All Fantasy Everything - Seats (w/ Delaney Malone, Geoff Tate)

Episode Date: June 13, 2024

Places for your butt to be on.Guests:Delaney Malone (IG @del.aney.malone)Geoff Tate (X @geofftate96, IG @geofftate)Support the show!Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for ad-free episodes, mailbags, and video pre-rolls.Advertise on AFE!Advertise on All Fantasy Everything via Gumball.fm.Follow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel (X @IanKarmel, IG @IanKarmel)Sean Jordan (X @SeanSJordan, IG @SeancougarmelonJordan)David Gborie (IG @Coolguyjokes87)Isaac K. Lee (X @IsaacKLee, IG @IsaacKLee)See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. aka the red leather pussy destroyer have been kind enough have dug deep within the recesses of their heart to allow me to come on and give you this short memo that i will be in portland this weekend headlining portland helium for the first time four shows friday to saturday and i really need you there i really need you there so i really need you there. So I hope to see you. I love you. Thanks so much for the support. I love all fantasy everything. Hope you guys are having a great time on tour. Thank you. Love you. See you in Portland. This is all fantasy everything. The podcast that fantasy drafts anything and everything from the world of popular culture.

Today, we're drafting seats. Seats. Does that come with, I feel like that's a weird word to say just on its own. Places to sit, things to sit in, seats. Our guests today are the very funny stand-up comedians Jeff Tate and Delaney Malone. I'm your host, Ian Carmel.

With me as always is my good friend and stand-up comedian, Sean Jordan. David Borey, currently in a subterranean lair, six miles below the surface of Bolivia's rainforest jungles. Let's get into it. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything, the podcast that is 75% wearing sunglasses right now. 100% wearing sunglasses right now. We're batting a thousand on sunglasses, baby. Why haven't you talked yet?

There we go. Yeah, I'm just letting you cook, man. You're putting on a sunglass vibe, and I'm feeling insecure. Delaney and I are over here in our shorts and our shades. Yeah. Like it's actually nice out, and you and Jeff are dressed like you're,

I don't know, like in Alaska or something. Jeff is dressed like he's laying sheet wall. Drywall. Drywall? Sheetrock? Sheetrock. Boy, I don't know, like in Alaska or something. Jeff is dressed like he's laying sheet wall. Drywall. Drywall? Sheetrock? Sheetrock. Boy, I really. I actually do sheet.

I do sheet wall. You do sheet wall. I do hang sheet wall. Sean comes in like he knows everything about how walls are built. It's honestly offensive. Sheet wall is when you hang up just a sheet in the middle of a room. And I sleep on this side. You sleep on that side.

Like trains and automobiles. apparently you're not actually a real working class roommates stop getting along yeah i used to do i did a joke where i said something about laying drywall for years and then alex falcone came up one day and he's like of all the people on god's green earth somebody who's never done anything with drywall except fall through it yeah but he he's like he goes he goes you, you don't lay it, you hang it. I'm like, you've been watching me do that joke for years and you haven't told me that. Like, I don't want to look stupid.

It's like not telling someone they'd have pepper in their teeth. I'll tell you another thing that was getting hanged. You out to dry. That's why he's the host. I'm not capable of doing that kind of thing. Delaney is coming through with hardcore Macho Man Randy Savage sunglasses.

That's right. I just feel like I need to say that out loud because the listener will pick up on that. Yeah, yeah. I cannot see through them. No. They're really dark. Yeah. I know.

We've all bailed. Yeah, can't see. Oh, David Boyd. Oh, perfect. David Boyd is seated at the table. Actually, this is perfect because he's not here. Yo, I'm coming. Why is he holding milk in his headshot?

I just don't. And a joint. It's a joint? Isn't that a joint? It's not a cigarette. Or an Oreo? I don't think he would take a picture of him holding. It's not an Oreo.

Yo, I don't know what David Borey is doing in his poster. I'll bet Dollars to Donuts it's a joint. Oh, that's a joint. That's a joint. I do know he's coming to Helium Comedy Club in Portland, Oregon, from which we are recording inside of during the daytime, June 30th. Come see David then. I'll be here too.

What's up? Fuck. Fuck, man. Shit, I guess I'll fly up too. Exit's right over there. That man who just fucking beefed up on me hard, dude. Sean Joy, hard, bro. Boss Hog.

Beefed up on me hard. Boss Hog and dude. Boss Hog, did you ever do you we did shows that we did not wait now where were you when were you when you grew up and when you went to me i didn't go wear shorts to a show and that's so brave um you did shows at barbecue back in the day right with us oh remember the comedy con way back in the day yeah i did that says yes there used to There used to be this. Some dog shit show, yeah.

Before Portland's like the hipster comedy renaissance here, when it was like, go up wherever you can. You know, 14 years ago? 2010. There was a show at this place called Boss Hog's Barbecue. It's a good name. It's a good name. It was.

I can't speak to the quality of the barbecue. I can. Is it good? No. It's not good. It was disappointing. really good name. I can't speak to the quality of the barbecue. I can. Is it good? No. It's not good. It was disappointing. I was so excited when I saw the sign. Because you come forward with like Boss Hog.

Yeah. That's a promise. So if I'm not mistaken, that's the place where old boy in the very front took his eye. I was doing my set and he took his eye out. Yeah. And then he set it on the thing. And then his two, he took his eye out. And then he had two like beefcake farmer looking dudes on either side of him. Where did he put it? On the table. Right on the table. Just loose on the thing and then his two he took his eye out and then he had two like beefcake farmer looking dudes on either side of him where did he put it on the table right on the table on the

table because he was talking and i was like some some version of like be quiet and then he took his eye out put on the table two kids or two men on the side of him they were his sons and he they were like say something and then taking taking your eye out is the biker dude equivalent of taking off earrings like for where women are about to get in a fight. Yeah. And then his kids are like, do something. And then these crew of guys in the back, they're like, we got you, bro. And I'm like, no, no, no, no. It's going to be an eyeless brawl.

Same thing. Yeah. Very like Homeric, right? It's like the Odyssey. You understand what I'm talking about? Yeah. It's Homeric. I was going to move right through it.

Why dwell on that? That's the same joint where Lonnie Bruin got in a fight with those motorcycle dudes in the back. And they had to decide if they wanted to fight Lonnie who has MS. Cerebral palsy. Cerebral palsy. You know, and like noticeably has cerebral palsy. And he was screaming at him because Lonnie's like, fucking, I'll fight. I'll throw it down. I don't give a fuck.

And they were yelling back. And they were like, okay, we can't beat up a guy with cerebral palsy. So they went outside and just revved their motorcycles as loud as they could through the rest of Lonnie's set. Pretty funny. Yeah, that's a really good move. Pretty good conflict resolution. Yeah.

Best way that could have gone. It was mediumly escalated. Yeah. It was like evenly. They took it to like a 60. Yeah, they didn't fight a guy with cerebral palsy. No. But they did affect, they did hurt

him. They harmed his mental health. Yeah, they got to him. Which is worse. It is worse. It wasn't amazing. Yeah, yeah. I think we all agree they should have beat up the man with cerebral palsy. Sean Jordan. Sean Jordan on Twitter. Sean Cougar Mel Jordan on Instagram. Sean the microphone right here in front of me. Shonda Rhimes.

Shonda Rhimes in this beige room. Yeah. With a beautiful mural in it. It is beige during the daytime, huh? In one of Mark Grossman's shining castles. It's beige at night, too. Yeah, it's just not usually as well lit. It doesn't change color.

It's not like there's on a night coat. It's one of those hyper, what were those shirts hypercolor it's a hypercolor comedy club go put you just rest your hand on it i don't know jeff you look like someone who's colorblind i don't want to be like i don't want to be rude but you are yeah yeah but i do know i do know i do know a thing or two about object permanence. Yeah, just because I can't tell you what colors these are doesn't mean I think they change. The best way to talk shit is something like that. Like you look colorblind.

Yeah. All my insults that I could give you are things that happen to be true. I'm like, you look like you eat cold Hormel chili out of a backpack. But that's because I've seen you do that. That's the only reason you look like that. I took broccoli cheese soup out of the fridge last night and started tortilla in it. And Laura's like, you want to heat it up? I go, no. In front of your child? Yeah, she's eating

vegetables. I was just like, those look terrible. Randy, when does this come out? I'm kidding. Normally, that's an Isaac question. August 10th. Super bruiser Randy in the house. Yeah, Randy's on the ones and twos. I think this actually comes out. I'm kidding. Normally, that's an Isaac question. August 10th. Super Bruiser Randy in the house. On the ones and twos. I think this actually comes out. I think this is the one we're putting out this week, isn't it?

Isn't it? Well, then cut out everything I just said. Come to the tour, All Fantasy Everything tour. What day is this? This will be on Thursday. This is the night we are in Brooklyn again. Brooklyn. Okay. Yeah. Wait, does it come out this week or does it come out the first week of we're prepared?

We're today's Friday. Give me a gentleman's sec. All right. Tomorrow night will be tonight. We'll be in Brooklyn tomorrow night. We'll be in DC. Saturday will be in Toronto. Sunday will be in

Boston. Next Monday on the 18th, we're we'll be in Toronto. Sunday we'll be in Boston. Next Monday on the 18th, we're going to be in Pittsburgh. Sold out, so... Beat shit if you didn't get a ticket. Fuck you, bro. Fuck you, Christopher Walken. Fuck you, Anthony Jeselnik. What are you guys going to draft in Pittsburgh? Gary Bradshaw movies.

Thank you, sir. I could do a decent... I kind of think Failure to launch He's great in Failure to Launch He's a good actor Better receiver I'm also taking Sarah Jessica Parker movies

Because she played Carrie Bradshaw That's my angle on it Oh and she was in Failure to Launch And you tell me there's not a God There is a God And she And she bro And she bro

And she dude And she dog Let me finish the dates man On the 20th on the 19th your dates dude i'll finish your dates i'll finish your hummus bro on the 19th and 20th eleni i'll tell you this detroit and cleveland tickets available not sold out a lot a lot of seats available in detroit prediction this week bring your whole polish family tell your friends there's some handshake there's some hands that need shaking after this show.

We're going to get them all carpeted, baby. Come on out. We're going to grease the wheels. And then Chicago 21st, Minneapolis 22nd. Not worried about any of those. First show in Chicago sold out. Second one moving quick. Yeah. Come hang out. We're going to have exclusive merch for each show. Not going to tell you what it is yet, but there's going to be merch for each show.

