All Fantasy Everything - Websites (w/ Jamel Johnson, David Gborie, Sean Jordan)
Episode Date: October 6, 2022We are coming to you live and direct from Washington DC this week to draft a topic that is on all of our minds, websites! What's better than a bunch of people getting together in a room talki...ng about what they do when other people aren't around?! Please enjoy this live episode and if you feel so inclined, buy tickets to come see more like this while the good vibes gang is out on tour! We're coming to Portland, Boston, and New York! Get your tickets at headgum.com/live. Guest: Jamel Johnson @NonProfitComic IG: @Broccolihouse Podcasts: Air Buds and Sorry We Love Football  Support the show! Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for ad-free episodes, liveshows, mailbags, and video pre-rolls. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.  Follow the Good Vibes Gang on social media: Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmel Sean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordan David Gborie IG: @Coolguyjokes87 Mars Mel @MarsMel IG: @Mars.Mel Show Email: allfantasypodcast@gmail.com  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
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This is a HeadGum Podcast.
This is all Fantasy Everything, the podcast where we fantasy draft anything and everything from the world of pop culture.
Today's episode is our show from Washington, D.C.
The gang drafted websites with the very, very funny Jim L. Johnson.
If you want to see a video version of this episode, you can find it over on our Patreon.
There's a link to it in the description.
We'll be continuing our tour and headed to Portland, Boston, and New York.
Some tickets are still available at headgum.com slash live.
If you live near any of those cities, please come check us out.
All right, without further ado, let's get draftin'. Welcome to a live recording of All Fantasy Everything at the DC Improv in Washington, DC!
recording of all fantasy everything at the DC Improv in Washington, DC!
Yeah!
All right!
I am hungover.
I told myself I wasn't gonna drink,
and then I was in Washington, DC,
and I drank.
I drank.
We went to a karaoke bar. we'll talk about it more later but uh listen I I think I'm gonna host alone today is everyone okay with it we're finally back
on the fucking road and I'm bringing out all my old road bits this is our first
live show is this different I could literally bring him up.
Ladies and gentlemen,
you know I'm Sean S. Jordan on Twitter.
Sean Cougar Melon Jordan on Instagram.
Make some noise for Sean Jordan!
Go, please, go.
Please, go.
Please, go.
Come on!
With this magic
I introduce to you
an occult sorcerer
of the ancient craft
of necromancy!
A caster of mind-bending illusions!
Yeah, you didn't think I knew the words.
I know all the goddamn words to that song.
Nobody didn't think you knew.
Everyone thinks you knew the words. I know all the goddamn words to that song. Nobody didn't think you knew. Everyone thinks you know the words.
It's the fucking Wacky Circus Gang.
Let me navigate this real quick.
Go on.
Does it, yeah?
Man, I might take this out.
We'll see.
We'll see how it goes.
This is so goddamn sick.
Thank you so, so, so, so, so much.
This is so rad.
So rad.
I can't, I don't know.
It's great.
Whoa.
It's like a list of people you're going to kill.
Oh, yeah?
Nuts, man.
It's all there, dude.
Reba McIntyre.
Yeah, you got hard feelings about Reba.
Reba McIntyre?
I disagree.
I like her.
I think she's all right.
More like Reba cut the brakes to her tires, you know?
Fun.
There it is.
Quality comedy.
Hangover's gone, right?
Quality comedy of Ian Carmel.
Shut up.
You know it.
You know this cool guy jokes 87 on Instagram.
He's not on Twitter.
You blew it.
Give it up for David Boren.
Yeah, that's the song I picked.
Yeah.
Fuck you, man.
Was that?
That's not boozy.
No, that's gunplay.
We'll talk about it in the car.
You have so much to learn, young Sean.
How are you doing, Bubba?
Oh, man.
So good.
Yeah. We were at recessions.
Yes.
Yeah, we did.
TLC came on and I got on that dance floor.
Shut my nuts!
Yo!
You walked in!
I had never seen it before.
You were like, you were doing eyes closed moves.
I've never seen that.
I was.
I was like moving my hips.
Yeah.
You were doing that dance where it looks like you're like pantomiming skiing a little bit
That shit was so much fun you had your fucking peekaboo Street on up there. It was beautiful
It was off the chains man. I kept singing these are my recession
This is fun bit for me David really wanted to go to decades, but we had to
shut that down. I didn't want to go to decades. Don't do that
to me.
I believe
it's pronounced decades.
Do you believe that? We're in Washington, D.C.
That's how John F. Kennedy pronounced it.
That's how we're going to pronounce it.
We will go to the moon in this decade.
Where's my
Kennedy heads at?
Yeah.
That is the weirdest shout out you've ever given.
Kennedy heads, dude.
On this podcast.
Well, it's weird because you're talking about that old MTV.
Who loves the dynasty?
You're talking about the old MTV BJ, Kennedy, right?
I'm talking about her, yeah.
And she's on Gun Far Right.
She definitely is.
Which is what we've done.
301, baby.
We're out here.
301.
301.
What number are we on?
I think this is episode three.
I think we're on number lotion.
No.
Don't.
Don't.
See, nobody likes it.
No, nobody likes it.
Hold on, hold on.
Here, be super quiet.
Don't do it.
Please don't do it.
Ugh. likes it. Hold on, hold on. Here, be super quiet. Don't do it. Please don't do it. Somebody likes it.
Somebody likes it.
Man, that was fucking gross.
I'm sorry.
You're a father. Yeah, not right now.
I wasn't a father at recessions,
I'll tell you that.
Oh, you were dancing like a father.
Yeah.
I'll tell you that.
Oh, you were dancing like a father.
I love TLC.
I know you do.
I love that you love TLC.
We're in Washington, D.C.
We're in the DMV.
We had to bring one of the DMV's favorite sons to join us here on stage.
We woke up Joe Biden.
He's the... We woke him up.
We knocked on the fucking door and said,
are you high? Because these gas prices
are, Bubba.
I just kept saying
APR. Like, I know what that means. I was like, lower the
APR.
You own a home.
I pay rent to my wife who owns a home.
I don't even know what our mortgage is.
Somebody asked me the other day.
I was like, I don't know.
And I said roughly what it is.
And they're like, you should probably know what it is.
Do you know how many years is the...
No, okay.
No.
It's a 30-year mortgage, right?
Fixed.
Something fixed.
APR, bro.
I learned on Instagram.
I don't know what I'm trying to...
If these motherfucking dingbats would just lower the APR...
There it is.
This is why people tune in.
Yeah.
APR talk.
Car talk out.
APR talk in, bro.
Click and clack.
Broccoli House on Twitter. Babytelemundo at gmail.com. Click and clack.
Broccoli House on Twitter.
Babytelemundo at gmail.com.
Babytelemundo.
He's the Kevin Durant of wearing flashy-ass pants.
Give it up.
Give it up for Jam only what we show.
Not only what we show.
This is us.
Ay, yeah!
I was the one singing the TLC. It was me and my boy Fleetwood.
I told my man Fleetwood to come,
and we both picked Baby Baby.
Baby Baby Baby.
Baby Baby Baby.
There we go.
Unbeknownst, like, I signed up for it first.
He walked in 15 minutes later,
and I was like, what'd you sign up for?
Baby Baby Baby?
That's true love if I've ever... I swear to God, no.
We was locked in.
That was in the stars, bro.
I was T-Boz.
He was Chili.
R.I.P. left.
I had condoms all over me.
Yeah.
That was before you heard about the TLC, though.
You just had them on all your fingers.
That was when you thought...
Pandemic's not over.
Can't be too safe.
That was when you thought we were going to go to decades.
I would order a drink and the bartender would tell me how much.
I'd just slide him a condom.
How about it's that much?
Don't spend it all in one place.
That's complicated.
That's complicated.
Sean, when you started rolling the dice in front of me.
Oh, he was rolling the dice!
He was rolling the dice.
I'm trying to...
I forgot.
What was I doing?
Was I doing the knocked up thing?
Yeah, he got...
You were getting low.
You were on the ground.
Pantomiming dice.
No, I was just telling everyone
I was going to beat off later.
Hence the condoms. Hence the condoms.
You're gonna beat off to...
I'm just like, after this song.
...moments at recessions.
How are our sight lines?
Sights over here, we're doing okay?
Over here, we're doing all right?
Are we playing out to you enough?
All right, cool. The answer was yes.
It was a resounding yes, and then also a congratulations
belated on your M.E.E. in Carmel.
Thank you. I appreciate that.
It was awesome.
They all said it. They all said it. I'm more than just a reporter. Now, we are your Emmy, Ian Carmel. Thank you. I appreciate that. They all said it.
I'm just a reporter.
Now, we are in Washington, D.C.
Jamel, we didn't get you in on this, and I'm sorry about that.
But because we're here in Washington, D.C.,
we have a special surprise for you here.
Hey. Hey.
Where my Catholics at?
It's Jesuit night.
It's Jesuit night. It's Jesuit night.
Get your Eucharist.
Get your Eucharist up.
That was a deep Catholicism.
Nah, nah.
D.C. Catholic as hell.
Are you Catholic?
No, no.
What the fuck?
You can be black and be Catholic,
but you can't be overweight and be black and be Catholic.
If you're overweight and black, you're Baptist.
That math does... I hate how good that math is.
For sure, because there's way more potato salad at the Baptist.
I don't think Catholics like spices.
Yeah, for sure, man. They're not doing full fat mayo.
No.
Olive oil mayo, like a bunch of cowards.
We're wearing George Georgetown sweatshirts for the listeners at home.
Oh, people
are going to listen to this.
Got Allen Iverson and Jerome Williams
with us right now. Got the Junkyard Dog
with us. Two Junkyard Dogs.
I used to wear Georgetown shit
when I was about 12. I thought I was a crip.
That's right.
Back when you were taking baths?
Did you lay out your Georgetown sweater
outside of the bath?
Today's going to be a good day.
As soon as I'm done with this bath,
I'm going to go find some bloods.
Euro stepping into a hot bath
like Iverson did?
Just looking down at me like,
look, I have a chest hair.
This is crazy.
I got one.
Does that mean you got jumped in
smelling like bubblegum bubble soap?
Like, you smelled like Mr. Sudsy.
