And That's Why We Drink - E411 A Chef Boyardee Vape Situation and a Sheepless Shephard

Episode Date: December 22, 2024

What’s the 411? Episode 411 that is! This week Em is bringing the Christmas creepiness with the tale of Hans Trapp. If you thought Krampus was scary, wait until you hear about this French Christmas character! Then Christine brings us to Cedar Rapids, Iowa for the not so cold case of Michelle Martinko. And who else agrees A Christmas Carol would be much better with Tiny Tim Soprano? …and that’s why we drink! The Pour Decisions Tour is going back on the road this Spring! Like a Lady in White, we’ll be popping up everywhere - from Seattle to Boston. Grab your tickets today at https://www.andthatswhywedrink.com/live ! For ways to order our new book: A Haunted Road Atlas: Next Stop visit https://bit.ly/hranextstop ______________________ Save on the perfect gift by visiting http://auraframes.com to get $35-off Aura’s best-selling CarverMat frames by using promo code DRINK at checkout. Enjoy the holidays while keeping your financial goals on track with Chime. Open your account in 2 minutes at http://chime.com/DRINK . Chime. Feels like progress. Banking services and debit card provided by The Bancorp Bank, N.A. or StrideBank, N.A.; Members FDIC. SpotMe eligibility requirements and overdraft limits apply. Direct deposit timing depends on submission of payment file. Boosts are available to eligible Chime members enrolled in SpotMe® and are subject to monthly limits. Fees apply at out-of-network ATMs and for OTC withdrawals. DraftKings is offering a warm welcome to new players with $100 INSTANTLY IN CASINO CREDITS with just a $10 wager. Plus, EVERYONE can get in on the action with a holiday reward every week! So, sign up with code ATWWD because the holiday cheer is here! Only on DraftKings Casino. Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER. In Connecticut, help is available for problem gambling call 888-789-7777 or visit CCPG.org. Please play responsibly. 21+. Physically present in Connecticut, Michigan, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, West Virginia only. Void in Ontario. Eligibility restrictions apply. New customers only. Opt-in required. Casino Credits are non-withdrawable and expire in 168 hours. Terms at http://casino.draftkings.com/promos . SimpliSafe is extending its massive Black Friday deal for our listeners. This week only, you can get 50% off any new system with a select professional monitoring plan. This is your last chance to claim their best offer of the year! Head to http://simplisafe.com/drink. There’s no safe like SimpliSafe® Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to http://rocketmoney.com/drink today. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, Em, have you ever had sleep paralysis on your Helix mattress? No, because it's so cozy. But I will tell you what I have had on my Helix mattress, and that is a good effing nap. Yeah, it is a good nap bed. I never thought I was a nap person, but that's the only bed that I can actually take naps on. It's very comfortable.

There's truly nothing that made me more excited. I mean, I have talked on the show about getting that bed frame, but I mean, no such thing as a nice bed frame without a nice mattress to pair with. That's right. It needs its own throne to sit upon. Yes. The first nap in this place. Oh man, game changer. And that was all because of Hillock's sleep. I love that thing. And I had it before, I never said this a million times, but I had it before we ever actually even had them as a sponsor. So it was like extra exciting. I was like, I have so much to say, thank you for coming aboard because I've already experienced this for several years and I love it.

So anyway, we're obviously big fans of Helix. We can't promise there will be no sleep paralysis, but you know, worth a shot. Go to helixsleep.com slash drink for 25% off site wide plus two free dream pillows with any mattress purchase. That's helixsleep.com slash drink. This Christmas, or should I say, nouvelle, give the gift that truly keeps on giving, and that is a lifetime membership to Rosetta Stone. Yes, lifetime membership. Rosetta Stone is the most trusted language learning program available on desktop or as an app, and it truly immerses you in the language you want to learn. So I've been practicing my French, and I really, really love the app.

Leona was sitting next to me, and every time I would pronounce something, it would tell me how well I pronounced it. Not just like ding, you got it right. But it was like a kind of a circle where it would tell you how close you are to the actual pronunciation. And I thought that was so cool because that's something I'm really insecure about when I speak languages is getting the pronunciation right. So I love Rosetta Stone.

I've been really into it, trying to get everything up to snuff. Do you need a gift idea or a last minute gift? Give your family and friends the gift of language, 50% off all 25 languages for a lifetime and no shipping fees. Give the gift that keeps on giving. Don't put off learning that language. There's no better time than right now to get started today. And that's why we drink listeners can get Rosetta Stone's lifetime

membership for 50% off. Visit www.rosettastone.com slash drink. That's 50% off unlimited access to 25 language courses for the rest of your life. Redeem your 50% off at www.rosettastone.com slash drink today for yourself or as a gift that keeps giving. I think it's okay. I think we can all use our imaginations.

Well, I drink because I thought ahead and before we recorded, I got me a little smoothie and by a little, I mean two big ones. Yes, where were we sourcing these? The TSC? Yeah, so I always call it Trosmo, but in- Trosmo! In Fredericksburg, my hometown smoothie place

was Tropical Smoothie Cafe. Yeah, well, I didn't know that existed until- Really? I met you and Eva, and apparently there was one in five minutes from my house, Door Dash, and you guys said, let's get Tropical Smoothie Cafe, and I said, what the hell is that? Also, nobody says the cafe part is Tropical Smoothie. Just saying that. Well the hell is that? Also, nobody says the cafe part, it's Tropical Smoothie, just saying.

Well, obviously this is all very new to me. I know, for the normies when they hear you, so you can fit in. Oh, understood, okay. Well, when I was in high school, my first date ever was to a smoothie king. So that was more our speed, I think. But I do, yeah, I can appreciate a Trosmo,

what is it? Trosmo. It's a tropical smoothie, but I say Trosmo just to be an asshole. Okay. Alison's go-to, I think, was an orange Julius. Never grew up with those. That sounds delicious.

And it does feel very Alison, and it does feel very South Carolina. But no, I've always been a loyalist for tropical smoothie. To this day, even in LA, like the queen of smoothies, I have not found a smoothie I like as much as a tropical smoothie. I don't know, you did order that $78 Airwands, like hemp thing.

That was for Basic Bitch Day. That was like for an event. That was a special occasion. But on my every day, especially in college, I lived above a tropical smoothie. And... Until they evicted you for squatting. Well, for graduating actually, but they... Same difference. I was evicted you for squatting. Well, for graduating actually, but they-

Same difference. I was evicted. You showed back up and they were like, you're out of here, please. You've already moved on. Anyway, if you go to CNU, the Tropical Smoothie on campus, I lived right above that. We can all pay homage to Ems. We can do a pilgrimage. Yeah.

And I would go downstairs. I finally figured out what a pilgrim is. Do you know what a pilgrimage. Yeah, and I would go downstairs. I finally figured out what a pilgrim is. Do you know what a pilgrimage is? Well, no, but I assume they're related somehow. Certainly in sound, yeah. So anyway, I'm very excited. I got two of them and get this,

despite living above one, despite going to Tropical Smoothie, it feels like every week since I was 14, this week I finally figured out what my smoothie is. Now that I live on the other side of the country away from them. Wait, wait, so you never had one there that you were like, that's it, that's my go-to? I would always try to find the perfect one. Wow, because with every other place you order from them, you have like a go-to right away.

So I'm really surprised. So you finally found it after all these many years, your white whale. What is it? I finally got her, except she's my blue whale because this is the blueberry bliss. Oh, interesting. And it's usually just blueberry, strawberries, bananas. Of course you had to change it, of course you did. Of course, are you kidding me?

So I subbed out the banana for mango, so now it's blueberry, strawberry, mango, add extra strawberries. Okay. And it didn't seem to change anything, but in one of them I added kiwi. That was also lovely. Oh, because you have multiple. So that's good. Double strawberries, blueberry, mango, kiwi. That sounds good. I would prefer the banana too, because I feel like it makes sense smoothie have a nice consistency. But if that's not your jam, I think strawberry and blueberry and mango,

that's a good combo. I think the mangoes are frozen, so they kind of have banana consistency. Oh, okay, that works, yeah. This one finally, I always have something to complain about with a smoothie, and this is the first one I don't have anything to complain about. I'm really, I think we're all,

I think we can pack up and go home. Okay, that's why I drink, why do you drink? I'm so happy for you I'm still here with my empty bottle of wine and my empty bottle of body armor and I've not replenished any of my beverages I also found this this is a container of wood glue. So I have that. Oh, what do you do with that? I think I was trying to repair my my bird statue And I think it worked Yeah, I worked. It's beautiful. Thank you. Wait, that's not a bird. Hang on. Oh, no member. It's a morning dove. It goes. Oh That's right. So why do I drink I have so many reasons that like let me count the ways I

Will say there's some elevated ghosty stuff happening in the house. I know it's been a while. Christine Schieffer, you tell me right now. It's been a while. So I've been on a journey as always. Well, actually, first of all, my new thing, I have a new hobby and it's-

Oh for God fucking, okay, let me scratch the other one off the list. That's more important and it's about embroidery and I'm having such a good time and I bought a lot of supplies. Will you take a day to appreciate the last hobby? No! And then of course I decided yesterday I should hand make everyone's Christmas gifts like with what fucking time and energy and livelihood I don't have five minutes to my name and

I'm like I'm gonna hand make everyone a stocking like I'm out of my mind. It's part of the illness my friends. It's an illness you're right it's of my mind. It's part of the illness my friends. It's an illness, you're right. It's a fucking illness. It's called ADHD. It is quite an illness for the ages. It's called a Jared Kushner obsession that apparently just like really skewed my brain from any other.

That is a side effect of the ADHD. Productive hobby, yeah. It's just my brain goes in all the wrong directions. But yeah, so I decided to start embroidering, but also, you know, I'm still cricketing and cross stitching and needle pointing. And oh, I also thought maybe I should buy some of those silicone mats where you can do kind of like

stamp, like where you draw a picture and then you stamp it on paper. And then anyway, anyway, I'm gonna rewind all that because that's really not relevant right now. But I drink because I'm a little all that because that's really not relevant right now. But I drink because there's more ghosty stuff happening. I feel like that's probably more what people are here to talk about. And I am realizing that because I am doing so much

of my own little soul venturing in that my friend Nicole, we were on her podcast a little while back my own little soul venturing in that my friend Nicole, we were on her podcast a little while back and she and I met up and like spent hours talking and she's a psychic medium and she helped me talk through a lot of stuff and a lot of weird dreams I've been having. And ever since then, I'm like, man, I just keep hearing more stuff and seeing more stuff.

And it's like, things just seem more- Like voices? Yeah, or not even voices like outwardly, just like kind of in my head. Like I can almost feel like- Fuck. I know, or like I see things out of the corner of my eye a lot more often now.

And it's gotten to the point where the other night I actually had Blaze, for the first time, I think, in this house, get up and get the baseball bat. From under the bed. Oh shit, what were you hearing? Just somebody walking up and down the stairs. And I was like, there is somebody on the stairs, which I don't know if anyone recalls,

but when I moved in here, the first time I went to LA to visit you during COVID, or like, you know, during one of the breaks where we thought we were all safe, and I flew over for a visit, and Blaze called me like hysterical basically in the middle of the night and said, there's someone in the house. Well, anyway, this is what happened the other night and I'm laying there and I swear to God,

and I'm like, please, I'm gonna lift my head. Please tell me that one of the cats is not in here. Of course, all three of them are in the bed and Moonshine is up with his like hackles raised. And he's like, I was like, this is not happening right now. So I was thoroughly convinced there was an actual person. Like I went through the doorbell cameras.

I was trying to figure out somebody got in. So I sent Blaze out. Was Blaze by the way, when you were hearing the sounds, was he saying, this is just what I hear all the fucking time? No, he was just out of, he was like middle of the night. So he was dead asleep. So he didn't hear it. So I woke him up to go look and then there was nothing there.

And then of course, like while he was still awake, I heard nothing. And then, you know, half an hour later, I'm trying to fall asleep and I'm like, there it is again. And so I don't know, maybe it was like, oh, I live in an old ass house and it's getting cold. You know, all the usual like haunted house stuff, you tell yourself like, oh, well, it's just, you know,

but I'm telling you, man, I don't know. There's something a little more lively in this house the last few months. And no more printer action, but I did unplug it. So that could be part of that. No more things have, as far as I know, gone missing, but my house is such a mess that I probably wouldn't notice if they did. The fact that you don't have a security cam

in every room at this point with sound at all times. And like, I would, the way that I would have care of- Do you think I should make like a nerve center? Yes. Monitor them? Your studio, yes. Oh, okay. I was like, where would I even, that's the problem.