I think I've actually spilled the beans on Twitter. the beans on twitter hats with the city stitched in the side yeah pretty cool trailblazer made some very cool hats i don't need 11 new hats but i'm gonna probably buy one of each probably not but i might i think we are all gonna have 11 new hats there's two for brooklyn there's a different one for each show right no two colors right two colorways baby yeah anyway that's what i got those that's uh that's the news that's the news and the weather you know what i did you said i did there gave the news and the weather right down main street jeff tate is here hey what's up yeah is it at jeff tate on what are your socials it's at jeff tate on instagram and at jeff tate 96 that's the ghi off tape by the way just for

everybody colorblind prick on tikt Prick talk, they call it. Colorblind sheet wall hanging Jeff Tate. God, Delaney, that was funny. Anyway, all right, keep going. I thought it was cruel and thoughtless. Yeah, it is pretty fucked up. I'm not the one

who's colorblind. When did we decide this comes out? I've been doing... Okay, we did. Next Thursday. Well, let's just assume it comes out next Thursday. And if they're hearing old dates, I mean...

It came out today. It comes out today. This came out three weeks ago. Just as far as the people who are listening. Everyone's smart as a bee. It came out today. Yeah, it comes out today. Right.

Whatever day you listen to this is the day it arrived. Wow. Oh, you're right. Yeah. If we start talking about that it we don't have to tell where we made it no this could be a hundred years in the future we made this check out my website shortly after shortly after the fall of the weimar republic yeah put on your vr headset and go fucking dance around my website um what kind of dates will they find is that it just go

to your website and check out some dates oh yeah I don't have any that's all right the ones most of the ones I have right now are with Tom and I don't need to he doesn't really need the help no no most of those are probably sold out I'd like to promote your sick Mariners hat it's a cool Mariners hat I have a June 21st date that's correct Furioso winery I have a June 21st date. That's correct. It's at Furiosa winery. Randy's off mic.

Excellent. Thank you. I'm glad Randy's there. Cause I did not, that is not on my calendar. Is that in the jewel of the Pacific Northwest here in Portland, Oregon? Furiosa winery? Yeah.

Where that Randy, let's get some more information on this date. It's in Willamette Valley somewhere. It's somewhere in the Willamette Valley. The verdant and green Willamette Valley, home of the finest Pinot Noirs in the country. Yep, that's the one. If you just wander into the valley, I think you'll find it.

Fox will join your companionship and escort you to Jeff Tate. It's June 21st. Whatever Randy says. That's my next date. And that's it, right? You quit after that. that I can't remember it's alright go to Jeff's website follow Jeff on social media

JeffTayComedy.com is the website Delaney Malone is here what are your social media I don't have my usual information you can find me anywhere chase me in the park don't chase her in the park I mean they're just trying to get the shades look I just want attention me anywhere. Sick. Chase me in the park, whatever. Don't chase her in the park.

I mean, they're just trying to get the shades. Look, I just want attention, so I'll do anything. Where can people see you doing stand-up comedy or really anything? You can see me anytime you look at me. And then also... God, we're all getting so funny. This comes out the day it comes out and you can see Delaney whenever you look at her.

I feel like a prick for doing our dates now. Old dickhead over here. I just like to say wherever you go, there you are. Not all who wander are lost. If you lived here, you'd be home right now. It's just all men. I'll be at Al's Den all weekend long and then I run a comedy show at Crush Bar in Portland, Oregon.

That's every fourth Saturday. And we have our two-year anniversary on June 22nd. Congratulations. That's rad. My name is Ian Carmel. I'm here too in Helium Comedy Club in Portland, Oregon. At Ian Carmel across social medias. Follow me on there.

Buy my book. It's out now. T-shirt swim club. Stories from being fat in a world of thin people. I'm going to be selling the book at every stop on the tour. So come get it. I will be happy to sign it. If you got it before, you don't have to buy it at the show.

I'll be happy to sign that too. I'll sign other books. I'll sign the fucking Lord of the Rings. I'll sign. He'll sign a baby. I'll sign a baby. I'll sign some of all fears. i thought of this the other night are you gonna be mad if somebody wants me or david to sign your book no i'm gonna fuck are you kidding me i'll be for real to sign

someone's book if you're not the author of said book i would yeah i call it kuth all right bring the fucking bell jar dude i'll sign it i'll sign syl, if you want to bring other books first, like hot food wrappers for me to sign, I'll sign them. Whatever. I've signed so many Jack Reacher books after DLM tapings. Sure. People just bring them. You just go to bookstores and sign them? Sure.

Hey, I'm Jack Reacher. Right off the shelf. Can you do that? Can you go to a bookstore and sign your own book? Dana does it all the time. Maybe she wouldn't like me saying that. Can you just grab one off the shelf and sign it, and it's like a little Easter egg?

Yeah. Totally. Okay, that's tight. I suppose what bookstore would be mad if you did that? Here's a little tip. If you go to a bookstore, if you sign their book, so if you don't, if your book doesn't sell, they send it back to the publisher and they get money back. But if you go in and sign it. Can you find out if that happens? No. Okay. But if you go in and sign it, they can't send it back. So they have to hold on to it. So catch me signing books at every bookstore on the Eastern Seaboard. Yeah, and then just those dates again. You said them all, right?

Come see us on the road. It's going to be a blast. Except in Pittsburgh, dude. You fucking blew it, bro. The ghost of Mac Miller frowns upon you. We're going to be in Pittsburgh for a whole other day. I can't wait. We're going to come see us hoping Paul Skeens is pitching at the Pirates game on that Monday night. I saw that they have hot dogs with

pierogies and pickles on them. Oh, that's respectable. It's respectable. I will be consuming one. Yeah. Yeah, I'm going to have a drink, brother. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're going to have some beers, some stadium beers. But we are here not to talk about the contributions of the Polish glizzy culture in America, although that is a

vast and endless topic. That's the book I'm writing. As soon as that comes out, I'll sign my copy. We are here to fantasy draft seats, places to sit, things to sit on. I apologize. I made it murky. It happens so often in all fantasy everything. It's no one's fault. It's all of our own.

It's my fault. I'm ugly, too. Sean's fault. He's ugly, stupid. A man who doesn't believe in the infrastructure of the United States of America. I don't have a real butt. What the hell? It's just back right under his legs. It's nothing, man.

It sucks. Owls don't trust him, dude. An owl will cross the street if you see Sean walking, fly to another tree. That's not a good sign. No. I don't know how to turn the water on. Not welcome in the 100-acre woods. No, dude.

Just a bad guy. Doesn't have a shadow. Can you mow mine? I could try yeah what color is your grass idiot it's green all right you just knew that i know i can't believe i can't believe i'm taking shit off being colorblind by a lady in gray i might be colorblind but you seem to be color averse i i just want everyone to know I am actually wearing green shorts. You just can't tell.

Get him. Get him. Those are green. The light is green of all time. Are you really colorblind? Apparently. Oh, see. It's a very light green.

It's a very light green. They are green. They're green. What would you call that? Green. Like us. Like us. Mint green.

There must be like a name, right? Mint green. Mint green. We've landed on mint green. Today, we'll be drafting colors of Delaney shorts. Oh, I Like us. Mint green. There must be a name, right? Mint green. Mint green. We've landed on mint green. Today, we'll be drafting colors of Delaney shorts. Oh, I like that. Great. Tan.

I go first. I say tan. We're drafting seats. Delaney San Diego. All right. Go ahead. Delaney San Diego. Delaney San Diego.

Tan shorts. It was a long walk, man. Long walk. Wait, no. Take us on that walk, because I don't get it. Safari shorts, right? Didn't Carmen San Diego have on like tan safari shorts have on like she famously had a big fucking red overcoat bro really carmen san diego what were you saying about what we're doing carmen san diego am i

crazy maybe i'm crazy were you saying something i'm saying yeah you were talking about something i think she's wearing like a big red coat and a big red hat. Randy just texted me. Ian sucks. Black pants, but red coat. Oh, that's what Carmen. I'm thinking of Dora the Explorer. I was. Of course I was. Of course I was.

I don't want to be mean, Sean, but that's. Oh, yeah, that'd be mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's really sad. That's bad, huh? Were you with Sean Jordan, Jeff Tate, and Delaina the Explorer? Delaina, now I'm bad, too. Now I also suck, dude.

We're in this together. The way we determine the order of this draft is a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors played between the three of you. I'm really good at rock, paper, scissors. Well, we're about to find out. We're about to find... This is... So if two people...

You'll see. We throw and shoot. Here we go. All right. This is so two people. You'll see. We throw and shoot. Here we go. All right. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Oh. Ooh, three scissors. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.

Oh. Oh, three different ones. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Oh. Oh, no. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Woo. Oh, Sean wins.

I win. Odd person out. An unnatural victory that flies in the face of God and everything she has brought to us. But Sean wins the game of rock, paper, scissors. Sean wins. I win. An unnatural victory that flies in the face of God and everything she has brought to us. But Sean wins the game of rock, paper, scissors. Sean's clapping for himself. No one else is clapping. No, because Ian referred to God as he should as a woman. We celebrate that here on this podcast.

Sean, I'm going to bring a real low energy now. As the winner of rock, paper, scissors, it is incumbent upon you to determine the order. Don't do that. Don't do that. That was not an invitation. You want the order or the draft? Jeff, how are we going to draft today?

Before you pick, I will remind you it is a serpentine draft. Serpentine. Yeah. Okay. I know what that means. So I'll explain what that is. The snake draft. I'll explain what it is. 1, 2, 3, 4, 4, 3, 2, 1. There it is. There it is. 1, 2, 3, 4, 4, 3, 2, 1. There it is. I don't know if I've ever done that. About 370 of these probably.

I don't know if I've ever explained it that way. You mean quickly and efficiently? Yeah. It was too early. I was not fucking snippy when I got here. Now I'm snippy. I explained it. It's making them all upset.

I did it as the colors on the rainbow one time. The fact that all of you are lying about the color of her shorts is really upsetting. Oh, let's just say it's light green. I think it's a light green. It's a light. It's a very. It's a tan AF. It's like the colors on a rainbow.

He hit you with the AF though. You mean tan, tan, tan. Tan and. Brown. Brown. Yeah. Brown, brown brown yeah brown brown black black yeah it's all the colors of the rainbow yeah you know what would the order of today's draft be basically just did a horseshoe it i think uh myself explain that to the listener myself delaney jeff ian sean delaney you see see how Ian was last? Anyone else notice?

Yeah. Anti-Semite much? That means I don't like Jewish people. Hot corner from one of those Jews. Is that what that means? What was it? That means I don't like Jewish people. You don't like Jewish people.

