. That'll last a couple days, you know?

You got options. I got bombed by a couple days on that shit. Like if you're just like, oh, I just have like a brick of cheese, and then like two cooked pieces of bacon, you're like, yeah, I can make pasta. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's also like, it's like, I think it's one of those foods,

it's like eggs, one of the first things you ever figure out to make to your tastes. Yeah. Yeah, you know. I have a pretty basic taste. I would get a box of noodles and then whatever, garlic Alfredo was the cheapest and it'd just be.

That's delicious though. It's so good. It's just such an easy thing. And it's like, even still you can do that for two bucks. You can get a box of pasta and a jar of whatever, Alfredo sauce. Hot sauce, what would you cook it in? You boil your pasta in hot sauce. I stare at it, dude.

I would, I did that. I learned my lesson in that a few times where it's just noodles and like just a ton in hot sauce. I stare at it, dude. I learned my lesson to that a few times, where it's just noodles and just a ton of hot sauce. Oh yeah. That can go wrong pretty quick, where it's just too hot. You need something also to bind the hot sauce to it. Yeah, otherwise it just pulls up in the bottom. You really can't just be, although I've been making

a lot of fish lately, and hot sauce has been my best friend, because there's just not a lot going on with cod. Yeah. You know what I mean? Especially if you're not making it with a bunch of oil or pan frying it, it's kind of just not. Doesn't it stink up the house? No, I don't know.

A lot of it doesn't care. No? Your boy David Van Izen used to microwave bags of fish. You remember that, Zach? Yeah, fish bags. Oh, what? That's what he called them. He would micro, do you remember the details? He

would. He would put a piece of fish in a Ziploc bag and put the put like the seasoning, put the butter, put the veg, like put everything in the bag and then just microwave that and yeah, I don't. Did he not have an oven? Yeah. Great question. Trashy. Yeah, I think he just liked the microwave but But yeah, whenever I cooked fish, I don't mind it. I just don't. I just avoid the microwave. That's when it gets like kind of too pungent. But yeah, I've been reheating it in the microwave.

It's also like, man, the white fish in the fucking in the in the oven. It takes 10 minutes. Yeah. Yeah. So fast. And then I mean, in the oven, it takes 10 minutes. Yeah, it's so fast. And then I mean, the what I like about pasta and eggs even is it like because you get to use a pan and sometimes you can be like you're thrown it around. It really you get the feeling of like, no, I'm really doing something for myself right now. Yeah.

Like you get to pretend like you're a chef. You're mixing that shit around. You're trying to get like, oh, I like a're mixing that shit around. You're trying to get a like, oh, I like a little char on this or whatever you're trying to do. I love it. Pastas, yeah. I love it when you make a food and you're like,

I don't even think anybody else would want this. Right, right. Especially when you have roommates and you're like, nobody's even gonna, I got sardines in here or some weird shit. Dude, clam spaghetti, I love it. You get a little time, you do a pasta bake, where you're like, all right, I'm gonna bake,

like an hour, hour and a half in the oven, you know what I mean, like a nice pasta casserole. That really makes me feel like I did something. Like I made a real ass family meal. Zach looks like you insulted his Italian heritage. He did, he really did. Yo, he was really turned off by that. He looked so upset. It's like you were just smelling a bunch of microwave fish.

Yeah, I don't know, the idea of cooking noodles and then baking them. Like I get it for a mac and cheese thing or something. I was just gonna say, I like to bake mac and cheese. But I guess I don't even think of mac and cheese as a pasta dish, even though it is. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's not macaroni and cheese. It's not macaroni. That's Mac. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's a different guy return to the mac and cheese

British British mac and cheese man, I love they got That British mac and cheese. Man, I love singing that song in the house. It's a good song, man. Dude, it's the song, yeah. It's like my entrance music for anything. Yeah, it doesn't even matter that it's good or bad anymore. Yeah. You know, I didn't like it when it came out.

I just started liking it recently. That's because you were stupid. Nah, man. Yeah, you're right. That shit could, that, How could you not? If my heart ever goes out, just put headphones in and play Return of the Mac

and I will come back to life. My buddy liked it too much. Did you ever have something that a friend of yours liked too much and then you're like, well fuck you, now I don't like it. It's dogged. That happened with Too Short, that happened with Return of the Mac.

That's crazy too. But going back to my contrarian roots as a kid, I got pissed that everybody loved Gangster's Paradise. It happened with Nirvana, it happened with Rage Against the Machine, with Pearl Jam, a lot of that, because for me, when I was younger, it was like, if it's not Tupac, Biggie, Snoop, or Dre, it wasn't music to me.

So anyone who liked anything else, I'm like, nah, it's stupid, and anyway. So Return of the Mac fell into that, unfortunately. But yes, pasta, fantastic, easy first round talent. Now I gotta go back to back. Now I don't know exactly how I wanna do this. I feel like this is too broad, so I'll narrow it down a little bit.

But the first one I'm gonna take is a baked potato. No, that's fine. Well, I narrowed it down. I was going to say- You thought that was gonna be difficult? I was gonna say potatoes. No, no. I couldn't just say potato. No, you kidding I admire the gumption to try it. It's funny cuz I didn't and then I did anyways, okay

I said maybe I took eggs. I mean like that's a pretty plain base I feel like potatoes there's so many different ways that like there's still plenty of potato options on the board because you can church up different versions, but we just had baked potatoes a few nights ago. And that's another one. I didn't know how easy they were to make until I was definitely an adult. It takes a lot longer than you think, but they are easy. But you can also do it in the microwave.

It's doable. It still takes like 15 minutes in the microwave. You gotta stop microwaving so much food. You have a family. I only microwave it for them, not for me. minutes in the microwave. You gotta stop microwaving so much food. You have a family. I only microwave it for them. I cook it for me. You call the microwave chef. You're like, yes chef, it's beeping.

I, you know what's crazy? In later years I've realized I don't really like potatoes that much. Really? No? Yeah, kind of it's like, it all feels like filler to me. Like even like, at best it's like French fries or tater tots, but even that, like after a while you're like, I don't know.

Well, they're all vehicles for other stuff too. Yeah, yeah. The baked potato, go ahead. No, it's just not something I wanna fill up on is what I found. Yeah, it is interesting when it's the main course. Rarely, but when you're like, I wanna say other picks, but like a baked potato,

I feel like is the most common main course of the potato dishes where that can be the main course. You have a green or something on the side, but I mean, it's not amazing what I do to it, but I enjoy it. Like I'll just pour barbecue sauce all over it and then some shredded cheese. It really looks like a six year old got a little bit.

Sounds like one of your girlfriends. What I love about a baked potato is it's just straight up a potato they put in an oven. Like they do fucking nothing to it and that's pretty cool. What are you doing? Everything else. I was building the Empire State Building all day. I don't have time to think. I'm going to put the potato in the oven.

Wrap this thing in a jacket and throw it in the oven. Get it out. When it. And get it out. When it screams, bring it out and I'll poke holes in it. It's like the vegetable version of getting the whole fish, you know, where they like bring it out head and tail and all. Oh, okay, I gotta do some of this. It's the branzino of starches. Oh, dude, branzino.

What's branzino? A fish. A type of fish. Oh yeah, you hate fish. I sure do. My mom was telling me about this fish that my stepdad would make where you put it on the plate raw and then you pour cooking oil over it and it just cooks on the plate. I've seen it on Instagram a lot.

Yeah, yeah. But anyway, yeah, I guess like of the starches, I probably would go like pasta rice and then potato like as the two, but potatoes in there. I don't usually bake potatoes as much, but I do love a baked potato. Comes with its own bar. It's usually. You know how I feel about that.

