All Fantasy Everything - The Suburbs (w/ Shane Torres, David Gborie, and Sean Jordan)

Episode Date: December 14, 2023

Suburb (noun): an outlying part of a city or town.Episode Guest:Shane Torres @ShaneTorres (IG: @ShaneTorres)Support the show!Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for ad-free episodes, mailbags, and video pre-rolls.Advertise on AFE!Advertise on All Fantasy Everything via Gumball.fm.Follow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel @IanKarmel (IG: @IanKarmel)Sean Jordan @SeanSJordan (IG: @SeancougarmelonJordan)David Gborie (IG: @Coolguyjokes87)Isaac K. Lee @IsaacKLee (IG: @IsaacKLee)See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Winery in New York City. It's me. It's Josh Gondelman. It's Shane Torres. It's Emmy Blotnick. You can get your tickets now to come see that show. It's going to be great. The next day, January 5th, I'm going to be at the City Winery in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. And on the 6th, I'm going to be at the City Winery in Boston, Massachusetts, doing my jokes, doing my hour. Please come out and see it. It's going to be great. January 19th and 20th, I'm going to be in Fort Worth at Hyena's Comedy Club, February 1st through the 3rd. Me and the AFE boys are going to be doing stand-up and all fantasy everything. Come get tickets for that. I'm going to be at Zany's in Chicago, Illinois on February 18th for one show only. Tickets to that are going fast, so make sure you scoop those up. I'm going to be in New Orleans,

Nolens, at Sports Drink on March 8th and 9th. And then I'm going to be at the Punchline in San Francisco, March 13th through the 16th, getting ready for my shows the next weekend in Portland at Revolution Hall, March 23rd,

where I will be recording my first special in 10 years. Tickets to that are going fast as well. So please scoop those up. Uh, and also you can preorder my book t-shirt swim club right now. It's a book about being fat in a world for thin people, growing up fat,

fat people in popular culture. Uh, it's essays, it's jokes, it's humor. It's how to, it's wisdom for my sister who's a doctor, uh, and pre-orders help so much.

So if you're thinking about getting that book, a pre-order would go a long way to help. It lets the publishers know how hard they should advertise it. Weirdly, the more pre-orders, the harder they go. So yeah, make sure you check all those out. I can't wait to see you. Thank you to everyone who's come out on the road to see me already. And, uh, I just love you guys. So I can't, it's been great meeting you to everyone who's come out on the road to see me already. And I just love you guys. It's been great meeting you in person.

I want to meet even more of you in person. So I'll see you out there on the road. This is all Fantasy Everything. The podcast that fantasy drafts anything and everything from the world of pop culture. On this episode, we're drafting the suburbs. Our guest today is

an open mic. I think mostly an open mic these days. I got some new stuff and I'd really love your toodle, Aegean. I'm going to put him under my wing, the big old wing. I'm going to give him a hug. I'm going to sort of lead him up this hill known as comedy. His name is

Shane Torres. My name is Ian Carmel. And I'm joined as always by my good friends, David Boyd and Sean Jordan. Let's frigging do it. Hey, hey, welcome to All Fantasy Everything, y'all. No. Hi! I know where you're going.

Hi, welcome to All Fantasy Everything, y'all. Hi there, Buttercup. Welcome to a brand new episode of All Fantasy. Hey. Hey. Hey, welcome to All Fantasy Everything. Do Ian. Okay, I'll do an impression of Ian. Hey, Shane. I'm back on the road. What's my goobies like?

Not too goddamn proud to ask about it now, are you? I did it. Oh, you did it. You made my money dried up. You have to come back to the mines. Hang out with all the other coal workers. The TV money is still incredibly wet. Sorry, I don't work for a living.

It's still incredibly wet. No more mailbox checks for you, buddy. The TV money remains wet, my friend, but I just enjoy stand-up comedy. No more mailbox checks. Mailbox money, very real. Magoobies is not bad. No, it's not. No.

It's bad when your friends are making fun of it on a podcast for seven years. Yeah, we gave you way too much shit for Magoobies. Ian said they have a big picture of your face in the urinal at Magoobies. Oh, yeah. I did not say that. I did not say that. Marketing's huge for me. Yeah. I sent you the picture they have of you at Magoobies. Oh, yeah. I did not say that. Marketing's huge for me.

I sent you the picture they have of you at my Goobies. They got a Shane Torres picture up there on the wall of comedians. You got good headshots. When your face is on the wall, you usually got a cool one. Yeah. Thanks. Well, you're on every club, too. It's not like poor Sam Talent, who's got that weird one where he's blowing a party blower for some reason. He's wearing umbros and his legs are crossed like a woman. You mean Elizabeth Colorado's favorite tight end, Sam Talent, right?

Mr. Starting. Did you see that picture? The most tight end football ever played. He doesn't look like it. Let's not back to high school footballs utilizing the tight end all the time. You're a sixth lineman. We actually ran Clint Noe a lot,

but that's neither here nor there. Some quarterbacks, that's about as far as they can get in high school. Did I see... They're from Oklahoma. Sam Talent posted his prom picture. Oh yeah, I was there. Big red. That Suge Knight looking suit. He had a cane. Yeah, he went with

Ressa Vandegrift. Yeah, he had a cane. That was his date? No, her name is Ressa. That was just her name. I was making a joke. Oh, I'm sorry. That's not going to get me to my goobies. That's not how you get invited back to my goobies.

Let me tell you about that problem your boy was in there fairly drunk on gold schlager yeah the drink of choice well let's start talking about the subject and start wasting oh yeah yeah you were hitting pay dirt you were hitting pay dirt in there yeah yeah i was going for it my date was not drunk on Goldschlager. Not all that amused, but we were having a good time. So we're drafting the suburbs. We'll do the plugs in a second. But when we say suburbs, we're just drafting. This is one of our general drafts.

This is just where we take an idea, the suburbs. It's the holidays right now. We are among them. Many of us are returning to the suburbs. Some of us live in the suburbs. We're drafting just things about the suburbs. Correct? Yeah. That's how we all talk.

I'm sorry. I got distracted. My bad. I meant to turn my... What did you say? Where am I? What was the strategy? We're drafting unincorporated municipalities? It wasn't the pre-show banter, was it?

That was distracting you? You didn't have Instagram still open, did you? No, I did not have the... I wasn't meditating. Anyway. So that's just basically what we're doing. Our guest today, of course, is our dear friend Shane Torres. At Shane Torres on Twitter.

At Shane Torres on Instagram. At Syrup Mountain still anywhere? I'm Shane Torres across everything. Syrup Mountain in our hearts. Shane Torres on TikTok, I'm sure. Shane Torres on YouTube, crucially. Crucially, yes. Oh, my God, yeah.

Is it still coming out on the 15th? The Blue Eyed Mexican? December 10th. YouTube, crucially. Crucially, yes. Oh my God, yeah. Is it still coming out on the 15th? December 10th. December 10th. That was the unintentional misdiagnosis of days. December 10th, 2024. 2024. Do I do not do it? The amount of anxiety I'm having over this.

If someone who just shot a special, you don't need to be a prick about this, Jordan. Also, Sean shot an average. Where are you protesting from? Jesus. Easy on me. My average is going to come

out soon. This is my old room, Shane. Did Laura become a witch? What is going on with these photos? My sister became a witch. This is my old room. Oh, you're an SD. Isaac, if you can do a little cutout, I want people to see this angel on the wall.

It's straight out of Spencers. If you've met Sean, it's the tattoo he has on his back. It's a poster on the wall. Ask me and I'll show you. Honestly, if you just close your eyes and say can't wake up, it'll manifest. It'll manifest. you'll see it sean your special was very special very funny i just i made that little joke i made that little

joke but i was there in person and i couldn't have had a better time i watched it all the way through twice i never left it was very fun i never laughed i thought you're gonna say i never laughed no i never left i never left i laughed repeatedly sean's uh shane's average comes out December 10th instead of a special it's average if average is a 9 then yeah it's a high average baby fucking teddy ball game there he goes

December 10th on mine and Burt Kreischer's YouTube channels yes the blue eyed Mexican to the moon Shane Torres is The blue-eyed Mexican. To the moon. Shane Torres is the blue-eyed Mexican. I've called you that.

I can't wait for people to see this. We were pretty heated and we were talking about the Middle East. We were saying a lot of things we didn't want to say. A lot of people calling people different types of eaters. It was a tough night. Different types of eaters. That's when tough night. Different types of eaters. That's when you know it's racist. That would have been one of the nicest things I called you. Funk it, blank eater.

Like you just insert whatever they eat. It's always bad. There's a Dunkin' Donuts on my block and it has like this, like they're doing their holiday advertisements are up and there's like a gift box that has a tag on it that says to donut lover. And the fact that there's not a donut lover or my favorite donut lover,

the fact that it just says to donut lover makes it seem kind of like racist. Oh yeah. Any lover is also racist. Yeah. Lovers were a bunch of blank lover weather, weather. Like if you're like, Oh,

this is real blah, blah, blah, weather. Yeah. Oh yeah. or like snow slash animal combination like oh yeah yeah yeah kind of just like yeah weather yeah the weather modifier yeah the climate yeah oh those guys they're nothing but a bunch of airplane blankers oh you mean you're talking about fog

blankies? Yeah, those guys. The tropical Irish? Yeah. Yeah. Dumber and even more inbred than their ancestors. Oh, you know how people from Trinidad are. The tropical Irish.

I've said that to Toboggan's. I've only known one Trinidadian and he was fantastic. You think St. Patrick's Day is a violent parade? I do think that. The West Indies parade in New York looks lovely. It's one of the

one days a year i stay in yeah the caribbean day parade is insane i think i might have talked about it on this podcast it's my favorite event in all of new york yeah you guys have parades though your people are parading yeah there's like dominican and puerto rican like it's

like every nationality gets what it's awesome i like caribbean day parade is nothing but like huge butts and jerk chicken it's awesome. The Caribbean Day parade is nothing but huge butts and jerk chicken. Do you guys have carnival? In San Francisco, they had carnival in the city one time. That's like a Rio festival. I don't even really want to

talk about it. Do they have a Jew parade in New York? No, no, no. You're not going to get me. You're not going to get me. You're not going to get me. Not today, doctor. They already got me

and I'm loving it. It's called South Williamsburg. That's right. Friggin' Jew parade. It's a whole city, baby. You can see the Blue-Eyed Mexican on Shane Torres' YouTube channel or on Burt Kreischer's YouTube channel. Make sure you check it out. It's going to be so, it's going to be wonderful.

It's not just a special. It's a wonderful. Shane's wonderful. I heard so many amazing reviews of your special from comedians, by the way, who notoriously don't volunteer nice information about other comedians unless it was really good. Yeah, you got to rip for comics to like it. I appreciate y'all. I got screeners, by the way, and like a new cut of screener. Like, if you guys want to see it.

Get the Dropbox. I got to see the early one. Phenomenal. You have physical copies? Or like digital links? Yeah, mailing it out like award season. No, you fucking goon. So you got a link then. We've talked about it. Come on. You have physical copies? Yeah, I'm mailing it out like awards season. No, you fucking goon.

So you got a link then. We've talked about it. Come on. I want it on VHS, dude. I'm going to start handing out download cards. It's going to get real dark. I want it on VHS and the big Disney shell case. Oh, why were they so much bigger than everybody else? I don't know. They were satisfying. So they'd catch you at the video store.

So you'd see them. So that'd be what at the video store. They would like to see them. So that'd be what you'd focus on. So the hidden pornography on the cover was much bigger. I was going to Blue Chips. Yeah, dude. Yeah, I knew where I was going. Above the rim. God damn it, because that's what I demand of you. That was my Nick Nolte in Blue Chips.

I love it. It was good. A white male star such as myself got to be worth at least $200,000. Come on. If you say it's a sheep with sheep, it's alleged that you sleep with sheep. Yeah. New York boat drove. There's a lot.

We could quote that movie all day. Come on, man. You know those Tessa Byas. All right, Luke Conner Jr. In that movie. Oh, come on. Oh, yeah. You got the boy's name is actually Butch.

He had to have himself some freckles. And they made Rahul Abdamad X or none of that shit. Just all these white basketball coaches. He's just laying into it. It's so fucking great. Man, I might have to watch that. Shane, where can people, are you taking a break for the

holidays or can people see you do live stand-up as well? No, I'm not taking a break ever. I'm booked for June already. Oh, man, dude. Buddy, come on. I'll see you out there though. But coming up, when does this come out? I'm sorry.

It's the first episode of december which makes it uh the sixth we already have one in the bank with you the week oh we have one in the bank with you so this comes out right this will be the second one of december right yeah this will be the the the 13th okay lovely so i will be in new orleans the day this comes out. 14th, my bad. 7th and 14th, sorry. Yes, I'll be there on the 14th in New Orleans and Houma, Louisiana on the 15th, Lake Charles, Louisiana on the 16th, and then

I will be in our old stomping ground, last shows of the year, Portland, Oregon, New Year's Eve, Helium Comedy Club, headlining the home club on New Year's. Kind of a big one. Who's featuring who's featuring for you i wonder i don't know probably some fucking local hack who's gonna be there see if you can get jeff tate i might oh you know who's good you know

who's really good amanda arnold i'd like oh yeah that'd up. Yeah. A lot of talent available. Yep. But just not Sean. No. Right? It's going to be me. I'm doing it. Yeah, I think Sean Jordan's going to be there, and the kitty cat canane might drop on by, too,

so it could be a fun night. I'd have a drink or two. Holy buckets. Yeah. You? Yeah. Get around these two Irish piss ants. It'll be,

it'll be great. Irish piss ant. That's the first time you've, uh, yeah. You haven't said, I watched the departed the other day and he calls a Marky Mark and Irish piss ant.