I've told you,
I got jumped in at my apartment playground.
You know the playground
that's always at the apartment building
that you live in
when you all grow up in apartments?
First place I saw a boob.
So much shit goes down at those things
that you don't realize goes down at those things.
Everyone remembers when they saw their first boob.
Did I interrupt a riff?
I'm sorry.
No, no.
Okay.
No, of course you do.
Yeah, that's...
Tattoo the Earth Tour.
I assume you were at a Wizards game of some sort?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
We're talking about our first in-person boob?
First in-person boob.
Real boob.
On the bus, 10th grade, Forest Park High School.
Coming back.
On the bus?
Yeah, this girl just whipped them things out for no reason.
Seemingly unprompted.
You know, people throw around the term
the Lord's work a lot.
See?
Yeah.
Mine's a darker story, so we're going to save it.
It's because you were eight, you fucking animal.
You were eight smoking a cigarette in a strip club.
Your dad gave you a shot of whiskey.
I was just there trying to get my money.
If you borrow money, be ready to pay it back.
That's all I'm saying.
Now we could talk about this all day.
But we are gathered here today not
to talk about where we saw our first boobs.
Again, Slipknot was on stage.
Sick.
I look back and somebody was showing their boobs
to Slipknot.
Like you do. And 14-year-old Ian Carmel.
I love 14-year-old you just being like,
Slipknot!
Oh, dude, I felt the air rise. Boobs! Boobs, Slipknot! Oh, dude, I felt the air rise.
Moves!
Moves!
Slipknot!
I felt the air rise up in me.
I kneel down, I clear the stone of leaves.
It was fucking tight, dude.
Of course.
Oh, I love it.
I love it.
Wait, can we, hold on a second.
Did you just heart a tweet of a dunk while we're doing this?
You're on.
Yeah.
That's the funniest shit I've ever seen.
LeBron James is 37 years old,
and he can still get over the rim.
Yeah, I liked it.
They was doing a bit, I wasn't even, yo.
I wasn't even a butt.
Get off your phone.
What you mean?
This is how I work, man.
This is how I stay loose.
No, I know.
I know, it was amazing.
I love every single thing about you,
and I always have, and I always will.
Yeah.
You are fantastic.
Hey, man, so is the NBA, where that dunk was from.
You think I'm not going to open Paramount Plus?
You think I'm not going to open Paramount Plus
in the middle of this draft?
That's right.
Crazy.
Beavis and Butthead coming soon to Paramount Plus.
Whoa!
He hit you. That was tight.
It's not like there's another show on Paramount+,
which is the streaming partner of the CBS now.
The late, late show. Come on, man.
I don't do the drops. Nah, I don't do the drops.
I'm a company man. I'm a company man.
That's why I say Paramount+.
I'm not gonna say y'all are my other ones, nigga.
I know where I'm at.
We are gathered here today
not to talk about Paramount+,
although it may come up again.
We are gathered here today
to fantasy draft websites.
Yeah.
Website.
Jamel, this was your idea.
You're on some websites right now.
Do you want to talk us through it?
Yeah.
What's better than the internet?
You know, there's a lot of sites.
There's a lot of web.
I'm excited to see where this goes.
Say no more. This is a top-heavy draft.
Literally.
This is a top-heavy draft. Yep. This is a top-heavy draft.
Yep.
Yo, damn,
I gotta watch this.
All right.
I gotta mark, like,
you gotta have, like,
30 prepared for this.
Bro, everyone heard
the literally top-heavy, right?
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, great.
This was such a brutal draft
because you're like,
oh, the internet.
I interact with it every day.
I must go to so many sites.
And then you sit down to make a list, and you're like, damn, that internet. I interact with it every day. I must go to so many sites.
And then you sit down to make a list,
and you're like, damn, that's a lot of music and porn.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, I feel like everybody felt like you were like,
oh, the superhighway.
I do so many things.
No.
No.
It's a good thing that we're all, like, pretty honest.
So it'll be interesting.
Yeah, I can't... I wanted to lie.
I wanted to be, like, number one site, FBI dot...
Stop saying pics!
Yeah, that's rude.
And I'm sorry, porn?
Don't do that to me!
Don't you fucking do that to me!
It's where people fuck each other on the internet.
Thought that was so brutal.
Thought that was happening on bankofamerica.com.
Commentary.
Ladies and gentlemen, the quarterback,
Ian Carmel. Now, the way we
determine the order of this draft is through a rocking game of
rock, paper, scissors. Play between the three of you and we
throw on shoot. Jamel, are you loading up the rock, paper,
scissors app? What's going on here?
Can I just, can I tell you guys?
It's just NFL scores.
What?
That's the best.
No, you're wrong.
He goes, what?
What's the, damn it.
See what time the Broncos start.
Yeah, you know the Broncos come on at four?
Come on, man.
We throw on shoot. Here we go. Yeah, hold on, you know what the Broncos come on at four? Come on, man.
We throw on shoot, here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!
Oh, David wins!
David wins!
Boo!
Hell yeah, because I needed that.
I needed that bad.
As the winner of rock, paper, scissors,
I will remind you it is a serpentine draft.
All right, it isn't coming upon you,
before you do that, I will remind you it is a serpentine draft. It isn't coming upon you. Before you do that,
I will remind you it's a serpentine draft.
Oh, and what is it?
Well, basically, if you pick last in the first round,
you pick first in the second round.
Yeah!
I didn't think it was going to be first.
All right.
300-something.
Yeah, give it to him.
Give him his flowers.
That was amazing.
Man, that's...
I just want to take a second and say
it is so dope that this is happening here today.
Ha-ha!
And I got an Emmy.
Ah, that's fun.
That felt fun.
That was good.
David, with that in mind,
what will the order
of today's draft be?
I'll just write down the pipe.
Straight down the pipe.
There it is.
You putting me
in the hot corner?
Yeah.
Hot corner!
All right.
Hot corner. Hot corner. Hot corners. Hot corner, hot corner, hot corners.
For those listening at home, that is David,
Jamel, Sean Jordan, Ian, Georgetown Carmel.
Sean doggy style Jordan.
Nah, man.
Let's keep it going.
Sean enthusiastic missionary Jordan.
All the lights off, missionary.
Lights off, eyes closed.
Oh, shit.
Can't lose.
Come on.
Jeans on, team strong, lights off, eyes closed.
You never had sex with your jeans on?
It's amazing.
That's a future line.
That's half a future line.
You gotta navigate the zipper
and it makes it edgy.
He doesn't say it's amazing,
but the first part was.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, man.
That's a... Jesus Christ. He's not here, dude. That's a...
Jesus Christ.
He's not here, dude.
He ain't here.
This is a different kind of church.
Oh, I'm starting.
David Borey, you have the first pick in the website's All Fantasy Everything draft.
Before you make that pick, we're going to take a short break.
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Because it's always funny to me because we're in the room
and there's no space, but then
I'm like, people listening to it, do they get that?
And they do. This is a terrible riff.
I'll just start.
I'll just freaking start.
So I had to be real. I have a bunch of ones
that are more popular,
but for me personally,
one of the websites...
It's not porn, Shonda.
And you're lying.
I'm going to boost you.
I'm going to take the boob site right now.
Oh!
I don't even know if that's still active.
That was like one of the first internet sites.
Of course not. It was.net.
The boob site? What an asshole.
Also the butt site.
Grow up.
Okay, this is one of the sites
I've spent the most time on.
I've just spent hours daydreaming
on this site, wishing that I
can like really
use its wares.
I'm picking NikeID.com.
Oh yeah.
Dude.
Just like in the house. I'm going to kill.com. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude. Just like in the house,
like, I'm going to kill him
at the open mic with these.
Yeah.
I used to take sleeping pills
and go on and design shoes
and be like, that's dope.
What did the pills have to do
with that story?
It just made it more fun
because I was a little,
it's like my weed for a while.
Pills?
That's not good.
No, man.
I used to design so many...
I used to design cleats on there in high school.
So many terrible
Air Force Ones that said
hot comic on the toes.
Or some dumb
shit.
Going pro or some weird shit.
It's amazing.
You ever look up color wheels and stuff like that
to find out what's complimentary?
I'm going to furniture websites
to look at matching patterns.
Trying to insert that.
Yeah, I went crazy.
And you know the crazy shit?
I still have never bought a pair.
Not one fucking time have I converted.
I would sit there, design them,
and I'd pick a color for the sole,
and I'm like, no one's going to see the bottom of the shoe.
And then I'm like, it's $200.
I'm not going to buy it, so what does it matter?
Design what you want.
You're never going to buy it.
You remember the point where they were really
trying to sell us on ostrich?
Yes.
Yes.
Oh, the ostrich area?
Oh, you could put ostrich on your face.
It's a big, poured leather. It's a big poured leather.
It's got big ass pores.
Like it looked like me when I was 14.
It's just got big, huge.
You could like drive a car into one of them.
Also, if I get ostrich shoes.
When?
There's a whole bunch of other shit I got to do.
I got to get a feather earring.
Yeah.
You know what I mean? I got to get some crystals. Like it's a whole bunch of other shit I gotta do. I gotta get a feather earring. You know what I mean?
I gotta get some crystals.
It's a whole...
You gotta have a greeting that rhymes.
Yeah, yeah.
What's the word, Dirty Bird?
It's like a whole move.
I can't just come out with the ostrich like that.
You gotta start talking at a higher register.
You know what I mean?
I'm just like saying stuff
from like old TV shows.
Hey now!
Or whatever.
You just got to be like
Slick Rick like
what are the...
Oh, are they ostrich?
Are they ostrich?
Don't worry about it.
British guy.
Slick Rick?
Yeah.
I've heard that before
and I never followed up.
He got deported.
Yeah.
He's British?
Yeah.
It's 21 Savage's Yeah. He's British? Yeah. It's 21 Savage's dad.
He's British.
Yeah, y'all didn't know?
So you took NikeID.com,
but Nike Ego and Nike Super Ego
are still on the board.
That's why you got the Emmy.
How do you make an id joke ten minutes in?
Yeah, it's pretty good.
I'm also looking at my list.
That was a stupid fucking...
Yeah, that was...
Yeah.
If we can't be real,
holy fuck,
that was early
for NikeID.com.