Yeah. And that's how you know it's a church and up food. It's just nice, like the more that, cause now I really, I have a sit down dinner every night almost, because it's before stand up, after daycare, is like we'll just have dinner almost every night, right around six. And I'm always, unless I'm on the road,

I'm always home at that time. So it's a slice of life I never got when I was a kid. We never did that, it was always like, you know, TV tray type stuff. Not in a bad way, it was just we didn't sit at the family, it was just me and mom and we talked enough. I forget which comic had this joke, but he was like, oh yeah, I went to a restaurant

and they told us that it's family style food, like we eat it family style. So he was like, oh, so I just took my food and went into my room. Yeah, totally. I mean, I'd sit in the living room. My mom would sit and talk on the phone, kinda. Not in a, again, not in a neglectful way.

It was just we didn't need to. We didn't say that. Yeah, well, I just feel like I'd make a dog and my mom out. But anyway, a baked potato is a good, quick, easy one. So that'll have a lot of these days. Especially when they were to be a baked potato is a good, quick, easy one, so that'll happen a lot these days. Especially when they would be a baked potato bar as a kid at like cookouts, it was so, because as a kid you have all these weird things

you don't like or you don't wanna taste, so it was like a perfect thing to see where you're like, oh, I get to load that fucker up with like bacon and cheese and chives and that's it, or whatever, you know, whatever you were about. Bacon bits, yeah. Oh man. Yeah, you could just put, you could dig out little craters and just fill were about. Bacon bits, yeah. Oh man. Yeah, you could dig out little craters

and just fill them with little bacon bits. What were those bacon bits? What were bacon bits? Because it wasn't bacon. It looked like aquarium food, but it was good as shit. Yeah, it tasted like the ships. Yeah. They still, Bacos, you remember Bacos?

Yeah, Bacos. They still make that shit, they do, right? Yeah, dude. You don't see them anymore. I don't see Bacos. And they were like bright red. And they were like bright red. It looked like the fake bacon you feed dogs.

You know, bacon strips. The salads that, every whenever we'd get a salad, you guys probably don't know Dorothy Lynch dressing? You know Dorothy Lynch? It sounds kind of Western. But it's like orange. It's amazing, but it's like bright orange.

And then you put the Bacos on there and they're bright red and then like bright yellow shredded cheese It just looks like you were eating like a lab experiment salad nuclear waste. Yeah, like this is a salad. There's no green Yeah, you did bro it when I'm it's it's so sad to this day if I if a salad makes its way in front of me You can't tell well, I've seen you put hot sauce on a salad before I sure have I mean, that's the thing about the good thing about salad though. It can taste like anything. Yeah Salad that doesn't even feel like it should be called a dude that no you feel like you're getting away with one on that Tax evasion like fire in the mountain where you're like, okay

So it's just yeah Buffalo we took everything on chicken wings and we dumped it over some lettuce You're like I can handle this. And I'm being a I'm a real health nut. You say? So, yeah. Big potato first pick second pick. I'm going hot dog. Oh, shit. Great. That didn't even make my list. Mine either. That's a great pig. Good pigs, boys.

Are you church in it? What's your ideal dog? Again, I hate being so bland and plain in my churching, but I really- If you say plain, if you say plain hot dog, I'm gonna come over there and beat you up. No, I mean, wait. I mean, I will go, so like, if I'm lucky enough to be at a place that like,

you know, like Zach Shack or whatever, I'll get, I like like a good jalapeno, cream cheese, and then like, you know, some like nacho cheese on there, maybe some spicy mustard, like a really good, nice hot hot dog. That's not plain at all. That was pretty good. Yeah, I am happy with that. But I just said all that.

Cheese, though, I will say that. That's crazy to me. Well, because they do that at Zaxx Shack. They'll have the little bit of nacho cheese. They'll have cream cheese on one side, a bunch of jalapenos, and then I'll put hot sauce on it. And that to me, and with like a big, nice, substantial bun. Yeah. Yeah.

Not like a flimsy gas station bun. Don't get me wrong, a gas station bun can get it every single day, twice on Sunday. Especially if they got that steam drawer underneath. Yeah, that's what I like. Yeah, I won't do it if they don't have a steam drawer anymore, they always have steam drawers. You walk in they don't have a steam drawer anymore. They don't. They always have steam. You walk in, you do. You have a stream door. Yes or no. You call yourself a gas station dinner place.

What's the code? I just have a gas station slash restaurant. How dare you? I thought this was a dinner. I was going to give my car dinner and I was going to get dinner. Right. Just you just sit down with your legs crossed on the ground, on the tile. It says AM, PM, I can eat here any time of day. I want a hot dog. I want a hot dog. Bartender, set me up.

Yeah, I know there's liquor in here somewhere. I'll take a sex on the hot dog. Sex on the hot dog, give it to me, baby. Oh God, that's terrible. I like onions either diced or grilled and then some mustard is usually my thing. I like a kraut dog. You put some sauerkraut on it. I like, uh, is that how you ordered them in Chicago before you deleted all the ingredients and just got them sent to you? I ordered a kraut dog.

I ordered a kraut dog. I ordered a kraut dog. I ordered a kraut dog. I ordered a kraut dog. I ordered a kraut dog. I ordered a kraut dog. I ordered a kraut dog. I ordered a kraut dog.

I ordered a kraut dog. I ordered a kraut dog. I ordered a kraut dog. I ordered a kraut dog. I ordered a kraut dog. You put some sauerkraut on it. I like, uh, is that how you ordered them in Chicago before you deleted all the ingredients and just got them sent to you? I ordered a classic Chicago dog. You I'd like to Chicago dogs. Now take off the pickles, take off the tomatoes, take off the celery salt. Take them. Make them Sheboygan dogs. Give me a Nebraska dog.

A couple of Eau Claire's. Yeah, I like a Chicago dog, too. I love a Chicago dog. Yeah, me too. That shit face down. If I met like a baseball stadium or something, mustard and then relish on the other side. And that's good with that.

Did you guys ever go to the circus back in the day? Like the El Riyadh, whatever. They don't do it anymore, I don't think. I don't think they bring the circus to town anymore, do they? I don't think so. It has to be cruel. I can't imagine they're still getting away with that.

But you know what I'm talking about, like the Ringling Brothers, like three ring circus. Those hot dogs, and I loved them, but they were like all mashed in and the bun was all soggy and it was just ketchup and it was like more water than ketchup I still loved them but do you remember those they were real specific and it didn't taste like any kind of catch you're supposed to get peanuts at the circus we always got dogs they would like it was the closest I've ever been to one of

those we went to the circus forever when I mean, most of my child, probably from four to 14, I went to the circus. You were the circus. I mean, how often? A couple times a year? Every year. They'd come to town once a year. So we'd go once.

And I have such crazy memories. The circus to me was insane that it was real. I couldn't believe it. I was like, there's tigers right there? They weren't in cages or anything. They were just there. That you could ride the elephants. You can't do that stuff anymore.

I'm sure it was cruel, but they had those dudes in the fucking dirt bikes in the metal spheres. Oh yeah. I've seen that somewhere. I don't think at the circus though. That's a good time. Yeah. They brought it all.

It was nuts. They would do the human cannon, all the trapeze, all that stuff. You're like, they did demolition derbies, but with animals. It was awesome. Dog fights. That's just the...

It wasn't the circus, it was just your dad's friend's house. It was like, this is my dad's buddy, my dad's buddy Kent in Indian Mike. My dad's buddy named Circus. My favorite part about the circus is that everybody was smoking cigs inside. Yeah. You got free red beans. And they all had the same man.

They all had the same bookie. You guys know the circus, right? Yeah. You know the circus. No chicks allowed. Nor would there be if they were allowed. I do remember getting smashed down hot dogs at like old baseball stadiums where if you got it to where like you're at the bottom of the hot dog thing where it's like you know there

was were stacked like 12 hot dogs. Oh yeah yeah. You get one of the bottom ones and you're like ah damn it. The weight of a thousand dogs. I read that. I had to read that. I had to read that for college. No class.

They were just like if you want to be in college you got to read the weight of a thousand dogs. Your doctor gave it to you. It's a pamphlet. Oh man. Yeah so hot dogs. Your doctor gave it to you. It's a pamphlet. Oh man. Yeah. So hot dogs. That's my second pick. And going back to young Zach, what do you got? I'm really happy this one came back to me pizza. I mean, it's what, it's, it's what created the bit for me.