So, and you almost made me spit up all my fucking coffee. That was your first time seeing The Departed, right? What did you think? Yeah, it was pretty good. I'm going to watch it again. God, you have seen that movie more times than most people hold their kids in a day. That and The Notebook.

I've seen those. Those are the two because those are the airplane movies now. You don't ever get sick of them? No. God, no. Not yet. Once Upon a Time in Hollywood and Straight Outta Compton. Those four are the airplane movies right now. You don't ever get sick of them? No. God, no. Not yet. Once Upon a Time in Hollywood and Straight Outta Compton. Those four are the airplane movies right now.

My God. Notoriously happy ending. We gotta get you one smart thing before you die. No. Maxine is smart as hell. I don't care if it's a... No, I mean like a thing... Like a book or like a classic film or...

You know, actually, Mozart composed this just before he passed. Like one. Oh, that would be good. That would be cool for you to see if Ian's book can, uh, can, can hold my attention.

I'm hoping it can't. It's not the dirt, but there's definitely some titles of debauchery in it. Nothing is the dirt. The dirt. The dirt. Uh, David Borey is here. Cool dirt's the dirt. It's not the dirt. David Borey is here. CoolGuyJokes87 on Instagram. Yeah.

Where can people see you doing stand-up comedy? Or just anything. Where would you like to direct people? January 12th and 13th I'm going to be headlining Hilarities in Cleveland, Ohio. And then the next weekend... Yeah, I love it. I love it. The big room. Because, you know, we've also done the small room. And then the next weekend... Yeah, I love it. The big room. Because, you know,

we've also done the small room. And then the next weekend, I'm at the comedy bar in Seattle. That's all I got on there. Sean Jordan is here. Sean S. Jordan on Twitter. Sean Cougar Melon Jordan on Instagram. Sean... I'm going to learn

it, but I don't know it yet. What's it on YouTube? Sean Jordan Comedy. Sean Jordan Comedian on YouTube it, but I don't know it yet. What's it on YouTube? Sean Jordan Comedy. Sean Jordan Comedian on YouTube, yeah. I will be with Shane Torres. I'm happy about it. December 29th through December 23rd, Helium Comedy Club. You still got to get it cleared. I cleared it, baby,

with the new manager, so you can take a fly and leave. I'm already doing it. December 29th through December 23rd? Through December 31st. One smart thing. You're going to be there the 29th? I'm going to be there the 29th through December 23rd? Through December 31st. One smart thing. You're going to be there the 29th? I'm going to be there the 29th. High note comedy, Portland, Oregon. December 28th, we're having a little holiday show.

Might have some friends in town. Maybe they drop by and do some sets. Who's to say? And then January 18th through 21st will be the Snow Jam Comedy Festival in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. February 1st through the 4th, we're going to be at... Shane started laughing when I said it. I know, man. We try. We try. We'll be at the Snow Jam Comedy Festival in Sioux Falls, South Dakota February 1st through the 4th. We're going to be at... Shane started laughing

when I said it. I know, man. We try. We'll be at CBLive at Phoenix. Doing the Snow Jam. I know. The Snow Jam. I know. Hey, they rule. They're amazing. Anything I can do to come home. I'm a wonderful people show too, but that name is

shit. No, it's a dank name. Other than that, I'll just be chilling out it's such a it's such a good name for a comedy festival you know it's great anyway i'm doing it i'm excited that's it that's the guy coming up that's it when's your average coming out probably february i think going back back to the bank. Yeah. I don't know. We gotta get it done because we're doing an album with it. So we need to like, they need to come out kind of the same time, I think. So late

January, early February. Because Shane's is coming out December 10th. Yeah. Available on his YouTube. Mine's coming out like Shane's will be out, I guess we should say. It's out. Watch it again. Watch it twice. Run the numbers. guess we should say it's out. Yeah. Watch it again. Yeah.

No, this comes out twice. Run the numbers out this year. Share it for fuck's sake. I need you to share it. Share it. Share it. You got to make physical copies,

man. Bootlegs. You sell, you got to move units, dude. I'm going to do vinyls. Oh, nice.

Those are expensive. Laser disc or laser disc. LDs. LDs nuts. Or Laserdisc. Or Laserdisc. LDs. LDs nuts. Larry David's nuts. Larry David's nuts. Hold my... My name is Ian Carmel,

at Ian Carmel on Twitter, Ian Carmel on Instagram, Ian Carmel on TikTok, Ian Carmel on YouTube, though I don't post anything really on YouTube. But follow me anyway, because I will, once I have longer form of things to post.

But in the meantime, you can see me doing live stand-up comedy. I'm going to be in Shane Torres's old stomping grounds. I'm going to be at Hyena's on the 19th and 20th. When? January. Of February? Of January, 19th and 20th. I love a Dallas weekend.

God damn it. I got to be in Cincinnati. Oh, I would love to be there with you. Why are you playing in Cincinnati? We can talk about this later. Never mind. Yeah, we'll do it later. But yeah, you know, go bananas.

19th and 20th. If you come in a day early, I'll show you a good time. But, dog. what's his name apparently for that they're gonna do blow job shots during your set it's like a comedy club comedy club comedy club like one of those comedy club comedy club it's it's a snow jam of a comedy club and it is well it's the only test comedy club in in the world it the only Pantera themed comedy club in the world it's a Pantera themed comedy club?

Dimebag Darryl's from there isn't he? yeah yeah they're like I'm not joking dude the lobby the lounge is like all Pantera memorabilia well your boy Chinaman was like he wrote hard I'm serious he wrote hard for hyenas

I'm not being a prick he's a comedian named Chinaman look like he wrote hard I'm serious he wrote hard for hyenas he's I'm not being a prick he's a comedian named Chinaman look him up but he would always go in and he was like a carbon copy of Dimebag Daryl he wore the leather hat all that shit see I'm a DCC guy but that's just cause they give you your bonuses

I've been to a Pantera concert so I'm hoping to thrive at Hyenas Comedy Club come out and so I'm hoping to thrive at Hyena's Comedy Club. Come out and see me there. Hoping to thrive. Going to do really well. All right. You're going to do great.

We'll see. I'm going to have a good time no matter what, because I haven't really spent any time in that part of the country. Phoenix, of course, we will be at February 1st, 2nd, and 3rd. We're going to be at CB Live. Us doing stand-up and live, all fantasy, everything. And then I will be at the Punchline in San Francisco, March

13th through the 16th. And then Revolution Hall in Portland, March 23rd. So come out to those shows. You're doing it up, buddy. Getting out there. Stand-up comedy. I think there's a rat in the wall, dude. I really do.

See, this is what happened. You watched it depart and then all of a sudden you start seeing rats everywhere. I'm telling you, I can hear it going like boom, boom, boom. It's right next to my head. And I'm telling Laura, this house is so cluttered that I went in the closet and I was like, it's too cluttered to get back there. And it feels like somewhere in a Pixar movie where a

family of rats would build their universe in this wall, you know? And then they'd have to like venture out of the house for some reason or whatever. But I can hear them right here. I swear there's rats in this wall. How are you going to handle it? Get drunk, I guess.

Sleep here. Hold on. It's the rat that... Laura? Stop. We don't talk about that. The Laura what, Shane? My wife? What are you talking about my wife,

Shane? I'm talking about your saint of a wife. There you go. The fact that she married beneath her. It's not that. She did. Thank God. She saved me. God, I'd be so sad if I was growing old with you. Just me and you. I tell her that

every day. Man, I'll do these bits and I'm like, I'm going to do it until one of us is dead. I'll do the fries bit. What are these? Fries? We got a long spoon. We have a spoon that extends. It's nice to know that you save your best stuff for her. No, this

is a good one. So we have a spoon that for some reason extends. It starts out like a normal spoon, but you can pull it out so it's like four feet long. And so I'll be like, oh, that looks good, and I'll just pull, I'll extend the spoon and I'll just dip into her soup or whatever with a four-foot spoon. That's perilous trying to get that long

spoon back full of soup, though. It always, always gets a laugh. It always gets a laugh. I'm going to do it until one of us is done. My God, dad jokes. Just a peek, Just a peek behind the Gilded curtain So many puns

Once the book comes out Oh, thank you very much June 11th, T-shirt swim club A book I wrote with my little sister Stories about growing up fat Being fat In grade school, middle school, high school, college. Some stand-up comedy stuff

in there too. And then Losing Weight. For me writing from a comedic perspective, my little sister, who's a doctor, coming in. Wild. Yeah. Crazy, right? Coming in with that perspective. So pick that up.

You can pre-order it now. Pre-orders really, really, really, really, really help. It's a great holiday gift if they don't want it until June. Did Ivan ask if his name is actually in print in this book? It's in the acknowledgements. Okay.

Or did he have to write the jacket forward? He wrote the, he decided to see the, he didn't have to write the jacket. He demanded. I'm pretty sure he did the book art.

He did everything. He demanded to see the galleys, you know what I mean? He's all over it. He's top to bottom on this one. We're getting you today not only to talk about Ivan Carmel, although that would be a worthy topic. Can we draft him someday? Let's do it. We'll bring him up on stage.

Things Ivan has said. You got any boo? You're so damn Midwestern. Ivan, how do you think that Taylor Swift concert was? Who gives a fuck? Shane Torres is in a tie. Ivan is walking around with no shirt on. What did he do as a wedding speech,

mean old bastard? That's right, he did. He got a big laugh, too. He got a pop. He's huge. Huge. Just giving us all double Windsors. I'm going to have to tie all your stupid ties. Yep. The funniest thing of that whole

day was being up in the groomsman room and having your dad like it was so hot. Oh yeah. It was just standing shirtless in front of the fan. Yeah. And like nipples hard as diamonds. Oh yeah. He's a sensitive nipple man.

It was like being in Bob Dylan's dressing room. It was he always has been it was crazy he's got his kind of old man body now too you know like old gut old dude gut and it was great it was fantastic not old but you know what I mean we're drafting the suburbs just like Quiet Riot did we were drafting the suburbs

except they were talented remember that song Rock in the Suburbs? No, I remember Come On, Feel the Noise. That's about the only Quiet Riot song I know, right? Rocking the Suburbs, I think it's by Ben Folds. Yeah, we're rocking the suburbs. Oh, Rocking the Suburbs. I know that song.

That's what I just quoted. But you said Quiet Riot. Quiet Riot. Just like Quiet Riot did. We're rocking the suburbs, just like Quiet Riot did. We're rocking the suburbs, except they Riot did. We're rocking the suburbs except they were talented. I didn't know that was...

I thought you were just saying... I thought you were just saying that like words that you were saying about Quiet Riot. I didn't know that. I get it. I get it. Man, I can't stop reading books.

It's fun to be a reader. Let's go. The way we determine the order of this draft... The way we determine the order of this draft is to a roll can come of rock, paper, scissors play between the order of this draft, the way we determine the order of this draft is to a roll can go with rock, paper, scissors, play between

the three of you. I think you mean stones, clippers, and wrappers. Stones, clippers, stones, clippers, and wrappers. And we throw on the count of three pence. One, two, three.

Oh! Three-way tie. Three-way tie. One, two, three. Oh! Freeway tie. Freeway tie. Rock, paper, scissors, sheet. Jesus. Sean wins. Sean throws the scissors against two rocks. It's a victory, isn't it?

It is. It is. As you win a rock, paper, scissors, and come upon you to determine the order ofiper. I lost it. If I ever had it. To determine the order of today's draft. But before you do that, keep in mind it is a serpentine draft.

What is that? That's a great question. Well, since Shane's in Chicago, it's kind of like putting mustard on a glizzy. Oh, glizzy. You start at the bottom. Oh, what? For me, a glizzy, a hot dog. I don't know where glizzy came from.? for me a glizzy hot dog

I don't know where glizzy came from I used the term glizzy in the episode with Blair I felt weird about it I don't like it I prefer hot dog Shane Brendan says glizzy for days I don't know where it came from it's been going on for a while

for like 5 years right? I think it's a ballpark thing am I crazy? years, right? I think it's a ballpark thing. Am I crazy? Well, they used to call guns glizzies in D.C. I don't know, man. Whatever. Do the mustard thing. Putting mustard on a hot dog.

You just start at the bottom and go left to right all the way up. No, you said glizzy. Commit. Put mustard on a glizzy. It's like you're putting mustard on a glizzy. You just get your glizzy and you take the mustard and you start down at the bottom on the bottom left and then you go to the right a little bit and then you go up and then you go to the left a little bit. You go up a little bit and

then you go to the right until you got mustard on the whole glizzy. And then you have yourself a good day at the ballpark. And then you go home and you'd be with your wife and kids and you just thank the Lord that you're alive. It's a good thing. Enjoy some ballpark, enjoy a sunny day, go to the lake and get some wind in your face, your hair. Do you have a little Chicago accent in there? Trying. I don't really have it. It always goes Nordic when I do it. Every now and then, a tiny bit of Dan the Chicago accent will slip out, and it's very cute. Yeah, that shit rules.