That's right. Anti-Semite. Yes. Okay, let's keep going. Just wanted to clarify that. I didn't make sure it didn't mean something good. it's one of your wizard words you used to enslave america um so are we putting like the thing we like most first well you want the best you want the you want the best list like yeah i have the best list well we'll see about that

tan shorts and yesterday it was going to be tomorrow today. I understand. Yeah. 32 horses galloping on a red field. The catcher was the sun. Something like that. One set of footprints. Sean, you have the first pick in the My dad running out of the hospital. My dad being like, no! No, no, no.

When there was one set of footprints, it was my dad being like no no no when there was one set of footprints it was my dad running he ran all the way to california you should get that fucking that would be so funny because you know that how they had those like 1970s like when there was one set of footprint those like pictures that are all like taken at the magic hour you should get one of those that says that and you should sell those because that's very funny a nice embroidered wall hanging you should sell them for 36 000 a piece yes uh if you only sell one because that's very funny. A nice embroidered wall hanging. You should sell them for $36,000 a piece. Yes. That way if you only sell one you're still coming out ahead.

Way ahead, dude. We're going to take a very short break, dog. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Babbel. If you want to learn a new language, the best way is to uproot your entire life. You drop everything you're doing. Just go to a brand new country, the best way is to uproot your entire life. You drop everything

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except, of course, for the episodes of Doug Loves Movies that Jeff and Sean are on. Yes. That's it. That's it. That's it, bro. So, it's kind of a spinoff of this podcast.

It is, yeah. That's what we consider. Yeah, don't tell Doug. He might get a little salty about it. As he's known to get. His podcast is a prequel.quel uh so seats is what everybody kind of thought it was except for jeff thought it was places to sit a little more specifically i made the waters murky so i'm gonna go right in the middle i think this is arguably the most comfortable seat you can get for a period

of time and it's probably my favorite kind of seat for a period of time, and it's probably my favorite kind of seat. For a period of time? Well, for, you know, a couple hours, let's say. I'm going to pick a movie theater seat. Oh. Any movie theater seat? Yeah. They're very different. You jackass. No, I don't want to go into other picks,

so I'm going to pick a movie theater seat. Standard issue? With the back that swivels. An IMAX seat. An IMAX seat, but it's not. That's way different. That's way different. There's no... There's nothing elevating... Without getting into other picks, there's

nothing elevating my feet in this particular movie. Okay. Alright. I'm saying standard movie seat. That's snake-ish to take that. I feel like that's getting two picks in one. So, I'm doing that. Now you're basically saying like this seat's a Cinemagic. How the back leans, but nothing else happens.

Yeah, but but nice I want give me the big box you know give me give me like you want your standard I'm going to see a movie yeah give me a century or what's the other big movie I'm going to see If this Friday yeah the seat I would be sitting in the seat if I don't want like

not the Cinerama Dome seats any movie theater except those Cinerama Dome it sounds like that was in the Simpsons or something the movie theater no it was at the the arc light the big in la like those seats are fucking horrible yeah that's bad they're so rigid and it feels like torture i want to like a why am i like century why am i thinking why am i forgetting the other amc i don't know yeah just like the big thick thick movie seats. And I'm also in a movie theater. I like movie theaters. It's like one of my favorite places to be.

So you want us to include the fact that you're seeing a movie in this. And I think that's fair. I don't think that's fair. She doesn't think that's fair. But that's fine. No, you can include that. It doesn't have to be included because it's still a comfy seat. I think we have to discuss that.

Right. Okay. So I think we need to address this on a seat comfort basis. Right, and it is a very comfy seat. If view matters, like my list is still the best, so I'm not worried about that. Okay, perfect.

I think it's a very comfy seat. I could be doing, I could be sitting, I could be chilling on my phone, I could be reading. You better not be chilling on your phone. I could be, well, if I'm not watching a movie,

if this is just like at my house, I could sit in it and be great. It could be in my yard, I'd be having a good time. You don't ever find like your legs kind of falling asleep when you're in a movie theater? Not was just at my house, I could sit in it and it could be in my yard. I'd be having a good time. You don't ever find your legs falling asleep when you're in a movie theater? Not really. I just cross them. I alternate the crossings of my legs. I don't know when that started, but if I don't have my

legs crossed, as we all have our legs crossed, I go crazy. If I'm sitting under the bus, Randy, but I feel crazy sitting like this. Really? Yeah. I feel insane. For the listeners, Sean is sitting just two feet firmly planted on the ground. Just a normal sitting position. Not even a

wide spread. Yeah, I feel like a lunatic. And on a plane, that's why I get so salty when people knock the seat back is because I need my legs crossed. You're crossing on a plane. Yep, every time. Here's my issue with your pick is that you made it and I hate you. I always have.

It's that it's the, I was also trying to get a feel of what we're, what we're ultimately doing by picking that. There's a wide in the middle. I see what you're saying there. You're throwing a test in the waters, the murky waters. Oh, sure.

There are a lot of these movie seats. They're going to have like a lot of mileage on them. You're getting, sometimes you're getting a seat that's had like butts in it since Rocky, you know? But that can also go the other way. Sometimes you're getting one that reclines more than it was supposed to. Yeah. Because it's the spring and you can really kick back.

You got to sort of tense your abs the whole time? No, but that's good. I mean, like I can just like knock back because I can put my feet up on the seat in front of me. So I can just knock back. Movie theater seat. In your ideal situation, give us your ideal. Actually, give us your ideal movie watching experience. You're in a seat.

Tell us the snacks. Tell us the movie. I don't want to. Come on. I want to put the record back on, but I get some Sour Patch Kids. I get myself a nice, tall, ice cold Coca-Cola at the theater. If I don't sneak stuff in, I honestly enjoy it more. So I buy the Sour Patch Kids there now.

I'll still bring stuff in. You love, we've talked buy the sour patch kids there now i'll still bring stuff in but you love you love uh we've talked about this you love purchasing and i'll get a hot dog i'm a consumer i'll get a hot dog high roller all right yeah i do i just light money on fire so i'll get a hot dog or a pizza they got all kinds of shit now and then i sit normally in the middle on the bottom row so i can put my feet up on the rail i like the rail spot and then uh tombstones playing kishan in a movie theater doing rails, watching Tombstone eating a tombstone. This movie's fucking

great, right, bro? It's good. Delaney, time for your first pick. Oh, wait, Jeff, were you going to say something? I was just going to say we did that. We did that, but we didn't do the seats I like because we did it in one of those indie theaters, Cinemagic. We can still lean back, though. Those seats are broken.

Sean's taking a bad, broken movie theater seat with his first pick. Delaney, time for your first pick. So I didn't focus. I don't think comfort is as important to me. So I picked the front row on a roller coaster. Whoa, okay. Okay, see, that's what I'm saying.

That's absolutely. So the view's still good. Absolutely. The seat, it has like you're strapped in which makes you feel safe in a general sense and your front row absolutely that so that's kind of what i was wondering okay if we can go down that road well i'm feeling i love it i think what yeah this feels this this falls more into places to sit kind of what you were thinking yeah that's gonna be it then no this is great. We're finding it.

It's still a seat. No, it's just a very slight semantic difference in the phrasing. And making that turn opens up my whole list again. I was in college for a brief time and our speech teacher used the word semantics.

You went to Wesleyan? I still can't, you, huh? You went to Wesleyan, right? Wesleyan? I went to University of South Dakota. I went to Weslein? I still can't, you, huh? You went to Weslein, right? Weslein? No, I went to University of South Dakota. Weslein? Weslein? I went to Weslein. He was the youngest graduate of all time at Weslein University. I saw Hilary Quinton on campus once.

It was scary. I'm a college graduate. I majored in shapes. I'm going to the alumni weekend I apologize to anybody who talks that way you know Jeff you're very insensitive for all the Hanna-Barbera cartoon ladies

who listen to all fantasy everything we'd like to issue an official apology turns out Sean doesn't like Christians either so Christians and Jewish guys. That's your, you just like skull chewing fucking South Dakota chumps. Yeah.

Yeah. Sean has a list in front of him and it just says all the things he doesn't like. And it just says Jewish people. Jewish people at the top. That's crazy. I don't know if there's a list of things he likes. It's a short list, but a long list.

It's strange. We, he has it broken down into types of Jews. Thieving. Thieving. Robbing. Scheming. The smart ones. It's strange. He has it broken down into types of Jews. Thieving. Thieving. Robbing. Scheming. The smart ones.

Flandering. The smart ones. Natalie Portman. Good ones. Good ones. That's the shortest one. You have Zachary Levi on there, and I have to tell you, he's not even Jewish. He just sounds like it.

He's not Jewish? No. That is some, both sides of that name is some stolen ballot if his name was levi zachary or zachary lee but that guy's name might as well be jesus jewish guy yeah there is a zachary levi at every bar mitzvah you can't have one without that it's like it's like a fire code thing and that dude not only is he not jewish he's like fucking like hardcore like a born-again christian dude yeah wow shazam that dude shazam it our speech teacher brings up chuck's imdb page

funny that i'm still gonna tell this story because we're way past it but our speech teacher used semantics i had a big crush on her and i was like i'm gonna use that in my next speech and i had to write the speech out the only red part on the speech of like correct. It was like a giant underline. Like you didn't use this right. And I still, I still don't know how to use it. Anyway, Delaney,

talk about your pick. I used it correctly. You can just do that. Do what chef said. Yeah. I forgot what you said. Do it right. Yeah.

Maybe I wrote anti-Semitic and she was like, you use this wrong. I met anti-Semantic. I'm anti-Semantic. I was like, you used this wrong. I meant anti-Semantic. I'm anti-Semantic. I don't trust all these Semants. Delaney, what was the last roller coaster you were on?

Oh. Five, four, three, two, one. Oh my God, like two years ago? Enchanted Forest? Those are scary. No, Hershey Park. Okay, that's better. In Pennsylvania, you can check it out uh in Hershey Pennsylvania and uh chocolate factory that's right they have a chocolate factory yeah and last time I went I cried because I was having such a good time so I don't know that is fantastic yeah cried

from a good time yeah I'm going to uh Oaks Park quick shout out to Oaks Park. Shout out to Oaks Park, for sure. Which is the very run-down Portland roller coaster. It's not too run-down. It's still kicking. Well, I was there last year. It's still all right. Is it still kicking? If I were picking the front seat of a roller coaster, it definitely wouldn't be at that park. That wooden rickety?

Not there. If you need to go to a chiropractor, you won't after that. If you don't, you will. It's like one of those roller coasters. Where you get there and they're like,omas edison rode this roller coaster yeah and like if you get sat next to someone sometimes the roller coaster seats like don't prevent you from running into each other yeah so i'm getting like physical touch which is yeah you know something yeah it's it's important. In this digital age. Wait, it's a good thing. Yeah.