It's like, since I live here, I'm like, what would I even be looking at? Like, I guess I could sit up here and- How about you just have a live wire always sent over to me and I'll just be your nervous center. Oh, you can just feed, I'll just feed it to you. Okay. And I'll just text you in the middle of the night

and go, not to freak you out, but Leona's head spun around. Yeah. I've got it handled, go back to bed. The chairs are stacking themselves, wake up. Yeah, don't worry. I'll tell them to put them back by morning. Yeah.

So, you know, it's just a weird time. And I think- Do you feel anything like you're being watched more or is it just paranoia maybe? It's not like I feel like I'm being watched honestly and it never feels negative. So that's good. I've been very intentional about being like,

this is my space, don't come near me, you know, in my own circle, not like in a fearful way, but just in a very like boundary setting way. So I feel fine. Like I'm not worried Leona hasn't seen anything or said anything weird. She hasn't spoken backwards yet? Well, you know what, maybe she has

because sometimes she makes a lot of sounds and we're like, what are you even saying? And maybe if we played it backwards, we'd finally find the meaning of life. But I talked to Nicole and Nicole went to Leona's birthday party and she, oh, by the way, Nicole's podcast is called A Psychic Story. And it's so good because I've like binged the whole thing.

Every week she interviews like a different psychic medium or healer or someone in the space and they talk. And she's lovely. And she's lovely, yes. And the show itself is great too, because you can hear different people's processes and how it works in their own brain. So you hear dozens of different psychic mediums

talk about their own method and what it's like for them. And so it's really a helpful tool. But anyway, so she came to Leona's birthday party and when we met up a few weeks later, she was like, oh, Leona is a character. And I was like, I know, but I'm always surprised she doesn't like say anything about, you know, like, I mean, and I don't provoke her or anything,

but she never really seems to like have an interest in, you know, whatever, anything kind of metaphysical. And then she goes, oh, the way I see it for her is that she has almost blinders on right now, like a horse where it's like, let's just like go forward. And she's like, but don't worry, they'll come down within the next couple of years and she'll start talking.

And I was like, ah, so I don't know, we'll see what happens. But- It makes sense that she would need blinders on just to literally physically grow. Just to go through, right? That's what I thought too. I was like, that actually makes so much sense. We probably all have that, you know?

Cause you're like, I just need to get through life right now. Well, I think she's also brand new to earth. So I think she's probably just got to dip her toe in. Just got to figure this shit out. She's climbing wobbly mountain. She doesn't have time for all this other nonsense. If I take my blinders off, I'm gonna start thinking about those other lives that are behind me. Oh man, I'm gonna miss my other nonsense. If I take my blinders off, I'm gonna start thinking about those other lives that are behind me.

Oh man, I'm gonna miss my other mommy. Yeah, exactly. You don't want that. I don't want that. Anyway, so that's why I drink, but I still don't have a beverage aside for my wood glue, so I think I'm just gonna be- Huffing?

Raw dogging it. Sorry, I hate when people say that more than anything in the world, and then it becomes an intrusive thought, and I can't stop dog in it. Sorry, I hate when people say that more than anything in the world. And then it becomes an intrusive thought and I can't stop from saying it. One of Christine's favorite things to do. Is literally bully me out of saying a phrase and then she starts saying it. Immediately. There was there's literally a scene in our live show where M says something to a ghost and I get really upset.

I'm like, how could you say that? And then literally five minutes later, I just start repeating the exact same thing. Well, like God forbid I ever get upset with you to say, no, no, no, no, no. I can't believe you don't. Most people do. You're the only one I think who gives me the leeway.

Whereas everyone else would go, why the fuck would you tell me not to say that? And honestly, I think that you let me do it. And so I just can't stop myself because I know that you let me do it. And so I just can't stop myself because I know you'll let me. I just know you're not gonna change your ways at this point. So it's not worth the energy to complain about it. So- When I heard myself just repeating,

I was like, how could you say that, Em? And I'm like holding my wine glass in the video clip. And then five minutes later, I'm like, hey, guess what? I'm gonna say the exact same thing and see what happens. Even with Raw Dog, you hated Raw dog and now look who's saying it. It's like it just starts to worm its way into my head. Vomitus? I created vomitus, let's be clear.

And you hated it? Nice. I'm telling you. No, I think that one immediately struck a chord with me where I said that word has been missing from my vocabulary. Oh, interesting. Vomitus was like an immediate one hit wonder. Like I was delighted about that. I think. Thank you. Every now and then I've got one of those.

Yeah, the rest were just ones that I've unfortunately twisted and warped in my own mind as like a coping mechanism, I think. I just spit them back out at you just to maybe make you suffer along with me. I don't know why I do it. Doesn't work. I just,, I just. It doesn't work. I just think, okay, you're on board now. It doesn't work. She thinks it's funny. I can stop gonna yell that now. We can stay raw dog in it again. Well, I'm sorry you're raw dog in it.

Although you do have that vape stick, I'm sure. Cause you would know where without it. As I lift all my blankets looking for it. Cause it rolled away. What do you mean? I feel like you and that vape stick have like a chef boyardee relationship where it's just gonna roll down the hill into your house

if you ever lose weight, do you know what it did this exact one not this one because This is a new one at the Shania Twain concert with you and Eva Eva's engagement this exact brand rolled from our seats down the entire auditorium and Eva's friend had to go, Ellen had to go, I think it was Ellen, had to go on the floor and start just like digging for it under all the like nasty spilled like sugary cocktails. And it rolled all the way to the bottom.

And guess how nice I am. I gave it to Eva afterwards because she said she really liked it. During the show, I was like letting everybody try it. And Eva said she really liked it. So after the show I was like, here, I got this for you. She's like, is this the one that rolled through everybody's beverages to the bottom of the stage at the Shania Twain concert on like a Wednesday?

And I said, yes. And she said, thank you so much, Christine. And I said, you're welcome. You know, Ellen, Ellen was probably like, I would have just bought Eva another one. Honestly, Ellen was probably like, I also have just bought Eva another one. Honestly, Ellen was probably like, I also have a two-year-old at home. So this is really familiar for me to crawl around on a sticky floor. So gross.

And that I become the toddler. When I'm away from my toddler, I become the toddler. So anyway, it is a chef boyardee situation. I've said this before, Christine and Leona are the same person on FaceTime because they will both drop the phone. They will both just walk away. They'll both forget that they were talking to me.

They'll both start drinking beverages and spill them into the camera. Yeah, turn the phone off. At one point we were calling Leona on FaceTime and I was like, Christine, it's like watching yourself face. It's crazy. I was amazed because I had never thought of it. You and I were in the parking lot or somewhere

and we FaceTimed Leona and I was amazed, because I had never thought of it. You and I were in the parking lot or somewhere, and we FaceTimed Leona, and I was watching her going, Oh, Em, get a load of this girl. And Em was like, this is you. Like, you don't see it? This is every work call. This is literally, I know, right? Em's like, I have a meeting with you

at least three times a week like this. Leona literally looks at the camera, and she's like kind of staring at it really way too close so we can see all the crusty like things on her face, because she's a boxcar child and she goes, I need to set the phone down because I have to do some hula hooping. And we were like, okay.

And she set the phone down and like, which is not a hula hoop, this like hoop she has and just puts it around her shoulders and starts doing this and it doesn't even like fit. And I was like, she does feel like what I do on a FaceTime. I remember when she said, look what I do on a FaceTime Everyone she said look at my pants and then just shows her pants and I never saw her face again I've been and then she just dropped the phone and said I have to go and we were like well now We're just looking at the floor. Well last time she you she put me on the floor and went funk climb

You're on the floor by and then just Really picked it up and was like Hi, blaze you can hang up the phone now. Hi. Yeah, he's like, I don't know, I lost her, she's somewhere. Um... Anyway, I love that little baby. Oh, I love that little baby.

I miss my baby. You tell her hi, she'll know what it means. I don't know. I don't know. Okay, I will. By the way, you've had enough time now that I can yell at you. Okay. You can can yell at you, okay You can always yell at me. You know what today is episode 411. Uh-huh, and you know

What the 411 is what's the 411 that this is our Christmas episode? Look I'm frostiest snowman with a corncob pipe. Hey, chauve-oi, chauve-oi. This is like, as the holidays progress, I just slowly start losing it. In my sanity. You just start morphing into a snowman. Right, my grasp on reality, I become Tim Allen or Jude Law or whoever was in that movie.

You just become like the heat miser or whatever. Was it one of them was snowman at one point or was that also? Tim Allen was certainly Santa in at least 10 movies. What's the difference between Woody Allen and Tim Allen hold on one of them married their stepdaughter oh that's a problem isn't it yeah wait not Woody Allen no sorry scratch that allegedly no it's not it's not even Woody Allen is Woody Allen right now I'm like overthinking it Woody Allen Allen. He's a tenant bomb guy. Stepdaughter. Yep, okay, I was right.

Okay. For a second I was thinking of the guy from Hunger Games. Did you know one time I had a nightmare? Wait, who? That guy, Josh Hutcherson? No, the guy who played their mentor. Oh, him. His name's also Woody Allen, I think, though.

Are you serious? You're not serious. No, but it's Woody Guthrie. No, it's Woody Harrelson. Woody Harrelson. I always mix them up, and I'm always nervous that I'm accusing the wrong person of something. It's Woody Von Andie from Toy Story. What the fuck? You're fucking not on this planet Earth anymore, Kristen.

You took too big of a hit of that. I wish I did. I wish I had taken any of a hit, except I'm too scared to do it on a camera, because I feel like maybe we'll get in trouble, I don't know. Tim Allen is home improvement, and he played Santa like 20,000 times. He's such a piece of shit. I one time had a dream that I was on the Tim Allen show,

and everyone always says home improvement, and I go, no, no, no. The dream was about a show called the Tim Allen show, and I walked out on the stage, and you know when you can't walk, because you're like in a dream, and I was trying to show called the Tim Allen Show. And I walked out onto stage, and you know when you can't walk because you're like in a dream, and I was trying to walk on stage and then he said, now everybody let's laugh at her.

And the whole audience laughed at me. I was like 11 when I had this dream. And to this day, I like think about it every time I think about home improvement. Because for years I would say, I had this dream about the Tim Allen show and everyone said, oh, home improvement. I said, how many fucking times do I have to tell you

it wasn't home improvement? Now that's comedy gold. Now that's comedy gold. It wasn't funny. It was very sad. Funniest thing I've ever heard in my life. Oh no. And you know what?

What a manifestation or a prediction because no one knew he was shit yet. Foreshadowing, I know, right? And he was such a dick in my 11 year old subconscious I knew he was a dick. Let's laugh at her. Oh, you know who he was? This is my favorite scene from Home Improvement

was he was Buzz Lightyear. And my favorite scene from Home Improvement is when it's him and his son, I think Randy, who voiced Simba. And they're debating over who's the better Disney character, Buzz or Simba. Yeah, you did tell me about that. I thought that was pretty clever.

Like a little Easter egg. Yeah. Where were we? Wow. Oh, because it's Christmas time. Oh. Sorry. Finally, she muted herself.

I said off the planet. Anyway, since it's Christmas, I was going to offer you to do one final of the year MGM Lion sing-along moment. Christmas time is here. here oh so far so far oh so far so far so far so far so far so far so far Music everywhere. Ah, sa-fwa, sa-fwa, sa-fwa, sa-fwa, sa-fwa, sa-fwa, sa-fwa. This is where I tricked you and that was your application for the institution. Did I make it? Did I make the cut? My application for the institution. It sounds like some X-Men thing,

but it's just really, I'm going away for a while to get better, to get medicated. Away to the fresh air where there's. I need to go to Waverly Hills for a while and get some, sit on a chair and like view some mountains. I'm not saying anything bad's gonna happen to you. I am saying electroshock therapy is available there. You know what? I think it's about time we finally opened up the floor for that as an option. Yeah. Merry Christmas, mom. I'm getting you another frame with only my face in it so you can keep

FaceTiming that instead of me. From big events to the silly moments you capture every day, doesn't it sometimes feel like all your favorite photos are just stuck on your camera roll? Well, never to fear, Mom, because now with the Aura Frame, you don't have to worry about that anymore. Name the number one digital photo frame by Wirecutter. Aura makes it effortless to upload unlimited photos and videos directly from your phone,

so your favorite memories are always within view. Plus, you can personalize and preload an Aura Frame for a truly special, unforgettable gift. I mean, I gave my in-laws one and put a bunch of photos of Leona on it. And then all of Blaze's family had the audacity to add themselves into the frame. I thought, what, is this not supposed to be about me

and my family and my daughter? But no, it is actually really fun to go over there and like see our photos and everyone's photos scrolling past. So it's a cool invention. I really would actually be so mad if anyone else touches the frame full of me pictures that I gave my mom. I'm going to access your mom's and I'm going to start uploading photos of me and Leona.