When something West doesn't really get popular. You're in traffic, and they're like, this is worse than the fucking Sox. What do you mean? A bunch of fucking Cub fans up here. Where's the giant in there? This stupid ding ding. Ian, your brake pads are going out, bud.

Did you remember to pick up the celery salt from Trader Joe's? Come on now, hon. I don't ask for a lot. $60 a week week I bust my ass making zippers down on the south side and you can't get me a little bit of garlic salt how about some sugar

I haven't had any of that in a while either are you going to find yourself a nice Chicagoan woman to bed down with while you're there Shane Torres or are you waiting for Madison I love Chicago girls actually I think they're the best. I'm married to one. They're the best. You picked out, you really went

to the right place, man, because the girls here are so sweet and fun and great drinkers. Oh, yeah. I mean, you have to. That town's built for it. Yeah. Yeah, I'm built for it. You still got it in you. Pittsburgh, that was where I last saw you.

Sorry. That's right. If you pick fourth in the first round, you pick first in the second round. Now, with that in mind, Sean Jordan. Sean Jordan. Now, with that in mind, Sean Jordan. What will the order be? Shane.

Myself, David, Ian. Hot corner. Hot corner there. Which means, Shane, David, Ian, hot corner, hot corner there, which means Shane, you have the first pick in the suburbs, all fantasy, everything fantasy draft. And we're going to get to that pick right after this short break.

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There's at least 15 podcasts. That's what inspired the No Accounting for Taste podcast with Shane and Kanaan. That's right. Shane and Kanaan. You guys need a better first situation. Yeah and Kanaan you guys need a better situation Shanean Shanean Shanean

Shanean Shanean I got everybody start calling themselves kitty cats and Kyle is really mad about it Kyle's fans the kitty cats and Kyle is really mad about it. Kyle's fans, the kitty cats? Yeah. I like that.

He loves kitty cats. That makes sense. He deeply loves kitty cats. Yeah. He hates everything else though. Not mountain biking. That's true. Mountain biking. CC DeVille. CC DeVille.

And the suburbs. Some Diamond Dave, I'll tell you that. mountain biking, CC DeVille, CC DeVille. And the suburbs. He likes some diamond Dave. I'll tell you that. We also love the suburbs. Shane, you love the suburbs. What is the first pick in the suburbs draft? The first pick in the suburbs draft for me will be petty vandalism.

Oh, you can get away with anything. It's so rad. Yeah, just whatever. It didn't matter where. We would steal Chromies. We would steal hood ornaments. It was residential. It was industrial. It was on schools. It was

non-stop. God damn it, it got out of hand for a while with us. Oh, yeah. We really... One of my friends burned down the playground at the high school or at the elementary school. What?

That turned into arson. Yeah. Yeah, that's not petty anymore. As it often does, you know? Yeah. It's a stepping stone. How did he burn down the play area? It was wood?

It usually seems like the kind of wood that would be hard to catch fire. It was like right when uh playground stopped being metal bolts and two by fours and it was like plastic plastic yeah and he would like always play with fire and always yeah and he it, it went up so goddamn fast. The plastic caught on fire? Yeah, the slide melted like in half, like there was half, because it burned from the bottom up, because that's where he lit it on fire.

Yeah. And then like, it was just like melting down. It looked like cheese, you know, like melting off of a sandwich. I think he did that school a favor. If that part if that player is going up that fast, was he using gasoline? What did he have? Kerosene? I can't even remember.

I honestly think it was like just shit he found in his dad's garage. Some Zippo fuel? Yeah. Sounds like the structural integrity was questionable at best for this here playground. But the moral integrity was quite questionable amongst all of us. Wow, what do you do? You know, we're bored.

You got to do something out here. They had trash day where they would have, you could put out all your big trash on the curb. Toilets and sinks, whatever, microwaves and shit. So we'd go around and get the biggest trash and we'd throw it off of parking ramps. I mean, it was just the best. I would never do that in Portland. I wouldn't even think to do that because there might be someone walking around randomly or something. But here we're like bombs away.

I said, we got to get you one smart thing. But I think it's a miracle you got to score Sacy movies if that's what you were doing. It's a miracle that I did anything, my friend. I was on TV. And not the local news either. No, the microwave thrower was on television. Throwing a microwave off a bridge. I'm the blue-eyed Mexican and you're the microwave thrower.

I like to think somebody saw you on TV. Regional wrestling. I'd go see that show. Yeah, man. A little vandalism here and there. I shy away from some of the stuff that we did just because I don't want people thinking I'm a...

Well, it's not fine now, but I'm going to draft it. Yeah. But I mean, Hood Ornaments was a big one. I have a friend who had a younger brother who still does. I still have a friend who still has a younger brother who who still does. I still have a friend who still has a younger brother who in high school, he and his group of friends

had a group called FSU, which stood for Fuck Shit Up. Absolutely. Yeah, of course. It was a hardcore gang too. I think they would not, was it really? A hardcore like music gang, yeah.

Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. They would knock the rear view mirrors off of cars and just like break car windows and I think knock mailboxes off. Oh, man. It made the news. We used to smash mailboxes.

Me and Sam, we had this fish pond in this housing development and get the biggest rocks that we could. And then we would just, he would drive and I would hang out the side and just hook giant rocks and watch the mailboxes explode amazing good times there was a i gotta say his name because it's too funny not to there was a dude named sherry o'terry in my high school yeah that's good yeah and like uh i remember he would he took hood. He would snatch hood ornaments sometimes. Yeah. Yeah. And maybe we should have let his, but he would carry around a Dodge Ram in his pocket and

be like, I'll fuck you up with this. Because that's a Ram's head, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it wasn't him, but maybe it wasn't, but I can't remember who it was, but somebody was snatching all the hood ornaments from all the teachers' cars in the high school parking lot.

And they were like, open your locker. We know you're the one stealing it. And it wasn't somebody else, I think, because they're stealing all these hoodwarnermen. He goes, no. And they were like, we're going to get the janitor up here to open your locker. Then he goes, okay. Did they? They opened the locker, and all these hoodwarnermen fell out.

Yeah. And they were like, go to the principal's office. And then he just left school and never came back. I'll get a warrant. Go get your warrant. At least he wasted some of their time. Pretty cool. I don't think it was ****, but it might have been. What's young **** up to these days?

I have no idea. He never came back, Ian. Caldecott medal winner. Maybe we should bleep his name just in case. He might be a dangerous person now. Say a different, say a made-up name real quick

and hopefully Isaac can just dub that over the other one, but say it real fun. Sherry O'Terry. I love that. I'll use that. Okay. Sherry O'Terry.

Sean. Sean Teflon. Hell yeah. The Teflon Don. Sean. Sean Teflon. Hell yeah. The Teflon Don, baby. The Teflon Sean. Sean. Sean. Sean.

Vaughn. Sean Vaughn Jovi. Time for your first pick. Chain restaurants. All day. Yeah. Yeah. Applebee's.

Right. You know, Applebee's mainly was ours. Love them. Yeah. It's just like we went to Applebee's before prom. you know, Applebee's mainly was ours. Love them. Yeah, it's just like, we went to Applebee's before prom. I mean, that's crazy. I went to a place called Fuzzy's Tacos before prom.

Oh, you took away, no. He went afterwards, too. What is your... We've never done a chain restaurant. I did not. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we did. We did chain restaurants. Did we do a chain restaurant. I did not. Yeah, we did. We did chain restaurants. Did we do a chain restaurant? I think we did it with Shane.

I think we did it with Shane. No, I don't think so. I don't know that we did. Maybe we did. Maybe it was forever ago. What are your top chain restaurants? Applebee's. I like Chili's. Do you enjoy eating in an Applebee's? I love eating in an Applebee's. Applebee's is I like Chili's. Do you enjoy eating in an Applebee's? I love eating in an Applebee's. Applebee's is kind of trash.

I just fucked up some Chili's. I just fucked up some Chili's last week, though. What about a Bennegan's? I haven't been to a Bennegan's. We didn't have those out west. That's because you love the Monte Cristo. I do. And Bennegan's is Irish-y. That's one of their...

They're just upper scale. I love an Olive Garden Irish-y. That's one of their they're like just upper scale. I love an Olive Garden to this day. Love an Olive Garden. Olive Garden lets me down. I was working at Bennigan's when they all closed. Did I tell you about that? I might have told you the story before. I was working at Bennigan's. Is that where you stole

the TV? Yeah. But it wasn't a TV. Wasn't it like a fridge or something? It was an industrial meat slicer. Yeah, that's right. So then I'm not talking about that. Sounds like Isaac's Friday night. Yeah. Red leather

meat slicer, dude. Big old pendulum bellend swinging, knocking those knees. Yeah, thick with it. What'd you do with the meat slicer? Did you get it off? Or like, did you have it for a while? Yeah, I sold it. Because they closed without telling anyone. And I

walked around to the back of the room. There was a note that says we're closed forever. And I walk around the back and I see my manager and I was like, what the fuck's going on? I thought I had a job. And he goes, I don't want to talk about it. Just take whatever you want. And then, uh,

yeah. And then, um, yeah. So I stole a bunch of food, a bunch of like boxes of steaks and chicken and the meat slicer. And then, um,

they'd already rated, somebody already rated the bar, but somebody took the POS system out of there and like team machine. Yeah. Like they went, I bet that golden team machine is still in use. I bet that's like somebody's proudest possession. Those things are built to take a beating.

Yeah. They should make airplanes out of whatever make the screen of a golden tea machine should be airplane. I mean, it's indestructible. Because those are getting pint tucked at them. Yeah, for sure. I've seen dudes like fly in there with their whole drunk elbow and it didn't even make a dent in the screen.

It's crazy. The golden tee was the parlor video game rage machine before the speed bag pop. That thing! That should be illegal. They should not have a how hard can you punch bag at bars.

I still like the fucking golden tee. I do too. And I like Buck Hunter. I like all that trashy shit. You ever get like a gentle on a golden tea? When you press. Woo, feels good. David, Shane, Ian, and I all did the

how hard can you punch machine one time and I punched harder than both of them and then they were like, oh, you got to do it again. We don't believe you. So I wound up to punch. I'm pretty sure it was Shane pushed me and then I punched and fell and slid under a table. Do you guys remember that? We were at the Silver Dollar on 21st.

I'm going to work it into your eulogy. I'm surprised it wasn't because of his eulogy. I was just off weight enough and I just fell and slid on the ground. I was like, jerk. That's funny. We were pretty drunk.

Of course we were. There's no world where I can punch harder than drunk yeah of course we were there's no world where i can punch harder than either one of you so is that karaoke happening uh maybe it was pretty new when we were all like maybe we were maybe a year in we didn't get hammered on 23rd very often no that was when we were up in my neighborhood oh yeah that's right yeah that's what sean made us cross the bridge yeah because adam would come out And yeah, he'll probably say that I told that story wrong, but he's not on this fucking show. Sean takes eating a chain restaurant. They got them mostly in the suburbs.

Yeah, yeah. Outback Steakhouse, you're having a good time. We had a good time at Outback Steakhouse. Hell yeah. I think they're up there. Yeah. When we go to a chain restaurant that is specialized in like beef or barbecue,

I'm really disappointed most of the time. Like a Tony Roma's, are you killing? That's shit. You can't go up on Tony Roma's. You gotta get the other shit though. It's like when you go to Texas Roadhouse, you don't get a steak. Yeah, but you do get a steak at Outback Steakhouse. Get like a Bloomin' Onions and then

you get like a steak. Bloomin' Onions, and then you get like a steak, coconut shrimp. Again, not their thing, but when I want the feature, if I go to Chili's, if I go to Chili's, the fajitas aren't going to be as good as I expect them to be. No, you're right. You've got to get some sort of southwestern egg roll situation at Chili's.

That's just my thing with special... Chili's has got the crazy burgers now. Yeah, Asian-themed restaurants that are chains are pretty good usually. They kind of hit for me. If they have stuff on top of the steak, it's probably not a great... You know what I mean?

If they're serving a bunch of shit on top of the steak, then it's like... We're going to lay a thick slab of American cheese over here. Alamo steak. PF Chang's, yeah. Alamo steak. PF Chang's goes hard. Cheesecake Factory. You have a good time, man.

Cheesecake Factory always wins. We never had any of those. I don't care what that lady on the internet says. What'd she say? You didn't see that? Where it was like a list of places not acceptable to take a dude. Oh, for a first date. Hard to take a girl on a first date.

What, you can't take a girl to a Cheesecake Factory? On a first date? He said sitting on the bed underneath that angel. Laura, get in here. The place we fell in love is bullshit. You want to live like that for the rest of your life? Take those chains off.

Cheesecake factory got everything you want. Everything you want. It does. Fucking menu's thicker than King James Bible. I told you how they have calorie counts on the Cheesecake Factory menus down here. Is that true in Oregon

as well? I think so. I thought it was everywhere. You got a bit about it, right? Not even. I don't do a bit. It's just a life bit. It's just not even a bit. This is me. I know. This is me saying get the fuck off there

I didn't think it was good for me now I'm at the fucking cheesecake factory like being like I guess I'll have a small salad like fuck you fuck you that's not and I'm somebody my life will end sooner than it may have because of my weight you know what I mean like eventually like that will happen and I'm here saying my life will end sooner than it may have because of my weight. You know what I mean? Like eventually like that will happen.