I thought you were saying, like, it's a bummer. No, it's like, I'm getting a little bit of everything I'm looking for. Have you ever gone to an amusement park with a friend? Or is it just always solo outings? I have. Or they just don't want to sit in front? No, I have friends. I just don't want to list them right now.

I have friends. No, I have. No, there's more. It's just. Next time you're on, we're going to draft all your friends. Oh yeah, we'll have a Delaney friend draft. We just all lean over and cross off Sean's name.

That's not going. We're the ones with shorts on, Jeff. Yeah, it doesn't mean you're friends. I just want to let you know that I came prepared. I'm changing out of shorts as soon as... Put those green shorts down. He's holding up tan shorts right now. Ian held up a pair of tan shorts for the listener.

For the listener, Ian held up. What's your favorite roller coaster? Ones that go upside down. Oh, yeah. And then your feet dangle, you know? Because right now, I'm sitting and my feet touch the ground. Do you feel insane? No.

Sean felt insane when his feet touched the ground. Are those ones where the track is above you? Yeah, and then your feet go below you. Those are dope. Yeah, those are sick. As a bigger dude, I was very afraid of roller coasters for a long time because when I was a little fat kid, you can read about this in T-Shirt Swim Club

available everywhere now. It's a book you wrote, right? I waited two hours in line. You can get it everywhere. You can get it at 7-Eleven, AM, PM, the McDonald Douglas factory. I waited two hours in line and then they couldn't close the bar over me. So that scared me off of roller coasters forever. When I was working for Corden,

rich, famous guy, he was like, you haven't been on a roller coaster since you were what, 10? I was like, yeah. And he's like, we're going. We went, just the three of us, not for the show, me, my friend and james went to six flags and because he's a

rich famous person they gave us a dude who would just take us to the front of every line and that sounds awesome and everyone in line was like cool yeah go ahead yeah but it was like a tuesday so there weren't that many people there but like it it sucked. The roller coaster, the first roller coaster. No, I can't get on the roller coasters easy. Like I think they've also made them more accommodating now. Um, but cause you ride a roller coaster and you're like, okay, that's super fun. I had a great time.

I was giggling, you know, you're full of euphoria. And then normally you'd be waiting another 45 minutes to an hour to get on your second roller coaster. But for us, it was like three minutes later, like you'd get off one the guy'd be like all right let's hit up the batman one and you're like full of adrenaline and you're going and then you ride that one and so like after six roller coasters in like 90 minutes i was just i had to go sit for like half an hour did you toss your cookies i didn't toss my cookies but i was so close i just had to sit with my head between my legs because i had like adrenaline poisoning.

Bad pick. No, I think that's fantastic. No, it's a great pick. How dare you? I can't believe you didn't read T-Shirt Swim Club before you made your list. It's out. No, and I... You should have read Roller Coaster Chapter 2.

I heard that you can pick it up anywhere, so I will... Pick it up anywhere. I do know that you you buy it any place if you reach into a bog your hand will find it yeah i hear that they're all signed so they can't be found chess at the end of roller coasters when people leave their stuff yeah there's we've moved we've moved most of our books in those boxes. You couldn't find a bog if I gave you a week. If I gave you a week without the internet, you couldn't find a bog. Give me two hours, I'd find a bog.

You fucking moron. There's no way. I grew up next to a bog. You don't know where any bog... I'm not talking about Bar of the Gods, all right? No, I'm not talking about Bar of the Gods either, but nice. Nice pull. Yeah, that was good.

I grew up next to a swamp, dude. And what is a swamp if not a bog? Oh, you forgot where it was. I don't. I know where I came from. Beaverton, Oregon. Top of the food chain. Jeff, time for your first pick. There's a from. Beaverton, Oregon. Top of the food chain. Jeff, time for your first pick.

There's a swamp in Beaverton, Oregon? Baby doll. I don't think swamp is the right word for what you're talking about. Bog is what? It's a bog. Is bog the right word? I think it's a bog. It's a swamp.

It's a wetland. It's a marsh. I think the hardest part about finding a bog in a week without the internet is how do you buy an airplane ticket without the internet? Yeah. Because I would just fly to Ireland or whatever. Right. Do you just walk up to an airport, like one ticket ireland can you go to the airport and buy it at

the counter still that's like such a we're sitting at your apartment and ron's like i'm gonna miss my flight and we're just like you for sure are like you won't if you go right now and he's like i'll just buy one walked up the airport walked up the counter bought a ticket with cash and i didn't even know you could do it who did that bunches and how much was that ticket enough 18 1800 enough to me for me to be like dude why didn't you just catch your flight and give me half of what like the extra i would have carried you how many pockets did you need to hold that much cash yeah it was nuts i didn't know you could do it and he paid all in quarters yeah he dumped out like a coin star. Does Delta take Venmo? Can I Venmo Delta?

I bet there's some women named Delta who take Venmo. That's true, yeah. Some of them might work at Delta. I could change my name. That's fine. Add Delta Malone. That's a pretty dang name. Yeah, and plus I would get probably points for that. Yeah, I imagine. We've reached a point where it's time

for your first pick. It is time for my first pick so i'm gonna say anyways dude so all right here goes those nest chairs it's like a half a circle that are cut in half that every girl had in their apartment in the 90s uh those like papa songs yeah man zacky Those are fucking awesome. Those things, it's like someone's holding you in their big old hand. I know. You could sit. You could lay.

You could curl up. It's got all the options. It's a real catch-all kind of chair. Okay. I find myself not trusting a Papa Zahn. The one I'm thinking of was at my grandfather's house. It was black leather. It had very skinny legs. And I was like, if I get in that thing, one of us ain my grandfather's house. It was black leather. It had very skinny legs.

And I was like, if I get in that thing, one of us ain't making it out. Yeah. Those are hard to get out of. Yeah. You carry a lot of childhood trauma. I do. I really do. People can tell.

I read all about it in t-shirts. But also black leather. I wouldn't want to, I wouldn't want it to be leather. No. I'd want it to be cloth. Sticking. What color cloth? Doesn't matter.

Dark. Dark. Something that doesn't show Dark Something that doesn't show dirt Dark Something that keeps secrets Yeah A color that keeps secrets

Yeah if I spill a little soda It's not gonna grab me out Pop-a-thon Was a very like This is in my first apartment Kind of chair Yeah I think because there's very little

Going on to it You just need that hole And then And the base They take up so much space They're so big They're so apartment kind of chair. Yeah. I think because there's very little going on to it. You just need that whole thing. And the base. They take up so much space. They're so big. Big and juicy. Maybe to you. I suppose it would be like yeah, if I were

smaller, I could cuddle more. Like cuddle up more into one. Yeah, I would love to be a tiny little guy in one of those. Yeah. And just like curl up like a little baby dashund. They should make. Yeah. They're probably like really big one. Yeah, I would love to be a tiny little guy in one of those. Yeah. And just like curl up like a little baby Dashund. They should make, they're probably like really big ones. Yeah, like where does Shaq get his Papazon chair? Shaq, if

you're listening to this, and I know he is, please send me your Papazon hook up. Yeah, just a link, man. I'm not asking for anything free. Just send me a link. I'll purchase it. Yeah, I don't even really want to. I don't want to hang out. I'll send you one of my books. I'll send you a t-shirt at Swim Club. You send me a XXXL

Papazon, baby. We're in business. Have you seen that picture of Shaq palming a basketball with two fingers? It's insane. It's insane. I have a picture of him palming my shoulder and I feel, I felt petite. That's what the Papazon does. It's just Shaq's hand. It's Shaq's hand. I want a papazon shake like shapsay

time for my first and second picks without a doubt the two best picks of the draft as everyone is anticipating no one said that everyone's thinking it my first pick is going to be a couch yeah fucking moron alright that's a good pick alright I'm sorry from a guy who notoriously doesn't like the Couch. Yeah. Fucking moron. All right. That's a good take. All right.

I'm sorry. Yeah, but from a guy who notoriously doesn't like the couch he bought. I hate my couch. And that is. You bought a nice one. Doesn't like it. I have. I didn't buy a nice one.

I bought a CB2 couch. It's not. Your couch is nicer than mine. Crate and barrel too. It's your second apartment. First apartment pop is on. CB2 second apartment. My couch sucks.

You know my couch sucks. I like the couch. It has done nothing but grow my appreciation for good couches. You have a good couch. We have. I don't have a sectional. I don't have anything like that. It is a, it looks like it's in a therapist waiting office.

And that's what I sit on for hours at a time. Is it too short in the back? What makes it bad? A chaise lounge? It's not a chaise. Yeah, chaise. It's not a chaise lounge. No. It's like. That word's, chaise. Yeah, chaise. It's not a chaise lounge. It's like...

That word's, I don't know, not American. It's not a chaise lounge. It helps you back. Ian's couch helps you back. It doesn't help you back. It's like strict. It's like it was invented for naughty Victorian children. There's not enough cushioning on the butt.

It's strict. It's a strict couch. I chose it. Well, I thought it looked good. This wasn't a very like, when we were living in the Fortress of Solid Dudes, this was when I was first like, oh, I can buy a couch because I was getting TV money.

And I was like, we're going mid-century modern in this house that is constantly covered in empty Panda Express containers and discarded socks. Chicken bones. Yeah, chicken wing graveyard. And I'm like, we're going to do a mid-century modern disgusting flop house aesthetic. So it's a mid-century modern couch. And I guess this goes back to the fifties when people didn't have

lumbars or something. It's just a terrible, it's uncomfortable, but it's made me really appreciate a really good couch. One that you can like spend hours on, find yourself in different positions. My couch also wasn't big enough for my wife and I to both lay down on at the same time. And that's, that's what, what I'm going to be looking more at my next couch. Yeah. I can't believe anybody buys a couch without laying on it first. I, so it's okay to lay on and the one I have now, but just for one person. Yeah.

And especially if you're really drunk, I passed out on that couch many times. But that can be the only, like you have to be able to sit on it too. Like that's, you bought a, you bought a couch for looks. You can't buy a couch for looks. You can't buy a couch for looks. But that can't be the only, like you have to be able to sit on it too. Like that's, you bought a couch for looks. You can't buy a couch for looks. You can't buy a couch for looks. No. 100% right. Looks can come in second.

Yeah. They can factor in, but it can't be the first decision. So I'm taking couch. Second pick, hot tub. Yeah. Ooh, a hot.