Well it is pretty easy to set up. It takes only two minutes to set up a frame using the Aura app and you get free unlimited storage. There are absolutely no hidden fees or subscriptions. Save on the perfect gift by visiting auraframes.com to get $35 off Aura's best selling Carver Matte frames by using promo code DRINK at checkout. That's A-U-R-A frames.com promo code DRINK. This deal is exclusive to listeners, so get yours now and time for the holidays.

Terms and conditions apply. Well, very Christmas everybody. And because of that, we have a Christmas story for you. It's your application to the institution. You know how people make like home tapes for Survivor? That was like my home tape for the institution. That was your audition reel for a sanatorium. Remember how you found a porno on your orange cassette tape

about the Rugrats all grown up? I feel like I need to put- That was said in confidence! No. No, it was not. It was said- In confidence, I mean, to all of our Patreon people. No, you said that in the intro, I thought.

Oh, oh shit, no, you're right. I'm sorry, you're right. Oh fuck, that was Patreon. I'm sorry. That is a spoiler for patrons only and that's private information, everyone. So you better, if you heard that, you have to become a patron now, it's the law.

Cause you heard a secret thing. Yeah, so I'm gonna put that on an orange VHS tape and hide it somewhere. Thank you. Good luck. I hope you make it. It's the institution. Maybe they'll give me a scholarship.

I think you will be going for free, because I'm paying for it. A merit-based scholarship. Oh, thank you. It's the least I can do. It's also the last I could do. It's also the last I could do. Also the last frontier. Also sidebar, Jack, please, I'm so sorry.

Please mute every single time I'm blowing my nose, obviously. I would hope that that's a given, but yes, thank you, Jack. Cause sometimes we do inquire about really strange sounds. Just please cut to Christine's face every time. It's so disgusting. I'm so sorry. Okay. Here is your Christmas story. And maybe you can fill me in on this if you know about it. Oh gosh. Okay. It is. It's

more French than German, but his name is Hans Trap. So you tell me if I'm supposed to believe that's French. Like the Von Traps? Yes, sound-wise. But no, but not them. Not the Von Traps. Then no, but Hans is absolutely a German name. Would you have been able to teach me about the Von Traps? No, because I was very actively forbidden from watching the sound of music.

Okay. Well, here's the story of Hans Trapp, who is a Christmas character. Oh. He has a few other names. I think Hans Trott is one of them. Hans Nickel is one of them. Rubles.

Oh. It's apparently one of them. But Hans Trapp was the main name. Okay. Here is a poem about him. Look, there's Hans Trapp. He's got a nice pointed hood and a beard as white as a white horse.

That's good job, Leona. Wow. It says white as a white horse. Wow, that's really good. Imagine if it was, it says white as a blue horse. Wow. Now that actually means something, I think. That must be a metaphor.

He comes from the starry sky. He brings a rod to the children who neither sing nor pray. He brings a rod to the children who neither sing nor pray. He brings a rod. Oh, oh my God. Doesn't it sound German now? Well, yeah, surely does. Look, Hans Trapp, we are so small.

We are wise and we follow the house. You don't need to come with your rod for we know how to sing and pray. Jesus, why, like why,, it's sick that they do, that they have so many characters that I haven't even heard a half of them. Yeah, there's just- Just here to punish children.

Too many children fairy tale creatures who are there to beat you if you're bad. Like, they all have weapons. Sure do. Like, why? Yeah. Oh, that was the end of the poem. Great. No, honestly, good work.

Sorry we didn't clap. We thought it was still going. I mean, I could probably just whip out another verse right now. It would be about beating children if you'd like me to say that out loud. Throw like a different colored horse in there and I'd believe you. Yeah, the green horse is angry because you didn't sing or pray. But it's still green, just like his hat out loud like a different colored horse in there and I'd believe you Yeah, the green horse is angry because you didn't sing or pray, but it's still green just like his hat Just like his very white hat

So, okay. He is popular in French regions of is it all sace all sauce all sauce How do you say it? I think it's all sauce all sauce. All right, the all sauce reason region. I Know I should have looked it up. It's bolded because I was supposed to look it up. Sometimes I know how my mom says it, but that doesn't necessarily mean that's a thing that like how everybody else says it. Right. Half-azardly.

Exactly. Exactly. I would say Alsos is how I would say it. Okay. Well, he's popular in that region. If somebody who's an avid listener, if you could please comment below for us on whether or not I've covered Per Foutard,

can you let me know because if not, he'll be my Christmas story next year. But I swear I wrote about him. I looked, or I talked about him. I looked it up in our episode list and I couldn't find him. I've never heard of that, so I don't think you have. Okay, great. Well then now we know what's gonna happen in 2025. Great. I mean, I couldn't find them. I've never heard of that, so I don't think you have. Okay, great. Well then, now we know what's going to happen in 2025.

Great. I mean, I don't have any clue because those words mean nothing to me. It sounds like a blast. Is Alsace where Strasbourg is? I can't even say it. How would I know that? Okay. Is it the German region of France? Okay, okay. Because that's where like Strasbourg is and it's like very cool because you go to, it's a French town, but then everything looks very German.

It's like a very trippy thing because people will speak both French and German and it's like, where am I? Oh my God, that's like Quebec. Yeah, yes, and similar vibes I think. Or Montreal, or I guess Quebec too. So yes, it's popular in, the story of Hans Trapp is popular in Alsace. Alsace? Sauce or sass? See that's what I'm saying. I think it's,

I think I would say Alsace, but I don't know if like in English you say it. You know, I don't know. Okay, in that area of French, in France. Oh my god, my god, save me. He's popular in that region. And Père Foutard is also popular in that area, who I will cover next year. Great. I can't believe you would remember that. I know you will, which is the craziest part. Someone will DM me. Please DM me. Remind me in a year. Okay. Hans Trapp is loosely based on an actual person, fun fact, but it's not like Santa Claus and St. Nicholas or whatever. It's a random German knight and he's loosely, loosely, loosely based off this guy. I guess Santa's also loosely, loosely based off of anyone.

But there's a German knight from the fourteen hundreds. His name is Hans von Trotha, and he had two castles. But by the way, I'm totally bastardizing this story. It's very long. I looked up the history of it. It would have bored everybody to tears unless you're weirdly into this region of fourteen hundreds history. So just to make it as short as I can, Hans Van Trotha, he had

two castles, but one of them led to a rivalry with a monastery because they believed they were the rightful owners. As someone who read the history of this, technically it did belong to the monastery, but he was gifted it by a previous owner. And so he thought that that kind of trumped them being able to move in. So he didn't care that they were the rightful owners and he refused to move out. And during this dispute, the monastery would not back down. So to assert dominance or to say like, fuck you, I live here,

Hans decided that he was going to build a dam that would keep all of the water from going into that Abbey's village. Build a dam to keep all the water from going. Oh, so like you don't have access to water basically. Yeah, he like took away their water, which is like the one thing that people have in the 1400. Wow, that's really fucking cruel.

It was like, well, you don't live here and also you have no water now, so shut up. And now you're gonna die of thirst, very nice. Yeah, so then I don't know if like he was ordered to take it down or if enough people complained, so he took it down or if this was part of his little evil plan. Eventually he then takes it down

after the dam has caught enough water. And so then when he takes down the dam, all the water comes crashing back into the town and he floods the town and like really ruins their situation. And we don't know if that was intentional or not. Different stories told me different things. Okay. But it sounds like he took it down as part of his evil plan.

Oh, what a dick. But then I saw another thing where like a higher up supervisor of the castle or a castle nearby told them to take it down. So. It's like, oh yeah, I'll give you water. You want water? I'll give you water.

And then he drowns the town. That's so fucked up. Yeah, I don't know what the actual story is, but it seems like he was happy to flood them. You know what I mean? Cool, yeah. You know what? I do know what you mean.

Okay. At some point. We've all been there. We've all been there. I've always wanted to flood a town. Yeah. At least for the drama. Yeah, it just happens sometimes. At some point, the emperor gets involved.

Oh boy. And even he can't stop Hans. I guess this guy is such a force to be reckoned with. Unstoppable Hans. But he is just tormenting this monastery who, they were just like, can you please just let us move in to your house because it's our house actually. And he's just tormenting them.

The emperor can't do anything about it. So eventually it goes all the way to the top and the Pope has to get involved. I was like, who's above the emperor? Oh, right. I guess the Pope. Yeah, there's very few people after the emperor. So the Pope gets involved. The Pope asks Hans to, which I, by the way,

apparently this Pope is called Pope Innocent VIII. Okay, my brother and I just had a thing where we sat in a hotel room and we debated our favorite Pope names because some of them are so- What? Yeah, well, we went to Catholic school. So they have some weird fucking names.

Like there's Pope Urban, there's Pope Innocent, there's Pope Pius, there's Pope Dionysus, that was one of my favorites, where I was like, isn't that the Pope, isn't that the goddess of like wine and revelry? But anyway, there are some, like Pope names get really fucking weird, and a lot of them are just like words.

You're just gonna pick any fucking word? It's some, there's some weird system, but yeah, I think you do get a say in what your name is. What would your name be? Oh, actually, you know what? He asked me that and I had an answer. I can't quite remember, but there were some good ones like Zephyrhenus, like some very,

Greek god sounding names. That's nice. Yeah, do you have one? like some very like, you know, Greek God sounding names. That's nice. Yeah. Do you have one? What's your Pope name? This is a very- Pope Sleepy, I don't know. Like a dwarf, I don't know. I would just pick a Pope Hungry, I guess.

Pope Hungry. Yeah, yeah. You'd probably be the first. And they'd be like, oh, hungry for the Lord. And that's like, yep. Hungry for the Lord, hell yeah. That's right. You'll be eating your snack pack pudding like, yep, that's right. Hungry be the first. And they'd be like, oh, hungry for the Lord. And that's like, yep. Hungry for the Lord, hell yeah. That's right. You'll be eating your snack pack pudding like,

yep, that's right, hungry for the Lord, nothing else. Me with a fruit roll-up falling out of my mouth, yeah. Yeah, so there's some weird ones, but yeah, I was gonna ask you if it was one of the weird names because there's like urban and innocent. Well, this is more interesting to me is that there was a Pope innocent and then this is Pope Innocent the eighth.

Oh yeah, yeah, it's a very common one. I like that they just swipe each other's names from each other. They do, and then there's like Clement and Urban, the like 11th, and you're like, Jesus Christ, come up with something original like Hungry. I feel like it should be like a Jersey that gets retired. It's like, what's the name?

Oh yeah. Like let everybody at least be able to remember who each, it's cause now it just feels like you're like King Edward the fucking 17th or whatever. Like- I mean, I think that's probably what they're going for, you know, like a legacy type thing. I know.

Well, I don't know what you expected. Some really progressive politics coming from the Vatican. The Pope. Yeah. Well, okay. So this guy, remember he floods the town. He's pissing everyone off. The emperor can't help him.

So Pope Innocent VIII says- Which by the way is always to me like, wow, that would protest too much. Like, I'm innocent, that's my name. I didn't do anything. That's a great point. Obviously, check the license, check the birth certificate. Obviously, I had nothing to do with this.

Hands are clean. It's like, whatever you feel about the church, wasn't me. Obviously, there's no way it could have been. He backs into a stereo that plays Shaggy's, it wasn't me. Yeah. So the Pope asks Hans to literally come to Rome

to visit him because he's acting up that bad that he has to face to face defend his loyalty to the church, to the Pope. Which, what a bar story. Like the Pope literally told me I have to come see him. He summoned me. He asked me to like really go prove my loyalty and hang out and have dinner with him. God, he like always wants my attention.

And you know how the Pope is, right? He's so clingy that guy. And then Hans refuses to go be with him and writes him a letter instead. Such a power move. Accusing the church of being incredibly immoral. Oh, that feels like a low blow. I mean, it's true, absolutely, but it feels, wow.

In one way, it's like, first of all, what a power move that you're gonna, first of all, of all Pope innocent, as you just said, of all of them, he's gonna send a letter about how immoral the church is. But then talk about, here's your answer on whether or not I'm loyal to the church. Yeah, good point.