God damn it.
Wow.
Definitely dope.
Oh, it's great, yeah,
but, like, I mean,
that was way early, dude. Like, you're getting Well, it's great, yeah, but like, I mean,
that was way early, dude.
Like, you're getting a tight end with the first pick?
What do we...
Sam Tallent, man.
You remember when Sam used to be a tight end?
Sam Tallent?
Sam has never been a tight anything.
I think we can build a team around him.
Okay.
Let me do a quick question.
So, we go in, it's Serpentine, so it starts,
you're in the corner, and we go in back.
The one time it would have come in handy.
And you fucking punted.
The one time.
I have a serious question.
The one time.
It's like if you're waiting in line to get in a roller coaster.
No, no, no, no.
Too late for that.
You already hit your bit.
It's like if you're shaving your pubes in a weird way.
That's weird to you?
I'm sorry I opened the door.
I was doing it with a machete.
You mean like where you put a jack-o'-lantern face down there?
When you got your jeans on, but you're still shaving your pubes.
Oh.
NikeID.com.
It went early, but it is yours.
Jamel, it's time for your first pick.
All right, I just, if you're going to pick Sam Bowie,
I got to pick Jordan.
Come on.
Yeah, obviously.
No, no, no.
Wikipedia.com, guys.
Yeah.
You kidding?
Didn't even make my fucking list.
I mean, come on, dog.
Do you want to know anything? Anything. Do you want to know anything?
Anything.
Do you want to know anything in the world?
Do you also want to fuck up someone's biography?
Can you, okay, can you actually do that?
How do you do that?
Yeah, man.
How do you do it?
Type in the bitch and then go in there.
It's called hacking, Sean.
Yeah, dude.
It's called hacking.
You drink a Monster Energy drink,
you wear sunglasses at night
And then you say I'm in
And you say mom I need more hot pockets
How do you do it
You can't just go to Wikipedia
And type on someone's page
No you can
What do you mean you can't
Have you ever done it
Of course not
People have done it for me though
And people have done it for you.
We've had fans like...
They know more computer shit than both of us.
I guarantee it.
How much is that, though?
I know this part.
That's two computer shit.
We know one computer shit.
You know two.
You can do it.
Do you think that anything you can't do can't be done?
Bro, that is amazing.
Nobody's ever bowled a perfect game.
I guarantee it.
You're just out here like,
nobody gives birth.
Oh, no, I saw that.
I saw that go down.
You've seen it twice.
I have.
My mom and my wife.
We're being honest.
Yes.
I watched my mom give birth to my sister
when I was 14,
and it's not the move.
And that's going to be on your Wikipedia after the show, dog. And that's going to be
on your Wikipedia
after the show, dog.
Because that's the power.
Raw power.
Man, I'm serious.
This is dope.
Come on.
It's my fucking line.
Say it more then.
I will when it's dope. It's dope. I. Say it more then. I will when it's dope.
It's dope.
I'm having a good time.
Wikipedia is a great fucking thing.
I read so much Wikipedia.
So much.
And regurgitated it back to people like I had done the studying myself.
Oh, yeah.
That's the wild thing.
When you learn something, you're like, well, I'm going to go ahead and drop that somewhere.
Yeah.
Somewhere with some people that don't know it.
I know a lot of people that don't know shit.
Wikipedia is so vicious.
You don't even got to go to Wikipedia no more.
It just shows up in your Google search.
Nope.
It shows up in a search.
It shows up on the next search.
It shows up in your, it should have been my first pick search. It shows up on the next It shows up in your
should have been my
first pick search.
Shows up in thank
God neither one of you
chose what I'm going
to pick first search.
I get it.
Yeah.
I'm leaking.
You know what's
terrible too is I
never have given
them money.
No never.
I know it's so bad
because no one's
around to look me
in the eye.
There's always like
a Swedish dude like,
please, we need more mommy for this.
And I'm like, ain't got it, cuz.
I'll catch you next time, Wikipedia.
Go ahead and look up broke on there.
I don't have any cash on my computer, so yeah.
Meanwhile, I'm looking up who invented the yacht.
You just type in trying to get money.
I chanced upon a Wikipedia the other day.
And did you know there's an area outside of Yosemite National,
Yellowstone National Park called the Death Zone where apparently,
yeah, like no laws apply.
Wait, what?
I thought it was called Dogpatch or North North Cliff.
No.
We should do a live show then.
Yeah, we should.
The Dead Zone?
Then you can hear my real pics.
Just five different versions of the Silk Road.
Stop it!
Silk Road, Silk Turnpike.
Silky Off-Ramp. That's probably a fun site, the Silky Off-Ramp
I think it's poop stuff
Do you think it's poop stuff?
You guys
Something about the ramp part
Silky Off-Ramp
It was not a Silky Off-Ramp this morning
Nor will it be this evening, my friend.
Wikipedia, amazing pick, first-round talent.
Sean Jordan, time for your first pick.
Google.com.
Yeah.
Sorry, not just, it's like, this is crazy to me that Nike ID went before Google.
Normally it's me doing that, so I'm stoked.
It's crazy to me too, man.
I choked, I got nothing.
Yeah, Google, I mean, we don't need to dive in, but Google.
It's become a verb, yeah.
It's where you find the other websites we're going to pick.
What was the last thing you Googled, Sean?
No way, all right.
I'm going to be dead honest with you.
I hope it wasn't my name.
Because a lot of times
it is.
Especially now.
Oh, I only have
trending searches.
I don't have my history.
I googled another website.
So the one that's
not a website
is United 1490
is my flight home.
I think. I don't know.
Before that, it was area code 720.
Shout out, Will.
How you doing?
You have how does a serpentine draft work on there, dude?
I can see your phone.
It just shows me pictures of what I Googled
because my phone thinks I'm stupid.
Yeah, Google.
Mine says liquor store near me.
Does it really?
Are you serious?
No, it's Olivia Trilby first
and then liquor store near me.
Who's Olivia Trilby?
She sounds like a cartoon chipmunk.
It's this whole weird project.
I don't want to talk about it.
All right.
Is the project?
No.
Google.
I mean, yeah.
Google.com. Google. It's fantastic. It's great. The less said, the better. You know what I mean, yeah. Yeah, Google.
It's fantastic.
It's great.
The less said, the better.
You know what I mean?
Let's keep it pushing.
That's why I found out about the boob site.
Is it really?
No.
I think the boob site was before Google, honestly.
How long has Google been around?
26 years?
You didn't know that off top, did you?
Off top?
Really?
Somebody knew like that.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa.
No, no, no.
None of that.
No, boo him.
Yes.
Are you guys sending your beers back?
Me and Sean will drink those.
Are you sending them back?
We'll drink them.
Oh, never mind. Did you just take...? We'll drink them. Oh, never mind.
Did you just take...
I was like,
whoa, this guy's crazy.
Like a Somali,
like he took a sip,
like, no, no, no, no.
Is it Somali?
What is a wine...
Somali-ay.
I was gonna,
I've been doing this joke
about semen
and how I swirl it like wine
and I was going to say Somali,
but I was like,
I don't actually know if I know
the right word.
I swirled it like a Somali pirate.
Just like a Somali pirate up there
swirling jizz around
in a cup.
And if you haven't heard the bit, this
sounds insane, so this is fun.
Google.com, google.com.
All right.
Because he was like John dressed like a small unit.
He's got like a Grand Hill jersey and a machete.
He's just swirling some cum in a club.
I just, I got my, I got my APR 15 around me.
I'm like, lower the APR.
By the way, if your APR is 15, you have an issue.
You need to look at it.
I need to find out what I'm paying for my mortgage
before I even talk about my APR 15.
All right, I'll take it. P. All right, I'll take it.
Porn Hub, I'll take it.
Now, not the best porn site.
Don't say any other porn sites.
What are you talking about?
But in my IMHO, not the best porn site.
Are you kidding me?
No, I'm dead serious.
I would love to know.
You're going to know.
You will find out.
It's going to be like home depot dot com.
After the show,
you're going to find out.
Porn Hub is where you can find
all the other pay websites
work for free.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Like a real Somalian.
How do people make money in porn?
It's all free.
I think they're paid
for the services.
Be honest.
Does anybody in here
pay for porn anywhere
I didn't think so
so it's
but so where are they
getting the money
to pay people the fuck
for me to watch for free
they probably sell
I mean you probably
get money per view
and also
you're not supposed
to put it up there
like every time I click on
yes I do want to see
Lois and Peter fuck
yeah
whoa
you clicking that no I was doing a bit but I want to see Lois and Peter fuck. Yeah. Whoa! You clicking that?
No, I was doing a bit, but I want to click on it.
I do.
Every time you're challenged by a game
that will make you cum in 90 seconds.
Would you like your dick to be enormous?
Like, I don't know, but I want to click on it.
Also, I'm like, what is so sexy about this game
that makes it take three times longer for me to cum?
My boy just got married.
He's out here hitting it daily, nightly, ever so rightly.
He ain't scared at all.
Jamel, you haven't said a word in like 10 minutes.
Well, I'll take this opportunity to let you guys know
I do have a video on Pornhub.
Oh, that's right! I forgot about that!
Comedian Jamel Johnson gets hot and heavy.
It's on Pornhub right now.
And there's that other one with you and Kim Kardashian.
I mean, it's me and Ray Dre.
Will you tell him to take his shirt off this time?
It's insane that they did that porn with their shirts on.
Me and Ray J recreating the One Wish video.
On Pornhub.
When I was running heavy, I used to listen to Sexy Can I?
That was like at the peak of my running playlist.
It was like an hour in and Ray J would come up and be like,
Sexy Can I?
And I'm like,
you can run this other mile.
You can.
Should that song have had a comma?
Should it have been sexy comma?
Can I?
Yeah.
Oh, is that?
That makes so much more sense.
Right?
Yeah.
Yeah, okay.
I'll just check in grammar-wise.
Porn Hub, solid.
Porn Hub.
I mean, it's full of porn.
The pandemic, yo,
Porn Hub, The High Data Powers
was pandemic part two?
Yeah.
When they made the premium free?
Because I didn't understand,
yeah, it's free.
I'm not paying for fucking premium,
but then when they opened it up,
I was like, oh.
