Andrew Schulz's Flagrant with Akaash Singh - Abracadab-Nah - Flagrant 2 Patreon

Episode Date: April 12, 2019

This week on Patreon, Andrew, Akaash, and Kaz discuss: Magic Johnson making himself disappear, Kyle Korver really wanting to join LA, Tipping, Duncan vs Dirk, and much more. INDULGE!!!! Full episode: www.patreon.com/Flagrant2

I'm very appreciative of people in the service industry I've spent a lot of time in the service industry myself that being said I knew it was a butt thank God it was a butt that being said

when a waiter or a waitress seems flustered at work it is mind bogoggling to me Yo, yo Just take the plate Put it on a table Smile and walk the fuck away

If this is too much stress for you The real world is going to Break you in half. We're talking. Hey, who got the Brussels sprouts? You put it down here. Okay. I have so many tables in my section.

Do you know what life is? Life is a section with too many tables. Life the restaurant, motherfucker. Life the whole restaurant and you the cook and you the buster and you got to run the food to the table. You got to smile, motherfuckers, when they walk in and smile when they walk out. Bro, I had this waitress that had a fucking attitude. She was upset and flustered. And I could not fathom how she existed in life.

I figured that out already. So I've had multiple jobs in different industries. When people are unhappy at their job oh man they find complaints about everything court bailiff we're glorified security guard yeah like nine to five weekends off holidays off the cushiest fucking job in the world yeah yo I swear park anywhere they never shut up about complain no Humans have it in us. We're built to find problems.

That's how our brains work. That's how we survived, apparently. That's how we survived. It is literally how we survived. We are in the forest or in the jungle. We need to hear some leaves crinkle and then go, what is that? That's how our brains work. So now we're a court bailiff and we hear somebody breathe loud and we're like, what is that?

Even though that really does not affect us in any way, our brains are wired to be affected by it. And I'm telling you, when you see somebody complain about a job that are literally the lowest stakes in the, like if, excuse me, I asked for fries instead of mashed potatoes. Okay. Bitch, come back here one second. Excuse me, I asked for fries instead of mashed potatoes Okay Bitch, come back here one second Bitch, come back here one second Did I ask you for fries? Yes Did you give me mashed potatoes?

Yes Whose fault is that? Yours Go give me my motherfucking mashed potatoes Please don't ever do that in front of me though Son, I was It blew my mind We all just operate in fear that they're going to spit in our food.

Because they do. Yo, yo, yo. They fucking do. You ready? Bring it. Bring it. Let me tell you something. Let me tell you who's not afraid of a little spit.

Listen, who's not afraid of this guy right here? Bring it. I'm not afraid of a little spit. Let me tell you what I do. If I see a hair in my fucking food, you want to know what I do? I take the hair and I take it out and I eat that food. I don't even complain. It means nothing to me, hair.

Hair means nothing. Your spit means nothing. You know what I'd like you to do? Spit on my fucking fries that I ordered, not the goddamn mashed potatoes that you put on a fucking plate and now you got a fucking attitude about. Oh my God. Oh, my God. It blew my mind. How you could think that this is that stressful?

These motherfuckers need cigarette breaks like they can't handle it, dog. They can't handle it. I need to go outside for a break. Wait a minute. I'm sorry. Were you too stressed out? Hold on. Hold on.

Let me find out what stressed you so much. Come on, dog. Let me find out what stressed you so much. Come on. Let me find out what stressed you. Hey, can I get the ravioli, please? Hold on. Let me write that down. Because God forbid I can remember four things. Yeah.

Let me get the ravioli. Ravioli? Okay. Can I get a Coke with just a little bit of ice, please? A little bit of ice. Not too much ice. Not too much ice. A little bit of ice.

Yeah. And maybe we'll get an appetizer. Can we get- Some mozzarella sticks, please. Do you guys know what you want, or do you need a few more minutes? No, we know. No, we know. We're telling you.

Mozzarella sticks. Mozzarella sticks, yeah. And anything else? I think that's going to do it. That's okay? Okay, cool. Thank you. I'll be back with that in a second.

All right, cool. I'm sorry. Did you guys say mozzarella sticks? Yeah, yeah. We said mozzarella sticks. Okay, cool. Do you want any marinara or anything like that? Yeah, marinara would be nice. Marinara would be nice. Yeah, whatever you want. Thanks, man. Hey, guys, thank you You said mozzarella sticks. Okay, cool. Do you want any, like, marinara or anything like that? Yeah, marinara would be nice.