Here's a letter about how I'm not. And- Here's a letter about how you suck, like, whoa. But also at some point, I think he lost the plot because if he really wanted to keep his house, the last thing you should do is now go give a middle finger to the Pope. Good point.

Now he's gonna get mad. It's one thing to be like an arrogant asshole and like no one can tame you, but like now you're just gonna go piss off anyone who can make any rule they want. I was gonna say, especially someone with power who can just say, never mind. It's mine now yeah, so that's what happened the Pope excommunicated him well and

And then he probably went to the bar and played victim. He went. Can you believe what they did? Oh He was also given an imperial ban of any legal rights he had to any of his belongings So he literally just they just said you're banned from all your stuff. Yeah Just go away. Just literally leave the property. I would be so scared every day living in that time period. I'd be like, somebody's just going to quarter me or take all my belongings or apply me to the...

Like, all they had is water, and it was probably full of rat poop or something. Oh, and the Pope's just going to summon me, and it's just going to be a bad day any day, every day. Holidays can be hard. It's tough sometimes when you're trying to make it a really festive time. You're buying plane tickets, you're buying presents for other people, you're buying nice peppermint coffees for yourself and sometimes your money takes a little bit of a

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If I ever had a time travel to that era, to the medieval times, I would just, it's like when you go on a, like as I just did, you're about to go on a plane for the holidays, you know you're gonna get sick. It's like, if I'm gonna time travel to the medieval era, I know I'm gonna die. I'm gonna be the pope.

If you send me back there, you let me be the pope or something so I can at least have a little bit of sway. Between this and like the Salem witch trial era, like I'm fucked. That's a flyover state for me on the time machine. I'm not even touching that. We're in trouble.

Okay, so at the, oh, Emperor Belova. The flyover state in the time machine. You know what I mean. So beautiful. You know what I mean. Beautifully put. It's like, oh, let's change the time circuits. We're not going there.

It's like, we all know. We all know this is just the planes. We're just gonna wave down and move. When you stop to, you'll stop to get gas for the time machine, but like you're looking over your shoulder the whole time, like how quick can I get out? And it's definitely not New Jersey

where they make you hire, pay somebody, tip somebody to fill you up. No, and also if I'm filling my time machine with gas in 1692, I am getting burned at the stake for sure. Oh, big time. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. At least the medieval people might stay away from me.

They might think I am Jesus or something. Yeah, you probably look like a biblical monster or something. Anyway, here we go. So the Pope excommunicated him and he lost all of his belongings, which I'd love to think that the monastery then moved in and just started playing with all of his shit.

It just got his stuff, yeah. It's like, we have his record player now. Ooh, look his pipe. So he ends up leaving the region and after he died, he became associated with this defiant, bloodthirsty, power-hungry, violent bogeyman who wants to terrorize people, especially Christian people.

Wow, okay, so he became enemy number one and then like was fictionalized almost into this like enemy character. Yeah, Merry Christmas. A villain, okay, so he became enemy number one and then like was fictionalized almost into this like enemy character. Yeah, Merry Christmas. A villain, okay. Some versions say this is where his name was changed to Hans Trapp, cause remember it was Hans von Traffa. And Trapp apparently is short for trappin',

which maybe you know, maybe you can confirm, but apparently it means walking loudly to scare off the spirits Top yeah, Trapa means stairs or steps So that makes sense Okay, so walking maybe stepping. I don't know Multiple multiple sources said specifically walking loudly to scare off spirits and I was like that can't be summed up in one word That's well, it feels very German that they would have a word for that,

but you know it would probably be like 40 letters long. Right. But I think it, nowadays, I think it would probably mean more like just steps or treading, but I think back then it probably had some connotation like that, yeah. Yeah, okay. So because of this name change,

it's thought that his spirit wanders the area seeking vengeance on the spirits who took over his castle. Oh, okay. So that's one side of it. Now this is where it gets wildly loosely based. I just like saw something out of the corner of my eye again, but this time like right next to me. That was so weird.

Haunt? I know, but it's just like a wall next to me. So I'm like. What did it look like? I know, but it's just like a wall next to me. So I'm like. What did it look like? It just looked like something just like went right past me, but I'm literally- Do you have dowsing rods with you? In a corner. This is like what's next to me.

Well, I'm glad to not be there. Me too. You don't have dowsing rods or something? I felt like something fell off my shelf. I don't know. I think they're downstairs. But anyway, sorry, that was weird. But I was just thinking,

it happened right when I was thinking about what you said about like trappin' or what? Trap, trappin' about like how I was just hearing someone on the stairs here and trep. It's Hans Treppin'. Stairs, yeah. Treppin' means stairs. That's pretty weird.

Well, now you know maybe his name's Hans. It's a ghostly, ghostly tread. His name would be Hans. I would be fucking haunted by a ghost named Hans. I mean, are you kidding me? I can't escape it. Do you ever talk to Harry out loud? No, maybe once or twice ever, but not really, no.

Which maybe I should. I do talk to him in my head sometimes. Yeah, maybe next time he's making noise on the stairs, just go, no thank you, Harry, please, either you or your friend. I don't know why I didn't do that. Why doesn't anyone ever listen to me? The no thank you rule really does work.

No, but I mean, it's so smart. I think just in the moment, I was so convinced it was a real person, it didn't even like occur to me. You know what I mean? It was like later on when I went to bed and like woke up the next day that I was like, well, clearly we didn't even like occur to me. You know what I mean? It was like later on when I went to bed and like woke up the next day that I was like, well, clearly we didn't get murdered.

Like I... There have been a few times where like, if it's somebody that I care about, or I feel like it's somebody that cares about me, I just say out loud like, you probably don't mean it, but you're making me really uncomfortable. Can you kind of take it down a notch?

Yeah, yeah. I know you know what... And you know what I actually realized the next day, which is so embarrassing, I was almost gonna not even say it, is the next morning I realized that I had just done a meditation before bed where I had asked my spirit guides

to please make a noise in the house. Oh, Christine. If they were here. And then I made Blaze get up and check if there was an intruder. Christine, you were beyond insufferable. Like so annoying. I was like, I can't believe I just did that. And then I went to bed and went, fuck.

And it occurred to me like in the middle of the night and I went, thank you. Anyway. Oh my God. Are you there? Sorry, I think there's a lag. Oh, Christine. Hello.

Christine, you laughed so hard that the internet broke. Talk now, can you talk? I'm so ashamed. Oh, fuck, there's a huge lag. Yeah, I'm talking. What happened? Literally, as you were laughing, it just like, shit, you were laughing so loud

and then it just blacked out and it just came back and now there's a lag. I think it's better now. And I also just remembered another thing. What? About the ghostly stuff. So remember how I said my vape broke? Yeah.

And you know how just now when I just started freaking out and the internet went out. What, you now have like electricity powers? I have been breaking everything around me, light bulbs. My phone will just turn off. Like two of my vape pens just died and like I plugged something in yesterday and it sparked and just died.

And I'm like, I've gone through like three laptop chargers. This is in like the last two months. And I felt like something was wrong with my house. But then when we went on tour, it kept happening and things like spark, I don't know. So I don't know if that's part of it, but remember I went and saw that psychic medium guy one time and he's like, has anything ever moved around you?

And I was like, yeah, like sometimes things fall off the wall and he's like, that's cause you can channel like almost Energy to move shit and now I'm afraid I'm like breaking everything in the house So I'm sorry about the internet if that was me. I do apologize. This is just a Disney original channel original movie montage where you're learning your skills It's like a modern day, but just like an old and tired podcaster instead of like a fun high school kid He turns into a dog or something. Anyway, I'm sorry.

That was my fun little tidbit for you. But yes, I did also ask for the sign from the ghosts and I am insufferable. And all of that is true. Great. Well, okay. Master all your skills before I really need them so I can exploit you. Thank you so much. Okay, so that was all a story about actual,

a real German knight named Hans von Schathe about how he really did it. He seemed like a little prick, right? Yes, so he gets banished. Now here's the thing, this is where, I guess like it's his epilogue, and this is the part that is now the legend of Homs Trap. This is where I guess like it's his epilogue and this is the part that is now the legend of this is where it begins yeah because nobody refers to any of that stuff right like the

backstory that was just so everybody knows who this story is based on gotcha and his like fake epilogue is what the actual creature is this feels like the time I watched WandaVision with you yes it does feel like we're kind of going back and forth here. And I am like very interested. I am paying attention, but it's, I like being your student. So if someone were to come up to me and go, Papa, tell me all about the Hans Trap as like a Christmas cryptid, I would start here. And I would say, well, there's this guy,

he was banished to the woods and that's where it starts. But if people are wondering why, then the real person got banished because of the things we just said. He wrote a mean letter. He bullied the Pope is what happened. But interesting, no one mentions any of that stuff. And yet, Hans Trapp became like this Christian Christmas

cryptid and it had all these like very intense religious overtones that no one even talks about. That's really interesting. I wonder if they were like, let's make an example of this guy. I don't know. Yeah, that's what it feels like,

because they don't mention the Pope or anything afterwards, but it was very much there. He's like, don't bring me into it. I just wanna pull the strings behind the scenes. It's almost like they should mention everything. It feels like it's relevant, right? It would certainly be a more powerful, like testimonial creature. And a warning, like don't bully the Pope

or like your religious leaders. Yeah. Don't defy the church and go against a monastery. I'm surprised that's not part of it. Well, so basically there's a version that says that Hans Trapp was, or if someone asked about Hans Trapp as a creature, they would start by saying,

well, he was once a powerful man, but he either defied the church or he started making deals with the devil. It very quickly slips into he became like an occult practitioner. And he was banished to live alone forever. So he's banished to the mountains of Bavaria. That's where he apparently lives.

First of all, nice place to be banished. If I was gonna be banished somewhere, you sent me right there. It's beautiful. Exactly. So he's still craving power or vengeance or insert word here that's evil and against the church. And this is why he starts practicing dark magic,

which again, probably stems from him being evil because he defied the church. During this time period, he's so isolated that he slowly begins to lose his sanity. And also probably because he's hungry and cold and has no shelter or belongings. And lives in the woods now, yeah. Yeah, they don't talk about any of that.

They just say, this man, he started practicing things with the devil and then he went insane. It's like, he sounds like he was banished to the mountains and just had to live off the ground. We're a little more critical thinkers these days than I think maybe they were 400, 500 years ago, I guess. Certainly, because my next bullet point is, as he lost his sanity and once he became fully deranged,

she now craves the taste of human flesh. Oh, sure, yeah, that's how it works. He hatches a plan by dressing himself up as a scarecrow, which like, by the way, again, critical thinking, maybe he was just putting fucking straw in his shirt because he was cold. Maybe he was trying to go to bed. He was cold.

Yeah. But he hatches a plan, dresses up as a scarecrow, leans against like the stake that a, like the stick that a scarecrow, leans against the stake that a, like the stick that a scarecrow would be on, and he waits in the field for someone to walk by. Jesus, this is a horror movie, okay. A little shepherd boy, of course, a little Christian boy. Oh no, with a little crook and a little sheep.

Yes, he eventually walks by and Hans gets off of the scarecrow stick and stabs him with it. What? That's really dark. Drags him through the forest. Jesus. Preps him for cooking and slices him up. Germans are so fucked up, dude. As he's about to take his very first bite of this little shepherd boy, a bolt of lightning comes down, strikes him down, cracks his head open and he dies.

The Vaan trap, the trap guy. The trap guy. What? Which a lot of people say in their stories, they say a divine lightning bolt. Right, okay, so I was gonna say, is this like a godly like vengeance? Yes, it was, I guess, an allegory for God stopping evil. He's been smitten, smited.

Although this is where the atheist in me goes, okay, so God couldn't do that before the little boy was stabbed with a stake, dragged through the woods and sliced up? Yeah, but the boy was just part of the story, you know? It's just like, he's just a plot point here. He had a purpose in God's world and it was to be an example. Right. It's the most wonderful time of the year holidays on the house at DraftKings Casino. With this season's offerings you'll unwrap everything you wished for from table games and jackpots to a slot at the top of everyone's list jingle bells power reels.

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That's cool. You guys. Merry Christmas. So. That's cool. Guys, Merry Christmas. So. Yeah, this is so far this, I do see how this definitely correlates to the holidays. It's definitely matched up so far. Wicked cannibal scarecrow.