Is it that different?
It's just, the archive is crazy.
Yeah.
They have all the porno DVDs?
Porn of premium. They're all there. Everything DVDs. Porno premium.
They're all there.
Everything.
See, but that's not what I want. It's like the criteria.
Booty Talk 2, Booty Talk 3, Booty Talk 4, Booty Talk 5.
Nobody's seen Booty Talk 1.
I don't want DVD.
I like all my porn to look like found footage.
Like, I watched like
straight up
normal people
fuck yeah
like they got somewhere
to be after this
yeah
I remember watching
the cast of
Pete and Pete
get off
being for real though
it's like
you know
when you watch porn
you do put yourself
in the scenario
so it does help
to have realistic scenarios
yeah
thanks for breaking down porn
for everybody.
I really don't do that.
Try to time it out so you come
when they do. Nobody in here has ever thought
of that.
You're on Pornhub
looking up guy who knows what a mortgage is.
Is this how you type on a computer?
I type like the Phantom of the Opera.
E-O-R-N-A
U-B-DOT-C
One of the last pornos I watched
was that real estate scenario.
You know that one?
Oh, I run that for days.
I really need the clothes.
I really need this sale.
As someone who just moved into a new apartment,
that is not...
It isn't how it works.
You know what's a fun one is hot guys fuck
because it's like two in shape people really going at it.
I'm serious.
It's like two in shape people really getting it done.
It's fun to watch.
I'm serious.
You watching this shit like it's track and field?
Yeah.
I can tell you I'm literally watching quite the opposite.
I'm watching people like after work fuck to go to sleep.
That's what I want to see.
David's looking up, well, it's Wednesday again.
I'm looking up, thanks for making mac and cheese today.
I can't wait until the next family member
asks me what I do for a living,
and I get to explain to them what this is.
This is so tight.
It's so sick.
You got ahead of me.
It's awesome.
Porn, they also have like good politics,
you know what I mean?
Sort of.
I mean, also bad, but then they'll be like,
no porn for you, Russia.
You know, they're like.
I mean, Russia has some content on there.
Yeah, yeah.
So does Czechoslovakia, weird enough.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, nobody's seen the Czech shit?
That's just me?
I'm the only one that that pops up?
Leave him out there.
Leave him out in the rain.
Leave him out in the rain.
Tons of check shit.
Not a lot of Nigerian shit.
Now I'm just going on a tangent.
Pornhub.com and my second pick,
as it is a serpentine draft,
I'm taking ESPN.com.
I'd still be going there.
I'd still be going there.
Yeah.
I don't know what else.
I don't really run ESPN a lot. I go sometimes, but I think... be going there. I'd still be going there. I don't know what a... I don't really run ESPN a lot.
I go sometimes, but I think...
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's all right.
It's okay.
I go there an awful lot.
Anytime I want to know what's going on in the sports world,
I go there.
I check in, you know, sports stuff, ESPN.com.
The app goes off too much for me.
I'm not on the app.
Oh, the app is always dinging me.
I'm like, oh shit, I gotta...
You can turn notifications off.
Okay, computer genius.
All right, you fucking whiz kid.
Just go to pornhub.com.
Why am I catching a stray?
Because I was losing.
You gotta start spraying everywhere if you're losing.
He's kind of winning.
Anyways.
Yeah, ESPN.com.
I don't have a ton to say about it.
It's also had like,
page two in the past was a really fun place to read.
Like, you know.
What is that?
It was like culture.
Pop culture.
Like sports pop culture?
Like this is where
Bill Simmons started.
Oh, your man's in them.
Sure.
Not going to get into that.
Has anybody ever figured out
ESPN.com's actual web address?
Remember when it was like
ESPN.go.disney.
Oh, yeah.
What does ESPN stand for?
Extrasensory perception.
News.
I don't think it stands for anything.
It's pronounced Espen.
Did you find that out in Ibiza?
Ibiza, yeah.
P, p, p, p.
ESPN, Sean Jordan, tell me your second pick.
YouTube.
Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I feel P, P, P. ESPN. Sean Jordan, how about your second pick? YouTube. Yeah.
Yeah, I mean,
I feel like I got,
I feel like I got both of Mike Tyson's hands right here.
This is nuts.
I got Google and YouTube.
This is dope.
I have Alta Vista.
You got the same shit.
Google is YouTube.
Yeah.
You drafted the same shit twice.
Shit, I didn't diversify.
Yeah, no, I mean, YouTube, man,
it's like, YouTube,
I'm going to break this down for you.
Holds a real special place in my heart.
We would just sit at the Fortress of Solid Dudes
and just watch YouTube videos for hours.
It was like one of the times of my life
when, you know, just moved to LA.
We could have been doing something productive.
Like, shut the fuck up for a second.
But like, you know what I mean?
You'd come over and we were chilling.
We'd all be there just watching YouTube videos
and it made me calm in Los Angeles
where I was constantly terrified.
It was one of those things where it's like,
we can just watch, Zach can get stoned
and be like, I'm just going to type in slow motion
and see what comes up.
And it's juvenile and then it's slow motion videos
of cans getting crushed and you're like, hell yeah.
Watch Russian car accident footage,
stuff like that.
Karate gone wrong, whatever you want.
Big waves,
just like really big waves.
Yo, we watched so much hazardous weather.
Yeah.
The top five tornadoes ever recorded.
We were watching cruise ships and storms,
remember?
Because I'm like,
well, I'm scared,
but they got to be more scared,
so I'm calm now.
You're just like,
let's watch 4K footage
of Denmark for the next hour.
Why not?
Somebody's got a drone
and a camera.
Yeah, it's just,
again, like not,
I'm not going to break it down,
but like it's so dope.
It's everything.
What's the statistic?
It's like a billion videos
uploaded a week or some shit.
It's something insane
like that
it's 1.3 billion actually
oh is it
no I don't know
I have no idea
is it really
it's actually 26 years old
what's up dog
yeah YouTube
youtube.com
yeah great pick
and then when they
added YouTube live
it got really out of hand
you know what I'm saying
because nothing's better
than illegally streaming
an NBA playoff game.
Ah.
And then the comments are just, hate speech.
That doesn't have anything to do with the Indiana Pacers.
How did you end up here?
It's where all the music videos are now, too.
That's where you go to watch music videos.
Yeah, music videos are back.
And it's because of you.
That's why music videos are back.
Why we have videos for shit.
Dude, music videos are going to put that pull quote on their poster, dude.
Music videos are back, Sean Jordan.
TV Sean Jordan, by the way.
Yeah, it was on TV.
TV Sean Jordan by the way Yeah I was on TV
Yeah it was cool
I had a shirt on
And uh
That's it
I had a shirt on
Jamel time for your second pick
Okay
Alright alright alright
Alright alright alright
I'm taking this one
Cause I know Borey is coming right behind me.
Datpiff.com.
I can't have anything.
I had to do it to you, dog.
God damn it.
Datpiff is...
My shit.
What is Datpiff?
It's great.
Keep going.
Datpiff is where you had to go in 2008 to get mixtape.
Yeah.
Every mixtape.
Everywhere.
For free.
Now, first, okay,
so in the 80s and 90s,
you had to go to the barbershop
or be at the right gas station
to get mixtape.
Yeah.
And the gas station,
it would change.
Basically, a guy with a duffel bag
would appear
while you're pumping gas
and be like,
hey, I got that new K-Slay.
Yeah, DJ Drama.
Yeah, what's up? And then, at some point, it all got that new K. Slay. Yeah, DJ Drama. Yeah, what's up?
And then at some point, it all got put online on Dat Piff.
Dat Piff is still up.
All the best Lil Wayne.
Yeah.
That one good Wiz Khalifa one.
Yes, man.
Yeah, that shit was...
Hits.
They categorized it.
You could buy T-shirts on there.
Yo, Dat Piff.
Yeah, Dat Piff.
You want to impress your black friends?
Stop by Dat Piff.com.
Leave your phone on and just have it on Dat Piff
and be like, oh shit, yeah, I'm there like every day.
I'm like, shit, sorry to leave my phone on,
but I'm like on Dat Piff, so.
My screen time is up 40% this week.
Must be all that Dat Piff bread.
I got to start paying my mortgage also to Dat Piff,
because I live there, dude.
Wow, I love DatPiff.com.
On Dat Piff, you can get like Michael McDonald,
the mixtapes and shit.
Paul Simon's like B-sides, dude.
It's all on there.
How come there's no easy listening mix?
I know.
Come on.
I didn't know Kenny Loggins and Michael McDonald
never did a song together.
That piff.
That piff.com.
No Kenny Loggins.
We call him K-Lo on that piff, but yeah.
Oh, no. Yo, have you heard
that new Kalo
it's dope
Oh yeah
I found it on
thatpiff.com
I was browsing
the internet
I really have to try
to not drop my phone
in the bathtub
when I'm on
that piff
It does go well
with a chicken
David Borey time for your second and your third picks.
A serpentine draft.
Oh, this is so bad.
Nike ID has been taken already.
So have Google and YouTube.
That's literally my whole internet experience
maybe you could AltaVista
some other websites to pick
okay
I don't want to choose smut but I got
I don't have anything else good that people
will I'm picking the bang bros
oh
it's a tough sell
Julius and Lucian bang It's a tough sell.
Julius and Lucian Bang.
We tried to flip houses, but we couldn't do it. Two brothers from Miami.
One of them drives, one of them kicks hoes out the van.
And I also haven't been...
It was like a big high school thing for me.
I don't even.
Of course.
It's a nostalgia play for you.
It was the first legit porn site that people knew about,
and they played the trailers for free.
You could watch the trailer.
That was 60 second clips.
And you would get it done.
You're like, I don't need much longer than that.
I would download the 60 second clips
and make like a Bang Bros mixtape.
Whoa.
And just like a playlist.
But then you had to name it like
Science 2 so your mom didn't know.
So somehow a friend of ours had,
I look back and I'm like,
so it was you, you paid for it.
You told us it was a stranger.
But he had a login and password,
so for like three years or something,
all of our friend group, we had access
to the whole website, like for real.
It was insane.
That's too much.
And it was bad.
That's the problem.