Marinara would be nice. Yeah, whatever you want. Thanks, man. Hey, guys, thank you so much for coming. If there's anything else you need, my name's Andrew. Just help me out. Andrew, thank you so much, man. Appreciate you, Andrew.

You see how easy that was? Do you see how fucking easy it was to smile through that fuck instead of this? Wait, bring the food. Here you go. Here you go, guys. Enjoy, man. Have a good one. Thanks.

Thank you so much. Yeah, for sure. See how fucking easy that is? You see how fucking easy it is? Hey, let's troubleshoot this real quick. Hey, I'm sorry, sir. You brought us french fries. We asked for mozzarella sticks.

Are you sure you guys didn't ask for french fries? No, we definitely asked for french fries. Yeah, mozzarella sticks with marinara sauce. I think you guys asked for french fries. I mean, I'll get you the mozzarella sticks, but I just want to let you know, I think you asked for the French fries. But I'll get you them. That's not fair.

You can't even eat French fries. He's allergic to potatoes. Okay. Well, maybe you guys made a mistake. That's fine. I'll get you another one. Cancel these fries, please. And can you fire up a mozzarella sticks?

They switched their order. We didn't switch it. We ordered mozzarella sticks. There was no fries. That's fine. Listen, everybody makes mistakes. Is there anything else I can get you guys? Do you guys need anything else?

No, just get the right food. Just the right order. That's all. Okay. Thank you very much. That's good. Okay, cool. Excuse me.

Anyone in the service industry, the views and expressions of Andrew are all his own. Please don't spit in my food. Hey, hey, hey. Let me show you something. This is what I want. You ready? Let me tell you something. When you put my burger on the grill, I don't want you to put that little oil on it first so that it doesn't stick.

I want you to use your saliva so it doesn't stick. What if you get a dude and he jizzes in it? Jizz is different. Jizz is very different. Jizz is different, but I'm so confident that he could not get his dick hard and cum in the amount of time that it would take to make the burger

and do all the other things. I don't believe his father. I think he could take old cum. I think he could definitely take old cum. That's a possibility. Maybe you shouldn't trust a relaxed Cum. I think he could take Old Cum. I think he could definitely take Old Cum. That's a possibility. You got a refrigerator. Maybe you shouldn't trust a relaxed waiter. I want fresh.

Maybe you shouldn't trust a relaxed waiter because he's probably jerking off on everybody's food. You might need a little stressed out waiter so you know his dick is in his pants. Yo, that is true. No, but if he's stressed out and then he comes back relaxed. That's a problem. That's a motherfucking tell. Dude, you know what drives me crazy? This drives me crazy also.

Ready? Ready? Comes to the wager. What was that? Okay. Okay. Yeah. I'm sorry, guys.

We actually are out of the mozzarella sticks. My bad. I'm just exhausted. I can't. I'm just exhausted. Sorry about that. Oh, you're exhausted, are you? That's funny.

If only you worked at a place that might have some coffee that you could drink so that you wouldn't be so fucking exhausted. If only you could walk over. Matter of fact, I would love a cup of coffee for you. I would like to give you the cup of coffee. You know what I love seeing? As Andrew, I've known him for over a decade now. As he's gotten richer, he's gotten more and more just Republican about everything.

And it's so fucking wonderful to see. Accountability! Yo, I swear to God, if a waiter throws up the asshole, sign him out. Yo, turn it around. Wait for it. But before we go there, Akash, I want you to be honest when you answer this question. Do you know anybody that tips better than me? Every white person tips just like you. No. You tip

well. Be honest. You tip well. I over tip. How much do you tip? I tip minimum 20% and I'll go above and beyond. I'll go up to 25. That's all white people. White people top out at 20, but they often do 20 before tax. I do post-tax 20.

You don't know why guilt has gotten you. I don't know, man, but black people seem to over-tip because of... No, no, no, no, hear me out. Hear me out. Yo, what's up? This is Akash. That was a preview of our Patreon episode. If you want the full thing, go to

www.patreon.com slash flagrant2. Join the illest community on Earth. Unless you're a social justice warrior, then you're just going to ruin the fun.