So this backstory helped the region use a Hunstrap as a scary. Also, if this little shepherd boy is walking around with a lamb, you've got some good eats right in front of you. I know, lamb shank, are you kidding me? You could just, you're literally in the woods hungry and a beautiful little sheep or a lamb. Now, normally I wouldn't recommend

eating someone else's sheep, but it's better than eating them. Maybe he went out there to find his sheep, like Mary or something. Like Mary. Who had a little lamb. Oh, right, she did have- Wait, was she looking for them or she already had one?

No, that one followed her around everywhere. She was trying to get rid of that lamb, I think. So maybe the shepherd is the opposite. Honestly, I think she was trying to shake him off. Maybe he was like a coven-less witch. He was a sheep-less shepherd. Oh, that's sad. What's a group of sheep called?

A flock? A flock of sheep, yes. So he's a flock-less shepherd. Oh, wow, that's sad. What's a group of sheep called? A flock? A flock of sheep, yes. So he's a flockless shepherd. Oh, wow, that's beautiful. I know what I am. Now he's a dead flockless shepherd. He didn't have a lot going for him. No sheep, no life.

Oh, stabbed with your own crook. So this backstory helped the region use Han's trap, this backstory. Like it was already bad that he defied the Pope, but I guess he had to be a cannibal scarecrow. It wasn't quite enough. It helped the region use Hans Trapp

as a scary warning to other naughty children like this shepherd boy. I like that now he's naughty. Why is he naughty? He was literally child laboring. He was out in the fields. Bad at his job, flockless shepherd. So, but it taught other kids that if you weren't careful, He was out in the fields. He batted his job, flockless shepherd.

So, but it taught other kids that if you weren't careful, the cannibal scarecrow will come after you, drag you into the forest and eat you up. Imagine how scared you'd be of a normal scarecrow after this, like if you believe this. Like you would never wanna be in a field again. And also part of me would be like, he's not gonna eat me up, God stopped it last time. That would be me being an asshole.

I'd be like, he'll kill me. He killed you first. Somehow this did become a slippery slope into Christmas territory when reprimanding your kids of be good or else the sky will come find you. Geez. Especially because he looked very Santa-esque. He was tall with a long white beard,

pointy hat like the poem, as white as white or whatever. He had black boots and sometimes he was seen riding a horse because he was originally a knight, but you could attribute a horse to like a reindeer. No, you couldn't, but okay. And Hans Trapp has similar obviously Krampus undertones that maybe made people think of Christmas because they were like,

he sounds like that other guy we celebrate on Christmas. Oh, he sounds like that other man who beats up my children on Christmas. Like Krampus, he carries a bag with him sometimes for all of the children he'll be dragging through the forest. Oh, cute. And he carries that long rod from the poem to beat naughty kids with.

Nice. And now the legend is that a scarecrow roams the area before Christmas, picking out which kids he will eat for Christmas dinner. That's so psychotic. This is like somehow scarier to me than Krampus. In a lot of, yeah, cause like Krampus will beat you and then kind of leave you alone, right?

This is like predetermined. I think there's different versions where sometimes Krampus will like take you with him, which is also very scary. But this one that he's like predetermining, like he's like lurking around before Christmas, picking who's gonna be his dinner. Like what the fuck?

But that also feels like you have a chance to correct your wrongdoings before he comes, you can repent, see? Yeah, but what if he spots you in the window and picks you? And then it's like, is it too late now? Like do I, oh, I prove it now, you know? Like if he just- How do I wipe off this mark he's giving me?

Right, if he spotted me already, oh my gosh. Next time he sees me, he's coming after if he spotted me already. Oh my gosh next time He sees me. He's coming after me. He has a fork in his hand Yeah, gosh and a lot of versions Hans Trapp and Santa work together Allah good cop bad cop cute because this is my personal favorite version of the backstory This was from one source, but I gotta tell you it's delicious important Santa heard about Hans because Santa heard that children were in danger. Santa hears everything.

When he does, he knows, he's, when you're sleeping and everything. All of it. He heard that the little kids in the town were in danger. Santa said, not today, motherfucker. Yes. He traps Hans. Yes.

Actually, he uses one of his friends and baits Hans is the real thing. Who's his friend? I should know this, but I forgot. An elf? Like, what do you mean? Santa doesn't have friends? I'm so confused right now.

No, it was some other folklore creature. Some other Christian creature. I was like, who the fuck are you talking about? I was about ready to start yelling. I felt like you were challenging everything I know. That little fucker who wants to be a dentist? Yeah, what the fuck is that all about? Get a grip. So Santa traps him and then confines him and trains him back to humanity.

What? Like a rehab program? What the fuck? Talk about his application for the institution. Yeah, seriously. Talk about his Disney Channel original movie montage where he's being trained back to humanity. And then Hans becomes Santa's guardian every Christmas where he protects Santa from his ops, who like, who the fuck is like an enemy of Santa.

But also he wants, he does this as a way to repent for his sins by punishing other sinners. It's that Christian logic. It's kind of backwards and forwards all at the same time. Okay. So now what's his name now? Trapp? Hans Trapp. Hans Trapp. He now is like sort of the Leonardo DiCaprio, like the catch me if you can, like he's now working for the good side double agent but using his like bad intel to like go target people he knows are bad he goes with santa one

for protection because the snow might come down i don't know i don't know what he's protecting santa but also he will go to each of the naughty children and say, I've been there, don't do that. And yes, I guess he's a, he's like when all the people at D.A.R.E. would make someone come in who has done drugs. Scared straight type thing. Okay, okay, I get it, I get it, I get it, okay. We had someone that come to our school

for the D.A.R.E. program. Yeah, let's share these, because these are good, yeah, go ahead. And- Love these stories. She said, which like, maybe it's true. I don't believe her though. When I was 10 too, I didn't believe her. Maybe it's true. But for those who don't know what the D.A.R.E. program is,

it's something that like all of the fourth and fifth graders have to go through, or used to have to go through, I don't know if they do anymore. It's to teach us to not do drugs. And they'll bring like a cop in who will teach you about drugs. Drugs and alcohol. Yeah drug alcohol resistance education. I think they do this I'm pretty sure they do this in the UK too because um on my dad wrote a porno I remember uh one of them Jamie like or James James read a poem,

or a rap he wrote for Dare in middle school. And it was so cringy. But so I think it's probably pretty, we've probably all been in some version. Well, so at our place, there were a few classes where a little police officer came in and showed us drugs. And then we got to look at the drugs. And they were like, if you see this you run.

Yeah it was probably fucking oregano and like powdered sugar. They have to there's no way they just pass that around to 10 year olds. Do you mean like they just like have cocaine on them at school? They literally had little baggies and showed them to us and they're like this is what it looks like. We didn't do that. And then they have someone come in who like I guess he's like. Who like went through it and wants to spare you his journey or their journey.

Tells you their journey and like, why you should stay away. The person who came to mine did like the classic one of like, I had a friend who, which makes me think that you're just saying the same scary words that everyone else is, that her friend took some sort of crazy hallucinogen and thought that her arm was snakes and then she cut her own arms off. Okay, that feels-

And I was like, both of them? How did she do that without the other arm? That's insane. And that also feels like the same energy of like, oh, well my aunt's cousin's art teacher had, she got in the car after filling her tank up with gas and there was a man in the seat behind her that, you know, the same like urban legend that always gets told.

Yeah, it feels like that a little bit. Even at 10, I was like, boo. Like we got told that a woman, a young woman, a young babysitter who was like a teenage girl microwaved a baby because she thought it was a baked potato because she was so high on marijuana. Yeah, yes. And it like, it scared me so bad. I was like, she microwaved an infant? And now I'm like, wait, what the fuck?

And I mean, like, maybe that's- It's like they were trying to think of the scariest things that R.L. Stine could come up with, you know? Right, and it's like maybe that happened at some point in life, like somebody did that, but I think it's not just like some teenager who was stoned. I think it was probably either a much more horrific and nuanced story than that, but I think it's not just like some teenager who was stoned. I think it was probably either a much more horrific and nuanced story than that. But yeah, I feel like they were trying to find whatever the scariest

urban legend thing was and they just told like their brother to come in and pretend he's done drugs. I don't know. I bet you. That's what it felt like. That's what it felt like. And like they were always in their 20s and it was like, so the girl who came to our class, I remember our teacher made us leave in the middle of it, because in the middle, and it was in St. Cecilia's, and we had to sit in the little auditorium and listen. And this woman came and she was an alumni of our school, or an alum of our school.

And she told this story about how she got really into alcohol and drugs. And then she's like, and then one day I was, I found myself suddenly giving a blow job to this man and everybody in the auditorium suddenly is like, what? Of course, your ears perk up. And the, oh my God, the way that the teachers were like, everybody out and they started like shooing us out.

And we were like, no, we want to hear about this blow job. Yeah, like, damn, if you wanted our attention, we got it. And she got, they were like, that was too far. And she's like, I was just trying to tell my story. I'm like, that one I actually believed because she was telling the story and we were all like, holy shit, girl. Well, isn't that the whole point?

It's like, it's supposed to be shocking. It's like, sorry, it also shocked the teachers. And by the way, I was like, I don't want to give anyone a blow job. I really don't want to get into drugs. Thank you, this really worked for me. Thanks, you fixed me. Exactly, I know.

And honestly, I know somebody has probably really cut their arm off or something from right. But like there's no way in Fredericksburg, Virginia on a Tuesday, you found the person that everyone's been talking about for 30 years. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. It feels like one of those just scared straight stories. Yeah. Like what Hans would be probably telling all these kids. Exactly. I'm a sinner, I was a sinner and I've repented in my ways and now I've teamed up with Santa and you can be a good little Christian

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Santa trapped him and trained him back to being a human, which also implies that he was a monster at some point. Yeah, that he wasn't. Because if you're not Christian, then you're an animal or something. Yeah, good point, yuck. But there's a lot of versions like that, but basically Santa and Hans

are often in cahoots with each other. And one place you can see this take place is at the Hans Trap Parade in, how do you say it? Wussenburg? How do you spell it? W-I-S-S-E-M? Oh, Wissenburg. Wissenburg.

B-U-R-G or E-R-G? O-U-R-G. O-U-R-G. Okay, well. Wissenburg, I don't know. O-U-R-G. O-U-R-G. Okay. Well, this is in book, I don't know. Well, that is the original city where the actual German knight was banished from.

And every December they have a parade there now of the creature that has morphed out of his story, Hans Trapp. And at this parade there are monks. Real ones? Yeah, I guess so. Cool. I hope so.

Fire jugglers and percussionists. Real ones? Just kidding. Fuck, Mary, kill. Monks, fire jugglers, percussionists. Hold on. Obviously you're gonna fuck the fire jugglers because that's too crazy to not do.

I almost wanted to marry though for constant entertainment, you know. Oh, interesting. What was the last one again? Percussionists. Yeah, fuck that. No, I mean not fuck that, but well. I'm killing the monks, let's be clear.

I think we gotta kill the monks because they're not really gonna do much. Unless they know how to make beer because a lot of monks make beer and that would be really beneficial to me. So I would marry a monk if we had an open relationship and I could maybe go, like, check out the percussionists every now and then, wink.

Maybe they run a monk brewery and percussionists play every Thursday night with the Fire Jugglers. And then I get to kill one somebody and have sex with somebody else. Great. I love that. I'm sorry. This is like me explaining a joke to my dad. And I'm like, see, and then you have sex with somebody else. Great, I love that. I'm sorry, this is like me explaining a joke to my dad and I'm like, see, and then you have sex and then it's like, no, now it's not funny anymore.

It's like explaining a board game. Yeah, it's not funny anymore. Like this just sucks now. Okay, so the parade at Monk's Firejugglers has those three things at his parade, all warning the town, quick, Hans Trapp is coming, be good, be good. All very fuckable.

And then, and after the monks, the fire jugglers and the percussionists and all of their warnings that Hans Trapp was coming, then rolling down the street is a carriage full of imprisoned naughty children who are crying out behind bars to be helped before Hans Trapp gets them. I've seen that, I've seen that imagery. Somebody like has tagged me, I think, in posts about that,

but I didn't know what it was. Oh, here you go. Well, then Hans Trapp appears and he walks amongst the kids and asks if they've been good. Where's Santa? I don't know. So maybe they're not always together. And then later another person appears,

which is Christ Kindle Who is an angel an angel like being who wears a crown of candles and symbolizes the light and She instills hope and all the scared children Because Hans Trapp is obviously trying to take away the naughty ones, but she says no no no you're gonna be okay if you stay with me if you become Christian blah blah and Chris Kindle confronts Hans Trepp during this parade and frightened by the light of Christ, he flees back to his castle and the whole town celebrates good overcoming evil.

