All Fantasy Everything - Irrational Fears (w/ Katie Nolan, Zak Toscani, and Sean Jordan)

Episode Date: September 28, 2023

My irrational fear is that this podcast gets renamed to All Reality Everything, a news show about current events.Episode Guest:Katie Nolan @katienolan (IG: @natiekolan)Zak Toscani @zak_toscani (IG: @zaktoscani)Support the show!Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for ad-free episodes, mailbags, and video pre-rolls. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy. Follow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel @IanKarmel (IG: @IanKarmel)Sean Jordan @SeanSJordan (IG: @SeancougarmelonJordan)David Gborie (IG: @Coolguyjokes87)Isaac K. Lee @IsaacKLee (IG: @IsaacKLee)See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. This is all fantasy everything. The podcast that fantasy drafts anything and everything from the world of pop culture. On today's episode, we're drafting irrational fears with, how to even explain, the dearest friends of the podcast, two of our absolute favorite people on the planet Earth, Katie Nolan and Zach Toscani. I'm your host, Ian Carmel. With me, as always, is my friend and comedian, Sean Jordan. David Borey, currently in a hot air balloon, hovering above the jungles of Bolivia. Let's get into it. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Things Everything, the podcast that is polishing

off a bowl of Oregon hazelnuts right now. And there's a couple macadamias mixed in there. Let's not act like there aren't. Sure. Let's not act like there aren't. I'm nuts about it. Shaklackity. Thanks for listening.

That's it. Why isn't anyone else talking? I feel like I've done the nuts thing I don't have a bowl of nuts so I don't know what you want me to add looks good Ian what kind of socialist what kind of socialist garbage is this where I have to provide if you want nuts

you go out there and you dig them up shake them shake them off a tree where i have to be so hungry to eat a bowl of nuts like to actually want it you know it's really well nobody wants it but it's like uh it's a good filler food it's a good snack that doesn't make you feel bad about yourself and if you feel like it you can even feel good be like oh it's got omega threes or whatever they have yeah it's got omega three or if you're at a party and be like, oh, it's got omega threes or whatever they have sometimes in nuts. Or if you're at a party and you're like on the, you know how like the snacks are in the kind of the center of the party,

kind of near the outskirts, kind of usually where I am, that's where you're going to find a bowl of nuts. A lot of poop in that bowl, though, they say. Yeah. A lot of poop in that bowl. Fecal matter. Do you have any fecal matter in your nuts, Ian? Yeah, of course. The ones you're eating. I mean, they're right next door.

Trader Joe's does a fecal matter sort of like shake you can do. Like a furikake? Yeah, exactly. Furikake. I was right there. I don't know why I'm upset with myself about it.

We're all upset with you. I'm not. that's my rational fear what a segue she's a professional that's a pretty rational fear that everybody's mad at me yeah i know oh damn no i've never you know i've never turned into a real surly i want to use the word surly stupid as we went over big headed yeah that fat, old... Out of shape. Stinky? Did we say stinky? We almost don't need to, but since this is an audio medium,

we should point out that he is stinky. I lie a lot now. Shirlish? You lie a lot now. Lie a lot now. Or do I? What? Who's to say? Ungovernable?

Yeah. Can't keep me in the box, man. Certainly uncoachable. Uncoachable. Oh, yeah. But a raw athlete just a near-do-well near-do-well

yeah yeah yeah for a while he was a seldom-do-well and he's transitioned fully into a near-do-well near-do-well fascinating to me because why

when did we start removing a consonant and going vowel to vowel that's the opposite of what an apostrophe is supposed to do which is like don't gets rid of the O.

I also thought as a kid, like, near to well was, you're like, hey, he's trying his best. He's nearest to doing well. Like, N-E-A-R, you know? Instead, it's this New England lighthouse keeper fucking word. Hey, near to well. You know

what bothers me is that prohibited means you can't do it, but it's got pro in it. It's always bothered me. It's prohibited in you. Thank you for that peek into your brain. Always bothered. My big brain. Well, it's actually a real small brain in a big vessel. Tiny brain. A lot of cushion in there. Just one nut rolling around in a hole. Tiny brain,

big head. Now you're speaking my language. I can understand that metaphor. brain big head now you're speaking my language I can understand that metaphor I've moved it so we do the

we do the plugs after the first break which is just riveting it's like reinventing the medium really amazing Hollywood Reporter

is doing like a sort of like three I mean it's spread out over three four different issues sort of like ten thousand I mean, it's spread out over three, four different issues, sort of like 10,000 words, each issue on it.

And then you'll see that I'm doing a book on with Harper Collins about it, which you'll get into it even deeper. But for now, just so everybody knows, but Sean Jordan is here. Sean is Jordan on Twitter. Sean Cougar, Mel Jordan on Instagram.

Katie Nolan is here. Katie Nolan on Twitter. Nady colon on Instagram. Keep you on your toes. If you can even believe that for half a second. And Zach Toscani is here. Zach Toscani on Twitter. Zach Toscani on Instagram. That is correct.

How's everybody doing? Good, man. I'm chilling. I'm doing great. Back in Dayton, Ohio, you know where I graduated college I went to my old the old mall I work at

it's very different is that where the malls can be sad? yeah yeah when someone tried to steal a Deuce McAllister jersey that's where I worked

a solid gold was it Deuce McAllister? it was a solid gold Saints jersey authentic this guy put it on tried to walk out the store. It was like, pick a different jersey. Maybe he just assumed it was free.

That's more likely. He's like, you're giving these out, right? You couldn't be asking for money. The loudest, heaviest jersey you could put on. Yeah. I think he just liked the name, Deuce McAllister. Yeah. Deuce McAllister is a great name.

Yeah. That's like a gumshoe detective. Yeah. Could be a crooked politician, too. It could be a professional pool player. Boy detective. Oh. Girl detective. Oh.

Oh. Someone's writing a YA novel. What'd you say? And it got claps. I want to know. I said boy detective, and then I said girl detective. Oh, shoot. Major got claps. I want to know. I said boy detective and then I said girl detective. Oh, shoot. Major feminism win. I should have said thank you sooner. A boy detective. God, that'd be so

just going to a private eye like, now is it mainly boy detectives or girl detectives? He's so bummed out. Can I request a boy detective? I'd like a boy detective, please. Girl detectives make me nervous. I just vibe with them. They're all scary. I don't boy detective, please. Girl detectives make me nervous. I just vibe with them. They're scary.

I don't like a girl detective. Girl detectives are scary. Kay, how's your summer been? You know, really uneventful. I was just thinking about that. Somebody asked me, how was your summer? I'm like, oh, I don't. When you don't really leave your house,

the season doesn't matter. It doesn't matter at all. Summer just means hot walks for Myrtle. That's it. Yeah. I've been going on some hot walks myself. You know what I means hot walks for Myrtle. That's it. Yeah. I've been going on some hot walks myself. Yeah.

You always, all your walks are hot. Yeah. What do they call that on TikTok? Isn't that like a Hawker walk? Hawker walk. Yeah.

I don't, I just go on a dog, I just dog walk. It's very different. How's Myrtle living? She's great. She's taking a little napsky right now in her,

in her crate, but she's, you know, we moved to New York City and she doesn't like it. New York City. So that's been, yes. So that's been cool, you know.

We like it. What's your exact street address? We're in the middle-ish. We're not like in the cool cool, but we're not in the not cool. I mean, like. That feels like where you want to be. Yeah, we're above 14th, but not far. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's like we're close to not cool. I mean, I like, uh, that feels like where you want to be. Yeah. We're above 14, but not far.

No, I mean, it's like, uh, we're close to the cool, but you know, he's 40, I'm 36.

We don't have to be in it. Let them, we're actually living in the room where Robert Durst like burped a lot and then confessed to murder that, that place. That would probably be a nice room. I bet it would be loaded. Oh yeah. I imagine. RIP. be a nice room. I bet it would be. Robert Durst is loaded. Oh, yeah.

I imagine. R.I.P. Oh, yeah, right? Yeah, yeah. I think he died. R.I.P. to a true king. I have such a hard time not keeping track of who died

and who didn't. I know. I think everybody's dead. Bob Barker kicked the bucket a few celebrities where I was like, didn't they already? Mm-hmm.

You know? Bob Barker kicked the bucket the other day. And I said, didn't he already? It-hmm. Bob Barker kicked the bucket the other day. And I said, didn't he already? It's a terrible thing to say. And I would be so sad if I heard somebody

say that about me. I'd be like, wasn't she already gone? I'd be like, what? Didn't you? I also thought Bob Barker was dead.

I feel like we did that. But that's the thing like I ever know of. If an old person trends on Twitter just because it's like, it's his 95th birthday. Yeah, we got to stop

wishing. Wait, sorry. It's Betty White. She's gone now, right his 95th birthday. Yeah, we got to stop wishing. Oh, wait, sorry. It's Betty White. She's gone now, right? She's dead. Yeah. Right. Yeah.

Yeah. For a while there. It was a shark attack. That's crazy. It's really wild. Good for her that she was still out there swimming. But like, she used to trend on her birthday every year. And I was like, can we cut the shit with this?

Yeah. It's too scary. Damn. Move to New York. Keep her name out of your mouth until she's dead. Yeah, it's like if you have an old grandma and one of your siblings is like, hey, you got to hear something about grandma dot dot dot.

And then you're like, what happened? They're like, she's doing great. She won an award. I sent her some Oregon hazelnuts and she loves them. She's getting into suits. You should probably get to town you should probably come see grandma why what's wrong

before she goes she's got a zip line she's got these new shoes this new pair of shoes they look really cute she looks fly I do love when a grandma you know what I love here's the unfair thing about gender. I'm going to get into it.

I'm going to work it all out. Let's just dive right in. Let's draft it. Why don't we? We all backed up a little bit. Okay. We were, you were complaining about having to shave, you know what I mean? Like armpits and stuff before the podcast.

But here's the, eventually you get to be a funky old grandma. And I really love, I really love the style, especially of funky old Jewish grandmas. Oh, yeah. Well, I can't really do anything about not—I'm not Jewish. I mean, I guess I could do something about it. You can convert. Yeah. You just moved to New York.

Give it— Give it some time. You know, I used to dance at bar mitzvahs. You know that I was deep into the culture. Baruch atah Adonai. Thank you. There was—right? What does that even mean actually

Before I just go saying things Blessed art thou God Oh good I haven't just been out here saying the beginning I'm sure she doesn't mind you saying that Nice there we go What's the one you used to always say Get cock and off and yum

Get cock and off and yum Go shit off a dock What was I talking about before this? Oh, ladies, there's an old man that I follow on TikTok who has amazing style. I don't know if it's just my algo that serves him up or if he's well-known, but he's got the cutest, coolest old man style. And it's how I picture you being an old man, Ian. It's like this guy.

That means a lot. I really appreciate that. Although it would probably just be linen suits. I'm also glad that you said TikTok. Because you started like, there's this old man I follow. And you'll never believe it. And he always has his arms behind his back when he walks. Eventually I'll get him alone.

Pocket full of nuts. I do like this guy's style. He sounds good. I'm going to see if I can find him while you style. He sounds good. I'm going to see if I can find him while you guys talk about something else. Sean, what's your fucking problem, dude? Nothing, man. I've said something on the piano. I was just going to ask you if you can tickle those ivories.

Yeah. Sean, play a little song for us. Not in any particular order that's going to work well for your ears. Sean, you can play everything that's in public domain, right? I can play Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater. Can you? And for a while, I could play the Jurassic Park theme. My nephew, who's eight, taught me how

to do it, and I forgot how to do it. Oh, wow. Well, Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater is just like da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. You know, I can do that. I don't even know what that is. Is the song the Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater? I think so. I knew he had a wife, but couldn't keep her. Yeah. I didn't know know what that is. Is this a song to Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater? I think so. I knew he had a wife, but couldn't keep her. Yeah.

I didn't know there was a song. I actually don't think I know any of the lyrics after that. That's more than just Peter, the Pumpkin Eater. Mary had a little lamb. There's a lot of us who can't hold on to our wives. Yeah. He's a relatable king. I used to be able to do the Beverly Hills Cop song. Can't do that anymore.

Oh, Herbie Hancock. Is there anything you can currently do, Sean? Kickflip. I can kickflip. Kickflip. Which is dank. I like imagining you trying to learn how to play chopsticks by watching Big. And you're like, okay, so their legs went here.

My finger legs. I just put little shoes on my finger. These are Tom Hanks' legs. Oh, God. Who was that other actor? And these are Robert Loja's legs. Robert Loja. That's right. These are Tom Hanks.

Ian, how did Tom Hanks' legs sound? That was really good. That was really good. That wasn't a piano. That was actually just Ian doing that with his mouth It is important that we clarify that You actually do all the ADR for piano movies, right? I do a lot of the ADR for piano movies, yeah

And I also did Whiplash Were you rushing? You big headedheaded dummy. Am I rushing or am I not? My favorite artistic decision of the film is that they left in your breathing in between the drum noises. Yeah.