And I'm here saying, get that shit off the fucking menu. I'm at a restaurant called the Cheesecake Factory. I'm traveling all day and you're going to have the nerve to put a calorie count at a Popeye's in an airport. No, I guess I'll go to this vending machine and have salad out of a jar. Yeah. Go fuck yourself. I hate that calorie count. Get it on.

There should be a, Oh, you can, you should be able to ask for it or you should be able to ask. You should at least be able to go to a cheesecake factory. Hi, I've only come here once every five years. I'd like the,

I'd like the old menu that doesn't have the calorie count. Give me, go wipe the dust off one of those old menus for me. I don't want to know. We call it the old testament. Go wipe the dust off one of those old menus for me. I don't want to know. We call it the Old Testament. Give me the Old Testament. Go ahead and bring the Old Testament over here. Shabbat Shalom.

I want to have fucking Alfredo, fettuccine Alfredo, without knowing that it is literally 12,000 calories. Like, hook me up, man. I'm here to have a good time. I didn't think it wasn't. Cook it with fire and brimstone. You know, give me the old shit.

I just don't want to know. It's fucking, you're like in there and they're like 3,000 calories for these nachos. Fuck you. Fuck yourself. It really bothers me. Mm-hmm. No, I feel you. Yeah.

Sorry. Sorry to pull the ripcord so hard on everyone. Way to go. Fucking Sean bringing it down. That should have been written down earlier. David, time for your first pick. Oh, I didn't, we didn't, because I grew up in an apartment so it's kind of different, but I noticed this

seeing my mom when I got older coming to visit her and shit like that in California. I'm taking mom beefs. I didn't know how like, uh, how deep that world was. me find that website real quick yeah well no you're looking for

mom beef curtains I didn't know holy he is quick today I didn't know I didn't know how deep that world was like it's like when you see parents at a school and how they interact it's the same

kind of social scenarios as it was when you were in school. And I guess you don't realize that, that it's always going to be the same dynamics playing out. But there's definitely like the nerdy parents and the cool parents and the slutty parents. Oh, yeah. And you have to tolerate the slutty parents. Yeah, like Sean Jordan. Your kid. Yeah, I'm a big slut, dude.

Your kid meets these people, and so you have to be cool with these people where you're like, there's never a world where I would be hanging out with you, ever. That's what I mean, and you see that, and they're just like, yeah, there's just always shit going on. My mom and her friends,

they were always beefing with somebody. Petty, way pettier than we ever were as kids. Yeah, did you hear what she said at Swim yesterday? Can you believe she fucking, you know what I mean? You and like, oh yeah. Way pettier than we ever were as kids. Yeah, did you hear what she said at swim yesterday? Can you believe she fucking, you know what I mean? You're like, what? They see this person twice a week. So yeah, mom beefs.

I never thought about, that's a good one. Thank you. Because also mom beefs are like, well, my husband looks good, so I must still be, like they can get like, they can be from kids to like, your husband's a fat piece of shit my husband's if i have a problem why is your

husband drunk and like drunk during the daytime cheryl like that kind of thing what yo there's a lot of like do you hear rick lost his job yeah i don't know i saw rick splitting a check at the olive garden and that's why chandler got the lead in the Christmas play. Yeah, it's always some shit like that, too, where you're like, ooh, like, they don't, it all. And Dylan is Frosty the Snowman again. And the kids know nothing about it. You know a big thing that happens with,

you'll be on the playground, and your kid will be doing something, and another parent will come up and be like, how old is, how old are they? Because they're comparing where your kid's at compared to theirs. It happens every time. Do you undersell it? Do you like eight weeks?

I hate that shit. She can't even walk yet. She hasn't even been born yet, actually. She's due next week. She's tall, right? So all these parents think she's a little older than she is. So it's happened to me multiple times where they'll come up and they'll be like, oh, she'll start.

Those sentences will come pouring out of her any day now. And then they'll be like, Ricky over here waited until he was almost two and a half. And you're like, miss me with all that shit. I didn't ask you. She's younger than you think she is. It'd be so funny if you were like, thank you. Nice words for sentences. I make it sound like, oh, I'm not even on sentences yet. We have a dumb household.

Me not worried. This is the longest I've ever talked to someone. Bye for now. I ask Max where the milk is. My mom, she listens to this, so I'm not going to get into any kind of details

or anything like that, but my mom's still beefing all the time. It's like, it's kind of, it's one of those things when you get older, it's the spice of life, bro. Trying to catch a bruising from Susan. A bruising from Susan, dude, yeah. No, yeah, my mom gets some beef sometimes too,

and it's just, yeah, it's just life. It's just like moms with kids. That means you're, and it's just yeah it's just just like it's just like moms with that means you're and it means you're engaging with your community which is good you know yeah yeah you're involved it's gonna be beef gonna be beef there's always beef i was listening to some interview with i think it was like dominique foxworth there's some football player and you know how they always do the kids... In the Super Bowl, they always do the two teams' kids are playing together and they just

show footage or whatever. And they'll be like, who's going to win? And the kids are always like, my dad or my dad. And then he's like, the wives and the moms are so mean and so... Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, really?

You think he's going to... Jesus. I love all that. When it comes to moms, it can get real toothy really fast. Yeah, yeah. I don't think dad's beef in the same way. I really don't. Dads are tired. I mean, moms are tired, too.

But dads are like... Dads are lazy and tired. Although sports dads beef. I think maybe mom's beef at school and dad's beef when they're coaching. They fight on my algorithms. I'll tell you that. I see sports dads fights for days on my feed.

I forgot about this. Speaking of mom beef, so I was driving a few years ago. I was here driving with my mom and we just drove by some house. She looks out the window and she goes, out of nowhere and she goes, I, out of nowhere, she's like, there's where Susan lives,

bitch. I don't even care. She's like, yeah, she goes, yeah, she's a bitch. It was crazy.

I was like, why? She wouldn't tell me. She wouldn't tell you? No. So I think it was, I don't even care. I think in my mind, I'm like, did my stepdad step out like 20 years ago?

And that's like this is a 20-year beef where it's like back when they were dating or something, you know? But yeah, she just, just like I would care. I love that she showed you. That's where Susan lives, fucking bitch. Yeah, I heard that about Susan. I got your back, mom. If you want to go do something, we just can't. Dropping off strawberries.

Like a weird little detail. Fucking bitch. Dropping off strawberries. Dropping off strawberries in my garden. I don't think so. Mom beefs to chain restaurant. Mom beefs would be a good chain restaurant mom beefs to chain restaurant mom beefs would be a good chain restaurant dude I'm going to mom beefs it's probably one here in Chicago

any kind of beef you can get in Chicago I'm taking I'm taking a pick because it was kind of already drafted and this is the first round I'm doing this is the first round. I'm doing this in the first round because I'm saying it with my chest. And I don't think,

I think what was picked didn't adequately cover this other part of it. So I'm going to take getting drunk at chain restaurants. Yeah. As a specific thing about the suburbs. It's so expensive.

It's expensive, but oftentimes there's like nowhere else to do it. Well, I have a... All right. Well, or your house. You can get drunk at houses, but if you're like going to go to a bar, I remember I used to see like the football coaches like hammered at like BJ's Pizza. Oh, I get fucked up in a BJ's. BJ's pizza oh i keep fucked up in a bj's bj people are getting fucked up at bj's yeah i'd hit david up i'd be like hey man i'm off i had a it was a long day

you want to meet me at bj's we just sit there for a few hours it was great it's there's something really special about getting hammered and while there families walking in just around the corner. It's such a weird place to be drunk, too. I remember as a kid going to chain restaurants. It is insane. And you'd look over at the bar and you'd be like, what the fuck is going on over there? Because they still, they let the kids stay. We'd go with Smith's dad after

softball practice and the whole, so this was Champs, the family restaurant, and then at like eight, softball team would go in there, all these grizzled dudes, get obliterated, was champs, the family restaurant. And then at like eight softball team and go in there, all these grizzled dudes get obliterated, but it's still a family restaurant. So it's like, this is a ruckusy ass bar and they're being also a family restaurant by an English teacher.

Who's moonlighting. So they can afford to buy a house or something. You know, it's like, it's never, and it's like, take off your softball out. That always killed me.

I'm like, put your, put your, put your, put your fucking everyday blues on. No way, they earned it. They earned it. They took off their spikes and put on flip-flops, and that's it.

That's all you're getting out of them. Still holding bats. You just see one of them looking at their cell phone like this, like, God damn it. Yeah. I don't want to fucking go home. Turn it off, Craig. Turn it off.

It's boys night. Give me some more cow punch potato skins! BJ's was also the place where I would see where, like, the night before Thanksgiving is where, like, people would be getting hammered back in the day. That's where people were getting drunk. Like, you would walk in, you'd be like, holy

shit! Oh, damn, this is one of those weeks, huh? Yeah. I didn't even, i forgot about that like people coming home i haven't been home for so long yeah remember when it stopped being a thing i gotta give my mom the car keys i'll be right back okay like uh okay when it stopped being a thing for like you would be like you would go like when you would come home during the holidays you would go to a bar that you knew people would be at yeah and then and then you go oh i'm not going there and other people stop going and then you're like see a picture of some guy named carson who's just still going there

every year every like around 30 is when that dropped off yeah because like when everybody's in college when everybody's in college you're still coming home collectively, right? So even the people I did not go to college. But it would be like, oh, so-and-so's going to be in town. So-and-so's home from school will all come. And then a few years after that, you're kind of like, you guys aren't friends like you were anymore. Yeah. We would start going to Portland pretty quick.

But I was also going to college in Portland. So I had my own group of people. But I bet if I was coming home from fucking who knows? Phoenix. Feel you, feel you. Had to go give my mom the car keys. Sorry. Is she driving already?

The recovery is going well. No, John's driving her to therapy. All right, just make sure they don't go past Susan's house. Yeah. I don't think John's allowed within 200 feet. I have a theory as to what happened. I think it was when they first started dating. Maybe Susan

slid in there or something and like tried to scam on John and my mom still holds that mom beef pretty tight. Shut up strawberries, bro. But yeah, I just love seeing people getting hammered at a chain restaurant. seeing people getting hammered at a chain restaurant I love getting hammered at a chain we did it at

Red Robin that one time I mean every time I'm in an airport man that's what's going on at a chain restaurant no I know but it's like the same vibe kind of the same little feel yeah you're there and it's like anyone's allowed it's not like you can't go into certain places it's like every bar you can have kids you do kind of want to turn around and be like I's allowed. It's not like you can't go into certain places. It's like every bar you can have kids.

You do kind of want to turn around and be like, I'm allowed to do this. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter how much I have. I'm allowed. This is okay. I'm 21. This is not illegal.

If I wasn't allowed to do this, why would they serve it at 10 a.m.? Because another interesting thing about when you drink at a chain restaurant is that when you leave, you go past a bunch of people who aren't drinking. Like at a bar, it's not like that. Everyone's kind of in the same boat. Yeah. Chain restaurant, you get done. Or you could go in the bathroom and there could be like a seven-year-old in there.

And you're like, oh, this is wild. I'm pretty tore up. There's a kid at the claw machine. This is fun. What's up, Junior? What's up. There's this kid at the claw machine. This is fun. What's up, Junior? What's up, Junior? Whipping out your hog mix. The kid can barely get his dick over the top of the urinal. You are in for it later, kid.

Take advantage of these years now. You make noises like that? What are you, eight? It's all downhill from there, buddy. You hit 16 and everything starts falling apart buddy soak it up okay i'm gonna be just like pete rose yeah you probably don't remember them fucking baseball did them dirty what are you having chicken fingers you having chicken fingers pretty good here that's good they won't let me order off the kids menu anymore so you know i'll tell you what you bring me some of those chicken fingers i need out of food

you know i'd like to have only waiters sing you happy birthday and i'm gonna take uh parks at. Oh, that's a good one. Yeah, where they're not, where it's like safe. Talk about handjob city. Handjob city, baby. If you think I didn't do some heavy petting on church steps. Come on. They were fighting.

McKenna Park was, yeah. Drinking booze. Boozing. Not nearly enough booze for the 15 kids that are out there. No. But it wasn't actually scary. It was like you just- Everybody gets-

It was never scary. It was just liberated. It was just like, well, I'm allowed to be here. This isn't anyone's house. You know, you're not allowed to be there. You're supposed to be- You're not- But like-

We would go smoke a whole pack of cigarettes from like midnight till two in the morning. A whole pack of cigarettes. Yeah. Ooh, that sounds gnarly what I loved was when two people would leave the party and you'd be like Taylor and Matt are going away and that still happens you still get to see a bit of that

you know but it's not nearly as exciting now sometimes it's fun and then it's like Monday and you're like so what happened I don't know it's the Iceman m's like Monday and you're like so yeah what happened yeah I don't know

it's the Iceman macking on somebody at High Plains that's what I was gonna say that was the last one I saw it was red leather whoa whoa whoa we talk about this

it's all red leather macking on hold on I wasn't at High Plains let's hear about this oh shit are we putting this on are we seriously

gonna talk about this don't hide in the dark let's see your face we don't have to put it out we talked about this on the Patreon we talked about this? You don't want to Don't hide in the dark. We talked about this on the Patreon. You can cut out whatever you want. We have no idea. This is true. I have full autonomy over what goes in and what comes out. You could put out a three minute episode. We would have no idea. This is true.