Yeah. That's good. You're talking no water, right? I'm talking at the state fair or in a very well-lit Costco. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, Sean's from South Dakota. That's where he perfected all his cool tricks was in an empty hot tub. You should have seen my face the first time someone put water in it.

I was like, get the fuck out of here. You're going to break it. This is comfortable. It's going to ruin my board. Get my tuxedo all wet. What are you doing? Sean was birthed in an empty hot tub. Are you doing jets on?

Jets on. Yeah. Jets on, water mixing, dude. Yeah. I'll take a hot tub any day of the week. You got a cocktail? No. I don't like to drink booze in a hot tub.

What I do have is snow surrounding me. If I'm painting my ideal hot tub, snow all around. Maybe I'm in Sun River, Oregon. Okay. I'm in a hot tub. What I do have is snow surrounding me. If I'm painting my ideal hot tub, snow all around. Maybe I'm in Sun River, Oregon. I'm in a hot tub. It's hot. It's cold out. And I'm listening to Steely Dan. Little icicles on your mustache. Icicles on my mustache, dying of exposure. Steely Dan's

on my list somewhere. I'm not going to tell you where. Steely Dan fold-out chair that you got? Oh no, why did I do that? What an idiot. Sorry. You suck. Sean's out of the draft. Sean's out. I said a pick like an asshole. No, nobody's taking that pick. I would never say a pick

out loud. Oh, yeah. I would never do what you just did. Steely Dan fold-out chair. My official Steely Dan brand. My Asia fold-out chair. Just a hot tub, dude. Just love mixing it up. It's great. I'm not in there for a long time and there for a good time,

but I have spent a long time in a hot tub. You still get in the hot tubs at the hotels? I didn't in Madison. It was a very busy week. Like in a public area, you're in a hot tub.

I like a private hot tub. I'll get in any hot tub anywhere. I could tell. You didn't have to say that out loud. I would have to walk around with my head down for the rest of the day. If they set one up in Pioneer Square would you get in? yeah if you're supposed to

if it was like people can get in it you're allowed in this hot tub but it's in a public place that's what the sign says that is a little much I don't know I do not know I think I do know this is the business

there's a place near where I live. In Montevilla? Yeah. It's like you can rent a hot tub for an hour. That just automatically seems crazy. But it's next to a movie theater. Why don't they put hot tubs and you can sit in the hot tub and watch a movie? How much do you want to throw in on this business idea?

This is the extent of what I'm willing to throw into this business idea. I had the idea. That's the extent of it. And I'm happy to put in zero dollars. They have hot tubs you can rent and go on the river with. Oh, yes. You can rent a boat with a hot tub inside it. What?

And take it down the Willamette. Yeah, because the water in the Willamette, you can't get in there. Apparently you can. You can. They had a campaign a few years ago where they wereette, you can't get in there. Apparently you can. They had a big campaign a few years ago where they were like, you can swim, which feels like if that's the case, you shouldn't have to have a campaign. I mean, the Joker got an Avada acid.

It's like those Domino's commercials. Listen, we know it has been fucked up. But trust us, we're good now. Get in there. Don't drink it. Don't get it in your mouth. We just put a net up, caught a bunch of garbage. It's fine now.

We're good. If we take a bunch of clean water and then pour it in. Eventually, it's going to dilute it. It just stuck a hose in the Willamette for about three months, and now it's all right. It's diluted. We diluted the nonsense. My thing with the hot tub boat is in boating weather,

I don't want to be in a hot tub. You know what I mean? If it's like 80 on the Willamette, I'm not necessarily wanting to be in a big kettle of soup. I should make my pick. I just looked at what time it is. Oh, Jeff, yeah. Ian's got a hard out. I've softened it. 45 minutes. I've softened it.

I'm meeting my dad for lunch, and he is famously not the most patient of men. You tell your dad that it's my fault. I will. Jeff, time for your second pick. Oh, so you go around the other way. Okay. My second pick is first class.

Oh, damn it. I'm taking first class. One time I've been in first class. Those seats are nice. Like those seats are nice enough I would sit in them at home. Like if I can get a first class seat at home, I'd sit in them. They're so nice. They're cushiony.

It really takes the strug out of that all that travel i'll tell you this the vacation starts when the plane takes off yeah that's that's the story of first class so much dignity you see this dumb shit social media stuff like why do you want to get on the plane so fast like because i'm in first class dummy yeah i know why you don't the asking of your question is why you don't because it sucks but i'm in first class i want to get on immediately because then i can get drinks before we take off they're gonna give me a they're gonna give me like a what's the orange juice and champagne what's that mimosa they're gonna give me a mimosa i love how those are their options too like would you like a drink and you're

like what do you have you're like we have like scotch and champagne yeah oh yeah fuck yeah it's first class the two genders yeah i, I'll have, let me go. Just put all of that in with orange juice. I like to make allmosas better than mimosas. An allmosa is champagne with just any other kind of juice. Oh, nice. That's why I made it up. It's an almost a mimosa. Yeah, it's almost a mimosa. Yeah, orange juice is pretty sugary. Delaney,

have you ever been up? I've only been up front one time. Look, I haven't. No. I got bumped up one time. Get out. Yeah, I did. I got bumped up one time. Get out. Yeah, I did. I'm leaving now. So thanks for having me. No. I've never paid for it.

These two bougie pricks over here. I'm sorry. I'm a passenger of size. And I'm a passenger of comfort. Yeah. I don't think I'd pick a plane, though, in a general sense for my seat. That's just a silly move. Well, I know you've never been in first class though

so it makes a lot of sense I understand exactly I don't get it you can hear a dude taking a dump yeah and you have to you can't come up front that's the first class bathroom we have our own bathroom up there

the first class bathroom is actually bigger than the rest of the plane i don't know how they figured it out it's a real it's a real mind fuck but yeah they're like with the the guy with the yeah the thing with the towels and i love that guy it's really nice two floors sauna you know what i have done is paid for first class on frontier one time i sat in the very front of frontier which isn't first it's just a closer seat there's nothing different about it. But I did do that. I've done that on Spirit. I bought the big chair or whatever back when it wasn't a bid and it was just 40 bucks. Because it's just a first class seat.

It's an actual first class seat, but in the front row. And it was only 40 bucks. I do that. And then they come up with crushed up Adderall and lines on a Bible. It's like, here you go. They got the buzz balls on Spirit, right? No, it's great. Bro. I love it. First class, so

like in relation to every other chair, maybe not good, but good. Still, I agree with you. Still good. Good, comfortable chair, yeah. But in relation to the other seats available on an airplane, baby doll. Oh, God. I can't even, yeah. Delaney, time for your second pick. I'm going like a booth. Oh, in a restaurant? Yeah, in a restaurant. Oh, God damn it can't even. Yeah. Delaney, time for your second pick. I'm going like a booth.

Oh, in a restaurant? Yeah, in a restaurant. Oh, God damn it. Booth seating. Really nice. I think it's good because of the cushions. Yeah. You go sideways on the booth and I'll put my feet up on the booth and go sideways like

they're doing in Pulp Fiction. I love being cradle. I had that on my list too. We call it the hot corner. I had the corner booth. Yeah, that's nice. The biggies in the video. Al Capone. That's the next one I'm talking about.

I love when it's like rich red leather. It's like deep. You like really sink into it. It's such a nice feeling. It's got red leather. It's a fake. Nice restaurant. So it's fun. That's nice feeling. And I get people who've had it. It's a fake nice restaurant, so it's fun. People, what were you saying? I was just saying that I really

like booths because I like how the table is there. You feel comfortable. You feel safe. I feel cradled. You're about to have probably a big wedge salad if you're in a seat like that wedge salad or your breakfast food you're having breakfast

food yeah um and in this situation there's you probably have other there's probably other people that have come with you yeah which some of your friends yeah you could easily name totally i love how your pit your picks are vague and kind of based around the idea that someone might hang out with you. There's room. If someone wants to come along, there's room for this person. I got a whole seat next to me on this roller coaster. At the front.

I got three people in front of me. They all, you know, you guys like booths, right? Yeah, yeah. We'll go to a booth with you. Really? Yeah. Pick a booth. I'm pushing for Clyde's. We'll go to Cly booth with you. Really? Clydes. Pick a booth. I'm pushing for Clydes. We'll go to Clydes. What's Clydes? It's that prime rib place on Sandhills. It looks like a whole

castle. It looks like a restaurant in the valley. It looks like an LA restaurant. It does look like an LA restaurant. It does. It looks like a North Hollywood steakhouse. They bring you horseradish and a garden hose. No, they don't. I kind of got that vibe where they're like... Speaking my shitty little language over here. It's great. Sean Jordan,

time for your second and third picks. Second pick, big old giant beanbag. No. One of those giant beanbags. No, no, no. Bad choice. Nobody likes them. I love them, man. What are you getting up? You just stand up. Good junk. You fall back and then you're where you're at.

It like form fits to you. It's perfect. I don't know why I don't like them because they look like I would but they just don't and I don't know why. I feel like it's an all or nothing type thing. It's a getting up. Getting up is the part that the sitting in it part is fun. I'm going to make it if I'm getting up out of one of those

I'm making this noise. Like that's happening. Well you roll out of it. It's kind of a fun thing you just you like roll out and then yeah unfortunately on the ground you just get up like you were on the ground there's you've surrendered your dignity when you get out of that chair i don't get out in front of people i'm 90% wait till everyone else leaves everyone's gone would everyone leave for a second so i can get up out of this yeah so sean is fine with a public hot tub but a very very private beanbag public hot tub private beanbag it, very private beanbag. Public hot tub, private beanbag. It's his next double album.

I just feel like his feet, like when you're in a beanbag, your feet are in a weird position and that's like a big thing for you, Sean. So I don't know how you're picking beanbag. Yeah. Are you crossing in a bag? Yeah. What are you doing? Close to laying down. I might, I might, I might do an ankle, like the ankle cross. The ankle hook. Tight, low ankle cross. Yeah. I'm not doing like an executive. I'm not doing, what cross is this?

Like the champagne cross? This is like the. He's doing a man's cross now. Before he was doing a lady's cross. That makes me feel insane to do this. I can't. He's taking up space. He's reclaiming his space. Yeah, I like how much space he's taking up.

He's going back to the tight cross here really quick. Let's see the tight cross again. Right, that's the one. Wow, now he's really taking up space. That's the way a much heavier person crosses their leg. Yeah. That's a Gandolfini cross. What's up, up space. That's the way a much heavier person crosses their leg. Yeah. That's a Gandolfini cross.

What's up, bro? That's a full Gandolfini right now. That's cultural appropriation. You can sit next to me on the roller coaster if you want. Get that down. But when a, like, when a. You only pulled me out of the chair. When a thinner guy sits like that, that just, all that does to me is, it's like, oh, this is a person who has never, ever stretched.