It helps. It changed the film for me. That's the difference between an invite and a statue right there. That's right. It all helps. It changed the film for me. A pooch. A pooch. Yeah, yeah. That's the difference between an invite and a statue right there. That's right. Goddamn right. I actually met, apparently, last night at a comedy show, met a guy who won an Oscar for the sound mixing on Whiplash. Now, is that apparently as in it was apparently him or apparently like somebody had to tell you today that you met that guy last night? Somebody told me after he left.

But he was just like a dude who came to a comedy show and he was just like in a t-shirt and shorts. He came to a comedy show. Why were you there? Whoa. Wow. Wow. Wow. It goes both ways, dickhead. I've been mad all day. That's all right. It had to happen. Isaac, turn

Sean's mic off, huh? And then mix the whole episode. And then turn his lights off. I'm going to find that rat. Oh, I found him. I found him. That rat is dead

and it sucks. Oh, well, no. That guy's doing unboxing videos. Oh, he's got Nikes? Sick. Watch him style him. Oh.

Whoa. Man, unfortunately, I'm going to be a lot like that, I think. Oh, look at this. That is exactly how you're going to be when you're older, Sean. Yeah. I was wrong. It's Sean, not Ian. Well, that's just more of a skateboarder look this guy's got going on.

Yeah. Look at that. I don't think he's doing a lot of kickflips, though. Something tells me. He might be. I'm not doing a lot. I can just do it. Man.

If that was my grandfather, I'd never let him show up publicly. To anything. He'd just blow you out. Yeah, like, I don't know how to dress myself. Maybe it's something that he learned when he got older, which means there's still hope for me. You don't feel like you dress well? You look fantastic. No.

Thank you, guys. You're doing the thing you have to do. Zach's the only one being truly honest by just not saying anything. I just feel like if it's dark asshole, if you leave it up to me, it's just a t-shirt and jeans. And I don't think that's what an adult woman is supposed to wear out into the world. Like, I think I'm supposed to put together a fit, but I just, I'm not good at it. I always pick whenever I see a picture back of an outfit I tried, I'm like, Oh God, why'd I do that? Oh, that's the worst. Yeah. So it's like whenever I see a picture back of an outfit I tried, I'm like, oh God, why'd I do that? Oh, that's the worst. Yeah. So it's like, I'd rather just go to not trying

than try and have everybody be like, is she serious? Cause I'm not, I'm not serious. You never want someone to say like, she really thought she had something. It's what happens anytime I wear a hat and someone says, I like your hat. I go, all right, well that's off for the rest of the day. I don't know why I did that. I'm a stupid idiot. They're genuine. They're probably genuinely complimenting you. I know.

But I can't. I don't have a hat head. It's too small. Yeah. Same problem. In South Korea, coveted. Especially when you have like one of those adjustable hats and you're like, I don't want people to see how many. How many dots it is.

How many? Yeah. How many over I am? How many over? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've never been an under i'm always an over yeah my head my head got smaller when i lost weight but before that it was like the final notch and it was always screaming it was like toby mcguire spider-man like holding back it was a Chapel. The fingertips touching. Barely, barely. The hat just staying on by sheer force of will.

Like the hat had to get a massage on a Gatorade after I was done wearing it. Only the penitent shall pass. We're drafting Irrational Fears. How do you like that as a transition, huh? Irrational Fears. This was an idea Katie Nolan had in the restroom six months ago. Here's the thing. Sometimes they just pop into my head where I'm like, oh, next time Ian asks you what you should draft, this. And so I write it down in a note in my phone. What I don't do is write them all down in the

same note. So it actually ends up becoming pretty useless unless I remember to write within the same note, fantasy draft. That, when I search, it comes up. Otherwise, I just have notes with like, you know, types of picture and it's that has no other words attached to it. I'll never read it again or know what I was saying. I've done that. There was one I had where it was just inspirational quotes, but I put that in its own note in my phone.

And now I'm like, oh, God, there's nothing in there. Like, yeah, yeah, there's nothing there. If somebody finds your phone, they're just going to be like going through your notes and they're like, oh, inspirational quotes and they click on it and it's empty and they're like, this is a bleak man. Like, damn, this guy was sad.

This is why he jumped. It was suicide. He jumped on those bullets. This guy was sad. Listeners can tell I do have a slight coating of macadamia nut in my mouth right now because I just ate one and then started laughing and wasn't able to swallow it provisionally that was the name of your first jazz album wasn't it like a slight coating of macadamia nuts this episode is brought to you by Big Nut. Big Nut. This episode is brought to you by Big Nut. I bet you could start a new snack.

You know, new snacks. Doing well. You got Dots pretzels taking over the world. Dots pretzels are very good, but they're no Snyder's of Hanover pieces. I'm saying. Ooh, the Snyder's of Hanover honey mustard pieces. I like those sourdough nibblers. Yeah. Big on those. Yeah. I don't think you pieces. I like those sourdough nibblers. Yeah.

Big on those. Yeah. I don't think you're allowed to say those sourdough nibblers. I don't think that's the preferred term. We don't call them that anymore. Bavarians. Bavarian Americans. They're Bavarians.

Bamericans. They prefer Bavarian Americans. That's a fun combination. Bavarian American. Bavarian Americans. That's a fun combination. Bavarian American. Bavarian American. That's fine. Next. That really hurt my feelings.

That is really levels me. Big Nut. All fantasy, everything is brought to you by Big Nut. Are you eating the same pistachios that your wife is eating? What's wrong with you? I never took that guy's dick. It's time for you to make an upgrade. Yeah.

It's time for you to step into the arena, draw your sword, and use it to slice open a bag of big nuts. These aren't your grandfather's nuts. No way, sir. I couldn't handle those nuts. These aren't your grandfather's nuts. No way, sir. I couldn't handle those nuts. I'm too old and was into American socialism in the 1940s. Air horns and jackpot noises

right there. Irrational theorists, the way we determine the order of this draft is through a rollicking game of rock, paper, big nuts. Isaac, why don't we sponsor the rock, paper, scissors segment? Who's sponsoring this episode?

I'll get on that, man. I'll start reaching out to some agents. Get on the horn with fucking Madison Avenue. Absolutely. Ring them up. Okay, here's something. What's the big scissor company? Oh, Fisker?

Is that that Stanley? I hope we find out that scissor is actually the name of the brand. Fiskers. Oh, geez. That's weird. Why'd you know that? Did you know that?

I've always wondered why I've never had to have a day job. I come from big. So much sense. Wait, does that say Fiskers by Stanley? Does it? Stainless? No,

it's a stainless. Thank you. Thank you for fighting for my Stainless. No, it says stainless. But thank you. Thank you for fighting for my honor. Also stainless. Covered in stains. Fiskars by Stanley. I never could have named a scissor company. Never in a million years.

Me neither, but can you name the elevator company? No. Otis. I have no idea. Oh, Schindler's. Schindler's. Yeah, Schindler Elevators. Wait, really?

Yeah. Yeah. And that's always crazy to me because it's Schindler's. Schindler's? Yeah. Schindler Elevators. Wait, really? Yeah. Yeah. And that's always crazy to me because it's Schindler's Lift. Exactly. There it is. Come on. Don't let Zach and I get you in a two-man game. Oh, man.

It's over. We could take you apart like a rotisserie chicken. I got hit and then hit again. That was crazy. Uh, 316.49, Fiskars. Now we're just doing ads for companies that don't need our help. 16.49. I've never seen a commercial for scissors.

What's that about? Yeah. Big scissors. I guess they just know they got you. I haven't either. Yeah, really. I've never even thought about it. Good luck taping two knives together.

You think we're going to waste money on a fucking commercial? What are they going to do? Tape two knives? That patent never ceases. We're playing Rock, Paper, Scissors. Rock, Paper, Fiskers. Brought to you by bignut.com

and don't go to that. Especially don't go to that website. No. Don't add T's if you do go to it. Especially don't go to that website. No. Don't add T's if you do go to it. Don't ever. And we throw on shoot and definitely don't look up big nut shoot. Rock, paper, scissor shoot.

Oh! Zach wins a natural victory. Rock against two fiskers. Mm-hmm. Rock against this spot available to you. Yeah. Zach has a letter coming upon you blah blah blah I'd like to pick the order but I just don't know

how this thing works well it's a serpentine draft and what that is for everybody who doesn't know it's like if you're mowing your lawn but you don't go in the circle you're not a circle person you're a back and forth person sometimes I am this guy's definitely running back

Sean you're definitely running back hits now dude damn so many out called so many all right it's like putting it's like TPing a tree it's like if you go to TP someone's tree there we go you throw the toilet

paper from the bottom left to right and then you go grab it throw it up a little bit wait for the toilet paper roll to come back down to you and then because you have it this is how you do it and then you have it tied around a little bit higher then you throw it right to left and then this is a audio medium i just want to sort of narrate the skepticism on uh our good friend katie nolan's face one of my best friends then you throw it up a little bit and then it hooks around another branch a little higher than the roll to. Then you throw it up a little bit and then it hooks around another branch a little higher then the roll comes down and then you throw it over to the right

again. So a teepee is sort of like a snake with slither. That is how you do it if you want to do it the right way. The draft or the teepeeing of somebody's tree? Depends on what you're scared of. There he is. Basically, fourth in the first round. First in the second round. Zach, what will the order

with this knowledge perfectly and originally explained by second round. Zach, what will the order, with this knowledge perfectly and originally explained by our friend Sean Jordan, what will the order of today's draft be? Well, now that I know how it works, I'm going to go Ian. Oh! Wow. I don't feel good.

Sean, me, and then Katie. Oh, geez. Ian. Yeah. All out of sorts. Do I host now? You. Oh, geez. Ian. Yeah. I feel all out of sorts. Do I host now? You host now, yeah. If you wouldn't mind taking over.

Man. I figured you going first would be an irrational fear for you. It actually is kind of an irrational fear. Or is it irrational? We're going to find out right after this short break. I've only gone and done it. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by

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Honestly, get up in there. And here's a special limited time deal for our listeners. Right now, you get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at Babbel.com slash all fantasy. Again, get up to 60% off at Babbel.com slash all fantasy spelled B-A-B-B-E-L.com slash all fantasy rules and restrictions may apply. Welcome back to all fantasy everything the only podcast that has ever existed in the history of podcasts except of course for the dearly departed sports with katie nolan shout out shout out shout out too by the way

Trout out Shout out Rhymes Grout out If you're a construction worker What are we doing? What is this? Snout out If a pig did it

You guys have to admit that if a pig did it It would be called a snout out You have to admit You've been backed into a corner You must You guys have to admit that if a pig did it, it would be called a snout out. It would be a snout out. You have to admit. Yeah. Big snout. Okay. You've been backed into a corner. You must.

Help me out here. Come on. Please. Please. I'm the only one at this party that will talk to me. I would be at the University. We all have. If a pig did it, it would be a snout out. What else would it be? What else would it be if not a snout out? Tell a sound out What else would it be?

What else would it be if not a sound out? Tell me that I'm not being unreasonable Zach, it is time for your first pick In the irrational Oh no, it's time for my first pick You tried to pull a fast one Oh god damn it

You tried to pull a fast one by my small head No thank you Tiny target. If a pig was sharing pig to be on oinkstagram. Hey, Sean. Hey, Sean. Oinkstagram? Hey, Sean.

Could we not? I'm calling CPS. Hey, bud, could we not today? Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, I didn't mean to bum everyone out. I'm sorry. That's all right. Thanks so much, buddy.

Yeah. That sucked. Hey, there's a big headed man keeping a baby trapped in a house. What about what about this one? What about pig Twitter?

Huh? Twitter pig. It's called X now, dude. Come on. It's called cops. It's called cops. I think we should start pronouncing it like.

Oh, by the way, shout out. I was in Arizona and I got pulled over by a police officer and he immediately came up and he was like, I'm not going to give you a ticket. I'm just going to, you know, you're like, you were going over,

but I'm just going to give you a little warning. He goes back into his car and he was like, oh, so what are you doing here? And I was like, oh, I'm a comedian. I'm going through. He goes, all right. And he goes back to his car again. And then he goes, I got to give you a warning.

I'm following you on Instagram. You're funny as hell. And then his Instagram name was like blind pig or something. I'm like, oh, okay. He gets it. He's all right. Yeah. So shout out to him. Shout out to him. That one guy.

Shout out to him specifically. Just the one. The exception that proves the rule. I have to. Yes, exactly. Thank you, Katie. The exception that proves the rule. I got you. Yes. Ron Funches and I, this was early when Ron still lived in Portland.

He brought me to do a gig in somewhere in Washington, like in a small town in like Eastern Washington. And we were driving there. I was driving. He was riding. We got pulled over. And the cop, like we was like, where are you guys headed and we said oh we're stand-up comedians we're going to this gig you know blah blah blah and he's like oh tell me a joke and i told him a joke and he still gave us the ticket i can't believe you didn't quit

was it your joke about how it was just a button separating you from taking a cop's gun? Do you remember that joke? I do remember that joke. It's just a little flap. And then I'm the cop now. I remember that. This reminds me of my story of when I got pulled over. It was late at night.

It was an undercover cop. And I was with my friends. I was driving. And the two cops came to both windows. And it was then I realized it wasn't a cop. So I left. Let's draft. Whoa.

Damn. That's scary. That's different. It's a different experience for women, you know? Yeah. So anyway. Major feminism. Major feminism loss?