Wow, so it's like a war of good versus evil. God's army. Wow. And then Christkindle hands out presents, there's a firework show and usually St. Nicholas shows up as well to help with the presents. I don't know. My mom saw the

drain caught chocolate. Christ angel child, whatever one time when she was a little kid. Oh, really? Yeah, she said she was just heard a voice to go look outside and looked up at the sky and there was this beautiful angel flying above the house. Oh,

I don't know. She used to tell me that I never believed her and now I'm just like, I just house. Oh. I don't know. She used to tell me that and I never believed her. And now I'm just like, I just like the story. So I believe her. Why wouldn't I believe her? I don't know. That's nice. But yeah, Christkindl, like kind means child.

So it's like Christ child. Christkindl is like the symbol. But have you heard of Christkindlmarkt? It's like a Christmas festival. It's like a Christmas market that like a lot of towns have started doing. It's like a German Christmas market, basically. They're really fun and they have like mulled wine and lots of like cuckoo clocks and presents you can buy and stuff. Nice.

Anyway, that's Hans Trapp. What a story. Everyone be a good Christian this Christmas. Ho, ho, ho. Or else a cannibal scarecrow's gonna get you. I mean, I just Googled him, and the photos they've got of this guy are fucking upsetting. Like, he looks like...

German? Oh, ghostadventures.com. Well, that explains it. Did you just look at a picture of Zack? No, it's literally just a fucking scarecrow skeleton situation. Terrifying. It's so scary looking though. Can't believe I didn't know about this guy. Alrighty, thank you for sharing that story with us.

I've now got a story for us as well that absolutely has nothing to do with Christmas and I'm sorry about that. Oh, that's okay. I brought the goods this time. Hey, wait, I know. It's a cold case. Does that count?

Does that mean I can solve it today for everybody? Well, I just meant because it's cold, because it's winter, but also, no, not that. I do like the pun. Oh, wow, that really didn't land, huh? Okay. Yeah, how about let's try again. Yeah, it's a cold case M, so at least you can have a chance

at solving it, which is your greatest Christmas wish. It's my, oh, Merry Christmas everyone! To each and everyone, shut the fuck up, Tony, Tim. That guy pisses me off every time. He pisses me right off. He ticks me, oh, every. I wanna kick his little crutches out. I wanna oh every. I wanna kick his little crutches out. I wanna be like.

I wanna kick his little crotch is what I wanna do. Oh my God. Wow. I do, I will tell you, I've never met a Tiny Tim I did like. Agree. Because at every school play I've been to where someone played Tiny Tim, I was like this fucking guy, please.

Maybe I've just only watched people perform him wrong. Maybe that's why I hate him. No, but maybe it's like, oh, that character just does not vibe with our energy. You know what I mean? Because it's like, okay, you're making these crutches like a part of your persona, and it's becoming a lot for a lot of us.

Like, you're making this all about you. I feel like if instead of Tiny Tim, there was like Big Tim, and he was just like dragging a cigarette. Wait, but hang on, I got it. It's Tiny Tim, but he's just really huge. He's just like, you know how they call certain gangsters like tiny, but they're huge?

Oh yeah. It's like that. It's like I'm Tiny Tim. His last name's actually Soprano and he's just Tiny Tim Soprano. Exactly. And he's like, Merry Christmas, everyone. He's got meaty fists, this bad boy.

Yeah, he's got salami dripping down his mouth Oh, yeah, see that one I can fuck with now. This is more our speed He's got crutches because he was just in a gang shootout. He's got no crutches. He tosses those to the side Yeah, he just walks with a limp now. That's what you do. Yeah, but a big butter boom. I Like him cute Capricola We are so beyond unhinged today. I really am so sorry to everybody who just wanted a straightforward fucking story.

What are you talking about? I'm having a really reasonable and academic experience with you today. Not a single sentence has just been said today. Well, here's the- Let's keep, okay. Here's the cold case of Michelle Martinko. The start of a new year is the perfect time to get organized, set goals, and prioritize

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at least for me, the first time this year. Iowa, not Cedar Rapids, but Iowa. I went to Cedar Rapids. Did you? This year? I did. Oh, nice. When we went to Iowa, I had a day to kill, so I went to Cedar Rapids. Did you? This year? I did. Oh, nice. How was it?

When we went to Iowa, I had a day to kill, so I went to Cedar Rapids. I don't know why, but that city in my mind has always been like, maybe I knew someone in my past who lived there, and so the name was just more popular in my head. No, I bet I know why, because I think I know why it's in my head.

Because it sounds a little bit like Cedar Park, and it also sounds like Rapids, like it's some like theme park or something. It feels like a place where you'd have a connection or like want to go to, but it's like random. It was actually the complete opposite of fun. Sorry, Cedar Rapids. It was fucking not worth it.

But I literally hear Cedar Rapids, and I'm like, oh, like Pigeon Forge or like Cedar Point. And then it's like, that's not what it is, but I've never been. So I guess- Fucking Eva. Eva, I told her, I was like, I think I'm gonna spend a day in Cedar Rapids. And she went, why?

And I went- Oh my God. See, I never known about it at all. And I went, well, isn't it like a hotspot? And she went, I don't think so. And I went, ah, Eva doesn't know what she's talking about. I'm gonna have fun. I genuinely thought the same.

I literally, it's the only city I have changed my flight and flew away early. Did you, okay. But like, remember when you said I went to see the rabbit and I said, oh, how was it? Because in my head, it was still this like cool place. Not that it's not cool folks, but I really pictured it as like,

I feel so seen. A theme park. Also, like I, there was like, I tried like three things there, which like, there was like kind of like a little walking area that was nice. Well, there's the national Czech and Slovak museum and library, which I'm not saying is not fun.

It's just not maybe the vibe that I was imagining, you know. Like there was a Mount Trashmore, which there's one in Virginia. So I did that. Oh, cute. There was like a little walking area next to that that I went to. So like I, but I did everything in like an hour and I was like, well now what? Well, they've got a lot of floods in their history. So that's interesting.

I went to, there was like a food market, but like you can only eat so much food. Like I, after like a few shops, I was like, I think that's it. I don't know what else there is. And so, um, uh, oh, what was I going to tell you? Fuck. Anyway, I thought it was going to be a real gas and it is not the amusement park that you and I both think it is. I'm actively learning this because I really never really actively thought about it. It was just always subconsciously in my mind. And so when you said it, I went, oh, how fun. And then I went, wait a minute, is this where my illusions are all disassembled

in front of me? Yes. Yeah, somehow. I didn't know what to, I tried. I fought so hard to make it, because you know me, I'm like, I will find the fun. I'll find it. Yeah.

And maybe it was because things- And we'll find a wall made of like gum and make it fun. I found some things, but it was like not even And we'll find a wall made of like gum and make it fun. I found some things, but it was like not even a full day worth of stuff. And so I was like, okay, well, maybe this is just like a sleepier town. Also, I found a, in like all of their listicles,

there was this one like burger place where they were like, this is the best burger I've ever had. I went there, they made me wait an hour and 10 minutes. It wasn't even like busy. And then when I got the burger. I went there, they made me wait an hour and 10 minutes. It wasn't even like busy. And then when I got the burger, I was like, this doesn't, this doesn't taste like it was worth an hour for sure. So I, I'm sorry, I'm like totally trashing on Cedar Rapids. But in my mind, I really thought it was going to be like a six flags experience. You know, we did go to Iowa city and we did like get to drive through. I feel like we had more fun driving around and like exploring and stuff.

But yeah, I did like Iowa City a lot. Yeah, I would say it's cool too. But I yeah, wow, I'm being very disillusioned about Cedar Rapids now because I think it is Cedar Park and like, great rapids. You're totally right. It's like something like- Because you hear rapids and you think fun. Yeah.

Yeah. I just and then Cedar, you know, it just kind of, anyway, so that's where Michelle was born, the boring ass city of Cedar Rapids. And then as soon as her little legs started working, she ran out of there. She said, get me out of this fucking joint. Take me to Pigeon Forge, take me to a real town. Okay, so she's born in 1961 in Cedar Rapids, Iowa.

She was the youngest of two daughters. And by the way, folks, can you guys chime in if you also ever had that subconscious thought as a kid about Cedar Rapids? Because I feel like that can't be just me and him. Because if you and I both have that isolated experience and we've never discussed that, it has to be a more common thing. I don't know. I mean, it was, yeah, please, please say something.

It just feels like something probably maybe we're all having a Mandela effect about. If you're from Cedar Rapids and I missed something, write it below so if I'm ever there again, I have something to do. You didn't go a mile in where the giant Cedar Rapids fun park and aquarium and theme park water slide is? No, we missed that.

Well, okay, I will say one fun thing about Cedar Rapids, which I do truly think was a fun fact, is that apparently they are either the only place or one of the only places that they have a, it must be like a General Mills or Kellogg's factory or something nearby, but exclusively does Crunch Berry, like Captain Crunch Berries.

Well, I saw a Quaker thing on their Wikipedia. Well, so they, because they're- As one of their top employers, is it Quaker Oats? I don't know what it is, but they like exclusively do the Crunch Berries. Oh, okay, that makes sense. Well, apparently if you drive by the factory, it like smells like Crunch Berries.

No way, that so pretty cool. In the Chachki shops I did go to, there was like crunchberry stuff. Oh, that's cute. And I went to an ice cream place and like their main topping on everything was crunchberries. So like I appreciated that. I love crunchberries. Yeah, so I got I got a Mount Trashmore shirt and I got a crunchberry sticker. So that was kind of the highlight of it. That's actually very cute because I love,

but also that does incredibly fit into the exact mold of what I would have thought about Cedar Rapids. Like if I had just believed everything I already thought about Cedar Rapids and then somebody told me, also they have the Crunch Berry factory and the whole town smells like Crunch Berries. Like that would have made it even more magical.

You know, back in the day. It's like Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. Like that would have made it even more magical, you know, back in the day. It's like Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. Like, wow, they even have ice cream with crunch berries on it. Like it just sounds so magical. I totally agree. I would have been like, we're gonna go ride

the log Canyon Rapids. Yes, yes, yes, through the milk river. And then we're gonna eat crunch berries. Like it would have, it would have felt like it had to be part of it. But I think't know. I don't know. I got the crunch berries all... It would have felt like it had to be part of it, but I think we just... As a five-year-old, and also like... It made sense. In Mount Trashmore, there's a playground made of garbage.

See? It sounds like a seven-year-old's dream. So anyway, I'm trying to talk it up a little bit because I realize I poo-pooed on it for the Cedar Rapids people. Yes, I understand. Well, I am happy to know because I did not know that about crunch berries, and that's kind of a pretty fun fact. And it makes sense why Quaker Oats is a top employer there.

So anyway, that's where Michelle was born. All right. I'll move to actually I actually haven't finished bullet number one. So I'll finish that finish that first. As you begin your second smoothie of the day. Is this one the one with kiwi in it? This is the one with kiwi. Okay, great.

Let us know if it's better or worse. Okay, I'll tell you right now. Hmm. It's a little more tart. I think I would recommend no kiwi when you start out. So it's blueberry, blueberry bliss, sub mango for, or sub the banana for mango and add extra shoppers. What if you put extra, I would do it with mango,

but keep the banana. Is that something you would eat or no? I just think- Are you not into banana? I find, I'm fine with bananas, but it just overpowers any smoothie. It's just like the first flavor you taste. I think I like it. I think I like that part of it,

but mango would sound good too. So Michelle Martinko was born in 1961 in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, the youngest of two daughters. She grew up as a charismatic performer who excelled in things like choir, community theater. Her friends described her as very upbeat, very friendly. On December 19th, 1979, Michelle went to the Westdale Mall with about $180 in cash

because she wanted to do some Christmas shopping. And she... Hey, girl. I know. And she also wanted to pick up a winter coat that her mom had bought for her. So at this point, she's 18. And, you know, when you're like 18 and you finally maybe have like a job or a little bit of cash and you're like,

I can buy Christmas presents for people. And it like feels so empowering in a way. Like I can, I have my own money to spend, like even a little bit. So I just love that she like went to the mall with some cash and was gonna buy her family Christmas gifts or her friends. But she also was going to pick up a winter coat

that her mom put on layaway for her. So Michelle's friends described her as like a very girly girl, impeccably dressed, like she just always was put together. She liked to do her hair, makeup, she cared about her clothes. And so that night she left for the mall from a holiday banquet with her high school choir. So she was even more dressed up than usual. She had like a beautiful, like elegant black gown on, she was wearing high heels and she was even more dressed up than usual. She had like a beautiful, like elegant black gown on. She was wearing high heels. And she was wearing a white jacket made of rabbit fur.