The joke I do about church and up a pizza, but yeah, another easy like broke person type thing that you can do. One of my goals was to always church up a frozen pizza so bad that I could maybe fool people. Like no, I didn't make this. Oh, you easily could have fooled me with a few of those, easily. Well, I mean like real people.

Like with- Oh, okay. You cut me deep. You cut me deep. I didn't think it was gonna happen today, but you cut me very deep. We both lived. We both lived together in LA. I wanted to be able to go to like, what if I could make a regular di giorno like a deep dish?

Like if I churched it up to that level, you know? You know what I will say I found in jishing up pizza, bro, is it like, instead of it fully frozen, it's good to get those ones that are like, you know the ones that are like cold, like the Safeway ones? Where it's got all the fresh ingredients on top, but it's not frozen.

Papa Murphy's. Yeah, like a take and bake style. Yeah, yeah. Because they're less crunchy when you cook them. They taste a little more like doughy. And because the stuff you're gonna throw on there is gonna be more like the consistent, it's not gonna be frozen either, you know?

But those DiGiorno's, they take shit, you know? Oh, yeah, dude. Especially if you get like a stuffed crust. That's the thing is I learned that I would judge up the pizza toppings. And that's that's good. But you really, like you said earlier, if it's a frozen pizza, you want to put some attention on that crust. So you put some like butter on it.

You put some oil, like something to brush some olive oil. Yeah, dude. Or get some like hot olive oil, like get some heat to the crust or something. Oh, man. Do you ever add so much stuff, you also have to add more cheese? Yeah. Yeah. Like the ratio is all fucked. Yeah. They're going to think I'm a loser. You're texting Alana like, hey, I need you to make a stop before you come over. No one's ever going to believe this is a healthy pizza

if it doesn't have enough cheese on it. I got it, I got it. I honestly can't texture that anymore because I always call her like, shit's a big deal, and she'll be like, what's happening? And I'll be like, do we have any Baja Blast Zeros? The texts are like, text me now, urgent alert alert alert. SOS 911, SOS 911. I'm gonna start doing that are like, text me now, urgent alert alert alert. SOS 911. SOS 911.

I'm going to start doing that, like, paging, like texting people. Can I watch this new episode of Dune or do you want to watch it again? Text people like they got a pager. Be like, call me immediately. Like I can't just say it in a text. 911. Well, I always wanted to call someone out, like call someone up at like 3 a.m. And just really make it long and drawing out like you're clearly gonna ask for a favor But they don't know what it is and then at the end just be like I need a million dollars

And then there's like fuck you You know what I'll do is I'll take all the pepperonis and I'll make little designs oh you rearrange I will Pizza you made. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That was a fun Super Bowl. Not for you. Hey.

But. Yeah. You show up to Laura and it's just got a P sign and pepperoni, you're like, truce? Hey, babe. Will you please marry me? Or a smiley face? The only thing that would be so funny is like,

if you did in pepperoni's Calvin peeing on the pizza. Oh dude, there you go. Pizza art. Pepperonis. There we go. We're, latte art is over. Pizza art is the new wave. How's it ever caught on though?

I don't know. It does seem, you know? You know, on our like, I don't know, when Laura and I were pretty new, we made Zach, I'm going. When Laura and I were pretty new, we made Zach, I'm going. When Laura and I were pretty new. It's me. It's my time.

I gave her, I just started doing a bit about this. This is one of the, but like, I gave her like a coupon book for our first Valentine's Day. And one of them was make a pizza the shape of your home state. So we made a pizza the shape of Michigan and turned out all right. Dude, that's a hard one.

You did the UP? Yeah, we did the UP. Oh, okay. It turned out okay. At the UP, the proportion was off because the UP was like almost as big as the main part. Yeah. But you can tell it's Michigan.

And we put a little star where the capital is, which means- You're really broke. So you're like, I made you Hawaii. It's just like, it's like, it's just crumbs of a pizza. Here you go. Sorry.

I made you scrambled eggs, whatever state that is. But everyone looks the closest to scrambled eggs. The Bahamas, I don't know. What would be the hardest state to make into a pizza? Like Louisiana or something? Texas would be tough. Texas would be tough, yeah. Yeah, all those new, like what are the Ohio's all like,

the easy ones are like North Dakota, South Dakota, Nebraska. Those are direct. Colorado. Yeah. Those are basically. Wyoming. Yeah. Nevada.

Even Oregon. I make a square pizza, I'm like right in the middle is where all four states touch. You wanna get married an hour later, you're welcome. I made you the state of Puerto Rico. Yeah man, pizza, obvious, fantastic. You're the one putting garlic sauce on the bottom. And I've seen Sean actually rearrange the veggies on a pizza.

He takes them off and throws them in the trash can. Yeah, look it, I did everyone a favor. It was a supreme, and now it's one I like. Yeah. Now I have a healthy garbage can. The garbage can can have weird poops and I'll just have meat poops like I normally do. Oh man.

David, time for your second and third pick as it is. And I'll remind you, it's a serpentine draft. I mean, I can't believe I'm getting these two. This one's easy. Ice cream. Yeah. Shit. I thought that was gonna go later for sure. I wrote ice cream sundae down for sure.

Yeah, it's another one of those ones where it's like, I feel like very common to not just have the, like you're always gonna put something on ice cream. Yeah, yeah. It's crazy to be not. Especially if you have like a base level, if you just have like vanilla or chocolate or something. Or if you have a girlfriend,

cause before I lived with my girlfriend, if there was ice cream in my house, it just got eaten out the thing. Now we got nuts and different syrups. Laura will have just vanilla. It's just vanilla. Just, and I don't do much. I'm getting, I'm hitting,

unfortunately I'm starting to hit the dairy wall, I think. So I can't really handle ice cream. I can't, it doesn't really do. It's tough. I know what's gonna happen. Every now and again I gotta do it anyways. I think your dairy wall's being broken down, not being built up, my friend. Like Berlin in the 80s. Berlin in the 80s in there.

It's coming down. The 90s. Tear down this dairy wall. Everyone's gonna meet in the middle. They're all gonna to make diarrhea. Man, what I love is when you realize that like, even when you don't think you have ice cream stuff at home, you're like, wait, but I do have jam or whatever. Oh, that works perfect. Or fucking a pop tart. And you're like, oh, I'll just crumble the pop tart over the ice cream.

You can crumble anything and put it in there. Yeah. What's your sundae? A few times. Huh? I was going to ask David what his, like, what's your, if you had your druthers, what's in the bowl? Put just the druther sauce all over it. Caramel sauce, strawberry sauce, nuts, and then maybe like whole blueberries.

Ooh. Okay. I like that. Nuts, and then maybe like whole blueberries. Ooh. Okay. I like that. Well, it's ice cream with two sauces on it. Get real, you got a cat in the way. Oh, help me. I'm having a sundae.

You know what's nice that I always sleep on is a little butterscotch. It's hard to like get your hands on, it's not the most common, but it's like, it's so good. And then if you mix the chocolate in there, mm-mm, mm-mm. The idea is, Laura, I got some butterscotch. How? Where have you been?

Laura, go lock the doors. I made bathtub butterscotch. I think it's more scotch than butter. I'm in there scotch shining in the bathtub all night just so we can have one good bowl of ice cream a year. You know how many scots I gotta cook down to get this shit? Oh man. It is illegal.

And I do it for this house. I love a Nutella and then like marshmallow fluff. You know? Oof. I've never done that. That was my double album. Cause when that marshmallow fluff gets cold, it gets a little like nougat-y.

Kind of it gets a little like hardens a little bit I like that I have never or that hard shell remember that hard shell shit oh yeah unbelievable when they unlock that technology or when they gave it to us when Dairy Queen let go of the dip information. That, oh my God. When they went nuts on Magic Show. I used to drink it, I used to drink it out of the shit. I want it to harden my throat. I don't care. I don't care, mom.