The advertisers would have an idea. The idea would be bad. Your fucking fans would let you know. Yeah, that's true. They're wonderful. They are wonderful, and they are terribly invested. You can talk about it. Smash clams? No, I mean, I made out with the

woman on the first night of High Plains. Dude, you drive a red leather, whatever, Toyota Prius now or whatever. Alfa Romeo. Alfa Romeo. You got some smooching in. He's just an Alfa Romeo. Alfa Romeo. Alfa Romeo. Alfa Romeo. You got some smooching in. He's just an Alfa Romeo looking for his

Alfa Juliet, you know? Wow. Ladies and gentlemen. That's a great one. Ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. Yeah, Carmel. Professional comedian.

How was the parking space? Was it nice? Sorry. I think he just drove around for a while. Jesus Christ. Isaac, get dark for a while, man. Yeah, it was a lot.

Sorry, it's been a day since I've had sex. What were we talking about? I don't know. Going to the park? Oh, Parks at Night. They're still kind of cool. It's just like, it's a thing. For the most part, in a city, a park at night is not a place you necessarily want to be.

No, I don't come to the park at night. I don't take the shortcut. You know, I don't sneak out and go to the park. In the suburbs, it's still, you know, you can still, even now you can like go to a park at night and be like, it's quiet here. I would argue though too, because the suburbs parks are more for kids than they are in the cities. For sure. Yeah. Parks are for everybody here

but yeah but in the cities they're kind of for everybody but there is a point where like you're right these guys are going to start drinking in the park yeah yeah yeah yeah like that's like my buddy was telling me in Williamsburg or in Greenpoint like 15 years ago when he lived

there it's a very Polish neighborhood and McCarran Park now is super like nice and it's got great ballparks and everything in it and he goes it used to just be old Polish guys who were getting kicked out of the house drunk on park inches being like girl come here and that's what I'm drafting

time for your second pick Daveid oh i'm taking holiday decorations oh yeah it's just like the city does i'm i was i was walking around today and the city just doesn't because you just there's not that opportunity you know what i mean no you get a favorite bar i'll do a couple, but there's nothing crazy like that. Yeah, but those lights are up all year, too. Yeah. And a good bar will do a fun blowout. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did I tell you?

This was a few years ago. I was in Texas, and I was at my buddy Andy's house, and he's out in the burbs. And our buddy Nani was coming over, and he lives in San Francisco. And he saw all these Halloween decorations. He started taking pictures of this guy's house and this redneck walked

outside and was like, can I help you? And he goes, Oh, I'm sorry. I just live in San Francisco. I don't get to see like Halloween decorations anymore. And the guy goes,

San Francisco with Nancy Pelosi. that's what it is to some people it really is you know like and it fucking killed me like god damn it i heard these dudes at lunch today i was eating i was having lunch at the bagel shop and these guys next to me these like four mechanics they were like what kind the bagel shop. And these guys next to me, these like four mechanics, they were like, what kind of bagel did you have? A breakfast boy. So it was a sausage, egg and cheese on a Asiago cheese bagel. Real dang.

A breakfast boy. A breakfast boy. And then I got a 605 to go. So these guys are sitting there and they're like, yeah, so this guy, well, you know what's crazy? And I'll hear it subplot.

So they had everything bagels at this place, right? So they have all these other bagels with one thing on them and they had everything bagels which have every single thing on them, hence the name everything. Yeah. What do those cost? Well, they were all the exact same price. That's crazy.

That's, I mean, you want to talk about that you guys are just so mad you didn't think you want to talk about our president I am not going to guess the bit. I know you don't, David. I know you're crazy to me. You want to talk about our president being a shitbag? I have nothing against the bit. I've never had anything against the bit. I know you don't, David. I know you don't. You're crazy to me.

You mean to tell me a bagel with all the toppings? Joe Biden. So when Joe Biden's busy not lowering the APR, what he's busy doing is making sure that all bagels cost the same price, which is just a travesty. Anyway, these gentlemen next to me, they were like, so if I don't want to work with this guy because he's weird, the PC police are going to come after me? I was like, that's just are going to come after me. It's not, that's like,

it's just such a suburban thing to hear. Probably not if he's weird, but what do you think is weird? You know? Yeah. He's just like Chinese. I think we all know exactly what he's talking about. But it's like,

that's not weird. Weird is not what? I think maybe this guy who is weird prefers not to be referred to as a guy. I think it's maybe part of what's going on. That might be a big part of it, yeah. The PC police are going to come after me? Probably not. Holiday decorations, though.

The suburbs go crazy. They're the kings of it. All that money, all that time, competing with the neighbors. And just like that house that does every single one. Yeah. Where you're like, damn, Columbus Day, really? In Portland, we have Peacock Lane. Do you have anything like that? In Peacock Lane, where like the whole

street goes off. And if you move on to it, you have to like agree to be... We had Candy Cane Lane. We had Elf Lane. We had Angel Lane. We had a whole map through the city that you could go on this drive. You could even get limos. My stepdad used to drive the drive where you could go look at all the lanes.

They'd give you hot cocoa in the limo and shit like that. Stepdad takes Susan on one of those rides? I don't even ask, man. I don't ask. What happened? I heard some verbal warfare when we went by Susan's crib and I don't want nothing to do with the physical warfare. I don't bring it up. I stay out of that yard. Of course she's got a gingerbread house.

I wonder if she's going to wreck that home when the holidays are over too. I wonder what else she frosted besides her windows. She's like, I don't even care. I don't even care. I've never heard you bring her up. I've been with you forever.

This must be a long-standing beef, so you care a little bit. Fucking bitch. Oh, that's funny. The decorations, though. I wish Hanukkah had more decorations. I might need to figure that out. You know what? I do, too. You know what? I do too.

You know what? I don't. I sincerely do. Man, New York has really changed you, huh? You live in a Jew parade. Yeah. I think you know a guy. He moves to New York for a few years and here he is. Do you guys ever used to steal decorations? PC police is going to come after me for being weird.

Do you guys ever used to do that? Or like make the reindeers fuck each other? Yeah, we used to do it or was it a running? Like we had so much, if they found, if the cops found what we stole, it would have been like one of those Al Qaeda videos where they just show a

mountain of guns. Do we still, I stole a black Mrs. Santa Claus out of someone's front yard, and it was connected. Later, this woman turned out to be my stepmother. My father married this woman.

But I ripped it up out of the yard, and I bolted, because it was right by the front door, but it was attached to all the other lights, and I jumped in my buddy's Dodge Neon. Oh, no! And they all just came out like, straight off the roof. And I was like,

like, it was one of those things of like, oh, you just walked away from the crime scene with mud on your boots straight to your house. Yeah. Yeah. Was she a black woman, or was she just somebody with a black Mrs. Claus in her yard? She just had a black Mrs. Claus. Betsy with a black Mrs. Claus in her yard? She just had a black Mrs. Claus.

Betsy was a good lady. Anybody can do it. All right. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I learned about it. Yeah. She was just a- Also, it was actually Dominican.

It was Dominican. Yeah. Laura, I was like a Dominican. It was a New York Claus. Not a state of the bus, a New York Claus. She's no black puppy. She no black puppy. It was just David Ortiz in a Santa hat.

She no black puppy. It was just David Ortiz in a Santa Claus hat. Oh my God. David Ortiz dressed up as Mrs. Claus is the funniest thing I've ever had in my head. He's got that big smile. I beat the Yankees. Oh, God damn it. Oh, man.

That is dank. Sean, your second pick so I'm going to be bad at phrasing it but the small summer festivals so like we had oh yeah Parker days is what ours was called we had hot Corvette nights we had hot Harley nights we had summer nights we have

Jazz Fest there was like those weren't in the suburbs though, right? I mean, yeah They all have like a hot It was like a car thing They would all have like a two day long Weekend car festival And they didn't happen like on the main drag?

I mean, this whole place is a suburb I mean, that place is the city I've been there It's the big city, baby That doesn't make sense If you take to like suburb. That place is the city. I've been there. It's the big city, baby. No, it's a suburb with no city. That doesn't make sense. If you take to Brandon, South Dakota. It's the biggest city in the state.

Yeah, but it's small. That makes it the city. We'll go to the suburbs of here then. If you go to Brandon, they would have a car show once a year on a weekend and it would be on whatever the main street is, but there's 2,000 people in the town. I mean, just like that small excuse to get together for the whole town really with something

they don't care about, but it's just like, what's going on. It's Brian and Chris's dads both have Corvettes. Well, Hardee's would have a car. They would always go in the parking lot of Hardee's and that would be one where it'd just be like 30 dudes with Corvettes would come down there like one weekend a year. And I don't know, they're just like the small... That shit would piss me off if I worked at Hardee's because I know they're not asking.

Yeah, no, they're not. It's just an unspoken. Yeah, I mean, does that make sense? Can I do that? It's just like the small town summer festival. It's never struck as a suburban thing well where's the car show in portland every year i mean or they don't they don't need to do that like they have them at like convention center but it seems like a small town

thing but i mean listen i'm not saying you can't make it you know what this is reminding me of it's like the july 4th barbecue in the Sandlot. That's what I was thinking of, yeah. The vibe I get is like... I mean, it's like a suburbs version of a block party, but they don't have block parties because they have these instead. It's just like you get a few, like a street, and you just have a party on it.

One of them is just called Hot Summer Nights, and they just took a street, they block it off, and they make it off, and they make it like 6th Street in Austin for a weekend. It's just people in the small town or the suburb or whatever. I'll go with the burby kind of event.

I'm for it, man. I'll give you a burb event. We didn't have them in my burbs, but I believe you. See, and my burbs are all these. That's because your city

had actual culture in it. Yeah. How big is Beaverton? Do you know? It's pretty big. I mean, but like, any of that stuff

wouldn't, about 100,000 people. Sioux Falls is bigger than that though, right? Well, it is now, but when I was growing up, it was like about 100,000 people. Like when Falls is bigger than that though, right? It is now, but when I was growing up, it was like about 100,000 people. When I was 15, that's about what

it was. So it was just like a suburb without a city. Now it's 192. 150 or something. 196 it says. I thought it was more than that. I don't know. That just seemed real. Any town around here, any one of them,

but these are like small towns, but they all had that version of whatever summer little gathering festival thing where it was just an excuse to block off the street for a weekend. Yeah. Look, you're the one who's going to have to deal with God when you get to heaven. I got to shape up. Pick whatever you want. I did not do great yesterday Shane if you can believe that

these are two sort of subpar performances from your boy your first pick was great, Chain Restaurants I appreciate it, I'll pull myself together I got a lot more on the list let's see if you can break this fucking hit list streak and get on base for one of these I'm getting there

Shane, it's time for the big slugger to come up and hit two back-to-back dingers. Well, Shane, it's time for, it's time for the big slugger to come up and hit two back-to-back dingers. Put that cigar out. It's time to work. Uh, I got kind of, uh,

I got one that this is going to be what going into the city when you're in high school, like to, for an event or like a concert or something. You're like, you're all wide-eyed when you're like 13, you're like, maybe we'll get cigarettes. You know, like, yeah, that was. You're like, you're all wide-eyed. When you're like 13, you're like, maybe we'll get cigarettes.

You know, like, yeah. See, that was us like, kind of leaving and seeing that there's something else.

Yeah. We would do that, but we had to go to Minneapolis for that to be the case. Like, we would leave our, I'm serious. Because we didn't have,

like, there's Sioux Falls, but there's no city attached to this suburb. It's insane. It's like, it's a weird anomaly because we would either have to go to Omaha

or Minneapolis. So it's both like a three-hour drive, but it'd be that same thing. We'd go to Minneapolis to skate and see Weezer and then just drive home. It was just an extremely long... Instead of going through the tunnel on 26, we had to go three hours down I-90. But I loved that. I loved

going into Dallas to see bands or whatever. That was the funnest thing ever. Oh, yeah. It feels magical. Yeah. You get a little smash. You see some real shit going on. Well, you also see girls that are into shit that you're into that are not from your high school. Which is crazy.

That's like a real awakening. Oh, she goes to Trimble Tech and they're like, that's cool. Don't date her. They only make hairdressers and refrigeration repair technicians at that high school. Trimble Tech. That's a real high school where I grew up. And was that their reputation?

Yeah, Trimble Tech. Tech for a reason. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Pickings Tech was ours. My dad's. Yeah. Pickens Tech was ours. My dad's best friend, R.L.,

who said his name stood for real lovable, was the math teacher at the high school. And he would always bring in a Big Gulp filled with Diet Coke, and there was always Jack in it. He would drink them. R.L. was a piece of shit.

Well, shut up. My dad, our dads, the similarity, the parallels are just shocking because my dad had this, I can't even say what my dad's friend's nickname was. Can't even say it. Something Eater. Basically. Basically. Something Mike.

So, Mike blank Mike what kind of descendant was this guy? he called him Indian Mike is what he used to call him he was a Native American dude, my dad called him Indian Mike and we were asleep, I was asleep one night did you have any Mexican friends?

he did, he didn't call he was probably friends with Simon Elizondo Torres right now but they wake me up one night where I was asleep we were on the lake I might have told you this we were on the lake my dad called a camping just so him and Indian Mike could go smoke

weed basically my dad had me that night so he's like let's go camping we sit on the shores of this lake they lay out a sleeping bag I go to sleep they wake me up and my dad's like all right but me and mike figured out a way to get some insurance money for my car oh my god he goes mike's we're gonna mike's gonna steal my car we're gonna put it in his garage and then i'm gonna say it got stolen we're gonna get the insurance money and i go bad or dad i bet you the first place they look is mike's garage like a no. They were just like, oh. And I just blew their whole plan with that

one little... There was no other... I was 13 and I was like, you guys are crazy. And I went back to bed. God damn it, Mike. Yeah. But we figured they had to wake me up to let me know.