Yeah, for sure. Big FL. Should we draft? But you do get to dress like a kooky Jewish grandma if you want. True. Kooky? Hello. Yeah, kooky.

Why don't you just go kooky Jewish grandma right now? Or koogee Grammy grandma sweater. Oh, koogee. Are we saying koo... What is this word? I was thinking you meant like a cougar. No, kooky. Kooky.

Like a... Kooky. I thought you said koogee. And then I thought it was how you pronounce that word I keep seeing on the internet that they use to describe older people. Choo-gee. Choo-gee. Let's not make that a thing.

Fuck no. We're talking coogie. I'm talking about you buying most of your jewelry from the gift shop at an art museum. I'm talking, you know what I mean? Yeah. Like kind of crew, Great British Bake Off core. Because this requires style and I have none of that. Like, look, even your bookcase and my bookcase.

Mine looks like books on a case for sure. And yours is like, look at all the colors perfectly in order. Put together. Katie, you have little men guarding your books. That's nice. I do. And they wrestle. They're very strong.

Very strong men. I also have a championship belt. I don't know if that's just out of frame there. And then I also have one of the shelves I put on backwards. And with Ikea bookcases, once you do that and you nail in the back, you're not undoing it. So that just stays there, which is, I think, the coolest. A little bit of character right there. Is that a blank San Francisco 49ers football? No, it's signed. Dan just got that for his birthday, I believe, from his mom. Shout out, Trish. By Lance Autograph?

No. By big Trey Lance Autograph on that. Who signed it? Like, Conan or something? No, I think it's... What's his face? His favorite guy. Fuck.

That's the old 49er. Jerry Rice? Jerry Rice? No. No, not those two. Dwight Clark. Oh. R.I.P.

Was Steve Young on there? Steve Old. Is it Colin Kaepernick? No. God, no. Is he an ally? As soon as you say it. Wow.

Very nice. You're like, it's Joey Bosa. Okay. No. Is it Ronnie Lott, it's Joey Bosa. Okay. No. Is it Ronnie Lott? It's Ronnie Lott. Oh,

sick. He lost a pinky during a game. There it was. Hmm? He lost a pinky during a game. That's disgusting. It got caught in someone's, like,

their Pfizer thing. Rational fear. He just ripped it off. Woo. I mean, not with the amount of NFL football I'm playing. It's a pretty rational one, but like for y'all,

but my mate, my, my number one pick is people talking shit about me. Oh, this has been, I hope it's irrational. This has been a lifelong irrational fear of mine. I mean,

like, I think that's true for most people. And what I've learned intellectually, if not something I've internalized as I've gotten older, is not only are people not talking shit about you, they're not thinking about you at all. They couldn't care any less. They don't care at all. They couldn't care any less. They don't care at all. Like when you're, for example, getting back to when you're like wearing an outfit where you're worried it doesn't work

and you think people are talking about it. They are. They're thinking about their own insecurities. They're thinking about their own shit. I used to think people

were making fun of me for being fat all through my youth, all through that stuff. And they were just fucking talking about Madden or like girls they liked. You know what I mean?

Like they were not thinking about me at all but it's just like right and it affected me and warped me and everything that's why one of the reasons i try to tell people good things out of nowhere because i want people to hear that like you ever talk on the adverse you ever talk about somebody when they're not around and like it's such a good positive light and you're like i wish they were i wish they could hear this you know what i mean like you just talk about how dope someone is when they're not around so we've done it about you and i have done it about both of these people on this podcast right now and we'll continue to do so so but not isaac isaac and katie oh you beat me no i just yeah i'd yeah that's a huge i didn't even think about it that's how scary it is it is. I pushed it out of my brain.

Yeah, I'm terrified about it all the time. I always think people are saying like, you know, especially when you put yourself in front of people all the time. So you're standing up there like, God, I hope afterwards they weren't being like, yeah, his fucking tummy was sticking out. Like that's, I think about, you know. It's awful because it's one kind of shit talk. You think people are going to be like, dude, and... Okay, first of all, he cheated on my sister. But now he comes to my party

and his tummy's all sticking out. His tummy's sticking out? His tummy. I don't want to see your tum-tum at my party. Tummy-ass bitch? Who the hell does he think he is? Who? Holster this thing.

Tum-tum-tum-tummy. God. Look at the adorable little tummy all hanging out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I get worried. You look so sad about your tummy right now. Like genuinely.

Tum and tummy over here. It feels like your fear come to life. I worry about what I look like from the side. A lot of it's physical, but from the side, I feel like I look stupid. And I used to lurch. I used to go forward like this. Some kid in school called me on it. He's like, why do you walk around leaning forward all the time?

I was like, oh. You think you look in profile? You think you look stupid? Yeah, I think my teeth stick out. This is just. I think everyone looks cool in profile. Oh, no, you're right. Damn it.

Right in the core. I got you. Right in my heart. Oh, my God. You look really good. Do that again. I can see that on a coin. Yeah, for sure. Oh, that makes it a lot better. Yeah. see that on a coin. Yeah, for sure.

That makes it a lot better. Maybe a Canadian coin now. Whatever you do with your lip makes you look like a paratrooper. Like one of the little turtles. Oh, like a koopa trooper? That's what I meant. A paratrooper? You thought I was a paratrooper from New Jersey? Yes, exactly. I'm a paratrooper.

On the first day I've won. I don't know what accent that was. It was close. Yeah, it's close. If people are listening to this on two times, they won't notice how bad it was. 101st Airborne. All right.

Really good. But yeah, I think this is like a good lesson for people just in general. People aren't talking about you. Right. But it's one of those, it's like the opposite of termites where they say like, by the time you see the first termite, it's too late. They're in the, you're there in your foundation.

That is true. The jog in baby. That is true. With this, it's like, if you hear, if you hear one, cause you will in your life, you'll hear about one person talking shit or you'll overhear them talking shit. And then you're like, it's everywhere. You assume everyone's doing it. Unrelated but kind of related, the insult that would devastate me in high school.

Because, you know, there's always that one line that if you're in a fight with someone, maybe it's a girl thing, I don't know, that someone can say that you're like, oh, I'm ruined. And it was all your friends talk about you behind your back. That would make me, I was like, oh, cool. I guess I just go to a different school now. Yeah. Because you're like, they would never admit it. You can't go to them and be like, do you talk shit?

They'd be like, no. That's what you would say. And you're also, then your brain immediately goes like, well, I did do that dumb thing once. That's probably what started it. And then you just start running through the laundry list of times that you've done stuff that made you insecure. It's bad. It's a bad, it's a bad, it was a bad time. You start doing that thing where you're like, guys, if you're going to just talk shit, just do it in front of me. That's all I ask.

Like a woman that's like, look, if you're going to cheat, just tell me, just tell me. It would sting a lot harder at first, but ultimately I'd be like, I mean, you know, yeah, thank you for telling me to my face. I don't have to worry about it at least. And then I can try to fix it. Looking gross. Although it'd be bad.

Cause then I'd try to fix all these things that everybody's saying about me where it's like, it's probably surly, uncoachable, big, big, derelict, derelict,

untoward. Oh, when I hear about you a lot, what does untoward mean? You know Put me on the spot like that? You know It's what you're doing right now You're being untoward When there are people like

Hey, Sean's in that party Do you want to go toward? And they're like, I'd like to go untoward Right when you get done touring Or like when you leave that store toward I don't know what it means It's like toward like to go untoward. Right when you get done touring? Or like when you leave that store toured? I don't know. I don't know what it means. It's like toward. Untoward.

Untoward. Okay. It's kosh and you're throwing it into the wind. See, it's the net. Can I go and throw some kosh into the wind right now? You can do your first pick. Yeah. It's when you have two swords.

You have a sword and a toward. It is my first pick. Yeah. Yeah. Katie's hosting, so don't look to me. Oh, sorry. Sean, it's your first pick. There you go. pick, yeah? Yeah. Katie's hosting, so don't look at me. Oh, sorry. Sean, it's your first pick. There you go.

So one of my... Sell buttons, bro. Got him. One of my dumber irrational fears is that every time I'm asleep and there's something like a ceiling fan above the bed, that it's going to fall on the bed and kill me. Like the blades or just the pure weight. Like I just always think whenever there's anything above me, even like a light fixture, I think when I go to sleep and I'm at my most vulnerable that it's going to fall off the

ceiling and hit me, you know, like, right. Just crush me. But a ceiling fan, especially like, can you guys sleep with a ceiling fan going right above you? Yeah. Yes. I sleep. Great. I can't do it. I just, it's, can you guys sleep with a ceiling fan going right above you? Yeah. Yes. Oh yeah. I sleep great. I can't do it.

I just, it's, it's crazy to me. It's crazy to me that people can't. I like sky active air when I'm sleeping. Me too. Yeah. I love an indoor breeze. Yeah. Uh-huh.

I think it's one of the triumphs of modernity. One of the what? Triumphs of modernity? Modernity? Uh-huh. Modernity? Is that like a depressionity? Modernity? Modernity? Is that like a depression medication? Modernity?

No, it's one of the ones you take with your depression medication to make your depression medication work. If you're pregnant and you have anxiety, you take modernity? Yeah. Don't drink grapefruit juice. Do not. It deactivates it. For like six hours, by the way. No, because it's disgusting. Side effects include beer.

Ruby Red is delicious. The yellow stuff is weird. really good at saxophone. Ruby Red is delicious. The yellow stuff is weird. I heard the saxophone joke and I loved it. Oh, okay. Thank you. Oh, it's okay. Touch of Modernity was also Ian's second jazz album. Yeah.

Touch of Modernity. On both covers. I'm on the beach wearing a sand bikini. I totally knew it other than the sand bikini. And his saxophone is also a big vape. Sand. Vaping. Sand scaphone.

Sand scaphone, he says. Uh, ceiling fans above me. I think they're going to fall and kill me every single time. But you said pretty much anything above you. Pretty much anything. Like, a light is an exaggeration,

but like, like if there's a mirror above a bed, which, well, I mean, where are you? What hotel? He's staying at the Big Nut Hotel. Big Nut. Smash.

I'm staying at the smash in. Oh, I'm staying at the leave it in. That's there it is. That's the, that's the one. It's like, I have this big fear of like when mirrors and cameras are above me in bed. When I'm in the bathroom and there's a camera pointed at me, I'm like, I know I'm being irrational. I know, just tag me. But this camera's bugging me.

That gives me the itch. Just tell me. Just credit me, okay? Just ask, I'll send you a video of it. It's not that big of a deal. Where I'm in full makeup, there's some production values. Yes.

You know what I mean? Come on. Come on. For God's sake. I rented a crew. Yeah. You guys reminded me to take my antidepressants, so allow me to do that.

Keep going. Ah, maternity. Yes, so allow me to do that. Keep going. Ah, maternity. Yes. A ceiling fan. Twice monthly falling onto my body. All right. It's my body. I guess that means it's Zach's turn.

You really aren't going to make me do this, are you? I'm not making anybody do anything. I think you, willingly, are doing an amazing job of it, though. Thanks. Hire me. You're welcome. I'm going to go. I feel like this one also pertains to a lot of people.

And it's specifically the moment where I'm getting my keys to unlock a door at night. It's that moment. I'm like, that's when they're going to get me. Not the whole five block walk home. It's right when i'm like where i can't you know you're trying to get a key in the dark and you're trying to get it into the hole and you're just like this is where you make yourself nervous yes there is a time clock that goes off in my head and i'm like yeah if i don't get this done in five seconds i'm dead i'm dead you ever give yourself that play that spooky little game where you're like, I've got, they're like, like they're around the corner.

Go. It's fun. It's fun to like, see if you can, I try to do it a lot of times without looking, which is fun just to see if like, you know, your lock well enough just to like get up to the door and do it.

Like while you're looking at something else, is this marriage advice? Yeah. Then I can lock her out. It's just me in the house for as long as I need. And how long is that, Sean? Minutes. I'm in love with her head over heels.

Skateboard video. Head over heelies. Yeah. One skate line MBD and then I'm good. And you're good. Now, see, I walk with my key through my fist. So I already have it ready to it's i already have it isolated it's separated from the other keys i don't punch it in like that way i should that's how you unlock it gonna try that tonight

and in those few seconds where it doesn't work that's where a man's gonna come around the corner and he's gonna get me and I'm going to go, Zach! He's going to get a key to the throat is what he's going to get. It's in the hole. I can't get it out now. Just snap your neck. Yeah, that is one of those weird moments. Do you think it's because we've seen it in movies so often? I think so.