I didn't need it, because then you're like,
whoa, 8th Street Latinas, for sure.
Which is the Google and YouTube.
It is the Google to YouTube.
It is the same.
You know what would be a funny guy
is someone who confuses the Mario Brothers
and the Bang Brothers.
You know, they're fun.
They're cute.
They're running around the sewers, you know.
I don't even know what Luigi does, but yeah.
The Bang Bros saved that princess.
Yeah, it's fun.
I got my kid super Bang Bros for his birthday.
They weren't saving anyone, I'll tell you that.
Bang Bros told me that I had a moral compass.
Yeah.
Not, because I really didn't know.
But all that means is you just didn't watch the end.
The end, yeah.
Yeah, see, that is true.
You got to cut it off.
No, it's cool.
I didn't love the beginning either.
It was just like the middle parts.
Like, I just remember being in eighth grade trouble
like the next day, like, damn, why the fuck?
Why did they kick her out like that?
I knew it couldn't be real.
Man, I don't have anything else
on here.
Well, that's too bad because it is time for your third pick.
Again, Nike ID unavailable as it has been taken.
First pick
of the draft.
I want to help, but...
Go to your open tabs.
I'm serious.
I'm serious.
They've already been picked, brother.
If Bang Bros was open on your phone right now,
man, that'd be wild.
Should I go look at it?
Hold on.
Open tabs.
That's a good idea what's celeb shot
I don't know
no
somebody knows
nope
this isn't helping
it's
it's fucking porn bro
does maybe
does Adidas have a
website you could use
I got
I've been looking at rugs.
This shit sucks.
Pink, what are you doing?
You've been decorating.
You've been designing the inside of your home.
What have you been on?
Okay.
Overstock.com
That's a great pick, man.
Look at this.
Look at these people.
Is that where a guy has sex with a woman on the rug
and then just leaves?
Do you remember those sexy-ass commercials
for overstock.com?
No.
They were very sexual.
Are they British?
Is it like overstock.com?
There might have been a British lady.
I just got this rug on there,
but I think I'm going to take it back. It's a good-looking rug. For the people in the crowd and the listeners at home, it's a British lady. I just got this rug on there, but I think I'm going to take it back.
It's a good-looking rug.
For the people in the crowd and the listeners at home,
it's a nice rug.
It's just like a big Punisher mask.
It's the Punisher logo with a mask on.
He doesn't want anyone to know where he's coming from.
Yeah, you don't know what angle I have.
What am I doing in this house? It's got a green stripe on it for the Forest Service. He doesn't want anyone to know where he's coming from. Yeah, you don't know what angle I have.
What am I doing in this house?
It's got a green stripe on it for the forest service.
Yeah.
I back the green.
It's got the bartender logo on it.
Yeah, you got it.
But no, I do use the fuck out of overstock.com.
So yeah, I guess that is a good... This draft is hard for me.
No, it isn't.
You should see the rest of my list, man.
I can't wait.
Overstock.com.
Yeah, they had a sexy-ass commercial.
Was the lady in, like, a lab coat?
Was she just, like, an all-white?
I feel like, yeah.
Yeah, I don't remember.
I didn't cool.
All right.
I Googled rugs.
It came up.
Is that enough? No. Jam Jamal time for your third pick
Overstock.com off the book
World star hip hop
Fuck
I go there
I go there
I seen him struggling
I seen him struggling and I was like fuck David
That's mine
Tighten up
He's for real shook.
Like, look at him.
Tighten up.
I'm gonna help you.
I'm gonna run up if people are fighting you
and yell, Overstock!
Yo, that'd be sick.
Every time you buy a shelf,
somebody yells Overstock at you.
Oh man, yo.
Just a gnarly brawl.
Overstock!
Man, fucking fuck me. Yo! Just a gnarly brawl. Overstocked! Man.
Fuck it.
Fuck me.
If you like YouTube, you'll love worldstarhiphop.com.
Every other video.
Well, it depends on how you like YouTube. If you use YouTube for certain things, you will love worldstar.
If you don't think YouTube is violent enough.
Or sexy enough.
Head on over to worldstarhiphop.com.
I had to cut out Worldstar.
I couldn't because it's just, I get hooked.
And it's tough because it's not a good hook.
And they'll take you some bad places, man.
They will, and then you find yourself.
You're like, what the fuck am I watching this for?
But I watch.
I do.
Did I ever tell you I wrote for them?
I met Q and everything.
Really?
Bro, they had.
Q Worldstar?
They were trying.
They were trying... Yeah.
They were trying to make an MTV show,
so they brought a bunch of us to this, like...
Just fights on MTV?
Seedy, seedy...
This seedy, like, rental house in West Hollywood.
Yeah.
You know when they...
Like, it's like a think tank for, like, scumbags?
West Hollywood is not that nice.
People think Hollywood,
but you're like,
it's gutter, man.
No, but like,
this was like,
this was like clearly like
where like Viacom executives
bring prostitutes.
Like it was,
it was bad, bro.
And we were there
and we were smoking fake weed,
I'm pretty sure.
Like they were like,
because they were like,
they were weirdly adamant
about like,
let's smoke weed, let's smoke weed.
And let's smoke the weed.
And I was like, I don't think I'm getting high.
Jamar was there.
Oh!
And they would like.
I think that weed was probably laced with angel dust
and they were like, they're gonna start fighting.
Roll the cameras.
Bro, because they.
One of them's gonna think they're God.
And you could pitch anything and they loved it.
Like I was like, well, I saw the Sharkisha video.
I think that's pretty crazy.
And they were like, absolutely.
Let's make videos of kids fighting.
Because they were British.
What?
That shit was crazy, man.
They were British?
Absolutely.
It was insane.
Damn.
Best thousand dollars I ever made.
Yeah?
This is a video on the front page of worldstarhiphop.com right now.
Her expression says it all.
Grandma out here reminiscing on her glory days
after this sex scene came on during a movie.
It has an exclamation point at the end of the...
That's why I had to go up when I said it.
Ah.
Ah, that was one of the funniest things
I've ever heard.
Holy buckets, that was tight.
World star.
Fantastic.
I have, I've never been to world star.
You've never?
I never have, no.
Not one time.
I maybe went to go see what the hubbub was
and I found it wasn't for me and I left.
You've never seen a video of a woman in the Bronx
yelling on the train?
I mean, I do, but they're a different, it's a different kind of woman in the Bronx yelling on the train? I don't know.
I mean, I do,
but it's a different kind of woman
in the Bronx.
When I go to
Montemarrecipes.net.
Man, I want these
to be websites.
I want that to be
a real website.
Debutantsofyonkers.org.
I'm thinking about the department store yonkers.
Oh, what?
Yeah, it didn't land.
They don't all hit.
Is that a department store?
It was in Sioux Falls.
Nobody had a yonkers.
That makes sense.
Wait, there's a department store called yonkers?
They could have called it Brooklyn, Manhattan, Long Island, Staten Island.
They just sell Timbs and Pitbulls.
Went to Yonkers about a four-wheeler.
Every borough went to Yonkers.
It could be more different than Yonkers for real.
The shit they sell where they're like nice cheap sweaters like that.
No Jadakiss albums?
Nothing.
What about Soul For Real?
They got Polo Cologne, I'll tell you that.
I paid about 80 American dollars for a whole bottle.
All right.
Polo Cologne.
You're not a Savage man.
No, man, I'm a Polo guy for days.
Missing out.
Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?
They were.
Also, not the line.
He was, hell no.
Oh, you know they Polo.
Thank you.
Oh, shit, I blew it. Sean Jordan, it's time for your third pick. While you make it polo. Thank you.
Sean Jordan, it's time for your third pick.
While you make it, I have to pee.
It happens during the... I'm over hydrated, I'm on a blood pressure medication
that makes me have to piss a lot,
and I'm going to go do it.
It's funny how scared I just got.
There's no one up here running the ship now.
I'm just like, I don't know what's going on.
We're just up here talking about Worldstar.
I think we're just going to keep doing it.
Hey, I feel like dad left his home alone.
Let's play with the stove.
Yeah.
Yeah, we could take this shit off the tracks real fast.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm setting up fireworks in the house.
Let's try to guess
his passcode on his phone
and get in there.
Can I order a drink,
a double Jameson, please?
Neat.
Thank you.
And so, yeah,
just to keep it pushing.
Can I order
a single Jameson?
Nasty.
I don't want
to order anything,
but whoever came up
with the chicken parmesan
quesadilla,
just see me in the back. Also, there's cheesecake here. I don't want to order anything, but whoever came up with the chicken parmesan quesadilla, just see me in the back.
Also, there's cheesecake here. I don't think it's on the menu, but it's here and it's dope.
Anyway, my third pick, I'm going to go IMDb.
I'm doing it.
Hey, that's first round talent.
That is first round talent. I got to hand it to you. That's a great one.
I'm on IMDb so much.
Really?
I try to not because I want to just remember
where I know this person from or da-da-da.
But then I'm like, well, you're 40 and you drink a lot,
so your memories.
Go to the website that remembers for you.
And it's just fun.
And then I go down little rabbit holes on IMDb
and seeing what people got coming out is fun.
Like, what's Miles Teller up to? You know, what's Jessica Chastain got, got coming down the
pipe? It's fun.
Yeah. I watch a lot of old Law and Order.
You do?
Like unaccessible, like you can only get it if you have a digital antenna, Law and Order.
And it's like shit from the nineties and you always see these places like, oh, I just seen
such, oh shit, that's the lady from fucking, oh damn, they did the fucking,
oh shit, she was in the And you see somebody
like, holy buckets,
now they're a billionaire.
It's fun.
It's nice.
For everybody listening,
our alcohol has been delivered.
Thank you, bro.
Also, by the way,
can I just,
of course I can,
I have a microphone.
This club is fantastic.
Yeah, this shit
has been amazing. This shit has been amazing.
This shit has been amazing.
Every single person that I've talked to who works at this club is just fantastic and also gorgeous.
I'll say it.
I'm going to throw it out there.
Damn.
It's a hot ass club.
Everybody working here is fucking beautiful.
Beautiful.
Right there.
I'm just saying.
He hot as shit under that mask.
Yeah.
He hot as shit. that mask, yeah.