Genius. Indian Mike Shane your third pick oh this is one I was glad I could get in the third round finding a crooked convenience store to buy booze at oh come on baby

I never did we always had to steal it. Come on. Oh, we'd go to MX and get it from Keith. I mean, it's still got boards on the window. Yep. We would go to Jimmy's drive-thru. Oh, man.

Those guys, we were as crooked as they could possibly get. You imagine that. Always hitting on high school girls. That's what Keith used to do. No joke. So we were 15, 16, whatever. And there were girls that were younger than us, maybe 14

or whatever, but we're like, he's going to sell to you and not us. And he would legit sell liquor to 14-year-old girls. Ask them what they're doing that night? Uh-huh. Straight up. After a while, what's the move tonight? You guys hear about this new band Green Day? What's the move tonight?

You girls like Tool? No, you might like it because if you want to be an adult, it's got algorithms in it. Maynard James Keenan is an artist. Fibonacci sequence. You guys want to come over and listen to A Perfect Circle and drink Goldschlager later? I've definitely done that

Yeah, we've done that We're the guys except for the fact that we're not like have low morals, we're those guys Just low aspirations Yeah I might drink Goldschlager at the skate park tonight with a bunch of Hessians, we'll listen to Sinead O'Connor.

I might. Who knows? What a chaos night! A lot of angles. A lot of angles. You're just trying to keep people on their toes? What are you doing? It gets pretty funny at the skate park. It's like,

you're just swinging around on a Marigold round singing Sinead O'Connor songs. I was probably exposed to a wider variety of music from skate videos than from like any other source. That's what informed most of my music. Almost still. It's like that's what, I don't know, whatever roads took me to wherever I ended up. Cool. We didn't have a crooked convenience store.

Almost started off poetically, Sean. Whatever roads took me to where I ended up, cool. I'm starting to think the way I did this is I did the suburbs for my town, which is a suburb. I'm almost drafting small towns over here. I think you are. I'm looking at my list.

I'm starting towns over here. I think you are. And I'm looking at my list. So I'm starting to panic here. Because I grew up thinking the suburbs were these 2,000 person towns. But Sioux Falls was the suburb. There's just no city. Anyway. Next, we're going to draft a living off city water and an unincorporated

loss. I'm going to keep going. Crooked convenience store. I mean, I had to steal alcohol. Never found anyone that was willing to sell to us. Did you ever do the Yahoo-ing? Oh, hey dude-ing, you mean?

Yeah, we call it Yahoo-ing, where somebody goes up to the counter and they're like, oh no, we'd go Yahoo-ing because somebody would go up to the counter and buy something and we'd grab beer and scream Yahoo as we ran out with it. Oh, well beer runs we would yell beer yeah okay yeah we would we would just go to the parking lot and just uh hey dude can you get us some beer yeah there were plenty of dirt bags around that like if you bought a pack of smokes they were willing to

like yeah yeah buy you as much beer as possible why did here's my thing adam lucero tomasa's big brother he would always buy his booze, but he would charge, overcharge us the fuck out, you know? It was always like, what do you want? How much you got?

There's no change. Rude. We would, I don't know why we did it, but we, it would be a thing where you'd yell when you ran out

with the booze. It's like, why not try to be as sneaky as you could be? Like, if you're already running out, why scream on top of it? I never understood that.

That they couldn't put hands on you. It was like... Game over? It was like they gave us IDs. Getting busted, though. I never did. Oh, man. I just knocked on wood like like the case wasn't close

you're old enough now you're always going to be like they're gonna swing by and be like uh sir we've just obtained video footage from the hagens on 185th we got busted stealing from the liquor store one time but that was that was a crazy move because it was from the liquor store yeah that's hard because then people could say you know, David Boy robbed a liquor store, which is technically true. Yeah, but this was like, this was in Aurora after I ran away from home. And it was like, it was like a big liquor store, but like I made it out. And then the other guy made it out. And then the third guy just comes running and he's getting chased.

And he has two 40s in his head. So he turns around and throws one 40 at the guy's feet. And the guy like cuts. And we think it's done. And then the guy still chases and he smashes the other one. Whoa. And we got away. Yeah, it was hilarious.

God, that's awesome. He's expecting like smoke to puff up when he throws the 40 now. Well, after the first one, because we were like across, we were across standing by the Boston Market. So we weren't even like getting chased. But like, we were like, after the first one, we were across standing by the boston market so we weren't even like getting in shape we were like after the first we were like whoa oh shit it's a genius and the guy kept running good cream spinach boston market sorry go ahead when you start doing wild shit like stealing and like being a little reckless you find out which one of your friends as a kid is a bad, rough kid

by how they react to the conflict. Like, that kid throwing, like, jump to assault very fast. Oh, dude, it was like a level up because the kid who even got us to do it was like, his mom was a stripper. He had a tough life. But then this other guy, yeah, he really... Because I remember seeing it and being like, no fucking way. Smash! I saw a buddy of mine

smile when he was getting arrested. He was 14 and he was smiling getting arrested. I was like, ooh, that guy. And he was gnarly to this day. There's a few of them. I remember the other thing was we would steal so much from the convenience store that they started putting up signs.

They're like only three high schoolers in at a time. Yeah. You know, like leave your backpacks at the counter. People will be like, no. Yeah. People just walk in and be like, I can't count how many people are in here if I'm not in here. Just saying shit to some poor bastard who was making minimum wage. Yeah.

Just like trying to some poor bastard who was making minimum wage. Yeah. It was like trying to get by emptying trash cans that people took the trash out of their car and put it. You're like, oh, fucking awful, man. Um, speaking of awful,

Sean, it's time for your, so I'm going to get one on the board. I'm going to get like, it's nothing. I'm going to draft courthouses in downtown. I like those a lot. I'm going to get like, it's nothing sexy about it. I'm going to draft courthouses in downtown. I like those a lot.

Services. Nothing sexy about this, but I'm going to draft how slower driving. I just like the slower driving aspect. People aren't in that much of a rush to get everywhere. Well, there's nothing sexy about it. See, I feel like now we're all just ganging up on me, which I can handle. I'm not. I just don't have anything to say about it. I drive slow when I was we're all just ganging up on me, which I can handle. I'm not. I just don't have anything to say about it.

I drive slow when I was driving. I just wanted something on the board. No, I get it. Now it's there and we all got to look at it. Wait. Slow driving? Oh, I love slow. I love slow driving. I'm not going anywhere. I don't want to be there.

I'll take my time. I don't know that I've noticed it in the suburbs. Oh, come on. I don't know that I have. You have to be fucking kidding me. That's just batshit crazy to say. Compared to what?

Any city. People drive like psychopaths. I'm in Sioux Falls right now and people are driving 20 miles an hour going down the street. It's nice and calm. No one's in a rush to get anywhere. Glendale's a suburb, bro. That does not count. Glendale is attached to Los Angeles. It is Los Angeles.

Glendale's more of Los Angeles. Suburbs are attached to cities. There's no space between Glendale and Los Angeles. I'm from the northern suburbs of Chicago. I'm from the western suburbs of Detroit. People say shit like that. If you go to Addison, it is northern suburbs of Chicago. I'm from the western suburbs of Detroit. People say shit like that. If you go to Addison, it is not attached to Chicago. Glendale

is more Los Angeles than Los Angeles is. Glendale's insane. What are you saying? I don't know about that, Sean. Sometimes I think you're just saying shit. I'm with you on Glendale is a suburb, but it is. No, he's not on that.

It's an atypical suburb. I understand it's an atypical suburb. It's a more a suburb, but... It is. Yeah. No, he's not on that. It's an atypical suburb. I understand it's an atypical suburb. It's a more urban suburb, but it's not Los Angeles. It's not like the core of Los Angeles. It's not LA at all. I know technically it's not, but I'm just saying

Glendale doesn't feel like a suburb at all. Golden Valley feels like a suburb of Minneapolis. It's like suburbs are slightly detached from the city to me. They're not 100% connected to most cities. You are slightly detached from reality. No, even get to Beaverton. People drive crazy in Beaverton.

I mean, as crazy as they do in Portland. Nah, I'm there like every three times a week. What are you doing in Beaverton? I go to the skate park in Beaverton all the time. At the THPRD? I'm there all the time at the THPRD. People drive...

What does that stand for? Tualatin Hills Parks and Recreation Department. Oh. We should get shirts made up. That's where I got... That's where I fucking won the 11th grade rec league basketball championship, bro. Come on. Right next door.

That must have felt good. What was the team name? Basketball team full of football players? Oh, we did that. We used to play football. Yeah, we would all play full court. It ruled. I mean, I just feel like Sean's a dangerous animal backed into a corner here,

so I'm not going to say anything else about the driving of Beaverton. I'm getting there. He's a dangerous animal backed into a corner. He's literally in a corner. Look at him. I am in in a corner it doesn't help that i'm sitting on a bed with my legs crossed i got a weird body position going on we're on a position misremembering beaverton i'm not i'm there all the time uh and shit yeah well that's the fucking pick so write it down I wrote it down I got you though slow driving slower driving I'll slow down

as well uh David time for your third pick oh I'm taking bands you ever know dudes in suburbs in bands and they never play in the city they just play oh yeah the weirdest they're like opening up like a new coffee shop and they're like, yeah, we're playing.

We're at the Rock Creek Grill. Yeah. You're like, what the? How are you getting these? But you know them and everybody knows they're in a band and everybody knows that their music is meant. Playing at the Thirsty Duck. Power Play is going to be at the Thirsty Duck tonight. We're doing a Java house tonight.

I can't go to work. Yeah, dude. I mean, that's all tonight. I can't go to work. Yeah, dude. I mean, that's all these... That's all that happened here. That's all the bands that were in Sioux Falls. They would only play the coffee shop, the KC Hall, the Nordic Hall, all these other...

They didn't have any places that was a venue for a band. It was all a venue for something else. And they're like, yeah, technically a band could be here. A lot of basement shows. Those were the best. Those house shows. It is the best. 30 kids in a basement and some dude's playing the bass

till his fingers are pouring blood and you're just like, I don't give a shit. And everyone's moshing in this basement of a rented house. And it's fucking hot. Shirts off, you're're sweating it's like music i wasn't even thrilled about but i like the buckness not even a furnished basement never thrilled about it also they always got like girls there's always like girls who were into it like oh yeah it's so

it's such a weird thing i mean yeah bands are sexy anthemness love the anthem-ness of it. That's like my favorite. Yeah. There were a lot of garage shows too, Beaverton. Yeah. Growing up. Oh, for sure. Yeah, little pop punk bands in garages. I mean, because you'd get like, what, 20, 15, 20, 30 kids in the drive, like pouring into the driveway or whatever. And it wasn't, I don't know,

it didn't seem like anyone ever called the cops on that stuff. It was more like house parties and stuff. They would let garage shows happen. Did any of y'all have a band that played those shows in your town, like Break? Yeah, our band Billy Music broke a little bit.

Cory and the Fireflies a little bit. One of our dude, my buddy Nick, was in Spill Canvas. You guys remember the band Spill Canvas? No. I know. Oh, Shane, you would know a song.

Shane might. A few of them. I do not remember Spill Canvas. I will say, when I was flying into Chicago today, I saw the promoter rep from the Burt tour. And we were talking. He goes, oh, yeah, man. I used to be in a band called

bridge and i was like okay and he goes yeah we opened for every like all that late 90s stuff like live smash mouth all of these people like hell yeah everybody he was in that era of like post-crunch radio rock stuff well think about all that like on the comedic side all the people like being like me being from sioux falls everybody everybody that came through, I opened for them. So every single comic that came through, I was the comedic version of the one band in town that was capable of doing that. It's kind of tight because, you know, back when those were like credits. It's like, yeah, this guy opened for this person. My buddy Andy's band, you met him.

Andy's the funniest person I've ever met. He's a psycho. He got married two weeks ago. Poor girl. You said poor, right? Yeah. He did poor girl. But his band played Warped Tour a few times,

and they were going to be on Drive Thru Records. So they did a couple of things, but they never really popped. That was probably the closest in my era. Soul Crate blew up. You've met the Soul Crate boys, Ian, but they blew up. They were on Black Clover Records for a while.

They did a lot. Yeah, that was fun. Well, it's time for my third pick, but first a very brief break. age. Of course you do. I wish I'd done everything at a younger age. That's neither here nor there. Policy Genius, essentially, it just helps you get the life insurance you need fast so you can get on with your life. With Policy Genius, you can find life insurance policies that start at just $292 per year for $1 million of coverage. Some options offer same-day approval and avoid unnecessary medical exams. So I have life insurance. It had nothing to do with me. It's my wife did everything. But it's tough. It's a hassle to go through and get. You have to research it, which I don't like

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I got buddies, they can't skip leg day. Myself, my schedule is completely packed out with hanging out with my daughter. You try to pepper in work in there. It's really hard to find the time for those things that I want, that self-care stuff. I like to walk a lot. I know that sounds ridiculous. And I don't know what fun means, but I do like walking. I love to skateboard. But it's hard.