No. Never once. Not even, not even on accident he never leaned far never if you drop something on the floor that's the floor yeah he's just gonna kick it to one of his kids is nearby and be like pick this up hook it to daddy okay beanbag chair universally reviled universally reviled pick sure and your voice did just crack should i do my third pick no i didn't that shit cracks all the time i don't think you did my voice crack. Tell me if this counts.

This could be considered controversial. Delaney's on the hook here. Sitting and I apologize if it doesn't count. Sitting on an inner tube that's going down a water slide. Does that count? Or I could just be sitting on the water slide going down the water slide.

So if the inner tube is two picks, I understand. Ass on water slide. I mean, it's a sitting position. I guess you're... The tube is more of a sitting. And a thin layer of water. It's a water slide.

I see. This is tricky for me. This is almost more of an... Like roller coaster, it's a roller coaster adjacent, but roller coaster is more of a seat. There's more ingredients in this. Whereas water slide is just you. Inner tube

counts. Inner tube totally counts. Water slide, I don't think we can do. You can pick inner tube. We can pretend it's on a water slide. Inner tube, though, isn't just like sitting on the ground. I'm just in an inner tube on the ground because that's not what we're doing. We can't pare this down to where the tube is. You just picked inner tube. The, we can't pare this down to where the tube is.

Like, you just picked the inner tube. The inner tube can be wherever you want. Let me do this. Sitting on the dock of the bay with my feet dangling in the water. How about that? Dock of a bay. Yeah, sure. Feet are touching the water. And now I challenge you with this. It's Baltimore. Your feet are not allowed in that water. That is true.

I really, I don't mind. Any water can touch my feet. And that, don't. I really, I don't mind. Any water can touch my feet. I've. And that's not. Why do I pee on my feet four times a day? Inner tube is fine. That's not actually a dock.

It's the edge of the bridge that broke. Yeah, it's floating. Like, it just looks like a dock because it's just a little piece. There are Croatian semen begging you for help and you're ignoring them. There's Croatian semen everywhere. Everywhere in Baltimore, dude. I grew up around there and I can confirm. Confirmed. Whatever, I've had some gnarly shit on my feet.

I'm not sweating that. All right. A lot of silence from that one. Yeah, it's fine. It was like a misfire thing where there was too many things to break down there. This is exactly what happened. I just decided to do none of it. I did too.

I froze. You gave me vapor lock. I had a cheerier Dock of the Bay in mind when I was sitting on the Dock of the Bay. Otis Redding's Dock of the Bay. Yeah, Otis Redding's Dock of the Bay. There might have been a sunset. Can I still say sitting on a cock because I'm gay?

Yes, you can. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's on my list. You can. That's the first thing that got james this whole time is that a louis ck right it was louis ck referencing a guy who's like this guy we saw right yeah but that guy is a saint louis comic named dan chopin oh real oh so you know the actual dude i saw the actual joke oh i think I did too in Sioux Falls a few times. Yeah, that seems like it'd be in his...

Yeah, the dash open circuit. How often do you find yourself dangling foot off a dock? Any chance I get. We're going to the cottage in August and I'll do it any time. The whole time we're there, that's what I want to be doing. You're not afraid about a big old catfish sucking on there, pulling you in? Now you're one with the lake? Well, what am I dangling into the water now?

Dock of Bay. What would be the other answer? To what now, Jeff? To what? Where do you go? What am I dangling in the dock now? Are you saying that? Penis.

Yeah, it looks like a worm. It's a little fucking, a little worm you could put on a hook. It's got whiskers. Are you saying that you have a tiny worm? i was struggling between inner tube and dock of the bay i ultimately landed on dock i'm glad you picked him up on that because i didn't understand it and i i wrote it off to just me not getting it but now that we're now that we're dissecting a little bit doesn't make that what you said it was a juvenile joke i know now let's go back what kind of shit is on your feet yeah yeah what are is. Yeah, what are you talking about? I pee on them all the time. Were you putting on enough time to break it down?

You said you pee on them? I pee on them every time I take a shower. I pee on my feet. I don't make it. I don't point it, but it goes on my feet. You should make it OnlyFans if you're going to pee on your feet. It could be caking out, dude. It doesn't just be doing this for free, man.

Yeah, you cannot be doing it for free. Every time I bring that up to Laura, she says no. But I'll bring it up again. Bring it up again? Yeah, bring it up one more time. I'll mention it. Tell her to display it then. You got to check with your wife before you make a I piss on my feet

OnlyFans account. Is that a cuck? I don't really know the word. You don't know the word cuck at all. Traffic on the 5 looks light. Hit the roads. Happy Friday, everyone. We're going to be back with three Aerosmith songs in a row. Sean Jordan, you can see me at Helium Comedy Club tonight.

Pretty good. Delaney, time for your third pick. I'm going Swing. You're on a swing. It's in your backyard, ideally, and you're doing the jump. You jump off at the end.

Oh, yeah. You land fine, and your ankles are fine and it's not like like most of the times that you're on the swing where you're like jamming ankle yeah yeah yeah they got that rubber mulch now oh they do have that rubber it's made out of old shoes yeah it's nice it's much softer landing yeah i just want to feel something so all my pics are around that just some some sort of physical. Just like physical feelings. Why doesn't my soul work? Yeah. Any sensation at all.

Yeah. So if you jump off. There's two swings. If somebody wants to sit on the one next to me. It's like a whole swing set. Yeah. It's a swing set. So there's a swing open next to me.

Yeah. Feel free. If anyone, I'm just like saying that there is a seat next to me available and then oh and if you're on a seat and like someone's pushing you oh yeah wow so there really could almost be four people there two pushing two swinging we could all go yeah wow really yes the the swing is a great pick I have not done much swinging in my 30s. You should. They're almost over.

Maybe I should dedicate myself to the swing this summer. Your feet are hanging. Summer swing. It's this year in 1996. 1996. I swing all the time with Max. She wants me to swing next to her now. So like five times a week I'm swinging.

But can you groove? No, I can't. Sw pick jeff time for your third pick uh keep consult the list i'm gonna say yes i have some good ones left the okay i really like a nice barber's chair. Oh, yeah. They can lean you back and wash your hair. It's like a comfortable barber's chair. They're very padded. A good one feels very luxurious. Yeah. They can spin you, raise you up, lower you down.

It's a fun ride. A little bit of a ride. I'm afraid of hairdressers. Yeah? It's a weird fear. Just in general? Yeah. If you see one on the street?

Yeah, I guess. If you see somebody like in a black satiny vest with a tight ponytail and a beard, you're like, no, get away from me. So this is a, this, I would not choose that chair. What? Does this, is there an incident that this traces back to? My like hair doesn't really grow fast and so they do a bad job. Yeah.

You know. And then you're stuck with it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm getting, this is kind of a big deal for me so i thought i'd bring it up please uh like first time in like seven years i'm getting a haircut from a hairdresser on sunday uh okay so this is fresh in your mind right now yeah normally cuts here do you cut your own hair i get i get some like my friends to cut it yeah i used to be afraid of getting a haircut. Those ones on the rollercoaster with you?

No. As soon as they cut your hair, they're technically a hairdresser. Oh, no. That's how they're going to help or hurt. It hurts. It should help. Because you haven't had an issue with it. I'm in it to help. It looks good now.

Okay. It does look really good now. Thank you. You've worked your way into the hairdresser Right I wasn't trying to hurt you No you're 100% right But my haircut's at like 3pm so I can't do anything all day Because I'll be too nervous Yeah I mean that's a bad time It's not even like nerves but if I have

Like the ADD thing of like having something At 2 o'clock in the afternoon Or whatever it's like I don't Do I have enough time to do anything before that? You're like, the whole day is shot, so I'll just sit. I can't do it. Get up at 8. And it was like, I don't know. I have an appointment in six hours.

I guess I'll. That at 2 o'clock or 3, that is like the worst time to do anything. That's a rough time for the dentist when they're going to do something. You're like, why can't we just do it at 7 in the morning? When they try to book you at like 3 or 4, it's you know why i don't know why they never i make all my dentists appointments at 2 30 i don't know why anybody doesn't come on i just want to remember come on i definitely do you actually do that yeah every time tooth hurting oh that's funny i try to go i try to go like you know they have those weirdly early ones they're like he can see you

at seven you're like well i don't know why either of us are awake, but okay. He went to medical school. That's when I do it because I'm like in a torpor. Also afraid of the dentist. Not as much as hairdressers, though. They used to be the same place, the dentist and the hairdresser. Yeah. Or at least for you.

For me, growing up. No. They used to do, they would pull teeth and do bloodletting at like a barber shop. They were kind of like an all-in-one house. In your old Tombstone universe. Read to Barber of Seville. That's why that guy is scary or whatever because he's not just a barber. It's a

whole thing. Sweeney Todd? If I'm wrong about this, keep it to yourself. Don't let me know. Sweeney Todd is the thing I was thinking of. Barber of Seville is different. Figaro! Sweeney Todd is the demon barber of thinking of. Yeah. Barbara Seville is different. Figaro. Sweeney Todd is the demon barber of Fleet Street. That's correct.

Still a barber, though. Still a barber. You haven't seen Sweeney Todd? I know who Sweeney Todd is, but I couldn't tell you any deets. He played for the Marlins. Why don't you guess what Sweeney Todd is about? He killed people, right? He's a barber that killed people.

I think you fucking nailed it. That was good. Turned him into meat pies. Yeah, I think you did it. Yeah, he made meat pies. Oh, sorry. Spoiler alert. Oh, sorry. Turned him into meat pies. Yeah, I think you did it. Yeah, he made meat pies. Oh, sorry. Spoiler alert. Oh, sorry.

Don't have a meat pie. I like a meat pie. If you can see Stephen Sondheim, do not eat a meat pie. I used to put meat pies on my feet all the time. Cross dude. That is some gnarly shit.

Going back to your feet again. We're always talking about them. I don't. Onlyfans.com slash Sean's feet. He's peeing on them feet He's peeing on them He's putting them in my thighs We don't know whose pee it is because you can't see where it's coming from

Number three, my third pick I'm going to take Recliner I'm sorry I'm taking these boring picks here You're going to leave first round talent on the board I'm going to take them I love like a fucking Give me a lazy boy recliner

With the crank action And I'm back dude am I gonna take them I love like a fucking give me a lazy boy recliner with the crank action and I'm back dude what's it sound like and I'm back my feet are up I'm leaned back I'm comfortable I'm cushioned I'm enveloped oh yeah

it's fuzzy it kind of feels like I like I'm thinking of one very specifically that was in my parents' house growing up. Also my house. I lived there. But it felt like Fozzie Bear. It looked and felt kind of like Fozzie Bear from the Muppets.