Okay, girl. Wow. I mean, it's the 70s, but still. Whoa. Rabbit fur, that's... Not trying to compare animals here, but like that's a lot of rabbits to make a one That's it feels a little Cruella de Vil. Well, I mean that's I mean a mink is very small like this big

Really? Think up until this moment. I didn't know a mink was real, but I did know that their fur was real. Well, that's an interesting twist We're just we're unlearning a lot of things today, aren't we? Also, minx are very cute. You want to see one? Yeah. Like actually you'll find them cute.

And you know that that's like a high, high, high bar for M because M does not like most things with tails that move. Or not most, not with. Oh, if the tail doesn't have fur, I won't like it. That's the thing. Right, exactly. Very specific. But isn't he cute? That's the thing. Exactly. Very specific. But isn't he cute? This is a little monkey face.

So sweet. I know and see the fur? That's what they just slaughter them. Oh, well now I'm sad. Okay. Well, look at his little pose. His little pinky toes. Isn't he cute?

Oh man. So anyway, yeah, she's dressed in rabbit fur. And I do wonder when she went to the mall and her mom had put a coat on layaway for her, I'm like, was it a rabbit coat? Do they have that at Macy's? What's happening? I don't know, maybe in the 70s.

Yeah, could be. So anyway, she had gone from her choir event with her gown, her rabbit fur jacket and her high heels to the mall. And she didn't tell her parents where she planned to go after this banquet. So she didn't, they didn't know like, they just assumed she had plans with friends. They didn't know where she was going. She decided to go to the mall. They weren't really worried about it. She's 18. She can drive. She can handle herself. So she was a high school senior

and it was just a few days till Christmas. She had recently turned 18 and it made sense for her to be out and about. But when the evening passed and it was just a few days till Christmas. She had recently turned 18 and it made sense for her to be out and about. But when the evening passed and it started to get late, her parents were like, okay, I know she had plans, but like she should be home by now. So Janet called around town to Michelle's friends. Janet's her mom. And the friend said, Oh, she was going to the mall to meet up with some people. So nobody knew if like who she was going to the mall to meet up with some people. So nobody knew if like,

who she was meeting up with, if she was meeting up with anyone, or maybe she just went to the mall to pick something up by herself. But her friend said, all we know is she was going to the mall after the banquet. So finally, her parents call the police when she doesn't come home, and it's 2am and they're saying, well, there's no way in hell she's still at the mall, which is closed by now. So something must be very wrong. So based on Michelle's probable plans at the mall, which is the only clue they really had, they focus their search in this area, which is called the Westdale area. So at 4 AM, which is two hours after they called the police, the search located the Martinco's 1972 Buick

in the mall parking lot. So yeah. So she never left the mall or well, not in her own car. Right, the car is still at the mall and it's outside of the JC Penny. Michelle was inside the car. Oh man. Really didn't see that coming.

I thought she was just gonna be missing, missing. Well, it feels like every time, especially with a cold case, we find an abandoned car. Oftentimes, there's nobody in it. So, yeah, it is definitely a twist compared to the usual storyline. Is she in the front seat, back seat?

So she's slumped across the seats covered in blood. Um, she had been stabbed 29 times in her chest, arms, neck, and face. That morning, Cedar Rapids' local newspaper, The Gazette, and face. That morning Cedar Rapids local newspaper, The Gazette ran a front page headline, see our student 18 slain, alongside a big smiling photo of Michelle. In the article, police chief asked readers

for virtually any information they might have about Michelle's final hours down to who else in town parked at JCPenney's last night and may have seen something. So nobody knew who Michelle had seen that night, whether she had met up with someone at the mall, and they didn't even have, for that reason, a good estimate of her time of death

because there's just no way to know at what point she was actually killed. There were finger marks in the dirt on Michelle's car door, but there were no prints in it, which means the murderer wore gloves. So that was another way that they kind of faced a dead end. The police chief said they had no leads and the investigation was basically, quote,

starting at ground zero. So in the following days, hundreds of people contacted the police with tips. And I feel like this is always very double-edged sword because it's good people are calling in, but then there are so many like miss, like red herring, misleading trails they go down. And it turns out every single of these hundreds of leads was a dead end. So it's just like, doesn't it? And it's like, just such a, feels like such a waste of time, even though it's the only way to find out if one of these leads is real. Then a friend and fellow actor shed light

on Michelle's final hours. So Kurt Thomas had been in a school play with Michelle and he actually worked at the Westdale Mall. So he said he saw her there. I mean, it's hard to miss with that white rabbit coat. He said he had seen her at the mall the night before, and he said the two of us walked and talked around the mall for a while,

and then Michelle made her way to the exit. So Kurt walked her to the door, watched her put on her coat before she said goodbye, and then headed out into the parking lot. Kurt said he didn't even know Michelle had been killed until police picked him up and brought him in for questioning, because he was a friend who worked at the mall. And before he even knew what was going on,

one of them leaned over his shoulder and asked, why did you kill her? Oh, that doesn't feel professional, but maybe that's, I don't know. And it also, he had no idea she was even dead. Like imagine that, oh my Lord. Oh my God. He insisted he had no idea what happened to Michelle, possibly just minutes after she

left his site, but detectives were not convinced because this was still a little too close for their comfort. And so their suspicion remained on Kurt, but Michelle's family actually had another suspect in mind, which is, of course, one of Michelle's ex-boyfriends. His name's Andy Seidel or Seedle. The brutality of the attack and its focus on Michelle's face made investigators believe that this could have been like a personal attack, which we've talked about

where sometimes people get their anger out in a very like vicious personal attack, especially with a knife related crime by attacking the face or genitals or other body parts that might be like a personal attack. So Michelle had been diagnosed with scoliosis when she was 12 years old, and she actually had to wear a corrective brace

from her hips all the way to her neck for two years. And nowadays I feel like, of course, that would make you feel, some kids at least feel like... Insecure. Yeah, insecure. And she absolutely did. I imagine in the 70s, especially like, you know...

Well, these days there's like plastics and Velcros and all these things, but back then it might have been like a big robotic metal... Yeah, like where you had like head gear like on a helmet, right? So harder to hide. And also like, I think people were just a little more traditional back then. And so she really, you know, felt kind of insecure about that and it shook her confidence.

And even once the brace was removed, she still didn't even really consider herself like a pretty girl. People said like she got so much male attention, but she didn't even realize it. Like she just was kind of not thinking of herself as, like, a desirable young woman. But a lot of boys found her very attractive

and wanted her attention, and she just, like, sometimes couldn't click that. And Andy, her ex, was one of these guys. So they had met when Michelle was 15, and they had dated for two years before a pretty volatile breakup. Michelle's brother-in-law said that after they broke up, Andy just wouldn't go away.

He demanded to know what she was doing, where she was going, who she was with, whether she was dating someone. Just immediately toxic, abusive vibes here. Yeah, I would think it was him, too. His extreme possessiveness made Michelle's family suspect him immediately.

And John said it seemed like a case of, if I can't have her, no one can. Mm-hmm. So a friend said that this ex, this, like, abusive ex guy, a friend said that Andy, this abusive ex guy, at the funeral, literally hurled himself on top of Michelle's casket at the funeral and cried,

I have to know who she loved when she died. Did she love me or did she love Mike? Who did she love when she died? And it's like, and Mike was another guy she had dated. And it's like, back the fuck off. Like this is the young woman's funeral. It's not about you versus Mike right now. Isn't that gross? I, yeah, 100%.

Like, go away. This isn't about you. Her parents and siblings are here. And also, like, didn't she break up with you? I think you know the answer. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, exactly. I want to know who she loved.

Not you, bitch. Not you anymore. And why bring, like, to say me or Mike, like, Jesus Christ. It's like so twisted. So whether he did it or not, it's like, yuck, what a fucked up, whatever. So Mike Wyrick was another man Michelle had dated. Police questioned him and actually even forced him

to look at crime scene photos, even though she had, or even though he had an alibi of being over 100 miles away. So it was like very traumatizing for him because he sat down, finds out Michelle's been killed and then they immediately start showing him crime scene photos of his ex-girlfriend, dead, bloodied, murdered, stabbed 29 times. And he was quickly cleared,

but then had to live with that image in his mind for the rest of his life. But Andy, they couldn't quite clear as quickly. Michelle's family and friends found his behavior toward Michelle before and after her death disturbing. And he was actually seen at the mall with Michelle the night she was killed. Ah, da da da da.

I don't know what that was. I liked it though. It felt exactly correct for the moment. It really nailed. I was like, yes, Ed, yes. It was my own, yeah, cut to commercial break. It was good. It was my, dun dun dun.

Yes, yes, it was a good sting. Thank you, thank you. So he was even seen at the mall with Michelle the night she was killed, and his only alibi was that he was at home by the time the mall closed. And they were like, well, we don't even know when she was killed. So it's like, that's not really a good alibi, no.

But Andy's mother was also the only one who could confirm his alibi. And police pretty regularly dismiss, or at least don't take them with a grain of salt, a parent's corroboration of an alibi. Right. So despite the suspicion surrounding Andy and his like past sketchy behavior,

there was no physical evidence linking him to the crime. And once he graduated high school, he just left town and enlisted in the Navy. And many people- He was like, get me out of here. Yeah, seriously. Much like, I mean, it was Cedar Rapids, you know? So he was trying-

He was like, I've seen enough. He's trying to get his way out of there since the day he was born. He's trying to like, he's packing his bags and like, Crunchberry dust is flying off of him. It's like, I'm ready to get out of here and try some new cereal. Eat my Captain Crutch dust. Many people remain convinced that he would one day be arrested for the attack and especially Michelle's mom really clung onto that and believed that he was at fault because she had been upfront and center when this was all happening with their really toxic relationship.

Right. Now, Michelle was 12 years younger than her older sister and she was her parents' miracle baby, that's a quote, because she had been born healthy after her mother endured five miscarriages. Holy shit. Yeah. Wow. And so, yeah, after all of this time, she was considered their miracle baby. They just adored her.

Janelle said that Michelle and their mother were soulmates, which I just think is really beautiful. And after she was killed, Janet, her mother, could barely talk about Michelle. She said in an interview, I don't think it will ever be solved. Wow. With no arrests and with Andy gone, people in Cedar Rapids were just kind of left to like ponder on their own as to the theories of who killed Michelle and why. Of course, the Marincos then living in town just had to listen to all these baseless rumors,

like people just gossiping about Michelle and drug rings or human trafficking, or maybe she's still alive, or maybe she ran away, you know, and got killed by some pimp, or, you know, just like really upsetting stories that you're already in a bad place. You don't need to be hearing like rumors about, unfounded rumors about your killed daughter.

People made cruel prank calls to the Marinkos' home because they thought it would just be funny. And so when Jana answered the phone, she heard laughing as the other person on the line said things like, mother, it's Michelle. Oh my God, that's so cruel. I hope that person to this day thinks about that. I hope they got hit by a bus for sure.

I hope they still are like, that was fucked up because. Yeah, I hope they lose sleep over that. That's so fucking insane. Me too. Nearly a year after Michelle's death, a man named Dennis Lee McKee was convicted for breaking into a Cedar Rapids home and threatening to kill the children in the home

before raping their mother at Knife Point. What? Yes. Dennis committed that crime in November 1979, a month before Michelle's murder. Okay. So he had committed that crime a month before Michelle's murder. Now he was being convicted about a year later.

A year after the murder, just to clarify. Many suspected that he may have killed Michelle and police did investigate him as a suspect but that seemed to be another dead end. I don't think that was him, which is like, I have nothing to go off of. I know. But it feels like the crime before Michelle

would have been the escalation after Michelle. Yeah, yeah. Like- It feels, it feels, and Michelle's feels more- Personal. Put one on one, targeted, yeah. Like breaking into a home. Like 29 stabbed wounds?

Like that was- And also, I don't believe she was sexually assaulted, which like it seems like was the- Yeah. Like the other crime was to rape the woman and threaten to kill the kids, but he didn't kill anyone in that house. Right.