I think so. It's kind of that Jaws thing where you're now, it's just so embedded in your mind. Like, well, this is in movies. This is where, especially when you're watching a movie and someone can't do it with the keys, you're like, oh, come on. You can get this. But that's like pressure off. Real pressure though. If someone was, yeah, I'm always like someone standing behind a tree and they're just waiting right before I, you know. Yeah. That's why you can't have any shrubbery or underbrush near your door. standing behind a tree and they're just waiting right before I you know. That's why you can't have any shrubbery or underbrush near your door. Yeah. Take it from Ian. For people to spring from. I don't want a difficult

walkway. Oh, they're hiding. Well, yeah, you don't want anything that anyone could spring from near your door. That's like until the other day. Cut to Ian outside of his lawn, like, talking to the gardeners, like, so just in case, there's no way someone could spring behind. You guys do like a guarantee,

a no spring behind guarantee. Is there a springless option? So this is a mountain aloe. That's what you're telling me, right? Right. And could someone spring from behind this? In your experience, in your vast experience,

has someone sprung from behind this in the past? Crouch. Crouch behind this. If you want me to buy it, you'll crouch. Crouch behind this and show me. I do love the silvery leaves of this olive tree, but I have one question for you. Here's a sword. Hold it behind this tree and let me see if I can see you. I'm going to give you five seconds to come and stab me. Is the magisterial nature of this grapefruit tree going to distract me from someone who might be lurking? Or make my antidepressant medication not work.

That's another question. Is that true of your antidepressant medication? I don't think so, but I know that every commercial is always like, don't eat grapefruit or drink grapefruit juice while on Abilify. I thought it would be a funny thing to say. A lot of um, uh, uh, uh, um, vilify. I thought it would be a funny thing to say. A lot of what are they called?

Scientists? Doctors? Do you have an infection and you take that kind of pill? Antibiotics. Antibiotics. What are they called? Do you have an infection? Antibiotics. I think you're not supposed to have grapefruit.

Great little tidbit from me. Good to know. And also, I wonder if Katie doesn't take her antidepressants, you just get to where you're going to unlock the door and then you just drop your keys and go, just do it. Just do it. You know what? Help us both out.

Yeah. Whatever. I don't want to go outside. Let's both get out of here with what we want. Don't take any extra stuff. Here's the key. I I don't want to go inside. Let's both get out of here with what we want. Don't take any extra stuff, but... Here's the key. I don't even want to go inside.

Just leave the leather football. Sucks in there. Signed by Ronnie Lott, I think. Dwight Yoakam. Dwight Yoakam's blows in my house. Dwight Clark.

Nobody's even here to murder me. That thing sucks. I'm just starting to think no one's going to put in the time to follow me. The depressed, concerned. It's a fun character. We're all workshopping. Should I go?

Yeah. Well, it's up to you. Is it my turn? It feels mean to cut somebody off from such a good bit to then be like, here I go. Because it was a great bit. I know. That's why I wanted to let it

fully breathe its last breath, which I think I did and then some and then I hopped in. Is that okay? You're just going to start with like, so here I am about to take

my first dang pick. Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up, pick it up. My first pick. I live in a, we live in like a high rise now. And what's the exact address again?

The way that we take the trash out is through a garbage chute. And I have an irrational fear that for some reason when putting the trash into the chute, my engagement ring is going to fall off and go down the chute. engagement ring is going to fall off and go down the chute. Every time I vividly, I like hold on to it with my other fingers and only use my right hand. There's no way that that would happen at all. But I'm just like, if it did, though, how upset would you be? And the answer is very upset.

Extremely. Because there's two terrible options. A, you lose it forever. Or even worse, you dig through all the trash and find it. Because I know, and you know, as it should be, that's a task that the maintenance people who work here will say, I can show you where to go. They'll unlock.

But you do it. Yeah, I'll let you into the room, but you do it. I'm not doing that to you. A bigger than you hoped room full of trash. Yes. Oh, I've seen it. It's wild how they did it. And you're in New York City, so at least half of those are full of trash. Yes. Oh, I've seen it. It's wild. And you're in New York City, so

at least half of those are full of spaghetti. I mean, if you want to call that spaghetti. I wonder, it would be funny if you're like, you and Dan are there and you're like, you know what, I'm going to just go take the trash out and you take your ring off and put it in your pocket and you'll be like, I'll be right back. And he's like, oh my God, my biggest fear. She's not going to come back. Oh, she's leaving me. Just put it on your pocket and you'll be like, I'll be right back. And he's like, oh my God, my biggest fear. She's not going to come back.

She's leaving me. Just put it on the table. I swear to God, I'll be right back. I'm just going to take the trash out of my life. Again, I'm coming home. Obviously. In this scenario, French for scenario, is

Soder helping you dig through the trash or are you taking this on alone if it does happen um oh you don't say anything you gotta go do you gotta go try first without telling anyone well and yeah he has no sense of smell i was gonna say he would know but he wouldn't because i could come back from digging through garbage and he'd be like wouldn't even care wouldn't even notice smush city you should do it for you then if it's just i think i think i would have that conversation with him. I think I would feel bad.

But then again, it wouldn't be my fault either. I didn't throw it down there. The rock's too big. It's his fault. Damn right. It weighed my hand down. It slid off just due to its sheer weight and heft. Massive.

It's huge. It looks like a ring pop for those of you who haven't seen it. I do suck on it sometimes. It's delicious. It's hard not to delicious it's hard not to i feel so i take my wedding ring off like to go to bed or when i'm on a date with another woman and uh there he is there he goes but like i it feels we it does feel weird to not have it on it's such it's such a weird phenomenon i I like having it now. I've never had any jewelry ever.

I like it. I tap it on shit all the time. That's such a dad move. As someone who also has a wedding ring on, let's go. The part will be here tomorrow. It definitely feels weird to not have a wedding ring on. Zach, what would you say your favorite part about it is? Probably the assuredness that I do have a person.

She can always that she came back and I always knew that, that she would. You just wear one. You're like, you're married? Not yet, but I'm going to be. Keeping the space open. Yeah, yeah. I bought me a ring because I'm worth it. I took myself to the mall and I decided, yes, at some point I'll be getting married.

Might as well get a jump on it. I took myself to the mall and I decided, yes, at some point I'll be getting married. Might as well get a jump on it. Zach's going to Jared. You just walk in and you're like, hey, Zach took himself to Jared today. I also go by my first name. I'd like a ring. Hey, Jared, Zach here. Hi, George Carmel. You do that move?

The Carmel Company. I could never go by first initial. Because I... Yeah, yeah. S. Patrick Jordan? That's a good one. I. George sounds like an iPhone, but like in a bowling ball. I. George.

I. George. I. George. I engaged. I ring. Katie, what's your middle name? Beth. Oh, K Beth. K Beth Nolan.

Oh, that's a sports writer from 200 years ago. K Beth Nolan. You're hitting like the, you're doing the radio thing where you have to hit the wood. Like 14 people died in the javelin today. Toscani, what's your middle name again? Michael. Z. Michael Toscani. Oh, the Z is interesting.

Whoa, Z. Michael. Z. Michael. Now all of a sudden you're playing cornerback for LSU. Oh, yes. Z. Michael McAllister. Z. Michael McAllister. Katie, it's time for your first and second picks. Oh my God, that's right.

I got you on that one. I got you on that one. I got you on that one. I got you on that one. I got you on that one. I got you on that one. I got you on that one. I got you on that one. I got you on that one. I got you on that one. I got you on that one. I got you on that one. I got you on that. Oh my God, that's right. I got you on that one. I got you on my second pick right away. That's like mowing a lawn. You didn't get that? No, I thought it was like going into a tree. Like teepeeing a tree. And your first pick was, your big fear was that your diamond

would fall from your ivory tower. That's right. That's right. And fall to the pores. That would fall to a peasant. And the peasant would pick it up and think they were me and take my life and my self-worth. And then they would be married to Dan. No, itasant would pick it up and think they were me. Take my life and myself.

And then they would be married to Dan. No, it's that I'll make a dumb. Oh, that's how it works, too. If somebody else finds your ring, that person gets to marry Dan now. I would be. I'd be okay with that law. It's a golden ticket. That should be the law.

For someone who doesn't have a ring. That should not be the law. That should be the law. Now I'm going to add this to my list. My fear. My next fear is that that's going to be the law. You can't kill. Well, if we get these. If we get some right thinking senators and opposite will get these olds out of here shout out pelosi going at it again not she says my boy

but not much older than our president irrational fears that I have. Okay. I have an irrational fear that I'm going to wake up under anesthesia. Oh. And I'm going to be like trapped and awake. Took your kidney or something. I'm not getting that much surgery. So it's like doesn't really apply to my life. But if it ever happened to me, I don't know how I'd come back from that experience.

That would be traumatizing. And it happens. It does. It happens to people. It only has to have happened once for me to be terribly afraid of it. Well, yeah. That's reasonable. Where I fall on this issue, just in terms of the Evanescence song, is I want to be more of a can't wake up

than a wake me up. Wake me up! I want to be more of a can't wake up than a wake me up. Wake me up! I want to be more of a can't wake up! That's where I fall on it. Mm-hmm. Same. On that scale. On the famous scale.

The Evanescence scale of where I fall on anesthesia. Brie has a story about they came into the boiler room and Evanescence singer or Evanescence husband got up. I know her name's not Evanescence, but the or evanescence husband got up i know her name's not evanescence but the lead singer her husband got up no her name is cynthia essence his name so evan gets up and he starts singing that song and she was like what the hell she was very upset

but he was doing so bad that she just walked up and grabbed the mic and finished the song and killed it so let me take over oh she was upset that's their walked up and grabbed the mic and finished the song and killed it. So, it's a very fun story. Oh, she was upset? That's their whole act. They did that in every karaoke bar. Oh, not this song again. Everybody knows. Evan, you dingbat with your big head. You sang... You leave me no choice

but to come up here and sing my very popular song. This can only be done once tonight because I'm sure we're going to break that rule then because I'm going to have to do it again. It's like a comedian who asks the person to introduce them to set them up for a joke that they will do.

That shit kills me. It's insane to me. Shout out to John Lovitz. He was, I think, the only person I know that ever made me do that. He was like, whatever credits, but just make sure the last one that you say is that he played Hitler in Rat

Race. And you're like, duh. And he played Hitler in Rat Race and then he comes out and he goes, gee, thanks. That was it? That's the payoff? You have to say, though, at least he's doing a lot with it. You know what I mean? Yeah, he takes it to a different place.

It's worth it. It's worth it. It wasn't cheap. He's got points on rat race. He's trying to get those numbers up. Gee, thanks. This anti-Semite, Zach Toscani. The whole hour is that?

Oh, my God. Waking up under anesthesia. Have you been? I've only been under it once. Oh, no, twice. I have not been anesthetized in quite some time. Nice job, Sean. There we go.

There we go. You think it's all a conspiracy. Oh, yeah. I don't believe in much. That's the only way you can get COVID is if you're anesthetized and then they give it to you. They give you the pill. Intellectually anesthetized anyway. Which is the name of my third jazz album.

That's just what I call all the sublime albums. Those aren't even books behind them. Those are all albums. That's goddamn right. No, it's like Entourage DVD commentary hidden in books. I would never hide that.

Are you going to get scared because there's thunder? Oh, God. Myrtle might just have a panic. Her irrational fear is thunder and lightning. Thunder. Thunder or lightning. Zach, it's time for your second pick.

Oh, Zach, it's time for your second pick. God, Ian, get out of here, dude. Oh. My turn. Sorry. I would say my second one is going to be my hair getting sucked into a hot tub jet. Yes. Yes.

You ever go down, you go put your head in, and now with longer hair, I'm like, oh, my God. And I feel like that happened once, and just that story, just like an urban legend or something is it the same as is it the same one as or are these two different the little kid who went to the bottom of the pool and whatever it is that was down there that sucks stuff up like the kids insides out i think or i made that part up and it was actually just that he got stuck at the bottom of the pool. I don't know. Watch out for that jet down there. It'll prolapse your rectum, kid.

I've heard the butt suck story. Right? We've all heard of sucking butt. Drop that pin on Google Maps if you would. Yeah, for the butt suck story. Trying to get my butt sucked. Butt suck story. But yeah, even as a kid, as an adult, there's always just anytime I'm in a hot tub or any kind of like even a bathtub that has like those jets, you're always like, I don't know how it is pulling water and pushing it.

And just what if you get caught in the in between and then you got to like rip your, you know know your hair out or do you die? This is where the ability to shrink down rapidly would come in handy because if you felt it getting sucked in you could be like shrink powers activate and then you're going then you're at a water park. You're on an adventure a very dark water park it's dark but it's hot. How long do you develop

gills when you shrink down because that would help I haven't been in a hot tub in a while. You're shrinking down without gilling? Yeah, come on, dude. Plus, it's just an embarrassing way to die. You know? Oh, he died in a hot tub. Like, oh, did he was in there too long and he fell asleep? No, he just got sucked into the jet.

You don't want to die in a way that at your funeral, people can't help but laugh. Just for a second. And then they go, all right, back to sad. Man, life sucks what a way to go just hang gliding hope wherever you ended up

was a little less hot than that hot tub otherwise uh oh would have rather got my butt sucked whoa damn you also got people

being like what was he what was he doing yes what else was he was he just testing it before he stuck something else in the jet what was he doing was he gonna put he was he just testing it before he stuck something else in the jet

what was he doing was he gonna put his wiener in it I put my head in in the hot tub sorry just your head how is it I just

well then you can't get sucked in if your body's on dry land alright ready for the continental breakfast somebody walks by they're like what is this giant hard-boiled egg?

Because your head's big. There's a giant hot, wet head in there. Stinky. All of you is dry except for your head. I try to put my head under the hot tub water

a little less these days. That seems like an analogy. And that's one of the more interesting things about me. You said that at your wedding, right? Yeah, that's something I say as I'm tuning a guitar. These days. In between your songs.