And it was so comfortable. And that's what I think of when I think of recliner. But just give me any recliner. Recliner technology these days, it's phenomenal. And I don't want a motor. Get that shit out of my recliner. I want crank action. Wait, make the sound again.

I want clunk like that. Yeah. Clunk. Clunk. I mean, that's motors. No thanks. I got one with the handle. It's the best.

It needs pump action. Why are we introducing machinery into this thing? Ayo, I'm tired of using technology. And the machine doesn't go quick enough. Sometimes you just want to be back. It's not satisfying. Yeah. No.

It's not satisfying. And it's a great pick by me. It's one of the best picks. Such a good pick. A little cup holder in there. Why don't you go ahead and get something to put in that cup holder because we're going to take another short break. This episode of All Fantasy Everything

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some stuff that's non-negotiable. Some stuff like you can't... I got buddies, they can't skip leg day. Myself, my schedule is completely packed out with hanging out with my daughter. You try to pepper in work in there, it's really hard to find the time for those things that I want, that self-care stuff. I like to walk a lot. I know that sounds ridiculous

and I don't know what fun means, but I do like walking. I love to skateboard, but it's hard. I got to drive to the park. I got to get warmed up, which takes your boy a gentleman's half hour these days because these gams ain't what they used to be. But I know that's what makes me happy. And it's hard to make time for it. And when you feel like you don't have any time for yourself, it can weigh on you more than anything else. Non-negotiables like therapy are more important than ever in that situation. You need to set time, get it like I keep saying, get a new set of ears on it. If you're having a tough time finding time for yourself, if you just talk to someone, you say these things out loud, you will realize

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that's betterhelp.com slash all fantasy. Hey, we're back. Welcome back to all fantasy. Everything. One of your favorite podcasts. For everyone listening, Ian just took his shirt off and moonwalked around the whole country. Absolutely. Absolutely.

I didn't even think he could moonwalk. So I'm sorry. I'm pretty impressed. That's the last time you'll underestimate me. No, it's not. That's the first time you'll underestimate me. No, it's not. That's the first time you'll underestimate me. I'm currently hanging upside down from the ceiling of Mark Grossman's Helium Comedy

Club in Portland, Oregon. I am covered in war paint. I am on fire. I'm about to make my fourth pick. I'm consulting the list. Okay, I'm going to take a jet ski. Yeah.

That was on mine. That was on mine. That was on mine. I have ridden a jet ski on one afternoon of my life. I was 15. Only one. I don't know why it hasn't happened again. Nobody's offered.

I haven't sought it out on my own. Interesting. But it was one of the most mirth filled days of my entire life. I had a great time riding around on Oregon's Columbia River. Fuck off Washington. Jet skiing on Oregon's beautiful Columbia River. It was so much fun

and again, this is part of the activity is the jet skiing. I realize that, but a jet ski is just one giant seat that zooms all over the place. I'm sorry it is. It's a seat with a throttle and handlebars. And I just fucking loved it. And even if it's just me taking sitting on a jet ski, I'm on the water.

And it's lolling rhythmically. And I feel fantastic about life. Great pick, Ian. Yeah, it's fantastic. That's a great pick. It's elicited a lot of conversation. Only a handful have I been on, too. But it's so fun. It rules. We need a great pick. It's elicited a lot of conversation. Only a handful have I been on, too, but it's so fun.

It rules. We need a jet ski. Pittsburgh? I would. It's such an event, you know. Three. Three of them. I was thinking we all go in on a jet ski. Let's buy a jet ski.

Let's get a four-person jet ski. Oh, my gosh. A long one. Right? There'd be nothing funnier than watching Delaney drive that four-person jet ski by herself. And three empty seats behind her. I'm going to pick my friends up at another dock. At least I can see color, so.

Yeah, get him. Yeah, I have no idea what color shirts my friends are wearing when I hang out with them. On my four-person jet ski. Come on. That's a low blow. I'll tell you this, jet skis are either neon green or neon pink because those are the only

two colors. I mean, you can get like a party camo jet ski. Of neon green and pink. Snow camo, fire camo, porn camo.

This is a true thing. When I first got my very first television writing job on Chelsea Lately, the first thing I did when I got one, they were like, you'll make this much money a week.

I was like, oh, I went home and I Googled how much does a jet ski cost. And I was like, oh, alright. I want to guess if you remember. It was under 10 grand. Okay. Yeah. They're significantly less than I thought they would

be. I'm a big boat show guy. I like going to boat shows. I love a boat show. We got good ones here. I know. Most of the people at the boat show get so bummed out when they see you walk in. Why are we being mean to each other? I'm not being mean. I'm saying Jeff has a specific look.

What are we talking? What are you? It's a boat show, man. Everybody looks like me. That's a boat show look, bro. I'm pretty sure it's the only place he fits in. This is also a boat show look. I'm not saying you don't have a boat show look.

I also have a boat show look. You guys look more like you're into boats. I'm just saying they're both wearing bathing suits. Like actually being on boats. Ian and I are sitting here in like 1950s strongman's bathing suits. I'm not a boat person. I'm a boat show person. It's different.

I'm boat show dressed. You're boat dressed. What do you like about a boat show? That I can climb around other boats and play pretend. It's like Discovery Zone for grownups. They let you honk the horn sometimes. And then I just get to leave and I can drive away. I don't have to actually go out on a water or own a boat

or deal with owning a boat or any of that stuff. I am dressed like I'm listening to Steely Dan on a yacht right now. I understand that. Just to paint a picture for the listeners. Throw those beige shorts on you. Jeff, Jeff, it's time for your fourth pick. All right. I'm going to say the driver's seat of a 1994 Isuzu Amigo.

Oh, all right. Okay. Can you dive in a little bit? Is there? It's my favorite car in the world. I've never had one, but I want one so bad. Is it the seat specifically? I mean, it's a place to sit.

It falls more under my places to sit thing. So it's not like an exceptional chair. I'm sure it's a place to sit. It was, it falls more under my, the places to sit thing. So I would love to sit in that chair. I'm sure it's except, I mean, once you get in there, it's, it's the jet ski of on land. No one has ever been upset in a Azusa Amigo. It's just, it just seems like such a good life. It's almost an SUV. It's almost a truck. It's almost a Jeep, but it's none of those things. It's an azusa amigo you should get one delaney amigo means friend

that's fair it's not fair get him it's two door it's two doors so you can start light you know and work your way up yeah i'm sorry i don't know why i'm being mean and just just to sidestep this i'll just ask him at the dealership what color it is. And then I'll know the answer. This is a cute little guy. Is it like a sidekick? Is that what I'm seeing? Yeah.

It's a little bigger than that. A little bigger. I'm sure you're going to want to take a look. And right now we're looking at a picture of the car, which you can Google yourself. Go to any computer or phone and type in www.google.com. The blue one has the orange Amigo writing on the side. And that colorway, that one's the one. Jeff, I'll tell you, this is in your price range, bro.

I know, it's not that bad. I'd probably pull it off. Suzu Amigo, fantastic. Delaney, time for your fourth pick. Well, you know, I've been thinking a lot about this. Um, Suzu Amigo. Fantastic. Delaney, time for your fourth pick. Um, well, you know, I've been thinking a lot about this.

I'm saying like, uh, when there's like a, there's like a chair in the shower. Oh, yeah. Shower chair. Shower chair. Do you guys know what I'm talking about?

Sometimes there's like a, I've never sat in a shower in a chair like that was meant for an old person, but I used to have a shower that had a ledge that you could sit on the ledge pretty nice yeah icy shower even just sitting on the the bottom of the shower sometimes if you've gotten to that point in your life and as you guys can probably tell i'm i'm there constantly there so i i really enjoy having the ability to sit in a chair while i'm wallowing you know it really gives me hope wallowing or even just exfoliate oh totally other people probably yeah don't cry in the chair how happy you are from my experience the chair takes a little bit

away from the wallowing it feels more like like you have a little bit more respect like to fully wallow you gotta have no chair no you gotta be on the bottom of the shower be be in the tub as if you're in a bath but the showers i don't even care if i drown that's a true a little bit of water yeah just a little bit. Really just reflect. So I love reflection. Where did it all go wrong? A shower in a chair is fantastic. What's everyone's temperature in a shower? Hot.

Hot as hell? Super hot. It could be a thousand degrees out and I'd still have it burning my skin. I like a lot more mild. Right down the middle. Yeah. I'm a hot. I come in hot and then I like a lot more mild. Right down the middle. I come in hot and then I work my way down and then I end cold. Wow.

Ending cold seems crazy to me. I don't... You come out of that and you're electric. You're ready to go. You're tuned in to the wavelengths of the universe. You are. You're a hunter. It turns you back into an animal. I'll go to the grocery store. What animal are you tuned into? Sparrow. You turn into a spar It turns you back into an animal. No, I'll go to the grocery store. I'll get out of my hot shower and go to the grocery store. Sparrow?

You turn into a sparrow when you get out of the shower? I turn into a sparrow when I come out of the shower. That's a dumb animal. That's not a dumb animal. You just showed how little you know about sparrows. We should do that next week. How much do I know about sparrows, Jeff? Just draft animals you turn into after the shower gets cold.

A giant Pacific octopus. That's hard to maintain. But brilliant while it's here. You do have to stay wet. I'll give you that. Sean, it's time for your fourth pick and then your final pick. I like an Adirondack. Oh, yeah.

I've always liked an Adirondack. And if someone didn't know, not me, but didn't know what it was. They're like the 90 degree angle chairs, but they're tilted back a little bit. They're like wooden. They're always, or you got plastic ones too. Yeah.

If you grew up in South Dakota. They're a hard angle. It's like a right angle, just tilted back. I heard it. Fuck you. It's like a right angle tilted back. They're normally in a lawn

or like looking out at the beaches. I don't know. They're just, they're really, they're really fun. And there's a photo. I don't know. They're just really fun. And there's a photo. Again, you can Google an Adirondack. Go to AltaVista.com. You should have seen me try to

spell this. I mean, a lot of you are probably just out running errands right now while you're listening just on your way into Fred Myers or whatever. Just look at the front. There's probably a stack of them. Drive by Reed College. They have like 40 in that big field. It's not the bag of soil. It's the wood. Are you talking about

Reed College? With honors. That's my fourth pick. Why don't you Adiran deck that ass up into your fifth pick? That's good. This is going to make me... I'm going to have a hard time looking at you. Let me know if I can show you this.