This song's gonna die. I'm gonna drink a bottle of this and jump in the water and sink. You can't go wrong. Do you guys make little reservoirs with your, I'll make a little chocolate reservoir over here kind of sanctioned off by scoops and then I'll do like a little caramel reservoir over here.

So like I can take a bit off the top and I can dip it in whichever one I want. Separate but equal. Yeah, separate but equal. And then I go to the bottom. You hollow out like a little oil derrick side on the side of a sundae. This is where the rich people live and this is where the poor people live. I go to the bottom. You hollow out like a little oil derrick side on the side of a Sunday. That's always fun too.

This is where the rich people live and this is where the poor people live. You're building railroad tracks. And when they meet, I get the scoots. No, I never did reservoirs. I'd be willing to try that. I always just did it all over the place. Thank you for your thank you for me in the middle. Thank you for your diplomacy, I appreciate it. It's much needed in this trying time.

Ice cream, fantastic. And that was what, David Time, your third pick? Is that right? Yeah. Oh, easy, easy. This is maybe a lot of times the meal you have right after ice cream. Uh, oatmeal.

Sex? Sex? Oh, oatmeal, sex, sex. It was on my list. Yeah, that's why I asked. I was like, wait, are we churching up food or just anything? That was the first, that's why you add us. Make the list. I like that.

Yeah. Yeah. No, dude, that's a, that's a great big. Yeah. Yeah, buddy. You put a bunch of shit in there yeah, I I When I first moved before that I went on this crazy diet and oatmeal I would just have a bowl of oatmeal every day in the morning That's all I would have and so that was the one time when I could Do whatever I wanted with my like my food, I could put some fruit in there. I didn't really have a lot of wiggle room in the diet.

So yeah, like strawberries. What did you also eat, like tuna for lunch? Tuna fish, raw tuna fish sandwich for lunch. I ate two miles for dinner, and then chicken breast and green beans. And then I'd snack on crackers. And how long did you do that for? Six months or something?

Six months, it was crazy. I lost like 40 pounds and I'd run every day. You carved Nicole forever on your chest. I could do it now, my body, I would shake if I did it now, but my body wouldn't handle it. It's crazy to think about that that was a Sean that existed in Portland that I never met. You met me like right on the tail end of that

because I moved and I was so sloppy and everything was wrong. Like my hair was long but it looked like gross. It's that in between stage, yeah, where it's not quite long but it's not quite short. I just looked, like I honestly, I probably weighed 20 pounds more than I do right now, but it was different because it was all like pizza

and bartending weight, it just wasn't life weight. I just looked slovenly. And so yeah, I went on a crash diet and fixed it real quick. And then I looked way too skinny. Like my eyes were sunken in and it was odd looking. So I had to find that balance. Do you have a big head? I gotta send you a picture after this.

There's a photo of me where my neck looks like I'm fucking Mr. Garrison or something. Or Mr. Mackey, not Mr. Garrison, Mr. Mackey, he's the principal, right? In South Park? Yeah, yeah. Just a tiny little neck. Anyway, I'll send it to you.

But neither here nor there. Yes, oatmeal, oatmeal rules. What do you put in your oatmeal? What's your Mr. David's Borey special? Oh, I just usually put blueberries and like a little bit of like some brown sugar or something. Ooh, okay. Nothing crazy.

Just it warms you up. And don't get to use brown sugar a lot. It's one of the only brown sugar uses I got. Oh shit, brown sugar on an ice cream sundae. That and the bathtub. You sprinkle a little brown sugar in the bathtub, you'll be doing all right. Are you serious? I can never tell if you're joking.

You're like, it's a sugar scrub, Laura. What are you doing? This is how I start to make the butterscotch. This is how I drink. This is how I win. This is how I drink the bathtub water. What are you doing? This is how I start to make the butterscotch. This is how I drink. This is how I win. This is how I drink the bathtub water. What are you doing? Enjoying my house.

That's what I'm doing. Laura, I just learned a way to save a ton of money on water. We don't have car insurance anymore. I won't be driving anyway. I live in the bathtub now. I'll conduct my affairs as such. Keep it hot. Can I go grab a glass of water real fast?

Sure, go please. Don't stop while I just, right? Or do you want me to go for a break? Yeah, well, I'll grab a water too. Well, yeah, let's just take a break. Isaac, we're taking a break. Figure it out, Isaac. And we're back.

I think we took a break. Anyway, Isaac, that was an ad break. Zach, Zach, it is time for your third pick. Okay, my third pick. Gonna do it every time I go to the movie theater, popcorn. Yeah, dude. You're gonna, I think, much like a pizza, anything in a spice rack, I would put it on a pizza, put it on popcorn.

You ever put Parmesan cheese on a popcorn? Fuck. Oh, God. Or if you put the candy in the popcorn. Yeah. Put Reese's Pieces in there? There's this comedian, Matt Bearden, he lives in Austin, he rules.

He, years and years ago, we were there on a trip, and he showed us this video of this guy, Biker Fox, who was this like, one of the first viral internet dudes. He was just some old guy who could front flip over the handlebars on his bike. And so he would do that a bunch in these videos and then he'd cut to a little like interstitial of him being like, here's a little tip from your boy, Biker Fox.

And he'd open up a bag of popcorn, he's like, shake the Parmesan and the popcorn, close the bag, shake the bag up, then you got yourself parmesan popcorn. I was like, you did it, dude, you figured it out. You know, I had an ex-girlfriend show me a pretty good trick. When you go to the butter station. Send you a text of eating popcorn with a new boyfriend?

Yeah. Like, I learned this from you, Zach, thanks. She's like, I do like Phantom Thread actually. I just didn't like it with you. But when you take it up to the butter dispenser and you're always like, oh it covers the top level with butter but not the bottom. She would put a straw, she'd get a plastic straw

and put it at the bottom of the nozzle and then dip the straw into the popcorn thing so you could get it at every level. Kind of just move it up. Like Deep Horizon but for popcorn. Dude, she was fracking. She was fracking that popcorn for sure. Probably fracking that new dude too.

Yeah. Yeah. It's so cold. Yeah, no, that hot sauce, I'll do, it gets a little messy but I will, you sauce, I'll do, it gets a little messy, but I will, you know, I'll do that. That's a really fun one. Maybe you bring in a spice, maybe you bring in like that,

where they do, it's like where it's an everything bagel except the bagel, and then you just dump that on the popcorn. They'll, you know, now when you go to the theater, they'll have like the five different kinds of butter you can get in there, in their own little things. You can just, sometimes I'll just get a big popcorn and be like, give me one of each. And then I'll just make a little layer cake out of it.

Some of those places, like the bad day, used to have like onion powder. It had garlic powder. It had so many different things. It's unbelievable. Yeah, they're playing Nosferatu right now. I wanna go like see that sexy movie in that sexy theater. It seems fun to me.

By myself. You wanna see it again. I do, because I was like, This time not with your moms. Yes, I wanna not look over and see mom when I'm watching all this sexy stuff. I don't wanna be wearing pants when I'm seeing it. No, I just, yeah, I'd like to go,

it sounds crazy, but by myself. You just do the voice outside of theater trying to talk to women coming out like, do you want to come back to my apartment? I do buy this ticket of my own free will to this sexy movie without my mom. One ticket to sexy movie. Can I go to the movie alone?

My only free will. One adult and one bat. One adult please. Do rats have to pay tickets? You know last time we were at the bag that I was selling Laura this was like one of the only times I've ever like shot my shot with a girl but, I swear to God the bartender was feeling me.

And so I walked up and I gave her my number and I was like, if you ever feel like using this, go ahead and give me a call. I'm such a loser. I'm sure she told everyone at the theater, like you see that loser? That guy that did stand up in front of 10 people. If you're ever in a crank situation,

you need to keep your heart beat up. Yeah. Call this number. I gotta, if you gotta stay above 86, I don't actually know the numbers. I don't know the numbers. I got a bike you can borrow. Oh man, that was funny. Yeah, popcorn, obviously.