Yeah, I wanted to hear how funny. These days I tend to stick my head under the hot tub water a little. That's me doing a guitar. They're like, sir, you're doing that with your mouth. Whenever I need to make myself laugh, I think about if they were like, hey, your guitar broke. You just have to go out there and make the noises. Like Incubus or Hoopa Stank. it's like that stupid scene in freaky friday when lindsey lohan goes out but it's obviously she's jamie lee curtis and jamie lee curtis who is lindsey lohan is backstage and she's like

playing the guitar and lindsey lohan's character is just jumping around doing this and i'm like that's not convincing nobody in the room is like, look at her go. Wow. A new way to play guitar. Would have been better off just going with her mouth. Next pick. Sean Jordan. So every night when I go to bed, I wake, I think that the next, that's going to be the

night that I start wetting the bed. I don't, I don't understand. Every night. I don't understand how people don't wet the bed. Every day when I get up and I have to pee so bad, I'm like, one of these days, it's just going to come out. I honestly think I'm going to start wetting the bed at some point. Have you?

No, I never have. Not one time. Really? Not even as a kid? Nope. You're lying. Don't lie. Everybody pees when they're first figuring out how pee works.

Never one time. Never drunk. None of that. Like never, ever once. Not once. Wow. And it's so... Sometimes I just wake up and I'm like, man, was I about to...

I've had dreams where I was. Oh, yeah. And that's like the last... That's like you waking yourself up maybe. I don't know what. But I just... I don't get it. I'll never understand how we don't go to the bathroom. Because the longest I go during the day without going to the bathroom is like, you know, a couple hours, three, three hours or something.

Yeah. Prostate's like a bowling ball. But yeah, I just, I don't, I don't get it. It doesn't make any sense to me because this big dumb head doesn't have a lot of knowledge in it. This is fear of the unknown. The way to break this fear is you just got to piss your bed and then be like, oh, that's how that is doesn't have knowledge in it. This is fear of the unknown. The way to break this fear is you just got to piss your bed and be like, oh, that's how that is. Now I get it

and I can live my life unencumbered. Oh, Laura cleans it all up. Exposure therapy. All I got to do is pee in the bed and then say I'm ready to sleep in it and then it'll get cleaned up because someone else isn't. I'm going to come piss your bed.

Next time I'm in Portland. I'm going'm gonna come piss as soon as you fall asleep ian's gonna stop by he's gonna say hi to max no she's gonna be in bed probably he said he's gonna go get us cool like newer better keys so i gave him my keys anyway good night yeah he's gonna get like all the avengers on each key i'm sneaking into pissing on your bed dude and he's going to get like all the Avengers on each key. Stop sneaking in and pissing on your bed, dude. And he's going to drink like three days before that. He's just going to drink Mountain Dew without the water. Just pure Mountain Dew. Oh, well, you'll think it's yours. Uh-huh.

Yeah, exactly. It's a foolproof plan. Syrup. I got a 12 pack of hard Mountain Dizzle in there. I finally got my hands on it. The empty levels on this urine are off the charts. Yeah, I just think I'm going to start peeing in the bed someday. I hope it's irrational.

I hope it happens. Damn, dude. Yeah, me too. I hope so, too. I hope one day that we are doing this, and I just happen to also be the guest, and Zach also just happens to be here, and you say, Hey, guys, I pissed the bed last night. That would be great. That would be awesome.

Have we all seen the clip of the guy who was doing a podcast and he clearly shits his pants? Oh my god, yes! It went viral. Should we manufacture a moment like that? Oh yeah, Sean. For the Patreon, you gotta pee your pants in front of everyone.

Because you brought it up. Oh, suddenly the man who butt chugs Mountain Dew for views has standards. How many views did you get for that? It goes straight to your

mucous membrane. You can't butt chug it, dude. Well, you're butthead, so you butt chug everything you drink. Damn. Damn, dude. You're getting cooked

this episode, dude. Sean's on the menu. Hard boiled. I'm having fun. I enjoy it. Yeah, pee in the dude. Sean's on the menu. Hard-boiled. I'm having fun. I enjoy it. Yeah. Pee in the bed. Okay.

At some point. All right. Which means now, Ian, it's your turn. Yeah, that's right. For your second pick. So far away from your first. How does it feel? I hate it.

I forgot I was involved in the draft. I thought I was just sort of a malevolent spirit hovering over the proceedings. But here I am, back to a place that can be criticized and examined. Oh, every time I walk along a bridge, and I know this is a common thing, or like any high area, I'm not afraid I'm going to fall. I'm afraid I'm going to jump.

Yeah, damn it. I thought I could get that later. It's every single bridge, a hotel balcony, like a canyon railing, any of that shit. Intrusive thoughts. Intrusive thoughts where I'm afraid somebody, if I picture my brain like the control room of a spaceship where I'm like, somebody's going to burst in through the back, take control of the wheel for as long as it takes to hurdle me over the edge of this balcony or this bridge. And then I'm going to wrestle the steering wheel back, but too late to do anything.

Yep. No, I, I, it's crazy. I don't know what that is. There's like a psychological, they've like done studies on it, but it's like a thing that other people have where you're just like, anytime you're walking along something high, you're like, what if I jumped? And I'm not like, I don't have suicidal ideations at all. Anything like that. I'm just like, what if I do it? You ever say it to somebody who's not ready to admit that they also maybe just animal, like animal brain think that way. You say to someone like, whoa, what are you crazy?

You're like, I'm not. You're going to jump? Why would you jump? Why would you jump if you didn't want to jump? I feel compelled to jump over this right now. Wow. Yikes. Did you hear what he said?

Excuse me. Excuse me. Docent. Docent. We have a problem. No, dude. Excuse me, sir in the highlighter yellow foam posits. We have an issue.

There's a man over here experiencing humanity, and I'd like to reward him. Mine is with my car when I'm on a bridge that I'm going to just yank the wheel to the road. Why would I do that? Or you're just like, maybe I'll just drive on the other side of the road. No, then because you're hurting other people, then it becomes mayhem. But then they agree to it. But what if they're all bad people? And so you're only

driving into, you're only hurting, you're actually being a vigilante. Yeah. A suicidal vigilante. What if that flips society and then we're England? Whoa. Oh, I like this. Another irrational fear. Stop saying irrational fears. And then all of a sudden it flips

and we're going to be England. England's going to take us back. I think about that every night when Sean's thinking about peeing in his bed I'm thinking about what if I wake up and we're thinking about it I'm hoping I don't dude and then England has a president and we have the queen but the queen is the Joker

twisted dude I'll tell you what the gas prices would probably be lower but yeah APR for that matter The Joker would make gas free She just wants to see the world burn Queen Joker Has feminism gone too far?

Has feminism gone too far? The Joker, the queen is a girl The Joker, whatever Whatever that riff was going to be The queen is a girl You The joker? Whatever that riff was going to be. The queen is a girl. You're protesting outside of the parliament. The queen is a girl. The queen's got pigtails.

Oh, so the queen's got to be a girl now? Oh, okay. I bet you live in a world where you're the girl queen. My queen identifies as a Prius. There he goes. Well, I remember when you were golfing that one time and you're like, oh yeah, well, I still identify as your husband.

I can't if you've never done it. It's called divorcee golf. You go to the driving range, you get a bucket of balls and before you hit every ball, you pretend like you're going through or you've just been through a rough divorce. It's fun. I got your alimony about

300 yards out. Yeah, take half of this one. Evenings and weekends? This thing's not coming down until next weekend. Yeah, it's fun. Yeah, I'm getting a pool table. It's going to be right out there. For the whole bucket?

For the whole bucket. That's a good exercise. I also have For the whole bucket? For the whole bucket. Two croissants. That's a lot. That's a good exercise. I also have like four people doing it at the same time. I'll try to be fun here. I have enough time for me now. I can eat chili dogs and go to bed.

A lot easier to get this backswing right when somebody's not nagging me halfway through it. I can play that for free. It's great. It's just nagging me halfway through it. I'm playing that for free. It's great. It's just a great positive thing to do. That's such a good pick that I think you should take another pick right away. Excellent hosting, and I will. I'm always afraid and this is based on a real thing that happened to me that I'm going to bite into an

apple and there's going to be a bug in there. What's the real thing? A little worm in there? We were on a bug in there. What's the real thing? A little worm in there? We were on a boat and we had snacks on the boat. This was when I was a kid. It was my dad's boat. And it was either a peach or an apple. But like as I was

biting into it, like I was looking, you know, I bit into it and then I looked down and there were like earwigs in the stem. Multiple. And I remember being like, and I like spit out and threw the fruit at the same time into the water a watery grave for those bugs adequate punishment in my opinion uh and it was i now like almost every time i bite into a fruit i'm like this is gonna they're going to be back. This is going to be the day that I die.

Exactly. And it's so, I mean, and I've probably ingested bugs on accident. I'm sure I have, but it's just, there's just something so, I think a viscerally human feeling that goes back to like, this means there will be a famine

and we'll have to eat grandma this winter or something like that. But it's just, I have the fear. the fear and I need a lot of fun. I love hearing you when you're a little kid being like, father, well, is there going to be a famine? There's an earwig in my peach. Does that mean there's a forthcoming famine? Tell me true, father.

I've been caramel. Put a shirt on. Stop steering the boat. Look at your son. Tell me. Shut the fuck up. I might be the apple of your eye but it's full of earwigs

you got full Jimmy Neutron hair right now and I love it turn to the side that rules Patreon members you can see me having Jimmy Neutron hair if Isaac clips out me having Jimmy Neutron hair

if not TS bro enjoy your hat I apologize for saying TS That's great. Me having to be new to drawing. If not, TS, bro. Enjoy your hat. I apologize for saying TS to our Patreon members who I love. Tough scissors. Fiskers. Thanks so much.

It stands for Transylvanian, uh, it would have been better if I hadn't asked that. Sucker. That's what they call it. This one is one you think

is just going to come and then they're like, you Transylvanian sucker. Transylvanian, Slovenian. Transylvanian salad bar. Oh, I'd give it a shot.

Are we allowed to say that legally? That's a sex thing. You're not allowed to say Transylvanian salad bar. Yeah. Give it the old Transylvanian salad bar. That's actually when you go

to the bottom of the pool and you get your salad sucked by the pool. Armie Hammer got shot up for the old Transylvanian salad bar. That's actually when you go to the bottom of the pool and you get your salad sucked by the pool. Armie Hammer got shot up for the old Transylvanian salad bar. Oh, don't suck my butt. Oh, it's somebody's turn that isn't Ian's. And that's... Well, I just think if anybody wants to talk about that,

pick for another 45 minutes because it was so good. What was it again? Bug Inside an Apple. Oh, yeah. It is good. So you hate Richard Scarry. I do hate Richard. I actually love Richard Scarry. I do hate Richard. I actually love Richard Scarry.

I love Busytown. I would move to Busytown if I could. You call him Richard Scaly? You do live in Busytown. I kind of do live in Busytown. Boy, my schedule is packed. You're just walking up

to like sanitation. People are like, what are you, a wyme? Oh, that drives an apple? What are you, a wyme? There's a wyim in my apple. At a coffee shop, they'll be like, what do you have? And I'm like, you're a chubby cat.

You're a chubby cat with a chork. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what we're ever doing. Richard, scare we. Sean, Katie wants you to know it's your pick. Thank you, Ian. I'm scared that when I'm walking upstairs and there's no one behind me,

that someone's going to reach up and pull me back down the stairs. Whoa. Whoa. You got enemies. It still happens to me at my mom's whenever I shut the lights off and then I go upstairs. It's dark and I really run up lights off and then I go upstairs. And it's dark. And I really run up the stairs and I look behind me. It's just crazy.

Are they grabbing you through a banister? Or are they grabbing you from the bottom of the stairs? God, if the stairs are like the space in between the stairs, that's terrifying. Terrifying. So you can trip or slip and that could be a whole problem. And I saw someone go down there earlier and didn't come back up. And that's the other So you can trip or slip and that could be a whole problem. And I saw someone go down there earlier and didn't come back up. And that's the other thing about it.

There's a whole Dave Matthews song about it. The space in between. And then there's that song Crash, which middle schoolers love. But that's after you get pulled. And ants marching is towards your corpse.

And then by that time you're under the table and dreaming. And ants marching is towards your corpse. Uh-huh. And then by that time, you're under the table and dreaming. There's nothing else we can do. That's all the Dave songs. It's unfortunate I can't add to this bit. Because that's all for him. And then you have to call the grave digger to dig your grave. There you go.

To put your dead body into it. And then they have one more drink after they're done to sort of honor you. And then you're the saxophone for Dave Matthews' band. But your saxophone broke, so then you go. Yeah. I just feel like someone's going to creep up behind me and yank me back down the stairs when I'm walking up. And then you'll have to crash live at the Gorge in 98. Top three people, candidates, who's going to do that to you

is it like oh it's going to be my wife oh it's going to be that kid from high school that always was doing like is it because you got to have a list of people you're looking out for yeah who do you anticipate doing it i just feel like a ghoul or a goblin or a ghost of course that's most people's top three now Now that I think about it. I feel like that's going to be either ghoul. Now you've guaranteed me that no one can sneak behind me from these bushes, but could a ghoul get me? Or a ghost. Wait, can ghosts grab?