He hot as shit under that mask. What a day.
Thank you.
I'm just fucking sick.
I'm just so sick.
So I picked...
We get to do the...
I heard Internet Movie Database.
Yeah, yeah, IMDb.
I'm just on IMDb like heavy, like for real.
I'm on there a lot.
And I had to check.
I felt so stupid because I was like, are these apps, websites?
Of course they're websites because websites existed
before apps.
But I was like,
is IMDb just an app?
And it's not.
It's a website.
So,
took you to school real quick.
Thank you for being so quiet
and listening so attentively.
IMDb.
All right,
I'll write it down right here.
Thanks, bro.
I was going to draw
a penis on there,
but I didn't.
Accidentally,
I wrote a lowercase d
instead of a b.
Just a fun peek behind the veil.
The Onion!
Oh, yeah!
Fuck me.
Oh, that opened up a whole new file in my brain right there.
I didn't even think, like, actual knowledge webs.
What do you think The Onion is?
Wait, wait.
Here.
Hold on, man.
It's where I get my factual information.
What the hell?
We were having a good time, then you said that bullshit?
Come on, Sean.
I gotta hide. I gotta hide.
Get outta here. Don't hide behind me.
I don't believe the stories on The Onion,
but it's like sort of...
It's in the gateway to a knowledgeable website area. Like, if story's on the Onion, but it's like sort of... It's in the gateway
to a knowledgeable website area.
Like if you're at the Onion,
the next stop is da-da-da.
What stop?
No, no, no, nobody else talk.
Let him figure this out.
Remember when David picked Bang Bros?
Yeah, pretty cool.
How sexist that website is.
Not BTRA.
It's not just the bang bus.
They have a whole bunch of stuff.
Oh, no, I know.
I reference 8th Street Latinas.
Like, I know the catalog.
Mr. Camel Toe?
I'm from...
Oh, boy.
This is a family show, David, or it was.
Was it?
No, it wasn't at all.
So, The Onion, where you get factual news stories.
Go on.
I was having a donut hole.
Yeah, The Onion.
Holy shit, man walks on the fucking moon.
I mean...
I just spit donut hole stuff.
It's just fucking funny.
I love The Onion.
I love their...
I don't know if I can say the other ones that are on.
I think I hate Click Hole,
all those other stuff that's under The Onion banner.
Count it.
Fucking hilarious people
writing for there.
Just fantastic.
They're just amazing.
It's very funny.
Anytime something happens
in the news,
they're going to usually
have the funniest take.
And I say that as someone
who works for a show
that has takes on the news.
It's just great.
The Onion.
TheOnion.com.
Started as a newspaper.
Love it.
Huh?
Say what?
Oh, great pick?
Fuck yeah.
See, you hear that?
You hear that?
Yeah, I heard it.
Sean's got a file called Websites Open,
which, of course, it makes sense,
but it is very funny.
Yeah.
That you would have a note,
like, I hope in five years you forget why
and you just go to Websites,
and you're like, oh.
The Boob Site.
Let me go dust off the boob site real quick.
I mean, I wish that I could like,
I wish I had footage of me getting
busted having been on the website.
Oh, busted
is
busted is loaded language.
I thought you were
like, yeah, I wanted to see me busted.
Alright, is it me or wait?
Nope, still me.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Fourth pick.
If only somebody would have explained
how a serpentine draft works.
It's like if you're online at the bank or something.
Yeah, you're kind of like,
they got the ropes.
I can't believe it's still out there.
I don't spend a ton of time on it myself,
but I pop there every now and then.
They have fantastic NBA content.
I'm taking Reddit.
Oh!
Yeah.
Shout out to the
AFE subreddit.
Yeah.
They're fucking great. You can find
terrible stuff on there. You can find wonderful
stuff on there. It's an encapsulation of
everything happening
all the time, everywhere.
I was on forums heavy
growing up. I was a big forum guy.
Really? Yeah, I loved them. What forums?
There was one, it was
called the Smart Marks, which was like a wrestling
forum, but then they had like a sports
subreddit. Were you, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, this is deep. And I was just on
there, dude. There was just sports stuff happening.
They would do fantasy drafts.
It was called like the smart marks.
The smart marks.
Like you guys are a bunch of marks, but you're also...
Yeah, I think.
No, it was not.
They meant marks like you're a mark.
I think it's like a wrestling term.
Whoa.
That's kind of dope.
That was Hulk Hogan.
He's at the show.
He's clapping.
We call him Terry
But yeah
Terry
Terry thanks for coming brother
Good to see you
It's just great
You can find a lot of like
Stuff like you shouldn't go on
There's like doctor's advice websites
You know what I mean
Which always sort of catastrophize
And tell you the worst thing
Is catastrophize a word?
Yes it is
You can go on
You can go on like medical subreddits and there's people who have
gone through what you go through and of course
it's not reliable, but you can actually like,
oh, okay, this is not just like someone saying
go to the hospital!
So there's that stuff,
there's RNBA, which is like fantastic
NBA stuff, a lot of like conspiracy
theories pop up on there where free agents
are going, a lot of fun stuff. It's great.
I had one
video pop on Reddit.
I dubbed
Bitch, You Guessed It
by OG Mako.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Over some footage of Joe Biden.
Had to wake him up to get that, probably.
And then I made the caption,
Tell me why my uncle
from tennessee sent me this and and then like some joe bite like bros for biden picked it up
some like ten some country biden bros yeah i just looked up the next day it was like
like 15 000 people had looked at this bitch you guessed it
joe biden there's an appearance by jay leno in the video the next day, it was like, 15,000 people had looked at this, bitch, you guessed it.
Joe Biden,
there's an appearance by Jay Leno in the video.
I'll send it to y'all later.
But yeah, comedian clips can blow up on there and stuff, kind of before that was happening
on Instagram and whatnot. It was happening on Reddit.
And also hardcore pornography. Come on.
Whatever you need.
Gardening tips.
If you've got a big green egg,
you can read about the big green egg on there,
just if anyone else has...
You just got one of those, right?
I do, I did, yeah.
You're a big green egg guy now.
Oh, you're smoking meat.
Sean Jordan, time for your fourth pick.
Uh, man.
This is tricky,
because I want to pick my favorite porn site.
I should.
X Videos.
Yeah!
That's right.
It's Victor.
Oh, dang it!
Hell yeah!
You got a contingent out there.
I told you!
Everybody, please welcome Jason X videos.
Always at the live shows.
Of the Orlando X videos?
The Orlando X videos is definitely like a minor league based
baseball team? Basketball?
I was going to say roller blade squad.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the Orlando X videos.
The mask
has a guy with transition lenses on.
So here you go. Here's what's better about
X videos is when you're scrolling through on your phone,
the thumbnails show you what happens in the video.
Doesn't happen on porn.
Yes, it does.
No, it doesn't.
Not on my phone.
Maybe I got to update it.
Yeah, I was about to say.
When you're scrolling through,
it shows you the positions and shit.
So you're like,
do I want to watch this?
It's such a scummy fucking thing,
watching porn. Because you watch people having sex, you're like, they're all gorgeous, but you're like, I don't want to watch this? It's such a scummy fucking thing, watching porn.
Because you just, you watch people having sex,
you're like, they're all gorgeous,
but you're like, I don't want to watch that one.
I want to watch exactly what I want to watch.
Gorgeous isn't even one of the top three words
I'm thinking about.
I'm thinking, like, open to suggestion is one of them.
What about engorged-ness?
Anyway, X videos is the move if you're watching porn.
Go to X videos.
It's all good.
The other good thing about it is it will give you a virus.
It looks like, I don't know if that's true.
I don't know if that's true.
But every time you go there, I'm like, oh no.
No, it's a dark corner of the eye.
I shouldn't bring this computer to work anymore.
The X is in red, and you're like, don't make it red.
No one's stoked when they go to a red porn site.
I don't know.
Make it colorful.
Make it like salmon or something.
People in the DSA probably are.
What's the DSA?
What's the DSA?
The Democratic Socialists of America.
Oh, there you go.
301.
They go to a red.
They go to a red.
You understand now?
Red.
You follow me?
Like communists.
Red.
They go to a red porn site all of a sudden.
Now they're watching socialist porn.
301, baby.
Wake up, Joe.
More ethical.
Lower the gas price.
Wake up.
I'll also take this time to let y'all know the same video that I have on Pornhub is on
Xvideos
With a slightly different title
What's the title? I don't even remember I forget which one is which because one is like
Jamel Johnson like BBW comedian and then the other one is like he's getting I'm getting hot and heavy, but it's the same video
I mean I could go to X videos and type in Janelle.
Yeah, you can check it out.
But when you do, they are going to send you somewhere else first.
You have to like double search.
You have to like, you have to fight through the initial search.
You got to next a couple times.
It will be in there.
I don't like looking at porn while I do this.
Yeah, it's kind of, it's a little.
I'll send y'all, I'll send it.
That sucked.
Did you really just pull up X videos?
Yeah, I hated it. That's since I can't imagine looking at thumbnails of a porn site just pull up X videos? Yeah, I hated it.
I can't imagine looking at thumbnails from a porn site right now.
I saw it and then I got scared.
Yeah, it's bad.
It's bad.
I'm getting scared by proxy.
It's hitting me.
Anyway.
Great use of my proxy.
When I was leaving the crib to come here, Laura handed me a book.
She's like, I want you to read the first chapter of this book.
And that book is the only thing in the hotel room
that didn't move the whole time.
The desk in the hotel room moved.
And the book did not.
Are you going to read it on the plane?
No.
I'll be drunk on the plane, unfortunately.
Read the first chapter, because what if she hit a code in there?
It's 50 pages. I know, I know.
But I don't want to lie.
I've got to be who I am.
I'll read it tomorrow, maybe.
No, you won't.
I'm going to read it, because she's telling me.
I'm going to read it.
It's just not on the plane home.
What are you doing?
What is the book?
It's about how to manage the emotions
that a 15-month-old is going...
It's exactly what I should read
the first chapter of.
Honestly, it's about
how to manage
your newborn's emotions
and how to help them cope
and if Max falls or something.
You're not supposed to say,
oh, you're okay.
You're not supposed to do that.
You're supposed to be like,
I'm sorry that you fell.