Fantastic. Yeah, yeah. I'm getting all my peas. I got three peas. Pasta, pizza, popcorn. How you do? All right, I'm gonna go, I'm gonna say chips.

Oh. Like nachos? Cause it did? Yeah, you can just, you can make nachos and you can just say, it's basic and I wondered if this would work, but you know, chips and then everything you do to them, that's churchin' them up.

Yeah, okay. Oh no. Does it look like it's gonna count? No, I'm not gonna be the arbiter. I was just, when you first said chips, I just imagine you putting seasoning into a chip bag and be like, I make them different here. People are like, why? Just put a bunch of black be like, I make them different.

People are like, why? You know, a bunch of black pepper all over a bunch of chips. Dump those Doritos out and put ruffles in there. Now we're talking. Let the ruffle dust. My big reveal is I have a party with a bunch of chips, like a bunch of bags of chips, different chips. Yeah, yeah. That would really imagine how much that would freak people out if they just

pulled it back into Rito's that you like, because you could almost vacuum seal it back shut. Yeah, yeah. They open it and it's full of ruffles and you're like, no! And just act like everyone's an accident, like, well, we gotta turn these in. That would be so ruffles.

I would like that, I would like that. It's a pretty fun idea. So chips and cheese in the microwave, what's your move? Yeah, chips and cheese, I mean, throw some ground beef on there, it's always pretty fun idea. What's the- So chips and cheese in the microwave, what's your move? Yeah, chips and cheese. I mean, throw some ground beef on there. It's always a good time. But real basic, like just the plate of the tostinos, like tortilla chips or whatever.

What's your chip? Like the rounds? Like the T, is it tostinos, right? The round, the little guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Little Susan B. Anthony sized. And like a layer of cheese all over them and then you microwave that

and then just sriracha all over the top. You got yourself a nice little snack. Nothing crazy, really easy. And it's good for you. That's the thing about all this stuff. All my picks, they're all really good for you. Yeah, that's the important part. And it's healthy. You're just the important part. And it's healthy.

You're just on a cooking segment, and it's healthy. I mean, you know I used to have Chef Sean when I was on OWL TV back in high school. Oh, that's right, I did know that. These are hot, did I tell you the one that got cut, the one that wouldn't let me air? No. So I would just make basic, you know,

spaghetti-os and stuff. And so one episode, I filmed myself in a bathrobe and I came out of the bedroom, I was like, oh hey, what's going on? I didn't see you guys there. And I went into the kitchen all sexy, I was like, that's how you make fettuccine Alfredo. And then I just, I put in some noodles in a pot,

just what I described earlier, made the shittiest fettuccine Alfredo. And then in the middle of it I was like, what's that baby? I'll be back in a minute and then and I like poured all the Alfredo in and I backed in I was like I gotta go and I slid back into the bedroom and shut the door And I pitched that I gave it to our TV media guy and he's like what? We can't put this on high school

We can't put this on high school acts that no sir. That is hilarious though. It was. That's actually really really funny man. It was dude. I would have laughed. It would have been hilarious. Everybody would have laughed. That's what I was trying to tell him.

What was your principal's name? If you would have been like, I'll be back Miss Belvedere. Just give me a few minutes. Like yeah. What was your name? I can't remember your name. Might have been a dude. It didn't matter. I was a few minutes. Yeah, you make. Oh, his name, I can't remember his name. Might've been a dude, but it didn't matter. I was a sexual being.

Yeah. But yeah, our TV media teacher would, because we had one that was, well, whatever, I'm mincing details now, but anyway, yeah, they wouldn't let that be on the air. So yeah, just chips, church enough chips. Next one I'm gonna pick, I'm gonna throw liquid in there. I'm gonna pick coffee.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Coffee's a great pick. Coffee is one of my favorite things currently to make my own around the Christmas, around the Christmas, around Christmas, you put a little nutmeg in there, you get like the spices, you can make it taste like Christmas. It's so fun, I've been into oat milk lately,

big oat milk guy, low on the sugar, I usually don't put any sugar in there. And one of my favorite things is watching the cream mix with the coffee. I bet it is. Whoa, dude. 2007 called. Pretty sexual today.

You're like getting into latte art now. Just ask in Portland of all places, like you guys ever heard of this latte art? You make this look like a leaf, you know that? It's fucking crazy. Doesn't have to be all dumb looking. Anyway, yeah, coffee, nothing crazy there. Zach, fourth pick.

Well, I'm gonna take the non-coffee drinker's version of that and I'm gonna pick hot chocolate. Oh, I love churchin' up a hot chocolate. Damn it, that's bad. Maybe you put some extra little different kind of chocolate in there. That's good. Fuck you. Fuck you.

Maybe you put the, maybe you get the mini marshmallows, some kind of, or you just get the fluff, like the marshmallow fluff, or you make your own whipped cream, or you have whipped cream. Maybe put some sprinkles. How do you make your own whipped cream? Heavy whipping cream and powdered sugar, I think? What's heavy whipping cream? I thought that was whipped cream.

No, it's more liquid. Yeah, you gotta whip it. So what is it? Is it liquid? Yeah, it's cream. No, it's like, oh. It's just like. It's like thicker than milk.

Okay, so like it's in the middle of milk and whipped cream and then you whip it and then it turns into. Yeah, you just get like an egg beater. Yeah, I think it's like heavier than Happy Bats. You've never made whipped cream? No, I don't like whipped cream all that much. Really? Oh, interesting.

Sometimes you can, oh, dude, you put strawberries in the whipped cream, you make it strawberry whipped cream, oh man. No, I don't, I don't, not enough there for me. No, no, doesn't do much. Not enough there for me. I like the CO2 doesn't do much. Not enough there for me. I like the CO2. It's wet, huh?

I like the Wipp-It inside. Yeah, man, I had some hot chocolate at the zoo. We went to Zoo Lights last week. Oh, dude, that's, yeah. Oh, we went to the Botanical Gardens at night. I had a loaded up hot apple cider though. It's still really good. Ooh.

That's what I wanted. Yeah. And we didn't have it, so we got the cocoa. But it's total commercial style. Yeah. So we got the cocoa, but it's total commercial style. Like I was warming my hands with it and I was just like, just being all cozy. Like, oh, isn't this fun? It's just like a bunch of oohs and ahs. And as a non-coffee drinker, sometimes getting a hot chocolate, you get a pat. Like people don't know it's a hot chocolate. It just looks like a coffee drink. So you're kind of like fitting in. You get like a decaf, you just don't

like coffee. No, you know what? there is one drink I'll do at Starbucks, but it's like a white chocolate mocha, and that's just because it doesn't really taste like coffee to me, it just tastes like a dessert drink that's hot, so I'll do that. Nice hot dessert drink, I like it. Exactly. You get a pass with your boy, I'm a big latte art guy,

so I can't like it. It's brown, it's warm, it'll get you there. I'm a little more mature than a hot dessert drink. Okay, but yeah, I get it. I like to read mine under. Laura, do you want chips for dinner? Listen, I just go into Starbucks, order my latte art, crack a thousand pounds of hot dog

or whatever book I'm reading. Throw these chips in the thing that you make the sandwiches hot in. Hey, where's the chip cooker at? Let's go to Home Depot, get a new chip cooker. They're on sale for like two grand. Yeah. What were we?

So it's David's fourth and fifth. Hot chocolate, David fourth. Okay. Final pick. So tell me, does this work? Because I feel like you buy this thing and then you always build a meal around it. Like you never just eat this one thing. I'm taking a rotisserie chicken. Oh You know what I mean?

And then if you got some salad or you got some kind of a side or even if you're gonna put it in Soup or something. Sorry burped even if you're gonna put yeah, even if you're gonna put it in a sandwich It's just I feel if you're gonna put, yeah, even if you're gonna put it in a sandwich or something, it's just, I feel like you're never ju- Obviously, some of the time is spent huddling over the bag. Yeah, like, three o'clock in the morning. Three o'clock in the morning. There's a time period for that.