Well, that's the third on the list. I don't know if a ghost can grab. A ghost? A ghost. What about a gahool? Gahools, ghosts. And wahails. I think a wahail's going to grab me.

You've got to ask your homeowners association about that. I didn't know HOA. Hey, you guys doing ghoul grabs here? Is there ghoul grabbing allowed? After 10? Yeah. Is there an after ghoul special? Ghouls out, baby.

Yeah, I just think someone's's gonna rip me back down the stairs like a prick like a real prick like an asshole would that feels so I mean I've definitely heard of the ones of like

people thinking under the bed you know like they'll grab your ankle pull you down but I've never heard the stair one did that ever happen

were you ever pulled down a stair no my mom's my mom's boyfriend broke in when i was five and it just wrecked me for the dark so that's like the where it feels like i'm getting going up the stairs it feels like i'm trying to get away maybe and it just is always scary to me always will be this may continue not to get too serious on a podcast but i do think this a lot

of your fears and anxiety in life could be called back to that moment. I think almost all of them. Your last pick is Matt. It was wild. So he broke in and I woke. I heard him break in. I was five and I hear him pounding on her bedroom door. Nightmare.

So then I get up and I go to knock on her door and I look down the hallway and he was sitting on the couch staring at me. Terrifying. I didn't know who it was. Get out. He's like, who's pounding on that door i go in her room and i go hey i think bob's here and she's like what it's like two in the morning then he comes and starts pounding on the door and she wakes up and she's like holding me i'm bawling and then she's like you're gonna have to kick the door down so he kicked the door down and then he was just hammered you know and she she like really kicked the shit out of him he wasn't fighting or anything and he was just some drunk idiot who she wouldn't answer the phone so he broke in but i'm like yeah man it messed me up yeah understandable i've never like unpacked

it or anything isaac just goes in the chat he's like is this a better help ad yeah we can just go ahead and drop it to get me through that better H-E-L-P it would not be a bad idea no it wouldn't be it wouldn't be a bad idea to go talk about that stuff type in Bob in the couch and you'll

you'll get 50% off dog I'll never forget it I looked down and he just was like locked eyes on me I was like bro I'm five you know you can't do this to me

he didn't think to be like lighten the mood by turning a light on or something or to be like oh hey but it's just me was like locked eyes on me. I was like, bro, I'm five. You know, you can't do this to me. He didn't think to be like, to lighten the mood by turning a light on or something. Or to be like, hey, hey, hey, but it's just me. It's just me. Don't worry. It's just me.

I'd be like, who? My mom's casual boyfriend she's been seeing for about a month. That's, you broke in? Oh, God, a month. He tries to pin it on you. She was real close to the vest with like any,

she only dated like three guys after my dad. One of them is now my stepdad. So she was real, like she kept a lot of space, you know? So I think she probably realized pretty quick this dude sucked. And then, yeah, he called from the bar a bunch. She wouldn't answer. And then he broke in anyway.

Jesus, calling from the bar. So I guess the first pick is Bob. I feel like Bob's going to be the one pulling me back down the stairs. I would have pissed my bed immediately after that. So good on you. Yeah, it's crazy that happened to you and you never peed your bed. You had young trauma, which is also your rap name.

Yes. Young trauma? YT. NBA young trauma. Zach? Zach. Zach. I said it. Zach. Zach. My Thoid pick is going to be that

I actually have to go back to high school to fulfill one more credit. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. The way my stomach just fell out. Yes. It's definitely a common dream. But yeah, I'm going to get a call from my old principal like, hey, we were going through the files.

And it matters for some reason. Yeah, actually, everything you've done is null and void until you come back they're gonna take away your license if you don't come here and you're like what how are these really take away your hairdo like how you've styled it over the years and molded everything you want it to be and they're like no you don't get that anymore you're not funny anymore actually you know all that i so i graduated from high school material you were putting together for the special that's how i start so i definitely graduated from high school material you were putting together for the special. That's how I start. So I definitely graduated from high school. Thank you guys so much for coming out. You still drink. Yeah. And then I guess with that fear, they'd be like, oh, well, since you never graduated high school, like your college diploma,

it actually means less than what it means now, which is zero. It still costs the same, but it means less. Now it means you cheated your way in and somehow still owe us money. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I still have that, like, I forgot my locker combination dream. I'll still have that quite a bit where it's like after a Christmas break or whatever and you go back and you just can't get into your locker. Like, you wouldn't just go to the office and be like, hey, what's my combo, dude? Can you, I got a friend, Bob.

He'll break this thing right in. He can get in anything. Just put somebody who doesn't want him behind it. Hey, my mom's in the locker. He can get in anything. Just put somebody who doesn't want him behind it. Hey, my mom's in the locker. He'll get through there. Bob, my unwilling mother is behind that locker. Go ahead and check the door down.

I got it. I have it with like football too where I'm like, you have one game left of eligibility, but the game's already at halftime and you got to get there. And that was excellent because I would want to

in the dream I want to. What position? Same position you played in high school? Same position. Missionary. Reverse cowboy girl. No, why not, dude? Reverse Dallas Cowboys. Yeah, that's

you know, when I was in high school, I met with my guidance counselor twice. Once was on the first day of school. The second was like... Talk about sex positions? Mm-hmm. I was like, what do I do in there? Whatever you feel like. So the day before the second semester started for my senior year, I went in.

I was like, I haven't talked to you at all, you know, this whole time. And they were like, whoa, you're not on pace to graduate. So then they weren't going to do anything about it. I had to take a weightlifting class to get this extra elective credit. A weightlifting class? This is fake. No had to take a weightlifting class to get this extra elective credit. A weightlifting class? This is fake. No one should be a weightlifting class away from graduate. Yeah, exactly.

Well, you're clearly going to be lifting heavy shit for the rest of your life. What if I took like a math course? No, you should lift stuff, I think. Whoa, you're not prepared to face the real world. Learn how to deadlift and then go out there. Yeah, yeah. What if you're stuck in an escape room and you don't have Bob with you? I skipped that weightlifting class so much during that semester that he made me come in and polish weights for two days before I graduated. He was like, you can't graduate unless you come in and polish weights for two days. So I had to do that after my last day of senior year before.

Are they usually particularly shiny? No, I don't know. They were that day. I didn't know much about weights until that weightlifting class. Now when you say polish weights, is that like a Transylvanian salad bar? Yeah, I had to go

polish the gym teacher's big two weights. Oh man, you gave him a Montreal bagel, huh? That is a good bagel. It is a great bagel. Zach just fell in love with the Montreal bagel, huh? That is a good bagel. It is a great bagel. Zach just fell in love with the Montreal bagel. I saw it on Instagram. Me and the kids. 90 Day Fiance.

I'm bringing her over. Katie Nolan, time for your third and fourth pick. It is. According to Katie Nolan. According to me, my third most irrational fear is that I'm going to be questioned for a murder. And because I'm so worried about looking guilty, I'm going to be questioned for a murder. And because I'm so worried about looking guilty, I'm going to seem guilty. That was on a version of that's on mine. I know exactly that I'm just going to be like, no, no, no, no, no, I wasn't there, but I just know that he did,

but he did that. And I can't explain why. And I just, they're like Thursday, two weeks ago, where were you? And you're you're like oh god i don't even know is today thursday what day is it right now do the calendar that part always freaks me out like unless i was doing a stand-up show that night i have no answers for you right unless i got into an argument with someone i yeah i don't remember unless there was like some sort of a defining if my dog puked that day, probably I'll know what day it was. Other than that, the only person who would remember where they were is the person who was killing somebody. So I would say, if you got a quick answer for that, I don't trust you.

Right. You can't be too quick with an alibi because that makes you look shady. You know, where were you Thursday two weeks ago at noon? Like if you know exactly where you were. Flying a jet ski, of course. Flying a jet ski and there's three people, of course. I have a receipt. You want to see my receipt? I was hanging out with Horst Whitaker.

Where were you two weeks ago on Thursday? Where were you two weeks ago today at noon? I was eating beef stroganoff with my good friend, Clive. You know him. He'll back. He went to Oxford for a year and then got kicked out. Oxford Clive, yeah. Are you actually asking? Yeah, I'm saying, like, give it a shot.

I was doing a house show in Columbus. Two weeks ago today? Two weeks ago today, I'm pretty sure we were recording. I was in Sioux Falls. No, no, I wasn't. I was driving to Montrose, Colorado. All right, lock him up. Yeah, yeah.

Get him out of here. No, no, no. Get him out of here. Yeah, I just feel like I watch too much Dateline, so I would know, like, oh, well, I shouldn't say this because this would be how they got. And then I would just overthink, which is something I tend to do. And then I would just talk myself into a situation where I'm like,

oh, all I was supposed to say was lawyer. You go into the details like when someone is lying and they give too many details and you're like, oh, so I was in Best Buy. They have a lot more snacks than what you remember. And so I was just kind of there taking that in. Yep. Got a new phone.

Kind of meditating on it. It's crazy how you just hear people filling up their negative space and you're like, just sit in it. If you're not lying, it's shocking to me how bad some people can be at that. Irrational fear. That's terrifying. I was seeing Shakespeare on the Park two weeks ago Thursday, which sounds like a fake alibi.

It sure does. It sure does. Would thou hast arrested me? No, that's fantastic. Katie, when you're not getting questioned for murder, you love to throw to a commercial break. I do. So let's take a listen to this advertisement.

Is that how you say that? Yes, I think so. Advertisement. The French pronunciation. Now we'll just cut to Sean doing a 30-minute promo or a 30-second promo for a minute and a half. No, 30 minutes. 30-minute promo, if you could.

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ridiculous and I don't know what fun means, but I do like walking. I love to skateboard, but it's hard. I got to drive to the park. I got to get warmed up, which takes your boy a gentleman's half hour these days because these gams ain't what they used to be. But I know that's what makes me happy. And it's hard to make time for it. When you feel like you don't have any time for yourself, it can weigh on you more than anything else. Non-negotiables like therapy are more important than ever time for yourself. You just have to prioritize it. It happens. You can talk to someone, get a new set of ears on it, and they will just guide you through the path. Therapy helps with everything. And if you're thinking of starting, go on and get better help a try. Give it a shot. It helps for learning positive coping skills, setting boundaries, all these things that are extremely

important. It's all online. It's convenient, flexible. They suit to your schedule. Go on and fill out a brief questionnaire. You get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for zero additional charge. They got your back. Never skip therapy day with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash all fantasy today to get 10% off your first month. Again, that's betterhelp.com slash all fantasy we're freaking back we've never been more back on this podcast than we are right now we're so back shauna store shauna jordan on twitter where can people see you do stand-up comedy that's right that's right this happens now scurrilous bastard omaha nebraska uh november 18th

vancouver canada november 30 30th through December 2nd with Ian. And I think those are the only dates that I have actually like on the books right now. It's when this comes out. Thank you for having come and seen us at High Plains? Yes. Thank you to everyone who came out in Seattle, by the way. That was amazing. I had a couple of friends there from Sioux Falls randomly, so they got to see me perform and it was great. Everybody was so loving and caring and

nice. I loved it. Thank you so much. Even though Ian said no one was coming, you did. I appreciate it. Nobody did come. And yes, everybody who saw us at High Plains, thank you. It was a blast. Sorry. I'm pretty sure David will be back from Bolivia by then. So yeah, I think you're going to get the whole crew. So yeah, I think you got the whole crew. Thank you for coming. I'm done. I'm so confused about if any of these things have happened yet. Olivia Rodrigo. Wow. Yeah.

Finger on the pulse. When we're recording this, finger on the pulse. The album just dropped. This is going to come out. I don't know. Isaac, I think he said he was going to be right back. And I don't think he's returned from wherever he was. I've returned.

I've returned. He fell into a... Isaac's not here. This will be out on the 28th, I believe. There's a ghost, though. Isaac's ghost is here. The 28th. Yep.

Katie Nolan, what can people... You can't. How can people sort of fucking jazz with you? Above 14th, but not too far. I don't really have... Nothing. Soon. I've been saying that for a while, though.

Soon. I'll probably do something again soon. Soon. But until then, head on a swivel. I've been saying that for a while though soon I'll probably do something again soon soon but until then head on a swivel you never know when I'm going to pop up gotta just listen to all the podcasts luckily this is the only one and just wait till I show up

like a ghoul in the night we could do November again if you want to do November I'm never going to be opposed to November I just feel like if I were in the listening public, I would be like, enough of this. Nobody listens to this. Enough of this.

Nobody listens to this podcast. They feel the exact opposite. The exact opposite of that. Well, if that's true, then I will always be available to you in November. Check out November right here on All Fantasy Everything, where Katie Nolan will be our guest for all, however many weeks there are in November

four? I think seven I heard this year Zach Tiscani is here where can people see you? so you can always book me for a house show I'm going to be in the Midwest the Northeast, the Southeast of America

and the Southwest but also I got some public shows Sunday, October 1st in Ottawa the Midwest, the Northeast, the Southeast of America, and the Southwest. But also, I got some public shows. Sunday, October 1st in Ottawa, be at the Laugh Lounge. Tuesday, October 3rd, I'm in Montreal at the Diving Bell Social Club. Wednesday, October 4th, I'm in Howick, Canada, which everyone in Canada said, I have no idea where that is. I have no idea where that is. So Friday, October 27th, Asheville, North Carolina. Saturday, October 28th,

Raleigh, North Carolina. Wednesday, November 8th, I'm in Birmingham, Alabama. November 10th, I'm in Atlanta. That's a house show in Metro Atlanta. So come on out for that. That's going to be fun. And then Saturday, November 18th.