Sounds whack when I'm saying it.
That's why I'm not going to read
this nerdy-ass book.
I'm going to get hammered instead.
Don't tell Laura I said that, any of you.
Okay, I found it.
On Pornhub, it's Jamel Johnson, semicolon, hot and heavy.
The Xvideos one is comedian Jamel Johnson gets hot and heavy.
Okay.
What are the tags?
The tags are amateur, chubby.
I'm so surprised.
I can't believe I haven't come across it yet.
Hey, in the X-Files, I want to do numbers.
Look at that.
Hey, look at that number, bud.
That's numbers.
That's all right.
What is it?
What's the views?
Not a lot of thumbs up.
When I took the picture, it was 37K.
37 racks.
Yeah.
That's sick.
And that's back in the day, dog.
Good job.
All right.
We're going to take a quick moment to watch Jamel's porn video, and we'll be right back
after this short break.
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Jamel, what were your fourth pick there?
eBay.
Fuck you!
eBay, eBay, eBay, eBay.
Bro, I had one more move.
I had one more move.
You're just holding David's head under the water right now.
It's so crazy.
Go to bed, David.
I got this.
We're seeing David's last hair bubbles come up,
and Jamel's like, I'm going to hold him down there.
Oh, the hood's up.
Oh, man.
Whoa.
He went dark Kermit?
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
I'm sorry, Doc.
I was just playing.
You were my friend, and you looked at my list,
and then you did that.
That's a lie he's been telling you for a decade.
Oh, no, I'm so on there.
You looked at my list and pointed at stuff to pick, and then you picked the one good thing.
You know the rest of this shit is ass, man.
I'm so sorry.
Jamel's been keeping his enemies closer forever, and now he's dead.
We went to the mall together yesterday, bro.
That's how you keep an enemy real close.
You take them to the mall.
Shout out to all my folks at PG Plaza.
Hyattsville Stadium.
It was a great mall.
Where do we cop these?
Oh, GT Players?
GT Players.
Shout out to GT Players.
Sent Sean and them down to Georgetown.
They went to GT Players.
Got some NBA socks.
Got a Raptors jersey I can't wear, but I got it.
Well, eBay, look.
You can buy them shits on eBay right now.
Oh, there it is.
You brought it back.
You could buy whatever we got on on eBay right now.
All of them.
And an original copy of Marvel vs. Capcom 2.
You could buy this actual shirt on eBay in like an hour.
You could get some Nike ID shoes on there.
You get some Nike ID shoes.
That was the first pick in this whole draft.
You know that?
You could buy a fucking house.
You could buy Mike Tyson's old house.
Dude, they were building a big house in Sioux Falls,
big for Sioux Falls,
and every time I drove someone by it,
I'd always be like, you know, Mike Tyson designed that house.
And almost everybody was like, no shit.
And I go, of course he did.
Why would he come here?
But I probably got like 30 people with that joke.
And I'm like, you idiot.
No, Mike Tyson didn't come to Sioux Falls and design the big house in Sioux Falls.
Bro, I've been using eBay since money orders, man.
Money orders.
I was mailing money orders to get throwback jerseys, man.
Money orders.
That's a pull right there.
Tight cross. They still got them.
Yeah, they do.
What's the craziest thing you've all bought on eBay?
I've never purchased anything
on eBay. What?
I didn't know how to do it.
I didn't know how to do it.
Well, that checks out.
I tried. It always got too complicated.
And then I was like, wait, am I just giving someone,
like, it's just, yeah, I buckled every time.
I tried, I tried to buy some kicks on there.
I bought a crazy Salacious B. Crumb,
like, lifelike figurine from Star Wars.
Oh, okay.
The guy who sits on Jabba's lap and goes,
like that guy.
Because he really grosses Dana out,
and I was, I'll just, like, show her,
I'm like, oh, look at this cute picture of our cat, and it'll be Salacious B. Crumb.
So I bought this figurine.
I wasn't gonna hide it in our house.
But the box showed up, and it was the most fucked up box.
The box was wet, you know what I mean?
So she opened it, she like, what is this?
And then Salacious B. Crumb was in there,
and then we had to talk.
Was this before or after the wedding?
This was before the wedding.
I said, yes, I spent $300 on it.
I was going to ask.
My things I buy on eBay are not like that odd.
It's just jerseys and shoes,
but I did buy a Sacramento Monarchs warm-up.
I see a bucket hat.
I bought a Pro Bowl bucket hat.
People hate the Pro Bowl.
It wasn't just advertising the Pro Bowl.
Was it a year? 2018.
When the Pro Bowl
was at its worst.
You are fucking fantastic.
Yeah.
I know, man.
Everything about you, man.
I know I said it earlier, but...
I bought a fake-ass
Caps jersey.
Fake-ass what?
The fake Caps jersey
because y'all know
the Caps jersey
when they came out
with the retro remix,
the red one
that all of y'all
bought immediately
and didn't leave
no two X's
for no fucking body.
I had to buy a fake one from Canada.
I bought a fake jersey from you
out of a suitcase once.
Yeah, that's true.
He did, he did.
It was a Raptors jersey.
Yeah, it was good.
Didn't you come to the crib
with hella jerseys one time?
For sure.
Most times, yeah.
He came a lot of places.
I have 15 jerseys in my trunk right now.
I don't think I bought more clothes off of any other person than you.
Which reminds me, I got you a little something.
I appreciate it.
You've got us a little something, David.
Your fourth and then your final pick.
Can't wait.
Don't clap.
I don't got it, bro.
Do you want to?
Come here.
Look at this.
Look at this.
Look how bad it is.
Look how bad it is.
He's looking a little off.
He didn't like what he saw.
The man's not wrong.
You can do whatever you want.
I'm not on Twitter.
Yeah, he can't even false flag like that.
I fucking hate it so much!
Man, uh...
What apps?
It's like the credit card shit.
You want me to pick Amex?
Yeah, I can fucking pick Amex.
Do you have the Nike ID app?
What?
I fucking... I have fucking title! Do you have the Nike ID app? What? Who did I go?
I fucking... I had a fucking title.
That's not a website.
That's a streamer.
It's an app.
Yeah, but there are websites that have music
that were before title that you probably used.
Yeah, like datpiff.com.
Yeah.
Datpiff and YouTube.
I'm not good at the...
This fucking sucks, bro.
I already picked YouTube.
I picked YouTube pretty early.
Why wouldn't you?
Yeah, yeah.
First check I ever got in comedy was writing for them.
I'm taking E-Bombs World.
Oh!
Hey!
But look how happy they get when you do what you do.
I didn't even...
I didn't know it was huge like that.
I just...
I used to write for them.
People love E-Bombs.
The fucking karate guy with the nunchucks? Yeah. I used to write for him. People love E-bombs. The fucking karate guy
with the nunchucks?
Yeah.
I made memes.
I made,
my most popular meme
was Michael Cera
and Ellen Page,
at the time Ellen Page,
and it said,
don't be silly,
Juno,
I don't use condoms.
That was my biggest,
that was my biggest.
How have you never
told me that?
I don't know.
Man.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Okay.
Yes.
David's out here moving like Freddie Mercury.
All right.
I want to be Freddie.
You have to explain that to the people listening.
You have to explain how he's moving like Freddie Mercury.
I don't know where.
Oh, boy.
It do still work. It work boy. It do still work.
It work?
Yeah, it still work.
Much like this draft,
this microphone is falling apart.
Much like this draft,
ours still work.
Yeah.
Got him. Got him
Got him
Oh man
That's a wrap
I wish you guys
Had come for the
Stand up shows
That's where I really shot
By the way
A lot of y'all did
Thank you for that
Yeah that was
Yeah we were pretty good
Seriously
We're okay at it You know Now David Ebaum's world Anything else to say We were pretty good. Seriously.
We're okay at it, you know?
Now, David, E-Bombs World, anything else to say,
or shall we proceed to the lightning round? No, I used to write for them, and it's fucking good enough to me.
Jesse Fernandez kind of underpaid me, to be quite honest.
Of course you used to write for E-Bombs World.
That actually makes the most sense.
Yeah.
You've never been on any websites, but you used to write
for E-bombs, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, man.
And now I,
oh, the last,
some of these,
the lightning rounds.
I don't think
they're even up.
You guys remember
Homestar Runner?
Yes!
Of course.
Those dudes are still getting money, man.
Really?
Yeah.
I used to think that was,
I thought Strong Bad was so fun.
What, what, what is it?
Come on for huggerwaggots.
I said, come on for huggerwaggots.
No crosswords, just the jumbles.
You don't know none of this?
I have no idea.
I have a crush on every boy.
Nothing?
Yeah, we love boys.
Trogdor.
Burninating the countryside.
Burninating the peasants.
I feel like I'm having an out-of-body brain aneurysm.
It feels like there's a fucking seizure happening around me.
No, I don't know what y'all are talking about.
This is Buck.
I don't even know how to explain it.
Neither one of you do. It was cartoons online, don't you what y'all are talking about. This is Buck. I don't even know how to explain it. Neither one of you do.
It was cartoons online, dog.
Yeah, it is.
No, that's wild.
Anyway, dope.
Yeah, it's Homestar Runner.
I'm glad you had one good pick.
There were little Easter eggs on all the videos.
You could click things and sometimes stuff would happen.
It was awesome.
I wish my microphone wasn't broken.
I still call people the king of town and stuff.
And independent of that, I'm people the king of town and stuff.
And like independent of that.
I'm just like.
You go in stuff.
Wait, what's happening?
What?
What's going on?
I don't know.
I feel like I'm freaking out. I just don't know what to do with that.
Oh, the microphone.
Oh, yeah.
Everybody stopped and I was like, wait, what am I doing?
He's out of sorts over here, man.
I got to get back to Denver.
We got to get this.
You got to get to decades, homeboy.
Go smash.
You gotta go to decades and smash like you were meant to do.
Oh, my God.
That's not...
You can't do inside bits outside.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Jamel, your final pick.
Honorable mentions to 23 Years Back.
Honorable mention to Big Naturals.
That got me through some tough times.
That's the later version of the boob site,
was Big Naturals.
Yeah, yeah.
But I'm taking Yahoo.
All right, yeah.