Yeah. Fully naked, post-coital. You get your hands- You rip a leg up. No napkins in sight. Yeah. You're like, I'm already- I'm already greased up. On your way to the shower, you're like, I might as well make a pit stop real quick. Who's gonna know the fucking difference? The chicken just sliding off your skin?

That is like, that's some animal shit though. That's a good one though. I didn't think about a rotisserie chicken. Yeah, it's like, cause we just got one the other day, and I felt like, because man, the ones at Costco smell so good. Yeah. So it's like, we get it, pick at it a little bit while we're putting the food away. And then next it's like in conjunction with a lunch or a dinner. Oh dude, broccoli, fried rice. Yeah.

Oh, my mom made a, like a Costco chicken stretch, like three days. Yeah. And it was like, by the third day it was like, yeah, she was just like, oh, I made like a lime chicken stretch like three days. Yeah. And it was like, by the third day, it was like, yeah, she was just like, oh, I made like a lime chicken soup. Yeah, you can do anything with it. All the parts of the chicken we didn't eat was so good. And then, like, once you think you're done with it,

then you like shred it all up, get what you can, put that in some Tupperware, that'll get you another day probably. Like, instead of keeping the whole rotiss in there, because it looks a little grimy after a couple days if you don't put it into something else. Yeah, you don't want it connected to the carcass after that first day.

I wanna see it picked apart. No, no, that's bad. I look, God, one of the college dorms I lived at, someone just baked a whole ham, and it just, like, we didn't plate it up, we didn't carve it, people were just walking by and taking, like, picking off pieces. Ripping handfuls off of it. People were just walking by and taking, like picking off pieces and it just looked- Ripping handfuls off of it.

Oh dude, it looks so gnarly after that first day. Just a bunch of horny dudes with handfuls of ham. Here, I'll take this corner. Walking around watching Jay and Silent Bob strike back. Dude trying to download the picture of Janet Jackson from the Super Bowl. Tearing off corners of ham. Somebody in there had to have been named Hambone

or something. Oh, Hammy. Yeah, Hammy. It's just cause he likes ham sandwiches, right? Cause Spon made a bunch of ham sandwiches. That's the best kind of nickname where you're like, oh, it's exactly what I would have thought. Yeah, yeah.

No deviousness. Yeah, rotisserie chicken, perfection. Where are they in Costco? I never see them. Just back with all the other, back by the- Probably because they're sold out. Them things move. Yeah.

It's back by the- You know what I've been dancing around meat section? I've been dancing around getting, you know how they got their chicken bakes? They got like- I never fuck with those though. They have pretty good. Bree they got their chicken bakes? They got like, I never fuck with those though. They have freezer 12 packs of those and I'm like, that would take up our whole freezer,

but I think those things are so good. Dude, that cafe. But that's a big choice where you're like, hey, I've decided our whole freezer is gonna be this until I'm done with them. That cafe is worth the price of membership alone. Dude, a dog and a soda for a buck 50 still? Those very berry Sundays? Like you said, a chicken bake? They for a buck 50 still? Those very berry sundaes?

Like you said, a chicken bake? They got those mocha drinks too. And if you're not an absolute dipshit, it's pretty easy to order. Sometimes people just don't understand what they're doing, but you'd be in and out of there in 35 seconds if you get a dog. We have cheese or pepperoni pizza, that's it.

And if you get the dogs or the pizza, those go right to the top of the list. So it's funny, they'll be calling like 87 and I'll be 106 and then I'll call them. Yeah, yeah. You're like, oh shit, we shot up there. We shot up there. Stock's rising.

Yeah, rotisserie chicken. And David, your final pick of the Foods You Can Church Up draft, what do you got? It's very similar to one of my other picks, but it's just the last thing I got. I got all the stuff I wanted. Yugget. Oh, yeah.

Uh huh. Oh, I don't, yeah, I don't, I don't fuck with yogurt too much. Oh, really? What's your yogurt? Not like I don't like it, I just don't, I don't know why. I like to put granola and blueberries in there. Oh, okay. Do you have a brand you like? Or a style? I like to put granola and blueberries in there. Oh, okay.

Do you have a brand you like for a style? It's like the Costco brand, like keto honey crunch, granola is really good. And then just regular, oh, you mean, oh, just like plain Greek. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. I went on a... Or like sometimes you get the hotel

that has continental breakfast and they'll have the yogurt bar Yeah, you talk about the M Club, baby where they just had the yo plays in the freezer for us. That was different That was different. You know that was different. It's like was it in How was that sketch show where he's like it's like go Gert but to stay Would say I think it was key and peel but to stay. That sounds like something Hank Hill would say. I think it was Key and Peele. Yeah man, I went on a big Yo Play kick for a while because I thought it was good for you.

Like Boston cream pie flavored yogurt. Oh, they really, there are some other end yogurts where you're like, this is just dessert. Chobani? Yeah, because they're like, oh, it's yogurt, it's gotta be good. And you're like, orange creamsicle normally isn't good for me.

Yeah, yeah. Key lime pie. Uh-huh. I was fucking up those Chobanis And you're like orange creamsicle. Do normally isn't good for me. Yeah, yeah I was fucking up those Chubanis where it had all had the fruit at the bottom. Oh Chobani fruit at the bottom is fire Yeah, those are those are good Yeah, those are no I'm thinking a yolk what is it starts with a Z Chobani is kind of bigger Yeah, Chobani is like a kind of a whiter cup. Is there like a Zorko or something? Yeah. Yeah, there is one, the protein one. Yeah, yeah.

Because those ones are decent. They're like good for probiotics and stuff. I'm here for Zorko. Excuse me. Excuse me. Where's Zorko? Where's your fucking Zorko at? Okay.

I think I saw Zorko leave the bar with my wife last night. Where is the Zorko? Looking for Captain Zorko. Yeah, yogurt. Fantastic. Zach, final pick. Final pick? I'm going sandwiches.

I always church up a sandwich. My favorite move is I go to a Jimmy John's, get the sandwich, I'll have them, put some toppings, but then when I bring it home, that's when I'm applying some oil and vinegar, some salt and pepper. You are one of the only people I've ever known in my life that can actually wait for fast food. Oh yeah, he does this too. I see you bring it home and then just do like

a series of other things. Yeah, take a shower, work out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're gonna come out with like a Netflix mini-docu-series about how you treat your food. Oh dude, I'm like a serial killer. I like to watch it, the life go out of its eyes. You just chain it up and tell it,

you're like, you're never gonna see your parents again. I put on a video camera, I put a tripod in front of it. If you do this right, you can go home in two weeks and the food's just like, no, you're lying. I know you're lying. Dude, I'll put one of my favorite toppings or to church up a sandwich is, like you said earlier, crushed up chips.

Oh yeah, crushed up chips. Gives it texture, gives some, chips got their flavor on their own. Oh man, I fucking, I love it. Lot better than lettuce. People are like, I want the crunch. I'm like, why don't you put some chips on it? Oh yeah, I like both.

I like a little less of a chip. A lettuce is doing nothing for me except getting soggy. No, I never think of the lettuce as a crisp. Like a crunch to it. I take the lettuce off so quick most of the time, it's not even funny. It's offensive where I'm just like, get that off of there. Sometimes they give you so much lettuce

it does feel offensive. Where you're like, what? If I'm gonna get lettuce, I want a big piece of lettuce. I don't want a bunch of shredded lettuce. Oh, you don't like it shredded? Well, cause it grosses me out. When there's a piece of shredded lettuce hanging off the sandwich, to me,

it looks like if I had a piece of food hanging out of my mouth and it's just grossed. Oh, I see. I don't like the consistency of it. And then there's like a little sauce will get caught up and a drip will formulate. And that makes me want to puke thinking about it right now. I just, sometimes those, you get those sandwiches

and you're like, if I took all the lettuce off the sandwich, it's depleted by like 55%, like the height of the sandwich. And that's when I get upset. That's where I'm like, so this is basically nothing. Basically, this is nothing. Basically, I'm thirsty. That's a little. But yeah, I love a church-up sandwich.