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. That was the one where they put my name as Dan Toscani on the flyer. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I do love Dan Toscani. I was like, it's not even close. And then finally, November

18th, I'm in New Orleans at Sports Drink. So come catch me. Oh guy who runs Court Street, he plays Kevin McHale in the new season of Winning Time. That guy rules. I'm trying to get us out there, but Shane Torres is like... There's a new season of Winning Time? Yeah.

Is that what HBO's showing? They're begging you to watch it. Is that what HBO's showing on my show right now? I thought it was... I thought Hulu aired Winning Time originally and HBO just got the first season there's a new season I didn't know that

that's the first place your brain went to not like must be a new season of this show Hulu must own it as soon as I saw Ballers on Netflix

everything that was up is now out everything changed Magic Johnson this thing's from the 80s and you turn it off yeah the new season I haven't seen any of it yet, but I need to

because they will stop making it. It's good. As they've said. I just feel like no matter whether we watch it or not, they're going to make decisions to stop making stuff we like. That's right. So we should hate it? Yeah. Don't watch anything.

But they're bringing back Madam Secretary. Lest it be taken from you. My name is Ian Carmel at Ian Carmel across platforms, TikTok, Twitter, Instagram.

Follow me on all those things. Please follow me on all those things because that's the Club's book stand-up comedians now. That's so wild. It's so weird.

That's so wild. It's crazy. It's not great. It's upsetting. It's not great for the craft. Neither the movie nor the craft of stand-up comedy. Come see me with Sean Jordan at the House of Comedy in Vancouver, British Columbia. Bruvs.

Me bruvs. November 30th through December 2nd. Come see me at the Vulcan Gas Company in Austin, Texas, December 8th and 9th. I'll be doing stand-up comedy on Hanukkah, for God's sake, and then during the day, show me where to get the best brisket. Also, sign up for the Patreon if you want to hear an interesting debate about Hanukkah. Oh, yeah, that's

true. That's true. Speaking of Hanukkah, we did a holiday-themed auction draft. Yeah. That's all we'll say. You might be surprised. And then then new show announcement.

We are. We are. A donkey is here to tell you about my new show. That's the app it's on. We are. Portland, Oregon. I am returning with my new hour. With a new hour of stand-up comedy.

Revolution Hall, March 23rd. That's a Saturday. I am returning with my new hour, with a new hour of standup comedy revolution hall, March 23rd. That's a Saturday at 7. PM. By now tickets will be available. So come see me back at my favorite place in Portland to perform revolution hall. I will be there March 23rd. These always sell out.

So get on those tickets so I can add a second show and then feel really good about myself. I'd like that. I just realized I have something to promote that will be around the 28th, I think. But if it's not, then I'll be in trouble for saying it because I'm not supposed to tell anybody. So I want to... You can say it. No, you're... Oh. Because I'm not supposed to tell anybody. Oh.

So I want to... Embark it. You can say it and I can cut it out if not. I'm going to be on Celebrity Jeopardy. What? Get the book. That's where you can find me.

The coolest experience of my life. I'm on Celebrity Jeopardy. So that's where you can find me. And then nowhere. And then other than that, nowhere. What else is there? Top of the mountain, baby. Yeah, right?

I took off six months before and six months after just to really get in the right headspace. Dude, that is sick. I respect what you did. You waited for all of our plugs and you're like, oh God, I guess I do have this one thing. No, I was just sitting here thinking about how sad it sounded that I was like, absolutely nothing. I have nothing going on. And it's true, but there is upcoming something cool

going on, which is that. Oh, God, that's right. I am batting cleanup for the San Francisco Jets. That's right. They are bringing me in for that. Tell them to book me or to decide that I'm not famous enough just to do regular Jeopardy because I feel like I'm stuck in between. That's exactly.

I realized that the only way I was ever going to get because Jeopardy is my favorite show. And the only way I would ever get on is to get famous enough to not have to take the test to get in. And I did exactly that. I did all the tests. I made it all the way through. They were asking me about my IMDb, and then crickets.

Yeah. Grasshoppers. Sean Jordan's back-to-back picks. But I'm not jealous. I'm happy for you, and I can't wait to watch it. Thank you. Thank you very much.

You're brilliant. Talented. Stop. Telegenic. And damn near genius. And you're going to do fantastic. The opposite of me. Thanks. Thank you. That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said. The opposite of Sean Jordan. God, you sweetheart. That is so kind.

It's time for your fourth pick. Oh, me again. Your cup runneth over. Oh, well. Let's go with Forever forever hiccups oh no every time i get the hiccups i'm like is this the time is this the time that this is my life for the rest of ever and you try like all the top three things people say to get rid of them like you close your eyes and draw a rhinoceros. You flip your head upside down and pour water and you take a sip of water. You do the like, you say to somebody, I have the hiccups and then you make them ask you to prove it. So then you think about it and you try to prove it. Those are my top three ways to get rid of them. And if those don't work, I'm like, well, wow,

this is just, how am I going to do television? I'm just going to be that lady who hiccups. This is going to become what I'm known for. I'm going to be one dimensional and I'm just going to be that lady who hiccups. This is going to become what I'm known for. I'm going to be one dimensional and I'm just going to be hiccing up for the rest of my life. The prove it thing. That's like my, that's my one, you know, when someone's like, I got the hiccups, I go do it right now. Hiccup, hiccup for me. And then they do it. And a lot of times it works. And then sometimes it doesn't. I've never heard of that method before. I'm enjoying it. Yeah. You just make someone try to do it. And then if you focus on it, a lot of times they'll go away. But like Laura gets them for an hour and they're they're like movie or like cartoon like yeah mine are pretty cartoonish it's hilarious i get one that's a lot of times it'll be one and then i don't i don't ever get

them never piss the bed hiccups one at a time what's up with you this guy's deal perfect life over there i I also heard that if you scare someone with hiccups, that'll, like you, you jump scare someone with hiccups

and it kind of just like jolts them out of. Yeah, but when you live in perpetual fear, it's kind of hard to scare me. You know, the world's ending.

So it's like, what are you going to do? Speed up climate change? That's the, that's the name of your jazz album. Perpetual fear. Perpetual fear. I didn't realize it till now, but this episode is also just like we should put a content warning on it because it's

like it's just 20 new irrational fears for yeah if you didn't have these good luck not having them now someone's like no i get in a hot air balloon i never think about jumping out and i can't get the basket falling out that's what I'd be afraid of oh god like I'm in a basket what if the basket just rips that just gave me that made like the pit of my stomach

hurt thinking about that you're welcome there's a scene in Get Smart where he's in the airplane bathroom and the bottom

of the bathroom falls out he just falls out the bottom of the airplane that's terrifying that will probably happen to you stop it

Ian stop it I just think it will. I picture it. I have a lot of dreams about you falling out of the bottom of a bathroom. But then the architect doesn't realize like car goes underneath that. So you'd actually just chill out with the baggage. Some people call those nightmares if they were a true friend. But you call them dreams, huh?

I call them delight nightmares. Dreams do come true, Sean. I call them life nightmares. I live my dream every day. And that's why you're going to fall out the bottom of an airplane. Well, if you guys are at the bottom waiting to catch me, then I can't wait. No. You'd penetrate us.

I didn't want to say it. I isolate that. Isaac, isolate. You'd penetrate us, Sean. You're going to fall into an open shark's mouth. We know how this is all going to play out. It sounded like you said an open shark's mouth. Don't be juvenile.

I can't say everything. I've never peed the bed, but I have sharted. I have sharked the bed. Zach, time for your fourth pick. Oh, my fourth pick. This one's going to be, I have a fear that I'm going to be the victim of a coordinated animal attack. What? Like they talk to each other? That there is a group effort. This happened. I didn't know I had this fear until I was in

Denver some years ago and I was crossing through yards. And then I heard I was surrounded by what I thought were rattlesnakes all going, which I then found out were all sprinklers. They're just surrounded by sprinklers. But for a second it felt like I knew this is how it was going to be. They were like, we got him. Finally. Yes, that multiple animals would be like first thing we got to do.

It's because you got those rattlesnake show boots you always wear. They were out there to get your Vegas rattlesnake boots. Where'd you get those skins? Are you dying them? No, I'm cutting them off your relatives. That's what you said to them. Boy, there was a second in your life

where you believed you were surrounded by rattlesnakes. Well, imagine if you were like walking in the woods and then there's a bear in front of you and then you turn around and there's a wolf and then you turn a third way. Do they work together? I had heard that they have beef. I don't think bears and wolves work together anymore. Zach then you turn a third way. Do they work together? I had heard that they have beef. But that's what I'm saying though.

I don't think bears and wolves work together anymore. Zach's got a lot of meat on his bones. What if they're like, let's disrupt this. Let's disrupt the animal. Let's come together over a common enemy.

Yeah. Let's bond over hating Zach. Meet the wildlife couple that's disrupting the coordinated attack industry. The bear and the wolf. The bear and the wolf. What is this?

A restaurant I would eat at? Yeah. I would. I'd get a big brisket sandwich at the bear and the wolf. They're going to join together. Yes. Dogs and cats living together. Like Snow White, but bad.

Or, you know, all the animals work together to help her and make a dress or whatever they do. Maybe that's Cinderella. Maybe I'm conflating the two. Either way, the animals will all work together to take you down. Like as I'm putting a key into the door, I just turn around and there's like

five deer. They just start pointing their antlers towards me. And one of them goes. Get them, girls! That would be so rad. And then just a vicious mauling. Yeah. That part would suck. Yeah. Coronated animal attack. That's a good pick.

That's what I think makes it irrational. Yeah. Animal attack. It could never happen. Yes, exactly. Right. They're like, actually, a shark and a whale teamed up to kill this guy. So it's just cool. The whale positioned the shark by its blowhole and launched it on the land where Zach was enjoying an ice cream cone. Uh-huh.

Hey, my gelato. You want to find a common situation. It's Zach on land enjoying an ice cream cone. Yes. That guy eats ice cream. Right. Spread the word. Tell your friends. You know guy eats ice cream. Right. Spread the word. Tell your friends.

You know Zach eats ice cream? Anyway. What? That's when I walk in the room and I think everyone's talking about me, but they're just saying stuff like that. Completely changed the way I think about him. He actually just makes like a pretty standard traditional sandwich. Oh, there he is.

Mustard, mayonnaise, meat, cheese. Oh, shut up, shut up. Those are great pants he has. Anyway, shh. Anyway, shh. Oh, Sean's back. He must be starching those shorts. I always get scared that when I'm driving

down the road at night by myself, I'm going to see a child standing in the shoulder of the road. Wow. All the time. And then I make myself, and then I create these scenarios where I'm like, what would you do? What would you do if there was a- Right, because do you help the kid? They're holding a knife.

What if they're covered in blood holding a knife? Do you stop? What do you do? I've been, since I'm 15, since I started driving, that's been a scenario that I've cooked up in my head on like that night on a road alone. Yep. Absolutely. And then when I'm with, when it's me and one other person, I'll bring it up. Like, what would you do if there was a kid on the side of the road standing there like with a bloody teddy bear? You're like, what are you doing? Get out of the car. It's going to be an adult with a suitcase on the side.

Give me five stars though. It's going to be an adult with a suitcase on the side of the car. Give me five stars, though. Maxine, you're a kid. They're a kid. Yeah, I just whisper that to the Uber driver where I'm like, take the long way. I got a story to tell. How Victorian would they have to be dressed for you not to stop?

Ooh. I would say even just barely Victorian. Just a little bit, right? I would stop no matter what. And that's an odd thing to know about yourself because what are you going to do? But I would stop. If they had a frilled sleeve, I might even turn around and go the other way. They have a big lollipop.

Nothing for me. Nothing for me down that road. Ooh, a big lollipop. And it's clean, but they're covered in blood. What happened there? It'd be scarier if they looked happy. Like if it was just a real happy kid on the side of the road at night, that'd almost be scarier than a kid with something on their mind. Come follow me to the carnival. And you're like, oh no.

Sean, you're why black people say white people crazy. Laura, so I picked up this bloody kid from the road? Oh, okay. Holy buckets. Yeah, I always freak myself out thinking that years have passed and it's time for my fourth and final picks uh let's see here oh i don't know if this is irrational or not but it's definitely a fear i have every time i put it in order is that I ordered the wrong thing at that restaurant. Yeah, dude. Oh, yeah.