I got to drive to the park. I got to get warmed up, which takes your boy a gentleman's half hour these days because these gams ain't what they used to be. But I know that's what makes me happy. And it's hard to make time for it. When you feel like you don't have any time for yourself, it can weigh on you more than anything else. Non-negotiables like therapy are more important than ever in that situation. You need to set time. Get it like I keep saying, get a new set of ears on it. If you're having a tough time finding time for yourself, if you just talk to someone, you say these things out loud, you will realize that there is time. You can make time for yourself. You just have to prioritize it. It happens. You can talk to someone, get a new set of ears on it,

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Visit betterhelp.com slash all fantasy today to get 10% off your first month. Again, that's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash all fantasy. And we're back. Welcome back to All Fantasy. Everything already in progress. It is time for my third pick. And what I'm going to draft with my third pick is well-stocked pantries. Oh, I love that.

That's a good one. I'm sure there are some places in the city that have well-stocked pantries. Nobody has as much food as people in the suburbs. Nobody. Just like went to Costco and it's all sitting out there. Go to Costco regularly. Regularly. They're at Costco like once a week. A mom going to the grocery store

is her social hour for some of them. For some people. Yeah. So like they're going to get a few different kinds of Triscuits. That was on my list. A grocery store social hour was on my list. So now that we said it, that's one of the things where it's like it is fun to go to the grocery store

and just see people but you go into these pantries sometimes and it's like because you can't do it for yourself because you're like I'm never I don't want to have six different kinds of fruit snacks in my house I can't do that to myself but if you're at one of these houses

and you just walk in and you're like, oh, okay. They sell my Gushers? All right. When you see shit that's only supposed to be single serve and they got a box of it? They got a box of it? They got like, but also you can't

buy a single serve? It's like you're working at a startup or something and they just have three snacks. Uncrustables just came out. You got a box? It was fucking crazy. I've said this before, but the game got Lunchable pizzas and ham

and cheese Lunchables. They got like stacks of Lunchable pizzas. If there were Lunchables in my house, those were purpose-driven Lunchables. Those were Lunchables that were like, that's for your lunch on Wednesday. You're bringing that on Wednesday. They just got loose lunchables in case you're hungry.

Come on. I can have as many Slim Jims as I want. Have at it. I can have as many of these as I want. Nobody's not going to call my mom. You want a Diet Mountain, dude? Somebody had a nice home life. If all of their like food and their fridge and stuff was faced like a grocery store.

Oh, yeah. Oh, God. Yeah. You know, like that was like. They got two kinds of juices in there. Yeah. I have a very happy marriage and my fridge looks like there was a run on a bank inside of it. We got a stock pantry.

Our pantry is. I bet you do. You seem like a stock pantry. Our pantry is... I bet you do. You seem like a stock pantry-ass family. It's pretty wild because I never... We didn't have shit. Whenever I can be like, oh, shit, we're out of barbecue sauce. There's some in the pantry for sure.

Then I'll go on and be like, there's three in here. You're right. We're not out of barbecue sauce. We're not out of shit, really, ever. It's just thrilling. You don't understand object permanence. I don't get it. He shuts the fridge. He's like, where's the barbecue sauce? Laura!

I can't see it. Max walks out with a bottle of it. Oh, thank God. Yeah, God. And my baby. Wellstock Pantries. Go on. Yeah, God. All right, she is mine. And my baby. That's so fucking... I will say this. Wellstock Pantries. Go on.

Into Wellstock. Whenever I would fly home, and my mom would always be like, you're getting in on winter? I'd be like, I'll get in on whatever day. She'd go, all right, well, I'm going to go to the store tomorrow. Tell me what you want. Oh, yeah.

That was the best thing ever. Like, oh, yeah. Yeah, like, still to this day, it's like, just good salsa and some beer please that's all I would want they got maybe some grocery store cookies in there too oh god I love a well stocked pantry

I aim to have one one day we have all the goodies we have all the sodas we have the fizzy waters we have the noodles the cans of stuff all the sugarsas. We have the fizzy waters. We have the noodles, the cans of stuff. What?

All the sugars. I mean, it's just like. You're doing it. It's crazy. There's bags of noodles. That's a house with a child in it. Yeah. I guess that's what that looks like. Box of macs and cheese, like 24 rolls of toilet paper.

That always blows my mind. We're like, bro, we just have. That's one thing. My bathroom pantry is stopped. Yeah. Sam. Oh, yeah. That's when you're growing up a little bit when you stop stealing from a gas station that you take it down those rolls that

look like a fucking fire hose roll that they're like they're like tire wheels and you have it in your bathroom at home you're like everybody knows i'm broke finn as an irishman's alibi those things yeah you gotta wrap it around the hand two times to even get any kind of traction. It's like you're getting ready for a bare-knuckle brawl. Yeah, yeah. I'm about to go punch the shit out of my asshole. That turned right out.

12 rounds with that for my fourth pick I'm taking that one independent coffee shop yeah it's like Gary's coffee shop because you know they have like there's like there's like a couple Starbucks there might be a Pete's there's like all that stuff

and then there's like this one dollar and a dream they were probably they might have been there before the Starbucks even ever opened in the first place. And they've still been hanging on. And like the baked goods are always better. You know, there's like old,

like there's old couches that were like definitely in a house at some point that you're like sitting on. It's probably the person who works there probably. Different size mugs. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I just love like in the suburbs, like, finding that, like, the one coffee shop that's, like, is not a chain coffee shop.

I always love that. One of the bands is probably playing there. Yeah, yeah. Because they support local artists. Yeah, they support local artists. They've got local art on the walls. They're, like, all the flyers for the high school plays. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah. Have you ever almost bought some of that local art for a little too much? Like, there's been times where I'm like, technically, I got 120 bucks. It'd be a fun story to support this person, but I'm like, nah, I can't. I can't buy a painting of the lamp. I never have because it's always outrageously expensive.

It would make their day. I know. I always think that that's the only reason I ever think about doing that stuff yeah I haven't done it I will buy a shirt sometime or I'll buy something from a place like that if I'm in there I get a mug or a shirt from like an from like a restaurant or whatever

I love doing that we know Shane loves doing that yeah I am covered in sponsorship wear comedy festival wear coffee shops in New Hampshire, and it was just so charming. Everybody was working, and they were cool teens. You know what I mean?

Drama teens or whatever. I just love the vibe, man. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're listening to music, and you're like, who is this? And they're like, oh, it's fuck. We don't really listen to this anymore. Yeah, it's spill canvas, right?

Yeah, it's spill. Buddy Nick. So that's my fourth pick. David, time for your fourth pick. I'm taking hanging out in parking lots. Yeah, parking lot hangs. Come on, anything can happen in and outside of those cars.

Way in the back. What was your prep would you what like where where did you want this parking lot were you like of the for us and elizabeth because you know elizabeth is so small so we had to go into aurora but it was the parking lot at the chinese man theater so many fights all the stuff happened there god yeah because it was like i it was like such a giant parking lot so it's like the theater and there were sections but you could be like a quarter mile back and nobody's really fucking with you it's in the strip mall and yeah oh tons of fights tons of meet me at the man that was it meet me at the man uh the target was where in beaverton okay

in our in the Tannisport area That was the parking lot Because it was just active You would see people You went to school with You would see like People you didn't go to school with Other kids

From other schools That was the wild shit Where you're like Shit that's Jeremy You heard about Jeremy He's tough Yeah I remember getting dropped off

At the movies And then me and my friends Just walking straight Into the parking lot Yeah Oh yeah What are you doing at the movies? Your folks drop you off to go see fucking National Treasure or whatever

and then you're like, okay. And then you just go to the parking lot. That Nicolas Cage is a positive role model. Yeah. We had the whole loop. It was called the loop. It was like 10th and 11th or 10th and 12th street and it was probably eight, nine blocks long and kids.

We would just drive around all night. And then there was the loser lot, which is our big ass parking lot with all the fights and stuff. That's where we'd go by and throw eggs. I threw an egg at that dude. And then we got stuck at a stoplight and he came over and was punching the window as hard as he could to try to break it, to drag me out of the car.

It was so scary. It's just like screaming in the car and he was punching the window as hard as he could. And then the light turned green and we got to go. We got stopped one time. So I stopped at a stop light to call my girlfriend from a pay phone. And I get back in the car and these dudes pull up and block us in. They all got out of their car. There was three of them. And they went over and beat the shit out of some kid that was standing on the corner, like stomped him out. And I was behind them and I reclined my seat back.

I was like, Adam, just be, Adam was with me. I was like, be cool. Don't say anything. Like act like, it was so scary. And then they just got in their car

and took off. It was wild. I do love parking. We used to get in shopping carts and have our friends drag us alongside the car oh we would do that jackass shit yeah

come on I thought if I did that now I would be so worried that I wouldn't be able to work for six months you know like I would like you want to go get stitches some night I'm just like afraid of getting hurt a lot now.

Yeah. All the time. We would launch shopping carts into bushes. Yeah. Oh, man. But parking lots are great. That's a fucking good pick. God damn it.

Yeah, the parking lot hang is clutch. Yeah. Yeah. Glad everyone else is killing it. This is great. We're all doing great. Yeah. Yeah.

Sean, it's time for you to kill it. Shane, what's your prediction? I don't know. Probably like multicolored shoelaces that you can only get at... Those are dank. They are dank. How about this? A movie theater bowling

sports complex. Oh, yeah. Like a big alley. Are you talking about the main event, bro? Are you talking about the main event? Because that's where it was happening. The main event. Oh, my God.

The main event is shitty Dave & Buster's. And Dave & Buster's is shitty anything. I forget the one in Beaverton now, but I went there with Kyle and Shane. Bullwinkles? No. It's got a bowling alley, a big restaurant, an arcade,

a movie theater. It's right by the Shake Shack in Beaverton And we went there to see Fast X And then we just went bowling afterwards It's fantastic So yeah Just those Vibe, like that, just everything That everything complex

Yeah, probably got Cause it could be like, all the stuff could be happening There's teens hanging out, but Because it could be like all the stuff could be happening. There's teens hanging out, but then it could be like a little kid's birthday, but then there's also like adult rec league bowling. So like a whole family could be there at once doing different shit. Batting cages.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. People get some cuts in. They're playing like, you know, 2000s music. Everybody, everyone's like yeah alright I can handle this this is fine diarrhea nachos like just

sputtered out cheese and bad tortilla round chips their new take like mozzarella balls and stuff you know what's funny the last time I went one of those

me and Zach Toscani went to one of those in Hawaii of all places I'll buy that yeah not even a little surprising he was like this is the place you can get pizza. It was. It was. It was

so much fun. All that shit was happening. Yeah, because you're right there. You ain't got to go anywhere. It's all. You're right there. Yeah. It's got all this shit. I've never been to one of those as an adult, really. It's fun. It's still fun. Still a good time, man. I've never been with any kind of money.

Yeah. The closest, you know, Hollywood, the Hollywood strike or whatever that had, it's just not big enough, but it's like that kind of lucky strike or lucky strike. Yeah. It was like that, but that's too small. But like just that huge, I've been bowling, but not like a complex where there's like six other things going on. Yeah.

They don't really have those in LA, it seems like, so much. I bet they have them in like Orange County and Anaheim, though. I'm sure they do. Oh, they sure do. Oh, they do. I have been to them. Oh, yeah. I bet in California it's even better. We gotta go, Iceman. We should have a little day. Oh, of course. You drinking a

squirt? I'm drinking a Kirkland Signature Sparkling Water. I thought it was a squirt. Oh, yeah. But you'll see me drinking a squirt? I'm drinking a Kirkland Signature Sparkling Water. Okay, I thought it was a squirt. Oh, yeah. But you'll see me drinking a squirt. I've had some of those. They got the green, it's what, it's like green, pink, yellow, yellow. Yeah, there's a blue.

We had squirt on the gun at Holman's. Ooh, squirt on the gun, dude. You remember that bar? It was like the Black Buzzard where they had whiskey on the gun that was crazy I've worked in bars that had that that would just shoot shots

the Holman's is open again we should go have a Holman's night I was like Laura man before I met you this was the spot I only went there once with her we were early but yeah I was like this ain't gonna be a me and you this ain't gonna be a me and you. Good. You would not be married. This ain't going to be a me and you.

I proposed to her about 30 feet from the front door, though. I remember that, yeah. I was going to say, did you duck in for a dip like right after, right before? All right, Laura, you go into the ice cream shop. I'm going to go into Holman's. I'm going to get some cash.

Let's go in here and we'll get a bottle of champagne and we'll call everyone. Yeah, yeah, this will be great. We'll take your most expensive bottle of champagne. That'll be $12, sir. Shane, time for your fourth and then your final picks. Fourth pick. I will say I love this is seeing your friend do something, driving by and seeing your friend do something, you know, they didn't want to do.

Like a door. Oh man, that's a good one. Like he's mowing the lawn and you're like, what the f***? Did he say something horrible? Yeah, I know. Shame. I had a real bro down week.