Yeah, sandwiches, I mean, I usually take them how they come. I don't have a lot of patience with, if I get food. What if you have a condiment at home that you're like, no, this would go better? You're right. Immediately, you're right.

I do that all the time. I guess I just don't put anything on the sandwich, but I will get five bottles out of the fridge, five different things. Like if I got a footlong, I can do seriously five. I'm like, all right, this is gonna be the teriyaki section. This is the Buffalo section. And it doesn't matter what sandwich.

It could be a meatball sub. It's a UN subway. Yeah, I'm gonna have a summit when I get home. We will now hear from the delegation from Africa. Oh, that's so rude. This is the jerk section. Yep. You start speaking with a patois.

Fantastic, all right, my final pick. Very pedestrian, but I'm gonna say a tortilla shell. I do so much with a tortilla. Is that different than chips? Yeah, like the things I roll up and dip in Alfredo sauce. Oh, oh, like a soft shell. Like a soft, like a soft tortilla. Okay, so a shell made me think hard. No, like a tortilla, sorry.

So like, but anything, it's another one of those where you get like a can of refried beans and some cheese and some shells. I've eaten for a day off of that stuff. Oh yeah, you can really, if you have like a salad from lunch and then like Euro meat from the night before, you're like, yeah, I can make this happen.

You just make it a wrap. Any protein and vegetable goes in there? This is the closest to cheating, I think, in this entire, because being like, well, because that is what makes these other foods. But the way that I will do it, maybe it'll grow some people out, but I'll do it with any.

I mean, I will get out, I did it just the other day. I did the fettuccine sauce in Alfredo, because we had some, and it's still good. I just rolled it up, I dipped it in the cold Alfredo sauce, it's fantastic. I did it with nacho cheese the other night because we had some, my sister brought over some chip dip. I'll just put, I'll sprinkle some tapatillo on it.

I rolled that up. Your sister brought dip from South Dakota? Where'd Oklahoma come from? I don't know. I don't know what to say. It's been 10 years. South Oklahoma? She came here and they went grocery shopping

and she just got a bunch of stuff for the hotel that they didn't use. I got a 20 ounce Mountain Dew, a huge bag of chips. Oh no. They didn't use that? What am I gonna do with all this stuff? Ah shit. You're really throwing me.

Laura. You're throwing me off kilter here, Alex. Laura, my whole night's busy now. I gotta stay out in the garage. I'm gonna be at the tool bench all night. Hey, I'm just a guy that doesn't know how to work on stuff. Sorry, Sean. I'm gonna go to the tool bench.

We took this jar of Alfredo sauce to the hotel room, but we couldn't find a use for it. The room temperature Alfredo is what is jarring to me. Cause I just think about the texture would be more gelatinous than it is like a dip. Yeah, that is what's hard about it. And you can get globs of it. Globs of it.

You don't like, you like dry foods, but you like globs. You know, that's why, that's why my wife loves me so much. Cause I'm a mystery. You're sicko mode. Hey, Laura, you might want to go to the bedroom. I'm going to go sicko mode on the Alfredo socks real quick. I just put on a clockwork orange. That's what I told my mom when I was going to J.O.

I'm going sicko mode on the Alfredo socks. Mom, come get my laundry. I went sicko mode on the Alfredo sauce. Mom, come get my laundry. I went sicko mode on all my socks. It's Alfredo sauce. Oh, that's so funny. There's speckles in it. Man, I remember not to get too crass, but I think back, I'm like, boy,

that had to be crazy doing my laundry for me when I was like 16, 15, 16. Marshawn's t-shirt's crispy. You're like, she'll never know. That ain't just me. That had to be crazy doing my laundry for me when I was like 16 T-shirts crispy The audacity of not ever being like hey we teach me how to do laundry so I can do it myself Yeah, that's I learned I do I knew how to do my own laundry at that point same I've been doing my own laundry since like middle school Same well la ti da No, I just knew I Some of us were having sex, some of us were

learning real life skills. Like laundry. It's different. While you were walking home, walk a shame, smoking a cigarette, going back to third grade or whatever. Just being like, how do I do laundry? I was learning about color safe bleach. I'm sorry, professor. All the history knowledge got fucked out of me last night. Sorry, I just, I don't know where Gettysburg is, but. Oh man. But I know how to get Gettysburg.

Can I tell you guys something funny? Uh huh, please. So I've been waiting to do this bit the whole time. I fired up my, I got a headset, a VR headset a while back. Long story short, to have a headset, you have to make a Facebook. So I made a burner Facebook account to use the headset. And I've been going through Sean's Facebook to find back when you used to post jokes on Facebook and I think I found the perfect one.

January 2nd. Isaac get ready to cut this. I thought you were saying January 6th. January 6th. This is hilarious. That's all I type. These cucks don't know what to do. No it's not even that bad but January 2nd 2012.

Can I rent a DVD from a Redbox in Sioux Falls and return it in Portland? Live free or die hard man. I gotta watch it. Where were you gonna watch it on the plane? I was gonna watch it on the plane on my computer. That's so funny. Man, that was a long bit. Oh my God. That's almost as bad as when Shane tweeted, hey, has anyone seen my keys?

I remember, I felt so bad. He accidentally dumped all of his, I think he was on a plane, I think. I think it was A Delta, have you seen my keys? But he, and this no shade on Shane, he happened to be the one that did this. I felt so bad, we're all at dinner. And he accidentally sent all of his drafts out at once.

I don't even know how it happened. And so Twitter just blew up and it was posted from shows from like six years ago. Like for shows we didn't even do anymore and I'm like oh man. Because there probably was like a send all option. I remember when I first had to like, I remember teaching Todd Berry in Sioux Falls

how Twitter worked. We were sitting at dinner and he's like, what is, what am I doing? What are we doing? What is this? And I'm like I barely know. Because it was back when you had to like, if you put the at first, then they would only see it,

like the whole, I remember. I remember that. Yeah, I remember that. So if you didn't put hat, like, hey, at David, if you just put at David, only you would see it. Right, right. Those like real bare bones of Twitter back in the day. My first tweets were like, am I doing this right?

Whatever. My grandma just told me, am I doing this right? Whatever. My grandma just told me to go back to my computer job because there's no way I can make money telling jokes. Just some good holiday back and forth with the fam. Dude, they didn't know. You should print that out and bring it back. She did tell me that. What about now, bitch?

You know what is sweet is Funches said, fish think everyone should swim, but you a bird. You fly. Thanks, Ron. Yeah, dude. They, I remember- I think I'm getting to eat dinner at Liquor Lyle's from now on. I love this because it's just real updates about your life. Yeah. It's super literal.

You called me in 2011. Stacker Liles isn't even around anymore. They had two purrs all the time. Because you didn't eat lunch there. This one just says drunk. What was the date? November 4th, 2011. Yeah, it checks out.

Anywhere in that decade. Crazy stupid lover, Ides of March. Which one am I gonna watch tonight? Do you remember which one you went with? I'm sure it was crazy stupid. It was a gosselin night either way. I was probably just trying to look cool. I probably wanted someone to see that. Do you remember those posts where you're like,

I want someone to see this? Yeah, she's gotta see it. She's gotta see cool. I probably wanted someone to see that. You remember those posts where you're like, I want someone to see this? Yeah, she's gotta see it. She's gotta see it. I probably watched funny people in Drink of 40 that night. Don't read either, come over. That's what you're waiting for? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, oh yeah.

Every now and again, I would accidentally, this is so crazy. Look, if I wanted to DM someone at whatever, midnight, I'd just send a dot, like a period. And then if there was a response, we could turn it into a conversation. But if there wasn't, and the next day I'd be like, oh crazy, what an accident.