It's a life fear. Every time. Is it the fear that it's not the best thing or that you actually said something different than what you wanted? It's not the best thing. Okay, gotcha. Both valid fears, though, if you're listening to this, don't feel invalidated by that. It's scary to order something and then go, did I say no onions

or did I forget to say that? Or did I say bring me one large onion? Did I just look at the man and say, onions? Did I say however many hot dogs you can put on a plate? Did I say

load a potato gun? Did I say what I was thinking or did I say what was on the menu? Load a potato gun with hot dogs and launch them at me. Point blank range. I ordered wings the other day and I asked if I could get two sauces and they said no. And it was the closest I've been to be like, man, what's in my head is about to come out of my mouth and I don't want it to. I was so mad. I was like, of course you can.

Of course you can give me two sauces. I'll give you 50 extra cents. You got them all back there. You can fucking guess. What's the law? What law am I breaking? Oh, I'm sorry. We just can't do that.

You get cut off from dipping sauces? It's like Jersey Mike's telling me I can't have the meat dust. I don't believe it. I offer money. That is crazy to me that they told you that. You know all the debris that gets on the meat slicer during the day, like

meat cheeses? I'd like them to accumulate that and then dust my sandwich. What the fuck? And then just dust and cheese. He wants to put all the meat keef on his sandwich. What the fuck, Zach? Yeah, meat keef. Yeah, exactly.

As bistos. Is this normal? I don't like cold cuts, so this is like a specific ick for me. Oh, that's why you were all bummed out when we were eating the wet meat at the Bell House. Remember that? When we had the wet meat and you're like, guys, you can't eat that. And we're like, sure we can. We'll eat the wet cheese too. It's been sweating. It's dead

and sweating. I like a sweaty cheese. I'd eat it right now. I think it sounds dank. Clammy. Clammy means. Clammy doesn't sound dank. I don't like clammy means. You don't like clams. I do not like clams one bit. I don't like clammy you don't like clams I do not like clams one bit and then my final pick

having a heart attack all the time that's not irrational it's not funny it's not funny at all it's gotten to the point where it's irrational I'm better about it now but there was like I've had, I've gotten, it's gotten to the point where it's irrational. I'm better about it now, but there was like a constant period

where I was like, here it comes. Right. I was like that with strokes when I was having panic attacks. I would always,

I'd look at my eyes real close in the mirror and be like, one of those pupils is bigger than the other one. You're having a major stroke right now. I'd always count to 10.

I will say weed increases my susceptibility to all of these where I'm like, oh, something, I'm the first person that something actually bad is happening to right now. This is bad. I'm dying. these where I'm like, Oh, something that I'm the first person that something actually bad is happening to right now.

This is bad. I'm dying. Yeah. Don't ever watch like, or don't ever smoke weed and then watch something like house, you know, where they get there, they get a rare disease,

you know? You're like, Oh, that's definitely me right now. That's what's happening. Yeah. Wait, I have to poop like once a day too.

So yeah, I'm the headline. This is plucked from. They're all plucked from something. Yeah. I get that with an aneurysm. That's mine.

Oh, that's scary because those are just boop, done. Yep. And we don't even know. We don't know. Boop done is, that sounds great.

I guess, yeah. On the scale of things, like as long as it's boop done. Boop done is better than boop, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh. Or like boop half done. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts. Half done, live for a bunch more years, and then get hit by a car, which is what happens.

I'll take that. Damn. That sounds good. Kick the shit out of that car. Do we say other things we didn't pick? Somebody else's pick. Oh, we still got, yeah, it's mine, right? We're still picking.

You said fourth and final. I thought we all did four. Yeah, it's Sean, me, and then you, Katie. Oh, I'm the host of this show. I understand because it's only your 65th time doing this podcast. I know. And every time I think it's six, I really do. And then this time I thought it was four.

I thought you just changed the format and I missed it. It's my fault. For sure. It always is. I know. We don't have to say stuff missed it. It's my fault. For sure. It always is. I know. We don't have to say stuff like that. It's like, oh, it's sky's blue. My last pick is teenagers.

Teenagers scare the living shit out of me. Scared of kids, man. I don't know what it is. I can't be myself. I try to be too funny. I do things I don't do. Teenagers. I just cannot operate around teenagers.

They just sort of seem to dig me and like understand me and think I'm cool. They're always giving me thumbs up. Not me. They're inviting me to their like hangouts and I'm like I can't you know because I got cooler stuff to do. I don't think I told you. So there was a teenager at this wedding I went to and I was like what are the kids saying?

Are they saying drip? Are they saying choogy? Are they saying wet? Are they saying fire? And he's like after everyone he'd be like no my guy we're not saying that. And I go so they're saying my guy. That'sogy? Are they saying wet? Are they saying fire? And he's like, after everyone, he'd be like, no, my guy, we're not saying that. And I go, so they're saying my guy. That's what the kids are saying. Because he said that after every single thing. And he goes, we ain't saying that. And I go, you just said it like 15 times, my guy.

So now I know what the kids are saying. But that's how I operated around a teenager. Yeah. You really showed him. I went outside once. No, you didn't. That's the end of the story. Yeah, I went outside once. No, you didn't. That's the end of the story. Yeah, I went outside once

and I was, I had like gotten ready for something and was walking to like, I don't know, the train to go whatever and walked by kids that were riding their bikes

and one of them just went, ew! And I was like, I'm going home. I'm going home. Cuts you to the core, man. Could have been talking about me, might not have been talking about me.

Right. He was definitely talking about me. There's an earwig on this apple. Ew! I was like, I was like, they can just ruin your day with one half word. Yeah, man. Teenagers, I can't do it.

They'll even say something that sounds like if it was written down, it would be a compliment. They're like, nice pants. And you're like, yes! I'm like, okay. Why'd I even put pants on? They're Banana Republic, okay? I'm trying my best. It's like, okay. Why did I even put pants on? They're Banana Republic, okay? I'm trying my best. It's a positive basic.

I can wear it with a lot of different things. It's part of my capsule wardrobe. Positive basic. Is it act time for your final pick? Oh, my final pick? This one, actually, I didn't remember until Katie mentioned something slightly different. But mine is that this is

my whole life up until this point is a dream. And this was actually my first night of sleep. I'm a baby. You wake up and you're back to a baby and you're like, oh my God, that's every time I go to sleep. It's this long. You have those dreams sometimes where they're so vivid. You're like, oh my God, that's every time I go to sleep. It's this long. You have those dreams sometimes where they're so vivid.

You're like, wait, what if that was real life and this is the vivid dream, but it's so vivid that I wake up in that life. Yep. Then go ahead and go on to vivid.com. Or bignuts.com. Big Nut. Big Nut brought to you by Vivid.

Big Nut. Vivid Big Nut. That just kind of shook me to my core That's how scary dude right I will say if this is part of a dream You know Sure It would be wild if you're like why did I work at a call center for 15 years In my big dream

In my big dream I knew all these songs on piano And then didn't know them anymore when I do that maybe I can fly that's why you jump off the bridge I'm dreaming

yeah yeah it's all connected damn it's all connected that is truly terrifying Zach

yeah ruin my day who me you said it's my final pick yeah yeah That's gnarly. Ruined my day. Who, me? You said it's my final pick? Yeah. Yeah.

It is. Yeah. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to say that I'm going to get locked in a walk-in fridge. I haven't worked in service. I haven't been a food service worker in many years, but I would never, I would always leave the door open. And the worst would be if somebody shut the door behind me. but I would never, I would always leave the door open. And the worst would be if somebody shut the door behind me. And I'm like, well, now this is how it happens. This is how it happens.

Like the shining man. Yeah. It's a terrifying fear of just being stuck. Yeah, the little knob thing that you like push in and turn just breaks. Yep. Because it got so cold, which makes perfect sense. Also, there's been times where like you go to grab it and even if you just grab it wrong, but that first time you try to open it and it doesn't open, and you're like, and now I wish all the things I should have done

before I came here into this fridge to make this strawberry shortcake for that bitch at table 25. And now you have to make a shelter outfit made out of frozen beef. Yeah, now I have to make Lady a shelter outfit made out of frozen beef. Yeah, now I have to make Lady Gaga's meat suit.

Yeah. A tortellini igloo, if you will. Yeah. I don't think we're allowed to say tortellini. Well, Zach is. That's right. He's the only one. Oh, my God.

I built another tortellini igloo On this train You said it good You did it That was a good one You go oh my god Oh my god Oh my god That sounds like what

If you went to an Italian restaurant And it worked like a hibachi Instead of building The onion volcano They would build you A tortellini igloo So what So what man

Tortellini igloo Table side It's like a restaurant That freezes everything It's a big Cold Yeah it's food Yeah eat it or don'tini egg glue. It's like a restaurant that freezes everything. It's a big cold. Yeah, it's food. Yeah, eat it or don't. What do I care?

It looks like egg glue, but it's food. I fucking made you a tortellini egg glue. I got to eat it too? Get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here. Ooh, a tortellini egg roll. Ooh, now we're on to something. That's the fusion I can get behind.

Now we're on to something. That's like a long ravioli. Uh-huh. I know we've deep fried raviolis have we deep fried tortellinis pop them in your mouth like popcorn chicken just something to think about uh-huh i mean fried tortellini is pretty good fried ravioli is pretty good yeah wait you've had fried tortellini already it's been invented i've had um maybe i'm conflating it with uh uh the other one I said.

If not, we have three weeks to get it done. Ravioli? Yeah. Just let me know ASAP if you could. We can make one. Yeah.

I was kind of like I was going to put my whole future I was going to tie my future to Fred. Ravioli but big. You know how like companies are just like, hey, it's Trix

but it's big now. It's a big Trix. You just need big like one big ravioli. I think I had ordered that over a bunch of them. Yeah, well that's it's like a big Trix. You just need big, like one big ravioli. I think I had ordered that over a bunch of them. It's like a soft calzone. It's kind of like a lasagna, but with one layer.

These are all Shane. These are all acronyms for my penis. A long ravioli. A soft calzone. A soft calzone. Yeah, get locked in a fridge. Get locked in a fridge. Getting locked in a fridge. Truly terrifying.

Very scary. Isaac, what's one of your irrational fears? I have so many. I have so, so many. Say them all really fast. I'm afraid that I'm never going to get married.

I'm going to die alone. No, no, I'm kidding. Kidding, kidding. Damn, dude. Woof. I'm kidding. I think my mind... I'm living the nightmare over here, dude.

It sucks as bad as you think. I think my most irrational fear is that my dog is going to die. Just like in her sleep or something. Yeah. Even though I got her surgery for her heart condition and everything. I know she's going to be fine. I still… Because when I adopted her, she had a heart condition.

I'm still like, oh my god. Is she going to die? Is she going to be fine I still because when I adopted her she had a heart condition I'm still like oh my god is she going to die is she going to die and if you'd like to donate to Isaac's dog in heart condition go to our Patreon

and sign up bignut.com yes actually do that because that would actually funnel into my bank account that actually would help yeah

wow did you hear that he's funneling money into his bank account you guys should really look into that yeah no I am I'm definitely stealing money from the Patreon. That's it.

Damn, okay. They're going to play this back. Well, how are they going to play this back? I'm the one editing this podcast. I'm saying when you get... Oh, shit. That's right. You're going to cut this right out.

Damn. He asked Isaac to come on and embezzle as much as he could. Because we didn't really understand what that word meant. We just thought it sounded fun. It's like a technical audio term. Yeah. Can I put like a bigger animal's heart in my dog? How does that work?

How big can I get here before it's like we're being ridiculous? Yeah, yeah. If I put a Rottweiler in a Chihuahua's body, what happens? Could I give my dog a hippopotamus's butthole? Those things seem to be able to move a lot of units. To recap Irrational Fear. I went first. to move a lot of units. To recap a rational fear. I went first. Jarring.

And I took people talking shit about me. I'm going to jump off a bridge as I'm walking along it. A bug inside an apple. I ordered the wrong thing at a restaurant. Somebody else got something better. And then I'm constantly having a heart attack. Don, you went second. You took a ceiling fan falling on you as you sleep. And then also while you sleep,

you piss the bed. As you're climbing the stairs, you get pulled backward. Seeing a child by the side of the road at night. And then teenagers, generally. Zach, you went third. You took getting your keys. That moment where you're getting your keys to unlock a door. Your hair getting sucked into a hot tub jet. Having to go back to high school

because there was one last class you didn't finish. A coordinated animal attack, and this being the first day of your life and everything else is just a dream. That's such a good draft. Kate, you went last.

You took your engagement ring, getting flung down a trash chute, waking up under anesthesia, being questioned for murder that you didn't commit, but accidentally getting arrested for it, having hiccups forever

and getting locked in a walk-in freezer. Scary. Now, the nice thing about all these is you could just take any one of our drafts and then just you could write a book and those are the five elements. Yeah, take any one of these. Like Katie, her ring falls down the chute and then

someone gets murdered down in the trash room and they're like, we found your ring. Oh, wow. That would be like a mix and match. Yep. Your dream would explain the coordinated animal attack. Yes. Raccoons killed that man.

It's actually two raccoons and a possum. They get along now. They've unionized. We want to hear your irrational fears. Send us a little All Fantasy Pod on Twitter. All Fantasy Podcast

at gmail.com. Shout out to everyone on the AFE Patreon where we are doing auction drafts, mailbags, bonus episodes, ad-free episodes,

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of All Fantasy Everything. Sheslackity. next week to another brand new episode of all fantasy everything chick-lickety that was a hate gum podcast