Yahoo.com.
Of course.
People still go there for some reason.
No, they don't.
Yeah, they do.
They're directed there.
And, come on, man,
it's the reason why you hate all your co-workers.
You ever heard of fantasy football? Yeah.
Yeah. Yahoo's running the fucking game.
You ever did a March Madness bracket?
Yeah. Yahoo.hidop.
Oh, yeah, we'll
get him right. Keep it going for Will Hancock,
everybody. Yeah, yeah, yeah, come on.
Yeah.
I can't stop
tugging on it.
That's why I only
had two fucking
websites.
Stop tugging on it.
I just imagine
a dad walking in
and being like
stop tugging on it.
And then just leaves
and walks out
and he's like
he's going to keep
tugging on it.
I was a Yahoo guy
for a long time.
Come on.
I stayed loyal.
And then, like, I saw Google was winning
and they were doing all sorts of other stuff.
Did you ever Bing?
No, I never Binged.
That's nasty.
Bing came later, dude.
Yeah, no, me either.
I just wanted to be in the conversation.
That's nasty.
Disgusting.
To Bing?
Oh, I Binged some restaurants.
Sounds like you took a piss on the building.
I have pissed on a building.
I've pissed on a lot of buildings.
For real.
Well, thank you, Sean.
You've never pissed on a building?
Sure, yeah.
I've pissed in a building.
Not in a toilet, either.
This is my recession.
Sean Jordan,
time for your final pick.
Fox News.
No, I'm kidding.
Thrasher.com
That's hilarious.
That's so funny.
Thrasher.com
This is your first time
back here since January 6th, right?
I come back every day.
I fly here every day from Portland
praying to God that we take it back.
No, Thrasher.
Thrasher.com.
Skateboard.
I debated between that and the other dope skateboard site,
but it's like Thrasher has been always
just the dope brand with skating.
It's like they're San Francisco, they're just ill.
They always have dope shit.
Yeah, Thrasher. It's where you get your skate videos.
Thrasher, pay me some money.
Yeah, give it to me.
One day Gwyneth Paltrow decided that the movies
weren't for her and she started a lifestyle brand.
Well, she started
an email chain with her friends
because her taste was so good,
right? They were like, Gwyneth, where should I go in
Tuscany? Gwyneth, what's the best restaurant
in Baltimore? Probably not that one.
Gwyneth Paltrow has definitely
been to Hip Hop Chicken and Fish.
She's definitely been to
Hip Hop Chicken and Fish, actually.
For sure.
Excuse me, is this Hip Hop Chicken and Fish?
I've been dying to eat here.
And then that email became a website called goop.com,
and that's my final pick.
Goop.
Goop fucking rules.
If you're sitting out there in judgment of me,
go to Goop.
Planning a trip to Napa Valley?
Go to Goop.
It'll tell you all the sweet hotels,
fun little clothing stores. You want to buy a ceramic bowl somewhere? Goop's got the fucking hookup Valley, go to Goop. It'll tell you all the sweet hotels, fun little clothing stores. You want to buy a ceramic
bowl somewhere? Goop's got the fucking
hookup. You go to Goop.
I'm a Goop guy.
What the fuck is a Gwyneth Paltrow?
I didn't know.
Wait. I didn't think you was going to go that far back.
No, no.
That's why David picked Bang Bus.
He's a Goop guy, too.
That's why David picked Bang Bus.
He's a goop guy, too.
I will not stop tugging on it.
Stop tugging on it.
Now, that's my final pick.
Just to recap really quick.
Let's not.
I'd rather we didn't. I'm going to...
Before they saw the picks...
I have to bring up a special guest right now.
Give it up for AFE Mel Kiper, everybody.
He's at the house.
Get up here.
Where you at?
Get up here.
Oh, my God.
You want to talk about who else?
This motherfucker was at Recessions buying drinks last night.
Wowzers. You are getting it. Clean. motherfucker was at recessions buying drinks last night. Lousers.
You are getting it.
Clean.
Now, AFV, welcome to the stage.
Thank you.
Yeah.
We're going to recap the draft,
and then you're going to give your immediate analysis.
So I'm going to let you recap, if you wouldn't mind.
Yeah.
We had David first with the...
Right into that mic.
Right in that microphone.
The NikeID.com website. if you wouldn't mind. We had David first. Right into that mic. Right into that microphone.
The NikeID.com website.
Bang Bros, Overstock,
E-Bombs World,
and Homestar Runner.
Yeah.
Homestar Runner really,
really brought up your grade.
For sure.
D plus.
You still make it to the next grade
with a D+.
Yeah.
I'll tell you what, you're still an eighth grader after that.
It's all right.
All right, Jamel, Wikipedia, DatPiff, WorldStar, eBay, and Yahoo.
And let me be very clear here, I had never heard of DatPiff.
Hey, listen, man.
Neither had I. So, you know, listen, man. Neither had.
Yeah.
So, you know, the rule of thumb is if I don't know it, I'm not going to punish you for that.
You get that.
Nice.
So.
So really an A minus there.
All right.
I'm going to fuck on.
You better hit me with that A plus.
This might be a little bit much.
The Bing slander hurts you because...
All right, that's fair.
I got you.
Because while Bing sucks as a search engine
for almost everything,
it is the top porn search engine out there.
Stop it.
Are you serious?
This is not a joke.
I do not search porn.
You knew that.
Somebody in the back of the room was like,
not porn.
Somebody else knows.
Bing Crosby kids in the background.
Yeah, the Bing slander is not going to stand on my watch.
Fair enough, man.
I'm learning.
Every day is a day to learn.
Sean, you've got Google, Google Video, I mean YouTube.
You got me.
IMDB, Xvideos, and Thrasher.
Solid Xvideos is definitely not the worst.
It's the best.
Any porn site that defaults to a bright white background and not a black background is not what I'm going to be watching.
I want to know what I'm doing is bad.
I do not want the light of day
showing me what is happening here.
Don't you give me a bad grade.
You still got a B plus.
I am, I am...
He loves it. It's gas in that tank when you boo him.
I am not happy with you.
That's fine. I'm okay with that.
Ian, you went last.
We had Pornhub, ESPN, The Onion, Reddit, and Goop.
Listen, anybody out there on Twitter,
you know that fifth round is when you throw something
against the wall.
And if you're gonna do it, you know, make it goop. Like, I get that.
Clean it afterwards, but, but, okay.
Sniper, sniper.
Nah, he came in hot today.
Sniper.
Sniper.
David said AF-
That'll be my spooky Halloween name.
Yeah, AF email sniper. Yeah, that's an A, that's an A. Yes! David said AFE. Halloween Amy. AFE Mel Sniper.
That's an A.
Yes!
I thought I had that one.
Thank you, Mel.
Hell yeah.
Yes!
Yes! Yes!
Oh my god, Will, get back up here.
No, we're good.
Okay.
Ian Carmel, clear winner of the draft.
Did you just call yourself Ian Carmel?
Ian Carmel, clear winner of the All Fair
of the Year of the Draft.
Yeah, I hear that, it goes Ian Carmel.
That's your name, playboy, now.
Now, we're gonna do a special mini draft right now.
We're gonna do a special mini draft. Oh. We're going to do a special mini draft.
Marissa.
No, Marissa, she couldn't make it.
She's trapped at the Bolivian consulate.
I won't get into it.
I won't get into it.
What did we walk by the other day that was Bolivia adjacent?
Oh, the statue of Shimon Bolivar.
Yeah.
Bolivia adjacent.
Wait, were you lying to me? Is that not the actual name? No, it's his name. I just pronounced Shimon likeivar. Yeah. Bolivia adjacent. Wait, were you lying to me?
Is that not the actual name?
No, it's his name.
I just pronounced Shimon like it's Hebrew.
Simon Bolivar.
I'm over here like, yeah, totally.
We both know the name for real.
And that's why we walked by.
We're doing a special mini draft of people who are...
What is your podcast?
Dope that we're stoked on or dank?
It's a special draft of people who are dank that we're stoked on.
And we're going to invite someone from the crowd to make the first pick in that draft.
Brody Duncan, come on up.
Come on up.
Which, by the way, Brody Duncan, you sound like a professional athlete.
Sick fucking name.
Hi, I'm Brody.
My pick for the person who's dank and I'm stoked on, is my girlfriend Maddie.
Maddie Williams.
Wise choice.
Bring her up! She's just the best.
Sorry, she's the best person in this room.
There's no one...
I love her so much.
It's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
So thank you for these guys
for letting me come up here and do this.
But if you don't mind,
I got a question to ask her real quick.
Will you marry me?
Thank you.
I'm so happy!
Hello!
Oh, thank you.
I promise, my lucky pair of underwear.
I don't even know what hand it goes on. You're good.
For me!
Did you even get to ask?
I didn't hear the words come out.
Yes! All right, all right.
That was amazing.
On the count of three.
One, two, three.
Mazel Tov!
And now, returning to the stage,
AFE Mel Kiper.
Are you guys going to register at Nike ID?
No.
gonna register at Nike ID?
That has been our draft.
Congratulations.
That's so beautiful.
Being married fucking rules.
It's awesome.
Yeah, we knew yesterday.
We knew before you did.
I didn't know.
I'll tell you that.
I didn't know shit.
Those have been our picks.
I'm sorry, guys.
No, I didn't say I just told you.
Fuck yeah.
I didn't fucking know.
Those have been our picks.
We want to hear yours.
Hit us up at All Fantasy Pod on Twitter,
allfantasypodcasts at gmail.com.
Oh!
That's a website!
That's a website!
I didn't even think about that.
Shout-out to everyone on the AFE Patreon. Shout-out to everyone on the AFE Shaslackity.
Shout-out to everyone on the AFE subreddit.
My pick, my pick.
Shout-out to super producer Mars on the onesE subreddit. My pick. My pick. Shout-out to super producer
Mars on the ones and twos.
Shout-out to
St. Sue Carmel.
Shout-out to Frankie Ocean.
Shout-out to Sid the Dude. Shout-out to
Haji Beats. And more important than all of that,
tune in again next week to another
brand new episode of All
Fantasy Everything.
Nike ID is actually pretty good.
No!
Schicklackity! that was a hate gun podcast