So I guess she technically would have been an escalation. Right? Oh, I guess so, but they're totally different crimes. Yeah, it's a completely different crime. So it doesn't necessarily... I think it was that boyfriend. I think it... Yeah, I think that's a much better,

much more realistic option at this point. Being angry that she broke up with him and just stabbing the shit out of her. And it feels very, what's that word? Murphy's law, is that Murphy's law? No, Occam's razor. Both I guess apply oftentimes, but like the simplest solution,

simplest answer is oftentimes what it is. Which is what last week's was too. That's right, yes, exactly, very good point. So people thought maybe that this guy had something to do with it and he was another dead end. So the case went cold and it basically haunted residents that this had never been solved and that it just, people had to keep just going on

like nothing had happened. Unfortunately, Albert Martinko, her father, passed away in 1995 and then Janet in 1998. So Michelle's surviving friends and family honored her memory each year with a graveside vigil on the anniversary of her death. They remembered all the good things about her, like her charismatic laugh,

what Kurt called the Michelle smile, which was just like, she had a very distinct and happy smile. Years passed without answers until 2006, when a cold case detective announced that he had identified and collected the killer's blood from evidence stored in the case files for 27 years. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.

The blood was discovered on Michelle's dress and on the gear shift column in the car where she had been killed. And it contained a complete DNA profile. Oh my god. Isn't that beautiful? In 1979, they collected this evidence not knowing that one day we'd be able to figure out

the person's one in a bajillion identity based on that little drop of blood. It's amazing to me. I just, I can't wait in 30 years, 10 years, five years to see what people have developed. What's the next thing? Yeah. Yeah. Michelle's hands were covered in defensive wounds. Investigators had initially suspected she had been robbed or raped, but none of Michelle's cash was stolen. There was no evidence of physical trauma related to rape in her autopsy.

One detective said, "'You have to assume that pretty much any motive you can think of was a possibility,' and that Michelle decided she wasn't gonna allow that to happen. She fought.'" So essentially, whether this person was planning to rape her, rob her, just kill her, she fought back.

So whatever was the purpose, they did know that she, you know, defended herself. Yeah. The attacker had definitely been injured in the fight, leaving behind this evidence, this blood, that detectives didn't know about in 1979, when the judicial system itself was still seven years away from

the first use of DNA evidence in criminal court. The cold case detective collected DNA samples from as many people he could reasonably consider that may be involved with the case to match them with the sample they got. Andy and Kurt, both of them, finally exonerated. Kurt was the friend at the mall, Andy was the loony ex-boyfriend. Both were exonerated, ending what Kurt said was a decades long nightmare. Yeah, I can't imagine being accused or something like that. And having been the last person to see her

and being like, oh man, I watched her watching her car and then- Imagine every time you make a new friend and you have to warn them. It's like, just so you know, I look like a serious person of interest. If you Google me, I'll be a suspect or a person of interest in this.

Yeah, ooh boy, good point. So he called it a decades long nightmare. So they were finally exonerated and his name had often been mentioned in Janet's diary entries about her daughter's murder. And so it was just really hard for Kurt to be considered a suspect for so long when he really was just in the wrong place

at the wrong time and being a good friend and walking her to the door, you know? He said he had been consumed by guilt over parting ways with Michelle at the exit that night and he wished he had walked her to her car, you know, woulda, coulda, shoulda. Janelle said she wished she could personally apologize to Andy for outwardly believing that he had done this.

Like she had to go back and tell the ex, like, I'm sorry, I thought you were involved. That would be an awkward conversation. Really awkward, really awkward. But also like- He's still an asshole. He was still an abusive guy. Yeah, she had a justified reason to think it.

Yeah. I guess, I don't know. At was still an abusive guy. She had a justified reason to think it, I guess. At least to not like him. After reviewing the case and pursuing leads for 10 years, so that started in 06, now it's 2015, the detective finally decided to pass it on to someone new. And by then, DNA technology in 2015 was even more advanced. And isn't it crazy?

We're almost 10 years away from that now, 2015. That's wild. Yeah. But then DNA technology was even more advanced and the new detective partnered with a genomics lab to create a possible profile of the murderer using the DNA. And so they put this together. I find this so amazing. They put together a profile of somebody, a white man with blonde hair and blue eyes,

but they were missing a lot of details like his age. So they released several images with different hairstyles, facial features, and age progressions. And the detective said in an interview that they took calls about every blonde haired blue eyed guy that ever walked the face of the earth and stepped foot in Iowa. Jesus Christ. Which was another dead end. Then the case remained cold until 2018 when the notorious Golden State killer who seems to have like opened the floodgates

for so many of these stories was arrested after investigators found him using genetic genealogy. So the detective leading Michelle's case read an article, which always seems to have happened in this situation, on the arrest and decided he would try the same method to pursue Michelle's killer. So the investigative team submitted the suspect's DNA

to a public database. I don't know if it was GenMatch or what, but it connected them to a woman in Washington state who happened to be a distant cousin to the suspect. Duh duh duh duh duh duh duh. Beautiful. Then they spent months building a family tree toward the suspect and tracked down family members

across the country on social media and even gravestones. That would have been my, if we ever quit the podcast. If we, this is my dream job. All I wanna do is build, you know I love Ancestry and you know I love family trees. All I would wanna do is build, you know I love Ancestry and you know I love family trees. All I would want to do is build family trees for the police. You know how... For cold cases?

Are you kidding me? ...involved I would be... Can we just do that on the side? Yeah. Can we... Can somebody help us do that on the side? Because you and I would be an unstoppable force, I think. I would be a free intern to be able to solve a crime like that.

The way that we fix it so aggressively and have such intense web sleuthing skills, I feel like- Between your everything and my building a family tree? No, no, but yeah, I really think we'd make a powerhouse. So if somebody knows how to do that, I've tried. I've tried to join some like volunteer groups that I feel like I've never really quite got the hang of it. I don't really know-

Maybe you can embroider something for them. I know, I'm like, how the hang of it. I don't really know. Maybe you can embroider something for them. I know, I'm like, how do I insert myself? I don't know how. How do I stitch a family tree together for you? Wouldn't that be nice? Hey, I can put it on my cricket machine. Does anyone need it in vinyl? So the suspect's relatives,

imagine getting this call over in Washington. You're a distant cousin to a murderer from decades ago. So the suspect's relatives provided DNA samples to aid the investigation and finally the search was narrowed down to Manchester, Iowa, which was a small town roughly an hour from Cedar Rapids. Brothers Jerry Kenneth and Donald Burns grew up together in Manchester. Donald moved to Davenport, Iowa while his brothers still lived in Manchester where they were well-liked business owners. The detectives followed Kenneth to lunch at a golf club and collected his drinking straw once he left.

They then staked out Donald's house in Davenport and picked his toothbrush out of the trash. See, I'll do that too. That's sort of the most fun job in the whole world. I was gonna say, I'll do that part. Yeah, we'll happily go through a dumpster. Can you imagine us pretending to go to like a golf outing and just like...

And we would dress up, we would do the part. Can someone make a show about this? I would be, I would take it so seriously, I'm not fucking around. I would actually love a game show where people try to collect evidence from other contestants without them knowing. Oh.

Like sneak a hair sample, sneak a, grab their straw, grab their, you know. Yeah, I feel like it would get problematic really fast, but their straw, grab their, you know. Yeah. I feel like it would get problematic really fast, but I've- No, we have legal deal with that. No problems for us. Not our problem. Not for me.

Not our problem. Not for me. So after they did this, the toothbrush and the golf club straw, neither brother matched the suspect's DNA sample. So they followed Jerry to lunch in Manchester, the third brother, and they collected DNA from the straw he drank after he left. It was, maybe that's the burger place. Maybe he went to the burger place you went to,

and that's why they make you wait an hour, because they're like, actually the police might need your DNA. Can you stay here for a minute and drink in the straw? And they got a lot of my DNA because I left half that burger on the table. Exactly. I gotta go.

Exactly. So they followed him to lunch, they collected DNA from the straw he drank with, and it was a fucking DNA match. They found him. They found him at lunch. I love when people sleuth to get an answer. Can't believe it. On December 19th, 2018, which was the 39th anniversary of Michelle's murder. The lead detective walked into the business Jerry owned

and asked him if he knew Michelle Martinko. Imagine? Imagine the stomach drop. Avoiding that name for 39 years after you did something terrible, and now somebody walks face to face with you and says, do you know this person? Did he just pass up immediately?

He just go, yep, that's me. He said, you wanna know what he said? No. Did he speak in rid immediately? He just go, yep, that's me. He said, you want to know what he said? No. He's speaking of riddles? Oh, no. Just no? He said, no, I never heard of her. And they said, huh, that's weird.

Give me a cheek swab. So he gave them one. And then he told Jerry that he knew the DNA would match. The policeman said this to Jerry and asked Jerry once again, if he knew about Michelle or her murder. And instead of saying no, he said, I was not there that night. That's the most Josh Duggar thing I've ever heard in my life. I know, I know, I know.

What did you find on my computer? Hopefully not child porn on all of these disks. Okay, well. I hope you didn't open the folder called taxes. That's really actually explicit material, yeah. So they asked if he knew Michelle, I think they go, no, well, we know that this DNA is gonna match

from the blood found at the murder scene. I wasn't there that night, I never met Michelle. It was true that police failed to find any connection between Michelle and Jerry, like social, business, or otherwise, so without a connection, it would be difficult to establish a motive, and it was obvious Jerry wasn't prepared to confess. And he might have really not known her name.

That's true, right, like maybe he never met her, technically. And he was arrested that day for Michelle's murder, but this would be like a difficult case to prove. Basically, they had his blood and DNA, but that was the only real thing linking him to the crime. And while they could prove it was his blood, you know... It could have come from somewhere else. Right. Like an ex...

She could have bumped into him when he had a scratch. Somebody could have tried... Some attorney could try to twist it, you know, and say it wasn't... He was the killer. So, Jerry went on trial in February 2020, and his defense called a molecular biologist as a witness who testified that it was a distinct possibility that Jerry's DNA could have gotten on Michelle's dress

and car interior by transfer. Jerry and his family had spent time in the mall before so his defense attorney argued that Michelle may have picked up Jerry's DNA in the food court or someone else inside. I mean, like as a very sick person right now, one sneeze and my DNA is all over somebody. But it's not your blood. That's true. But.

On the gear shift of your car. Hmm. Just trying to play lawyer. I mean, I still think he did it, but. But the possibility was just so unlikely, like, okay, yeah, his blood got on her sweater, on her jacket, on her car gear shift. Especially without her noticing and... Yeah, and then she was stabbed. Yeah, exactly.

And nobody else's blood got on her. Yeah. So it just seemed too unlikely, like, yeah, sure, maybe you bled all over the food court, and she bumped into it with her white rabbit jacket, but I doubt it. Okay. After just three hours of deliberation, the jury declared Jerry Burns guilty of murder in the first degree, and he received the maximum punishment in Iowa, which was life in prison without parole. Now, Jerry's family was shocked because they didn't believe he was capable of the brutal attack, and his brother and daughter still say, imagine the daughter,

say they have no idea and have no belief that he's capable of this. So, I don't know, you know, maybe... Maybe it was a fluke. Maybe, I don't know, but Michelle's family believes that Jerry was the killer, and when police told him, told the family that they had made an arrest, Janelle and John recalled whooping and hollering as just out of excitement and just closure, you know.

The conviction and sentencing marked the end of a 41-year nightmare that haunted Michelle's family, friends and all of Cedar Rapids. And with the case finally solved, everyone who knew Michelle could focus solely on her memory and everything about her that made her special to them. One friend said that her life wasn't defined by the way that she died, but by the way that she lived. She was very fun, loving, studious, kind. She was a gifted singer with a beautiful voice. She's just a beautiful musician. And her friends and family still remember her for,

you know, all the good she brought to the world. Nice. But that's the story. So, you know, no longer a cold case, but still some, still some debate over it. Yeah, that's a tricky one. Mm-hmm. Wow. Well, how do you feel about our Christmas episode, Christine? I know. I really did the usual, huh?

Where I just bombed everybody out. Yeah, but you've done it like 411 times, so. I'm getting good, finally. Finally. Hi, we've got, our next one is our New Year's one. Does that mean that we'll be in 2025? Let me look. Nope, our next one is the 29th. So it'll be our New Year's Eve ish. Interesting, interesting as I say. So we've got one more in 2024. Okay, that's fine. Okay, we don't have to freak out yet.

No, no, no, no. But bring your paper bags next time to breathe into because I'll panic a little bit and I'll go I'll contemplate the next year of my life. Yeah, I'm gonna bring a barf bag. I'll try to bring something more than wood glue to drink next time. Please, yeah. If you would like to hear us blabber on even more,

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