Oh god, the accidental message. Like you thought she believed that? Oh man, I didn't even mean to, but what's up? It would never be words, it would just be that. So at least in my mind I'm like, oh I just screwed up by accident. You fucking dumbass. David, did we ever tell you when me and Sean

were in Minneapolis together, we did shows at Sisyphus. Wait, hold on, can I just say one thing though? Yeah, yeah, go for it. I've wanted to perform improv for eight years now, dream come true today, I love life. Is that what you meant, Laura? Oh, add an improv, that's my fault. Oh add an oh that was when so that makes

Doug when was a date on that? Pretty stoked that someone broke in last night and stole my laptop and he is too. Oh shit. I remember that Yeah, that was after you guys were everything you guysaming that night. We went outside and for about 10 seconds we were looking at each other like we were gonna fight because we were so mad. And then we were getting froggy. We were just mad and so we didn't know what to do with that energy because it was my very first purchase ever

that I made on my own, whereas that was the first big thing I ever bought and I had it for about three weeks. And then you left it instead of bringing it with you because you thought oh That's the same room in the apartment. Yeah, yeah, you know, of course I thought that and then they stole so they stole his laptop and my bag with my laptop in it and Pretty sure was an inside job. But anyway, yeah

I'm doing we had to yeah Shane, but we went outside We were both just so mad and we looked at each other and we were about to say something. Like I think one of us was gonna like blame the other one. Like why do you lock the fucking door or something? Something like that. And then one of us punched the dumpster. I can't remember who. One of us punched the dumpster really hard. Hard enough to where we both started laughing

because we're just not aggressive and then it was fine. And then I remember the cops came and right away the cop walks up, he's like, are you drunk? And I go, yeah. What does that have to do with anything? It's three in the morning and I'd like, it was crazy. Just a cop where I'm like, why,

why you gotta be such a cop about it right now? Like yes, I am, I'm sorry. I know that's not great, but I'm also 28. I mean, it's not crazy. It's a Tuesday, I'm not at work. And you said, if you haven't fucked with Breaking Bad season four, go ahead and fuck with it. This is so fun.

I love units though. They needed that support. I still have all, like, all of, Laura and I's, all of our correspondents on Facebook, and I swore so much in those early messages. That's so funny. I sound like such a loser. And now, I know we're so well. I'm like, why in the world did you not just never talk to me again? You know, it'd be like, hey, what's up or something?

And she'd say something, I was like, oh yeah, I had a pretty good fucking time last night. I'm just like, what a loser. What'd you do last night? I just fucking went to bed. I'm just like, what a loser. Why? What'd you do last night? I just fucking went to bed. It's so stupid.

It's so, it's so, I guess cringy to read, for lack of a better term. Cowboys and Aliens is the first movie in a long time where the trailer doesn't give up what's going on at the end. I said that? Yeah! Whoa! I've never even seen Cowboys and Aliens. Fuck a shower. what's going on at the end. I said that? Yeah. Whoa. Never even seen cowboys in aliens. Fuck a shower, let's get day drunk and right.

What? This is awesome. Me and my Kerouac face. This is awesome. Oh my God. You know what I had for dinner tonight? A great fucking time at the Hollywood theater. I know we gotta go, I know I gotta stop. for dinner tonight a great fucking time at the Hollywood theater I

Know we gotta go I know I gotta stop all of all of that unnecessary is wearing just it's oh, it's so gross a Lot of chickens clucking down 23rd today Lot of girls out That's how Too Short said it. Well, that's been the draft. Yeah, I think we did. Your first message to Laura was like, hey chicken head. I just hit her up, hey cluck cluck.

Oh, what a loser. This is why, if ever, people wonder why I'm happy all the time, this is why. Because these posts, the dude that David's reading these posts from could have turned out a lot different a lot of ways. Oh yeah, yeah. So this is why I'm happy. That and many other reasons, but anyway, to recap.

Just heard a toilet flush, it sounded like the beginning of Janet Jackson's Black Cat song. What? I don't really. Pretty specific. Even if that was 12 years ago, that's still 20 years after Black Cat came out.

Yeah, it was a weird move. It makes me so glad mine is deleted, because I had some bad... Yeah, I've gone through... I don't... I don't want to get... whatever. Anyway. Man, you're really going back there, because I'm trying to scroll through and I'm still in 2024. I was trying to do the bits from when this episode started. I thought it would be a little... Gotcha.

Gotcha. I don't think the bit came off as funny as I wanted it to, but now it's just funny to be deep. I didn't add you as a friend because it's only a burner, but... Yeah. What's your name on there? I'm not telling on here. David Bori without the G?

I'm not telling on here. All rightori without the G. I'm not telling on here. All right, well let me recap real quick. David, you went first. You picked eggs, ice cream, oatmeal, rotisserie chicken, and a yogurt. Zach, you went second. You picked pasta, pizza, popcorn, hot chocolate, and sandwiches.

I came third. Baked potatoes, hot dog, chips, coffee, and tortillas. Well-rounded picks. everybody got the point. Hit us with your picks if we missed anything. I don't think we missed a ton. I mean, I had burgers on there. I had ramen. You know, bread, toast, chili.

I had cereal, but then I was like, I don't really do anything to cereal, but you can in theory. But I don't. What are you laughing at? Is it another post? Sioux Falls, hear me now. I'll be back home tonight in that Tommy Jacks at 11 p.m.

Strap those gnarly boots on and roll down for the buckness. It's not even for stand up, it's just for coming. That's just for chilling. He just went to a bar. That ain't too far off. I mean, I'd stand by that one. That's what happened. Drop the kids off at the babysitter.

Sean's coming back to Tommy J's. You know, I just, I was just standing. Who's that guy? Is it the last dragon? Who's that? Can you dig it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's who I'm thinking about when I say that. Hear me now. You're yeah. That's who I'm thinking about when I say that. Hear me now. You're doing your fat toile. Hear me now.

Man. Oh man, this is so funny. Well, yes. Shout out to everybody, thank you for listening. Shout out to the AFV subreddit. Shout out to everybody on the Patreon. Thank you so much for holding us down. We still have three tour apps coming out.

We got two Chicago's and a Minneapolis. We're gonna drop those like once a month for the next three months. And then, you know, keep your ear to the streets. Might be some more live, you know, maybe Los Angeles dates coming at you or something like that. There could be something like that.

This is coming from one of splashlife.com's 30 under 30 comedians to watch, John Jordan. Dude, I was on that list with some people where I'm like, wow, where'd you get the list? Hannibal was on there, Amy Schumer was on there, but then like me and Katie Wynn were on there I think. It's just, I was like, it was interesting. But yeah, I remember that.

That was the first like real thing I thought was a credit was that thing, that splash life. Anyway, hop over on the page here. You should still put that on your thing. Like 30 under 30. Some people still do it. Yeah. Splash Life is, it's gone.

Of course it is. I'm like, I'm 43. I've had people say it. Man. But yeah, hop on to the Patreon. We're having a good time. There's so much stuff up there. Even if you join right now, you get,

I think there's almost 670 posts now. All the old mail bags, all the old auctions, everything. So hop on there. And yeah, shout out to, you know, shout out to Dope Foods that can be churched up. Shout out to the boys, thanks for coming on today. Shout out to Sid the Dude, shout out to Haji Beach, shout out to Frankie Ocean, shout out to Saint Sue Carmel.

More important than all that, tune in again next week for another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. That was a HeadGum Podcast. Hi, I'm Caleb Herron, host of the So True Podcast now on HeadGum. Every week me and my guests get into it and we get down to what's really going on. I ask them what's so true to them, how they got to where they are in life, a bunch of other questions, and we also may or may not test their general trivia knowledge. Whether it's one of my sworn enemies like Brittany Broski or Drew Alfualo

or my actual biological mother, Kelly, my guests and I are just after the truth. And if we find it great, and if not, no worries. So subscribe to So True on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts and watch video episodes on the So True With Caleb Herron YouTube channel. New episodes drop every Thursday. Love ya!