A Nazi tank? Storming through Poland? It sounds terrible, but those Hugo Boss chairs. The tank drivers. It's incredible. A 1943 Mercedes. What are you driving?

Can I pick being in the chair at a Jewish wedding that everyone's hoisted up? Whoa. You want to be the groom and enjoy... Speculatively. I don't know... Yes. In fact, I'm making you draft it. Well, now I feel different, but I don't know if it's good or bad. Am I a prick for taking this?

No, you're not a prick. Okay. Why'd you say it like that? Not for taking it. Not for taking it. Not for taking it. Why'd you say it like that? It's horrifying. It's not comfortable.

It's terrifying. It's not exhilarating. No, you're relying on four of your drunkest friends, the ones who are like, I'll grab the chair. That sounds awesome, though. It's scary. I couldn't even get in there. Hold on.

Delaney, just stop listening after the words for friends. Like, that was... That's what... I don't know. I don't like this being the through line. You two are going to have to duke it out after this. Are you guys going to hoist me in a chair? We're going to hoist both of you in chairs

and you're going to have to rooster fight. It seems terrifying. The only time I've ever actually seen it done was at your wedding and there was enough people to where if you fell, you would have been fine. You would have been like crowd surfing. I wouldn't want just four people hoisting me. I would have been fine. I don't know if my grandma would have been well she wasn't in the pit i was right there trying to love someone what are we friends yeah yeah i was i was trying i couldn't

even get a hand on a leg i got muscled out i was like touching it because 13 time emmy award winner james corden was in there dude he rushed it like yeah we did at Me First and the Gimme Gimmies. I mean, he was there so quick. And I think David had a leg and Nick might have been in there. But not you. I tried. Not you. But it looked fun, man. And you did look terrified. And to me, that looks

fun. It was scary. What's the official term? It was scary. It's not like chair at a Jewish wedding. What's the term for that? Bar Mitzvah. I don't know. I don't't know i don't know there might be i don't know if we ever named it uh ira i want to be i want to be hoisted up in in ira steinowitz delay any time for your final pick all right i'm i'm gonna do do, and this doesn't happen often for me or probably other people too, but like on top of someone's shoulders. Oh, sure.

Because that, I'm so tall in that situation. Yeah. Like the tallest I've ever been. Yeah. If you're on someone else's shoulders and then you can put a trench coat on. Sneaking into the room. Sneaking anywhere. Sneaking almost anywhere.

One place. Yeah, into the movie theater. No problem. Whyaking almost anywhere. One place. Yeah, into the movie theater. No problem. Why is your stomach giggling? Because my stomach giggles. It's a condition. I'm in the NBA. Give me a ticket.

Why would I need to sneak someone in? I have an NBA contract. I'm nine foot eight. Here's a check for $8 million. I'd like to go to the movie, please. Sitting on shoulders it is you're trading comfort for a view of uh the world you know also in this situation someone is able to put you on their shoulders which makes you feel pretty pretty good yeah you know yeah yeah you know a sturdy person right yeah dude i haven't been on shoulders i don't ever remember a time when you're gonna i

could put you on my shoulders i guarantee it i don't want to feel your junk right now they're actively squatting and and they're getting on oh my gosh yeah sean is now on top of his shoulders how does the world look from there man i'm like the tallest player in the nba now yeah great look at you what am i nine two what are you victor wimba-nyama? I'm a swift 9'2 over here. Wemba-nyama. Ah, effortless. There you go. Back to earth.

We're putting some foley work in there. This is usually for like really small. Oh, my bones. Oh, my vertebrae. It's fun. It's like old time radio.

Jeff, time for your final book. I'm going to say it since we've been playing with it a little bit. It's not as rigid as before we started. So my last is this my last pick? Is your last pick? All right. I'm going to say in the fucking it's probably a real nice office chair situation.

Yeah. But it's whatever the seat next to Doris Burke. That's what I'm taking. That's where I want to sit. I'll go watch all the NBA finals games. Doris Burke is for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know a lot of people's names.

Because I like her on the call. So I don't want to... You just sit there quietly. I want her to stay. I don't even care. I could take JJ's seat. She announces NBA games. She just announced the NBA finals. Yeah, she's doing the finals.

Yeah. Okay. And I was, I knew that. You knew that. Sean didn't. I didn't know it at all. She rules.

She's awesome. Very, just affable, knowledgeable, everything you want in a broadcaster. Yeah. And you have a front row seat to an NBA finals game.

Front row seat to a, like no better seat. Where you can watch Sean up on my shoulders wearing a very long untucked jersey, just dunk after dunk and never get back on defense. Yeah, yelling at the guy who's standing right next to me as his head is cloaked as he's

watching the replay to see if Sean was or was not fouled. And he wasn't. To make it fun, what I do is I make sure my elbows are always touching my stomach to make it fair for everybody else. So my arms are real tiny while I play. They call them the T-Rex. T-Rex.

T-Rex. And I still swam dunk it. I go, swam dunk. Swam dunk. Shall we, kids? You guys do, you like baby talk, huh? Both of you? It's a big baby talk pod.

Yeah. Totally. Yeah. That's a different OnlyFans. I got the piss on the foot OnlyFans. No, I totally listen to you. Welcome to all fantasy everything. You can't get who you fancy

to act entire world. Not that you'd care. No, like people probably listen to this, so. We actually have never released an episode. This is how we make friends. We're gonna be ready though. This is our rollercoaster. You and I are gonna go to lunch after this and be like

man, we have more friends. Keep following them. That's huge. You and I are going to go to lunch after this and be like, man, we have more friends. Keep fooling them. That's huge. Time for my final pick. The final pick of the draft. Weird face coming off Ian. What am I taking? I think he's nervous.

I am nervous. No. I can smell it from here. I wonder if this is too... Tell me if this is too close to one of your picks picks i'm going to take the lay flat it is you know what i was going to take the lay flat seat no no that's different no because what's nice about it is when you're laying down we're not taking we're not drafting things to lay down i've never done it i apologize i will take the park bench yeah whoa this is a this is a

i've been fine i'm in new york city i've been there i've been walking around for like five hours i just realized that my feet hurt there's central park i'm sitting down oh my god it is a in relation to where i am pick where i'm like if i'm sitting in a park bench i usually need it oftentimes there is a bucolic verdant view. Is that when the Central Park's like where all their hair kind of comes into a circle? Verdant means green and bucolic is when babies won't stop crying. My baby's got bucolic.

I got to explain all the words to you, Sean. For God's sake, dude. For God's sake, bro. Yeah, well now I know what it means. And I just love sitting in a park. I love watching some squirrels frolic. Like, what's not to like, you know? What does bucolic mean?

Nice. Delaney? It's like idyllic a little bit. Eden. Eden. Paradise. Yeah. It's all.

Having the properties of bucol. Yeah. So a person of the people would have just said nice. Of or about bucol. Yeah. Relating to buccal. Sort of couth. Can you use it in a sentence?

Yes. I just did. It has a bucolic and verdant view. Yeah. How do you spell bucolic? Oftentimes, there's a bucolic and verdant view. Bucolic. B-U-C-O-L-I-C.

Bucolic. Ding, ding, ding. What now, bro? That was really good. I know how to spell it and use it. All right. One of us wrote a book. One of us has read a book. How you going to bow up on us, buddy? I burned a bunch of them. Yeah, I know how to spell it and use it right one of us wrote a book one of us has read a book

how you gonna bow up on us buddy I burned a bunch of them Delaney what's your relationship to books pro oh okay nice right next to you on the roller coaster I'll burn them all day fuck the war machine you think I read books

oh that thing that fucking Donald Rumsfeld read in college? No, dog. I heard Trump's got like 10 of them. Fuck that. I'll tear up a draft card all day. Well, you know, I got the art of the steel when it came to all of my picks. What a draft.

Let's go over the recap. Sean Jordan, you took a movie seat, movie theater seat, beanbag chair, dock of bay, Adirondack and Jewish wedding chair. Delaney, you went second. You took front row of a roller coaster. Really good. Booth. Another good one. Swing, shower, and on someone's shoulders.

Jeff, you went third. You took Papa's on, first class on an airplane, Barbara's chair, 94 Isuzu Amigo driver's seat, and next to Doris burke at the nba finals i went last and i took couch hot tub recliner jet ski and right here it says park bench for my final pick that's good a lot of great that randy do you have a producer's pick fuck i hate this wait what's we have one chance oh oh come get it on the mic come get it on the mic We have one, James? Oh!

Come get it on the mic! I thought that would be a first rounder. A comfortable toilet. I think we can all agree. It's similar qualities to the park bench. Whereas when you are sitting on it, it is necessary. When you need to take a big old growler, there's no place better than

toilets. I have a bidet at home. You have a bidet at home? You could do that on any of these seats. You could take a shit on any one of these seats. When did you get the bidet? Was it a COVID thing or you always had one? No, not always had one. Kind of a recent purchase, just trying to grow. You know, emotionally physically.

Did you build it in or did you buy it and have it installed? Tushy. You can get a bidet on Tushy. Sponsor of all fantasy everything. Shout out Tushy. Sometimes. Coming up. Oh, it is? In like two weeks or something. Hell yeah, dude. Exactly. A little early ad for Tushy. Wash your ass. You better wash your ass.

All fantasy everything says you better wash your ass. Hit us up. We want to hear yours. We want to hear your picks. Hit us up. We want to hear yours. We want to hear your picks. Hit us up at allfantasypod at gmail.com. Wait, am I doing this wrong? Why doesn't this feel right? I'm panicking. Hit us up at allfantasypod on Twitter, allfantasypodcast at gmail.com.

Gangster mail. Shout out to everyone on the All Fantasy Everything Patreon where you can find live episodes from the tour we are about to embark on or are currently on, depending on whether this comes out or just returned from. Mailbag episodes, auction drafts, all sorts of other exclusives. We appreciate the support.

We truly, truly do. Shout out to everyone on the All Fantasy Everything. The AFE subreddit. Shout out to all of our producers. Isaac for mixing this. Randy for sitting in with us bus gets for drafting a fucking toilet baby yeah that's a good thing a clutch pick shout out to saint sue carmel who i will be seeing later tonight shout out to frankie ocean shot to

sit the dude shot to haji beats and more importantly than all of that tune in again next week to another brand new episode of all fantasy, everything. Who's going to say it? Sha-clack-a-seat. Sha-clackity? Delaney, will you say it, please? Will you say sha-clackity? No. Jeff, will you say sha-clackity? Sha-clackity.

Very well. that was a hate gun podcast