We're going to cut that. Yeah, we'll go ahead and play. Zeke, you'll go ahead and scrub that, huh? Sure, why not? Yeah. You would do it. You would do it. Of course you would.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you would just like, look at him. He's got to clean up shit. What a loser. By the way, still happens quite a bit in this very city that I sit in right now. Oh, my God. If I drove by and saw you mowing your lawn oh my god the things i would say i'd throw stuff throwing garbage in the yard

you missed a spot it's a big milk carton i'd come over and dump my grass in your yard oh god that'd be funny dump all your leaves in my yard hey bro you missed the spot it's all the leaves from my yard to portland now whatever i gotta do but seeing them do that stuff we used to do this thing and it's horrible but actually it's not so bad but uh it's pretty bad where we would like drive drive around and wait for people to be walking. And then we would just scream, hey, bitch, and drive off. And we thought it was the funniest thing that had ever happened. And one time we did it, and my buddy wrecked his car driving off.

Hell yeah. He couldn't handle it. Got her ass. Smash. We just do it to everyone. Like our friends hanging Christmas lights, whatever they were doing. Oh, it's the best.

There's a name. Go on, sorry. Oh, just the stuff we used to do. Like I've said, we used to have the driver would close their eyes and we would have the passenger direct them where they needed to drive for as long as we could. Those things are insane. And you just like, I had a dream of

doing that in the city where it's like, we were just bored. I don't know. There used to be a name we would yell at people. I can't remember. I texted Nick to try to remember it, but we would roll down the window and just yell a name of people and just to see if it was them. That's so funny. Did'll try to get the name. Did you ever know people who hung out so much, they had weird car heads? I remember this one guy and these two dudes, they hung out all the time,

and only one of them had a car, so they'd be driving, and one of them would just roll joints, and the other guy would steer. The driver would roll the joints, and the other guy would steer, and they would just always be like, oh, yeah, we do this all the time. Did you guys ever have guys like that? We would have take the wheel. I'd be like, hey, grab the driver would roll the joints and the other guy would steer and they would just always be like, oh yeah, we do this all the time.

Did you guys ever have guys like that? We would have take the wheel and I'd be like, hey, grab the wheel and I'm going to, I would use my hands, like I would look for a CD or something and they're like, steer for me. Instead of handing them the CD, it'd be like, you look for the CD and I'll just keep driving. No questions asked.

Becky, we used to yell. We'd roll down the window and be like, Becky! And it was always startling. People would be like, what the fuck? And it was never Becky. Every other weekend we were in like the northwest part of town and Kanane was in town working the club. And we would drive up and ask people

excuse me, and then you would just blast the Star Wars music really loud. Yeah, I remember that. We were like in our mid-20s. And then we got Kyle with it. So Kyle drove around and did it for a while with us. Then we dropped him off, looped around the block, and did it to him. And so we just drove away.

It was tank, man. Because that song starts out with those horns like. Yeah, it's great. So abrasive. God damn it. Yeah, I loved that. That was one of my favorites. Alright. It rules. Okay. Whose pick is that now? Shane, time for your

final pick. Alright. This is kind of a combination of things, but I'm going to see if it can fly. Getting fucked up in the garage oh come on on staying out late that can fly that will fly yeah of course and then staying up late enough to go to the donut shop right when it opens that was like a thing we would do all the fucking time like like 5 a.m we'd be like walking into this donut shop up the street

and it's like nice family ran it and we would just be wasted at 16 and i'd eat a shitload of apple fritters and go to sleep like i think if i did what i was doing when you when you could go to sleep after doing that by the way if i had like five donuts and tried to go to bed right now oh my body's not gonna the sugar from either the alcohol or the donut might be enough to make your heart go like i might pass out but i don't yeah yeah dude but yeah but that was like my favorite was just like getting all liquored up and then going to the like i never worked the end of the night because you saw the sun come up and that was kind of the best thing that was exciting man watching the sun come up used to be so much more exciting now it's like always like I've made it I hate it if I see the sun come up now it just means I have

to go to Albuquerque like I just get on a flight yeah you're just waking up fuck that is exactly what it is you're at the Delta lounge like uh Lounge like, it's probably too early for breakfast. Yeah. Yeah. But it's not too early for a Bloody Mary for the guy next to me. No. Oh, my God. The Delta Lounge.

I'm glad I did not have access to it when I was younger. Oh, I would have been so irresponsible with it. Yeah. I'm responsible now, but yeah, I think back in the day I would have been. I would have been a goddamn degenerate. Oh, I would have been so irresponsible with it. I'm responsible now, but yeah, I think back in the day, I would have been a goddamn degenerate. Oh my God. I somehow was without access to it. And you sort of got to have a little decorum in there.

You know what I mean? Well, I was going to say, what's worse, drinking it like an animal in the bathroom at a stall where people are shitting or getting it for free in the Delta lounge? Because I think I would have rather got it for free in the Delta lounge. You know what? I'm still getting it done. Why are you saying, look saying those are the two options?

Because when I was at an airport when I was younger, that's what I was doing. And I'm like, it would have been better if I was getting it in the Delta Lounge for free. I used to go bring shooters and drink them in the stall because I didn't have money to go get a beer. That doesn't seem unreasonable to me.

No, it's not. Yeah, the point was... Shane looks apoplectic. I know. Who are you floating above right now. And then I saw my mouth on the camera go King Hippo and just... Because the point was

you were saying I would have been a degenerate. I was like, I was still doing that stuff outside of the Delta Lounge, so it probably would have been better in the Delta Lounge. There's no other private areas in an airport, I guess, huh? I'm trying to think of where would be a better place to do it. Well, because you can't go... You get a Coke, you're going to go sit in some weird wing and just sneak like little shooters and dump them in the Coke. I don't know.

You probably could have. You should have gone to one of those, like the nursing rooms for new mothers. That's worse. If there's anything I've learned in a post 9-11 society is that people still do not give a shit what other people are doing around them as long as they're not annoying. Yeah, true. I think so. I could care less what the person next to me is doing as long as it's quiet. Be quiet.

Don't start a fight. That's how we know we're getting old. Yeah, just... I don't care as long as it's quiet. Sean, it's time for you to wash up and make your next pick. I don't condone this. I never quit booze cruising.

It was going to come up. Yeah, I mean, I definitely not exclusive to the suburbs, but a big part of it. It's a pretty big part of the burbs. I don't know. I mean, that's... Is this just drunk driving? No, it's getting drunk in the... So it's getting a 30 rack probably and then

getting four people together and then just drinking it while you're driving around because there's nowhere to go. We would do that. We were big on that. You never did that? This is not something. There were the Booze Cruise and the Burn Cruise.

They had Newbie and the Burn Cruisers for a while. They would only smoke weed when they drove. We had a fake band. Newbie in the burn cruisers for a while like they would only smoke weed when they drove I mean we had a fake band newbie in the burn cruisers yeah we would I mean you know we would there's no way

to say there was a level of responsibility to it but like we would just cruise around slowly and park sometimes if you just drink beers while you drove around that you know because there was really nowhere to go and do it yeah when you're a kid 17 or whatever we did we did it we did it we did thank you yeah we drank i'm not saying we were any we drank and then drove we were not morally superior at all it's just not a thing that we got that got up to it seemed too risky you'd like you'd like switch cars like you'd meet up with so and so and you're gonna be like oh i'm gonna go with them there was always someone who didn't

really seem to care about being the driver and you're like okay exactly that's what a lot of it was so and so doesn't drink so he just drives the whole or it'd be someone with like the dope whip and like the big big SUV or something with the dope speakers. Like a Mitsubishi Eclipse. I was just going to say that! The Eclipse was a top tier car for a high schooler.

In the suburbs? Adam had one. Adam had an Eclipse. That's hard. You just heard Mitsubishi Eclipse and all you heard coming out was wake me up inside. Can't wake up. I feel like there was a Nissan back in the day, too.

I had a Nissan. The big one around here were the Pontiacs. There were Pontiac Grand Am and a Pontiac Grand Prix. Those were hella Sioux Falls card. I never saw them anywhere else. Pontiac Grand Prix and Grand Ams. The Eclipse was like a hot chick hot chick card too.

Yeah. Like cool guys and then like hot hot girls. Yeah, the girl at the mall who was like already dating guys in college who worked at a coffee shop. Yeah. And Adam Neuroth. What I think of. It's the best.

Anyway, yeah, Booze Cruisin'. Man. David, your final pick. I can't believe I got it this late in the draft. Milfs and Dulfs. Yeah. Come on. Real mom-focused draft board today, David.

Don't worry about what I'm doing. I added Dulfs too, but I'm just saying, you remember, there was, like, legendary hot moms and dads. Like, everybody would know. Are they even that hot, or are you just that horny when you're a teenager? It's a beautiful cocktail of both, man potent mixture equal parts right down main street yeah seeing an old mayor go out for one last run and you are just a young spry buck man and you like because the milves and the dills because i didn't know i like i knew a couple i would i knew enough girls there would be there were a couple dads where the girls were like that too and it was like the milfs and dills they always knew they know they had to

straight up no oh man sure um i got i've told you this my buddy's mom used to clean the house in her underwear on like sunday mornings straight MILF. And even as a kid, I was like 12, I'm like, what are you doing? Braun panties? You lunatic. What?

Mm-hmm. What? That's, okay. So she would have her Braun panties on and then she would have one of those sort of see-through

negligee things. In French dresses. She'd have one of those see-through negligee things. She'd have one of those see-through negligee things that would go loosely around your shoulders and maybe down to two inches below your butt, maybe. Do you know what I'm talking about? It's like a shawl

kind of thing. You can see through it. She would clean the house. I'm starting to rock up. The computer's going to shift back. But she would do that and I'm like, that's crazy. If it would have been my mom, I would have lost my mind. The computer's going to shift back. But she would do that, and I'm like, that's crazy. If it would have been my mom, I would have lost my mind. I'd be like, you can't be doing that in front of my friends.

That's bonkers. It proves that you have a bad marriage. You're looking for this approval from my 12-year-old friends? That mom is married all the time. That poor guy, because I would have been on his bumper. Poor kid.

I'd have never. Oh man, I'm over. And your mom's hopping out like that. That's a conversation. My buddy's mom would come out like in her, like negligee or not. Like,

you know, like in her, like real skimpy robe. And he would just be like, cover yourself. You old slut. Like he would just let her say that to his mom yeah like they were horrible to one another she'd be like you're a fucking

idiot that's why you dropped out of high school he's like you're an old that was the kid you had the chandelier bit about right no i was a different guy i was a different guy but yeah same same person but different guy years later you always hear like a story of one guy getting in there you know what I mean yeah yeah you know you know you feel so bad you're like

oh no it makes sense Brandon had a mustache before the rest of us yeah the media boycott is lifted you're 31 you're at a BJ's getting drunk and it's like, okay, so. He did. Yeah, got in there. Yeah, he fucked her, right? We had some stories about older sisters like that. I don't know if I've

heard about a mom, but there were some years later that came to surface, be like, someone would find something out about their older sister, and they're like, oh, man, really? Like, yeah, that's why everybody wanted to sleep at your house. Oh, man. Oh, did you ever have, we had a kid in our high school who was such a nerd he would try to convince us to go to his house because his older sister was

like a cheerleader and he would be like oh yeah friends always come over and they get in the hot tub and it's like dude nobody's going to your fucking house yeah and also what am i gonna say i would have bought that i would have ate at that restaurant one time. Yeah. I mean, the kid was a dweeb. I'll tell you afterwards. Very funny story about how that kid ended up. Uh,

well, let me make my final pick really quick to get there. I'm taking active construction sites. Oh yeah. Where they're building more houses, where they're building more houses. You can get in there and just kind of like, you know, whether it's riding it, like whether it's like dirt ramps for your bike

back in the day or just general mischief we once took the fire extinguishers off of a bulldozer and just sprayed them all over the place see I've never sprayed a fire extinguisher it'd be fun it was a blast that's how we felt we were like we may never get to do this again

it was real fun. It's weird. It's like being in one of those houses and then somebody moves into it and like two years later, you're like, no, I've been here before. Oh, yeah, that is funny. I took a shit underneath where your dining room table is right now, actually.

So kind of really, it's my house. Yeah. Territorial pissings kind of way. I done marked it. So it's my house. Yeah. I'm still in a territorial pissings kind of way. I done marked it. So that's my final pick. The final pick of the draft. To recap, Shane, you went first. You took petty vandalism, going into the city,

a crooked convenience store that'll sell you booze, seeing your friend doing something you know they don't want to and razzing them, and then getting fucked up in a garage and then staying up late enough to go to the donut shop. Sean, you went second. You took chain restaurants, small summer festivals, slower driving, a bowling entertainment complex and booze cruising.

Which I guess it's good that you're driving slow. David, you went third. You took mom beefs, holiday decorations, bands, parking lot hangs, and then milfs and dilfs. I went last and I took getting drunk at a chain restaurant,

parks at night, well-stocked pantries, the one independent coffee shop, and then active construction sites. Iceman. You know, I'm shocked that this didn't get taken, but going to the mall, I feel like that's a suburban-esque activity. I had like an active a suburban-esque activity. I had

an active mall with no out-of-business stores. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Big-ass mall. I grew up going to, as we've discussed before, the Del Amo Fashion Center. Washington Square, man. Yeah. Blackham's Town Center. It's a well-trod territory. Yeah. We were playing the hits. We've talked about the mall on here.

It's like French cuisine. A lot of people have tried to do it. It's Radiohead playing Creep. Trust me, I wanted to put it on when I was sweating my balls off in my third pick. I was like, take them all. Couldn't do it. We want to hear yours. Hit us up at All Fantasy Pod on

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